#colbybrockfanfictions

[britswriting]

Devotion (16)

Devotion Masterlist

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*Colby's POV*

"How about Hope?" I suggested, Leighton and I bouncing baby names off of each other for the past hour.

"Hope Brock sounds horrible" Leighton once again disagreed.

"But if you tossed a middle name into there? It would split it up" I reminded her, Leighton rolling her eyes.

"No one is going to call her Hope middle name Brock her entire life. How often do we use G's middle name?" She asked, my mouth staying shut, "Exactly. I don't like Hope. What about..... Jolina?" She suggested, my nose wrinkling as I shook my head, "Mackenzie?" 

"Mackenzie Brock? No. What were some baby names you had for Gemma?" I asked, Leighton scrolling through her phone.

"I don't fucking remember. That was like five years ago and I'm pretty sure I was dating my ex"

"Oh the dark ages, huh?" I joked, Leighton flipping me off.

"Heather? No... Faith? No... Oh! Courtney-"

"No" I cut her off, Leighton's jaw dropping.

"Why not?"

"I'm a social media influencer. I refuse for the world to find out my baby has the same name as a Kardashian" I stated, leaving no room for argument, only to hear Leighton laugh.

I glanced back over to her, seeing she was still scrolling.

"Anna? No. I like longer names" She mumbled to herself, "Ophelia? Ophelia Brock?" Leighton checked in, my head shaking. "Why not?"

"Sounds weird with Gemma"

"They don't have to match, Colby"

"Oh. So you're going to introduce our kids to your friends as Gemma and Ophelia?"

"Why not?"

"I don't like it"

"Okay, well you could've just said that instead of throwing a fit about them not matching"

"I didn't throw a fit" I huffed, Leighton ignoring me as she listed another name.

"Selena?"

"As in Gomez?"

"Not exactly" 

I shook my head, Leighton groaning, "We're getting nowhere"

"Well stop picking shitty names"

"They're not shitty!" 

"They're pretty shitty, babe" I chuckled, Leighton taking a deep breath through her nose. 

"How about Olivia?"

"Olivia Brock? Eh"

"Oh my god! Colby, this child is going to be nameless!"

"Leighton, I'm sure we'll figure it out. What if you looked at unisex names?"

"Dillion"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Dillion Brock? Do you want her to get bullied?"

"Whatever. We could always do with a Y. Dylan, with a Y?"

"Still no"

"God you're impossible"

"I'm impossible?" I chuckled, Leighton nodding. "I'm not the one suggesting shitty names like Dylan"

"Dylan isn't a shitty name" She argued back, my lips staying sealed as I slowed the car at the intersection, awaiting the greenlight. "Parker?"

"Parker's cute" 

"Gemma and Parker" Leighton tested out, "Is Parker too boyish next to Gemma's name?" Leighton pondered aloud.

"I don't think so?"

"It doesn't give you little brother vibes? Compared to little sister vibes?"

"Well clearly you think so, so move on"

"But we like Parker?"

"I think Parker is cute, but you clearly have an issue with it. We can leave it on the table, but list another name" 

"Hm... Zoe? Zoe Brock?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Gemma and Zoe?" I questioned, catching a frown on Leighton's face.

"Yeah, what about it? It sounds cute"

"Zoe. Zoe. Zoe Brock. Gemma and Zoe. This is my daughter, Zoe" I tested out, Leighton giggling. "I mean, it's better than Dylan"

"Oh my god! Get over the Dylan thing!" Leighton laughed, a slight whine to her voice. "So we're keeping Zoe?"

"Sure"

"Okay.... how about Riley? Riley is cute"

"Riley Brock" I tested, "Riley? Riley and Gemma?" I questioned, Leighton nodding. "I mean, it's alright. I'm not in love with it or anything"

"You see what I mean? Naming a baby is so hard! What about Cameron?"

"Cameron Brock? No. I don't like the C, B, sound"

"You're so weird" She chuckled.

"It sounds weird" I defended myself, Leighton giggling to herself.

"So does that mean all C names are out of question?" 

"Probably"

"But what if we really like a C name?"

"Then we'll add it to the list"

"God, this is annoying" she grumbled.

Leighton and I spent most of our trip debating different names, marking down ones we liked to circle back too.

"I'm getting so much Deja vu. It feels so weird to be back" Leighton noted, our car right behind Logan and Cynthia's as we pulled up to the all too familiar Airbnb. "I still can't believe I hung out with your YouTuber friends and participated in your dumb videos when I was pregnant. I really was trying to befriend your ass" 

"We should watch those videos again" I chuckled, turning off the car, seeing Logan step out of his car and start to greet us as Leighton collected her things, struggling to grasp her giant ass water bottle she got when we stopped at a Gas Station for her to pee.

"Hey! You have the keys right?" He asked as I opened the car door, stepping out and digging the correct key out of my pocket, passing it to him.

"Can you grab my stuff? I need to pee like no tomorrow" Leighton begged and I nodded, watching her awkwardly run to her brother who was unlocking the place.

The sound of tires against the rocky terrain got me to turn around, Sam and Kat coming into view as I popped open the trunk, grabbing the two suitcases.

"I can't believe we're back!" Sam yelled out his window, putting the car into park.

"I know! Leighton and I were just talking about that! I feel like this is where it all started" I spoke in astonishment, turning to look at the unreal castle behind us.

"I was telling Kat that I feel like we have to film here. Even if it's just for ourselves, to have that like.. memory comparison, ya know?"

"Oh my god!" I laughed, "Leighton was just talking about how she can't believe she filmed our dumb videos with us"

"Hey! They weren't dumb! If I recall, she fucking won that hide and seek game" He laughed, stepping out of the car to pull me into a hug.

Sam, Kat and I met Logan, Cynthia and Leighton in the Airbnb, April and Kevin sadly weren't able to get the time off to join us.

"I'll fight you to the master, I swear to god Colby!" Kat warned, slipping her shoes off and racing me up the stairs.

She ran straight down the hall, my quickened steps right behind her, only to abruptly stop, seeing Leighton laying in her little hobbit hole.

"Hey" I panted, my heart attempting to beat right out of my chest from racing up the stairs, "What are you doing? I thought we were getting the master?" I questioned, leaning against the door frame as I attempted to catch my breath.

"Just wanted to sit here again. I uh, it uh.. feels surreal. Last time I was here, I was pregnant with Gemma, and now I'm pregnant with our own little one" I smiled softly, her hand rubbing against the fabric of her shirt, caressing the bump. "I remember sitting here, journaling about hanging out with you guys and what I thought life was going to be like" She spoke softly, her hand running across the blue patched quilt, "This feels like a dream, and not a like.. I really wanted to come here and can't believe it's happening dream, but a like....... time warp back to five years ago"

"I know what you mean. I remember sitting right here, and you declaring I had a foot fetish" I chuckled, standing at the end of the bed. 

"The verdicts still out on that one Brock" She giggled, shifting to lay down on the bed, my hand reaching out for her foot, dragging her down to me, my body leaning forward to rest the palms of my hands on either side of her. "I don't remember last time being this intimate" She spoke softly, pulling a boyish like grin out from me.

"I don't remember last time you having a ring on your finger vowing to be mine forever, and your womb to be carrying our love child" I let my nose brush against hers, Leighton's nose wrinkling.

"Did you have to say womb and love child?"

"Mhm" I hummed into her neck, Leighton shivering from the sensation.

"The last time I had sex here, it was with Ariya" 

"We're not talking about that" I grumbled, hating the idea of her sleeping with one of my friends.

"Someone's jealous" She hummed, her hands moving underneath my shirt, her nails teasing the skin on my back.

"As I should be" I scoffed, "You're mine, and you let someone else have you"

"Hey! That was before I knew you liked me" She defended herself, her hands slipping into the back of my jean pockets.

"Haven't you heard the term, boys are mean to girls on the playground because they like them?"

"That's a load of bullshit. Boys are just pricks who have nothing better to do with their time than pull a girl's hair and make her cry. It still stands true even at 26 years old" She raised a brow at me, grinning when I scoffed.

"Girls are just teases who tell you one thing and do another"

"Oh? You want to go there?" She warned, my lips folding shut. "That's what I thought, pretty boy. Now get off me before I knee you in the balls"

"Come on. Let's go find a room that will sleep us both" I offered my hand, Leighton eyeing me.

"Who said I want to sleep with you?"

"My baby that you're willingly carrying is my first guess" I shook my hand at her, Leighton rolling her eyes as she grabbed my hand, allowing me to pull her up.

I grunted slightly, Leighton glaring, "Don't you fucking start or I will sleep in my hobbit hole"

"I didn't mean to" I laughed, Leighton appearing annoyed. "Leigh, baby, wait-" I rushed, grabbing her arm and wrapping them around her, trapping her against me, "I didn't mean to. It was the angle, I swear"

"Mhm. If you know what's good for you you'll let me go"

"Leigh" I whined, Leighton groaning, her head resting against my shoulder, her back to my chest. "I win" I murmured only to feel her elbow jab me in the stomach, setting her free, "Hey!" I groaned.

"I warned you" She laughed, her hand gripping the door frame before turning the corner.

~

"Do you know how happy I am that this baby allows you to have pizza?" Sam said, grabbing another slice of our oh so delectable choice of dinner.

"Oh, you and me both!" Leighton practically moaned biting into the pizza.

"Do you think it's the grease and cheese?" Cynthia questioned, "When I was pregnant with Harper, I hated seeing melted cheese for months"

"It was honestly the smell, so I don't know, but I am very pleased that is not the case at this moment. I felt so high maintenance anytime they'd ask me what I wanted because I couldn't eat pizza" 

"Leighton, you are high maintenance" I teased, her jaw dropping as her hand came to cup under her chin, catching the stringy cheese, all of us laughing.

"I am not!"

"Just a little bit" I pinched my thumb and pointer finger close together.

"How? I-" she paused, her jaw still dropped.

"It's alright Leighton, we still love you" Logan teased, Leighton glaring over at him.

"How am I high maintenance? Because if I recall, I did my best to try and get along with everyone- oh, I'm hearing it" 

I snickered, "When I first met you, you always had your nails done, your makeup on-"

"And?" She interrupted, "What's wrong with wanting to look pretty?"

"Nothing is wrong with wanting to look pretty, babe, it's just, you don't like to show your bare self-"

"Well not in front of my brother" 

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" I laughed, Cynthia choking on her pizza.

"To be fair, Cynthia paid for the nails. Cynthia, back me up here" Leighton turned to look at her sister in law.

"I did, but that's because it was our bonding time since Logan and I were dating. It was our only time away from this one" her thumb pointed at Logan next to her, "Where we could gossip without him interrupting" 

"We should start that again. I can finally afford to pay it myself"

"What if we looked for a place around here? Kat, would you want to join us? Have some girl time whilst the boys have their boy time?" Cynthia asked, catching Kat mid bite of her pizza. "Think of it like a birthday gift from Leigh and I" Cynthia passed me a sickening sweet smile.

What is she doing?

"Uh, yeah, sure, that sounds fun" Kat passed a smile, the room falling quiet until Logan sparked a conversation with Sam and I about our plans for the upcoming year.

Once the sun began to go down the six of us walked out onto the stone patio where an enclosed fire pit was, Logan and Sam setting it up whilst Leighton, Kat and I grabbed the s'mores stuff.

"Please be careful" I begged Leigh, watching her step around a few of the chairs to sit between Cynthia and I.

"I'm fine" She waved me off, not settling the flutter in my stomach at all.

"Leighton, please, just, there's an open flame and you're a klutz"

"Okay, I'll be careful. I'll just make you get up and grab me things" She smirked, leaning back against the metal chair, popping open the box of graham crackers.

"That I can do. Whatever keeps you from falling period, let alone into fire" I muttered, Cynthia passing out the sticks, skipping Leighton.

"I still can't believe you don't like marshmallows" Kat stated, happily opening the bag and placing one on her stick.

"I'm here for the graham crackers. You guys got the good ones" Leighton cracked the cracker in half, taking a bite.

"The good ones?" I questioned, unable to see the label from how dark it was.

"Mhm. The honey ones"

"I thought they only came in the honey version?" I grabbed a graham cracker, Leighton shaking her head. "Hm. Well you learn something new every day" I chuckled, all of us sticking our marshmallows in.

"Can I do one? Will someone eat it?" Leighton asked, looking around our circle.  

"Nope. Last time I let you make me a s'more, you put... shit, what was it?" Logan looked over at Leighton who was already starting to giggle.

"I spread marmite on his crackers" She giggled, Logan fake gagging.

"Ohhh! That's disgusting" Sam gagged, "You're actually evil. Colby, did you know you were marrying the devil?"

"I mean, it's his mistake for taking something from Leighton" I laughed, Leighton having a proud grin on her face.

"Do you guys remember that horrendous drink you made me?"

"Yes! Brennen was annoyed you ate his snack" Sam laughed, Kat and Cynthia caught in their own conversation as Logan excused himself from the group.

"Dude, those were so good! God, what were they?"

"I don't know, this was like five years ago!" Sam exclaimed, pushing a marshmallow onto Leighton's stick.

"Double or nothing Samuel! Come on now. This isn't amateur hour" Leighton scolded, Sam sliding a second marshmallow onto her stick. "Who's eating this?"

"I'll eat it" I volunteered, Leighton nodding, my legs spreading, allowing her to stand between them to roast her marshmallow, my hands holding her hips as the fear of her toppling into the fire rattled my veins.

"Woah! Hey!" Sam abruptly shouted, startling me.

"What?" I questioned, peaking around Leighton's hip.

"You can't just shove it in the fire!" He lectured, Leighton's posture straightening.

"I'm too impatient to let it—"

"No" Sam interrupted, shaking his head, "What kind of animal burns their marshmallow on purpose?! You said you wanted to roast a marshmallow"

"Okay, what are you? S'mores police?"

"Yes, yes I am! Colby! Look who you're marrying!" Sam complained, Leighton laughing with a head shake as she put her marshmallow back into the fire, pulling it out as the reddish orange flame crisped the outside, blowing it out.

"Do you care that it's burnt?" Leighton questioned; the motion of Kat standing up to burn her own catching my attention.

"It doesn't matter" 

"Do you want it on a cracker or on its own?"

"Here" I opened my mouth, Leighton's eyes widening.

"For real? It's hot"

"Well no shit, it was on fire" I laughed, opening my mouth again, waiting.

"I'm getting flashbacks to that time you put juice in your mouth and then fucking poured it into mine"

"Shut up and give me the marshmallow or you're banned from roasting" 

colbybrocksecret: "What kind of animal burns their marshmallow on purpose?" - @samgolbach

~

"You look so pretty, baby" I hummed, Leighton's glorious bump on show as she stood in front of me in just a bra and the sweatpants she was wearing earlier.

"This belly is definitely bigger than when I was pregnant with Gemma" her hand caressed her stomach.

My head shook, "You were definitely bigger with Gemma"

"Excuse me?! Colby!" She gasped.

"What? You were a lot bigger when you were in delivery"

"Colby! I'm talking about for how far along I am. 5 months with G, I was a lot smaller than I am now with your baby"

"God, you're halfway through already?" I exhaled, feeling like everything has gone by so fast.

"Mhm. Our little baby girl is already half cooked in here" She smiled, my hands holding the side of her belly as we looked in the mirror above the dresser.

"I can't believe you're doing this again. I recall you saying you were never having a baby ever again after Gemma's delivery, and now you want to do a home birth? No meds?" My brow raised, Leighton's cheeks turning crimson.

"That's the plan"

"Are you prepared for that?" I asked, Leighton's tongue poking out to wet her lips as her head shook.

"I don't even know where I'm doing it. I mean, I could do it at my parents house, but wouldn't that be a lot? The other option is at our apartment.. and uh, I don't think our neighbors want that"

"Silly option number three" I hesitantly began, Leighton's face masking confusion, "We buy a house together"

"Colby" She sighed, my hopes and dreams immediately getting squashed, "We don't even live together right now"

"Hey! That was your choice!" I noted, my hands dropping from her waist, taking a few steps back.

"You know why I did that" 

"Leighton, be honest with me. Are you ever moving back home?" I asked the hundred million dollar question, holding my breath as I analyzed her movements.

Her breath hitched as her shoulders tensed, taking a few Mississippi seconds before turning around to face me, exhaling through her nose, "I want to"

"Okay? And what does that mean?"

"It means I want to. I want to be with you, to have a house with you, to do life with you.. I'm just... I'm nervous. I'm nervous to commit again and repeat last time. History lately appears to be going in a vicious cycle and I just, I don't want to repeat this again" She emphasized, reaching down to pull an oversized shirt over her head, pulling her hair out of the neck of the shirt, letting it cascade down the front of her chest. 

"I'd undo it if I could. You know that, right?" 

"I'd like to hope you would. Did uh, community service go well?" She asked quietly, her finger spinning her ring.

"Was fine" I muttered, not wanting to talk about my quite literal walk of shame, slipping my rings off my fingers.

"What did they have you do?"

"The cliché road side trash pickup"

"Ah. I had to do work inside of the prison. It was like a prison job without the pay before I was fully let go" Leighton confessed, surprising me that she was opening up about her jail time.

I decided to not push it, knowing it was extremely rare for her to share this information, my head nodding in acknowledgement that I had heard her.

I tugged off my shirt, tossing it towards the open suitcase before sliding down my skinny jeans.

"I can feel you staring" I mumbled, kicking them off.

"Oh, I can't stare?" Leighton jokes, crawling onto the bed.

"I never said that. Do I have to wear pants?"

"Well you're not sleeping nude" 

"No. Like can I just wear my underwear?" I asked, Leighton barely acknowledging me as she plugged in her phone. "Leigh?"

"That's fine. Just don't wake up with an erection because I'm too pregnant to have self restraint" She shimmied down the bed, pulling the covers up over her bump.

I smirked, sliding into bed next to her, copying her movement as I got comfortable.

We laid in silence for a moment before I spoke up, "This feels weird"

"What does?"

"Being in the same bed again" I mumbled, Leighton's bedside lamp giving off a dim yellow glow to the room.

"Oh. I haven't really registered it to be honest. I mean, it's been kind of weird all day. Feels like old times" 

"It does, doesn't it" I hummed, shifting to face her, "I've missed you, you know?" 

"I've missed you too" She replied, sounding half ingenious due to scrolling through her phone.

"Please come home" I begged softly, Leighton looking down at me.

"Colby" She sighed, "Is this what this trip is about? You begging me to move back in?"

I shook my head, "Leighton, please. I'm already missing so much and I know I royally messed up" I paused, my brain annoyingly reminding me I have yet to tell her my biggest screw up. I cleared my throat, "But I miss you. I miss Gemma. I miss being a family. I miss coming home to you guys, and tucking G in at night, and cuddling you to bed"

"I'll think about it, okay?" She said and I nodded, knowing this was the best I was going to get.

I woke up the next morning to Leighton's body drifting towards mine, our limbs kept to ourselves, but a beautiful sleeping face just out of reach of being able to easily lean over and kiss her.

Every fiber of my being wanted to go back to every horrific choice I've made and undo it.

All night last night I just laid there, listening to her soft breathing and occasional snore, pretending to be asleep when she got up to go pee around 3 or 4 in the morning.

I held my breath when she laid back in bed, silently praying that she would inch closer to me if she thought I was asleep, but that wasn't the case. Her awake mind slept closer to the edge than her asleep brain, where she had drifted towards me. 

I walked into our kitchen, Cynthia and Logan sat at the island eating what appeared to be frozen french toast sticks and scrambled eggs.

"Good morning" Cynthia greeted me as I opened the fridge.

"Mornin'" I grumbled, my voice gruff from the lack of use.

"Leighton still asleep?" She asked and I nodded. "I called around 9 this morning to a salon near us, so later today the girls and I are going to head out. Any idea what you boys will do whilst we're away?" Cynthia asked, looking between Logan and I.

Logan shrugged, my lips staying sealed as I poured cereal into a bowl. "You guys are not morning people" Cynthia spoke to herself, scraping the end of her breakfast into the trash before washing her dish.

"Sorry" I mumbled, Logan following Cynthia's lead. "Do you uh by chance know what Leighton would want for breakfast?" I asked, feeling like a horrible fiancé for not knowing her do's and don'ts of pregnancy food.

"I don't, I'm sorry" She apologized and I nodded, the drawer slamming shut as I placed my spoon into my bowl.

"Don't worry about it"

"Everything going alright between you two?" She asked, Logan making himself scarce.

"Define alright" I half heartedly chuckled, Cynthia frowning as she joined me back at the island.

"Still planning on getting married?" She asked, making my very tired brain suddenly alert.

"What? Has Leighton told you otherwise?" I worried, Cynthia's eyes widening.

"Shit! I'm sorry!" she freaked, "She hasn't said anything! I just..." shit. Does Leighton not want to get married? Is Cynthia covering for her? "She had talked a little bit about her concerns and things, I just didn't know where you two stood now. I mean, you slept in the same bed, right? That has to mean something" Cynthia tried to save her reaction, my jaw clenched as I chewed my cereal, nodding.

"We shared the bed, yes. I don't know if you can clarify it as sleeping together, no. Leighton practically slept thirty feet away from me unless she was asleep and the weight of our bodies causing the dip in the mattress to make her roll closer" 

"So no makeup sex then?" She joked, her smirk flattening out when I sighed, shaking my head.  "How bad is it Colby? Be honest with me, what happened?"

"What has she told you?" I questioned, walking on eggshells due to Cynthia basically being Leighton's best friend, whether Leighton wants to admit it or not.

"Not much. She just expressed her concerns about whatever happened and how she felt about you" Cynthia shrugged, my eyes squinting.

Is she lying to me? Does she know more?

"Let's just say.. Leightons actions are valid" I replied quietly, shame filling my chest as I took another bite of cereal.

"Her actions? She seemed okay earlier?"

"She hasn't been my biggest fan, and it's deserved"

"Well, what did you do?" She asked, my nerves beginning to boil.

"I don't want you to hate me as well" I admitted, Cynthia leaning on the palm of her hand to look at me, her elbow resting against the countertop.

"Colby, I could never hate you. I mean, I've seen you and Leighton go through it all, and we have even had our own moments. Shit happens sometimes. I mean, what's the worst you've done to her? It's not like you'd ever cheat on her" She laughed, my eyes widening, "You for years could barely give her enough room to breathe" She continued, my brain beginning to reel at the four little words she just laughed at.

Trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I had supposedly cheated, and I had to confess to Leighton still felt like an impossible task. I mean, how does one practically confess a sin that he can't even recall? How fucking stupid do I look having to lean on Sam to recall the basic facts he walked in on? 

Attempting to contact Chloe felt like a lost cause. I'm sure she got what she wanted and left. 

I never thought she'd be the girl to do that. Hell, I never thought I'd be capable of doing that.

Having cheated in the past, even if our relationship was basically done, I really never saw myself sitting in this position. Loving Leighton felt so easy. Even in the hard moments, it was harder to walk away from her than stand by her, and now here I was, sat next to her sister in law arguing with my own brain over how the fuck to tell the love of my life that I did possibly the worst thing imaginable.

How do you come back from breaking someone's trust this bad? 

I'm so far gone that the light at the tunnel could barely be found, yet here I was scraping the end of the barrel for any sign of hope that all of this could work out. That if I was nice to her, and loved her the way she deserved, that we could just overlook this. 

"Colby?" Cynthia's hand waved in front of my face, my head shaking me out of the trance I was in.

"Hm? Sorry, what?" I fumbled, Cynthia's face scrunched up in worry.

"You alright? You just zoned out for like five minutes. I was talking and then I noticed you stopped reacting. You good?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry. Was just uh, thinking" 

"Well? Are you going to tell me what you did?" She asked, my lip getting caught between my teeth.

"I uh, I don't think I should. Sorry" I mumbled, excusing myself, leaving my bowl on the counter as I swiftly exited.

I took a seat on one of the balconies, staring at the morning sun as I wracked my brain for any possible way I could come clean without destroying everything I've worked towards.

Is there really any way to come clean without crumbling everything beneath me?

What would it take for her to understand? To hear me out? 

Not only is she Leighton, but she's pregnant Leighton, and pregnant Leighton is scary.

She's moody, dramatic, she holds more grudges than non-pregnant Leighton..

but I can't hold off, can I?

I mean I have to tell her.... right?

But what about the baby? What then? Would she withhold me from seeing my babies birth? Especially with it being a homebirth....

Would she ban me from the birth? From seeing my baby at all? The same way she has with Gemma? 

The idea of how much control she has over me is fucking terrifying. One wrong move and everything I've worked for these past five years just vanished.  I'm not talking every accomplishment, but my literal family.

The girl I'm head over heels for, the almost four year old I'd die for, and my unborn child who doesn't even know how fucking messy our lives were... it could all be gone with a little of few to no words.

"What's got that vein poking out of your forehead this early in the day?" Leighton asked, my body jolting at the new sound. "Good lord Colby" she laughed, "Why are you so jumpy?"

"Nothing. Just thinking"

"Well stop thinking so hard" She snickered, leaning against the balcony, "Cynthia told me we're getting our nails done later. Any requests?" She asked, shifting to face me as I leaned back against the chair.

"Requests?"

"Mhm"

"You want my opinion?"

"Why? You picked cool nails that one time"

"What one time?" I laughed, Leighton's eyes rolling, taking a seat in the chair next to me.

"You don't remember when you let me paint your nails?"

"Oh"

"Yeah oh" She mocked, chuckling.

"That was a long time ago" I replied quietly, silence falling between us.

"Colby?"

"Hm?" I hummed, keeping my eyes locked on the horizon in front of me.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine"

"Ah. The classic I'm fine excuse. I thought we were going to work on our communication skills?"

"Leighton" I warned, Leighton scoffing, "Colby. You said you were going to work on it, and I'm trying to be here for you"

"Oh. You mean the same way I was trying to be there for you with Aaliyah, and you decided that you didn't get to talk about it?" 

"Jesus, did you wake up on the fucking floor this morning? What's your problem?"

I exhaled a deep breath through my nose, turning to look at Leighton, "I'm just saying I would appreciate the same courtesy of leaving me alone when I want to be left alone, that I've given you"

"Courtesy? Are you feeling okay?" She chuckled, stretching her jaw to the side before licking her lower lip, leaning back against the chair, her arms crossed over her chest as she attempted to cross her leg, only to realize her belly was in the way, extending her legs to cross her ankles. "Alright, damn, I'll stop asking you about it" She huffed, the silence beginning to linger before she cleared her throat, "Are you going to be mad at me all day or? I just," she paused, shifting to sit forward, starting to talk with her hands, showing me how impatient she was becoming, "I got up like ten minutes ago, and you're already mad at me? I'm just confused how we got from point A to point B so quickly?" 

"I thought you were done asking about it?" I griped, Leighton's lips pursing as she nodded, pushing herself out of the chair, heading back inside.

I groaned, running my hands through my hair.

God damnit.

By the time I walked downstairs, the girls had left and Sam and Logan were chilling in the family room, Sam looking up over his laptop as I entered, "Hey. You look like shit" 

"Thanks man, I feel like it too" I chuckled, my jaw tightening as I plopped down on the couch next to him.

"Why do you look and feel like shit?"

"Because I'm a shitty person, Samuel"

"You're not a shitty person Colby. What's got you in a funk this time? This trip was your idea"

I eyed Logan who was already looking at me with a glimmer of skepticism written all over his face.

"The usual" I mumbled, pulling out my phone.

"So are we all going to sit here on our phones or do you guys want to do something?" Logan questioned, giving me a knowing look.

"And what do you have in mine Mr. Fox?" I teased.

 "We could go out to a bar?" He suggested, Sam immediately shaking his head.

"We're staying alcohol free this weekend" Sam shot down.

"What? Why?" Logan questioned.

"Leighton's pregnant" Sam tossed back immediately.

"And sober" I chimed in, Logan giving us weird looks.

"Leighton doesn't care if we drink"

Sam and I stayed quiet knowing he was right, Logan speaking up again, "Plus, isn't that what guys trips are for? Getting drunk and having fun?" he joked, Sam eyeing me.

"It's 1pm?" I tried, Logan chuckling to himself, "It's 5'oclock somewhere" 

"If you want to go out to a bar we can" I shrugged, Sam's eyes narrowing at me as Logan shoved himself off the couch.

"Great! I'll go get ready. When do we want to leave?"

"Um.. half hour?" I suggested, Logan nodding before excusing himself.

"You for real, Colby?" Sam spoke harshly.

"What? I won't drink" I promised, Sam shaking his head.

"Yeah right. As if Logan will let you get away with that"

"Hey. I have freewill ya know" I grumbled back, Sam closing his laptop and setting it on the couch cushion next to him.

"Yeah, freewill that got you fucking arrested and practically ruined your relationship" He whispered harshly.

My eyes rolled, "I'll be fine"

"How do you plan on not drinking?"

I stayed quiet for a second and right as Sam's lips parted to speak again, I beat him to it, "Sober driver!" 

"You? Sober driving?"

"Yeah, and?"

"Really?"

"What?" I questioned, my eyebrows tugging together.

"You know he's going to try and get you to drink"

"And? I won't"

"You can't" Sam reiterated, "You have a law to abide by. You're not supposed to be drinking for a while"

"And I won't. What are you so concerned for?"

"I just don't think we should be testing the limits. Last time you went out drinking with your friends, you woke up in bed with your ex"

"Correction, you woke me up"

"That's worse Colby!" Sam exclaimed.

"Look, we've got like twenty five minutes before we need to leave. Let's just go get ready. I'll be fine" I reminded him, Sam scoffing yet agreeing, the two of us disappearing upstairs to get dressed.

~

"God those are strong!" Logan winced, setting the shot glass against the bar top. "You lucked out" He told me, choking on the drink he just swallowed by coughing, his closed fist hitting his chest as he sputtered, "God, what was in that?"

"Straight tequila" Sam laughed, Logan shaking his head.

"I haven't drank that shit since my first army party. We got so drunk and woke up hungover the next morning, barely able to function for our drills" he chuckled, drinking a chaser.

"Wussing out already?" I teased, Logan scoffing.

"Say the man drinking a Pepsi!"

"Hey, designated driver!" I shook my glass at him, the dark liquid sloshing against the sides a little.

"One drink won't kill you" he teased, turning away to order something else to drink.

"I'm already walking on thin ice with Leighton. I think it's best if I stay sober tonight. But hey, that means you can get as fucked up as you want" I noted, Logan shaking his head, his elbows moving to lean back against the bar.

"I can't hang like I used to. I'm getting old man, and I've got a kid now. Definitely not in my army college days anymore" He snickered, the bartender passing him his drink.

"How is the kid thing going for you guys?" I asked, Logan laughing with a head shake.

"The kid thing? Colby, you also have a kid. You see my niece more than I do" He laughed, my face falling. Has Leighton not told him? "Harpers' been good. I'm definitely nervous of that whole angelic first kid and demonic second kid thing" he chuckled, taking a long sip of his drink.

"The what?" I questioned, catching Sam slinking away from us towards the other end of the bar.

"You know how they say your first kid makes you want a second, and the second kid makes you want to wear a condom for the rest of your life?" He joked, his face falling into a serious mask, his head tilting, "You haven't heard that?" I shook my head, "Oh, shit man" he laughed, his head thrown back, "Good luck" he laughed.

"Is it really that bad?" 

"I mean, that's what they say, but hey, what do I know? I've only got one and that little angel rules my world, I can tell you that much"

"If Gemma's the angelic one, I'm afraid for our next little girl" I nervously chuckled, bringing the straw to my lips as I glanced next to me, Sam and the bartender at the end were talking, Logan's voice bringing my attention back to him.

"It's exciting though, right?" He asked.

"Hm?"

"Having another baby. I mean, Leighton's always been indifferent about kids even when we were little, but I think that has to do with growing up with the twins. Multiples are a lot, and Leighton was used to being the baby for a few years and then here came two others that stole her spotlight... I think that affected her way more than she would lead on. I honestly was a little worried when she told me she was pregnant; for multiple reasons. One, her and Gabe were a mess. I mean, she'll tell you they weren't, but he really wasn't the best to her. Our dad used to make fun of him all the time for his inverted frosted tips as he'd called them, and douchey jersey shore style" He snickered, "But hey, look at you guys now" he motioned towards me, "You guys are engaged, living together, expecting another kid. It's really working out for you guys and I'm happy to call you a brother-in-law, Colby" He raised his drink to me before taking another long sip. "Speaking of, are you guys planning your wedding? Should I be expecting my RSVP plus one in the mail?" he joked, unknowingly digging his knife even deeper into my chest, the twist of his hand causing the air to get knocked out of my lungs, my throat clearing as I took another sip, really wishing this wasn't just a Pepsi.

"We uh— Leighton um— uh, she just.. She has a lot on her plate, you know?" I stuttered, "With everything going on with your mom and uh, having a baby and all that, I think it's um, been put on the back burner a little bit" I slowly spat out, my eyes falling down to my glass as my pointer finger traced the rim of it.

"Ah. So uh, feel free to tell me if I'm crossing a line, but uh, what's the real reason you're not drinking today? Worse case we call an uber" He tossed a small smile towards me, taking another sip of his drink, my eyes drifting back towards Sam, seeing he was sitting by himself at the end of the bar, drinking.

What the hell?

"I just thought it would be in my best interest to stay sober tonight" I shrugged, tugging on my lower lip.

"Hm. Well, whenever you're ready to tell me, I'm open ears" He shot a supportive closed lipped grin.

~

"You smell like straight whiskey" Cynthia laughed, pulling Logan away from her hug.

"You guys went drinking?" Leighton questioned, looking between Logan and I.

"We had fun" Logan grinned, "Well, Sam and I had fun. This one was a party pooper" he nodded towards me, a look of relief washing over Leighton's face, her eyes meeting mine as she mouthed "Thank you" and I sent a curt nod.

The six of us sat in the living room, Leighton showing me her nails.

"I went with shorter rounded ones this time" She showed, "I didn't want much hindrance since I'm pregnant and have a four year old at home" She smiled, "I thought the pink was cute? You know, 'cause we just found out it's a girl" She beamed, holding her nails up so I could see.

"It pops against your tattoo" I noticed, seeing the shadowing in her rose tattoo on the top of her hand pop out more against the delicate pink brushed against her nails.

"Awe thanks" She grinned, looking down at her tattoo, her eyes trailing up the sleeve of her arm. "Should've gotten my toes done, huh?" She teased, wiggling her toes that were covered by a black ankle sock.

My lips parted out of surprise, "All I said is it made your tattoo pop! I don't have a foot fetish!" I laughed, catching everyone else's attention.

"Foot fetish?" Cynthia's nose wrinkled.

"Stop! Leighton Rae!" I hissed, Leighton cackling next to me.

"Oh my god!" She panted, struggling to breath from laughing, "Shit!" She hissed, her hand digging into my thigh as she tried to push herself up off the floor, wobbling a little before landing on her feet and rushing to the bathroom, flipping the group off as we laughed.

"I don't have a foot fetish" I noted, wanting to clear the air before this oh so not fun fact spread.

"Suuurree" Sam expressed, my jaw dropping.

"I don't!"

"Just for Leighton huh?" Kat teased, joining in on their fun.

"No!" I disagreed.

"Ew, that's my baby sister!" Logan fake gagged, Cynthia's nose still wrinkled.

"Yeah, ew Colby" She agreed, my heart starting to pick up in pace.

"I don't! This stems from the last time we were here, remember?" I looked over at Sam, knowing he was in the room.

"What?" his eyes squinted, my own eyes widening.

"Sam! You don't remember that?"

"Sorry, I don't" He shook his head, holding back a grin.

"Oh my god!"

"I can't believe I didn't know you had a foot fetish Colby!" Kat grinned.

"I don't!"

"Whatever you say, Colby" She replied in a sing-song tone, only frustrating me further.

"I don't have a foot fetish! Listen, I'll own up to anything, but a foot fetish is not one" I shook my head, my nose wrinkled as well. 

I saw Leighton come back into view, my finger pointing at her, "You!" I exclaimed, stopping her in her tracks.

"What?"

"Tell them I don't have a foot fetish"

"But you do" She laughed.

Of course she wouldn't help me. She fucking started this.

"I don't!" I declared, Leighton giggling as she sat down between Kat and I. "Leighton" I warned, Leighton biting her lower lip.

"I bet you he likes to kiss her foot before fucking her" Sam muttered to Kat, Logan's eyes widening, matching my own.

"Samuel Golbach!" I hissed, Sam snickering, "I don't have a fucking foot fetish. Oh my god!" I groaned, "I regret saying I ever liked your foot tattoo"

"Are you a toe sucker Colby?" Kat asked, my frustration starting to turn into anger as Leighton's cheeks flushed and Logan's throat cleared, Cynthia snickering to herself.

"For the last time, I don't have a foot fetish"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me" Kat sang Rhianna, my entire body wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

"For the last time, I don't have a foot fetish" I repeated, "Now can we move on? — What are you giggling at? This is your fault" I glared, Leighton giggling to herself, her lip being captured between her teeth as she tried to quiet herself, triggering arousing memories to flash through my brain.

God, not now

"I'm sorry" She apologized, attempting to stop her giggling. "I was just teasing, you know I love you, Colby, it was all fun and games" She smiled, completely oblivious to the three little words that slipped past her lips, stopping my whole world.

I love you

Everyone continued talking as I just stared at her in complete and utter shock.

It's been so long since I've heard those three beautiful words fall from her lips.

She loves me.

I felt like I could cry from pure happiness and utter pain.

She loves me. She finally said she loves me, and she doesn't even know the worst thing I've done to her.

God I can't fucking tell her now, can I?

A smile started to tug at my lips as the sound of her saying I love you played through my brain on repeat, my heart clenching at the idea as my stomach tightened.

"Colby?" Leighton nudged me, bringing me back to the conversation.

"Hm?"

"Logan asked if we were ready to make dinner? You didn't say if you were hungry or not" 

"Oh, um, yeah.. I could go for some food" I hummed, Leighton nodding as Logan and Sam stood up, moving towards the kitchen.

I looked down at Leighton's hand, seeing her engagement ring shine against her beautiful skin and the pink polish of her fingers. Two fingers over on her pointer finger rested the anxiety ring that her thumb loved to spin and the infinity jeweled pendant resting against the dip of her neck, right above where the collar of her shirt rested, daring to show off the sobriety necklace.

She was littered in gifts of my love and affection, dangling those beautiful words right under my nose and she let them slip so casually.

Everything about it felt like a dream.

Her smile and laugh as she said it, the way it sounded and the way my gift of marriage brushed against my thigh.

She loves me.

After everything we've been through, she still loves me.

I leaned in against her, my lips ghosting over her ear as I whispered, "did you mean it?" watching the shiver go down her spine as she turned to look at me, confused.

"Mean what?"

"That you love me" I asked softly, not wanting the rejection to be voiced so publicly.

"What? Of course I love you" She frowned, stating it like it was the most obvious thing ever.

Of course? How was that an "of course"? 

"You do?" I asked softly, hating how my insecurity was dripping off of those two words, Leighton's green eyes moving to look at my blue ones.

"I love you Colby" She repeated, her eyes staying on mine as her hand came up to cup my jaw, her thumb brushing against my cheek, her eyes flickering down to my lips then back up to my eyes before she leaned in and placed her lips on mine, kissing me for the second time in just a few weeks.

My body stayed tense, afraid of melting into the kiss, fear of this entire thing coming back to slap me in the face, only for Leighton to pull away, my eyes opening as the fear kicked in, her eyes still closed as she leaned in again, placing a few sweet pecks against my lips.

"I love you" she murmured against me, her eyes opening, the same twinkle of happiness shining as the night I proposed to her.

I love you

* * * * 

Do we think Colby will ever tell her? 😬

Written on: June 28th, 29th, July 1st, 2nd, 3rd 2023

Published on: July 3rd 2023

Word Count: 7.8k

Part Seventeen

[prttyjia]

CAFÉ WORKER

PAIRING: Jennie Kim x Fem!reader

GENRE: Fluff

SYNOPSIS: You casually enter a local café while being on a walk with your dog as you suddenly notice the kindhearted and charming waitress.

✜　　　.　 ♡ 　₊　　🎀　　◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜ highlighted song for fanfic:

day 1 - red velvet

You gasp for air after having ran 3km with your golden retriever dog Daisy. You're exhausted as you look around your surroundings, wondering where the perfect spot for taking a snack break would be.

A small café at the corner of the street catches your interest, with its aesthetically pleasing exterior decoration. You bat and eye upwards to see a big sign saying "Cherry Charm Café". You smile as you have high expectations for discovering this lovely café.

You cross the street with Daisy, as you walk towards the café. You notice the café isn't crowded at all, and rather quite. Knowing the nearest Starbucks only was a few minutes away from the café it made sense.

Pushing on the door handle you see a very cozy interior of the café, kind of cherry themed as the sign signaled. Surprised of how underrated the café was you quickly leash Daisy at the indoor seating area and take a few steps forward to read the menu.

"Berry-Cherry Parfait", "Cherry Chip Scones", "Cherry Blossom Waffles" and "Ruby Red Refresher" was quite some delightful food and drink names on the menu. You suddenly hear the voice of an old lady at the cashier.

"Hello dear, what may i get for you?" she smiles warmly at you as she approaches the register. You didn't expect the sweet lady to be the only one working there, so you behave your best to make sure you don't make a rude impression on her.

"Hi! Im not quite sure what to get, i was wondering if you could recommend me your favourite drink of the item? Im sure you have excellent taste!" i reply as i compliment her.

"Oh thank you darling, i would say the Cherry Iced Tea is my favourite! It has been my daily ever since the shop opened a few months ago. I know that the Cherry Almond Bliss Muffins aren't really a drink, but you need to have a taste of them!"

"That's brilliant, then i'll order one of those and the iced tea aswell!" you say as you mess around in your pouch trying to find your payment card. As you finally swipe the card on the card reader the old lady smiles as she prepares the drink for you.

You tell the old lady that you will be sitting on the second floor at the balcony, and she noods her head making sure your order will be assisted directly to your table.

Shortly after you see a pretty girl, seeming to be around your age. She has a cherry themed casual wool dress on, wich perfectly complimented her sharp angled shoulders. She held a tray with the delicate looking muffin and iced tea, as she smiled at you while walking up the stairs. She was walking towards you with her clicky white dolly heels, as she flipped her straight black hair behind her.

"Hello, thank you so much for visiting our café! Heres your order." she smiles warmly and squints her cat resembling eyes in a cute way, as she bows slightly to place the tray on the table.

"T-thank you!" you stutter slightly still amused by her captivating presence. You can't stop focusing on her beauty, and you stare at her eyes deeply.

"Do you need anything else..?" she smiles akwardly at you as she gestures her hands infront of her. She seems to have noticed you staring at her, and shes rather curious than uncomfy.

"Uh.. may i ask what your name is..?" you nervously ask.

"My name? its right here on my badge. Jennie." she replys as she points to the badge on her dress.

"Oh i didn't notice.. thank you Jennie.." you say slightly shy because of her alluring charm.

"No worries, you can ask me for anything! I don't have many customers coming here, so take your time!" she smiles as she steps away slightly, letting you eat in peace. Afraid of her leaving so quickly you impulsively ask "W-wait! if you don't have much to do.. can you acompany me while i eat?.. i apologise if its a weird request.."

"Huh? are you sure that you wont be uncomfy with a stranger sitting with you while you eat..?" she looks weirdly at you as she chuckles slighty.

"I-i wont! you seem really nice.." you say, noticing the conversation getting weirder and weirder.

She sighs as she smiles and sits infront of you while putting one leg over the other. She notices you taking a slurp of the drink, as she wanted to ask you how it tasted.

"So..?"

"Its pretty tasty, i like it!" you smile at her as she seems pleased by your answer.

"Awesome, im glad you liked it!" she tilts her head slightly as she puts her palms together as a sign of gratitude. "My grandma told me that you had good manners towards her, im thankful for your kindness!" she smiles at you as she watches you take a bite of the cake.

"Shes a sweet lady, no wonder she's you're grandma with how you both share that personality trait." you say complimenting her as Jennie gets flustered.

"Aww you're too kind! You seem quite familiar.. do you also go to Londale High?" she looks curiously at you.

"Yes i do, im a senior there!" you tell her as she smiles endearingly at you .

"Really? me too! Miss Patel..?"

"From history class!" you finish her sentence as you both chuckle slightly.

"Ive never noticed you, thats crazy!" she smiles at you as she leans in closer getting more interested in the conversation.

"I haven't seen you before either, but im happy to hear you go there! maybe we could meet up sometime?" you ask invitingly as she noods at you.

"Mhm, i would love that! you seem like a lovely person!" she smiles as she holds both your hands in a friendly way and tilts her head slightly as she smiles.

You blush slightly by her gesture, but looking at her you notice she seems like a clingy person, so you dont mind.

"Want to go to the mall later on today? i heard they have a huge sale!" you ask her as she rests her head on her hand.

"Sounds awesome, heres my number!" she pulls out a sticky note and a pencil from her pockets and starts writing down her number.

"I have taken a lot of your time and i should be heading out. Thank you for everything, and i love you're grandmas muffins!" i smile at her as i put the sticky note in my bag and push the chair in.

"I loved taking with you, no need to apologise!" she smiles at you as she brushes off her dress and picks up your plate, and walks with you downstairs. She stood outside the staff-only room just about to enter, as she noticed Daisy and said "Bring your sweet dog with you!" she smiles at you as you smile back and reply "Will do!" and see her leave.

You take Daisy's leash in your hand as you walk out the café, thinking about Jennie's bubbly and cute personality.. you really liked Jennie. But to take things slowly you wanted to get to know her before really just assuming that she's the one.

You start running with Daisy again, just mesmerised by your interaction with Jennie, the sweet waitress.

hi yall this is the first jennie kim x fem!reader im creating, if theres any grammatic errors i apologise since english isnt my first language! thank you for reading. also guys was this too fluff or boring? and comment if i should make a part 2!

[princess-hemmo96]

The Deal - 12. Awkward Discussions (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/892047118-the-deal-12-awkward-discussions?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=princess_hemmo96&wp_originator=2vLG8nnN1KdvB7a3eN8xrvODr52vjHoqX1OR6yrG7El36qNNYr%2FoqFYL8XZNCfbA%2Bg9bx%2FJ2%2BpmV0WjMWGG8DmTIKar6xsyl022UuChHXK7yGp%2B0CGfGsOBXPuEKGhD8 For a brand deal Nicki Gale has to fake date ex best friend Colby Brock. How far will 'fake dating' go?

[exoruinmykokoro-blog]

“As angels we have wings but we must be taught how to fly. As fools we love without being thought how and that’s how angels fall down and tears end up being dropped in a pillow at 2 in the morning. We might not be stupid but being young is an equal of it. But in the beauty of love I found his heart and I also found his eyes. I found his lips and I found his skin. I found his love and also his kindness. So sad was to know that I found it in two different souls” #colbybrock #colbybrockedits #colbybrockimagines #colbybrockfanfiction #colbybrocksecret #thetraphouse https://www.instagram.com/p/By9ZAjSJi-o/?igshid=17iqhn42dxq6t

[britswriting]

Devotion (15)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Place your guesses here: Boy or girl? - to my friends who know, zip it lol

*Leighton's POV*

"Do you think this is stupid?" I worried, Colby and I leaving the arts and crafts store with three different bags of supplies, a white canvas under Colby's arm.

"Leighton, I think they'll leave it no matter what we do. They're finding out if our baby is a boy or a girl" 

"I know, I know! I just, I don't want it to be dumb, ya know?"

"It's not dumb Leighton" He eased, slipping the canvas into the back seat, taking the bags from me. "I think everyone will be excited. I don't know why you're so worried"

"I don't know. I just want it all to be perfect. I want Gemma to enjoy it and be excited and I'm nervous as fuck for your parents to be there. I mean, everyone is finding out at the same time that I'm pregnant, and what the gender is. That's a lot to digest in one afternoon"

"I can't believe we're trusting April with this" Colby chuckled, looking over his shoulder as he reversed.

"I know. She was losing her mind last night on the phone, telling me I needed to come to her house immediately so she could tear open this piece of paper. I still can't believe that I could just like, flip it open and see, ya know? Like our baby's gender reveal is sitting in my bag. That's fucking wild"

We arrived at April and Kevin's home, April sprinting out the door before we even had our seatbelts off.

"GIVE ME IT!" She yelled, her hands slapping the window on Colby's side, both of us laughing as we got out, April's eyes wide as she looked between the two of us.

"You're not allowed to look till we're gone! I don't want to hear or see your reaction!" I warned, April glaring.

"You can't do that to me!"

"Yes I can! It's my baby!" I laughed, helping Colby grab the stuff.

"God, you guys weren't kidding when you said you bought a bunch of stuff"

"I had a vision!"

We entered her backyard, Colby filming on his phone as I laid the canvas down, going through the bag, showing April what we got.

"So I thought we could use these" I showed her the balloons, "and like we fill them with paint and then pop them on the canvas? It be like the correct colors or whatever" I showed her the different paints we got, "And I thought about using like tape or something on the canvas and put like Brock or something? Something more personal? I thought we could test it out and if it didn't work, just scrape that all together" I giggled, letting her dig through the supplies we got.

"Tell the camera what we're doing Leighton" Colby spoke up, getting me to look over my shoulder, seeing his phone pointed at me.

"I'm showing April my idea for the gender reveal" I smiled, starting to get giddy at the fact that we'll know soon.

"I can't believe you're having my baby" he teased, a smirk on his face behind the phone.

"Shut up" I laughed, turning back to focus on the project.

~

"God I'm shitting bricks" I let out a breathy laugh, knowing our guests are going to be here soon.

"I just can't believe you got everyone to come. I mean, Colby's family is flying in, and Sam and Kat are coming" Cynthia noted and I nodded, both of us helping April set up the party.

People started trickling into the house, a few questioning why the windows to the back yard were covered, no one questioning why I was wearing a 3XL hoodie that covered my dress, and bump.

Logan and Sam helped my dad get my mom downstairs in her wheelchair, Landon holding the oxygen tank, mixed feelings bouncing around in my chest as she came into my line of sight.

I was happy to see her here, to be involved, to see her... upright, but it also saddened me to see her just look soo.. lifeless? Fragile? Like with one wrong move, it was over.

I felt a hand grasp mine, causing me to jump, our two hands intertwining as I looked over, seeing Colby was next to me, a sympathetic lazy smile on his face as he squeezed my hand, mouthing "You alright?" to which I nodded.

"Do you think Lexi will show?" I asked quietly, watching Gemma and Harper mess around with Landon and Finley.

"I hope so, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Don't let her ruin your day though, okay?" 

I nodded, Gemma running up to us, Colby picking her up, "How is my Gem Gem?" He asked, a big smile shining on her face.

"Good!"

"Yeah? Are you excited for the party? Excited to see your uncles and cousins?" He asked, Gemma nodding, my hand pulling out my phone to take a photo of them.

"Can you smile for me G?" I asked, Gemma grinning, Colby kissing her cheek as I snapped the photo, snapping another when Gemma started to giggle as Colby messed with her, placing endless kisses on her face.

"Stop!" She squealed, wiggling against his grasp, "Coco!"

"What's the magic word?" He asked, Gemma's adorable laughter catching our friends and families attention, the smile on my face growing as my cheeks tightened.

"Peas!" She begged, Colby shaking his head as Harper came over to try and help, jumping up towards Gemma and Colby before tugging on his shirt, demanding that he put Gemma down.

"Say I love you" He demanded, everyone laughing, both of us knowing Gemma was quite the ham for attention.

"I wuv you!" She giggled, Colby flipping her upside down as her tickled her, his arm staying around her stomach, "I can't hear you"

"I LOOOVE YOU COOOCOOO!" She squealed, catching her breath as Colby turned her right side up again, kissing her cheek, "I love you too Gemma" before setting her down, Gemma running over to me.

"Momma!" She panted, "Coco mean!" 

"He can't be that mean if you've got a big smile on your face, bug" I teased, carefully squatting down, praying to god I didn't pee myself. "But if your feelings are hurt, go tell him" I nodded towards Colby who was now talking to Sam, his body slightly tense as his eyebrows furrowed.

I watched Gemma toddle over to Colby, his little finger stabbing him repetitively in his side, catching his attention; his eyes looking down at her as her arms crossed, there quick exchange ending in a hug and a kiss before Gemma ran back over to me; my brain using every ounce of willpower it could find to keep my arms at my side, and not caress my fluttering stomach.

"Momma!"

"Yes, baby?" I answered, this time not crouching, generally afraid of the baby pressing too hard against my bladder.

"Coco say.. say sworry!" She giggled, her face full of pride and glee.

"He did?" I played along, my eyes flickering between my daughter and my fiancé.

"Yes!"

"I'm so proud of you Gemma Lorraine" I smiled down at her, her beautiful little face reminding me far too much of my own.

Her fathers eyes twinkled bright, but her smile shined just like mine and I swore our smiles were identical to my mothers.

I took a deep breath, my hand brushing her baby hairs out of her face before she ran off to go play with Harper; my eyes glancing back over to where Colby was, only to see that he wasn't there anymore. 

"Hey sis" I heard behind me, my head whipping around quicker than I intended, Logan chuckling when I winced, my hand coming out to smack him.

"Stop doing that!"

"I didn't do anything" he laughed, pulling me into a hug, carefully giving me his big brother hug, gasping when I smacked him on the back of the head. "What the hell, Leighton!"

"You're a dick" I laughed, shoving him away from me, "And you can't hit me back because I'm.... pregnant" I whispered, checking to make sure no one was paying attention. "Now stop scaring the shit out of me every time I see you. You're going to make me pee myself" 

"You didn't even jump!" He defended himself, his eyes crinkling as we grinned at each other. 

"I didn't have to jump to still smack you, you're still an asshole"

"I'm your favorite asshole though" he shot back, both of us grimacing at the way it sounded, "You know what—"

"Actually" I heard behind me, a hand sneaking up on my waist, pulling me into their hold, "I'm her favorite asshole" he murmured against my ear.

Logan was flabbergasted, "Now why didn't you smack him?!"

"Because she loves me" Colby smirked, my hand pinching the sink on his waist, Colby jumping slightly, looking down at me, "You're both equally annoying" I grumbled, moving out of his hold, Colby quickly grabbing my hand, keeping me hostage, "Where are you going?"

My eyebrows raised, "The love of your life has to pee" Colby let go of me and I quickened my pace down the hall, locking myself in the bathroom, practically tripping over my own feet in the rush.

"You've got to stop leaning on my bladder, bubs" I quietly griped, still feeling unstratified as my dress fell down against my thighs, the sound of someone knocking getting drowned out by the toilet flushing. "One sec!"

"It's just me" Colby announced, my fingers quickly pushing in the lock, allowing him to twist open the door as I washed my hands, carefully closing the door behind him, locking it again. "You alright?"

"Mhm"

"You've been in here a while"

"What if I had to poop, huh?"

"This is not your pooping bathroom. It's too public" He snickered, my jaw dropping.

"What does that mean!"

"It means if you had to poop you would've gone upstairs" He chuckled.

"I told you I had to pee"

"When would you ever tell me you had to poop?" He asked, passing me the towel.

 "When it's an emergency"

I ignored his stifled laughter, snatching the oversized hoodie off the counter.

"I can't believe we're telling everyone today"

"I know. Do you think your mom is going to hate me more?" 

"She doesn't hate you, Leighton"

"Well she doesn't love me. I don't buy the nice act. I'd place my bet on the fact that this whole buddy buddy thing is for you. I'm pretty sure if you weren't here, she wouldn't be coming"

"Well, you are having my baby, Leigh"

"That's not the point" I huffed, double checking that my bump was hidden, Colby quickly on my trail to the living room, Katrina being the first new face I spotted.

"Hey!" I greeted, attempting to give my best friendly smile, Colby slipping past us back over towards Sam.

"Hey" She smiled, the awkwardness being enough to make me wish I hadn't said anything.

"Thank you for coming" I smiled, my hands hiding in the sleeve of my hoodie, balling the extra material in my palms.

"Anything for Colby" She passed a tight smile, my lips pursing as I nodded.

"Alight, well uh, I should um.." I pointed back towards my family, Katrina nodding.

God that was awkward.

I mingled for a bit, silently hoping the quietness of the children wouldn't end in destruction.

"Leighton, babe, are you ready?" Colby questioned, eyeing down towards my stomach.

"Your parents?" I mouthed, Colby nodding over towards Sam.

I spotted his brother, his brothers' girlfriend and his parents, confusion washing over my face.

Are they ignoring me too, or is that just something my brain is making up out of insecurity?

"Yeah, I'm ready" I sighed, Colby grabbing my hand, leading me towards the patio door, clearing his throat.

"Hey everyone!" he started, the volume of his voice making heads turn, "I just uh, wanted to tell everyone how much Leighton and I appreciate you showing up, especially on such short notice" I nodded, a smile plastered on my face as the nerves ate away at me. "I'm sure you've gathered that this isn't just a get together" He chuckled, a few people following suit, "Leighton and I actually have been meaning to tell you something" he led on, my eyes immediately finding the most supportive faces I could.

My dad, the small smile on his face as memories flooded through of him finding out, and then Cynthia, and the wave of emotion that brought upon me, Logan right next to her... April, how excited she was to do this whole party. To be involved. 

My eyes scanned the room, catching all of my biggest shoulders to lean on, but there was someone missing.

"Leighton?" Colby nudged, my eyes filling with tears as my smile waivered.

"Colby and I are uh.. um, expecting" I stuttered, the tears threatening to fall as I lifted the hoodie, showing off my beautiful baby's bump.

I scanned the rooms as faces lit up, cheers were let out and people began to huddle closer, hurdling a thousand questions to both of us, passing on congratulations and how they expected this to happen, and yet the person I really wanted by my side wasn't here.

I mindlessly answered the due date question, how my pregnancy has been, when we found out and even how both of us reacted to finding out before excusing myself, throwing the hoodie to the side and rushing back off to the bathroom, carefully falling to my knees as I emptied my stomach.

Tears streamed down my face as I exhaled, leaning back against the cabinets, listening to the flush cycle through.

I don't know how long I sat here, messing up my makeup until the lock clicked open, my eyes squeezed shut, not ready for Colby's reprimanding of leaving my own party.

"Hey" A soft voice surprised me, my eyes popping open as streaks of light continued to hinder my vision, "What's wrong? Everyone's excited" She said, taking a seat next to me.

"What are you doing in here? You don't have to do this" I sighed, wiping under my eyes, not wanting Katrina's pity right now.

"I know" She stated, her shoulder brushing against mine.

My eyes rolled, snatching the toilet paper roll in hope of saving some of my makeup and not looking like a girl the morning after.

Kat sighed, "Why are you hiding out?"

"I'm not hiding"

"Oh, so this isn't looking like that time in the bowling alley?" She joked, the room falling quiet.

