#new urls since this post has been made

[jillvalentine]

re: my relationship with my abuser, currently @/gwendaria (part one?)

[edit: new usernames + accounts since this post has been made: scarymovies, walkingdeads, samcarpenters, the-mummy]

My abusive ex has unfortunately been going full-on with the latest DARVO / smear campaign, and this time it seems to have reached a few people. These callouts are made-up, and they've been popping up continuously in different forms since early 2021 in an attempt to silence or smear me, regardless of their inconsistencies. One second I'm an emotionally abusive gaslighter who they've finally been freed from. The next, I'm someone they don't even know about. The next... I'm a renown stalker. The next... I'm a random girl who got romantically obsessed with them and turned into a terf when I got rejected. The neeeext... I'm a terf stalker racist? Okay! I don't even know anymore. There's definitely more.

I mostly want to focus on the facts. The facts are that I've shared about my experiences enough that I shouldn't have to entertain stupid shit anymore. There will always be the next narrative, more scandalous than the last. Going forward, I just want to make the evidence more accessible so that anyone can find it.

I still have all of our texts, discord logs, whatsapp logs, voicemails, facebook messages, hundreds of screenshots from me and from others (onlookers & other people who have been harmed), and I've become friends with people who have also been friends with or intimate with this person and came out from the other side (some are public and others aren't, because, hey! Look what happened to me after I came out. I have been stalked almost on the hourly for about 4 years now, and I know it won't stop, because I know exactly who my abuser is.)

About 3 years have passed now, so a lot of the 'big' conversations or screenshots I shared earlier on when I spoke out about what had happened to me have been buried in time. (but they are, still there.)

Screenshots where they ragged on and on about my friends, about me being naïve and that I'd know better when I was "a real adult" like them, telling me to drop dead, telling me about slitting their wrists, telling me that someone was messaging them about 'cumming on my face' after I posted (1) selfie. Blocking me everywhere for a bit over that selfie. Unblocking me. Yelling at me. Blocking and unblocking me again because I said something about how they were being awful to me. Rinse and repeat with the next insane shit.

This was during covid lockdown, and it was 24/7. I couldn't fucking breathe. I got questioned about going to the supermarket with my mom. I got mindfucked for not explicitly saying I was back home when I said I was getting the mail, under the guise of caring so much about me, of course.

One time, I sent a snap of these leggings I liked online. Because the photo sent as a file instead of a normal-full-screen-just-taken snap, it became a whole argument of "Did you share this with anyone else?" and I would be like... what would be wrong if I did? Why is it wrong for me to send a photo of some leggings I think look good to a friend to get her opinion? A lot of conflict happened this way. They were incredibly controlling and suffocating, all under the claims of past trauma, undiagnosed mental illness, and most of all - flowery apologies or proclamations.

I used to think I was able to push through anything that happened because they would apologize to me, and it made it okay again. I genuinely thought they just needed someone to give them a chance to heal and get better, or get back to how they used to be early on in the relationship. I wanted to be that someone, I wanted to be strong enough to take all of it and be okay at the end. It gradually got worse, and I found myself trapped in the relationship. Anytime I was close to getting away, I would get drawn back with push-and-pull manipulation tactics. If I had pulled away to recover from their mistreatment, I was then the one apologizing for having had to pull away, and how bad that pulling away had affected them. How awful I was and how much I regretted being affected by anything. I would blame anything else (it wasn't you, it was my own anxiety) to make things calm down.

I didn't see any of this coming from the start. It was a gradual process. Near the end, I was googling things about how to fix toxic relationships (it didn't work because the relationship wasn't a two-way street, it was abusive), trying to think for 5 different people to avoid outbursts, trying to explain away how someone might gaslight and manipulate others without it being fully conscious and intended. I found out it was 100% intentional when I got out. They were telling others that I was doing to them what they were doing to me, along with a bunch of other bullshit to pre-emptively plant seeds.

Gwen frequently tries to use the worst buzz words to create stories and alienate people from one another. She doesn't care about any social issues. What she likes or dislikes is entirely based on what she needs to get out of a situation. If someone she's fixating on positively likes xyz thing, she likes it too. If someone she's fixating on negatively likes or dislikes something, she'll do the opposite. She constantly invented stories and tried to frame people I'd known for years, or anyone who dared to interact with my posts anywhere. She literally impersonated people and had accounts hacked. All she does is obsess over people. She constantly monitored me and created conflict over anything, real or made up. She especially liked to create conflict when it was late, or when I was otherwise not-fully-there, like when I was drugged following a surgery. I was so out-of-it that at that point I didn't want to fight for myself or others anymore.

Near the end of the relationship, I had a private account that I would hide on because social media, and really anything social, had become a minefield. Multiple people had witnessed the change from before the relationship, the start of it, up to the end. I deactivated my main twitter for a period of time (although I was careful enough to reactivate it once every 30 days so it wouldn't be permanently lost) and had to ignore people, stop myself from posting or liking things, and plead with people not to mention anything about me because I would have to answer for it. Multiple people remember me asking them to delete certain posts, or just be careful not to give out that I was doing anything with them. I was abnormal and an immature adult for wanting to spend a bit of time with or buy a gift for my friend on their birthday. We had an age gap, and at first, it was all "you're probably more mature than me :)" - until it turned to Real Adults Don't Spend Time With Friends, lol. Real adults are 100% focused on their partner. Real adults aren't on social media, and other thinly-veiled degradation + mindfuckery. Funny how my age became a bad thing, but they were the experienced 29-year-old who knowingly pursued the inexperienced 23-year-old.

Near the end of the relationship, I was starting to hide away to spend more time with people who treated me well, and it helped me get out. I saw that the way I felt every day wasn't normal. It reminded me of what good relationships are like and what they feel like. My friends tried their best to be supportive, but it was very difficult because my partner was trying very hard to isolate me from them through threats, aggression and manipulation. I'm incredibly lucky that they stayed by my side and told me that what was happening wasn't normal.

Getting out was hard. Staying out was hard. Even after everything that happened, following the split, I told my friends I didn't know what I would do if they tried to get me back again. SO fucking glad that's over.

[writingwithcolor]

Happy New Year 2025 from WWC

Hello everyone,

Merry, cheery holidays! The WWC team and I have been making many silent strides closer to a writingwithcolor.org.

What we've been up to

While the going has been slow, we've made a lot of progress since raising donations from you guys to go towards a .org, which we've secured ever since. With this support and encouragement, we plan to maintain the blog as a permanent resource.

As for progress and use of donations

Times have been busy and oh, so trying, but we're trying harder. Also, donations (and free time) have been going to good use.

For instance, we've:

Cleaned up (Added, removed, renamed, combined) WWC post tagging for clarity and consistency.

Created mirroring pages on new blog (e.g. navigation, stereotypes and tropes navigation, etc.)

Migrated all blog posts to our standalone blog (4000 some posts)

Maintained the URL ($12 a year, Writingwithcolor.org, hidden from view lately as we get closer to launch, although we've had it redirecting to Tumblr only until recently)

Overall building out blog content on the host site ($15.99 a month)

Next steps are to:

Finalize our theme (The fun part)

Finish blog post cleanup on the migrated posts (WIP!).

More actions at a latter date after publishing

Currently, I have been going through each and every post, one-by-one, to:

Edit, update and refine content

Fix broken links

Improve accessibility, particularly on image-heavy posts

A lot of changed in the world since 2014, so we want even our earliest posts to reflect today's standards or at least note if something is olden days or we have a more helpful post or resource since.

Example of a post on the .org. Final theme and colors not applied yet

Soft launch and new hopeful publish date

This is the end stretch before we have an official SOFT LAUNCH!

We're considering it soft since there are just some things we can't easily correct yet or will just make everything take even longer to wait on. We'll continue to cross-link between here and there as we work on getting it all centralized, though.

