#reehshyz advent calendar

[reeshyz]

Title: It's much harder to be sad while eating a cookie Pairing: Paul Landers / Richard Z. Kruspe / Christoph Schneider Presentee: @liebe-ist-musik Prompt: Baking cookies Warnings/Tags: Angst with a happy ending | Jealousy | polyamorous relationship Word Count: 2.435 Summary: Richard is helplessly in love with Christoph and Paul, who are already together. Does he even have a tiny chance? Read on AO3: here

♪

“That was such a shitty session,” Paul laughs when he sits down on their red couch in their break room. Richard has to agree, because they didn’t really record anything today. Mostly they had just been playing around. “Was kinda fun though,” Richard says and he shrugs. They don’t really have any pressure on them this time, because they had released the last album a few months ago but they had wanted to spend some time together again.

“It’s always fun when we’re not taking work seriously,” Paul says, grinning up at Richard, who huffs. He’s clearly hinting at the old Mutter days. Sometimes Richard is still very ashamed of his behavior back then. 

He’s still a perfectionist and loves to get a lot of work done, but he can also sit down and relax. 

“Shut up,” Richard mutters, pouting at Paul, who now laughs even harder. 

Richard had felt so many years ago in love with that laugh and not one day is he not feeling his yearning heart beating faster when he hears it so close. 

“Come on you know it’s so much fun to tease you a bit,” Paul says and he throws one of the pillows towards him. Richard catches it a bit more clumsy than he wants to admit, but he takes it and then walks over to Paul.

“You’re an asshole,” Richard says, but he actually dares to sit down on Paul’s lap and then pushes the pillow into his face. Paul laughs even louder and tries to get Richard to stop. Richard lets him win and Paul throws the pillow away.

His hair is all over the place.

Richard wants to kiss him. 

“But you love me anyway,” Paul says and he pokes his tongue out at Richard, who tries to go for an easy smile. His face feels frozen.

Paul has no idea how true that statement is. There is no one that Richard loves more than… Paul and his boyfriend. His heart throbs painfully in his chest and he looks down. He wishes he could have what they have.

And he had tried, but it seemed like there was nobody out there who would ever love him back as much as he loved people. 

He thought that he had put that behind himself. But just being so close to Paul rips all the hidden wounds open and even worse than before. Richard feels like his heart is bleeding, all the blood and pain choking him. 

“Rich?” Paul says, apparently Richard had taken too long to think about this. Richard looks down at his blue eyes and nods slowly.

“Yeah uh of course,” Richard whispers and it just gets worse when Paul licks over his lips. Richard could just lean down and kiss him now. He almost closes his eyes, because he’s probably imagining that Paul looks interested. 

Instead the door behind them opens.

“Sweetheart?”

Ouch. Yeah that feels like a cold shower. 

Christoph walks into the room and he looks relaxed when Richard turns around to him. Richard feels so bad because he’s sitting in the lap of his boyfriend, so he hastily tries to get, almost kneeing Paul right in the nuts. 

“Hey Chris,” Paul says, his eyes so wide and full of love. Richard hastily takes a few steps away from the couch. He wants to leave but he’s sure that would make it even more obvious. 

Richard doesn’t want Christoph to think that Paul would cheat on him. Because Paul would never! Richard had been the asshole to create such an intimate looking situation.

“What are you two up to?” Christoph asks and he walks over to his boyfriend. Richard watches helplessly when Paul kisses him. Both are closing their eyes and are completely focusing on each other’s love. 

Richard swallows his feelings down. He’s an asshole and he should be happy for his friends. He should be able to ignore his love, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time. 

“Nothing much, Richard was just trying to make me shut up,” Paul says and he surely means the damn pillow that’s still on the ground next to the couch, but to Richard it sounds as if he had known that Richard wanted to kiss him.

“Oh did he, hm?” Christoph mumbles and kisses Paul again. This time Richard can see how he sticks his tongue into Paul’s mouth who groans. Richard’s own pants feel a bit tight now and he should probably just leave. 