"I'm alright. You didn't have to check up on me. I know you aren't my biggest fan—"

"I never said that"

"You don't have to Kat, and it's okay. I don't have to be everyone's friend. It's fine, I just, I don't want your pity either. For whatever reason you're here.. you don't have to be" 

I struggled to push myself up, hesitantly accepting Kat's help, the two of us staying silent as we walked back out to the party, Colby's eyes meeting mine, the room having cleared out; everyone in the backyard.

"What's wrong?" He asked and I shrugged, offering a pity smile, stepping into the backyard.

I found my best actress smile, mingling until it became time to find out what April and I have been waiting for only for Colby to pull me away.

"Leighton, why do you look like a beaten puppy? What happened? People are starting to notice, and I know that's not a big deal, but this should be a happy day. We're finding out our baby's gender!—"

"Gender doesn't even mean anything" I grumbled, snatching a cupcake off the table, undoing the wrapping and taking a bite.

"Yes, of course, we will love that baby no matter what, but it helps us figure out a name" He continued.

"We can name it anything" I huffed.

"I'm just going to stay quiet now" He noted, ignoring my glare as I grabbed another cupcake. "Are we just going to angrily eat cupcakes now or can we talk about why you were crying in the bathroom?"

"Is it that obvious?" 

"Your mascara is a little smudged"

"Shit!" I pulled out my phone, fumbling to open my camera, "I look like shit, Colby!"

"You don't look like shit"

"Shut up" I grumbled, shoving my cupcake at him, "Hold this" before scurrying away to fix my makeup.

I wiped off the smudged disaster, carefully reapplying a hopefully even coat only to be met by Colby again.

"Talk to me, please" he begged, "You're always telling me to communicate-" I shot him a glare, "So please, communicate with me, Leighton"

"Not the time. I need to plaster a happy smile on my face and go find out if we're having a mr or misses Brock"

"Please"

"It's not going to fix anything"

"At least tell me what it's about. Is this still about Lexi?" He asked and I shook my head, "Your mom?" he guessed again, my obvious glare making him continue, "Gabe? Come on, Leigh. Tell me"

"It's Aaliyah" I caved.

"Oh"

"Yeah oh" 

"Have you talked to her since you kicked her out?" He asked, throwing away the mascara covered makeup wipes.

"I've tried to. I wanted to apologize for my actions. Make it up to her, yet I got nothing in return and I'm pissed off that she won't talk to me, and It's my fault and I know that. I do. I know I fucked it up and I know that she was right.. but.. did I mess it up this fucking bad? So bad that she won't show up to my gender reveal party? How was that worse than picking me up from jail? I mean, I know we've both had our moments and shit happens, but it's always water under the bridge. It's always been okay after a little while"

"How about we go see her tomorrow? Tell her the good news, let you guys talk? I know it doesn't fix her not being here now, and I'm sorry that her absence is causing you pain and sadness, but don't let one person's grudge hold back your happiness. It's supposed to be a good day, baby. Gemma's going to tell us if it's a girl or a boy and we can go from there. Whether it be the most beautiful unisex name and nursery and upbringing, or the more basic bitch name that they'll get teased for at school.. this is our baby. Our pride and joy. A piece of our family, and I want to share this joyous moment with you. With our friends and family, our daughter. Please, let's just take a deep breath and go enjoy our day, okay?" He suggested, bringing my knuckles up to his chapped lips.

"Okay"

~

"Are you excited, G?" Colby asked, squatting behind her as we handed her the water balloon full of paint, the canvas propped up by a child size easel, a white tarp covering the fence and grass, creating what will hopefully be a stress free clean up. "You know what to do, right? Just throw this at the white board" He pointed, Gemma nodding, giggling as she messed with the water balloon, the small amount of water and paint shaking up in the black balloon.

"Cameras rolling, right?" I called out, knowing Sam was recording and April was taking photos.

"We're rolling!" He called back out and I nodded, shaking the jitters out of my hands.

We're going to know within seconds.

Blue or pink paint in that balloon changes our entire life.

Was it basic bitch colors? Yes. But it was easy, and Gemma knew what it meant, so fuck everyone else. I'll love my baby no matter what it wants to be, no matter if it's got Colby's shitty communication issues, or my crappy drug issues, or our so called gay gene as Colby puts it, this is my baby and whether it's porn with a penis or vagina, it's part of our family-

"Leighton!" Colby's fairly loud voice shook my thoughts.

"What?"

"Ready?"

"Ready" I nodded, grabbing my own paint filled balloon, Sam stood behind the canvas, capturing our reactions as everyone counted down from 10.

10

9

8

7

"I'm so fucking nervous" I muttered, Gemma practically bouncing in front of us.

"I'm excited" Colby grinned.

5

4

3

"Ready G?" He asked, Gemma nodding.

2

1

"Throw at the board, Gemma!" I gave her the green light, all three of us tossing our paint filled water balloons at the white canvas, the water mixing with the paint making it splatter in chaos against the canvas.

"OH MY GOD!" I shrieked, Colby pulling me into a hug, his arms wrapping around my back and before I knew it, my lips were placed on his.

A moment passed before our eyes fluttered open, wide smiles mirroring each other, our eyes holding gaze for a few seconds before Colby picked up Gemma and spun her around.

"It's a girl, Gemma! Can you believe it? You're going to have a baby sister, lovebug! Are you so excited?" Colby cheered, Gemma giggling as she got tossed in the air, my heart dropping to my stomach until his hands swiftly caught her, littering her in kisses.

It's a girl

We're having a baby girl!

Oh my god

OH MY GOD

"Holy shit" I muttered, my eyes wide as a million things began to go through my head.

We're doing this again.

It's Gemma all over again.

It felt like the past 4 years were replaying through my head. The labor and delivery, the late night feedings, the frills and the sparkles, the barbies and baby dolls.

Times two.

We're doing this again.

My eyes found my mothers, and as lifeless as they looked, I swear I could see life within.

She's going to be a grandmother to another baby girl.

She'll have three granddaughters.

Three beautiful bundles of joy to carry on her legacy.

I quickly walked over to her, carefully crouching in front of her as I wrapped my arms around her.

"You're going to be a grandmother to a baby girl again, mom" my voice cracked, tears starting to roll down my cheeks as I pictured introducing my second daughter to my mother. 

Showing my mother her beautiful eyes, her ten fingers and ten toes, the way her chubby cheeks smiled.

"I can't wait for you two to meet" I smiled, swiping the tear off my own mothers cheek.

"Con......grat....ulat........ions...... su......n.....sh....i....ne"  Her slow raspy voice let out, my entire body crumbling beneath my feet.

"Thank you, mom" 

~

I felt guilty for sitting, watching everyone else help clean up, my gaze lingering a little too long on Colby's mom who has yet to talk to me; in fact, his entire family seems to be avoiding me for reasons I was unsure of — quickly looking away when she'd turn around, only to land on Landon who was sitting next to Finn, Gemma and Harper appearing to be showing them something.

Cynthia plopped down next to me, mirroring my position by kicking her feet up, "Hey creeper"

"Creeper?"

"Mhm"

"I'm not a creeper" I pouted, turning my neck to look at her, taking her appearance

How did she look so good in this heat?

Her hair was pulled into a tight bun, her tight curls falling over the top of it, giving this cute messy look; the blue t-shirt popping against her dark skin, the white shorts making me raise a brow.

"Experimenting?" I half jokingly teased, motioning towards the stark white shorts.

"It's called Logan bought me them and I'm being a supportive wife" She replied, ignoring my laugh.

"He tried. Doesn't he know you never wear white pants? I mean, I think you barely own white sundresses" 

"We're being supportive, Leighton" She chuckled, her lips staying in a tight line, threatening to crack into a smile.

"HEY LOGAN!" I yelled across the yard, catching his attention, motioning towards us.

"Leighton!" Cynthia hissed.

I waved her off, watching my older brother make his way over to me.

"What?"

"Your wife? You're the only white she does. Got it?" My eyebrows raised, Logan's face masking confusion, Cynthia gasping.

"Leighton Rae!"

"What is going on? Was that a race joke? From you?" Logan asked, tossing me a weird look.

"Cynthia says she's being supportive by wearing the ugly white shorts you've bought her. I thought I'd save your marriage and let you know that your wife? Doesn't do white"

Logan and Cynthia began to converse about the drama I've stirred up, Cynthia sending me a harsh glare as I excused myself, wandering back over to the snack table that I know Colby and April have ordered no one to clean up.

"Leighton" Colby's dad greeted, nerves making the muscles in my back tense.

"Mr. Brock" I smiled, hoping he bought it and couldn't read me like the worst book ever written.

"Congratulations on your pregnancy. I can't wait to meet the little one" He tossed me a supportive look, my eyes catching Colby's blue ones, seeing he was talking with Gage and Landon, his face full of worry not setting me at ease by a landmine.

What was he so worried about?

Shouldn't he be happy I was talking to his dad?

"You and I both. I can't believe it's a girl. I honestly thought it was going to be a boy. I literally voted for boy on that game my friend set up" I giggled, my hand running over my stomach, feeling another flutter, naturally starting to rock my hips side to side a little bit, knowing the baby settles with movement, praying to god she didn't add more pressure onto my bladder.

"Take it from a Brock boy, who raised Brock boys.. be glad it's a girl" He laughed, my nerves immediately take ease at how lighthearted he was being.

"That bad, huh?"

"These gray hairs? Gage has one half and Cole has the other. Now if you ask Lesa, they're her perfect boys who've never broken a lamp in their day" He chuckled, my eyes flickering back over to Colby, catching him quickly looking away.

"Got room for more gray hairs? Something tells me  it's about to get a lot more messy" I joked, my hand going in a soothing motion over my stomach.

"You've done this before, it'll be alright" He reassured, my head tilting.

"You just told me the Brock genes gave you gray hairs!" I laughed, "Gemma's working on it, but this one is going to have your son's DNA written all over it. I'm going to need all the help I can get"

"Speaking of" shit, now what? "I've heard you guys have been thinking about moving" double shit. Who told them? Colby... "Have you considered Arizona? I'd love to be a lot closer to my granddaughter" Granddaughter? Singular? What about Gemma?

"Sir... Mr. Brock, as much as I'd love to be closer to you guys.." I caught my lower lip between my teeth, slowly releasing it, "I wouldn't want to get hotter than California, and Arizona sounds god awful. I mean, how do you guys survive? I heard that some days you can cook an egg right on your driveway! That sounds like hell. I mean, how don't you cook alive? California is kicking my ass.. er.. butt, as it is. I can't imagine being pregnant in that kind of weather" I rambled, annoyed at myself and Mr. Brock for not having cut me off sooner. 

Colby I swear to god if you don't come save me—

"It's not terrible all the time" He attempted to coax me into an agreement and I quickly excused myself, pulling the I'm pregnant and need to pee card, praying to god I can outwait this conversation in the kitchen.

I walked into the living room, finding Landon sitting on the couch with Nova, his eyes lighting up when he spotted me, calling out "Leighton!" being a much welcomed disaster.

"Hey" I smiled, plopping down next to him, getting a closer look at his face, my jaw dropping, "How the fuck is your liner so even? What the hell?"

"Years of practice" He teased,  my face shifting into a glare of disbelief, Landon stifling his laughter, clearing his throat, "I actually have been meaning to talk to you"

"Oh?" My ears perked, my head tilting as he chewed his lower lip.

"Yeah, I uh.. It's um.. been... somewhat of a long time coming?" He started, visibly swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Well I already know you're gay" I joked, Landon rolling his eyes. "Just spit it out, you know I'll love you no matter what. I didn't think talking to me was so scary"

"It's not scary, I'm just.. nervous of you disapproving" He led on, my eyes squinting.

"Disapproving? Of what? I've already met your boyfriend"

"Yeah... that's the thing" He murmured, struggling to keep eye contact.

"What? Did you guys break up? I thought you said he was busy today" I interrupted, Landon's lip turning white from how hard he was biting it.

"No we're still together" He eased, confusing me.

"Then what?"

"Well.. uh.." He stuttered, my patience growing thin.

"Spit it out Landon Roy"

"I'm in a polyamorous relationship" He quickly slurred, my lips parting out of shock.

"A poly what now?" I gaped, Landon turning white, uncomfortably shifting away from me. "Wait, so you're in an open relationship?" I asked, my head feeling like it was spinning.

Landon quickly shook his head, "No that's different"

"Then you're a what? What's a poly— poly what? What did you say?"

"Polyamorous"

"Polyamorous" I repeated, Landon nodding. "What's that?"

"It's uh.. well, I'll explain from my perspective to make it easier" he explained, myself nodding, allowing him to continue, "So I am dating Xavier" he stated and I nodded, having already knew that, "And I'm also dating Finley" he dropped the biggest bombshell of my life.

My jaw dropped as my throat became dry, my eyes widened, Landon's reddened cheeks flushing white as he nervously licked his lips.

"You're dating Finn? Like.. like best friend Finn? Like Landon, Finley and Molly, the trio that we once knew to basically be added on siblings? That Finn?" I confirmed, feeling like I got slammed into a wall.

Landon nodded slowly and I blinked a few times, struggling to wrap around whatever the fuck he just told me.

"For how long?" I started, figuring I might as well give him the third degree if my brain wasn't going to keep up in speed. Might as well go on autopilot.

Landon hesitated, "It's been.. a while" 

My eyes narrowed, "Define a while" 

"You're how far along?" He asked, my eyes widened again.

"Landon! Oh my god" I scolded, "I'm almost five months" I glared, scared as to where this was going.

"Um... so around... seven months?"

"SEVEN MONTHS?!" I shrieked, Landon wincing. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"I'm sorry" He immediately apologized, his face filling with sorrow as hurt lingered in my chest.

"You've been together for almost a year, and you're just now telling me?!" 

"We uh, wanted to wait-"

"NO SHIT! Seven months is a long time, Landon!"

"I know, I'm sorry" he frowned, my anger beginning to boil.

I thought we were close?

We fucking lived together! How did I miss any sort've signs that he was interested in Finn?!

"We wanted to just test the waters. See if this is really what we wanted... and uh, a few months past, and then I was scared"

"Scared? Scared of what? Of me?" I questioned, my heart feeling heavy when he nodded. "What?" I whispered, "Why?"

"I didn't want to lose you" he confessed.

"Lose me? Lose me, how?"

How could he think that? 

"I didn't want you to judge me? Disagree?... hate me"

"Hate you? Landon, I could never hate you" I reached forward for him, frowning when he yanked his hand back.

"You hate Lexi" he shot back, the creases on my face softening.

"I don't hate her"

"You don't talk to her, and you disagree with her relationship" 

"I disagree with her relationship because of their age gap. It's different when you're older, but when you're so young.. I just.. I don't agree with it"

"You can see why I'd be nervous to tell you I'm poly" He pointed out, my lips pursing.

"I'm sorry I made you think you couldn't tell me" I apologized, hating that he felt the need to hide such a big secret for so long.

Who all knew?

"What's going on in your head?" He asked, surprising me by how mature he sounded.

I always forget he's no longer my annoying twelve year old brother.

"A lot of things" I answered honestly, not even knowing where to start.

"Well, ask away" 

Surprisingly Landon answered every question. He and Braxton broke up because Landon wanted to experiment with being polyamorous; everything slowly starting to piece together at how out of left field their breakup felt. Landon stopped hanging out with Molly as much due to her constantly feeling awkward now that Landon and Finn were in a relationship.

I decided to learn about what being polyamorous meant, Landon explaining that it meant x amount of people were committed to each other like a typical relationship, whereas an open relationship you were able to mess around with anyone. Or at least I think that's what he meant. I don't know, I'm still learning.

"So you're not mad?" He asked quietly and instead of answering I pulled him into a hug.

"I'm not mad. I'm curious and have a shit load of questions, but I'm not mad. Thank you for finally telling me, and I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't just because of how I reacted with Lexi. I love you, Landon"

~

"Leighton, I don't understand why you're so nervous" Colby expressed, holding the door open to a somewhat nice apartment complex.

Clearly Aaliyah had to of gotten have her feet to afford this place.

"Because what if she doesn't want to ever talk to me again? Colby, you don't understand. We're never like this. Even when we're mad at each other, we get over it! It's rare for us to go this long without at least texting each other" 

"Leigh, I understand. Believe it or not, I've known you longer than you're currently giving me credit for" He snickered, my finger jabbing into the elevator button as I tried to calm the nerves in my stomach.

Colby's hand rubbed soothing circles on my lower back as I rang the bell, praying I had the right apartment.

Is she going to slam the door in my face? Will she hear me out? Can we finally patch up this ridiculous tiff we had?

We were met with silence. 

"Do I try again?" I asked softly, my voice dripping in insecurity, Colby shrugging, allowing me to hit the bell again.

I tried knocking, ringing the bell a third and fourth time before giving up.

"Maybe she's not home?" Colby suggested and I sighed, running my hand through my fairly long black hair.

With one final attempt failing, we quietly walked back to our car, no one saying a word until we reached a stoplight near my parents house.

"I'm sorry you didn't get to talk to her" Colby said softly, my head leaning back against the headrest.

"I just, I don't understand, ya know? Like I want to fix this. I want my best friend back. I want to share this with her and I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. Did I really burn our bridge over something so fucking stupid?"

"Leighton, you can't control how other people respond to things. The best you can do is keep trying. Maybe she's busy, maybe she wasn't home?" He rambled off, the feeling of his eyes on me becoming hard to ignore as I kept my gaze held outside the passenger side window. "Leigh?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?" He asked, his hand grabbing mine, getting me to look at him.

"I'll be fine"

"That isn't what I asked"

"I don't want to talk about it because I know it's my fault, and I regret it enough as it is"

"Okay...." he glanced back over at me, our eyes meeting for a few seconds before I looked back out the window, "Have you asked your boss about the trip?"

"I have"

"And?"

"It got approved. Four days off"

"Four days?"

"Don't push your luck Brock, I've got bills to pay" I warned, Colby smirking as he shook his head.

"I wasn't pushing my luck"

"Mhm"

"I wasn't!" He laughed, his smirk growing into a grin when he noticed my face was slipping to keep it's careless posture. "Come on! It's going to be fun, Leigh"

"I know it will be fun. I'm just nervous"

"Well don't be" He teased, my eyes rolling.

"Haven't heard that one before"

"Someone's moody" he hummed, his lips rolling inwards when I glared at him.

"I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm annoyed. I'm hungry and can't have fast food—"

"Why can't you have fast food?" he interrupted, his brows furrowed.

"Because I've had one too many McDonalds milkshakes and then thrown up afterwards"

"Ah. So we're done with the milkshakes? What's your current pregnancy obsession if it isn't hangover food?"

"Pretzels" I chuckled, "And chocolate. Anything chocolate is great"

"Oh!" he quickly opened the center console, blindly digging around before pulling out a small bag of something, "Here! I uh, I don't know how melted they are, but they were once Reeces" he snickered, handing me the orange bag.

I dug one out, seeing they were melted, and then resolidified, and slightly melted again, "How long have these things been in there?"

"I don't know"

"Colby!" I shrieked, laughter following behind my shock, "Were you planning on poisoning me?!" my chest shook from failed attempt of holding back my laugh, tossing the back into the cupholder. "You're going to need to start storing snacks in here if you want me riding with you to the Airbnb" 

"I get the pleasure of you riding with me?" He asked, his gaze lingering as we waited at a stop sign.

"Only if you bring snacks"

"I don't know if I want pregnant Leighton has my copilot" he snickered.

"Hey! You got me pregnant! I don't want to hear your complainants!"

"So I'm thinking we leave two days after Kat's birthday? That way her and Sam can go do their thing, and then we can all start the few hour drive there?" Colby checked in, his head tilting when my lips pursed, "What?"

"We're not doing anything with Kat for her birthday?"

"Baby, I think they want to just do their own thing"

"But you always do stuff with her for her birthday?" 

"We can do a bigger thing at the rental, how about that? Plus, I thought you guys didn't get along? You've made it clear that she isn't your favorite person to hang around, why I invited more people than just her and Sam to come with us"

"I don't hate her, I just... we don't mix well, ya know? We're different in a way that if we didn't have you and Sam forcing us to hang out, we wouldn't really hang out. She was great and all when I was pregnant, and had the baby, but I don't think us on our own works well"

"How is it that you and Sam are like best friends, but you and Kat don't get along?" He chuckled, my eyes lingering on his arms as he turned the wheel, biting my lower lip as I watched his muscles flex a little, doing a somewhat U-turn move.

"It's not that we are at each other's throats, it's just... we don't mix well. We have different interests, different conversations.. I just, I don't think we would make good friends outside of our common interests of you and Sam, or even just Gemma. Nothing against her, we just— It's not like how her and Stas can have sleepovers, and Stas and I can have sleepovers. We can't be alone. It's honestly kind of awkward"

"Alright well, this time around we get the master bedroom instead of them. They can have your little closet nook"

"Hey! I liked my closet nook" I frowned, not understanding what Colby had against my little cozy hobbit hole.

"It has a twin bed in it, Leighton. I don't know how you survived being pregnant in that thing"

"If I remember correctly, you squeezed into that twin bed, in fact, you yanked me out of it—"

"I was quite rough with you, wasn't I?" He chuckled, "You should've told me you were pregnant. I would've gone easier on you"

"I can't believe we're going back" I sighed, astonished that this was really happening again.

"I know. So much has changed since then" he agreed.

"I know, you got me pregnant and put a ring on my finger" I giggled, wiggling my fingers in front of us, the ring twinkling against the sunlight.

"If you like it then you should've put a ring on it!" He began to sing, my hand coming over to cover his mouth, shrieking when he licked me, only to feel another flutter in my stomach.

Every time I feel the baby move, it feels surreal.

There is life growing inside of me, and these little flutters keep proving that.

"Here, hand me your hand" I rushed, Colby sending me a weird look, "Shut up, just give me your hand" 

I placed his hand on my stomach, Colby constantly looking between me, my stomach and the road, "What are you doing?"

"I keep feeling a flutter and I want to know if you can feel it too!" 

"A flutter?"

"Mhm! Remember when Gemma would kick? I don't know if the baby is positioned enough to feel it on the outside of the stomach, but I keep feeling a similar sensation in my tummy. Make me laugh again" I demanded, Colby stifling his laughter.

"I can't just make you laugh on demand"

"Yes you can! Come on, do it. You're not allowed to tickle me!" I warned, not wanting to pee my pants in his car.

"This is a lot of pressure!" He exclaimed, getting me to giggle, but not enough to make my chest shake. "Oh! Remember when we went to Minnesota and I had met your Aunt and Uncle and we had that dance party in the kitchen making those pizzas? I truly thought your uncle was going to disown me" 

"I'm shocked Aunt Ginger didn't disown Melissa" I giggled, memories of dancing with the Rotty's flashing through my mind. "We should go back" I sighed, missing the environment that was my Aunt and Uncle's house. 

"Tell me when to book the flight and we'll go"

"We can't. I have too many responsibilities"

"Leighton, you've got to live a little"

"I am! I am living! This is me living! I can finally get a good job now that I don't have my record over my head. I can possibility go to college"

"You want to go to school?" He questioned, putting the car into park outside my parents house.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, "I've thought about it"

"Really? What would you go to school for?"

"I don't know... I want to do something though, ya know?"

"Is this you wanting to go to school for yourself, or to prove to others that you aren't a fuck up?" He asked, fully turned to look at me.

"You know" I sighed, "I'm learning that doing shit for others is getting me nowhere. I think I want to do this for myself. To feel accomplished. To feel worthy of something"

"Leighton, you're worthy of everything. You've already accomplished so much. If you want to go to school, I'll support you, but you don't need to do this just to add it to a list of accomplishments to show off. You're never going to be truly happy if you don't do it for yourself. Be proud of the list you made to show yourself, not others" He gave my hand a squeeze before taking his keys of the ignition, unclipping his seatbelt and opening the door, only to turn back to look at me, "Plus, I think having two incredible daughters is already such a huge accomplishment" he winked before climbing out of the car and shutting the door, leaving me alone.

Having two kids was an accomplishment, but what about my best friend? My mother? My sister? Having those people by my side as I achieved these things?

What am I going to tell my daughters when they ask what life was like before them? Or when they were growing up? 

That I'm a drug addicted fuck up? That I lost everyone I loved and had to piece it all together, only to repeat it again?

"Leighton? Are you coming?" Colby called out, his voice muffled from the closed car doors.

I nodded, unclipping my own seatbelt and climbing out of the car, shutting the door, allowing him to lock it.

"You alright?" He asked, motioning for me to walk in front of him up the sidewalk and steps. 

I nodded, pulling the storm door open, Colby's hand reaching out to hold it above my head.

"Coco!" Gemma yelled, scooting off the couch and running over to us, Colby happily picking her up.

Having two incredible daughters is already an accomplishment... Right?

* * * * 

This was supposed to be out days ago but I was preoccupied having a birthday and seeing Taylor Swift lol I apologize 

I also apologize for it being another girl, but it was already written into the storyline when I realized how annoying that kind of is... 

My next Colby book he will have a son, I promise lol it's already planned - I kind of always write kids into my books if you can't tell lol

Lastly, did anyone suspect Landon's secret??? 

Written on: June 12th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 26th, 27th, 28th 2023

Published on: June 28th 2023

Word Count: 7449

Part Sixteen

[britswriting]

Devotion (23)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Warnings: Sexual content - I didn't make it extremely detailed, because if I do that it ends up being 2k words...

*Leighton's POV*

Walking back through our apartment door felt like a slap in the face. I expected to immediately get into pack mode and start figuring out logistics; and yet here I was, no new house to prepare for, no concrete plans to think about. I felt stuck; it was infuriating.

Christmas began approaching with no news about us possibly moving and I was starting to lose hope. We really lost our dream home, and I can't imagine how we're supposed to replace that feeling. Having to start from scratch felt like a stab in the back for all my hopes and dreams.

"Got your bag, kiddo?" I called out, Gemma walking out of the bathroom to come put on her shoes.

"Oh no!" She fretted, racing to her room.

I giggled, loving the sound of her little voice as her feet slapped against the hardwood floor. I swiped my phone and keys off the side table, Gemma coming back with her bag over her shoulders. 

She looked like she was ready to go off to school causing my heart to clench.

Gemma bent over, velcroing her shoes as I snickered to myself watching her backpack almost topple over her head.

"Mommy help!" She whined, fed up as she tossed her foot in the air towards me, the velcro straps flopping.

"Baby, set your bag on the ground, then velcro your shoes. You're a big girl, you can do it. Daddy's waiting on you, let's go" I rushed, needing to get to Gabe's in time for my midwife appointment.

Gemma talked my ear off the entire way to her father's; running up to his door and jumping to ring the bell, greeting Zara with just as much enthusiasm, happily saying goodbye to me and practically leaving me in her dust as I walked back to my car.

I was happy she was happy with her father, but it still felt weird dropping her off and not picking her up for a few days. She was growing up and it was terrifying.

Colby met up with me at my midwife appointment, ending a phone call before greeting me with a kiss, "Ready to see our baby girl?" he asked, lacing our hands together.

"I'm ready to see how much she's grown" I replied, yanking the door open, cold hair hitting me in the face.

"Ms. Fox?" A bright new smiley face beamed from the front desk.

"Can't wait for the day it's Mrs. Brock" Colby murmured to me as I began to check into our appointment, a silly smile spreading around my face as I sided eyed him before focusing back on the papers.

"Claire should be out in a minute" The woman, Becky— reads her nametag, informed. 

Colby and I sat, Colby immediately pulling out his phone to scroll through Instagram, liking posts here and there before opening his text messages.

My eyes rolled as I sighed, quietly complaining, "You know, not to be that girl, but can you get off your phone and talk to me please? This is supposed to be like an important experience for us, and I feel like you're just here because you have to be" I expressed, the nervous butterflies running rampant in my stomach.

Colby glanced at me as I spoke, his thumb clicking the off button, "I didn't know you wanted me to constantly fill the silence" 

Is he serious? 

"Yes Colby. That's my fricken problem. I can't sit in fricken silence." I groused, turning to face him, "Are you for real? Is it really a big problem for me to want your attention? You know, I recall claiming I wanted date nights and shit when we got back together and look at us now" I huffed.

Am I stupid to think he actually means it when he says he wants this? I swear we agree on one thing and do another. I don't know how else to communicate with this man then bluntly telling him what I want, or need; yet here I am, pregnant with his child and it feels like he'd rather be somewhere else completely.

"I've been busy" He tried to defend, a defeated sigh leaving my lips.

"Yep" is all I said before Claire came and got us, leading us back to the room. 

Colby stared as I went through the motions; even when my shirt was resting under my breasts as she measured my belly, just stared. No comments on the baby, on me, not voicing anything. Just his blue beady eyes staring at me like he had fully checked out and got lost in Colby land.

It wasn't until our daughter was on the screen that he made comments, things like "Look at her hand moving" and "She yawned!"  cooing over our daughter; it definitely made my ovaries think about how I could maybe keep doing this for him. We got our ultrasound photos, set up our next appointment and Colby asked, "Are we going back to the apartment and taking one vehicle to lunch?" Checking in, twirling his car keys around his finger as we walked.

"That's the plan" I replied, hopeful that this would be like a reconnecting date for us. Something I know we would gratefully benefit from. 

No phones. No work. Just us, eating lunch, talking together, enjoying eachothers company.

~

"Your burger and fries," The waitress placed a plate in front of Colby, "and your grilled cheese and tomato soup" she slid the plate and bowl in front of me. "Can I get you anything else?"

"I'm good, you?" I eyed Colby, Colby kindly dismissing the waitress. 

I dipped my grilled cheese before taking a bite, Colby swirling his straw in his soda cup, followed by a drink.

"Do you think I should just give birth in California? I mean, what is the likeness of us finding a house, moving and settling in by the time this baby is born? Especially with a home birth..." I sighed, "I really want to have a home birth, but I feel like every sign is pointing towards it being a bad idea. We literally don't have a place to do it and I'm due in April" I stressed.

With my dad's house having been sold and him temporarily moving in with Logan and Cynthia, I was feeling the pressure of figuring this whole house thing out even more.

Not only was I hitting nesting mode with no nest to prepare, but I was very aware of the calendar days ticking by. This baby had to come out at some point and we were nowhere near prepared. 

"Isn't it too late to decide to do a hospital birth?" Colby questioned, not at all making me feel any better about how short our string was getting.

"Is it ever too late? Can't you just show up to the ER in labor and say, GET OUT OF MY WAY, I'M HAVING A BABY" I whisper yelled, Colby chuckling with a head shake.

"That's exactly how Gemma went. I remember it vividly" he teased, popping a fry in his mouth.

"Oh shut up" I scoffed, snickering, taking another bite of my grilled cheese. "I can't believe I'm back in the situation of having a baby with no plan. I really thought things would be different this time. I had such high hopes for that house.. and I can't believe it slipped through our fingers just like that" I snapped my fingers, huffing.

"You have a plan." He credited, "It just isn't going to plan. Like most labor and deliveries"

My eyes rolled, "Shut up. Now is not the time for an I told you so. Am I just going to shove this baby out in our apartment bathroom? Might as well be on a public bus" I grouched.

"We'll figure it out, Leighton" He reassured, taking another bite of his burger.

"When?" I snapped, "When I'm dripping fluids and in severe pain? Because I think by then it's too late to figure it out" My eyes narrowed. 

"We can always move after she's born" Colby suggested.

"But that wasn't the plan" I whined, my face scrunched up at the idea of trying to move halfway across the country with two children.

It was a pain in the ass when Gemma was an infant, let alone to have a toddler and a newborn.

"But it's a plan" He emphasized my eyes narrowing again.

"Might as well move back in with Aunt Melissa" I huffed, dragging my spoon through the thick red liquid.

"That's also a plan. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we were actively house hunting. Your aunt and uncle love when you're over" 

"I don't want to keep being in her hair. I'm too old to constantly run to them when shit gets rough"

"I'm just saying we have options. Or we could rent a place, but you don't like airbnb's because of your fear of secret cameras"

"It's a valid fear" I defended, sitting up straighter, feeling the pulling in my lower back.

God I can't wait to get this baby out of me.

"It might be a dice we have to roll if you want to move there before baby girl is born"

"I just hate that nothing, and I mean nothing, ever goes to plan. If it's not one thing, it's another. I don't understand why you aren't more frustrated about this?" 

Colby wiped ketchup from his mouth, licking his lips before clearing his throat, "I am frustrated that we keep having to jump through hoops, but we can't just see what's happened. We just need to figure out plan B"

"Well at this point, we're on plan Z" I grouched.

"I'm trying here Leighton, and you're shooting me down" Colby sighed, leaning back against the chair.

"I know, and I'm sorry, It's just.." I sighed, "I'm beyond frustrated with everything. It's pissing me off"

The entire drive home I scrolled through different houses in our price range, none of them marking every checkbox like the house that we lost. 

Either you had nice bedrooms and a shitty backyard, or a great backyard but it was on a busy street, and if it wasn't a busy street, it had a nice kitchen and family room, but the crime rate was too high. 

Why does nobody talk about how hard it is to find a house to raise your family in?

"We could always build" Colby reminded me, my eyes rolling.

"Colby. I'm due in four months. We're lucky if we can create a fucking floorplan by then" I grumbled, "God," I groaned, "Why couldn't this baby be coming in like.. 2 years from now or something. Something that just gives us more time"

"Leighton, I don't know what to tell you. We need to make a decision eventually, even if it's just temporary. We can always rent a place for a while and build a house or whatever"

"But nothing feels right"

"Babe, you're going to need to give an inch here. If we want to move before this kid is born, we need to have already made solid plans. So what if it isn't your dream kitchen, or beautiful master bath. It's a house that will house our beautiful children temporarily whilst we figure out our long term plan."

I knew he was right, but it didn't make it any less frustrating.

Later that night Colby rubbed the knots out of my back as I showed him different rental properties, holding my tongue about the things I disliked.

It's a house that will house our children. It needs to be safe, not perfect. 

We narrowed it down to a few, even sent two to our realtor with offers, sending us back into the agonizing waiting game.

"My body was not made for pregnancy" I groaned, the weight of this baby in my belly taking a toll on me more every single day.

"And yet you carry it beautifully" his warm lips pressed two soft kisses to my left shoulder blade.

"Don't get any bright ideas, Brock. We're done after this" I half joked, relaxing against his touch, allowing all the weight on my back to press into him.

"Are you being serious, or?" His tone was soft, yet concerned.

"I mean.. do you really think I can do this a third time?" I genuinely asked, "I know Gemma's pregnancy medical wise was worse, but this one is really making me miss when there wasn't a baby in my womb. She's killing my muscles"

"Just wait for when she's on your bladder" He half joked. 

"You put those words right back in your mouth" I playfully snapped, glaring at him, a smile tugging at my lips; only to give in fully as he kissed me.

"You know I love you, and your body, and the way you carry babies, but if you're being serious about being done....... I guess I just need to cherish this pregnancy a little bit more" He caressed my stomach, placing yet another soft kiss on my stomach.

Flashes of earlier at our midwife appointment appeared in my head, but I shoved them far far away, desperately wanting to bask in the affectionate side of Colby that I've been begging to return, then argue about whatever was going on inside of his head only a few hours prior. 

"I'm not saying I'm done for sure.. I'm just... it's hard, Colby. Carrying babies is hard — and if you tell me I carry it beautifully one more time I swear to god" I rushed, Colby's chest vibrating behind me as he chuckled. "I just don't know.. right now.. if I want to do this a third time. I'm sure if we wait a few years I'll want it again, and regret it halfway through, but don't expect me to shove six kids out of my vagina, and if I do, please.. for the love of god, shake some sense into me" I begged, giggling.

"Why would I do that if you make beautiful children?" he asked, kissing my neck.

"Colby" I groaned.. or well.. moaned.

"Hm?" he hummed against my skin, the grumble vibrating against my pulse point, earning yet another moan out of me.

"This isn't fair. I can't think straight if you're making my clit swell, greedy for attention" I huffed, feeling his hand slip between my legs and rub my covered sex, my eyes closing as my legs happily let him in.

"But I like your clit swollen, and greedy for attention. If you want me to stop, tell me to stop and it'll stop" he murmured against my skin, warm wet kissing going up and down my neck from under my jawline all the way down to my collarbone.

"Finish what you started, Brock" I groaned, my back arching off his chest as he pushed my underwear aside, tracing my folds with the tip of his finger, circling around my clit before plunging into my aching center. "Oh my god" I moaned, his finger pumping in and out of my vagina. "Another, please" I begged, or well, cried.

His fingers moved in and out of me, stretching me out before he finally messed with my clit, liquid rushing out of me before I could even process what was happening; my moans loud enough for whomever was on the other side of the wall to hear. 

"Jesus christ I've never come so suddenly" I panted, "Pregnancy is wild" 

"And beautiful—"

"Shut up Colby before I don't want your cock near me" I groaned, moving to face him.

"Look at your bump, baby" he fawned, his hands running over my stomach.

"Colby" I groaned, my hands on the front of his shoulders, shoving him more into the pillows as I straddled his thighs, his erection pressing against my aching cunt. "Can I try something?" I asked, slightly rubbing myself against him, loving the way I could feel him through our underwear.

"Go for it" he struggled out, pleasure written all over his face as his hands rested against my hips.

I began to slide up and down his cock, the head of his penis pressed firmly against his underwear, peeking out from underneath us as I moved against his length, loving the pressure it put on my clit.

Before I knew it, Colby was groaning, cum seeping through his underwear, the white mess making a puddle that seeped into my own underwear, causing me to move quicker, chasing my own orgasm only for him to carefully flip me over, pulling his cock out from his underwear and slipping it into my quivering center, pounding into me with no remorse.

"Oh my fucking god!" I moaned.

"You're so fucking wet" he grunted, my body slamming against his as our hips moved roughly against each other.

"You're covered in cum" I snickered, my nails raking down his back.

"I'm so fucking sensitive; I'm going to come again" he warned, the bed shaking beneath us before we both came undone together, breathless panting, moans and groans emerging as we separated

"We need to have sex when I'm pregnant more often" I panted, my eyes falling shut as he chuckled.

"That means you need to stop being mad at me so frequently" he smirked, my hand slapping his pec.

~

Gemma, Cynthia, Harper and I wandered around the mall Christmas shopping, reminding the toddlers that picking out Christmas wishlist gifts is not the same as buying it so we can play with it when we get home.

"So he just blew you off?" Cynthia asked, holding an upset Harper in her arms — moments ago she tried running off, ending in a lecture on safety and strangers before getting swooped up and put in air jail, Gemma toddling in front of us, hopping on the squares of the tile, trying not to step on the lines, her shoes slapping against the shiny white linoleum flooring.

"Well I reached out because of Christmas, you know? And Sam seemed like I was the last person he wanted to talk to, and then I asked Kat, because duh, and I swear it was like I had the plague or some shit. They ended up telling me they couldn't come due to going to their own families for Christmas, but it still rubbed me wrong. I swear ever since Colby and I got back together, things have been weird and it's just strange. I feel like I'm taking Colby away from his friends, but whenever I reach out, it always feels like I'm the last person they want to talk to. The only person who responds to my texts in a proper friendly manner is Stas, and even then, she's busy doing her own thing. So not only do I constantly feel like an outsider, but I can't even group people together to to meet up and spend some time together" 

"If you've put in the effort, then that's on them. You can't change the way they act towards you. It's not your fault if Colby never sees them because they decide to be offstandish with you" Cynthia shrugs, "You tried— are trying; you're doing your best. It is strange that Sam's dismissing you though. You guys were close, no?" 

"Yes" I sighed, "I'm telling you, ever since Colby and I got together, everything's been weird, and like, Colby used to put Sam on speaker when they talked, or let Gemma talk with him, but there's been so many hushed conversations and anytime he gets lost in his head, he's been conversing with Sam. I just wish one of them would talk to me; I feel like I'm losing them both. The other thing is I tried reaching out to Aaliyah again, but I still haven't heard from her. At this point I feel like I'm just pestering her" I sighed, "And it sucks, because she's my best friend.. or was my best friend, and all because of one stupid fight she's been AWOL. I can't even show up at her doorstep and confront her because I don't know where she is" I complained, "Ugh, enough about my life, how's it going with you and Logan? Is my dad an alright roommate? I swear, Colby and I are working on getting him out of your hair" I joked, Cynthia grinning.

"He's been fine. I think he's enjoyed being around Harper more. I uh.. Logan and I have been meaning to talk to you about something though." Oh god, "Logan has been thinking about doing another year of the Military. Not on active duty, but helping the guys prepare and such, but um.. Harper and I would be following him, meaning we'd be moving out of California for who knows how long. It's just, it's a full time position and I can't go x amount of days without seeing him again" Cynthia's worried expression burned into my brain as my heart rate picked up, "Especially now that we have Harper" 

"You're moving?" I questioned, Cynthia slowly nodding, before letting Harper down so the girls could go play at the tiny play spot in the mall. "I know I'm also moving.. but I just.. I don't know, there is something about finding out he's also moving that feels weird. At least it isn't active duty, right?" I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "Why hasn't he told me? I was on the phone with him last night.."

Logan and I try to call each other weekly at least and just catch up, why wouldn't he have mentioned something? How long has  he known?

"You're his best friend, Leigh. He's afraid of breaking your heart. He almost didn't take it and thought about following you back to Minnesota" Cynthia confessed.

My heart dropped, "He was?"

"Yes, but then he got this opportunity and it made good pay and such.."

"No, no.. I get it.. it's just.... where is it?"

"Fort Knox, Kentucky"

"Oh. Well that's not too far..." I drifted before looking over at her, "Wait, did he try seeing if he could go to Fort Ripley? That's not tooooo far from Aunt Melissa's"

"All the spots are full. Don't think he didn't try to stay with you. I've never seen a closer sibling bond, I swear he'd leave me in a ditch if it meant protecting you" She laughed, "And that wasn't a dig. I love that about him. I love how close you are. You both need each other, and I love that you guys have each other. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you before we both chickened out and landed in Kentucky and had to figure out a way for you to think we were still in California"

 Back at Cynthia's house, the girls and I helped carry in her bags worth of gifts, Nova greeting us at the front door, pulling on my heartstrings, especially since Gemma has been relentlessly asking for a dog, Colby and I's only defense being "The apartment doesn't allow pets" but I knew we were toast once we actually moved.

"Look at that dopey face" I cackled, cupping the rotty's face in my hands, "You're so damn cute" I cooed.

"Remember when she was a puppy? Now look at her" Cynthia laughed, handing a cup of juice to both of the greedy toddlers.

"I'd love to own a rotty, I just.. with two kids and planning to start college I can't imagine trying to puppy train until baby girl is done with her own potty training" I sighed, tossing a rope for the dog.

"Colby will be there to help. I swear you forget you guys are literally engaged. He's made a commitment to help" She laughed.

"He's always working. I can't juggle the house, two kids, working, college and a dog whilst he's gone working" 

 "But then they're home for an extended period of time, right? He'll especially be around to help with the baby" 

"Speaking of the baby. Colby wants to name her Lennon, and I think I agree with him.. just.. we can't figure out a middle name. I swear this baby is coming into this world into complete and utter chaos" 

"Lennon is a pretty name. Colby came up with that?"

"Right!? I was surprised too" my chuckle getting drowned out by laughter from the girls, both of them running through the house with some sort of light up, singing Disney wands. "No running through the house!" I yelled, "Someone's going to get hurt!" 

"Girls, why don't you go play with Nova outside?" Cynthia shooed them out, both of us moving to the kitchen to keep an eye on them.

We sat at the kitchen table, watching the girls as I explained my frustrations with everything going on.

I mean honestly, was I bringing our daughter into this world with everything being a mess? I haven't even begun to think about what her nursery would look like, or gone through the few things I had kept from Gemma.

We haven't talked about baby showers, or middle names, or if we're co-sleeping, or bottle feeding...

My mind was racing and lagging all at the same time and all I wanted to do was cry.

Gemma and I ended up staying the night since Colby was back in Vegas with Sam, it did not take much to convince us since Logan and Cynthia promised to feed us and Gemma got to have story time with her Papa.

"Do you mind if I drink some wine?" Cynthia asked, a bottle in hand.

My head shook as I scrolled through my phone.

"I missed wine when I was pregnant" Cynthia sighed, plopping down in between Logan and I, a movie ready to be played whenever we were situated, my dad and the kids having gone to bed.

"I miss Deli meat" I snickered, hugging the blanket closer to my body. "I miss sandwiches and like my roll up snacks. I swear you crave the things you can't have when you're pregnant; it's so annoying. Thankfully, Colby doesn't eat them around me, so at least he's thoughtful like that" I chuckled, opening Colby and I's text messages.

Colby 💘: Are we spending Christmas in California? My parents have been asking if I'm making my way to Arizona for the holidays seen

Shit.

Um.

Every reply I tried to send, I ended up deleting, just staring at his message.

I knew we should. It was his family after all, and I've kept him away from them enough as it is.. but Arizona? With a toddler? And me being pregnant? I'm sure all the flights are taken too..

Do you want to?

Really Leighton? Out of all the possibilities you could've sent..

Colby 💘: You don't?

Aren't the Christmas flights taken?

Colby 💘: We could drive

That's what I was afraid of. 

With a toddler? Remember last time?

Colby 💘: So no? 

Motherfucker.

I groaned, feeling Logan's eyes on me as I sent a quick reply back.

Could they come here?

"What's wrong?" Logan asked.

"Colby wants to go to his family's for Christmas. Yes I know how that sounds" I grouched, "It's just.. 13 hours in the car when you're pregnant and your toddler doesn't like to sit still? It's going to be a nightmare. Let alone the traffic of everyone else traveling for the holidays. If he wanted to go, I wish he would've mentioned it sooner so we could've looked at flights for us or them"

"Some nightmare's are worth going through if it makes your husband happy" Cynthia piped up, ignoring my glare.

"Cynthia, zip it" I spoke through clenched teeth, Logan's head cocking.

"Oh? What kind of nightmares are those?" he asked, my head falling back with a groan.

Here we go.

Before I knew it, Cynthia and Logan were "arguing" - bickering more like it, but it seemed more serious. If it was Colby and I, we'd already be yelling.. or well.. I'd be yelling, but is that really an important detail?..

"I say just suck it up and go. Especially with how guilty you feel "dragging" him to Minnesota" Cynthia shrugged, placing her wine glass in the kitchen whilst Logan took Nova on a quick nightly walk.

"But 13 hours" I whined, "And then some. That's not counting pit stops for both me and the toddler" 

"But it will make Colby happy" 

"Will it? His future wife and his daughter complaining the whole time about how hungry they are, about how much they don't wanna be in the car anymore? How shitty they're feeling? Not to mention I don't really feel like playing fake happy wife who loves her partner's family when I'm trying to just get through this pregnancy. I'm truly so fucking done of everything hurting and she's even been kind to my bladder lately"

"I still say just do it. Especially since you don't see them that often"

Easier said than done. I don't see her looking like she's about to burst at the seams.

I snuggled in the blankets on their fairly comfy couch, my father having taken over the guest bedroom, opening Colby's texts back up.

Colby 💘: Not with their back pain

What about my back pain?

Colby 💘: I can look at possible flights later.

Colby 💘: Sam and I are going to start filming again

Colby 💘: Goodnight. I love you.

Uggggggh

We can go

I'm staying at Cynthia's tonight and  we're heading to bed so goodnight I love you too. Be safe with Sam please.

That morning I woke up, immediately checking my phone only for my eyes to practically pop out of my head at my notifications.

Colby 💘: Thank you 

Sam and I just got to the hotel I'm getting home around 2pm tomorrow fyi

Landon 🙄:

How long do you boil eggs for?

I keep fucking it up. 

Finn and Xavier think I can't cook 🙄

Aaliyah ✨: Hey. I'm sorry for being MIA. Can we meet up and talk?

"Mornin' Momma! We make.. make pan..pancakes!" My darling daughter announced at an ear piercing volume.

"Gemma, inside voices" I groaned, stretching as I sat up, realizing just how badly I had to pee.

"Momma?"

"Yes honey"

"Coco didn't call" she pouted, her  arms crossed over her chest.

"What?"

"Coco didn't call. Coco always calls when bye bye"

Oh.

"I'm sorry baby. Coco was busy talking to mommy about seeing his parents. We'll make sure he pays for forgetting, okay? Where's Papa?"

"Papa with Harper" 

"Why don't you go join them whilst momma pees and then we can go eat your pancakes?" I suggested, shoving myself up off the couch.

"OKAY!" She yelled, already running off.

Kids have too much energy at all times of the day.

I opened Aaliyah's texts whilst I was peeing, my heart pounding as I replied, yet again constantly typing and deleting my message.

How do I calmly reply without making it awkward? Or like I'm overexcited? 

Where would you like to meet? 

I groaned at my reply, not only hating how "nonchalant" it felt, but also knowing that I now had to wait for a reply. 

Colby called whilst we were eating breakfast, Gemma taking over the phone call as I helped Cynthia keep eggs and pancakes off the floor — much to Nova and my backs dismay. 

Why does nobody talk about how much squats suck when you're pregnant? Cynthia ended up having to help me up a few times which was almost as equally embarrassing as it was wobbling and almost falling over.

Gemma gave Colby an earful about breaking his promise, Colby profusely apologizing, bribing Gemma with an ice cream date in exchange for an acceptance of apology, happily winning her over.

Colby had barely walked through the apartment door before he and Gemma were off on their way, abandoning me with my nerves as I got ready to meet up with Aaliyah.

I slipped on some maternity jeans, a flowy top and ran a brush through my long dark hair, pretending like I wasn't sweating buckets at just the thought of what she wants to talk about.

My fingers kept tapping the steering wheel as I drove, completely off beat to the music I put on as an attempt to distract myself. 

I refused to allow myself to sit in my own nerves any longer, slamming my car door shut and swinging the coffee shop door open, the intense coffee ground smell smacking me in the face, slightly triggering my gag reflex.

Great.

With a grimace smile, I pushed my shoulders back and scanned the shop, not seeing anyone who remotely looked like Aaliyah.

I sent a quick text before ordering a pastry and finding a seat.

I guess I was going to have to sit in my nerves after all.

 I couldn't get myself to sit still if it had to save my life. My fingers kept tapping against the table, or swiping through nonsense on my phone; the pastry quickly diminishing as I just sat here waiting. 

She reached out, out of the blue, having ignored me for months... for what? To just chit chat? That is if she didn't stand me up first.

Colby texted, informing me that they had gotten back to the apartment, texting me a photo of Gemma's speech therapy games, asking which ones she was worse at, thankfully providing me a few minutes of distraction. 

Every time the bell rang above the door, my eyes glanced up, hoping, only to be let down.

Was I seriously getting stood up? Was this her idea of a joke? A final fuck you? 

With singed hope, I checked our texts one more time, hearing yet another bell ring, only to finally be greeted by a woman who vaguely looked like my once best friend.

"Hey.. you haven't changed at all." A soft, sad voice said, my brow pulling together.

Was that a compliment or an insult?

"Aaliyah?" I questioned, watching her nod, finally taking a seat across from me. "You look... different" I stumbled, trying to keep a straight face, knowing I was failing.

Her roots were dark, showing, not that that was a problem, it just was unlike her. I don't think I've ever seen her natural hair color show this much. Her blonde hair was long, appearing tousled. She's always been skinny, but she looked skinner, her baggy shirt appearing a size or two too big, rather than huge her form like it used to.

"I uh, how are you?" She asked, my face had to look bewildered as I stared back at her in shock.

"Me? How are you?! It's been what... forever?" I expressed, sitting up straighter in the chair, my hand covering my bump so it didn't hit the table, drawing her attention to it.

"You're very pregnant." She noted, "When are you due again?" 

"April. What uh.. what have you been up to?" I asked, hating the way her shoulders fell.

"Nothing much. How are you and Colby? Still going strong?" She asked, her eyes telling me she didn't care and was just trying to be polite.

She all around lacked emotional presence. I felt like I was staring at a shell of my best friend, her eyes confirming my assumptions as the once shining gleam lacked their glimmer.

"Still engaged" I showed my left hand, wiggling my fingers, "Have you found anybody new?" I asked, Aaliyah shaking her head. "Where are you living now?"

"With a few roommates" She replied numbly.

"That's nice. Are they nice?" I asked, trying to brighten the mood a little bit; failing.

"It's fine" 

"All girls?" I asked, Aaliyah nodding.

"That's nice. Where do you work then?"

She was quiet, chewing her lower lip, finally replying, "With my roomates"

"Oh. Interesting. What do you guys do? Is it like.. work pays for it or whatever? Or did you guys start a business together? Did you meet at work?" I tried to engage with her, wanting so desperately to be back in her life, but it felt like pulling teeth to get even an inch of slack from her.

"No I um.. well.. uh.. what are you doing for work?" She quickly changed the subject.

"Oh. I've been working in sales in a clothing and shoe store. Nicer pay, easier whilst pregnant, but uh, Colby and I were talking about moving, so I might put in my notice soon. Plus with the baby coming soon. A lot's been going on. Have you tried talking to River since you guys broke up? Any idea how he's doing?" I asked, fishing for anything to work with.

Her head shook.

"How's Gemma?" She switched again, a smile broadening on my face at the name of my daughter.

"She's good!" I grinned, "She's four now. Taller. Speaks more. Drives me nuts sometimes" I giggled, "She's indifferent about being a big sister. Some days she's excited, other days not so much"

"I'm sure she's forgotten about me" Aaliyah sighs, slouching back in the chair.

My head shook, "How could she forget her Lay Lay?" I tossed a sympathetic smile. "You're her godmother Aaliyah. She'll always remember you"

"Have you thought about who will be the godparent of this kid?" She questioned, surprising me. 

"Haven't discussed it too much. I thought about asking Landon, or Sam. I don't know what Colby wants" 

Aaliyah nodded, glancing around the place.

I sighed, "Why did you finally reach out, Aaliyah? I've tried for months. I hated how I treated you when we argued. I've wanted to apologize for ages, and you've just gone mute on me"

"Well.. I didn't have a phone for a while. I finally earned money to get another one" She showed me an older model IPhone. "I uh.. honestly? I wasn't in a good place to rehash everything with you. I needed to figure things out"

"And have you?" I asked, Aaliyah's head shaking.

"No, which is why I finally wanted to meet up with you. I.." she trailed off, "I just wanted to see how you are. If you're okay. How things have been. How Gemma is. How the pregnancy is going. Wanted to check in on someone who was once my best friend"

Ouch.

"Once was?" I whispered, my eyes starting to get glassy.

Was my best friend breaking up with me? Is that even a thing?

"I'm not good for you Leighton. You're thriving" that was a stretch, "and I just.. I just wanted to see it for myself. You have a future husband, children, an entire life ready for you. You know I'll always be there for you, but..." But? I felt warm tears start to fall down my face, Aaliyah looking away. "You're so much better off without me. Without me meddling. I just.. I think you've grown so much without me, and it's a good thing. It's a good thing that you've made so much progress in your own life. Just the way your face lights up when you talk about your daughter tells me that much" Her own tears fell, "I just wanted to make sure you were happy. That you were okay. You're still sober, right?" She asked, my head nodding. "See?" her voice cracked, "You're good without me, and I think it needs to stay that way"

I so desperately wanted to tell her just how wrong she was. How my life was still a mess, and how I was nowhere near ready to plan a wedding, or have a baby, but I couldn't help but focus on how it felt like she used me. She got me here with wishful thinking, knowing she had ill intentions. Who does that? Who reaches out, talks about reconnecting after months of no contact, only to practically break up with you? 

"So that's what this was?" I sniffled, wiping at my face, "You met up with me, just to tell me you didn't want to be my friend anymore?" 

"It's not that I don't want to. It's that I can't" She replied, adding salt to the wound.

"You can't? What does that even mean! I've tried so hard, Aaliyah! I know you think I'm selfish, and maybe I am, but I've tried too hard to reach out. To talk to you. To be there for you, and you just.. you can't be my friend anymore?" 

"It's not safe for you to reach out, Leigh. You have an entire life going for you. We'll always have our memories, but... I needed to tell you in person that I can't do this anymore. Okay?"

Not safe?! What does that even mean! 

"No! Not okay! What the hell, Aaliyah! You're scaring me. What's going on? What's wrong?"

"Leighton. Please" She quietly begged, my head shaking rapidly.

"No. I refuse to give up on you. You have no valid reason to not be my friend. I can respect your boundaries, but nothing about this feels right! Tell me what's going on, please" I begged.

If she wanted to cut ties, fine. If she no longer wanted to be connected to me, I could deal with that... but this... it felt like she had a gun to her head and needed to say what she needed to say to get out alive; it just didn't sit well with me.

"You're better off without me—" She tried again.

"Bullshit!" I interrupted, "All I've wanted is to be your friend. To be there for you. I don't care if that's you at your worst, or your best. If this is your worst, just tell me. Tell me how I can help. Is it your living situation? Do you need somewhere to stay? Because I have options Aaliyah. I have family more than willing to open their doors to you. I have a toddler at home who would love to see you. You can't just walk away for no reason. You've been there for me way more than I have for you, and when I finally get the chance to repay you just.. you what.. cut the goddamn cord? No." My head shook, my lips pursed as I refused whatever insane thing was going on right now. "What do you need from me? How can I help you? Clearly something is going on" I begged, hating how I was getting shoved away without a chance to fight for us. 

I could tell she had made up her mind, I just wish I knew why.

Was it really all because of that stupid fight? or was it something more?

"You can't help me, Leighton"

"That's not true—" I interrupted, only for Aaliyah to interrupt me.

"I'm happy you're happy, Leighton. Truly. If anyone deserves it, it's you" She smiled softly, her hand reaching across the table for me, her touch burning with bittersweet memories.

The tears were flowing freely, my brain trying to catch up with what was going on right now, failing miserably.

"If I need you, I'll call you. Okay? Just.. let me do this. Please" She begged, my head nodding before I could stop it.

"I love you. Okay? Whatever you need. Just tell me" I begged her to promise, Aaliyah bending to hug me, whispering back that she loved me, and that she was happy for me, before walking away; right out of my life.

What the hell just happened?

I walked through my apartment door in shambles marching past Colby who was sat on the couch, laptop resting on his thighs, shutting our bedroom door behind me, undressing.

I felt dirty. Like my crystal clear lake was now a murky pond.

The entire drive home I tried to understand what I had done. Relaying every text I sent, every conversation we've had. How it got to this point. I simply didn't understand and I don't think I ever will.

All I know is I lost my best friend. The person who's been there for me through thick and thin... and the second she needed me like I needed her, she cut the tie.

I lost her before I could even try to fight for her and I had no clue what to do.

* * * *  This chapters been "done" since January. I just wasn't happy with it and got writers block cus I didn't know how to fix it... and well.. now it's March uh..

If this book was a jenga tower, it's about to tumble 👀

Written on: December 21st 2023, January 4th, 7th, 8th, 10th, 14th, 22nd, March 6th 2024

Published: March 6th 2024

Word Count: 7210

Part Twenty Four

[britswriting]

Devotion (19)

Devotion Masterlist Read on Wattpad

T/W: Talk of parental death and abortion 

*Leighton's POV*

Moving is either an exciting, or dreadful process. I tend to lean towards the second option more often than not. I found change to be anxiety inducing and being 6 months pregnant wasn't helping my case at all.

