#colbybrockfanfictions

[britswriting]

Devotion (16)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Colby's POV*

"How about Hope?" I suggested, Leighton and I bouncing baby names off of each other for the past hour.

"Hope Brock sounds horrible" Leighton once again disagreed.

"But if you tossed a middle name into there? It would split it up" I reminded her, Leighton rolling her eyes.

"No one is going to call her Hope middle name Brock her entire life. How often do we use G's middle name?" She asked, my mouth staying shut, "Exactly. I don't like Hope. What about..... Jolina?" She suggested, my nose wrinkling as I shook my head, "Mackenzie?" 

"Mackenzie Brock? No. What were some baby names you had for Gemma?" I asked, Leighton scrolling through her phone.

"I don't fucking remember. That was like five years ago and I'm pretty sure I was dating my ex"

"Oh the dark ages, huh?" I joked, Leighton flipping me off.

"Heather? No... Faith? No... Oh! Courtney-"

"No" I cut her off, Leighton's jaw dropping.

"Why not?"

"I'm a social media influencer. I refuse for the world to find out my baby has the same name as a Kardashian" I stated, leaving no room for argument, only to hear Leighton laugh.

I glanced back over to her, seeing she was still scrolling.

"Anna? No. I like longer names" She mumbled to herself, "Ophelia? Ophelia Brock?" Leighton checked in, my head shaking. "Why not?"

"Sounds weird with Gemma"

"They don't have to match, Colby"

"Oh. So you're going to introduce our kids to your friends as Gemma and Ophelia?"

"Why not?"

"I don't like it"

"Okay, well you could've just said that instead of throwing a fit about them not matching"

"I didn't throw a fit" I huffed, Leighton ignoring me as she listed another name.

"Selena?"

"As in Gomez?"

"Not exactly" 

I shook my head, Leighton groaning, "We're getting nowhere"

"Well stop picking shitty names"

"They're not shitty!" 

"They're pretty shitty, babe" I chuckled, Leighton taking a deep breath through her nose. 

"How about Olivia?"

"Olivia Brock? Eh"

"Oh my god! Colby, this child is going to be nameless!"

"Leighton, I'm sure we'll figure it out. What if you looked at unisex names?"

"Dillion"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Dillion Brock? Do you want her to get bullied?"

"Whatever. We could always do with a Y. Dylan, with a Y?"

"Still no"

"God you're impossible"

"I'm impossible?" I chuckled, Leighton nodding. "I'm not the one suggesting shitty names like Dylan"

"Dylan isn't a shitty name" She argued back, my lips staying sealed as I slowed the car at the intersection, awaiting the greenlight. "Parker?"

"Parker's cute" 

"Gemma and Parker" Leighton tested out, "Is Parker too boyish next to Gemma's name?" Leighton pondered aloud.

"I don't think so?"

"It doesn't give you little brother vibes? Compared to little sister vibes?"

"Well clearly you think so, so move on"

"But we like Parker?"

"I think Parker is cute, but you clearly have an issue with it. We can leave it on the table, but list another name" 

"Hm... Zoe? Zoe Brock?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Gemma and Zoe?" I questioned, catching a frown on Leighton's face.

"Yeah, what about it? It sounds cute"

"Zoe. Zoe. Zoe Brock. Gemma and Zoe. This is my daughter, Zoe" I tested out, Leighton giggling. "I mean, it's better than Dylan"

"Oh my god! Get over the Dylan thing!" Leighton laughed, a slight whine to her voice. "So we're keeping Zoe?"

"Sure"

"Okay.... how about Riley? Riley is cute"

"Riley Brock" I tested, "Riley? Riley and Gemma?" I questioned, Leighton nodding. "I mean, it's alright. I'm not in love with it or anything"

"You see what I mean? Naming a baby is so hard! What about Cameron?"

"Cameron Brock? No. I don't like the C, B, sound"

"You're so weird" She chuckled.

"It sounds weird" I defended myself, Leighton giggling to herself.

"So does that mean all C names are out of question?" 

"Probably"

"But what if we really like a C name?"

"Then we'll add it to the list"

"God, this is annoying" she grumbled.

Leighton and I spent most of our trip debating different names, marking down ones we liked to circle back too.

"I'm getting so much Deja vu. It feels so weird to be back" Leighton noted, our car right behind Logan and Cynthia's as we pulled up to the all too familiar Airbnb. "I still can't believe I hung out with your YouTuber friends and participated in your dumb videos when I was pregnant. I really was trying to befriend your ass" 

"We should watch those videos again" I chuckled, turning off the car, seeing Logan step out of his car and start to greet us as Leighton collected her things, struggling to grasp her giant ass water bottle she got when we stopped at a Gas Station for her to pee.

"Hey! You have the keys right?" He asked as I opened the car door, stepping out and digging the correct key out of my pocket, passing it to him.

"Can you grab my stuff? I need to pee like no tomorrow" Leighton begged and I nodded, watching her awkwardly run to her brother who was unlocking the place.

The sound of tires against the rocky terrain got me to turn around, Sam and Kat coming into view as I popped open the trunk, grabbing the two suitcases.

"I can't believe we're back!" Sam yelled out his window, putting the car into park.

"I know! Leighton and I were just talking about that! I feel like this is where it all started" I spoke in astonishment, turning to look at the unreal castle behind us.

"I was telling Kat that I feel like we have to film here. Even if it's just for ourselves, to have that like.. memory comparison, ya know?"

"Oh my god!" I laughed, "Leighton was just talking about how she can't believe she filmed our dumb videos with us"

"Hey! They weren't dumb! If I recall, she fucking won that hide and seek game" He laughed, stepping out of the car to pull me into a hug.

Sam, Kat and I met Logan, Cynthia and Leighton in the Airbnb, April and Kevin sadly weren't able to get the time off to join us.

"I'll fight you to the master, I swear to god Colby!" Kat warned, slipping her shoes off and racing me up the stairs.

She ran straight down the hall, my quickened steps right behind her, only to abruptly stop, seeing Leighton laying in her little hobbit hole.

"Hey" I panted, my heart attempting to beat right out of my chest from racing up the stairs, "What are you doing? I thought we were getting the master?" I questioned, leaning against the door frame as I attempted to catch my breath.

"Just wanted to sit here again. I uh, it uh.. feels surreal. Last time I was here, I was pregnant with Gemma, and now I'm pregnant with our own little one" I smiled softly, her hand rubbing against the fabric of her shirt, caressing the bump. "I remember sitting here, journaling about hanging out with you guys and what I thought life was going to be like" She spoke softly, her hand running across the blue patched quilt, "This feels like a dream, and not a like.. I really wanted to come here and can't believe it's happening dream, but a like....... time warp back to five years ago"

"I know what you mean. I remember sitting right here, and you declaring I had a foot fetish" I chuckled, standing at the end of the bed. 

"The verdicts still out on that one Brock" She giggled, shifting to lay down on the bed, my hand reaching out for her foot, dragging her down to me, my body leaning forward to rest the palms of my hands on either side of her. "I don't remember last time being this intimate" She spoke softly, pulling a boyish like grin out from me.

"I don't remember last time you having a ring on your finger vowing to be mine forever, and your womb to be carrying our love child" I let my nose brush against hers, Leighton's nose wrinkling.

"Did you have to say womb and love child?"

"Mhm" I hummed into her neck, Leighton shivering from the sensation.

"The last time I had sex here, it was with Ariya" 

"We're not talking about that" I grumbled, hating the idea of her sleeping with one of my friends.

"Someone's jealous" She hummed, her hands moving underneath my shirt, her nails teasing the skin on my back.

"As I should be" I scoffed, "You're mine, and you let someone else have you"

"Hey! That was before I knew you liked me" She defended herself, her hands slipping into the back of my jean pockets.

"Haven't you heard the term, boys are mean to girls on the playground because they like them?"

"That's a load of bullshit. Boys are just pricks who have nothing better to do with their time than pull a girl's hair and make her cry. It still stands true even at 26 years old" She raised a brow at me, grinning when I scoffed.

"Girls are just teases who tell you one thing and do another"

"Oh? You want to go there?" She warned, my lips folding shut. "That's what I thought, pretty boy. Now get off me before I knee you in the balls"

"Come on. Let's go find a room that will sleep us both" I offered my hand, Leighton eyeing me.

"Who said I want to sleep with you?"

"My baby that you're willingly carrying is my first guess" I shook my hand at her, Leighton rolling her eyes as she grabbed my hand, allowing me to pull her up.

I grunted slightly, Leighton glaring, "Don't you fucking start or I will sleep in my hobbit hole"

"I didn't mean to" I laughed, Leighton appearing annoyed. "Leigh, baby, wait-" I rushed, grabbing her arm and wrapping them around her, trapping her against me, "I didn't mean to. It was the angle, I swear"

"Mhm. If you know what's good for you you'll let me go"

"Leigh" I whined, Leighton groaning, her head resting against my shoulder, her back to my chest. "I win" I murmured only to feel her elbow jab me in the stomach, setting her free, "Hey!" I groaned.

"I warned you" She laughed, her hand gripping the door frame before turning the corner.

~

"Do you know how happy I am that this baby allows you to have pizza?" Sam said, grabbing another slice of our oh so delectable choice of dinner.

"Oh, you and me both!" Leighton practically moaned biting into the pizza.

"Do you think it's the grease and cheese?" Cynthia questioned, "When I was pregnant with Harper, I hated seeing melted cheese for months"

"It was honestly the smell, so I don't know, but I am very pleased that is not the case at this moment. I felt so high maintenance anytime they'd ask me what I wanted because I couldn't eat pizza" 

"Leighton, you are high maintenance" I teased, her jaw dropping as her hand came to cup under her chin, catching the stringy cheese, all of us laughing.

"I am not!"

"Just a little bit" I pinched my thumb and pointer finger close together.

"How? I-" she paused, her jaw still dropped.

"It's alright Leighton, we still love you" Logan teased, Leighton glaring over at him.

"How am I high maintenance? Because if I recall, I did my best to try and get along with everyone- oh, I'm hearing it" 

I snickered, "When I first met you, you always had your nails done, your makeup on-"

"And?" She interrupted, "What's wrong with wanting to look pretty?"

"Nothing is wrong with wanting to look pretty, babe, it's just, you don't like to show your bare self-"

"Well not in front of my brother" 

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" I laughed, Cynthia choking on her pizza.

"To be fair, Cynthia paid for the nails. Cynthia, back me up here" Leighton turned to look at her sister in law.

"I did, but that's because it was our bonding time since Logan and I were dating. It was our only time away from this one" her thumb pointed at Logan next to her, "Where we could gossip without him interrupting" 

"We should start that again. I can finally afford to pay it myself"

"What if we looked for a place around here? Kat, would you want to join us? Have some girl time whilst the boys have their boy time?" Cynthia asked, catching Kat mid bite of her pizza. "Think of it like a birthday gift from Leigh and I" Cynthia passed me a sickening sweet smile.

What is she doing?

"Uh, yeah, sure, that sounds fun" Kat passed a smile, the room falling quiet until Logan sparked a conversation with Sam and I about our plans for the upcoming year.

Once the sun began to go down the six of us walked out onto the stone patio where an enclosed fire pit was, Logan and Sam setting it up whilst Leighton, Kat and I grabbed the s'mores stuff.

"Please be careful" I begged Leigh, watching her step around a few of the chairs to sit between Cynthia and I.

"I'm fine" She waved me off, not settling the flutter in my stomach at all.

"Leighton, please, just, there's an open flame and you're a klutz"

"Okay, I'll be careful. I'll just make you get up and grab me things" She smirked, leaning back against the metal chair, popping open the box of graham crackers.

"That I can do. Whatever keeps you from falling period, let alone into fire" I muttered, Cynthia passing out the sticks, skipping Leighton.

"I still can't believe you don't like marshmallows" Kat stated, happily opening the bag and placing one on her stick.

"I'm here for the graham crackers. You guys got the good ones" Leighton cracked the cracker in half, taking a bite.

"The good ones?" I questioned, unable to see the label from how dark it was.

"Mhm. The honey ones"

"I thought they only came in the honey version?" I grabbed a graham cracker, Leighton shaking her head. "Hm. Well you learn something new every day" I chuckled, all of us sticking our marshmallows in.

"Can I do one? Will someone eat it?" Leighton asked, looking around our circle.  

"Nope. Last time I let you make me a s'more, you put... shit, what was it?" Logan looked over at Leighton who was already starting to giggle.

"I spread marmite on his crackers" She giggled, Logan fake gagging.

"Ohhh! That's disgusting" Sam gagged, "You're actually evil. Colby, did you know you were marrying the devil?"

"I mean, it's his mistake for taking something from Leighton" I laughed, Leighton having a proud grin on her face.

"Do you guys remember that horrendous drink you made me?"

"Yes! Brennen was annoyed you ate his snack" Sam laughed, Kat and Cynthia caught in their own conversation as Logan excused himself from the group.

"Dude, those were so good! God, what were they?"

"I don't know, this was like five years ago!" Sam exclaimed, pushing a marshmallow onto Leighton's stick.

"Double or nothing Samuel! Come on now. This isn't amateur hour" Leighton scolded, Sam sliding a second marshmallow onto her stick. "Who's eating this?"

"I'll eat it" I volunteered, Leighton nodding, my legs spreading, allowing her to stand between them to roast her marshmallow, my hands holding her hips as the fear of her toppling into the fire rattled my veins.

"Woah! Hey!" Sam abruptly shouted, startling me.

"What?" I questioned, peaking around Leighton's hip.

"You can't just shove it in the fire!" He lectured, Leighton's posture straightening.

"I'm too impatient to let it—"

"No" Sam interrupted, shaking his head, "What kind of animal burns their marshmallow on purpose?! You said you wanted to roast a marshmallow"

"Okay, what are you? S'mores police?"

"Yes, yes I am! Colby! Look who you're marrying!" Sam complained, Leighton laughing with a head shake as she put her marshmallow back into the fire, pulling it out as the reddish orange flame crisped the outside, blowing it out.

"Do you care that it's burnt?" Leighton questioned; the motion of Kat standing up to burn her own catching my attention.

"It doesn't matter" 

"Do you want it on a cracker or on its own?"

"Here" I opened my mouth, Leighton's eyes widening.

"For real? It's hot"

"Well no shit, it was on fire" I laughed, opening my mouth again, waiting.

"I'm getting flashbacks to that time you put juice in your mouth and then fucking poured it into mine"

"Shut up and give me the marshmallow or you're banned from roasting" 

colbybrocksecret: "What kind of animal burns their marshmallow on purpose?" - @samgolbach

~

"You look so pretty, baby" I hummed, Leighton's glorious bump on show as she stood in front of me in just a bra and the sweatpants she was wearing earlier.

"This belly is definitely bigger than when I was pregnant with Gemma" her hand caressed her stomach.

My head shook, "You were definitely bigger with Gemma"

"Excuse me?! Colby!" She gasped.

"What? You were a lot bigger when you were in delivery"

"Colby! I'm talking about for how far along I am. 5 months with G, I was a lot smaller than I am now with your baby"

"God, you're halfway through already?" I exhaled, feeling like everything has gone by so fast.

"Mhm. Our little baby girl is already half cooked in here" She smiled, my hands holding the side of her belly as we looked in the mirror above the dresser.

"I can't believe you're doing this again. I recall you saying you were never having a baby ever again after Gemma's delivery, and now you want to do a home birth? No meds?" My brow raised, Leighton's cheeks turning crimson.

"That's the plan"

"Are you prepared for that?" I asked, Leighton's tongue poking out to wet her lips as her head shook.

"I don't even know where I'm doing it. I mean, I could do it at my parents house, but wouldn't that be a lot? The other option is at our apartment.. and uh, I don't think our neighbors want that"

"Silly option number three" I hesitantly began, Leighton's face masking confusion, "We buy a house together"

"Colby" She sighed, my hopes and dreams immediately getting squashed, "We don't even live together right now"

"Hey! That was your choice!" I noted, my hands dropping from her waist, taking a few steps back.

"You know why I did that" 

"Leighton, be honest with me. Are you ever moving back home?" I asked the hundred million dollar question, holding my breath as I analyzed her movements.

Her breath hitched as her shoulders tensed, taking a few Mississippi seconds before turning around to face me, exhaling through her nose, "I want to"

"Okay? And what does that mean?"

"It means I want to. I want to be with you, to have a house with you, to do life with you.. I'm just... I'm nervous. I'm nervous to commit again and repeat last time. History lately appears to be going in a vicious cycle and I just, I don't want to repeat this again" She emphasized, reaching down to pull an oversized shirt over her head, pulling her hair out of the neck of the shirt, letting it cascade down the front of her chest. 

"I'd undo it if I could. You know that, right?" 

"I'd like to hope you would. Did uh, community service go well?" She asked quietly, her finger spinning her ring.

"Was fine" I muttered, not wanting to talk about my quite literal walk of shame, slipping my rings off my fingers.

"What did they have you do?"

"The cliché road side trash pickup"

"Ah. I had to do work inside of the prison. It was like a prison job without the pay before I was fully let go" Leighton confessed, surprising me that she was opening up about her jail time.

I decided to not push it, knowing it was extremely rare for her to share this information, my head nodding in acknowledgement that I had heard her.

I tugged off my shirt, tossing it towards the open suitcase before sliding down my skinny jeans.

"I can feel you staring" I mumbled, kicking them off.

"Oh, I can't stare?" Leighton jokes, crawling onto the bed.

"I never said that. Do I have to wear pants?"

"Well you're not sleeping nude" 

"No. Like can I just wear my underwear?" I asked, Leighton barely acknowledging me as she plugged in her phone. "Leigh?"

"That's fine. Just don't wake up with an erection because I'm too pregnant to have self restraint" She shimmied down the bed, pulling the covers up over her bump.

I smirked, sliding into bed next to her, copying her movement as I got comfortable.

We laid in silence for a moment before I spoke up, "This feels weird"

"What does?"

"Being in the same bed again" I mumbled, Leighton's bedside lamp giving off a dim yellow glow to the room.

"Oh. I haven't really registered it to be honest. I mean, it's been kind of weird all day. Feels like old times" 

"It does, doesn't it" I hummed, shifting to face her, "I've missed you, you know?" 

"I've missed you too" She replied, sounding half ingenious due to scrolling through her phone.

"Please come home" I begged softly, Leighton looking down at me.

"Colby" She sighed, "Is this what this trip is about? You begging me to move back in?"

I shook my head, "Leighton, please. I'm already missing so much and I know I royally messed up" I paused, my brain annoyingly reminding me I have yet to tell her my biggest screw up. I cleared my throat, "But I miss you. I miss Gemma. I miss being a family. I miss coming home to you guys, and tucking G in at night, and cuddling you to bed"

"I'll think about it, okay?" She said and I nodded, knowing this was the best I was going to get.

I woke up the next morning to Leighton's body drifting towards mine, our limbs kept to ourselves, but a beautiful sleeping face just out of reach of being able to easily lean over and kiss her.

Every fiber of my being wanted to go back to every horrific choice I've made and undo it.

All night last night I just laid there, listening to her soft breathing and occasional snore, pretending to be asleep when she got up to go pee around 3 or 4 in the morning.

I held my breath when she laid back in bed, silently praying that she would inch closer to me if she thought I was asleep, but that wasn't the case. Her awake mind slept closer to the edge than her asleep brain, where she had drifted towards me. 

I walked into our kitchen, Cynthia and Logan sat at the island eating what appeared to be frozen french toast sticks and scrambled eggs.

"Good morning" Cynthia greeted me as I opened the fridge.

"Mornin'" I grumbled, my voice gruff from the lack of use.

"Leighton still asleep?" She asked and I nodded. "I called around 9 this morning to a salon near us, so later today the girls and I are going to head out. Any idea what you boys will do whilst we're away?" Cynthia asked, looking between Logan and I.

Logan shrugged, my lips staying sealed as I poured cereal into a bowl. "You guys are not morning people" Cynthia spoke to herself, scraping the end of her breakfast into the trash before washing her dish.

"Sorry" I mumbled, Logan following Cynthia's lead. "Do you uh by chance know what Leighton would want for breakfast?" I asked, feeling like a horrible fiancé for not knowing her do's and don'ts of pregnancy food.

"I don't, I'm sorry" She apologized and I nodded, the drawer slamming shut as I placed my spoon into my bowl.

"Don't worry about it"

"Everything going alright between you two?" She asked, Logan making himself scarce.

"Define alright" I half heartedly chuckled, Cynthia frowning as she joined me back at the island.

"Still planning on getting married?" She asked, making my very tired brain suddenly alert.

"What? Has Leighton told you otherwise?" I worried, Cynthia's eyes widening.

"Shit! I'm sorry!" she freaked, "She hasn't said anything! I just..." shit. Does Leighton not want to get married? Is Cynthia covering for her? "She had talked a little bit about her concerns and things, I just didn't know where you two stood now. I mean, you slept in the same bed, right? That has to mean something" Cynthia tried to save her reaction, my jaw clenched as I chewed my cereal, nodding.

"We shared the bed, yes. I don't know if you can clarify it as sleeping together, no. Leighton practically slept thirty feet away from me unless she was asleep and the weight of our bodies causing the dip in the mattress to make her roll closer" 

"So no makeup sex then?" She joked, her smirk flattening out when I sighed, shaking my head.  "How bad is it Colby? Be honest with me, what happened?"

"What has she told you?" I questioned, walking on eggshells due to Cynthia basically being Leighton's best friend, whether Leighton wants to admit it or not.

"Not much. She just expressed her concerns about whatever happened and how she felt about you" Cynthia shrugged, my eyes squinting.

Is she lying to me? Does she know more?

"Let's just say.. Leightons actions are valid" I replied quietly, shame filling my chest as I took another bite of cereal.

"Her actions? She seemed okay earlier?"

"She hasn't been my biggest fan, and it's deserved"

"Well, what did you do?" She asked, my nerves beginning to boil.

"I don't want you to hate me as well" I admitted, Cynthia leaning on the palm of her hand to look at me, her elbow resting against the countertop.

"Colby, I could never hate you. I mean, I've seen you and Leighton go through it all, and we have even had our own moments. Shit happens sometimes. I mean, what's the worst you've done to her? It's not like you'd ever cheat on her" She laughed, my eyes widening, "You for years could barely give her enough room to breathe" She continued, my brain beginning to reel at the four little words she just laughed at.

Trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I had supposedly cheated, and I had to confess to Leighton still felt like an impossible task. I mean, how does one practically confess a sin that he can't even recall? How fucking stupid do I look having to lean on Sam to recall the basic facts he walked in on? 

Attempting to contact Chloe felt like a lost cause. I'm sure she got what she wanted and left. 

I never thought she'd be the girl to do that. Hell, I never thought I'd be capable of doing that.

Having cheated in the past, even if our relationship was basically done, I really never saw myself sitting in this position. Loving Leighton felt so easy. Even in the hard moments, it was harder to walk away from her than stand by her, and now here I was, sat next to her sister in law arguing with my own brain over how the fuck to tell the love of my life that I did possibly the worst thing imaginable.

How do you come back from breaking someone's trust this bad? 

I'm so far gone that the light at the tunnel could barely be found, yet here I was scraping the end of the barrel for any sign of hope that all of this could work out. That if I was nice to her, and loved her the way she deserved, that we could just overlook this. 

"Colby?" Cynthia's hand waved in front of my face, my head shaking me out of the trance I was in.

"Hm? Sorry, what?" I fumbled, Cynthia's face scrunched up in worry.

"You alright? You just zoned out for like five minutes. I was talking and then I noticed you stopped reacting. You good?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry. Was just uh, thinking" 

"Well? Are you going to tell me what you did?" She asked, my lip getting caught between my teeth.

"I uh, I don't think I should. Sorry" I mumbled, excusing myself, leaving my bowl on the counter as I swiftly exited.

I took a seat on one of the balconies, staring at the morning sun as I wracked my brain for any possible way I could come clean without destroying everything I've worked towards.

Is there really any way to come clean without crumbling everything beneath me?

What would it take for her to understand? To hear me out? 

Not only is she Leighton, but she's pregnant Leighton, and pregnant Leighton is scary.

She's moody, dramatic, she holds more grudges than non-pregnant Leighton..

but I can't hold off, can I?

I mean I have to tell her.... right?

But what about the baby? What then? Would she withhold me from seeing my babies birth? Especially with it being a homebirth....

Would she ban me from the birth? From seeing my baby at all? The same way she has with Gemma? 

The idea of how much control she has over me is fucking terrifying. One wrong move and everything I've worked for these past five years just vanished.  I'm not talking every accomplishment, but my literal family.

The girl I'm head over heels for, the almost four year old I'd die for, and my unborn child who doesn't even know how fucking messy our lives were... it could all be gone with a little of few to no words.

"What's got that vein poking out of your forehead this early in the day?" Leighton asked, my body jolting at the new sound. "Good lord Colby" she laughed, "Why are you so jumpy?"

"Nothing. Just thinking"

"Well stop thinking so hard" She snickered, leaning against the balcony, "Cynthia told me we're getting our nails done later. Any requests?" She asked, shifting to face me as I leaned back against the chair.

"Requests?"

"Mhm"

"You want my opinion?"

"Why? You picked cool nails that one time"

"What one time?" I laughed, Leighton's eyes rolling, taking a seat in the chair next to me.

"You don't remember when you let me paint your nails?"

"Oh"

"Yeah oh" She mocked, chuckling.

"That was a long time ago" I replied quietly, silence falling between us.

"Colby?"

"Hm?" I hummed, keeping my eyes locked on the horizon in front of me.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine"

"Ah. The classic I'm fine excuse. I thought we were going to work on our communication skills?"

"Leighton" I warned, Leighton scoffing, "Colby. You said you were going to work on it, and I'm trying to be here for you"

"Oh. You mean the same way I was trying to be there for you with Aaliyah, and you decided that you didn't get to talk about it?" 

"Jesus, did you wake up on the fucking floor this morning? What's your problem?"

I exhaled a deep breath through my nose, turning to look at Leighton, "I'm just saying I would appreciate the same courtesy of leaving me alone when I want to be left alone, that I've given you"

"Courtesy? Are you feeling okay?" She chuckled, stretching her jaw to the side before licking her lower lip, leaning back against the chair, her arms crossed over her chest as she attempted to cross her leg, only to realize her belly was in the way, extending her legs to cross her ankles. "Alright, damn, I'll stop asking you about it" She huffed, the silence beginning to linger before she cleared her throat, "Are you going to be mad at me all day or? I just," she paused, shifting to sit forward, starting to talk with her hands, showing me how impatient she was becoming, "I got up like ten minutes ago, and you're already mad at me? I'm just confused how we got from point A to point B so quickly?" 

"I thought you were done asking about it?" I griped, Leighton's lips pursing as she nodded, pushing herself out of the chair, heading back inside.

I groaned, running my hands through my hair.

God damnit.

By the time I walked downstairs, the girls had left and Sam and Logan were chilling in the family room, Sam looking up over his laptop as I entered, "Hey. You look like shit" 

"Thanks man, I feel like it too" I chuckled, my jaw tightening as I plopped down on the couch next to him.

"Why do you look and feel like shit?"

"Because I'm a shitty person, Samuel"

"You're not a shitty person Colby. What's got you in a funk this time? This trip was your idea"

I eyed Logan who was already looking at me with a glimmer of skepticism written all over his face.

"The usual" I mumbled, pulling out my phone.

"So are we all going to sit here on our phones or do you guys want to do something?" Logan questioned, giving me a knowing look.

"And what do you have in mine Mr. Fox?" I teased.

 "We could go out to a bar?" He suggested, Sam immediately shaking his head.

"We're staying alcohol free this weekend" Sam shot down.

"What? Why?" Logan questioned.

"Leighton's pregnant" Sam tossed back immediately.

"And sober" I chimed in, Logan giving us weird looks.

"Leighton doesn't care if we drink"

Sam and I stayed quiet knowing he was right, Logan speaking up again, "Plus, isn't that what guys trips are for? Getting drunk and having fun?" he joked, Sam eyeing me.

"It's 1pm?" I tried, Logan chuckling to himself, "It's 5'oclock somewhere" 

"If you want to go out to a bar we can" I shrugged, Sam's eyes narrowing at me as Logan shoved himself off the couch.

"Great! I'll go get ready. When do we want to leave?"

"Um.. half hour?" I suggested, Logan nodding before excusing himself.

"You for real, Colby?" Sam spoke harshly.

"What? I won't drink" I promised, Sam shaking his head.

"Yeah right. As if Logan will let you get away with that"

"Hey. I have freewill ya know" I grumbled back, Sam closing his laptop and setting it on the couch cushion next to him.

"Yeah, freewill that got you fucking arrested and practically ruined your relationship" He whispered harshly.

My eyes rolled, "I'll be fine"

"How do you plan on not drinking?"

I stayed quiet for a second and right as Sam's lips parted to speak again, I beat him to it, "Sober driver!" 

"You? Sober driving?"

"Yeah, and?"

"Really?"

"What?" I questioned, my eyebrows tugging together.

"You know he's going to try and get you to drink"

"And? I won't"

"You can't" Sam reiterated, "You have a law to abide by. You're not supposed to be drinking for a while"

"And I won't. What are you so concerned for?"

"I just don't think we should be testing the limits. Last time you went out drinking with your friends, you woke up in bed with your ex"

"Correction, you woke me up"

"That's worse Colby!" Sam exclaimed.

"Look, we've got like twenty five minutes before we need to leave. Let's just go get ready. I'll be fine" I reminded him, Sam scoffing yet agreeing, the two of us disappearing upstairs to get dressed.

~

"God those are strong!" Logan winced, setting the shot glass against the bar top. "You lucked out" He told me, choking on the drink he just swallowed by coughing, his closed fist hitting his chest as he sputtered, "God, what was in that?"

"Straight tequila" Sam laughed, Logan shaking his head.

"I haven't drank that shit since my first army party. We got so drunk and woke up hungover the next morning, barely able to function for our drills" he chuckled, drinking a chaser.

"Wussing out already?" I teased, Logan scoffing.

"Say the man drinking a Pepsi!"

"Hey, designated driver!" I shook my glass at him, the dark liquid sloshing against the sides a little.

"One drink won't kill you" he teased, turning away to order something else to drink.

"I'm already walking on thin ice with Leighton. I think it's best if I stay sober tonight. But hey, that means you can get as fucked up as you want" I noted, Logan shaking his head, his elbows moving to lean back against the bar.

"I can't hang like I used to. I'm getting old man, and I've got a kid now. Definitely not in my army college days anymore" He snickered, the bartender passing him his drink.

"How is the kid thing going for you guys?" I asked, Logan laughing with a head shake.

"The kid thing? Colby, you also have a kid. You see my niece more than I do" He laughed, my face falling. Has Leighton not told him? "Harpers' been good. I'm definitely nervous of that whole angelic first kid and demonic second kid thing" he chuckled, taking a long sip of his drink.

"The what?" I questioned, catching Sam slinking away from us towards the other end of the bar.

"You know how they say your first kid makes you want a second, and the second kid makes you want to wear a condom for the rest of your life?" He joked, his face falling into a serious mask, his head tilting, "You haven't heard that?" I shook my head, "Oh, shit man" he laughed, his head thrown back, "Good luck" he laughed.

"Is it really that bad?" 

"I mean, that's what they say, but hey, what do I know? I've only got one and that little angel rules my world, I can tell you that much"

"If Gemma's the angelic one, I'm afraid for our next little girl" I nervously chuckled, bringing the straw to my lips as I glanced next to me, Sam and the bartender at the end were talking, Logan's voice bringing my attention back to him.

"It's exciting though, right?" He asked.

"Hm?"

"Having another baby. I mean, Leighton's always been indifferent about kids even when we were little, but I think that has to do with growing up with the twins. Multiples are a lot, and Leighton was used to being the baby for a few years and then here came two others that stole her spotlight... I think that affected her way more than she would lead on. I honestly was a little worried when she told me she was pregnant; for multiple reasons. One, her and Gabe were a mess. I mean, she'll tell you they weren't, but he really wasn't the best to her. Our dad used to make fun of him all the time for his inverted frosted tips as he'd called them, and douchey jersey shore style" He snickered, "But hey, look at you guys now" he motioned towards me, "You guys are engaged, living together, expecting another kid. It's really working out for you guys and I'm happy to call you a brother-in-law, Colby" He raised his drink to me before taking another long sip. "Speaking of, are you guys planning your wedding? Should I be expecting my RSVP plus one in the mail?" he joked, unknowingly digging his knife even deeper into my chest, the twist of his hand causing the air to get knocked out of my lungs, my throat clearing as I took another sip, really wishing this wasn't just a Pepsi.

"We uh— Leighton um— uh, she just.. She has a lot on her plate, you know?" I stuttered, "With everything going on with your mom and uh, having a baby and all that, I think it's um, been put on the back burner a little bit" I slowly spat out, my eyes falling down to my glass as my pointer finger traced the rim of it.

"Ah. So uh, feel free to tell me if I'm crossing a line, but uh, what's the real reason you're not drinking today? Worse case we call an uber" He tossed a small smile towards me, taking another sip of his drink, my eyes drifting back towards Sam, seeing he was sitting by himself at the end of the bar, drinking.

What the hell?

"I just thought it would be in my best interest to stay sober tonight" I shrugged, tugging on my lower lip.

"Hm. Well, whenever you're ready to tell me, I'm open ears" He shot a supportive closed lipped grin.

~

"You smell like straight whiskey" Cynthia laughed, pulling Logan away from her hug.

"You guys went drinking?" Leighton questioned, looking between Logan and I.

"We had fun" Logan grinned, "Well, Sam and I had fun. This one was a party pooper" he nodded towards me, a look of relief washing over Leighton's face, her eyes meeting mine as she mouthed "Thank you" and I sent a curt nod.

The six of us sat in the living room, Leighton showing me her nails.

"I went with shorter rounded ones this time" She showed, "I didn't want much hindrance since I'm pregnant and have a four year old at home" She smiled, "I thought the pink was cute? You know, 'cause we just found out it's a girl" She beamed, holding her nails up so I could see.

"It pops against your tattoo" I noticed, seeing the shadowing in her rose tattoo on the top of her hand pop out more against the delicate pink brushed against her nails.

"Awe thanks" She grinned, looking down at her tattoo, her eyes trailing up the sleeve of her arm. "Should've gotten my toes done, huh?" She teased, wiggling her toes that were covered by a black ankle sock.

My lips parted out of surprise, "All I said is it made your tattoo pop! I don't have a foot fetish!" I laughed, catching everyone else's attention.

"Foot fetish?" Cynthia's nose wrinkled.

"Stop! Leighton Rae!" I hissed, Leighton cackling next to me.

"Oh my god!" She panted, struggling to breath from laughing, "Shit!" She hissed, her hand digging into my thigh as she tried to push herself up off the floor, wobbling a little before landing on her feet and rushing to the bathroom, flipping the group off as we laughed.

"I don't have a foot fetish" I noted, wanting to clear the air before this oh so not fun fact spread.

"Suuurree" Sam expressed, my jaw dropping.

"I don't!"

"Just for Leighton huh?" Kat teased, joining in on their fun.

"No!" I disagreed.

"Ew, that's my baby sister!" Logan fake gagged, Cynthia's nose still wrinkled.

"Yeah, ew Colby" She agreed, my heart starting to pick up in pace.

"I don't! This stems from the last time we were here, remember?" I looked over at Sam, knowing he was in the room.

"What?" his eyes squinted, my own eyes widening.

"Sam! You don't remember that?"

"Sorry, I don't" He shook his head, holding back a grin.

"Oh my god!"

"I can't believe I didn't know you had a foot fetish Colby!" Kat grinned.

"I don't!"

"Whatever you say, Colby" She replied in a sing-song tone, only frustrating me further.

"I don't have a foot fetish! Listen, I'll own up to anything, but a foot fetish is not one" I shook my head, my nose wrinkled as well. 

I saw Leighton come back into view, my finger pointing at her, "You!" I exclaimed, stopping her in her tracks.

"What?"

"Tell them I don't have a foot fetish"

"But you do" She laughed.

Of course she wouldn't help me. She fucking started this.

"I don't!" I declared, Leighton giggling as she sat down between Kat and I. "Leighton" I warned, Leighton biting her lower lip.

"I bet you he likes to kiss her foot before fucking her" Sam muttered to Kat, Logan's eyes widening, matching my own.

"Samuel Golbach!" I hissed, Sam snickering, "I don't have a fucking foot fetish. Oh my god!" I groaned, "I regret saying I ever liked your foot tattoo"

"Are you a toe sucker Colby?" Kat asked, my frustration starting to turn into anger as Leighton's cheeks flushed and Logan's throat cleared, Cynthia snickering to herself.

"For the last time, I don't have a foot fetish"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me" Kat sang Rhianna, my entire body wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

"For the last time, I don't have a foot fetish" I repeated, "Now can we move on? — What are you giggling at? This is your fault" I glared, Leighton giggling to herself, her lip being captured between her teeth as she tried to quiet herself, triggering arousing memories to flash through my brain.

God, not now

"I'm sorry" She apologized, attempting to stop her giggling. "I was just teasing, you know I love you, Colby, it was all fun and games" She smiled, completely oblivious to the three little words that slipped past her lips, stopping my whole world.

I love you

Everyone continued talking as I just stared at her in complete and utter shock.

It's been so long since I've heard those three beautiful words fall from her lips.

She loves me.

I felt like I could cry from pure happiness and utter pain.

She loves me. She finally said she loves me, and she doesn't even know the worst thing I've done to her.

God I can't fucking tell her now, can I?

A smile started to tug at my lips as the sound of her saying I love you played through my brain on repeat, my heart clenching at the idea as my stomach tightened.

"Colby?" Leighton nudged me, bringing me back to the conversation.

"Hm?"

"Logan asked if we were ready to make dinner? You didn't say if you were hungry or not" 

"Oh, um, yeah.. I could go for some food" I hummed, Leighton nodding as Logan and Sam stood up, moving towards the kitchen.

I looked down at Leighton's hand, seeing her engagement ring shine against her beautiful skin and the pink polish of her fingers. Two fingers over on her pointer finger rested the anxiety ring that her thumb loved to spin and the infinity jeweled pendant resting against the dip of her neck, right above where the collar of her shirt rested, daring to show off the sobriety necklace.

She was littered in gifts of my love and affection, dangling those beautiful words right under my nose and she let them slip so casually.

Everything about it felt like a dream.

Her smile and laugh as she said it, the way it sounded and the way my gift of marriage brushed against my thigh.

She loves me.

After everything we've been through, she still loves me.

I leaned in against her, my lips ghosting over her ear as I whispered, "did you mean it?" watching the shiver go down her spine as she turned to look at me, confused.

"Mean what?"

"That you love me" I asked softly, not wanting the rejection to be voiced so publicly.

"What? Of course I love you" She frowned, stating it like it was the most obvious thing ever.

Of course? How was that an "of course"? 

"You do?" I asked softly, hating how my insecurity was dripping off of those two words, Leighton's green eyes moving to look at my blue ones.

"I love you Colby" She repeated, her eyes staying on mine as her hand came up to cup my jaw, her thumb brushing against my cheek, her eyes flickering down to my lips then back up to my eyes before she leaned in and placed her lips on mine, kissing me for the second time in just a few weeks.

My body stayed tense, afraid of melting into the kiss, fear of this entire thing coming back to slap me in the face, only for Leighton to pull away, my eyes opening as the fear kicked in, her eyes still closed as she leaned in again, placing a few sweet pecks against my lips.

"I love you" she murmured against me, her eyes opening, the same twinkle of happiness shining as the night I proposed to her.

I love you

* * * * 

Do we think Colby will ever tell her? 😬

Written on: June 28th, 29th, July 1st, 2nd, 3rd 2023

Published on: July 3rd 2023

Word Count: 7.8k

Part Seventeen

[prttyjia]

CAFÉ WORKER

PAIRING: Jennie Kim x Fem!reader

GENRE: Fluff

SYNOPSIS: You casually enter a local café while being on a walk with your dog as you suddenly notice the kindhearted and charming waitress.

✜　　　.　 ♡ 　₊　　🎀　　◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜ highlighted song for fanfic:

day 1 - red velvet

You gasp for air after having ran 3km with your golden retriever dog Daisy. You're exhausted as you look around your surroundings, wondering where the perfect spot for taking a snack break would be.

A small café at the corner of the street catches your interest, with its aesthetically pleasing exterior decoration. You bat and eye upwards to see a big sign saying "Cherry Charm Café". You smile as you have high expectations for discovering this lovely café.

You cross the street with Daisy, as you walk towards the café. You notice the café isn't crowded at all, and rather quite. Knowing the nearest Starbucks only was a few minutes away from the café it made sense.

Pushing on the door handle you see a very cozy interior of the café, kind of cherry themed as the sign signaled. Surprised of how underrated the café was you quickly leash Daisy at the indoor seating area and take a few steps forward to read the menu.

"Berry-Cherry Parfait", "Cherry Chip Scones", "Cherry Blossom Waffles" and "Ruby Red Refresher" was quite some delightful food and drink names on the menu. You suddenly hear the voice of an old lady at the cashier.

"Hello dear, what may i get for you?" she smiles warmly at you as she approaches the register. You didn't expect the sweet lady to be the only one working there, so you behave your best to make sure you don't make a rude impression on her.

"Hi! Im not quite sure what to get, i was wondering if you could recommend me your favourite drink of the item? Im sure you have excellent taste!" i reply as i compliment her.

"Oh thank you darling, i would say the Cherry Iced Tea is my favourite! It has been my daily ever since the shop opened a few months ago. I know that the Cherry Almond Bliss Muffins aren't really a drink, but you need to have a taste of them!"

"That's brilliant, then i'll order one of those and the iced tea aswell!" you say as you mess around in your pouch trying to find your payment card. As you finally swipe the card on the card reader the old lady smiles as she prepares the drink for you.

You tell the old lady that you will be sitting on the second floor at the balcony, and she noods her head making sure your order will be assisted directly to your table.

Shortly after you see a pretty girl, seeming to be around your age. She has a cherry themed casual wool dress on, wich perfectly complimented her sharp angled shoulders. She held a tray with the delicate looking muffin and iced tea, as she smiled at you while walking up the stairs. She was walking towards you with her clicky white dolly heels, as she flipped her straight black hair behind her.

"Hello, thank you so much for visiting our café! Heres your order." she smiles warmly and squints her cat resembling eyes in a cute way, as she bows slightly to place the tray on the table.

"T-thank you!" you stutter slightly still amused by her captivating presence. You can't stop focusing on her beauty, and you stare at her eyes deeply.

"Do you need anything else..?" she smiles akwardly at you as she gestures her hands infront of her. She seems to have noticed you staring at her, and shes rather curious than uncomfy.

"Uh.. may i ask what your name is..?" you nervously ask.

"My name? its right here on my badge. Jennie." she replys as she points to the badge on her dress.

"Oh i didn't notice.. thank you Jennie.." you say slightly shy because of her alluring charm.

"No worries, you can ask me for anything! I don't have many customers coming here, so take your time!" she smiles as she steps away slightly, letting you eat in peace. Afraid of her leaving so quickly you impulsively ask "W-wait! if you don't have much to do.. can you acompany me while i eat?.. i apologise if its a weird request.."

"Huh? are you sure that you wont be uncomfy with a stranger sitting with you while you eat..?" she looks weirdly at you as she chuckles slighty.

"I-i wont! you seem really nice.." you say, noticing the conversation getting weirder and weirder.

She sighs as she smiles and sits infront of you while putting one leg over the other. She notices you taking a slurp of the drink, as she wanted to ask you how it tasted.

"So..?"

"Its pretty tasty, i like it!" you smile at her as she seems pleased by your answer.

"Awesome, im glad you liked it!" she tilts her head slightly as she puts her palms together as a sign of gratitude. "My grandma told me that you had good manners towards her, im thankful for your kindness!" she smiles at you as she watches you take a bite of the cake.

"Shes a sweet lady, no wonder she's you're grandma with how you both share that personality trait." you say complimenting her as Jennie gets flustered.

"Aww you're too kind! You seem quite familiar.. do you also go to Londale High?" she looks curiously at you.

"Yes i do, im a senior there!" you tell her as she smiles endearingly at you .

"Really? me too! Miss Patel..?"

"From history class!" you finish her sentence as you both chuckle slightly.

"Ive never noticed you, thats crazy!" she smiles at you as she leans in closer getting more interested in the conversation.

"I haven't seen you before either, but im happy to hear you go there! maybe we could meet up sometime?" you ask invitingly as she noods at you.

"Mhm, i would love that! you seem like a lovely person!" she smiles as she holds both your hands in a friendly way and tilts her head slightly as she smiles.

You blush slightly by her gesture, but looking at her you notice she seems like a clingy person, so you dont mind.

"Want to go to the mall later on today? i heard they have a huge sale!" you ask her as she rests her head on her hand.

"Sounds awesome, heres my number!" she pulls out a sticky note and a pencil from her pockets and starts writing down her number.

"I have taken a lot of your time and i should be heading out. Thank you for everything, and i love you're grandmas muffins!" i smile at her as i put the sticky note in my bag and push the chair in.

"I loved taking with you, no need to apologise!" she smiles at you as she brushes off her dress and picks up your plate, and walks with you downstairs. She stood outside the staff-only room just about to enter, as she noticed Daisy and said "Bring your sweet dog with you!" she smiles at you as you smile back and reply "Will do!" and see her leave.

You take Daisy's leash in your hand as you walk out the café, thinking about Jennie's bubbly and cute personality.. you really liked Jennie. But to take things slowly you wanted to get to know her before really just assuming that she's the one.

You start running with Daisy again, just mesmerised by your interaction with Jennie, the sweet waitress.

hi yall this is the first jennie kim x fem!reader im creating, if theres any grammatic errors i apologise since english isnt my first language! thank you for reading. also guys was this too fluff or boring? and comment if i should make a part 2!

[princess-hemmo96]

The Deal - 12. Awkward Discussions (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/892047118-the-deal-12-awkward-discussions?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=princess_hemmo96&wp_originator=2vLG8nnN1KdvB7a3eN8xrvODr52vjHoqX1OR6yrG7El36qNNYr%2FoqFYL8XZNCfbA%2Bg9bx%2FJ2%2BpmV0WjMWGG8DmTIKar6xsyl022UuChHXK7yGp%2B0CGfGsOBXPuEKGhD8 For a brand deal Nicki Gale has to fake date ex best friend Colby Brock. How far will 'fake dating' go?

[exoruinmykokoro-blog]

“As angels we have wings but we must be taught how to fly. As fools we love without being thought how and that’s how angels fall down and tears end up being dropped in a pillow at 2 in the morning. We might not be stupid but being young is an equal of it. But in the beauty of love I found his heart and I also found his eyes. I found his lips and I found his skin. I found his love and also his kindness. So sad was to know that I found it in two different souls” #colbybrock #colbybrockedits #colbybrockimagines #colbybrockfanfiction #colbybrocksecret #thetraphouse https://www.instagram.com/p/By9ZAjSJi-o/?igshid=17iqhn42dxq6t

[britswriting]

Devotion (15)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Place your guesses here: Boy or girl? - to my friends who know, zip it lol

*Leighton's POV*

"Do you think this is stupid?" I worried, Colby and I leaving the arts and crafts store with three different bags of supplies, a white canvas under Colby's arm.

"Leighton, I think they'll leave it no matter what we do. They're finding out if our baby is a boy or a girl" 

"I know, I know! I just, I don't want it to be dumb, ya know?"

"It's not dumb Leighton" He eased, slipping the canvas into the back seat, taking the bags from me. "I think everyone will be excited. I don't know why you're so worried"

"I don't know. I just want it all to be perfect. I want Gemma to enjoy it and be excited and I'm nervous as fuck for your parents to be there. I mean, everyone is finding out at the same time that I'm pregnant, and what the gender is. That's a lot to digest in one afternoon"

"I can't believe we're trusting April with this" Colby chuckled, looking over his shoulder as he reversed.

"I know. She was losing her mind last night on the phone, telling me I needed to come to her house immediately so she could tear open this piece of paper. I still can't believe that I could just like, flip it open and see, ya know? Like our baby's gender reveal is sitting in my bag. That's fucking wild"

We arrived at April and Kevin's home, April sprinting out the door before we even had our seatbelts off.

"GIVE ME IT!" She yelled, her hands slapping the window on Colby's side, both of us laughing as we got out, April's eyes wide as she looked between the two of us.

"You're not allowed to look till we're gone! I don't want to hear or see your reaction!" I warned, April glaring.

"You can't do that to me!"

"Yes I can! It's my baby!" I laughed, helping Colby grab the stuff.

"God, you guys weren't kidding when you said you bought a bunch of stuff"

"I had a vision!"

We entered her backyard, Colby filming on his phone as I laid the canvas down, going through the bag, showing April what we got.

"So I thought we could use these" I showed her the balloons, "and like we fill them with paint and then pop them on the canvas? It be like the correct colors or whatever" I showed her the different paints we got, "And I thought about using like tape or something on the canvas and put like Brock or something? Something more personal? I thought we could test it out and if it didn't work, just scrape that all together" I giggled, letting her dig through the supplies we got.

"Tell the camera what we're doing Leighton" Colby spoke up, getting me to look over my shoulder, seeing his phone pointed at me.

"I'm showing April my idea for the gender reveal" I smiled, starting to get giddy at the fact that we'll know soon.

"I can't believe you're having my baby" he teased, a smirk on his face behind the phone.

"Shut up" I laughed, turning back to focus on the project.

~

"God I'm shitting bricks" I let out a breathy laugh, knowing our guests are going to be here soon.

"I just can't believe you got everyone to come. I mean, Colby's family is flying in, and Sam and Kat are coming" Cynthia noted and I nodded, both of us helping April set up the party.

People started trickling into the house, a few questioning why the windows to the back yard were covered, no one questioning why I was wearing a 3XL hoodie that covered my dress, and bump.

Logan and Sam helped my dad get my mom downstairs in her wheelchair, Landon holding the oxygen tank, mixed feelings bouncing around in my chest as she came into my line of sight.

I was happy to see her here, to be involved, to see her... upright, but it also saddened me to see her just look soo.. lifeless? Fragile? Like with one wrong move, it was over.

I felt a hand grasp mine, causing me to jump, our two hands intertwining as I looked over, seeing Colby was next to me, a sympathetic lazy smile on his face as he squeezed my hand, mouthing "You alright?" to which I nodded.

"Do you think Lexi will show?" I asked quietly, watching Gemma and Harper mess around with Landon and Finley.

"I hope so, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Don't let her ruin your day though, okay?" 

I nodded, Gemma running up to us, Colby picking her up, "How is my Gem Gem?" He asked, a big smile shining on her face.

"Good!"

"Yeah? Are you excited for the party? Excited to see your uncles and cousins?" He asked, Gemma nodding, my hand pulling out my phone to take a photo of them.

"Can you smile for me G?" I asked, Gemma grinning, Colby kissing her cheek as I snapped the photo, snapping another when Gemma started to giggle as Colby messed with her, placing endless kisses on her face.

"Stop!" She squealed, wiggling against his grasp, "Coco!"

"What's the magic word?" He asked, Gemma's adorable laughter catching our friends and families attention, the smile on my face growing as my cheeks tightened.

"Peas!" She begged, Colby shaking his head as Harper came over to try and help, jumping up towards Gemma and Colby before tugging on his shirt, demanding that he put Gemma down.

"Say I love you" He demanded, everyone laughing, both of us knowing Gemma was quite the ham for attention.

"I wuv you!" She giggled, Colby flipping her upside down as her tickled her, his arm staying around her stomach, "I can't hear you"

"I LOOOVE YOU COOOCOOO!" She squealed, catching her breath as Colby turned her right side up again, kissing her cheek, "I love you too Gemma" before setting her down, Gemma running over to me.

"Momma!" She panted, "Coco mean!" 

"He can't be that mean if you've got a big smile on your face, bug" I teased, carefully squatting down, praying to god I didn't pee myself. "But if your feelings are hurt, go tell him" I nodded towards Colby who was now talking to Sam, his body slightly tense as his eyebrows furrowed.

I watched Gemma toddle over to Colby, his little finger stabbing him repetitively in his side, catching his attention; his eyes looking down at her as her arms crossed, there quick exchange ending in a hug and a kiss before Gemma ran back over to me; my brain using every ounce of willpower it could find to keep my arms at my side, and not caress my fluttering stomach.

"Momma!"

"Yes, baby?" I answered, this time not crouching, generally afraid of the baby pressing too hard against my bladder.

"Coco say.. say sworry!" She giggled, her face full of pride and glee.

"He did?" I played along, my eyes flickering between my daughter and my fiancé.

"Yes!"

"I'm so proud of you Gemma Lorraine" I smiled down at her, her beautiful little face reminding me far too much of my own.

Her fathers eyes twinkled bright, but her smile shined just like mine and I swore our smiles were identical to my mothers.

I took a deep breath, my hand brushing her baby hairs out of her face before she ran off to go play with Harper; my eyes glancing back over to where Colby was, only to see that he wasn't there anymore. 

"Hey sis" I heard behind me, my head whipping around quicker than I intended, Logan chuckling when I winced, my hand coming out to smack him.

"Stop doing that!"

"I didn't do anything" he laughed, pulling me into a hug, carefully giving me his big brother hug, gasping when I smacked him on the back of the head. "What the hell, Leighton!"

"You're a dick" I laughed, shoving him away from me, "And you can't hit me back because I'm.... pregnant" I whispered, checking to make sure no one was paying attention. "Now stop scaring the shit out of me every time I see you. You're going to make me pee myself" 

"You didn't even jump!" He defended himself, his eyes crinkling as we grinned at each other. 

"I didn't have to jump to still smack you, you're still an asshole"

"I'm your favorite asshole though" he shot back, both of us grimacing at the way it sounded, "You know what—"

"Actually" I heard behind me, a hand sneaking up on my waist, pulling me into their hold, "I'm her favorite asshole" he murmured against my ear.

Logan was flabbergasted, "Now why didn't you smack him?!"

"Because she loves me" Colby smirked, my hand pinching the sink on his waist, Colby jumping slightly, looking down at me, "You're both equally annoying" I grumbled, moving out of his hold, Colby quickly grabbing my hand, keeping me hostage, "Where are you going?"

My eyebrows raised, "The love of your life has to pee" Colby let go of me and I quickened my pace down the hall, locking myself in the bathroom, practically tripping over my own feet in the rush.

"You've got to stop leaning on my bladder, bubs" I quietly griped, still feeling unstratified as my dress fell down against my thighs, the sound of someone knocking getting drowned out by the toilet flushing. "One sec!"

"It's just me" Colby announced, my fingers quickly pushing in the lock, allowing him to twist open the door as I washed my hands, carefully closing the door behind him, locking it again. "You alright?"

"Mhm"

"You've been in here a while"

"What if I had to poop, huh?"

"This is not your pooping bathroom. It's too public" He snickered, my jaw dropping.

"What does that mean!"

"It means if you had to poop you would've gone upstairs" He chuckled.

"I told you I had to pee"

"When would you ever tell me you had to poop?" He asked, passing me the towel.

 "When it's an emergency"

I ignored his stifled laughter, snatching the oversized hoodie off the counter.

"I can't believe we're telling everyone today"

"I know. Do you think your mom is going to hate me more?" 

"She doesn't hate you, Leighton"

"Well she doesn't love me. I don't buy the nice act. I'd place my bet on the fact that this whole buddy buddy thing is for you. I'm pretty sure if you weren't here, she wouldn't be coming"

"Well, you are having my baby, Leigh"

"That's not the point" I huffed, double checking that my bump was hidden, Colby quickly on my trail to the living room, Katrina being the first new face I spotted.

"Hey!" I greeted, attempting to give my best friendly smile, Colby slipping past us back over towards Sam.

"Hey" She smiled, the awkwardness being enough to make me wish I hadn't said anything.

"Thank you for coming" I smiled, my hands hiding in the sleeve of my hoodie, balling the extra material in my palms.

"Anything for Colby" She passed a tight smile, my lips pursing as I nodded.

"Alight, well uh, I should um.." I pointed back towards my family, Katrina nodding.

God that was awkward.

I mingled for a bit, silently hoping the quietness of the children wouldn't end in destruction.

"Leighton, babe, are you ready?" Colby questioned, eyeing down towards my stomach.

"Your parents?" I mouthed, Colby nodding over towards Sam.

I spotted his brother, his brothers' girlfriend and his parents, confusion washing over my face.

Are they ignoring me too, or is that just something my brain is making up out of insecurity?

"Yeah, I'm ready" I sighed, Colby grabbing my hand, leading me towards the patio door, clearing his throat.

"Hey everyone!" he started, the volume of his voice making heads turn, "I just uh, wanted to tell everyone how much Leighton and I appreciate you showing up, especially on such short notice" I nodded, a smile plastered on my face as the nerves ate away at me. "I'm sure you've gathered that this isn't just a get together" He chuckled, a few people following suit, "Leighton and I actually have been meaning to tell you something" he led on, my eyes immediately finding the most supportive faces I could.

My dad, the small smile on his face as memories flooded through of him finding out, and then Cynthia, and the wave of emotion that brought upon me, Logan right next to her... April, how excited she was to do this whole party. To be involved. 

My eyes scanned the room, catching all of my biggest shoulders to lean on, but there was someone missing.

"Leighton?" Colby nudged, my eyes filling with tears as my smile waivered.

"Colby and I are uh.. um, expecting" I stuttered, the tears threatening to fall as I lifted the hoodie, showing off my beautiful baby's bump.

