#my therapist : we should unpack this

[robogart]

I've just had a bad memory my whole life lmao it's fine! Definitely Not A Symptom Of An Underlying Mental Illness And Childhood Coping Mechanisms 😎👍✨

[skiddlecat]

thought about ni no kuni again for the first time in fucking ages (i miss this game so bad) and. god DAMN i just remembered gascon saying his father wouldn't care if he died. babygirl what kind of mental health crisis were you ON when you were 19

[charmcoindied]

the cycles The fucking cycles

[pucksandpower]

Couples Therapy

Lando Norris x Reader

Summary: let’s go to couples therapy and see how long it takes the therapist to realize we don’t know each other

You fidget nervously in the waiting room chair, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. This has to be the most ridiculous first date idea ever …but then again, Lando was never one for convention.

The office door swings open and a smiling middle-aged woman in a cardigan beckons you both inside. “Y/N? Lando? I’m Dr. Ramanujan, please come in.”

Lando shoots you a mischievous grin and you can’t help but return it as you follow the therapist into her office. This is already off to a delightfully silly start.

“So,” Dr. Ramanujan settles into her chair, notepad at the ready. “What brings you two in today?”

You open your mouth but Lando beats you to it. “Well doc, it’s like this — Y/N and I have been together for five years now but things have gotten … sticky, you might say.”

You fight back a surprised laugh at his casual lie. Five years? You met this lunatic ten days ago.

Nodding solemnly, you play along. “Yes, unfortunately some issues have arisen that we haven’t been able to resolve on our own.”

“I see,” the therapist jots something down. “And what would you say is the primary issue troubling your relationship?”

Lando strokes his chin in mock contemplation. “You know, now that I think about it, we really struggle with intimacy.”

You splutter, cheeks flushing red. He did not just go there on a first date!

“We’re very passionate people,” he continues effortlessly. “But I think we both have some hang-ups that stop us from really connecting, you know?”

Clearing your throat, you decide to steer into the skid. “Yes, you could say Lando is quite … insatiable in that area.”

Dr. Ramanujan’s eyebrows shoot up but she simply nods. “I see, I see. And how does that make you feel, Y/N?”

“Honestly?” You shrug helplessly. “Exhausted. The man is completely relentless — it’s like he’s an animal sometimes!”

Lando clutches his chest in feigned offense. “An animal? That’s a bit much, don’t you think darling?”

“Don’t you ‘darling’ me,” you snap, pushing aside your amusement at the increasingly absurd situation. “I’m just calling it like I see it. We’re here for honesty, right?”

“Touché,” Lando turns back to the therapist. “Doc, maybe you could help us find … a compromise of sorts? Because my needs are evidently not being met.”

You scoff loudly. “Not being met? Lando, I let you do that thing with the-”

Mercifully, Dr. Ramanujan interjects before you can continue that train of thought. “Perhaps we could steer our discussion in a more productive direction? Intimacy issues often stem from deeper underlying problems within a relationship. Is there anything else concerning you both?”

Lando ponders this for a moment before snapping his fingers. “You know what? I think a big part of it is that Y/N doesn’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust you?” You echo incredulously. “That’s rich coming from you, Mr. I Flirt With My Teammate Constantly!“

His jaw drops perfectly. “You’re bringing Oscar into this? That’s a low blow, babe.”

“I’m not blind!” You shoot back, doing your best to ignore how silly you both must look. “I see how cozy you two get. Tell me there’s nothing there and I’m a fool!”

“Woah, woah!” Lando holds up his hands defensively. “Oscar and I are just good friends and teammates. Nothing more.”

You cross your arms stubbornly. “If you say so.”

An uncomfortable silence falls over the room. Dr. Ramanujan seems perplexed by your crazy banter.

Finally, she clears her throat. “Right. Well, it sounds like there are some potential trust issues at play here that we should unpack-”

“Oh I’ll unpack it for you, doc!” Lando interjects, real passion entering his voice now. “Y/N is massively, astronomically insecure about our relationship. She questions my faithfulness at every turn!”

You swivel to face him fully, eyes wide. “And why, pray tell, would I possibly be insecure about that?”

“I don’t know!” He throws his hands up in exasperation. “I’ve never given you a single real reason to doubt me!”

“Except for all the pet names and inappropriate touching with Oscar!”

“Those are just friendly gestures!”

“Keep telling yourself that, buddy!”

The two of you are practically shouting at each other now, completely absorbed in your make-believe argument. Somewhere in the back of your mind you feel a bit bad for putting the poor therapist through this, but you’re having far too much fun to stop.

Dr. Ramanujan finally cuts in, raising her palms. “Okay! Okay, let’s all just take a breath, shall we?”

You and Lando freeze mid-rant, remembering where you are. He shoots you a conspiratorial wink and you have to bite your lip to suppress a smile.

“Now,” the therapist continues once the tension has diffused slightly. “Clearly there are some deep-seated resentments and triggers being hit here that we need to unravel. But I think a lot of it comes back to the intimacy and trust issues we were discussing earlier. Y/N, would you say you feel emotionally fulfilled by Lando?”

You ponder this for a moment, drawing out the suspense. Lando watches you with bated breath.

Finally, you sigh deeply. “No doc, I can’t say that I do. And maybe that’s why I’ve been so tempted to stray myself ...”

Lando’s jaw drops perfectly again. “You’ve been tempted to cheat? With who?”

Holding his gaze boldly, you declare: “My yoga instructor, actually.”

“Shane?” He looks like you just slapped him. “But he’s so … so bland!”

You shrug nonchalantly. “What can I say? Opposites attract sometimes.”

Dr. Ramanujan looks like she’s watching a tennis match, unable to get a word in edgewise.

Lando points an accusatory finger at you. “This is unbelievable! You had the audacity to blame me for the intimacy issues earlier when all this time you’ve been lusting after another man?”

“I’m a woman of insatiable needs!” You cry, borrowing his phrasing from earlier. “You said it yourself!”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” He turns desperately back to the therapist. “Please doc, you have to help us!”

She blinks owlishly a few times before finding her voice. “I … I’m not sure I can be of much assistance here.”

Lando clutches at his chest dramatically. “No, don’t say that! Our relationship is hanging by a thread as it is.”

“If it’s even still a relationship,” you mumble darkly, inspecting your nails with affected nonchalance.

“You see?” Lando pleads with the doctor. “This is what I’m dealing with every day! The constant barbs and lack of trust! I’m at my wit’s end.”

Dr. Ramanujan’s eyes dart between the two of you, seeming to deflate a little more after each deranged declaration. She sets her notepad aside with a resigned sigh.

“Listen, you two ...” she begins carefully. “While I appreciate you being upfront about your ...” she pauses, clearly searching for the right word, “unique situation, I’m afraid it goes well beyond my abilities as a therapist.”

You simply blink at her innocently while Lando dissolves into feigned hysterics beside you.

“But you have to help us!” He cries, flinging himself backwards dramatically. “Our relationship is the only thing I have left!”

You can’t help but let out a small giggle at his antics, quickly disguising it as a cough when the therapist shoots you a look. Dr. Ramanujan just shakes her head slowly.

“I’m sorry, but I clearly don’t have the tools or expertise to assist with … whatever this is.” She gestures vaguely between the two of you. “My advice would be to seek a different form of counseling. Or perhaps … separate for a while until you both figure out what you want.”

Lando clutches at his chest, feigning heartbreak. “Separate? Doc, you can’t be serious!”

“I’m afraid I am,” Dr. Ramanujan states firmly, rising from her chair. “This session has become … unproductive, to put it mildly. I think we should call it a day.”

You open your mouth to protest staying in character, but the defeated look on the poor therapist’s face gives you pause. With a sidelong glance at Lando, you decide to put her out of her misery.

Rising from your own seat, you loop your arm through Lando’s and favor the bewildered doctor with your most winning smile.

“You’re probably right, doc. We’ll, uh, take some time and really think things over. Thanks for your … insight today.”

Dr. Ramanujan simply nods, seemingly too drained to even reply as she opens the door and gestures you both through.

The second you’re out in the hallway, you can’t contain your laughter anymore. You dissolve into a fit of giggles, doubling over and clutching at Lando’s arm for support. He joins in instantly, that mischievous grin stretched wide across his face.

“Oh my god,” you gasp between peals of laughter. “Did you see her face when I brought Oscar into it?”

“I thought she was going to kick us out then and there!” Lando howls, wiping away a mirthful tear. “The things we put that poor woman through ...”

You finally manage to regain your composure, still grinning madly at the ridiculousness of it all. Leave it to Lando to come up with a first date idea as wonderfully insane as fake couples therapy.

“We should do something normal for our next date,” you quip, shooting him a sly look. “Like go skydiving or swimming with sharks.”

Lando matches your playful tone, draping an arm around your shoulders as you meander away from the office. “Whatever you say, darling. Just promise me you won’t leave me for one of the skydiving instructors, yeah?”

You pull him closer with a laugh. “No promises, babe.”

[unripe-lemon]

Since i know no one will see this:

1 note and i will email my therapist

ok so for this one,, like since then i have emailed my therapist?? that counts right????? tbh i dont even know what to talk abt anymore, but i do have a session with her so dw

2 notes and ill put my laundry away

ugh….. stupid. internet.. making me do things that will make my life easier…. gugh yeah i put my laundry away!!!!! everyone clap now

5 notes and ill try to brush my teeth more often

ok so like for this one i found this video https://youtu.be/pvutTiPY7q8?si=PASnBmUXZ0xiHzWM imma sing this song to myself every tike i dont feel like brushing my teeth

6 notes and ill try to put on cream for my dermatitis (anxiety hives!!! yayyy!!!!) more often

just did it hehe :) tho it is getting a little worse and my kitten scratched me on top of it 😭

10 notes and ill attempt to learn my timestables

11 notes and ill study for my exams

my exams are over!!!! so idk what to do for this one? maybe ill go do my homework instead

20 notes and ill try to go one day without using my pc/phone

30 notes and ill vaccum (more bc we just adopted kittens) my room entirely

40 notes and ill try to explain my depression to my mom again

50 notes and ill clean my locker out at school

imma do this tmr!!!

i forgot 😭 someone remind me

80 notes and ill fix the posters that are falling off of my wall and are probably going to rip soon

doing this rn! taking dinner break

100 notes and ill REALLY unpack everything with my therapist

maybe tmr?

we talked about medication and kittens, also exams so like success??

200 notes and ill ask my mom if we can go to my go and get! me! medicated!

ill discuss w therapist tmr

discussed with therapist, we are now getting the conversation started with my mom and are going to see what my gp says after that!! :) ty to everyone in the notes rooting for meds

300 notes and ill re organise my bookshelf

400 notes and ill clean all of the mold off of my wall

damn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ion wannaaaaaaaa

this is a weekend activity tbh, and idk if its even going to BE this weekend :P

500 notes and ill clean the mold off of my roof

600 notes and ill try sewing some new clothes

i crocheted a scarf!!! does that count?

