#neurodivergence (at least me (that's my working theory))

[emborgor]

Humans and Socialization

Alien: "So... humans are a social species, right?"

Human: "Yes, why?"

A: "I'm getting there. You also require face-to-face interaction with other intelligent beings or your brain starts to get angry? At you? No, not angry. My apologies, I do not know the correct word."

H: "No worries, you're looking for lonely. That is also correct. It effects our bodies as well."

A: "But also for some of you interaction causes you to require hours or days to recover your energy?"

H: "Oh. Yes."

A: "That makes no sense???"

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

[nonokoko13]

SPOILERS SXF CHAPTER 93 ❗❗❗

So, chapter 93. Starting with Anya scores...

THAT'S MY GIRL!!!! CONGRATULATIONS BABY!!! 🎉🎊🥳

(Let's take a moment to appreciate what a good and supportive friend Becky is too 💖)

As I expected Anya passed classical language (with a huge improvement!) but in the large, tedious walk on Hell that is school not everyone can get exceptional grades in every subject unless you're a Desmond apparently and Anya, as many people who preceded her and will come after her, failed math.

I have seen many people make theories about how certain older student who we shall discuss next could be her tutor. However, my theory is that she will receive help from Bill in the future

It makes more sense: both already know each other, Anya has more chances of Bill accepting or suggesting to help her than the-one-I-shall-name-later and overall Bill seems more communicative and better at socialising and explaining himself. Let's not forget he received a stella in math after all. So for me Bill seems like the most plausible option (maybe we will get jealous Damian with this friendship?)

Back at the Forgers residence the Authens pay a visit to congratulate Anya as well. When I read Sigmund's sentence about how rewarding is to have a payment for your hard work my mind automatically thought "But sometimes no matter how hard you try you don't get a reward. Sometimes the result is just not worth the effort" (I think many people has a canon event that reveals them that, specially when you're in highschool, middle school or college)

And right after thinking that he agreed with me lol. My mind really anticipates things before finishing a panel

Speaking of hard work and grades, I'm taking this chance to give my opinion: a system based on giving stars to those who have the highest grades while those who fail face the possibility of being expelled is awful. Not getting a star and comparing yourself to your peers already make horrors to your self esteem, imagine a child getting expelled for repeatedly fail a exam that may not be adapted to their needs (or getting many tonitrus for things your teachers disapprove of you but you didn't know it was wrong or for something about yourself you cannot control. For example a kid with ADHD unintentionally interrupting someone, disconnecting in the middle of a conversation or making noise with their leg when they stay still for too long. No need to go as far as talking about neurodivergent kids, look at that chapter where Anya got a tonitrus for not having a handkerchief. Who the fuck is punished for that when you're an adult anyway)

Enough of that, back to the chapter. Let's talk about what hyped me the most: Demetrius finally appearing on screen!

We already had crumbs of him before. Given Damian inferiority complex when comparing himself to him when he had talked about school and Twilight noticing his exams barely had any mistakes back in the chapter where Daybreak was welcomed to this world, him being a exceptional student when it comes to academics isn't surprising in the least.

Many say he's ugly and exactly like his father but I disagree. Donovan looks like a goddamn Frankenstein if Frankenstein was ugly, Demetrius take after his dead eyes look but he's pretty like Melinda. Not conventionally pretty like Damian or Melinda but kinda pretty. Like a zombie with sleep deprivation but in an endearing way. It's not his fault he's built like a Tim Burton or Don't Starve Together character... anyway I'm sure his appearance can grow up on you, hopefully (;´ ▾ `)

About the theories regarding this panel

It may be true something's going on, maybe he was really experimented on... But I can't stop thinking he was in that very moment "No thoughts, head empty" mode

I mean, he looks like a walking corpse in dire need of a proper nap, can you blame him if his thoughts are mainly focused on studies when Donovan probably spent time with him only for the sake of producing a good grades, not independent thinking machine as his heir? "He watch him study all the time."

I don't think it was necessary for a tragic incident to change Donovan and made him distant from his family. I suspect he has always been like that, perhaps even before having Demetrius, so it was less a traumatic big event and more the exhausting everyday life Demetrius has been having as far as he remembers of being supervised by his father in order to be the best at school and everything that turned him into the probably burnt out teenager he is.

Same with Melinda, being married to somebody you might not have even loved when you first got together, a man who doesn't try to understand others or seem capable of caring for anyone, a man who is not precisely publicly known for his kindness (remember Millie and Yor's boss when Donovan was brought up?)... Being married to that kind of person for years and then having kids with that person and have to keep being related to them for at least until your kids graduate sound like a miserable life indeed

The Desmond have a common theme going around that is understanding the world around them, or rather the lack of it. I can say for sure that Demetrius feeling overwhelmed simply with a bunch of kids and thinking he can't understand people have its roots in Donovan

• For Donovan is his narrow minded belief that nobody can't understand — therefore neither trust — each other because people is different; and as long as that phrase of "two people can't think the same" lives to the reality it finds itself in reaching a common ground is impossible.

• Donovan influenced Demetrius. Perhaps Demetrius doesn't share his father belief and that's not why he can't understand others, maybe it is because he was possibly deprived of a normal childhood where he could socialise with others of his age without his father expectations onto him.

Many academic gifted children reach a part of their lives where their habit is to think inside the box of "Good grades is all I'm good at or all I should care about; good grades = doing fine; it's all about what you can prove to those who expect something from you, not what you can prove to yourself to make you feel satisfied and happy".

When people who raised you condition you to act, live and think the way they wanted you to do is difficult to break and separate yourself from that. Plus he's going through the middle school phase, from personal experience that makes you x10 times angsty and complicated to understand yourself, much less everyone else.

• With Damian it is less discussed and pointed out because he's been able to have a relatively normal —if anything very neglected — childhood up to this point. He has friends, he acts like a kid of his age, his life doesn't revolve around his grades all the time... But that's the bare minimum of what a good childhood should be like.

It may be because of his age, but he doesn't see the bigger picture of his family. He can't see what is wrong with them (yet) because in his eyes nothing is wrong. Sure, he feels lonely and works hard for his dad to notice him, but that happens in many families right? He's not even in denial, he doesn't phantom the idea that what his family is, how they behave towards each other or towards him, isn't normal.

Don't make me start with how his future plans is following Donovan's footsteps in politics because he's trying that hard to approach him. He works hard at school because in his mind being like Demetrius or how he believes Donovan wants him to be would bring them closer, receive an understanding relationship from his dad when we know there might not be genuine affection between them from Donovan's side to start with.

He's teaching himself that love is conditioned by your "worth" or by whether you get to the expectations your loved ones have. That reminds me of what Sigmund told Anya because it sounds like a foretelling of Damian's life: [...] And one day you'll experience the frustration of realizing that hard work is not always rewarded. He doesn't many things and his age may explain it but it doesn't justify, if he continues thinking like that he'll have his hopes crushed and may turn out like Demetrius.

• As for Melinda, is difficult to talk about the point she stands in the understanding theme. Unlike her family she does seem able to understand people, perhaps because she wasn't raised like her kids have been. She's aware that her husband party made a lot of damage to their country, she seems aware and attentive to what surrounds her.

I don't think she cannot be understanding or perceptive, I think it's the other way around: the people she's surrounded by cannot understand her. Neither Yor, Anya, Damian, surely Demetrius and Donovan neither, her "friends" of the association she's in... Not even us can't understand the reason why she's so conflictive about Damian yet.

In just one appearance Donovan made his belief clear, thus giving us an idea of what type of feelings he has towards Damian. We can get so much of his character as a person with one chapter, but Melinda has appeared more than him and her true self is unknown. Donovan is reserved in a physical way, he isolates himself by not going outside and socialising, but he's not against the idea of explaining a stranger his stance in life. Melinda surrounds herself of people and listens to them but she keeps to herself.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to see more of Demetrius and the Desmonds. Hope we get more screen time of them, unless Endo has decided to drop such episode only to give us a one-shot chapter next and not elaborate further before introducing a complete different arc 💦

Although with what we have I'm already bought and entertained enough. Our favorite family is great but hooray for secondary characters being given depth and spotlight in this manga 🥳

See you next chapter reaction! If I made another one after other 25 full moons. I'm probably forgetting to talk about something...Oh well

[rustbeltjessie]

To what purpose, April, do you return again? (or: finally, a pinned post for April)

Hi all. I'm Jessie Lynn McMains, aka Rust Belt Jessie. I'm an Xennial/Elder Millenial (please don't call me a Geriatric Millenial, thank you) writer/artist/zine-maker/etc. (I wear many hats.) I'm queer and nonbinary/genderfluid, and as far as pronouns go, I’m okay with any human pronoun (they and she are my most-used, but I like he, too, and I especially like it when people switch up the pronouns they use for me). I’m disabled and neurodivergent.

I live with my partner and our two kiddos, both of whom are also neurodivergent, and right now I’m supporting all of us on whatever money I earn. I do freelance copywriting and editing as my main thing, but I also make a decent chunk of my income from selling my zines and books and pins and whatever else I make, so the more I sell, the better able I am to pay bills and take care of my family.

Through my Ko-fi, you can buy my zines and books (I have both poetry and prose available) and pins, as well as commission me to make you a music-inspired mini-collage or hire me to edit your own writing. Or also just throw me a few bucks if you appreciate the content I make available for free.

If you live outside the US (I can only ship within the US via Ko-fi, because setting up shipping for multiple countries is a pain the butt), or just prefer to purchase something or donate via a different platform, I also have PayPal and Venmo (@ JessieLynnMcMains).

I also have a Substack newsletter. I try to send something out at least once a month. Sometimes it's a longer piece about music and nostalgia (I recently started a series called These Fucking Songs, for just that purpose), sometimes it's just updates on what I'm up to, sometimes it's something else. I'm currently working on one about poetry, and my writing process, and revision.

As if that weren't enough, this month I'm doing a 30/30 on the Tupelo Press site, which not only means I have to write a poem every day to be posted the next day, but I am also fundraising for Tupelo Press. My goal is to raise $350 by the end of the month. You can follow along with my daily poems here (the newest is always at the top; scroll down to read previous days), and the fundraising page is here. (I'm also offering some cool incentives for people who donate; more info about all that is available on the fundraising page.)

I'm pro-trans, pro-vaccine, pro-sex worker, pro-abortion, pro-Black Lives Matter. I'm for harm reduction for any drug user or addict, meaning I want them to be able to use drugs as safely as possible, rather than forcing them into rehab or incarcerating them. I'm anti-censorship and anti-fascist. I believe everyone, everyone, should have a safe place to sleep and enough to eat without having to earn it. I consider myself an anarcho-socialist, basically, but I do vote. I'm telling you all that because if you are vehemently against any of those things, we'll probably not get along.

I'm a forever-goth/punk who loves all kinds of music. (Things on heavy rotation for me as I write this are: The Replacements, Einstürzende Neubauten, and Oliver Nelson.) I'm femme but I'm a disaster femme; when I use nailpolish it's always sloppy and/or chipped, when I wear eyeliner it's always crooked and/or smeared, and I am incapable of not ripping a hole or two in every pair of tights and stockings I own. I love art and film and theater and literature and music. I'm a Shakespeare stan, I love growing my own vegetables, I collect souvenir pennies and stick and poke tattoos. I'm always a slut in theory, even when not always in practice. I'm perpetually nostalgic, melancholy, and restless. I spend all my free time posting pictures of myself on the internet and trying to prove I'm punk to anyone that'll listen.

Want more Jessie content? There's my website (still under construction, but it exists). Or you could try searching the my writing, my art, Jessie Lynn McMains, or Rust Belt Jessie tags on this blog. I also have a side blog, where I tend to post more frequently than I do on this blog. If you ask nice, I'll probably give you the URL.

On that note, my DMs and asks are open, and, as of right now, anon is on.

I think that's it! As always, whether you can send any $$ my way (or to my fundraiser) currently or not, keeping this post circulating helps. Thanks much. 🖤

[humbledragon669]

S2E1 - The Arrival Write Up P3 - the Present Day from the introduction of Maggie and Nina up to The Box

Alright, I’ve already written two whole blogs on this episode and I haven’t even gotten through the first 15 minutes of it so let’s jump straight in with Nina’s opening line:

NINA: See anything you fancy?

I mean, if that’s not a blatant display of foreshadowing, I don’t know what else you need. And given Maggie’s rather shy disposition, I have to say I think she handles it pretty well. Goodness knows what must be going through her head. Actually, I think I know exactly what’s going through her head:

I think she pulls it off. Just. What I find interesting about Nina’s response is that she simultaneously manages to flatter Maggie by remembering her order and highlight that she’s completely distanced from her by referring to her as the drink she orders.

NINA: You’re a skinny latte.

I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather the love of my life call me by my name, rather than by the coffee I order. Maggie doesn’t seem to care though, she’s just delighted that Nina remembers anything about her:

That delight lasts all of a few seconds before Nina manages to give her another label that she’s probably not looking for – that of “a regular”. It’s a little painful to see the joy on Maggie’s face dissolve into disappointment as she realises that the reason her coffee order has been recalled is more to do with the frequency of her attendance in the coffee shop than the object of her desires actually paying her any attention.

Now I don’t know about you, but I had already formed an opinion about Nina by this point in the show, and that opinion is that she’s not very nice. Here’s the line that did it for me:

NINA: You work in the record shop don’t you? Don’t know who actually buys records in this day and age.

