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anticipatecrime · 1 year ago

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𝙣𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 | jake webber x ghost fem reader

summary: jake, and the rest of the boys go to the biltmore hotel for a video on sam and colbys channel, what happens when they encounter a ghost, you, and he doesn't believe in it? you get irritated and start to mess with the boy a/n: warning for description of a murder, angsty+ i love the concept of the whole platonic ghost stuff i think its really cute words: 4.2k

the boys walked down the miserable hallway of the biltmore hotel, no color or sense of life near. sam squinted, pointing to a small plaque that reads, 'presidential suite'. colby followed behind with the camera, filming as they joked and made references.

as they arrived at the white door, the blonde opening it, everyone was in awe. the modernness mixed with the older architecture caught them off guard. peering in, they became speechless at the size of the room. "oh my god." he said, turning on the slight switch.

"what the hell this looks like our house." jake comments, taking in the white marble floor, and grand doorway.

"oh my god, there's- oh my god." corey mumbled, never having seen something so special.

"there's a library!" sam gestured to it, before they discovered it was a second story hotel room. they stepped down the spiral staircase, into the darkness of the lower floor.

jakes hands slid down the railing, it ominously chilling. he quickly realized how heavy the air was. he slowly shuffled into the shadow, noticing the muted colors of the wallpaper.

in a matter of seconds, a shiver ran down his spine, and his heart began to race. he felt a strange wetness on his forehead. touching it, he realized it was a trickle of sweat.

how was he sweating in this moment? jake was freezing, goosebumps beginning to form on his arms, it didn't piece together. he didn't like whatever he was feeling, and stepped back next to corey.

colby called out from on the bottom step of the stairs, confused why everyone was just standing rather than finding a light.

he shook his head. "colby, come down here, go into that room with the light off." him and corey encouraged.

"i literally got scared when i went into it." jake admitted, usually never being effected by the paranormal this intensely.

colby sighed, before walking towards the next room. he closed his eyes for a second, immediately feeling what the other had, and he retreated back to the group, frightened. "i just got chills, man." he mumbled.

"no seriously, this downstairs is weird" sam stated, touching the walls as he tried to locate the switch, before giving up and using lanterns.

they began to explore the large area, feeling a change in the atmosphere. colby observed a door he hadn't spotted before. he called over his friends, before creaking open the door softly.

sam realized that the room was on both of the most haunted floors, making it a point to the camera.

as the boys investigated the room, either messing with the antique elevator, or opening closets and cracking jokes, you stirred.

hearing a boisterous laugh, your mind became conscious, tuning into the howls from below. feeling slightly disoriented from being forcibly awoken, you were irritated to say the least.

not only did these people intrude into your hotel room, they had the nerve to be deafening.

you closed your metaphorical eyes, you imagined yourself elsewhere, wishing out of all places your spirit was attached to it wasn't this one.

the laughs stopped, and you propped an eye open, confused. then you heard the same voices, but in a much more professional tone. they sounded like poor actors. if they were actors in your day, they would not succeed.

their serious voices sounded immature, they weren't even using the correct grammar, infact things they said didn't sound like words.

typically, when people stayed in the presidential suite, you tried to keep distance, not wanting to intimidate them, however these people had you drawn in.

soon enough, it was completely silent and you heard the door shut to the hotel. they had left, most likely to explore. as they were talking to something, it almost sounding like an audience, you overheard them and assumed they were ghost hunters of some sort.

perhaps you should follow, you thought to yourself.

over the years of being attached to the biltmore hotel, many paranormal investigators have come and gone, and most times they call out for you. feeling the need to impress and give these peoples lives meaning, you'll normally mess with their devices or move things around the room.

you've met some determined and cool individuals, and only wished you could leave like them, the thing you despised most was being stuck here.

the closest thing to leaving, was trailing behind guests and pretending you could be apart of their life. so you did was you generally do and follow along.

finally coming close to them, you saw their faces. you predicted they were all the same age, maybe a year or so apart at the most, probably in their very early twenties, and that they had been friends for some time.

you could see the faded yellow aura that hung around them, indicating they had a close friend relationship. looking even closer you saw purple floating with them too, a sign that they were fearful of what's to come.

one thing about them you couldn't understand. a blonde boy was holding onto a piece of equipment, you assumed a camera, but the odd thing about it was how they all looked into it and made conversation, as if there was a bunch of small people inside.

you weren't born dead yesterday, you understood that there was now something labeled as the internet, and that there was social media, however you couldn't acknowledge all of it, your mind not capable. so you moved on, and just tried to learn about the camera on the way.

the group had eventually gotten around, looking into tunnels and secret spaces around the area, and figured they should take a break to eat and relax.

once they all sat on the couches that were organized infront of the television, the camera was put away and they began chatting about their experiences around the hotel so far.

three of the guys were discussing how they felt a negative vibe, and that they were slightly frightened and creeped out already and the night had just begun.

you took note of how one of them was less enthusiastic, and scrolling on his smartphone. just by observing him, and watching his movements, it was clear he was a non believer, or atleast a stubborn skeptic. "i think you guys are overthinking it." he stated, putting down the phone.

"jake, are you going to tell me this place doesn't scare you?" sam questioned, pulling out the camera to record his thoughts.

"it doesn't. i mean think about it, tons of presidents and celebrities have stayed here, they think it's luxury. why would they stay here if it was haunted?" you thought about his logic and agreed with it, you would probably think the same as him.

"so you don't believe the hotel is haunted at all?" colby leaned in, eager to hear.

jake glanced around the room before answering a very simple, "i don't."

you furrowed your eyebrows, glaring at the boy infront of you. you stood, feet hovering above the carpeted ground. to say you were offended was an understatement.

it had been a long while since someone denied not just your existence, but all of the spirits that reside here, and honestly it had your old blood boiling. it felt like a competition to you, something that had to be proven.

you floated around the room, merging down to the lower floor to mess with something. eyes glancing, they finally landed onto the rustic old elevator that had previously given them chills.

focusing on the door, you used your energy to open it, and to rattle the guard on it. a misconception that has been passed around that you hated, was how ghosts physically touch and throw things.

it was a lot more difficult than that. you had to focus, and think about it occurring, which cost you a lot of your energy, energy that you only got back from resting.

"guys, guys, holy fuck." sam turns on the camera out of fear after hearing an eerie noise that broke the calm ambiance. they exchanged frightened but curious glances, wondering what the sound could have been.

"did you fucking hear that?" colby asked frantically, looking around the room. you enjoy the panic on their faces as they start going downstairs, so you move the fencing again.

the noise persisted, and crude waves of unease gradually wash over them, sam running down the stairs, his face fraught with urgency. as he got to the bottom, he froze in his tracks, eyes widening with trepidation. "oh god."

corey gasped. "the doors open!" he pointed across the hallway, directly where you stood.

you held your breath and scooted away as jake took your spot next to the elevator. it had been awhile since you were that close to someone, you never liking the feeling of them passing by or through you.

"wasn't it closed?" corey exclaimed, keeping his distance.