But to be clear, as intended, we'll continue to post on tumblr as well as long as it sticks around.

Our new prospective publish date is for Spring 2025, in which we can also re-open to questions, release new guides, invite new members, etc. etc.

But who knows - perhaps we will get a chance to answer some questions in between then.

Thank you and let's catch up!

All of your support and patience has been so appreciated. Thank you for sticking around throughout the extended hiatus. Nonetheless, I do hope our robust depository of existing answers, detailed guides, recommendations, reblogs and so on has been helpful with your creative, professional and academic pursuits.

What have you all been up to? What strides have you made in 2024 and what goals do you have for 2025? Have you published any works? We want to hear it all. Share with us on this post!

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2025,

~Colette and WWC team

[bread--quest]

It's 2012 somewhere. Welcome.... to Night Vale Tumblr.

👁️ nvcr-official

Hi guys! I'm Intern Sarah! Excited to be joining you all!

👁️ nvcr-official

To the friends and family of Intern Sarah, she was a good intern and social media manager, and we are sorry to see her go. We will work to find a new intern as soon as possible.

83 notes

🦉 dark-owl-records

CALL OUT POST FOR CECIL PALMER

hes gotten away with shit for too long and im sick of it. tl;dr horrific intern mistreatment with no compensation, mountain denier, homophobic

keep reading

❌ number-one-moonhater Follow

Hey uh. Aren't you a company account? Why are you posting this

🦉 dark-owl-records

L + ratio + god forbid women do anything + your music taste is trash

🙈 seesomethingsaynothing Follow

Isn't Cecil literally gay?

🦉 dark-owl-records

he's homophobic

🪼 jeebyfish Follow

he has a husband...

🦉 dark-owl-records

yeah and he won't fucking shut up about it

2,500 notes

🤫 cecils-private-blog

Carlos hasn't liked any of my woodcarving posts in THREE DAYS!! I'm so scared what if he's going to break up with me :((

👁️ nvcr-official

Cecil he's your husband he's not breaking up with you. also this isn't a private blog you just put private in the url

🤫 cecils-private-blog

HOW DID YOU SEE THIS

4 notes

🏜️ sandeater Follow

tamika flynn spotted in ralph's dairy aisle "slaying" the milk

🦂 scorpiansscuttle Follow

op i know this is a joke but one time i was in the ralphs dairy aisle and there was some butter up on a really high shelf and someone said "don't worry, i'll get it" and i turned around and it was fucking tamika flynn

☁️ average-weather-enjoyer Follow

fake story :/

📚 isurvivedthesummerreadingprogram

No it's true I was there

🚂 traintonowhere Follow

TAMIKA FLYNN??

🏜️ sandeater Follow

what the fuck is happening on my post

8,345 notes

👁️ nvcr-official

can you guys please stop sending cecil weird shit... i don't want to have to explain to my boss what a dilf is

27 notes

🐚 mariella-shella

Hey guys!! Sorry for the lack of posts recently! I entered a hole in the wall and when I got out I realized I didn't know how long I'd been in there, or where I was, or who I am, and I'm not sure that I'm still the person who entered that hole however long ago. Anyway, the normal posting schedule will resume as soon as I remember what my normal posting schedule was, and if I'm still the person who had that posting schedule!

🌪️ sandstorm-gf Follow

omg mariella!!! missed u so much girl glad ur back!

🐚 mariella-shella

i miss me too

42 notes

😎 Anonymous asked: Response to the homophobic allegations?

🎙️ cecilpalmer

Huh??

🎙️ cecilpalmer

@nvcr-official What does this mean? Is it new slang?

👁️ nvcr-official

uhhhh dont worry about it buddy

50 notes

🧤 missy-mittens Follow

hey guys im in quarantine for eating wheat and wheat byproducts uh...send asks?? i might be in here for a while lmaooo

🧤 missy-mittens Follow

oh lights in the sky its been 5 years since i made this post

☁️ glowcloudapologist Follow

how's it going op

🧤 missy-mittens Follow

i miss my family

506 notes

🐚 mariella-shella Follow

hey if anyone remembers anything about the person running this blog can you tell me? trying to recover the fragments of my identity from the void of memory lol

🥔 potato-enthusiast Follow

you were really hot

🐚 mariella-shella Follow

FUCK YEAHHHHHH

89 notes

🦉 a-weird-bird Follow

just a reminder that new residents of east night vale are fully welcome to interact with this blog!!!! you will not be harassed and any hate will be blocked. this blog is safe even if this town isn't sometimes <3

🌻 sunflowergirl Follow

This is so sweet, thank you so much! Just so you know, even though it's officially called East Night Vale now, a lot of people still call it Desert Bluffs! Just thought you might want to know :)

🦉 a-weird-bird Follow

i'm not calling it that sorry

🌻 sunflowergirl Follow

What??? Why??

🦉 a-weird-bird Follow

just kind of sucks. as a name

🌻 sunflowergirl Follow

?????????

170 notes

🐄

⬜️ kentuckymeatshower_deactivated11051983

what does this mean....

🌌 cece-xeze Follow

another great post from huntokar herself

16,683 notes

🚁 helicopters-in-your-area Follow

🌲 little-miss-ectoplasm Follow

you don't like pine cliff? 👻 oo ooo?

👁️ nvcr-official

NIGHT VALE SWEEEEEP

806 notes

😁 the-happy-smiler Follow

Hi everyone!! Since Twitter went down, I figured I'd try my hand at this Tumblr thing! I'm so excited to meet all of you!! Hope you're ready for some pictures of CENTIPEDES!! Feel free to AMA about the Smiling God!

👁️ nvcr-official

I

🦉 dark-owl-records

N

🎙️ cecilpalmer

T

📚 isurvivedthesummerreadingprogram

E

🙈 seesomethingsaynothing Follow

R

🚂 traintonowhere Follow

L

🦉 a-weird-bird Follow

O

🌌 cece-xeze Follow

P

🐚 mariella-shella Follow

E

🚁 helicopters-in-your-area Follow

R

21,983 notes

[99pansy]

ss/mayo blogspot lore + frerard theory

hi I'm about to drop some insane lore that I don't think a lot of mcr fans/frerard theorists know about. this isn't discussed often so I figured I should write about it here before all the evidence is lost to time.

this is probably gonna be a long one so buckle in! i have gathered as much evidence here as possible but there's no way to be certain about anything. i'm trying to maintain as much journalistic integrity as i can throughout this post (also trying super hard not to insert my opinion too much) because i think a lot of this speaks for itself.

so i have a pretty significant frerard theory but i have to give a lot of backstory and documentation for it to fully make sense. this will not be in chronological order (to best suit the narrative) but i hope it makes sense

many people know about frank's F.T. Willz endeavors which have been proven as him in recent years. however, "ss" or "shitsubou shita" was another blog he had before this which is not widely known

around 2007, there was a major theory in the fandom that gerard and frank were running secret blogspot accounts where they'd post journals, poetry, etc. frank's account was iamthemodernprometheus.blogspot.com and gerard's supposed account was its-mayonaise.blogspot.com. both accounts are still up, though i'm not sure if any posts have since been deleted. this probably sounds crazy so i'll explain everything!

evidence for frank as SS/shitsubou-shita/iamthemodernprometheus

i strongly believe this was frank's personal blog, but you can come to your own conclusions based on this info

frank's supposed original blogspot handle was "shitsubou-shita." once fans realized this was his account, he deleted it pretty much immediately. you can read some fan discussion about the fall out from this in a comment thread here. this comment thread will be linked a few times in this post because most of the screenshots on this post originate from there.

apparently *frank* was posting some very personal thoughts/feelings on this blog that he did not want to be discovered. i'll go over some of the deleted posts in a minute, but first i need to give more a little more context.

