#my situation has improved greatly since then but part of that was because I got so good at not rocking the boat as they say

[ryderdire]

thinking about that one time I posted about going to an rally organized by STUDENTS at my shcool. In support of Pro-Choice stuff, out of all the werid anti life retrotic that got thrown around in my notes and the notes going “uhuh r/thathappened” comments what discouraged me the most where the notes going off on me about how I didn’t do “enough” and how it hardly mattered and wasn’t going to change anything. And what that says about how the internet views it.

Looking back I remember feeling so ashamed of myself that I even brought it up or that I wasn’ t doing “more” and how it made me not want to get involved again because the only ways i could where small and “didn’t matter “ because of an situation out of my control that I was (AND STILL AM IN BY THE WAY) in. How people thought it was appropriate to chastise me for not doing enough because of that.

Oh and by the way when I made that post I was 16. So yeah great job guys /sarcasm

[bu1410]

Good afternoon TUMBLR - April 21th - 2024

''Mr. Plant has owed me a shoe since July 5, 1971."

Algeria Tiaret – 2003 – 2004

Part 1 In Italy was the hottest summer in centuries, and there were electricity cuts several times a day. Sometimes we just couldn't stand it anymore, and then we looked for refreshment in the Alps or at the Como lake. During one of these excursions we were at Piano del Tivano, when I received a call from the SAIPEM personnel office. An old acquaintance from my Nigerian days tells me:

Are you free?

Yes why'?

Bulato from Algeria mentioned your name for his project.

Umm…. are you sure? I'm asking this because I never got along with Bulato, so it seems strange to me that he mentioned my name.

I'm sure - come on, I'll wait for you here at the office tomorrow.

So it was that 15 days later I left for Algeria after the usual medical visits and eligibility. Milan-Rome-Algiers and then Hassi Messaoud, where I landed in the new airport that had just been inaugurated. The next day I was introduced to the presence of ''Come Xea Bulato''. I did not hide my surprise when I learned that he had specifically mentioned my name for this new assignment.

How is it?…. He tells me – have you got your head straight?

Gilbert….I've always had my head in order…. maybe you get confused with someone else.

Come on come on…. that ''so'' there is this new SP6 station that we haven't started yet so see if you go there tomorrow and start ahhh….

Okay , see you there Gilbert.

OZ2 PROJECT As part of the increase in the production and export of Algerian crude oil, SAIPEM in joint venture with the French Spie-CAPAG had acquired the EPC (Engineering-Procurement-Construction) of 6 pumping stations plus a reception station of the new OZ3 oil pipeline . A Russian company had been awarded the construction of two 46-inch pipelines, which would bring crude oil from wells located in southern Algeria to the port of Arzew, near Oran. The pumping stations were planned on the route of more than 1,000 km long - spaced about 150 km apart. The stations were in practice very similar, a sort of copy-paste, with minimal differences due to the morphology of the site where they were built, or, as in the case of SP6, due to the provision of large power generators, given the distance of the station from the Algerian electricity grid. However, the French of Spie-Capag had forced SAIPEM to accept their rotation schedule, so we Italians also had 54 days of straight work and 16 days of vacation. It is true that of these 16 days we ended up spending 12 at home, given that the security procedures required us to return to Hassi Messaoud to fly to Paris and reach Milan the following day (same procedure for the return as well). For us stationed relatively close to Oran – about 250km away – this was doubly stressful. From Oran international airport we could have reached Paris and Milan in a day, but safety procedures forced us to make a (dangerous) journey of over 1,000 km by car.

SP6 PUMPING STATION

JOURNEY FROM HASSI MESSAOUD TO TIARET SP6 Meanwhile, at the Hassi Messaoud base I had found some old colleagues, such as the faithful Gilbert Mercado, the Philipino Quantity Surveyor who had been with me on the Taweelah Water project in Abu Dhabi. However, I had noticed that when someone asked me ''which station you were assigned to'' to my answer ''to SP6'' everyone without distinction would sneer. The next morning, in view of the 600 km to travel in the Land Cruiser, I was ready very early. I would have learned that there was no point in getting up at dawn: in any case - according to safety procedure - you had to wait for the so-called ''armed escort'' that the Algerian army kindly provided to us (for a generous fee). The situation in Algeria had improved greatly since the 1992-95 civil war, but pockets of guerrilla warfare persisted which aimed above all at kidnapping foreigners to profit from possible ransoms and for the resonance this type of action had in the media. Finally, around 9.30 the escort arrived: two Land Cruisers with eight heavily armed soldiers. I would have traveled in an armored Toyota with two soldiers on board, one car preceded us by about 300-400 meters, and the second followed us closely. Continuous radio contact between us and also with the operational base of Hassi Messaoud, where a former French officer of the Foreign Legion was stationed. A further complication that would have slowed down the journey enormously was represented by the fact that the armed escort could not cross the border of the so-called ''wilaya'' ("district or province). At every province border, the armed escort that was supposed to take over the current one was perpetually late. Furthermore, the meeting between the two escorts inevitably produced hugs, greetings, tea and coffee sessions that could last for hours. With these premises, starting at 10.00 in the morning, in the evening we had traveled just 385 km, and we stopped to spend the night at the SP3 camp, near the city of Ghardaia.

GHARDAIA The city is the main settlement of the Mzab valley, a place of refuge for members of the Islamic sect of Ibadi after the collapse of the kingdom of Tahert; It still retains much of its medieval architecture today, some of which has been declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site. The municipality of Ghardaïa has a population of approximately 93,000 inhabitants. It is a fortified city divided into three sectors surrounded by walls. In the center is the historic Mozabite area, with a mosque with a pyramidal minaret and a square with porticoes. Noteworthy are the white, pink and red houses, built with sand, clay and chalk, characterized by terraced roofs and porticoes. In her 1963 book, The Force of Things, the French existentialist philosopher Simone de Beauvoir described Ghardaïa as "a beautifully constructed cubist painting".

GHARDAIA – SP6 Tiaret The following morning, after having eaten breakfast, we finally left for Tiaret, or rather for the SP6 station, which was located on a plateau at 1,200 meters above sea level and about 40 km south of Tiaret. We passed through the city of Laghouat, then a large military center. The landscape was exasperatingly monotonous: the usual desert of stones and low shrubs which always gives that ''dirty'' impression. The spare changes followed one another incessantly, and the march was perhaps even slower than the day before. The sun was setting when we turned right from the N14 state road towards the East onto the sandy track that led to the SP6 station. About twenty kilometers of very rough track (it would have created quite a few problems during the transport of the heaviest equipment) and we finally arrived at the station camp in the dark (Against safety procedures).

SP6 The next morning I took a look around the field and the construction site and I immediately realized why my colleagues were grinning at the mere mention of ''SP6'': we were in the most classic ''in the middle of nowhere''. All around are low mountains devoid of vegetation, a truly uninspiring landscape. Next to the new station, about 200 meters away, the old SP6 built in the 1980s showed all the signs of its age. The SAIPEM camp - right next to the offices and construction site, another serious mistake - was made up of the same old ''caravans'' which certainly had a better past. The cramped rooms, with a built-in bathroom, a single bed, a small wardrobe, table and chair, satellite TV: all the ''amenities'' that ''SAIPEM mother'' (but in this case I would say more ''stepmother'' '') reserved for us. There was a very spartan canteen, where everyone ate together, expatriates and locals, which caused quite a few problems.

THE STAFF At the time of my arrival the staff was still in flux. The Site Manager, according to the agreements between SAIPEM and Spie CAPAG, was a Frenchman named Antoine Barrault. Already a person of a certain age, he continually remarked that he had a past as a builder of nuclear power plants with AREVA - so for him this assignment in Algeria where a simple oil pumping station was to be built, would have been ''a joke''. He will be replaced within two months, and we will have fallen from the ''frying pan into the fire'': Monsieur Borrut will arrive, who will distinguish himself above all by having personally written 783 letters to the Client SONATRAC. During his stay, Mr. Borrut came to the site just once, during a visit by Mr. Bulato. We were passing by in front of gas separator and Mr. Bulato asked him the function of this equipment - Borrut in desperation because he didn't know it, and with broad silent cinema gestures turned to me, asking me to answer instead of him: a truly ridiculous and pitiful moment.

MICHELI GIORGIO At the beginning of the station construction, Giorgio was a young new employee of SAIPEM. He was acting as handyman, but Bulato soon called Giorgio 'next to him' at Hassi Messaoud's base and made him his personal assistant. The young boy from Mandello was endowed with great potential, and in fact he was going to have a great career in SAIPEM, where he currently holds the position of Director of the Worldwide Onshore sector. Giorgio once had an argument with the Starstroy Company Russians (The pipeline's Contractors) . Micheli had made the mistake of going to face them alone, and only his rapid ''strategic retreat'' avoided worse trouble. He risked to be beaten by those rude people for silly reasons.

ADRIANO ANGELOTTI I had met Adriano on the construction site in Soku, Nigeria. At SP6 his function was Mechanical Superintendent, basically he supervised all the mechanical activities of the station. He was a native of Massa Carrara, and his biggest flaw was to be one of those die-hard fans of the wrong football team, namely Milan' AC. He had filled his room with posters, banners, scarves, fake Champions Cups and all the paraphernalia of hardcore fans. Each Milan defeat he used to fell into depression for days and becaming intractable. For the rest he followed the stereotype of ''Homo SAIPEMS'' in every way, fully faithful to the Company's.

BREVI PIETRO A kind young man, Poetro was looking like a guy from another era ''parachuted'' in our time. When Mr. Borrut was finally kicked out (besides being of no use, he had a monster salary of 17,000 euros/month) this young boy from Caravaggio (Yes the same village of the famous Italian painter) took his place as Chef de Base. A function that he carried out admirably, despite his lack of experience, thanks to his innate qualities. At the end of the project, having returned to the San Donato headquarters and realizing that SAIPEM only offered him assignement abroad, he resigned from the company and set up his own business related to oil & gas.

LOCAL SUB CONTRACTOR Sometimes I feel like drawing the famous veil of compassion over these events, because the reader might think that I something against Algerians, Bengalis, Mexicans, Khazakhs and all the other ethnic groups that I have had the fortune of to come into contact during my working life. Well no, it's not like that, I swear. These people were really poor, of that type of poor that in the end you don't even have the courage to rage, because it would be, as they say in these cases, ''shooting on the Red Cross'' (or Red Crescent, if you prefer). The problem was (I think it still is) that in Algeria we have to make do with what we have - and what we have is generally of very poor quality. The only thing that saves the Algerians is the enormous goodwill of workers, technicians and construction workers in general. For the rest, the local companies lacked resources (and those that existed were constantly breaking down); the supplies of materials were constantly late. Even - at the dawn of 2003 we were only presented with a hand-written paper progress report, lacking the '' computers for accountants''. Having taken note of the situation, I, Angelotti and all SAIPEM people tried in every way to help the Sub Contractors. Without, for the avoidance of doubt, however, making our management aware of the enormous problems we faced every day. Mr. Borrut, made aware of the shortcomings of the Sub Contractors, always reacted in the same way:

Please prepare a draft letter, I will edit send it straight away to Client!'' In the end there will be hundreds of letters that Mr. Borrut himself wrote, while his secretary played on the computer.

PROJECT SECURITY . The security procedures provided for the presence at each station of a former Foreign Legion officer, who at his sole discretion issued service orders in which he regulated arrivals, departures, permissions to go to Tiaret etc. Monsieur Darcy, a young Legion retiree (he was 49 years old), worked at SP6. A very determined guy, who, taking full advantage of the laws of the French state, had moved to live in Madagascar. That's because the French law provided that pensioners who established their residence in the so-called ''Overseas Territories'' had an immediate tax benefit on the amount of the pension. In essence they collected the gross pension, without paying taxes. Darcy had established his place of residence at Ile Reunion – where his pension was credited – but he lived in Madagascar, where the cost of living was even lower. Once Mr. Darcy was on a collision course with the Algerians, who, taking advantage of the Friday prayer day, were willing to go to Tiaret using SAIPEM jeeps. Mr Darcy, citing sources of information, refused them the cars, sparking the reaction of the Algerians, who accused him of racism and to prevent them from participating in Friday prayers.

EID EL ADHA. The Aid el Adha arrived, and SAIPEM Management recommended to the Base Chief to organize a lunch for everyone, but for the Algerians in particular, with the traditional slaughtered mutton. Mr. Borrut, not knowing which way to turn, entrusted himself to the Romanian mechanic, who said he was an expert in this type of activity. Constantin Dimitrescu was a person of about 2.00 meters high, taciturn, with hands as big as shovels. Two caroufs (rams) were purchased from a shepherd who lived nearby. Constantin thought about slaughtering, and hung the rams outside his workshop waiting for Friday. In the meantime, the local catering company had prepared an area with tables, chairs and various decorations, where we would have to eat the grilled meat. On the day of the celebration the Algerians showed up in the canteen, we exchanged good wishes, with big hugs and pats on the back and the usual expressions ''Eid Mabrouk - Eid Mubarak''. But then, incomprehensibly, they disappeared and none of them showed up at the lunch. Towards the evening some of them appeared, and when asked ''why you weren't there for lunch, it had been organized especially for you'' they stated that they had preferred to go to Tiaret to take part in the great thanksgiving prayer in the large mosque. But the way in which they said it didn't convince us, so we made sure to take aside a couple of individuals from the Kabilia ethnic group, who were more open-minded. They told us the real reason for their failure to attend the lunch. Someone had seen Constantinescu marinate mutton in wine, and even cook some pieces by pouring cognac over them!!!

''So…. quest-que tu veux…. …we decide to desert the party. It's too forbidden for us to become contaminated by alcohol!!

But, we replied, many of you always drink wine at dinner in the canteen on Fridays!

Ouiiii…but you see….the majority of us don't drink wine and so all of us, out of solidarity, decided not to participate.

We had to eat mutton for ten days.

ALGERIAN TRUFFLE

The Company had rented a 19-seater plane from a private company of Czech Republic. We had prepared a dirt runway to facilitate the landing of the Let L 410 Turbolet turboprop with which Mr. Bulato and the Management intended to more frequently monitor the progress of work in the various stations. For the inaugural flight to SP6 the local catering company thought it would be a welcome thing by preparing a special buffet which also included dishes with Algerian truffles. Mr. Bulato particularly appreciated the food, and consumed it abundantly. The truffles had a strange smell to me, so I barely tasted them. Unfortunately, and then you will understand why, it was expected that I would take advantage of the return flight to Hassi Messaoud, since the day of my return to Italy for holidays had come. The flight would have saved me the usual boring two or three days of travel by road from SP6 to SP1. I boarded the aircraft with a bit of reluctance, there were about ten passengers in total, including the Colombian engineer Maria (yes, the same one I had met in Nigeria). But the ''best'' was yet to come. From above, Algeria looks a lot like a Martian landscape, with very strange colors from purple to black, from ocher to brown.

After an hour from take off Mr. Bulato started to feel ill. Strong pains in his lower abdomen that made him writhe, the origin of which was immediately attributed to the famous ''Algerian truffles''. Unfortunately, as I had recently learned, the plane was not equipped with a toilet! And there was absolutely no question of an emergency landing! Bulato couldn't take it anymore and in a fit of madness he apologized to everyone and……he spread a piece of plastic in the corridor and…unloaded himself there in front of all of us!! An unbearable stench had pervaded the plane, even though once the ''operation'' was finished Bulato had wrapped the nylon and placed the ''product'' inside a plastic bag. The pilot was asked if there was the possibility of evacuating the air - the ventilation was turned to maximum, but for a good hour most of us fought the urge to vomit. Among those who were most ill was obviously Maria. Once we landed we rushed outside to breathe, and the highly hydrocarbon-polluted air of Hassi Messaoud had never seemed so 'healthy' to us.

ABB TURBO COMPRESSORS SP6 was the last station under construction – the delivery sequence agreed with SONATRACH was SP1 – SP3 – SP5 - after which SP2 – SP4 – SP6. Our station suffered a further delay when at the port of Oran, during the unloading operations of the turbo compressors of German origin, one of the three fell into sea! In any case we prepared to receive two of the three planned turbo compressors. With a weight of 57 tons each, the exceptional load risked becoming silted up - or worse - during the 20-plus kilometers of the track that separated from the Route National N23 to reach the SP6. We identified the critical point in the bridge over the Ouadi Faidja, made of simple baked bricks. With the help of the dilapidated equipment of our civil Sub Contractor we reconditioned the entire track and with the permission of the local authorities we filled the sides of the bridge over the almost always dry ouadi with material. During the winter, sporadic events caused flash floods – if they had occurred before the turbo compressors arrived, they would have caused a further delay in completing the station. Luckily that year there was snow – yes snow in the Algerian desert!! - immediately after the turbo compressors were transported to the station.

INTERCONNECTION WITH OLD SP6 STATION. Our scope of work included the connection between the new SP6 and the old SP6 station. In practice, the new pipeline had to be interconnected with the old one, because in case of problems the flow of crude oil could be sent to the lines already in operation. I then went to talk to the head of the old SP6, to ask where the pipes of the old oil pipeline that we had to intercept were buried. Omar was an elderly person, he had worked at the station for more than 30 years and he answered me in the most typical way in which Algerians respond when faced with responsibilities:

Where do you find the old ones? Ahh …moi….je ne sais pas……. (where are the old pipes? I don't know)

How come you don't know Omar?

- Moi… à l'époque… quand ils ont enterré 'les tuyaux…. je n'étais pas la'… j'étais en conge' maladie… donc je ne peux pas te say que je suis la'…. ou la…. (I… at the time… when they buried 'the pipes… I wasn't there'… I was sick… …so I can't tell you that pipes are here '…. or there…)

- Et alors qu'est-qu'on fait Si Omar? (so what do we do?)

Maybe ....maybeeeeee ....when my camarade will be here......but he is in vacation ' I think you..... you need to wait for him to return....''

So it may seem incredible to you, but none of the station workers knew the underground location of two 48-inch pipes where hundreds of thousands of oil barrels passed every day. No as-built drawings had been compiled, and waiting was the most practiced activity in Algeria. Eventually Omar's colleague, once he returned to work, was able to indicate to us approximately where the pipes were located.

FRIDAY WITH THE NOMADS. It was Friday, a day of rest, and an Algerian from our SONATRACH client proposed that I go for a tour in the surrounding area. He had noticed the presence of a series of nomadic tents, and he wanted to visit them. About 30 minutes away by off-road vehicle, we found the camp: in all about ten of those brown and black tents that characterize Algerian nomads. A couple of men came out of the tents with rifles slung over their shoulders, but my companion spoke to them, saying that we came in peace. We were introduced into the tent of the Chief, a very elderly man with a hieratic presence. We were offered tea and simple but good-tasting sweets. Naturally, the women could not be seen, while a crowd of children played in the open space in front of the tents. The dialogues took place in the local dialect (darija) and were translated for me by my companion. The Chief did not appear to be unaware of Algeria's current situation, and he asked about Huari Boumedienne, the country's first president after independence from France.

Boumedienne died in 1978 Hassidi…….

Really? Well I'm so sorry, he was a man I respected very much…. We parted with warm handshakes and pats on the back, and the Chief told us to come back and visit him soon.

STARSTROY The Russians didn't give a damn about all the security procedures and the possible presence of terrorists in the area. They lived in Sougueur, a town about 40 km from SP7. They arrived every morning driving the battered Lada NIVAs at full speed in scattered order as if they were racing the Paris-Dakar. They were allowed to do things that we didn't even dream of doing, such as casting the anchor block of the pipes in 5 days, while the specifications said that it had to be a continuous concrete pour without interruptions. We were forced by the Works Management to make an important change to the interconnection with the old SP6 because the Russians completely got the pipeline axis coordinates and its elevation completely wrong.

BILLIARDS There wasn't much to do in my free time, so I got a bit passionate about playing billiards. As a result of playing, I had become good at it, and so I realized that I won the tournament that we had organized between all the members of the Staff, including the Algerians. In the final I beat Mr. Cherif our planner, who was undoubtedly the best of the locals in every sense.

CHERIF Within a couple of years, despite loving his country, he managed to emigrate to Canada where he found work at a large oil & gas company. Having acquired a Canadian passport, he moved to Abu Dhabi in the Emirates, where I met him again in 2013. He had married an Algerian and had a little girl. He worked for ADNOC, the state oil company, and lived in a luxury apartment made available by his employer, right next to the Royal Meridian Hotel. Congratulations Cherif!

