#fatigue files

[plexippusangel]

Realizing how much of a strain moving from sitting to standing is has been an absolute game changer for me. I’m actually keeping more energy in and getting more done by doing things like staying on my feet and washing my cooking dishes really quick before eating. I’m staying on my feet for post shower pre nap tidying bc I also have to hang up laundry quick once it finishes in the dryer bc it is actually for real harder to hang up that laundry if I get it after having a little sit. Weird. But it lets me cook meals so I’ll take it.

[animalpetcel]

Path of Life Ramblings (Story Spoilers below)

mentally I compare Mylnar and Ulpianus a lot. They're both the 1 dude of previously all female groups (the Nearls and the Abyssal Hunters) and both hold the title of being basically the Eldest and one of the strongest of the group were a lot of the overarching lore comes from.

But, I dislike Mylnar. Mainly bc of how mean he is to Blemishine in her debut event and I kinda always hated how he felt like he wanted to drag everyone else into his permanent pity party (his voicelines making him out to be a complete Eeyore didn't help either). I'm guessing that he gets better in his own event (bc I still found him annoying in Near Light), but it's taking me a while to sit down and read it bc I still hold a grudge for how he treated Blemi (who is one of my fav characters) And what I heard from people who play CN during Path of Life's original announcement made me worried that I would fine Ulpianus either boring, or as irritating as Mylnar.

But that wasn't the case! Despite Ulpianus' withdrawn and similar stick up his ass attitude, it was easier to see that he like, cares about the other Hunters and other characters like Underflow & Jordi even when he's still refusing to actually team up with anyone else! I was actually really concerned about him by the end, bc what he's doing is incredibly dangerous and he doesn't even have someone to help him/witness the info he's about to gain if he loses himself to the seaborn. So I'm excited to see what happens when the other AH finally catch up to him, whether it be to help or capture him, or both. And maybe he also needs a lecture about how wonderful working with a team can be instead of wanting to carry everything himself.

I do have to say that it's also, kinda weird that Path of Life is when he's playable? Like, it ends with him vanishing to gain the knowledge that the Seaborn/Matus has on the past of the Aegir/The Firstborn, the danger of him maybe losing himself the same way Martus did and the other AH vowing to find him and bring him in for like, an actual explanation of everything. But now he's just...on the landship...still completely lucid....with an epilogue of his experiences being in his files...kinda working with the other AH now but not really

It feels kinda anti-climatic? Honestly it felt kinda weird how the narrative kept kinda asking us to doubt if he was still in the right mind when he never did or said anything for us to really doubt him besides like, refusing to work with others or explain more than what he viewed as the bare minimum. Also I kinda wanted him to like, actually have a moment where he accepts the other AH's help and officially joins them under Gladiia's command.... Tho it also kinda feels like Ulpianus was basically the only person they could have had as a 6* this event. The rest of the AH already released and Jordi & Irene are too early in their developments still to get alters. Lucilla's screentime would be too criminally low given what the story is trying to accomplish as well. I guess...maybe Underflow could have worked as the 6*? But I'm not super certain. And then it feels too early for Gladiia's moms as well.

But hey I'm glad I don't hate him. Now my next wish is that the next AH event finally lets Andreana and Iridescence join the fray. I kinda feel like Aegir would be interested in the church of the deep creating a half-abyssal, given their own difficulties with the procedure. (Also I just want Andreana to be more present in AH stuff....please HG...)

[whump-my-dear-watson]

!! mulder on scully's lap !! an event I will never get over

WHUMPTOBER 2024 NO. 29 "FATIGUE"

[fffrost]

I want to make art but sadly I am employed.

[bkyngw]

white boy wasted

[sualne]

Question why does law have uh skin discoloration....? In the modern au?

it's permanent scarring from Amber Lead Syndrome! in the au i want to explore stuff like disability and chronic illness, he's got nerve damage in the discolorated skin, his hair also got white patches but he dyes it to make it less obvious he's got ALS because of the everything with flevance.

[racke7]

It's more than an hour past my bedtime but I FUCKING DID IT!

[mercymaker]

do you ever have those moments when you want turn yourself on and off real quick. like reset the router?

[savage-rhi]

The X-files opening credits and theme song happened to me.

[ghostzzy]

googles ‘how to stop feeling guilty all the time about everything’

[emrys-rusts]

explodes myself DONT EVER DRAW WITHOUT WARM UPS WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS

[plexippusangel]

I hate symptoms. Idk what’s in the donut I just ate that I can’t have but my hands are swelling up and they hurt and it’s only 9:30 and I’ve gotta be in this school until 5. Sorrows.