at the same time the blog is found, someone comments "your fired" on a recent post. apparently some fans thought the comment looked strangely out of place, and it was one of the last comments left before the account's deletion, on one of the final posts made.

this will be relevant later on, and we'll get into the account's posts soon.

my theory is that someone on the "inside" could have found his personal blog and tried spooking him, which could have been the final straw for him. or, the account being deleted could be completely unrelated to the weird comment. all of this can be found here (same link i posted previously)

months after deleting their blog, shitsubou shita begins posting under a new url "iamthemodernprometheus" (but still under the pen name "shitsubou shita" or "ss" as fans called him)

in his new blog, and similarly to F.T. Willz years later, he still leaves plenty of crumbs for fans to figure out it's him. screenshot sources are below

latin heading: his page had a latin heading that when translated, reads "keep the faith"

bio on blogspot: "industry - chemicals", and "you dont stop playing cos you get old…you get old cos you stop playing" both sound suspiciously personal to frank

his url choice: "the modern prometheus" is the full title of mary shelley's frankenstein. frankenstein is a character that frank has always deeply resonated with due to his namesake, love of horror, and being born on halloween

spelling of wierd: SS and frank both spell "weird" as "wierd"

i think he enjoyed the mystery of having a secret online persona, which eventually led to the creation of F.T. Willz in 2008. it seems like wanted to leave just enough evidence for people to suspect it was him, but not enough to prove it.

here are some snippets of 2007 era discourse about the identity of "ss" and their deleted blog. you can find all of these comments and more context here. this was around the time gerard got married and fans felt like the dynamic on stage was different, and they were concerned about the future of the band. it's a LOT to go over so i would advise reading the comments if you want more perspective

on the next page, an anonymous comment is posted which fans immediately begin to speculate is SS (frank). again, if you click the link you can get way more context than i'm able to provide here.

this insinuates that SS frequented the comments on mayo's blog, which i don't think he would have done without believing/knowing mayo is gerard

there was a lot discussed in this thread including pretty solid evidence that frank/ss wrote the ancient and historic "eliza post"

if you are not aware of the eliza cuts drama, that's a totally different and equally as insane rabbit hole you'll have to research on your own

tldr; she is gerard's mentally unstable ex-fiance who he was engaged to very shortly before lindsey

gerard and eliza got engaged on may 22, 2007 (the last show of the black parade tour) according to this reddit comment.

the "eliza post" went up on june 4, 2007. here is the post in its entirety:

"Hi I felt I had to write to you guys to allay some of your fears regarding the rumours and speculation surrounding Gerard and Eliza and the future of the band. This is the only time I will ever post. I will not be able to respond to your comments or enter into discussion or debate on what I'm about to say. We are aware that this is one of the most popular message boards for MCR fans and we know you guys are the most dedicated and loyal fans in the world. It saddens me to see such division amongst the fans over one woman. If it's any consolation, you guys are not the only ones affected. She is merely tolerated by both band and crew. Believe me, nothing anyone can say will change his mind. She's been the cause of numerous conflicts and while we dont have to like it, we have to accept it, at least for the forseeable future. From day one this woman has had a hidden agenda - her manipulation knows no bounds. Some of you may find this difficult to believe but I assure you I have personally witnessed the two sides of this woman. Her so-called 'good deeds' are nothing more than PR exercises for his benefit. But he does not see what goes on behind closed doors. We have tried to draw his attention to her blatant self-promotion and diva demands. This is a prime example of love being blind. His feelings for her do run very deep. Her feelings for him, however, are questionable at best. Many people believe, including myself, that he is being used as nothing more than a stepping stone. It's disheartening to see someone you care about and have worked with for a very long time change as a person, becoming more detached and causing the group dynamic to change as a result. There have been conflicts and differences of opinions and compromises have had to be made She does not accompany the band on the European legs of the tour. Since being on this current European leg, he seems much happier which suggest she doesnt make him as happy as he thinks. Despite being asked more than once to remain discreet, she blatantly disregards his wish to keep his personal life private by continually fuelling the internet hype. The band has always been about the music and the fans. This will not change. MCR have never endorsed any type of clique as it encourages and promotes the kind of high school mentality that MCR have always fought against. Your continued support is appreciated and rest assured this woman will have no adverse affect on the band and the music. For obvious reasons I am remaining anonymous. Eliza, we know you trawl these message boards and you probably know who I am - but I'd like to see you try and prove it!!!"

it's clear that whoever wrote this had a very strong distaste for eliza and was deeply troubled by the idea of gerard marrying her. based on the language used and style of writing, i strongly believe frank wrote this post. i'll be circling back to this in a minute, because i have a little more to go over.

for more evidence that SS is frank, we can reference this reddit comment made just 9 months ago by someone heavily involved in the blogspot community at the time, kapunua. their username on this post is "ReallyKapu."

if you read through the comment links I provided earlier, you may see their name pop up. they are also mentioned by name on the "iamthemodernprometheus" blog. if you also search "kapunua mcr" on google, you can verify their involvement in the blogspot community at the time.

kapunua is also mentioned in its-mayonaise's post here (no screenshot provided for this one, its just a small mention)

there's also a screenshot of a different comment kapunua made about 9 years ago with similar information. i found the screenshot here.

evidence that "mayo" is gerard

as mentioned in the post above, mayo often used british english syntax in his posts. he also posted about some pretty juicy stuff including a blowjob poem (you can seek that out yourself)

using british english isn't out of the ordinary for gerard. he often used an accent on stage during this time. moreover, he is a writer who has written multiple characters with this type of accent, showing he has a certain appeciation for it. i think his persona for the "mayo" account could been a sort of character he put on to disguise his idenity.

if you decide to view mayo's blog, you'll see each post has nothing but comments from mcr fans exclusively. i find it very interesting that the writer of its-mayonaise never bothered to make a post saying "hey, btw, i'm not gerard" in the 4 years this blog was run for

we have somewhat less definitive evidence that gerard is mayo. however, it is clear that at the very least, they had to have been someone involved with MCR or their crew at the time.

mayo makes a post alluding to their identity here, which you can find in the first screenshot below. this section sounds a lot like something gerard would write:

"I have been asked to reveal myself to you. You all know me. I am whoever you want me to be, I am an artist, a poet, a singer, a motherfucker, and a contradiction, a mouthpiece, a friend, and an enemy, a brother, an informant, a whipping boy, a basket case, a queen, and a criminal...(credit to John Hughes.)"

there are THOUSANDS of comments, many of which speculate the identity of mayo on each of his blogspot posts. you should definitely do your own detective work and see what you think, because there is far too much info to go through here.

a frerard theory

as i previously mentioned, frank had deleted his original blog for shitsubou-shita in late september. however, prior to this, he made and then deleted some particularly turbulent and questionable posts

for context, the frerard fight happened on august 22, 2007, and gerard and lindsey got married on september 3, 2007 (just four months after gerard was engaged to eliza)

gerard and lindsey are married on the last night of the projekt revolution tour.

mcr takes a break for one month after this, where we can probably safely assume that freshly-married gerard and frank did not plan on seeing one another.

i think this was very troubling for frank for many different reasons. gerard had just freed himself of the eliza situation and here he was making the same mistake again. he was on the verge of losing his dearest friend yet again, and i believe that despite his best efforts, he could not get through to gerard.

obviously, gerard and lindsey are still married to this day. however, many fans might be aware of what happened between her and mikey. there's also a lot of other questionable information about lindsey circling the web, but that's a different story for another time.

weeks later, similarly to the eliza situation, shitsubou-shita makes and deletes the following posts on his original blog (this was prior to the creation of iamthemodernprometheus):

