Tumgik
#names meaning independent
beaulesbian · 6 months
Text
i was rereading some water 7 chapters, and the introduction of kaku was so funny. i love when luffy and zoro are using the same braincell even at a distance
luffy meeting kaku, ch. 325 "usopp?"
Tumblr media Tumblr media
and zoro meeting kaku, ch 326 "oh, just usopp"
Tumblr media Tumblr media
vs. Egghead arc and meeting kaku again post time skip - with nothing really changing of how luffy perceives some people (ch. 1078)
Tumblr media
and also kaku meeting zoro on the sunny on Egghead prior the scene above and their lines echoing the first meeting on Water 7 - "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" vs here "Who dares to disturb my nap?"
Tumblr media Tumblr media
214 notes · View notes
blorbobutworse · 18 days
Text
Hey guys,,,,guess whos not dead?!
Teen Dad Logan :)
Or, I suppose more accurately, Young Dad Logan. And by adjacency, Uncle Dad Victor.
This turned out to be one of my largest pieces of writing ever Bee-Tee-Dubs so its going to be under this to not Kill You All:
So in this AU they meet when they're 10 and 11, Jimmy just out of foster care after they found out he's a mutant, and Vic a few weeks after murdering his Father.
At first, it's honestly Jimmy showing Victor a lot of things. Simple things, like how to forage and how to scent, but it's all...quiet. Jimmy already carries a sense of shame for his ferocity that Vic never enjoys. So he draws the kid into fights, helps him laugh until his face is red with laughter instead of shame. He learns about him, and in turn Jimmy learns about him. Happy enough kids until things turned south. One was locked up and the other ran away. They escaped and found each other. It was meant to be.
Victor gives him his new name. Jimmy hasn't felt like His in a long time and the first time Vic calls him Logan, he beams.
Vic still calls him Jimmy when he's scared, but it's their little secret.
Anyways, they stay rough and tumble until The developers in the Weapon X project find them, aged 14 and 15 respectively. It's Victor's idea that they stay. Logan, for all his desires to settle down, feels chafed by the military, but Vic sees through that, see's what they could be, in the future. See's him and his Runt living free after serving, what's a few years as lab rats if they get all their adult life? What's being looked at like a monster when he's allowed to be a monster and still get schooling? Logan doesn't think any of these things, but when Vic nods, he does too.
They're only allowed to be together for the first three months, and then their forced apart, to 'reduce codependency'. They last two years without each other, and when they're reunited...things are different.
Creed has grown into his role, with each murder proving that his dad wasn't special, he's always been meant for this, how dare Anyone Try to stop him. He's become an Animal. Sabretooth.
And Wolverine....is Wolverine now. But doesn't take long before Vic realizes somethings wrong. Wolverine glances at him, but there's no glint of recognition in his eyes. As Creed starts to question him, he thinks it's a clone. So he Kills It.
Its only the third time Logan revives and puts his claws through Creeds chest that Creed realizes it's his runt. Still, being forgotten stings, being ignored stings worse, and there's a lot more blood shed before the guards are able to separate the two.
Safe to say they butt heads a lot more. Vic goads him often, word for word the way he used to, and like a house of cards, Wolverine always folds. The only times he seems to come back to himself for a moment, are the moments after Creed's killed him, and he's just waking up. He'll get a look on his face, one Vic recognizes. He's seen it a hundred of times before, even if the runt always tried to hide it:
Fear. Exhaustion.
They never talk. Victor pets his hair as Logan's throat is rapidly sewing itself back together, or Logan rumbling under Vic's body as his puncture wounds close. In those moments, Logan Remembers.
...
It all starts to fall apart when one Logan Howlett, at the fresh age of 18, is chosen to become Weapon X.
Creed sees red. This was HIS goal, His to earn, that stupid brat doesn't even want to be here, Logan doesn't even remember why he's-
He doesn't even remember why he came here in the first place.
But Sabretooth is smart. He figures out when, and where, they're going to do the operation. And obviously, he bursts in.
As he does, he overhears a Commander noting that they should 'wipe wolverines mind clean one last time, to make sure he's only obedient to them.
And that is First Strike.
Victor lashes out, taking down a doctor and a guard before anyone can blink. But his noise distracts the surgeons and other doctors carefully monitoring The Wolverine's Adamantium intake, and one of them nudges their controls in their scramble to get away, pushing significantly more onto his skeleton than originally planned.