I scanned the rooms as faces lit up, cheers were let out and people began to huddle closer, hurdling a thousand questions to both of us, passing on congratulations and how they expected this to happen, and yet the person I really wanted by my side wasn't here.

I mindlessly answered the due date question, how my pregnancy has been, when we found out and even how both of us reacted to finding out before excusing myself, throwing the hoodie to the side and rushing back off to the bathroom, carefully falling to my knees as I emptied my stomach.

Tears streamed down my face as I exhaled, leaning back against the cabinets, listening to the flush cycle through.

I don't know how long I sat here, messing up my makeup until the lock clicked open, my eyes squeezed shut, not ready for Colby's reprimanding of leaving my own party.

"Hey" A soft voice surprised me, my eyes popping open as streaks of light continued to hinder my vision, "What's wrong? Everyone's excited" She said, taking a seat next to me.

"What are you doing in here? You don't have to do this" I sighed, wiping under my eyes, not wanting Katrina's pity right now.

"I know" She stated, her shoulder brushing against mine.

My eyes rolled, snatching the toilet paper roll in hope of saving some of my makeup and not looking like a girl the morning after.

Kat sighed, "Why are you hiding out?"

"I'm not hiding"

"Oh, so this isn't looking like that time in the bowling alley?" She joked, the room falling quiet.

"I'm alright. You didn't have to check up on me. I know you aren't my biggest fan—"

"I never said that"

"You don't have to Kat, and it's okay. I don't have to be everyone's friend. It's fine, I just, I don't want your pity either. For whatever reason you're here.. you don't have to be" 

I struggled to push myself up, hesitantly accepting Kat's help, the two of us staying silent as we walked back out to the party, Colby's eyes meeting mine, the room having cleared out; everyone in the backyard.

"What's wrong?" He asked and I shrugged, offering a pity smile, stepping into the backyard.

I found my best actress smile, mingling until it became time to find out what April and I have been waiting for only for Colby to pull me away.

"Leighton, why do you look like a beaten puppy? What happened? People are starting to notice, and I know that's not a big deal, but this should be a happy day. We're finding out our baby's gender!—"

"Gender doesn't even mean anything" I grumbled, snatching a cupcake off the table, undoing the wrapping and taking a bite.

"Yes, of course, we will love that baby no matter what, but it helps us figure out a name" He continued.

"We can name it anything" I huffed.

"I'm just going to stay quiet now" He noted, ignoring my glare as I grabbed another cupcake. "Are we just going to angrily eat cupcakes now or can we talk about why you were crying in the bathroom?"

"Is it that obvious?" 

"Your mascara is a little smudged"

"Shit!" I pulled out my phone, fumbling to open my camera, "I look like shit, Colby!"

"You don't look like shit"

"Shut up" I grumbled, shoving my cupcake at him, "Hold this" before scurrying away to fix my makeup.

I wiped off the smudged disaster, carefully reapplying a hopefully even coat only to be met by Colby again.

"Talk to me, please" he begged, "You're always telling me to communicate-" I shot him a glare, "So please, communicate with me, Leighton"

"Not the time. I need to plaster a happy smile on my face and go find out if we're having a mr or misses Brock"

"Please"

"It's not going to fix anything"

"At least tell me what it's about. Is this still about Lexi?" He asked and I shook my head, "Your mom?" he guessed again, my obvious glare making him continue, "Gabe? Come on, Leigh. Tell me"

"It's Aaliyah" I caved.

"Oh"

"Yeah oh" 

"Have you talked to her since you kicked her out?" He asked, throwing away the mascara covered makeup wipes.

"I've tried to. I wanted to apologize for my actions. Make it up to her, yet I got nothing in return and I'm pissed off that she won't talk to me, and It's my fault and I know that. I do. I know I fucked it up and I know that she was right.. but.. did I mess it up this fucking bad? So bad that she won't show up to my gender reveal party? How was that worse than picking me up from jail? I mean, I know we've both had our moments and shit happens, but it's always water under the bridge. It's always been okay after a little while"

"How about we go see her tomorrow? Tell her the good news, let you guys talk? I know it doesn't fix her not being here now, and I'm sorry that her absence is causing you pain and sadness, but don't let one person's grudge hold back your happiness. It's supposed to be a good day, baby. Gemma's going to tell us if it's a girl or a boy and we can go from there. Whether it be the most beautiful unisex name and nursery and upbringing, or the more basic bitch name that they'll get teased for at school.. this is our baby. Our pride and joy. A piece of our family, and I want to share this joyous moment with you. With our friends and family, our daughter. Please, let's just take a deep breath and go enjoy our day, okay?" He suggested, bringing my knuckles up to his chapped lips.

"Okay"

~

"Are you excited, G?" Colby asked, squatting behind her as we handed her the water balloon full of paint, the canvas propped up by a child size easel, a white tarp covering the fence and grass, creating what will hopefully be a stress free clean up. "You know what to do, right? Just throw this at the white board" He pointed, Gemma nodding, giggling as she messed with the water balloon, the small amount of water and paint shaking up in the black balloon.

"Cameras rolling, right?" I called out, knowing Sam was recording and April was taking photos.

"We're rolling!" He called back out and I nodded, shaking the jitters out of my hands.

We're going to know within seconds.

Blue or pink paint in that balloon changes our entire life.

Was it basic bitch colors? Yes. But it was easy, and Gemma knew what it meant, so fuck everyone else. I'll love my baby no matter what it wants to be, no matter if it's got Colby's shitty communication issues, or my crappy drug issues, or our so called gay gene as Colby puts it, this is my baby and whether it's porn with a penis or vagina, it's part of our family-

"Leighton!" Colby's fairly loud voice shook my thoughts.

"What?"

"Ready?"

"Ready" I nodded, grabbing my own paint filled balloon, Sam stood behind the canvas, capturing our reactions as everyone counted down from 10.

10

9

8

7

"I'm so fucking nervous" I muttered, Gemma practically bouncing in front of us.

"I'm excited" Colby grinned.

5

4

3

"Ready G?" He asked, Gemma nodding.

2

1

"Throw at the board, Gemma!" I gave her the green light, all three of us tossing our paint filled water balloons at the white canvas, the water mixing with the paint making it splatter in chaos against the canvas.

"OH MY GOD!" I shrieked, Colby pulling me into a hug, his arms wrapping around my back and before I knew it, my lips were placed on his.

A moment passed before our eyes fluttered open, wide smiles mirroring each other, our eyes holding gaze for a few seconds before Colby picked up Gemma and spun her around.

"It's a girl, Gemma! Can you believe it? You're going to have a baby sister, lovebug! Are you so excited?" Colby cheered, Gemma giggling as she got tossed in the air, my heart dropping to my stomach until his hands swiftly caught her, littering her in kisses.

It's a girl

We're having a baby girl!

Oh my god

OH MY GOD

"Holy shit" I muttered, my eyes wide as a million things began to go through my head.

We're doing this again.

It's Gemma all over again.

It felt like the past 4 years were replaying through my head. The labor and delivery, the late night feedings, the frills and the sparkles, the barbies and baby dolls.

Times two.

We're doing this again.

My eyes found my mothers, and as lifeless as they looked, I swear I could see life within.

She's going to be a grandmother to another baby girl.

She'll have three granddaughters.

Three beautiful bundles of joy to carry on her legacy.

I quickly walked over to her, carefully crouching in front of her as I wrapped my arms around her.

"You're going to be a grandmother to a baby girl again, mom" my voice cracked, tears starting to roll down my cheeks as I pictured introducing my second daughter to my mother. 

Showing my mother her beautiful eyes, her ten fingers and ten toes, the way her chubby cheeks smiled.

"I can't wait for you two to meet" I smiled, swiping the tear off my own mothers cheek.

"Con......grat....ulat........ions...... su......n.....sh....i....ne"  Her slow raspy voice let out, my entire body crumbling beneath my feet.

"Thank you, mom" 

~

I felt guilty for sitting, watching everyone else help clean up, my gaze lingering a little too long on Colby's mom who has yet to talk to me; in fact, his entire family seems to be avoiding me for reasons I was unsure of — quickly looking away when she'd turn around, only to land on Landon who was sitting next to Finn, Gemma and Harper appearing to be showing them something.

Cynthia plopped down next to me, mirroring my position by kicking her feet up, "Hey creeper"

"Creeper?"

"Mhm"

"I'm not a creeper" I pouted, turning my neck to look at her, taking her appearance

How did she look so good in this heat?

Her hair was pulled into a tight bun, her tight curls falling over the top of it, giving this cute messy look; the blue t-shirt popping against her dark skin, the white shorts making me raise a brow.

"Experimenting?" I half jokingly teased, motioning towards the stark white shorts.

"It's called Logan bought me them and I'm being a supportive wife" She replied, ignoring my laugh.

"He tried. Doesn't he know you never wear white pants? I mean, I think you barely own white sundresses" 

"We're being supportive, Leighton" She chuckled, her lips staying in a tight line, threatening to crack into a smile.

"HEY LOGAN!" I yelled across the yard, catching his attention, motioning towards us.

"Leighton!" Cynthia hissed.

I waved her off, watching my older brother make his way over to me.

"What?"

"Your wife? You're the only white she does. Got it?" My eyebrows raised, Logan's face masking confusion, Cynthia gasping.

"Leighton Rae!"

"What is going on? Was that a race joke? From you?" Logan asked, tossing me a weird look.

"Cynthia says she's being supportive by wearing the ugly white shorts you've bought her. I thought I'd save your marriage and let you know that your wife? Doesn't do white"

Logan and Cynthia began to converse about the drama I've stirred up, Cynthia sending me a harsh glare as I excused myself, wandering back over to the snack table that I know Colby and April have ordered no one to clean up.

"Leighton" Colby's dad greeted, nerves making the muscles in my back tense.

"Mr. Brock" I smiled, hoping he bought it and couldn't read me like the worst book ever written.

"Congratulations on your pregnancy. I can't wait to meet the little one" He tossed me a supportive look, my eyes catching Colby's blue ones, seeing he was talking with Gage and Landon, his face full of worry not setting me at ease by a landmine.

What was he so worried about?

Shouldn't he be happy I was talking to his dad?

"You and I both. I can't believe it's a girl. I honestly thought it was going to be a boy. I literally voted for boy on that game my friend set up" I giggled, my hand running over my stomach, feeling another flutter, naturally starting to rock my hips side to side a little bit, knowing the baby settles with movement, praying to god she didn't add more pressure onto my bladder.

"Take it from a Brock boy, who raised Brock boys.. be glad it's a girl" He laughed, my nerves immediately take ease at how lighthearted he was being.

"That bad, huh?"

"These gray hairs? Gage has one half and Cole has the other. Now if you ask Lesa, they're her perfect boys who've never broken a lamp in their day" He chuckled, my eyes flickering back over to Colby, catching him quickly looking away.

"Got room for more gray hairs? Something tells me  it's about to get a lot more messy" I joked, my hand going in a soothing motion over my stomach.

"You've done this before, it'll be alright" He reassured, my head tilting.

"You just told me the Brock genes gave you gray hairs!" I laughed, "Gemma's working on it, but this one is going to have your son's DNA written all over it. I'm going to need all the help I can get"

"Speaking of" shit, now what? "I've heard you guys have been thinking about moving" double shit. Who told them? Colby... "Have you considered Arizona? I'd love to be a lot closer to my granddaughter" Granddaughter? Singular? What about Gemma?

"Sir... Mr. Brock, as much as I'd love to be closer to you guys.." I caught my lower lip between my teeth, slowly releasing it, "I wouldn't want to get hotter than California, and Arizona sounds god awful. I mean, how do you guys survive? I heard that some days you can cook an egg right on your driveway! That sounds like hell. I mean, how don't you cook alive? California is kicking my ass.. er.. butt, as it is. I can't imagine being pregnant in that kind of weather" I rambled, annoyed at myself and Mr. Brock for not having cut me off sooner. 

Colby I swear to god if you don't come save me—

"It's not terrible all the time" He attempted to coax me into an agreement and I quickly excused myself, pulling the I'm pregnant and need to pee card, praying to god I can outwait this conversation in the kitchen.

I walked into the living room, finding Landon sitting on the couch with Nova, his eyes lighting up when he spotted me, calling out "Leighton!" being a much welcomed disaster.

"Hey" I smiled, plopping down next to him, getting a closer look at his face, my jaw dropping, "How the fuck is your liner so even? What the hell?"

"Years of practice" He teased,  my face shifting into a glare of disbelief, Landon stifling his laughter, clearing his throat, "I actually have been meaning to talk to you"

"Oh?" My ears perked, my head tilting as he chewed his lower lip.

"Yeah, I uh.. It's um.. been... somewhat of a long time coming?" He started, visibly swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Well I already know you're gay" I joked, Landon rolling his eyes. "Just spit it out, you know I'll love you no matter what. I didn't think talking to me was so scary"

"It's not scary, I'm just.. nervous of you disapproving" He led on, my eyes squinting.

"Disapproving? Of what? I've already met your boyfriend"

"Yeah... that's the thing" He murmured, struggling to keep eye contact.

"What? Did you guys break up? I thought you said he was busy today" I interrupted, Landon's lip turning white from how hard he was biting it.

"No we're still together" He eased, confusing me.

"Then what?"

"Well.. uh.." He stuttered, my patience growing thin.

"Spit it out Landon Roy"

"I'm in a polyamorous relationship" He quickly slurred, my lips parting out of shock.

"A poly what now?" I gaped, Landon turning white, uncomfortably shifting away from me. "Wait, so you're in an open relationship?" I asked, my head feeling like it was spinning.

Landon quickly shook his head, "No that's different"

"Then you're a what? What's a poly— poly what? What did you say?"

"Polyamorous"

"Polyamorous" I repeated, Landon nodding. "What's that?"

"It's uh.. well, I'll explain from my perspective to make it easier" he explained, myself nodding, allowing him to continue, "So I am dating Xavier" he stated and I nodded, having already knew that, "And I'm also dating Finley" he dropped the biggest bombshell of my life.

My jaw dropped as my throat became dry, my eyes widened, Landon's reddened cheeks flushing white as he nervously licked his lips.

"You're dating Finn? Like.. like best friend Finn? Like Landon, Finley and Molly, the trio that we once knew to basically be added on siblings? That Finn?" I confirmed, feeling like I got slammed into a wall.

Landon nodded slowly and I blinked a few times, struggling to wrap around whatever the fuck he just told me.

"For how long?" I started, figuring I might as well give him the third degree if my brain wasn't going to keep up in speed. Might as well go on autopilot.

Landon hesitated, "It's been.. a while" 

My eyes narrowed, "Define a while" 

"You're how far along?" He asked, my eyes widened again.

"Landon! Oh my god" I scolded, "I'm almost five months" I glared, scared as to where this was going.

"Um... so around... seven months?"

"SEVEN MONTHS?!" I shrieked, Landon wincing. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"I'm sorry" He immediately apologized, his face filling with sorrow as hurt lingered in my chest.

"You've been together for almost a year, and you're just now telling me?!" 

"We uh, wanted to wait-"

"NO SHIT! Seven months is a long time, Landon!"

"I know, I'm sorry" he frowned, my anger beginning to boil.

I thought we were close?

We fucking lived together! How did I miss any sort've signs that he was interested in Finn?!

"We wanted to just test the waters. See if this is really what we wanted... and uh, a few months past, and then I was scared"

"Scared? Scared of what? Of me?" I questioned, my heart feeling heavy when he nodded. "What?" I whispered, "Why?"

"I didn't want to lose you" he confessed.

"Lose me? Lose me, how?"

How could he think that? 

"I didn't want you to judge me? Disagree?... hate me"

"Hate you? Landon, I could never hate you" I reached forward for him, frowning when he yanked his hand back.

"You hate Lexi" he shot back, the creases on my face softening.

"I don't hate her"

"You don't talk to her, and you disagree with her relationship" 

"I disagree with her relationship because of their age gap. It's different when you're older, but when you're so young.. I just.. I don't agree with it"

"You can see why I'd be nervous to tell you I'm poly" He pointed out, my lips pursing.

"I'm sorry I made you think you couldn't tell me" I apologized, hating that he felt the need to hide such a big secret for so long.

Who all knew?

"What's going on in your head?" He asked, surprising me by how mature he sounded.

I always forget he's no longer my annoying twelve year old brother.

"A lot of things" I answered honestly, not even knowing where to start.

"Well, ask away" 

Surprisingly Landon answered every question. He and Braxton broke up because Landon wanted to experiment with being polyamorous; everything slowly starting to piece together at how out of left field their breakup felt. Landon stopped hanging out with Molly as much due to her constantly feeling awkward now that Landon and Finn were in a relationship.

I decided to learn about what being polyamorous meant, Landon explaining that it meant x amount of people were committed to each other like a typical relationship, whereas an open relationship you were able to mess around with anyone. Or at least I think that's what he meant. I don't know, I'm still learning.

"So you're not mad?" He asked quietly and instead of answering I pulled him into a hug.

"I'm not mad. I'm curious and have a shit load of questions, but I'm not mad. Thank you for finally telling me, and I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't just because of how I reacted with Lexi. I love you, Landon"

~

"Leighton, I don't understand why you're so nervous" Colby expressed, holding the door open to a somewhat nice apartment complex.

Clearly Aaliyah had to of gotten have her feet to afford this place.

"Because what if she doesn't want to ever talk to me again? Colby, you don't understand. We're never like this. Even when we're mad at each other, we get over it! It's rare for us to go this long without at least texting each other" 

"Leigh, I understand. Believe it or not, I've known you longer than you're currently giving me credit for" He snickered, my finger jabbing into the elevator button as I tried to calm the nerves in my stomach.

Colby's hand rubbed soothing circles on my lower back as I rang the bell, praying I had the right apartment.

Is she going to slam the door in my face? Will she hear me out? Can we finally patch up this ridiculous tiff we had?

We were met with silence. 

"Do I try again?" I asked softly, my voice dripping in insecurity, Colby shrugging, allowing me to hit the bell again.

I tried knocking, ringing the bell a third and fourth time before giving up.

"Maybe she's not home?" Colby suggested and I sighed, running my hand through my fairly long black hair.

With one final attempt failing, we quietly walked back to our car, no one saying a word until we reached a stoplight near my parents house.

"I'm sorry you didn't get to talk to her" Colby said softly, my head leaning back against the headrest.

"I just, I don't understand, ya know? Like I want to fix this. I want my best friend back. I want to share this with her and I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. Did I really burn our bridge over something so fucking stupid?"

"Leighton, you can't control how other people respond to things. The best you can do is keep trying. Maybe she's busy, maybe she wasn't home?" He rambled off, the feeling of his eyes on me becoming hard to ignore as I kept my gaze held outside the passenger side window. "Leigh?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?" He asked, his hand grabbing mine, getting me to look at him.

"I'll be fine"

"That isn't what I asked"

"I don't want to talk about it because I know it's my fault, and I regret it enough as it is"

"Okay...." he glanced back over at me, our eyes meeting for a few seconds before I looked back out the window, "Have you asked your boss about the trip?"

"I have"

"And?"

"It got approved. Four days off"

"Four days?"

"Don't push your luck Brock, I've got bills to pay" I warned, Colby smirking as he shook his head.

"I wasn't pushing my luck"

"Mhm"

"I wasn't!" He laughed, his smirk growing into a grin when he noticed my face was slipping to keep it's careless posture. "Come on! It's going to be fun, Leigh"

"I know it will be fun. I'm just nervous"

"Well don't be" He teased, my eyes rolling.

"Haven't heard that one before"

"Someone's moody" he hummed, his lips rolling inwards when I glared at him.

"I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm annoyed. I'm hungry and can't have fast food—"

"Why can't you have fast food?" he interrupted, his brows furrowed.

"Because I've had one too many McDonalds milkshakes and then thrown up afterwards"

"Ah. So we're done with the milkshakes? What's your current pregnancy obsession if it isn't hangover food?"

"Pretzels" I chuckled, "And chocolate. Anything chocolate is great"

"Oh!" he quickly opened the center console, blindly digging around before pulling out a small bag of something, "Here! I uh, I don't know how melted they are, but they were once Reeces" he snickered, handing me the orange bag.

I dug one out, seeing they were melted, and then resolidified, and slightly melted again, "How long have these things been in there?"

"I don't know"

"Colby!" I shrieked, laughter following behind my shock, "Were you planning on poisoning me?!" my chest shook from failed attempt of holding back my laugh, tossing the back into the cupholder. "You're going to need to start storing snacks in here if you want me riding with you to the Airbnb" 

"I get the pleasure of you riding with me?" He asked, his gaze lingering as we waited at a stop sign.

"Only if you bring snacks"

"I don't know if I want pregnant Leighton has my copilot" he snickered.

"Hey! You got me pregnant! I don't want to hear your complainants!"

"So I'm thinking we leave two days after Kat's birthday? That way her and Sam can go do their thing, and then we can all start the few hour drive there?" Colby checked in, his head tilting when my lips pursed, "What?"

"We're not doing anything with Kat for her birthday?"

"Baby, I think they want to just do their own thing"

"But you always do stuff with her for her birthday?" 

"We can do a bigger thing at the rental, how about that? Plus, I thought you guys didn't get along? You've made it clear that she isn't your favorite person to hang around, why I invited more people than just her and Sam to come with us"

"I don't hate her, I just... we don't mix well, ya know? We're different in a way that if we didn't have you and Sam forcing us to hang out, we wouldn't really hang out. She was great and all when I was pregnant, and had the baby, but I don't think us on our own works well"

"How is it that you and Sam are like best friends, but you and Kat don't get along?" He chuckled, my eyes lingering on his arms as he turned the wheel, biting my lower lip as I watched his muscles flex a little, doing a somewhat U-turn move.

"It's not that we are at each other's throats, it's just... we don't mix well. We have different interests, different conversations.. I just, I don't think we would make good friends outside of our common interests of you and Sam, or even just Gemma. Nothing against her, we just— It's not like how her and Stas can have sleepovers, and Stas and I can have sleepovers. We can't be alone. It's honestly kind of awkward"

"Alright well, this time around we get the master bedroom instead of them. They can have your little closet nook"

"Hey! I liked my closet nook" I frowned, not understanding what Colby had against my little cozy hobbit hole.

"It has a twin bed in it, Leighton. I don't know how you survived being pregnant in that thing"

"If I remember correctly, you squeezed into that twin bed, in fact, you yanked me out of it—"

"I was quite rough with you, wasn't I?" He chuckled, "You should've told me you were pregnant. I would've gone easier on you"

"I can't believe we're going back" I sighed, astonished that this was really happening again.

"I know. So much has changed since then" he agreed.

"I know, you got me pregnant and put a ring on my finger" I giggled, wiggling my fingers in front of us, the ring twinkling against the sunlight.

"If you like it then you should've put a ring on it!" He began to sing, my hand coming over to cover his mouth, shrieking when he licked me, only to feel another flutter in my stomach.

Every time I feel the baby move, it feels surreal.

There is life growing inside of me, and these little flutters keep proving that.

"Here, hand me your hand" I rushed, Colby sending me a weird look, "Shut up, just give me your hand" 

I placed his hand on my stomach, Colby constantly looking between me, my stomach and the road, "What are you doing?"

"I keep feeling a flutter and I want to know if you can feel it too!" 

"A flutter?"

"Mhm! Remember when Gemma would kick? I don't know if the baby is positioned enough to feel it on the outside of the stomach, but I keep feeling a similar sensation in my tummy. Make me laugh again" I demanded, Colby stifling his laughter.

"I can't just make you laugh on demand"

"Yes you can! Come on, do it. You're not allowed to tickle me!" I warned, not wanting to pee my pants in his car.

"This is a lot of pressure!" He exclaimed, getting me to giggle, but not enough to make my chest shake. "Oh! Remember when we went to Minnesota and I had met your Aunt and Uncle and we had that dance party in the kitchen making those pizzas? I truly thought your uncle was going to disown me" 

"I'm shocked Aunt Ginger didn't disown Melissa" I giggled, memories of dancing with the Rotty's flashing through my mind. "We should go back" I sighed, missing the environment that was my Aunt and Uncle's house. 

"Tell me when to book the flight and we'll go"

"We can't. I have too many responsibilities"

"Leighton, you've got to live a little"

"I am! I am living! This is me living! I can finally get a good job now that I don't have my record over my head. I can possibility go to college"

"You want to go to school?" He questioned, putting the car into park outside my parents house.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, "I've thought about it"

"Really? What would you go to school for?"

"I don't know... I want to do something though, ya know?"

"Is this you wanting to go to school for yourself, or to prove to others that you aren't a fuck up?" He asked, fully turned to look at me.

"You know" I sighed, "I'm learning that doing shit for others is getting me nowhere. I think I want to do this for myself. To feel accomplished. To feel worthy of something"

"Leighton, you're worthy of everything. You've already accomplished so much. If you want to go to school, I'll support you, but you don't need to do this just to add it to a list of accomplishments to show off. You're never going to be truly happy if you don't do it for yourself. Be proud of the list you made to show yourself, not others" He gave my hand a squeeze before taking his keys of the ignition, unclipping his seatbelt and opening the door, only to turn back to look at me, "Plus, I think having two incredible daughters is already such a huge accomplishment" he winked before climbing out of the car and shutting the door, leaving me alone.

Having two kids was an accomplishment, but what about my best friend? My mother? My sister? Having those people by my side as I achieved these things?

What am I going to tell my daughters when they ask what life was like before them? Or when they were growing up? 

That I'm a drug addicted fuck up? That I lost everyone I loved and had to piece it all together, only to repeat it again?

"Leighton? Are you coming?" Colby called out, his voice muffled from the closed car doors.

I nodded, unclipping my own seatbelt and climbing out of the car, shutting the door, allowing him to lock it.

"You alright?" He asked, motioning for me to walk in front of him up the sidewalk and steps. 

I nodded, pulling the storm door open, Colby's hand reaching out to hold it above my head.

"Coco!" Gemma yelled, scooting off the couch and running over to us, Colby happily picking her up.

Having two incredible daughters is already an accomplishment... Right?

* * * * 

This was supposed to be out days ago but I was preoccupied having a birthday and seeing Taylor Swift lol I apologize 

I also apologize for it being another girl, but it was already written into the storyline when I realized how annoying that kind of is... 

My next Colby book he will have a son, I promise lol it's already planned - I kind of always write kids into my books if you can't tell lol

Lastly, did anyone suspect Landon's secret??? 

Written on: June 12th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 26th, 27th, 28th 2023

Published on: June 28th 2023

Word Count: 7449

Part Sixteen

[britswriting]

Devotion (23)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Warnings: Sexual content - I didn't make it extremely detailed, because if I do that it ends up being 2k words...

*Leighton's POV*

Walking back through our apartment door felt like a slap in the face. I expected to immediately get into pack mode and start figuring out logistics; and yet here I was, no new house to prepare for, no concrete plans to think about. I felt stuck; it was infuriating.

Christmas began approaching with no news about us possibly moving and I was starting to lose hope. We really lost our dream home, and I can't imagine how we're supposed to replace that feeling. Having to start from scratch felt like a stab in the back for all my hopes and dreams.

"Got your bag, kiddo?" I called out, Gemma walking out of the bathroom to come put on her shoes.

"Oh no!" She fretted, racing to her room.

I giggled, loving the sound of her little voice as her feet slapped against the hardwood floor. I swiped my phone and keys off the side table, Gemma coming back with her bag over her shoulders. 

She looked like she was ready to go off to school causing my heart to clench.

Gemma bent over, velcroing her shoes as I snickered to myself watching her backpack almost topple over her head.

"Mommy help!" She whined, fed up as she tossed her foot in the air towards me, the velcro straps flopping.

"Baby, set your bag on the ground, then velcro your shoes. You're a big girl, you can do it. Daddy's waiting on you, let's go" I rushed, needing to get to Gabe's in time for my midwife appointment.

Gemma talked my ear off the entire way to her father's; running up to his door and jumping to ring the bell, greeting Zara with just as much enthusiasm, happily saying goodbye to me and practically leaving me in her dust as I walked back to my car.

I was happy she was happy with her father, but it still felt weird dropping her off and not picking her up for a few days. She was growing up and it was terrifying.

Colby met up with me at my midwife appointment, ending a phone call before greeting me with a kiss, "Ready to see our baby girl?" he asked, lacing our hands together.

"I'm ready to see how much she's grown" I replied, yanking the door open, cold hair hitting me in the face.

"Ms. Fox?" A bright new smiley face beamed from the front desk.

"Can't wait for the day it's Mrs. Brock" Colby murmured to me as I began to check into our appointment, a silly smile spreading around my face as I sided eyed him before focusing back on the papers.

"Claire should be out in a minute" The woman, Becky— reads her nametag, informed. 

Colby and I sat, Colby immediately pulling out his phone to scroll through Instagram, liking posts here and there before opening his text messages.

My eyes rolled as I sighed, quietly complaining, "You know, not to be that girl, but can you get off your phone and talk to me please? This is supposed to be like an important experience for us, and I feel like you're just here because you have to be" I expressed, the nervous butterflies running rampant in my stomach.

Colby glanced at me as I spoke, his thumb clicking the off button, "I didn't know you wanted me to constantly fill the silence" 

Is he serious? 

"Yes Colby. That's my fricken problem. I can't sit in fricken silence." I groused, turning to face him, "Are you for real? Is it really a big problem for me to want your attention? You know, I recall claiming I wanted date nights and shit when we got back together and look at us now" I huffed.

Am I stupid to think he actually means it when he says he wants this? I swear we agree on one thing and do another. I don't know how else to communicate with this man then bluntly telling him what I want, or need; yet here I am, pregnant with his child and it feels like he'd rather be somewhere else completely.

"I've been busy" He tried to defend, a defeated sigh leaving my lips.

"Yep" is all I said before Claire came and got us, leading us back to the room. 

Colby stared as I went through the motions; even when my shirt was resting under my breasts as she measured my belly, just stared. No comments on the baby, on me, not voicing anything. Just his blue beady eyes staring at me like he had fully checked out and got lost in Colby land.

It wasn't until our daughter was on the screen that he made comments, things like "Look at her hand moving" and "She yawned!"  cooing over our daughter; it definitely made my ovaries think about how I could maybe keep doing this for him. We got our ultrasound photos, set up our next appointment and Colby asked, "Are we going back to the apartment and taking one vehicle to lunch?" Checking in, twirling his car keys around his finger as we walked.

"That's the plan" I replied, hopeful that this would be like a reconnecting date for us. Something I know we would gratefully benefit from. 

No phones. No work. Just us, eating lunch, talking together, enjoying eachothers company.

~

"Your burger and fries," The waitress placed a plate in front of Colby, "and your grilled cheese and tomato soup" she slid the plate and bowl in front of me. "Can I get you anything else?"

"I'm good, you?" I eyed Colby, Colby kindly dismissing the waitress. 

I dipped my grilled cheese before taking a bite, Colby swirling his straw in his soda cup, followed by a drink.

"Do you think I should just give birth in California? I mean, what is the likeness of us finding a house, moving and settling in by the time this baby is born? Especially with a home birth..." I sighed, "I really want to have a home birth, but I feel like every sign is pointing towards it being a bad idea. We literally don't have a place to do it and I'm due in April" I stressed.

With my dad's house having been sold and him temporarily moving in with Logan and Cynthia, I was feeling the pressure of figuring this whole house thing out even more.

Not only was I hitting nesting mode with no nest to prepare, but I was very aware of the calendar days ticking by. This baby had to come out at some point and we were nowhere near prepared. 

"Isn't it too late to decide to do a hospital birth?" Colby questioned, not at all making me feel any better about how short our string was getting.

"Is it ever too late? Can't you just show up to the ER in labor and say, GET OUT OF MY WAY, I'M HAVING A BABY" I whisper yelled, Colby chuckling with a head shake.

"That's exactly how Gemma went. I remember it vividly" he teased, popping a fry in his mouth.

"Oh shut up" I scoffed, snickering, taking another bite of my grilled cheese. "I can't believe I'm back in the situation of having a baby with no plan. I really thought things would be different this time. I had such high hopes for that house.. and I can't believe it slipped through our fingers just like that" I snapped my fingers, huffing.

"You have a plan." He credited, "It just isn't going to plan. Like most labor and deliveries"

My eyes rolled, "Shut up. Now is not the time for an I told you so. Am I just going to shove this baby out in our apartment bathroom? Might as well be on a public bus" I grouched.

"We'll figure it out, Leighton" He reassured, taking another bite of his burger.

"When?" I snapped, "When I'm dripping fluids and in severe pain? Because I think by then it's too late to figure it out" My eyes narrowed. 

"We can always move after she's born" Colby suggested.

"But that wasn't the plan" I whined, my face scrunched up at the idea of trying to move halfway across the country with two children.

It was a pain in the ass when Gemma was an infant, let alone to have a toddler and a newborn.

"But it's a plan" He emphasized my eyes narrowing again.

"Might as well move back in with Aunt Melissa" I huffed, dragging my spoon through the thick red liquid.

"That's also a plan. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we were actively house hunting. Your aunt and uncle love when you're over" 

"I don't want to keep being in her hair. I'm too old to constantly run to them when shit gets rough"

"I'm just saying we have options. Or we could rent a place, but you don't like airbnb's because of your fear of secret cameras"

"It's a valid fear" I defended, sitting up straighter, feeling the pulling in my lower back.

God I can't wait to get this baby out of me.

"It might be a dice we have to roll if you want to move there before baby girl is born"

"I just hate that nothing, and I mean nothing, ever goes to plan. If it's not one thing, it's another. I don't understand why you aren't more frustrated about this?" 

Colby wiped ketchup from his mouth, licking his lips before clearing his throat, "I am frustrated that we keep having to jump through hoops, but we can't just see what's happened. We just need to figure out plan B"

"Well at this point, we're on plan Z" I grouched.

"I'm trying here Leighton, and you're shooting me down" Colby sighed, leaning back against the chair.

"I know, and I'm sorry, It's just.." I sighed, "I'm beyond frustrated with everything. It's pissing me off"

The entire drive home I scrolled through different houses in our price range, none of them marking every checkbox like the house that we lost. 

Either you had nice bedrooms and a shitty backyard, or a great backyard but it was on a busy street, and if it wasn't a busy street, it had a nice kitchen and family room, but the crime rate was too high. 

Why does nobody talk about how hard it is to find a house to raise your family in?

"We could always build" Colby reminded me, my eyes rolling.

"Colby. I'm due in four months. We're lucky if we can create a fucking floorplan by then" I grumbled, "God," I groaned, "Why couldn't this baby be coming in like.. 2 years from now or something. Something that just gives us more time"

"Leighton, I don't know what to tell you. We need to make a decision eventually, even if it's just temporary. We can always rent a place for a while and build a house or whatever"

"But nothing feels right"

"Babe, you're going to need to give an inch here. If we want to move before this kid is born, we need to have already made solid plans. So what if it isn't your dream kitchen, or beautiful master bath. It's a house that will house our beautiful children temporarily whilst we figure out our long term plan."

I knew he was right, but it didn't make it any less frustrating.

Later that night Colby rubbed the knots out of my back as I showed him different rental properties, holding my tongue about the things I disliked.

It's a house that will house our children. It needs to be safe, not perfect. 

We narrowed it down to a few, even sent two to our realtor with offers, sending us back into the agonizing waiting game.

"My body was not made for pregnancy" I groaned, the weight of this baby in my belly taking a toll on me more every single day.

"And yet you carry it beautifully" his warm lips pressed two soft kisses to my left shoulder blade.

"Don't get any bright ideas, Brock. We're done after this" I half joked, relaxing against his touch, allowing all the weight on my back to press into him.

"Are you being serious, or?" His tone was soft, yet concerned.

"I mean.. do you really think I can do this a third time?" I genuinely asked, "I know Gemma's pregnancy medical wise was worse, but this one is really making me miss when there wasn't a baby in my womb. She's killing my muscles"

"Just wait for when she's on your bladder" He half joked. 

"You put those words right back in your mouth" I playfully snapped, glaring at him, a smile tugging at my lips; only to give in fully as he kissed me.

"You know I love you, and your body, and the way you carry babies, but if you're being serious about being done....... I guess I just need to cherish this pregnancy a little bit more" He caressed my stomach, placing yet another soft kiss on my stomach.

Flashes of earlier at our midwife appointment appeared in my head, but I shoved them far far away, desperately wanting to bask in the affectionate side of Colby that I've been begging to return, then argue about whatever was going on inside of his head only a few hours prior. 

"I'm not saying I'm done for sure.. I'm just... it's hard, Colby. Carrying babies is hard — and if you tell me I carry it beautifully one more time I swear to god" I rushed, Colby's chest vibrating behind me as he chuckled. "I just don't know.. right now.. if I want to do this a third time. I'm sure if we wait a few years I'll want it again, and regret it halfway through, but don't expect me to shove six kids out of my vagina, and if I do, please.. for the love of god, shake some sense into me" I begged, giggling.

"Why would I do that if you make beautiful children?" he asked, kissing my neck.

"Colby" I groaned.. or well.. moaned.

"Hm?" he hummed against my skin, the grumble vibrating against my pulse point, earning yet another moan out of me.

"This isn't fair. I can't think straight if you're making my clit swell, greedy for attention" I huffed, feeling his hand slip between my legs and rub my covered sex, my eyes closing as my legs happily let him in.

"But I like your clit swollen, and greedy for attention. If you want me to stop, tell me to stop and it'll stop" he murmured against my skin, warm wet kissing going up and down my neck from under my jawline all the way down to my collarbone.

"Finish what you started, Brock" I groaned, my back arching off his chest as he pushed my underwear aside, tracing my folds with the tip of his finger, circling around my clit before plunging into my aching center. "Oh my god" I moaned, his finger pumping in and out of my vagina. "Another, please" I begged, or well, cried.

His fingers moved in and out of me, stretching me out before he finally messed with my clit, liquid rushing out of me before I could even process what was happening; my moans loud enough for whomever was on the other side of the wall to hear. 

"Jesus christ I've never come so suddenly" I panted, "Pregnancy is wild" 

"And beautiful—"

"Shut up Colby before I don't want your cock near me" I groaned, moving to face him.

"Look at your bump, baby" he fawned, his hands running over my stomach.

"Colby" I groaned, my hands on the front of his shoulders, shoving him more into the pillows as I straddled his thighs, his erection pressing against my aching cunt. "Can I try something?" I asked, slightly rubbing myself against him, loving the way I could feel him through our underwear.

"Go for it" he struggled out, pleasure written all over his face as his hands rested against my hips.

I began to slide up and down his cock, the head of his penis pressed firmly against his underwear, peeking out from underneath us as I moved against his length, loving the pressure it put on my clit.

Before I knew it, Colby was groaning, cum seeping through his underwear, the white mess making a puddle that seeped into my own underwear, causing me to move quicker, chasing my own orgasm only for him to carefully flip me over, pulling his cock out from his underwear and slipping it into my quivering center, pounding into me with no remorse.

"Oh my fucking god!" I moaned.

"You're so fucking wet" he grunted, my body slamming against his as our hips moved roughly against each other.

"You're covered in cum" I snickered, my nails raking down his back.

"I'm so fucking sensitive; I'm going to come again" he warned, the bed shaking beneath us before we both came undone together, breathless panting, moans and groans emerging as we separated

"We need to have sex when I'm pregnant more often" I panted, my eyes falling shut as he chuckled.

"That means you need to stop being mad at me so frequently" he smirked, my hand slapping his pec.

~

Gemma, Cynthia, Harper and I wandered around the mall Christmas shopping, reminding the toddlers that picking out Christmas wishlist gifts is not the same as buying it so we can play with it when we get home.

"So he just blew you off?" Cynthia asked, holding an upset Harper in her arms — moments ago she tried running off, ending in a lecture on safety and strangers before getting swooped up and put in air jail, Gemma toddling in front of us, hopping on the squares of the tile, trying not to step on the lines, her shoes slapping against the shiny white linoleum flooring.

"Well I reached out because of Christmas, you know? And Sam seemed like I was the last person he wanted to talk to, and then I asked Kat, because duh, and I swear it was like I had the plague or some shit. They ended up telling me they couldn't come due to going to their own families for Christmas, but it still rubbed me wrong. I swear ever since Colby and I got back together, things have been weird and it's just strange. I feel like I'm taking Colby away from his friends, but whenever I reach out, it always feels like I'm the last person they want to talk to. The only person who responds to my texts in a proper friendly manner is Stas, and even then, she's busy doing her own thing. So not only do I constantly feel like an outsider, but I can't even group people together to to meet up and spend some time together" 

"If you've put in the effort, then that's on them. You can't change the way they act towards you. It's not your fault if Colby never sees them because they decide to be offstandish with you" Cynthia shrugs, "You tried— are trying; you're doing your best. It is strange that Sam's dismissing you though. You guys were close, no?" 

"Yes" I sighed, "I'm telling you, ever since Colby and I got together, everything's been weird, and like, Colby used to put Sam on speaker when they talked, or let Gemma talk with him, but there's been so many hushed conversations and anytime he gets lost in his head, he's been conversing with Sam. I just wish one of them would talk to me; I feel like I'm losing them both. The other thing is I tried reaching out to Aaliyah again, but I still haven't heard from her. At this point I feel like I'm just pestering her" I sighed, "And it sucks, because she's my best friend.. or was my best friend, and all because of one stupid fight she's been AWOL. I can't even show up at her doorstep and confront her because I don't know where she is" I complained, "Ugh, enough about my life, how's it going with you and Logan? Is my dad an alright roommate? I swear, Colby and I are working on getting him out of your hair" I joked, Cynthia grinning.

"He's been fine. I think he's enjoyed being around Harper more. I uh.. Logan and I have been meaning to talk to you about something though." Oh god, "Logan has been thinking about doing another year of the Military. Not on active duty, but helping the guys prepare and such, but um.. Harper and I would be following him, meaning we'd be moving out of California for who knows how long. It's just, it's a full time position and I can't go x amount of days without seeing him again" Cynthia's worried expression burned into my brain as my heart rate picked up, "Especially now that we have Harper" 

"You're moving?" I questioned, Cynthia slowly nodding, before letting Harper down so the girls could go play at the tiny play spot in the mall. "I know I'm also moving.. but I just.. I don't know, there is something about finding out he's also moving that feels weird. At least it isn't active duty, right?" I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "Why hasn't he told me? I was on the phone with him last night.."

Logan and I try to call each other weekly at least and just catch up, why wouldn't he have mentioned something? How long has  he known?

"You're his best friend, Leigh. He's afraid of breaking your heart. He almost didn't take it and thought about following you back to Minnesota" Cynthia confessed.

My heart dropped, "He was?"

"Yes, but then he got this opportunity and it made good pay and such.."

"No, no.. I get it.. it's just.... where is it?"

"Fort Knox, Kentucky"

"Oh. Well that's not too far..." I drifted before looking over at her, "Wait, did he try seeing if he could go to Fort Ripley? That's not tooooo far from Aunt Melissa's"

"All the spots are full. Don't think he didn't try to stay with you. I've never seen a closer sibling bond, I swear he'd leave me in a ditch if it meant protecting you" She laughed, "And that wasn't a dig. I love that about him. I love how close you are. You both need each other, and I love that you guys have each other. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you before we both chickened out and landed in Kentucky and had to figure out a way for you to think we were still in California"

 Back at Cynthia's house, the girls and I helped carry in her bags worth of gifts, Nova greeting us at the front door, pulling on my heartstrings, especially since Gemma has been relentlessly asking for a dog, Colby and I's only defense being "The apartment doesn't allow pets" but I knew we were toast once we actually moved.

"Look at that dopey face" I cackled, cupping the rotty's face in my hands, "You're so damn cute" I cooed.

"Remember when she was a puppy? Now look at her" Cynthia laughed, handing a cup of juice to both of the greedy toddlers.

"I'd love to own a rotty, I just.. with two kids and planning to start college I can't imagine trying to puppy train until baby girl is done with her own potty training" I sighed, tossing a rope for the dog.

"Colby will be there to help. I swear you forget you guys are literally engaged. He's made a commitment to help" She laughed.

"He's always working. I can't juggle the house, two kids, working, college and a dog whilst he's gone working" 

 "But then they're home for an extended period of time, right? He'll especially be around to help with the baby" 

"Speaking of the baby. Colby wants to name her Lennon, and I think I agree with him.. just.. we can't figure out a middle name. I swear this baby is coming into this world into complete and utter chaos" 

"Lennon is a pretty name. Colby came up with that?"

"Right!? I was surprised too" my chuckle getting drowned out by laughter from the girls, both of them running through the house with some sort of light up, singing Disney wands. "No running through the house!" I yelled, "Someone's going to get hurt!" 

"Girls, why don't you go play with Nova outside?" Cynthia shooed them out, both of us moving to the kitchen to keep an eye on them.

We sat at the kitchen table, watching the girls as I explained my frustrations with everything going on.

I mean honestly, was I bringing our daughter into this world with everything being a mess? I haven't even begun to think about what her nursery would look like, or gone through the few things I had kept from Gemma.

We haven't talked about baby showers, or middle names, or if we're co-sleeping, or bottle feeding...

My mind was racing and lagging all at the same time and all I wanted to do was cry.

Gemma and I ended up staying the night since Colby was back in Vegas with Sam, it did not take much to convince us since Logan and Cynthia promised to feed us and Gemma got to have story time with her Papa.

"Do you mind if I drink some wine?" Cynthia asked, a bottle in hand.

My head shook as I scrolled through my phone.

"I missed wine when I was pregnant" Cynthia sighed, plopping down in between Logan and I, a movie ready to be played whenever we were situated, my dad and the kids having gone to bed.

"I miss Deli meat" I snickered, hugging the blanket closer to my body. "I miss sandwiches and like my roll up snacks. I swear you crave the things you can't have when you're pregnant; it's so annoying. Thankfully, Colby doesn't eat them around me, so at least he's thoughtful like that" I chuckled, opening Colby and I's text messages.

Colby 💘: Are we spending Christmas in California? My parents have been asking if I'm making my way to Arizona for the holidays seen

Shit.

Um.

Every reply I tried to send, I ended up deleting, just staring at his message.

I knew we should. It was his family after all, and I've kept him away from them enough as it is.. but Arizona? With a toddler? And me being pregnant? I'm sure all the flights are taken too..

Do you want to?

Really Leighton? Out of all the possibilities you could've sent..

Colby 💘: You don't?

Aren't the Christmas flights taken?

Colby 💘: We could drive

That's what I was afraid of. 

With a toddler? Remember last time?

Colby 💘: So no? 

Motherfucker.

I groaned, feeling Logan's eyes on me as I sent a quick reply back.

Could they come here?

"What's wrong?" Logan asked.

"Colby wants to go to his family's for Christmas. Yes I know how that sounds" I grouched, "It's just.. 13 hours in the car when you're pregnant and your toddler doesn't like to sit still? It's going to be a nightmare. Let alone the traffic of everyone else traveling for the holidays. If he wanted to go, I wish he would've mentioned it sooner so we could've looked at flights for us or them"

"Some nightmare's are worth going through if it makes your husband happy" Cynthia piped up, ignoring my glare.

"Cynthia, zip it" I spoke through clenched teeth, Logan's head cocking.

"Oh? What kind of nightmares are those?" he asked, my head falling back with a groan.

Here we go.

Before I knew it, Cynthia and Logan were "arguing" - bickering more like it, but it seemed more serious. If it was Colby and I, we'd already be yelling.. or well.. I'd be yelling, but is that really an important detail?..

"I say just suck it up and go. Especially with how guilty you feel "dragging" him to Minnesota" Cynthia shrugged, placing her wine glass in the kitchen whilst Logan took Nova on a quick nightly walk.

"But 13 hours" I whined, "And then some. That's not counting pit stops for both me and the toddler" 

"But it will make Colby happy" 

"Will it? His future wife and his daughter complaining the whole time about how hungry they are, about how much they don't wanna be in the car anymore? How shitty they're feeling? Not to mention I don't really feel like playing fake happy wife who loves her partner's family when I'm trying to just get through this pregnancy. I'm truly so fucking done of everything hurting and she's even been kind to my bladder lately"

"I still say just do it. Especially since you don't see them that often"

Easier said than done. I don't see her looking like she's about to burst at the seams.

I snuggled in the blankets on their fairly comfy couch, my father having taken over the guest bedroom, opening Colby's texts back up.

Colby 💘: Not with their back pain

What about my back pain?

Colby 💘: I can look at possible flights later.

Colby 💘: Sam and I are going to start filming again

Colby 💘: Goodnight. I love you.

Uggggggh

We can go

I'm staying at Cynthia's tonight and  we're heading to bed so goodnight I love you too. Be safe with Sam please.

That morning I woke up, immediately checking my phone only for my eyes to practically pop out of my head at my notifications.

Colby 💘: Thank you 

Sam and I just got to the hotel I'm getting home around 2pm tomorrow fyi

Landon 🙄:

How long do you boil eggs for?

I keep fucking it up. 

Finn and Xavier think I can't cook 🙄

Aaliyah ✨: Hey. I'm sorry for being MIA. Can we meet up and talk?

"Mornin' Momma! We make.. make pan..pancakes!" My darling daughter announced at an ear piercing volume.

"Gemma, inside voices" I groaned, stretching as I sat up, realizing just how badly I had to pee.

"Momma?"

"Yes honey"

"Coco didn't call" she pouted, her  arms crossed over her chest.

"What?"

"Coco didn't call. Coco always calls when bye bye"

Oh.

"I'm sorry baby. Coco was busy talking to mommy about seeing his parents. We'll make sure he pays for forgetting, okay? Where's Papa?"

"Papa with Harper" 

"Why don't you go join them whilst momma pees and then we can go eat your pancakes?" I suggested, shoving myself up off the couch.

"OKAY!" She yelled, already running off.

Kids have too much energy at all times of the day.

I opened Aaliyah's texts whilst I was peeing, my heart pounding as I replied, yet again constantly typing and deleting my message.

How do I calmly reply without making it awkward? Or like I'm overexcited? 

Where would you like to meet? 

I groaned at my reply, not only hating how "nonchalant" it felt, but also knowing that I now had to wait for a reply. 

Colby called whilst we were eating breakfast, Gemma taking over the phone call as I helped Cynthia keep eggs and pancakes off the floor — much to Nova and my backs dismay. 

Why does nobody talk about how much squats suck when you're pregnant? Cynthia ended up having to help me up a few times which was almost as equally embarrassing as it was wobbling and almost falling over.

Gemma gave Colby an earful about breaking his promise, Colby profusely apologizing, bribing Gemma with an ice cream date in exchange for an acceptance of apology, happily winning her over.

Colby had barely walked through the apartment door before he and Gemma were off on their way, abandoning me with my nerves as I got ready to meet up with Aaliyah.

I slipped on some maternity jeans, a flowy top and ran a brush through my long dark hair, pretending like I wasn't sweating buckets at just the thought of what she wants to talk about.

My fingers kept tapping the steering wheel as I drove, completely off beat to the music I put on as an attempt to distract myself. 

I refused to allow myself to sit in my own nerves any longer, slamming my car door shut and swinging the coffee shop door open, the intense coffee ground smell smacking me in the face, slightly triggering my gag reflex.

Great.

With a grimace smile, I pushed my shoulders back and scanned the shop, not seeing anyone who remotely looked like Aaliyah.

I sent a quick text before ordering a pastry and finding a seat.

I guess I was going to have to sit in my nerves after all.

 I couldn't get myself to sit still if it had to save my life. My fingers kept tapping against the table, or swiping through nonsense on my phone; the pastry quickly diminishing as I just sat here waiting. 

She reached out, out of the blue, having ignored me for months... for what? To just chit chat? That is if she didn't stand me up first.

Colby texted, informing me that they had gotten back to the apartment, texting me a photo of Gemma's speech therapy games, asking which ones she was worse at, thankfully providing me a few minutes of distraction. 

Every time the bell rang above the door, my eyes glanced up, hoping, only to be let down.

Was I seriously getting stood up? Was this her idea of a joke? A final fuck you? 

With singed hope, I checked our texts one more time, hearing yet another bell ring, only to finally be greeted by a woman who vaguely looked like my once best friend.

"Hey.. you haven't changed at all." A soft, sad voice said, my brow pulling together.

Was that a compliment or an insult?

"Aaliyah?" I questioned, watching her nod, finally taking a seat across from me. "You look... different" I stumbled, trying to keep a straight face, knowing I was failing.

Her roots were dark, showing, not that that was a problem, it just was unlike her. I don't think I've ever seen her natural hair color show this much. Her blonde hair was long, appearing tousled. She's always been skinny, but she looked skinner, her baggy shirt appearing a size or two too big, rather than huge her form like it used to.

"I uh, how are you?" She asked, my face had to look bewildered as I stared back at her in shock.

"Me? How are you?! It's been what... forever?" I expressed, sitting up straighter in the chair, my hand covering my bump so it didn't hit the table, drawing her attention to it.

"You're very pregnant." She noted, "When are you due again?" 

"April. What uh.. what have you been up to?" I asked, hating the way her shoulders fell.

"Nothing much. How are you and Colby? Still going strong?" She asked, her eyes telling me she didn't care and was just trying to be polite.

She all around lacked emotional presence. I felt like I was staring at a shell of my best friend, her eyes confirming my assumptions as the once shining gleam lacked their glimmer.

"Still engaged" I showed my left hand, wiggling my fingers, "Have you found anybody new?" I asked, Aaliyah shaking her head. "Where are you living now?"

"With a few roommates" She replied numbly.

"That's nice. Are they nice?" I asked, trying to brighten the mood a little bit; failing.

"It's fine" 

"All girls?" I asked, Aaliyah nodding.

"That's nice. Where do you work then?"

She was quiet, chewing her lower lip, finally replying, "With my roomates"

"Oh. Interesting. What do you guys do? Is it like.. work pays for it or whatever? Or did you guys start a business together? Did you meet at work?" I tried to engage with her, wanting so desperately to be back in her life, but it felt like pulling teeth to get even an inch of slack from her.

"No I um.. well.. uh.. what are you doing for work?" She quickly changed the subject.

"Oh. I've been working in sales in a clothing and shoe store. Nicer pay, easier whilst pregnant, but uh, Colby and I were talking about moving, so I might put in my notice soon. Plus with the baby coming soon. A lot's been going on. Have you tried talking to River since you guys broke up? Any idea how he's doing?" I asked, fishing for anything to work with.

Her head shook.

"How's Gemma?" She switched again, a smile broadening on my face at the name of my daughter.

"She's good!" I grinned, "She's four now. Taller. Speaks more. Drives me nuts sometimes" I giggled, "She's indifferent about being a big sister. Some days she's excited, other days not so much"

"I'm sure she's forgotten about me" Aaliyah sighs, slouching back in the chair.

My head shook, "How could she forget her Lay Lay?" I tossed a sympathetic smile. "You're her godmother Aaliyah. She'll always remember you"

"Have you thought about who will be the godparent of this kid?" She questioned, surprising me. 

"Haven't discussed it too much. I thought about asking Landon, or Sam. I don't know what Colby wants" 

Aaliyah nodded, glancing around the place.

I sighed, "Why did you finally reach out, Aaliyah? I've tried for months. I hated how I treated you when we argued. I've wanted to apologize for ages, and you've just gone mute on me"

"Well.. I didn't have a phone for a while. I finally earned money to get another one" She showed me an older model IPhone. "I uh.. honestly? I wasn't in a good place to rehash everything with you. I needed to figure things out"

"And have you?" I asked, Aaliyah's head shaking.

"No, which is why I finally wanted to meet up with you. I.." she trailed off, "I just wanted to see how you are. If you're okay. How things have been. How Gemma is. How the pregnancy is going. Wanted to check in on someone who was once my best friend"

Ouch.

"Once was?" I whispered, my eyes starting to get glassy.

Was my best friend breaking up with me? Is that even a thing?

"I'm not good for you Leighton. You're thriving" that was a stretch, "and I just.. I just wanted to see it for myself. You have a future husband, children, an entire life ready for you. You know I'll always be there for you, but..." But? I felt warm tears start to fall down my face, Aaliyah looking away. "You're so much better off without me. Without me meddling. I just.. I think you've grown so much without me, and it's a good thing. It's a good thing that you've made so much progress in your own life. Just the way your face lights up when you talk about your daughter tells me that much" Her own tears fell, "I just wanted to make sure you were happy. That you were okay. You're still sober, right?" She asked, my head nodding. "See?" her voice cracked, "You're good without me, and I think it needs to stay that way"

I so desperately wanted to tell her just how wrong she was. How my life was still a mess, and how I was nowhere near ready to plan a wedding, or have a baby, but I couldn't help but focus on how it felt like she used me. She got me here with wishful thinking, knowing she had ill intentions. Who does that? Who reaches out, talks about reconnecting after months of no contact, only to practically break up with you? 

"So that's what this was?" I sniffled, wiping at my face, "You met up with me, just to tell me you didn't want to be my friend anymore?" 

"It's not that I don't want to. It's that I can't" She replied, adding salt to the wound.

"You can't? What does that even mean! I've tried so hard, Aaliyah! I know you think I'm selfish, and maybe I am, but I've tried too hard to reach out. To talk to you. To be there for you, and you just.. you can't be my friend anymore?" 

"It's not safe for you to reach out, Leigh. You have an entire life going for you. We'll always have our memories, but... I needed to tell you in person that I can't do this anymore. Okay?"

Not safe?! What does that even mean! 

"No! Not okay! What the hell, Aaliyah! You're scaring me. What's going on? What's wrong?"

"Leighton. Please" She quietly begged, my head shaking rapidly.