I mean, really? The owner of a boutique record shop, one of your customers, someone you barely know, has come to support your own local business, and you repay their loyalty by undermining their career choice? At the very least, I’d call that rude. There are a couple of extenuating circumstances around this that I would like to look at, and they are pretty starkly contrasting – let’s start with the bad vibes first.

I have seen it said before that female characters in the creator’s work are grossly subject to sexist bias. I can fully understand that stance – if we look at the female characters in the original Good Omens novel, we can see that women are characterised as inherently “bad” (the nuns), stupid (Madame Tracy was explicitly described as such), or overly sexualised (the physical appearances of both Anathema and War are regularly described with regards to their attractiveness). If that’s true, we can see those characterisations continuing here – Nina is the “bad” character, Maggie the “stupid” one (not my personal opinion!). This all makes me very uncomfortable.

The good vibes scenario is to do with positive representation of neurodivergence. We know that both characters are based on the real-life personalities of the actors playing them; it’s largely why they both kept their own names. We also know that Maggie Service herself is neurodivergent, which her social awkwardness could potentially be attributed to. What if Nina (the character, I make no claims about Nina Sosanya) is also neurodivergent? That might explain her bluntness in this particular situation – she’s just saying what she’s thinking after all. Given that that the author himself has confirmed that both Crowley and Aziraphale show neurodivergent behaviours, and that it’s fairly common fandom opinion that Nina and Maggie are a mirror for Crowley and Aziraphale, that would strengthen that theory. Not to mention that the show as a whole works to showcase equality for all, whether it be in terms of sexuality, ability, or race/creed.

I think we would all say that we’d rather the latter of these two possibilities is actually what the show is aiming for. There’s just something about the first possibility that nags at me though. I want to believe it’s the second thing (even if that makes me quick to judge), I really do. Perhaps recent events have just made me very cynical. *sigh* Shall we move on to naked John Hamm?

Can we just take a moment to appreciate how tongue-in-cheek accurate the exclamation that both Maggie and Nina choose to use is? Gabriel being both “holy” and, from what we’ve seen so far, an absolute “shit”. Love it. On another quick side note, somebody forgot to make sure that this extra knew how to use a phone convincingly:

What exactly is she doing, smashing away at her phone screen like that? Multiple pictures perhaps, but it seems unlikely.

Continuing on Gabriel’s skyclad promenade, we’re introduced to some no longer inanimate tomatoes. I feel like there has been quite a lot of discussion about that shot, which is not surprising given that the editors have gone out of their way to include it. Maybe the stall was knocked by somebody on their way to try and get a glimpse of the naked man (not unlikely), but we don’t get any suggestion of that. A few of them even roll across the road, causing Gabriel to step over them. Honestly, I don’t have any theories about this single shot, but I do wonder if there might have been a bit more in the original script for the episode. Having completed the script-to-screen comparisons, it was evident that the author wrote (often unnecessarily) extensive stage directions; perhaps there was something in those that would have explained this singular shot. If anybody has any thoughts, let me know – I do like the idea of Gabriel “upsetting the apple cart” but I don’t know why they wouldn’t just have used apples in that was the case, particularly as there are already some right there on the stall:

Alright, next point of note. Gabriel goes directly to the bookshop door. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. He walks straight past the door in the pub that we later come to see is the door to the elevator to Heaven. Something to bear in mind here is that we don’t actually know where Gabriel has come from to get here and he already has quite the following as he walks down Whickber Street. How long has he been walking through the streets of London in his state of undress?! Considering how little information he has retained from his tenure as supreme archangel, he must have some sort of strange homing beacon to know to go to Aziraphale’s bookshop.

Next question – why does Aziraphale treat his record so roughly when he’s interrupted by Gabriel knocking on the door? Considering the fact that he explicitly says that this type of record can be difficult to obtain, and the pleasure he clearly gets from listening to them, why risk scratching the one playing with his actions? As a matter of fact, have we ever had any indication that Shostakovich is one of Aziraphale’s favoured composers? He wasn’t on the list that Crowley reeled off in St. James’s Park all those years ago when the Antichrist was born, not even on the slightly extended version in the book. Urgh, there’s that ridiculous thought again – that’s not Aziraphale. I seriously can’t see how that thought could play out long term, but this is certainly uncharacteristic behaviour from our angel.

Alright, that’s quite enough of the questions for now. Let’s have a look at this delicious sequence of micro-expressions from Aziraphale when he opens the door:

Aside from the fact that the first thing he pays any attention to (despite the fact that Gabriel is standing not more than a foot away from him) is the crowd of people amassed outside the book shop (something I think is probably influenced by what I take to be a reflexive look to the Bentley’s usual parking space), what I find very interesting about this is that he doesn’t register any shock until he sees Gabriel’s face. Let me repeat that for a second and let it sink in – he’s not shocked that there’s a naked man on his doorstep, he’s shocked that it’s Gabriel. And if that wasn’t enough food for thought, tell me these are the hands of a being who isn’t hardwired to return an embrace:

Those fingers are curled people. Reflexively grabbing. He’s also raised them to return the embrace (when you look at the previous shot, they’re relaxed by his sides). Probably good for him that his common-sense kicks in and stops him from completing the action he has started instinctively – maybe that’s something to do with whatever it is that catches his attention here:

I want to talk a little bit about Gabriel’s demeanour in this sequence. It’s clear that he has no idea that nakedness is a thing that isn’t really done in public. In fact, he appears not to even understand the concept of being naked at all:

GABRIEL: Who told you I was naked?

A little while ago, I’m pretty sure I read a post about this particular quote being a biblical reference to Adam not knowing what nudity is, or its connotations, until after he eats the apple. If anybody knows where this is, I’d be grateful for the link, as I couldn’t find it. Google has informed me that the Christian lore is that Adam felt no shame about his nudity until after eating the forbidden fruit. What I find really interesting about the parallel with this scene is that whilst Gabriel feels no shame for being naked, Aziraphale is fully aware of the connotations with nakedness in human society. More importantly, he’s clearly experiencing an emotional response to the situation. I take this to be a clear indicator that he has truly “left the garden” and embraced humanity; my thinking is that the knowledge of nakedness might prompt the angel to inform Gabriel of the nakedness but wouldn’t invoke an emotional reaction. Which, to be fair, he might not be feeling so strongly if he would just stop LOOKING AT IT.

So I lied, I do have one more question about this scene, and it’s to do with Aziraphale’s response to Gabriel asking if he can come in.

That’s a pretty strong, even physical, response. What I’d quite like to know is how much of it is because Gabriel is naked, and how much is that Gabriel is… well, Gabriel. Personally, the latter of those two options doesn’t sit right; Aziraphale doesn’t really know what’s going on with Gabriel at this point, but he does know that he doesn’t appear to have any memories that would make him a threat. And let’s not forget to mention the change in his eye colour – they were purple in the first season, now they’re just John Hamm-coloured (which makes me wonder what exactly it is that causes the eye colouration in the first place). It’s clear that the man standing on the bookshop doorstep is not the supreme archangel that Aziraphale had come to fear in season 1, and Gabriel has actually been more than pleasant (nudity aside) up to this point. So that would suggest the violence of that reaction is largely to do with the nakedness, which brings us back to the whole “Aziraphale has left the Garden” point I made earlier. Not to mention that having a naked man in his shop, regardless of the identity of said man, is not going to go down well with his husband Crowley. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Quick point to reiterate what I was saying about Nina earlier on.

I mean, this just feels downright rude to me. It’s not the deliberate attempt to keep Maggie at a distance by insisting on referring to her as her coffee order, it’s the dismissive “I know who you are” (which is delivered immediately after the two of them seem to share a joke between them). Honestly, I feel like Maggie could do better for herself at this point. Anywho.

Moving swiftly through the tiny scene with Michael’s celestial telephone conversation, the next thing we see is Aziraphale being a lovely host to his new naked manfriend.

Ah lovely. Wait, what? Doesn’t Gabriel abhor the idea of consuming human food and drink?

 Yes, yes he does. So what initially appears to be a charming gesture of welcome from the principality is actually a beautifully subtle (and actually quite malicious, given Gabriel’s acute vulnerability here, what with the memory lost) “fuck you”. And all delivered with some helpful information about what it’s called and what to do with it. Just another little reminder that Aziraphale is very capable of indulging in some deliciously demonic characteristics when it suits him.

I’m really interested in how this whole memory loss thing actually functions – it’s clear that Gabriel has no idea who he is (he explicitly says so) and has no memory that drinking human drinks is something he doesn’t partake of. That said, he does seem to understand that “drinking” is something he’s never done before, and that hot chocolate is something he hasn’t experienced (see the cautious sniff he gives the mug). To make things all the more confusing, he also seems to understand certain social cues – he knows that Aziraphale recognised him when he arrived at the bookshop. That latter point is somewhat ironic, given his previous lack of knowledge around human social conventions.

And let’s not forget that change in eye colour (which reverts in later scenes where he actually manages to access some of his old memories, despite him not “opening” the fly). What exactly is it that has been extracted from his being and stored in the fly? Because it sure doesn’t feel like “his memories” really covers all the bases. I don’t think it’s that important, it’s just something I wonder about.

Alright it’s time to talk about a moment that has already been discussed A LOT:

GABRIEL: You know what it’s like when you don’t know anything at all and that you’re totally certain that everything would be better if you were just near one particular person?

Other than adding to my wondering about what exactly Gabriel has had extracted into the fly (seeing as this is how he is describing his instincts to go to Aziraphale), his side of the conversation here is fairly obvious. What we’re all more interested in is Aziraphale’s reactions to the question, more specifically his facial expressions because the King of Micro-Expressions is about to put his superpower to work. But first a warm-up. Have a look at this look of disbelief (not to mention the start of a tiny headshake “no”) at the first half of the question:

My take on the subtext going on here is something along the lines of “well, no, I really don’t know what that’s like. I’m far too intelligent and clever for that to be the case. What a ludicrous suggestion”. And I have come to that conclusion because that is exactly what I would be thinking in that situation :D Let’s move on to the second part of Gabriel’s question and move into micro-expression time!

What’s that Aziraphale? You know exactly what he’s talking about now? Your tiny head nod “yes” has somewhat given the game away on that one. I’ve slowed that GIF down massively so you can see it, and if you’re still in any doubt, just watch the lock of hair in the middle of his forehead when that scene plays at full speed – it’s undeniable. And if you thought that micro-expression was tiny, let’s have a look at the next one.

That GIF is slowed down to a tenth of the original speed. Which means the original expression flies across his face for less than a third of a second. I don’t have the words to express how impressed I am at this. That third of a second tells us that not only does Aziraphale know exactly how this feels, but that it’s a happy place for him to be. That tiny smile, combined with the accompanying script, tells us more about what he feels for Crowley than an entire season could.

This extreme reaction has me interested. I think the reason behind it could be one of two things; the first possibility is that Aziraphale thinks he’s being tricked into leaking some pretty revealing information. Feasible, but given that Gabriel’s memory is well and truly absent, this seems unlikely. My second thought is that he’s concerned that Gabriel feeling that way towards him indicates some sort of arrangement that he does not want to commit to. This feels truer to me, not least because he goes out of his way to distance himself from the subject matter, in both verbal and physical ways. There’s a feeling that he wants to vehemently discourage any exploration of what Gabriel’s feelings towards him could be, and what the consequences are. And, to be fair to him, he only has his own feelings to base that assumption off of; after all, if Gabriel feels about him the way that he feels about Crowley this mystery person that makes everything alright, there are certain human conventions about where Gabriel might be expecting things to be headed. And this is some classic Aziraphale flustering, isn’t it? Get into an uncomfortable situation, it’s time to make exaggerated physical gestures (not to mention unnecessary mouth movements) to try and dispel the tension. Those little sub-conscious giveaways will become very important later. But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

In this particular situation, he undoes his flustering hard work with a dreadful little nervous smile.

Honestly, this angel is totally incapable of not wearing his heart on his sleeve. It’s a good job that Gabriel is both clueless and harmless at this point. Let’s have a look at one last micro-expression before I get out of the weeds.

What… what is this? Because the thing I feel like it looks like the most is disappointment – the shallow intake of breath, downcast eyes, THE GULP… All topped off with the expression at the end, which we’ve seen before:

One major difference – the last time we saw it, he had reason to be disappointed, having mistakenly believed that angelCrowley was calling him gorgeous. I can’t understand what Aziraphale would have to be disappointed about here, unless it’s an ego thing. Perhaps I’m misinterpreting the whole reaction to being told the only reason Gabriel said what he did was actually more to do with the bookshop than the person in it is because he feels like he’s just dodged a bullet (pun totally intended), but that just doesn’t sit well with me.

I think I’ve droned on about this tiny section of this episode for far too long already (I knew this season was going to be something of a mission!), but I do want to touch briefly on the way that Gabriel reacts to drinking his cocoa. Aside from this being a really charming representation of the experience of drinking a hot, sweet cup of hot chocolate, what Gabriel’s reaction re-enforces the idea that these are sensations he’s never experienced before, which circles me back around to that whole logistics of memory wiping thing again. Don’t get me wrong, I love this version of Gabriel – there’s a childlike innocence about him that’s probably closer to humanity’s version of innocence than Heaven’s version, and the resulting comedy is gold – I just struggle with the specifics of this particular story-telling device. That said, we do get to see (and mostly hear) Aziraphale go into complete panic mode just because Gabriel has never experienced hot liquid arriving in his tummy before.

A Clue for the eventual end of season 3 or terrible ironic foreshadowing for the end of season 2? Probably 50/50 to be honest. Or at least I really hope so.

