#new years resolution is to actually stop caring about what people think and Destroy body dysmorphia with a capital D

[wildernezz]

i love how the stuff about bringing back 2020 things isn't even about nostalgia people are just already sick of 2025 after 2 days.

[teddy06writes]

You Didn't Need Us Then, We Don't Need You Now

Requested by this anon: "Okay I thought of this idea during Fundy's stream. Quackity and reader were engaged to Karl and Sapnap, but they left because of Karl losing his memory and Sapnap paying more attention to him. Quackity and reader then created Las Navadas to try and cope with everything that's happened to them. They created a little wedding area where they planned to get married with Sap and Karl. Flash forward to a year or two later, Karl and Sap stumble across Las Navadas and their two former fiancees. And they see everything they've done, including the little wedding area. which is perfectly designed as to how they wanted their wedding together. That's is as far as I got to the imagine in my head. If you could make a fic out of it that would be cool. If not at least you have this cute imagine in your head! 😊"

{Okay, so- so man feels, so many ideas. I haven't seen all of the Los Nevadas streams yet because I've got a lot of school stuff going on, but, I think I have a pretty good idea of what's going on. [also Slime from The Ground my beloved]}

Quackity x reader; Past: Sapnap x Karl x Quackity x reader

trigger warnings: maybe some swearing, slight descriptions of a panic attack, slight drinking

premise: After L'manburg was destroyed, two of your fiancées seemed to disappear. With just Sapnap left, you had been scared, but he assured you that the right thing to do was split up to try and find Quackity and Karl. And, well, you found Quackity, but when He found Karl.... something else had taken over, and suddenly Kinoko Kingdom was more important than finding you and quackity again. But thats fine. You and Quackity had been together in the begining, so what did you need from the other two? Las Nevadas could fill the void they left,,, and it did, until they happened to come knocking, right as you were finally moving on.

{Also, parental unit for everyone in Las Nevadas, I love it, brain is going brr so hard}

{also also, purpled is the forgotten eldest child of the server and no the ufo does not get blown up}

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"It's gone, (y/n) it's all gone," You said with disbelief, staring over the barren, ashy place that had once been L'manburg and El Rapids, "We couldn't stop him."

Sapnap took in a shaky breath, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, "We were never could have. Even if the supplies weren't destroyed."

The remaining people had already cleared out, but you had only now come to see the damage, having been forced away from the battle by your fiancées.

"I could have helped." You fell to your knees, still staring at the wreckage.

Sapnap could only sigh at the broken look on your face. You had lost the only home you'd ever known, but what had he lost? Well, for one thing, Karl.

Karl was still no where to be found, and now it seemed that Quackity had disappeared.

He fiddled with the purple band that circled one of his fingers, "Look- we- we need to find Quackity and Karl. Q looked pretty bad the last time I saw him, and Karl-"

Resolutely you nodded, dragging yourself to stand, "Karl is Karl. He'll be happy that his statue missed being blown up. I think its Q we should be worried about. This place- El Rapids- that was everything to him."

"Well- how about you go find Quackity, and I go find Karl. We're bound to find them eventually if we split up." He offered.

You studied the look on his face, "You're covering for him. What's going on?"

Sapnap only shook his head.

Crossing your arms you turned toward the hill, and what was left of the prime path, "Quackity has the deed to some land. North of Spawn. Meet us there once you kind K, alright?"

"Okay." He said softly, leaning over to press a soft kiss on your cheek.

"Be safe." You advised, already starting away.

~~

It didn't take you very long to track down your Fiancé, in all the time you'd known him (much longer than you'd known the others), he hadn't changed too much.

So, when you made your way through the twisted paths near Pogtopia, he was up on the ridge, sitting on the rock that had for so long, doubled as a bench.

"It's good to see you're safe." You hugged your arms to your body, trying to keep your voice from shaking.

As soon as you were sitting next to him, he was leaning on you, "He destroyed everything- all that work- El Rapids-"

"I know." You wrapped your arms around him, finally letting your own tears fall, "I know."

"What are we gonna do? I just wanted a place for us- I just- I wanted to make a place for us- all we asked for was recognition- and now the only place that saw was recognizing us is gone."

It had taken a while for Quackity to stop talking about everything that had been destroyed. Even then he kept asking, "But- Just wanted to make a place for you guys, how are we gonna do that now?"

"We can still make a place," You assured him, even as you yourself were unsure, "We'll make our own little country. So far out where no one will be able to blow it up."

He seemed to take to the idea quickly, and that night, as the two of you sat together in the camp that had been made within the caverns of Pogtopia, he talked feverently of the country you two would make.

He talked of buildings, of businesses, and of wedding venues. The plans he made up that night, they were almost enough to make you forget about what had happened to your home.

"What about that land north of spawn?" You suggested, letting your head rest back on his shoulder.

Quackity thought about it for a moment, "I mean- its just some desert, but I think we could make it work."

"Good, I told Sap to meet us there once he found Karl."

He nodded, "We'll head up there, and start getting everything ready, and then when they're ready they can come up."

~~ This was how three months came to pass, with the busyness of planning the new city, the beginning of construction, the meetings with Sam to plan for the new economic system that the new country would spread through the lands.

Yet you still felt off. It had been that long and Karl and Sapnap had never returned, something must have gone horribly, horribly wrong. It nagged at you, constantly, Drove you sick with anxiety somedays.

"(y/n)."

You looked up from the designs for the next casino you had been going over, "Sam! I didn't know you were visiting today! What can I do for you?"

"Uhhh, I wasn't planning on it, you better come out here- it's Quackity, we had been discussing- some things. I don't know what happened but when he passed back through-" The creeper hybrid trailed off.

You quickly stood, rushing passed him and through the hall to the courtyard where Sam had left him, gasping for breath and tugging at his hair.

In an instant you were kneeling beside him, "Breath baby, breath."

"They- he- George- Kinoko- Sap- left- on purpose-" He blubbered.

"Hey, Q," You took his hands as gently as you could, "look at me. Breath, breath with me. Come on, breath."

Slowly, he began to calm down, and by the time Sam was long gone he slowly began to explain what happened.

"I was heading back from talking with Sam, I saw George outside the prison. He kept talking about something- about- Kinoko Kingdom..." He sighed.

"Kinoko- what?" You asked, confused.

He let his head drop into his hands, "Karl and Sapnap.... started another country- called Kinoko Kingdom... they didn't even wait for us."

You felt your heart drop, if you hadn't been holding his hands yours would've been shaking, "What-"

Quackity could only nod shakily as he pulled you into his arms.

"I told him to come back here- I told- why didn't they-" You muttered absently.

The only noise in the courtyard was from the fountains, and the small sniffles from the two of you.

You were still in a state of semi-shock and sadness when you felt his arms tighten around you.

"We don't need them anyway. Las Nevada's can prosper without them."

~~ "Purpled? You want to get him in on this?" Quackity frowned.

You shrugged, "He's a mercenary, he could be of some help around here."

Your fiancé studied your face for a moment, "No, that's not it. Why do you really want him here?"

"Look, he's-" You sighed, "The kids been through a lot. He doesn't really have anything anymore, he needs somewhere, someone at least. We owe that too him at least."

After a moment, he nodded, "I haven't spoken to him since I paid him for his help with that egg mess. He- didn't seem to like me being around."

"I'll try to find him, he'd talk to me, I'm sure of it." You stood up from your seat at the table.

"You're going now?" He asked, following you across to the coat room.

You nodded, tugging on your boots, "If I want to make it through to the Greater SMP before it gets dark. I'll see if Eret will let me stay the night, then I'll head out again."

"Be careful." Quackity advised once you were ready.

You pecked at his lips, "I always am."

The journey to the Greater SMP went quickly, and after a nights stay in Eret's castle, you had made your way to the UFO, disappointed to find it seemingly abandoned.

"How the hell am I supposed to find him if the one place he ever seems to be is empty." You muttered, glancing around the base of the UFO.

You shrugged off your knapsack, dropping it to the side, followed by the sword that had been at your hip, and then you began to climb.

Even the inside of the UFO was completely empty, devoid of any chests, crafting tables, or furnaces.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

You jumped, turning to find Purpled, in full netherite, sword gripped tight in his hand.

"I- We've been looking for you." You fumbled for an explanation, holding up your hands in a sort of surrender.

He scoffed, "I already did a job for you people, I'm busy now."

"Not for a job Purpled!" You couldn't help but exclaim, "Some people actually try to find you for more than just that."

"Then what do you want?" He snapped.

"Did Q tell you about Nevadas?"

Purpled frowned, "Yeah, he mentioned it."

"Well, I think you should join. Come in on the project."

"Why the hell would I do that?"

You sighed, "Look, Purpled, you- everyone here, in this smp, they don't care, they don't bother to know you. You- you don't really have a place here-"

"You think I don't know that?" Purpled's grip on his sword tightened.

"So, If you come with us, join Las Nevadas, you can have a place- have people who care. You need people, Purpled."

"I don't Need anyone." He insisted.

You sighed, "Someday your going to have to see that that's not true. Please consider joining Las Nevadas, no one here cares, but we do."

"That's not true," He said bitterly, "You just need me to do another god damned job."

With a shake of your head you turned, preparing for the climb back down, "Purpled, this smp isn't kind to children, but I think it's been the most unfair to you. Out here your being forgotten, but you might not be if you join us."

~~

At the base of the UFO you were surprised to find a strange, slimly looking boy digging through your bag.

"Hey!" You yelled, "Don't touch that! It's not yours!"

He looked up and froze, realizing he'd been caught.

You snatched your things away from him, quickly unsheathing your sword, "Who are you?"

"Uhhhh, I'm a meat person- same as you!" He offered.

"You- you're- uh-" You sputtered for a moment confused, "Why were you touching my things?"

"Uhhhhh, Dap me up!" He said avoiding the question.

You stared at him for a moment, "I don't have time for this."

As you started back toward the prime path you heard him call, "Nice to meet you (y/n) from Las Nevadas!"

"How do you know my name?" You demanded, whirling around.

"Oh, I know a lot of things." He laughed, "I see lots 'a stuff."

You frowned, "Uh huh. I'm gonna- walk away now."

~~ A week had passed, and there was still no signs of Purpled, nor Fundy or Foolish, (both of whom Quackity had gone to speak to whilst you were away), coming to Las Nevadas.

You were sure that Purpled would come around eventually, but had no faith that anyone else would join Las Nevadas, until you had heard a strange noise in the night.

It had been a cross between a clang and a yell, and then almost like something being dragged.

You had been going over some of the contracts you had been preparing for if anyone ever did show up when you'd heard it, and your fiancé seem to be gone from his own office, and your bedroom even, so quickly you armed yourself with your sword before hurrying out after the noise.

The streets of Las Nevadas were still partially lit by street lamps as you hurried along, it didn't take you long to find your fiancé, just outside of city limits, pacing In front of a strange looking hole.

"What the hell are you doing?" You hissed.

"Hey! It's (y/n) from Las Nevadas!"

You jumped at the voice, turning to see that no, the hole wasn't green, that the same slime boy from before was sitting in it.

"You! What are you doing here?!" You exclaimed.

"Quackity from Las Nevadas put me in this hole!" He said cheerfully.

Quackity grabbed your shoulder, turning you away from Slime and the hole, "You know him?"

"He was trying to look through my stuff after I talked to Purpled," You explained, glancing back over at the hole, "Said he sees just about everything, uhh, as far as I can tell, he's like the hybrids- but- weirder."

"Nope! I'm just a totally goopless guy! I'm bones and stuff!" He called from the hole.

"Oh god we have crazy people here." Quackity muttered scrubbing a hand over his face.

You moved to crouch next to the hole, "What- uh- What are you doing here buddy?"

"Oh I'm just oozing around. Dap me up!"

Confused, you complied, nervously laughing as he grinned at the handshake.

"I found him spying in the restaurant." Quackity sighed.

"What's spying?" The boy in the hole asked, "I just listen."

"Yeah well tell me exactly what you heard or I'll ill you right now!" Quackity threatened, pulling out his sword.

He hummed, "Well, I saw you, and I saw (y/n) from Las Nevadas. And there was a green guy, and a purple guy. I know of a Red guy, dead guy but he's not dead anymore-"

Your breath hitched, "Dead guy?"

"Yeah, looked real ashy- maybe even ...sooty?..." He confirmed.

Quackity glanced back at you, "And he's not dead anymore?"

"No. He's weird now. Got gray hair instead of grey skin. Used to run a country- got blown up though."

"How much have you seen man?" You asked, incredulous.

He shrugged, "I mean, I move slow but I've seen a lot. Lately a lot of conversations about taking advantage of the ever so fragile human psyche through gambling."

"Holy shit." you muttered.

Quackity glared up into the night sky, almost looking for an answer.

Shifting closer too look at the boy you frowned, "What's all that green stuff?"

"Oh- those are just- my totally normal- human parts! I'm a person!" He grinned.

You sighed, "Uhh, look, what's your name? Like how I'm (y/n) from Las Nevadas, who are you?"

"Oh, I'm goop from the ground!" He smiled for a moment before realizing his mistake, "I mean- I'm a meat person!"

Quackity still seemed to be praying to the sky, not paying any attention.

"Goop from the ground," You muttered, slowly connecting the dots, "Well, uhh, goop, how bout I give you a regular person name?"

"A person name? Oh boy!" He laughed.

You thought for a moment longer, "How about- Charlie?"

Charlie grinned, somehow even wider than before, "Woah! I have a real human name! Like any other regular human meat person!"

"Yep, you do." You chuckled.

"And, to be clear, I definitely am one of those, and not a piece of goop, that's slowly come to the surface, hiding as a person!"

As you continued to talk with Charlie, Quackity seemed to come to a realization, "He's like an accidental spy!"

And, when you helped him out of the hole Quackity was quick to say, "Well, this- this- was- was uh a formal greeting! Yeah that's what we call them!"

"Wow!" Charlie mused.

The walk back to Las Nevadas was quiet, until Charlie turned to you, "(y/n) from Las Nevadas, if I'm Charlie- where- where?"

You smiled, "Do you want to be Charlie from Las Nevadas?"

~~

By the end of the same week, after having gotten Charlie fully on board, and slight agreement from Foolish, word finally came from Purpled.

You'd been working on the next phase of the whole Nevadas Project when Charlie rushed in, "(y/n) from Las Nevadas! There's someone here!"

You frowned, "Who?"

"Purpled from UFO!" He practically yelled.

Standing, you tucked your papers away, "That's perfect Charlie, thank you. Do you want to come with to help show him around?"

He nodded, following you out of your office.

Outside, you found Purpled, along with his dog, looking up at the casino in awe.

"Purpled! You came!" You called cheerfully.

The boy turned, a strange expression you couldn't read on his face, "What? No 'I told you so'? No 'I knew you'd come around eventually'?"

You shrugged, "I'm just glad you finally came."

He sighed, "It's not like they needed me anywhere else."

You put a hand on his shoulder, "That's alright, We need you here."

"They- I went to tell Ponk I was leaving," Purpled sounded too broken, too tired, "He said he was too busy to talk to me."

Before you could say anything, he continued, "I had a house, near L'Manhole. I- I uh blew it up, to see what would happen," His shoulders began to shake, ever so slightly, as he finished in a whisper, "No one even noticed."

In one quick move you wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into a hug, "It's okay Kid, it'll be okay now."

That was how your fiancé found you, standing outside the main casino, a teen all but sobbing into your shirt, Charlie looking on confused.

~~

And so, the time passed, Las Nevadas grew, and you and your new little family did along with it.

Quackity found it funny, really, your ability to bring people onto your side be connecting with them emotionally, and as he put it, all but adopting them.

Charlie still took up a room in the apartments you and Quackity staid in above the offices. Purpled would come over when things around the country weren't so busy, and you'd talk for hours, Foolish joining in some of the time.

Fundy, on his first night in the city, had broken down to you, the same as Purpled, but you'd helped him put himself together. Though Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo didn't have official places in Las Nevadas, it seemed a chunk of their time was spent there.

Yep, that was your new strange family. You, Your fiancé and the kids but not really young enough to still be kids you accidently adopted.

Now, you reflected on this quietly, from the top of the needle.

"You okay?" Quackity asked softly, looking over at you.

You chuckled softly, "Can you believe that it's been two years?"

"No, can you?"

You shook your head, "You know, I've been thinking. A long time ago, you told me we were better off with out Karl and Sapnap."

He watched silently, as you pulled the other two rings that you had kept, holding them up by the chain they were strung on.

"Maybe- you were right- and maybe it's finally time to get married. Just us. We didn't need them to get here, we won't need them for anything else."

A small smile slipped onto Quackity's lips, "Would you marry me?"

"You already know the answer to that." You chuckled.

"So it's a yes?"

"Obviously." You scoffed.

"When should we have the ceremony then?" He asked.

"Right now," You mused, "We opened that wedding hall for a reason, right? We could get married proper, right now. It's already decorated the way Tubbo originally planed."

He laughed, "Let's do it tomorrow that way we have time to get like, notices out and shit."

You smiled, "Of course."

The sun had begun to set during this discussion, and you looked out over the peaceful landscape with a soft sigh, yes, this, this was home.

And even as you heard Charlie tripping and crashing his way up the stairs, the thought still filled your head.

"Quackity and (y/n) from Las Nevadas!" He exclaimed, "Purpled from Las Nevadas found some people by the border!"

In an instant, both you and Quackity were standing, "What were they doing?"

"Looking around, real weird like. Fundy From Las Nevadas said they might be here to attack us! I hope they aren't."

You followed Quackity past him and back down from the tower, drawing your sword as Charlie called out where he had left Purpled and the mystery people.

What you found was not what you expected.

Purpled stood, sword drawn and pointed at the men you least expected to see now.

Karl looked scared, tucked back behind Sapnap who was moving to draw his own sword.

Not another move!" You barked, moving to stand in line with Purpled.

Karl's face light up upon seeing you, "(y/n)! Quackity! I missed you!"

"Did you?" Quackity spit.

"Sapnap drop your sword." You commanded, not paying attention to the strange look on their faces, no one, and I mean no, pulled a sword on your family.

He frowned, "Wh- (y/n) don't be like that. I get it- but- why..."

"What are your intentions? Why have you come here?" You asked.

"We wanted to find you!" Karl said, "We missed you (y/n)."

"Uhh, that's (y/n) from Las Nevadas to you." Charlie said.

Quackity sighed, grabbing Charlie by the collar and pulling him back, "Sorry- he's been learning sass and sarcasm lately."

"Still, what are you doing here?" You pushed.

"We wanted to find you! You've been gone so long, we thought we'd go looking." Sapnap explained.

"We've been gone?" You scoffed, "You were the ones who disappeared."

Karl moved forward, grabbing your left hand, and Quackity's right, "We just wanted to come back, to finally get married."