Victor stops when he hears screaming.
Logan hears....nothing. He knows the procedure is going to begin, but he doesn't know when. When the burning starts, he goes to that little place in his head he pretends he doesn't have. He sees flashes of Creed's face, snarling and smiling, and he feels...safe. He sees white, and red hair and...hears yelling. His eyes open, and immediately close as salt water rushes into them. He breathes unsteadily through his
The water stops draining but the burning doesn't stop. Worse, his head feels like it's being torn apart, a feeling he remembers but can't name. And suddenly, nothing matters because,
Sabretooth is calling him Jimmy and why why WHY DOES EVERYTHING HURT OW OW OW OW OW OW Victor help please please plEASE PLEASE VICTOR VIC-
...
Safe to say the adamantium causes even more psychological damage to them.
There is one single benefit: The Memory Adjustment failed. In fact, it failed so bad that Creed, for three whole days, get's Logan to himself.
They don't do much. Logan wakes up and launches himself at Vic, legs collapsing as his ligaments struggle to accustom themselves to the weight of his new bones. He's in constant pain, mostly just looking at Vic with big, sad brown eyes until he lies back down with him on the shitty Hospital ordered bed. It creaks under them, but thankfully never gives.
When they do talk, they don't talk about the memories. About Wolverine gutting Sabretooth to prove a point, about Sabretooth biting out his spinal chord, about Wolverine ripping out his teeth in claws. None of it matters. They know it can't last. Creed didn't plan, and Logan is too weak to think, not that he does much of that in the first place.
After those days of clarity post operation, Logan is wiped clean. And for the next year, it's back to normal. For Wolverine at least.
But of course, Logan has to beat him to the punch. Literally.
Around a month after the one year anniversary of his Surgery, Wolverine comes Bursting through the training rooms, with twenty guards hot on his trail. Sabretooth, a Predator, Obviously follows. Logan runs and runs and runs, and eventually rips the door of a particular room, to reveal...
an eerily large room filled with tubes. There's wires and things being suspended in liquid, and at first, Victor can't comprehend what he's looking at. By the time he reads 'X-02', Doner Wolverine, Logan's already broken three of the tubes with his claws, uncaring of the thick glass cutting him open in retribution for being shattered.
people go flying, and as they hit equipment the room itself begins to collapse, separating Sabretooth from Wolverine. Wolverine continues through the rooms, ensuring that there's nothing deeper inside that can help them make more of him. He has enough nightmares. Sabretooth stays back to help finish the job. All those tubes don't destroy themselves, you know?
He finds a room full of his samples, and a woman in a chair. A woman with a bullet in her neck instead of her head. Poor thing had probably gotten caught in between him and the guards. But why was she just sitting-
The woman has a baby in her arms, tubes still attached. He growls for a moment, moving to finishes her off, but freezes when she and she's groans.
"Laura...Laura..."
Logan looks at her little beady eyes, mousy brown hair, and knows...she's his.
Before he's even thought about it she's cradled in his arms, evidently all wrong because she starts to wail and Vic skids in, shoulder denting the doorframe as he stops and stares at the scene in front of him.
The woman gives one final shudder, and her head lulls. Dead.
Still, there's no time to think. Victor hears thuds getting closer to the room, and as he looks to his right he realizes there's only one way out. The window. Oh well.
with a swear, he lifts Logan by the back of his jacket and gives him a shove, and his back goes strait through the paneling and out of the fourth story. Victor whoops, and follows him down. By the time he's already made his much more elegant landing, Logan is groaning and cussing him out as much as his winded lungs will let him, which is a surprising amount. Still, Vic scruffs him again and sets him on his feet, and nods in the direction of the woods.
"Lets go"
And they do.
They end up being surrounded by the X-Men somewhere in Maine and are "Invited" to Stay at Xavier's school. Logan decides for them this time. A house, a promise that the government will be dealt with for them, and that he can get all of his memories back are very good motivators. And they an finish their education.
Victor actually...enjoys classes. He likes being smart, and it's easy. Logan does Charter school. He had lasted exactly a week in public education before deciding that if he had to deal with one more idiotic comment from one of those stupid fucking kids he was going to-
Well. His words were Not Child Friendly, so he made sure to cover his kid's ears. Besides, he's bonded with fellow teen Rogue and preteen Jubilee and Kitty (his daughters) like little sisters, but he never really settles unless he's with his Kid. His Laura.
