#my psychiatrist told me about it
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it’s kinda funny when people comment on relative old fics cuz i barely remember anything about them so if that person says it’s a nice fic it’s now a nice fic to me
#that’s on my fried brain#it’s a thing#my psychiatrist told me about it#kazula short stories#or whatever#but it’s usually kazula short stories#cuz i did a lot#pls keep commenting on them#it’s author’s food#although#pls don’t comment negative stuff 🥺#never happened before#but
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about to become #normalcore now that i'm gonna be on anxiety meds so sayonara you weeaboo shits
#kidding i still have plenty of other issues so i'm here to say#lol fr tho went to the doc today for the first time in foreverrr now that i have insurance#and when i brought up the anxiety to her i was like i know i prob need to see a psychiatrist or someone separate#but she was like nah. lexapro. boom. like okay miss ma'am!!#also the fact that she didn't try blame all my other health issues i told her about on me being fat??? did i hit the doctor jackpot or what#a.txt
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hey other systems, would recommend steering clear of user eruruu, it seems to have been convinced by their psychiatrist(s) that DID is mostly delusion and only consists of heightened trauma states and dissociation. it came onto my post about how to support loved ones who are systems with a massive spiel explaining extremely out of date understandings of DID, finishing it off with an outdated article from the late 1900s-early 2000s containing many misconceptions about the disorder as a whole. I'd suggest blocking it, don't interact or send hate, I think it's been convinced of these things by professionals trying to make the disorder less "scary" or "unusual". just block and move on.
#osdd#did#system#GUH. I'm about to become the killer#grips my head#very worked up over this I love being told that our existences are just delusions and that all of us don't actually exist#it fucks you up!!! hearing that it fucks you up!!!!!#I've been in therapy for multiple years!!! talked to my therapist and psychiatrist about this and they both agree I have OSDD!!!!#my therapist treats the others like their own people and takes me seriously!!!!#I am going to KILL
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so i really do have cptsd, huh?
#I NEED TO VENT BECAUSE AAAAAHHHHHFHFHF#sometimes i be like “nah I'm fine. i just overthink too much”#and then i ✨ remember ✨#I can't believe how fucking blind i was for so many years#My family always tells me that I overreact and exaggerate when I try to tell them how I really feel#but when i told my psychiatrist about my trauma she completely understood me and actually wanted to hear me without judging me#my family's been gaslighting and manipulating me for years. not to mention scapegoating me#both of my parents neglected me throughout my entire childhood/teenage years#which is why i sometimes feel like an orphan#I've been grieving who I might've been for so long now#I can't think of any traumatic event from my life without bursting into tears#i relate to sufjan's music and sharp objects for a reason#lol. lmao even#rambles
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i have bad news for anyone who expects mental illness to be family friendly
^ yeah!
#thats a pretty good summary of it.#ask#anon#arsenic#ok ill rant about the au and mentall illness— nick's not diagnosed with anything. doesnt mean he doesnt#- /have/ anything.#mostly im thinking npd and bpd but this dude just. is not self aware at all. nobody ever told him. oops#im also giving him low empathy because i'll give low empathy to any character im obsessed with#(read: im projecting) (same way im making sunny trans. have i ever mentioned sunny's trans in this AU)#anyway. sunny's autistic but ive said that one before#nick is a psychiatrist's wet dream i think.#for the record i dont think people with npd or bpd are evil. im not evil. my friends are not evil#this AU doesnt exist to be good representation! sorry#anyway narcissistic abuse is not a real thing and aspd was made up by psychiatrists who thought that surely people being violent-#- means they're mentally ill. they based the diagnostic criteria off of criminals. the dsm is made up and none of this is real#i could rant about the way PDs are treated for hours. do NOT give me an opportunity to do so#this AU is not good rep but if someone starts calling nick a psychopath or a sociopath i will bite !#omori#rant
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I’m so tired of having cis women tell me that because I am trans masculine I somehow don’t know how misogyny works and I somehow didn’t and don’t spend my life doing the emotional and physical labor that they are also doing while being misgendered as though I don’t also face the same medical misogyny but I’m also being misgendered at doctor’s appointments and when I try to access tools and help about disability or feminism or mental health I’m told that trans masculine people are already being centered in the work and don’t need any more space while you guessed it BEING MISGENDERED and then I get told that I could pass if I tried and therefore it doesn’t matter. what the hell
#good post good post#personal#transgender#I boil down my gender to be less complicated to cis people bc my presentation is confusing#and even the kindest most radical people still misgender me#in the same appointment that diagnosed me with gender dysphoria the psychiatrist misgendered me#in a class about gendered oppression as the only trans person in BOTH of my programs (history and gender studies) I am. misgendered.#and told quiet explicitly that my dysphoria at being told that women’s experiences are NOT mine needs to be decentered#like what the fuck guys
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that wonderful piano part from chiquitita does not fail to fill me with a combination of joy and paranoia
#paranoia bc of that one random episode that i probably should've told the psychiatrist about in which the music in my head frightened me#anyway!#my heart rate is up and at the same time i am delighted by the music#the combination is irrationally funny to me#honestly rereading my posts from today it almost feels like im mildly drunk because im being irrational but at the same time im completely#fine yk?#sorry yall xD#personal
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Me the first two sessions with my psychiatrist: Yeah I'm doing great, I love my job, I love my life!
