#my therapist told me I should have killed myself by now lol

[anglophobelit]

I can’t tell if my support systems are shit or if I am just that much of a crybaby. Probably both

[calcitedraws]

FENS DIARY

Tw: Mentions of death, suicide, depression, brief mentions of sexuality and Fen being generally sort of creepy and trying to rationionalize it.

Around 2,300 words

This was supposed to be a few entries and I got too invested lol and I use y/n because I'm old school. Also when Fen says 'Im not a girl' that isn't indicating a bio or gender identity I was just including the fact that they're nonbinary.

November 17th

I haven't written in a while, eh? After… what happened I sort of shut down for a while. Even now I want to shut down, but my dad always said I should face things head on. Ok, as my therapist used to say: if I don't know how to word something I should just say it as plainly as I can to get started.

I'm in pain.

I can't sleep I can't eat and I can't fucking breathe. The only person making sure I have a moderately healthy sleep/wake cycle is Dandelion, and even then he doesn't seem to mind if I sleep on the couch all day as long as he's fed.

I'm packing to head down to the funeral and I came by my journal. I don't even know why I'm doing this. This is fucking stupid.

I'm scared of seeing them. I haven't seen my mom or siblings in… 5 odd years? I never even came out to them. I'll have to explain so much that I'm just not in the goddamn mood to. I don't even think they want to see me. Dad told me that once they figured out the whole situation that they didn't take it well.

Dandelion keeps curling up in my suitcase. If he behaved better in crates, I'd bring my little man with. But he chews on the bars and yowls, so I'm leaving him at one of those pet boarding places.

November 19th

I don't want to go tomorrow. I'm sitting here at this shitty hotel desk that's sticky in this shitty hotel room that smells like booze and mothballs. There's a weird mark on the carpet and I can't decide if it's old blood or a shit stain. Either way it's suspiciously big. The people in the other room keep having really loud and bad sounding sex, all the damn time. Like, literally, their headboard is apparently against the same spot as mine, because the thumping keeps me awake. I tried to move my bed and found another stain that I'm convinced is blood. I put the bed back and slept on the tiny couch in the room. I'm pretty sure there's bedbugs on every fabric surface.

OH MY GOD THOSE TWO ASSHATS ARE HAVING SEX AGAIN!!! WHY ARE THEY BLASTING THAT ONE SONG FROM SHREK 2 I HATE THIS HOTEL

November 20

I'm just sitting here. At this sticky desk again. I don't think I can do this. It's 3:30 AM and I can't go back to sleep. Waiting for my sleeping meds to kick in.

My therapist always said that the best time to journal about something is when it's the hardest to think about.

I wish I had someone. I like to think soulmates exist. Maybe Dad was right and that's all horse shit. Maybe I should just throw myself into oncoming traffic instead of going to his funeral.

I've been paying more attention to cars recently. Funny how many look like my dad's.

I think the meds are kicking in? No clue, maybe I'm just too angry to think.

—---------------

It's 8:10 AM and I need to leave in 20 minutes.

I've decided to go, because I owe it to him. I think I'd hate myself more if I didn't go.

What do I even do if I see my mom again? Is she even my mom? Am I allowed to wave if she spots me? Will she even recognize me. I can recognize her. I've been cyber talking her Facebook. Her husband and her just got back from a weekend trip to the Bahamas.

I haven't dared look for my siblings. I miss Sherry.

Had to take a minute to reign myself in.

I'm glad my aunt (my dad's sister) took care of the funeral prep. Shes nice. Haven't talked to her in a half a decade, I should send a nice letter after the funeral.

The thought of coming back to that house alone is killing me. No more face times. No more random phone calls. No more sending him pictures of weird stuff Dandelion did.

I need to head out soon. My hair is greasy. My eyes hurt. I look like shit. But I have to go.

I forgot to charge my phone last night but there should be enough juice in it to get me there and back. Don't know where I'm headed since I've never been here. My dad said I wouldn't like where he lived because it's crowded. Maybe I can just throw myself into oncoming traffic after.

—----------------

I think I met an angel.

I got lost after the funeral and my phone died. I started crying in the middle of the side walk like some fucking weirdo when I spotted them.

They were so cute, in their cozy sweater and jeans. They asked what was wrong and I said I was lost and that my phone died.

They actually lead me back to the hotel! Apparently they live here in the city too but near the outskirts. I never got their name, I'm such a fucking idiot.

I've always felt like there's been a wall between me and other people. But with them… I didn't feel that. I felt I had known them all my life.

Shit, here I am rambling about someone I just met after going to my dad's funeral.

It was awkward. Like, painfully awkward. No one approached me. My dad's funeral was closed casket, which all things considered, makes sense. But I felt like if I opened that casket it'd be empty. It was a weird feeling.

I didn't know any of his friends and only Sherry showed up to the funeral. I don't know why but that somehow made everything worse. Sherry couldn't even look at me. I didn't stick around long afterwards. She looks so different from when I last saw her (why did she go blonde?) but I recognized her instantly.

I'm packing up to head home. I technically don't need to go until tomorrow but the longer I stay here the more I feel the need to itch the back of my throat with a shotgun. At least at home I can cry into Dandelions fluffy belly.

January 8th

—------------------

Guess who's forced me out of rotting in my bed? My boss threatening to fire me if I don't log on and do my job!

A fair point, but fuck him anyway.

I said I'd log on today and he seemed satisfied.

So here I am instead, procrastinating. I can't keep my eyes open for very long. I mean, I logged on and have been reading meeting notes. That's progress.

Dandelion has been very accommodating with allowing me to randomly pick him up and cry loudly into his fur.

Oh! I found a new cat! Her name is Queenie and she's a little black cat. I found her right outside the hotel I was staying at before the funeral. I thought she had that lethal cat bloat I had heard about, but she was just really pregnant! Like, ready to pop pregnant. She gave birth on Christmas and now I have a small army of tiny black and orange kittens! I woke up to 6 of them on Christmas morning. They're all so small and cute and they won't stop meowing very very loudly. I got Queenie spayed as quickly as I could afterwards.

Queenie warmed up to my quickly despite being a stray. I named her that because she's a little diva. The amount of times I had to separate her and Dandelion from fighting over mutually favorited spots is well, embarrassing since these are two adults. But now? Queenie just lays on top of Dandelion and he seems to enjoy it.

Why am I jealous of two cats?

January 15th

—----------------

Oh my God I found them. The person who saved me and lead me back to the hotel, I found them!

Ok, so, I'm a penetration tester, which means I hack into systems. It's boring so I never talk about it. But, the job we were handed made us pen test a random hospital and I found them! They went in for a checkup recently and I found their data while spelunking! I took a picture of their government ID before I could stop myself.

I can't believe I found them! I clicked on a random name because I liked the way it looked and it leads me right to them! I know it's them, because the ID card looks like them and says they live near where they said they did.

I've been looking at our star signs. I also found their social media and they're so chatty! I think they just think their friends are watching because they post sporadically. I scrolled through everything I could find during my lunch break.

Oh my God I sound insane. This is insane and totally illegal. I need to step back and calm down.

January 25th

—----------

I tried!! Couldn't step back couldn't calm down. I've been cyber talking a stranger for like, a week now.

But I've come to a revelation: I'm very greasy. I haven't showered in… no clue to be honest. I only realized because I accidentally leaned against the sliding glass door and my head left a strong imprint on the glass.

I haven't changed my bedsheets in a while either. Or vacuumed, or cleaned the kitchen, or swept the patio. So instead of any of that I have spent the entire afternoon paralyzed on the couch in sustained fear. Dandelion has joined me.

February 4th

—----------------

I finally got fed up of being greasy and took an actual shower instead of sitting under the water staring at the floor and disassociating for like, half an hour. The sheer amount of dead skin I scrubbed off is embarrassing.

*Y/n* (the name of my angel) talked about spring cleaning early online. They even have the link to their favorite songs to listen to while cleaning. I recognize some of the songs but most of them are new to me. Maybe if I listen to the playlist it'll make me want to clean?

Update: It did. Managed to clean the kitchen and living room before getting tired. Maybe I should start working out again…?

Feb 14th

—-------------

Y/n is single! (Very good information to know)

When I clean I just put y/n’s play list on and I'm suddenly full of energy.

I think it eases the loneliness. I miss my dad.

Feb 20th

—--------------

I've discovered something about myself that I can't unlearn. I think I have a praise kink?? I was watching my favorite show with Dandelion and one of the characters that kind of looks y/n said ‘good girl' to the main character and. I got so horny I had to pause the show and sit in silence. I'm not even a girl. What the fuck just happened? I think the cats know because they've been staring at me judgementally all afternoon.

March 1st

—-------------

Lasagna is my enemy.

April 29th

—------------

It was my dad's birthday yesterday. He would've been 46 today.

I sort of shut down for the entire month, again. House is a fucking mess. Only think I can manage is taking care of the cats, who don't seem to mind the mess.

I just wish I had someone. The house is pretty quiet. Sometimes I put the TV on to avoid how quiet it is. I miss talking to my dad, about literally anything. The weather, what my cats were up to, about my dad's new girlfriend of the week, literally anything. I miss how funny he was. I remember when I was in secondary school how him and I would watch TV every Friday night and eat Mac n cheese from the box.

May 1st

—--------------

I think I'm in love with y/n?? Is that a thing you can do? I had a dream we went on a date to a coffee shop and then we went home and made dinner and I kept making them laugh and smile and when I woke up I just burst out sobbing. I literally couldn't calm down for who knows how long.

But I want something like that! I want it so badly! I want to make them dinner while they talk with me! I want to cozy up to them on the couch while watching a movie! I want to hear them breathe next to me at night!

So I might've done something maybe unethical. I located their IP Address. Which isn't bad since I already know their physical address and their safe with me and it's not like it's illegal to find it!

May 10th

—------

So I did something stupid. I did something really fucking stupid I hacked into their email. All it took was a phishing scheme and bam, I was in. And Lord knows how everything is connected to emails nowadays. I'm a criminal now. I've been reading their emails for like, three hours. I mean… the government can like totally see your emails so it's not that big of a deal?? Right???

Oh my God I'm a criminal now!

But I'm learning so much!

May 18th

—-----

The time has come. Queenies kittens have all found new homes, I can't have all these cats in the house. But I kept my favorite kitten; Cali, the little calico. Short of Hotel California, My dad's favorite song.

Cali is a menace against society. He's chewn through wires, eaten pillows, and I've had to take him to the vet twice for eating batteries. I don't think another family can handle him.

I like to think he gets this from Dandelion, who despite being well over ten years old still chews on wooden furniture.

June 19th

—-------

I've been trying to find a way to say this that doesn't sound bad. But like, I literally can't? So I'll just say it.

I broke into y/n’s phone.

I'm not doing anything bad! I just want to see what they're up to! I won't use this to hurt them so it isn't bad, is it?

I've been watching them play candy crush for 45 minutes. They're bad at candy crush but something about that is so cute! I've downloaded candy crush. Maybe I can play the same levels at the same time as them…?

I've also been eating meals with them. They watch stuff on their phone as they eat and I've started eating at a regular schedule again. But their diet sucks so much?? Why the fuck are they eating gas station sushi so often? I'm scared they'll get worms!!

July 1st

—----------

What if my cats tell me neighbor I got high???

July 2nd

—----------

So um, I tried edibles for the first time yesterday. You'll never guess how it went.

