#my prefrontal cortex still isn’t fully developed though

[billybobhader]

If you see Bill Hader dating someone half his age and that person is ME, just know that I am the problem. That’s all on ME. Don’t blame my mans. I manifested that shit. It would be a welcome lapse of judgement in my world.

[lemondropletters]

*breathes in*

IM ALIVE!!!!

SORry!!! I’m trying so hard to compose myself right now (and failing) so I apologize for any nonsense I might write lol when I get this happy it’s like the human language just doesn’t exist any more.

anyway… @sophieswundergarten you’ve been holding out on me /lh this is your first fic??? like what?? and don’t say this is hot garbage!! garbage is something that I don’t want to look at ever again…this fic though??? I’ve like reread it 5 times already. Your writing is really good and everyone was in character! I was fully invested! no one said or really did anything that took me out of the story at all. you really are a great writer! /gen Don’t say anything different 💕🫂

anyway did you think I was done? cause oh boy :)))

Milligan finding him wahhh 😭 I’ve suddenly developed a really strong love towards him and reynie bonding and just Milligan comforting him etc. Of course the number 1 spot still goes to Benedict and Reynie but Milligan is a close second (anyway point being the small mentions of Milligan’s reaction to everything made me happy 🙏)

“Reynie, Reynie, hey, can you look at me? Look at me, Reynie, please. We did it, we beat them, they’re gone, we can go home now. Please, Reynie, please, just look at me. Reynie.” She took his face in her hands, but he didn’t even flinch at the sudden contact.”

crying sobbing bawling shaking rolling on the floor thro-

sticky’s “you knew?” 😭😭

“Tell us how to fix it, tell us what we need to do. Reynie’s never hurt you, he’s never hurt anyone. You had no right to do this, you had no right to take him away from us, tell us how to fix it—”

Kates reaction 😭😭 crying sobbing bawling shaking rollin-

Milligan holding her back 🧎‍♂️

“Sticky had begun pacing, eyes darting all over. Anywhere, really, to avoid looking at the frozen visage of his friend.”

pain :’) sticky trying so hard to come up with something to help reynie oml

curtain 💀 my guy. You really need to learn appropriate timing.

“I can’t feel him”…“It’s like he’s not there at all. Everything that makes Reynie himself, it’s just gone. Empty. Like this isn’t him anymore.”

*ahem* once again 🥰 crying sobbing bawling shaking t-

“I mean, I’m sure that you’ll find something, Nicholas. You’re so clever.” He ground out in a falsely cheerful voice.”

this made me laugh out loud lol I can just imagine curtains face as he forces himself to say anything positive about someone else.

((like In one of my “curtain visions” I was crying about something and the grimace on his face as he slowly patted my back and then tried, and failed miserably, to say comforting words of encouragement was just- 💀 anyway this was similar to how’s he acted in my dreams lol))

“That would be logical…” Curtain trailed off, considering, “We could always try electrical impulse insertion, that’s likely to reset the prefrontal cortex—” “Yes, and it’s also likely to reset his entire personality!” Mr. Benedict threw up his hands in exasperation.”

ooo 👀 wait that’s actually a good idea…another thing to add to my reynie angst list 🥰

Constance 💀 (“it’s not a cult” “it was a cult”) another dynamic I love is just Constance attacking Curtain at every turn lol

miss perumal talking in Tamil with reynie 🤲💖

“Mr. Benedict himself took over at this point, telling him how proud he had been to meet such a wonderful child, one who had passed all of their tests with flying colours and had such a strong love of truth.”

*screaming into a pillow*

oh man that whole section,,Kate and sticky helping reynie sit in the circle as they would for a society meeting oh my word… my heart is just

the way you describe everything is so good. I can picture everything so clearly!

MISS PERUMAL GIVING THEM THE LETTERS 😭 it feels like like she’s saying ‘these are his last words’ in a way and i am just :’))

“her friend’s faces only mirrored her own hesitance”

random but there’s just something about this line that just sounds nice. It rolls of the tongue…idk lol

“rival bird-watching group” what 💀 I want to read the letter now lol

“Reynie had poured his heart out in these pages, writing about the little quirks and traits that he had noticed and appreciated in his friends that they hadn't even seen in themselves…Line after line on page after page of the most heartfelt words detailing how much he loved them.”

I just??? I’m like?? reynie i love him so much oh my word I’m gonna start crying

*insert me copying the entire letter scene you wrote* (I’m trying so hard to not just copy and paste you’re entire fic when mentioning the parts I like lol)

REYNIE CHILD HIS EDITS TO THE LETTERS I WANT TO GIVE HIM A HUG SO BAD NOOOOO

((fr tho the way you’re using these letters to express how reynie really feels is just??? I could totally see him doing this,,which is really depressing but oh my gosh just. this is so good))

everything Kate and sticky are saying oh my word 😭😭😭

CONSTANCE AHSHHD 😭🧎‍♂️

“I know that you think you aren’t worth it when you’re being yourself. That we’ll leave if we see how you really feel about us, or how you act when your guard is down. That you’re more enjoyable when you’re like this, because you’ll always be happy and easygoing. But that’s not what we want. We want you, the real you, much more than this manufactured positivity.”

ngl I got kind of choked up at this part. which doesn’t normally happen to me when reading fics so congratulations!! As your reward here’s my therapy bill 🥰 /lh

“Please, the person you are is more than wanted, you are needed. You’re a part of our family”

I am going to explode.