Me at the third session: I've been lying to you this whole time about everything, and I may be dying
#we had a productive session#i havent been taking my meds for over a year. but i told her i have been for the first two sessions#because im not super mentally ill in the summer so i thought i was fine#famous last sentiments i guess#once winter hit i remembered im on meds for a reason#so i told her i actually havent been taking my meds and im dealing with the consequences#i thought shed be mad at me. she wasnt#she just said that we'll get me started on the low starting dose and work our way back up to the normal dose#soni made another appointment with her and got some low doses ordered#and then i made an appointment for a vitamin d lab cuz ive been deficient on that for forever#and then made a gyno appointment cuz im a disaster#very productive morning#im about to go to a work meeting#moral of the story: dont go off your meds#and if you do tell your psychiatrist about it. they wont be mad
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Getting ready for my psych appointment like “I will get a good grade in adhd, autism, and bpd. This is something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve”
#I mean ik that’s the real reason I’m so nervous. that this person is gonna be like wellllllll I don’t think you actually have these things#(unlikely considering my… everything and also that my therapist and psychiatrist have both told her ‘yeah they have these things’#but it’s just. ugh.#like I understand WHY they want to redo my adhd and autism diagnosis#it makes sense and I’m not like. upset about it and I know it’s not cuz they don’t think I have it#it just does make me a bit anxious though cuz like yeah it IS a possibility this person could decide I don’t have them….#which would then fuck up the whole reason I’m doing all this in the first place#(redoing the diagnoses because the psych who diagnosed me years ago rushed everything through#because she was convinced I had them wanted to treat me and had treated members of my family who also had them#so y know the genetic component was a strong factor in it#but because they were rushed through I didn’t go through most of the testing#so now they want me to do that so the testing is officially on my medical record#which again I understand and that makes sense. just. also nervewracking you know)#but anyways trying not to be nervous I know it’ll be fine just. probably very long and tedious#but it is what it is#complete refusal to make eye contact with anyone don’t fail me now !!!!!!!#I JUST WANT TREATMENT I FEEL LIKE I CANT FUNCTION AND I KNOW THIS IS THE NEXT STEP I HAVE TO TAKE#SO I JUST WANT IT TO GO SMOOTHLY 😭😭😭😭#(also have very very tentatively have started squinting at going back to school#and I know if I do I will NEED accommodations or I will quite literally never make it#that was the reason I originally got diagnosed years ago after all)#kaz rambles
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i’m myself at home, me in public, & i runs it all
#stream#my psychiatrist says i may have adhd he also said ‘im not going to lie to u ur not an easy case bc there’s a lot of symptoms’#ALSKALSKLASKALSKLAKSALSLAJSLAKSLA#i was like ‘adhd ? i don’t have that’ & he asked like ‘nobody has every said that ?’ & i was like no ????? im just insane on the inside like#ALSJALSJALSJLAJSLA literally i went ‘i don’t think that ppl w ahdh online say they can’t tie their shoes & i don’t think it’s the disorder i#think they’re just refusing to tie their shoes’ then later on he asked me how do i feel about myself in one word & i went#‘like a sea urchin’ & he had no idea what that meant#like i thought it was quite obvious ????#nice to look at but u don’t want to step on 1 or that sucks also they’re sooo pretty but Need to Stay Way the Hell Over There’#he was reading the notes i sent to him bc i asked for my notes & i was like ‘ive comments’ ALSKALSKALKSALKSALSKLKSLKSLAKSL#he started laughing & it was bc of the way i phrased things & capitalized ? 😭😭😭 he told me that ALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSLA#it’s very fucking funny#like u just need to read it like german#he’s polish so i trust him w my life#POLES DO ANYTHING FOR YALL !!!!!!!#like even w that 1 facist 1 i still think abt him i forget his name is was smthg funny but its like yea u look it#like this psych has a normal name but he fits it#GOOD WAY#NOT A FASC#HES POLITE & FUN idk he’s soft spoken & i find that very calming#i sound like u know the sound they play when a cat fight happens in a cartoon that’s my voice#also unrelated but my accent has finally changed so much that the british assume i’ve been here since childhood …. growth like my parents#immigrated to britain …. the chameleon trait#i think it’s so funny bc like if u Are Like That then it’ll work for any language like if u speak spanish spanish & u go to mexico spanish#ur spanish accent will change to be more mexican i think language is crazy isn’t society cool#this doesn’t work for everyone like some people will retain their accents their entire lives like u know ‘bad accents’ i hate the term ‘bad#accent’ bc an accent can’t be bad it can just be strong or weak#like girl. most ppl have an accent. like some people omg if ur a professional translator u can get SOOOOO GOOD WHERE U LOSE THE ORIGINAL ITS#CRAZY#truly