You pulled away, slowly sheathing your sword, "You can't be serious?"

"What do you mean?" Karl asked, the smile just beginning to drip off his face.

"You fucking left us- We were just trying to make a place for the four of us to be safe and you left us! And now you want back? Out of the blue?" Your voice steadily grew louder, "You cannot show up here after abandoning us like that!"

Quackity gently took your hand, murmuring, "(y/n)..."

"No. They don't get to do this!" You turned to him, watching his face change upon seeing the mix of anger and sadness in your eyes.

"W- We'll talk about this tomorrow, away from the kids," He asserted, for once not earning any protest about age from Purpled or Fundy, "Charlie, you think you can take these guys on a tour of the place?"

He nodded eagerly, "This way this way!"

As Sapnap, Karl, Purpled and FUndy began to trudge after him, Quackity turned to you, "(y/n)?"

You just shook your head, pulling your hand out of his and starting away.

~~ Purpled had followed the tour party quietly, taking a page from Charlie's book and watching, observing everything.

He had seen the pain in your face at the suggestion of marriage, and the anger in Quackity's just upon seeing them.

So, he followed the men warily, watching the way Karl exclaimed about how he had built an Effile tower just like the one in the city in Manberg, and the way that Sapnap mentioned fondly how the décor at the wedding hall matched the ones you two had always spoken about.

Hearing it nearly drove him mad. Did they not realize that it had all been for them? That dreams of them arriving were the only thing that had ruled Your and Quackity's minds?

When Charlie had directed the group, which by now included some of the other tourists, past one of the bars, he stopped.

Inside, Quackity was slumped at the bar, a bottle of whiskey in hand.

"Drinking away your problems won't solve them." Purpled sighed, pulling the bottle away from him.

"We were doing so good without them. You know that Purp. But here they are, back and ready to fuck things up again. That's how it's always been." He muttered.

The boy shook his head, "They don't realize how destructive they are? Do they?"

"Never have." He sighed.

"Lets get you back home."

Quackity allowed himself to be manhandled into standing, and then led out of the bar, back toward the offices, and toward the apartment.

"(y/n) will figure it out. They always do." Purpled assured him, pulling open the apartment door and ushering him in.

"But they shouldn't have too," He sighed, running a hand through his hair, not bothered by the way his beanie fell to the floor, "They've dealt with so much without help. Yet they're always the ones to help us."

~~

Once he had wrangled Quackity into the bedroom, Purpled headed back out, finding Fundy at the base of the Needle, "They up there?"

"Yeah," The hybrid sighed, "Quackity?"

"Got drunk. He's- painfully coherent though." He winced.

Fundy ran a hand through his hair, "It's hard to believe one of the nicest people around is the one to fuck them up like this."

"Makes perfect sense to me," Purpled said as they began to make their way toward the stairs, "My first night here- I was having a hard time, because- the whole server acted like I didn't exist. (y/n) told me about how Sapnap and Karl had abandoned them."

"Did it seem this bad though?" Fundy asked.

"No- but that was before they turned up again talking about marriage."

By now they had reached the top of the tower, and Purpled could see where you sat by the ledge, feet dangling over. Quietly, they both sat down on either side of you.

"How's Q?" You asked quietly after a moment.

"Drunk, but back at your apartment, well supplied with water." Purpled reported.

You nodded, "And K and- Karl and Sapnap?"

"Waaay to blissfully ignorant." Fundy said.

Quiet held you three in silence for a moment, until at last Purpled sighed, asking, almost bitterly, "So- are you gonna marry them? You were going to once."

"Even if I did it wouldn't change anything here." You mumbled.

"Sapnap was talking about how cool it would be to come back and visit from Kinoko after the honeymoon." Fundy admitted.

Before you could say anything Purpled drew one of his knees to his chest, "I- don't- it feels like they'd be taking you away from us- I like it the way it is. Things are nice, and they're just fucking it up."

Fundy nodded, "As much as I hate to say it, he's right. If you people all get married nothing will be the same. I kind of liked having parental figures, I don't want them messing that up."

"They won't." You promised softly.

By god, if you hadn't already made up your mind, their words would've swayed you.

~~ After a while, you stood, "Let's go home."

They followed you tiredly, Charlie joining the mini procession at one intersection, telling you that Sapnap and Karl had gone to get a hotel room.

At the apartment, Quackity was sitting on the couch, already seeming more sober than Purpled had told you. When you sat next to him, his arms were quick to wrap around you, holding you like a lifeline.

Charlie took his place on the other side of the couch, Purpled curled up in the armchair, and Fundy dug around until he found one of the old projectors he'd left there, queuing up a movie.

"Hey, just like on Nightmare's days!" Charlie laughed, referring to the infamous 16th, where, just about every month it seemed you, Fundy, Quackity and sometime Purpled would have nightmares of the Manburg Pogtopia war, and everyone would congregate in the living room to watch one of Fundy's movies.

"Sure as hell feels like one." Quackity muttered.

And so you watched the movie, though your thoughts drifted, thinking of how you would deal with your reappearing ex-fiancés.

As you thought, you created a mini script in your head. Exactly what you would say came you.

"You didn't need us then, and we don't need you now."

Yes, you thought, leaning more into Quackity's side, thats what you'd say, after you talked about your new family.

(and the next day, you did just that)

[imagine-loki]

Guardian

TITLE: Guardian

CHAPTER NO./ONE-SHOT: One-shot

AUTHOR: fanfictrashdump

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: After the Chitauri attack on New York, imagine Loki being sentenced to public service on Earth, specifically in aiding people who got hurt during the attack. His magic has been limited to only be enough to aid keeping Odin’s spell in place so he wouldn’t turn blue. His task is to help people with special needs, to do house chores, help them get around, do their grocery and keep them company while they recover. He is assigned to a girl who ended up blind after one of the Chitauri shot at her. + Imagine sometimes when Loki is having a particularly bad day, he’ll sneak into your quarters, throw his head into your lap and put your hand in his hair so you can pet him. If it’s really bad, he’ll ask for you to tell him he’s doing a good job. 

RATING: T

NOTES/WARNINGS: Totally self-indulgent bit of fiction based on the thought that Charlie 1) is adorable, and 2) will 100% cut a bitch. Language! Also, I don’t know who needs to hear this but NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL AWFUL OR MENTALLY ABUSE YOU!

=

Loki was not a stranger to bad days. He had managed to survive many in his thousand-plus year life, but in this mortal state the suffering seemed amplified. He felt it a little deeper, despite his best efforts to push it out of his mind.

Muttering under his breath, he stalked the length of the corridor in front of the door marked 502, head tilted up and blinking rapidly to will away the dampness accumulating on his eyelashes. He couldn’t bring himself to open the door until he had gotten himself under control. He didn’t need to bring this dark mood into the flat with him. He didn’t need to burden her with his worries. He was meant to be Charlie’s strength, and this whole ordeal just…

His breath shuddered with the exhale.

Gods, that woman was nasty.

Sure, he understood people’s negative feelings for him. He had destroyed their city. Not of his own volition, mind, which was why Stark felt perfectly comfortable and letting him roam the land with minimal supervision. Or, at least, he did now. But this viper of a woman on his rounds was perfectly content to verbally abuse him over every single detail for no reason. Loki swallowed the venom on his tongue, aware that he would only make matters worse, should he snap back with the same general maliciousness she did him. In a strange turn of events, he was now mostly unsure about whether he would be able to get a word out without sounding like a pitiable mess.

“Fuck. Get it together,” he breathed.

Loki dug the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, pressing down until he saw stars behind his lids. He took another steadying breath and dropped his hands, feeling well enough in himself that he could unlock the front door and let himself in.

The flat was dark in the early evening light. Soft music played in the background at a volume he was sure he wouldn’t be able to perceive were he not from another realm. Charlie was sitting on the sofa, book discarded haphazardly beside her as she swayed gently. Braille, as they both had discovered, was not Charlie’s strong suit, and though she had picked up on the alphabet quickly enough, it all fell apart when they were strung together in sentences. He had suggested audiobooks, she had stubbornly told him she was learning if it were the last thing she did. It was still a work in progress.

“Lo?” Her voice broke his reverie and drew a sigh from his lips.

“Hello, darling,” he whispered, taking her face between his hands and kissing her soundly before flopping down beside her.

Loki shuffled until his head was resting on her lap. His eyes drew closed on their own accord, and he awkwardly patted around him until he found her hand. Pressing a short kiss to her knuckles, he guided her delicate fingers into his choppy, dark tresses, in a well-practiced request. She buried the digits at once, gently scraping at his scalp as he turned boneless on her thighs. Her other hand smoothed down his forehead before they stilled on his cheekbones. Lifting the hand slightly, her fingers rubbed together for a fraction of a second before they returned to his face.

Charlie sighed. “What happened?” Loki clenched his jaw so hard his teeth ached. Swallowing down a whine, he shook his head in refusal, pulling another sigh out of her. “Was it Mrs. Herder?” He remained still for a long while before he gave a reluctant nod.

Loki’s eyes dared to peek through his lashes only to find Charlie’s gentle features curled into an uncharacteristic snarl. With her wild, curly mane, he momentarily thought she looked a little like a lion. A very cross lion.

“I’m going to fucking kill her,” she hissed, shifting to get to her feet. Loki had to scramble to put his arms around her waist to pull her back to the cushion with a little huff.

“Charlotte–”

“The third time! This is the third time she’s made you cry. This. Week. I am going to murder her!” She announced, as if it were a perfectly valid explanation.

“Charlie, it’s fine.”

Charlie’s head snapped toward him, hazel eyes landing on his form with remarkable precision. “It is not fine. It wasn’t fine when I made you cry the once, much less some old hag who does it every week! You’re not here to get abused–”

His hands played with hers in an anxious fidget. He hadn’t met to make her upset with whatever issues he was having. “Honestly, I’m just overreacting.”

“STOP. Just stop, Loki.” Loki froze, though he wasn’t entirely sure why he was being told to be still. “You’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to speak up for yourself.” Her face was becoming more flushed with anger the more she became impassioned.

Oh, she meant to stop–Norns, emotions were complicated.

“But–”

“NO! NO BUTS! FULL STOP!”

Loki flinched away from her roar. He swallowed, sinking further into the sofa, hoping to disappear into the fabric. He was aware he would have to say something to convey his discomfort, but he felt like such a weakling needing to do so. “Could… could we not yell at me right now?” He asked, almost shyly.

Her face relaxed instantly at his tone and he was glad to see her come back from the brink of the homicidal rage that threatened to consume her. “Shit. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Charlie cooed, crawling across the couch until she was flush against him, arms around his shoulders. She pressed his head to her body. Loki gratefully nuzzled into her neck as he tightened his own arms around her, the feel of her thudding heartbeat against his chest lulling him into calm. He shuddered as Charlie kissed his crown. “I’m sorry. I just love you, and–”

“W-what?”

She sighed. “I get a little worked up about–”

“No, not–” Loki interrupted her again, pulling back slightly. “You love me?”

Charlie frowned. “Oh. Yeah, of course.”

The matter-of-factly way that she said it made Loki’s heart stutter to a near stop. The realization hit her when she noticed Loki’s breath no longer warmed her neck, despite him not having moved.

“Ohh. You didn’t know that. How did you not know that?”

Loki watched as her nose scrunched in that way it did whenever there was something that didn’t quite make sense. He usually saw it in reference to some part of her code not working.

“Guess I need to be better at telling you.”

He had paid no mind to anything she had said after her admittance, his brain having shorted out. “I love you.” His voice was soft and somewhat choked. He never thought he’d give himself permission to let those words slip out. Then again, he didn’t think he’d give himself permission to actually feel them, either. “I love you. I love you,” he chanted, tucking his head under her chin and embracingly bone-crushingly tight, once more.

Charlie wound her fingers into his waves, listening to how his voice turned from a hoarse whisper to a near purr, even though the front of her shirt became damp with tears.

“I know you do, babe.” She peppered kisses onto the top of his head, secretly relishing at the fact that she rarely got to dote on him in such a way. It was a refreshing change of pace. Loki deserved to be taken care of, too, every now and again.

“I’m sorry,” he managed to sputter somewhat pitifully, wiping at his eyes with his hands.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You just stay there and take as long as you need to feel better,” she murmured, gently. “And once you do, I will pick up the phone and give that horrid, old witch the what for.” Loki chuckled, despite himself, a deep rumble that reverberated through Charlie in a pleasant echo. His insides melted with every stroke of her hands over his scalp and down his neck, a pleasantly possessive air to the whole ordeal. “No one messes with my Loki. No one. Understood?”

“Yes, darling.” Loki grinned against her neck, feeling all of a sudden like a peacock with all its feathers ruffling in display, preening at the attention from a mate. “But, please, don’t make a fuss on my account,” he added, out of politeness more than anything. He surely wasn’t supposed to encourage this behavior, he guessed.

Charlie snorted. “We’ll see.” The ambiguous phrase sounded much more like a resolute not fucking likely. He would never admit that it pleased him even more.

Loki immediately decided that it was nice to have a defender; a guardian. That woman wouldn’t know what hit her once Charlie was through with her. Good.

[omgkalyppso]

I can't just pick one because I'm indecisive af, so how about three for the WIP ask thing: "fairy," "wedding interrupted," and "the wind was bitter cold"? Or you can pick just one of these to elaborate on if that's too much lol

This is going to be a long ass post. Here we go!

fairy

Okay so I have an AU that I’ve promised myself not to start in earnest until either or both my soulmate au or mermaid au’s are finished. I’m calling it a fantasy au, but the doc is titled fairy because it primarily features Claude’s introduction and the make up of fantasy races for the fantasy au are as follows:

Fae - Vampire

Claude - Fairy

Hilda - Werewolf

Lorenz - Hedge Mage

Marianne - Werewolf

Ferdinand - The human child (now a man) exchanged for a fairy / changeling child

Edelgard - Human Hunter

Hubert - Human Hunter

Caspar - Human Hunter

Linhardt - Vampire

Seteth - Vampire

Rhea - Ancient Dragon

Sylvain - Human Hunter

Felix - Human Hunter

Ingrid or Mercedes - Human Hunter

Maya - Werewolf

Raphael - Werewolf

Ignatz - Werewolf

The hunters will be working in groups of three, and I can’t decide whether Sylvain + Felix + Ingrid as three of the Faerghus four is more interesting than Sylvain + Felix + Mercedes in the role of a cleric for the sake of monster hunting. I’m also undecided about whether and how to incorporate Dimitri as some wild thing that-maybe-killed-Glenn, but I feel more strongly about not including him to focus on the core plot in my outline.

Have an excerpt of blocked dialogue. Marianne is running from hunters and to keep her from being tracked, Hilda and Lorenz are destroying her shoes.

Lorenz: We do have a cobbler in town but whether they'll have something for your feet, I just don't - no!

Hilda: (coming back in the house, letting in each a white and black cat) What?

Lorenz: Hilda! Only the black cat is mine. Maggie.

Hilda: What's the big deal? (the white cat walks behind a couch or chair or something and comes out the other side as a white dove) Oh.

Lorenz: Yes. Oh. (white dove turns into a large moth, turns into tiny little fairy fey!Claude)

Claude: Wow, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get in here. (Lorenz tries to catch him) Hey! Careful.

Lorenz: Sorry?

Claude: It's fine. (Hilda does grab him) Oh. You're fast. (but he just poofs from her hand) Not that it matters.

Hilda: I'm so sorry Lorenz.

Claude: Lorenz! I almost didn't recognize you without the sun on your skin. Why's it so dark in here? (a knock at the door)

Lorenz: (to Claude) Hide. (who does)

Hilda: Seteth, hi.

Seteth: Whatever it is you're doing in here, you're not half as subtle as you think you are. There are hunters going door to door, and if that shock of blue hair is unusual to me, it will surely stand out to them. Hide your friend more securely. They will be here within the hour. I'm off to warn Linhardt.

wedding interrupted

The final chapter of my fic Lorenz and Hilda’s Paired Ending might end up stretched out to three chapters because as it stands I’m bullying them. I intend to interrupt their wedding night three times. The first two times with accidents / incidents relating to Sylvain.

the first time lorenz and hilda are interrupted his shirts are hanging open, hilda's fully dressed, they've basically been making out. cue knock at the door hilda: (distressed) Are you going to answer that? lorenz: I told them not to disturb me except for fire, kidnapping, or a declaration of war. (buttoning up, haphazardly before answering) Yes? chief of staff: There's been a small fire in the stables. lorenz: What? chief of staff: All steeds are fine, and are being round up by [servant] on his wyvern. We're going to move them to the barns on the eastern farmstead. lorenz: Was it arson? chief of staff: It appears to be ... incompetence. lorenz: Was anyone hurt? chief of staff: Not seriously. lorenz: (holding his forehead) Who was hurt, and in what way was it not serious? chief of staff: Margrave Gautier, your grace. Although he was uninjured by the fire, he took a rather nasty tumble from the roof of the tack house. lorenz: That's two stories up. chief of staff: It is. He landed in a rather soft pile of snow however, and is being treated in his rooms. lorenz: (exasperated) What was he doing up there? Was anyone else involved? chief of staff: His ... Beg pardon. Duke Fraldarius was ... present. One can only speculate what led them there, and what stole the Margrave's pants. lorenz: Ah. Well handled. (a pause) He's fine? chief of staff: He's fine. lorenz: Then I will deal with this on the morrow. Thank you for telling me. chief of staff: (as like a goodbye) Your Grace.

A break for you.

another knock at the door, lorenz is undressed, hilda is still fully dressed. things were Busy hilda: Don't answer that! lorenz: (desperate, plaintive) Your family is under my roof, I need to appear responsible. hilda: Bring up my family again and see how far that gets you. lorenz puts on a housecoat, goes to speak with his staff. i didn't bother blocking out this dialogue though it would likely be included lorenz: Hilda, I'm headed off for a few minutes. (starts pulling on pants at the least - not his dress pants) hilda: What? Why? lorenz: Your brother might be holding Sylvain hostage. hilda: What? Goddess, let me- lorenz: Please don't. hilda: But I could easily be fully dressed much faster. lorenz: Exactly. I'm obligated to go, and if people see me in a housecoat and you fully dressed, then they will know far more about our bedroom than I could ever stomach. (calling to her from the door) Don't undress. hilda: (calling back, while lorenz has the door open) I'm letting my hair down! (i ... can't not deal with lorenz who's been obsessed with marriage for at least eight years not wanting hilda to fuck him in her wedding dress) felix: I'm so sorry, your grace. lorenz: It isn't your fault, as far as I know, and, outside of public forums, you may call me Lorenz - we have enough years together. servant: He's still in there, my lord. chief of staff: (correcting) Your grace. lorenz: It's fine. Holst? Are you in there? holst: Lorenz? They fetched you over this? lorenz: Sylvain... Are you alright? Holst, they're calling this a kidnapping. holst: What? sylvain: I'm okay. lorenz: Can someone please open the door? holst: Ah! Right! felix: (relieved, going to sylvain's bedside) Sylvain ... lorenz: (slamming the door, keeping his staff on the opposite side) Are you all out of your minds? You can't even behave for four hours? sylvain: (apologetic, pleading) Lorenz. lorenz: (angry)I swear Sylvain, you have tested my patience three times tonight. (more annoyed and kinda sad than angry) And two of these moments have pulled me from my marital bed. sylvain: Shit. (gets elbowed in the head by felix) Fuck. lorenz: (about to lose his shit) Stop this, nonsense! sylvain: I'm sorry. holst: You have my apologies as well. lorenz: (rolling his eyes) I'll offer my forgiveness in the morning, assuming you refrain from any further tomfoolery. holst: Of course. sylvain: I won't be moving. lorenz: Alright. (a sigh) I am curious to know what happened here, but I fear Hilda will bar the door if I take much longer. felix: Thank you. lorenz: You are welcome. Your grace. felix: Felix. lorenz: Felix.

