#needed to vent tonight and put my thoughts somewhere

[trickster-shi]

Writing Ramble

Started a new original project that's been percolating on a backburner for a while. Taking elements I loved writing in some of my fanfics and exploring them in new ways, so that's helping. Also been playing around with some new and simpler ways of outlining/plotting and so far it's really helping? And that feels really nice, and not exactly easy but still fun.

I finished a 30k first draft of Zander's story and like what I learned from it, but it needs an overhaul. It's also intrinsically woven together with Fred and Taz's series, since Zander comes directly after theirs ends, so it's going to be a Big Project to undertake. Knowing that, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my original projects and have been mentally re-ordering how I want to work on them.

My main goal is to start publishing them, so I need to write the stories that I can finish faster than the Fred & Taz/Zander sagas. I also want to take my time with those because of how extensive the mythology and worldbuilding is in them. I don't want to push them out prematurely.

So far, for the month of August, I've written 17k. That's mostly on outlines, background, worldbuilding, and false starts where I started writing but those chapters didn't work and I went back to the drawing board. I think I may have figured out the issues, though, and I've started chapter one again. It's currently 3k and it's flowing pretty well.

I'm hoping to have the first draft done in a couple months. Ideally, I'd love it to be done before that but I'm giving myself breathing room because the day job really saps my mental energy so I'm still trying to find a good balance in taking care of the thinking engine because I do not want to burn out again.

This story feels like the perfect one to start with. Given how much I love writing Sterek and Home Across the Universe, it's a mage/werewolf romance with a healthy dose of trauma, snark, and mystery regarding blurred memories and deeply held misconceptions. I'm working on reminding myself to be indulgent with it, because I noticed that it was so freeing when I did that with fanfic, yet I fall into the rut with original works where I pull back from that indulgence and try to be too logical with it. That really kills the flow and I end up second guessing myself and getting bored.

Boredom with my words is the surest way to derail writing sessions. So I'm really having to work on loosening up and seeking out things that would be fun to explore or add in. I think part of the problem is that I got used to a certain audience when posting Home Across the Universe. I learned what they liked and what they wanted and how to give it to them while still staying true to the story I was creating.

It's kind of hard to do that with an original work no one is going to see until it's all the way finished. Having that continuous feedback with every chapter posting helped negate the second guessing.

But it's going to happen. One way or another I'll figure out how to knock that obstacle down, I just wish I could do it without so much mental exhaustion. But, all in all, I have a good feeling about this new project. I like the feel of the world and the main guys are settling into solid characters with distinct voices and arcs. And I have a ton of angst and hurt/comfort planned to roll out. It should be enough for at least three books, if not more, I'm thinking. But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

[zeondraws]

It is 4AM in the morning, I should hit the bed asap. But I needed some time on my own tonight, because I've been supressing feelings way too much the past months. (Thought post about random thoughts, no clue if they make sense it's 5AM when I post this)

I found it really hard to talk to friends about my emotions as of recent. One reason might be, that I still suffer some pain I endured from the old work enviroment.

Somehow I often just want to be left alone, I feel very drained most of the time. But that often leads to a loop effect and I isolate myself further.

Like, at the old workplace I was expected to do something constantly, if I wasn't working on anything for over 3min I'd get scolded or yelled at. Or my coworker would become an adult baby and behave strangely. The other coworkers never saw anything wrong with him, so I was extremely afraid that everyone else had something against me. My old boss would side with him from time to time. The constant demand to stay productive was so draining.

In the end I got replaced, I mean I thankfully found a new job by then. But a new person came in, another inexperienced young person who seemed nice and all. Not sure how she is doing in that place, either she fits right in, or my coworker is making her endure the same pain, or he just overworks himself as he usually does. A person who had my job before I came, became extremely demotivated there and simply left to another workplace.

I try to explain this a bit to highlight some difficulties I am experiencing atm... I don't talk to family about my feelings that much. I tried but, they get easily offended if I vent too much. I have no called my dad back in a while, I already know when I call him back he will only be offended. Or maybe I am spiraling rn. My head makes things appear worse than they actually are.

You guys see how much stuff I have been doing on tumblr the past months or so. I don't remember how long it's been, but... I am still in this mindset of constantly working and staying productive. I rest when I can but I always get the feeling "I have to stay productive" and work on stuff, even when I am sick. In a way it helps to not fall into thoughht spirals, tho then I don't give myself enough space to rest.

I don't know what my end goal with this endless productivity is supposed to be, I want to be helpful in some way and feel like I belong somewhere. But even right now I feel like something is missing... I can't grasp this thought, I don't know what my end goal is. Been messing with fmodel so much to get the game work on this for datamining, I posted a thread on the fmodel server and they said the game is fully working with it. Which suprised me, that I was able to achieve that. Was I the first one to do so? I always thought there is someone better than me already. I often just think I will be some replaceable object, where someone else just takes my place. And this thought... spirals in a way- where I think very less of me. Stuff like I will be forgotten anyways or hmm someone better comes.

My family treated me like an object at times, not letting me decide what to do. Old coworker did the same and I am expected to just agree to everything they say. I tried extremely hard to fight back at the old workplace but I was always met with a wall.

Sometimes I would struggle venting to friends, because when I felt the lowest I get very clingy. I think when I saw Muir in game I noticed some similarity in him in me for example. Even tho I hate to admit that thought, but I have gotten way better at being less clingy. Maybe it's because I grew up a bit more. I definitely ain't the same like 4 years ago. But not to sidetrack too much... sometimes I would vent to friends and they'd bombard me with advice or, maybe some advice felt off for me. One friend once said that we're replaceable (job related) and that didn't sit right with me. Some of this advice would put me off so much that I would stop talking about my feelings with anyone, or just one small friendgroup. But I don't mention a lot there. I think... I think what I can see with myself is, I distance myself so much from everyone, I don't dm people to have a normal chat (I think I get very confused when I hear people dm each other all the time, what do people dm each other for...?I wouldn't know what to talk about), maybe I hang out on servers. I don't want to look at my main phone because suddenly so much makes me nervous again. I want to be alone the entire time and the meds stop some emotions from popping up.

So I have random outbursts where I would cry. and I really need to sit down after sleep and find a new group therapy.. today

I put ridiculous standards on myself sometimes, not wanting to appear weak and appear "professional". But my imagination of being professional is basically be emotionless and work without problems. Tho this doesn't make sense, perhaps I worry too much since I noticed some people really like what I do here. And I don't want to let people down in that regard. but I don't know how.

Earlier I was debating on wether it is strong if I show my weakness or if it's better to hide it. Tho hiding doesn't bring much for me, it's rather bad.

Yknow an earlier post where I mentioned I really like Roper? I get the feeling one of the reasons I find him interesting is, because the way he appears. He doesn't seem to show emotions that much, rather monotone and seems to be a hard working individual. Who sadly needs to do way more because Rennick makes things more difficult. Tho like, even if you see him in Marine Control later... he just suffers in silence. Ain't like Trots who went full bananas, or Muir feeling extremely anxious and all. Or Addair wanting to call his kids and Rennick just flat maniac. Roper just, sits there and tries to avoid saying much. Only thing he says is to keep Rennick away. Maybe the deleted soundfile of the scene says otherwise, but in my view it feels like idk he just ain't somebody who would talk about his feelings. Maybe Roper is some visual imagination of what I think a professional is, but I think he probably has different problems that could be way worse. Suppressing feelings is not good, I still have a lot to work on, on myself.

I am sadly getting too tired to continue this string of thoughts...I always feel very awkward posting my feelings on the web. I wouldn't know where else to thow them.

I will post something silly after sleep. I made some dumb screenshots ingame that literally made me giggle for half an hour ioudhwioeu. Okay, goodnight

[fleshengine]

okay I feel terrible but instead of doing the things that feeling terrible makes me want to do I'm going to talk about it because that's all I'm good for. This is going to be vent-y again, and probably long so have this cut for your trouble. No obligation to read, I just need to type it somewhere.

I don't want to post anymore. I don't want to reblog I don't want to talk to people I want people to think I died. I don't know exactly why I want this. I think maybe I want people to know I'm sad and feel bad for me? It's definitely a pattern I've noticed, when I feel bad I reclusify myself and wait for people to check on me. I've been indulging in this behavior already. If I've seemed quiet tonight that's because I'm been putting everything in my queue. I also paused my queue already.

I want to make a post basically rping a robot rebooting, going through my current status and how I'm feeling. This is new, I don't normally think about that. Additionally it's sort of in the context of "after not posting for days, make a post about restarting and feeling terrible but make it thematic." It's in the same vein of making people pity me.

Here I am doing not those things. instead I'm going to continue to post because believe it or not I think tumblr has a net positive on my mental health. I really care about a lot of you people and I think if I avoided tumblr for days it would make the situation worse. I'm going to continue on with my life you know?

It's okay to feel sad and angry, it's not okay to let it rule you and I have a habit of letting particular sources of sadness rule me. I don't owe my mom anything anymore. Certainly not my time and thoughts. Maybe I can get over it and be her kid again. Maybe I won't ever. Maybe I'll drive up to her place some day and make her beg for her life down the barrel of the 357 magnum she keeps on her dresser. I don't know.

What I do know is that I've let her ruin too many of my days. Too many times has a call or a text from her sent me spiralling. I can't change her but I can change me and I'm going to change for the better, the stronger. I'm going to stand up straight, smile, and move on with my life.

I love myself too much to not at least try to be uplifting.

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Something that really irritates me is nights like tonight

Where something small and innocuous to anyone else just gets into my head

I was a lot slower cleaning and recipe testing and even now showering and getting ready for bed because

After dinner while cleaning up I dropped a ladle and got some stains on my trousers

Tiny stains, no one else would even notice them

But I kept stopping to try to see them, cleaned it off, kept stopping to sniff and debate whether I should change my clothes now because I had JUST changed into new clothes today and now it’s stained

And it’s tiny. It’s nothing. This is not something that would typically bother a person I know that

But it kept slowing me down. Because then I was doing my tasks while thinking of whether I should change, pro con list, can I find clothes that coordinate with the colours of my underwear as well and will it be an outfit that matches and will it be practical for going out tomorrow and how much does practical weigh against coordinated colours and clean clothes and wait I’m changing clothes tomorrow anyway couldn’t I be patient and just deal with it til tomorrow

And around and around

For the past…. 4 hours.

But this is just… one of the things I obsess over on a daily basis. Why I used to think I was OCD when I was younger, germaphobic etc but it would be over things that weren’t about germs just neatness and cleanliness. I also don’t have any rituals it’s very much like

Specific things have to be a specific way

Not OCD, more likely autism.

And I think this is where I start to see how autism is disabling.

Not too severe, it doesn’t hurt me, but it gets in the way. It’s like trying to walk fast somewhere but there’s someone walking very slowly in front of you and every time you try to move around them they walk in front of you

Now I’m overstimulated and overwhelmed. I came to a decision, but I kept pausing on my tasks, staring off into space or looking at my phone without really…. Looking at it, just essentially stimming I think because I kept opening the apps and closing them again, while trying to think of what to do

Even though I knew I was tired and I need to get up early

And even now I’ve made my decision but I have this nagging feeling that I didn’t consider something and did not make the best possible decision

So I decided to write this post venting about it, and maybe getting some thoughts from other autistic people (like whether it’s autism or more trauma related broken brain things, which I don’t know how it could be but the possibility exists) about their experiences

And I just needed to… to express all this somewhere. I don’t often think too much about how my quirks and idiosyncrasies are… disabling. My social autistic behaviour, yes I do consider because it’s the main way I feel it, the isolation for years and the effort I put in to comprehend and adjust to situations and people. It’s not as direct however, the autism means I need to put more effort in when socialising, to mask or to connect, but the toll it takes is after the fact

In this case, my quirk of obsessive tidiness directly gets in the way of my main tasks. My focus.

Perhaps this is why it was and is so easy for me to slip into an eating disorder. I don’t necessarily like rules, but I like following rules. I like following my rules, and an eating disorder is just a set of rules constantly cycling through your head. What better rules than rules for a ‘perfect body’, of course I’d follow them to the letter

I guess if that’s true and my more stringent behaviours led to my ED then… even more clarity on how these traits can be disabling it seems.

*sighs*

*sinks into bed*

[bananafire11]

vent

please dont read if youre not in the right space rn. heavy on anger and feels. just wanna type it out somewhere and this blog is my safe space so

i am so fucking angry right now. like the kind of anger thats pent up and bubbles beneath the skin and is ready to implode out at any fucking second and i hate it so much. i dont feel like i have very good reasons for feeling this way either. or maybe im downplaying those reasons, i dunno

i dont want to bother any of my friends with this shit. i feel guilty because ik they have their OWN struggles. ik feeling this way is silly because i help them through so much, and am so glad to do so. but theres always this doubt.

anyway. on discord, i put my status on DNIUC sometimes because i just need space and ik that most of my close friends will see this and know to be careful that day. or if they text and im slow to respond, ik they understand. but theres these friends who KEEP spamming. and its driving me FUCKING MAD. one, who is very close and gosh i love them so much, sends me so much every day. youd think after the first few times i didnt respond, he'd get the fucking jist and think "ill stop there" but instead he KEEPS ON. ITS OVERWHELMING. and the subject of these texts isnt bad or anything, but its always about him and his bf. i dont have the energy to talk about them 24/7. im beyond happy for him, that hes happy. but FUCK. im asexual and never have been in a relationship, and sometimes it feels like a fuckyou to me?? ik he doesnt mean it that way at all!! but!!! idk, sometimes its like theres a longing for a bf of my own. but i dont want to settle. ill wait for the right boy. right now, hes not here. and im not actively looking for a relationship, i have so much shit going on. so, i usually ignore this guys dms as long as i can. i feel guilty, but at the same time fucking furious that i even have to do it in the first place, if that makes sense. i love him dearly, but it's forced me to just put my status on 'invisible' so it looks like im offline. better to avoid people, ig.

theres another guy, who isnt as close, but ive made great friends with thus far in the time ive met him over a game i enjoy. but again, doesnt know when to stop. why are you texting me when it says dniuc!!! YOU ARENT CLOSE. ive explained 'close' is friends ive known for a year or so, which isnt exactly true actually... but i needed to tell him something that wouldnt hurt his feelings. after i clarified for the second time, he let up. but still. people are fucking annoying and its so FRUSTRATING that i love them because that makes shit so complicated.

then, family. ive been snowed in with my mom and sister for over a fucking week and I NEED OUT. i never thought id say this but I WANT TO BE AT SCHOOL. AWAY FROM HOME. my neighbors, who are more so aunt and uncle to me and my sister, let me go over and stay hours with them when i need it. but i dont feel like trecking thru the fking snow to get there. last night i stayed over and watched a favorite movie of mine with them and it was great, but having the energy to do that feels exhausting tonight.

im trying to distract myself with art, but its not working like it normally does. and its goddamn hard. tried videogames, youtube, but nothing is bringing me true relief. but i dont want to sleep either. ugh.

vent art, anger.