Friday, September 21, 2007 Abandon hope, all who enter here... What the fuck happened? Why didn't I see this coming? I made a point to keep out of it this time, but at what cost? I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place, it's a lose/lose situation. I've always been honest with you, shouldn't that work both ways? What's with the double standards? People are starting to notice. I'm not talking about kids, I'm talking about people in their mid 20's and 30's. People with life experience who can see the cracks starting to show. What am I supposed to say? I just dont have the answers. How can I reassure them when I need reassurance myself?

he says "i made a point to keep out of it this time" which seems like a reference to the situation with eliza i mentioned previously. he alludes to the idea that fans are beginning to notice the band's dynamic is not the same anymore. this was specifically around the time when "frerard" moments came to a pretty abrupt end.

he says "i've always been honest with you, shouldn't that work both ways?" which can be interpreted in a few different ways. he may feel deceived due to his best friend's sudden marriage. however, the intensity of the language used in this post shows he probably had some very intense feelings toward the situation.

it seems like the writer was having a considerably difficult time coping with these feelings. a day later, this post is made:

Saturday, September 22, 2007 Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Bullshit. I've always been a smart ass, even as a child, although my mom would prefer to use the term precocious. I've always had trouble keeping my mouth shut, I'm an open book, completely ingenuous - secrecy and circumvention are not my style. But then I've never experienced extreme paranoia. So I'm writing this blog. I know you will never read it, I wouldn't want you to. Not everything is about you. This blog is for ME, a perverse catharsis, I need this right now to preserve the small amount of sanity I have left. A blog fuelled by disappointment, frustration, confusion and dejection. I am not laying the blame at your door. The burden of blame is mine. I didn't speak up soon enough. I didn't want to rock the boat, I've been there before. I didn't want to fight or endure days of being given the silent treatment. Its not fair on the others. Why do you always make everyone feel like they have to take sides? If I had been a better friend, I would have stepped in regardless of the consequences. I acted selfishly because I didn't want to lose you, but ironically, I may have lost you anyway. I meant every word I said at the diner and although I didnt show it, your smirk and glib response hurt me more than you will ever know. I don't know who you are anymore. I cant seem to find the right words. Nothing I say seems to reach you. You are wrong. I DO care. I love you. I refuse to give up on you and I refuse to let you push me away. I am going to fight for our friendship, you aren't the only one with a stubborn streak. We are in this together, for the long haul, I promise. I want my friend back. I miss him.

it seems like whatever the writer is feeling toward the subject of this post goes beyond the boundaries of a typical friendship. the final paragraph says everything we need to know.

we can assume that based on this post's mention of meeting a diner, that frank and gerard likely met up during their month-long break to talk about the way things went down

lastly, i know there's at least one interview floating or blog post around where frank says he was a difficult teen and a pain in the ass as a kid, but i can't find it right now. if anyone has the link to that i would love to add it here, because i remember it sounding pretty similar to that first paragraph.

Sunday, September 23, 2007 Is the pen really mightier than the sword? And so you continue to blog, as do I. The difference is, I am not hurting anyone. I'm just trying to gain some perspective while you are publicly making a fool of yourself. Your words are hungrily devoured and dissected by the masses, you seem to revel in the chaos and controversy. At the moment your identity is pure speculation, but have you thought about the consequences if anyone was able to prove your identity? Not just for you, but for all of us? Have you lost your mind? How can you be so selfish? You have become a self obsessed megalomaniac. I know what I get out of writing my blogs - but what do you get out of writing yours? Do you even bother to read the comments? Some of those comments break my heart. These aren't just nameless, faceless strangers, these are real people with real lives and real feelings. These are the people that allowed us to bring our music into their lives. These are the people that we see on tour, the people that wait outside for hours in the cold and rain just to meet us, the people that write us letters and make us scrapbooks, the people who care enough to bake us cookies and brownies, the people that send us birthday cards and bizarre, crazy ass gifts, the people that have given us their love and support, the people that cheer us on, the people that made us. Why are you so hellbent on destroying not only yourself, but everyone who loves you? You wanna see how far down I can sink? Your mom called last night - and I lied to her. After everything she has done for us, I lied to her. How do you think that made me feel? Do you even care?

this last post, for me, solidifies the identities behind each blog. it is so clear through the details in this post. to me, it seems like frank was hurting so bad, and in such a vulnerable place, that he completely let his guard down and made this post.

the mcr lyric included "You wanna see how far down I can sink?" is undoubtedly mind-boggling and speaks volumes to how carelessly obvious frank was (maybe intentionally?) willing to be

there's so much to unpack in this post and i honestly can't even begin to wrap my head around it. i would love to hear anyone's opinion!

later in the post, it seems clear that he is referencing the iam-mayonaise blog and gerard's seemingly wreckless posting. but mostly, i think he was lashing out due to pain of betrayal after losing the closest person to him and someone he deeply loves not once, but twice.

again, it's hard to believe how obvious he was being here, but i really think it was a result of the pain/suffering he felt

if you scroll back up to the first screenshot of this post, you can circle back around to when he removed his entire profile after making this final post, eventually rebranding to "iamthemodernprometheus"

the its-mayonaise account makes this post on september 30, seemingly as a response. the title could apply to frank, who as we all know, was gerard's best friend and right-hand man. the rest of this post can be interpreted in many different ways, so you can make whatever you want out of it:

however, the last paragraph does give me pause... i would love to see/create a full analysis of this post, but i'm trying to stick to facts here so you can form your own judgement

after gerard's wedding and mcr's month long break, they play two shows in mexico (oct 4 & 7, 2007) and then the hoboken show takes place, where frank yells "lie to me" during i'm not okay and seems very low energy and unlike himself

i believe things gradually improved between them after this point, but i'm not sure if their connection was ever completely the same.

conclusion/my opinion

coupled with all of the other available evidence about gerard/frank's tumultuous friendship/relationship/situationship, i think this information strongly alludes to the idea that at the very least, frank had some very intense feelings for gerard that were not fully reciprocated. i would love to hear what anyone else's opinion is on this topic, because it definitely isn't discussed often

i think it's completely heartbreaking (especially with everything else we know) but i do think their incredible connection is a massive contributing factor to mcr's legacy

if you notice any inconsistencies in this post or have any questions, please send me a message! i want to keep this as consistent, comprehensible, and well-sourced as i can!

lastly please follow me if you liked this! i spent months researching and compiling sources for this post and i would so appreciate it <3

[mangocheesecakes]

the scammer @/rescueplease has now been deleted, but since a lot of people are still reblogging my posts about it, i'm changing my pinned post to a list of currently active scam accounts

scammers with the same m.o., sometimes similar profile pics and linktrees/paypal addresses:

> numberonegoateeeagle (paypal name 'Jeff Owino') new

> nour-samr (paypal name 'Nour Samar') >> nour-samr0 new/remake

scammer pretending to be a sick Black person, using the paypal name, 'Alafred Opondo'

> enchantingqueencreator

the 'insulin scammer''s latest blog (at least i think it's their latest blog:

> fancycoffeepeanut

empty blogs who are mass-reblogging the scam posts and are likely just the scammers sock puppet accounts used to pad the notes of their posts, pls block them too:

> chopra-79

> futuristicphilosopherartisan new

deleted/deactivated/changed url:

maina-3

immariaanszz >> iammarinassaa >> iammarinassaass

jovialsuitdonutai (paypal name 'jeff owino')

khalilhan (paypal name 'samuel obiya') >> khaliilhan

marylinfwaznassar (paypal name 'maryline lucy')

stickytreephilosopher (paypal name 'jeff owino')

perfectlyminiatureface (paypal name 'jeff owino')

optimisticalpacalady (paypal 'jeff owino')

omarkhalini (paypal 'fred odhiambo')

marylinefwaznassar (paypal 'maryline lucy')

khalilhani (paypal 'samuel obiya')

weepingpersondestiny (paypal 'jeff owino')

as always, please block and report these blogs, and more importantly, warn your friends, mutuals, and followers if you see them reblogging their scam posts. if you see a donation post/blog that you believe may be a scam, please do look their url up first on the tumblr search bar to see if someone has already called them out. i will try to update this post with the scammers' new accounts/url as we discover them. please also go to @kyra45's blog, as they are faster and more thorough in updating about newly discovered scams.