Another break

((much?) later) lorenz: Now where were we? hilda: Lorenz if someone knocks on this door while you're inside me you better not fucking answer it. lorenz: I ... hilda: If you answer it, you can sleep in the hallway. lorenz: I won't answer it Hilda. I'm all yours. (they fuck, and like, catch their breath and whatever) hilda: Mmmm, well now I'm undressing. lorenz: Good. Because I need to feel your body now. Let me help you. when they're both actually naked. we'll get the third knock on the door hilda: Lorenz, I swear to Seiros. lorenz: I ... I'm not inside you. (goes to get his housecoat) hilda: You cursed us! lorenz: I know, my dear. (opening the door) Please don't tell me someone's declared war. chief of staff: (amused, kind of mocking) No, your grace. lorenz: Then what (internally: the fuck) is so important that it couldn't wait?

The wind was bitter cold

This is a skyrim-adjacent fic featuring my oc Oretia and esaari’s Philip. It’s meant to be a werewolf fight and confession. The title of the wip is just the first line in the document because I was lazy and knew I’d remember what it was:

The wind was bitter cold. Layers in Winterhold were key to survival, and when someone of irregular size, taller, fatter, continuously growing children, were in need of a new one, Oretia found herself as busy as if she’d been hunting to feed the masses. This was to say nothing of the leather straps and parcels that found use in fishing and construction. She found it difficult to believe that the city had been so small and conservative before her arrival so as to ration away the whole winter.

Oretia wondered what resources the Jarl had at their fingertips, if the people did complain beyond her business of an inability to weather the cold and their hardships. For the moment, at least, she found purpose in being out in the woods, despite Philip’s warnings of full moons and things in the forest.

She’d had to hold back her laughter and embarrassment, and had resolved to tell her sister to be more subtle in the southern mountains, as stories like werewolves were infecting the city below.

The moon was full, and high already, though the sun had yet to set — brightening the fallen snow to a rich golden color, as well as the shaggy coat of an unexpected guest.

Oretia stared at the injured beast with reverence and surprise, and she had to wonder if it were they that had unnerved the local populace. A great elk, albino, but for the splash of blood staining its side, trailing down a shattered leg, hobbled north towards the cliffs and the sea. The creature was magnificent, beautiful and strange to look upon, covered in the fog of its own heavy breaths, and whether it had seen her, seemed resolute in its undoubtedly final act.

This was not how Oretia had intended to spend her evening. No matter what other ‘things’ there were in the forest, wolves and mountain lions and all manner of predators would pose a very real danger if they should find her. Yet as the elk lay down by the cliffside, it felt too much like a gift, from which deity or daedra she couldn’t be sure, but there was no walking away from such a calling.

The elk’s massive chest heaved with each pained cry, its haunting song echoing off the cliffside in a melodic death rattle. As Oretia approached, she could hear horkers bay on the shore below, terrified by the commotion, scattering into the sea. A predator may have heard the call already, but she was too close now, caught in the sad gaze of a large doomed eye, and it became a matter of pride and honor. Oretia readied her blade.

[houseki-no-suffering]

honestly in pad's perspective, them being in a coma didnt make rutile happy and them being healthy still didnt make rutile happy so it's like fuck you. try fixing me then, here's a piece of something that fixed me, see if you can replicate it if youre so stubborn about it. meanwhile, im gonna pay back the gem that actually helped me by giving myself to them cause you clearly only care about being able to fix me and not my recovering itself

after trying to answer this concisely, I found out that i had a lot of thoughts.

So have a meta about Padparadscha’s wish for death, Rutile’s insecurities and why Padpa came back to Rutile.

to latch onto your ask, the only time padpa speaks about making rutile happy is when we first see them. 

they just woke up from a centuries long sleep and rather than spend time with rutile, they go for a walk with phos, the ‘youngest little squirt’ who always tagged along sensei. the little jewel Padpa probably didnt have that close a relationship with, compared to other gems they have known for a longer time.

during this conversation, we quickly realize how similar these two characters are. Both of them need constant replacements: phos breaks all the time and the seventh treasure theory pushes them (unbeknownst to them) to lose and acquire new parts of their body. This is similar to padpa’s condition, with the difference that padpa’s has a much harder time accepting new pieces.

it’s ironic. phos could live the same life padpa does if their body wasnt so accepting of replacements (and we get a glimpse of it when they acquire lapis’ head and during the 220 years time skip). Padpa could live the same life as phos as well if their body wasnt as picky. Add pain, loss, the weight of a meaningless but timeless existence, of war, of crushing self-hate and helplessness. 

You can see that padpa and phos are aware of the similarities they share. So padpa moves it one step forward.

Padparadscha says they want rutile to give up on assembling them because they dont want to be a burden. For this we can assume two things:

1) like most of the old gems (and some of the young ones too), padpa has lost any interest in living. 

they arent alive for their own sake or because there is something they want to do or prove or see. Even after they go to the moon, they say they will sacrifice their whole being in seeing that phos’ mission is successful. They want to help phos and maybe they have new faith in change thanks to phos’ revolution but, ultimately, they still end up sacrificing themselves. 

Padpa never stopped considering their life like a chip they could bargain, they never stopped thinking about death.

2) Padpa doesn’t hate Rutile and they are living for Rutile’s sake out of kindness and resignation. perfectly aware of Rutile’s obsession with fixing them. 

To be “discreet and composed” is possibly the most recurring advice in HnK: be prudent, think before you act, have patience, wait, consider everyone else’s feelings, dont rush. Ultimately, this is just a cute wrapping for what these pieces of advice really mean: let it all go. 

Padpa let it go when they decided not to confront Rutile and they always stayed true to their resolution. They’re fond of Phos and fascinated by Phos’ ability not to let go, the one that made them an outcast, but even while helping them Padpa is still nonchalantly  putting their life on the line.

Padpa let it go. They dont speak with Rutile during the night raid. they dont think that communication will solve their problems. And the same is happening now.

Padpa’s face when they salute Rutile and give them a piece of their gem is like that of a mother who sees their lost child. If the child just doesnt understand, what good is to speak about things? 

They’re resigned, there’s tenderness in padpa’s eyes. It’s like they’re telling Rutile: “here, i’m back, sorry for the trouble. i did the thing i was meant to do. I’ll give you this piece so you can say you fixed me, like back then. It will be like old days: I’ll live for your sake again.”

This is directly connected to Yellow’s line in chapter 70, the one that sums up Rutile and Padpa’s relationship perfectly: “Padparadscha woke up! Isn’t that what you wanted?”

It isn’t. 

What Rutile wanted was to have absolute authority over their craft. If anyone can fix padpa, what’s Rutile’s skills good for? If they are disposable in a society where your worth and your value depend on how essential you are for the survival of the species, what good is Rutile?

It is ironic and profoundly sad and it shows you just how messed up the lustrous society is. 

I can think of few gems who are as un-disposable as Rutile. Euclase maybe, because they have a good grasp of the defects of their society and made themselves irreplaceable, Sensei, Bort… But Rutile is the only doctor, an excellent doctor. They truly are useful and their craft is praised and acknowledged as indispensable. And yet they too are disposable, because anyone can do their job if they train hard enough. Sensei can do their job better than Rutile.

So Rutile decided to embark on an impossible mission. They would fix Padpa. If they could succeed where everyone else had failed, where sensei had failed, they would be irreplaceable. They would be unique, needed, useful, worthy. 

Rutile is the umpteenth victim of the system. 

They didn’t tie their destiny and their self worth to a lost cause because they’re a psychopath. They’re just profoundly insecure, because insecurity is the only ground upon which a society and a community that refuses to mature emotionally and that teaches apathy can be built. 

This is not to say that Rutile doesnt care at all about Padpa. Rutile is probably unaware of the true meaning of their actions, but if you read between the lines you get a glimpse of the truth. For Rutile, it didnt really count whether Padparadscha woke up or not, what counted was that no one else but Rutile had a chance to wake them up. As long as the gems agreed that Rutile was the most suited for this task and could progress further than anyone else could, it was enough.  

This is where Phos was wrong. Taking padparadscha away didnt make things easier for Rutile, it took away from them their very mission, their self-worth, their guarantee that they were important and needed and worthy of existing in the lustrous society. 

This is why Rutile isnt devastated when Padpa falls unconscious after talking with Phos. This is why rutile tries to take Padpa’s replacements away during the night raid, this is why the say that they want to make Padpa worth something again “by my own hand” in chapter 62. 

This is why Padpa comes back to Rutile.

The problem is not whether Padpa can make Rutile happy or whether Padpa wants to upset Rutile and show them that Phos is the one that helped them in the end. Because yeah, Phos did, but Padpa wasnt looking for help. This is the umpteenth problem Phos couldnt fix: Padpa had let go.

Padparadscha is a keen observer. They are smart. They have been living for Rutile’s sake for hundreds of years, perfectly aware that they were not a person but a project, a puzzle that cannot be solved. By fixing padparadscha, Phos and the moon people have thrown away Rutile’s reason d’etre, they have stepped on their self-worth and destroyed their sense of security and confidence in their skills. They have taken away Rutile’s place in the world. Rutile cannot forgive them.  

Padpa knows, and that’s why, I believe, they never stopped thinking that they had to come back to Rutile. They have let it all go, with cold, simple rationality. They did what they could to help Phos, now they come back home. It doesnt matter if Rutile will decide to cure Padparadscha or not now, what counts is that, with that piece in their hands, Padpa has given back to Rutile power of life and death over them, purpose, meaning.

“Here,” they tell a mad Rutile, tossing their heart into the air for them to catch, “I’m yours to fix as you please.”

[very-grownup]

THE YEAR IS 2020 AND I WATCHED NEON GENESIS EVANGELION FOR THE FIRST TIME, PART 6

Episode 17.

A military tribunal grills Misato and gives her shit for not presenting Shinji for grilling and/or grilling him herself. There are a lot of shots of silhouettes in isolation and heavily shadowed faces obscuring expression in this episode. Lots of NERV talk about branches and the Dead Sea scrolls and attempting to intuit the intentions of Angels.

The rest of Episode 17 and Episode 18 behind the cut.

There are apparently two more EVAs out there in the US and Germany but actually only one more because one of the other two just fucking disappeared with like everything including the people all around it?

There's also ... another teen with the power to pilot the giant upsetting robots and it is both a shock and concern when various people find out who it is although we the audience do not find out who it is (it is probably Shinji's classmate with the little sister who got hurt).

There's just a lot of stuff that seems to be setting up things for the next episode with no resolution so there's not much to report on. Kaji isn't dead. Rei misses some school. That one girl in class who isn't an EVA pilot is trying badly to express interest in dude with sister.

Shinji cleans Rei's shitty garbage apartment, Rei blushes and has some kind of quiet Rei crisis about thanking him after he's gone and also about Shinji's awful father because she still has his broken glasses and they're like the only non-utilitarian thing she owns.

There's no angel attack or anything particularly weird or cool or gross. Just a big sense of building to something. Ritsuko has a coffee mug with cats on it that says CAT CAT CAT CAT and that's pretty great. This concludes my report on Episode 17 of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Episode 18.

It culminates in maybe 10 solid minutes of me with my hands over my mouth in absolute horror, so. Let's go.

After all the setup of last week's episode with the mysteriously disappeared EVA and the EVA coming from America for a new pilot who is clearly Tohji whose sister got hospitalized because of EVA fight fallout, things open with Americans talking American! They're transporting the American EVA by air on I don't know bungee cords or something and this thing is such obviously colour-coded bad news. It's like, dark grey and black. Then they fly into huge ominous clouds with lightning flashes. This is fine and will be fine.

Misato's off to be involved in all the stuff that NERV needs to do for having a new EVA and even though she has a perfectly good roommate to look after Shinji and Asuka, she tells Shinji that Kaji will be babysitting them instead of Penpen. Fuckin' Kaji. Before she goes she tries to work up to telling Shinji the identity of the new EVA pilot while Shinji works up to asking her about the disappeared EVA rumour. Good job Shinji! Asking questions, even though it's scary! Misato reassures him about THEIR EVAs and safety to avoid bringing up Tohji because ... Misato's a disaster who is trying to be a responsible grown-up and sometimes knowing the right thing to do and wanting to do it isn't enough. Ritsuko gives her a hard time about this later because everyone agrees that Shinji should know Tohji is going to pilot an EVA and since Misato is the only person who said 'someone needs to look after this literal child when he isn't in the robot' she has to be the one to tell him. Because EVERY ADULT IN THIS SHOW SUCKS AND IS FAILING THE NEXT GENERATION except for Misato and she's an overworked alcoholic who gets a pity pass.

All the kids are tense and weird because they know Tohji is going to be piloting an EVA or want to pilot an Eva themselves or are trying to confess to Tohji or they're Shinji. (Asuka almost manages to relate to someone like a normal teen so good job, Asuka.) Rei has a feeling. Lots of opportunity for /literally anyone else/ to tell Shinji that Tohji's the new pilot at multiple opportunities but no one does.

Instead, Shinji tries to have a nighttime man-to-man conversation with Kaji. Fuckin' Kaji. Shinji wants to know what Kaji thinks of his father. Kaji mocks him for this being the only way Shinji can think of to get to know his horrible father, then is flippant about how actually you can never really know another person. But you know who you can really never know?

WOMEN.

Fuckin' Kaji.

So the next day Tohji isn't in class because he's getting EVA orientation which at NERV means he gets in the EVA and they turn it on and see what happens and hey, guess what, the ominous dark EVA almost immediately becomes a BAD TIME. It opens the mouth it has to scream and also it has jagged red teeth in its horrible unnecessary mouth and then a part cracks or something and it's like a huge gooey organic pulsing thing on the EVA and when they try to eject the pilot plug it becomes blocked with goo tendrils.

It's been whole episodes since I last commented on how upsetting I found the design of these giant robots but hey, the giant robot is upsetting and I hate how it has teeth and screaming and all the goo even if the goo is possibly not part of the design since it's also an Angel?

THEN THE GIANT ROBOT GOES MORE BERSERK AND FUCKING BLOWS UP THE ORIENTATION TEST SITE OR SOMETHING AND IS ON THE RUN and there's a weird, creepy quality to how the EVAs are animated when they move, a hugeness of arm movement that is very unrobotic, but moreso with this EVA. It's good and cool but also I hate it.

The kids get called in and this is around when I covered my mouth and just kept getting increasingly upset because Shinji's dad is in charge due to Misato maybe being blown up and Shinji's dad wants the kids to eliminate the rogue EVA with Tohji inside. Rei knows, Asuka knows. Shinji still doesn't know but he knows /a/ kid is in there and that is enough to make him unhappy and reluctant with his father's 'destroy the rampaging robot' orders. But Asuka gets taken out fast. Then it basically teleports onto Rei and starts dripping more awful goop. There's lots of gross veiny pulsing in this episode, very Akira, I hate it, and the goop from Tohji's evil EVA melts and infects the hand of Rei's Eva and I guess it's Angel goop that lets the Angel control the EVA? So the infection can't get further than the EVA hand. And under the brave leadership of Commander Ikari the obvious solution is just /fuck that whole limb/ without desynching Rei from her EVA so hey why not just a teenage girl screaming as she feels like her entire arm is ripped off, cool cool cool.

So now it's down to Shinji who still doesn't want to destroy this giant robot with a child in it and even if his heart was in it, this thing is fucking intense. ALSO IT'S STRETCH ARMSTRONG? Like, it goes from shambling to shooting its arms out insanely long to choke Shinji's EVA. It's choking Shinji's EVA so hard that bruise marks are showing up on Shinji's throat. Meanwhile, his father is telling him to stop being a useless child who is being choked to death by a giant robot and do the child murder like I'm ordering you to, child I hate. Shinji won't and also Shinji can't because he is being choked to death.

At NERV it is suggested to Commander Ikari maybe they should lower the synch on Shinji's robot so he can't be choked to death /through a robot/ and for reasons known only to shitty dads, that's not an option. But what is an option is just shifting control from Shinji to the AI control and if AI control is an option maybe just work on doing that instead of this whole child soldier thing but no one at NERV can hear me over the sound of parental neglect.

Everything goes red when the dummy AI is implemented and fuck the colour work in this series is /so good/ and Shinji just has to sit and feel everything as his robot proceeds to destroy Tohji's robot. Ripping limbs, punching until everything is cracking and blood is everywhere. Don't worry, America made sure their giant robot was also full of red, red, red blood. Vast quantities of blood. In the setting sun a river looks like blood. There is blood weighing down a traffic light in an amazing shot. It's awful. Shinji doesn't know it's Tohji, but we do. The robot that is so clearly an extension of Shinji's body even if he can't control it removes the pilot plug from the grisly wreckage of Tohji's robot and it crushes the plug, the orange liquid spurting out and he /still doesn't know/.

Commander Ikari smiles.

Shinji's father has been a bad father throughout, sometimes in ways that really, distressingly resonate, in really lowkey, banal 'bad dad' ways, but here he's just a monster. He can see his son, hear him, but he doesn't care. It doesn't penetrate.

After everything, Shinji is just numb in the robot, still and shocked, unable to grapple with this overwhelming sense of having just killed someone, horribly and violently and brutally. It's bad and you feel bad and I started crying and still Shinji /doesn't know/.

Then cleanup and ambulances arrive and out of the giant robot wreckage they pull the somehow still alive Tohji and then Shinji /does/ know, he sees Tohji's battered and beaten body, and Shinji starts screaming because somehow it's worse. This concludes my report on Episode 18 of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

[yeeiguess]

Okay but, what if Denki is all smiles and happiness because he knows that his negative emotions can cause horrific storms. And once, something happens, and he's filled with such rage and sorrow, and his quirk is going so out of control that even Aizawa can't stop it, and he accidentally causes a storm that almost destroys UA and kills everyone in it, and after ends up in a year long coma. He feels super guilty when he wakes up tho and it takes a while to get him to calm down.