WINE AT THE TABLE There was this ''concession'' from Company, namely wine at the table in the evening for dinner. All Italians drank it, and some locals too, especially those originally from Kabylia, a region in the North of Algeria, who consider themselves authentic Algerians and not Arabs. One Friday evening an Algerian from SONATRACH who had sometimes tasted the wine with us, suddenly got up from the table and shouted, saying ''it was time to put an end to this consumption of alcohol, which was a provocation, which was against the principles of Islam, and that we Westerners did it to corrupt the young generations of Algerians faithful to the dictates of religion''. Fortunately we had Monsieur Darcy on our side who didn't waste time, and told him clearly that if he didn't want to drink the wine, he couldn't impose his will on everyone else. The matter was about to degenerate, and the prompt response of the Algerian Head of Mission - a gentleman already advanced in years and endowed with a certain charisma among his fellow countrymen - put an end to the diatribe. The brute was ''kindly'' escorted out and told that if he wanted he could have dinner in his room from the next day. This was an episode that greatly shocked the locals who worked with us. On the one hand they wanted to show that they were modern and open-minded, but then, fearful that radical elements could take over, they were always ready to lower the bar.

[kylekozmikdeluxo]

Kind of a diary entry, I guess...

This month and the previous month have been HELL for me. Work isn't scheduling me enough, in fact my job is starting to suck these days for various reasons, the job search continues to be fruitless, my financial situation is far from stable, and as a result my mental health has taken a serious smack. It's made worse by other issues I'm having at the moment. There are days where I don't feel like myself, and that I'm not fully back on track just yet. A lot of my creative endeavors have taken a hit, too. It's why I'm largely working on a fanfic at the moment, and not my original stuff.

Earlier today, I went to the movies. First time since the first week of January, when I had seen POOR THINGS. Much like most of my movie theater trips, I went alone. I was *literally* alone when seeing GODZILLA MINUS ONE today, because there were like two other people in that theater. I caught the Minus Color edition of the movie. Treated myself to some junk food, at that. Prior to the movie, I saw some of my co-workers, whom I really enjoy seeing. So for about three hours, my mind wasn't wandering to something awful or horrible, nor was it ruminating on things.

It's kind of what I miss about college and work, honestly. Almost every day I had a little something to do to keep my mind busy, and then I would have some time for creative endeavors. Though I will point out... after COVID-19 hit in the U.S., and I had many months without a job and was long done with college? Things kinda RULED?

Despite the emotional hardships and all the terrible things that were going on, being home everyday uncorked so much in me. I came up with so much new stuff, and greatly improved stories and projects I had been working on for YEARS. It's like I found a former, cringier, more rebellious me that I had locked up for unfounded reasons and set that earlier me free.

So, the other part of me is like "No, working/having something to do all the time stifled your creativity and kept you from branching out!" This is where I feel that I have to find the balance. Being home and alone all the time to eventually let bad thoughts stew sucks, but so does having to do something all the time to the point of exhaustion.

Today, I simply got myself ready and went out and saw a movie. Not just an aimless car ride around town, which sometimes end in dissatisfaction. I saw some co-workers. Wasn't much, as I normally try to hit the flicks, and I see these people whenever I have shifts (lol, not much anymore!), but it was like bliss in a way. If I could just have days like that where the "do stuff to keep your mind off of things" and down-time balance is just right, I think life would significantly get better for me...

[profeyandere]

𝐃𝐖𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐒. ─── ☾ 𝐈'𝐌 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔

ʟɪɴᴋꜱ ↪ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ ↪ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏꜰꜰɪᴄᴇ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ ↪ ᴡᴀᴛᴛᴘᴀᴅ

ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏꜱ ↪ ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 2.2ᴋ ↪ ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ᴅᴡɪɢʜᴛ ꜱᴄʜʀᴜᴛᴇ x ꜰᴇᴍ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ↪ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ: ᴍɪɴᴏʀ ꜱᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀꜱ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏꜰꜰɪᴄᴇ (ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ 2)

English is not my native language, so I apologize for any mistake and if you can help me improve it, I will greatly appreciate it. I hope you enjoy it :D

Your gaze was perpetually on the man in front of your desk, intently watching as he was staring almost blankly at his desk as if the most interesting thing in the world was there, and even though Dwight would normally act in a very strange way around you, God knows why, you couldn't help but worry because earlier that morning he had been in an accident with his car when he had gone to pick Michael up from his house after burning his foot.

Speaking of the king of Rome.

Since he had arrived at the office it had been almost a martyrdom for everyone to have to be working under the watchful eye of Michael so that they would pay attention to him and thus appear that he was disabled when he only had a couple of blisters that with proper treatment they would eventually be taken away from him but, having Pam behind him all the time because of his childish way of acting, made the job even more boring for you and Jim as you usually spent part of your breaks with her although you had heard from the receptionist how it seemed that Dwight had become more calm and friendly by offering to do certain things that he usually wouldn't do.

"Yeah, baby! I am feeling better," Michael spoke, leaving his office on one leg with two crutches that helped him hold on correctly, "my body's literally healing himself. It's amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain," he commented, trying to look superior or exaggerate his situation even more. "Oh, I finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins."

Suddenly, a thud made everyone turn their eyes towards Dwight, who had his head resting on the side of the desk, so you and Jim suddenly got up from your seats to be able to put him upright.

"Okay, I think we need to take him to the hospital," Jim murmured, "I'm pretty sure he has a concussion."

"Oh, now you feel some compassion for him," Michael complained as he saw everyone's concern in someone who wasn't him.

"He's got a concussion. Do you think we're not going to worry about him?" You asked, almost surprised by the stupidity he had just said. "Also, you should take him. You're his emergency contact number."

"And why don't you go? You're his girlfriend," your boss said, making you sigh.

As much as it hurts you, and even though you had been together for more than three years, Dwight had kept some aspects of his life away from you, such as working on the farm, going to the doctor or going to Christmas parties and, even though it bothered you many times, you knew you couldn't do anything to change it.

He didn't want to burden you with farm work, getting up at dawn to milk a goat? He did it. Collect the eggs from the chickens? That's what he and Mose were for; you didn't have to get involved in those matters. He didn't want to burden you with something that I didn't suppose interested you at all.

The Christmas parties were another matter because the whole Schrute family would gather at the farm to celebrate their traditions and if he took you, it was more than clear that in a very short time, they would want to make you Mrs Dwight. They would want a wedding as soon as possible and he didn't want to submit to the pressure of being married to him.

Finally, the doctors. It is not that he went to the consultation many times, even sometimes he avoided the annual ones, but since he did not want to worry you if something was wrong with him, so he didn't tell you anything about his check-ups or consultations when he had to go, hence Michael was his emergency contact and not you.

Of course, he hadn't told you all this, and you couldn't imagine it either, you just thought that maybe it was too soon or that maybe he wasn't at the same level of the relationship as you.

He did everything for you, he already knew your parents and all your medical history, you just didn't understand why you couldn't know anything about him.

"I want Michael to take me, please?" Dwight asked, looking desperately at his boss.

"I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is with the vomity," the man excused himself.

Meredith kindly offered her van and, at request, you asked Jim to take the three of you to the hospital since if you went alone with those two men you might have an accident on the way.

Michael was too childish, he would want to ride in the passenger seat no matter what, and Dwight with his shock was quite clear that it would be like taking care of a small child.

Jim very kindly agreed to help you get to the hospital.

"Come on, Dwight, we're leaving," you murmured once Halpert had led him to the sofa in the office, gently taking his arm before slowly lifting him so he wouldn't get dizzy.

"It smells like chicken soup," Dwight whispered as he walked past you toward the office door. "I have to go to the hospital."

"Here we go, honey," you said as you crossed the threshold. "We'll just go away for a bit and in no time we'll be back in the office together and everything will be back to normal, okay?"

"But I'll be back," he murmured looking at you, to which you smiled sweetly at him.

"Yes, but it won't be the same without you," you affirmed, seeing how he separated a little with a slight frown. "This office only has its spark if you are in it, you are the light that illuminates it every day."

"Oh, sweetheart, you're adorable," he murmured fondly as he gently touched the tip of your nose.

You quickly kissed his lips, barely a touch, before making your way to the elevator where Michael and Jim were waiting for you.

You, somewhat reluctantly and with Jim's help, kept Dwight on his feet in the elevator and then carried him to the parking lot where all the office staff cars were, seeing Meredith's van right out of the building, so it didn't take too long to get to the car and get Dwight into one of the back seats.

Lucky that you had asked Jim to go with you, to drive more specifically, because Michael didn't care about your partner's situation when he said "shotgun!" to be the co-driver and got in the front seat. You had no problem going in the back with Dwight, but you knew very well that he would listen to Michael more than you.

Although, to your surprise, it was not.

He was pretty quiet while you were next to him, to the point where he stayed up having a conversation with you that didn't even make sense, but he was hugely entertaining.

Goofing off with a "sick" Dwight was too much fun.

"I do it well? I'm behaving well?" he asked as he rested his chin on your shoulder, staring at you.

"You're behaving wonderfully, honey," you replied with a small smile as you turned your head so you could look him in the eye. "You're the best."

"No, you," he denied giggling, stealing a kiss, listening to Michael's complaints in the background. "Why does he make that noise?"

"Because he's jealous that you have a girlfriend," you answered, placing your right hand on his neck, giving him soft caresses that made him turn his attention to you.

It wasn't to throw you flowers, far from it, but Dwight couldn't ask for a better girlfriend than you.

Although the trip was calm, your concern persisted even in the clinic, more specifically in the emergency room, because Schrute stopped looking at you the moment he stepped into the waiting room to start looking in different directions for no apparent reason as if he were gone from the real world, while Michael spoke to him sometimes, Jim tried to keep him awake by pouring a little water on his face and you were in charge of filling out the form that they had offered you once the four of you had entered together.

Little did you know what happened once you had turned in the form and Michael, being Dwight's emergency contact, allowed him to go in to do the first check and find out how serious the blow had been while you stayed in the waiting room with Jim, who watched you carefully while your leg bounced over and over again because of the nerves you were going through and not being able to be there for him.

Your anxiety increased by the minute and it didn't help that you had to wait outside.

"You know he's going to be fine, right?" Jim questioned placing his hand on your knee to try to calm you down.

"Neither you nor I know, he hit his head very hard, I should have noticed it before," you murmured, biting your lower lip later.

"You didn't know, (Y/N), it's not your fault," your partner calmed you down. "You don't have to keep an eye on him all day, he probably didn't want to worry you."

"He never lets me help out on his farm, I haven't met his family yet except for Mose, and he never lets me know about the doctors," you commented. "I'm not saying that he must tell me everything about his life, but I feel like he's not on the same page as me. For God's sake, he has Michael as his emergency contact instead of me."

Jim, seeing you as bad as you seemed to be, didn't know exactly what to say, but the fact that Michael showed up half an hour later in the waiting room with his two crutches made you even more upset with the fear that something might happen to Dwight or that whatever was on his mind that had made him feel so bad was something much worse than it could have been in the first place.

"It's fine? Is something wrong?" You asked quickly, being followed by Jim once he saw you get up from your seat and take several steps towards your boss.

"They'll just do a cat scan," Michael spoke, taking a seat in the chair next to yours.

"And you won't be there with him?" You questioned a little more upset, it could be said that even pissed off.

"I can't go in with him if he wants you to go."

You glanced at Jim momentarily before running to the door Michael had exited earlier, only to find one of the many nurses standing in a section of the hallway next to Dwight, who was sitting in a wheelchair to not fall to the floor as long as he couldn't stand up from the shock.

Dwight looked at you with a small smile that widened by the moment as he watched you walk towards him, listening in the background to the nurse who accompanied him saying that you couldn't wear any kind of metal object while they were going to do the tests, so you looked to the camera crew while removing the various devices that were hooked to your clothing to pick up your voice and handing them back, later entering the room with Dwight where they would test him.

The nurse, with the help of a second worker, placed Schrute on the stretcher that had the machine, leaving the two of you alone once they were going to prepare the hulk for the test.

"How come you changed your mind so quickly?" You asked looking at him, smiling slightly in his direction. "Had Michael refused to go in with you?"

"I needed you," he murmured, "you're my emergency contact after all and you're my girlfriend."

Suddenly you felt your heart pumping hard and fast, while your cheeks gradually turned red until you almost looked like a small tomato.

With that statement all doubt you had regarding the relationship you had suddenly disappeared.

"Well, here I am and in no time we'll be back home, you'll see," you encouraged him by holding his hand once you heard the nurse say through the loudspeakers that they were going to start. "Everything will be fine, Dwight."

"I know, I'm with you."

The man's hand came up slightly to take yours, allowing him to hold it so that he would be calmer and relaxed, and although he couldn't see it, you had a bright smile that showed how you were the happiest woman in the whole world.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

HOTD Episode 4 Review/Analysis (Spoilers)

Finally got around to writing this review, I had a few issues with my computer crashing and having to rewrite parts that didn’t save but I have finally got it done. This was another drama filled episode, I do think it was HOTD’s most scandalous episode and it definitely had its spicy moments. But I also think it had interesting and important commentary on marriage, the roles within a marriage and intimacy and how it differs between men and women in their world. This episode revolved alot around the relationships and dynamics within the show so that is how I am going to split this review/analysis. Obviously there are spoilers, also I want to say that these are just my own interpretations and opinions, I am aware that this episode was controversial to some and that not everyone will agree with me. Also this did get a little long, there was just so much to talk about in this episode so please forgive me for that. With that said lets jump in. 

Viserys and Daemon

So first I want to talk about Daemon and Viserys. Throughout the series we have seen these two have disagreements. And they have been estranged from each other since episode 1 when Viserys sent Daemon into exile. But we have also seen them show love towards each other and defend each other. When Daemon shows back up at court the atmosphere is understandably tense. No one really knows what Daemon is going to do and he has just rocked up in a crown. I do love that scene when he confidently walks down the throne room and right up to the blade of the King’s guard, dropping the crab feeders’ hammer at their feet. It was just so Daemon. Daemon I think surprises alot of people when he decides to give up his crown to Viserys and publicly bend the knee to him. For me this just showed that Daemon really does not want the crown and that it is his brother’s approval and recognition he wants. In this moment that is exactly what he gets. It must have been a pretty glorious moment for Daemon. I thought it was absolutely adorable the way Daemon dropped his head to rest on Viserys’ shoulder in that scene. I also think the scene where everyone is in the godswood showed how happy the two brothers were to be back together again, you can see that they are both just revelling in each other’s company. 

Of course with how wholesome it was in the beginning we all knew it had to fall apart at some point in this episode. I think when Otto brought him the news about Rhaenyra and Daemon in the brothel Viserys very much went into denial mode. I think a huge part of this was because of how happy he was to have his brother back, he really thought Daemon had changed and grown and I think he is disappointed that things were falling apart between them again. Obviously I also think he was very angry that Daemon had supposedly ruined his daughter and when Daemon asks for Rhaenyra’s hand he just automatically assumes that it must be the Iron Throne Daemon wants. I do think that the scene in the throne room is very similar to the one in episode 1 when Daemon gets exiled for the first time. In both situations Otto has gone to the king with this damning and shocking accusation. In both instance Daemon does not deny the allegations and it leads to his brother becoming so angry that he sends Daemon back to the Vale. The difference this time is we know that Daemon isn’t being entirely truthful about ruining Rhaenyra which only makes me think more than ever that the whole ‘Heir for a Day’ thing wasn’t all it seemed. With how wholesome it was between the two brothers at the start it made the ending where it all falls apart all the more sad.  

Alicent and Rhaenyra

There were alot of parallels drawn between Alicent and Rhaenyra this episode which I thought was interesting. It does seem like their relationship has improved greatly from the episode before. They appear to have healed the breach between them and they have a really sweet scene in the Gods wood where after Rhaenyra, somewhat carelessly, says that it wasn’t romantic to be locked in a castle and forced to squeeze out heirs, before realising that is Alicent’s life now, she comforts Alicent who shares that she is feeling less like her own person and more like this persona of the dutiful queen. They both confess how much they missed each other which again very wholesome. However I did feel very sorry for Alicent in this episode. There was that moment when Viserys is cold with Rhaenyra and Alicent tried to break the tension by suggesting that Daemon might like to see the tapestries. Alicent was very much embarrassed in this scene but I did like that Rhaenyra did try to stand up for Alicent and make it better for her by saying she wanted to see them.  

As I said above there were quite a few parallels and contrasts between these two characters this episode. They are very much showing Alicent as the dutiful and obedient wife and Rhaenyra being the free spirit who plays by her own rules. A great example of them showing that contrast is when you see a very stressed Alicent rocking a wailing baby whilst looking wistfully out the window. This scene transitions into the one where Rhaenyra receives the disguise and note from Daemon and sneaks out. Both of these women feel trapped by the roles they are expected to perform in their society but both deal with them in very different ways. Alicent soldiers on and does her duty but Rhaenyra fights against those boundaries and tries to break free of the expectations put upon her. 

I feel like Alicent is beginning to feel very suffocated and weighed down by her duties, she has to take care of her husband who is slowing falling apart, she is trying to take care of her children, she is trapped in the Red Keep and is expected to keep churning out new heirs every few years. But she sees it as her duty to do this and so she approaches it all with a very resigned attitude. 

I think the scene where Alicent confronts Rhaenyra about her night with Daemon is interesting. Alicent is clearly very angry and upset but I do think alot of this anger comes from concern for her friend. She knows what the consequences of the rumours about Rhaenyra and Daemon spreading are. Rhaenyra would be ruined and it would become nearly impossible to make a match for her. I think some of it is jealousy and frustration on Alicent’s part as well. She never got a choice in her marriage to the King. Her father commanded her to go to the King’s chambers and when he said he was going to marry her well its not like she could say no to the King. Then she sees Rhaenyra who has been given the opportunity to pick her own match but Rhaenyra seems to be wasting it away by acting out and risking her reputation on Daemon. I think Alicent genuinely doesn’t want to see her friend ruined I mean what friend would? 

I think Rhaenyra telling this half lie about Daemon not touching her and her remaining a maiden is going to cause problems for them later though. I can almost guarantee that at some point Alicent is going to learn that Rhaenyra slept with Criston Cole. I also think this is going to leave Alicent feeling betrayed by Rhaenyra and very mistrustful of her and this will turn into resentment. I do think Alicent has a bit of a warped perception of Rhaenyra. She sees her as naive and having been corrupted by Daemon, she doesn’t want to believe that Rhaenyra would be deceptive towards her which is why she tells Viserys that its not in Rhaenyra’s nature to be deceitful. However Viserys knows his daughter, knows that like Daemon she has the blood of the dragon and that she is far from innocent. We also see throughout the episode that Rhaenyra can be deceptive. She was being deceptive when she snuck out of the red keep in a disguise. But I do think it is going to be a difficult pill for Alicent to swallow when she realises Rhaenyra’s true character and just how much like Daemon she really is. 

Rhaenyra and Daemon

Oh boy do these two have me feeling conflicted. I know its a controversial subject and alot of people seem to have very strong opinions on whether it is acceptable to ship Daemon and Rhaenyra together. Personally I think the actors have such amazing chemistry and the relationship dynamics between the two characters are really complex and interesting. It doesn’t help that alot of their scenes are filmed to seem really romantic, like they were running through the streets giggling and holding hands. In a way it makes you feel like you should be rooting for them. Then I remember that they are uncle and niece and its like ooh yikes. But I also get that they are Targaryens and they see it differently. I think this couple and family are a very good commentary on nature vs nurture. What makes something right or wrong? Is it something we just know or is it taught? There’s the idea of it being instinct, that when something is wrong we instinctively know it, we know its wrong to kill for example, that’s the nature part of it. But then there’s the nurture side. Some things are wrong because as a society you decide they are wrong. You are taught that its wrong and you are brought up believing it is wrong. For the Targaryens they are taught and brought up to believe that not only is it right to wed and bed family members but that it is preferred over wedding an outsider who might taint the bloodline. What seems unnatural to us is the most natural thing in the world to them. I think in their case the nurture part takes over the nature part if that makes sense. The couple is very problematic there is no denying that, and its definitely a relationship that some are going to be uncomfortable with but I can’t deny that I do like their scenes together, I also find it really weird that they are related. Also I recognise that it is a fictional relationship. I would hope most people watching know how to separate fiction from reality. My opinion on it is so long as you are not watching it/ shipping it and then going hmm might go do my uncle/niece now, its all good, ship away. 

I think it is interesting that we open on Rhaenyra being presented with candidates for a suitor and they focus on showing her playing with the necklace that Daemon gave her. The other time we saw her playing with the necklace like this was at the tourney when she was watching Daemon which suggests she plays with it when she is thinking about Daemon. Its telling that when looking for her match she is thinking about Daemon. She leaves there without having found a satisfactory match, on the way back Daemon and Caraxes fly too close to their ship but despite everyone else's worry Rhaenyra looks happy and excited to see that he is back. There is alot of anticipation in the air when she gets to the throne room and she deliberately positions herself nearest the door so that she can see him and be close to him when he enters. When Daemon walks down the room you see Rhaenyra walking parallel and in tandem with him, this gives the image of them being a pair, a team and equals. I think for Rhaenyra its a case of now that she has laid eyes on him for the the  first time in years she cannot look away, she follows him to be as close as possible to him. There’s not just anticipation in her anymore there’s a desperation too. I think its obvious that she really did miss him alot and there seems to be a sense of relief from both of them that they are together again. 