"we would've closed it right?" sam said, everyone mutually agreeing but still indistinct. he walked over to the spot, and started rocking the guard back and forth, making the exact unwavering sound you did.

you hovered near jake, and tried to touch into his emotions. he paused for a moment, chills running down his limbs. suddenly, a very unsettling feeling hits him, and all the hair on his body stands up.

it was a similar feeling to what he felt earlier, but more personal. the fear he felt was heavy, and the air quickly became thick like before. he coughed slightly, almost like someones hand floated around his throat.

he coughed again, this time everyone taking notice. they were very panicked by this situation, and distracted. "you okay, brother?" colby asked, putting a hand on the other's shoulder. he responded while nodding.

in reality he wasn't. he felt like someone was watching him, goosebumps began spreading around his skin and he kept shivering regardless of his sweater.

you watched as chaos ensued, the boys going through all of the rooms on the lower floor, looking for something that could tell them where the noises had come from.

they had stopped to converse, realizing how extreme they were being, and before they could even say a word, you were meddling around upstairs, touching a few keys on the grand piano.

you heard them panic once more, even jake confessing his fear. you sighed of relief, it was just what you wanted. you took a seat on the couch the boy had been laying on before this all happened, and leaned back, kicking your legs up.

watching them discuss what they thought the second noise was, the skeptical boy knew it was a piano, he felt it, and you were proud of him, clapping to yourself.

continuing to mess with them slightly, you found it entertaining for awhile, until it got sad to you. you never want people to fear you, you always identified as friendly to people who stayed in the room, and you knew you were just messing with them to prove jake wrong but they didn't know that.

so when you heard they were doing a seance, you beamed, because then you could hopefully let them know it was just for fun, and that you were harmless.

you were buzzing with excitement as you drifted down the hall, into the direction of the dining room. it had been a long time since you last had contact with people. the suite left unbooked for a few months, you wondered how expensive it was to rent now.

as the four boys set up their camera equipment and seance supplies, your translucent figure flickered with jolts of energy, and you waited in anticipation for it to begin.

you watched as they turned off the lights, and lit candles in between them. they flickered, providing mere glimpses of desolate space. shadows danced ominously along the walls, distorting objects into strange shapes that seemed to taunt their senses.

"we promised in our last video we were going to do a seance." sam spoke dully. "and.. we're going to do a seance."

"do we want to do this seance? not really." colby shrugged at the situation, looking at the lit candles.

they huddled against the table, and whispered words of encouragement to each other as sam attempted to google ways to begin such a powerful ritual.

jake glanced at them before wondering. "how do we as humans, decide how to correctly summon something?" he asked, not understanding.

"we don't." the other responded, still scrolling on his phone.

"i don't think anyone truly knows, so as long as we ya'know have the feeling of believing in something, trying to communicate with something no matter what. if something wants to talk to us they will.: he explains, making you smile.

as much as a skeptical he seems to be, everything he's telling the others is correct. as they discussed more, you listened, so curious in what people think about ghosts.

you could only briefly remember what you thought about them before passing, but as time goes on, your memories of being alive fade away, leaving you with gaps of confusion.

wanting to get a better view, you perched yourself on top of the chandelier, accidentally swaying it slightly. you cursed when corey noticed, this time not trying to mess with them.

they extended their hands. "if there's someone here, please use our energy to communicate with us." they spoke together, corey still noticing the light shaking. he pointed up at it, and called your actions out.

you started feeling anxious, and floated away from it, going to stand near jake and colby. within seconds, the latter raised his arm to show his goosebumps to the others.

both feeling the cold breeze, and the candles flickering slighty, the boys looked to eachother before brushing it off, and continuing with the seance. they all closed their eyes, squeezing them shut as they focused intently. "if you are here, use our energy to make a second or sign." they spoke together.

as the group sat at the table in a circle, hands intertwined, the air grew still. you hovered around the table, across from jake. you were watching him carefully. his eyes began to open, and they widened.

a chill rushed down his spine, struck with horror. he saw a translucent form, face contorted with a large grin. you looked at him questioningly, wondering why he was looking in your direction, before taking a peek behind you out of curiosity.

after seeing nothing, you realized he was looking directly into your eyes. "holy fuck." he muttered, gaining his friends attention. "holy-holy fuck." he stood up, his legs pushing his chair back. he pointed to you, and you felt an aching feeling.

"what, what is it jake?" sam asked, looking around. the pain overtook your body, making you scatter away out of sight. jake blinked frantically, and you were no longer there.

"did you guys not see that?" his heart was beating fast, and his body trembling, knees threatening to give out. a soft tear even left his eye.

"see what? oh my god are you okay?" colby inquired, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"i-i." the boy couldn't even speak, in terror. what was worst is that he couldn't tell if his mind had played tricks with him, or if what he saw was true. "i saw.. i saw someone, something."

"what?" corey exclaimed, backing away from where he was sitting.

"it was a weird shadow figure, she had long dark hair, i- i don't know what just happened. i swear i was looking at her, and then it was like she saw that i saw her, and she disappeared."

when he had looked into your eyes, he felt such an odd connection to you, even with his frightened appearance, inside he felt drawn.

"are you a medium or something?" sam asked, trying to joke a bit. he knew his friend was a skeptic, so him coming out and saying something like this was out of the ordinary.

whatever had happened, had corey scared, so scared that he quit the seance, and decided to sit a chair away, no longer holding hands and chanting. "should we keep going?" colby asked, jake nodding desperately.

taking a few minutes to calm down, they restarted. and since corey had finished being apart of the activity, they figured they might as well use the oujia board for content purposes.

you began to cry in the other room, curling your body into a ball. you couldn't believe what had just happened. for the first time ever, in 20 years, something impossible occurred. someone had seen you.

never wanting to be the source of fear and panic, this had broken you. they thought you were a malevolent spirit, that you were scary. suddenly, you felt yourself being pulled back to the dining room, almost like someone was dragging you.

you tried to fight it until it was physically taking you away. once you entered, it was obvious the boy could no longer see you. he looked across the room, seeing nothing.

feeling another jolt, you take notice at the oujia board and planchette, and realized why you were being attracted to it. they were calling out for you again, trying to speak with you.

"if there is a spirit here, can you please use this oujia board to communicate with us." colby spoke, looking at everyone fingers on the planchette.

you begin to push it to yes, and observe as their eyes widen. "is this who i saw a second ago?" jake wondered aloud. you sighed, pushing it to yes before spelling out 'sorry'.

they faced eachother. "what does that mean?" sam asked to them, before gazing around the area. "what are you sorry for?"

using energy to move it, you spelt out the word scared, hoping they would understand. the boys discussed this, finally agreeing that you were apologizing for scaring them. "are you sorry for scaring me? for showing yourself?"

"yes." you mumbled aloud, and he heard it. he jumped up, trying to spot where you were, giving up when he couldn't see you.

"i heard you!" jake commented. "can you show yourself to me again?" you talked to him through the board. spelling 'don't know.'

"you don't know how? is that why you were shocked when you realized he saw you?" colby questioned, earning a yes from the board.

"what's your name?" jake asked.

"y/n." you tried to say strongly, only coming out as a soft whisper.

"y/n." he repeated, nodding to his friends. "your name is y/n." he paused, taking a deep breath, before feeling you stand by him. "a-are you near me right now?"

you whispered into his ear, brushing it gently. "yes." he gasped, moving back.

"she's right beside me." he told them, before revealing his goosebumps.

"are you friendly?" corey asked, from outside the seance. the planchette moved to yes, you running out of energy.

"i mean atleast that's good." sam muttered.

jake felt an odd feeling, attracted to your spirit. he felt connected to you, to your energy. he breathed shakily, before opening his eyes again, seeing you next to him. he tried to stay calm, and smiled towards you.

you giggled, smiling back, and giving a gentle wave, making him do the same. you held your hand up, and he understood. both of you tried to touch hands, like a high five.

you both gasped, you moving back at what had just happened. his hand didn't go through yours, it touched it. you felt how human and alive his skin was, you could feel his pulse from it, and he had felt a cold, hard feeling. "oh my god." he spoke. "guys, i'm touching her.. her hand is cold."

corey took a step back holding his hands up. "what the fuck is going on?!" he shouted, making you flinch. "jake, i swear to god if you're fucking with us for a prank, i'm leaving." he threatened, seriously scared.

"i-i i'm not, i don't know how this is happening." he replied. "can you do this with them?"

you shook your head, not understanding how you made this happen. "then can you show them a sign? a sign that you're real?" you nodded hesitantly. "okay.. hmm." he looked around the hotel. "can you knock on the door right there?"

hovering, you traveled to the door, and tapped on it aggressively, earning shocked faces from the group. "i can't believe this is happening." sam stated to the camera, before seeing that it was off. "what the hell?" he took a closer look, and groaned, throwing his hand out. "the fucking camera turned off."

"how long ago?" colby wondered, earning a shrug. "fuck." he muttered, knowing that a lot of good content could've been gone.

as sam tried to fix it, everyone else was focused on the oujia board, as it took less energy. "how old are you?" corey asked. it spelled out 19.