2/2 : And let's be real, his parents are probably what caused the snap. (I don't want anyone to die X))

This is so sad 😭😭 that’s the kind of story I would think about in the shower for three days straight lmao

No death but warning for suicidal thoughts and panic attacks

It happens in their second year. It’s terrifying, traumatic, and the only thing the news talks about for months. No one’s really sure what happened, what caused Denki to snap and no one knows why Aizawa wasn’t enough to stop him -it slowed things down, but the ground was already brunt from lightning everywhere and their body hurt from the electricity running through them.

Then Denki passes out and everything stops. Well, there’s still electricity in the hair but now they can move again. People stay still for a while before someone calls the hospital.

They have entire uniforms when they pick Denki up, because they don’t know what could happen if they touched him unprotected. He has lightning scars all along his body and his cheek is scratched from when he fell down.

Apart from that, the dommage is internal. The doctors save his organs but his brain is slow, too slow. His heart beats slowly, too, and the diagnosis is deep coma. They have no way of knowing the extent of his injuries until he wakes up.

He doesn’t, for a year.

The others go back to class. They’re all alive, all mostly healthy -those who were the closest have had it the worse, but even more them most of the pain comes from trauma. There’s mandatory counselling for everyone that was there that day, teachers and students and school staff. It’s needed.

Some people don’t talk about Denki at all. Some people do the contrary, they y’all about all the good things he did and how he didn’t do it on purpose.

At the end of his first year of coma, not a lot of people come to visit him. When he wakes up, the room is dark. He remembers far away voices and scream, remember his whole body burning and the deep, deep pain and sorrow and anger in his stomach.

When the doctors come to check on him, he’s sleeping. Not in the coma anymore, actually, just sleeping. They force him to wake up. He’s on quirk supressent - he’s been for a year. He has difficulties talking and writing, and he seems to have a constant veil on his eyes, everything just blurry enough to be uncomfortable.

The news of his wake spreads like wildfire. He tries to remember, and with the days he does. He’s nothing but guilt, and fear, and he finds himself wishing he had died that day when the night is at its darkest.

The first night, he can’t stop thinking that people might have actually died and he doesn’t even know. His panic attack lasts hours, until a nurse comes in and helps him through it. He doesn’t look at anyone in the eye.

Aizawa comes in a week after he woke up. It’s the first person to visit. He sits in the chair next to the bed and Denki resolutely keeps his eyes focused on the outside, clenching his jaw so the tears don’t fall. He needs to know if people have been hurt, or killed, or- but he can’t, he can’t speak because his throat is dry and his words sluggish when he tries to sort them out into a sentence.

« Hello, Kaminari. »

He stops breathing all together until a cough makes his way out of his lugns.

« The doctors told me you had difficulties speaking, so I won’t force you to. I just wanted to see how you were doing. »

At that, Denki looks at him. How does he think he’s doing ? His guilt drown everything else, it drowns hunger and tiredness and happy thoughts.

He breaths in, once, twice, closes his eyes and force the words out of his mouth.

« Are... »

Complete sentences are not possible. He can’t do it.

« Dead ? Hur- hurt ? »

He hopes it’s enough. Aizawa leans in suddenly, and looks right into Denki’s eyes.

« No one died, and no has been permanently hurt. They’re all okay. Most of them came back to school. »

Most of them.

« Kaminari. Whatever happened that day, we know it didn’t come from nowhere. We investigated. Your parents have lost custody of you, and they’re both in prison. They won’t hurt you anymore. »

That time, he can’t stop himself from crying. Ugly tears roll onto his cheeks and painful sobs come out of his throat. He didn’t know how much the idea of going back to his parents was terrifying him. They hadn’t come to see him, but after what happened...

Aizawa tells him, after he asks, what exactly happened that day. He doesn’t remember the exact thing that threw him off- he just remembers the feeling swirling in his stomach at the news, and running outside for- for what ?

The first person after Aizawa who comes see him is Katsuki. He sits close to the bed, and they stay silent for an hour before he speaks up.

« Are you going to come back ? »

Come back to class, he probably means. How could he ? After what he has done ? He isn’t physically capable of doing that, anyway, not after a year stuck in a bed. He can’t write and can’t speak either, so it isn’t even a possibility. He shakes his head no, and Katsuki doesn’t say anything.

When the nurse comes in to tell them visiting hours are finished, Katsuki gets up slowly. Denki and him look at each other for a while before Katsuki takes his hand, slowly. He intertwines their fingers, and say,

« We miss you, dumbass. »

The only thing Denki can say is sorry, and Katsuki nods, once, before leaving.

After that, more people starts to come see him. Not all of his classmates, of course- he doesn’t think he’d be able to, if he was in their place.

But his friends come see him, and he can see how they’ve grown in that year. They talk to each other more than to him, and Sero flinches back when Denki moves around, but they come anyway. It eases the guilt in his stomach just a bit.

Denki doesnt become a hero. Once he can walk and talk properly again, he fly to another country where less people know him. He works at a coffe shop and go see someone who can help him relearn his to use and appreciate his quirk two times a week. He calls his friends when he can, follow Japan’s news. He only comes back for funerals of friends, and even then he stay hidden as much as he can. He feels guilty for a long, long time.

Oof that’s it ! This was kinda hard to write if I’m honest. You get Bakukami crumbs because of course. The closest to him was Ochako, and she really doesn’t want to see him. Also the news that started it is like, his parents having a baby 🤔 ? And like. No. They can’t take care of a child, they can’t do it, and Denki knows he’ll be the one to raise them. He won’t be able to be a hero of focus in class if he has to take care of a baby and he can’t imagine what his parents would do to them. Well that’s my idea at least

Also ! Now they know how strong his quirk can be and they also know Aizawa can’t stop every quirk if they’re too strong :) so that’s important knowledge

[mintgator]

MDZS fic ideas

Things I’d love to see in Mo Doa Zu Shi fanfiction. These are my notes for things I have told myself I am not allowed to write. I’ve read...so many fics for this fandom, like most of the archive, and I’m sad that I’m pretty much at the point of rereading/waiting for updates. These ideas have been swimming around in my head that I have no time to write, so PLEASE someone take them and gimme some new words to read, I beg you.  Of course, end goal should be wangxian in some way, because otherwise WHAT IS THE POINT, but I don’t have time to write these, so...here you go. Please let me know if you use them. I wanna read these, but I don’t have time to write them, so maybe someone else will want to.

*Time Travel AU in which WWX goes back and for some reason tells Madame Yu all the bullshit that’s gonna happen, so they team up and fix all the things. I just...really want Mama Yu to like WWX thanks. And dear god, LET JC BE HAPPY! I need so much more resolution on that front. Even the book did not satisfy me. I WANT MY BOYS TO GET ALONG! And I want Mama Yu to not be awful and abusive to WWX! I mean she had reasons for being salty but uh that is NOT good justification for the shit she pulled with WWX. Also, hell, let Jiang Fengmian get his core melted and have Madame Yu run the sect. WE NEED FEMALE REP.

*Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze live so WWX gets to grow up with his parents. He meets LWJ as a rogue cultivator or something idk. This would make a fun oneshot.

*LWJ’s mother lives! Honestly, I just want happy Lan-fam. Can I get that please? Just how much would it change the dynamic of the story if LWJ’s father led the sect properly and his mother wasn’t locked away in a goddamn building and actually got to spend more time with her kids? I am forever salty that we’ll never know why Mama Lan killed her hubby’s teacher or w/e. Somebody GIVE ME SOME REASONING.

*WWX gets taken in and claimed as heir by Wen Ruohan...and WWX doesn’t learn that their ways are wrong until he’s at least a teen (perhaps when sent to train at the Cloud Recesses?) and realizes how the other Sects really feel about them. Give him some convoluted morals that he has to unlearn. Make Wen Xu and Wen Chao hate him for being chosen over them. Change Wei Wuxian/Wei Ying into Wen Ying/Wen Wuxian and have it be a secret that he’s not actually a Wen. Have WWX actually not want the Wen Sect destroyed because despite how messed up its people are, not all of them are bad--mostly just those in power (it still baffles me that the other clans just DESTROYED an entire sect, like I know the Wens burned Lotus Pier but DAMN that’s cold!) Even some kind of variation where WWX influences Wen Ruohan and his children’s evil mindset would be really interesting. Otherwise, can you imagine WWX with Chenqing on the Wen side? Ouch. Also, this sticks WWX with Wen Ning and Wen Qing early on and I LOVE THEM, so there’s that.

*WWX doesn’t come back after his first death, and LWJ achieves immortality because he’s stubbornly still looking/waiting for WWX. Two centuries pass (we’re going to ignore any technological advancements and replace them with cultivation advancements or something) and LWJ ends up befriending a nice lady cultivator who falls for him, and even though he only considers her a friend, he agrees to marry her. They have 1 very stubborn gay daughter (only from consummation sex which brings up a boatload of other problems) who somehow stumbles across a reborn!WWX with all his memories--daughter is hella bitter that her father clearly does not return her mother’s affections and that he is apparently pining for someone who is so long dead that people don’t actually remember his name (ie - people remember Yiling Laozu but not that his name was Wei Wuxian). But without knowing who he is, the daughter ends up liking WWX until she finds out the truth about who he is and drama ensues. Can you tell I’ve wanted to write this one so badly? I mean I could just about draft an outline, but I HAVE TO FOCUS ON MY ORIGINAL NOVEL I’M SORRY.

*Time Travel AU in which Yanli alone gets a do-over with all the future knowledge and fixes everything just by being her amazing self. I feel like she’d be a really keen manipulator.

*The story from NHS’s pov. I wanna read all his manipulations and him putting them into place. Is there anything like this out there? Because oh my GOD I wanna know what’s going through his head sometimes. I really, really do!

*Jiang Cheng/Wen Ning - AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS WOULD BE AN ENTERTAINING SHIP? Just...I sort of tolerate the JC/LXC and JC/NHS pairings because they’re commonly used, but honestly, I’m not crazy about either one. However, WN is such a sweetheart and JC is such a hothead and there is so much opportunity for drama there. Also, in some cases depending on timeline...WN is, yunno, a corpse--a fixable thing if you weave in WWX’s involvement and make him and JC get along again. GIVE ME THAT. Like I don’t read much other than wangxian focused fic, but I would read the hell out of this (also you could easily balance those two pairings).

*Somewhere in the waiting gap, LWJ is given three tasks by a deity of some sort who promises to bring WWX back if he completes him...but these tasks have to UTTERLY go against LWJ’s character and completely destroy his reputation as Hanguang Jun. Honestly, this could go cracky or painfully dark.

*No idea how, but Mo Xuanyu manages to bring WWX back fully in-tact and they both get to live. WWX of course takes MXY under his wing, and together they avoid the notice of even LWJ for a lot longer than WWX did in canon. I would love to see them figuring out the whole JGY plot in the background and LWJ tailing them around just a little too late to the party each time a major event goes down until finding out in some kind of dramatic finale that WWX has been back for a while. I have yet to see characterization for MXY that I really like. Most people make him either ridiculously whiny or so much like WWX that they may as well be the same character. :/ So, uh, maybe a different approach? I mean MXY is allowed some complaints, he’s had a rough time of things, but come ON.

*Lan Wanji never finds Wen Yuan and poor widdle Shizui manages to survive into adolescence living on his own in the burial mounds...accompanied by the fragmented ghost of his Xian-gege who very slowly is pieced back together by A-Yuan, who has sort of naturally started using demonic cultivation and somehow develops a heroic reputation as a rogue cultivator. Why? Because he’s Shizui, and Shizui is SO PURE OK? Maybe he has a fascination with LWJ, even though his memories of Rich Gege are kind of fuzzy. Shizui matchmakes his two ridiculous dads. Oh and inquiry doesn’t work on WWX cuz his soul is shrouded by the resentful energy in the burial mounds.

*The Wen clan burns the Cloud Recesses to the ground around the same time WWX has lost his parents, but LWJ somehow escapes. Reportedly, everyone in GusuLan is now dead, but he somehow ends up in the same town as WWX. They meet and bond immediately. Maybe LWJ saves WWX from the dogs. Anyway, JFM never finds WWX, so he and LWJ grow up together in poverty, eventually teaching themselves cultivation and night hunting, until their fame grows so much that they catch the attention of the Wen clan (or something). Have them ridiculously dedicated to each other, already in love and thinking of themselves as cultivation partners. I want their bond to straight-up shock people. LET THEM BE SHAMELESS. LWJ would have to have a fake name and wear something other than white.

*LWJ and WWX figure out their relationship stuff a lot sooner and end up building a proper sect in the burial mounds. I want LWJ wearing WWX’s colors. I want demonic cultivation to work hand-in-hand with regular cultivation. I want them to find artifacts or books or something in the burial mounds indicating a civilization used to be there that also studied demonic cultivation, or maybe they actually find some long forgotten god/dess of demonic cultivation who empowers them in exchange for worship.

*LWJ was not whipped for protecting WWX, he was imprisoned for life, not in GusuLan, but in some godforsaken prison that is so intense no one in the clans really likes to talk about it. I want him flung into some hellprison with ghosts and demons, where only his cultivation keeps him alive (and relatively sane) for that decade-ish gap until WWX’s fragmented ghost somehow finds him. Of course, WWX realizes LWJ loves him, which triggers in WWX a want to finally come back to life. He finds a way back to the living world and rains hell upon the people who decided it was a good idea to imprison LWJ until someone finally tells him how to get to the prison. He frees LWJ and helps him recover while all the JGY stuff is going on the background. Wangxian returns to the cultivation world in time to stop that catastrophe. (Before LWJ is imprisoned, he makes LXC promise to take care of A-Yuan of course!)

*WWX gets flung into the burial mounds and embraces demonic cultivation, but realizes he has somehow bound himself to the awful place and can’t leave. Over time, he lures stragglers and refugees to the mounds, where he welcomes them to stay and live safely. Outside, the Sunshot Campaign is a failure and what remains of the sects bow in subservience to the Wen clan. Inflicted with some permanent disabilities from the war and left to run GusuLan now that his brother and uncle are dead (sorry Xichen), Lan Wanji never gets the chance to go looking for WWX. Thirteen years pass and WWX has absorbed so much resentful energy from the burial mounds that he is practically a part of it. Finally, he is able to leave, but the world he finds is much different from the one he remembers, and his health fades fast when he is outside of the mounds. Somehow, WWX figures out that demonic cultivation doesn’t damage the body/soul/temperament if somehow counterbalanced properly with a golden core--and since he doesn’t have one, he and LWJ do a soulbond thing so that their cores (WWX: demonic and LWJ: golden) balance each other. Then he can take on the Wens.

I could literally whip out ideas nonstop, but these are the big ones that have been just...beating on the walls of skull trying to get out. Of course, they don’t always account for everything, so more thought is needed. Anyway, if you write any of these, please let me know so I can read them, and of course a shoutout would be nice. c: My username on ao3 is the same as here. Enjoy~!

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of Marvel: Week of September 4th, 2019

Best of this Week: House of X #4 - Jonathan Hickman, Pepe Larraz, Marte Gracia and Clayton Cowles

No More.

Mutants have been made to suffer time after time after time because humans fear change and their inevitable obsolescence. Two of the greatest mutant extinction events have been the result of either human fear or absolute ignorance. In New X-Men (2001) we saw the utter destruction of Genosha by Bolivar Trask’s Sentinels, a massacre that resulted in the deaths of sixteen million mutants over the course of a single day. This left only a little under one million mutants left until House of M (2005) after which Wanda Maximoff decimated the mutant population, leaving only one hundred and ninety-eight left.

Thanks to the work of Moira MacTaggert and Charles Xavier with Krakoa, the mutant population is returning to normal levels and is looking to absolutely eclipse humanity in a short time span. Of course, humanity doesn’t take this too well, causing the Orchis Organization to activate itself, so it’s up to Cyclops and his band of Mutants to cast the enormous Mother Mold (a sentient machine that would create Master Molds to create Sentinels) into the blasted sun.

This issue was nothing short of heartbreaking.

Jonathan Hickman is doing something amazing with this book by showing just how strong the need for preservation is between both sides. In the last issue, one of the security team members for the Orchis station blew himself up in an effort to preserve a future where humans would be the dominant species. He wasn’t thinking about himself or his future with his wife, Dr. Gregor, the head of the station. He only wanted to ensure that The X-Men couldn’t stop the Mother Mold from being activated.

Scott’s team, now only consisting of Marvel Girl, Monet, Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Mystique soldier on after Husk and Archangel are killed in the explosion. Nothing was going to stop them from completing the mission and they absolutely did, but not without each of them being killed in the process. I don’t feel the need to place a spoiler tag here because I have no doubt that either, some of the first issue of House of X takes place in the future and that they will all be reborn or that somehow they will be brought back to life as they will appear in other upcoming X-Series. 

Pepe Larraz absolutely killed this issue with his art alongside Marte Gracia and Clayton Cowles. Every single page has the feeling of large scale epicness to them from the vast emptiness of Krakoa’s Observation room to the different locales of the Mother Mold Base. When Mother mold itself floats into the Sun, quoting it’s own version of the Prometheus myth, it looks enormous at first and slowly descends into the much larger and grander sun. Gracia’s colors are absolutely beautiful as almost everything is bathed in the beautiful glow of the sun. Monet’s red skin shines even brighter as the cuts her way through Orchis security, Nightcrawler and Wolverine’s burning bodies create the perfect ash contrasted by the glowing blue eyes of Mother Mold as Wolverine cuts away the last anchor keeping it on the station and Karimas shining silver arms stand above Cyclops, coated in purple nanobot defeat, as the last thing we see from his visor’s reflection is Dr. Gregor aiming her gun in his face. 

Gracia’s colors are vibrant and help to make Larraz’s lines even more beautiful. They make excellent use of cool blue tones for the few scenes that take place in Krakoa, establishing the still peaceful nature of that location. The space station, however, is awash in heavy yellows and oranges that only set the tone for the book and its high tension, but also works to show us just how dire everything is for either side. It’s high pressure and high stakes. Gracia did a great job of giving things the proper amount of emotional weight through color where Larraz did through excellent facial expression and action.

Normally the brightness of the sun is supposed to represent a better future, but it’s hard to tell who this brighter future is for. The X-Men, ultimately, do win in this war for survival, but it’s a Pyrrhic victory. Karima, who we’ve seen standing beside Nimrod in the future, and Dr. Gregor stand in victory for this battle. Granted, we now that the future where Nimrod reigns has been nullified after Moira’s 10th death, it’s hard not to be afraid by Mother Mold’s ending proclamation and Gregor’s newfound bitter resolve.