Oh, one last thing, and this one I didn’t catch until this write up. When we see the box on the doorstep of the bookshop (how adorable is it that Gabriel says his arms were getting tired from carrying an empty box by the way?), the fly is not in the box. You read that right, the FLY IS NOT IN THE BOX. This one was difficult to catch – I tried to GIF it, but it wasn’t clear enough, so a couple of images will have to do, and you can go back and watch it with the tip of your nose an inch from the screen like I did.

It is SUPER hard to see. It might look like the change in position is to do with the change in camera angle, but not so – the fly actually walks across the top of the box, and right at the end, disappears into the tiny gap were the flaps of the box meet. So to recap, not in the box whilst it sits on the doorstep (was it ever in there?) but definitely in the box when Aziraphale picks it up and takes it in inside. Again, this is one of those things that I don’t necessarily think is important, but it is a really lovely little Easter egg for the eagle eyed.

I definitely have rambled on too long for this section (how can this be part 3, and I’m not even half way through the episode yet?!), so I’m wrapping it up there. As always, questions, comments, discussions, always welcome. See you for the next one – I really will try not to be so ridiculously microscopic.

[ripplestitchskein]

I’ve seen a couple posts about this topic so I wanted to throw my hat in the ring. Or at least make my position clear.

I do not think that Stolas needs to be with other people, be that Vassago, Better Than Blitz guy, or someone else. I do not believe he needs to have more sexual or romantic relationship experiences with someone other than Blitz for his character arc or to learn how to be a better partner for Blitz or any of that. I intensely dislike the idea that a character or person has to have a bunch of different experiences to know what they actually want in general or as like some kind of life skill building exercise to obtain enough experience points to “earn” the person they want. I don’t think it’s necessary for Blitz either, he can see Stolas moving on and away and want to work to change without a third party as the catalyst. There’s just a lot of weirdness around these concepts in general. Like the fixation on “healthy” relationships is odd to me, it’s definitely a newer fandom thing, and it has a lot of implications for neurodivergent people I’m not going to unpack here. So yeah.

I’ve also already made it clear that I definitely don’t want Stolas to lose his desire for romance. He doesn’t need to get more realistic expectations or be more grounded in his relationships. I would be extremely disappointed if that was the ultimate takeaway for his character as I feel his desire for romance is a really central part of him and I don’t need the messaging to be about “realistic” romance.

However. The story has opted to hint at the possibility of Stolas *possibly* moving on with someone else, and Viv has implied Vassago is that possibility, so a lot of my speculations or theorizing follow that potential plot line or I try to theorize ways Vassago could fill a role in a platonic capacity while Blitz might think it’s more than it is etc. We still don’t know what role he’ll fill so it is only speculation but it is natural to wonder if it’s a love triangle or misunderstanding in that vein since the nature of the conflict is romantic.

That’s not to say that they can’t do interesting or compelling things with a love triangle plot line, I also don’t buy into the idea that cliched or tropey plot lines can’t be done well, they very well could. I love tropes. I got the watch the same shows over and over and over and listen to the same songs on repeat, read nothing but fan fiction which is basically just remixes of the shows I’m watching over and over brand of autism so I’m all for some cliche romance tropes.

So all this to say there is a difference between lining your theories and speculations up with a particular direction, and furthering discussions about those ideas if it seems like the show is going that way without explicitly endorsing the concept while still having an open mind to see what they ultimately will do with that concept. It may not be that people are yearning for or personally even wanting Stolas to have a rebound relationship but more they are setting their expectations up for that possibility since it is a common story thread.

That’s also not to say people who do want those types of stories are wrong for wanting them. There are compelling ways to write love triangles, just like we’ve seen them handle miscommunication, another often loathed trope. I’m just giving whatever they serve a chance and seeing where it goes. I am very much of the mindset that if I am enjoying what is happening, even if it’s cliche or not the direction I would have gone if I were in charge, then I’ll settle in for the ride. At the moment I trust the writing, I am having a blast with these characters and their issues and the ways things can play out and bending and twisting them into different scenarios. I trust the crumbs they’ve laid along the way and I’m interested to see how it ultimately plays out.

From a personal self indulgence level though I do like jealousy in fiction, I like yearning and angst and misunderstandings and messy things that aren’t desirable in reality, that aren’t even realistic and these cliches do open up for a lot of that. It CAN be done well. Fiction does not need to be clean and wholesome and “healthy”. Characters can do crazy shit real people can’t. I don’t watch shows or read fiction for realism. I do require happy endings though so as I’ve said all along if it seems like they aren’t going a direction I’ll enjoy I’m fine saying “okay, that was fun but I’m getting off the ride now, have fun you guys”.

[copperbadge]

Sam, how did you find your therapist and build such a good working relationship? Every attempt I’ve made at therapy seems to fizzle out after a few months… and no therapist has ever understood the RSD aspect of my ADHD, which makes it all feel a little worse every time I try.

I mean, I think really we're still building it -- I haven't had her more than a couple of months and functionally it's been an every-two-weeks situation most of the time because we keep having to move/cancel. I don't know that I can really speak intelligently to building a relationship with a therapist because this is the first time I've ever done it where I was an adult and in control. As for finding one...

Chicago has a group called Clarity Clinic, which is like a WeWork for mental health professionals -- they offer scheduling, billing, and IT/office space to local people who I think are mostly independent operators otherwise. They have a directory that is highly filterable, so I found my psychiatrist there by filtering to stuff like Adult ADHD and medication management. He's great, but he didn't want to be my therapist and I didn't want him to. When I decided on therapy, I asked him if he knew anyone he could recommend, since he knew what my deal was in terms of personality, behavior, etc.

So he gave me a couple of names of fellow Clarity Clinic folks and I had a look on the website and chose the one that sounded like she'd get on best with me. I think I struck it lucky to be honest -- she's young (compared to me) and has ADHD, and she's very familiar with disability discourse, spoon theory, etc, even fandom to an extent. If I were to go looking today I might look more at therapists who specialize in twice-exceptional individuals, but she's good enough with what I'm aiming at that I don't want to change.

So the best advice I have is if you're being treated for other stuff by someone you trust I'd ask them, but also look for someone experienced with adult ADHD, and I'd look for someone on the younger side who's more likely to be understanding of neurodivergent needs. (I also recommend filtering to queer-friendly therapists if you can; I didn't necessarily need that but it means they're likely to be generally accepting and probably have more liberal politics. With the caveat that in shady places like BetterHealth, "LGBTQIA" counselors are sometimes homophobic creeps with an axe to grind.)

Building the relationship has taken proactivity on my part -- ensuring that I always have an appointment on the books (we book out about six weeks in advance now, because we know one of us will likely need to cancel/rebook at times), making sure that I have either an aim for treatment or at least something to talk about, etc. I think in your case probably having a list of things you want to deal with, so that you can check some boxes up top, might help.

I would definitely open with "I have ADHD and I need help with [aspects of that]; I also have RSD and I need to work with someone who respects that diagnosis and understands how to help with it." I went into mine saying "I have ADHD and I'm also struggling with some really big emotion, so I'm looking for help with those, but also like...I'm not really sure what therapy can offer. I've had some bad experiences in the past but they were all when I was a child, so I'm trying to explore some options." Her reaction was a combination of sympathy and a discussion of the kinds of things we might work on, which helped a great deal.

But yeah, I think it starts with establishing right from the jump what you want and need, and then spending time making sure that you both stay on top of that until you find a rhythm. We're still finding our rhythm, but it's getting easier as I'm learning to be clearer about what I want and more comfortable with being a participant instead of someone therapy just happens to.

[kaija-rayne-author]

DA 4 Veilguard predictions

Okay so I wanted to get a whole ass post about what I think is likely to happen in DA 4 done before the reveals but I haven’t had the time between work and life.

There are MASSIVE spoilers for every Dragon Age game, book, comic, and most internet theories in this post. Proceed with caution.

Also I swear like the truckers I grew up around. So CW on language.

First and foremost, I’m going to warn you all that I’m a die-hard Solavellan. If you don’t like that? Don’t bother reading this. And for gods’ sake don’t bother arguing with me about it. Depending on my mood, I’ll either first roast your face off and then eat it with bbq sauce or if I’m feeling generous, I’ll just block your ass. You like what you like about games. I’ll like what I like. I don’t shit in your porridge, I ask you to not do it to me. As I’m writing this, I’m 47 years old and I’ve been gaming since I was 9. Which means I’ve been gaming longer than a lot of you have been alive. Stop yucking on people’s yum. There’s far too little joy in this world. Go find your own.

So, this is just a partial post (albeit, in true to me fashion, an incredibly LONG one XD). It will cover stuff I think we might see revealed in things this weekend at either SGF or Xbox whatever (I have no idea why they’d bother with the Xbox thing since they hold such a small share of the gaming market these days but whatever.) We’re seeing something between Friday and Monday. Hopefully, enough to give hope to the masses.

Depending on how much time I have before I have to serve dinner I might add some more of my theories.

It’s a bit silly of me to be so obsessed about this game because my computer definitely won’t be able to handle it, and because I’m a disabled, neurodivergent author with a family to support… well… the likelihood of me being able to buy both a computer able to handle it and the game itself any time in the near future isn’t good. So, I won’t be able to play it. I am going to add my links and a go fund me to the bottom of this post (which has taken me hours to research and write so if you would like to donate to the cause I would be so deeply appreciative. Dragon Age is one of my AuDHD special interests, and it’s killing part of my soul to know I can’t participate when it comes out. I promise I’ll write all sorts of interesting stuff about it!)

But I can’t help myself. Letting my research-oriented, lore-obsessed brain noodle about Dragon Age is one of my very favourite special interests. So, without further ado… here goes!

CLASSES

I think we have a good chance of seeing some of these as playable classes.

Knight-Templar ❌

Lord of Fortune ✅

Antivan Crow ✅

Mortalitasi (Nevarran necromancer) ✅

Grey Warden ✅

Shadow Dragon ✅

Shaper/Carta/Kal-Sharok/Sha-Brytol Dwarf ❌

Veil Jumper ✅

Fen’harel Fanatic (not his usual people, the fanatical ones detailed in Tevinter Nights) ❌

Companions

A lot of these ideas come from the supplementary material that I’ve read at least three times each. I’m obsessed. What can I say?

Qunari: ✅ Tal-Vashoth Sarrebas, maybe Qwydion? ❌

Rivani Lord of Fortune: ✅ ‘Hollix’ maybe? That would be fun, plus they are canonically non-binary! Please please please? With sugar on top? ❌

Tevinter Mage/Magister: ✅ Maevaris Tilani ❌ would be so cool, but I’d be equally as happy to see Neve Gallus. ✅ Honestly, they both have benefits for me. Mae is trans and Neve has a prosthetic leg. Alternatively, I liked Myrion ❌ well enough that he’d be a cool companion too. And he’s canonically bisexual from what I read between the lines.

Grey Warden: ✅ Please let it be Antoine! ❌ (Antoine absolutely has ADHD and I would love to see more of that rep in a AAA game.) Evke ❌ could be fun too.

Templar Knight-Commander: Rana Savras ❌

Spirit Companion: I really hope it’s not Audric. 1. He’s not really a spirit, he’s a higher undead, which is a Zombie by any other term. And all the poor guy wants is to organize his library. I’ll be quite disappointed with the writers if they go this route.

So, we’ve had Faith/Wynn, Justice/Anders, and Compassion/Cole. There are two other widely known benevolent spirits in Dragon Age canon. Valor and Hope. Given what I think is gonna happen in DA4, my money is on a Hope spirit. ❓

Antivan Crow: ✅ Illario Dellamorte. ❌ (I really really hope it’s not Lucanis Dellamorte. 💩 He’s so damned annoying and gods that is NOT how an assassin operates. Here's my professional editorial opinion of why Lucanis is an absolutely terrible character.

Veil Jumper/Dalish/City Elf: ✅ Strife. ❌ Please please please? He’d be so awesome as a companion character. He’s not young! I want an older companion character. (And it would let them get away with the white hair on a darker skinned character without it being racist as fuck.) I just really hope he looks better than he did in the comics. The art style in those was just fucking terrible.

I am hoping that we can somehow romance Lace Harding. ✅ But I just don’t see how she could fit in with the reported likely classes and things I’ve personally considered.

That gives me 8 even though reports say we only get 7. But did you notice in this picture that there are 8? So either we’re gonna get a ‘secret’ companion like Loghain Mac Tir. (Three guesses who that will be and the first two don’t count.) Or they have a surprise for us. Or the art is off.

I could also see Kieren ❌ as a companion. (Morrigan’s son) He’d be just about old enough if we get the time jump reports are saying we will. He was roughly 12 in DAI. + 2 for Trespasser puts him at 14. Ten years minimum between Trespasser and DA4 puts him at 24. So, it’s possible. I could also see Vaea as a companion. But I’m not exactly sure how she would fit with classes.

Potential Advisors

Some of these I’ve got as potential companions as well because I could see them fitting either.

Dorian Pavus for Tevinter Magisters (I think this is very likely given Tevinter Nights.)

Maevaris Tilani (Same as above.)

Charter (I think we’ll see Charter stepping into Leliana’s place as Spymaster given what we saw in Trespasser and Tevinter Nights.)

Myrna/Audric (Mortalitasi)

Ramesh (Grey Wardens)

Genetivi (Scholar) (given what happened in Tevinter Nights I have a feeling we’ll be seeing him again under a new name)

Viago De Riva (Antivan Crows)

Andarateia Cantori (Antivan Crows) I’d love to see Zevran again but considering what he was up to in DAI I think it’s unlikely. Although something did happen in Tevinter Nights that might make it possible.