"i didn't realize you were that young." jake spoke. "what happened to you?"

having to think about your death was the most painful thing for you. it was the only memory from when you were alive that you could remember every detail to, so prominent in your mind.

almost there decades ago, 1986, you were set to be married to an american man, and you were waiting for him to return in the presidential suite.

it was a stormy evening, the wind howling outside of the biltmore, one of the most prestigious hotels. as rain beat against the windows, the sound of the raindrops hitting the panes was almost deafening and you had been feeling anxious, almost as if there was a foreboding presence looming over you.

you shivered, feeling cold and uneasy, wrapping a blanket over your body as you sipped from your mug.

an unexpected sense of dread washed over you and before you could comprehend what was happening, a shadow like figure lunged at you from the darkness, catching you off guard.

the mug slipped out of your trembling hands, crashing onto the marble floor into pieces. fear consumed you, as you desperately fought back, adrenaline surging through your veins.

you screamed, calling out for help. your hopeless pleas for mercy echoed against the dull walls before falling on deaf ears. in the chaos of the struggle, you fell into a table, trying to escape from them.

quickly, the masked assailant unleashed a relentless barrage of fueled strikes, their anger mingling with the terror that gripped your soul.

time lost all meaning as each thrust of the blade hit your chest, crimson streaks tainted the white floor, becoming a silent witness. and in your final moments alive, choking and spitting up blood, your twitching arm reached up and swatted at the person.

you heard a deformed laugh, before your world subsided into darkness, your spirit fading into the ethereal realm, and that's all you remember before you woke up disoriented, and realized you had died.

tears welled in your eyes, as you sobbed, face red and swollen. jake saw your pained expression, and in seconds your memories entered his mind, leaving him the same irregular breathing and gasps.

he tried explaining to his friends what you had gone through, them still hesitant to believe in this crazy experience. "i'm so sorry." he cried out to you.

he couldn't believe how you died, and how he just got your memories, or how he could see and hear you. he felt insane.

"guys this is serious, i don't know what to do anymore." sam said, looking at the boy. "we should end this."

"brother do you understand how crazy this is? you need to.. you need to get help, or see a medium or something." corey shrugged, shaking his head.

"i agree with sam we should end whatever this is, it's taking a toll on you jake."

"guys i can't just leave her now, i have to keep talking to her. if you want you can go watch tv or something but this is important to me now. i promise you guys i'm fine, i just.. i have.. i have to do this." he begged.

"jake.." sam trailed off. "okay. as long as you promise you're okay, like don't get obsessed with this. don't be too much longer, it's already almost 5 in the morning."

"i promise." jake nodded, watching as they left the room, corey not understanding why he would do something like this.

you two looked at eachother, before trying to catch your breath. "what is it like being a ghost?" he asked, attempting to improve the mood.

"sad." you whispered, lips chapped. "stuck."

"you're stuck here?" he repeated, earning a nod. "how do you get out?" you shrugged at him. he sighed, apologizing.

you sat together in deep silence. many would think it was awkward or uncomfortable but it was calm and peaceful. the fact someone could see and know you for the first time since you died, made you feel happy, like you had a friend.

he continued to talk to you and keep you company for awhile, feeling guilty that he had to leave in a few hours. you understood he did, knowing it wouldn't last forever but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

"i'm sorry you're stuck here. i hope you find your way out or to the real afterlife so you can leave this boring place." he comforted you.

"it's okay." you smiled. finally being able to share your story was enough. you felt your body becoming numb from being so giddy. "visit."

"i'll visit you again, don't worry." he hums. "i feel like we're connected, like you'll always be attached to me." making you nod.

the two of you shared an oddly comforting hug, before he had to leave. you followed their group to the hotel lobby, and unlike most times when you went down there, there wasn't a pull.

so when you continued to follow them and you weren't stuck in place, the happiness came back, and you started to cry once more. you watched them drive away, feeling in debt to jake for how much relief he gave you.

you've gained your freedom after 30 years of being stuck in the hotel you were brutally murdered in. "thank you jake." you murmured, before floating away, the happiest you've ever been.

#jake webber #sam and colby #jake webber x reader #jake webber x ghost reader #jake webber x ghost #colby brock #colbybrock #sam golbach #corey scherer #trap house #biltmore hotel #anticipatecrime #jakewebber #colby brock x reader

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jakessbtch · 9 months ago

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☆ party | j.g

masterlist | requests

TW ✿ ° : mentions of drugs/alcohol, swearing, drinking, arguing/angst, mentions of drunken sex, sexual implications.

pairing ✿ ° : johnnie guilbert x plus-sized reader [s/h]

summary of fic ✿ ° : After getting home from a party, where everything went wrong, she brings up an event.

requested by ✿ ° : no-one

word count ✿ ° : 7k

a/n ✿ ° : its finally here! after weeks! x

Parties were probably the worst thing known to mankind. They were so horribly messy, forcing a bunch of horny and carefree young adults, barely over 21, into a 2-bedroom house, with barely any room to walk. Typically, it was so full that the countless people who decided to waste their time and attend, would spill helplessly into the front and backyard, where they’d either find someone vulnerable to grind on or a bush to throw their guts up in. There would be loud rave music, and discarded items of food, just waiting for the unfortunate to slip on, and did I have to add the common issue of no room to breathe? I mean sure, there were a few bare sofas, and dining room chairs in which were free for rest, but they were for the losers who couldn’t speak to other people. For the losers who showed up to the event alone, or had their companions desert them earlier that night, right? right. And that was where I was sat, in the kitchen which was filled with discarded cups, and few people seeking for more alcohol.

Anxiety crippled through my chest as I observed all those around me, laughing, and having fun. There were so many people, and not one face I could recognize. I deemed that this whole night had been a waste. My friends had left me to stand alone in a crowded room, and my best friend, Johnnie, left me to fight against the cruel world of drunken slurs and catcalls I couldn’t prevent. I was so scared, what if someone tried to do something, hurt me, fight me? So many prying and disgusted eyes. No matter where I glanced, someone was watching me, with awkward smiles, and looks that poked at my appearance. My big and foul appearance. This wasn’t my crowd, these weren’t my people, just look at me. I was wearing baggy grey jeans and some jacket I grabbed off the floor, which probably hadn’t been washed in a week. While every other girl I saw, wore skims and crop tops, showing off their little waists, while I tried to hide my big one.

My hand cautiously grabbed a hold of my phone, the grip tight and very much laced with hidden fear. Being on my phone was the best scenario, it would be a silent sign to passers, that I was busy in a text conversation. When I brought up the familiar note’s app, I prayed no one saw the screen. Not only would I be at a party alone, but being so much of a loser that I couldn’t even involve myself with a text interaction? All I could think of in that moment was, if it was somewhat believable. Would someone still want to speak with me? Was I shaking? I was sure I was shaking, but could other people see it? I closed my e/c eyes for a moment, trying to regulate my anxious breaths. The thick scent of weed and cigarettes filled my lungs, still not seemingly putting my mind at rest. Wasn’t that the whole point of smoking and weed? It was all so stupid now, I had always been told to ease up at events, but why not now? Why was it so difficult now that I was sitting by myself?

“You’re sitting alone. Are you alright, y/n?”

I flinched at the sudden voice, someone wanted to speak to me. my eyes instantly flashed up, them laced with all the pent-up fear I had experienced, but for the first time that night, I was relieved. Sam Golbach, someone I barely knew, someone I hardly spoke to. Though, someone to finally accompany me. Sam used to live in the same house as my friend, Jake Webber, who I used to work for at the time, with editing. Jake and I are really close, I thought of him as a brother, which meant that at some point, I’d meet his other friends, Sam, Colby Brock, and Corey Shearer. Jake always took me to small gatherings and social groups the group would shamelessly create on Friday nights. Though, during those late nights, I never stayed long, I never stayed long enough to become close with all his friends. Yet, I did stay long enough to enjoy Sam’s generous company. I offered Sam and gentle smile at his wanted concern, pulling my h/c hair out of my eyes.

“I’m fine Sam, I just want to go home. That’s all.”