He had to fight to keep her, a young unstable mutant like him was not the ideal parent, but for the first two months, she sobbed if anyone else held her, terrible screeches, and would reach for him to the point of falling out of peoples arms. And, he had imprinted on her to. He swore he could tell when she was happy or uncomfortable before she could, would burp her or flip her back onto her back before she got fed up with tummy time.
Vic is Terrified of touching her but refuses to admit it. He carefully runs his finger down her pudgy little cheek, in awe of her soft skin against his knuckle, when she moves suddenly, and she attempts to nuzzle her way into his palm. He, obligingly, opens his hand. When one of his claws scrapes her hair, he freezes, waiting for her to cry out. Instead, she burbles happily, honey brown eyes giving him long, slow blinks.
She likes his head scratches the best.
Logan sometimes falls asleep with her on his stomach on the couch, leaving Victor to carry him AND his clingy baby back to bed, the crib next to them so Laura can still grab onto Logans finger. They sleep together now, in a nest of blankets and pillows, Logans hand always off the bed but still somehow still touching Vic, as if to make sure he's still there.
Their codependency is back full swing, and the only time they can be reliably separated is when Vic goes to school, because he goes with Scotty, and the Boy Scout would never let anything happen to another mutant, even if that mutant makes him want to shoot him with his laser-beam full power just to see what would happen.
Thankfully, because of Victors presence, the Mind Adjustment does actually work, but it leaves Logan questioning his parallel memories for years. In the process they realize that...Victors memories have been tampered with too.
But that, is a story for another time.
25 notes · View notes
kivaember · 7 months
Text
had an idea for a post-FoR nightfall/621 oneshot idea, but i'm laughing bc the premise is like, so after 621 does Fires of Ibi 2: the electric bugaloo, he escapes to wander aimlessly on some random planet, completely lost bc he has no idea how to function outside of a handler+hound framework, and doesn't even have ayre anymore. nightfall comes to investigate what's happened to the raven that succeeded him, and is like oh, i gotta bully you back into shape, but they only know how to use tough love...
but really it's just gonna be like this when nightfall drags 621 back to branch like:
Tumblr media
44 notes · View notes
subsequentibis · 8 months
Text
i think part of what Gets me abt metalocalypse is how clearly the people making it really love metal music, like i've mostly seen it in extras and non-show material (skwisgaar guitar lessons, charles on the phone talking abt vintage guitars, defense of speed guitar in the comics) but then of course like. all the music for the show whips ass as genuine metal songs of their own accord, they put the effort in on music videos & visuals, it all just rings true with this genuine passionate love of the genre and i truly don't think i'd be half as interested without that beating heart at the core of it.
48 notes · View notes
ridl · 11 months
Text
Tumblr media
it's my birthday so i made a low effort meet the artist for fun ft. my new fursona lol
29 notes · View notes
mymarifae · 2 months
Note
i'll be honest op, my main issue with calling aventurine kakavasha is that hoyo heavily used romani culture and history when creating his character and literally made up a name out of romani's festival (kakava) yet refused to give him any melanin romani people have...i would rather not abide by such a crude use of actual existing culture of a strongly discriminated group. so uh. that's why hcing him leaving that name behind is picked by people, in my personal moment bc i don't like how hoyo treats cultures. no offence or aggression to you, of course /gen
hmmm. i see what you mean but, anon, that's... just whitewashing him further, ultimately. because 100% appropriately handled or not, that's what the significance of jade telling him the name kakavasha deserves to be buried in the dirt was. detaching him from his culture and the ties to his family and making him a more palatable part of the ipc's white-based status quo.
like, idk, you are aware that aventurine is rroma, right? he's not white, and simply dropping these parts of his character and treating him like he is isn't... this isn't doing anything. listen, hoyo's bullshit is never-ending so of course he's white-passing, and i'm just as frustrated as everyone else because dark-skinned rroma never get their representation; they're always depicted as pale, and while that's how some rroma people look, it doesn't fairly encompass them as a whole. but the response can't be to just chuck the representation out the window entirely and perpetuate the cycle of whitewashing him..??