Lavellan: With how the story in DAI ended and what we saw in the end scene of Trespasser, I think they’ll be important in some way.

Fenris: (Wandering Warrior)

Cameos we might see:

Fenris

Isabela

Arishok Sten

Antaam Rassan

Kieren (Morrigan’s son)

Zevran

Vaea

Sebastian Vael

Viago De Riva

Andarateia Cantori

Lavellan

People I don’t think we’ll see or if we do it won’t be for long.

Cassandra (thank gods)

Morrigan

Leliana (sads)

Most of the cast of DAI and the previous games.

Bosses we’re likely to fight.

Solas. He’ll be a mini-boss and maybe one you can talk out of a fight.

FleMythal

Elgar’nan ✅️

Ghilan'nain ✅️

Andruil. She and Ghilan’nain often go together.

Critters/bad guys we’re likely to see.

Bone creatures from the necropolis.

Changed darkspawn/humans from Ghilan'nain’s labs. ✅️

Tentacley sea creatures from Minrathous and other ‘experimented upon by mages’ monsters.

Werewolves may make a comeback.

Antaam.

Venatori. ✅

Fen’harel Fanatics (these are different from Fen’harel agents).

Whatever or whoever the people across the sea are.

Carta dwarves

Titans

Sha-Brytol dwarves

Antaam Rassan

Antaam

Things I think we’re likely to see.

We’re going to see trans/non-binary rep. ✅ I deeply believe this is happening. I will be so sad if I’m wrong.

Sad as I am to say it. Varric is gonna die. The writing has been on the wall in drippy red marker since they fired his writer. I hate this, personally. I grew up listening to Brian Bloom (Varric’s VA) and he’s just one of my absolute favourites. But I don’t think Varric is gonna make it.

The how? I think, narratively, they’ll do it in a way that hurts Solas a very great deal. In DAI, Varric is one of the few people that Solas listens to. Apologizes to and actually talks to with a sense of respect in his tone that he rarely does with anyone else. Given events in the comic The Missing where Solas saves Varric several times… yeah. ✅️

If I were writing it? It would be an angsty as fuck scene where either something Solas does accidentally kills Varric in a friendly fire isn’t friendly sort of situation or that Solas can’t get there in time to save one of the few people he actually probably considers a friend.

So, the pain of Varric’s death will be what in the writing/editing trade we call a pinch-point for Solas’s character arc. How the player decides what happens will likely be one of those crucial choices matters points that will turn Solas down a darker path or possibly toward a redemption arc.

Flemythal isn’t dead. I’ve talked before about how she is not the happy fluffy bunny version of a mother goddess. Sure, she might be a mother goddess. But she’s the type that reminds us that mother nature is often more red in tooth and claw than nurturing.

And the lady is bent. Bent on revenge. Bent on using people to get her revenge. Just… if she ever was the good and kind person that Solas remembers? She definitely isn’t anymore.

I have a feeling given one of the stories in Tevinter Nights that FleMythal has infected Solas (vs sharing her power in a simple power up to help him save people move) with the dragon soul. Which could have been part of Mythal's soul even before the dragon had it, if some theories are correct. There’s been a lot of imagery and description of a dreadwolf like creature that is half lupine, half dragon. So, something is going on there.

And honestly, I think that’s going to be Solas’s breaking point with mommy dearest. (Please, please don’t let them have been lovers, that will squick me out so fucking bad.)

“Betrayal is always worse.” Is one of Solas’s really heartfelt lines in DAI. If I’m right, and FleMythal somehow manipulated that dragon soul she got from Kieren (talk about fucked up action right there) so that it’s gonna change Solas into a half dragon half wolf demon thing… welp.

I think FleMythal will find that Solas has a bit more backbone than he ever had in the past. He’s not alone now. He knows he’s not alone. He’s got friends. He’s got someone who deeply loves him in a romanced Solavellan playthrough. I don’t think Solas is going to be very happy with his dearest ‘best of them’ Mythal.

Best of them? Yeah. It doesn’t mean she was actually good.

So Mythal isn’t dead. I think she’s likely to be one of if not the BBEG along with whoever that voice was at the end of the teaser. My money is on Troy Baker ❌️for the VA and I’m really curious if I’m right. I’m thinking that’s probably Elgar’nan. God of Vengeance. Perhaps Mythal and Elgar’nan patch up whatever divine argument they’ve been having via celestial couples therapy or something. Who knows.

I think we’re going to see a split path depending on the choices of the player for Solas. Depending on our choices, he could go really dark, or he could have a redemption arc. Patrick Weekes tweeted to me that ‘there’s a possibility of a happy ending for Solavellan’ so I still have hope. I trust Weekes to write a satisfying conclusion to the Solavellan Romance. (I just don’t trust Bioware as far as I can throw them.) Weekes was the lead writer on this game, so I think it’s a good possibility that that’s how it’s going to be structured.

I think the game will very possibly be a multi-act structure like DAI. The first act is possibly going to be like the Hinterlands leading up to Coryphyfish blowing the hell out of Haven. I think the veil coming down is going to either be what starts off the game ✅ (like the explosion of the conclave in DAI) or will be the final ending situation of Act 1. Again. Player choices will likely affect this to some extent.

But y’all? That veil is coming down. ✅ And yes. I’m aware of that silly new name for the game. I don’t like it. (That ‘the’ was a mistake. Veilguard by itself would’ve been much better linguistically.) But if you’ve been following my ramblings about Dragon Age for a while, y’all will know I have issues with their linguistic usage and editing already.

Dumped Drunk and Dalishious did a fantastic piece on her blog about the veil. It’s here if you haven’t read it. Firstly, the veil was never meant to exist in THEDAS in the first place. If you deep dive the lore (and trust me, I really have. A LOT.) It’s obvious that the veil has been the cause of more problems than it has fixed. It’s been slowly killing magic in THEDAS since its creation. It has to come down. It’s also as holey a granny’s doilies anyway. Solas taking it down in a controlled fashion is very likely going to prevent far more deaths than if it keeps just falling apart piecemeal like it’s been doing forever. It’s unfixable and it really really needs to go. ✅

So once that veil drops… I don’t think it’s going to be as horrific as everyone has been bellyaching about forever. Solas’s often misquoted and wildly overblown lines from Trespasser (seriously do y’all even know what the word genocide means? You make me doubt.) are very likely a red herring at best. People are being willingly misled. ✅ I can’t really blame y’all.

Weekes is an absolute Master at playing people’s expectations and assumptions off of their preconceived notions, then throwing a bomb of ‘oops you were all wrong and it was right in front of you the entire time’. They’ve even said they really love to write things like that. I want to write as well as Weekes does when I grow up.

Humans existed before the veil. Why wouldn’t they afterward? Given some of the lore, Qunari also existed before the veil. Why wouldn’t they continue to? Will there be chaos? Yup. ✅ But change is often painful. And if anything needs change it’s the world of THEDAS. (Both for story reasons and for gameplay reasons.)

One of the changes I think we’re likely to see is the implosion of the Chantry. (I am absolutely hoping for this. I’m not a fan of organized religion on a grand scale like that and the Chantry has soooooo damned many skeletons in its closets and atrocities under its belt that I will absolutely celebrate when it burns to the ground.)

Which will happen if it comes out that Solas put up the veil in the first place and took it down too. The Chantry either outright claims or strongly insinuates that the maker put up the veil. It’s the cornerstone of their entire faith. Also, in the story Genetivi Dies in the End in Tevinter Nights, Genetivi is absolutely wrecked by the discovery that everything he’s ever written as a travelling Chantry Scholar has been a lie. The Chantry is going down.

So, there’s gonna be some chaos there. And that’s not going to be Solas’s fault because that veil is coming down anyway.

And can you imagine the absolutely hilarious chaos that’s gonna happen when word leaks that an elven god-mage was the one who is technically the ‘maker’ by Chantry doctrine? With all the horrific racism and sheer awfulness the Chantry has done to elves over the centuries? I’m popping popcorn.

I think we’re gonna see Felassan again. ✅️ Cause that elf isn’t dead. And no, Solas didn’t kill him. Please trust me, I’ve combed through all the lore, I’ve read The Masked Empire where it supposedly happened several times, and there is not a shred of actual proof that Solas was the one who did the deed. It’s a Weekes misdirection again. They've got the nickname Tricksy Weekes for a reason.

The actual facts about the 'murder'.

It was someone Felassan worked for.

Someone he knew.

Someone who he knew wouldn't listen to his reasoning. (Solas has been shown to actually listen to his friends and let them change his mind.)

Someone who could very likely have been female because Felassan likens the murderer to Brialla.

It was someone who could fade-walk or move in the fade.

Mythal can do that.

A Somniari/Dreamer can also fade-walk.

Probably most of the still extant Elvhenan can do it (which there were quite a few of in Mythal’s temple).

And we know from DA2 that at least one modern born Somniari/Dreamer exists in the world.

Point being, there’s no actual ‘Solas killed Felassan’ spelled out anywhere. No, not even in Cole's lines in Trespasser. Those lines only indicate that Solas knows about Felassan’s ‘death’ and that he’s sad about it. Cole talks in riddles and references to modern TV shows all the time. I have no idea why people take him even remotely literally.

I have a few theories about this.

IF Felassan’s spirit actually was killed in the fade (possible) his body wasn’t. His body would’ve been just lying there in the woods breathing like any other Somniari. Possibly made tranquil (which we know can be reversed).

What if Solas lost his original body in putting up the Veil?

What if he had a deal with Felassan or maybe came to Felassan to help him get back to his body after the attack and Felassan decided he was done and wanted to move on?

They're said to be friends. Never said to be employer/employee.

If Solas was awake and in the fade and sensed an attack on Felassan, he'd certainly have gone to help.

What if he gave his body to Solas?

Felassan's 'death' chronologically lines up to when Solas 'woke up'.

Felassan has purple eyes. So does Solas.

Felassan has fade-green magic. So does Solas.

Felassan is incredibly powerful. Stares at Solas.

Felassan knows far more about Fen'harel than even a scholar would.

Felassan knew far more about Eluvians, ancient Elvhenan, and The Forgotten Ones (Imshael is a Forgotten One) than anyone would reasonably expect any elf to know.

Felassan let Imshael see into his head about what was coming in the future. Which Imshael almost got off on. Imshael loves destruction and chaos.

I can make a list as long as my arm on similarities there. So, either Solas didn’t kill Felassan and the old? Felassan will be in the game once the veil falls, or it will be revealed that Solas has actually been wearing a (voluntary because a soul cannot take a body involuntarily) Felassan suit the entire time.

Probably blew some minds there, huh?

So given that Weekes has said that if Felassan was a popular enough character they would consider bringing him back… I think it’s likely we’ll see something to do with him again.

Also? The sheer hilarity factor of elves who do not want magic (Fenris anyone?) getting magic returned to them is going to be sweet.

I think we’ll see blood magic as a much bigger mechanic than in previous games. (And I hope they did some work on it to make it make more sense this time.) The game is going to have a lot of Tevinter content. Blood magic is a big deal there. Ergo… it’s likely.

Given some of the things that happened in Tevinter Nights, which honestly really feels like a teaser book to DA4 (I really hate the Veilguard name) I think it’s likely that we’ll see the Templars again. They’ve been in every game and book so far. I doubt they’d get rid of the useless bastards in this one.

Given some of the things in Tevinter Nights, I think it’s possible we’ll see just as many puzzles as we did in DAI, if not more. I’m hoping for more. I do love puzzles in these kinds of games.

I believe it’s highly possible that whoever drank from the Well is going to be completely fucked. Especially, if they follow a ‘kill Solas’ route. Remember who the well binds you to in Trespasser? Bingo.

I think it’s very likely that someone close to the main character is going to be a dual agent of Fen’harel. And it will not be someone we expect. We’re all gonna be side eyeing the mages after the last three games. But what if it’s a warrior or rogue who hides their magic? There was at least one character that completely hid their magic in Tevinter Nights.

We’re going to see more of the Evanuris and The Nameless/Forgotten ones. I base that on Imshael being in DAI and in Masked Empire and some of the dialogue between Felassan and Imshael.

Titans. We’re going to see the titans waking up and being royally pissed off. This is going to cause so much chaos for the dwarves. Who will also regain magic and a kinda creepy hive-mind thing, too. Again. That’s not going to be Solas’s fault.

We’ll have at least one Gala event. Very possibly in Minrathous or Vyrantium. Hopefully with better clothing.

Finally, for things I think likely… The Grand Necropolis in Nevarra is gonna burn. People seem to forget that Solas doesn’t just fight for the freedom of the Elves. He fights for the freedom of spirits too.

In case you haven’t read it… the Nevarrans imprison spirits in the corpses of their dead using mages called the Mortalitasi. I really don’t think that is going to sit well with Solas. In fact, I know it doesn’t. It’s spelled out in Tevinter Nights.

I think it’s probably going to be a quest line for the main character to go and save the necropolis or let it burn to free the spirits. This, of course, will be one of the choices that matter and likely another pinch point on whether Solas goes dark or gets a redemption arc. It will also deeply affect Nevarran politics and the way the country is run. The Mortalitasi basically rule the monarchs of Nevarra sooooo. It’s gonna cause chaos there too.

We’ll obviously see a lot of chaos with the Qunari. Their culture is splintering already. The Antaam have decided to go off the rails and attack anything and everything. Maybe the Ben-Hassrath will be able to rein that in. Maybe not. I don’t have very many predictions on the Qunari to be honest. They’re at war with Tevinter at the end of Tevinter Nights so that war will figure heavily in the game, most likely. But how that’s going to play out I haven’t a clue.