Sam nodded gently at my sweet confession, his blue eyes swiftly washing over the multiple sexual interactions displayed by passing people. They had a lot of bravery displaying such intimate actions in front of so many people, in front of so many judgmental eyes like my own. However, Sam’s caring eyes diverted back to me, giving me his sole attention and a reassuring smile. His face was full of concern, and I genuinely felt that he cared for me. It seemed that he understood my fear and discomfort in a way, as if he had been in my unfortunate situation before. Sam’s company kept me grounded, the company of someone I knew made me relax. Friendly, small gatherings gave me the feeling I felt during that moment, as I knew mostly everyone who would attend, though here, it was different. I knew very little people, and I was sure everyone here was in the same boat as me. They didn’t know anyone, which made tonight the perfect ‘one-night stand’ breeding ground. A night to live and forget.

“Here, might help?”

I gently took the time in looking down at Sam’s outstretched hand, a singular red polo cup aimed in my direction, filled with a liquid I could only assume was alcohol. I never really drank at parties, because eventually I’d get too carried away, and I’d do regrettable shit that I’d find out the next day, things that would haunt me. As well as the fact, I never took drinks from other people. I didn’t know what would be in them, I’ve heard plenty of spiking stories in my life. Yet, Sam wasn’t just anyone, everyone I knew trusted him. Jake trusted him, Tara, Jake’s ex, trusted him, and Johnnie did too. They were all smart people, knowing right from wrong, and if Johnnie could trust him, a small piece inside of me claimed that I could as well. My hand graciously accepted his offering, deciding that I should just take a single drink for the night, nothing more. Afterall, I would find myself driving someone, if not all my friends, home.

“Thanks. Enough about me, are you having fun?”

My voice was hoarse as I asked him the question, deciding to divert the conversations away from my wellbeing. Who cared if I was having a rough night? Sam should be focusing on the events of his night. My lips graciously sipped the sour alcohol, the soda it was mixed with bubbling in my stomach. Sam spoke with such ease, despite the loudspeakers that sent shockwaves of sound throughout my body, and likely his own. We spoke about a few things; Colby, Creating Content, and parties. However, the conversation drew out, occupying multiple minutes of our time. How late was it? Should I find Johnnie or Tara? Jake would be drunk so he would be no help. When the plaguing thought of leaving Sam filled my mind, he beat me to the quick goodbye we shared, claiming that he had to find Colby. I was grateful for that, as the red polo cup had been emptied, and I was sick of the constant rave music radiating off the walls.

“Sorry.” “Excuse me.”

Walking through that huge and messy crowd might as well had been the worst decision I could have possibly made. No one cared that I was there, as I was being tossed around like a dog’s used chew toy. Thrown into wooden furniture as if I was nothing. All I wanted to do was turn around and yell at the rude obnoxious assholes who made my search longer, and slightly more painful. As a final resort, to get out of the sweaty and foul crowd, my hands had traced along the wall, trying to find an empty hall, or vacant room, where I could catch a breath. Where I could have a moment alone. While I was searching for the said unoccupied room, and my missing friends, I was quickly starting to tire, still regretting this whole night. I wanted to leave, and sooner than ever, why was it so hard? Suddenly, after what felt like forever, I felt a door slip from underneath my fingers, and I had never been quicker to realize that it was an unlocked room, praying that it was empty.

The minute I was blessed with the muffled music, and the loss of sweaty bodies, I had slammed the white wooden door. The silence accepted me so easily and fondly, and for the first time that night I felt relieved. I turned around with closed and relaxed eyes, not taking note of the pair who were comfortably sat on the sofa, seemingly a while before I got there. Though when a dainty and polite cough reached my aching ears, I practically jumped out of my skin. I had no idea what to expect walking into that room, a blow job, boobs? No, none of those. What I was faced with was a really pretty girl, and the last person I’d expect her with. Johnnie Guilbert. Though I didn’t care about him, what I cared about was how pretty that girl was. She had long dyed pink hair, piercing blue eyes you couldn’t forget. She was so slim as well, the complete opposite of me. when I looked at her, the hatred for myself grew. The hatred for my weight, for my skin, it just seeped into my chest, like venom. I wanted to cry, to throw up, to get rid of this suffocating feeling. I wanted to be the girl Johnnie was so clearly interested in.

A small part of me had been crushed that moment, my heart. Everyone around me knew I liked Johnnie, God, even he probably knew. I was so obvious with my feelings, complimenting him when I could, giggling whenever someone said Johnnie and I looked cute together, but he was so insufferable and awkward to say anything about it. He avoided every question about us, so I took the hint that he hated the thought of a relationship with me. That feeling wasn’t foreign, it happened a lot when you looked like me. Boys gushed about having a ‘bigger girlfriend’, but when they had the chance, they were so quick to shut it down. They didn’t care about us, they cared about a good social image. With that image came feelings, the feeling of hate, and a feeling I felt that johnnie had. I wasn’t over my own opposite feelings, and with Johnnie abandoning me during the first 5 minutes to likely speak to this girl, if felt like a sucker punch to the stomach.

I felt sick looking at the two, the serotonin radiating off of them like a heater, though, I suppressed those gut-wrenching feelings. I had to come to the realization that Johnnie wasn’t the one for me. He was the one for her, her face was red under the dim lights, her smile stretched across the room, and his face reciprocated hers. He was happy with her, and I was happy for him, even if that meant the own destruction of myself. The destruction of my romantic interest, I’d have to destroy it, for him. I waved to the two awkwardly, my e/c eyes cautiously flickering back and forth between the two. Then, silence fell on the three of us, awkwardness. I tried to speak, but nothing came out, why couldn’t I speak? Where was Jake and Tara? I wanted Tara so desperately, I wanted to tell her to drive me home, to get me out of here, to get me home. Johnnie coughed awkwardly when he noticed my trance, and I breathed out, in one shaky break, I whispered.

“I’m going home.”

I had to get out of there, I had to leave the two be. I didn’t realize I was so rude, and I intruded in on something I regretted. Without another word, I left the pair sitting on the white sofa, while I shoved my way back through the messy, carefree crowd. There were no apologies this time, I didn’t care for anyone but myself. I didn’t care about the rude comments about my weight and ignorance, them drowned out by the loud music. Did the music get louder while I was dying emotionally in that room? Was the heater on, why was it warmer? The one thing I knew, was that I needed air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, there were so many people, so little air. After what felt like forever, I found the front door. When the cool LA air kissed my face, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The air accepted me openly, putting my nerves at rest, and opening my mind, forgetting the previous events momentarily.

“Hey y/n/n! you alright?”

When the slurred, yet delicate voice was made known to my ears, I immediately knew who it was. Tara, just the person I needed, just the person I wanted. I was going to gush to her about what happened, about how it felt like everything leading to this moment was pointless. I always informed her about my feelings, about everything when it came to relationships. She called it ‘girl-talk’, however, by the tall and giggly man behind her, I held onto my tongue. In such a crowded place, with ears seeking for nothing but drama, someone would tell Johnnie, or that girl. It was all so complicated, and I already had enough of tonight, I didn’t need more. I looked back to the shorter girl, nodding shyly at her generous concern. I wouldn’t tell her about this, sometimes silence would beat the lying, the lying of my wellbeing. Truth was, I wasn’t fine in that moment, though I didn’t have to rudely affect others with my faults.

“I’m going home, tired, are you two driving with someone else?”

Jake started to loudly sing the 2000’s pop-rock song blaring from the confinements in the crowded, messy home, as if he had no care in the world. As if this was his last night alive. My eyes gently down casted to the two, how they seemed to fit right in with this crowd, and the comparison with the fact that I didn’t. I felt so out of place, like a sore thumb. While Tara was one of the most gorgeous women I had ever met, she was the definition of perfect. She looked amazing all the time, wearing cute little outfits, and being so precise with her make up. She was always so confident and kind to her friends and family, she knew how to control her jealousy and all her feelings. And Jake wore skimpy clothes without a worry, wearing crop tops, and styled skinny jeans with fingerless gloves. I envied the both of them, in silence. Tara shrugged nonchalantly, gaining my short attention once more.