When they are in the Gods Wood together Rhaenyra remarks that Daemon seems changed, matured. I actually think it is something other than maturity though. I think the war in the step stones did change him but that he is more withdrawn and distant, I think it left him feeling somewhat numb. I also noticed on a rewatch that he has a scar on his chest from where one of the arrows hit him, but I also think he was left with some mental scars too. I think in this episode he is swinging wildly between not feeling anything at all and feeling too much all at once. 

When he replies that she has matured too in the last four years I think it pleases her, she is happy that he sees her as a woman, someone who could be desired. And I do think he desires her. We see him watching her and he has a very warm and soft look on his face and again it is clear that he missed her and his family. You have that moment where he is under the Weir wood tree and he’s just taking in the feel of the sun and the sound of the leaves and its clear that he missed home too. When Rhaenyra approaches him and asks about why he is back and what he wants he reaches out and touches the necklace. I think the message here is clear. He came back for her and what he wants is her. But the necklace doesn’t just represent the bond between Daemon and Rhaenyra it is also symbolic of the Targaryen family and their traditions, something we know is important to both Daemon and Rhaenyra, I don’t think its just her he came back for or just her he wants, he wants his family to be whole again, I also think he wants a family with her.  

I’ve already talked about what I think Daemon’s motives were in this episode in another post, which you can read here if you like. To save repeating myself I’m not going to go too much into that in this post but I will say that on a rewatch I did notice a few other details and signs that I think can tell us about what was driving Daemon in this episode. I think the conversation Daemon and Rhaenyra have in the Gods wood is very telling and could be a clue to what Daemon is thinking. Their entire conversation is about marriage and how each perceives it. For Daemon his own marriage to the lady of the vale is nothing more than a political arrangement and that he can do whatever he wants. But it is clear from the way he’s talked about his marriage previously that he has alot of anger and resentment that it was not a wife of his choosing and that he feels tied down and held back by his marriage to her. Rhaenyra on the the other hand sees marriage as  a death sentence. She has seen the effect marriage has had not only on her mother but on Alicent. She has alot of fear around being intimate and having a child. Of becoming trapped. I think when she talks about how her mother was made to have heirs until she died Daemon had a lot of sympathy for her. He understands how much pain her mother’s death caused her and I think he understands why she is afraid of marriage now. I did like what Daemon said about you can’t live in fear or you’ll forsake the best parts of life. I think it was very good advice and very true. When Rhaenyra replies that she wishes to live in solitude and Daemon says what a lonely concept I do think he was thinking back to how lonely he has felt being away from his family for so long. He doesn’t want that life for Rhaenyra, he doesn’t want her fear to lead to her living a lonely life.

I do think this conversation they had about marriage is a foreshadowing of what Daemon’s motives are, I also think this is the first indication we get that Daemon is considering marriage to Rhaenyra. This conversation is what lead Daemon to decide to take Rhaenyra into the city. Maybe it was just me but that scene where she is putting on a disguise of a common born and sneaking out of the castle did give me princess jasmine from Aladdin vibes. You can see that they are both very excited about the adventure but I also think Daemon had some motives of his own and that he was being a little sneaky here. Just like how the suitors were giving Rhaenyra their pitches on why she should choose them to marry, this entire evening is basically Daemon’s pitch to Rhaenyra on why she should marry him.

 Him taking her to the play I think was partly to help give her some vital information, to show her what she was up against. It reminded me alot of the conversation between Rhaenyra and Rhaenys where Rhaenys warns Rhaenyra of the fight she is going to be faced with. But I think Daemon wants to send her another more subtle message here. The street performance presents a scenario where it is Daemon vs Rhaenyra vs Aegon all vying for the throne. I think he wants her to see that if they were to marry then it would be Rhaenyra and Daemon vs Aegon. That they could be a team and stand strong together. Also this could be to her advantage as Daemon seems to know the city and the small folk well. I could be wrong but I think he is known as the City’s Prince which suggests that he has a strong relationship with the small folk. This could be advantageous to Rhaenyra if they wed as the people approve of Daemon so they will be more accepting of Rhaenyra by extension. He wants her to see the advantage of marrying him here. Its point one, marrying me will help you get the support of the people and you’ll have an ally against Aegon’s claim. Two heirs standing together is better than one heir on their own. 

Another thing Rhaenyra is worried about is being trapped inside a castle. We know from previous episodes that she has a desire to explore the world, to see new things and go on adventures. I think she feels like if she gets married she’ll never get the chance to do that. When he is taking her through the streets and we see her run from the seller as daemon chases her, you can see that she finds it exhilarating and liberating, she even says to him that she doesn’t know when she’ll get to be free again. He is showing her a whole new world, shining, shimmering, splendid and ok going to stop with the Aladdin comparisons now. But she is being shown things she’s never seen before. This is point two. If you marry me you won’t be trapped inside castle walls, we can go on adventures together and be free.

There’s even a reason why he takes her to the brothel. He knows she fears intimacy and here he is showing her that intimacy can be enjoyed, that it doesn’t have to be a duty or chore to bring about heirs. Its point three, if you marry me we can enjoy this pleasure of intimacy together. But here’s where I think his plan goes a bit wrong. The brothel scene starts with showing us Daemon sitting and contemplating. He looks like he is trying to make a decision and eventually makes up his mind and gets up. This scene transitions into the one of Viserys and Alicent in the marital bed together performing their marital duties. I think there was more to this imagery than just showing the difference between how much things suck for Alicent and how for her it is just a duty and Rhaenyra and Daemon enjoying themselves and both participating. We know that Daemon is reckless and impulsive and I think in this moment his fear takes over and he begins to worry that Viserys will still refuse to give him Rhaenyra's hand. So he makes the impulsive decision to ruin her, he takes off their disguises so that they are guaranteed to be seen, the two scenes overlapping also shows what society considers correct, a couple in the marriage bed trying to produce heirs and what society considers wrong, a couple enjoying the pleasures of intimacy outside of marriage. Daemon knows that what he is doing will cause Rhaenyra to become undesirable to other suitors and that Viserys would then have no choice to wed Rhaenyra to him.  

There are some intriguing details in the brothel scene though. I learnt that Valyrian wedding ceremonies have three rituals in them, placing blood on the forehead, cutting the bottom lip down the centre with dragon’s glass and cutting hand sand entwining them together. I think we some symbolism of these rituals throughout the brothel scene. On multiple occasions we see Daemon rest his forehead on hers which I think is suppose to parallel the wedding ritual of putting blood on the forehead. Another example is the shot of their hands joining on the wall that we saw in the promo which I think is symbolic of the blood and entwined hands. The most obvious one though is the shot of Daemon running his thumb down her bottom lip in the exact spot the dragon’s glass would cut during a wedding ceremony. I can’t help but think that in that moment Daemon was imaging their wedding ceremony, playing that whole thing out in his head. 

Things get heated between them very quickly and it begins to move fast. But then Daemon gets cold feet. I do think that he becomes overwhelmed with guilt and his feelings towards her. He realises how wrong what he is doing is. I think he has this moment of realisation that he is about to take her against a brothel wall and he would rather their first time be on their wedding night. You can see that he is really battling with his decision here, he doesn’t walk away right way. You see with leaning back in like he is drawn to her like a magnet but then pulling away when she tries to kiss him. Eventually he tears himself away and leaves in anger. I think his anger is directed at himself though, he’s angry that he couldn’t go through with it. 

For Rhaenyra this is like a cold bucket of water being chucked over her, she has no idea what is going on. She has had a very adventurous night and at this point is very much on cloud nine. She also just experienced alot of firsts, its her first time in the city, her first time in a brothel, her first time being kissed, her first time being touched. Then suddenly its over and she can tell Daemon is angry. She must be very confused and anxious and I think felt rejected and as if she had done something wrong. Which is why when she returns she latches onto the first guy she comes across, Criston. 

I also think it says alot that after leaving Rhaenyra Daemon just drowns himself in drink. He clearly was trying to do anything he could to escape his feelings and the situation as a result he’s a complete wreck when he returns to the castle. I love that despite being hungover and his plan falling apart Daemon still asks for Rhaenyra's hand. He still makes it plain that it is Rhaenyra that he wants. I think he is trying to salvage what he can from his plan here. He knows at this point he hasn’t really got anything to lose. 

Unlike Daemon who doesn’t deny it Rhaenyra most definitely does deny everything to Alicent in the Gods wood. When I first saw the promo I was sure the accusation was going to be something else because of how upset Rhaenyra looked, I mean she looked devastated. But having seen the episode I think I get why she was so devastated. Rhaenyra at first starts out quite flippant and like it was nothing at all, just them having some fun outside of the red keep and catching up after not seeing each other for years. Its not until Alicent specifically tells her what the accusation is that she begins to tear up and looks devastated and I think the reason why is because it brought her back to that moment Daemon rejected her, that embarrassment and hurt is just overwhelming her. I think because of the speed that everything happened the night before, the rejection and then her taking the tension out with Cole, she hasn’t really had time to process it all. But in this moment it all kind of hits her at once. I think she is more crying because it isn’t true. She also looks really hurt when she talks about Daemon abandoning her for some whore. She hates the idea that he found someone else to help find a release from the tension despite having done exactly that herself. 

Rhaenyra and Criston

I can’t lie I thought it was so funny how confused Criston was when Rhaenyra returned. That poor guy had been standing at that door for hours guarding an empty room. I do feel like Rhaenyra very much used Criston in this scene. I think she was left feeling very rejected  and undesirable by Daemon, not to mention very worked up. I do think Rhaenyra finds Criston attractive and that she has a bond of trust with him, she wanted to feel desired to have a balm for that sting of rejection and Criston was there. I did notice though that the game she plays with him of taking his helmet and teasing him by keeping it just out of reach is a behaviour she learnt from Daemon. We see it for the first time in ep 1 when he shows her the necklace. It is something she wants and he dangles it in front of her just in her reach but then snatches it away before putting it on her himself. We see it again with the dragon egg on the walkway. He is holding it throughout their whole conversation and then when he turns away he takes the egg with him before turning and tossing it back to her, again he makes her think he’s not going to give it to her but eventually he does. I think its a similar situation in the brothel when Daemon kept coming close then pulling back when Rhaenyra went to kiss him, to take what she wanted, I think she very much interpreted it as him playing this game with her again like he had in the past. She plays this same game with Criston and I think its because she believes this is what you do when you desire someone. She desired Daemon and this is how they played so it makes sense that she is taking that and implementing it here.

The thing with this scene is I do think Criston does have genuine feelings for Rhaenyra and its lit and shot like its a very loving and romantic scene but I feel like whilst she is attracted to him lets be real if Daemon had showed up at that point and asked her to run off with him she would have dropped Criston like a hot rock. It very much felt to me like she was using him to take her mind off of what happened with Daemon. But the issue here is that this situation is potentially dangerous for Criston as he is breaking an oath and taking the Princess’ maidenhead, if found out then this is punishable by death. There’s alot more at stake for Criston than there is for Rhaenyra. You can see that he is very hesitant and unsure, his oath means something to him but ultimately his feelings for her win the battle. 

Power Dynamics and Consequences.      

In the episode we see three scenes of couples having intimate moments, Rhaenyra and Daemon, Viserys and Alicent and Rhaenyra and Criston. I saw someone say that they thought the two scenes between Rhaenyra and Daemon and her and Criston were presented as Lust and Love. I can kind of see where they are coming from in that regard, I would also add that the third scene between Viserys and Alicent was representative of duty. The scene between Viserys and Alicent seemed very detached and clinical, it had the vibe of we’ve got a job to get done a duty to perform and less about connecting with the other person. Then you have Daemon and Rhaenyra and the very setting screams lust, I mean they are in a brothel, they are both shown to be hungry for each other and it gets heated quickly, the scene is all about want and passion. Finally you have Rhaenyra and Criston were they are in a candle lit room and they have the slow undressing scene and they are laughing and giggling together and it comes over as being very loving. Here’s the thing though I do think this is only true on the surface. I think each of the scenes are alot more complicated and nuanced than that, especially when it comes to the power dynamics and consequences of each of the scenes. 

For example the scene between Alicent and Viserys, it would seem Viserys as King has all the power here, as King he can call her to his bed and she can’t really say no, so in this aspect there is an imbalance in power in this scene. But when you look deeper you realise that Viserys himself is also a slave to duty here as is Alicent. The true power lies outside of them both, it lies with Otto who manipulated them into this marriage in the first place and it lies with the realm and the expectation that as King and Queen they have to provide the realm with as many heirs as possible to give the realm stability. It also seems like this scene is cold and devoid of any feelings, but there is a small moment where Viserys takes Alicent’s hand and turns her face to him, I think you can hear him whisper are you alright as well but I am not hundred percent sure as Daemon is also doing a voice over at the same moment. This tells me that Viserys is attempting to make a connection with her here and she smiles back also attempting to make that connection, there is some feelings of care for each other there, but ultimately I think they both struggle with the physical intimacy of their relationship and neither one of them enjoys. Alicent’s way of dealing with it is very much just to check out and wait for it to be over. Which is understandable because this situation is worse for her due to the fact that the consequences and risks to her are higher. Once the duty is done Viserys can go about his day. Alicent has to go through another pregnancy, hope that everything with the birth goes well and then that the child survives. What I do think is interesting though is that in the scene right before she is called to him we see Alicent making some tea and to me it looks very similar to the moon tea that is brought to Rhaenyra. If this is moon tea then it throws some of the power back to Alicent. She is taking some of the control over her body back, she will decide whether she will go through another pregnancy or not. The only issue here is that I very much doubt that the maesters are brewing it for her and it is much more likely that if it is moon tea she is getting it in secret. The maester tells Rhaenyra that if not brewed properly it can be ineffective or have bad side effects so there is still a risk to Alicent and she is still effectively trapped in a way the King is not. 

With Daemon and Rhaenyra it again would seem like Daemon is the one with the power here. We know that he is being manipulative by removing the disguises so that they will be recognised, he also has experience with intimacy that Rhaenyra does not. He knows exactly what he is doing whereas she is learning and experiencing everything for the first time. Yet as the scene goes on you see that power dynamic change, it becomes more equal with Rhaenyra choosing to actively participate and take the lead, take control from Daemon which leaves him vulnerable. It would also seem like it is driven purely on lust but again there are moments that are very soft, loving and tender sprinkled throughout, they both take the time to explore the other and they have moments where they are looking into each others eyes. But once again the consequences for the two of them are very different although in this case I would say that the consequences are equally bad. For Rhaenyra it means ruin, it means no lord will wed her, which will damage her claim to the throne, she won’t be able to produce heirs. I talked above about how upset Rhaenyra was when talking to Alicent in the Gods Wood and how it was because she was hurt by Daemon’s rejection but I also think part of the reason why she was so upset was because she was beginning to realise the consequences of her actions, this causes a kind of panic, got to lie to fix this situation kind of desperation within her to the point where she is even swearing on her mother’s memory, poor Aemma must be turning in her grave. But she is also right in saying that this is a consequence only she as a woman faces. Daemon can visit as many brothels as he likes and lay with as many women as he likes and he will not face the same consequences that Rhaenyra would. More value is put on her virtue. Ultimately the consequences for her though is that she ends up being forced into a marriage she doesn’t want. But that’s not to say that Daemon doesn’t face any consequences either. He is faced with once again being exiled and forced back to his arranged marriage and being estranged from his family.  

Which brings us to Rhaenyra and Criston. On the surface this one seems really romantic and loving but when you look deeper its actually a troubling situation. In this scenario you would think that being the more experienced lover Criston would be the one more in control but the power dynamic is more in Rhaenyra’s advantage. I think its a similar dynamic as Alicent and the King, Criston can’t really say no. On top of that there is the whole he is breaking his oath issue. He swore an oath of celibacy yet here he is breaking it. I do think it is interesting that Daemon is seen as a scoundrel with no limit and Criston as the noble knight yet when they were faced with the same choice, whether or not to take the princesses maidenhead Daemon restrains himself but Criston does bed her. But I also think it shows that power dynamic, Daemon and Rhaenyra are on equal footing but Criston is not. The situation is made worse because of the vastly different consequences Criston faces for his actions compared to Rhaenyra. Unlike with Daemon in the brothel what happens between her and Criston is behind closed doors, as a result in less on or the other tells someone else it may never be discovered, so Rhaenyra faces no consequences to bedding Criston. The one consequence she may have faced, falling with child, is solved by the maester bringing her the moon tea. However this isn’t the same for Criston, outside of if its discovered he could be killed, he now has to live with the fact that he broke his oath. There is a stark contrast between the two’s demeanours the next day. You can see that Rhaenyra is all smiles and is happy and carefree whereas Criston is troubled and is struggling to meet Rhaenyra’s eyes. I think he clearly has alot of guilt and regret over what he did. It reminds me alot of the situation with Mysaria and Daemon in ep 2 where she points out he as a prince can afford to play games with the King but she as someone low born cannot. It’s the same with Rhaenyra and Criston. As a princess she’ll get told off, he could be killed, he can’t afford to take the same risks as her. I do wonder if he will ever find out about her and Daemon and what the fall out from that will be. The same with I wonder if Daemon will ever find out about Criston and what the fall out of that will be. 

Otto and Viserys 

I find it somewhat hilarious and very ironic that the one time Otto isn’t really scheming and is actually telling the truth he gets fired. I do think it is interesting though that Viserys has began to see through Otto and take note of his manipulations. I do think this was probably triggered by Otto proposing that Rhaenyra be married Aegon. Viserys recognised that Otto only suggested it because Aegon was his own blood. I did like the conversation between them in the Small Council Chamber as Viserys recognises that Otto has done alot for him but that it has got to the point where Otto is putting his own goals and ambitions above those of the crown and realm. At first when Viserys was talking about how Otto became the hand because his otherwise healthy father died within 5 days of being named the hand of a burst stomach I thought Viserys was suggesting that Otto had something to do with Viserys’ father’s death. I mean we are in the game of thrones universe so it  is possible but I actually think Viserys was just reflecting on how quickly things can change drastically. He wonders when exactly Otto began to put himself and his family above that of the crowns. I am glad that he came to recognise that Otto manipulated his daughter into visiting him with the goal of Viserys marrying her and making her Queen. I just hope that Viserys doesn’t come to resent Alicent for her father’s actions. I am a little worried about what Otto is going to do next though. I very much doubt that he’s just going to stop his schemes and fade into the background I think he’ll find a way of still pulling the strings. One thing that I hope doesn’t happen but suspect it might is that Otto is one of the few people aware that the King’s health isn’t the best, I mean the guy is literally falling to pieces, we saw in this episode that he has even more lacerations. I hope that Otto doesn’t start to spread the news around that the King is unwell and dying. I feel like that may cause some issues if he does. 

I cant deny that I did get a kind of joy out of seeing Viserys take the hand pin away from Otto, I don’t think Otto saw this coming at all. I do think he is going to continue using his daughter though to get information on the King. 

Wrapping it up

I think this episode was the best so far in terms of the scandal and the relationships and characters evolving and changing. I think last episode was the best when it came to action. But once again I was left really looking forward to the next episode and seeing what is going to happen. I will post a prediction post of ep 5 in the near future. But that’s all for now so until next week. 

[spectaclespencer]

P.H. // Part 1; Alone

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

A/N; Here’s the first chapter! Let me know what you think <3 this is based off of this request I got. Any and all feedback is appreciated. Please know I know this theme/part has little to nothing to do with the actual meaning of the song, but some lines work if you ignore the rest 😅

Summary; After Gideon leaves, Reader takes up chess to comfort Spencer through the difficult time.

Category; Fluff, Angst(?), Hurt/Comfort

Content Warnings; Sad Spencer otherwise none!

Word Count; 3.5k

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It started when I found Spencer one morning. He had fallen asleep on a chair at the bau, and he explained to me that he’d been waiting for Gideon because he promised to play chess with Spencer that night.

“Is Hotch in yet?”

“No, he will be soon. We have a case, JJ is gonna brief us and we leave in 30.”

He thanked me and left the room, with his head down. He kept the same mood during the briefing, he kept drifting off as JJ was talking. Spencer was known to be stuck in his head often, but this was far more unusual behaviour. I figured maybe he slept wrong, or maybe just was simply looking forward to playing chess with Gideon. That was their usual routine, to have a game or two after cases to relax. It was understandable to see him on edge after not hearing from him all night.