[itsamarlfox]

I forgot to vote on the Scully Mulder autism poll and I'm too tired to look for it but my official vote is they're both autistic because all of my blorbos are autistic thank you sorry I don't make the rules

[liesonthefloordramatically]

Everybody knows that a breakup Is better when there’s someone to hate but You were my favourite way to stay up, and I'd say that still

[chipped-chimera]

I think the large part of the reason why people get extra pedantic about those with mental illness engaging in self-destructive coping mechanisms (because that's what all of these are! Coping mechanisms! Even for those who are not 'mentally ill') is because it is loudly showing the symptom of a larger problem - that society at large has let this individual down, and badly.

Mental health attitudes have improved a lot over the recent years, but there is a certain kind of bitterness around it for me as someone who has been living with mental health issues 'officially' for 14 years (but arguably might have been my whole life) to see governments (or mine at least) finally sit up and throw more resources into mental health support services post pandemic because they KNOW it's going to have a lasting knock on effect.

Like I am glad it is happening. I am glad there is more support. But at the same time I'm wondering where was this 15 years ago when I was diagnosed with depression which would turn out to be treatment resistant over the years? Where was the care that could have gotten me out of the hole I was in and identified root issues, instead of me largely having to figure out that shit myself at 30? Where is the financial offset for the really expensive treatment I now have to get just as a last ditch effort before literal BRAIN SURGERY just so I can fucking live as someone below the poverty line? Where is recognition of the fact that every medication I have to take to keep myself stable enough to keep going is basically life support and I shouldn't have to PAY just to keep my will to live?

I know my government has launched multiple different programs over the years to try and drive down the suicide rate, but it's never put a dent in it - in fact in recent years it's getting worse. And that's because they only treat the symptom, not the problem.

Highly distressed people show up to hospitals regularly requesting to be admitted for their own safety, and if they aren't turned away (I have read some SHIT let me tell you) or abused within that system that's supposed to help them (... again, I have read some shit) once they're 'recovered' they're turfed out into the world, right back into the same situations that made them so distressed in the first place.

Neurotypical people who are 'mentally well' only get so bent out of shape over those who are highly depressed or distressed engaging in self destructive behaviour because it is in a way showing them that they have failed. They have in some way, let us down. That they did not care enough. While that distressed person is engaging in self-destructive coping mechanisms to try and self soothe or just hold on to their scrap of life by a thread - they tell us to knock it off because they can't sit with the discomfort. We're inconveniencing THEM by just trying to fucking survive.

Any depressed person has the potential to reach that end point, and unless we actually sit the fuck up collectively and get our shit together, address the REASONS people are depressed like discrimination, ableism, racism, poverty etc. nothing is going to change. Telling someone to 'knock it off because you're making me uncomfortable' isn't going to solve shit. It's only going to make it worse.

Because right now when someone has depression? That's sad. But when someone commits suicide? Now it's a tragedy.

Depression was ALWAYS a tragedy of society. And it shouldn't take someone hitting the point of self harm or death for it to be taken seriously.

Some people really hate the idea of mentally ill people fucking up or making choices that damage ourselves and it's so exhausting. So many people talk about how people should be able to make choices about their own body until it's mentally ill people self-harming, or doing drugs/alcohol, not taking meds, doing things generally considered "unhealthy" and then they decide no, actually, people should be able to take control of your right to make decisions about your body because people deemed "mentally ill" just can't be trusted.

Somehow we're not allowed to do things that bother other people, or hurt our bodies, even if other people do shit like that all the time. Somehow people considered "sane" can exercise to the point of making themselves ill, can drink and "occasionally" do drugs, can refuse to take medicine and even self-harm in ways but we're often not allowed to without someone threatening to violate our right to decide about our bodies. Because we don't understand consequences or we "might kill ourselves" but it's so ridiculous.

Like yes, we might kill ourselves. We might fuck ourselves up. We might destroy our entire lives. And? People do that! It happens! It's part of living. People do dangerous shit, people fuck up, people hurt themselves. It's not like we're the only ones who do that but even if we were, you can't puppet other people's lives just because they're living them differently.

Not without violating their right to make decisions about their body. Not without being involved in a violent system that destroys mental health and bodily autonomy. Not without being a part of a violent system that will try to make sure no one is ever free.

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.