some red flags to look out for before sharing donation posts/donating:

new blog, or a couple years old but has only a few random, sporadic posts

backdated posts

spamming asks to a lot of other users, even the ones they don't know or have just followed, and even when the user has made it clear they don't want to receive requests to boost dono posts

is asking you to answer their asks privately, or is sending you a message directly

is straight up asking you for money, and usually for impossibly large amounts

do not put their paypal/money transfer links on their post itself, usually claiming it's to protect their 'privacy'

is using Zelle for their money transfer account, especially if the person is claiming to be in Palestine

please don't be so quick to entertain donation requests and to give away your money, especially if the user ticks a lot of these boxes. if you are familiar with the place they say they are from or the language they are supposed to speak, try conversing with them for a bit to see if their claims would hold. you can also browse my 'donation scam' tag or kyra45's blog to compare if the user has any similarities with past scammers that we've discovered.

that's it po. let's all try our best to look out for each other and make sure that our resources are going to the actual people in need, especially in the case of Palestinians asking for help. the last thing they need right now is for shitty lowlifes to use their suffering to make a profit.

[umaia3aurart]

Hi, there!

I'm UMA also as known Usacom in the past.

It has been a while since my last art post here. And I made a bit of a mistake by changing my Tumblr username without realizing that the URL would also change! Now I've lost the link to my previous blog. I really messed up! 🫨 I've just reblogged them now but should I repost them again? 😂😭

Anyway for today, I wanted to share my new KOBD fan art with you all!

Interestingly, I had a dream that they had their babies earlier this year. 💥💥

The babies look exactly like their parents but got the opposite eye color from each parent.

They looked so adorable and happy in my dream ☺️

[oediex]

Let's try to end up with a decent party. 🙏🥂🥳🎆

Please consider donating to and sharing the following fundraising campaigns of a few people with whom I have been in touch. Go follow their accounts, and reblog their posts in the future, so we can keep their campaign circulating.

-----------------------------------------------

@drdarine is fundraising for her family of seven. She is continuing her medical studies as much as she can under the current circumstances, while also using her knowledge to support the people around her. They have been fundraising since February and progress is very slow. You can find their fundraiser here. It was verified by @gazavetters, and is #15 on their spreadsheet. They are currently at $6,648/$30,000. Keep supporting them.

-----------------------------------------------

@elhamhamdan-gaza is also a young woman who is a university student. She is trying to survive with her mother and sisters in Khan Younis, in their old house which was burned down, but there is nowhere else to go. Elham's Tumblr account has been shadowbanned, which means she can no longer reach people here. She has moved her fundraising efforts to Bluesky, but we can keep her campaign alive here on Tumblr! She has been fundraising since October, and recently her campaign made some progress, but it's slowing down again. You can find their fundraiser here. It was verified by the Butterfly Effect Project (instagram), and is #118O on their spreadsheet. They are currently at £2,411/£50,000. Please don't let their campaign lose traction.

-----------------------------------------------

@rahafhelp is an account for Rahaf and her family. Rahaf is only 13 years old. She and her family are living in a tent, under the threat of gunshots and bombing. They are tired, cold, and hungry. Their campaign was created in November, and so far they haven't even reached 1K. You can find their fundraiser here. It has been shared by 90-ghost here. They are currently at $730/$50,000. Can we get them to 1K as soon as possible?

-----------------------------------------------

Lastly, @twogazans are a couple who refuse to give up hope. Hadeel and Abdelrahman dream of building a life together. They had built up their own company which was destroyed along with the rest of their belongings. Their campaign, which was verified by @gazavetters (#324), was taken down, and they had to start a new campaign. Their campaign link has not yet been adjusted on the spreadsheet, but if you look at their older posts, you will see their old campaign still linked, and that the URL matches the one on the spreadsheet. You can find their new campaign here. Only $80/$35,000 has been raised so far. One other way you can support Hadeel and Abdelrahman is to check out their YouTube channel, where they share their life in Gaza. I found that putting on the captions resulted in auto-translated English subtitles based on auto-generated Arabic captions. While not perfect, they are accurate enough to understand what they are saying. While some videos are simple depictions of their current life, cleaning their tent, making food, rearranging their possessions; others are educational and sobering, not shying away from the realities of war. I especially liked their video comparing prices in Gaza with those in the most expensive city in the world, as well as this informative video on the psychological and physical effects of war and trauma on those who live through them as well as their children and grandchildren.

Thank you all for reading, and please share this post!

Tagging for reach, please let me know if you do not wish to be tagged in the future

@commissions4aid-international @funds4gaza @a-shade-of-blue @kyra45-helping-others @c-u-c-koo-4-40k

@imjustheretotrytohelp @ankle-beez @comrademango @horseb0y @soft-sunbird

@fruitwoodmac @mukkie @broken-faucet-of-feelings @frazzledhare

@murderbot @teeethbrush @friskibitz @applebunch @catnapdreams

[applejongho]

hi jonghomies ❤️ it's with a weary heart that i'd like to announce that I'll be closing this account for gif making (not leaving completely, please read on 😅). I started gif making in 2021 and the support, love, community, and fun I've experienced since then has been totally unrivaled. But all good things come to an end, don't they? 🥲 I'll give you some reasons for this change as well as some other info.

why?

for a multitude of reasons, the main one being I'm not into ateez as much as I once was. I do love them a lot, but these past few months I've grown distant from them for no particular reason. That's just the ebb and flow of fandom, I guess. I don't have enough energy or spirit to maintain an entire fandom account for them like I once did. Another reason is that kpop in general has become more toxic (for me); having to delete twitter was really a wakeup call for realizing my feelings about the overall industry. A third smaller reason is that tumblr isn't rly what it used to be, especially in terms of gif makers. The community used to be so vibrant and fun. I know that me "retiring" won't help the situation but I alone can't "save" atinyblr nor should I have to "bear the weight" for the sake of keeping the giffing community alive.

what's next?

I don't plan on abandoning this account! I adore my mutuals and friends I've made along the way and I'd like to cherish them. I'll probably still even reblog ateez, honestly, but only when I want to. I'll likely just keep doing what I'm doing but the only difference is I'm detaching myself from the label of ateez gif maker and I'll redesign this account's look (pinned post, pfp, banner, url, etc) to be less ateez centered. Feel free to keep using my tracking tag for ateez content, though i my not rb it (just because idk how active i'll be).

will you ever gif for ateez again?

who knows! maybe a new cb will drag me back into the pits of hell (affectionate), but maybe not.

if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I know I didn't need to write a post for something like this, but I felt like I should've with all the genuine work and love I've poured into this community. Every interaction, ask, tag, whatever -- I appreciated all of them, and I truly adored being your apple lady. this isnt a goodbye, just a change of scenes. thanks for the memories and i love u all ❤️🫶

-- anne

[orbleglorb]

tumblr in the blaseball universe, part 11!

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10

credit to @wayslidecool for the last one

image descriptions: the first image is a thick black bar meant to separate posts. the second image is a thin gray bar meant to separate reblogs. they are used continuously throughout the post when appropriate. like right now

🌧 neerie-mccloud-tracker 🔁

💥 maximalistwgaragesbandtracker Follow

man i give up.