12 notes · View notes
Text
Tumblr media
based on a tweet i saw
35 notes · View notes
navree · 3 months
Text
you can't do the "i don't care about the baby killing because we don't know anything about jaehaerys" bit while carrying on about the mop with googly eyes known as lucerys velaryon. at least i can name A character trait for jaehaerys, luke was personality-less when he showed up and personality-less when his boring ass got munched.
13 notes · View notes
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Recent game related things .. hrmm...
#I do like the inconsistency of the first map. that is actually something older but that I re-found and added to my Game Reference stuff#so that when characters reference where they're from I can be accurate. I like that the whole map is kind of shifted up that way. Where the#actual south part doesnt even count as the south since its Too Far and Scary lol. and if you say you're from 'the north' thats basically#like.. one single continent. Though some people do make distinctions like 'north midlands' or etc. still. I like the ways that common#language isn't always precisely accurate like that. and thinking about why a culture would classify things a certain way or etc. etc.#The inventory page is so funny to me because it's literally just the BASe like.. sample layout just to make sure it works properly with 0#actual design into it. just colored rectangles thrown together in MS paint. but what if I like... left it like that.. what if all the other#art in the game and UI is like stylized and fully matching BUT the inventory/journal/etc. screens I just left as plain colored blocks#with random misalignments and black spots and etc gjhbhjj... It looks unfinished in a Funny Contrast way to me.#the wordcounts are just like... my past few days of writing.. I am still not getting 2200 words a day done or whatever I needed. I'm lucky#if it's even half of that .... tee hee.. :3c I do also keep having appointments and other things going on but..grrr...#The full map of the area is probably not necessary but I thought it would be more realisitc if people were able to reference things. Like i#you have people all living in a city area probably at some point someone might mention a neighboring city or some landmark nearby#or etc. so I thought having at least the basic names of what's around for reference would be sensible. A side character mentioning#'oh yeah I don't live here full time I just travel from Marisene sometimes' or whatever makes it seem more like a Real#Fleshed Out Place than people just making vague references like 'the river' or 'i come from a city nearby' or 'i went to a place somewhere#around here' or 'the other city' or etc. lol.. Especially since global cities/global areas are weird as they operate almost like an#independent country within their walls. so it's like a micro country inside of another country usually. just plopped down in some agreed#upon plot of land that won't be too disruptive to the main country around it. That could get very complex depending on the cultural and#political backdrop of where they're placed (though obviously they try to choose the 'easiest' areas possible for it). Asen is a very mild#country without much history of conflict or anything so it's fine. But still interesting that Sifeh and the entire branched out global area#border three other districts of Asen. Which means like 3 times the local representitives you'l have to negotiate with for some major change#or anything. I think one of the 'random characters you can find around the world and have short discussions with just to make the area#feel more populated and real even though theyre not actual important npcs' is going to be a guy who actually serves on the council that#handles running the global areas and he's like.. some perpetually exhausted middle aged elf running around with a clipboard or whatever#ANYWAY...... hrgh... still trying to write when I can....#I WISH so badly that I had the scope for a simple character creation menu and all character interactions would allot for the background#of your player character. And also to have a simple day night cycle where places in the world you explore/people you talk to during the day#have new options or dialogue at night.. BUT alas... I already am so behind on everything as is lol.. aughhh... T o T#As the worlds number one Needless Detail And Complexity Enjoyer i must dilligently prevent myself from adding additional complexity
4 notes · View notes
dbphantom · 2 years
Text
So those death flags on Roberto eh... Meryl is definitely using that derringer after he dies, right? It's her signature gun, there's no way she won't...
