#my resentments getting smaller
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By h.j
#not a writer#that is obvious#not a poet#writerscommunity#that is much more obvious#short poem#my poem#it’s 3:52#needed and outlet#I love my mom<3#also I’ve never said that to her#I hate my mom#but I’ve actually never hated her#I resent my mom#my resentments getting smaller#I’ve forgiven her a thousand times#I want to grow old with her#I want to drink tea on some abandoned beach when I’m 40 years old with her#I wished she loved me without the guilt#okay…hmmm enough
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I came up with Floyd's (other) ex band mates and then I went a little insane about them. . . Anyway they're all alternative trolls who adopted him into their group. They play nu metal at underground gigs but mostly they just go to raves and get stoned out of their gourds.
original photos under the cut
I googled "90s rave photos" and had such a hard time choosing which to draw. i might make more of them in the future...
#exhibit A of why floyd also deserves branch's resentment#my guy was living his best worst life#trolls#dreamworks trolls#trolls 3#trolls band together#trolls floyd#ex bandmates#trolls oc#alternative troll#les#hed#liv#riff#those are their names#if they get some love i will introduce them more properly in a different post#they all live in a van together and travel around. similar to JD's rv but smaller and i imagine it's bug inspired#maybe i should draw it#my art#I am so proud of these fr. some actually feel like old photos#some of these are supposed to be years apart#floyd is definitely the oldest in the second to last one. i imagine he's in his 20s in that one#and he's only around 14/15 in the last one#...yes they are all a terrible influence on him#90s rave#old photos#90s photos
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Hey, jw, does anyone need a roommate or wouldn't mind a stray dog crashing on your couch, last night and especially today have been the worst
#Its the like#Being excluded from activities but being drawn in to all day long bickering#To the point where I'm so done with it all that just being around anyone is too much#Idk man#I need to get out of this house#I need to get my own apartment just baseline#Like this much constantly being triggered here is not good and causes lowkey resentments and bad feelings#I think if I had my own place and like dealing with this was in smaller doses#Id be okay#But I can't afford it here lmao#And idk#I just dont ever know if Ill ever be able to live on my own again#Feeling discouraged man
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My dnd game today got called off without me getting a heads up, I was just sitting in front of my discord for 20 minutes like an idiot, and my hair is ratty and I can't find my hairbrush and my friend's gonna be here in just a couple minutes but at least he's coming, that wasn't a sure thing until just now. Ended up being a little too disabled in front of my roommates too many days in a row and now the vibes are off and I didn't have the energy to clean my space so if my friend does show up we gotta hang out in the common area bc my basement is full of dog shit I can't touch and my room is a mess, like an actual one, and I would really just like to have a little vacation from my life. Idk I feel like a lot of the stuff that normally I keep in place is just unraveling a little bit.
#faer personal files#fatigue files#i dropped chicken wings on the floor along with my plate which thankfully didn't break and then later i couldn't process words#that it turned out weren't even spoken to me so i could've just let it go. idk there's an amount where people start getting uncomfortable#unless they're really good about this stuff already. which like. i have 2 non disabled irl friends who are good about it#everybody else who's good about it has their own maladies#and the roomies are not bad about it! they never pressure me to do stuff i can't do i have a much smaller slice of chores etc#there's no resentment about what i can't do but like. stuff that's actively visible vs passively there is different#it's just hard sometimes and i'm annoyed bc it was stuff i usually compensate for more gracefully and i was just having an off day#idk i can normally balance everything better figuratively if not literally i'm just sick of being a struggler#ANYWAY thank you for letting me have sad little rat hours here so i can go out and be cool and sexy in the real world instead of crying abt#the horrors and whatnot
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uhm! garden song appreciation
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punisher is so very sam and frodo coded to me
#someday I'm gonna live in your house up on the hill#the doctor put her hands over my liver and she told me my resentment's getting smaller#whatever she wants whatever you want whatever she wa#and you had to go i know i know i know#yeah I guess the end is here#etc.#punisher#phoebe bridgers#samfrodo#samwise gamgee#frodo baggins#lotr
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Thelma (2017) is soooo garden song by Phoebe bridgers
#the doctor put her hands over my liver she told me my resentments getting smaller no I’m not afraid of hard work I get everything I want#also when I grow up I’m gonna look up from my phone and see my life and it looks just like a recurring dream I’m at the movies#I don’t remember what I’m seeing the screen turns into a title wave then it’s a dorm room like a hedge maze and when I find you#you touch my leg and I insist but I wake up before we do it#Thelma 2017#garden song#pheobe bridgers
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gripping the edge of the sink saying this to myself with gritted teeth the doctor put her hands over my liver, she told me my resentment’s getting smaller - no, i’m not afraid of hard work…
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zelink are so garden song coded I'm in tears
#specifically zelda's pov i think#someone get me off spotify please#someday I'm gonna live in your house up on the hill... and when your skinhead neighbor goes missing I'll plant a garden in the yard...#I grew up here til it all went up in flames except the notches in the doorframe!!#I don't know when you got taller see our reflection in the water!!!#I don't know how but I'm taller it must be something in the water!!! everything's growing in our garden#you don't have to know that it's haunted...#the doctor put her hands over my liver she told me my resentment's getting smaller!! no I'm not afraid of hard work I get everything I want#I have everything I wanted!!