“Yeah well I should look if Till…,” Richard starts and he points awkwardly at the door, even though they are still very much busy making out. Paul’s hand is even on Christoph’s ass now. Richard’s face turns a bright red, even though he had seen ‘worse’ things. 

“Till left. He wanted to go and eat with Ollie and Flake in that restaurant he mentioned earlier,” Christoph says, when he breaks the kiss and looks back at him. Richard strokes through his hair.

“Oh uh well then I should…,” Richard shrugs. He doesn’t really have an excuse to leave now.

“We still wanted to bake cookies,” Paul says, he’s also bright red but smiling as well. It must be amazing to love and be loved back. Richard has to force himself to look away. It had been some time since he had baked, but it was always fun. 

“Oh yeah I can do that. I already got all the stuff we need, you can just relax here,” Richard says and he turns to leave again. Sadly it seems like they don’t really want to be alone because Christoph speaks up again.

“It sounds like fun. We will help you!” 

Richard closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. It probably would be really weird if he declined now. Besides he could probably use their help, because Till always stole so many cookies, so they had to make a lot.

“Yeah sure,” Richard says and he hopes it comes out convincing. 

*

Half an hour later Richard is really annoyed. He is already covered in flour thanks to Paul and it seems like those two can’t stop flirting for even two minutes. 

Richard’s heart is slowly bleeding out.

“How long will this take?” Christoph asks and he’s holding a bowl with some batter in it. Richard tries to take that bowl away from him, while  Paul actually should watch the damn stove. They already burned some cookies of the first batch. 

“You don’t have to stay,” Richard says and his smile is only a grimace now. Christoph pouts and holds the bowl out of his way. Richard huffs and tries to get to it but sadly Christoph is taller than him and holds it above his head.

Richard tries to reach it on his tiptoes but it doesn’t help.

“Give me the bowl! I need to prepare the next dough!” Richard says and Christoph laughs. He hadn’t even realized that he had put one hand on Christoph’s hip while trying to reach the bowl.

“I could. What do I get in return though?” Christoph asks, his voice so laugh.

“Uhm…”

“You should give him a kiss,” Paul says from behind them and Richard turns to him. He can’t believe Paul would suggest something like this. Paul winks at him, just as Richard looks down to the cookies, who are burned as well.

“Shit!” Richard says, ignoring Christoph for now, even pushing Paul away. All the cookies are a dark brown. He sighs.

“Look at you, all mine now,” Christoph says and when Richard turns back to them he sees that Christoph had put his hand into the flour and then grabbed Paul’s ass. There are two imprints of his hands now on Paul’s pants. 

“Always been yours,” Paul says and they are kissing again. Richard isn’t sure how much more he can take at this point. 

“The cookies are burned,” Richard mutters and they both turn to look at him. Paul even takes a cookie and bites into it. He grins.

“Oh no look a broken heart,” Paul says and Christoph laughs too before he bites into it as well when Paul holds out for him. Richard knows he is overreacting but his heart feels exactly like this damn cookie.

“I need a break, you two do whatever you want but I’m out. Do those shitty cookies on your own, I don’t care,” Richard says and he turns around. He’s too angry to care right now. He knows jealousy isn’t a good character trait, but he’s just heartbroken too. 

“Rich wait,” Christoph starts, but Richard loudly slams the door right into his face.

Luckily they both don’t follow him and so Richard finds himself outside, freezing almost to death, but at least enjoying a cigarette. He knows that he doesn’t have the right to be angry at those two.

He had just forgotten how much they flirted all the time. They didn’t know that Richard is in love with them and even if they did, they don’t owe him anything. 

Richard is the disturbing factor here.

He’s not even sure why he’d been so upset about those damn cookies. It’s not like he really enjoys eating them himself. But the batch they had left burned a few minutes ago had been just hearts. 

Richard had made those and he feels silly. 