As we got on the jet he didn’t sit with me on the couch right away as he usually did, instead he walked over to Hotch in the back corner. I craned my neck to try and see what he was doing and hear what he was saying. He spoke in soft whispers, seemingly asking questions I assumed were about Gideon’s presence. I saw Hotch shake his head, to which Spencer’s expression dropped. He thanked him, then made his way over to the couch beside me.

“You okay?” I asked.

He gave me a quick nod -- yet didn’t meet my eyes -- then curled up at the end of the couch to presumably take a nap before we landed.

We were all worried about Gideon, none of us had heard from him since the last case. We figured he just needed a break from the chaos; having a loved one die would take a toll on any of us. It was logical really, any one of the team would need time to recover when presented with that situation.

Spencer remained more quiet throughout the case, not engaging in conversation when it wasn’t crucial to the work. We ended up sharing rooms but even then he didn’t budge. He mostly sat in the corner and played chess against himself, often zoning out and staring at the wall. It was hard to see, and even harder to sit back and let him try to get through it. I could tell he was fighting himself in his head, probably going over scenarios on Gideon’s whereabouts. I imagine the stress was affecting him heavily -- or at least it was clear with the way his forehead had been creased all night.

Chess. Nobody on the team had a fair shot at him besides Gideon. Sitting there staring at the pieces probably wasn’t doing him too good, only making him worry more.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care because I did, but when it comes to certain things Spencer can be defensive and refuse help, so I wanted to give him a chance to get better. It wasn’t unlike him to refuse help, and I didn’t want to make the situation worse by opening my mouth. Instead, I opted to ask, “Mind if I join in for a game?”

“What? Uh- no it’s fine. I mean, okay yes. Sure,” Spencer stuttered, spooked by my sudden appearance beside him.

“Stop slouching, you’re gonna make your posture even worse,” I chuckled lightly, patting his shoulder to remind him. He shot me a small smile, watching as I rounded the table to sit across from him. I wasn’t too good of a player, but I wanted to make Spencer feel just a little less alone.

“Do you even know how to play?”

“Ouch,” I mocked offense, slapping a hand over my heart. “So cruel, Spencer.”

He raised his eyebrows in a form of asking again, to which I replied with, “Kind of. I haven’t played for years but I’ve observed you.”

“Y-you’ve observed me?” Spencer questioned, resetting the chess pieces on the board.

“Well, yeah. Kind of hard not to. You’re a pretty interesting guy.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

I smiled when he finally made eye contact with me. He looked tired -- more so than usual -- with his eyebags a deeper shade than they were normally.

The game didn’t last long. In only seven minutes, he managed to beat me. I groaned at my loss, lips pulled into a tight line. Spencer didn’t react, however.

“Okay that’s enough for me,” I said, heading over to the bathroom to brush my teeth before bed. “Goodnight Spence. Get some sleep. No offense but you look like you need it.”

He hummed at me, cleaning up the table before he climbed into his own bed.

I could tell he didn’t sleep much that night, as he kept a lamp on and littered his bed with various books. He looked cute, all swaddled up in the blanket he brings with him on every case for a sense of stability. His glasses were perched on his nose, and he was chewing his fingernails -- a habit I’ve tried to get him to kick over the past two years.

We didn’t talk during the night, but we both knew that each other were awake. I was kept up by my thoughts, trying to figure out how to get Spencer out of his slump. Re-learning how to play chess seemed like a decent enough idea -- yet one that would take some time. I was proved tonight that my skill needed to be greatly improved. It was nice in the moment, but realistically it would take a few weeks, if not more, to get the hang of.

The next day at the precinct I was stationed at the map, trying to figure out our geographical profile. I heard faint chattering coming from outside, and looked over my shoulder to see Spencer and Derek talking. I couldn’t hear much, but I did get that Spencer mumbled about calling Gideon, to which Derek answered that he might’ve just missed the call. It was possible, but likely deeper than that.

“Six times? Six calls? Something’s wrong,” Spencer sighed, rubbing his eyes.

I didn’t intervene with the conversation, instead deciding to finally speak to him about it after the case had ended.

On the last day, we all headed to our rooms after grabbing some dinner, to get a good rest before we took off early the next morning.

“Hey Spence, you awake?”

He hummed in response, and I could hear the rustle of the sheets as he rolled over in his bed to face me.

“I know you’re worried about Gideon. How about when we get back tomorrow I’ll drive you down to his cabin? We can go check on him.

“Would you really?” he asked softly. I couldn’t see him fully in the darkness, but I could sense he was looking at me with pleading eyes.

“Of course. I don’t like seeing you this stressed and down. I want to help.”

“Thanks ____, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Spencer.”

After our conversation it was like a blanket of grey was lifted over his head. He settled in more, drifting off to sleep within minutes. I hated seeing him sad, and I did my best to try and fix his mood whenever I could. Spencer didn’t like change, I knew that, and the team knows that. A part of me had a sneaking suspicion that Gideon wasn’t coming back, and I had fear for what that would mean for Spencer.

-----

“Do you want me to come in with you?” I asked, pulling up in front of the cabin and turning off the engine. The only sounds were the faint hum of rain outside, splattering against the windows.

Spencer shook his head and took a deep breath, before unbuckling himself and opening his door. He mumbled something about being right back, as he headed off towards the building. It wasn’t dark yet -- only being four pm -- but it wasn’t too light either.

It looked as if the lights inside the cabin were off, and I could just hardly see Spencer as he knocked on the door. He waited on the porch for a moment, waiting to see if anyone would come to the door.

Nobody did.

It was hard to just sit there and watch, as his desperation grew stronger by the millisecond.

-----

I took deep breaths, trying to even out my intake of air and remain calm. When nobody answered the fifth time that I knocked, I reluctantly grabbed a hold of the knob and turned it. Much to my surprise the door opened, creaking inch by inch as I stood there unmoving.

“Gideon?” I called into the home, taking one step inside. “Jason?”

I wasn’t greeted with an answer, he didn’t come to the door and thank me for coming to visit. It was eerily quiet -- so quiet I took a few more steps inside to create some sort of volume.

“Hello?” I spoke again, louder this time. Shutting the door behind me I took off my jacket and hung it on the coat rack next to the entrance.

The place had been mainly cleared out, there weren’t many personal items behind. I stalked over to the kitchen, to see if there was any trace of someone within the last few days. It’s been officially a week and a half since anyone had last heard from him that I was aware of. I thought someone must have eaten, or at least left a bit of a mess behind them that would signal a presence.

As I turned the corner to enter the new room I noticed something on the table. I stopped in my tracks, leaning down to take a closer look.

Gideon’s badge, gun, and an envelope.

I swallowed thickly, walking around the table and took a seat in front of the items. When I saw the envelope had my name on it, my heart dropped. With shaky hands I picked up the paper and opened it, seeing there was a letter inside.

Spencer,

I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me.

You must be frightened, I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain. But then I also never envisioned writing this letter. I’ve searched for a satisfactory explanation for what I’m doing, all I’ve come up with is: a profiler needs to have solid footing. I- I don’t think I do anymore. The world confuses me. The cruelty, indifference, tragedy.

I stopped there, my eyesight becoming blurry from tears. I shoved the letter in my pocket, not caring at the moment if it got crumpled or not.

I was out of the cabin in no time -- choosing not to stay there and sulk in a deeper sadness.

-----

Waiting in the car for Spencer felt like torture. It was difficult, letting him go in there alone to be met with possibly no answers. I was thrown out of my thoughts by the sound of the cabin door slamming shut, Spencer jogging over to the car.

“Hey. Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked, red flags hanging immediately as he climbed in the car, tear soaked face pointed down towards his lap. It took me a moment to realize he was crying -- the rain had completely soaked through his top layer of clothes. He didn’t reply with words, instead reaching into his pants pocket to retrieve a piece of paper. He handed it over to me, still not meeting my eyes.

I unfolded it and began to read -- it was hard, through the tear stains smudging the ink across the page.

“Oh, Spence…” I whispered and stopped after the first few sentences, leaving the rest for him. I didn’t know what to say, how to comfort him.

“He’s gone,” Spencer sniffled, wiping his eyes on the sleeves of his nearly drenched jacket. “He just left. He didn’t say goodbye. He left me a note,” he froze, taking a few deep breaths. “Just like my dad did when I was a kid.”

“It’ll be okay. Wherever he is, I’m sure he’s okay,” I assured him. “You know he cares about you, right?”

“I know he is. It’s just-” he started, trying to find the right words between his gasping for more air. “Can you just take me home, please.”

I nodded, while turning the car back on to drive away. Spencer kept his gaze towards the window, refusing to let me see his face. I’m selfishly almost glad for it, because I don’t know if seeing his heartbreak is something I could handle.

It was a long, quiet drive, taking around an hour and a half to finally reach his apartment. He scrambled out of the car fast, but I still walked him up as I usually did. He got to the door before me, thanking me for driving him home. He shut the door just as I got fully up the stairs, leaving me standing with my mouth open.

‘Baby, when you fought me at the door

Kinda hard to force what's natural

Maybe you don't want what you need most’

-----

The next day when he came over after work he was almost back to normal. It was weird to see, to see such a shift in his behaviour after less than twenty-four hours. As much as he tried to hide it, I could tell just how hard it was for him. The sudden change didn’t go well with anyone, we’d all been informed that Gideon wouldn’t be returning and that he’d moved on from the BAU. It was especially hard on Spencer too, since Elle had just left not too long ago, and then Emily joined the team. First he loses a friend, someone who truly understood him as I did, and then someone he considered a father figure.

And neither of them had said goodbye to his face. It was scary, knowing a member of your team could walk out and never return before you know it.

We were seated on the couch, a game of chess displayed on the middle cushion between us.

It wasn’t anywhere near a fair game -- Spencer’s skills were still far ahead of mine. However I noticed it made him smile, and that’s all I wanted. For him to feel loved, and secured. It was a sense of grounding, a routine that was regular in his life. I still wasn’t very good -- not having played since high school and that night on the last case. But I downloaded an audiobook and several player’s guides for the plane ride home to study, because I wanted to learn for Spencer’s sake. However I soon realized it was easier to watch Spencer and how he plays, and to ask him questions. He seemed to enjoy it, having someone else in his life to play with.. And he loved to teach, to help people learn. He was so good at it too, his big brain being used to help people no matter the context.

Eventually he won the game as usual, causing me to groan in frustration..

“You bastard.”

“Not my fault you kinda suck,” he laughed bashfully, lips curling up into a small smile. It was nice to see a bit of happiness on his face, no matter how temporary.

“You’re so rude to me,” I joked, moving the board to the coffee table. “I thought we were friends.”

It was silent for a few moments, with me figuring out what I was going to say next.

“Spencer I know you haven’t wanted my help, but please tell me what I can do for you. Tell me how you feel, at least?”

‘Maybe you don't want what you need most’

“It’s nothing, ____,” he breathed, looking away from me and instead at the wall the couch was facing. He could see our reflection on the blank tv, and instead opted to just look down at his lap. “I’m better now.”

‘You ain't even there for me

Now you're scared to be alone’

“Respectfully, that’s bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh come on. I know you don’t want to talk about this but at least give me something. Don’t keep it all in. It’s not healthy.”

His face screwed up at my words, eyebrows furrowed and lips twitching. I could tell he knew I was right, as much as he hated it.

“I’m just- I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Spencer whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear.

‘Got me thinkin' that you scared of yourself, not me’

It all made sense -- the way he’d been distancing himself lately. It took me promising candy and Star Trek for him to come over tonight, and even then he almost declined. Too many blows to the heart made him afraid to get attached. He didn’t want anyone else from his life to disappear in a flash.

“Look at me,” I said, and he snapped his head to face me. “I’m not going anywhere. I can’t claim to be far in the future, but right now? I’m here. You’re stuck with me for a while, Spencer.”

He smiled, closing his eyes as a stray tear graced across his cheek. I used my thumb to wipe it away, and pulled him into a tight hug. He relaxed against me, I felt the tensions in his shoulders deflate as I held him.

“I’ve got you,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. His breath shuddered, and he wrapped his arms around my middle tighter, pushing his face into my shoulder to muffle his crying.

We sat for a while, my hands tracing patterns along his back. It took a few minutes for his cries to calm down, but eventually his breathing evened out with only a few hiccups here and there. He was practically sitting in my lap with his legs flung over mine, suddenly not caring about his personal space. I couldn’t blame him -- the boy was so touch starved he so clearly craved all contact he consented to.

“Do you want to spend the night?” I asked, quietly so I didn’t scare him with the sudden sound.

“Could I please?”

“Of course,” I smiled, pulling away. He still held on tight, not wanting to let go.

We made our way to my bedroom, repeating our usual routine. This wasn’t the first time we’d had a sleepover, and it won’t be the last I’m sure. Sometimes after particularly harder cases he would spend the night, just to be close to someone.

I went into the bathroom to change, giving him the opportunity to do the same. When I returned, he was dressed in a t-shirt and flannel pants he left at my place for sleepovers like this. He was already in bed, and when he saw that I was done in the bathroom he lifted the side of the blanket to welcome me in.

I joined him, grinning as he scooted over and pressed his back to my chest. I felt him breathing softly, my right arm slung over his torso to bring him in closer. He held onto my hand, and didn’t let me drift away. I was happy to comply, happy to feel his body warmth radiate through me.

“Thank you, ____. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Spence.”

From that day on for the foreseeable future, I swore to myself to have check-ins with Spencer whenever it seemed necessary. Whether it was in the form of words, sleepovers, movie nights, or chess.

His smile got brighter everyday, and eventually he no longer felt as much weight on himself a few weeks down the road. He still cried to me about how he missed Gideon, but it had gotten less frequent. And I was always there for him, offering my shoulder and the promise of my embrace. I knew he appreciated it too.

After a few months since our first game, I beat him in a game of chess. We were on the jet on the way to Montana for a case, and Derek was sitting beside Spencer. He kept annoying him, doing little things like twisting his hair and fanning him with files. Spencer kept shrieking quietly -- trying not to alert Hotch of the bickering.

“Checkmate,” I said, biting back a smile.

“What?!” Spencer froze, arm raised in what looked like to be a poor attempt of whacking Derek’s head.

“Awe, pretty boy. You’ll get her next time,” Derek threw his head back in laughter.

“What?” Spencer repeated quieter, eyes darting across the board, likely running calculations in his head.

“Better luck next time,” I smirked, tilting my head to the side. I wiggled my eyebrows, my small victory boosting my ego.

Spencer tried to keep a neutral face, but I could see by the tension in his cheekbones that he was happy. He was enjoying it.

-----

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[demonsandmischief]

You Saved My Life Pt 2

Marvel - Captain America Imagine

Steve Rogers x Female Reader, 1.3k Words

Here's Part 1

-You Saved My Life Pt. 2-

As trauma lingers, a certain protective Captain seems to be the only remedy to your broken mind.

A/N: I guess I have a thing for Marvel men and chocolate chip cookies lol I didn't even notice I did that whoops.

----

You sat up with a gasp, heart threatening to beat right out of your chest. You struggled to swallow or make a noise, feeling trapped by the panic.

You jumped when you felt a hand on your arm, a small yelp escaping as it jostled your still sore ribs. It was just a discomfort now, but it was still noticable.

"Shh, it's just me," Steve whispered. The bed dipped with his weight, and he leaned over to turn on the lamp. "It was just a dream."

The pressure of tears increased the tension on your brow as a soft sob escaped your lips. You rested your exhausted head on his chest.

It had been nearly a month since the invasion raided the city, and you hadn't had a good night sleep since. Everytime you closed your eyes you saw the kids dying, or the death of Captain America, a man you had very much grown to like.

He had been with you nonstop. His protective presence was the only thing that distracted the trauma in your head.

When he wasn't working, he was staying in the guest room of your house. You were developing feelings for him. How could you not after the experience you went through together? Not to mention he was sweet and handsome along with many other things.

You had taken all of your medical leave and were struggling to cope with your job. You used to love being a teacher, but everyday those innocent faces triggered the events.

You had been fighting through it, but you were beyond exhausted. Giving up seemed to be the only option.

Steve gently pushed your sweaty hair out of your face. "I know how this feels," he whispered. "I wish I could take it away."

He helped you lay back down, turning on the ceiling fan to cool your heated body.

"Can you stay, please?" you asked.

Cap hated seeing you as a shell of a strong person. He felt guilty, like it was all his fault. And maybe it was. If you hadn't had to recover from the physical injuries on top of the emotional, maybe you'd have a better chance fighting it.

He didn't stick around just for the guilt though, he had strange, new feelings, feelings he hadn't felt in a long time. You made him warm, like a home. You made him feel he could be something other than what the world expected him to be.

He laid beside you, and you do your best to curl close. You lay on your good side, pressing yourself to Steve's right.

"Easy," he murmured, switching off the lamp. He wrapped his arms around your frame, gently, not putting down any weight.

Finally, you slept.

----

Steve knew when you slept peacefully that first night, that the solution to your nightmares was to lay with you every night.

It had taken a few days, but the sleep improved your mindset greatly. It seemed as though you could finally move on.

The captain was always at your house, he practically lived there at this point. He was your protector. His presence made you feel safe and loved.

When Steve entered your house a few days later, he was surprised at the change. It was subtle, but his eyes caught it. The rooms were brighter, there was soft music playing somewhere, and it smelled like cookies.

"Hi," you said from where you were reading on the couch. He didn't expect you so upbeat after coming home from work. He liked the changes.

"Hi," he said back, lifting you up slightly so he could sit beneath you, your head in his lap. He bent to kiss your forehead.

Your cheeks grew warm from the sweet gesture.

"Having a good day, hmm?" he asked with a hum.

"Because of you," you whisper so softly, certain he wouldn't hear it.

"I don't deserve that credit," Steve said, stroking your hair. "You're getting through because you are strong, one of the strongest people I've ever met."

You didn't know what to say back, so you changed the subject. "There's cookies in the kitchen."

Steve flashed a lopsided smile, "I knew I smelled cookies."

"Do you want to make dinner together?" you ask, looking up into his vibrant blue eyes.

"Definitely. What did you have in mind?"

You sat up with a yawn, feeling cold as you left the body heat of the man who was like a heater.

"Lasagna?" You asked, pleased when he nodded eagerly.

The two of you got to work. It felt like a very couple-y, intimate thing to do together.

"Hey," you scolded when you saw Steve reach for a third cookie.

He grinned, stuffing it into his mouth. "I can't help it. They're so good."

"What about the lasagna?" you asked with a small laugh.

Steve hadn't heard you laugh, not even a small chuckle. It was his new favorite sound, and it was contagious as he felt the joy build up at your cheerfulness.

The moment was interrupted by a knock on the door and Steve frowned, "Are you expecting someone?"

"No," you shook your head, heading for the front of your house. You opened the door to find the Iron Man. "Mr. Stark," you greeted with a shocked stutter, feeling Steve against your back.

"So you're the one who has domesticated this old man," the man said, stepping into your house like he owned the place, forcing you back into Cap with a blush.

"Tony. What are you doing here?" Steve asked confused.

"You don't own a cell phone, or you don't have it on you, but I'm pretty sure you don't own one. I need your help. There's a situation."

You felt your heart pick up speed at the words, a flash of the scene in the city taking over your vision. You only felt grounded by Steve's hand on your shoulder.

"What kind of situation?" Steve asked. You excused yourself to the kitchen, not entirely sure you wanted to know.

When you heard their deep voices stop, you emerged once more. "Would you like a cookie, Mr. Stark?" you asked, holding out the container. He took the whole container.

"Hey," Steve said, taking it back, much like you had done just moments before. "You can't have all of those."

Tony flashed a vibrant smile, "I see why you stick around here. It was a pleasure to meet you, chair girl. I'll be waiting in the car, Cap."

"You told him about the chair?" you asked embarrassed.

Steve shrugged with a teasing smile before his face turned serious. "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to go."

"But when will you come back? What about lasagna, and tonight?" You felt yourself frown, imagining the intense fear of the nightmares. You didn't want to face them alone.

"I'll be back as soon as I can, sweetheart," he soothed, cupping your face. "I know you can do this."

You covered his hands with your own, "Please be careful."

"Can I kiss you?" his voice was breathy and you felt yourself nod.

He bent his head, gently brushing his lips against yours. You couldn't contain the smile as your heart burst with happiness, and a new feeling that hadn't been around in a long time blossomed in your belly. Hope.

"You better save me some lasagna," Steve grinned, feeling blissful.

[bitimdrake]

I think the issue is that in UTRH I think both the movie and the book they actually say that Yes Jason does lower the crime rate overall. There may be more hyper violent acts of crime but there are other types of crime that greatly reduce. The main one they focus on is dealing to kids but that cuts off a huge market and also lowers related crimes like minors drugging other minors. If there is a huge panic other lower criminals will drop out or lay low and if you kill the worse their crimes end.