Anyways, high me decided that cleaning the entire house was their sole mission. Thank you, high me.

July 19th

—---------

I finally gathered the courage to go into my old room.

I only had the attic room because everyone had their own rooms and I was sick of sharing with Sherry. So, my dad fixed up the attic and gave that room to me for my 10th birthday. When everyone left, I took over Sherry's old room. Mom only left the mattress and headboard, so it didn't feel like Sherry's anymore. All that's left is the thumbtacks from her old posters.

Anyway, my old room is just how I left it. Dusty, but the same. I even found Howie, my old plushie! I took all of Howie's stuffing out and it's in the wash right now, but they still have the old lavender satchet I put in them. I don't know what to replace it with, to be honest.

[chemicalcarousel]

just finished watching that 2 hr colin ross lecture about DID and it was so good. i had no idea schizophrenia used to encompass DID when it was coined, but it makes so much sense with the name "split mind" and why people mix them up all the time and also why we were suspected to be psychotic at first. it's just scary that modern psychiatrists still can't tell the difference. we really recognised the struggle of "not fitting in any diagnostic box" (what multiple doctors have told us) because our symptoms seem kinda psychotic at first glance if you don't know much about traumatology

it's really wild hearing someone describe a patient with DID and relating so much to it, when you're used to being told by doctors in your life that you're such a weird case and maybe you have thing unique disorder that hasn't been described in literature yet. it's scary because DID is so common compared to what doctors suspect. i have very clear symptoms of being traumatised, i openly tell them i have complex childhood trauma, yet they think i can't have a trauma disorder or at most they might say bpd. i'm so obviously fragmented!! there's a reason i was all over the place symptom-wise when i was hospitalised for depression!!! some days i seemed not depressed and other days i almost killed myself because i'm dissociative!! like i didn't know back then either, but doctors should have noticed. they should have screened me for dissociative symptoms!!! they should do that with all patients, especially when they are fucking hospitalised!!!

i have switched to child alters in front of my psychologist before and she just wanted to see me "do that voice again" while i was so fucking scared because i didn't know what was going on. i know she probably said it to see if it was voluntary that i could change my voice, but it felt so humiliating and like i was a circus freak the way she asked. like she already knew it wasn't voluntary and it was a response to being triggered in therapy because we talked about my childhood trauma!!! she'd said she knew it was an automatic reaction i had to being triggered, still she said i didn't have "real flashbacks" so i didn't have ptsd and it was all just bipolar, which it turns out i don't even have!!!! lol she ended up giving up on me and passing me on to some other therapist, but man... she made me almost kms so many times lol i know she didn't mean to, but she was so fucking bad at her job imho

it was so fucking funny to have entered the clinic in 2018 with my own personal suspicious being that i have cptsd, then getting told no i don't until late 2023 where my 2nd therapist asks me if i know about cptsd and that i seem to have it BITCH I KNOW LMFAO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS BUT YALL GASLIGHTED ME INTO THINKING I COULDN'T HAVE IT AND TOLD ME I WAS PSYCHOTIC AND NEEDED ANTIPSYCHOTICS, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MOOD STABILIZERS AND DIDN'T LISTEN WHEN NONE OF IT WORKED!!!!!

man.... and now im waiting like 69 weeks for my next psychiatrist bc i gave up on that shit clinic, who didn't want to transfer me to their trauma department because i didn't have war or service related trauma..... even though i found out they also treat other cases than that............ this system is a fucking joke. also the 69 weeks is not for a specialist, this was just the quickest i can see a psychiatrist without trying to kms and being involuntarily hospitalised. i'm just gonna see some normal psychiatrist and idk if she even believes in DID bc i didn't get to talk with her, only her secretary. so maybe when that year and three months have passed i find out she only knows how to diagnose anxiety and depression <333 or maybe she's homophobic or transphobic, bc that's something i've also experienced! <3333333

man.... i was brutally abused by my family and neglected by the system since before i was born and now im just.... stuck here with an illness there's a cure for, but with no access to it!!!! and it's not like i haven't tried getting help - i've been in and out of psych treatment from age 14-27!!! i've read up on shit myself bc here doctors just say "idk take this pill and stfu, hysteric woman" like i've been misdiagnosed so many times now.... at least im almost off all of my psych meds now! like they are good for some, but i was literally just fed pills for shit i didn't have and when i wasn't feeling better, they just upped the dose and told me i'd be more unstable without it when this doctor had never seen me without it and i've been on it for like a decade, still super unstable <3

long rant/vent lol but idk man it's just nice getting some of this out of my system

[storiesofsvu]

Happy Thursday hoes, let’s get to it!

Todays pros: citytv thinks im in TO so I’m getting it started at six!

Cons: no subtitles.

Alright, OG up first.

Love this new detective that’s a fanboy of everyone, makes me miss rollins lol

Pls let it be a female perp. We love a good female perp.

Okay seriously, this very subtle shaky cam is fucking terrible and hurts my head.

The GROAN I let out at the sight of Samantha in her well fitted pants suit sitting there like a fucking badass pissed off look on her face. Ma’am. Please. (yes, she is the only reason I watch this show)

Okay, the pedo may be the only eye witness, but they still have blood on the murderers pants, don’t they? Would that not tie it together enough? Or is it because the eye witness was the one who lead them to him? God I hate the legal system.

I REALLY wish this show would show more of the arguing between Nolan and Sam, like these two do NOT see eye to eye or have the same opinions on basically anything. And while I know major fighting would be called unprofessional, we at least used to see the lawyers get into it, or bantering. There’s so many times that you can tell just by the look of her face that Sam’s pissed, that she doesn’t think highly of him or his decisions on cases, like she hates him. I wanna see that play out on screen LOL

SVU time!

Let’s see if this week is any better than the last ones

Liv back in therapy, we love to see it.

A crumb of EO? Will that keep the crazies at bay? (like, I don’t even ship it but fuck am I sick of it now, the baiting is hella annoying and terrible, make it happen or not, don’t keep leading the actual ship fans on…)

Uhhh… is there not some kind of patient dr confidentiality? Like this bitch could have just lost her job (esp with someone like mcgrath involved… wtf..)

ITS THIS KIND OF SHIT THAT MAKES ME FERAL. In previous episodes they’ve had situations where shrinks couldn’t testify when they were the ONE witness, and like the entire case went into the trash because of it based off this exact type of situation… where TF is the continuity??

Okay… so she’s a minor so I can see the loophole here, BUT the therapist should have told her parents….

I knew it wasn’t the math tutor…

Ok… so mcgrath threatens to kill the math tutor, but when they’re picking up the son across the street he goes rage on benson?? And the iab captain? Shouldn’t you be attempting to punch the kid or something? God I really hope this ep is his last…

“can you drop that to me?” good thing Bruno’s there cause fin would have ZERO ideas on how to do that…

“until the age of 25 the male brain is about as useful as an electrified meatball” jfc… that wins for best line of the night.

Where the fuck is Velasco? Like.. man deserves his paycheques too..

Okay, mcgrath’s wife needs to shut the fuck up, liv’s trying to help her daughter and she accuses liv of gunning for mcgrath’s job.. jfc..

I was expecting mcgrath to throw hands not pull out his fucking GUN jfc… and like.. that was infront of two cars, that’s gonna be on a dash cam somewhere…

This is one of those one case turns into 4 but there’s only 5 mins left of the episode… cmon…

“I guess I didn’t see it in myself…” THANK YOU I was just gonna bring up the whole half assed back plot of mcgrath being abusive… (which is on par for cops, and ironic that the woman playing his wife was the wife of a cop who abused/raped her in 1.o)

This very much seems like a good bye. Pls let it be a good bye. Petition to bring back Garland!

Okay… im confused, I looked at my phone for 5 seconds and lost track of what was happening. Is the iab captain joining svu, cause that doesn’t work…theyre both captains. Or is she saying she’ll be filling in for mcgrath in the meantime??

Onto OC!

Okay, I am incredibly thankful for carisi on oc, but he’s the *sex crimes* ada.. not the only Manhattan ada, he wouldn’t be prosecuting this case… lol

Me: “wait I thought he was an officer.”

Reyes: “detective?” *side eye*

Me: ah yes, okay he was promoted the writers didn’t forget between weeks.

God this entitled pos teenager… wtf… its not *your* house bitch.

Ah, thank god, here’s the arguing that was missing in OG, not surprised its Elliot. Lol.

Oh god..the bratty teen overheard that didn’t she? Fuck..

God… this girl is gonna blow the entire thing, isn’t she? Like, in todays day and age with all the social media and how teenagers (and some adults) don’t know how to go without it, there’s no way they’d cut contact with everyone and delete socials and keep things quiet.

Aaaaaannd here we go. 5 seconds in and she’s blown their new location. (also WHY would the cops even tell them the location? That seems like something they wouldn’t do until they were halfway there…)

Okay… we’re missing a daughter.. I don’t know if this is supposed to be Maureen or elizabeth but I’m assuming liz as it looks like her kids are twins and she was the twin… Also where’s dickie? (I know the brother said something about someone not being able to get a flight? Im just deaf and without subtitles I couldn’t tell ya what exactly was said lol)

How old is this younger brother supposed to be? The only info online I can find is the actor is 50 which im not sure I believe.

Okay there’s dickie he’s in the background!

These guys KNEW they were in a high risk situation and none of them have a vest anywhere near them? ARE WE DUMB?! IS IT OUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB?

Okay, there’s the other kid.

Maureen and Kathleen giving side eye while sipping their drinks while the tea is being spilt is the highlight of this moment.

This is SOOO awkward for everyone else at the table jfc… ESPECIALLY Eli’s poor girlfriend.. like. Welcome to the family drama, don’t worry we never have to come back…

Why the fuck did jet not grab the other gun?!

Me: unfazed at Elliot body slamming a teenager.

Bell: *casually* “I’m shot”

Me: ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING IF WE FUCKING LOSE HER I WILL ACTUALLY RIOT.

(BUT ALSO MAY WE STEP BACK TO 8 LINES EARLIER WHERE I WAS YELLING ABOUT THEM NOT HAVING VESTS ON?!)

I knew this other captain was going to be coming more into play, but im pissed its cause bell’s out with a gunshot wound.

Christ.

Okay well, another week and OC is continuing it’s reign as superior of the three!

Some pics for context/hilarity

[originalitysquared]

Told my sister I could never be 100% honest with a therapist, cause if I did I would be institutionalized.

And she asked me what the point was and like, lol I don't have to tell a therapist how bad I wanna be dead for them to give me advice.

She sat there saying if a therapist ever made me feel judged in some kind of way I should fire them but like, bro I do not have a rational view of the world and think everyone hates me and feels disappointed by me. My therapist can say "Well..." and I already thought I failed the interaction. I would be so stressed going into therapy because I would worry about what to say at all. I would cry a lot and apologize. I lied to my therapist and said I wasn't smoking weed before our sessions, but I would. I would get so anxious and scared of not being a good patient? Or like? Not doing good in therapy?

Now I'm also supposed to tell them I've been suicidal since I can remember? That when I get stressed I think about killing myself a lot but I know I won't actually do it cause I pinkie promised myself that I wouldn't when I was 16?? Because I had to go to a classmates funeral after he commited suicide and his dad was openly sobbing at the funeral and all I could think was that my mom would do the same and I could never let that happen because then my mom would take all the credit for having a poor sad daughter and none of the blame for never helping me just like my classmate's dad did. Like. I'm just supposed to tell people that?? I feel annoying. I feel lame. I feel not really all that mentally ill suddenly. I have much better things to do.