[worddevourer]

AFK

My friend’s been AFK in the discord chat for 10 minutes.  He said he’d be back, just a trip to the bathroom.  I guess he’s distracted, I could kick him, queue up, but I’ll wait for a few. It’s a shame, if I’m honest, the update’s just out, and the longer we wait, the more likely something turns out unstable, and the game goes offline.

My friend’s been AFK in the discord chat for 2 hours.  I gave up after an hour of waiting, and left him deafened and muted alone. I joked about it with my friends that he’s not going to get much socializing alone in chat like that.  He’s been marked as idle for a while now, so I can’t help wondering where he’s gone.

My friend’s been AFK in the discord chat for a day.  Despite my best efforts, I can’t help being a little bit worried.  He’s online probably more than he should be, but now his account icon hasn’t shifted from a little yellow circle saying he’s idle.  This is the day of the week where we pull up the watch-together channel and the whole server watches dumbass memes together.  We use a different channel tonight.

My friend’s been AFK in the discord chat for two weeks.  There are thoughts at the back of my head that I haven’t put in chat, even in the vent channel.  I already know I’m not the only one thinking it.  We don’t use that voice channel now.  Instead, we use the one we named ‘barnacle-brain-refuge’ after needing somewhere to kick someone while he was drunk off his ass.  We could kick him from the general channel, but we don’t.  Somehow, it feels better to see him there than the alternative.

My friend’s offline.  We don’t know why.  There were thunderstorms in the area he lives in.  It could be that his computer lost power.  I want to call check the outage reports in his area, but I only know he’s in Iowa.  I don’t have an address, or even a zip code.  He never shared his phone number.  He never needed to.  It’s stupid to worry, of course; he’s just a guy I friended because he could play support like a god, and we needed someone like that to queue with.

My friend’s still offline.  It’s been two months now, and a friend who doesn’t post often asked where he went.  We had to tell him the truth; we don’t know.  We don’t know how to find out.  We have a first name, a user id.  No other shared servers.  No outside connections.  I’ve stopped expecting him to come back.

My friend’s offline.  It’s been a year, and we never said goodbye.  We don’t know what happened.  All we know is that he’s gone.  He still has his server roles, including the one that’s just an insult.  He’s still got permission to tell the music bots what to play, even though the music bot we were using got banned off of discord.  Even his avatar is still that dumb edit we made of his favorite character offering the viewer weed.  It’s just an offline username in the sidebar, but I can’t bring myself to touch it.  When he walked away from the keyboard, what happened?  I’ve run the question back and forth through my skull until it’s 2AM and I know I’ll be exhausted at work, but I never get an answer.

I never will.

[inner-visionz]

Magic City (2d x autistic transboy reader)

Morning after part 1

Start from the beginning

"So? How was it?" Ace asks me as we walk back to the house.

"It was...interesting" I reply.

"Was is really?" He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets.

"Yeah, it was surprisingly"

"Must've been good at her job then"

"We just talked but it wasn't like a fake conversation that they'd normally give, it was genuine"

"That's it?"

"I like actually having a conversation and not have some bimbo try to get into my pants"

"That's true, no more child support bills"

"I think I'm gonna head back tomorrow"

We walk back to the house and go in.

"Did you two have fun?" Noodle asks with a smile on her face.

Ace and I look at each other and nod.

"What happened?" She asks.

"Luv, I'd like to tell you about it but I'm very tired" I say.

She pouts. "Awe okay but you better tell me tomorrow".

" I will I promise " I smile and start to walk upstairs. I get to my room and close the door behind me. My room is an absolute mess. No matter where we are it's always a mess. Clothes are scattered everywhere, papers on the floor and my desk, coffee mugs on my desk with empty cigarette packs. Right in the middle of the mess is my lyric journal.

I pick it up and skim through all the little doodles and everything. I look in the back and look at the ripped in half #FREEMURDOC sticker. I slowly trace my finger over it.

I miss Murdoc.

No, I don't. He was abusive.

But I still miss him.

UGH, I DON'T MISS HIM!

I slam the journal down and run my fingers through my hair. I need a drink. I know I said I was tired but I need to go out. I go down stairs and walk out the door then go to the pub. Once I get there I guess I drink like there's no tomorrow then black out.

-the next day-

I wake up on a couch in an unfamiliar setting. The living room is very light like a light color scheme. Egg shell white walls, grey furniture, coffee table in the middle of the floor, and a hanging plant by the window. I don't know who's flat I'm in but at least I still have my clothes on and not waking up beside someone. I can smell waffles being made.

My head is pulsing though not as bad as I thought it would be. I wonder what happened last night? A soft singing voice comes from the kitchen. I slowly get up and start to walk to the kitchen. As I get closer I recognize they're singing (favorite Gorillaz song). I get to the kitchen and see (y/n) standing there, messy hair, cooking in an over sized shirt and basketball shorts. I smile and lean against a wall.

"Ello luv" I say.

She jumps and looks at me. "Jesus christ don't scare me!"

I chuckle at her. "Sorry I didn't mean to. But uh not to be straight forward but how did I get here?"

"Oh well, you were shit faced drunk and came to Magic City. You didn't have your phone on you, we did not have Ace's number to call him soo I took you back to my place. I'm sorry I really didn't know what to do with you and I did not just want to leave you somewhere I mean you were fucked up. Anyway, once we got back I set you on the couch but you put me beside you and laid your head on my lap and started to cry about Murdoc. Long story short I was up until 3 am listening to you vent and making you drink water so you wouldn't have a bad hangover".

I'm taken back by this. She done all this even though we just met. "Thank you for everything. How much did I tell you?"

"Enough to know that he put you in a lot of messed up situations". She sighs. "Anyway, there's food on the table and water so stay hydrated so you don't get a headache". She smiles brightly at me.

I sit down where a plate of food is. "Thank you luv"

"No problem. You coming back to Magic City tonight?" She asks.

"To see you? Of course" I say taking a sip of water.

"I promise I'll look better than I do right now". She chuckles.

"I think you look fine right now", I say as I take a bite of the waffles she made.

"Oh I know", she says confidently. She starts to make herself a bowl of cereal then grabs her coffee mug so she can sit at the table with me.

Wow, I give a compliment to a fan and they don't fish for more?

"Cocky little thing aren't you?"

This makes her blush. "Only sometimes, now eat".

"You know, these waffles are really good", I say as I shovel another bite in my mouth.

"Well they came from a box I shouldn't get all the credit", she says as she finishes her cereal.

I give her a puzzling look only because I was expecting a thank you of some sort. Y/n takes notice of this and I see a twinge of an 'oh no' look.

"Oh, I mean thank you"

"How do you forget to say thank you? Uh sorry that was a little blunt"

She shrugs and leans back in her seat. "It's okay, I just forget sometimes".

I feel like I just made this awkward.

"So umm what are you into?" I ask, trying to redirect the conversation.

She giggles from sensing that I tried to change the awkward topic. "Do you mean hobbies or kinks?" She smirks at me. It's a playful smirk because she knows she's messing with me.

I feel my cheeks start to hurt from blushing so much. But I decide to mess with her back. "I..erm hobbies, you'll have to surprise me with the other info next time I have you to myself". I wink at her.

Now her face is red. "Man, you got me good I wasn't expecting that", she chuckles nervously. "Umm I really like to draw, I'll have to show you them sometime".

She's so fun to mess with. I want to make her even more flustered...

No, no get the idea out of your head 2D.

"I'd love to see them".

[jadejetts]

aagh!! big ol vent so feel free to skip if youre not into that biz thoughts about wanting to make music and not being able to do that

i need to make more music!! (i say more bc ive made small little pieces before) but like!! the current way i do it feels way too slow and i end up losing my energy to do so way before i get anything substantial done >:[ though a major part of that losing energy bit definitely has to do with not knowing a lot of just. how to make music in general. i can kinda create melodies? but things like chords and backing and instrumentation- basically Everything that isn't just coming up with the lead i have a lot of trouble with. but having to place and adjust every single note by hand doesnt help i think!! gscklbhcvhkl ive got a digital piano from my youth somewhere (that i never used bc i didnt care at the time) but idk where it is and even if i did find it i dont really have a spot to put it in!! and while i dont really know how to play the piano? i feel like maybe itd feel quicker anyway, just playing notes instead of piecing it all together but i dunno!! maybe getting the piano out isnt the right way anyway?? i still need to learn like. the base fundamentals. but that feels Stupid tough!! and i know its gonna be stupid tough!! everything at the beginning is!! but trying to get over that first initial hump is the woooorst maybe i just need to like. just keep doin what im doin. yknow? make small 10 second little doodles of stuff. little steps!! i'll get there eventually i think. just didnt feel too well about my whole sitch tonight

music means. a Lot lot to me. i am constantly listening to Something (currently this as i write) practically every second im awake and at my desk. and ive wanted to give back for years!! and ive felt bad for not being able to do so

art is a gift. not a gift as in "the natural gift to do something" but as in like. a present. recently every piece of music ive listened to has felt like a giant gift, it always gives me an emotional spike. be it happiness or pure adrenaline. (i really like intense music gscvklhckl) sometimes that emotional spike gets to the point where i feel physically tired after the spike falls! and i would like to think that one day i'll be able to make something that gives that same feeling to others- or at the very least myself!

creation is a fickle thing huh gscvklhcvkl

[truckfreaks]

i need to document this somewhere, anywhere, and then i am going back to hiatusland. but tonight, during my last session before i get switched off to someone else, my individual trauma therapist i think finally had the gumption to say some shit she's been holding back.

and she said that she's actually pissed for me, on my behalf. she said the way i was spoken to was both unprofessional and vindictive. she said that she *is* legitimately concerned that i am being ganged up on and scapegoated (whether it's intentional or unintentional) in those sessions. she said that it is not my fault or my responsibility that someone who claims to be trying to work things out with me simultaneously projects his own shame onto me, making him lash out at me as if it were my fault that he feels that way.

i know in my heart and i've known for months that this is probably not a direction in life that is compatible with me living a fulfilling life as myself while also being the person he wants me to be. i thought maybe there was some way i could make that work, and i tried really, really hard for almost two years now. but it's obvious to me that he is only happy when i neuter myself for the sake of his comfort. and i can't keep making myself smaller for another person, no matter how much you have tying you together.

despite how... idk, ambiguous things have been since last October, i did really give this my best shot. i really tried. but i think after hearing him say last night that i will never truly be myself ever again, maybe that's okay. maybe i would have changed anyway. maybe i am different now, irrevocably, and i no longer am willing to put up with the same shit i was willing to put up with a decade ago.

is that because i was assaulted by multiple people i trusted, or is that just who i am? the conclusion i came to today is that i don't give an iota of a fuck what caused it. it just is. and i think i've finally accepted what i've been venting about on here for months: that i DO deserve someone who will care to learn my favorite song, or get me flowers, or leave me notes, or gender me correctly, or follow through on things that benefit us as a whole with the same fervor they follow through on their own passions.

i'm sick of people using what happened to me as a boogeyman to explain away all of the problems around me. i experienced it, not you. i lived through it. you don't get to tell me about how that makes you feel but tell me it's "frustrating" when i try to talk about how it makes me feel.

you know what's frustrating? holding a man's hand and consoling him week after week after week about how the multiple sexual assaults you lived through, which he has never tried to talk to you about regarding your feelings, make him feel. consoling an adult about how they're personally affected by horrible, awful events you actually survived. which you very well might not have. i understand traumatic events affect everyone, even peripherally. but to shut me down for trying to talk about it on my own terms - it feels cruel.

you don't get to use my trauma as an excuse to rag on me week after week and then get pissed off when i voice that i had an upsetting reaction to something you enjoyed because i was triggered. that's not fair. and i'm tired of letting people treat like i'm a confused, damaged child instead of a 32 year old person perfectly capable of making my own decisions and asserting my own autonomy.

for the first time ever i am publicly open about who i am and what i want in life and i guess for some that is "too much". i think i just need to find people who it is enough for. i can keep trying a little longer to find them.

[ashterblaster]

Little vent bc it's just... really frustrating me.

So I reconnected with an old high school friend about a month or two ago. Then we hung out like, once or twice after that and I was like 'Ah, this is nice, maybe it can be an occasional thing!'