332 notes

☕️ eyesinthedark11 🔁

☕️ eyesinthedark11

hey guys my sister made a tumblr account but won't tell me the url because she thinks i'll torment her (she's right of course). if any of you happen to stumble across a psychonauts fan account run by someone named lucy please let me know

☕️ eyesinthedark11

wait fuck i forgot that lucy is the name of a very important and emotionally poignant character in the psychonauts universe. post cancelled half the trans girls in the fandom probably have that name

🏞 lucreciamuxtopus

Actually this is my personal blog. Fuck you

☕️ eyesinthedark11

bitch i have been with you since the womb i know u can't go longer than a minute without talking about razputin aquato

🏞 lucreciamuxtopus

They took his brain once

13 notes

🦞 marketplace-shellfish 🔁

🌉 just-sanfran-things Follow

Hey guys, really sorry about disappearing, I had a probably-Meatcute-adjacent emergency and then forgot my tumblr password and every time I tried to set up a new password it redirected me to their FAQ?? Anyway, I'm back! In my time gone I got engaged.

527 notes

🦆 peripheral-duck 🔁

🦆 peripheral-duck

dawg i hate being a lesbian in moab. i've dated all but two of the other sapphics here and one of them is nagomi nava

🌘 gogomi-gava Follow

ok and? doesnt mean im off limits

🦆 peripheral-duck 🔁

so was literally anyone going to tell me that nagomi nava has a tumblr account

639 notes

🌧 neerie-mccloud-tracker

Elsewhere

24 notes

🌺 bloom-goes-the-dynamite 🔁

🧫 BIGGRACK Follow

why does no one else eat the muffin wrapper? it's so much easier than pulling it off and it tastes fine. it doesn't interfere with the muffin taste at all and it has a good texture

🍂 caffeinepunk Follow

how did you get your username in all caps?

🌵 twistedsandwich Follow

really? that's the problem you have with this post?

86,592 notes

[smellslikebot]

"how do I keep my art from being scraped for AI from now on?"

if you post images online, there's no 100% guaranteed way to prevent this, and you can probably assume that there's no need to remove/edit existing content. you might contest this as a matter of data privacy and workers' rights, but you might also be looking for smaller, more immediate actions to take.

...so I made this list! I can't vouch for the effectiveness of all of these, but I wanted to compile as many options as possible so you can decide what's best for you.

Discouraging data scraping and "opting out"

robots.txt - This is a file placed in a website's home directory to "ask" web crawlers not to access certain parts of a site. If you have your own website, you can edit this yourself, or you can check which crawlers a site disallows by adding /robots.txt at the end of the URL. This article has instructions for blocking some bots that scrape data for AI.

HTML metadata - DeviantArt (i know) has proposed the "noai" and "noimageai" meta tags for opting images out of machine learning datasets, while Mojeek proposed "noml". To use all three, you'd put the following in your webpages' headers:

<meta name="robots" content="noai, noimageai, noml">

Have I Been Trained? - A tool by Spawning to search for images in the LAION-5B and LAION-400M datasets and opt your images and web domain out of future model training. Spawning claims that Stability AI and Hugging Face have agreed to respect these opt-outs. Try searching for usernames!

Kudurru - A tool by Spawning (currently a Wordpress plugin) in closed beta that purportedly blocks/redirects AI scrapers from your website. I don't know much about how this one works.

ai.txt - Similar to robots.txt. A new type of permissions file for AI training proposed by Spawning.

ArtShield Watermarker - Web-based tool to add Stable Diffusion's "invisible watermark" to images, which may cause an image to be recognized as AI-generated and excluded from data scraping and/or model training. Source available on GitHub. Doesn't seem to have updated/posted on social media since last year.

Image processing... things

these are popular now, but there seems to be some confusion regarding the goal of these tools; these aren't meant to "kill" AI art, and they won't affect existing models. they won't magically guarantee full protection, so you probably shouldn't loudly announce that you're using them to try to bait AI users into responding

Glaze - UChicago's tool to add "adversarial noise" to art to disrupt style mimicry. Devs recommend glazing pictures last. Runs on Windows and Mac (Nvidia GPU required)

WebGlaze - Free browser-based Glaze service for those who can't run Glaze locally. Request an invite by following their instructions.

Mist - Another adversarial noise tool, by Psyker Group. Runs on Windows and Linux (Nvidia GPU required) or on web with a Google Colab Notebook.

Nightshade - UChicago's tool to distort AI's recognition of features and "poison" datasets, with the goal of making it inconvenient to use images scraped without consent. The guide recommends that you do not disclose whether your art is nightshaded. Nightshade chooses a tag that's relevant to your image. You should use this word in the image's caption/alt text when you post the image online. This means the alt text will accurately describe what's in the image-- there is no reason to ever write false/mismatched alt text!!! Runs on Windows and Mac (Nvidia GPU required)

Sanative AI - Web-based "anti-AI watermark"-- maybe comparable to Glaze and Mist. I can't find much about this one except that they won a "Responsible AI Challenge" hosted by Mozilla last year.

Just Add A Regular Watermark - It doesn't take a lot of processing power to add a watermark, so why not? Try adding complexities like warping, changes in color/opacity, and blurring to make it more annoying for an AI (or human) to remove. You could even try testing your watermark against an AI watermark remover. (the privacy policy claims that they don't keep or otherwise use your images, but use your own judgment)

given that energy consumption was the focus of some AI art criticism, I'm not sure if the benefits of these GPU-intensive tools outweigh the cost, and I'd like to know more about that. in any case, I thought that people writing alt text/image descriptions more often would've been a neat side effect of Nightshade being used, so I hope to see more of that in the future, at least!

[meimeimeirin]

still on tumblr break, but since i just logged in and saw several asks, i thought i'd clarify a few things here.

regarding me and @/zhongrin

in summary:

zhongrin is privated and archived permanently.

for the two people who asked, yeah, i'm alright.

more utc, but you can skip.

to expand more on the 'sudden' archiving/privating:

i've been debating to archive the blog since last year. to tell the truth, the new theme that appeared in zhongrin since september last year was actually the theme of a new writing sideblog i made. honestly, i had contemplated archiving it since july ー and i've lost count over how many times i created a 'blog archived' post only to delete it, over and over again. i just held on like an idiot and kept telling myself to just post and dip out.

don't look at the activity bar, it's just going to be full of likes. don't look at the notes, i'll just be full of more empty likes. don't look at the reblogs, it won't have any feedback anyway. don't look into your inbox, you won't find any feedback whatsoever anyway. don't look at your dash, lest you'll see other people getting interactions and start wondering if you're the weirdo for not getting any. don't look. don't look. don't look.

i'm just so tired of being disappointed.

it's like writing out a play and 10k people reserved seats to your free performance, yet all you see are thousands of absent seats. all you receive are silent smiles. a few applauses. and less than ten people commenting on the play, most of which are your own friends.

every time i post, i start questioning why did i even bother sharing this. or if i'm even actually good enough at writing. or if that comment was just there out of pity. or if i should have used the time i spent writing, proofreading, and editing to do something else. something that would have brought more joy. something that would result in more than a few strung words on a digital screen that no one thinks is worth sharing.

every time i post, it just feels like i just did something meaningless. every time i do events or bring my ocs to the spotlight, every time i'm having so much fun, people leave and it gets even more silent. my thoughts? my expectations? my joy? my sadness? meaningless. they're all meaningless to these ten thousand people.

why should i keep sharing and doing something that feels meaningless and hopeless?

so i stopped caring and archived. that's all there is to it.

i do have that new writing blog set up. way back since last year. because as much as i loathe the silence, i still love writing. sometimes.

as of today, that blog is still devoid of original posts. i don't know when or if i'll feel comfortable posting my own 'content' again. or maybe i never will. who knows. but if i do, this time, i'm setting things up so i can just be the 'content creator' that readers expect me to be and distance myself from everything.

call me childish. call me jaded. call me a bitch. i don't care. i don't want to try connecting with my readers anymore because tumblr as a community has stopped being a system that can do this. i'm just going to give myself the option of making content and dipping out whenever i want. i'm going to spend my energy having fun with my friends who does care - on a separate, more controlled environment altogether.

this will still be my main since i don't want to bother setting up a new account and re-following people again. but i won't be active here. i foresee i'll be more 'present' in my private blog. for those who does have the url ー please keep it a secret. thanks.

bye, zhongrin. it started out fun. it's a shame it ended on a bitter note. i truly wish it hadn't turned out this way.

signing off once again, meirin.