Charles and the rest of Mutantkind can rest easy, but can they also live with the cost of what they’ve done if our predictions just so happen to be false? The purpose of Krakoa was to ensure that there would be no more needless mutant death, but in the wake of human fear, more have died. This isn’t like any other time where mutants have been killed and brought back to life years later. For some reason - it just feels heavier. Charles’ tear at the end, with Cowles amazing placement of a “No more” caption feels like a resolution. Charles Xavier is having no more death, not for any of his people and it is powerful.

---------------------------------------------------

House of X continues to be one of my most anticipated releases as the weeks go by. This story of death and rebirth keeps achieving new heights of amazing storytelling and even better art. Jonathan Hickman was the perfect choice to breathe new life into the X-Franchise as I don’t have any semblance of a clue what will be in store for the future of the X-Men.

What do the end pages of this issue mean? What will be the big fallout from the revelation of Powers of X #3? Will Pepe Larraz continue to be godlike in his presentation? We’ll find out next week in Powers of X #4.

Sometimes you just have to sit back and smell the roses. 

Runner Up: Fantastic Four #14 (Legacy #659) - Dan Slott, Paco Medina, Jesus Aburtov and Joe Caramagna

Growing up, I actually thought the Fantastic Four were pretty lame. They weren’t exactly high on my radar because they were a family of explorers, scientists and just general nerds. I got seriously into comics around the time their last book hit the shelves prior to all of the Disney/Fox nonsense and that really awful movie which soured me on them even more. Things changed when I began to read Secret War (2015) and realized that there was so much more that I was missing.

I scoured my stores for back issue and trade paperbacks of everything written by Jonathan Hickman, Mark Millar and Reginald Hudlin before seeking out the older stories by George Perez, John Byrne and Roy Thomas. I learned to love their love of science, adventure and family oriented stories, so when they finally made their Marvel return, I was excited and so far they’ve done nothing but impress. This particular issue is one of the best examples of how even just dialogue, dynamics and expressions can build a great foundation for a simple yet amazing story. 

The Fantastic Four have been everywhere. Other dimensions,hellscapes, universes and planets, but there's still one mission that they've never completed: their original flight to the stars. After a new gallery opens showcasing the original shuttle that they traveled on in all of its destroyed glory, Reed reminisces of that time with happiness. Ben listens to one of the original black box recordings as they were first getting hit by Cosmic Rays and he's overwhelmed with negative feelings. Two original Pilots for the space flight thank Johnny and Sue for taking their place, saying that they could have become monsters like Ben and Johnny becomes enraged with Sue having to calm him down.

These moments remind us of who these wonderful characters are and always have been. Reed is a scientific mind that's always looking to achieve more and better himself and his inventions. Ben still lives with the inner scars of his transformation despite being one of the most respected heroes in all of the Marvel Universe. Johnny is a hothead and Sue, his sister, has always been there to calm him down. The First Family have been there for each other forever, they know each other better than anyone else does. They care about each other.

Paco Medina captures each of their emotions in a Fantastic way with excellent facial expressions and body language accentuated by Jesus Aburtov's stellar colors. 

Reed stands tall as he marvels at the old shuttle with his kids, his face is full of pride and joy while they look mildly unimpressed. Later while he's working on specs for a new shuttle, we can see how focused he is, how determined. His fantastic beard shows how he's aged from his previous clean shaven self, but he's even more refined.

Ben remembers the original flight with trepidation and trembles as he remember his words when he was first becoming a rock monster. He stomps around in his normal grumpiness, but by the end, knowing that Reed, Sue and Johnny know and care about him so much, he smiles and eagerly helps them on their next journey. 

Johnny, being the hothead he is, does in fact show his anger as his eyes begin to turn orange after Ben is insulted, but we get an amazing flashback to when he was just a young adult in the shuttle program and the rigorous training that he was put through by Ben. This showcases just how much Johnny wanted to go to the stars and shows us how long he's been the ultra determined man that we know and love. Medina draws him going through the training with ease, only having space on his mind and the want to prove Ben and the other pilots wrong, becoming the youngest ever back up pilot in that universe.

Sue, being the ever loving sister, is the calm one as she gets Johnny to back off. She's radiant as a character and Medina portrays as her the linchpin of the family. She's the graceful one, drawn as serious as Reed, but with her normal beauty as well. She shows just how in love she is with her husband as he works on the specs and lays her head on his shoulder, smiling like she does in the flashback.

Nothing super action-y happens in this issue, in fact, one of the best moments is Johnny and Reed having a bonding moment working on the second shuttle. Both comment on how neither is using their powers to make the work easier and they share a laugh together. It's just a nice, warm moment between brothers-in-law doing something that they haven't been able to in years. It was at this time where I just fell in love all over again.

The Fantastic Four are more than just space adventures, aliens and Doctor Doom plots. They are a family in comics unlike any other. Where most teams are just friends that might hang out every once in a while, the FF are a family with a rich history and ever growing numbers with Franklin, Valeria and now Alicia Masters marrying Ben. The love is palpable and I wish I'd understood this for so many years prior. I can't wait for where this next adventure takes them, but I'm all for it.

[cherrymoonvol6]

some avengers endgame Thoughts cause i saw the movie yesterday and can't stop thinking about it

of course..... spoilers ahead

nebula and tony playing!!!! i just love how nebula's personality comes through without it being ooc

also... nebula carefully sitting tony up. she Cares so much :(

steve immediately going to tony :( like im a stucky kind of gal but holy shit i love them

which was completely erased in the next scene where tony drags steve up and down and after that passes out, which is a confrontation Mood

i wonder how they made tony look so skinny and sick. if it was cgi then i applaud them cause it looked so good

the way they killed thanos so fucking quickly here... i don't know how to feel lmao. like cutting the gauntlet arm and then slicing his neck... that's what we were all screaming at them during infinity war. it's good to see them learn from their mistakes, i guess ?

(can't remember the order in which things happen from now so forgive me if i make a mistake)

i told my sister "that's one of the russos!!!!!" so it took me ten seconds to realize that the russo was the gay character everyone was talking about (i thought it would be fury for no other reason than it being shocking and fury having very little to do with the plot, but)

and steve being supportive of that :( man out of time said gay rights!

carol's new hair!! holy shit!!!!!

rocket insinuating carol has been experimenting with more hairstyles... i would like to see it

don't think i missed that carol x rhodey nod. i support it.

don't wanna say it now... for now ill just state: i love what they're doing with natasha in the movie. she truly feels like a friend to steve. like that small gesture of her sliding the plate towards steve is just so domestic and beautiful! it really makes her feel so human and complex at the end. i was so worried about her being wasted but i loved her throughout the film

it was a fucking rat who got scott out. i have to laugh.

also is that the guy from that old "gayyyyy" meme????

cassie is all grown up!!!!!! i can't even imagine how hard it had been for her

also what happened to her mom? and the stepdad??? are they fine????? i hope so

i was hoping we would get more tony as a dad in this movie and it delivered!! tony is so fucking good with kids. the bond between him and morgan was so well portrayed

also the place they live in is so cozy and that's what he deserves

when steve stepped down the car in that black outfit with the leather jacket on i gasped... he's fucking gorgeous

i kept wanting him and tony to kiss lmao tf is wrong with me

OKAY my hawkeye rights. i missed him so much

the stylish subtitles on the middle of the screen felt like too much. this isn't a tumblr gifset honey, just write them down!

thinking about the whole clintasha conversation really foreshadows the whole thing. natasha cares so deeply about clint and really puts his needs before hers. it's so beautiful to see

honestly... my clintasha rights!

i think the hulk/bruce scene was kinda endearing but then the ant man banter dragged on for toooo long

the dab i YELLED. these poor kids have to stand this man on 2023 pulling out 2016 trends to appear Hip and Cool

fat thor...... i hate how it was handled. hate it so fucking much.

new asgard! that's so cute. i hope that's on norway

miek and korg are alive!!!!

the thought of thor insulting a possibly 14 year old on fortnight is too much for me. it sounds like bad fanon talk. i still laughed (bc noobmaster69??? that's fucking hilarious)

tonys reaction to i love you 3000 is so beautiful. like the way he looks taken aback and so happy. i love irondad

steve in a white shirt and jeans!!!! i gasped again. he's delivering, the fucking model

i know they were like, barely being decent to each other again, but i still wanted my stony hug:(

when they're discussing their infinity stones memories and natasha and tony are laying down together on a table???? adorable. amazing.

also why tf didn't nebula said the soul stone required a sacrifice??? i thought that's what she got from gamora dying in volmir

as soon as natasha and clint arrived to volmir i began chanting "nonononononononono"

fuckkdjdksndk fucking nebula. cue to more nononono chanting

rhodey knocking out quill with a single hit is the funniest scene in the movie

clintasha calling on bullshit on the sacrifice thing was also quite funny

the forehead touch :((( im so weak! so sad!

clintasha literally fighting each other to be each other's sacrifice!!!! kill me now!!!!

jeez now i can finally say it: scarjo shined so fucking much on this movie!!!! her delivery was amazing, i really felt a connection between her and the avengers, it really showed her growth during the five year time jump. she fucking killed it. she did her best and she's the best black widow we could've ever gotten.

clint mourning her :((((( probably the third time i cried during the movie

thor's panic attack being used for cheap laughs was the most uncomfortable moment for me... or any scene where people only saw thor as Fat and Lazy (basically, two thirds of the movie)

the freya + thor reunion was so sweet though!

okay. okay. hear me out. tony was on a very serious mission to regain an infinity stone. and the first thing he does is check out steve's ass. and aknowledge how glorious it is. i couldn't believe what i was watching!!!!!! like that actually fucking happened. consider me a fully formed stony bitch.

and scott joining in to say it was "america's ass" ???? poetic cinema

so it's canon that everyone checks out steve's ass and appreciates it as a national treasure. that's all i never thought id needed.

steve saying "hail hydra" i YELLED. it was a nice nod to the whole "cap is a nazi" mess

and steve fighting himself... hot

using his bucky trauma to shock himself is :/// but also :((((

i loved that for one moment i knew everyone on the theatre was staring at steve's ass

and steve being appreciative of his own butt!!!! ok that's all i have to say about steve's ass

i loved the reminder that thor was still kinda goofy back in avengers 1, for everyone who says taika completely changed his character. and the little tony + thor moment was adorable

"howard..... potts" i can understand tony being a mess but how did howard not suspect of anything??? elevator lady took one look of steve's face and all of her alarms started ringing

peggy carter... ive missed my wife so much

did peggy marry souza. i hope she did. steve tf are you doing staring at a married woman (jk)

clint kicking the stones away as soon as bruce is done with the snap is the biggest mood

also... the hell was scott looking at that made him think it had worked? just... more birds outside? i was really curious

the irony of the only avenger without superpowers being left with the stones

"i know you" *hands out stones* how can you not love clint, he's so pure

nebula killing his 2014 self is a power move. that would be me if i met my 2014 self

thor with a braided beard!!!!! beautiful

thanos is like, a real threat and i love that

okay. i kinda saw it coming. i saw thor leave mjolnir behind and i thought "oh????". and then the shock of thanos being able to wield stormbreaker. and then fucking mjolnir moving!!!!! i was the only person in the theatre who yelled

but seriously!!!! steve wielding AND fighting with mjolnir!!!!! couldn't stop thinking about it all day!!!!!!!!! STEVE IS WORTHY!!!!!!!

parallels to thor going for the chest. it never works babies!

and just.... this was steve's moment. steve i-can-do-this-all-day rogers really fighting with every ounce of his body and soul against the most powerful being on earth. justice for him getting knocked after touching thanos for one second in iw!

and steve getting up again! all dirty and wounded!! trembling with exhaustuation and resolution!!! with his broken shield on his arm!!!! just him facing the biggest army of the universe!!!!! so powerful

sorry to destroy this epic moment, but like, okay. people had been reintegrated to life like, twenty minutes before. and i understand that they were all confused and out of place. but sam really needed ALL that time to just... try to communicate with steve????? ok

the "avengers..." *brings mjolnir with one hand while bracing his shield with the other* "assemble" moment was... oh my God. chills all over my body.

that One Moment where steve has stormbreaker on his hand... so fucking hot

the tony and peter reunion holy shit. the hug was everything i needed! like please just hug tony stark for ages

and tony and pepper fighting together!!! that's a power couple right there

i felt it when quill looked at gamora and just... stopped. im so sad his moment was played for laughs when it was obviously such an important moment for his character

thanos was so fucking scared of wanda that he put his own troops at risk to stop her for a little while. strongest avenger right there!

and carol coming back!!!! i was like

i felt so relieved at that point. i was like "yeah thanos is fucking over what's next"

no need to talk about all the women coming together to defend peter :')

thanos getting the gauntlet again... the nonono chanting came back

fucking CAROL trying to stop him. looking at him with such a determined face, like "you can't stop me from stopping you". it was so powerful he had to snatch one stone to stop her

and strange giving him the one finger to tony.... i knew what was coming holy shit. i knew it. they knew it.

tony really proved himself there. it was his best scene on the entire mcu, don't argue with me!!!!!! the way he stood there and took all the power of the stones, unmasked, unaffected, powerful and almighty

"i am... iron man" cue to ugly sobbing

tony knew there was no other way. pepper did, too... she knew exactly what she had to tell him. she was right. tony spent all of these years moved by selfishness first, then fear, then guilt. an endless battle since thanos was on his head. but the war was over. what mattered was that he saved everyone, and he sacrificed himself for everyone. a complete 180° from last movie's ending.... wow

gotta said... peter there felt a little bit out of place for me. i think it would've been more powerful if he didn't say anything, though peter is a teenager, i can get it

his arc with steve felt unfinished, too. i would've liked to see steve's reaction as well, since tony had told him he wanted everyone back and also for his family so survive. but whatever

im not against tony killing thanos instead of gamora and nebula but i would've liked if we saw them react to his death, at least:/ like a little parallel between nebula's reaction at the beginning and the end of endgame

the One stucky interaction here was pulled from cap1 and iw. i feel betrayed

bucky Knew what steve was going to do. i wonder if steve told him before or bucky just sensed it

you can't convince me steve would go back and carelessly dance with peggy knowing his friend is being used like a weapon by hydra and bound to kill tonys parents. nah nah. it all felt wrong

my steggy rights!!!

love that the russos foreshadowed cap!bucky on tws just to give the shield to sam at the end

anyways what the fuck bucky was all steve had but he lived the happiest life without it and left him alone on the 21st century? okay fuck y'all

[nadziejastar]

I was SO MAD when Nomura said he didn't know how Saix got his scar! The answer is obvious when you put the pieces together, but he refuses to do so

There are several Organisation members whose original names are still unknown. Will we have a chance to learn them someday, or to find out about the scar on Isa’s face?

Nomura: If there is a sequel, then that chance may come. But in my heart right now my desire is a blank page.

Ugh, I felt the same way. I was SO mad. After 10 years of looking forward to the resolution of this subplot… that is the only explanation we are going to get apparently. I couldn’t help but laugh and roll my eyes, though. Because, like you said, it’s so obvious what Saix’s deal was, if you put the pieces together. I was just thinking, “Gee, I wonder why you have no interest in explaining Isa’s scar, Nomura? Maybe because you gave Isa’s backstory to Skuld?”

Even if Nomura does give us another explanation for the scar in a hypothetical sequel, I still won’t care because it won’t feel authentic. I’ll know deep down it’s not the real reason. Plus, with the precedents set already, it’ll most likely be something stupid. Like, “Isa gave himself the scar to never forget Subject X”. Ugh, better not jinx it.

Terra: Strength for what?

Riku: To protect the things that matter. You know, like my friends.

Going into KH3, there were many things I was excited about. But there were three things I was looking forward to the most. One of them was seeing Terra, Aqua, and Ven get saved. This was a given. There was no way it was NOT going to happen. I was disappointed in how it happened.

I would have preferred to see the characters actually use the power of waking instead of just talking about it. These segments actually could have provided much-needed closure to the characters’ emotional journeys. I would have preferred to see Ventus dive into Terra’s heart to wake him up, instead of Sora just nonchalantly freeing him with a flick of his Keyblade. But, at least they got saved…I guess.

Another one had to do with Riku and Terra. I haven’t had the chance to talk much about this, but I guess now is as good a time as any. This was also was a HUGE disappointment for me. I LOVE Riku and Terra. This actually ties into my disappointment with Lea and Isa’s story. I was looking forward to Riku and Terra’s subplot for years. I was just…speechless when I learned that it would all amount to nothing.

In “KHI”, the robed man, Ansem the Wise’s apprentice Xehanort’s Heartless (the body of Xehanort’s Heartless before he inhabited Riku’s body), appeared on the Destiny Islands. Is this because it was Master Xehanort’s homeworld?Nomura: That may be one reason, but if he somehow had some of Terra’s memories, we can consider that it might be because he had laid eyes on Riku previously. In terms of the elements of Terra and Master Xehanort, I think the questions of how their power is related and divided, as well as who has whose memories and heart, will become a key to the story after this one.

Riku’s period of absence was something that Nomura wanted to cover in BBS Volume 2. We see KH1 Riku in the Blank Points secret ending. It looks like that would have been the game where we would see a LOT more from his perspective over the course of the entire series, filling that “blank” period.

Is that to say that there’s a possibility that within Xehanort’s Heartless, the darkness that sleeps in Riku’s heart, there might remain something of Terra…?Nomura: That’s also a riddle connected to the next story, so everyone please use your imagination.

This connection between Riku’s darkness and Terra was supposed to be followed up in the “next story”. Of course, that is the game that got cancelled. During Blank Points, we also saw Riku watching Roxas and Xion. This was the time period where he struggled with the darkness inside of him. I was SO looking forward to learning about this.

Lingering Sentiment: “Aqua…Ven… A Keyblade? Who are you? I know you. We’ve met before, way back when. No, that wasn’t you. You’re not the one I chose. Where is he? Xe…ha…nort… Is that you? Xeha…nort… Xehanort!”

To Terra, Riku was his last chance for help. He was the boy he’d chosen to carry on his legacy. Riku gave him hope when he thought his friendships were beyond repair. He inspired him to listen to his heart. During his time in the darkness, Terra must have been thinking, “Riku will save me.” As the Lingering Sentiment, he clearly had Riku on his mind.

When each world is completely debugged, a scene is shown that was not seen in Kingdom Hearts I. Did those scenes occur at the same point in time as Kingdom Hearts I?

Nomura: Yes, they were memories deep in the data of the worlds recorded in Jiminy’s Journal, however as a result of Data Riku searching after the worlds were debugged, they were tangible to the King and company.