And every weekend since (basically his days off are Saturday night through Monday) he's asked me if I wanna hang out. Which at first I was like 'Oh sure!' bc I genuinely didn't have anything going on. We were gonna go to a shooting range and fish and just do whatever. At that point when I said yes, I assumed he'd have everything put together.

Fast forward to the weekend we're supposed to hang: I've bought earmuffs and cleared my day for this thing. We're texting and he isn't even sure if he can GET the place. I thought he meant like, a REAL shooting range or whatever, but apparently it was either some farm his buddy owned or somewhere like, SUPER secluded and out there.

Now, it's not that I don't trust the dude. I actually really liked him in high school and still do! But he kept not being sure on if we were even actually going, and after a few back and forths without confirming a time, I finally just said maybe we'd have to push it back.

Ever since then, he texts me and gets like, pissy when I don't respond back immediately. He even called me once and was like "Wow, you not answering this call really hurt me" like bro what?? We hung out barely FIVE TIMES in the past couple months.

So this afternoon, he of course texts me again and is like "What are you doing tomorrow? Better yet, what are you doing tonight?" I fell asleep bc I'm battling anemia/depression/generally feeling super overloaded and not getting decent sleep at night. And when I texted him that I'd nodded off he was all, "Yeah, must have from the no response."

I'm just... not feeling comfortable with the conversation any longer. So again he's like "Wanna smoke tomorrow?" And at this point, I understand that I'm gonna have to be more firm when I say no. Even though he doesn't need to know anything about my life, I let him know that I'm going through a shit ton of changes with my medication and how I can't really smoke/drink like I was fine doing before. I'm REALLY trying to get my life together and I don't really want to do the things he wants to, especially when his plans are super spur-of-the-moment. A year ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to hang like that. But I'm not in a position to DO that anymore, and I stated as such.

I don't know if he responded, only that he read the text. I told him I wouldn't be replying to anything more tonight because I have a bedtime and I'm trying to stick to it so I can get my sleep schedule back on track.

I just don't understand how someone can barely talk to you, yet feel entitled to like, have me spend all his free time with him just because he asked.

Idk. I'm just disappointed, but not really because most of the people who were in my life at my low points I don't even talk to anymore, mainly BECAUSE I'm working on improving myself and trying to get better, and most of them have remained stagnant and pretty much give out negative/toxic energy.

I won't apologize for trying to grow. It's natural. And I'm not gonna force someone to conform to my needs just so we can hang out. Like, it's not the end of the world if we can't. We just aren't compatible. (As if I'm his fucking partner, jeez.)

Besides that, I really do feel better because I'm finally making the changes I've always wanted to. It just sucks when the people "close" to me aren't supportive.

[nope-body]

.

[1rsoldiersince2012]

Bound by Law (Matt Murdock x Reader)

Words: 2420 (chapter 14)

Summary:

You and Matt met in the courtroom. Now, you may think that Matt was a knight in shining armour and defended you in the name of all United States laws, but that was not the case. Matt was totally destroying your client, and you wanted to tear him into pieces right then and right there, because with Murdock as your rival, your head is on the firm's plate with each case. Did Matt care? No, he only cared about bringing justice, he was a human-machine, driven by the need to bring righteousness no matter the cost. Or was he just that? What happens when you get involved in Fisk's business and Daredevil's lies against your will?

UPDATES EVERY FRIDAY

Find my other accounts on ao3 and wattpad! <3

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1rSoldierSince2012

wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/1rsoldierSince2012

14. Back When It All Made Sense

Matt was furious and felt like he was literally burning inside. Pretending to be calm while he left the radar of your car, he pulled into an alley known only to him and probably some drug addicts, he stopped and started breathing through his nose like an angry bull. The dumpster became a scapegoat to absorb all Matt's anger, which he vented by hitting the side of the dumpster repeatedly until he felt the metallic smell of blood in the air and on the tip of his tongue. Todd had to yet to face the wrath of the devil, but here Matt faced a problem - neither he knew how this scumbag looked, nor he knew where he lived. He can't ask Foggy to find him. In fact, he can't ask anyone at all.

After leaning face towards the wall for a while, and releasing a long breath, a thought finally occurred: what would someone like Todd do on Friday evening? Go to a bar and try to get laid. He remembered you mentioning Josie's, so perhaps luck will be on his side again tonight.

Yes, Matt called you in his arms, even for a moment, luck. He couldn't deny anymore that he felt the need to breathe in your expensive perfume once again, he couldn't lie to himself that you were his biggest mystery now. He wanted nothing more than to hold you tight in his arms and protect you from this world, although you were more than capable enough to kick someone's ass if needed. 

Matt slightly shakes his head to himself and finally pulls away from the cold wall, wiping the bloody knuckles into a handkerchief and making himself presentable again. He had to focus on how to make Todd pay. He could just beat the shit out of him, but it would be too suspicious on how he learned about the whole thing and Matt would push you into a very uncomfortable situation, again. Slowly dragging his feet back to his apartment, Matt was debating on his choices and weighting each outcome, convincing himself that he would do the same for anyone else, although deep down inside he knew that all this effort was only for you.

*** 

Not in the mood for food, only for alcohol and still burning with anger, you were lost on the Internet, reading and re-reading the legislation, all which you knew almost by heart. Kitchen turned out to be once again the best place for work, although personal matter shouldn't be called work, you treated it like another case, because you knew how quickly feelings got the best of you. 

A couple of hours later, you managed to pull out some good stuff, and decided to call your dad. Just for assurance, you told yourself. Although, you just wanted to talk to someone who understood you better than anyone else. Three rings later, a rough voice was finally heard in your ear:

"Yeah?"

"Hey, dad, it's me." you smile immediately.

"Oh, hey, honey."

"You still didn't put the names on your contacts, right?" You tease and a heavy sigh on the other side is heard along with your mother's laughter somewhere far away.

"You know that I don't understand how to use that damn thing."

"Dad, you're not that old to not know how to use a smartphone."

"I only use this because you gifted it to me. Through mail, by the way." He scolds slightly, not letting you forget that you haven't found enough time to visit them in the past couple of months.

"Dad, I already apologized like a million times, complain to Hogarth for giving me a case on your birthday."

"I don't care about that woman, I only care about my daughter, who has the audacity to not visit her parents and hides behind her work." 

Now it's your turn to sigh heavily, and take out a beer bottle out of the fridge. "Dad, I'll come for the Holidays, I promise... Maybe even earlier, since I no longer work regularly." 

"What do you mean by that?" The interrogation skills from years working in the police force kick in, and you hear a change in his voice, which becomes strict and professional. 

"They offered me a new way of working. I work as a sort of assistant now." You sigh again, opening the beer bottle loudly, which doesn't go unnoticed by your dad.

"What's in it for you?"

"They promised to pay more."

"Have they?"

"I only started like a week ago, or maybe later..." you try to remember how long ago you were brought into another affair in the firm, feeling like all the days are the same and nothing makes much sense, "it doesn't matter, honestly." You finish desperately before you concern your father any further.

"I'm sure they are afraid to lose you now, especially after that trial was shown on a TV."

That meant - I'm really proud of you, daughter, but my manliness won't allow me to be so expressive. However, you had to admit, your mother managed to soften your dad a little over the last couple of years. 

"Yeah, I guess... Listen, dad, I'm kind of dealing with a case now-"

"On a Friday evening, you should be going out, y/n!" Your mother shouts loudly in your ear, and you almost drop your phone on the counter.

"Jesus, mom, no need to shout, it's a new phone."

"She's telling the truth, I want to live up to see your husband." Your dad says in a scolding tone again, and you roll your eyes slightly.

"So you could put him in a cell on our wedding night?"

"My biggest dream, that's for sure." 

"Dad, I thought you got rid of that dream, I'm not 17 anymore."

"Doesn't change the fact that I can easily do it, all I have to do is call Robert, and he would deal with everything." He huffs a laugh, and for a moment your thoughts wander to Robert - a boy from your neighbourhood, who thought of your dad as a hero, after he managed to put in jail the biggest gang of the 90s, and said that one day he'll be just like him. 

"Robert? How's he doing?" You ask cautiously, not trying to raise suspicions on why you suddenly became so interested in the man from the precinct. 

"He's actually running for sheriff's office in Brooklyn."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, chances are big he's going to win, so much charisma in one place just can't go unnoticed. In fact, I saw him the other day." 

"Really? You what, went to Brooklyn?" You laugh.

"It's not as far as you imagine, kid, a couple of hours in the car, and you're in the Bronx. Rob came to visit us." Your father falls silent, and you know what that silence means - the guy bothered to come all the way from Brooklyn, and you can't come from Hell's Kitchen.

"What was the occasion? Meeting the force buddies? I thought Robert was too young for those things." You huff a laugh and take a big gulp of cold beer, savouring the feeling of it going down your throat.

"No, he came by to visit, asked about you too. I assume you're no longer in touch after what happened." He says this as a statement, not a question, and it takes you a moment to realize that this was just a disappointing tone.

"Yeah, I thought you already knew that, 5 years have passed since I last saw him." You say, saddened a bit.

"You do remember that you were merely a guest at home during college, right?"

"Yes, dad, I do." You sigh again, this phone call turned out to be more depressive than you expected.

"He's grown into a nice man." Of course, your dad always wanted you to marry Robert, and obviously he wasn't going to let go of that thought any sooner.

"What'd you tell him?" You disregard the last statement swiftly, closing the computer with Todd's mugshot-like photo on the screen.

"I told him that my dear daughter is so busy that she forgot her old man-"

"Daaad, please-"

"I also gave him your contacts, because he wanted to visit you."

"You- what?" You stand up from the stool, and start pacing in the kitchen.

"Listen, you have to open yourself up for others, enough time has passed."

"I am opening myself to others... At least starting to." You softly bang your fist against the cold window, enjoying the dull sound, thoughts wandering to Matt, then to James for a split second.

"Just... Be nice to him if he comes, although he's quite busy with the campaign now. Remember, he was there for you when-"

"Okay, okay, got it, not to be myself then. Dad, I..." You inhale sharply, realizing that this conversation is no longer in your favour. "I'll visit you sometime, goodnight."

"Think about what I said, night." He turns off his phone, and you drop yours on the counter loudly, cooling off before you have another breakdown.

*** 

"So, I told him, either you stop whining like a baby and show them that you're the man I presented to the court, or you rot in jail for 10 years, guess what he chose." The annoying voice stands out among the chatter of the full bar, and Matt puts his focus on it for a moment, leaning on the chimney on the rooftop of Josie's building. 

Few seconds later, a soft voice of a woman answers, "the first option, right?"

"See, honey, you're smart, not only beautiful, but have brains too, because poor Charlie didn't have any." The man fakes a sigh, and then laughs, "that idiot really chose jail, just because he thought that his wife would forgive him in the end."

"Listen, Todd, maybe we should call it a night, I'm not really feeling this place."

Matt smirks, jackpot.

"I paid for three drinks, and now you're not feeling it?" Todd fires up.

"I told you before, I was getting ready to leave-"

"Whatever, just get out of my sight." Todd snaps suddenly, the girl hesitates to do anything. "LEA-ve" he lowers his voice mid-word, but the girl flinches nonetheless, quickly grabbing her things and leaving the table. "Bitch." Todd scoffs when he's left alone again, and finishes his drink, "who cares about them when I got eyes on the big prize."

Matt clenches a fist, intently listening to where Todd is going, already creating scenarios of him lying and begging for mercy. Todd chooses to take the main street, avoiding dark alleys, and hoping to catch a girl on his way home. Matt slightly curses under his breath, yet decides to follow him through the rooftops. 

*** 

Robert. Your first 'love', the embodiment of goodness and a perfect guy to grow old with, and practically every girl's dream. Yet, you didn't find it in your heart to love him back as much as he loved you. Friends since childhood, you spent every day together until he confessed to you his love in high school.

Robert was your father's favorite kid in the neighborhood, of course, after you, although sometimes you felt that he preferred Robert's presence to yours. How could you say no to Robert, when he came to your garden with a bouquet of wildflowers that he picked on his way from the old lady on the corner of the street, and he said that he'll love you forever? How could you say no, when you knew that your father was watching you through the window? How could you possibly say no to Robert when he was your father's favorite? How could you say no, when you wanted to please your father with 'good' and 'mature' decisions?

Even now, all those years later, you blamed it on yourself, breaking poor man's heart, not once, but twice, you didn't have a will to meet him again, because you knew that he will soften you just like he did before.

You didn't even feel how half of beer was already gone, and your computer was about to die, and Matt was making a plan on how to approach Todd, because the latter was just a block away from his apartment. And James? Long forgotten today, was making another deal for Fisk, taking all the work so he could get his mind away from you.

Suddenly you felt as if you were in the middle of everything - Hell's Kitchen, New York, hell, even in the middle of world, knowing that every decision will lead to another problem, no matter what you choose. The curse of knowing that you still can't cross over yourself and finally open up for love, instead of running away from it, because you were simply hurt too deep.

You dreaded the thought of seeing Robert again. You know that he asked your father to tell him everything about you, and knowing how welcomed Robert was in that house, it wasn't too hard. Why did he decide to do it now, after all those years that  you spent fighting your hardest battles alone and needed a shoulder to lean on more than ever? Why now when your life was finally going the right way?

You chuckle to yourself. The answer to the first question was as clear as the night sky in Hell's Kitchen - you were the one who pushed him away, and then convinced yourself that he wasn't interested in you anymore, because that hurt far less than the truth. You caught the thrill, as bad as this sounds, and just couldn't imagine yourself living in the suburban house with three kids and a perfect police officer Robert, who would take out all his awards to show at any given chance. The thrill haunted you throughout the college, suppressed and hungry, it was about to be unleashed with the person you only saw through eyes of burning rage, until now.