Colby and I have looked at house after house, none of them feeling right.

Colby would tell me, "This is the one, I can feel it" but I'd disagree. Whether it was the backyard didn't have enough play space, or the master bathroom was too small (Even though it was way larger than the one we have now) there was always something that didn't feel right.

"Leighton, we've looked at seven houses, baby. None of them are going to check out everything. It's more important that we get the important stuff" Colby reminded, his hand caressing mine as we left the house, following our real-estate agent to our second house of the day.

"I just want it to be perfect" I sighed, Colby nodding.

"What did you think of the house, G?" Colby asked, his eyes flickering to the rearview mirror where Gemma was sitting in her car seat behind us.

"I wiked the swing-set" She replied, looking out the window. 

"Yeah? That looked really fun, didn't it. I promise bug, in our new house, we'll have a swing set, okay?" He told her, Gemma nodding. "Is there anything about the house you liked? Maybe your future bedroom, the play room?" He coaxed, Gemma shrugging. Colby sighed, leaning his head back against the seat.

"What did you like about the house?" I asked, curious as to why he felt so defeated.

"I think the kitchen was really nice. Had room for entertaining. The living room seemed like a good space to hang out. The room attached to it, through that archway? Could've been a nice play space. Close enough to the living room and kitchen, you know? It had a guest room for your siblings, maybe Sam, your parents" he looked over at me, "The master bedroom was nice. Not as big as the one I used to have, but it was nice none the less" He looked out his window, his jaw popping out a little before looking back through the front windshield. "I just don't understand what you want, babe. I mean, I know you want it too feel right, I just don't understand how it feels wrong? It was in a nice neighborhood. Safe. There was families around that Gemma could possibly befriend" He continued and I sighed, feeling like I once again was the problem.

"I don't know Colby. It just, I couldn't see us living there. I couldn't see my babies growing up there"

"Leighton, we make it a home. It doesn't make us a home" He commented, the sound of the soft radio hum and Gemma's murmured singing along being the only thing keeping this car from an awkward silence.

Half an hour later, we pulled up to yet another house. It looked like a Modern Farmhouse and I already knew I wouldn't like it, but I swallowed my pride and followed Gemma and Colby through the big black entry door.

"Alright, this is a five bedroom, four bathroom house" our realtor began, "It has almost everything you're looking for" he continued, "It's three point five million-" my eyes widened, "Dollars. They are willing to negotiate" he commented, Colby nodding as he followed Gemma down the hall, being greeted with floor to ceiling windows, to the left was a beautiful modern kitchen, and to the right was a cozy living room.

As we walked through the house, I couldn't help but notice everything it was missing.

A play space, a separate dining room for hosting, it was also on the smaller side for the backyard, the master bedroom was smaller than I knew Colby wanted, and the master bathroom shower was quite small.

I was surprised by how tight everything felt since it was three million fucking dollars.

Where does he think we have that in our budget? I thought we were splitting our income for this house?

"What do you think Gem? Think this could be your room?" Colby asked, Gemma wandering in, looking around at the strangers stuff, giving him a weird look that made me giggle.

My hand rested on my bump as I looked around, biting my lower lip.

I could feel Colby's eyes on me as I snooped before wandering out and down the hall towards another bedroom.

I peeked inside, unsure  if I could see us putting together a nursery in here.

Nothing felt right.

You know when you walk into a house, or even an apartment, and you think, alright, this will work. It might not be perfect, but it'll work.

This house had that. It could work. But the price compared to what you get was insane. 

We could move back to Minnesota with three million dollars and get a way better house, and land for that matter, than this place.

"What do you think, Leighton?" Colby asked, Gemma pushing past us, Colby quickly reminding her that these toys weren't hers and that she in fact, could not touch them. 

"What do you think?" I tossed back, not ready to drag him down again.

"I like the other place better" he said, my head nodding slowly.

It was nicer. Bigger. Had more of what we were looking for.

"I agree" I nodded again, Colby's head tilting.

"But you didn't like the last place?"

"I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it didn't feel right. This place, it's nice.. but it's small" I noted, my lips pursed at the fairly small closet.

"What about the area? It was a nice drive. It's gated" he commented, his eyes lingering on me as I scanned the room. 

"Yeah" I agreed, Gemma wandering over to us, whining that she was getting bored.

"Gemma, do you like this house?" Colby asked, Gemma shrugging.

She was losing interest.

When we asked her this morning if she'd like to come house hunting, quickly explaining that we'd be driving around and going into houses, she was excited, practically bouncing off the walls. Now that we were doing it? Not so much.

"This room is a bit smaller for it to be the nursery" Colby unknowingly agreed, turning on his heel to leave, stopping in the hallway to talk to the real estate agent.

"Mommy? Can we go back to Papa?" Gemma asked, rubbing at her eyes.

"Soon bug, we have one more house and then we can go to the grocery store and get stuff for dinner for Papas', okay?"

Gemma fell asleep on the ride to the third house, Colby carrying her the entire house tour, our voices fairly soft in hopes of keeping her asleep.

"I don't like this one" Colby commented first, my head nodding in agreement. "At this rate, we'll never find a house" he groaned, my hands cradling my stomach s I rocked on my feet. 

My feet were starting to swell a bit, and my back was getting sore from all the stairs we've been doing.

I wish I was in Gemma's place right now. A nap sounded great.

"I liked the yard space, the kitchen and the master bedroom" I noted, Colby humming in agreement.

"The bedrooms weren't bad. It's lacking a master bathroom though" he said, one of the main factors he wanted in our house.

"At this rate, we might as well build our own" I joked, my body freezing when I watched his eyes twinkle, "Colby-"

"What? That's not a bad idea"

"We aren't building a house in California. I doubt there is even land to do that. We'd have to buy land a house is on and tear it down. Not including the fact that I'm pregnant and the house won't be done and ready to move in by the time this baby pops out" I reminded him, really not wanting the stress of building a house right now.

Gemma stayed asleep in her car seat whilst we drove home, the 15 minutes of silence making the pit in my stomach grow larger when I cleared my throat and softly said, "I don't think I want to live here anymore", nervously looking over at Colby.

"What? What do you mean?" He asked, his voice a little rough from our prolonged silence.

"I think I don't want to live in California. I think that's what really is feeling wrong about all these places. I don't want my girls growing up here" I chewed on my lip again, feeling the soft delicate skin tear.

Colby stayed quiet, his fingers tapping against the steering wheel, causing my own fingers to spin my anxiety ring.

"Where do you want to move?" He asked softly. He didn't sound upset, or applaud by the idea, but simply tired. Defeated even.

"Well, Sam is in Nevada" I started, Colby nodding, "Your parents are in Arizona" I continued, Colby nodding again, "Which means to be close to your family, we need to stay on the west coast" I stated, Colby's brow furrowing. "But.. my family.. my family is in the Midwest" 

"What are you saying, Leighton?"

"I feel guilty" I murmured, my elbow resting on the door frame near the window, my cheek leaning against my hand as I watched traffic go by.

"About?"

"About wanting to move back home. Back to Minnesota" I clarified, "Especially since all your family is over here. I don't want to take you further away from your family, Colby"

"Leighton, babe, I've told you I don't care where we move. I just want you to be happy" He replied, my eyebrows furrowing as I turned to look at him.

"But what about your happiness? I want you to be happy, Colby" 

"I am happy, Leighton. You can't be worried about moving me away from my family" he glanced over at me, "I did that all on my own when I was a teenager. They're a phone call, or even a plane ride away. I'm okay. I know how much being near your family means to you. How you crave the close proximity"

"I just don't need another reason for your mom to hate me" I sighed, Colby's eyes rolling.

"She doesn't hate you"

"She does"

"She apologized, remember?"

"I'm still convinced she wants my head on a platter. She thinks I'm the worst thing for you, and now I'm carrying your offspring"

"Offspring? Please don't ever call our baby that ever again" he laughed, his hand moving off the wheel to my thigh, giving it a squeeze.

"Hey! be careful!" I swatted his hand away, already feeling like I had to pee. The less I could think about my vagina and how much I needed to pee the better. "If traffic doesn't get moving I'm going to piss my pants in this car" I groaned, fed up by California's traffic.

I'm learning very quickly, there is nothing worse than being pregnant, and sitting in California stop and go traffic.

We thankfully got to the grocery store in time for me to waddle off to the bathroom, Colby staying behind since Gemma was still asleep, when I realized this was the same store I got lost in five years ago.

Chuckling, I b-lined it for the bathroom, thankful I've been here quite a few times with Sam and Colby before finding a basket and grabbing a few things for dinner.

I set the grocery bags back in the car before hopping back in, buckling as Colby teased, "You didn't get lost this time" making me grin, Colby leaning over the console to kiss me.

Colby set a drowsy Gemma on the sofa as I plopped the grocery bags on the counter, Colby coming to help me with dinner.

Ever since moving back into the apartment, Colby has been a lot more hands on with me making dinner, Gemma and I helping him learn how to do things.

It was fun watching G take charge, showing him how to measure basic ingredients. (Even though I still had to help her, she acted like she didn't need my help when she instructed Colby) So watching Colby start to chop veggies and toss them into a sauce pan made my chest swell.

"Look at my master chef" I giggled, sneaking a quick kiss before slipping the diced tomatoes into his pan.

"Can't leave my girls hungry" he hummed, sneaking another kiss before stirring the veggies.

"It smells good" My dad commented, walking into the kitchen, looking tired as ever. "How did house hunting go?" he asked, Colby and I filling him in on our failed attempt of finding a house.

"Hey, speaking of moving" he cleared his throat, "I uh, I've been meaning to talk to you guys" dad said, catching my attention. "I didn't really want to say this like this" he started, worrying me, "But you're hard to track down these days"

"Dad, I'm a phone call away, remember?"

With me moving back in with Colby and trying to rebuild the foundation of my relationship, Landon and Logan have really stepped up with helping my parents, meaning I haven't seen my dad or mom for that matter as much as I used to. 

"I know, I know, I just.. I guess I just feel guilty for even bringing it up" he sighed, taking a seat on the bar stool.

"For bringing what up?" I asked, carefully carrying a cutting board of sliced meat over to Colby's pan.

"Your mothers afternoon nurse has uh, brought it to my attention about how rough mom's doing" he said, Colby's back tensing as I stilled, Colby shifting to face my father. "And uh, I made the comment on how we were struggling to afford to pay for all the extra help. You know how we stopped having the evening and night nurse? I mean, we had you around which was nice, I just, I don't want to hold you kids back from your life. I'm grateful you're willing to help, but you guys are old enough to be living your life without us holding you back" 

"Dad, you're not holding us back" I reassured him, afraid of where this conversation was going.

"With mom getting worse, and the money getting tight-"

"Dad, no" I shook my head, my fear starting to become very real.

"Leighton.. It's not fair on your mom-"

"No. Stop" my voice wobbled, remorse filling my dads facial features as he stared at me, my eyes becoming watery.

"Leighton, I think it's time we discussed letting mom go to the other side" he said softly, my heart dropping to my ass, as my tears threatened to fall.

My head violently shook, "No. I.. I'll pay. I'll figure it out. We can find the money" I began, Colby nodding, my dad jumping in before Colby could, "I already know you've offered to pay" dad told Colby, "But it's more than just money, sweetheart." he looked over at me, "It's life. She's getting worse. The cancer is spreading and causing more pain, and her organs to struggle. Baby, she can't even talk anymore. I hate this just as much as you do.. but, I hate even more watching my wife, and my children suffer. We all deserve peace. Your mom.. she shouldn't have to struggle like this every day" His own voice wobbled, my dad becoming emotional was really going to send me into a full meltdown.

"We can't lose her, dad" I began to cry, Colby turning off the stove, setting the pan aside before pulling me into a hug; my head fell into his chest as the tears began to pour at the thought of saying goodbye to my mom.

"Leighton, she's been suffering for a long time. You know that just as much as I do. We both know this isn't the woman we love. She's practically already gone, Leigh"

I just cried into Colby's chest, his chin resting on my head when I felt my dad's hand on my back.

"I hate this just as much as you do-"

"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU CRYING?!" I exploded, shoving my fiancé away, "Why are you doing this?! You sound like you've already decided! That this isn't even up for debate!" I cried, my face turning red as I glared at him, "You just what, giving me a courtesy warning? Fucking thanks dad!"

"Leighton-" he began to warn, my head shaking. 

"No! You're letting her go!" I yelled, "You're giving up!" 

"Leighton Rae, you know I would never give up on your mother, the woman I've loved for 25 years" 

"You are! You're letting her die!" I cried, dismissing the hurt that flashed across his face.

How could he do this? How does someone just decide to let their wife, mother of their children, die?

"Leighton Rae Fox, I am not letting her die. I'm letting her stop her suffering. You should just just as well as me that seeing her like that every day is heartbreaking" 

My throat closed, making it impossible for me to argue back as I choked on a sob, Colby pulling me back into his hold, letting me soak the fabric of his shirt.

The sound of my crying in the kitchen made a little voice ask "Mommy?" cracking my heart even more.

"What Gem?" Colby asked before I could pull away, wiping at my nose with the back of my hand.

"Mommy, kay?" She asked, my head nodding as I took a few deep breaths.

"I'm just sad, bug" my hoarse voice replied, my hand holding onto the counter top as I crouched down, keeping my balance.

"Why are you.. sad, momma?" She asked, her face showcasing concern as I opened my arm, welcoming her into my hold.

"Mommy's just sad at life stuff, bug. You know how you get sad when Coco goes bye bye?" I asked, Gemma nodding, "That's kinda why mommy's sad" I tried to explain, Gemma's face scrunched as she looked up at Colby.

"Coco leave gin?" She asked, air getting blown out between my lips as I shook my head, "No baby, Coco isn't leaving" 

"But.. Mommy say he weave?" 

I decided to just be honest, carefully sitting down on the tile since my legs were staring to ache, "You know how Nonna has a tube that gives her air? And food?" I asked, Gemma nodding.

"Yeah! No touch" her head shook, making me smile.

"Yeah, we don't touch it, huh" I brushed hair out of her eyes, "It helps Nonna breathe and eat so she's big and strong" my chest tightened, "Well, Nonna's been struggling lately.  She's no longer big and strong" I tried, unsure of how to explain death to my almost four year old.

"Nonna sick?" She asked, my head nodding.

"Yeah bug, Nonna's been sick for a while, remember?"

"Yeah!" She nodded, "We wait to get better" She looked up at my dad who I swear was on the verge of crying, "Nonna no better?"

"No baby, Nonna isn't better. That's why mommy is crying, bug" I smiled softly, sniffling a little as my eyes burned.

"Oh" She stated, her face full of confusion until her eyes twinkled, a look of hope making me want to protect her from everything that was about to happen, "Make Nonna card, with.. with Papa!" She grinned, looking over at my dad, "Make Nonna all.. all bedder" 

Oh my sweet girl..

"Baby, if you want to make a card for Nonna, go right ahead, bug, but uh.. Nonna's not gonna get any better" my voice cracked, Gemma's lips pursing, reminding me of myself.

"No bedder?"

"No baby"

"Why?"

"Nonna's very sick, bug"

"But.. but I get sick! I get.. get all bedder! I lay with.. with mommy! and Coco! And.. and I watch car..cartoons!" She grinned, looking up at Coco, "and has.. has snacks! Gemma all.. all bedder then! No more.. no more owies" Her face scrunched again, shaking her head. "Nonna, Nonna needs snacks, momma! And.. and.. and paw.. paw patrol!" She walked past me towards the pantry, snatching a sandwich baggie of proportioned goldfish crackers, running past me and up the stairs, my heart completely shattering as a stangled cry rippled through my throat, my head hung low as the tears continued to pour.

"Do you got her if I go-" my dad paused, his voice low before I heard him leave, feeling Colby sit down next to me, pulling me into his arms.

"I'm sorry, baby" he hummed, kissing the top of my head before the two of us sat in silence, allowing me to cry.

"I can't lose her, Colby" I cried, "I mean, I know.. know she isn't here" I struggled, "But she is.. here" I sniffled, "My daughter needs her grandmother, Colby! I.. my baby is never going to meet her" I cried, Colby tugging me into his lap, my belly in our way making him chuckle and shift us so I was slightly crooked, leaning me forward with my arms wrapped around his neck, his hand moving in a soothing motion on my back.

"Leighton, she has been suffering for a long time" Colby said softly, "And we knew this day would come eventually" he reminded me, my eyes squeezed shut.

"She isn't supposed to die" I whimpered, my breathing rapid as I tried to calm down, wishing I could reverse the clock, or even just change positions with her.

I'd take it away from her in a heartbeat.

We eventually got up off the floor, Colby handing me a water bottle before grabbing my hand and slowly leading me up the stairs.

Walking into my parents bedroom, my mom laying there, looking less and less like herself every day felt like a nightmare I couldn't awake from.

I miss watching her move effortlessly around the house, the way her caring voice gave the best advice, or the way her laugh just felt like home.

I miss the excitement she had learning she was going to be a grandmother, and all the hopes and dreams we had. 

Seeing her lay here with so many wires and tubes attached to her felt.... well, it felt horrifying.

The color in her skin was lacking, and her eyes were closed as her lips parted for the tube.

She looked like a ghost of herself.

Gemma laid next to my mom, goldfish crackers laid one by one on the comforter in my moms lap, Gemma munching on her crackers as my dad sat in the chair by the window, watching the scene play out.

"Mommy!" Gemma grinned, "I gave Nonna fishies!" She grinned, shaking her bag, my eyes widening as crackers went everywhere. "Oops"

"Gemma!" I whisper lectured, moving quickly to collect the crackers, my dad chuckling to himself as Colby came to help.

"Sowwy" She giggled, her cheeks flushed pink.

"It's alright baby, just gotta be careful, okay?" I hummed, plopping a few of the collected crackers back into the bag.

"Nonna no eat fishies?" She frowned, looking at the placed crackers on the comforter.

"I'm sure she will later, okay? She's sleeping, remember? Gotta shh" I held my finger up to my lip, Gemma copying me before climbing out of her spot, wobbling over to me, my arms quickly catching her before she tripped on the blankets. "Gemma, careful" I frowned, Gemma giggling as she wrapped her little arms around my neck.

"Nonna get bedder, mommy! No more sad" She grinned, clearly proud of herself for "nursing Nonna back to health"

"I love you, Gemma Lorraine" I spoke quietly, brushing hair out of her face yet again before kissing her cheek.

"Wuv you, mommy" She giggled again, warming up my shattered heart.

That night we all ate dinner in my parents room, Gemma complaining about the veggies in our stir-fry, Colby taking offense which landed us in a bout of giggles as Colby got her to eat the veggies, claiming he'll be upset that she doesn't like his cooking, pretending to cry until the almost four year old caved, popping a mushy carrot into her mouth, a look of disgusting making me snicker, Colby shaking his head with a little laugh.

My father practically kicked me out of the house, saying I can come back tomorrow to see my mom after I tried to hold a protest, the car ride home silent. Colby took it upon himself to get Gemma into bed as I sat in our bed, my mind spiraling.

I couldn't help but let my mind think about having to plan a funeral for my mom, truly saying goodbye to her and letting her rest easy one last time.

I hated everything about the situation.

I remember when we found out she had cancer, and the spiral that sent me in, but knowing I had to say goodbye due to it made my head feel funny.

I almost craved the idea of letting lose and giving into my old habits, but I knew that was me just wanting a release.

I was stronger today, than I was back in High School. 

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Colby asked, tugging his shirt off, tossing it into the hamper before tugging his jeans off as I replied "Shitty"

"I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Leighton" He sighed, crawling into bed in just a pair of underwear, laying on his stomach as he rested on his elbows, looking up at me. "Your belly looks huge from this angle" he laughed, my eyes rolling as he shimmied closer, pressing a kiss against my stomach. "If only you told me when we first met that you'd be lying in my bed, knocked up with my baby" he grinned, finally coming to lay next to me, snuggling close with his arm tucked under my stomach, across my hips.

"I'm pretty sure you would've kicked me out quicker" I teased, shimmying lower on the bed against the pillows.

"Do you want some happy news?" He asked quietly, catching my attention.

"We have happy news?"

"We do" he hummed, his hand sneaking up to rest against my bump.

"Lay it on me" I snickered, sighing with content as his hand slipped under my shirt, softly caressing my stomach.

"Sam texted me" he started, my eyes rolling.

"That's nothing new"

"Will you let me finish?" He laughed, my mind quickly finding the gutter, getting me to giggle to myself as Colby continued, "He's planning on proposing to Kat soon"

My jaw dropped.

"You're joking!" 

"Dead serious"

"Oh my god! When did he tell you that?"

"Well, he dragged me ring shopping-"

"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! COLBY!" I yelled, slapping his arm.

"I'm sorry! I was sworn to secrecy"

"Secrecy doesn't count with your future wife, and best friend!"

"Noted" he laughed, "Anyway, he texted me whilst we were eating dinner. He's been trying to figure out exactly how he wants to do it, but he says he's got a plan in motion now so" he shrugged, his eyes falling closed as he laid against my boobs, snuggled close.

"Nuh-uh Brock" I groaned, "You don't get to drop that on me and snuggle into my boobs and go to bed" 

I felt him grin against me, kissing the fabric against the side of my boob, my stomach fluttering at the feeling.

"Why are you wearing clothes in bed?" He grumbled, his hand cupping my right boob, giving it a squeeze which made me moan out of both pleasure and discomfort.

"Colby! They're sore, be nice" I frowned, "And because we have a toddler who likes to crawl into our bed sometimes"

"She won't know" he laughed, my eyes rolling.

"Some kids have memories when they're little. She doesn't need to see my boobs, Colby"

"Why? She's fed off them for a year" he teased, pinching my sensitive nipple, causing me to yelp and slap his hand, only for him to quickly move it, causing me to hit my own boob making me groan as he cackled.

"I hate you. You're dead to me, Brock!" 

"I thought we agreed to no clothes in bed, hm?" He tried again, thankfully knowing better than to tease me for missing his hand.

"We did not. You said that and I ignored you"

"Well, I think it's a good idea"

"You're going to regret that when my boobs start leaking milk"

"Sexy" He teased, my boob still stinging.

"Shut up and tell me how Sam plans to propose to Kat"

Colby explained what he knew, answering the questions I had until my voice became soft and drowsy, lulling into a sleep snuggled into his chest.

Sleeping in our bed still felt weird, even with him back in it, but snuggling into him has always felt right.

It felt nice to have more than just a pillow to cuddle all night low.

The next morning, Colby had plans to meet with one of his marketing team members for a brand collaboration, leaving Gemma and I to fend for ourselves all afternoon since my dad told me I wasn't allowed over until after 1pm.

Something about not wanting me hovering and wasting my precious day away, Insert eyeroll here.

I pulled into their driveway right at 1pm, Gemma hopping out of the car all by herself, racing to the door and yanking it open, quickly reminding me of how my little girl is not so little anymore.

"Papa!" Gemma yelled, kicking off her sandals and running upstairs.

How does this girl have so much energy?

Gemma hung out with my dad in his art studio whilst I laid with my mom, the evening creeping up on us when my phone buzzed.

Expecting it to be Colby, I flipped it over, clicking the home button so the lockscreen of Colby and Gemma grinning  with ice cream cones in their hands came into view.

My eyes narrowed when I saw Lexi's name.

Roo 🥱 Hey Leighton. I know it's been a while but I was....

Huffing, I typed in my password, opening my messages.

Roo 🥱 Hey Leighton. I know it's been a while but I was wondering if we could meet up? I'd really like to talk to you. Explain things. 

Roo 🥱 Brennen and I broke up. Please.. just hear me out? I'm sorry

Why was she begging me? She was the one ignoring me!

I debated on being petty, but decided that I needed to grow up and hear her out, I replied; 

Where do you want to meet up?

Sighing, I shut my phone off, not expecting her to reply quickly; only to be surprised when my phone buzzed.

Roo 🥱 I've been staying at Kirsten's. Roo 🥱 Can we meet up at Heather's coffee house around the corner?

Kirsten's? Like my cousin Kirsten? The girl who dropped off the face of the earth and has stopped coming to any family functions for years? What was she doing there?

Agreeing, I asked when, quickly making plans for tomorrow at 2:15pm, praying to god I don't get stood up.

When I walked through Heather's Coffee House at 2:04pm, the nerves set in as I worried about her blowing me off.

I sat down at the booth with a smoothie in hand, aggravated that I can't drink caffeine; scrolling through my phone as I waited.

There was a text from Colby, reminding me to tell him how it goes since he was at a shoot all day.

2:20 rolled around and I was ready to block her number and resume my petty actions, knowing I was right that her ass would stand me up and waste my time.

 Ten more minutes passed and I huffed, grabbing my drink and pushing the metal chair in, saying a quick goodbye to the teenage barista as I left the café. 

What was the point? To waste my time? See if I still cared?

Maybe she chickened out, but why? 

 I could feel anger boil in my chest as I practically stomped down the sidewalk towards my car, ready to call Colby and give him a piece of my mind about my sister when I heard my name frantically shouted, stopping me in my tracks as I turned around, my sister flagging me down.

I glared, turning on my heel as I walked back, her apologetic face looking very punchable right about now.

"I'm sorry I'm late!" She quickly said, a string of hope lingering in her eye as she glanced down at my stomach, then back at me. "You're so pregnant" She whispered probably to herself, my head nodding out of instinct.

"Mhm"

"I.. wow. It's been awhile" She stated, like she hasn't realized how much time has actually passed.

"Yep" my P popped, annoyance evident in my tone, hopefully speeding this process up.

I thought she wanted to talk?

"I uh, can we go in and sit down, please? I'm sorry for being late! I'll explain everything if you will just listen" She spoke in one breath, and I nodded, following her inside to another table in the back of the dining area.

"I got caught up with work and I had to stop back at Kirsten's and I-"

"It's fine" I interrupted, "What do you want to talk about?" I watched her fiddle, her eyes locked on her hands against the brown wooden table. "Lex?"

"I'm so sorry" she breathed out, my body collapsing against the chair. I knew this was useless.  "I never meant to be a bitch" she continued, catching my attention, "I just..... you were right" she exhaled, confusing me as I sat up straight.

"I was right?" I asked, Lexi nodding, "How was I right?"

"I should've never dated Brennen" She said softly and I nodded.

"You're right. You shouldn't have"

"I know.."

"Lexi, what happened? Why did you want to meet?"

"You're the only person I can talk to about this" She murmured, practically sitting on the edge of her seat, ready to bolt at any second.

"Lexi" I said, growing impatient.

I can't sit here all day. I have a dying mother to tend to, and a toddler to care for.

"I'm pregnant" She blurted, my eyes practically popping out of my head.

I swear the world stopped and everything moved in slow motion.

"You're what?" I questioned, my voice full of shock and disbelief.

What did she just say?

"I'm pregnant" She repeated.

So I did hear her right.

"I... what? With Brennen?" I asked, Lexi nodding slowly. "Lexi.." 

"I know!" She whimpered, covering her head with her hands, hiding from me.

"How far along are you?" I asked, struggling to wrap my head around my baby sister being impregnated. 

"I don't know"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I haven't gone to the hospital" she confessed, leaving me bewildered.

"When did you find out?" I questioned, feeling like I was living in some sort of nightmarish alternate universe where everything that could go horribly wrong, does.

"A week ago" 

A WEEK AGO?!

"And you haven't gone to the hospital? Lexi!" I scolded, her face turning pink.

"I know, but I can't!" I whined.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I don't want mom and dad to know" She said, wiping under her eye.

What?

"What do you mean?"

"I'm still on their insurance and I don't want them to know I'm knocked up" She clarified. "I don't even know if I'm keeping it" She said softly, almost inaudibly.

"Not keeping it?" I questioned, my head trying to process a million things at once; failing miserably. "And what do you mean I'm the only one you can talk to about it? What's going on?" I asked, feeling like everything was coming out of left field. "You want an abortion?" I asked, Lexi's eyes widening as she shushed me, looking around us at the mostly empty tables.

"I don't know! I just.. you thought about aborting Gemma, didn't you?" She asked quietly and I nodded slowly. "I just... you have experience with being young and pregnant and in a bad relationship" She confessed, catching my attention again.

A bad relationship?

"Lexi, what's going on? I know you texted that you and Brennen broke up... does he know?" I asked, Lexi avoided eye contact, "Lex, does he know about the baby?" I asked, her head shaking, a sigh leaving my lips. "Lexi.."

"I know! I just.. I can't tell him! We're already broken up.."

"He deserves to know" I frowned.

No matter how much I hate him, they were together for quite awhile...

"Not if I don't keep it" She stated, sitting up straighter.

"Do you really not want to keep it?" I asked, surprised by this revelation since I always expected her to be overjoyed to be a mother.

"I don't know.. I just.. I'm worried" 

"Lexi, if you're not sure, then don't go through with it. Don't do something you'll regret. You should really go to the doctor, see how far along you are, maybe even double check that your pregnancy tests were valid and talk about your options with a medical professional. It's scary, but you need to do what's safest for you, and in your best interest"

"Is it selfish of me to abort it?" She asked quietly, my ears catching a guilty undertone that screamed more than just unexpected pregnancy.

"Lexi, what's going on?" I asked softly, leaning forward to grab her hand with mine, hoping the contact soothed her the same way Colby's did with me.

"Kirsten thinks I shouldn't get an abortion-"

"Well this isn't Kirsten's baby or body Lexi"

"But.. she knows the facts and she's worried-"

"The facts?" I interrupted, my eyes narrowed. "Lexi, what's going on?"

"Kirsten wants me to file a police report" She said quietly, my hand yanking back like it had touched something scolding hot.

"A police report?! For what?! You better start talking Lexi Nicole Fox and fast" 

"Please don't be mad at me" her voice cracked.

"Lexi, tell me" 

"Brennen's been abusing and raping me for months"

* * * * 

Written on: August 15th, 27th, 28th 2023

Published on: August 28th 2023

Word Count: 6130

Part twenty

[britswriting]

Devotion (9)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

I was really starting to hate therapy. Every time I left I felt more shitty than when I walked in.

I knew Colby and I were both in the wrong, but that didn't make it sting any less to realize everything I was so desperately grasping onto was gone within one argument.

A week and a half without Colby has been a nightmare.

Gemma was becoming very moody since Colby's made no contact, his empty side of the bed and lack of clothes on the floor was a daily reminder that I had once again fucked up. I had lost him again, and it was no one's fault but my own.

"Mommy!" Gemma squealed, running into the kitchen.

"Woah! Slow down bug!" I called out, flashbacks of Gemma slipping in her socks playing in my head as she crashed into my legs. "Hi lovebug. How was your dads'?" I questioned, grunting as I picked her up to cuddle her.

"Fun! I pway with Zara" She grinned, swinging her legs back and forth when I had sat her on the counter.

"Yeah? Daddy told me Auntie Penny was gonna be there?" I asked, Gemma nodding as I grabbed my baking bowl and recipe.

"Auntie Penny say I go.. go to skwool soon!" Gemma exclaimed, messing with the baking bowl, letting it rattle against the counter.

"Mhm. Next year lovebug"

"No more rolls?" She asked with a saddened tone.

"Do you like tumbling?" I questioned, surprised by her shown emotion about leaving.

We put her into tumbling to get her around more kids her age, and to give her something fun to do twice a week; I never expected her to grow attached.

"Yeahhh! Me an.. an.. Elle pway dare!"

I smiled at the mention of her friend, dragging more of the ingredients over to the island when Aaliyah walked into the kitchen, "You look like you've got hit by a truck" I snickered, Aaliyah huffed as she sat on the barstool.

"You couldn't have picked a better baby daddy? I mean honestly Leigh. That man drives me up a wall" She groaned, my eyes glancing towards Gemma who was in her own little world.

"Why, what did he do?"

The second the elongated sigh left Aaliyah's lips I knew I was in for it.

"Your loser of an ex had the fu- annoying audacity to ask why I was getting Gemma; not you" She glared, "Like does he not understand that this sh- ish is hard?! I mean, dam- dang Leighton; how do you do this?!"

"I come home and rant to my fiancé; oh wait-" I half joked, my head cocked to the side, Aaliyah letting a snicker leave her lips as she shook her head. "Too soon?" I asked, Aaliyah nodding.

"Way too soon"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't got my ish together. I mean, look at me; I'm in the same spot I was five years ago" I passed a weak smile, Aaliyah's frown making me turn my attention to Gemma.

"Want help momma bake?" I asked, Gemma nodding as she squeezed the bag of chocolate chips. "Hey, careful bug" I giggled, slipping the hair tie off my wrist, wrapping Gemma's hair out of her face. "I love you G" I murmured, placing a smooch on her cheek, smiling at my toddler's giggle as she wiped the kiss off. Gasping, I exclaimed, "Did you just wipe off mommy's love?!" Making her quickly shake her head, giggling to herself. "I think you did! That was very mean" I fake pouted, Gemma shifting on the counter to turn around, my hands instinctively reaching out to protect her from slightly wobbling.

"No wipe kisses!"

"Did too!" I teased, pouting.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes you did! I saw you!" I giggled, peppering her face in kisses; listening to her squeal.

"Mommy!"

"Gemmmma!" I mocked, tickling her carefully, keeping an eye on how close she was to the edge, my hand wrapped around her back as she wiggled.

I let up, Gemma panting as I maneuvered around the counter.

"Lay Lay no help me!" Gemma whined, Aaliyah grinning as she reached over the counter, sliding Gemma over to her, the toddler laughing when Aaliyah copied my actions.

"No! No kisses!"

"Yes kisses! Lay Lay loves Gem soooooo much! Do you love me?"

"Wove Lay Lay!"

"You do?!" she gasped, Gemma grinning which made my heart burst into a puddle of happiness.

"YESSSSS!"

"Good; I love you too" Aaliyah spoke triumphally, my daughter and best friend giggling to themselves.

Gemma helped me make banana bread, Aaliyah filming us, showing me the video she got of Gemma smushing the banana's.

"Look at her face!" Aaliyah cackled. I swear tears were rolling down her cheeks as she replayed it, Gemma's face of disgust on loop.

Once the bread had cooled off, I cut Gemma a slice, smothering butter onto it and sliding it over to the greedy toddler, awaiting approval.

"Mommy a good baker?" I asked, becoming impatient as she took her first bite.

"I elp!" Gemma corrected, a smile on my face.

"You did. So proud of you baby. Is it good?" I asked, Gemma nodding as she chewed with her mouth open, "Gemma, mouth closed" I softly reprimanded, hating whenever people did that.

"Coco tie?" She asked, gulping down her bread.

"Uh.. maybe?" I stuttered, not wanting to lie to her, but also not wanting to give her false hope. "I don't know when he's coming back bug, and hey, if it really is that good, maybe we'll just eat it all and not give any to Coco!" I teased, Gemma giggling as she nodded.

"Give Papa?"

"We can give some to Papa" I nodded, plucking a piece of the bread off the uncut loaf.

"See Papa mommy?"

"Mhm, later baby"

"Go now!"

"We've gotta get you ready bug" I reminded, passing Gemma her glass of milk.

"Sweepover wif Papa!" She cheered and I couldn't help but let a bittersweet feeling wash over me.

She was soon to be four way too fast, and every day her speech improved, or her actions showed maturity; a piece of me cried at night.

My baby was growing up way too fast, and I couldn't stop it.

"I smell banana bread!" Aaliyah sang, walking into the kitchen. "Did the banana monkey make banana bread?" Aaliyah asked Gemma, turning the dish of uncut bread towards her.

"Yesss! With Momma!"

"Your momma can't bake! Did you watch her?" Aaliyah teased, my eyes narrowing towards my best friend.

"I elp!"

"Gemma was a big help" I agreed, Aaliyah eyeing us like she didn't believe it, taking a fork and slicing off the edge.

"There is a knife right there you animal!" I pointed, chuckling at her chaos.

"Oh no, not your precious bread! How dare we have to eat more and make it even?!" She dramatized, stuffing the fork in her mouth. "Mm" She moaned, chewing, "Not bad" she spoke with her mouth full, my eyes glancing away. "You did good Gemma"

"Gemma, what do you say?" I reminded her, my daughter was too busy stuffing her face to acknowledge the compliment.

"Frank you!" She exclaimed, crumbling slipping past her lips as her cheeks puffed out.

"Gemma! Smaller bites!" I quickly reminded her, afraid of her choking.

Once her plate was clean, she ran off to the bathroom, leaving me to clean up. I covered the bread to keep it fresh, Aaliyah placing the dishes in the sink.

"Hey, are you coming with me to my parents tonight? Gemma and I are staying over for the night" I questioned, turning on the tap to start cleaning up.

"Why are you going over there?" She questioned, taking the rag from me to wipe down the counter.

"I'm honestly tired of being in the apartment. Every room I walk into is laced with Colby, and it fucking sucks. He won't text me back and his hearing is tomorrow, so who knows if he'll even show. I just.. I'm fucking tired of walking into my room, climbing into our bed, and being alone."

"I'm sorry Leigh" Aaliyah frowned, abandoning the rag on the counter, wrapping me in a hug.

"Don't hug me too long or I'll cry" I warned, my arms wrapping around her in return, Aaliyah softly squeezing me.

"It's going to be okay. You got through it with Gemma, you'll get through it with this one" She smiled, her hand dropping down to my belly, reminding me that I was in fact pregnant, and lost everything.

"I just.." I sighed, my head falling against her shoulder, "I don't understand.. how he could leave? Leaving me, I get. It's fine, it's whatever.. but our baby? Gemma? How could he just walk out? I.. I told him about the bump.. and he left?" I sniffled.

"I don't know Leighton. I mean, he's clearly going through something. I mean, this isn't Colby. We both know that. You've both got your shit, I've got my own shit.. we're all just trying to figure it out and sometimes that means leaving for a while and coming back. You of all people should know that"

I lifted my head from her shoulder, backing up against the counter, my lips rolling in as I tried to collect my thoughts.

"I just.." My finger spun the anxiety ring absentmindedly, Aaliyah's eyes glancing down towards my hand and then back at my eyes; "I'm so fucking tired. I mean.. what does he even want? He keeps saying this isn't what he wanted, yet he won't tell me what he wants! I get he wants.. wants more.. but of what? He acts like I'm holding him back from the life he wanted, but if that was true; why'd he propose? It's not like I've changed much. I'm still here trying to figure this shit out and make sure Gemma is fully taken care of. It's not like one day I was the perfect girlfriend and the next I was some controlling freak! I uh.. I talked about it in therapy right? And kind of explaining the situation and the shit we'd said.. I just don't understand. I don't.. I don't get why. Why he wouldn't say anything until it was too late. Why'd he leave? Why'd he ignore me? Gemma? I.. I thought he loved us? I'm such a fucking idiot!" I whined, beginning to fall apart as the silence grew thicker.

"You're not an idiot Leighton"

"No I'm a fucking dumbass! I didn't fucking notice his bullshit! I mean, I noticed he was acting different.. but I.. I don't know! I thought.. I don't know what I thought! I mean, there were times he was overly affectionate, and there were times he wouldn't even look me in the eye! There were nights he couldn't stop putting his dick in me, and there were nights that he didn't come to bed until well in the early morning. It's so.. so.. so hot and cold! It just.. it became normal! I.. I never thought something was wrong. I haven't lived with him like this in so long.. I just.. maybe he was like that ya know? I'm so fucking stupid!" I ranted, my hand tugging at my hair as I began to pace in the kitchen.

"Leighton.."

I waited for her to continue, but she didn't. The frown on her face feeding me sympathy, tugging at my emotional string until I cracked, a small tear rolling down my face.

"I'm pregnant with his baby.. and he didn't want to come home" My voice cracked, my eyes blurred as I swallowed down the truth. "I don't want to lose him" I confessed, rubbing at my eye to clear my vision, "But I don't know how to get him back. He seemed so.. so over it and I can't.. I can't.. Aaliyah I can't do this again"

"Well what did he tell you? You told me you guys argued. Did you listen to him? What did he want?" She pressed, keeping distance between us as I took a deep breath.

"He doesn't want an apartment. He wants a house.. he.. he wants the Bahama's.. Sam" I listed, my voice wobbling.

I cleared my throat, swallowing the lump of boiling emotion. "I just.. He said he was fine. That he'd meet me halfway here" I motioned to the apartment, licking my lips as I looked around.

"Have you met him halfway?" She questioned, a look in her eye telling me I wasn't going to like where this was going.

"What do you mean?"

"Well clearly he gave up something he wanted for you, have you done the same?"

"He doesn't voice what he wants! I mean, he exploded finally about what he wants I guess.. but I just.. I can't do that Aaliyah!"

"Why not?"

"I need security" I stated, Aaliyah pulling her lips to the side, her tongue in her cheek as my brow furrowed. "What?"

"You don't need security" She stated like it was the most superficial information.

"What?"

"Leighton, why won't you leave the apartment?"

"What? What do you mean? This is my home" I stated, confused even more by the eyeroll.

"You're telling me that you want to live in an apartment for the rest of your life? You want Gemma to grow up on the second floor of this dingey building forever?" She asked, my lips parting with offense.

"It is not dingey!"

"Leigh, the hallway carpet is red"

"And?"

"You're not exactly living in a penthouse!"

"I can't afford a penthouse!"

"THAT! That's the problem!" She pointed at me, my face scrunching up.

"What?"

"You can't afford a penthouse! That's your fucking problem! You know who can?! COLBY!" She exclaimed, my eyes narrowing at my best friend.

"Okay, no need to rub it in!" I groused.

"Leighton! You know Colby can afford better than this hellhole!"

"Can you stop!? My apartment isn't bad!"

"It could be better. You don't even have an ensuite bathroom"

"So?"

"So! Colby's last mansion had ensuite bathrooms with like every room! Face it Leighton, he can afford a penthouse if you really wanted to stay in an apartment, but that isn't the problem! The problem is you want control!"

"I do not" I dismissed, shaking my head at her, Aaliyah scoffing, her arms crossing over her chest.

"You do too! You say you want security, but you have security! If you want financial security, you had Colby!"

"I'm not depending on a man, Aaliyah! He's fucking flaky! He leaves!"

"Oh my god" She groaned, my chest tightening as I inhaled a sharp breath, a solemn look on my face. "He left because you pushed him away! What sane person turns down the fucking Bahama's with their sexy fiancé?! I followed River to Tennessee! Your man just wanted to take you on vacation to the Bahamas!"

"Aaliyah" I spoke with a warning tone.

"What!"

"You're crossing a line"

"HOW?!! I'm telling you the fucking truth! It's not my fault you can't take it!"

"I can too fucking take it, but it's bullshit!"

"No it isn't! You're constantly on flight or fight! I understand why he fucking left!" She exclaimed, my body stumbling backwards a little.

"What does that mean?!"

"You're impossible, Leighton! You take and you take and you take! GIVE A LITTLE!" She yelled, my eyes widening at how worked up she was getting.

"Shh! Gemma's down the hall!" I hissed, knowing Gemma was supposed to be packing her bag of toys to leave.

Aaliyah rolled her eyes, glaring at me. "You're controlling Leighton. You want what you want, and you never give in"

"How am I supposed to give when everything is taken from me!" I argued back, my eyes scanning her face, trying to find any sense of warmth and love; how did we get here?

"The only things taken are the things you've left! The things you've neglected! Pushed away! You always try to look like the victim, when you're becoming the villain! You know, Gabe wasn't this horrific monster you've made him out to be when you were dating! You guys were together for years! I get shit went down and you had a rough time and maybe he wasn't the easiest on you... but Leighton, you see what you want to see! Yes, he's made shitty comments; he's done shitty things, but you can't tell me he's been a monster the entire time! You can't tell me Colby's been a dick to you the entire time! Your two serious relationships have ended in similar ways, and yet you're the victim?" She pushed, my breathing becoming heavier as I tried to focus on what she was saying; wishing to not start a fight over something stupid.

Was it stupid? It didn't feel stupid, yet it sounded ridiculous..

"How am I painting myself to be the victim? I've owned up to my shit! I fuck up all the time! I know that-"

"Owning up to your shit, is not changing your behavior!" She snapped, her eyes losing the beautiful pop of color that washed warmth and comfort over me.

What was happening?

I stared at her in disbelief, not finding a single word to throw back in her face.

I swallowed the salvia that had collected in my throat, my lips parting and closing over and over again.

I was speechless.

"And what is my behavior?" I asked softly, the skin of my eyebrows scrunching together as my head began to pound.

"Time and time again, you need something. The world doesn't revolve around you all the time!" She exclaimed, her words feeling like a sword through my chest.

"I never said it did" I stated, confused where all of this pent up emotion was coming from.

"You didn't have to say anything! You show it time and time again! I've been there for you, Logan's been there for you, Gabe's been there for you, hell Silas was there for you! Don't even get me started on Colby! That man has bent over backwards time and time again for you, even in times where you probably didn't deserve it! You have a litter of people willing to drop everything to help and protect you, and all you do in return is ask them again! You yell at Colby for going back to jail, and yet you keep going back to rehab!" Aaliyah threw out, my jaw dropping.

"THAT'S DIFFERENT!"

"HOW! HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT?!"

"I DIDN'T ALMOST KILL SOMEONE!"

"And how did you know he did?! You always think the fucking worst!"

"Because no sane person drinks and drives, let alone twice!"

"And who are you to judge on what a sane person would do?!" She snapped, my chest tightening as my blood began to boil; instant regret covering Aaliyah's face. "Leigh-"

"Get out. Get your shit and leave! I'm so fucking done" I pointed towards the door, my hand literally shaking as I tried to contain the magnitude of emotions rushing through my body.

"Once again, a villain playing the victim" She muttered, my entire body slumping into the counter out of exhaustion, Aaliyah turning on her heel to leave the kitchen.

Was I the villain?

Did I really ruin everything?

Am I the problem?

"Mommy?" A timid voice caught my attention, my head turning to the arch of the kitchen. "Done yellin'?" She asked, my entire heart shattering onto the floor as my head hung low.

Fuck.

I took a deep breath, finding whatever left over strength I had to pull myself up.

I need to be there for her. To be the adult. The safe space, and here I was yelling when she was just 20 feet away.

"Yes baby, I'm sorry" I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut, letting a few deep breaths fill my lungs before blinking away the stubborn tears; turning to face my daughter.

"You otay?" She asked, stepping on the shattered pieces.

"I'm okay lovebug. Auntie Lay Lay and I were just arguing. We're okay, okay?" I asked and she nodded slowly. "Hug?" I suggested, crouching down to her level.

She slowly walked over to me, once in arms reach I yanked her into my chest, getting her to gasp then giggle as I squeezed her.

"I love you Gemma. I'm sorry mommy was yelling" I apologized, my words muffled against her beautiful blonde hair.

"Go see Papa?" She asked and I nodded against her, lifting her up as I stood up, her legs wrapping around my waist.

"Are you all packed?" I questioned, Gemma nodding.

I placed a tender kiss on her cheek, Gemma's hands cradling my face.

"Mommy no cwy, kay?" She said, my lip quivered, but I quickly nodded.

"Okay"

"Wove you!"

"Love you so much Gemma Lorraine"

~

"You made this all by yourself?!" My dad gasped, plopping a piece of the bread onto two plates.

Gemma shook her head, "Mommy elp me!" she declared, ignoring my breathy laugh.

Gemma watched with bated breath as her Papa tried her baked goods, a grin breaking out on her face as he hummed with approval.

"Papa Ike?!" She excitedly asked, rocking on her feet as her fingers dug into the countertop.

"I love it baby girl. You're the best baker!"

"YAY!" She squealed, my dad and I grinning down at her.

"You know if you're not careful, you might have a mini Mormor on your hands" He joked, my cheeks tightening as Gemma shoveled more bread into her mouth.

"It'll be better than a mini Papa" I teased, my dad faking offense.

"Are you having more or am I putting it back?" He asked, offering me some of the bread.

"I had some earlier. I'm not the biggest fan of bananas" I reminded him, my dad tossing me a strange look as he zipped the bag back up.

"Why'd you make something you won't eat?"

"Because Gemma loves bananas"

~

I crawled into my parents bed, Gemma getting lost in my dad's art room, leaving me alone with my mother.

Her deep raspy breathing was an immediate reminder of what was going on, a breathing tube perched under her nose giving me one too many flashbacks.

"Hi momma" I cooed softly, tugging the comforter up under my boobs, getting comfy against her arm.

I listened to her gasp for air before a quick "Hi" exhaled out, followed by another gasp of her "Sun" and another "Shine"

I licked my lips, letting her voice melt on my heart, my hand carefully grabbing my moms, letting our fingers intertwine.

"I love you momma" I spoke softly, her rough breathing making it hard to feel at peace against her touch.

"Love.... You... Leigh..ton" She breathed out, a small sniffle being the only thing keeping me together.

I laid there, listened to my mom's breathing, her heartbeat being drowned out by the sudden coughing, my body instantly sitting up to help her before we'd fall back into a somewhat peaceful position.

I let my eyes close, my mind racing as I tried to soak it all in, my thumb absentmindedly rubbing against my shirt, my mom's hand lightly squeezing mine.

I could almost look past it. Sure she struggled to do things, and maybe she was bed bound.. but she was still my mom.

Then her eyes looked a little more lifeless, and her smile didn't reach the same spot on her cheeks, and her laugh wasn't as deep.

She was the shell of my mom, and every time I saw her, I swear it got worse, but listening to her gasp for air, or coughing when she gasped too quickly made my body feel like it was hit by a bus.

I was losing her... and I didn't know when.

Today? Tomorrow? Next week? No one knew how long we had left and it terrified me every day.

What if I was asleep? At work? What if I lost her, and I wasn't there?

A soft knock on the door got my attention, the tickle of a stray tear rolling down my face making me feel even worse.

I needed to stop crying.

"Hey, what do you want for dinner?" My dad asked softly, my body shifting more upright, glancing over at my mom who appeared to be sleeping.

My breath got caught in my throat as I grabbed her wrist, immediately checking her palm.

You can never be too sure..

I felt her pulse against my fingertips, my chest falling in relief as I looked back over at my dad, "Whatever Gemma wants is fine"

"Well Gem wanted candy so uh.." he chuckled, a smile tugging at my lips.

"I can come make dinner if you want"

"No, it's fine. You be with your mom. You both need it" He gave me a tender smile, a look of sadness filling his façade. "Tacos fine?"

I nodded and my dad softly shut the door, leaving me alone again.

I hated being alone.

It was probably one of my biggest weaknesses.

Being alone meant no one wanted to stick around. They didn't want you. You weren't worth their time, and I couldn't blame them.

I wouldn't want to be with the villain either.

I got Gemma tucked into bed later that night, her body pressed against mine as I softly ran my hand on her back.

"Momma?"

"Yes, bug?"

"Coco come home soon?" She asked quietly, my shoulders tensing up before collapsing.

"I hope so Gemma"

"Coco.. Coco say no.. no bye bye.. no more. 'Member?" She asked and I immediately smiled at her words, loving that she was starting to say longer sentences and pronounce words correctly, even if she stuttered.

My baby was growing up.

Then her words hit.

No more bye bye.

"Mommy?"

"Hm?"

"Coco.. go.... bye bye wif, wif Sam?" She asked, and I felt her head move off my chest, her faint breath hitting my cheek.

"No baby"

"Oh.. Where... where go?" She curiously asked, the innocent question doing more damage to my fragile heart than intended.

"I don't know baby"

"But.. Coco.. Coc say no.. no bye bye no.. no more! Coco tell.. tell.. Gem Gem.. Coco stay" She said, her frustration becoming clear, catching my attention.

"Sometimes Coco has to go bye bye Gemma"

"But no Sam" I felt her head brush against my chest, telling me she had shaken her head in disagreement.

"No Sam" I agreed, cranking my next to try and look at her, the pitch black room offering no mercy.

"Why... why go.. go bye bye.. wif no Gem..." her voice trailed off and her tiny sniffled was all I needed to quickly understand that this was affecting her more than I thought.

It never dawned on me that Colby and I fighting could affect her.

She's no longer a wiggly little baby, but a talkative toddler.

I moved to lay on my back, pulling Gemma onto my chest, my lips placing a kiss against wherever I could reach first.

"I'm sorry baby. Coco.." breathe. "Coco and mommy.. well.." How do you explain this to a toddler? "Coco's mad at mommy"

"Why?"

"Mommy and Coco.. are struggling to share" I settled on, my brain quickly shuffling through its files of how to possibly make this comprehendible to a toddler.

"No nice!" Her head shook, a pained breathy laugh making my chest shake.

"It's not nice" I agreed.

"Wogan say.. say.. we sh.... sh..sh-air! Air an.. an.. pway nice wif.. wif.. ahvers! No ake.. no ake sad. No.. no timeout!"

"Logan's right. We share and play so nice with everyone. No one wants to be sad, right Gemma?" I asked, Gemma nodding, shifting against my chest before nuzzling into my neck.

"Momma...? Momma.. sad?"

"I'm okay baby"

"Cweye doe?"

"Sometimes"

"Why?"

Why. A single word that held mountains worth of weight.

Why did I cry?

Sadness? Frustration? Anger? Love?

"Mommy cries.. because... sometimes mommy has bad days"

"Papa say" She started then giggled which caught my attention, "Papa say.. say.. when gwumpy.." she giggles again, "ake.. ake... ake nap!" She snickers, my heart filling with happiness at her little noises, "Akes no gwumy no ore!" She giggles.

"Yeah? Does naptime fix Gemma's mood?" I playfully asked, the side of my head against the top of hers.

I felt her shrug against me, tugging at the blanket that had fallen.

"Papa say so! I dunno!"

"Well whatever Papa says must be right, huh?" I joked, knowing damn well this girl wakes up either as a run of sunshine, a mini monster.

"Yesss! Papa say he's always wight!"

"Alright lovebug. We need to start calming down and go night night so we're not grumpy for Nonna and Papa tomorrow, okay?" I spoke softly, yet with some authority, sensing that Gemma was going to get a burst of energy if we didn't slow her roll.

That morning Gemma and I got up as the ass-crack of dawn, Gemma full of wiggles as she jumped on me, ignoring my groans of protest until my heart dropped.

"Gemma! No!" I quickly yelled, Gemma freezing as I shoved her off of me, her body bouncing against the mattress, my hands tugging my shirt up and running over my belly, fear cursing through my veins, not sure what I was looking for, but afraid to find anything out of the ordinary.

Silence filled the room, my eyes looking over towards my daughter who I shoved aside, tugging my shirt back down.

Her eyes were full of tears before she began to scurry off the bed, her hand reaching above her head to open the door; struggling until it swung open and she raced up the basement steps.

Godamnit!

I flopped back against my bed, my hands covering my face as I laid there in defeat before crawling out of the bed to the dresser, taking my prenatals.

I trudged up the steps, my dad and Gemma coming into view as she snuggled into his chest, her face wet with tears.

Deciding to leave them alone, I poured a bowl of cereal for Gemma and I, grabbing her special spoon that Landon had gotten her a year back, setting her bowl on the table.

"Gemma, breakfast!" I called out, hovering over the counter to spoon cereal into my mouth.

Halfway through my bowl, Gemma still hadn't shown.

Rolling my eyes I walked back to the living room, Gemma watching cartoons.

"Gemma, breakfast" I stated, leaning against the wall. "Gemma. Breakfast. Come on, it's going to get soggy" I tried again, still being ignored. "Gemma Lorraine Fox" my voice raised, Gemma's head turning to look at me, her face all scrunched up. "Go eat your breakfast!" I pointed to the kitchen.

"No ungry!"

I huffed, rolling my eyes and going back into the kitchen, pouring some of her cereal into my bowl, setting the half full bowl of cereal into the sink.

The rest of the morning she ignored me, not caring if I asked nicely or warned her with a time out for not listening, Gemma crying the entire time she sat in the corner, yelling at me as I past her, only adding to her punishment, which ended in even more tears.

"You're being quite harsh on my granddaughter ya know" Dad commented, walking over to the art desk where I had been sketching, missing the feeling of a charcoal pencil between my fingers.

"Yeah? Well your granddaughters being a brat" I grumbled, earning a look of disapproval.

"What's going on Leighton?"

"Nothing"

"Leighton"

"What?"

"You know, before you got caught up in doing things you shouldn't, you liked hanging out with your dear old dad. Painting with me, learning how to fix things.. you definitely liked borrowing the twenties from my wallet that never got replenished" He teased, a small smile cracking on my lips, my eyes trained on the beautiful sketching paper in front of me. "Come on Leigh. What's going on? Your smile that matches your mothers isn't smiling as bright anymore. I'm already losing one of my girls, don't let me lose another. Talk to me sweetheart"

My face fell as my eyes closed, my lips rolling in as I inhaled, my eyes opening as I turned to look at him. "Colby left" I confessed quietly, turning back to my paper, the pad of my finger smudging out one of my darker lines.

"Left?" He asked and I nodded, my dad sighing, grabbing his stool and pulling it up next to me, fishing out another sketch pad and some colored pencils.

"That daughter of yours got me into these" He noted, letting the colorful pencils spill onto the desk. "She told me I made too much old stuff" he chuckled, my lips tugging at my daughter's view on black and white. "You know.. when you were a little girl" He began, my eyes catching his hand moving effortlessly against the paper, never making a wrong move, "You used to tell me how much you couldn't wait to have a family. Be married, have kids.. then you grew up" He stated, never looking over at me as he grabbed another pencil. "You always looked forward to the future. To be older than you were. I remember when things started to change, and I thought that that was you growing up. That this is what the books and movies were talking about. Daddy's little girl growing up. I never.. I never thought my little girl would turn to such dark corners. Use such substances.. go down that dark path; especially when her life was full of color" He continued, my eyes stinging at his words. "And then you grew up. You weren't my baby, you weren't my troubled teen.. you were a 22 year old woman who birthed a beautiful baby girl, met incredible friends and slowly figured out her life. You found color honey, and I think... I think we all struggle to see color. It's easier to focus on the dark line work, then the stunning pastels. I used to get frustrated when someone would comment on how neat my linework was, instead of the color palette I had chosen. I'd spend hours figuring out the color scheme; afraid of messing up my work... only for them to comment on the linework, or shadowing. It took me years to understand that those dark or harsh lines are what made the work. Not the pastels I threw down to appease the eye. I raised you to be pastels Leighton.. but you grew up finding your linework and shadows, and that's what makes you beautiful honey. Colby leaving you isn't ideal.. I guess.. but.. sometimes one extra detail in your linework is what pulls the entire thing together"

Silence fell between us, my body leaning over to wrap my arms around his neck, my dad freezing his movement.

"I love you" my voice muffled against the sleeve of his shirt, my dad turning to pull me into a full hug.

"I love you too sweetheart. It's going to be okay" he reassured and that's when I broke down, my body shaking against his as I cried, my dad's arms hugging me closer as he tried to calm me down.

"I'm back where I was five years ago" I cried, my nails began to dig into my arm as I tried to relieve the antsy pressure in my shaking arms.

