#colbybrockfanfic

[britswriting]

Devotion (19)

Devotion Masterlist Read on Wattpad

T/W: Talk of parental death and abortion 

*Leighton's POV*

Moving is either an exciting, or dreadful process. I tend to lean towards the second option more often than not. I found change to be anxiety inducing and being 6 months pregnant wasn't helping my case at all.

Colby and I have looked at house after house, none of them feeling right.

Colby would tell me, "This is the one, I can feel it" but I'd disagree. Whether it was the backyard didn't have enough play space, or the master bathroom was too small (Even though it was way larger than the one we have now) there was always something that didn't feel right.

"Leighton, we've looked at seven houses, baby. None of them are going to check out everything. It's more important that we get the important stuff" Colby reminded, his hand caressing mine as we left the house, following our real-estate agent to our second house of the day.

"I just want it to be perfect" I sighed, Colby nodding.

"What did you think of the house, G?" Colby asked, his eyes flickering to the rearview mirror where Gemma was sitting in her car seat behind us.

"I wiked the swing-set" She replied, looking out the window. 

"Yeah? That looked really fun, didn't it. I promise bug, in our new house, we'll have a swing set, okay?" He told her, Gemma nodding. "Is there anything about the house you liked? Maybe your future bedroom, the play room?" He coaxed, Gemma shrugging. Colby sighed, leaning his head back against the seat.

"What did you like about the house?" I asked, curious as to why he felt so defeated.

"I think the kitchen was really nice. Had room for entertaining. The living room seemed like a good space to hang out. The room attached to it, through that archway? Could've been a nice play space. Close enough to the living room and kitchen, you know? It had a guest room for your siblings, maybe Sam, your parents" he looked over at me, "The master bedroom was nice. Not as big as the one I used to have, but it was nice none the less" He looked out his window, his jaw popping out a little before looking back through the front windshield. "I just don't understand what you want, babe. I mean, I know you want it too feel right, I just don't understand how it feels wrong? It was in a nice neighborhood. Safe. There was families around that Gemma could possibly befriend" He continued and I sighed, feeling like I once again was the problem.

"I don't know Colby. It just, I couldn't see us living there. I couldn't see my babies growing up there"

"Leighton, we make it a home. It doesn't make us a home" He commented, the sound of the soft radio hum and Gemma's murmured singing along being the only thing keeping this car from an awkward silence.

Half an hour later, we pulled up to yet another house. It looked like a Modern Farmhouse and I already knew I wouldn't like it, but I swallowed my pride and followed Gemma and Colby through the big black entry door.

"Alright, this is a five bedroom, four bathroom house" our realtor began, "It has almost everything you're looking for" he continued, "It's three point five million-" my eyes widened, "Dollars. They are willing to negotiate" he commented, Colby nodding as he followed Gemma down the hall, being greeted with floor to ceiling windows, to the left was a beautiful modern kitchen, and to the right was a cozy living room.

As we walked through the house, I couldn't help but notice everything it was missing.

A play space, a separate dining room for hosting, it was also on the smaller side for the backyard, the master bedroom was smaller than I knew Colby wanted, and the master bathroom shower was quite small.

I was surprised by how tight everything felt since it was three million fucking dollars.

Where does he think we have that in our budget? I thought we were splitting our income for this house?

"What do you think Gem? Think this could be your room?" Colby asked, Gemma wandering in, looking around at the strangers stuff, giving him a weird look that made me giggle.

My hand rested on my bump as I looked around, biting my lower lip.

I could feel Colby's eyes on me as I snooped before wandering out and down the hall towards another bedroom.

I peeked inside, unsure  if I could see us putting together a nursery in here.

Nothing felt right.

You know when you walk into a house, or even an apartment, and you think, alright, this will work. It might not be perfect, but it'll work.

This house had that. It could work. But the price compared to what you get was insane. 

We could move back to Minnesota with three million dollars and get a way better house, and land for that matter, than this place.

"What do you think, Leighton?" Colby asked, Gemma pushing past us, Colby quickly reminding her that these toys weren't hers and that she in fact, could not touch them. 

"What do you think?" I tossed back, not ready to drag him down again.

"I like the other place better" he said, my head nodding slowly.

It was nicer. Bigger. Had more of what we were looking for.

"I agree" I nodded again, Colby's head tilting.

"But you didn't like the last place?"

"I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it didn't feel right. This place, it's nice.. but it's small" I noted, my lips pursed at the fairly small closet.

"What about the area? It was a nice drive. It's gated" he commented, his eyes lingering on me as I scanned the room. 

"Yeah" I agreed, Gemma wandering over to us, whining that she was getting bored.

"Gemma, do you like this house?" Colby asked, Gemma shrugging.

She was losing interest.

When we asked her this morning if she'd like to come house hunting, quickly explaining that we'd be driving around and going into houses, she was excited, practically bouncing off the walls. Now that we were doing it? Not so much.

"This room is a bit smaller for it to be the nursery" Colby unknowingly agreed, turning on his heel to leave, stopping in the hallway to talk to the real estate agent.

"Mommy? Can we go back to Papa?" Gemma asked, rubbing at her eyes.

"Soon bug, we have one more house and then we can go to the grocery store and get stuff for dinner for Papas', okay?"

Gemma fell asleep on the ride to the third house, Colby carrying her the entire house tour, our voices fairly soft in hopes of keeping her asleep.

"I don't like this one" Colby commented first, my head nodding in agreement. "At this rate, we'll never find a house" he groaned, my hands cradling my stomach s I rocked on my feet. 

My feet were starting to swell a bit, and my back was getting sore from all the stairs we've been doing.

I wish I was in Gemma's place right now. A nap sounded great.

"I liked the yard space, the kitchen and the master bedroom" I noted, Colby humming in agreement.

"The bedrooms weren't bad. It's lacking a master bathroom though" he said, one of the main factors he wanted in our house.

"At this rate, we might as well build our own" I joked, my body freezing when I watched his eyes twinkle, "Colby-"

"What? That's not a bad idea"

"We aren't building a house in California. I doubt there is even land to do that. We'd have to buy land a house is on and tear it down. Not including the fact that I'm pregnant and the house won't be done and ready to move in by the time this baby pops out" I reminded him, really not wanting the stress of building a house right now.

Gemma stayed asleep in her car seat whilst we drove home, the 15 minutes of silence making the pit in my stomach grow larger when I cleared my throat and softly said, "I don't think I want to live here anymore", nervously looking over at Colby.

"What? What do you mean?" He asked, his voice a little rough from our prolonged silence.

"I think I don't want to live in California. I think that's what really is feeling wrong about all these places. I don't want my girls growing up here" I chewed on my lip again, feeling the soft delicate skin tear.

Colby stayed quiet, his fingers tapping against the steering wheel, causing my own fingers to spin my anxiety ring.

"Where do you want to move?" He asked softly. He didn't sound upset, or applaud by the idea, but simply tired. Defeated even.

"Well, Sam is in Nevada" I started, Colby nodding, "Your parents are in Arizona" I continued, Colby nodding again, "Which means to be close to your family, we need to stay on the west coast" I stated, Colby's brow furrowing. "But.. my family.. my family is in the Midwest" 

"What are you saying, Leighton?"

"I feel guilty" I murmured, my elbow resting on the door frame near the window, my cheek leaning against my hand as I watched traffic go by.

"About?"

"About wanting to move back home. Back to Minnesota" I clarified, "Especially since all your family is over here. I don't want to take you further away from your family, Colby"

"Leighton, babe, I've told you I don't care where we move. I just want you to be happy" He replied, my eyebrows furrowing as I turned to look at him.

"But what about your happiness? I want you to be happy, Colby" 

"I am happy, Leighton. You can't be worried about moving me away from my family" he glanced over at me, "I did that all on my own when I was a teenager. They're a phone call, or even a plane ride away. I'm okay. I know how much being near your family means to you. How you crave the close proximity"

"I just don't need another reason for your mom to hate me" I sighed, Colby's eyes rolling.

"She doesn't hate you"

"She does"

"She apologized, remember?"

"I'm still convinced she wants my head on a platter. She thinks I'm the worst thing for you, and now I'm carrying your offspring"

"Offspring? Please don't ever call our baby that ever again" he laughed, his hand moving off the wheel to my thigh, giving it a squeeze.

"Hey! be careful!" I swatted his hand away, already feeling like I had to pee. The less I could think about my vagina and how much I needed to pee the better. "If traffic doesn't get moving I'm going to piss my pants in this car" I groaned, fed up by California's traffic.

I'm learning very quickly, there is nothing worse than being pregnant, and sitting in California stop and go traffic.

We thankfully got to the grocery store in time for me to waddle off to the bathroom, Colby staying behind since Gemma was still asleep, when I realized this was the same store I got lost in five years ago.

Chuckling, I b-lined it for the bathroom, thankful I've been here quite a few times with Sam and Colby before finding a basket and grabbing a few things for dinner.

I set the grocery bags back in the car before hopping back in, buckling as Colby teased, "You didn't get lost this time" making me grin, Colby leaning over the console to kiss me.

Colby set a drowsy Gemma on the sofa as I plopped the grocery bags on the counter, Colby coming to help me with dinner.

Ever since moving back into the apartment, Colby has been a lot more hands on with me making dinner, Gemma and I helping him learn how to do things.

It was fun watching G take charge, showing him how to measure basic ingredients. (Even though I still had to help her, she acted like she didn't need my help when she instructed Colby) So watching Colby start to chop veggies and toss them into a sauce pan made my chest swell.

"Look at my master chef" I giggled, sneaking a quick kiss before slipping the diced tomatoes into his pan.

"Can't leave my girls hungry" he hummed, sneaking another kiss before stirring the veggies.

"It smells good" My dad commented, walking into the kitchen, looking tired as ever. "How did house hunting go?" he asked, Colby and I filling him in on our failed attempt of finding a house.

"Hey, speaking of moving" he cleared his throat, "I uh, I've been meaning to talk to you guys" dad said, catching my attention. "I didn't really want to say this like this" he started, worrying me, "But you're hard to track down these days"

"Dad, I'm a phone call away, remember?"

With me moving back in with Colby and trying to rebuild the foundation of my relationship, Landon and Logan have really stepped up with helping my parents, meaning I haven't seen my dad or mom for that matter as much as I used to. 

"I know, I know, I just.. I guess I just feel guilty for even bringing it up" he sighed, taking a seat on the bar stool.

"For bringing what up?" I asked, carefully carrying a cutting board of sliced meat over to Colby's pan.

"Your mothers afternoon nurse has uh, brought it to my attention about how rough mom's doing" he said, Colby's back tensing as I stilled, Colby shifting to face my father. "And uh, I made the comment on how we were struggling to afford to pay for all the extra help. You know how we stopped having the evening and night nurse? I mean, we had you around which was nice, I just, I don't want to hold you kids back from your life. I'm grateful you're willing to help, but you guys are old enough to be living your life without us holding you back" 

"Dad, you're not holding us back" I reassured him, afraid of where this conversation was going.

"With mom getting worse, and the money getting tight-"

"Dad, no" I shook my head, my fear starting to become very real.

"Leighton.. It's not fair on your mom-"

"No. Stop" my voice wobbled, remorse filling my dads facial features as he stared at me, my eyes becoming watery.

"Leighton, I think it's time we discussed letting mom go to the other side" he said softly, my heart dropping to my ass, as my tears threatened to fall.

My head violently shook, "No. I.. I'll pay. I'll figure it out. We can find the money" I began, Colby nodding, my dad jumping in before Colby could, "I already know you've offered to pay" dad told Colby, "But it's more than just money, sweetheart." he looked over at me, "It's life. She's getting worse. The cancer is spreading and causing more pain, and her organs to struggle. Baby, she can't even talk anymore. I hate this just as much as you do.. but, I hate even more watching my wife, and my children suffer. We all deserve peace. Your mom.. she shouldn't have to struggle like this every day" His own voice wobbled, my dad becoming emotional was really going to send me into a full meltdown.

"We can't lose her, dad" I began to cry, Colby turning off the stove, setting the pan aside before pulling me into a hug; my head fell into his chest as the tears began to pour at the thought of saying goodbye to my mom.

"Leighton, she's been suffering for a long time. You know that just as much as I do. We both know this isn't the woman we love. She's practically already gone, Leigh"

I just cried into Colby's chest, his chin resting on my head when I felt my dad's hand on my back.

"I hate this just as much as you do-"

"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU CRYING?!" I exploded, shoving my fiancé away, "Why are you doing this?! You sound like you've already decided! That this isn't even up for debate!" I cried, my face turning red as I glared at him, "You just what, giving me a courtesy warning? Fucking thanks dad!"

"Leighton-" he began to warn, my head shaking. 

"No! You're letting her go!" I yelled, "You're giving up!" 

"Leighton Rae, you know I would never give up on your mother, the woman I've loved for 25 years" 

"You are! You're letting her die!" I cried, dismissing the hurt that flashed across his face.

How could he do this? How does someone just decide to let their wife, mother of their children, die?

"Leighton Rae Fox, I am not letting her die. I'm letting her stop her suffering. You should just just as well as me that seeing her like that every day is heartbreaking" 

My throat closed, making it impossible for me to argue back as I choked on a sob, Colby pulling me back into his hold, letting me soak the fabric of his shirt.

The sound of my crying in the kitchen made a little voice ask "Mommy?" cracking my heart even more.

"What Gem?" Colby asked before I could pull away, wiping at my nose with the back of my hand.

"Mommy, kay?" She asked, my head nodding as I took a few deep breaths.

"I'm just sad, bug" my hoarse voice replied, my hand holding onto the counter top as I crouched down, keeping my balance.

"Why are you.. sad, momma?" She asked, her face showcasing concern as I opened my arm, welcoming her into my hold.

"Mommy's just sad at life stuff, bug. You know how you get sad when Coco goes bye bye?" I asked, Gemma nodding, "That's kinda why mommy's sad" I tried to explain, Gemma's face scrunched as she looked up at Colby.

"Coco leave gin?" She asked, air getting blown out between my lips as I shook my head, "No baby, Coco isn't leaving" 

"But.. Mommy say he weave?" 

I decided to just be honest, carefully sitting down on the tile since my legs were staring to ache, "You know how Nonna has a tube that gives her air? And food?" I asked, Gemma nodding.

"Yeah! No touch" her head shook, making me smile.

"Yeah, we don't touch it, huh" I brushed hair out of her eyes, "It helps Nonna breathe and eat so she's big and strong" my chest tightened, "Well, Nonna's been struggling lately.  She's no longer big and strong" I tried, unsure of how to explain death to my almost four year old.

"Nonna sick?" She asked, my head nodding.

"Yeah bug, Nonna's been sick for a while, remember?"

"Yeah!" She nodded, "We wait to get better" She looked up at my dad who I swear was on the verge of crying, "Nonna no better?"

"No baby, Nonna isn't better. That's why mommy is crying, bug" I smiled softly, sniffling a little as my eyes burned.

"Oh" She stated, her face full of confusion until her eyes twinkled, a look of hope making me want to protect her from everything that was about to happen, "Make Nonna card, with.. with Papa!" She grinned, looking over at my dad, "Make Nonna all.. all bedder" 

Oh my sweet girl..

"Baby, if you want to make a card for Nonna, go right ahead, bug, but uh.. Nonna's not gonna get any better" my voice cracked, Gemma's lips pursing, reminding me of myself.

"No bedder?"

"No baby"

"Why?"

"Nonna's very sick, bug"

"But.. but I get sick! I get.. get all bedder! I lay with.. with mommy! and Coco! And.. and I watch car..cartoons!" She grinned, looking up at Coco, "and has.. has snacks! Gemma all.. all bedder then! No more.. no more owies" Her face scrunched again, shaking her head. "Nonna, Nonna needs snacks, momma! And.. and.. and paw.. paw patrol!" She walked past me towards the pantry, snatching a sandwich baggie of proportioned goldfish crackers, running past me and up the stairs, my heart completely shattering as a stangled cry rippled through my throat, my head hung low as the tears continued to pour.

"Do you got her if I go-" my dad paused, his voice low before I heard him leave, feeling Colby sit down next to me, pulling me into his arms.

"I'm sorry, baby" he hummed, kissing the top of my head before the two of us sat in silence, allowing me to cry.

"I can't lose her, Colby" I cried, "I mean, I know.. know she isn't here" I struggled, "But she is.. here" I sniffled, "My daughter needs her grandmother, Colby! I.. my baby is never going to meet her" I cried, Colby tugging me into his lap, my belly in our way making him chuckle and shift us so I was slightly crooked, leaning me forward with my arms wrapped around his neck, his hand moving in a soothing motion on my back.

"Leighton, she has been suffering for a long time" Colby said softly, "And we knew this day would come eventually" he reminded me, my eyes squeezed shut.

"She isn't supposed to die" I whimpered, my breathing rapid as I tried to calm down, wishing I could reverse the clock, or even just change positions with her.

I'd take it away from her in a heartbeat.

We eventually got up off the floor, Colby handing me a water bottle before grabbing my hand and slowly leading me up the stairs.

Walking into my parents bedroom, my mom laying there, looking less and less like herself every day felt like a nightmare I couldn't awake from.

I miss watching her move effortlessly around the house, the way her caring voice gave the best advice, or the way her laugh just felt like home.

I miss the excitement she had learning she was going to be a grandmother, and all the hopes and dreams we had. 

Seeing her lay here with so many wires and tubes attached to her felt.... well, it felt horrifying.

The color in her skin was lacking, and her eyes were closed as her lips parted for the tube.

She looked like a ghost of herself.

Gemma laid next to my mom, goldfish crackers laid one by one on the comforter in my moms lap, Gemma munching on her crackers as my dad sat in the chair by the window, watching the scene play out.

"Mommy!" Gemma grinned, "I gave Nonna fishies!" She grinned, shaking her bag, my eyes widening as crackers went everywhere. "Oops"

"Gemma!" I whisper lectured, moving quickly to collect the crackers, my dad chuckling to himself as Colby came to help.

"Sowwy" She giggled, her cheeks flushed pink.

"It's alright baby, just gotta be careful, okay?" I hummed, plopping a few of the collected crackers back into the bag.

"Nonna no eat fishies?" She frowned, looking at the placed crackers on the comforter.

"I'm sure she will later, okay? She's sleeping, remember? Gotta shh" I held my finger up to my lip, Gemma copying me before climbing out of her spot, wobbling over to me, my arms quickly catching her before she tripped on the blankets. "Gemma, careful" I frowned, Gemma giggling as she wrapped her little arms around my neck.

"Nonna get bedder, mommy! No more sad" She grinned, clearly proud of herself for "nursing Nonna back to health"

"I love you, Gemma Lorraine" I spoke quietly, brushing hair out of her face yet again before kissing her cheek.

"Wuv you, mommy" She giggled again, warming up my shattered heart.

That night we all ate dinner in my parents room, Gemma complaining about the veggies in our stir-fry, Colby taking offense which landed us in a bout of giggles as Colby got her to eat the veggies, claiming he'll be upset that she doesn't like his cooking, pretending to cry until the almost four year old caved, popping a mushy carrot into her mouth, a look of disgusting making me snicker, Colby shaking his head with a little laugh.

My father practically kicked me out of the house, saying I can come back tomorrow to see my mom after I tried to hold a protest, the car ride home silent. Colby took it upon himself to get Gemma into bed as I sat in our bed, my mind spiraling.

I couldn't help but let my mind think about having to plan a funeral for my mom, truly saying goodbye to her and letting her rest easy one last time.

I hated everything about the situation.

I remember when we found out she had cancer, and the spiral that sent me in, but knowing I had to say goodbye due to it made my head feel funny.

I almost craved the idea of letting lose and giving into my old habits, but I knew that was me just wanting a release.

I was stronger today, than I was back in High School. 

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Colby asked, tugging his shirt off, tossing it into the hamper before tugging his jeans off as I replied "Shitty"

"I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Leighton" He sighed, crawling into bed in just a pair of underwear, laying on his stomach as he rested on his elbows, looking up at me. "Your belly looks huge from this angle" he laughed, my eyes rolling as he shimmied closer, pressing a kiss against my stomach. "If only you told me when we first met that you'd be lying in my bed, knocked up with my baby" he grinned, finally coming to lay next to me, snuggling close with his arm tucked under my stomach, across my hips.

"I'm pretty sure you would've kicked me out quicker" I teased, shimmying lower on the bed against the pillows.

"Do you want some happy news?" He asked quietly, catching my attention.

"We have happy news?"

"We do" he hummed, his hand sneaking up to rest against my bump.

"Lay it on me" I snickered, sighing with content as his hand slipped under my shirt, softly caressing my stomach.

"Sam texted me" he started, my eyes rolling.

"That's nothing new"

"Will you let me finish?" He laughed, my mind quickly finding the gutter, getting me to giggle to myself as Colby continued, "He's planning on proposing to Kat soon"

My jaw dropped.

"You're joking!" 

"Dead serious"

"Oh my god! When did he tell you that?"

"Well, he dragged me ring shopping-"

"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! COLBY!" I yelled, slapping his arm.

"I'm sorry! I was sworn to secrecy"

"Secrecy doesn't count with your future wife, and best friend!"

"Noted" he laughed, "Anyway, he texted me whilst we were eating dinner. He's been trying to figure out exactly how he wants to do it, but he says he's got a plan in motion now so" he shrugged, his eyes falling closed as he laid against my boobs, snuggled close.

"Nuh-uh Brock" I groaned, "You don't get to drop that on me and snuggle into my boobs and go to bed" 

I felt him grin against me, kissing the fabric against the side of my boob, my stomach fluttering at the feeling.

"Why are you wearing clothes in bed?" He grumbled, his hand cupping my right boob, giving it a squeeze which made me moan out of both pleasure and discomfort.

"Colby! They're sore, be nice" I frowned, "And because we have a toddler who likes to crawl into our bed sometimes"

"She won't know" he laughed, my eyes rolling.

"Some kids have memories when they're little. She doesn't need to see my boobs, Colby"

"Why? She's fed off them for a year" he teased, pinching my sensitive nipple, causing me to yelp and slap his hand, only for him to quickly move it, causing me to hit my own boob making me groan as he cackled.

"I hate you. You're dead to me, Brock!" 

"I thought we agreed to no clothes in bed, hm?" He tried again, thankfully knowing better than to tease me for missing his hand.

"We did not. You said that and I ignored you"

"Well, I think it's a good idea"

"You're going to regret that when my boobs start leaking milk"

"Sexy" He teased, my boob still stinging.

"Shut up and tell me how Sam plans to propose to Kat"

Colby explained what he knew, answering the questions I had until my voice became soft and drowsy, lulling into a sleep snuggled into his chest.

Sleeping in our bed still felt weird, even with him back in it, but snuggling into him has always felt right.

It felt nice to have more than just a pillow to cuddle all night low.

The next morning, Colby had plans to meet with one of his marketing team members for a brand collaboration, leaving Gemma and I to fend for ourselves all afternoon since my dad told me I wasn't allowed over until after 1pm.

Something about not wanting me hovering and wasting my precious day away, Insert eyeroll here.

I pulled into their driveway right at 1pm, Gemma hopping out of the car all by herself, racing to the door and yanking it open, quickly reminding me of how my little girl is not so little anymore.

"Papa!" Gemma yelled, kicking off her sandals and running upstairs.

How does this girl have so much energy?

Gemma hung out with my dad in his art studio whilst I laid with my mom, the evening creeping up on us when my phone buzzed.

Expecting it to be Colby, I flipped it over, clicking the home button so the lockscreen of Colby and Gemma grinning  with ice cream cones in their hands came into view.

My eyes narrowed when I saw Lexi's name.

Roo 🥱 Hey Leighton. I know it's been a while but I was....

Huffing, I typed in my password, opening my messages.

Roo 🥱 Hey Leighton. I know it's been a while but I was wondering if we could meet up? I'd really like to talk to you. Explain things. 

Roo 🥱 Brennen and I broke up. Please.. just hear me out? I'm sorry

Why was she begging me? She was the one ignoring me!

I debated on being petty, but decided that I needed to grow up and hear her out, I replied; 

Where do you want to meet up?

Sighing, I shut my phone off, not expecting her to reply quickly; only to be surprised when my phone buzzed.

Roo 🥱 I've been staying at Kirsten's. Roo 🥱 Can we meet up at Heather's coffee house around the corner?

Kirsten's? Like my cousin Kirsten? The girl who dropped off the face of the earth and has stopped coming to any family functions for years? What was she doing there?

Agreeing, I asked when, quickly making plans for tomorrow at 2:15pm, praying to god I don't get stood up.

When I walked through Heather's Coffee House at 2:04pm, the nerves set in as I worried about her blowing me off.

I sat down at the booth with a smoothie in hand, aggravated that I can't drink caffeine; scrolling through my phone as I waited.

There was a text from Colby, reminding me to tell him how it goes since he was at a shoot all day.

2:20 rolled around and I was ready to block her number and resume my petty actions, knowing I was right that her ass would stand me up and waste my time.

 Ten more minutes passed and I huffed, grabbing my drink and pushing the metal chair in, saying a quick goodbye to the teenage barista as I left the café. 

What was the point? To waste my time? See if I still cared?

Maybe she chickened out, but why? 

 I could feel anger boil in my chest as I practically stomped down the sidewalk towards my car, ready to call Colby and give him a piece of my mind about my sister when I heard my name frantically shouted, stopping me in my tracks as I turned around, my sister flagging me down.

I glared, turning on my heel as I walked back, her apologetic face looking very punchable right about now.

"I'm sorry I'm late!" She quickly said, a string of hope lingering in her eye as she glanced down at my stomach, then back at me. "You're so pregnant" She whispered probably to herself, my head nodding out of instinct.

"Mhm"

"I.. wow. It's been awhile" She stated, like she hasn't realized how much time has actually passed.

"Yep" my P popped, annoyance evident in my tone, hopefully speeding this process up.

I thought she wanted to talk?

"I uh, can we go in and sit down, please? I'm sorry for being late! I'll explain everything if you will just listen" She spoke in one breath, and I nodded, following her inside to another table in the back of the dining area.

"I got caught up with work and I had to stop back at Kirsten's and I-"

"It's fine" I interrupted, "What do you want to talk about?" I watched her fiddle, her eyes locked on her hands against the brown wooden table. "Lex?"

"I'm so sorry" she breathed out, my body collapsing against the chair. I knew this was useless.  "I never meant to be a bitch" she continued, catching my attention, "I just..... you were right" she exhaled, confusing me as I sat up straight.

"I was right?" I asked, Lexi nodding, "How was I right?"

"I should've never dated Brennen" She said softly and I nodded.

"You're right. You shouldn't have"

"I know.."

"Lexi, what happened? Why did you want to meet?"

"You're the only person I can talk to about this" She murmured, practically sitting on the edge of her seat, ready to bolt at any second.

"Lexi" I said, growing impatient.

I can't sit here all day. I have a dying mother to tend to, and a toddler to care for.

"I'm pregnant" She blurted, my eyes practically popping out of my head.

I swear the world stopped and everything moved in slow motion.

"You're what?" I questioned, my voice full of shock and disbelief.

What did she just say?

"I'm pregnant" She repeated.

So I did hear her right.

"I... what? With Brennen?" I asked, Lexi nodding slowly. "Lexi.." 

"I know!" She whimpered, covering her head with her hands, hiding from me.

"How far along are you?" I asked, struggling to wrap my head around my baby sister being impregnated. 

"I don't know"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I haven't gone to the hospital" she confessed, leaving me bewildered.

"When did you find out?" I questioned, feeling like I was living in some sort of nightmarish alternate universe where everything that could go horribly wrong, does.

"A week ago" 

A WEEK AGO?!

"And you haven't gone to the hospital? Lexi!" I scolded, her face turning pink.

"I know, but I can't!" I whined.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I don't want mom and dad to know" She said, wiping under her eye.

What?

"What do you mean?"

"I'm still on their insurance and I don't want them to know I'm knocked up" She clarified. "I don't even know if I'm keeping it" She said softly, almost inaudibly.

"Not keeping it?" I questioned, my head trying to process a million things at once; failing miserably. "And what do you mean I'm the only one you can talk to about it? What's going on?" I asked, feeling like everything was coming out of left field. "You want an abortion?" I asked, Lexi's eyes widening as she shushed me, looking around us at the mostly empty tables.

"I don't know! I just.. you thought about aborting Gemma, didn't you?" She asked quietly and I nodded slowly. "I just... you have experience with being young and pregnant and in a bad relationship" She confessed, catching my attention again.

A bad relationship?

"Lexi, what's going on? I know you texted that you and Brennen broke up... does he know?" I asked, Lexi avoided eye contact, "Lex, does he know about the baby?" I asked, her head shaking, a sigh leaving my lips. "Lexi.."

"I know! I just.. I can't tell him! We're already broken up.."

"He deserves to know" I frowned.

No matter how much I hate him, they were together for quite awhile...

"Not if I don't keep it" She stated, sitting up straighter.

"Do you really not want to keep it?" I asked, surprised by this revelation since I always expected her to be overjoyed to be a mother.

"I don't know.. I just.. I'm worried" 

"Lexi, if you're not sure, then don't go through with it. Don't do something you'll regret. You should really go to the doctor, see how far along you are, maybe even double check that your pregnancy tests were valid and talk about your options with a medical professional. It's scary, but you need to do what's safest for you, and in your best interest"

"Is it selfish of me to abort it?" She asked quietly, my ears catching a guilty undertone that screamed more than just unexpected pregnancy.

"Lexi, what's going on?" I asked softly, leaning forward to grab her hand with mine, hoping the contact soothed her the same way Colby's did with me.

"Kirsten thinks I shouldn't get an abortion-"

"Well this isn't Kirsten's baby or body Lexi"

"But.. she knows the facts and she's worried-"

"The facts?" I interrupted, my eyes narrowed. "Lexi, what's going on?"

"Kirsten wants me to file a police report" She said quietly, my hand yanking back like it had touched something scolding hot.

"A police report?! For what?! You better start talking Lexi Nicole Fox and fast" 

"Please don't be mad at me" her voice cracked.

"Lexi, tell me" 

"Brennen's been abusing and raping me for months"

* * * * 

Written on: August 15th, 27th, 28th 2023

Published on: August 28th 2023

Word Count: 6130

Part twenty

[princess-hemmo96]

The Deal

12. Awkward Discussions

It was getting pretty late and some of our friends were starting to leave pizza night, which turned into everyone leaving pizza night.

I was standing in the kitchen talking to Kat when Colby came up to me. "Hey, it's already almost 2am, I'm gonna head back to my place."

I look at him and nod. "Okay, give me a second and I'll be ready to go." He nods back and heads back over to Sam. I give Kat a goodbye hug and go to get my shoes and purse.

Colby walked back over to me after talking to Sam. "Ready?" He asked. I nod and we head for the door, waving goodbye to our remaining friends.

We took the short walk back to Colby's apartment. As soon as we walked in the door I saw my stuff and remembered I still had to finish editing my video. "Aww shit," I said, throwing my purse onto the counter and staring at my laptop. Colby looks at me confused. "I have to finish editing my video," I groan.

He shakes his head. "We both don't have much left to do. Why don't we just finish in the morning? We've been working all day, lets relax and put on a movie."

I nod, agreeing with him. "I guess you're right. But if I'm relaxing I need to be comfortable because my clothes aren't comfortable, and if I go home to change then I'm staying home and going to bed. So I guess goodnight then." I begin to pick up my things, but Colby stops me.

"Wait!" I look at him confused. "I mean, you could just wear some of my clothes," he says shyly. I nod and set my stuff back on the counter. "Okay, I'll be right back." Colby heads off to his room and I sit on the couch and wait.

Why would Colby want me to stay? It doesn't make any sense. Some days he can barely stand me, but others he can't be without me. And that kiss! Everything happened so fast I didn't even get a chance to reflect on it because we were so invested in making it believable. What the hell was that? I get he was doing it for show, but it definitely didn't feel like it.

"Here's some clothes," Colby says, walking out of his room and handing me some clothes.

"Thanks," I say standing up and taking them. "I'm just gonna go change real quick." He nods. Why was everything so awkward all of a sudden? Maybe it was the fact that our friends know we're 'together'. I have no idea, but whatever it was it needed to stop.

I quickly changed into one of Colby's merch t-shirts and a pair of his joggers, sinching the waist as tight as they will go due to the size difference. I folded my clothes neatly and brought them out of the bathroom with me and setting them on the counter next to my other things.

Colby was sitting on the couch in similar lounging clothes, scrolling through his phone. He lifted his head up when he saw me walk out. "It's already pretty late, I figured we could just watch some TV or something for a little bit," Colby suggested.

I nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good." I sat on the couch next to Colby and grabbed the blanket from behind my head. I laid it across my legs and Colby grabbed a little bit for himself. Colby had started flipping through TV shows when he finally landed on some ghost show.

We both sat there watching TV silently when Colby spoke up. "Hey, um, what did you mean when you told Tara 'we were hanging out a lot and old feelings came back'?"

He looked at me and I looked back at him. That is not what I thought he was going to say when he opened his mouth. "Oh, that's what my sister said to me when I had to tell her we were dating earlier. Don't worry it's not true, I don't have feelings for you."

"Right," He said, fake laughing ad turning back to the TV.

Speaking on the subject, now was the perfect time to ask about the kiss. "Um," I started out nervously. "While we're on the same subject, that... uh, second kiss was just for show right? You weren't kissing me like that because you wanted to."

"No, no," he stutters. "It was all for show. To make Kevin shut up and to make it really believable. I still don't think Sam believes it 100 percent."

"I don't think so either. I don't think Kat is 100 percent either, but she definitely believes it more than Sam."

He nods at me. "We just have to make sure they don't find out. I think it would be a little difficult to figure out our situation because it's not that common, but we still need to be careful."

I nod in agreement and pull the blanket up around my arms. In the process, I yank some of the blanket from Colby's body. He looks at me and yells, "Hey!" Then pulls the blanket off of me and all the way onto him.

"Dude! Get your own blanket!" I yell and pull the blanket all the way back on to me.

"That is my blanket!"

"I'm in your house, I didn't realize I was supposed to bring my own."

He squints his eyes at me, "Touche." I laugh and throw him the end of the blanket. He takes it and I immediately stick my cold feet under his legs. He looks at me when I do that.

"You fell right into my trap," I smile. I lay my head on the pillow that is on the couch and watch the ghosts on TV until I eventually fell asleep.

[slaxl-rose]

Play The Game (Colby Brock Fanfic) Part 1

a/n - this story was also published to my wattpad @ -rogerscar 

written in 2nd pov.

The heavy stench of cigarette smoke immediately filled your nose as you pushed open the heavy bar door. The room was hot, full of drunk people. You looked all around trying to see any faces which were familiar to you. You kept searching with no luck until you were forcefully pulled into a tight embrace from behind.

"y/n!" you heard

you turned around to see one of your closest friends, Katrina standing beside you. The worry you felt was soon replaced by a feeling of happiness.

you smile contently back at her "oh thank goodness, i couldn't find anyone" you say

"c'mon, we're all sitting over here!" she says while dragging you through the drunken crowd. Once you make it to the table you smile at the others and apologise for not making it on time "sorry guys, i got held up at work" which was true, you worked in a small cafe with a shitty boss who made you stay half an hour later.

"it's alright, as long as you're here now" brennen says sweetly.

you take a sip of the strong drink that got handed to you and begin to catch up with your good friends.

-

As the night goes on, you find yourself- and everyone else, getting more drunk by the minute. You all laugh and joke about anything and everything. Over half of your conversations weren't even making sense.

You can blame the alcohol for that one.

As you listen to Tara talk about the new pink high-heeled shoes she scored last weekend you see that your glass is now empty. An unfortunate discovery

Frowning, you excuse yourself from the table to go order another drink.

you make your way over to the bar and wait to be served. As your waiting you feel a faint tap on your right shoulder. You turn around to see a tall man smiling down at you with glazed over eyes.

He definitely was drunk.

"heyy darlin" he slurs. You mutter a quick 'hi' and begin to order my drink. Once he's got my order, the bartender walks away to make it. You stand patiently waiting when you feel the same guy put his arm around your waist. You turn around quickly this time and begin to push him off

"do you mind?" you growl at him. His smirk grows

"you here alone baby?" he ignores your previous question and asks one of his own

"no, i'm here with my friends"

"friends? so no boyfriend?" and now it's your turn to ignore him. You look past the tall man to see Colby making his way towards the bar. "maybe you could come home with me, i'll make it worth your time" he smirks

you look up to him in disgust.

that's the last thing you'd want.

"actually i do have a boyfriend" you lie

"oh yeah? what's his name?"  

you begin to panic, you see Colby standing about a meter away from you, looking at the drinks menu- paying no mind to you or the guy beside you

until he hears his name.

"it's colby, he's my boyfriend and hes standing right over there" you point to where colby is and he turns to look at you with wide, confused eyes.

did you really just say that?

you mouth a quick "sorry, just play along" and wave him over. Colby makes his way hesitantly towards you and the stranger, obviously confused. As he reaches you, you whisper quickly in his ear again, "just go with it" he nods quickly and introduces himself to the stranger.

"uh- hi, i'm colby" he lifts his hand

the guy scoffs "you're her boyfriend?" he asks in disbelief. Colby raises his eyebrows at the man before quickly glancing down at you "yeah, i am"

"well we were just talking, she said she wanted to come home with me"

"that's bullshit and you know it" you say sternly. The man grins. Apparently getting you pissed off and worked up is amusing to him somehow. Colby quickly catches on to the situation and soon defends you.

"actually she wants you to leave her alone" colby says to the drunk stranger

the man turns to colby and scoffs "what're you gonna do about it?" you look over to see colby tense up. You could see the anger in his eyes and before anything happened or anyone got punched you quickly pulled colby away. Leaving the man alone by himself. You drag colby outside and into the cold air. You let go of his wrist and lean against the cold brick wall. "i'm sorry" you say quietly

"what for?"

i sigh and look up at him "dragging you into this, saying you were my boyfriend"

colby smiles "it's ok love, i don't mind"

you can't stop the faint blush that spreads across your cheeks and it doesn't go unnoticed by colby. "could you walk me home? i don't feel like staying any longer" you ask

"course" he takes your hand and you both walk back in the dark to your apartment.

[turnupbrock]

More than friends//Colby Brock x reader

Colby and I have been friends for two years but recently our friendship has grown past "just friendship".  It was like an unspoken thing but everyone knew that something more was between us from the way that he would pull me into his lap, intertwine my fingers with his, or I would lay my head on his shoulder, or simply the way that we interacted on an everyday basis. So to everyone including myself, it was pretty clear that we were more that just friends. When things started to shift in Colby and I's friendship, I finally told the girls that I had liked him and that I was glad that he was giving me signs that he too felt the same way. And that is true, he was giving me signs. HE was the one that pulled me into his lap, HE was the one that would put his arm around me when we were out, HE was the one that would look between  my eyes and lips. He was giving just as many signs as I was giving him. I thought, sooner or later we would get together and that was all of our friends thought too. Just that sooner or later one of us will finally make the first official move towards one another. But I guess we were all wrong when pizza night rolled around and Colby showed up with a girl. A different girl.

  I walked into Sam's apartment wearing a short, white jersey, black ripped jeans, my usual chain that hung down the side of my leg, and a pair of white vans. My hair was straightened with a black beanie pulled over it. As soon as I walked in my eyes scanned the crowded space and my landed on an unusual face to see at pizza night. It was a girl. She had on a tight black dress, her face was accompanied with flawless makeup, and her long, shiny, brown hair was pulled up into a ponytail. I furrowed my brow and continued into the room. I stumbled upon the group of girls that we all whispering in the corner by Sam's filming room and spare bathroom. I walked behind Xepher and Devyn, popping my head into the secretive circle, "What are we whispering about?" I whisper-shouted. All of the girl quieted down and looked over at me, they had a weird look on their faces but before any of them could speak, "Hey! Y/n, when did you get here?" I heard the deep voice that I was falling in love with. I turned around and saw Colby walking over to the group, his arms open, inviting me into a hug. I happily took it and wound my arms around his waist, his own snaked around my neck and pulled me against him. "I actually just walked in," I replied after a moment, my voice muffled by his shirt. We pulled away and he looked down at me before turning around slightly and motioning for someone to come over to us. Colby turned back to me, "Y/n, I want you to meet someone.." he trailed off just as the same girl from earlier waltzed over to us and latch her arm through his. I took a step back looking between the two, I could faintly hear the whispered voices of my friends, but I didn't acknowledge them. I was too focused on the two people in front of me. "This is Amber, Amber this is my best friend, Y/n." Colby's voice broke through the thoughts running through my head at 100 miles per second. I shook my head slightly to clear it then put on my best fake smile and held out my hand.

"Hi Amber, it so nice to meet you." I said still holding out my hand. She took the hint and grasped it lightly in her own cold hand. I let go and both of ours hand fell to our sides, I looked over at Colby to see him already looking back at me. I didn't know what to say, I just knew that I felt the lump in my throat, telling me that I was about to cry. I swallowed hard against it but it didn't help.  "Are you okay?" Colby's worried voiced asked me, I nodded scared to open my mouth because if I did the only coming out would be a sob. He raised his eyebrow at me, he knew something was wrong but I forced a smile then turned around, back to the group of girls. Tara, Katrina, Devyn, Xepher, and Cassie, they were all looking at me with sympathetic looks on their faces. I shook my head at them and took a deep breath. My chest physically hurt from the weight that I felt. Xepher pulled me into a hug since she was right next to me. I let a few tears run freely down my face when I buried my head into her sweater. When I pulled away, I sniffled a little and wiped my face of any wet trials left. "I'm gonna go say hi to the guys," I mumbled before turning and walking away with waiting for a response. I knew that they knew something was up because when I stepped into the kitchen were all the boys were, they all gave me a small smile. "Don't do that. I'm fine" I said dryly to them. Sam shook his head and pulled me into a quick tight hug, he let me go and I went around and hugged all of them. Jake was the last one that I hugged, I went to pull away but he held me tighter, "If it helps any, all of us were surprised." he said before finally letting go. I nodded at him then looked over my shoulder to see Colby sitting on the couch with Amber and they were talking but Colby would constantly glance up at the group of guys and girls. This time when he looked up his eyes met mine, his eyebrows instantly knitted together but I ignored it and turned back to the guys.

The rest of the night went on, we ate pizza, we drank a little, we listened to music, and as always we played games. I always had fun at pizza night, being with all my friends, my family, they always made me happy. But tonight I couldn't get past the fact that Colby actually brought another girl over. Maybe I was being irrational and thought that when he and I would so obviously flirt, maybe he was doing it as a joke. Maybe he didn't mean anything by the things that he said or did, but I did. I meant everything that I said or did. My heart fluttered every time that he did a flirtatious thing with me. Or if he did something so simply as in hug me. I continuously  ignored Colby's eye contact and tried my best not to talk to him. I was angry and hurt. So hurt and angry. Finally when Colby pulled Amber down into his lap, like he did numerous times to me, I stood up from my place on the couch next Mike and Tara. "I- uh gotta go. I'll see you guys later." I said trying to hold my tongue and my tears in. I ignored the calls of my name and Mikes hand when he tried to stop me from leaving. I exited the apartment, hearing the door close behind me. I stood there for a second and wiped the tears that unwillingly fell from my eyes. A second later the door opened again and I felt a familiar warm hand on my shoulder. This time the touch wasn't welcoming or drew me in to want to touch him. When I felt Colby's hand lay on my should, I quickly turned to face him and took a step back. His eyes were filled with worry and confusion as he spoke, "What's wrong? Why did you just leave?" I let out a breath, trying not to yell or let my feeling slip out without warning. "I'm just tired and want to go home." I replied avoiding eye contact with him. "Why are you acting this way? Is it because Amber's here?" He asked that's when I finally lifted head to look at him. I broke, "Yeah, Colby, because Amber is here. That's why I'm so fucking upset" I exclaimed raising my hand and letting them fall back down. "Why are upset that Amber is here?" he asked once again, I furrowed my brows in confusion and in anger. "You really don't know?" I whispered tone even cracked. "Uh, no. Y/n, me and you are only friends. So why should it matter if Amber is here?" he said back his own voice dripping confusion and now a little bit of anger. Those words broke my heart. So all the flirting that happened was just a joke to him.

I breathed out a chuckle and let the tears that were threatening to spill over, do so. They trailed down my face until they hit the dark colored carpet. "Really just friends?" I asked. He nodded, "Yeah, Y/n just friends.." he trailed off. I thought that I saw a little sadness and unsure pass in those beautiful blue eyes. I felt my heart break a little more at his words, and I could help it, the words just poured out of my mouth like a water fall, "We were more thank just fucking friends and you know it!" I exclaimed to him. I watched as his eyes widened at my sudden out burst but I didn't give him time to react or say anything. I raised my hand in a half hearted wave, "It doesn't even matter any more, bye Colby go have fun." I said lowly. I walked down the hall, to the elevator, not bothering to wipe my tears because every time I did, they were just replaced with fresh ones.