57 notes · View notes
dykeogenes · 1 year
Text
“what to tell a doctor to get an autism diagnosis” “here’s what i learned from realizing i was autistic at 40″ “i would never want a professional diagnosis” “person first language is so regressive” “autism symptoms are only a problem because of ableism” “we dont need treatment” “no autistic person wants a cure” “four doctors told me i couldn’t be autistic so i found a fifth” “autism is an invisible disability” “dont disclose your neurodivergency to employers” “i/dd and autism have nothing to do with each other” “nt parents/advocates have no place in autism communities” “of course im autistic have you heard me talk about horror movies” babe i have nothing in common with any of you
#completely insane that i will go on autism twitter and somehow i am ''low functioning'' compared to the rest of the people on there.#what are you TALKING about. dont disclose your ''neurodivergency'' to your doctors?? autism is an invisible disability?#we live on different planets. like i think we live on different planets.#sorry but i am twenty two years old and my mother has a fippa exemption to access all my medical info bc if she did not#i would not be able to access healthcare.#the only reason i can live away from home is because i have a cell phone and internet and can keep in touch w family.#my legal government address is my father's house where i have not lived for seven years#because if an important document gets sent to my apartment i will lose it or forget about it and i know this because it's happened.#like ... yeah ! autism IS a spectrum ! and you are not doing such a good job recognizing and supporting people who are#in very different places on that spectrum than you !#it is. i mean it's kind of a form of hermeneutical injustice to argue that there is no meaningful difference between various groups#of autistic people#like yeah functioning labels suck ASS. also you DO need to be able to identify that there ARE people who need more support#because if you can't name that then you are going to forget that they exist#and i see that all the time. it's aspie supremacy by another name#by erasing people who did not have the privilege of self-diagnosing#who do not have the privilege not to disclose#who do not have the privilege of independent self-advocacy#you are going to end up achieving the same thing that actively dismissing those people achieves#like. i dunno. like i said it's completely bonkers in yonkers that EYE and the UNIVERSITY DEGREE EYE WILL BE GETTING IN TWO MONTHS#and my LEASE and my RESPECTABLE RESUME and my INCOMING SOCIAL WORK LICENSE#feel alienated by the default presumptions the ''autistic community'' seems to operate from about how autistic people function#like jfc if i feel erased and unwelcome then how are you EVER going to make your community accessible and helpful#to people who need miles more support than i do??#rhi talks#autie tag
34 notes · View notes
I am visiting extended family and experiencing a spectrum of shrimp emotions both positive and negative. Positive because I love them and love spending time with them. Negative for reasons I feel so self conscious about I can’t bring myself to explain them outside of the tags even in my anonymous personal blog. I can’t sleep even though I’m exhausted. every night I’m pacing from anxiety as I try to figure out which parts of me to be honest about and which to conceal for the sake of not? Deeply hurting the people I care about? Even though I haven’t done anything wrong so if they are hurt that’s not on me.
#this post is primarily about whether I confess that I categorically and completely do not believe in the divinity of Jesus#And maybe telling them to stop trying to make my Jewish faith about the guy because that is offensive along multiple axes#So far I’ve been evading things and giving noncommittal answers to their questions but I feel so… dishonest#Not that I owe them honesty. Their questions are not appropriate#But I feel like I’m not being honest and respecting MYSELF by not owning my own deeply held beliefs#And I have no reason not to tell them except fear that they’ll be upset. Even though that reaction would be on them and not on me!#Once I start my PhD in the fall my stipend will allow me to be financially independent. I am exceedingly privileged in that regard#So there’s no financial risk to me if I alienate them to the point of cutting me off. Not that I think that’s remotely likely.#My own immediate family have been really supportive. My mom especially (my brother less so but he’s trying and I think he’ll get there)#But also. Jesus is so important to them that the one thing I could see myself getting cut off from at least extended family over is this#I’m so frustrated with them and honestly hurt by all the Christian supercessionist bullshit they’ve foisted on me this week#Trying to contort my faith into some validation of theirs. Completely steamrollering and erasing all the beautiful and unique aspects of#Judaism in the process. Trying to explain my own religion to me even though I’ve studied it for YEARS#There are some things they’ve said that are so offensively wrong it hurts#They mean well but honestly it makes it feel even worse#I feel bad but… it’s gotten to the point that I viscerally hate any mention of Jesus#Used to feel neutral about him. Could talk about him positively in the name of interfaith understanding#But the more my family tries to force him on me the more I loathe the idea of him#vent#personal#religion#religion tw#sorry I know this is potentially sensitive subject matter for people#Christian antisemitism