"You're nowhere near where you were five years ago, Leighton. You've grown so much" Dad reassured me, pulling away to see my face, my arms loosening around him.

"I'm not though!" I whined, wiping more tears off my dumb face.

I was so fucking tired of crying!

How fucking pathetic do you have to be to cry over every single little thing?!

"Dad... I don't.. I don't know what to do! I'm back in the same shitty place I was five years ago! Pregnant, scared and alone except now I have a toddler!" I began to spit out through my whines and cries, not letting my dad get a word in edgewise.

"Wait- hold on" He interrupted, but I kept going.

"And where am I supposed to live?! Colby pays rent! I can't just live in the apartment anymore!-"

My dad raised his voice, "Leighton Rae Fox!" making my words halt, "You're pregnant?" He asked, his voice full of authority.

I could feel myself shrivel, feeling like a child under a parental gaze, having been caught in a lie.

I nodded slowly, backing away a little, unsure of what was to happen next.

Would he be mad? Disappointed? Kick me out? Disown me? Was I homeless again?

I froze when his hand reached out for me, flight or fight kicking in, horrific memories of being kicked out coming to the forefront of my head, until he carefully pulled me into his chest.

"You're having another one of my grandbabies?" He asked, his voice sounding emotional as he hugged me.

I nodded, unsure what to say, not wanting to make it worse, or accidently ruin his current flow of emotion.

Why was he hugging me?

Did he hear me? I'm back to where I was when I was 21.

Colby left me.

I was pregnant. Again.

I have a toddler.

"Dad?" My voice shook, my entire body feeling frozen, ready for anything that might come my way.

"I can't believe you're having another one of my grandbabies! I'm going to have three grandbabies! When are you due?!" he asked, his voice in disbelief as he pulled away, his eyes trained on my stomach, insecurity crawling up the back of my spine, resisting the urge to turn, or cover my stomach.

"I'm due towards the end of May. Got 'bout five months" I informed him, my dad nodding.

"Do you have a bump? You were quite small with Gemma, weren't you?" He asked, intrigued as he looked back at my eyes.

"I uh.. I mean.. yeah? I um.. well.. I.." I sighed, lifting my shirt to show him. "I uh.. am.. pudgy? Sorry..."

"You do have a little bump!" he cooed, "Can I touch? Your mom used to get so mad when I would caress her stomach, but how could I not?! You kids were kickers and I always missed it!"

"Mom would get mad?" I questioned, before realizing I didn't answer him, "Yeah you can touch"

His hand came out to caress my stomach, his eyes twinkling as his face filled with awe. "Yeah.. your mom was always tender with you guys. She didn't mind my hand on her stomach like this.. but like hugs? No go. I guess you guys wouldn't leave her ribs alone, so her sides were always sore or something? — Wow Leighton. I can't believe you're pregnant"

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad sweetheart?"

"Because... Colby left? I'm alone.. again? I'm not married.." I began to list, my dad letting out a sigh of dread, standing upright again, letting my shirt fall back down to cover my stomach.

"Is it ideal? No.. but honey, you've done it before, and you're not alone. You have family here who will help. I don't know what's going on inside that man's head leaving you alone like this.. and to be quite frank, I don't want to know. All I know is my beautiful daughter is giving me even more beautiful grandbabies to love on. You're still clean right?" he asked, my jaw dropping.

"Dad! What?! Yes I'm clean!"

"Just checking" He hummed, ignoring my offended stare, "Does he plan to be in the baby's life?"

"What?"

"Does Colby plan to stick around?"

"Well.. I don't know. I don't even know if we're broken up. We've just uh.. had issues and he left" I explained, feeling awkward about dishing out my relationship problems to my dad.

"Talk to him, Leighton. Figure this stuff out. I'll always be here if you need me, but you're a big girl now. You can do it"

~

"Are you going to talk to mommy now?" I asked, Gemma walking into my parents bedroom where I had been hiding for the past two hours.

"Hungry" She stated, my eyebrow cocking.

"Get a snack"

"Elp peas"

"Go ask Papa"

"Papa say ask momma"

I groaned, pushing myself out of bed and leading her back downstairs, grabbing her a plastic bowl, pouring some goldfish in and going to send her on her way, confused when she continued to stand in front of me, munching on her goldfish.

"Can I help you? I thought you were watching cartoons before Harper got here?"

"Coco say hi to Gem Gem?" She asked, full of innocence.

"I'll look and let you know, okay?" I lied, "Go finish your cartoons before Harper gets here" I ushered her away, Gemma staying in place.

"I see?" She asked, her tone sickly sweet.

"See what?"

"Coco say hi" Gemma stated, acting like it was the most obvious answer.

"Baby.." I frowned, not wanting to let her down, but also not wanting her perfect idea of Colby to crumble.

"Talk Coco!" She whined, becoming impatient.

"Gemma, later-" I tried, already knowing she wouldn't have it.

We've fought one too many times during bedtime whilst Colby's been on work trips for me to act like my daughter would just let this go.

"No! Talk Coco momma! Say hi!"

Groaning, I pulled out my phone and found his contact, passing it to her, feeling guilty that I knew he wouldn't answer.

I listened to it ring, Gemma still eating her snack as we waited, the voicemail operator being heard before the beep.

"Why Coco no say hi Gem Gem?" She asked, turning to look ip at me, "I be bad?"

My eyes widened as I quickly hit end on the voicemail.

"You weren't bad Gemma" I quickly reassured, hating that I had no idea where he was to even begin to fulfill her request.

"Why no say hi momma?"

"I don't know Gemma"

"Coco wove me, Coco say hi" She spoke in an assured tone, reaching for my phone again. "Hi gin?" She asked and I mentally sighed, wanting to protect her little heart, even if that meant she was mad at me.

"No Gemma"

"Say hi Coco!" She tried again, ignoring me as she made grabby hands towards my phone, bouncing on her toes.

"Gemma, no" I tried again, my voice more stern, Gemma reading right through its wobble of uncertainty.

"MOMMY!" She whined,"call Coco!"

"No Gemma. Colby's busy"

"No busy for Gem" She shook her head, my eyes rolling.

"Gemma, he left. He doesn't want to say hi to us" I snapped, my frustration taking over from her relentless behavior.

Her face scrunched with anger, "Coco say hi momma!"

"Gemma-"

"No! Mean Momma!"

Inhale. Exhale.

"Gemma. Please"

"Coco say hi Gem Gem when goes bye bye mommy!" She spoke with determination.

Times like this made me hate that she was growing up.

She understood enough to know the routine, but not enough to understand change, and it was starting to kill me.

How could he leave us? Leave my baby girl with no way to communicate when he knows she talks to him at least once a day!

How bad had things been fucked up for him to just turn his back on us? On her?

I felt defeated, running out of any way to deter her without shattering her view of him, "I know Gemma"

"Say hi, mommy!"

"Gemma, we can't" I continued, my toddlers eyes filling with tears.

"Whyy!" She whined, stamping her feet in front of me.

"He's busy, lovebug. We'll try later, okay?" I reassured her, Gemma frowning as she sniffled.

We will call, and call and call if that means I can keep Gemma hopeful.

If Colby wanted to ruin his relationship with my daughter, that was his call to make. I refuse to let my actions change her view of him.

Why should I be the villain in her story too, when he's the one who left?

Later that evening we tried again, and again, and again, no reply.

I could see Gemma was extremely disappointed but I quickly got her attention, asking her if she wanted some cookies and to play outside with Harper.

Cynthia and I sat on the back patio watching our girls play as I mindlessly scrolled through Colby and I's texts.

I felt pathetic.

"Isn't your thumb tired?" Cynthia remarked, her eyes locked on me as I continued the motion, stopping when I got to texts that were happy and full of love.

I clicked the three dots, wanting to know the last time it was like this, instantly wishing I hadn't.

"Leighton?" Cynthia called, waving her hand in front of my face.

"Hm?"

"What's wrong?"

"I— Can I ask you something?"

"Of course" she nodded, my lips twitching to the side before rolling inwards, switching off my phone.

"If I'm crossing a line, just say so and I'll immediately apologize, but.. have you and Logan.. ever.." I chewed on my lower lip, clicking my phone back on, Colby and Gemma cuddling in our bed staring back at me.

"Ever…?"

"Have you guys ever.." I tried again, the words getting caught in my throat.

"Ever what? Spit it out Leighton"

"Did you ever feel like it wasn't him? That you'd made a mistake?" I spat out, carefully looking at her, ready to apologize for asking such a personal question.

"What do you mean? What's going on Leighton?"

"Have you ever felt like Logan wasn't who you were supposed to marry?" I tried again, Cynthia appearing confused.

"What, like fighting or?"

"No.."

"Leighton what's going on?"

I sighed, setting my phone on the glass table in front of me, leaning on my elbow as I faced her.

"Colby left me.. and I.. I can't help but wonder if it's for the better" I confessed, relying on the fact that she's never judged me before.

"He left? Like.. packed his shit and didn't look back?" She asked and I nodded slowly, Cynthia's face falling.

"Oh Leighton.."

"He.." I started, letting out a breath of air I didn't even know I was holding. "He packed a suitcase. We argued, he packed, we yelled, he left. I just.. I can't get his last words out of my fucking head! And Aaliyah.. Aaliyah basically told me it was my fault, which is what Colby basically said and I just…. Have you ever thought that maybe it wasn't worth the fight? That maybe when he storms down the hall… that it's better to walk in different directions?" I asked, ready to cling onto every word she'd say next.

"Leighton, walking down the hall… and walking out the door are two very different things" She said, my entire world crashing at my feet. "Logan's never left, if that's your question. Yes we've separated to cool off but the only time he's packed his shit and walked out the door was for bootcamp"

"Would you follow him, if he had?" I asked the question bouncing around in my head for hours.

Should I have followed him? Begged him not to go?

"I would. I love him" She stated, not missing a beat, completely unaware that her response would only scatter the pieces of my previously shattered heart.

Do you chase the person you love, or do you let them go and set them free?

How much chasing is too much?

How much fighting is too much?

Silence really could be deadly..

"Leighton?"

"What?" I snapped, my sinuses burning.

"Do you love him?"

"Who? Colby?"

"Yes you dumbass" she laughed, ignoring whatever façade my face decided to show.

I pursed my lips, looking out towards Gemma and Harper who were playing in a sandpit my dad had gotten them, turning back towards Cynthia I softly replied, "I thought I did"

I looked back down at my hands, distracting myself from Cynthia’s sympathetic gaze, a few moments of silence passing by until I turned my head to look back at her, Cynthia watching the kids.

“Is it selfish to want him back, when he’s been unhappy?” I softly asked, my entire body feeling like someone placed a weighted blanket on my chest.

“Not if you loved him” She hummed, allowing herself to look back at me.

“And if he doesn’t love me?”

“Leighton, do you truly believe that boy doesn’t love you?”

I slowly shook my head, looking away.

I refuse to cry.

He didn’t deserve my tears anymore. I needed to grow up and get over myself before I ruined everything in reach.

“I don’t even know where to begin to get him back. I feel like I’ve been left to drown” I confessed,huffing as I leaned back against the patio chair, the evening sun blinding me. “I’ve never been good at showing how I feel.. And I think he’s.. He’s just tired of hearing it”

“What do you want, Leighton?”

Without missing a beat I replied, “For him to be happy” hearing Cynthia huff out of annoyance.

“I asked what do you want. Not what you want for him”

“I don’t know. I guess.. I just..” I paused, taking a deep breath.

What did I want?

Maybe I deserve to be left to drown.

I have nothing to work for, to achieve, to dream of..

“Leighton, would you be okay if you lost him? If he dated other people?” She asked, switching her position in the chair to lean closer to me.

“If it makes him happy.. I’d be okay” I said softly, the sounds of our little girls squealing as they played with Nova getting my attention.

I watched Gemma’s grin as Nova licked her, her little hand petting the dog.

I knew Gemma would love to have a dog, and that it wasn’t just some toddler dream of hers; I wish I could afford it.

Money has become an issue again, and I hated that.

I tried to work so hard to at least have a little cushion in our life, but yet again, here I was praying that I had enough to cover the bills.

I knew if things kept going the way they were, I’d need to pick up a second job and simply say goodbye to Colby, and pray to god Gemma didn’t notice my absence, but then again.. Maybe it would benefit her in the long run.

I felt a hand touch my leg, my body jumping as my eyes darted to Cynthia, “Leighton? Were you listening?”

“No, sorry. What?”

“What’s got you so lost in your thoughts?” She asked and I chuckled, shaking my head out of disbelief.

Did she miss the part where my fiance left?

“Just life being as shitty as always. Thanks for the uh.. chat, Cynthia. I need to start heading back home” I stated, getting up, ready to call Gemma when Cynthia’s hand caught my wrist.

“Leighton, there is no rulebook for love and happiness. If you think he’s the one, fight for him. Show him. Don’t live with the regret of what could have happened. Sometimes people need a little extra love” She winked at me and I nodded slowly, passing her a soft smile.

“Thanks, I love you” I murmured, leaning down to hug her.

“I love you too. Now go win lover boy back. The entire family is hooked and simply, I don’t feel like meeting a new boyfriend of yours. No one will compare” She grinned, unknowingly planting an annoying seed in my little head, forming a pit at the bottom of my stomach.

No one will compare.

I needed to get him back, but how?

I don’t know how to be romantic, or do the perfect big gesture. I don’t know how to be the perfect girlfriend, or give him the painted picture in his head.

I knew I didn’t deserve him, and that someone else out there could do everything he wanted and then some, but selfishly I wanted him for myself.

I got to him first. I’m having his baby, the least I can do is give him a house…

But how?

I don’t even know where he is right now, so how am I to be expected to fix something when I can’t even find him?

The drive back to the apartment was dreadful, Gemma slumped over my shoulder as she slept, my hand struggling to twist the key and shove the door open.

I inhaled the second the door opened, his smell overwhelming my senses.

Kicking off my shoes, I carefully carried Gemma to her room, panting as I struggled to pull back the covers without waking her.

I stared at her peaceful sleeping body all cozied up in her blankets.

How could he leave her?

I turned on her nightlight, leaving the bedroom door open as I left.

I sat down on the couch, debating if I wanted to burn a candle or not; do I want to rid his smell of our home?

I tugged out my phone, clicking on messages.

Maybe Sam knows where Colby is?

I started typing out a quick message before groaning and deleting it.

Why am I messaging Sam? Why am I bothering to bug someone who hasn’t messaged me?

I stared at his contact, my finger hovering over it a few times.

Why hasn’t he checked in on me?

Maybe that was selfish..

Sighing, I left my messages and went to Google, unknowingly typing in Instagram.

Was I really about to stalk his friends and find out?

Was I stooping that low?

How else was I going to find out?

I typed in Sam, cursing to him as his Instagram Story was empty, going to Katrina next.

Also empty, yet a recent post caught my eye.

Las Vegas, Nevada

katrinastuartoffical: Back to being one of the boys 🤪

1 day ago

Vegas.

Of course.

I closed out of the web browser, my body slumping back against the couch.

How was I supposed to win him back, if he's in Vegas and I'm broke?

My eyes closed, exhaustion starting to take its toll on my body.

How do you make someone happy in a place they didn't want to come home to?

* * * * 

Next chapter is a doozy send help

Written on: March 14th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th 2023

Published on: March 19th 2023

Word Count: 8660

Part Ten

[britswriting]

Devotion (8)

Song: Half hearted - We Three 

Warning: This chapter gets dark. TW: Mental health, talk of depression, suicidal thoughts, drinking and driving

Series Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Colby's POV*

I stared at the pink and purple sunset, my ass hurting from how long I had been sitting on the rough rocky terrain.

I knew I needed to go home. The woman I loved was waiting for me there, but I couldn't bring myself to get up.

My phone kept ringing and ringing until I eventually switched it off, the noise disrupting the numb feeling inside my head.

When it began to get dark, I made my way back to the car, my fingers turning the key to start the ignition, my hands on the wheel, ready to leave; yet I had gone nowhere.

I knew what was waiting for me at home.

A warm bed and shower, warm dinner, Gemma's cuddles; but I also knew Leighton's ridiculing would be there as well.

Not answering her calls, not texting her back, not coming home right away.

A ticking time bomb was ready to explode the second I opened that front door, and before I knew it, I turned off the ignition.

My head fell back against the headrest, my eyes falling shut as I took a deep breath, my fingers tapping against the steering wheel.

I needed to go home.

I turned the ignition back on, putting my car into drive, allowing myself to get further and further from my sacred heaven, the sunset turning pitch black, the bright moon being my own source of light as I followed the sketchy back roads back to the main LA roads, the only sound being the vibration of my tires on the pavement as I got lost in my endless thoughts.

Would she be mad? Would she yell, cry, slam the door? Did she even want me to come home?

I knew the look in her eye as I followed Sam down to the elevator.

She didn't understand me, but who could when I didn't understand myself either?

You wake up every single day, take a pill, and you're told you'll be okay. That it will all be okay, when I've been okay.

I was okay the first 20 years of my life, and now all of a sudden I need to take a pill every single day for the rest of my life? It felt wrong. Torturous even.

The first day of missing the pill, I had completely spaced it.

I woke up that morning rushing to get breakfast done and Gemma into the car to her tumbling class, running late as we picked up Noel; coming home and heading out the door with Sam to a business meeting that by the time I had remembered I had skipped, it was dinner time and Leighton was ranting to me about how she took her prenatal and threw it all up at work.

I felt guilty.

Like I had wronged her. Let her down. Let myself down... until I felt fine.

Nothing had changed. I still felt the same, but I knew there was the risk. The warning they give you of missing a dose. You always feel fine, until the side effects kick in and your body begins to detox the chemical changing drug, making you feel like shit.

So that next morning, I woke up, I stared at the bottle, ready to take my med when Sam walked into my room, my hands quickly fumbling to hide what I was doing, getting swept away in yet another distraction.

Day by day it flew by, until the fourth day when I realized I had gone four days without, and I felt okay.

I wasn't vomiting, no headaches, nothing.

The side effects were a lie, so what was the point? I felt fine, my body felt fine and I was having one of the best days with my best friend.

Everything was turning around; until I came home.

Every time I walked through that door, the high came crashing down.

Home.

I was home, but it felt anything like home.

Every evening I was met with Leighton's exhausted, stressed out face as she began telling me about the shit that had gone wrong that day, the icing on the top recently being how nauseous she's been this pregnancy; and how she's convinced the aches are already starting.

It was our new routine.

I'd come home, She'd come home with Gemma, make dinner and get lost in household chores and getting Gemma to bed at a reasonable time and by the time she can even look my way and actually acknowledge me, her head was hitting the pillow.

Again, and again, and again.

It was a vicious cycle of never ending dread.

The red stop light shined bright on my face, the pit growing in my stomach as I continued the same route home.

When it turned green, I could feel myself falling into the same pattern yet again, my hands gripping the steering wheel as I passed familiar landmarks, until I turned my blinker on and allowed myself to go down a new path.

The breath of fresh air knocked me in my lungs as different houses and landscaping passed by, bright house lights lighting up the street.

I needed to go home.

I needed to see my fiancé, and our daughter. I needed to hold them in my arms and tell them just how much I love them.

Every muscle in my body wanted to turn right. To be back on that road; and yet I took another left.

I found myself driving down another familiar road, a road I missed all too well.

The tan house with crown molding; a metal gate locking unwanted people out passed on my left, memories flooding my head as I slowed down the car.

"Colby, come on! She's going to be here any minute!" I heard Sam yell from downstairs, as I saved the video I was editing, slipping on some jeans as I made my way to the foyer, the floors sparkling from the sunlight shining in.

I watched Sam glance over my outfit as he waited, and I couldn't help but cock an eyebrow at him. "Sam approved?" I asked.

"I'm honestly just glad you found pants"

That front door had me in a chokehold of memories.

The first day I walked through it all until the last.

I could almost feel the anxiety cursing through my veins from the day I moved in with Sam, as I sat here in my car.

The anticipation of living somewhere new, with new people.

I was terrified, but we were doing it together, so I knew I'd be okay.

My eyes closed, remembering the sound of the doorbell going off like it was yesterday.

"What are you waiting for? Answer it" I chuckled.

"I'm waiting a minute, acting like I had to get up to answer it, I don't want to look desperate"

Chuckling, I opened my eyes and glanced back at that door.

What was going through her head?

I knew she had to have been nervous; but was she as anxious as I was?

I remember how timid, and shy she appeared when we opened the door, the way she followed Sam around the house like a lost puppy.

It was a façade, and I knew it from the second she decided to go back inside instead of hanging out at the pool, almost like she wanted to make my life harder.

"If you do smoke, we prefer you to do it outside. We don't care about drinking" Sam winked, glancing over at me.

"I don't do either of those things, so you don't have to worry about that. Do you guys smoke and drink?"

Her delicate words burned in my brain.

I don't do either of those things.

I remember how odd I found her asking if we smoked and drank.

Hell, we were in our early twenties in LA, who didn't?

I never crossed my mind that she could've been a recovering addict, and that asking if we did those things could've affected her recovery.

I felt so stupid. Like I missed everything.

I was stuck in such a state of I Don't Give a Fuck, that I didn't even bother to try and get to know her. To see if she was truly a good fit for our household.

I shook my head, putting the car back into drive to not raise suspicion of the possible new owners, yet the thoughts followed.

I found myself passing the familiar bowling alley we've spent one too many nights at; my foot only hitting the gas harder.

I couldn't do this right now.

My eyes followed the streets, wishing I could go to someone, talk to someone, but no one felt right.

The only person I wanted to talk to was landing in Vegas without me, and even Sam couldn't help me.

I knew what he'd say.

He loves Leighton too much to understand.

I pulled into the liquor store, buying a bottle of Whiskey.

I stared at the bottle in my hands after closing the car door, it's been a while.

My feet dragged through the sand as I listened to the soft crash of small beach waves.

Five years ago my feet dragged through this same sand, nerves causing my heart to race, questioning if I was overstepping.

"So I uh.. I didn't exactly have a lot of time to prepare.. but I uh.. had this made" I nervously handed her the cupcake, praying to god the baker knew what the Sobriety symbol was and that I wasn't about to make a fool out of myself.

"Oh my god" She whispered. "Colby... you didn't have to do this"

I watched her eyes fill with tears as they wandered over the cupcake, a breath of relief filling my lungs.

"You deserve to be celebrated, Leighton. Even if it's something small... it's still a big accomplishment"

I stared at the bottle of whiskey, guilt cursing through my brains.

I can't drink this where we celebrated her first year sober.

"It was short notice... but I was able to get this made... I hope you like it" I anxiously informed, fishing the jewelry box out of my pocket.

"You're not proposing right?" She joked, easing my nerves as I shook my hand, placing the box against her open palm.

A small dainty necklace laid upon her, the sobriety symbol covered in beautiful small diamonds pulling that beautiful twinkle back in her eye, right where it belongs.

"Turn it over" I nervously said, hoping she liked the tiny touch of detail I added to the back.

Progression, not perfection.

I let out a shaky breath as those words echoed in my head.

I remember having them engraved, hoping they'd be a good reminder to her, not realizing how much they'd affect us even today.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked, watching her jump as she turned around, her face filling with confusion.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, her eyes glancing around the other NA attendees.

"Aaliyah told me you'd be here. She wanted to come, but she got held up at work, and River needed her after.. so here I am"

The twinkle in her eye when I mentioned filling in for her best friend was that same twinkle I see anytime she's truly touched; happy.

It's the twinkle in her eye that makes my heart beat for her; that twinkle that reminds me how special life truly is.

Where was it now?

My back fell onto the grains of sand, feeling it move under my body weight as I stared at the moon.

How did I go from hating a girl, to wanting to protect her, to loving her, to not wanting to go home so quickly?

Tiredness quickly took over my body as my thoughts ran ramped in my head, the bright morning sun wakening me, followed by the god awful sound of seagulls

Switching on my phone, I saw the red bar and filled voicemail, my back aching as I pushed myself up off the beach, grabbing my bottle of whiskey and making it back to my car.

I could already feel the dread coming back at the thought of listening to the countless voicemails, let alone unread texts.

I was fucked.

I found myself trudging back up the same trail, whiskey bottle in hand.

I sat back down against the rough terrain, twisting open the alcohol and taking a swig, thankful that no one ever really seemed to come up this trail.

With every swig of alcohol different memories flashed into my head, our first kiss, Gemma's first cry, learning about her addiction, learning that I loved her.

I felt like I was watching my entire past and future play through my head. The laughs, the tears, the fights.

It was all there.

I was riddled with guilt when I realized I was drinking at 1pm over a life that made me the happiest version of myself; yet it was clouded with gray.

I grabbed my phone, opening my call log; praying for the best since I had 6% left.

I listened to it ring, my eyes locked on the whiskey bottle; drowning in shame.

"COLBY!?!" Was all I heard, followed by a shriek. "Oh my god! Are you okay?! Where are you?!" Sam rapidly fired.

"I'm.. fine" I said slowly, squinting from the sun.

"Where are you?!"

"Listen, I uh.."

"Colby-"

"Can I stay with you guys for a while?" I asked, the line going silent for a second.

"What? Where are you? What happened?"

"I just.. I think.. I think I need a break" I breathed out, my finger running around the rim of the whiskey bottle.

"I mean, shit- Yeah. Of course you can. What happened? Leighton's been trying to get a hold of you for hours! Have you talked to her?" He asked, the idea of worrying her saddened me, but I couldn't focus on it.

Anytime I thought about her crying, or yelling at me made me want to stay here longer.

"Nothing's happened" I muttered, gnawing on my lower lip.

"What?"

"Look, my phones almost dead-

"Colby don't you dare fucking move! Are you okay? What's going on?!" Sam demanded.

"I'm fine"

"No you're not. Talk to me. You know you can talk to me. What's going on? I left you just yesterday!"

"Nothing's going on"

"Fucking bullshit. Does Leighton know where you are?" He asked and groaned, my hand running over the side of my face.

"No"

"Colby what the fuck! You've got her worried sick!"

"I'm sorry"

"You can't make a pregnant woman worried sick! Remember with Gemma? And how Leighton got preeclampsia and shit!"

There it was.

"I get it!" I snapped, resisting the urge to hang up.

"If you got it, you wouldn't have fucking ran away like a teenager! She needs you!"

"What about me Sam?! What if I fucking need her?! Where is she then huh?!" I hissed before hanging up, throwing my phone off the edge of the cliff, my hands shaking with anger and sadness.

What if I needed her this time?

*Leighton's POV*

I entered the police station, dried tear stains causing my face to itch as I took in a rough exhale, struggling to breathe from my recent sob session, along with the anger I felt.

"How may I help you?" A woman asked, glancing up at me from her computer.

"I'm here for Cole Brock"

She nodded, her fingers typing against the keyboard.

"Bail's been posted for 20 grand" She stated and my jaw literally dropped to the fucking floor.

"Twenty grand?" I stuttered, the woman nodding. "Why?!"

"DUI with past felonies"

"DUI!?!" I exclaimed, the woman nodding.

My fingers squeezed the bridge of my nose as I took in a shaky breath, my blood running cold.

My lower lip quivered as I tried to pull my shit together for the umpteenth time today. "And if I can't pay bail?" I asked, my eyes beginning to gloss over, looking at the woman's lifeless stare.

"He stays in jail till his arraignment which could be two to four days" She stated and I felt the tear roll down my face.

Two to four days?!

My arms crossed and I nodded.

"Thank you" I murmured, the woman giving me a curt nod.

Where the fuck am I going to get twenty grand?! I can't just leave him in jail!

I sat on the curb outside the police station, tears streaming down my face as I heard the 911 operator inform me that Colby was currently being held in jail.

I wiped at my face as I got up, sitting here not getting us anywhere.

Taking a few moments to calm down, I drove back to my apartment, having no idea what I was going to tell Aaliyah.

Walking through the front door alone felt like a slap in the face.

"Where's Colby?" She immediately asked as I chucked my shoes off my feet, letting my bag drop to the ground. "Leighton?"

Ignoring her, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a wine glass, a half drank bottle of sparkling cider and walked to my bedroom.

"Leighton?!"

I carefully shut the door, Gemma fast asleep.

My fingers twisted the lock as I sat on the floor, the soft but assertive knock on my door being heard as I opened the bottle, letting the fizzy juice spill into the curved glass.

"Leighton?! Leigh let me in! If you're drinking, you're not drinking alone!" She demanded and I sniffled, pushing myself up off the ground to unlock the door; my eyes met with Aaliyah holding her own glass and wine bottle. "Talk to me" She pleaded, following me back to where I was sat.

I let the juice burn down my throat, Aaliyah pouring her own wine.

"What did he do?"

"I need twenty grand"

"WHAT?!" She shrieked, almost spilling her wine causing me to gasp and save my apartment deposit, quickly catching her tipping hand. "Why?! What happened?!"

"He's in jail" I muttered, gulping the end of my drink, wishing so desperately I wasn't an addict, or pregnant.

"HE'S IN JAIL?!" She yelled, ignoring me as I shushed her, reminding her my daughter was sleeping. "What did that fucker do?!"

"DUI"

"DUI?!"

"I don't know what to do. I need to get him out of there, but I don't have fucking twenty grand Aaliyah! I don't! I.. I.. I mean.." I froze, trying to remember what was on my bank statements as my heart began to race. "I can't do shit! I.. Aaliyah I can't! I can't pay it! And even if I could; everything is closed! Plus.. you can only pay bail between certain hours-"

"Yeah, I know. It was a bitch when you got arrested" She grumbled.

"But I.. this isn't the first time Aaliyah!" I spilled, my head dropping as I squeezed my eyes shut, horrific flashbacks playing through my head from when Colby broke his leg.

"Leighton!" She gasped, my body trembling as I held back my emotions.

"Part of me.. part of me just wants to leave him there" I quietly confessed, my heart shattering as I spoke out my regretful thoughts.

"Leigh.."

"It's shitty, I know"

"Leighton; he's a good person. You know that"

I nodded, sniffling as more tears collected, my knuckle getting wet as I tried to rub them away.

"I.. I love him so.. so fucking much" I whimpered, "But it.. it doesn't feel enough anymore"

"You don't know that Leighton" She tried to reassure me, but it went in one ear and out the other.

"I want him to be safe, and happy. I want him to be okay. I'm so... I'm so fucking tired" I began to whine, more tears threatening to spill down my face. "I'm so fucking tired of playing this game. Of fighting. For me, for him, for us. He's in fucking jail for god sakes! JAIL! I never wanted to step back in one of those places ever again, and yet here I fucking am for him, ready to bail his ass out; and it's twenty grand! TWENTY FUCKING GRAND!" I cried, my entire body shaking as her arms wrapped around me, pulling me into her chest.

I cried against her chest, hating how fucking pathetic I felt.

I listened to her try to reassure me, telling me we'd figure this out, but I was stuck on where I was supposed to get twenty grand from.

Aaliyah helped me into bed, trying to bring me comfort; when she only brought me pain.

She flipped off the light and shut the door, leaving me to lye in the pitch black, Colby's side of the bed being stiff and cold.

I was alone.

My mind drifted to Colby in a cell, laying on the horrible stuff boards they called mattresses, wondering what he was thinking about.

Did he miss me? Was he hungover? Did he regret it?

Running on no sleep, I called in sick to work and got Gemma ready for the day to hang out with Cynthia and Harper, Aaliyah telling me over and over again that she can stay and help; but I knew her job interview was important.

"I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. Go kick ass, okay?" I tried to sound as confident as possible as I waved goodbye, Gemma babbling my ear off about what Cynthia promised they'd do today.

It never stopped.

No matter if you were pregnant, in jail, or simply fucking tired; the world kept turning.

Cynthia wished me a good day at work and I quietly thanked her before making my way to the bank, having no idea what I was going to leave her with.

I walked in with dread, and walked out with my heart racing as I thought, what did I just do?

I gripped the cashier check in my hand with so much force and care, terrified it would just slip out of my fingers and be carried away by the wind.

I was officially broke. With a capital B.

My entire life savings, and then some was held within this one piece of paper...

I was screwed.

I walked into the Police station with shaky hands, a line of people in front of me as I thought about the irony of being on the other end of this.

I never wanted to be here again.

Eventually it was my turn and with a dull voice he asked, "Name?"

"Cole Brock"

"Bail, twenty grand" He stated and I nodded, jitters running through my body causing me to shiver at the idea of handing twenty grand to this random person; my entire life savings that I might not get back, in the hands of a stranger.

The second I slid the check to him, the air was knocked out of my lungs.

Everything I've worked for is in the hands of this man, all because my fiancé was an idiot.

My lips pursed as I listened to him tell me that Colby would be let out soon, and that if he showed up to the court dates, I'd get the bail money back and I just nodded, having no fucking clue what I was going to say to the man that just cost me my life savings, and more important, could've cost his life or someone else's all because he was acting on stupidity.

I sat down in the stiff chair, my leg relentlessly shaking as I waited, my hand instantly rubbing against my plush stomach as I watched people come and go, the feeling of insecurity running up along the nerves of my back and neck wondering what these people have done, who they were here to bail out or what kind of news they'd be receiving.

Were they a murderer? An abuser? or simply caught up in a DUI like Colby?

Jail was filled with all sorts of people, whether it was something stupid, or something insanely terrifying, you never knew who was walking through that door, and for what reason.

I wanted out of here.

I crossed my hands in front of my stomach, looking away from the door as I impatiently waited, every minute feeling like an hour.

The sound of my name caused me to jump, quickly looking over towards a door where a tired Colby stared back at me.

Rushing to my feet, I quickly pulled him into a hug, the embrace being stiff and cold as I let my arms fall to my side, stepping away from him.

"Who called you?" He asked, my heart dropping to my stomach as my back collapsed under the weight.

"I bail you out, and that's the first thing you ask?" I pressed, my face scrunched up in confusion and anger.

I quickly turned on my heel, wanting to get the hell out of here, leaving my fiance dumbfounded.

Halfway to my car I heard,"Leighton!", but I couldn't stop as I quickly spotted my car. "Leighton stop! Wait!"

"NO! SCREW YOU!" I screamed, unlocking my car, sliding in and slamming the door shut, ready to lock him out and leave him here, when he quickly pulled the door open.

"Please! I'm sorry!" He frantically spit out.

"Get the fuck in the car. I want to fucking leave" I growled, tired of his shit.

He goes missing for 24 hours and I bail him out of jail just for him to ask who told me? No I love you, I'm sorry, let me explain.

Who called you?

Really?

Who fucking called me was his concern?!

The first five minutes were silent as my mind raced, Colby's annoying quick glances pissing me off time and time again until he finally spoke. "I'm sorry" He stated, my body feeling like it was going to explode with rage.

"You fucking better be" I muttered, turning on my blinker.

I hated how pathetic I felt. How unapologetic his apology sounded.

Was he even sorry? Did he regret his actions? Did he miss me? Care that I was worried?

"Leighton" He exhaled, shutting up when I shook my head, refusing to glance back at him.

I parked in my spot, climbing out of my car, not looking back as I quickly got to the elevator, impatiently waiting for the button when I heard his steps getting closer.

Finally the doors opened and my eyes rolled when he slipped inside, joining me for the dreadful ride to our floor.

"Please talk to me" Silence. "Please" he begged, fighting off the urge to sarcastically laugh in his face.

Now he wanted to talk?

"Did you cry?" I suddenly asked, looking over at him.

His eyebrows pulled together, turning to face me, "What?"

"Did you cry? Once? Twice? Because I've cried." I stated, wanting to smack the clueless look right off his stupid face. "I cried for your safety. I cried for your wellbeing. That you would be okay, begging you to come home. To reply to me. To simply fucking be here; and none of it was answered until I fucking called 911, crying, afraid that you were going to fucking die... only to find out you'd been arrested" I continued, swallowing the lump in my throat. I took a quick inhale, "So tell me Colby, did you cry?" I asked, the elevator doors opening; both of us standing there for a moment as I listened to his silence. "Thought so" I muttered, leaving him frozen in the elevator.

I twisted my key into the door, allowing myself in, letting the door shut behind me.

I was tempted to lock it, but before I could make up my mind Colby twisted the handle, letting himself in.

I repeated the process of slipping off my shoes, letting my purse fall and making my way to the kitchen, except this time I felt him follow me.

He was finally home, and it felt twisted that I wished to be alone.

I opened the fridge, grabbing a water bottle and twisting it open, only to hear Colby's soft voice make me freeze.

"I cried." He began, my body turning to face him, "I cried for you." He finished, but I knew he wasn't done. "I longed for you. To hold you. To have you... to want you" he spoke with such uncertainty and pain that I could feel my own shocked pain tighten my chest as my voice wobbled; "Wh-what?"

"I'm sorry" He apologized again, his once beautiful bright blue eyes looking so pale and dark in comparison.

"If you wanted me, why didn't you come home?! I was here, waiting for you!" I exclaimed, hating how defeated he looked. "Colby? Why didn't you come home"

Silence.

I kept my eyes locked on him, my muscles tensing as I watched him glance away.

"Colby?"

"I.."

"Colby? Please.." I begged; my eyes narrowing as I used all the strength I could find to keep my composure.

"I didn't want to" he confessed, the shoe finally dropping.

I felt my heart drop as I took a sharp inhale of air, rolling my lips inwards as my sinuses began to burn.

He didn't want to go home.

"You could've hurt someone" I stated softly, the entire kitchen filling with a sense of dread.

I felt like every breath I inhaled, another brick was placed on my chest as I tried to figure out what was going on inside of his head.

All I could see was darkness blinding me in his lifeless blue eyes.

How long have they looked like that?

His lips parted, but nothing came out, his shoulders dropping before his head hung low.

"Why won't you talk to me?" I asked softly, too afraid to let my anger show; afraid of watching him crumble beneath me.

Would yelling at him make him retreat more?

I hated second guessing my own actions. Like I had to change to make him happy; it pissed me off.

How dare he make me feel like I can't be mad at him for making me worry about his well being?! I'm pregnant with his child for God sake! I love him, my daughter loves him! We have an entire life to plan out together, yet here I was, too afraid to say the wrong thing or take the wrong step.

The words "I didn't want to" not even registering in my head as I continued to think about him putting himself and others in danger.

Why didn't he want to come home? Was it me? Gemma?.. us?

"Because I know what you're going to say" He muttered, his eyes glancing to look over at me, the pale blue irises clouded with wavering tears.

I hated watching him cry.

It didn't happen often, but every time I saw a stray tear lose its fight and roll down his cheek, it felt like watching a kicked puppy scurry to safety.

I wanted to be safety, yet I seemed to only cause pain.

"And what am I going to say?" I half teased, hating that a single tear rolled down his cheek as he sat down on the kitchen stool, his eyes fixated on the countertops.

"That you're disappointed in me" he said softly.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I took a deep breath, catching his attention; Colby's eyes slowly lifted from the surface below to look at me. "I am disappointed in you, but I also love you" I told him carefully, Colby's facial features softening as the three words fell from my lips.

I watched him nod to himself, my eyes narrowing before he said, "You can hate me. I would if I were you" making me feel like the floor beneath my feet shattered.

"It would be easier to hate you, than it is to love you, but I think that's why it's worth it" I told him, my voice full of certainty, watching his every move. "You don't know the hell I went through to find you. The worry, the pain... wondering if you were okay.." I drifted, my eyes closing as they began to burn. "It's not hard to love you Colby. It's hard to care. It's exhausting to worry. To not know if you're okay.." My blurred vision looked back at him, his face covered by his hands. "Why'd you do it? Why didn't you come home? Why didn't you reply? Why'd you drink and drive?" I listed, my chest tightening at every possible avenue we could be walking down with whatever he said next.

He stayed silent, ignoring my sigh as I leaned back against the counter, giving us more distance.

"I know about the pills. I know you've skipped. Why?"

"I felt okay" He mumbled, removing his hands from his face.

"Colby. You know that it takes a few for shit to affect you. You felt okay because of the pills!"

His silence was aggravating.

Was it so bad that I wanted answers?

"I've never been in this position before, I don't know how to help unless you talk to me" I stated, becoming impatient at his lack of communication.

He put me through hell, and now he won't even tell me why?

"I don't fucking know, okay?" He snapped, my heart jumping in my chest out of surprise, an inaudible gasp filling my lungs as my eyes slightly widened from the abrupt change of behavior.

"Well you better fucking figure it out because I'll be damned if I have to bail your ass out of fucking jail again!" I snapped back, shoving myself off the counter and swiping my bottle before quickly exiting the kitchen.

I hated being mad at him, especially when I knew he was hurting; but was he not going to take accountability for his actions?

He could've killed someone!

I shut our bedroom door, running my free hand through my hair, feeling a few strands get caught in my fingers as my eyes locked on the unmade bed, Colby's empty side taunting me.

I missed walking through this door and seeing him lounge in bed on his laptop; now I wish to simply lay down without missing his touch.

It annoyed me how symbolic the empty side of his bed was beginning to become

I changed into comfier clothes, my eyes looking down at my stomach, squinting a little as my thumb ran over the extra skin.

Was there a bump?

I pulled on a shirt before quickly going to the bathroom, tugging it back up to my boobs, twisting my body in all different directions to try and notice the bump.

My eyes began to burn as I felt my hand curve against my stomach, a smile tugging at my lips as I felt it go from squishy to firm.

My baby.

I turned to the side, letting my hand repeat the motion, a big grin finding it's way onto my face as I saw my hand curve outwards instead of down.

I was getting my bump.

"Hi little love" I spoke softly, giddy over the idea of watching my stomach grow again.

I was doing this again.

"Oh my god" I exhaled, giggling slightly as I turned to the other side.

There was a bump!

Letting my shirt fall, I quickly snatched my phone from our room, shutting the bathroom door as I opened the camera, capturing this precious moment between me and my 2nd baby.

"Hi little love" I grinned, the camera facing the mirror as I recorded. "It's mom. I'm documenting the first time I've noticed your bump!" I ran my hand over my stomach, turning my body but keeping the camera straight. "I can't wait to meet you! I love you little one"

I ended the recording and took a cute picture, saving them into a new folder on my phone.

I felt like a whole new person as I walked out of that bathroom; a sense of pride washing over me knowing my baby was growing, and I was going to watch it again.

My steps became larger as I tried to find Colby, desperate to share this exciting news with him.

I can't believe I'm carrying his baby.

If only I could talk to myself 5 years ago...

"Colby?!" I called out, peeking in the kitchen only to find it empty. "Colby?" Nothing. "Colby?" I tried again, wandering down the hallway.

Hearing movement behind our bedroom door, I twisted the knob, elated to share that I had a bump, only to be met with Colby's suitcase on our bed.

"Colby?" I asked quietly, my brow furrowing. "W-what are you doing?" My voice cracked, Colby's back tensing before slowly turning around. "Wh-.. you're.. you're leaving?" I spoke in disbelief, noticing the pants packed, a few shirts on the bed.

"Leighton, we need a break" he stated softly.

"What?! No! You can't leave! You have to show up in court!" I quickly spat out, my heart beginning to race again at the idea of being left alone yet again.

I watched his eyes widen, "Shit!" he hissed before sitting next to his suitcase.

"You were just going to fucking leave?! Are you fucking kidding me?! YOUR BAIL WAS TWENTY FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS AND YOU WERE JUST GOING TO FUCKING LEAVE AFTER I FUCKING BAILED YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF JAIL?!" I shouted, my body feeling like it was going to explode with rage. 

"Leighton.. this isn't working"

"So you're just going to fucking leave?!" 

"Leigh.."

My head began to shake, "Fuck you" I spat, glaring at him.

"Classy" he muttered, pissing me off even more, if that was even possible.

"What the fuck Colby!" 

"What do you want me to say?!"

"THAT YOU'RE SORRY!?! THAT YOU LOVE ME?! JUST A FUCKING THOUGHT!"

"I do love you!" He called back, his hand extending in front of him.

"YOU DON'T LEAVE THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!"

"So what, I stay and hurt myself because I love you?" He asked, my entire system going into a state of sadness as my eyes began to tear up.

"What did I do?" I asked quietly, an uncomfortable pit forming in my stomach.

"Leighton, please don't" He softly begged, his beautiful blue eyes drooping as my breathing became more shallow.

I stayed quiet for a minute, trying to desperately collect my thoughts, but all I could feel was myself begin to mourn the person standing in front of me.

"I hurt you" I muttered to myself, sniffling before looking up at Colby. "I'm sorry"

"Leighton, please" he begged again, "Please just.." he sighed, his tongue in his cheek before his hand rubbed at his nose, his eyes looking back over at me, "Please.. please let me leave"

My eyes instantly squeezed shut as tears began to stream down my face; the desperate tone of his voice on repeat immediately.

I just nodded, not sure how I was supposed to reply to that as my brain began to work on overload.

"I can't.. I can't force you to stay" I began, opening my wet lashes to look at a blurred Colby. "But.. but.." my finger twisted the newly bought anxiety ring, hating the sting I could feel fill my chest. "But can I at least" I took a sharp inhale which was followed by a hiccup as I began to struggle to get a stable breath of air into my lungs. "Can I at least know why?"

"I don't want to hurt you" He frowned, my eyes squeezing shut before opening again, another rush of tears rolling down my cheeks.

"You're hurting" I whimpered, reaching up to wipe the thick streams of water off my reddened cheek. "Why.. why wouldn't you tell me? Why.. why won't you communicate with me that you need help? Why.. why isolate yourself?" 

"I didn't want to hurt you" he stated again, my brow furrowing as my eyes squinted, my wet lashes sticking together causing me to rub at my eye.

"You're already hurting me. Just fucking tell me! Why don't you want me anymore?! What did I do!"

"Do you really want to know?" He tested the waters, myself nodding. "I need you and you can't be there for me" 

"Wha-what?"

"It's okay" he tried, standing up from the bed, walking over to me, his hand grazing my hand but I pulled away from him.

"None of this is okay! If you needed me, why didn't you tell me?!"

"Leighton.. how was I supposed to tell you? When was I supposed to tell you? When you were busy ranting about work? When you're caring for Gemma? When you're vomiting from morning sickness? When you're at your dying mothers bedside? There is no room for me to tell you!"

"I'm sorry" I whispered, Colby shaking his head as his hand came up to cradle my face; my body hating the way my chest winced at the feel of his touch. "I didn't.. I didn't know! I.. Colby" I exhaled, Colby licking his lips; immediately making me crave his touch; yet I didn't want it.

I didn't want to be comforted. I was a bad fiancé! I didn't know he needed me until it was too late!

"What did you need from me? What could I have done to make this turn out differently?" I asked, sniffling as I tried to pull myself together.

"What do you mean?"

"You said you needed me. How did you need me? What did I not do?"

Colby reached for my hand, pulling me over to the bed, moving his suitcase out of the way as we both sat down.

"I don't know Leighton. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what could be done differently or what I need. I just.. something doesn't feel right"

"I don't want you to leave" I whispered, looking at him through my lashes before glancing away, too afraid to watch his body react to my confession. "I.. I was coming in here.. to show you.. to show that I have.. have a bump" my hand cradled my stomach, not daring to look away from the soft covered skin.

When the silence lingered, I looked over at Colby to see a few tears roll down his face.

"You're going to be a dad. Our baby needs you. Needs you to be alive, to be healthy. Our baby.. our baby needs a dad Colby. Someone to teach them things, someone to scare off their prom date, someone they can run too when the monsters get too scary. Our baby needs you. I need you. I need my shoulder to cry on; I'm so fucking sorry I failed to be that for you. I.. I had no idea that you needed that from me, and I'm sorry" I apologized, my face full of remorse.

Colby took me by surprise, pulling me into his chest.

"I love you" He mumbled into my hair.

"If you want to.. to leave" my voice shook, "I can't.. can't keep you here" 

"Leighton.." 

"Colby"

"I want you.. I just.. I don't want this" He stated, pulling away to motion around, confusing me.

"Want what?"

"This" he motioned again, "This life. This apartment. The lonely nights. The fighting. The worry! This isn't what I imagined when I saw forever"

"What do you mean you don't want this?! This is me Colby! How can you say you want me, but then say you don't want anything that has to do with me?!" I exclaimed, quickly shoving myself off the bed, creating distance as the emotion began to build in my chest.

"Because I love you, and I want you! I want you, I want Gemma, I want our baby... but Leighton; this isn't working" He continued, shifting on the bed to face me as I began to pace.

"Well then what do you want?!" 

"I want my friends, I want my family! I want you, and I, and Gemma in a house with a yard. Somewhere for us to grow! I can't.. I can't be shoved into an apartment forever doing nothing! I can't sit idle waiting for you to come home and boil over! I want to go on adventures, vacations, have normalcy and fun" He began to rattle off, becoming more and more animated as he continued.

"What does that even mean?! I've never held you back from seeing your friends! You go on trips all the time!"

"Work trips! I go on work trips!" He clarified, his face becoming pink.

"How is this my fucking fault?!" 

"YOU NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH ME! We have the money! The time! Gemma can always come, but you're too fucking stuck in being independent and doing it alone to allow me to help! I feel alone, because you think you're alone! I can't spoil you with gifts because you don't want me to waste money! I can't take you on trips because you're always working! I get it, you want to be independent, but you have to slow down at some point! We're crashing and burning, and you don't even fucking see it!" He shouted, standing up with his arms held out before they dropped to his side, his shoulders slumping as his voice softened, "We're two very different people who want two very different things, and yet you can't see that this isn't working? That we aren't happy? Leighton. I didn't want to come home" He emphasized, "I stayed out drinking, because I didn't want to come home. I didn't want to walk through that apartment door again and fall right back into this fucking loop of venting and dinner and baths and us going to bed barely touching only to wake up to your vomiting, and shoving me out of the bathroom! You don't want me, and you can't let me go!" 

"I do want you! Don't put words in my mouth because you're looking at a different picture! I fucking love you-"

"THEN WHERE WERE YOU?!" he shouted, his voice causing me to jump, backing up slightly.

"I was here! Waiting for you! YOU DON'T WANT ME! YOU CAN'T LET ME GO!" I shouted back, "Stop projecting your bullshit onto me! I'm fucking sorry I didn't notice you were hurting because my plate has been full. It's not an excuse, but it's what happened! I've never once said you can't see Sam, or jake, or even fucking Amber for that matter! I've never once said you can't go on a trip, or that you can't go out on your own! Stop acting like I'm a controlling bitch just because you're unhappy! If you want Sam, go fucking get him! If you're so god damn unhappy, then why the fuck are you still here?! Why prolong it this fucking long?! Why have a goddamn baby with me if you don't want me!"

"Because I wanted this! I wanted you and Gemma and our baby, but I don't want it like this! I don't want us like this!"

"I can't give you what you want, because I don't know how!" I confessed, the tension in my body dropping as I leaned back against the wall, my chest rapidly rising and falling. "I don't know how to be the girl you want! I don't know who that person is, and I honestly shouldn't have to fucking change for you! I work, because it's the only thing I know! I only know how to be alone! How to fucking provide for myself, for my daughter! I can't be the girl you want, because I don't know how!"

"I don't want someone else, I want you! I fell in love with you, but I need you to accept that you're not alone! It isn't you against the world and I know that's fucking rich coming from me.. but.. Leighton, I want to explore the world with you. I have the means to give us more than all of this" He motioned to the bedroom again. 

"What if I don't want more? What if this is where I'm content? Where I want to be?" I argued back, feeling the fire erupt in my veins.

"You'd rather work a shitty fast food job then go to the fucking Bahama's?" He mocked, my lips pursing.

"If it meant that I stayed clean and sober and happy and cared for; yes. I would rather work a shitty fast food job in our shitty apartment then go to the fucking Bahama's" I truthfully answered, Colby shaking his head out of disbelief, his hands running through his hair. "Is this you, or your mental health talking? Do you want a break from me and Gemma, or from yourself? Because I've been there Colby! I know how this shit feels, which is why I don't understand why you didn't come to me! I have a million things going on at all times, I need you to make me pay attention to you, and I'm sorry if that bothers you; it's just how it is" 

"You're making it sound like I'm some needy bitch!" 

"You ran away because you didn't want to come home! You worried the shit out of me because you couldn't fucking talk to me about what you needed! Your piss poor communication got us here Colby! I'm not a goddamn mind reader! I don't know where your head is at all times and the last I knew, you were taking your medication and were doing fine!"

"I can't fucking do this anymore" He groaned, his hands clasped behind his head.

"Shit gets rough and you give up huh? Must be nice to have money for the Bahama's. Run away Colby. Go to Sam, tell him I'm a bitch who doesn't give you attention. At the end of the day, I may feel like shit, but I can at least be proud of myself for not giving up!"

I watched him roll his eyes, grabbing his suitcase again. 

"You better be at that fucking court date or or I swear to god Cole Brock, I will snip off your dick so fucking fast! I have twenty grand on the fucking line because you were fucking stupid. If you fucking leave and make me lose my fucking life savings, so help me god you'll wish you were fucking dead" I warned, my jaw clenched, my anger masking the sadness as he ignored me, putting things into his suitcase. "Colby!"

"I'll fucking be there!" He snapped, his back turned to me.

"Is this it then?" I asked, leaning against the doorframe as my chest tightened; watching him fill his suitcase with all of his clothes. "I'm just too much of a selfish demanding bitch that you can't take it anymore?" I pressed, my anger taking over.

"I never said that Leighton"

"Yeah? Well you sure didn't want to come home and watch me boil over"

I heard him take a sharp inhale before looking over his shoulder, his lips parting before shaking his head and turning back to the suitcase, the anger fading away into sadness.

I held back the tears as he zippered it close, grabbing his charger from his night stand. "I'll be at the court date" He said before slipping past me, his suitcase brushing against my shirt, my attention falling back to the bump, and that's when it all came crashing down again.

I was pregnant and alone again.

"Hey Colby?!" I called after him, my feet quickly following his lead. 

"What Leighton?" he asked, his tone snippy as he slipped on his shoes.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you, I snapped at you. I'm sorry I said shitty things. I was just mad and scared! Please don't leave!" I quickly apologized, fear shaking me to my core. "I love you" I whimpered.

"Sometimes love isn't enough"

* * * * 

Oops

Written on: March 7th, 8th, 9th, 11th, 13th 2023

Published: March 143h 2023

Word Count: 8324

Part Nine

[britswriting]

Devotion C.B (1)

Welcome to book 3 of my unbroken series!

Series masterlist

Read on wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

I thought getting engaged meant you immediately opened Pinterest and started looking at wedding dresses, but it took me almost 2 months to even daydream about it.

The first thing I did was yell at Uncle Garrett for not telling me, Colby and I walking hand in hand back to the car, before I pulled out my phone and FaceTimed Aaliyah, showing her my ring, listening to her gasp then squeal.

"If I'm not your maid of honor bitch I swear!" She declared, making me laugh.

"You'll have to fight Logan for it!"

"Shit" She muttered and I laughed. "Wait! He would totally rock that though! WAIT WHAT IF HE WAS THE FLOWER GIRL" Aaliyah cackled. "Brock, I didn't think you had the balls to do it!" She called out and my eyes widened, bringing my finger to my lips since Gemma was next to me, falling asleep.

The day of my 24th birthday, we all (My dad, mom, aunt, uncle, Melissa, Colby, Gemma and I) went to the Mall of America, back to the rainforest cafe; Gemma losing her mind at all the animals.

"The last time I was here, you were in mommy's belly" I cooed, feeling weird seeing my two and a half year old sit across from me, in the same exact place where I didn't know if it would all work out.

Here I was two years later, engaged, sober and happy... It felt surreal.

The day before we had to head back home, Colby asked if we were going to publicly announce our engagement now that everyone important already knew.

"If you want to, we can, but I don't mind keeping it to ourselves. You're Mr. Social Media. It's your career. You can do whatever you want" I replied, and he sighed. "What?"

"You're important, you do know that, right?" he asked, confusing me. "I want to share you with people. You're a part of this decision"

"I understand, but it's your job. It's your name. If you want to tell your followers I said yes in some cheesy post, go right head, but I don't care"

"You don't care?" He asked and I shrugged, scrolling through my texts with my mom, trying to find a picture she sent, to send to Aaliyah. "Why don't you care?"

"Social media isn't my life Colby"

"I understand... but don't you want to tell people?" He asked, getting me to look at him.

"We did. We told everyone I want to tell. People who watch your ghost hunting videos don't matter to me. They're not in my life, they're not getting invited to the wedding, they're not someone I really think about. I'm not involved in that side of you, and to be frank, I don't want to be. That is your job. That's where you work. If you want to share that with them, that is your choice, it doesn't affect me"

"Leighton, it's more than just where I work. It's everyone knowing we're together. We're getting married. We're starting a life together" he tried to explain, seeming upset, which was confusing me.

"But we've already started a life together long before you proposed?"

"But I never shared that"

"So then why does it matter if you share that we're engaged?"

"Because..." He paused, letting out a deep breath, "Because you're a part of my life I want to share. I don't share because people have too many opinions and think they can control me... but why can't I have what Sam and Kat have? Why can't I post photos of us kissing? Why can't I share fun adventures we do, and show us doing couple like things, without getting yelled at? I want to share the proposal because it means you're staying. You're someone they have to take or leave. I already plan to marry you. Their voices don't matter anymore"

"Colby, if you want to tell people, then tell people"

"But you don't want me to"

"Oh my god! Colby! if you worked an office job, why the fuck would I care if you told your coworkers you were engaged? I'll more than likely never see them in my life. You're asking me if I want to post on social media about a life event they're not a part of? I don't use social media, I don't post on it, I barely type it into Google. Posting about an engagement isn't something that I have a desire to do, but I understand if you do. If you want to post a cheesy photo and say "She said yes" on your Instagram, then do that. Whatever your choice is, does not matter to me"

"I want it to fucking matter, Leighton!" He groaned, his hands covering his face.

I sighed, watching him run his hands over his face.

"Colby, baby, I love you and I support your decision if this is what you want to do. — Are you listening to what I'm saying? I said I don't care if you want to, or not. If you want to share me, us... do that. Do whatever will make you happy, but something as small as an Instagram post should not be controlling your life. I don't know why you're freaking out about this, when you barely use Instagram as it is. What is the real issue here? Why is this such a big deal to you, besides you wanting your fans to know we're getting married?"

"It's not controlling me! I just.. Why can't you care? Why don't you want them to know?"

"Look at me" I demanded, his face still covered by his hands. "Colby, look. at. me."

He removed his hands, his eyes glossed over as he stared at me.

"You are Cole Brock. A boy I met because I needed a place to live, and we just happened to bond and like getting greasy diner food together. You're not Colby Brock, the big YouTuber who has money and fame and followers. I don't give a crap about what your "fans'' have to say about me, or my life, or our relationship. You don't share things because you're insecure of losing people. Why are you so afraid to lose someone who's never supported you to begin with? If you're going to get hated on for falling in love, they didn't deserve you anyway. If posting this post is going to make you happy, post it. I'm not going to see the hate, or lose a wink of sleep over it, and you shouldn't either. If you want to keep it private, do that by all means. If you want to shout from the rooftops that you put a ring on it, fucking do that!" I laughed, seeing a smile crack on his face, a tear rolling down his cheek. "They only get to see what you show. You control how much you let them in, and how much you tell them. If you want the world to know, share it, and if you want it to just be us... that's perfectly fine too"

"I'm sorry" he mumbled, wiping at his cheek, and I leaned down to kiss him softly.