"No. I refuse to give up on you. You have no valid reason to not be my friend. I can respect your boundaries, but nothing about this feels right! Tell me what's going on, please" I begged.

If she wanted to cut ties, fine. If she no longer wanted to be connected to me, I could deal with that... but this... it felt like she had a gun to her head and needed to say what she needed to say to get out alive; it just didn't sit well with me.

"You're better off without me—" She tried again.

"Bullshit!" I interrupted, "All I've wanted is to be your friend. To be there for you. I don't care if that's you at your worst, or your best. If this is your worst, just tell me. Tell me how I can help. Is it your living situation? Do you need somewhere to stay? Because I have options Aaliyah. I have family more than willing to open their doors to you. I have a toddler at home who would love to see you. You can't just walk away for no reason. You've been there for me way more than I have for you, and when I finally get the chance to repay you just.. you what.. cut the goddamn cord? No." My head shook, my lips pursed as I refused whatever insane thing was going on right now. "What do you need from me? How can I help you? Clearly something is going on" I begged, hating how I was getting shoved away without a chance to fight for us. 

I could tell she had made up her mind, I just wish I knew why.

Was it really all because of that stupid fight? or was it something more?

"You can't help me, Leighton"

"That's not true—" I interrupted, only for Aaliyah to interrupt me.

"I'm happy you're happy, Leighton. Truly. If anyone deserves it, it's you" She smiled softly, her hand reaching across the table for me, her touch burning with bittersweet memories.

The tears were flowing freely, my brain trying to catch up with what was going on right now, failing miserably.

"If I need you, I'll call you. Okay? Just.. let me do this. Please" She begged, my head nodding before I could stop it.

"I love you. Okay? Whatever you need. Just tell me" I begged her to promise, Aaliyah bending to hug me, whispering back that she loved me, and that she was happy for me, before walking away; right out of my life.

What the hell just happened?

I walked through my apartment door in shambles marching past Colby who was sat on the couch, laptop resting on his thighs, shutting our bedroom door behind me, undressing.

I felt dirty. Like my crystal clear lake was now a murky pond.

The entire drive home I tried to understand what I had done. Relaying every text I sent, every conversation we've had. How it got to this point. I simply didn't understand and I don't think I ever will.

All I know is I lost my best friend. The person who's been there for me through thick and thin... and the second she needed me like I needed her, she cut the tie.

I lost her before I could even try to fight for her and I had no clue what to do.

* * * *  This chapters been "done" since January. I just wasn't happy with it and got writers block cus I didn't know how to fix it... and well.. now it's March uh..

If this book was a jenga tower, it's about to tumble 👀

Written on: December 21st 2023, January 4th, 7th, 8th, 10th, 14th, 22nd, March 6th 2024

Published: March 6th 2024

Word Count: 7210

Part Twenty Four

[britswriting]

Devotion (19)

Devotion Masterlist Read on Wattpad

T/W: Talk of parental death and abortion 

*Leighton's POV*

Moving is either an exciting, or dreadful process. I tend to lean towards the second option more often than not. I found change to be anxiety inducing and being 6 months pregnant wasn't helping my case at all.

Colby and I have looked at house after house, none of them feeling right.

Colby would tell me, "This is the one, I can feel it" but I'd disagree. Whether it was the backyard didn't have enough play space, or the master bathroom was too small (Even though it was way larger than the one we have now) there was always something that didn't feel right.

"Leighton, we've looked at seven houses, baby. None of them are going to check out everything. It's more important that we get the important stuff" Colby reminded, his hand caressing mine as we left the house, following our real-estate agent to our second house of the day.

"I just want it to be perfect" I sighed, Colby nodding.

"What did you think of the house, G?" Colby asked, his eyes flickering to the rearview mirror where Gemma was sitting in her car seat behind us.

"I wiked the swing-set" She replied, looking out the window. 

"Yeah? That looked really fun, didn't it. I promise bug, in our new house, we'll have a swing set, okay?" He told her, Gemma nodding. "Is there anything about the house you liked? Maybe your future bedroom, the play room?" He coaxed, Gemma shrugging. Colby sighed, leaning his head back against the seat.

"What did you like about the house?" I asked, curious as to why he felt so defeated.

"I think the kitchen was really nice. Had room for entertaining. The living room seemed like a good space to hang out. The room attached to it, through that archway? Could've been a nice play space. Close enough to the living room and kitchen, you know? It had a guest room for your siblings, maybe Sam, your parents" he looked over at me, "The master bedroom was nice. Not as big as the one I used to have, but it was nice none the less" He looked out his window, his jaw popping out a little before looking back through the front windshield. "I just don't understand what you want, babe. I mean, I know you want it too feel right, I just don't understand how it feels wrong? It was in a nice neighborhood. Safe. There was families around that Gemma could possibly befriend" He continued and I sighed, feeling like I once again was the problem.

"I don't know Colby. It just, I couldn't see us living there. I couldn't see my babies growing up there"

"Leighton, we make it a home. It doesn't make us a home" He commented, the sound of the soft radio hum and Gemma's murmured singing along being the only thing keeping this car from an awkward silence.

Half an hour later, we pulled up to yet another house. It looked like a Modern Farmhouse and I already knew I wouldn't like it, but I swallowed my pride and followed Gemma and Colby through the big black entry door.

"Alright, this is a five bedroom, four bathroom house" our realtor began, "It has almost everything you're looking for" he continued, "It's three point five million-" my eyes widened, "Dollars. They are willing to negotiate" he commented, Colby nodding as he followed Gemma down the hall, being greeted with floor to ceiling windows, to the left was a beautiful modern kitchen, and to the right was a cozy living room.

As we walked through the house, I couldn't help but notice everything it was missing.

A play space, a separate dining room for hosting, it was also on the smaller side for the backyard, the master bedroom was smaller than I knew Colby wanted, and the master bathroom shower was quite small.

I was surprised by how tight everything felt since it was three million fucking dollars.

Where does he think we have that in our budget? I thought we were splitting our income for this house?

"What do you think Gem? Think this could be your room?" Colby asked, Gemma wandering in, looking around at the strangers stuff, giving him a weird look that made me giggle.

My hand rested on my bump as I looked around, biting my lower lip.

I could feel Colby's eyes on me as I snooped before wandering out and down the hall towards another bedroom.

I peeked inside, unsure  if I could see us putting together a nursery in here.

Nothing felt right.

You know when you walk into a house, or even an apartment, and you think, alright, this will work. It might not be perfect, but it'll work.

This house had that. It could work. But the price compared to what you get was insane. 

We could move back to Minnesota with three million dollars and get a way better house, and land for that matter, than this place.

"What do you think, Leighton?" Colby asked, Gemma pushing past us, Colby quickly reminding her that these toys weren't hers and that she in fact, could not touch them. 

"What do you think?" I tossed back, not ready to drag him down again.

"I like the other place better" he said, my head nodding slowly.

It was nicer. Bigger. Had more of what we were looking for.

"I agree" I nodded again, Colby's head tilting.

"But you didn't like the last place?"

"I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it didn't feel right. This place, it's nice.. but it's small" I noted, my lips pursed at the fairly small closet.

"What about the area? It was a nice drive. It's gated" he commented, his eyes lingering on me as I scanned the room. 

"Yeah" I agreed, Gemma wandering over to us, whining that she was getting bored.

"Gemma, do you like this house?" Colby asked, Gemma shrugging.

She was losing interest.

When we asked her this morning if she'd like to come house hunting, quickly explaining that we'd be driving around and going into houses, she was excited, practically bouncing off the walls. Now that we were doing it? Not so much.

"This room is a bit smaller for it to be the nursery" Colby unknowingly agreed, turning on his heel to leave, stopping in the hallway to talk to the real estate agent.

"Mommy? Can we go back to Papa?" Gemma asked, rubbing at her eyes.

"Soon bug, we have one more house and then we can go to the grocery store and get stuff for dinner for Papas', okay?"

Gemma fell asleep on the ride to the third house, Colby carrying her the entire house tour, our voices fairly soft in hopes of keeping her asleep.

"I don't like this one" Colby commented first, my head nodding in agreement. "At this rate, we'll never find a house" he groaned, my hands cradling my stomach s I rocked on my feet. 

My feet were starting to swell a bit, and my back was getting sore from all the stairs we've been doing.

I wish I was in Gemma's place right now. A nap sounded great.

"I liked the yard space, the kitchen and the master bedroom" I noted, Colby humming in agreement.

"The bedrooms weren't bad. It's lacking a master bathroom though" he said, one of the main factors he wanted in our house.

"At this rate, we might as well build our own" I joked, my body freezing when I watched his eyes twinkle, "Colby-"

"What? That's not a bad idea"

"We aren't building a house in California. I doubt there is even land to do that. We'd have to buy land a house is on and tear it down. Not including the fact that I'm pregnant and the house won't be done and ready to move in by the time this baby pops out" I reminded him, really not wanting the stress of building a house right now.

Gemma stayed asleep in her car seat whilst we drove home, the 15 minutes of silence making the pit in my stomach grow larger when I cleared my throat and softly said, "I don't think I want to live here anymore", nervously looking over at Colby.

"What? What do you mean?" He asked, his voice a little rough from our prolonged silence.

"I think I don't want to live in California. I think that's what really is feeling wrong about all these places. I don't want my girls growing up here" I chewed on my lip again, feeling the soft delicate skin tear.

Colby stayed quiet, his fingers tapping against the steering wheel, causing my own fingers to spin my anxiety ring.

"Where do you want to move?" He asked softly. He didn't sound upset, or applaud by the idea, but simply tired. Defeated even.

"Well, Sam is in Nevada" I started, Colby nodding, "Your parents are in Arizona" I continued, Colby nodding again, "Which means to be close to your family, we need to stay on the west coast" I stated, Colby's brow furrowing. "But.. my family.. my family is in the Midwest" 

"What are you saying, Leighton?"

"I feel guilty" I murmured, my elbow resting on the door frame near the window, my cheek leaning against my hand as I watched traffic go by.

"About?"

"About wanting to move back home. Back to Minnesota" I clarified, "Especially since all your family is over here. I don't want to take you further away from your family, Colby"

"Leighton, babe, I've told you I don't care where we move. I just want you to be happy" He replied, my eyebrows furrowing as I turned to look at him.

"But what about your happiness? I want you to be happy, Colby" 

"I am happy, Leighton. You can't be worried about moving me away from my family" he glanced over at me, "I did that all on my own when I was a teenager. They're a phone call, or even a plane ride away. I'm okay. I know how much being near your family means to you. How you crave the close proximity"

"I just don't need another reason for your mom to hate me" I sighed, Colby's eyes rolling.

"She doesn't hate you"

"She does"

"She apologized, remember?"

"I'm still convinced she wants my head on a platter. She thinks I'm the worst thing for you, and now I'm carrying your offspring"

"Offspring? Please don't ever call our baby that ever again" he laughed, his hand moving off the wheel to my thigh, giving it a squeeze.

"Hey! be careful!" I swatted his hand away, already feeling like I had to pee. The less I could think about my vagina and how much I needed to pee the better. "If traffic doesn't get moving I'm going to piss my pants in this car" I groaned, fed up by California's traffic.

I'm learning very quickly, there is nothing worse than being pregnant, and sitting in California stop and go traffic.

We thankfully got to the grocery store in time for me to waddle off to the bathroom, Colby staying behind since Gemma was still asleep, when I realized this was the same store I got lost in five years ago.

Chuckling, I b-lined it for the bathroom, thankful I've been here quite a few times with Sam and Colby before finding a basket and grabbing a few things for dinner.

I set the grocery bags back in the car before hopping back in, buckling as Colby teased, "You didn't get lost this time" making me grin, Colby leaning over the console to kiss me.

Colby set a drowsy Gemma on the sofa as I plopped the grocery bags on the counter, Colby coming to help me with dinner.

Ever since moving back into the apartment, Colby has been a lot more hands on with me making dinner, Gemma and I helping him learn how to do things.

It was fun watching G take charge, showing him how to measure basic ingredients. (Even though I still had to help her, she acted like she didn't need my help when she instructed Colby) So watching Colby start to chop veggies and toss them into a sauce pan made my chest swell.

"Look at my master chef" I giggled, sneaking a quick kiss before slipping the diced tomatoes into his pan.

"Can't leave my girls hungry" he hummed, sneaking another kiss before stirring the veggies.

"It smells good" My dad commented, walking into the kitchen, looking tired as ever. "How did house hunting go?" he asked, Colby and I filling him in on our failed attempt of finding a house.

"Hey, speaking of moving" he cleared his throat, "I uh, I've been meaning to talk to you guys" dad said, catching my attention. "I didn't really want to say this like this" he started, worrying me, "But you're hard to track down these days"

"Dad, I'm a phone call away, remember?"

With me moving back in with Colby and trying to rebuild the foundation of my relationship, Landon and Logan have really stepped up with helping my parents, meaning I haven't seen my dad or mom for that matter as much as I used to. 

"I know, I know, I just.. I guess I just feel guilty for even bringing it up" he sighed, taking a seat on the bar stool.

"For bringing what up?" I asked, carefully carrying a cutting board of sliced meat over to Colby's pan.

"Your mothers afternoon nurse has uh, brought it to my attention about how rough mom's doing" he said, Colby's back tensing as I stilled, Colby shifting to face my father. "And uh, I made the comment on how we were struggling to afford to pay for all the extra help. You know how we stopped having the evening and night nurse? I mean, we had you around which was nice, I just, I don't want to hold you kids back from your life. I'm grateful you're willing to help, but you guys are old enough to be living your life without us holding you back" 

"Dad, you're not holding us back" I reassured him, afraid of where this conversation was going.

"With mom getting worse, and the money getting tight-"

"Dad, no" I shook my head, my fear starting to become very real.

"Leighton.. It's not fair on your mom-"

"No. Stop" my voice wobbled, remorse filling my dads facial features as he stared at me, my eyes becoming watery.

"Leighton, I think it's time we discussed letting mom go to the other side" he said softly, my heart dropping to my ass, as my tears threatened to fall.

My head violently shook, "No. I.. I'll pay. I'll figure it out. We can find the money" I began, Colby nodding, my dad jumping in before Colby could, "I already know you've offered to pay" dad told Colby, "But it's more than just money, sweetheart." he looked over at me, "It's life. She's getting worse. The cancer is spreading and causing more pain, and her organs to struggle. Baby, she can't even talk anymore. I hate this just as much as you do.. but, I hate even more watching my wife, and my children suffer. We all deserve peace. Your mom.. she shouldn't have to struggle like this every day" His own voice wobbled, my dad becoming emotional was really going to send me into a full meltdown.

"We can't lose her, dad" I began to cry, Colby turning off the stove, setting the pan aside before pulling me into a hug; my head fell into his chest as the tears began to pour at the thought of saying goodbye to my mom.

"Leighton, she's been suffering for a long time. You know that just as much as I do. We both know this isn't the woman we love. She's practically already gone, Leigh"

I just cried into Colby's chest, his chin resting on my head when I felt my dad's hand on my back.

"I hate this just as much as you do-"

"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU CRYING?!" I exploded, shoving my fiancé away, "Why are you doing this?! You sound like you've already decided! That this isn't even up for debate!" I cried, my face turning red as I glared at him, "You just what, giving me a courtesy warning? Fucking thanks dad!"

"Leighton-" he began to warn, my head shaking. 

"No! You're letting her go!" I yelled, "You're giving up!" 

"Leighton Rae, you know I would never give up on your mother, the woman I've loved for 25 years" 

"You are! You're letting her die!" I cried, dismissing the hurt that flashed across his face.

How could he do this? How does someone just decide to let their wife, mother of their children, die?

"Leighton Rae Fox, I am not letting her die. I'm letting her stop her suffering. You should just just as well as me that seeing her like that every day is heartbreaking" 

My throat closed, making it impossible for me to argue back as I choked on a sob, Colby pulling me back into his hold, letting me soak the fabric of his shirt.

The sound of my crying in the kitchen made a little voice ask "Mommy?" cracking my heart even more.

"What Gem?" Colby asked before I could pull away, wiping at my nose with the back of my hand.

"Mommy, kay?" She asked, my head nodding as I took a few deep breaths.

"I'm just sad, bug" my hoarse voice replied, my hand holding onto the counter top as I crouched down, keeping my balance.

"Why are you.. sad, momma?" She asked, her face showcasing concern as I opened my arm, welcoming her into my hold.

"Mommy's just sad at life stuff, bug. You know how you get sad when Coco goes bye bye?" I asked, Gemma nodding, "That's kinda why mommy's sad" I tried to explain, Gemma's face scrunched as she looked up at Colby.

"Coco leave gin?" She asked, air getting blown out between my lips as I shook my head, "No baby, Coco isn't leaving" 

"But.. Mommy say he weave?" 

I decided to just be honest, carefully sitting down on the tile since my legs were staring to ache, "You know how Nonna has a tube that gives her air? And food?" I asked, Gemma nodding.

"Yeah! No touch" her head shook, making me smile.

"Yeah, we don't touch it, huh" I brushed hair out of her eyes, "It helps Nonna breathe and eat so she's big and strong" my chest tightened, "Well, Nonna's been struggling lately.  She's no longer big and strong" I tried, unsure of how to explain death to my almost four year old.

"Nonna sick?" She asked, my head nodding.

"Yeah bug, Nonna's been sick for a while, remember?"

"Yeah!" She nodded, "We wait to get better" She looked up at my dad who I swear was on the verge of crying, "Nonna no better?"

"No baby, Nonna isn't better. That's why mommy is crying, bug" I smiled softly, sniffling a little as my eyes burned.

"Oh" She stated, her face full of confusion until her eyes twinkled, a look of hope making me want to protect her from everything that was about to happen, "Make Nonna card, with.. with Papa!" She grinned, looking over at my dad, "Make Nonna all.. all bedder" 

Oh my sweet girl..

"Baby, if you want to make a card for Nonna, go right ahead, bug, but uh.. Nonna's not gonna get any better" my voice cracked, Gemma's lips pursing, reminding me of myself.

"No bedder?"

"No baby"

"Why?"

"Nonna's very sick, bug"

"But.. but I get sick! I get.. get all bedder! I lay with.. with mommy! and Coco! And.. and I watch car..cartoons!" She grinned, looking up at Coco, "and has.. has snacks! Gemma all.. all bedder then! No more.. no more owies" Her face scrunched again, shaking her head. "Nonna, Nonna needs snacks, momma! And.. and.. and paw.. paw patrol!" She walked past me towards the pantry, snatching a sandwich baggie of proportioned goldfish crackers, running past me and up the stairs, my heart completely shattering as a stangled cry rippled through my throat, my head hung low as the tears continued to pour.

"Do you got her if I go-" my dad paused, his voice low before I heard him leave, feeling Colby sit down next to me, pulling me into his arms.

"I'm sorry, baby" he hummed, kissing the top of my head before the two of us sat in silence, allowing me to cry.

"I can't lose her, Colby" I cried, "I mean, I know.. know she isn't here" I struggled, "But she is.. here" I sniffled, "My daughter needs her grandmother, Colby! I.. my baby is never going to meet her" I cried, Colby tugging me into his lap, my belly in our way making him chuckle and shift us so I was slightly crooked, leaning me forward with my arms wrapped around his neck, his hand moving in a soothing motion on my back.

"Leighton, she has been suffering for a long time" Colby said softly, "And we knew this day would come eventually" he reminded me, my eyes squeezed shut.

"She isn't supposed to die" I whimpered, my breathing rapid as I tried to calm down, wishing I could reverse the clock, or even just change positions with her.

I'd take it away from her in a heartbeat.

We eventually got up off the floor, Colby handing me a water bottle before grabbing my hand and slowly leading me up the stairs.

Walking into my parents bedroom, my mom laying there, looking less and less like herself every day felt like a nightmare I couldn't awake from.

I miss watching her move effortlessly around the house, the way her caring voice gave the best advice, or the way her laugh just felt like home.

I miss the excitement she had learning she was going to be a grandmother, and all the hopes and dreams we had. 

Seeing her lay here with so many wires and tubes attached to her felt.... well, it felt horrifying.

The color in her skin was lacking, and her eyes were closed as her lips parted for the tube.

She looked like a ghost of herself.

Gemma laid next to my mom, goldfish crackers laid one by one on the comforter in my moms lap, Gemma munching on her crackers as my dad sat in the chair by the window, watching the scene play out.

"Mommy!" Gemma grinned, "I gave Nonna fishies!" She grinned, shaking her bag, my eyes widening as crackers went everywhere. "Oops"

"Gemma!" I whisper lectured, moving quickly to collect the crackers, my dad chuckling to himself as Colby came to help.

"Sowwy" She giggled, her cheeks flushed pink.

"It's alright baby, just gotta be careful, okay?" I hummed, plopping a few of the collected crackers back into the bag.

"Nonna no eat fishies?" She frowned, looking at the placed crackers on the comforter.

"I'm sure she will later, okay? She's sleeping, remember? Gotta shh" I held my finger up to my lip, Gemma copying me before climbing out of her spot, wobbling over to me, my arms quickly catching her before she tripped on the blankets. "Gemma, careful" I frowned, Gemma giggling as she wrapped her little arms around my neck.

"Nonna get bedder, mommy! No more sad" She grinned, clearly proud of herself for "nursing Nonna back to health"

"I love you, Gemma Lorraine" I spoke quietly, brushing hair out of her face yet again before kissing her cheek.

"Wuv you, mommy" She giggled again, warming up my shattered heart.

That night we all ate dinner in my parents room, Gemma complaining about the veggies in our stir-fry, Colby taking offense which landed us in a bout of giggles as Colby got her to eat the veggies, claiming he'll be upset that she doesn't like his cooking, pretending to cry until the almost four year old caved, popping a mushy carrot into her mouth, a look of disgusting making me snicker, Colby shaking his head with a little laugh.

My father practically kicked me out of the house, saying I can come back tomorrow to see my mom after I tried to hold a protest, the car ride home silent. Colby took it upon himself to get Gemma into bed as I sat in our bed, my mind spiraling.

I couldn't help but let my mind think about having to plan a funeral for my mom, truly saying goodbye to her and letting her rest easy one last time.

I hated everything about the situation.

I remember when we found out she had cancer, and the spiral that sent me in, but knowing I had to say goodbye due to it made my head feel funny.

I almost craved the idea of letting lose and giving into my old habits, but I knew that was me just wanting a release.

I was stronger today, than I was back in High School. 

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Colby asked, tugging his shirt off, tossing it into the hamper before tugging his jeans off as I replied "Shitty"

"I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Leighton" He sighed, crawling into bed in just a pair of underwear, laying on his stomach as he rested on his elbows, looking up at me. "Your belly looks huge from this angle" he laughed, my eyes rolling as he shimmied closer, pressing a kiss against my stomach. "If only you told me when we first met that you'd be lying in my bed, knocked up with my baby" he grinned, finally coming to lay next to me, snuggling close with his arm tucked under my stomach, across my hips.

"I'm pretty sure you would've kicked me out quicker" I teased, shimmying lower on the bed against the pillows.

"Do you want some happy news?" He asked quietly, catching my attention.

"We have happy news?"

"We do" he hummed, his hand sneaking up to rest against my bump.

"Lay it on me" I snickered, sighing with content as his hand slipped under my shirt, softly caressing my stomach.

"Sam texted me" he started, my eyes rolling.

"That's nothing new"

"Will you let me finish?" He laughed, my mind quickly finding the gutter, getting me to giggle to myself as Colby continued, "He's planning on proposing to Kat soon"

My jaw dropped.

"You're joking!" 

"Dead serious"

"Oh my god! When did he tell you that?"

"Well, he dragged me ring shopping-"

"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! COLBY!" I yelled, slapping his arm.

"I'm sorry! I was sworn to secrecy"

"Secrecy doesn't count with your future wife, and best friend!"

"Noted" he laughed, "Anyway, he texted me whilst we were eating dinner. He's been trying to figure out exactly how he wants to do it, but he says he's got a plan in motion now so" he shrugged, his eyes falling closed as he laid against my boobs, snuggled close.

"Nuh-uh Brock" I groaned, "You don't get to drop that on me and snuggle into my boobs and go to bed" 

I felt him grin against me, kissing the fabric against the side of my boob, my stomach fluttering at the feeling.

"Why are you wearing clothes in bed?" He grumbled, his hand cupping my right boob, giving it a squeeze which made me moan out of both pleasure and discomfort.

"Colby! They're sore, be nice" I frowned, "And because we have a toddler who likes to crawl into our bed sometimes"

"She won't know" he laughed, my eyes rolling.

"Some kids have memories when they're little. She doesn't need to see my boobs, Colby"

"Why? She's fed off them for a year" he teased, pinching my sensitive nipple, causing me to yelp and slap his hand, only for him to quickly move it, causing me to hit my own boob making me groan as he cackled.

"I hate you. You're dead to me, Brock!" 

"I thought we agreed to no clothes in bed, hm?" He tried again, thankfully knowing better than to tease me for missing his hand.

"We did not. You said that and I ignored you"

"Well, I think it's a good idea"

"You're going to regret that when my boobs start leaking milk"

"Sexy" He teased, my boob still stinging.

"Shut up and tell me how Sam plans to propose to Kat"

Colby explained what he knew, answering the questions I had until my voice became soft and drowsy, lulling into a sleep snuggled into his chest.

Sleeping in our bed still felt weird, even with him back in it, but snuggling into him has always felt right.

It felt nice to have more than just a pillow to cuddle all night low.

The next morning, Colby had plans to meet with one of his marketing team members for a brand collaboration, leaving Gemma and I to fend for ourselves all afternoon since my dad told me I wasn't allowed over until after 1pm.

Something about not wanting me hovering and wasting my precious day away, Insert eyeroll here.

I pulled into their driveway right at 1pm, Gemma hopping out of the car all by herself, racing to the door and yanking it open, quickly reminding me of how my little girl is not so little anymore.

"Papa!" Gemma yelled, kicking off her sandals and running upstairs.

How does this girl have so much energy?

Gemma hung out with my dad in his art studio whilst I laid with my mom, the evening creeping up on us when my phone buzzed.

Expecting it to be Colby, I flipped it over, clicking the home button so the lockscreen of Colby and Gemma grinning  with ice cream cones in their hands came into view.

My eyes narrowed when I saw Lexi's name.

Roo 🥱 Hey Leighton. I know it's been a while but I was....

Huffing, I typed in my password, opening my messages.

Roo 🥱 Hey Leighton. I know it's been a while but I was wondering if we could meet up? I'd really like to talk to you. Explain things. 

Roo 🥱 Brennen and I broke up. Please.. just hear me out? I'm sorry

Why was she begging me? She was the one ignoring me!

I debated on being petty, but decided that I needed to grow up and hear her out, I replied; 

Where do you want to meet up?

Sighing, I shut my phone off, not expecting her to reply quickly; only to be surprised when my phone buzzed.

Roo 🥱 I've been staying at Kirsten's. Roo 🥱 Can we meet up at Heather's coffee house around the corner?

Kirsten's? Like my cousin Kirsten? The girl who dropped off the face of the earth and has stopped coming to any family functions for years? What was she doing there?

Agreeing, I asked when, quickly making plans for tomorrow at 2:15pm, praying to god I don't get stood up.

When I walked through Heather's Coffee House at 2:04pm, the nerves set in as I worried about her blowing me off.

I sat down at the booth with a smoothie in hand, aggravated that I can't drink caffeine; scrolling through my phone as I waited.

There was a text from Colby, reminding me to tell him how it goes since he was at a shoot all day.

2:20 rolled around and I was ready to block her number and resume my petty actions, knowing I was right that her ass would stand me up and waste my time.

 Ten more minutes passed and I huffed, grabbing my drink and pushing the metal chair in, saying a quick goodbye to the teenage barista as I left the café. 

What was the point? To waste my time? See if I still cared?

Maybe she chickened out, but why? 

 I could feel anger boil in my chest as I practically stomped down the sidewalk towards my car, ready to call Colby and give him a piece of my mind about my sister when I heard my name frantically shouted, stopping me in my tracks as I turned around, my sister flagging me down.

I glared, turning on my heel as I walked back, her apologetic face looking very punchable right about now.

"I'm sorry I'm late!" She quickly said, a string of hope lingering in her eye as she glanced down at my stomach, then back at me. "You're so pregnant" She whispered probably to herself, my head nodding out of instinct.

"Mhm"

"I.. wow. It's been awhile" She stated, like she hasn't realized how much time has actually passed.

"Yep" my P popped, annoyance evident in my tone, hopefully speeding this process up.

I thought she wanted to talk?

"I uh, can we go in and sit down, please? I'm sorry for being late! I'll explain everything if you will just listen" She spoke in one breath, and I nodded, following her inside to another table in the back of the dining area.

"I got caught up with work and I had to stop back at Kirsten's and I-"

"It's fine" I interrupted, "What do you want to talk about?" I watched her fiddle, her eyes locked on her hands against the brown wooden table. "Lex?"

"I'm so sorry" she breathed out, my body collapsing against the chair. I knew this was useless.  "I never meant to be a bitch" she continued, catching my attention, "I just..... you were right" she exhaled, confusing me as I sat up straight.

"I was right?" I asked, Lexi nodding, "How was I right?"

"I should've never dated Brennen" She said softly and I nodded.

"You're right. You shouldn't have"

"I know.."

"Lexi, what happened? Why did you want to meet?"

"You're the only person I can talk to about this" She murmured, practically sitting on the edge of her seat, ready to bolt at any second.

"Lexi" I said, growing impatient.

I can't sit here all day. I have a dying mother to tend to, and a toddler to care for.

"I'm pregnant" She blurted, my eyes practically popping out of my head.

I swear the world stopped and everything moved in slow motion.

"You're what?" I questioned, my voice full of shock and disbelief.

What did she just say?

"I'm pregnant" She repeated.

So I did hear her right.

"I... what? With Brennen?" I asked, Lexi nodding slowly. "Lexi.." 

"I know!" She whimpered, covering her head with her hands, hiding from me.

"How far along are you?" I asked, struggling to wrap my head around my baby sister being impregnated. 

"I don't know"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I haven't gone to the hospital" she confessed, leaving me bewildered.

"When did you find out?" I questioned, feeling like I was living in some sort of nightmarish alternate universe where everything that could go horribly wrong, does.

"A week ago" 

A WEEK AGO?!

"And you haven't gone to the hospital? Lexi!" I scolded, her face turning pink.

"I know, but I can't!" I whined.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I don't want mom and dad to know" She said, wiping under her eye.

What?

"What do you mean?"

"I'm still on their insurance and I don't want them to know I'm knocked up" She clarified. "I don't even know if I'm keeping it" She said softly, almost inaudibly.

"Not keeping it?" I questioned, my head trying to process a million things at once; failing miserably. "And what do you mean I'm the only one you can talk to about it? What's going on?" I asked, feeling like everything was coming out of left field. "You want an abortion?" I asked, Lexi's eyes widening as she shushed me, looking around us at the mostly empty tables.

"I don't know! I just.. you thought about aborting Gemma, didn't you?" She asked quietly and I nodded slowly. "I just... you have experience with being young and pregnant and in a bad relationship" She confessed, catching my attention again.

A bad relationship?

"Lexi, what's going on? I know you texted that you and Brennen broke up... does he know?" I asked, Lexi avoided eye contact, "Lex, does he know about the baby?" I asked, her head shaking, a sigh leaving my lips. "Lexi.."

"I know! I just.. I can't tell him! We're already broken up.."

"He deserves to know" I frowned.

No matter how much I hate him, they were together for quite awhile...

"Not if I don't keep it" She stated, sitting up straighter.

"Do you really not want to keep it?" I asked, surprised by this revelation since I always expected her to be overjoyed to be a mother.

"I don't know.. I just.. I'm worried" 

"Lexi, if you're not sure, then don't go through with it. Don't do something you'll regret. You should really go to the doctor, see how far along you are, maybe even double check that your pregnancy tests were valid and talk about your options with a medical professional. It's scary, but you need to do what's safest for you, and in your best interest"

"Is it selfish of me to abort it?" She asked quietly, my ears catching a guilty undertone that screamed more than just unexpected pregnancy.

"Lexi, what's going on?" I asked softly, leaning forward to grab her hand with mine, hoping the contact soothed her the same way Colby's did with me.

"Kirsten thinks I shouldn't get an abortion-"

"Well this isn't Kirsten's baby or body Lexi"

"But.. she knows the facts and she's worried-"

"The facts?" I interrupted, my eyes narrowed. "Lexi, what's going on?"

"Kirsten wants me to file a police report" She said quietly, my hand yanking back like it had touched something scolding hot.

"A police report?! For what?! You better start talking Lexi Nicole Fox and fast" 

"Please don't be mad at me" her voice cracked.

"Lexi, tell me" 

"Brennen's been abusing and raping me for months"

* * * * 

Written on: August 15th, 27th, 28th 2023

Published on: August 28th 2023

Word Count: 6130

Part twenty

[britswriting]

Devotion (9)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

I was really starting to hate therapy. Every time I left I felt more shitty than when I walked in.

I knew Colby and I were both in the wrong, but that didn't make it sting any less to realize everything I was so desperately grasping onto was gone within one argument.

A week and a half without Colby has been a nightmare.

Gemma was becoming very moody since Colby's made no contact, his empty side of the bed and lack of clothes on the floor was a daily reminder that I had once again fucked up. I had lost him again, and it was no one's fault but my own.

"Mommy!" Gemma squealed, running into the kitchen.

"Woah! Slow down bug!" I called out, flashbacks of Gemma slipping in her socks playing in my head as she crashed into my legs. "Hi lovebug. How was your dads'?" I questioned, grunting as I picked her up to cuddle her.

"Fun! I pway with Zara" She grinned, swinging her legs back and forth when I had sat her on the counter.

"Yeah? Daddy told me Auntie Penny was gonna be there?" I asked, Gemma nodding as I grabbed my baking bowl and recipe.

"Auntie Penny say I go.. go to skwool soon!" Gemma exclaimed, messing with the baking bowl, letting it rattle against the counter.

"Mhm. Next year lovebug"

"No more rolls?" She asked with a saddened tone.

"Do you like tumbling?" I questioned, surprised by her shown emotion about leaving.

We put her into tumbling to get her around more kids her age, and to give her something fun to do twice a week; I never expected her to grow attached.

"Yeahhh! Me an.. an.. Elle pway dare!"

I smiled at the mention of her friend, dragging more of the ingredients over to the island when Aaliyah walked into the kitchen, "You look like you've got hit by a truck" I snickered, Aaliyah huffed as she sat on the barstool.

"You couldn't have picked a better baby daddy? I mean honestly Leigh. That man drives me up a wall" She groaned, my eyes glancing towards Gemma who was in her own little world.

"Why, what did he do?"

The second the elongated sigh left Aaliyah's lips I knew I was in for it.

"Your loser of an ex had the fu- annoying audacity to ask why I was getting Gemma; not you" She glared, "Like does he not understand that this sh- ish is hard?! I mean, dam- dang Leighton; how do you do this?!"

"I come home and rant to my fiancé; oh wait-" I half joked, my head cocked to the side, Aaliyah letting a snicker leave her lips as she shook her head. "Too soon?" I asked, Aaliyah nodding.

"Way too soon"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't got my ish together. I mean, look at me; I'm in the same spot I was five years ago" I passed a weak smile, Aaliyah's frown making me turn my attention to Gemma.

"Want help momma bake?" I asked, Gemma nodding as she squeezed the bag of chocolate chips. "Hey, careful bug" I giggled, slipping the hair tie off my wrist, wrapping Gemma's hair out of her face. "I love you G" I murmured, placing a smooch on her cheek, smiling at my toddler's giggle as she wiped the kiss off. Gasping, I exclaimed, "Did you just wipe off mommy's love?!" Making her quickly shake her head, giggling to herself. "I think you did! That was very mean" I fake pouted, Gemma shifting on the counter to turn around, my hands instinctively reaching out to protect her from slightly wobbling.

"No wipe kisses!"

"Did too!" I teased, pouting.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes you did! I saw you!" I giggled, peppering her face in kisses; listening to her squeal.

"Mommy!"

"Gemmmma!" I mocked, tickling her carefully, keeping an eye on how close she was to the edge, my hand wrapped around her back as she wiggled.

I let up, Gemma panting as I maneuvered around the counter.

"Lay Lay no help me!" Gemma whined, Aaliyah grinning as she reached over the counter, sliding Gemma over to her, the toddler laughing when Aaliyah copied my actions.

"No! No kisses!"

"Yes kisses! Lay Lay loves Gem soooooo much! Do you love me?"

"Wove Lay Lay!"

"You do?!" she gasped, Gemma grinning which made my heart burst into a puddle of happiness.

"YESSSSS!"

"Good; I love you too" Aaliyah spoke triumphally, my daughter and best friend giggling to themselves.

Gemma helped me make banana bread, Aaliyah filming us, showing me the video she got of Gemma smushing the banana's.

"Look at her face!" Aaliyah cackled. I swear tears were rolling down her cheeks as she replayed it, Gemma's face of disgust on loop.

Once the bread had cooled off, I cut Gemma a slice, smothering butter onto it and sliding it over to the greedy toddler, awaiting approval.

"Mommy a good baker?" I asked, becoming impatient as she took her first bite.

"I elp!" Gemma corrected, a smile on my face.

"You did. So proud of you baby. Is it good?" I asked, Gemma nodding as she chewed with her mouth open, "Gemma, mouth closed" I softly reprimanded, hating whenever people did that.

"Coco tie?" She asked, gulping down her bread.

"Uh.. maybe?" I stuttered, not wanting to lie to her, but also not wanting to give her false hope. "I don't know when he's coming back bug, and hey, if it really is that good, maybe we'll just eat it all and not give any to Coco!" I teased, Gemma giggling as she nodded.

"Give Papa?"

"We can give some to Papa" I nodded, plucking a piece of the bread off the uncut loaf.

"See Papa mommy?"

"Mhm, later baby"

"Go now!"

"We've gotta get you ready bug" I reminded, passing Gemma her glass of milk.

"Sweepover wif Papa!" She cheered and I couldn't help but let a bittersweet feeling wash over me.

She was soon to be four way too fast, and every day her speech improved, or her actions showed maturity; a piece of me cried at night.

My baby was growing up way too fast, and I couldn't stop it.

"I smell banana bread!" Aaliyah sang, walking into the kitchen. "Did the banana monkey make banana bread?" Aaliyah asked Gemma, turning the dish of uncut bread towards her.

"Yesss! With Momma!"

"Your momma can't bake! Did you watch her?" Aaliyah teased, my eyes narrowing towards my best friend.

"I elp!"

"Gemma was a big help" I agreed, Aaliyah eyeing us like she didn't believe it, taking a fork and slicing off the edge.

"There is a knife right there you animal!" I pointed, chuckling at her chaos.

"Oh no, not your precious bread! How dare we have to eat more and make it even?!" She dramatized, stuffing the fork in her mouth. "Mm" She moaned, chewing, "Not bad" she spoke with her mouth full, my eyes glancing away. "You did good Gemma"

"Gemma, what do you say?" I reminded her, my daughter was too busy stuffing her face to acknowledge the compliment.

"Frank you!" She exclaimed, crumbling slipping past her lips as her cheeks puffed out.

"Gemma! Smaller bites!" I quickly reminded her, afraid of her choking.

Once her plate was clean, she ran off to the bathroom, leaving me to clean up. I covered the bread to keep it fresh, Aaliyah placing the dishes in the sink.

"Hey, are you coming with me to my parents tonight? Gemma and I are staying over for the night" I questioned, turning on the tap to start cleaning up.

"Why are you going over there?" She questioned, taking the rag from me to wipe down the counter.

"I'm honestly tired of being in the apartment. Every room I walk into is laced with Colby, and it fucking sucks. He won't text me back and his hearing is tomorrow, so who knows if he'll even show. I just.. I'm fucking tired of walking into my room, climbing into our bed, and being alone."

"I'm sorry Leigh" Aaliyah frowned, abandoning the rag on the counter, wrapping me in a hug.

"Don't hug me too long or I'll cry" I warned, my arms wrapping around her in return, Aaliyah softly squeezing me.

"It's going to be okay. You got through it with Gemma, you'll get through it with this one" She smiled, her hand dropping down to my belly, reminding me that I was in fact pregnant, and lost everything.

"I just.." I sighed, my head falling against her shoulder, "I don't understand.. how he could leave? Leaving me, I get. It's fine, it's whatever.. but our baby? Gemma? How could he just walk out? I.. I told him about the bump.. and he left?" I sniffled.

"I don't know Leighton. I mean, he's clearly going through something. I mean, this isn't Colby. We both know that. You've both got your shit, I've got my own shit.. we're all just trying to figure it out and sometimes that means leaving for a while and coming back. You of all people should know that"

I lifted my head from her shoulder, backing up against the counter, my lips rolling in as I tried to collect my thoughts.

"I just.." My finger spun the anxiety ring absentmindedly, Aaliyah's eyes glancing down towards my hand and then back at my eyes; "I'm so fucking tired. I mean.. what does he even want? He keeps saying this isn't what he wanted, yet he won't tell me what he wants! I get he wants.. wants more.. but of what? He acts like I'm holding him back from the life he wanted, but if that was true; why'd he propose? It's not like I've changed much. I'm still here trying to figure this shit out and make sure Gemma is fully taken care of. It's not like one day I was the perfect girlfriend and the next I was some controlling freak! I uh.. I talked about it in therapy right? And kind of explaining the situation and the shit we'd said.. I just don't understand. I don't.. I don't get why. Why he wouldn't say anything until it was too late. Why'd he leave? Why'd he ignore me? Gemma? I.. I thought he loved us? I'm such a fucking idiot!" I whined, beginning to fall apart as the silence grew thicker.

"You're not an idiot Leighton"

"No I'm a fucking dumbass! I didn't fucking notice his bullshit! I mean, I noticed he was acting different.. but I.. I don't know! I thought.. I don't know what I thought! I mean, there were times he was overly affectionate, and there were times he wouldn't even look me in the eye! There were nights he couldn't stop putting his dick in me, and there were nights that he didn't come to bed until well in the early morning. It's so.. so.. so hot and cold! It just.. it became normal! I.. I never thought something was wrong. I haven't lived with him like this in so long.. I just.. maybe he was like that ya know? I'm so fucking stupid!" I ranted, my hand tugging at my hair as I began to pace in the kitchen.

"Leighton.."

I waited for her to continue, but she didn't. The frown on her face feeding me sympathy, tugging at my emotional string until I cracked, a small tear rolling down my face.

"I'm pregnant with his baby.. and he didn't want to come home" My voice cracked, my eyes blurred as I swallowed down the truth. "I don't want to lose him" I confessed, rubbing at my eye to clear my vision, "But I don't know how to get him back. He seemed so.. so over it and I can't.. I can't.. Aaliyah I can't do this again"

"Well what did he tell you? You told me you guys argued. Did you listen to him? What did he want?" She pressed, keeping distance between us as I took a deep breath.

"He doesn't want an apartment. He wants a house.. he.. he wants the Bahama's.. Sam" I listed, my voice wobbling.

I cleared my throat, swallowing the lump of boiling emotion. "I just.. He said he was fine. That he'd meet me halfway here" I motioned to the apartment, licking my lips as I looked around.

"Have you met him halfway?" She questioned, a look in her eye telling me I wasn't going to like where this was going.

"What do you mean?"

"Well clearly he gave up something he wanted for you, have you done the same?"

"He doesn't voice what he wants! I mean, he exploded finally about what he wants I guess.. but I just.. I can't do that Aaliyah!"

"Why not?"

"I need security" I stated, Aaliyah pulling her lips to the side, her tongue in her cheek as my brow furrowed. "What?"

"You don't need security" She stated like it was the most superficial information.

"What?"

"Leighton, why won't you leave the apartment?"

"What? What do you mean? This is my home" I stated, confused even more by the eyeroll.

"You're telling me that you want to live in an apartment for the rest of your life? You want Gemma to grow up on the second floor of this dingey building forever?" She asked, my lips parting with offense.

"It is not dingey!"

"Leigh, the hallway carpet is red"

"And?"

"You're not exactly living in a penthouse!"

"I can't afford a penthouse!"

"THAT! That's the problem!" She pointed at me, my face scrunching up.

"What?"

"You can't afford a penthouse! That's your fucking problem! You know who can?! COLBY!" She exclaimed, my eyes narrowing at my best friend.

"Okay, no need to rub it in!" I groused.

"Leighton! You know Colby can afford better than this hellhole!"

"Can you stop!? My apartment isn't bad!"

"It could be better. You don't even have an ensuite bathroom"

"So?"

"So! Colby's last mansion had ensuite bathrooms with like every room! Face it Leighton, he can afford a penthouse if you really wanted to stay in an apartment, but that isn't the problem! The problem is you want control!"

"I do not" I dismissed, shaking my head at her, Aaliyah scoffing, her arms crossing over her chest.

"You do too! You say you want security, but you have security! If you want financial security, you had Colby!"

"I'm not depending on a man, Aaliyah! He's fucking flaky! He leaves!"

"Oh my god" She groaned, my chest tightening as I inhaled a sharp breath, a solemn look on my face. "He left because you pushed him away! What sane person turns down the fucking Bahama's with their sexy fiancé?! I followed River to Tennessee! Your man just wanted to take you on vacation to the Bahamas!"

"Aaliyah" I spoke with a warning tone.

"What!"

"You're crossing a line"

"HOW?!! I'm telling you the fucking truth! It's not my fault you can't take it!"

"I can too fucking take it, but it's bullshit!"

"No it isn't! You're constantly on flight or fight! I understand why he fucking left!" She exclaimed, my body stumbling backwards a little.

"What does that mean?!"

"You're impossible, Leighton! You take and you take and you take! GIVE A LITTLE!" She yelled, my eyes widening at how worked up she was getting.

"Shh! Gemma's down the hall!" I hissed, knowing Gemma was supposed to be packing her bag of toys to leave.

Aaliyah rolled her eyes, glaring at me. "You're controlling Leighton. You want what you want, and you never give in"

"How am I supposed to give when everything is taken from me!" I argued back, my eyes scanning her face, trying to find any sense of warmth and love; how did we get here?

"The only things taken are the things you've left! The things you've neglected! Pushed away! You always try to look like the victim, when you're becoming the villain! You know, Gabe wasn't this horrific monster you've made him out to be when you were dating! You guys were together for years! I get shit went down and you had a rough time and maybe he wasn't the easiest on you... but Leighton, you see what you want to see! Yes, he's made shitty comments; he's done shitty things, but you can't tell me he's been a monster the entire time! You can't tell me Colby's been a dick to you the entire time! Your two serious relationships have ended in similar ways, and yet you're the victim?" She pushed, my breathing becoming heavier as I tried to focus on what she was saying; wishing to not start a fight over something stupid.

Was it stupid? It didn't feel stupid, yet it sounded ridiculous..

"How am I painting myself to be the victim? I've owned up to my shit! I fuck up all the time! I know that-"

"Owning up to your shit, is not changing your behavior!" She snapped, her eyes losing the beautiful pop of color that washed warmth and comfort over me.

What was happening?

I stared at her in disbelief, not finding a single word to throw back in her face.

I swallowed the salvia that had collected in my throat, my lips parting and closing over and over again.

I was speechless.

"And what is my behavior?" I asked softly, the skin of my eyebrows scrunching together as my head began to pound.

"Time and time again, you need something. The world doesn't revolve around you all the time!" She exclaimed, her words feeling like a sword through my chest.

"I never said it did" I stated, confused where all of this pent up emotion was coming from.

"You didn't have to say anything! You show it time and time again! I've been there for you, Logan's been there for you, Gabe's been there for you, hell Silas was there for you! Don't even get me started on Colby! That man has bent over backwards time and time again for you, even in times where you probably didn't deserve it! You have a litter of people willing to drop everything to help and protect you, and all you do in return is ask them again! You yell at Colby for going back to jail, and yet you keep going back to rehab!" Aaliyah threw out, my jaw dropping.

"THAT'S DIFFERENT!"

"HOW! HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT?!"

"I DIDN'T ALMOST KILL SOMEONE!"

"And how did you know he did?! You always think the fucking worst!"

"Because no sane person drinks and drives, let alone twice!"

"And who are you to judge on what a sane person would do?!" She snapped, my chest tightening as my blood began to boil; instant regret covering Aaliyah's face. "Leigh-"

"Get out. Get your shit and leave! I'm so fucking done" I pointed towards the door, my hand literally shaking as I tried to contain the magnitude of emotions rushing through my body.

"Once again, a villain playing the victim" She muttered, my entire body slumping into the counter out of exhaustion, Aaliyah turning on her heel to leave the kitchen.

Was I the villain?

Did I really ruin everything?

Am I the problem?

"Mommy?" A timid voice caught my attention, my head turning to the arch of the kitchen. "Done yellin'?" She asked, my entire heart shattering onto the floor as my head hung low.

Fuck.

I took a deep breath, finding whatever left over strength I had to pull myself up.

I need to be there for her. To be the adult. The safe space, and here I was yelling when she was just 20 feet away.

"Yes baby, I'm sorry" I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut, letting a few deep breaths fill my lungs before blinking away the stubborn tears; turning to face my daughter.

"You otay?" She asked, stepping on the shattered pieces.

"I'm okay lovebug. Auntie Lay Lay and I were just arguing. We're okay, okay?" I asked and she nodded slowly. "Hug?" I suggested, crouching down to her level.

She slowly walked over to me, once in arms reach I yanked her into my chest, getting her to gasp then giggle as I squeezed her.

"I love you Gemma. I'm sorry mommy was yelling" I apologized, my words muffled against her beautiful blonde hair.

"Go see Papa?" She asked and I nodded against her, lifting her up as I stood up, her legs wrapping around my waist.

"Are you all packed?" I questioned, Gemma nodding.

I placed a tender kiss on her cheek, Gemma's hands cradling my face.

"Mommy no cwy, kay?" She said, my lip quivered, but I quickly nodded.

"Okay"

"Wove you!"

"Love you so much Gemma Lorraine"

~

"You made this all by yourself?!" My dad gasped, plopping a piece of the bread onto two plates.

Gemma shook her head, "Mommy elp me!" she declared, ignoring my breathy laugh.

Gemma watched with bated breath as her Papa tried her baked goods, a grin breaking out on her face as he hummed with approval.

"Papa Ike?!" She excitedly asked, rocking on her feet as her fingers dug into the countertop.

"I love it baby girl. You're the best baker!"

"YAY!" She squealed, my dad and I grinning down at her.

"You know if you're not careful, you might have a mini Mormor on your hands" He joked, my cheeks tightening as Gemma shoveled more bread into her mouth.

"It'll be better than a mini Papa" I teased, my dad faking offense.

"Are you having more or am I putting it back?" He asked, offering me some of the bread.

"I had some earlier. I'm not the biggest fan of bananas" I reminded him, my dad tossing me a strange look as he zipped the bag back up.

"Why'd you make something you won't eat?"

"Because Gemma loves bananas"

~

I crawled into my parents bed, Gemma getting lost in my dad's art room, leaving me alone with my mother.

Her deep raspy breathing was an immediate reminder of what was going on, a breathing tube perched under her nose giving me one too many flashbacks.

"Hi momma" I cooed softly, tugging the comforter up under my boobs, getting comfy against her arm.

I listened to her gasp for air before a quick "Hi" exhaled out, followed by another gasp of her "Sun" and another "Shine"

I licked my lips, letting her voice melt on my heart, my hand carefully grabbing my moms, letting our fingers intertwine.

"I love you momma" I spoke softly, her rough breathing making it hard to feel at peace against her touch.

"Love.... You... Leigh..ton" She breathed out, a small sniffle being the only thing keeping me together.

I laid there, listened to my mom's breathing, her heartbeat being drowned out by the sudden coughing, my body instantly sitting up to help her before we'd fall back into a somewhat peaceful position.

I let my eyes close, my mind racing as I tried to soak it all in, my thumb absentmindedly rubbing against my shirt, my mom's hand lightly squeezing mine.

I could almost look past it. Sure she struggled to do things, and maybe she was bed bound.. but she was still my mom.

Then her eyes looked a little more lifeless, and her smile didn't reach the same spot on her cheeks, and her laugh wasn't as deep.

She was the shell of my mom, and every time I saw her, I swear it got worse, but listening to her gasp for air, or coughing when she gasped too quickly made my body feel like it was hit by a bus.

I was losing her... and I didn't know when.

Today? Tomorrow? Next week? No one knew how long we had left and it terrified me every day.

What if I was asleep? At work? What if I lost her, and I wasn't there?

A soft knock on the door got my attention, the tickle of a stray tear rolling down my face making me feel even worse.

I needed to stop crying.

"Hey, what do you want for dinner?" My dad asked softly, my body shifting more upright, glancing over at my mom who appeared to be sleeping.

My breath got caught in my throat as I grabbed her wrist, immediately checking her palm.

You can never be too sure..

I felt her pulse against my fingertips, my chest falling in relief as I looked back over at my dad, "Whatever Gemma wants is fine"

"Well Gem wanted candy so uh.." he chuckled, a smile tugging at my lips.

"I can come make dinner if you want"

"No, it's fine. You be with your mom. You both need it" He gave me a tender smile, a look of sadness filling his façade. "Tacos fine?"

I nodded and my dad softly shut the door, leaving me alone again.

I hated being alone.

It was probably one of my biggest weaknesses.

Being alone meant no one wanted to stick around. They didn't want you. You weren't worth their time, and I couldn't blame them.

I wouldn't want to be with the villain either.

I got Gemma tucked into bed later that night, her body pressed against mine as I softly ran my hand on her back.

"Momma?"

"Yes, bug?"

"Coco come home soon?" She asked quietly, my shoulders tensing up before collapsing.

"I hope so Gemma"

"Coco.. Coco say no.. no bye bye.. no more. 'Member?" She asked and I immediately smiled at her words, loving that she was starting to say longer sentences and pronounce words correctly, even if she stuttered.

My baby was growing up.

Then her words hit.

No more bye bye.

"Mommy?"

"Hm?"

"Coco.. go.... bye bye wif, wif Sam?" She asked, and I felt her head move off my chest, her faint breath hitting my cheek.

"No baby"

"Oh.. Where... where go?" She curiously asked, the innocent question doing more damage to my fragile heart than intended.

"I don't know baby"

"But.. Coco.. Coc say no.. no bye bye no.. no more! Coco tell.. tell.. Gem Gem.. Coco stay" She said, her frustration becoming clear, catching my attention.

"Sometimes Coco has to go bye bye Gemma"

"But no Sam" I felt her head brush against my chest, telling me she had shaken her head in disagreement.

"No Sam" I agreed, cranking my next to try and look at her, the pitch black room offering no mercy.

"Why... why go.. go bye bye.. wif no Gem..." her voice trailed off and her tiny sniffled was all I needed to quickly understand that this was affecting her more than I thought.

It never dawned on me that Colby and I fighting could affect her.

She's no longer a wiggly little baby, but a talkative toddler.

I moved to lay on my back, pulling Gemma onto my chest, my lips placing a kiss against wherever I could reach first.

"I'm sorry baby. Coco.." breathe. "Coco and mommy.. well.." How do you explain this to a toddler? "Coco's mad at mommy"

"Why?"

"Mommy and Coco.. are struggling to share" I settled on, my brain quickly shuffling through its files of how to possibly make this comprehendible to a toddler.

"No nice!" Her head shook, a pained breathy laugh making my chest shake.

"It's not nice" I agreed.

"Wogan say.. say.. we sh.... sh..sh-air! Air an.. an.. pway nice wif.. wif.. ahvers! No ake.. no ake sad. No.. no timeout!"

"Logan's right. We share and play so nice with everyone. No one wants to be sad, right Gemma?" I asked, Gemma nodding, shifting against my chest before nuzzling into my neck.

"Momma...? Momma.. sad?"

"I'm okay baby"

"Cweye doe?"

"Sometimes"

"Why?"

Why. A single word that held mountains worth of weight.

Why did I cry?

Sadness? Frustration? Anger? Love?

"Mommy cries.. because... sometimes mommy has bad days"

"Papa say" She started then giggled which caught my attention, "Papa say.. say.. when gwumpy.." she giggles again, "ake.. ake... ake nap!" She snickers, my heart filling with happiness at her little noises, "Akes no gwumy no ore!" She giggles.

"Yeah? Does naptime fix Gemma's mood?" I playfully asked, the side of my head against the top of hers.

I felt her shrug against me, tugging at the blanket that had fallen.

"Papa say so! I dunno!"

"Well whatever Papa says must be right, huh?" I joked, knowing damn well this girl wakes up either as a run of sunshine, a mini monster.

"Yesss! Papa say he's always wight!"

"Alright lovebug. We need to start calming down and go night night so we're not grumpy for Nonna and Papa tomorrow, okay?" I spoke softly, yet with some authority, sensing that Gemma was going to get a burst of energy if we didn't slow her roll.

That morning Gemma and I got up as the ass-crack of dawn, Gemma full of wiggles as she jumped on me, ignoring my groans of protest until my heart dropped.

"Gemma! No!" I quickly yelled, Gemma freezing as I shoved her off of me, her body bouncing against the mattress, my hands tugging my shirt up and running over my belly, fear cursing through my veins, not sure what I was looking for, but afraid to find anything out of the ordinary.

Silence filled the room, my eyes looking over towards my daughter who I shoved aside, tugging my shirt back down.

Her eyes were full of tears before she began to scurry off the bed, her hand reaching above her head to open the door; struggling until it swung open and she raced up the basement steps.

Godamnit!

I flopped back against my bed, my hands covering my face as I laid there in defeat before crawling out of the bed to the dresser, taking my prenatals.