“We’ll get someone to drive us, what about Johnnie?”

“What about me?”

I flinched at his sudden introduction, of course he had to appear now, out of all times. Why couldn’t he appear when I was sulking miserably in the kitchen, when I was alone? However, like most times, my bitter attitude was painfully obvious. The sudden distasteful expression I acquired, put Tara off drastically. Her dark brown eyes flickering between the two of us knowingly, as if she somehow knew what had happened minutes before in that room. As if she saw the interaction between the girl, Johnnie and me. When I looked up at Johnnie, I ignored his messy dark hair he hadn’t styled for hours, and the smudged blue eyeshadow spread amongst his eyes. What I did notice was that the girl he was talking to, was now gone. She wasn’t lurking behind him, like a lost dog, she wasn’t at his side. He left her alone like he did me. I bitterly ignored his presence, turning to Tara and clarifying.

“He can come if he wants, but I’m tired. See you two later.”

Biding my goodbyes felt different now, or was that the sinking feeling I had in my stomach? However, besides that uncomfortable feeling, I begged for Tara or Jake to stop me. Yet, with each passing step, and each crunch on the gravel, my hopes drowned out. Though, a new hope sparked, a hope that Johnnie wanted to stay. It was obviously selfish for me to not want him to accompany me, but my night was already ruined, I didn’t need it to get worse. Distracting myself soon occupied my thoughts, my eyes wandering to the various groups of tired people. Their hushed murmurs, and the small giggles that admitted from the social circles, distracted my mind from Johnnie. My hand gripped the car door handle, listening to the bright conversations around me for a few more seconds. Then, I decided it was enough, I decided it was alright for my thoughts to corrupt my mind, and I got into the driver’s seat. The slam of the door never put me at ease, and Johnnie's approaching figure made it worse.

As Johnnie got into the car, and the engine started, my questions started to shamelessly dart around the air. The questions that made grow to hate myself, more and more, with every passing minute. Why did Johnnie leave me to stand there, in a crowd of unknown people, like an idiot? Why did he suddenly become so interested in talking to new people? However, I wasn’t a seeker for the answers I needed, and I remained silent. I continued to ask myself those questions, from the minute I was sitting in that kitchen, to now, driving home in my car. With each passing minute, which felt like hours, the air grew thicker, and my mind ran faster. What were I to do now? How could I get over something so dear to me, how could I get over Johnnie? Did I try dating apps, but who wanted me? Men liked girls who could be picked up, who could wear their clothes as a dress, they didn’t want me. My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, my stomach dropping lower than my feet.

When watching the bright street signs flash past the moving car, I simply recalled the fact that Johnnie hated parties like me. That’s actually how we came to be friends, best friends. Every single party, every single gathering, we were attached by the hip. Never apart. We were always together, but that didn’t stop the thought, the thought of; what had changed now? Had I not given Johnnie the validation he needed, did he seek that validation from someone else? Why hadn’t I been enough for him? The feeling of insecurity suffocated my chest again, every time I noticed that the feeling was gone, it resurrected stronger. Why was I feeling like this, why was I so defensive over someone who wasn’t even mine to begin with? Johnnie wasn’t my boyfriend. I had to realize that. He had his own life, and I needed to start living mine, and stop worrying about my looks, and my weight, and how I acted. I had to stop being such a push-over.

When the house rolled into view, I was sure to park on the edge of the road. In a safe area in which I knew I wouldn’t have to pay for insurance. I didn’t share a house with Jake and Johnnie, but I did live around 15 minutes away, not far. Though, I was gravely unsure if I’d stay awake the whole drive back, the settling fear of a collision pictured in my mind. I was sure Jake wouldn’t mind me staying, I’d probably sleep in their unused spare room, and at some ungodly hour of the morning, Tara would join me. My eyes drooped as we made our way to the front of the door, the walk remained silent, and chilling. The only thing making noise were our steps echoing around us. Then, before long, I found myself looking at Johnnie, no, admiring him, but no longer with love, with question. I never questioned our relationship, though now, it was the only thing I could possibly think about.

Johnnie took the honors in locking the front door once the two of us were safely situated inside, while I took my time in wandering to the cleansed kitchen. I didn’t notice the darkened man enter after me at first, though he made himself known when he gently pushed his way past me, looking for something dry to eat. It was a recognized habit johnnie had adapted to after parties, after he drank. If he ate dry foods, he wouldn’t throw up, it was smart. While Johnnie searched the pantry, I remained silent. The silence was thick in the air, only growing with each second, in which I was observing his turned figure. How could he just ignore me? Did he not care, or was it rather that I had to say something to him? Did I ask why he left me to wallow in my own social fear? Ask him what type of confidence had overcome him in those meek few hours we had been apart? I dropped the car keys on the marble countertop, an overwhelming sense of unconscious mind coming over myself.

“Why did you leave me Johnnie?”

“What?”

The gentle slam of the cabinet made fear lurch within my stomach, regret climbing its way into my throat. In that moment, I regretted ever talking, I should have just shut up. When his ice blue eyes rested on my slightly shorter figure, I felt so vulnerable, so afraid. I had a quick tongue, always biting back against strangers, so why was it so different if it was my best friend? Why was I so afraid of being mean to him? At the realization that I was afraid of losing him, I shrugged slowly. This all felt stupid; did I even know what I was meaning anymore? I felt as if I was spitting gibberish. Johnnie’s face was obviously laced with some sort of confusion, and something clicked inside of me during that moment. Something bubbled, a small tinge of anger, clear frustration. I was frustrated with the fact he didn’t seem to understand what I was saying, no one did. I was suddenly glad I had brought up my issue, because now I really saw if he cared or not. It really made me question; did he not care about me anymore? What had changed?

“What do you mean ‘what’? You left me alone at the party, for 2 fucking hours. I didn’t know anyone there!”

My once small and timid voice had now raised higher than it ever had, the anger extremely prominent in my tone. I never got angry at others often, every time I was close to ruining my mood, I would attempt to reason. However, I couldn’t reason now, I wanted answers. There were so many unsaid feelings, that were starting to overload my voice box, begging for release. Though, I never wanted them shown to the world, never wanted to show them to Johnnie. I vowed to keep these feelings to myself, until the time was right, though, was there even a time anymore? Had that time happened long ago, me to oblivious and insecure to realize it? The time had passed for me, and now Johnnie was invested in finding love, him never even waiting for me.

“Whoa, y/n... look- “

“No! Do you know how embarrassed I was? Sitting alone!? I was petrified!”

Johnnie’s right hand made no attempt to silence the loud slam from the closing cupboard door, his frustration and annoyance radiating alongside my own feelings and emotions. However, I didn’t care how he felt anymore, because he didn’t care about me. My feelings weren’t relevant to him tonight. Johnnie’s large black boots made a loud thump on the cold tiles, him not hesitating to step in my direction. The contortion of his once calm face gave me a silent sign that he was trying to control the anger that was begging to be shown to the world, but that made me the slightest bit more frustrated. Why was he angry at my reaction, why was he mad? He had spent his night laughing along with one of the prettiest girls I had ever seen, he should be ecstatic about tonight, he should be happy, right? I rolled my e/c at his attitude, I wanted to drop the situation, ignore it, though I wanted answers more. I wanted to know why.

“It had always been you and I together at parties, and now you run off! What about me Johnnie!? Fucking say something!”

“I… I don’t know what you want me to say.”

An apology would be amazing, though I didn’t say that. What did happen at his response was the expected rage burning through me at his nonchalant attitude, why couldn’t he just say sorry? Before I could think, my body reacted with my hands throwing my car keys into the walls. With the sudden adrenaline, and the lack of realization to what I had just done, I ignored Johnnie’s hard flinch at my actions. I didn’t care. I was sick of being overlooked, sick of being called the ‘fat friend’, sick of being that friend that had no other emotion apart from humor and platonic love for others. Ultimately, I was sick and tired of being hurt. I had anger, and sadness, and jealousy, and I was sick of hiding it away. So, I wouldn’t be a push over anymore, and within a few silent and short moments, and little hurried words, all those emotions spilled out, along with wet, fat tears and stuttering. With a big shaky breath in, I dryly whispered to the boy.

