#our society wasnt built for people like us. it is so so tiring to be poor and disabled in this world and its tiring to love someone who is | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

welcome-to-a-nerds-world-blog · 6 years ago

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If you think that bullying someone for their weight will suddenly make them think, "Oh man, I should become skinnier to appeal to everyone" is ok, fuck you.

If you really think that bullying is the best way to make an overweight person lose weight, fuck you.

If you think its ok to bully that person after you basically forced them to become skinny through anorexia, bulimia, or unhealthy dieting, fuck you to fucking hell.

If you think fatphobia is a fucking joke, and doesnt even exist because of all the other people making it seem like a joke, fuck you.

I have been living my entire life fighting against bullying, fatphobia. Do you all really think its ok to bully a 5 year old for his/her fucking weight? A child, who cannot make good decisions without the guidance of a parent? Do you think its ok to continue to bully that child, kick, throw stones, name call, a fucking child, just for their own fucking weight that they cannot help? Do you think its ok to bully a child, even after that child expressing that they are willing to commit fucking suicide because of what you all were doing to that child?

If so, you are all sick fucking bastards, with no sympathy, no understanding, no patience, no love.

I was that fucking child, born into a family, whose mom was addicted to hard drugs, and was dating an abusive man that would beat her every night, and who also starved her children. You know who had to be my real mother? My sister. She would defend me, and help me because she didnt want me to experience the same shit she did when she was living with my mom.

And because of her defending me and my mom from my moms boyfriend, she had to go to jail. This was when I was around 3 years old. Without anyone to protect me, or help me, there was nothing I can do to help myself from the stress, depression, anxiety. I unknowingly ate, and ate, and ate in secret. There was nothing else to do but do that.

And I wasnt that big of a child in kindergarden, I was actually pretty normal sized. But after being bullied by every person, and having no friend to talk to, no friend to help me, no friend to be a fucking friend, my weight spiraled out of control. It continued to do so until highschool, where I couldnt get any bigger because I was tired of eating my feelings away.

I would walk in the halls, accidentally get in someones way, be called a whore, be pushed over, be pushed into lockers, and have death threats aimed at me.

I have built a wall around me to protect myself, but guess what that did for me? Jack shit. And it will do jack shit for you, because it just keeps piling up until you have to vent everything out like I am right now.

So this is a message to you all, who keep advocating the "bully fatties to make em skinny!" bullshit, fucking stop it. You dont do shit to help us, it only makes us get worse, if you want to help us, be our friend and express your concern.

Dont be a dick, who deserves no right to be one in society.

Yes, being overweight is bad for everyones health, but that doesnt make you entitled to bully someone just for their weight.

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deadmantalking117 · 7 years ago