***

Luckily for Matt, Todd lived on the floor closest to the roof. What really put a smile on devil's face was the habit of Todd's - not smoking inside, instead, he went on the rooftop, and that was his biggest mistake of the evening.

Just as Todd closed the door of the corridor, he wasn't met with the cool air of the night, instead, he was met with a punch to his face, which briefly knocked him out.

Matt squats in front of groaning Todd, "let's have a chat, shall we?"

[manekicatwriter]

hellooo! i was wondering if i could make a request for an modern au sbi x gn sibling reader where they’re around 17-19, and they’ve got depression. they’ve had to go away for a few weeks after a bad episode ended in an attempt and they were hospitalized and sent somewhere for rehabilitation and now they’re coming home and they’re all anxious and quiet and stuff- so the boys do their best to like comfort them and reassure them that they’re loved and they belong there? i’m sorry if that’s an awkward request, i was just recently discharged after a similar situation and honestly the comfort would be great. it’s totally your call if you chose to write it tho, i understand that this is a difficult and triggering subject and not everyone is comfortable with writing things like it. if you aren’t comfy please feel free to just ignore my ask! <3

you’re here, and that’s what matters.

TW: mentions of attempted suicide. please proceed with caution.

hey! i just wanted to let you know that i’ve been through a similar situation and understand how you feel (though my case was not as severe). i wish you a safe road to recovery.

note, i think you asked for their characters but it leant itself towards their rl versions. i have a feeling the dsmp versions would be too chaotic for this sensitive subject.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!! please do not be afraid to send in an ask. ANON IS ON!!

Phil:

- phil was very scared about you being so gravely hurt, it kept him up for some nights. thankfully, you pulled through.

- he visited whenever he could. if he couldn’t, he was busy making sure coming home felt as comfortable for you as possible while also educating himself on how to take care of you.

- phil would listen to how you felt, and be understanding of your feelings.

- “You don’t have to tell me why you did it, I’m just glad you’re here,” pulling you in for a warm hug.

- when you got back home, he made sure he and the boys had prepared your favorite dinner and desserts.

It was the day you had just got home from rehabilitation, and you two were sitting on the couch. You hadn’t said much, you felt like you had nothing to say. Phil had asked for you to sit down so you two could talk, one on one.

You couldn’t meet his gaze. “I’m sorry,” your voice started to crack. “For making you guys worry about me.” Tears started to form from your eyes and you wept into your hands.

Phil immediately reached over to you to hug you, letting you cry on his shoulder. “We don’t blame you. We don’t blame anybody. I just want you to be here safe with us. Let it all out.” He pat and rubbed your back soothingly as you kept crying. But it was a good cry. He was just glad you came home.

Tommy:

- even though many see tommy as a loud and obnoxious boy with a general disregard for others, we all know deep down that’s a persona. he will go out of his way to make other comfortable in his presence if he truly cares for them. which he does, for you of course.

- he wants to make you happy! when the time is right, he’ll crack jokes and offer to play minecraft with you.

- would tone down the yelling. not because you asked, but he’s afraid of triggering you. treats you like glass. if you notice he’s being quieter than usual and you don’t care, you tell him you don’t.

- if you’re feeling it, he’ll take you out to fun places and to eat. nothing that’s too outlandish like a theme park, but just enough to have a reason to get out of bed that day instead of sleeping in.

It had been a week since you had gotten home and Phil had instructed you to maintain somewhat of a schedule to upkeep yourself. Right now was your nightly routine, washing yourself, brushing your teeth, and finally sliding under the covers. It felt nice. The blanket of sleep consumes you easily…

…

Until you bedroom door opens you’re being aggressively shaken awake. You groan, shying away, but they’re persistent.

“Ey, wake up, it’s morning!” Tommy shakes you again.

You realize you didn’t dream, but think nothing of it. “Tommy please, what do you want.”

Finally, Tommy pulled your warm sheets from over you, making you flinch. “I wanted to go out to the park today! Feed the ducks! Yeesss!”

You sighed. If you didn’t comply now, Tommy will refuse to stop nagging you for the rest of the day. You rolled out of bed and into the bathroom. You could very clearly hear Tommy’s cheers.

You two had gotten ready, eaten breakfast, and said goodbye to the rest of your family so you could head over to the park. It was close enough that it wasn’t unbearable to walk to. Even if you weren’t completely yourself yet, you were glad Tommy was.

After the short walk you two finally reached the park. Tommy immediately bolted toward the pond and you jogged behind. He had already started throwing the ducks some seeds, and even threw it on a duck. It didn’t seem too pleased.

You two sat at the edge of the pond as you watched the ducks eat. “Hey.” You hear Tommy call to you, and you turn your head to him.

“Can we talk about what happened? With you? Is it okay?” You could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Go ahead, what is it?”

“When Techno found out what happened to you, and told us the news, I was scared shitless.” He let out a sad huff. “I thought we were going to lose you.” Tommy kept his eyes fixed at the pond in front of him. “I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have brought this up. I’m just glad you’re okay.” He sighed.

You put a hand on his shoulder. “Oh Tommy…” You started, “I’m sorry for making you worry. You shouldn’t have to feel like that because of my actions.”

Tommy was lost in thought for a moment, before finally speaking up, “No, please don’t apologize. It’s not anybody’s fault this happened, right?” You nodded.

Tommy stood up, dusting his pants off from the grass. “Come on now, let’s go get some ice cream!” He pulled you up from the ground.

“Last one to get to the shop has to pay!”

Immediately, Tommy bolts in the direction to the ice cream shop, and you catch up to him. No matter the circumstance is, he never seems to fail at putting a smile on your face.

Wilbur:

- i HC wilbur being the oldest, being older than techno by 3 years and older than tommy by 8, like IRL. :]

- i think out of all of your siblings, wilbur exudes the most “protective older brother” energy, yeah?

- remember when tommy lied about his mother being in trouble and how worried and anxious wilbur got? turn that up to 11 with what happened with you.

- with wilbur being the oldest, he of course had the responsibility of taking care of everyone. but somehow you and him didn’t spend as much 1 on 1 time as much as wilbur did with his other siblings

- wilbur definitely was going to change that, realizing that and not wanting to make that mistake again.

- he decided that finding a new hobby with you wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

You were sitting at the dinner table, being the last one there. You were poking at your food for the most part, and Wilbur got home late from… whatever Wilbur thing he was doing. Phil cooked pasta for dinner tonight. Wilbur put down his bags at the door connected to the garage. “I’m home! What’s for dinner?”

“Pasta.”

“Mmm, I love some good ol’ pasta.” He said, already taking a plate out to serve himself. “Also, hey, I bought something I wanted to build with you. Do you mind?”

You finally looked up from your very interesting pasta. “Build..?” You had no idea where this was going.

Wilbur placed his plate on the table and approached the bags of groceries, going through them to find the bag he was looking for. He pulled out a LEGO set. More specifically, a LEGO City set from the looks of the box? “Wilbur, how much was that?”

He blinked at you innocently. “It was only, like, £25. And look! It’s got a little submarine we can make with a rock and ugly sea monster—“

“But why?”

“Why not? It wouldn’t hurt for you to do something new, yeah?” He smiled at you, shaking the LEGO box in front of him to show it off. You sighed, but smiled. “Alright. But maybe you and I should eat this pasta first before we start building.” Wilbur nodded.

“Speaking of water, don’t you think I could teach you how to swim or something?”

“Oh, fuck off with that!”

Technoblade:

- i think out of everyone in the family, he understands you the most in terms of how you feel.

- not suicidal, but just generally having depressive episodes due to his ADHD.

- techno’s generally closed off, but started to really open up to you because he wanted to show he cares, even if it meant going out of his comfort zone.

- techno suggested journaling. once a day or once per week, it didn’t really matter. just as long as you could write down your feelings somewhere.

- he didn’t explicitly say it, but he also bought a book for himself so he could do it along with you. although, he more often than not just forgets to write in it until you mention your own journal.

- if you want to be sad and quiet, you can be sad and quiet with him. his room is a safe space for you if you ever need it and you’re always welcome to come in, just as long as you knock first.

With one hand on your mouse scrolling through the internet, and another resting your head on it, you were safe to admit you were utterly and completely bored. Honestly, you thought about taking another nap after your last one, but a knock on your door stopped you right before you pulled the covers over yourself. “Can I come in?”

You rose from your bed. “Come in. Oh hey Techno.”

He gave a simple wave and his signature “Halloo.” He walked right over to you and handed a journal and a ballpoint pen. “I got this. For you.” His stare was sharp but you could sort of tell he was nervous.

“What for?”

“I dunno. Writin’ your feelings down or drawin’ or somethin’. Whatever helps you vent.” He scratched the back of his neck.

“Oh Techno, thank you. That’s very sweet of you.” You gave a slight smile, but saw that he still had another journal in his hand. “You have two journals?”

Techno raised his eyebrow in confusion before looking down at his hand. “Oh this? It’s for me. So we could do it together, I guess.”

You let out a happy hum. “That’s nice. Say, why don’t we go to your room? I want to see your new lava lamp and stuff.”

Techno shrugged. “Sure. I’ve got more stationary too if you want.” He waved his hand before letting himself out the door, with you following not far behind.

hi hope u enjoyed reading as much as i did writing it. this format was new for me but very fun!

[edenmemes]

skyward sword sentence starters

more to be added !