Some mechanics I think we might see.

Fade-touched weaponry that can stop mages.

Elemental interactions. (IE: Magic lightning x water = lots of zap)

Magically treated arrows. ✅️

More magical bombs and poison effects. (I might be just wishfully dreaming there because one of the things I miss from DAO is the poisons and traps mechanics. They felt like an afterthought in DA2 and DAI. I want to be able to make cool traps and set up ambushes again.) But there was that story with Dorian in Tevinter Nights where several of those things were used, so maybe? It would be cool.

I think it’s likely that we’ll see the Despair Demon from Tevinter Nights. And I’m still so mad that they fired the writer of that story. It’s one of my favourites.

Some things that are very possible? But I’m not sure of and could just be wishful thinking.

I think we might see Abelas again. (Abelas romance? Pretty please? ❌😭) His story does have one of those endings that kills him so it’s possibly just wishful thinking. But they brought Leliana back for DAI, so I don’t see why they couldn’t with Abelas too. And also, I have a voice kink and love his VA Matthew Gravelle.

We might see non-linear storytelling. I kind of hope we do because I love non-linear storytelling. Perhaps one storyline will be Arlathan (through dreams or time travel perhaps?) and the fall of it so we finally get some answers to all of this lore. (Please let us get some answers!)

We may see some problems from a rather irrational faction of people who say they’re working for Solas but are using methods he would never approve of. They may be sort of like the Venatori in the last game. Though I do think it’s likely we might have to fight a few more of the Venatori too. ✅ They’re still out there having really messed up rituals and stuff to destroy things.

I think it’s possible given a few clues in the lore and in Tevinter Nights that we’re either going to see not just a double blight (regular darkspawn and red lyrium darkspawn) but a triple blight with the green/yellow lyrium found in Ghilan'nain’s labs. Remember that Ramesh only destroyed one of them. There are eleven more. I think that’s going to very possibly be a big part of this game.

Settings/Levels/Areas I think likely.

So, we already know that the game will be taking place in the north of THEDAS. That’s a no brainer after the map reveal in the teaser.

But where exactly will they take us?

In Tevinter, I think it’s very possible we’ll see Minrathous ✅ and Vyrantium. We may see the Black Divine’s/Archon’s palace.

We’ll see Arlathan Forest. ✅ That I’m almost certain of. We’ll probably also see ancient Arlathan somehow. (Dreams or barely used time-travel mechanic from DAI?)

We’re going to be spending a lot of time in the deep roads and even farther below the deep roads. And dear developers please let me have some answers to all this lore.

We may spend some time inside a Titan again.

Pre-veil drop, we may spend some time in the fade. I actually hope that with the veil dropping we get to rescue whoever got left behind in DAI. That would make my heart so happy.

We’re likely to see the crossroads at least a little bit.

Antiva! Gods I’m looking forward to seeing Antiva.

Anderfels/Weisshaupt. We have no idea at the end of DAI or Tevinter Nights or Last Flight what the hell is going on up there, so I think we’ll have to find out in the game. Also… more chaos that is most definitely not Solas’s fault.

Rivain?

I think we’ll see the Golden City. And the Black City. Which is likely the same place.

And I don’t think it’s up in the sky. I think it’s deep underground below the deep roads.

Ships! I think we’re going to see some more ships. That’s based on a story in Tevinter nights and some of the splash art. But gods I really want more ships. Especially in a place like Minrathous or Antiva for fuck’s sake!

I think we might see some underwater levels for various reasons. And I hope we do.

These next things are honestly my hopes and dreams that would make me so happy, but I have little to back them up with as far as lore or books/comics and supplementary materials.

Polyamory options. PLEASE give me polyam romance options. BG3 did it. It’s 2024 and only 30% of dating people are monogamous. Get with the times! ❌️

I want CC body sliders so bad. ✅ Give me the ability to make a fat player character please! Not just because a lot of gamers tend to be on the heavier side but honestly? Because a fat adventurer is going to be able to go farther than any skinny twig. Real strong men/women/enbies do not look like gym bunnies and models. They have a good layer of fat over that muscle for stability. Guess what fat is? It’s energy storage. A fat adventurer is going to be able to survive longer than a twig. I could go on… but come on Bioware. Be brave. Let me have a fat adventurer. ✅️

Decent. Fucking. Hair. ✅ Please let the CC have decent hair options. LONG hair options! Let me have my long haired elfy prince dude!

Isabela cameo. She’s one of my favourite DA2 characters and some of the early splash art makes me hopeful we’ll see her again. ✅️

I’m hoping for DAO origin style stories for the Main Player Character. But ideally? We’d have something like BG3 where we could play one of a number of origin stories or make our own blank slate character. ❌ Given the gossip going around the gaming community I’m thinking this is unlikely, but damn do I want it.

Useful. Mounts. Please let us have actually useful mounts. And GRIFFONS. ✅ Give me flying mounts you cowards!

Prosthetic using characters. ✅ Bioware has the worst track record when it comes to ableism, but gods please. They’ve got it set up perfectly with Inky losing their arm. There’s a prosthetic leg user in Tevinter Nights. PLEASE LET ME HAVE PROSTHETIC USING CHARACTERS.

Better Crafting Options. The crafting was okay in DAI. Especially if you mod it in so you can buy the stuff to do so easier (I really hate killing dragons but it’s the best crafting material!). But it also often felt more like an afterthought?

Better. Clothes. Seriously. Give me some razzle dazzle with the clothing. ESPECIALLY since we’re going to Tevinter where how you dress is absolutely important!

I know this is sniffing the genie smoke here, but could we have actually attractive armour options? With BRIGHT colours? Research shows that a lot of historical armour was 1. Gorgeous and well fitting. 2. Brightly painted! Let me have bright colours! (And please not the yellow plaid. Ugh.)

I hope for more gardening options in whatever base we end up using. I loved the gardening options in DAI, but they weren’t big enough for my plant loving heart.

I really want to see Solas in flying Wolfie form. We see him like that in Tevinter Nights. So, I really hope we get to see him like that in game.

Finally… and I know I’m high on my own hopes here… I really hope we get the gifting options back. Completely unattached to approval is fine. I just want to be able to find the perfect gift for my companions like I do in real life with my friends. It brings me so much joy.

Things they’re likely to fuck up.

Sadly, I think there’s some things Bioware is very likely to fuck up. This could just be me being too pessimistic, but they’ve screwed these things up throughout the entire series and to my knowledge they didn’t hire any diversity consultants in the making of DA4 sooooo…

Ableism. Bioware has a terrible record when it comes to ableism. ✅ (the demon design is going to cause visual strain and possibly bad effects for epileptic gamers).

White-washing. The North of THEDAS is like the South of Earth. If they make most of the people there have light skin I will probably boycott the fuck out of Bioware for the rest of my life. ✅️

No fat character ability in CC.

Really fucked up hair options. Seriously Bioware. It’s bad.

And I think they’re going to be in trouble when it comes to the Lords of Fortune. Look. I love the idea of the class and I even love how a lot of them are described in the books. But it’s absolutely glomming onto the stereotype of the Romani, and I don’t think that’s going to go over well at all. It won’t for me with my Romani heritage, and it really shouldn’t for anyone. Cause you know what that stereotypical usage is? It’s Racism. Bioware also doesn’t have the best track record regarding racism either.

As more thoughts come to me I’ll either append stuff to this post or do others (probably the latter.)

And here are my links if you want to toss me a buck or two as a tip. I'm recovering from a pulmonary embolism (do not recommend) and every penny helps because I'm the sole income for my family.

And if you're in Canada like me you can use Interac. Kaija.rayne.author@gmail.com.

As always, thanks for reading my rambles!

[melt-into-the-night]

I recently replayed the original game leading up to Double Exposure. I ship Pricefield, and even I didn't think the relationship was going to last. When they were 18, Chloe;

Continually got mad at Max for leaving her behind, despite Max telling her it wasn't her choice

Got mad at her for wanting to talk to her suicidal friend on the phone

Gets angry if you don't side with her on every argument with David, even in the moments where David was right

Gets angry if you don't steal from the handicapped fund

Gets pissed off when if Max calls her out on her selfish behavior

Continually ignores Max when Max tries to say they're overusing the time powers

Forces Max to expose her assault by Jefferson in order to get her to take her warnings seriously during her multi-time jump to before the party in polarized

Openly admits she refuses to accept responsibility for her actions, and that it has to be someone else's fault

Honestly, the relationship was not going to last even IF everyone, including Chloe, survived Arcadia Bay. Chloe has too much baggage she has to work through. And Max, who is both neurodivergent and now suffering from PTSD, has her own issues she needs to work through.

I'm the same age as Max and Chloe. At 18, I used to have a relationship similar to theirs where I was the Max. We both thought that if we got away from it all, we'd be fine. That we would never break apart. I thought if we could just survive the worst and travel, we'd get through it. That we'd last forever.

I'm the same age as Max is. I'm no longer with my Chloe. Looking back, all the things I looked past or tried to rationalize were toxic and wearing me down. I did everything for her and it was never enough. I now realize I didn't like who I was when I was with her. The only difference between me and Max is that I'm the one that chose to end it.

I'm not mad that they broke up. I can understand why others might be, but honestly? I'm kind of relieved. Max and Chloe need to figure themselves out before they enter any sort of relationship.

I’m not mad or surprised they broke up either, but I do think Chloe definitely experienced growth by the end of the first game too. She was willing to die to save the town after all.

That said, to me it makes sense that in the bae route, Max choosing to let all of her friends die, including Chloe’s mom would be a heavy burden for her to carry, no matter how much she loves Chloe. This girl did everything she could to save the town and then realized the only way she could was to sacrifice her best friend.

I have theories... Gonna touch on some major spoilers up ahead so for those waiting for the regular release date…don’t read past this point, unless you are a Pricefield fan looking for some hope and perhaps a reason to continue the game and wanting to keep an open mind just in case. Then come on in.

One theory I have is that Chloe probably realized how much it was weighing on her still years later and Chloe realized that in order for Max to make peace with her past, she had to let her go, and breaking up with her in kind of a harsh way was Chloe’s way of making it easier for Max to not fight it.

And because the game is definitely hyper focused on how much it’s weighing on her even to this day I do think ultimately the goal is to have her get to a place in her life where she can be at peace with her choice, regardless of what choice she had made. And depending on how you play this game I do think there will be an ending where they find their way back to each other.

And well, if not then at least so far we seem to be in a game tackling the multi-verse theory where characters appear to be somehow crossing over into different timelines and doing/saying things they normally wouldn’t do or say, so right now, nothing is final. Not even Max and Chloe’s current relationship status. Arguably there is a universe where they are still together, and we just haven’t seen it…yet

[pjsk-writin]

OMG AMIA HEAR ME OUT

WHA ABOUT PJSEKAI BOYS WITH A GN NEURODIVERGENT READER WHO HAS HIPERFIXATION WITH DISTURBING VOCALOID SONGS AND SEARCHES FOR VOCALOID ICEBERGS AND VIDEOS SO THEY CAN STUDY AND LISTEN TO THE SONGS

and has asked them to make a cover from any song of them

(i totally didn't describe myself with this LMAO-)

TBH JUST LIKE ME FR.. hope u like this !! <3

♡ DISTURBING VOCALOID SONGS - Akito Shinonome, Toya Aoyagi, Tsukasa Tenma and Rui Kamishiro x Reader

Akito:

The first time Akito overhears the song that you were listening to, he was very...concerned, to say the least-

"What the hell are you listening to?" He asks, and you simply give him a smile, "It's one of my favorites!"

He's still concerned, but after finding out that you're hyperfixated on those types of songs, he just lets it be

He might watch a vocaloid iceberg video with you every now and then, but you won't miss the look of confusion of his face at every word

It would definitley take him a lot, and I mean a lot of convincing to get him to make a cover of one of these disturbing songs, but he does it to see you smile <3

Toya:

Toya is a mix between concerned and curious when he first stumbles across you listening to one of these disturbing songs.

"Wow, this song has an...interesting meaning." You laugh and nod, "Yeah, but it's really amazing to me!"

He definitely gives more into the curiosity than the concern, asking you all about the different songs you're hyperfixated on-

It's very easy to drag him into watching disturbing vocaloid icebergs and videos, he'll watch them with wide eyes and ask you a ton of questions

He might be hesitant to make a cover of a disturbing song, but that's because he doesn't know if he could pull it off- He has a surprising amount of fun with it though! <3

Tsukasa:

Tsukasa is definitely more inclined to listen to loud songs, so he's probably drawn to your disturbing music if it is in that genre-

"This music is certainly wonderful!...Oh-" You laugh at the look on his face, grinning, "Sorry, this is my favorite part-"

He's more bewildered than anything at the meanings and context in songs you're hyperfixated on. Loud and disturbing songs will quickly join his playlist!

He'll also watch iceberg vocaloid videos and listen to you study, occasionally giving you his own thoughts and theories with a wide grin

He likes the challenge that covering one of these disturbing songs will bring, so he'll definitely try it! It comes out a lot better than he thought it would! <3

Rui:

If I'm being honest, Rui probably listens to disturbing music in general, so it's not too much of a surprise to him-

"Hm, interesting...I haven't heard this one before." You smile at him, holding your speaker up a bit higher, "You wanna listen to more?"