I got to my apartment and changed into a hoodie and shorts. I had been declining everyone's calls and not replying to their text messages. I sat on my couch pulling my hoodie over my hair, replaying everything that happened and the tears started again. I couldn't but to feel stupid, I thought that he had liked me back but I was wrong. I don't know how long I sat there, crying and thinking but when the knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts, I jumped. I sat up confused, I looked at my phone and realized that it was 2:00 am. The knock sounded again but this time it was louder and constant. "I'm coming damn, stop fucking banging!" I yelled out. The loud thuds were starting to give me a headache. I really didn't want to talk to anyone. I finally opened the door to reveal Colby. A very tired looking Colby. He was in a 'Take Chances' hoodie and his normal grey joggers. As soon as I opened the door, he basically tackled me in a hug. His tall figure completely engulfing me, I didn't resist. I somehow got my arms around his waist and squeezed him tightly against me. After a moment, I decided to speak up, "Colby? Are you okay? What are you doing here?" my voice came out hoarse and tired from crying. He pulled away from me, "I'm so sorry Y/n. I didn't mean it. I like you so  so much but I didn't want to ruin anything between us. You mean so much to mean and I didn't want to go and fuck that up." His voice was rushed and thick like he wanted to cry. "Colby, I like you too. So fucking much. That's why I was taken aback when I showed up and you were there with her. Colby, that hurt. I thought that we were going to one day be something more than friends then you said that we were nothing but friends." I said my voice breaking slightly. He shook his head and stepped closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and looked into my eyes, "Do you want to be more than friends?" he whispered with a hopeful glint in his eyes, I smiled broadly. "Ye- wait, what about Amber?" I asked him. "We weren't dating, we were just talking." he explained and smiled at me. My cheeks were starting to hurt from how wide I was smiling, "Then, yes. I want to be more Colby." I whispered to him. His smile only grew and leaned down but stopped right before our lips touched, "You know there were so so many times that I wanted to do this.." his whispered to me. My heart was racing with anticipation because in all honestly, I have wanted to do this about a hundred times in the past. "Me too." I breathed out. In the next second our lips caressed each other softly. But quickly the kiss turned more passionate and rough, I buried my fingers in his hair and pulled slightly making him groan into my mouth. He picked me up from under my thighs, I wrapped my legs around his waist. He pulled away and smirked, "Let's go do something else that I have wanted to do before." he said to me. I felt my cheeks heat up but nodded, "I would love that." I said connecting my lips back to his.

       I don't know, should I do a smut in the future? Let me know! Hope you enjoyed! 🖤🖤

[ilguna]

Credit to @sweetxplr for the screenshots

And thank you to @colbybrockfanfics for finding more authors

[britswriting]

Devotion (16)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Colby's POV*

"How about Hope?" I suggested, Leighton and I bouncing baby names off of each other for the past hour.

"Hope Brock sounds horrible" Leighton once again disagreed.

"But if you tossed a middle name into there? It would split it up" I reminded her, Leighton rolling her eyes.

"No one is going to call her Hope middle name Brock her entire life. How often do we use G's middle name?" She asked, my mouth staying shut, "Exactly. I don't like Hope. What about..... Jolina?" She suggested, my nose wrinkling as I shook my head, "Mackenzie?" 

"Mackenzie Brock? No. What were some baby names you had for Gemma?" I asked, Leighton scrolling through her phone.

"I don't fucking remember. That was like five years ago and I'm pretty sure I was dating my ex"

"Oh the dark ages, huh?" I joked, Leighton flipping me off.

"Heather? No... Faith? No... Oh! Courtney-"

"No" I cut her off, Leighton's jaw dropping.

"Why not?"

"I'm a social media influencer. I refuse for the world to find out my baby has the same name as a Kardashian" I stated, leaving no room for argument, only to hear Leighton laugh.

I glanced back over to her, seeing she was still scrolling.

"Anna? No. I like longer names" She mumbled to herself, "Ophelia? Ophelia Brock?" Leighton checked in, my head shaking. "Why not?"

"Sounds weird with Gemma"

"They don't have to match, Colby"

"Oh. So you're going to introduce our kids to your friends as Gemma and Ophelia?"

"Why not?"

"I don't like it"

"Okay, well you could've just said that instead of throwing a fit about them not matching"

"I didn't throw a fit" I huffed, Leighton ignoring me as she listed another name.

"Selena?"

"As in Gomez?"

"Not exactly" 

I shook my head, Leighton groaning, "We're getting nowhere"

"Well stop picking shitty names"

"They're not shitty!" 

"They're pretty shitty, babe" I chuckled, Leighton taking a deep breath through her nose. 

"How about Olivia?"

"Olivia Brock? Eh"

"Oh my god! Colby, this child is going to be nameless!"

"Leighton, I'm sure we'll figure it out. What if you looked at unisex names?"

"Dillion"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Dillion Brock? Do you want her to get bullied?"

"Whatever. We could always do with a Y. Dylan, with a Y?"

"Still no"

"God you're impossible"

"I'm impossible?" I chuckled, Leighton nodding. "I'm not the one suggesting shitty names like Dylan"

"Dylan isn't a shitty name" She argued back, my lips staying sealed as I slowed the car at the intersection, awaiting the greenlight. "Parker?"

"Parker's cute" 

"Gemma and Parker" Leighton tested out, "Is Parker too boyish next to Gemma's name?" Leighton pondered aloud.

"I don't think so?"

"It doesn't give you little brother vibes? Compared to little sister vibes?"

"Well clearly you think so, so move on"

"But we like Parker?"

"I think Parker is cute, but you clearly have an issue with it. We can leave it on the table, but list another name" 

"Hm... Zoe? Zoe Brock?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Gemma and Zoe?" I questioned, catching a frown on Leighton's face.

"Yeah, what about it? It sounds cute"

"Zoe. Zoe. Zoe Brock. Gemma and Zoe. This is my daughter, Zoe" I tested out, Leighton giggling. "I mean, it's better than Dylan"

"Oh my god! Get over the Dylan thing!" Leighton laughed, a slight whine to her voice. "So we're keeping Zoe?"

"Sure"

"Okay.... how about Riley? Riley is cute"

"Riley Brock" I tested, "Riley? Riley and Gemma?" I questioned, Leighton nodding. "I mean, it's alright. I'm not in love with it or anything"

"You see what I mean? Naming a baby is so hard! What about Cameron?"

"Cameron Brock? No. I don't like the C, B, sound"

"You're so weird" She chuckled.

"It sounds weird" I defended myself, Leighton giggling to herself.

"So does that mean all C names are out of question?" 

"Probably"

"But what if we really like a C name?"

"Then we'll add it to the list"

"God, this is annoying" she grumbled.

Leighton and I spent most of our trip debating different names, marking down ones we liked to circle back too.

"I'm getting so much Deja vu. It feels so weird to be back" Leighton noted, our car right behind Logan and Cynthia's as we pulled up to the all too familiar Airbnb. "I still can't believe I hung out with your YouTuber friends and participated in your dumb videos when I was pregnant. I really was trying to befriend your ass" 

"We should watch those videos again" I chuckled, turning off the car, seeing Logan step out of his car and start to greet us as Leighton collected her things, struggling to grasp her giant ass water bottle she got when we stopped at a Gas Station for her to pee.

"Hey! You have the keys right?" He asked as I opened the car door, stepping out and digging the correct key out of my pocket, passing it to him.

"Can you grab my stuff? I need to pee like no tomorrow" Leighton begged and I nodded, watching her awkwardly run to her brother who was unlocking the place.

The sound of tires against the rocky terrain got me to turn around, Sam and Kat coming into view as I popped open the trunk, grabbing the two suitcases.

"I can't believe we're back!" Sam yelled out his window, putting the car into park.

"I know! Leighton and I were just talking about that! I feel like this is where it all started" I spoke in astonishment, turning to look at the unreal castle behind us.

"I was telling Kat that I feel like we have to film here. Even if it's just for ourselves, to have that like.. memory comparison, ya know?"

"Oh my god!" I laughed, "Leighton was just talking about how she can't believe she filmed our dumb videos with us"

"Hey! They weren't dumb! If I recall, she fucking won that hide and seek game" He laughed, stepping out of the car to pull me into a hug.

Sam, Kat and I met Logan, Cynthia and Leighton in the Airbnb, April and Kevin sadly weren't able to get the time off to join us.

"I'll fight you to the master, I swear to god Colby!" Kat warned, slipping her shoes off and racing me up the stairs.

She ran straight down the hall, my quickened steps right behind her, only to abruptly stop, seeing Leighton laying in her little hobbit hole.

"Hey" I panted, my heart attempting to beat right out of my chest from racing up the stairs, "What are you doing? I thought we were getting the master?" I questioned, leaning against the door frame as I attempted to catch my breath.

"Just wanted to sit here again. I uh, it uh.. feels surreal. Last time I was here, I was pregnant with Gemma, and now I'm pregnant with our own little one" I smiled softly, her hand rubbing against the fabric of her shirt, caressing the bump. "I remember sitting here, journaling about hanging out with you guys and what I thought life was going to be like" She spoke softly, her hand running across the blue patched quilt, "This feels like a dream, and not a like.. I really wanted to come here and can't believe it's happening dream, but a like....... time warp back to five years ago"

"I know what you mean. I remember sitting right here, and you declaring I had a foot fetish" I chuckled, standing at the end of the bed. 

"The verdicts still out on that one Brock" She giggled, shifting to lay down on the bed, my hand reaching out for her foot, dragging her down to me, my body leaning forward to rest the palms of my hands on either side of her. "I don't remember last time being this intimate" She spoke softly, pulling a boyish like grin out from me.

"I don't remember last time you having a ring on your finger vowing to be mine forever, and your womb to be carrying our love child" I let my nose brush against hers, Leighton's nose wrinkling.

"Did you have to say womb and love child?"

"Mhm" I hummed into her neck, Leighton shivering from the sensation.

"The last time I had sex here, it was with Ariya" 

"We're not talking about that" I grumbled, hating the idea of her sleeping with one of my friends.

"Someone's jealous" She hummed, her hands moving underneath my shirt, her nails teasing the skin on my back.

"As I should be" I scoffed, "You're mine, and you let someone else have you"

"Hey! That was before I knew you liked me" She defended herself, her hands slipping into the back of my jean pockets.

"Haven't you heard the term, boys are mean to girls on the playground because they like them?"

"That's a load of bullshit. Boys are just pricks who have nothing better to do with their time than pull a girl's hair and make her cry. It still stands true even at 26 years old" She raised a brow at me, grinning when I scoffed.

"Girls are just teases who tell you one thing and do another"

"Oh? You want to go there?" She warned, my lips folding shut. "That's what I thought, pretty boy. Now get off me before I knee you in the balls"

"Come on. Let's go find a room that will sleep us both" I offered my hand, Leighton eyeing me.

"Who said I want to sleep with you?"

"My baby that you're willingly carrying is my first guess" I shook my hand at her, Leighton rolling her eyes as she grabbed my hand, allowing me to pull her up.

I grunted slightly, Leighton glaring, "Don't you fucking start or I will sleep in my hobbit hole"

"I didn't mean to" I laughed, Leighton appearing annoyed. "Leigh, baby, wait-" I rushed, grabbing her arm and wrapping them around her, trapping her against me, "I didn't mean to. It was the angle, I swear"

"Mhm. If you know what's good for you you'll let me go"

"Leigh" I whined, Leighton groaning, her head resting against my shoulder, her back to my chest. "I win" I murmured only to feel her elbow jab me in the stomach, setting her free, "Hey!" I groaned.

"I warned you" She laughed, her hand gripping the door frame before turning the corner.

~

"Do you know how happy I am that this baby allows you to have pizza?" Sam said, grabbing another slice of our oh so delectable choice of dinner.

"Oh, you and me both!" Leighton practically moaned biting into the pizza.

"Do you think it's the grease and cheese?" Cynthia questioned, "When I was pregnant with Harper, I hated seeing melted cheese for months"

"It was honestly the smell, so I don't know, but I am very pleased that is not the case at this moment. I felt so high maintenance anytime they'd ask me what I wanted because I couldn't eat pizza" 

"Leighton, you are high maintenance" I teased, her jaw dropping as her hand came to cup under her chin, catching the stringy cheese, all of us laughing.

"I am not!"

"Just a little bit" I pinched my thumb and pointer finger close together.

"How? I-" she paused, her jaw still dropped.

"It's alright Leighton, we still love you" Logan teased, Leighton glaring over at him.

"How am I high maintenance? Because if I recall, I did my best to try and get along with everyone- oh, I'm hearing it" 

I snickered, "When I first met you, you always had your nails done, your makeup on-"

"And?" She interrupted, "What's wrong with wanting to look pretty?"

"Nothing is wrong with wanting to look pretty, babe, it's just, you don't like to show your bare self-"

"Well not in front of my brother" 

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" I laughed, Cynthia choking on her pizza.

"To be fair, Cynthia paid for the nails. Cynthia, back me up here" Leighton turned to look at her sister in law.

"I did, but that's because it was our bonding time since Logan and I were dating. It was our only time away from this one" her thumb pointed at Logan next to her, "Where we could gossip without him interrupting" 

"We should start that again. I can finally afford to pay it myself"

"What if we looked for a place around here? Kat, would you want to join us? Have some girl time whilst the boys have their boy time?" Cynthia asked, catching Kat mid bite of her pizza. "Think of it like a birthday gift from Leigh and I" Cynthia passed me a sickening sweet smile.

What is she doing?

"Uh, yeah, sure, that sounds fun" Kat passed a smile, the room falling quiet until Logan sparked a conversation with Sam and I about our plans for the upcoming year.

Once the sun began to go down the six of us walked out onto the stone patio where an enclosed fire pit was, Logan and Sam setting it up whilst Leighton, Kat and I grabbed the s'mores stuff.

"Please be careful" I begged Leigh, watching her step around a few of the chairs to sit between Cynthia and I.

"I'm fine" She waved me off, not settling the flutter in my stomach at all.

"Leighton, please, just, there's an open flame and you're a klutz"

"Okay, I'll be careful. I'll just make you get up and grab me things" She smirked, leaning back against the metal chair, popping open the box of graham crackers.

"That I can do. Whatever keeps you from falling period, let alone into fire" I muttered, Cynthia passing out the sticks, skipping Leighton.

"I still can't believe you don't like marshmallows" Kat stated, happily opening the bag and placing one on her stick.

"I'm here for the graham crackers. You guys got the good ones" Leighton cracked the cracker in half, taking a bite.

"The good ones?" I questioned, unable to see the label from how dark it was.

"Mhm. The honey ones"

"I thought they only came in the honey version?" I grabbed a graham cracker, Leighton shaking her head. "Hm. Well you learn something new every day" I chuckled, all of us sticking our marshmallows in.

"Can I do one? Will someone eat it?" Leighton asked, looking around our circle.  

"Nope. Last time I let you make me a s'more, you put... shit, what was it?" Logan looked over at Leighton who was already starting to giggle.

"I spread marmite on his crackers" She giggled, Logan fake gagging.

"Ohhh! That's disgusting" Sam gagged, "You're actually evil. Colby, did you know you were marrying the devil?"

"I mean, it's his mistake for taking something from Leighton" I laughed, Leighton having a proud grin on her face.

"Do you guys remember that horrendous drink you made me?"

"Yes! Brennen was annoyed you ate his snack" Sam laughed, Kat and Cynthia caught in their own conversation as Logan excused himself from the group.

"Dude, those were so good! God, what were they?"

"I don't know, this was like five years ago!" Sam exclaimed, pushing a marshmallow onto Leighton's stick.

"Double or nothing Samuel! Come on now. This isn't amateur hour" Leighton scolded, Sam sliding a second marshmallow onto her stick. "Who's eating this?"

"I'll eat it" I volunteered, Leighton nodding, my legs spreading, allowing her to stand between them to roast her marshmallow, my hands holding her hips as the fear of her toppling into the fire rattled my veins.

"Woah! Hey!" Sam abruptly shouted, startling me.

"What?" I questioned, peaking around Leighton's hip.

"You can't just shove it in the fire!" He lectured, Leighton's posture straightening.

"I'm too impatient to let it—"

"No" Sam interrupted, shaking his head, "What kind of animal burns their marshmallow on purpose?! You said you wanted to roast a marshmallow"

"Okay, what are you? S'mores police?"

"Yes, yes I am! Colby! Look who you're marrying!" Sam complained, Leighton laughing with a head shake as she put her marshmallow back into the fire, pulling it out as the reddish orange flame crisped the outside, blowing it out.

"Do you care that it's burnt?" Leighton questioned; the motion of Kat standing up to burn her own catching my attention.

"It doesn't matter" 

"Do you want it on a cracker or on its own?"

"Here" I opened my mouth, Leighton's eyes widening.

"For real? It's hot"

"Well no shit, it was on fire" I laughed, opening my mouth again, waiting.

"I'm getting flashbacks to that time you put juice in your mouth and then fucking poured it into mine"

"Shut up and give me the marshmallow or you're banned from roasting" 

colbybrocksecret: "What kind of animal burns their marshmallow on purpose?" - @samgolbach

~

"You look so pretty, baby" I hummed, Leighton's glorious bump on show as she stood in front of me in just a bra and the sweatpants she was wearing earlier.

"This belly is definitely bigger than when I was pregnant with Gemma" her hand caressed her stomach.

My head shook, "You were definitely bigger with Gemma"

"Excuse me?! Colby!" She gasped.

"What? You were a lot bigger when you were in delivery"

"Colby! I'm talking about for how far along I am. 5 months with G, I was a lot smaller than I am now with your baby"

"God, you're halfway through already?" I exhaled, feeling like everything has gone by so fast.

"Mhm. Our little baby girl is already half cooked in here" She smiled, my hands holding the side of her belly as we looked in the mirror above the dresser.

"I can't believe you're doing this again. I recall you saying you were never having a baby ever again after Gemma's delivery, and now you want to do a home birth? No meds?" My brow raised, Leighton's cheeks turning crimson.

"That's the plan"

"Are you prepared for that?" I asked, Leighton's tongue poking out to wet her lips as her head shook.

"I don't even know where I'm doing it. I mean, I could do it at my parents house, but wouldn't that be a lot? The other option is at our apartment.. and uh, I don't think our neighbors want that"

"Silly option number three" I hesitantly began, Leighton's face masking confusion, "We buy a house together"

"Colby" She sighed, my hopes and dreams immediately getting squashed, "We don't even live together right now"

"Hey! That was your choice!" I noted, my hands dropping from her waist, taking a few steps back.

"You know why I did that" 

"Leighton, be honest with me. Are you ever moving back home?" I asked the hundred million dollar question, holding my breath as I analyzed her movements.

Her breath hitched as her shoulders tensed, taking a few Mississippi seconds before turning around to face me, exhaling through her nose, "I want to"

"Okay? And what does that mean?"

"It means I want to. I want to be with you, to have a house with you, to do life with you.. I'm just... I'm nervous. I'm nervous to commit again and repeat last time. History lately appears to be going in a vicious cycle and I just, I don't want to repeat this again" She emphasized, reaching down to pull an oversized shirt over her head, pulling her hair out of the neck of the shirt, letting it cascade down the front of her chest. 

"I'd undo it if I could. You know that, right?" 

"I'd like to hope you would. Did uh, community service go well?" She asked quietly, her finger spinning her ring.

"Was fine" I muttered, not wanting to talk about my quite literal walk of shame, slipping my rings off my fingers.

"What did they have you do?"

"The cliché road side trash pickup"

"Ah. I had to do work inside of the prison. It was like a prison job without the pay before I was fully let go" Leighton confessed, surprising me that she was opening up about her jail time.

I decided to not push it, knowing it was extremely rare for her to share this information, my head nodding in acknowledgement that I had heard her.

I tugged off my shirt, tossing it towards the open suitcase before sliding down my skinny jeans.

"I can feel you staring" I mumbled, kicking them off.

"Oh, I can't stare?" Leighton jokes, crawling onto the bed.

"I never said that. Do I have to wear pants?"

"Well you're not sleeping nude" 

"No. Like can I just wear my underwear?" I asked, Leighton barely acknowledging me as she plugged in her phone. "Leigh?"

"That's fine. Just don't wake up with an erection because I'm too pregnant to have self restraint" She shimmied down the bed, pulling the covers up over her bump.

I smirked, sliding into bed next to her, copying her movement as I got comfortable.

We laid in silence for a moment before I spoke up, "This feels weird"

"What does?"

"Being in the same bed again" I mumbled, Leighton's bedside lamp giving off a dim yellow glow to the room.

"Oh. I haven't really registered it to be honest. I mean, it's been kind of weird all day. Feels like old times" 

"It does, doesn't it" I hummed, shifting to face her, "I've missed you, you know?" 

"I've missed you too" She replied, sounding half ingenious due to scrolling through her phone.

"Please come home" I begged softly, Leighton looking down at me.

"Colby" She sighed, "Is this what this trip is about? You begging me to move back in?"

I shook my head, "Leighton, please. I'm already missing so much and I know I royally messed up" I paused, my brain annoyingly reminding me I have yet to tell her my biggest screw up. I cleared my throat, "But I miss you. I miss Gemma. I miss being a family. I miss coming home to you guys, and tucking G in at night, and cuddling you to bed"

"I'll think about it, okay?" She said and I nodded, knowing this was the best I was going to get.

I woke up the next morning to Leighton's body drifting towards mine, our limbs kept to ourselves, but a beautiful sleeping face just out of reach of being able to easily lean over and kiss her.

Every fiber of my being wanted to go back to every horrific choice I've made and undo it.

All night last night I just laid there, listening to her soft breathing and occasional snore, pretending to be asleep when she got up to go pee around 3 or 4 in the morning.

I held my breath when she laid back in bed, silently praying that she would inch closer to me if she thought I was asleep, but that wasn't the case. Her awake mind slept closer to the edge than her asleep brain, where she had drifted towards me. 

I walked into our kitchen, Cynthia and Logan sat at the island eating what appeared to be frozen french toast sticks and scrambled eggs.

"Good morning" Cynthia greeted me as I opened the fridge.

"Mornin'" I grumbled, my voice gruff from the lack of use.

"Leighton still asleep?" She asked and I nodded. "I called around 9 this morning to a salon near us, so later today the girls and I are going to head out. Any idea what you boys will do whilst we're away?" Cynthia asked, looking between Logan and I.

Logan shrugged, my lips staying sealed as I poured cereal into a bowl. "You guys are not morning people" Cynthia spoke to herself, scraping the end of her breakfast into the trash before washing her dish.

"Sorry" I mumbled, Logan following Cynthia's lead. "Do you uh by chance know what Leighton would want for breakfast?" I asked, feeling like a horrible fiancé for not knowing her do's and don'ts of pregnancy food.

"I don't, I'm sorry" She apologized and I nodded, the drawer slamming shut as I placed my spoon into my bowl.

"Don't worry about it"

"Everything going alright between you two?" She asked, Logan making himself scarce.

"Define alright" I half heartedly chuckled, Cynthia frowning as she joined me back at the island.

"Still planning on getting married?" She asked, making my very tired brain suddenly alert.

"What? Has Leighton told you otherwise?" I worried, Cynthia's eyes widening.

"Shit! I'm sorry!" she freaked, "She hasn't said anything! I just..." shit. Does Leighton not want to get married? Is Cynthia covering for her? "She had talked a little bit about her concerns and things, I just didn't know where you two stood now. I mean, you slept in the same bed, right? That has to mean something" Cynthia tried to save her reaction, my jaw clenched as I chewed my cereal, nodding.

"We shared the bed, yes. I don't know if you can clarify it as sleeping together, no. Leighton practically slept thirty feet away from me unless she was asleep and the weight of our bodies causing the dip in the mattress to make her roll closer" 

"So no makeup sex then?" She joked, her smirk flattening out when I sighed, shaking my head.  "How bad is it Colby? Be honest with me, what happened?"

"What has she told you?" I questioned, walking on eggshells due to Cynthia basically being Leighton's best friend, whether Leighton wants to admit it or not.

"Not much. She just expressed her concerns about whatever happened and how she felt about you" Cynthia shrugged, my eyes squinting.

Is she lying to me? Does she know more?

"Let's just say.. Leightons actions are valid" I replied quietly, shame filling my chest as I took another bite of cereal.

"Her actions? She seemed okay earlier?"

"She hasn't been my biggest fan, and it's deserved"

"Well, what did you do?" She asked, my nerves beginning to boil.

"I don't want you to hate me as well" I admitted, Cynthia leaning on the palm of her hand to look at me, her elbow resting against the countertop.

"Colby, I could never hate you. I mean, I've seen you and Leighton go through it all, and we have even had our own moments. Shit happens sometimes. I mean, what's the worst you've done to her? It's not like you'd ever cheat on her" She laughed, my eyes widening, "You for years could barely give her enough room to breathe" She continued, my brain beginning to reel at the four little words she just laughed at.

Trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I had supposedly cheated, and I had to confess to Leighton still felt like an impossible task. I mean, how does one practically confess a sin that he can't even recall? How fucking stupid do I look having to lean on Sam to recall the basic facts he walked in on? 

Attempting to contact Chloe felt like a lost cause. I'm sure she got what she wanted and left. 

I never thought she'd be the girl to do that. Hell, I never thought I'd be capable of doing that.

Having cheated in the past, even if our relationship was basically done, I really never saw myself sitting in this position. Loving Leighton felt so easy. Even in the hard moments, it was harder to walk away from her than stand by her, and now here I was, sat next to her sister in law arguing with my own brain over how the fuck to tell the love of my life that I did possibly the worst thing imaginable.

How do you come back from breaking someone's trust this bad? 

I'm so far gone that the light at the tunnel could barely be found, yet here I was scraping the end of the barrel for any sign of hope that all of this could work out. That if I was nice to her, and loved her the way she deserved, that we could just overlook this. 

"Colby?" Cynthia's hand waved in front of my face, my head shaking me out of the trance I was in.

"Hm? Sorry, what?" I fumbled, Cynthia's face scrunched up in worry.

"You alright? You just zoned out for like five minutes. I was talking and then I noticed you stopped reacting. You good?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry. Was just uh, thinking" 

"Well? Are you going to tell me what you did?" She asked, my lip getting caught between my teeth.

"I uh, I don't think I should. Sorry" I mumbled, excusing myself, leaving my bowl on the counter as I swiftly exited.

I took a seat on one of the balconies, staring at the morning sun as I wracked my brain for any possible way I could come clean without destroying everything I've worked towards.

Is there really any way to come clean without crumbling everything beneath me?

What would it take for her to understand? To hear me out? 

Not only is she Leighton, but she's pregnant Leighton, and pregnant Leighton is scary.

She's moody, dramatic, she holds more grudges than non-pregnant Leighton..

but I can't hold off, can I?

I mean I have to tell her.... right?

But what about the baby? What then? Would she withhold me from seeing my babies birth? Especially with it being a homebirth....

Would she ban me from the birth? From seeing my baby at all? The same way she has with Gemma? 

The idea of how much control she has over me is fucking terrifying. One wrong move and everything I've worked for these past five years just vanished.  I'm not talking every accomplishment, but my literal family.

The girl I'm head over heels for, the almost four year old I'd die for, and my unborn child who doesn't even know how fucking messy our lives were... it could all be gone with a little of few to no words.

"What's got that vein poking out of your forehead this early in the day?" Leighton asked, my body jolting at the new sound. "Good lord Colby" she laughed, "Why are you so jumpy?"

"Nothing. Just thinking"

"Well stop thinking so hard" She snickered, leaning against the balcony, "Cynthia told me we're getting our nails done later. Any requests?" She asked, shifting to face me as I leaned back against the chair.

"Requests?"

"Mhm"

"You want my opinion?"

"Why? You picked cool nails that one time"

"What one time?" I laughed, Leighton's eyes rolling, taking a seat in the chair next to me.

"You don't remember when you let me paint your nails?"

"Oh"

"Yeah oh" She mocked, chuckling.

"That was a long time ago" I replied quietly, silence falling between us.

"Colby?"

"Hm?" I hummed, keeping my eyes locked on the horizon in front of me.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine"

"Ah. The classic I'm fine excuse. I thought we were going to work on our communication skills?"

"Leighton" I warned, Leighton scoffing, "Colby. You said you were going to work on it, and I'm trying to be here for you"

"Oh. You mean the same way I was trying to be there for you with Aaliyah, and you decided that you didn't get to talk about it?" 

"Jesus, did you wake up on the fucking floor this morning? What's your problem?"

I exhaled a deep breath through my nose, turning to look at Leighton, "I'm just saying I would appreciate the same courtesy of leaving me alone when I want to be left alone, that I've given you"

"Courtesy? Are you feeling okay?" She chuckled, stretching her jaw to the side before licking her lower lip, leaning back against the chair, her arms crossed over her chest as she attempted to cross her leg, only to realize her belly was in the way, extending her legs to cross her ankles. "Alright, damn, I'll stop asking you about it" She huffed, the silence beginning to linger before she cleared her throat, "Are you going to be mad at me all day or? I just," she paused, shifting to sit forward, starting to talk with her hands, showing me how impatient she was becoming, "I got up like ten minutes ago, and you're already mad at me? I'm just confused how we got from point A to point B so quickly?" 

"I thought you were done asking about it?" I griped, Leighton's lips pursing as she nodded, pushing herself out of the chair, heading back inside.

I groaned, running my hands through my hair.

God damnit.

By the time I walked downstairs, the girls had left and Sam and Logan were chilling in the family room, Sam looking up over his laptop as I entered, "Hey. You look like shit" 

"Thanks man, I feel like it too" I chuckled, my jaw tightening as I plopped down on the couch next to him.

"Why do you look and feel like shit?"

"Because I'm a shitty person, Samuel"

"You're not a shitty person Colby. What's got you in a funk this time? This trip was your idea"

I eyed Logan who was already looking at me with a glimmer of skepticism written all over his face.

"The usual" I mumbled, pulling out my phone.

"So are we all going to sit here on our phones or do you guys want to do something?" Logan questioned, giving me a knowing look.

"And what do you have in mine Mr. Fox?" I teased.

 "We could go out to a bar?" He suggested, Sam immediately shaking his head.

"We're staying alcohol free this weekend" Sam shot down.

"What? Why?" Logan questioned.

"Leighton's pregnant" Sam tossed back immediately.

"And sober" I chimed in, Logan giving us weird looks.

"Leighton doesn't care if we drink"

Sam and I stayed quiet knowing he was right, Logan speaking up again, "Plus, isn't that what guys trips are for? Getting drunk and having fun?" he joked, Sam eyeing me.

"It's 1pm?" I tried, Logan chuckling to himself, "It's 5'oclock somewhere" 

"If you want to go out to a bar we can" I shrugged, Sam's eyes narrowing at me as Logan shoved himself off the couch.

"Great! I'll go get ready. When do we want to leave?"

"Um.. half hour?" I suggested, Logan nodding before excusing himself.

"You for real, Colby?" Sam spoke harshly.

"What? I won't drink" I promised, Sam shaking his head.

"Yeah right. As if Logan will let you get away with that"

"Hey. I have freewill ya know" I grumbled back, Sam closing his laptop and setting it on the couch cushion next to him.

"Yeah, freewill that got you fucking arrested and practically ruined your relationship" He whispered harshly.

My eyes rolled, "I'll be fine"

"How do you plan on not drinking?"

I stayed quiet for a second and right as Sam's lips parted to speak again, I beat him to it, "Sober driver!" 

"You? Sober driving?"

"Yeah, and?"

"Really?"

"What?" I questioned, my eyebrows tugging together.

"You know he's going to try and get you to drink"

"And? I won't"

"You can't" Sam reiterated, "You have a law to abide by. You're not supposed to be drinking for a while"

"And I won't. What are you so concerned for?"

"I just don't think we should be testing the limits. Last time you went out drinking with your friends, you woke up in bed with your ex"

"Correction, you woke me up"

"That's worse Colby!" Sam exclaimed.

"Look, we've got like twenty five minutes before we need to leave. Let's just go get ready. I'll be fine" I reminded him, Sam scoffing yet agreeing, the two of us disappearing upstairs to get dressed.

~

"God those are strong!" Logan winced, setting the shot glass against the bar top. "You lucked out" He told me, choking on the drink he just swallowed by coughing, his closed fist hitting his chest as he sputtered, "God, what was in that?"

"Straight tequila" Sam laughed, Logan shaking his head.

"I haven't drank that shit since my first army party. We got so drunk and woke up hungover the next morning, barely able to function for our drills" he chuckled, drinking a chaser.

"Wussing out already?" I teased, Logan scoffing.

"Say the man drinking a Pepsi!"

"Hey, designated driver!" I shook my glass at him, the dark liquid sloshing against the sides a little.

"One drink won't kill you" he teased, turning away to order something else to drink.

"I'm already walking on thin ice with Leighton. I think it's best if I stay sober tonight. But hey, that means you can get as fucked up as you want" I noted, Logan shaking his head, his elbows moving to lean back against the bar.

"I can't hang like I used to. I'm getting old man, and I've got a kid now. Definitely not in my army college days anymore" He snickered, the bartender passing him his drink.

"How is the kid thing going for you guys?" I asked, Logan laughing with a head shake.

"The kid thing? Colby, you also have a kid. You see my niece more than I do" He laughed, my face falling. Has Leighton not told him? "Harpers' been good. I'm definitely nervous of that whole angelic first kid and demonic second kid thing" he chuckled, taking a long sip of his drink.

"The what?" I questioned, catching Sam slinking away from us towards the other end of the bar.

"You know how they say your first kid makes you want a second, and the second kid makes you want to wear a condom for the rest of your life?" He joked, his face falling into a serious mask, his head tilting, "You haven't heard that?" I shook my head, "Oh, shit man" he laughed, his head thrown back, "Good luck" he laughed.

"Is it really that bad?" 

"I mean, that's what they say, but hey, what do I know? I've only got one and that little angel rules my world, I can tell you that much"

"If Gemma's the angelic one, I'm afraid for our next little girl" I nervously chuckled, bringing the straw to my lips as I glanced next to me, Sam and the bartender at the end were talking, Logan's voice bringing my attention back to him.

"It's exciting though, right?" He asked.

"Hm?"

"Having another baby. I mean, Leighton's always been indifferent about kids even when we were little, but I think that has to do with growing up with the twins. Multiples are a lot, and Leighton was used to being the baby for a few years and then here came two others that stole her spotlight... I think that affected her way more than she would lead on. I honestly was a little worried when she told me she was pregnant; for multiple reasons. One, her and Gabe were a mess. I mean, she'll tell you they weren't, but he really wasn't the best to her. Our dad used to make fun of him all the time for his inverted frosted tips as he'd called them, and douchey jersey shore style" He snickered, "But hey, look at you guys now" he motioned towards me, "You guys are engaged, living together, expecting another kid. It's really working out for you guys and I'm happy to call you a brother-in-law, Colby" He raised his drink to me before taking another long sip. "Speaking of, are you guys planning your wedding? Should I be expecting my RSVP plus one in the mail?" he joked, unknowingly digging his knife even deeper into my chest, the twist of his hand causing the air to get knocked out of my lungs, my throat clearing as I took another sip, really wishing this wasn't just a Pepsi.

"We uh— Leighton um— uh, she just.. She has a lot on her plate, you know?" I stuttered, "With everything going on with your mom and uh, having a baby and all that, I think it's um, been put on the back burner a little bit" I slowly spat out, my eyes falling down to my glass as my pointer finger traced the rim of it.

"Ah. So uh, feel free to tell me if I'm crossing a line, but uh, what's the real reason you're not drinking today? Worse case we call an uber" He tossed a small smile towards me, taking another sip of his drink, my eyes drifting back towards Sam, seeing he was sitting by himself at the end of the bar, drinking.

What the hell?

"I just thought it would be in my best interest to stay sober tonight" I shrugged, tugging on my lower lip.

"Hm. Well, whenever you're ready to tell me, I'm open ears" He shot a supportive closed lipped grin.

~

"You smell like straight whiskey" Cynthia laughed, pulling Logan away from her hug.

"You guys went drinking?" Leighton questioned, looking between Logan and I.

"We had fun" Logan grinned, "Well, Sam and I had fun. This one was a party pooper" he nodded towards me, a look of relief washing over Leighton's face, her eyes meeting mine as she mouthed "Thank you" and I sent a curt nod.

The six of us sat in the living room, Leighton showing me her nails.

"I went with shorter rounded ones this time" She showed, "I didn't want much hindrance since I'm pregnant and have a four year old at home" She smiled, "I thought the pink was cute? You know, 'cause we just found out it's a girl" She beamed, holding her nails up so I could see.

"It pops against your tattoo" I noticed, seeing the shadowing in her rose tattoo on the top of her hand pop out more against the delicate pink brushed against her nails.

"Awe thanks" She grinned, looking down at her tattoo, her eyes trailing up the sleeve of her arm. "Should've gotten my toes done, huh?" She teased, wiggling her toes that were covered by a black ankle sock.

My lips parted out of surprise, "All I said is it made your tattoo pop! I don't have a foot fetish!" I laughed, catching everyone else's attention.

"Foot fetish?" Cynthia's nose wrinkled.

"Stop! Leighton Rae!" I hissed, Leighton cackling next to me.

"Oh my god!" She panted, struggling to breath from laughing, "Shit!" She hissed, her hand digging into my thigh as she tried to push herself up off the floor, wobbling a little before landing on her feet and rushing to the bathroom, flipping the group off as we laughed.

"I don't have a foot fetish" I noted, wanting to clear the air before this oh so not fun fact spread.

"Suuurree" Sam expressed, my jaw dropping.

"I don't!"

"Just for Leighton huh?" Kat teased, joining in on their fun.

"No!" I disagreed.

"Ew, that's my baby sister!" Logan fake gagged, Cynthia's nose still wrinkled.

"Yeah, ew Colby" She agreed, my heart starting to pick up in pace.

"I don't! This stems from the last time we were here, remember?" I looked over at Sam, knowing he was in the room.

"What?" his eyes squinted, my own eyes widening.

"Sam! You don't remember that?"

"Sorry, I don't" He shook his head, holding back a grin.

"Oh my god!"

"I can't believe I didn't know you had a foot fetish Colby!" Kat grinned.

"I don't!"

"Whatever you say, Colby" She replied in a sing-song tone, only frustrating me further.

"I don't have a foot fetish! Listen, I'll own up to anything, but a foot fetish is not one" I shook my head, my nose wrinkled as well. 

I saw Leighton come back into view, my finger pointing at her, "You!" I exclaimed, stopping her in her tracks.

"What?"

"Tell them I don't have a foot fetish"

"But you do" She laughed.

Of course she wouldn't help me. She fucking started this.

"I don't!" I declared, Leighton giggling as she sat down between Kat and I. "Leighton" I warned, Leighton biting her lower lip.

"I bet you he likes to kiss her foot before fucking her" Sam muttered to Kat, Logan's eyes widening, matching my own.

"Samuel Golbach!" I hissed, Sam snickering, "I don't have a fucking foot fetish. Oh my god!" I groaned, "I regret saying I ever liked your foot tattoo"

"Are you a toe sucker Colby?" Kat asked, my frustration starting to turn into anger as Leighton's cheeks flushed and Logan's throat cleared, Cynthia snickering to herself.

"For the last time, I don't have a foot fetish"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me" Kat sang Rhianna, my entire body wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

"For the last time, I don't have a foot fetish" I repeated, "Now can we move on? — What are you giggling at? This is your fault" I glared, Leighton giggling to herself, her lip being captured between her teeth as she tried to quiet herself, triggering arousing memories to flash through my brain.

God, not now

"I'm sorry" She apologized, attempting to stop her giggling. "I was just teasing, you know I love you, Colby, it was all fun and games" She smiled, completely oblivious to the three little words that slipped past her lips, stopping my whole world.

I love you

Everyone continued talking as I just stared at her in complete and utter shock.

It's been so long since I've heard those three beautiful words fall from her lips.

She loves me.

I felt like I could cry from pure happiness and utter pain.

She loves me. She finally said she loves me, and she doesn't even know the worst thing I've done to her.

God I can't fucking tell her now, can I?

A smile started to tug at my lips as the sound of her saying I love you played through my brain on repeat, my heart clenching at the idea as my stomach tightened.

"Colby?" Leighton nudged me, bringing me back to the conversation.

"Hm?"

"Logan asked if we were ready to make dinner? You didn't say if you were hungry or not" 

"Oh, um, yeah.. I could go for some food" I hummed, Leighton nodding as Logan and Sam stood up, moving towards the kitchen.

I looked down at Leighton's hand, seeing her engagement ring shine against her beautiful skin and the pink polish of her fingers. Two fingers over on her pointer finger rested the anxiety ring that her thumb loved to spin and the infinity jeweled pendant resting against the dip of her neck, right above where the collar of her shirt rested, daring to show off the sobriety necklace.

She was littered in gifts of my love and affection, dangling those beautiful words right under my nose and she let them slip so casually.

Everything about it felt like a dream.

Her smile and laugh as she said it, the way it sounded and the way my gift of marriage brushed against my thigh.

She loves me.

After everything we've been through, she still loves me.

I leaned in against her, my lips ghosting over her ear as I whispered, "did you mean it?" watching the shiver go down her spine as she turned to look at me, confused.

"Mean what?"

"That you love me" I asked softly, not wanting the rejection to be voiced so publicly.

"What? Of course I love you" She frowned, stating it like it was the most obvious thing ever.

Of course? How was that an "of course"? 

"You do?" I asked softly, hating how my insecurity was dripping off of those two words, Leighton's green eyes moving to look at my blue ones.

"I love you Colby" She repeated, her eyes staying on mine as her hand came up to cup my jaw, her thumb brushing against my cheek, her eyes flickering down to my lips then back up to my eyes before she leaned in and placed her lips on mine, kissing me for the second time in just a few weeks.

My body stayed tense, afraid of melting into the kiss, fear of this entire thing coming back to slap me in the face, only for Leighton to pull away, my eyes opening as the fear kicked in, her eyes still closed as she leaned in again, placing a few sweet pecks against my lips.

"I love you" she murmured against me, her eyes opening, the same twinkle of happiness shining as the night I proposed to her.

I love you

* * * * 

Do we think Colby will ever tell her? 😬

Written on: June 28th, 29th, July 1st, 2nd, 3rd 2023

Published on: July 3rd 2023

Word Count: 7.8k

Part Seventeen

[britswriting]

Devotion (15)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Place your guesses here: Boy or girl? - to my friends who know, zip it lol

*Leighton's POV*

"Do you think this is stupid?" I worried, Colby and I leaving the arts and crafts store with three different bags of supplies, a white canvas under Colby's arm.

"Leighton, I think they'll leave it no matter what we do. They're finding out if our baby is a boy or a girl" 

"I know, I know! I just, I don't want it to be dumb, ya know?"

"It's not dumb Leighton" He eased, slipping the canvas into the back seat, taking the bags from me. "I think everyone will be excited. I don't know why you're so worried"

"I don't know. I just want it all to be perfect. I want Gemma to enjoy it and be excited and I'm nervous as fuck for your parents to be there. I mean, everyone is finding out at the same time that I'm pregnant, and what the gender is. That's a lot to digest in one afternoon"

"I can't believe we're trusting April with this" Colby chuckled, looking over his shoulder as he reversed.

"I know. She was losing her mind last night on the phone, telling me I needed to come to her house immediately so she could tear open this piece of paper. I still can't believe that I could just like, flip it open and see, ya know? Like our baby's gender reveal is sitting in my bag. That's fucking wild"

We arrived at April and Kevin's home, April sprinting out the door before we even had our seatbelts off.

"GIVE ME IT!" She yelled, her hands slapping the window on Colby's side, both of us laughing as we got out, April's eyes wide as she looked between the two of us.

"You're not allowed to look till we're gone! I don't want to hear or see your reaction!" I warned, April glaring.

"You can't do that to me!"

"Yes I can! It's my baby!" I laughed, helping Colby grab the stuff.

"God, you guys weren't kidding when you said you bought a bunch of stuff"

"I had a vision!"

We entered her backyard, Colby filming on his phone as I laid the canvas down, going through the bag, showing April what we got.

"So I thought we could use these" I showed her the balloons, "and like we fill them with paint and then pop them on the canvas? It be like the correct colors or whatever" I showed her the different paints we got, "And I thought about using like tape or something on the canvas and put like Brock or something? Something more personal? I thought we could test it out and if it didn't work, just scrape that all together" I giggled, letting her dig through the supplies we got.

"Tell the camera what we're doing Leighton" Colby spoke up, getting me to look over my shoulder, seeing his phone pointed at me.

"I'm showing April my idea for the gender reveal" I smiled, starting to get giddy at the fact that we'll know soon.

"I can't believe you're having my baby" he teased, a smirk on his face behind the phone.

"Shut up" I laughed, turning back to focus on the project.

~

"God I'm shitting bricks" I let out a breathy laugh, knowing our guests are going to be here soon.

"I just can't believe you got everyone to come. I mean, Colby's family is flying in, and Sam and Kat are coming" Cynthia noted and I nodded, both of us helping April set up the party.

People started trickling into the house, a few questioning why the windows to the back yard were covered, no one questioning why I was wearing a 3XL hoodie that covered my dress, and bump.

Logan and Sam helped my dad get my mom downstairs in her wheelchair, Landon holding the oxygen tank, mixed feelings bouncing around in my chest as she came into my line of sight.

I was happy to see her here, to be involved, to see her... upright, but it also saddened me to see her just look soo.. lifeless? Fragile? Like with one wrong move, it was over.

I felt a hand grasp mine, causing me to jump, our two hands intertwining as I looked over, seeing Colby was next to me, a sympathetic lazy smile on his face as he squeezed my hand, mouthing "You alright?" to which I nodded.

"Do you think Lexi will show?" I asked quietly, watching Gemma and Harper mess around with Landon and Finley.

"I hope so, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Don't let her ruin your day though, okay?" 

I nodded, Gemma running up to us, Colby picking her up, "How is my Gem Gem?" He asked, a big smile shining on her face.

"Good!"

"Yeah? Are you excited for the party? Excited to see your uncles and cousins?" He asked, Gemma nodding, my hand pulling out my phone to take a photo of them.

"Can you smile for me G?" I asked, Gemma grinning, Colby kissing her cheek as I snapped the photo, snapping another when Gemma started to giggle as Colby messed with her, placing endless kisses on her face.

"Stop!" She squealed, wiggling against his grasp, "Coco!"

"What's the magic word?" He asked, Gemma's adorable laughter catching our friends and families attention, the smile on my face growing as my cheeks tightened.

"Peas!" She begged, Colby shaking his head as Harper came over to try and help, jumping up towards Gemma and Colby before tugging on his shirt, demanding that he put Gemma down.

"Say I love you" He demanded, everyone laughing, both of us knowing Gemma was quite the ham for attention.

"I wuv you!" She giggled, Colby flipping her upside down as her tickled her, his arm staying around her stomach, "I can't hear you"

"I LOOOVE YOU COOOCOOO!" She squealed, catching her breath as Colby turned her right side up again, kissing her cheek, "I love you too Gemma" before setting her down, Gemma running over to me.