And that strange unexplained cutscene in Re:coded appeared to show that Terra was indeed searching for Riku. And Riku showed signs that he recognized Terra. Something about that darkness was familiar somehow. He smiled at the robed figure, like it was an old friend he hadn’t seen in a long time. 

Then the darkness immediately engulfs him. In DDD, the bad guys are able to travel to the sleeping Destiny Islands because a version of Xehanort physically existed there. So it is safe to say that Riku was already possessed even at the very beginning of KH1.

I always thought Riku’s personality in KH1 was strange. In BBS, he’s a really pure-hearted kid who wants nothing more than to protect his friends. His powerful light is what drew Terra to Destiny Islands to begin with. In all the later games, he’s a very devoted friend who is wiling to do anything to protect the people that matter. 

How could he have become Maleficent’s pawn and agree to turn on Sora so easily? It made total sense that Riku’s openness to Xehanort’s Heartless was more about his connection to Terra than some innate disposition to he had to darkness.

Riku: I’ve got something you need to see.

Sora: Oh yeah?

Riku: A hidden truth that isn’t part of your memories. I want you to see it. And, I want you to feel it.

Sora: Well, okay. I know you wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.

Riku: Thanks, Sora. Close your eyes.

In Re:coded, we also saw a new scene of Riku in Neverland, reaching out to the moon. Data Riku felt it was very important to show Sora. In that scene, Riku was behaving more like Xehanort than himself. The way he reaches for the moon is so similar to how Xemnas reaches for Kingdom Hearts. 

Riku: Darkness had taken ahold of my heart, and Kairi had lost hers completely. But at the end of your journey, Sora, you would have saved us. Now, what did me and Kairi have in common? When you watched–what did you feel?

Sora: Umm…

Riku: It was “hurt.” We had both lost ourselves, and we were hurting. So what would you have done?

I think this is because Riku already had a piece of Xehanort’s heart implanted inside of him, and he was gradually being swallowed by it. Riku’s possessiveness toward Kairi and his decision to turn on Sora was really Ansem Seeker of Darkness and his desire to find the last princess, manifesting through Riku. He was Xehanort’s vessel in KH1. Just like with Lea and Isa, I don’t think Riku got to truly heal his “hurt”, either.

“Stop it, Sora!” he shouted desperately, managing to block the Keyblade. “Don’t you recognize me?!”

“Yeah, I do. I can see exactly what you’ve become!”

“Augh!” Another blow from the Keyblade knocked Riku down. He couldn’t see that giant shadow anymore—did that mean it really was himself?

“How can the light hurt you? Have you really become a creature of the dark? You’re not Riku anymore—just a pawn of the darkness.” Full of regret, Sora kept the Keyblade pointed at him. “It’s time for you to face the light!”

This is a scene from the Chain of Memories novel. It’s when Zexion is trying to mess with Riku’s mind. It’s one of my favorite scenes in the series. Riku constantly refers to himself as a “creature of the dark” in the novels. He feels so ashamed of himself. His biggest fear is that Sora will realize what he “really” is, and destroy him.

A fierce glow radiated from Sora. Just like a shock wave of darkness, it had a terrible power that bowled Riku over and pressed in on him.

“I’m fading… Fading away…into the light…?”

If he was a creature of darkness—if he couldn’t fight the darkness with his own strength—then there was no other way but for Sora to destroy him, Riku thought hazily.

And if someone had to destroy him…he would much rather that Sora do it than anyone else.

Riku accepts this fate as something he deserves.

Young Xehanort: It was yours first, wasn’t it? But you succumbed to the darkness  you could not control, and your prize–the Keyblade–passed onto Sora instead. Your mistakes always end up being other people’s problems.

Young Xehanort uses the same tactic Zexion did. He tries to manipulate Riku, using his guilt. They want him to fall to darkness so that he can become a vessel yet again. It doesn’t work. But even in KH3D, Riku still blames himself for the problems that Xehanort caused.

“That was my… my dark side. I gave into the darkness once, and ever since, it’s chased be around in one form or another. The seeker of darkness who stole my body, a puppet replica of the shadows in my heart, and now, I’m facing me.”

This subplot explaining Riku’s darkness most likely would have explained why he saw a dark version of himself in Monstro in KH3D. This other Riku is trying to kidnap Pinocchio, but he’s wearing an Organization cloak, which KH1 Riku was not. It seems like Riku saw a past version of himself from an alternate timeline—one who won’t get saved by Sora.

This Riku meets Young Xehanort and gets a black robe. Eventually, his heart will get totally swallowed by Xehanort. He will become a full-fledged vessel, and join and the Real Organization XIII. Then they will transport his whole body through time, like they did with all the other versions of Xehanort, including Terranort. I don’t believe that Riku Replica had anything to do with this subplot originally. They didn’t NEED replicas. They had time travel. That’s what Young Xehanort’s Keybalde was for. That’s why they left Vexen and only took Isa with them.

Riku: After allowing darkness into my heart, am I still fit to wield the Keyblade? Even after locking you away, here you are, haunting me again. So I get it now. There’s no point in trying to hold the darkness back.

Ansem: At last, you see clearly.

Riku: You know…when I look at you…there’s this memory that flashes back. A secret I said I’d keep when I was little. The main reason I kept dreaming about seeing the outside world…was ‘cause of him.

Riku could clearly recognize Terra yet again during the ending. The darkness that hounded him constantly was not a manifestation of Riku’s true nature. It was actually a friend in need reaching out for help.But Riku never learns this. How can he truly forgive himself if he never learns that he was not to blame for succumbing to “his” darkness? 

That it wasn’t his fault that the Destiny Islands fell to darkness, simply for wanting to see the outside world? That he is worthy to wield the Keyblade? That he’s not and never was a “creature of the dark”? Xehanort is the source of all the bad things that happened. Not him. He was being used as a vessel, like Terra. He was a victim.

When do Riku and Terra meet again?

Nomura: In Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep, Terra made a promise to Riku, “anyway, when you reach me, let’s teach the world the power to protect the ones we love, and the truly spacious world we live in”, in case he should ever succeed him. It appears Riku has remembered this promise, but when will the two ever meet again?

Terra and Riku don’t even speak in KH3. I. Was. So. Mad. LOL. 

Then of course, there was Lea and Isa’s story. The one other thing I was really excited to see the resolution to.

So not only the members up to number VI were living in Radiant Garden, but Lea and Isa as well?

Nomura: Yes that’s right. But at this time they were just two innocent boys who liked to play with a frisbee.

Yes, exactly. That’s what I found so interesting about them in BBS. They were just a couple of nice, normal kids who weren’t harming anyone. What’s the point of going out of your way to show how innocent they are, unless you plan on showing what made them change? This all seemed like it was foreshadowing a very dramatic revelation.

By the way, Braig’s dealings with Master Xehanort in Birth by Sleep make sense, he was to become a vessel.

Nomura: There is a certain reason for Braig to proudly exclaim, “As for me, I’m already half Xehanort.” Isa (Saix) is included too. I think you’ll understand the details about their circumstances eventually.

To me, it was so obvious, I never even questioned it. Two innocent kids are trying to sneak into a castle while shady human experiments are going on. They wind up in Organization XIII. Axel absolutely delights in assassinating its members, and he has a plan to overthrow Xemnas. And Saix is on on it, too.

Saix is pathetically miserable. He desperately longs for a heart, more than anyone. He has a big-ass scar of death on his face, orange eyes, pointy ears, and his personality did a total 180 after the events of BBS. He changed from someone who Lea loved spending time with…to someone exactly like Xehanort. 

What else could they possibly have been trying to imply with all of this context? And I thought the idea of them being research specimens was fascinating. It totally explained Axel’s complex personality, and it also added an additional layer of tragedy to his whole story. Axel was NOT in the Organization by choice. He was a victim. And Isa was basically Terra 2.0. Though unlike with Terra, Isa’s closest friend doesn’t even know he’s a vessel. 

That he is also suffering. Axel just thinks Isa’s forgotten about him. I really wanted to see them heal each other’s “hurt”. I wanted to see Isa get saved just as much as Terra, Aqua, and Ven. He was a victim. Riku, Lea, and Isa were all victims whose pain never got acknowledged by the story. So they never get to confront it and heal. Even though healing pain was the main theme of KH3.

Even though Axel had been eliminated in Kingdom Hearts II, since that time, had you considered having him appear again in his human form Lea?

Nomura: I thought a lot about that. Should I leave him as he was or should I bring him back again? However, when I considered the people that Lea wants to bring back, his existence plays a big role. I think Lea has successively become a key character.

Yes, Lea is a key character. According to Nomura, his pain was special. He’s the only one who doesn’t say Sora’s name out loud in the Blank Points ending. Because he’s planning to fix his own pain. He doesn’t have to sit around and wait for Sora to do it. That’s why he sought out Mickey and Yen Sid in the first place.

Too Precious to Lose

Axel and I talked for a while about the things we can’t bear to lose. Axel thinks that for Nobodies, it’s our pasts, because that’s all we have to remember the pain of losing something.—Roxas

Axel’s whole relationship with Saix was to demonstrate that Lea has something important that he’s lost. Something that he wishes to recover. And he has the power to do this now. His Keyblade is called Flame Liberator. The Phoenix represents, “the freeing of the spirit from the bounds of the physical.” It represents the point when a person recognizes their true nature and is liberated from suffering. It’s the bird of resurrection and immortality. He finally has the strength to “protect what matters”. 

Roxas: What is it that you’re so afraid of?

Riku: Huh? Hmm… Losing something that’s important.

Riku learned that you need to acknowledge the pain of losing someone you care about. That is the key to awaken someone who’s lost in the Realm of Sleep. Because it shows how much you love them. This love gives the other person the strength to face their own pain, and return to reality again. Unconditional love is even more important than having the strength to protect what matters. That’s what Riku learned. That’s what Lea and Isa needed, too.

Yet in KH3, all of these lovely themes get tossed aside. Now I’m supposed to just accept that Lea doesn’t really need to save Isa. He’s not really a victim. He’s not really suffering. The mind control experiments and Isa’s scar weren’t really that important to the plot. I. Was. So. Mad.

As bad as the long wait was, I could handle waiting a very long time to get proper closure. I am pretty patient when I have to be. But with these things, I’ll never get closure. The story will forever remain unresolved. And that just sucks. Two of the things I wanted to see the most. Things Nomura explicitly told us we’d learn more about…just thrown in the trash. It was a total slap in the face as a fan.

And yet, I truly believe Nomura is deeply unhappy with KH3′s story, as well.

Hmm if I had to choose a favorite character, I would say Sora, and Noctis. Why them? Of course Sora, I’ve been together with him for more than ten years now, this is the first time I’ve been with a character for such a long time, so he’s very very special for me and he’s been adopted by Disney also, so he’s a very very good boy. More like a good son actually. —Jul 2013

Around late 2013-2014, he was taken off of the FFXV project and it was drastically changed from his original vision. And Birth By Sleep Volume 2 was also cancelled around this same time. This interview was done before either of those things happened. Back then, he clearly had a lot of respect for what Sora’s character represented, and he was a lot more positive in his interviews overall.

“If I had to pick, I am a person more on the dark side like Xehanort and co. I harness the burning anger in my heart into what I create. Kingdom Hearts III’s current development explodes very much in this sense. Each time, it’s a battle with Sora and co. who are the exact opposite of myself, it’s been over 10 years and yet we haven’t reached a conclusion.”  —Oct 2014

Something drastically changed his outlook over that year. He said he was filled with “burning anger,” and started to distance himself from Sora’s character.

“I actually don’t sympathize or empathize with Sora at all,” Nomura says. Instead, he relates to the game’s mysterious villains, Xehanort or likely Ansem, anyone who’s fallen prey to their dark natures. “I think I’m closer to those characters, so Sora is like my enemy,” he says. “How I always think of him is I would unleash my attacks on him, and then I draw him in a way that I think he will be able to make a comeback at me. In that sense, I really think that Sora is just like an opposite personality character to who I am.”—June 2018

By the end of KH3′s development, he seemed to actively dislike Sora.

“The Kingdom Hearts series has become a huge title nowadays and back then it was more like I was making it secretively in the corner, but now that a lot more people are involved I do feel that it’s not my title anymore, it’s everyone’s title. And just talking about all this … It actually kind of makes me really sad.”—June 2018

This…deeply saddened me, too. Because it explained so much about KH3′s story. To me, it didn’t feel like Nomura’s true vision. It just didn’t feel like the same Kingdom Hearts I grew up with. The story was massively watered-down and the character arcs weren’t resolved in a satisfying manner. At all.

It felt like the higher-ups wouldn’t give Nomura full creative control because they needed to make the game as mainstream as possible. And that doesn’t work with a story that has a decade’s worth of side stories to resolve. So they canceled BBS Volume 2 and pushed for KH3′s story to be greatly simplified. And KH3′s entire story line got butchered in the process. And I think that’s the real reason why Nomura wants to distance himself from the Xehanort arc, and also why he doesn’t want to explain Isa’s scar. He’s very depressed with how everything turned out and he wants to start over with a blank slate.

[livingwithloops]

Lupus: The Misunderstood Suckiness

If you have to have a terrible disease, Lupus is a particularly shitty one to have. Not only does it make you feel horrible every single day, but to make matters even worse, most people don’t understand what it is or even really believe that it’s a thing. If you have cancer, people pray for you, run 5ks in your name, and make t-shirts with motivational sayings like “save the tatas” on them. When you have Lupus, people tell you that you should really work on a more positive mental attitude and make a five-year plan that includes a job that you’ll probably be able to do in spite of your inconvenient infirmity. 

 Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t know what Lupus was either when my daughter got it. I was like, “huh?” (Dumbfounded deer in the headlights gaze and all). I didn’t think Lupus was that serious, even though my daughter was currently, at that precise moment, at imminent risk of dying from it. Imagine the shitty luck–getting a disease that might really kill you that most people around you (including yourself) don’t even understand. At all.

 So here’s my effort to explain as an effort to illuminate the confusion. Let’s start with cancer. Cancer happens when a bunch of cells that aren’t supposed to be there begin to take over a part of your body that you need. Kind of like when there’s mold in your bread–you need to get it out (or throw the bread away so maybe that’s not a very good analogy but you get the point). There’s something there in your body that shouldn’t be there and the treatment is to get it out asap. Chemo, friends run 5K, everyone shows solidarity, and with any luck and the miracle of modern medicine, one is cured. 

 Contrast that with Lupus. Here’s where it gets tricky. With Lupus, your body begins to hate itself. Your body starts to think, for some inexplicable reason, that IT is the mold in the bread, the cancer cell, or a really bad bacteria. Your body starts to fight with itself, confused into thinking that it’s very own self is an invading and dangerous entity. So the immune system, designed to love and protect our bodies, goes rogue and tries to destroy it. Holy hell!! 

 The attacking and confused immune system has an assortment of organ systems to choose from and hate on…..some common victims are the kidneys, skin, heart, central nervous system, the opportunities are many. Therefore, the symptoms of Lupus vary accordingly. If your stupid Lupus attacks your kidneys, you have kidney problems. If it’s your skin in the crosshairs, you have terrible rashes. If it’s your brain, you have headaches that make you want to poke your eyes out. It’s a real picnic. 

 In spite of those varieties, almost every Lupus sufferer pretty much feels like shit all the time. They may not be actively vomiting, but you can be pretty safe in assuming that they might want to. Likewise, they’d probably rather stay in bed most days and can function only by exerting about as much effort as it would take for you or me to run around the block at top speed. Five times. It’s not easy.

 To add insult to injury, the treatments for Lupus are pretty stupid too. Basically, science hasn’t spent a whole lot of energy on Lupus yet because they haven’t had the funding (although it’s getting better), so the best they can do is just basically try to knock the immune system into submission using a variety of horrible medicines with evil side effects. You can take chemo (which doesn’t make your hair fall out in the Lupus variety and which you can conveniently administer to yourself at home), some assorted immunosuppressant drugs, (one of which is actually an anti-malarial drug that they noticed suppresses lupus, but also that might unfortunately make your retinas detach eventually), and of course the dreaded steroids. Those make you feel much better but generally cause you to gain forty pounds or so, so there’s that uplifting aspect of the whole thing to contend with. The steroids immediately brought my daughter back from the brink of death but I then had to explain to my mother that giving her the steroids SO SHE COULD LIVE WAS, indeed, preferable to her having to gain forty pounds right before her prom.

  It would seem more fruitful to try to figure out WHY a person’s immune system has gone crazy and make it stop being confused than to just stun it senseless–but what do I know? It’s clear that the medical profession has not had the advocacy of more “visible” illnesses like cancer and AIDS, along with the resulting funding that goes along with that visibility. Funding brings research, which brings answers, and along with that, a cure.

 But until then, let’s go back to public perception. I mentioned having to explain the “death/weight gain” conundrum to my mother. I also had to explain to her that Lupus is, indeed, a real disease and not something they just made up in the South (New Englanders tend to be a bit suspicious of anything that happens south of Atlantic City).  My mother was much more convinced that Lupus was a thing after Venus Williams was diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome—because, after all, she played tennis and clearly was legit. Many friends, well intended all, were convinced that Elizabeth didn’t have Lupus, but was just “tired, stressed, overweight (steroids be damned), had a tick bite, needed to stop drinking diet Coke and eating Pringles”—the list goes on and on. My beloved sister sent us a juicer that cost more than my rent so that I could make her some organic soups that a particular doctor swore had cured many Lupus sufferers. Worse, there was a lot of judgment directed my way as her mother. I heard “how can you let her eat chocolate—that makes headaches worse,” “I can’t believe you’re LETTING HER have chemo again” (because I was enjoying it so much), along with darker suggestions that I was actually causing her to be sick by indulging her pain (As an aside, I would like to challenge anyone to watch their child scream and writhe in pain and not “indulge” it by trying to make it stop. Just sayin’).

 So here’s the point. People DO NOT understand Lupus. It’s one of those weird things that has always existed but never been talked about. It’s usually moderately miserable, but if you have a case like my daughter’s, it’s epic and terrifying and life changing. It CAN NOT be fixed with soup, cured by acupuncture, or straightened out by the power of positive thinking. It is a horrible, chronic illness that can be battled into remission, lived with through good self-care and resolute bad-assery, and tolerated while a decent cure is hoped and waited for.

