#my relationship with Muse is toxic

[cs-rylie]

Chaos ch3

ao3 - ffn (ffn may take a minute to load)

I've been stalling on posting this because my taglist is still in progress. All of you who responded to my posts about it.. I'm overwhelmed 🥰 I thought maybe one or two people would respond, but everytime I go to post this and check my notifications, there's another response. Y'all make me all teary and emotional

Taglist below the line - if I tagged you and you don't want to be here LET ME KNOW. Same if you'd like to be added!

@jrob64 @kmomof4 @teamhook @tiganasummertree @stahlop @hookedmom @booksteaandtoomuchtv @elfiola @winterbaby89 @undercaffinatednightmare @kday426 @zaharadessert @djlbg @xarandomdreamx @jonesfandomfanatic @huntressandlioness1 @lfh1226-linda @motherkatereloyshipper @dashingpiratesandswans @anmylica @hannahhook7744 @stardreamer28 @tequedarasavinon @thomlugaro26 @grimmswan @gingerchangeling @momontheice @insanelydeadlybookcollector @rapunzelsghosts @csadmire @zippoluv @deckerstarblanche @rachelhosking90 @xellewoods @convolutedconundrum @veiled-in-moxie @caityrayeraye @flslp87 @paradiselady19 @bg12sofia @ouat-the-hell @bluewildcatfanatic @eddisfargo @julesep3026 @a-faekindagirl @middlemistcs13 @charmed101 @laschatzi @pirateprincessofpizza

[walkingstackofbooks]

Headcanon that Julian had a bunch of “relationships” as a teen with older people just to piss his parents off/to get away from them (because his gfs and bfs in their 20s would have their own place he could stay at...) and that he never really had a chance to learn what a healthy partnership looked like.

And then that Palis was emotionally abusive towards Julian, in a way that he never quite put his finger on...

And that his attraction towards Garak was in part due to the way that Garak felt dangerous to be around. Not because that was new or exciting or thrilling, but because it was familiar.

[reinekoya]

“My muse” △ x 6

[kindalikerackham]

but I think what I really want is for Buck and Tommy to get back together --WAIT HEAR ME OUT -- I want them to get back together in a 'Buck really needs emotional intimacy right now' way. I want Tommy, who knows how much Bobby meant to Buck, to swoop in and be there for him while he's upset. And it's good and it's bad and they decide to start up again, because they're finding comfort in each other, and what is a partner if not someone who you want to be with in the bad times too, right? so they get back together, and it's not everything, it's not filling this raw hole ripped from Buck's chest, but it gives him moments of peace (numbness, escape). and then. and then. he doesn't know how it happens but. he fucks Eddie*. and it's so much more than with Tommy. It's so much better and worse. It's the knowledge that Eddie's going to go back tomorrow and it's the knowledge that Buck cheated, again. It's Buck knowing and still not accepting Tommy isn't who he wants. It's Eddie going through his own grief and mindfuck. It's Buck breaking up with Tommy, again and now they're in this toxic on-again, off-again. It's Eddie getting back home to El Paso and his head is full of static when he even thinks of LA or opening FaceTime or looking at his fucking lockscreen, Jesus Christ, is he in love with Buck? Is he fucking stupid? Fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

*thus fulfilling the 911 cheating quota for this season

[riddlesnap]

Just rambling on with some sunday thoughts, don't mind me! ~

Okay, so I know I've gone on before about this particular Eddie being asexual but it's easier to say he's one of those asexuals that is capable of having sex in the right situation (and more importantly, with the right person) - just that, well, he doesn't really feel much in the way of sexual attraction towards other people unless there is something going on? For example, you can put the world's hottest supermodel before Edward and. He won't feel anything for them, not knowing who they are and would probably feel rather turned off about the whole thing because ew. Mentally though, Eddie can really catch a crush, especially if the person in question is smart or has some other form of intelligence. He's prone to flights of fantasy and can become heavily invested in somebody purely because he saw them a particular way, even if that isn't really who they are, but in a sexual way? Rare. Very, very rare, but not impossible. He'd probably imagine it rather than dare act on his fantasies, content to let things play out in his mind as he observes them going about their daily schedule, wondering if the real thing would ever hold up to his very vivid and powerful imagination. It's less about the other person and more about what he's thinking in the moment, how he feels about the person involved and so on. Sex isn't important to him like it is to most other people but if somebody he was very interested in wanted it? There's a chance they could convince him, especially if they've had a good relationship for a long time. That being said, it's gonna be a long and hard road because Edward is fundamentally a narcissist at his core and can be downright nasty at times. He's fickle, caring more about serving his own ego and interests than he is about being a good partner and prospective mate to another and it's more likely that sex would be a bargaining chip, a way to keep control in a relationship he's invested in and it just wouldn't be a pleasant experience for either party involved, please find somebody else.