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Can't believe how easy it is when you get the right mental health professional
#i'm coming home after my first session with this psychiatrist and damn#first session and i'm already talking about potential autistic traits; relationship with drugs and adhd stigma in mental health#like she literally told me that many mental health professionals think adhd does not exist and that it was false#she was so informed 😭💖#personal#man i'm so happy i found her tbh
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don't mind me, just listening to a brainrotting playlist of overstimulation breakcore beats because my brain has a need :)
#🐶#hi all sorry for leaving randomly yet again#i haven't been doing well lately unfortunately and have been thinking of asking my psychiatrist to up my dose of prozac#because my depression has been getting more difficult to deal with#i know i throw around and always joke about how mentally ill i am but in 100% honesty it's in these moments which i'm reminded of actually#being mentally ill#even wondering if a psych hospital or something whatever they call them would take me in and if my insurance would cover it#or if i literally have to like.......... literally have to freak people out in order to have insurance pay for it lol#i'm not going to “freak” anyone out or anything obviously but like seriously i think there are some things i haven't told my family#just because of how bizarre and upsetting my thoughts and paranoia and everything could seem to an average person
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my psychiatrist was trying to explain that a lot of my depression and anxiety probably stems from my trying to force myself into a (neurotypical/allistic) mold that i wasn't made for and that it's nothing to be ashamed of and she listed elon musk and bill gates as my fellow autists and that made me cry harder
#mia.txt#i wasnt like crying bc i was diagnosed with ASD it was more just crying cause i cry all the time now and it was a cathartic session#oh i forgot to mention it but god i cant even describe the weird feeling of being told im actually autistic (UNPROMPTED)#after like. wondering for so many years but being too scared to bring it up to any psychiatrist#so i was just like well maybe i am or maybe i just have adhd. thats ok im not too worried about it :)#and then i was just like talking about my sensory issues being exacerbated by my meds#and then she started asking me more questions abt my sensory issues and social problems and then she pointed out that i#had been rocking back and forth the entire time. which i genuinely dont even notice anymore like i was like oh shit i sure am doing that#and she basically went through the whole questionnaire and was like has no one really ever brought up the possibility that you were#on the spectrum. because you definitely are#and i was like 🤷🏻♀️ idk! im not sure#but it was probably pretty damning that the one other time i had gotten tested he literally gave up bc the questions were too vague#oh but anyway like no that doesnt help actually 😔#i really don't think its shame-based like i KNOW im Different(TM) thats not shocking to me#but i do expend an insane amount of mental and emotional energy trying to be Normal and pretend i am not autistic#the masking that is causing me so much stress is the very thing that prevented me from being diagnosed earlier lmfaooo
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king of overreacting
#boss told me ive been a bit too unfocused this week and when i tell you im SPIRALING#cried thrice in the toilets already#ive been tired and i had trouble focusing but i thought i was doing better and i was trying hard at work but not hard enough it seems#idk man im so tired mentally whenever i stop thinking about bg3 my head is just full of self harm and suicidal thoughts#at least im seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow but urghhh i hate it here#.txt
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I have OCD
like damn man
#ramblings#I confirmed it with both a therapist and psychiatrist#and it’s still hitting me that being scared all the time and having obsessive thoughts about the world ending is NOT normal#they told me most likely I had ocd tendencies that evolved into full blown ocd cus of the pandemic :(#but I’m getting help and I’m slowly starting to find my happiness again
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i cant wait for the day I don't have to have a relationship with my sister anymore
#metal speaks#metal screams#what the fuck is wrong with her#all fucking year i have been begging her to respect me n my disabilites n not to treat me like shit about them#n to stop pushing me to go to a psychiatrist for obvious reasons (psych abuse)#n she does NOT listen to me one bit#i have told her sooooo many fuckkng times#n then when i get upset at her she has the AUDACITY to get defensive about it#FUUUCCCKKKIIIINNNGGG CCUUUUNNNTTTTTTT#me: hey maybe dont abuse me#her: thats manipulative#being disabled is so fun because it is inherently easy to be abused 😵💫#my sister would have had me lobotmized if i was a pysch patient in the 50s n shit#@_@#not that psych meds arent a form of lobotomy
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