❝ you promised to meet me before it starts, remember? ❞ ❝ you seem pretty...relaxed about the whole thing. ❞ ❝ is something wrong? what’s the hurry? ❞ ❝ sometimes i just don’t know what’s going on in your head. ❞ ❝ i'm not like you. i fail at everything i try. ❞ ❝ a shrimpy boy like you hardly looks the part of a hero. ❞ ❝ swatting a few monsters will be no trouble for you. ❞ ❝ run and play this time. get in my way again, though, and you’re dead. ❞ ❝ don’t even pretend that was an accident! ❞ ❝ do you doubt these eyes? i look upon your shirt and i see a single thread loose on your sleeve stitching. ❞ ❝ this is no place for one such as you. and yet here you stand. ❞ ❝ i need to vent all this unhealthy anger,     and your agony is such a great stress reliever. ❞ ❝ remember what we discussed. restrain yourself. focus on the task at hand. ❞ ❝ do my words anger you? do my words sting? let them. ❞ ❝ you don’t come by here just to see me, do you? ❞ ❝ what’s wrong? you just made a face like you wanted to say something. ❞ ❝ oh, i get it. you’re trying to weasel out of having to practice. ❞ ❝ i guess it’s not all bad. at least i’m getting paid. ❞ ❝ there’s something i’ve been meaning to talk to you about.... ❞ ❝ would you wake up, straighten up, and grow a backbone already? ❞ ❝ nice try, but you’re not fooling me. ❞ ❝ i...i have to go. i’m sorry. ❞ ❝ folks were always cheering me on like it was a parade. but as you know, time passes. ❞ ❝ you keep some very strange company, friend. ❞ ❝ i don’t know if it’s safe yet...i’m going to stay here awhile longer. ❞ ❝ oh no. you’ve done it now! there’s no escaping this one! ❞ ❝ so, what now? are you going to cry? ❞ ❝ i can’t begin to tell you how sorry i am for pulling you into all of this. ❞ ❝ what is wrong with you? just look at what you’ve done! ❞ ❝ what we’ve seen here today defies explanation. ❞ ❝ you put up more of a fight than i would have thought possible out of such a soft person. ❞ ❝ did you really just draw your sword? foolish. ❞ ❝ should you heed the call of destiny,     i don’t know what dangers you may have to face. ❞ ❝ i can’t help being such a coward...i’m really sorry. ❞ ❝ i fear i spent far too long teasing and toying with you. ❞ ❝ you do your people proud. ❞ ❝ how long do we have to live in constant fear? ❞ ❝ i'll just beat you within an inch of your life! ❞ ❝ dawn is drawing near. it has been a long night for the both of us, hasn’t it? ❞ ❝ you were limp and unconscious. i feared the worst. ❞ ❝ what do you think you’re doing sneaking out with that? ❞ ❝ such a beautiful day, but we’re too busy to enjoy it. some things never change. ❞ ❝ i guess you’ll never learn unless you run into trouble one day. ❞ ❝ look at my face. if that’s your idea of a joke, i’m not laughing. ❞ ❝ you appeared to be relishing that snooze, so i declined to wake you. ❞ ❝ huh? oh, uh, nothing. really, i was, uh...talking to myself. ❞ ❝ you’re looking a little pale... ❞ ❝ i imagine you and i will cross paths again. until then, do not lower your guard. ❞ ❝ you certainly are persistent... ❞ ❝ all that may be well intentioned and true, but it doesn’t mean it’s right. ❞ ❝ i’m prepared to pay the price for what i’ve done. ❞ ❝ i had no idea we were fated to carry such a heavy destiny. ❞ ❝ i need your strength to tip the scales in our favor. ❞ ❝ all this training, and no results! ❞ ❝ all i’ve hears so far is a bunch of babbling about destiny,     but that’s a load of garbage. ❞ ❝ when night draws her tenebrous curtain across the sky, i come here. ❞ ❝ what in the world just happened? did you use some kind of magic? ❞ ❝ please, see it through and prove the legends true. ❞ ❝ i was happy just spending my days hanging around with you. i wanted that feeling to last forever. ❞ ❝ you are vital to a mission of great importance. ❞ ❝ the chances of that happening are just about less than zero. ❞ ❝ i hate to break it to you, but today’s the day i bust up this adorable little fantasyland you’re living in. ❞ ❝ this is a war, and the fate of the land hangs in the balance. ❞ ❝ i know you, and you’re no hero. ❞ ❝ you’re messing with me. say it again, i dare you. ❞ ❝ you float through life with your head in the clouds. ❞ ❝ i don’t do charity for wimps. ❞ ❝ what’s this...? what is it that my eyes behold? ❞ ❝ don’t even think about it! are we clear? ❞ ❝ the point is your work here is done. i got it covered from here. ❞ ❝ my eyes foresee a hazardous, thorny road ahead for you... ❞ ❝ you...this is your fault, you know. ❞ ❝ my heart is bursting with thoughts of you. ❞ ❝ i have a serious dilemma on my mind right now, and you’re distracting me. ❞ ❝ i’ll make you proud. you’ll see! ❞ ❝ feels dangerous. something could jump out at us at any moment. ❞ ❝ we’re talking about a tale that’s been passed down over a lot of years, so i wouldn’t put much stock in it. ❞ ❝ i have the right to experience an unfettered and passionate love, don’t i? ❞ ❝ i’ll tell you, it gives even a big guy like me the creeps. ❞ ❝ oh...how can i get you to notice me? ❞ ❝ i get the feeling nothing i can say will talk you out of it. ❞ ❝ my love for you is wider than the horizon and deeper than the clouds. ❞ ❝ trust my piercing eyes...listen to my pure and innocent voice. ❞ ❝ i feel so excited, so cheerful, so full of life. ❞ ❝ i sense a silent power dwelling somewhere in your frame. ❞ ❝ this turn of events has left me with a strong appetite for bloodshed. ❞ ❝ there’s no doubting it. the gears of fate have begun to turn. ❞ ❝ i'm sorry. i was lost in thought there for a moment. ❞ ❝ don’t men open doors for a lady anymore? how long am i supposed to stand here waiting for a little chivalry? ❞ ❝ i hate even saying this, but i guess you got it all figured out. ❞ ❝ you must not push yourself. you’re still recovering. ❞ ❝ you think you’re pretty suave, don’t you? ❞ ❝ i know you’re in a hurry, so i really appreciate you taking the time to help. ❞ ❝ i saw it, but i was able to escape by the seat of my pants. ❞ ❝ do you have any idea how that made me feel inside? furious! outraged! sick with anger! ❞ ❝ you’re really something else. i could never imagine myself doing what you’re about to do. ❞ ❝ i must aid you in fulfilling the great destiny that is your burden to carry. ❞ ❝ i should have believed you...i’m sorry. ❞ ❝ lately, when i think about you, my head gets all fuzzy, my heart races, i get short of breath, and i feel all dizzy... ❞ ❝ you should know better than that to fret about me. ❞ ❝ thanks for jumping in there to rescue me. ❞ ❝ hey, hold on there! what are you trying to pull all of a sudden? ❞ ❝ your face cries out in earnest wonder, and that cry is: ‘what’s this?!’ ❞ ❝ i promise up front not to murder you. ❞ ❝ you...didn’t hear any of that, did you? there’s no way you heard, right? ❞ ❝ i tell you, all sorts of weird things are going on lately. ❞ ❝ calamitous visions appear before me... ❞ ❝ you...make me so happy...i think i’m going to keel over... ❞ ❝ i wanted you to be the first to see me like this. ❞ ❝ i can’t imagine a more fitting color for you. it’s as though you were born to wear it. ❞ ❝ i bet you can’t even decide what to have for lunch on your own, huh? ❞ ❝ amazing, right? wrong! it is beyond amazing! ❞ ❝ it can’t be easy for you, can it? ❞ ❝ you’ll see in time that you have your own role to play in all this. ❞ ❝ trust in fate to guide your feet. ❞ ❝ i bet you’re here just to check me out, right? ❞ ❝ i just hope nothing has happened. i’m worried sick thinking about it. ❞ ❝ whoa...you’re kind of imploding my mind right now. ❞ ❝ if you wanna live again one day, you should head for home. ❞ ❝ you have a great journey before you, and those clothes...they don’t look up to the task. ❞ ❝ did you manage to get even a wink of sleep last night? ❞ ❝ ever heard of banging your knuckles against the door? it’s called knocking. ❞ ❝ so, uh...yeah. just how long have you been standing there? ❞ ❝ honestly, it’s almost as though you become a completely different person when you worry about me. ❞ ❝ you showing up here must mean we’re connected somehow. like fate. ❞ ❝ sorry to put you through that. i guess i owe you one now. ❞ ❝ to tell you the truth, i’m feeling a little frustrated, and right now i just need someone to vent to. ❞ ❝ what’s with you? leave me alone if you don’t want anything. ❞ ❝ hearing that is such a...huge weight off my mind. ❞ ❝ though your journey will put you in harms way, you must endure. ❞ ❝ i'm just deadweight. what kinda use is that to anyone... ❞ ❝ seriously, what is that thing over there?! ❞ ❝ before i say another word, i feel like i owe you an apology. ❞ ❝ during your long journey, you’ve grown so much. ❞ ❝ from the moment i laid my eyes on you, i could tell you had a gentle and generous heart. ❞ ❝ oh dear...i don’t know what’s come over me all of a sudden... ❞ ❝ you don’t appear to have any serious injuries. for that much we can be grateful. ❞ ❝ i can see into those dopey eyes of yours. ❞ ❝ i can finally smile and laugh again! thank you ever so much. ❞ ❝ i think i might of broke something. ❞ ❝ is that it? i thought it was going to put up more of a fight. ❞ ❝ i thought we were goners this time. sort of glad i was wrong about that. ❞ ❝ what? i don’t seem like my usual self? ❞ ❝ this place needs a name. a name fitting for this rugged, adventurous wilderness. ❞ ❝ what were you thinking? you scared a year off my life! ❞ ❝ care to explain just what you meant by ‘our special moment alone’? ❞ ❝ my advice? work hard and wish with all your heart. ❞ ❝ say, you look all flustered. ❞ ❝ i fear we can’t dwell on our success. ❞ ❝ the world is bursting with undiscovered surprises, isn’t it? ❞ ❝ you're not exactly mr/mrs.perfect either, are you? ❞ ❝ this is easily as scary as i thought it would be. ❞ ❝ i swear this neighborhood’s getting crummier every day. ❞ ❝ you ain’t as dumb as you look. ❞ ❝ i was going to ask if you wanted me to take care of you forever... ❞ ❝ i need to learn how to keep these delirious dreams in check. ❞ ❝ maybe you should forget about everything that happened here tonight. ❞ ❝ can you imagine a more gruesome fate? ❞ ❝ there are more monsters about than before, so be careful. ❞ ❝ human desire is an insatiable, fearsome thing. ❞ ❝ i sense an evil presence on the other side of this door. ❞ ❝ you understand, don’t you? i’m not wrong about this, am i? ❞ ❝ i never wanted to lay eyes on you again. ❞ ❝ i would have gotten discouraged if you hadn’t come by to cheer me on. you gave me motivation. ❞ ❝ who do you think you are, getting involved in my business like that? ❞ ❝ i just wish there was more i could do for you... ❞ ❝ i don’t even understand how you could make such a wild accusation! ❞ ❝ it was at that moment i finally realized. i realized that...i love you. ❞ ❝ make sure you come home every now and then. nothing like a good sleep in your own bed. ❞ ❝ you’d better not keep me waiting. ❞ ❝ make sure you put your heart into it! i won’t stand for anything but your best. ❞ ❝ how could you be swayed by the temptation of material gain?     do you have no honor? ❞ ❝ you really want to hear about all my troubles? that’s kind of you. ❞ ❝ you...weren’t supposed to see that whole spectacle. how embarrassing... ❞ ❝ you have only succeeded in buying us a little more time. ❞ ❝ watch it! that’s no way to talk to someone who just saved your life! ❞ ❝ you look like you need to get something off your chest. ❞ ❝ know that all the questions you have now will be answered in time. ❞ ❝ there is nothing natural about these tremors. ❞ ❝ you might just be the person i need! you seem pretty good with the ladies. ❞ ❝ it’s great to hear you’re so confident in me. ❞ ❝ ideal love is unfettered and passionate. anything less than that can’t really be called love at all. ❞ ❝ you're incessant buzzing around my head like some irksome gadfly when i’m this busy is...making me very disagreeable. ❞ ❝ you may not have noticed, but i’m trying to hide here.     could you please scoot along? ❞ ❝ you'd better keep your eyes to yourself, if you know what i mean. ❞ ❝ have you come to laugh at me in my miserable state? ❞ ❝ you...you came to see me! i’m so happy. ❞ ❝ your job is simple! you make sure none of these monsters lays a claw on me. not...one...claw. ❞ ❝ now is not the time to be picky about who will help you. ❞ ❝ watch carefully while i demonstrate what a real hero looks like. ❞ ❝ you are something else! there is nothing you cannot do. ❞ ❝ if you think about how often we meet, you have to admit that our relationship has gone beyond friendship, you know? ❞ ❝ i’ll make the affair so excruciating, you’ll deafen yourself with the shrill sound of your own screams. ❞ ❝ i was right, then. there is something special about you. ❞ ❝ i should have reprimanded you the last time we met, but instead i was...soft. ❞ ❝ ha-ha! you didn’t see that coming, did you? ❞ ❝ you really are a snake in the grass. ❞ ❝ you are indeed worthy of being called a hero. ❞ ❝ i’m not used to getting stared at like this. it’s making me blush. ❞ ❝ i can’t hide anything from you, can i? ❞ ❝ the longer i train, the more i realize i’ll never measure up to you. ❞ ❝ whoa...you took out every last one of them. ❞ ❝ i know how bad this must look to you right now, but i assure you i mean no harm. ❞ ❝ it’s all very strange, but i doubt there’s much of a connection between these things. ❞ ❝ you're a weird one, climbing all the way up here. ❞ ❝ don’t cry --- it’s perfectly, mostly safe! ❞ ❝ you and i, we’re bound by that thread of fate. destined to fight. ❞ ❝ meet me in battle, and the thread of fate that binds us will be soaked crimson with your blood. ❞ ❝ i do not wish to dwell on what may have happened if you hadn’t been here. ❞ ❝ you have awakened a wrath that will burn for eons! ❞ ❝ you really like those fantasy stories, eh? ❞ ❝ there is one teensy, tiny thing i lack...namely, mercy. ❞ ❝ i must warn you, i won’t go easy on you this time. ❞ ❝ i might be willing to forgive and forget if you’ll strike a deal. ❞ ❝ since i know i can be honest with you, i’ll admit i got a little sulky. it was frowns all around. ❞ ❝ i see you’re still among the living. ❞ ❝ i saw them dragging you off unconscious, so i tailed them. ❞ ❝ i want you to visit me at my house tonight. ❞ ❝ you don’t have to say a word. i can see how you feel by the spark in your eye. ❞ ❝ you’ll see. i’ll be as tough as you in no time. ❞ ❝ it’s not like ‘oh, hey, that person’s back! i’m so happy!’ or anything like that... ❞ ❝ whoa...that’s some really terrible handwriting. ❞ ❝ i would very much like it if you would go out with me. ❞ ❝ truly? you choose me? ❞ ❝ i swear to you, whatever it takes, i will drag you into an eternity of torment. ❞ ❝ you and i, we’re bound by a thread of fate. ❞ ❝ i’ll watch over you, protecting you from afar. ❞ ❝ until then, we’ll keep our love secret. ❞ ❝ this news has just filled my heart with rainbows! ❞ ❝ this place seems strangely familiar... ❞ ❝ don’t you gotta take care of your own business first? ❞ ❝ they’re not going to do anything nice if they catch you. ❞ ❝ it’s not humane to tease someone this bored. ❞ ❝ i’m not some sideshow for you to gawk at. ❞ ❝ it’s weird to say out loud, but that’s just how i feel right now. ❞ ❝ you can’t break me with interrogation. you’ll never make me talk. ❞ ❝ word is there’s a huge treasure hidden in these here ruins... ❞ ❝ what? that’s not weird to say! ❞ ❝ ...i understand your true feelings. better than you know. ❞ ❝ all the fairytales that we heard growing up...they appear all too real. ❞ ❝ do i look sad? no, i’m doing what i want to do! ❞ ❝ i don’t know what came over me! i had no clue i had the talent to make something like this. ❞ ❝ you shouldn’t be out here in the open with no way to defend yourself. ❞ ❝ you do have the tendency to cause trouble for those you ‘help’. ❞ ❝ as far as i’m concerned, i got nothing but time. ❞ ❝ don’t you play coy with me. i know that you know, so why not let me in on the fun? ❞ ❝ so you really think a sob story like that is going to work on me? what a joke. ❞ ❝ i’d take pleasure in punishing you, but i have no time for recreation. ❞ ❝ sorry to leave you on your own, but you look like you can handle it. ❞ ❝ remember --- it’s a secret to everybody. ❞ ❝ it isn’t as action packed as what you’re doing, but maybe this is my destiny. ❞ ❝ don’t you just love the way it smells down here? ❞ ❝ defending the land...it’s my purpose, i think. it’s why i’m here. ❞ ❝ what do i know...you might just surprise me. ❞ ❝ fibber! you’re a fibbity fibber! ❞ ❝ you needn’t even say it. i can tell from the look of sheer astonishment on your face. ❞ ❝ you have had this destiny thrust upon you without warning...    or choice, for that matter. ❞ ❝ don’t do anything heroic and get yourself caught. ❞ ❝ ...you want to tell me but you can’t? ❞ ❝ you know, i really worry about you. it’s a weakness of mine. ❞ ❝ try not to get in the way of my shots, ok? ❞ ❝ i haven’t slept a wink in...ahhh...i don’t even know how long. ❞ ❝ i had my suspicions, but until now i wasn’t sure. ❞ ❝ you seem a good deal stronger than the last time we met. ❞ ❝ i would be remiss if i didn’t let you know of the weight on my heart. ❞ ❝ i have a reputation to protect, you know. ❞ ❝ listen closely. do you hear that? ❞

[dollslayer]

Champagne Problems

Bartender!Bucky x Reader

Summary: When your ex-boyfriend makes a surprise appearance at your sister's wedding you find help from an unexpected source.