[girlypopinspos]

[slaughterlocked]

"when was the last time we had a proper conversation?" / from jules :(

“ ISN’T THAT WHAT WE’RE DOING RIGHT NOW ? ” He’s mean tonight, becoming more frequent a habit, an ugly sneer traipsing across his tired face. Sleeping well has been an impossibility. Why sleep, his mind tells him, when there is so much work to do ? When you have so little time ? And Jules? —— Jules gets in the way. As much as William loves her, his patience grows short with her.

He doesn’t blame himself for snapping at her. It’s been a shitty day at work; he’s got the start of another goddamn headache; and she’s right, Christ, they haven’t had a proper conversation in weeks. Months ? He doesn’t care to remember. He spins around in his chair, affects an exaggerated smile that’s more grimace than anything, and says, in a condescendingly sweet tone, “ Hi, love. How was your day ? Mmm, yes, ” he rushes on, not giving her time to speak, “ that’s very interesting. You love me ? Yes, well, I love you too. Why don’t you put the dinner on while I finish up my work, alright ? ”

The false smile drops; the act ends. In its place is impatient determination and begrudging weariness. He knows he’s gone too far. But it doesn’t stop him from adding, dismissively, “ there. A proper conversation. Are you happy ? ” As if his wife was someone he had to work to keep happy. As if he didn’t just have to listen, and talk, and love her.

[muse-of-tomfoolery]

Nothings more nerve racking to me rn than being in a relationship as a teenager 😔

Like on one hand I want to do a ton of romantic stuff and give gifts or whatever

But on the other I KNOW that we'll probably not even last that long, and I'm scared of doing stuff that will sooner or later be a reminder of an "ex" 😭😭😭

[huginsmemory]

To follow up on the previous post mentioning that I knew I'd be meeting law soon in op and being excited because I'd know I'd like him. WELL. He's not the character I imprinted on. I mean let's be real I'll probably imprint on him aggressively when I learn more about him but u know who I DID IMPRINT ON? EUSTASS KID. THATS RIGHT. my gender envy snatched that boy so fast do u understand the envy of a person who as a kid was so desperately adhered to Toxic Masculinity and Always Wanted to Be Buff. Boy howdy did I mention I so badly wanted to be perceived as Male and that roughness expected of them. And Eustass Kid fulfills that roughly masculine stereotype to a tee EXCEPT not since he's also leaning into punk subculture and gender defying lipstick and it's not meant in an effeminant way but kinda a Don't Fuck With Me Way which his whole look screams and so suddenly that's TEN TIMES BETTER BECAUSE FUCK GENDER STEREOTYPES. and also did I mention he's clearly supposed to be Celtic/Scottish? and as a person whose also Scottish I'm like oh FUCK YES. And oh no that's EXACTLY the gender vibe I want. And then u don't know anything about him for the next age I guess since they all disappeared

[tiredfolly]

I made more gravity falls art. They have been on my mind 24/7 and I want to explode.