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I have yet to keep inspecting the sweepstakes, I need some air and food first, but I might as well share what I've been thinking about Mike today, because I heard of an interpretation saying Mike was a camera man for Spamton which ... Is very interesting. Like for me this makes me think of Mike as someone who admired Spamton, someone way smaller than him, definitely younger imo, who simply excitedly followed along with the orders given. I mean, up to a certain point. I mean this feeling is reinforced in the q&a when asked about Mike, that makes Spamton get very defensive, almost protective. In my eyes it almost creates this almost platonic familiar bond dynamic whatever. But like this is just a shot in the dark, bc what we know is, 3 lines, period. But if when chapter 3, 4 and 5 come out and Mike is there and I'm right about these things then I'm gonna feel like a god tbh.
#luly talks#not gonna put this one on main tag bc its a bit too vague and speculative and shit but im leaving rbs on in case some1 is like hm ur into#something here nemo im which case i will wag my tail and bat my eyelashes#but am i making sense anyway?#like just to make sure: my idea of mike is a camera man younger and smaller than Spamton who admired the guy#and spamton out of idk fondness bc he reminded him of his old self kinda took the guy under his wing in a way#that's why he's so protective and shit#although unrelated to this bc just. putting that there and NOT touching it but it's interesting what Spammy says right after name dropping#mike if you believe in the cameraman interpretation (which i saw in a video i then stopped watching bc i wanted to explore that shit myself)#bc he right after says to not believe anything you see on tv but this could easily imply mike did do his part but the editing team changed#shit. but its just very curious what involvement Mike could've had because. why would he be as targeted as he appears to be?#and what caused him to also abandone spamton? is mike even fucking alive? judging by Spammy's q&a dialogue you'd assume he is#but i mean that's official but not canon right so it's a bit hard to judge?#but Mike seems to be the only one he isn't really resentful towards for leaving him almost implying it wasn't Mike's choice?#i just can't wait to see more of this bc it's gonna reveal a whole side to this little puppet previously unknown#in fact i think that after breathing some air im gonna go look at the snowgrave neo fight flavor text and cry and piss and etc#I'm still not over spamton begs the audience to stop taking the furniture i can see the poor guy being evicted as he tries to plead not to#so vividly wugh. my poor little guy of questionable morals . . . 😢#also don't get me started on the commemorative ring man what on earth is going on there.........