W/C: 4,642

Warnings: NO MINORS, Smut, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected sex, swearing, alcohol consumption

A/N: Hey! I know it's been a minute (sorry), I wrote this for @saiyanprincessswanie's writing challenge using the bartender au! If you like this please reblog and comment and check out my other fics!! Cheers!

Main Masterlist

You sighed internally before slapping on a smile for yet another group picture. Your bridesmaid dress was itchy and you already regretted spending the entire night in it, as the reception was just starting. But it was your sister’s day and you decided that if what she really wanted was for you to wear this itchy monstrosity to honor her wedding then damn it, you’d do it. So you leaned in close with the rest of the wedding party and posed some more.

When the photographer had finished with his photos you were ushered to the family table and wedged between your mother and your aunt. You mentally cursed your sister for seating you with them because they were going to spend the entire night trying to set you up with someone while simultaneously lamenting that you’d dumped your boyfriend of 4 years just a month earlier. Your mother wanted grandchildren so badly, you didn’t know why she couldn’t just settle to get them from your sister.

“Sweetheart, you and Steve were so good together though! Remember when he surprised you at Christmas with that puppy? I don’t know how you let a man like that go…” Your mom chided.

You grabbed the attention of a passing server and grabbed the champagne off their tray. If you were going to have this conversation again you needed liquid courage to do so. You downed it in three sips and your mom scoffed at you.

“Mom, we've been over this. I didn’t ask him to do that, we agreed we weren’t ready for a dog. Ugh, oh my god, anyways, we just didn’t work together. Sometimes things don’t work out, Mom. You’ll still get grandkids, just not from me.” You patted her on the shoulder but she just pursed her lips and looked past you to your aunt.

You wanted nothing more than to get wasted but you couldn’t do that to your sister. You wouldn’t get blackout drunk, but you were definitely getting drunk tonight. The reception was being held in a hotel and the wedding party had a block of rooms reserved so it’s not like you had to drive. You just had one thing to do before you did that.

The moment you’d been dreading had finally arrived, the toast. You held your freshly topped-off glass of champagne and brought your fork to it to get everyone’s attention. Someone handed you the mic and you hesitated before taking it and nervously cleared your throat.

By what you assumed could only be the grace of God you managed to deliver the perfect toast about finding the right person and soulmates and anything else you might find in a hallmark card with only minor stumbles. Everyone clapped and your brother-in-law wiped a stray tear and everyone finally dug into dinner. You just hoped that would mean your mother would be quiet about Steve for the next 20 minutes and then you could escape to the open bar.

____

You almost made it through dinner scott-free and sat back to watch your sister’s first dance. Just when you thought you were in the clear it was your aunt that threw a wrench in your plans. She was three glasses of wine deep and had that glassy look in her eye when she grabbed your elbow and pulled you closer. She spoke to you in a low voice while trying not to fumble her words.

“Listen kiddo, I know your mom is hard on you about Stevie but she just wants what’s best for you. What you two had… it was so good even I liked him! I don’t like anybody y’know that. So.. so why don’t you jus’ give ‘im another chance, make your mom happy? Couldn’t be that bad, could it? Maybe he’ll even… surprise you”

You mentally blocked out her words halfway through her speech, hoping neither of you would remember it by the end of the night. Right now you just had to get her to stop so you could get away from the table. You didn’t think you could take one more second of being shamed for leaving Steve.

You smiled sweetly and nodded in understanding towards her words.

“I know, Aunt Linda. I know. Sometimes things happen, I love mom but I’ll find someone else.”

With that you patted her on the shoulder and took off in search of the bar.

There were two bars and you wanted to go to the less crowded one. Looking around you had spotted it just past the dancefloor and made a beeline. Weaving through the now open dance floor and escaping the invitations to join your family you finally made it and leaned heavily against the countertop with a sigh.

“Rough night?” Your eyes follow the gruff yet amused voice and find that it belongs to a very handsome man with a defined jaw, clear blue eyes, and long hair that was tied back.

You smiled and rolled your eyes.

“You don’t know that half of it. Nothing like a wedding to remind you how single you are” You joked.

“Ah. Yeah, that’ll do it. That’s rough. You look like you need a drink, what can I get you?”

“Dealer’s choice. Just no vodka.” You requested.

He smirked and nodded, perusing the lines of bottles that were in front of him. He bit his lip as he concentrated on what to make and you tried not to stare. You watched him get to work on your drink and couldn’t help but notice the way you could see his muscles move underneath his dress shirt.

He turned back around and proudly presented you with something fizzy in a highball glass.

“My own concoction, I even used the non-watered down liquor. Just for you” He says with a wink.

You try your best to hide your shy smile and accept the drink.

“Thank you, how sweet of you.” You tell him.

“It’s nothin’. So how’s a gal like you single? If you don’t mind my asking. Seems pretty impossible to me.”

You're caught somewhere between flattery and embarrassment and just hope it doesn't show on your face. You take a long sip of your drink and gear up to answer him.

“Well, I just got out of a 4 year relationship, actually. He’s really sweet but he always had a tendency to steamroll my needs and just do whatever he was going to do. Eventually that shit adds up.” You sigh.

“Like for example - last year we had talked about getting a dog and I said I wasn’t ready, we’re just both way too busy and then on Christmas day he shows up with this puppy! And then I’m the villain for telling him no! The puppy ended up going to a good home but he did stuff like that all the time. It just became too much. Anyways now my mom won’t get off my ass about leaving him.” You shook your head.

“A puppy? Wow, that’s… intense. That’s a lot, I’m sorry. You finish that drink and I’ll pour us both a shot” He laughed.

You nodded in agreement and downed the rest of the cocktail. He held up two shot glasses and extended one to you.

“A toast, to… wait. I don’t even know your name!”

His shoulders shook as he laughed and he answered you.

“I’m James but you can call me Bucky” You made a face at that.

“What kinda name is Bucky?” You asked before giving him your own name.

“Whatever, I’ve got two shots of tequila, you want one or not?” How could you say no?

“A toast,” You continued, “To you and your weird name, Bucky.”

He laughed and you clinked your glasses together, then against the counter before downing them in one go. You tried your best not to make a face and looked up at Bucky to find him extending you the lime chaser, which you took gratefully.

“Hoo… I could use like, 3 more of those to get through tonight. So, how’d you get into bartending?”

“I needed somethin’ to put me through school and I figured this beats stripping. Though, with some of the customers we get sometimes I’m not so sure”

You laughed at that and Bucky went on to tell you anecdotes of all the crazy people he’s had to serve, disastrous weddings, and the time he got a lapdance from the bride herself. You hadn’t even realized how much time had passed but you were enjoying talking to him, forgetting your mission to be drunk.

The two of you kept swapping stories and were getting to know each other a bit more. He let you vent about Steve and just listened, it was refreshing to talk to someone and not be told what it is that you should be wanting. When you pictured the night you didn’t picture yourself confiding in the bartender tonight but if you were honest you were enjoying yourself. It beat awkwardly dancing with your family and enduring more disappointed remarks from your family.

You had hoped you could hide out at the bar and spend the entire night unscathed when the double doors to the ballroom opened. Your heartbeat in your ears as time slowed down around you as a blond head of hair made its way through the archway. Your laughter died in your throat when Baby blue eyes found you across the room and you froze like a deer in headlights. No. Nononononono this isn’t happening.

Time has somehow come to a halt while simultaneously hurtling forward since you can’t get yourself unstuck from this moment yet fail to realize that Steve is now standing right in front of you. His hair is swept back perfectly and he flashes you that million dollar smile of his that shows off his dimples perfectly. You scold yourself for checking him out but damn did he always clean up nice.

“Hey, sweetheart” he says shyly, as if he’s not crashing your sister’s wedding to get with you.

“What…? What are you doing… here?” You ask quietly, trying to avoid a scene.

Before he can answer you your mom comes up behind Steve and squeezes his shoulders tight, all with a big, bright smile on her face. Of course. How did I not see this coming?

“You made it!” She exclaimed as she leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Of course, sorry to have missed the ceremony but there’s still plenty to celebrate, right?” He asked with his signature boyish smirk.

Shock was still in full effect on your features as you stood stock still. But that shock was soon giving way to anger as you slowly pieced together everything that was happening. Your mom had brought back Steve to try and get you back together and Steve was steamrolling you again.

“I… I, can’t. I can’t-” You started

“Sweetheart, how many of those have you had? You need some water.” Steve motions to the drink in your hand and you feel the anger running through your veins about to take over. You have to move this out of the room. Now.

“Why don’t we move this to the hall?” You suggested quietly.

You didn’t give him a chance to respond before you started moving towards the exit but you did spare one last panicked glance towards Bucky. He looked confused and his brows were quirked in a way that made him look upset, almost. You sent him a pleading look before turning back around and preparing yourself to deal with this shitshow that had slowly unfolded before you.

Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Hold. You got this. Your hand begins to push the door open when Steve’s much larger one covers yours and gets the job done. An action that you once would’ve thought was sweet, one that you would’ve made you swoon, even, is currently pissing you off.

You two made your way to the hallway and you looked around before you started in on him.

“Okay, what the hell, Rogers? Crashing my sister’s wedding? Really?! I don’t give a shit if my mom put you up to this I-”

“Sweetheart, please. She thought you might be having second thoughts and maybe us seeing each other would… patch things up. We just want what’s best for you, sweetheart” Steve attempted to console you, reaching out to try and rub your arm but you pulled back.

“No! I am so sick of you running me over! You never listened to me or what I had to say and this is exactly why I broke up with you, Steve! You’re being so fucki-”

“Hey, babe, everything okay out here?” Bucky’s voice surprised you but not as much as his lips pressing a kiss into your hair and his arms wrapping around your waist.

You had to crane your neck to look back and up at him. It took all of two seconds for you to piece together what you’d hoped was the truth. Bucky raised his eyebrows at you as if to say “come on” and in all your desperation you went with it. You supposed that his formal uniform made him pass for a regular guest.

“I, ah, yeah, yes. Steve here was just leaving, right?” You asked him.

Steve raised his eyebrows in a stunned expression, mouth slightly open in disbelief. His hand reached out towards your shoulder but Bucky pulled you back gently.

“Doll, are you serious? Who even is this guy? Does your mom know about this?”

“No, she doesn’t. It’s… new…” You told him.

“Right,” Bucky cuts in, “It’s new so we weren’t telling anyone just yet but she figured I should at least be here for the reception”

“Seriously?” Steve scoffs, “Man bun? What does he have that I don’t? C’mon, you know what you and I have is real.”

“What you and I have is over, Steve. You never listened to me, always pushed me further than I was ready for. We’re done, it’s over. I’m sorry for whatever Mom told you”

Steve took a harsh breath inwards and you watched him try to decide whether he should walk away or blow up. Based off of the veins popping in his forehead, he was opting to blow up.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re up to but-”

“She said it’s over, punk. Move along” Bucky cut in. He took a protective step in front of you and pushed his shoulders back, squaring up to Steve. Steve seethed quietly and you two exchanged very tense glances.

“I’m telling your mother about this. I doubt she’ll be happy to hear you brought some random person to your sister’s wedding.” Steve spat.

He walked past the two of you and bumped shoulders harshly with Bucky. Bucky’s jaw tensed and his grip on your waist tightened but he didn’t retaliate. Instead he took a step back to get a proper look at you.

“You okay?”

“Why did you do that? You didn’t have to.”

“I know, but you looked like you could really use the help.”

“Well… thank you. I appreciate it, more than you know. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you weren’t there.” You laughed to yourself a little and added, “We’re not even together 5 minutes and you already have all my emotional baggage”

Bucky laughed at that and shook his head.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. I’ve got some crazy exes too. So what now? You going back in?”

You became a little flustered at that but moved past it with a sheepish grin.

“No,” You shook your head, “I think it’s best for everyone if I just go up to my room and avoid a whole scene.”

“Well at least let me walk you up. I wouldn’t put it past that creep to follow you.”

“What about the bar?”

“We’re overstaffed and the party’s winding down anyways. They’ll get on without me”

“Alright then” You accepted and started off towards the elevators.

You two were standing in the elevator waiting for the doors to close when you spotted the doors to the ballroom open. Your mother was looking around, her face a picture of anger. Lucky for you the doors closed before she could look in your direction and you let out a sigh of relief.

“You know as far as fake boyfriends go I’d say you’re pretty good”

“Just good? C’mon I had that guy on the ropes.”

“Yeah alright,” You relented with a grin.

You exited the elevator car and made your way down the hallway until finally you reached your door. You fished your keycard out of your wallet and turned to Bucky.

“Hey… do you wanna… maybe come in? Hang out? I know you’ve got work but if you’re overstaffed maybe…” You trailed off. There was a beat of silence and you felt regret instantly, thinking you’ve asked too much of him. “Y’know what nevermind, you don’t have to, I’m sorry I-”

“I’d love to hang out with you, if you’re okay with that. Plus it’s probably better I wait to get back until the wedding’s over. Can’t really show my face as your boyfriend and then get back behind the bar, can I?” He said with a soft smile.

“Suppose you’re right,” You swiped the card and cracked open the door.