700 notes and ill buy some new shoes

800 notes and ill check out dnd club at school (im scared)

900 notes and ill come up with more goals

edit: bro……. 😭

so im gonna take my time w these bc there is a lot to go thru!! i will try my best to remember to update!!! ty for notes :)

- random internet stranger

edit 2: WTF 1000 NOTES GUYS CHILL

ok so like i have to come up with more goals now???

1500 and ill start taking study notes with a study method (rb with study method that is your fav eg cornell method)

1700 and ill attempt to hype myself up enough to eat at school (long story, germs)

2000 notes and ill start whatever book wins this poll:

[thebibliosphere]

I had therapy this week. I'm convinced I don't pay my therapist enough because of all the weird online shit she has to learn about to help me unpack, but anyway. In therapy this week, we talked about the bastardization of therapy language in online circles and how people are using the language of therapy to bully people from behind a shield of being "healed" and "unproblematic," and this, in turn, helped me realize why I've been struggling to write sex scenes in my work of late.

Like not just an "oh god, this is embarrassing and intimate" way, but more of an "every time I try to write something sexy, I'm freezing up and having a panic attack" sort of way which is... new for me.

Writing sex used to be my 9-5 job, and I'm actually pretty good at it. (I think. I hope.)

But there's been a creeping thought in my brain of late that makes me freeze up and close the word document, and that's "I'm being too horny with this; I should tone it down lest people think less of this character," and last night I had to literally sit myself down and ask myself, bestie, what?!

It's a sex scene. It's supposed to be horny.

Also, characters are not meant to be perfect, healed little beans. They're allowed to be messy and do questionable things because that's what real people are like, and that's a good part of storytelling.

Except lately, every time I try to do something with a character that might be considered imperfect behavior, my brain shuts down and won't let me proceed, and I've realized it's because I'm pre-emptively shielding myself from the online discourse of the kink not being "wholesome" enough and, like... fuck that. Honestly.

Can kink be wholesome? Absolutely. Does it need to be? No.

Do characters all need to talk and act like they've gone to therapy lest they be considered the villain? Also no.

I'm tired.

[homunculus-argument]

I should probably scan the previous therapy documentation for my new therapist this week. We seem to be off to a good start, the first two sessions have felt like unwrapping an onion - I casually say some bleak shit, she wants to unpack that, but peeling over that layer just leads to another layer of bleak shit and there's another one beneath that one. Like picking up the whole chronic people-pleasing thing, she'd ask me "have you always felt like you have to perform to people, and do things to please them, in order to make them like you?"

And I'd just go "oh no, that was a relatively new development. As a kid in school it was established that I am so ontologically repulsive that there was nothing that I could do to be liked, and anything I tried to do to copy others and fit in was immediately discarded by everyone as something disgusting and weird. No matter how cool and popular it was before, it became gross as soon as my touch contaminated it. Like a reverse Midas touch where everything I touch turns into shit. Discovering as an adult that I could actually perform favours to people in exchange for having my company tolerated was a huge boost to my self-esteem."

And it's never crossed my mind before how fucked up that is, before it's never occurred to me to say that out loud because nobody has ever thought to ask.

[namelesssfreak]

Jeremy Knox Theory

Made by an only child but I'm autistic and hyperfixating rn so hear me out (i also tried to cut down words this still ended up being over 2200)

Unpacking Quotes

'Jeremy made it over for dinner every night that week, apparently uninvited from the family table over the state of his hair. He laughed it off when he explained it, but Jean saw the shadows in his eyes and the dark look Cat and Laila exchanged as soon as Jeremy turned his back.'

Honestly, I like the theories that his family don't like the hair cause it makes Jeremy look more like either his dad or the unnamed brother, but the homophobia ones also make sense

Also whatever the reason was, Cat and Laila know it

'Jean knew nothing about cars, despite technically owning one, but he knew money when he saw it.'

'Cat looked weary as she pocketed it, though she had given up protesting his so-called charity a year ago. It wasn't about the money, so he didn't take it personally. Cat was more concerned with how many hoops it took him to pull it together when he was permenantly on his stepfather's bad side.'

"The right therapist can be legit life changing - just look at Jeremy for proof." She jerked a thumb over at Jeremy, who didn't look at all concerned to be snitched on. "I'd say you should ask for her number since we all know she's good, but I don't think any of us can afford her."

So Cat worries about Jeremy getting money from his stepfather, and it's completely plausible that his stepfather paid for therapy because of family image, but Jeremy having an expensive car makes me wonder how recent the struggle to get money is, like if he was on good terms with his stepfather at one point and that was when he got the car

"I wasn't born a Trojan, right? My high school team was just like every other school out there. So competitive, so much bad-mouthing, so many put-downs. And it was just...exhausting, playing like that. All that pressure on one side and all that antagonism on the other." He clapped his hands together as if crushing his past self between the two.'

Surely alluding to Jeremy being not the best person in high school, or anger issues Jeremy

"Jeremy has- three. One sister, two brothers. The older brother's an absolute tool, but there's bound to be a jerk or two once you pass four kids." Jean idly wondered what she'd changed at the last minute and why, but he watched her nervously push her fries around her plate and decided not to ask.'

On this, I think Jeremy only has the three siblings (Bryson, Annalise, and unnamed). I've seen people theories that there's more than three because of her pause, and the line about passing 4 kids, but right before that Cat mentions that she has 6 siblings, so I think it's slightly a nod to that, and her trying to change the subject into more light hearted she hesitated before saying 3 so that Jean doesn't pick up on or doesn't dwell on it. And I like to think she hesitated before saying 2, because I love the dead brother theory, and it seems the most likely to me. Cat could've said 3 instead of 2 either because she doesn't think Jeremy has told Jean yet or she knows he hasn't.

"What's Grandpa think of this investment of yours?" It was obvious bait, but that couldn't keep the edge out of Jeremy's fierce, "He is not our grandfather."

I reckon the investment is probably Jean or all of the Trojans, but I digress. I feel like Jeremy using "our" makes me think that even if his grandfather is homophobic, that's not the main issue Jeremy has with him, cause it seems like there's reason that Jeremy doesn't want his siblings (or at least him and Annalise) to be related to him (me when I struggle to put thoughts into words) TLDR I'm wondering if it's something worse than just homophobia to warrant the use of "our" and not my.

'His phone chimed, and Jeremy looked down to see William’s name on his phone. "Bryson is in the sitting room with Mr Wilshire."

'He could hear voices echoing down the corridor where his stepfather and older brother were having an animated discussion, so he settled for a grateful smile in William's direction before hurrying up the stairs.'

I'm assuming from this that Bryson and Mr Wilshire are on good terms

"Like Wayne did." Jean considered that. "Maybe he will also kill himself." "That isn't a joke," Jeremy said, with unexpected ferocity. Cat winced but kept her eyes on Jean.'

If Jeremy does end up having a homophobic family then it's completely plausible that he may have attempted, but I'm also just a sucker for the dead brother theories

"We can call the police." "I'll send Jeremy away first." Rhemann said, like that would somehow win Jean over.'

Rhemann could have said this to Jean because he thought less people would make Jean more comfortable, but he singled out Jeremy who was already waiting outside, so maybe he said it because he was under the impression that Jeremy had already told Jean about what happened his freshman year or at least why he doesn't like police officers, and if that's the case then it also means Rhemann and at a stretch the rest of the team (?) knows about it too, and this is not at all important but it's something I noticed

[About Annalise] 'He'd walked through a hundred hypothetical arguments with his therapist in preparation for the day he finally fought back, but every time the chance came, he watched it slip past in miserable silence.'

So whatever happened, between Jeremy and his family, is something that he could hypothetically argue his case for, if he's able to make arguments he could use against Annalise, then it's gotta mean he's not entirely at fault for whatever happened

'The receipt went into the zippered back of his wallet so he could file it later; it was always best to have a paper trail when dealing with his mother's bookkeeper.'

Okay stay with me but adding to the thing of Jeremy possibly not being the nicest person in high school, maybe his mother and stepfather have limits on his money because he spent really irresponsibly in high school?

'His family had its problems - all families did, he supposed - but never in his life had his mother raised a hand at her rowdy children. He couldn't fathom being struck by a parent.'

I feel like this gives us a hint on when his parent's divorce/mother's remarriage took place, seeing as Jean specified his father when talking about the scars, it's odd that Jeremy focused only on his mother in the above quote. Could mean that the divorce was from early in his life, and custody went to his mother, so he didn't see his father much?

"I've never been to Europe. Dad's been stationed there a couple times, but..." He shrugged and didn't bother to elaborate.'

Maybe his not bothering to elaborate is because he doesn't know much else about his father?

My full theory because it's clawing at the corners of my mind to be put into words:

So I'm assuming that his parents splitting up happened in early years, probably after Jeremy and all his siblings were born since I don't think any of them are half/step siblings but early enough that Jeremy doesn't have many memories of him. A bit of grasping at straws but this line, "I've never been to Europe. Dad's been stationed there a couple times, but..." He shrugged and didn't bother to elaborate.' if his dad is part of the army could mean that Jeremy doesn't see the man a lot. I've kinda got two running theories so branching off into those

Theory One:

We've got Jeremy and his three siblings being raised by his mother, because his father is unable to take any custody (due to travelling and being in the army, or for other reasons), which could in itself put some strain on the family with his mother having to raise all 4 kids herself. And then later on in high school Jeremy and his unnamed brother both want to go to a good uni where they can play exy (whether that's USC or not) and their high school team have a really important game at the end of the year that a lot of universities are visiting (this is me making a big leap on how close in age these two are) Depending on how much money Jeremy and his family have pre his stepfather entering the picture, the two of them could have been hoping to be signed with a college team (if I've not worded that right I'm so sorry I'm not American and don't play sports)

And at this game, Jeremy ends up playing really well, but it's at the expense of his brother's playing, so like Jeremy gets all his time to shine but his brother maybe not so much, and he decides to completely blame Jeremy for that which ends in a fight. In this fight, Jeremy's brother ends up getting really injured, like worse than Kevin, like to the point of being unable to play exy anymore. When his mother and new stepfather find out, they decide to completely cover the whole thing up and not tell Annalise and Bryson, part of which involves paying for Jeremy to go to USC for some reason (I can't be bothered to work out the logistics of). Which all works well and good, until Jeremy's brother takes his life because of not knowing what to do with himself after losing his biggest passion (this makes sense I promise codependency on exy is borderline a key theme in these books) and their mother and stepfather dig even more of a hole by covering that up and calling what happened an accident ("There's been an accident," he said, and grimaced like it wasn't at all the word he wanted to use.) and no one suspects anything until Jeremy's freshman year at USC, where he's perhaps not the best at getting on with his new teammates (probably particular the 5th years), still getting used to going from his high school team to the one at USC, also potentially homophobia (Nicky core) but they don't really have any acceptable reason to actually start anything with him, so one of them who had connections with the police (related or something) found out from them about the thing with the brother that had been covered up (He had half a mind to cut through the park, but the sigh of cops lounging at the nearer entrance had him sticking to the sidewalk along Exposition. There was little to no chance he'd know them, and no reason they'd recognize him, but Jeremy kept his gaze forward and his mouth shut until they were past.)