The issue becomes is Jason's violence actually adding a significant amount to the system or was his level of violence already present but by groups like Black Mask against civilians or other gangs. The main issue is that if you say the crime rates are down you have to explain how that works. For example does he use the huge pay cuts as a form of taxes and reinvest in the communities. Cause wealth redistribution has been proven to be the biggest known reducer or crime.

Also yes UTRH says that all of the main dealing groups stopped dealing to kids while he was around and even went out of their way to self regulate by investigating if their guys were dealing to kids and planned to get rid of them. By the end Black Mask was basically defeated but the story ended before we got to see what would have happened after Jason took over. We saw the war but not the reconstruction so it could have gone either way. Wars can both improve things or worsen them.

Alright, it's been a bit since I got this ask because I wanted to reread UtRH to make sure I remembered everything correctly. (I didn't rewatch the movie, but whatever; I talk about comics here.)

And...no. It doesn't say that. There's absolutely nothing I could find in the story that says or even implies Jason lowered crime rates overall.

He did reduce dealing to kids. Sure, he didn't eliminate it entirely--that's unrealistic to expect of anyone--but it's clearly indicated that everyone's fear of the Red Hood has made it drop drastically. Including, yes, other gang members turning on those who are still dealing to kids in an effort to save themselves from Red Hood's wrath. So on that front, success!

But overall crime rate? I have no idea where you are pulling this from.

The violence Jason deals out himself is only a part of that; there's also the violence in his and Black Mask's war, and likely (though I do not believe this is outright said) some increased violence overall due to the gang instability--a lot of people aren't enthusiastic to be taken over by this new guy.

That, as you say, is part of the takeover, which he basically succeeds in by the end. And we don't get to see what Jason does afterwards; he may well have stabilized the situation afterwards and made the last point moot.

But he would have continued murdering people himself; that's his whole thing. Per Batman #641: "Death will come to those who deserve death. And death may come to those who stand in my way". (I still fall on the "fuck no" side of "is killing criminals actually good," but I think that's a separate discussion; this ask is more about structures than individuals.)

And we ALSO know how Jason managed his own people, independent of fighting Black Mask. imo most illuminating is Batman #646.

Jason's gaining ground and escalating against Black Mask, who wonders if Red Hood is just a more violent Batman. But he's corrected on that front--(preboot) Red Hood is not a vigilante like Batman, just a slightly more moral crime boss: "The Red Hood is still taking huge cuts from all avenues of business. Drugs, racketeering, prostitution...Now...It looks like he's eliminating the competition."

(As for Jason using those cuts for the benefit of the communities...no. I mean, yeah, absolutely wealth distribution is the best solution to crime, but there is literally nothing whatsoever to indicate Jason is even remotely interested in anything of that kind in preboot. All of Jason's solutions to the crimes he deems unacceptable are firmly punitive. People he doesn't like die. That's it. And there's a discussion to be had about the suspect politics of dc comics overall that uphold punitive justice irrespective of particular characters, but UtRH Jason is sure as fuck not a character with any interest in breaking that mold.)

Would he be better than Black Mask and many of the other organized crime leaders we've seen before? Very likely. Jason does have some principles and has used them to grand effect against dealing to kids. But he's still kept the rest of the gangs' operations running as usual.

So for the original topic of Jason lowering overall crime rates, I stand by my original assertion: he doesn't. And I'm not sure he even intends to.

[criminalmutantsins]

From Most to Least Favorite, How Would You Rank Each TMNT 2003 Seasons?

1. Season 4

Really enjoyed Leo’s arc. I love focusing on the effects the traumatic situation had on a character’s mental health. This season improved Leo greatly.

My only gripe is I wished Bishop was a major villain.

9/10

2. Season 3

I liked a lot of the episodes and it had my favorite final stories like Ultimate Draco and Exodus.

Same As It Never Was was probably my favorite episode, though I wished there was more payoff with it afterwards.

8/10

3. Season 2

S2 has my second favorite finale with the Battle Nexus, and it was an improvement of S1.

It was the season that really got me into the show.

Usagi was a great addition. He’s one of my favorite characters.

7/10

4. Season 1

I didn’t get into this season until the Shredder was a major part of it. I mostly found the introductory episodes meh but it was probably because I wasn’t used to the new iteration yet.

It’s higher since the next seasons are not as great.

6.5/10

5. Season 5

I liked the concept but the execution was not as great.

The plot felt rushed and the villain was meh because it was another Shredder. I would’ve enjoyed the story more if it was a new villain.

The other 4 acolytes didn’t serve a purpose other than the writers trying to digress how special the turtles are, which didn’t work since the turtles became the dragons like their mystical instructors.

6/10

6. Season 6

The new setting and concept barely keeps this season from last place.

It was a new fresh take, but the more childish tone ruined it for me. Total tone shift distract me most of the time.

The Dark Turtles, Cody, and Sterling were cool editions tho.

5.5/10

7. Season 7

The last season was… disappointing.

I would’ve preferred this season being about the Turtles learning how to relax after all that happened to them. Like, a moment when everything is peaceful and they are not needed to protect the city. Exploring how to move on from their sense of purpose would’ve been fun to see. It would’ve coincided well with April x Casey’s wedding since they are also move towards a different path.

4.5/10

Comment your thoughts

[roostertuftart]

south park asks for u: 18. Take a moment to talk about your favorite ship.

21. Do you have a favorite adult? If so, who?

23. What was the first piece of content you created for the South Park fandom?

(no pressure to do all 3, feel free to choose any amount!!!)

18. Take a moment to talk about your favorite ship.

My favorite dynamic between two characters is Style!! I've always been a sucker for best friends to lovers and I love how devoted these two are together, as well as how much they've been through and how much they need each other- It's not the healthiest dynamic in that regard, their codependence isn't always the best, but I think that's part of the fun of the ship and I like to think as they get older, they work out a lot of their issues and become a lot healthier with time (Though they're about at the level of your average couple now, no relationship is perfect). I also really like how easy it is to take Stan and Kyle and put them in any number of dynamics or situations or AUs- I always tend to stick with them knowing each other since childhood personally but they work work well as a couple that just met and fell in love as well, and there's loads you can do with both of those as well as the canon material from the show.

My favorite ship of all has to be Stendylenny. It's a super rare poly ship that I actually hadn't seen before my friends and I started shipping it, but I've seen it begin to spread slightly which makes me EXTREMELY happy! It's a poly between Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Wendy. I really love all of them shipped one on one so putting them all together just makes sense for me!! I could talk about this ship a lot but I don't even know where to start, it's just fun imagining the different scenarios that got these four together, and I feel like it could happen pretty easily. I think ships with both Wendy and Kenny are severely underrated in this fandom and I also just really like good old fashion style and stendy ofc. There's just a really good mix of dynamics with the four of them.

21. Do you have a favorite adult? If so, who?

Sheila Broflovski for sure. She is, in my opinion, the best parent in the show besides side character parents who haven't existed long enough to be in a conflict, and is just a generally good person. I can see why characters in the show are annoyed by her actions and how she can be overbearing and pushy, but she's a fantastic mom who listens closely to her sons and really tries to do what's best for them, as well as what's best for others around her. She's also shown to be fairly kind to other people even if she has her moments, and is honest and fair to her friends (She needs better ones). She also doesn't take shit from almost anyone.

A big part of this from me might be projection because my mom is pretty similar to her (Heavy jersey accent and all) but fuck it IDC Sheila best adult.

I also like Mr. Garrison a lot but only bc he's funny af

23. What was the first piece of content you created for the South Park fandom?

So a while back, three or four years ago, my friend Starby was into South Park. I was not. I, in fact, happened to sort of,, judge her for her interests, even if I was playful about it. Anyway, one day I was trying to include them in this one RP that was a cartoon crossover, except all of the characters were cats (It's a bizarre concept but my RPs tend to be a little crazier and more self indulgent than the stuff I post) and they wanted to roleplay as Butters since he's her favorite. So my first actual South Park fan work that I ever created is this really old, ugly design for him as a cat that I completely forgot about until about a week ago:

My art has obviously improved immensely since I made this and, if you're wondering, the RP never even really happened. I've actually made a new design for Butters since then, not even remembering this old one existed at all, that I greatly prefer (though I may still update it)! This is it:

My first intentional South Park fanart was also characters as cats, it's the main four's designs:

[yandere-daze]

`Til death do us part

Yandere Riddle Rosehearts x Reader

So I recently got into Twisted Wonderland and I love Riddle so much so I decided I had to do something for him ( as I promised with the drawing). This is what I came up with! Thank you so much for your help and listening to me scream about this @naranciabestboi ! I hope you enjoy it!!

Under cut for length!

Summary : Your parents had made plans for an arranged marriage, Riddle however was not pleased by this at all.

You held the letter in your shaking hands, rereading it´s contents over and over again to see if there was anything you had missed. Surely there had to be some kind of mistake on your part, you had to have misread something. Your reading comprehension has never been the best so surely there was a possibility at least? But no matter how long you stared at that cursed letter in your hands, the same cold hard truth was contained within the elegantly written words that were scrawled across the paper in a neat manner.

 “Dear Y/n,

Your mother and me have observed your progress at Night Raven College quite closely and we are proud to see how far you have gotten with your studies. But don´t let this praise get to your head, you still have a long way to go if you want to one day become a worthy ruler and heir of the L/n name. So please remember to keep studying to one day achieve your goal.

But this is not the only reason I decided to write this letter to you. You see I have the greatest of news for you: Crown prince Ayers of the Devereaux family is currently looking for a spouse to rule beside him once he becomes king and ascends the throne. As far as I remember, you two have met before, haven´t you? It was but a year ago at one of the Devereaux family’s grand birthday celebrations. The young prince seemed to be quite struck with you back then, didn´t he? He is currently accepting offers from nobles all over the continent but your mother and me are very confident that you will prevail. A union between you both would be of great benefit to both of our countries and greatly improve our influence. Y/n please hear me out: I know how you might feel about this arrangement, but we are sure that this is for the best so we are not allowing any sort of protest or defiance from you. We have already offered your hand in marriage to prince Ayers. One day you will thank us for this.

Now then, we wish you the best of luck on your studies and we will hear from each other soon. It has been a long time since we last heard of you, so do send us a reply as fast as possible.

Signed,

D/n and M/n L/n”

 You felt as if a burning hole had just opened up in your stomach as the situation you were in finally settled in. Your parents were trying to set you up on an arranged marriage? With someone you barely knew? Sure, you had met Ayers once but you didn´t have too high of an opinion on him. To you he was a bumbling fool that didn´t know when to stay quiet. You had made it quite clear that his presence wasn´t appreciated, but he either didn´t seem to take the hint or he just straight up ignored your resistance, because he kept asking you to dance with him the whole evening and in the hopes of him finally letting up on you, you reluctantly complied. Which looking back on it now was a huge mistake, as it was what put you into this miserable situation in the first place. You remember back then when your parents caught a glimpse of you two dancing, they looked so very excited for you, something you couldn´t quite comprehend back then. But now it all seemed so clear to you: Even back then, they were trying to find someone to arrange a marriage with, seeking to spread their influence and power. They said that they cared about you and that they only had your best interests in mind but you knew that you were secretly just a means to climb the social ladder even further. Because if they had truly cared about your wellbeing then they wouldn´t have forced you into this situation. Now you knew you were done for, doomed to marry someone you didn´t love and wanted as far away from you as possible. Right in this moment you wanted to vent out your frustration and anger: You wanted to punch the wall, scream your lungs out and let your angry tears flow freely but ended up doing none of that, barely containing your emotions as you heard footsteps approaching, heading right into your direction. You had to compose yourself. Whoever this was, you didn´t want them to see you in this state. You straightened your back as you slowly tried to ease the tension out of your shoulder while willing your face muscles to put a small smile on your face. Hopefully this would be enough to convince anyone passing by that you were fine and didn´t need anyone´s help right now.

Clack clack clack

You heard a familiar sounding fall of footsteps growing closer and closer until the sound faded as the person came to a stop seemingly right beside you. You forced your smile to grow just a tiny amount wider as you turned around to face to face whoever came by.

And as they exclaimed your name, you immediately knew just who was standing before you now.

“Y/n?”

-----

Riddle was on his way to head back to the Heartslabyul dormitory after class, as he saw the vague shape of a person standing just a few meters away from him, seemingly distracted. He at first didn´t plan to pay any attention to it, as he had enough important matters to attend to and surely, he wasn´t the right person to vent their problems to but as he got closer and closer, he was able to identify the student standing there. How could he not? He had practically memorized everything about you. Y/n L/n. The one person that was always there for him when all the other turned away from him. You were one of the only people that he felt like he could be himself with and he treasured your existence like no one else. You were the one spark in his otherwise bleak life that kept him going and gave him hope for a bright future. A future with you, ideally. But he couldn´t get too carried away now. Taking one good scrutinizing look at you, he was able to tell that something was wrong, the smile you had on your face looked forced, far too wide to be considered a natural one. You looked shaken and your shoulders were slightly trembling as if you were on the verge of crying. Just what could have put you into this state? Did someone hurt you? If that was the case then he needed to find out who it was and then have a rather stern…talk with the culprit. But first, he had to make sure that you were okay and maybe cheer you up a bit.

“Y/n?”, he called out to alert you of his presence if you hadn´t heard him approach yet. He wouldn´t doubt it from how distracted you looked. But he couldn´t help but feel his heart swell as your eyes lighted up in recognition and your shoulders lost some of their previous tension.

“R-riddle!”, you exclaimed in slight surprise as you shifted your arms around a bit. Riddle didn´t miss how you tried to casually put on of your arms behind your back, a sheet of paper clutched tightly in your hand as you put in the effort to try and hide whatever that was. He couldn´t help but slightly furrow his brow at this. He could easily guess that this letter was the cause of your distress and he felt irritated that you even tried to hide this from him, even if it was a poor attempt. Did you not trust him with your problems?

“Uhm.. fancy seeing you here haha…” He couldn´t help but chuckle in amusement despite the current situation, you very visibly cringed from how fake your own attempt at casualness sounded.

“Y/n I live here. And also, please show me what you are hiding beneath your back, you look really upset” At this, your shoulders tensed up again as you nervously shifted your weight from one foot to the other while you stammered out an excuse. “I-I don´t know what you´re talking about! I´m not hiding anything and I feel fine!” Your voice continued to stagger as your eyes locked onto anything besides Riddle´s face, which he didn’t like at all. Not one bit. Deep within him he felt the desire for you to look at him, to look only at him and no one else. For you to grace him with one of your radiant smiles that he had grown in love with. Yes, love. Oh, he loved you so dearly, your entire being and soul. He wanted to hold onto you tight and never let go. But he was getting sidetracked now, he really needed to get to the bottom of this current issue that laid before him. There was something you were anxious about and even worse tried to hide from him, that just wasn´t acceptable.

“Rules of the Queen of Hearts No. 404: Never tell a lie when talking to your ruler! And so badly as well. I demand to know what you have there behind your back!” Your eyes widened in shock, surprised that Riddle had seen through your oh so flawlessly crafted lie. Then after the initial shock had registered in your system you were quick to raise your eyebrows at his remark. “My…ruler? Really now?” Riddle couldn´t help but show off a proud smirk at that. “Yes, your ruler. Your dorm leader, you know? It´s basically the same thing but really that´s beside the point. You should not be lying to me in any kind of fashion, especially when you look so horribly distraught.” His eyes softened at the last part of his speech. Yes, he was a bit irritated at your stubbornness but he genuinely wanted to know what had happened. And who he needed to have a very stern scolding with.

“Well…okay. Because it´s you Riddle. I-I don´t think I can tell you myself but please just take a look at this letter it´s just….” You weren´t even able to finish your sentence before Riddle practically ripped the letter from your hands, his gaze practically devouring the words that were displayed on the paper. Y/n parents, they want to set them up on an arranged marriage? With someone like this? He couldn´t believe this was happening as he grew more and more furious, he ended up almost tearing the letter apart from how much his hands were shaking in rage. Who do they think they are, taking his dear y/n away from him like this? He had already planned his entire future with them, how he would confess in front of the rose bushes while watching the sunset together, how they would move in together after Night Raven College, how he would one day propose to them and they would get married... Yes married. They would get married one day. He would get his happily-ever after, no matter the cost. Y/n´s parents had the audacity to take them away from him so they had to pay a price! Riddle was much better suited as y/n´s future husband, he had so much more to offer! They would be fools to choose that Devereaux wanna-be noble over him!

You must have seen how infuriated he had gotten as you laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and as Riddle looked into your watery eyes, barely being able to hold the tears back, he came to a decision. He had to do something about this, there had to be a way out of this arranged marriage, even if it was the last thing he did. That wretched fool wouldn´t get to hold you in his arms, he would make sure of that. And as you circled your arms around him in a hug and wet his shirt as you finally let your tears flow, he came to the idea of just what he had to do to keep you by his side.

His face was slightly flushed from the gentleness of your touch as he ran a comforting hand over your back. “Y/n”, he murmured and you gently raised your head to look him in the eye. “I think”; he continued in a soft tone, so very different from his current mental state; “I think I know a way out of this miserable situation.” Your pretty eyes widened at this and displayed various emotions: surprise, confusion, intrigue, and also... hopefulness. “How so, Riddle? I don´t think my parents can be so easily swayed, they seem pretty set on marrying me off to some wealthy noble.” “And that´s exactly my point.” Now you just looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean? I don’t know what you´re getting at. I don´t think that- “

“Just let me finish explaining y/n”, he lightly scolded you as he waved a finger in front of your face. How adorable your little pout was. He could look at you all day. And he would.

“So, your parents want you to marry this man because they want to gain influence through combining your countries wealth, right?” He waited for you to give him a reluctant nod before continuing. “But what if coincidentally, an even better suitor appeared right before their eyes and pleaded for your hand in marriage? If they had a way bigger influence? They would drop these silly plans, wouldn´t they?” You tilted your head as if to properly think over what your dorm leader just told you before your expression lightened up, your mouth forming a surprised o-shape. “It seems like you understand what I´m trying to say, right? The Rosehearts name is a prestigious one indeed. I don´t think your parents would ever dare to dismiss the chance for their child to be called Y/n Rosehearts, would they? So, I thought of this solution. We write a letter to your parents, saying that you are already in a relationship with me and that we are planning a wedding in the near future. Because of this you can´t accept their oh so gracious offer.” “And then!”, you continued for him.” And then, when Ayers announces that he found a proper spouse we can stop the act and go back to being friends like before! Riddle that´s a great plan! What would I ever do without you?”

Yes, what indeed would you do without him? He wanted to properly enjoy the notion of being so important to you but the rest of your naively uttered comment left a very bitter taste in his mouth. You wanted to go back to being friends? He´s going to agree for now but that is not how this will end. Surely, after you two had spent so much time together pretending to date, he would be able to steal your heart and make you fall in love with him as much as he loved you. You would be his after this, he won´t let you break things off, surely you would see things his way after this.

“Exactly”, he instead said and told you that you two should get to writing the letter as soon as possible so the arranged marriage could be stopped. The very same day, the letter had been written and sent, talking about how you two had fallen in love during your school days and how you were already engaged to him. Yes, that detail was something Riddle was strangely persistent with. “It´s easier to sway them with this”, he had answered to your questions and you didn´t pay it much more mind. You trusted him completely and that´s exactly what Riddle adored about you.

He ran a delicate hand over the word “engaged” before slipping the letter into a fancy envelope and sending it out to be delivered as soon as possible.

Everything would fall into place and you would finally be his.

------------------

As you had guesses, your parent´s response to you and Riddle´s supposed engagement had been ecstatic, talking about how proud they were of you and how they couldn´t wait for you two to get married. Yeah, you were sure they were; you thought sarcastically. Much to your delight, the plans for you to get married to Ayers Devereaux had been tossed out the window completely as well. At least for the time being. So much to them wanting the best for you, they were only interested in the noble title since the beginning. When you told the good news to Riddle, he seemed almost happier than you were. Well, that is to say a wide smile appeared on his face, which in his standards was a truly rare expression, saved for only very rare moments. This seemed to be one of them.