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MY WORST MISTAKE

you've heard this story before... some. When i was in my mid twenties.. an expert on the subject..Dr. Handsome dude. told me that I was going die.. probably in the next 15 years or less. I would spend those 15 years getting weaker and sicker. I would spend those 15 years in almost complete and total never ending pain. My wife would spend those 15 years ( if she stayed around, cuz many don't) changing the sheets for her husband / pet rock. Sex was out the window probably.. he'll be too weak and sick to do his husbandly duties. Plus you're really going to not like him a lot of the time! You might wanna look into dating again! Just saying. So there it is. I got 15 probably crappy years left. But I'm like 28... 40 is a looong time away! Besides.. just because this guy is an expert... doesnt mean he knows me ! I've done my research... Crohns disease has a very wide spectrum of symptoms. At a Crohns disease lecture.. I met a 16 year old girl who was hooked in and out to feeding tubes... she'd already lost all her intestines. At 16. But there was also the 75 year old man.. was diagnosed at 50.. but had small issues for 20 years before. He was looking at possibly his first bowel resection. After 50 years with it. I'm saying.. this disease is like no other. But anyhow... even though I've had a significant bowel resection.. a fistula and that repair.. plus a couple odd extra "procedures" . I'm going to be like the old guy... it wont really effect MY life like that! Doctors... what do they know ? Am I right!? Am I right? Anybody? Turns out. He's pretty accurate! Actually for the next 8 or 10 years.. I was mostly ok. Our sex life was always awesome.. maybe not as frequent as either of us wanted.. but always good. And she didn't even dump me... hooray for love. But after 35 or 36.. I got the full Crohns experience. I remembered the words of doctor Handsome dude... you're going to get very sick and die before 40. I was late 30s now. "Dying time is here" -- Mad Max- beyond thunderdome. I was about to enter the Thunder Dome of the United States healthcare system . One man enters.. no man leaves ! Until now I have been more of a frequent visitor. I worked full time since I was 16. I always had insurance.. because back then.. every semi decent job offered insurance. But things change. After my first surgery.. because now I have a very serious "pre exsisting condition " . Insurance was a little trickier. When I started getting really sick. Insurance wasnt possible anymore. But I had a great Dr. He came up with the plan that I should retire on disability. It was time. I'm probably dying next week anyways.. and when you're on disability.. you're covered by Medicare.. so insurance isn't the problem. That honestly took some convincing for me. I put off filing for quite a while. I couldn't deal with the stigma of being one of "those" people. I'll do a different post on that whole nightmare.. but it's a long story. Suffice it to say that by now I'm 37ish.. maybe 38.. I'm on disability now after a 2 year struggle. But all my ducks are as in the row as possible. And I'm sick all the time now. For 4 years or so now... I'm constantly in and out of the hospital. An endless carosel of hospital.. to home.. to my now very part time job... to the hospital.. to home.. round and round. You can actually work a little while you're on disability. But I was driven to force myself to get right back to work.. I was already mooching off society enough! Plus I was by now fully terrified of really dying! This is actually happening to me. Just like Dr Handsome dude told me all those years ago! Weaker.. sicker.. deader.. but there's a small problem. Not really dying here.. Why is this taking so long? Weaker ? Check Sicker ? Double check Dead ? It's been 5 years of this shit.. tick tock God! My first mistake... I believed all the Drs. As smart.. well informed and brilliant as my Drs were and are. They were then and are today. Amazing people. But the human body is a funky thing. It's going to do, what it's going to do. All that even the greatest doctor in the world can give you is probabilities.. what's probably going to happen to you.. that's it. Cuz here's what happened next.... I'm about 40.. for the past few years.. I'm in and out of hospitals on an almost monthly basis. I know every nurse there by name.. they know me! I've had so many flares and attacks and really odd shit happen to me. I had to have 5 litres of blood transfused into me.. because now I have 2 different bleeding ulcers.. one duodenal.. one peptic.. both bleeding buckets. Tons of drugs to MAYBE avoid surgeries. A blur of pain and seriously bloody stools. Eventually we get the combination of meds for all these issues sorted out.. but still.. over and over we go. No life.. just hospital. Or home in bed. I know I'm supposed to be dying here.. but this isn't really working for me. So I asked my doctors to cut out the bad part.. there's definitely a bad part. For me its the same bad part. That pesky Terminal Illeum. With a lot of Crohns people.. the disease comes back to the same place that you've previously had removed. Thats where my blockages were ( still are ). After years of different drug treatments.. most only minimally effective.. I needed to do something completely different. So bowel resection number 2. I recovered after a few weeks. And actually was almost myself again.. but more changes were needed. I was taking fistfulls of pills everyday. My wonderful doctor was doing everything humanly possible to help me. But again.. thats a whole other story to tell. So with my health slightly restored.. Kat and I packed up our lives and our family.. and moved far away from our crappy life. For the next 3 years I never saw a Dr.. didn't take so much as an aspirin. I needed to know how I really felt. The problem with drugs is that they might work on one problem.. but cause 2 brand new problems. Lots more on that later. So... my post death life has officially begun.. I'm mid 40's.. I'm weaker.. sick on and off. But I'm alive.. and still moving. So lots more to come.. stay tuned! I told you that my one mistake was taking all my doctors literally.. I believed I would die. I kinda built my life around being dead at 40. Then at 40.. I had to make a whole new life for us. My point? Always plan for the future no matter what an expert tells you. Its always coming for you. What was my worst mistake? I got a deadly disease in the greatest country in the world. I've had to adapt over and over to constantly changing circumstances. I should only ever have had to worry about my health.. it's the way it works in every other country. Here.. everything's a daunting process .. and I promise I'll tell it all... but you have to go through it all while you're at deaths door. Its a cruel system. If you're lucky.. you meet some government employee who actually knows something. Help is almost non exsistant. All that hospital drama I just told you about? That was just so I could tell you this. Kat and I spent years during this time. Begging for help. You can't imagine the volumes of paperwork.. I had 3 big file boxes full of my files that I seemed to have to take to every government agency in the world. Its soul crushing at a time when you're barely holding on to yours. I promise I'll tell you that whole story.. but its late and I'm tired.. and even remembering this is seriously depressing me. But hey.. I'm a dead man who's still talking. Be well my friends

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

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i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful.