"Momma!" She panted, "Coco mean!" 

"He can't be that mean if you've got a big smile on your face, bug" I teased, carefully squatting down, praying to god I didn't pee myself. "But if your feelings are hurt, go tell him" I nodded towards Colby who was now talking to Sam, his body slightly tense as his eyebrows furrowed.

I watched Gemma toddle over to Colby, his little finger stabbing him repetitively in his side, catching his attention; his eyes looking down at her as her arms crossed, there quick exchange ending in a hug and a kiss before Gemma ran back over to me; my brain using every ounce of willpower it could find to keep my arms at my side, and not caress my fluttering stomach.

"Momma!"

"Yes, baby?" I answered, this time not crouching, generally afraid of the baby pressing too hard against my bladder.

"Coco say.. say sworry!" She giggled, her face full of pride and glee.

"He did?" I played along, my eyes flickering between my daughter and my fiancé.

"Yes!"

"I'm so proud of you Gemma Lorraine" I smiled down at her, her beautiful little face reminding me far too much of my own.

Her fathers eyes twinkled bright, but her smile shined just like mine and I swore our smiles were identical to my mothers.

I took a deep breath, my hand brushing her baby hairs out of her face before she ran off to go play with Harper; my eyes glancing back over to where Colby was, only to see that he wasn't there anymore. 

"Hey sis" I heard behind me, my head whipping around quicker than I intended, Logan chuckling when I winced, my hand coming out to smack him.

"Stop doing that!"

"I didn't do anything" he laughed, pulling me into a hug, carefully giving me his big brother hug, gasping when I smacked him on the back of the head. "What the hell, Leighton!"

"You're a dick" I laughed, shoving him away from me, "And you can't hit me back because I'm.... pregnant" I whispered, checking to make sure no one was paying attention. "Now stop scaring the shit out of me every time I see you. You're going to make me pee myself" 

"You didn't even jump!" He defended himself, his eyes crinkling as we grinned at each other. 

"I didn't have to jump to still smack you, you're still an asshole"

"I'm your favorite asshole though" he shot back, both of us grimacing at the way it sounded, "You know what—"

"Actually" I heard behind me, a hand sneaking up on my waist, pulling me into their hold, "I'm her favorite asshole" he murmured against my ear.

Logan was flabbergasted, "Now why didn't you smack him?!"

"Because she loves me" Colby smirked, my hand pinching the sink on his waist, Colby jumping slightly, looking down at me, "You're both equally annoying" I grumbled, moving out of his hold, Colby quickly grabbing my hand, keeping me hostage, "Where are you going?"

My eyebrows raised, "The love of your life has to pee" Colby let go of me and I quickened my pace down the hall, locking myself in the bathroom, practically tripping over my own feet in the rush.

"You've got to stop leaning on my bladder, bubs" I quietly griped, still feeling unstratified as my dress fell down against my thighs, the sound of someone knocking getting drowned out by the toilet flushing. "One sec!"

"It's just me" Colby announced, my fingers quickly pushing in the lock, allowing him to twist open the door as I washed my hands, carefully closing the door behind him, locking it again. "You alright?"

"Mhm"

"You've been in here a while"

"What if I had to poop, huh?"

"This is not your pooping bathroom. It's too public" He snickered, my jaw dropping.

"What does that mean!"

"It means if you had to poop you would've gone upstairs" He chuckled.

"I told you I had to pee"

"When would you ever tell me you had to poop?" He asked, passing me the towel.

 "When it's an emergency"

I ignored his stifled laughter, snatching the oversized hoodie off the counter.

"I can't believe we're telling everyone today"

"I know. Do you think your mom is going to hate me more?" 

"She doesn't hate you, Leighton"

"Well she doesn't love me. I don't buy the nice act. I'd place my bet on the fact that this whole buddy buddy thing is for you. I'm pretty sure if you weren't here, she wouldn't be coming"

"Well, you are having my baby, Leigh"

"That's not the point" I huffed, double checking that my bump was hidden, Colby quickly on my trail to the living room, Katrina being the first new face I spotted.

"Hey!" I greeted, attempting to give my best friendly smile, Colby slipping past us back over towards Sam.

"Hey" She smiled, the awkwardness being enough to make me wish I hadn't said anything.

"Thank you for coming" I smiled, my hands hiding in the sleeve of my hoodie, balling the extra material in my palms.

"Anything for Colby" She passed a tight smile, my lips pursing as I nodded.

"Alight, well uh, I should um.." I pointed back towards my family, Katrina nodding.

God that was awkward.

I mingled for a bit, silently hoping the quietness of the children wouldn't end in destruction.

"Leighton, babe, are you ready?" Colby questioned, eyeing down towards my stomach.

"Your parents?" I mouthed, Colby nodding over towards Sam.

I spotted his brother, his brothers' girlfriend and his parents, confusion washing over my face.

Are they ignoring me too, or is that just something my brain is making up out of insecurity?

"Yeah, I'm ready" I sighed, Colby grabbing my hand, leading me towards the patio door, clearing his throat.

"Hey everyone!" he started, the volume of his voice making heads turn, "I just uh, wanted to tell everyone how much Leighton and I appreciate you showing up, especially on such short notice" I nodded, a smile plastered on my face as the nerves ate away at me. "I'm sure you've gathered that this isn't just a get together" He chuckled, a few people following suit, "Leighton and I actually have been meaning to tell you something" he led on, my eyes immediately finding the most supportive faces I could.

My dad, the small smile on his face as memories flooded through of him finding out, and then Cynthia, and the wave of emotion that brought upon me, Logan right next to her... April, how excited she was to do this whole party. To be involved. 

My eyes scanned the room, catching all of my biggest shoulders to lean on, but there was someone missing.

"Leighton?" Colby nudged, my eyes filling with tears as my smile waivered.

"Colby and I are uh.. um, expecting" I stuttered, the tears threatening to fall as I lifted the hoodie, showing off my beautiful baby's bump.

I scanned the rooms as faces lit up, cheers were let out and people began to huddle closer, hurdling a thousand questions to both of us, passing on congratulations and how they expected this to happen, and yet the person I really wanted by my side wasn't here.

I mindlessly answered the due date question, how my pregnancy has been, when we found out and even how both of us reacted to finding out before excusing myself, throwing the hoodie to the side and rushing back off to the bathroom, carefully falling to my knees as I emptied my stomach.

Tears streamed down my face as I exhaled, leaning back against the cabinets, listening to the flush cycle through.

I don't know how long I sat here, messing up my makeup until the lock clicked open, my eyes squeezed shut, not ready for Colby's reprimanding of leaving my own party.

"Hey" A soft voice surprised me, my eyes popping open as streaks of light continued to hinder my vision, "What's wrong? Everyone's excited" She said, taking a seat next to me.

"What are you doing in here? You don't have to do this" I sighed, wiping under my eyes, not wanting Katrina's pity right now.

"I know" She stated, her shoulder brushing against mine.

My eyes rolled, snatching the toilet paper roll in hope of saving some of my makeup and not looking like a girl the morning after.

Kat sighed, "Why are you hiding out?"

"I'm not hiding"

"Oh, so this isn't looking like that time in the bowling alley?" She joked, the room falling quiet.

"I'm alright. You didn't have to check up on me. I know you aren't my biggest fan—"

"I never said that"

"You don't have to Kat, and it's okay. I don't have to be everyone's friend. It's fine, I just, I don't want your pity either. For whatever reason you're here.. you don't have to be" 

I struggled to push myself up, hesitantly accepting Kat's help, the two of us staying silent as we walked back out to the party, Colby's eyes meeting mine, the room having cleared out; everyone in the backyard.

"What's wrong?" He asked and I shrugged, offering a pity smile, stepping into the backyard.

I found my best actress smile, mingling until it became time to find out what April and I have been waiting for only for Colby to pull me away.

"Leighton, why do you look like a beaten puppy? What happened? People are starting to notice, and I know that's not a big deal, but this should be a happy day. We're finding out our baby's gender!—"

"Gender doesn't even mean anything" I grumbled, snatching a cupcake off the table, undoing the wrapping and taking a bite.

"Yes, of course, we will love that baby no matter what, but it helps us figure out a name" He continued.

"We can name it anything" I huffed.

"I'm just going to stay quiet now" He noted, ignoring my glare as I grabbed another cupcake. "Are we just going to angrily eat cupcakes now or can we talk about why you were crying in the bathroom?"

"Is it that obvious?" 

"Your mascara is a little smudged"

"Shit!" I pulled out my phone, fumbling to open my camera, "I look like shit, Colby!"

"You don't look like shit"

"Shut up" I grumbled, shoving my cupcake at him, "Hold this" before scurrying away to fix my makeup.

I wiped off the smudged disaster, carefully reapplying a hopefully even coat only to be met by Colby again.

"Talk to me, please" he begged, "You're always telling me to communicate-" I shot him a glare, "So please, communicate with me, Leighton"

"Not the time. I need to plaster a happy smile on my face and go find out if we're having a mr or misses Brock"

"Please"

"It's not going to fix anything"

"At least tell me what it's about. Is this still about Lexi?" He asked and I shook my head, "Your mom?" he guessed again, my obvious glare making him continue, "Gabe? Come on, Leigh. Tell me"

"It's Aaliyah" I caved.

"Oh"

"Yeah oh" 

"Have you talked to her since you kicked her out?" He asked, throwing away the mascara covered makeup wipes.

"I've tried to. I wanted to apologize for my actions. Make it up to her, yet I got nothing in return and I'm pissed off that she won't talk to me, and It's my fault and I know that. I do. I know I fucked it up and I know that she was right.. but.. did I mess it up this fucking bad? So bad that she won't show up to my gender reveal party? How was that worse than picking me up from jail? I mean, I know we've both had our moments and shit happens, but it's always water under the bridge. It's always been okay after a little while"

"How about we go see her tomorrow? Tell her the good news, let you guys talk? I know it doesn't fix her not being here now, and I'm sorry that her absence is causing you pain and sadness, but don't let one person's grudge hold back your happiness. It's supposed to be a good day, baby. Gemma's going to tell us if it's a girl or a boy and we can go from there. Whether it be the most beautiful unisex name and nursery and upbringing, or the more basic bitch name that they'll get teased for at school.. this is our baby. Our pride and joy. A piece of our family, and I want to share this joyous moment with you. With our friends and family, our daughter. Please, let's just take a deep breath and go enjoy our day, okay?" He suggested, bringing my knuckles up to his chapped lips.

"Okay"

~

"Are you excited, G?" Colby asked, squatting behind her as we handed her the water balloon full of paint, the canvas propped up by a child size easel, a white tarp covering the fence and grass, creating what will hopefully be a stress free clean up. "You know what to do, right? Just throw this at the white board" He pointed, Gemma nodding, giggling as she messed with the water balloon, the small amount of water and paint shaking up in the black balloon.

"Cameras rolling, right?" I called out, knowing Sam was recording and April was taking photos.

"We're rolling!" He called back out and I nodded, shaking the jitters out of my hands.

We're going to know within seconds.

Blue or pink paint in that balloon changes our entire life.

Was it basic bitch colors? Yes. But it was easy, and Gemma knew what it meant, so fuck everyone else. I'll love my baby no matter what it wants to be, no matter if it's got Colby's shitty communication issues, or my crappy drug issues, or our so called gay gene as Colby puts it, this is my baby and whether it's porn with a penis or vagina, it's part of our family-

"Leighton!" Colby's fairly loud voice shook my thoughts.

"What?"

"Ready?"

"Ready" I nodded, grabbing my own paint filled balloon, Sam stood behind the canvas, capturing our reactions as everyone counted down from 10.

10

9

8

7

"I'm so fucking nervous" I muttered, Gemma practically bouncing in front of us.

"I'm excited" Colby grinned.

5

4

3

"Ready G?" He asked, Gemma nodding.

2

1

"Throw at the board, Gemma!" I gave her the green light, all three of us tossing our paint filled water balloons at the white canvas, the water mixing with the paint making it splatter in chaos against the canvas.

"OH MY GOD!" I shrieked, Colby pulling me into a hug, his arms wrapping around my back and before I knew it, my lips were placed on his.

A moment passed before our eyes fluttered open, wide smiles mirroring each other, our eyes holding gaze for a few seconds before Colby picked up Gemma and spun her around.

"It's a girl, Gemma! Can you believe it? You're going to have a baby sister, lovebug! Are you so excited?" Colby cheered, Gemma giggling as she got tossed in the air, my heart dropping to my stomach until his hands swiftly caught her, littering her in kisses.

It's a girl

We're having a baby girl!

Oh my god

OH MY GOD

"Holy shit" I muttered, my eyes wide as a million things began to go through my head.

We're doing this again.

It's Gemma all over again.

It felt like the past 4 years were replaying through my head. The labor and delivery, the late night feedings, the frills and the sparkles, the barbies and baby dolls.

Times two.

We're doing this again.

My eyes found my mothers, and as lifeless as they looked, I swear I could see life within.

She's going to be a grandmother to another baby girl.

She'll have three granddaughters.

Three beautiful bundles of joy to carry on her legacy.

I quickly walked over to her, carefully crouching in front of her as I wrapped my arms around her.

"You're going to be a grandmother to a baby girl again, mom" my voice cracked, tears starting to roll down my cheeks as I pictured introducing my second daughter to my mother. 

Showing my mother her beautiful eyes, her ten fingers and ten toes, the way her chubby cheeks smiled.

"I can't wait for you two to meet" I smiled, swiping the tear off my own mothers cheek.

"Con......grat....ulat........ions...... su......n.....sh....i....ne"  Her slow raspy voice let out, my entire body crumbling beneath my feet.

"Thank you, mom" 

~

I felt guilty for sitting, watching everyone else help clean up, my gaze lingering a little too long on Colby's mom who has yet to talk to me; in fact, his entire family seems to be avoiding me for reasons I was unsure of — quickly looking away when she'd turn around, only to land on Landon who was sitting next to Finn, Gemma and Harper appearing to be showing them something.

Cynthia plopped down next to me, mirroring my position by kicking her feet up, "Hey creeper"

"Creeper?"

"Mhm"

"I'm not a creeper" I pouted, turning my neck to look at her, taking her appearance

How did she look so good in this heat?

Her hair was pulled into a tight bun, her tight curls falling over the top of it, giving this cute messy look; the blue t-shirt popping against her dark skin, the white shorts making me raise a brow.

"Experimenting?" I half jokingly teased, motioning towards the stark white shorts.

"It's called Logan bought me them and I'm being a supportive wife" She replied, ignoring my laugh.

"He tried. Doesn't he know you never wear white pants? I mean, I think you barely own white sundresses" 

"We're being supportive, Leighton" She chuckled, her lips staying in a tight line, threatening to crack into a smile.

"HEY LOGAN!" I yelled across the yard, catching his attention, motioning towards us.

"Leighton!" Cynthia hissed.

I waved her off, watching my older brother make his way over to me.

"What?"

"Your wife? You're the only white she does. Got it?" My eyebrows raised, Logan's face masking confusion, Cynthia gasping.

"Leighton Rae!"

"What is going on? Was that a race joke? From you?" Logan asked, tossing me a weird look.

"Cynthia says she's being supportive by wearing the ugly white shorts you've bought her. I thought I'd save your marriage and let you know that your wife? Doesn't do white"

Logan and Cynthia began to converse about the drama I've stirred up, Cynthia sending me a harsh glare as I excused myself, wandering back over to the snack table that I know Colby and April have ordered no one to clean up.

"Leighton" Colby's dad greeted, nerves making the muscles in my back tense.

"Mr. Brock" I smiled, hoping he bought it and couldn't read me like the worst book ever written.

"Congratulations on your pregnancy. I can't wait to meet the little one" He tossed me a supportive look, my eyes catching Colby's blue ones, seeing he was talking with Gage and Landon, his face full of worry not setting me at ease by a landmine.

What was he so worried about?

Shouldn't he be happy I was talking to his dad?

"You and I both. I can't believe it's a girl. I honestly thought it was going to be a boy. I literally voted for boy on that game my friend set up" I giggled, my hand running over my stomach, feeling another flutter, naturally starting to rock my hips side to side a little bit, knowing the baby settles with movement, praying to god she didn't add more pressure onto my bladder.

"Take it from a Brock boy, who raised Brock boys.. be glad it's a girl" He laughed, my nerves immediately take ease at how lighthearted he was being.

"That bad, huh?"

"These gray hairs? Gage has one half and Cole has the other. Now if you ask Lesa, they're her perfect boys who've never broken a lamp in their day" He chuckled, my eyes flickering back over to Colby, catching him quickly looking away.

"Got room for more gray hairs? Something tells me  it's about to get a lot more messy" I joked, my hand going in a soothing motion over my stomach.

"You've done this before, it'll be alright" He reassured, my head tilting.

"You just told me the Brock genes gave you gray hairs!" I laughed, "Gemma's working on it, but this one is going to have your son's DNA written all over it. I'm going to need all the help I can get"

"Speaking of" shit, now what? "I've heard you guys have been thinking about moving" double shit. Who told them? Colby... "Have you considered Arizona? I'd love to be a lot closer to my granddaughter" Granddaughter? Singular? What about Gemma?

"Sir... Mr. Brock, as much as I'd love to be closer to you guys.." I caught my lower lip between my teeth, slowly releasing it, "I wouldn't want to get hotter than California, and Arizona sounds god awful. I mean, how do you guys survive? I heard that some days you can cook an egg right on your driveway! That sounds like hell. I mean, how don't you cook alive? California is kicking my ass.. er.. butt, as it is. I can't imagine being pregnant in that kind of weather" I rambled, annoyed at myself and Mr. Brock for not having cut me off sooner. 

Colby I swear to god if you don't come save me—

"It's not terrible all the time" He attempted to coax me into an agreement and I quickly excused myself, pulling the I'm pregnant and need to pee card, praying to god I can outwait this conversation in the kitchen.

I walked into the living room, finding Landon sitting on the couch with Nova, his eyes lighting up when he spotted me, calling out "Leighton!" being a much welcomed disaster.

"Hey" I smiled, plopping down next to him, getting a closer look at his face, my jaw dropping, "How the fuck is your liner so even? What the hell?"

"Years of practice" He teased,  my face shifting into a glare of disbelief, Landon stifling his laughter, clearing his throat, "I actually have been meaning to talk to you"

"Oh?" My ears perked, my head tilting as he chewed his lower lip.

"Yeah, I uh.. It's um.. been... somewhat of a long time coming?" He started, visibly swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Well I already know you're gay" I joked, Landon rolling his eyes. "Just spit it out, you know I'll love you no matter what. I didn't think talking to me was so scary"

"It's not scary, I'm just.. nervous of you disapproving" He led on, my eyes squinting.

"Disapproving? Of what? I've already met your boyfriend"

"Yeah... that's the thing" He murmured, struggling to keep eye contact.

"What? Did you guys break up? I thought you said he was busy today" I interrupted, Landon's lip turning white from how hard he was biting it.

"No we're still together" He eased, confusing me.

"Then what?"

"Well.. uh.." He stuttered, my patience growing thin.

"Spit it out Landon Roy"

"I'm in a polyamorous relationship" He quickly slurred, my lips parting out of shock.

"A poly what now?" I gaped, Landon turning white, uncomfortably shifting away from me. "Wait, so you're in an open relationship?" I asked, my head feeling like it was spinning.

Landon quickly shook his head, "No that's different"

"Then you're a what? What's a poly— poly what? What did you say?"

"Polyamorous"

"Polyamorous" I repeated, Landon nodding. "What's that?"

"It's uh.. well, I'll explain from my perspective to make it easier" he explained, myself nodding, allowing him to continue, "So I am dating Xavier" he stated and I nodded, having already knew that, "And I'm also dating Finley" he dropped the biggest bombshell of my life.

My jaw dropped as my throat became dry, my eyes widened, Landon's reddened cheeks flushing white as he nervously licked his lips.

"You're dating Finn? Like.. like best friend Finn? Like Landon, Finley and Molly, the trio that we once knew to basically be added on siblings? That Finn?" I confirmed, feeling like I got slammed into a wall.

Landon nodded slowly and I blinked a few times, struggling to wrap around whatever the fuck he just told me.

"For how long?" I started, figuring I might as well give him the third degree if my brain wasn't going to keep up in speed. Might as well go on autopilot.

Landon hesitated, "It's been.. a while" 

My eyes narrowed, "Define a while" 

"You're how far along?" He asked, my eyes widened again.

"Landon! Oh my god" I scolded, "I'm almost five months" I glared, scared as to where this was going.

"Um... so around... seven months?"

"SEVEN MONTHS?!" I shrieked, Landon wincing. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"I'm sorry" He immediately apologized, his face filling with sorrow as hurt lingered in my chest.

"You've been together for almost a year, and you're just now telling me?!" 

"We uh, wanted to wait-"

"NO SHIT! Seven months is a long time, Landon!"

"I know, I'm sorry" he frowned, my anger beginning to boil.

I thought we were close?

We fucking lived together! How did I miss any sort've signs that he was interested in Finn?!

"We wanted to just test the waters. See if this is really what we wanted... and uh, a few months past, and then I was scared"

"Scared? Scared of what? Of me?" I questioned, my heart feeling heavy when he nodded. "What?" I whispered, "Why?"

"I didn't want to lose you" he confessed.

"Lose me? Lose me, how?"

How could he think that? 

"I didn't want you to judge me? Disagree?... hate me"

"Hate you? Landon, I could never hate you" I reached forward for him, frowning when he yanked his hand back.

"You hate Lexi" he shot back, the creases on my face softening.

"I don't hate her"

"You don't talk to her, and you disagree with her relationship" 

"I disagree with her relationship because of their age gap. It's different when you're older, but when you're so young.. I just.. I don't agree with it"

"You can see why I'd be nervous to tell you I'm poly" He pointed out, my lips pursing.

"I'm sorry I made you think you couldn't tell me" I apologized, hating that he felt the need to hide such a big secret for so long.

Who all knew?

"What's going on in your head?" He asked, surprising me by how mature he sounded.

I always forget he's no longer my annoying twelve year old brother.

"A lot of things" I answered honestly, not even knowing where to start.

"Well, ask away" 

Surprisingly Landon answered every question. He and Braxton broke up because Landon wanted to experiment with being polyamorous; everything slowly starting to piece together at how out of left field their breakup felt. Landon stopped hanging out with Molly as much due to her constantly feeling awkward now that Landon and Finn were in a relationship.

I decided to learn about what being polyamorous meant, Landon explaining that it meant x amount of people were committed to each other like a typical relationship, whereas an open relationship you were able to mess around with anyone. Or at least I think that's what he meant. I don't know, I'm still learning.

"So you're not mad?" He asked quietly and instead of answering I pulled him into a hug.

"I'm not mad. I'm curious and have a shit load of questions, but I'm not mad. Thank you for finally telling me, and I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't just because of how I reacted with Lexi. I love you, Landon"

~

"Leighton, I don't understand why you're so nervous" Colby expressed, holding the door open to a somewhat nice apartment complex.

Clearly Aaliyah had to of gotten have her feet to afford this place.

"Because what if she doesn't want to ever talk to me again? Colby, you don't understand. We're never like this. Even when we're mad at each other, we get over it! It's rare for us to go this long without at least texting each other" 

"Leigh, I understand. Believe it or not, I've known you longer than you're currently giving me credit for" He snickered, my finger jabbing into the elevator button as I tried to calm the nerves in my stomach.

Colby's hand rubbed soothing circles on my lower back as I rang the bell, praying I had the right apartment.

Is she going to slam the door in my face? Will she hear me out? Can we finally patch up this ridiculous tiff we had?

We were met with silence. 

"Do I try again?" I asked softly, my voice dripping in insecurity, Colby shrugging, allowing me to hit the bell again.

I tried knocking, ringing the bell a third and fourth time before giving up.

"Maybe she's not home?" Colby suggested and I sighed, running my hand through my fairly long black hair.

With one final attempt failing, we quietly walked back to our car, no one saying a word until we reached a stoplight near my parents house.

"I'm sorry you didn't get to talk to her" Colby said softly, my head leaning back against the headrest.

"I just, I don't understand, ya know? Like I want to fix this. I want my best friend back. I want to share this with her and I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. Did I really burn our bridge over something so fucking stupid?"

"Leighton, you can't control how other people respond to things. The best you can do is keep trying. Maybe she's busy, maybe she wasn't home?" He rambled off, the feeling of his eyes on me becoming hard to ignore as I kept my gaze held outside the passenger side window. "Leigh?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?" He asked, his hand grabbing mine, getting me to look at him.

"I'll be fine"

"That isn't what I asked"

"I don't want to talk about it because I know it's my fault, and I regret it enough as it is"

"Okay...." he glanced back over at me, our eyes meeting for a few seconds before I looked back out the window, "Have you asked your boss about the trip?"

"I have"

"And?"

"It got approved. Four days off"

"Four days?"

"Don't push your luck Brock, I've got bills to pay" I warned, Colby smirking as he shook his head.

"I wasn't pushing my luck"

"Mhm"

"I wasn't!" He laughed, his smirk growing into a grin when he noticed my face was slipping to keep it's careless posture. "Come on! It's going to be fun, Leigh"

"I know it will be fun. I'm just nervous"

"Well don't be" He teased, my eyes rolling.

"Haven't heard that one before"

"Someone's moody" he hummed, his lips rolling inwards when I glared at him.

"I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm annoyed. I'm hungry and can't have fast food—"

"Why can't you have fast food?" he interrupted, his brows furrowed.

"Because I've had one too many McDonalds milkshakes and then thrown up afterwards"

"Ah. So we're done with the milkshakes? What's your current pregnancy obsession if it isn't hangover food?"

"Pretzels" I chuckled, "And chocolate. Anything chocolate is great"

"Oh!" he quickly opened the center console, blindly digging around before pulling out a small bag of something, "Here! I uh, I don't know how melted they are, but they were once Reeces" he snickered, handing me the orange bag.

I dug one out, seeing they were melted, and then resolidified, and slightly melted again, "How long have these things been in there?"

"I don't know"

"Colby!" I shrieked, laughter following behind my shock, "Were you planning on poisoning me?!" my chest shook from failed attempt of holding back my laugh, tossing the back into the cupholder. "You're going to need to start storing snacks in here if you want me riding with you to the Airbnb" 

"I get the pleasure of you riding with me?" He asked, his gaze lingering as we waited at a stop sign.

"Only if you bring snacks"

"I don't know if I want pregnant Leighton has my copilot" he snickered.

"Hey! You got me pregnant! I don't want to hear your complainants!"

"So I'm thinking we leave two days after Kat's birthday? That way her and Sam can go do their thing, and then we can all start the few hour drive there?" Colby checked in, his head tilting when my lips pursed, "What?"

"We're not doing anything with Kat for her birthday?"

"Baby, I think they want to just do their own thing"

"But you always do stuff with her for her birthday?" 

"We can do a bigger thing at the rental, how about that? Plus, I thought you guys didn't get along? You've made it clear that she isn't your favorite person to hang around, why I invited more people than just her and Sam to come with us"

"I don't hate her, I just... we don't mix well, ya know? We're different in a way that if we didn't have you and Sam forcing us to hang out, we wouldn't really hang out. She was great and all when I was pregnant, and had the baby, but I don't think us on our own works well"

"How is it that you and Sam are like best friends, but you and Kat don't get along?" He chuckled, my eyes lingering on his arms as he turned the wheel, biting my lower lip as I watched his muscles flex a little, doing a somewhat U-turn move.

"It's not that we are at each other's throats, it's just... we don't mix well. We have different interests, different conversations.. I just, I don't think we would make good friends outside of our common interests of you and Sam, or even just Gemma. Nothing against her, we just— It's not like how her and Stas can have sleepovers, and Stas and I can have sleepovers. We can't be alone. It's honestly kind of awkward"

"Alright well, this time around we get the master bedroom instead of them. They can have your little closet nook"

"Hey! I liked my closet nook" I frowned, not understanding what Colby had against my little cozy hobbit hole.

"It has a twin bed in it, Leighton. I don't know how you survived being pregnant in that thing"

"If I remember correctly, you squeezed into that twin bed, in fact, you yanked me out of it—"

"I was quite rough with you, wasn't I?" He chuckled, "You should've told me you were pregnant. I would've gone easier on you"

"I can't believe we're going back" I sighed, astonished that this was really happening again.

"I know. So much has changed since then" he agreed.

"I know, you got me pregnant and put a ring on my finger" I giggled, wiggling my fingers in front of us, the ring twinkling against the sunlight.

"If you like it then you should've put a ring on it!" He began to sing, my hand coming over to cover his mouth, shrieking when he licked me, only to feel another flutter in my stomach.

Every time I feel the baby move, it feels surreal.

There is life growing inside of me, and these little flutters keep proving that.

"Here, hand me your hand" I rushed, Colby sending me a weird look, "Shut up, just give me your hand" 

I placed his hand on my stomach, Colby constantly looking between me, my stomach and the road, "What are you doing?"

"I keep feeling a flutter and I want to know if you can feel it too!" 

"A flutter?"

"Mhm! Remember when Gemma would kick? I don't know if the baby is positioned enough to feel it on the outside of the stomach, but I keep feeling a similar sensation in my tummy. Make me laugh again" I demanded, Colby stifling his laughter.

"I can't just make you laugh on demand"

"Yes you can! Come on, do it. You're not allowed to tickle me!" I warned, not wanting to pee my pants in his car.

"This is a lot of pressure!" He exclaimed, getting me to giggle, but not enough to make my chest shake. "Oh! Remember when we went to Minnesota and I had met your Aunt and Uncle and we had that dance party in the kitchen making those pizzas? I truly thought your uncle was going to disown me" 

"I'm shocked Aunt Ginger didn't disown Melissa" I giggled, memories of dancing with the Rotty's flashing through my mind. "We should go back" I sighed, missing the environment that was my Aunt and Uncle's house. 

"Tell me when to book the flight and we'll go"

"We can't. I have too many responsibilities"

"Leighton, you've got to live a little"

"I am! I am living! This is me living! I can finally get a good job now that I don't have my record over my head. I can possibility go to college"

"You want to go to school?" He questioned, putting the car into park outside my parents house.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, "I've thought about it"

"Really? What would you go to school for?"

"I don't know... I want to do something though, ya know?"

"Is this you wanting to go to school for yourself, or to prove to others that you aren't a fuck up?" He asked, fully turned to look at me.

"You know" I sighed, "I'm learning that doing shit for others is getting me nowhere. I think I want to do this for myself. To feel accomplished. To feel worthy of something"

"Leighton, you're worthy of everything. You've already accomplished so much. If you want to go to school, I'll support you, but you don't need to do this just to add it to a list of accomplishments to show off. You're never going to be truly happy if you don't do it for yourself. Be proud of the list you made to show yourself, not others" He gave my hand a squeeze before taking his keys of the ignition, unclipping his seatbelt and opening the door, only to turn back to look at me, "Plus, I think having two incredible daughters is already such a huge accomplishment" he winked before climbing out of the car and shutting the door, leaving me alone.

Having two kids was an accomplishment, but what about my best friend? My mother? My sister? Having those people by my side as I achieved these things?

What am I going to tell my daughters when they ask what life was like before them? Or when they were growing up? 

That I'm a drug addicted fuck up? That I lost everyone I loved and had to piece it all together, only to repeat it again?

"Leighton? Are you coming?" Colby called out, his voice muffled from the closed car doors.

I nodded, unclipping my own seatbelt and climbing out of the car, shutting the door, allowing him to lock it.

"You alright?" He asked, motioning for me to walk in front of him up the sidewalk and steps. 

I nodded, pulling the storm door open, Colby's hand reaching out to hold it above my head.

"Coco!" Gemma yelled, scooting off the couch and running over to us, Colby happily picking her up.

Having two incredible daughters is already an accomplishment... Right?

* * * * 

This was supposed to be out days ago but I was preoccupied having a birthday and seeing Taylor Swift lol I apologize 

I also apologize for it being another girl, but it was already written into the storyline when I realized how annoying that kind of is... 

My next Colby book he will have a son, I promise lol it's already planned - I kind of always write kids into my books if you can't tell lol

Lastly, did anyone suspect Landon's secret??? 

Written on: June 12th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 26th, 27th, 28th 2023

Published on: June 28th 2023

Word Count: 7449

Part Sixteen

[britswriting]

Desire (30)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Half ass edited because it's 1am and I'm tired lol sorry

T/W: Body shaming 

*Leighton's POV*

Being homesick was a familiar feeling. I felt it all the time when we first moved to California, but this time was different.

I wasn't missing a place. I was missing a person. My baby to be exact.

Something that was both helping and hindering that feeling was my new ink work. Right under my left collarbone near my shoulder I had "Gemma" in a fancy lowercase font with a pretty simple tiara above the last a, slightly crooked. I almost felt like it worked out perfectly. That now I'd have her with me everywhere I went, even if I did miss her physical touch.

She was becoming my little girl in an emotional way, and to be honest I did cry this morning over it. 

I never thought I'd miss her, but in the 6 months she's been alive, she's starting to mean the world to me. She's my child. Someone I love and adore. Even her 3am wake up calls don't bug me anymore and I'm able to push them to the point where I miss them whilst I'm in Italy.

Something that hit me like a ton of bricks was that my birthday was in two days, and I couldn't help but feel sad. My baby wasn't going to be with me for my birthday and honestly it wasn't something I knew I wanted. I almost wished I had brought her on the trip, or had just stayed back in general. 

I'm learning that dumb things mean a lot to me. Things like her being alive for my birthday for the first time felt like a milestone. There was a lot more to celebrate than just me, I wanted to celebrate her. 

I ended up having a pretty hard cry session to Sam last night about how Gemma didn't need me anymore after he said that she would be okay and that there was always next year. 

I just felt like they didn't get it.

Every time I talked to Gabe, he said everything was going fine and to be honest, it hurt. She was so clingy and whiny when I left and now she's magically fine? He did say her first tooth popped which of course added to my sadness and my aunt had sent me a video of Gemma on her knees, rocking a bit, sharing the excitement of her getting closer to crawling. I had so many emotions about this trip. I was missing so much. I never thought about how much could happen in just a week, but my sweet little girl not only has her first tooth, but is even closer to crawling, and I was missing it. 

Colby reminded me about all the firsts that I got to experience, and how now this is one Gabe has. Even if it was sad, I still got to experience so many firsts that her father didn't but it didn't take away the guilt I felt for not witnessing it first hand. 

We were now on our way to my grandparents house and I felt like my anxiety was making my skin crawl. 

"It's so pretty" Kat admired, a look of awe on her face as we got closer to my grandparents home.

"How are we feeling Leigh?" Sam asked, turning to look back at me. "Look familiar?"

I was quiet, looking out the window trying to spot anything that looked familiar. A building. A road. A tree. Anything. I was grasping straws here, and yet nothing. I shook my head, gnawing on my lower lip, my eyes locked on the scenery passing by.

"We're almost there Leigh" Colby informed me and I could feel the desperation in my chest.

Please look familiar. I silently prayed.

"It should be the third house on our left" Sam told Colby, Kat's phone in my face pulling me out of my thoughts. 

Kat's been trying to have me help her pick which photos were Instagram post worthy; claiming she wanted a girl's opinion. I don't even have an Instagram, I don't know why she's asking me. I knew absolutely nothing about the algorithm and what photos looked better and would prefer better.

The three of them were trying to make it seem like they were still in California and thankfully due to them not posting anything, no one has recognized us. The boys wanted the Italy videos to be a surprise, so the first part of the trip they were filming and the second half of the trip was considered our vacation.

Sam and Colby had been filming and saving Instagram Stories to post whilst we were away, dumb things like motivation videos, them doing a puzzle with Kat, random videos of them with their friends and even a few photos about them editing. They wanted no one to think they were out of the country and the extent they went to keep this a secret was bewildering.

We turned around the corner, entering a long dirt road. It felt a little familiar but things definitely looked different.

Kat was the first to speak up, her eyes captivated by the scenery in front of us, "This neighborhood looks cute" 

I'm glad they were excited, because I felt like I could be sick. There was something that didn't feel right. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Everything just felt unsettled and tense.

"You ready Leigh?" Colby asked, the car doors unlocking, Sam and Kat stepping out.

I didn't respond as I stepped out, Colby and I met at the side of the car, his hand on the small of my back.

"Ladies first" Sam said, motioning for us to walk.

I took a deep breath before walking on the cobblestone pathway. I knocked on the door, my hands shaking with jitters.

It's been so long.

The door opened and I held my breath, Colby's hand squeezing my hip softly. 

"Leighton?" 

Shit.

"Emma?"

"What are you doing here?' She asked, and I ignored her, "Is my grandmother here?" I asked, resisting every urge in my body telling me to turn around and leave.

"Yeah, come in" She let us in, her eyes locking on the three stooges behind me.

"Shoes" I muttered to them, slipping mine off. "Mormor will kick our pale asses if she catches us tracking dirt through her house"

Colby was kicking his shoes off as he leaned closer to me, muttering "Whose Emma?" 

"Uh..-" I stalled, not really wanting to talk about it.

I couldn't even try to finish my sentence before her voice filled my ears again, my spine cringing "So, who are your friends?" she asked.

Is it too late to leave?

"Um, this is Sam, Kat and Colby" I introduced, gesturing to them individually.

Before Emma could pipe up, my grandmother peaked around the corner, a smile on her face.

"Leigh!" She grinned, a thick Italian accent making itself known.

"Hi Mormor" I smiled, Mormor pulling me into a hug.

"I've missed you" She replied in Italian and I was very thankful that I remembered quite a bit. 

Especially because Nonno speaks a lot of Italian, it was his preference, so if I didn't know jack shit this visit would be very hard.

"I've missed you too" I replied back in Italian, her tight hold keeping me close.

We eventually separated and she started rambling about what it's been like since I was here last, not even letting me get a word in edgewise.

I peeked behind me at my friends who seemed confused due to how fast she was talking in another language. To be fair, I was also lost.

"Happy?" Colby asked in my ear, checking in.

I nodded slowly, wanting so desperately to grab his hand, but I wasn't prepared for any invasive questions yet.

"I've made Kladdkaka" Mormor announced in English this time, showing off her dessert on the kitchen counter.

"What's that?" Sam asked me and I grinned, excited over the desert.

"It's like a sticky gooey chocolate cake. I think we call it mud cake? Mormor would make it every time we'd visit. It was my favorite thing!" I grinned, Mormor nodding in agreement.

"She'd have so much chocolate covering her face" She smiled, reminiscing on when I was younger. 

"Logan, Landon and I would be chocolate cake monsters whereas Lexi ate it so daintily! Then she'd throw a fit when we ate it all before she could get a second serving" I laughed, the memories playing through my head like it happened yesterday.

"Is that why Lexi shoves food into her face so fast?" Colby asked, snickering and I grinned, nodding.

"Snooze you lose!" I exclaimed, Mormor shaking her head at me.

Mormor looked over at me, glancing between the boys before asking, "So which one is the boyfriend?", making me laugh.

Does Sam really look like he could be my boyfriend? Love you Sam, but like.... I can't imagine doing anything but hugging you. If anything, I'd consider him a good friend and I owe a lot to him, but dating him? That feels too far, even if he wasn't with Kat.

I don't even bother correcting her that we weren't officially dating. It mattered to us, not my grandparents.

Colby raised his hand so his elbow was at a 90 degree angle, doing a slight wave, catching her attention.

I noticed the surprise look on Emma's face and I couldn't help but feel cocky about it.

That's right bitch, this hot guy is mine

Mormor immediately stuck her finger his face, ranting in Italian about how if he ever hurt me there would be hell to pay, thankfully, Colby didn't understand her and gave me a "what the fuck" look when she pulled him into a hug, her small frame being swallowed by his broad one.

I grinned and gave him two thumbs up, trying not to laugh at the bewilderment on his face.

"Mormor, this is Sam and Kat, Sam is Katrina's boyfriend, and Colby's best friend" I introduced, wanting to clear up the air before she made some dumb remark towards them. 

Mormor gave us all a house tour, Emma trailing behind Colby and I.

Why was she still here?

I could tell Colby wanted to slip inside one of the empty guest rooms and grill me on who Emma was.

Around dinner time, Nonno walked out into the back garden where we were all hanging out after having done a quick photoshoot near Mormor's flower garden.

"Miss Leighton Rae?" Nonno called out, the door shutting behind him. I quickly got up to hug him, my sweater tugging up a little at the stretch.

When I put on the thin knit sweater this morning Colby immediately asked me what was wrong with me. It was really hot today, but I explained that Nonno didn't like tattoos, so I covered mine; to which Colby looked concerned, motioning towards his tattooed covered arm. It wasn't that he hated all tattoos, he just didn't like them on people that he considered his children. To him I was still that same little girl he saw last. I still held innocence in his eyes.

I introduced everyone, Nonno staring Colby down like he was a starved animal. I watched Colby literally gulp, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down out of nerves.

I sighed at their interaction, walking over to stand next to Colby, resting my hand in the back pocket of his jeans, Colby jumped and then glared at me. I frowned when my hand got removed from his pocket, Colby following Sam and Kat inside for dinner.

I just wanted to comfort him and reassure him, but I guess that wasn't allowed.

I rolled my eyes out of annoyance, trailing behind Colby. It's not like Nonno had x-ray vision and could see my hand. Dinner was nice, Mormor made Kroppkakor and it was actually really good. Katrina seemed suspicious of it, but once Sam and Colby ate it she tried it when Mormor wasn't looking which made me giggle.

I tried to help clean the kitchen but Mormor quite literally smacked me with her broom, kicking the four of us out of her house after Emma suggested we go on a late night stroll.

Why was Emma still fucking here? This was not in the fine print of this trip. I want to fucking leave, or better yet, shove her down a damn well.

Good riddance bitch.

The four of us were strolling down the cobblestone path, passing houses as we went. My hand was intertwined in Colby, my head resting on his shoulder as I asked quietly if he was having a good time.

"I am, are you?" He asked and I shrugged, Colby giving me a weird look.

"Why aren't you-" He stopped, Emma interrupting him. "So Leigh, how'd you land a guy like him?" She asked a snarky tone to her question.

I pursed my lips, wanting so badly to deck her in the face.

"I think you mean how did I land someone like her" Colby corrected, my ears warming up as I hid my face against his bicep, smiling like a fool.

I felt his lips press a soft kiss against the side of my head, his hand squeezing mine simultaneously.

"I just mean, you're objectively hot, and she's well-" Emma started, but Colby was quick to interrupt her.

"I'd choose your words very carefully Emma" He warned, Emma's eyes widening a little, her lips parted out of surprise.

"Leigh doesn't mind. She's always been chubby" Emma finished, my jaw clenching.

Can I fucking punch her now?

"Yeah well at least I don't smell like road kill" I grumbled, pushing myself off of Colby and quickening my pace, my shoulder hitting Emma's, her body wobbling.

"What the hell Leighton!" She shouted, almost falling.

"Eat dirt bitch!" I yelled back, catching Sam and Kat's attention.

"Woah, what's going on?" Sam asked, but I ignored him and tried to walk even faster away from Emma.

She was not ruining my day. I need to get away from her.

I could hear someone's footsteps behind me, a hand grabbing my bicep, stopping me in my tracks.

Colby.

"Hey, it's okay. Remember how you said you wanted to react and respond differently? Please don't run away. She's not worth it" he reminded, guilt filling my chest.

"But she's a fucking cunt" I hissed, Colby surprised by my choice of words.

"But that doesn't mean you need to stoop as low. You know I love you and your body. You're perfect to me. Don't let her insecurities ruin your confidence" He told me softly, his hand now reaching for mine.

I stayed quiet, my veins still boiling with anger. I took a deep breath, wanting to change how I reacted to things.

I looked up with teary eyes, Colby's soft and concerned facial features staring right back at me.

"Don't cry Leigh, she's not worth it. You actually put on makeup today, is she really worth the black mascara smudges?" he asked, a small laugh leaving my lips.

"You're such a dork" I giggled, Colby's lips tugging upwards.

"But I'm your dork" 

"And you ruined it" I groaned, Colby grinning as he pulled me into a hug, his arms wrapping around my waist before sliding down my back and squeezing my ass. 

"Your body is perfect. Don't let some bitchy girl you rarely see get in your head. If she wants to stay in the High School mindset, that's her problem. Show her what it's like to be a grown and mature adult. Kill her with kindness"

"Can I just kill her point blank instead?" I asked with hopeful eyes, Colby shaking his head at me,  his nose letting out a breath of air like he had laughed.

"We have a beautiful daughter to get home to, I can't have you stuck in an Italian prison. Why do you hate each other so much anyway?" 

"I don't want to talk about it right now" I admitted, Colby nodding, his hand intertwining in mine as we heard footsteps behind us.

"Are we ready to head back?" Sam asked and I nodded, thankful he wasn't asking a million questions right now.

The walk back was quiet. There were small murmurs but no one really said anything. I think the part that shocked me the most was even Emma stayed quiet and seemed like she felt uncomfortable. 

I was standing in the bathroom getting ready for bed, my pump attached to my chest when there was a knock on the door.

"Leigh, it's me" I heard Colby announce, so I unlocked the door and stood off to the side.

He chuckled, his eyes locking on my body as I moved away from the door "Are you pumping whilst brushing your teeth?" 

"Mhm" I mumbled, Colby shutting the door behind us.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"Mm-mm" I shook my head, carefully leaning over to spit out the toothpaste. "It weighs down my boobs a bit, but I wouldn't say it hurts" I elaborated, moving so Colby could prep his toothbrush. "It's still weird to pump whilst she isn't here. Pouring it down the drain sucks. I thought about seeing if I could donate it or something, but it's quite the hassle, especially because we're out of the country" 

Colby locked eyes with me in the mirror asking, "Does it still hold bad memories for you?" to which I nodded.

"I don't think pouring breast milk out will ever not trigger that memory. I mean, I'm not crying over it anymore. It's just like a quick flash in my head every time I watch it go down the drain"

"I never got why it was such a big deal" he shrugged, but I could tell he didn't mean any harm by the statement.