You stepped inside and felt like you could finally breathe again. You kicked off your heels and went to turn on the lights. You reached back to get the zipper of your dress but couldn’t quite get there.

“Will you get my zipper?” You asked Bucky. He nodded and came closer to you.

You could feel his warmth radiating from him when he was this close. Your nostrils filled with the heady scent of his aftershave. He smells so good. He unzipped you halfway and left the rest for you.

You thanked him and grabbed your change of clothes and headed to the bathroom. Relieved to finally be free of the itchy monstrosity of a bridesmaids dress you sighed and put on a tank top and pair of shorts. You realized the tank top showed a little more of your cleavage than intended but you shrugged it off and exited the bathroom.

Bucky’s eyes landed on you and he took a sharp breath in but tried to play it cool. It half worked, you caught him staring a little bit and giggled to yourself. When you looked at him again he was undoing his tie and the first two buttons of his shirt. Wonder what he’d look like if he unbuttoned just a few more… You stopped yourself in that line of thinking and joined him on the couch.

“I think your phone’s gonna zap itself into an early grave with the way it’s been going off” Bucky said as he pointed to your phone on the table.

You picked it up to find you had several missed calls from your mother, one from Steve, and one very long text message from him that was already inducing a headache. You opened it, forgetting you had read receipts on. Oops. You weren’t going to read this now in front of Bucky, so you shut it off and put it aside.

“So how are you feelin’?” He asked.

“Better now that I’m out that damned dress. As for my family, they'll get over themselves. I don’t know why who I’m dating is such a big deal to them anyways.”

“You do look more comfy now that you’ve changed. If you don’t mind me sayin’ you’re just as gorgeous now as you were all dolled up”

You felt heat flood your cheeks instantly and eked out a thank you. You and Bucky talked for an hour more or so and in that time you’d found yourself nodding off with your head on his chest. On instinct he brought your whole body closer to him and put his arm around you. If you were less sleepy you’d be embarrassed but right now you didn’t care.

Bucky had moved slightly and inadvertently jolted you awake. You shot up and realized that you’d cuddled your way into Bucky’s side and now the embarrassment was catching up with you. You instantly scooted back to give him some space.

“Sorry, I uh, didn’t mean to cuddle you” You said while avoiding his gaze.

You felt a hand on your thigh and finally looked up to find him smirking at you.

“I didn’t mind it. It’s getting late though, I should get back.”

You were slightly disappointed but nodded your head. You rose and followed him to the door. He went for the handle but turned around when you grabbed his hand. He stepped away from the door and was in your personal space. You looked up at him with a shaky breath.

“Thank you, again, for what you did. It was really sweet of you.” He smiled down at you and brought one hand to your face. Oh God, I didn’t prepare for this. Your heart was beating just a little harder as you looked into his clear blue eyes.

“For you? Anytime. I had a really fun time with you tonight.”

“Me too.”

With that his other hand came up to cup your face and he kissed you sweetly. It wasn’t until you kissed him back that he pulled away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, I don’t wanna make you uncomf-”

You grabbed him by the shirt collar and brought him in for another kiss. This time more demanding but just as sweet. He let out a small moan and you swear you could’ve melted. His tongue explored your mouth while his hands moved their way down your body and brought you even closer to him. You could feel that he was hard and it only made you want him more.

Without breaking the kiss you started to move backwards towards the bed until finally you were just at the edge of it. You broke apart for air and searched his eyes only to find his pupils blown wide in lust. You cupped him through his pants and he groaned. He was big. Maybe even bigger than Steve.

“We don’t have to do anythin’ you don’t want to do,” He breathed out. You shook your head and kissed him again.

“I want you, I’m sure.” You panted out.

“I don’t have a condom”

“Doesn’ matter, I’m on the pill” You told him. With that his hands were up your tank top and you’d helped him to remove it. He worked on his shirt next and while he fumbled with the buttons you took off the rest of your clothing.

Bucky was every bit as devastating as you’d thought he’d be and you let out a genuine sigh. His toned muscles rippled throughout his arms and torso and you watched him remove his boxers and you’re not entirely sure your jaw hadn’t dropped. He noticed you gawking and chuckled as he leaned down to join you on the bed.

“See somethin’ you like?”

He didn’t give you the chance to answer though, he pushed you backwards onto the bed and kissed you again, this time trailing his kisses all the way down your body. He stopped and took his time to admire each of your breasts, licking and biting your nipples. You’d gasped in surprise and pleasure. He moved his way down finally to your pussy and looked up at you.

“Can I? You could only nod and let out a shaky breath as you sat up on your elbows and watched him get to work. He kissed and caressed your thighs until finally his fingers were prodding at your entrance. He groaned at how wet you were and pushed two fingers in. You let out an obscene moan and your hands went into his locks. His tongue lapped at your clit before he sucked on it, all the while pumping his fingers in and out of you in search of your G-spot.

You’d pulled his hair out of his bun and guided his tongue where he needed to be. Finally getting the right angle you were whimpering in pleasure, back arched almost to a point of pain. He’d finally found the spot he’d been looking for and your eyes shut closed in pleasure.

“Please,” you begged, “Please don’t stop I’m so close”

You pushed his head harder against you and his fingers sped up. It was only a matter of moments until your toes were curling in pleasure and you writhed on the bed in the aftershock of your orgasm. Bucky continued to lap away at you until you pushed him off. He came back up to eye level with you and had a wolfish grin.

“Who knew you’d make such noises? God it was so hot”

You pulled him in for another kiss and reached down to grab his cock. You pumped it a few times before you moved down to return the favor when he stopped you. You looked up at him with brows pinched in concern.

“Don’ worry about me, I just wanna feel you”

He moved you beneath him and you spread your legs apart for him. You were still sensitive in your post-high when his tip brushed your clit but you didn’t mind the bolt of pleasure. He aligned himself with your entrance and looked you in the eye as he pushed all the way inside of you slowly. You let out an involuntary moan, trying to accommodate his full length.

“You good?” He asked.

“I’m good, you’re just...big” He smirked at that.

“Can I move or do you need a second?”

“No, you can move, please move.”

One hand on your hip and the other on your breast he started thrusting in and out of you at a steady pace. You swore you could feel every bump and ridge of him with every inch he put into you. His pace picked up and he kissed the column of your neck, finding the one spot that drove you crazy. Your small mewls turned to full moans and he began fucking you harder.

“‘M not gonna last much longer” He told you. You didn’t say anything in response, just brought him in for another kiss and grabbed a handful of his ass to push him further inside you. He chuckled at that and took the hint.

He was going the hardest he had so far and you were holding on for dear life and loving every minute of it. His panting breaths were heavy in your ears and you reached down to toy with your clit so you’d cum together. His thrusts were getting a little sloppier and your hand moved faster, quickly approaching both your peaks. He let out an almost pornographic moan as he came, He fucked you through his orgasm and not a moment later you came for a second time. Your bodies melded together as you rode out the last waves of each other’s orgasms.

Finally Bucky stopped and held himself with one hand, trying to catch his breath. You were slightly dazed, trying to compute how your night had ended up like this. Bucky rolled over onto the bed and you felt the mess between your thighs. You looked over to him with a hazy smile.

“So, I know we’re doin’ things a little backwards here but, maybe I could take you out some time? If you want?”

Your smile grew even wider and your heart felt so light in this moment.

“I’d like that”

You didn’t know what tomorrow would hold or how to even begin cleaning up the mess with your family. You’d deal with it all in the morning, for now you’d just bask in the afterglow with your fake boyfriend and be grateful for chance meetings.

[spine-buster]

the hurt/comfort, pt. 2; continued.

A/N: ...and now, the resolution. And I promise it gets better from here :)

Side note: I cannot take credit for the words in the note -- they were beautifully written by the Quebecois director Xavier Dolan after the tragic passing of French actor Gaspard Ulliel, and was in his tribute to Ulliel on Instagram.

“What the fuck do you mean she’s missing?!” Rasmus shrieked frantically.

“—Listen, Aleida went out to find her—” Aberdeen tried to explain, but to no avail.

“Find her? What the fu—Aberdeen, what the fuck happened?!”

“Ras, calm down—” William tried to intervene, but again to no avail.

“Hur kan någon förvänta sig att jag ska vara lugn när min flickvän är försvunnen?!” Rasmus shouted in Swedish, the only language he could even think to express himself in right now towards his best friend. [[ How can anyone expect me to be calm when my girlfriend is missing?! ]]

“Saylor was at the game tonight and caught her in the family lounge. She made a comment about needing Bio Oil for her scars on her face and how brutal they are. Aleida caught her crying in the washroom but when she went to check on her again, she was gone,” Aberdeen tried to explain as calmly and quickly as she could.

Rasmus felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. It was almost as if he shifted back to being a young kid unable to speak or understand English when the words left Aberdeen’s mouth. It was only when the weight of the words finally hit him that he felt himself become red with anger. “She’s fucking dead,” he seethed.

“You don’t have to worry about her,” Bee piped in, still holding Helena who was sound asleep. “Aleida called Chris and had her and Gina arrested for cocaine possession in the stands. It was an entire scene. They were caught on security cameras.”

Morgan, John, William, Fred – all their jaws dropped. Fred always knew his wife still had it in her. But that didn’t matter right now – what did matter was that Lusine was somewhere in downtown Toronto and Aleida was trying to find her. What also mattered was that Helena needed to be put to bed, regardless of how comfortable Bee’s arms were. “Bee, give her to me. If I get home I can see if Aleida brought Lusine over,” Fred said, outstretching his arms.

“I gotta go find her,” Rasmus mumbled, bolting for the stairs – not even having the patience to wait for the elevator.

“Hey!” William yelled after him. “You don’t even know where she is!”

“Better to look!” Rasmus yelled back, more determined than ever to find her.

***

Lusine was cold, but the heat blasting from the vents in Fred and Aleida’s car were warming her quickly. When a nice car had pulled up to her on the curb, honking, she thought the worst if she was being honest. Like, the worst – that she would be kidnapped or something. That she’d made the stupidest decision of her life running away from Scotiabank Arena and now one of her kidneys would be sold on the black market. But when the window rolled down and she saw Aleida’s face, she wasn’t as nervous – just confused. Aleida screamed at her to get in the car so they could go back to her townhouse. Lusine agreed, because it wasn’t like she was going to start defying Aleida. If it was anyone else, Lusine probably would have ran away down an alley to lose them, steadfast on wanting to walk home alone in the snowstorm while tears were still streaming down her face.

“How’d you know where to find me?” Lusine asked, her voice completely void of emotion as she curled up in the passenger seat. She was so emotionally exhausted, embarrassed of her behaviour, and just wanted to forget about everything.

“I didn’t. I made a lucky guess,” Aleida said. “Bay Street is always the street people choose because it’s quieter and you get to be alone with your tears.”

Lusine almost hated how accurate and on point Aleida was about everything. She decided not to respond, because she didn’t know if she could emotionally take it. In the silence, a text came through on the CarPlay. “Text message from…Fred heart emoji,” the computerized woman’s voice spoke loudly. “Helena is in bed. Did you find Lusine?”

“Respond to Fred,” Aleida spoke out. She waited for the screen to change. “We are on our way home.”

Lusine looked over at Aleida. “If Rasmus—can you please tell him I’m safe but I don’t want to see him or speak to him right now?”

“I can,” Aleida nodded her head, “but you know he’ll be upset and want to see you.”

“I know. But I can’t face him right now. Not after what I did and how I feel.”

The rest of the car ride was silent. Aleida pulled up to a very posh and modern looking townhouse, parking the car in the garage. They both got out of the car – Lusine with very little life in her – and followed Aleida to the garage door that led into the house. The second Aleida took out her key and stuck it in the lock, her phone began to ring. With only a single glance down at her screen, she looked back at Lusine. “Go inside, Lusine. I’ll meet you in there.”

“Is that Rasmus?”

“Go inside.”

Lusine did as she was told. She stepped in, leaving Aleida in the garage, who closed the door behind her. Lusine stood awkwardly, not quite knowing what to do. She didn’t want to step into (what seemed like) this impeccably styled townhouse without permission.

“Is that you, babe?” Lusine suddenly heard Fred’s voice. She stood petrified in her spot as she watched his head pop out of a corner. When he saw it was her and not his beautiful, stunning wife, his face visibly changed – and softened. “Oh, hey Lusine.”

“Hi Frederik.”

“Freddie.”

“Aleida’s just—” she pointed towards the garage door, “—I think she’s on the phone with Rasmus.”

“Come in,” he said, waving her inside the house. “You want tea or something?”

Lusine shook her head. “I’m—no thank you, I’m fine,” she responded. “You have a beautiful home.”

“It’s even more beautiful if you come out of the hallway,” he cracked a smile.

Lusine took off her shoes and walked into the house gingerly, trying not to make a peep. She looked around, impressed with how styled and sophisticated everything looked. It was like a show home, but a lived-in show home. Lusine didn’t know how to explain it. It looked like it could be featured in a magazine spread, but it was also very obvious that a family lived in the space – from the playmat in the family room to the painted hand art hanging on the fridge and more. “You want chamomile? Peppermint tea?” Fred asked again, watching her as she looked around his home.

She was so shy, but Fred was being so warm that – like Aleida – she couldn’t deny him. “Um, chamomile is good. Thank you.”

He smiled before grabbing the kettle on the stove, setting up mugs and teabags. Lusine heard the garage door open and Aleida walk in. “Hey babe,” she called out.

“Hey,” Fred called back. “I’m making chamomile.”

“I’ll have one too,” Lusine could hear her. Eventually, she heard her footsteps down the hallway, and when Lusine looked behind her, Aleida was there in all her glory. Aleida put her hands on Lusine’s shoulders. “I’m going to check Helena. Then we can talk.”