And decided to bring it up at the fall banquet, which caused it to get out and it was mainly contained between the USC team, but the whole team ended up finding out, and also Annalise and Bryson, who don't forgive him for it ("Overdue for a new scandal, hm?" She asked. "End the way you started?") (Once upon a time she'd gone to all his high school games, but once upon a time was before the fall banquet that broke their family in half. She'd gone out of her way to forget exy since then, and she'd never forgiven him for sticking with it.) ("Careful," Annalise warned him as she rummaged for her keys. "You already destroyed the family. Don't destroy my future, too.")

Theory Two:

My other theory surrounding Jeremy's childhood is that either 1 or 2 of his siblings went to live with his dad when their parents split up (their unnamed brother and either Annalise or Bryson) and I don't think that would have necessarily affected their relationship (with Annalise still going to his exy games, though the Bryson being homophobic theory isn't one I'm ruling out yet) Then Jeremy and his unnamed brother both wanted to get into either USC or a good university that they could play exy at, which makes sense if the unnamed brother was living with their dad he could have been hoping to get in to university through playing exy, while Jeremy had the option of his stepfather paying for him. Also potentially the two of them are still in contact but just going to different schools, and are on separate teams for a match between their schools at the end of the year that a lot of universities are attending, that Jeremy's team ends up winning, and then either this follows the same route as the first theory, or the brother gets into another university, and he and Jeremy get into their fight at the fall banquet of Jeremy's freshman year.

I could probably organise this slightly better and might come in and edit this when my copy of tsc gets here in a few days, but heres the random thoughts my brain spat out for now

[gregorygerwitz]

AITA for having a daddy kink?

I (32M) have been with my bf, T (45M) for a few months now, and besides the first date (if you remember my post about that, I'm so sorry for the secondhand embarrassment I caused everyone) everything is going really well! Or at least I thought so.

Last week, my boss (who's kind of like the dad I never had) (he's also my bf's old boss but that's not really relevant) was in the hospital after a cartel burned down his house. He's fine now. Made a full recovery. But T and I met up at my place after I left the hospital so we could have dinner. I finally made this new lasagna recipe just right after trying to figure it out for WEEKS and it was delicious.

We were talking about things while we ate, like we've done on all of our dates, and we started talking about my boss in the hospital. T even asked if I was okay, which is a little weird because I'm not the one who was in a fire or the emergency room, but it was sweet. He's really sweet. He's always checking in to make sure I'm okay and he's not doing anything that makes me uncomfortable, and that's really new, but good! Anyway, talking about my boss (and how he's kinda my dad) made T bring up his rough relationship with his own father, and one of his other old bosses, and I could tell it was a little uncomfortable.

Who likes to talk about their strained relationships with family? I know I don't. I always try to change the subject when anyone tries to talk about my parents with me. So I did that.

All I did was joke that we both have daddy issues - because we do, no matter what he says about it - and it's so easy to just talk to him, you know? So maybe I was a little flirty. Okay, I was a lot flirty, but I just wanted to make him smile because I don't like seeing the people I love upset. And maybe that fed into some innuendos. And maybe we kind of came to the conclusion that I really like calling him "daddy" in bed. I had a really good night after dinner. It was great.

And it was all great. This is the happiest I've been in a really long time. I don't think I've ever been this happy in a relationship, actually. It feels so light and easy and like he actually likes me, not some idea of me or the potential I have to be something else? That's something I'll unpack with my therapist later. Don't worry about it.

Anyway, things were great until I talked about it with my best friend, E (32M) - and I'm trying to take what he's said with a grain of salt, because he's going through a lot of major changes in his life right now, and he probably just wanted me to stop talking about my sex life, but still...

He said that because T made the comment while we were talking about our boss being in the hospital, he was just taking advantage of my childhood trauma to try out a kink. Because we were talking about something pretty serious, he never should have turned things in that direction - flirty and sexual - while I was worried and stressed, and he was totally brushing off how I was feeling in the moment. I thought it was fine in the moment, even fun, but E has known me for the last 6 years and has watched me get into and out of relationships that weren't always good for me, and now I'm worried that he's right and it's happening again. I really trust his opinion and I know he just wants to look out for me.

I guess I just don't know how to feel. I really like T, and he hasn't done anything to hurt me, and I'm happy. But E does see things from a different angle, maybe less biased than I do because I'm in the middle of it. I don't know who to trust more right now. I thought I was the one who made the conversation flirty and brought up the daddy issues to lighten the mood and make us smile more, but is my best friend right? Is T brushing off my feelings and sexualizing our relationship? Or is E just overly protective because I've been hurt in the past?

I guess this isn't really an AITA - Is He (T) The Asshole (IHTA) for joking about my daddy issues hopefully giving me a daddy kink, too, in the middle of a dinner date?

[thetriumphantpanda]

Ghost of You | J. Miller (Chapter Four)

Series Summary / Grief is a strange thing. In the beginning it had been all-consuming. There wasn’t a moment of the day where you didn’t cry, didn’t ask yourself why it couldn’t have been you instead. And no-one ever explains the guilt you feel when it isn’t anymore. When it’s just a dull ache and you can finally breathe again, when you can start letting people get close to you again. People like Joel Miller. 

Pairing / Joel Miller x Widow F!Reader

Word Count / 4K

Warnings / Descriptions of grief and depression, a therapy session, some Ellie/Reader fluff but nothing else - let me know if I've missed anything!

Authors Note / You know when I said this would be slow burn? I really meant it. I really hope you guys aren't getting bored but I promise things are going to heat up from Chapter 5 onwards 👀 Thank you once again for all your love on this series - I say it every time but it's really close to my heart and to know you guys are enjoying it really does mean the world! If you like this then please considering reblogging, leaving comments or popping into my ask box with some love! I love y'all!

Series Masterlist / Main Masterlist

You never thought you’d be the kind of person who needed a therapist. Even when your parents had passed in quick succession before the outbreak you’d managed to carry on with the distraction of normal life, processing your grief quickly, distracting yourself with finishing school and applying for college. Even now, when you thought back to them, it was with fond memories. Nowhere near the level of grief you had now after losing Mark. 

Maybe it was the change in the world or the fact that Mark had been a part of your life longer than your parents had? You didn’t really know. Maria had suggested that trying to unpack your feelings with a therapist would be beneficial for you, someone neutral who could help you back to the person you’d been before he’d died. It had been six months since you first sat in this chair, the same feeling of anxiety you had then was apparent now, as Belinda poured you a glass of water and situated a box of tissues on the table, you took one, knowing you’d need it like you always did. 

“So, how are you?” She asks, settling down in the chair opposite you with her notepad resting on her crossed knee. 

“I’m okay.” You say simply. 

This is a rehearsed response. You always say it. Because if you needed a therapist, were you ever okay? 

Belinda nods like she always did, “I wanted to start today by revisiting what we spoke about last time,” Her voice is high and sweet and she’s at least twenty years older than you, “Remember we spoke about doing something to push yourself out of your comfort zone?” She asks, and you nod, “Did you do anything since our last session to work on that?” 

You take a deep breath; how much should you tell her? 

“I have, yeah.” 

“That’s good,” She praises, a genuine smile on her mouth, “Can you tell me about it?” 

“I went to The Tipsy Bison last week.” Is all you offer her. 

“With Tommy and Maria?” 

You nod, “And his brother and the little girl he’s got.” 

She quirks her eyebrow a little, if you hadn’t been paying close attention to her face you would have missed it, “And would you say Tommy’s brother is a friend?” 

You shrug, “I don’t know, I guess so, he came around a few weeks ago and fixed my porch step and he’s helping to build the table and chairs that Mark was going to do before he got sick.” 

“Do you talk to him about Mark?” 

“We’ve spoken a little about him, he actually lost his own daughter on outbreak day, so I guess I feel like he understands what I’m going through.” 

She nods, “Let’s go back a bit and talk about going to the bar,” She writes something down on her notepad, you never really know what it is she’s writing, “Was it as bad as you had expected?” 

You look down at your hands, scrunched tissue in one hand as your nails pick at the skin of your cuticles, “I was nervous about going, and I think I stood outside the door waiting to go in for too long, my mind was thinking of what would happen, like I would open the door and everyone would stop and go silent and just look at me, but no-one really noticed, but when we sat down to have a drink, someone said something and it kinda ruined everything.” 

“What did they say?” She pushes. 

You sigh, “That I’d made a miraculous recovery all of a sudden.” 

“And how did that make you feel?” Ah. The classic therapy question. 

You take a moment to formulate your answer in your mind, “I was angry,” You reply, “But not at the person who said it, I was angry at myself because it was true.” 

“But is it true?” Belinda pushes, “From my perspective, of course we’ve made steps since you first began coming to see me, but I don’t think either of us think you’re fully recovered, do we?” 

You shake your head to agree with her, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that sure, what was said wasn’t really true, but it’s the things they didn’t say which made me think they are,” Belinda is looking at you to continue explaining, “In the back of my mind I thought, well of course I’m recovered if I’m sat in a bar with a smile on my face, and if I can do this then why can’t I go back to work? Why can’t I start contributing to the community again? That’s what I think they’re saying in their heads about me.” 

“But you don’t know that do you?” She asks, “This is something I’ve noticed about you, that you project your own feelings onto other people, even though you have no idea what else they’re really thinking.” 

You nod because she’s not wrong, of course she’s not, “How do I stop?” You almost beg her. 

She shrugs a little, “You’ve got to stop caring about what other people think,” She says it like it’s the simplest thing to do, “Of course not the people who really matter to you, Maria, Tommy, his brother, their opinions matter, but those people who you see in passing, what they think doesn’t matter because they don’t really know you.” 

She looks briefly to her watch, “We don’t have much time left, but I’m proud of you, and if you think you’re ready to go back to work then challenge yourself, maybe ask Maria for a couple of hours a week, just to ease yourself back in, and we can talk about it a bit more next week?” You nod in agreement, “And it’s good to hear you’re making new friends too, I think Tommy’s brother might be someone to keep around if it makes you comfortable, friend’s with shared experiences can be helpful in recovery.” 

You nod in understanding and spend a few minutes agreeing on what day and time you’ll meet next week before she’s ushering you out of her office in time for her next patient. As you stand in front of her office, a thought spring to your mind. This is the first time you’ve left having not cried. The tissue is still dry in your hand, a small victory that you can hand yourself on your journey to healing. 

*

Just ten minutes later you are stood outside Maria’s house, knocking on the door. You can hear shuffling behind the door before she pulls it open, a look of shock written on her face that it’s you. 

“Is everything okay?” She asks. 

“As fine as it normally is,” You respond, “I was just coming back from Belinda’s and I wanted to ask you something.” 