"Well pumping isn't always easy. Your body produces this milk for the baby and then you pump it to save and or give to said child, when you just end up pouring it down the drain. It just... feels wasteful. Not everyone can easily do it. I don't know, it's hard to explain" I sighed, wiping my makeup removal wipe across my face.

"Do you care if I strip and change here?" I questioned, reaching for my clothes off the counter.

He shook his head, too preoccupied by his toothbrush to respond.

I stood in a bra and underwear as I grabbed my shorts, tugging them up my legs. "You've been wearing a thong all day and you didn't think to tell me?" He asked, catching my attention.

I couldn't help but snicker as I slid the band up to my hips, slightly covering my belly button.

"I didn't know I needed to tell you what underwear I was wearing"

"Turn around" He said, making a spin motion with his pointer finger.

"Excuse me?"

"Leigh, turn" 

I rolled my eyes and turned 180 degrees, my back facing him.

"Can I turn back now?" I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

"No, I'm admiring the view" he replied and I scoffed, turning back around and grabbing my baggy t-shirt.

"Hey!" He exclaimed as I tugged my shirt over my head.

"Shut up" I laughed, my arms reaching behind me to unclasp my bra. "Think fast" I called out, chucking it at his chest.

"Jesus" he laughed, the bra dropping to the floor. "Hell no, I can't" He immediately declared, confusing me. "You cannot lay in bed with me in a black thong with no bra" 

I snickered, shaking my head at him.

"Who said we were sharing a bed? I'm still Nonno's little girl"

"As if you weren't on your knees for me the other night" He scoffed, my cheeks heating up.

"Shut up!" 

"I'll happily return the favor" He chimed up when I squatted to grab my bra off the floor. "Oh you can just get on your knees again, damn" he said, his eyes wide at my crouched position.

I rolled my eyes, my face eye level with his crotch. Before either of us could react, I for some reason leaned forward, pressing my lips in a soft kiss against his clothed crotch before getting up, Colby's jaw dropped.

"Leighton Rae Fox!" 

I giggled, winking before exiting the bathroom.

I plugged my phone in, going through my texts when the bedroom door opened, Colby walking in and softly shutting it behind him.

"You're so going to hell for that"

"It's not like I gave you a half ass blowjob" 

"Might as well have" he grumbled, making me snicker.

"You mad baby?" I cooed, Colby glaring at me.

"You can't just press your lips against my crotch after informing me that you're in a black thong and no bra and then leave!"

"Uh... I think I just did?" 

"You're so annoying"

"That is not what you were saying when I had your cocked shoved down my throat" I eyed him, my eyebrows raised.

"See, annoying" He laughed, shaking his head in disbelief at me.

I pat the mattress next to me,"C'mere you big baby"

"I'm not a baby, you're a baby"

"How am I a baby?"

"You are what you give birth to" He shot back and I gave him a weird look.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I laugh, Colby tugging his shirt over his head.

"It means my cock is hard and we can't do anything about it" He replied back in an annoyed tone, climbing into bed with me.

"M'sorry" I slurred, pouting at him. "Your life is so hard"

"Shut up" he laughed, his head hitting his pillow.

"Mmmm no. I like hearing my own voice" 

"Noted" he sighed, tugging at the comforter.

I sighed, looking down at him. "If I knew you were gonna be mad, I wouldn't have changed in front of you. I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal"

"It wasn't a big deal"

"Well you're acting kind of pissy so.." I trail off, my lips pursed as I look down at him.

"I'm not pissy, I'm just turned on and I can't do anything about it. It's not exactly easy going to bed with a boner Leigh"

"I'm sorry"

"No you're not"

"I am"

"Yeah, you look real sorry"

"Do you want me to kiss it all better?" I teased, Colby glaring at me.

"Fuck off"

I laughed loudly, my hand quickly covering my mouth as I muffled the noise.

"Glad you find my pain hilarious"

Colby closed his eyes and I shifted to my knees, propping myself over his thighs before sitting down towards his knees. His eyes snapped open.

"What are you doing?"

"Saying sorry" I murmured, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss against his parted lips.

"Leighton, we can't" He protested, but I kissed down his jaw and up his neck. "Leighton, I can't do this. Not in your grandparents home"

"I've always wanted to have sex in Italy" I mumbled against his sweet kiss, a small groan leaving his lips.

"We can't have sex, I don't have condoms and you aren't on birth control"

"That doesn't mean I still can't have your cum run down my hand" I replied, my voice muffled against his skin.

"Leigh" he groaned, his hips rocking up a bit making me snicker.

"All you have to do is be quiet for me and they'll never know. Don't you want a sweet release?" I asked, slightly teasing him as I lifted my head out of his neck.

"God, Leigh, no" he shook his head and I frowned.

"Are you being serious or are you just saying that because you don't want them finding out? Is your no as hard as your cock?" I asked, Colby's cheeks tightening as he broke out into a laugh.

"I hate you" He laughed, his eyes closed with a smile on his face.

He looked beautiful.

"I wish I could take a picture right now" I murmured aloud, my phone sadly out of reach.

"Mm, why's that" he hummed, his eyes opening as I shifted higher up on his lap.

"Ya look pretty. Wanted to capture it"

"I'm not pretty" 

"The prettiest" I hummed, leaning forward to kiss him again.

"You're mistaken" he protested and I giggled, pulling away so my face was hovering above his, my hair falling down my shoulders and around our faces.

"You're aesthetically pleasing, is that better?" I asked and he grinned, nodding.

"You're being mushy though!" He whined, "I'm very manly" Colby declared, puffing his chest out before letting it deflate, not being able to control the held back laugh.

"Mhm, so manly. So big and strong! My big protector" I hummed in approval, teasing him.

"You know, you could lose the sarcasm"

"Where's the fun in that?"

"I don't know. making your boyfriend happy?" He cocked an eyebrow and I grinned, pursing my lips in an attempt not to fully smile at him.

"You like that word don't you. I can see you testing it out in that big head of yours. Mormor really got that nine letter word on replay in your brain didn't she"

"Sounds nice don't you think?" He asked, his hands resting on my ass, but surprisingly not squeezing.

"The title comes with a lot of commitment and expectation you know" I reminded, not sure if we were really ready for that step.

"I know, do you think I can't handle it?" Colby asked, his tone sounding like he was offended, his brow furrowed as his hands moved back up to my waist.

I frowned, trying to choose my words carefully.

"It's not that I think you can't handle it.. it's just.. your track record isn't the best" I defended, and I watched his lips part, ready to fight back, so I quickly spoke up again before it created an argument. "I just don't want to have high expectations knowing that we both have a back track record" I explained further, trying to place part of the blame on me.

"So what you're saying is you think I'm going to be a bad boyfriend" he argued anyway and I groaned, rolling off of him and laying on the bed beside him.

I let out an exhale of tired frustration before speaking, my eyes locked on the ceiling above us "I don't want to argue Colby. If this was a black and white conversation, the answer would be yes. I'm afraid of you being a bad boyfriend and me being a bad girlfriend. Of us being incompatible. You became a shitty friend when you were in your last relationship and I don't even remember what happened with that coffee shop girl... and It's not like I have the best track record with my last two.. I just don't want to jump into it too fast. I thought we were on the same page?"

"We're already acting like a couple, Leighton! I don't understand why you're so against it" He continued, sitting up in bed.

I really didn't want to argue over something so stupid, yet again.

Maybe it wasn't stupid to him though. Maybe this meant something...

"Why do you want the boyfriend label so bad?" I decided to ask, my neck turning to look up at him. "Sam said you didn't like labels. That you liked to mess around. You liked to hang out with people, so why is this different?  — Don't say I'm different. That's cliché as fuck. I told you I wasn't ready, and you seemed okay with that.. so why now?"

"I want more Leighton" He stated bluntly, his face showing zero emotion as he stared straight ahead at the bedroom door.

"More what?" I pushed, confused as to where his head was at.

"I want more! I want more from you, I want more from this relationship! I want more on social media! It's tiring to play a role without any of the credit! I've been by your side for almost a year now, I want more! I may have been a dick in the past, but I'm changing! — or I'm trying to! I'm trying to be better! I'm trying to be better for you! You have this idea in your fucking head that life is going to be perfect, that we won't fuck up! That's not how it works! We make mistakes! Why can't you try me Leighton? I put so much into this when you relapsed, I even watched your fucking baby, and you can't give me the decency to give me the benefit of the doubt with a relationship? Leigh if we're a lost cause just say it! Don't string me along! If you can't do this, or don't want to, then don't! It's as simple as that!" Colby snapped, hitting his breaking point.

"I didn't say we were a lost cause! I'm just nervous! There is a lot to think about Colby! First thing first, I don't want to fuck up Gemma's relationship with you! Even if we lived happily ever after... it's just.. Colby.. She's our little girl. I don't want to ruin that. It's not just her losing you, it's her losing Sam and Kat too! Maybe you're too far in your own world to realize that your friends leave when you do, but I don't want that for Gemma! She loves you guys, and I love that she is surrounded by people who care so much for her! I didn't have that! I've never had people want to be there for me just because I'm me! There was always a motive behind it! So yes Colby, I'm fucking scared! If we fuck up and we things over, she loses everyone she's ever known, and don't you dare try and tell me differently! When you wanted space, you didn't want Sam or Kat to contact me either! If you want me to play the villain in your story, then fine, but I'll be damned if Gemma becomes the victim!"

"I'm trying Colby" I spoke softly, tears prickling in my eyes, blurring my vision.

"It's never enough" He confessed, stopping in front of me, his blurred face being the only thing I could look at.

"I don't know what you want" I replied in broken breaths, struggling to speak through the formed lump in my throat.

"Leigh, I want you to be selfish. Put you first! Stop worrying about things that we don't even know are going to happen"

"I'm trying!" I whined, "You don't understand the weight put on your shoulders the second you have to think about your child! I'm trying so fucking hard to be better for her! To not be some washed up mother... it's hard and it's scary! Just because we don't share the same demons doesn't mean you get to invalidate mine! If you want a easier relationship, go find someone else!"

"I don't want someone else, Leighton! That's the fucking problem!" 

"I don't know how to make this better" I admitted, my voice quiet as I tried not to cry.

"I don't know either" Colby breathed out, his arms crossed over his chest, inhaling a deep breath through his nose.

"I don't understand why it's me you're so gung ho about" I muttered, looking down at my nails, my eyes catching the anxiety ring he had gotten me a year ago. "I can't help but feel like you all just want Gemma. That if I didn't have her, all of this wouldn't be here" I motioned to the room, Colby's brows scrunching together as I spoke. 

"You really think we don't care about you?" Colby asked, sadness laced throughout his tone.

"Colby, you found out I was pregnant... and your opinion about me changed completely. You went from hating me, to wanting to be involved. The second you knew I was going to have a baby, you, just like Sam, were overly invested. It was great at the time, I needed all the help I could get..  but it's never changed. You have this protection over her like you think you deserve something. Like she's some sort of trophy for you. I'm not in your life to be a surrogate to some fucked up fantasy you have. None of you ever want to hang out with me. Get to know me..." I trailed off, my chest tightening as I started to confess my deepest insecure thoughts. 

"What are you even talking about? We literally go out and talk! We did for months!" He pointed out, his arm extended out towards me, his palm facing the ceiling as his eyebrows were raised, a scowl on his face.

"You can't tell me it's wrong for me to think that without G, this wouldn't be here. You'd still be hating me, Sam and Kat more than likely wouldn't care as much... I'd be another shitty roommate you guys hated. Sam literally defended me to you because he knew I was pregnant! So many of his actions were because he knew my big secret, and the second you found out, it's like I don't exist to him! He used to be my go to person, and now it's rare if we sit down together and talk about our weekend plans. He was the person I originally was going to have be in my labor and delivery room. My whole relationship with you guys was surrounded by Gemma! Kat and I bonded over me being pregnant, and her being the only one who knew. I owe a lot to you guys, I know that.. hell, without Sam, I don't even know if Gemma would be here... but Colby, you have to understand where I'm coming from. How am I supposed to let down these walls, when no one is trying to break them down? You just get mad at me when I don't agree with you, and whenever I explain, you basically say my feelings are bullshit and that I need to just shut up and look pretty. We barely have similar interests, we bond over fast food and my baby. That's not enough for a relationship! What you want" I pointed at him, "and what I want" I pointed at myself, "are two completely different things!" I crossed my pointer fingers before pushing them in opposite directions, exclaiming my feelings to him. I let out a shaky breath, Colby staying silent as I ranted, "Tell me Colby, what is something we have in common? Something we can bond over?" I asked, my chest shaking as I tried to control my breathing, my eyes threatening to let the tears fall.

"Leighton, that's not the point-" He began and I swear my brain was going to explode.

"Yes it is! We don't have to share everything, but we need things we like to do together! My child and fast food isn't enough!"

"That's not fair Leigh! You don't even know what you like to do!" 

"You've never asked!" I pointed at him, my finger shaking.

"You like painting! That's it!" He exclaimed, trying to make a point out of his frustration, his chest puffed out, and his jaw clenched.

"Is that all you remember?" I asked quietly, swiping a tear away.

"What do you mean? That's all you've shown me!"

I frown, my nails picking at the once perfectly coated polish.

"I like cooking Colby. I'm not good at it, but I have good memories attached to it. I like watching trash TV. I know that's lame.. but it's something Aaliyah and I do together. We still do, not that you'd know. I like hiking. I used to do it all the time with Logan's ex. I just hate going alone, and it wasn't fun when I was pregnant. I like being in nature. I like road trips. I like getting in the car and just exploring. I like being spontaneous. Gabe and I bonded that way in High School. Recently I've loved taking Gemma on walks in her stroller. She gets so excited over nature.. I'm learning to bake. After all, it is where I work. I love to hang out with my family. I used to love making forts with Logan, and scaring the shit out of Landon and Lexi. I loved to get my nails done with Cynthia when I could afford it. I hate Halloween movies, and Aaliyah used to get mad at me because I wouldn't watch them with her and River was usually busy, so she was stuck watching Christmas movies with me, bitching to me about how it was too early for Christmas movies. I like going out. I'd like to go to like a bar and grill in High School and drink fancy fruity nonalcoholic drinks and play games. It was really fun. We'd play card games or board games.. I miss it. Bars hold bad memories now" I paused, my eyes glancing up at Colby, surprised I haven't been interrupted yet.

When I looked over at him, there was a deep sadness on his face, his cheeks and nose slightly red.

"I've uh.. been thinking about getting into knitting or crocheting.. I thought it would be fun to make like a baby blanket or something. Some sort of keepsake I guess..." I confessed, my hand running over the comforter. "There are things I like to do... that don't involve the baby. Even if she was brought along or did them with me... they're still things I like to do before she got here.. not that any of you cared to ask" I shrugged, leaning back against the pillow, defeat taking all the energy from my body.

"What do you know about me?" Colby asked quietly.

"Um, I know that you love that Kingdom Hearts game. It's why you got that tattoo. You said the game was life changing or whatever. I uh.. I thought about buying it to play it.. I just.. I don't really have the extra cash for it at the moment. I know how passion-ly you feel about your YouTube career. How much it means to you. Like you said, you wished I cared more about ghosts.. but I just.. I can't get into it. One thing I think is cool is witches. I know you guys have talked a bit about them, but I think they're cool. I think the history of them is cool. Anyway, I know you don't like cooking, so you tend to meal prep or order take out. You used to like Tender Greens and Chick-Fil-A. You love going on late night walks before bed. You said it calmed you down and helped you relax for the night. You're extremely competitive in Mario Kart, something you and Stas bond over. I know that your preference of pizza is pepperoni and that you and Sam liked doing pizza night at your place with your friends. It was a way to keep in touch with everyone. I always felt guilty that I couldn't join. I couldn't eat the pizza or drink or hang.. I feel like that part of my pregnancy contributed to our bonding and a reason it was so hard" I confessed, Colby's lips pinched between his two fingers. "I know that in sex you like the be the dominant one. You mentioned liking to use handcuffs and such.." I mentioned, twisting my anxiety ring. 

"And you don't because it reminds you of going to jail" Colby finished, his voice quiet, and I nodded, surprised he remembered.

"Yeah.." I agreed, trailing off as I exhaled, looking away from him.

"I forgot you liked hiking" He said, his voice still soft and somber as I shrugged. "When you knew me, I was pregnant, and I hated it. It's fine" I shrugged again.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, memories coming back to me, "You hate pickles and you thought my ham and cream cheese thing was nasty!" I laugh, tears falling down my face as I smiled at him, "And.. and you used to have panic attacks! 'Cause you helped me with mine" I continued, wiping my tears away.

"Fuck" I heard him exhale, my eyes watching him lean against the dresser, the palms of his hands resting on the top of the dresser behind him. "I'm sorry Leighton" he apologized, but yet again, I shrugged, brushing it off. "No. I mean that. I've been shitty to you. I can't even remember simple things!"

"It's okay.. I was never really your focus anyway" I replied back quietly, the scary truth being spoken into existence. "It's okay to keep me close because you're afraid to lose Gemma.. I just think we need to stop lying to ourselves. Clearly this isn't working. It never has.."

"But I really want it to" Colby said, his cheeks puffing out as he blew out stressed air.

"It's not good to force things.. it'll only make things worse" I replied softly, the whole mood in the room changing drastically.

"I'm afraid to walk away" He confessed under his breath, my ears barely catching the secretive confession.

"Why?" I questioned, my head tilted out of curiosity.

"Because the last time I left, you relapsed" he spoke the harsh words in a soft tone, my chest tightening at his words.

"Things are different now Colby. I'm in a place where I'll be okay. I'm living back in Minnesota with my aunt, my baby is getting bigger and stronger and is sleeping through the night.. I'm in therapy and I go to my NA meetings.. I'm doing the steps. Believe it or not, there was a time where I did this all by myself before you even came into my life. I'll be okay. A lot of the factors are different, and you solely leaving is not my trigger to relapse" 

"I know you've done this all before Leighton, that's what scares me" He confessed, pushing his body off the dresser and walking over to the end of the bed. "I care about you. I don't even want to think about something like that happening again" 

"Then don't think about it" I cheekily responded, Colby rolling his eyes at me playfully.

"I wish it was that easy"

"It'll get easier. Time has a funny way of healing things" I told him softly, a small hopeful smile on my face. My lips pushed together in a tight line.

"Now what?" He asked, his hand brushing against the comforter.

"I say we sleep on it, and figure it out tomorrow" I suggested, my eyes stinging from how tired and worked up I was.

"I hate when we do that" he groaned and I couldn't help but chuckle quietly.

"It's usually the best idea to not make rash decisions on a tired stressed out brain. After all, I'm going to need my beauty sleep if I have to put up with Emma tomorrow"

"Oh shit, that's right.." 

I laughed, shaking my head at him and turning off my bedside lamp.

"Come lay down, take a deep breath and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day" I reminded him, smoothing out the blanket that was on top of me.

"I can't believe this is how our day is ending" He sighed, climbing into bed. He shuffled under the comforters before asking, "Do you think we'll be okay?" causing my stomach to both flutter and drop.

"I think someday we will be"

* * * * 

I put "replied in Italian" just so it was easier to read. I don't want these chapters to be complicated 

This chapter is giving Unbroken vibes. Not only with how the chapter went, but with the fact that it's 7k words.

Written on: October 8th, 9th, 13th, 14th, 15th 2022

Published on: October 15th 2022

Word Count: 7k

Part Thirty One

[britswriting]

Desire (28)

Desire Masterlist

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There isn't any dialogue in this chapter... just trust me ;)

*Leighton's POV*

Entering an empty hotel room yet again was probably the most infuriating thing that could happen to me at this moment.

Where the fuck did he go?

I tried to busy my mind by picking up the room and making sure I had all of my things before we had to leave again, but no matter how hard I tried to distract myself, I couldn't help but feel hurt by the fact that he wasn't here.

I was grateful he didn't follow me, but it still hurt knowing he left.

I wanted to call someone so bad, but it was so expensive to do so, so I just sat here, pumping in the quiet hotel room, my mind swirling with endless confused thoughts.

I felt so alone.

I had so many ways I expected this trip to go.... but this wasn't one of them. 

I couldn't keep sitting in this empty hotel room. I felt like I was going to go insane.

I grabbed my phone, doing a quick Google search of things to do near us, wanting to just get back out and busy my mind. After a few quick scrolls, my eyes spotted the word "tattoo" and I was sold.

The perfect thing to get my mind off everything.

I don't think I've ever dialed a number faster in my life.

I somehow managed to book a timeslot at 5:30, even with how booked they were.

I knew what I wanted, I had been thinking about it since I was pregnant.

It was fairly simple, easy linework. Honestly it was a quick in and out appointment.

The tattoo shop was about 45 minutes away so I started to plan my route of how I would get there.

I mean, I could ask to borrow the rented car, but I didn't feel like explaining where I was going.

I figured it would be easier to take a Taxi over there now, so I texted Sam that I was going to go out and explore a bit and that I would catch up with them later.

I didn't even wait for a reply before grabbing my backpack, phone and phone charger.

I needed to get out of this room.

All it held was hurt feelings and angry memories.

Where the fuck did he go?

Were we really over all because I don't share the same interest in the paranormal as him?

Do you know how dumb that sounds?

"oh why did you two break up?", "I don't believe in ghosts." Like the fuck?

Whilst in the cab, heading towards Rome, Sam texted me back asking where I was going.

I figured it was smart to at least tell someone where I was going in case something horrific happened, so I texted the street the tattoo shop was on without saying exactly where I was headed off to. Only he texted back "Why the fuck are you all the way over there????" to which I left him on seen.

Sometimes you just need a break. To be alone. And hey, I can't get drunk or do drugs... So why not get a tattoo?

I walked through the door, a bell chime going off, the receptionist looking up.

I got checked in and figured out my payment method before meeting with the actual tattoo artist.

A girl walked out, introducing herself as Marnie, leading me over to her bench, getting started immediately.

We did a few quick templates on sizes and fonts.

It felt weird going through this process again.

The tattoo would take 15 minutes which reminded me of when I got "Perfectly imperfect" on my ribcage.

The inkwork would look very similar, so I wasn't surprised that it wouldn't take too long.

I took a deep breath, laying down in the chair.

I'm really doing this.

She disinfected the area right under my left collarbone towards my shoulder and I closed my eyes trying to zone out as I prepared for the needle.

Before I knew it, we were done and she was cleaning up the area, grabbing the fun foam that for some reason I always loved watching be wiped off.

It felt like forever since I had done this last, and it felt good.

I missed this.

She gave me a brief overview of the care, but since you can clearly tell this isn't my first rodeo, she didn't go too in depth.

Walking out of the tattoo polar with the fresh in on my skin felt weird, but good.

I always felt weird when I walked out with new ink.

I mean, after all, I was altered forever.

It is kind of a weird feeling.

I'll never see that patch of skin bare ever again.

I checked my phone as I walked down the sidewalk, seeing 15 new messages in the group chat and 5 new messages from Sam.

I opened the messages from Group Chat, a lot of them asking where I was and what I was doing. 

The whole car ride back I felt guilty.

I was so nervous to arrive at the hotel and just be met with my livid friends.

I took a deep breath before swiping the keycard, not knowing if I was praying that he was in there, or that it was empty like before.

The second the green light shined and I pushed the handle, I could feel my heart race.

Please be in here.

When the door pushed open, my breath hitched.

The room was pitch black. There were candles lit all over the room making a beautiful yellow glow. The city lights shine through in a subtle manner.

I thought this only happened in movies.

I kicked my shoes off, not wanting to ruin it as I walked through.

"Colby?" I called out, my heart racing as I looked around the room in awe.

My eyes watered when I saw the beautiful rose petals on the ground, leading to the bed where there was a heart with "I'm sorry" written in the middle.

I walked over to the table in the room, and noticed a note.

In Colby's childish handwriting, there was written

Leigh, I'm sorry. I left some things around the room to treat yourself while Sam, Kat and I are out. Next to this note is a yummy surprise in the bathroom there is hopefully some things you like in there. I wasn't sure what you liked. I'm going to stay in Sam and Kat's room tonight so you have the hotel room to yourself. I'm sorry for what I said. I love you. Colby

My eyes caught the white box, carefully pulling open the lid.

My heart was racing so fast that I thought it was going to explode.

Wouldn't he want to set this all up so we could share it together? Why is he staying with Sam and Kat?

I wandered to the bathroom, curious to see what he had left.

There were candles burning in the bathroom, the fake wick flickering.

At least he was smart.

In the mirror there were rose petals pinned against the glass spelling out "beautiful" in lower case letters across the mirror. 

I couldn't help but smile at the small touch.

He knows me so well....

On the counter next to the sink there was a small box.

In the box was a lotion, two bath bombs, a sugar scrub, a real candle, Epson salt and lavender oil. Tucked on the side, I saw a few facial packets and burgundy nail polish.

I picked up the lotion first and I felt my eyes start to water as I looked through the bin.

He bought my favorite things.

I never talk about, or show him these, how did he know?

I mean, I packed my lotion in my suitcase.... but this was new.

There was even the bath bomb that I used once when I was pregnant, along with one I've never tried before.

Next to the bin was a package of chocolate chip cookies and macarons.

There was a small note next to the cookies but my eyes were too watery to read it.

I rubbed my eyes, thankful I wasn't wearing any makeup.

I picked up the note, blinking my eyes so I could see.

I wasn't sure if you liked macarons I thought the colors were pretty though just in case, I got you cookies. I hope you still like chocolate chip cookies. I know you ate these and cheese its whilst nursing If you rather something else, there is a note on the side table

And the tears were streaming down my face.

I was an idiot.

I wobbled over to the other note mentioned, misjudging the turn and banging my knee on the side of the bed.

"Motherfucker" I groaned, my eyes blurry and my knee now burning. "Stupid fucking bed" I hissed, rubbing my knee.

That's gonna leave a bruise.

I bruised like a goddamn peach, and I hated it.

I grabbed the sticky note, letting the adhesive stick to my pointer finger as I read it.

Order whatever you'd like. I have a tab open for our room or you can order from some fancy five star Italian place Treat yourself. It's on me Colby

Oh I've fucked up. I fucked up big time.

Yet again. You've screwed yourself over. Way to fucking go Leighton.

I sat here for a moment to feel self pity.... but then something hit me.

He said treat yourself.

So that's what I did. 

A quick Google search and a 30 minute walk later I paid for a few treat yourself items and made the 30 minute walk back.

By now it was 8:30pm and I ran my bath, my phone playing music off of YouTube.

I sat in the bath, my razor and cookies next to me as I got started.

If he can do all of this for me, I can do something for him.

I soaked in the tub, letting my skin become squeaky clean and wrinkly before starting my shaving process.

Both legs and armpits were clean shaved and I went to start to work on my vagina when I stopped.

How does he like it?

We've never talked about it before.

I've always clean shaven my whole body... but is that his preference?

I decided just to clean shave, figuring that it would be better than him preferring clean shaven and it wasn't.

I don't know him at all.

I didn't know if it was lack of trying, lack of observation, or lack of communication.

He did all of this for me; with all my favorite things... and I don't know him.

I sat my razor down, the warm water feeling incredible against my smooth skin.

Once I got out, I wrapped the towel around me and washed my face and grabbed one of the facials he had gotten, following the directions before applying the product.

I wanted to FaceTime Aaliyah, but it was 8am for her and she'd be at work.

Instead I took a selfie after I applied the face mask, sending it off to her 

Once I was lathered in lotion, my face mask washed off and my body was fully shaven, I grabbed the nail polish, YouTube playing on my phone as I got to work.

I carefully painted my nails. My fingers and toes matching.

Whilst they were drying I carefully waddled over to my suitcase, not letting my toes touch the floor.

Do I straighten or curl my hair?

What does he prefer?

I've never paid attention to his preferences on my appearance and now it was biting me in the ass.

Curled hair is normal people's sex appeal, right? Isn't that why a lot of Victoria Secret models' hair is curled?

What if he doesn't like it?

I never really do my hair. It takes so long and I have so much hair...

Waves it is. The happy medium.

"I swear to god if I burn myself..." I muttered, plugging in my hot tools.

I somehow managed to not nick myself shaving, so watch me burn the fuck out of my neck.

It'd look like a hickey without any of the fun.

Thankfully, no burns this time and my hair looked pretty decent.

Can you imagine if I put in all this effort and my hair looked like shit? I swear I'd cry.

I don't remember ever putting in this much effort. I was too young and dumb to care when I was with Gabe.

I mean, I was also high and just didn't care. 

It was nice to be sober and actually putting in effort to hopefully impress him.

Oh god.

What if he hates it?

What if he doesn't like how I look? What if he doesn't want this? Would he think I'm slutty? That I'm throwing myself at him? I mean... I am, but not like that...

Is it going to come across wrong?

If his way of communication is through actions and not words... surely this isn't slutty.. right?

It's not like I'm wearing a full porn star outfit.

Would he rather a porn star outfit? The slutty lace and straps and clothes that barely cover anything?

If only I could ask.

It's too late for that now.

I tugged the towel closer to my now dried body, my makeup bag open on the counter as I dug through it.

How do people do this on the daily?

I throw some mascara on and hope to god I don't look like a racoon. How am I supposed to make sure I look sexy?

I used handy dandy YouTube and googled "Sultry makeup look" like a noob, scrolling through different thumbnails until I found one that looked pretty yet simple.

I swear to god if I look ugly after all this effort, I will cry all this makeup off.

What a sight that would be.

You come home to your possible girlfriend/dating partner sitting on a bed full of rose petals in somewhat sexy clothes looking like hopefully a bombshell, just sobbing.

I started the process, hoping my foundation at least matched.

Maybe if I make the room even darker he won't notice.

Would he care? 

Gabe would care.

Gabe always pointed out my makeup mistakes. He said they were embarrassing. That he didn't want to go out in public with my face looking like that, so like a normal person, I stopped trying.

Can't fuck up if you don't try right? Sigh.

Then Aaliyah sat me down one night and she showed me how she does her makeup, walking me through it and I learned.

Am I amazing at it? No. But I'm good enough to know I can leave the house in it and not feel embarrassed.

"I swear if I fuck up this eyeliner" I muttered, sitting on the counter, the mirror shoved in my face as I tried to focus on making it as even as possible.

Sisters, not twins.

Don't they say that for eyebrows? Oh well, it works for eyeliner too.

I grabbed my mascara, remembering to hold it outwards so I didn't get it on my nose.

It's been a hot minute since I've worn makeup, or at least this much makeup. It felt weird.

I stared at myself in the mirror, thanking god that I didn't fuck up my foundation.

I couldn't help but smile as the word "beautiful" was written out in front of me, covering my chest in the mirror.

I think I looked hot? Would he also think that? 

God, I wish I knew what his sexual preferences were when it came to appearance. Does he like the red and black look? Does he like neutral makeup? The waves? 

He's not allowed to hate it. I spent too long making myself look like this for him to hate it.

There was one last step.

Slipping on the outfit.

I took a deep breath before dropping the towel.

I turned to the side to grab my bra, my eyes catching my protruded stomach in the mirror. The rose petals right above it.

Beautiful.

I truly felt beautiful. He's never made me feel insecure about my baby weight or the way my weight sat on my body.

Yes my stomach stuck out and yes my thighs were bigger, my boobs were bigger and shaped weirdly from breastfeeding and my ass hung lower... but he's never once made me feel like he preferred a tighter and higher body.

He's never given me a reason to feel insecure, and for once, I didn't.

I felt hot, sexy, and beautiful.

I clipped my bra, struggling a little bit with the awkward arm stretch.

It appeared to fit nicely and my boobs looked alright in it, only adding to my confidence boost.

Last but not least, the shorts.

Do I put on underwear?

I don't really have any sexy underwear with. I didn't plan on trying to get anything to happen.

Again, would he care?

Is there a preference?

Maybe instead of trying to sleep with him, I should tie him to the bed and make him answer all his sexual preference questions because how the fuck am I supposed to know?

Knowing my luck I'd fuck up and completely turn him off because the color red has some sort of horrible memory attached to it.

He wouldn't buy me burgundy nail polish though if that was the case, would he?

After a long stare in the mirror, futzing with my hair and making sure I didn't have lipstick on my teeth, I grabbed my phone and without thinking twice, I opened Colby's text messages and hit send.

Come to our hotel room 

* * * *

It's short.. and "lame" but just.. hang on ;)

Written on: October 6th 2022

Published on: October 7th 2022

Word Count: 2940

Part Twenty Nine

[britswriting]

Desire (26)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

T/W: Mention of blood

*Leighton's POV*

The dreadful walk back to Katina and Sam felt like it took years.

I swear the dark, cold hallways felt even longer than last time.

Colby's long ass legs were leaving my ass behind as he speed walked down the hallway.

We eventfully found Sam and Kat, Colby quickly telling them we needed to go outside.

Just as confused as I was, we followed Colby back out to the car.

"So what happened?" Sam asked Colby, Colby leaning against the passenger door of the car.

"I don't know what Leighton asked, but the words "Sacred Seven" came through the spirit box and I was like that's odd.... and then the name Lucifer came across and I refused to repeat it"

"Holy shit!" Sam gasped, my eyes widening and glancing towards Sam and Kat.

"Wait, why does sacred seven matter?" I asked, confused as to why they were flipping out.

"Okay so, Lucifer is the name of a demon in the bible. I know you're not religious, but that isn't a good thing. The words sacred seven matched with the name Lucifer... it's just unsettling" Colby explained, my face scrunched up in confusion.

"Why does sacred seven matter?" I asked again, trying to catch up with their racing thoughts.

"There are seven main demons in the bible" Sam said, Colby ignoring me.

"Ohhhh"

"So what does this mean?" Sam asked, staring intently at Colby.

"Well whoever it is, is singling out the girls. Whether it be Leighton or Katrina.... and then just.. getting the infamous demon name, whether it's real or some fucked up prank.. I don't like it. It's different putting ourselves in danger than it is the girls. Leigh has to go home and care for a baby. She can't have a demon attached to her" Colby explained to Sam, both of them acting like Kat and I weren't even there.

"I agree, but then what do we want to do? Do we want to continue or do we want to be done? The girls could always sit it out" Sam suggested but Colby quickly shook his head.

"We can't leave the girls outside alone at night time in a strange country" 

"Well what do you guys want to do? Clearly whatever is communicating is malevolent. Whether it really is a demon, or just some ghost with bad intentions" Sam stated, looking over at us.

"Leigh, I know you're not religious; but let's just pretend you are for a minute. If this to you, was real.... this is serious. If it's a real demon using us like chess pieces, I don't want you or Katrina to get hurt. We're not saying you can't do it. If you want to.. we can continue, just... we don't know what it is. If it's just a ghost who wants to be a dick to get a rise out of us.. then that's fine. But, if it's a demon... I don't fuck with that and I don't want you to either" Colby looked directly at me, showing how serious this was to him.

"I don't play with demons either. It's really up to Leigh I guess" Kat chimed in, Colby glancing over at her when she spoke, his eyes meeting mine again.

"Leigh... fuck our video. Fuck our career. This is about safety. Do we want to risk it? I know you think this is all bullshit and you're here just to be supportive... but if this is real, and demons are real... this is bad" Colby explained further and I nodded slowly.

"I can see all three of you are freaked out by the thought of it being a demon..." I started, unsure of what I wanted to do.

To be honest, I didn't really care.

I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe in all this crap that their livelihood is based around... but clearly they do, and this is a serious matter to them. So, if the three of them think this is a bad idea, who am I to say fuck it, let's continue?

"So if it would make you feel better to leave; then let's leave" I finished, Sam nodding and Colby letting out a deep exhale.

"But what if it isn't a demon? And it's just some ghost being a dick?" Sam asked, Colby seeming conflicted as we discussed what seemed to be a tricky situation.

"I mean... you said it yourself.. is it really something we want to risk?" Kat asked and Colby shook his head.

"But we were starting to get things" Colby groaned, confliction flashing through his blue eyes.

He appeared to be having an internal battle with himself, and it made me feel distraught because I had no idea how to help him.

"We always said that our health and happiness comes first. If this video is a crap video, it can go on XPLR club. It's not like we promised to come here, or have posted that we are here. We aren't letting anyone down by not posting it" Sam noted, Kat nodding in agreement.

"It's just.. it's another video we've filmed with Leighton that we aren't posting" Colby muttered, his frustration showing through his tone.

"Why is that so important to you?" I asked, confused as to why he was so stuck on me being in a video.

Colby stayed quiet, all three of us staring at him, waiting.

"Can I talk to you?" He muttered softly towards me and I nodded.

Colby walked with me over to the side of the castle, away from Sam and Kat.

"Why do you want to isolate us?" I asked, watching him carefully.

"Because I don't want to be made fun of for what I'm about to say" he replied, my eyebrow raising in curiosity as my head tilted.

"Why would they make fun of you?"

"I want to put you on our main channel, Leighton. You mean a lot to me, and I want to share you with people. I want to somehow show you off. To make you known. You're not some person we're collabing with to gain subscribers. We film with friends. We film with people who we see more often than people know... and just... the two times we film with you, we have to scrap the videos. It's not the fact that we have to basically toss the video in the trash, it's the fact that these moments with you we don't get to share. I want people to see you; to get to know you. They don't get to see why I love you based off a photo I post on my Instagram Story"

"But don't people hate seeing people you're with?" I asked, more confused.

He's a private person.. So why does he want to show me off?

"There are more ways to share people with me than dragging me to some demon infested castle in Italy" I joked, Colby keeping a serious face, my heart practically beating out of my chest.

What the hell is happening?

"I want to share this with you the same way Sam shares it with Kat. You support me and our trips all the time.. but it's different being here. It's different partaking in it" 

"But I don't believe. It's pointless for me to be here"

"Leighton, that's the best part! You don't believe! Do you know how fun it is for our viewers to watch someone who doesn't believe freak out? That makes it so much more real! It's not just, oh she's my girlfriend so I brought her with. You. Don't. Believe."

"Girlfriend huh?" I teased, my tongue between my teeth as I held back a giggle.

"Shut up" he muttered, his lips tugging upwards at the corners.

"I don't remember you asking me to be your girlfriend? You also said the L word again" 

"Oh my god" He groaned again, dragging out the word as he threw his head back.

"Okay I'll stop. I'm sorry" I apologized, my hand moving to rest on his arm. "I understand what you're saying.. but this isn't my passion Colby-"

"You don't have a passion!" He shot back, catching me off attention.

Surprisingly, those five words hurt a lot more than I expected it to.

"Damn, okay. You know just because you have it all figured out, doesn't mean you can shame me for still figuring it out. We don't all have millions of subscribers that can pay for our rent!" I glared.

"That's not what I meant" he backtracked, annoying me even more.

"Then what did you mean?"

"I don't know!" he groaned, "I just... I want to do this with you Leighton!" 

"What did you tell me earlier Colby? Oh, it was that people didn't type Sam and Leigh into YouTube! I am not a part of this! I can be on the sidelines and watch from afar, but this isn't me! This isn't my passion! This isn't something I love to do! I'm here to support you! You keep saying you want me to do this with you, but have you even asked if I've wanted to?! All the way back to when I mentioned Waverly Hills where Cassey worked to support you and possibly give you an opportunity, you all shoved it in my face and forced me to have to go! I DON'T LIKE DOING THIS COLE! This. Isn't. My. Passion" I argued, and I swear his eyes got darker.

"You're not supporting me!—"

"YES I AM! WHY ELSE WOULD I FUCKING BE HERE!"

"You're here because I paid for your flight to see your grandparents! If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here at all!" He tossed back, my face hardening at his words.

"I can't believe you just fucking said that" 

"Leighton-"

"No, fuck you and fuck this!" I quickly pushed by him, wanting him out of my way. "OF FUCKING COURSE YOU'VE TRAPPED ME FUCKING TWO HOURS AWAY FROM OUR FUCKING HOTEL BEFORE PISSING ME OFF!" I yelled, quickly spinning around to face him again. "I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM YOU EVEN IF I FUCKING WANTED TO! YOU NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE!"

 "Leighton!" Colby called after me as I quickly ran past Sam and Kat, my blood boiling from the anger I felt.

I had no idea where I was going, but I needed to be alone before I said something I couldn't take back.

I have a habit of doing that.

He knew I was apprehensive about coming, so why the fuck would he throw that in my face?

What is this? Some sort of power move?

Fuck that.

I already knew he was loaded! That he was in fact richer than me! Half of America was richer than I am! His goddamn shoes were more expensive than my last apartment! 

"LEIGHTON STOP!" Colby yelled, his footsteps approaching my own.

I was not fit enough to be running.

My boobs were bouncing and making my chest hurt. I wasn't in a sports bra so they were also falling out of my bra, making it so I had to hold my chest as I poorly ran away from him.

I hated it here.

"Leighton Rae! Stop!" Colby called again, but I couldn't help but flip him off as I ran, not caring if he saw it or not.

I heard his footsteps slow down and I ducked behind the building, breathing heavily as I rested against the hard, cold, stone wall.

I have this luscious life because of him.

I'm on this trip because of him.

I'm here, because of him.

Without him, Gemma would probably be in Foster Care and I'd be on the fucking streets snorting coke and downing whiskey. 

I felt the tears fall down my face, my anger making itself known with how hot they felt against my cheeks.

"Leigh" Colby said, startling me.

"Jesus Christ!" I hissed, holding my hands to my chest.

"Sorry" he muttered and I shook my head.

"You need to leave me alone. I need to be alone. I won't tell you again" I warned, knowing that I wouldn't be able to control what I say to him if he didn't respect my boundaries.

"Leighton-" He started again, his arm touching mine, my body flinching from the contact.

"COLE I SWEAR TO GOD! STEP AWAY!" I screamed, my chest shaking from how many emotions were racing through my veins.

"Leigh? What's going on?" He asked, concern lacing his tone.

I heard more footsteps, knowing the others were now also here.

Why won't they leave me alone?

Where was I supposed to go anyway? It's not like I can just ditch them. Either way I have to sit in the car with them later.

"Leighton, are you okay?" Kat asked, shoving Colby out of the way.

I huffed, shoving myself off the wall and pushing myself past them, angrily walking back towards the car.

It was quiet, but I heard their feet drag against the pebbled pathway.

They caught up with me pretty quickly, a firm hand grabbing my bicep, trying to get me to stop, but I pulled my arm out of their grasp and kept walking. 

I could feel the tears burn my waterline as I tried not to huff and puff the air.

"Leighton!" Colby called again, his footsteps right behind me.

"Please leave me alone for a minute" I whimpered, knowing he was directly behind me. "I'll talk to you in a few minutes.. just.. let me be alone please" I begged, not wanting to keep running away from him.

"Okay" He exhaled, giving in.

I let out a shaky breathy and quickly walked back over to the wall of the castle that I was originally standing at with Colby.

I sat down on the grass, letting my back rest against the stiff wall.

If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here 

How fucking true is that statement?

I literally met him, because I was desperate for a place to live.

Their home was the only option I had. If they didn't "let me in", who knows where I'd be now?

If Sam didn't "force" me to keep Gemma, I might've aborted her, or put her up for adoption.

Without the support from Sam and Kat, I wouldn't have made it through this pregnancy. Even Colby helped me out so much through the end. Hell he was so important to me, that I let him be in my labor and delivery room.

I did that with him.

Sam and Colby helped me figure out my life when I moved. Getting a passport, how to switch over medical files and change my license. 

They held my hand as I moved, helping me whenever they could. 

Colby watched Gemma for me when I had to go to fucking rehab. 

He's been so supportive of my rehabilitation and getting better and building this new life.... 

But without him, none of this would've happened.

Who knows where I would be right now if I didn't meet either one of them.

I owe them my life.

The thought of everything playing out differently. Whether it be maybe I miscarried Gemma because I was stupid, or I ended up in a place I shouldn't have been... his words held more weight than he realized.

Can I be mad if all he stated was a fact?

After all, I wouldn't be in Italy if I didn't decide to come on this trip with him, that they paid for.

I wouldn't be seeing my grandparents for possibly the last time if it wasn't for this opportunity.

He just wanted the same support shown to him, that he showed me...

I looked over and saw them all standing at the car, eye glances towards me as they whispered amongst themselves.

I took a deep breath, wiping my waterline, collecting myself before I stood up.

I slowly walked over to the car, their murmurs haltering.

"Hey" Colby said and I shook my head, crouching next to their bag, grabbing two flashlights and their camera before zipping it up and heading towards the castle.

"Leighton?" Colby called out, but I shook my head, opening the door.

It felt weird in here.

I took a deep breath, turning on the camera, my hands shaking a little.

I sniffled before hitting the record button, not wanting them to know I had been crying moments before.

He wants me to share this passion with him, right?

I'll fucking show him passion.

I owe this to them.

It's one of the few ways I can repay them.

I had to do this.

I had to believe; for them.

I didn't say anything but I used the big light for filming as a flashlight, filming the different areas as I walked back to where Colby and I had done the Estes Method.

The room had a door, so I shut the door just like Colby and I had done for filming, shoving some sort of box that had some stuff in it for tours against it.

I set the camera down on its mini tripod, the camera just seeing my shoes as I flicked the flashlights on and set them down facing the camera.

I sat down to the side of them, my hands in the frame of the camera, resting in my lap.

"I'm back" I spoke into the room, looking around the familiar space. "This camera here, I brought with me so I could see. It's just you and me. I uh.. I brought some flashlights. They're um.. apparently they're supposed to be easy to use. I'm sorry if that's a false claim. I thought we could do some yes or no answers? Get to know each other? I know earlier you said that you wouldn't remember me.... and that's okay. I get it. I wouldn't want to remember me either. You keep mentioning the female pronoun, so I've decided to talk one on one with you. Anyway, they're both flicked on. Let's say if you're facing the light so it's blinding us, the right one is yes, and the left one is no. If you're willing to talk to me... can you turn off the corresponding flashlight?" I asked, my hands shaking a little bit.

I couldn't tell if it was nerves, anger or sadness.