[poisonedspider]

Still got a few hours till the New Year over here, but figured I'd post it now - especially since half my friends are already in bed.

I'm really bad at sappy posts like this (ironically considering I make these posts randomly all the time). I mostly feel like there isn't something I can say that I haven't already. I'm not going to list a bunch of names or else I'd be here all night, but if you're reading this, just know that you matter.

I never thought we'd be here when I made this blog back in April, and if I'm being honest? I'm disappointed it took me that long. As most of you know, I had an Angel blog back in 2019, but mostly saw other Angels and Alastors so I gave up fairly quickly. In February, on my other blog, I was like....should I make an Angel blog? Is it going to be the same, even though Hazbin is big now? Will I delete it in a month like I do all my new blogs?

And I'm so glad that I didn't. This year has been, no joke, the best year of my life in any fandom. I've had severe roleplay trauma (some of you were there with me haaaa), so I get a lot of emotions. I break down a lot. I admittedly have panic attacks when I see people have blocked me without me knowing the reason (hey, I'm working on that). In a fandom like HelluvaHazbin, it can be challenging to not be worried. After all....there's a lot of dark topics...which could mean a lot of purity culture coming on the attack.

But I have never seen that here. Maybe it's because we are all some levels of fucked up, but this has been the healthiest and most supportive fandom I've ever seen. People let people do their extreme shit and move along, and that is...so refreshing? It's actually a safe place to explore. To write without being monitored. With the direction the world is going in a lot of ways, I never thought I'd find that.

I have never felt as strongly connected to a fandom to consider you all my found family. Guess it's kind of like how Angel felt when he first came to the hotel. Like sure, why not, let's try this out. To suddenly being all in, completely deep, loving every single one of you. Being vulnerable with all of you. Wanting to protect all of you at all costs.

I have 446 of you, and I don't know all of you on a personal level, but that doesn't mean I don't see you. That I don't admire you. That I don't want to be writing with you (please don't be strangers!) Every single one of you brings something to the table, and I love that. This is also the first time I have not been terrified by duplicates (well....mostly...it's a slow and steady race). Because every person's portrayal is so different and unique? Like?

To all of you that I write with, you have changed my life more than you know. The amount of times I'll be talking to my irl friends and be like "blah blah *drops a url* blah blah" or "Oh my gosh my Husk said this, my Pentious said this" and they're like...Strode is un poco loco but oh well. I have never felt happier than I do creating storylines with all of you. Exploring all different elements of these characters and their relationships.

I know I can be a lot. I know sometimes I spiral and post endlessly OOC, but that's because I feel safe here. And that's because you all have allowed this to be a safe space. I know I horny post consistently but - it's Angel, you know? And I don't have to worry about getting anon hate because of it. I can do what I want to, how I want to, and have nothing but cheerleaders. And that's so amazing. To feel safe out of character too is something I haven't had since the early days of roleplay when I used MSN Messenger (yes, I'm OLD).

So thank you. Every single one of you. I can't wait to make more with you in 2025. To continue these stories. For years to come, ideally, since we'll be waiting that fucking long for all these officially announced seasons - ha! I'm not going anywhere. And I know you all come and go, people delete blogs or switch fandoms or lose the hyperfixations, but whether you're here for a month or ten years, just know that you are loved. You are special. And I hope that 2025 brings you all the grace, peace, comfort, and joy that you deserve.

Thanks from me and one incredibly slutty spider. xoxo

[eowynstwin]

I've come to the last thing I'd like to talk about, and unlike the rest it's something I've already made progress working through. I want to try keep this subject brief, because 1) it's taken a LOT out of me to get through all this and 2) even so, it's helped, and I'm ready to move on. I just don't want to leave anything important to me unaddressed.

So, I mentioned that when I returned to this blog, it felt like everyone had moved on from the Myka issue. I didn't see the same kind of support when I came back as I did when I left—and maybe it seems presumptive of me, but I had been expecting it. There was precedent, after all.

And I'll be honest—it took pretty much all the wind out of my sails. It kind of felt like it didn't matter if I was here or not—like, outside of the Myka issue, I hadn't actually made enough of an impression on anyone, with my own work or my support for others', for them to really care if I came back. Which, considering how many people were there for me when I left, I believed I had. That belief felt pretty misplaced after that. And to put it mildly, that did not feel good.

At the same time—and I've already talked about this in the past, so I don't want to retread old ground too much—I noticed a drop in engagement with the new work I posted. I understand now that that involved a lot of factors—my long absence, the change in my url, general fandom trends—but because it happened around the same time as my return, it compounded that feeling of my irrelevance.

So as I’ve been writing this whole time, and posting, I’ve lived with this undercurrent of god I hope this is good enough for them to care about me again. I felt like I had never actually been good enough for anyone to think of me outside of the Myka incident. I couldn't enjoy my own work without thinking none of this was ever good enough. I got to the point where I couldn't enjoy other people's work without thinking everyone likes them, but they don't like me.

Now, obviously this is unhealthy. It's also patently untrue, as demonstrated by the support I and my work have been given in the months following my return.

A part of me kind of cringes to discuss this at all, because it feels unfair to the people who've offered that support—I don't want anyone to feel like I haven't appreciated it, because I have. But I lay all this out to lead to the conclusion I've come to, which I want to share, because it feels like the gateway into finally leaving Myka, and all of these things I've been feeling, behind for good.

I've talked to friends since then, gotten context, and I've evaluated my tenure as a whole in this community in effort to understand.

The thing at the core of this issue is that my confidence was shaken. Both by the incident itself, and everything that followed it.

While it was happening, I was under a microscope, and found inadequate. I couldn't talk about it, because that would only make things worse for me. When I came back, I felt like I was still under the microscope, and I still couldn't talk about it—and in addition, it seemed like I had earn my place here again.

Feeling like that has made it really, really hard to enjoy being here. But I know that feeling isn't entirely rational. And if I don't want to feel that way anymore, I have to let myself say the things I need to say and make the things I want to make, and I have to let myself enjoy doing it.

I want to be here. Despite everything, I still belong here, even if I don't feel like I do. I've been so afraid to talk about Myka all this time, really, because I didn't think any of you wanted to hear about it. I thought it would drive you away.

But I've talked about it now. And you've all listened. So that means I'm allowed feel confident about everything else.

Thank you.

[blondiest]

HELLO! this is the first supposedly-annual nealloblondiest "mello isn't dead" bonanza, and this rec list is my main contribution. i have not made a rec list before, and i'm sure this isn't anywhere near comprehensive, but while compiling this, i found several new-to-me fics that i loved and am excited to include! the criteria for this list are mello/near fanfictions that are set after the end of the kira case in which mello survives or comes back from the dead. i'm not listing out the tags for these fics, since i trust everyone can check that for themselves and make judgments accordingly :-)

i will be including one (1) fic of my own here, but you can also find a list of all the fics i have which fall into this category over here <3

meronia authors: if you have a fic that fits this criteria, please feel so incredibly free to reblog and add a link to it [and i will in turn reblog your version so we can all see more fics!!] i am tagging the authors whose tumblr URLs i know, but i very well may miss someone; feel free to tag them in the replies if you think they would like to see it!

without further ado, the list is below the cut!! ^_^

heaven is a place on earth with you by @neallo

rating: E | category: M/M | chapters: 1/1 | words: 1.4k

There is no blood or body of Christ, no priest and no pews, but it’s here and now that Mello finally rediscovers a long-lost sliver of faith. Hands on Near’s hips, Mello lowers his face and presses his mouth to Near’s soft abdomen. “I love you,” he murmurs, head bowed and eyes shut as if in prayer.

getting mine out of the way at the start here :-) this is a sequel to my only one, my smoking gun but can very easily be read as a standalone.