“You want to come inside?” She asks, “I’ve just made coffee.” 

You gladly accept and before long you’re both sat on the couch, sipping coffee, “I think I’d like to go back to work.” You say simply before you get the opportunity to chicken out. 

She almost chokes on the coffee she’d just taken a drink of, “Are you sure?” 

“Definitely not full time,” You’re quick to add, “I just want to start with a few hours and see if I’m okay.” 

“Where’s this come from?”  You let out a sigh, “I’m fed up Maria,” You speak honestly, “Fed up of people thinking I’m useless, fed up of spending every day in the same four walls,” And then you add, “And I’m fed up of thinking that Mark would hate what I’ve become over him.” 

She pauses for a moment, “Let me speak to Kate and see if we can sort something out from next week,” She smiles, “I’m sure she’ll be grateful to have you back, she always complains that Charlotte still doesn’t understand the library system,” She puts on a poor imitation of Kate’s accent, “Jane Austen next to Philippa Gregory.” 

You both laugh and you think it’s truly the first time you’ve properly laughed in what feels like forever. You spend a little more time with her, finishing your coffee before leaving her to it and as you walk down the street towards your own home, you can’t deny that you feel a little lighter than normal. 

*

It’s Monday afternoon, one of two afternoon’s you’ve agreed to step back into the library to help. Kate had suggested it because it was the afternoon that the teacher’s brought the kids down to choose a book to take home. It would be busy enough to distract you and meant you wouldn’t spend your time sat thinking. 

You’d already helped two classes this afternoon, the last class we’re due in a few minutes, so Kate and you were enjoying a moment to sit and recuperate over a cup of tea. Well. Tea was stretching it – it was Kate’s usual concoction of boiled water and water flavourings she could get her hands on. Today it was lemon slices and honey, but it was warm and soothing so you wouldn’t complain. 

“I’m really happy to see you.” She speaks honestly, grasping at your arm to give it a squeeze, “I know this can’t have been easy, but I’ve hope we’ve not scared you off.” 

You offer a small smile, “I’ve actually enjoyed it, I guess my therapist was right when she said finding distractions would be helpful.” 

Kate is about to speak again when the library door swings open and the older children start filing in, their teacher doing his best to corral them into the middle of the room. It’s just as you remember, he tells them they’ve got fifteen minutes to browse and choose and book and once they have, they need to come to the front desk to check it out. 

You notice Ellie is part of the group, she’s hanging back, shuffling from foot-to-foot, but once her teacher lets them go, she’s just as excited as everyone else, picking up books and reading the covers. She’s one of the first to bring her choice over to the desk. You smile as you take it from her. 

“Artemis Fowl?” You grin, “Great choice, it’s really good.” You write her name in the checking-out book and then the title of the book, before writing the date three weeks from now that she needs to bring it back on the inside cover of the book.

“I didn’t know you worked here.” She comments, taking the book back from you. 

“I’m only here for two afternoons, trying to ease myself back into things, but yeah, before everything happened with Mark, this was my full-time job.” 

“I bet you’ve read everything here, right?” 

“Not quite,” You smirk, “But pretty much, if you ever want to know what else is good to read, you know where to come.” 

She smiles and says thank you and just before she turns to leave, “Say, you don’t think you could ask Joel to pop by sometime and finish up the table for me, could you?” 

She smirks, “Only if I can come so you can teach me how to make pie?” 

You hold out your hand and she takes it to shake, “You’ve got yourself a deal.” 

*

 It isn’t until Sunday that Joel and Ellie turn up at your front door. Summer really is in full swing now and it’s warm. You’ve been padding about in the garden trying to clear up, tank top now slightly sticking to your back from the thin sheen of sweat you’ve worked up and you think it’s possible the skin on your legs will be burnt when you finish up for the day. 

Joel heads straight for the back porch with his toolbox in hand, Ellie lingers at the kitchen table. 

“Do you want coffee?” You ask, tilting your head around the open back door. 

He shakes his head, “Water would be nice though.” 

You head back to the kitchen and pour three glasses of water from the jug in your fridge, adding lemon slices to give it a little flavour. Joel thanks you when you had him the glass and you smile at him before heading back to the kitchen to focus on Ellie. 

“Alright, you ready?” You ask and she nods with enthusiasm, “I tried to get apples at the market, but they were all out, so I’m afraid it’s cherries today.” 

You bring out a bowl of cherries from the fridge and put them out the counter, “The first thing we need to do is wash them and take the stones out, it’s a bit fiddly but it’s fun, I promise.” 

You rummage around in your cutlery drawer for the pair of chopsticks you know are hidden somewhere. You can almost imagine the family living in this house before the world went to shit, sitting at their table, eating Chinese food with them. God, what you wouldn’t give for fried rice right now. You had one of the sticks to Ellie once she’s washed her hands and rinsed the fruit. 

“So, you take a cherry and pull the stem off,” You do it to show her, “And then you eat the first one to make sure the fruit is okay,” You smile as you pop the cherry into your mouth, watching as she does the same, “You think they’re good?” 

She’s smiling at you, “They’re fucking great!” 

You spit the stone into your palm and put your hand near her face for her to do the same before you discard the stones in the trash bin next to you, “Okay, now we know they’re good, what you need to do is take the smaller end of the chopstick, and can you see where you pulled the stem out from?” You point to the spot on her fruit, “You just push the end through it and hopefully….” You draw out as you push your stick into the cherry between your fingers, the stone pops out through the bottom, “That will happen!” 

You watch as Ellie copies your movements, the stone popping out through the bottom of the cherry, “Does it matter that the fruit broke?” She asks, placing her destoned cherry in the bowl with your own. 

“Not at all, we’ve got to break them to eat them, right?” 

Joel is working studiously just outside the kitchen window and when you reach the last cherry in the bowl, you take it in hand, opening the window, “Hey Joel?” You call, he looks up from his work and you dangle the cherry out into the open space, he smiles as he takes it, popping it into his mouth before mirroring what you’d done, spitting the pip into his hand and slinging it over the side of your fence. 

It strikes you in this moment that being with Joel and Ellie is effortless. Although they both know what happened and a little about how you’ve delt with it, they don’t seem to judge you, neither of them look at you with sorry written in their eyes, they don’t press you to talk about things you don’t want to and they both seem genuinely interested in what you have to say, or in Ellie’s case, teach them. 

You take Ellie through the rest of the steps of preparing the fruit, drizzling them in a little honey in place of sugar, teaching her how to make the pastry, which involves more flour ending up on both of you that it does in the recipe. You let her pour the fruit into the pastry and decide which kind of top she wants on it. She’s a girl after your own heart and opts for lattice. 

Once it’s in the oven baking, Ellie sits on your couch with her book whilst you tidy up. You refill her glass of water before heading out to do the same to Joel’s. He’s almost finished with the table, just a few more planks of wood to hammer into the top and he’ll be done. 

“Thanks,” He says simply when you fill his glass, he takes it and drinks deeply, brushing his forehead for sweat, you stand with him for a while, “Ellie says she saw you at the library earlier this week, is that where you work?” He’s making polite conversation and you smile. 

“I worked there before everything happened,” You explain, “I was speaking to my therapist a few weeks ago who said she thought it would be a positive step for me, so I’m just doing two afternoons a week to ease me back in,” You refill his glass when he’s finished with it, “Baby steps and all that.” 

“S’good,” He nods, “You seem a bit happier today.” 

“I think it’s more to do with her,” You speak honestly, motioning your head inside to where Ellie is, “She’s a great kid Joel.” 

“She is,” He agrees, “I’m glad she’s finally gettin’ the chance to be a kid for a while.”

He’s finishing up with the last few bits of wood for the table, “You wanna stay for a slice of pie?” You ask, “It shouldn’t be long coming out of the oven.” 

“If it’s anythin’ like the last one then I don’t think I can say no,” He smirks, “Let me finish up here and I’ll come in.” 

“Oh no, stay out here, we need to make sure your handiwork is sturdy enough.” You give him a little wink just to play with him, before wondering whether that was too much. He doesn’t suggest it was, just beams his lovely smile at you. 

You turn on your heel and head back into the kitchen. You kneel in front of the oven, and you can see through the door that the fruit is bubbling through the lattice top and the pastry itself is looking lovely and golden. 

“Hey, Ellie, you wanna take your pie out of the oven?” You ask, she’s folding the corner of the page she’s reading and is by your side in record time. 

You hand her the oven gloves, another souvenir from whoever lived here before, it’s white, or would have been before they’d been used to death and had a pretty floral pattern on it. Not what you’d have chosen if you’d been filling your new home, but you always tried to remind yourself that beggars couldn’t be choosers in this world. 

“Careful when you open the door, it’ll be really hot.” Ellie shoots you a playful look that tells you she isn’t that dumb. 

She pulls open the door and steps back to let the steam flow out before she’s wrapping the oven gloves around the pie and putting on the stove top to cool, “As the expert,” You speak, “I have to say that looks and smells fantastic.” 

You peer out of the window; Joel is just shutting his toolbox and you watch him takes his hands a brush the tabletop of any dust and debris left over from him building it. He then takes the chairs he’d made and sets them around the table. You turn your head when he starts moving to come inside. 

“Kiddo, that looks great,” He praises Ellie, looking over her shoulder at her creation, “Let me wash my hands and we can dig in.” 

You busy yourself with grabbing some plates and forks, handing them to Ellie to take outside, whilst you take the oven gloves and take the pie outside, setting it down on the table. You stand back and look at what Joel’s made. In the old world, this would have cost you a pretty penny and you can’t help but realise how talented he is. There’s nothing to suggest that you hadn’t been down to the best furniture store and paid thousands of dollars for it. 

“I brought a knife.” Comes Joel’s voice from behind you, he’s brandishing your biggest kitchen knife and you think that in any other circumstance you’d be threatened by him, but there’s something about the goofy grin on his face that you know means that he would never hurt you. 

He gives the knife to Ellie and sits down in one of the chairs, you follow suit, taking time to warn her to be careful if she needs to touch the pie tin because it’s likely to still be hot. You catch Joel smiling at you and you know it’s because he’s her dad – whether by blood or not, you can tell that he cares deeply for her and he’s thankful, in some small way that you are too. 

Ellie cuts into the pie and struggles to get it out of the tin, the pastry below breaks and the fruit spills onto the plate that she only just manages to catch the slice on. 

“I’ll take that one,” You smile, holding out your hand for the plate, “Got to break it to eat it, right?” You echo your words from inside the kitchen earlier on. 

Once everyone has a slice on their plate and has left it to cool for long enough, you’re all digging in and you have to admit it’s just as good as the one you made yourself. 

“Maybe I should sign you up for kitchen duty,” Joel jokes as he spears another bite with his fork, “You can start earning your keep, kiddo.” 