“I can´t believe it Riddle, your plan actually worked out! I can´t thank you enough for this!” It was true, he had really gotten you out of an almost impossible looking situation, thanks to him a heavy burden was lifted from your shoulder, you felt as if you could finally breathe easy now. “Don´t thank me just yet, y/n. It´s still not over, far from it in actuality.” You tilted your head in confusion at your dorm head´s sudden exclamation, not quite understanding what he was trying to say. “Y/n, don´t tell me you forgot already.” Noticing that you indeed seemed to have forgotten, he sighed in exasperation and lightly shook his head. “Did you already forget the second part of our plan? Perhaps even the most important one? Really, what am I to do with you?” You chuckled in slight embarrassment, not wanting to directly admit that you had forgotten about such an important detail but made it clear that you wanted him to continue. Seriously what was he talking about?  “Alright so think about it like this: Out of the blue, one of the most important students in this school, the dorm head of Heartslabyul has just announced that he was going to get engaged to another student at school. Yet they were never even seen exchanging any kind of affection that could be seen as romantic? That doesn´t make a lot of sense, now does it? You would expect them to act like a couple, wouldn´t you?” You considered what your friend just told you and came to the conclusion that what he just said did make sense, he had a point. “Then what are we supposed to do in your opinion?”, you asked tentatively. You had an idea as to what he might propose but you didn´t just want to assume and push him into something he might not want. He had already done so much for you, you didn´t want to put even more pressure onto him. “It´s quite obvious, isn´t it?”, he answered your question while absentmindedly crossing his arms in front of his chest. “We have to act like a couple if we want people to believe us.”, he added with a slight smirk on his face. You knew it was coming but you couldn´t help but still feel surprised about it now that it was actually said. “Are you sure you want to do this? You don´t have to push yourself like this…” Riddle let out another sigh as he once again shook his head. “Don´t worry, I´m perfectly fine with this. And besides, what would be the alternative to this? Your parents finding out that we were just pretending and going back to that foolish prince to once again start discussions about your potential marriage? Now I´m pretty sure that neither of us wants that.” You wanted to retaliate something, anything, because it seemed pretty awkward for you to act like you are in love with your best friend but you didn´t really have a better idea than him and he was right. “Alright then. So, what should we do first? How are we going to go about this?” “Don´t worry to much about it, I already have everything planned out. Just leave it to me.”, he answered your question with a knowing smile on his face as he reached out his hand for you to take. With a light flush to your cheeks thanks to the gentle contact, you took ahold of his hand and let him lead you to who-knows where.

-----------------------

The first place Riddle took you to was the kitchen in the Heartslabyul dorm, where Trey was already working on preparing the tarts and cookies for the redhead´s afternoon tea session. “Ah Trey, it´s good to see you. Would you care to prepare a larger serving for today? I want to share your delicious sweets with my beloved as we drink tea together.” Riddle had said this so casually, with such a practiced normalcy, that Trey´s shocked reaction of almost dropping the tart he had been working on just mere moments ago contrasted almost funnily contrasted with your “lovers” serious behavior. “Your… beloved? Riddle, did I hear that quite right? I think I might have misheard.”, Trey asked awkwardly while trying to fix the mess he had just caused in the kitchen involuntarily.  “Yes, that is quite right. You see, y/n and me share a special connection with each other so it´s only natural that I want to spend more time with them. I assumed that´s what happy couples do, or am I mistaken?” You yourself where almost taken aback by how serious your friend sounded, even if you knew firsthand that it was only an act he had put on. You knew that Riddle was a genius but you didn’t expect him to be so good at acting as well, you were almost convinced by his words alone and he hadn´t even said more than a few sentences. “So, you two are together? Since when?” Trey looked befuddled as he fixed his head that was threatening to fall off from all of its owner´s abrupt movements. You decided to let Riddle do the talking because he seemed to be much more composed than you felt, you didn´t trust yourself to start speaking now without your voice shaking. “Indeed, we are a couple. We´ve been together for some time now but had decided to keep it a secret until now. Y/n was a bit nervous about everyone knowing about us so I kept quiet about it as well. I hope you understand.” Right at this moment, the teapot started making loud noises, indicating that the water was now boiling and ready to be poured. “I understand. To your luck, I actually already made a bit more than usual, so you are more than welcome to take everything here.” “Splendid!”, Riddle exclaimed before looking at you. “Thank you very much!”, you thanked Trey while grabbing most of everything you two needed for your teatime, causing your arms to be completely overloaded with pastries. You said your goodbyes before leaving the kitchen and following Riddle down the hallway. On your way to what you assumed was the garden a familiar looking figure came into view. Judging from the general large statue of this person as well as the tell-tale white fluffy ears, it was Jack Howl that was currently walking right in your direction. When he came closer and finally recognized your face behind the mountain of treats in front of your face, his ears quickly peaked up as he gave you a greeting. “Y/n, why are you carrying all of this stuff? Is this some kind of punishment from the dorm head?”, he tilted his head quizzically while looking at the mentioned person calmly walking beside you. “We are, in fact, walking to the gardens to have a tea party- date. I would appreciate it if you could move out of our way swiftly.” You couldn´t help but notice that Riddle´s tone had gotten a bit snappish, a light glare lingering on his face, indicated by the way his eyebrows furrowed. “D-date? Uh sure, I will but why are you making y/n carry everything by themselves? They look overwhelmed and you aren´t carrying anything. Come on, let me help you carry this.” You smiled in gratitude as you thanked Jack for his great help as he leaned over to take some of the weight off of you, lightly brushing against your arm in the process. Suddenly, Riddle grew very red in the face, the color now rivaling the intensity of his red hair. “Unbelievable! Stop this insolence at once!” Surprised by his sudden outburst compared to his calm state before, you and Jack turned your heads to properly look at him once more. He was fuming, his hands almost shaking. “What´s wrong, Riddle?”, you asked innocently. What had happened? Had you accidentally broken a rule again? But you had done that several times before and he had never reacted this badly in any of the other instances. So, what was wrong? “You want to know what´s wrong? Rules of the Queen of Hearts No. 420: Never touch your ruler´s property! You´ve made a great mistake breaking this rule, Jack Howl!” He seemed truly mad right now for some reason and with a wave of shock you saw him raising his magical pen. Surely, he wasn´t meaning to-

“OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”, Riddle screamed as he let his magic roam free. Few seconds passed before the heart shaped collar appeared around Jack`s neck. “Why you-!”, Jack growled. “Riddle why did you do that? What´s gotten into you? He just wanted to help me, that´s why he touched the tarts! If anything, it´s my fault as well.” But Riddle didn´t look like he even wanted to consider your exclamation before he promptly grabbed your hand once more, this time quite a bit more tightly as he started walking ahead and pulling you along with him, not paying any mind to the yelling man you two had left behind. You walked quite some minutes before you two came to a stop at a very familiar sight. You were greeted by the beautiful sight of rose bushed that were painted red and a fancy looking decked table. Carefully you set down everything you had to begrudgingly continue to carry on your own because of what happened just a few minutes ago. The thought still wouldn´t leave your head. Why had Riddle reacted so strongly to Jack touching the sweets? After all, hadn´t Trey technically touched them as well when he made them? How would you even bake something without touching it? You swore, these rules kept making less and less sense to you, this was ridiculous. Seemingly noticing that you were still upset, the redhead sighed as he sat in the chair facing yours as he reached his hand over the table, encouraging you to take it. You were still mad so you refused to do so and instead just stared right into his eyes, trying to convey your disagreement with what he had just done. Sensing your hesitancy after refusing to take his hand even after several seconds had already passed, a steely look crossed Riddle´s face as he sighed once more, this time sounding more disappointed as he decided to take the initiative and practically leaned over the table to take your hand that laid out before you on the table and pulling it more towards where he could reach better. Looking down at your now entwined hands, you felt frustration take over, still not understanding what had happened. “You know”, Riddle broke the lasting silence as he simultaneously ran his fingers over the back of your hand which you interpreted as his way to try and calm you down to make you listen. “I wasn’t mad because of the tarts.” At this, you were surprised. What else could he have gotten mad about then? “But I thought you said that he touched- “ “Yes that is what I said. But I wasn´t talking about the tarts.” Now it was your time to be confused. “But then what…” “You.”, he simply uttered. “Huh? What?”   “I said, you were what I was mad about. That filthy animal was touching you, I couldn´t allow that.” Was he serious right now? “But Riddle, Jack wasn´t touching me inappropriately, he was just trying to help me! It was barely a sliver of a touch!”, you protested. Also... does that mean he saw you as his property? Because that was what the rule implied, wasn´t it? Never touch your ruler´s property! That didn´t sit right with you at all. “That doesn´t matter, he still broke a rule and for that he needed to be punished. How am I going to make people obey the rules when they never get punished for breaking them?” You still didn´t agree with what he was saying but didn´t know what to tell him anymore so you decided to keep quiet and just looked at him with a disappointed glare. Sensing your slight animosity, he rubbed his thumb over the back of your hand in a soothing manner as he tried to calm you down again.

“Okay y/n, I admit, I might have been a bit to harsh to him, so can we please just forget about this and change the topic? I don´t want our first date to start on such a sour tone.” You were begrudgingly going to accept Riddle´s apology, fully aware that it was just in his nature to be a bit strict with rules, until the last part of his statement fully settled in. “F-first date??”, you choked out in shock. Amused by your demeanor, your “suitor” couldn´t help but chuckle.

“That is what I said, isn´t it? If we want people to believe us then we must act more like a couple would, wouldn´t you agree? And one very important part is going on dates with your significant other. Or so I´ve heard. So, let´s make the most out of our shared time together, shall we?” He then reached for one of the two plates you brought along and laid it out in front of him as he put the other one away and meticulously cut a big piece out of the strawberry cake sitting down in front of him. You were about to once again protest, were you not going to get any cake? That was until Riddle dug into the sweet treat with his fork, making sure to gently balance the cut-out chunk on top of the eating utensil as he slowly leaned forward again, fork in hand. You watched him quizzically until the inviting sweetness stopped right in front of your closed mouth as Riddle looked at you expectantly as he softly poked your lips with the fork in an attempt to coax you into opening your mouth for him. “Well?”, he asked with an impatient but also clearly smug expression on his face, “Aren´t you going to open your mouth for me? You don´t want the cake to go to waste, do you?” “Just give me my own pla- “, you were cut off as Riddle used this opportunity to forcefully shove the fork into your mouth and though you were surprised by his sudden impulsiveness you couldn´t help but marvel at the sweet aromas that filled your mouth right in that instant. It was so good, you couldn´t help but let out a pleased sigh.

“See? That wasn´t too hard, was it? And there´s more from where that came from.”, Riddle teased as he cut out another piece of cake with his fork. And though you were flustered beyond belief at his almost out of character behavior, you couldn´t say you minded too much.

--------------------------

It´s been a week since you two started this arrangement and everything had been going according to plan. It all went so perfectly, Riddle couldn´t help but think. He still couldn´t help but blush when he recalled how bold he had been that afternoon when he affectionally fed you cake and how you had seemed to greatly enjoy it as well after your initial hesitancy. You were coming around to the idea of you two becoming a couple for real, he could just feel it already. He couldn´t wait for you two to get married, the preparations were running along so smoothly now. He had picked out the perfect wedding venue, a breathtaking garden that was filled with beautiful red roses that would create a wonderfully romantic atmosphere, though he did have to admit that he wasn´t the most well-versed person when it came to decorations. He guessed that he just had to ask you for your opinion when he finally brought the joyous news to you that you would get married in just a few days from now! Wasn´t that wonderful? You two would be joined in a harmonious and happy union for the rest of your life! Ah he felt his heart swell with longing and excitement when he pictured you in your wedding attire, waiting for him at the altar to exchange your vows of never-ending and eternal love. He wanted to hear it so desperately, that you loved him just as much as he loved you, that you would never abandon him and spend the rest of your life together in a far away home. It was his dream, the one thing he couldn´t live without. He had sacrificed so much during his childhood, he was never allowed to have free time or spend time with his friends, he wasn´t allowed to eat unhealthy desert, he was forced to always give it his all even when he was on the brink of passing out from exhaustion. He wouldn´t let anyone ever take you away from him, you were way to precious to him. That was exactly why he had to get rid of any potential threats that could endanger your blossoming love, and the very first person on his list of targets was one Ayers Devereaux, that foolish prince that had tried to marry his y/n before Riddle could even confess his love to them. It had thrown him completely out of the loop and taken him by surprise. He had felt panic, anger, sadness, despair. All of these very strong and intense emotions that had almost seemed to overwhelm him at the time. He couldn´t ever risk this to happen again so he had to act quickly. Now of course he couldn´t just let the crown prince of a rising kingdom disappear into thin air, it would have been way too suspicious and he wanted to avoid the political drama at any costs. So instead, he went with a more pacifistic approach. Instead of having that noble murdered in cold blood, he had instead opted to look for a different spouse for him and set the two up. And from what he has heard from his messengers, his operation went successfully, the both of them were now officially engaged and that prince posed no threat to their love anymore. And on top of that, Riddle had been keeping a close eye on you all this time, spending as much time with you as he could and driving away any other possible suitors that might try to take you away from him. It wasn´t too hard to keep noisy people away from you, just one angry glare sent at the offending party and a threatening raise of his magical pen was sure to make anyone run for the hills in fear of having broken another one of the 810 rules he had promised to keep up. And while it normally would have greatly frustrated him in any other situation that no one had truly made the attempt to memorize all of the rules set up by the Queen of Hearts, it proved to be a great asset in this matter. If no one except him knew the rules by heart then he could just make them up as they were convenient to him and no one would dare to oppose the Heartslabyul dorm leader in fear of getting their magic locked away. Truly it pleased Riddle greatly to see everyone turn away from you after just making up a few rules on the spot.

“Rules of the Queen of Hearts No 666: At exactly 4:20 pm on any given day, the ruler is to spend a shared teatime with their significant other for at least 3 hours.”

“Rules of the Queen of Hearts No 69: It is forbidden to look at your ruler´s significant other if they are spending time together.”

“Rules of the Queen of Hearts No 420: You shall not approach your ruler´s significant other without their explicit consent.”

No one dared raise an eye at any of these unusual rules, after all the unusual was expected with the Rules of the Queen of Hearts. It wasn´t hard to believe that these could be actual rules so no one had caught onto him so far. And that just meant he could spend as much time alone together with you as he liked without anyone protesting. As he thought on and on about how everything had been going just as he had planned, he felt his heart speed up drastically as he saw you approach him with quick steps, a wide smile on your face. Coming to a stop in front of him you were left nearly breathless as you collected yourself before meeting his loving gaze with a deliciously joyous expression.

“Riddle! You won´t believe this! We did it!” How amusing, were you talking about the engagement of that noble? He had just been thinking about it as well, did that prove you two were connected in some way? You had to be, otherwise the wild emotions you caused within him didn´t make any sense. He had never felt this way before but he knew he wanted to hold onto this feeling forever. He decided to indulge you for a bit. “What are you talking about? What happened?” “You won´t believe it! It´s about prince Ayers, you know, the one that was supposed to marry me? Well he just announced his engagement to someone else! We are finally free!” And Riddle couldn´t agree with that sentiment more, you were finally free to both leave this academy together and spend the rest of you lives together, he could hardly wait. “That´s good to hear. Of course our plan worked out.” You took a small bow in front of the Rosehearts before making eye contact once more.

“Really, I can´t thank you enough for what you have done for me! You pretended to be in love with me, all so I wouldn´t get married to someone I didn´t want to marry! So, thank you!”

Wrong. You were wrong. Riddle didn´t pretend to be in love with you, this wasn´t just an act, why couldn´t you see that? He loved you so dearly with his entire being, what else did he need to do to prove that to you?

“-so we can finally stop pretending to be in love with each other and go back to being friends!”

What did you just say? Surely you were kidding? “Y/n what are you saying? Go back to being friends? I can´t allow that to happen.” Your face was quick to fall then, slight discomfort crossing your face.

“Riddle, what are you saying? We aren´t really together, you know? It was all just an act to prevent the arranged marriage, you know that, right?”

Riddle couldn´t help but let out a mirthless laugh at that which seemed to unsettle you even further as you tried to take a step back. But he wouldn´t allow you to go away, to leave him. He grabbed onto your wrist and pulled you closer again, your shaking and pulling not deterring him in the slightest, instead only making his grip even tighter.

“You can´t leave me y/n, I love you! I love you so much! This was anything but a game to me so please, give us a chance! Even if you don´t feel the same right now, these feeling could still grow! There´s still hope!” His breath was ragged now as his shoulders heaved up and down as his body shook. A look of sympathy and understanding now formed on your face and for just a moment, everything seemed okay. You wouldn´t reject him, you would stay by his side. It would all be okay. But his fleeting hope was utterly crushed as soon as you opened your mouth again.

“I´m flattered to hear this Riddle, really I am! But I just can´t accept your confession. I´m really sorry but there is someone else I love, it wouldn´t be fair of me to play with your feelings like that. I hope you understand.” Your eyes sparkled in sincerity but for Riddle, it felt like his world was falling apart right in front of him. You liked someone else? Who? WHO? Who could have caught your heart like that under his own watchful gaze? Who had achieved what he couldn´t?

“Y/n, please answer me. Who are you in love with? I NEED TO KNOW!” It shocked both you and Riddle himself how he had practically screamed out the last part of his sentence but he couldn’t be fazed by this at all now that his dreams were being destroyed right in front of him while you tried to take another step backwards. Riddle noticed the way you were tugging at his arm as a sign for him to let you go but he wouldn´t have any of that. You two were destined to be and nothing would come between the both of you.

“Riddle please let me- “

“NEVER! Rules of the Queen of Hearts No. 911: Never ever break up with your ruler! Especially not right after he had spilled all of his precious feelings for you and opened his heart to you, just to be trampled on and bested by some other wanna-be when he would be the way better choice!! DON`T LEAVE ME OR IT`S OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

“Stop this Riddle please, you´re scaring me!”, you cried out as you kept struggling in his grasp and then… the tears started flowing. The redhead softened his gaze as he saw the tears run down your cheek and he used his unoccupied hand to gently wipe away your tears as he whispered to you with a decidedly calmer tone.

“Shhh don´t worry, everything will be okay! You don´t need to tell me who it is, I will find out myself and then I´ll make them disappear! I know that you are nervous, we are going to get married in just a few days after all but there is no reason to fool yourself into thinking you love another man! So just let me hold you close for the moment until you have calmed down, okay? This was an eventful day for the both of us so let´s just rest.” As he said this, Riddle pulled your shaking form into a tight embrace and then after meeting your eyes with a gaze that could only be described as utterly obsessed, he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss onto your forehead.

“It´s okay, it´ll all be over soon. Tomorrow we can choose what kind of wedding cake you want and after that we can get your wedding attire measured out, okay? And then, we can finally get married and leave everything else behind. We can finally be happy together forever.”

“´Til death do us part”, Riddle whispered as he got down on one knee to slip a beautiful golden ring onto your finger, adored with a blood red gemstone that cost half a fortune.

Everything went according to plan.

[vickchan2]

JESSE BLACKTHORN WAS MURDERED BY HIS OWN MOTHER [PART 2]

ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE, PLEASE FORGIVE MY GRAMMAR MISTAKES

lol I wonder if Cassie has daddy issues? She really knows how to portray parental psychological abuse.. 

Part 1: https://vickchan2.tumblr.com/post/643878993806884864/jesse-blackthorn-was-murdered-by-his-own-mother

WHY I DON’T THINK JESSE WAS TRULY SICK

Because Cassie made sure to let us know how Thomas had a frail health when he was kid (just like Jesse). Gideon worried about that so much he even tried to discuss that with Tatiana (who refused to help him) in A Lightwood Christmas Carol. Nonetheless Thomas got better over the years and grew up a healthy (and very tall!) young man... Still, many characters remember often how Thomas used to be a sickly, small child...

Why Cassie keeps reminding us about his past health problems?  Because he has grown up so tall? No, because it shows Jesse might have recovered too. 

(ON A SIDE NOTE: REMEMBER CECILY TELLING ANNA HOW SHE USED TO BE QUITE SICK DURING HER PREGNANCY?? HELLO, THAT REMINDS ME OF JESSE AND THOMAS SITUATION)

However, Jesse never realized his health had improved because his mother made him believe he still was a sick kid... (Yeah, Jesse did start training, but he still felt weak because of the poison and thus didnt realize he had recovered. That explains the talking about his weak state, fevers and stuff we heard about him)

(For better understanding of the issue, I recommend this buzzfeed article about Dee Dee Blanchard and Gypsy Rose: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/michelledean/dee-dee-wanted-her-daughter-to-be-sick-gypsy-wanted-her-mom)  

Dee Blanchard suffered from Munchausen syndrome by proxy,  a mental disorder which causes a parent or other caretaker to exaggerate, fabricate, or induce illness in a person under their care. Dee Dee Blanchard family even confronted her once because they suspected she had poisoned her stepmother. 

And for years Dee Dee made her daughter believe she was a very sick girl. )

In the CHAIN OF IRON case, I think it has to do with power struggles, but I feel Jesse situation resembles Gypsy Rose greatly, except he was the one who ended up dead instead of his mother.) 

WHERE WAS I? OH, YES...  WHY TATIANA WOULD DO THAT TO HER OWN CHILD?

Because she is Benedict daughter 

Just kidding! I know Gideon and Gabriel are amazing fathers. 