"I love you"

"I love you too, and we don't have to post anything if you don't want to" he said and I groaned.

"Oh my god! Just hit fucking post, will you?"

****

colbybrock: The start of something beautiful 

****

Life got busy once we got home, that logistics like "Now what?" never really crossed our minds. Sam and Colby got back into the swing of filming, and I got back into the swing of working, and visiting family and friends, April and Noel coming over here and there to hang out, that our one year anniversary really snuck up on me.

"I don't know what to do for it" I complained to Aaliyah, scrolling through pages of Google links.

"Have you heard from Colby?" She asked, tiredness worn on her face like she was ready to crawl into bed, even though it was currently 2:35pm.

"I mean, we FaceTime, but he's been so busy with work.."

"Ask him. No one says it has to be a surprise. You can plan things together"

"I just.. I hate that every time I try to do something nice for him, I fail. I can never get it to go to plan"

"Babes, that's just your life" She laughed and groaned.

"I know! What did you and River do for your first?"

"Honestly, we don't even know our anniversary. We know the month, and that's it. We sort've just picked a day and rolled with it and we've gotten to the point where we just make dinner and hang out for the night. It doesn't have to be something extreme, Leigh. It can be small simple things"

"But he likes the extreme things"

"Has he seen your bank account before he put a ring on it? He's going to need to like poor man's soup and a movie night cuddle if you two are going through life together"

"Hey!"

She laughed, "Leighton, be real. He doesn't care. He's happy you just said yes"

One way or another she was correct, and Colby flew in on the day of our anniversary, commenting about how weird it was to walk into the apartment and not have a toddler screaming at his feet since she was with Gabe for the next two days.

We stayed in our pajamas all day and hung out in my apartment, ordering in food and reminiscing on all of the things we did before we got together, Colby pulling up old explore videos, mentioning how they thought about doing more things like that, just this time actually getting permission.

"See, I'd be down to go for that. As long as you don't whip an EMF meter out of your ass, I'll go"

"Why do you hate ghosts so much?" he laughed, pausing the video.

"Because I have a hard time believing in the fact that once you die, your soul goes somewhere and can get trapped here, and you're still stuck here. I have a hard time thinking there is more. If I've lived so many past lives, why is my brain still confused?"

"If we're going to stay engaged, we are not walking down that road right now" He laughed and I rolled my eyes, snuggling more into my blanket.

"I understand you have your beliefs and you've seen some unexplainable things, hell, even I have. I still don't know what kinda bullshit that Amanda girl was on, but.. I just.. it's easier to block it out and pretend it didn't happen, then look it in the face. Maybe deep down I just don't want it to be real.. but because I think it's all bullshit, it's not fun going and I'm sure it isn't fun watching me be there. I'm glad you guys are getting to do crazy shit, but mostly I'm glad you have something to do with Sam, without me. I'm glad you guys get to spend time together like that"

The second week of September Colby and I somehow got on the topic of moving in together, and it wasn't like we didn't want to... but it came down to where, when and how.

Where would we move?

When would we move?

and how?

I can't just move us across the country, because Gemma see's Gabe every other weekend, or on weekdays. With our schedules being so crazy right now, I can't imagine possibly finding the time to do that, to which Colby claimed that we just make time.

Sounds easy, right?

"Would you want to move to Nevada?" Colby asked and without thinking twice I shook my head. "Why?"

"Because that's not home to me. I hear Nevada and I think Vegas strip, and that's like bachelor party or vacation time. I don't picture raising a family there"

"Families live there" he chimed back.

"I know, but I want to move more east... I just... I don't want to be away from my family, and asking them to follow me back home is a lot right now. I mean, my mom has all her doctors here. I can't just make it Leighton's world and ask everyone to move for me"

"But you also can't put your life on hold for your mom"

I rolled my eyes, walking down the hall, leaving him in my bedroom.

"Leighton?" He called, his footsteps behind me, his hand grabbing my shoulder. "Please don't"

I groaned, turning around. "I get that I can't put things off.... But I would rather live here, with them, and be able to see my mom whenever I want, then be in Minnesota and get the call that she died. I have literal nightmares about that. So I'm not moving. If you wanna live in Vegas, live in fucking Vegas, but I'm staying here"

"Why is this becoming an argument? Nevada isn't my forever place either"

"I'm not arguing. I apologize if it's coming off like that, it's just... I want you to know that I want to stay here, and why"

"But you shouldn't put what you want off. Your mom could live for 10 more years Leighton"

"And she could die tomorrow. I'm not negotiating and I'm not changing my mind, so can we drop it? If you want to live together, move back here, otherwise, stay where you are" I muttered, continuing my way to the kitchen.

I started cleaning up from breakfast, Gemma having made a mess of my floors and table.

"Leighton"

I mentally groaned, ignoring him as I wiped down the table.

"Leighton"

"What?"

"Can we please talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about? I'm staying here. So clearly, if we're living together, you're moving here. It's not like you hate California"

"That's not the point. You're brushing off an important conversation about us moving in together"

"You're literally here all the time" I motioned to my apartment, moving around Colby who was leaning against the counter.

"Leighton, I love you, but I don't want to live with your brother forever"

Oh.

Shit.

I looked up from the sink, Colby watching me, looking confused and frustrated.

"Leighton? Why are you shutting down on me?" He asked and when I didn't reply, I watched him get up and my heart dropped.

Was he leaving?

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, only to feel his hands wrap around my waist, pulling me into him.

"Please don't shut down on me"

"I'm.. not"

I heard him chuckle, and felt his hands on the front of my hips before he had me turn into his chest.

"Why are you getting quiet on me? You only go quiet when you're insecure. It's just a conversation baby"

"I just.. I can't really afford a house mortgage" I admitted, hating how I feel like I'm holding him back.

I watched a smile crack onto his face, turning into a grin.

"What?" I asked, confused why he looked like he was about to make fun of me.

"It's always Leighton against the world, huh?" He teased me.

"What?"

"Why is it that I brought up us moving in together, and your brain went to some expensive house you can't afford? Do you really think I'm going to force you into a situation you're uncomfortable with? I already know you won't let me just buy us a house. We have other options, you know. We could do what you're doing now, but on our own" He said and I felt stupid.

"I'm sorry" I immediately apologized, wishing we could just restart this whole conversation over.

"I love you, you know that?" He laughed, my face becoming warm as I leaned into his chest, groaning.

He held me for a minute as I let my embarrassment rush through my veins, praying we can just pretend my stupidity never happened.

"What about Landon?" I asked, my words muffled against the fabric of his shirt.

"Leighton, he can't expect you to live with you forever? Especially now that we're engaged. Plus, he has friends, a boyfriend, I'm sure he'll figure it out. You need to stop worrying so much about other people"

"Well I'm not going to leave him high and dry!"

"Leigh, you're acting like we're moving out tomorrow with no warning. Do you just not want to live together, is that the problem?" He accused me, and I pushed away from his chest glaring.

"Why the fuck would I say yes if I didn't want to live with you? Do you think we were going to get married and we just continue to live in different states?" I asked, creating distance between us/

"Well you're not talking to me, and bringing up issues that aren't even issues yet! We've been engaged for three months, and we haven't even discussed it"

I took a calming breath, my head starting to feel fuzzy as I tried to pull my thoughts together.

"There are a lot of lives affected if we do that. What about Sam and Kat?" I asked, knowing that if we moved out, we were leaving a lot of people with unexpected changed lives.

"Sam and Kat are perfectly fine if I leave babe" he chuckled, yet again making me feel stupid.

I sat down on the floor, feeling overwhelmed and just wanted to be alone for a minute.

"Babe?" He said and I shook my head. "Leighton?"

I opened my eyes to see Colby sat in front of me.

"Can you please tell me what you're thinking about?" He asked and I groaned.

"It's dumb. I'm dumb. I'm sorry" I immediately spat out, going to stand up, only for Colby to grab my wrist and pull me back down to him.

"You're overwhelmed" he stated, and I just stared. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but can we at least talk about it?" He asked and nodded. "What is in your head right now?"

"Things are changing, and fast" I mumbled, feeling extremely pathetic.

He nodded, "They are, and that's not a bad thing"

"But... I finally got comfortable"

"Being comfortable is overrated" he teased, getting me to smile, shaking my head.

"Not when you're poor and stressed. You welcome comfort" I giggled.

"Just because change happens, doesn't mean you're taking steps back. I brought it up because I come back here frequently anyway, plus we're engaged now, and I'd like to start the journey of fully creating a life together. I'm not saying we need to live in a mansion, I'm perfectly fine with us living in an apartment..... I just want to be with you"

It felt nice to be able to sit down and talk about our future, without being told that I'm wrong, or that my insecure feelings are stupid, even when I know I'm overreacting, or taking things out of proportion.

The two of us probably sat on the kitchen floor for an hour, talking about possibly moving into an apartment together and what that would look like, which eventually led to both of us sitting on our phones, looking at listings and just daydreaming a little bit about the idea of actually taking this step together.

"So would you say three bedrooms then?" He asked.

"Well.. we only need two? The more you add, the more expensive it gets"

"Baby, let's just put in our dream things first and go from there"

"But"

"Worry about money later" He stated and I frowned.

"That is a foreign concept, Brock"

October rolled around and we finally set up time to look at apartments, and a few small houses, but Colby immediately said no, not liking the neighborhoods they were in.

By the time we found an apartment we could both agree on, everything started to feel a little too real.

"Is this really happening?" I whispered to him, both of us reading over our renters agreement.

"You know what will be even more real?" He quietly asked.

"Hm?"

"When your signing Brock as your last name"

Oh.

I stayed quiet, pretending to be focused on the contract, signing and dating the few pages.

"I can't believe I'm legally bound to an apartment with you now... and my dad isn't a co-signer" I joked, Colby finishing writing his name down.

"I almost put Colby" he chuckled, double checking that he didn't miss anything. "We did it" He grinned, looking over at me.

"I can't believe you roped me into sharing an apartment with your annoying ass. I'm going to have to see your stupid face every day" I fake groaned, Colby grabbing my arms and pulling me into his chest.

"You signed it, no take backs! I can't believe we're engaged and renting an apartment together. It's almost like we're becoming real adults" He grinned, looking down at me.

"Gemma is going to love that she doesn't have to say goodbye anymore"

We decided to tell Gemma on her birthday, since we were going to be moving in on December 16th.

Colby and I sat her down in the living room and told her we had one final present for her, the now three year old not being able to sit still.

"Is it a puppy?!" She ecstatically asked, making a pit form in my stomach.

Ever since she got to hang out with Dakota, and Melissa teasingly told her to ask us for a puppy, she hasn't dropped it since.

We figured we'd give her a few weeks and she'd forget, but clearly we're inexperienced with little girls who want puppy dogs.

"So you know how Coco gave me a pretty ring and we get to spend forever together?" I asked her, Gemma fiddling with the stuffed cow she had gotten the year previous.

"Yes! He gives me ring too!" She showed me her hand, which proudly showcased the ring he had gotten her.

"Well Coco and I got an apartment together, like how me and Uncle Landon did, and you, Landon and I lived here" I motioned to the apartment, Gemma nodding. "Colby and I got one together, so you, me, and Coco can live together forever!" I exclaimed, hoping my excitement brushed off on her.

I watched a frown appear on her face, causing me to side eye Colby.

She pushed herself off the cough.

Was she not happy about this? Did she not want to move? Did I royally fuck up already?

She ran over to Colby, her arms wrapping around his legs.

"No lying?" She asked, looking up at him.

"I'm not lying. Are you happy bug?" He asked and I thanked God he did.

She quickly nodded, hiding her face in his legs.

"Then why the tears G?" He asked and I made my way over to them, crouching behind her, my hand rubbing soothing circles on her back, moving some of her hair out of the way, placing a kiss against her wet cheek.

"I dunno!" She cried, Colby chuckling and picking her up.

"Are you happy bug?" He asked and she nodded, hiding her face in his neck, melting my heart.

"No go bye bye" She cried.

I wrapped my arms around Colby's waist, sandwiching the three year old between us, and once she stopped crying, we started to explain how moving works and how she'll still be able to see her Uncle Landon whenever she wanted to and that she could pack up all her toys to the new place.

When move in day came, I was stressed out of my mind, and extremely thankful to April for offering to take Gemma off my hands for the day.

Sam, Kat and Colby were driving Colby's stuff from Nevada to California, leaving me to make all of the choices, which were surprisingly more overwhelming than you'd think.

Did I want that bookshelf in the living room? My room? The extra room? I don't know!

Sure the kitchen stuff went in the kitchen and the bathroom stuff in the bathroom, but what about Gemma's new doll house? Is that going in the living room, or her bedroom?

My dad and Logan brought in my bed, assembling it in the guest room whilst I started to unpack the kitchen stuff, Lexi and Landon working on the bathroom, wanting to get the most done in the least amount of time.

"The party has arrived!" Kat exclaimed, making her grand entrance into our new apartment. "Now where do you want Colby's box?" She laughed, shifting the box upward, struggling to keep her grip on it.

"In the living room is fine, Where is Colby?" I asked, not seeing Sam or Colby following behind her.

"They're working on carrying the bed frame up first"

Ah yes.

The bed Colby was so admit on keeping, and the reason that my bed was going in the spare room.

Colby and I treated our family and friends to some pizza and 20 bucks, the twins happily taking the cash, my dad and Logan refusing and Sam telling Colby that Colby paying for the road trip food was enough payment, Kat making a comment about how I needed the twenty dollars more than she did, which definitely felt like a low blow.

Maybe I just took it the wrong way?

I decided to let it go and work on getting Gemma's new big girl bed put together whilst Colby went to pick her up, but I caught myself wondering if I really was just in my head, or if she meant it the way it came across.

"Mommy!" Gemma squealed, running into her new room where I had just finished placing her brand new bedding on.

"Hi baby, did you have fun?" I asked which sparked her to go into telling me her entire time hanging out with Noel, followed by a load of "and then"'s causing me to get lost along the way.

Colby was put in charge of making our bed whilst I got Gemma ready for bedtime, Gemma being overly excited about taking a bath in the new bathroom.

"Bath toys?" She asked, pulling her top over her head.

"They're still on a box, I think"

"Oh.... but.... No new bath with no toys" She stated, frowning.

"Next time, okay?"

"Mommy!" She whined, the running water drowning out the pitch of her cry.

"Gemma, we have to find them. That's part of the moving process, baby"

"No ducky, no bath" She scrunched her face.

"How about we listen to some music?" I offered up, hoping I could prevent the brewing meltdown.

Thankfully she gave into the idea and even let it go that we didn't have bubbles, both of us singing along to one of my clean version playlists.

"Gonna go show Coco your cow towel?" I asked, Aaliyah having gifted her a towel that had a cartoon cow hood at the top.

I listened to her feet run down the hall, yelling "COCO! LOOK AT MY TOWEL!" as I drained the tub.

"Look at you, bug!" I heard him cheer, followed by giggles.

I slipped out of the bathroom, ready to brush her hair, preparing for the fight we were about to have.

I was nervous about our first night in the apartment, because even though it felt like when he'd sleepover... I knew it was permanent.

This is what my life looked like now, and that appeared scarier the more I thought about it.

I just kept telling myself that it was like any other day, but deep down I knew it wasn't.

I laid in Colby's... well, our bed, waiting for Colby to finish brushing his teeth, just staring at his pillow.

He had a permanent spot in my bed every single night now.

There was no, "Colby is coming over tomorrow, I need to change the bedding, buy food and do laundry" this is our home now.

I heard the bathroom door open, the light getting shut off as Colby walked into the room, tossing his clothes onto the floor.

I cleared my throat, getting him to look at me, "Once we have a hamper, you're not allowed to do that anymore. Do you know how many times my foot has tripped over your jeans when I got up to use the bathroom? I already have a toddler to clean up after. I'm not cleaning up after an almost 27 year old man" I warned, Colby nodding, crawling into bed.

"Promise?" I asked and he hummed, leaning over to kiss me.

"I'm so happy I get to be here, like this, with you, every night" I said softly, wrapping his arm over my ribs, resting under my boobs as he nuzzled into me.

The first week wasn't anything different then when he would visit, but as a couple weeks went by, things began to feel a little more complicated.

I caught myself snapping at Colby a few times, or arguing with him about household chores.

The closer we got to Christmas, and the more together our apartment was becoming, I wanted to put up Christmas décor, but when I brought up about us buying a tree, Colby shrugged it off, telling me "Maybe next year"

"What do you mean next year?! This is our first Christmas in this apartment as a little family!" I exclaimed, my voice raising as I watched Colby scroll through his phone on the couch. "Cole!" I snapped, "Can you listen to me please?" I asked, annoyed that his eyes were locked on his phone.

"What, Leighton? We spend Christmas at your parents house anyway. Why bother putting up the decor for 2 weeks just to take it down? we just got finished unpacking" He explained, and I could see the logical side of it, but that only pissed me off more.

"It's our first Christmas as a family!"

"Leighton, technically our first Christmas as a family was when Gemma was a baby"

"Ugh! WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING ME ON THIS?! We need Christmas décor anyway! What's so wrong about me wanting to put up décor for the holidays?"

"Because we're going to have to take it all down in two weeks, and we literally just got done unpacking all of our shit. I don't want to repack a bunch of décor in 2 weeks"

The tears began to well up in my eyes, so I walked away, taking a few deep breaths, but it only turned into a quivering lip as I held back my sobs.

Why didn't he want to celebrate Christmas with me? What was so wrong about putting up a few decorations together?

I felt a hot tear roll down my cheek, quickly swiping it away.

I expected him to follow after me, but when a few minutes went by, I only began to cry harder.

Did he not love me anymore?

Was all of this just one big mistake?

I dropped it for a few days, but whilst Gemma and I were walking through Walmart, we came across the Christmas décor and all of the cute ornaments and I was immediately pissed all over again.

Who was he to tell me I couldn't put Christmas décor up in my own home?

I'll just do it my fucking self, I don't need him!

"Gem, want to help mommy pick out a pretty tree?" I asked and she nodded, wandering down the aisle.

We picked out a fake green one, placing it in the cart before turning towards all of the Christmas tree décor, both of us wanting everything.

"Look mommy!" Gemma squealed, showing me a My Little Pony ornament.

"That's cute, did you see the farm animals?" I motioned towards the cow and sheep, a border collie figurine next to them.

"Puppy!" She exclaimed, jumping to point at the dog.

"There are other ones" I showed her a few different dog breeds, her eyes full of wonder.

"What's dat?" She asked.

"A begeal"

"What's dat?"

"A german shepherd"

We went on like this for a while, completely fascinated about how curious she was over the immense amount of decorations.

"Why put burger on tee?" she giggled, having looked at the big glittery food items.

"I bet if Nonna let him, Papa would put a burger on a tree"

"Burger no go on kissmas tee!" She snickered, the noise bringing the biggest smile to my face

"I love you so much Gemma"

We got home and Gemma demanded she get to carry the two bags if ornaments whilst I got the other two bags of decor.

"Coco gone?" She asked in the elevator and I nodded.

"He's working baby"

"Coco no elp?"

"He didn't want to"

"Oh..... why?"

I shrugged.

"No good" she shook her head, not bothering to wait for a reply when the elevator opened, running to our door that had the cartoon cow doormat, that way Gemma knew which door was ours.

"Urry ease!" She demanded, bouncing on her heels at the door.

I set the bags, down slipping off my shoes, "Gemma? Do you need to pee?" I asked her, trying to get her fully in the swing of potty training.

"I go pee all-eddy"

I took a deep breath, nodding.

"Next time you have to pee, tell momma okay? We need to go change your diaper now"

"No puffy?" She frowned and I shook my head. "No fair!" She whined.

"You get a puff ball in your jar when you go potty on the big girl toilet. If I gave you a puffy for peeing in your diaper, that defeats the purpose of the system bug" I laughed.

"BUT I NO GO PEE!" She began to cry, her face getting red.

"You just said you did"

"No I get puffy!" She cried, stomping her feet at me.

I rolled my eyes and led her to the bathroom, pulling a new pair of training underwear out of the drawer.

"Take your pants off please so we can change your diaper"

"I no go!" She wailed.

"Gemma, please"

"Puffy!" She cried.

"You can try again next time baby"

"But.. but... mommy!" She sobbed.

I hooked my thumbs under the band of her Jean's, dragging them down her legs, seeing she did indeed need a diaper change.

"I no need it!" She cried, shoving my hands away.

"Would you rather sit in your own pee?" I sternly asked, Gemma frowning and shaking her head, "Then let's change your diaper, and the next time you need to go potty, tell mommy and we can go. You're not in trouble Gemma"

"But no puffy?" She frowned.

"You can get one later baby"

"Now!" She whined, stepping out of the soiled training underwear, taking the wipe and practicing wiping herself before stepping into the new ones.

I ignored her demands, adjusting her pants, and felt her tug at my sweater.

"Puffy?"

"No Gemma"

"Mommy!"

"Your puff balls are for when you potty in the big girl potty" I explained again, starting to feel frustrated.

I called Logan, asking him to come over and help me carry up the heavy boxes tree, Logan bringing Harper for Gemma.

The girls giggled to themselves in the elevator, messing about before running out into the hall, squealing.

"Girls, indoor voices!" Logan called out, walking backwards towards the door, each of us having a side of the box.

"I elp!" Gemma called out, running over to her, her little hands barely reaching the box as she "helped carry" it.

Logan helped me set up the tree, mentioning how he just did this with Cynthia, asking me if Gemma was going to put the tree topper on.

"Can you reach it? I can't" I asked, fluffing out the branches.

"Yeah I can reach it, what topper did you get? Did you get an ugly angel like mom has?" He chuckled.

"Hey! Mom loves that angel! And tree angel toppers aren't ugly! Mom's is just old"

"Well... did you?"

"Yes" I shamefully admitted, Logan chuckling as I dug it out of the bag, showing him.

"I'm sorry but dolls are just creepy" he shook his head, hooking another ornament oh three.

"You literally have a daughter whose obsessed with baby dolls"

Not long after the girls came strolling out, wanting to help.

They put the decorations as high as they could reach, making the bottom of the tree cluttered compared to the top.

"Pwetty?" Gemma asked, looking over at me.

"It's very pretty lovebug"

"We-ah!" Harper yelled, showing me the chocolate lab figurine Gemma picked out. "Brown ike me!" She exclaimed, melting my heart.

"The puppy does have a familiar color to you, doesn't it? You know what else you have in common with the puppy?" I asked, "You're both so cute!" I squished my niece into a hug, loving her little giggle,

"Mama es I bown ike her! I no ow-n like emma!" She pointed at Gemma who was obvious to everything around her as Logan handed her ornaments.

"You are brown like mommy" I nodded, "Your skin is very beautiful baby. Mine is pale and icky" I wrinkled my nose, making her laugh.

"Am-ah eye me baby doll ike me!" she boasted, pointing at herself.

I loved listening to her talk, and watching her explore the world in her own way.

Harper was very different compared to Gemma, but they still shared the same curiosity similarities, just Harper was more tame about her findings, and it took a little more prodding to get a giggle or a flash of excitement.

"Momma? Etty ights ease!" Gemma asked, pointing at the tree.

I handed her the remote, letting her choose which color, when I heard the front door open, my whole body freezing.

"Coco!" Gemma shrieked, taking off toward my fiancée, my body cringing out of anticipation of his reaction. "Momma buy pwetty ights!" I heard her say and I wanted the couch to swallow me hole.

Fuck!

Please don't be pissed. Please don't be pissed. Please don't be pissed.

I saw him enter the room, his eyes widening as she turned on the lights, his blue eyes snapping to me immediately.

Shit Shit Shit Shit

I waited for him to speak, but he just headed down the hall instead.

Fuck.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked, Logan shaking his head.

"Gotta get back home to the wife. She's making this little one's favorite"

Logan and Harper big their goodbyes after I thanked them for their Help, Gemma informing me she had to pee.

I let her flush the toilet and she immediately asked if she could have a puffy.

"Yes G, but just one!" I warned, following her to her jar in the kitchen.

She dug out a purple one, throwing it into the jar of other purple puffs, claiming she needed to go in order by color, and that purple must go first.

Gemma helped me make dinner, and I still hadn't heard from Colby which was beginning go worry me.

Was he really that pissed at me?

It's a Christmas tree! Where is the harm in that?

Gemma out her silicone plate placemat on the table, climbing up into her chair as I dished out her food.

"Coco join?" She asked.

"I don't know baby"

"Why? Coco always eats with me" she frowned.

"I think he's moody baby"

"Why? I no do nothin" she immediately shook her head, making me smile.

"I know, just eat your dinner okay?" I kissed the top of her head, moving her hair out of her face.

The apartment was quiet, and I hated it.

It was too quiet.

The kind of quiet where you wanted to play noise just to fill the uncomfortable silence.

I picked at my food whilst Gemma gobbled hers down, asking for seconds.

I was scooping more food onto her plate when Colby entered the kitchen, silently opening the fridge.

I kept my back to him, hearing him open and close drawers.

"Leighton?" He spoke up, almost making me jump out of surprise.

"Yeah?"

"Where is the bottle opener?" He asked, getting me to turn around, my forehead wrinkling out of confusion.

"I don't know. You put it away"

"Well it's not there"

"Okay? So why would I know? I don't use it"

He gave me a look, one I've seen one too many times on my ex.

He didn't believe me.

"I'm not in the mood for your bullshit right now. Where is it?" he asked, shocking me.

"Language! Little ears!" I hissed, motioning towards Gemma who was watching us.

"Coco eat with me?" She asked, frowning when he ignored her, rapidly opening and closing drawers.

"Leighton!" He groaned, slamming a drawer shut, both Gemma and I jumping.

"What? I don't freaking know! You had it"

He rolled his eyes, opening the fridge and putting something back and walking out.

"Coco moody" Gemma muttered, pushing her food around.

When bedtime came, I threw stuff into the dryer, wiping down the kitchen counters and just trying to keep myself busy since Colby had locked himself in our bedroom.

Was he really this upset over a damn tree?

I was apprehensive to walk into my own bedroom which pissed me off immensely.

I walked into the room, seeing Colby laying in bed on his laptop.

"Are you going to talk to me anytime soon?" I asked, my arms crossing over my chest as I stared him down.

"You went behind my back" he muttered, not looking up from the screen.

Oh my god.

"It's a fucking Christmas tree, you scrooge! It's not hurting anyone! What's so wrong about putting up a damn tree full of fucking joy?!"

He looked up at me over his screen, "I told you I didn't want to do it, and you did it anyway"

"You didn't even have to help!"

"That's not the point Leighton!"

"What is so bad about me putting up a tree?"

"What if I wanted to help?"

"Oh fuck off! You didn't want to do one in the first fucking place! I'm so fucking tired of your pity party! I can't do shit without you moping around! Oh poor Colby, he didn't get his fucking way! Feel so sorry for him, OVER A DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE!"

"That's not the point Leighton! You went behind my back and did it anyway, instead of consulting me!"

"You already said no!"

"Exactly!" He exclaimed and I rolled my eyes, letting out a puff of hair through my nose. "You didn't take my opinion at all into consideration"

"YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT!"

"But you did it anyway! If I knew you were going to do it anyway, I would've liked to help"

"Oh my god" I groaned, my head starting to hurt from his conflicting answers. "Are you pissed about the tree, the fact that I went behind your back, or the fact that you didn't get to help?"

"All of the above"

I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts, speaking slowly, "I understand you don't want to unpack just to pack again, and if that's the only reason... I'll do it. It's not that big of a deal. I'm sorry I went behind your back and got the tree, but I really didn't see the problem in putting up a tree and I'm sorry I didn't include you in the process" I apologized, Colby shutting his laptop, swinging his legs off the bed and walking over towards me.

"I'm not a scrooge. I'm just overwhelmed, I'm sorry" he apologized, his hands slipping to my waist, leaning his head down to rest his forehead against mine.

"There are still some ornaments left if you would like to help?" I asked him, Colby cracking a smile on his face as he leaned down to kiss me.

"That sounds like fun, thank you" 

* * * * 

And so it begins! Buckle up ;)

Written on: January 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th 2023

Published on: January 24th 2023

Word Count: 7018

Part two

[britswriting]

Devotion (25)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

New year new me is what I told myself as I went to therapy this morning. I walked in with determination to figure some shit out, and I left with a fire under my ass as I dialed River, placing my phone in the cupholder as it rang, pulling out of the parking lot.

"Hello? Leighton?" he picked up, echoing around my car.

"Hey! River! How are things going?" I quickly asked, wanting to get the catch up out of the way.

"Doing alright, how about you?"

"Good.. good.. um, quick question." I chuckled nervously.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know Aaliyah's last residence? I saw her before Christmas, but I don't know where she is, and I have something I need to tell her." 

"Um..." He hummed, "I haven't really talked to her since we broke up. I've also been meaning to talk to her. I kinda want to get back together with her—"

"Kinda?" I harshly questioned.

"I miss her, Leigh. Things got hard, but I never wanted to lose her. I wanted to marry that girl, but you know, with everything going on being a new parental guardian, shit got hard."

"How are the kids?" I asked, really missing having talked with River.

"They're alright. They're finally made some friends, adjusted to the new school. I started sending them to therapy to hopefully help them if they have issues with me and don't want to talk, or helping them process losing their parents. I just.. it's been hard, but we're figuring it out."

"That's good." I nodded to myself, my mind reeling at the idea that he wants her back.

"The last I heard she was with you, but you could try asking Monica?" River suggested and I groaned.

Monica and I never got along. She didn't like me very much. Just another name to the list.

"She might be your only bet, Leigh." River reminded me.

"I don't even know if Aaliyah would've told her anything. She was kind of a shell of a person the last time I saw her. She seemed like she wanted nothing from me, and I just... do you think she would've gone to Monica?"

"It's worth trying."

"But.. if her sister doesn't know anything, I don't want to worry her, you know? I don't even know how close they are anymore. I also want to fix things with Aaliyah, and I'm only going to dig my grave further if I include her sister in her business when she doesn't want Monica to know."

"I don't know what else to tell you Leighton, she won't answer my calls either. I think I've lost her for good, and I'm kicking myself because of it. I really had something good, and I couldn't even keep it."

"You can't beat yourself up, River. You had a huge life change. You got up and moved across the country. We're all just doing our best." I reminded him.

"Yeah.., thanks Leighton. We should talk more. I've missed your friendship."

"Same. I'll let you know if I figure out where she is. Thanks River." 

My fire was extinguished, and I groaned in my car, going through the motions of driving to Cynthia's to get Gemma, but I still felt determined.

Aaliyah stuck by my side even with all the shit I put her through. The least I can do is return the favor.

I rang Cynthia's doorbell, Nova barking as Logan opened the door, welcoming me into his home with a hug.

I let out a deep breath, collapsing into my brother's chest.

It always felt like home.

"You alright?" He asked, and I nodded against him, squeezing him tighter.

After a few minutes I let go, exhaling a deep breath.

I really needed that.

"You alright?" Logan asked again, eyeing me as he pulled back.

I still can't believe he won't be just a drive away. He's moving to a whole other state, and I knew I was too... but the idea that I can't just drive over and be wrapped in his arms, or hang out with his family like I used to once I got out...

My eyes prickled with tears as I blinked slowly, my eyelashes becoming wet.

"Leigh?"

I gulped down the emotion building in my throat, pulling it together enough to get a few words out, "I'm good. Sorry." I sniffled.

"Leighton.." He sighed, pulling me back into his arms. "Everything okay at home?"

I nodded.

"Everything okay with the baby?"

I nodded again.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked and I shook my head.

I felt a tug at my leggings, my daughter looking up at me as I looked down at her.

"Hi, momma." She waved, a smile breaking out on my face.

"Hi, Gemma." I replied, letting go of my brother to hug my daughter.

"Wanna.. wanna see.. see what I make?" She asked and I smiled at her, nodding.

"I'd love to, bug."

Gemma showed me the artwork her, Harper and Papa worked on, beaming with pride at her little signature in the corner.

"Papa showed me how." She giggled.

"You did such a good job, Gemma." I ran my hand over her hair, pushing it out of her face.

"Momma?"

"Yes?"

"How.. how come.. how come you don't.. don't draw no more?" She asked, looking up at me with her beautiful big blue eyes.

"I just never have the time, baby."

"Why?"

"Momma's got to work, and then take care of you, and the house. There isn't really time for me to sit down and draw, baby."

Her lips pursed and she looked at the table.

"Draw with Papa and I?" She asked, grabbing her coloring book, handing it to me.

"I'd love to baby, but we need to get home. Coco should be home soon with Sam." I reminded her, watching her face light up at the name of her uncle.

Sam was staying over so they could do their merch photoshoots and team meetings this week together, Kat having come with, but I guess she was going to go see her friends, instead of hanging out at our place.

Shocker.

"LET'S GO!" Gemma yelled, speed racing out of the dinning room to collect her things.

"Gemma Lorraine! Come clean up your mess!" I called out, not wanting her to leave my brothers house a disaster.

Good lord knows this kid can be a walking dumpster fire if she wanted to. I swear if I stepped on one more Barbie shoe I was throwing them all away.

"Momma, see Sam and Coco!" 

"Once you clean up your mess."

Apparently seeing Uncle Sam was enough motivation to get her to clean up her mess in a giffy and get her tiny hinny in the car without causing me a migraine.

Gemma couldn't contain herself as I unbuckled the clips, letting her bolt out of the car to the elevator, impatiently waiting for me to waddle over to her.

I swear she was on a sugar high based on the energy she couldn't contain as she ran down the apartment hallway, yet again waiting impatiently for me to unlock the door.

"Hurry mommy!" She exclaimed, rocking on her feet as she waited.

With a twisted key in the bolt, Gemma rushed through yelling "Coco! Sammy!" throughout the apartment before returning to me with a confusing glance.

"Where go?" She asked.

"Where did they go." I corrected, Gemma nodding.

"I dunno!" She replied, looking around with a furrowed brow.

"No, baby. The question is: Where did they go. Can you say that? Where did they go." I tried, reminding myself to look at what kind of speech classes there were around here.

We've been trying our best to work on her stutter, and talking in third person, but my string was starting to reach its end. She'd be going into Kindergarten next year, and she sometimes still talked like she was a two year old. I knew every kid took their time, but I didn't want her to be behind, or god forbid get made fun of. I at least wanted to dot my I's and cross my T's with everything I can do to help her. I felt like a failure knowing she isn't where she should be by now. Like I was already letting her down, and ruining her chance at success. No matter what age. 

"Where did.. dey go?" Gemma copied slowly, watching me.

A smile broke out on my face, nodding, her own smile beaming.

"I did it?"

"You did it, bug. Where did they go."

"Where did they go?"

"Where did they go." I nodded, grinning now.

"Where did they go!" She matched my own grin now, a giddy energy radiating off of her.

"I don't know, baby. Should we call them?"

Gemma nodded, letting me unlock my phone and call Colby. We waited, and waited, yet there was no answer, so we tried Sam, who answered right before the phone hung up.

"Hello?" Sam answered, and I nodded supportively towards Gemma.

"Hi!" Gemma's tiny voice replied.

"G? Hi!" Sam's mood noticeably alters to a peppier, happier to hear from my daughter.

"Where go? Gem came home, no Sammy or..or..  or Coco?" 

"Coco and I are working, G."

"Oh."

Sam chuckled.

"We'll be home after your bath, right before bed, okay?" Sam told her, which I found weird considering Colby told me they'd be home around 4, and it was currently pushing 5pm, reminding me that I needed to get dinner started.

"Otay." Gemma replied, sighing hopelessly, making me chuckle.

"Okay." Sam laughed. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Otay." She sighed longingly again.

They said their goodbyes and Gemma's giddy spirit was now in the dirt as her shoulders sagged.

"Want to help me make dinner?" I questioned, watching the light come back to her beautiful blue eyes.

G dragged her stool to the counter, letting me wash her hands and pull her shoulder blade length hair up, rolling her sleeves to her elbows before helping me pour different ingredients into our glass bowl.

With our sauce simmering, I let Gemma help bread the chicken before I sent her on her way so I could fry it.

I plated the chicken parmesan, cut up Gemma's plate, and set it on the table before calling her for dinner.

"Coco not home." Gemma grumbled, sitting down on the chair.

"Water or milk?" I asked G, holding her cup.

"Juice?"

"Not this late, sorry baby."

"Why?"

"Because it has sugars in it that'll give your teeth ows and make you run all over the place and you need to sleep. Can you not fight me on this, baby? Milk or water?"

"Yummy water?"

I sighed, filling her cup and finding one of my flavor packets, sprinkling a little into her cup, knowing this probably has the same amount of sugar as the juice does, before dumping the rest of it into a water glass of my own.

With a quick stir, I sat it down in front of her, taking my own glass with me as I joined her.

 Life looked like this a lot lately. 

Just Gemma and I sitting at the dinner table, talking about our day and our plans for tomorrow, except tonight, Gemma surprised me by bringing up the baby.

"When baby come home?" She asked, stabbing a piece of chicken and awkwardly shoving it in her mouth.

"The baby will come when she wants to come, bug. She should be here around April. Do you know when April is?" I asked, Gemma's head shaking.

I got up, grabbing the calendar that was on the fridge, placing it on the table to show her.

"So this is today" I pointed to the calendar. "You see this word?" I asked, pointing to where it read January, Gemma nodded. "It's currently January. Can you say January?"

"January." She answered slowly, earning praise.

"And what number is this?"

"FIVE!" She yelled out, holding her palm out, showing her five fingers. 

"That's right. It's January 5th. Do you remember your months? January.. Feb..." I trailed off, waiting for her to finish.

"February!" She replied, a smile breaking out on my face.

"Mar.."

"March!"

"What comes after March? Ap.."

"April!" 

"So how many months is that? January.." I held up a finger, "February" another finger, "March" Another finger, "April" I showed her my hand, letting her eyes count before she yelled, "Four!"

"So baby sister will be here in 4 months."

"What's dat?" Gemma asked, pointing to the Calendar where it read "Colby's Birthday"

"That's Coco's birthday. What number is that?"

"Two!"

"That's correct. Colby's birthday is January 2nd. Remember how we made him a cake? And you gave him his presents?" I asked, jogging up the memory of our very chill birthday celebration.

Gemma nodded, looking down at the calendar. 

"How come.. how come we.. we wait.. four... four months?"

"Because babies take a long time to grow. They have to get big and strong and healthy before they come to meet their older sisters" I smiled at her, my hands resting on my bump.

"Baby my... my sister?" She asked, brow furrowing.

"Yes, Gemma. She's your sister. You'll be a big sister, and have a little sister. Are you excited to have a little sister?" I asked her, taking a drink of my water.

Gemma shrugged.

"Never.. never had one, momma."

I smiled, "I know. Are you going to be nice to the baby?" I asked, voicing one of my biggest fears.

I've always heard about older sibling jealousy, and I was extremely worried that with a four year age gap, going from being an only child, to having to share everything, including our attention, would create some behavior issues.

Gemma nodded, taking another bite of chicken, chewing with her mouth closed until I reprimanded her, reminding her of her manners. 

She began to ask me about hanging out with Noel when the door opened, in walking Sam and Colby.

"Coco!" Gemma rushed off her chair, Colby quickly catching her, tossing her into the air before kissing her cheek, saying hello. "You're home!" She giggled.

"Have you had a good day?"

Gemma nodded, Colby handing her off to Sam before kicking off his shoes, coming over to give me a quick kiss, noticing dinner on the table and apologizing for being late.

"You might need to warm it up a little." I warned him, Colby dishing his own plate as Gemma climbed back on her chair.

"Is Katrina not coming?" I asked, unsure if she was completely avoiding me.

"Her and Stas are meeting up for drinks tonight, I'm meeting up with them when she goes to bed." He nodded towards Gemma, myself nodding as I finished my meal. 

I started to buss the dishes when Colby stopped me, grabbing my hand.

"I'll get it."

I got G ready for bed, Sam reading her a bedtime story before bidding us a goodbye as he left to meet up with his friends.

I watched the hall light flick off before the bedroom door opened.

"You were gone awhile." I stated, looking back down at my laptop, viewing different house listings in Minnesota.

"Things went longer than expected." He replied, tugging his shirt off, tossing it in the hamper along with his jeans. "I'm going to take a quick shower." He told me, wandering back down the hall, leaving the door open.

My eyes rolled as I kept scrolling, Colby reappearing in a towel 10 minutes later.

"You're pissed." He said, the sound of the towel hitting the hamper catching my attention, Colby fixing the waistband of his boxers.

"I'm pissed." I nodded in agreement.

"About me being late?"

"Mhm."

"It really did go longer than expected." He sighed, plugging his phone in and taking a seat on our bed.

"You didn't answer when I called, and I know I need to loosen up because there's a million reasons, but what if it was the baby? What if someone was hurt? What if it was more than just you being late for dinner?"

"I'm sorry I was late."

"You know, I'm going to need you to actually be here when you say you're going to when this baby gets here. I need to be able to count on you, and if you can't be, or won't be, I need you to tell me. I don't think that's too much to ask, Colby."

"I promise I'll be better. I was just caught up."

I decided to let it go, leaning back against the pillows, grumbling when I could no longer see my laptop due to my bump.

"Never get me pregnant again." I huffed, sitting back up, struggling to readjust my pillows, Colby silently helping me before continuing to scroll through his phone. 

"Thank you." I sighed, relieving the pressure in my back as I sunk into the pillows. "Have you heard from the realtor?"

"I can check."

Silence fell between us when I heard his charger hit the floor, Colby leaning closer towards me, showing me his phone, and email open.

My brow furrowed as I scanned in, waiting to see the "Sorry you haven't been chosen." when my eyes widened and my heart began to pound.

"We got in? They accepted us?" I asked, taking his phone from him, reading the email again.

"They want to meet with us, but so far, yes. We've been accepted."

"Oh my god! That's great! When can we book a flight? Shit, I need to take time off with work—"

"I don't understand why you don't just quit. We're leaving anyway." Colby interrupted.

"Because we need the money."

"We don't. I have us covered, you just won't let me. You don't have to work right now, Leighton; and I hope you know you won't be working for a while once the baby is born."

"So what, my life gets put on hold because I'm carrying your kid?"

"Don't do this, Leighton. Not tonight. Please. Let us be happy. We got in." He sighed, mental wear showing on his face.

"I'd love to be happy, but you're trying to be controlling! I can work if I want to." I argued.

"Yes, you can, but we're about to have a newborn, and a toddler. That's a lot. You mentioned wanting to go back to school too. I'm not saying you can never work again, but maybe take some time off. Let's get through the pregnancy, the move, the newborn stage, and then regroup." He suggested, my lips pursing.

"Okay. I'm sorry for getting upset." I gave in, agreeing that I didn't want to blow up tonight.

"It's alright. You know I love you, right? I just want you safe, and happy, and the both of you healthy." Colby's hand rested against my stomach, rubbing softly.

"I love you too."

Colby scooched down the bed, pressing his lips against the fabric covering my stomach.

"I love you too little one" He murmured, pressing a few kisses before moving back up and kissing me as well. "Here's to a new adventure. I'll book the flights, you put in your two week notice, deal?"

"Deal."

~

"It's not perfect, but it'll work." I voiced, opening the door to our future nursery.

"It's just a small step to forever, remember. We rent this place, we find land, we build our dream house and move into our forever home." Colby said behind me as I opened the closet doors.

The house was old.

Don't get it twisted, it wasn't ancient, but it was dated.

Everything about it screamed early 2000s.

It was far from either of our styles, but it was safe, it was available, and they said yes to a move in date by early February, meaning we needed to get a move on moving.

We both signed the lease, confirming our move in date to be February 12th and I immediately felt the stress breathing down my neck.

A little over a month to move halfway across the country whilst I'm 6 months pregnant.

What have we gotten ourselves into?

Immediately I knew it was all hands on deck. 

Uncle Garret booked a flight to California so he could drive the UHaul, Aunt Ginger was going to babysit Gemma all month, meaning my daughter wasn't flying back with us. Melissa and Lincoln were flying with us to help us pack. Sam, Kat and Stas were also going to help us which surprised me.

Box after box got loaded and taped shut, shoved into a UHaul, the big slam of the heavy door rattled my bones as we locked it, Uncle Garret giving me the biggest hug before climbing in with Lincoln and waving at us as they started their trek.

Colby's car was packed full to the brim as well, mostly essentials and delicates, like things for the kitchen, bathroom things and some of Gemma's prized possessions.

"Kentucky is not that far." Cynthia reminded me, wrapping me in her arms. 

"I know... it's just... there's a lot's changing. You're not going to be a quick drive away anymore."

"We'll be a phone call away though, and a quick road trip. You're not losing him, Leigh."

"I know. Thank you for helping today." I smiled, hugging her tighter before letting go. "And thank you for keeping my dad until we get a bigger place" I swiped the tears away, blinking a few times. 

"Anything for family, right? Plus, he's good with the kids. Harper likes having him around."

"Hey, I'm heading out with Mel." Colby told me, his hand on my lower back, getting me to turn and look at him. "They're bringing you to the airport right?"

"Yeah. Drive safe and keep me updated, okay?" I gazed up at him, Colby nodding.

"Will do. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Text me when you land, okay?"

"Okay."

He kissed me for a few seconds, patting my ass before waving goodbye to my family and climbing into the car with my cousin.

The original plan was for me to go with Colby, but with how far along I am, and how uncomfortable I've been, a flight would be quicker and somewhat easier on me, leaving me to fly alone from LA to Minneapolis, meet up with Gemma and Aunt Ginger and drive to the new rental.

The only one of my siblings who didn't show up to moving day was Lexi, and honestly? I wasn't surprised. 

I climbed into Landon's car after being dragged off of Cynthia and Logan, him quite literally slamming the door on me and locking the car.

"Got to get you out of there somehow." He teased, starting the car before driving us away, Logan, Cynthia, Harper and my dad waving goodbye.

"How did it work out that you're driving me? You're one of the worst drivers right after Lexi."

"Because I was the only one willing to deal with LAX on a Friday night."

"Well, I appreciate it." 

Landon and I talked about his relationship struggles with Xander and Finley and what's been like navigating a poly relationship, followed by us belting out Taylor Swift together.

"I've missed this." I confessed, resting my head against the headrest as I looked at my brother. "I'm going to miss you. We haven't hung out as much as I would've liked lately, and I apologize. I know we've all been busy, but I really should've put in more effort. I promise, I'll try to call more often and you and your boyfriends are welcome any time. Okay?" I reassured him, Landon nodding, a small smile on his face as we were parked outside of LAX. "I love you. Thank you for driving me."

"I love you too Leighton. Now, go live out your dreams. Get the hell away from LA." He chuckled, letting me pull him into a hug before I grabbed my carry on, telling him I loved him once more.

I looked behind me once more, Landon waving, waiting for me to open the door before driving away.

Here goes nothing.

I crossed the threshold into the airport, all sorts of people crossing my path, shoving me out of the way and harshly talking on phones as I made my way back to check in.

It's been awhile since I've flown alone, and the entire three hour wait, I couldn't help but think about Aaliyah, and how I was leaving her without properly saying goodbye, and telling her I'd also contact her soon.

I wish I knew where to start. Who to talk to. Who would know where she was, but I guess her telling be goodbye truly was our goodbye, no matter how much I wanted to change the narrative, I guess that wasn't my story to end.

I looked out the plane window as we began to take off, saying goodbye to LA one last time.

Off to bigger and better things.

Or so I hoped.

~

"Upstairs, first bedroom off the bathroom." I directed my Uncle as he unloaded the UHaul.

Lincoln and Uncle Garret spent two hours unloading the UHaul whilst I began to unpack Gemma's clothes, hanging them in her closet.

The sun began to set as my family helped put together bed frames, Aunt Ginger making the beds, claiming "You need somewhere warm for your head to rest tonight." Gemma was overly excited about her new pink princess bed sheets my Aunt had bought her.

"What do you think of your room bug?" I asked, tossing another toy into a toy box.

She shrugged.

"It's only for a bit, okay? Coco and I are gonna build our own house and you can design your own room." I promised her, pushing myself up off the ground with a grunt. "Now, let's find some comfy PJ's, get a snack, take a bath, and get ready for bed."

Gemma sat on the floor in front of me as I brushed her hair, watching a movie on my phone when Colby and Melissa finally made it.

"Coco!" Gemma bolted to her feet, not giving me room to demand she stay put since we were almost done before bolting into his arms.

"Gemma! Come finish brushing your hair please" I called out, Colby giving her a kiss before carrying her back to me, plopping her on the couch.

"You guys have been busy." He commented, looking around at the furniture.

The couch was here, the TV was here, on the TV stand, ready to be hooked up. Our dining table was put in the middle of the tile right off our small kitchen.

"Beds are together too." I told him, Colby leaned down to kiss me.

"Drive go okay?" I asked, kissing him again, letting it linger for a few seconds before he replied.

"Between you and me, I'm happy I'm home." He chuckled quietly in my ear, kissing my cheek.

"That bad huh?" 

"I'm glad I'm marrying the right cousin, that's all." He grinned, kissing me again before telling Gemma to let me finish her hair whilst he unpacked the car.

Once Gemma was tucked away in her bed, her door left open, the hall light on as requested, Colby got started putting our clothes away whilst Aunt Ginger, Melissa and I started to unpack the kitchen, Uncle Garret and Lincoln hooking up the TV.

"I can't believe you're finally here. It's felt like years since you've mentioned moving back home." Aunt Ginger said, placing cooking utensils into a holder next to the stove.

"I'm just grateful I'm here before this baby decides to show up." I sighed, washing another plate, adding it to the cupboard.

"It feels good to have you home, hon."

"Feels good to be home. Feels like a breath of fresh air." I confessed, Aunt Ginger squeezing me in a hug from behind, placing a smooch against my cheek, surely leaving red lipstick residue that I didn't bother to wipe away.

Everyone said goodnight around 11, telling me they'd be back tomorrow to help us finish, claiming we needed a good night's rest.

"Oh I could orgasm right now." I groaned, every muscle relaxing into the mattress.

"I could make that happen if you'd like." Colby smirked.

"Too tired." I groaned.

"You're going to regret laying down before changing." He laughed, grabbing my hands and tugging me upwards. "Come on Up you go." He groaned, earning a glare.

"I know you're not groaning from my weight, Cole."

"Of course not. It's been a long day. A lot of heavy boxes." He replied.

"Mhm." I hummed, my eyes falling shut.

"Come on, lets get you into something more comfy. I'm thinking fuzzy PJ pants. A nice comfy lose shirt. No bra." he listed off, the sound of a drawer opening and closing as I moaned to the thought.

"No bra sounds great. My boobs are so sore." I sighed, stripping my shirt off, my bra following suit.

"As much as I don't want to lose sight of this, it's fucking cold out." Colby commented, tossing me a comfy shirt.

"Well Mr. Brock. Welcome to the first night in our new temporary home." I grinned, yanking my fuzzy pajama pants up my thick thighs. 

"You as well Future Mrs. Brock." 

"I'm never leaving this bed, I hope you know that." I warned, yanking the covers back and welcoming the flannel bedding with open arms. 

"I think your bladder will say differently."

"Can you believe we're in a cold enough place to use flannel bed sheets?" 

"Can you believe I'll have to deal with snow removal?"

"We could hire someone." I suggested. 

"We could. Or. I could go rogue with a snowblower."

"Do they not handle the snow?"

"Nope. Just the lawns."

"Damn." 

Laying in our new temporary home that night felt weird.

Colby fell asleep pretty quickly, snoring in my ear as I laid there, staring at the ceiling.

I could feel Lennon moving, my hands racing where the movement came from, trying to imagine life with a newborn again.

I knew life was different. Not only was I now in Minnesota, and I have a toddler, but I'm sober. I'm in a partnership with the baby daddy. It seemed like it would be smooth sailing here on out; just there was this itch I couldn't scratch.

I carefully got out of bed, my hand resting on my belly as I wandered down the hall to the future nursery.

I paced the room for a moment, running my hand over the textured walls, opening and closing the wooden closet doors.

This was my baby's room. 

It felt weird.

Like we were somewhere we shouldn't be.

This wasn't our home.

I sat down on the floor, my back against the wall as I looked around the bare room, trying to imagine which wall the crib would lay against.

Life's changed so much in the past 5 years. 

After a few moments, I carefully got up off the floor, went to the bathroom before laying back in bed, Colby still sound asleep.

This had to be home. For now. And that was okay. Right?

Sleep pulled me under, only to be yanked right out after what only felt like a few minutes, my phone blaring.

"Hello?" I sighed into the phone, not bothering to check the time.

"Leighton?" A sniffled voice spoke, causing my heart to race.

"Monica?"

* * * *  I restarted this chapter lolol - June 5th 2024

I got writers block lolol + I've been distracted with life - July 26th 2024

I wrote most of this in one sitting lol - August 12th 2024

Written on: May 21st, June 5th, July 26th, August 12th, 14th 2024

Published: August 14th 2024

Word Count: 5032

Part Twenty Six - Coming Soon

[britswriting]

Devotion (24)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

T/W: Talk of addiction, brief mention of pet loss

*Colby's POV*

Approaching Leighton's first Christmas without her mother was taking a toll on her. She was doing her best to save face, but I caught her crying a few times whilst we got ready to make the trek to my parents house.

The three of us made it to the car, Gemma having pushed each elevator button before yanking open the car door, climbing up and into her carseat by herself; once again showing her independence.

I slammed the trunk shut hearing Leighton and Gemma bicker back and force about who was going to clip her car seat buckles; Leighton typically letting G do it herself, but the other day Gemma got her skin stuck between the buckle and wailed for a good 20 minutes, resulting in Leighton also crying.

"Babe, if you don't let her do it, she'll just cry the first fifteen minutes into the drive" I tried, the longer we stood here, arguing witha four year old, the longer it would take us to get to Arizona.

"But if I let her do it, she'll get her fingers caught again" Leighton snapped back, Gemma huffing and shoving at her mother's hands.

"No I won't!" Gemma argued back.

"Gemma, do you promise to be careful?" I asked, peaking over Leighton's shoulder, the blonde toddler on the verge of crying or screaming, or both.

"Yes!" She whined, her tears threatening to fall.

"Leighton, just let her do it" I started to argue, wanting to get the show on the road already.

"I don't want her hurting herself, Colby" Leighton argued back.

"Baby, it was one time" I sighed, Leighton glaring at me before shoving me out of her way, walking around the car.

My head hung low for a second, my arms sprawled across the top of the car as my muscles flexed from the added weight of my body falling forward. 

"I do it Coco" Gemma whispered roughly.

"I know bug, put your hands here," I motioned towards the edges of the clip, away from where they'd meet, "And push. Keep your fingers away from here" I circled my finger away from where it'd clasp.

"Like dis?" She asked, tilting her head to look at me, myself nodding, Gemma pushing the clips together till they intertwined, snapping, a smile spreading across her face. "Good job, Gemma" I smiled, pressing a kiss on top of her head before adjusting the straps to fit better on her chest, checking that the clip was clasped correctly before handing her a bag of Goldfish and her juice.

One meltdown averted, another to conquer.

I shut the driver's side door, turning the key in the ignition before looking at Leighton, turning on Harry Styles' self-titled album for Gemma, one Aaliyah used to constantly play for her.

The quiet sniffle caught my attention, Leighton's head pressed against the window with her eyes closed, my hand caught her thigh, giving a little squeeze, getting her to look at me.

"Why are you crying?" I asked softly, backing out of the parking space before the toddler began to get antsy.

"I'm sorry for being a bitch" She mumbled, wiping at her face.

"You weren't being a bitch for not wanting her to be safe" I reassured her.

"I could've had more patience. I don't even know what's happening to me anymore" She let out a deep breath, sniffling again.

"We always joked that pregnant you was a monster" I teased, Leighton's head falling back against the window.

Shit.

An hour into the car ride of silence, well, other than Gemma screaming Woman to herself, my eyes catching her wiggling in her car seat as she danced, Leighton finally cracked out of her self pity party, conversing with me for the next hour or so before we had to stop for a potty break.

I chuckled when I noticed the bag Leighton was carrying seemed fairly heavy, Gemma crawling back into her seat, immediately asking for the donuts they had bought.

Leighton clipped her whilst Gemma was distracted with the donuts before climbing into the passenger seat, offering me the choice between apple juice and orange juice.

"Which do you want?" I asked, knowing this was a trick question; I had a 50/50 shot of taking the one Leighton secretly wanted, and I wanted to avoid as many meltdowns as I could this trip.

"I was a bitch earlier, you get to pick" She thrusted both drinks at me.

"And I know that you're secretly wanting one, and not the other. I don't care which one, babe" I smirked at her, Leighton rolling her eyes and handing me the Orange Juice. "Was I right?" I questioned.

"Shut up and drive Colby" She huffed, twisting open the Apple Juice.

I snickered.

"Ready to go bug?" I checked in, Gemma yelling in approval.

Half hour into the drive, Gemma was knocked out cold, Leighton scrolling through different baby names.

"So many sound good with Lennon" She groaned, having already listed off: Rose, Faith, Iris, Cathleen, and my personal favorite, Lennon Jolene.

"I don't like Jolene, Colby"

"Why not? Are you the one that is supposed to like country or whatever?"

"Me?!" She gasped, "You're the one with the so-called country song, plus, you're the one that wants our daughter to have a Dolly Parton song for her middle name."

"It's pretty" I argued.

 "Lennon Rose is prettier" She argued back, "Plus, you got to pick the first name. I get the middle name this time" 

"What? That's not how it worked for Gemma" 

"You're right. For G, I picked her name all on my own, and you see how well that worked out for me" She grumbled.

"What do you mean?" I eyed her.

"I named her after Katrina, and Kat and I don't get along. I thought I was going to like, bond my kid for life you know? Let her have a piece of you guys in her, and now look" She huffed.

"Gemma Lorraine is still a beautiful name, no matter where she got it. Plus, she has your mom's name, and that's pretty special" I smiled at her, Leighton matching my look, nodding.

"Yeah. I just.. I want some sort of tie to someone with the name, but I'm also too afraid to have a repeat like that"

"I still don't understand what exactly happened between you two" I sighed, leaning back into the seat.

"Nothing really happened... it's just.. I feel like she only wants to be my friend to hang out with Gemma, and won't admit it. Plus, we butt heads or whatever. Speaking of, I was talking in therapy about being selfish" that caught my attention, "and don't you lie. I know I am. Lindsay— my therapist, was talking about some reasons it may seem like I am, or whatever. I'm trying to fix it, like, settling and compromising more, she was saying it could have to do with feeling so alone all the time when I was younger, and how having a partnership is an adjustment; we're working on it. With Christmas coming up, I was thinking about everyone, like my family, Aaliyah, your family, Gemma's friends and Gemma's dad and doing better at compromising and taking turns and shit. Like how Gabe is doing Christmas with G when we get back. I thought there would be more of a fight from him, about not splitting Christmas or whatever now that he's home and she's not so codependent on me, but I think with med school, he's appreciating the quiet holiday, or maybe he has plans with Chase and Penny or something, I don't know" Leighton rambled.