Ellie looks disgusted at the very notion of being put to work and you all laugh together. It’s in this moment that you think to Mark. Would this have been your life if you’d been blessed with children? When you’d arrived in Jackson it had been a serious conversation. You were safe. People had been having children for months. They had a real midwife for God’s sake. The lack of children hadn’t been through lack of trying either. You remember lazy Sunday mornings wrapped up in bed together, hands raking over naked bodies, moans and praises spilled from mouths. You’d just never been blessed. You’d never talked about who might have been the problem, it didn’t matter anyway, if it couldn’t be with Mark then it wasn’t meant to be. 

And perhaps now you’re thankful. If Mark had still died, there would have been someone else to care for during your grief. A constant reminder, in the flesh, of who he was, who he’d been. You hated to think of not being able to look at your own child because they reminded you too much of your dead husband. No. Better to be alone in your grief than add that kind of complication. 

Once the slices were finished on everyone’s plate and you’d packaged two extra slices for Joel and Ellie to take home, you’re standing on your porch. Ellie is already making her way down the street, but Joel is hanging back. 

“I really don’t know how to say thank you,” You admit, “You’ve been a real lifeline since you came here so just… thank you.” 

He smiles at you, secretly wishing he could reach his hands out to touch you. He can’t remember the last time he genuinely wanted to touch someone like he wanted to touch you. He didn’t even think he had that with Tess. Sure, she’d been a comfort and he cared for her, but it had never been love. Just a means to an end, a way to ease each other’s pain for a moment. Then he caught himself. This wasn’t love either. Sure, you’d spent time together and all he really wanted to in any moment he saw you was kiss away the furrow of your brow, but he couldn’t love you. Not yet. 

“I just like helpin’ out,” He offers, quickly looking down the street to find Ellie talking to someone from school, “I like knowing it makes things easier for you, that’s all the thanks I need.” 

“Well, consider Ellie and you guests of honor when I can finally host that dinner on your handiwork.” 

He winks at you, and you think you can feel a slight flush across your cheeks, but you think if it is appearing across your skin, you can pass it off as the hear, “Consider it done, sweet pea, I’ll see you around.” 

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[phanfictioncatalogue]

Therapy (2) Masterlist

part one

a map to the lost (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Dan's third therapy appointment, circa late 2014.

a pinch of sugar (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: dan comes home to find a treat waiting for him at home

But I'll Be Close Behind (ao3) - fringesandcringes

Summary: Exploring how they work through Dan's depression individually and as a partnership, through therapy sessions, episodes, and posting a YouTube video about it for the whole world to see.

Deceit and Devotion (ao3) - Thatonefunhun

Summary: Phil Lester has it all. A successful career doing what he loves, a “bestie” who's always got his back, and a can-do attitude! He’s living the life! But what goes on beyond the camera? And is everything as it seems…

Dropping Anchor in a Storm (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Phil wakes in the early hours to a thin beam of sunlight breaking through his curtains, and the soft sound of Dan breathing by his side.

He should be able to bask in the peace and stillness of the room, but his brain won't let him do that today.

(TW) Exhausted (ao3) - breatherepeat

Summary: Dan has spent years in therapy unpacking the issues of his past and coming to terms with himself. In order to complete his journey of self-acceptance, he knew he would have to face some difficult aspects of his past. The only way to work through years of repressed memories is to bring them to light and process them.

It Gets Better (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: The air in the waiting room is too hot. Dan is hoping his therapist’s office is cooler— it usually is, she has a fan that she always turns on when he walks in— but he also is sitting with that heavy feeling in his stomach that today is going to be a hard day, and the room being stifling would just be part of his luck.

A fic about self-empathy and good sessions.

it's a church of burnt romances (ao3) - phanetixs

Summary: Dan backs into the car and the driver asks where he’s heading. His head swims with thoughts of Phil, and of guilt and embarrassment at how he’s subconsciously treating his friend. Whose life centres around virtues like chastity. And non-objectification goes both ways. Dan takes a few deep breaths, pressing a palm to his insistent bulge to quell his arousal. As always, it doesn’t work.

Well, he resolves, if he can’t get Phil out of his head, he’s got to get someone else into it. Or onto him, preferably.

Or, a Fleabag AU.

Redemption Arc (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: classic, slightly dramatic and unrealistic rags to riches au

run don't hide (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Dan has a run-in with a girl from school.

somebody's gone (ao3) - dvp_95

Summary: Dan's first therapy session after the incident.

the brain inside my muddled head (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: dan sees his therapist

the uncertainties of sexuality (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: “For me, having a label means having to be that thing and maybe sometimes I don’t want to be that thing but how on earth can I explain that to them when all I have to do is talk about a cute boy or something and suddenly I’m a bisexual icon when I’m not...not that.”

Therapy Day (ao3) - kattdan

Summary: Sometimes therapy makes Dan feel worse and he seeks comfort in Phil.

thursday at eleven (ao3) - cityofphanchester

Summary: This isn’t Dan’s Thursday morning, and no matter how much and how long he’s been pushing the idea, these first steps have to be Phil’s own.

Unfiltered (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: "Start with the unfiltered version," his therapist had told him. "Write it all out, as if no one else will ever see it, and then work your way from there."

It's a long process, getting everything together, readying himself to open up about depression, but he can take it in steps.

we were never in the park (ignoring tornado warnings) (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: After Phil leaves Dan, Dan starts seeing a therapist. Then, Phil comes back, and Dan starts lying to his therapist about him.

What A Catch (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Phil visits the same cafe every weekday morning without fail. But, when he decides to visit the cafe on the weekend for once, the atmosphere that he had grown used to has completely changed thanks to a piano player named Dan. While Phil is ready to jump into a relationship, Dan is hesitant and is still trying to stitch his life together again after What Had Happened in his past relationship. And that’s easier said than done.

wherever you stray i follow (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Dan brings Phil with him to therapy.

[polyamorousmood]

hey! I hope this isn't too non-traditional of a poly situation to be sending in, but this is the only place I think I'll be able to get good advice. As a pre-ask thing, to be clear, my best friend is the love of my life, I am aroace, we're very happily in love.

So, a while ago, we were dating, and it ended pretty quickly bc he came out as aroace. I asked him a lot whether or not that was the full reason he broke up with me and he insisted that it was and if it was going to be anyone it would have been me. I figured out that I was also aroace a couple months later. Recently (about a year after we first met and started dating) he got a boyfriend. I already set a firm boundary of no talking to me about his boyfriend bc it made me have a paranoid breakdown once and I don't want to do that to him, but even just the knowledge of him existing is pissing me off so much. I can't ask him to break up with him because I would never do thst to him and I love him more than anything even if this situation is hurting me like this, but I did recently ask him how the relationship was going with him being aroace, and he said that he isn't really aroace and he just wasn't ready for a relationship with me and thinking about that makes me want to cry. I don't want something romantic with him, I'm very much aroace and very sex and sensuality repulsed, I just hate that this random guy who I don't even know and never will (I don't want to bc I know I'd end up being a dick to him if I did meet him) is somehow more important to him than me, even if he insists thst isn't how it is. Since the situation isn't changing, I really need help with dealing with the jealousy. I've tried a ton of stuff and every single time I think about him I still want to kill him. I really don't know what to do, and my therapist isn't being particularly helpful (she isn't poly tho so she doesn't have experience with weird situations)

Hi. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this.

I'm curious how "he got a boyfriend" went down, and why you didn't bring up your concerns about his honestly to him when he was initially talking to you about it. Or if you did, why it still... doesn't seem resolved😬.

Not to put emotions in your mouth, but it sounds like a large proportion (though certainly not all) of your issue here stems from you feeling lied to about the breakup. This would damage anyone's trust and faith in the relationship, and I think having a formal talk about why he handled it the way he did and if that will continue in your refigured relationship will really help you. Maybe he didn't lie, maybe he was genuinely confused (for example, "if I can't make a relationship work with this person I feel a deep connection with, I must be aroace!" [one year later] "yo wtf I wanna fuck this other person?")! I think you should acknowledge -- with him, if possible -- that hurt. You feel like you want to cry? So cry. Giving the feeling full expression makes it easier to work through (and the only way out is through, darling).

Be prepared to explain why it hurts so much. The betrayal, your assumption that since he was aroace y'all were on the same page and he'd functionally be your life partner, or whatever the fuck.

Aside from the advice in this post (please read it in full📖, it is all applicable here), you have a LOT of legwork🦵 to do in unpacking and deconstructing your feelings. I think this worksheet outlines how to do that well (though, you know, tweak the wording in your head, because its aimed at a more traditional romance). If done right, it will be difficult and time consuming⌛. I recommend working through the worksheet slowly, in at least two separate sessions an hour or longer each. 'Cause shit takes time to sink in. In fact, you will have to remind yourself of the things you learn doing it for weeks to come, if not longer, so don't be afraid to revisit it! There is no shortcut, but I hope you and your best friend can be on the same page and you can have support while you navigate it.

Remember, the boyfriend didn't do anything wrong. He cares about this guy you care about. Try to see him as an extra support for him, rather than competition.

Good luck out there, space cowboy. There is hope 💛 <- its a yellow heart for friendship, get it?

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

sunflower, chapter one

summary: Y/n just moved into a new apartment and meets her next-door neighbour for the first time. 

warnings: talking to a therapist, flowers, a case of the butter fingers

word count: 1185

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“How did it go on the way in here today?” your therapist, Anna, asked you, tilting her head a bit and studying your reaction with warm eyes.

“It went alright,” you stated, not really thinking about it too much.

“Have you been outside, went on a walk maybe, since we last spoke?”

“Um,” trying to decipher if you should lie or not, you decided to be honest, ”no… Stevie is still buying my groceries, they offered! I swear, I wouldn’t make them do that for me, but they’ve told me many times that it’s no bother to help in that small way.”

“Is your amygdala starting to calm down a bit after the move?” she asked after letting you digest your last statement for a moment.

“Um, I think it’s getting a bit better?” you squinted your eyes to help decode the answer, “all of the boxes are unpacked now, so the apartment is no longer a chaotic mess, but I don’t think my body has fully realized that the whole moving part is over now. It still feels like I can’t fully relax, you know?”

“Yeah, that makes total sense. Your system has been through a lot the past few weeks, it needs a bit of time to process everything. Not to mention all the new sounds and smells and stuff that your body has to get used to,” she nodded, reassuring you, then changed the subject. “Have you started working again after the move?”

“I’ve set it up, but I haven’t really been that inspired lately, so no. Maybe I’ll paint some stills? Just to do something, get the juices flowing.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Anna said enthusiastically, “the sunflowers in my garden looked so beautiful this morning, and it made me think about you, so I actually plucked some, if you want them?”

“You did?”

“Yeah, they’re in the breakroom. You can get them on your way out.”

“Anna, that’s so nice, thank you!” you beamed, “Oh, now I have to paint when I get home! Some sunflowers? Yeah, I’m-, yeah, I’m gonna do that.”