He enjoys finding new disturbing music through you, but he enjoys studying it with you even more. You add to each other's hyperfixations-

Both of you easily get lost into icebergs and videos, to the point where you stay up until three in the morning discussing songs-

He immediately accepts when you ask him to make a cover of a song, he's already made covers in the past anyway- His voice works really well in disturbing songs! <3

[shrimpathizer]

this is just a theory (i haven't looked into this bit that much) but I feel like the reason that misinformation is so wildly rampant in online communities about ADHD (probably also autism) is in part because of how inaccessible actual professional information about it is.

Like, I remember before I got my diagnosis (what started off this whole thing a while back), I was looking at the CDC website description of symptoms of ADHD with my mom and. If you thought you were neurodivergent and were looking at this thing trying to see if you should get tested, its basically saying "screw you. you're either a child who is going to be here because of their parents, or an adult who is also here because of another neurotypical."

one of the criteria was literally "is often 'on the go' acting as if 'driven by a motor.'" that means absolutely nothing. you are using undefined expressions to explain something to someone who historically is not good at understanding unexplained social norms (such as expressions).

plus, its incredibly subjective. "on the go" could mean something wildly different for one person then the next. and "often" could mean "all the time every day" or "only at school" or even "every other week." not to mention the memory issues that at least a lot of the people who I know with ADHD struggle with.

someone who might have ADHD has no way of knowing if they "often have trouble organizing tasks and activities" or if that is a normal amount. there is no way for them to easily know if they "often do not seem to listen when spoken to directly."

so it seems obvious to me, that they would turn to other people with ADHD. and the easiest place to find them these days is online. thats how I started wondering if I should get diagnosed. they're probably trying to find some other way to understand or know. and since its social media and social media is rampant with misinformation, of course they are going to be fed misinformation.

people are going to tell them "you see this weird thing that you do? I do that too. and its actually because of this much larger thing. trust me." and people will. because there really isn't much of another place for them to turn. they are going to self-diagnose with every disorder under the sun to make themselves feel at home and feel like they aren't weird or wrong.

maybe i'm way off here but I think that if you want people (teens in particular) to stop turning to social media for comfort and information, you should give them other resources that are accessible. that they don't have to pay to see, that they can understand clearly, that acknowledges all the weird things that they feel bad about.

and sort of as a side note: i remember in elementary school, early on (this might have just been my school/city/state), the school set up one of those mobile classrooms on the yard and would pull kids out for like a good couple months to do eye exams. because we've normalized that kids also have eye problems and thats normal. and maybe, could we also get a small little assessment. just to see if we can find neurodivergent kids early on and get them help so that they don't suffer for years and years.

and i'm not talking as someone who has had it hard. i have had it so easy compared to so many others. i have supportive parents and get good grades, and yet, i am constantly burnt out. i constantly feel horrible. not just because of depression. maybe i'm being too radical here but i feel like i shouldn't need a 504 plan to say that if i'm having a panic attack i can leave the room. that if i'm having trouble focusing i can go to the library or somewhere else. that i can get extensions on due dates. that i can see a copy of the notes or lesson for reference. i don't know maybe i'm just incredibly radical that i think people shouldn't have to be expected to work four times as hard to get anything done and then get blamed when they don't live up to the expectation. whether or not they are neurodivergent.

[metaforth]

I can speak for myself. As an autistic person I am more than capable of deciding on my own what offends me in terms of representation. I do not need allistics to come to my defense on matters I don't even care about.

It infuriates me to no end everytime I see the thousandth video by an allistic person insisting a specific character is autism coded and talking about how they're a harmful stereotype when I myself don't even see what makes that character seem autistic. Perhaps the one with stereotypical views on aspies isn't any of the people working on that show methinks.

Like honestly, I don't really have any problems with Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. Honestly I sorta like him. For one that show runners have denied time and time again that he's meant to be autistic to the point of making it canon in the show that he was tested for it and isn't but, if we're looking at him that way...

He's a PhD holding scientist with a high paying job. He's got a circle of friends who while they may at times find him irritating ultimately are willing to give him the space he needs and understand his differences from their behavior wise and that sometimes they need to be a little more careful with him, friends who share and are willing to indulge him on his special interests. By the end of the show he has a wife that loves and respects him not in spite of his behaviors, but in large part because of how they're part of who he is. This is bad? Fuck this is aspirational. I'd love this. But the show makes some jokes at his expense so the creators are ableist I guess.

Now I haven't seen every single episode of Big Bang so maybe they go all autism speaks at some point, who knows, but my point is maybe let us talk about this? The people who actually are autistic and would love a platform to be seen talking about it.

The one that pisses me off the most is when people assert that Arthur from the Joker movie is autistic (what?) and the movie depicts that as the primary reason he's violent. For one I never got that sense from the movie, I got the sense that a multitude of things in his life lead to his decline and to his eventual turn to violence and public outbursts aside from just his mental conditions, societal pressures, constant abuse from everyone in his life and complete strangers alike, a lifetime of being lied to by his mother, ect. But ig you need some way to feel morally superior to people with media literacy so have your tangents about how the movie is ableist I guess.

And it was mostly nuerotypicals making that point, which is even more annoying to me. Videos like that got so fucking big and most of the time were made by people who honestly, I don't even think saw the movie, and were white knighting on behalf of a group of people who at least in my circles, fucking love Joker.

Let autistic people speak for themselves. By speaking over us when we don't have a platform to be heard and insisting you know what we're thinking when we're capable of doing communicating that ourselves you are no different than the con artists at Autism Speaks or the ableists who think we're all non verbal and incapable of interacting with other human beings. You are doing just as much harm as any of them, if not even more because you're tricking people into believing you actually care what we think.

I'm certain plenty of autistic and neurodivergent disagree with my opinions on Joker and Big Bang Theory and thats great. But I want to hear THEIR takes on why, not yours.

That's why the rallying cry for us will always be important, because we have the constant experience of being denied a platform to speak about our own issues, even by our alleged allies. So it is now and forever shall be, Nothing about us, without us.

[cheap-jumpscare]

ranting abt being kanade yoisaki.... if ur uncomfy with doubles, scroll away !!!!!!!1

raghhhhh i need white hair and my hair needs 2 be straight n long...... sighs. i already have blue eyes n im already extremely pale so thumbs up but ugh. i shld be skinnier too and that is related :|

i cant tell if im fickin or not but i rlly do wish i looked like. me? ive even always ACTED like me. im just. Kanade Yoisaki. this is the one "just like me fr.." character that's been CONSISTENT.

i was watching a video essay my meowtual Vriska made and SIGHS yeah. its >here< btw pls watch it. very good art and a very cool survey !!

^ but in relation to that I had a mini realization sorta. if i am a kanade fictionkin then i AM just Kanade. there would be no seperation between me and Kanade Yoisaki. if i AM fictionkind then I wouldn't be a "kanade kinnie" id BE kanade. just like how Vriska's whole video is about how fickind tend to suppress their identity to be more palatable. its just so hard to figure out if i AM fickindddd :|

and even then i dont feel like id be exactly like 'canon' me. id be different. id have several traits and such that i always have said I 'headcanon' Kanade with. maybe thats just me bein a bit Sillymode but urghfghg.

im just like i am in the game. i dont go outside regularly because the sun hurts my eyes, bright lights in general suck (though this may just be because my eyes are a lighter color- qwant it its weird), im very serious about music and i do believe it CAN save people, im not very good at personal hygiene and yet inexplicably im considered ~generally~ attractive by, at the very least, my parents. I've mentioned all that before, though. Plus preferring online school.

another thing i want to say bc i feel like it. everytime i see anyone else who's also a character i Am (ex, someone else who's Kanade) i dont ever get bothered. bc my brain rationalizes it through 'multiverse theory.' TL;DR 'doubles' dont bother me because i believe in infinite alternate realities and that if someone else is also kanade then they're just a kanade from an alternate reality. does that make sense?

i still feel a disconnect between the kanade in prosekai and myself- the kanade i am. enough to where i can refer to her in the 3rd person comfortably. im not the same as her. there's differences, I can feel them. ill just refer to Kanade in the game as 'canon!kana'/'canon!me' because that's easiest;

the biggest difference between us is that, well, canon!me is human. she also isn't explicitly trans in any direction, and is also a hard worker. all of that is stuff that doesnt apply. im trans- im queer in every sense of the word. every inch of my identity is a little weird, a little 'out of the norm.' No part of me can be easily described to a lot of people. I do know, thankfully, that people in the real world can be accepting. My Nana supports xenogenders and she's in her early 70s. Granted, I am her main source of information on neurodivergency and queer identity, but I'm able to unbiasedly explain terms and gently guide her in the right direction. I would feel safe in admitting I am not human, and do not like physically being so. I'm lazy- admittedly due to depressive symptoms, but I do not like work. I generally just hate having to do physical activity- even just in-general work. The reason I'm almost-failing all of my classes in highschool is because I hate working for more than a few minutes at a time, especially consecutively.

Of course, I will say I am not a person who really experiences delusions. That isn't to say those who do are lesser or that I'm better- it's just a simple fact. I specify that because this is the 'piss on the poor' website. I can seperate my physical body right now as I physically am from my possible fictionkinnity- at this current moment I am (at the very least biologically) not a shapeshifter like I often call myself. I am human, I am biologically a perisex female, etc. I don't like to see myself like that. I am Uta, yes. But Uta isn't a human. Uta is Kanade Yoisaki. Uta is a shapeshifter. In some way or another, I am nonhuman- or otherwise 'different.' I always have been.

idk. im just kanade. i dont properly know what i mean by it, other than. well. I Am Kanade. and that's really all there is to it.lon

[spencerfuckngreid]

· T H E A R T O F G E T T I N G T O K N O W | S P E N C E R R E I D · PT 2

· Pairing: Spencer Reid/OC · Category: Fluff · Warning: None · Words: 5098 · Parts: Pt 1 · Pt 3 · Pt 4 · Summary : Eli, a psychology expert and old friend of Luke's, joins the UAC as a consultant and quickly bonds with Spencer Reid. As they delve into a complex case, Eli and Spencer find themselves drawn to each other on a deeper level. · Note about Eli: Her neurodivergence (She is autistic) is implied but it's never really said.

· Spanish on Wattpad. English isn't my first language, be kind!

· Masterlist

The case we were working on kept progressing, and with it, the pace at the BAU was becoming increasingly hectic. They had been intense days, but the truth is, I was starting to feel more comfortable within the team. And amidst all the pressure and workload, Spencer and I had begun sharing small gestures that, though seemingly insignificant, were starting to mean a lot to me.

· P O V E L I ·

That morning, I arrived at the building earlier than usual. I hadn’t slept well, my mind restless from the case and how it was affecting my daily life. I walked into the office with a desperate need for caffeine. "Ugh… My God… I’m wiped out, I need like 18 coffees…"

When I entered the bullpen, I dropped my backpack and a couple of books I was carrying onto my desk with a bit of a sigh, but when I looked up, I noticed something: a black coffee waiting for me with a small note that read, "For a great start to your day – S."

I had to make an effort to contain my smile, knowing exactly who the thoughtful gesture was from. "Okay… Relax, it’s just a coffee." Spencer and I had been working late the night before, and at some point, we had started taking turns bringing coffee or snacks for each other. What began as a practical, casual gesture had become something more meaningful, at least for me, though maybe I was just imagining things…

As soon as I finished reading the note, Spencer appeared at the door, with his usual calm stride and a book in hand.

—Good morning —he said in a relaxed tone.

—Hey… thanks for the coffee. —I replied, raising the cup in a gesture of gratitude.

—It’s nothing —he shrugged casually. —I figured after the night we had, you’d need it as much as I do.

—You guessed right —I said, taking a sip and raising my eyebrows. —You remembered how I like it.

—Remembering things is kind of my thing. —he joked —You taught me how you like it, so I just remembered —as if he needed to clarify that, maybe it was a joke, I’m not sure.

—I guess… Yeah —I responded, acknowledging the obvious. —How are you? Looks like you’ve been here since before dawn.

—Actually… I never left, I couldn’t stop thinking about some inconsistencies we found yesterday —he explained, slightly shaking the cup in his hand.

—Really? I could’ve stayed… "I definitely would’ve stayed" Did you find anything interesting? —I asked, leaning in a bit to take a look at the documents spread out on the desk.

Spencer nodded, pointing to a couple of notes scribbled in the margins of one of the sheets.

—Look at this, I was reviewing the witness statements and noticed there are discrepancies in the timelines. Two of them, who claimed to have seen the suspect at the same time, described completely different things.

I leaned against the edge of the desk, taking a sip of my own coffee as I processed the information.

—Oh… Yeah, I see. It could mean we have more than one suspect, or that the main one is manipulating events in some way to confuse us.

—Exactly —Spencer said, and I could see that gleam in his eyes, the one that always appeared when a theory started to take shape in his mind. I hadn’t been at the BAU long, but I felt like I’d known him for ages. —Let’s not rule out the possibility of an accomplice.

—I think I’ll see if I can find any similarities in past crimes, I’ve got a few ideas swirling around in my head —I suggested, feeling the satisfaction that I might actually be onto something with this and could contribute. —Maybe there’s a connection we can follow.

Spencer nodded again, his attention returning to the documents, but not before giving me another one of those small smiles that I was starting to crave seeing and, dangerously, made me feel warm inside. "Damn it, Eli, enough, get it together."

—That would be great, Eli. Thanks for your help, I think I’m a bit overwhelmed lately… and you… well, just, thanks.

My blush was completely unavoidable.

—It’s… teamwork, right? —I replied, ignoring the fact that my face probably looked like a tomato in the sun. At least I didn’t stutter. I didn’t, did I…?