“Do… do you know how many people pointed and laughed at me? yeah, ‘let’s laugh at the bigger girl, who looks as if she’s never been to a party before’...”

“y/n... come on, you- “

“Sam had to sit with me! Ou-out of pity too! You should’ve been there Johnnie! But you were talking... with some girl… and leaving me behind…”

My once confident voice noticeably cracked towards the end of my sentence, the pain in my tightening chest making itself obvious to Johnnie. The only thing I could think about was how embarrassing this was, being jealous over something out of my control. I wanted to run away and hide, forget this conversation ever happened, maybe even leave the country if I was lucky enough? But I couldn’t just do that, I had to face this at some point, especially since I brought up this whole situation. I would never tell Johnnie how jealous I was, how jealous I was of that unnamed girl, I wouldn’t even tell Tara, one of my closest friends, I vowed take my feelings to the grave with me. Until death. In the sudden silence, I never looked at Johnnie, afraid of what his expression was. Was he disgusted? Humiliated? I was, with myself. My left hand hastily brought itself up to caress my pudgy wet cheeks, trying to hide the mascara filled tear stains that had blossomed in the midst’s of my outburst.

“So, you’re jealous?”

Johnnie’s voice was clearly tired, however, by his groggy and annoyed voice, I simply got the overwhelming feeling of butterflies. Though the feeling of being flustered soon was overcome with anger, and sudden disbelief. Out of everything I said, he came up with the thing I already knew. My jealousy, I wouldn’t tell him that I was of course, it was only fuel for the ego that was taller than he was. The ego that I seemed to hate so much. I wanted to rip all my hair out, asking myself; why couldn’t he just understand me for once? I wanted to slap his pretty little face, I wanted to explode with anger, I wanted to tell him how I’d leave him here to rot alone, though when I opened my mouth, jaw slack, nothing seemed to come out. Nothing but silence. Nothing but heavy breaths, for a long unwanted moment. Then, once again before thinking, a small anger-filled whisper managed to roll itself off my tongue.

“I am not jealous.”

“Then why are you acting like this?!”

His voice sounded desperate for answers, answers I didn’t know if he wanted to hear. He sounded like me, so pained, and upset, but I wondered; Did he want to hear about how scared I am of his feelings, of my own feelings? Did he want to hear that I have loved him for months on end, picturing a future where we stood in front of a suburban home with two kids and a dog? Did he want to hear that I am convinced I am in love with him? Because I believed no one has been in love with him for as long as I have, I believed that my feelings weren’t just a crush. I cried most nights, wondering why I didn’t make a move when we hung out, or why he didn’t compliment me one night when I looked my best, I believed these feelings were not normal. Johnnie needed an explanation to my actions, an explanation to why I had yelled at him, why I was so suddenly aggressive. My e/c eyes cautiously rose to look at his saddened blue ones, and the silence settled once more. With another shaky breath, I explained everything to him.

“Because I’m scared Johnnie. I’m scared of you loving someone else, I’m scared of being hurt, and being forgotten.”

And for the first time that night, I finally felt heard. Johnnie sheepishly nodded at what I said, eyes down casting to the floor and sucking in his lips, deep in thought. This situation had been dragged out for months, years if you looked close enough, and it was so clearly affecting everyone around me, around us. When I told Tara my feelings, she had made a huge effort to pair the two of us together, while Jake would band along with her, contributing to her actions. Though, when Johnnie would decline any offer, I’d get disappointed, I’d be upset, and thoughts would plague my mind. My drowned moods would suffocate everyone else too, them getting a fowl taste in their mouths over the two of us, and our attitudes. Tara would express her concern, and Jake would ask to make it all better for us. And I would decline or ignore them, because it was my issue, not theirs. Now, after months, I was finally addressing it, because I was tired, so tired, tired of running a race that Johnnie never showed up for, tired of putting my all into something I wasn’t benefiting off of.

“So that’s why I’ve been acting like a ‘jealous’ and ‘lonely’ bitch.”

“What if I’m scared too?”

My stomach simply lurched at Johnnie’s hoarse voice speaking above my own. The newer question was brought to my attention. Why was he scared? He didn’t harbor such feelings for me, right? I racked my brain for reasons, reasons for why he would like me, and it slowly started to make sense, slowly started to make itself known to my consciousness. I would remember the way his hand would linger around my own, afraid of touch, or the way he would be ghastly concerned if I drank more than 3 drinks at a party or gathering. The way he would care for me. I always brushed it off as something friends did, I had seen plenty of friends upset over drinking habits, and holding hands, so was it really different for us? I wanted to cry again, cry at the intruding thoughts, though I felt numb now, like I had drained every feeling I once had before. How did I ignore all of this, and was it too late? Too late to apologize and erase all this from my mind? I covered my reddening face with my hands, too embarrassed to face my simple realization, and all the tiredness I was unaware of crashing into my mind like a wild tsunami wave.

“What if I’m scared of dating again? What if I’m scared, I’m going to hurt you?”

Hurt me? Didn’t he already do that enough by making a stupid effort to avoid me? Leaving me confused for the whole night? I didn’t know how to respond to his words, his question, everything I thought of, came off as stand-offish and rude, so all I could do was shake my head bitterly. Obviously, it was fair enough, he could be scared of this, so was I, but by the way he had avoided me tonight, during one of the times I needed him the most, I knew it wasn’t a responsible way to act, it never was. He had hurt me, and gravely, making me rethink everything leading up to this moment. I painfully looked down to the fallen silver car keys, them resting silently on the white floor tiles. While I still tried to cascade my brain and mind for how I could respond to him, in the nicest way possible. Though, the only feeling I could succumb to and notice, was the suffocating feeling of anxiety, and giddiness.

“What if we aren’t meant to be with one another, y/n…?”

“How would you know we aren’t meant to be together, if we haven’t even dated before? There’s only one way to know for sure.”

I muttered out, pinching the bridge of my nose with my pointer and thumb. It didn’t shock me how tired and weak my voice sounded, as yelling and sobs ripped my throat raw, it was very expected. However, due to my attention being diverted on my sore and sickened throat, I didn’t notice Johnnie making his way over to me. I didn’t notice him, until he was standing right in front of me, hands balled at his sides, messy hair, and blue eyes wide with an unrecognizable expression. With a surge of confidence, his right hand softly rested on my shoulder, it wrapping around to the back of my neck and resting there. His fingers gently dug into my skin, strands of h/c hair wrapping around them subconsciously. My eyes instantly flashed up at his touch, anxiety rushing throughout my body. It was so obvious that he was nervous as well, with the sight of his hands shaking, and the adrenaline seemingly pumping through him.

That was when I realized that this was my moment, my moment to show his how much he meant to me. An action, that I would shamefully perform, one kiss. one kiss couldn’t ruin a friendship, right? If it did ruin this, then so be it, because if Johnnie and I were meant to happen, then we would. We would find a way back to one another. So, without a second thought, I took that chance, I took that moment. My hands instantly latched onto his thin tattooed neck, gently forcing his head down and giving him all my emotion through the touching of lips. I had never kissed someone like I did Johnnie that night, I had never kissed someone with so much passion, so much want. I didn’t take the time to hyper-fixate on his body language, barely noticing his shock. I just desperately tried focusing on the continuous buzzing that radiated in my head. What I did notice was how Johnnie reciprocated the kiss, his hand moving from the back of my neck to the side of my face, his fingers so soft. He held me so delicately, as if a porcelain doll, skin so fragile and brittle, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like an art piece, I felt like I was finally someone's muse.

“Woah.”