The new route home had discombobulated you a bit, but you did it, you made it home in one piece. With sunflowers in your arm, up the still unfamiliar staircase, you went, looking down at your keys, wondering which one was the right one for the front door. Raising your head quickly to check if you were on the right floor, you quietly muttered the new address under your breath, just to remind yourself what it was.

Stopping and looking around to make sure you were standing in front of the right door, you just went for it. One key at a time, trying each and every one of them, to find out which one was the door’s partner.

Sighs constantly flowed out of your mouth with the rejection of each key, the sound of a different door slamming shut caught your attention and you whipped your head around to find the source.

Heart raising, you prepared for the worst, it wasn’t that at all. What your body thought was some kind of monster coming here to kill you or whatever, was instead more akin to a white knight.

Tugging his brown satchel back in place on his shoulder, he swiftly locked his door behind him. Turning to leave, he stopped right in his tracks, staring at you.

“Uh, hi,” he said with a surprised, yet chipper voice, “you must be my new neighbour!”

He didn’t move closer, giving you a chance to take him in completely. Short, yet messy brown hair, big kind eyes, and all clad in a professional, yet comfortable garb, he flashed you a small smile.

“I, um- “your sentence was cut short by the sound of your keys hitting the floor. Looking down at them, you didn’t bend down to pick them up, your brain not really processing that that would be the logical thing to do next. Instead, you just stood there, frozen in place.

Rushing over to help, “oh, here, let me,” the stranger kneeled in front of you, “you already have your hands full,” and plucked the bundle of keys off the ground and offered them to you.

“Thanks,” you said in a small voice, not moving to obtain the dropped item that he so kindly offered in front of you, but still just standing there, looking down at him. God, he was pretty.

Registering that you weren’t going to take the keys back, he stood up. From far away, you hadn’t noticed just how tall he was, but up close, it was crystal clear just how much he towered over you.

Looking down at the yellow flowers in your grasp, he stated out of the blue, “adoration”

“Excuse me?”

“Um, sunflowers, they symbolize adoration, among other things like optimism and loyalty,” he nodded, ending his sentence with a small bite to his bottom lip.

“Oh!” you giggled, letting out a nervous breath, then tilting your head slightly in a questioning manner “are you a botanist?”

“No, what I do for a living has nothing to do with plants, I just read a book once about the language of flowers,” he explained.

“Ah, okay,” you nodded, “adoration you said?”

His smile now growing, he nodded softly, “yeah.”

Feeling your body starting to loosen up by his warmth, you decided to keep going, “so, if you don’t work with plants, what do you do for a living, Mr., um- “pausing, realization hitting that you didn’t know his name yet.

“Spencer” he quickly filled in for you, “my name is Spencer Reid, um, Doctor Reid.”

“Oh, you’re a doctor?” you said, impressed.

“I am, well, not that that kind of a doctor, um, they are PhDs” he stammered, gesticulating with his hands, ”I work for the FBI.”

Only now, you looked down to notice the revolver strapped to his belt. “Really?” you asked, wanting him to keep going.

“Yeah, the BAU. I’m a profiler.”

“Profiler, that’s like psychology and stuff, right?” you squinted my eyes.

“Y-yeah,” he smiled, “it is.”

Biting your lip, you looked down at your shoes. You were still standing in the hallway. Why were you still just standing here? A minute ago, you were so eager to get inside to relax, but no, here you were, chatting up your very pretty new neighbour. Or well, you weren’t chatting him up, just the normal amount of getting to know the person you live next to. He was probably in a hurry to get to wherever he had to go, and you were holding him back. So, you reached out your hand, palm up, and smiled politely, “it was nice to meet you, Dr Reid.”

Dropping the keys in your outstretched hand, “yeah, you too. Welcome to the building, um, what’s your name?”

“Y/n. My name is Y/n Y/l/n.”

“Y/n.” he muttered, tasting your name on his tongue, “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, see you,” you smiled, watching his lanky frame make its way down the hall and the stairs, offering a small wave before disappearing completely from view.

next chapter

© 2022 thyme-in-a-bubble 

[twincaptains]

Obsequium: Part I: Chapter Two - Dipper's September

TITLE: Obsequium Part I: Chapter Two: Dipper’s September PAIRINGS:  Dipford (Ford x Dipper), Bipford, (Bipper x Ford), regular Billford (Bill x Ford) Pinecest (Dipper x Mabel), Stancest, (Stan x Ford), and possibly others. SUMMARY: Dipper writes to Mabel about his experiences back in Gravity Falls. He’s learning a lot! He is also suffering. I’m not sure he’s okay, actually. NOTES: I am posting to Tumblr for now, but eventually will be cross-posting to Ao3. I am in line to get an account, and should have one by the end of the month. Warnings for this chapter – as well as for the rest of the story – under the cut!

CHAPTER WARNINGS: Drug abuse, caregiver neglect, mind control OVERALL WARNINGS: Incest, sibling incest, minor, coercive control, mind control, caregiver neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, dubious consent (dubcon), body horror, suicidal ideation, food restriction, sleep deprivation, self-harm, drug abuse, being drugged, lost time, and I’m going to specifically going to warn for “Ford being cruel to Stanley”, because it made me upset when I wrote it so I want to warn for it. If I forgot anything, please let me know and I will fix it IMMEDIATELY. I will add more if anything else comes up.   Chapter One is here!!

-

Sunday, September 4th Heyyyy Mabel!

I'm currently trudging around the woods looking for the source of a mysterious voice. What could go wrong, right? In all seriousness this thing is getting annoying. We'd at least like to find the source, if not a way to get it to be quiet.

I miss you already. It's kinda the worst. Even worse, I can't say that out loud or I'll get a stupid lecture. I love Great Uncle Ford, I really do, but he relates to other people the way a zookeeper relates to their animals. I'm not sure he's ever actually really loved anyone or anything. If he did, he forgot how along the way. I get that he's probably done that to protect himself, but what happens when we finish our work and there's nobody there to clap? I'm slowly trying to reason with him, but he is stubborn. More stubborn than Grunkle Stan, if you can believe that.

I'm really sorry I talked your ear off about that girl I have a crush on. I just hoped you knew what I should do, because I certainly don't. It's true, I can't ever tell her. She can never ever know how I feel. I think I'd literally die, and she'd never speak to me again and I don't think I could handle that. I get to spend so little time around her already that I don't want to risk it. Still. I can't stop thinking about her, even now, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, with wet socks and a dwindling supply of trail mix. So I figured ... hey. Why not write to Mabel?

I'm going to try and be more consistent with my letters this fall. I know I tend to sink into my work and time gets away from me, but I've already sat down and marked days in my planner to set time aside to write to you. I've also set eight million reminders in my PDA. Rumor has it that we might be getting an upgraded cell tower in town soon, which means I'll FINALLY be able to TIMEFACE you like a PROPER RESIDENT of the TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY!!!!!

I hope you're doing well in school; I know that math is hard but I believe in you. You just have to try your best, that's all. Your best is always good enough.

Anyway, back to the woods. Hurrah.

Love, Dip

-

Thursday, September 8th

S'up S'up S'up Maaaaaaaaaybeeeeee

So my week has already been weird. Apparently while I was gone, Great Uncle Ford made me this wild VR helmet that's helping me get my mind off that girl I like. I have to admit, it's kinda weird? It's function and purpose is actually a little dystopian, if I'm being honest, but it's really doing the trick for me right now so I'll question it years later when I'm unpacking this portion of my life to a therapist.

It's really freed up my mind in a way that I never thought was possible. Do you remember me telling you I was stuck on some of my school stuff? I got through it this afternoon no problem, like I'd known how to do it the entire time. Breakthroughs like that feel amazing, and are why I keep trying even when I'm struggling with something. I don't know how much I can credit to the VR helmet, or how much to credit myself, but somewhere in the middle I'm really starting to get a grip over here. As long as I don't trip and fall, I should be golden.

Bill's influence is still all over the place. I really hate it. I have tried, time and time again, to talk to Great Uncle Ford about my experiences with Bill and how they've messed me up, but he doesn't really seem interested. Or rather, it makes him actively uncomfortable. I don't know what he's hiding about his relationship with Bill, but it makes him want to throw up. I don't know who he thinks he's fooling, but it’s kinda obvious, right? Am I imagining things? They had a thing, right? Why wouldn't he want me to know that? We also had a thing ... sorta ... it's not like I wouldn't understand??? He just doesn't want to tell me too much. He doesn’t trust me.

Why not??????

I've worked insanely hard to prove myself and even now he still keeps me juuuust outside of the loop. It's really starting to grind my gears, I'm almost an adult and I should be treated like one. I'll just keep being a Good Little Assistant until he lets me inside of his head. Things will only improve from there.

I think I'm gonna try and sneak a nap. I'm weirdly tired lately, maybe it's the light changing.

Love, Dip

-

Monday, September 12th

Yo! Mabel!

I'm sinking my teeth into some new subjects for school and I'm having a really great time with it so far! I get to make three-dimensional models that have hidden fourth, fifth, and sixth dimensional sides -- it's absolutely wild and I cannot wait to start arranging my first array. You know how I feel about complex shapes, I'm going to have an amazing time with this.

Things with hidden dimensions are just so cool, Mabel. I think you'd really like them, because they're so beautiful -- like genuinely pretty. They remind me of how you doodle in your notebooks, especially in the margins. Can you doodle in the margins of your next reply a bit? Dumb thing to ask, I know, but I miss them. I even miss them showing up in MY notebooks. I'm sorry if I ever yelled at you for doing that.

To answer your questions about the VR Helmet: 1. It's called the OBSEC... bunchanumbers. Nothing cool. 2. I have no idea how it works, I just know what it does. 3. What it does is kinda really embarrassing, so I'm gonna try and do my best to get my point across without passing out or throwing this letter in the garbage. Basically, it lets you sorta play through little... scenarios, anything you could think of, and along with that comes a certain level of .... biochemical involvement. That is to say, your brain pumps a bunch of feel-good chemicals into your bloodstream because it thinks you're doing something fun -- even though you're really not! This is helping me become more focused and less distracted by my teenaged-boyness. Obviously, given my performance at school lately. Feels like I'm cheating the system somehow??? But I think that's the entire point.

One more thing: Have you been calling Grunkle Stan at all? He seems really, really lonely. Worse than usual. He's been leaving Great Uncle Ford messages on his answering machine this whole time, but in the last few months he's gone from calling a few times a week, to calling every day, sometimes twice. Great Uncle Ford won't even listen to the messages, he makes me delete them for him. Playing armchair psych here; I think he feels kinda bad about what a jerk he's being, but isn't ready to admit that yet. Hearing Stan's voice, and knowing that Stan refuses to just ... hate him the way Great Uncle Ford wants him to ... it's starting to get to him. I see cracks like that here and there, which is why I'm not giving up hope that they can maybe patch things up someday. I think Great Uncle Ford needs to figure out that he can trust us, and that he'll be safe here if he does.

Anyway. Miss you, love you ... all that stuff.

Love, Dip

-

Thursday, September 15th

Mabel

I wanna die right now. My unyeilding rage won't allow it.