I trudged up the steps, my dad and Gemma coming into view as she snuggled into his chest, her face wet with tears.

Deciding to leave them alone, I poured a bowl of cereal for Gemma and I, grabbing her special spoon that Landon had gotten her a year back, setting her bowl on the table.

"Gemma, breakfast!" I called out, hovering over the counter to spoon cereal into my mouth.

Halfway through my bowl, Gemma still hadn't shown.

Rolling my eyes I walked back to the living room, Gemma watching cartoons.

"Gemma, breakfast" I stated, leaning against the wall. "Gemma. Breakfast. Come on, it's going to get soggy" I tried again, still being ignored. "Gemma Lorraine Fox" my voice raised, Gemma's head turning to look at me, her face all scrunched up. "Go eat your breakfast!" I pointed to the kitchen.

"No ungry!"

I huffed, rolling my eyes and going back into the kitchen, pouring some of her cereal into my bowl, setting the half full bowl of cereal into the sink.

The rest of the morning she ignored me, not caring if I asked nicely or warned her with a time out for not listening, Gemma crying the entire time she sat in the corner, yelling at me as I past her, only adding to her punishment, which ended in even more tears.

"You're being quite harsh on my granddaughter ya know" Dad commented, walking over to the art desk where I had been sketching, missing the feeling of a charcoal pencil between my fingers.

"Yeah? Well your granddaughters being a brat" I grumbled, earning a look of disapproval.

"What's going on Leighton?"

"Nothing"

"Leighton"

"What?"

"You know, before you got caught up in doing things you shouldn't, you liked hanging out with your dear old dad. Painting with me, learning how to fix things.. you definitely liked borrowing the twenties from my wallet that never got replenished" He teased, a small smile cracking on my lips, my eyes trained on the beautiful sketching paper in front of me. "Come on Leigh. What's going on? Your smile that matches your mothers isn't smiling as bright anymore. I'm already losing one of my girls, don't let me lose another. Talk to me sweetheart"

My face fell as my eyes closed, my lips rolling in as I inhaled, my eyes opening as I turned to look at him. "Colby left" I confessed quietly, turning back to my paper, the pad of my finger smudging out one of my darker lines.

"Left?" He asked and I nodded, my dad sighing, grabbing his stool and pulling it up next to me, fishing out another sketch pad and some colored pencils.

"That daughter of yours got me into these" He noted, letting the colorful pencils spill onto the desk. "She told me I made too much old stuff" he chuckled, my lips tugging at my daughter's view on black and white. "You know.. when you were a little girl" He began, my eyes catching his hand moving effortlessly against the paper, never making a wrong move, "You used to tell me how much you couldn't wait to have a family. Be married, have kids.. then you grew up" He stated, never looking over at me as he grabbed another pencil. "You always looked forward to the future. To be older than you were. I remember when things started to change, and I thought that that was you growing up. That this is what the books and movies were talking about. Daddy's little girl growing up. I never.. I never thought my little girl would turn to such dark corners. Use such substances.. go down that dark path; especially when her life was full of color" He continued, my eyes stinging at his words. "And then you grew up. You weren't my baby, you weren't my troubled teen.. you were a 22 year old woman who birthed a beautiful baby girl, met incredible friends and slowly figured out her life. You found color honey, and I think... I think we all struggle to see color. It's easier to focus on the dark line work, then the stunning pastels. I used to get frustrated when someone would comment on how neat my linework was, instead of the color palette I had chosen. I'd spend hours figuring out the color scheme; afraid of messing up my work... only for them to comment on the linework, or shadowing. It took me years to understand that those dark or harsh lines are what made the work. Not the pastels I threw down to appease the eye. I raised you to be pastels Leighton.. but you grew up finding your linework and shadows, and that's what makes you beautiful honey. Colby leaving you isn't ideal.. I guess.. but.. sometimes one extra detail in your linework is what pulls the entire thing together"

Silence fell between us, my body leaning over to wrap my arms around his neck, my dad freezing his movement.

"I love you" my voice muffled against the sleeve of his shirt, my dad turning to pull me into a full hug.

"I love you too sweetheart. It's going to be okay" he reassured and that's when I broke down, my body shaking against his as I cried, my dad's arms hugging me closer as he tried to calm me down.

"I'm back where I was five years ago" I cried, my nails began to dig into my arm as I tried to relieve the antsy pressure in my shaking arms.

"You're nowhere near where you were five years ago, Leighton. You've grown so much" Dad reassured me, pulling away to see my face, my arms loosening around him.

"I'm not though!" I whined, wiping more tears off my dumb face.

I was so fucking tired of crying!

How fucking pathetic do you have to be to cry over every single little thing?!

"Dad... I don't.. I don't know what to do! I'm back in the same shitty place I was five years ago! Pregnant, scared and alone except now I have a toddler!" I began to spit out through my whines and cries, not letting my dad get a word in edgewise.

"Wait- hold on" He interrupted, but I kept going.

"And where am I supposed to live?! Colby pays rent! I can't just live in the apartment anymore!-"

My dad raised his voice, "Leighton Rae Fox!" making my words halt, "You're pregnant?" He asked, his voice full of authority.

I could feel myself shrivel, feeling like a child under a parental gaze, having been caught in a lie.

I nodded slowly, backing away a little, unsure of what was to happen next.

Would he be mad? Disappointed? Kick me out? Disown me? Was I homeless again?

I froze when his hand reached out for me, flight or fight kicking in, horrific memories of being kicked out coming to the forefront of my head, until he carefully pulled me into his chest.

"You're having another one of my grandbabies?" He asked, his voice sounding emotional as he hugged me.

I nodded, unsure what to say, not wanting to make it worse, or accidently ruin his current flow of emotion.

Why was he hugging me?

Did he hear me? I'm back to where I was when I was 21.

Colby left me.

I was pregnant. Again.

I have a toddler.

"Dad?" My voice shook, my entire body feeling frozen, ready for anything that might come my way.

"I can't believe you're having another one of my grandbabies! I'm going to have three grandbabies! When are you due?!" he asked, his voice in disbelief as he pulled away, his eyes trained on my stomach, insecurity crawling up the back of my spine, resisting the urge to turn, or cover my stomach.

"I'm due towards the end of May. Got 'bout five months" I informed him, my dad nodding.

"Do you have a bump? You were quite small with Gemma, weren't you?" He asked, intrigued as he looked back at my eyes.

"I uh.. I mean.. yeah? I um.. well.. I.." I sighed, lifting my shirt to show him. "I uh.. am.. pudgy? Sorry..."

"You do have a little bump!" he cooed, "Can I touch? Your mom used to get so mad when I would caress her stomach, but how could I not?! You kids were kickers and I always missed it!"

"Mom would get mad?" I questioned, before realizing I didn't answer him, "Yeah you can touch"

His hand came out to caress my stomach, his eyes twinkling as his face filled with awe. "Yeah.. your mom was always tender with you guys. She didn't mind my hand on her stomach like this.. but like hugs? No go. I guess you guys wouldn't leave her ribs alone, so her sides were always sore or something? — Wow Leighton. I can't believe you're pregnant"

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad sweetheart?"

"Because... Colby left? I'm alone.. again? I'm not married.." I began to list, my dad letting out a sigh of dread, standing upright again, letting my shirt fall back down to cover my stomach.

"Is it ideal? No.. but honey, you've done it before, and you're not alone. You have family here who will help. I don't know what's going on inside that man's head leaving you alone like this.. and to be quite frank, I don't want to know. All I know is my beautiful daughter is giving me even more beautiful grandbabies to love on. You're still clean right?" he asked, my jaw dropping.

"Dad! What?! Yes I'm clean!"

"Just checking" He hummed, ignoring my offended stare, "Does he plan to be in the baby's life?"

"What?"

"Does Colby plan to stick around?"

"Well.. I don't know. I don't even know if we're broken up. We've just uh.. had issues and he left" I explained, feeling awkward about dishing out my relationship problems to my dad.

"Talk to him, Leighton. Figure this stuff out. I'll always be here if you need me, but you're a big girl now. You can do it"

~

"Are you going to talk to mommy now?" I asked, Gemma walking into my parents bedroom where I had been hiding for the past two hours.

"Hungry" She stated, my eyebrow cocking.

"Get a snack"

"Elp peas"

"Go ask Papa"

"Papa say ask momma"

I groaned, pushing myself out of bed and leading her back downstairs, grabbing her a plastic bowl, pouring some goldfish in and going to send her on her way, confused when she continued to stand in front of me, munching on her goldfish.

"Can I help you? I thought you were watching cartoons before Harper got here?"

"Coco say hi to Gem Gem?" She asked, full of innocence.

"I'll look and let you know, okay?" I lied, "Go finish your cartoons before Harper gets here" I ushered her away, Gemma staying in place.

"I see?" She asked, her tone sickly sweet.

"See what?"

"Coco say hi" Gemma stated, acting like it was the most obvious answer.

"Baby.." I frowned, not wanting to let her down, but also not wanting her perfect idea of Colby to crumble.

"Talk Coco!" She whined, becoming impatient.

"Gemma, later-" I tried, already knowing she wouldn't have it.

We've fought one too many times during bedtime whilst Colby's been on work trips for me to act like my daughter would just let this go.

"No! Talk Coco momma! Say hi!"

Groaning, I pulled out my phone and found his contact, passing it to her, feeling guilty that I knew he wouldn't answer.

I listened to it ring, Gemma still eating her snack as we waited, the voicemail operator being heard before the beep.

"Why Coco no say hi Gem Gem?" She asked, turning to look ip at me, "I be bad?"

My eyes widened as I quickly hit end on the voicemail.

"You weren't bad Gemma" I quickly reassured, hating that I had no idea where he was to even begin to fulfill her request.

"Why no say hi momma?"

"I don't know Gemma"

"Coco wove me, Coco say hi" She spoke in an assured tone, reaching for my phone again. "Hi gin?" She asked and I mentally sighed, wanting to protect her little heart, even if that meant she was mad at me.

"No Gemma"

"Say hi Coco!" She tried again, ignoring me as she made grabby hands towards my phone, bouncing on her toes.

"Gemma, no" I tried again, my voice more stern, Gemma reading right through its wobble of uncertainty.

"MOMMY!" She whined,"call Coco!"

"No Gemma. Colby's busy"

"No busy for Gem" She shook her head, my eyes rolling.

"Gemma, he left. He doesn't want to say hi to us" I snapped, my frustration taking over from her relentless behavior.

Her face scrunched with anger, "Coco say hi momma!"

"Gemma-"

"No! Mean Momma!"

Inhale. Exhale.

"Gemma. Please"

"Coco say hi Gem Gem when goes bye bye mommy!" She spoke with determination.

Times like this made me hate that she was growing up.

She understood enough to know the routine, but not enough to understand change, and it was starting to kill me.

How could he leave us? Leave my baby girl with no way to communicate when he knows she talks to him at least once a day!

How bad had things been fucked up for him to just turn his back on us? On her?

I felt defeated, running out of any way to deter her without shattering her view of him, "I know Gemma"

"Say hi, mommy!"

"Gemma, we can't" I continued, my toddlers eyes filling with tears.

"Whyy!" She whined, stamping her feet in front of me.

"He's busy, lovebug. We'll try later, okay?" I reassured her, Gemma frowning as she sniffled.

We will call, and call and call if that means I can keep Gemma hopeful.

If Colby wanted to ruin his relationship with my daughter, that was his call to make. I refuse to let my actions change her view of him.

Why should I be the villain in her story too, when he's the one who left?

Later that evening we tried again, and again, and again, no reply.

I could see Gemma was extremely disappointed but I quickly got her attention, asking her if she wanted some cookies and to play outside with Harper.

Cynthia and I sat on the back patio watching our girls play as I mindlessly scrolled through Colby and I's texts.

I felt pathetic.

"Isn't your thumb tired?" Cynthia remarked, her eyes locked on me as I continued the motion, stopping when I got to texts that were happy and full of love.

I clicked the three dots, wanting to know the last time it was like this, instantly wishing I hadn't.

"Leighton?" Cynthia called, waving her hand in front of my face.

"Hm?"

"What's wrong?"

"I— Can I ask you something?"

"Of course" she nodded, my lips twitching to the side before rolling inwards, switching off my phone.

"If I'm crossing a line, just say so and I'll immediately apologize, but.. have you and Logan.. ever.." I chewed on my lower lip, clicking my phone back on, Colby and Gemma cuddling in our bed staring back at me.

"Ever…?"

"Have you guys ever.." I tried again, the words getting caught in my throat.

"Ever what? Spit it out Leighton"

"Did you ever feel like it wasn't him? That you'd made a mistake?" I spat out, carefully looking at her, ready to apologize for asking such a personal question.

"What do you mean? What's going on Leighton?"

"Have you ever felt like Logan wasn't who you were supposed to marry?" I tried again, Cynthia appearing confused.

"What, like fighting or?"

"No.."

"Leighton what's going on?"

I sighed, setting my phone on the glass table in front of me, leaning on my elbow as I faced her.

"Colby left me.. and I.. I can't help but wonder if it's for the better" I confessed, relying on the fact that she's never judged me before.

"He left? Like.. packed his shit and didn't look back?" She asked and I nodded slowly, Cynthia's face falling.

"Oh Leighton.."

"He.." I started, letting out a breath of air I didn't even know I was holding. "He packed a suitcase. We argued, he packed, we yelled, he left. I just.. I can't get his last words out of my fucking head! And Aaliyah.. Aaliyah basically told me it was my fault, which is what Colby basically said and I just…. Have you ever thought that maybe it wasn't worth the fight? That maybe when he storms down the hall… that it's better to walk in different directions?" I asked, ready to cling onto every word she'd say next.

"Leighton, walking down the hall… and walking out the door are two very different things" She said, my entire world crashing at my feet. "Logan's never left, if that's your question. Yes we've separated to cool off but the only time he's packed his shit and walked out the door was for bootcamp"

"Would you follow him, if he had?" I asked the question bouncing around in my head for hours.

Should I have followed him? Begged him not to go?

"I would. I love him" She stated, not missing a beat, completely unaware that her response would only scatter the pieces of my previously shattered heart.

Do you chase the person you love, or do you let them go and set them free?

How much chasing is too much?

How much fighting is too much?

Silence really could be deadly..

"Leighton?"

"What?" I snapped, my sinuses burning.

"Do you love him?"

"Who? Colby?"

"Yes you dumbass" she laughed, ignoring whatever façade my face decided to show.

I pursed my lips, looking out towards Gemma and Harper who were playing in a sandpit my dad had gotten them, turning back towards Cynthia I softly replied, "I thought I did"

I looked back down at my hands, distracting myself from Cynthia’s sympathetic gaze, a few moments of silence passing by until I turned my head to look back at her, Cynthia watching the kids.

“Is it selfish to want him back, when he’s been unhappy?” I softly asked, my entire body feeling like someone placed a weighted blanket on my chest.

“Not if you loved him” She hummed, allowing herself to look back at me.

“And if he doesn’t love me?”

“Leighton, do you truly believe that boy doesn’t love you?”

I slowly shook my head, looking away.

I refuse to cry.

He didn’t deserve my tears anymore. I needed to grow up and get over myself before I ruined everything in reach.

“I don’t even know where to begin to get him back. I feel like I’ve been left to drown” I confessed,huffing as I leaned back against the patio chair, the evening sun blinding me. “I’ve never been good at showing how I feel.. And I think he’s.. He’s just tired of hearing it”

“What do you want, Leighton?”

Without missing a beat I replied, “For him to be happy” hearing Cynthia huff out of annoyance.

“I asked what do you want. Not what you want for him”

“I don’t know. I guess.. I just..” I paused, taking a deep breath.

What did I want?

Maybe I deserve to be left to drown.

I have nothing to work for, to achieve, to dream of..

“Leighton, would you be okay if you lost him? If he dated other people?” She asked, switching her position in the chair to lean closer to me.

“If it makes him happy.. I’d be okay” I said softly, the sounds of our little girls squealing as they played with Nova getting my attention.

I watched Gemma’s grin as Nova licked her, her little hand petting the dog.

I knew Gemma would love to have a dog, and that it wasn’t just some toddler dream of hers; I wish I could afford it.

Money has become an issue again, and I hated that.

I tried to work so hard to at least have a little cushion in our life, but yet again, here I was praying that I had enough to cover the bills.

I knew if things kept going the way they were, I’d need to pick up a second job and simply say goodbye to Colby, and pray to god Gemma didn’t notice my absence, but then again.. Maybe it would benefit her in the long run.

I felt a hand touch my leg, my body jumping as my eyes darted to Cynthia, “Leighton? Were you listening?”

“No, sorry. What?”

“What’s got you so lost in your thoughts?” She asked and I chuckled, shaking my head out of disbelief.

Did she miss the part where my fiance left?

“Just life being as shitty as always. Thanks for the uh.. chat, Cynthia. I need to start heading back home” I stated, getting up, ready to call Gemma when Cynthia’s hand caught my wrist.

“Leighton, there is no rulebook for love and happiness. If you think he’s the one, fight for him. Show him. Don’t live with the regret of what could have happened. Sometimes people need a little extra love” She winked at me and I nodded slowly, passing her a soft smile.

“Thanks, I love you” I murmured, leaning down to hug her.

“I love you too. Now go win lover boy back. The entire family is hooked and simply, I don’t feel like meeting a new boyfriend of yours. No one will compare” She grinned, unknowingly planting an annoying seed in my little head, forming a pit at the bottom of my stomach.

No one will compare.

I needed to get him back, but how?

I don’t know how to be romantic, or do the perfect big gesture. I don’t know how to be the perfect girlfriend, or give him the painted picture in his head.

I knew I didn’t deserve him, and that someone else out there could do everything he wanted and then some, but selfishly I wanted him for myself.

I got to him first. I’m having his baby, the least I can do is give him a house…

But how?

I don’t even know where he is right now, so how am I to be expected to fix something when I can’t even find him?

The drive back to the apartment was dreadful, Gemma slumped over my shoulder as she slept, my hand struggling to twist the key and shove the door open.

I inhaled the second the door opened, his smell overwhelming my senses.

Kicking off my shoes, I carefully carried Gemma to her room, panting as I struggled to pull back the covers without waking her.

I stared at her peaceful sleeping body all cozied up in her blankets.

How could he leave her?

I turned on her nightlight, leaving the bedroom door open as I left.

I sat down on the couch, debating if I wanted to burn a candle or not; do I want to rid his smell of our home?

I tugged out my phone, clicking on messages.

Maybe Sam knows where Colby is?

I started typing out a quick message before groaning and deleting it.

Why am I messaging Sam? Why am I bothering to bug someone who hasn’t messaged me?

I stared at his contact, my finger hovering over it a few times.

Why hasn’t he checked in on me?

Maybe that was selfish..

Sighing, I left my messages and went to Google, unknowingly typing in Instagram.

Was I really about to stalk his friends and find out?

Was I stooping that low?

How else was I going to find out?

I typed in Sam, cursing to him as his Instagram Story was empty, going to Katrina next.

Also empty, yet a recent post caught my eye.

Las Vegas, Nevada

katrinastuartoffical: Back to being one of the boys 🤪

1 day ago

Vegas.

Of course.

I closed out of the web browser, my body slumping back against the couch.

How was I supposed to win him back, if he's in Vegas and I'm broke?

My eyes closed, exhaustion starting to take its toll on my body.

How do you make someone happy in a place they didn't want to come home to?

* * * * 

Next chapter is a doozy send help

Written on: March 14th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th 2023

Published on: March 19th 2023

Word Count: 8660

Part Ten

[britswriting]

Devotion (8)

Song: Half hearted - We Three 

Warning: This chapter gets dark. TW: Mental health, talk of depression, suicidal thoughts, drinking and driving

Series Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Colby's POV*

I stared at the pink and purple sunset, my ass hurting from how long I had been sitting on the rough rocky terrain.

I knew I needed to go home. The woman I loved was waiting for me there, but I couldn't bring myself to get up.

My phone kept ringing and ringing until I eventually switched it off, the noise disrupting the numb feeling inside my head.

When it began to get dark, I made my way back to the car, my fingers turning the key to start the ignition, my hands on the wheel, ready to leave; yet I had gone nowhere.

I knew what was waiting for me at home.

A warm bed and shower, warm dinner, Gemma's cuddles; but I also knew Leighton's ridiculing would be there as well.

Not answering her calls, not texting her back, not coming home right away.

A ticking time bomb was ready to explode the second I opened that front door, and before I knew it, I turned off the ignition.

My head fell back against the headrest, my eyes falling shut as I took a deep breath, my fingers tapping against the steering wheel.

I needed to go home.

I turned the ignition back on, putting my car into drive, allowing myself to get further and further from my sacred heaven, the sunset turning pitch black, the bright moon being my own source of light as I followed the sketchy back roads back to the main LA roads, the only sound being the vibration of my tires on the pavement as I got lost in my endless thoughts.

Would she be mad? Would she yell, cry, slam the door? Did she even want me to come home?

I knew the look in her eye as I followed Sam down to the elevator.

She didn't understand me, but who could when I didn't understand myself either?

You wake up every single day, take a pill, and you're told you'll be okay. That it will all be okay, when I've been okay.

I was okay the first 20 years of my life, and now all of a sudden I need to take a pill every single day for the rest of my life? It felt wrong. Torturous even.

The first day of missing the pill, I had completely spaced it.

I woke up that morning rushing to get breakfast done and Gemma into the car to her tumbling class, running late as we picked up Noel; coming home and heading out the door with Sam to a business meeting that by the time I had remembered I had skipped, it was dinner time and Leighton was ranting to me about how she took her prenatal and threw it all up at work.

I felt guilty.

Like I had wronged her. Let her down. Let myself down... until I felt fine.

Nothing had changed. I still felt the same, but I knew there was the risk. The warning they give you of missing a dose. You always feel fine, until the side effects kick in and your body begins to detox the chemical changing drug, making you feel like shit.

So that next morning, I woke up, I stared at the bottle, ready to take my med when Sam walked into my room, my hands quickly fumbling to hide what I was doing, getting swept away in yet another distraction.

Day by day it flew by, until the fourth day when I realized I had gone four days without, and I felt okay.

I wasn't vomiting, no headaches, nothing.

The side effects were a lie, so what was the point? I felt fine, my body felt fine and I was having one of the best days with my best friend.

Everything was turning around; until I came home.

Every time I walked through that door, the high came crashing down.

Home.

I was home, but it felt anything like home.

Every evening I was met with Leighton's exhausted, stressed out face as she began telling me about the shit that had gone wrong that day, the icing on the top recently being how nauseous she's been this pregnancy; and how she's convinced the aches are already starting.

It was our new routine.

I'd come home, She'd come home with Gemma, make dinner and get lost in household chores and getting Gemma to bed at a reasonable time and by the time she can even look my way and actually acknowledge me, her head was hitting the pillow.

Again, and again, and again.

It was a vicious cycle of never ending dread.

The red stop light shined bright on my face, the pit growing in my stomach as I continued the same route home.

When it turned green, I could feel myself falling into the same pattern yet again, my hands gripping the steering wheel as I passed familiar landmarks, until I turned my blinker on and allowed myself to go down a new path.

The breath of fresh air knocked me in my lungs as different houses and landscaping passed by, bright house lights lighting up the street.

I needed to go home.

I needed to see my fiancé, and our daughter. I needed to hold them in my arms and tell them just how much I love them.

Every muscle in my body wanted to turn right. To be back on that road; and yet I took another left.

I found myself driving down another familiar road, a road I missed all too well.

The tan house with crown molding; a metal gate locking unwanted people out passed on my left, memories flooding my head as I slowed down the car.

"Colby, come on! She's going to be here any minute!" I heard Sam yell from downstairs, as I saved the video I was editing, slipping on some jeans as I made my way to the foyer, the floors sparkling from the sunlight shining in.

I watched Sam glance over my outfit as he waited, and I couldn't help but cock an eyebrow at him. "Sam approved?" I asked.

"I'm honestly just glad you found pants"

That front door had me in a chokehold of memories.

The first day I walked through it all until the last.

I could almost feel the anxiety cursing through my veins from the day I moved in with Sam, as I sat here in my car.

The anticipation of living somewhere new, with new people.

I was terrified, but we were doing it together, so I knew I'd be okay.

My eyes closed, remembering the sound of the doorbell going off like it was yesterday.

"What are you waiting for? Answer it" I chuckled.

"I'm waiting a minute, acting like I had to get up to answer it, I don't want to look desperate"

Chuckling, I opened my eyes and glanced back at that door.

What was going through her head?

I knew she had to have been nervous; but was she as anxious as I was?

I remember how timid, and shy she appeared when we opened the door, the way she followed Sam around the house like a lost puppy.

It was a façade, and I knew it from the second she decided to go back inside instead of hanging out at the pool, almost like she wanted to make my life harder.

"If you do smoke, we prefer you to do it outside. We don't care about drinking" Sam winked, glancing over at me.

"I don't do either of those things, so you don't have to worry about that. Do you guys smoke and drink?"

Her delicate words burned in my brain.

I don't do either of those things.

I remember how odd I found her asking if we smoked and drank.

Hell, we were in our early twenties in LA, who didn't?

I never crossed my mind that she could've been a recovering addict, and that asking if we did those things could've affected her recovery.

I felt so stupid. Like I missed everything.

I was stuck in such a state of I Don't Give a Fuck, that I didn't even bother to try and get to know her. To see if she was truly a good fit for our household.

I shook my head, putting the car back into drive to not raise suspicion of the possible new owners, yet the thoughts followed.

I found myself passing the familiar bowling alley we've spent one too many nights at; my foot only hitting the gas harder.

I couldn't do this right now.

My eyes followed the streets, wishing I could go to someone, talk to someone, but no one felt right.

The only person I wanted to talk to was landing in Vegas without me, and even Sam couldn't help me.

I knew what he'd say.

He loves Leighton too much to understand.

I pulled into the liquor store, buying a bottle of Whiskey.

I stared at the bottle in my hands after closing the car door, it's been a while.

My feet dragged through the sand as I listened to the soft crash of small beach waves.

Five years ago my feet dragged through this same sand, nerves causing my heart to race, questioning if I was overstepping.

"So I uh.. I didn't exactly have a lot of time to prepare.. but I uh.. had this made" I nervously handed her the cupcake, praying to god the baker knew what the Sobriety symbol was and that I wasn't about to make a fool out of myself.

"Oh my god" She whispered. "Colby... you didn't have to do this"

I watched her eyes fill with tears as they wandered over the cupcake, a breath of relief filling my lungs.

"You deserve to be celebrated, Leighton. Even if it's something small... it's still a big accomplishment"

I stared at the bottle of whiskey, guilt cursing through my brains.

I can't drink this where we celebrated her first year sober.

"It was short notice... but I was able to get this made... I hope you like it" I anxiously informed, fishing the jewelry box out of my pocket.

"You're not proposing right?" She joked, easing my nerves as I shook my hand, placing the box against her open palm.

A small dainty necklace laid upon her, the sobriety symbol covered in beautiful small diamonds pulling that beautiful twinkle back in her eye, right where it belongs.

"Turn it over" I nervously said, hoping she liked the tiny touch of detail I added to the back.

Progression, not perfection.

I let out a shaky breath as those words echoed in my head.

I remember having them engraved, hoping they'd be a good reminder to her, not realizing how much they'd affect us even today.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked, watching her jump as she turned around, her face filling with confusion.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, her eyes glancing around the other NA attendees.

"Aaliyah told me you'd be here. She wanted to come, but she got held up at work, and River needed her after.. so here I am"

The twinkle in her eye when I mentioned filling in for her best friend was that same twinkle I see anytime she's truly touched; happy.

It's the twinkle in her eye that makes my heart beat for her; that twinkle that reminds me how special life truly is.

Where was it now?

My back fell onto the grains of sand, feeling it move under my body weight as I stared at the moon.

How did I go from hating a girl, to wanting to protect her, to loving her, to not wanting to go home so quickly?

Tiredness quickly took over my body as my thoughts ran ramped in my head, the bright morning sun wakening me, followed by the god awful sound of seagulls

Switching on my phone, I saw the red bar and filled voicemail, my back aching as I pushed myself up off the beach, grabbing my bottle of whiskey and making it back to my car.

I could already feel the dread coming back at the thought of listening to the countless voicemails, let alone unread texts.

I was fucked.

I found myself trudging back up the same trail, whiskey bottle in hand.

I sat back down against the rough terrain, twisting open the alcohol and taking a swig, thankful that no one ever really seemed to come up this trail.

With every swig of alcohol different memories flashed into my head, our first kiss, Gemma's first cry, learning about her addiction, learning that I loved her.

I felt like I was watching my entire past and future play through my head. The laughs, the tears, the fights.

It was all there.

I was riddled with guilt when I realized I was drinking at 1pm over a life that made me the happiest version of myself; yet it was clouded with gray.

I grabbed my phone, opening my call log; praying for the best since I had 6% left.

I listened to it ring, my eyes locked on the whiskey bottle; drowning in shame.

"COLBY!?!" Was all I heard, followed by a shriek. "Oh my god! Are you okay?! Where are you?!" Sam rapidly fired.

"I'm.. fine" I said slowly, squinting from the sun.

"Where are you?!"

"Listen, I uh.."

"Colby-"

"Can I stay with you guys for a while?" I asked, the line going silent for a second.

"What? Where are you? What happened?"

"I just.. I think.. I think I need a break" I breathed out, my finger running around the rim of the whiskey bottle.

"I mean, shit- Yeah. Of course you can. What happened? Leighton's been trying to get a hold of you for hours! Have you talked to her?" He asked, the idea of worrying her saddened me, but I couldn't focus on it.

Anytime I thought about her crying, or yelling at me made me want to stay here longer.

"Nothing's happened" I muttered, gnawing on my lower lip.

"What?"

"Look, my phones almost dead-

"Colby don't you dare fucking move! Are you okay? What's going on?!" Sam demanded.

"I'm fine"

"No you're not. Talk to me. You know you can talk to me. What's going on? I left you just yesterday!"

"Nothing's going on"

"Fucking bullshit. Does Leighton know where you are?" He asked and groaned, my hand running over the side of my face.

"No"

"Colby what the fuck! You've got her worried sick!"

"I'm sorry"

"You can't make a pregnant woman worried sick! Remember with Gemma? And how Leighton got preeclampsia and shit!"

There it was.

"I get it!" I snapped, resisting the urge to hang up.

"If you got it, you wouldn't have fucking ran away like a teenager! She needs you!"

"What about me Sam?! What if I fucking need her?! Where is she then huh?!" I hissed before hanging up, throwing my phone off the edge of the cliff, my hands shaking with anger and sadness.

What if I needed her this time?

*Leighton's POV*

I entered the police station, dried tear stains causing my face to itch as I took in a rough exhale, struggling to breathe from my recent sob session, along with the anger I felt.

"How may I help you?" A woman asked, glancing up at me from her computer.

"I'm here for Cole Brock"

She nodded, her fingers typing against the keyboard.

"Bail's been posted for 20 grand" She stated and my jaw literally dropped to the fucking floor.

"Twenty grand?" I stuttered, the woman nodding. "Why?!"

"DUI with past felonies"

"DUI!?!" I exclaimed, the woman nodding.

My fingers squeezed the bridge of my nose as I took in a shaky breath, my blood running cold.

My lower lip quivered as I tried to pull my shit together for the umpteenth time today. "And if I can't pay bail?" I asked, my eyes beginning to gloss over, looking at the woman's lifeless stare.

"He stays in jail till his arraignment which could be two to four days" She stated and I felt the tear roll down my face.

Two to four days?!

My arms crossed and I nodded.

"Thank you" I murmured, the woman giving me a curt nod.

Where the fuck am I going to get twenty grand?! I can't just leave him in jail!

I sat on the curb outside the police station, tears streaming down my face as I heard the 911 operator inform me that Colby was currently being held in jail.

I wiped at my face as I got up, sitting here not getting us anywhere.

Taking a few moments to calm down, I drove back to my apartment, having no idea what I was going to tell Aaliyah.

Walking through the front door alone felt like a slap in the face.

"Where's Colby?" She immediately asked as I chucked my shoes off my feet, letting my bag drop to the ground. "Leighton?"

Ignoring her, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a wine glass, a half drank bottle of sparkling cider and walked to my bedroom.

"Leighton?!"

I carefully shut the door, Gemma fast asleep.

My fingers twisted the lock as I sat on the floor, the soft but assertive knock on my door being heard as I opened the bottle, letting the fizzy juice spill into the curved glass.

"Leighton?! Leigh let me in! If you're drinking, you're not drinking alone!" She demanded and I sniffled, pushing myself up off the ground to unlock the door; my eyes met with Aaliyah holding her own glass and wine bottle. "Talk to me" She pleaded, following me back to where I was sat.

I let the juice burn down my throat, Aaliyah pouring her own wine.

"What did he do?"

"I need twenty grand"

"WHAT?!" She shrieked, almost spilling her wine causing me to gasp and save my apartment deposit, quickly catching her tipping hand. "Why?! What happened?!"

"He's in jail" I muttered, gulping the end of my drink, wishing so desperately I wasn't an addict, or pregnant.

"HE'S IN JAIL?!" She yelled, ignoring me as I shushed her, reminding her my daughter was sleeping. "What did that fucker do?!"

"DUI"

"DUI?!"

"I don't know what to do. I need to get him out of there, but I don't have fucking twenty grand Aaliyah! I don't! I.. I.. I mean.." I froze, trying to remember what was on my bank statements as my heart began to race. "I can't do shit! I.. Aaliyah I can't! I can't pay it! And even if I could; everything is closed! Plus.. you can only pay bail between certain hours-"

"Yeah, I know. It was a bitch when you got arrested" She grumbled.

"But I.. this isn't the first time Aaliyah!" I spilled, my head dropping as I squeezed my eyes shut, horrific flashbacks playing through my head from when Colby broke his leg.

"Leighton!" She gasped, my body trembling as I held back my emotions.

"Part of me.. part of me just wants to leave him there" I quietly confessed, my heart shattering as I spoke out my regretful thoughts.

"Leigh.."

"It's shitty, I know"

"Leighton; he's a good person. You know that"

I nodded, sniffling as more tears collected, my knuckle getting wet as I tried to rub them away.

"I.. I love him so.. so fucking much" I whimpered, "But it.. it doesn't feel enough anymore"

"You don't know that Leighton" She tried to reassure me, but it went in one ear and out the other.

"I want him to be safe, and happy. I want him to be okay. I'm so... I'm so fucking tired" I began to whine, more tears threatening to spill down my face. "I'm so fucking tired of playing this game. Of fighting. For me, for him, for us. He's in fucking jail for god sakes! JAIL! I never wanted to step back in one of those places ever again, and yet here I fucking am for him, ready to bail his ass out; and it's twenty grand! TWENTY FUCKING GRAND!" I cried, my entire body shaking as her arms wrapped around me, pulling me into her chest.

I cried against her chest, hating how fucking pathetic I felt.

I listened to her try to reassure me, telling me we'd figure this out, but I was stuck on where I was supposed to get twenty grand from.

Aaliyah helped me into bed, trying to bring me comfort; when she only brought me pain.

She flipped off the light and shut the door, leaving me to lye in the pitch black, Colby's side of the bed being stiff and cold.

I was alone.

My mind drifted to Colby in a cell, laying on the horrible stuff boards they called mattresses, wondering what he was thinking about.

Did he miss me? Was he hungover? Did he regret it?

Running on no sleep, I called in sick to work and got Gemma ready for the day to hang out with Cynthia and Harper, Aaliyah telling me over and over again that she can stay and help; but I knew her job interview was important.

"I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. Go kick ass, okay?" I tried to sound as confident as possible as I waved goodbye, Gemma babbling my ear off about what Cynthia promised they'd do today.

It never stopped.

No matter if you were pregnant, in jail, or simply fucking tired; the world kept turning.

Cynthia wished me a good day at work and I quietly thanked her before making my way to the bank, having no idea what I was going to leave her with.

I walked in with dread, and walked out with my heart racing as I thought, what did I just do?

I gripped the cashier check in my hand with so much force and care, terrified it would just slip out of my fingers and be carried away by the wind.

I was officially broke. With a capital B.

My entire life savings, and then some was held within this one piece of paper...

I was screwed.

I walked into the Police station with shaky hands, a line of people in front of me as I thought about the irony of being on the other end of this.

I never wanted to be here again.

Eventually it was my turn and with a dull voice he asked, "Name?"

"Cole Brock"

"Bail, twenty grand" He stated and I nodded, jitters running through my body causing me to shiver at the idea of handing twenty grand to this random person; my entire life savings that I might not get back, in the hands of a stranger.

The second I slid the check to him, the air was knocked out of my lungs.

Everything I've worked for is in the hands of this man, all because my fiancé was an idiot.

My lips pursed as I listened to him tell me that Colby would be let out soon, and that if he showed up to the court dates, I'd get the bail money back and I just nodded, having no fucking clue what I was going to say to the man that just cost me my life savings, and more important, could've cost his life or someone else's all because he was acting on stupidity.

I sat down in the stiff chair, my leg relentlessly shaking as I waited, my hand instantly rubbing against my plush stomach as I watched people come and go, the feeling of insecurity running up along the nerves of my back and neck wondering what these people have done, who they were here to bail out or what kind of news they'd be receiving.

Were they a murderer? An abuser? or simply caught up in a DUI like Colby?

Jail was filled with all sorts of people, whether it was something stupid, or something insanely terrifying, you never knew who was walking through that door, and for what reason.

I wanted out of here.

I crossed my hands in front of my stomach, looking away from the door as I impatiently waited, every minute feeling like an hour.

The sound of my name caused me to jump, quickly looking over towards a door where a tired Colby stared back at me.

Rushing to my feet, I quickly pulled him into a hug, the embrace being stiff and cold as I let my arms fall to my side, stepping away from him.

"Who called you?" He asked, my heart dropping to my stomach as my back collapsed under the weight.

"I bail you out, and that's the first thing you ask?" I pressed, my face scrunched up in confusion and anger.

I quickly turned on my heel, wanting to get the hell out of here, leaving my fiance dumbfounded.

Halfway to my car I heard,"Leighton!", but I couldn't stop as I quickly spotted my car. "Leighton stop! Wait!"

"NO! SCREW YOU!" I screamed, unlocking my car, sliding in and slamming the door shut, ready to lock him out and leave him here, when he quickly pulled the door open.

"Please! I'm sorry!" He frantically spit out.

"Get the fuck in the car. I want to fucking leave" I growled, tired of his shit.

He goes missing for 24 hours and I bail him out of jail just for him to ask who told me? No I love you, I'm sorry, let me explain.

Who called you?

Really?

Who fucking called me was his concern?!

The first five minutes were silent as my mind raced, Colby's annoying quick glances pissing me off time and time again until he finally spoke. "I'm sorry" He stated, my body feeling like it was going to explode with rage.

"You fucking better be" I muttered, turning on my blinker.

I hated how pathetic I felt. How unapologetic his apology sounded.

Was he even sorry? Did he regret his actions? Did he miss me? Care that I was worried?

"Leighton" He exhaled, shutting up when I shook my head, refusing to glance back at him.

I parked in my spot, climbing out of my car, not looking back as I quickly got to the elevator, impatiently waiting for the button when I heard his steps getting closer.

Finally the doors opened and my eyes rolled when he slipped inside, joining me for the dreadful ride to our floor.

"Please talk to me" Silence. "Please" he begged, fighting off the urge to sarcastically laugh in his face.

Now he wanted to talk?

"Did you cry?" I suddenly asked, looking over at him.

His eyebrows pulled together, turning to face me, "What?"

"Did you cry? Once? Twice? Because I've cried." I stated, wanting to smack the clueless look right off his stupid face. "I cried for your safety. I cried for your wellbeing. That you would be okay, begging you to come home. To reply to me. To simply fucking be here; and none of it was answered until I fucking called 911, crying, afraid that you were going to fucking die... only to find out you'd been arrested" I continued, swallowing the lump in my throat. I took a quick inhale, "So tell me Colby, did you cry?" I asked, the elevator doors opening; both of us standing there for a moment as I listened to his silence. "Thought so" I muttered, leaving him frozen in the elevator.

I twisted my key into the door, allowing myself in, letting the door shut behind me.

I was tempted to lock it, but before I could make up my mind Colby twisted the handle, letting himself in.

I repeated the process of slipping off my shoes, letting my purse fall and making my way to the kitchen, except this time I felt him follow me.

He was finally home, and it felt twisted that I wished to be alone.

I opened the fridge, grabbing a water bottle and twisting it open, only to hear Colby's soft voice make me freeze.

"I cried." He began, my body turning to face him, "I cried for you." He finished, but I knew he wasn't done. "I longed for you. To hold you. To have you... to want you" he spoke with such uncertainty and pain that I could feel my own shocked pain tighten my chest as my voice wobbled; "Wh-what?"

"I'm sorry" He apologized again, his once beautiful bright blue eyes looking so pale and dark in comparison.

"If you wanted me, why didn't you come home?! I was here, waiting for you!" I exclaimed, hating how defeated he looked. "Colby? Why didn't you come home"

Silence.

I kept my eyes locked on him, my muscles tensing as I watched him glance away.

"Colby?"

"I.."

"Colby? Please.." I begged; my eyes narrowing as I used all the strength I could find to keep my composure.

"I didn't want to" he confessed, the shoe finally dropping.

I felt my heart drop as I took a sharp inhale of air, rolling my lips inwards as my sinuses began to burn.

He didn't want to go home.

"You could've hurt someone" I stated softly, the entire kitchen filling with a sense of dread.

I felt like every breath I inhaled, another brick was placed on my chest as I tried to figure out what was going on inside of his head.

All I could see was darkness blinding me in his lifeless blue eyes.

How long have they looked like that?

His lips parted, but nothing came out, his shoulders dropping before his head hung low.

"Why won't you talk to me?" I asked softly, too afraid to let my anger show; afraid of watching him crumble beneath me.

Would yelling at him make him retreat more?

I hated second guessing my own actions. Like I had to change to make him happy; it pissed me off.

How dare he make me feel like I can't be mad at him for making me worry about his well being?! I'm pregnant with his child for God sake! I love him, my daughter loves him! We have an entire life to plan out together, yet here I was, too afraid to say the wrong thing or take the wrong step.

The words "I didn't want to" not even registering in my head as I continued to think about him putting himself and others in danger.

Why didn't he want to come home? Was it me? Gemma?.. us?

"Because I know what you're going to say" He muttered, his eyes glancing to look over at me, the pale blue irises clouded with wavering tears.

I hated watching him cry.

It didn't happen often, but every time I saw a stray tear lose its fight and roll down his cheek, it felt like watching a kicked puppy scurry to safety.

I wanted to be safety, yet I seemed to only cause pain.

"And what am I going to say?" I half teased, hating that a single tear rolled down his cheek as he sat down on the kitchen stool, his eyes fixated on the countertops.

"That you're disappointed in me" he said softly.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I took a deep breath, catching his attention; Colby's eyes slowly lifted from the surface below to look at me. "I am disappointed in you, but I also love you" I told him carefully, Colby's facial features softening as the three words fell from my lips.

I watched him nod to himself, my eyes narrowing before he said, "You can hate me. I would if I were you" making me feel like the floor beneath my feet shattered.

"It would be easier to hate you, than it is to love you, but I think that's why it's worth it" I told him, my voice full of certainty, watching his every move. "You don't know the hell I went through to find you. The worry, the pain... wondering if you were okay.." I drifted, my eyes closing as they began to burn. "It's not hard to love you Colby. It's hard to care. It's exhausting to worry. To not know if you're okay.." My blurred vision looked back at him, his face covered by his hands. "Why'd you do it? Why didn't you come home? Why didn't you reply? Why'd you drink and drive?" I listed, my chest tightening at every possible avenue we could be walking down with whatever he said next.

He stayed silent, ignoring my sigh as I leaned back against the counter, giving us more distance.

"I know about the pills. I know you've skipped. Why?"

"I felt okay" He mumbled, removing his hands from his face.

"Colby. You know that it takes a few for shit to affect you. You felt okay because of the pills!"

His silence was aggravating.

Was it so bad that I wanted answers?

"I've never been in this position before, I don't know how to help unless you talk to me" I stated, becoming impatient at his lack of communication.

He put me through hell, and now he won't even tell me why?

"I don't fucking know, okay?" He snapped, my heart jumping in my chest out of surprise, an inaudible gasp filling my lungs as my eyes slightly widened from the abrupt change of behavior.

"Well you better fucking figure it out because I'll be damned if I have to bail your ass out of fucking jail again!" I snapped back, shoving myself off the counter and swiping my bottle before quickly exiting the kitchen.

I hated being mad at him, especially when I knew he was hurting; but was he not going to take accountability for his actions?

He could've killed someone!

I shut our bedroom door, running my free hand through my hair, feeling a few strands get caught in my fingers as my eyes locked on the unmade bed, Colby's empty side taunting me.

I missed walking through this door and seeing him lounge in bed on his laptop; now I wish to simply lay down without missing his touch.

It annoyed me how symbolic the empty side of his bed was beginning to become

I changed into comfier clothes, my eyes looking down at my stomach, squinting a little as my thumb ran over the extra skin.

Was there a bump?

I pulled on a shirt before quickly going to the bathroom, tugging it back up to my boobs, twisting my body in all different directions to try and notice the bump.

My eyes began to burn as I felt my hand curve against my stomach, a smile tugging at my lips as I felt it go from squishy to firm.

My baby.

I turned to the side, letting my hand repeat the motion, a big grin finding it's way onto my face as I saw my hand curve outwards instead of down.

I was getting my bump.

"Hi little love" I spoke softly, giddy over the idea of watching my stomach grow again.

I was doing this again.

"Oh my god" I exhaled, giggling slightly as I turned to the other side.

There was a bump!

Letting my shirt fall, I quickly snatched my phone from our room, shutting the bathroom door as I opened the camera, capturing this precious moment between me and my 2nd baby.

"Hi little love" I grinned, the camera facing the mirror as I recorded. "It's mom. I'm documenting the first time I've noticed your bump!" I ran my hand over my stomach, turning my body but keeping the camera straight. "I can't wait to meet you! I love you little one"

I ended the recording and took a cute picture, saving them into a new folder on my phone.

I felt like a whole new person as I walked out of that bathroom; a sense of pride washing over me knowing my baby was growing, and I was going to watch it again.

My steps became larger as I tried to find Colby, desperate to share this exciting news with him.

I can't believe I'm carrying his baby.

If only I could talk to myself 5 years ago...

"Colby?!" I called out, peeking in the kitchen only to find it empty. "Colby?" Nothing. "Colby?" I tried again, wandering down the hallway.

Hearing movement behind our bedroom door, I twisted the knob, elated to share that I had a bump, only to be met with Colby's suitcase on our bed.

"Colby?" I asked quietly, my brow furrowing. "W-what are you doing?" My voice cracked, Colby's back tensing before slowly turning around. "Wh-.. you're.. you're leaving?" I spoke in disbelief, noticing the pants packed, a few shirts on the bed.

"Leighton, we need a break" he stated softly.

"What?! No! You can't leave! You have to show up in court!" I quickly spat out, my heart beginning to race again at the idea of being left alone yet again.

I watched his eyes widen, "Shit!" he hissed before sitting next to his suitcase.

"You were just going to fucking leave?! Are you fucking kidding me?! YOUR BAIL WAS TWENTY FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS AND YOU WERE JUST GOING TO FUCKING LEAVE AFTER I FUCKING BAILED YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF JAIL?!" I shouted, my body feeling like it was going to explode with rage. 

"Leighton.. this isn't working"

"So you're just going to fucking leave?!" 

"Leigh.."

My head began to shake, "Fuck you" I spat, glaring at him.

"Classy" he muttered, pissing me off even more, if that was even possible.

"What the fuck Colby!" 

"What do you want me to say?!"

"THAT YOU'RE SORRY!?! THAT YOU LOVE ME?! JUST A FUCKING THOUGHT!"

"I do love you!" He called back, his hand extending in front of him.

"YOU DON'T LEAVE THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!"

"So what, I stay and hurt myself because I love you?" He asked, my entire system going into a state of sadness as my eyes began to tear up.

"What did I do?" I asked quietly, an uncomfortable pit forming in my stomach.

"Leighton, please don't" He softly begged, his beautiful blue eyes drooping as my breathing became more shallow.

I stayed quiet for a minute, trying to desperately collect my thoughts, but all I could feel was myself begin to mourn the person standing in front of me.

"I hurt you" I muttered to myself, sniffling before looking up at Colby. "I'm sorry"

"Leighton, please" he begged again, "Please just.." he sighed, his tongue in his cheek before his hand rubbed at his nose, his eyes looking back over at me, "Please.. please let me leave"

My eyes instantly squeezed shut as tears began to stream down my face; the desperate tone of his voice on repeat immediately.

I just nodded, not sure how I was supposed to reply to that as my brain began to work on overload.

"I can't.. I can't force you to stay" I began, opening my wet lashes to look at a blurred Colby. "But.. but.." my finger twisted the newly bought anxiety ring, hating the sting I could feel fill my chest. "But can I at least" I took a sharp inhale which was followed by a hiccup as I began to struggle to get a stable breath of air into my lungs. "Can I at least know why?"

"I don't want to hurt you" He frowned, my eyes squeezing shut before opening again, another rush of tears rolling down my cheeks.

"You're hurting" I whimpered, reaching up to wipe the thick streams of water off my reddened cheek. "Why.. why wouldn't you tell me? Why.. why won't you communicate with me that you need help? Why.. why isolate yourself?" 

"I didn't want to hurt you" he stated again, my brow furrowing as my eyes squinted, my wet lashes sticking together causing me to rub at my eye.

"You're already hurting me. Just fucking tell me! Why don't you want me anymore?! What did I do!"

"Do you really want to know?" He tested the waters, myself nodding. "I need you and you can't be there for me" 

"Wha-what?"

"It's okay" he tried, standing up from the bed, walking over to me, his hand grazing my hand but I pulled away from him.

"None of this is okay! If you needed me, why didn't you tell me?!"

"Leighton.. how was I supposed to tell you? When was I supposed to tell you? When you were busy ranting about work? When you're caring for Gemma? When you're vomiting from morning sickness? When you're at your dying mothers bedside? There is no room for me to tell you!"

"I'm sorry" I whispered, Colby shaking his head as his hand came up to cradle my face; my body hating the way my chest winced at the feel of his touch. "I didn't.. I didn't know! I.. Colby" I exhaled, Colby licking his lips; immediately making me crave his touch; yet I didn't want it.

I didn't want to be comforted. I was a bad fiancé! I didn't know he needed me until it was too late!

"What did you need from me? What could I have done to make this turn out differently?" I asked, sniffling as I tried to pull myself together.

"What do you mean?"

"You said you needed me. How did you need me? What did I not do?"

Colby reached for my hand, pulling me over to the bed, moving his suitcase out of the way as we both sat down.

"I don't know Leighton. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what could be done differently or what I need. I just.. something doesn't feel right"

"I don't want you to leave" I whispered, looking at him through my lashes before glancing away, too afraid to watch his body react to my confession. "I.. I was coming in here.. to show you.. to show that I have.. have a bump" my hand cradled my stomach, not daring to look away from the soft covered skin.

When the silence lingered, I looked over at Colby to see a few tears roll down his face.

"You're going to be a dad. Our baby needs you. Needs you to be alive, to be healthy. Our baby.. our baby needs a dad Colby. Someone to teach them things, someone to scare off their prom date, someone they can run too when the monsters get too scary. Our baby needs you. I need you. I need my shoulder to cry on; I'm so fucking sorry I failed to be that for you. I.. I had no idea that you needed that from me, and I'm sorry" I apologized, my face full of remorse.

Colby took me by surprise, pulling me into his chest.

"I love you" He mumbled into my hair.

"If you want to.. to leave" my voice shook, "I can't.. can't keep you here" 

"Leighton.." 

"Colby"

"I want you.. I just.. I don't want this" He stated, pulling away to motion around, confusing me.

"Want what?"

"This" he motioned again, "This life. This apartment. The lonely nights. The fighting. The worry! This isn't what I imagined when I saw forever"

"What do you mean you don't want this?! This is me Colby! How can you say you want me, but then say you don't want anything that has to do with me?!" I exclaimed, quickly shoving myself off the bed, creating distance as the emotion began to build in my chest.

"Because I love you, and I want you! I want you, I want Gemma, I want our baby... but Leighton; this isn't working" He continued, shifting on the bed to face me as I began to pace.

"Well then what do you want?!" 

"I want my friends, I want my family! I want you, and I, and Gemma in a house with a yard. Somewhere for us to grow! I can't.. I can't be shoved into an apartment forever doing nothing! I can't sit idle waiting for you to come home and boil over! I want to go on adventures, vacations, have normalcy and fun" He began to rattle off, becoming more and more animated as he continued.

"What does that even mean?! I've never held you back from seeing your friends! You go on trips all the time!"

"Work trips! I go on work trips!" He clarified, his face becoming pink.

"How is this my fucking fault?!" 

"YOU NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH ME! We have the money! The time! Gemma can always come, but you're too fucking stuck in being independent and doing it alone to allow me to help! I feel alone, because you think you're alone! I can't spoil you with gifts because you don't want me to waste money! I can't take you on trips because you're always working! I get it, you want to be independent, but you have to slow down at some point! We're crashing and burning, and you don't even fucking see it!" He shouted, standing up with his arms held out before they dropped to his side, his shoulders slumping as his voice softened, "We're two very different people who want two very different things, and yet you can't see that this isn't working? That we aren't happy? Leighton. I didn't want to come home" He emphasized, "I stayed out drinking, because I didn't want to come home. I didn't want to walk through that apartment door again and fall right back into this fucking loop of venting and dinner and baths and us going to bed barely touching only to wake up to your vomiting, and shoving me out of the bathroom! You don't want me, and you can't let me go!" 

"I do want you! Don't put words in my mouth because you're looking at a different picture! I fucking love you-"

"THEN WHERE WERE YOU?!" he shouted, his voice causing me to jump, backing up slightly.

"I was here! Waiting for you! YOU DON'T WANT ME! YOU CAN'T LET ME GO!" I shouted back, "Stop projecting your bullshit onto me! I'm fucking sorry I didn't notice you were hurting because my plate has been full. It's not an excuse, but it's what happened! I've never once said you can't see Sam, or jake, or even fucking Amber for that matter! I've never once said you can't go on a trip, or that you can't go out on your own! Stop acting like I'm a controlling bitch just because you're unhappy! If you want Sam, go fucking get him! If you're so god damn unhappy, then why the fuck are you still here?! Why prolong it this fucking long?! Why have a goddamn baby with me if you don't want me!"

"Because I wanted this! I wanted you and Gemma and our baby, but I don't want it like this! I don't want us like this!"

"I can't give you what you want, because I don't know how!" I confessed, the tension in my body dropping as I leaned back against the wall, my chest rapidly rising and falling. "I don't know how to be the girl you want! I don't know who that person is, and I honestly shouldn't have to fucking change for you! I work, because it's the only thing I know! I only know how to be alone! How to fucking provide for myself, for my daughter! I can't be the girl you want, because I don't know how!"

"I don't want someone else, I want you! I fell in love with you, but I need you to accept that you're not alone! It isn't you against the world and I know that's fucking rich coming from me.. but.. Leighton, I want to explore the world with you. I have the means to give us more than all of this" He motioned to the bedroom again. 

"What if I don't want more? What if this is where I'm content? Where I want to be?" I argued back, feeling the fire erupt in my veins.

"You'd rather work a shitty fast food job then go to the fucking Bahama's?" He mocked, my lips pursing.

"If it meant that I stayed clean and sober and happy and cared for; yes. I would rather work a shitty fast food job in our shitty apartment then go to the fucking Bahama's" I truthfully answered, Colby shaking his head out of disbelief, his hands running through his hair. "Is this you, or your mental health talking? Do you want a break from me and Gemma, or from yourself? Because I've been there Colby! I know how this shit feels, which is why I don't understand why you didn't come to me! I have a million things going on at all times, I need you to make me pay attention to you, and I'm sorry if that bothers you; it's just how it is" 

"You're making it sound like I'm some needy bitch!" 

"You ran away because you didn't want to come home! You worried the shit out of me because you couldn't fucking talk to me about what you needed! Your piss poor communication got us here Colby! I'm not a goddamn mind reader! I don't know where your head is at all times and the last I knew, you were taking your medication and were doing fine!"

"I can't fucking do this anymore" He groaned, his hands clasped behind his head.

"Shit gets rough and you give up huh? Must be nice to have money for the Bahama's. Run away Colby. Go to Sam, tell him I'm a bitch who doesn't give you attention. At the end of the day, I may feel like shit, but I can at least be proud of myself for not giving up!"

I watched him roll his eyes, grabbing his suitcase again. 

"You better be at that fucking court date or or I swear to god Cole Brock, I will snip off your dick so fucking fast! I have twenty grand on the fucking line because you were fucking stupid. If you fucking leave and make me lose my fucking life savings, so help me god you'll wish you were fucking dead" I warned, my jaw clenched, my anger masking the sadness as he ignored me, putting things into his suitcase. "Colby!"

"I'll fucking be there!" He snapped, his back turned to me.

"Is this it then?" I asked, leaning against the doorframe as my chest tightened; watching him fill his suitcase with all of his clothes. "I'm just too much of a selfish demanding bitch that you can't take it anymore?" I pressed, my anger taking over.

"I never said that Leighton"

"Yeah? Well you sure didn't want to come home and watch me boil over"

I heard him take a sharp inhale before looking over his shoulder, his lips parting before shaking his head and turning back to the suitcase, the anger fading away into sadness.