I sat there for a minute, hearing the group's footsteps nearby, my name falling from their lips.

"It's just us" I whispered. "Don't pay attention to them"

I wasn't paying attention until I looked back and the right flashlight was turned off.

My heart immediately started pounding in my chest, my breathing becoming thicker.

"Thank you" I whispered, not wanting my friends to hear me.

"You told Colby that your name was Lucifer. Are you a demon?" I asked, hunched over more as I stared at the flashlights.

A minute or two went by and I was going to move on, figuring that that wasn't a question they wanted to answer, but surprisingly, the left flashlight turned off.

I let out an unknowing breath of relief, nodding my head at it.

"Okay, so you're not a demon. Do you want to hurt me?" I asked, knowing you should never ask those questions, but what else was I supposed to ask?

What's your favorite color?

I waited a little bit more, a buzzing in my ears before hearing a bang on the door.

I jumped, my blood pressure rising.

"Leighton? Are you in there?" I heard Sam ask, but I stayed quiet.

I had to do this.

They needed me to do this.

The left flashlight turned on, startling me.

I was all of a sudden very jumpy.

I felt like my skin was crawling as I sat in this dark room by myself.

"Did you want to scare Colby?" I asked, knowing I had to phrase my questions differently due to the yes and no game we were playing.

The right flashlight turned on and I sighed.

Great.

"Does it bug you that I don't believe?" I murmured, glancing towards the camera.

I could hear the banging on the door from Sam and Colby and I felt like I couldn't focus.

I needed to do this.

Didn't they want me to do this?

The left flashlight turned off.

I sat there for a few minutes, hearing Sam and Colby yell at me through the door.

I asked a few questions, but neither flashlight did anything.

I took a deep breath, staring at the flashlights as my brain tried to comprehend how they turned on and off on their own.

It simply wasn't possible.

If it was logical, why wasn't it doing it when I wasn't asking questions?

I felt drained.

Both physically and emotionally.

I almost wished I had grabbed the spirit box, but I figured they wouldn't be as mad if I didn't give them complete open communication.

Startling the crap out of me, both flashlights turned off, and the camera light.

"What the fuck" I squeaked, my voice completely gone out from being startled.

I hated how dark it was in here.

I reached over to the camera, flicking the light back on.

"That was rude you know" I muttered, thankful Sam and Colby's banging had stopped.

I honestly don't know how long I sat here, trying to get answers for.

It felt like 5 minutes, but when I looked at my phone, 15 minutes had gone by.

I doubt any of this was even useful.

Can I do anything right?

All I wanted was to make him happy. 

I hated feeling like I was letting people down.

I got up and opened the door, startling Sam, Kat and Colby.

I didn't know what I was expecting, but seeing them sitting on the ground, camped out by the door, wasn't it.

"Leigh!" Colby said quickly, all of their heads turning to look at me.

Colby scurried off the ground, pulling me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry" He said immediately, his hand on my head and my back, keeping me close to him.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked, Colby letting me pull away.

I nodded slowly, walking back over to the camera.

"What were you doing?" Kat asked, noticing the setup.

"I was trying..." I paused, not sure what to say.

"Were you doing this shit by yourself?" Sam asked and I nodded slowly, bending down to grab the camera and stop recording.

"I didn't get much, I'm sorry" I apologized, handing Sam the camera, grabbing the flashlights.

No one said anything.

They all just looked at me like I had three heads.

"Hey Leigh?" Sam asked, catching my attention.

"Hm?"

"You have blood dripping down your face" he said, my brow furrowing, Colby whipping around.

"What the fuck?!" He exclaimed, walking over to cradle my face.

"Where?" I asked, not feeling anything.

"it's dripping out of your nose down to your lip, here, hold on" Colby tugged the cuff of his hoodie out from under his jacket, balling it up a little and whipping the blood.

"Colby! Now you have my blood on your hoodie!"

"It's fine. It can be washed, or I can buy a new one. A little blood never hurt no one" He tilted my jaw, looking at my face. "It's not pouring, so that's good. I don't know why your nose is dripping blood though" 

"Do you think it's demonic?" Sam asked, Colby glaring at him.

"What?" I asked in disbelief, Colby's gaze ready to murder Sam.

"Sam, shut up" Colby grumbled. "Let's go to the bathroom and try and stop the blood" He told me, grabbing my head and leading me through Sam and Kat, out the doorway.

Colby entered the girls bathroom with me, handing me some balled up toilet paper.

"Hold it to your nose, I'm gonna google what to do" He said and I nodded, unsure why I needed to hold this to my nose if it wasn't pouring blood.

"It says to sit upright and lean forward, or to like pinch the bridge of your nose" He read off his phone, confusing me.

"But you said it wasn't bleeding badly? Why do I need to pinch my nose?"

"I don't want the blood to continue"

"But-"

"Please" He pleaded and I groaned, pinching my nose and holding the useless toilet paper to my nose.

"This is dumb" I muttered, Colby rolling his eyes.

"Please just humor me for a minute" He replied and I sighed, leaning against the bathroom wall.

5 minutes went by and I threw away the untouched toilet paper, dropping my hand.

"I'm okay, can we go back now?" I asked, Colby shaking his head.

"Can we please talk about what just happened?" 

"What? The nose bleed? I don't know what happened, but 'm fine" 

"Leigh, I'm sorry" he said sincerely, staring at me from about 3 feet away.

"For what?"

"For what I said back there. I didn't mean it to come out like that"

I let out a deep exhale, pushing myself off the wall.

"We can't talk about that right now. We need to go find Sam and Kat, and let them know I'm okay"

"But we have to talk about it Leighton" 

"And we will, but I'm too tired to sit here and argue with you right now" I pushed open the bathroom door, hearing Colby's shoes hit the tiled floor behind me.

"Don't want to argue either Leigh" He chimed up, following my quick pace back to our friends.

"Colby, there is a time and place for this conversation, and right here isn't it. Can we please just go get Sam and Kat and get the hell out of here?" I asked, stopping in my tracks, turning to look at him.

He let out a breath of frustrated air, looking up at me under his lashes, "I don't like you being mad at me"

To be honest, I didn't know how to respond to that.

I ended up just nodding, turning around and walking in the direction where we left Sam and Kat, my head too focused on just getting the hell out of here. Except there was one thing that kept buzzing in the back of my head as we walked through this dark, damp castle...

You're nothing without him.

* * * * 

I struggled with this chapter a lot ngl. It's hard to write paranormal chapters when your main character is not interested in it lol

Next month will be a year since I started this series.... that's insane. 

I literally watch Sam and Colby videos whilst writing to get in the right mindset since I'm not use to writing them lol. I haven't written them for years like other people I write, so this still feels very new lol

Written on: September 25th, 26th, 28th, 29th, 30th, October 2nd 2022

Word Count: 4.2k

Part Twenty Seven

[britswriting]

Devotion (18)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on wattpad

T/W: Self harm! - not graphic detail, just a little brief thought process explanation that can be triggering!

C/W: brief smut

*Leighton's POV*

The anxiety I felt as I waited at the restaurant table for Colby felt completely unknown.

I couldn't sit still for the life of me. I was convinced I looked like a crazy person as I fiddled with my straw, my leg constantly bouncing and my thumb endlessly scrolling through my phone.

What if I was making the wrong choice?

With us selling my parents house, I decided it was time to grow up and move back in with Colby; after all, if we were going to make this relationship work, and actually raise a family together, it would be extremely useful if we were under the same roof. The only thing is I had a few rules I wanted to enforce first; and the idea of telling Colby what those things were was honestly making my heart beat out of my chest.

On top of my feeling like I was running for my life, all whilst sitting at this booth, Colby was running late.

I resisted the urge I had to text him, by texting Aaliyah a few times, wanting to see when she was free to meet up, or even just open to a phone call, but it was complete radio silence on her end.

Half an hour later than we agreed on, I was starting to get fed up, hitting call on Colby's contact only for him to finally walk through the restaurant door.

"I'm so sorry" He immediately apologized, sliding into the booth across from me.

"You're half an hour late, Colby" I huffed, leaning back against the booth.

"I know, and I apologize. I left the house late and then I hit traffic, I'm sorry" he explained and I licked my lips, nodding as I reached for my drink, Colby wiggling a little in his seat, "You're mad" he sighed. "I didn't mean to be late, I swear"

"I'm not mad" I mumbled, setting my drink back down, "I'm just irritated. Waiting is one thing, waiting half an hour is another. Especially when you're anxious about what you want to discuss, and everyone at the restaurant is sending you pity looks because it looks like you're being stood up on on a date"

"I'm sorry" he repeated.

"It's fine. Let's just order" I replied softly, my foot tapping against the worn tile.

"You haven't ordered?" Colby asked, sounding surprised, and maybe even a little guilty, "Leighton, you didn't have to wait for me"

"I didn't know you were going to be half an hour late. It's fine, I wanted to eat with you anyway"

We both ordered our food, Colby asking how Gemma's been and if we've continued our preschool search to which I informed him that I put in a few applications but I wasn't sure if any of them were really going to work out.

I also mentioned that I had put in my two weeks notice at my fast food job since I landed a new position working at a retail store that had better pay; to which he congratulated me on.

"At least you're out of the shitty fast food field" he muttered quickly, glancing around causing me to giggle.

"It wasn't too bad. I mean, I wasn't dealing with all the costumers really anymore, it's just... the smell, and being pregnant.. it was rough. With the new job, sure I start a little lower on the totem pole, but I plan to keep this job whilst I go through my first few years of college" I started to explain, Colby's brow furrowing.

"Your first few years of college? You're finally doing that?" he asked and I nodded slowly, "Not to uh, sound unsupportive, but how do you plan to manage having a four year old, a newborn, a new career and go to school? You're going to get burnt out Leighton"

I felt my walls start to quickly build up as I took a deep breath, reminding myself to listen to him.

I understood where he was coming from, it was a lot.. but what, was I just supposed to put these things on hold because I have kids? Many people accomplish these goals with families, why couldn't I?

"I'll figure it out" I shrugged, Colby giving me a weird look.

"I understand that... but doesn't it seem just a little bit.. uh, out of reach? A little in over your head?" He asked, a frown tugging on my lips.

"I need to go school Colby. I want to go to school. I want to feel accomplished in that way"

"I understand. When do you plan on signing up?" he asked.

"Well, I was thinking not for a little bit. I mean, I don't want to miss a lot of school when I'm in labor, and I know the newborn days will be rough.. so I was thinking maybe when she's a few months old? Gemma was in hopefully preschool, or some sort of afternoon activity? I wasn't thinking like starting tomorrow, if that's your concern"

By the time our food arrived, Colby and I ate a little bit before he finally asked, "So what is it that has you're anxiety acting up? I didn't think I was that nerve racking to talk to"

"It's not that I'm nervous to talk to you" I chuckled, "It's just.. to be honest, I'm nervous of making the wrong decision. I don't necessarily have the most perfect track record" I stated, Colby snickering at me, slipping the pickle off of his plate and onto mine.

"Just tell me. We can figure it out together, but I can't help if I don't know what you're worried about"

I sighed, taking a deep breath, flicking the salt from the fries off of my fingers before letting my eyes find his, "So you know how my dad's decided to sell the house?" I started, Colby nodding, "Well, it got me thinking about how uh, um, I kinda.. need a place to sleep, ya know?" I nervously laughed, "So I was thinking.. maybe G and I could move back in?" I slowly got out, Colby's eyes widening a little as his lips parted.

"You're serious?"

"Well.. yeah. Is that... is that okay?"

"Leighton! That's more than okay! That's all I've wanted. Oh my god, you're not joking, right?" He had me reconfirm, my head shake making a boyish grin show up on his face, "When are you planning on moving back in? Do you need help? I'm willing to help" he quickly rattled, the 0 to 100 energy taking me by surprise.

"I don't know yet, I need to figure it all out. I was uh— Okay, listen to my full sentence before you get too excited" I started, Colby's eyes narrowing a little as he nodded. "I would like to start the process of looking into buying a house. Or lease is coming to an end of December, so instead of renewing.. I was thinking.. we could buy a house together? I want to test the waters a little bit when we first move back in before jumping into the deep end, but that's where my head has been at. I just.. I want to start building our life together properly. I want to start with a house. I mean, our apartment is getting quite cramped, Colby. The room that is currently your office would have to become the nursery, which isn't fair to you. We don't have space for if Sam wanted to come stay with us, or when Gemma starts having sleepovers. I just really want us to have more space. More area to live in. I want to start getting ready with a nursery, and putting together a real space to call our own. A space where we can paint the walls, and change our fixtures" I rambled, the grin never falling off of Colby's face as he nodded at what I was saying.

"You're nesting" he chimed in, my eyes rolling, even though I knew he was right. "So step one, you move back in, step two, we look for a house" He nodded, making me laugh.

"So you're on board?"

"Are you kidding? I'm more than on board, Leighton! I'm driving fucking ship! You're coming back home! Gemma's coming back home! I'm so—" he paused, his head shaking out of disbelief, my cheeks becoming tight from the smile on my face.

"Ah ah" I tsked, shaking my head, "Don't get too ahead of yourself. I have uh, rules, I want you and me to follow" I warned, Colby freezing.

"Rules?"

"Mhm" I hummed, "The first one I'm not willing to change my mind on" I continued, watching the apprehensiveness tense up his muscles.

"Okay..."

"I want a sober house." I stated, chewing on my lower lip as my leg bounced a little, waiting for his reaction.

"A sober house?" He repeated, myself nodding, "Like, drinking?"

"And drugs"

His forehead wrinkled, "I don't do drugs"

"But I do. I said you and me. Not just you. I want us both to agree to this"

"Okay... I uh, I can do that" He nodded, surprising me that there was no push back.

"Really? You're not gonna argue with me?"

"Leighton, you're worth more to me than alcohol. If anything, drinking has really ruined both of our lives. I want you, and Gemma, way more than I do a beer, or whiskey"

"A sober house means a sober house though, Colby" I repeated, "That means if Sam comes over, there is no drinking in our house"

I watched realization appear on his face, my stomach dropping.

Is this where we're going to have problems?

"Like.. forever?" He asked and I nodded slowly, afraid of everything crumbling beneath me.

"At least for now" I settled, feeling like I was walking on a rickety bridge with a few loose boards, really clutching onto my life with every inhale that Colby took.

"For now? What does that mean?"

"I don't want to limit you forever. I just, I don't want it in our house for now. For a while. I don't want the temptations or the reminders whilst I continue to work on becoming confident in my willpower of recovery. I want to say goodbye to the substances that have ruined my life. Plus, with your recent track record of a DUI, I just don't want it to be available under our roof. That doesn't mean you can't go out to the bar, or drink at someone else's house, I just.. well, if you do that, I'd really like you to confirm with someone who isn't going, even if that's just me, to come get you. I don't want you to have any chance to get another DUI, whether you think you're capable or not. I just worry, is all..." I sighed, Colby nodding, a guilty look in his eye as his shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry I've caused you to worry. That was never intention"

"I know, I just.. I don't want the opportunity to drink alone, or on a whim to be available. Nothing good has come from it"

"I'm willing to try. It's kind of habit to buy alcohol just have on hand" He said and I nodded, understanding what he meant since he normally drank with his friends. "Is that your only rule? No substances?" He asked and I shrugged, playing around a little bit with my food.

"I want us to take our meds together"

His brow furrowed, "You don't trust me?"

"At this moment? No. But, then we both know. I know you took your anti depressant and you know I've taken my shit load of pregnancy vitamins and my own anxiety medication. It's not like I'm just standing there and making sure you've swallowed it" I giggled, "I just thought maybe, to ease both our mines, we make it a habit that we do it together each morning" I did a small shoulder shrug, Colby nodding slowly.

"I can try. You'll have to remind me"

"Okay, I can do that. One more thing" I held up my finger, Colby's head tilting. "I want us to start our mornings off together with Gemma, and finish our evenings together. I want her to see us as a unit. A family. I understand we have work, and it's easier said than done, but whether it's a quick phone call, or whatever.. I just want us to figure it out. I really want us both to be there for her; especially since we have another little one on the way. I don't want it to be Leighton Fox and Colby Brock. I want Leigh and Colby. Does that make sense?"

"That's harder for me to agree to due to how long some of our nights can get, especially with us traveling out of town. I think we need to reconsider the whole morning and night thing if I'm gone. That's a lot harder to swing when I'm working" His lips pursed, my own rolling into a thin line.

"I just don't want Gemma, or myself to feel forgotten about when you're working. We've gone so long without each other that I don't want to continue to walk in our old habits. I can tell you right now I'm going to need a lot of help with this baby, and Gemma. You can't work as much when the baby is born. Gemma was hard. I mean, you know that" I pointed out, remembering when he had babysat her for me when I went back to rehab, "But it's going to be a lot harder now that she'll be going to school and becoming more of a real person and less of a little blob attached to my hip, plus having a new baby. I just want us to be on the same page"

"Why do you think I don't want to be a part of this family?" He suddenly asked, catching me off guard.

"What? Is that a rhetorical question?" I asked, Colby shaking his head, "What do you mean?"

"Everything you're saying, you're saying it like I'm joining the family. Not creating the family. I feel like I'm your friend whose helping out with Gemma again, rather than your fiancé who is biologically the father of your unborn child"

"I apologize if that's how it sounded. I just wanted us to be on the same page considering we haven't been under the same roof in a while, and the last time we were didn't go to well"

Colby agreed to do his best, the two of us finishing our lunch as we discussed when I would move back in, Colby hesitantly agreed with me when I told him I wanted to help my dad with packing and cleaning up the house so it was able to be listed on the market.

~

"Put that down!" I shrieked, Colby going through my old school projects my mom had tossed in a box under the stairs.

"What? It's cute" He laughed, shaking the kindergarten art project that was a paper plate with googley eyes and pipe cleaners.

"I can't believe she kept that" I huffed, setting my box of old school papers to the side.

"You're telling me you want to throw this out? Look at it's eyes!" He shook the plate.

"No!"

"Look into it's eyes and tell it you don't want it" He moved the plate closer to me, my nose wrinkling.

"I don't want it!"

"Leigh, we can't just throw away your entire childhood" He chuckled, tossing the old art project into one of the trash bags.

"Well we can't keep everything. Where are we going to put it in the apartment?" I asked, trying to hold back my smug smile.

"We can put them in a storage locker, you know?" he mentioned, "If we're buying a house, there is going to be room for your sentimental things. You don't have to throw them all out. Do you plan on just getting rid of all these memories?" he asked, grabbing another art project.

"I just figured they'd be taking up space. Do you have your old projects?" I asked, moving onto another bin.

"I think my mom has them" he chuckled, my lips pursing as I glanced up at him.

"And you're giving me shit?"

"I wasn't giving you shit, you're just getting rid of like everything"

"Well I don't know what I want to keep, so might as well" I shrugged, shoving another bin out of the way once I realized it was Logan's shit.

"What are you doing?" Gemma's tiny slightly slurred voice asks, her little body peering over my shoulder.

"We're going through mommy's childhood stuff, want to help?" I asked, Gemma shaking her head making me laugh.

"What do you think of mommy's old project?" Colby asked, holding up yet another art project I didn't remember.

"Looks silly" she giggled, Colby handing it to her, "Momma make dis?"

"Mhm"

"Mommy's gotten better" She giggled, my jaw dropping in offense.

"You don't think this is good? I was like eight when I made this!" I fake shrieked, swiping the paper of dried water colored paint from her.

"Messy!" she giggled, pointing at my work, my jaw still dropped but I stayed quiet, shaking my head as her and Colby conversed about another art project.

Gemma stayed with us for a little bit before running off when Harper got here, Logan having come over to go through his own bins of shit.

"Think Lexi will come do hers?" He asked, a few containers of her stuff getting shoved towards the stairs.

"I don't fucking know. For all I know she's never speaking to me again" I huffed, sliding my now gone through bin over to Colby.

"I guess Landon has heard from her? I don't know much more than that" He informed, speaking again when I stayed quiet, "Leighton? You alright?"

I swallowed the emotions that were building in my throat, nodding, "It just sucks, that's all" I replied quietly, pulling out a folder of old tests that had all sorts of different grades on them, tossing the entire folder into the trash pile.

"Woah, what was all that?" Colby asked, the loud thud catching his attention.

"My old tests, I don't know why she kept those" I snickered, "I mean, a lot of them were from like middle, high school"

"Oh I need to see these. What kind of student was Leighton Fox?" Colby rhetorically asked, picking up the worn red folder that had faded edged due to it being a $2 cardboard folder from a decade ago.

"B....B plus... C minus... d plus?" His eyebrow raised at me, pulling out one of my math sheets to show Logan and I the bright red D- written on the top with a circle around it.

"Shut up, I wasn't good at math, leave me alone!" I defended, Colby chuckling as he continued to dig through the papers, reading off all of my different grades, "A plus in science?" his eyebrow raised.

"And?"

"You're a science nerd, huh?"

"Why? Because one paper from the seventh grade has an A plus? I probably cheated on it anyway" I snickered, Logan tsking. "Shut up! You cheated all the time! None of us have math genes and you got all A's all the fucking time" I rolled my eyes, Logan faking offense, "I did not"

"You did too! You were too busy tryna get into Miranda's pants"

"She was hot and a cheerleader!" He defended himself, my eyes rolling as Colby snickered.

"You thought all cheerleaders were hot, but didn't dare look at the other jock kids. You were shallow in high school. Glad Cynthia changed your ways" I teased, Logan's eyes rolling.

"What's this?" Colby asked, stopping our augmented banter.

"What's what?"

"This" Colby turned a piece of paper around.

"Oh" I stated, my eyes locked on the photo in front of me.

"That's Lex and Leigh" Logan answered for me, Colby's brow furrowed as he turned the photo back around.

"That's Leighton?" he confirmed, Logan nodding.

"Mom had us get professional photos done when the twins were babies. They made a whole day out of it and Leighton was so crabby the entire car ride because she skipped her nap" Logan snickered, "And I remember having to feed her some of my snacks so she'd stop crying and waking the babies. She never paid me back" He cocked an eyebrow, turning to look at me.

"Whatever" my eyes rolled, "You were just as annoying"

"Oh yeah? I bet you don't even remember that day" he shot back, my eyes narrowing.

"You were these ugly blue suspenders that you threw a fit about because mom wanted you to wear the gray ones so you'd match; but your blue ones had Batman on them"

"Do you have more photos of you as a toddler?" Colby asked, glancing around the mess we had created.

"Mom has a few photo albums, why?" I asked.

"I just, I never realized how much you look like Gemma"

My head shook, "Really? I don't see it"

"You had blonde hair as a toddler, so does she. Granted, it's started to darken a little bit" he turned the photo back around, "But you guys look very similar"

"She has a lot of Gabe's features though" I shrugged, hoping Logan doesn't go dig out the family albums considering he also has embarrassing photos in there.

Colby got quiet, the silence lingering as I shoved a box titled "Logan's High School CDs" towards him, pulling out another that was labeled "Leighton + Lexi baby clothes" piquing my interest as I lifted the lid, Colby's throat cleared; "Do you think our baby will look like you? You and Gem?" He asked, my hands pulling out different articles of clothes.

"Hm?" I hummed, looking up at him.

"I asked if you thought our baby will look like you girls"

I shrugged, "I mean, I think G looks like her dad, so maybe our baby will look like you. Just take my genes out of the equation completely" I snickered, Colby shaking his head.

"I want my baby to look just like you. I want all your genes, even the crazy ones" he grinned, my jaw dropping.

"Hey!"

"You're beautiful, Leighton. Our girls would be lucky to look like you. I honestly want our littlest one to have your beautiful eyes and smile"

"Yours are just as pretty, she's lucky either way" I complimented back, Logan fake gagging making us laugh. "Was this mine or Lexi's? Do you remember?" I asked Logan, pulling out an old baby dress.

"Was probably both of yours"

"I'm keeping this for the little one" I murmured, setting it aside and pulling out another, "Oh my god look at these little overalls"

"That has you written all over it" Logan laughed, my smile widening as I stared down at it, wishing I had found this box sooner when Gemma was a baby.

"I can't wait to dress our baby in cute things" I sighed, Colby grabbing my accumulating pile of clothes and putting them into one of our keep bags.

"Have you guys thought any more about baby names? Cynthia said it was quite the hot topic lately"

"Gemma suggested the name Rosie, and I agreed to humor her, but that isn't happening" I chuckled, grunting as I pushed myself up onto my knees; Colby grabbing my hand to help steady me.

"We like the name Zoe and Riley. We've tossed around Parker and Collette" Colby said, Logan nodding along.

"I don't like the way Collette sounds with Brock. That's our problem" I began, "Colby's got such an annoying last name that making names sound good is a struggle"

"Leighton's just overly picky is the real problem"

"Oh whatever, you hated my name ideas. Don't act like you're easy to please either" I scoffed.

"We thought about naming Harper, Melanie" Logan chimed in, surprising me.

"Really? Why?"

"Family name for Cynthia"

"Ah" I turned to face Colby, "Do you have any good family names?"

"I mean, my mom would die if we named our baby after her, but uh.. I don't really want to do that" he chuckled, his cheeks tinting pink.

"To be fair, Lesa is hard to use for a middle name — Oh! Speaking of your parents!"

"Oh god" Colby groaned.

"Your dad is trying to talk me into moving to Arizona"

"What?" Colby asked, his face scrunching up, "Why?"

"They want us to be closer for their grandbaby"

He was quiet for a moment before asking, "Do you want to?"

"What? Move to Arizona?" I questioned, Colby nodding, "God no, but I didn't know how to tell him that. I kind of just shrugged and moved on..."

"I don't want to move to Arizona either. If they want to be closer to the grandkids, they gotta come our way" Colby chuckles, "You'd murder me if I dragged you somewhere even hotter"

"You guys are moving?" Logan asked, looking between Colby and I.

"We were talking about it" I informed my brother, Colby nodding.

"Out of state?"

"Uh.. no? I don't know. I don't really want to leave mom"

"Well whatever you decide to do, factor in how long it takes for you to visit because I can't live without my niece"

"What about me?!"

"I've had you around my neck for 20 years" He teased, Colby snickering when I scoffed.

"You're both mean" I huffed, making an attempt to get up off the floor, pushing away the helpful hands before finally giving in, groaning and glaring at Colby as I tried to walk away, his hand keeping hold of mine as he pulled me back into him; "I could never get enough of you Leighton Rae" he murmured, pulling me in for a kiss, groaning when I turned my face so his lips met my cheek instead.

"Daaamn! Someone's in the dog house!" Logan laughed, my hand going behind my back to flip him off, wiggling out of Colby's hold and walking off.

I flicked on the bathroom light, jumping when I saw Colby standing behind me in the mirror.

"You've got to stop meeting me in the bathroom" I panted, my heart beating out of my chest.

He laughed, moving to wrap his arms under my own, clasping around my stomach, "Are you mad at me?" he hummed against my ear, resting his chin on my shoulder as we watched each other in the mirror.

"No"

"Why'd you walk off?"

"I've been sitting for over an hour. Shit hurts. You try carrying the baby next time" I sighed, leaning back to rest my head against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry you're in pain, I wish I could make it better; but it'll all be worth it, I promise"

"Can I ask you something?" I asked softly, chewing on my lower lip, watching the way his eyes flickered between one of my nervous habits and the wary settling in my eyes.

"Always"

"Did you think I'd be a good mother?"

I watched the way his lips pursed slightly, his brows pulling inwards as he took a breath through his nose; "What makes you ask that?" he asked, the pit forming in my stomach.

"Well, you didn't like me... and then you found out I was pregnant.. and you kinda.. came to my rescue? Did you worry? That I was like.. a bad person or something? I just... sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this. Like I don't deserve her, and maybe she would be happier with a different family. Maybe I don't love her enough. Maybe I'm not enough, ya know? I'm quite fucked up, ya know?" I slightly joked, my eyes filling with tears, causing them to flutter shut in hopes he didn't notice the waterfall that was threatening to cascade down my quivering chin.

"Baby, you're more than enough. You can't sit here asking what if. Gemma smiles and laughs all day long. She has a roof over her head. A warm dinner on the table every night. She gets a goodnight kiss and her blankets tucked in around her, keeping her safe from all the monsters that you swear aren't there, every night. Just because you have a past, that doesn't mean you can't change and grow. You're a wonderful mother in your own way, just like everyone else. There is no perfect mother, but you're perfect to me"

"That's nice and all, but that didn't answer my question" I chuckled, a tear rolling down my face, my hand quickly swiping it away, Colby frowning.

"Why are you crying?"

"Because that's what I know how to do best" I joked again, sniffling as my eyes squeezed shut, wanting it to stop.

"Talk to me baby" He urged softly, turning me around so we were face to face, his hands coming up to cradle my face, causing me to keep my eyes on him.

The longer the thoughts whirled around in my head, the more my eyes begin to sting as a struggled sob escaped past my lips, the tightness in my throat becoming too much to handle as I wobbled out, "Sometimes I think I'm not the reason people stick around" the tears falling quick, the heat of them causing warmth to spread around my red cheeks; the glistening streaks bringing a frown to Colby's face.

"Is this about the joke Logan made earlier? — Leighton, you know he was kidding. You guys are siblings. You love each other more than I can even understand"

"But what if the words hold more weight than I know?" I worried, my insecurity beginning to spread like a mental pandemic as I started to question everyone's place in my life.

"Leigh" he sighed, "You are loved. You are wanted. You're enough. I want you. Logan wants you. Your dad wants you. Your mom wants you. Your daughters want you—"

"But what about Kat, huh? Or Aaliyah? What about them? What about Lexi? What if my parents are letting me in because of Gemma? What if they still think I'm this fucked up kid who's ruining their life, but they want Gemma to have a good life, so they're keeping her shitty mother around" Colby's eyes showed confusion as I continue to ramble; "What if I fuck up again, and again, and again, and again? Then what? It's bound to happen, Colby! I'm going to lose my daughter one day and I just.." my face scrunched up as a sound of agony filled the bathroom.

"You're not going to lose her, Leighton. You're doing everything in your power to keep her. You are worthy of her Leighton. I don't care what your mind is telling you. It's not true. — Wait, is this why you want a sober house?" he asked, my head shaking.

"I can't get her into preschool, Colby" my hoarse voice spoke out, "I'm already failing her"

"You're not failing her, Leighton. She doesn't need to go to preschool. Everything she learns at preschool, she can learn at home" he tried to reassure me as my head shook in disagreement.

"I'm scared" I quietly confessed, sniffling again, my nose turning pink as my hand wiped across it.

"Of what?"

"This baby"

I watched his body tense, before falling as his eyes flickered with worry.

"The baby? Why?"

"I don't want to repeat history, Colby"

"Repeat history, how?"

My eyes squeezed shut as the burn began to get warmer; "I hate myself for this" I spoke through a clenched jaw.

"Leighton?"

"Maybe you're right" I started, opening my eyes but keeping them away from his blue ones.

"About?"

"About... about.. about me being in over my head"

"Leighton" he sighed, my head starting to shake again.

"Do you think I'm selfish?" I asked softly, Aaliyah's words ringing through my ears louder than ever.

Colby stayed quiet for a second too long, my lips forming into a tight line as I nodded, my finger wiping under my water line as I pushed past him, biting my lip to prevent the sound of my cries from escaping.

I scurried down to the basement, softly closing the door, crawling into my bed as I stared at the ceiling, tears rolling down my cheeks.

My hands rested over my bump, a larger lump forming in my throat as my mind began to spiral.

Would we still be together if I wasn't pregnant?

Would Colby's family like me if I wasn't having his baby?

Did I even deserve to have this baby?

Flashes of Gemma as a newborn flickered through my brain like an old movie; Gabriel's harsh words as I poured my breast milk down the drain. Gemma's constant crying and my lack of bonding with her feels like a heavy weight on my chest.

I knew Gabe's mother was right.

I would always be a fuck up. I mean, you can't exactly never be an addict ever again. One drink always turns into two; one blow one time turning into a lifetime of dependency to the point that I can't even properly care for my children.

I've always had the thought in the back of my head that Katrina only stuck around me because I was having Gemma... but what about everyone else? What about Colby?

Colby didn't even like me until he learned I was pregnant.

Did his instincts kick in like Sam? Like Kat? The need to protect this baby from its own mother?

Do people only stick around to catch my children when I fall?

Am I a forever fucked up mess like I've been made out to be? Am I truly so selfish that I can ruin lives? Lose friends? Relationships? Become dependent on substances?

How often do I say "I" instead of, "You" or "We"?

The feeling of a sharp warm sting caught my attention, my eyes frantically looking towards where the feeling came from, watching blood trickle down my arm.

My thumb swiped the blood away, my fingers adding pressure to the wound as I winced, cursing myself out for mindlessly causing myself harm when the bedroom door opened, Colby walking in and shutting it behind him.

It didn't take long for his eyes to find my wrist, his shoulders falling, "Leighton" he whispered, "What happened?"

"I don't mean to be self absorbed, I'm sorry" I whimpered, the bed dipping as Colby kneeled on it, moving his thighs to rest against my knees.

"Baby, you're not self absorbed. You're just scared, and that's okay. Why did you hurt yourself?"

"I didn't know it was happening until there was already blood" I shamefully confessed, "Felt like I deserved it though" I mumbled, my eyes squeezing shut as shame raced through my veins.

Just another one of Leighton's self absorbed, attention seeking episodes...

"Leighton, look at me" Colby's stern voice pulled my eyes open, his face blurred, "You feel this?" he asked, his hand moving to twist my engagement ring slightly on my finger, my head nodding, "I put this here, because I love you. Not because I want to save you. Not because I think you're destined to doom. I asked you to marry me, because I love you. I want you. I want a life with you. I want you to have my children and be their mom. I want you to be my spouse. Be my rock. Be someone who can keep me in line and hold me accountable. You feel this?" His hand moved down to my bump, softly caressing the skin, my head nodding again, "This beautiful bump that keeps our precious baby safe was put there out of love. Out of want. She may have been a surprise, but she will never be a mistake. Gemma isn't a mistake. You are not a mistake. You make mistakes but you are not one. No one is waiting to watch you fall. No one is sticking around only because of your children. This time, can I ask you something?" he asked, my head nodding slowly. "Are your tattoos hiding your secrets?" He asked, his hands moving to hold my wrists above my hand, his thumbs running over my wrists; my lip quivering as my eyes widened, telling him everything he needed to know; "You, Leighton Rae, are beautiful, perfect, the love of my life, a wonderful mother, the strongest person I know; Your trauma does not define you. Your past doesn't control you and your mind? It's just trying to protect you. I can't wait to buy a house with you, and continue to grow our family" his nose brushed against mine before his lips enclosed on my own, my tears falling against his own cheeks.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for being selfish and yelling at you to communicate, when I haven't properly done so myself-"

"Hey. Life's hard. We both know it. It's okay. We can't control what other people do, but I want you to know that I chose you. I wanted you and I'm doing my fucking best to pull my own shit together. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through these past few months"

"Do you think I can stay sober?" I asked quietly.

"I think you're capable of it"

"So you aren't sticking around because I'm carrying your baby?"

"No," he chuckled, "That's just a bonus. I can't wait to expand our family and watch you be a beautiful mother to our children" His lips moved down my tear stained jaw as he murmured words of affirmation and compliments against my skin, kissing down my collarbones before moving to my left wrist, kissing down my arm, stopping at my inner elbow before switching to the next.

"I've always loved your tattoos" he admitted quietly, "I love how they make you stand out. I love how I can get lost in them when your arms are wrapped around me in your sleep. I love trying to find hidden meanings in them, or wondering what some of the more random ones are for. I love how it blends together so nicely. the way the rose on your hand stands out. I love your ribcage tattoo; perfectly imperfect, and how it perfectly describes you. I love the cascading tattoo behind your ear that trails perfectly down your neck; one of my favorite places to kiss when you're asleep. I love your matching tattoos on your finger, and how you left a space for me to fill. I love the curve of your waist" his hands moved down to trail down my ribcage, settling on my hips, "And your beautiful markings down your thighs" his hands moved to spread against the side of my thighs, moving to rest on top of them. "I love all your little freckles and moles. The little imperfections on your skin make me love you a thousand times more" My legs spread for him, welcoming him to rest in-between my thighs, my arousal starting to dampen my underwear the lower his hands went, "May I?" he asked, my head quickly nodding as I hummed in approval, lifting my lips as his thumbs hooked the waistband of my pants, pulling them down my thighs, "I love your beautiful pussy and how incredible it is that you're going to push our baby out of it. Watching you do that with Gemma only made me appreciate it more. Want to.." he lowered on the bed, his breath against my wet folds making my breath hitch, "love on it more" he pressed a gentle kiss against my opening, my center clenching around nothing as I groaned, Colby matching me when his tongue came out to flick against my clenching center.

"Sex deprived?" he teased, my hips bucking up to meet his mouth.

"Don't be a tease, please" I begged, desperately wanting to feel my hormonal sex drive for the first time whilst being pregnant.

"I'm sorry, baby" he hummed, his mouth thankfully meeting my center as he began to work me towards the pleasure I was chasing.

The feeling of his tongue against my clit, or softly licking against my sensitive nerves had my back arching in no time as my hand came down, finding his hair.

"Come on baby" he hummed against me, bringing my clit into his mouth as his fingers teased my center; a loud moan rumbling my vocal cords as he slid two fingers in, pumping them slowly.

His fingertips brushed against my g-spot, my hips bucking, wanting more, but he refused. Keeping his fingers just out if reach from my sweet spot.

"You're clenching so hard around my fingers, Leignton" he chuckled, a groan leaving my lips when Colby moved onto his knees, leaving his fingers in me to toy with me some more as his mouth found my sensitive nipples.

That was one thing that never changed each time I was pregnant; my nipples were almost too sensitive.

A few kitten licks and kisses to my erect nipples and my world turned white as my want and need slid down my thighs; a loud moan getting cut off with a kiss from Colby. My eyes were squeezed shut as pleasure rippled through me. Desperately wanting to open my eyes and see Colby's became not a want, but a need.

Fighting against my own instincts, I finally got my green eyes to open, the look of Colby looking down at me with so much love and admiration made my chest thump quicker as I panted, his fingers slipping out of me, bringing them to his mouth to clean them off.

"Good god" I panted, a smile tugging on his lips.

"Been a while, hm?" He grinned, shimmying lower between my legs.

"What are you- oh" I moaned, Colby's tongue delicately cleaning me up.

"You came so hard" he noted, his finger easily slipping into me, a gasp leaving my lips due to how sensitive I was; Colby showing me his finger that was completely drenched in my cum.

By the time he was done, I was withering on the bed, unsure if I wanted him to stop, or keep going.

"It's been so long" I exhaled, Colby moving up my body, his erection against my thigh as he leaned down to kiss me.

"I love you, Leignton Rae. You're perfect for me. For our girls" he murmured tiredly.

Colby rolled over to the side, his head on the pillow next to mine, causing me to shift so I could view him.

"You're not going to fuck me?" I asked, confused why he'd stop, considering how hard he appeared to be.

"Tonights about you, baby. I'll be fine" he shot me a look, a frown appearing on my face.

"I can help you out too, ya know? Want my hand? My mouth? You could slide between my folds if you didn't lick me dry" I teased, carefully sitting up so I could try and straddle him, confusion making my stomach clench when he stopped me.

"I'm alright, baby"

Oh.

"Uh.. okay" I stumbled, embarrassment flooding through me.

Why'd he turn me down?

I couldn't help it as I began to think of all the reasons why.

Why would he bring me to an orgasm, and not want it returned? I'm more than willing....

"Leighton" he sighed, "I can hear your thoughts from here"

"Well" I snapped, pushing myself out of bed, stumbling slightly.

"Hey! Please be careful" he begged, quickly leaning across the bed to catch my arm, steadying me.

"Blame your bowling ball of a daughter" I grumbled, snatching my arm back as he groaned, flopping back into his previous position.

"Leighton" he sighed again, "Why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad"

"Leighton" his voice dragged out, a knowing tone telling me my bullshit was wearing thin on him.

Ditto.

"What?" I snapped, turning to face him.

"Are you seriously mad that I won't let you blow me?" He asked, moving to lean up on his elbows.

My eyes rolled as I stayed quiet, Colby's chest deflating.

"Baby, I'd love for you too.. but.. but I just.."

"Just what, Colby? You just what? Spit it out already! — Was it pity? Is that what just happened? You found the mother of your child crying and you decided 'You know what will fix this? A good orgasm'" I scoffed, "Screw you!" I yelled, his eyes widening.

"Leighton, stop self-destructing! That's not true and you know it" he argued back, surprising me, but I kept my face stoic.

"What's your fucking problem?! One second you're overly affectionate and the next you act like my touch is going to burn you! Am I not attractive to you anymore?" I asked, my breathing becoming shallow, "Because if you don't like me anymore, you can leave. Don't stay here with me if you're unhappy. If... if.. if there's someone.. someone else, I.. I understand" I struggled, hating how deep those words cut, making it impossible to keep my I don't give a fuck voice.

The way he froze didn't go unnoticed, in fact, it cracked my heart.

"Wait" I whimpered, "There's.... there's someone else?" I asked, feeling my entire world shatter around me. "I just.. I was just.. I was just saying that" my voice wobbled. "I-" my breathing became more rapid and something switched in Colby; his eyes widening as what appeared to be realization hitting of what was happening.

"No! No. There isn't anyone else. Oh my god, please don't cry! I know I was quiet, it was shock! Leighton, wait" he panicked, quickly scurrying off the bed over to me, his hands reaching out for me.

I quickly took a few steps back, betrayal pumping through my veins.

"Who is she? Is she pretty?" I asked. "Does she have less baggage?"

"There is no other girl baby" he tried to console me which only made my anger front quicker.

"YOU CHEATER! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled, his eyes wide.

"Leighton-"

"NO! You don't get to have your cake and eat it too!"

"Leighton!" His hands grabbed my arms, forcing me to look at him, "There. Is. No. Other. Girl. If you need to look through my phone to trust me, fine. But there is no other girl. It's just you, babe. I didn't want any sexual favors in return because you were just crying. What I did was all for you, about you. To love on you. I don't want tonight to be about me. I'm perfectly fine taking a cold shower"

"No.. no. It's uh, it's okay" I back peddled, "I don't need to see your phone. I trust you. I'm sorry I.. I'm sorry I accused you of cheating. It's just.. god, I'm sorry" i exhaled, my head hanging low.

I can believe I just embarrassed myself like that.

"It's okay. I'm sorry I didn't immediately say anything. I was just shocked" he explained again, my head nodding.

I glanced down forwards his crotch, seeing the area a lot smaller now.

Colby followed my gaze, a light chuckle leaving his lips; "It's hard to be hard when your fiance is screaming and crying that you cheated on her"

"God" I groaned, "I'm so embarrassed. I just... I just thought that if you didn't want me, there had to be a reason. Oh my god I sound psychotic!" I rubbed my hand over my eye, wishing we could just forget everything that just happened. "I'm so sorry" I apologized, Colby pulling me into his muscular arms.

"We're both a little crazy" he snickered, his hand coming up to filt my chin upwards, leaning down to softly kiss me. "We'd be boring if we didn't have a little ounce of crazy here and there. Gotta keep things interesting" he smirked, kissing me again.

"We have more than just an ounce of crazy" I laughed, "Me, by myself could probably keep the business running"

"And yet I still put a ring on your finger" he grinned.

"Hey! I'm not the one marrying the crazy! — You know what's worse than marrying the crazy?"

"Hm?"

"Putting a baby in the crazy. That's a life long commitment ya know" I joked, Colby's eyes twinkling making my stomach flutter.

"And I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat"

* * * *

I'm still trying to figure out how I want to add smut into fanfics cus I tend to add too many details due to writing one shot smut fics... so uh, if this one sucks, I apologize lol.

Sorry for the lack of Gemma, she'll be back! lol

This was supposed to be out two weeks ago....

Written on: July 10th, 19th, 20th, 23rd, 24th, 26th, 30th, 31st , August 2nd 2023

Published on: August 2nd 2023

Word Count: 7909

Part Nineteen

[britswriting]

Devotion (14)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

What does one wear on a date with their fiancé in their own apartment when they're on the verge of a breakup?

Pants? A dress? Heels? Flats? A jacket? Hair curled or straight? How much makeup is too much makeup? Is any of this even worth it?

I groaned as I saw the mess I had made of my room, the clothes from my suitcase littered across the floor.

Why didn't I pack date clothes?

What? Did I not think my fiancé and I would have a date night? My bad.

"Hey bug" I greeted, hearing the basement door creak as Gemma wandered in.

"Wha' doin'?" She mumbled, rubbing at her eye as she slowly sauntered over to me, ending up draping her tired body against me as I snatched the thrown clothes off the ground.

"Tryna find an outfit to wear for Coco" 

"Why?" She softly asked, sitting down on the floor, leaning against me, making it impossible to grab the articles of clothing that weren't within arms.

"Because momma wants to look nice for Coco. Do you want to help me?" I asked, Gemma slowly nodding, "What should I wear, bug?"

Gemma immediately perked up, shoving herself off the ground and immediately digging through my suitcase, taking out everything I had just put back.

"Wook pwetty, momma?" Gemma asked, her lips pursed as she picked up an article of clothing, looked at it, and tossed it aside.

Did she just judge my clothes?

I patiently waited as she chose my clothes, taking quick glances at my phone before deciding I better take the reins or we'll be here all night.

I grabbed a skirt that I tossed in here for a job interview in a few days, manipulating Gemma into thinking it was her choice, Gemma handing me a striped sleep shirt to pair with it.

Um.

No.

"How about we chose something that is either white or black?" I asked, knowing I had a few options for interview outfits in here, giving her limited options to choose from.

I wanted to look nice for him tonight. I wanted to truly try and put effort in. I can't be showing up in pajamas-

I slipped on one of Colby's dress shirts, a blush covering my cheeks at the realization; how did they get in here?

I left a few buttons undone, tucking it into the tight black shirt, my forehead creasing as adjusted the waistline, making sure it wasn't pushing in too hard on my bump.