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep.

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies.

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that.

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_.

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be.

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit.

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions.

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant.

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche.

theyre right. the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we?

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution.

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories.

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking.

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people.

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs.

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies.

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt.

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free.

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

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i spoke it out loud.

i spend like.. alot of time in my head now. no one cares to hear things without giving their dumbass opinion. sometimes i just need to say it out loud and today i opened up to a friend ive bonded very close with but havent been in alot of contact with which meant i had to explain scenarios from start to finish - not brief blips of anxiety fueled thoughts about details.

today i felt publically embarassed. it really, really bothered me that for all ive heard and listened to from him he bailed on my show that he volunteered to be apart of two fucking months ago. it wasnt like i forced him to be involved. i didnt even ask him like i wanted him to do it. it was very casual do you want to be apart of it - sure.

i dont think you understand. under all the shitty men ive stuck it out with being treated like a lesser human while building a reputation and skill in my field FROM FUCKING NOTHING while people fucking died and break ups i id nothing but GET FUCKING BETTER. not a god damn thing stopped me because i kept my personal life seperate.

but this didnt start seperate. and like i think he sees this as nothing when its fucking everything to me and im fucking tired of people seeing it as some junk hobby i do because im “unemployed”. and look - even i can see how fucked up it can be sometimes but people enjoy what i do. i give back to MY community which is compromised of atleast 100+ more people and giving back to a community is not defined in lare fucking numbers like i have to contribute to the whole of society. maybe i fucking am.

and i am really... im angry. im just straight up fucking angry and these things never even came up. none of this is questioned. he didnt insult me. he fucking BAILED which is probably the biggest insult of them all. like... i even brought up the fact he coul be about to cheat on me and i’m more pissed that he insulted me in such a way. do i have a fucking degree? do i pull a paycheck? no. but this is fucking valuable. i see it everytime my miserable piece of shit ass pulls together a gathering or event. the fucking city approached me because i created a product they wanted and for the fucking INTEGRITY of the community i stood up and offered my professional reputation on the line to do better. and you cant show up to a fucking 16 person event and read a god damn story? really? that is an embarassment on my behalf to my personal colleagues and god damnit i fucking live here and i have no choice but to work with this because i want better now not 5 years down the road when im all settled and everything is just a thing i do on the weekends. why cant i contribute now. why cant i build myself this way.

so even if you thin these colleagues are unworthy - you stepped into my fucking realm and you so deeply disrespect something i have built from nothing. my professional reputation is associated with your piece of shit fly by night ass and you know what? my fucking bad. i would never in a million years put up with this shit from anyone not puttin gtheir dick in me so this is absolutely ridiculous. i cant even tolerate this in myself any longer and i hope - honestly - i fucking hope you used this as a leaping point into your big break up because this is what’ll make it stick. right. because you “cant fuck someone else” to solidify an ending but you can assault me in multiple ways.

and we both fucking know. we both legitimately fucking know what happened and thats why were not fucking and thats why youre not trying. this - this is all just natural now. and when they ask me ill have to act dumb - oh i have no idea why hes just this crazy guy its what he does when we both know and this sick twisted brain turned to fucking shit. who rehashes such shit. i was with a guy for way fucking longer than almost any of my current peers and i am not fucking with him but you dont think we didnt grow up together? we ha a whole fucking lifetime together, really. i shared an entire thing that no one else fucking knows about but us but you think i ned to rehash that shit with him? fuck no.

ironic right. i wanted to say how toxic it is to be addicted to the past but i would know. i would fucking know the most and we’re all matthew mccougnhey in dazed nd confused addicted to the past to the nostalgia care free late teens early 20s but we’re fucking old and everyone else has grown up but us and we’re here in the ghettos of the wasted suburbs, drinking and smoking weed to numb the fact that we hit our peaks at 16.

do i even give a fuck? like i give A fuck. clearly. im thiining about it. but not in the sense that im hurt. like its some deep offense that he would do such things. i have never believed a word he has said about our relationship. i believe any mention of long term past next week is a fucking joke. but he’s also incredibly kind to me. an i dont think at all that he would carry on some “affair” in private - THATS not our deal.