I was really getting into my coursework, and I asked Great Uncle Ford if he had anything to keep me up a bit longer because I felt like I was close to figuring something out and didn't want to lose it if I went to bed. I see him take stuff all the time, and he had no qualms about handing me ... something.

What I expected was Adderall. Or at least, something LIKE that, you know?? I took those for years! They caused more problems than they solved, sure, but that was because I was taking them long-term. This was supposed to be a one-off thing, a normal all-nighter.

It was not like that. It was not like that at all.

Worst anxiety attack of my life. I don't have the capacity to calculate exactly how long I was awake? But it was too long, and I'm mad that I'm awake right now.

The worst part about all of this? Great Uncle Ford acted like this was somehow MY fault. Like I'm some kind of wimp for reacting badly to mystery space drugs. Like I lied to him about what I could tolerate, or something. He just stood there and huffed at me, shaking his head and asking me "Are you done?" about every 15 minutes.

I'm currently not speaking to him. At least not today. Maybe not tomorrow, either. He resents that I'm angry at him for not giving me any type of warning about what that drug was about to do to me, I assumed I was about to become awake and alert -- not achieve nirvana by being fired out of a canon at mach fuck straight into a glass wall. Very annoyed. Very annoyed that he's acting this way.

I think I'm going to have to get him back for this, somehow. I'll need to bide my time, but he'll regret the way he tutted at me like I was some kind of preschooler throwing a tantrum.

Love, Dip

-

Sunday, September 18th

-Maybee Baby- Ms. Mabel Mack,

Got a little sick and tired of the mood in the house being so chilly, so I offered an olive branch of sorts: using my audio equipment to try and capture those whispers we keep hearing. Great Uncle Ford said we should go out looking for them (I think he was just hoping to change the subject), and I countered with staying near the house and using my stuff to make sure we're hearing what we think we're hearing.

I was right, we didn't need to go out in the woods. We heard a lot last night, and I definitely got some on my recorders. Enough, in fact, that it was worth coming out for a second night. That's what I'm doing now, well, that and writing to you.

The whispers are making me uneasy, but in a way that makes me want to keep pursuing them, you know? I feel like that once I figure them out, a lot of other things will start to make sense. Not exactly THE answers I'm looking for, but the thing that's going to set me on the path that takes me to them. For the time being I'm grateful they've been getting us out of the house. I spent so much of the summer inside and underground. You saw me! Was I the crimson adonis I usually am? No. Pale as dough. And I'm only going to get paler as winter creeps in. I may be translucent by Christmas.

You said you've been e-mailing some old friends? Heard back from anyone? I sometimes run into people when I go into town, but nobody seems to want to talk to me. I think they're mad, and I guess they have a right to be, but it really reinforces how alone I am out here. I honestly thought it would take me less than a year to get Great Uncle Ford to see the light and reconcile with Grunkle Stan.

I really miss you.

Love,

   D I      P -

Tuesday, September 20th

Mabel

I'm so fucking angry right now that I want to scream. Grateful for the Screaming Closet Great Uncle Ford installed the first summer we were here, I'll tell you that much. I had to try and keep calm and be reasonable so that I didn't explode, WHICH WAS THE WORST.

UGH.

Oh. My god.

I caught him researching restraining orders. You can guess why, and for who. I don't even want to put it in writing because it's just going to make me angry all over again. I can't fucking believe him.

I don't know what it is, but he seems extra moody and distant lately -- and get this, he accuses me of the same thing. Yeah, you know what? I AM a little peevish. Miffed, even. And lately he's doing and saying things that make me not want to be around him, so I've been distant. I also have a lot on my mind that has nothing to do with anything in particular, but it's taking up time and space so I'm a little short on change for the Putting Up With His Bullshit Express.

As if that weren't enough, guess who's analyzing ALL of the audio we recorded over the weekend by himself? I had three devices running for almost 20 hours total over two days. Ghost Hunter Plumbers don't have to work under these conditions. Neither do the guys from Dudebro Ghost Show. He could very easily help but he is choosing not to, and I think that's what makes me the maddest, out of all of it.

He isn't great with computers? Not hopeless, but very rigid and unwilling to exit his comfort zone, which is a weird combination of things we haven't done in 30 years and things we won't be doing for another 200. I don't think my Fruitbook would be that hard to figure out, they're made to be intuitive, but what's intuitive for everyone else generally isn't for Great Uncle Ford. I think he gets embarrassed about that and would rather pretend it's beneath him than reveal he's bad at it.

Lots to think about. Aiee.

Love, Dip

-

Thursday, September 22nd

Mabelfish,

I'm doing a lot better, thanks. Especially since someone sent me a five pound bag of blue raspberry BubbHeddz.

Thank you, by the way.

I'm finishing up my analysis of all that audio I recorded, and I wish I could say I felt good about it. There is a message buried in the sounds we've been hearing, flipped and reversed -- so that we'd have to work to find it. The weirdest part is that I know, deep down inside, that this message isn't for me. It's for Great Uncle Ford.

"You'll trip and fall right in to me."

Is this why he's been acting weird lately? Is he at risk of a Bill relapse? I dunno. I almost don't want to tell him, but I know I should. Who knows, maybe this will shift his focus away from being mean to Grunkle Stan and back to being mean to Bill.

I'm gonna sleep on these findings and see how they feel in the morning.

Love, Dip

-

Monday, September 26th

Mabes,

I went a little longer than I usually like to without writing, but I was on a roll with my schoolwork. I haven't felt that 'in-the-zone' in a REALLY long time. Up until the end of last year, I hadn't really had much trouble with anything Great Uncle Ford threw at me. These last few subjects though, woof. I know they're going to be important later on, at least -- that's what Great Uncle Ford says, and I kinda have to trust him on that.

Shame that trusting him is harder and harder to do lately, but what can you do?

In addition to advancing my studies, we had to do some cleanup around the property. It's funny, I used to hate doing stuff like that, but I had a great time being outside and getting fresh air. I still ache in places I didn't even know it was possible to ache, but it's a GOOD ache, one that accomplished something. It certainly keeps my body from acting in ways I don't want it to.

Not that that's a problem I usually have! My body is definitely fine and I am in complete control of it at all times. But between my sleep being all weird and that pill I took earlier this month, I feel a little less than square sometimes. I'd like to say stress is also a factor, but with the OBSEC-8177 I'm not really experiencing a whole lot of stress. When I do, it's temporary, and usually Great Uncle Ford's fault.

I think you'd like the OBSEC-8177 a lot. If you're ever allowed to visit here you can give it a try. I doubt Great Uncle Ford would let me take something like this out of the house, so you'd have to come here. We should figure out a way to make that happen.

Love, Diiip

-

Thursday, September 29th

Maybe it's Mabel,

Against my better judgement, I'm sitting here decoding more audio. Great Uncle Ford grabbed my recording devices and started rolling when I stepped inside for a little bit and, unfortunately, he caught some things.

More backmasked talking, and it makes me feel kinda gross. It's nothing particularly threatening, though definitely threatening, it's just layered with a certain level of ... familiarity, I'll call it. It kinda comes off as flirty?? But that doesn't seem right, does it? Maybe I can somehow regain access to my e-mail and I can send you these clips so you can see what I mean.

It is 100% Bill, by the way. It wouldn't be the first time we've received weird little voice notes from him, but these are different than anything we've encountered in the past. Real "the call is coming from inside the house" vibes: "Don't be so sure." and "I'm closer than you think." Personally, I think we should stop engaging ... but Bill is making that hard. I have found that vocally acknowledging these noises makes them quiet down for a bit, but the longer you go without confronting them the louder they become. I think we should probably try and figure out a way to fortify the house a bit better? Hard to bring that kind of thing up, because Great Uncle Ford gets really tetchy if you imply something he's done isn't good enough.

Can it be Thanksgiving yet?

Love, Dip

[arkhaline]

My Complete Thoughts on RvB: Restoration

Major spoilers for the entire season below the cut!

I think the biggest sin of this season was not clarifying when it takes place, as it cheapened a lot of the twists by genuinely confusing me or contrasting information that we had already been given in S15-S18. Keep this in mind for the rest of the review.

Maybe the allusion to Caboose’s voice being “misremembered” was confirmation that it was in fact a simulation post-S13, but it still wasn’t super clear to me. Especially since Dylan was talking about the Reds and Blues (even though I know they met post-S10), which kinda made it feel like Restoration could be post-S18 (unless that was the point). There was just enough ambiguity that it really could have gone either way for most of the movie.

I feel like the humor was a bit off?? Maybe it was a generational gap since the show was going back to someone who hasn’t written for it in a while and is older than the current writers (case in point: he used tropes that Gen Z makes fun of a lot, e.g. he’s right behind me isn’t he). The Zoom call bit also went on WAY too long. The metacommentary about the changing attitudes toward RT also felt a bit tone deaf. In general, a lot of the trademark RvB banter just felt stale, it was the more general dialogue that was stronger (though Church telling Caboose to shut up when Simmons was talking did make me laugh).

Also, Grif was so angry all the time at the beginning?? Felt out of character and took me out of those early scenes. Maybe it was a setup for the whole discharge subplot but it just felt… off

The writing was just a bit clunky at the beginning, felt very direct and exposition-y, but that might be because they had so much to cover in so little time. It resolved itself later, anyway (except for the rapid fire ending, there was so much to unpack there).

Alright enough complaining about the general format, here are my more detailed thoughts.

Sheila!!! That is all.

I can excuse Caboose secretly speaking Spanish the whole time because there was a bit in S16 (maybe 17? can’t remember) where he understands something that Lopez said.

I initially completely missed the fact that the Meta’s color scheme was an allusion to Felix, that is so fucked up. Tucker dressed in the colors of the man he hates the most about to kill his closest friends? Jesus.

The Director being Epsilon’s therapist in the YouTube video made me laugh really hard.

Speaking of therapists, Wash was patient 619-B and I think that was the Counselor’s voice. Is the implication that he survived in this timeline?? Because he died before Epsilon fractured himself, so that much should at least be set in stone. Not really clear on that.

The “Great Destroyer” thing felt a bit retcon-y, but I can get behind it well enough.

I got so excited when 479er showed up, glad that we got confirmation that she made it out of Recovery okay. Wish we could’ve seen her and Wash (and Carolina) interact though.

I wish they had done Sarge’s death a bit differently. Kinda wish he hadn’t been all “that worked out well!” only to be stabbed, it felt very “he’s right behind me isn’t he” and made the fact that he was about to be stabbed obvious from a million miles away. There’s definitely something to be said about him sacrificing himself for a blue, and the deathbed interactions he had with the others were really good, but it kinda just felt like shock value?? Like there wasn’t enough build up to the payoff, it just kinda seemed like he decided to save Caboose last minute without any major character motivations or development behind the decision.

Which is another thing, it felt like it relied a LOT on Red vs. Blue dynamics in the beginning, and I was fucking flabbergasted when they actually left Caboose behind. The same people who broke time to save Wash would just leave Caboose to die like that? No way.