I'm so going to regret this skirt.

I've begun hitting that stage in the pregnancy where nothing fits, and if it does fit, you're not allowed to eat or else that button is popping open or the waistline is way too tight on the bump.

Surprisingly I've done pretty well with my body image. I think it helps that I never fully lost my baby weight with Gemma, so the extra rolls, the extra weight or even just the way my hips now sat in my jeans, I got used to it.

It's been a long journey on accepting the extra skin, the thick thighs, the change of shape in my breasts — especially since breastfeeding, things definitely looked different, and I was okay with that.

My body gave me a baby, and it's doing it again, and as much as it freaks me out that there is a baby growing inside of me again, it's just as incredible that I'm able to do this.

Gemma has brought so much love and laughs to my life, that honestly, I was ecstatic to be doing it again, even with my relationship problems.

I knew Colby can be a good dad. I've seen it with Gemma, and I knew he could be a good partner, because he has been before; it's just a rough patch.... at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

"What do you think, G?" I did a careful spin, miscellaneous clothing items being a possible tripping hazard in this room now.

"Black" She said, staring at me, making me laugh.

"Yes, it is black"

Her face scrunched up, "Why?"

"What do you mean? Do you not like the way I look?" I frowned, feeling judgment from my almost four year old.

My toddler is not allowed to make me cry before my date.

What's wrong with my outfit? I thought I looked hot?

"Wook pwetty, momma! But.. why.. why no erple?" She frowned, picking up the tossed aside sleep shirt.

"Because I wanted to dress up, bug"

"But.. but erple?"

"Would it make you happy if I wore the purple shirt, bug?" I asked, Gemma quickly nodding, my shoulders dropping in defeat as I unbuttoned Colby's dress shirt, and tossing on the baggy sleep shirt.

There went my confidence.

"YAY!" She cheered and I gave her a small pathetic smile, tossing a curt nod as I glanced at myself in the mirror.

This shirt was a shirt I wore when I was pregnant with Gemma. It was really baggy, old — it had ratty tears in it in many places,  and  it dropped about mid upper thigh.

I decided to suck it up, tucking it into the shirt, hating the way it bunched; but I figured I could snatch the dress shirt into my bag before I left.

I hugged and kissed Gemma goodnight, tucking her into my old bed, letting my dad know before heading out; my cheeks reddening when he complimented my outfit.

"Are you coming home tonight?" he asked, watching me stuff the dress shirt into my bag.

"That's the plan, Gem- G picked my shirt" I corrected, not wanting to say my mothers name in front of him right now, "I figured I can switch it out in the car" I chuckled, silently thanking Gemma for holding her ground and not having me walk upstairs with Colby's shirt half undone as I said goodbye to my father.

Maybe the sleep shirt wasn't so bad after all..

It felt wrong to ring the bell, waiting to be welcomed into my own home.

I made sure his shirt wasn't too wrinkled, messing with the waistline of these shorts when the door opened.

"Hey- oh my god" he exhaled, his eyes ranking over my body, my skin feeling like it was on fire.

He was also dressed black on black, a silent chuckle rumbling my chest as I thought about Gemma's concern with my outfit.

"You look beautiful, Leighton" he complimented, and before I could thank him he spoke again, "God, you're bump. I forgot how breathtaking you look pregnant" He sighed, taking me in once again, smirking when the heart ran across my face.

"Don't get any bright ideas, Brock. One baby at a time" I teased, running my hand through my hair, attempting to distract the butterflies that sent my stomach in a whirl as his eyes stayed trained on me.

I followed Colby in, slipping off my shoes before I regretted it later, knowing damn well pregnancy and heels don't mix.

He got to see the look, they did their purpose. I'd rather not have pins and needles in my feet, or my ankles be bigger than my stomach.

"Is that my shirt?" he questioned, his eyes fixating on the undone buttons, lingering on my exposed chest.

"Mhm"

"You look... wow" He exhaled, his eyes ranking me once again, 

"Thanks. You look like you" I teased, Colby rolling his eyes.

"I didn't have many options. A lot of my stuff doesn't fit anymore" he sighed, my brow furrowing.

"You look nice. We match" I grinned, motioning between the two of us, "And this place.. I mean, wow. You outdid yourself" I smiled, really taking in my surroundings.

The stupid twinkle lights were up hanging proudly on the wall; not balled up in the corner like last time. There was a flickering candle on the coffee table that faintly wafted the scent of lavender and peppermint, my eyes tearing up as my lips began to pout.

"Colby" I whined, desperately wanting to hug and kiss him; where did he even find that?

The comforting waft of peppermint immediately eased my nerves as the calming aroma of the lavender put me at ease.

"How did you know?" I questioned, knowing damn well his memory wasn't good enough to remember such a niche detail from almost 5 years ago.

"I saw that you were still using peppermint oil. It was on your nightstand, and the lavender soap scrub was in the bathroom. I was originally looking for just a peppermint candle since I knew that was your go to, clearly, but I found this and thought, might as well give it a try" he shrugged, acting like this was no big deal.

"Where did you get the candle from? How did you find that?" I questioned, breathing in the beautiful mixture of scents that tended to ease my nausea.

"I got it express shipped from a UK retailer" He said, the beautiful twinkle shining bright in his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Colby, that had to of cost a fortune!" I began to reprimand, shocked he would do that for me.

"Don't worry about it" He reassured, my eyes instinctively rolling. "Did you at least buy them in bulk?" I asked, his eyes widening, "Shit"

"Colby!" I laughed loudly, "Well, it was the thought that counts. We'll just have to use it sparsely" I giggled, taking another inhale of the somewhat triggering, but easing scent, "Thank you" I smiled, my cheeks tightening, the feeling being welcomed.

I missed feeling this happy around him.

I missed smiling and laughing with him. Joking around, and just simply making fun of each other.

I missed him being my best friend, the person who I could always count on, no matter what time it was, or where he was in the world. 

"We should eat before it gets cold" he announced and I nodded, following him into our tiny kitchen, Colby's flickering the light off, allowing the candles to light up the area.

Colby confessed to having ordered takeout, and ditching the containers in the trash once I complimented the dish, my stomach bloating from how much food I consumed.

I knew I'd regret this skirt.

Thankfully since my bedroom was down the hall and I could just switch into comfy clothes, the baggy sleep shirt Gemma instated I wore coming in handy.

"I was afraid of burning something and ruining everything, or even setting off the fire alarm and creating a catastrophe, so I figured this was the safer route since you're usually the one who cooks"

"I told you I'd teach you" I reminded him, knowing we've never found time since after dinner we had to start Gemma's bedtime routine.

"Maybe that can be another date night" he winked, my heart melting at the sight of him.

I hated how easy it was for him to make me putty in his hands, even after everything that's happened.

The two of us sat on the couch, both of us a little stiff, the room falling quiet.

It felt like I was on a first date with a stranger and I hated it.

I hated how easily we could go from laughing like we've known each other for years, like we planned on marrying each other one day, to acting like we've never met one another and this was our first ever greeting all over again.

"How has the pregnancy been going? I'm sorry I haven't been attentive. I know that doesn't mean much, and I know you hate hearing me say that, but I truly am sorry I've been so caught up in myself that I forgot-"

"About me?" I finished for him, Colby looking like a scolded puppy. "I've done it alone before Colby" I reminded him, hating the way he flinched at my words. "I can do it again"

"You shouldn't have to"

"You're right, I shouldn't, but that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes"

"But that's not a mess I want you to have to clean up"

"Good. Because you're cleaning it" I snapped, immediately regretting it, "Sorry" I quickly apologized, not wanting to ruin our night by fighting.

"No, you're right. It is my mess, and I promise, I'm trying"

"I know, and I need to stop throwing it in your face. I apologize for snapping"

It was quiet for a moment until Colby cleared his throat, turning to face me, "This might be a weird question, but can I see your bump?" he asked softly, his voice hesitant like he was worried that I was a ticking time bomb.

I let out a breathy chuckle, "I mean, it's your baby" shifting to push myself off the couch, moving to lift up my shirt and show him my stomach.

"It's your body" He shot back and I sighed, lifting up my shirt, allowing my stomach, stretch marks and all to be shown to him for the first time in months.

"Housing our baby. Your baby is in here, Colby" I rubbed my hand from the top of my stomach to the bottom. "I mean, it's a big ass baby, my stomach is a lot bigger this time around than it was with Gemma" I snickered, showing him from different angles. 

"Can I..?" He reached his hand out and I nodded, feeling his large hand lay against my stomach. "It's so weird to do this again. I mean, the last time I did this, it was Gemma, and she's going to be four in just a few months. That's crazy" Colby expressed and I nodded, placing my hand over his.

"I can't believe I have a four year old. I mean, I have to go do preschool tours with Gabe next month" I chuckled, "And I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous. I mean, I know she'll do okay. She does fine away from me, but that girl... good lord, my daughter is getting an attitude"

I heard him stifle his chuckle, letting it out fully when I swatted him.

"I know! I know! Shut up!" I scolded, my laugh breaking through as Colby's arms wrapped around me, pulling me in between his legs, moving me so I was sat on his left leg, his left arm around my waist as his right hand rested on my stomach.

"When's the next appointment?" He asked, his voice soft as his eyes trained in on my stomach.

"If you stare too long you're gonna make me insecure" I joked, getting him to look back at me, ready to apologize only for him to catch my lingering smirk, an eye roll making me laugh.  "My next appointment isn't technically for a few months, but uh.. I've been meaning to talk to you" I began, feeling bad when I watched the redness of his flushed cheeks simmer down, the eyebags becoming more noticeable. "Nothing bad" I quickly eased him, watching the relief ease the tension in his muscles, "It's just that well, because I'm going to be approaching 16 weeks" his eyes widened, his lips parting, but I continued, "We could get bloodwork done and possibly find out the gender of the baby if we didn't want to wait till 20 weeks for that appointment scan"

"Bloodwork?" He questioned and I nodded. "How does that work?"

"Well if I have a double x chromosome.. it's a girl, and if there is only one x chromosome.. it's a boy. Because the double x chromosome indicates there's another girl in me. It's not just my singular chromosome, versus if there is just my chromosome in my bloodwork, the baby would be a Y chromosome" I tried to explain, hoping my MD license from Google would be good enough for him.

The second I saw the look of confusion fill his facial features, I knew I was doomed.

Chuckling, I tried again, "So, in my blood work they can see my chromosomes obviously. A girl is an x, a boy is a y, how the whole gender thing is formed or whatever. So like, yours is a Y in your work if they look at it or whatever" I began to ramble, completely fumbling over everything I was told in my brain as I tried to relay the information. "And if mine has two X's.. well.." I chuckled, the nerves creeping up in fear of having to try and explain this again.

"And you can do that when?"

"Uh.. I think week 14? I know I'm past the date, like we could do it whenever"

"Do you want to do that?" He asked, surprising me.

He wasn't going to demand that we make the appointment immediately?

"I mean, I'd be down to do it this way. I already got the way I dreamt of, of the doctor telling me it's a girl"

"Do you want to find out through the doctor in the sense of them telling you from the bloodwork, or do you want to do the classic gender reveal party?"

"I mean, why can't we do both? We find out through the bloodwork, and then tell maybe G and everyone else at a party? Not like, anything extravagant but like, I'm sure we could get crafty and also be safe"

"We're not doing balloons, or poppers. Those are annoying to clean up. No silly string either" He immediately vetoed.

"No cake either. That's boring"

"Well there went all the good ideas" he laughed, a grin taking over my face, my eyes flickering down to where his hand was still resting against my bare stomach, his thumb moving back and forth above my belly button.

"I'm sure we can think of something. Especially with how much G and my dad love art, then like, maybe we could hang it in the nursery or something— ohmygod!" I quickly spat out, "I can finally do a nursery wall!"

"Well it looks like you've got it all figured out already, took you about five seconds" He laughed, my cheeks warming up as I shifted against his leg, suddenly very aware of how close we were, and how chaotic my brains rambling went.

"Well I don't know how I want to do it yet"

"How have you been feeling? You seem to be doing better this time compared to Gemma" he asked, his hand still against my stomach, not allowing me to get up from his lap.

"Gemma killed my back and my boobs for sure, this one is giving me bad acne. I mean, I think Gemma made my skin flare up but I don't remember. The nausea with this one though... good god" I exhaled, very thankful for the waft of peppermint surrounding us.

"I'm sorry pregnancy is hard on you. You wear it beautifully though, Leighton"

"That's a load of BS!" I cackled, my head thrown back at the idea of me looking beautiful whilst pregnant.

I look like a wreck.

The layers of makeup were wiped from my face, the darkness under my eyes evident of my stress, the acne littering my skin, ready to be popped or haven already been popped, whether it be from the stress, or this baby, messing with my confidence of leaving the house bare faced, my baggy sleep shirt bunched up at my hips and across the top of my stomach as my yoga pants hung low on my hips.

There was nothing beautiful about being bloated, sick and covered in acne.

"Leighton, I understand you don't see it, but just knowing my baby is in here" his hand rubbed my stomach, "gives you this glow in my eyes. I can acknowledge that you look tired, worn down, and that this is hard for you, but god, you look beautiful and not only proud of you, but incredibly thankful. You're growing another beautiful baby for me to love up on. You're an incredible mother Leighton. I truly can't tell you that enough and I'm sorry that things have been so... rough, lately" 

God I wanted to kiss him.

I so badly wanted to just lean in and kiss him; it's been so long, but I knew I couldn't.

I couldn't just give in because he said a few nice words. I deserved better than him telling me I looked pretty. I deserved seeing him make the changes. Not just telling me.

I can't kiss him, but god did I want to.

I cleared my throat, carefully getting up from his lap and adjusting my clothing, "So I should make the appointment then?" I asked, the twinkle in his eye dimming as he nodded. "Do you have any days that don't work?" 

"I uh, I have community service this weekend" Colby muttered, tugging on his lower lip.

"Oh" 

"Yeah.."

"Okay, well, um, the weekdays are fine?" I stumbled, completely spacing everything that has happened, this evening painting everything in a whole new light.

Colby nodded, "As far as I know"

Silence fell among us, Colby's eyes glued to me as my eyes flickered elsewhere.

"I ruined this, didn't I?" He muttered, gaining my attention back.

"Hm?"

"This evening. I shouldn't have said anything"

"No. It's not that it's ruined.. I just uh, I forgot, sorry"

"I don't like this" He admitted, my face scrunching, "The awkwardness and silence anytime it's brought up" he clarified and I nodded slowly.

"What am I supposed to say, Colby?"

"I don't need you to say anything. I just don't like how quiet you get"

"It's a lot to process, okay?" I snapped, taking a deep breath, blowing it out through my lips as my eyes fluttered shut.

Before my brain could start to spiral, Colby was immediately replying, "What is there to process? You didn't do—"

"Not to be selfish here" I interrupted, "But you seem to forget how hard this shit is for other people" I grumbled, my hand coming up to rub at my eye, "This shit sucks, Colby. It sucks for you, it sucks for me, it sucks for Gemma and I know that it's hard. It's been hard. it's going to be hard, but it brings back memories, okay? It's not always about you. My silence isn't disappointment, frustration, or anger. It's just a lot to process, okay?"

"What is there to process-" he started, my frustration building, causing me to interrupt him as I groaned, "I hate when you do this"

"Do what?"

"Invalidate my feelings just because the situation was caused by you. I get this shit is hard for you. I do. I just......." I sighed, "It brings back bad memories, okay? I hate thinking about you going to jail, getting arrested, doing community service. It brings back horrific memories from when I was there, okay? I don't understand how it doesn't for you"

"My time in jail wasn't horrendous, Leighton"

"Good for you? Do you want a gold fucking metal?" I hiss, glaring.

"Can we please not ruin the night? I'm sorry I brought it up— you just had asked..."

"I know, I'm sorry I just.. I don't want to think about it, okay? I'll make the appointment and let you know and then we can figure out how we want to do the party. I need to get going—"

"What? You're leaving?"

"Colby" I sighed, my shoulders falling, "You can't expect me to stay? I have Gemma to care for, I have work in the morning. I don't— We aren't there yet" I quickly tried to explain, hoping he was understanding and this didn't blow up in my face.

"Okay, okay, wait" he quickly stood up, moving to be in front of me, "I wanted to ask you if you could take a few days off of work? Maybe in like two weeks or so?"

"What about Katrina's birthday?"

"Leighton Rae, fixing this shit is far more important to me than Kat's birthday, I just, I thought about us going back to that Airbnb. That castle place, where everything started"

"Just the two of us? That place is far too big for that—" I quickly dismissed, not wanting Colby to waste his money on a place that was far too big for us.

I could see the defeat written all over his face until the twinkle in his eye came back, "What if we asked Sam and Kat? Invite them like old times? Maybe Logan and Cynthia? April and Kevin? Do like a couples retreat. Not just my friends, but our friends?" He suggested, the excitement in his tone making me feel antsy.

"On that short of notice? Colby, not everyone can take time off at the drop of a hat—"

"Leighton" He groaned, "Be spontaneous!" 

"I'm being realistic Colby! We're all working adults who don't have as flexible schedule as you, Sam and Kat do. That's a lot to ask what, 4? 6? People do to on such short notice. It's hard to have done. I don't want us to get stuck with this rental when no one can come. It's not just an influencer party anymore. I like the idea just as much as you do, I just don't see how it's going to work. Especially with everything coming up. I mean, I have Gemma's school tours, we have baby appointments, birthdays. I want it just as much as you do, but I can't just hit pause and resume whenever I want to, and what about the kids? All of us have kids" I worried, hating how I always seemed to be crushing his excitement, all because life was busy and I struggled to find time to do his spontaneous activities. 

"Why can't you trust that everything is going to work out? Just take a risk, babe" 

I took a deep breath, contemplating my options.

Either I say yes and this bites me in the ass later, or I say no and be a killjoy yet again.

It sounded fun. Going back, reliving some of those memories, having fun with people we all get along with. I can see where he's coming from, but how are we supposed to swing this? Who's going to watch the kids? How are we supposed to get x amount of days off work in such a short notice? What if something happens to Gemma whilst I'm gone? or this baby? or my mom? How am I just supposed to be spontaneous and up and leave, even if he is giving me a head start?

Before I could overthink it anymore, I found the words "Okay" falling from my lips, Colby's eyes sparkling as a grin took over his face.

"We'll figure it out, I promise" He quickly reassured me, pulling me into a hug.

"We better" I murmured, allowing my arms to squeeze against his waist

~

My world fell upside down almost immediately.

"We don't have forever Gabriel! She needs to go to preschool" I grumbled, my entire body feeling like it was going to explode as we were told for the fourth time that she'd be on a two year waiting list.

"Leighton, there is nothing we can do" He argued back, both of us stood in the parking lots of Little Tot's Preschool, arms crossed as we did what we did best. Fight.

"There has to be something! We can't just hold her back for a year, Gabe! By the time she'll be let in, the new excuse is that she's too old! Hell, she'll be old enough for kindergarten by then!"

"What do you want me to do, Leighton? We can't homeschool her and nowhere near us is accepting new students. With you working and me in school, we have no time to drive hours away every day just to get her off to school"

"What about Zara?" I asked, hating the way her name sounded between the two of us in this situation. I could feel the immediate regret stirring in my stomach as Gabriel tossed me a look.

"What about her?"

"Can't she help?" I desperately asked, truly running out of all options here.

"You want me to ask my girlfriend to drive hours away every day for my daughter? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"

"What else am I supposed to do, Gabe! We're running out of options! No one told me she needed to go on some sort of fucking waiting list the second she was fucking born! She's going to be four! By the time she's enrolled, she'll already be on the cusp of being too old!"

"So then fuck preschool and just wait for kindergarten" he grumbled, acting like this was just a fuck all statement.

"She needs preschool, Gabe. She needs the environment. Time with other kids, away from me and my dad, to be her own person! She can't go to tumbling gym forever. She's getting to old for the one she's in now and I don't know if I can afford the next class up. She needs somewhere to go to play and learn and grow! We've got to figure this out" 

"We're running out of preschools Leighton, there isn't anything we can do about that"

I stayed quiet, my arms falling down to my sides as I began to feel defeated.

Why did preschool feel like climbing Mt. Everest?

"Where does Noel go?" He asked, getting me to take my gaze off of the loose pebbles near my feet.

"Here. Little Tot's Preschool. The one with the waiting list that's longer than my graduating class" I huffed, wishing this could just be a done deal, but no. Of course it isn't. When is anything ever fucking easy for me.

"I don't know what to tell you, Leighton. I don't think we can get her in on time" he shrugged, acting like this was no big deal.

Was I crazy? Why was I the only one who cared?

The car ride to Gabe's was quiet, my brain numb to everything going on, Gabe's soft hum to the radio creating a buzz in my ear.

Why couldn't anything go right? Why was this all so fucking difficult?

I hopped out of Gabe's car, Gabe letting me in his house, quickly finding Gemma doing a puzzle on the floor with Zara.

"Hi Mommy!" She smiled at me before looking back down at her princess puzzle.

"Hi bug. Have fun?" I questioned, sending Zara a tight lipped thankful smile.

"Yessss! Oh! MOMMA! Look!" She darted up, running off towards their dining room, my feet quickly trailing behind her. "Fishes!" She squealed, pointing at their new glass aquarium, "Zara let me help make it pwetty!"

"You did such a good job G" I praised, Gemma grinning from ear to ear as she showed me all the different fishes and the different décor items she picked out.

"Was she good for you?" I asked Zara, turning to look over my shoulder as she approached us.

"We had fun today. Did you guys find a school?" She asked, snickering when I let out a loud sigh, "Take that as a no?"

"It's just hard, that's all" I shrugged, Zara opening the cabinet to grab some fish food, helping Gemma take a pinch and sprinkle it throughout the water. "Every place has like the longest waiting list ever. I just wish it was easier, ya know?"

"What if you tried an advanced daycare center, rather than a formal preschool? Similar concept, no?" She suggested, and I knew it was a good idea, but it wasn't what I wanted.

"I want her to be in a class setting is the issue. It's shorter days than kindergarten, kind of like preparing her for kindergarten, she gets to learn, rather than just play"

"What if you asked your fiancé?" Gabe suggested, ignoring the weird look I was giving him.

"Ask Colby? About what?"

"About preschool"

"What is talking to Colby about preschool going to help us in the fact that I can't get her enrolled before she's 6?"

"He has money, doesn't he?" Gabe said and it all hit me, my jaw dropping.

"We are not bribing the preschool, Gabriel!" 

"It's just an option" He defended, "He's got the money, why not use it?"

"Gabriel!" I scolded, Zara standing next to me, just as shocked, "We can't bribe a preschool!"

"You can't ask Colby to do that, Gabe" Zara agreed, thankfully taking my side.

"Well what do you suggest we do then? Because clearly you don't want to wait"

"I don't want her first class experience to be kindergarten! That sounds like a bad idea" I argued, Gemma too enamored by the fish to care about us arguing.

"We don't have many options Leighton" Gabe said for the hundredth time, only adding to my stress and frustration.

"What about Minnesota?" I shot out, Gabe looking astonished.

"Minnesota? For preschool? Are you out of your damn mind?"

"I'm thinking outside the box!" I argued, chewing on my cheek as I watched him shake his head.

"What, you're just going to move to Minnesota for like six months so she can go to preschool and then move back? That's crazy, Leighton"

"What about homeschool?" I suggested, getting the exact same head shake as before, "Gabe!" I started to whine.

"Who has time for that? You're walking all the time, I'm working and in school, she's working, Colby's doing god knows what, I'm not having him homeschool our child, we sure as hell can't ask our parents! That's not an option Leighton"

I could feel my eyes prickle with tears as I searched my brain for any possible way of getting my child enrolled into preschool, not wanting to ask Colby about fucking bribing the administration of a damn preschool.

"Please don't start crying. You know I can't handle you crying" Gabe expressed, Zara and Gemma having left the room, leaving us alone.

"I'm not crying for attention, I'm just really fucking overwhelmed right now" I sniffled, running my finger under my eye, catching the tear droplets before they cascaded down my cheeks, ruining my mascara. "I've got my own shit going on, and this, I just.. I wanted this to be easy, okay? I don't know what to do, but I don't want her starting preschool when she's five, or entering kindergarten extremely overwhelmed all because she's never been in that sort of class setting, and now all I can think about is if this is what it's going to be like every time. I mean, what the fuck are we going to do for kindergarten? That's a whole other ballgame Gabe!" I worried, immediately thinking about trying to put the unborn baby into preschool and get Gemma off to school... "I have a million things to do tomorrow, I need to get going" I sighed, scoping out the living space for my daughter, "I guess we'll just see what happens." I mumbled, not having a good feeling about this whole preschool waiting list.

The car ride back to my parents house was quiet peaceful, Gemma having fallen asleep in the back, and thankfully waking up at my parents house in a pretty good mood.

I raced Gemma up the stairs, making it a big deal when she won, smiling at her beautiful giggles before following her down the hall to my moms room, Gemma crawling up onto the bed, a big smile on her face as she laid down next to my mom. "Nonna!" She squealed, snuggling close to my mom, melting and breaking my heart all at the same time.

I listened to Gemma talk my moms ear off about today, catching myself yet again wishing about how different things could've been.

Why couldn't my mom be in the kitchen? or in the backyard? or greeting us at the door with a big smile and open arms, egging on Gemma about her day? Not laying here, in her bed looking like with one wrong move, it could be fatal.

I went through the evening motions, making dinner, getting Gemma ready for tomorrow, making sure my mom was good, helping my dad, and when my phone buzzed as I was getting Gemma tucked into bed, I felt myself wanting to shut it off completely. 

"Coco!" Gemma squealed, Colby's photo flashing against the screen.

Please don't let it be something bad.

I can't take anymore.

"Hello?" I hummed, "You're on speaker with Gemma and I. She's getting ready for bed" I announced, not wanting him to say anything she shouldn't hear.

"Oh. Sorry, I forgot" He hummed, my heart sinking.

Have we really been that out of routine lately?

"It's okay, Gemma, do you want to say goodnight to Coco?" I asked softly, trying not to get her too wound up.

Gemma immediately took the phone from my hand, shuffling under her covers, and rolling away from me; "Hi Coco!" She greeted, the happiness in her tone making me feel like the worst person to walk on this earth.

How could I take him away from her? 

Was I protecting her, or hurting her?

"Hi Gem Gem! Mommy said you're going night night?" Colby asked, his tone matching hers.

"Yep" she popped her p, a giggle leaving my lips. "Mommy say, say I go night night so... so I not.. not moody" She giggled, "I see, see 'Arper 'marrow, Coco!"

"You better go to bed then, Gemma. So you can see Harper sooner" He coaxed, my heart beating just a little bit quicker for him.

I blew out hot air, Gemma and Colby exchanging I love you's.

I loved watching him fill the dad roll.

Just listening to him talk to her, watching him teach her things, snuggle her; just be there for her. It really did something to my heart and soul.. I just hated that it wasn't like this all the time.

"Coco say night night stowy?" Gemma asked, her speech beginning to slur as she cuddled closer to her blankets.

"A night night story?" He jokingly huffed, "I dunno Gem, I don't know if I can fit you into my busy schedule" he teased.

"Peas!" She begged, a smile widening on my face as I watched her face scrunch up, bringing my phone closer to her mouth.

"Alright. I'll tell you a bedtime story if you go to bed for momma, okay?" he bargained, Gemma immediately agreeing.

"Once upon a time there was this boy named....... Rocko!" Colby started, Gemma fully intrigued by now, "And Rocko was very.. frustrated and mad, and lonely" He emphasized, my eyebrows pulling together. Lonely? Where is this going? "And then Rocko met this beautiful girl named... um.. Marissa! And uh, Marissa was in need of a place to stay because she was having a baby" he continued, Gemma humming along. What is he doing? "And Rocko didn't know that, so Marissa and Rocko didn't really get along.. but then, they started to hang out all the time and Rocko ended up feeling sorry for how he treated Marissa. He hated knowing that his own problems caused a rift between Marissa and him, not knowing that Marissa was already struggling" Oh.

"Colby?" I cut him off, Gemma looking over at me, "What are you doing?"

"Telling her a bedtime story, now be quiet" He softly lectured, clearing his throat, "Where was I?—"

"Wocko and 'Rissa hang out!"

"That's right! Rocko and Marissa started hanging out, and Rocko ended up finding out he was really starting to like Marissa, and wanted to fix his mistakes and help her out.. and then Rocko learned he was falling in love with Marissa" He spoke softly, "But Marissa didn't want Rocko"

"Why not?" Gemma frowned, my heart clenching at the memories.

Why was he doing this?

"Marissa had a lot going on, bug. Life for her was really hard and no matter what Rocko did, it never was enough to make her want him then, and then... Marissa had her beautiful baby girl" I could picture the smile on his face, practically melting right then and there, "And everything changed" 

"Rissa baby make Rissa wove Wocko?" Gemma questioned, her tired voice muffled by the thoughts of the day Gemma was born.

I ran my hand over my bump, thinking about when Colby and Amber brought me to the hospital, and Colby helped me with contractions, Gabe's annoying voice making me feel like my contractions were only going to get worse. 

God this baby better not be sunny side up or I will riot for a c-section.

Everything with this pregnancy was different. I so far haven't had any risk concerns, my weight wasn't concerning, my blood work has been okay, my iron deficiency hasn't been horrendous, I haven't passed out, I haven't had any soreness in my breasts or too much back pain. Sure things have hurt here and there as my bump has grown, but it all felt night and day compared to Gemma, and it really made me wonder if this baby was a boy.

I mean, you hear those stories of how girl pregnancies are the absolute worst, and a boy pregnancy is easy breezy.

The idea of having a boy and a girl felt weird.

Granted, it would be the perfect all American combo, but the idea of having a little mini me of Colby felt unimaginable.

Sure it would be adorable, but I can't imagine myself as a boy mom.

I was never one to really love the dirt and the grim and the bugs... let alone the fact that if they pee during a diaper change.. it's not just going to go on the washable pad. It's going to hit you in the fucking face, and honestly, I don't know if I can handle having to doge pee every time I change a diaper.

 But then again, the thought of having another girl seemed like a nightmare. 

I mean, two Gemma's? How am I supposed to survive that?

The attitude, the hormones, my fucking genetics, I'd be doomed.

God my genetics.

Seeing Gemma start to get my attitude was a whole other therapy session in itself.

I mean, not only do I have a mini me, but I have a mini me.

How far does the carbon copy go? 

Sure she looks more like Gabe, but if she has my personality, will she have my mental problems as well? My addiction issues? 

It's not like I can control her and never have her touch a single substance in her life. The thought of passing down those issues to my children terrifies me. I've never wanted my child to be less like me than I have now.

"Leighton?" Colby's fairly loud voice pulled me out of my thoughts, my finger quickly catching a tear that started to fall down my face.

"Hm?" I mumbled, trying to rid my throat of the built up emotion.

"Is Gemma asleep? She stopped making noise as a reply" He asked, my blurred vision flickering to my child, her eyes shut, lips parted as her chest movements were slow and even.

"Uh, yeah, she's out, um, thank you" I sniffled, shuffling to stand up, starting to feel a little more top heavy than I used to, being careful not to press my weight against the mattress and wake Gemma.

"Of course. I'd do anything for her. Are you alright? You sound like you've been—"

"No, no. I'm fine" I interrupted, slipping out the door once the white noise was playing, leaving the door cracked with the hall light on for her.

"Leighton" Colby's voice dripping in sympathy echoed in the hallway. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong" I mumbled, carefully walking down the stairs, finding the living room pitch black, my father having gone up to bed already. "Shit" I cursed, my hand gripping the banister as I tripped over something, my phone crashing to the ground when I searched for the light switch on the wall, seeing what I tripped over.

Light filled the living room, my eyes immediately finding what tripped my footing, Gemma's to go bag knocked over, the bag strap caught on my foot.

Grumbling, I kicked it off and picked up my phone, "Leighton! I'm coming over!" Colby's worried, breathy tone filled the silence.

"Stop, I'm fine. I just tripped—"

"You tripped?!" His voice raised.

"Calm down, I'm fine"

"What was the crash?"

"My phone fell—"

"Leighton Rae! You need to be more careful" he began to reprimand, "You could've seriously got injured!"

"Well I'm fine" I huffed.

"And I'm thankful that you're fine, but baby, you need to be more careful" 

Baby.

"I'm always careful! I just hadn't turned the switch on—"

"Leighton!"

"I'm fine. Baby is fine. Speaking of the baby, I made the appointment. It's Next Wednesday"

"At the midwife place or at the hospital?"

"I get bloodwork done at the hospital" 

"So we're meeting at the hospital?" He clarified and I hummed in agreement.

"And then I need to come back to my parents and help my dad. I think Landon and his boyfriend are planning on coming over, so I was thinking maybe we tell him I'm pregnant? So that way when we do this gender reveal thing, they've already known for x amount of time?" I suggested, knowing we needed to finish telling people. "I still don't know how I'm supposed to tell Lexi. I haven't seen her in forever. It feels to big too send over text, or is that stupid?" I worried.

"Leighton, wanting to tell your sister you're pregnant in person isn't stupid. That's not that big of an ask" He reassured, now on speaker as I tossed some M&M's, pretzels and my pre cut strawberries into a bowl, snatching the container of Nutella and sitting down at the counter. 

"I just don't understand why she disappeared. I mean, my family and I are so close. I didn't think me being disapproving of her dating Brennen was going to cause that big of a drift. I mean, we're sisters. Sure I may disagree, but that doesn't mean I don't want to ever talk to her again" I grumbled, Colby chuckling when I crunched my pretzel. "Stop! Leave me alone"

"Babe, you're going to get heartburn"

"Shut up. I'm feeding the baby"

"Take an antacid before you go to bed" He snickered.

"Always do" my voice was muffled by my chewing. "You did this to me, you're not allowed to judge my choices"

"Do I have to bring M&M's to the doctors?"

"Honestly, we might have to sneak them in. I don't know if they'd approve of my eating habits" I laughed, visualizing Colby's eye roll.

"Babe, if you're afraid of your doctor knowing your eating habits, maybe change your eating habits"

"Colby. You really don't want to tell a pregnant lady what to eat and what not to eat" I warned, flashbacks to when I had a meltdown in the downstairs bathroom of our old house when I was pregnant with Gemma.

"What time is the appointment?" he hummed, a static sound coming through the speaker.

"God, what are you doing?" I winced, desperately wanting the noise to stop.

"Sorry, I uh, I was rolling over in bed. My phone slid against the sheets"

"Oh, and uh, it's.. shit" I grumbled, retyping my password in, finding my note. "You're lucky I write everything in my calendar" 

"I'm lucky?" his voice pitched.

"Mhm"

"You're the one with the horrendous pregnancy fog!"

"Well"

"Well nothing" he laughed, my cheeks becoming warm.

"It's at 2:15 on Wednesday" I finally answered.

"Am I picking you up or are we meeting there?"

"Well, do you want to come to the impromptu family dinner?" 

"You know your dad loves me" he spoke with a sing–song tone, his stupid childlike grin popping into my head.

"Yeah yeah, you're the favorite, we get it. Do you want to come or not"

"What do I get out of it?" he teased, my eyes immediately glaring down at my phone.

"You get to see me"

"Hm" he hummed, my jaw dropping.

"Colby!"

"Do better"

"Hey! What does that mean?"

"It means that sometimes you hate my guts" He chuckled.

"That's not true" I argued, not being able to keep my tone from wavering, trying my best not to let a snicker slip past my lips.

"Fine, I'll go, but only if I can see Gemma as well" he bargained, my eyes widening.

"My daughter is better than me!?"

"I've been trying to tell you.." He trailed off, his tone teasing me.

"Rude. I'm carrying your baby"

"You're just the fun bonus" 

"The bonus?!" I shrieked, my laugh carrying throughout the kitchen.

"'Cause of the baby" he tried to backtrack, his own laugh starting to crack through his façade.

"I hate you" I giggled, digging out an M&M from the dish.

"I told you!" He shouted, my failed attempt at repressing my giggle making him laugh. "I fucking told you you hated my guts! See, this is why you're the bonus!"

I giggled, "Fuck you"

"Alright well uh, I need to get to bed, and so do you. Remember to take your antacid" He reminded me and I hummed, covering my strawberry in the Nutella.

I glanced at the clock on the oven in front of me, "At 9pm?"

"Mhm"

"Since when? You never go to bed early"

"Since I've got to get up at 5am tomorrow"

"Ew, why?" I grimaced, the idea of waking up before the sunrise sounding revolting.

"Leighton"

"What?"

There was a moment of silence before it clicked, my eyes widening. "Oh!"

"Yeah.."

"Sorry, I'll uh, let you go to bed" I mumbled, completely spacing that he had community service tomorrow.

"Alright, you sleep well and don't forget the antacid!" he said again, my eyes rolling as I chewed my pretzel covered in chocolate.

"I know" my muffled voice grumbled. 

Colby said a final goodnight before hanging up, leaving me alone in silence, my almost empty bowl of snacks in front of me as my phone lit up with a text, Colby's name catching my eye.

I love you

* * * *

I was thinking about this earlier, but like... I've been writing this series for almost two years. That's insane, and like my other series (not Colby) I started in 2019..., like what the fuck?? To be fair, a book for me usually takes about a year? to do, but still..., anyway, 2 years in November lol that's wild.

Written on: May 27th, 29th, 30th, 31st, June 4th, 6th 2023

Published on: June 6th 2023

Word Count: 8204

Part fifteen

[britswriting]

Devotion (13)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Song: It'll be okay - Shawn Mendes

Trigger warning: Talk of parental death

*Leighton's POV*

I hated being the bad guy.

All day at work all I could think about was how instead of falling asleep next to the man I'm supposed to marry; I'll be falling asleep in my childhood bedroom.

My instinctive thought was just to run up to him, wrap my arms around him and never let him go; but I had to think of my family.

I can't have my daughter having one dad she sees only on the weekends and another that might go AWOL for a week.

I could tell April knew something was up just based on the walking on eggshells questions she asked me when I came to pick up Gemma. 

I ended up caving and telling April I was pregnant and that was the reason I appeared so beaten down; which wasn't an exact lie. Pregnancy and me are not great friends, but I can't blame all my sleepless nights on the unborn baby just yet.

I expected to see happiness on her face when I told her, but instead I got a masked reaction of congratulations, her eyes dulling in the same worried look I got when I arrived.

"Does she know she's going to be a big sister?" April asked, the two of us standing in the entryway of her home whilst Gemma grudgingly packed up her stuff.

"I told her yesterday, I don't know if she's fully grasped the concept yet. I still need to sit down and talk to her about it" I explained, April nodding as I looked past her shoulder, praying Gemma would hurry up with grabbing her stuff.

I lost count how many times I've peaked over April's shoulder as we talked about my midwife appointment, my nerves easing up as she appeared supportive rather than immediately telling me I need to give birth at the hospital; until we both finally went to see what was taking the girls so long, forgetting they're 4 and under, and get easily distracted.

"G?" I called, peeking my head into Noel's room, seeing the two toddlers sitting on the floor, a Barbie in each hand. "Ready to go see Nonna and Papa?" I asked, loving the way her face lit up as she quickly nodded, abruptly standing up, leaving her mess behind. I tsked, sending her back to go help clean up, Gemma pouting as she helped Noel put the toys away. "Thank you for listening, ready to see Papa? I think Uncle Landon is coming over" I tried to cheer her up, Gemma nodding. "Go say thank you to April whilst I check your bag, please"

"Aprwil!" I heard her squeal, running down the hall as I sifted through Gemma's to go bag, double checking that she had everything she arrived with.

"Leavin'?" Noel asked, her cute nosy self peeking in Gemma's bag.

"Yeah, but you'll see her again" I giggled, loving how soft and reserved Noel was with me.

I was so used to Gemma yelling and screaming and running wherever we went, that seeing Noel be so shy and calm was almost like a culture shock.

"We go pres-cool togever, kay?" She asked, well, more so stated, making me chuckle as I zipped the back.

"You want to go to Preschool with Gemma?" I asked, Noel following me down the hall.

"YEAH! She's my best friend!"

Cue my heart melting and the popping of confetti canister.

My baby has her first best friend.

"Momma! We go see Papa now?" Gemma asked, April finishing tying Gemma's sneaker.

"Yes bug, do you want to carry your bag?" I asked, offering the fairly lightweight backpack to my overly excited toddler.

"No!" She refused, "You carry" She shoved the backpack away, taking me back by the refusal.

"Gemma, can you please carry the bag?" I tried again, not actually caring if I had to carry her bag to the car or not, more so just hating how she shoved my hand away.

"You carry" She said again, her face scrunching up.

"What do you say Gemma?" I coaxed, not wanting my toddler throwing around demands at people.

"Momma carry"

"Gemma. Say please" 

"Peas!" Her sweet voice squealed.

"Thank you" I sighed, glancing towards April, hoping there wasn't a judgmental stare due to my daughter's reluctance in manners.

I quickly thanked April for watching her, Gemma running down the driveway to our car, standing on her tippy toes to grab the handle.

"Oh-pin!" She began to whine, my eyes rolling as I pressed unlock, opening the door so she could shove my hands away from helping her, climbing into the car by herself.

Wonder whose attitude she got. Couldn't be mine...

I listened to Gemma babble to herself, a few quick responses and hums on my end keeping her going until we pulled into my parents driveway, Gemma refusing my help once again to get out of the car, shaving a few years off my life when my heart dropped to my stomach watching her trip over her backpack, only to get made at me when I tried to catch her.

"NO ELP!" She yelled, shoving me away.

"Well don't fall on your face then" I muttered, slamming the car door shut, Gemma spinning around on her heel.

"I not!"

"You almost did"

"No!"

I rolled my eyes, "Go ring the bell so Papa can deal with your bratty attitude"

"I no as tude" She glared. It took everything in me not to laugh at the cute look on her face.

"You do too"  I snickered.

"No!"

"Yes you do"

"Nuhuh! You as tude, momma!" She disagreed, her lips pursed as her hands stood on her hips.

Where did all this sass come from?

I watched her struggle to ring the bell, jumping up to hit it, finally pushing it in as we listened to it ring; Landon answering the door.

"Gemma!" He exclaimed, crouching to pull her into a hug. "How's my favorite almost 4 year old?" He asked, picking her up as she giggled.

"Good. You can deal with her battiness. Where's dad?" I huffed, kicking my shoes off and dropping her bag.

"Gemma? Being a brat? How could you say such a thing!" Landon gasped, ignoring my moodiness as I quickly climbed the stairs, hoping to find my mom and dad.

I took a deep breath before entering my moms room, unsure what I'd see when I entered.

"Hey kid" My dad's voice caught me by surprise, my dad exiting the closet with a change of clothes for my mom, "I was just going to get your mom ready for bed. I need to bathe her if you and Landon wanted to order dinner"

"Dad, you don't have to do that. I can bathe her" I reminded him, knowing how much he hated asking.

"Leighton, no. You're pregnant" He said quietly, his tone a little harsh to show the severity of the situation.

"And you're old" I shot back, my dad narrowing his eyes at me.

"Leighton Rae. I am not old" he stated, his disapproving gaze deepening, a tiny smirk pulling at my lips.

"Tell that to all your gray hairs!"

"You are not helping me. I don't want anything happening to my grandbaby"

"And I don't want anything happening to you! I'm already losing mom, I can't lose you too! Let me help you" I argued, tired of having this conversation.

"Fine. Get your brother, he can help me get her there, and then you can help with the rest. I'm not letting you do any heavy lifting" he compromised, giving me the dad look that told me I had no room to argue.

Landon helped my dad move my mom from their bed into the bathtub, my job being to make sure nothing happened to her oxygen tank before Landon excused himself to find my daughter, leaving me to help my dad undress my mom.

"I got her, just make sure that this doesn't go in the tub" I motioned towards the stand of stube dangling by the tub.

I watched my mom's eyes open and close slowly as I carefully moved the washcloth over her skin; too afraid to let my eyes glance over towards my father.

I never imagined I'd be here so fast.

I always knew one day this would be my life. Taking care of my parents, making sure they're okay and as content as I can make them; I just never thought it would be this fast.

I never saw myself sitting in the bathroom with my dad, pregnant with my second child as I helped him help my mom out of the bathtub, drying her off and changing her clothes.

I always pictured my mom in the kitchen making her favorite Italian food as her grandkids came running in through the patio door, begging for popsicles and lemonade, awaiting the yummy dinner that would be served within the hour.

My dad outside, pushing them on the swings as my mom watched from the patio, or even catching them at the end of the slide, and now I don't even know if my second baby will know their grandmother.

Would Gemma remember my mom up and about, moving around and loving up on her? Or just laying beside her in bed watching movies?

Would my daughter remember the laugh of her grandmother? The excitement my mom showed every time we came over? The way my mom loved her? Or is this, my mother hooked up to an oxygen tank as she struggled to move on her own, eat on her own and simply breathe on her own, going to be her lasting memories? 

I felt my moms fragile hand grasp my own as we laid her down in bed, my dad carefully pulling the comforter up her body to calm the chills, allowing me to lay down on his side of the bed next to her, giving my mom's hand a slight squeeze as my eyes stung with tears.

"Thank you for your help Leighton" My dad softly softly and I nodded, my eyes squeezing shut, my dad's sympathetic tone of my name making them open again. "It's going to be okay" he tried to reassure me and I just nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Hey, come here for a sec" he offered me his hand. I just stared at it for a second before reluctantly dropping my moms and grabbing my dads, my dad carefully pulling me out of bed and into his arms, his arms wrapping around me, just holding me for a second.

I could feel the tension in my body as I fought back the tears, my dads hand holding my head against his chest as the tears finally fell, my body finally shaking.

Why can't I catch a break?

Why did this have to happen to me? To my family? To my daughter? To my dad?

God, my dad.

I felt my dads shirt begin to soak, my brain thinking about how he not only was losing his wife, but watching his kids lose their mother, his grandkids lose their grandmother and his mother in law lose her daughter.

"It's going to be okay Leigh" He reassured me, my deep breaths getting caught in my throat as I continued to cry.