Do I feel safe? Duh. I only know shitty situations, I only know instability and poverty. This is the best position I have ever been in and it just continues to be getting better as I work on myself. Like I don't need a therapist to tell me everything is gonna be ok. I am stronger than that.

Thing is. I'm scared I'm gonna make it to the end. Live my whole life in this fear and with this giant hole in my chest. Longing for something that mommy never gave me. Like I already know all the problems, I already know what the issue is. I need someone to talk to who isn't gonna put me in the loony bin if I mention some of the things that go on in my head!! And what if it's all "eat well" and "exercise" I HAVE BEEN!! AND I DO FEEL BETTER!!! BUT THAT DOESN'T FIX MY CHILDHOOD!!!!

How long until it stops hurting your feelings that your mom didn't love you? [Therapist voice]: well Cats, you see, it's all a matter of perspective. No one can tell you when that will be.

I need to figure out what I want. I'm tired of all of this.

[limeade-l3sbian]

I hope it’s ok that I vent.

I hate my therapist.

I hate being heterosexual.

I told my therapist I was sad I didn’t experience romantic love, and she projected onto me what she finds fulfilling and said “it can happen at any age.” Made me just wanted to die in my sleep.

My father asserted dominance over me so I couldn’t have a bf. I felt a lot of my needs met when I was being loved bombed by someone who had romantic feelings for me and I’m sad I didn’t experience that because of my father. I can’t accept what he did to me, because that means any man can do that to me, and I know it’s no just in my head.

I wish I never experienced feeling dirty, used, and violated, I wish I had experienced romantic love.

To this day I still get nightmares of my father lol it will never go away.

For my health and safety I think I should avoid men.

She minimized ad downplayed my loss. I don’t want a bf now I’m too awake now. I just wanted to be loved.

Why are so many women therapists who have never experienced real betrayal or pain? They pity me as if having a bf to lean on will take all my problems away, it’s more likely that they will rape me. They just think women are crazy and male violence isn’t that bad. I miss the manipulation from the love bombing, I was only 15, I felt so loved that I almost accepted his advance, then I remembered my father’s threats he said were “just jokes” when he said with sexually charged undertones “he would like that” and pretend like he was gonna take a photo of me in my swim suit and send it, which confused me because it was modest, he would “joke” about how “this is how guys are” and it made my skin crawl. He molested me when I was 4 years old I didn’t remember till I was 19, and I was terrified of how he would dominate me if I had a bf. I feel rage because my father essentially wanted to own my body… I couldn’t have a bf. I wasn’t safe.

That’s what I told her too, “do you want me to get raped?”

I don’t trust men now. I remember what they’re capable of. And I’ve heard other women’s stories and I’m scared. I want to heal from the limerence romance obsession. I also want to heal from the conditioned arousal around my own oppression, and the desire to kill myself. But I have to convince every therapist that men are dangerous.

I really wanted to go into psychology myself because I feel more women would benefit from feminist psychotherapist therapy; if I were a therapist I would tell women they are essentially the whole package, and if they are going to date men, then to be cautious and to please educate themselves on all the red flags, to value friendships too. I care about women’s safety.

I would also just be human and say “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

That’s all I wanted to hear, not some Bullshit about how it can “happen at any age.” Even my therapist is not rooted in reality. She invalidated a real loss because she invalidates the reality of male violence. As if you aren’t more likely to meet an abuser and the odds of meeting someone respectful is slim to none. Men don’t respect women. You can’t love someone without respect. So no it can’t “happen at any age.” I want to heal and let go, and I am scared I’ll never heal, with the amount of therapists like this.

Tbh, anon, I don't have the necessary amount of knowledge and understanding of certain things you mentioned to really help with words. But I would say if you feel a calling to change that sort of lack of humanity you see in psychology, then go for it. I think having more therapists who take a more understanding route is more than a good way to heal yourself and to heal others.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. But I truly do wish you luck. 💜

[regular-lord-reckoner]

you know when you have a bad day but you tell yourself, "well, maybe tomorrow will be better, it has to be, right?" so you even go to bed early just to get to that better day and then it gets here and it's actually worse ?! like ten times worse ?? lol

yeah, it's been one of those

i guess my iud's still working itself out because i'm having yet another two week long sorta period where i'm not bleeding as much but i'm getting pretty much everything else, which means two weeks of pmdd now and two weeks of on and off extreme irritability and just being generally over-stimulated as fuck

this week in particular has been really hard to get through and there's like ten million things about work right now specifically that are pissing me off, but namely it's being behind on a task i'm supposed to share with someone else who i know for a fact is sending my mom tiktok videos all throughout the work day so ti's like, hey, that's awesome !! i'm no longer allowed to get overtime which is fucking killing me because i "stole company time" but i guess if you do it on site nobody cares !!! cool cool cool.

also fascinating to me that i apparently never made up for the time i "stole" when i was working off the clock and yet this particular task was never in the goddamn 300 and 400s like my inbox is every day but hey, that's fine. those are just sick patients waiting for visits, who cares ?! and who cares if you've told your manager more than once that nobody apparently knows how to mark asap and stat tasks so you often find a bunch of them just....sitting there, a week old or longer, because they're mixed in with all the regulars !! awesome, awesome, awesome

meanwhile i've been trying to find other jobs/second jobs whenever i have a spare moment except the other day it's like every job website wasn't cooperating or their search results are so scrambled by ai that you have to sift through every listing by hand because no amount of choosing "remote only" or "entry level only" does a damn thing

i did apply to one and got a little into the process but had to take a 30 minute long test that i didn't do so good on so i got rejected and then there was this other one that i thought sounded great but they want me to film myself answering interview questions ???? i just....i don't feel comfortable with that, i'd rather they just schedule me for an interview and then i can hop on camera but....alright

i'm sure something will turn up eventually and god i hope soon because i am.....struggling right now (i fucked up paying one of my credit cards and paid the wrong one instead so now i'm in trouble with discover and have to set up a payment plan with them to get back on track and it's like twice the amount of money i was already giving them a month so that's super duper; also one of my medical bills i could have sworn i had a payment plan set up with and they would just automatically take the payment out but they sent me a statement the other day saying i have a new due date and i should probably just call them and sort if out but it's been too much to deal with at the moment !! thankfully i have a little in my hsa so i figure even if i'm only making small payments at least i'm doing something; i really don't want to get turned over to collections or fuck up my credit any more than i already have. but hopefully i'll find either a better paying job or a second job i can squeeze in and take some of the pressure off. fingers crossed and good vibes appreciated and all that)

anyway, that was yesterday and then today it's been my mom. she's been...struggling pretty bad today. since before noon and pretty much all day long.

i don't really want to get into it because it involves some of her personal stuff and it's just been a lot today, but i feel so fucking drained

i think she's got an appointment coming up with a therapist, i really hope she follows through with it. if not i'm not sure what's going to happen, but i don't think it's going to be good if things continue on like this.

i know ultimately that's out of my hands but it still sucks. it sucks to watch everyone you love self-destruct in front of you and there not being a goddamn thing you can do about it except just hope they pull out of it or y'know....go to therapy

not saying it's a perfect solution or a quick fix and lord knows i'm overdue for an appointment but that'll have to wait as well until i can get my financial shit together because i've decided i do at least want to pay her back. i know it's been a while and i probably could have done it sooner if i'd just prioritized better, but i think it's the right thing to do. she did help me a lot and i appreciate that.

i also appreciate my mom, i know i'm hard on her sometimes, and my dad, but i do love them both and am grateful for them. i just wish they would both heal, not even for my sake at this point but for their own.

i was inevitably impacted by their lack of healing despite their love and i've had to sit with that for a while now. and sure, there's some part of me that does want to just say well fuck them for not being perfect parents to me and my sister and making us both have to learn how to self-soothe (clearly not well) and for forcing us to have to learn emotional intelligence on our own (also not well) but another part of me is like....hey, the shit they've been through is obviously difficult to deal with, especially for two people who came from times and place where that's just not how you handle things, you develop a sense of humor about it and keep pushing and you bring kids into this world and try to do a little better.

and they did, but....some things did kinda miss the mark. me being me, though, i just figured if nobody was going to teach me i'd try to teach myself and even if i don't get it perfect i at least try to minimize the impact i have on others

it's why i don't have many friends, it's why i'm a bit of a hermit these days and it's why i don't date

is that healthy?

no, probably not and again is something i should probably work on in therapy but in the mean time i am trying to make peace with myself and with the things i can't change and just....do whatever i need to in order to be well, even if that means i have to be even more selfish than i already am, it's either that or....i dunno. i definitely won't be the best version of myself and i don't want that.

i do want a better day tomorrow, though.

i hope i'll have one.

and i hope soon things get a little easier, somehow, some way.

sometimes i get the impressive there's this idea of me that my life's gotten better but it hasn't really, i've just tried to have a better attitude

i often hear chloe price in my head saying, "ever since my dad died my life's been dipped in shit" and that feels......pretty accurate

i'm just trying to find the good parts in between all the shit but every fucking day has been a struggle and it feels sometimes like i'm going to be stuck in this hole for the rest of my life

i really hope i get out some day

and i really hope tomorrow's a better day

and if you're reading this and it's also been a bad day or week or month or year(s) i hope it gets better for you soon, too

i know there's an ebb and a flow to all of this, ups and downs but it's felt pretty down for....years now and i'm just hoping for a chance to get my head from under the water, even if it's easier to scream down here

anyway, i'm gonna go watch something to turn my brain off and probably call it another early night

g'night <3

[justtogetthrough]

Thinking about the doctor who stitched me up, a resident my age, and who was so gentle and caring in everything she did, meticulously working on my arm while talking to me and asking me questions, knowing that I needed so much more than stitches that night. And the moment where she stopped to examine her progress, assess next steps, and must have looked up and down my arm while I laid flat on my back staring at the ceiling while I cried and we talked, and how tenderly she brushed her fingers so lightly over a cluster of of raised scars on my upper arm. How much my memory of that night, distressed and dissociated and urgently wanting to die, gets grounded to that moment of feeling her fingers move so gently over the bumpy scars I also rub my hand over a lot like a xylophone, or piano keys.

I am so starved for love and care as it is, and I've sustained so much gd medical trauma in the past few years, that it was this strange moment where on one of the worst nights in my life, it was a doctor who made me feel so calm and cared about for 2 hours.

I don't remember feeling any of the needles because she kept me talking and distracted, but I was so distraught I was physically shaking for a good portion of it. A few times she'd stop and ask if I was numb enough/make sure that I wasn't feeling what she was doing, and I'd confirm I couldn't. But at one point she stopped and said you're shaking, and put both her hands on each of my arms for a few moments to pass on her warmth and then got me a heated blanket before continuing.

Even after she finished she stayed with me for half an hour. The ER was so busy that night but she spent two whole hours tending to me because my therapist canceled on me that day and I'm trying not to alienate my only other support. When we bantered about removal of the staples and stitches and I told her I'd take them out at home, and she tried to argue that staples need specialized equipment so I should come back to the ER for it, and I told her I have the specialized equipment because, well, look at me, she said that I should come back anyway because maybe she would be working and she'd be able to see me again.