I held back the tears as he zippered it close, grabbing his charger from his night stand. "I'll be at the court date" He said before slipping past me, his suitcase brushing against my shirt, my attention falling back to the bump, and that's when it all came crashing down again.

I was pregnant and alone again.

"Hey Colby?!" I called after him, my feet quickly following his lead. 

"What Leighton?" he asked, his tone snippy as he slipped on his shoes.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you, I snapped at you. I'm sorry I said shitty things. I was just mad and scared! Please don't leave!" I quickly apologized, fear shaking me to my core. "I love you" I whimpered.

"Sometimes love isn't enough"

* * * * 

Oops

Written on: March 7th, 8th, 9th, 11th, 13th 2023

Published: March 143h 2023

Word Count: 8324

Part Nine

[britswriting]

Devotion C.B (1)

Welcome to book 3 of my unbroken series!

Series masterlist

Read on wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

I thought getting engaged meant you immediately opened Pinterest and started looking at wedding dresses, but it took me almost 2 months to even daydream about it.

The first thing I did was yell at Uncle Garrett for not telling me, Colby and I walking hand in hand back to the car, before I pulled out my phone and FaceTimed Aaliyah, showing her my ring, listening to her gasp then squeal.

"If I'm not your maid of honor bitch I swear!" She declared, making me laugh.

"You'll have to fight Logan for it!"

"Shit" She muttered and I laughed. "Wait! He would totally rock that though! WAIT WHAT IF HE WAS THE FLOWER GIRL" Aaliyah cackled. "Brock, I didn't think you had the balls to do it!" She called out and my eyes widened, bringing my finger to my lips since Gemma was next to me, falling asleep.

The day of my 24th birthday, we all (My dad, mom, aunt, uncle, Melissa, Colby, Gemma and I) went to the Mall of America, back to the rainforest cafe; Gemma losing her mind at all the animals.

"The last time I was here, you were in mommy's belly" I cooed, feeling weird seeing my two and a half year old sit across from me, in the same exact place where I didn't know if it would all work out.

Here I was two years later, engaged, sober and happy... It felt surreal.

The day before we had to head back home, Colby asked if we were going to publicly announce our engagement now that everyone important already knew.

"If you want to, we can, but I don't mind keeping it to ourselves. You're Mr. Social Media. It's your career. You can do whatever you want" I replied, and he sighed. "What?"

"You're important, you do know that, right?" he asked, confusing me. "I want to share you with people. You're a part of this decision"

"I understand, but it's your job. It's your name. If you want to tell your followers I said yes in some cheesy post, go right head, but I don't care"

"You don't care?" He asked and I shrugged, scrolling through my texts with my mom, trying to find a picture she sent, to send to Aaliyah. "Why don't you care?"

"Social media isn't my life Colby"

"I understand... but don't you want to tell people?" He asked, getting me to look at him.

"We did. We told everyone I want to tell. People who watch your ghost hunting videos don't matter to me. They're not in my life, they're not getting invited to the wedding, they're not someone I really think about. I'm not involved in that side of you, and to be frank, I don't want to be. That is your job. That's where you work. If you want to share that with them, that is your choice, it doesn't affect me"

"Leighton, it's more than just where I work. It's everyone knowing we're together. We're getting married. We're starting a life together" he tried to explain, seeming upset, which was confusing me.

"But we've already started a life together long before you proposed?"

"But I never shared that"

"So then why does it matter if you share that we're engaged?"

"Because..." He paused, letting out a deep breath, "Because you're a part of my life I want to share. I don't share because people have too many opinions and think they can control me... but why can't I have what Sam and Kat have? Why can't I post photos of us kissing? Why can't I share fun adventures we do, and show us doing couple like things, without getting yelled at? I want to share the proposal because it means you're staying. You're someone they have to take or leave. I already plan to marry you. Their voices don't matter anymore"

"Colby, if you want to tell people, then tell people"

"But you don't want me to"

"Oh my god! Colby! if you worked an office job, why the fuck would I care if you told your coworkers you were engaged? I'll more than likely never see them in my life. You're asking me if I want to post on social media about a life event they're not a part of? I don't use social media, I don't post on it, I barely type it into Google. Posting about an engagement isn't something that I have a desire to do, but I understand if you do. If you want to post a cheesy photo and say "She said yes" on your Instagram, then do that. Whatever your choice is, does not matter to me"

"I want it to fucking matter, Leighton!" He groaned, his hands covering his face.

I sighed, watching him run his hands over his face.

"Colby, baby, I love you and I support your decision if this is what you want to do. — Are you listening to what I'm saying? I said I don't care if you want to, or not. If you want to share me, us... do that. Do whatever will make you happy, but something as small as an Instagram post should not be controlling your life. I don't know why you're freaking out about this, when you barely use Instagram as it is. What is the real issue here? Why is this such a big deal to you, besides you wanting your fans to know we're getting married?"

"It's not controlling me! I just.. Why can't you care? Why don't you want them to know?"

"Look at me" I demanded, his face still covered by his hands. "Colby, look. at. me."

He removed his hands, his eyes glossed over as he stared at me.

"You are Cole Brock. A boy I met because I needed a place to live, and we just happened to bond and like getting greasy diner food together. You're not Colby Brock, the big YouTuber who has money and fame and followers. I don't give a crap about what your "fans'' have to say about me, or my life, or our relationship. You don't share things because you're insecure of losing people. Why are you so afraid to lose someone who's never supported you to begin with? If you're going to get hated on for falling in love, they didn't deserve you anyway. If posting this post is going to make you happy, post it. I'm not going to see the hate, or lose a wink of sleep over it, and you shouldn't either. If you want to keep it private, do that by all means. If you want to shout from the rooftops that you put a ring on it, fucking do that!" I laughed, seeing a smile crack on his face, a tear rolling down his cheek. "They only get to see what you show. You control how much you let them in, and how much you tell them. If you want the world to know, share it, and if you want it to just be us... that's perfectly fine too"

"I'm sorry" he mumbled, wiping at his cheek, and I leaned down to kiss him softly.

"I love you"

"I love you too, and we don't have to post anything if you don't want to" he said and I groaned.

"Oh my god! Just hit fucking post, will you?"

****

colbybrock: The start of something beautiful 

****

Life got busy once we got home, that logistics like "Now what?" never really crossed our minds. Sam and Colby got back into the swing of filming, and I got back into the swing of working, and visiting family and friends, April and Noel coming over here and there to hang out, that our one year anniversary really snuck up on me.

"I don't know what to do for it" I complained to Aaliyah, scrolling through pages of Google links.

"Have you heard from Colby?" She asked, tiredness worn on her face like she was ready to crawl into bed, even though it was currently 2:35pm.

"I mean, we FaceTime, but he's been so busy with work.."

"Ask him. No one says it has to be a surprise. You can plan things together"

"I just.. I hate that every time I try to do something nice for him, I fail. I can never get it to go to plan"

"Babes, that's just your life" She laughed and groaned.

"I know! What did you and River do for your first?"

"Honestly, we don't even know our anniversary. We know the month, and that's it. We sort've just picked a day and rolled with it and we've gotten to the point where we just make dinner and hang out for the night. It doesn't have to be something extreme, Leigh. It can be small simple things"

"But he likes the extreme things"

"Has he seen your bank account before he put a ring on it? He's going to need to like poor man's soup and a movie night cuddle if you two are going through life together"

"Hey!"

She laughed, "Leighton, be real. He doesn't care. He's happy you just said yes"

One way or another she was correct, and Colby flew in on the day of our anniversary, commenting about how weird it was to walk into the apartment and not have a toddler screaming at his feet since she was with Gabe for the next two days.

We stayed in our pajamas all day and hung out in my apartment, ordering in food and reminiscing on all of the things we did before we got together, Colby pulling up old explore videos, mentioning how they thought about doing more things like that, just this time actually getting permission.

"See, I'd be down to go for that. As long as you don't whip an EMF meter out of your ass, I'll go"

"Why do you hate ghosts so much?" he laughed, pausing the video.

"Because I have a hard time believing in the fact that once you die, your soul goes somewhere and can get trapped here, and you're still stuck here. I have a hard time thinking there is more. If I've lived so many past lives, why is my brain still confused?"

"If we're going to stay engaged, we are not walking down that road right now" He laughed and I rolled my eyes, snuggling more into my blanket.

"I understand you have your beliefs and you've seen some unexplainable things, hell, even I have. I still don't know what kinda bullshit that Amanda girl was on, but.. I just.. it's easier to block it out and pretend it didn't happen, then look it in the face. Maybe deep down I just don't want it to be real.. but because I think it's all bullshit, it's not fun going and I'm sure it isn't fun watching me be there. I'm glad you guys are getting to do crazy shit, but mostly I'm glad you have something to do with Sam, without me. I'm glad you guys get to spend time together like that"

The second week of September Colby and I somehow got on the topic of moving in together, and it wasn't like we didn't want to... but it came down to where, when and how.

Where would we move?

When would we move?

and how?

I can't just move us across the country, because Gemma see's Gabe every other weekend, or on weekdays. With our schedules being so crazy right now, I can't imagine possibly finding the time to do that, to which Colby claimed that we just make time.

Sounds easy, right?

"Would you want to move to Nevada?" Colby asked and without thinking twice I shook my head. "Why?"

"Because that's not home to me. I hear Nevada and I think Vegas strip, and that's like bachelor party or vacation time. I don't picture raising a family there"

"Families live there" he chimed back.

"I know, but I want to move more east... I just... I don't want to be away from my family, and asking them to follow me back home is a lot right now. I mean, my mom has all her doctors here. I can't just make it Leighton's world and ask everyone to move for me"

"But you also can't put your life on hold for your mom"

I rolled my eyes, walking down the hall, leaving him in my bedroom.

"Leighton?" He called, his footsteps behind me, his hand grabbing my shoulder. "Please don't"

I groaned, turning around. "I get that I can't put things off.... But I would rather live here, with them, and be able to see my mom whenever I want, then be in Minnesota and get the call that she died. I have literal nightmares about that. So I'm not moving. If you wanna live in Vegas, live in fucking Vegas, but I'm staying here"

"Why is this becoming an argument? Nevada isn't my forever place either"

"I'm not arguing. I apologize if it's coming off like that, it's just... I want you to know that I want to stay here, and why"

"But you shouldn't put what you want off. Your mom could live for 10 more years Leighton"

"And she could die tomorrow. I'm not negotiating and I'm not changing my mind, so can we drop it? If you want to live together, move back here, otherwise, stay where you are" I muttered, continuing my way to the kitchen.

I started cleaning up from breakfast, Gemma having made a mess of my floors and table.

"Leighton"

I mentally groaned, ignoring him as I wiped down the table.

"Leighton"

"What?"

"Can we please talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about? I'm staying here. So clearly, if we're living together, you're moving here. It's not like you hate California"

"That's not the point. You're brushing off an important conversation about us moving in together"

"You're literally here all the time" I motioned to my apartment, moving around Colby who was leaning against the counter.

"Leighton, I love you, but I don't want to live with your brother forever"

Oh.

Shit.

I looked up from the sink, Colby watching me, looking confused and frustrated.

"Leighton? Why are you shutting down on me?" He asked and when I didn't reply, I watched him get up and my heart dropped.

Was he leaving?

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, only to feel his hands wrap around my waist, pulling me into him.

"Please don't shut down on me"

"I'm.. not"

I heard him chuckle, and felt his hands on the front of my hips before he had me turn into his chest.

"Why are you getting quiet on me? You only go quiet when you're insecure. It's just a conversation baby"

"I just.. I can't really afford a house mortgage" I admitted, hating how I feel like I'm holding him back.

I watched a smile crack onto his face, turning into a grin.

"What?" I asked, confused why he looked like he was about to make fun of me.

"It's always Leighton against the world, huh?" He teased me.

"What?"

"Why is it that I brought up us moving in together, and your brain went to some expensive house you can't afford? Do you really think I'm going to force you into a situation you're uncomfortable with? I already know you won't let me just buy us a house. We have other options, you know. We could do what you're doing now, but on our own" He said and I felt stupid.

"I'm sorry" I immediately apologized, wishing we could just restart this whole conversation over.

"I love you, you know that?" He laughed, my face becoming warm as I leaned into his chest, groaning.

He held me for a minute as I let my embarrassment rush through my veins, praying we can just pretend my stupidity never happened.

"What about Landon?" I asked, my words muffled against the fabric of his shirt.

"Leighton, he can't expect you to live with you forever? Especially now that we're engaged. Plus, he has friends, a boyfriend, I'm sure he'll figure it out. You need to stop worrying so much about other people"

"Well I'm not going to leave him high and dry!"

"Leigh, you're acting like we're moving out tomorrow with no warning. Do you just not want to live together, is that the problem?" He accused me, and I pushed away from his chest glaring.

"Why the fuck would I say yes if I didn't want to live with you? Do you think we were going to get married and we just continue to live in different states?" I asked, creating distance between us/

"Well you're not talking to me, and bringing up issues that aren't even issues yet! We've been engaged for three months, and we haven't even discussed it"

I took a calming breath, my head starting to feel fuzzy as I tried to pull my thoughts together.

"There are a lot of lives affected if we do that. What about Sam and Kat?" I asked, knowing that if we moved out, we were leaving a lot of people with unexpected changed lives.

"Sam and Kat are perfectly fine if I leave babe" he chuckled, yet again making me feel stupid.

I sat down on the floor, feeling overwhelmed and just wanted to be alone for a minute.

"Babe?" He said and I shook my head. "Leighton?"

I opened my eyes to see Colby sat in front of me.

"Can you please tell me what you're thinking about?" He asked and I groaned.

"It's dumb. I'm dumb. I'm sorry" I immediately spat out, going to stand up, only for Colby to grab my wrist and pull me back down to him.

"You're overwhelmed" he stated, and I just stared. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but can we at least talk about it?" He asked and nodded. "What is in your head right now?"

"Things are changing, and fast" I mumbled, feeling extremely pathetic.

He nodded, "They are, and that's not a bad thing"

"But... I finally got comfortable"

"Being comfortable is overrated" he teased, getting me to smile, shaking my head.

"Not when you're poor and stressed. You welcome comfort" I giggled.

"Just because change happens, doesn't mean you're taking steps back. I brought it up because I come back here frequently anyway, plus we're engaged now, and I'd like to start the journey of fully creating a life together. I'm not saying we need to live in a mansion, I'm perfectly fine with us living in an apartment..... I just want to be with you"

It felt nice to be able to sit down and talk about our future, without being told that I'm wrong, or that my insecure feelings are stupid, even when I know I'm overreacting, or taking things out of proportion.

The two of us probably sat on the kitchen floor for an hour, talking about possibly moving into an apartment together and what that would look like, which eventually led to both of us sitting on our phones, looking at listings and just daydreaming a little bit about the idea of actually taking this step together.

"So would you say three bedrooms then?" He asked.

"Well.. we only need two? The more you add, the more expensive it gets"

"Baby, let's just put in our dream things first and go from there"

"But"

"Worry about money later" He stated and I frowned.

"That is a foreign concept, Brock"

October rolled around and we finally set up time to look at apartments, and a few small houses, but Colby immediately said no, not liking the neighborhoods they were in.

By the time we found an apartment we could both agree on, everything started to feel a little too real.

"Is this really happening?" I whispered to him, both of us reading over our renters agreement.

"You know what will be even more real?" He quietly asked.

"Hm?"

"When your signing Brock as your last name"

Oh.

I stayed quiet, pretending to be focused on the contract, signing and dating the few pages.

"I can't believe I'm legally bound to an apartment with you now... and my dad isn't a co-signer" I joked, Colby finishing writing his name down.

"I almost put Colby" he chuckled, double checking that he didn't miss anything. "We did it" He grinned, looking over at me.

"I can't believe you roped me into sharing an apartment with your annoying ass. I'm going to have to see your stupid face every day" I fake groaned, Colby grabbing my arms and pulling me into his chest.

"You signed it, no take backs! I can't believe we're engaged and renting an apartment together. It's almost like we're becoming real adults" He grinned, looking down at me.

"Gemma is going to love that she doesn't have to say goodbye anymore"

We decided to tell Gemma on her birthday, since we were going to be moving in on December 16th.

Colby and I sat her down in the living room and told her we had one final present for her, the now three year old not being able to sit still.

"Is it a puppy?!" She ecstatically asked, making a pit form in my stomach.

Ever since she got to hang out with Dakota, and Melissa teasingly told her to ask us for a puppy, she hasn't dropped it since.

We figured we'd give her a few weeks and she'd forget, but clearly we're inexperienced with little girls who want puppy dogs.

"So you know how Coco gave me a pretty ring and we get to spend forever together?" I asked her, Gemma fiddling with the stuffed cow she had gotten the year previous.

"Yes! He gives me ring too!" She showed me her hand, which proudly showcased the ring he had gotten her.

"Well Coco and I got an apartment together, like how me and Uncle Landon did, and you, Landon and I lived here" I motioned to the apartment, Gemma nodding. "Colby and I got one together, so you, me, and Coco can live together forever!" I exclaimed, hoping my excitement brushed off on her.

I watched a frown appear on her face, causing me to side eye Colby.

She pushed herself off the cough.

Was she not happy about this? Did she not want to move? Did I royally fuck up already?

She ran over to Colby, her arms wrapping around his legs.

"No lying?" She asked, looking up at him.

"I'm not lying. Are you happy bug?" He asked and I thanked God he did.

She quickly nodded, hiding her face in his legs.

"Then why the tears G?" He asked and I made my way over to them, crouching behind her, my hand rubbing soothing circles on her back, moving some of her hair out of the way, placing a kiss against her wet cheek.

"I dunno!" She cried, Colby chuckling and picking her up.

"Are you happy bug?" He asked and she nodded, hiding her face in his neck, melting my heart.

"No go bye bye" She cried.

I wrapped my arms around Colby's waist, sandwiching the three year old between us, and once she stopped crying, we started to explain how moving works and how she'll still be able to see her Uncle Landon whenever she wanted to and that she could pack up all her toys to the new place.

When move in day came, I was stressed out of my mind, and extremely thankful to April for offering to take Gemma off my hands for the day.

Sam, Kat and Colby were driving Colby's stuff from Nevada to California, leaving me to make all of the choices, which were surprisingly more overwhelming than you'd think.

Did I want that bookshelf in the living room? My room? The extra room? I don't know!

Sure the kitchen stuff went in the kitchen and the bathroom stuff in the bathroom, but what about Gemma's new doll house? Is that going in the living room, or her bedroom?

My dad and Logan brought in my bed, assembling it in the guest room whilst I started to unpack the kitchen stuff, Lexi and Landon working on the bathroom, wanting to get the most done in the least amount of time.

"The party has arrived!" Kat exclaimed, making her grand entrance into our new apartment. "Now where do you want Colby's box?" She laughed, shifting the box upward, struggling to keep her grip on it.

"In the living room is fine, Where is Colby?" I asked, not seeing Sam or Colby following behind her.

"They're working on carrying the bed frame up first"

Ah yes.

The bed Colby was so admit on keeping, and the reason that my bed was going in the spare room.

Colby and I treated our family and friends to some pizza and 20 bucks, the twins happily taking the cash, my dad and Logan refusing and Sam telling Colby that Colby paying for the road trip food was enough payment, Kat making a comment about how I needed the twenty dollars more than she did, which definitely felt like a low blow.

Maybe I just took it the wrong way?

I decided to let it go and work on getting Gemma's new big girl bed put together whilst Colby went to pick her up, but I caught myself wondering if I really was just in my head, or if she meant it the way it came across.

"Mommy!" Gemma squealed, running into her new room where I had just finished placing her brand new bedding on.

"Hi baby, did you have fun?" I asked which sparked her to go into telling me her entire time hanging out with Noel, followed by a load of "and then"'s causing me to get lost along the way.

Colby was put in charge of making our bed whilst I got Gemma ready for bedtime, Gemma being overly excited about taking a bath in the new bathroom.

"Bath toys?" She asked, pulling her top over her head.

"They're still on a box, I think"

"Oh.... but.... No new bath with no toys" She stated, frowning.

"Next time, okay?"

"Mommy!" She whined, the running water drowning out the pitch of her cry.

"Gemma, we have to find them. That's part of the moving process, baby"

"No ducky, no bath" She scrunched her face.

"How about we listen to some music?" I offered up, hoping I could prevent the brewing meltdown.

Thankfully she gave into the idea and even let it go that we didn't have bubbles, both of us singing along to one of my clean version playlists.

"Gonna go show Coco your cow towel?" I asked, Aaliyah having gifted her a towel that had a cartoon cow hood at the top.

I listened to her feet run down the hall, yelling "COCO! LOOK AT MY TOWEL!" as I drained the tub.

"Look at you, bug!" I heard him cheer, followed by giggles.

I slipped out of the bathroom, ready to brush her hair, preparing for the fight we were about to have.

I was nervous about our first night in the apartment, because even though it felt like when he'd sleepover... I knew it was permanent.

This is what my life looked like now, and that appeared scarier the more I thought about it.

I just kept telling myself that it was like any other day, but deep down I knew it wasn't.

I laid in Colby's... well, our bed, waiting for Colby to finish brushing his teeth, just staring at his pillow.

He had a permanent spot in my bed every single night now.

There was no, "Colby is coming over tomorrow, I need to change the bedding, buy food and do laundry" this is our home now.

I heard the bathroom door open, the light getting shut off as Colby walked into the room, tossing his clothes onto the floor.

I cleared my throat, getting him to look at me, "Once we have a hamper, you're not allowed to do that anymore. Do you know how many times my foot has tripped over your jeans when I got up to use the bathroom? I already have a toddler to clean up after. I'm not cleaning up after an almost 27 year old man" I warned, Colby nodding, crawling into bed.

"Promise?" I asked and he hummed, leaning over to kiss me.

"I'm so happy I get to be here, like this, with you, every night" I said softly, wrapping his arm over my ribs, resting under my boobs as he nuzzled into me.

The first week wasn't anything different then when he would visit, but as a couple weeks went by, things began to feel a little more complicated.

I caught myself snapping at Colby a few times, or arguing with him about household chores.

The closer we got to Christmas, and the more together our apartment was becoming, I wanted to put up Christmas décor, but when I brought up about us buying a tree, Colby shrugged it off, telling me "Maybe next year"

"What do you mean next year?! This is our first Christmas in this apartment as a little family!" I exclaimed, my voice raising as I watched Colby scroll through his phone on the couch. "Cole!" I snapped, "Can you listen to me please?" I asked, annoyed that his eyes were locked on his phone.

"What, Leighton? We spend Christmas at your parents house anyway. Why bother putting up the decor for 2 weeks just to take it down? we just got finished unpacking" He explained, and I could see the logical side of it, but that only pissed me off more.

"It's our first Christmas as a family!"

"Leighton, technically our first Christmas as a family was when Gemma was a baby"

"Ugh! WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING ME ON THIS?! We need Christmas décor anyway! What's so wrong about me wanting to put up décor for the holidays?"

"Because we're going to have to take it all down in two weeks, and we literally just got done unpacking all of our shit. I don't want to repack a bunch of décor in 2 weeks"

The tears began to well up in my eyes, so I walked away, taking a few deep breaths, but it only turned into a quivering lip as I held back my sobs.

Why didn't he want to celebrate Christmas with me? What was so wrong about putting up a few decorations together?

I felt a hot tear roll down my cheek, quickly swiping it away.

I expected him to follow after me, but when a few minutes went by, I only began to cry harder.

Did he not love me anymore?

Was all of this just one big mistake?

I dropped it for a few days, but whilst Gemma and I were walking through Walmart, we came across the Christmas décor and all of the cute ornaments and I was immediately pissed all over again.

Who was he to tell me I couldn't put Christmas décor up in my own home?

I'll just do it my fucking self, I don't need him!

"Gem, want to help mommy pick out a pretty tree?" I asked and she nodded, wandering down the aisle.

We picked out a fake green one, placing it in the cart before turning towards all of the Christmas tree décor, both of us wanting everything.

"Look mommy!" Gemma squealed, showing me a My Little Pony ornament.

"That's cute, did you see the farm animals?" I motioned towards the cow and sheep, a border collie figurine next to them.

"Puppy!" She exclaimed, jumping to point at the dog.

"There are other ones" I showed her a few different dog breeds, her eyes full of wonder.

"What's dat?" She asked.

"A begeal"

"What's dat?"

"A german shepherd"

We went on like this for a while, completely fascinated about how curious she was over the immense amount of decorations.

"Why put burger on tee?" she giggled, having looked at the big glittery food items.

"I bet if Nonna let him, Papa would put a burger on a tree"

"Burger no go on kissmas tee!" She snickered, the noise bringing the biggest smile to my face

"I love you so much Gemma"

We got home and Gemma demanded she get to carry the two bags if ornaments whilst I got the other two bags of decor.

"Coco gone?" She asked in the elevator and I nodded.

"He's working baby"

"Coco no elp?"

"He didn't want to"

"Oh..... why?"

I shrugged.

"No good" she shook her head, not bothering to wait for a reply when the elevator opened, running to our door that had the cartoon cow doormat, that way Gemma knew which door was ours.

"Urry ease!" She demanded, bouncing on her heels at the door.

I set the bags, down slipping off my shoes, "Gemma? Do you need to pee?" I asked her, trying to get her fully in the swing of potty training.

"I go pee all-eddy"

I took a deep breath, nodding.

"Next time you have to pee, tell momma okay? We need to go change your diaper now"

"No puffy?" She frowned and I shook my head. "No fair!" She whined.

"You get a puff ball in your jar when you go potty on the big girl toilet. If I gave you a puffy for peeing in your diaper, that defeats the purpose of the system bug" I laughed.

"BUT I NO GO PEE!" She began to cry, her face getting red.

"You just said you did"

"No I get puffy!" She cried, stomping her feet at me.

I rolled my eyes and led her to the bathroom, pulling a new pair of training underwear out of the drawer.

"Take your pants off please so we can change your diaper"

"I no go!" She wailed.

"Gemma, please"

"Puffy!" She cried.

"You can try again next time baby"

"But.. but... mommy!" She sobbed.

I hooked my thumbs under the band of her Jean's, dragging them down her legs, seeing she did indeed need a diaper change.

"I no need it!" She cried, shoving my hands away.

"Would you rather sit in your own pee?" I sternly asked, Gemma frowning and shaking her head, "Then let's change your diaper, and the next time you need to go potty, tell mommy and we can go. You're not in trouble Gemma"

"But no puffy?" She frowned.

"You can get one later baby"

"Now!" She whined, stepping out of the soiled training underwear, taking the wipe and practicing wiping herself before stepping into the new ones.

I ignored her demands, adjusting her pants, and felt her tug at my sweater.

"Puffy?"

"No Gemma"

"Mommy!"

"Your puff balls are for when you potty in the big girl potty" I explained again, starting to feel frustrated.

I called Logan, asking him to come over and help me carry up the heavy boxes tree, Logan bringing Harper for Gemma.

The girls giggled to themselves in the elevator, messing about before running out into the hall, squealing.

"Girls, indoor voices!" Logan called out, walking backwards towards the door, each of us having a side of the box.

"I elp!" Gemma called out, running over to her, her little hands barely reaching the box as she "helped carry" it.

Logan helped me set up the tree, mentioning how he just did this with Cynthia, asking me if Gemma was going to put the tree topper on.

"Can you reach it? I can't" I asked, fluffing out the branches.

"Yeah I can reach it, what topper did you get? Did you get an ugly angel like mom has?" He chuckled.

"Hey! Mom loves that angel! And tree angel toppers aren't ugly! Mom's is just old"

"Well... did you?"

"Yes" I shamefully admitted, Logan chuckling as I dug it out of the bag, showing him.

"I'm sorry but dolls are just creepy" he shook his head, hooking another ornament oh three.

"You literally have a daughter whose obsessed with baby dolls"

Not long after the girls came strolling out, wanting to help.

They put the decorations as high as they could reach, making the bottom of the tree cluttered compared to the top.

"Pwetty?" Gemma asked, looking over at me.

"It's very pretty lovebug"

"We-ah!" Harper yelled, showing me the chocolate lab figurine Gemma picked out. "Brown ike me!" She exclaimed, melting my heart.

"The puppy does have a familiar color to you, doesn't it? You know what else you have in common with the puppy?" I asked, "You're both so cute!" I squished my niece into a hug, loving her little giggle,

"Mama es I bown ike her! I no ow-n like emma!" She pointed at Gemma who was obvious to everything around her as Logan handed her ornaments.

"You are brown like mommy" I nodded, "Your skin is very beautiful baby. Mine is pale and icky" I wrinkled my nose, making her laugh.

"Am-ah eye me baby doll ike me!" she boasted, pointing at herself.

I loved listening to her talk, and watching her explore the world in her own way.

Harper was very different compared to Gemma, but they still shared the same curiosity similarities, just Harper was more tame about her findings, and it took a little more prodding to get a giggle or a flash of excitement.

"Momma? Etty ights ease!" Gemma asked, pointing at the tree.

I handed her the remote, letting her choose which color, when I heard the front door open, my whole body freezing.

"Coco!" Gemma shrieked, taking off toward my fiancée, my body cringing out of anticipation of his reaction. "Momma buy pwetty ights!" I heard her say and I wanted the couch to swallow me hole.

Fuck!

Please don't be pissed. Please don't be pissed. Please don't be pissed.

I saw him enter the room, his eyes widening as she turned on the lights, his blue eyes snapping to me immediately.

Shit Shit Shit Shit

I waited for him to speak, but he just headed down the hall instead.

Fuck.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked, Logan shaking his head.

"Gotta get back home to the wife. She's making this little one's favorite"

Logan and Harper big their goodbyes after I thanked them for their Help, Gemma informing me she had to pee.

I let her flush the toilet and she immediately asked if she could have a puffy.

"Yes G, but just one!" I warned, following her to her jar in the kitchen.

She dug out a purple one, throwing it into the jar of other purple puffs, claiming she needed to go in order by color, and that purple must go first.

Gemma helped me make dinner, and I still hadn't heard from Colby which was beginning go worry me.

Was he really that pissed at me?

It's a Christmas tree! Where is the harm in that?

Gemma out her silicone plate placemat on the table, climbing up into her chair as I dished out her food.

"Coco join?" She asked.

"I don't know baby"

"Why? Coco always eats with me" she frowned.

"I think he's moody baby"

"Why? I no do nothin" she immediately shook her head, making me smile.

"I know, just eat your dinner okay?" I kissed the top of her head, moving her hair out of her face.

The apartment was quiet, and I hated it.

It was too quiet.

The kind of quiet where you wanted to play noise just to fill the uncomfortable silence.

I picked at my food whilst Gemma gobbled hers down, asking for seconds.

I was scooping more food onto her plate when Colby entered the kitchen, silently opening the fridge.

I kept my back to him, hearing him open and close drawers.

"Leighton?" He spoke up, almost making me jump out of surprise.

"Yeah?"

"Where is the bottle opener?" He asked, getting me to turn around, my forehead wrinkling out of confusion.

"I don't know. You put it away"

"Well it's not there"

"Okay? So why would I know? I don't use it"

He gave me a look, one I've seen one too many times on my ex.

He didn't believe me.

"I'm not in the mood for your bullshit right now. Where is it?" he asked, shocking me.

"Language! Little ears!" I hissed, motioning towards Gemma who was watching us.

"Coco eat with me?" She asked, frowning when he ignored her, rapidly opening and closing drawers.

"Leighton!" He groaned, slamming a drawer shut, both Gemma and I jumping.

"What? I don't freaking know! You had it"

He rolled his eyes, opening the fridge and putting something back and walking out.

"Coco moody" Gemma muttered, pushing her food around.

When bedtime came, I threw stuff into the dryer, wiping down the kitchen counters and just trying to keep myself busy since Colby had locked himself in our bedroom.

Was he really this upset over a damn tree?

I was apprehensive to walk into my own bedroom which pissed me off immensely.

I walked into the room, seeing Colby laying in bed on his laptop.

"Are you going to talk to me anytime soon?" I asked, my arms crossing over my chest as I stared him down.

"You went behind my back" he muttered, not looking up from the screen.

Oh my god.

"It's a fucking Christmas tree, you scrooge! It's not hurting anyone! What's so wrong about putting up a damn tree full of fucking joy?!"

He looked up at me over his screen, "I told you I didn't want to do it, and you did it anyway"

"You didn't even have to help!"

"That's not the point Leighton!"

"What is so bad about me putting up a tree?"

"What if I wanted to help?"

"Oh fuck off! You didn't want to do one in the first fucking place! I'm so fucking tired of your pity party! I can't do shit without you moping around! Oh poor Colby, he didn't get his fucking way! Feel so sorry for him, OVER A DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE!"

"That's not the point Leighton! You went behind my back and did it anyway, instead of consulting me!"

"You already said no!"

"Exactly!" He exclaimed and I rolled my eyes, letting out a puff of hair through my nose. "You didn't take my opinion at all into consideration"

"YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT!"

"But you did it anyway! If I knew you were going to do it anyway, I would've liked to help"

"Oh my god" I groaned, my head starting to hurt from his conflicting answers. "Are you pissed about the tree, the fact that I went behind your back, or the fact that you didn't get to help?"

"All of the above"

I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts, speaking slowly, "I understand you don't want to unpack just to pack again, and if that's the only reason... I'll do it. It's not that big of a deal. I'm sorry I went behind your back and got the tree, but I really didn't see the problem in putting up a tree and I'm sorry I didn't include you in the process" I apologized, Colby shutting his laptop, swinging his legs off the bed and walking over towards me.

"I'm not a scrooge. I'm just overwhelmed, I'm sorry" he apologized, his hands slipping to my waist, leaning his head down to rest his forehead against mine.

"There are still some ornaments left if you would like to help?" I asked him, Colby cracking a smile on his face as he leaned down to kiss me.

"That sounds like fun, thank you" 

* * * * 

And so it begins! Buckle up ;)

Written on: January 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th 2023

Published on: January 24th 2023

Word Count: 7018

Part two

[britswriting]

Desire (45)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Warning: Sexual Content, anxiety attack

I've missed my main bitch! Let's goo!

*Leighton's POV*

"You don't think it's too corny?" I asked Aaliyah over facetime, flipping the camera back to show my face, eyeing my basket of cliché romance crap.

"Leigh, he'll drop his pants the second he sees this shit! We both know it! He's been practically begging you to wine and dine him, he'll love it!" She continued to encourage me.

"Do you think he'll make fun of me for getting sparkling juice? Should I buy him wine? I don't know what kind of wine he likes though" I worried, scanning the signs above the aisles.

"Babes, he loves you. I doubt he'll care if it's wine or fizzy apple juice in his cup" She teased and I groaned.

"I don't know how to do this Aaliyah! Colby was the one who did the romantic shit-" I complained, Aaliyah interrupting me, "So now it's your turn! 50/50 remember" and I sighed, "But it's so hard! I don't know what he likes"

"That's the fun of dating Leighton! You get to learn and explore each other" She smirked, my ears getting warm, glancing around me, subconsciously turning down my phone volume.

"Aaliyah, shut up!" I hissed, rolling my eyes at her snickering.

"Bubs, it isn't hard. If you think it's cute, or could taste good, or be fun to do, buy it. Do it. Have fun. Dates are fun!"

"Do I need to plan multiple actives? Like a birthday party?"

She laughed, and I felt extremely embarrassed as she spoke, regretting even asking for her help. "Cook him something, or order something. Maybe buy a treat, you got the sparkling juice and you're going to watch a movie, no? You're fine"

"So I don't need like a game.. or puzzle or something?"

"If you want to do that whilst watching a movie, go ahead, but you're just fine cuddling on the couch and watching a movie"

"Alright.. I'll text you later with some photos of the set up"

"Alright, good luck babes! He'll love it!"

"Love you bye-"

"Bye-"

"-WAIT!" I spoke frantically, getting glances from the people around me.

"What?"

"Do I cook with him, or do I cook for him?"

"Does he like cooking with you?"

"He said he wanted to learn.."

"Like you're a good chef!" She laughed and I pouted.

"I'm trying!"

"That's so cute! You're trying together!" She squealed, grinning at me, "Most men want it cooked for them, but you could do it together if you wanted to add another activity"

~

"Fuck this shit" I hissed, balling up the fairy lights and throwing them onto the floor.

Stupid Colby wanting stupid romantic bullshit.

I was trying to prep my apartment for tonight, and it wasn't going well.

I spent the past twenty minutes trying to hang those cute lights, wanting to make my apartment look like Pinterest, but I was not a Pinterest bitch, clearly, since the lights were now balled up in front of me.

I stared down at the lights, feeling defeated and determined all at the same time.

I was determined to make it look cute in here, but I was pissed off that it was so hard to do.

I glanced at my phone, groaning when I saw it was 3:20. Gemma was going to wake up soon, and I haven't made any progress with decorating this place.

I Swiffer swept the floors before she got up, wanting to try and at least make my apartment look presentable.

Gemma woke up in an independent mood, meaning no snuggles, no down time and straight into play and snacks. I walked into my living room after washing a few dishes, taking a deep breath when I saw a mess of toys, seeing her sitting in the middle of them, digging through a bin.

I just cleaned in there.

"Mama?" She called, turning to look for me, surprised to see me looking at her.

"Yes baby?"

"Banky?" She frowned, looking back down at her toys.

"What blanket?"

"Banky?"

"Fuzzy blanket or Coco's blanket?" I asked, her face lighting up at his name.

"Coco!" She squealed, leaning forward to press her hands against the plush rug, pushing herself up onto her feet.

"You want Coco's blanket, or to see Coco?"

"Coco!" She squealed, running over to me, crashing into my legs, my hands resting against her back before she could fall.

"It's in your crib love bug" I told her, Gemma immediately turning around to run down the hallway.

I giggled to myself at the way she ran, bouncing at her closed door, waiting for me.

With her koala blanket in hand, we went to the kitchen where I plopped her into the standing High Chair Logan had bought us, Gemma's hands slapping the counter as she leaned forward.

"Gonna help mama make Coco dinner before dada comes to get you?" I asked, opening the fridge to grab the thawed chicken and some of the veggies I needed to chop.

With the cutting board placed in front of Gemma, I grabbed one of the kid knives my mom had bought her, handing it to her which she immediately grabbed, hitting the plastic cutting board with it.

I placed a few mushrooms in front of Gemma so she could "cut" them, helping me as I sliced the veggies, tossing them into a pan.

"You're doing so well baby" I smiled down at her, loudly laughing when she touched the mushroom, squirming and squealing at the feel. "AHH!" She yelled, shoving it away.

"Not a mushroom fan? It's okay, neither is Papa" I smiled at her, taking a few of the mushrooms out of the container and slicing them, adding them to the veggie mixture. "Want to try zucchini baby?" I asked, grabbing one of the scraps and offering it to her.

She happily put it in her mouth, and immediately spat it out.

"Is it yucky?" I giggled, watching her face contort into confused anger. "Here, want something yummy?" I asked, quickly moved to the fridge, grabbing the container of pre cut strawberries, rinsing off a few, slicing each slice into fours, passing them over to her.

Gemma watched me slice the chicken breast into chunks, giggling when they plopped into the pan, sizzling.

"Do you like cooking Gem?" I asked, noticing the way she was intently watching, wanting to help and how vocal she was being during the process.

I loved hearing her giggles whilst I cooked, or the way she tried to help. It was so surreal watching her help me with such tasks.

It reminded me that I made this little human, who was quite in fact a real human.

I made this giggling mess of cuteness, and here she was watching me cook and helping me cut mushrooms.

I moved her over towards the stove, a safe distance from the burners as I cooked the chicken and veggies, pouring the rice into the pot.

Once dinner was done, I cut one of the pieces of chicken into small pieces, dishing a little bit of the rice into a bowl and slicing some of the cooked veggies, offering her a bowl of the prepared dinner for Colby and I. After all, she was the sous chef, she deserved to try it.

"Yummy? Did we do good, baby?, Think Coco is gonna like it?" I took her silence as a compliment, giggling at how she was shoveling the rice into her mouth. "I think it's safe to say you like it G" I laughed, grabbing a spoon to try the rice myself, hoping I didn't over cook it.

"Mm!" I hummed at her, Gemma grinning back at me, her baby spoon clutched in her hand as the opposite hand dug in the small bowl.

I made sure Gemma was packed, letting her pick out her pajamas before Gabe got here, Gemma pouting when she had to go.

"Coco?" She whined, Gabe holding her on his hip, her weekend bag in his other hand.

"You'll see Coco some other day, okay?" I reassured, hoping she'll leave tears free this time.

"Coco!" She whined, Gabe eyeing me.

Gabe and I eventually caved, waiting for Colby to get here so Gemma could see him before she left.

I buzzed him up, waiting by the door.

When I opened the door, I heard my daughter gasp, her bare feet slapping against the wood floor as she ran to the door, yelling "Coco!", Colby grinning when he saw her.

"Gem Gem! Hi baby" He greeted, crouching to hug her.

"She's been waiting" I informed him, nodding towards Gabe who was sitting on my couch, scrolling through his phone. "She's supposed to be at daddy's house, but I uh.. told her you were coming, and she held protest"

Colby gave Gemma a bit of attention before Gabe got up, announcing they should get going so he could give Gemma dinner and bathe her before bed.

"No go!" She cried, Colby handing her off to Gabe.

"I'll see you again Gem Gem" Colby reassured her, tears collecting in her eyes.

I hated seeing her cry.

She cried every single time she left with Gabe, and it killed all three of us.

Once my unhappy child was out the door, I let out a sigh, hating that she was upset.

"She'll be okay. She's getting used to it, remember?" Colby reassured me and I nodded, not feeling any better though.

Colby pulled me into a hug, and I rested my head against his chest as he held me in the entryway for a minute.

"She'll have a good time" he reassured me again, pressing a kiss against my head.

I instantly remembered we had made dinner, pushing myself away from him and rushing to the kitchen.

Colby called after me, following me into the kitchen as I turned the burner from low to off, moving the pan of chicken away from the warm burner.

"Gem and I made you dinner" I informed, turning everything off that was keeping it warm.

"You made me dinner? Leigh" He asked, his tone sounding regretful, but I ignored it, stirring the rice.

"I uh.. sort of planned a night for us?" I turned around, leaning against the counter next to the stove.

"A night together? Why didn't you tell me? I could've brought something"

"Wanted it to be a surprise" I muttered, embarrassed by this whole ordeal.

"Baby" he sighed, guilt masking his facial features.

"What?"

"I ate before I came, I didn't know" He frowned, my face dropping.

"Oh"

"I'm sorry. If I would've known-"

"No, it's okay. I'll just uh.." I paused, turning around and grabbing a single plate to dish myself food.

I was so stupid.

This is why I don't do romantic shit, or surprises.

"Leighton" he spoke up, but I ignored him, using tongs to place some of the veggies on my plate.

a/n: Hibachi chicken fried rice via 40aprons.com 

His arms wrapped around my waist, his head leaning down to the crook of my neck, murmuring "I'm sorry" into my ear, placing a kiss against the vein of my neck.

"It's fine, let me just put this away" I wiggled out of his grasp, setting my plate onto the counter and digging in my cupboard for a few containers, not wanting the food to spoil.

"It looks delicious, can I try it before you put it away?" He asked and I shrugged, nodding.

"Bowl or plate?"

"Plates fine"

I nodded, passing him a plate, grabbing us each a fork.

Colby dished himself a smaller portion, asking what the sauce was.

"it's like a sweet and spicy creamy sauce"

"So you planned us a surprise?" he asked, sitting down next to me at the table.

"I was trying to be romantic" I mumbled, feeling stupid.

"So what was your original plan before I ruined it?" He asked, his eyes on me. I placed the fork into my mouth, the hair on my neck standing up as I blushed, looking away and moving the fork back down to the plate.

"Well uh.. I made you dinner, trying to be nice.. was gonna sit on the couch and eat it whilst we watched a movie. You said you wanted to cuddle and watch movies and stuff.. so I thought I'd try.. didn't uh.. didn't know I needed to warn you before hand"

"We can still do that Leighton; this tastes good by the way. Remind me to tell Gem she did a good job" He smiled over at me, scooping some of the rice onto his fork, making me laugh when he picked a piece of chicken up with his fingers, placing it on his fork.

"So that's where G gets it from" I teased, stabbing a few of the veggies.

"What do you mean?"

"She's been trying to use her utensils more, she does that. She'll place her food on top" I giggled, memories of Gemma becoming frustrated when the food fell off every time she scooped, all of it landing on her bib and tray before it made it to her mouth.

"It's called quick thinking" he grinned, making me let out a breathy laugh.

It felt good to sit with him at the table, eating the food I had made, even if he did eat beforehand.

Colby even helped me clean up the kitchen. I washed he dried, and helped put it away, making it go by quicker. When we moved to the living room, I sat down and started putting Gemma's toys back into her bin, when I heard him go, "Leighton, what's this?" making me peak around the couch.

"Oh. Fairy lights"

"What are they doing on the floor?"

"I was trying to make the living room pretty, and got frustrated" I confessed, chucking the singular Barbie doll into the bin, rolling my eyes at how many times I've stepped on it in the middle of the night.

Somehow Colby got me to agree to letting him help me put them up, telling me to consider it as an apology for eating before he got here.

I stood on one side of the TV, Colby on the other as we tried to drape the lights around, both of us getting frustrated when it would slip down the wall.

"This is bullshit. Where do you buy these?" He asked, annoyed as he tried to get them to stay again.

"The dollar store"

"Well no shit they suck"

"Hey! I'm broke!"

"Baby, if you wanted fairy lights, you could've asked. I would've happily ordered you some" He laughed, both of us giving up on them, the lights ending up in a pile on the floor again.

I watched Colby pull out his phone, a few minutes going by before he handed it over.

"Pick some out, I'll buy them" He said, showing me his Amazon account with "Fairy Lights" typed into the search bar.

When he saw I picked the cheapest ones, he rolled his eyes.

"We're getting the fancy remote control ones. Just remember to bring them with you when we move in together" He said nonchalantly, my body freezing as I looked over at him.

"Moving in together?" I asked, Colby glancing over his phone at me.

"At some point" He nodded, agreeing with himself.

I stayed quiet, taking a seat on the couch when I remembered I bought the sparkling cider.

Sadly I didn't own any wine glasses, so I pulled out some small water glasses, tearing the wrapping off and popping the bottle open, listening to it fizz.

With two glasses in hand, I made it back to the couch, setting them down on the glass coffee table.

"What's that?" He asked, the clink of the glass on glass catching his attention.

"Sparkling juice"

"Why?" He laughed, a frown on my face. "No, I wasn't making fun of you! I mean why did you buy it? Out of curiosity" he tried to cover his ass, but I still felt stupid. "Leighton" He sighed, slipping his phone into his pocket and moving to be closer to me.

"No! This was stupid. I was stupid. I'm sorry" I rushed, pushing myself off the sofa and b-lining it towards the bathroom.

Not only did I really have to pee, but I wanted to get away from the situation.

Mid pee, there was a knock on the door, followed by a "Leighton, please come out" making me sigh.

I wiped and flushed, turning on the tap as I soaped up my hands, another knock on the door. "Leighton? Baby? Please come out, it wasn't stupid, I promise" He tried again, but I kept my head down, watching the soap suds rinse away, not wanting to look at my reflection in the mirror.

I wasn't mad that he had eaten before, or that he thought the juice was silly, hell even I thought it was silly. I was just... it sucked feeling like I actually tried, and it wasn't worth it.

I never did this shit with Gabe, and I was extremely nervous of doing something wrong, and disappointing Colby, knowing he did have some sort of expectation, and it felt like that happened.

I failed him. Again.

I twisted the knob, hearing the lock pop, and Colby let out a breath of relief as I opened the door.

"I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" I confessed, reminding myself that we needed to communicate better.

"I'm sorry" He apologized again, my eyes staring at the black socks on his feet, not wanting to look him in the eye.

"No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have-" I started, but he cut me off, shaking his head.

"No. It was mine. I do want this sort of stuff, and I'm really thankful you did make dinner, and I love that you bought us sparkling cider. I love that you bought fairy lights to try and make it look cute. I love you for that, and I'm sorry if you thought I didn't care, or want to. I didn't know you had gotten the juice for tonight. I wasn't expecting any of this, that was all. I'm sorry for ruining your plans" He apologized profusely.

"I just wanted to surprise you" I pouted, wanting to kick myself to the curb for being so fucking stupid. "Wanted to make you happy" I pathetically confessed, Colby's hands cupping my jaw, placing a sweet, lingering kiss against my lips.

"You make me very happy Leighton Rae, and I'm very appreciative of the effort you put into tonight. It isn't ruined, I promise. What did you have planned for us to watch?" He asked, clearly trying to bring me back to my excitement before he crushed my dreams.

"Well I don't own a DVD player, so I figured we could watch something on Netflix?"

"You want to Netflix and Chill?" He teased, and I narrowed my eyes at him, his lips tugging into a smirk.

"You never want to have sex with me"

"That's not true" He gasped.

I cocked an eyebrow, "Every time I tried, you turned me down"

Colby shook his head at me, intertwining our hands and dragging me to the living room.

With the lights off and two comfy blankets in our laps, Leigh handed me the sparkling juice and we scrolled through Netflix.

It felt nice to lay in the dimly lit room, Colby's arm draped over my shoulder as I tucked into his chest.

Halfway through the movie I felt my eyes droop, so I drank more of the juice, hoping the carbonation burn would wake me up a little bit.

"You can sleep Leighton" Colby spoke softly, his breath hitting the top of my hair. "You've had a long day, you don't need to stay awake for the movie"

I allowed my eyes to close, listening to Colby's heartbeat, the sound of the movie becoming more and more distant.

~

It felt nice to lay in the dimly lit room, Colby's arm draped over my shoulder as I tucked into his chest.

Halfway through the movie I felt my eyes droop, so I drank more of the juice, hoping the carbonation burn would wake me up a little bit.

"You can sleep Leighton" Colby spoke softly, his breath hitting the top of my hair. "You've had a long day, you don't need to stay awake for the movie"

I allowed my eyes to close, listening to Colby's heartbeat, the sound of the movie becoming more and more distant.

~

I woke up in my bed, snuggled close to the heat source, one eye popping open, being met with Colby's bare chest.

He was laying on his back, his head turned away from me as he softly breathed through his mouth, his chest slowly rising and falling with each inhale he took.

He looked so pretty and snuggly.

I slowly shifted, careful to not wake him, placing a soft kiss against his heart tattoo, murmuring "I love you" against his skin before carefully moving out of bed.

Freshly showered, I slipped Colby's hoodie over my naked chest, digging through my drawer for sexier underwear, mentally sighing when I realized I needed to buy more now that I was dating somebody.

I slipped a dark blue thong on, digging through a lower drawer for some shorts.

Annoyingly Colby's hoodie wasn't long enough to cover my ass. Problems with having a skinny boyfriend, and having wide hips, and thick thighs. Their shit doesn't fit how you wish it would.

I wanted to look cute, or sexy or whatever, but that apparently wasn't in the cards for today as I pinched the shorts on my butt, adjusting how they sat, having pulled them up too far.

"Babe? What are you doing?" He stifled a laugh, yawning as his eyes squinted close, shifting so he was leaning on his elbows, watching me pull the shorts off.

"Trying to find something to wear" I grumbled, tugging his hoodie off and chucking it at him.

I felt his eyes burn into my naked back as I adjusted my thong on my hip bones.

I found dark gray, stretchy shorts, slipping those on and retying the strings, digging through a different drawer for a bra, seeing as I wasn't going to be wearing his hoodie now.

"You've given me quite the show this morning" he teased, my hand instinctively giving him the middle finger.

I heard the bed squeak before feeling arms wrap around my midsection.

"Good morning Leigh" He murmured, contorting his body to kiss me. "These shorts are reminding me of those red ones you wore" He mumbled, his thumbs going into the waistband, pulling them up higher before letting go and smacking my ass.

"Hey!" I shrieked, spinning around to face him.

"Payback!"

"For what?!"

"All the times you've smacked my ass"

I pouted, my hands snaking around his waist, squeezing his ass.

He cocked an eyebrow at me and I shrugged, leaning up on my tip toes, our lips brushing as I muttered, "girlfriend tax" before kissing him, squeezing his ass one more and slipping out of his grasp, quickly running to the kitchen before he could retaliate.

I dug out two bowls, grabbing cereal and milk, leaving out the options for Colby as I poured mine into my bowl, huffing when a few landed on the floor.

"Pick your poison" I motioned to the boxes, Colby reaching for the Coco Pebbles which made me smile.

"What's the plan for today? I leave tomorrow" He asked, taking the spoon from my hand and moving to the table whilst I put the boxes away.

"Well I have to FaceTime Gemma soon, and Cynthia invited me over for dinner, so I have about" I paused, turning to look at the clock on the microwave, "7 hours to be with you, unless you leave early. Do you have plans?"

"We have a night shoot at 8, other than that, I'm all yours"

"Have you figured out what we're doing for Katrina's birthday?" I asked, wincing when the chair made an awful squeak sound, scooting it against the tile floor. "That's what.. in a week?" I asked, Colby nodding.

"I'm not sure what she's doing. She was debating going to her dad's house, but who knows"

Later that afternoon, Colby and I decided to go hiking together, which honestly I should've known didn't mean actual hiking.

"Colby, this isn't even a trail anymore" I huffed, annoyed that I've almost twisted my ankle twice now.

This was not in the fine print when we agreed on going hiking.

"Careful it's steep" He warned, slipping a little down the hill. "Here, wait" He spoke up, getting his footing and offering me his hand. "Careful" He reminded again and I nodded, my hand deathly clutching his, Colby grabbing my waist so If I slipped I didn't go down.

"This is stupid" I muttered, Colby chuckling, making sure I was stable before letting go.

"We don't have to if you don't want to" He reminded me, stepping over a log, offering me his hand again.

"It's not that.. I just don't want to fuck over my ankles today"

"Well don't fall" He teased and I glared.

"Fuck you"

"Glady, when and where?"

"Shut up. You know, the last time I did this, I think it was Molly? She busted her ankle and my pregnant ass had to carry her to the car" I huffed, horrible flashbacks playing through my head. "I really thought I was gonna die that day" I laughed, my hand clutching Colby's shoulder from behind, not wanting to be left behind whilst he got excited over wherever we were going.

"Well if I bust my ankle, good luck" he grinned at me, laughing at my narrowed eyes.

"That's not funny"

"It's a little funny"

"Shut your mouth Brock, be careful!" I warned, annoyed by the smile on his face.

"I'm always careful"

"Mhm, that's why you broke your leg. You're always careful"

"Hey! It's healed now" He shook his leg at me.

"Let's not risk it, yeah?" I asked, already knowing he wasn't going to listen to me.

"No promises" He grinned and I groaned.

~

"Well, what do you think?" He asked.

"Looks like a bunch of trees to me" I replied, looking around at the woods we were now standing in. "Planning on murdering me here?" I asked, turning to look back at him.

"How did you know? I worked my ass off to get you to date me, so now that you are, I'm going to chop you up into little pieces and sprinkle you beneath our feet" He motioned towards the leaves, looking down, taking a few small steps back.

"Will you at least fuck me first?" I asked, Colby letting out a choked laugh, his jaw dropping a little.

"Leighton!"

"What?"

"What, you just want me to pound you right here? And then brutally murder you?"

"Well no one said it had to be brutal. Now you're just ad libbing. Got something you need to get off your chest, Colby?" I teased, my hands on my hips.

"Yeah I've been having dreams where I bring you out into the woods and then I fuck you, and chop you into tiny pieces and scatter you around. Ya know, feed the animals? Reduce, reuse, recycle" He mocked, his cheeks tightening as he tried not to laugh.

"Shut up" I giggled, moving to wrap my arms around his waist, giving him a quick peck, trying to pull away only for his hands to tighten around my waist, keeping me close.

"I'm going to need a proper kiss before I let you go" He hummed to me, my head tilting.

"But I just did?"

He shook his head. "I'm going to need a cock hardening kiss baby girl"

"A what?" I laughed, my hand sliding down his chest, resting on his lower abdomen, smirking when I felt his core flex under my touch.

"Give me your best shot" He said, his pupils dilating, my heart racing.

I locked eyes with him, biting my lower lip and slowly trailing my hand down to his dick, only for Colby's hand to grab my wrist, our hands resting right in front of his dick as he whispered "That's cheating", my stomach flipping and my cheeks becoming red.

He brought my hand up to his shoulder, placing my arms around his neck, his hands holding my waist. "If you can get me hard by your kiss, I'll fuck you right here, right now" He promises, my eyes widening.

"In the woods?!" I whisper yelled, turning my head to look around us.

"Nobodies here"

"So you won't fuck me in the privacy of your bedroom, but you'll drop your pants and dick me down in the woods?!" He just smirked. "Cole!"

"Don't act like you don't want to"

"You're an exhibitionist?"

He cocked an eyebrow, "You're not?"

"Well.. I.."

He smirked.

"You're wasting precious time baby"

"Oh fuck off" I grumbled, pulling him closer to me, letting my tongue wet his lower lip before kissing him softly.

I wanted to start soft and slow, create anticipation in hopes that it would work him up quicker.

I let my hands snake to his hair, pulling softly, hearing him let out a soft groan when I slipped my tongue past his lips, allowing our tongues to move together, keeping it soft, slow and sweet.

My hands ran back down to his neck, softly grazing the shell of his ear before running down his shoulders to his chest, my feet falling to the ground, Colby having to lean down so I could reach, making my stomach flutter.