He had made those, daydreaming about giving them to Paul and Christoph while being next to them. He had wanted to get showered in kisses too and he would even take Christoph’s handprints on his damn ass, if that meant he would be theirs too.

But just like they had let the heart cookies burn, they’d cut his own heart open. Obviously both without bad intentions. 

Richard wipes a tear away and hates himself even more. 

He knows why Paul fell in love with Christoph. He’s strong minded, beautiful inside and out. Christoph would gladly participate in any dares and pranks Paul could come up with, but he would also calm him down when it was getting too much. Paul could always count on him. 

Richard also knows why Christoph fell in love with Paul, who’s such a sunshine and could always make you love. Paul would happily carry the whole world on his shoulders, just to make Christoph smile again. Christoph would never have to go one day without a smile on his face.

And of course those are also the reasons why Richard fell in love with them such a long time ago. He hadn’t even realized it at first and one day he had almost told Paul, but then he had heard that those two got together over a tour break.

He shudders again and opens the door to get back inside.

“And what can you offer? Nothing but being a fuck-up. You’re addicted to cigarettes, you’re selfish and a perfectionist. You never shut your damn mouth. You’re just a damn raincloud that doesn’t fit to them,” Richard says to himself on his way inside. 

He would just crawl into his bed and cry himself to sleep or something. He deserves this. Alone for thinking of his taken band members. The guilt is eating him alive. 

“I wouldn’t say that.”

Richard almost hurts himself when he turns around. Paul and Christoph are both in the kitchen doorway, looking almost angry. It had been Paul who had spoken. 

“Uh…”

“Come here, we want to show you something,” Christoph says now, his voice strict and he manages to sound disappointed and displeased at the same time. Richard thinks about just running to his room for a second.

“Please,” Paul whispers and Richard follows them back into the kitchen.

On the counter are now lots of new cookies. They are all shapes like hearts as well and they’re all decorated with pink icing. On a few of them are the words “I love you” spelled in a really bad handwriting. 

“Oh. They look good,” Richard offers and then continues to stare at the cookies. Some have the words “We love you” on them. Richard frowns at those. 

Christoph sighs and then takes one of those cookies and holds it up in front of Richard.

“For you.”

"Uh, danke?"

“Oh my god. Are you always this dense,” Paul says and just as Richard wants to snap back at him, but Paul is already kissing him. Richard makes a surprised sound but then slowly melts into the kiss.

“Finally,” Christoph mumbles quietly and Richard breaks the kiss. 

“Shit sorry. He…he kissed me first,” Richard stutters out and he frowns when Christoph doesn’t look angry at all. No, he’s smiling.

“I know I told him too. Now let me kiss you too,” Christoph says and Richard nods. Christoph presses him against the wall and kisses him for real. Richard gasps when Christoph deepens the kiss and strokes over his chest. 

Paul is stroking his sides and Richard shudders.

“Oh,” Richard says quietly, when Christoph breaks the kiss. Paul next to them is smiling and he holds Richard’s hand, before he’s the one who kisses Christoph now.

“We already knew that you liked us,” Paul says, grinning so widely.

“H-how did you know?” Richard asks, his face still so bright red. Christoph smiles and presses another short kiss to his burning cheek.

“You were kinda obvious, baby,” Schneider mumbles into his ear and Richard laughs a bit embarrassed. That’s great, so they knew the whole time.

“And Till told us. That’s why he’s gone actually, was scared you’d kill him,” Paul says, he’s already eating another cookie. Richard gasps.

“Oh I will kill him!” Richard says growling while the other two are laughing.

“But first you should kiss us again,” Paul says and he presses his lips onto Richard’s. He tastes like fresh cookies and peppermint. Richard’s knees buckle.

Christoph holds him upright.

Richard smiles into the next kiss. 

Maybe… maybe he should thank Till.

After he kills him. 

“Can I keep the cookies?” Richard asks them and the other two laugh.