That almost made me cry. I did almost debate going back to the ER to have them removed when I discovered the special pliers missing. But I didn't want to risk going back and her not working and having to waste someone else's time, so I bought a new tool and it arrived the next morning and I dealt with it myself. She had gone out to read my file about the staples and had offered to examine them/provide wound care but I had them covered with a fancy ass dressing I didn't wanna take off. But when she read my file she came back saying staples need to come out on ___ date and the stitches ____ date. And I just smiled at her and was like yeah, I might leave them in that long lol. She repeated that she highly encourages me to come back and see someone, that they're there for this (which is sweet but I know she is the only doctor alive probably who feels that way).

Yesterday was the staples date she gave. I wonder if on her next shift she's going to check to see if I've been back since Monday.

I've spent tonight laying in bed trying not to think about how badly I want to die because my body physically can't handle any more damage right now and my mind just... keeps going back to this doctor who showed me so much compassion, especially in stark contrast to the doctor who stapled me 3 nights previous and was in and out with not a single extra word more than was necessary to get the job done.

My memories from Monday night jump around so much but something about her touching the scars on my upper arm. It's like when Kagome tells Inuyasha to sit. My brain snaps to that. Also this doctor LOVES Inuyasha and told me I can't kill myself, I have 2/3 of the series left to go and I was like lmao that's literally exactly what my friend said to me 4 hours ago too and I wish I was capable of caring about anything like that right now ;___;

[makerofmadness]

yet again i have decided to make incorrect quotes

The Puppet: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone. Toy Chica: Mine just says "Toy Chica no." The Puppet: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

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Lolbit: Hey, if you type in your password, it'll show in stars. Lolbit: ********* see! JJ: hunter2 JJ: Doesn't look like stars to me. Lolbit: JJ: ******* Lolbit: That's what I see. JJ: Oh, really? Lolbit: Absolutely. JJ: You can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2. JJ: Haha, does that look funny to you? Lolbit: Lol, yes. See when YOU type hunter2, it shows it to us as ******* JJ: That's cool. I didn't know this site did that. Lolbit: Yup. No matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as ******* JJ: Awesome. JJ: Wait, how do you know my password? Lolbit: Er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause it's your password. JJ: Oh, ok.

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Toy Freddy: I have a problem. Toy Chica: Kill it. Toy Freddy: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

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Toy Freddy: I’m the smartest person in my friend group. The Puppet: You hang out with Toy Chica, Toy Bonnie, Mangle, and Balloon Boy. The Puppet: It’s not as high a compliment as you think.

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Happy Frog (with a gun): Underestimate me. That'll be fun.

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Moon: Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and strings kids.

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Phone Guy to Jeremy Fitzgerald: First rule of battle, little one... don’t ever let them know where you are. Fritz Smith, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! Phone Guy: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought.

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Murderer: Any last words? Funtime Chica: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.

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Jeremy Fitzgerald: Who's in charge here? Toy Freddy, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.

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Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Roxy* Roxy: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

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Chica: We need to open this locked door. Bonnie, give me your credit card. Bonnie: Here. Chica, pocketing it: Thanks. Foxy, break down the door.

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Therapist/s: Hey, are you okay? Vanessa: Yeah. Therapist/s: You don't look okay... Vanessa: Then stop looking.

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Michael Afton: I trusted you! Circus Baby: Why?

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William Afton: You have your weirdly sincere humility. Henry Emily: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.

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Fazbear Entertainment: We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without? Customer: Dave, probably.

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Henry Emily: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely. Gregory, Michael Afton, & William Afton: Okay. Henry Emily: If you don't want to die, give me all your money. Gregory: Bold of you to assume I have money. Michael Afton: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die. William Afton: Bold of you to assume I can die.

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Toy Bonnie: When I said you should try being friendlier this isn't what I meant. Toy Chica, stirring a cup of tea aggressively: Oh, so now I'm TOO friendly? There's no pleasing you. William Afton, who broke into the pizzeria an hour ago: Two sugars please. Toy Chica: Coming right up.

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Michael Afton: *watching his house burn down* Michael Afton: Michael Afton: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

(slightly inspired by @wtfgaylittlezooid‘s youtuber michael afton au)

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Toy Bonnie: Like, no offense to myself and all, but what the fuck am I actually doing?

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Balloon Boy: Can I have some? Toy Chica, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it.

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Gregory, holding in his laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing? Glamrock Freddy: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language. Gregory: Gregory: Water you doing?

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The Puppet: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Cassidy? Golden Freddy: No. Freddy: I do! The Puppet: I know, Freddy. Freddy: I’m sad. The Puppet: I know, Freddy.

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William Afton: Tommorrow's garbage day. Henry Emily: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.

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Daycare Attendant: I am a responsible adult! Vanessa: *raises brow* Daycare Attendant: I am an adult.

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Michael Afton: Kill me nowwwww. Elizabeth Afton: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.

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Henry Emily: I love murder mysteries! William Afton, trying to impress him: I've been a suspect in four murder cases.

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The Puppet: Cassidy, can I speak to you for a minute? In private. Golden Freddy: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

(after Glitchtrap happens. tbh i kinda headcanon that Cassidy keeping William from going to hell had to do with him being brought back, like he would’ve just stayed in hell if it hadn’t been for a certain vengeful spirit not letting his soul go) 

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Daycare Attendant: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Freddy periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’ Daycare Attendant: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

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Toy Freddy: We’re kind of missing something guys. Toy Chica: Cohesion? Toy Bonnie: Teamwork? Mangle: A general sense of what we’re doing? The Puppet: And Balloon Boy is not here. Toy Chica: Oh, and that, yeah.

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Roxy: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and guess what? I'm in your driveway. Gregory: Roxy: Vroom vroom, come out already.

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Toy Bonnie: Firstly, how dare you use mathematics to make me look stupid! Toy Bonnie: I’m actually very good at mathematics. Toy Bonnie: Thirdly, I think you might be right.

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Lefty: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to? Rockstar Bonnie: Schrödinger's boys. Rockstar Chica: FUCK! Rockstar Foxy: What about cracking open a cold milkshake? Rockstar Freddy: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.   Rockstar Freddy: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison. Lefty: ... Rockstar Bonnie: ... Rockstar Chica: ... Rockstar Foxy: ... Rockstar Freddy: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

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Crying Child: *lying down and crying* William Afton: There, there. Why don’t you take some time off to not be around me while you’re like this?

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Freddy: Where's Foxy? Mangle: Don't worry, I'll find him. Mangle, shouting: BB sucks! Foxy, distantly: BB is the best person ever! Fuck you! Mangle: Found him.

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Crying Child: Do we have any orange juice left? Michael Afton: *pours the remaining juice into his cup* Michael Afton: Sorry, we’re all out.

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Funtime Foxy: Who hurt you? Michael Afton: *snorting* What, do you want a list? Funtime Foxy: ...Yes, actually.

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William Afton: Did you miss me while I was gone? Michael Afton: You were gone?

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Luis: Are you coming to bed? Vanessa: I can't. This is important. Luis: What? Vanessa: Someone is wrong on the internet.

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Vanessa, talking about a Lil’ Music Man: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos. Vanessa: Oh no, where did it go? Dave (probably): VANESSA WHAT THE FUCK?!

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Sun: You are banned from the Mickey Mouse Club for inappropriate behavior!

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 36

today's therapy session was ok. I wasn't super happy with the content because it was a lot about my mother.. again. But she is a bit more present at the moment, which already triggers a lot of anxiety, but I'm fighting it successfully, mostly with going to the gym and idk, trying to cope somehow, because in the situations when I'm sitting in bed and having anxiety levels as if I was getting chased down a road by someone who's trying to kill me, I haven't found anything yet that helps me calm down, I just have to sit there and kind of wait it out or live with it, idk.

We talked about how my anxiety levels are this high since my mother is trying to contact me in different ways and I feel attacked by her because of how she's doing that. The last attempt was over a third person, my administrator for my study-funding, lol. She called her multiple times and cried about how she's feeling so bad and is scared I might be impacting her health in a bad way etc, all because I adressed her in my letter to her with her surname. My administrator told me this and talked to me in a very serious and concerned voice and was obviously completely manipulated by my mother. She told me I might want to think about that for a second and how I'm acting towards my mother. I only answered that I'm sorry she had to listen to that and that there is a pretty long prehistory to why I addressed my mother with her surname (instead of "oh my dearest and loveliest best mother on earth" or whatever she would like to hear instead). I didn't really have the guts to tell her more and in therapy we kinda analysed that a bit and on the one hand I was scared to provoke more stress, on the other hand I was pretty sure that my administrator wouldn't believe me because she was captured by the story she got told by my mother. Really effing crazy that she's actually trying to get at me again and trying to have some kind of force over me. Fuck this crazy b., I'm stronger now and she's not gonna win this round, not any round any more. A few days ago (before I got the info of her manipulating my administrator) I had a dream where she completely freaked out as she did many times when I was a child, and I had a similar dream a few months ago and talked to my therapist about it because it affected me for a whole day, in that dream I couldn't do anything against her, I was helplessly exposed to her agression and violence. But in the dream a few days ago something was very different. I somehow managed to stand up for myself, to step in for my boundaries and up against her craziness and the end of the dream was her being taken away in an ambulance and her being admitted to a psychiatric hospital (where she belongs, as my therapist correctly stated - he found it interesting that she was taken to a psychiatric hospital because she never was at one; but I was multiple times - but instead of me, she should have been admitted (way earlier of course, still before my birth actually)).

We also talked about why I was and am afraid that people like the administrator would rather believe my mother's lies instead of the truth, talked about the situations in my childhood where that was the case and where she also always told me that nobody would believe me if I told them what kind of horrors were happening at "home". Probably did that to scare me of telling somebody and to prohibit exactly that - successfully. For years after I got out actually. Well, we also talked about how it was completely different with the policeman I was talking to a few weeks ago when I asked them if it was ok if I called the police if my mother showed up in front of my door someday and threatens me and/or won't go away. I am trying to prepare myself for defense, I am going to defend myself and maybe I'm even going to take steps so I won't have to defend myself again (I'm definitely going to contact the local court so I can get a restraining order of some kind against her).

In the end of the session, I had a thought like "damn, I'm really exhausted" and like two seconds later my therapist asked me how I'm feeling now. I told him so and a few tears ran down my cheek because I smiled through most of the session. I do have a few happy moments here and there, which is really nice, like last sunday where I went out for food with a few people from my gym. But most of the time I'm really pretty down and exhausted. I realised that again last week, when I had a weird gut issue, and I tried to "ask" into my body how I'm feeling besides the weird gut symptoms... and I realised I feel just as bad as I do all the time in the last few months - which is really not great. That def made me think about what I'm demanding from myself and how I'm treating myself (as if I was lazy or a failure or sth like that - which I'm really not). I told my therapist about how I finally realised that I just can't go on like this, like I did the last semester - it won't work and actually will do me even more harm than good. It just isn't possible for me to show the same performance I could still show two years ago and I might want to adapt my plans of how I'm going to finish my studies to that. I really don't know how though, but I'm going to talk to our study counselor about that next week and until then I still have some time to think about it. It seems impossible for me to just "stop" what I'm doing right now, trying my best to somehow still get stuff done. But now I'm failing classes - not because I didn't try, but because it just isn't enogh - and if I go on like this, both my (mental) health and my grades / my acadamic performance will suffer equally from it.