My very epic and cool Bill design,

I believe in chubby Bill supremacy

The next few drawings were done with my friend @mike2527, also a tsp artist, who is definitely super straight and cool

Eat up my fellow queers

[pwurrz]

GOD the kuyaei pmv i’ve made in my head to this song… specifically this part speaks to me the most

eiden asking kuya why he’s like this and kuya staring blankly until he realizes this feels.. oddly familiar. he’s had this exact argument before. he starts to see eiden as a younger, dumber version of himself. the one that was hopelessly in love with huey and would do anything for him. and if eiden is him then.. he would be huey.

the idea disgusts him so much, it makes him feel like he wants to throw up, even more so because he knows his thoughts are technically right. how could he let huey turn him into this person?? a person he despises so much?? a person who hurts the people he loves?? it took huey leaving for him to realize just how toxic that relationship was, but somehow he still couldn’t end the cycle of toxicity.

he lashes out in a way that reminds him of his younger self, so overwhelmed with emotion and anger and hurt he doesn’t know what to do with all those feelings. when white hot anger isn’t clouding his vision he realizes he’s on top of eiden, digging into his shoulders in a way that rips the fabric of his jacket and gripping his face in a way that accentuates that absolutely terrified expression of eiden’s face. he.. genuinely believes kuya would hurt him. and despite the fact that kuya never would, not really, not like this, he can’t blame him for thinking that.

he also can’t bring himself to tell eiden he wouldn’t. so he makes it worse. he lets go of eiden and summons fox fire, letting his anger bleed into his voice when he tells him to leave. eiden believes kuya would hurt him, why not feed into that a little?

and then he’s alone. and he feels even more disgusted with himself. that disgust turns into hatred when he realizes he gripped eiden’s face too roughly, and now there’s blood staining his claws. he squeezes the palm of his hand so tightly his own blood wets his fingertips. it’s the least he deserves.

eiden will come back. he always does. he’s far too forgiving, far too foolish to be the grand sorcerer. only a fool would come back to someone who hurt him. kuya knows that all too well.

but eiden comes back. he’s forgiving in a way kuya doesn’t deserve. selfishly, kuya goes along with his whims. to make him happy, and because some part of him wants to stay by eiden’s side. but in reality he’s rather be as far away from eiden as possible, left alone. the moment eiden feels safe enough to fall asleep around him is the first moment kuya genuinely contemplates leaving him there, to wake up alone. it’s better that way. eiden shouldn’t feel so safe around someone like him, even if grand sorcerer is too stubborn and foolish to realize that.

eiden’s forgiven him, but kuya doesn’t believe he’s earned that forgiveness. because as far as he’s concerned he’ll only hurt eiden again.

[huntershowl-moving]

sometimes, in the midst of all of her dynamics that foster healing, i forget that seph was literally built from the ground up for toxic relationships. my god. (putting my almost-tags under the cut for cw reasons!)

[mad-hunts]

WHAT IS MY MUSE AFRAID OF?

in the list below, bold all the fears your muse currently has, italicize all the fears they've worked through or grown out of, answer the questions below, and then pass it on by tagging your favorite muns to participate!

why do they have these fears? are these fears innate, trauma-based, or generational? barton had feared small spaces as well as failure due to several things that had happened in his childhood, but he was able to overcome these as a teenager. as for hospitals... barton was afraid of them due to a specific event that he went through for a short time after winslow had officially become his surrogate father. without talking about it too much, his fear of suffocation is trauma-based as well. and as for being alone / being abandoned, these were sort of a mix of innate and generational fears for barton. imperfection is, unfortunately, another fear of his that came about due to trauma.

COMMON FEARS & PHOBIAS:

the dark l small spaces l suffocation l water l thunderstorms l dogs l snakes l spiders l insects l clowns l blood l dentists l hospitals l needles l germs l heights l fire l insects l public speaking l large crowds l meeting new people l being alone l being touched l failure l imperfection l societal rejection l physical intimacy l emotional intimacy l being abandoned l being forgotten

what other fears do they have? his biological father, wesley mathis; becoming his father, losing his freedom / autonomy (to some level), death, and hurting members of his family due to losing control.

have they ever tried to work through or confront these fears? how did it go? barton has attempted to work through his fear of his father due to him no longer being around and his fear of death, too, which really didn't go so well. this is because even though he is able to understand why he has these fears, whenever he exposed himself to both of these things, he tried to think his way out of the fear he felt rather than just letting himself feel it... and this is a necessary step in quote unquote 'conquering them' because the mind is prone to getting stuck in thoughts that actually feed your fears when you aren't able to fully process / accept them.

tagged by: (stole from @astrronomemes!) tagging: @cxpperhead, @thewomanwholaughed, @ofgctham, @lamprog, and anyone else who might like to complete this quiz!