"Leighton, you're less selfish than you are stubborn. You just want what you want. I wouldn't say your lack of compromise is being selfish. You took into consideration the things I wanted in the house we put an offer on and lost, as you did yours. You didn't want to settle, and there's nothing wrong with that. I still don't think we should settle, I just think renting out a place briefly in Minnesota until we can figure out our situation would be better. That way you can start pretting to have Lennon, and start settling in before we get a whole new baby added into this chaos." I explained.

"It's still so weird saying her name. Feels fake" She smiled softly, looking down at her bump.

"Yeah. I can't believe you're having my baby" I grinned like a lovesick fool, cupping the top of her belly in the palm of my hand, rubbing in a soothing motion, my eyes crinkling when I felt a kick against my palm.

It's crazy how much you can love someone without knowing it.

I thought you only felt that way for your children, but now that I'm in that situation, I definitely felt this way about Gemma before she was even born; then again, someone might argue that Gemma's always been my child, even though she's not biologically.

"What do you think, Lennon? Lennon Rose? Lennon Faith? Lennon Iris? Lennon Cathleen? Lennon..... Lennon... hm... Lennon...."

"Lennon Jolene?" I tossed back in, Leighton's eyes rolling.

"Colby, we can't"

"We could"

"I don't want to, and if I'm having to birth the kid, I think I get to veto some things"

"Lennon Catharine?" Leighton continued. "Nothing is sparking me. Like, how with G, you just knew. Like you did with Lennon. Once you say it, or think it, you just know. None of these feel right" She groaned, poking her stomach, 'What are you baby girl? Hm?" 

"Lennon Jolene" I mumbled under my breath, looking away from Leighton.

"Do you really want to?" She sighed, catching my attention.

"Baby, no" I chuckled, "I don't think that one is her name either, I just like messing with you"

"You suck"

"Tell me where and I will" I smirked, Leighton's lips parting from shock.

"Cole! There is a four year old right there!" She reprimanded, her head motioning behind her.

"She's asleep" I waved off.

~

I pulled into my parents driveway, both Leighton and Gemma out cold, making it easier for me to start unloading the car, greeting my mother as I carried in our bags.

"How was the drive?" She asked, taking a bag from me and walking down the hall towards the guest room.

"Was alright. They were both troops, all things considered. I will warn you, Leighton's been having a lot of back pain lately and it makes her kind of grumpy, so please, play nice" I begged, not needing World War Three on Christmas.

"Back pain? Is she and the baby all right?" Mom questioned, worry written on her face.

"They're fine. Pregnancy is just hard on Leighton's body, so if you catch her sitting, or napping or something, don't be too hard on her, please" I sighed, voicing the fears Leighton had voiced to me in the car, whilst complaining about her back pain telling me "I need to get all my complaints out before we get to your moms" then falling asleep not long after once the heated seats went into effect. 

"Why would I get mad at her? I do remember what it was like to carry your and Gage's big bodies" She teased, getting a chuckle out of me.

Whilst transferring Gemma out of the carseat and into my arms, Leighton awoke, getting out of the car to stretch and then swiftly making a mad dash towards the bathroom, flipping me off when I laughed, carrying a knocked out toddler in my arms to the guest room.

I walked past the bathroom door, when I felt my phone buzz.

Entering the kitchen, my mom already asking me something, I read;

Sunshine ☀️: Can you come to the bathroom please? I need your help

Getting flashbacks, I snickered and excused myself, knocking on the bathroom door.

"Leighton? It's me"

"It's uh, locked.."

"Can you unlock it?" I asked the stupid question.

"I can't"

"Whynot?" 

"I can't get up. Every time I try, my back pinches and it sends shooting pain down my spine and I need help" She gruffly replied. "I wiped, and I think I pulled something or something"

"Alright, one second" I called, walking back to my mom.

"Hey, do you have a spare key to the bathroom?" I asked her.

"Yeah, why?"

"Leighton needs help and can't get the door open" I explained, my mom's brow furrowing.

"Is something wrong with the lock? It was working fine this morning"

"No, nothings wrong with the lock" I grimaced, Leighton going to murder me with her cold dead hands if she found out what I was saying next, "Leighton just needs my help getting up, due to her back pain" I explained, my mom's eyes widening before she nodded.

With the key in hand, I let myself in, shutting the door behind me.

"Whew, it smells in here" I joked, her eyes glaring at me.

"I peed you asshole" Leighton hissed, "Can you help me please?"

"Don't need me to wipe your ass again? If I recall, that was a good bonding experience" I teased, Leighton's eyes rolling.

"Please just help me. I don't need to wound up in the ER again"

"How do you want me to help you?"

"Um... I don't know if it would be better for you to let me push off your shoulders, or if you picked me up.."

"Let's try the shoulder thing so we can go at your pace" I crouched in front of her, Leighton's hands bracing on my shoulders.

"Your daughter has been a pain in my ass this whole pregnancy" She grumbled, starting to push up, a death grip on my shoulders as my hands found her waist, ready to catch her if something happened. "Goooooood" She groaned, hissing in pain as she inched up, "This is so embarrassing"

"Why is it embarrassing? You're in pain, Leighton"

"I know" She voice wavered, "I'm tired of being in pain" She sniffled, her face scrunching up as she straightened her spine, "Motherfucker" She hissed under her breath, my own face wincing slightly due to the pressure of her hands on my shoulders, clutching for dear life.

"You're almost there" I encouraged, Leighton swearing under her breath until she was upright, tears streaming down her face. 

"I can't even pee on my own now. I was fine until I wiped, I don't know what happened" She cried, leaning into my shoulder, hiding her face.

"Four more months and then it's all done, you're doing so well. I'm so proud of you, you know that? I know it's been hard between the back pain, the morning sickness and the mood swings, but you're so beautiful and you're handling it a hell of a lot better than I would've. I'm so damn proud of you Leighton Rae. Now let's get you some pain medication, and do you want ice or heat?"

"Heat"

I pulled up her pants, smacking her ass before helping her to sit down on the couch with a heating pad and pain reliever.

Mom conversed with us for about an hour until we heard Gemma crying for Leighton and I.

"What's wrong, bug?" I asked, moving to sit on the bed.

"I woke.. woke.. alone.. and.. didn't.. didn't.. know.. know.. where.. where.. we... we... we were" She cried, crawling into my arms, wetting my shirt with her alligator tears.

"We're at my moms house. bug. I carried you in whilst you were asleep so you could keep sleeping, I'm sorry you work up scared. I have a question for you" I asked softly.

"Hm?"

"Would ice cream make you feel better? I think my mom has some in the freezer"

"Strawbwerry?" She asked, her head poking up.

"I don't, should we go look? Would that make you feel better? Then maybe we can go play outside when my dad gets home?" 

Her wet face quickly dried as she followed me to the kitchen, helping me get out a bowl and scoop.

"You got Neapolitan, Vanilla, and Moose Tracks" I pulled all three out, showing her the pictures, 

"Strawbwerry?" She asked, standing on her tiptoes, her fingers grasping the kitchen counter as she peered to see.

"There's some in this one" I pointed at the Neapolitan, "It also has vanilla and chocolate and they're all mixed together like this" I took the cover over, showing her.

"Can we add spwrinkles?" She asked, looking up at me with a mischievous gleam in her eye.

"If we have sprinkles then sure." I chuckled, "You want this one?" I confirmed, Gemma nodding.

I put the other two back, scooping out some ice cream and stifling through the cabinets before finding some sprinkles.

"I do it!" Gemma declared, making grabby hands towards the container.

I passed it to her, crouching with the bowl, watching her put what one would describe as, too many sprinkles, before happily taking the bowl and spoon to the table, digging in.

I put the sprinkles back before asking, "Feeling better?" chuckling to myself when she nodded enthusiastically.

~

Christmas Eve was very laid back. Leighton's pain subsided last night enough to sleep, and she woke up feeling better, so we were taking it slow today as my dad and I met Gage at the park with Gemma, Gemma's squeal making a flock of birds flee as she spotted my brothers Black Labrador Puppy.

"Puppy!" She yelled, running towards the dog with glee.

"Slow, G!" I reminded her, watching her little legs start to slow as Gage's dog pulled on the leash, yapping with its tail tagging a thousand miles an hour.

"This is Gunnar" Gage introduced, scooping the dog up so he didn't jump on Gemma.

"Be gentle" I warned Gemma, Gemma carefully petting the dog's head. "I didn't know you'd gotten a dog" I spoke up, my dad petting Gunnar along with my daughter.

"We got him maybe three days ago? Jen's been wanting a dog for a while" Gage informed me, Jennifer and Gage having been together a few years now, only recently getting engaged about a month or so ago.

I've only met Jen once or twice, due to her work schedule, so I was surprised when I saw her approaching the group, a water bottle and bowl in one hand, a ball in another.

"Hey, Jen" I greeted Gemma, looking up at the woman she'd never seen before.

"Hey, Colby! Is this your daughter?" She asked, nodding towards Gemma, and before I could reply, Gage beat me to it shaking his head.

"Leighton is still pregnant with Colby's daughter. This is Gemma, Leighton's daughter" 

Jennifer's eyes widened, "Oh, I'm sorry!"

"Don't be" I chuckled, rubbing my hand on Gemma's head, G swatting it away, telling me to stop as I continued, "This one's as much of mine as the new one will be" I grinned, taking my hand of Gemma's now staticy hair, her scowl making me fake pout as she tried to fix her hair.

"Awe, that's sweet! Hi Gemma, I'm Jen, Gage's soon to be wife" She introduced herself.

"Soon to be?" G questioned, her head tilting to look at me.

"They're going to get married soon, until they're married, she can't claim to be his wife yet. Kinda like aunt Kat and Uncle Sam, or mommy and I" I explained to her, Gemma nodding slowly; I could see the wheels turning in her head.

"I Gemma. Hi!" She grinned, bouncing on her feet. "I pway with puppy?" She questioned, her eyes fixated on the wiggly dog.

"You want to throw the ball for him? I was going to whilst you and Gage played, but if you want to, that'd be great" Jen smiled, offering the ball to the toddler, Gunnar trying his damndest to get out of my brother's arms, ready to run for the ball.

Gemma ran off with the ball, the puppy hot on her heels as us adults watched them play, Gage clicker training Gunnar each time he brought the ball back.

"Where's Leigh? I haven't met her yet" Jen asked, pulling sunglasses down onto her face, the slight breeze tossing strands of dark hair into her face, ending in Jennifer tossing her hair into a ponytail; clearly fed up.

"She's back home resting, her backs been giving her grief for a while"

"Does she typically have back problems?"

"We think it's just a pregnancy thing" I commented back, shrugging slightly.

"Hm. I just didn't know if she had chronic back pain or something"

"I don't think so"

"Well, tell her I hope she feels better and hopefully we can meet sometime. I'm hoping to be there for Christmas, but we'll see with the newest addition to the family" She chuckled.

"Mom's got a yard" I noted, Jen nodding.

"Fenced too" Dad chimed in.

I could see the longing in my dad's eyes as he watched the four year old play with the puppy, our childhood pets having died about six months ago.

"I don't know, we'll see. Gunnar's cute and all, but he's kind of destructive and I don't need to be on your moms bad side cus he chewed something up or peed on her rug or something"

"Please" Dad scoffed, "We raised boys"

"You peed on the rug?" she laughed at me, a smile overtaking my face as I nodded towards my brother crouched next to my daughter, teaching her how to throw the ball further.

"I'm sure he probably has"

The entire walk back to my parents house, Gemma was completely enamored by that dog.

"Please Coco?" She whined, tugging at my shirt.

"Not right now, bug. You've got a little sister on the way. We don't need a puppy right now" I sighed, knowing we won't be hearing the end of this.

It's been about a month since she brought it up, Leighton and I purposefully not putting on shows with dogs in them, but of course, Gage had to dingle her biggest life desire right under her nose.

Gemma just about cried as we walked through the front door, telling me that she'll take the dog potty, and feed it, and play with it; me knowing damn well she's too young for that kind of responsibility, and Leighton would murder me if I came home with another responsibility, especially since we're trying to move halfway across the country by the New Year.

Gemma blabbed all about the dog to my mom and Leighton, Leighton reminding her that we do not have the time to care for a dog right now, ending up in a full blown meltdown in the living room, and when we tried to calm her down, she hit Leighton, wounding her up in a timeout where she screamed and cried for a few minutes until she calmed down and Leighton left to go talk to her.

"Think she'll adjust to a sister pretty quickly? Mom asked, dad already in the pack preparing the grill.

"I hope so. She doesn't talk that much about the baby, and I don't know if that's just her not understanding, or her in denial. Whenever we bring her up, she seems fine, but" I stopped talking, shrugging.

"Are you ready to become a dad?" Mom asked.

"I already am"

"It's a bit different" She commented back, my eyes narrowing slightly.

"How? I knew of Gemma since she was in Leighton's stomach, I was at the birth, I helped out when she was a baby; I live with them now. Gemma is very much my child as our baby girl will be" I defended my family, my mom's lips twisting slightly.

"But this one will be your flesh and blood. The feelings a little different"

"I don't think so mom" I shook my head. "I can't imagine treating G differently just because she's half of my wife, and half of another guy. My love for that little girl is like something I've never known"

"That's what I'm saying, Cole. Your love for your baby will be different. You'll look at that baby and know she's 100 percent yours. You do love Gemma, I know. I'm just saying it'll be a little different"

"Doesn't change the fact that they're both my kids," I said firmly. "I.. do you not think of them as your family?" I asked the hard question before it could bounce around in my head too long.

"What?" She asked, sounding surprised.

"Leighton and Gemma. Do you not picture them as your family?"

"Of course I see Leighton as my family, she's carrying my grandbaby" Mom replied.

"And Gemma?"

My heart started to pound as my mom stayed silent for a minute too long.

"It's just... it's weird, Cole" She said, my daggers landing directly on her.

"Weird how?"

"I don't know how else to say this, but there's a bit of a detachment there. I know she's Leighton's child. She has her own set of grandparents—"

"And that matters because?" I interrupted, feeling my blood start to boil; having to remind myself that this was my mother, and that I needed to take a few deep breaths.

"I just haven't spent enough time with her yet to feel grandmotherly towards her. She kinda feels like when one of you boys had a friend over. Like obviously I care about her..... but... if you had a falling out... I wouldn't be heartbroken" 

My jaw clenched.

She wouldn't be heartbroken?!

"Gemma is my daughter as much as the baby in my future wife's stomach. That is my family now, and you need to respect both of my children." I stood my ground, my shoulders broadening out as I straightened my spine, ready to square up with my own mother.

"You and Leighton have always been so on and off, Cole" She tried to defend herself, my tongue coming out to wet my lips.

"And there is now a ring around her finger—"

"Which has disappeared once, if not twice." Mom argued.

She's your mother. She's your mother. She's your mother.

I inhale, exhale, inhale again, exhale once more before asking in a calmer tone, "Why have you never liked her?" 

"I already told you I didn't want you dating someone who was an addict—" She started to repeat the spiel I've heard one too many times over the years.

"I'm an addict mom" My voice cracked, my eyes starting to sting, but I sniffled, swallowing the lump forming in my throat and taking another deep breath through my nose, fixing my posture once again.

"What?"

"I'm an addict mom" I repeated.

"No, I heard you" her voice became rough, "An addict of what? Drugs? Cole Robert—"

"No, not drugs. Alcohol" I corrected, watching the confusion fall over her face.

"Alcohol? You've never had an alcohol problem" 

"That you know of" 

I watched fifteen different emotions contort on her face one by one, the words processing rapidly in her head.

"I told you dating her was bad!" Mom spat out first, my nostrils flaring as I took another deep breath.

She's your mother. She's your mother. She's your mother.

"Leighton is not to blame" I spoke tightly, "I am not a diagnosed alcoholic, but I did have alcohol issues that almost tore my family apart.  I'm only telling you this so you understand that we both have problems. Leighton might be a diagnosed drug addict, and also struggle with alcohol, but she's not the only one who has had issues. If you're so scared of me dating an addict, then you should have the same feelings for her about me" I argued.

"You're having issues?" Mom's voice softened.

"Had mom. Had issues. Well.. they're still here, but I'm medicated, I'm doing the work, just like Leighton is, and has been. I honestly think I'd probably be dead right now if it wasn't for that woman, and it kills me to know you think that way about my family; about her. You and dad have had your ups and downs too. It's normal, and being an addict is hard, and it's a constant battle every single day, but she's never once done anything to deserve the coldness you give her, even when you're trying to be nice, and if having a drug issue in her history is something that bothers you, than you should know that I don't drink anymore. Could I drink and be fine? Sure, but I wasn't last time, and I almost lost my entire future to it; and to be quite frank with you, drinking has only landed me in messy situations." I honestly told her, memories of the club with Chloe flooding through my head, my heart pinching in hurt, as Sam's words rung through my head; "they're thinking about getting lawyers involved, you need to tell her."

"I sowwy Coco!" Gemma ran out saying, her face pressed into my legs, my arms picking her up into my chest.

"For what, bug?"

"For hitting" She cried, her face hiding in the crook of my neck.

"It's okay, bug. Did mommy talk to you?" I asked, Gemma's head nodding, my eyes finding Leighton, her looking between my mom and I, but she nodded. "Do you want to go play outside whilst my dad grills?" I asked, my dad having put in a playground for his, and I quote, "future grandchildren" 

Leighton and I watched Gemma swing, my chest pressed to her back as my hands scooped under her belly, relieving the pressure off her back, Leighton softly asking, "Everything okay between you and your mom? Looked pretty intense."

"I'll tell you later?" I asked, well, told, Leighton turning her neck to attempt to look up at me, eyeing me before nodding, relaxing back against my hold.

All night the tension between my mom and I was pretty high, my dad played oblivious, keeping the peace; Leighton kept eyeing us here and there before focusing on Gemma as she decorated sugar cookies I had gone out and boughten (I bought the premade dough that came in a tube, let Gemma put it on a cookie sheet to bake, and now we were decorating)

"Look at my Santa hat, Gem" I grinned, showing her my hard work.

"It looks silly" She giggled, noting the areas where I had messed up, "Mommy make good hat!" She pointed at Leighton, who, unfairly had very nice looking cookies. 

"Well mommy is actually good at art, bug" I snickered, "Coco isn't"

"I teach you, Coco! Awrt not hard" her head shook.

"Really? You'll teach me? That's so nice, bug. Think I'll be as good as you, mommy and Papa?" I asked, Gemma giggling as her head shook.

"Have... have... haveta twry!" She giggled. 

"Oh trust me, I'll try so hard, bug, you'll see!" I teased, grabbing another cookie. "Here, I'll prove it, what should we decorate this heart with?"

"Me!" Gemma giggled, pointing at herself.

"You?! You want me to draw you on my cookie?" 

"Yesssss!" She squealed, giggling to herself.

"I think that's more of a task for mommy. If I made you, you wouldn't have a nose" I half joked, "and your eyes would be all wonky like this" I made a funny face, one eye squeezed closed as another intended.

Gemma screamed, giggling, "Mommy! Will you makes me pretty pwlease!" Gemma asked loudly.

"I think Coco would do a better job" Leighton smiled at me, setting her beautifully decorated Star aside.

"You suck" I mouthed to her, wanting to kiss that smirk right off her cute face.

"Coco make my eyes all yucky!" Gemma whined, "Peas momma!" 

"I dunno, Gem. I think he's pretty spot on" She teased with a straight tone, humming to herself as she grabbed an offset knife to spread her frosting.

"I not wook wike dat!" She declared, "Gem's eyes not" she paused, making a silly face, trying to copy what I had done, yet failing miserably, making us laugh.

"I don't see a difference, they don't look like what?" I asked, pulling her leg.

She pulled the face again.

"Hm. Do you see a difference mommy?" I asked, moving my own eyes between Leighton and Gemma, G looking like she's ready to smack me.

"I don't, da—Coco" Leighton caught herself, her cheeks becoming pink.

"Not nice!" Gemma whined, "I not all silly looking!" She whined.

"What do you mean? I think you look pretty silly right now" I snickered, Gemma scowling.

"Why not makes me?" she asked, "pwease momma" she asked softly, "I wanna see!" 

"How 'bout Coco and I both make you, and we'll see who's better?" Leighton suggested. "Do you want to make yourself?" She asked, Gemma's lips pursing, shaking her head.

"I make.. I make.. Gunnar!" 

Leighton laughed, passing Gemma a circular sugar cookie as I internally groaned.

"How.. how make Gunnar?" Gemma asked once the silence had fallen over, Leighton grabbing the closest icing to skin color.

"What does Gunnar look like?" She asked, not taking her eyes off the cookie.

"Wike doggy!"

"How do you draw a doggy, baby?" Leighton replied, finally looking up and over at her daughter.

"I dunno!" She whined.

"Yes you do. Papa showed you, remember? What color is Gunnar?" Leigh asked, my eyes now fixated on my cookie as I tried creating Gemma how I said I would, listening to my girls converse.

"Bwake"

"Which one of these are black?"

"That one!"

"Correct. Carefully squeeze this onto your cookie, and then spread it out so it covers the whole cookie. Frosting goes a long way, so be gentle, okay?"

"Otay...."

I smiled softly at the sound of her focused voice.

Silence fell over the room before Gemma said, "All done, momma!"

"It looks good, baby. Now what does Gunnar's face look like? What color eyes did he have?"

"I don't know" She whined, the pour clear as day in her tone, chuckling to myself as I glanced over at the black blob of a cookie, frosting going down the side and landing on the counter.

"Did his eyes look like Coco's?" Leighton asked, Gemma kindly asking me to look at her before shaking her head.

"Look like mommy's?" Leighton asked, silence taking over the room. "So if they're not green, or blue, what other color eyes are there? It starts with a B" Leighton asked, tossing in a hint.

"Bwake?"

"Sometimes, but I bet the doggy had brown eyes. Do you know which one of these is brown?"

Silence, followed by confirmation.

I wanted to soak in this cute conversation as much as I could, wishing I was recording or something; not for my channel, but just to have.

We all finished our cookies, Gemma's eyes closing as Leighton placed a fairly cartoonish looking version of her daughter down, myself putting the fucked up silly version, mine looking like I was a toddler next to Leighton's.

"Alright, open your eyes in three... two... one... open!" Leighton smiled, grinning at her daughter whose eyes widened.

"Dat me?" She pointed at her mom's cookie, Leighton nodding.

"Do you like it? It's more of a cartoon style, like the books we read. What do you think about Coco's?" She asked after Gemma had nodded to her question.

Gemma scowled.

"Coco!"

"What?"

"Not nice!"

"I told you that's how you looked" I argued lightly, a smile tugging at my lips as she looked back at the cookies.

"Gem's eyes not all..." her face contoured, still failing as she practically had bug eyes with a twitch.

"He worked really hard on that Gemma, what do you say?" Leighton began to parent, Gemma frowning as she looked back at my cookie.

"Coco no talent" her head shook, a shocked laughter leaving my lips as Leighton stifled hers, lecturing Gemma.

"Gemma Lorraine, that is not nice. What do you say to Colby?"

"I no wook wike dat Coco! Coco bad" She glared up at me as I trained to contain my laughter.

I felt like I was getting yelled at by Gordon Ramsay.

"I think I did pretty well for not being good at art" I argued back, suddenly slightly defensive towards my cookie.

"Gemma, say you're sorry to Colby, and that you're grateful for the effort he put into the cookie" Leighton parented, Gemma frowning, turning to her mom.

"He did bad momma" She loudly whispered, my chest shaking with withheld laughter.

"He tried Gemma, say sorry, and thank you for your efforts. Now" Her mom look came out. 

"Swowwy" She grumbled.

"And thank you for your effort"

"Tank You" She huffed.

"You're welcome bug, and I know Momma's is better, I was just trying to be silly" I told her softly, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Your puppy looks really good, bug" I told her, seeing the glops of different color frosting that she tried to do with the eyes and tongue, Leighton having had to put in some guidelines of where to put things and how to do it since it truly didn't look half bad, minus the swirl mixing of some black and red frosting, something clearly having gone  awry that I somehow missed the meltdown of. 

Christmas Morning was chaos.

Gemma was awake multiple times through the night, ready to get the day rolling, only to cry learning she had to go back to bed till the sun was up, meaning by the time the sun was up, all three of us slept like shit, and Leighton wore it all over her face as she groused all the way to the bathroom about it being "too damn early".

"Pwesent time Coco!" Gemma bounced on her feet, a smile making the apples of her cheeks tighten.

"We gotta wait for mommy, bug. Momma's slow" I teased. 

Gemma impatiently waited for Leighton, dragging both of us down the hall where my mom was already making pancakes and my dad was sitting in his chair drinking coffee, watching the news as if it was just another Tuesday.

Gemma's eyes were as big as saucers when she saw the gift pile.

Screaming, she bolted to the tree, Leighton lecturing her for running and telling her to sit her butt down at the table and eat breakfast whilst it was still warm.

I've never seen a four year old not only cry about having to eat pancakes, but scarf them so quickly that I was sure she was going to have a stomach ache later.

Wrapping paper was sprawled out all around the room as gift after gift were open, Gemma yelling about her new Barbie doll house, and a baby doll that pooped if you fed it the liquid mixture it came with.

I eyed my parents, wondering why on earth they'd buy her that.

"To prepare her for the new baby" Mom said.

"Does it actually poop?" I asked, eyeing the boxed toy.

"Apparently"

My mom had given Leighton baby clothes, which if I'm being honest, was a strange gift.

Nice, for the baby.... but not really as your only Christmas gift from your future mother in law.

Leighton kissed me after opening the necklace that had Gemma and Lennon's names engraved into little foot charms, smiling softly as she grazed both of their names, her eyes glistening in tears, caressing her belly next.

Gage and Jennifer did bring Gunnar over, my parents falling in love with that little dog just as much as Gemma had, striking up once again the puppy begging.

Jennifer and Leighton spent over an hour talking whilst Gemma and Gunnar played in the sprinkler out back, Gage constantly asking me what I thought they were talking about.

"Who knows, and who cares."

"I care" He grunted.

"Why? They're girls. I'm sure they're talking about the baby, since Leighton is pregnant; the wedding, since they're both engaged, how life's been. You know, catch up chit chat"

"Do girls really talk about their wedding? Jen and I talked about eloping.." Gage trailed off.

"Eloping? Mom's going to kill you" I laughed, quickly calling out that G was okay after watching her take a tumble, a breath of relief leaving my lips when I heard the giggles.

"Weddings are so expensive, man. We could put that shit into our house, or vacations"

"Women typically have their entire wedding planned before they even meet a guy. Leighton sure as hell did, but because I ended up proposing to her there instead, that place has new memories, plus with safety concerns now, I believe it's getting torn down if it hasn't already? I don't remember what the plan was with it" I told him, my eyes catching Gemma throwing the ball for Gunnar through the sprinkler again.

"Gemma, daddy's calling!" I heard Leighton call out, getting everyone's attention as we watched the four year old run to her mother, grabbing the phone to what I assumed was a facetime call.

I watched the scene in front of me for a minute, the smile on both my girls' faces, Gemma giggling as she nodded, her little legs swinging back and forth as she sat on the patio chair.

I felt a stir of something in my chest, not jealousy, or envy, but almost gratefulness? I was so happy for Gemma to see her father turning around and showing up for her. Being someone she can count on to call on Christmas, even when she's away. Someone who can make her belly laugh, and just be overall excited to see. Leighton and I both have seen a lot of changes in Gabe ever since he started dating Zara, so when I overheard Gage telling Gemma and Leighton that he proposed to Zara, I couldn't have been happier for him. Gemma deserved this. She deserved to have happy parents with happy partners who can fulfill her life in all the best ways. 

We've come a long way from him texting some random girl (who we learned to love) whilst Leighton was in labor, to getting married and showing up for his kid when he could.

I leaned back in my chair, rolling my lips as I contemplated every life choice I've ever made since we met.

Allowing Leighton to move in, unrightfully hating her from the get-go just because of my previous experiences; that night in the bowling alley, all the way to wanting to protect her and be there for both her and Gemma. The first time I watched Gemma by myself. The first date, the first time Gemma walked, the first time she said my name, the time we finally moved in together and all the ups and downs we've had since then... to finally get a ring on my girls finger, securing her for life, only for me to wake up hungover, confused with a girl in my bed as my best friend yelled at me.

Here Gabe was, announcing an engagement, working on his PHD for pediatrics, showing up for his daughter when it matters and here I was, sitting in my mother's backyard, withholding the biggest secret from my future wife; one that could easily wreck everything we've worked so hard to achieve, just to save face and hold the peace, all whilst I had Sam telling me we might need to get lawyers involved due to Chloe threatening to leak a sex tape. 

I had slept with another girl when I was out of my damn mind, all because I couldn't appreciate what was right in front of me. 

A future wife, a future daughter, and a future boy, it all could slip between my fingertips if I confessed. 

Somewhere down the line Gabe and I switched places. 

At the end of the day, he'll have everything I have, just with one less detrimental secret.

* * * * 

I was gonna remove the my daughter line, but I naturally wrote it, so I decided to leave it in hopes of you guys liking it lol

Written on: April 19th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd 2024

Published on: April 23rd 2024

Word Count: 7080

Part Twenty Five

[britswriting]

Devotion (22)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

- Unedited - I've read through this so many times over the past month, that honestly if there is an error, I wouldn't notice it anyway lol

*Leighton's POV*

Gemma's fourth birthday went as well as a spoiled four year olds birthday could.

Colby and I woke G up with a pancake breakfast before we got ready to pick up Noel; having lunch with Logan, Cynthia, and Harper followed by us all playing at the park.

"You excited to have your first sleepover, bug?" Colby asked her as we drove back to our apartment, car full of excited toddlers.

"Yessss!" She squealed, making our ears bleed followed by an echo of toddler gibberish over how excited they were to play with all the Barbies and watch all of the Disney movies in one night, their words, not mine.

Colby joined in on their excitement, ramping Gemma up about all her new toys waiting for her at home, ready to be unwrapped and played with. I swear Colby was more excited to give her her gifts than she was to open them.

Gemma spent the night at her dad's to celebrate her birthday a few days ago, giving Colby and I ample time to go gift shopping for our now four year old; Gabe and I having worked out the whole birthday thing due to his school and work schedule.

The five of us got up to our apartment and the girls roped us into watching Tangled followed by Aladdin and finally Toy Story as they colored, played with new Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop toys, running all over our apartment screaming and laughing.

I was convinced we were never getting them to bed, that was until pizza came and we thankfully we had hit a food coma. I have never felt so grateful when all three of them were crashed out cold in Gemma's room, snuggled in all of the blankets I could find, more than I was as I very slowly, and as quietly as possible, left the bedroom door cracked open.

"First sleepover down" Colby huffed, plopping down on the couch as a breathy laugh escaped my lips, plopping down next to him. "I am ex-haust-ed" 

"You're one to talk! Try being pregnant and chasing toddlers around to get the pizza sauce and grease off their fingers! All walls almost had greasy toddler fingerprints on them"

"Hey! Try getting them all into pj's!" He countered, my quick "I helped!" ended us both in laughter, Colby pulling me into his chest, kissing my temple as we stared at the blank tv.

"I can't believe she's four. Feels like just yesterday I found out you were pregnant and Amber and I were rushing you to the hospital. She's growing up so fast" He said quietly, a hint of reminenacne in his tone. 

"And now we've got another little one on the way" I matched his tone, craning my neck to look up at him. "She still needs a name you know. And a home" I chuckled.

"You're dads coming with us to Minnesota, right? To go look at those houses?" Colby asked.

"That's the plan. We need to get it done before I can no longer fly"

"Working on it, baby. You know just as well as I that moving is a whole thing. Moving states is even more of a chaotic mess"

"Yeah but we've moving a family. It's a little different. Let me know when you book flights so I have time to check up on Lexi. I know she says she's been fine, but I mean.. are you ever really fine after an abortion? I'm sure there is all kinds of conflicting emotions. I just... I don't know, I want to be there for her. Do my sisterly duties" I expressed, guilt seeping out of my heart knowing how much time has already passed of me being a shitty sister.

"Did she ever tell Brennen?" He asked, chewing on his cheek.

"I don't think so, and honestly? I don't blame her. Granted, I'm not in that situation, but I mean.. it's kind of understandable why she wouldn't want to. Either way, it's her life, her choice. I'm going for moral support and to be a good sister. I'm trying to make up for loss time" I sighed.

I wouldn't say I had regrets in life because I somewhat believe in the butterfly effect, and how everything works out in the end like it's supposed to for you, but I do wish I could change the way I handled certain situations. 

My actions have made me lose a lot of people and make some pretty poor choices. If I were to regret something, I'd definitely regret acting out the way I did with Aaliyah, or the way I handled Lexi's situation; it has although taught me to be more patient, and really hear people out. I wish I would've guided Lexi more than lash out. Thankfully I was given time to do that. To correct my mistakes.

"Is she ever going to tell your family? Or is this some sisterly secret I'm in on that I shouldn't be?" He asked, eyeing me as if he can read my thoughts.

I shifted, shaking my head. "I don't know what she's doing, but she's over 18. Yes we're blood, but I've already done her wrong. It's not my place to out the abortion. Her life. Her choice. I have no right to tell our father like this is some tattle tale over a toy"

The day before our flight Gemma and I brought over food for Lexi, spending a couple hours with her as I made sure she was okay.

I walked into the unfamiliar 

Gemma, Colby, my dad and I all made the flight to Minnesota over Thanksgiving, spending the holiday with Uncle Garrett and Aunt Ginger.

"I can't believe you're thinking about moving back home" Aunt Ginger expressed, setting another christmas ornament on the tree as I sat on the couch and watched, snacking on Saltine Crackers like my life depended on it as nausea kept hitting me in waves.

Being only five months along and feeling this miserable felt like a joke. Every morning I wake up and already wish to go to bed the second my feet touch the floor.

"Feels right. I don't want to raise my children in California. It almost feels like a disservice to them" I laughed, my hands resting on my belly as I imagined two little girls growing up, playing in the snow and swimming in the lakes.

"They say your heart comes back where it's fondest" She eyed me over her shoulder, grinning.

"Is that so? I thought the saying was time apart makes the heart grow fonder or whatever" I snickered, watching her eyes light up.

"Maybe that's it! You're just missing your uncle and me and you need a good ole' cooking dance party!"

"You know what, maybe you're right" I laughed, "I just can't imagine staying in a place that holds so many unhappy memories; I feel bad though for taking Colby further away from his family. I mean, we're leaving behind his family in Arizona, my siblings in California.. I just... can you really stay in a place that holds all the worst moments of your life? Not to mention Gemma and her friends, and I know she'll make more friends... I just feel so goddamn guilty all the time. Like no matter what choice I make, I can't win. I'm going to be hurting someone in the end"

"What about the best? Having Gemma, meeting Colby, getting sober. Glass half empty, or glass half full, you know?"

"I think I'll just always view California as the place that's ruined my life and maybe that sounds dramatic, but I can't help but view it so tainted"

"You guys gossiping about me?" A voice interrupted, my head turning to look behind me, Uncle Garrett walking through the kitchen into the living room with Dakota hot on his heels.

"Aren't we always?" Aunt Ginger grinned, standing up on the tips of her toes, attempting to hang an ornament. Uncle Garrett making his way to her, placing a kiss against her lips before taking the ornament out of her hand and placing it higher up on the tree.

"How you feeling, Leighton? Named that precious baby yet?" Uncle Garrett questioned, my body scooting forward on the couch so I could pet Dakota. "You're only going to be an incubator for so long" he teased, my jaw dropping as I laughed.

"An incubator?!" I repeated, Uncle Garrett chuckling. "You're lucky I love you" 

"The luckiest!" His eyes crinkled as his cheeks tightened.

"No we have not named the little one yet. I'm trying to make sure she has a home. Hoping we can find one on this trip. I'm nervous Dad and Gemma are going to be a pain in my ass; Colby would tell you I'm the picky one though"

"I personally think Garrett is a great name" He smirked, my brows raising as I nodded.

"Ah yes. I can't imagine how she'd ever get bullied in school if her name was Garrett" I teased.

"Are you talking naming my daughter without me?" Colby's loud, dramatic voice called from behind us, the sound of a patio door closing followed by screaming giggles and thumping paws hitting the tile.

"There's the newly found four year old!" Uncle Garrett swooped up the giggling toddler, Bentley still barking which made Dakota start to bark, enabling the chaos that surrounded me.

With the barking and the laughter and the loud talking over each other... it felt like home.

No stress, no worrying.. just laughter and smiles.

I could feel my heart swell as tears prickle my eyes, imagining this to be my life. 

Coming over whenever, hanging out with the family; my daughters laughing and running around with the rottweilers, my uncle cooking and singing obnoxiously as my aunt and cousins tried to somewhat keep us under control.

It all felt perfect. Like I had finally found the missing puzzle piece.

This was home.

That thought was only solidified as the six of us: Colby, Gemma, my dad, Uncle Garrett, Aunt Ginger and I, walked through what would be our final house tour of the day.

It was perfect.

"Why are you crying, Leighton?" Colby asked quietly, pulling me into his arms.

"We have to make an offer, Colby. This is it. This is our home. It just... Colby" my voice cracked as my vision blurred. "The room closest to the stairs? Imagine a beautiful nursery. Our daughter growing up in there. Gemma right across the hall; them fighting over the shared bathroom between them. The master bedroom at the end of the hall? The most amazing sex of our life could be help in there-" he laughs, "and the most comfy cuddles and our girls driving us wild. The beautiful backyard where they can go play with maybe a dog, or our family. The kitchen that's so fucking perfect.. this is it. It just feels right. Tell me you feel it too. Tell me this is the house" I begged, wiping under my eyes as I looking around the upstairs hallway, feeling like my future was rolling out on film right in front of me.

"This is our home. Let's make an offer tonight, alright? We'll fight for this one. The twinkle in your eye as you look around this house is the only thing that matters. I swear you were about to drool over the kitchen appliances" he laughed, pulling me into a kiss as I giggled, my cheeks warming up.

"Don't act like you weren't melting over that room that would become your office!" I pointed at him, loving the way he smiled, not saying a word.

Back at my Aunt and Uncle's house, we made an offer through our agent and tried to keep ourselves busy as we waited to hear something back.

"What about Riley Colette?" Melissa suggested, the entire family lounging in the living room as we tossed around baby name ideas. 

"It's cute for sure" I acknowledged, my hand moving back and forth over Dakotas side as she snuggled into my leg.

"Jessie Paige?"

"Brock? Jessie Brock? No" My head shook, hating the imagery of a girl with a cowgirl hat and some sort of yodel dialog line dancing around my home. 

"Johannah?" 

"Brock? No" I vetoed yet again.

I swear hundreds of names were listed and we were getting nowhere.

Colby and I laid in bed that night, still scrolling through different names, testing them out when silence fell between us, his soft voice finally breaking it.

"I found a name I really like, but it's kind of out there" 

"Shoot" 

"Lennon? L-e-n-n-o-n?" He spelt, my head wobbling side to side as I thought it over.

"Lennon Brock? It's not bad. It's not that strange" 

"Lennon Paige? Your family seemed to like Paige"

"Paige sounds weird with Brock, I veto it"

"Alright. Do you like Lennon? Should we test it out for a while or should we keep scrolling?" I asked, already scrolling through his phone again before I could respond.

"We can test it out" I nodded, leaning my head against his shoulder, my eyes closing.

"Really?"

My eyes opened, "Why do you sound surprised?"

"I thought you wouldn't like it" He shrugged, jostling my head slightly.

"Hey!" I winced, "Careful! I'm fragile, you know" I teased pinching his thigh.

"You are far from fragile" he cackled, his head hitting the headboard, my loud laughter drowning out his "Ow", unable to stifle it.

"Are you okay?" I asked through laughter, shifting so I was sitting upright, leaning forward slightly causing my head to have to turn further to see Colby who has happened to roll his eyes.

"I'm fine, not that you care" He teased, my own eyes rolling this time. 

"You know I care; just sometimes you have to laugh first" I grinned, giggling as he pulled me back into his chest. "Careful! I'm housing a child here!" I jokingly panicked, Colby's hand coming to cradle my side, pulling me closer to him so I didn't fall off the bed.

"And you look very beautiful doing it" He sweet talked.

"Shut up" I groaned, trying to pull away, only to be stopped and somehow moved onto Colby's lap.

"It's true. You look very beautiful pregnant. I've always told you that" 

"Not true. Everything is swollen, and everything hurts and your baby is murdering my ribs and my bladder and how did you do that? I weigh as much as an elephant and I know you've been slacking in the gym!" I whined, attempting to move off of my fiance, only to be held in place by his strong hands gripping my hips.

"You do not weight as much as an elephant" he smirked, both of us laughing at him not denying my gym comment.

"Alright well if you keep my crotch on your dick things will start to happen and we can't be doing that with my daughter asleep next to us in my Aunt and uncle's house"

"I thought pregnancy sex was your favorite kind of sex?" his thumbs hooked into the waistband of my sweatpants.

"Mhm" I moaned, falling forward a bit, scooting back slight on his crotch, Colby's face scrunching slightly as he moved under me, "But not when my daughter is asleep on the floor, snoring, might I add" 

"You don't think I'd actually initiate anything with her right there, do you?" His eyes clouded with concern, my head shaking.

"No, but I don't want to be soaked through my underwear and have to go to bed needy and desperate. So, I'm just gonna-" I carefully got off his legs, laying back down next to him, "and we are gonna pretend each other aren't right here so my you know what can calm down"

"You want to pretend I'm not here?" he asked, my head nodding as my eyes closed, only to feel his warm breath on my neck followed by warm lips.

"Colby, stop" I groaned.. or well.. moaned.

I do not feel like slathering makeup on my face any day, let alone to cover a hickey!

"I love you Leighton Rae" he murmured against my skin before backing off, my head falling back as I huffed.

"I hate you" I grumbled, Colby chuckling next to me. "I love you too, now leave me alone. Don't you have your own situation over there?"

"Feel and find out"

"Colby!" I whisper shrieked, extremely aware of my four year old not even ten feet away, the audiotrack of her snoring being a painful, yet sobering reminder of why I cannot do exactly what my vagina wishes I could.

"We can always go sneak off to the bathroom" He suggested.. or well, reminded. 

"With this pregnancy bump? No way. You know I need pillows to be comfy and I will murder you if you're the only one who gets a release" I grouched, Colby's chuckle against my skin making a shiver go down my spine as I snuggled closer into his warm chest.

"I'm excited to start our life together, Leighton. I hope they take our offer and we can finally start this whole moving process" He sighed, lacing our fingers together, his thumb rubbing against my knuckles, eventually landing on my anxiety ring, spinning it a few times. 

"I can't believe we're buying a house and I'm ready to start putting together our nursery. I really want to do this whole baby thing the right way" 

"You're having a home birth, I don't think you understand what the traditional right way is" he laughed, my eyes instinctively rolling as I snuggled closer to him when something dawned on me.

"Shit!" I hissed, "We need to find people here for that!" I quickly - well as quick as you can when you're five months pregnant - snatched my phone to go into research mode, Colby's hand grabbing my arm, pulling me back into him.

"One thing at a time, Leighton. We can do it tomorrow, just lay here with me, please" His soft words lulled me into his chest once again.

"You're offly clingy lately" I noted, inhaling his chest, my eyes closing as I felt his chest rise and fall under my touch.

"Just feeling grateful. I've been talking with Sam a lot lately and it's just reminding me how grateful I am to have you. To have Gemma. This baby. Is it a crime to want you close?" 

"Only if I can't breathe" I fake choked, gasping, Colby swatting my ass making me laugh before kissing him.

The next couple of days felt like we all could barely catch our breath as we awaited the conformation that the house was ours, along with researching nearby facilities for our at home birth. I knew in the end I wouldn't regret the choices, but in the current moment I couldn't help but feel like I was way in over my head as Colby and I searched high and low for our best options as well as calling backup hospitals in case of an emergency.

Who moves halfway across the country when you're due to give birth in four months - an at home birth at that, with a four year old? 

Psychotic people. That's who.

"Have you heard anything yet?" I asked Colby for what was probably the tenth time since we've awoken and it was only 3pm.

"No, Leighton"

"They said it would be a few days! It's been a few days! Do you think maybe other offers came in?" I worried, tugging a shirt over Gemma's head before letting her step into a pair of leggings, getting ready to go to the park.

"I don't know baby, we've just got to wait"

"I hate waiting" I huffed.

"Me too!" Gemma chimed in making me laugh.

"See, she gets it!" I pointed to Gemma, G grinning as she nodded.

"Yeah! I get it!" The peanut gallery communicated, a sassy grin on her face.

"I also hate waiting, so why don't we go to the park and bypass some of this waiting time" Colby reached for Gemma's hand, the two of them leaving me in their dust as they made their way outside.

I sat on the bench, listening to Gemma's screaming laughter as her and Colby played on the swings and then the slide, followed by monkey bars.

"Mommy! Come play with us!" Gemma squealed, running around in the sand before climbing up the playground stairs.

"Mommy's resting, G" Colby reminded her, a sigh leaving my lips.

"But I want to play with mommy!" Gemma whined, staring down at Colby from the playground landing.

"But G-" He started, my voice quickly interrupting.

"No, no. It's okay. We'll play" I confirmed, wincing slightly as I pushed up off my thighs.

Ignoring the ache in my back, the soreness of my feet and the shortness of breath, I plastered on a smile and walked the best I could over to my daughter.

"What do you want to do lovebug?"

"Come up and play!" She squealed, bouncing on her feet.

"You alright" Colby asked, eyeing my tight smile and head nod. "Leigh-"

"My daughters waiting"

I carefully climbed the stairs, Gemma's "Come on mommy!" was the only thing I was focusing on.

Fuck the back pain, the lack of deep breathing, and my puffy ankles. 

"Where to honey?" I huffed out.

"Slide! Coco, catch us!"

Oh god that's a long way down.

"Slide with me mommy!" Gemma demanded.

"Okay baby, one sec.." 

How the fuck am I gonna do this?

The ground was a long way down. Once I'm down, I'm not sure if I'm getting back up again.

"Come on, mommy! Come on!" Gemma rushed.

Slow and steady win the race...

I carefully eased myself to the ground, attempting to block out Gemma's persistent rushing. By the time my ass hit the slide, I felt both relief, and panic. Relief because I was sitting; panic because now I have to slide with a four year old and I can't even see my feet over my belly.

"Colby you better catch us! I can not afford to fall on my ass with this baby in my womb!" I warned, Gemma crawling over my thighs as best as she could, proving this whole sliding whilst pregnant thing to be difficult.

"Careful, G" I reminded her, not wanting her pressed to hard against my stomach. "Ready?" I cooed, wrapping my arms around her tummy, pressing a smooth to her cheek before sliding down the slide, Gemma's giggles being drowned out by my slight fear and panic of how quick we're going down the slide.

"Coco! Catch me!" She squealed, Colby crouching, arms wide, swooping Gemma up and setting her aside before stopping me and helping me up.

"You alright?" He checked in, my head nodding as my heart pounded. "What do you say to mommy, bug?" Colby asked, Gemma already climbing back up the playset. 

He sighed, a smile plastered onto my face as I went to go join her again.

"Hey, you don't need to chase her around" he reminded me, cupping my face between his hands.

"In a few months it won't just be her anymore. It's okay. I just need to be careful and go slow.."

"Leigh" Colby's warned, my back already turned towards him ready to meet my child back at the slide.

"Just make sure you catch us"

~

"Your baby is kicking my ass" I groaned, a heating pad on my back as my ankles had ice packs draped over them. "You were on the phone with Sam for a while out there, everything okay?" I checked in, having not heard from him nor Kat in a while.

"Yeah. He said they're moving back to California" Colby dropped his bombshell, nonchalantly scrolling through his phone. "We also are scheduling a filming trip at the end of December.."

"The end of December?" I questioned, my brow furrowed as I stared him down. Colby's head turned, catching my eyes as he nodded. "Like.. as in.. Christmas time?"

"After Christmas"

"When would you be back?" I questioned, nervous that I would be losing him for the holidays.

I thought about inviting Sam, Kat, Aaliyah — if she'd actually reply and meet up with me, and my siblings over for some sort of holiday party before we end up moving, but if Sam and Colby are out filming, there goes that idea. 

"I don't know Leighton, but we need to stockpile content before Lennon gets here" He said, my ears piquing in intrigue.

"Lennon?"

"We're trying them out, right?" Colby asked, eyeing me almost like he was waiting for me to punish him.

"Well what about Riley?" I half teased, still shell shocked out of him suddenly using Lennon.

"It just doesn't feel right" His head shook, turning away from me to look back at his phone.

I snickered, "What doesn't feel right? it's a popular name"

"Has that ever really been your style? Trend following?" 

"I'm dating you, aren't I? Mr. I Run paranormal side of youtube" I grinned.

He smirked, an eyebrow cocked before shaking his head, "I just mean, I can't see my daughter being named Riley"

"Lennon is just so out there though" I faux teased, chewing on my lip, expecting banter back only to sigh through my nose as he replied, grumbling, "No worse than what the Kardashians are naming their kids" my lips pursing as I caught the quick attitude change.

"I'm not vetoing it, Colby. I'm just saying we should keep our options open. There are millions of baby names. It's a big choice"

"I understand it's a big choice, but you're also due not that long from now" he expressed, my own brow furrowing.

Was he.. nervous? 

Typically I'm the one running around like a chicken with their head cut off freaking out over how soon my baby is going to be born, and how many things we have to get done.

Was it finally hitting him?

"I'm due in April" I reminded him.

"And before you know it, it'll be here" 

"It?" 

"Your due date"

"Oh! I thought you were calling our daughter and it" I cackled, Colby's eyes rolling. I quieted down, my shoulders dropping, wishing I could touch him but he was too far away from me, "Are you alright?" I worried.

"I'm fine" 

"Colby..."

"I have a lot to do Leighton. With the baby coming, the move, Gemma... us always being on and off and Sam breathing down my neck about.. about.. about our channel.. I just.. I just want to at least check one thing off! What's wrong with Lennon?" He asked again, shifting his whole body to face me on the couch.

"Nothing's wrong with it babe, I just think we should keep our options open"

His bobbed black and forth slowly, "Meaning you don't like it"

"I didn't say I didn't like it. I just said it was out there. It caught me by surprise when you said it so nonchalantly. I'm sorry if my reaction seemed negative. I just wasn't expecting you to so blanelty call her that"

"Why wouldn't I? That's what we're doing, right?"

"Well you haven't been too receptive to the idea" I murmured. 

"There's just a lot on my mind" He took a deep breath through his nose, leaning back against the armrest of the couch before straightening out again, glancing around the room before looking back at me. 

"So I've heard. The Move. The baby. Filming" My eyes rolled, "We're all stressed Colby, and god knows I like to complain about it, but at least I complain, or well, cry about it. You just stew in it until you practically shove me out of the way to go explode somewhere. Do you really like Lennon that much? Then let's try Lennon. It's not that I don't like it, or that I'm saying yes to just shut you up. It's just scary to me to name a baby. It's their name for at least 18 years, if not their entire life. It's scary to me to make such a big commitment so quickly" 

"You did it with Gemma" He grumbled, unlocking his phone again.

"Like hell I did" I snickered, "I had a million ideas for Gemma, but nothing felt right and by the time I chose Gemma, I still questioned if it was right. If my mom would've liked it. If it felt like a name my daughter would have. If you like Lennon, let's keep using it. See how it feels" 

"I like Lennon" He confirmed, his eyes locked on me; studying me.

"You like Lennon" I repeated, nodding, watching the way his brow pulled together.

"You say it like you disagree" his eyes narrowed.

"I'm not going to keep going in circles Colby. I said what I needed to say. Let me just sit on it, okay? Let me look at nursery decor with the name in mind, look at it in different fonts-"

"Different fonts?" he interrupted.

I nodded, "Different fonts. I just want to imagine the name in our life" A snicker threatened to slip out, but I shoved it far, far down like my life depended on it, trying to figure out what his deal was.

"Okay" He hummed.

"Okay?" I reconfirmed, struggling to read his expression.

"Okay" he reconfirmed, "Pull up the fonts"

"Fonts? Now? With you?" I faked appaul.

"Yes with me" He scooched closer to me, our thighs now touching as he leaned over me, grabbing my laptop.

"It's a personal matter" I tried, Colby turning on my laptop.

"Personal matter? I put a baby in you. That was a personal matter"

"And what a good personal matter it was" I reminisced, grinning when Colby's cheeks gained a red hue. "You remember it well, don't you?" I teased, missing our intimate moments together. 

"I remember a lot of our sexual altercations well"

"Altercations?" my jaw dropped.

Who calls sex an altercation? It's not like I trapped him into putting a baby into me!

"What fonts do you want" He distracted, scrolling through different ones, the name "Lennon" written out, sized up to be very in your face as he shuffled through fonts.

"How's this one?" He questioned, showing me "Lennon" in Caveat, followed by Georgia and then Dancing Script when I finally stopped him.

"Colby, I was just joking. We don't need to go through every single font." I eased, "Why do you like Lennon so much?" I pressed, having this inkling feeling that there were some reason he was pushing the topic so hard even though I've already stated we can keep trying it out.

"Does there need to be a reason?" he asked.

"Is there not a reason?"

"I don't know" Colby sighed, "You keep saying it has to feel right. That there is this.. what, connection? Or whatever. It just.. it feels right. Leighton, Lennon and Gemma. My girls"

I felt my heart swoon softly at the words "my girls", feeling pathetic as I stared at him with heart eyes. 

"L's huh?" I teased, "Sure G won't feel left out?"

"Then we better hussle this kid out and get another one in and give them a G name" He smirked.

"You want three kids? You want to deal with my pregnant ass a third time? Are you sure?"

"You're right. Maybe we should adopt, or do surrogacy"

~

I watched Colby pace on the patio, phone held up to his ear as I dipped another potato chip into my chive and onion sour cream.

Colby's been talking to Sam a lot lately, but instead of their casual catch ups, talking about work or figuring out their next hang out... it's been hushed voices, popping veins in his forehead and Colby acting a little too clingy afterwards. 

I knew he was hiding something; I just didn't know what.

Christmas surprise maybe? I know he likes his vacations, but what would that have to do with Sam? 

Crunching on another chip, I watched him pause, his back to me before his head fell back for a moment, then resuming the slight pacing.

"Mommy!" Gemma whined, a piece of paper clenched in her fist as she walked up to me.

"Hi sunshine, what do you need?" I smiled softly, turning around.

"I cwlor-"

"Color" I corrected, her brow furrowed.

"Cwlor"

"Color"

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" She yelled, shaking her paper at me.

"Hey, no yelling at mommy. I'm just trying to help, bug. What's wrong?"

"I cwlor on paper but..." She grumbled, shoving her paper in my face, "I get out da lines and.. and.. and.."

"Hey, breath baby" I coaxed.

"I messed up! And.. and.. and.. it was for.. for.. Coco! And I... I.. I do.. do bad job!" She began to cry, showing me the "messed up paper"

"Let me see, bug. I'm sure it's not messed up" 

She handed me her paper, and I looked at the precise coloring, different colors slightly out of line but it appears she tried her hardest.

Surely this would've caused a meltdown ages ago if she noticed the "imperfections"

"Where did you mess up baby? I don't see anything wrong. It looks beautiful bug" I complimented, Gemma frowning.

"I cwlor da puppies nose.. nose... rwed.. not.. not.. bwack and.. and.. and.. I try fix it! But.. but.."

"Hey, look at mommy" I carefully crouched, both of us eye level to each other, my hand clutching the countertop for dear life. "Inhale, exhale" I coaxed, "Mommy's not going anywhere. You don't need to rush" I wiped away a tear, my hand staying on her cheek, cradling her face, "It looks beautiful, my love. Coco will love it. Not every mistake is bad. It just makes it more unique. Coco loves unique things, Gem" 

"But.. but.. see!" I whined, 

"I'm sure, lovebug. Coco's on the phone but once he's done, I'm sure he'd love to see it. You did such a good job, sunshine. No more tears, okay?"

"Otay.."

"Okay" I chuckled, offering her a hug, Gemma walking into my arm, her arms wrapping around my neck.

"I love you Gemma Lorraine. You know what we could do in the meantime?" I asked, Gemma pulling away to look at me.

"What?"

"We could go find Papa and show him your beautiful artwork! How does that sound? We go find Papa and show him the puppy you worked hard on?" I asked, watching the light come back to her eyes.

"Yesssss!" She squealed, snatching the paper, "Come on, mommy!"

Gemma and I found my dad, Gemma happily showing her artwork, a pride to her tone now as she explained how long it took her. 

I heard the patio door slide open, turning to look over my shoulder as Colby stepped inside, softly closing the door behind him.

"Hey" I chimed, his head snapping to look at me.

"Hey" He replied bluntly, walking over to the kitchen island, opening the fridge.

Okay..

I walked over to him, taking a seat on the barstool across from him.

"Everything alright? You've been stressed after talking with Sam lately" I asked, "Something going on with work?" I guessed, attempting to pick his brain for any sort of clue of what was going on.

"Works fine" He replied, taking a drink from his glass.

"Communicate Colby. I can't read minds" 

"I don't want to talk about it" 

"Oh, great. So should I just sit around and wait for you to explode? Or are you just going to keep stuffing it until you decide to leave one day and go cliff drinking and land back in jail?" I hissed, keeping my tone low as I stared him down.

"That's not fair" He challenged, my brow raising in, ready to go head to head about this.

"How is it not fair? I'm asking you to share with me what's stressing you out.  I'm asking you to communicate. To let me be your shoulder to lean on, and you're telling me you don't want to talk about it? I get it, maybe you need space, you want to process things but dammit Colby! I'm not doing this again! You don't get space. You don't get to process. We do this shit together. I cannot lose you to drinking again. I've seen this movie one too many times and guess what? The ending fucking sucks. So suck it up and tell me what's wrong!" I whisper yelled.

His palms laid flat on the counter, his arms outstretched as he leaned forward, shoulders up towards his ears; staring at me. "I'm not leaving you to go drink. I just want to think. Okay? Can you let me do that? Can you let me think?" He asked, or well, belittled.

I Iicked my lips, my jaw clenching as I kept my eyes locked on him.

My own shoulders hunched forward, my hands pressed against the edge of the counter, "You do not talk to me like that. You do not disrespect me like that. You do not belittle your future wife, the mother of your child. You do not get to act like I'm a child when I'm the only one acting like an adult in this conversation; and fyi, Gemma wants to give you something and I'm only telling you this once. If you as much as think about talking to her the way you just did to me, I will personally buy your flight to Nevada—"

"Nevada?"