"We're losing her dad" I cried, squeezing my arms tighter around his waist, the calm sound of his heartbeat against my ear making my crying calm down, just like when I was a kid.

"I know, but you'll always be her sunshine. You'll always have your mother, Leighton. Whether it's on earth, or in your heart, she'll always be here"

My eyes fell shut as my brain replayed all the times my mom has sung you are my sunshine to me, and how many times I've sung it to Gemma.

You'll always be her sunshine.

Once I pulled myself together, my breathing becoming less sporadic, my dad pulled away, cradling my face as he wiped my tears, laying a soft kiss against the top of my head. "We're going to be alright. We just need to cherish her while she's here, that's all" He gave me a soft smile and I nodded, wiping at my nose, wiping it against my shirt only to feel my hand graze against my bump.

"I need to tell her" My raspy voice cracked, coming out more like a breath as I looked over at my mom who looked so peaceful, even with the tense wrinkles on her forehead. "Even if she is too out of it to understand, or can't reply.. I need to tell her. I need to tell her she's going to be a grandmother again before it's too late" I told him, my voice beginning to get frantic, feeling like time was slipping out of my fingers.

"Let's get dinner, calm down and you can tell her later?" he suggested and I immediately shook my head.

"There is no later dad! I keep saying later. I'll do it later, I'll get to it later... and now it's later and she's dying!" I whined, struggling to hold back the cry that was destroying my vocal cords. "I need to tell her!" I quickly pushed away from him, moving to the other side of the bed, my hand carefully resting against my mom's shoulder.

"Mom?" I whispered, crouching next to the bed, "Mom? Mom?" I rubbed my hand against her shoulder, my heart beginning to race. "Mom?" I tried again, a little rougher this time, breathing out a breath of relief when her eyes opened, squinting before zoning in on me. "Hey" I smiled softly, thanking god my vision began to clear so I could fully see my mothers face. 

"Hi" Her raspy voice came out like a whisper, the smile tugging at her lips proving to be a challenge. 

"Hi mom. It's Leighton, I just uh, I wanted to tell you something" I tried to keep the weakened smile on my face, my hand coming down to rest against my bump, keeping my other hand on her shoulder. "Or um, more so show you something" I giggled, loving telling my mom that she's going to be a grandmother; this time just as terrifying and exciting as it was with Gemma, only everything was tainted with a little more sadness.

I watched her eyes fill with confusion as I slowly got up, backing away so she could see me, turning and lifting up my shirt, showing off the bump.

Her eyes widened a little, the smile on her face reaching a little bit higher as my vision blurred again.

"You're going to be a grandmother again!" I cheered, tears rolling down my face, "Colby and I are expecting a baby in May" I said softly, my hands running over my bare stomach. "Gemma's going to be a big sister. Dad's going to have another little grandbaby to love on. You're going to have another baby carrying your legacy" I continued, walking over and carefully playing her cold hand against my stomach. "They can't wait to meet their Nonna"  

~

Meeting up for lunch with Colby felt like getting ready for a first date.

The same jitters and anxiety riddled my thoughts as I applied the mascara to my lashes and laced up my sneakers, turning around, asking Gemma what she thought.

"I see Coco too, momma?" She asked, her arms crossed as she sat on the couch, her little legs not even long enough to properly dangle off the cushion.

"Later, okay? I need to have a grown up talk with Coco. Harper's coming over to play with you and Papa, isn't that exciting?" I smiled, hoping I could get her focused on something else.

"But I want to see Coco" She pouted.

"Soon, okay?"

"No! I see Coco!"

"Gemma Lorraine, stop yelling at mommy" I warned, only to be matched with wrinkled eyebrows, a scowl on her face.

"I see Coco"

"Gemma-"

"I SEE COCO!" She shrieked, murdering my eardrums.

"Inside voice-" I tried, only to be met with more screaming.

My tongue met my cheek as I counted to 10, taking a deep breath.

"Gemma-"

"I SEE COCO!" She screamed, tears rolling down her face.

"FINE!" I snapped, "Get your damn shoes, let's go" I grumbled, Gemma glaring at me. "Gemma, let's go" I said again, seeing my annoying toddler still sitting there, pouting.

"No go" She scowled, "Momma mean"

I rolled my eyes, taking a deep breath.

Here we fucking go.

"Gemma-"

"No!"

"Gem-"

"No go! Stay wif Papa" 

"Oh my god!" I groaned, running my hand through what once was nicely brushed, probably now looking a lot more messy, hair. "Are you coming or going"

"Wif Papa"

Great.

"Come give me a hug please" I crouched, awaiting the best hug from my best girl, only to be ignored. "Gemma? Please?" I asked, the scowl on her face starting to push my impatience buttons. "Gemma. Come give mommy a hug" I tried again, it hurting way more than it should to have my daughter reject me.

Gemma refused and I just sighed, taking a deep breath before leaning over and kissing the top of her head, only to get shoved by her little grubby hands.

"Gemma Lorraine, be nice to momma" I warned, quickly checking my phone, seeing I need to leave or else I'll be late. "I love you, be on your best behavior for papa, okay?" She nodded, sliding off the couch, making her way towards the stairs.

The drive to the café was quiet, the radio not being able to drown out my anxious thoughts.

I shut off the car, seeing the clock read 3 minutes after I was supposed to be there.

Having no time to actually mentally prepare myself for whatever was going to happen in there, I got out of the car, hearing the bell above the door ring as I entered, quickly spotting Colby sitting on his phone at a booth against the window.

"Hey" I announced my presence, sliding in on the opposite side, setting my back down; taking a look around the all too familiar café.

"Hey" He greeted, shutting off his phone and setting it aside, the simple action making me smile.

It was a small step in the right direction. Maybe he truly was willing to listen to me and work things out.

"How are you doing?" He asked, sliding the menu over to me, allowing me to scan my options.

With some quick small talk and our orders given to the waitress, Colby reached his hand over to capture mine, stopping me from my thumb twisting the anxiety fidget ring. 

I could feel my cheeks warm up as he squeezed my hand, removing his from my own, allowing me to drop it to my lap, "Sorry" I whispered, embarrassed by his noticing my anxious tick.

"It's okay. I'm sorry for making you anxious" He sent a small smile, his eyes full of sadness, making it incredibly difficult for me to not forgive him immediately. 

"Thank you for meeting me" I started, hating the way his face fell.

"Leighton, why wouldn't I come? I want to fix this just as much as you do. Believe it or not, I do love you"

"I love you too, but Colby, love doesn't always equate to happiness and that's nothing on you, it's just a fact. Shit happens, doesn't mean I don't love you"

"Are you in love with me?" He asked quietly, my chest tightening.

"I said yes, didn't I?"  I argued back, flashing my ring that lately as caused more mental pain than joy.

"Well clearly that doesn't mean anything" he grumbled, my stare becoming deadly.

Are we really doing this again?

"I didn't come here to fight, Colby"

"I know, I'm sorry" He sighed, "And I'm sorry for my actions these past few months. I've just... things have been hard, I'm sorry"

"Why couldn't you communicate that to me in real time, instead of apologizing way after you've messed up? I thought you said you were going to work on that"

"Because I thought I was getting better" He defended himself, sitting up straighter, his eyes refusing to look at mine.

Great.

"Did you not notice the damage you were leaving behind?" I replied, not meaning for it to come out as snarky as it did; Colby's glare making my stomach tighten.

We're not fighting today.

If we fight during our "civil meeting" then how is this ever going to work?

"The best I can do is apologize" Colby said, his jaw tightening a bit as he blew out a puff of air.

"No, the best you can do is change" I fought back, Colby giving me a look, "Sorry" I mumbled.

"Leighton, I'm not going to fu-" he paused, glancing around the place, "I'm not going to change overnight"

"I'm not asking you to-"

"It feels like you are" he interrupted, my shoulders dropping in defeat.

"I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated at the situation, and your lack of communication" I apologized, knowing what it feels like to constantly be belittled.

"What exactly are you expecting from me?" He questioned, both of us pausing as our food got set in front of us, my mouth salivating at sight.

This baby is going to make me so fat-

"Well for starters, you're not allowed to make Gemma cry. I don't want her having two shitty fathers, and before you start, I understand Gabe isn't the worst father in the world, but I hate seeing her feel sad every time she has to leave and having her sob to me over you on more than one occasion is more than enough to want me to cut off your baby maker" 

"I'm sorry for making her cry" he started, his eyes narrowing when I shook my head, "What?"

"It's not me you need to apologize to. She's little, but she's not dumb Colby. You can't act like she doesn't get it. You leaving affected her too"

"I'm proud of you, you know?" he said, my face scrunching up. "For standing up for her" he continued, keeping his eyes on me, "I remember how terrified you were to be a mother, and just.. seeing you stand up for your daughter, even if it's because of me, I'm proud of you and I'm glad you're the one having my baby even if I'm being an ass to you. As bad as it sounds, you sitting here, reprimanding me for making her cry.. makes me love you so much more. You're an amazing mother Leighton, and I don't tell you that enough; I'm sorry"

"Colby!" I whined, covering my face with my hands, "You can't get all sappy like that to a pregnant woman! I cry enough as it is" I pouted, peeking through my fingers. 

"I'm sorry" he chuckled, his hand softly pulling mine off my face, lacing our fingers, "I am extremely grateful towards you though Leighton and I'm sorry I've struggled to show that lately. You gave me love, a family, kids. I owe it all to you and I promise, I'm working on it" he brought my hands up to his lips, placing a soft kiss against the back of my hand as I wiped the fallen tear, trying to pull it together. "Thank you for carrying my baby. For keeping him or her safe. For being an amazing mother"

I nodded, taking a deep breath, shoving some fries into my mouth to distract myself, Colby snickering. "Shut up" I spoke with my mouth full, my cheeks turning red.

"You're cute, you know that?" He teased, allowing my hand to fall from his hold.

"Stop! You can't be nice to me!"

"I thought that's what you wanted" he laughed as I quickly blinked the emotions away.

"I cry easily! I put on makeup for this-" I whined, praying it wasn't smudged.

"You didn't have to do that baby"

"I wanted to look nice for you" I confessed, feeling my ears warm up.

"Leighton, you don't need makeup to look nice for me-"

"Stop!" I whined, ignoring his laughter as I covered my face again, praying to god I didn't lose it in front of all the waitresses.

"Gemma said you guys saw the baby?" He asked, not waiting for my reply as he continued, "I'm sorry I was selfish and missed it"

"One of the staff members recorded it" I informed him, taking a deep breath as I shoved everything down deep, pulling out my phone to show him.

I kept my eyes locked on Colby as the video played, analyzing any form of regret or even a twinkle of flee in his eye.

When the video ended, I watched his throat swallow, Colby's eyes stuck on the screen.

"Gemma's happy then?" He first asked, looking up at me.

"I don't know if she fully understands yet, but she seemed intrigued" I shrugged, Colby nodding.

"I'm sorry I missed it" He apologized, looking back down at my phone before sliding it over to me.

"Do you regret it?" I questioned, wishing I could read his mind.

"Regret what?"

"Missing it" I clarified, Colby sighing, "Leighton, why do you keep acting like I don't want this?"

"Because you're acting like you don't want this. Be honest with me Colby," I started, watching his eyes flinch, confusing me, yet I continued, "Do you want this? You can love me, you can love our baby, you can love Gemma, and not want this. Do you want this life with me?"

"Leighton," He said, and I stayed quiet, but he didn't continue, shaking his head at me, "Since when are you insecure about us? About our family?"

"Since you decided your quarter life crisis was more important" I stated emotionless, hating that he was acting like I'm the problem. Like me asking him what he wants makes me the bad guy.

"I do want this" he nodded, my eyes narrowing.

"Then why are you asking me if I'm insecure?"

"Because you keep hounding me about if I want a family with you!"

"Because you're acting like you'd rather be single! News flash Colby, I'm not polyamorous! This is it for me! So if you don't want it, just fucking tell me!" I snapped, tired of the constant back and forth.

Why can't this just be black and white cookie cutter easy to figure out relationship? Why is there so much damn gray area all the time?

"I want this Leighton"

"Then fucking act like it" I grumbled, tired of seeing him act like he'd rather be anywhere else but with me. His jaw clenched as he breathed in through his nose, his eyes locked with mine as I continued, "I talked to my therapist-" I started, Colby rolling his eyes, stopping me dead in my tracks. "What? Fucking what Colby? Why are you rolling your eyes"

"Nothing" 

"Oh my god!" I groaned, ready to just walk away. "What's your deal with couples therapy? Why do you get like this every time!"

"I don't"

"You do!" I argued, feeling my heart pick up it's pace in my chest.

"I went to couples therapy with you Leighton. It didn't fucking work"

Yeah and you sat in the chair like an overly anxious child waiting to get reprimanded by the principal!

"Then what does that say about us huh Colby? And don't tell me it didn't fucking work! We barely tried!"

"We did too try!"

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!"

"Lower your voice, there are kids here" He warned, my lips pursing.

"Why did I think this would work?"

"Think what would work?"

"This!" I motioned between us, pulling out my wallet to pay for my food, quickly snatching my phone and bag as I slid out of the booth.

"What- Woah! Where are you going?"

"Fuck off" I grumbled, tossing my bag over my shoulder only for Colby to catch my hand.

"Leighton, baby, please"

"No"

"Please. I'm sorry"

"Tell it to someone who wants to hear it. I'm tired of fucking trying" I snatched my hand out of his grasp, ready to leave the restaurant only to feel him grab my hand again, standing behind me.

"Leighton, please. I want to work on us. I love you, I promise-"

"You shouldn't have to fucking promise me Colby! I should just know you do!" I snapped, my tone low as I glared at him. "You know, I came here today hoping we could figure this shit out. I had the idea of maybe we could do date nights one or twice a week, start hanging out more, communicating more, but no! Anytime I try to bring up actually making this shit work out, you ignore me or roll your eyes or act like whatever the fuck you're doing is better than anything I have to say. I'm fucking tired, and I know I'm not perfect, but... but at least I'm trying" My voice cracked, Colby's hand slowly intertwining with mine.

"I'm sorry" he repeated, pissing me off even more.

"Fuck you" I grumbled, snatching my hand back before quickly pushing open the door, my face getting hit with a gust of wind as my vison became blurry.

Why was this so fucking hard?

Was I that fucking unlovable that he'd rather be off doing god knows what?

Why won't he let me try and fix this? Suggest things we can do together! Build our relationship to be stronger! 

What was his fucking deal?!

"Leighton!" I heard him yell, the sole of his shoes slapping against the concrete as I quickly walked to my car, unlocking it as he caught up, "Please! Please, wait!"

"What!" I snapped, harshly turning around, only to lose my balance and began to wobble, Colby's hands reaching out to steady me only for me to swat them away, my body leaning against the front side of my car.

"I'm fucking sorry, okay? And I know that's getting old. I get it, I know! I'm just... Leighton, please. I want to fix this and I'm sorry I rolled my eyes. It's just... I didn't like couples therapy. I don't want to do it again"

"I wasn't fucking suggesting couples therapy Colby!"

"I'm-" he paused, exhaling, "What were you suggesting?" He asked quietly, my vision going red.

"YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME!" I snapped, throwing my hands up as the frustration boiled over. "I fucking told you! I told you what I was going to suggest! Fucking date nights or something! Something to let us hang out, bond, get to know each other again! But noooooo, Colby doesn't fucking listen to me!"

"I'm sorry" he tried again, those two fucking words becoming an immediately trigger response for my brain to overreact to.

How many times is he going to apologize before he actually fucking changes?

"Fuck you" 

"Classy" he rolled his eyes, my own narrowing as I shoved myself off the car, opening my car door. "Leighton-"

"You're so fucking wishy washy all the damn time" 

"I'm wishy washy? What about you!" He shot back, the click of my buckle being faintly heard over our heavy breathing.

"What about me? When have I ever said one thing and done another? I try so fucking hard to be honest with you! To communicate with you! And what do I get in response? A roll of the eyes when I mention my therapist!"

"Because nothing good happens when someone says I talked to my therapist about you"

"Do you talk to yours about me?"

"I haven't gone in a while"

"That's the fucking problem! You've fully given up on your mental health and look where that's gotten us! I can't fucking fight for the both of us Colby!"

"I didn't fucking ask you to fight for me"

I rolled my eyes, turning my keys into the ignition, "Then fight for yourself"

I slammed my car door shut, the palms of Colby's hands showing on my window.

Inhale. Exhale.

I ran my hand over my bump, a feeling of dread washing over me.

Was I really about to be a single mom of two with two separate baby daddies?

"Leighton!" He yelled, his voice muffled as it bounced off the counter, the pads of his fingers tapping against the glass, "I want to do the dates!"

I rolled down my window, Colby quickly moving his hands, "And I want you to change" I replied, taking in the bags under his eyes and the way his skin lacked color at my words.

"This is me changing"

"Is it? Is this change and compromise or are you just saying what I want to hear?" I argued, Colby looking like a beaten down puppy, the twinkle in his eyes from earlier, gone.

"I. Want. You." He spoke slowly, his eyes locked on mine.

"I'm not asking you to change who you are" I spoke softly, the walls that I built crashing down to the ground. Why was love so hard? "I'm asking you to be the person I fell in love with, and if that person doesn't exist anymore.. if this is Colby now, then I don't want it"

"I don't know" he replied quietly, the AC of my car almost drowning out his confession.

"You don't know what?"

"If this is who I am"

"Is this who you want to be?" I asked softly, taking everything in me to keep my shit together for once.

Colby shook his head.

"Then work to be the man you want to be. I love you so much and it hurts so bad to feel unloved. Unwanted. Like you'd rather be anywhere else. I want to fix this, Colby. I want you too, but I don't want this if it's going to continue to look like this"

"I know, and I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry for it all" he apologized, "I'll get back in with my therapist, talk about med changes.." he trailed off, looking away.

"So you'll do the dates?" I asked quietly, my hand reaching out the window towards his face before freezing and retracting.

Am I allowed to touch him like that?

"I'll do the dates" He nodded, looking back over at me, his eyes falling down to my hand. "When are you coming home?" he asked, my stomach turning.

"Colby.."

"Leighton, please. I need you"

"We'll discuss me coming home when I don't feel like it's life or death with you"

"Leigh, baby, please. It's your home too"

"You pay the rent-"

"Fuck the rent. That apartment is yours. At the end of the day, it's yours Leighton. I don't fucking care if I still have to pay rent if I move out. If this shit doesn't work" he spoke quickly, not noticing me flinch at his words. If this shit doesn't work out, "That's your place"

"I want our place, Colby. To walk through that door and feel like I'm home with you"

"It is your home"

"It's our home, Colby" I corrected, the words "Your home" hurting way more than they should've.

Is that how he viewed the apartment? The place we lived? As mine?

"I don't want it Leighton"

"You don't want the apartment?" I frowned, a wave of sadness resting on my shoulders.

What was happening?

"I want a house with you" He corrected himself, his correction not taking away any of the rested sadness.

How does he view the place we share as mine when we got it together? It's not like we moved into Logan and I's place..

"I want a house too but-"

"But what? Leighton, we can fucking afford a house" he began to argue, only for me to cut him off, "Well clearly we can't even live in an apartment together so I'm not buying a fucking house with you unless we're done walking on eggshells. Look, I don't want to talk about this right now. Clearly we're in no place to be having this conversation-"

"We're getting married!" He cut me off, my face deadpanned as I replied, "Are we?" only for his eyes to widen.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"I need to get back to my daughter, Colby. Let's do In and Out, say 7pm? That way I can feed Gemma, get her ready for bed and all that after work?" I suggested, unsure how I felt about this upcoming date.

Is In and Out a bad idea due to our past history? Or is it a good idea? Should I have picked somewhere we've never gone? Really start fresh?

"You want to go get fast food for our date? You want to work in fast food all day and then go back there?" He questioned, my heart feeling like it just got tossed down a well.

"It was just a suggestion" I sighed, running my hand through my long dark hair, my fingers getting caught in a few tangles causing me to wince.

"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to come out like that" Colby apologized, his words giving me flashbacks to all the times I've heard that before. "Do you want to do something chill, or something fancy?"

"Chill. I'm pregnant. I can't vomit in a 5 star bathroom Colby"

"You'd rather vomit in a dirty one?"

I glared, Colby's lips rolling into a thin line.

"Why don't we try that new place by our apartment? The place that replaced that pizza place you didn't like?"

"The new sandwich place?" I squinted, Colby nodding.

"I love you, but that sounds disgusting to me" I told him honestly, the idea making my stomach clench.

"Okay.. what if.. what if I made dinner?"

"You're making dinner?"

"At our place.. I know.. I know it's not ideal but uh, that way if you vomit, it's not in a dirty fast food bathroom"

I couldn't help but chuckle, my hand instinctively rubbing against my bump, "I love that we're basing our plans off me throwing up. How lovely"

"Let me try Leighton. Let me make it up to you, please" he begged, the twinkle of hope shining bright in his beautiful blue eyes.

"Dinner at our place" I agreed, nodding as I emphasized our, hoping he got the point.

"Dinner at our place" he repeated, a small smile cracking on my lips.

"I need to get home" I said quietly, glancing at the clock, seeing Gemma needed to have her bath soon and I needed to make sure my dad was able to get dinner done for the three of them. 

"Okay, I love you. Please drive safely and I'm sorry for everything. It was never my intention to fuck shit up like this"

"We're going to work on it, right?" I confirmed, Colby nodding. "Alright. I love you too, you drive safe as well and uh.. um.." I stuttered, my mind drawing a blank as Colby chuckled.

"Text me when you get home, okay?"

"Okay" I agreed, Colby backing away from my car so I could drive away, my heart racing out of anticipation.

Please let this dinner date go well..

* * * *

So Sam and Kat broke up... Now what? lol

Written on: May 16th, 17th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 24th, 26th 2023

Published on: May 26th 2023

Word Count: 6286

Part Fourteen

[britswriting]

Desire (35)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Trigger warning: Mentions of drugs in conversation

*Colby's POV*

Watching someone you not only love, but believe in, struggle so much and have no idea how to help them has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

I got Gemma back to bed after about 20 minutes, grabbing my phone which was our makeshift baby monitor, making my way to search the house for Leighton, only to see her sitting by the pool, her body shaking.

I quietly walked out to the back, my feet making contact with the cold concrete. I sat down next to her, my feet hitting the cool water, staying quiet. We just sat there in silence, her cries quieting down, her body slumped forward.

"I'm sorry" She whispered, being the first to speak. "I'm just frustrated and overwhelmed. I didn't mean to yell at you, or wake up Gemma... I'm sorry" She sighed, her body showing just how tired she was.

"How about we go inside, grab a snack and relax and we can talk about it tomorrow when we aren't super tired?" I suggested, not wanting to push the issue further.

She nodded, letting me help her up, keeping my hand intertwined with hers as we headed inside.

"Are you hungry?" I asked quietly, entering the kitchen.

Leigh shrugged, seeming to be completely shutting down.

It was weird to watch her basically shut off. 

"Come here" I tugged her with me around the counter, lifting her up by her thighs so she was sat on the island. "We've got bread... Do you want like French toast? Grilled cheese? Egg sandwich? PB+J? I uh.. I don't know if we have any lunch meats" I rattled off, opening the fridge to scan my options. "Um, there are some leftovers from whatever Kat made" I hummed, my back to her as I scanned the shelves.

"A grilled cheese is fine" She mumbled and I nodded, opening the cheese drawer.

I prepped the bread and the pan, moving around the kitchen trying not to rattle too many things.

"You're not allowed to distract me" I warned, "I have a habit of burning these things" 

I saw a smile creep up on her face, giving me the small win.

"I'll eat a burnt grilled cheese" She said softly, getting me to grin.

I chuckled, shaking my head, "Doesn't mean I wanna serve you burnt food" 

"Becoming a chef?" 

"Well.. if you're trying so hard, the least I can do is learn how to cook. I figured it's about time" I shrugged, knowing this probably wouldn't stick, but it was the thought that counted.

"You really want to learn?" She asked, sounding surprised.

"Baby, all I can do is laundry and dishes... I don't even know how to grocery shop"

I surprised myself that I even let these thoughts slip out to her, knowing they were one of my biggest insecurities.

I want to be able to take care of my family, and not have everything be  dependent on "the wife of the household", but I've never had to do it, so I've never learned.

"You wanna grocery shop?" She asked, sounding even more surprised, yet confused.

"I want you to domesticate me baby" I murmured against her ear, kissing her cheek before moving back over to flip the grilled cheese.

I refuse to burn this one.

From behind me I heard, "Oh, you mean castrate you?" making me choke on my salvia, turning to look over at her, "Ha ha very funny. I mean it Leighton, I'm all in. Be my ball and chain" I joked, eyeing her real quick over my shoulder before attending back to the grilled cheese.

"How romantic, is that gonna be in your wedding vows?" She teased, a smirk finding its way on my face as I quickly replied with "It might be" Making her snicker, pushing herself off the counter, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"I am truly sorry for my outburst earlier" She whispered, pecking under my jaw. "It's just..." She paused, her fingers tapping against my side. I waited for a moment, but she never finished her sentence, so I grabbed her hand with my hand, stopping her anxious tapping, intertwining our hands and kissing the back of her fingers. 

"Life isn't easy, Leigh. We all have our things. Yes you have it worse than I do right now, I get that, but I want to be here for you. You're not alone, baby. You and Gemma will be just fine with me, even on your darkest days. I promise"

"Colby-"

"And I know that it's hard to look at your past-"

"Colby"

"In the face and have to deal with everything all over again"

"Colby"

"But sometimes to get true closure we have to do it"

"COLE!" She shouted, waving her hand in front of my face.

"What?"

"You're burning the grilled cheese!"

I looked over at the now burned and smoking grilled cheese, "Oh shit!" turning the heat off.

"Hurry before the smoke alarms go off and wake Gemma!" She spoke frantically, grabbing the spatula to take the burned toast off of the hot pan.

"I told you I always burn them!" I groaned, waving a towel in the air.

"Crack a window!" 

"We don't have a window in here!"

"Then wave faster before the smoke alarm goes off and-"

"Wakes Gemma, I know, I know!" 

We both ran around the kitchen like a chicken with our head cut off, trying to get rid of the smoke before the alarm went off, eventually getting it to calm down, finding ourselves leaning against the counters, laughing.

"I can't believe you burned it" She giggled, a silly grin on her face.

"It's your fault!"

"How?!" She laughed.

"You entered my bubble-" I started, but she interrupted me, making fun of me "Oh, I entered your bubble? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Yeah, you and your sexy body came into my bubble and distracted me-"

She bit her lip, her hands playing with the back of my hair, "My sexy body?" she hummed in a seductive tone.

"Leighton-"

"Come on Colby, let's go have some fun" her hands trailed down my shoulders to the front of my chest, slowly getting closer and closer to my groin, when I caught her, my hands holding her wrists.

"Leighton, no"

"Colby-"

"You are in no state of mind to do this right now"

"Colby please-" she begged, turning on her puppy dog eyes.

"No. You were crying half an hour ago. We aren't doing anything sexual. You need to sleep and we will talk in the morning. Here, how about I make you a PB and J, and then we'll go hit the hay" I suggested, undoing the twist tie.

"That rhymed" She grinned, her mood changing again.

I eyed her, confused as I put the bread on the plate.

"Are you okay?"

"Never been better" She grinned, creeping me out.

I stayed quiet, eyeing her in my prereferral vision, spreading the peanut butter.

 Has she lost her damn mind?

"Leighton, are you on something?" I asked quietly, ignoring every alarm bell in my head about keeping my mouth shut.

"What? No. Why would you say that?" She frowned, stepping away from me.

"You're acting weird"

"Oh, so I go through something, act a little funky and all of a sudden I'm on coke again?"

I sighed, "I didn't say you were on coke"

"Yeah? Well fuck you" She hissed, spinning around on her heel, ready to stomp away before I quickly wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her into me.

"I'm sorry, okay?"

"Let me go you asshole!" She wiggled against me, breathing heavy.

I let her go, not wanting to hurt her.

She quickly ran up the stairs, leaving me there confused.

I exhaled, grabbing the stupid sandwich I made, taking an angry bite out of it.

What the fuck am I gonna do with her?

I got back up to my room, confused when it was empty, including the baby.

"For fuck sake" I muttered, stomping out of the doorway and down the hall.

I opened every door I passed, peeking my head in and scanning the room.

I passed Sam's door, questioning if she would go in there, but I quickly turned around, hearing the sound of a toilet flush.

Knocking on the door, I sighed when I heard her sniffles. 

"Leigh? Baby? Can I come in?"

"Go away Cole"

"Leighton, please?"

"You think I'm some drug addict whore just like the rest of them! Well news fucking flash, I don't fucking need you!"

I blew out an exhale, resting my head on the door, only to almost fall when the door got whipped open. "Leighton- wait, where are you going?"

"None of your fucking business, we're done" She hissed, Gemma on her hip and a bag in hand.

I spun around after she pushed passed me, following her down the hall towards the stairs, "Are you for fucking real right now?" 

"As real as a damn heart attack" She grumbled, descending down the stairs.

"Leighton, stop running"

"Screw you" She called back, my heavy footsteps following her.

"Classy" I muttered, earning a middle finger. "Stop fucking running!"

"YOU THINK I'M ON DRUGS!"

"Leighton-"

"SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE COLBY!"

"Woah, what the hell is going on?!" Sam yelled, my head whipping around to see him half asleep, standing at the top of the stairs.

"Ask your dickhead best friend!" She hissed, Gemma now crying as she slipped on her shoes, snatching her keys off the table.

"Colby, what the fuck did you do now?" Sam asked, his voice laced with tiredness.

"Fuck off Sam, this doesn't concern you." I snapped, reaching the end of the stairs, "Leighton, stop running and act like an adult!"

"Sorry, I can't fucking hear you. My brains like scrambled eggs from all the meth I've done!" 

"Leighton that's not fucking funny"

"Fuck off and fuck you" She shouted, Kat now standing next to Sam as she threw the front door open, my feet carrying me after her.

"What the hell did you do Colby?" Kat called from the rail, Sam now walking down the stairs.

I rolled my eyes, slamming the front door shut as I followed her.

"I'm sorry!" I shouted, Leighton standing at the back door of her car. "I didn't mean it"

"Yeah, that's why your mouth fucking talked, huh? 'Cause you didn't mean it!" 

"Leighton, please don't leave. I only have so long with you before you go back home-"

"Sorry, I can't hear you! I'm too busy snorting coke!" 

"Please don't drive when you're mad! Don't harm Gemma like that, please!" I begged. "Look, we have guest rooms. Countless of them, take one of those and leave in the morning. Please Leigh-"

"Colby no I-"

"Please" I begged again, my tone breathless, exhausted from chasing her all over the house.

She moved in front of the open door, getting in my face, "Don't you fucking dare say I'm on drugs again, got it?" She warned, her voice low and scary.

I nodded slowly, my chest heaving as I tried to keep it together.

She picked Gemma back up, carrying the crying baby past me.

I rolled my head back, letting out a deep breath, shutting the car door for her.

I waited a few minutes, letting myself calm down and think for a moment before following her back in the house, flashbacks of when I tried to kick her out coming to mind. 

I found her sitting in the living room, consoling Gemma, Sam sat across from her.

"You, with me, now" Kat snapped, grabbing me by my shirt and dragging me to the other room. "What the fuck did you do?!" She hissed quietly, her arms crossed, glaring at me.

"Please, not now-"

"No, what the hell just happened!" 

I shook my head, not wanting to deal with this right now. "It's none of your business Katrina" I went to walk out of the room, Kat grabbing my arm.

"Talk to me Colby!" 

"My relationship is MY relationship! I don't need you meddling"

"Colby-"

"Kat, please, if you're my friend, stay out of this"

"But Colby, what happened? Tell me, please"

I clasped my hands together, running them from my forehead to the back of my head, taking a deep breath, resisting the urge to crumple onto the floor. My eyes closed, as I tried to get it together.

No one knew that Leighton struggled with addiction. I can't just say I was stupid and accused her of being on something, when they don't know the whole story. I have zero energy right now to one, fill her in, two, argue with her, and three, betray Leighton like that and go deeper into the dog house.

I blew air out of my mouth, opening my eyes as I looked at her, "I can't. Not right now. I need to go fix this" I walked back into the living room, Sam now gone, Leighton nursing as she stared at the wall.

"Can I talk please? You just need to listen. You can still be mad, I fucked up, I get that.. just.. please, let me fix this" I begged, standing in front of her, Leighton glaring as she snatched a throw blanket to cover herself.

"What part of we're done don't you understand?" 

"The part where we're both stressed and saying things we don't mean"

Her face was hard, cold even, "Yeah? Well if accusing me of being on drugs can fall so easily out of your mouth, clearly we never had an understanding" 

"I fucked up, I'm sorry.. but would you rather me ask if you're fucking bipolar? I mean honestly, what the fuck was that back in the kitchen?" I asked, letting my second other thought slip out, instantly regretting it, but it was too late.

"Bipolar?"

"Yes fucking bipolar! You went from crying, to wanting to seduce me, to grinning!"

"And that makes me fucking bipolar? Who are you? My therapist?" 

"Your boyfriend actually, in case you forgot" 

Her eyebrows went up, a knowing look on her face, "Actually, I dumped your sorry ass" 

I rolled my eyes, instinctively replying "In your fucking dreams" instantly regretting it, quickly speaking up before she could go off again, "What's happening Leighton?" I asked, Leighton staying quiet which surprised me. I sighed yet again, feeling defeated as I sat down on the couch. "I'm sorry.. it's just, you're acting weird and you're not letting me in on what's going on inside of your head.. and yes, it came to my mind that maybe you were back on something but look at it from my point of view-"

"Your point of view is shitty"

"Leighton, please"

"I don't like being accused of being on drugs" She confessed quietly, so quiet that I almost didn't hear her.

"And I'm sorry that I did that"

I leaned forward on my knees, looking over at her tired face, seeing the tears roll down her face, Gemma's hand grabbing the blanket, pulling it down.

"Look it slipped out and I'm sorry"

Her eyes met mine, breaking my heart.

"Do you think I would do that?"

"Leigh-"

"No, really. Do you think I'd go back?" She asked, her tone full of insecurity.

Was she doubting herself? 

It was quiet for a moment, Leighton wiping her tears.

"Do you want to?" I asked her, watching the way her face reacted when she heard the question.

She chuckled dryly, rolling her eyes as she sniffled, "That's the million dollar question, isn't it?"

My heart dropped.

"No, cut the shit Leighton. Whoever this is, sitting in front of me isn't the girl I know. — Do you want to go back on drugs?"

I wasn't backing down. 

So what if we fight, yell things at each other, doesn't mean I love her any less. She wants to storm out of here, run to her parents house and tell me to fuck myself? At the end of the day, I know who she is, and I meant it when I said not every day was gonna be perfect. I'll still be here with an open door and open arms. You don't give up on people just because it gets hard.

Everyone abandons her, and I refuse to be another name on that list.

"I'm trying to expunge my record aren't I?"

I pursed my lips, shifting to the edge of the couch, "I don't know, are you?"

"I want to"

I sighed once again, tiredness starting to cloud my thoughts, "Is this how things are gonna be? I have to argue with you to get the truth?" I asked, Leighton fixing her nursing bra, sitting Gemma upright.

"I'm fucking terrified? Is that what you want to hear?" 

"If that's the truth, then yes. At the end of the day, all I want is the truth" I stood up, crouching in front of her, my hands resting on her knees. "I'm sorry for suggesting that you're on drugs. I know you're not" 

"I don't like thinking that you think that low of me" She said softly, rubbing salt into my wound of regret. "I just.. I want to start fresh, okay? Gabe always accused me of being on stuff, and even if he was right most of the time.. it hurt when he was wrong. It's exhausting having to constantly prove yourself. I'm not on drugs. I haven't been in months" She had this sad puppy dog look on her face"

"I believe you" I spoke quickly, speaking over her as she continued. 

"And it hurts hearing that that is what your mind went to first.... I know I'm to blame. I wrote this narrative for myself.. I just.. I wish I could rewrite my story" She frowned, leaning back against the couch, cuddling Gemma in an attempt to soothe the baby to sleep. 

"You can, and you are" I reassured her, wishing I could pull her into me and hold her. "I'm sorry that I doubted you.. just you've always talked about how when things get stressful, you tend to go back to using, or that the urge is more prevalent"

"It is, and I'm working on it.. I'm sorry for making you doubt me" She apologized and I quickly shook my head.

"No, I was in the wrong. I apologize for ever having doubt cross my mind. That was on me, and I'm incredibly sorry"

"I'm sorry for name calling you" She whispered, her hand under Gemma's butt, the other resting on her back as she attempted to get the child back asleep, changing positions as Gemma whined.

"Is this the part where we kiss and make up now?" I asked with a sly smile, Leighton's lips tugging upwards.

"You're annoying, you know that?" She muttered, her lips finally cracking into a smile.

I leaned forward, muttering "Ditto" against her lips before pressing a soft yet firm kiss, feeling the way her body instantly melts into mine. "Come on, let's get our sweet girl to bed, Gemma too" 

I woke up that morning to Gemma's sweet babbling, rolling out of bed, scooping her up.

"Good morning princess? — Jesus Christ you smell" I gagged, my nose wrinkling as I walked over to her diaper bag, finding her wipes.

One disgusting diaper change later, I found myself in the kitchen with Gemma, scrambled eggs in the pan.

"We gotta help momma today, think you can do that? Be good for mommy?" I asked her, bouncing her in front of me, trying to keep her entertained.

Halfway through making breakfast, she screamed to be put down, crawling all over the kitchen, opening any cabinet she could reach.

"Careful G" I called out, my eyes glancing down every two seconds to check what she was doing.

One cupboard slam later I knew this wasn't gonna end well, afraid her little fingers would find itself stuck between the harsh motion.

"G, want a spoon?" I waved a wooden spoon, handing it down to her, letting her bang it on things.

I got breakfast plated, calling Gemma to follow me like a dog, my hands too full to carry her.

"Ladies first" I motioned towards the stairs, hoping she could crawl up them, quickly learning she didn't know how. "You are your mothers daughter" I chuckled, setting the plate of food on the stairs, picking her up before carefully grabbing it. "You keep your grubby little hands out of my eggs. I know where those fingers have been" This baby has stuck her fingers in her diaper one too many times.

"Gemma Lorraine!" I gasped, a handful of my eggs between her fingers, watching her squish them and squeal. "Do not put those in your-" I started, her hand reaching her mouth, "Mouth" I exhaled in defeat, too late to stop her.

Her hand kept squishing the eggs, letting the pieces fall back onto my plate as she giggled.

I pushed open my door with my foot, setting my plate of baby fingered eggs on my desk before plopping the giggling baby on my bed, knowing she was about to get eggs on my freshly changed sheets. 

I placed Leightons plate on my side table, crawling into my bed, pulling Gemma to me by her leg, hearing her giggles. "Come here you little egg monster" I picked her up under her armpits, placing her on top of Leigh, "Time to wake Mommy"

Gemma ended up smacking Leigh pretty hard on the face, making me laugh even though I tried not to.

"G, you got to be nice" I reprimanded, trying to stifle my laughter as Leighton groaned.

"Say morning Momma, we made eggs" I encouraged, wincing and trying not to laugh as she smacked Leighton again.

"Morning" Leighton mumbled, her hand coming up to grab Gemma's hand. "Thank you for slapping me in the face, baby" She teased, carefully pulling Gemma off of her to lay between us, running her hand over the top of Gemma's head, taming her hair. She looked up over at me, a small smile on her face as Gemma cuddled into her, tugging at the neckline of her shirt, "Thank you for breakfast" 

We eventually got out of bed, and when we made our way downstairs to head out of the house, Kat had emerged from the bathroom, a stone cold glare on her face as Leighton slipped on her shoes.

I gave Kat a weird look, confused by the non-verbal interaction, Gemma waving around my car keys. Kat walked away, Sam's voice coming from the kitchen, asking her a question to which she replied as if she didn't just me a death glare

Once we had gotten to Leighton's parents home, there was a text on my phone from Katrina that read "We need to talk" confusing me since last night had nothing to do with her.

I removed the notification, letting my phone screen go black as Leighton got out of the car, opening the back door to get Gemma out.

When the front door opened I couldn't help but internally gasp at the sight of Leighton's mother.

"There's my sweet girl" Her mom's now raspy voice cooed, brushing her hand against the child's cheek. 

I shut the door softly behind us, Leighton and her mom having some small talk about the flight and our plans for today.

"Where's dad?" Leigh asked, letting Gemma down on the floor.

"He's with Landon at Cynthia's. He should be back in about 20 minutes"

Once we were alone in the kitchen, I asked quietly, "I thought she was getting better?", noticing the sadness in Leighton's eyes.

She just shrugged, fixing Gemma's bottle, Gemma tugging at my pant leg out of impatience.

"Hold on G" I chuckled, looking down at her, eventually giving in and picking her up, her body leaning forward with grabby hands, whining as she tried to get the bottle from her mom.

"Gemma, give me a second. I gotta make sure it isn't hot"

"Do you not give her cold milk yet?"

She shook her head, handing the bottle to Gemma who happily stuck the nipple into her mouth, trying to wiggle out of my hold, having me set her down.

"We're in trouble the second she learns how to use her feet, she's already a wiggly little baby" I chuckled, watching her sit on the tile with her bottle.

Leighton stayed quiet, moving over to the fridge and pulling out a juice container and setting it onto the counter, opening an overhead cupboard and grabbing a glass.

"Leighton? Is everything okay?" I watched her carefully, not sure how to take the silence.

I walked up behind her, moving her hair away from her neck and pressing a kiss against her cheek, "Talk to me Leigh" I spoke quietly, feeling her relax under my touch.

"I think moms sick again"

"Again? You mean still?" I corrected, confused when she shook her head.

"No, she was sick, like had a cold or whatever.. but Colby" She whimpered towards the end, setting her glass on the counter and turning around to face me. "She looks and sounds like when she was diagnosed" Her glossed over eyes made my instincts kick in, pulling her into my chest and wrapping my arms around her, holding her close. "I can't do this again" She whimpered against me, her face pushing into my neck.

I tried the glass half full approach, "Leighton, she could be okay" but she shut that down immediately.

"No, you don't understand.. She looks the same. That same sick look, the tiredness in the eyes, the droop of the skin... Colby" She turned to look up at me, a single tear rolling down her cheek, "I can't do this again. I can't lose her... do you think she knows?" 

"We don't even know if anything is wrong" I reminded her, wanting to take this pain away, but I knew it was here and going to stay.

"I know Colby. I know that look! That voice..."

"Leighton" I sighed, my sympathetic side taking over.

"She was supposed to be okay" She frowned, wiping the fallen tear from her cheek.

I stayed quiet, not having any idea of how to make this better. 

What do you say to someone who is worried their mothers cancer is back? 

Right when I went to finally reply, I was interrupted by her dad coming in through the garage door, a tired look on his face as well, before being quickly replaced with a fake excited smile when he noticed Leigh.

I immediately got that same gut feeling in my stomach that Leighton probably had and I had no idea how to fix it.

I knew we were in trouble, and I wasn't sure if I could keep picking up the pieces.

* * * *  

Written on: November 13th, 14th, 16th 2022

Published on: November 16th 2022

Word Count: 4339

Part Thirty Six

[britswriting]

Desire (31)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Either way by Demi Lovato is the anthem of this chapter. 

T/W: Accidental self harm - no objects used, mentions of blood, mentions of weed Her nails dig into her arm and it draws blood*^

Don't read if the idea of relapsing will be triggering to you. If you need, DM me and I will tell you what happens. Put yourself first.

*Leighton's POV*

I wanted to smoke in the worst way, to where I felt like there was the deepest itch under my skin, and I just couldn't scratch it.

I didn't want to use it to forget anything or replace my feeling, but because I just wanted to relax. I'm tired of being stressed and tense. That's how I got into weed in the first place. It was never supposed to go this far and I hate that I've ruined it for myself. I hate that I can't just leisurely do it. That it's become a craving. An addiction. 

I'm sitting in my grandparents garden, watching the sun start to rise and listening to the chirps of birds as I thought about our conversation last night, trying to ignore the itch.

I have a FaceTime call with Gemma at 5am because it would be noon back at home, so I've created a habit of getting up early to prepare myself for her overly excited self. 

You only make that mistake once. An overly excited screaming 6 month old when you just woke up was a recipe for disaster of giving me a headache later that day.

My Nonno was up with Mormor in the kitchen, the three of us saying a brief good morning before I slipped out onto the back patio, one of Colby's XPLR hoodies keeping me warm. I was slightly apprehensive about throwing it on this morning, but I didn't want to dig around in the room to find one of my own and possibly wake up Colby.

Something that has been on my mind a lot this morning is the words I love you and how much weight they hold. It's something that Colby doesn't say all the time.. but he's been saying it a lot more lately, and sometimes I just wish I could do the same. He's been so forward with our relationship — if that's even what we want to call this, that sometimes it feels overwhelming. I tend to get stuck in this headspace of wanting life to be a fairytale, and I know I put extremely high expectations on people; I just want everything to be different. I wanted to be different. I'm tired of history repeating itself.

Something people don't understand is how past relationships affect you. I'm not talking oh we broke up and it was really hard. It's more complex than that. My ex, my high school sweetheart, was there when I found out I was an addict. The moment I admitted it to myself was one of the worst days of my life. He was there doing it with me.. until he saw how bad it got, and then he turned against me. Not only was that journey really hard, but now we have a daughter together. I knew that we'd never fully cut ties. After all, he held a lot of my firsts. He plays the lead role in my memories... but no one thinks about what kind of mental torture it is. It was so hard to be in a fresh breakup and then have to share this pregnancy with him. Now, over a year later, we're trying to co-parent, but even that doesn't look right.