3 notes · View notes
im2tired4usernames · 4 months
Text
I hope what ever asshole cultist invited the stay at home daughter movement a very your dick gets rips into bits and eaten by pigs
#the stay at home daughter movement RUINED MY LIFE#IT RUINED MY CHILDHOOD BECAUSE I WAS FROCED TO BE A HOUSE SLAVE AT AT NINE INSTEAD OF A KID#IT RUINED MY HIGHSCHOOL LIFE AND ALL LIFE PLANNING BECAUSE I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO GET MORE THEN THE BY LAW NEEDED SCHOOLING BECAUSE I WAS#WXPECTED TO BE A HOUSE SLAVE TO MY FAMILY UNTIL THEY PAIRED ME OFF TO A HUSBAND THEN ID BW HIS HOUSE SLAVE AND SEX SLAVE BECAUSE MY JOB IS#CLEAN HOUSE COOK POPULATE THE QUIVERFULL AGENDA AND HAVE 160 KIDS THAT'S KIDS AND NO INTEREST NO HOBBY NO INDIVIDUALITY JUST#CHRISTIAN HOUSE SLAVE OOPS I MEAN WIFE AND MOTHER#IT TOOK AWAY ALL AGENCY I HAD IN MY LIFE BECAUSE MY PLACE WAS CLEANING N COOKING NOT SCHOOL NOT JOB NOT FRIENDS NOT GETTING SMART NOT#GETTING INDEPENDENT IT DRIVES YOU TO RELAY ON A MAN COMPLETELY AND TO SUBMIT COMPLETELY YOU HAVE NO SAY YOU ONLY EXIST FOR WHAT WVER JOB TH#MAN WANTS YOU TO HAVE#I HOPE WHOEVER INTERDUCED THIS TO MY PARENTS CULT GETS EATEN SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY#I'VE NEVER TRIED TO BETTER MYSELF GET MORE SCHOOLING GO FOR A DCENT EDUCATION I'VE BEEN FROCED TO BELIEVE I CAN'T SURVIVE BY MYSELF AND#THEY'RE PROBABLY RIGHT BUT FUCK THEY MADE ME SO STUPID AND.I LET THEM BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT GOD NEEDED#FUCK GOD FUCK RELGIOUS MEN AND FUCK ALL PARENTS WHO PURPOSELY SABOTAGE AND HOLD BACK THEIR CHILDREN FOR THEIR BENEFIT#I'M ANGRY#I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT LIFE I NEED TO FUCKIN GET OUT OF THIS CULTIST HELL I'M TIRED OF LIVING BY THESE STANDARDS AND RULES I WANT A SAY IN MY#LIFE I WANT A LIFE INDEPENDENT FROM GOD AND HIS FOLLOWERS I WANT A SAY IN MY LIFE#I WANT TO BE A PERSON AND NOT PROPERTY OF NO ONE NOT MY FATHER NOT MY MOTHER NOT MY BROTHERS NOT MY HUSBAND NOT GOD FUCK THEM ALLLLLL I WANT#TO BELONG TO ME AND ONLY ME AND I WISH I HAD A WAY OUT THAT I COULD SEE AND ACTUALLY OBTAIN BUT I JUST DON'T#I DON'T HAVE ANY HOPE FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE THE STEPS WILL NEVER BE TAKEN FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER I WILL DIE A DAUGHTER AT HOME I WILL DIE#SERVING THIS CULT AND THEY WILL USE MY CORPSE FOR WHATEVER SERVES THEM ALSO MY NAME WILL BE USED IN WHATEVER WAY PLEASES THEM#I WILL NEVER BE MYSELF I WILL NEVER GET AWAY EVER IT'LL JUST BE IN DAYDREAMS AND WORDS BUT NEVER REALITY
4 notes · View notes
frogteethblogteeth · 2 years
Photo
Tumblr media
PÉNITENCE Un baiser á la Capucine. Ecole de Médecine. Grisettes et Etudians. designed by J. J. Grandville and lithographed by Auguste Desperret. Paris, France, ca. 1834
29 notes · View notes
pocketramblr · 1 year
Text
"ilia might be named after the Iliad" no. Ilia might be named after Ilia, aka Rhea Silvia, aka Servilia aka Aemilia, which were all names for the mother of Romulus and Remus. You know. The ones then raised by a wolf.
8 notes · View notes
soul-spoken · 5 months
Text
I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma
We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.
I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to
I wish my brain understood that
#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh#and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but#i feel so clingy and embarrassed#and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college#that doesn't matter anymore#i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time#but i think i need to#i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names#i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer#i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things..#cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small#i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself#to mourn and exist. to just.. be#be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax#i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle#i feel so guilty over these wants and needs#i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them.#i wish i was different#i wish i was me. but me before#when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties#but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away#like middle school. keeping the mean kids away#i love him. i want to feel loved#i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever#and i feel so guilty#trav.txt
2 notes · View notes