I bit his lip, pulling a little before sucking on his lower lip, a low moan making his adams apple bop. I whimpered, making Colby practically growl against me, feeling him start to become hard against my thigh.

He loves my noises, noted.

I amped it up a bit, moaning out of delight when his tongue brushed against mine, his hands slipping down to my ass, squeezing which made me moan louder and unintentionally rut against him.

Within 2 minutes he was practically humping my leg, a smug smirk on my face as I pulled away, both of us becoming breathless.

"I win" I huffed, grinning at how flush his face was.

He didn't even reply, pulling me back into his chest, kissing me hard, his hands going under my ass to pick me up, my legs wrapping around his waist, Colby groaning when his cock rubbed against my crotch.

"Colby" I mumbled, pulling away and letting him attack my neck so I could breathe and talk.

"Hm?" He hummed against my neck, a soft moan leaving my lips as I rolled my head to the side, his tongue running over the sore skin.

"I haven't- Ooh" I breathed, feeling him smirk against my neck. "I haven't had sex.. in.. a while" I warned, my breathing becoming heavier, gasping when his tongue hit my ear before his teeth pulled at my earlobe, kissing behind my ear. "I might not.. be able.. to take.. take you." I got out, my hips grinding against him, Colby groaning at the friction.

"Just means I'll need to get you nice and wet" He spoke in a low hum, my pussy starting to throb, making me press down hard against him. "God" He groaned, his hands squeezing my ass, pushing me harder against his bulge as he grinded into me.

I felt my back hit tree bark, wincing at how rough it was.

"Careful" I murmured, my eyes closing, trying to hold back a moan that was threatening to spill from my vocal cords.

"I'm sorry baby, here" He turned around, his back hitting the tree.

His hand slipped into my athletic shorts, pushing my underwear out of the way before brushing over my clit, his blue eyes darkening as his finger slid through my folds.

"Leighton, you're plenty wet. I don't think you'll have any problem taking me" He said, his finger pressing into my clit.

I leaned forward, biting the top of his shoulder to muffle my moan.

His middle finger slowly pushed into me, my lips parting as Colby's eyes closed, subconsciously rutting down against his finger.

"Leigh, you're tight, I'm going to need to finger you for a minute" He said softly, his arm flexing under me, shifting his grasp which made his finger go deeper, his thumb brushing against my clit.

"Jesus Christ" I exhaled, rocking my hips against his hand. "Add another, please" I begged, leaving a lingering kiss against his collarbone, trying to stay quiet.

I ended up coming undone on his fingers, Colby slipping them out of my pants, bringing them up to my lips. "Since you have a hand kink" He muttered, slipping his fingers into my mouth, his eyes rolling back when my tongue intactly swirled around each digit, flicking the tip of his finger with my tongue.

My feet touched the ground so Colby could unbutton his jeans, shimmying them down to just under his ass.

"Baby, I'm not going to last long. I haven't had sex in over a year, and I really don't want to think about anything other than you and risk going flaccid" He said honestly, rolling his eyes when I laughed.

"Colby, we're in the fucking woods. If you think we're having sex for anything longer than like 10 minutes, we're going home" I teased, tugging his underwear down, one hand finding his cock, the other squeezing his ass, our eyes finding each other as I grinned, Colby shaking his head.

"You're addicted to my ass, I swear"

"Would you let me peg you?" I asked, his eyes going wide as my hand pumped his cock, my thumb gliding over his slit, watching him shudder and moan.

"Wh-what?" He choked out, his eyes popping open. "Why the fuck- oh god" He groaned, precum slipping out of his slit and running down the underside of his dick, right over the vein. "Fuck" he low groaned, my clit throbbing at the sound of his moan.

There is nothing hotter than when a guy moans under your touch.

It's a two way street.

"Would you let me peg you?" I asked again, crouching down to lick the precum away, wishing I could blow him till he came, but my cunt was craving him.

"Absolutely not"

"Why not?" I asked, before taking him deep in my throat, Colby loudly groaning, his hand wrapping around my high pony, pulling me off his cock.

"I need to be inside of you, now" he demanded quietly, his hand tugging at his cock.

I swear I was going to drip down my thighs at the sight of him jerking off his cock right in front of me.

I pulled my underwear off from under my shorts, sticking it in Colby's back jean pocket, hooking my right leg over his hip as my hand leaned against the tree bark next to his head; Colby's arm going under my knee to keep my leg up, his hand dipping into my shorts from the leg, flicking my clit, which made me bite my lip to hold back a loud moan, groaning from the pleasure of him rubbing my clit, and the pain of how hard I was biting my lip.

I grinded my soaked crotch against his hand, whining when he slipped his hand out of my shorts, his wet fingers running over the tip of his cock before lining it up with my center and slowly pushing the tip in, both of us groaning.

"You're so tight, jesus christ" He groaned, his eyes squeezing shut as my left hand gripped his bicep, keeping steady.

"Tell me if it hurts, okay?" He said and I nodded, Colby pushing himself in deeper, going slow, his eyes scanning my face before he fully bottomed out in me, our lips attaching to cover our loud groans and moans.

He rocked his hips slowly against me, not moving that far out as he pushed back in.

"You're not allowed to cum in me brock" I warned, "I'm not on birth control yet. That shit's expensive"

"I'm sure you have some other warm hole I can release into" He spoke with a rough voice, his hips moving a little quicker as I reciprocated the movements, swiveling my hips with his thrust, both of us moaning loudly, Colby's hand coming up to my throat, holding lightly, leaning in to kiss me.

"Gotta be quiet baby"

His hips snapped hard against me, making me whine out in pain.

"Shit, sorry baby" He kissed my cheek down to my neck, sucking on the prominent vein.

He moved slower, practically growling when his name fell from my lips repeatedly, followed by a few colorful words as my stomach tightened.

"I'm so close, fuck" I groaned, moving my hips faster, Colby's hand dropping from my neck to my breasts, squeezing and pinching my erect nipples.

"Can you... fuck. Can you.." I paused, moving my hand to lift my tank top up and pull my sports bra down so my left boob was exposed to him. "Suck me please, god they're so sensitive, please" I begged, the nub rolling between my fingers as he groaned and rocked his hips quicker, his head dropping to attach his lips to my nipple.

Even though I stopped breastfeeding, they were still very sensitive to the touch and with Colby sucking my nipple and rubbing my clit as we grinded together, I listened to him encourage me to cum as my head dropped forward, my knees buckling and my stomach tightening. "Fuck, I'm going to cum" I cried out, Colby sucking harder on my nipple, as one hand played with my clit and the other squeezed my ass.

"Fuck, Colby! Shit, shit, wait, oh fuck. Stop, wait-" I cried out, my legs wobbling, my right leg aching.

Colby immediately stopped, a whine leaving my lips when his hips stilled.

"What's wrong?"

"My leg hurts, it's like cramping. Fuck please- Ah I'm so close to cumming it's not even funny" I whined, trying to rock my hips forward, but his hands held them steady.

He let my leg fall, slipping out of me, ignoring my protest as he tugged off his hoodie, laying it down on the ground.

"Here, lay your back on that"

I gave him a weird look, hesitantly sitting down, my shoulder blade hitting a rock, causing me to shift.

Colby dropped to his knees, tugging my shorts to my ankles, my knees propped up as he slowly pushed back into me, working his hips back to his quick past.

My back arched off the ground as he repeatedly hit my g-spot.

"Fuck, your knees! You're gonna.. get.. oh god Colby!, You're gonna get cuts!"

"I. Don't. Care." he breathed out with his thrusts, my legs starting to shake as I whined, not caring who heard me.

It felt too good to care.

"Let go Leigh, give me your cum. Cover my cock in your beautiful cum, mark me baby. You're so close, I can see it in your fast, your clit is fucking quivering baby, drench me babygirl" He encouraged, my hips freezing as I started to crumble, crying as he kept attacking my most sensitive areas. "Look at me Leighton, let me watch you cum" He breathed out, his arms resting by my shoulders, our eyes holding their stare as I bit my lip, my face scrunching up.

"Colby! I can't! Fuck I want to, but I can't!" I cried out, struggling to keep them open due to the immense pleasures, finally letting go and feeling myself start to run down my center and around his cock.

I felt the warm liquid drench my folds and run to the crease of my thigh, opening my eyes to see Colby watching me.

"Leighton, where do you want me to cum? If I don't stop I will cum in you" He warned, struggling to breath as he pulled out of me, both of us whining and groaning at the loss of contact.

"Cum on me, I don't care" I breathed out, my back arching as I rocked my hips, hating that I wasn't full of him anymore.

I watched him jerk off his cock, my fingers running through my juices and playing with my clit, feeling another orgasm build as I watched Colby's head roll back, letting out struggling breaths before a loud groan fell from his lips and his thick cum landed on my stomach.

I could hear my wrist snapping from how quick I was rubbing my clit, moaning and groaning as I felt this immense pressure build in my stomach.

"Keep fisting your cock, I'm so close" I breathed out, not daring to look him in the eye, feeling extremely embarrassed that I was getting off to watching him jerk off.

Thankfully he didn't make any comments about it, groaning as he ran his fingers over his sensitive slit and before I knew it, I squirted all over his stomach, my eyes squeezed shut as I whimpered and whined.

I knew my back was going to hurt like hell tomorrow, based off the hard ground and how arched it had been, but it was worth it.

"Open your eyes Leighton Rae, look at your cum run down my stomach to my aching cock, it's so pretty baby" Colby spoke, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I opened my eyes, seeing the clear liquid run down the outline of his abs.

"Fuck" I groaned, hiding my face with my hands, wishing the ground would just swallow me whole.

"Don't you dare hide from me" He pulled at my wrists, pinning my arms to the ground. "That was so fucking hot you have no idea" He said softly, leaning down to kiss my lips, but I turned my head so he hit my cheek, feeling like I was going to cry.

All I could hear in my head was "God you're so fucking weird" and "What the fuck is wrong with you?" my breathing became heavy, struggling to breathe as I felt the hot tears wash my face.

I felt Colby's hand tap my cheek a few times, his faint voice going in one ear and out the other, not being able to make out what he was saying.

I could feel my shirt be pulled down and my shorts pulled up before his hands pulled me upright, coddling me.

I pushed him off of me, hugging my knees and hiding my face.

I wanted it to stop.

I eventually wiped the tears, snapping back into the moment, feeling even more embarrassed.

Great, I just cried after sex; and not that "We just made love" cry either.

Fucking great.

Fuck me.

Way to fucking go Leighton.

"Leighton, are you hurt?"

"I'm so sorry!" I cried, preparing to look up at Colby, only to find him crouched in front of me, his pants buttoned and digging into his stomach. "It felt so good, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I was thinking! I swear, I won't do it again! Please-" I cried, my heart trying to beat out of my chest.

"Are you hurt?" He asked again, looking extremely worried.

I shook my head, not being able to stop the tears.

My eyes focused on Colby's face, my head tilting.

He looked confused, not disgusted?

"Leighton, talk to me, please" he begged, his hands hovering over my skin, seeming afraid to touch me.

You're so fucking stupid!

"Hey, look at me" He said in a soft tone, his hand touching mine, the flesh feeling like it was on fire. "Leighton, I love you baby, you're safe, you're okay. It's me, Colby. Please talk to me. Do you regret it? Leighton you can always say no. You have every right to turn me down. I can go jack off in the shower if you didn't want to, baby you always have a choice" His hands cradled my face, wiping my tears.

"I don't.... I don't... regret... regret it" I breathed out, guilt weighing down my chest. "I'm.. I'm.. I'm sorry.. for... for... for.. crying"

"Breathe. In. Out. In. Out." he coached, taking a few minutes to get my breathing to even out. "What just happened?" He asked, tossing me his hoodie, allowing me to throw it over my tank top.

"I'm so stupid, I'm so sorry! Fuck, I.. fuck! I cried after sex like a loser!" I whined, covering my face, only to have Colby pull my hands away.

"Please tell me why you cried?"

"I... god" I groaned, throwing my head back, wanting to run away.

"Please tell me why you had a panic attack. Please baby, my minds going crazy"

"I.. I.. I didn't mean.. mean to.. mean to squirt, I swear! It just.. it felt.. it felt so.. so good? I couldn't stop! I didn't.. I didn't know! Please.. please.. don't be mad" I struggled, wiping at my nose and eyes.

"Baby, it was fucking hot. I'm not mad at all" He let out a light laugh, a small smile on his face as he tilted his head, looking at me with this stupid lovesick puppy look in his eyes. "Why would I be mad that you were enjoying yourself? So much in fact that you squirted all over me, which might I add again, was fucking hot. Almost came again from that"

I stayed quiet.

"Leighton?"

"It's stupid. It doesn't matter, sorry" I brushed off, pushing myself to stand up, only to wobble, "Shit" I hissed, falling into his lap, kneeing his groin.

"Oh my god" He let out a quick breath, his face contorting into pain.

"Shit! I'm so sorry!" I scurried off his lap, Colby's hands stopping me, shifting me so my thighs were straddling him.

"Are you sure you're not trying to murder me?" He joked in a pained tone, a frown on my face.

"I'm so sorry" I apologized again, Colby's eyes squinting open.

"It's okay.."

"No it's not! I fucked this all up!"

"Baby, it's okay. It's not the first time I've been kneed in the balls" He chuckled, his thumb wiping at my face again.

"That's not funny! I didn't mean to hurt you" I frowned.

"Hey, I still love you and I know it was an accident. Now can you please tell me why you started sobbing after your orgasm? We both know those weren't blissful tears"

"It's embarrassing"

"Leighton, anxiety attacks aren't embarrassing, nor are the reasons for why it was triggered. Please tell me what happened, so I know for next time, that is if there is a next time, not to do it again"

I instantly felt like shit.

He thinks it's his fault.

"It wasn't your fault, I swear"

"Please talk to me. This is a safe space. I won't judge you, or think any less of you"

"Colby..."

He sighed, turning to look away from me. "Fine, I won't pressure you to tell me." He stood up, offering me his hand.

When I stood up, I winced and then grimaced.

Liquid ran down my thigh.

"Can you hand me my bag please?" I asked, Colby nodding.

I dug out my wet wipes and cleaned off my thighs, wiping my crotch and grabbing a new one to wipe my stomach.

Colby also took a wet wipe to clean off his stomach, tossing them into a Ziplock bag in my backpack.

"I have them stashed everywhere. You never know when you'll need them when you have a toddler" I chuckled, throwing my bag over my shoulder.

"Or when your boyfriend is going to explode on your stomach" he smirked, and I chuckled, nodding.

"That too"

* * * *

Idk how to write short smut, I tried not to make it 2k this time.. I'm used to writing detailed smut one shots.. not like... book blurbs.. lmk if you prefer one shots or blurbs.. cus the last one I did was over 2k..

The second I'm invested in details... it's over.

Written on: December 27th, 28th, 29th 2022

Published on: December 28th 2022

Word Count: 7.8k

Part Forty Six

[britswriting]

Desire (44)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Halfass edited 'cause I'm tired, sorry

A/N: Colby's POV again? Who am I?

*Colby's POV*

"What?" My brow furrowed, Leighton flipping her phone around to show me a photo of Gemma and I from her birthday; on multiple fans twitter feeds. "What do you want me to do? I can send out a tweet to ask people to stop sharing it.. but it's already out" I frowned, Leighton's face being extremely hard to read.

"I didn't want her face out there at all, Colby. It's incredibly dangerous!" She exclaimed, her forehead getting frown lines as her eyes narrowed at me, her lips pursed, turning her phone back towards her, scrolling through her messages with her sister.

"Please don't let this ruin your birthday" I softly begged, worry washing over me.

"Just frustrated" She grumbled, setting her phone down and looking back over at me.

"I'm sorry" I apologized, not knowing how to fix this. "It was bound to happen" I muttered, earning a harsh glare in return, Leighton hissing, "Was it Colby? Was it really?" making me feel even worse, knowing this was my fault.

I pulled up my phone, opening twitter and searching Colby and G, hoping they didn't know her name, a breath of relief escaping my chapped lips as I saw no one mentioning Gemma's name in their feeds.

I started drafting a tweet, showing my phone to Leighton for approval.

"Do you think that will really help?" She worried.

"We can try" I shrugged, my eyes scanning over the tweet one more time before hitting post.

Colby Brock: Please stop reposting the leaked photo of me with the young child. Respect the privacy of the baby's parents not wanting her face shown online. If you have reposted it, please delete it and or cover the child's face with an emoji. Those who don't will be blocked.

I groaned, setting my phone down.

I wish I could have more privacy.

There was always something happening online that I couldn't control. Over the past couple years I've started to get used to it, but something about a photo of Gemma being leaked really got on my nerves.

I couldn't get the adorable photo out of my head, and how damaging it could be to not only Leighton and I's relationship as friends, let alone possibly a couple, but my relationship with Gemma.

Gemma isn't my daughter. She isn't someone I have any rights over. If Leighton thought this was going to be a problem, she could revoke my rights of taking Gemma out during the day or letting Gemma spend time over at our house.

We've been so incredibly careful about making sure her face is never seen, that it irks me that her face has been leaked, and it isn't even our fault.

 It pisses me off that they don't think about the repercussions it'll have. Clearly I've posted photos with Gemma before, but we always cover her face. We always mark it, hide it, or even just have her back facing the camera, so what makes them think it would be okay to post a leaked image of her on Twitter? 

I understood it was a new, rare, photo of me... but would they really risk a child's life for that? It's one thing to save it to your gallery, but it's another to repost it and run the risk of ruining lives.

Do people not understand there are harmful people in this world who would love to hurt children? To kidnap them, or worse things? It isn't just "I want to keep her cute face to myself" it boils down to her safety. The same reason you don't share your address or phone number. That you don't show the front of your house, or windows that can give too much information at where you're located. The reason Sam, Kat and I pre-filmed things for our social media whilst we were in Italy.

I hated that our fans never thought about the effects of their actions. For all I know, this could ruin all of Leighton and I's work of getting back together, and that pissed me off.

I hated when they meddled in my life so much that it could affect us like this, let alone if some stalker actually hurt Gemma.

I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if that happened.

"Colby? Are you okay? Your face is red" Leighton's hand touched mine, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I shook my head, taking a refreshing breath of air, shutting my phone off.

"I just hate that this has happened. I don't know how to fix it either and it's pissing me off, sorry" I apologized, leaning back against the chair, her touch slipping from my own.

"I thought you said we shouldn't let this ruin my birthday?" Leighton gave me a small smile, tugging at my stupid little heart that can't get the fuck over her.

"I'm sorry.. I just.. I'm thinking about getting a lawyer" I admitted, her eyes widening.

"What?! What are you going to do? Sue some twelve year old's? Colby!" She gasped, her jaw extended as her posture straightened.

"No. But we could copyright the image. Get it taken down. It wouldn't remove it completely off the internet, but it's a start" I informed her, pulling my phone back out and googling how much it takes to copyright a photo. "It's about 65 dollars" I finished, scrolling through some of the links.

"You want to copyright your photo with Gemma?"

"Why wouldn't I? You think I want her face out there? Leighton, we're on the same page about this. I don't know how that photo got out there, but I don't like it just as much as you don't. — Would a lawyer even help? Hold on" I mumbled, typing a new google search. "There's a lot of gray area.." I sighed, my eyes scanning a few quick searches. "It isn't like child phonography or anything.. so you can't do too much about it" 

"Do you think something got hacked?" She asked, her worry worsening. 

"I don't know" I regrettably admitted, wishing I could just snap my fingers and solve this problem.

Annoyingly we spent the rest of our time researching legal ways we could solve this problem, Leighton continuing her search on our drive back to her apartment.

"Do you think they have more?" She spoke for the first time in probably 10 minutes, making me jump a little, caught in my own thoughts.

"I hope not. It's not like we have any of them posted somewhere. They're all in our camera rolls"

"But do you have them backed up? Like to the cloud or something that people can hack?"

I shook my head.

"I don't understand! I'm getting more worried and frustrated because I can't figure out how they got the photo in the first place!"

"I know" I nodded in agreement, knowing Leighton was about to explode, bracing myself for the change of volume in the car.

"It pisses me off that people think they can just post her face like that! Yeah she's fucking cute, but I don't need people spreading her face everywhere! See, this is why I don't have a fucking Instagram! I'm sick and tired of people thinking they're some privilege fuck who can post my one year old's face on their social media account!" She started, my head nodding with agreement, not wanting to interrupt her. "What if something happens? Like her face is used for fake rewards, like those dogs on Instagram or whatever!" She fretted, a small laugh slipping past my lips. "Colby! It's not funny! What if they do that?! Or what if she's used for like someone's dumb ad!"

"I doubt that would happen, Leigh" I flashed her a quick smile, glancing towards her before looking back at the road, slowing down for a stop sign.

"You don't know! She's my baby!" She cried out, "I don't want her face out there for the world to critique! She has a hard enough time with her lame excuse of a grandmother! I don't need the world pointing out whatever flaws they seem to always find! I don't want her to grow up and come across these accounts from 10 years ago commenting on if she's cute or not as a one year old! She can barely talk, Colby! She should not be on Twitter, or Instagram, or Snapchat! You know, people on your tweet figured out who she is. That she's G, my little girl. Do you know how scary that is? To know they now know what my daughter's face looks like? I mean the video at the ice rink was bad enough.. now her face? Can we ever catch a fucking break? I mean really. It's always one thing after another!" She vented, her nails digging into the console. "I don't understand what goes through these peoples minds! Clearly they don't have to worry about being stalked, or their kid being kidnapped, or people making fake accounts under her name!" She continued.

I listened to Leighton vent the whole car ride home, even telling me to be careful about my backgrounds of photos I share, not wanting their go to locations leaked, acting like this was my first time on social media. 

Instead of correcting her, I just agreed, not feeling like pulling out unnecessary sneaking comments, wanting to salvage whatever is left of what is happening between us.

"Want to come in? Gemma should be getting up from her nap now, hungry for dinner" Leigh smiled, collecting her phone and soda, unclipping her seat belt whilst I unlocked the doors.

"Sure" I smiled, "I could always go from some Gemma snuggles. She's so cute when she gets up" 

We made our way to her door, Leighton twisting her key and swinging the door open.

We both kicked off our shoes, tossing our jacket's into the closet.

"Leigh?" I heard Landon call out, Leighton smiling.

"It's Colby and I!" She called back, heading straight into the living room.

"Hey Colby!" Landon greeted us when we came into view.

I immediately was drawn to the makeup on his face, taken off guard by the look.

"Date tonight?" Leighton questions, setting her phone on the coffee table.

"No. Just wanted to practice" He shrugged, grabbing a different makeup brush.

"Landon's been experimenting more with his style. New boyfriend, new him I guess" She laughed with a shrug.

"New boyfriend?" I questioned, Landon nodding with a grin.

"His name is Xander, we met back in January" he boasted, making me feel happy for him.

"Well I hope it works out, you deserve the best man" I nodded, Landon passing me a small smile, focusing back on the mirror in front of him.

"You can go wake G if you want, I need to get dinner out of the fridge to start preparing" Leighton said, her hand brushing my arm as she slid past me.

I slowly twisted her doorknob, the sound of the white noise machine filling my ears, stumbling into the dark of her room.

I smiled at her laying on her tummy, her hand pressed against her face, her eyes open just laying there.

"Morning G" I whispered, watching the grin appear on her face, "Want to get up and hang out with Coco?" I asked, my hand rubbing her back, Gemma pushing herself off the mattress, wobbling a little. "Sleepy little bug, aren't you" I chuckled, G now standing at her crib, hands slapping the top of her rails.

A/N: Envision her standing in her crib, and not on a patio lol

"Coco!" She giggled, her hands reaching up for me, jumping on the bouncy mattress, giving herself some air.

I lifted her up, Gemma snuggling into the crook of my neck.

"Sleep well G?" I asked quietly, walking over to turn off the white noise machine before swaying slightly with her, rubbing her back. 

I stayed for a minute or so before placing her on the floor, grabbing her diapers since she was a little too wiggly for the changing table.

With a fresh diaper and a bright smile she wobbled down the hallway, a smile on my face as she made her way towards the common area, immediately getting distracted by Landon's makeup.

There was something so comforting about being in their shared space, watching my two girls just do their thing. 

We thankfully ended up getting the image copyrighted, and taken down from anywhere we could.

Later that week Gemma and Leighton came over, and one thing led to another and we wound up playing Hide and Seek for the first time with Gemma.

Gemma, Leighton and I hid whilst Sam seeked. We tried to get Gemma to hide by herself, but she was extremely apprehensive and clingy, so here I was, hiding in a fairly roomy cupboard with Gemma, my finger brushing my lips as I tried to quiet her giggles.

"Shh, Uncle Sam is gonna find us if you're noisy!" I whisper yelled, a grin cracking on my face when her finder held up to her lips, shushing me. "You little monkey!" I laughed, Gemma squeaking when Sam whipped open the cupboard going "Boo! I found you!" Gemma laughed and clapped, reaching out for him, which he happily obliged too, giving her a quick cuddle.

"Want help me find momma?" Sam asked her, Gemma giggling as she practically ran down the hallway.

This to me was home, and damn did it feel good.

This empty house was filled with laughter from the people I loved, and to me that was home. 

I was exactly where I wanted to be.

"You found me!" Leighton laughed, Gemma squeaking as she jumped around, tumbling onto her knees, Sam quickly picking her up and telling her she was alright, Gemma thankfully laughing instead of crying.

When it was Gemma's turn to find us, Sam helped her keep focus, since her attention span was basically nonexistent at times.

Sam ended up "yelling" at me for my hiding spot. Apparently hiding up high wasn't acceptable when the seeker is barely two feet tall.

Leighton's been around a lot more, filling this house with her gorgeous presence, Gemma tagging along, making a game out of climbing the stairs and running into my bedroom, squealing when they'd arrive.

I was starting to hate the fact that I was moving. I was going to miss this.

"Look at our big girl!" Sam cheered, Gemma clapping and smiling as she tried a new food, loving the mac and cheese Sam had gotten.

She was quite literally tasting the world now, so thankfully everything was packed up and there wasn't anything harmful laying around our soon to be old house.

"I can't believe you guys are moving next week" Leighton sighed, leaning against the marble countertop.

"We're going to come back as often as we can. Can't miss our little girl growing up!" Sam cooed at Gemma, her mac and cheese grin making us laugh.

She was covered in melted cheese.

"Hey guys!" Kat greeted, having gotten back from a dance rehearsal.

"Gem, can you say hi?" Leigh coaxed, Gemma waving.

"Hi G, you have yummy pasta?" Kat cooed, knowing better than to swipe a piece, even though it was originally Sam's lunch.

Sam, Leighton and I sat on the couch whilst Katrina played with Gemma on the floor, Leighton and Sam playing Mario Kart, their exclamations of winning or losing carrying through the house to the point that Gemma was even getting into it.

I filmed a video for my story of Gemma screaming "GO GO GO" at the TV, Kat and I laughing at her encouragement, posting it to the caption with "Starting them young" tagging Sam and Kat at the bottom. 

Moving day was bittersweet.

Leighton came over that night and we did one last pizza night together, Gemma falling asleep on my chest whilst we laid on the couch, watching Netflix, made it extremely tempting to unpack all of our boxes, and take down the For Sale sign.

"I can't believe you're leaving us" Leigh sighed, her head resting against my knee, sat on the ground with her back against the front of the couch, my foot propped under my knee to keep Gemma in a comfortable position.

"I don't want to anymore" I confessed, trying to keep my body from leaping off this couch and calling off the entire move.

"It'll be good. You're clearly moving for a reason. We all deserve new life experiences. I hope it's the right call for you guys" Leighton tossed me a supportive smile, making this hurt even worse.

Getting settled in Nevada was weird. 

it was weird to know that Gemma and Leighton wouldn't be popping by at any given moment, and that we were back to being a phone call away, that was if we picked up.

I've been trying to get a hold of Leighton all week, wanting to check up on how things were going, but I haven't gotten any responses.

It came to a point where I texted Lexi, asking if she knew anything, only to find out Gabe had moved back to California with Zara for a while, and they were starting to figure out custody.

I instantly regretted moving, wishing I could be by her side as she went through this.. but I knew no matter what, she needed to do this alone.

August crept up on us like no tomorrow. 

I don't think Nate and I have ever whisked through an airport so fast before, and to make it worse we got stopped by a couple of fans wanting a conversation and photo when all I wanted was to wrap my arms around the two people I missed the most.

Nate rang her parents' doorbell, anxious anticipation cursing through my veins as I waited for the door to prop open.

The second Molly's ear piercing shriek rang through the home, I knew we were in for some sort of chaos.

"YOU BROUGHT NATE HERE?!" She yelled in our face, Lexi having opened the door to greet us. "I picked a good day to come to the Fox household!"

"Ignore her" Lexi sighed, letting us into the home, Molly glaring at Lexi.

"I miss when you shared the excitement" Molly grumbled, Lexi rolling her eyes.

"I got used to seeing him around. He follows my sister like a loss puppy"

My cheeks reddened at the words, Nate smirking, his elbow playfully hitting me in the ribs.

"Gemma! Coco's here!" Lexi called out, Nate passing me a confusing look.

"Coco?" He questioned, but before I could answer, the energetic toddler was rounding the corner, crashing into my legs.

"Coco!" She squealed, my tone matching hers as I greeted "Gem Gem!" my hand pressing into her back.

"G, I'd like you to meet someone" I spoke up, getting her attention, her hands still wrapped around my legs as she cranked her neck to look at me. "Gemma, this is Coco's best friend, Nate" I motioned to the strange male next to me, Gemma's eyebrows furrowed as she looked over at Nate who gave her a friendly smile and wave.

"Hi Gemma" He greeted, her name cracking a smile onto her face.

"Coco!" She giggled, asking to be held, which I happily granted.

Nate tried to talk with her a bit, but she just cuddled into my chest, the five of us walking further into the home, finding Logan, Harper and Nova in the living room.

"Hey man!" Logan greeted, as I leaned over the back of the couch, plopping Gemma onto the soft cushion.

"Hey! How's it going?" I asked, Logan's hand rubbing soothing circles on Harper's back.

"Going good, how about you?" he returned, keeping the small talk up.

"Same old same old, have you seen Leighton?"

"Bathroom"

"Ah" 

We both chuckled and I introduced Nate since it had been a while since he's been around, Logan and Nate immediately falling into some sort of conversation about traveling.

"Leighton just went into the art room" Molly informed me, and I nodded, stepping around her since she was standing fairly close to me, definitely invading my bubble.

Gemma immediately hopped off the couch, following me up the stairs, her hand holding each spindle as she slowly walked up the steps, taking us probably three minutes to go up probably twenty stairs.

"Hi mama!" Gemma spoke, a smile on her face as I pushed open the door, instantly running to where Leighton was sitting, standing on her tip-toes as she tried to see what her mother was doing.

"Hi baby, wanna see?" She hummed, picking Gemma up and placing her on her left knee, showing her the drawings she had scattered across the desk. "This one papa drew, see, it's you and mommy! From when Gemma was born" She smiled, showing the black and white pencil drawing, Gemma's eyes full of awe and wonder.

"And look, this one mommy did of Gem when Gemma was a few months old" She showed another photo, this one having used a pen.

"Wanna see one of Coco?" Leighton asked, catching my attention.

"You have one of me?" I questioned, this being brand new information to me.

Leighton nodded, shuffling through a few papers before pulling out a photo of me, showing Gemma.

This one was done with colored pencil, surprising me.

"That photo looks familiar" I teased, Leighton blushing.

"I didn't stalk your Instagram for no reason that day" She spoke, chuckling softly, kissing Gemma's cheek quickly, making a "Mhm-wah" sound, Gemma giggling and wiping her cheek, Leighton gasping. "Did you just wipe away mommy's kisses?!" 

Gemma giggled, knowing exactly what she was doing which made me choke on a held back laugh, my lips rolling to contain the noise as Leighton's jaw dropped.

"Don't wipe mommy's love away! That's rude!" She softly reprimanded, joking before laying another sloppy kiss on the toddler's cheek, Gemma grinning as she shoved Leighton away. "Hey!" Leighton whined, frowning. "That's rude"

"Do you care if I post your work to my story?" I questioned, turning the piece of paper towards me, wanting to take a photo of her beautiful work.

"Uh.. sure. Just don't say it was me.." She spoke, nerves evident in her tone, moving a few papers away from Gemma.

"But you're so talented!"

"Colby, I don't want your fans knowing we're hanging out. Gemma's face has already leaked once. I'd like to keep whatever we are on the down low" 

I just sighed, taking the photo and writing "So talented😍🙌🏼" on the image, sharing it to my story.

"Knock knock, landshark!" Nate's voice interrupted, his knuckles hitting the wooden door before opening it, Leighton sending him a welcoming smile.

"Long time no see! How have you been?" She greeted, a slight dazed look in her eyes.

"Been hanging out with this loser" He pointed his thumb towards me, Leighton giggling with a nod.

"He tends to be a fan favorite in this household. Right Gem?" Leighton engaged with the one and a half year old, Gemma looking over at me, a smile brightening up her face as she said "Coco" in the sweetest voice I've ever heard, her arms stretching out towards me.

"It's weird to see you holding a kid dude" Nate spoke up, putting his weight on the left side of his body as he eyed me, taking in the sight.

"If you think that's weird, you should've seen him in labor and delivery! I'm shocked he stayed by my side" Leighton smiled softly at me, her face looking like a puppy dog with heart eyes.

"It's so weird to see you like.. with a family?" His eyes squinted, head tilting. "Like you're still that dumbass kid from Kansas to me you know? And now here you are in California with your own little family. I've never seen someone's parents so happy to see you" He joked, making me laugh, Gemma playing with the rings on my finger, picking up and dropping a few of my fingers one by one as she messed with my hand. "It's weird to see you grown up like this" He continued, Leighton watching the both of us with a tight lipped grin on her face, leaning on the palm of her hand.

"I mean time and time again I'm shown that family doesn't mean blood" I told him honestly, smiling down at Gemma who had now noticed my tattoos. 

"Coco?" She grabbed my arm, her fingers slightly pinching the black ink.

"Hm? My tattoos? Mommy has them too" I pointed at Leighton, her sleeve on show.

"Mama?" She questioned, her eyes now on Leighton's arm.

"I have tattoos on my arm, yes baby. You're just now noticing?" She teased, watching the concentrated look on Gemma's face as her eyes looked back down to my arm. "Hm?" She hummed, pointing at the tattoo I got for Sam. 

"That for Uncle Sam" I told her, loving how intrigued she was by the art on our arms.

"Mama?"

"Yes baby?"

She pointed at herself, confusing us.

"What baby?" Leighton asked again, Gemma frowning as she pointed at Leighton's arm. "What about it?"

She made some noises, Leighton encouraging her to talk before Gemma's little hand covered Leighton's rose, the size difference looking adorable.

"It's a rose baby" She smiled softly, Gemma's fingers crawling at her hand, Leighton wincing. "Careful Gem, Owies"

She frowned again, her hand laying flat against Leighton's knuckles.

The three of us stayed in this room for probably 10 minutes just letting Gemma look at our tattoos, laughing when she got overly excited about one of them, such as the butterfly on Nate's chest, or the wolf on my arm. Her eyes wide when Leighton said the "Gemma" tattoo on her collarbone was for her, almost seeming like she couldn't believe it.

There was something so effortless about moving around the Fox household. The way we all helped set up the table for dinner, shimmering around each other in the kitchen as we grabbed things out of draws, cupboards and the fridge to the way we freely went in and out the patio door, playing in the backyard with Gemma's toys, watching Harper and Gemma learn how to play together, and how we all lounged around the living room, conversing and watching TV together. It truly was a second home to me.

Nate and I met up with Leighton after work, everything feeling like a well oiled machine as we intertwined our routines.

I had a few business things to do here whilst I was in California, but somehow the four of us found ourselves surrounded by each other at the end of the night.

The weirdest was Friday evening, Nate and I had arrived at Leighton's apartment complex, Landon letting us in, only to not be greeted by the pitter patter of tiny feet.

"Where's Gems?" I asked immediately, scanning around the apartment, seeing her belongings scattered all over the place.

"With her dad" Leighton said, my body freezing.

"What?"

"Gabe get's her this weekend" She said, acting like it was no big deal as she continued folding some of Gemma's pajamas.

"Wait, like your custody thing?" I asked, Leighton nodding. "So he just gets her this weekend?" I questioned, confused.

"Yes. We share her. That's kind of the point of joint custody. She needs to get used to being around her dad" 

"I thought he was supposed to be in Med School for like ten years or something?"

"He's trying to be there for her, Colby. He's talking about transferring schools to be back here with her"

Oh.

I stayed quiet, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I now had to share Gemma with Gabe again.

Nate gave me a weird look, the apartment buzzer taking their attention off of me, Landon practically skipping to hit the intercom button, buzzing the stranger up.

"Did you come over to see Gemma or what?" Leighton asked, her voice having an accusatory undertone.

"Well yea. I came to see both of you. I got used to her little body slamming into my legs, hugging me" I frowned, almost feeling the ghost of the toddler's touch around my body, missing her little hugs.

"Sorry" She shrugged, setting a pair of pants into the laundry basket. "It's weird for me too.. but it'll be good for them. Gemma needs to know her dad. He hasn't done anything to not be allowed to see her." She stated, and I immediately felt my jaw tighten.

"How about that time he made you pour your breast milk down the sink, being cruel to you? You were vulnerable and he towered over you like a monster! What is he going to do when she cries? Turn up his music?" I scoffed, Leighton's face scrunching up in confusion as she looked over at me.

"Is that how you view him? A monster?" She asked, setting the folded washcloth in the basket, not picking up anything else, her full attention now on me.

"Oh come on! He's done some cruel things to you!" My voice raised, feeling my heart pick up it's pace.

"Whatever he's done to me, doesn't matter when it comes to my daughter. He has done nothing to make me worried about her in his care"

"You don't have the best judgment Leighton! He literally shared your fucking nudes around the school!" I exclaimed, Nate's eyes going wide as he stayed quiet.

"WE WERE SIXTEEN!"

"AND THAT MAKES IT OKAY?!"

"Colby, this was over 7 years ago! And that has nothing to do with him taking care of our daughter!" She glared, harshly pushing herself up off the sofa, brushing past me, my eyes following her as she walked down the hallway before turning her head to look at me, "Thanks for telling Nate that. You're a dick" She muttered, shutting her bedroom door behind her and I groaned, my head thrown back before I looked over at Nate.

"Dude, what the fuck just happened?" He asked breathlessly, turning to look down the hallway, a knock on the door making me freeze.

Shit.

Landon came out from his bedroom, glaring at me before opening the door, a random guy stood in the entryway.

"LEIGHTON, I'M HEADING OUT! I LOVE YOU!" He yelled, giving a slight wave at me before following the guy out.

I knocked on Leighton's door, softly begging for her to let me in, letting out a breath of relief when she opened the door.

"I'm sorry" I apologized immediately, Leighton laying back down on her bed, her foot tattoo catching my eye as she crossed one leg over the other, her knee bent as her foot pressed into the mattress, her hands folded on her stomach. "I know I have no right to say this, but I can't help but feel annoyed that Gemma get's to be with Gabe. He's done so much wrong to you Leighton. I've not only heard about it firsthand, but seen it. The things you've told me he's done, like sharing your nudes, and leaving you in jail.. not to mention ditching you when Gemma was born. He left you to raise her alone whilst he was across the country party. He literally passed out when you were delivering Gemma. There are so many things he's done that makes me annoyed that he gets to steal her away from me and I know I have no right. I'm not her father or whatever.. but it's just how I feel" I admitted, hating how her eyes were trained on the ceiling.

"You said I have bad judgment" She muttered and I mentally groaned, wanting to slap myself across the face.

"You having bad judgment doesn't make me love you any less" I told her, her eyes darting away from the ceiling to glare at me.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Genuinely, what do you want from me Leighton? Do you want fine dining and a bouquet of roses or do you want someone who will babysit your kid? What hat am I supposed to be wearing right now?" I snapped, Leighton pushing herself up, sitting criss-cross.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm tired of this song and dance!"

"Then stop doing it" She said like it was no big deal, my heart pinching at the idea of her not caring as much as I did.

"For fuck sake! If we both love each other then what is the problem? All your shit is logistics! Can you stop self sabotaging for one minute? Yes, I royally effed up when I said I think we should break up, I've apologized for that months ago! Let me off the damn hook! I want change. I want us to do couple shit and spend the night together. I want us to be together and every time I try you pull away, and then I tell you the reasons why I don't like your ex, and you back him up. Why can't you admit he's done shitty things to you? He fucking left you alone multiple times, yet you let him back into your life with the skip of a heartbeat, but I bend over fucking backwards for you, and all of a sudden I'm a dick?"

"If you wanted couple shit, why the fuck did you move away when I moved back?" She asked, her lips slightly swollen from her teeth tugging on it.

"Because you weren't ready! You're never fucking ready! I never thought I'd see the day where I was begging a girl to give me a chance! Do you know how low that fucking feels? Not to be a douche, but I could go to the club right now and probably go home with someone for the night, but here I am in your bedroom, begging you to understand me! To see where I come from, and not get pissed at me when I say your ex is a piece of shit. I'm not good at communicating, and I'm working on that, but you never give me a chance! You see one flaw in our relationship and leave" 

"He's not a piece of shit Colby" She argued back, my eyes rolling at the fact that that's all she clung onto from what I said.

"Do you love him?" I asked, catching her off guard.

"W-what?"

"Do you love him?" I repeated, her brow scrunching.

"No"

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"You keep defending his actions. You aren't holding him accountable for the shit he's done to you"

"I don't love him. I'm not in love with him" She corrected, frowning.

"You sure?" I questioned, Leighton's eyes narrowing as she asked, "Do you think I'm lying to you?"

"I don't know, are you?"

"No! What the fuck kind of question is that? What, one second you're perusing me and the next you're asking if I'm in love with my baby daddy? What the hell Colby!"

"It's the only logical reason for how you're defending him!"

"He's her father Colby!" She defended, yet again, pissing me off.

"You had the fucking nerve to call me a deadbeat dad, which I haven't fucking forgotten by the way, when he's out here fucking abandoning her! Everything you yelled in my face about how I come and go, HE DOES THAT!"

"He's not a deadbeat dad"

"There you fucking go again! You're defending his sorry ass, and for what? He fucking left you! He left you when Gemma was only two months old!"

"He came back for her" She shot back, raising an eyebrow at me. "Why the fuck are we fighting over my daughter anyway? Our joint custody doesn't concern you"

"Then what fucking concerns me huh?! What part of this relationship should I be concerned about? Because clearly caring about you and Gemma isn't my fucking concern. Fucking sorry for caring!" I snapped, my hands tossed in the air out of frustration.

"She deserves to know her father Colby" She spoke in a steady voice, holding her ground.

"He's a piece of shit who constantly leaves! Do you really want that to be her father figure?" I asked, feeling my chest rise and fall as I kept my eyes on her, hating how calm she looked when I was practically bubbling with anger.

"What do you want, Colby?" She asked, sounding defeated, her eyes scanning my face.

"To be a part of this! To be a unit!" I expressed, standing my ground and reminding myself of the different communication techniques I learned in therapy, a few of them going right out the window the second I raised my voice at her.

"We're not together Colby!" 

"And whose fault is that?" I snapped.

"YOURS!" She shouted, pointing at me and I groaned, leaning my head and back against her closed door.

"Loving you isn't hard, but communicating with you is impossible!" I muttered, my hand rubbing my face.

"You told me you didn't have any expectations" She said quietly, my eyes snapping open to look at her.

"I expected you to want those things too" I confessed, pushing myself off the door and walking over towards her, stopping at the end of her bed.

"I don't know how to want that" She said, her tongue wetting her lips as she bashfully looked away. "I don't know how to do this"

"How to do what?"

"This. Us. I want it so bad, but I keep fucking it up. I don't know how to work as a unit Colby. Since I was 16, it's been just me! My relationship with Gabe wasn't the best, I know that now.. but he's all I have to reference. Silas and I.. we didn't really do much but hang out. We never fought or had these ups and downs... Me trying, is this right here! Us fighting is me trying! I can't be better if you don't tell me what you want. I'm constantly busy, so it doesn't always cross my mind. When Gabe and I hung out.. it wasn't the way you and I do. I'm not used to someone wanting to cuddle together and hang out together all the time. A lot of my relationship with Gabe, I was high and we had sex. The fact that you've turned me down so many times when I've tried to jump your bones shows me this is different. That you're different, even though you have slept around. I can't be better, if you don't tell me what's wrong. I get why you don't like Gabe, but he's Gemma's father. She deserves to know her dad, and he hasn't done anything wrong to not have that privilege. I'm trying to navigate this new life I'm working on building, and I'd really appreciate it if you could be supportive of my choices, and not argue with me when I say I'm trying to do shared custody with Gemma. This is my life, Colby. The highs and lows, the fights, the tears.. I'm figuring it out. We all are... this is the best I can offer you, until you give me the chance to learn with you. I need patience, support... and love."

"So what does this mean? You want to try this again, or you want me to support your decisions with Gabe?"

"Colby, I never stopped loving you. Taking the time to work on myself wasn't me calling it quits. I need to be better for myself, to be better for us. Now I know that you want late night cuddles and movie nights and sleep overs. We don't communicate, Colby. I wanted the space to make sure my addiction was in a manageable place and I was in a healthy place with Gemma. I'm twenty three. I have my whole life to love you. I was allowed to take a moment to focus on myself. To be better. That does mean I wanted to leave you, or that I never wanted to see you again. Look" She paused, her hands tossed out to show her room, "I'm doing better.  I've been clean for 6 months. I've kept my job, I'm paying my bills, I'm taking care of Gemma and figuring out how to do shared custody with her dad. I have my record locked and I have a roof over my head. I've been going to my meetings and my therapy sessions.. I'm feeling good. You know that"

"So does this mean you're ready to try again?" I asked, trying to keep up at the constant conversation change. 

"Are you?" She asked, the small smile on her face, slowly growing.

"Are you fucking kidding?! I've been ready!" I exclaimed, making her laugh, a beautiful smile on her face as she pushed herself up off the bed, her hands reaching out for my bicep as she steadied herself.

"So does this mean we're willing to try again?" She asked quietly between us, staring up into my eyes.

"You said we needed to lay everything out on the table, right?" I asked, her face dropping.

"Why? What did you do?"

"Nothing I just.... do you think we could uh... consider Gemma uh.." I paused, regretting starting this conversation.

"Consider Gemma, what?"

"I'd like to be a father figure to her" I quickly spit out before I could second guess myself, Leighton's touch against my skin freezing, her body going tense.

"W-what?"

"I want to be more to Gemma" I reconfirmed, my heart racing as I tried to figure out what was going on inside of her head.

"Can we take it one day at a time?" She asked, stepping back from me.

"What?" I questioned, my heart dropping to my stomach.

"We're not even properly together yet, plus she's not even two. I don't want her to get confused" She told me, seeming to want to let me down softly.

"It's okay, it was a stupid idea anyway" I dismissed, running my fingers through my hair, Leighton's hand grabbing my wrist, pulling my hand away from my face.

"It's not stupid Colby. You're right, you've been more of a father to Gemma than he has. You've been around more, so much in fact that she get's so excited when you're even brought up in conversation. This isn't a no... but a not right now — And before you push me away!" She spoke quickly, noticing my parted lips, ready to bite back, " I would love it if you were her father, but life didn't deal me those cards, and I'm just to play with what I have in my hand, okay? For right now.. I want to focus on us, and on Gemma. I'm sure she'd love to have you as her daddy... but Gabe is her father, and sadly, he has a say. He has rights to her, to see her and be around her. I don't want to create conflict right now. Can we revisit this later when I'm not freshly figuring out custody?" She asked, her hands cradling my jaw, keeping my eyes on her.

"I'm sorry for bringing it up" I apologized again, knowing better than to suggest something so stupid. Especially now.

"Stop apologizing. You're her Coco, and honestly that's so much better than being her dada" She laughed, tears in her eyes as the pad of her thumb pulled at my lower lip before running along the crease and down my cheek to my jaw.

"You know I love her right?" I asked quietly, my hands resting on her hips.

"I think the whole world knows Colby" She laughed, moving her hands behind my neck, her eyes keeping hold on mine.

"I've missed these pretty green eyes" I murmured, resisting the urge to capture her lips between mine.

"They haven't gone anywhere" She giggled, her fingers messing with the hair on the back of my neck.

"You're annoying"  I chuckled.

"Shut up" She grinned, a slight laugh leaving her throat.

"Can I tell you something silly?" I asked, her head tilting.

"Sure"

"I'm stupidly in love with you" I smirked, trying to hold back my shit eating grin, wanting to wrap my arms around her waist and hold her forever.

"Awe shucks!" She giggled, her tongue poking out a little as her shoulders shrugged upwards, squishing her face a little. "That is very silly of you" She teased, my eyes rolling, a smile on my face.

Whilst my eyes looked away, I felt her arms create a pressure on my shoulders, bringing my attention back to her, seeing her on her tiptoes as she watched my face, slowly getting closer to me, her lips finally softly touching mine, a soft feather like pressure laying against them, almost like she was afraid I'd push her away.

My hands moved to her ass, pulling her into me, her lips pressing harder into mine, a soft groan escaping my lips from the softness of her lips, missing the way she felt against me.

Her teeth pulled at my bottom lip a little before murmuring against mine,

"I'm in love you too"

* * * * 

This book is getting close to being done which is why we are "flashing" through the months. 

Don't worry, we still have book 3!

Merry Christmas! <3

I feel like people forget Leighton has tattoos lol. Like she has a whole sleeve, a rose covering the top of her hand to her knuckles, her foot is covered, she has some on her neck and collarbone. On her ribcage and inner finger... idk, I feel like when I even visualize her, I forget. Same with her ear is covered in pretty earrings from top to bottom. Or like the rings on her fingers... her painted, if not acrylic nails. So my little details lol

Written on: December 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th 2022

Published on: December 26th 2022

Word Count: 7462

Part Forty Five

[britswriting]

Desire (41)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Song: See you Later - Jenna Raine 

A/N: Prepare yourself to feel overwhelmed lmao

*Leighton's POV*

Walking into Colby's house felt eerie. It definitely felt like the calm before the storm.

"Colby?!" I called out, my voice carrying throughout the home.

"Upstairs!" I heard him call out, a dreadful sigh leaving my lips as I grudgingly walked up the stairs.

I found him in his desk chair, sitting at his computer, leaning back as he looked towards the door.

"You wanted to talk?" I mumbled, Colby nodding, sitting up and turning his chair towards the door.

"Can you shut the door please?" 

I gulped, nodding and closing it behind me.

"Are Sam and Kat home?" I asked, Colby nodding. "So that's why you wanted the door shut?" he nodded again and I sighed.

"Please sit down so we can talk"

I sat on his couch, my legs criss crossed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He started, his jaw clenched and his arms crossed as he leaned back against the chair, staring at me.

"Tell you what?"

"Cut the crap Leighton. You moving, why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry but if you're going to treat me like shit because your feelings got hurt, we're fucking done. You've been awfully snappy lately and I'm tired of it. I'm no saint, I know, but at least I try to apologize when I yell at you. Treat me with respect or I'm leaving"

I watched the knot of his jaw move, and I hated how intimidated I felt.

We were meant to be equals and I hated how he was making me feel right now.

"I'm sorry" He apologized, acting like the words were bitter in his mouth.

"Try again when you fucking mean it" I grumbled, Colby looking like he was going to snap like a brittle tig in the winter at any moment. "I admit I fucked up, and I should have told you sooner.. but if you're just going to yell at me, then do it already. Get it out of your system. I'm tired of you acting like I fuck up on purpose. I get busy and I forget, I'm sorry" I apologized, wishing he could just understand that I felt like I was living in a constant whirlwind of things to do.

"Two months Leighton" Colby muttered, still glaring at me.

I hated this.

"I'm sorry! It's not an excuse, but you were also busy!"

"Doing my job!" he shot back, a pang of hurt hitting my chest.

I stayed quiet, hating the look in his eye.

He looked like I was his least favorite person.

I've seen this look before. It was staring right back at me in the mirror for months.

I could almost see every vile thing he was thinking right now, and I hated it.

"Why are you mad at me?" I asked quietly, wanting the ground to swallow me whole.

"Are you kidding me?!" His voice raised, the hair on my neck standing up.

"Surely you're not just mad about the moving thing?"

"LIKE HELL I AM! I don't understand why you didn't tell me! You didn't even bother to ask me why I was mad!" he exploded, his arms outstretched towards me, my body instantly jolting back.

Oh.

"Why are you mad?" I mumbled, my heart starting to race.

He rolled his eyes, sitting up straight in the chair, leaning forward on his knees. "It didn't at all cross your mind that maybe I wanted to do that together?" 

Oh.

"Do what together?"

"Move! You didn't even bother to ask! Sure, maybe we're not at a place where we can live together, but I would have still liked to help"

"You were serious about that?"

"Oh my god! LEIGHTON! Of course I was fucking serious! Why would I bring up us maybe moving in together if I didn't mean it?!"

"I.. I thought you.. I thought you were just trying to throw out an option. I didn't know it held weight!"

His nostrils flared, moving to lean back against his desk chair, his eyes staying on mine.

I felt extremely uncomfortable.

It felt more like a scolding from a parent than a discussion with my boyfriend.

"I've been asking and offering again and again for us to live together; why wouldn't I mean it?"

"We haven't been dating that long" I replied softly, trying to figure out how to make this better, but he seemed so angry with me. I felt hopeless. 

"Time doesn't mean shit Leighton! If you're the one, you're the one! It's not going to take me 5 years of us dating to know if I see a future with you! Again and again I try to show that I'm ready! That I'm willing to take these next steps, and yet again you shut me out!"

"It's not on purpose!"

"I get you're not ready... but Leighton, seriously... Do you even see a future together? Do you see us raising our own kids and Gemma, in our own house, living our life? Or do you see yourself being alone forever?!"

"I'm twenty two! I'm not thinking about the next 50 years! I'm thinking about tonight, or tomorrow, or maybe what I have going on this week! I don't know what I'll be doing in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years!" 

"I'm tired of not holding you accountable" He muttered under his breath, my face scrunching up.

"What does that mean?"

"You fuck up and I just sweep it under the rug! It's tiring! Again and again and again we do this, and I'm tired! When are you going to take us seriously?"

"I am taking us seriously!" I exclaimed, my body launching forward. Colby scoffed, pissing me off. "STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME! You wanna talk about tiring?! THAT'S FUCKING TIRING!"

"I'm not acting like I'm better than you"

"Bullshit! You always act like you're fucking superior" 

"That's not true"

"You're throwing my mistakes in my face!"

"No I'm not, I'm just saying that I let you off the hook-"

"Fuck you"

His jaw clenched and he leaned forward, staring me down.

"I wanted to at least help you Leighton"

"With what?!"

"MOVING! I'm your fucking boyfriend Leighton! I want to be there for you and you don't let me! You keep doing things without telling me! No, you don't need my approval, but I'd at least like the option to stand by your side and help! Stop acting like this is a single player game! I don't know what your relationship with Gabe was like because you never talk about it, but I'm not him! I'm tired of wanting to try, and not being given the opportunity!"

"Are you mad that I moved back?" I asked, confused at his random outburst.

Colby groaned. "I'm glad you're back.. I'm just.. I wish you would've told me! I could've helped you apartment hunt, pack boxes, move, babysit... I could've been there for you, and once again you isolated me out!"

"YOU WERE GONE! What are you going to do for me halfway across the fucking country?!"

"You're missing the point"

"No! I get it. I do. You want to be kept in the loop, but what good is it going to do to yell at me about it now?!"

"SO YOU DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES!"

My lips rolled into a fine line as I stared at him before letting out an exhale through my nose. "Do you see any good in me? In this?"

"What?"

"You keep saying mistakes. That I'm fucking up. That I'm making the mistakes... Am I your problem? If I'm the problem then why the fuck are you with me?"

"Leighton, please don't do this now"

"No! Screw you! You fucking opened this door, so we're going to walk through it! Tell me everything I'm doing wrong. Tell me. Because clearly I can't do anything fucking right"

"I didn't say that" He sighed.

I glared; "You fucking drank and then drove because of me. One point for Leighton. You got into a car accident because of me. Two points for Leighton. You broke your fucking leg because of me! Three points for Leighton. You're mad right now because of me. Four points for Leighton!-"

"What are you doing?"

"You couldn't post two videos because of me, so there went some income- six points for Leighton. You had to babysit my daughter because I went to rehab, because you know; addicts can't stay fucking clean. Isn't that right Colby? Addicts just fuck up. Can't be trusted. Can't hold a job, a relationship, a family. Just constant screw ups, isn't that right Colby? A walking disaster. So that was what, two weeks? A point a day is 14 so that's 20 points for Leighton! Not to mention relapsing many times... give myself what, 5 points? 10 points? Got anything else I've royally fucked over? Anything else that I deserve to rack up for? To collect? You know, because you've just been sweeping shit under the rug. Go find my damn skeletons Colby! Let me pay the price!"

"Leighton-"

"Leighton 500. Colby 0. Look at Mr. Perfect! Doesn't do anything wrong! Doesn't ever fuck up! Perfect fucking angel!" I scoffed.

"Leighton that isn't true"

"Sorry, I can't hear you over your fucking halo!"

He glared.

"I fuck up. I get it! I know that! But I'm fucking trying! I'm not fucking perfect and I never claimed to be! You knew what you were getting into when you signed up for this relationship and if you can't handle it, then leave! I'm not keeping you here! You have free will! If you're not happy, you can leave!"