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1985 by bo burnham is an nbd song for reasons that an animatic would explain grrhrjrkr
#shakes table#this song with them specifically has been rotating in my brain since we first started to flesh out their character#it’s about. the slight resentment towards nb and barbatos#(by slight it’s a quite a lot)#i like to imagine they maybe made statues in their honor alongside the big barbatos one#except these ones are more smaller and human sized#ones you might see in a park!#something ven making sure his friends get the credit they deserve#OUGH#nbd rotating in the brain love you ya funky little resentful bard#lantern says stuff
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garden song . yeah
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i just think hes neat
#im basically just broly if he was smaller and shorter and whinier with elf ears#so what im saying is im basically broly and kish fused dsfnbvsvdhgfshgdgfhv#kish minus all the weird creepy shit#maybe links in there too. oh oh and beast boy obvs.#idk who else#maybe a hint of goku bc im worried i have the same dumb drive to challenge myself and push my limits or whatever#at least i wont endanger my family............................................................ right? right???#my bf was wondering why i identify w broly bc of him blowing up that one planet or whatever#(never mind the entire galaxy he blew up tho ig) but thats obviously not the reason.#its the whole 'becoming an invincible destructive force of nature that has bouts of wanting to Break Things often and usually bc#of being pushed to that edge by other people' thing#you dont get it u-u i need to go to one of those places where i can SMASH shit u--u. im just that kinda guy u---u.#and sometimes it is fun to imagine smashing ur enemies even though you probably would never do that and in fact imagining it#satisfies you enough kinda deal yaknow#as cheesy and on brand as it is for me rn i just love destroying shit and i always have im sorry im this way blame god ik i have been#maybe he shouldnt have made the sound of rocks crumbling and glass breaking etc sound so good huh? ya ever think of that??#anyways i find when i suppress these emotions it just boils up until i explode which i think only leads to more of a chance of me actually#hurting someone instead. when i pretend to be cute and flowery and people pleasey- it only makes me more resentful. but thats the#only version of me people seem willing to tolerate. and i dont think they realize how much THAT makes me resent them too#im not an innocent frail delicate uwu bean i will literally eat you 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪#idk. its not like i want ppl to fear me either. but sometimes it feels like thats the only way to stop ppl from disrespecting me#maybe if ppl didnt assume me being nice and Not trying to start fights is a sign of being weak maybe i wouldnt feel like its necessary#to intimidate ppl to scare them away from me.#i promise babe you are Not getting away with it- i just know better not to start a scene. especially among other whities like me#yall will be vocally violent about whoever behind their backs over and over and if im the guy who actually confronts you suddenly im#the only one being an asshole. im simply playing YOUR game with you. you wanna be dishonest and hide behind a fake smile then so will i#and ill just sit here and wait until you break. and then everyone can call you crazy and confrontational instead!#i hate white people (yes ik i am a white people... doesn't mean i cant hate the way a lot of white ppl act)#things could be so much easier if you weren't a coward and just spoke your mind about how you distrust me and how quick you were#to find reasons to back up your mistrust. we coulda ended it there and avoided eachother. but now we gotta pretend we like eachother ig.
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songs you forget about for months at a time and then have a severe emotional reaction to
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spending the small hours of the night thinking about how hdb views the mere act of caring for him as inhuman.
#like. even the kindest doctor i have ever had let me withdraw from multiple antipsychotics mood stabilizers and antidepressants alone#trying and failing to figure out how to taper down safely from the internet. most things suggested getting smaller scripts filled#our society wasnt built for people like us. it is so so tiring to be poor and disabled in this world and its tiring to love someone who is#so eventually we're abandoned. the people who loved us get tired of it. especially once youre safe enough to stop posturing#to admit that everything hurts and you dont want to get out of bed or you cant pick up the dog or youre just too fucking tired#because youre no longer what you were. these things constantly change you.#yes i loved to swim and to ice skate and to climb trees and sit and survey the world around me. no i cant do that anymore.#does it make me less interesting? does it make me harder to love?#how much is changed when im sitting on the shoreline and youre in the ocean?#this got away from me. it feels hard to be loved in a body like this-in a mind like this. it must be saintly. angelic. innocentic. to do so#tomorrow night is my favorite holiday but it leaves me thinking a lot about devotion#about ruth clinging to naomi- the realization that what you have found would destroy you should you lose it.#where you die i will die and there i will be buried may the lord deal with me be it ever so severely if anything but death separates us#it's so hard when the thing that separates you is your punishment already#dream dora talks about his depression and how he gets too sad and phone dora tells him hes drunk no matter what he says#the resentment of his mental illness and addiction. his poverty too- i doubt the line where she calls him a poverty-stricken fuck is real#but the emotion behind it was definitely in her#all of the reasonings my ex fiance gave for leaving boiled down my mental illness (blatantly said it a couple times too)#but ik physical disability stuff bothered them too#it's fucking hard#the parts of you that everyone resents are finally accepted and embraced and then used to blame you for the end of something#yes of course there were things i did wrong as a person and things harry did wrong as a person.#that doesnt stop the things about ourselves that are already distressing from being paraded as a moral failure by someone we trusted#all of this to say. sometimes it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop.#humanity has abandoned the poor disabled addicts of the world. when will you? it's inhuman to care. history shows that to be true.#idk. i have to be up in 3 hours. im sure ill have more coherent thoughts about this after work tomorrow. rn I'm just. here's a mess lol#or maybe not! i have to put the finishing touches on my cheesecake before sundown.#ill make dinner and celebrate shavuot with my sister who is still a human despite caring for me#and things will be. as they are. or ill rotate these thoughts in my head and wont be able to fall asleep all night and ill ruin tomorrow.#who knows!
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