[stretchmarks-and-scars]

TW// a lot of triggering stuff, personal vent

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Today I had therapy. I cried for 90% of it. My therapist told me that I'm not functioning and I should be hospitalized. I wanted to hysterically laugh and kill myself at the spot when I heard that. The other thing she told me was that I should have better meds. Lol, for 5 years I heard from psychiatrists, that meds won't make me any more different and I need therapy. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm suffering from mental illness for 10 years now. I was just a kid for most of this fucking ride. Why anyone did not help me? I was just a fucking kid...

So now I'm after a manor panic attack. Junk food and cigarettes helped. And my gf. But the most helpful thing was a burning cigarette on my leg.

I'm broken. I should be grateful for my gf. And I am. But I love sh. Fuck. I would be happier dead. But I have to try for her.

[thisissirius]

because 4x01 happened and i had feelings about it. the therapy stuff is taken directly from my own counselling sessions. i might not have gone through a tsunami and a truck bombing, but i’ve seen some shit lol. ANYWAY. i hope y’all like this. 

for @capseycartwright who always deserves the best buck content and quality sassy eddie <3

need help (but can you help me? [ao3 link] buck, buck/eddie, hurt/comfort, therapy

Eddie leaned against the doorjamb to his bathroom, arms folded across his chest. “I hear you’re cheating on me with a Covid crush?”

Buck snorted. “You’ve been talking to Chim.”

“More like had to listen to him,” Eddie corrected. He met Buck’s eyes through the mirror.

“You know I would never—”

“I know, Buck,” Eddie said quickly. He straightened up, came to stand next to Buck at the basin. Buck looked to the left, lips quirking up. Before he could say anything, Eddie leaned in, resting his head on Buck’s shoulder, their eyes meeting in the mirror again. “I trust you.”

Fingers curling around the edge of the basin, Buck sighed. “I should just tell them.”

Eddie kissed Buck’s neck. “You don’t owe anybody anything.”

Silence lapsed between them.

“When you’re ready to tell people, you will,” Eddie said, sliding a hand up Buck’s back, scratching through his hair and then pulled back. “Breakfast in half an hour. Chris is already up.”

“Fuck you,” Buck said with a laugh.

Eddie blew him a kiss and tapped the doorframe on his way out.

_________

Buck wasn’t keeping it a secret deliberately.

Quarantine was difficult. It wasn’t as bad for him as it was for a lot of people given that he was still able to work, but he hadn’t been alone since the quarantine had started. It had started to get too much for him to handle around the second month.

“I used to think I was lonely,” he said, leaning on his desk.

Lisa nodded, sitting back in her chair. “And now?”

“I havent been for a while,” he said. “But not because of quarantine. That’s just made me realize I love my workmates but living with them has been difficult.”

“You’re ready for them to go home.”

Buck huffed a short laugh. “Yeah, I am. Well. I’m sad Eddie’s gone, but I know why he had to.”

Lisa’s face remained impassive. It was one of the reasons Buck liked her. “Do you miss him?”

Missed was an understatement. Though Hen and Eddie had gone home and Buck had been glad to have his apartment mostly to himself, that didn’t stop him missing Eddie like a phantom limb. It had been difficult without Chris around, moreso for Eddie, but Buck had missed him too. That would change now, as long as they were careful and took precautions, and Buck wanted to go back to having Eddie and Chris to himself—without Chm around. “I just wish Chim would leave.”

“Hmm,” Lisa said.

“Not because I’m sick of him,” Buck said. “It’s just hard when he’s here. I feel like I can’t be myself.”

Lisa stared at him. “You can with Eddie?”

“Yeah,” Buck said. “I can.”

“Then start with that,” Lisa said. “Keeping it a secret is taxing on you, and I can imagine on Eddie, but if the two of you have decided it works for you, then only you get to decide when you tell your friends and family.”

“I know.” Buck blew out a slow breath. “Thanks, Lisa.”

“It’s what I’m here for, Buck,” she said with a smile. “However, that’s the end of the session and I have to go. If you need anything, text me, alright?”

Buck nodded, thumb hovering over the mousepad. “I will. Thanks again.”

The sign off was always awkward over Zoom, but Buck hadn’t dealt well with face to face sessions. When he closed his laptop, he sat back in his chair, hearing Maddie’s laugh through the speakers of Chim’s laptop. Great. Rolling his eyes, Buck cast a quick eye at the clock. Not long and they had to be at work.

_________

“Well,” Eddie said. “At least it’s not a tsunami.”

Buck gave him a look. “Are you kidding me?”

Eddie was smiling, the dick, and Buck elbowed him. “Ow,” he said through a laugh. Sobering quickly, he reached out, squeezed Buck’s arm as best he was able in their gear. “It’ll be alright.”

“I can’t do it again, Eddie.”

Eddie turned. “Buck, look at me.”

Buck winced but did as asked. They didn’t have long before they’d be on the roof.

“I’ve got you, hear me? No matter what, you’re not on your own this time.”

I wasn’t before, Buck didn’t say. “Okay.”

“You hearing me?”

“Yes, Eddie, I got you.”

Eddie smirked. “Don’t sass me, Buckley.”

“I’ll do whatever Ilike,” Buck said mulishly, but he couldn’t stop the smile from forming. “Thanks, Eddie.”

“Anytime,” Eddie said, dropping his voice. “Now let’s get this done, alright?”

_____________________

Buck massaged his temples. “It was a disaster. Literally.”

“It was,” Lisa agreed.

“With everything that went on, it reminded me of the tsunami.”

Lisa nodded sympathetically. “That must have been difficult.”

It took Buck a minute to find his voice. “I had a job to do this time as well and I didn’t have Chris to look out for.” When he realised Lisa looked ready to speak, Buck powered on. “Not that I resented looking out for Chris. I know—you know how I feel about that and that I’ll probably always regret it, but I had Eddie this time. I had—a job and someone to help me.”

“Okay,” Lisa said. It wasn’t a dismissal, and Buck nodded. “I know how much trust you have in Eddie, Buck. I just wonder how much you have in yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve talked about the truck bombing, the tsunami. We’ve talked about the blood clots and the lawsuit,” and Buck winces at the reminder, “and throughout all of that you mention everything you’ve done wrong.”

Buck frowned. “Yeah?”

“What about the things you did right?”

There was a long silence.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I want you to do something for me, okay?”

Buck waited for her to finish, not knowing how to answer.

“Before you next call me, I want you to write down five things you’ve done right in the time you’ve been working. I would prefer it to be related to those incidents we discussed, but I will take other things as well.”

“I—” Buck started.

“If you can’t, it’s okay. I just want you to try.”

“Okay,” Buck said eventually. “I’ll try.”

_____________________

Maddie narrowed her eyes. “So when do I get hear about it?”

“Never,” Buck said, not having to ask what she meant. “It’s private, Mads.”

“Even from me?” Maddie sounded hurt. Buck hated himself just a little but he was taking to heart the things Lisa told him; he and Eddie were the only ones with the right to tell people that they were in a relationship, nobody else could decide for them.

Reaching out, he touched the screen, wishing he could hold her hand. “It’s not what you think, I promise you that. When I’m ready to tell you, I will.”

There was a long pause, but Maddie shut off the call and she didn’t look annoyed. “Okay. I am here if you need me.”

“I know,” Buck said. He missed his sister terribly, but was determined to make Chim leave before he met her himself. . “I wish I could convince Chim to come home.”

Maddie’s face shifted. She looked sad and Buck wished he could change that too. “I’m just as scared as he is. I shouldn’t be doing this alone.”

“Want me to kick his ass?”

Shaking her head, Maddie at least let out a little laugh, so Buck counted it as a win. “No.”

“Maybe this,” Buck said, waving a hand behind him to encompass everything that had happened. “Will shake him up. He hasn’t come home yet.”

“He hasn’t?” Maddie frowned. “Didn’t he finish work with you?”

“I think Hen took him out,” Buck said. “Maybe she’s doing the yelling for you.”

There was the trace of a smile on her face. “I just want him want this as much as I do.”

“Hey,”Buck said, leaning forward. “If there’s one thing I do know about Chim right now, it’s that he’s desperate to be a dad with you, Mads. He’s been going through all my parenting books while we’ve been in lockdown.”

Maddie paused. “Why do you have parenting books?”

“For Chris,” Buck said, rolling his eyes. “Stop it. They were so i could help Eddie.”

“Oh,” Maddie said, and there was the sister he knew and loved so much. “If it’s for Eddie.”

“I’m going now,” Buck said, waving a hand. “Go do whatever it is you and Albert do.”

Maddie laughed and cut off the call.

___________________

“It’s my therapist,” Buck said.

Eddie looked up from cooking dinner. “What?”

“The person I’m calling.”

Eddie didn’t say anything for a long time. Buck worried it was because he was mad, but realised he was just turning off the burner. “Come here.”

Buck went, standing awkwardly next to Eddie, until Eddie reached up, wrapping his arms around Buck’s shoulders. Like a string had been cut, Buck fell against him, sorry when Eddie had to adjust his stance or send them toppling. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“You didn’t have to,” Eddie assured him, ghosting a kiss across his head. “I’m proud of you.”

“For seeing a therapist?” Buck scoffed.

Eddie pulled back, touching a hand to Buck’s face. “For telling me. I know it’s not an easy thing to do.”

Buck’s breathing was shaky, he could hear it, and he wanted to look anywhere but at Eddie’s face, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. “I wanted to make everything less messed up.”

“You’re not messed up,” Eddie snapped, then sighed. “I’m sorry. You might feel that way, but I don’t see messed up.”

“What do you see?”

“I see the man I love hurting and struggling.”

The words came out so easily that Buck was almost physically struck by them. “Eddie.”

“I love you,” Eddie said quietly. Buck knew what a gift it was to be loved by someone like Eddie. “I’m behind you no matter what.”

“I know,” Buck said, just as quiet. “I love you too. I just needed—quarantine got to me and I know it did to you—”

“You’re allowed to feel things too. It’s not a competition.”

Buck shrugged. “I know you had Chris.”

“And you had Maddie and me.”

“You were there.”

Eddie nodded, but made a face. “Not in the way we both wanted. It killed me not to be able to touch you or hold you in the way I’m used to.”

“Same.” Buck leaned in, pressed a soft kiss to Eddie’s mouth. “We’re together now.”

“Yeah, we are,” Eddie said, the smile on his face as brilliant as Buck felt. “Come on. Dinner’ll be ready soon and then you can challenge Chris to a lego battle.”

Buck snorted. “I’ll lose. I always do.”

“The joy of being a father,” Eddie said.

Again, Buck was struck by the words, and thought of Maddie. “I am, huh?”

Turning back to the stove, Eddie looked over his shoulder. “You will be.”

It sounded like a hell of a promise.

The next time Buck spoke to Lisa, he was sure he would have those five things she wanted. But if he didn’t, he could talk about Eddie. About Chris, his family, the future. He had something to look forward to and that made everything look brighter.

[xpacestuff]

Su/gf crossover things part 2

(sorry if these aren't that good!)

------------------------

Dipper: So... that glowing pink thing?

Steven: Yeah?

Dipper: Why does that happen exactly?

Steven: Oh, I'm not sure... I guess when I don't feel well? It's like a burst of energy when it happens...when i feel like i need to run away or just...-

Dipper: Oh! Like a flight or fight response!