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Impulse by @empressofthewind

rating: M | category: M/M | chapters: 1/1 | words: 2.5k

In the span of a few weeks, Mello and Near’s rendezvous had quickly become a regular part of Near’s work day; Mello would suggest a time and place, and Near would always agree. Near was perfectly content with the arrangement, as long as his employees didn’t find out.

a sexy little post-kira workplace-romance oneshot in which mello helps near out with a case. and also gives him many hickeys ^_^ <3 the kissing scene in this makes me chewing-off-my-hands insane (highly positive)

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orchid by anonymous

rating: M | category: multi | chapters: 1/1 | words: 269

mello wonders about what he's gotten himself into, sometimes.

very sweet, very short smutty ot4 fic (mello x matt, mello x near, mello x linda, with an implication that all four are dating each other).

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reflection by @squidish

rating: E | category: M/M | chapters: 1/1 | words: 2.7k

Their bedroom door was open and the bed faced it. When Near closed the door, Mello raised an eyebrow. Just the one. There was a mirror on the back of the door that hadn’t been there yesterday. It was vertical, rectangular, with a simple black frame. Near looked at him with an expression so blank it could have meant literally anything.  “You don’t have to,” he said, beginning to twirl his long hair, “but I’d like it if you watched.”

very intimate & adoring, yet still filthy [<- very positive] smut <3 ray imo excels beautifully at established relationship fics & captures a delicate dynamic that i'm very fond of.

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Arsonist's Lullabye by TzviaAriella

rating: T | category: M/M | chapters: 1/1 | words: 3.3k

Two years after the end of the Kira case, Near and Mello pay a visit to L's grave.

i love the dynamic in this one very much; it's very contentious / antagonistic (esp at the start) but not without tenderness underneath :')

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ringing... by @madmeridian

rating: T | category: M/M | chapters: 1/1 | words: 1.8k

Near receives a phone call and reflects a bit on his past.

mello and near get in touch over the phone after the end of the kira case; great dynamic here. it's a cute and charming story but without feeling de-fanged; their dialogue still has teeth to it :D

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august underground by @brothercrush and @firebuggg

rating: E | category: M/M | chapters: 2/15 | words: 10.5k

Hell spits them out on a little Greek island.

was not going to include in-progress fics on this list, but had to make an exception. slowburn alternating POV story in which near drags mello out of hell. beautiful prose & a complex, compelling dynamic <3

[until-dong]

What’s up, party people!! It’s been a billion years!! I’m not back to make this blog active, exactly, but I just wanted to say that even after all this time I still love this game and the remake has me hype for it all over again!! I don’t have the time to make gifs like I used to, and I’m mainly active on Twitter these days, but I am playing the remake and loving the additions so far. I’ve only had time to play a couple chapters tonight, but I really enjoyed the changes they made to the prologue. Beth and Hannah moving Josh to the sofa is such a cute addition 🥺

It’s wild to think it’s been almost ten years, and I was still in college when this game came out. I’m such a different person, and yet not different at all. If anyone remembers me from my days being active on here, I had a friend in the fandom who’s url was skilfulwolfman (also, lol at supermassive changing the trophy title to skillful instead of skilful for the remake). We’re besties irl, known each other since highschool, and we’re married now! Life’s crazy like that, huh?

Anyways, I might make little posts about the game as we play through it, just to talk about the differences and whatnot. I’m super excited that there’s a new ending, and I’m sure you all know exactly what I want from it, right? Here’s hoping I can get it my first time through, and it finally gives our boy Josh the ending he deserves! 🤙

[fereldanwench]

I think I'm just about done with my impromptu blog clean-up! I'm still sorting some tagging systems out, but I've got the fandom and personal stuff squared away at the very least, which was where I really wanted a little refresh.

For those who are also organizational enthusiasts, these are a few of the tools and methods I used to make it a little easier to sort through over 25,000 posts accumulated over about 8 years. One major caveat is that most of these have to be used on a PC browser.

Tumblr Tools

Your Tumblr Mass Post Editor This is Tumblr's native mass post editor; the link is on the right-hand sidebar on your blog page (right under settings). It's very limited without any extensions, but you can do some batch actions like deleting a ton of posts or changing tags.

Your Tumblr Blog Archive This looks very similar to the post editor, but you can actually narrow down the posts by tag, which is super helpful. You can access this by going to your blog.tumblr.com/archive (e.g. fereldanwench.tumblr.com) but you must have custom themes enabled to view it (you can find that under your blog settings).

Tumblr Secret URLs Okay, they're not that secret, but they aren't readily accessible anywhere either and you have to manually enter them. There's a list here with the most helpful ones.

External Tools

Tumblr Tag List Generator This web tool will let you generate a list of the tags it can find on your blog. It's not 100% accurate--The "tags to exclude" option never seems to work for me, and it does miss stuff--But I love using this to find posts with random tags or tagged with a typo.

Tag Replacer There are a few different tag-replacing tools out there, but I like this one a lot because it'll let you play with different combinations of tags to delete, replace, or amend. For instance, I wanted to separate my community OC tags from just "other's ocs" and organize them by fandom: with this tool, I was able to search for posts that had both "g: cyberpunk 2077" and "other's ocs" and then I could replace those tags with "g: cyberpunk 2077" and "ocs: cyberpunk 2077" without replacing all the posts that also had "other's ocs."

Xkit Rewritten & New Xkit Browser Extensions These are increasingly less reliable without regular updates, and you can't even get New Xkit on some browsers right now because it's been flagged as a security risk (so obviously, use it with caution). Xkit Rewritten has a mass private tool for posts, and New Xkit adds a tag search in the native mass post editor--It's pretty glitchy and limited, but it helps.

And I'm just gonna drop some deets under the cut about my housekeeping because it's interesting to me:

I made this blog in March 2016; it was my 3rd or 4th account remake since first joining Tumblr in 2010.

(Tangent: 2 of my remakes in 2013 and 2015 were actually because I didn't like having as many followers as I had, lmao. This account has well surpassed those numbers, but Tumblr doesn't have as many active users as it used to, so it doesn't feel as daunting.)

I did not record the exact number of posts I had before I started purging, but it was around 25,000.

It's now down to 16,947!

Most of the stuff I deleted were TV and movie gifsets and non-fandom artwork, but I also purged a lot of fandom posts that no longer sparked joy. I did get a little overwhelmed for some months because there were so many posts and I know I probably removed stuff I would have preferred to keep.

Although seeing some stuff brought on Bad Feels, I also got a huge surge of inspiration diving through my archive, which is great, because that's exactly what I want out of my space.

Cyberpunk OCs absolutely dominated my OC tag--I ended with about 2700 posts for other folks' CP77 OCs. Dragon Age was next with about 800 posts.

One thing I would like to be more conscious of is minimizing reblogging art from "curator" blogs and finding more artists who are actively posting on Tumblr to support. I don't mind the curation blogs as long as they're sourcing the artist, but I'd just rather give love to the folks who are actually here.

My quietest year was 2019, likely due to a combination of a lot of people leaving after the great tiddy purge and getting more into Twitch and by extension Twitter.

April 2019 was my quietest month, which had 3 posts!!!! 3 posts!!! I post like 4x that amount in a day, lmao.

The Outer Worlds coming out at the end of 2019 brought me out of my semi-hiatus.

Not sure exactly what was my most active year/month, but I'd guess either 2022 or 2023. I do vaguely remember going from about 8000 posts in the middle of 2021 to feeling like that practically doubled by 2022. Cyberpunk really got me using this space again (to the point of my own mental and emotional detriment in some cases, but I got better, lmao).