“Of course. It’s much harder to be sad while eating a cookie,” Paul says, while he takes another one to eat it. Seems like he’s just as bad as Till. Richard would bake him all the cookies in the world. 

“And we never wanna see you sad again,” Christoph continues and Richard is embarrassed because they probably saw him crying outside. 

“Right now, I’m the happiest,” Richard admits when he bites into a cookie himself. 

And for the first time it’s the truth.

He laughs when he gets two kisses to his cheeks. 

[reeshyz]

Title: 24 Reasons Pairing: Richard Z. Kruspe / Till Lindemann Presentee: @kitthefox Prompt: Advent Calendar Warnings/Tags: Mutter Era | Drug mention | Angst & Hurt / Comfort Word Count: 2.374 Summary: Richard wants to leave the band. He feels like he needs something else. Something new. Till shows him that there is a reason to stay.  Read on AO3: here ♪

The pre-production for their new album was almost done, but the band was still kinda restless. Richard feels mostly angry these days, but he still tries to hold himself back. He doesn’t like any of the shit they have managed to record so far.

“I’m just saying, we could look over the songs again. I think there is something missing,” Richard says quietly. Paul who sits opposite him sighs very loudly and puts his guitar away. Thank god, the thrumming had been giving Richard a headache anyway.

“Look, we get that most of the songs aren’t your typical style, but we all decided that we wanted to try something new,” Schneider says and he takes another sip of his coffee. Richard looks down to his own mug for a second.

Tomorrow they would all leave Heiligendamm and settle down before Christmas. December is so close now, Richard feels like he can already smell the snow that would soon settle over the landscape. Only a few more days, but Richard knows that he doesn’t want to record their album like this.

His hands are shaking.

“I don’t want my name on a record like this,” Richard answers. He tries to keep his voice light and playful, but it doesn’t work out. He can see how Ollie closes his eyes and looks away. Paul sighs.

“I mean you’re also free to just leave the band,” Schneider says now and Richard bites down on his lower lip. They really had fought a lot the last few days and Richard knows he said some very bad things too.

Richard knows he has hurt his friends and yet he feels so unsatisfied with their new music, that he just can’t shut up. He doesn’t understand how they can not see it? They have much more potential than that.

“If it means that I don’t have to see your face again, sure,” Richard replies, the anger taking over again and there is nothing he can do about it. This time Schneider gets slowly up, Richard happily looks up at him, not backing away at all.

“Guys…,” Flake whispers behind them, but they ignore it.

“You don’t mean that. You’re too cowardly,” Schneider says and there is a nasty grin on his face. Richard wonders sometimes what happened between them all. There are so many rifts between them now.

His drugs caused most of them, but not everything. It’s not his fault that they can’t see his vision. 

“Watch me,” Richard says slowly and with that he turns around and walks out of the room. 

“Oh we will be glad that you’re gone!” Schneider yells after him. 

Richard doesn’t answer. Instead he goes upstairs first and walks into his own room. There he takes a deep breath and then slowly packs his personal stuff back into his suitcase and puts his favorite guitar on top of it.

He would ask someone else to get the rest of his stuff. Right now he doesn’t care too much about this. He doesn’t care too much about any of this. Richard opens his nightdrawer and takes out a small bag.

Only to find it empty. He slams it against the wall.

Richard’s fingers are shaking even more now and so he walks outside on his balcony for a second. At least he still has some cigarettes left, so he carefully lightens one and blows the smoke out into the cold night.

Here it’s so quiet. Richard ignores that he’s shaking a bit already, because he’s just wearing his soft jumper. Instead he looks down to the small town they’re staying in. It looks so peaceful. So schön.

There’s a knock on his door. 

Richard huffs, but stays silent otherwise. The door opens anyway and Richard knows it’s Till because nobody else would dare to do that. Richard slowly turns around and there he is. The singer looks sad, Richard’s heart out of stone, squeezes painfully in his chest.