Steven: What is-

Dipper, taking out the journal: Interesting...

Steven: What's a-

Dipper: mumbles to himself

Steven: ...Nevermind.

------------------------

Steven: Hey Mabel! what are you-

Steven: Mabel.

Mabel, putting fake gems on waddles face: Whaaat... he likes it...

Steven: Why didn't you ask me to help you?

Mabel: :D

------------------------

Mabel: OH! YOU CAN DO SHAPESHIFTING, RIGHT?

Steven: Oh, yeah, but-

Mabel: Can you turn into anything!? Like a unicorn! Or a hamster! You can do this hamster ball thing, so!

Steven: uuhh haha... I don't really... like shapeshifting... sorry..

Mabel: Aw, why?

Steven: It's just... some things happened when I did...

Mabel: Like what?

Dipper: Mabel, don't bother him! If he doesn't like it then leave him alone.

Mabel: Yeahh... you're right. Sorry Steven!

Steven: Nono, it's okay, don't worry!

------------------------

this is something different than the "steven has the same powers as bill so dipper is sus" writing post i made lol (basically this one is just silly)

Dipper, walking around in circles: It's just... what does that star symbolize?

Mabel: What do you mean?

Dipper: The star on his shirt, Mabel! Does it have to do with this gem stuff? Is it related to his powers?

Mabel: Uh...Dipper, why are you questioning something like that?

Dipper: Well, he showed me a picture of himself when he was younger, and he always had this star on his shirt! Why?

Mabel: Maybe he just likes stars? Come on, bro. It's just some shirt design.

Dipper: I don't know...

later

Dipper: Steven... okay, so, this will sound weird but what does that star on your shirt mean?

Steven: Huh?

Dipper, pointing at it: You always have that star on your shirt. Does it have to do with your powers or something? Is it some magical shirt?

Steven: Oooh hahaha! No no, it's just my dads merchandise. Just like that pine tree on your hat, I'm guessing?

Dipper: ...Oh. Well then. rips a page from a notebook

Steven: ...Seriously?

Dipper: Yes, seriously.

------------------------

So what if something dangerous happens and steven completely turns pink also starts turns into his buff chad form (haha edgy)

Steven, in that form: Oh, oh no no no... oh no.. shit..

Dipper: Wha-

Mabel: What!?

Steven: Oh god, Mabel and Dipper, d-don't look at me!

Dipper: ...Does that new form... hurt you?

Steven: What? uh.. no.

Steven: I- I didn't want you guys to see me like this!

Dipper: No, no, it's uh, okay!

Mabel: Yeah, we're here! Don't worry!

Steven, slowly getting smaller do his normal form: It's just..

Steven, as his pink glow fades: This just hasn't happened in a while...

later

Mabel: Well, I made you some chocolate milk!

Steven: Thanks, Mabel.

Dipper: So... you better now? You're smaller than when you were well... all pink and glowy

Steven: Yeah, yeah i'm better now. I guess I need to tell this to my therapist though.

Mabel: You better! I don't want to see you hurt :(

------------------------

Steven: Hey do guys wanna fly

Dipper: Wh-

Mabel: YES!

Dipper: Um... what do you mean with "fly"?

Steven: I have floating powers. I can just carry you two and well.. fly around

Mabel: Oh my god!!! really!?

Steven: Yeah!

Dipper: How come you're just randomly suggesting this?

Steven: Well, strange things have been happening here in Gravity Falls, so I just wanted to lighten the mood up a little bit.

Dipper: Alright, then

Mabel: YEAHH!!! LETS FLOAT!

------------------------

Mabel, Dipper and Steven are basically floating now

Mabel: THIS IS AMAZING!!! You can float and summon a hamster ball! That's like, the best thing EVER!

Steven: hahah, yeah! ...Dipper you alright?

Dipper, absolutely worried that he's going to fall: y.. yes.

Steven: I can drop you off-

Dipper: AH- NO!

Steven: I mean like... slowly help you land on your feet again, yknow?

Dipper: Oh, uh, yes... please..

Steven: Alright!

------------------------

Mabel: Tickle attack!

Dipper: Mabel no- hahaha! Stop!

Steven, entering the room: Hey guys

Mabel, staring at him: >:)

Steven: o h n o

------------------------

Dipper: Is this your real form? You can shapeshift, after all.

Steven: Yes?

Dipper: HMM

Steven: How could I prove it to you anyways?

Dipper: I don't know-

Steven: Here, a picture of when I was younger. I can assure you that's me, and my 'real' form haha

Dipper: ...Wow you were small

Steven: You're one to talk

Dipper: Hey!

Steven: Haha!

Steven: Oh, by the way, you know that I don't like shapeshifting, right?

Dipper: Yeah... I guess you don't.

------------------------

Mabel: Uuughh I'm so bored

Dipper: Yeah, me too.

Steven: Do you guys wanna uh, bake something? maybe?

Mabel: Hmmm... like what

Steven: Oh! Have you heard of cookie cats?

Dipper: Cookie cats?

Steven: Here, let me show you a picture of them shows a picture of it from his phone

Mabel: It looks so cute!

Steven: We can bake this if you guys wanna?

Dipper: Well, we don't have anything else to do.

Mabel and Steven: Yeah!

------------------------

steven and dipper are just walking around the woods cause why not

Dipper: Ouch!

Steven: What happened? Are you okay?

Dipper: Yeah, it's just...I just scratched myself on this branch, i didn't even see it.

Steven: Oh, that's no problem! licks his finger

Dipper: uh-

Steven: puts his finger on Dippers wound there!

Dipper, healed: WH- HOW?

Steven: I have healing powers :)

Dipper: You surprise me everyday...

Dipper, whispering: Maybe I should tell Ford... hmm..

------------------------

again before they knew steven is half gem

Mabel: I love gems!

Steven: Me too! Even though some tried to kill me, most of them didn't really know what they were doing. Mostly when they were corrupted.

Mabel: H..huh?

------------------------

Mabel: Your girlfriend sure is cool Steven!

Steven: Yeah, I love her a lot.

Mabel:

Mabel: :")

Steven:

Steven: Uh-

Mabel: No, no. It's just cute. Don't mind me. I hope when I'm a teenager I can find love like this. Haha...

------------------------

Steven: You guys' grunkle is really nice!

Dipper: Yeah, at first he can be a bit mean, but in reality he's a great guy if he wants to be. Trust me, I've been there.

Steven: Aw... I said that cause he gave me something for free. That's a start, I guess?

Dipper: Sure is.

------------------------

Stan, going through a box of old stuff: Ahaha, yeah. Brings back some good old memories.

Steven: Oh, can I look? If you don't mind?

Stan: Sure kid.

Steven: ...

Steven: A... Space Train to the Cosmos CD?

Stan: Yeah, haha. He has the same last name as you. I remember listening to him years ago.

Steven: Mr. Pines... this is my dad. Greg Universe.

Stan: ... What.

------------------------

this is before D & M met Ford, I guess? (if this takes place when D & M arrive to GF for the first time)

Steven: So... what's that?

Dipper: Ah! It's uh- it's nothing. haha...

Steven: Dipper, are you okay? What are you holding there?

Dipper: sighs It's just...

Mabel: IT'S A JOURNAL!

Dipper: Mabel!

Steven: Oh, like a diary? That's cool.

Dipper: It's... more than that, actually.

Mabel: Come on! Let's just tell him!

Dippers: Well, uh, it's basically a journal that has a lot of information written down from all these weird monsters and creatures in Gravity Falls. I still have no idea who the author is.

Steven: Wow... Have you told Mr. Pines?

Dipper: He didn't take it seriously.

Steven: Hmm...

------------------------

Steven: I don't understand your purpose... nor do I understand why you look like that

Steven: But I support you

Soos: Dude it's just square pizza

------------------------

Connie visits again

Steven: Connie! Hey!

Connie: Steven!

they go for a hug, then fuse

Stevonnie: ...Uh-oh.

Mabel: :D WOOOO!!! HOW???

Dipper: >:0

Dipper: WHAT THE FUCK??

------------------------

Ford: This is so interesting... a half-gem, half-human.

Ford: Tell me, what can you do?

Steven: Well, I can summon a shield. I have healing powers. I can bring plants to life. I can bubble things up. I can also have destruct- oh, I uh, I actually don't like talking about that.

Ford: ...Can you show me your shield?

Steven: sure summons his shield

Ford: Wh- how do you do that?

Steven: Well, it's my gem that just summons it when I want to.

Ford: So how powerful is it?

Steven: Oh, pretty powerful, I guess? I was able to protect myself from the diamonds- oh uh, yeah, the uh diamonds are the most strongest gem, by the way. Yellow tried to step on me and tried to uh, hurt me haha but it's okay now.

Ford: Wow! So, how tall and strong are these diamonds? And uh, that's crazy she did that. But do tell me more.

Steven: They're really tall. I don't exactly know how much but as tall as a skyscraper... maybe taller? I'm not sure. The tallest one is White.

Ford: Interesting... I'm guessing you're a diamond too? You were able to protect yourself, after all.

Steven: starts glowing pink a little

Ford: Huh!?

Steven: Ah- sorry, sorry! That just happens sometimes!

Ford: Glowing pink... hm...

------------------------

Imagine they all (Stan, Soos, Steven, Dipper and Mabel) fall into that one bottomless pit. Steven completely panics because the others are falling and he's worried to the point where he just forgets about his floating powers. But after the others start telling some of their stories, he calms down. They turn around to him and ask him if he could tell a story aswell. He tells them about how cool it was to learn combat with his (now girl-)friend Connie. How at that point he learned something very important. The others listen very well to him, and as he finishes the story they, surprisingly, fall out of the bottomless pit. After this Mabel and Dipper ask Steven about the things he has learned and if he could teach them.

------------------------

Mabel and Dipper: wearing their peanut butter and jelly costumes

Steven: Hahaha! That looks nice, why are you dressed like that?

Mabel: Summerween!

Steven: Oh, I've never heard of that! :D

Dipper: Yeah cause they honestly just made all of this up.

------------------------

Steven hanging out with the other teens!!! Very important!!! He needs to learn how to "act his age", y'know what I mean? explore around. take some risks (that are not traumatising, thank you). just be a teenager in general.

(i could make a whole other post for this tbh)

------------------------

Stan: You have literally no legal documents, kid.

Steven: Yeahh...

Stan: I love it!

------------------------

Robbie: And who are you?

Steven: Oh I just, uh, work here.

Robbie: Yeah? With Wendy, huh?

Steven: Oh! Yeah, she's my workmate, I guess?

Robbie: Hm... right.

Robbie: walks past him while elbowing him in an aggressive way

Steven, whispering: Yikes... scary.

Dipper, from the back: I know right!?

------------------------

Mabel, goofing around, doing some weird stuff: hehehe

Steven: Wow... thinking about it, she'd get along with Amethyst.

------------------------

Mabel: gasp Oh my gosh! Steven, look at Waddles and Lion!

Lion and Waddles: literally just staring at eachother

Mabel and Steven, with star eyes: Awww....

------------------------

Wendy: Dude, your girlfriend seems really cool.

Steven: Oh, yeah! She's great. She's really smart and pretty, she can sing and play the violin... she can sword fight-

Wendy: Wait wait wait... sword fight?

Steven: Yeah!