The next few hours passed in comfortable concentration. Every now and then, our eyes would meet from across the room, sharing small, knowing glances that no one else seemed to notice. Although we remained focused on the work, the atmosphere between us felt different. There was a pleasant undercurrent, something that was starting to grow within those small gestures that seemed insignificant but, in reality, were becoming more and more meaningful.

My phone started ringing; it was García, asking me to join her to review some notes I had made on the profiles. I assured her I’d be there in a moment, but before I could hang up, Spencer stood up and took a step forward. I felt my throat go dry, and I had to swallow when I sensed his gaze on me.

—"Would you… like to have lunch together today?" —he asked, with a slight hesitation in his voice. —"I'd like to talk to you about an article I read on the relationship between psychopathy and impulsivity; I think it could give us some clues for, for the case."

—"Sure, I'd love to." —I replied, trying not to sound too excited ”YES, I WANT” —"Shall we meet in a bit?"

After that last brief but intense interaction, "she's always so dramatic", I headed to García’s office. I was starting to realize that things were changing; I was no longer just interested in coming to work for the challenge of solving a criminal case… The small acts of kindness and the conversations we shared had begun to build a bridge between our seemingly different yet so complementary personalities.

I went to see García, not wanting to keep her waiting. She was, as always, surrounded by screens, with her mechanical keyboard producing a soft click as her fingers moved at lightning speed.

—"Ah, Eli!" —she exclaimed when she saw me walk in. —"Come here, little genius in the making. How’s everything going?"

—"Oh, well, I’m managing better, I’m getting the hang of it, thanks for asking ‘Penélope is so nice’." —I replied, placing some reports on her desk.

—"I’m so glad! You’re adjusting quickly, aren’t you?" —García looked at me with a mix of interest and a hint of mischief.

—"Yeah… I think so. Honestly, I’m more comfortable than I thought I’d be."

—"I see…" —she said, letting her comment hang in the air while her eyes sparkled with amusement. —"And how’s it going with Doctor Genius? Still all work and no play?"

—"With… Doctor Genius…?" —I wasn’t liking the direction this conversation was taking, to be honest. —"What’s that about? We work well together, that’s all. ‘Oh my god… Am I that obvious?’"

—"Uh-huh, sure, sure," —García replied, smiling like she knew something I didn’t. —"Well, whatever it is, I’m glad you’re fitting in well. Spencer isn’t easy to impress, unless you’re me, of course. I’m a genius too, maybe even more than him."

—"Oh… uh… Thanks, I guess, Penélope. But really, we’re just working together, although I have to admit, it’s a pleasure to work with him. He’s incredibly brilliant, well, you are too, but you know what I mean. ‘A pleasure? Damn it, don’t say that! Well, it is, actually… What’s wrong with that…?’"

—"It sure is a pleasure…" —García nodded with a little grin.

· P O V S P E N C E R ·

The day went on, and as lunchtime approached, I found myself thinking about how to start a conversation with Eli. I wanted to get to know her better, but I wasn’t sure under what pretext that didn’t involve work. When we finally met in the cafeteria, I felt a bit more relaxed.

—"I hope you’re hungry," —I said as we sat down at a table by the window. —"I brought some of my favorite books on the topic I mentioned earlier."

Eli smiled, taking one of the books I offered her.

—"I thought it was an article," —she replied with a soft smile as she flipped through the book. —"Not that I’m complaining, I actually like it, always prepared."

—"Well," —I said, feeling a bit awkward with the compliment. —"Yes, here’s the article, these books expand on the information, these are related, and these... Well, these just seemed interesting." —I couldn’t help but laugh, I think I can be a bit intense sometimes.

Eli looked at me with curiosity, as if she was evaluating me, then glanced at all the material. After a moment, she smiled like she genuinely appreciated that I had brought all of it, not in a way to make me feel better, but because she was truly interested.

—"You know?" —she said, looking up from the book. —"I never thought I’d get along so well with you. At first, I thought you’d be... I don’t know..."

—"Hard to deal with?" —I asked with a self-deprecating smile.

—"Something like that," —she admitted with a soft laugh. —"Well, we all have our prejudices."

I couldn’t help but laugh too, surprised at how easy it was to talk to her.

—"I’m not the best at socializing," —I confessed, fiddling with a napkin. —"I feel more comfortable with books and data than with people, but... I don’t know, with you it’s different. It’s easier."

I could swear my comment made her a little embarrassed, that half-smile she sometimes had, which I loved, appeared.

—"Data provides security, I get it, I also find refuge in it, but..." —she said, pausing as if reflecting on her own statement. —"They’re just collections of information made by people, and people make mistakes... sometimes data, statistics, books... can be wrong, or the information evolves with society, there are advancements... etc. Maybe I’m rambling, I don’t know where I was going with this, really. I meant to say that... Well, I don’t know, I don’t remember, sorry." —She let out a small laugh as if laughing at herself.

Her brief reflection made me smile. Every little interaction we had helped me get to know her a bit more in detail, to understand how she worked, and I liked that.

—"No, no, that makes sense," —I said, looking her directly in the eyes for the first time in what seemed like a while. —"I liked your reflection, it makes me feel uneasy, but I enjoyed hearing it."

We continued talking about the case, about books, and about our personal experiences. Before I knew it, it was time to head back to the office. Eli stayed behind, reviewing some data.

The day went on, and I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach or maybe in my throat, like a knot. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. There was something about the way she worked, her willingness to help without expecting anything in return, her kindness… But there was something more, something I couldn’t quite identify.

I decided to step out for a moment to clear my head. As I walked down the hallway, I ran into Luke, who was reviewing some reports near the coffee machine.

—"Hey, Reid," —Luke greeted me when he saw me. —"How’s it going?"

—"Uh… Fine, fine," —I responded, though I knew my tone wasn’t entirely convincing.

Luke raised an eyebrow, clearly noticing that something was bothering me.

—"Alright, Reid, something’s spinning at full speed in that head of yours, and it’s already smoking. Is it about the case? We’re making good progress, honestly I’m glad Emily thought it was a good idea for Eli to collaborate, she’s being helpful."

—"Yeah, well, it was definitely the right call, she... she’s incredible." —Maybe I was being too obvious.

Luke smiled, a gesture that indicated he already knew where this was going.

—"She is... pretty incredible," —he said, nodding with a satisfied smile.

I shrugged, feeling a mix of discomfort and relief at the same time.

—"I’m not sure what’s going on, it’s just that... I’ve noticed there’s something different about the way we work together. And I don’t just mean her professional skill, which is impressive. It’s more... personal."

Luke listened silently, letting the words flow as I tried to organize my thoughts.

—"Wow, you really needed to talk..." —He said in a teasing but friendly tone, leaning against the wall to show he was ready to listen. —"Don’t worry, whatever you say stays between us."

I took a deep breath before continuing, knowing it was time to confront what I had been feeling.

—"I guess… It’s hard to explain," —I began, choosing my words carefully. —"Eli is... different. I don’t know if it’s because of the way she sees things, or because she has a way of connecting with people that makes me feel more... " —I paused, searching for the right word. —"Comfortable. It’s like, for the first time in a long time, working with someone doesn’t feel like an obligation, but like something I actually enjoy. I’ve been so... I don’t know, but with her..."

Luke nodded, as if he understood perfectly what I was trying to say.

—"So, you like spending time with her," —he concluded, without judgment. —"And that... scares you?"

—"Yeah, maybe, I’m not used to feeling this way at work. Really, anywhere. I’ve always kept a certain distance, but with Eli... it’s like that barrier just doesn’t exist. And I’m not sure if it’s something I should be worried about, or if I should embrace it."

Luke crossed his arms, thinking for a moment before responding.

—"Man, connecting with someone like that is amazing, it’s not something that happens every day, it can be a bit scary, but on the other hand, if you push it away, you might miss out on something great. You don’t have to decide anything right now. Just let things take their course. If you enjoy her company, keep going and see what happens. Although..."

His words gave me a certain sense of calm. Maybe Luke was right, maybe I didn’t need to have all the answers right away. I could let things evolve naturally, without pressure.

—"Although..." —That made me nervous.

—"She’s like a sister to me, a pain in the ass sometimes, but like a sister, so I’m warning you, if you hurt her... She can take care of herself, she’s worryingly strong and sometimes scary, so run. Especially if she looks you directly in the eyes, intensely, like... seriously, you know?"

—"Thanks… For the… warning?" —I said, feeling a bit more... concerned. Though I think I was laughing at the way he explained the intense look —"Well, aside from the danger of death... I’ll try to just, I don’t know, not overthink things, I think, if I’m even capable of that. Thanks for listening."

—"Always, man," —Luke replied with a little laugh. —"We’re here to support you. Anything you need, you know where to find me, but never tell her I told you that, okay? Eli can be a bit... well, just don’t tell her."

After our chat, I went back to the office feeling more centered but also a little confused about whether Eli might actually end my life. I reminded myself that I didn’t have to analyze every detail, something I often struggled to accept. Sometimes, things just happen, and that’s okay. Although it’s really easy to say, making it happen…

When I returned to my desk, I found Eli still working, her focus entirely on the screen. I realized there was something calming about her presence, something that made the chaos that often surrounded our work seem more manageable. I approached and sat down next to her.

—"How’s the investigation going?"

Eli looked up and smiled at me, a smile that seemed to light up the entire room.

—"I think I’ve found some patterns that could be useful," —she responded, turning the screen to show me what she had been analyzing. —"I was going through old cases, and there’s a series of crimes where the suspects used disguises or altered their appearance to confuse witnesses. Nothing exactly the same, but there are similarities that could help us understand how our unsub thinks."

I leaned forward, examining the information she had gathered. Her analysis was detailed and precise, and I could see the effort she had put into it.

—"Oh… This is really helpful, Eli," —I said, admiring her work. —"This might be what helps us move to the next step."

She nodded, satisfied with my approval.

—"I’m happy to help. Working with you has been great; I’m learning so much in such a short time. It’s like an intensive internship or something," —she joked.

I felt a warm sense of pride hearing her words. Knowing that my presence and support were helping her grow professionally made me feel like we were building something important together.

—"It’s a pleasure working with you too," —I tried to be sincere.

Eli looked at me for a moment, and suddenly I remembered what Luke had said—maybe he was right. Maybe it wasn’t just professional admiration I was feeling, and maybe I didn’t have to resist it.

When the workday finally ended, I realized I didn’t want our interaction to stop there. We had spent so many hours focused on the case that we barely had time to talk about other things, to get to know each other better outside the office environment. I decided to take a risk. Now or never.

—"Hey, Eli," —I began, trying to sound casual. —"I was thinking… I’ve been wanting to go to an exhibition at the Contemporary Art Museum that ends this weekend. I was… thinking of going, and I wondered if… if you’d like to join me…" —I could feel my confidence waning as I spoke.

Eli seemed surprised by the invitation, but her smile let me know she didn’t dislike the idea at all. Yes, it was that smile I liked. And her reaction… Well, I didn’t expect it, to be honest.

· P O V E L I ·

At the end of the day, as we were getting ready to leave the office, Spencer approached my desk. He seemed a bit nervous, which made me want to smile. "He’s adorable when he makes that face…"

—"Hey, Eli," —I think he was trying to sound casual. —"I was thinking… I’ve been wanting to go to an exhibition at the Contemporary Art Museum that ends this weekend. I was… thinking of going, and I wondered if… if you’d like to join me…" —His nervousness was becoming more and more evident.

I stayed silent for a second, surprised by the invitation. It was such a spontaneous offer that it caught me off guard, but at the same time… The truth is, I was really excited.

"Sure, sounds great" —No, that’s not what I responded, although I would have loved to sound that calm and mature for my age, let’s not forget I’m 29. What actually happened was:

—"REALLY??" —I got way more excited than I thought when he asked if I wanted to go to the museum; I’d been wanting to go for weeks and hadn’t found the time. I wasn’t really aware of my excitement, it’s hard for me to control my intensity sometimes, and I found myself in front of him, touching his arm. —"Of course, I want to go! I didn’t realize it was the deadline already, I’ve been wanting to go for weeks!"

Spencer’s smile widened slightly, his eyebrows raised, and his expression was more like disbelief. "Way to go, Eli, he invites you out, and you act like a ten-year-old with a lollipop, ugh… stop, stop being yourself for a moment and act… act normal, damn it…"

—"I’ll pick you up on Saturday at… ten, maybe?" —He had one eyebrow raised and a slightly amused smile, as if my reaction entertained him.

—"Sounds perfect," —I replied, this time containing my absurd excitement.

We said our goodbyes, and as I walked to my car, I couldn’t help but smile. "AHHHHHHH" —I got into the car, and when I grabbed the steering wheel, I think I screamed a little, I probably looked like a teenager. Even after acting like an idiot, he kept the invitation, I couldn’t believe it.

Saturday took an eternity to arrive, but we both seemed eager for it. He sent me related articles, and we talked about the subject during meals. When Saturday finally came and Spencer arrived to pick me up, the initial awkwardness quickly disappeared. The museum was fascinating, full of pieces that sparked interesting debates between us. We talked about the meaning behind the works but also veered into more personal topics at times.

—"I’ve always found contemporary art hard to understand…" —Spencer admitted while we observed an abstract sculpture. —"It’s like it’s designed to confuse rather than communicate something concrete." —He said with a confused expression.

I smiled at his comment. “I love it when he makes that face… Aww” —"That’s what I like about it. It forces you to think outside the box, to question what you see and feel. Abstract art was born to oppose established norms. The birth of photography was a huge revolution; when it was no longer necessary to faithfully represent pompous society… Artists could be free to challenge social conventions."