"Nevada. You can go back to Sam and leave me, and my daughters the fuck alone." I pushed myself off the stool, ready to walk away, my head looking over my shoulder as I said, "I'll give you space, but I expect you to tell me what's going on, or this isn't going to work Colby" before finally waddling towards the bathroom, desperately wanting to decompress.

I stripped out of my clothes in the bathroom, staring at my belly in the mirror.

There is life growing inside of me again, and if that wasn't crazy enough, it's Colby's.

That fact alone felt fake. How the hell did I go from wanting nothing to do with him, to carrying his child, not to mention having his ring on my finger being a physical reminder of our promising future together.

I stared at my protruding belly button, a shiver going down my spine; I'll never get used to that. 

I've always hated it. Hated the way it looked, the way it felt. It always gave me the heebie jeebies.

Staring at my perfectly imperfect bump, I couldn't help but have Colby's name suggestion swirling around in my head.

Mentally, I started to test it out;

Lennon.

Lennon

Lennon?

"Lennon" I whispered, my fingertips feather touching my skin, feather light touches skimming over my skin sending a shiver down my spine.

"Lennon" my voice got a little bit louder, not ready to commit to fully testing it out.

"Riley?" I murmured, my head tilting before I changed to view from the side. "Riley? Is that your name? Riley? My daughter Riley. Gemma and Riley. Riley's birthday. Riley's going to school. Riley's missed you Cole-" I froze, my tongue wetting my lower lip, my head shaking. "You're not Riley, are you baby girl? You've never been a Riley, or a Jessie"

My eyes prickled with tears as I faced the mirror again, staring at my belly.

My feather light touch dragged down, then over, spelling out Lennon against my skin, the tickling feeling making my body shake, followed by a baby kick; my face breaking out into a smile as I laughed, a tear rolling down my face.

"That's your name isn't it baby girl? Your daddy was right wasn't he. You're going to be such a daddy's girl aren't you. You and G are going to have him wrapped around your little fingers. Is that your name baby? Lennon? Did daddy name you munchkin?"

I started to cry harder, staring at my belly, imaging holding my beautiful baby girl, kissing her sweet little forehead, watching her cute little smile. The way her eyes opened and closed.

God I can't wait to see those beautiful eyes.

The way her nursery would look with Lennon written over the crib. 

Lennon Brock.

Lennon Paige Brock?

Lennon Colette Brock?

Lennon.... Lennon... Lennon what?

"What's your middle name sweet girl?" I asked softly, cradling my belly between my hands. "Daddy didn't give you a middle name"

"Lennon and Gemma, Gemma and Lennon. Gemma and Lennon Brock... Gemma Brock? Lennon Brock? Leighton..... Leighton.. Brock?" I struggled, chewing on my lower lip, sniffling the tears away. "Lennon... Fox? Lennon Fox..... Lennon Fox?"I tested out, my heart heavy with guilt at the thought of baby Brock not having Colby's last name.

Could I really walk away from him if it came down to it? I mean, I knew I needed to protect myself, and my girls, and that he has no right to take his shit out on us... but could I really leave him? Give his baby my name? Lose this ring yet again and fully cut our ties?

The thought of never seeing him felt wrong. Like saying goodbye to someone suddenly lost all too soon.

Sighing, I turned on the shower, letting it warm up before stepping in, sighing of relief as the warm water washed away my pain and tears.

There was something about hot water hitting your sore muscles that made me want to melt in this shower and stay here forever.

Eventually stepping out, I wrapped a towel around my body, grumbling as it didn't fit. I stared at my stomach, and part of my boobs that weren't covered. "You're killing me munchkin" I sighed, "I swear if my boobs are growing again.." I compared, jumping, my head quickly turning to my left at the sound of a knock. "I'm naked!" I called out, all of a sudden on edge, the fear of being walked in on - even if the door was locked - as I was naked becoming very real.

"Leighton? Babe? You alright? You've been in here a while.. I was hoping we could talk? I want to apologize for earlier" Colby's 

"I uh.. yeah I'm fine. I um.. I'll be in our room in a few. Let me get dressed please" I called out, scanning the room for clothes... shit. "Wait— Colby!" I called out, waiting, trying again when there was no reply. "COLBY?!" 

"What? Are you alright?" Colby's muffled voice asked, a thud being heard against the door.

"Yes! Sorry.. I just.. can you bring me clothes? Those black wide leg yoga pants — you know what I'm talking about right? With the belly band? In my suitcase? Can I have those please? And um.. like a flowy sleep shirt? — And underwear! I need underwear too!" I yelled, afraid of him having already walked away.

"One sec" he replied, leaving me alone, naked, barely covered in this bathroom, dependent on him to complete the task due to this damn towel not fitting around my boobs and bump.

I ran the towel through my dark hair, my eyes landing on my tattoos.

I smiled softly, bringing my hand up to Gemma's tattoo before letting my hand trace over the empty spot on my other collarbone.

Lennon? Riley? Jessie? Hannah? Colette? Paige?

I stared at the spot, imaging a mirrored tattoo of Gemma, but of this baby's name, losing track of time as my mind wondered about what that would look like.

"Leighton? Can I come in?" Colby asked, lightly knocking on the door.

I quickly held the towel over my body, opening the door, careful to not turn around, holding out my hand for the clothes, his eyes fell down to my open palm, slowly handing me the clothes, refusing protest as I shut the door.

He looked like a kicked puppy.

 I walked into our bedroom, dressed, crouching to dig through my suitcase for a hairbrush when the door shut.

"Hey" His soft voice started, taking a seat on the bed. "I'm sorry for how I talked to you earlier. I've just been stressed with work, and figuring things out with Sam. G showed me her picture. She did a good job" he rambled slightly, my brush getting caught in my hair, myself wincing as I brushed through the snarls. 

"She did do a good job" I agreed, nodding.

"I'm sorry" he repeated, silence falling between us, "Leighton" he sighed, a grumble to his tone gaining my attention. 

"What?"

"Why are you ignoring me?"

"I'm not ignoring you. I just have nothing to say. I thought you were the one that was supposed to be talking?"

"You're pissed" he observed alone, his tone flat.

My eyes rolled, tossing the hairbrush back into my suitcase.

"Why do you do this?" I sighed, turning around to face him.

"Do what?"

"Stop playing dumb. You know what you're doing. You're avoiding the situation. You said you wanted to talk, so talk! It's incredibly frustrating when you drag me in here with the intention of talking and then just staring at me like I'm the problem. I don't understand how your brain works! I'm trying so damn hard to communicate with you, and to have a better relationship with you — something you said you also wanted to do, and you just sit there letting the silence linger instead of talking to me like a damn adult"

"I wanted to apologize for how I talked to you. I'm not ready to discuss what's going on right now" he communicated, the look he was giving me told me that he thought he had cleared his name, when in fact he just made me circle it in permanent ink. 

"You not wanting to discuss it with me makes me feel mad. It makes me not want to stand here and talk with you. It makes me feel like you don't think I'm capable to comprehend, or to help you in this situation and that's extremely frustrating. I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of yelling. I don't want to fight with you, Colby. I'm going to go hang out with Gemma and the dogs.. I need some time away from you for a little bit. You said you want to process whatever is going on, and I need time to think. If you hear about the house  offer, please let me know" I told him, grabbing a hair tie off the dresser before leaving the room.

It had begun to snow, dusting the ground in a crisp white which overexcited my toddler, wounding us out in the backyard trying to catch snowflakes on our tongues.

"I got one!" Gemma cheered, jumping up and down with her head back, tongue out as she tried to catch more.

"Good work lovebug! Are you excited to have snow? I know I've missed the snow"  

"YESSS! Getta build snowman like Fwozen!" She grinned up at me before running after Dakota, giggling with snow between her mittens.

I watched Gemma play in the snow, a warm gooey feeling in my chest as I listened to her laughter and the dogs barking as they played.

Everything about this trip has felt like hime.

"Leighton?" Colby's voice carried throughout the yard, his head poking out from the patio door.

"Yeah?"

"I got an email about the house"

I traded places with my dad, not wanting to leave my four year old unattended outside whilst I joined Colby in the kitchen.

"Good news?" I questioned, sliding the door shut behind me, toeing off my shoes.

"I haven't opened it yet. I saw the notification on my phone" 

We both sat down on the stool, Colby having already snatched my laptop from the couch.

With a quick log in to my email, my heart pounded in my chest as I held my breath, Colby clicking the email.

He groaned.

"What?"

"It says to call him" he huffed, grabbing his phone to dial our relator.

I listened to it ring and ring and ring before finally hearing "Hey,  Colby! Thank you for getting back to me in a timely manner" followed by a chuckle.

Colby cut to the chase, "Did we get the house?"

My heart dropped at his sighed, "The owners got back to me. They decided to go with the higher bidder. I'd say we could counter offer, but it's already a done deal. They informed the buyers about an hour ago that they were taking their deal" 

I felt like the rugged just got pulled out from under me. That warm fuzzy feeling in my chest was replaced with stone, crumbling into rubble right in front of me.

I saw Colby's lips moving, but I wasn't listening.

How couldn't we have gotten the house? We put a good offer in! More than they were asking for! 

The house.. it felt like our dream home. Like it was the one. How couldn't it be ours?  

Everything felt like it was falling into place.

I guess the saying is true; 

If it feels too good to be true, it probably is.

* * * * 

I struggled a lot with this chapter, not going to lie. To be honest, I struggled a lot with description of tone. My brain kept going blank at the descriptive words and it was giving me writer's block; I apologize if the lack of descriptive words made things feel more repetitive. I truly couldn't get it together lol

I posted a 1k word deleted scene from this chapter in the Extras book if you want to read it It's Colby attempting to tell Leighton, but I didn't want it to happen yet so I deleted it and posted it elsewhere.

I took an accidental hiatus. My mental health was rough :/ sorry for disappearing. I'm doing my best to get stuff done. It's just hard sometimes (:

I'm still having a hard time, but all I can think about is how I haven't updated in ages.. so I'm finishing this up with music blasting in my ears so I can decompress and focus and hopefully get this out. Well.. I guess if you're reading this, it happened lol - December 18th. This would've been out on the 10th.. but I got writers block on the ending..

Update, it didn't happen lmao - December 20th I finished writing this at exactly 12am lol

Written on: November 25th, December 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 10th, 20th 2023

Published on: December 21st 2023

Word Count: 8170

Part Twenty Three

[britswriting]

Devotion (21)

Devotion Masterlist

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T/W: Parental Death

Leighton's mother does die in this chapter. I do not drag it out, nor make it graphic! This *ONE* chapter will contain everything death and memorial, and then we're moving on! So if you're triggered, feel free to skip this chapter!

*Leighton's POV*

The morning of October 14th was somber. Everyone was moving very numbly this morning. The sound of cereal dropping into a ceramic bowl and the clank of a metal spoon being placed in before the bowl scraped against the counter towards the toddler who slowly munched on her breakfast were the only sounds you could hear on the main floor of my childhood home.

I slowly climbed the stairs, walking into my mothers bedroom where Landon was sat, tears rolling down his face as he held our mothers hand; the beeping machines and the woosh sound of her oxygen slapping me in the face with reality every single day.

I softly knocked on the door, announcing my presence, offering a soft smile when he looked up, watching me walk in before focusing back on mom.

"Hey" I spoke softly, my hand rubbing his back slowly as we both looked down at my mom, my arm moving over his shoulders to pull him into my side. "I love you, Landon. We're going to be okay" I reassured him, hating watching all of my family break down. "She's going to be okay"

Different people trickled in and out, awaiting for her doctor to arrive, countless tears had been shed and stories had been told.

"Remember that one time..." was said more than I could count.

My aunt Melissa was the last person in the room before it was just my mom and I again, everyone sending me a knowing look as they left, as if they weren't also going through it.

I held her hand in mine, my eyes burning with the need to overflow with emotions as I tried to soak in these final moments with her.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy.. when skies are gray" I softly sang, my throat tightening up as memories flashed through my head of all the countless times I could recall that she had sung it to me. "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.. please don't take... my sunshine... away" I finished, my voice hoarse as a hot fresh tear finally fell down my cheek. "The other night, dear... as I lay sleeping.. I dreamed I held you.. in my arms.." I sniffled, a weak squeeze of my hand shattered me completely. "I love you so much" I cried, feeling each moment slipping through my fingers. "I'm so sorry for ever disappointing you. For everything I've put you through. Through my addiction, and my drama.. everything. I'm so sorry"

A knock startled me; my eyes quickly found the cause of the noise, Colby's presence causing my breath to hitch.

"Are you alright?" He asked quietly, reminding me that I was once again crying like a baby. I quickly nodded, wiping at my face. "Do you mind if I talk to her privately?" He asked, piquing my interest as I nodded, moving out of the way.

I went to slide past him, Colby catching my hip with his hand, softly pulling me into him before pressing his lips against mine.

I could feel myself melt into his kiss, my eyes falling shut, sighing when he pulled away, whispering "I love you" before sending me on my way.

"Mommy!" Gemma squealed, running down the hallway, crashing into my legs.

"Hi baby"

"See Nonna?"

"You can see Nonna in a few minutes baby. Coco's talking to Nonna" I smiled softly, running my hand through her hair. "Did you finish your breakfast?" I asked, leading her down the hall, Gemma teasing me for being slow as I carefully walked down the stairs.

"See mommy's belly?" I asked, G nodding, "Your sister in here. We have to be careful, so mommy goes slow" I tried to explain, missing when I didn't have a toddler who mocked me all day long for being pregnant.

Gemma's speech and processing of sentence structures has been getting a lot better the more we've worked on, meaning she's become quite the little mouth talker about anything and everything, whether you want to hear it or not.

Things like, "You're getting big mommy!" was said to me one morning and I refrained from crying, explaining once again that we don't comment on peoples size and weight followed by re-explaining pregnancy to her.

Gemma is also starting to voice her preferences on food, meaning we are very quickly entering our toddler chicken nugget era.

"Have you thought any more about name ideas, G?" I asked, following her to the living room, seeing the barbie Colby had bought her laying next to a few stuffed animals.

"Name?"

"Mhm, for your sister. You know how you have a name? What's your name G?" I asked, taking a seat on the sofa, watching her thinking face shine through.

"Gemma!" She grinned, giggling.

"Mhm, know who else's name is Gemma?"

"Who?!"

"Nonna"

"NONNA?! Really?!" She yelled, getting a rare smile from me lately.

"Mhm, you're named after Nonna. You and Nonna share a name"

"Nonna die?" She frowned, my smile dropping.

"Nonna is dying" I nodded slowly, preparing myself for all her questions.

"Why?"

"Nonna's sick, remember?"

"I get sick I no die"

"No, you don't, baby, and I'm very grateful for that. Nonna has something called Cancer. Have you heard that word before?" I asked, Gemma's head shaking. "Well, there are different kinds of Cancer-"

"Wike cereal!" her brain clicked, my chuckle making her grinned as she rocked on the floor, unable to sit still.

"Yeah, like cereal" I smiled softly, "Nonna has a type of cancer that doesn't get better and now Nonna is dying from it. Remember what we talked about when someone is dying?"

"They no be here no more" She frowned, my head nodding.

"Yeah, we can't see or hear Nonna anymore. Coco is upstairs talking to Nonna for the last time, and then you can go talk to her, okay?"

She nodded, zoning out before asking softly, "No more Nonna?"

"No more Nonna, baby" I sniffled, trying my best to keep it together.

I never expected myself to have to sit here and explain death to my three year old.

"No more Papa?" She asked, my shoulders dropping as I leaned forward as best as I could.

"Papa will still be here, Gemma. You can still talk to Papa"

"Papa sad?"

"Papa will be sad, yes. Just like Mommy, and Logan, and Cynthia, and Landon, and Lexi, and Coco—"

"And Gemma!" She interrupted, her voice loud and assertive.

"And Gemma" I agreed, "Do you understand? Does it make sense, baby?"

"No more Nonna. No talk, no see Nonna no more"

"How do you feel about that, bug?"

"No Nonna?"

I nodded.

"I dunno" She shrugged, a sneaky smile appearing on her face before she shot off the floor jumping over to me, "Careful!" I quickly warned, not wanting her to land on my stomach, "Wive with Papa now!"

"We've got to talk to Coco and Papa about that, okay? Remember, baby sister is coming. Papa might not want to live with a screaming crying newborn"

"COCO!" Gemma squealed, running to the stairs where Colby was descending.

"Gemma!" He replied back with as much enthusiasm that he could muster, clueing me in on the fact that whatever happened upstairs has messed with his emotions as well.

"Papa wive with us?" She immediately asked, making me chuckle softly, Colby eyeing me with a curious look.

"You want Papa to live with us, bug?" He asked, scooping her up, making her laugh as he tossed her in the air before attacking her with kisses, her laughing distracting her from the previous topic.

"You ready to go see Nonna, G?" I asked, huffing as I pushed myself up off the couch.

Gemma ran up the stairs as quick as her little legs could get her, already climbing into the bed by the time I made it there.

"Eye Nonna!" She smiled, snuggling in next to my mom.

"Do you want to hold her hand, baby?" I asked, grabbing my mothers other hand. "Can you take a photo, Colby?" I asked, giving my mom's hand a quick squeeze, softly saying "I love you mom" as Colby pulled his phone out, the voices of Logan and Cynthia came closer to us as they approached the door, Colby aiming his phone at us.

The room began to fill again as everyone came back, the sight of a nurse and doctor behind them made my breath hitch.

I wanted to scream, and cry, and act like a toddler throwing a fit, but instead, Dad and I held my mom's hand, all of us taking turns telling her how much we loved her, and how much she meant to us as her the doctor began to start the process of letting her go.

It took about thirty minutes before we watched her take her last breath, all of us doing our best to keep it together as much as possible before collectively our sobs broke out, the lack of heartbeat coming from our mother making this entire nightmare become reality.

Colby had me wrapped up in his arms, Gemma snuggled into my mother as my dad stood next to her, my siblings and their spouses surrounding the bed, holding each other or comforting those around each other.

I would've killed to hear her saying "I love you" one last time, or watch her be healthy again.

I sobbed against Colby's chest, his arms tight around me as he let me get it out, his own tears falling into my hair as we both felt the guttural punch of reality.

Colby pulled away, confusing me, until I saw Gemma was standing at his feet, looking sad and confused, Colby picking her up with one arm before cradling us both again.

"I be sad?" She asked quietly, Colby bending to kiss her cheek, jostling her upwards more under his arm.

"You can be sad, G. It's sad to lose someone you love, especially a woman like Nonna"

"No more Nonna?" She asked, my head falling into his chest as I cried, hating the way it sounded out of my daughter's sweet innocent voice.

"No more Nonna" Colby confirmed again, "How do you feel, bug?" He asked her softly, different sounds of people grieving and comforting each other, my dad's voice soft as he talked with the doctor.

"Nonna still here?" She frowned, pointing over at my mom, it finally hitting me that I'm letting my daughter stare at her dead grandmother.

Oh god I'm the worst mother of the year.

I quickly snatched Gemma from Colby, scurrying out of the bedroom, my fiancée hot on my heels as I rushed into a bedroom, almost slamming the door shut on his face.

"I'm so sorry!" I rushed, hating how confused she looked, scared even.

"Leighton, what are you doing?" Colby questioned, softly closing the door behind us.

"I shouldn't let my toddler see death, Colby!" I freaked, his features softening from panicked confusion.

"Baby, it's her grandmother. I know she's young, but it's important. It wasn't graphic. She looked the same as she has the past month" he tried to ease, Gemma beginning to cry, turning into a wail, Colby taking her from me.

I'm a horrible mother! What mother lets their daughter witness death?! What mother doesn't protect her children from the harsh reality of this ugly world?

I could feel myself zoning out as the voices took over.

How could I do this to her?

I felt little arms wrap around my neck from the side; peeling my eyes open, Colby stood in front of me looking like he was at war with himself, Gemma leaning into me.

"It's okay, momma!" She reassured me, the tiny walls I've been building crashing once again.

My toddler should not have to reassure me. It should be the other way around!

"I need to get her into therapy, Colby! I need to fix this! Undo this! I'm.. I'm messing her up! This is shit that creates serial killers!" I freaked, patting myself for my phone, only to realize I had left it downstairs.

Shuffling up, I tried to move past Colby as quickly as I could, his arms stopping me once again, pulling me back into his chest.

"She's okay, Leighton. We're going to be okay, honey. Worry less about her and go be with your family. Gemma doesn't fully understand it anyway. We'll both be here when you're ready, okay? Go be with your dad, and your brothers and sisters, and your aunt and uncle. Surround yourself with your family" he kissed my forehead, intertwining our fingers before practically dropping me off with my family.

*Colby's POV*

I pushed Gemma in the baby swing, her smile making me smile as she giggled, squealing each time she went high.

Watching the love of my life go through something as life changing as a parental death has been an interesting dynamic these past two weeks.

Leighton has spent the past two weeks at her parents house, Gemma and I being left alone at the apartment — I could've stayed with them, but we wanted to keep Gemma's life as normal as possible. The less disturbances with a toddler the easier, or so we've been told.

Which means I still get up at the ass crack of dawn and get Gemma dressed, fed and ready for tumbling class, or we go to the park, or to April's house to play.

Whist Gemma's out of the house when Leighton would normally be working, I stop over at her family's house to offer as much help as I can; Cynthia's been meal prepping for Leighton's dad, stocking his fridge with quick and ready meals, myself kept busy with maintaining the house and being a shoulder for Leighton to cry on whenever she needed before I picked Gemma up again at the normal time Leighton would be done from work, brought her home and worked on her speech with our homemade flashcards then feeding her, playing with her and tucking her into bed, laying awake alone at night in our bed. I couldn't help but let my mind wander to all those nights Leighton was left alone, doing exactly what I'm doing, except in my version, I know where she is. I know why she's gone. And I feel like an ass all over again, not including the rock sitting in my chest and stomach with the fact that I have yet to confess to her about my infidelity.

The morning of the funeral, I dropped Gemma off at April's so her and Noel could hang out, knowing that sitting still at the age of three, almost four was an impossible task for this giggly girl.

"Look pretty, Coco!" Gemma hummed, the back of her walking down the hall, my suit covered arm holding her small tiny pink glitter backpack.

"Thank you, bug. Are you excited to go see April and Noel?" I asked, helping her hit the elevator button.

"Yes! April says we make.. make.. um.. um.. make.." She paused, frowning, looking up at me. "Make.." the paused again, her brow furrowed. I watched her nose twitch as her eyes started to squint shut, a cry starting to whimper out of her lips.

"Hey, it's okay lovebug. Explain it to me" I suggested, crouching to her level, leaning my body weight against the elevator wall so I didn't fall over, my arm resting against the bar, "What shape is it? Is it a circle?" I asked, making a circle with my hands, Gemma's head shaking, "A square?" I tried again, Gemma's brow furrowed, her head shaking. "A triangle?" I asked, watching her lips purse, tear stains on her cheeks as her head shook again, "Hmm... a heart?"

"No Coco!" She whined, sliding down the elevator wall in defeat.

"It's okay, bug. We can ask April, okay? You're going to have so much fun. I'm so proud of you, Gemma, you know that? Coco loves you so much"

The elevator doors opened, Gemma getting up off the floor and walking with me to the car.

Typically you listen to her singing along to the music, or asking you questions, but today she was quiet.

She rang the doorbell, Kevin, April's husband letting us in, April behind him, her hands holding some sort of toy.

"Hey!" I greeted, setting G's backpack on the entry table.

"Hey! I'm sorry about today" April immediately said, Kevin nodding in agreement.

"Thanks. Hey um, Gemma said you guys were making something today, but she couldn't figure remember what, I told her I'd ask you"

"Oh! We're making homemade lasagna! I told the girls they could help, hope that's okay" I smiled, the two girls already off playing together.

"I mean, it's your house. Your mess" I joked, slipping my shoes off, the habit ingrained into me now after living with Leighton, sneaking over to my daughter, stealing a quick hug and kiss, reminding her to be good and that I'd see her before bedtime.

Leighton's mother's funeral was held in a beautiful church full of her friends and family.

I took my seat next to Cynthia, watching her children walk down the aisle before taking their seats.

The pastor of the church said some beautiful things about my future mother in law, my hand in Leighton's the entire time, offering her support as she quietly cried, listening to the few speakers that stood at the podium.

"Next speaker is Gemma's eldest daughter, Leighton," the pastor announced, my hand squeezing hers before letting her go.

Leighton was wearing a long, black dress that swayed slightly at the bottom as she walked.

Her hands bunched the dress up as she climbed the stairs before standing at the podium, gripping it like her life depended on it.

"I uh.. hi everyone" She stumbled, her voice cracking a little before she swallowed, glancing around, her eyes eventually falling on the paper in front of her. "I'd first like to thank everyone who has shown up to remember my mother with us. Each and every one of you meant something to her, to me.. and I just.. it um.. it just means a lot, so thank you" I flashed a weak smile, the mic picking up a soft sniffle followed by a deep breath, Cynthia's hand holding mine, passing me a reassuring smile as we all prepared to watch our beautiful, strong, Leighton break down in front of everyone.

When Leighton agreed to talk at the funeral, I felt compelled to talk her out of it.

It was going to be a hard day as it is. Not only was she grieving her mother — the point there has been not one, but two emergency therapy sessions so far, but I knew how much she hated standing in front of a group of people, her insecurities only skyrocketing even more when she was pregnant.

"Gemma Christine Fox was one of the softest, strictest people I've ever met. I don't know if that's her Italian blood with thick family ties, or if she was just special like that. When she loved you, she showed it. She meant it. She made sure you knew how special you were to her. How much her life benefitted from you in it. When you messed up, she also made sure you knew it. She could be hard on us, I'm sure you all know" She chuckled, sniffling again as she wiped a tear, "I uh, I remember telling her I was pregnant with my first child, and being so afraid that I'd only see the strict side. The side that was going to tell me how badly I had messed up, but instead, she welcomed me with open arms, immediately going into outfit shopping for my now almost four year old. That's just who she was. She constantly surprised you in the best ways, and just loved you like you were the only thing that mattered. You guys knew her as a wife, sister, friend, daughter..., but I knew her as my mother, and my daughter's grandmother. Three years was too little to watch my mother fulfill her Nonna duties.. but I'll never forget them. I'll never forget all the nights I fell asleep to her singing me You Are My Sunshine, to the countless home cooked Italian meals, all the way to her holding her first grandbaby as I informed her that they had shared the same first name. My mother has four beautiful children, Logan, Me, Leighton, my younger siblings Lexi and Landon and she has two beautiful granddaughters, Harper and Gemma. Even with her accomplishments, and her legacy... she's gone too soon. Cancer has stolen my mother. My daughter's grandmother. My fathers wife, your sister, your friend, your niece... her heart of purity was taken from us, but not without a fight. I um... watching my mother go through this has been one of the hardest things my family has ever had to go through, and all of our extended family and friends' love and support has meant the most to us. I remember when my mom was told she beat cancer, there was just this.. this.. aura? of life, that was given back to her. The idea that she had won the fight and now got to spend the rest of her life with her children, grandchildren and husband... it's a day that now feels like a tainted memory. Watching my mother fight again, with no hope at the end.. yet still keep a smile on her face.. showed me she really was the best remodel. Saying goodbye to her so soon has left me with a lot of reflections.. but one of my takeaways has been that at the end of the day, you do your best, you remind those you love how proud you are of them. How important they are to you, and that when your time comes..." tears streamed down her face, Leighton looking over at the closed casket, "That when your time comes, the legacy you have left behind carries forever. My mother is gone, but will never be forgotten. I always told you it'd be You and me till the end, momma. I love you so much, you are my sunshine."

You and me till the end

I watched the pastor help her pregnant ass down the stairs, wishing it was me, but she wanted me seated next to her family, so here I sat.

Once she was next to me, tears rolling down her cheeks, I offered her a Kleenex and a kiss against her temple.

We continued to listen to different speeches from loved ones before her father ended reminding everyone about donating to Meningioma research funds if they could afford it, in memory of his wife.

I watched her walk down the aisle again, followed by her family before we regrouped in the dining hall for food.

By the end of the day, I could see how much wear it had taken on her.

The car ride to get Gemma was quiet, Leighton asleep in the passenger side with smeared makeup and a Kleenex clenched in her fist.

I collected Gemma, reminding her to be quiet because mommy was sleeping.

I carried a tired Gemma up to the apartment, Leighton leaning against me sleepily the whole way.

With the toddler in fresh pj's and cozied up in bed, I turned on the sound machine and her night light before leaving to find Leighton.

"Hey" I said softly, the bedside lamp being the only light on in our room, Leighton sitting in our bed in just her bra and underwear, her beautiful belly catching my attention.

"I wish it was me" She stated numbly, just staring off into space.

"No. It shouldn't have been" I disagreed, moving to stand in front of her.

"I'm the one who deserved it. I'm the one who decided to go and be an addict as a teen, then fall pregnant with a child out of wedlock. I'm a disappointment, Colby. It should've been me in pain, and suffering and then dying. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to lose her life"

"And neither do you, Leighton. You're constantly putting yourself down, throwing your past in your face. We all have shit, Leighton. I'm sure your mother has things she isn't proud of. Things she wishes she could change. Everyone's time on this earth is different babe. You said it today, she left her legacy. She has four incredible children. Two grandkids. She might've not done it all, but she did enough that God thought it was her time. I'm so sorry you've lost your mother. I'm sorry Gemma lost her grandmother. I wish we could change it all, but baby, you have to remember she isn't suffering anymore. She's no longer attached to every machine possible to keep her heat and her lungs pumping and expanding. She's had a hard fight, and it was time to let her rest, baby. It was time to say goodbye and let her be at peace. To watch over us and watch her children and grandchildren grow. She'll always be remembered, talked about.. our baby girl is going to know who her Nonna was, even if she never met her. I know you're hurting, baby, and I wish I could take it all from you, and I know I don't understand what it feels like, but you're not alone. None of you are alone and your mother loves you so much Leighton. She's so fucking proud of you"

"You don't know that" She hissed, wiping at her nose.

"Baby, your parents and I were closer than you'd know. They knew I was asking you to marry me. That I wanted Gemma as my own. That I wanted to create a life with you. Your parents are hard on you because they love you. They want the best of you, and you've made so much progress! We're all so proud of you, so no, it shouldn't have been you"

"She's never going to watch Gemma grow up, or meet our daughter. She's never going to see us get married. Watch us be happy and I'm never going to watch her do those things. She wasn't supposed to die, Colby! She had beaten fucking cancer! She had done it! She should be alive right now! Happy, healthy! Being the best damn mother and grandmother we've ever seen, but no! I had to go to her fucking funereal today, Colby! Twenty Five years old and I had to tell my almost four year old that her grandmother was dying! That's now how life is supposed to work! It should've been me!" She cried, her head falling into her hands. "I feel like I had so much to prove, to show... and now I'm never going to get to do that. I know it sounds selfish, but I can't help it! Is it so wrong for me to want my mother to be proud of me? To share my accomplishments with her? Gemma's birthday is literally in a couple weeks, and my mother isn't going to be here to watch her turn four!"

I was at a loss of what to tell her to make her feel better.

I couldn't bring her mom back. I couldn't go back and fix everything, but even the thought of her mom watching over us wasn't helping.

I felt like I was watching her spiral right in front of me. It's like when you see a car crash start to happen and your morbid curiosity doesn't let you look away.

She was crashing right in front of my eyes.

I decided to let her just sit for a moment as I got ready for bed, the stress of today weighing on my shoulders as the hot water cascaded down my back.

I walked out with a towel around my waist in search for boxes when my body stilled, hand in drawer as Leighton said,

"I want my dad to live with us"

* * * *

I struggle at writing death chapters that aren't main characters.. so sorry if this was.. boring? Idk. I didn't want to make it too graphic or triggering.

I'm not proud of this chapter to be honest. It just needed to happen storyline wise, and I wanted it to be skippable for those triggered, instead of tossing it in with something else. - this is one of those things where if I was writing this and not posting it, I'd figure it out later.. but to be transparent, idk how to do that with a first draft aka what you're reading, so uh.. hi.. here's this mess? Next chapter will be better, sorry lol

Written on: September 23rd, 25th, October 12th, 16th, 17th 2023

Published on: October 17th 2023

Word Count: 4739

Part Twenty Two

[britswriting]

Devotion (20)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

T/W: Talk of rape, domestic abuse, abortions, parental death 

Smut Warnings: Oral sex (f), anal play/fingering, cream pie, name calling (slut, whore), spit play(?) - idk how many warnings to give. I'm not used to this lol

Half-ass edited because it's 10k words (my bad-) and I'm tired and I'm embarrassed of my smut so I don't wanna relive though lolol bye

*Leighton's POV*

I wanted to watch my sister's abuser's life drain from their eyes as my hands wrapped around their neck as I watched the tears pour down her face as she hid herself from the public.

Every bone in my body wanted to find him and tear him into pieces, but my heart wanted to wrap my sister in a big hug and never let her go.

The metal from the chair scraped against the floorboards as I got up, Lexi's head snapping out of her hands to see what I was doing, quickly being met with my arms wrapping around her, pulling her as best as I could into my chest; working around my bump.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that" I whispered against her hair, my hold tight as she shook in my arms, her hot tears landing on my collarbones.

After a few minutes, I could feel the other consumers stare searing my skin, pulling away to grab our things and drag her out of there as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

 "What about my car?" Her voice cracked, the two of us reaching Colby's SUV.

Colby's been using my car lately, having given me his SUV that he got after he totaled his car; telling me, "You have Gemma most of the time" which didn't make sense since we're only two people, but then he listed all the safety features and practically threw the keys at me, claiming "I like cars better anyway" making me think he bought the SUV for me, and not him; but that's a fight for another day.

"We can come back and get it, let's just get out of here. You deserve to breakdown privately; not in front of nosy coffee shop drinkers''

I drove back to my apartment with my little sister crying next to me, profusely apologizing for breaking down, even though I completely understood the mental torture that came with not only having such thing happen to you, but processing it yourself, and sharing it with someone you're close to. It's a lot.

I unlocked the door to the apartment, slipping off my shoes and setting down my bag as I wandered into the kitchen to grab her something to drink, fetching nearby Kleenex and meeting her on the couch.

Once she pulled herself together and the used Kleenex was thrown away, I decided it was best to emotionally bond with her first. 

"I'm sorry that happened to you" I replied quietly, listening to her sniffles as she wiped under her eyes. "I uh, I'm not bringing this up to make it about me, but to let you know I understand part of what you're feeling. I've been raped before" I stated, my tone numb as I tried to close off that part of my brain. Lexi's eyes lifted from the ground, widening as her lips parted, "Not just once.. or twice. I understand how horrific and violating it feels. I don't know what it feels like to have a loved one do that to you. Gabe and I never had a good relationship.. we didn't have what you and Brennen did, and I'm so incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. I'm also so sorry that you had to go through it for so long, and that you were alone. I'm glad you finally told me, and that you think so highly of our relationship that you could share that with me. I just.. I want you to know, I understand; and the reason I never told you, is because you're my baby sister. It isn't that I didn't trust you, or want you to know. It's that my job.. as your older sister, is to protect you from the world. To guide you through life, and I'm very sorry that I've failed to do that for so long" 

"Leighton, you didn't fail me. You told me not to date him" She replied.

"I could've done more" I huffed, picturing Brennen's punch-able face.

"I'm an adult, Leighton. I made a mistake. It's my mess"

"Well it shouldn't have to be your fucking mess!" I snapped, "You shouldn't have to have gone through all this bullshit! You shouldn't have to be put in this place of shitty decision making, and it's bullshit that you can't tell anyone all because of this shitty society! He should've never laid his hands on you, or had non-consensual sex. Lexi, listen to me, and listen to me closely. His shitty actions say nothing about you as a person—"

"I should've left" She interrupted.

My head  shook, "No. His bullshit is not your fault. I don't care if you were in racy lingerie or the baggiest sweatshirt. It isn't your fault that he's an asshole. I'm telling you this to show you I understand, not to put the attention on you or gain sympathy, okay?" I started, Lexi nodding slowly. "Do you remember when I got arrested?" I asked, Lexi's eyes narrowing, nodding. "I was high off my mind and just completely out of it. Of course I didn't comply immediately. I mean, what young girl wants to go to jail?" I chuckled, swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat. "I was put in the police car, hands cuffed behind my back and I ended up being sexually assaulted by the officer in the back. His reasoning? It was because I was another drug filled "prostitute" who needed to take it like she deserved if I was going to walk around down in a tank top and shorts"

"Is that why you stopped wearing that?" Lexi asked quietly and I nodded slowly.

"I wore them when I was pregnant because it was fucking hot out and it was part of my therapy. But me being high and wearing shorts and a tight tank top was not a reason for him to do what he did to me and whatever Brennen told you, or whatever scenarios you're playing through in your head has nothing to do with his horrific actions and I'm so incredibly sorry I couldn't protect you from that"

"I'm sorry you've gone through that" She sniffled, wiping under her eyes, my own head shaking again.

"You don't need to apologize. It's been a while, and I've done my trauma work that I've gotten through a lot of that PTSD feelings. I just want you to know that this doesn't break you forever. If you do the work, as hard as it is, one day you can be with someone again. Don't let Brennen ruin relationships for you. Ruin love and happiness that you can find within other people. If I have let every single time someone has done those things to me stop me from proving them wrong, I would've never had Gemma, or met Colby and now be pregnant with our own baby girl" I smiled, my hands rubbing over my stomach; Lexi's eyes lighting up. 

"It's a girl?" She asked and I nodded, Lexi shooting up off the couch to come hug me. "Congratulations, Leighton! So.... have you thought about names?" She grinned, the twinkle shining bright in her eyes.

"It's definitely been a topic of discussion. Why? Do you have any good ones?" 

"Lexi's pretty great" She grinned, my eyes rolling at how cheesy and cliche that was.

"I only have room for one Lexi in my life" 

"Oh but you have room for two Gemma's?"

"I don't know about you, but I call mom, mom" I teased, smirking before giggling when Lexi's eyes rolled.

Lexi and I talked a bit about my pregnancy and the comparisons I've noticed between Gemma and this baby before she suggested baby names, finally asking the million dollar question, "Whose last name is she going to have?"

"Brock. If I'm going to marry Colby, I'd like her to have his last name. Colby's a lot more involved than Gabriel ever was"

Lexi's eyebrow raised, "You guys are still getting married?" 

My own furrowed in response, "What?"

"I haven't heard anything about a wedding"

"We haven't planned one"

"See"

"See, what?"

"See, this is why I thought you weren't getting married"

"We're engaged? We're moving into a house together? We're having a kid together?" 

"I didn't mean to offend you. I just didn't know you guys were still going through with it"

"Kay, well, you've been preoccupied with breathing trash" I huffed, pushing myself up out of the chair, practically panting as I wobbled on my feet.

Lexi reached forward to stable me, my glare quickly stopping her actions as she muttered, "Just trying to help"

"I'm pregnant. There is a lot of disproportionate weight. I wobble. I'm fine"

I heard the front door click open as I walked into the kitchen, Colby and Gemma's voices bringing a smile to my face up until I heard Colby's odd tone as he greeted my sister.

I quickly moved to stand in the archway of the kitchen, seeing Gemma hugging my sister and Colby giving her a weird look, before looking over at me with a squinted gaze mouthing, "What's she doing here?"

I waved him off, painting a smile on my face as I walked over to greet him, giving him a quick kiss before asking if Gemma was hungry.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked Lexi, Gemma immediately pleading, tugging on Lexi's clothes.

The five of us wounded up seated at the kitchen table, Colby scooping dinner onto Gemma's plate whilst I filled her cup with milk.

I felt Lexi's eyes on us both as we moved around the kitchen, bumping into each other a few times making the two of us chuckle as I blamed our unborn child for messing with my depth perception.

Colby and I finally sat down, Colby tucking Gemma's napkin into her shirt making me grin out of amusement.

"Well don't you look proper Gem" I teased.

"Wook silly" Gemma complained, taking the napkin out, throwing it back at Colby who gasped.

"Gemma" My tone disapproving, "We don't throw things. What do you say to Coco?"

 "Sorry, Coco" She mumbled, Colby kissing the top of her head as an  accepted apology.

Dinner felt awkward with Lexi just quietly watching, barely contributing to our table talk.

Colby got Gemma ready for bed as I put leftovers away, Lexi helping me clean up the dishes since it was getting harder to bend over and load the dishwasher.

"Gemma's waiting for a goodnight hug and kiss before letting her lids close" Colby informed, his hand against my back as he moved behind me.

I nodded, drying my hands on the dishrag before making my way to Gemma's bedroom.

"Mommy?" Her little tired voice spoke, melting my heart.

"Hi baby. Coco get you ready for bed?"

"Mhm"

"Have a nice warm bath? Brush your teeth? Nice comfy jammies?" I checked, Gemma nodding as she rolled over in her blankets. "You're getting so big baby" I sighed, carefully sitting down on the floor next to her toddler bed. "Was it nice seeing Auntie Lexi?"

"Yes! Missed her"

"Yeah? Mommy missed her too. You're going to sleep so good for momma, right? Have the best-est dreams ever! So good that you tell me about them in the morning, okay?" I kissed her forehead, Gemma giggling with a nod. "Coco and I will be in our room if you need us, okay? If you hear weird noises, momma gets up to go potty in the middle of the night, okay? Nothing to be scared of. Just your little sister making me have to pee" I reassured her, remembering that toddlers start to enter a fearful period of sleeping in the dark. "Do you want the noise machine on?" I asked, grunting as I got up, feeling a pull in my back as my weight shifted to stabilize my hips.

"Yes, peas"

I clicked it on, listening to the woosh sound before clicking on her night light.

"All good?" I questioned, picking up her dirty clothes with my feet, carefully reaching for them with my hand before tossing them into her hamper.

"Yes!"

"Alright lovebug. You have the best dreams ever, okay? Sleep so well for me so you can have fun at tumbling tomorrow. I love you so much, bug" I smiled, Gemma squeezing her stuffed cow.

"Wove you, momma"

"Love you more, Gemma Lorraine. Sleep well. I'll be in my room if you need me, okay?" I reminded for the last time, Gemma nodding as she shut her eyes, allowing me to slip out, leaving the door cracked so she could wander out if she needed.

"She go down?" Colby asked, myself nodding, taking a seat on the couch where Lexi was. "I'm going to go shower" Colby informed, already walking down the hall before I could reply.

"Thanks for helping clean up. I appreciate it. Things are starting to get a lot harder as this belly grows" I sighed.

"It was no problem. Least I could do. I uh, sorry if this is uh.. crossing a line? But uh, do you regret having Gemma so young? I mean, um.. like.. if you could redo it and still have the same daughter, would you in hindsight want to be older?"

"I think everyone who has kids young would say so. It's really personal preference and what your situation looks like. Obviously, if you're well off and can swing it, I don't see why it would be an issue unless you didn't want kids. Is this because you're expecting, or?" 

"You and Colby just seem like you have it all together and I just.. I can't see myself like this. Having a child depend on me. A family so young.. I just.." she paused.

"Lex, if you don't want it, no one says you have to. There are a lot of choices. If it isn't abortion, there's adoption. If you want to go through the pregnancy, and not have the baby, you can always put it up for adoption"

"But can I really go through life knowing my kid is just out there somewhere possibly one day looking for me?"

"I can't give my opinion here Lex. I didn't go through with that and I'm not saying you have to follow my footsteps, but I didn't see myself having Gemma so young either and even after all we've been through, I love that little bug more than I could've ever thought. That doesn't mean my story will also be yours. It's your body, your life, your choice, Roo. Look, just stay here tonight. It's getting late, we'll get your car tomorrow. Guest room is all yours and we can make your doctor appointment tomorrow. Talk to the professionals. Hear them out. Discuss options, worries etcetera. That's what they're there for"

I said goodnight to Lexi after making sure she had everything she needed, and knew where the dishware, extra toilet paper and spare toothbrushes were before crawling into bed naked.

"Well hello there" Colby grinned, leaning over to kiss me. "Did I miss the memo? Isn't your sister down the hall?"

"Shut up, I need to buy more sleep clothes and my nipples are sensitive , I don't want stuff touching them — You lick or touch them I'll castrate you!" I warned, Colby holding his hands up in defense as I shifted the comforter to sit under my bare chest.

"So you're just going to have your boobs on display and I can't touch?"

"You can look" I grinned, leaning over to plug my phone in before rolling back onto my side so I could breathe. "I'm starting to hit that point where I can't wait to get this girl out of me. I miss laying on my back and being able to breath. Or bend over and not be out of breathe"

"Just a few more months, babe"

"I know" I sighed, my eyes falling shut. "Speaking of, we need to find a new house so I'm not bringing my baby home to no nursery and an apartment filled of boxes"

"You haven't told me where you want to live"

"Lies!" I gasped, my eyes opening again, "I suggested we go back to Minnesota, I just am nervous to pull us away from everyone we know" I frowned.

"Leigh, we've gotta start doing things for ourselves"

"But!" I whined, Colby's head tilting, ready to test me, "Ugh!" I groaned, "I just, your family finally moved closer to us, and we'd be moving right back near where they just  left! And my moms dying and I can't just abandon my dad, and Lexi's finally back and I just... I feel like I'm abandoning everyone"

"Leighton, we can stay here"

"But I don't want to stay here!" I whined, stuffing my face into my pillow before I started to not be able to breath, shifting back, "I don't know what I want. I just don't want to bring my baby home into chaos. I want to do this right"

"Leighton, baby, we've got time. If moving to Minnesota is going to make you happy, then let's start looking at houses there. If anything, we can always move back in with your aunt and uncle until we have a house"

I groaned, wishing I would've pulled my shit together a lot sooner.

The next few days, I felt like I was running around like a chicken with their head cut off as I continued to figure out the housing situation with Colby, having to get in contact with Aunt Melissa about us visiting to go house hunting (She doesn't know the latter though), arguing with my dad about taking my mom off life support, and hurrying to meet Lexi at the hospital as her emotional support system for the chaos that is her being pregnant.

I stayed in the waiting room, wanting to give Lexi privacy to talk about anything she wanted without prying eyes and ears, anxiously awaiting her to come out as I got comments from different expecting moms asking me if I was due around the corner due to my belly size.

Instead of yelling that I'm not due next week, I just smiled and nodded, keeping my thoughts - and hands to myself, exhaling a breath of relief as Lexi walked back into the waiting room over to the front desk.

Once she came back to me, I offered a smile and pushed myself out of the chair, grunting when my hips brushed against the sides.

Stupid hospital chairs.

"Hey! How'd it go?"

"It went.. well. I'm definitely pregnant"

"Is that.. a good thing?" I asked carefully, Lexi sighing. "Bad then? I'm sorry" I apologized, confused when she shook her head.

"Just means I have important decisions to make"

"That you do. Are you coming back to mom and dads?" 

"Yeah. Gotta fight with you about this mom situation"

"Yeah.. I think I'm going to lose the war though" I sighed, praying I didn't let my emotions start to spiral too much. "Are you going to tell mom and dad about the uh.. situation?"

Lexi immediately disagreed, "Not unless I'm keeping it"

~

"Leighton, if you're here to fight with me, it's too late" My dad warned, pouring cereal into a bowl for Gemma.

"Too late?!" My voice shrieked. 

"The dates have been set" he stated, sounding so heartless it was mind boggling.

"Excuse me?"

"October 14th-"

"THAT'S IN A WEEK?!" I shouted, Gemma looking over at me, quickly reminding me little ears are around. "Dad-"

"Leighton. We can't keep prolonging it. She's not getting any better honey"

"Why can't you just keep her on life support?" I argued, my dad sighing.

"Because it's expensive Leighton"

"So, what? Mom isn't worth it?" I scoffed, my dad shooting me a warning look that I've seen one too many times.

"Leighton Rae, your mother is the love of my life. It kills me to do this, but watching her suffer isn't how I wanted things to go. She isn't getting any better. We're only prolonging her pain, and our grief. I hate this just as much as you do, but Leighton, it's happening one day or another. A week gives everyone to stay their goodbyes and for the nurses to prepare things and for me to start calling funeral homes-"

"Funeral homes?! Are you hearing yourself!"

"What's a fune-rel 'ome?" Gemma asked, the words sounding out of place from her little mouth.

"It's a place where family and friends go to show their loved and appreciation for the love ones they can't see anymore" I replied, dancing around the word death.

"Leighton, I'm telling, not asking. I'm hoping you'll act like an adult now that you are one" He raised a brow at me, his face full of disapprovement as I let out a harsh exhale through my nose.

A week wasn't long enough for me to say goodbye. Not only was I not the only one who had to say goodbye, meaning I'd have to share my precious time, but it wasn't welcomed! 

I already felt bad for always being up in her room, away from my own little family, but now with the thoughts of moving away from they'll all need me, I felt insanely selfish.

I laid in my parents bed, my hand grasping my mom's boney one as tears quietly streamed down my face as I tried to memorize this moment. I didn't want to waste a single second. 

I slowly pulled myself together, wiping the salty tears off of my cheeks, jaw, neck and lips before placing my moms hand on my belly, taking in the sight.

She'll never meet my baby.

My little girl will never know her grandmother.

My mother will never see me get married, or move into my first house, or live happily ever after like she wanted. She'll only know me as the mess that has always been my life. Her daughter is a walking talking hurricane, who can't make up her mind to save her life. She'll never see me finally flourish, or watch her grandchildren start to live her life. I feel like I'm losing her before my life ever really began.

"That's your grandbaby, mom" I smiled softly, moving her hand against my stomach. "Maybe she'll kick for us. Little one, can you say hi to Nonna?" I cooed, my own hand caressing the side of my stomach. Every once in a while there would be a flutter, but it wasn't too often that I felt them.

"Mommy! Nonna!" Gemma squealed, running into the room and crawling up onto the bed. 

"And that's your other grandbaby, mom" I giggled, quickly reminding Gemma to be careful. "Want to put your hand on mommy's belly?" I asked, Gemma moving to straddle my leg, placing her palms on my clothed stomach. "Feel silly?" I giggled, Gemma nodding.

"Baby inside?"

"Mhm. Your little sister is in here. You excited to meet her?"

The next few days family members came in and out throughout the days, each night ending with Colby and I sitting with Logan and my dad in their room, helping the night nurse bathe my mom and brush through her hair, rubbing the lotion onto her skin and making sure there were no kinks in her cords.

Lexi stood in the doorway and I quickly slipped out of the room, giving her privacy only to peek in a few hours later, seeing her painting polish on my moms nails, talking to her softly.

"Hey" Colby's soft voice startled me, his hands wrapping around my waist, "Whatcha doing?" 

"Watching"

"Creeping?" He teased, pressing his thumbs into my shoulder blades, working out the tight muscles.

"It just feels weird watching everyone start to get ready to say goodbye. It feels wrong"

"Because it is wrong, Leigh. Your moms still young. You're still young. It isn't time yet, but sadly, we don't get to pick life's timeline" 

"I hate knowing there's a deadline" I shifted in his hold, shoving my face into his chest. "I feel like I'm running out of time. Like I haven't finished the checklist yet"

"What checklist?"

"Ya know, like your life bucket list?"

"Bucket list? For your mom?" His lips twitched slightly, holding back a smirk as I hit his chest.

"You can't make fun of your fiancé who's losing her mom! It's against the rules! And yes, a bucket list pre se. I just, I never imagined getting married without my mom. I never imagined having kids, and my mom not being there whenever I needed her. I just.. I feel like I'm failing"

"You're not failing, baby. You're doing life at your pace. You're not even 30 yet. Losing your mom sooner than you imagined, doesn't make you a failure. It fucking sucks and that's the understatement of the year, but you're far from a failure. We both know how proud she is of you. Getting married won't change that. Buying a house won't change it"

"But.. she won't be there. The only memories I'll have are her absence in such huge milestones of my life—wait-"

"What?"

"I said wait, you asshole!" I laughed, pulling away from him, "Do you have plans, say, two days from now?" I asked, Colby giving me a weird look.

"Plans? You're looking at them"

"Great! So you're free!" 

"What? Leighton Rae, what is going on inside that head of yours?"

"Thoughts on us getting married?" I asked, butterflies swirling in my stomach as my heart started to beat just a little quicker.

"I proposed, didn't I? Or was that just some dream only I had?"

"No, no. You proposed" I wiggled my ring at him. "What if we eloped?"

"Eloped?! Are you out of your damn mind?" He whispered-yelled.

"What? Why? What's wrong with eloping?"

"Since when have you ever wanted to elope?"

"Since my mother is dying!" I harshly whispered back, Colby's head shaking.

"We're not eloping"

"What? Why!"

"Because! We're not speeding along our story all because you're scared"

"But my mom's dying, Colby!"

"I know, but you're not thinking clearly right now"

"So what, your mom can come to our wedding and mine can't?" I glared, Colby taking a deep breath.

"That isn't what I said"

"It's insinuated! I mean, my mom won't be alive anymore so what's the fucking point, huh? As long as Colby and his mom get there happily ever after! Screw Leighton and her hopes and dreams right?" I grumbled, Colby withholding a smirk.

"Are you done yet?"

"No! I mean, what's so wrong with eloping? We can do it in front of my mom! Then she'll have witnessed our wedding, knowing it actually happened! I won't have to live with the fact that she wasn't there—"

"What about our real wedding?" He interrupted. 

"Our real wedding?" 

"Yeah, you know, the one with the dress and tux, and the cake and the flowers. All the extravagant bullshit that's going to milk our bank account. What about that one? She'll still miss out on that one"

"Way to ruin the mood, asshole!" I yelled, shoving past him as best as I could, grousing to myself as I had to slowly walk down the stairs. I could feel him standing behind me, almost mocking me for having to wait for my disruptive outburst to finish as I moved at snail speed down the staircase. "I can feel your smirk" I hissed, Colby chuckling as he replied, "I have no smirk"

"Liar"

"Would I lie to you?" He asked, my hand tightening as I looked over my shoulder.

"Yes"

I walked out to the patio, Colby right behind me, much to my dismay.

"Leighton, can we talk about why you want to elope other than the fact your mom is dying?"

We both sat down on the patio chairs, my feet aching as I stretched out my foot.

"I just.. I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to miss out on these things, and I thought weddings weren't important to you?"

"They weren't"

"Weren't? As in past tense?" I cocked an eyebrow, watching him uncomfortably shift in his chair.

"Mhm"

"What changed?"

He turned to look over at me, "You're joking, right?" 

"What? No. Why?"

"Leighton, fell head over heels in love with you. That tends to change some things"

"Like weddings?" I asked, resisting the urge to pinch myself to find out if I'm dreaming.

"Like weddings."

"You want to have a wedding now?"

"I want to have a wedding now" His cheeks were pink as He looked away from me; the grin on my face made my cheeks hurt as I carefully got out of the car.

"Move forward" I stated, "In the chair" I clarified, Colby giving me a look before shifting forward.

I carefully straddled his thighs, Colby's hands immediately holding my hips, murmuring, "Careful, careful. What are you doing?"

"Straddling my fiancé"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but uh, your cute little bump takes up most of the room. I don't want you to fall off in this small chair"

"Hey!" 

"I said don't take it the wrong way!"

"Yeah, just because you say don't be offended doesn't make it not offensive! If I recall, you made me this way"

"Mhm, and I'm damn proud of it too" He grinned, leaning forward to kiss me.

"You want a wedding" I mumbled against his lips, Colby kissing me again before humming "I do"

"Save it for the wedding" I joked, giggling as he kissed down my jaw to my neck. "No hickies! My dad will murder you! I'll murder you!"

"You're no fun" He pouted.

"That's what happens when you knock them up. They're moody, and grumpy, and sore, and have to look respectable. I can't look respectable with a bruise on my neck from my lover"

"I prefer the term fiancé" He spoke softly.

"Sorry, fiancé" I giggled, finally moving off his lap, starting to get uncomfortable. "So is that a uh, no on the elopement?" I asked, adjusting my shirt back over my bump.

"What will us eloping do for you?"

"It'll give me a memory of us getting married with my mom still alive"

"Will it alter your feelings of her not being there at our actual wedding?" He asked, leaning forward in the chair, his eyes locked on me.

"I don't know" I confessed, "I just, I want a memory of her being there. Her being involved. A bride's mother is supposed to be involved. Now I'll have no one"

"You won't have no one, Leighton"

"But I won't have my mother"

"Will you be upset that we eloped, even if your mom was alive for it and it not be the wedding we now both imagined?" He asked, carefully treading the water that is our future.

"I don't know, Colby. I just know I don't have a lot of time to think about it" 

"I just don't want you to regret such a big decision, Leighton. I don't think rushing this will change your memories or feelings about when the time comes. I strongly think you'll still have wished she was there, rather than just replacing the memory with an impromptu elopement — I'd love to get married to you whenever; I just don't want you to regret anything. I know you wish you could have a longer time with your mom and that everything could go to plan and I'm sorry you're losing her" he apologized, my lower lip becoming sore due to my gnawing as I tried to push down the bubbling emotions.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye" I whimpered, hating the way my voice cracked; the emotion breaking through.

"Do you want a hug?" He asked, opening his arms for me. I hesitated before slowly nodding, walking into his embrace. 

"Sorry for always crying" I pathetically giggled, relaxing into his embrace as I let out a sigh of contentment. "I know it's annoying"

"Babe, if crying is how you process things, then it isn't annoying. I'd rather you cry than bottle it up like I do" He reassured, kissing the top of my head before squeezing me closer to him. "Plus, I think it's justifiable to cry when your mom is dying" he teased, my head lifting from his chest as my smile broadened. 

My hands moved around his neck to pull him closer whilst I stepped onto my tip-toes, pressing my lips into his for a few moments before pulling away.

"Thank you for being here with me; I don't know how'd I'd go through this without you"

The sound of the glass door sliding open caused our heads to turn, Lexi slipping out as she closed it behind her.

"Am I interrupting?" She asked, her tone making my brow furrow.

"No...? What's wrong?"

"I uh, can uh.. we um.. talk? Please?"

Colby tossed me a look as I slowly nodded, Colby excusing himself, entering the house as Lexi took his seat.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes!" She quickly stated before sighing, "No.., I don't know!" She exclaimed, "I just.. it's all happening so fast!" She panicked, a smile tugging at my lips as I watched her freak.

It was like watching my younger self sit right in front of me.

"Lexi?"

"Yeah?"

"Breathe" I exhaled, coaching her through a quick deep breathing exercise. "What's wrong?"

"What isn't wrong?!" She freaked, "Why are you grinning?"

"Because" I chuckled, Lexi huffing.

"Because why? This isn't funny"

"It's a little funny"

"How?!"

"Because you sound just like me" I giggled. "Lex, no one knows what's going on right now. Nothing feels right; it all feels fucked up. It's not just you"

"But I'm pregnant" She whined, my lips pursing as I nodded.

"Yeah, I know how that feels" 

"I don't know what to do" She exhaled, slumping back in the chair.

"About what?"

"About the baby, Brennen, mom, you"

"Me?" My voice peaked.

"Yeah"

"What about me? What did I do?"