I didn’t quite know when the pair of us became a trio, or rather a group, though when the familiar and feminine voice of the Tara Tompson filtered into the enclosed area, I had never been so quick to push Johnnie away from myself. Regret settled in my veins, should I had let him go like that, so soon? I could have held him just a little longer, I swore I could, though I didn’t. Behind the short girl, barely shorter than myself, was the tall and stumbling figure of a clearly intoxicated, Jake Webber. His thick scent was laced with weed, cigarette stench, and hard alcohol, giving me the sense that he had only gotten worse due to Johnnie and I’s departure. Though his attention wasn’t focused on me, he was far more interested in Johnnie, with a big, wide, slurred smile, and a lot of emotion in his body language and features. While Tara’s dark gaze was placed on me, and my stiff and uncomfortable posture. Bewilderment. That’s the word I’d use to describe her face, her expression. Was my surge of commitment and bravery really so shocking? I guess I wasn’t exactly outgoing, but I wasn’t that introverted either, I was a loud person, I challenged those who did wrong, so why was this different too?

“See... d-dude! I told you to ju-... ugh- just kiss her!”

Tara hissed frustratedly at Jake’s hiccups, muttering something inaudible from my stance. Though I didn’t care for the words that spilled from her maw, I was to interested in what Jake had said just moments before. ‘I told you,’ So Johnnie had been thinking about this moment, thinking about kissing me before? The knowledge of this had my stomach and chest twisting and fluttering, an uncomfortable, yet giddy, feeling arising more and more within a few short moments. Tara then grumbled at Jake, a loud and aggravated groan leaving her throat when he didn’t seem to be cooperating. After a few sharp whispers, Tara simply apologized to Johnnie and I, and they hastily stumbled away from the two of us, likely to Jake’s room so he could sober up and sleep. The interaction left Johnnie and I standing there alone and slightly stunned, the awkward aroma filling the air. My eyes drifted away from the doorframe to look at Johnnie, but he had beaten me to gaining to others attention. His eyes were already placed on my own, breath heavy and eyes clouded with the little alcohol he had drunk prior. I didn’t know what to say to him, so I whispered an apology.

“’M sorry…”

“I didn’t like her.”

I nodded subconsciously and silently, Johnnie’s strained and quiet words giving me knowledge that he was aware of the other two in the home. Though I didn’t bother acknowledging them, I was far too focused on how horse and rough his voice was, and shamelessly it had complimented his messy and unkept appearance well, or well enough to make my knees weak. His messy dark hair, jarred out wildly, while skimpy blonde roots carefully crept up the strands, barely noticeable. His dark blue make up had been smeared across his face, etched around his bright blue eyes, making them more noticeable than ever. Dark Tattoos writhing their way around his neck, the large black spider mark settling on his throat as if it was a mark since his birth, built to be there. I was staring at him for too long, too quietly. Once I had taken the effort to draw my attention from Johnnie’s attractive personality and expression, I looked down to the cleansed tiled floor. Was that it? After this would we go to bed and forget everything? Did I even want that?

“I like you. Your humor, your appearance, your kindness. I like you… more than a friend.”

“Then quit treating me like I’m less of one.”

Every single word, every single syllable that seeped from his mouth, set off a tiny firework inside of me. Fireworks in my chest, my feelings were the embodiment of the fourth of July. I had never felt so seen as a person, so honored for how I felt, and looked, and only moments prior, I felt invisible to the world. I was so vulnerable, my feelings were overlooked, ignored, and now they were noticed and appreciated more than ever. Overwhelmed, that’s what I was during that moment. Overwhelmed with my own feelings, and Johnnie’s pure ones. How was I to react now? Did I go to bed, or make the effort to hug or kiss him? Before I could make the decision in what I was to do, Johnnie had started to shake his head. His eyes moved away from my own, to the items on the kitchen countertop, him deep in thought and consideration. He opened his jaw to speak again, hand gripping tightly on his skinny jeans as he spoke confidently.

“I’m sorry y/n/n.” I love you.

“I know. I love you too.”

And for the first time in my life, I hadn’t felt like the ‘fat girl’, I felt noticed for more then my humor and weight. Johnnie made me feel wanted and seen. Since that moment, I had taken everything seriously. I took my problems, my life, my achievements, seriously. They all suddenly had purpose to me. I had commitments now, a commitment to Johnnie, a commitment to a lifelong promise that I vowed to never break. Johnnie made promises of his own, promises to never ignore my struggles, to hold me when needed, and the promise that I would always be his. From now until death do us part; And I wouldn't have it any other way.

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ezralazyartist · 1 year ago

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I love this dude so much

#emo #emo scene #punk #jakewebber #johnnie guilbert #jake and johnnie #rawring 20s #emo aesthetic #2000s emo

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liseytopia · 26 days ago

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𝘀𝘂𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗲 .ᐟ

summary: two aching hearts, a local bar, and lingering feelings all mix together, leaving you a bundle of confusion, but.. you like it.

pairing: jake webber x reader (exes to lovers)

contents: slightttt angst, a little fluff at the end, tension, jake being jake ;)

warnings: use of y/n, cursing, mentions of cheating (i do not condone!!), not proofread

an: i still, i still looovee youuu 😽

wc: 2.6k

you and jake broke up over half a year ago, and to say on good terms would be a bit of a stretch. you haven't stayed in touch. never see each other out in public, and you wanted it to stay that way.

..at least, that's what you said to yourself.

it wasn't easy for you, or for him, but you had no way of knowing that.

you had a good reason to have left. he never had time for you, he swore he'd try to clear up some but it never happened.

and you were kindhearted, willing to understand the issue and cut him some slack.. but that quickly changed as he paid less and less attention to you entirely, prompting you to find out he was talking to a different girl the whole time.

it was ugly. you dumped him. he cried, begging for you to just listen. but you were done giving him chance after chance, so you walked out that door and didn't batt an eye to him ever again.

that was.. until your best friend invited you to a hang out with her tonight.

you happily got all dolled up, with your brand-new lacy white dress with tiny bows on it and your chunky pumps. your face was glittering with highlighter and you finally felt entirely and fully in place.

you wore a smile nearly the entire night. that same, beaming smile that everyone seemed to love about you. the smile that he used to love about you.

you got dinner, chatted, did a little shopping. every typical activity for a girl's night out.

so you thought, what's a better way to end the night than grab a quick drink?

it wasn't supposed to be anything huge, the last thing you wanted was to get absolutely wasted and wake up with a throbbing headache, throwing up in your bathroom.

you and your friend sat down at the bar, ordered your drinks, and started chatting again. it was all playful banter and gossip until you were interrupted by a couple of rather loud guys entering the bar. your initial reaction would be to just ignore it, but one of their laughs stood out to you. it sounded almost a little too familiar.

"yeah, yeah, yeah! i remember. that was insane," one of the voices exclaimed. wow, can you not be a little bit quieter? you thought to yourself.

there was that voice again. a different one. one that you knew you recognized but couldn't quite put your finger on yet.

"dude, and then he got absolutely fucked up. like that one time you were just talking about, but worse."

you turned around in your seat, looking for the man whose voice the familiarity belonged to. your eyes scanned a few people until they landed on the boy in the middle of a crowd of friends. it was only the back of his head, but you already started to get an idea of who it was.

they continued loudly conversing until one of them sat down at the bar and the rest of them followed, a few deciding to stand next to the ones sitting. they were dangerously close to you and your own friend, and you debated leaving right then and there.

but as you gazed at the group of boys, your friend curiously doing the same, he looked up and met your eyes.

that's who it was.

his eyes were on yours for what felt like what had to have been decades, but in reality was only a few seconds. the gaze was warm, his brown eyes just as you remembered them, with the same look they always used to give you. soft, admiring, like you were the only girl he could ever want.

your trance was quickly snapped out of as your friend started speaking again, and then that's when you remembered that you weren't supposed to be gazing at your ex like a deer in the headlights.

"hey, isn't that, like, your ex? that's jake, right?" she asked, a little bit too loudly to the point where he looked up once again.

you scrambled to avoid jake's lingering gaze on you, an internal war being fought in your head as you decided between leaving this place for the better, or..

another idea. one you weren't so sure of, but your body screamed yes.