[starjynx]

me: Akkun deserves the world and all the good things.

also me: But I want to explore all the angst and darker stuff with him. :)

[xxdreamscapes]

diary 042125 | 7:43 pm

on location sharing;

I’ve noticed how obsessive people can get with it.

The monitoring, the questions, the control. It’s an abuser's favorite tool.

I only share location with family or friends I understand to the core of their character, or just trust enough in general.

I see how y'all track your besties, boyfriends, girlfriends, kids, etc. — it’s unhealthy. Pointing out to people about where they're at or just being beyond nosey. Showing up is unhinged and even worse. I also see all the strange mind games people play hiding and unhiding their locations too. I think that some people get off on having that control, and knowing where everyone is at all times. In this kind of dynamic, I've noticed how personal people take it when you decide to remove or revoke access to your location.

I've both seen and experienced how the monitoring, constant surveilling of friends impacts people's mental wellbeing. Sometimes to the point where they feel the need to turn off and on their location, set it to a different device, or shut down their phone all together. We shouldn't be scared to adjust our relationship dynamics with people. What was supposed to be a tool for safety became big brother.

Don't get me started on the people who use it as excuse to never have to keep in touch with people, similar to social media.

I'd like to write more about this at some point.

[apaise]

when there's a gleeful knock at the door at six am, cleo already knows who their visitor is. only one person in all the land would dare reach out at this god-forsaken hour. cleo thinks about opening the door just to tell her to fuck off, but . . . she can't really afford to turn down work right now ( even when the hours are borderline barbaric ). it's not just about her, she has lucy and penny to think of before her petty pride and dignity. the last thing she wants is her sisters be worrying about the bills, so cleo shoves on her coveralls and boots, writes a note on her whereabouts -- "out with the idiot" -- and grumpily stomps out the front door.

she doesn't even bother greeting fiyero or looking twice at how perfect her hair looks despite the early hours. cleo walks briskly ahead to her car, knowing it's just another summons for a mechanic job. fiyero never contacts her about otherwise.

never mind the fact that that's the rule cleo put in place to begin with.

sleeping with fiyero once had been an accident. the second time had been because cleo had literally been stranded at fiyero's place because of the blizzard, and definitely not because of any feelings. definitely. and definitely never, ever again after cleo discovered the letter from fiyero's now ex-girlfriend. it turns out fiyero's pretty blonde girlfriend had left a note about falling in love with her best friend and wanting to break up. cleo realized after finding it that she had just been fiyero's rebound for that, nothing more.

she didn't listen to a thing fiyero said after the confrontation and she would've cut ties all together if not for cleo being so damn desperate for clientele. turns out her anger issues and the tigelaar fortune are a perfect match made in hell; she can barely get a callback from any new customers, and fiyero always makes sure to tip oh-so-generously. so in order to keep their lights on, cleo keeps meeting with the girl who broke her heart . . . ironically forever bound to fix the rest of her damages.

when they enter fiyero's port, cleo's astonished to see everything neatly in order for once. ❝ it's actually pretty clean around here, which is is shocking, ❞ she comments with a begrudging amazement. pulling on her gloves, she nods towards fiyero's racing ship. ❝ well, let's see her. ❞

after two minutes of a mere cursory inspection of fiyero's repulsor-crafts, cleo's already pulling her goggles off with a look of complete disappointment and denial. she knows she's dealing with the most popular racer of today and that each week there seems to be some news article about how incredible fiyero tigelaar is at maneuvering the racing obstacles. but in the sato-locke books, fiyero's only legendary for this amount of utter destruction. it's as if she has absolutely no regard for the collateral damage. funny.

❝ you're screwing with me, ❞ she starts, pulling off her gloves in protest as she stands. ❝ there's no way i can fix this by saturday. what were you, showing off to your groupies again? ❞ cleo tries to scoff, ignoring how vulnerable that last part made her sound. ❝ it's ridiculous, fiyero. not happening. ❞ @fatescattered