I just wanted to see that light at the end of the tunnel and have it all feel so serene. Instead, I felt like I was being tossed in another landfill every single day, just trying to find my way out. I just wanted something in my life to appear like the movies. I wanted to be able to relate to cliché cheesy books. I wanted that normalcy of understanding simple things, but the second I admitted I was an addict, and then that pregnancy test showed two lines... I knew I'd have nothing of the sorts.  Learning to adjust your mindset is incredibly hard, especially when you've always held these high expectations since you were just a little baby. After all; who didn't want to live in a fairytale?

The first time I said I love you to Gabe, I don't think I even understood what it meant. Hell, I don't think I understand what it means now. To me, loving someone is caring for them and wanting to protect them. To be with them all the time and want to wrap them up in bubble wrap and lock them away. I'd never want anything to happen to my family, or to Aaliyah. I loved them and wanted to keep them safe forever.

But maybe I'm wrong.

I've always heard about unconditional love, and I knew that a lot of people have it... but the more we talked about it in therapy, the more I've questioned if I've ever had it.

I think the closest thing I've gotten to unconditional love is either from Logan or Aaliyah, but I wasn't too sure anymore.

I felt my phone buzz against my thigh, pulling me out of my early morning thoughts. I smiled softly seeing it was Gabe, quickly sliding the green button across.

"Hi baby" I cooed, Gemma's messy face on my screen. "What is on her face?" I snickered, Gemma seeming to be covered in something red.

I could tell it wasn't blood, so I wasn't concerned, but I was curious as to what they had let my child get into.

"Oh uh, we let her use baby paint" Gabe said, moving the phone to show the piece of paper.

"Huh?"

"Well I wanted to try and get her to like paint her hand and put it on the paper or whatever, but she had more fun flinging it around. It's like watercolor paint" He explained and I nodded slowly, confused as to why my almost seven month old was playing with paint.

"Are you sure it's safe? Why is it all around her mouth?"

"It says it safe and that it's washable, and it's around her mouth because we painted her hand and before we could stick it to the paper, she brought her fingers to her mouth"

"Okay.." I trailed off, my eyebrows scrunched together. "For future reference, I'd prefer if you talked to me first about letting out 6 month old put toxins in her mouth, but I'm glad you uh, had fun"

I could hear the eye roll as he replied, "Leigh, you're acting like I poisoned her" which caused my jaw to clench a little.

"No, if it's baby safe, that's fine.. I just don't really want her eating it. What if it isn't? What was the age requirement? She seems too young to be painting"

"Leighton, stop worrying—"

"She's my daughter Gabriel! I'm going to worry!" I snapped, glaring at the phone screen.

"Leighton, it's just a silly art project, she's fine" He reassured, my eyes squinting from annoyance.

"That's not the point Gabe!"

"Leigh, she's my daughter too. I'm perfectly capable of doing things with her" He replied, his words sharp and bitter.

"I didn't say that! I'm just saying that she seems too young to be painting. I get they make like washable paint and crayons and shit, but Gabe, she's not even a year old yet!"

"Leighton, she's crawling, she has her first tooth, she's been babbling made up words more and more lately, she's growing up! She can do fun things now. She isn't just strapped to her bouncer whilst you fold laundry" 

"I know she's growing up, Gabe! I'm just worried about her being too young to be exposed to that sort of stuff. I'm not saying I don't appreciate that you are doing things with her—"

"In case you forgot Leighton, I'm her fucking father" he interrupted, hissing his words at me, the camera turning to show his face.

I took a deep breath, not wanting to argue this early in the morning.

I was already wiped from Colby and I's conversation hours previous, I didn't want to argue with Gabe as well.

"I've never once said you weren't her father" I replied softly, wanting to change the tone of the conversation.

"Really? Because you seemed perfectly fine just tossing our daughter over to Colby for 2 weeks, but the second I have her you're acting like she's going to fall apart!" 

"What? No I'm not! What is wrong? Why are you mad at me for being concerned about our daughters' health and safety? And by the way, you were team Colby six months ago when you practically shoved me into his arms!"

"Because you don't trust me with simple things!" He replied, ignoring the last topic.

"That's not true, if I didn't trust you, you wouldn't be watching her right now!"

"Gabe, are we ready to go?" An unrecognizable female voice called out, catching my attention. 

What caught my attention even more is how wide Gabe's eyes went for a second.

He had the perfect look of, oh shit.

"Whose that?" I asked, Gemma yelling, her hands hitting the highchair tray.

"Zara" He answered immediately, his eyes looking past the phone screen.

"Oh" I hummed, not sure how to react.

I wanted to chew him out for having his girlfriend over without my knowledge, but I also hang out with Colby, or Sam, or Kat without him knowing every single time.. but at the same time, some girl I've never met was at my home, with my daughter, and I wasn't there.

"When did she get there?" I asked, trying to bite my tongue and not let my bitter words roll off.

"Last night"

I nodded slowly, "Can I just see Gemma please?" I asked, too emotionally exhausted to even think about arguing right now. I just wanted it all to stop.

Towards the end of our call, Mormor came out to ask me if I was willing to run to the bakery for some bread, which led to her fussing over Gemma and how cute she was.

It definitely made me feel guilty for not bringing her, but I knew I needed to trust my gut instincts and remember that she is safe with Gabe at home.

 Emma and I left for the bakery that morning, making it the cherry on top of my fucked up morning.

"It's weird to have you back" She spoke first, surprising me that she was trying to make conversation.

"Weird to be back" I muttered, not wanting to have small talk.

"You have a boyfriend now" Emma stated, and I sighed.

"We're not dating"

"Oh?" Her voice went up an octave as she looked over at me. "But you told your Nanna that he was your boyfriend"

"I know what I said. We're dating. It's too complex to explain to her, it's easier to just say we're boyfriend and girlfriend; than explain the situation."

"You just said you weren't dating?" Emma replied, confused.

I groaned, wanting desperately to hit my head on the nearest wall.

"Can you just leave me alone? Haven't you fucked my life over enough?" I snapped, tired of feeling her judgmental eyes burn holes into my skin.

"I didn't fuck your life up" She scoffed, myself glaring as she continued. "You have a hot American boyfriend, you're clearly fine"

I rolled my eyes, biting my tongue and turning to look out the window, the town coming into view.

"Leigh-"

"Shut the hell up already before I drop kick your ass into a ditch" I grumbled, too tired to deal with her crap this early in the morning.

"But I-"

"Shut up or I will kill you" I threatened, resisting the urge to jump out of the moving car.

"Leigh I didn't-"

"Emma shut the fuck up! I'm tired of having to hear your fucking voice. Especially at 6 in the morning!"

"Leighton, I'm not the same girl I was 10 years ago!" She quickly spat out, her words slurred together.

"That's what they all say" I grumbled, thankful the bakery was just up the road.

She thankfully didn't say a word the entire transaction for our bread, the car ride back to my grandparents being dead silent.

I placed the freshly baked bread on Mormor's kitchen countertop, not sure where she keeps this sort of stuff anymore.

Emma slipped out the back garden doors, my own feet carrying me to Colby and I's shared bedroom, surprised Nonno didn't throw a fit.

I went to twist the knob when the door across from mine opened, a freshly dressed Katrina walking out.

"Morning" She gave me a small smile and I returned with a nod, slowly twisting the knob.

I slipped into the room, Colby still passed out on the bed, the comforter laying across his hips.

I leaned against the closed bedroom door, staring at his sleeping body in our shared bed, chewing on my bottom lip.

It felt unreal.

I wanted to smoke so bad. I just wanted to get rid of this feeling. To feel okay for a few hours. I was tired of my brain feeling like it wasn't going to explode, my nervous system feeling like static and my heart racing from just the littlest noise.

I wanted a break from myself, and that scared me.

I knew that abandonment was my trigger. That the idea of people leaving made me want to relapse and drown it out.. but this felt different.

It's not that I was afraid of Colby leaving, even if I was pushing him away. I just wanted to feel okay. To be okay with the punches thrown at me.

I was tired of drowning. I just wanted to swim.

I felt my nails dig into my forearm, trying to get rid of the painful itch under my skin. My eyes were filling up with tears and my legs felt like they weren't going to give out at any moment.

I could feel the sting on my arm, my eyes snapping down just in time to see a trail of blood seep from under my nail and roll down my arm.

I knew it was bad, every alarm bell was going off in my head, but I couldn't take my nails off my skin. The burn felt nice. It was taking my thoughts away from the itch.

The itch was annoying, the burn was different. It was a good distraction.

I could feel my nails dig deeper into my arm, blood soaking the pad of my fingertips. My body slid down the bedroom door as I choked on a sob, every piece of my brain telling me to rip my hand away from my arm, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I wanted a change. I wanted to be better for Colby, for Logan, for Aaliyah, for my parents, and most importantly, for Gemma. I wanted to change.

She deserved better.

They all did.

My sobs drowned out the pain, my eyes squeezing shut out of desperation to get myself to stop.

I had to stop.

I heard a gasp, my eyes peeking open, but it was all blurry. Next thing I felt was a hand ripping my hand off of my arm and tugging me up off the floor and into their arms.

"Shh, it's okay. You're okay" He soothed, wrapping my arms around his neck before lifting under my thighs, twisting the doorknob open and carrying us to the bathroom.

"Woah, what's going on" I heard a female voice ask, but I couldn't focus. My nails found my arm again behind Colby's head and they pressed in, a painful moan being muffled by Colby's warm skin as a sob whimpered onto his skin.

"Out" I heard Colby demand, my thighs hitting the bathroom countertop.

"Shit, Leighton Rae I swear to god" I heard him grumble, ripping my hand off of my skin again.

My eyes were squeezed shut and I heard the faucet turn on.

"Get out!" Colby spoke in urgency, my head hung low before I hissed, warm water hitting my fresh wounds.

"No, what's going on?" I recognized Emma's voice, tears rolling down my face as the washcloth pressed into my wounds.

"None of your fucking business" Colby hissed, my eyes opening to see a panicked Emma standing behind him. Her eyes were locked on my arm, and that's when I saw how bad it was.

"Leigh, it's okay. You're okay. Does your grandma have a first aid kit?" he asked and I shrugged, my lip quivering as my shoulders shook.

"Fuck" He breathed out, backing away from me. He turned to look at Emma, glaring at her, "Emma, get out"

"No! Tell me what's going on" She persisted, her body language showing that if she was a child, she would be stomping her feet and throwing a fit.

"Leigh, you need gauze. These are deep"

"I'm sorry" I whimpered, guilt taking over as I watched his face fill with dreadful concern. "You don't have to. It's okay, I'll uh.. I'll find something" my voice shook, my body going to slip off of the counter, but Colby's hands pressed into my thighs.

"Leigh, why?" He asked quietly, either afraid of Emma hearing, or in a state of disbelief.

"I-I don't.. I don't know" My voice wavered, another tear slipping down my face.

Colby's thumb wiped his, his hands cradling my face.

"I was just.. I was scratching. I'm sorry" I whispered, my face scrunched up out of emotional pain, threatening to fall apart in front of him.

"No Leighton. That's not scratching!" He exclaimed, stepping back away from me, my eyes quickly glancing over towards Emma who was standing in the doorway. "You have fucking gouges in your skin!"

"It was an accident!" I whined, his shameful eyes glaring at me.

"And why do I have a hard time believing that, huh?!" He exclaimed, his chest puffing out.

"You're being a dick! It was an accident!" 

"You're telling me you didn't fucking notice your nails making gouges in your skin?! Bullshit!"

"Stop yelling at me! You're acting like Gabe, and that's the last fucking thing I need" I hissed, jumping off the counter and pushing both Colby and Emma out of the way. 

I basically slammed Emma into the doorframe, racing down the stairs and snatching my phone and shoes before slamming the front door closed.

I ran.

I ran down that dirt road like my life depended on it. My warm wet tears are now becoming cold and itchy as my feet carry me.

It was an accident.

No one ever believes me.

I kept hearing my own words telling me I wanted to change. That I couldn't keep running... but I also didn't want to be yelled at for something that was an accident. 

I was tired of fighting.

I truly didn't mean to hurt myself. It just.. it shut my brain off. It felt good.

The scratching turned to pressure, which turned to digging.. and now blood drips down my arm as I run away from my issues yet again.

Flashbacks of finding out my mom had cancer kept playing through my head like a snuff film. I wanted it to stop.

I needed it to stop.

I walked down the plush grass to a tiny creek, the soft sound of the water sending my system into ease.

Peace.

I sat next to the creek, my feet dipping into the water as a few tears slipped down my cheeks. 

All I could repeat to myself is "I want to be different"

I wanted so badly to be better for Colby. To be on the same page and be able to go with the flow. To not constantly feel like I was holding him back. 

I was afraid to lose him, but I was terrified of hurting him. It was a vicious cycle.

There were so many things I could've done differently. Ways they taught me to cope, to get through this feeling... but I was so far away from home. I couldn't just ring up Elizabeth, my sponsor, it for starters is too expensive. I do not have the money for an international phone call. I don't even know where the nearest meeting was in Italy, and for a distraction.. I was surrounded by all of my issues. I was simply drowning in my own stress and worry.

I let out a deep breath, my phone buzzing in my pocket.

I looked down at my arm, the red fingernail marks were starting to stop their weeping, the sting still there.

Something that caught my eye though was the cleaned edges.

Yes my arm was deep red, and there was a horrific injury on it... but he cleaned my wounds.

He handled them with care, and patience... It seemed poetic.

Here I was, broken and bruised and trying to figure it all out.. and he's shown me nothing but tender love and care and patience. 

He didn't fix my wound, but he did try to heal it.

He wiped the edges, adding the pressure to stop the bleeding, and removed my hand from making it worse.

He protected me from myself, because he loved me and it showed with the simplest wipe of the cleaned edge, ridden from the dried blood.

He loved me.

Those words didn't really sink in until now. 

The loud gasp from him awakening to my cries and the urgency of comforting me.. and then prying my nails off of my skin... all the way to picking me up in a hug and carrying me to tend to the wound...

The way his arms held me close, and his hands cradled my face.. his harsh words weren't of judgment and shame.. but fear.

He's afraid of me. Of what I'd do... and when. 

He can't trust me, because he's afraid. 

The same way I can't date him, because I'm afraid.

And why do I have a hard time believing that, huh?! His words echoed in my head, sounding exactly like Gabe when I would tell him I had stopped smoking, only to be caught with the rolled joint between my fingertips when I thought he was sleeping.

You're telling me you didn't fucking notice your nails making gouges in your skin?! Bullshit!

Of course it seemed like there was intent. I was causing myself great harm without a bat of an eye. It was reckless, and stupid. 

My phone buzzed again, and this time I pulled it out, Colby's name across the screen as I slid the gray button across.

"Hello" I spoke quietly, not trusting my voice.

"Leigh, where are you!" He sounded panicked, guilt settling in my chest.

"I uh.. down the road, on the right, there's a creek" I answered, my hand shaking. "Can you.. in my bag, my suitcase I mean, there is a tiny blue box, it has backup period products, band aids and ChapStick.. Can you bring some band aids please? I'm sorry"

I waited for Colby, my eyes transfixed on the water in front of me as I watched it ripple.

I don't know how long I sat there, my toes basically going numb before I heard Colby say "thank god" matched with rustling behind me.

I looked over my shoulder to see him carrying a bag down the hill.

"You got to stop running. Sam was the one who did track, I wasn't built for this" he breathed heavily, almost slipping which made me snicker to myself. "Emma found disinfectant" He announced, carefully sitting down next to me.

"I'm sorry I ran away" I apologized, knowing it didn't mean anything since I continued to do the same action I had recently apologized for.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

I watched him open the zipper, pulling out disinfectant and a wipe.

"I'm sorry" I apologized again, Colby carefully grabbing my left arm, wincing at the wounds.

"I don't understand why" He replied quietly, tipping the disinfectant onto the wipe. "It's gonna sting" he mumbled and I nodded.

"Why did I hurt myself?" I asked, Colby humming. "I uh.. it truly wasn't on purpose. I wasn't lying"

"I don't understand why" he sighed, sounding aggravated.

"Can I be brutally honest without you judging me?" I asked quietly, the sound of birds chipping filling the noise around us.

"Of course, you know that" He frowned, his eyes watery with concern.

"I uh.. I woke up this morning, and I wanted to smoke" I confessed, Colby tensing as he registered what just rolled off my tongue. "I wasn't going to. Please don't be afraid. I told you that you weren't going to be the cause of my relapse. That if you left, I wouldn't relapse, and I meant it. None of this— Colby, listen to me" I stopped, Colby showing signs that he was off in his own little world. 

His eyes looked up at me, a small smile tugging on my lips as his crystal clear eyes were filled with tears.

"I'm sorry that my reckless actions scared you. I didn't mean for any of this to happen" I apologized again, my heart dropping as a tear rolled down his cheek. "Please don't cry" I whispered, reaching up to wipe his tear away.

I watched his face scrunch up, more tears spilling down his rosy cheeks. 

"You're hurting Leigh, and I can't fix it" He spoke like it was the hardest thing to get out, his throat clearly clenched as his eyes slowly opened, desperation staring back at me. "I woke up to you sobbing Leighton. Bloody murder crying. You were in so much pain, and I couldn't stop it" He spoke with desperation, his eyes filled with tears as he glanced back down, carefully tending to my wounds again as heavy tears started rolling down his cheeks, taking me back to my previous thoughts about how he was so tender with the wounds.

He was soft, and gentle as he cleaned the cuts, carefully rubbing the blood off and softly swiping around the sensitive edges.

He cared.

"I'm so sorry" I whimpered, Colby's eyes snapping up to my face at the sound.

"I never want to see your delicate skin splattered in crimson ever again" He told me and I nodded, my lip trembling as I tried to keep it together.

"I'm so sorry" I continued to repeat, not sure how to fix this. "It's just.. It felt good, Colby. It felt so good" I cried, my head thrown back as I tried to stop the tears. "I couldn't shake the itch. The craving. I just.. I wanted it so bad, and I.. I began to itch my arm and I was just mad at myself, and the situation I had not only gotten you in, but everyone in my life.. and my nails just pressed, and pressed and pressed.. and the next thing I knew, there was bright red blood trickling down my arm. I didn't.. I didn't mean to. I never meant to hurt you. You shouldn't be here fixing me" I sighed at the end, frowning at how this scene has repeated itself in multiple ways.

"I don't want to fix you, Leighton. I just want to love you" He replied carefully, his eyes focused on the wounds he was now bandaging.

My body shook as I cried, gasping for air hearing those three words

"Say it again" I whimpered, my eyes tightly closed.

"Say what? I love you?" He asked and I nodded quickly. "I love you" He replied, a sob escaping my lips as I nodded, my throat closing up and trapping the words I so desperately wanted to exchange. "I'm so hopelessly in love with you Leighton Rae"

"Fuck" I cried, collapsing forward and pressing my lips hard into his own, my tears streaming down my face as I tried so hard to get him to read my mind through this kiss.

His lips melted against mine, my arms holding him close to me as I cried into the kiss before collapsing into his neck.

"I want.. I want.. I want to.. I want to be.. be.. be.. be better.. for you" I blubbered, struggling to breathe as my tears soaked his t-shirt.

Colby pulled my face out of his collarbone, his hands cradling my cheeks as he wiped my tears off my cheeks which the pads of his thumbs, his other fingers keeping my head steady before laying a tender kiss against my lips.

He pulled away and breathed out, "I don't want better, I want you" before kissing me again as I continued to cry and hyperventilate.

"But I... I.. I want to.. to.. to be better... for you. You.. you deserve so much.. so much better" I struggled against his lips, trying to breath as our foreheads rested against each other.

"Leighton, listen to me, and listen to me closely. I want the good, I want the bad... I want the ugly. When it rains, it pours.. but there is always the rainbow. I want to watch that rainbow with you. You don't want a title because you're afraid of ruining things.. but you aren't considering the good that could happen. Whether we use the boyfriend, girlfriend, title or not... it doesn't change that that is what it feels like. You mean more to me than some random bathroom fuck in a dirty bar. You're not a whore, and you're not my friend. You're far more than that. I want you, and your flaws... this, this right here" He motioned to my face, "this ugly crying.. you've never looked more beautiful"

"I'm crying like Kim Kardashian Colby" I laughed, wiping at my face.

"But you're being vulnerable, and that's beautiful"

"No, I'm being stupid"

"Being in pain isn't stupid Leighton" He softly lectured, his own teary eyes staring into mine. "I much rather have you wrapped in my arms crying, than not in my arms at all"

"But I don't.. don't want this.. for either one.." I paused, my heavy breathing making it hard to speak, "either one of us" I struggled, my throat tight as my nose started to drip. "Gross" I muttered, wiping at my nose, Colby chuckling softly.

"Leigh, there are things I don't want to do to you either... We both have flaws. I know that. You know that. Let's work on them together"

"I don't want to hurt you" I frowned, wiping at my nose again as my eyes burned.

"They say communication is key. I think if we both really tried... we'd be okay" He gave me a soft smile, his eyes full of both pain and adoration.

"You really want to be seen in public with this" I motioned to my face, "every day?" I asked, making Colby laugh and nod.

"If you're willing to be seen with this" he pointed at his own face, more towards the acne on his cheek and jawline.

"Emma thinks you're hot" I shot out, trying to prove a point that he had nothing to worry about.

"Well Emma isn't my girlfriend, so I don't care" Colby replied back instantly, a small smile tugging at my lips.

"Why do you like the girlfriend title?" I asked softly, swiping the last fallen tears off my rosy cheeks.

"I know you're not mine. I don't own you.. but I like the idea of you only wanting to be with me. I like what the title means. I like the loyalty behind the title. If we're dating, you can still go out with whomever the fuck you want... but with the girlfriend title.. loyalty is implied. I don't know about you, but I am not polyamorous"

"But we already agreed to be exclusive?" I frowned, confused.

"Which is why I don't understand why you won't be my girlfriend" He shot back, his lips pursing out of confusion.

"There are a lot of expectations with that title, and I don't think I can meet them anymore" I admitted, my hands resting on his back, my arms draped behind his neck.

"Why don't you ask me what my expectations are, instead of assuming?" Colby suggested, my eyes widening a little.

I didn't think of that.

"What are your expectations?" I asked quietly, my mind both numb, and racing with thoughts.

When I was with Gabe, things were good.. or so I thought.. There were just a lot of rules and expectations, it was tiring.

"Well for starters, I expect you to not cheat on me" he laughed and I rolled my eyes, a smile on my face as I let out a breathy laugh, nodding. "I expect you to make an Instagram account and like all my photos and leave thirst trap comments" he said, my eyes widening.

"Wait, really?"

"No" He laughed and I glared.

"Colby!"

"What" he grinned and I glared.

"I thought you were going to give me your actual expectations!"

"I mean, I wouldn't mind having your filthy thoughts in my dms"

"Why would I dm you, if I could just text you, or better yet, send you photos?"

"Photos huh? You're a sexter?" He asked and I bit my bottom lip, trying to keep my words to myself. 

"I did it once, and they got spread around the school.. so" I confessed, Colby's eyes widening.

"What the fuck? Who'd you send them to?"

I glared, "Gabe, who else?!"

"That fucker shared your photos?" He scoffed, sounding disgusted.

I shrugged, glancing away out of embarrassment.

"Leighton, that's not okay. When was that?"

"Uh... When I was 16?"

"So there were photos of you at 16, a minor, spread across the school?" He asked and I shrugged, nodding. "What did your school do about it?" He asked, getting riled up which made me nervous. 

I shrugged again, because there was nothing done. 

"Was it in like lingerie or were your tits out?"

I couldn't help but laugh at his wording, Colby not finding it amusing at all.

"My tits were out" I responded, my hands rubbing up and down his back in an effort to calm him down.

"Leighton, that's not okay!"

"Should I have not taken the photo?" I frowned, confused at what part he was angry with.

"You can take as many photos of your naked body as you'd like. It's your body. The fact that someone you trusted enough to share them with, shared them, and in such a public place is revolting. How are you not mad?"

"I was embarrassed.. but to be honest, I was high most of that year. Plus, the damage was done" I shrugged again.

"But Leigh–"

"Colby, it was 5 years ago" I reminded him, my thumbs rubbing against his neck in a soothing manner.

"Doesn't mean I like that it happened" he huffed and I smiled at him, leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

"I didn't like it either, but it happened, I moved on" I reminded him, and he nodded.

"Have you taken nudes since?" 

"Um.. I took photos with Aaliyah when I found out I was pregnant. She wanted to capture my pre baby body before my bump really took over my abdomen"

"I kind of miss the bump" He replied, surprising me.

"Why? I was not a fun pregnant person" I laughed, Colby leaning back on the palms of his hands.

"I dunno, the idea of a baby being inside there was weird.. but like.. I liked the process. None of my friends have been through that process before. It was interesting. I liked being there for Gemma's birth. I liked doing our late night craving runs. It just.. it was fun. I liked it" He shrugged and I smiled softly at him, loving how much he loved helping me. "Would you want to do it again?" He asked, catching me off guard.

"What, be pregnant?"

"Mhm"

"Um.. under different circumstances maybe. I'd preferably not be single, not have a criminal record, have a stable income and home etcetera"

"Are you in the process of getting it expunged?"

 "I'm saving up for that, yes. It's an expensive process"

"I can pay Leigh-"

"No, it was my fuck up. I get to pay the price now, quite literally"

"But you're trying to build up savings for a house, and Gemma's college fund"

"And getting my record gone. It'll be okay. I'll figure it out. As long as I have your support, I'll be fine"

"That was cheesy!" he laughed, making me smile as I shrugged.

"It's true though. I've never had a support system. I mean, I had Cynthia.. but I guess that's touch and go now. I had Aaliyah, but she's in Tennessee now, and Logan.. well.. Logan is overseas"

"Are you doing okay with Logan being gone?" he checked in and I nodded.

"It sucks, but you get used to it I guess. I call him sometimes.. leave voicemails. Maybe that's clingy" 

"There is nothing wrong with doing something that brings you comfort. It's understandable that you miss him. I think it's cute that you leave him voicemails"

"We're getting off track" He laughed, "We were talking about your expectations of a relationship"

"I haven't been in many relationships, Leighton. You really just go with the flow and figure it out. It's not like I expect a goodnight phone call every night. We FaceTime and hang out during the week. We talk and talk all the time. We've already figured out what works for us. The only difference between us dating, and the girlfriend title is just you being called my girlfriend, and me your boyfriend. I don't understand why you have so much pressure around the title"

"A lot of things changed when Gabe and I made it official, and with Silas, I just.. I never caught feelings. He was fun to hang out with, I liked doing things with him.. but the romantic feelings just weren't there. I have the same issue with girls. I can fuck them, but I can't gain that romantic emotional feeling towards them" I confessed, not being able to stop the rambling.

"Did you have feelings for Gabe?" Colby asked, confusing me.

"I dated him for years" 

"That doesn't mean you were in love with him"

My face scrunched up, extremely confused.

"You're talking like you've been in love dozens of times"

Colby shook his head, "I know what it feels like now"

"That's not fair!" I whined, laughing as I threw my head back, a big grin on my face.

Colby's hands tightened on my hips so I didn't fall back, pulling me back up to him.

"Mm" he hummed, kissing my lips, "Hopefully if I play my cards right, you'll know soon" He smiled at me, my cheeks tight from grinning, turning red as I stared into his eyes.

"You're so annoying" I laughed, Colby kissing me again.

"I'm sorry for what happened last night" He apologized, my head shaking in disapproval.

"You don't have to apologize"

"I do, and I will. I should have remembered those things about you. You're more to me than just Gemma's mother.. I just, you both mean a lot to me, and I want you to know that. I want you to know that I know you are a package deal, and that agreeing to be with you, means I get Gemma as well. I know what I'm getting into and I do understand that you like to do things without her. I just.. I don't want you to think I only want you for Gemma. You're not filling a fantasy or playing a role... you mean more than that to me and I'm sorry you've had to feel anything different. I didn't mean to make you doubt how I felt about you. I know Sam and Kat feel the same way, and we include you to do things you can do with Gemma, because we know she'll come along. We know you can't have a babysitter as easily and that's perfectly okay. We love hanging out with the both of you. I'm extremely sorry you've been having doubts that made you think any differently" He said sincerely, his eyes locked on mine the entire time.

"God I've been a bitch" I breathed out, shaking my head out of disbelief in myself.

"You're not a bitch, don't call yourself that" He lectured and I snickered.

"What else am I supposed to say? I haven't exactly been a walk in the park"

"Mm" He hummed, "You've been a good hike though" 

"Shut up!" I squealed, smacking him softly on the back of his head making him laugh.

"You're feisty today, stop smacking me" He laughed and I grinned, shaking my head.

"I love with anger" I grinned, pretending to slap him across the face before slowing my hand down and lightly tapping his cheek.

"Mm, use that in bed, not by a creek" He teased, squeezing my hips.

"Drowning isn't sexy?" 

"You know.. it's not exactly on the top of my list" 

"Awe, why not? Your body dripping in water—"

"Filthy creek water at that" he chimed in.

"Yum" I joked, Colby shaking his head before kissing me.

"We need to get you back home, we have plans today and I want to see your wounds in the bathroom light. Make sure they're cleaned enough"

He helped me, keeping my hand intertwined in his as he grabbed the backpack.

"Hey, I'm sorry for last night, and uh, my arm" I apologized again as we started walking, Colby turning his head to look at me.

"Let's forget about it. Your grandfather has roped us into helping him today, and tomorrow is your birthday. We'll both try harder, and next time you feel like relapsing, talk to us. We want the best for you Leigh. We don't like to see you in pain. I don't like to see you in pain. Especially when I can't fix it, or help"

"I'm sorry" I apologized again, remorse filling my chest thinking about hurting him.

"Stop apologizing. Let's just get home before your grandfather has me by my neck"

* * * *

Ngl I struggled with how to end this one, I could’ve just kept writing them talking.. But I was pushing 7k, I needed to wrap it up lol

Have y'all figured out why it's called Desire yet? lol

Written on: October 15th, 17th, 18th, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th 2022

Published on: October 25th 2022

Word Count: 6879

Part Thirty Two

[britswriting]

Desire (27)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

I've never felt more dumb in my life than I do right now, sitting in the hotel by myself.

My head just kept replaying everything that happened, from Kat and I joking around, to me yelling at Colby, all the way to the silent car ride back.

No one said a word.

I sat on the hotel bed, scrolling through photos on my phone, trying to drown out the thoughts in my head as I waited for Colby to come back, that is if he ever comes back.

He ended up going to Sam and Kat's room three hours ago, and I haven't seen or heard from him since.

I wanted this room to swallow me whole.

The AC unit was the only sound in the room, and it felt suffocating.

I ended up lulling off to the soft hum of the amenities whilst waiting, only to get the crap scared out of me when Sam and Colby busted through the door, yelling my name.

"WHAT?!" I shouted, gasping as my whole body jolted forward. "Jesus christ" I exhaled, my heart pounding as they stood in front of the bed with their laptop.

"WE CAUGHT GOOD EVIDENCE DURING YOUR FLASHLIGHT CONVERSATION!" Sam exclaimed, making my head pound.

"Great. Good for you. I'm going back to bed" I muttered, slumping back down, tugging the comforter back up and rolling over.

"Don't you want to see?" Sama asked, and I felt pressure on the bed next to me.

"I've had a shit day, I wanna sleep" I replied, my words muffled by the pillow.

"But Leigh-" Sam started, Colby cutting him off.

"Let me talk to her. We can show her in the morning, it's fine. We really should get some sleep" He said, surprising me.

They talked back and forth for a minute before Sam ended up leaving and I felt the bed still, hearing Colby's breathing next to me.

"Are you asleep?" he asked softly and I mentally sighed.

"Trying to be" I muttered back tiredly, wanting to be back in the peaceful environment that was my unconscious.

"I know you're really tired.. but I just want to say sorry again. I have a lot to apologize for, but mainly I'm sorry for making you feel like shit" 

I sighed out loud this time, rolling onto my back, shifting around a bit only to see Colby was also laying on his back, his head turned to look at me.

"You didn't make me feel like shit" I said and he just stared at me. "We both said things we shouldn't have. I'm just as much at fault as you are. I never should've sworn, yelled, or pushed you. I'm incredibly sorry for that" I apologized, Colby's face scrunching up a bit.

"You were upset. I said things I shouldn't have. I deserved that"

I quickly shook my head, now staring at the ceiling, not wanting to look at his eyes anymore. "No one deserves that. If the tables were turned, and it was you doing that to me, a lot of people would consider it domestic abuse. I had no right to yell at you"

"Leighton, you were angry. I understand" 

"Stop brushing my actions under the rug" I grumbled, feeling frustrated by how understanding he always is.

"Leighton-" he started but I shook my head.

"I have to be held accountable Colby! I have a daughter! I can't be yelling and swearing at you and running away all the time! I'm going to be twenty two! I have an almost 7 month old! I need to grow the fuck up! What I did was not okay! It was me who raised their voice, who swore, who ran.... I can't do that anymore. No matter how mad you make me"

The room ran quiet and I sighed, rolling over so I was facing away from him.

I wasn't in that position for too long before I felt his arm wrap over my hip, draping down to rest softly against my covered stomach.

I stilled, unsure of why he was snuggling into me.

Wasn't he mad at me?

I felt him brush my hair off my neck, his warm breath hitting the sensitive skin behind my ear.

"It's okay to have flaws Leigh" He murmured against my ear; shivers going down my spine.

I felt my body physically shake as the goosebumps rose on my arms, Colby chuckling softly against my neck.

"Sorry" he murmured, making me smile. 

"You're not sorry" I laughed, rolling over so I was on my back, our faces inches apart as I turned my neck.

"I am sorry" He corrected me and I grinned, shaking my head.

"You love that you just sent shivers down my spine, don't lie to me. I can see the gleam in your eyes" 

"I mean, I love the way your body reacts to my touch but I am sorry for giving you the shivers"

"Your lips made my spine shiver, I know you're gonna be cheeky about it" 

"The only one being cheeky about it is you" He laughed and I playfully rolled my eyes, moving so I was straddling his thighs. "And I'm the cheeky one?!" He laughed loudly, my eyes widening as I shushed him, a smile on my face as I held my finger to my mouth.

"It's late! Don't wake up the neighbors!" I whisper yelled, my other hand covering his mouth, feeling him smile against me. 

"It's literally almost 7am. The suns coming up" He teased when I removed my hand.

"I know, we need to go to bed but jetlag" I whined, rolling off his thighs, my body plopping against the mattress.

"You were literally just asleep" He snickered and I sighed, covering my face with my hands.

"I know, but then you woke me" I replied, my words muffled through my hands.

"I'm sorry baby, let's go to sleep and we can argue over lunch" He chuckled, myself giggling along with him.

That night Colby and I fell asleep with my back to his chest, his hand draped over my side and when I woke up 6 hours later, I couldn't help but bask in the new position.

I shifted under him, his arm falling down to the mattress, my body freezing in hopes that he wouldn't wake up.

Thankfully he's a pretty deep sleeper, so I carefully rolled out of bed slowly, and carefully tip-toed over to my suitcase, grabbing my pump and my phone before going into the bathroom.

I honestly looked like a mess.

Makeup was smeared all over my face from crying, my hair looked like post sex hair without any of the fun and my boobs and bladder wanted to go go to jail for second degree murder.

The cutest part of this wakeup, was my boobs were in fact leaking and you could see the cute patches on my t-shirt.

I've never felt more attractive.

I tossed my hair up, tugging my shirt off due to how uncomfortable the patches felt on my pretty sensitive nipples.

It was cold, and sticky, and all around gross.

I peed, pumped and showered without Colby waking up, and I'd like to call that a miracle. 

The worst part of pumping away from my daughter is the fact that I have to dump the liquid gold down the sink.

Every single time I get flashbacks to the first time I had to do it, Gabe's face popping up in my head as I watched it pour down the sink, rising out the bottles.

I honestly never thought I'd say this; but I can't wait to go home and breastfeed my daughter.

I truly miss those moments with her. She was the sweetest milk drunk baby ever, and to be honest, I'm going to miss it when she's on solids.

We were currently seven hours ahead of Minnesota, so it was 12 here and almost 7 there, meaning whilst I was doing my hair I got a FaceTime call from Gabe, smiling at my sweet girl on the screen.

She was snuggled into his chest, a blanket tucked under her arm and a bottle in her hands.

They were rocking in the rocking chair, clearly getting ready for bedtime.

I instinctively turned off the bathroom light, a small window being my only source of light so the screen wasn't bright on her face.

I honestly loved seeing her snuggle with her dad. I wanted nothing but the best for her, and it made me feel good seeing that she was doing okay.

She was starting to become pretty clingy and cuddly when I left which I was worried about, but thankfully she seems to be alright.

I gave her my full attention, my heart breaking when her little pouty lip started to quiver, her hands reaching out to the phone.

"I know baby, mommy misses you too" I frowned, her eyes becoming glossy.

Before I knew it, her  little lips kissed the screen making me laugh.

"Thank you baby" I spoke softly, wishing I was there so badly.

After about 15 minutes, Gabe let me go due to having to put her to bed and when the call dropped, I took a deep breath collecting all of my emotions and shoving them deep down.

I needed to focus on Colby right now, and making things right.

I slipped on some comfy jeans, a light sweater and sneakers in hopes of finding a place that would serve breakfast at lunchtime.

I texted Colby's phone that I left and would be back soon, knowing he usually checked his phone first thing in the morning.

I walked past multiple clothing stores and all sorts of different people, my eyes scanning any place that could maybe sell food.

I clicked on my phone and did a quick Google search.

After a few moments, I found a bakery that was a mile away, so I headed in that direction hoping I didn't get lost.

On my way back, carrying two takeout boxes of crepes, I heard my phone ring but my hands were too full to answer.

A nice woman held open the door for me, letting me walk in the hotel lobby.

Sadly, there was no nice lady standing near my hotel room, so I placed the boxes on the ground, sliding the keycard in and pushing the door open, bending over to grab the food only to hear Colby's voice call out "Leigh?" making me mentally groan.

You were supposed to be sleeping.

The door softly closed behind me, the latch sound filling the room as I made my presence known, Colby sitting upright in the unmade bed.

"What's that?" He asked, motioning to the black boxes.

"Breakfast" I replied, carefully setting them down on the dresser.

"You got breakfast?" he asked and I nodded, wishing he liked crepes.

I don't normally see him eat breakfast, so I'm just praying to god right now that I hadn't fucked up again.

It's not like I had a lot of close options.

"You didn't have to get breakfast baby" Colby's voice filled the room.

"It's uh.. an apology breakfast, I hope?" I replied sheepishly.

"Leigh, you have nothing to apologize for"

"We'll agree to disagree, I hope you like crepes? I um, I didn't know what kind you'd like.. so uh.. if you don't like the chocolate and banana one, we can give it to Sam and Kat... I just.. I got the strawberry one.. cus ya know.. I don't like bananas" I rambled nervously, feeling horrible that I had no clue about if he even ate breakfast in the morning.

"I'm sure it'll be good, thank you Leighton" He nodded his head at me, my ears warming up a bit.

Colby and I sat in our messy bed, eating our breakfast and watching the news, except it was in Italian so in reality, Colby was mocking the news anchors whilst I was trying to pay attention in hopes that my rusty French could at least tell me if it was supposed to rain today.

"Sam texted me, asking if we wanted to do anything today before we had to leave tomorrow" Colby said, his phone clutched in his hand, a fork in the other.

"Isn't it kind of late to do anything?" I asked, confused.

I thought we were resting today?

"Well we could do something this evening. Like go walk around a bit. Explore" He noted and I nodded.

"If you guys want to, sure. I don't feel like leaving right now though, so if you want to go hang out with them, I'll stay here" 

"Are you okay?" He asked and I nodded. "You sure?" He asked, and again, I nodded.

Colby set out now empty takeout boxes on the table near the window, crawling back into bed next to me.

"You're awfully quiet"

"Just thinking"

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"I just hate how I handled yesterday" I sighed, the guilt consuming me.

I really wanted to change, and yesterday showed me that maybe I was stuck acting like that forever.

"Leighton, I thought we talked about us going in circles" Colby teased and I sighed, knowing that it is annoying that we talk in circles... but sometimes you need to talk in circles to find what you're looking for.

Clearly it wasn't solved if it's still being brought up.

I sighed again, feeling defeated. "I wish I had my therapy session this week" I confessed, Colby's eyes darting erratically towards me, showing the surprise and confusion he was feeling.

"You think this is a conversation for therapy?" He asked, looking solemn towards me.

"Not exactly. I just... there are things I want to change about myself.. that I think I need a professional to talk to for"

"Like what?" 

"Just ways of reacting and responding..."

"What do you mean?"

I sighed yet again, knowing I can't be that annoyed because I brought it up, it's just... No one likes being vulnerable and talking about their insecurities and concerns to others.

"I want to be better for you, I want to be better for me; but most importantly, I want to be better for Gemma. I have a lot I'm trying to work on.. and just, I really hate how I reacted yesterday"

"Leigh, you can't work on everything at once. Don't overwhelm yourself" Colby chimed in, my eyebrows pulling together as my walls went up.

"I'm not overwhelming myself. I can work on everything at once, in pieces. I didn't say I wanted to have it perfected by tomorrow" I defended, shifting away from him.

I could tell both of us were shriveling up and backing away, becoming more closed off as we physically got further apart.

"I can think about my reactions and responses in the moment. Actively change" I continued, confused and annoyed at how he seemed to not be understanding what I was saying.

"Okay, wait. Let's start over. It's not coming across how I meant. I'm not trying to start a fight, I just don't want you to overwhelm yourself with nitpicking your responses and reactions when you're trying to heal and overcome an addiction"

"I get what you're saying, but I still don't want my instinctive reaction to be to scream at you, and then run away. It's embarrassing and childish. I'm a mother. I can't act like I'm in High School fighting with my parents. I also shouldn't have called you narcissistic. You're not narcissistic and I shouldn't be throwing that around loosely, I'm sorry" I apologized, my lips pursing to the side as I glanced up at him, my back hunched forward on the bed. "Can we try something I was practicing in therapy?" I asked, my nerves tingling at how quiet Colby was.

Colby nodded, sitting criss cross, leaning his jaw on his knuckles.

"Okay so I stated what I think I did wrong, and you can do the same about yourself.... and then we can swap and talk about how we processed the other person's emotions and reactions" I tried to explain, hoping it came across correctly. He stayed quiet, my concern growing. "Okay, so you go now.." I egged on, twisting the anxiety ring with my thumb.

"I say what I think I did wrong?" He asked and I nodded. "Okay... I shouldn't have said you weren't being supportive" He said, my tongue in my cheek, waiting for him to continue.. but he didn't.

"That's all?" I asked and he gave me a weird look, nodding.

I took a deep breath, trying to remember the steps instead of calling him out on his bullshit.

"Why do you think I wasn't being supportive?" I asked, the itch under my skin sitting in the back of my head.

Does he not regret saying I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him?

"You never want to do them with us" He said and I mentally groaned.

This again.

"It's not something I personally enjoy, Colby. I've said that before"

"Kat goes" he shot back, my back straightening as I shifted position.

"And if she likes doing it, that's good for her. I have better things I could be doing than sitting in some abandoned place at 3am trying to prove spirits exist. I understand it is your passion, and I'm glad you like doing it... but it isn't for me"

"It's that! That right there!" he pointed at me, my chest moving back to give distance. "You're constantly saying it's not your passion, that it isn't for you!"

"Yeah, and?"

"If you have no interest in it, how am I supposed to share this part of my life with you!"

"You're a YouTuber Colby. You chose to go into paranormal, but at the end of the day, you shoot and edit videos for a living"

"You're constantly putting what I do for a living down, like what you do is better! You work in a bakery!" He pointed out, my chest stinging a bit.

"How am I putting it down? And why do you keep throwing that in my face?" I asked, trying so hard to keep it all down and not explode into a fit of rage.

"You never consider it! Is it so bad that I want to share this with you the same way Sam gets to share it with Kat?" 

"You keep saying that. That you want us to be like Sam and Kat... why? Because she willingly will go to another country with you guys to explore the world in an exchange to be in a video? Shit man, she got a good deal!" I tossed my hand out in a dramatic manner, throwing it to the side to prove my point. "I don't want to be Sam and Kat! I want to be Leighton and Colby! I think it's unhealthy you're comparing us to them" I held eye contact, watching his pupils dilate.

"How is that unhealthy? Is it so bad that I want us to be happy? And in love?"

"No, that's not bad, but you wanting us to be them is! I don't want to be put in a box! I'm not Katrina, and I never will be!" 

"I know that Leigh"

"Do you?! I don't want to start a long term relationship with you when what you want is your best friends relationship! I'm a completely different person Colby! I refuse to play a part to fulfill some sort of fantasy you have in your head!"

"I don't want you to be Kat, Leigh"

"Then stop comparing us! I understand why you want to share your experiences with me... and I don't mind going every once in a while to be there for you.. it's just not my thing. I sit in bed with you and watch you edit, let you show me how you do it. I watch cool clips and I feel the excitement you do. It is cool, it's just not my thing. It's not what I'm personally chasing" I explained again, really hoping he would finally get it through his head that this won't be a shared interest for us. "Is this a deal breaker for you?" I asked quietly, feeling my eyes sting at the countless possibilities.

Surely it doesn't mean that much to him?

His silence made my chest vibrate out of anticipation. I could physically feel my throat tighten and my eyes start to water as I gulped, nodding slowly knowing damn well where this was going.

"Well, I uh... I'll leave you to think about that. I uh.. I'm just gonna go take a walk. I'll have my phone on me" I informed quietly, slipping out of the white messy sheets, snatching my phone off the side table and frantically scanning the room for my shoes.

Is this how we end? Over some dumb paranormal video that doesn't mean anything?

How fucking pathetic is that.

* * * * 

For anyone who wants to see Leigh's Face Claim again, here is how I picture her! Her right arm has a sleeve though lol

Is the face exactly how I picture her? No. But it's very close, but the long dark hair and the green eyes and who this girl is also has a similar body type to how I see Leigh.

Written on: October 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th 2022

Published on: October 6th 2022

Word Count: 3.4k

Part Twenty Eight