He’s not even sure when he turned into this version of himself. Normally Richard loves to show his affection or gets bathed in it, but lately…

Till looks so broken, when he comes outside on the balcony as well, surely he had seen the suitcase.

“Will you really leave?” 

“Yes.”

Richard can see how much that hurts Till. He doesn’t take it back though. He knows that he has to leave right now. Otherwise he would just end up hurting himself and the others even more.

He just never wanted to hurt Till. 

“When?”

“Probably tomorrow, before anyone wakes up. I wrote Joey already,” Richard says and Till nods slowly. Richard takes another drag from his cigarette, he slowly feels himself calm down. Till always had that energy on him, even without doing anything.

“Is there… any way I can make you stay?” Till asks so softly. So hurt. Richard swallows his own feelings down. He had always been rather good at that.

“I don’t think so,” Richard admits. There is of course a way, but Richard would never tell him about that. He’s not stupid or particular has a death wish. He kinda needs his best friend in the way he has him now.

“And how long will you be gone?” Till dares to ask. Richard looks at him now. There are still some street lights on behind them, but the moon is already up as well and Till looks so beautiful like this.

As if someone can read his thoughts, it slowly starts to snow. Richard looks into the sky for a moment.

“I’m not sure yet,” Richard whispers back. He doesn’t want to leave the band forever… at least he thinks so, even now. But maybe the others wouldn’t want him back after he leaves. Richard sighs.

“I hate this,” Till mutters almost too quietly for him to hear. Richard nods.

“I’m sorry,” Richard offers and Till steps even closer to him. When he holds his arms out, Richard playfully rolls his eyes, but lets himself be hugged anyway. It feels good and he flicks his cigarette away, so he can cuddle against Till’s chest.

“Do you know where you will go?” Till asks and there is so much hope in his voice. Maybe he thinks that Richard would just leave Heiligendamm. Richard knows the next sentence will hurt him as well.

“New York,” Richard answers and Till breaks the hug. His green eyes are so wide and so full of pain. Richard presses a cold hand to Till’s cheek and he tries to smile.

“W-what do you mean?”

“I thought for a while about this. Joey offered to help me settle down there,” Richard says and both sentences are the truth. He had been thinking for weeks about this and yes he feels bad, but he knows this will be better for all of them.

It’s what he tells himself at night, when he wakes up crying.

“This band needs you,” Till says and Richard squeezes his eyes shut, when Till’s voice breaks. That’s why he wanted to leave overnight. He didn’t want to say goodbye to Till, he had known how much this would hurt him.

“I don’t think so anymore,” Richard admits, his own voice shaking and he hastily wipes over his eyes, before he’d start to cry like an idiot in front of Till. Sure he had cried in front of him before, Till is the only who had ever seen him cry besides his parents maybe, but he has to stay strong now.

For both of them.

“Will you… will you ever come back?” Till asks the question Richard doesn’t want to hear. He’s not sure about that yet, so he doesn’t answer. He had already tried once to leave Till and his feelings behind, because he knows he’s not good enough for someone like Till, but back then it hadn’t worked. 

Till nods to himself and then walks back inside. For a moment Richard thinks that he will just leave, because Till even walks out of his room. Instead it takes only a moment, before Till is back.

This time he’s holding a package in his hands. 

“I want you to have it. I… I made it for you and I originally wanted to give it to you in a few days, but… you should have it now,” Till says and he holds the package out. Richard slowly takes it, noticing that it’s rather light.

It’s starting to snow even harder now, it looks beautiful in Till’s dark hair.

“Thank you,” Richard whispers. Till leans closer and presses a soft kiss to Richard’s cheek. 

“Maybe… maybe it will make you come back to me,” Till says and before Richard can reply again, Till turns around and really leaves this time.

Richard isn’t sure how long he stays out there on his balcony.

*

“Hey what the hell is this?” Joey asks, when he finds the package a few days later, buried underneath other stuff. For now Richard is staying at Joey’s. He doesn’t have an apartment in New York yet.