"uh— yeah.. that's kind of weird, isn't it?" you replied back to her, trying to keep the mood lighthearted, mostly in an attempt to keep your mind off the fact that jake was a few seats down from you.

time passed pretty quickly eventually. you found yourself having fun, engaging in your conversation without the distraction of your attractive, and, might i add— staring, ex-boyfriend.

at least he was staring the last time you checked. your eyes glanced up to see if he still was, and–

..he wasn't there. where did he go? maybe to the bathroom? you swore you saw him less than a minute ago. wait, why were you even worrying? you're not supposed to care, he's not even in your life anymore and—

"fancy seeing you here."

that voice. it snapped you right out of your thoughts, because now you knew jake didn't go to use the bathroom, or anywhere else for that matter. he was talking to you.

you couldn't help stumbling over your words. a sudden heat rushed up to your cheeks, and you didn't know why, if anything, you wanted it to stop. you didn't want to see this man.

"uh– i— yeah," you laughed nervously, then internally facepalmed for being so awkward.

you didn't want to he here. you wanted to leave. you didn't want to be talking to jake, anybody but him. those words looped in your head like a mantra, as if trying to convince yourself that what you were saying was true. and deep down, part of you felt differently.

jake smiled at you and it quieted all your thoughts. or made them louder, you weren't sure which one. "is this not a good time? i can.." he started, gesturing back to his group that he entered the bar with.

you quickly cut him off, "no, no, no— it's fine." well that sure wasn't the answer he expected, let alone the one you expected to say.

he chuckled again, flashing his perfect teeth at you as he continued standing between you and your friend.

with another sip of her drink, your friend raised an eyebrow at you and began, "i think that's my cue to leave." you tried to silently beg her to stay, but she neglected, slipping her purse over her shoulder and tipping the bartender before whispering to you, "text me if you need anything," hopping out of her seat and winking at you on her way out the door.

now that she was gone, your interaction felt way more.. overwhelming. you supposed jake was able to tell when he moved to place a hand on your shoulder, light and cautious, testing the waters and not wanting to startle you or make you any more uncomfortable.

you shivered slightly at the touch, and he quickly raised his hand less than a centimeter off your shoulder. it didn't take long for you to relax again at the feeling of his hand on you, though, and you hoped he didn't realize.

he didn't break eye contact with you once. it was strong, almost sickening, and you weren't bad with these types of things, it just mattered when it came to him.

eventually jake took the seat next to you, the one your friend was in earlier, and your stomach was doing flips. why did you feel like this? why did you miss him so much? you were supposed to hate him. after all, he did cheat on you. you pushed those feelings down and tried to stay angry at him.

"you seem kinda shaken up," he started, breaking the silence. "i didn't mean to scare you."

his words caught your attention again, and this time you tried to compose yourself a little better.

"i'm okay, you didn't scare me," you replied, forcing your tone to sound annoyed.

"well, i just.. wanted to say hi, i guess," he continued, looking away from you once he realized you probably didn't want him there.

he seemed surprised you even wanted to talk to him, but he swiveled around in his seat to face you. his expression was softer than usual, more cautious, like he was scared he would mess this up. mess you up; again.

you sat in the quiet for a moment, thinking about whether or not you should just leave while you had the chance to... but what's the worst that could happen if you stayed for a little longer?

"wait," jake looked like he was about to get up before you reached a hand out to his arm to stop him, which definitely caught him off guard.

"why'd you come over here? y'know, to talk to me?" you built up the courage to ask, bringing your hand off his arm nervously. it seemed like your entire arrogant mood was gone.

"oh, um– i just.. noticed you, and.. wanted to know how you were doing," he replied nervously, obviously unsure of his own answer and fidgeting with his baggy jeans underneath him.

"bullshit," you said immediately after, pushing your drink away from you on the counter. "tell me the real reason why."

jake was slightly taken aback by your response, but he knew himself that you were right. he sighed and bit the inside of his cheek.

"i mean, i.. i don't want you to want to freak you out or anything—"

"tell me. you're not gonna freak me out, jake."

his jaw was slack, unsure of what he should do. but, fuck, that look in your eyes, he couldn't say no to that. he never could.

with a heavy sigh, he finally decided to speak up.

"you were the first thing i noticed when we all walked in here," he started, his eyes darting between yours and the wall behind you. "i.. i've wanted to talk with you for a while, i just.. couldn't. obviously."

your brows furrowed. talk with you? what was that supposed to mean?

"can you promise me you won't, like.. yell at me? or freak out?" he continued. you were starting to get a feeling of what was happening by all this and the fact he wouldn't just tell you already.

"jake, c'mon.."

"promise me."

your heart sank to your stomach. he seemed so genuine, so desperate, you felt like you shouldn't be doing this but there was no turning back now.

"..i promise."

he nodded once, slowly, and looked down at his feet.

"i still love you."

if your heart was in your stomach earlier, then it was in your ass now. you had a feeling. but those quiet, wholehearted words coming from his lips didn't anger or upset you. they were the key to a lock that you had no idea was inside of you.

you didn't want to believe it. you didn't want to face it, god, you didn't want to think about it.

"but i thought—"

"y/n, i never cheated you."

you didn't know if that sentence made you relieved, confused or utterly pissed, and maybe it was a mix of all three.

"we're not going through this again.." you sighed, running your hands over your face.

"please, fuck, let me talk," he pleaded, his voice sounding annoyed, but of which you weren't sure.

you sat back with your arms crossed. listening, but with a matching annoyed glare.

he sighed once again, looking as if he was trying to collect his thoughts and find a way to put them into words that you would understand.

"me and her were never anything. she— she tried to get me, but she wouldn't stop, and before i could cut her out, you were already leaving," he rambled desperately, trying to keep you hooked. he didn't want to risk losing you again.

"that's not true, jake, 'cause i saw you texting her back," you snapped back at him, aware of what you saw and what you knew.

he looked like it was taking every last bit of him to keep it together at this point, in every way possible.

"that wasn't me. reggie—"

"oh, so this is about reggie now?" you scoffed, especially now because jake knew you weren't just all bark no bite.

"please, y/n, listen to me," he nearly begged, his tone desperate like he couldn't deal with the weight of this on his back anymore. "you really think i would do that to you? i loved you so much, shit, i still do, i would rather die than put you through that."

his words sounded so genuine, but you didn't fold. not yet, at least.

"please, you never took time for me. you never tried. you never cared," you persisted, your arms crossed as you leaned on the back of the stool behind you.

his expression looked slightly hurt now. "you know i never wanted to be like that.." he responded, his voice quieter now. "you know my job doesn't offer much free time."

your eyes widened in disbelief, but that part in you wouldn't stop yelling over all your other thoughts. you did know that, but arrogance built a wall that wouldn't let you give into him, no matter how bad you wanted to.

"why are you trying so hard?" you asked, your brows furrowing at him. "do you want me back or something?"

jake swiftly got up from his own seat and stepped closer to you, hovering above you with his tall figure. your breath hitched and your body stiffened.

his face leaned in so close to yours, too close. your mind was screaming at you to pull away, to slap him, even, but your heart didn't want to. you could feel his breath on your face, see every detail that you had memorized by now.

how could something feel so right, yet so wrong at the same time? you didn't know, but you were basking in it.

"more than anything.." he mumbled, that deep, growly and desperate voice creeping back up his throat as his large fingers gently grasped your chin.

before you knew it, his lips were crashed down onto yours, in a hard and oh so needy kiss. nothing in you was telling you to stop anymore. you leaned into it, your mind clearing and all you wanted was to feel his body close to yours.

his hands moved to grasp your hips, his thumbs rubbing the silk of your dress underneath them. you stood up from your seat, raising yourself to get your body closer to his.

reluctantly, you both pulled away, breathless and eyes closed. jake didn't move any further back than was necessary to breathe, his lips brushing against yours. "missed you s'much.." he murmured into them, pressing another quick kiss to your mouth.

the feeling was addicting. you wanted more, but you knew you couldn't have it, not here and not without talking about this first.

with his arms now all the way around your body and your faces finally separated, you opened your eyes, looking up into his. his pupils were blown wide with adoration, his lips parted and you could tell now that everything he said was true.

"jake.." you murmured, leaning into his chest, "..what are we?"

he pressed a kiss to the top of your head, seemingly unable to get enough of you. "whatever you want to be, as long as you're mine."

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