Wendy: Your girlfriend rides a pink lion and can sword fight? That's so cool!

Steven, full of love: Ah, yeah... she's amazing...

------------------------

Hope y'all enjoyed this one. This is the second part! Even though none of these are in any order, so it doesn't matter. But here's the first one. Also, I just wanted to say something about the shapeshifting thing: I do enjoy posts where Steven shapeshifts to make his arm or whatever longer to help. It's really cute, but in my opinion (again, my opinion) I feel like after steven turning into a cat and kaiju monster, he'd be way too uncomfortable to shapeshift. It'd also remind him of when he became taller, buff and was glowing pink. That's just what I think. :-)

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[britswriting]

Desire (14)

Desire masterlist

read on wattpad

Double update. I wrote this in one sitting lol. Read 13 first!

T/W: Drug and alcohol mention - brief, mention of rehab

*Colby's POV*

"Wh-what?" Leighton stuttered, my heart racing.

"I.."

"Colby" She whispered, my heart feeling like it was going to burst.

I was speechless.

This is not at all how I thought this night would go.

"Do you.. wait" She paused, her face looking panicked.

Shit.

"Like.. romantically?" She asked and I froze.

Did I mean it romantically?

I think I did..

Why am I questioning it?

"Leigh-"

"No, wait!" She stopped me, jumping off my lap, starting Nova.

Nova's head sprung up to look at her, sleepiness clear in her eyes.

"Don't startle her" I told Leighton, petting Nova calmly.

"You startled me!" She exclaimed and I groaned, regretting my words.

"Romantically or platonically Cole!" She yelled, her body tense as she stared down at me.

"Both?"

"Colby!"

"What?!"

"You can't just go and say you love me!"

"Why not? I meant it-"

"THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" She yelled, myself now standing up so we were metaphorically on an even playing field.

"What's wrong with that? You know Leighton, I don't go throwing that word around loosely!"

"EITHER DO I!" She yelled, and Nova jumping off the couch, barking at us. "Nova!" Leighton scolded when she jumped on me and I just shook my head, shrugging the dog off my waist, her barks still in my ears.

"Come here Nova" I patted the floor, now sitting. I focused my attention on Nova, not wanting her to wake Gemma.

"Please stop yelling. Nova doesn't like it, and Gemma is asleep" I begged, Leighton's arms crossed over her chest. "Why are you mad that I said I love you?" I asked, intrigued yet confused.

"Because that's a big step! Something neither of us are anywhere near! We're not even dating! We've only known each other for almost a year, and we've only been friends for what.... 6 months? 7 months? You can't just say nice things, say you love me and expect it'll be okay! I- I'm not there yet! I.. I don't even know what's going on half the time! I barely know who I am, let alone how I feel about you! Do I love you platonically? Yeah. You mean a lot to me! But I.. I'm not in love with you Colby! And I'm sorry if that hurts.. but I'm done lying to you! I'm done protecting you! I told you in that truce that I wouldn't do that anymore!"

"I didn't expect you to say it back, Leighton, but I.. I want to rest easy knowing I told you. Knowing that when you go into treatment tomorrow, you know that. You don't have to believe me, or agree with me.. but I meant it"

"Why! Why do you mean it!" She whined, a cry to her voice.

"Do you want me to take it back?" I asked and she pouted, shaking her head.

"You said you meant it, even if you said you took it back, you still meant it!" She tossed her hand at me, her brow furrowed. "I.. why would you tell me that, if you know how nervous I am?!"

"That's why! That's exactly why!" I pointed out, my palm facing the air as my elbow rested on my propped up knee.

She sighed, cupping her face with her hands, "I don't understand" She exhaled, pacing a bit in front of me.

"You're nervous! You don't believe me when I say I'm all in, and I don't expect us to be on the same page right now, but I'm glad we both know where each other stand. I said I love you, because I meant it. Because I look at you, and know nothing can replace this! Yeah, it's messy. Yes, it could be better, or maybe healthier. Sure we have our moments, but who doesn't?! I'm not looking for perfection Leighton. I'm not looking for picture perfect every therapist points to us as the healthy, look at them! That's how it should be! Type of couple! I'm looking for us! For this! I can go out and date however many girls I want, but they won't compare to this! They won't get my mind racing the way you do. They won't get my heart beating the way you do. They don't make my stomach clench or flutter like you can! They don't have an adorable daughter who I'd fucking kill for! I said I love you, because I meant it. I didn't say you needed to say it back, or that this is some sort of ticking time bomb. I don't even know how often that phrase will roll off my tongue after this.. but you need to know how serious I am about this. I want you to know that when I babysit your daughter.. it won't be babysitting to me. It is a privilege you are giving me, because you trust me, and that means a hell of a lot more than you know. You trust me with your baby. An I love you will never replace the feeling I get in my chest knowing that you're going to rehab, and out of everyone you know, including your literal family, you. trust. me. So be nervous, be worried, be afraid of whatever this is.. but deep down, I know you know. I know you trust me. That you want this. It's fine to be scared. I'm scared too! I don't know what's going on half the time either. I'm not good at this. I fuck up all the fucking time. No one said this had to be perfect. I don't want perfection. I want love, trust, bonding.." I vented, my eyes staying locked on her own, even though she kept looking away from me.

"How aren't you afraid the same way I am?" She asked quietly, sitting down in front of me.

"I never said I wasn't. I said I was ready. There is a difference"

"But I'm not ready"

"I never asked you to be"

She let out a nervous laugh, "I don't like this game"

"It's not a game to me Leighton"

"You're pissing me off" She mumbled, catching me off guard, "What? Why?"

"Because I want to yell at you, but I want to kiss you" She grumbled, my heart racing a little more.

"I pick the latter" I replied softly and she laughed, "I bet you do" which made me chuckle, my eyes following her movements.

"I don't want to date whilst I go in rehab, or for a while after. I want to be stable, and ready... and take this time for myself. I can't work on myself, and a relationship. That's why I love you scares me. That's why I'm afraid. I.. I don't want to lose you, because I'm not ready. I don't know when I will be ready... I don't want you to pick me... and stay loyal to me.. if it will only cause you heartbreak and pain because I'm not ready. I'm working on being open, and honest, and not beating around the bush... I'm just... Colby, you mean a lot to me.. but I'm not ready and I won't apologize for that" Leighton told me, her eyes locked on mine, and I knew she meant every word.

"I never asked you to be ready, or apologize... and it's not your choice if I stay loyal to this or not. We don't have to date.. but I want you to know where I stand"

Leighton groaned, "This is where you stand now, but what about when I'm in the thick of my recovery, months from now?!"

I stayed quiet, having no idea where to even begin as a reply to that.

I've never done this before. A relationship, dealing with someone I care for going through such a big life moment, dealing with the before, and after effects of her going to treatment.

She's done this before.

She's been in a relationship before, for years. She's gone to treatment before. She's done this all before... Maybe she's right.

Maybe she does know more than I do about this.. but it doesn't change how I feel right now... but will I feel like this later?

I always go in on impulse... She's very logical. She thinks things through..

She's thinking this through.

Does that mean she wants this the same way I do.. or does she just want to let me down easily?

"Colby? Colby? Colby?!" Leighton's hand was waving in front of my face, forcing me to blink quickly at the feeling of air hitting my eyes.

"Sorry" I muttered, Nova plopping herself against my leg, causing my body to rock as I rubbed my temples. The sensation making me chuckle a little and glance down at the clingy pup.

"I'm sorry that this is complicated, and messy" She muttered, "I'm sorry I'm a mess" She whispered and I shook my head, pushing myself up onto my knees and basically crawling over to her.

"You're twenty one Leighton. You have an almost 3 month old, an ex-boyfriend who's across the country, a criminal record that's affecting you getting a job, and an apartment, and you're an addict. Messy isn't even the tip of the iceberg" I started, Leighton glaring at me.

"Gee, thanks Colby" She grumbled, but I chuckled, shaking my head.

"You didn't let me finish. I like the mess. I like the challenge. Not in some masochistic way, but in the sense of you keep me on my toes. Day in and day out, my life is pretty much the same other than when we take trips traveling to new places for videos. With you, every day has something going on. Whether it's me trying to figure out how to help you erase that criminal charge, or helping you watch Gemma, or even going over to your parents house for dinner........ there is always something. I'm not sitting in my room behind a desk all week editing, only to go get drunk and party with my friends when the weekend comes. I like the change you bring. I like doing this with you. I like the sense of pride I feel when we figure something out, or get closer to where you want to go. You're not ready, and that's fine. Maybe I'm not ready in the way I thought either... but just like you, I don't want this to change. How do I know that when you come out of treatment, you aren't going to drop me? Isn't that what you did to your old friends? You dropped them?" I asked, but it came out more as an accusation and I watched her jaw drop.

"You did not just say that to me" She stood up, giving us distance.

"I-"

"I can't believe you just said that. I.. you can leave now" She said, my jaw dropping.

Okay, this is not at all what I meant to have happen.

"No wait-"

"No! You just said you think I'm going to drop you like I did them!"

"Well"

"Well?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Colby! I fucking dropped them, because they did drugs! THEY DID THEM WITH ME! I was getting better! I didn't want to be around that! THE SAME GOD DAMN REASON I HAVEN'T TALKED TO ALEX FOR A WHILE! I'm- ARE YOU FOR REAL?!" She yelled.

"But what about-"

"WHAT?! WHAT ABOUT WHAT! I swear to god Colby!"

"What about those people you said chose Gabe over you!" I finished and she glared at me.

"What is Gabe to you? Some fucking saint? I might have been more fucked up, but that doesn't make him innocent. They were his friends first, they did occasional things.. I took it too far. There was one girl there, his now ex, who used to be a really good friend of mine. The person I am now, is very different from who I used to be. The choices I've made are nothing like what I would've done in the past. Are you using heroin in front of me? Are you smoking something laced with fentanyl? Are you drinking down vodka and snorting cocaine? No. You're not. So why the fuck would I leave you when I get out of rehab if you mean so much to me?!" She exclaimed, her shoulders slumping, showing her exhaustion.

"I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated" I apologized, but she shook her head.

"It's getting late. I need to finish getting ready, alone. I'll have someone bring Gemma to you tomorrow. Goodnight, and goodbye Colby" She tilted her head at me before calling for Nova and walking down the hallway.

Fuck.

I contemplated getting up and walking out, but I couldn't. I can't give up on us all because of a misunderstanding.

I don't know what my plan was, but I knew we couldn't end like this. Especially with her going away for a while.

I knocked softly on the closed bedroom door, Nova barking from behind the door.

"Go away Colby" She called out and I mentally sighed.

"Please?" I begged and after a few moments the door unlocked and opened, Nova and Leigh standing in front of me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to come out the way it did" Is the first thing I said, having absolutely no idea where to go from here, or how to handle this situation.

"Sure sounded like it" She grumbled, walking over to her dirty laundry hamper. "I need to change" She muttered.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, watching her move the hamper closer to her bed.

"I mean, either way I need to strip and shave and such"

"Remember when Aaliyah and I shaved your legs when you were pregnant?" I asked, smiling back at that memory.

"Yeah, it was embarrassing"

"It wasn't embarrassing. It was cute"

"Ah yes. Cute. That's exactly what I would've called it. Definitely cute. Some might even say endearing" She replied back sarcastically, grabbing a pair of shorts from a drawer.