Well, we all know Tatiana slowly descended into madness over the years. She never got over her loss and started to hate and blame her brothers (and everyone else that helped to kill her Worm father). Anyway, it is quite obvious she developted a desire for vengeance ever since (Belial even says he killed Barbara because she requested it). But how did Tatiana met Belial in the first place?

Because Tatiana discovered her father notes and started to study dark magic to summon demons herself. (Benedict had known sexual desire for demonic women, so of course he would know how to summon one for himself). Seizing the oportunity, Belial showed himself to her and probably promised a very tempting reward: vengeance against everyone whom she despised and wished to destroy in exchange for help to make James Herondale his ''physical vessel''. 

Belial clearly was the puppet master and probably instructed Tatiana to adopt a young girl who could be used to seduce James in the future and make him vulnerable to his attempt to take over his body (not because the poor Jesse needed company in that creepy house).

That probably explains why Grace received her type of power to make men do her biding but that bit was easy to guess in the previous book. ( it is important to know Grace most likely her powers at age of ten, right after Jesse death). 

For his next step, Belial decided to involve Jesse. He needed a Anchor and Jesse was the perfect choice for the role, if only he were dead... 

But first he had to convince Tatiana to kill him and he knew exactly how... 

Like I said before, I believe Tatiana poisoned her son slowly over the years to make him think he still was unhealthy (maybe she even poisoned him under the guise it was a medicinal remedy for his illness). I think Tatiana did that to keep him under her thumb and prevent him from leaving the house to become a true Shadowhunter (at time of his death, I believe Jesse had a strong desire to leave his home but he stayed anyway to look after his little sister and Tatiana knew it was a matter of time before he left). 

That being said, it wouln’t be too hard for Belial to make Tatiana murder her child if he told her about his plans of bringing Jesse back to life as soon he achieved his goals. 

And that’s all, folks. I’m so sleep deprived these I can’t even think about anything else to say. You are welcome to tell me if this theory sucks. 

[oh-boy-me]

Obey Me! Card Planning Tips

Hello!  This game causes us all a lot of pain and suffering, but I’m MANAGING (?), so I thought I’d give what I’d consider some tips to maybe make things feel slightly more possible for you :)

I’ll split it into three parts and put it all under a read more.

Team Strength Calculation

Team Preparation

General Tips for Resources and Daily DP

Part 1: Team Strength Calculation

Each stage has 2 sins tied to it, as you’ve probably noticed.  In chapters 1-20, the stats of these two sins are boosted for ALL cards (character and support) by 15%.*

In chapters 1-20, your team’s strength is calculated with the following formula:

Strength = 1.15(AttributeSin1Total) + 1.15(AS2Total) + Other5SinsTotal

For example, let’s look at Lesson 10-20, which is a Gluttony/Lust battle.  My team is composed of Pandas Mean Profit (Greed), A Special Ceremony (Lust), and Colorful Panic (Pride).  And I’m using zero support cards just so I only have to add up 3 numbers.

Strength = 1.15(24338) + 1.15(34921) + 122736 = 190884**

Keep in mind that the buffs only apply to the attribute sin scores.  If the battle is Gluttony/Lust, the Pride scores will stay at their base values.  This is the case for all lessons up through chapter 20, both normal and hard mode.

However, from Lesson 21 onwards, there are two changes.  One, there is a primary sin and a secondary sin for each battle, marked by which icon is bigger in the preparation screen.  (There always has been, but now it matters which is which.)  In boss battles, both are primary.  Second, the buffs have changed drastically.

Every card has its main sin, obviously, and its strength in that sin is the strongest.  However, they still have strength in the other 6 sins as well.  There are two non-main sins that a card is very strong in, two that it is average in, and two that it is terrible in.

The percent increase is now dependent on how good a card is in the battle's two attribute sins.  (Remember that these buffs still only affect that sin, not the card’s total strength.)

If a card is the same sin as the battle’s primary sin, that sin gets a 160% buff

If a card is the same sin as the battle’s secondary sin, that sin gets a 90% buff

If a card’s second or third best sin is the battle’s primary sin, that sin gets a 30% buff

If a card’s second or third best sin is the battle’s secondary sin, that sin gets a 10% buff

Any sins lower than third best no longer get a buff

I’m not going to make a formula this time because it’s too long and situational.  But let’s look at that same 3-card team again, this time with Lesson 21-5, a Lust/Gluttony stage in that order.

Pandas Mean Profit has an average Lust score, so it gets no bonus.  Its Gluttony is its 3rd best sin, so that gets a 10% buff (10752 > 11827)

A Special Ceremony is a Lust card, so its Lust gets a 160% buff (17308 > 45000).  Its Gluttony sucks, though, so that doesn’t get a bonus.

Colorful Panic has Lust as its second best sin, so it gets a 30% buff (10423 > 13549).  Gluttony is its third best, so that gets a 10% buff too (9866 > 10852).

With the new system, the team’s Lust score has skyrocketed from 40158 to 65739.  However, its Gluttony score dropped from 27987 to 26399.

This means that the sins of your cards suddenly matter more in battle.  (And honestly I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I know people complain that it makes it harder, but.  If my Comedy team in A3! is made entirely of Action/Drama cards with poor Comedy, I shouldn’t expect that team to do well.  Idk why people think that shouldn’t apply to Obey Me.)  Which brings us to part 2.

By the way, colored glow sticks raise the card’s total strength by 10%, and rainbow glow sticks raise it by 30%.

* It’s actually like 14.99% but it’s effectively the same.  The “slightly under but so close that I’m just rounding for significant figures” thing will be consistent for all of these buffs.

** The actual in-game strength is 190881, 3 points off due to the .99% thing.

Part 2: Team Preparation

I’m so sorry.  But someone has to say it.  Are you listening?  Great.

URs aren’t automatically better than SSRs.  Honestly, they never were.  They ESPECIALLY aren’t now.  You’re not losing the battle because you’re using SSRs.  You’re losing the battle because you’re throwing Wrath cards at a Sloth opponent.

Morning Voice is an Envy SSR card.  My copy of the card is only level 10, and in a Lesson 21+ Envy battle, its Envy score is 6866.

What is my Level 90 UR Colorful Panic’s Envy score in the same battle?

3489.

Colorful Panic is a higher rarity and 80 levels higher.  It has worse Envy.  Why?  Because Envy is its worst sin.

Obviously you aren’t going to be using a level 10 card in a battle, so for a more realistic standpoint, my copy of Resentment Runs Deep (SSR Envy) has 46108 Envy in the same battle.  That’s 13x better than the UR.

I’ll repeat it one more time before I move on.  The sin scores of a card are far more important than the rarity of the card.  A random SR card of the right sin is better than a UR with no sin bonus.  The most impressive thing about a UR is how hard it is to get one.

Anyway, what does this mean?  Is it hopeless?

Well, if you wanted to binge all three seasons within the first month of playing, yes.  But let’s assume that’s not the case.  (Side note, but the feeling that our cards are never good enough is definitely exacerbated by the aggressive speed at which they release new lessons combined with the fandom’s apparent allergy to spoiler warnings, but that’s a point for another post maybe.)

Remember that having URs isn’t actually all that important.  Now remember the sheer amount of SSRs they release since they also aggressively release events.  Also remember that with every 10-pull, you’ll get at least one SSR+.  (Also remember to never do single pulls; they're not worth it at all.)  If you’re really struggling with a lot of battles, here’s how you can improve your scores while focusing on as few cards as possible.

Open an Excel document or Google Sheets page and make a chart that looks something like this:

[Image Description: An 8x8 Excel sheet.  The columns are labelled with each of the seven deadly sins, and the rows are labelled Cards 1 through 3 and Support 1 through 3, with a blank row in between.  The rest of the sheet is blank.]

Now choose a card you want to use.  Doesn’t matter why you want to use it, maybe you like how it looks, maybe you worked really hard to get it, maybe you like its ability, maybe it’s just your current strongest card.  I don’t care.  For my chart I’m gonna use Pandas Mean Profit because it’s really pretty and I got it from the 100-pull pity reward.

Look at your card’s top 3 sins and put them into the chart.  For the character cards, note who the card is, because you can’t double up.  For reference later, also note whether it’s 1st, 2nd or 3rd best.  (Be sure to do this through Contacts and not a battle so there are no buffs skewing the scores.)

Once that’s in, choose another card you like for a different sin and input that card’s top 3 sins.  Envy is still completely empty, so I’ll put Resentment Runs Deep in next.  It’s an SSR, but I really love the Refresh Team ability.  Do this for one character card and one support card of each sin at first, if you can.  It doesn’t matter what level they are right now.  Then fill in whatever blanks you have with cards that specialize in that sin.

If a sin comes up more than 3 times, keep whichever ones are strongest in that sin without overlapping characters.  Play around with it until you get something that works for you.  Keep note of the sins you’re lacking cards for.

[Image Description: The same Excel Sheet as before, except filled in with various Obey Me card names.  The cells in rows 2 through 4 are color coded to match the character of the card.  Each cell marks in parentheses how strong the card is in the sin of the column it’s in from 1 to 3.]

Mine looks like this.  This chart isn’t perfect (if you look, none of my cards had Envy as a good non-main sin, and Pandas and Bunny have too much overlap for the same character), but it works as a rushed example.  I used the cell colors to mark the characters.

Are these the teams you should be using for each battle?  No, obviously not.  First off there’s no single-sin battle, and second off the game will still build the teams for you.

BUT, this greatly lowers the amount of cards you need to pour resources into.  Instead of 42 cards, with this chart I only have to focus on 18 cards in order to be guaranteed that all my cards get at least a SLIGHT boost in each battle.  The best-case scenario would drop it down to 14 cards.

Later on, once you’ve managed the cards on your chart, the next thing to do would be to find main sin cards to replace those that are only third best in their sin.  On mine I’d definitely focus on a Gluttony character card next, but in general Sloth is the one you want to be the most proactive about.

That should help you get through at least Season 2.  Season 3 is admittedly where the difficulty actually IS ridiculous, but Season 2 really isn’t as hard as we’ve been saying.  It just requires more planning than “the first three URs I ever got.”

I do still apologize for the resources and Grimm it’ll take, though :’)

Part 3: General Tips for Resources and Daily DP

This section is just some extra tidbits to help you have the resources to get cards and upgrade them.

[Image Description: The “hard to swallow pills” meme.  The pills read “You don’t need every single card and unless you’re a whale eventually you’re going to have to prioritize some events and ignore others or you’ll never have the resources to improve the cards you already have.”]

However, events ARE good for farming Grimm, so it’s not the end of the world if you want every SSR.  The only issue will come up when you need hard mode items and never have any AP, but it’s manageable.

If you’re going to log in more than once throughout the day, you can do the 2-1 job distribution.  If not, do three jobs with one character each so you get the daily task done

To save money for leveling up your good cards, complete the devil tree daily mission with N-rank cards.

Use vouchers over DP whenever you can (and use Raven to get vouchers).  The 99 DP level-up sale IS worth it if you can afford it, because that’s like 50% off a 10-pull once you do two.

I’m not certain, but I THINK skill level also influences how often an ability activates?  I feel like my Lv 10 SSR cards activate often but my Lv 1 URs never do.  So if you’re relying on an ability, the permanent SSRs might be worth looking at over limited time cards.

Anyway, I hope this helps at all in our mutual suffering.

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 9 - ‘The Kindest of Kisses Break the Hardest of Hearts”

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4 , Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8 (swear I’ll make a masterlist soon)

Summary: Back in London, you find unexpected help in the form of Ives. But when Neil comes back sparks fly... ✨

Warnings: Swearing.

Author’s Notes: So here’s the chapter I’m incredibly excited about... Suppose I should thank Dior for inspiration in this one. Hope you enjoy this as much as I loved writing the last scene! Please let me know what you think!

You did not remember the last time you were this happy to be back in London. After the mission in Paris was done, Jasper went back to Boston, and you were free to do what you wanted. You contacted TP, told him how the mission went (without certain details), and in return, got told to wait for more information regarding the next steps. By your estimation, it was less than two weeks left till Kiev and the day when the mysterious plan will be set into motion. You were scared.

Ever since that day in Paris when Neil called, you had a difficult time maintaining normal conversation with him. He would message asking about something as mundane as how your day went, and you would only respond with a short sentence. You could not really explain it if asked. It was as though after hearing his voice and letting yourself have that conversation with him, all the doubts came back with a tripled strength. Suddenly you could almost believe Jasper and his harsh words suggesting that you were not important in Neil’s eyes. Maybe he just liked flirting, and you were conveniently there? That sounded rather plausible. Ever since you started naming those thoughts, an ache in your chest was hard to ignore. And so you did the best you could, which in this case meant low-key ghosting Neil and losing yourself in training and work. 

Surely with enough time and space, you would get over it (him), right?

That was the state of your mind the day when rather surprising help appeared. You have been back in London for a few days and have not really interacted with anyone. Usually, you would spend two hours in the shooting range and then in a sparring session. After you were done, you would retreat to your room and try to ignore the texts that were still occasionally coming. 

“How’s London treating you? Say hello to Anna from me” you glanced at the screen and frowned.

The instant temptation to text back was still there. Only now, it was tainted with much more anxiety and uncertainty.

“It’s alright, rather quiet. I haven’t seen her around though. Maybe she’s moping after you”

Like I am? You sighed and chose to focus on notes from the physics class. You were saved from the study by an unexpected knock on the door. Without thinking, you got up and opened it, only to see Ives standing there with a cheeky smile on his face.

“Hi” you muttered, worried you have forgotten how to behave like a human being.

“Hello, love” he grinned “Hope I’m not interrupting anything?”

“No, I was actually rather bored” you admitted with a sheepish smile.

You heard the distinct buzz of a text message but chose to ignore it. You were slowly getting better at the game. 

“That’s terrific because I thought we could have a coffee in the canteen and chat” Ives’ thick cockney accent was somewhat adorable.

And you could definitely do with a distraction.

“I’d love that” you beamed back at him and left the room, locking the door behind you.

As you walked side by side along the corridor, you struggled to say something.

“How did you know I’m here?” finally you settled for a rather easy question.

“I’ve seen you at the shooting range in the morning” he watched you closely for a short moment “You’re fucking amazing, did you know that?”

“Oh no, I’m really not” you felt your face heat up.

“Yeah you are” he playfully nudged you in the side “You could probably teach me a thing or two”.

You glared at him and then quickly considered your options.

“Only if you taught me how not to be knocked out within the first two minutes of the hand in hand combat” you knew you could use help in that department.

“Deal?” Ives stopped and turned to you with an outstretched hand.

“Deal” you shook it with a grin.

Once you made it to the mess hall, you noticed with relief that it was rather quiet. You both made coffee and sat down at the table in the corner. After a few moments of comfortable silence when you sipped your drinks, Ives spoke up:

“What have you been up to?” he was eyeing you curiously.

Even though you barely knew him, you felt at ease. There was no enigma of TP to him or Neil’s intensity. Instead, he was just a friendly bloke with sharp wits.

“Oh you know, shit mission in New York and now even shittier one in Paris” you frowned at the fresh memories “Though I suppose the recent one at least ended with success” you mused.

It was true not all of your missions have ended with a huge fuck up. And that was somewhat encouraging.

“With Jasper?”

“Yeah” your frown deepened, and Ives grinned.

“My condolences. He’s a right pain in the ass”

“Well said” you laughed, finally feeling some of the tension of the last few days dissolve.

But it was not meant to be for long. Before either of you spoke again, you heard your phone buzz. You took it out of the pocket and glanced at the received text. It was him, of course. You grimaced and placed the phone screen down on the table as if to avoid the temptation. All the while you felt Ives’s attentive gaze. He has not missed a thing.

“Neil?” he asked, watching you closely with a neutral face.

“Yeah…” you shrugged, avoiding his stare “I’ll probably sound pathetic… but do you know where he is?”

Once the question was out of your mouth, you felt your cheeks heat up. It was one thing to worry about him daily. Another to actually voice the worries. But Ives did not seem to mind. He quickly considered something before leaning over the table.

“He’s in India, dealing with some sudden disruption. I was there with him in the beginning” at your unspoken question, he added “He’s fine, often said that’s partially thanks to you” he eyed you carefully, and you looked down at the table, flustered.

“It’s more that if I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t even need help in the first place” you mumbled, feeling the guilt gnaw at your heart.

Still, sometimes you kept wondering why on earth had he decided to shield you back in the bar. But any possible answer to the question meant having to assume something about Neil’s intentions. And that was dangerous territory.

“Should I ask?” Ives’ question brought you back to the present moment.

“Better not” you smiled wryly, and he just nodded.

“He wouldn’t shut up about you sometimes, you know” he spoke up again after a short silence, making you look up.

You were not sure you liked the cheeky smirk that appeared on Ives’ face. You were not going to give in.

“He’ll get over it in no time, I’m sure” you feigned nonchalance as you finished your coffee and met his gaze.

“Are you two good?”

You just shrugged. To be frank, you had no clue how to answer that. Was there even such an entity as ‘you two’ when it came to you and Neil?

“Well, whatever is going on, know that I’m ready to slap some sense into him if needed” Ives grinned at you, and you beamed back.

“Appreciated”

The next few minutes passed in companionable silence. That is until your brain rudely decided to suggest another pressing question.

“Is he there… alone?” you cringed as soon as you said it aloud.

No point in trying to sound disinterested…

“Nah, Wheeler stayed with a couple of others” his stare was way too knowing.

You felt a sharp stab of pain in your heart. What even… There was no reason to be jealous. Right? As you were internally debating what the new feelings were supposed to mean, you failed to notice Ives’ grinning at your distress.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous” he was enjoying it way too much.

“What? No, I’m not” you tried to scoff at this insinuation but failed miserably.

“Yeah, you are” that’s how you learnt that Ives had his own version of a shit-eating grin.

Was that a part of the Tenet work application?

“Mate, Neil and Wheeler wouldn’t fuck each other even if I paid them. But I’ve seen the way he looks at you” Ives wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and you groaned.

You glared at him, unable to come up with any good response.

“What? I may have only seen you two together once, but it was clear to me that dear Neil is interested. Very much so” he smirked at your wide-eyed stare “But I don’t think that’s in any way news for you” he squinted his eyes as though trying to see right through your soul.

“Please, let’s leave psychoanalysis for another date” you grabbed the phone from the table and looked at him pleadingly.

“Of course” he grinned “When shall we have our first sparring lesson?”

“Tomorrow morning. Be there at 9” you got up “Thanks for the chat”

“Anytime, love” he waved as you left the canteen.

*** Combat lessons with Ives have proven to be a gift from the gods in the days that followed. He would accompany you to the shooting range afterward as well under the pretence of wanting to learn from you. Even though you were sure it was utter bullshit as he could hit the marks as well as you, if not better, you appreciated the sentiment. To say that his help in the sparring sessions meant you have greatly improved would be an overstatement, but certainly, additional tips slowly started to make a difference. All that distraction meant you also spent much less time wondering about Neil’s whereabouts and asking yourself existential questions about your own feelings. That was probably the best outcome of the situation.

Another morning of the sparring session began with you and Ives meeting in the gym as usual. 

“Did you sleep well?” he asked as you entered the gym.

“More or less” you grinned, stifling a yawn.

Last night you spent way too much time overthinking the text exchange with Neil. All it took was for him to mention ‘the fun you had in New York’ and then compare it to the recent night undercover. To you, it meant that Jasper was right, and you were just another ‘flirting companion’. And that shit hurt.

“That will have to do then” he tossed a water bottle in your direction, and you caught it easily.

You set it down on the side and the mat and stood facing Ives. After a short warm-up, he began showing you the way of blocking punches aimed at your upper body. While the demonstration always looked easy, once you went onto the practice, you have begun to struggle. After getting a third light punch to the shoulder, you huffed:

“Maybe I should just give up and become a sniper” you rubbed the aching spot.

“That could work” he grinned “Though I’m not sure how Neil would feel about that career change”

“Fuck Neil” you made sure to put up your guard, expecting another punch.

“I see how it is” Ives smirked before he threw a hit towards your other shoulder.

This one you blocked. And the one afterward as well. Slowly, with only a few mistakes, you got the hang of the game. That is until you were interrupted by someone clearing their throat by the door. You both turned to see Anna standing there.

“Y/N, can I speak to you for a moment?” she sent you a fake smile.

Christ…

“Of course”

You looked at Ives with panic in your eyes before you followed her into the corridor. Anna was clearly uncomfortable with having to talk to you, and that did not ease the tension.

“What’s the matter?” you spoke up first, hating the awkwardness of the moment.

“Neil called me yesterday” she paused, and you frowned.

“Yeah?” if she wanted to torture you, she has succeeded.