Lusine nodded quietly. She watched as Aleida and Fred greeted each other, kissing and mumbling something to each other over the store before Aleida went upstairs for Helena. Sitting at their kitchen island, completely desolate, Lusine could only watch Fred as he prepared the tea mugs and filled the kettle. It wasn’t until he turned around to face her that he spoke. “Rasmus is crazy about you, you know.”

Lusine felt like crying all over again, but she kept it together. If it was so obvious to his teammates, why were there people hellbent on its destruction? “I know,” she said softly, nodding her head. “I’m crazy about him too.”

“What happened with those girls—whatever it was…” Fred began. “You’re better than that.”

“They made fun of my scars,” Lusine said. “Why—I mean, why would they do that?”

Fred shrugged. “I could tell you something you’ve probably heard a hundred times, but I’ll just tell you the truth,” he prefaced. “They’re fucking horrible people. That’s it. There’s nothing else to understand, Lusine, so stop trying to understand it. They’re horrible people, plain and simple.”

He was right. He was so right in his simplicity that Lusine almost wanted it to be more complicated because then that meant she might be able to wrap her head around it more. Sometimes, it was the simple things that were so hard to understand. “I don’t even—I don’t even care that they tried to get under my skin by telling me Rasmus tried to hook up with Sadie. It’s—”

“Rasmus never tried to hook up with Sadie,” Fred had furrowed his brows. “We all stay the hell away from that group. Plus he lived with William, and something like that wouldn’t have happened under his watch.”

She knew she just said she didn’t care, but there was still the slightest bit of relief in Lusine hearing those words come out of Fred. “Good to know.”

“And he was so angry when he heard what happened,” Fred told her. “Kasperi’s gotten yelled at by Morgan, me – on two separate and unrelated incidents – and Willy for his choice in women, so this was bound to happen. So he’ll be hearing from Rasmus too now. I don’t even think what Aleida did would cheer him up.”

It was Lusine’s turn to furrow her brows. “What did Aleida do?”

Fred smirked – proud of his wife. “She had Saylor and Gina arrested in the stands for cocaine possession.”

Lusine was stunned. Stunned. Arrested. For cocaine possession. The entire situation sounded like insanity, but if anybody was capable of doing such a thing – of getting someone arrested for cocaine possession in the stands of a Leafs game – it was Aleida Casillas-Andersen. Lusine tried to picture it – the security, the cops, the girls. She imagined shrieks. Screams. Bad behaviour.

Lusine actually laughed out loud.

She immediately covered her smile and giggles with her hands, staring at Fred who had an amused look on his face at her reaction. Then, they shared a moment – they both giggled. “Aleida’s a badass,” Lusine said.

“You don’t know the half of it, Lusine,” he said proudly.

“What are you two giggling about?” Aleida had a smile on her face as she descended the stairs, changed out of her stylish outfit and into comfier clothing.

“You,” Fred smiled at her. “How badass you are.”

She was thoroughly amused. It was the first time she saw Lusine smile in an at least an hour. “How about you go upstairs. We won’t be long,” she said, standing on her tip-toes to kiss him.

Fred gave Lusine one last nod before heading upstairs. At this point, the kettle was just starting to whistle, and Aleida took it off the stove and poured the hot water into the mugs. She slid Lusine’s to her across the counter. “You’re going to stay here tonight,” she said definitively, wrapping her hands around the hot mug. “I’ll get you some pyjamas. If you want to take a shower you’re more than welcome.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“When I spoke to Rasmus on the phone, he was a bit frantic and I had to calm him down. I told him to respect your decision, that you were safe with me.”

“Thanks.”

“But know that he’s antsy to see you and talk to you.”

“I would imagine so,” Lusine nodded slightly, taking a sip of her tea. “I’m—I’m sorry for running away from the arena.”

“What made you? If you don’t mind me asking,” Aleida said. “I thought I had talked you down enough that you would have been okay.”

“I just—I…” Lusine stuttered out, shrugging her shoulders. She could tell Aleida a lot, but some things she had to keep for herself. Or keep for Rasmus when they talked. Because she knew there was going to be a loooong talk once they saw each other again. “I just think my mind got the best of me.”

Aleida nodded, knowing in her own way Lusine didn’t want to reveal too much. Neither did she when she was a struggling nineteen year old. But that was why she continued to struggle as opposed to get better all those years ago. “Above all else…aside from anything and everything that happened tonight, and regardless of what was said to you, just know that nobody cares about your scars. I can promise you.”

Lusine nodded, smiling appreciatively. At the end of the day, that was the core of the problem – that was what set everything off. Lusine found some comfort in those words coming from Aleida. “Thank you.”

Aleida stared at her for a few moments before grabbing her mug. “I’ll go get your pyjamas. Just to let you know, Helena wakes up around seven.”

Lusine changed, finished her tea, moved some extra pillows off the couch, laid out the blanket, and settled into ‘bed’. In the darkness of the room, with nothing but the stove light on in the kitchen, she took out her phone for the first time in hours. She had fifteen missed calls from Rasmus, and thirteen texts from him.

She teared up. She’d caused him so much anxiety and stress and she wished she could just take it all back. But she also knew she wasn’t ready to text him back, because, well…she didn’t know what to say to him yet. How could she explain her actions? How could she verbalize her thoughts and what was going through her mind as the words “they’re brutal” still rung like a church bell every other minute? She knew the answers she needed and how to move on were within herself and not to be found in other people, but her mind was so tired from fighting the battle that she couldn’t see it or find it yet. It would come – she knew that – just not as she slept on someone’s couch.

She closed the texts, as much as it pained her to read them and not respond. The next thing she did was open Instagram and change her profile to a private. Too little too late – she knew that – but it was better late than never. She didn’t even bother to scroll through her feed. She typed in the only handles she needed to check.

nhlwags

The most recent post on the feed was a video. Even from the tiny square, Lusine could make out lettering in the back that made her sure it was Scotiabank Arena. She held her breath as she clicked it and watched the scene unfold from a fan’s camera: two big, buff security officials arguing with fans in the stands, the view obstructed because of their large frames. But then the fans stood up angrily, and there they were in all their glory: Saylor and Gina. One of the security guards grabbed Saylor’s wrists, while the other grabbed Gina’s, and both of them took out handcuffs at the same time. The text overlay on the original video read “Ppl getting arrested at the leafs game??? WTF LOL”, but the owner of the page – and people in the comments – had all the information anybody would ever want.

nhlwags: LMAO can’t believe this actually happened!!!!! Saylor Greene and one of her friends apparently got arrested in the stands of the game!!! Public intoxication? Disorderly conduct? Anyone have details? Video sent by anon.

katcargill16: was in the last row in this section. Saw them being escorted out in handcuffs. No word of a lie, I heard the security guy say cocaine. On God.

leafs4ever: LOL WHAT THE HELL

franciejean: kappy sure knows how to pick ‘em

ellaellaella: was also there. def cocaine possession. those girls were high as a fucking kite. does it surprise anyone, knowing what we know of saylor and what she tried to do to aberdeen bloom when she worked for the leafs? girl is a mess.

Though she was shocked at the length Aleida would go to in order to avenge her, despite barely knowing her, Lusine locked her phone and placed it on the coffee table before bringing the blanket up to right underneath her chin. It was time to go to bed. No more thinking. No more watching videos. No more reading gossip. No more reading comments. No more thoughts of “they’re brutal” repeating over and over in her head. The day was over. It was time for sleep.

It was time for the day to end.

***

Rasmus couldn’t sleep. At all. He’d been tossing and turning all night, unable to sleep more than ten or fifteen minutes at a time. It was abysmal. All he could keep thinking about was what had happened to Lusine, and how he couldn’t be there for her. He imagined every scenario of how he thought it went down in his head. He thought of thousands of possibilities as to how the words were said by Saylor. He knew how those words had the capacity to cut through Lusine’s soul – and they did.

He finally kicked the covers off his body just before 8am. He looked at his phone to see no replies to his text messages or calls. He let out a shaky breath, hoping and praying that Lusine was still safe with Aleida. Maybe he’d call Aleida to see how Lusine was doing. Maybe he’d just show up to their townhouse and ask to speak with Lusine. Whatever grand idea he came up with next, however farfetched, would be much better than lying in his bed, mind in a daze, thinking about how much Lusine was hurting right now.

So he resolved to do just that. He pulled himself up out of bed and stripped down to take a quick shower – getting all the grime and the memories of being worried sick yesterday off his body. When he was finished, he wrapped a towel around himself and went out into his kitchen for some water.

And that’s when he saw something peculiar at his front door.

Something had – miraculously – been slipped under the door, and lay alone on his floor right beside his mess of shoes. He was generally a pretty clean guy, so he knew it wasn’t something of his. He approached it quickly. The paper was small, crumpled – the type of paper waitresses would write your order on at old greasy spoon diners. He picked it up.

***

Lusine heard a banging on her apartment door and automatically knew that Rasmus had gotten her note. She had surprised herself that entire morning by not crying – not when she got re-dressed in her clothes, not when Aleida came down with a happy Helena, not when Aleida offered to drive her home but she said no because she wanted to walk and clear her head – but she knew she was going to cry now with Rasmus here. It was on that walk that Lusine thought of the sentiment she eventually wrote down on the old piece of paper; it was on that walk that Lusine made a promise to herself to tell Rasmus everything, and not leave anything out; it was on that walk that Lusine resolved to build back what was taken from her by two simple words.

She took a deep breath before she opened the door, but nothing could prepare her for the weight and the power and the haste of Rasmus’s body wrapping itself around hers. It felt like all the air was taken from her lungs, but she quickly regained life in her upon feeling Rasmus’s touch on her body. “Oh min lilla fågel,” he let out, his voice shaky and relieved and tortured and soothed all at once as he buried his face deep into the crook of her neck. “Lilla fågel, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, clinging on to him so tight that when he lifted her up into his arms, her legs wrapped around him automatically. “I’m so sorry I made you worried last night.”

“Shhh…” he cooed, taking his head out from the crook of her neck. “You don’t need to apologize. You just need to tell me what happened. How I can make it better.”

“Not right now,” she shook her head. She valued the feel of his touch too much to spoil it with memories of yesterday. “Right now I just want you to hold me. Will you hold me?”

As if Rasmus would say no. He carried her to her bedroom, closing the door with his foot as he saw Piper laying down in the bed, no doubt having just been cuddled by Lusine before she opened the door for him. Rasmus brought them down on the bed and held Lusine; Piper took her cue to climb on top of them, nestling between them. For a few moments, as they lay in bed together, everything was perfect; it was like they were their own little family and there was mothing in the outside world that could spoil it.

When Lusine finally spoke, she told him everything. Everything. Every last detail of the interaction and how she felt. What Aleida said and how she took it. How she ran out of Scotiabank Arena because she wasn’t thinking straight but also couldn’t bear to be in the same building as girls who made her feel the way they did. Her feelings walking alone sobbing on the streets of Toronto. Rasmus listened to every word. He got angry when she told him about the interaction with Saylor and needed to be calmed down. He got curious when he was told everything that Aleida said. He got angry again when he pictured Lusine walking the streets of Toronto alone. He softened when she told him what Fred said to her. It felt like he went through every emotion he possible could before she finished.

“You don’t think…” she began, almost holding back her words. “Do you think my parents were right?”

“No,” he said definitively, shaking his head. “No way. You proved them wrong. They were never right.”

“You don’t think—” she stopped again, composing herself. “You don’t think it was a mistake moving here, do you?”

“No. God no,” he said, kissing her. “If you came here, I would have never met you. And what kind of life would I be living?”

Lusine began to tear up again. “I don’t want to be a burden to you like I was on my parents.”

“No no no no no no no no,” he cooed, shaking his head before giving her a kiss. “I don’t want you ever thinking that again, okay? How could—how could you even? You are not a burden, never have been to me and never will be.”

“I just love you so much, Ras.”

“I love you too,” he kissed her again, for a long time this time, before finally pulling away. “What can I do to make it better?” he asked again, just like he did earlier when he burst through the door and clung on to her for dear life. He kissed her lips quickly.

“You make everything better by just being here,” she said, bringing her hand up to caress his face. “I mean it, Ras. Being here right now cuddling with Piper is the best thing in the world.”

He cuddled closer into her, burying his face in the crook of her neck before placing soft, sweet kisses on her skin. She began running her fingers through his hair. “What if we go get married, hmm? What if I bring you downtown and we got married.”

That somehow garnered a giggle out of Lusine – an honest to God, music-to-his-ears giggle. “You wanna make me a teen bride?” she quipped back.

“I wanna make you a bride. I’ll marry you right now, lilla fågel.”

Lusine couldn’t help but smile – because she knew Rasmus was being 100% serious. And to be fair, a small part of her wanted to take him up on the offer. “Okay,” she wanted to say. “I’ll put on a dress and we can go to City Hall and get married.” But the rational side of her mind prevailed instead (which was good, because she’d acted irrational by running away last night), and she made him look at her instead of hiding his face in her neck. “Someday,” she kissed the tip of his nose. “Today I just want to lie here with you and Piper and leave everything in the past so I can think about everything that’s ahead of me.”

And they did just that. They cuddled with Piper, and Rasmus even fell asleep with his face tucked into the crook of her neck. They got up to take Piper out for a walk around the neighbourhood in the newly fallen snow and held hands the entire time, even stopping to kiss every so often. When they got back, they cuddled again and Rasmus took another nap with Piper lying with him. Lusine thought the scene before her was perfection.

Because it was.

The little life she’d built with Rasmus and Piper was perfect.