"Some might" I replied back, a small smile on my face.

"If you want to stay, fine. I'm not pretty to look at though" She shrugged, tugging her sweats down and pulling the cotton shorts up.

"I beg a differ" I replied instantly and she ignored me, walking past me to the hall bathroom. I followed her, seeing her pull out some shaving supplies. "Hey, I'm sorry about the uncalled for comment with your friends. I didn't mean for it to sound the way it did" I apologized, Leighton moving swiftly around the bathroom.

"It's okay. I uh... do you have any questions about my past? I don't love talking about it.. but it's going to be all I'm doing for a little while. I can't promise I won't get emotional, or mad.. it's just.. they're hard memories" She explained, her back still towards me as she dug through a drawer.

I shook my head, forgetting she can't see me. "I don't think so?"

She looked over shoulder at me, "You don't think so? Well clearly you have some sort of questions in your ahead considering you felt it was okay to accuse me of repeating history with my friends"

"I said I was sorry"

"I want us to be open with each other. Look, I need to shave, think about it, okay?" She suggested and I nodded, watching her prep her leg.

"This feels weird" I murmured, watching her spread the shave gel.

"What does?"

"Watching you shave"

She stayed quiet, the razor moving effortlessly over her leg.

After a few minutes, I sat down on the tile floor, Nova barking down the hallway, scaring me half to death as the front door opened.

"Jesus" I held my hand to my chest, Leighton laughing at how badly I jumped.

"Gemma's crying" Leigh piped up, a sigh leaving her lips.

"Hm?"

"Gem's crying. Can you go check on her please?" She asked and I nodded, not hearing anything, but getting up anyway.

I walked down to the room Gemma was laid in, and sure enough, she was in fact crying.

I carefully opened the door, cooing at her so she knew I was there before hovering over her, talking to her softly as I picked her up.

"Someone needs a diaper change" I said in a sing-song tone, taking her over to the mat on the floor.

~

I laid in Leighton's bed, staring at the ceiling as she double checked her bags.

After about 10 minutes, she crawled into bed next to me.

"I should go home soon" I sighed, looking at the ceiling panels above me, tracing the lines.

It was quiet for a moment until there was a soft knock on the door.

"Come in!" Leigh called, rolling over onto her side.

"Hey, I'm going to head to bed with Nova, do you need anything?" Cynthia asked, wearing a loose tee and some shorts covered in cartoon animals drawings.

"No, thanks though. Goodnight" Leighton replied, and I heard the door shut.

"It's nice she checks in" I mumbled, Leighton humming in response. "How has she been doing since Logan's departure?" I asked, Leighton now rolling onto her back, our arms brushing as she got comfy.

"It's been hard" She mumbled and I nodded to myself, not sure what to say.

I can tell Leighton is in her head, and I don't know if prying is a good idea or not.

I checked the time on my phone, seeing it was 10:45pm and that I really should head back to go to bed.

"Leigh" I spoke softly, waiting for a reply, only to hear her sniffles. "Leighton?" I asked, craning my neck to look at her. "Hey, what's wrong?"

She shook her head, wiping at her face.

"Leigh?"

"I'm scared" She whispered, myself frowning.

"Why?"

"It's scary Colby. It's scary to know that I'm going to go away, hopefully get help, and then come back.. and go down this road of recovery. It's not like going into a car wash and coming out clean and shiny. It's like having a broken down car and taking it in every week to get repaired, to maybe one day be okay. It's hard, and it sucks and I hate that I'm here again" She explained, rubbing her eyes.

I stayed quiet, trying to figure out how I'm supposed to reply to that.

"I hate this for her" her voice cracking.

"For-"

"Gemma. I hate this for her"

"Why?"

"She deserves the lawyer and doctor parents. The picket white fences, the private schools. She deserves to be the popular girl. The sporty girl. The nerdy girl. She deserves to be something extraordinary. Whoever she wants to be.. but she deserves a good family. A stable family. parents who aren't across the country from each other. Parents who aren't young and dumb. A mother who isn't going to rehab for the second time" She cried and I felt my heart drop to my stomach.

I reached over, pulling Leighton into my chest.

"You can be all that if you want it. Do you want it, Leigh?" I asked, my chin resting against the top of her head, her arm draping over my waist as she cried.

"Do you?" She mumbled against my chest.

"With the right person, of course. Do you?" I asked again and she nodded against my chest.

"But not here" She mumbled, which made me laugh.

"Yeah? Where would you raise your kids?" I asked my hand rubbing her back.

"Somewhere normal. Somewhere that isn't toxic beauty stands" She murmured, her head laying against my collarbone.

"Do you still want to move to Minnesota?"

"I think so, yeah. Would you want to go back to Kansas?" She asked me, our eyes meeting when I looked down at her.

I shook my head immediately which made her smile.

"Why not?" She laughed, my hand resting on her shoulder, her head laying against the crook of my elbow.

"I want better for my kids than being born in Kansas where nothing happens" I told her, meaning it.

"But you were born in Kansas, and look at you now"

"Yeah, but I left Kansas, and that's when things started getting better. I went somewhere where things happen"

"Would you ever want to move to Minnesota?" She asked, and I could see her eyes were still teary which broke my heart.

I hated watching her hurt, and having no way to fix it.

"Maybe. I liked it there. I would need to stay there for a longer period of time than just a week. Plus, I have my career here, and Sam.. but I could always fly here for work for a week or so, and meet up with Sam" I rambled, getting lost in my thoughts as I let the idea play in my head some more, but before I could think too deeply about the logistics, Leighton spoke up again.

"You don't want to stay in LA forever?" She asked and I shook my head.

"I've always wanted to retire in Hawaii"

"Like, for real, or as a like dream type of thing?"

"I mean, ideally yeah.. but right now it's just a dream. Have you ever been to Hawaii?" I asked and she shook her head. "Sam and I should bring you sometime"

"Hm, the same way you're dragging me to Italy?" She teased and I playfully rolled my eyes.

"Yeah. Against your will. Handcuffed, gagged and tossed in my carryon"

"Kinky" She muttered and I scoffed.

"If you think that's kinky, we need to talk. I can get behind the handcuffs and the gag, but the carryon?"

"I thought that was your thing. Mr. rough and tumble type of guy"

"My thing? How do you know about my thing?"

"I used to live with you, remember"

"Yeah, but-"

"Everyone knows your thing. We've talked about this remember, and I said I wouldn't want to be in handcuffs" She spoke like this was another daily conversation of me asking what was for dinner.

"Yeah, but you also said you couldn't talk about sex with me?" I cocked an eyebrow, Pulling her to straddle my waist again so I could see her face clearly.

"That was before I had your tongue in my mouth" She giggled and I smirked.

"You like my tongue huh?" I teased and she rolled her eyes, shifting on my waist.

"Shut up" She mumbled, a blush on her cheeks.

"You're the one who brought it up!" I laughed, making her cheeks turn more red. "Admit it, you miss kissing me" I teased and she shook her head, my hands on her hips. "Mm, I like you at this angle" I moaned lightly, Leigh softly slapping my chest.

"Shut up you perv" She laughed, going to roll off of me, but I stopped her, letting her fall against my chest.

"You're the one that said you liked my tongue"

"You brought up handcuffs and a gag!" She defended, myself chuckling as I placed my hands on her back.

"Maybe we're both horny" I whispered against her lips, holding a moan as she involuntarily grinded against my hips.

"We can't do this. Not in this state of mind" She mumbled and I nodded, agreeing.

"You'd want to have sex with me though?" I asked and she glared at me.

"No Colby. Why would I want to sleep with an extremely hot guy who also likes me?" She replied back in a sarcastic tone, yet somehow also no tone at all.

"Well like I said previously, you couldn't talk sex with me, let alone think about it"

"Hm... talking about was weird yeah.. but who said I didn't think about it? I can assure you, you have never touched me, but I sure have had some pretty good orgasms from you. You better get home. We have to get up early" She told me with a cheeky grin, my eyes wide.

"Wait, have you-"

"Goodnight Colby" She whispered before climbing off the bed, ignoring my calls as she walked down the hall to the bathroom.

What the hell just happened?

* * * *

Written on: July 30th 2022

Word Count: 3.9k

Part Fifteen

[fic-dumpster]

Omi? Still there? Have you come to check again? If yes! I'm glad but not about the fact that this mishap still has it's effect on you. I'm new to Tumblr - and I started writing because @solaceinarts told me something. Something that i didn't realize much at all; which I'll come later. But first, after reading your all those updates I thought I should drop by and say a few things :-

People have always been easy to judge,easy to be judged. I've really learnt it in hard way which in turn has made me less interactive,less communicative. I hope it doesn't come to that.

I used to write,umm, poetries ,poems that could burn your heart ,poems that could heal your bad memories like the sweet smell of morning dew. But then,i was accused of plagiarism one,two ,three - each time a fellow writer stepped up for me. Fourth one was too much. I couldn't take it even if I got a few friends who were willing to fight for me,i stopped writing. I lost my muse. I've discarded my poem dairies in rage just to get rid off the negativity.

I created Tumblr just out of whim and i met @solaceinarts . She told me "if not now, then when?" She too has gone through some shit too and man the courage she holds after all that. I totally adore her ,deep down to the bones!

She told me that one day you'll get bored of all these things. Things that you used to enjoy wouldn't make you happy anymore. You'll be busy and laugh at your childish behaviour.So, when you feel like you're ready for something, something to create, never let that urge die. That's what makes you go one step further where you were before. People? Who? Them? Did they know how much you worked on a single creative piece before posting,did they know how much you hesitated before posting? Nope they don't. They probably wouldn't, maybe never. But you?you know the hardwork behind your every post ;you'll still be blaming yourself for killing the artist in you. I thought for days and realized people will judge, even after you're gone. It's a shame how people don't understand the importance of "little things" that makes all of us happy. I don't know if I'll ever face a situation like this but if I ever do - well I've no idea how I'll react.

Leave everything if you would! But don't let it burn the artist inside you. please don't let it die :)

don't come back until you feel like. Your mental health isn't an extension of people's feedbacks of your creative workspace. I still have tons of art journals poems ,poetries , stories that i used to do only for myself after slowly getting my muse back. But I'm never gonna post them. It's a trophy that I've achieved just for myself not for those prying eyes waiting to jab at me.

I would still like to talk to you if you're willing :)

stay good and I'll try to hunt you in ao3; although I don't have acct.

I apologise if you feel triggered by reading all these. I've PTSD issues so well I'm kinda afraid of talking and what might trigger a person at any moment without your knowledge.

take your time!I'll still be here, waiting, unless some shit happens to me. You need a long break,a break that promises you no turning back but i know writers don't whither easily.

Haaaa my point is I'm here if you wanna talk. Lol i got carried away & Oops !quite long and vague.

~yours truly,

Paradis.

NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!! 🥺💕🫂😭💕 and ty 🥺💕 for still talking to me even though I suck at dming. Y’all r so cool and nice 🥺💕. I appreciate your words, and I'm thankful you took some of your time for me 🥺💕🫂.

I think I’m better now, still not going to post asks/stories as fast as before for different reasons… yeah, I got triggered by some anon (sounds dumb ik but that’s the awful part of triggers, they do whatever they want, whenever they want). My therapist taught me some exercises, not to get rid of them awful feelings xD, but to have more control over these emotions. So im good im good.🤸🏻‍♂️💕