“He wanted me to let you know that they got Steiner in New York” despite Anna’s best attempts at keeping her face neutral, you knew she was enjoying this.

“Okay, thanks” you smiled weakly, trying to ignore the jealousy building up in your chest.

“Oh, and he says he should be back next week” now she was smiling dazzlingly.

“Great” you mumbled and showed her your brightest grin “Thank you”

With that, you chose to end the tortures for you both and went back into the gym. At Ives’ questioning stare, you just glared. He understood instantly.

“Fuck Neil?” he offered you a sip from the water bottle, which you gladly accepted.

“Mhmm”

There was so much to unpack from what Anna told you. Partially, you knew your ghosting was to be blamed for the situation but still, it hurt. Especially the unspoken fact that Neil has called her. You knew you were being ridiculous but could not ignore the feelings that were attacking every fibre of your being.

“Ready for another round?” Ives looked at you worriedly.

“Absolutely”

*** A few days later, as you left a meeting covering suspicious activity around London, your head was most certainly elsewhere. Ever since the awkward situation with Anna, you were not sure what to do with yourself. Only carefree moments were those you spent in the shooting range or learning hand to hand combat with Ives, who was surprisingly great at distracting you.

Walking along the corridor, you were too busy worrying about all those texts you have ignored to see where you were going. With eyes trained on the floor, you barely registered the surroundings. And that is why you were incredibly surprised when you unexpectedly collided with something solid standing on your path.

“Fuck” you muttered before slowly realising that you have, in fact, walked into a person.

You felt someone’s hands reach out to steady you by wrapping around your waist. The next thing you registered was the smell. A very familiar one that you have tried to repress from memory for the past few weeks. You felt panic surge through your whole body before you let out a long exhale and lifted your head.

“Didn’t expect our reunion to be that dramatic, but I’m not complaining” Neil grinned at you with that smug look on his face you have grown to hate.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you” you choose to stare at his tie.

A nice burgundy one which he has worn in New York, during the mission. At the memory, your cheeks grew somehow warmer, and you squeezed your eyes shut, hoping to be swallowed by the earth. But to no avail.

“Are you alright?” his voice broke through the increasing paralysis.

“Yeah” you forced yourself to look up at him again.

The concern in his eyes only made your desire to run stronger. But his grip on your waist was unyielding. You were acutely aware of standing in the middle of the corridor. Anyone could pass by and see you like that. But it looked like Neil did not care.

“I tried calling you last night” his voice was tense.

Shit.

“Sorry I was busy” you were a terrible liar.

And, of course, he saw right through you. You noticed how the look in his eyes went from concern to serious worry, and you desperately wanted to flee the scene. He was studying your face, and you tried to look anywhere but at him. After a beat, he must have found some answers in your conflicted expression because he relaxed the grip on your waist, giving you a way out.

“If I said anything wrong…” you were thrown off by the slightly wounded look in his eyes.

Now that you actually could run away, you did not want to. Not without making sure he understood.

“You haven’t” you took a deep breath, trying to calm the racing heart “It’s… just things that Jasper said and stuff… it made me think” you mentally groaned, annoyed at how you could not form a coherent sentence.

But Neil understood as he nodded and reached for your hand. You let him lead you to a quieter spot in the adjacent corridor. You were still paralyzed with conflicting feelings, but now also curious. The voice in the back of your head kept on reminding you how much you have missed him. You had your back pressed against the wall and stared as he slowly stepped closer, making your personal space non-existent. It was suddenly hard to think about the reasons why you should not let him be this close. The look in his eyes was unreadable to you.

“I don’t know what that idiot told you or what’s going on in your head, but it’s all wrong” you felt his free hand slide up your arm to rest on your neck and gently caress the skin there.

It was embarrassing how you responded to his touch with your body tensing and goosebumps appearing where his fingers made contact with your skin. It was hard to lie, even to yourself.

“Why should I believe you?” your voice sounded breathless already.

You knew you should have never let him get this close before you talked. But still, the way he looked at you was surprising. Any train of thought was interrupted when he brushed the pad of his thumb over your lower lip. His eyes were darker than usual, and the intensity of his gaze alone made the flutters in your stomach appear.

“I’ve got a few reasons”

Gently he tilted your chin and covered your lips with his. You gasped at the contact and felt him smile against your mouth. Then, as though a switch was flipped, Neil started kissing you hungrily, and you responded in kind, letting your teeth graze his lower lip. When his hand wrapped around your neck, you felt lightheaded and breathless. But still, you deepened the kiss, making all the feelings you have tried to stifle lead the moment. It was scaringly easy to do. Only once you felt like you had no breath left, you broke the kiss and stared back at Neil with a dazed expression. That was not what you expected from your reunion.

“Hope that beat whatever Jasper had to offer you” he grinned, and you enjoyed the sight of his subtly swollen lips.

“Please don’t remind me” surprisingly, you could still form a sentence.

But that ability was soon to be gone as you watched mischievous sparks shine in his eyes. His lips curled into a smirk, and you knew you were fucked. In every meaning of the word. Before you could react, he leaned in closer again, kissed the corner of your mouth before leaving a trail of kisses down to your jawline, and then crook of the neck.

“Neil…” you breathed out, trying to somehow stop the situation from getting out of your hands.

“Yes?” he interlocked his fingers with yours, pinning your joined hands to the wall.

Perfect leverage. Thinking was getting increasingly difficult.

“I… I’ve missed you” that was not exactly what you wanted to say.

You heard him chuckle with his lips brushing the skin on your neck.

“Quite right” he kissed the spot beneath your ear “Too”.

You sighed at the sensation, tightening the grip on his hand and letting your other palm splay on his chest. Through the fabric of his shirt, you could feel the fast heartbeat. It was somewhat encouraging to know that it was not just your heart that was beating wildly. He was kissing your neck with something akin to reverence, which made you feel faint. The traces of reason left in your brain started screaming for attention.

“Neil” you huffed, annoyed at how you were unable to voice the mess of thoughts.

Slowly he lifted his head and looked back at you.

“I really like how you say my name” the roguish grin that began it all was back to haunt you “So breathless” his voice was huskier than usual.

He wanted to kill you, evidently.

You met his gaze helplessly, feeling vulnerable with how he could see right through you. He looked almost fascinated by your stunned expression. Then his eyes softened.

“I missed you too” you felt his hand travel down your body to settle on the hip “So much”.

That admission was all it took for you to lose it. Again. You leaned in and initiated another kiss, unable to deny the need you felt. Neil was ready as he easily matched the tempo you have set. This time neither of you wanted to rush it. Instead, you kissed slowly and delicately, enjoying the careless moment. You tangled your hand in his blonde strands, tugging lightly to bring him even closer. He groaned at the sensation, making you feel a new kind of tension. You wanted him to make that sound again. But before you could find ways of achieving that, on the periphery of your attention, you heard the distinctive sound of footsteps approaching fast. Then they stopped abruptly and were replaced with a shocked gasp.

You opened your eyes and found yourself staring straight at Anna. Fuck. She was frozen in the spot three meters away and had a bewildered expression on her face. You knew there was no way in hell she has not realised what was going on. You could only watch as her face scrunched up in a scowl before she turned on her heels and almost ran back down the corridor. That image was enough to help you wake up from the daze. Gently you disentangled from Neil, who looked confused. Despite the reality of the situation downing on you, you grinned seeing his ruffled hair and disoriented gaze.

“Well done, now Anna hates me” you warily eyed the corridor before settling your eyes on him again.

You watched as he slowly absorbed the information, frowned, and then brightened up again when he met your gaze.

“Pretty sure she did already” he eyed you carefully as though assessing the state he brought you to.

Conscious of how you looked, you smoothed your hair and patted your blazed cheeks. There was no pretending that nothing happened, even if you wanted to.

“Why?” you arched your eyebrow at the implication.

“You know why” he just smiled as though it explained everything.

You didn’t know why. At all. You watched as he ruffled his hair even further by combing a hand through it, and your eyes settled on the exposed forearm and rolled up sleeves. For some reason seeing him like that was very thought-provoking. You knew he caught your stare when you heard him chuckle.

“Like what you see?” it was that smug smirk again.

You could not help but roll your eyes at him. This time the voice of reason was not so easily ignored.

“We really should talk before…” you did not even want to finish the sentence.

“Before?” Neil took a step closer again.

“Before we do something much more reckless than… this” you gestured vaguely and took a step back.

“Would that really be so bad?” he bit his lip and eyed you curiously again.

You have had enough. Placing a hand on his chest, you pushed him back. That clearly surprised him.

“Let’s just talk. Please” you put on your best puppy eyes just for him.

That did the job. Thankfully.

“Couldn’t say no to that” he grinned and took your hand in his “C’mon”

Now you just had to figure out what to tell him. The only issue was that you had no idea about how you felt… Fun.

[seddm]

What did you think about the s2 finale of Amphibia if you've gotten there yet? If not its all good!

AMPHIBIA S2 FINALE SPOILERS BELOW

I liked it a lot, it made me feel a particular kind of "hype" and interest I hadn't felt for an episode of something since SVTFOE, even if at a fraction of a fraction of the intensity (something that doesn't correlate to the objective or even perceived quality of the show at all, Star was the outlier experience in my life). It has some pacing issues in the first half, most things happen too fast up to Andrias being freed from prison, I feel like it'd have benefited greatly from being a two parts finale, or even just a 30 something minutes long episode, but that's super rare on mainstream channels since it's hard to air reruns, only Disney example I can think of it A Tale Of Two Stans from Gravity Falls. Pacing in the second part greatly improves, and it feels more like they chose what to put in the latter part of the episode, to then fit what they could in the first one. I'm assuming there's some studio-related bullshittery going on here rather than a conscious decision on the team's side (after all the episode is almost 25 minutes long so it seems they tried to squeeze every ounce of budget and timeslot they could).

As for the plot and characters arcs and all that, good stuff. We could all more or less see where Sasha and Marcy's parts where going - without knowing the details obviously, and Andria's reveal wasn't that big of a surprise, given, you know,

but as in most things execution is what matters the most, and Anne's reaction to both her friends' "betrayals" had emotional weight to spare, and it's interesting to see the degrees of "how messed up is this girl?" in relation to their experiences in a new world and or flaws (and screentime, obviously, but that's a given):

Anne found a supportive and loving second family and, as of Battle of the Bands, as so subtly implied by her song, she fully embraced and accepted the kind of person she has grown to be: her arc is obviously not done, with one more season left and a looot of emotions she and her friends need to deal with, but she seems to be fully equipped to potentially deal with everything the story might throw at her now (with all the realizations and pains and epiphanies she's undoubtedly going to go through).

Sasha found an enabler in the others toads, feeding on her desire to always be in control and on top of things, but she also found real friends who understand her and worry about her, and I'm sure she and Grimes are going to help each other become better persons.

Marcy found a manipulator who preyed on her biggest fears and... well...

I'm sure S3 is not going to be THAT plot heavy and the majority of episodes are going to be on the sillier side and a lot of lore hooks are never going to be solved, but I feel like Amphibia might stick the plot-related landing better than most comparable series did in the recent past, so far they ran a tight ship. As for the character arcs, I'm sure all the girls are gonna be able to become better and healthier friends once everything is said and done, and I'm very curious to see what they're going to do with Andrias: they made clear parallels between him and the girls, with being betrayed and hurt by one's friends, and he seems to be working for something bigger than him, so there might be more than blind ambition and lust for power behind the character, but chances for redemption get slimmer when you were more than eager to murder a toddler...

It's a pity they had to show earlier than they wanted the S3 intro because Disney is full of pathetic and cowardly higher ups, thus partially spoiling Marcy's fate (it's obvious she wasn't gonna die-die for real, but it'd still have been nicer to be left in the complete dark about her fate until S3), but I'm glad we got to see that Sprig, Hop Pop and Polly are going to interact with Anne's family, and it's not going to be (at least not for most of the season) a "ET hidden in the closet" kind of situation.

At least not with her family.

To conclude, an excellent season finale with a gutsy cliffhanger and big hooks not just for the plot, but for the characters as well.

I wonder if and how they're gonna handle Anne's reunion with her family from their point of view she disappeared for like six months that should leave some kind of mental trauma.

Also the series better end with a permanent and easy way of travel between Earth and Amphibia, I'm not here for some weak kind of bittersweet finale where the characters have to let go of their loved ones but they'll never forget what they experienced and what they learned, I'm here for a REAL MEN finale where Anne can jump over to Amphibia to play bugball after school and Wally can get arrested by LAPD for public intoxication.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X8

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I freakin’ loved this episode! It was so so good! Which surprised me considering what they focused on. Based on the promo I knew that this would be DeLuca’s goodbye episode and so I expected to like the other parts of the episode we were shown in the promo such as Hayes talking to Meredith at her bedside, Richard’s storyline, and Derek’s return. However, I was not expecting to enjoy any part of DeLuca’s farewell storyline and I was pleasantly surprised. I think that’s because they focused on the effects of grief and guilt and how everyone processes those emotions differently.

It was a really interesting character study on how each person feels a loss in their own way. Despite not liking the character I actually found DeLuca’s memorial service quite moving. I think it was because they found a creative way to do it and because funerals in the real world like we normally do aren't possible right now. My grandfather died last summer and while he didn’t want a funeral my family and I weren’t able to get together to mourn his loss as we usually would and that’s been hard.

I wasn’t particularly close with my grandfather, but the loss of traditional grieving rituals in this time of COVID-19 has been frustrating. I liked that they found a creative way to have the characters mourn the loss of a fellow staff member. I expected to see Carina more, but as I understand it her storyline played out more on Station 19 which makes sense. I felt like they did a good job of showing the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and how everyone experiences them differently.

Teddy and Owen displayed survivors' guilt and frustration that they did everything right and he still died. At the end we see Teddy in a catatonic state and it made me think that she might be sick with COVID herself or that there was something else wrong. While I've never been a Teddy and Owen shipper I did like the moment at the end where Owen noticed something was wrong and came over to her and told her that he would take her home and when she didn't respond he picked her up and carried her.

It reminded me of the Season 2 episode where Denny dies and Izzie refuses to leave his side so Alex picks her up and carries her over to a chair in her prom dress. Very different relationships, but a nice parallel in my opinion. This episode had a lot of those. Teddy seeing DeLuca in other people’s faces was freaky! I have to say that guy is way more interesting as a ghost then he ever was alive.  

I totally got Helm's reaction. I understand why she said and thought those horrible things about DeLuca. He was an ass for a really long time. I probably would have done the same thing myself, but that doesn't mean she wanted him dead. I thought what Maggie did for her was wonderful. My heart broke for Schmitt when he described his emotions. Richard was angry and Bailey went overboard trying to figure out what happened. Everyone's experience of a loss is different and I like that they showed that.

I’m glad that Richard told Bailey what she needed to hear. It was painful, but in trying to find an answer or a reason for what happened she was unintentionally hurting the people around her who were suffering too. The strength of Richard and Bailey's relationship is that they can tell each other the truth when no one else can or will. I loved his monologue to Catherine about trying to find a meaning in the puzzle of life and questioning his faith which is such a big part of his sobriety. James Pickens Jr. did a beautiful job in that scene.

Say what you want about Catherine, but I loved her response. Richard was trying to find meaning in the meaningless and in response she shared with him that her latest scans showed that the cancer hadn’t grown. Logically it should have, but it didn’t. Sometimes there are miracles and sometimes there are senseless deaths. Life is a puzzle. We don’t always understand it. That was exactly what Richard needed to hear in that moment.

On a more upbeat note, I loved the beach scenes this week! They were perfect! They were everything I dreamed of for my favourite characters and more! We got to see Derek and Meredith get closer and talk about the kids. When Meredith is heartbroken that Derek never got to meet Ellis or to know her he tells her all of these wonderful things about her. How she’s just like Meredith and makes it clear that he’s watching over them always.

He talks about Zola and how she writes to him in her journal and how Meredith taught her to ride a bike. I teared up! I've been waiting for them to discuss the kids and here it is! Hearing Derek talk about Ellis and knowing that he watches over Meredith and the kids was so emotional for me. I loved hearing him describe who she is and getting to learn more about her. I'm glad he encouraged her to go back. As much as Derek and Meredith miss each other she's needed back in the land of the living.

Her kids need her and so does everyone else. I loved Derek's gentle teasing. His facial expressions. And then there are her scenes with Hayes! God they were perfect! I've been waiting for this! I loved how Meredith kept joyfully asking him what he did to make Ellis smile so wide and laugh so loudly. She knows he can't hear her yet there she is dying to know what he said or did. The sound of her voice when she said that was everything for me. They already feel like a couple. So much in sync.

I love that Derek, who was shown to be extremely jealous in life, encouraged her to hear Hayes out. I really felt like he was giving her his blessing and the fact that they established that Hayes has met the kids virtually and they know who he is sealed the deal for me. Hayes has now received Cristina’s approval, Derek’s blessing, and is shown to have positive relationships with Meredith’s friends and family in Seattle. I loved that Hayes told Meredith to fight and talked about how her kids were doing and how everyone needs her.

I loved that he came and sat at her bedside and begged her to fight and not give up and that he talked to her even though he wasn’t sure if she could hear him. I love that he sat with her through the virtual memorial even though he wasn’t close to DeLuca and didn’t like him. The cheerful greeting and familiarity with which he greets Amelia and Zola and the stories he tells Meredith indicates that he’s been having regular video chats with Amelia, Maggie, Link, and the kids and that he’s chosen to stay by Meredith’s side when he just as easily could have left while she was on a call with her kids.  

It will also make the transition easier when do start dating because the kids will already know him. The music in this episode was really beautiful. Especially the songs that played during the beach scenes. I really enjoyed the drunken Link, Jo, and Jackson scene. I felt it brought much needed levity and humour to the episode the same way the beer scene with Jackson, Link, and Winston did in the previous episode. Their scenes were funny and raw and provided a good balance for the episode.

I also loved seeing more of Jo and Jackson's friends with benefits relationship and more of Jo and Link and Jackson and Link's friendship. I'd actually forgotten that Jackson and Link were friends so it was cool to see that dynamic again and that Link is supportive of their situation. The drinking game to me felt like a throwback to the Season 2 episode where Meredith and Cristina are at Joe’s Bar playing a game of whose life sucks the most and she tells them that Derek is married and Cristina tells her she’s pregnant. These revelations eventual lead to Cristina scheduling an abortion and declaring Meredith her person.

It was cool to see Maggie and Winston working together at Grey Sloan Memorial. Winston living in Boston was only going to go on for so long because as we've all found out this past year there's only so much you can do virtually. I knew he'd be moving to Seattle at some point and I'm glad to see him working at the hospital and hanging with Maggie's family. The scene where he danced it out with the kids was too cute! I'll be interested to see more of their dynamic moving forward as Maggie used to be his teacher and is now his boss. I'm also glad that both Winston and Hayes are finally getting the proper screen time they deserve.

Their storyline with the naked guy cracked me up! My two favourite lines of the episode were when the guy freaked out because he realized he wasn’t wearing his mask and Maggie said, “You’re not wearing much of anything.” And when Maggie and Winston went looking for him and Zander Perez, the resident from Pac North, told them, “If you’re looking for a naked guy he went that way.” I laughed so hard!

The scenes with Zola got me. She is a real trouper. She definitely is Meredith Grey's daughter through and through. I'm a big believer in found family and one of the things Grey's does really is show that there are many different ways to be a family and that family is what you make of it. True family is made up of the people who love and support you unconditionally not genetics. I really love that they've shown the strength of that bond between Zola and her family.

My favourite hidden moment of the episode was Tom! He appears in the background at DeLuca's memorial which means he's getting better. If he's well enough to be outside at the memorial then his condition has greatly improved since last we saw and that's great! Tom's a wonderfully complex character and I'm glad he's doing better. He appears in a bunch of deleted scenes that were released through the Grey’s Anatomy Twitter account which I highly recommend. The writing in this episode was excellent!

This episode was written by Adrian Wenner whose previous credits include the Season 16 episode ‘A Hard Pill to Swallow’ in which Meredith and Hayes work that vaping case together and get to know each for the first time. Honestly, my only complaint about this episode is that I wish they’d done it sooner! I wish they had bumped this and the previous episode up. The Mid-Season Finale felt very anti-climatic to me and was poorly received by a lot of fans. I wish they had just scrapped that episode or combined it with what we saw in the Mid-Season Premiere and then jumped into this episode after the break. But we’re here now and that’s the important thing.

Onto next week’s promo. Damn does it look interesting! We see that Owen has brought Teddy home and she’s not eating or speaking and he’s worried if her condition does not improve he’ll have to admit her. I’m sure he’s having flashbacks to when Cristina did the same thing after the plane crash. She appears to be experiencing some kind of nightmare sequence where she sees DeLuca as a ghost and Meredith speaks to her. Looks intense!

Until next time!