i dont care that hes talking to her. the grief process is hard and this is a fucked up situation. that doesnt bother me. i think its super wrong to carry on a relationship with this person in close measures but finding a path through grief - whether 2,3,5 years; i get it. does he need to fuck her? nope. and i have had a strange enough relationship - i am not interested in carrying on one tht is knowingly false.

he told me he didnt love me a few weeks ago. before that in another major blow up he mentioned how that particular fight woul lead to a “scar” that woul sit on the relationship. not that it woud be brought up again but acknowledging that he was and is creating real scars emotionally and mentally. it’s not manipulative - i’m here of my own freewill, i deal of my own free will. and this happens not often enough to be a malicious attempt at control. and we dont talk about things. ever. an entire year where we have never spoken about the details of these things we both COMPLEteLY KNOW ABOUT. like we both know he kind of sexually assaulted me for real. and isay for real because of the nature of our relationship but we both strayed from the necessary things for such a relationship that wouldve led to this not even happening and i dont “blame” myself. i absolutely did not want to have sex with him. absolutely did not. i said i did not want to have sex with him. i said no. i did not physically stop him in any way because of the nature of our relationship and the disrespect of my own body as well as maybe a need for approval from him because i associate sex in an intimate romantic relationship as an expression of love from a sexual person. and its hard because i do legitimately feel asexual; i have no interest. i have actual no interest and i feign interest or find ways to be interested to a degree but i dont care. so i am in a position where i am frequently disconnectin from the physical act happening to my body because i may not even be necessarily enjoying it on that sexual level. to me its an appendage inserted in a hole and it’s kind of invasive and a really od experience with someone. like its just odd to do that with a person and share eachother like that - TO ME. but this is like fighting homosexuality. i cant argue a sexual persons desires.

so i enter a relationship already essentially to a technical definition being assaulted. im never truly having consensual sex because i have no desire but i guess i do consent to the invasion of my body. i dont disagree with it happening because if i love you i dont really care if thats your thing. its not that big of a deal. brushing your teeth, taking a shower. all just things you do. this is what a majority of eople do.

but we both fucking know. no matter how many times we had sex where it started with a playful no we both know i absolutely did not want this. my body did not even want it and he still kept going and i was not even making noise and he still kept going and the air was not right when it was over because he STILL KEPT GOING. i was not upset. i did not cry. i didnt lament for hours on it. i turned over and went to sleep because he didnt hurt me. he broke my trust. i’m not traumatized by the experience, i wont put him on the “bad boyfriend” list and make him out to be a predator because hes not. i dont know why he did this. maybe he thought it was okay and he convinced himself it was okay when it wasnt.

we didnt talk about this. we didnt mention it at all but when he heard no next time he immediately stopped. when he heard it again, he immediately stopped. and everytime after, his hands immediately dropped from my body. we both know. can he apologize? we both know. i know he knows. there is zero reason for this change in behavior.

the last time i saw him he drove me to his house so i could smoke weed because of period cramps. and then he dropped out. hes too far in the dog house now and hes not even going to try to get out. this is tooooooo far. on top of everything else when im literally doing nothing but existing in my own shit life. i already look at him now and i dont see the same thing and i want to. but i keep asking myself what the fuck is this where are we going. and ive asked it for an entire year. i asked it so much his face changed and im still the same because i have a need to not give up even when its time.

and you know. had he called me and said im tired/got home late/too much traffic /tried & failed on story and made a genuine effort to seem apologetic on a personal level to me id probably be okay. but instead he just said “sorry. not going.” and ignored all further calls and texts. thats disgusting and like im trying and have been trying really hard to mentally be a better person and this was one of those times he had an opportunity to not do this and he did exactly what i would expect him to do following a stupid message like that.

now what? now hes created a thing. now i gotta wait the fucking 2 - 3 days for him to think i forgot about it or am not as angry so we can sit in the same room, not talk about it and carry on as normal.

but you know what? i was pissed. and i ruminated. but i didnt act. i sent a succinct few messages less than 160 characters asking him to call me and asking if there was any way to get a ride and moved on because all i know is that he’s never goingt o be involved in any of my professional shit ever again. hes totally disbarred from this project and even though hes been a big supporter in the past i dont need this emotional drama involved. totally ot worth it an not valuable to anyone so i dont need a long message because im just going to do whatever i want an not involve him. he doesnt need a big dramatic thing about it. and fuck you that i cant even get a ride. why even waste the energy involved in the dramatic message. thats my message this time. my message is the time he absolutely 100% expects me to send the ramatic message.

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