Meta!Tucker felt like it wasn’t explored enough, mostly just “no I won’t do your bidding” and “yes you will” back and forth with no real depth. However, credit where credit is due, I LOVED how this gave us a new perspective to Maine’s descent into madness. That ten-years-of-torture-in-a-few-seconds thing? So fucked up. Can you imagine being tortured by the remnants of your best friend, who have zero regard for your well-being? If they did all of that to Tucker in the short time they were together, just imagine what they did to Maine to get him to the point he was at at the end of S10/by Recollection.

Bonus points for the fact that the fragments tortured Tucker without a second thought when they themselves are a result of torture. They seemed to spare no empathy for Tucker despite having been through this themselves. Then again, I suppose they are they are copies of the original Leonard Church, who had no such qualms.

Didn’t realize that Meta!Tucker was voiced by Miles Luna (aka Felix’s voice actor) until the credits, that was an extra layer of fucked up and I loved it.

I really enjoyed Wash’s plot for the most part. I was definitely super intrigued the whole time since so much of his subplot didn’t add up from his perspective. I mean, I think he deserved something more for a send-off since most of his arc wasn’t really related to his character as a whole (besides the freelancer thing at the end). However, I still enjoyed it for what it was worth.

Additionally, if this is post-S13, I wish they’d clarified because I assumed that Wash was suffering from cerebral hypoxia and not some other injury. They kept alluding to something that happened on Chorus, but I wasn’t clear on the fact that it was a separate timeline of events. The Doc plot twist threw me off a lot more as a result.

I could tell he was gonna launch himself off the cliff and it still made me laugh hysterically.

I’m glad that the final battle was in Blood Gulch. It’s cliché, but it felt full-circle. Plus, it was the best resting place for Sarge in canon and a good set-up for a “why were we here” moment.

I knew Simmons was gonna have his arm broken but I still gasped anyway. And when the shotgun was cut in half??? Bro my jaw was on the floor, it was like when John Wick’s dog was killed (probably, I’ve never seen that movie). But the way Simmons cocked the shotgun with one hand was badass as hell, good for him.

I’m glad we got something resembling a Simmons character arc? I think it relied a lot on setup from previous seasons of him becoming a leader, with little to no actual development in S19 itself, but it still felt at least decently satisfying.

“Best throw ever. Of all time” made me laugh, I love a good callback. Actually, there were a lot of fun callbacks to jokes, like the irony bit. They were greatly appreciated.

Tucker getting launched by a warthog actually made me laugh really hard, I love the “shotgun as a code word” bit so much.

The Tex plot twist was SO GOOD, I totally didn’t see it coming. Much better direction to go anyway, since we already put Church to rest in S15. So glad that Caboose was able to get his moment in the spotlight and have the smartest plan of all of them. Unless it was Church’s plan, in which case I find it so sweet that he wanted to bring Tex back instead of himself (even if it did cheapen the S9 “let her go” thing a bit). I also really loved the callback where her armor turned black because of the teleporter, that was really good.

I got so excited when they started playing Round One I’ll be honest. Also, I Say Ooh?? Was not expecting that one.

In all honesty, I didn’t love the soundtrack (kinda felt stock music-y and cliché in a lot of parts, plus it didn’t have the musical style that we’ve come to expect from RvB). It was fine, but nothing to write home about. The campfire song was good too. I know about the whole thing where Trocadero wouldn’t join on unless everyone was brought back on, and now that we know that RT is shutting down, it’s possible that this was because multiple musical artists just weren’t in the budget. That said, it’s a shame that there weren’t more original songs.

I called that Carolina was gonna be Recovery (though now I think about it, why was she doing Recovery?? was it even Recovery since Charon had been shut down??? What happened to her after Chorus???? Also her talking about how her and Wash would do everything together from now on meanwhile she left him behind in some hospital?????). Anyway, the fight with her and Tex was SO fan service-y but I ate it up anyway, good for them.

Tex winning because she was a collection of the Reds and Blues’ memories and she always won against them was so, so good, something to be said about the positive nature of the memories of your friends (I mean just look at how happy they had been when recounting everything they’d been through!)

Also if just talking about someone was enough to create a functional AI, it kinda makes the whole “torturing Alpha to make more AI” thing totally pointless and retcons the entire show but. Whatever.

TEX DESERVED THIS ENDING!! I like the S9 ending in a lot of ways, it was poetic that she was finally allowed to rest after being dragged back so many times against her will, but I think it also felt incomplete because I don’t know if being put to rest was what Tex herself would actually want. There is a significant difference between not electing to bring her back again and choosing to take her out of the fight. Tex was never allowed to make her own decisions, not even in S9. This ending was entirely on her terms, which I think was fantastic.

I loved the rockslide, it reminded me a lot of the ice fight from S8 was just generally very fun.

It’s established that Tucker became the Meta because he had several AI when just two was enough to almost kill Carolina. If this isn’t the canon timeline, then why didn’t Tucker become the Meta in that one? For a reason besides “the writers didn’t think of it”.

I hope that Burnie came up with the idea for this season by reading Meta!Tucker fan fiction.

The Doc thing was so??? Why did they do a Sixth Sense. Like I think that twist would have worked a LOT better if they made it clearer when this took place (I kept flip flopping on whether this was an alternate timeline post-S13 or main timeline post-S18 up until this point, which made the whole Doc-died-on-Chorus thing feel like it came out of nowhere since, if it was post-S18, we knew that Doc survived Chorus. It also makes Epsilon’s sacrifice to get them all out of there feel a bit cheaper since they didn’t all get out of there, but maybe that suggests that S15-S18 are the main timeline).

How did Doc heal Wash’s leg?? Was it even broken in the first place??? Did they ever clarify that????

I GASPED when the Freelancers showed up. It was camp as hell and hard to take seriously but also I don’t even care. I’m glad he got some kind of goodbye, since he was always too late to do so as a Recovery agent.

Kinda funny that Wyoming wasn’t there but Florida was, and also South was there even though Wash murdered her in cold blood. Anyway.

When One showed up I felt every emotion I think

Bro where the hell was Donut? There was no good reason for him not to at least show up, maybe on the pelican with One or something. Especially since S16 and S17 were dedicated to an entire arc about how everyone should stop disrespecting Donut, like come on.

Edit: did a little research and it might be because there’s no pink armor in the game this season was filmed in? Which is so hard to believe, since Halo has so many references to RvB. I can’t believe they would just cut out the armor colors of one of the main characters and make it impossible for him to return in the way we know him, it’s messed up.

I know time was short, but I wish we had more time to explore Tucker’s feelings post-Meta. Especially since he killed Sarge, even though it definitely wasn’t his fault. There probably wasn’t enough time to get into all that, but still, he seemed remarkably fine after everything that had happened. I guess that kind of exploration is what AO3 is for lol.

I have mixed feelings about the end for Tex and Church. On one hand, Tex calling herself Allison Church was so sweet and I loved how caring she was, it reminded me of when she said goodbye to Alpha during the Freelancer saga. Also, the fact that there was finally a Church free of the memories of his predecessors felt very satisfying. However, I kind of wish that they could have just had their happily ever after and stayed in the memory unit. I understand the decision—destroying the remaining AI was really the best way to make sure Project Freelancer was put to rest forever—but I kinda feel like she and Church deserved better than simply being put down after everything they’d been through.

One final team kill for Caboose. Ow.

The animation was really, really good!! It looked much better than that plasticky look the trailer had. I didn’t love Epsilon’s animations (they felt a bit jerky and overacted), but otherwise I think they did a really great job. I especially loved how they animated the AI on Tucker’s visor, it looked cool as hell.

I think one of the things this season suffered from was the overall tonal shift in the writing. Burnie hadn’t written for, and Matt hadn’t solely directed, a season in a LONG time. We’ve come to expect more character-focused narratives that dive into the nuisances of the characters and their relationships, and we didn’t really get that here (unless you count Sarge’s deathbed confession to Grif that he was hard on him because he wanted him to be more, which still felt a bit shallow. Actually, there are lot of things which could be considered set-ups in retrospect, but their intended payoffs didn’t feel like payoffs). I think there was a consequential whiplash as compared to what we have come to expect from RvB, and while the writing style we got wasn’t inherently bad (again, I liked a lot of it), it was definitely different.

I really, really hated that Grif left at the end. That’s literally the antithesis of his S15 arc, which felt much more complete and true to the character than this one. It’s impossible not to compare these arcs because of how inherently similar they are, and because I believe the S15 arc is superior (Grif’s exhaustion was a more subtle and believable reaction than this Grif’s raw anger, and his realization of how much he relied on his team was much more powerful than this Grif just tapping out), it makes the S19 Grif arc feel poorly thought out.

Also, he wanted to be discharged, but I don’t think they worked for the UNSC or any other military organization after Chorus since they all retired, so was any of that really necessary? Maybe retirement is just a vessel, so to speak, to represent Grif leaving adventure behind him for good. Still, I liked the way S15 handled this arc a lot more.

Vale Deah. Ow.

NO GRIMMONS??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

The most we got was Grif leaving and asking Simmons to come with him but like. “not scared to take risks my ass”, Burnie.

Honestly, I think this season was a victim of its format. Eighty minutes isn’t a lot of time to properly send off these characters, especially when RvB as a format is based on multi-season arcs. There just wasn’t enough time to build up tension or explore the dynamics of something as extreme as Meta!Tucker in a way that would feel satisfying. That said, I think Burnie did a pretty good job fitting as many things as he did into this format. A part of me is almost glad that Grimmons wasn’t made canon? I feel like it might’ve felt rushed to give it a satisfying arc in just 80 minutes in addition to all of the other shit going on, and I think after 21 years they deserved at least a satisfying resolution. However, they did NOT deserve an ending which implied that they would never see each other again, what the fuck.

TL;DR? 7.5/10. Far from perfect, and there were a lot of creative decisions made that I heavily disagree with. However, they did a lot right, too, and it still seems heartfelt in a way that helps me overlook some of its flaws. Overall, I enjoyed this season for what it was worth. There are some qualities of S17 that I think made for a better final goodbye to these characters, and some qualities of S19 that I think made for a better goodbye (in all honesty I never finished S18, but it wasn’t really a “goodbye” season anyway). Wrapping up a 21-year-old series is very difficult, and I have a lot of respect for Burnie and the others who worked on Restoration for what they put together. Truthfully, I’m gonna pick and choose which segments of S17 and S19 are canon in my heart (S17 is still the overall canon ending for me), but I’m happy with what we got in the end.

Anyways, I’m happy to chat more in the replies, let me know your thoughts!

[an-ruraiocht]

had my last session with my current therapist (postponed from last week) and i am sad that i won't get to work with them anymore :( would've liked more sessions. accidentally threw in some Issues right at the end that they were like "................ well. we don't have time to unpack THAT but you, uh, you probably should do some unpacking"