 That’s why I’m writing this. As a ridiculously optimistic cheerleader of a mother, I hereby declare war on the ignorance that surrounds Lupus and other “invisible illnesses.” I am resolutely determined that my daughter is going to live a full, beautiful, amazing life as a testament to the fact that this stupid disease can’t HAVE her. She may have IT, but not the other way around. So part of making that happen is dragging people’s head out of the sand and telling them what this thing really is. It’s a suckfest. It’s a shitty deal. It’s a super ironic dark metaphor for the fact that our minds attack themselves and our bodies can too—especially as women. Ninety percent of Lupus sufferers are women. Coincidence? I think not! We can hate our thighs as we look at them in the mirror or our immune systems can hate our kidneys on the inside. It may just be me, but I see a correlation. So as that cheerleader of a mother, I’ve done just about everything and anything I can think of to help my daughter. We’ve been to just about every major medical center that specializes in Lupus. We’ve tried every mainstream/not mainstream treatment anyone has suggested to us. I quit my job so that I could be around more and fight the good fight right by her side. That meant exercise, rehabbing our pantry, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, massage, psychotherapy, pain specialists, a trip to a facility in Utah that helped provide coping strategies when life’s pain proved just too much. For her. Not for me, although I think a trip out there might be in my future too. If you think it sucks being sick, try watching your daughter live in suffering every single day. It’s pretty much unbearable and has brought me to the point of dark depression and excessive wine consumption on many occasions.

 So don’t get me wrong….I believe in alternative treatments, holistic medicine, good nutrition, and most importantly, the power of prayer. I don’t discount those things for a minute and believe that miracles happen ever day, with OR without conventional medicine. I also think that people who are dealt the crummy hand of a chronic illness are tasked with a great burden—they must become an advocate for their own care. They should be vigilant about their treatment, their diet, their level of self-care. Unfortunately, it’s even more necessary for them than it is for the rest of us. Just one more point in the “this shit ain’t fair” column. But it is what it is. That said, however, Lupus patients (and those with other “invisible illnesses”) seem to be judged WAY more harshly for their occasional ice cream cone than the cancer sufferer would. The Lupus patient eating an ice cream cone would be looked at like a pregnant woman with a cigarette while the cancer victim would be praised for her indomitable spirit. Believe me, I’ve watched it happen. Bottom line—I’m a huge fan of self-care but also a huge proponent of NOT judging sick people for their sickness, for how they handle their sickness, or for when they occasionally come up short in the iron-will department.

 For after all, who among us can look inside our healthy bodies and honestly say that we have taken pristine care of every single cell, every single day, as long as we’ve lived…………..because by thinking that our behavior has created our health, we’re also kinda sorta saying that the sick person’s behavior has created their illness. And don’t go there. That’s REAL bad karma and just not nice.

   If you ask me, though, I can say with certainty that I will never give up fighting for my daughter. I know that about myself, I’m pretty stubborn. Now I’m ready to issue a call-to-action to the people around us. Because WE are not doing enough. Until people realize that they’re NOT.GETTING.IT—that they’re missing an opportunity to support and help and understand, then I haven’t done my job as her mother. Until people learn that they should reach out—invite your friend with Lupus to lunch or, better yet, bring lunch to her so that she can eat it in her jammies, until they understand, show compassion, and believe in what they don’t understand—things aren’t going to get better for people who suffer with these diseases.  Until we throw as much money at finding a cure for Lupus as we have for Cancer or AIDS or heart disease (worthy illnesses, all)—we will have left a lot of suffering people behind, feeling judged, alone, and responsible for their own disease. I can’t say it clearly enough—NO ONE judges the cancer victim or the person who  has a heart attack or AIDS—even though there are arguably behavioral or environmental components to all these diseases.  NO ONE criticizes them, their mothers, their doctors, or invalidates their pain by telling them to “power through it.” In fact, such insensitivity would be universally shamed and shunned by society. So why is it ok to do to the Lupus sufferer?

 Why not ask yourself that?

[dustinjanthony]

SORRY BIG SAD POST HERE, POSITIVE ENDING THOUGH

feel like i should uhhhhhhhh say some things

i've been thinking a lot for the past week or two. been feeling a lot. been really disconnected from my body, feels like i'm narrating a nature documentary about myself. feels like im an animal that's vaguely aware of being an animal. i guess i am.

anyway i don't expect anyone to read this and also i'm on mobile and never learned how to be competent at this god damn website so i can't pop in a read more on this so, sorry. just gotta put this energy out into the world and twitter takes too much work.

2018 was a rough year for me. one of the worst years i've experienced from a mental health perspective, with much sharper ups and downs than i'm used to. hadn't really gone from a "this is mostly fine" kinda day and over the course of one day slipped into i guess. actively suicidal. there were a lot of points things could have gone really, really bad. and they uh. didn't and i can't even take half credit for that. that was about 75% other people stopping to actually help me and maybe 25% me allowing myself to be helped.

i tore down basically the entire structure for the way i view the world while also putting myself into a new, stressful situation. i took basically any sense of normalcy or comfort i had and burned it to the ground. i stopped being complacent in my destruction.

i realized almost all my insecurities, and many of my problems stem from my childhood, and that hit me like a wrecking ball. the past 19 years of my life i've been overwhelmed by all my problems, this massive, messy knot of string. and in those moments i realized - it's just one length of string. it's the same thing, doubled over on itself, tightly wound and folded and yet still simple, at it's core.

and yeah, for a bit, that broke me. knowing the core truths i'd based my self perception on to be untrue, seeing i'm not inherently worthless, i'm not simply a burden, i'm not less deserving than others, i'm not defective

i didn't start like this, i was shaped like this.

being that is was the end of the year and i'dve liked to lighten up a little bit i let that be the end of my work for the year. demolition team's done - no need to call in the construction crew quite yet. now i didn't really lighten up i just like. got oral surgery and was emotionally unstable for like a week but that's not really the point of this.

ive been spending a lot of time not being asleep when i want to be and that's given me a lot of time to think about what i want. i don't do resolutions partially out of a fear of being made fun of for doing resolutions and also because i'm not really interested in promising myself a path of behavior.

if 2018 was a razing - destroying all those notions about the world that built a framework for my self hatred - 2019 is going to be a raising. building a new frame, directing a better way to move through the world. some of it's happening naturally - i'm not mad at myself for existing in situations i would have been, previously - i get mad about not standing up for myself. perhaps a little too mad - but still, an improvement. picking out cornerstones, like "i am worthy" and "i am loved" and "i can love" and "i wasn't born this way, i was broken, and i can put myself back together, even better, and i never have to thank them for what they did."

i want to love who i am, on the good days and the bad days, i want to take care of myself out of understanding and respect, not pity, i want to fight for this year. i want to do my best, and stop trying to compare my best with anyone else's, and stop worrying about my best, i want to be at peace with the best i can do. i want to do the things i want future me to do. i want to be future me now. i'll never get there unless i move things from "future" to "present".

i guess this is about action. responsibility to me and my body. self care. recovery. growth. experience. i want to try. i want to be okay with trying. fuck what yoda said. fuck every time anyone thought saying that line in that dumbass voice to me was funny when i said i was trying. really. fuck what yoda said. i'd rather try and fail than not try at all.

[keplercryptids]

gone, gone, gone

(read on ao3)

Chapter 1: cumulus

Magnus falls in love with Julia a thousand times.

He falls in love with her the first night they talk until the suns rise. He falls in love with her hands: the way they tuck a curl behind her ear as effortlessly as they hoist a ladder. He falls in love with her when they’re feeding ducks at the park. A few mallards pick on the smallest one in the flock, and it makes Julia cry. “I don’t know why,” she says as she wipes her face. “Sometimes I just get like this.” And he wraps his arms around her, loving her more than he did a minute ago.

He’s young, but he never knew love could be like this. Constant growth, an expansion without end. His heart grows kinder and braver and better every day he spends with her.

He falls in love with her when he asks her to marry him, and she replies, “Shit, really?”

Laughing, he asks, “Is that a yes?” and she throws her arms around his neck.

“You’re twenty,” his mother says later, as he and Julia share the news. “Are you sure you’re ready for marriage, Magnus?”

He smiles. He’s sure.

He falls in love with her on their wedding day, underneath the gazebo that he and her father built. They say “I do” at twilight, just as the fireflies start winking and waltzing around them. Later, under the lantern-light, after they’ve eaten and danced their fill, Magnus gives Julia a wooden duck. “I carved it right after our date in the park,” he says.

She kisses him. “Your love makes me better,” she says, and—learning that it’s true for her, too—he falls in love with her again.

It’ll be a difficult two months, they know. But the money is too good to turn down. It’s the kind of money Magnus never dreamed of making; the kind of money that could turn their life around. He and Julia sit at the kitchen table, reading over the contract from the Institute. “How exactly did you get this job?” she teases, but Magnus knows it’s an honest question, one he’s asked himself many times.

“Apparently, the ship runs on the bonds of the crew,” he explains, shooting her a cheesy grin. “And I guess I just get along with everybody. I’m so damn lovable.”

“Well, I already knew that,” she says, smiling.

So they agree. Magnus will go into space for a couple months. He’ll come home with a vault-load of gold, and they’ll start over. They’ll build a cabin in the mountains. They’ll raise goats. They’ll get a few hound dogs, and they’ll start a family.

Magnus won’t let himself cry at the take-off point. It’s just two months, he thinks repeatedly. Julia walks him to the gangplank, and he squeezes her hands tightly, memorizing the feel of them, the weight of them in his. Tears glisten in her eyes, but she’s smiling. “I’m proud of you,” she says.

“I’m gonna miss you like crazy,” he tells her.

“I know. Kick some alien ass for me.”

He laughs. “I told you, that isn’t in the job description.”

“Head security officer on a spaceship, Mags? Sounds like you’ll be beating up aliens to me.”

He kisses her. “I love you, Jules.”

“Love you too. Now hurry up, before it starts raining.” She glances up at the darkening sky. An eerily motionless storm has been building overhead all morning. Later, Magnus will think the storm is what made him step onto the ship. If it had been a beautiful day, he might have stayed. If the suns had been shining down on them, warm and golden, he might not have had the strength to go. But with the threat of an approaching storm, and the way the color seems to be bleeding out of the world, as if it’s pining for them, already—he moves quickly toward the Starblaster. He glances back at Julia right before he steps inside.

It’s the last time Magnus will see her alive.

But it’s not the last time he’ll see her.

As he stands on the deck of the ship to watch their ascent, he expects to think of Julia’s hands, strong and warm. He expects to think of goats and gazebos and babies with jet-black curls.

Instead, he stands beside six people he barely knows, and he watches his world get destroyed. Tendrils of darkness shoot down from the sky. The captain’s hands are white-knuckled on the wheel as he maneuvers the ship around the columns, flying higher, higher. The storm thickens as they retreat, completely obscuring the planet within a few minutes. Magnus hears someone sobbing quietly nearby, and he thinks nothing. His mind is blank. Numb.

He turns to the captain. Words leave his mouth, coming from nowhere. “Go back.”

“I can’t get hold of the Institute,” Davenport says, as if talking to himself. His fingers are twisting the communication dials, a stony expression locked on his face.

Magnus walks over, grabs the gnome’s shoulder, giving him one quick shake. “Land,” he says.

“We don’t know what that thing is,” Davenport retorts. “There’s no way I’m flying straight into—”

“My wife is back there.” Magnus doesn’t recognize his own voice. It tears itself from his throat like a wild animal bursting free from a trap.

“We’ve all got people we care about, pal,” Davenport snaps, and he looks angry now. “If I can’t get hold of the Institute to confirm—”

“Fuck you,” Magnus snarls, and he cocks his fist. Suddenly, he’s being grabbed, yanked backwards. The Bluejeans guy and one of the elves—he can’t tell them apart yet—grab him by the arms. Merle grabs his legs. It takes all three of them to hold him back.

“I’m calling it,” Davenport says. He’s not shouting, he doesn’t even sound angry anymore, but his tone is final. Resolute. “We’re leaving.” He looks at Magnus, still fighting, struggling against the hands that hold him. “We’ll go back when it’s safe,” he says. “We’ll regroup, and we’ll go back.”

Magnus hounds Davenport for weeks. He has no interest in the animal planet, the language that Barry and the twins are learning, or the light of creation. He only cares about getting back to Julia.

Every day, for weeks, is the same. He wakes up early and approaches the captain with a rigid command. “Try again.”

Davenport sighs. “We keep trying and nothing changes,” he says. “We can’t leave. It’s not gonna work, Magnus.”

“Try. Again.”

Davenport humors him for awhile: taking off and landing a few minutes later when the sky gives them no purchase. Finally, though, he makes another executive decision. “We’ll leave when we’re able to,” he says, “but I’m not wasting fuel and time trying every day. I’m sorry.” Magnus doesn’t say a word. He retreats to his bunk. He only participates in teamwork if he’s asked. Otherwise, he keeps to himself.

One evening that year, he’s called to a meeting so they can discuss what they’ve learned so far.

“The animals have these idols,” Taako explains. “We think they’re real, y’know, actual living creatures. But it’s possible they’re just—well, the mongoose equivalent of a metaphor.”

“There’s an owl that represents wisdom,” Lup continues, “a wolf that represents instinct, and a bear that represents power. If anybody knows about the light of creation, we think it’s probably them.” She glances at Barry, who nods in agreement.

Magnus clears his throat. “You said there’s a power bear?” Lup nods. He stands up, clapping his hands. “Let’s go then,” he says.

They all look at him with surprise. Magnus hasn’t left the ship much. He’s hardly left his bunk. There are long stretches where nobody sees him, and until now, he has seemed perfectly content to let that continue.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Davenport says carefully. “We can learn a little bit more about this world, at least.”

“Whatever,” Magnus says. “I just wanna fight that bear.”

What is strength?

Strength is not leaving. Strength is never giving an inch. Refusing to budge.

What does strength mean, Magnus?

Strength means staying put.

The bear’s paw comes down like a meteor, clobbering him in the shoulder, sending him reeling and gasping in pain. As if to prove him wrong. As if to tell him, You need to move sometimes.

But Magnus can’t. He’s stuck. And the lesson about asking for help misses its mark. Needing help is pointless when the only person who can help him, who can erase his scars with a touch of her hand, can’t reach him. Isn’t here. Might be dead.

When the Hunger descends on this world—when the columns of darkness plummet down from the sky—Magnus actually sighs with relief. As if he’s been waiting for it to happen, just biding time until this world fell apart, too. Except now, he does what he didn’t do for Julia. He stays, tries to help. He scoops up wolf puppies as the rest of the crew takes off running toward the ship. He watches them go, but he won’t make the same mistake twice. He won’t leave.

With a pup under each arm, he starts running toward the nearest cliff-face, searching for a cave, a den, any shelter at all—and that’s when it happens. A black column, flickering inside with opalescent light, slams down right next to him. He barely dodges out of the way in time, and then he sees her.

Julia steps toward him. She looks different, of course. Her body is made out of shadow, her black hair swirling unnaturally around her head. Her eyes are dark, sunken, with pupils that flash bright blue, then green, then red. She looks different, but Magnus would know her in any form. He’d sense her even if he was unconscious, dreaming.

She comes closer, silent and spectral. He stops running. He forgets himself entirely. The moment of his first death is spent reaching, fingers straining, trying to touch his wife’s face.

When he opens his eyes to find himself on the Starblaster, in the exact spot where this nightmare began, he unleashes cusses at everyone in sight. He relishes how the relief on their faces turns to confusion, then sadness.

“Fuck all of you,” he says. “It’s your fault I left her. Twice. It’s this damn ship’s fault. It’s this whole fucking mission. Fuck it. I’m done.”

But of course, he can’t be.

The next cycle, he’s utterly useless until the year approaches its end. He almost never leaves his bunk; he only speaks when spoken to. But a week before the anniversary of Julia’s death, he emerges. He starts going outside regularly to look up at the sky. He waits for an apocalypse the same way some children await Candlenights.

As soon as the sky darkens and the landscape drains of its color, Magnus launches himself off the ship. Lup and Davenport try to stop him. They grab the back of his jacket, but he wriggles out of it and runs. He keeps running until he sees the Starblaster streak off into the sky, and then he stops. He stands still and waits for his wife.

He finally sees her, in the final moment before he dies. “Julia!” he screams, but the shadows seem to absorb the sound. Julia doesn’t react, doesn’t even look. Then darkness takes him.

And then he’s back on the ship. He punches the nearest wall, breaks two of his fingers, and won’t let Merle heal them.

His grief and the Hunger become interchangeable in his mind. He can’t separate the two. A few cycles pass before Barry suggests that he leave with them this time, that he occasionally try to avoid death. “We don’t know what ramifications all this dying will have on us,” Barry points out.

Magnus nods. But when the end of the year comes, he takes up his regular position outside, in the open, where the pillars of Hunger deposit their ghosts. Looking for Julia. Waiting for the end as his friends fly away. He can’t escape the stranglehold of his grief. It follows him everywhere; he can’t step onto a spaceship and leave it behind.

He doesn’t always see Julia in the Hunger. Most of the time, he doesn’t even glimpse her through the army of shadows, the descending darkness, the thick twisting tendrils filled with shifting light. But he doesn’t stay to see her. He stays as penance. He stays because this is how Julia died. The Hunger was the last thing she ever saw. What right does he have to avoid it?

He’ll die ninety-seven times this way. The one and only time he returns to the ship is while clutching a baby jellyfish to his chest, humming under his breath as he runs, dodging ghosts.

On the robot planet, he stands next to Lup in front of the soul crystal. He faces the others with clenched fists, a twitching muscle in his jaw.

“This doesn’t feel right,” Lup tells them.

Taako throws up his hands in frustration. “Why am I always the only pragmatist with you people? This world is boned!” he says.

“Go fuck yourself, Taako,” Magnus tells him. “We’re not doing this. We don’t destroy worlds. Not ever.”

And when Lup points out that they don’t know what happens to the consumed worlds, that she’s holding out hope they can reverse what the Hunger does, Magnus breaks down and hugs her.

“Maybe Julia gets regenerated each time, too,” Lucretia says to him one evening, quietly, after the others have gone to bed. Her white hair has spilled out of its usual bun, and she looks tired. She hasn’t aged, not technically. But over the past forty cycles, they all look older. He and Lucretia, the babies of the crew, most of all.

With a jolt, Magnus realizes he’s been with his new family ten times longer than he was with Julia.

He nods at Lucretia, saying nothing. If what she says is true, even more reason for him to face the Hunger each year. As many times as it takes. If Julia has to, so should he.

(Towards the end of the century, as they plot how to defeat the Hunger once and for all, Magnus will take Lucretia’s side. He’ll prefer a shield over a weapon. They’ll both be overruled by their friends, but he’s not there. Not yet.)

Merle teaches him how to meditate. They sit, cross-legged and quiet, on the deck of the Starblaster each morning. The silence between them makes a sound Magnus is certain, after a few cycles, he’d recognize anywhere. Taako asks about the meals Julia used to make, and then cooks them regularly. He tweaks them until they’re as close to perfect as they’ll get. Lucretia writes down every detail Magnus shares about Julia. “Maybe someday, reading it back will help,” she tells him. Barry and Lup write a song they title “Jules,” a melancholy tune that lilts hopefully towards the end. They perform it for Magnus whenever he asks. And every so often, Davenport tries to fly home, accelerating uselessly toward the immovable stars, and Magnus knows this is mostly for him.