His lips parted out of shock, "You're not even going to try and fight for us?"

"I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING! Don’t you fucking see that?! Every day I wake up and I fight and I fight and I fight! I’M SICK AND TIRED OF FIGHTING!"

He stared at me in complete disbelief, shaking his head.

"501 huh" I huffed, his head snapping up over to me.

"Leighton stop it"

"YOU FUCKING SAID YOU WERE TIRED OF LETTING ME OFF THE HOOK!"

"That's not what I meant"

"BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID! What do you want from me Colby?!"

"I just want you to try" He spoke quietly, his eyes never leaving me.

"I am, and it isn't good enough for you"

"How is not telling me things, trying?"

My eyebrows furrowed, my muscles tightening as I shifted.

"I'm doing my best. My plate is fucking overflowing right now, and you're mad about the fact that it slipped my mind to tell you that I was moving back home? Do you realize my mother is dying? That her cancer is terminal, and I don't know how long I'll have with her? Do you realize that I can't get a job because I was a dumb teenager, much like you were might I add, and I went to jail, and no one wants a cold criminal working for them? It's a bad look for the company, no matter the crime. I live paycheck to paycheck from Gabe to support Gemma. All of that money goes towards her. I don't touch it. I've done odd jobs to earn extra cash to buy food and afford gas. I shop at thrift stores because I can't afford Walmart, or Target, let alone BabyGap. Don't think I missed that tag on that overpriced onesie you guys bought her. — I lived at my aunt and uncle's house because I can't afford rent. I lived with my parents because living out here is fucking expensive. One of the reasons I moved back to Minnesota is because I could almost afford it if I tried hard enough. I constantly ignore itches and cravings to relapse, because one; I don't have the money for it, and two; I'm trying to be better for Gemma. Yes I slip up, I fuck up.. but I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard to stay afloat in this mess... and you're mad that I forgot to tell you I was moving back? Yes — it's a big life change to you.. but it's so fucking minuscule compared to everything else going on in my life. I don't keep you in the loop because it's fucking embarrassing and tiring! Being poor is embarrassing. Yes not everyone has money, but when your entire family is pretty well off.. It's embarrassing walking through the door in a tattered t-shirt and a baby whose in one size too small because I couldn't afford to buy her new clothes. You own so many designer shirts. You live in practically a mansion. You have a million friends and every time you swipe your card.. you don't have to worry about it being declined, even if you're just buying diapers. A necessity. I'm trying. I'm doing my best, and it still isn't good enough for you; because it isn't what you want. You want movies and date nights, I can't afford those. I'm literally trying to swing gas most of the time!"

"Leigh I can pay-"

"No!" I cut him off, "That's even more embarrassing! Having someone pay for you because you can't afford it is the worst fucking feeling. It's not them being nice and offering to buy lunch and next round is on you.. it's them paying because they're the only one who can do it"

He stayed quiet, his eyes looking like he was trying to process everything, but I kept talking. "If you're expecting you to come first, I have a big fucking new flash for you! You'll never be first! Gemma will always come first. I put her first over myself. I want her better off. I want her taken care of.. For months during my pregnancy I didn't even want to keep her Colby! I wanted to put her up for adoption to someone who can afford to buy her everything she needs and wants. That isn't me. I can't buy her shiny new things all the time, but I've accepted that. I've accepted that I'm doing my best with her.. that I'm her mom, and I'm doing everything in my power to give her a good life. And now a year later, I'm finally at a place where I'm accepting that I'm her mom! That I can be called mommy, and refer to myself as mommy! I no longer feel like I'm babysitting someone else's kid! I'm Gemma's mom and I can finally accept that, Colby! I'm finally starting to believe in myself that I can do this. That I want to do this! I'm trying so fucking hard at giving her a good life, that you get put on the back burner! I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been lacking in the girlfriend department, but I only have so many hands Colby, and right now; I'm really trying to get my life to a good point to where I can be proud of myself for how far we've come. I want Gemma to have a good life. No one ever thinks an addict can do it; I want to prove them wrong. I want to prove myself wrong. So yes, I've been a shitty girlfriend, but I've been a damn good mom lately and that's something you can't take from me! So be mad! Be fucking mad that I forgot to tell you I was moving my daughter and I back to California. Be fucking mad that I keep fucking up and so called lying to you. I'm figuring out my life, for me. For Gemma. To give us a place to sleep, to have money to eat and buy her food and clothes! I'm fucking figuring it out, okay?! So if you wanna be mad that you got put on the goddamn back burner of my life, BE MAD but don't you fucking dare make me feel bad for putting her first!" I finished, his eyes watching me before he swallowed and finally spoke, "I think we need a break"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" I exploded, jumping off the couch. "You're fucking pathetic!" 

"Leighton.. you can't give me what I need right now.. and it's wrong of me to expect more from you. Like you said, your plate is full-"

"You're quitting on me because of this?! Are you for real?"

"Please understand-"

"NO! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND! YOU PINNED AFTER ME FOR SO LONG. TRIED TO GET ME TO DATE YOU, BE WITH YOU, UNDERSTAND YOU AND THAT WE COULD BE OKAY! I kept telling you it was a bad idea! That I'm not good at this, that I'm not ready! And you ignored it, and you wanted it. You wanted that label, you wanted something more and I was willing to try! But life get's hard and messy and you fucking walk?! YOU'RE WALKING?!"

"I need to put myself first right now" He said, his eyes watching me, full of sympathy and I hated it.

I just nodded, my jaw clenched, but I stayed quiet. My mind was racing about what to say, but I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't sit here and watch him give up on us all because things got hard.

He was mad at me for moving... and now he's breaking up with me because I can't give him what he wants?

What does he want?

"I uh.. I know this won't change anything. It won't change how you feel or anything.. but what could I have done to make you feel like I was giving you what you needed? To feel enough?"

"Leighton" He sighed, shaking his head.

"No. I deserve to know. Clearly I'm the issue, so what can I work on? Where did I go wrong?"

"Leighton I think we should just-" He started, but I cut him off; glaring "What? Sweep it under the rug? Fuck you. I deserve to know. You're the one that said closure was important!"

"It sounds pathetic-"

"Well you are pathetic so" I interrupted, Colby glaring at me.

"I just want more. I mean, you can't even say that you love me. Do you know how much it hurts to say it to someone over and over again, and them not reciprocate it?"

"But you said it was fine. That it was okay I wasn't ready?"

"Will you ever be ready?" He shot back, my body jolting backwards.

"I'm trying-"

"I know! But.. Leighton..."

"What?"

"It shouldn't be this hard. Maybe you were right. Maybe we weren't ready"

"Are you giving up on us, or are you giving up on me?" I asked quietly, my heart feeling like it was going to explode out of my chest.

He stayed quiet and I just nodded, taking a deep breath.

"How long have you known you were going to break up with me?" I asked, trying to keep it together.

"Leighton I don't want to break up to you"

"Then what are you doing?"

"I think we both deserve to find something better. To find happiness. To be okay. This isn't working, and it hasn't been for a while"

"How long?"

"How long for what?"

I groaned, "Did you know you were going to dump me?"

He stayed quiet.

"Colby!"

"Since August"

Now it was my turn to stay quiet, my lips rolling into a thin line, the familiar tightness in my chest.

"I guess we both kept secrets" I murmured, rubbing my eye. "You said I'm not the one willing to fight for us.. but you gave up so easily.. I guess I understand why. You made up your mind months ago. I guess... I guess I was the one that got played. I guess.. I should've seen the signs. I mean.." I paused, letting out a deep breath, " I hope you find what you're looking for. I'm sorry for being the problem, and for making you feel like hell. Sorry that I made this really hard for you.. so hard in fact; that you couldn't tell me for two months that you wanted to end it with me. I bet that was really hard for you. Glad you got that off your chest. Hope you can breathe now" I spoke in my best sincere tone. "Whose the one being let off the hook now?" I muttered, "Have a good life Colby. I genuinely hope you get what you're looking for out of this and uh.. Gemma's birthday? It will be on Thanksgiving at my parent's house. You're still welcome to come" 

With that I walked out the door, feeling my eyes sting as I quickly went down the stairs. My mind was racing, but I knew I couldn't cry.

Not now, not ever. 

I was going to be okay. He wasn't going to ruin me.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times? We're just fucking stupid.

I didn't cry for weeks. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't utter a single word that we broke up, I just stopped talking about him.

I focused on Gemma, and myself, and pretended everything was fine.

I was determined to be fine.

Sure, maybe that pack of cigarettes from August were almost gone, but I was fine.

Tonight is Gemma's first Halloween, and Lexi and I had planned on taking her out for maybe 20 minutes and seeing how it would go. Lexi had found an adorable duck costume and told me she'd cut off all of my toes if I didn't make Gemma wear it.

Gemma cried as she stumbled over her feet, tears streaming down her face; big glossy eyes and pouty lips staring up at me as Lexi forced her to take photos.

"I know honey, I also wanted to be a Disney princess, but sometimes we're a duck" I frowned, picking up and wiping at her tears.

We walked down the block of my parents house, mainly because my mom wanted to see Gemma in her first ever Halloween costume; smacking Lexi across the back of her head when she saw it was a duck.

"Lexi Nicole!"

"What?! It's funny! She looks cute!"

Gemma started crying again, my mom taking pity. "I know honey, come here" Mom pouted, grabbing Gemma from my hold. "What did they put you in, baby? I'm sorry they made you a duck" 

I rolled my eyes chuckling, "She won't remember anyway"

"That's a load of crap! Do you know how many photos Lexi has taken?!" Mom accused, Lexi grinning as she snapped another photo.

We eventually took Gemma out of the costume so she didn't overheat as we waited on Cynthia, Gemma snacking on some puffs in her High Chair when Lexi asked, "Is Colby coming?" making my whole body freeze.

"No uh.. he had plans" I half lied.

"Oh. I didn't expect him to miss this" She shrugged, pouring a few more puff cereal onto Gemma's tray.

"Babies first holiday!" Cynthia called out.

I let out a breath of relief, smiling at my niece.

Harper was in a "Wicked cute" onesie, peacefully sleeping in her carrier.

"She looks so cute! She's getting so big and it's only been two weeks!" 

Gemma cried through the entire photoshoot with Harper, causing Harper to cry as well.

"I didn't think this through" Lexi muttered, Cynthia snickering. 

We eventually got some doable photos before being on our way; Cynthia staying behind to pass out candy with my mom.

By the end Gemma was passed out in my arms, Lexi's phone shoved in my face.

"Lexi Nicole, I will throw your phone down the damn sewer if you don't get it out of my face"

"Scrooge"

I rolled my eyes, picking up my pace back to my mom's house.

I ended up finally breaking the news to my family that Colby and I had split; keeping the details private. I could see it in my mothers eyes that she was disappointed; yet offered encouraging words.

The closer we got to Gemma's birthday, the busier I became. 

Gabe and I were facetiming a lot more lately as we figured out how we were going to manage thanksgiving and Gemma's birthday, not to mention  I was actually going to take my expungement case to court which I was really excited about.

I landed a job working at a fast food place who thankfully hired me; it wasn't a good job, but it paid the bills.

I ended up calling Casey and explaining that I couldn't make it because of Gemma; leaving out the fact that Colby and I dated and were now broken up, promising her I'd meet up with her soon, laughing when she said only if I bring Gemma.

I hope Sam and Colby had a good night at Waverly; I hated that I was going to miss it, but I really didn't want to spend all night with Colby when I was trying to focus on moving forward.

Sam had texted me that it went really well, and he understood why I was no longer going and asked if it was okay if Stas replaced my spot. 

I've kept in contact with Sam and Kat; but it definitely wasn't like it used to be. Everything felt weird. 

I kept getting annoying flashbacks to when all my friends sided with Gabe, frantically looking for warning signs from Sam and Kat, feeling thankful when I didn't see any.

Maybe I did finally have real friendships? I guess only time will tell.

The week of Gemma's birthday I met up with Katrina for a girls day; my dad watching Gemma for me so I could get my nails done.

It felt weird to have long nails again.

Gemma had a new obsession with everything glitter, so I had gotten sparkly nails, loving the way her eyes lit up when she saw them.

"Do you love them, baby? Mommy was thinking about you" I cooed, moving my nails in the light, her eyes fixated on the shine. "I love you baby girl. I can't believe you're going to be one! Are you excited to go shopping? Mommy's been saving up so we can go buy you a cute birthday girl dress!" I spoke with excitement; picking her up and bouncing her a little, her eyes still looking at my nails.

I smiled when her little fingers ran over the tiny jewels. 

"Let's go get you your own sparkles baby"

I pushed Gemma in the cart, smiling at her as she waved at everyone who went by, giggling to herself when they waved back.

"You silly girl" I chuckled, running my hand over her hair.

I held her as I shuffled through the racks, pulling out the stuff she touched, letting her look at it, asking "Is this what you want?" before putting it back when she touched something else.

We stood in the baby clothes aisle for maybe 15 minutes when I saw her face light up, her  hands reaching out as she squealed; Colby's chuckle behind me.

The hair on my neck stood up, turning around.

"Hey" I said softly, letting Gemma be taken into Colby's grasp.

"Hey" He gave a small smile, putting his attention back on Gemma. "Are you shopping with mommy?" He cooed, her grin making him grin back at her. "What are you guys looking for?"

"Gemma's first birthday outfit"

"That's right! You're gonna be one!" He gasped, bouncing her a little, listening to her laugh.

"You're coming, right?" I asked, Colby nodding.

"That's the plan; what do I buy her?"

"She's into stuffed animals, books.. sparkly things. If you want to help out with clothes; that would be appreciated. Um.. Landon bought her some little like puffy block things that she likes throwing around lately"

"How are you doing Leighton?" 

"Good"

"Yeah?"

"Mhm"

He sighed, "Please talk to me"

"You don't deserve to know anything Colby. You broke up with me"

I watched his face fall and he nodded, "How's Gemma then?"

"She's been good. She's growing up quickly though. It's so weird to see her mock Nova's bark, or play on her own whilst I make dinner"

"I can't believe she's independent already. It feels like just yesterday she was crying at your feet whilst we made those grilled cheese things"

"Times are a changing' Colby; whether we like it or not"

"I'm sorry, you know?"

"Colby-"

"No, I know. It doesn't have to mean anything.. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened and how it unfolded. I uh.. that wasn't my goal. Us breaking up that is"

"Colby we can't do this here, now"

"I know; I just wanted you to know"

"Okay"

"I hate that you didn't come with us" He confessed, pulling at my heartstrings.

"Surely you didn't expect me to after what happened?"

"No, but I would've liked you to"

"Yeah well, things change Colby. I really need to find her an outfit before I have work, so I will see you at her birthday"

"Leighton-"

"Have a good day Colby, come here G"

I watched Colby take a deep breath, passing Gemma back to me who started pouting her glossy eyes.

"Colby has to go bye bye Gem. Can you wave bye?" I asked, knowing he hasn't seen her do that yet. 

I waved at Colby, Gemma following my actions which made his eyes light up.

Immediately he waved back, "Bye bye G. I love you darling, be good for mommy"

The day of her party was chaotic.

Gabe had flown in the night before, which meant I finally met Zara.

She seemed nice. Sweet. Gemma seemed to like her, which is all I really cared about.

She was a Korean girl with a bubbly personality and a loud laugh which always caught Gemma's attention.

"Is there anything I can help with?" She sweetly asked as I cut up some strawberries into a bowl for Gemma.

"Um.. by the fridge is a table cloth and some plastic plates. Can you set out the table cloth and take the plates out of their wrapping? I need to start putting stuff in bowls"

I got Gemma occupied in her high chair with some food, allowing me a few moments to prepare a few of the snacks into bowls.

This afternoon was her party, this evening being Thanksgiving dinner that way people could leave for their Thanksgiving plans whenever they needed to.

My dad was smoking a turkey in the backyard, Cynthia, my mom and Landon working on the sides as Lexi and I focused on Gemma's birthday.

Sam and Kat had showed up as I slowly walked behind Gemma, making sure she was safe as she crawled up the stairs; confused that I didn't see Colby.

I gave a quick wave before closing Gemma and I in the hall bathroom.

Distracting her with my phone; I quickly pulled on some jeans and a cute sweater; fixing my hair so it was in some loose curls.

Gemma squealed whilst I changed her diaper, working against me as I pulled on the one piece outfit, her legs thrashing around as she laughed, my fingers tickling her tummy, loving her giggles.

"You crazy girl" I laughed, snapping the bottom of the outfit. "Careful!" I laughed loudly; her feet slamming into my thighs as she wiggled around. "Can you say mama?" I hummed, Gemma's head tilting. "Mama? You better say Momma before dada" I warned, leaning down to kiss her cheek, "Look at mommy's pretty girl!" I cooed, lifting her up to show her in the mirror. "Happy birthday love bug" I kissed her cheek, again, grinning at her smile in the mirror.

"Let's go show Nonna how cute you look!" I squealed, wanting to keep her mood up.

I was hoping that if we started calling my mom Nonna to Gemma; that'd she say it soon.

A girl can dream, right?

I was still terrified that one day my mom would slip away from us; so I was cherishing every little moment I got between my daughter and mother.

My parents both fussed over Gemma, making me laugh at how she was eating up the attention.

"There's our birthday girl!" Kat squealed, kissing Gemma's face, scooping her up into a hug. "Auntie's missed you! Look how cute you look! So grown up Gemma!" Kat squealed, Gemma giggling at the tickles and kisses.

"See Uncle Sam, Gem?" I pointed, her eyes following my finger, Sam waving.

Gemma's hands tossed up into the air, Sam laughing, taking her from Kat.

"Happy birthday Gemma Lorraine" He cooed, also kissing her cheek.

"I need a photo! Oh my god!" Kat squealed, pulling out her phone.

We all took a few photos together before I finally asked, "Where's Colby?" not seeing him amongst the new litter of people.

"He was last minute packing and wrapping her gift. He should be here soon" Sam said and I nodded, confused.

Packing?

Half an hour passed when the doorbell rang; Gemma quickly crawling towards the door, Gabe in tow.

"Gemma, it's Colby! Are you excited?" Gabe cheered, catching my attention.

My head whipped around, my breath hitching at the sight of him.

Fuck he looks good.

God dammit Colby

"Don't you look like a princess!" He gasped, setting down the gift bag and picking her up, following the theme of today, loving up on the now one year old. Gemma's hands reached up for his hand, pulling at it. "You want it? You can have anything you desire, baby; it's your birthday. Here ya go" He plopping his hat on her head, the accessory practically covering her entire head.

"Pose with her Colby!" Kat called out, her phone pointed at them.

Colby and Gemma walked into the room, Gemma waving at everyone, listening to their laughter and coos.

My eyes followed Colby as he sat on the floor; Gemma crawled over towards her scattered toys.

I wanted to say hi, but I was also terrified to go anywhere near him. For starters, he looked insanely good, and I hated that I couldn't walk up to him and love on him, and second, my family kept staring at me.

They knew we weren't dating anymore, and it felt like they were just waiting to see what would happen now.

I hated this.

My heart fluttered every time I watched them interact, Gemma's giggles and belly laughter were heard as they played.

I could feel it in my chest. I could hear those beautiful three little words... but instead of happiness; all I felt was pain.

I couldn't keep denying, and I hated that it kept repeating in my head as I watched them.

I loved this man, and I hated that.

I couldn't tell him, I couldn't act on it.. they were just trapped in my stupid little head making me wish I could numb the voices.

Why did he have to make me love him?

I wanted to kiss him so bad, to thank him for coming, and being there for my daughter no matter what... but he didn't want me. He didn't want us.

He made me love him, to not want me and I wanted to hate him for that.

When it came time to do cake, I pulled it out of the fridge; Gabe buckled Gemma into her highchair. "Hey Leighton?" he called, my head looking up at him. "Do you want her clothes off for the smash cake, or?"

"Um... I guess so, if we want her wearing that for the photos?"

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I watched her face light up, squealing when everyone sang to her.

Her little hands dug into the cake, squishing it between her fingers, grinning.

"Gonna try it baby?" Gabe asked, swiping his finger in the frosting and plopping it in her mouth.

Once everyone had their cake and Gemma was content with frosting all over her face, I sat down next to Colby, crossing my leg over my knee, carefully cutting into the cake.

"Hey" I started, knowing if I didn't say anything, I never would.

"Hey. Cake is good"

"Yeah? My mom made it" I smiled, feeling proud.

"Your mom can bake?"

"She dabbles here and there" I shrugged, silence falling between us. "So uh... Sam said you're leaving?"

He nodded, slicing his own cake "Yeah, going to Arizona for the month"

My eyes widened, turning to look at him, "The month?" 

"Yeah, going to go see my family for a while"

"So you're coming home when?"

"After Christmas, or my birthday. I haven't spent the holidays with them in a while"

"Oh... so I don't have to invite you to our family Christmas?"

"Nope" he popped his P and I sighed.

"Is this how it's going to be forever? Small talk and awkward silence? I'm trying Colby; I really am. I hate this. I hate that this is what we've become"

He stayed quiet and I sighed, pushing myself up off the chair, ready to walk away when his hand caught my wrist.

"I'm sorry" He whispered, my body freezing.

I shook him off, walking back to the kitchen and taking a deep breath.

Gemma had a blast opening her gifts, tossing tissue paper everywhere, giggling when it landed on her head.

“You’re a good mom, Leigh” I heard, my head turning to see Colby.

“Thank you” I mumbled, turning to look back towards Gemma, feeling his breath on my neck.

“I’m proud of you. We all are. Look how happy and healthy our little girl looks. You did that Leighton. A year ago today, you gave birth to this gorgeous little girl, and here she is; smiling and laughing with your friends and family. You did it. You are doing it. I just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you”

I felt the tears prickle in my eyes, turning to look at him; Colby leaning back against the couch again as Zara showed Gemma her new stuffed animal blanket.

“Thank you” I told him sincerely, Colby nodded. “No. Thank you. For being here, for coming. For sticking by my side even though I don't deserve it. For being there for Gemma. For loving her the way she deserves… thank you”

“Leighton, I’ll always be here” He said softly, the laughter around us drowning out his voice.

I nodded, wiping under my eye and turning around, taking a deep breath.

I can’t do this here, not now.

I eyed Gabe’s parents who were ignoring me, focusing on Gemma; thinking about how many people came together today all for her.

This room was littered with people who were there for her. I caught myself wiping under my eyes, smiling at her as she squealed over new toys and laughed when her daddy put torn wrapping paper on her head.

My daughter was loved, and that’s all I could ever really ask for.

I laid in bed with her that night, my little arms wrapped around her neck as I sang to her softly, feeling her breathing even out against my skin, pressing a soft kiss against her head.

“Happy birthday Gemma Lorraine Fox, I love you”

* * * * 

Hang in there, we aren't done yet lol

Written on: December 7th, 8th, 10th, 11th, 12th 2022

Published on: December 12th 2022

Word Count: 6k

Part Forty Two

[britswriting]

Desire (40)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

Life's definitely been weird lately. I hated feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells around everyone, but I was afraid that with one wrong move, everything would come crumbling down. So that's why on Thursday morning, Gemma and I decided to make Colby some brownies before I had to go over to Cynthia's, taking my mind off of whatever might happen there. 

"Come here baby!" I encouraged Gemma to crawl over to me, her hands grabbing my pajama pants to try and lift herself up. "You're getting so big" I kissed her cheek, picking her up, holding her on my waist. "Wanna help mommy? Here baby, we're making Colby yummy treats"

I grabbed her bumbo chair, plopping her down on the kitchen island, buckling her in before opening the box of brownie mix, handing her the bag of dry ingredients to mess around with whilst I got the wet ingredients ready.

I cut open the bag, moving the bowl closer to her. "Look Gem" I hummed, smiling when she giggled as the powder landed in the bowl, creating a dust cloud.

I listened to her giggles and babbles whilst I baked, finding myself smiling every time I looked over at her.

She just looked so happy.

I picked her up out of the booster seat, holding her on my hip as I cooed at her; picking up the oil. "Wanna help momma? Here baby" I pried open her hand, letting her grip the measuring cup in front of my hand. "Let's pour it in" I murmured, leaning her forward as we dumped the oil in "Woo!" I cheered, a big smile on her face as I bounced her. "Let's drop it in the sink baby"

I chuckled when her eyes widened at the loud noise, the metal measuring cup having been tossed into the sink. 

I tried to have her help me stir the ingredients, but she had more fun just clutching a wooden spoon in her little hand and banging it on the bowl.

"You're going to be such a little chaos baby aren't you" I snickered, her hand pulling at my shirt as I stretched, her eyes wide. "I've got you baby. Look at your chubby little cheeks!" I munched on her cheek making her laugh, loving hearing her belly laugh.

I sat on the floor with Gemma, playing with some blocks and baby books as we waited for the brownies. When the timer rang, I hurried to the oven; hearing Gemma's baby hands smack the floor as she crawled, following me.

"Watch out baby" I warned, not wanting her by the oven. Not surprisingly, she didn't listen. "Come here monkey, up you go" I moved her to the bumbo seat, clipping her in so I could grab the brownies.  "Look yummy, baby?" I asked, showing her the brownies from afar, giggling at her grabby hands and whines. "We've gotta give them to Colby honey, you can't have one" her lip quivered, destroying my heart. "I'm sorry baby, you did such a good job though! You were such a big helper!"

Her whimpers turned into cries; her hands reaching for the pan of brownies.

"It's gotta cool off Gemma" 

I sighed, setting the browns down and picking her up, bouncing her in front of me as I made funny noises; trying to get her to laugh again. I kissed all over her face, hearing her small giggles start to erupt from her.

I grinned, feeling proud of myself. "I knew you had giggles in you. You're such a giggly little girl aren't you? Mommy's giggly little monkey" I cooed, loving the smile on her face right now.

She eventually started whining, so I let her down, listening to her little baby hands slap the floor as she crawled away.

I kind of missed when she didn't know how her legs worked. She's been getting quicker at crawling, making my life even more stressful as I tried to keep her out of danger.

By the time we were out the door, Gemma had completely forgotten about the brownies she so desperately wanted, making my life a million times easier.

When we arrived at Cynthia's door, I helped Gemma ring the doorbell, her eyes wide when we heard Nova's barks on the other side of the door.

Cynthia opened the door, appearing extremely pregnant which looked so weird considering I haven't seen her in so long. 

Nova was going berserk at us, barking and going into a play bow, her nub wiggling as Gemma stared at her with wide shocked eyes.

"It's like the doggies at home G, Remember Captain, and Dakota?" I smiled, trying to get Gemma to giggle again by bouncing her and tickling her tummy, even placing a kiss on her cheek. 'Nova sure has missed you baby, she's so excited. Wanna say hi?" I asked, crouching down so we were at Nova's level.

I tried so hard not to laugh at how shocked and overwhelmed Gemma appeared, her eyes wide and lips parted as Nova came up and sniffed her.

"Do you not remember our doggies at home? Nova looks just like them" I giggled, Cynthia smiling down at us.

"Nova, be a good girl. Gentle" Cynthia reminded the dog, Gemma's hand coming out to hit the top of Nova's head.

"G, careful" I softly lectured, Nova freezing. "Nova, you're going to have to get used to little baby hands smacking you" I chuckled, running my hand over Nova's head and ears. "You're such a good girl; I've missed you" I hummed, the memory of when I first met her coming to the forefront in my head.

"She's gotten so big since the last time I saw her" Cynthia fussed, her eyes a little glossy. "I totally get your pregnancy meltdowns now" She giggled, wiping under her eyes before reaching out for Gemma. "You're getting so big!" Cynthia bounced, Gemma clapping her hands which made me laugh.

"She's been loving to hear herself make noise lately, so sorry in advance" I warned with a snicker, focusing my attention back on Nova, peeping up over at my daughter and sister in law.

I honestly felt really nervous visiting Cynthia today, but surprisingly it went well. Neither of us really brought up our slight falling out, sort of just making it water under the bridge as we hung out and caught up.

We both ended up getting emotional when she mentioned Logan not being here for the delivery of her baby. I hated that for both of them. I knew how much it would mean for my brother to be at his child's birth, and I hate that he has to miss it. I hate that he's gone and that neither of us can turn to him whenever we need him. He was my rock at my lowest points and fuck did I miss him.

G and I left around dinner time, making our way towards Colby's, and I was annoyed that Gemma had fallen asleep in the car, knowing how much of a pain in the ass it has became to transfer her from her car seat to her crib.  

I carefully unclipped her buckles, wincing when I saw her face scrunch up.

Shit.

I paused my movements, waiting it out, only to continue when I saw her face relax.

Thank god.

I carefully moved my fingers under her armpits, slowly lifting her out of the seat, praying to god that she stayed asleep.

I thanked the good lord when she was safely against my chest, not making a peep. I gently closed the car door, bouncing and shushing her as her body froze at the sound, trying so desperately to keep her asleep.

I rang the bell, rocking Gemma softly, humming as I waited.

The door quickly opened, startling me as Jake stood there in front of me.

My face scrunched up as he let me in.

"Jake?"

"Hey Leighton" He welcomed, my feet carrying me into the house, Jake shutting the door behind me.

"Why are you here? Not that I uh.. don't want to see you.. but?"

"Oh! I heard about what happened to Colby, wanted to make sure he was okay" 

I nodded, continuing my soothing motion to keep Gemma asleep.

"Where is he?"

"Up in his room, I really have to poop so sorry to just leave you, but uh" He laughed, throwing me a peace sign for quickly walking to the bathroom.

I took a deep breath, shaking my head before walking further into the home.

I didn't see anyone downstairs, so I walked upstairs and found Gemma's makeshift crib still in the guest room, laying her down and carefully closing the door.

I knocked on Colby's bedroom door, my lips pursed as I waited.

"Come in!" He called, my hand twisting the handle as I pushed open the door, spotting him immediately. "Oh! Hey" he smiled, making me smile as I walked over to him.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I asked quietly, stepping over a pile of laundry as I walked over to him.

"Been alright" I nodded, leaning down to kiss him. "I thought you had plans today?"

"I already went and saw her, wanted to come see you before it got too late. Gemma and I wanted to drop off something we made for you, but it's still in the car"

"You didn't have to do that babe-"

"It's nothing. Was a good distraction" I shrugged, Colby nodding.

"Where is G?"

"Asleep in the guest room"

"Ah! So I have you all to myself" he smirked, his hand grabbing my wrist, "Come here pretty girl" he hummed, patting his lap and my eyes widened.

"Absolutely not! Your leg is injured!"

"My leg is, but my thigh isn't-"

"Colby, no!"

"Party pooper"

"No! I don't want to hurt you!"

"Excuses"

"Colby!"

"Fine, fine!"

"You're annoying" I muttered, Colby chuckling.

"Come sit with me at least. If I can't have you on my lap, I at least want you on my bed"

I obliged, moving to the other side of the bed, crawling under the covers and cuddling closer to him.

"I've missed you, I hope you've had a good day"

"S'fine" I slurred, shifting under his arm. "I wasn't expecting Jake to open the front door"

"Yeah? It's been nice seeing him though! It's been a while"

I nodded, "Do you guys talk often? You haven't spoke about him in a while"

"Been busy"

"Too busy for your friends?"

"Something like that" He said softly and I dropped it, not wanting to ruin this moment somehow.

I ended up falling asleep against his chest, Colby scrolling through his phone and showing me a few Instagram posts here and there before dozing off.

When I woke up, the bed was empty.

I huffed, stretching out against the silk sheets, not bothering to get up until I remembered he had a broken leg and somehow wasn't in this bed right now.

When I got out of bed, I quickly used his bathroom before walking to the guest room, seeing the door open and the playpen crib empty.

Surely he didn't carry my baby and his crutch down the stairs, right?

I descended down the stairs, faint voices directing my feet towards the living room.

I turned the corner, Sam, Jake and Colby all sitting on the couch, Gemma snuggled into Sam's chest appearing passed out as they all talked.

Shit. I didn't want to disrupt them. I didn't want to be that person who came between their hang out time.

I sighed and walked back up the stairs, knowing Gemma was fine.

I crawled back into Colby's bed, missing the warm covers as I texted a few people back.

Landon and I were currently looking at possibly getting an apartment together which made my chest flutter, and not in a good way.

I hated the idea of moving back home, but I really didn't want to miss out more time with my mom, so I knew I needed to suck it up and just do it. After all, it shouldn't be permanent, but like Colby said, it should help make this a lot more convenient as I tried to get my record expunged. 

I was however nervous about landing a job here again, especially after how hard it was the first time, meaning I needed to start my search now.

I don't know how long I laid in bed for, but I did text Colby letting him know I was up and to text me if Gemma needed anything.

I was definitely surprised when three hours went by before I got a text asking if I was staying for dinner.

I sent back that I didn't want to intrude on their guy time, Colby leaving me on seen.

The clock read 6:40, and I knew Gemma should've been hungry a while ago which was confusing.

I walked down into the kitchen, prepared to see a cranky baby, but instead I saw her sitting in her High Chair happily eating the food in front of her.

"You guys didn't have to do that" I spoke, startling Sam.

"She was hungry and you were resting" Colby shrugged, offering Gemma her bottle.

"But-"

"No but's Leighton. She's fine"

I sighed, nodding. "Thank you for your help" I ran my hands over his shoulders, his back to my chest as I bent down and leaned forward to place a kiss on Colby's cheek. "You really should be the one resting though" I mumbled into his ear before fixing my posture.

"I'm alright Leighton, stop worrying. Just sore, but I have meds"

I kept quiet and just observed as Colby fed Gemma dinner, Sam and Jake sat at the kitchen island scrolling through their phone.

"Do you leave tomorrow?" Sam asked, looking up from his phone.

"Yeah, at 3pm"

"Are you staying the night?"

"I don't want to intrude. I'll head out soon" 

I heard Colby sigh, "Leighton, you're not intruding"

Doesn't feel like it.

"It's fine Colby, I know you haven't seen Jake in a while. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Oh! Speaking of, I need to go get your treat!"

I carried the brownies in, Gemma's big smile making me laugh when I entered the kitchen again, her face covered in food.

"You having a good time baby?" I giggled, setting the glass pan on the kitchen table. 

"What did you make me? Oh! Brownies! Yummy" Colby spoke in an excited tone towards Gemma, Gemma instantly giggling at him.

"G was a big helper. She definitely deserves all of the credit"

"Yeah? You gonna be a baking prodigy Gem?"

~

"You really don't have to go Leighton-"

"It's fine. I need to get her to bed at a reasonable time anyway"

"Leighton, honestly you're not intruding"

"Colby, hang out with Jake. I'm not mad or anything. You're allowed to hang out with your friends. I wouldn't of came if I knew he was here"

His eyebrows furrowed, "Do you have a problem with Jake?"

"What? No. Why would you think that?"

"Because the second you got here, you've been eager to leave"

"No. I just don't want things to be weird. I don't want to intrude on your hang out time or whatever"

"For the last time, you're not intruding! No one is mad that you're here. It's literally all in your head!"

I frowned, "It isn't in my head. I just.."

"You just what, Leighton?"

"It's nothing. I gotta go. Please be careful and I'll text you before I leave"

"What? I'm not seeing you tomorrow before you fly out?"

"I don't want to intrude-"

"Oh for the love of god! You're not intruding!" His voice raised, catching me off guard, "What is going on?"

"Nothing is going on"

"Leighton!"

"What?"

"Stop it. What the fuck is wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Why are you lying to me?"

"I'm not lying to you. Why do you think I'm lying? Why are you making such a big deal out of this?!"

"Maybe because I don't want my girlfriend to leave? Maybe because you leave tomorrow and I want to spend time with you, and you're leaving and saying I won't even see you before you fly out tomorrow?!"

"What, do you want to see me tomorrow? You should be resting! It's not like I'll never see you again!"

He groaned, "Fine whatever. Have a safe flight back" He muttered, turning to crutch away from me.

"Colby! Stop being dramatic!"

"Goodbye Leighton"

I rolled my eyes, slamming the door behind me as I made my way towards the car, feeling extremely frustrated.

What was such a big deal of me leaving so he could hang out with his friend? It's not like he was hanging out with me anyway. 

I don't understand.

When I got back to my parents house, I got Gemma ready for bed and thankfully she went down nicely, leaving me to be able to watch a movie with my mom that night, trying not to focus on whatever Colby's problem was earlier.

Right before we boarded our flight, Colby sent me a text saying he loved me and to fly safe. The text under it read to send him a text or call him when I landed.

I sighed, leaning my head against Gemma's, thankful that she was in a good mood today.

The flight went well, Gemma and I watched baby shows the entire flight, keeping her occupied for the most part.

Once I got my bags and waited for Uncle Garret to pick me up, I texted Colby that I had landed safe, not hearing from him until hours later.

Towards the end of August Aaliyah had flown in to hang out with us, and it definitely felt good to see her again.

It felt like no time had passed at all and it made me feel silly for letting my mom make me think Aaliyah was distancing herself, reminding myself that we both were just busy now.

Aaliyah and I made cookies one night as we watched Hell's Kitchen, just enjoying each other's company again and I loved seeing how excited Gemma got seeing her Aunt Lay Lay.

"She is getting so big! I remember when you were in your mommy's tummy" Aaliyah spoke in a funny voice to her. "That feels like so long ago" She sighed, looking over at me.

"I can't believe she's going to be a year in practically two months" I sighed, wishing I could turn back time.

By mid September Landon and I had found an apartment, my dad and him going to go snoop it out, FaceTiming me the walk through and letting me hear the realtors spiel about why this place was so great.

Colby and I have been okay.

We've definitely been FaceTiming a lot less lately which sucked, but we were both pretty busy so I understood.

Colby's leg had been healing well, and he was able to walk on it now, he just had to be careful, so I was pretty pissed when I found out that he had gone on a trip with Sam to go film at some weird haunted place, but I kept it to myself.

The last thing I wanted to be was controlling. I was just worried, but I was afraid he wouldn't understand where I was coming from, and I really didn't want to argue anymore.

Aunt Ginger helped me pack up my stuff whilst Gemma was FaceTiming Gabe aka Gabe was talking to her and watching her play, Gemma completely ignoring his presence, more interested in the building blocks in front of her.

"So Leighton" I heard him call, catching my attention.

"Hm?"

"What are we doing for her birthday? When am I booking my flight?"

"What do you mean? You're not going to be here for her actual birthday?"

"Are you having the party on her birthday?"

"I don't know yet Gabe"

"Well that's what I'm trying to figure out. I need to figure out my classes, Leigh, and buy tickets before it's last minute. Speaking of, can I bring Zara?" He asked, stopping me in my tracks.

"You want to bring your new girlfriend to our daughter's first birthday?" I asked, caught off guard. I saw him nod and I sighed. "Fine, but she's not allowed in all of the photos. I don't want her in all of my daughters first birthday photos if you don't stay together"

I opened my calendar, scrolling two months over. "Her birthday is a Thursday.. Do we want to do it on the following Saturday? The 27th? — Shit, we can't. That's Sam's birthday"

"Leighton, who cares-"

"I'm not going to intrude on Sam's birthday Gabriel"

He rolled his eyes as I scanned my calendar, trying to figure out when the best time for her party would be.

"Do we even want to have a party? We could just spend it together with her. Order a cake, buy some gifts. Have it be lowkey" 

"She deserves a party Leighton"

"But she's not even going to remember it!"

"No one said it had to be extravagant, but she should at least be celebrated. You just said you wanted to do family photos or whatever"

"Well yeah"

"Look.. it's still two months away.. but we do need to figure it out. I can't miss too much school, so I wouldn't be able to stay for like a week or whatever, but I could come for like three days or something"

"I mean.. we could do it Friday, the 24th? Or the Saturday before her birthday"

"Do you want to do it that far before her birthday?"

"I don't fucking know Gabe! I haven't thought about it!"

"Shit, her birthday lands on Thanksgiving Leigh"

"Fucking hell, why couldn't she have been born on her due date? — Wait, shit! That's going to be a recurring problem isn't it?!"

"Yeah"

"God dammit! Well fuck us, right? How the fuck are we supposed to do her birthday parties!"

"Like we are now, before or after her birthday"

"We could just have it on Thanksgiving. We could all come together-"

"We both know that's a bad idea. Our families do not get along"

"Yeah well tell your mother to fuck off, and we'll be fine!"

Gabe chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm sure that would go over well"

"Well what, am I just supposed to throw two parties her entire life?!"

"I'm sure G would love that"

"But my bank account wouldn't!"

"Look, let's just do it on Thanksgiving.. have both of the families come together and see how it goes" He suggested and I sighed, opening November 25th on my calendar, typing in "party" next to "Gemma's birthday". "Fuck! Those tickets are going to be so expensive!" he groaned and I rolled my eyes, ignoring him.

September 29th was our official Move In Day of the apartment. Landon was going to "move in" first, and make sure it was good to go and all cleaned, my dad helping him baby proof the place before we got there.

Uncle Garret was a god sent for offering to help us move back, I truly couldn't thank him enough.

Gemma and I flew to California on October 3rd, Uncle Garret having left on the first so we hopefully make it there together, Uncle Garret planning on flying back home on the next day.

I truly owed that man my life for how willing he was to drop everything and help me at the drop of a hat.

I already was in debt to my Aunt and Uncle for letting me live with them, so I can only imagine how much it'll take for me to feel like I fully paid them back for their generosity.

"Ready to go see our new home G?" I cheered, picking her up out of her car seat, grabbing the diaper bag and pushing the car door closed.

We were on the fourth floor of the building, Gemma surprisingly loving the elevator.

She kept giggling at herself in the mirror, her grubby little hands wanting to touch the glass.

I knocked on our apartment door since I didn't have a key yet, not expecting Finn to open the door.

"Long time no see!" I joked, stepping into the apartment.

Gemma squealed at the sight of Landon's best friend, Finn happily filling her into his chest to say hello.

"Where's Landon?"

"Bathroom"

"Go figure" I laugh, my eyes scanning the apartment.

It looked nothing like my last apartment.

You walked into a small entryway, walls on either side of you. You could see the living room from the front door. 

I walked further in, not slipping off my shoes just in case Landon did a half ass job with cleaning.

To my left was a small kitchen, but it looked nice. Everything in here was definitely older looking than my last place, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

To my right was a closet and what appeared to be a bathroom. I hated that the only bathroom was near the front door, but beggers can't be choosers, so I got over it.

I passed the kitchen, stepping into the living room, a dinning room on my left and a hallway leading to the bedrooms on my right. 

Uncle Garret got there two hours later, all of us helping on unpacking the truck, Lexi being put on babysitting duty.

Uncle Garret, Finn and Landon started working on Gemma's crib, whilst Lexi, my mom and I dug through boxes, working on organizing everything.

"So where is Sam and Colby? I figured they'd be all over helping you" Mom asked, handing me hangers of my clothes for me to put away.

"They're gone filming"

"Ah"

"Mhm"

I could feel my mom's gaze burning a hole in my back as I hung up the hangers.

"How is Colby doing since the accident?"

"As far as I'm aware, he's fine" 

"Oh"

"What mom?"

"Nothing"

I rolled my eyes, letting it go.

Two hours later I walked into Gemma's nursery, seeing the crib and diaper changing table put together.

"Where do you want everything, Leighton?"

We shuffled a few things around, Finn helping me put the crib sheets on.

We decided to focus on getting Gemma's room put together so it was done and ready for her to sleep in, all of us focusing our attention on filling the drawers, unboxing diapers and organizing her baby toys.

Her nursery was small, but it got the job done and it felt good to leave her room later that night and know it was finished and ready for her to use as bedtime approached.

We all sat on the floor eating our take out pizza, watching Gemma crawl around and squeal when Finn crawled after her, letting her think she was getting away from home.

Something about this moment just felt like home.

I caught myself multiple times smiling and laughing with my family, watching our antics unfold as we ate dinner together.

That night Gemma was pretty rough to get down to bed, which was unsurprising since she hated sleeping in new places, so I was definitely exhausted by the time she finally passed out in her crib.

I fell asleep around 1am, tossing and turning the entire night.

I guess we both hated sleeping in new places.

That week Landon and I worked on really organizing everything and figuring out where we wanted things, and what would work best.

I thanked him for baby proofing the place, laughing as he complained about the safety drawer clips, griping every time he went to put a knife away that it was a pain in the ass to unclip.

"That price we pay for her safety!" I reminded him, laughing as he muttered "Yeah yeah yeah"

Landon was organizing our movie cabinet whilst I played with Gemma, next to him, hearing him mention Cynthia. "I heard they're going to induce her"

Cynthia was still pregnant, much to her distaste.

"I feel so bad for her. The last few weeks of pregnancy for me were a bitch, and Gemma came early!"

"I heard she has a doctor appointment tomorrow, she's supposed to text mom and let her know I guess"

"Are you excited to be an uncle again?"

Landon nodded, "I hate that Logan is going to miss it though"

"Me too" I sighed, wishing I could just bring my brother back home.

Later that night whilst I fed Gemma, Colby's name popped up on my screen, asking me to facetime.

I immediately panicked, and just clicked the audio button, not wanting him to see I was in my apartment.

It didn't dawn on me until that split second that I still haven't told him I moved back, wanting it to be a surprise, but he's been too busy for me to be like "Come over" 

Colby's face popped up on the screen.

"Hey! Why can't I see your face?" He pouted and I gnawed on my lower lip, debating what to do.

"I uh.. sorry"

"What's wrong? Why did you decline the video?"

"Er.."

"Leighton?"

"I moved!" I quickly spat out, my eyes widening, not daring to look down at his face.

"You what?"

Shit.

"I moved back to Los Angeles"

"Leighton! What the fuck?! What do you mean you moved?!"

My heart raced as I turned the video camera on, holding the phone out so he could see my face.

"Surprise?" I spoke with uncertainty, hating the look on his face right  now.

"When the fuck did you move?! Why didn't you think to mention this to me sooner?! Leighton, what the hell?! You fucking moved?! When?!"

"Slow down-"

"ANSWER ME!" His voice raised, Gemma's eyes widening at the tone, shoving a cut up carrot into her mouth.

"Damn, okay!" 

"I moved in on the third"

"THE THIRD?! LEIGHTON RAE FOX! THAT WAS ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"I'm sorry!" I whined, hating how he was looking at me right now.

"No! Genuinely what the hell?! Why wouldn't you tell me! When did you decide to pull the fucking trigger?"

"Uh. Landon and I started looking back in August-"

"You've got to be fucking joking-"

"Colby-"

"No, fuck off. I— Are you fucking serious?"

"About what?"

"Oh my god!" He groaned, his had running over his face. "Where the fuck are you living now?"

"Not too far from my parents place. It's maybe... 25 minutes?"

I watched his head roll back as he breathed heavily before looking at me again, shaking his head. "Were you just never going to tell me?"

"No! We've just been busy"

"Oh!" He scoffed, "So you couldn't have just dropped it in one of our hundreds of texts these past two months?! Are you for real right now?!"

"Colby-"

"No! You don't think I deserved to know that my girlfriend was moving back to California?! That was less than an hour away from me?! What, was I just supposed to run into you at the grocery store?! Genuinely Leighton, what the hell goes through your head sometimes?!"

"I've been fucking busy Cole! It's not my fault-"

"BULLSHIT!" he cut me off, my face turning stone cold as I glared at him.

"I'm not doing this right now-"

"Of course you're not! Not now, not ever!"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Typical Leighton fashion, always thinking of herself-"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU FUCKING MOVED!"

"YOU'RE ACROSS THE DAMN COUNTRY! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU COULD HELP ANYWAY!"

He chuckled, his jaw clenching as he shook his head, staying quiet.

"If you have something to say, fucking say it!" I glared, Gemma eyes trained on me as she played with her food, a look of curiosity in her eye as she watched.

"I have nothing to say to you" He muttered, angering me.

"Fucking bullshit. Spit it out Colby"

"You've been incredibly selfish these past few months" he said, my jaw dropping.

He did not just-

"Goodbye" I muttered, ending the call and taking a few deep breaths, wanting so desperately to cry, but I sucked it up and focused on my daughter.

My phone buzzed, my eyes glancing down at the screen.

Colby 🙈🥵 Typical.

I felt my jaw clench at the message, swiping it away and locking my phone.

I let Gemma out of her highchair once I wiped down her face and hands, tossing the messy bib onto the table.

I cleaned up after dinner, listening to Gemma crawl around and bang some toys on the floor as she giggled at the sound of Elmo's annoying voice playing from one of her books.

I heard my phone ring and I swear I was going to chuck it out the fucking window.

The third time it rang, I walked over to it, surprised to see my dad's name.

"Hello?"

"Hey! Was just calling to inform you that Cynthia had her baby"

I almost dropped my phone.

"WHAT?! Boy or girl?!"

"She had a baby girl, you've got a niece" He said, sounding extremely happy.

"Oh my god!"

"She went into labor early this morning"

"Wow! I.. I can't believe it" 

My mind immediately went to Logan who missed out on seeing the birth of his first child, a lump forming in my throat.

"Visiting hours tomorrow starts at 12 if you want to pop by" He informed me and I nodded, still reeling at the fact that I now had a niece.

"What's her name?"

"Harper Jude Fox" 

Instant tears.

"She gave her Logan's middle name?" I whimpered, feeling like I needed to sit down.

"She looks perfect, Leighton. Both my granddaughters are precious. Truly God's gift, just like my children. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be a papa again!" 

He sounded so excited and I couldn't help but smile as I started to cry.

Our little family was growing. I had a niece. My brother had a daughter...

Wow.

"I'll definitely come tomorrow! I can't wait to meet her!"

I got to the hospital around 1:30, having bought Cynthia a gift and some treats, struggling to carry the bag and Gemma.

Gemma was babbling my ear off, a few things starting to sound like real words as she talked, earning a lot of looks from the nurses who waved hello at her.

I knocked on Cynthia's door, my dad opening the door and taking Gemma, saying hello.

"There's my other granddaughter! Well don't you look stinkin' cute" 

She giggled, her hands tossed in the air as he kissed her cheek, fawning over her outfit.

"Tell Papa we got it for a steal! I found that at the thrift store a few months back. Isn't it adorable?!"

"Look like a princess Miss Gemma Lorraine" He cooed, pretending to throw her in the air, listening to her squeals and giggles.

"Hey momma!" I leaned down to hug Cynthia. "Feeling okay?"

"I'm doing alright. Really sore"

I nodded, both of us smiling over at my dad who was still messing about with Gemma.

"So where is my perfect little niece?"

"She's in the nursery right now"

"Dammit!"

Cynthia laughed and I walked over, grabbing her gift.

"I got you a few things. If you don't like something, we can return it. It was kind of last minute"

We hung out for a little bit, Cynthia making fun of how impatient I was to meet my niece.

The second they reeled her in, I swear I was going to cry.

"Oh my god!" I whisper yelled, "Oh she's so cute! She's a lot bigger than Gemma was"

"Well I hope so, she cooked a lot longer" Cynthia laughed and I twitched my fingers above her, wanting to pick her up so bad, but not wanting to disrupt her.

"They're going to have to forcibly kick me out to get me away from her" I warned, finally picking her up and snuggling her close to my chest. "Oh she's so cute! You guys did good!" I half joked, Cynthia laughing. "Gem?" I called, my daughter's head turning towards her name which made my heart flutter. "Wanna meet your new best friend?" 

My dad sat Gemma upright, and I crouched with Harper. "Gemma Lorraine, meet Harper Jude, your new best friend" I smiled, trying hard to keep my tears at bay. 

Gemma stared down at the baby, her hand carefully landing on the baby's forehead before giggling and I swear I was going to lose it.

"She's your new cousin G, isn't she so cute? I guess it runs in the family" I winked, grinning at how happy and bubbly my baby looked. I looked over my shoulder towards Cynthia, "I love that they're not even a year apart. I can't wait to watch them grow up together" Cynthia nodded, my dad's voice turning my attention back to the kids.

"I can't believe I have grandkids! I'm only in my 40s" He shook his head in disbelief.

I choked out a laugh, shaking my head. "You wish you were in your 40s! Gemma, tell papa he's an old man now!" I grinned, my dad shooting my fake daggers. "Wanna hold both your granddaughters, papa?" I asked, amazed at the sight in front of me.

We got both the girls situated and I pulled out my phone, snapping a few photos.

It all felt so surreal.

Life has changed so much lately. I couldn't believe Gemma's birthday is next month, or that my brother has a daughter now. Let alone the fact that I moved back to California.

I was in a state of awe and disbelief when Gemma and I finally left the hospital.

G and I arrived at my parents house to check up on my mom, the three of us lounging in my moms bed as we watched TV, Gemma crawling all over us and the comforter when my phone buzzed.

Colby 🙈🥵 We need to talk

* * * * 

Written on: December 5th, 6th, 7th 2022

Published on: December 7th 2022

Word Count: 6k

Part Forty One

[britswriting]

Desire (38)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

TW: Body negativity towards Gemma + Leighton with possible triggering words, mentions of blood, both very brief!

*Leighton's POV*

"How's your banana G?" Sam asked, walking into the kitchen where Gemma was sat trying a new food.

a/n: this baby is a lot bigger than Gemma lol, this baby is like over a year old. Gemma is almost 9 months, but she's on the smaller scale size wise for her age range aka she's short and tiny lol she's our little smush 

"Tell Sam it's yummy" I cooed, watching her squish the food in her hand. "She's a big fan" I snickered, looking at the mess in front of me.

She held her hand out to Sam, the squashed banana in her hand as she screamed at him, wanting attention.

The moment she found out her voice could scream and it would get her attention, she never stopped. It's been great. Totally don't ever get a headache from her shrieks. 

Sam paused for a second before bending down and pretending to eat the banana, "Mm! Yummy G!" He encouraged, a big grin on her face as she giggled, bringing the banana to her mouth, her hand spreading as she slapped it to her mouth "I'm allergic to banana" he said, my jaw dropping.

"Sam!" I gasped, Sam chuckling as he opened the fridge, taking out some milk and eggs.

"What are your plans for today?" Sam asked, digging through a cupboard.

"Gemma and I have to go to Gabe's parents house, after that I am hanging out with Lexi and Landon. Colby's busy today isn't he?" I asked, Sam nodding. "Yeah, he has a merch shoot today for his own line"

"That's exciting, by being his girlfriend, do I get free merch? Maybe I can resell it and afford rent" I joked, Sam rolling his eyes as he laughed.

"Yes you can have free merch, and no you can't resell it. At least not till it's out, then if you wanna sell it, go ahead"

"Damn, I should've dated Colby sooner! Think I can raid his closet and make a buck?"

"I heard underwear goes for a lot" Sam chimed in, my laugh echoing through the kitchen which made Gemma giggle which in return made Sam and I laugh at the fact that Gemma joined in on our laughter.

Every day she was becoming more and more of a tiny human, and I loved it. I loved watching her grow, and her personality shine through.

She was definitely a curious girl, and had no apprehension which made things interesting. I was very afraid of when she was going to start walking, and jumping off of things. I could definitely see a few ER visits in our future, her needing stitches or a cast, something that will definitely drain my bank account.

Her favorite thing right now is slamming things or banging things, and I think it had to do with liking to hear the loud sound, knowing she was causing chaos.

"Good morning Gemma!" Kat's voice sang, her peppy footsteps hitting the tile. Gemma squealed, throwing her hands in the air, sending bananas flying.

"Gem, careful" I softly scolded, mentally adding cleaning time onto my morning timer.

It was currently 9:15, and I needed to be out the door by 11:40, internal stress starting to rise as I tried to sit in the moment, but all I could think about was everything I needed to get done before I had to leave.

Kat walked over to the highchair, pretending to eat some of Gemma's mashed banana. Gemma's eyes widened, her mouth dropping as Kat slowly brought the banana to her mouth, G's high pitch scream and grabby hand towards the food stopping her. "Geesh, here" Kat laughed, plopping her finger into Gemma's mouth, giving her the mushed up banana back. "Leigh, your baby is a food hog" I shrugged, chiming in, "I'm just glad she's eating" Gemma squealing yet again, "Yes you, you're a selfish little banana hog" Katrina cooed at Gemma, teasing her, Gemma's banana filled grin causing Katrina to laugh.

Something I didn't expect from having a baby, is how much of a welcomed distraction she would be. My mind definitely has been racing since yesterday, I mean, how could it not? But something that has been nice is now that Gemma is going to be 9 months old in two weeks, she's on the move and I constantly have to be worried about where she is, what she's doing and what she is putting in her mouth. I don't have time to think about how I was lied to, or how my life is slowly crumbling beneath my feet, or how I'm going to get through this. right now I'm just making sure she's fed, and cared for, and happy.

I was doing my best.

"Are you visiting Cynthia before you leave?" Sam asked, pouring the scrambled egg mixture into the hot pan.

"I'd like to. She's due soon, which is weird to look about"

"Damn, already?"

I nodded, scooping up some of the mashed banana off the tray, spoon feeding it to Gemma, only for her to shove my spoon away with her hand.

"G" I laughed, her hand slapping the banana, playing with it. Breakfast has definitely become a meal we had to plan for. There was no quick and easy bottle in the morning before work. I had to wake up early now to feed her due to how much she loved to play with her food.

"Good morning girls, Sam" Colby greeted, walking into the kitchen and over to Gemma, which appeared to be the theme this morning. "Well don't you look happy" he laughed, noticing the smile on our baby's face, covered in her breakfast. "Oh, you're sticky" he grimaced, her hand touching his. "Thanks for that G, glad I just showered" he teased, leaning down and kissing the top of her head, making her giggle. "Gemma!" He gasped, standing up abruptly. "You have banana in your hair!" he pointed at her, her giggles filling the room.

Well, I guess a morning bath was in order.