He looked at me with an intensity that made me feel a little nervous. But since he didn’t interrupt me, I let myself go.

—"Sometimes art… the beauty of it, is letting yourself be carried away by its forms and colors, assuming that you can’t control it and that what it tells you might not be what you perceive because your sociocultural and emotional context isn’t the same as the artist’s. I mean… I’m talking too much, but y-you get my point, right? “You don’t even understand it yourself, how is someone else going to understand it…” I wasn’t sure if what I was saying was convincing him or boring him. I usually held back when I liked a topic; I always had the feeling that I bored people when I talked, so I got used to that, to being quiet more than talking. I don’t know why I felt so comfortable with him. “Of course you’re talking too much… shh”

—"You mean that maybe I need to learn to stop trying to find a concrete meaning in everything, a reason, and just enjoy it."

—"Yeah, I guess so, that sounds good." —I laughed. —"When I talk, it sounds much more… chaotic."

We continued exploring the museum, but as we went on, the atmosphere between us became increasingly relaxed and comfortable. There was something about the way our conversations flowed that made everything seem natural, as if we had always been friends.

When we finally left the museum, we decided to continue the afternoon in a small nearby bookstore. Spencer and I shared a fascination for books, and spending time in a bookstore was the perfect ending to an already special day.

· P O V S P E N C E R ·

The walk after leaving the museum was pleasant, full of conversations about topics that had nothing to do with work. In fact, work was the one thing we didn’t talk about all day. We discussed books, music, places we wanted to visit someday. I was surprised by how easy it was to talk with Eli, without any effort.

—"Do you have a favorite book?" —I asked as we walked leisurely, without any particular direction.

—"Yes, I do," —she responded quickly, smiling at the question. —"The End of Eternity by Asimov."

I don’t know why it surprised me that she liked Isaac Asimov.

—"It’s not one of his most highly regarded books."

—"Are you surprised, or is it just me? That book is amazing, it has everything, it’s… perfect."

I couldn’t help but be completely captivated, always so enthusiastic about everything she likes, you can’t help but feel infected by it. —"It’s a great book, that’s true."

The sun was starting to set, tinting the sky with shades of orange and pink as we continued walking peacefully.

—"Thank you for inviting me today, Spencer," —we were heading towards the subway station. —"I really needed this. Starting at the BAU has been intense, and this… I needed it."

—"I cleared my throat, looking away for a second, feeling a warmth in my chest that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. —"I needed it too. Sometimes it’s… easy to forget that there’s a world outside of work."

We stayed silent for a moment, walking side by side, and I couldn’t help but think that there was something more in this silence, something that didn’t need to be said but that we both felt. It was a connection that was beginning to take shape, but we didn’t dare express it in words.

When we reached the station, Eli and I stopped, realizing that our routes diverged here. However, neither of us seemed ready to say goodbye just yet.

—"Spencer," —Eli said, breaking the silence. —"Um… I wanted to tell you something…"

—"You can tell me anything," —I replied softly, leaning slightly toward her to show that I was ready to listen.

Eli seemed to hesitate for a moment, as if searching for the right words. Finally, she took a deep breath and spoke.

—"Well, it’s nothing special, just…" —she said, nervously —"Since I joined the team, I’ve felt a bit out of place, and I… sometimes feel like I have to prove something. But with you, it’s been different. I feel comfortable, like I don’t have to try so hard to be accepted."

The sincerity of her words touched me more than I expected. I knew how difficult it could be to fit into a team like ours, where the pressure was constant and the expectations high. I felt a wave of empathy for her and a need to let her know that she wasn’t alone.

—"I understand how you feel. But from day one, you’ve proven to be a valuable part of the team."

Eli smiled, but it was a shy smile, as if she wasn’t used to receiving that kind of praise.

—"Oh, okay, well… Thank you," —she said quietly. —"…For making it easy for me…"

—"I haven’t had to make it easy, it’s been easy." —I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. —"It’s not common for me to feel comfortable with someone. Usually, I’m pretty… reserved," —I added with a conspiratorial smile, scratching my neck. Eli laughed softly, nodding.

—"Yes, I’ve noticed," —she said in a playful tone. —"But I like that part of you. There’s something comforting in knowing that you don’t have to talk all the time for things to make sense. Silence with you never feels awkward."

We stood there, at the entrance of the station, while the flow of people came and went around us. It seemed like the whole world was in motion, but the two of us were in a bubble, a moment suspended in time.

Finally, I broke the silence, finding the courage to go further.

—"Maybe we could do this more often," —I suggested, hoping I didn’t sound too eager. —"Go out and talk about things that aren’t related to work, I mean… It doesn’t have to be anything formal, just… more of… well, this."

Eli looked at me, and I could have sworn there was a small smile on her lips.

—"I’d like that," —she replied, her voice soft, almost shy.

I nodded, and I think I held back a sigh of relief and joy. I had the feeling that in just a few hours, something had changed between us. Something that, though still subtle, was taking shape with every small gesture, with every word shared.

We said goodbye with a smile, knowing that what we had started today wouldn’t stop there. There was a mutual understanding.

As I headed home, I couldn’t stop thinking about Eli, about how easy it had been to open up to her, about how much I wanted to spend more time together. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was on the right track, not just in my career but also in my personal life. Although it might be that I was getting ahead of myself, at that moment, that’s how I felt.

· P O V E L I ·

On Monday, when I arrived at the office, I found a small note on my desk next to a coffee. The handwriting was Spencer’s, and as I read it, I couldn’t help but smile, biting my lip. As if that would somehow contain the redness of my cheeks.

"Thank you for Saturday, it was amazing. Here’s a little gift, something I thought you’d like. - S"

Next to the note was a book, carefully wrapped. I unwrapped it with curiosity and found a beautiful edition of my favorite book, "The End of Eternity" by Isaac Asimov. I think my heart was beating so fast that I almost had a heart attack. “Oh my god… I’m dying…” Not only had he listened to what I said, but he had also made an effort to let me know that he was willing to share something that was important to me.

“…He’s adorable.”

· Requests via DM ·

[kaonarvna]

I finally did it: I found the spoons to make an actionable (and semi-gameified) visual representation of spoon theory that I can actually use.

I've been thinking about doing this for months, and I've posted about it once or twice.

But, I finally did it, I made these bad boys for myself:

I have Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Which is to say, my body is very poorly held together, in a lot of pain, easily exhausted, and easily injured. I'm at the point now where I've had every intervention under the sun, nearly a decade of physio, we've found the best pharmacological interventions for me, and...we just have to get by. It's hard, it is, but it's the only mode of existing I know.

Maybe it's because I'm an aphantasiac, maybe it's because I'm (more than) a bit neurodivergent, but spoon theory has always been a little too abstract for me. I grew up on JRPGs (cough final fantasy has me in a choke hold), so putting things into just...stat bars and a table of effects, items, etc is more accessible to my fatigued, pained little brain. This is familiar. This makes sense to me.

Who needs an arbitrary amount of spoons, when you can have 200 HP & MP?

There's twenty notches in between the bars, so I can more accurately knock off health/mp as it ticks down. I teach in a primary school (children who only come up to my hip, mostly!), so you bet I've printed and laminated these, and have them slapped up somewhere I can easily see and access with velcro. If I can't see it? It doesn't exist. I can easily use a dry erase marker to take off my health/mp as I self-evaluate through the day, and start fresh the next.

「 As of this post going live, I've been using this for about a week! The MP drain seems accurate to life give or take, and the HP bar has been a good representation of just...the state of mess I'm in. There are injuries and "real life debuffs" that aren't on the list, but -20HP/-20MP has been a safe bet for those. The A4 is for at home, and one of the A5s follows me to work/out and about in my BUJO! 」

And it's not perfect, of course it's not! I'll probably tweak my board in a month or two. But, maybe just having a list of the things I can do to help myself right in front of me will help. Maybe, being able to show it to my spouse will help them help me better. It's worth a try. Bullet journalling and visual timetables are lifesavers, but they can only communicate so much at once.

I've made a blank version, in the event anyone wants to download it and fill it in for themselves.

This link should let you access a view-only version in canva. I'd imagine you should be able to make a copy and do it yourself! If not, don't hesitate to let me know and I'll try to find a workaround.

Hopefully this might help one or two busy-brained people like me manage their energy and pace their bodies a little bit better. Or, at the very least, give them a starting point for making their own resources.

[barely-coherent]

What Class 1-A smells like

A/N- It's here y'all

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

YUGA AOYAMA

Smells, for lack of a better term, feminine

There's of course the smallest trace of cheese but we don't talk about that

We do not tolerate Aoyama Yuga slander in this household 😤

But he smells like really expensive feminine perfume

There's like floral scents along with this hint of almost sweetness?

MINA ASHIDO

Girl is spicy

Not too much

It's residual acid that adds the spiciness

But other than that

She smells like candy

You know the smell of strawberry taffy?

She smells like that

ASUI TSUYU

Ever been out by a lake at night with the crisp, cool air and you can't help but breathe in deeply?

That

She smells like nature

She reminds you of lazy days, sitting with your legs in the lake

TENYA IIDA

I'm not gonna lie to y'all

He smells like smoke and sweat

His engines are part of his body, naturally he's gonna smell like an engine

And that reciprocal burst?

That works up a SWEAT

He's very hygienic though

He showers often because he can't tarnish the Iida name by smelling bad

So you can always smell the exhaust but more often than not, you smell his soap too

He uses that dawn bar soap though

OCHAKO URARAKA

She smells like how bubbles make you feel

Just the simple euphoria that popping bubbles brings

She smells like that

That's just how she smells, I don't make the rules

MASHIRAO OJIRO

Mans smells like the "clean laundry" scent of deodorant

You can also smell hair gel

Cause you can tell his hair is PACKED DOWN

That shit is going NOWHERE

Wouldn't doubt if you told me his hair is just full of glue

I haven't seen a single strand out of place this whole damn series

DENKI KAMINARI

He smells... burnt?

Okay, probably not, but have you ever been electrocuted?

He smells like how that feels

If y'all haven't been electrocuted... I can't help you

If you have a taser you can like use it on yourself? For like 0.1 second and you'll get it

EIJIRO KIRISHIMA

I love this man but you cannot deny that he uses axe body spray

Fortunately he doesn't use a shit load

He uses just as much as he needs and that's it

Thank fuck, am I right?

Once he was like "I should ask Todoroki to make a flame thrower!"

And Todoroki was like "No"

Shut him down immediately

KOJI KOUDA

VERY STRONGLY OF PINE WOOD

THERE I SAID IT 😤

He trains his quirk by being outside and talking to animals, of course he's gonna smell like he's outside

RIKIDO SATO

He smells sweet, like sugar

His quirk relies on baking and sugar, he's gotta smell at least a little like sugar

But it probably makes him smell like freshly baked pastries and such

MEZO SHOJI

I like to imagine he smells like sage and cinnamon

He just gives off sage and cinnamon vibes

I dunno what to tell you

Look at that man and tell me he doesn't smell like that

Try and tell me he doesn't smell earthy

Try and say he doesn't smell warm

KYOKA JIRO

Ever met that alt girl in your high-school class?

Everyone is scared of her but then she's the sweetest girl you've ever met?

You know the one

They all smell the same

I'm only saying this because every "alt baddie" I've ever met...

They know I'm neurodivergent

They know that I find comfort with aromatherapy

THEY ALL SMELL THE SAME BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT

HANTA SERO

I heavily subscribe to the latino Sero theory

He smells like traditional Spanish cooking

You can smell the saffron and paprika

Occasionally you get a whiff of cumin

He smells good, that's all I'm gonna say

FUNIKAGE TOKOYAMI

If I hear anyone say he doesn't smell like charcoal I'm gonna lose it

He gives off STRONG charcoal and mint vibes

I can't explain it, I just feel it in my soul

He smells like charcoal and mint and I stand by that

SHOTO TODOROKI

He also gives mint vibes

Maybe like mint and cinnamon?

Either way, it's a sharp scent

Who knows, maybe he uses mint body wash and cinnamon toothpaste

But either way he has a very sharp smell about him

TORU HAGAKURE

She smells like... nothing

I feel like she'd have to

Like, her quirk relies entirely on her being undetectable

If she smells strongly of something, people are bound to notice

Not very helpful if she's trying to sneak around

KATSUKI BAKUGOU

I'm about to say something basic

And I'm also about to get way too scientific

So he sweats the equivalent of nitroglycerin right?

Well, a fun fact about nitroglycerin...

It smells somewhere between caramel and burnt sugar

He smells like CARAMEL

BREAKING NEWS: BAKUGOU FUCKING KATSUKI SMELLS LIKE CARAMEL

Supposedly it also tastes like caramel

You're welcome Bakugou nation

IZUKU MIDORIYA

Let's be real, this man probably smells like baby powder

Baby powder or gym chalk

Probably a touch of something else that you would find in deodorant

Probably like the "fresh breeze" one or something

If there was like an All Might merch deodorant, he'd do that

He's such a fan boy hsjdjhdhd

MINORU MINETA

I don't wanna spend too much time on this

He smells like grapes

He also probably ordered that cologne that was like "it has pheromones in it!"

And then it didn't work for him

That's it

MOMO YAOYOROZU

She's got that brand name shit

But she probably smells like tea leaves

Like, she's lowkey a tea enthusiast

Remember when she made tea for the entirety of class 1A?

It's hard for me to imagine that was a one time thing

She has expensive perfume and smells subtly of tea

A queen