"Nothing. I just.." I watched her throat swallow before she quietly whispered, "I'm just like you, aren't I?"

Oh.

I frowned, "Just like me?"

"Pregnant, scared, alone.." she trailed off, my jaw tightening.

"I am not alone" I argued, not having a valid point for the first two.

"The first time" She clarified.

"Okay, well, I figured it out, didn't I? I worked, I got a room, I had the baby, I did the damn thing. Why do you sound like being like me is some sort of shameful confession?"

"I never wanted to be like you" She said quietly, my face burning like her hand slapped me.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want you to be like me either; but here we are. You know, you're not the first scared, alone, young, pregnant woman to ever exist! If you want the baby, you figure it out. If you don't want the baby, there are options. All I've done is try to be helpful towards you, and all you have in return is "I never wanted to be like you"?" I altered my voice, mocking her before crossing my arms over my boobs.

"I just meant I saw you struggle. I saw what happened; I don't want that, Leighton"

"Then there are options! And Lexi, I wasn't just struggling because I had a newborn. There were a lot more factors to the equation than late night feedings and diaper changes sending me for a spiral. You cannot take my suffering at face value for what having a baby at a young age will mean for you. I'm an addict. I struggle with that. I had relationship problems with everyone. I struggled keeping a job, I struggled to pay rent sometimes. Everything was up in the air all the time because I struggled. Day in, day out, I struggled; and I still do. Even the hard days with Gemma, I would never change it. The days I want to relapse, I don't look at her face and think "You're the reason I'm sober". Some days, she's the reason I want to drink, or smoke, or snort something and that's the reality of struggling and having an addiction. You love them to pieces, but sometimes, they're the reason you want something to calm you down. You can have wine at the end of a hard day. You can wind down, relax, and start over tomorrow. I don't get to do that Lexi. My struggle is not the same. You may be pregnant, and we may be sisters, but you don't have the same rocky path I do; or, at least I hope not?" My head tilted, my eyes narrowed as I tried to read her faceless expression.

"I don't" She verified, and I just nodded, knowing that even if she did, the likeness of telling me was slim.

"You need to understand that this child is a lifelong commitment. Whether someone is by your side or not, he or she is yours and I hope that you never have to worry about CPS coming to your door. I hope you never have to call someone to babysit your child for two weeks whilst you're in rehab - but Lexi, if you do, I want that person to be me. I want to be in your corner, whether you have this baby or not. If you want an abortion, I'll be there if you'd like. If you want an adoption, I'll help you look into agencies, if you want to keep it, I'll help you any way I can, but... I don't want you to see that being pregnant at a young age is identical to what I went through. My shit was a completely different beast. It'll be hard, and shit will never make sense, but... Lex, you're not alone.. and" my voice quivered as my eyes filled with tears, "I really.. I really need you.. to hear me.. when I say that, because.. because hearing you're not alone.. when it.. god, sorry" I exhaled, sniffling, taking a deep breath and rolling out my shoulder blades, I tried again, "Hearing you're not alone, when it feels like you against the world.. just.. it feels like you can breathe again" I felt my sinuses start to burn as I withheld the tears from cascading down my face, glancing away out of embarrassment for showcasing my raw emotion; I placed my hand over my chest, "I finally had someone tell me it wasn't just me" feeling my throat swallow the built up emotion as my vision blurred, "And I finally felt like I had a team behind me, and to.. to.." I swallowed again, sniffling, "To have someone in your corner.. to have support? It changes your view on life. On.. on your choices. I.. I wanted to maybe abort G, or give her up.. but I had these voices in my ear telling me I could do it. These people who were down to help whenever I needed, telling me.. telling me that" I sniffled again, wiping under my eye to quickly catch the escaping tear, "Telling me that I wasn't alone, and they.. they were there to help. Gemma wouldn't be with us today if it wasn't for them. I need you to know at the end of the day, whenever you need it, I'm here to help and I love you no matter what choice you make for the baby" the tears finally flowed, my hand struggling to keep up with the cascading emotion as the memories of Sam and Colby played through my head like an old movie on film.

Lexi was quiet as I pulled myself together, licking her lips before looking up at me.

"I feel guilty" She confessed, licking her lips again.

"About?"

"I think.." she paused, glancing down at the concrete for a moment before back up at me, "I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can be pregnant, knowing what it's from. Who it's from. Birth a baby and have them live with the fact that they're a product of such a horrific situation. Look into their eyes and just.. just know what I'm looking at. I'm terrified it will never go away. The thought, the 24/7 replay in my brain that this child is a child of rape, and not love.. feels.. feels so wrong! And.. and.. and volatile! But I feel so guilty for having the word abortion float around in my head because I know that isn't what mom would want. That isn't how I was raised.. and the idea of this baby being babies is terrifying! But every time I look at my stomach, and think about it growing, and giving birth, and raising that baby... all I can think about is how I got here" She spiraled, her shoulders tensing as she sat upright, "I'm losing myself, I'm losing mom, I'm losing my family and my friends and I'm possibly going to lose this baby that I don't even know if I'll regret! 12 weeks is a short amount of time to make such a big decision!" 

"You're not losing yourself, you're just finding a new version" I repeated the words that I've heard one too many times from my therapist. "And Lex, the way you're phrasing possibly aborting the baby tells me you already know you'll regret it; even if you don't know that yet. You can't lose something you've never had. You have one, and if you were okay with willingly giving it up, or away, I don't think you'd be losing it so much as gaining something else instead and hey, you don't want to look like this?" I motioned to my belly, wiggling my hips as I pointed at it before wincing, my hand moving to my back as Lexi laughed at my miserly.

"Yeah, nothing better than tripling your weight, constantly being in pain and always needing to pee" She sarcastically replied, my smile broadening.

"Don't forget the vomiting!"

"Ah, yes! The selling point!" 

We both laughed, my cheeks tight from my smile, "You know, the real selling point is the baby, right? All of this is worth it because you get a baby at the end" 

"Didn't you just tell me your daughter wanted to make you smoke and drink?"

I laughed, "Yes, but the cute I love you's and watching them grow is what I meant! I mean, you've seen G and when she isn't crying or screaming, isn't she just adorable?"

"That feels like a trick question" She snickered, the feelings of butterflies in my stomach made me giggle as I placed my hand over the feeling. "Plus, if I kept the baby, what would I do about Brennen?"

"Just don't tell him. Colby hasn't seen him in forever. Just tell people you don't want him to know" I shrugged, Lexi glaring at me.

"How are you so nonchalant about this?"

"Because if I'm not nonchalant I'll leave to go smash his face in with my fist. Plus, even if you did tell him, doesn't mean he'll stay. This baby is inside of you and as much as it sucks, it is yours whether he pays child support or not" I shrugged again, taking a seat due to my hips starting to hurt.

"Did Gabe pay?"

"Pay what? Child support?" I questioned, Lexi nodding; "At times. He's in med school, so there were times I didn't get it and he's been trying to make up for it. All of it goes towards Gemma and leftover shit stays in a G bank account so if I need it for her when I'm in a pinch, or if she grows up, she has it. It's hers"

Lexi and I watched the sunset over the horizon, pretty oranges and yellows masking the sky above the tall green trees as we discussed baby's and life with a newborn turned toddler. 

It felt so weird to sit in the backyard, talking to my baby sister about her having a baby. I felt like I popped into the middle of the fourth season of a TV show; completely clueless and fumbling the clue card pieces together.

 "Just know, it's your choice to make. You're making the right choice for you right now, not you in the future. If you keep it, great. We're all down to help. You see them all with G. You should know you'll be okay, and if you chose to not have the baby, that's your right now choice. You can't regret it later just because your future changed and hey, maybe you'll never regret it. The future till tell you, but you have to make the smart choice for you right now. Not you in three to five years, or ten years down the line. Forget Brennen and his shitty placement in it. Think about this baby being a baby, and not a reminder of what happened and if you truly can't get over the idea of it, there are always open adoptions" I reminded her, Lexi and I wrapping up due to Gemma's bedtime approaching.

Slipping on Gemma's shoes whilst Colby double checked that we had everything left a buzzing feeling in the back of my mind; an overwhelming thought of leaving Lexi and my mom in time of need washed an immense feeling of guilt all over me as we backed out of the driveway.

"You're quiet" Colby noted, his hand on my knee, squeezing softly.

I could feel his eyes on me as I leaned against the cool glass window, watching the world go by as we drove home.

"Just thinking"

"You're always thinking" he hummed softly, cluing me in on the fact Gemma was falling asleep in the backseat. 

"There's a lot to think about" I replied quietly, hearing him chuckle softly. 

"Want to share with the class?"

Do I tell him Lexi's pregnant? Do I tell him what Brennen did? Is that crossing some sort of sister line?

"Not right now" I chose before I could fully think it through, Colby's questioning gaze burning a hole in the side of my head from his quick glance.

"Is it something bad?" He asked.

Is it?

I mean, yeah.. but.. not for me?

How do I answer this?

"Just complex. It doesn't concern me though, so I don't know if I can share. Lexi has a lot going on right now, and I feel like I'm slowly getting my sister back and I don't want to ruin it by telling you something I shouldn't"

We both quietly did our night time routine.

Colby placed Gemma in bed, me starting the dishwasher and sanitizing the counters before we both met in the bathroom to brush our teeth.

Colby spat out his toothpaste, running his hands under the water before drying them on the towel.

He stared at me for a second through the mirror, discomfort making my muscles tense as I paused brushing my teeth, tiling my head.

"You sure you're alright?" He asked, my eyes squinting before nodding, leaning over to spit out the toothpaste and run the water over the toothbrush.

"I'm fine, Colby. Promise. Well, besides my back murdering me" I chuckled, Colby immediately moving behind me, pushing his thumbs into my sore muscles releasing a relieved moan from me; this hand pushing in on my lower back.

"I've missed the sound of you moaning, it's been a while" He hummed, his lips finding my neck, my head resting back against his chest as I relished in the physical attention.  

"I'm sorry I've been so absent with you" I sighed, "I'm struggling to juggle all these life events that keep getting chucked at me. It doesn't help that everything hurts. I swear this pregnancy is going to murder my body by the end of it"

"You've always struggled unloading some of your plate on someone else. I'm use it, Leigh baby" He snickered, pressing a kiss on my upper back, just below my neck.

"If we go easy on my back, I might be willing to end our celibacy" I watched him through the mirror, biting my lower lip then giggling when his head whipped up with wide eyes.

"You serious?"

"I mean, it has been a while and all your kisses are making my vagina remember just how good it felt having you back on it, and in it" I smiled, my hand finding his, pulling his hand down to my crotch, slipping him inside of my underwear to feel the warmth and wetness accumulate.

I could hear the quiet groan he let out as he melted into my back; his chin resting on my shoulder as his fingers began to play with my crease and folds before spreading me and teasing my center.

I quietly moaned as I felt his middle finger go in a slow circular motion around my opening, desperately wanting him to indulge.

"Fuck, that feels good" I exhaled, my eyes falling shut as he did it again, pathetically panting like a bitch in heat as he toyed with me.

"I've missed this" Colby murmured, his lips finding my neck against, sucking and licking at me.

"I swear if you leave a mark there-" I started to threaten, only to gasp when Colby shoved two fingers into me, my sore, tight muscles contracting and burning a little as he stretched me open.

"God, you're so fucking tight" he groaned, pulling a mewl out of me. "It's been a while since I've stretched this perfect pussy, hasn't it?" he hummed, my head nodding slowly as my body weight fully leaned against his back.

I could feel his erection start to stiffen against my ass, Colby rutting against me softly as he pumped his fingers.

"You are not getting me off by dry humping me, I swear to god if you cum and you're not inside of me- Oooh" I whined, feeling another hand slip under the waistband of my shorts and cup my ass, his finger brushing up and down the crease of my ass, teasing me.

"You want it, baby?" He teased, a slightly louder moan making me bite down hard on my lip, feeling his fingers work me as his thumb brushed against my clit, his other hand squeezing my bare ass. "Should we get rid of these shorts before you wreck them? Hm?" 

"Fuck, Colby" I groaned, his fingers leaving my skin as he pulled down my shorts and underwear, exposing me under the harsh bathroom light. 

"You're so beautiful baby" he cooed, his hand rubbing my ass before slapping it, a gasp leaving my lips as my hips spread for him, my hands grabbing the counter.

"As hot as this is Colby, I've got a bowling ball in here. I can't lean against the counter if you want to spank me. We have to move to the bedroom or it's getting cut short" I informed, feeling my body want to fall against the counter top as my body craved his and the weight of my belly reminded me gravity exists.

Colby grabbed my hand, pulling me into our bedroom, flipping on the side lamp as I carefully crawled onto the bed, Colby placing a few pillows for me to elevate myself before he turned on some music, placing it on the dresser next to the door to try and help drown out our noises.

I leaned on all fours against the pillows, relief on my muscles being a welcomed feeling.

"Comfy?" He asked, myself humming as I rocked on my knees a little. "How sore do you want to be?" He questioned, the bed dipping behind me, the feeling of his bare legs against mine as he leaned forward on my back, moving my shirt up, exposing my skin to him, placing kisses against the skin.

"Nothing extreme. I'm already in pain as it is. Pain isn't pleasure when you're pregnant" I chuckled, shifting slightly so my hands were in front of me, relieving the weight from my elbows.

Colby placed his hand on the middle of my back, slowly moving down to my ass before rubbing the tender skin and spanking me a few more times.

The feeling of his warm breath on the hot skin made me squirm, panting out of need and annoyance of being quiet.

His fingers traced over the crease of my ass before moving down to my vagina, spreading my labia with his fingers, my moan being drowned out by my face in the pillow as he licked at me.

"Oh my god" I groaned, pushing back against him as his tongue lapped at my clit and his fingers slowly pushed back into me, moving in and out at a snail's pace.

"You're getting so wet, baby" He groaned, licking from my opening all the way to my clit, his tongue circling around the sensitive nerves before going back down to my opening.

"Colby!" I shrieked, feeling his tongue press against my asshole. "I— oh my god" I groaned, my cheeks flushing pink as his finger prodded at the tight muscle. 

His finger came back down to my opening, pushing in and doing a circular motion against the muscles, collecting my wetness before pushing back again at the tight ring of muscle holding protest of his entry.

"You're getting so fucking wet, Leighton. You love the idea of me playing with your asshole, don't you baby? Getting all wet and fucked out for me. Looking so fucking pretty and needy as I play with your pulsating holes. Fuck," he hissed,  "You look gorgeous, babe. One second, I'm grabbing the lube" He communicated, abandoning my helpless and needy body.

I heard the bottle pop open, the anticipation growing as my eyes fell shut, awaiting the blissful feeling that was my soon to be husband.

"Ready?" He questioned, my head nodding as I exhaled.

"Yes" I finally answered, catching my breath as I tried to relax for him after repositioning my body, feeling my left hip muscle pull in my back.

Colby's slender, lubed up fingers slowly pushed into my ass; I took deep inhales and exhales as I tried to stay calm, wanting to feel him in me.

His fingers very slowly started to scissor his fingers, opening me up for him.

"It feels weird" I giggled, wiggling slightly, causing me to push back against him, a low grumble leaving my throat before I gasped, "Fuck, that feels good. Wait-" I slowly rocked my hips into him, loving the feeling of his finger moving in and out of me. "God, that's good" I groaned, ignoring his chuckle. "We've got to do this when I'm not pregnant and my knees aren't wanting to chop my head off" I snickered, repositioning again, only to feel Colby's fingers leave me again.

"Flip over, baby"

"I can't lay on my back, Colby"

"Mhm, I know. We'll prop you up so I can make you comfortably cum" He teased, helping me move onto my back, pillows behind me, giving me a better view of him in all his glory.

"You're so fucking hard" I noted, feeling my muscles clench around nothing, "Please, fuck me, Colby" I started to whine, the need becoming unreal.

"Are you turning into a pretty little slut for me? Begging for my cock? It's been so long, hasn't it baby girl" He coaxed, crawling up onto the bed, his hand wrapping around his erection, giving a few tugs before swiping his head through my folds.

"Jesus christ, Colby!" I yelled, the tip of his penis pushing up against my clit.

"Feel good, baby?" He did it again, and again until I was a moaning mess, begging him to enter me and give into my craving.

My hips started to rock against his as he kept hitting my clit, desperate for some sort of relief.

"Please, Colby!" I begged, "I need you inside of me so fucking badly" I cried.

Without any warning, I felt the head of his penis at my opening, pushing my muscles open again for him, welcoming him like a warm hug as I cried out from relief.

"You're so fucking wet, Leighton" He groaned, pumping into me at a slow pace.

"God, you're stretching me out so good" I mewled again, rocking my hips slightly, "Oh my god!" I yelled, Colby pushing in deep, hitting all the right nerves to make my eyes roll back. "Jesus christ!" I panted, "Fuck! Pregnancy sex hits fucking different, oh my god" I groaned, wishing I could ride his cock without my hip muscles burning.

I wanted to be fucking railed and fucked out of my mind, but I knew I couldn't and that pissed me off.

I tried so hard to make it rougher and quicker, but every time I slammed my hips up to meet his, I could feel the tightness and the soreness in my back muscles.

"I need you deep, baby" I whined, tears starting to roll down my face. "I want to ride you so badly. Go so fucking deep- Ahhh!" I moaned out, Colby's fingers entering my ass again. "Oh my god- ohh! Fuck! That feels so good, please don't stop! Oh my god" 

"Cum for me baby. You look so pretty all fucked out and begging. Tears streaming down your face as you plead for me to keep going. I've missed this with you, Leighton. I've missed marking you and reminding you how good we feel together. God, you're dripping down your thighs" He groaned, removing his fingers from my ass, ignoring my protest as he covered his fingers in my arousal, licking them clean with a groan. "Fucking" he thrusted, "Missed" thrusted again. "This"

"Please let me ride you. I need you deep, baby. I need you so fucking deep" I cried, wanting to feel him in my belly.

"Come here baby" His arms went under mine, pulling me towards him before having me move back onto my tummy, "Spread your beautiful thighs for me, Leighton. If you want me deep, I need you open for me. Does anything hurt?" He asked, my hips rocking against the pillows.

"My.. my lower back is.. is sore. My hips.. hips burn a little" I communicated, starting to whine as I continued to rock, wanting to feel him inside of me again; "Fucking worth it though"

"Want this pussy sore too, baby? Want me to pound into you deep and hard? Make you see stars?" He asked, my head nodding as I groaned into the pillow, "Stop moving your hips, Let me do the work" 

I obliged, feeling him push himself back in slowly, resisting the urge to slam back against him.

He started moving slowly again before slowly picking up pace and eventually pounding into me, the sounds of our moans and groans along with our skin slapping together filled the bedroom, drowning out whatever music was playing.

"I'm so fucking close!" I cried out, feeling the perfect amount of stretch that was going to remind me of tonight, tomorrow. "Fuck, it feels so good, Colby!"

"You're so fucking wet, I'm practically slipping out of you" He groaned, "What got you so wet, Leighton? Was it me kissing your skin? Eating you out? Playing with your tight little asshole? Maybe it was that puffy little clit that missed my attention. It reacted so sweetly to me, puffed up real nice and big, letting me know just how fucking ready you were for me. The way this cunt fucking dripped as I lapped at it, pulling me big fucking cock in with need. You're so fucking needy, aren't you baby? Wanting my fucking fingers in your pussy so bad, you just had to fucking have me in the bathroom. Couldn't fucking help yourself, hm, Leighton? Needed me so fucking badly?"

I couldn't reply, moans of ecstasy falling out with no signs of stopping as my stomach clenched, the warmth spreading all over as my muscles tightened around him.

"I'm going to fucking cum! Oh my god!" I cried out.

"Cum, baby. Cum all over me. Fucking drench me. I've missed my messy baby girl. Remind me how much your puffy pussy leaks" he coaxed, slapping my ass, getting a groan from me as my body still. I could feel the wetness drip down to my ass and onto the bed as I cried out, Colby fucking me through my orgasm. 

"Are you close?" I cried out, coming down from my intense orgasm, his cock twitching inside of me before he could even reply.

"So fucking close; gonna fuck my cum into you, remind you how I knocked you up in the first place" he panted, harshly thrusting into my sensitive cunt.

"Want you to fill me up so bad!" I whined, "Want your cum dripping out of me, making a fucking mess all over my thighs. Mark me up baby, leave me drenched in white" I begged, wishing I could watch the way his cum would spill out from the head of his cock into me.

"God, you're such a slut for my cum, aren't you?" He groaned, his eyes falling shut before opening again, finding mine as he stilled hovering over me; the warmth and wetness filling me as he groaned loudly.

I whined, spreading my legs wider, wanting it fucked back into me; only to feel his cock slide out.

"Colby-" I started to complain, only for him to interrupt me.

"You're so fucking full of cum I just fucking fell out, you fucking whore; god I love you" he groaned, swiping his finger through my sensitive folds, showing me our cum mixture.

I stuck my tongue out, awaiting the welcomed substance, only to feel his spit land on my tongue before he swiped his cum down my tongue with his finger, his lips immediately finding mine, shoving his tongue into my mouth, playing with it as I moaned at the feeling. 

He pulled away, both of us breathless; "You look so beautiful, Leighton. I love you" 

"Mm" I moaned, "I love you too. Now fuck your cum back into me. Don't want it go to waste"

* * * * 

This chapter without smut was 7.8k goodnight and goodbye. This is the longest chapter of the entire series I- I didn't want to rob you and uh.. well.. I got carried away 🤪

I always play Into You by Ariana Grande or Body Say by Demi Lovato when I write smut lol #funfact  - What do you think Leigh + Colby would put on for a sex song? lol

We're halfway through this book already O_o

Written on: September 5th, 8th, 11th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 23rd 2023

Published on: September 23rd 2023

Word Count: 10201

Twenty One

[britswriting]

Devotion (18)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on wattpad

T/W: Self harm! - not graphic detail, just a little brief thought process explanation that can be triggering!

C/W: brief smut

*Leighton's POV*

The anxiety I felt as I waited at the restaurant table for Colby felt completely unknown.

I couldn't sit still for the life of me. I was convinced I looked like a crazy person as I fiddled with my straw, my leg constantly bouncing and my thumb endlessly scrolling through my phone.

What if I was making the wrong choice?

With us selling my parents house, I decided it was time to grow up and move back in with Colby; after all, if we were going to make this relationship work, and actually raise a family together, it would be extremely useful if we were under the same roof. The only thing is I had a few rules I wanted to enforce first; and the idea of telling Colby what those things were was honestly making my heart beat out of my chest.

On top of my feeling like I was running for my life, all whilst sitting at this booth, Colby was running late.

I resisted the urge I had to text him, by texting Aaliyah a few times, wanting to see when she was free to meet up, or even just open to a phone call, but it was complete radio silence on her end.

Half an hour later than we agreed on, I was starting to get fed up, hitting call on Colby's contact only for him to finally walk through the restaurant door.

"I'm so sorry" He immediately apologized, sliding into the booth across from me.

"You're half an hour late, Colby" I huffed, leaning back against the booth.

"I know, and I apologize. I left the house late and then I hit traffic, I'm sorry" he explained and I licked my lips, nodding as I reached for my drink, Colby wiggling a little in his seat, "You're mad" he sighed. "I didn't mean to be late, I swear"

"I'm not mad" I mumbled, setting my drink back down, "I'm just irritated. Waiting is one thing, waiting half an hour is another. Especially when you're anxious about what you want to discuss, and everyone at the restaurant is sending you pity looks because it looks like you're being stood up on on a date"

"I'm sorry" he repeated.

"It's fine. Let's just order" I replied softly, my foot tapping against the worn tile.

"You haven't ordered?" Colby asked, sounding surprised, and maybe even a little guilty, "Leighton, you didn't have to wait for me"

"I didn't know you were going to be half an hour late. It's fine, I wanted to eat with you anyway"

We both ordered our food, Colby asking how Gemma's been and if we've continued our preschool search to which I informed him that I put in a few applications but I wasn't sure if any of them were really going to work out.

I also mentioned that I had put in my two weeks notice at my fast food job since I landed a new position working at a retail store that had better pay; to which he congratulated me on.

"At least you're out of the shitty fast food field" he muttered quickly, glancing around causing me to giggle.

"It wasn't too bad. I mean, I wasn't dealing with all the costumers really anymore, it's just... the smell, and being pregnant.. it was rough. With the new job, sure I start a little lower on the totem pole, but I plan to keep this job whilst I go through my first few years of college" I started to explain, Colby's brow furrowing.

"Your first few years of college? You're finally doing that?" he asked and I nodded slowly, "Not to uh, sound unsupportive, but how do you plan to manage having a four year old, a newborn, a new career and go to school? You're going to get burnt out Leighton"

I felt my walls start to quickly build up as I took a deep breath, reminding myself to listen to him.

I understood where he was coming from, it was a lot.. but what, was I just supposed to put these things on hold because I have kids? Many people accomplish these goals with families, why couldn't I?

"I'll figure it out" I shrugged, Colby giving me a weird look.

"I understand that... but doesn't it seem just a little bit.. uh, out of reach? A little in over your head?" He asked, a frown tugging on my lips.

"I need to go school Colby. I want to go to school. I want to feel accomplished in that way"

"I understand. When do you plan on signing up?" he asked.

"Well, I was thinking not for a little bit. I mean, I don't want to miss a lot of school when I'm in labor, and I know the newborn days will be rough.. so I was thinking maybe when she's a few months old? Gemma was in hopefully preschool, or some sort of afternoon activity? I wasn't thinking like starting tomorrow, if that's your concern"

By the time our food arrived, Colby and I ate a little bit before he finally asked, "So what is it that has you're anxiety acting up? I didn't think I was that nerve racking to talk to"

"It's not that I'm nervous to talk to you" I chuckled, "It's just.. to be honest, I'm nervous of making the wrong decision. I don't necessarily have the most perfect track record" I stated, Colby snickering at me, slipping the pickle off of his plate and onto mine.

"Just tell me. We can figure it out together, but I can't help if I don't know what you're worried about"

I sighed, taking a deep breath, flicking the salt from the fries off of my fingers before letting my eyes find his, "So you know how my dad's decided to sell the house?" I started, Colby nodding, "Well, it got me thinking about how uh, um, I kinda.. need a place to sleep, ya know?" I nervously laughed, "So I was thinking.. maybe G and I could move back in?" I slowly got out, Colby's eyes widening a little as his lips parted.

"You're serious?"

"Well.. yeah. Is that... is that okay?"

"Leighton! That's more than okay! That's all I've wanted. Oh my god, you're not joking, right?" He had me reconfirm, my head shake making a boyish grin show up on his face, "When are you planning on moving back in? Do you need help? I'm willing to help" he quickly rattled, the 0 to 100 energy taking me by surprise.

"I don't know yet, I need to figure it all out. I was uh— Okay, listen to my full sentence before you get too excited" I started, Colby's eyes narrowing a little as he nodded. "I would like to start the process of looking into buying a house. Or lease is coming to an end of December, so instead of renewing.. I was thinking.. we could buy a house together? I want to test the waters a little bit when we first move back in before jumping into the deep end, but that's where my head has been at. I just.. I want to start building our life together properly. I want to start with a house. I mean, our apartment is getting quite cramped, Colby. The room that is currently your office would have to become the nursery, which isn't fair to you. We don't have space for if Sam wanted to come stay with us, or when Gemma starts having sleepovers. I just really want us to have more space. More area to live in. I want to start getting ready with a nursery, and putting together a real space to call our own. A space where we can paint the walls, and change our fixtures" I rambled, the grin never falling off of Colby's face as he nodded at what I was saying.

"You're nesting" he chimed in, my eyes rolling, even though I knew he was right. "So step one, you move back in, step two, we look for a house" He nodded, making me laugh.

"So you're on board?"

"Are you kidding? I'm more than on board, Leighton! I'm driving fucking ship! You're coming back home! Gemma's coming back home! I'm so—" he paused, his head shaking out of disbelief, my cheeks becoming tight from the smile on my face.

"Ah ah" I tsked, shaking my head, "Don't get too ahead of yourself. I have uh, rules, I want you and me to follow" I warned, Colby freezing.

"Rules?"

"Mhm" I hummed, "The first one I'm not willing to change my mind on" I continued, watching the apprehensiveness tense up his muscles.

"Okay..."

"I want a sober house." I stated, chewing on my lower lip as my leg bounced a little, waiting for his reaction.

"A sober house?" He repeated, myself nodding, "Like, drinking?"

"And drugs"

His forehead wrinkled, "I don't do drugs"

"But I do. I said you and me. Not just you. I want us both to agree to this"

"Okay... I uh, I can do that" He nodded, surprising me that there was no push back.

"Really? You're not gonna argue with me?"

"Leighton, you're worth more to me than alcohol. If anything, drinking has really ruined both of our lives. I want you, and Gemma, way more than I do a beer, or whiskey"

"A sober house means a sober house though, Colby" I repeated, "That means if Sam comes over, there is no drinking in our house"

I watched realization appear on his face, my stomach dropping.

Is this where we're going to have problems?

"Like.. forever?" He asked and I nodded slowly, afraid of everything crumbling beneath me.

"At least for now" I settled, feeling like I was walking on a rickety bridge with a few loose boards, really clutching onto my life with every inhale that Colby took.

"For now? What does that mean?"

"I don't want to limit you forever. I just, I don't want it in our house for now. For a while. I don't want the temptations or the reminders whilst I continue to work on becoming confident in my willpower of recovery. I want to say goodbye to the substances that have ruined my life. Plus, with your recent track record of a DUI, I just don't want it to be available under our roof. That doesn't mean you can't go out to the bar, or drink at someone else's house, I just.. well, if you do that, I'd really like you to confirm with someone who isn't going, even if that's just me, to come get you. I don't want you to have any chance to get another DUI, whether you think you're capable or not. I just worry, is all..." I sighed, Colby nodding, a guilty look in his eye as his shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry I've caused you to worry. That was never intention"

"I know, I just.. I don't want the opportunity to drink alone, or on a whim to be available. Nothing good has come from it"

"I'm willing to try. It's kind of habit to buy alcohol just have on hand" He said and I nodded, understanding what he meant since he normally drank with his friends. "Is that your only rule? No substances?" He asked and I shrugged, playing around a little bit with my food.

"I want us to take our meds together"

His brow furrowed, "You don't trust me?"

"At this moment? No. But, then we both know. I know you took your anti depressant and you know I've taken my shit load of pregnancy vitamins and my own anxiety medication. It's not like I'm just standing there and making sure you've swallowed it" I giggled, "I just thought maybe, to ease both our mines, we make it a habit that we do it together each morning" I did a small shoulder shrug, Colby nodding slowly.

"I can try. You'll have to remind me"

"Okay, I can do that. One more thing" I held up my finger, Colby's head tilting. "I want us to start our mornings off together with Gemma, and finish our evenings together. I want her to see us as a unit. A family. I understand we have work, and it's easier said than done, but whether it's a quick phone call, or whatever.. I just want us to figure it out. I really want us both to be there for her; especially since we have another little one on the way. I don't want it to be Leighton Fox and Colby Brock. I want Leigh and Colby. Does that make sense?"

"That's harder for me to agree to due to how long some of our nights can get, especially with us traveling out of town. I think we need to reconsider the whole morning and night thing if I'm gone. That's a lot harder to swing when I'm working" His lips pursed, my own rolling into a thin line.

"I just don't want Gemma, or myself to feel forgotten about when you're working. We've gone so long without each other that I don't want to continue to walk in our old habits. I can tell you right now I'm going to need a lot of help with this baby, and Gemma. You can't work as much when the baby is born. Gemma was hard. I mean, you know that" I pointed out, remembering when he had babysat her for me when I went back to rehab, "But it's going to be a lot harder now that she'll be going to school and becoming more of a real person and less of a little blob attached to my hip, plus having a new baby. I just want us to be on the same page"

"Why do you think I don't want to be a part of this family?" He suddenly asked, catching me off guard.

"What? Is that a rhetorical question?" I asked, Colby shaking his head, "What do you mean?"

"Everything you're saying, you're saying it like I'm joining the family. Not creating the family. I feel like I'm your friend whose helping out with Gemma again, rather than your fiancé who is biologically the father of your unborn child"

"I apologize if that's how it sounded. I just wanted us to be on the same page considering we haven't been under the same roof in a while, and the last time we were didn't go to well"

Colby agreed to do his best, the two of us finishing our lunch as we discussed when I would move back in, Colby hesitantly agreed with me when I told him I wanted to help my dad with packing and cleaning up the house so it was able to be listed on the market.

~

"Put that down!" I shrieked, Colby going through my old school projects my mom had tossed in a box under the stairs.

"What? It's cute" He laughed, shaking the kindergarten art project that was a paper plate with googley eyes and pipe cleaners.

"I can't believe she kept that" I huffed, setting my box of old school papers to the side.

"You're telling me you want to throw this out? Look at it's eyes!" He shook the plate.

"No!"

"Look into it's eyes and tell it you don't want it" He moved the plate closer to me, my nose wrinkling.

"I don't want it!"

"Leigh, we can't just throw away your entire childhood" He chuckled, tossing the old art project into one of the trash bags.

"Well we can't keep everything. Where are we going to put it in the apartment?" I asked, trying to hold back my smug smile.

"We can put them in a storage locker, you know?" he mentioned, "If we're buying a house, there is going to be room for your sentimental things. You don't have to throw them all out. Do you plan on just getting rid of all these memories?" he asked, grabbing another art project.

"I just figured they'd be taking up space. Do you have your old projects?" I asked, moving onto another bin.

"I think my mom has them" he chuckled, my lips pursing as I glanced up at him.

"And you're giving me shit?"

"I wasn't giving you shit, you're just getting rid of like everything"

"Well I don't know what I want to keep, so might as well" I shrugged, shoving another bin out of the way once I realized it was Logan's shit.

"What are you doing?" Gemma's tiny slightly slurred voice asks, her little body peering over my shoulder.

"We're going through mommy's childhood stuff, want to help?" I asked, Gemma shaking her head making me laugh.

"What do you think of mommy's old project?" Colby asked, holding up yet another art project I didn't remember.

"Looks silly" she giggled, Colby handing it to her, "Momma make dis?"

"Mhm"

"Mommy's gotten better" She giggled, my jaw dropping in offense.

"You don't think this is good? I was like eight when I made this!" I fake shrieked, swiping the paper of dried water colored paint from her.

"Messy!" she giggled, pointing at my work, my jaw still dropped but I stayed quiet, shaking my head as her and Colby conversed about another art project.

Gemma stayed with us for a little bit before running off when Harper got here, Logan having come over to go through his own bins of shit.

"Think Lexi will come do hers?" He asked, a few containers of her stuff getting shoved towards the stairs.

"I don't fucking know. For all I know she's never speaking to me again" I huffed, sliding my now gone through bin over to Colby.

"I guess Landon has heard from her? I don't know much more than that" He informed, speaking again when I stayed quiet, "Leighton? You alright?"

I swallowed the emotions that were building in my throat, nodding, "It just sucks, that's all" I replied quietly, pulling out a folder of old tests that had all sorts of different grades on them, tossing the entire folder into the trash pile.

"Woah, what was all that?" Colby asked, the loud thud catching his attention.

"My old tests, I don't know why she kept those" I snickered, "I mean, a lot of them were from like middle, high school"

"Oh I need to see these. What kind of student was Leighton Fox?" Colby rhetorically asked, picking up the worn red folder that had faded edged due to it being a $2 cardboard folder from a decade ago.

"B....B plus... C minus... d plus?" His eyebrow raised at me, pulling out one of my math sheets to show Logan and I the bright red D- written on the top with a circle around it.

"Shut up, I wasn't good at math, leave me alone!" I defended, Colby chuckling as he continued to dig through the papers, reading off all of my different grades, "A plus in science?" his eyebrow raised.

"And?"

"You're a science nerd, huh?"

"Why? Because one paper from the seventh grade has an A plus? I probably cheated on it anyway" I snickered, Logan tsking. "Shut up! You cheated all the time! None of us have math genes and you got all A's all the fucking time" I rolled my eyes, Logan faking offense, "I did not"

"You did too! You were too busy tryna get into Miranda's pants"

"She was hot and a cheerleader!" He defended himself, my eyes rolling as Colby snickered.

"You thought all cheerleaders were hot, but didn't dare look at the other jock kids. You were shallow in high school. Glad Cynthia changed your ways" I teased, Logan's eyes rolling.

"What's this?" Colby asked, stopping our augmented banter.

"What's what?"

"This" Colby turned a piece of paper around.

"Oh" I stated, my eyes locked on the photo in front of me.

"That's Lex and Leigh" Logan answered for me, Colby's brow furrowed as he turned the photo back around.

"That's Leighton?" he confirmed, Logan nodding.

"Mom had us get professional photos done when the twins were babies. They made a whole day out of it and Leighton was so crabby the entire car ride because she skipped her nap" Logan snickered, "And I remember having to feed her some of my snacks so she'd stop crying and waking the babies. She never paid me back" He cocked an eyebrow, turning to look at me.

"Whatever" my eyes rolled, "You were just as annoying"

"Oh yeah? I bet you don't even remember that day" he shot back, my eyes narrowing.

"You were these ugly blue suspenders that you threw a fit about because mom wanted you to wear the gray ones so you'd match; but your blue ones had Batman on them"

"Do you have more photos of you as a toddler?" Colby asked, glancing around the mess we had created.

"Mom has a few photo albums, why?" I asked.

"I just, I never realized how much you look like Gemma"

My head shook, "Really? I don't see it"

"You had blonde hair as a toddler, so does she. Granted, it's started to darken a little bit" he turned the photo back around, "But you guys look very similar"

"She has a lot of Gabe's features though" I shrugged, hoping Logan doesn't go dig out the family albums considering he also has embarrassing photos in there.

Colby got quiet, the silence lingering as I shoved a box titled "Logan's High School CDs" towards him, pulling out another that was labeled "Leighton + Lexi baby clothes" piquing my interest as I lifted the lid, Colby's throat cleared; "Do you think our baby will look like you? You and Gem?" He asked, my hands pulling out different articles of clothes.

"Hm?" I hummed, looking up at him.

"I asked if you thought our baby will look like you girls"

I shrugged, "I mean, I think G looks like her dad, so maybe our baby will look like you. Just take my genes out of the equation completely" I snickered, Colby shaking his head.

"I want my baby to look just like you. I want all your genes, even the crazy ones" he grinned, my jaw dropping.

"Hey!"

"You're beautiful, Leighton. Our girls would be lucky to look like you. I honestly want our littlest one to have your beautiful eyes and smile"

"Yours are just as pretty, she's lucky either way" I complimented back, Logan fake gagging making us laugh. "Was this mine or Lexi's? Do you remember?" I asked Logan, pulling out an old baby dress.

"Was probably both of yours"

"I'm keeping this for the little one" I murmured, setting it aside and pulling out another, "Oh my god look at these little overalls"

"That has you written all over it" Logan laughed, my smile widening as I stared down at it, wishing I had found this box sooner when Gemma was a baby.

"I can't wait to dress our baby in cute things" I sighed, Colby grabbing my accumulating pile of clothes and putting them into one of our keep bags.

"Have you guys thought any more about baby names? Cynthia said it was quite the hot topic lately"

"Gemma suggested the name Rosie, and I agreed to humor her, but that isn't happening" I chuckled, grunting as I pushed myself up onto my knees; Colby grabbing my hand to help steady me.

"We like the name Zoe and Riley. We've tossed around Parker and Collette" Colby said, Logan nodding along.

"I don't like the way Collette sounds with Brock. That's our problem" I began, "Colby's got such an annoying last name that making names sound good is a struggle"

"Leighton's just overly picky is the real problem"

"Oh whatever, you hated my name ideas. Don't act like you're easy to please either" I scoffed.

"We thought about naming Harper, Melanie" Logan chimed in, surprising me.

"Really? Why?"

"Family name for Cynthia"

"Ah" I turned to face Colby, "Do you have any good family names?"

"I mean, my mom would die if we named our baby after her, but uh.. I don't really want to do that" he chuckled, his cheeks tinting pink.

"To be fair, Lesa is hard to use for a middle name — Oh! Speaking of your parents!"

"Oh god" Colby groaned.

"Your dad is trying to talk me into moving to Arizona"

"What?" Colby asked, his face scrunching up, "Why?"

"They want us to be closer for their grandbaby"

He was quiet for a moment before asking, "Do you want to?"

"What? Move to Arizona?" I questioned, Colby nodding, "God no, but I didn't know how to tell him that. I kind of just shrugged and moved on..."

"I don't want to move to Arizona either. If they want to be closer to the grandkids, they gotta come our way" Colby chuckles, "You'd murder me if I dragged you somewhere even hotter"

"You guys are moving?" Logan asked, looking between Colby and I.

"We were talking about it" I informed my brother, Colby nodding.

"Out of state?"

"Uh.. no? I don't know. I don't really want to leave mom"

"Well whatever you decide to do, factor in how long it takes for you to visit because I can't live without my niece"

"What about me?!"

"I've had you around my neck for 20 years" He teased, Colby snickering when I scoffed.

"You're both mean" I huffed, making an attempt to get up off the floor, pushing away the helpful hands before finally giving in, groaning and glaring at Colby as I tried to walk away, his hand keeping hold of mine as he pulled me back into him; "I could never get enough of you Leighton Rae" he murmured, pulling me in for a kiss, groaning when I turned my face so his lips met my cheek instead.

"Daaamn! Someone's in the dog house!" Logan laughed, my hand going behind my back to flip him off, wiggling out of Colby's hold and walking off.

I flicked on the bathroom light, jumping when I saw Colby standing behind me in the mirror.

"You've got to stop meeting me in the bathroom" I panted, my heart beating out of my chest.

He laughed, moving to wrap his arms under my own, clasping around my stomach, "Are you mad at me?" he hummed against my ear, resting his chin on my shoulder as we watched each other in the mirror.

"No"

"Why'd you walk off?"

"I've been sitting for over an hour. Shit hurts. You try carrying the baby next time" I sighed, leaning back to rest my head against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry you're in pain, I wish I could make it better; but it'll all be worth it, I promise"

"Can I ask you something?" I asked softly, chewing on my lower lip, watching the way his eyes flickered between one of my nervous habits and the wary settling in my eyes.

"Always"

"Did you think I'd be a good mother?"

I watched the way his lips pursed slightly, his brows pulling inwards as he took a breath through his nose; "What makes you ask that?" he asked, the pit forming in my stomach.

"Well, you didn't like me... and then you found out I was pregnant.. and you kinda.. came to my rescue? Did you worry? That I was like.. a bad person or something? I just... sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this. Like I don't deserve her, and maybe she would be happier with a different family. Maybe I don't love her enough. Maybe I'm not enough, ya know? I'm quite fucked up, ya know?" I slightly joked, my eyes filling with tears, causing them to flutter shut in hopes he didn't notice the waterfall that was threatening to cascade down my quivering chin.

"Baby, you're more than enough. You can't sit here asking what if. Gemma smiles and laughs all day long. She has a roof over her head. A warm dinner on the table every night. She gets a goodnight kiss and her blankets tucked in around her, keeping her safe from all the monsters that you swear aren't there, every night. Just because you have a past, that doesn't mean you can't change and grow. You're a wonderful mother in your own way, just like everyone else. There is no perfect mother, but you're perfect to me"

"That's nice and all, but that didn't answer my question" I chuckled, a tear rolling down my face, my hand quickly swiping it away, Colby frowning.

"Why are you crying?"

"Because that's what I know how to do best" I joked again, sniffling as my eyes squeezed shut, wanting it to stop.

"Talk to me baby" He urged softly, turning me around so we were face to face, his hands coming up to cradle my face, causing me to keep my eyes on him.

The longer the thoughts whirled around in my head, the more my eyes begin to sting as a struggled sob escaped past my lips, the tightness in my throat becoming too much to handle as I wobbled out, "Sometimes I think I'm not the reason people stick around" the tears falling quick, the heat of them causing warmth to spread around my red cheeks; the glistening streaks bringing a frown to Colby's face.

"Is this about the joke Logan made earlier? — Leighton, you know he was kidding. You guys are siblings. You love each other more than I can even understand"

"But what if the words hold more weight than I know?" I worried, my insecurity beginning to spread like a mental pandemic as I started to question everyone's place in my life.

"Leigh" he sighed, "You are loved. You are wanted. You're enough. I want you. Logan wants you. Your dad wants you. Your mom wants you. Your daughters want you—"

"But what about Kat, huh? Or Aaliyah? What about them? What about Lexi? What if my parents are letting me in because of Gemma? What if they still think I'm this fucked up kid who's ruining their life, but they want Gemma to have a good life, so they're keeping her shitty mother around" Colby's eyes showed confusion as I continue to ramble; "What if I fuck up again, and again, and again, and again? Then what? It's bound to happen, Colby! I'm going to lose my daughter one day and I just.." my face scrunched up as a sound of agony filled the bathroom.

"You're not going to lose her, Leighton. You're doing everything in your power to keep her. You are worthy of her Leighton. I don't care what your mind is telling you. It's not true. — Wait, is this why you want a sober house?" he asked, my head shaking.

"I can't get her into preschool, Colby" my hoarse voice spoke out, "I'm already failing her"

"You're not failing her, Leighton. She doesn't need to go to preschool. Everything she learns at preschool, she can learn at home" he tried to reassure me as my head shook in disagreement.

"I'm scared" I quietly confessed, sniffling again, my nose turning pink as my hand wiped across it.

"Of what?"

"This baby"

I watched his body tense, before falling as his eyes flickered with worry.

"The baby? Why?"

"I don't want to repeat history, Colby"

"Repeat history, how?"

My eyes squeezed shut as the burn began to get warmer; "I hate myself for this" I spoke through a clenched jaw.

"Leighton?"

"Maybe you're right" I started, opening my eyes but keeping them away from his blue ones.

"About?"

"About... about.. about me being in over my head"

"Leighton" he sighed, my head starting to shake again.

"Do you think I'm selfish?" I asked softly, Aaliyah's words ringing through my ears louder than ever.

Colby stayed quiet for a second too long, my lips forming into a tight line as I nodded, my finger wiping under my water line as I pushed past him, biting my lip to prevent the sound of my cries from escaping.

I scurried down to the basement, softly closing the door, crawling into my bed as I stared at the ceiling, tears rolling down my cheeks.

My hands rested over my bump, a larger lump forming in my throat as my mind began to spiral.

Would we still be together if I wasn't pregnant?

Would Colby's family like me if I wasn't having his baby?

Did I even deserve to have this baby?

Flashes of Gemma as a newborn flickered through my brain like an old movie; Gabriel's harsh words as I poured my breast milk down the drain. Gemma's constant crying and my lack of bonding with her feels like a heavy weight on my chest.

I knew Gabe's mother was right.

I would always be a fuck up. I mean, you can't exactly never be an addict ever again. One drink always turns into two; one blow one time turning into a lifetime of dependency to the point that I can't even properly care for my children.

I've always had the thought in the back of my head that Katrina only stuck around me because I was having Gemma... but what about everyone else? What about Colby?

Colby didn't even like me until he learned I was pregnant.

Did his instincts kick in like Sam? Like Kat? The need to protect this baby from its own mother?

Do people only stick around to catch my children when I fall?

Am I a forever fucked up mess like I've been made out to be? Am I truly so selfish that I can ruin lives? Lose friends? Relationships? Become dependent on substances?

How often do I say "I" instead of, "You" or "We"?

The feeling of a sharp warm sting caught my attention, my eyes frantically looking towards where the feeling came from, watching blood trickle down my arm.

My thumb swiped the blood away, my fingers adding pressure to the wound as I winced, cursing myself out for mindlessly causing myself harm when the bedroom door opened, Colby walking in and shutting it behind him.

It didn't take long for his eyes to find my wrist, his shoulders falling, "Leighton" he whispered, "What happened?"

"I don't mean to be self absorbed, I'm sorry" I whimpered, the bed dipping as Colby kneeled on it, moving his thighs to rest against my knees.

"Baby, you're not self absorbed. You're just scared, and that's okay. Why did you hurt yourself?"

"I didn't know it was happening until there was already blood" I shamefully confessed, "Felt like I deserved it though" I mumbled, my eyes squeezing shut as shame raced through my veins.

Just another one of Leighton's self absorbed, attention seeking episodes...

"Leighton, look at me" Colby's stern voice pulled my eyes open, his face blurred, "You feel this?" he asked, his hand moving to twist my engagement ring slightly on my finger, my head nodding, "I put this here, because I love you. Not because I want to save you. Not because I think you're destined to doom. I asked you to marry me, because I love you. I want you. I want a life with you. I want you to have my children and be their mom. I want you to be my spouse. Be my rock. Be someone who can keep me in line and hold me accountable. You feel this?" His hand moved down to my bump, softly caressing the skin, my head nodding again, "This beautiful bump that keeps our precious baby safe was put there out of love. Out of want. She may have been a surprise, but she will never be a mistake. Gemma isn't a mistake. You are not a mistake. You make mistakes but you are not one. No one is waiting to watch you fall. No one is sticking around only because of your children. This time, can I ask you something?" he asked, my head nodding slowly. "Are your tattoos hiding your secrets?" He asked, his hands moving to hold my wrists above my hand, his thumbs running over my wrists; my lip quivering as my eyes widened, telling him everything he needed to know; "You, Leighton Rae, are beautiful, perfect, the love of my life, a wonderful mother, the strongest person I know; Your trauma does not define you. Your past doesn't control you and your mind? It's just trying to protect you. I can't wait to buy a house with you, and continue to grow our family" his nose brushed against mine before his lips enclosed on my own, my tears falling against his own cheeks.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for being selfish and yelling at you to communicate, when I haven't properly done so myself-"

"Hey. Life's hard. We both know it. It's okay. We can't control what other people do, but I want you to know that I chose you. I wanted you and I'm doing my fucking best to pull my own shit together. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through these past few months"

"Do you think I can stay sober?" I asked quietly.

"I think you're capable of it"

"So you aren't sticking around because I'm carrying your baby?"

"No," he chuckled, "That's just a bonus. I can't wait to expand our family and watch you be a beautiful mother to our children" His lips moved down my tear stained jaw as he murmured words of affirmation and compliments against my skin, kissing down my collarbones before moving to my left wrist, kissing down my arm, stopping at my inner elbow before switching to the next.

"I've always loved your tattoos" he admitted quietly, "I love how they make you stand out. I love how I can get lost in them when your arms are wrapped around me in your sleep. I love trying to find hidden meanings in them, or wondering what some of the more random ones are for. I love how it blends together so nicely. the way the rose on your hand stands out. I love your ribcage tattoo; perfectly imperfect, and how it perfectly describes you. I love the cascading tattoo behind your ear that trails perfectly down your neck; one of my favorite places to kiss when you're asleep. I love your matching tattoos on your finger, and how you left a space for me to fill. I love the curve of your waist" his hands moved down to trail down my ribcage, settling on my hips, "And your beautiful markings down your thighs" his hands moved to spread against the side of my thighs, moving to rest on top of them. "I love all your little freckles and moles. The little imperfections on your skin make me love you a thousand times more" My legs spread for him, welcoming him to rest in-between my thighs, my arousal starting to dampen my underwear the lower his hands went, "May I?" he asked, my head quickly nodding as I hummed in approval, lifting my lips as his thumbs hooked the waistband of my pants, pulling them down my thighs, "I love your beautiful pussy and how incredible it is that you're going to push our baby out of it. Watching you do that with Gemma only made me appreciate it more. Want to.." he lowered on the bed, his breath against my wet folds making my breath hitch, "love on it more" he pressed a gentle kiss against my opening, my center clenching around nothing as I groaned, Colby matching me when his tongue came out to flick against my clenching center.

"Sex deprived?" he teased, my hips bucking up to meet his mouth.

"Don't be a tease, please" I begged, desperately wanting to feel my hormonal sex drive for the first time whilst being pregnant.

"I'm sorry, baby" he hummed, his mouth thankfully meeting my center as he began to work me towards the pleasure I was chasing.

The feeling of his tongue against my clit, or softly licking against my sensitive nerves had my back arching in no time as my hand came down, finding his hair.

"Come on baby" he hummed against me, bringing my clit into his mouth as his fingers teased my center; a loud moan rumbling my vocal cords as he slid two fingers in, pumping them slowly.

His fingertips brushed against my g-spot, my hips bucking, wanting more, but he refused. Keeping his fingers just out if reach from my sweet spot.

"You're clenching so hard around my fingers, Leignton" he chuckled, a groan leaving my lips when Colby moved onto his knees, leaving his fingers in me to toy with me some more as his mouth found my sensitive nipples.

That was one thing that never changed each time I was pregnant; my nipples were almost too sensitive.

A few kitten licks and kisses to my erect nipples and my world turned white as my want and need slid down my thighs; a loud moan getting cut off with a kiss from Colby. My eyes were squeezed shut as pleasure rippled through me. Desperately wanting to open my eyes and see Colby's became not a want, but a need.

Fighting against my own instincts, I finally got my green eyes to open, the look of Colby looking down at me with so much love and admiration made my chest thump quicker as I panted, his fingers slipping out of me, bringing them to his mouth to clean them off.

"Good god" I panted, a smile tugging on his lips.

"Been a while, hm?" He grinned, shimmying lower between my legs.

"What are you- oh" I moaned, Colby's tongue delicately cleaning me up.

"You came so hard" he noted, his finger easily slipping into me, a gasp leaving my lips due to how sensitive I was; Colby showing me his finger that was completely drenched in my cum.

By the time he was done, I was withering on the bed, unsure if I wanted him to stop, or keep going.

"It's been so long" I exhaled, Colby moving up my body, his erection against my thigh as he leaned down to kiss me.

"I love you, Leignton Rae. You're perfect for me. For our girls" he murmured tiredly.

Colby rolled over to the side, his head on the pillow next to mine, causing me to shift so I could view him.

"You're not going to fuck me?" I asked, confused why he'd stop, considering how hard he appeared to be.

"Tonights about you, baby. I'll be fine" he shot me a look, a frown appearing on my face.

"I can help you out too, ya know? Want my hand? My mouth? You could slide between my folds if you didn't lick me dry" I teased, carefully sitting up so I could try and straddle him, confusion making my stomach clench when he stopped me.

"I'm alright, baby"

Oh.

"Uh.. okay" I stumbled, embarrassment flooding through me.

Why'd he turn me down?

I couldn't help it as I began to think of all the reasons why.

Why would he bring me to an orgasm, and not want it returned? I'm more than willing....

"Leighton" he sighed, "I can hear your thoughts from here"

"Well" I snapped, pushing myself out of bed, stumbling slightly.

"Hey! Please be careful" he begged, quickly leaning across the bed to catch my arm, steadying me.

"Blame your bowling ball of a daughter" I grumbled, snatching my arm back as he groaned, flopping back into his previous position.

"Leighton" he sighed again, "Why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad"

"Leighton" his voice dragged out, a knowing tone telling me my bullshit was wearing thin on him.

Ditto.

"What?" I snapped, turning to face him.

"Are you seriously mad that I won't let you blow me?" He asked, moving to lean up on his elbows.

My eyes rolled as I stayed quiet, Colby's chest deflating.

"Baby, I'd love for you too.. but.. but I just.."

"Just what, Colby? You just what? Spit it out already! — Was it pity? Is that what just happened? You found the mother of your child crying and you decided 'You know what will fix this? A good orgasm'" I scoffed, "Screw you!" I yelled, his eyes widening.

"Leighton, stop self-destructing! That's not true and you know it" he argued back, surprising me, but I kept my face stoic.

"What's your fucking problem?! One second you're overly affectionate and the next you act like my touch is going to burn you! Am I not attractive to you anymore?" I asked, my breathing becoming shallow, "Because if you don't like me anymore, you can leave. Don't stay here with me if you're unhappy. If... if.. if there's someone.. someone else, I.. I understand" I struggled, hating how deep those words cut, making it impossible to keep my I don't give a fuck voice.

The way he froze didn't go unnoticed, in fact, it cracked my heart.

"Wait" I whimpered, "There's.... there's someone else?" I asked, feeling my entire world shatter around me. "I just.. I was just.. I was just saying that" my voice wobbled. "I-" my breathing became more rapid and something switched in Colby; his eyes widening as what appeared to be realization hitting of what was happening.

"No! No. There isn't anyone else. Oh my god, please don't cry! I know I was quiet, it was shock! Leighton, wait" he panicked, quickly scurrying off the bed over to me, his hands reaching out for me.

I quickly took a few steps back, betrayal pumping through my veins.

"Who is she? Is she pretty?" I asked. "Does she have less baggage?"

"There is no other girl baby" he tried to console me which only made my anger front quicker.

"YOU CHEATER! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled, his eyes wide.

"Leighton-"

"NO! You don't get to have your cake and eat it too!"

"Leighton!" His hands grabbed my arms, forcing me to look at him, "There. Is. No. Other. Girl. If you need to look through my phone to trust me, fine. But there is no other girl. It's just you, babe. I didn't want any sexual favors in return because you were just crying. What I did was all for you, about you. To love on you. I don't want tonight to be about me. I'm perfectly fine taking a cold shower"

"No.. no. It's uh, it's okay" I back peddled, "I don't need to see your phone. I trust you. I'm sorry I.. I'm sorry I accused you of cheating. It's just.. god, I'm sorry" i exhaled, my head hanging low.

I can believe I just embarrassed myself like that.

"It's okay. I'm sorry I didn't immediately say anything. I was just shocked" he explained again, my head nodding.

I glanced down forwards his crotch, seeing the area a lot smaller now.

Colby followed my gaze, a light chuckle leaving his lips; "It's hard to be hard when your fiance is screaming and crying that you cheated on her"

"God" I groaned, "I'm so embarrassed. I just... I just thought that if you didn't want me, there had to be a reason. Oh my god I sound psychotic!" I rubbed my hand over my eye, wishing we could just forget everything that just happened. "I'm so sorry" I apologized, Colby pulling me into his muscular arms.

"We're both a little crazy" he snickered, his hand coming up to filt my chin upwards, leaning down to softly kiss me. "We'd be boring if we didn't have a little ounce of crazy here and there. Gotta keep things interesting" he smirked, kissing me again.

"We have more than just an ounce of crazy" I laughed, "Me, by myself could probably keep the business running"

"And yet I still put a ring on your finger" he grinned.

"Hey! I'm not the one marrying the crazy! — You know what's worse than marrying the crazy?"

"Hm?"

"Putting a baby in the crazy. That's a life long commitment ya know" I joked, Colby's eyes twinkling making my stomach flutter.

"And I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat"

* * * *

I'm still trying to figure out how I want to add smut into fanfics cus I tend to add too many details due to writing one shot smut fics... so uh, if this one sucks, I apologize lol.

Sorry for the lack of Gemma, she'll be back! lol

This was supposed to be out two weeks ago....

Written on: July 10th, 19th, 20th, 23rd, 24th, 26th, 30th, 31st , August 2nd 2023

Published on: August 2nd 2023

Word Count: 7909

Part Nineteen