I watched the three of them move effortlessly around the kitchen as they got prepared for today, Gemma finishing her breakfast right as Colby had to get going.

"Let me know how it goes with Gabe's parents, tell Landon I said hello, and you little girl, better behave" he warned Gemma, eyeing her up before leaning down to kiss her goodbye.

"Good luck with your shoot! Have a good day!" I called as he was leaving, Colby stopping in his tracks and turning around.

"Can't believe I forgot my favorite part of the day" he hummed, leaning down to kiss me.

"Get a room!" Sam called, Colby kissing me a few times before pulling away.

~

Gabe's parents' house went okay. There were a few passive aggressive comments towards me, but I ignored them and stayed quiet, wanting to just get through the day. It was nice to see Caden though, Gabe's brother. He was around the age of my younger siblings.

One thing that stuck with me throughout my car ride to pick up my siblings was something Bridget had said whilst holding Gemma.

 "Oh, you've gained some weight" Bridget noted, bouncing Gemma slightly. distaste evident in her tone, angering me.

"That's a good thing" I piped up, knowing how bad we struggled with getting Gemma to keep weight on when she was younger.

"Look at her chunky thighs" Bridget frowned, Gemma looking at her with curiosity.

"Mrs. Bennett-"

"What are you feeding her? Are you feeding her too much? You know, obesity-" She started, making me hit the end of my rope.

"OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!" I snapped, quickly standing up and snatching my daughter away. "If you don't like me, that's fine. Whatever, but don't you dare pick on my daughter's weight!"

"But the rolls—"

"Are supposed to be there! She's still underweight for her age" I glared. "Even if she was overweight, she's still my perfect little girl!"

"Oh, so she just has your genes then" Bridgett huffed.

"What does that mean?"

"She's naturally chunky looking"

I sighed to myself, hearing the soft snores of my sleeping girl in the backseat, trying not to let my mind overthink her words too much.

I knew Gemma wasn't overweight, because it was a topic of conversation at most of her pediatrician appointments about how she needs togainweight.

The past few months she's definitely plumped up a bit which made me feel good, but she still wasn't where she should be. 

I just couldn't help but feel so much resentment towards Bridget, and her judgmental ways. I had gotten used to her jabs towards me, but hearing her pick on something as dumb as my daughters thighs being chunkier than the last time she saw her, irked me in a way I've never felt before.

I pulled into my parents driveway, texting my siblings that I was here, not wanting to wake Gemma to go in.

I saw a text from Colby asking how it was doing, and I unintentionally let out a deep exhale, testing him that it went fine, and that I was waiting for my siblings, in return asking how his shoot was going.

There was also a text from Aaliyah giving me her flight info for when she comes, letting me put it in my calendar so I didn't forget. 

I scrolled through my texts, practically jumping out of my skin when the passenger door whipped open.

"Hey Leigh-" "Jesus christ!" Landon and I said at the same time, the back door also opening, Lexi climbing in. "You scared the shit out of me!" Landon snickered, shutting the door and grabbing his seat buckle.

We had a bit of small talk in the car, catching up a bit, when the topic of relationships got brought up.

"Are you still seeing that guy Lex?" I asked, glancing at her in the rearview mirror, seeing her head shake. "What happened?"

"He was flirting with Veronica"

"Whose Veronica?"

"The whore of the school"

"Ah" I hummed, nodding my head slowly.

"Is there a reason we never got to meet him?" I pressed, curiosity eating away at me.

"Dad wouldn't have approved" She shrugged, my curiosity becoming even stronger.

"Why?"

She stayed silent.

"Lexi? Lexi Nicole, what was wrong with him?"

"He was older" She muttered.

"Huh?"

"He was older"

"How much older?"

"Twenty six" she muttered, shrinking in her seat.

"TWENTY SIX?!" I shrieked. I turned to Landon, "Did you know?!" he nodded and I smacked his arm. "LANDON!"

"What?!" He shrieked back at me, becoming defensive.

"You fucking knew and didn't tell me?!"

"Wasn't my place to tell" he shrugged and I glared.

"Lexi, you're seventeen!" 

"I'll be eighteen next year!" She defended, but I wasn't having it.

"He's older than my boyfriend!" I hissed, feeling myself become protective. "How the fuck did you meet a twenty six year old anyway!"

"Er"

"LEXI"

"A PARTY!"

"What party?" I pressed, so wishing I wasn't driving right now so I could beat her ass. 

"An influencers party" She mumbled, and I immediately used my blinker to switch lanes, turning into a parking lot so I could beat her ass.

I put the car in park, quickly turning my body to face her, "An influencers party?! What the hell were you doing there?!"

"I was with a friend"

"Whose party?"

Maybe Colby knew them?

"I don't know"

"YOU DON'T KNOW?! LEXI!" I yelled seeing Gemma jump in the mirror that was on the headrest of the backseat above her car seat, her lip quivering before she started to cry from my outburst. 

"Why are you so mad? You're no saint!" She snapped, my eyes widening, "Are you for fucking real right now?!"

"IT'S TRUE!"

"You're a bitch" I grumbled, rolling my eyes before tossing my seatbelt off and hopping out of the car.

I opened the backdoor, I could feel Lexi's eyes on me as I unclipped Gemma's car seat buckles, picking her up to soothe her.

"Shh, it's okay. Mommy is just mad at auntie Lexi" I shushed, cradling her.

I felt her tears make my shirt wet which broke my heart.

I grabbed my diaper bag, shutting the car door and walked over towards the grass area near the car, dropping the diaper bag on the grass before carefully sitting down, my hands keeping Gemma held close.

I tried to set her on the grass, but her fist was clutched to my shirt, making it hard to set her down.

I tried to continue soothing her as I dug through the diaper bag, trying to find her rattle that she enjoys, when I heard a car door shut.

"Uncle to the rescue!" Landon spoke in a silly voice, quickly "zooming" over towards us, "ripping" Gemma from my hold and spinning her around, trying to get her to laugh.

I heard her little giggle, relief spreading through my nerve system, letting me effectively shuffle through the bag.

With another sound of a car door shutting, Lexi was standing next to Landon, fussing over Gemma.

Where the fuck is this rattle? I swear I always pack it, it's her favorite toy!

I literally dumped the diaper bag out, groaning when one of her puff cereal containers popped open, a handful of them falling out onto the grass.

I resisted the urge to chuck it across the lawn, taking a deep breath and grabbing the container to close it, trying to figure out what to do with the puff cereal.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. I repeated to myself, pulling myself together as I collected the fallen out baby food, not sure what to do with them now.

"Leighton?" I heard from behind me, not replying as the pieces of cereal I just picked up, rolled out of my hand, pissing me off. "Leighton?"

Stupid fucking baby food, where the fuck is her rattle?!

"Leighton?"

"WHAT?!" I snapped, whipping my head around, Landon looking at me concerned.

"Are you okay?" 

I ignored him, glaring at the sprawled out contents of my diaper bag.

I found an empty Ziplock bag, snatching it and taking the lip of it between my teeth to open it, stuffing the trashed cereal inside of it.

"Do you need help?" I heard him ask as I started collecting my items, not seeing her rattle anyway.

"Landon, just give me a minute" I begged, haphazardly tossing stuff in the bag, Gemma's cries and Lexi's attempts of getting the baby to giggle being the only thing I could hear.

"Leighton, what's wrong?" I heard him ask as I reached to grab her blanket, shaking the grass and dirt off of it as I messily folded it, throwing it into my bag.

"Leighton, just stop for a second!" He demanded, his hand grabbing my shoulder. 

The moment his skin touched mine, I felt my body shake as my breathing turned to panting; my eyes became watery, trying desperately to shut off my brain and calm down.

I felt arms wrap around my neck from behind, Landon pulling me into his chest.

"You're okay" he soothed, holding me tight as my tears fell.

I can't believe I'm fucking crying AGAIN.

I missed being high and fucked up, I didn't cry then.

My eyes closed for what felt like a minute, except when I opened them, Lexi was standing in front of me on her phone, Gemma was in front of me, pulling things out of the diaper bag, and Landon still had his arms wrapped around me.

I took some deep breaths, trying to relax my nerve system; allowing my body to collapse against Landon. 

I wiggled out of Landon's arms, rubbing at my face to get rid of the annoying tears, feeling my eyeballs burn, which was making me irrationally angry.

"You're going to be okay Leigh" Landon reassured me, confusing me.

"I'm fine" I muttered, snatching the baby blanket off the ground, shaking it off again and balling it up, stuffing it back into the diaper bag.

"Here" Lexi said, pulling my attention away from Gemma, her phone held out towards me.

I gave her a weird look before taking the phone, asking who was on the other end.

"Leighton?" I heard Colby say and I glared at Lexi. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I spoke through my clenched jaw, keeping my hard glare on Lexi.

I heard Colby sigh "Leighton", but I cut him off, repeating myself. 

"You're not fine" He argued, my forehead twitching near my scrunched up eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes, throwing Lexi's phone at her, which she quickly caught as I stood up, grabbing both Gemma and the diaper bag.

"Where's your rattle G?" I asked quietly, bouncing her on my hip as I walked back towards the car, my eyes still burning, my chest tight as I struggled to breathe.

My eyes immediately landed on her rattle sitting in her car seat, my eyes closing as I took a deep breath, shaking off the annoyed feelings and slipping Gemma into her car seat, sneaking the rattle out from under her leg, shaking it in front of her face, trying to get her to giggle, the curiosity in her eyes as she stared at me felt it was going straight to my soul.

She eventually did crack a smile at the rattle, kicking her feet against her car seat as she giggled, her hand reaching out for the rattle, squeaking when I handed it to her.

Thank god.

Honestly losing her rattle would’ve been my last straw.

"Leighton, Colby wants to talk to you" Landon informed me once I shut the car door, Lexi's phone in his hand.

"Can you sit with Gemma?" I questioned, Landon nodding, thrusting the phone at me.

I rolled my eyes, grabbing Lexi's phone.

"What" I sighed, Landon hopping into the back with Gemma allowing me to wander away, spotting Lexi watching me.

"Lexi called saying you were having a mental breakdown, what's going on?"

"Fucking brat" I muttered, Colby silent on the other end.

"So... what happened?" He asked carefully, hearing me groan.

"I'm fine, I swear"

"Leighton I'm hours away from you, I can't help or fix it, if you don't tell me what happened. I need to get back on set in 15 minutes, so please just cut the shit and tell me what happened?"

I rolled my eyes, resisting the temptation to hang up on him.

"I swear I'm fine. I'm just overwhelmed; and I didn't have a mental breakdown!" I protested, ready to strangle my sister.

"Leighton, if you don't relax you're going to burn out. A lot has happened, and you're doing too much. Breathe. You're twenty two. You have a lifetime to fix your wrong-ings —"

"I have to go. Have fun at your shoot. I'm staying at my parents tonight" I grumbled, my finger pressing the end call button as I heard him say my name.

I quite literally stomped over to my sister, ready to slap her, but much to my disappointment, she was already in the car. 

With a few deep breaths and the best fake smile I could muster, I climbed into the car, "Are we ready to go?" I asked in an overly cheerful voice, earning confused looks.

I'm determined to have a good day with my siblings, so if that means faking it till I make it, then I better win a damn Oscar by the end of the night.

"Colby's mad at you" Lexi mumbled, my eyes rolling.

"If he's only mad at me, then he's doing just fine"

"What does that mean?"

"We WILL have a good day and you WILL shut your mouth"

Lexi, Landon and I took Gemma to a children's museum which was actually really fun.

I moved past my annoyance with Lexi, and I actually really enjoyed watching my younger siblings play with Gemma.

Landon helped Gemma crawl up some small stairs to where they had a few tactile items, and I took this opportunity to apologize to Lexi.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier" I started, watching her eyes light up, "But I cannot get on board with you dating a twenty six year old when you're still in High School"

"But we're not dating anymore?"

I sighed, remembering we're in a public place.

"How long did you date for?" She was quiet, a long disappointed sigh falling from my lips. "Did you like him?" I asked quietly, my eyes locked on Gemma's smile as she smacked a block toy, watching them spin.

She nodded, and my lips purse, a heavy exhale coming from my nose. I stayed quiet, not sure how to correctly talk about this with her. 

"I don't like you being disappointed in me" She said softly, my eyes quickly glancing over at her, seeing how sad she looked as she glanced around the room.

"We'll talk about it later, okay? I just.. I'm sorry for yelling. I'm trying to work on that" 

~

I sat at the kitchen counter with Landon, Lexi reheating my parents leftovers.

"She's so tired" Landon chuckled, cuddling his sleepy niece into his chest, rocking her softly. 

"I think she liked hanging out with you today" I told him softly, wanting to keep my voice down for her. "She recently noticed the Teddy Bear you'd gotten her before we left. She's been hanging out in her nursery more where we have it placed, here wait" I pulled out my phone, scrolling through my gallery and finding the photo, "She fell asleep with it the other day"

A text from Colby popped up on the screen, distracting us from the photo.

I rolled my eyes, swiping it away.

"So he's mad at you, and you're mad at him, for what?" Landon questioned, giving me a look.

"I'm not mad at him, he's mad at me for hanging up on him"

He hummed, dropping the conversation and thanking Lexi for the plate of food.

Once dinner was done, Gemma had awoken and Landon offered to feed her dinner, having me show him out to prep the breast milk bottle and I found some canned pears, letting him mush them up in a baby bowl.

"Good enough?" He asked, showing me the pears that now looked like apple sauce.

"Yeah, looks fine. As long as she can't choke on it — let me find a bib, actually, wait" I walked over to Gemma, tugging her shirt over her head. "There ya go!" I cheered, Gemma giggling as the shirt was tugged over her head. "You little weirdo" I giggled, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

"Have you thought about teaching her baby sign?" Lexi questioned, leaning forward against the island counter.

I scoffed with a laugh to it, "I barely have the time to shower, let alone teach my daughter sign language that I don't even know"

"We could teach her!" Lexi quickly chimed and I sighed. 

"I have to go home soon"

"I thought you were moving back?"

"And where did you get that idea?"

"I may or may not have been eavesdropping on you and Colby"

"LEXI"

"What?! You guys don't tell me anything!" She tried to defend herself, my body tensing as I shouted, "SO EAVESDROPPING IS THE ANSWER?" 

"Well if you weren't so damn secretive all the time!" 

"HOW AM I SECRETIVE?!"

"YOU DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING!"

"YOU'RE MY SISTER! I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU SHIT!"

Her jaw dropped as she stood there speechless. "Wow" she exhaled, shaking her head at me.

"Don't fucking wow me! You don't know half the shit I'm going through right now!"

"Because you don't tell me!" She yelled back, and I saw Landon grab the baby bowl and Gemma, in my prereferral, leaving the kitchen.

"YOU DATED A TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD PERVERT! YOU DON'T GET TO YELL AT ME FOR NOT TELLING YOU THINGS!"

"He wasn't a pervert!"

"HE WAS FLIRTING WITH A GIRL FROM YOUR SCHOOL! HE DOESN'T EVEN GO THERE!"

"You don't know that!"

I snorted a chuckle, shaking my head with an eye roll, "Even better! He what.. failed 10th grade 10 times?!"

"Still smarter than you" She muttered, leaving me speechless. 

"He deserves to be in fucking jail!"

"So do you!"

My jaw dropped. "FOR WHAT?!"

"For being a shitty sister!" She snapped back without missing a beat, her words feeling like a kick to my stomach.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" I said softly, my knuckle rubbing at my eye, not wanting to cry again.

I was tired of crying.

I turned around, leaving her there to go find Landon and Gemma, my shoulders dropped in defeat as I took some shallow breaths, blinking the tempted tears away.

"Are you able to care for her while I go shower?" I asked Landon quietly, seeing him nod without looking over at me, focusing on getting the baby spoon into my daughter's mouth; Gemma making it quite a difficult process since she liked to play with her food.

The second the warm water hit my tense shoulders, I rolled my shoulders back, letting my head tilt to the side as I took a deep breath, feeling all of my anger, stress, concern, and sadness come to surface.

My chest yet again tightened as I swallowed the lump in my throat, my arms coming to cover my chest, my hands resting on my throat as I breathed, feeling my pulse point under my thumbs.

The stars started falling, my hands pressing into my throat, my head tucking into my arms. I could feel my shoulders shake underneath my touch, moving my arms to rest on top of my shoulders, squeezing slightly.

I couldn't get the right amount of pressure that I was so desperately craving, causing me to sob harder when I pictured the way Colby held me when I was pregnant.

I felt so tired, and overwhelmed. Like I couldn't do anything right, and any path I turned down, only led me to even more doom.

I couldn't escape it. I felt like I was running in circles with no way to escape.

My mom is dying, my sister hates me, my boyfriend is mad at me, my brother is overseas in the army, my sister in law isn't talking to me, my baby daddy rarely answers my texts; too busy with his new life over in New York to care about me or his daughter, and all of my friends left me; including Aaliyah whom barely every replies to my texts! Not to mention that I just moved back to Minnesota and might have to move back to California due to the sudden news of my mom's illness becoming terminal which puts my already illegal job in jeopardy; not like I can get a real job anyway because of my damn criminal record that I don't even know if I can get expunged! I felt so stuck and alone and I just wanted to disappear.

Everyone always says with good news comes bad news... but there isn't any good news! I've had nothing but blow after blow, creating this pile of shit for me to sort through; to get nothing in return!

I felt my back slide down the shower wall as my sobs became louder, my hands covering my face to muffle the noise.

My shoulders convulsed as my eyes began to burn, the hot tears quickly flooding my cheeks making it extremely hard to catch my breath.

I don't know how long I sat there on the shower floor, sobbing as my mind raced with everything I needed to figure out.

I wiped at my nose, the water from the shower hitting my feet as I took some deep breaths and I noticed that my legs needed to be shaved, which pathetically enough made me cry even more.

Another fucking thing to do.

I quite literally was drowning in my own thoughts as I reached for the shampoo, not bothering to get up off the floor.

I eventually pulled myself together, rinsing out the conditioner from my hair as my mind told me everything I've done wrong, reminding me how this was all my fault.

Sure, I wasn't to blame for my mother getting cancer; but I could have been there for her more frequently if I wasn't selfish and focusing on fixing all this shit I've fucked up; and sure I didn't choose to have my brother go overseas, but I definitely was to blame for Colby being mad at me, and my sister hating me, and my criminal record making my life more difficult.

There were a lot of things I could have changed that I now need to figure out how to.. I just felt like I couldn't.

I was tired of feeling stuck, and tired, and broken.

I just wanted to breathe.

I got out of the shower, my boobs incredibly sore as I wrapped the towel around my waist, informing me that I needed to pump.

Another thing to do.

I was brushing out my hair when there was a knock on the door, my daughters wails on the other side.

I tucked my towel tighter before opening the door, Landon holding Gemma whose cheeks were bright pink, food all over her face as she made grabby hands towards me.

I immediately grabbed her from him, mentally groaning when she shoved her face into my neck, getting mashed pears on my skin.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know! She's your baby!" He said frantically, "She finished eating and just started crying"

I took a deep exhale through my nose, nodding. "Okay, I'll deal with her, thanks for feeding her" I muttered, Landon nodding before walking away, letting me close the door.

Now I get to clean the baby.

Gemma's cries echoed in the bathroom as I turned on the sink, testing the water before plugging the hole.

"What's wrong G?" I asked softly in her ear, leaning down to test the standing water. "Come here honey" 

I crouched on the floor, her wiggling body making it extremely hard to stay steady, my towel loosening as I laid her down on the rug.

I took off her pee filled diaper, closing the tabs and setting it behind me before picking up the crying baby and carefully placing her in the sink.

"Look G, water" I hummed, splashing a little in front of her. "You like water, 'member?" I kept my hand on her as I reached over for a dry washcloth, barely being able to grasp it between my fingertips, groaning at the stretch. "Mommy isn't limber anymore" I snickered, wetting the cloth and running it over her body, wiping the food off, accepting the fact that my towel was now pooled at my feet.

Her hands splashed the water, the counter becoming wet, her body wiggling as I wiped her face.

She glared at me which made me laugh, wiping a little more harshly at the stuck on pears.

She started to cry when I wouldn't give her the  messy washcloth, "You and me both kid" I muttered, eventually finishing the bath and wrapping her up in a towel. "Don't pee before I can get a new diaper, do you understand? I'm not cleaning your pee up off the rug"

I placed her towel wrapped body on the rug, her hands grabbing at my toes as I tried to finish brushing through my hair; glancing down at my phone that was now ringing.

Do I ever get a break?

Seeing it was Colby, I exhaled and answered, hitting the speaker button. "Hello" 

"You're being immature" is the first thing he said, my eyes rolling before I winced, the brush hitting a snarl in my hair, wincing again as Gemma's nails dug into the skin of my foot, informing me I needed to trim her nails.

The list never ends.

"Please don't right now" I begged, not knowing how much more I could take, and to be quite frank, I didn't want to find out.

"You fucking hung up on me when I was trying to help you!" He spoke in an annoyed tone, adding onto my stress.

"Colby, please"

"Why the fuck would you hang up on me!?"

With not another word, I clicked the end call button, feeling the familiar sting, and at this point I was getting pissed at myself.

Can I ever stop fucking crying?! Crying isn't fixing anything! 

"Ow! You little-" I stopped, catching myself as I looked down, my foot bleeding. "Gemma Lorraine!" I frowned, watching the blood start to trickle.

My cheeks puffed out as I breathed, my foot stinging from the fresh cut.

I felt a tear start to roll down my cheek, and I wiped it away, snatching my clothes from earlier off the closed toilet seat, dressing myself, listening to Gemma babble to herself, only to hear her cries and see more blood.

For fuck sake.

I carefully picked her up off the ground, seeing the small trickle of blood on her cheek.

I didn't even know her nails were getting bad! 

Defeated, and now feeling like a horrible mom, I carefully held her body that was still wrapped in a pink towel to my chest, grabbing a new washcloth to clean off the blood.

My phone was ringing yet again, the sound starting to make me lose my mind as I reached off to silence it.

Please tell me I packed the nail clippers.

I carried Gemma down to the basement where I was going to be staying, plopping her body on the bed and giving her a fresh diaper, thanking god she didn't pee, or even worse, poop herself before looking for the tiny nail clippers.

I shook her rattle in front of her face as a distraction, digging through the diaper bag only to hear my phone ring; yet again.

"I thought I silenced you!" I grumbled, fishing it out of my pocket.

It was Colby again.

Rolling my eyes, I completely shut my phone off and threw it across the carpeted bedroom, dumping out the diaper bag.

Baby over boyfriend. I had bigger problems than him being pissed at me for hanging up on him, twice.

I didn't pack the nail clippers. Fucking perfect!

Feeling extremely tired and stressed out, I just sat there for a minute, hearing Gemma start to whine, knowing she was getting tired too.

I felt defeated.

I didn't even have those stupid newborn mittens, not like they would fit anyway.

I was ill prepared, and I felt stupid for not even thinking about it.

I grabbed a soft onesie for Gemma, sighing at how it was the last clean outfit in the bag.

I was getting low on her clothes which was adding onto my stress. 

I had a little money I could spend on it if I went to the thrift store, but I also didn't want to buy more clothes if she was going to wake up tomorrow and have had a growth spurt, and not fit anymore.

It was an annoying gamble my broke ass had to play, and almost 9 months in, I was getting tired of playing.

I snapped her onesie buttons, softly talking to her as a distraction, playing peek-a-boo with the towel, listening to her giggle before carefully picking her up and bouncing her softly against my chest to try and keep her calm.

I groaned, knowing I needed my phone for the white noise, becoming annoyed at the fact that I turned it off, and at the fact that if I turned it on, he could call again and ruin the calm ambiance I was trying to create.

I sat down on the bed with my phone, turning on white noise from my Spotify app before blocking Colby's number so he wouldn't disrupt me putting her to sleep.

Sitting in the dark room with the white noise that I've come accustomed to, relaxing me as I nursed, I could feel my body start to shut down and fall asleep.

I softly brushed my hand over Gemma's head as she nursed, my eyes closed, my thoughts becoming numb.

I woke up to my phone buzzing on my pillow, Gemma's warm breath hitting my chest, my eyes wincing from the bright phone screen, trying to read my caller ID.

My face scrunched up when I saw it was Sam calling me, my fingers fumbling to hit the green button, trying to shove my phone to my ear with my shoulder.

"Hello?" I mumbled, sleep evident in my tone.

"Leighton?" He said frantically, my brain not registering his tone.

"Hm?" I hummed, my eyes closed as I fell back asleep slowly.

"Colby's been in a car accident"

* * * * 

Written on: November 26th, 27th, 28th 2022

Published on: November 28th 2022

Word Count: 6k

Part Thirty Nine

[britswriting]

Desire (30)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Half ass edited because it's 1am and I'm tired lol sorry

T/W: Body shaming 

*Leighton's POV*

Being homesick was a familiar feeling. I felt it all the time when we first moved to California, but this time was different.

I wasn't missing a place. I was missing a person. My baby to be exact.

Something that was both helping and hindering that feeling was my new ink work. Right under my left collarbone near my shoulder I had "Gemma" in a fancy lowercase font with a pretty simple tiara above the last a, slightly crooked. I almost felt like it worked out perfectly. That now I'd have her with me everywhere I went, even if I did miss her physical touch.

She was becoming my little girl in an emotional way, and to be honest I did cry this morning over it. 

I never thought I'd miss her, but in the 6 months she's been alive, she's starting to mean the world to me. She's my child. Someone I love and adore. Even her 3am wake up calls don't bug me anymore and I'm able to push them to the point where I miss them whilst I'm in Italy.

Something that hit me like a ton of bricks was that my birthday was in two days, and I couldn't help but feel sad. My baby wasn't going to be with me for my birthday and honestly it wasn't something I knew I wanted. I almost wished I had brought her on the trip, or had just stayed back in general. 

I'm learning that dumb things mean a lot to me. Things like her being alive for my birthday for the first time felt like a milestone. There was a lot more to celebrate than just me, I wanted to celebrate her. 

I ended up having a pretty hard cry session to Sam last night about how Gemma didn't need me anymore after he said that she would be okay and that there was always next year. 

I just felt like they didn't get it.

Every time I talked to Gabe, he said everything was going fine and to be honest, it hurt. She was so clingy and whiny when I left and now she's magically fine? He did say her first tooth popped which of course added to my sadness and my aunt had sent me a video of Gemma on her knees, rocking a bit, sharing the excitement of her getting closer to crawling. I had so many emotions about this trip. I was missing so much. I never thought about how much could happen in just a week, but my sweet little girl not only has her first tooth, but is even closer to crawling, and I was missing it. 

Colby reminded me about all the firsts that I got to experience, and how now this is one Gabe has. Even if it was sad, I still got to experience so many firsts that her father didn't but it didn't take away the guilt I felt for not witnessing it first hand. 

We were now on our way to my grandparents house and I felt like my anxiety was making my skin crawl. 

"It's so pretty" Kat admired, a look of awe on her face as we got closer to my grandparents home.

"How are we feeling Leigh?" Sam asked, turning to look back at me. "Look familiar?"

I was quiet, looking out the window trying to spot anything that looked familiar. A building. A road. A tree. Anything. I was grasping straws here, and yet nothing. I shook my head, gnawing on my lower lip, my eyes locked on the scenery passing by.

"We're almost there Leigh" Colby informed me and I could feel the desperation in my chest.

Please look familiar. I silently prayed.

"It should be the third house on our left" Sam told Colby, Kat's phone in my face pulling me out of my thoughts. 

Kat's been trying to have me help her pick which photos were Instagram post worthy; claiming she wanted a girl's opinion. I don't even have an Instagram, I don't know why she's asking me. I knew absolutely nothing about the algorithm and what photos looked better and would prefer better.

The three of them were trying to make it seem like they were still in California and thankfully due to them not posting anything, no one has recognized us. The boys wanted the Italy videos to be a surprise, so the first part of the trip they were filming and the second half of the trip was considered our vacation.

Sam and Colby had been filming and saving Instagram Stories to post whilst we were away, dumb things like motivation videos, them doing a puzzle with Kat, random videos of them with their friends and even a few photos about them editing. They wanted no one to think they were out of the country and the extent they went to keep this a secret was bewildering.

We turned around the corner, entering a long dirt road. It felt a little familiar but things definitely looked different.

Kat was the first to speak up, her eyes captivated by the scenery in front of us, "This neighborhood looks cute" 

I'm glad they were excited, because I felt like I could be sick. There was something that didn't feel right. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Everything just felt unsettled and tense.

"You ready Leigh?" Colby asked, the car doors unlocking, Sam and Kat stepping out.

I didn't respond as I stepped out, Colby and I met at the side of the car, his hand on the small of my back.

"Ladies first" Sam said, motioning for us to walk.

I took a deep breath before walking on the cobblestone pathway. I knocked on the door, my hands shaking with jitters.

It's been so long.

The door opened and I held my breath, Colby's hand squeezing my hip softly. 

"Leighton?" 

Shit.

"Emma?"

"What are you doing here?' She asked, and I ignored her, "Is my grandmother here?" I asked, resisting every urge in my body telling me to turn around and leave.

"Yeah, come in" She let us in, her eyes locking on the three stooges behind me.

"Shoes" I muttered to them, slipping mine off. "Mormor will kick our pale asses if she catches us tracking dirt through her house"

Colby was kicking his shoes off as he leaned closer to me, muttering "Whose Emma?" 

"Uh..-" I stalled, not really wanting to talk about it.

I couldn't even try to finish my sentence before her voice filled my ears again, my spine cringing "So, who are your friends?" she asked.

Is it too late to leave?

"Um, this is Sam, Kat and Colby" I introduced, gesturing to them individually.

Before Emma could pipe up, my grandmother peaked around the corner, a smile on her face.

"Leigh!" She grinned, a thick Italian accent making itself known.

"Hi Mormor" I smiled, Mormor pulling me into a hug.

"I've missed you" She replied in Italian and I was very thankful that I remembered quite a bit. 

Especially because Nonno speaks a lot of Italian, it was his preference, so if I didn't know jack shit this visit would be very hard.

"I've missed you too" I replied back in Italian, her tight hold keeping me close.

We eventually separated and she started rambling about what it's been like since I was here last, not even letting me get a word in edgewise.

I peeked behind me at my friends who seemed confused due to how fast she was talking in another language. To be fair, I was also lost.

"Happy?" Colby asked in my ear, checking in.

I nodded slowly, wanting so desperately to grab his hand, but I wasn't prepared for any invasive questions yet.

"I've made Kladdkaka" Mormor announced in English this time, showing off her dessert on the kitchen counter.

"What's that?" Sam asked me and I grinned, excited over the desert.

"It's like a sticky gooey chocolate cake. I think we call it mud cake? Mormor would make it every time we'd visit. It was my favorite thing!" I grinned, Mormor nodding in agreement.

"She'd have so much chocolate covering her face" She smiled, reminiscing on when I was younger. 

"Logan, Landon and I would be chocolate cake monsters whereas Lexi ate it so daintily! Then she'd throw a fit when we ate it all before she could get a second serving" I laughed, the memories playing through my head like it happened yesterday.

"Is that why Lexi shoves food into her face so fast?" Colby asked, snickering and I grinned, nodding.

"Snooze you lose!" I exclaimed, Mormor shaking her head at me.

Mormor looked over at me, glancing between the boys before asking, "So which one is the boyfriend?", making me laugh.

Does Sam really look like he could be my boyfriend? Love you Sam, but like.... I can't imagine doing anything but hugging you. If anything, I'd consider him a good friend and I owe a lot to him, but dating him? That feels too far, even if he wasn't with Kat.

I don't even bother correcting her that we weren't officially dating. It mattered to us, not my grandparents.

Colby raised his hand so his elbow was at a 90 degree angle, doing a slight wave, catching her attention.

I noticed the surprise look on Emma's face and I couldn't help but feel cocky about it.

That's right bitch, this hot guy is mine

Mormor immediately stuck her finger his face, ranting in Italian about how if he ever hurt me there would be hell to pay, thankfully, Colby didn't understand her and gave me a "what the fuck" look when she pulled him into a hug, her small frame being swallowed by his broad one.

I grinned and gave him two thumbs up, trying not to laugh at the bewilderment on his face.

"Mormor, this is Sam and Kat, Sam is Katrina's boyfriend, and Colby's best friend" I introduced, wanting to clear up the air before she made some dumb remark towards them. 

Mormor gave us all a house tour, Emma trailing behind Colby and I.

Why was she still here?

I could tell Colby wanted to slip inside one of the empty guest rooms and grill me on who Emma was.

Around dinner time, Nonno walked out into the back garden where we were all hanging out after having done a quick photoshoot near Mormor's flower garden.

"Miss Leighton Rae?" Nonno called out, the door shutting behind him. I quickly got up to hug him, my sweater tugging up a little at the stretch.

When I put on the thin knit sweater this morning Colby immediately asked me what was wrong with me. It was really hot today, but I explained that Nonno didn't like tattoos, so I covered mine; to which Colby looked concerned, motioning towards his tattooed covered arm. It wasn't that he hated all tattoos, he just didn't like them on people that he considered his children. To him I was still that same little girl he saw last. I still held innocence in his eyes.

I introduced everyone, Nonno staring Colby down like he was a starved animal. I watched Colby literally gulp, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down out of nerves.

I sighed at their interaction, walking over to stand next to Colby, resting my hand in the back pocket of his jeans, Colby jumped and then glared at me. I frowned when my hand got removed from his pocket, Colby following Sam and Kat inside for dinner.

I just wanted to comfort him and reassure him, but I guess that wasn't allowed.

I rolled my eyes out of annoyance, trailing behind Colby. It's not like Nonno had x-ray vision and could see my hand. Dinner was nice, Mormor made Kroppkakor and it was actually really good. Katrina seemed suspicious of it, but once Sam and Colby ate it she tried it when Mormor wasn't looking which made me giggle.

I tried to help clean the kitchen but Mormor quite literally smacked me with her broom, kicking the four of us out of her house after Emma suggested we go on a late night stroll.

Why was Emma still fucking here? This was not in the fine print of this trip. I want to fucking leave, or better yet, shove her down a damn well.

Good riddance bitch.

The four of us were strolling down the cobblestone path, passing houses as we went. My hand was intertwined in Colby, my head resting on his shoulder as I asked quietly if he was having a good time.

"I am, are you?" He asked and I shrugged, Colby giving me a weird look.

"Why aren't you-" He stopped, Emma interrupting him. "So Leigh, how'd you land a guy like him?" She asked a snarky tone to her question.

I pursed my lips, wanting so badly to deck her in the face.

"I think you mean how did I land someone like her" Colby corrected, my ears warming up as I hid my face against his bicep, smiling like a fool.

I felt his lips press a soft kiss against the side of my head, his hand squeezing mine simultaneously.

"I just mean, you're objectively hot, and she's well-" Emma started, but Colby was quick to interrupt her.

"I'd choose your words very carefully Emma" He warned, Emma's eyes widening a little, her lips parted out of surprise.

"Leigh doesn't mind. She's always been chubby" Emma finished, my jaw clenching.

Can I fucking punch her now?

"Yeah well at least I don't smell like road kill" I grumbled, pushing myself off of Colby and quickening my pace, my shoulder hitting Emma's, her body wobbling.

"What the hell Leighton!" She shouted, almost falling.

"Eat dirt bitch!" I yelled back, catching Sam and Kat's attention.

"Woah, what's going on?" Sam asked, but I ignored him and tried to walk even faster away from Emma.

She was not ruining my day. I need to get away from her.

I could hear someone's footsteps behind me, a hand grabbing my bicep, stopping me in my tracks.

Colby.

"Hey, it's okay. Remember how you said you wanted to react and respond differently? Please don't run away. She's not worth it" he reminded, guilt filling my chest.

"But she's a fucking cunt" I hissed, Colby surprised by my choice of words.

"But that doesn't mean you need to stoop as low. You know I love you and your body. You're perfect to me. Don't let her insecurities ruin your confidence" He told me softly, his hand now reaching for mine.

I stayed quiet, my veins still boiling with anger. I took a deep breath, wanting to change how I reacted to things.

I looked up with teary eyes, Colby's soft and concerned facial features staring right back at me.

"Don't cry Leigh, she's not worth it. You actually put on makeup today, is she really worth the black mascara smudges?" he asked, a small laugh leaving my lips.

"You're such a dork" I giggled, Colby's lips tugging upwards.

"But I'm your dork" 

"And you ruined it" I groaned, Colby grinning as he pulled me into a hug, his arms wrapping around my waist before sliding down my back and squeezing my ass. 

"Your body is perfect. Don't let some bitchy girl you rarely see get in your head. If she wants to stay in the High School mindset, that's her problem. Show her what it's like to be a grown and mature adult. Kill her with kindness"

"Can I just kill her point blank instead?" I asked with hopeful eyes, Colby shaking his head at me,  his nose letting out a breath of air like he had laughed.

"We have a beautiful daughter to get home to, I can't have you stuck in an Italian prison. Why do you hate each other so much anyway?" 

"I don't want to talk about it right now" I admitted, Colby nodding, his hand intertwining in mine as we heard footsteps behind us.

"Are we ready to head back?" Sam asked and I nodded, thankful he wasn't asking a million questions right now.

The walk back was quiet. There were small murmurs but no one really said anything. I think the part that shocked me the most was even Emma stayed quiet and seemed like she felt uncomfortable. 

I was standing in the bathroom getting ready for bed, my pump attached to my chest when there was a knock on the door.

"Leigh, it's me" I heard Colby announce, so I unlocked the door and stood off to the side.

He chuckled, his eyes locking on my body as I moved away from the door "Are you pumping whilst brushing your teeth?" 

"Mhm" I mumbled, Colby shutting the door behind us.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"Mm-mm" I shook my head, carefully leaning over to spit out the toothpaste. "It weighs down my boobs a bit, but I wouldn't say it hurts" I elaborated, moving so Colby could prep his toothbrush. "It's still weird to pump whilst she isn't here. Pouring it down the drain sucks. I thought about seeing if I could donate it or something, but it's quite the hassle, especially because we're out of the country" 

Colby locked eyes with me in the mirror asking, "Does it still hold bad memories for you?" to which I nodded.

"I don't think pouring breast milk out will ever not trigger that memory. I mean, I'm not crying over it anymore. It's just like a quick flash in my head every time I watch it go down the drain"

"I never got why it was such a big deal" he shrugged, but I could tell he didn't mean any harm by the statement.

"Well pumping isn't always easy. Your body produces this milk for the baby and then you pump it to save and or give to said child, when you just end up pouring it down the drain. It just... feels wasteful. Not everyone can easily do it. I don't know, it's hard to explain" I sighed, wiping my makeup removal wipe across my face.

"Do you care if I strip and change here?" I questioned, reaching for my clothes off the counter.

He shook his head, too preoccupied by his toothbrush to respond.

I stood in a bra and underwear as I grabbed my shorts, tugging them up my legs. "You've been wearing a thong all day and you didn't think to tell me?" He asked, catching my attention.

I couldn't help but snicker as I slid the band up to my hips, slightly covering my belly button.

"I didn't know I needed to tell you what underwear I was wearing"

"Turn around" He said, making a spin motion with his pointer finger.

"Excuse me?"

"Leigh, turn" 

I rolled my eyes and turned 180 degrees, my back facing him.

"Can I turn back now?" I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

"No, I'm admiring the view" he replied and I scoffed, turning back around and grabbing my baggy t-shirt.

"Hey!" He exclaimed as I tugged my shirt over my head.

"Shut up" I laughed, my arms reaching behind me to unclasp my bra. "Think fast" I called out, chucking it at his chest.

"Jesus" he laughed, the bra dropping to the floor. "Hell no, I can't" He immediately declared, confusing me. "You cannot lay in bed with me in a black thong with no bra" 

I snickered, shaking my head at him.

"Who said we were sharing a bed? I'm still Nonno's little girl"

"As if you weren't on your knees for me the other night" He scoffed, my cheeks heating up.

"Shut up!" 

"I'll happily return the favor" He chimed up when I squatted to grab my bra off the floor. "Oh you can just get on your knees again, damn" he said, his eyes wide at my crouched position.

I rolled my eyes, my face eye level with his crotch. Before either of us could react, I for some reason leaned forward, pressing my lips in a soft kiss against his clothed crotch before getting up, Colby's jaw dropped.

"Leighton Rae Fox!" 

I giggled, winking before exiting the bathroom.

I plugged my phone in, going through my texts when the bedroom door opened, Colby walking in and softly shutting it behind him.

"You're so going to hell for that"

"It's not like I gave you a half ass blowjob" 

"Might as well have" he grumbled, making me snicker.

"You mad baby?" I cooed, Colby glaring at me.

"You can't just press your lips against my crotch after informing me that you're in a black thong and no bra and then leave!"

"Uh... I think I just did?" 

"You're so annoying"

"That is not what you were saying when I had your cocked shoved down my throat" I eyed him, my eyebrows raised.

"See, annoying" He laughed, shaking his head in disbelief at me.

I pat the mattress next to me,"C'mere you big baby"

"I'm not a baby, you're a baby"

"How am I a baby?"

"You are what you give birth to" He shot back and I gave him a weird look.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I laugh, Colby tugging his shirt over his head.

"It means my cock is hard and we can't do anything about it" He replied back in an annoyed tone, climbing into bed with me.

"M'sorry" I slurred, pouting at him. "Your life is so hard"

"Shut up" he laughed, his head hitting his pillow.

"Mmmm no. I like hearing my own voice" 

"Noted" he sighed, tugging at the comforter.

I sighed, looking down at him. "If I knew you were gonna be mad, I wouldn't have changed in front of you. I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal"

"It wasn't a big deal"

"Well you're acting kind of pissy so.." I trail off, my lips pursed as I look down at him.

"I'm not pissy, I'm just turned on and I can't do anything about it. It's not exactly easy going to bed with a boner Leigh"

"I'm sorry"

"No you're not"

"I am"

"Yeah, you look real sorry"

"Do you want me to kiss it all better?" I teased, Colby glaring at me.

"Fuck off"

I laughed loudly, my hand quickly covering my mouth as I muffled the noise.

"Glad you find my pain hilarious"

Colby closed his eyes and I shifted to my knees, propping myself over his thighs before sitting down towards his knees. His eyes snapped open.

"What are you doing?"

"Saying sorry" I murmured, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss against his parted lips.

"Leighton, we can't" He protested, but I kissed down his jaw and up his neck. "Leighton, I can't do this. Not in your grandparents home"

"I've always wanted to have sex in Italy" I mumbled against his sweet kiss, a small groan leaving his lips.

"We can't have sex, I don't have condoms and you aren't on birth control"

"That doesn't mean I still can't have your cum run down my hand" I replied, my voice muffled against his skin.

"Leigh" he groaned, his hips rocking up a bit making me snicker.

"All you have to do is be quiet for me and they'll never know. Don't you want a sweet release?" I asked, slightly teasing him as I lifted my head out of his neck.

"God, Leigh, no" he shook his head and I frowned.

"Are you being serious or are you just saying that because you don't want them finding out? Is your no as hard as your cock?" I asked, Colby's cheeks tightening as he broke out into a laugh.

"I hate you" He laughed, his eyes closed with a smile on his face.

He looked beautiful.

"I wish I could take a picture right now" I murmured aloud, my phone sadly out of reach.

"Mm, why's that" he hummed, his eyes opening as I shifted higher up on his lap.

"Ya look pretty. Wanted to capture it"

"I'm not pretty" 

"The prettiest" I hummed, leaning forward to kiss him again.

"You're mistaken" he protested and I giggled, pulling away so my face was hovering above his, my hair falling down my shoulders and around our faces.

"You're aesthetically pleasing, is that better?" I asked and he grinned, nodding.

"You're being mushy though!" He whined, "I'm very manly" Colby declared, puffing his chest out before letting it deflate, not being able to control the held back laugh.

"Mhm, so manly. So big and strong! My big protector" I hummed in approval, teasing him.

"You know, you could lose the sarcasm"

"Where's the fun in that?"

"I don't know. making your boyfriend happy?" He cocked an eyebrow and I grinned, pursing my lips in an attempt not to fully smile at him.

"You like that word don't you. I can see you testing it out in that big head of yours. Mormor really got that nine letter word on replay in your brain didn't she"

"Sounds nice don't you think?" He asked, his hands resting on my ass, but surprisingly not squeezing.

"The title comes with a lot of commitment and expectation you know" I reminded, not sure if we were really ready for that step.

"I know, do you think I can't handle it?" Colby asked, his tone sounding like he was offended, his brow furrowed as his hands moved back up to my waist.

I frowned, trying to choose my words carefully.

"It's not that I think you can't handle it.. it's just.. your track record isn't the best" I defended, and I watched his lips part, ready to fight back, so I quickly spoke up again before it created an argument. "I just don't want to have high expectations knowing that we both have a back track record" I explained further, trying to place part of the blame on me.

"So what you're saying is you think I'm going to be a bad boyfriend" he argued anyway and I groaned, rolling off of him and laying on the bed beside him.

I let out an exhale of tired frustration before speaking, my eyes locked on the ceiling above us "I don't want to argue Colby. If this was a black and white conversation, the answer would be yes. I'm afraid of you being a bad boyfriend and me being a bad girlfriend. Of us being incompatible. You became a shitty friend when you were in your last relationship and I don't even remember what happened with that coffee shop girl... and It's not like I have the best track record with my last two.. I just don't want to jump into it too fast. I thought we were on the same page?"

"We're already acting like a couple, Leighton! I don't understand why you're so against it" He continued, sitting up in bed.

I really didn't want to argue over something so stupid, yet again.

Maybe it wasn't stupid to him though. Maybe this meant something...

"Why do you want the boyfriend label so bad?" I decided to ask, my neck turning to look up at him. "Sam said you didn't like labels. That you liked to mess around. You liked to hang out with people, so why is this different?  — Don't say I'm different. That's cliché as fuck. I told you I wasn't ready, and you seemed okay with that.. so why now?"

"I want more Leighton" He stated bluntly, his face showing zero emotion as he stared straight ahead at the bedroom door.

"More what?" I pushed, confused as to where his head was at.

"I want more! I want more from you, I want more from this relationship! I want more on social media! It's tiring to play a role without any of the credit! I've been by your side for almost a year now, I want more! I may have been a dick in the past, but I'm changing! — or I'm trying to! I'm trying to be better! I'm trying to be better for you! You have this idea in your fucking head that life is going to be perfect, that we won't fuck up! That's not how it works! We make mistakes! Why can't you try me Leighton? I put so much into this when you relapsed, I even watched your fucking baby, and you can't give me the decency to give me the benefit of the doubt with a relationship? Leigh if we're a lost cause just say it! Don't string me along! If you can't do this, or don't want to, then don't! It's as simple as that!" Colby snapped, hitting his breaking point.

"I didn't say we were a lost cause! I'm just nervous! There is a lot to think about Colby! First thing first, I don't want to fuck up Gemma's relationship with you! Even if we lived happily ever after... it's just.. Colby.. She's our little girl. I don't want to ruin that. It's not just her losing you, it's her losing Sam and Kat too! Maybe you're too far in your own world to realize that your friends leave when you do, but I don't want that for Gemma! She loves you guys, and I love that she is surrounded by people who care so much for her! I didn't have that! I've never had people want to be there for me just because I'm me! There was always a motive behind it! So yes Colby, I'm fucking scared! If we fuck up and we things over, she loses everyone she's ever known, and don't you dare try and tell me differently! When you wanted space, you didn't want Sam or Kat to contact me either! If you want me to play the villain in your story, then fine, but I'll be damned if Gemma becomes the victim!"

"I'm trying Colby" I spoke softly, tears prickling in my eyes, blurring my vision.

"It's never enough" He confessed, stopping in front of me, his blurred face being the only thing I could look at.

"I don't know what you want" I replied in broken breaths, struggling to speak through the formed lump in my throat.

"Leigh, I want you to be selfish. Put you first! Stop worrying about things that we don't even know are going to happen"

"I'm trying!" I whined, "You don't understand the weight put on your shoulders the second you have to think about your child! I'm trying so fucking hard to be better for her! To not be some washed up mother... it's hard and it's scary! Just because we don't share the same demons doesn't mean you get to invalidate mine! If you want a easier relationship, go find someone else!"

"I don't want someone else, Leighton! That's the fucking problem!" 

"I don't know how to make this better" I admitted, my voice quiet as I tried not to cry.

"I don't know either" Colby breathed out, his arms crossed over his chest, inhaling a deep breath through his nose.

"I don't understand why it's me you're so gung ho about" I muttered, looking down at my nails, my eyes catching the anxiety ring he had gotten me a year ago. "I can't help but feel like you all just want Gemma. That if I didn't have her, all of this wouldn't be here" I motioned to the room, Colby's brows scrunching together as I spoke. 

"You really think we don't care about you?" Colby asked, sadness laced throughout his tone.

"Colby, you found out I was pregnant... and your opinion about me changed completely. You went from hating me, to wanting to be involved. The second you knew I was going to have a baby, you, just like Sam, were overly invested. It was great at the time, I needed all the help I could get..  but it's never changed. You have this protection over her like you think you deserve something. Like she's some sort of trophy for you. I'm not in your life to be a surrogate to some fucked up fantasy you have. None of you ever want to hang out with me. Get to know me..." I trailed off, my chest tightening as I started to confess my deepest insecure thoughts. 

"What are you even talking about? We literally go out and talk! We did for months!" He pointed out, his arm extended out towards me, his palm facing the ceiling as his eyebrows were raised, a scowl on his face.

"You can't tell me it's wrong for me to think that without G, this wouldn't be here. You'd still be hating me, Sam and Kat more than likely wouldn't care as much... I'd be another shitty roommate you guys hated. Sam literally defended me to you because he knew I was pregnant! So many of his actions were because he knew my big secret, and the second you found out, it's like I don't exist to him! He used to be my go to person, and now it's rare if we sit down together and talk about our weekend plans. He was the person I originally was going to have be in my labor and delivery room. My whole relationship with you guys was surrounded by Gemma! Kat and I bonded over me being pregnant, and her being the only one who knew. I owe a lot to you guys, I know that.. hell, without Sam, I don't even know if Gemma would be here... but Colby, you have to understand where I'm coming from. How am I supposed to let down these walls, when no one is trying to break them down? You just get mad at me when I don't agree with you, and whenever I explain, you basically say my feelings are bullshit and that I need to just shut up and look pretty. We barely have similar interests, we bond over fast food and my baby. That's not enough for a relationship! What you want" I pointed at him, "and what I want" I pointed at myself, "are two completely different things!" I crossed my pointer fingers before pushing them in opposite directions, exclaiming my feelings to him. I let out a shaky breath, Colby staying silent as I ranted, "Tell me Colby, what is something we have in common? Something we can bond over?" I asked, my chest shaking as I tried to control my breathing, my eyes threatening to let the tears fall.

"Leighton, that's not the point-" He began and I swear my brain was going to explode.

"Yes it is! We don't have to share everything, but we need things we like to do together! My child and fast food isn't enough!"

"That's not fair Leigh! You don't even know what you like to do!" 

"You've never asked!" I pointed at him, my finger shaking.

"You like painting! That's it!" He exclaimed, trying to make a point out of his frustration, his chest puffed out, and his jaw clenched.

"Is that all you remember?" I asked quietly, swiping a tear away.

"What do you mean? That's all you've shown me!"

I frown, my nails picking at the once perfectly coated polish.

"I like cooking Colby. I'm not good at it, but I have good memories attached to it. I like watching trash TV. I know that's lame.. but it's something Aaliyah and I do together. We still do, not that you'd know. I like hiking. I used to do it all the time with Logan's ex. I just hate going alone, and it wasn't fun when I was pregnant. I like being in nature. I like road trips. I like getting in the car and just exploring. I like being spontaneous. Gabe and I bonded that way in High School. Recently I've loved taking Gemma on walks in her stroller. She gets so excited over nature.. I'm learning to bake. After all, it is where I work. I love to hang out with my family. I used to love making forts with Logan, and scaring the shit out of Landon and Lexi. I loved to get my nails done with Cynthia when I could afford it. I hate Halloween movies, and Aaliyah used to get mad at me because I wouldn't watch them with her and River was usually busy, so she was stuck watching Christmas movies with me, bitching to me about how it was too early for Christmas movies. I like going out. I'd like to go to like a bar and grill in High School and drink fancy fruity nonalcoholic drinks and play games. It was really fun. We'd play card games or board games.. I miss it. Bars hold bad memories now" I paused, my eyes glancing up at Colby, surprised I haven't been interrupted yet.

When I looked over at him, there was a deep sadness on his face, his cheeks and nose slightly red.

"I've uh.. been thinking about getting into knitting or crocheting.. I thought it would be fun to make like a baby blanket or something. Some sort of keepsake I guess..." I confessed, my hand running over the comforter. "There are things I like to do... that don't involve the baby. Even if she was brought along or did them with me... they're still things I like to do before she got here.. not that any of you cared to ask" I shrugged, leaning back against the pillow, defeat taking all the energy from my body.

"What do you know about me?" Colby asked quietly.

"Um, I know that you love that Kingdom Hearts game. It's why you got that tattoo. You said the game was life changing or whatever. I uh.. I thought about buying it to play it.. I just.. I don't really have the extra cash for it at the moment. I know how passion-ly you feel about your YouTube career. How much it means to you. Like you said, you wished I cared more about ghosts.. but I just.. I can't get into it. One thing I think is cool is witches. I know you guys have talked a bit about them, but I think they're cool. I think the history of them is cool. Anyway, I know you don't like cooking, so you tend to meal prep or order take out. You used to like Tender Greens and Chick-Fil-A. You love going on late night walks before bed. You said it calmed you down and helped you relax for the night. You're extremely competitive in Mario Kart, something you and Stas bond over. I know that your preference of pizza is pepperoni and that you and Sam liked doing pizza night at your place with your friends. It was a way to keep in touch with everyone. I always felt guilty that I couldn't join. I couldn't eat the pizza or drink or hang.. I feel like that part of my pregnancy contributed to our bonding and a reason it was so hard" I confessed, Colby's lips pinched between his two fingers. "I know that in sex you like the be the dominant one. You mentioned liking to use handcuffs and such.." I mentioned, twisting my anxiety ring. 

"And you don't because it reminds you of going to jail" Colby finished, his voice quiet, and I nodded, surprised he remembered.

"Yeah.." I agreed, trailing off as I exhaled, looking away from him.

"I forgot you liked hiking" He said, his voice still soft and somber as I shrugged. "When you knew me, I was pregnant, and I hated it. It's fine" I shrugged again.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, memories coming back to me, "You hate pickles and you thought my ham and cream cheese thing was nasty!" I laugh, tears falling down my face as I smiled at him, "And.. and you used to have panic attacks! 'Cause you helped me with mine" I continued, wiping my tears away.

"Fuck" I heard him exhale, my eyes watching him lean against the dresser, the palms of his hands resting on the top of the dresser behind him. "I'm sorry Leighton" he apologized, but yet again, I shrugged, brushing it off. "No. I mean that. I've been shitty to you. I can't even remember simple things!"

"It's okay.. I was never really your focus anyway" I replied back quietly, the scary truth being spoken into existence. "It's okay to keep me close because you're afraid to lose Gemma.. I just think we need to stop lying to ourselves. Clearly this isn't working. It never has.."

"But I really want it to" Colby said, his cheeks puffing out as he blew out stressed air.

"It's not good to force things.. it'll only make things worse" I replied softly, the whole mood in the room changing drastically.

"I'm afraid to walk away" He confessed under his breath, my ears barely catching the secretive confession.

"Why?" I questioned, my head tilted out of curiosity.

"Because the last time I left, you relapsed" he spoke the harsh words in a soft tone, my chest tightening at his words.

"Things are different now Colby. I'm in a place where I'll be okay. I'm living back in Minnesota with my aunt, my baby is getting bigger and stronger and is sleeping through the night.. I'm in therapy and I go to my NA meetings.. I'm doing the steps. Believe it or not, there was a time where I did this all by myself before you even came into my life. I'll be okay. A lot of the factors are different, and you solely leaving is not my trigger to relapse" 

"I know you've done this all before Leighton, that's what scares me" He confessed, pushing his body off the dresser and walking over to the end of the bed. "I care about you. I don't even want to think about something like that happening again" 

"Then don't think about it" I cheekily responded, Colby rolling his eyes at me playfully.

"I wish it was that easy"

"It'll get easier. Time has a funny way of healing things" I told him softly, a small hopeful smile on my face. My lips pushed together in a tight line.

"Now what?" He asked, his hand brushing against the comforter.

"I say we sleep on it, and figure it out tomorrow" I suggested, my eyes stinging from how tired and worked up I was.

"I hate when we do that" he groaned and I couldn't help but chuckle quietly.

"It's usually the best idea to not make rash decisions on a tired stressed out brain. After all, I'm going to need my beauty sleep if I have to put up with Emma tomorrow"

"Oh shit, that's right.." 

I laughed, shaking my head at him and turning off my bedside lamp.

"Come lay down, take a deep breath and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day" I reminded him, smoothing out the blanket that was on top of me.

"I can't believe this is how our day is ending" He sighed, climbing into bed. He shuffled under the comforters before asking, "Do you think we'll be okay?" causing my stomach to both flutter and drop.

"I think someday we will be"

* * * * 

I put "replied in Italian" just so it was easier to read. I don't want these chapters to be complicated 

This chapter is giving Unbroken vibes. Not only with how the chapter went, but with the fact that it's 7k words.

Written on: October 8th, 9th, 13th, 14th, 15th 2022

Published on: October 15th 2022

Word Count: 7k

Part Thirty One