“Uhm… something Till gave me,” Richard answers and he slowly takes the package in his own hands. He hadn’t opened it so far, so he sits down on his couch and does that now.

“Oh.”

“What is it?” Joey wants to know and Richard holds it up.

“It’s an advent calendar. Seems like Till really… made this for me,” Richard says and he can’t help but tear up at the thought. He tries to swallow his tears down and nods to himself. That is so sweet and thoughtful.

“Open it then! Today is the first of December!” Joey says, sounding so excited himself. Richard feels so bad. He hadn’t even called Till or anything when he had landed. He had been so sure that this would be the best for them.

Richard’s hands are shaking when he opens the first little bag. It reminds him of the night he had last seen Till. He misses him so much.

Inside the bag is a bit of chocolate, which makes Richard smile and a small piece of paper. He’s not sure if he wants to open it.

Joey is still watching him, his smile so encouraging. 

Richard takes another deep breath and then opens it. He can see that Till wrote that with his fancy pen.

“Reason 1 why I’m in love with you: You are everything I never knew I needed. I wanna stay with you forever,” Richard reads out loud.

“Oh shit,” Joey says and Richard nods.

This time he can’t help those tears. Fuck. Richard slowly turns away from Joey and hides his face in his hands. He misses Till so much.

Till - who actually loves him.

Richard would think that this is a joke, but Till would never make a joke about something like this. Richard’s heartbeat picks up again and he sobs into his hands. He wants to go back home. To his Till.

“I m-miss him,” Richard says and he hears how Joey gets up. Joey pats him on the back and then gives him his phone. Richard takes it and Joey leaves him alone for the moment. 

Richard clicks on Till’s number. He isn’t even sure how late it is already in Germany, but he needs to speak to him now.

“Scholle?”

“I love you too,” Richard bursts out and he winces when he realizes that he hadn’t even said anything else. Till is chuckling though. It’s Richard’s favorite sound in the world (besides his guitar). 

“You mean that?” Till asks and Richard imagines him blushing. He wants to see that. He wants to touch the blush, feel it. Rub his cheek against Till’s and make him laugh.

“Yeah. I’m sorry that… Till I… I miss you. I opened the advent calendar. Please, don’t tell me that it’s too late to come back home,” Richard says and Till makes a surprised sound.

“It will never be too late. I will always wait for you,” Till whispers and Richard’s throat closes up again. Before he knows it he’s already crying again. Till makes a soothing noise and hums quietly into the phone.

“I was so dumb. I thought I need distance, but… all I need is you,” Richard admits and while he feels kinda silly about sounding so romantic it also sounds right.

“Why did I bother to write down 24 reasons why I’m in love with you, when I already won you over with the first one,” Till says now and he laughs so cutely again. Richard is for sure blushing himself now.

“I’m in love with you for years,” Richard mumbles back.

“Good. Does that mean I get an advent calendar too?” Till laughs and this time Richard laughs as well.

In the end he doesn’t know how long they spend on the phone together, but he falls asleep with Till’s voice in his ears.

He wishes he could always have this and for the first time he actually believes he could have this.

*

A week later Richard is almost falling asleep on Till’s chest.

He had been right after all. He had needed a new perspective and a break from the band. But never a break from Till. He just needed to be even closer to him.

Till carefully strokes through his hair, before he presses a kiss against his temple. Richard hums and nudges him, so Till would finally read the newest letter of the advent calendar.

It’s his favorite thing in the world.

Till laughs and starts to read. Richard blushes and squirms a bit, but he has to say that he really enjoys hearing what Till loves about him (even if he doesn’t agree sometimes). 

In may they would meet up with the band again in southern france. But right now Richard doesn’t want to think about them again.

Right now he wants Till to open his own calendar. Richard had bought that one in New York, since he didn’t have time to actually make one of his own. But Till loves the chocolate one, he had said.

Maybe next year he would make Till an advent calendar with 24 songs only for him. Richard smiles.

Yeah.

He likes that idea.