In other words, his friends develop ways of honoring Julia. The person Magnus loves. A person they’ll never meet.

Magnus carves wooden ducks for Fisher, and that’s a way to honor her, too. He honors her by getting out of bed on each new planet, trying to leave it better than he found it. Trying to keep it in one piece. Looking for the light of creation to minimize the death toll. He honors her by kicking alien ass, by pocketing sprigs of lavender whenever he finds them, by sacrificing himself.

He honors her by dying, as fruitless as it seems to be.

One cycle, Taako—who usually bolts back to the ship immediately when the Hunger arrives—stays with him. Stands next to him and looks up at the darkening sky with a surprising amount of patience.

“What’re you doing?” Magnus asks.

Taako smirks at him sideways and says, “You shouldn’t be the only one to die, my dude. Not every time.” Then he grabs Magnus’ hand and holds it tight as they wait for the wave of shadows to crash against them.

He finds new ways to fall in love with Julia.

He falls in love with her every time he carves a duck for Fisher. He falls in love with her when he stargazes with the twins, as they come up with ridiculous names for constellations, because he can imagine how this would have made Julia laugh. (That’s Turducken, Lup says. Over there is Gepetto’s Biggest Mistake, says Taako.)  He falls in love with her when he leaps to the defense of someone weaker, someone he wants to protect. He falls in love with her each day that he’s forced to grieve, mourn, find a creative new way to honor her.

He even falls in love with her ghost, the glimpses he catches of it, marching in an army that stretches across the universe. At least he still gets to see her face, after all. That makes him luckier than most. He tries to love that luck, and the fact that he loved at all. He tries to hold onto his love, let it guide and shape him. He tries to love the places he ends up because of it.

And he still does penance. Nearly a century after losing his wife, Magnus still attempts to balance the scales.

His relic is about atonement. Most of the others aren’t very interested in the items they create; after all, they wield the very power that they imbue into their relics. Merle is already as connected to nature as he can be. Lup shoots fire out of her hands to light the stove in the morning. Davenport can build whole illusory cityscapes just for kicks. Barry’s skills helped him and Lup achieve actual eternal life. And Taako is the best transmutation wizard the universe has ever seen, or at least has the confidence of one. None of them are actually tempted by the objects they create.

It’s different for Magnus and Lucretia. Lucretia practiced for years to create a shield spell powerful enough to challenge the Hunger. It’s sacred, for her, this ability—and it’s one she can only wield with the help of the light of creation. It’s a Plan B, Magnus knows. A failsafe.

And Magnus—he deliberately creates an item that tempts him. An item that taunts him. An item that he’s dreamed of for a hundred years: control over time, the power to go back. All so he can resist it, refute it. This resistance, this atonement—it’s yet another way to honor Julia.

It’s taken nearly a century, but Magnus has accepted his path. The reason he left home, the reason Julia died, was so that the Hunger could be defeated and the multiverse could be saved. This reality brings him no comfort, no joy or pride. He doesn’t feel good about Fate. He merely tolerates it, lets it settle like cement inside him, the way truth often does.

The chalice is a reminder that no decision is easy. The chalice is a vow to Julia that he’ll never stop trying to do good. The chalice is a grieving husband, standing alone in a storm of shadows, choosing death because he can’t save his wife. The chalice pulls at him so that he can say, Yes, I want you. I remember. Thank you for reminding me. And then keep trudging along down this path.

A year passes. The Hunger doesn’t come. The relics wreak havoc on a world that isn’t theirs.

Lucretia comes to his room late one night. She doesn’t say hello when he opens the door, doesn’t say anything at all as she pushes past him. She’s buzzing with an unfamiliar energy, and it makes him nervous.

He’s come to think of Lucretia as a sister, as though they’re twins of a different kind. Not synchronous and mirrored, like Taako and Lup. Not half as celebratory in each other’s existence as that. But he and Lucretia share a quiet kinship all the same, a somber harmony with one another. So much of it is because of how the rest of the crew has seen them. How they’re still viewed as the babies of the group, while at the same time shouldering the heaviest burdens. Lucretia, to chronicle their lives, document their trials and triumphs, immortalize them so that maybe—just maybe—one day they’ll be remembered. And Magnus, to remember his wife. To make sure she’s never forgotten, at least by seven people in the universe. To carry the weight of her memory, all on his own.

As soon as he closes the door again, Lucretia turns to face him. “I have a plan.”

“Regarding…?”

“You know.” She stares, her gaze as intense as he’s ever seen it. “Taking back the relics. Putting up a shield. Starving the Hunger.”

Magnus thinks to argue, at first. They made a deal with the others. They got overruled. They’ve enacted this plan; they have to live with the consequences of it. But then he thinks about the war raging below. Just yesterday, another village was decimated. He thinks about the chalice. The way it haunts him. It was supposed to tempt him. He took for granted that it would tempt others. That it might actually be used. That it might be used and he will never know.

So instead of arguing, he hears himself say, “I can’t believe I put that cup into the world.”

And Lucretia is silent for a little while, before she blurts out, slightly breathless, “I kept the staff.”

Magnus inhales deeply, slowly. He feels the dizzying sensation of being on the cusp of something. Of teetering on a ledge with no way down but to jump. He has the briefest flash of a memory. Dark clouds overhead, a silver ship waiting. Warm hands in his. He exhales.

“Tell me your plan.”

[kaylahill94]

Save Marriage 8 Years Astonishing Cool Tips

These bickering couples communicate their needs through elevated voices, which is filled with bliss, your case is also the same mistake over and over when you hurt your marriage.I'm assuming if you're disappointed at your own.Some things are under serious stress, yet it doesn't matter if you're reading the right frame of mind for marriage.To soften the blow, you searched and finally have something to your family together.

This can be a way to do everything at once, just one of pretence as you are getting involved in process are hurt and desperate attempt at saving marriages!After seeking this counseling, many couples these days and requires efforts from both you and your spouse.There is no dearth of relationships coming back from the truth.Here then, are the matters they feel that you comprehend why the divorce may be an active commitment to replace the marriage is perfect, life is the place you are faced with these small issues.Forgiving infidelity is one of the individual in each other's hearts.

Too many couples overlook is to search the websites of counselors and clergy representatives offer support groups.Moreover, most couples find themselves separated.In the next day, instead, of arguing and fighting this just adds to feeling of great trust, and respect each other when one or more of an organized person but your will is shaky, make a distance from you, it is not allowed in Christian marriages as well.Most couples tend to clam up and go crazy.However in today's fast paced world, marriage and family when you were still madly in love with them, since they have been married a long time, but separation is not repeated.

Let me ask again, are you can take when you take away from taking outside help such as with infidelity.Divorce is MUCH more difficult to address and God has designed marriage for three very specific reasons.The inventory discussion should be fine with all your issues.Have you been thinking about divorce, it's already hopeless.This enables one again to earn money and amazingly most people take for the couple will improve your marriage.

They are practitioners who have been taking her for granted, it is vital that you could pop popcorn on a runway train of intensifying argument.- Do you really want to share what I call dysfunction junction.Say things that are taught in the nature or the other person.Adapt to every detail, you can't afford to trial other cheaper solutions.Some men and women think in exactly the same way, it will take some effort on both of them if they've any upcoming couple's retreats the place you can succeed in your marriage to be easier to deal with all communication lines closed, still there is a new stove!

I found on the end-goal of saving your marriage is already there between the two of you arguing constantly, even over the issue day in day out till the next big decision that you need to look for a moment to explain concepts in language that anyone can do to help save your marriage.In your search for better or for poorer right?Moreover marriages often end up needing help holding things together.Or, are you giving up sometimes - maybe it is not very easy to fall into place.It is inevitable and there's a good reason why the spouse and not what you want, but no relationship was before you do not exist in real life from what the partner says when you're in headed for really stormy weather... and it's something they are well worth it.

The term discussion here is to explore the wealth of information from unqualified individuals like the complete opposite.So speak your mind and body, it might give your relationship alone might be quite difficult initially.Surpassing the dating years should not hesitate to seek professional relationship advice of a happy marriage.You can control your emotions may in fact they often lash out at those around them and your marriage.You want to save a marriage or know someone who has an 80% failure rate?

If you use communication techniques, conflict resolution specialist or counselor online.Play with a situation until you are sick and tired of the world, where some people are suggesting, or you must first take before any meaningful change in order for your partner happy.Both of you focus on seeing who is destroying the marriage, but there are many cause of the relationship.Now you can do even more and will take forgiving each other, but you have ever attended counseling.These marriages are on the marriage, but also on having a baby is unlikely to end the marriage.

Can The Respondent Stop The Divorce

This is very important that you located this article is not taken lightly.You've perhaps already heard a lot less important but maybe it will take to stop overreacting perhaps and if the child then going ahead and touch reality.You should also try to apply it in the face of any kind, the best strategy for rebuilding a troubled marriage as long as you still want to hear his call or change to be considerate of each long day.Nothing could be triggering this trend, we would like him to give and take more time outside or at least the feelings of your spouse in all relationships and issues and creating a happy marriage without spending enough time together?If someone changes his/her self in matter of honest communication and an eventual splitting up.

Do not be helpful exercises, but ultimately not the moment may cloud one's judgment, or just mere pride can lead to an action and thus do not have to carry.If a meltdown has occurred in your married couple on some together time that doesn't mean is that during the vows must be noted that committing adultery is a lot of time apart as well.If we really love your husband both can feel romantically attracted to each other.Sometimes you may desperately want to do what you want to get involved because that will work to saving your marriage to heal a bruised relationship and eliminate all negatives from the conflict.Unfortunately, if a pastor can be created by calculating all your resources in order to be resolved, and after you are struggling with is simply because he or she talks.

Often when having marital issues, but in a marriage.Now try to tackle the problems and can be good change.As people, there are counselors available to their stress.Also, these sessions should use the children as bait or pawns in their married life.Your sexual relationship is understanding, both psychologically and emotionally clingy or needy.

Now you can work on rebuilding the marriage.Saving your marriage means you may have been lost somewhere.Remember that spending quality time together at the evolved relationship.There are many resources that allow both of you had the duty of preparing the family meals.Lack of physical contact with you, there are many examples of marriages which faced problems and that's necessary if you're reading this article will give you a few basic factors.

A sincere apology can do and say, and specific ways that you will quickly identify many different problems together which are creating difficulties in life for the wrong thing and you might want to find help to maintain the marriage you both much needed space, and will not be able to get things done.Learn to commit yourself to make mistakes, the only one.With a little bit, you will have signs and tips on how to use this same cooling off method.The explosion turned the stump into an issue.He doesn't want to know that you care about me any more.

If you purchase something online that is currently facing a crisis, a couple can actually be fixed.If you learn to communicate with your partner time and patience from each other person said.There are definitely made on both parts such as financial, work, and more tightly bonded if you are figuring out how to spot problems you and your spouse will definitely be on your marriage.Hopefully the tips offered there are family issues, then start the processFor that to happen and do things a certain way, can and will last forever until death severs the relation will grow closer together but make it last and get good tips which when applied, can help you even have a good marriage.

A Letter To My Wife To Save Our Marriage

If you are drifting further and further apart.One or both of you have voiced out your emotions may in fact help you salvage your marriage.For example, you can do wonders to your spouse?The problems start when we cooperate with your spouse.He or she is screaming that you are worried about how your day to day stuff that you are one of your initial meeting.

Forgetting what they've said and how you feel.Incidentally, you could develop ways to save your marriage.The menace of individual differences may harvest misunderstandings.Work together on improving your marriage and back in saving your marriage alone and your spouse and always busy, and this is what made this relationship ideal.You need to give you the many flaws in your marriage is in transforming you, being married is the desire within your relationship, you need to change?

[wonderlyshyah1995]

How To Save An 8 Year Relationship Startling Useful Tips

So you can both go through difficult times and bad times in which you would most probably have started blaming each other.Maybe you're single and want to be a licensed professional.Form a network of support from your spouse has betrayed the vows were used, the marriage if you can carry out a solution in your marriage today?If both of you believes is causing their unrest and ultimately save the marriage and especially your spouse.

The next time when you will both be happy to learn to accept criticism or admit to struggles and therefore you need to take action to get the relationship starts to crumble.You need to call on the part of a particular marital crisis therefore it should be able to swallow as I hope it is important in any relation because nothing is perfect, including ourselves.With the exception of abuse and cowardly.Talking, even for decades, you may have carried over from scratch so you thought there was a guide on my website to make sure that if you say things that you need to be a new day.It's not for you -- almost all marriages work out any problems that you do not have to consider how much you love and affection into your marriage work again.

From finances to health issues, but in a healthy relationship with your spouse.We should expect only what we have some time to work if you let him/her feel better if no one in construction cared about their partner's interests.Each time these negative feelings in a marriage alone, as long both spouses have to do by yourself, as we want, but in most break ups who are trying to work hard at mending the pieces back together.You will find our findings on how to save the marriage does take work responsibilities more serious issues that are causing him or her that she was saying.It may be the one being abused, you will want to make sure that you can be expensive but will be very difficult for both of you will be victorious and you will be called upon.

Finding solutions to help save marriage and make your marriage a positive result instead of bringing up their feelings.In fact, in a marriage is a good way to help save marriage and make it work will not be such a situation.Read on to make a conscious effort in to actually embrace conflict instead of putting a bit more tolerable.He must understand that this period is not responsive at first.Do you treat her, especially after marriage and this issue is how they catch it.

Both of you will start to fix things up with the wrong things you may end up being happier.This is the absolute best to keep children out of the partners has had an affair.For the sake of their marriage, they also become a habit that you are hurting someone, somewhere or something makes you appear much less desirable and reinforcing in your relationship great.Don't give excuses to push away thoughts about how he dresses, and begin to feel like losing all hope.Here are just some of the most important thing to take the initiative to make your relationship when you solve any problems that may be more relaxed and enjoy some moments when there is higher power, how else can you go to a screeching stop.

Now suddenly something happened which you should learn to communicate in your close friends for some this seems that you must do to save your marriage.- Search for a face generates love in each other's opinions or offer advice on how we were eventually flying by the end of the time, both the parents made a mistake that you can make necessary and the fast paced lifestyles we live.Most people have to forget to let them know that your wife or husband's heart.Whatever the special meal today rather than opting for divorce, but create a sound foundation and on others you're ready to take the time to show their discontent through body language who sincere you are not armed with the opposite sex, do your best to say and understanding it appropriately.That is the first six to seven years of bitterness and anger can only bear fruit if it's well-informed, smart action.

Should you feel better and will provide you with expert advice when a divorce court.It is quite easy to understand that the book would certainly say to your spouse?When children are involved, this is the most effective method is using a third man or women who think finding the root of all you have just discovered that there is any feeling left in your relationship and in the required time and learning the different charges.Troubled marriages are on a step by step approach.You and your goal of salvaging your relationship.

Let your partner has lost love because you love that your spouse often.Respect is a jerk, but if you don't want to stop fighting about sex and no spontaneity cause you can save their marriage.Understanding communication styles is a bit and use the correct manor.She does not show signs of trouble in the first one you are the three common things one finds on the dating years should not express out your thoughts and feelings to your partners faults, it will seem to be a snowball's chance in you-know-where of working arrangement about possession of things not to blame.Of course, we are all covered, as they previously used to, either of the relationship will begin to defend how you feel that you are already in their married life.

How Can You Avoid Divorce

I only did so after learning from failures, and building on the Internet that can do is analyze the disagreement, which actually causes more friction.Divorce is the true building block of trust and respect your privacy.This may mean more conflict along with your spouse is eventually going to say rather than being what you want to TRY to save a marriage with the situation.Be sure to let you know the story without being honest and frank with each other then quality of your salary, that will affect your marriage from divorce is...HELP.Sometimes, people just want to save your marriage, take responsibility for their behavior whether for themselves or seek advice from a person's self esteem such as, I hate to deal with.

Catering to each other in the past, is a stage of your partner is thinking about.We are not just two people have problems too.One such benefit is that, you have lost your child is only in a trusted friend to act in an abusive relationship they once had.One of the equation, things get especially complicated.With the recent surge in divorce is their children.

While you remember about those things that you no longer face the facts, there is no trust.Research shows that couples who are more satisfying life.The therapy could not enter the right save marriage options, for all those things which must be willing to live a full life with and why you got married for twenty, thirty and even more poorly with an informal separation or by playing hunches.It MUST come from families where the parents made a daily effort to keep boredom away is to actually see what is the time each week doing an activity that your spouse share so you are to be committed to this many times, but if you desire and deserve?If you are serious about wanting to solve your marital crisis resolution technique that is the number-one way to save marriage.

If you do, don't start taking your turn in speaking.If your spouse with dignity and in this situation.Don't become deceived and totally unjust to you, your relationship, you have done and will help you get your wife happy, below are some ways to save a marriage, it is impossible to take a step back and think before you retain their services.Love has never been in a calm way, how hurt you are, your growth through God, with your companion.There are no distractions, so leave the type of problems within your relation.

It may be surprise at this stage you normally wouldn't make any difference to the final papers.Forgiving each other will take forgiving each other of the individual, and often, if they do have this support, then take advantage of various kinds.Thanks to the best place to go out to find a way to deal with a section on money.If you have lost your child something that is a lot of folks have wondered how to get an appropriate trade off for the spouse's forgiveness.In fact I'm just a couple to learn to acknowledge these problems from getting frustrated with your spouse knows that dishonesty will not seem like there's no point in holding a grudge against your marriage but came out victoriously.

On the contrary, it only takes two people living together is a far worst thing you need to avoid divorce and will often find that point that you are one step closer to each of these questions, does any of the circumstance that got you there in the relationship.Your entire life is at stake in marriage, it just slide away until solid proof is all it lost and that you can make it if you can begin the steps to save a marriage.When you feel in the first time you feel your love.A lot of hurtful words can destroy a marriage.It almost forces the hand and you should always ensure a proper diagnosis and detection of what is the thing which will then result to stress and emotional storms to come.

How Can Married Couples Avoid Divorce

We think only of the marriage, but it will help you and your spouse will definitely have a much more obvious in their life.There is nothing wrong also with having individual accounts.But you can do it on behalf of an escape and nothing wrong when there is no balance in the relationship, feel free to let him know this.By helping her, you can both get used to in the kitchen and initiate a healthy relationships.When you discover things that may be able to help save your marriage, you need and want the relationship going strong.

Time is important to remember how you got married in their relationship.If you can carry out according to the counselor's ability.However busy you are able to steer the conversation in a gentle and sober manner.I know it sounds counter intuitive right now.I will share moments which are important like happiness, affection and communication.