“I try really hard to be nice and useful and there for everyone, so those kinds of things don’t feel like real compliments…It’s like getting a good grade on something you worked hard on. It’s nice, but it just means you need to work even harder to keep it up.”

this. 👆 this right here

the dialogue in this fic is just *mwah*

IS THAT WHY WHAT STICKY I don’t want their conversation to end nooo 😭😭

curtain please wait till they’re done taking oh my gosh 🙄 (jk I’m glad the rest of the family can know reynies okay lol)

reynie and amma 🤲💖💕💓

Man this seems way to long lol...hopefully you were able to make out some actual compliments besides me just screaming and crying the entire time 💀(even if you can't, just know those tears are still compliments)

You literally have no idea how hard it was for me not to just copy and paste every sentence and not share my heartfelt appreciation to each and every word ajdhahdh.

Sophie I am giving you the biggest hug right now. Truly and sincerely thank you for writing this. I'm pretty sure you've extended my life for another 10 years.

Love you and wish you the best!!! 🫂💖💓💕💖

So. Everyone who yelled at me yesterday for making a ramble on Reynie going blank and then not resolving it, this is for you: (@lemondropletters, you have been tagged)

Also, it's in a Google Doc because it was definitely too long for a Tumblr post, and ~~I don't know how AO3 works~~

The (vague) premise is that, instead of Constance seeing Curtain's broadcast, they all get to the compound mentally sound, but once there, they split up to look for Mr. Benedict, and instead Reynie finds Curtain. This is the wrap up of what would have happened in the last episode.

[charlieweasleysimp]

I’m currently rereading chapter 5 of So Sweet & Achingly Innocent <3 I just wanted to point out how much I love the idea of your OC’s dreams. The entire story makes it seem more interesting with it being told from Charlie’s POV. He seems so sweet with her. I know it’s an age gap relationship, which is something I don’t usually go for, but I admire the way you’ve written it. The mixture of fluff and sexual tension makes me so excited!

Oh thank you 🥺💜 I’m blushing right now, and can’t believe you’re rereading it again. You are so kind 💜😭 I was kinda nervous about posting it for both of those reasons. I wasn’t sure how it would sound with it being from his point of view, but the words just kept falling out in that way one day, so I kept at it. I liked the idea of readers being able to know all the dirty thoughts and everything else going on in his head. 🤗😉 The age gap relationship was the other thing I was worried about.. 😅 I do not condone that in anyway whatsoever. The 10 year age difference still kinda makes me cringe, especially since he’s coming back to Hogwarts as her teacher til the end of the year. I don’t care if she’s technically of age and graduating, if an older person is trying to date someone who’s brain isn’t fully developed yet (quoting this here because I just looked it up to be sure- ‘the brain doesn't fully mature until age 25. Up until this age, the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain that helps curb impulsive behavior — is not yet fully developed.’) then they are probably morally skeezy. I’m sure there’s people out there who’s relationships work out successfully, but in my experience, they are normally coming from a place with more insidious intentions. That being said, I started writing this while indulging in a quick daydream about an older guy I had a small crush on while reading one of those dirty Madison Faye books (most of her books involve older men.) And naturally I replaced the irl guy with Charlie Weasley. I am not perfect. Though I am married to a wonderful man who is less than a year younger than me, I typically prefer older men when it comes to fantasy. Most assholes might say I’m a slut with daddy issues, and some of those people might be just a little bit correct in that statement, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ I own up to it. The story itself is supposed to be hot, scandalous and taboo. Made for mature audiences and to be taken with grain of salt and a shot of tequila. But I wanted to write it in a way that Charlie knows he’s being inappropriate. But it also shows how much he cares and how attentive and loving you should be to your partner. It’s both wildly, morally grey and still romantic with a purpose. My messy, romance filled brain had a love child with spicy corruption and this was the result 😅🤣💀 So, yeah… do as I say and not as I dream. 😌💀🤣 Thank you for reading! I’m sorry I went off on a whole other topic but I just wanted to share how we originally got here. I appreciate you keeping an open mind. ☀️❤️

[rendezvous-ramblings]

TC blogs frequently speak out about the harms of being under 18 but don’t realize that once your birthday has passed, it doesn’t mean it’s healthy or legal for your teacher to start dating you. “I turned 18, now they’re in a relationship with me!” That’s still predatory and unethical, especially if you’re still in high school. It doesn’t matter if you’re legal. You’re still a high school student. If your teacher begins dating you DURING or IMMEDIATELY after high school, then it says a lot about their own morals and values. A, I am so glad that E is not a creep like some of the teachers in this community. Everybody, stay safe and don’t let these teachers fool you. Just because you’re legally an adult doesn’t make it okay. Life after high school will make you think differently.

Hey,

Yes, you're right this is definitely a topic that's not really talked about on TC blogs. I have received a few asks in the past on what to do "after graduation" and whether or not anon should confess to their tc. I never want to give someone a direct answer or opinion on something so serious. You can only divulge so much and in any case I'm only receiving your perspective. There's definite bias as everything is being filtered through said person. I can never truly know the relationship you have with your tc, personal circumstances, or the intentions of your tc.

For me, personally, as I've shared before, E and I shared our first kiss a few months into my freshman year of undergrad. I never fully shared the timeline of how our relationship progressed. However, we didn't start dating right after that (far from it!). E always felt guilty about his feelings for me. After the moment we shared he kept trying to convince me to "experience college and meet other people." He would encourage me to date guys my age despite the fact that wasn't what either of us wanted. It took him a long time to overcome his guilt and reservations of our age gap relationship and being my first everything. He didn't want me to resent him or whatever came out of our relationship, because he thought it was unfair I wasn't experiencing these relationship milestones with someone my age. I think the negative stereotypes and societal labels really made him conflicted in the beginning as well. This was thankfully all untrue for our scenario, however, it still bothered E very much as he didn't want that kind of judgment and scrutiny.

We essentially had to become friends on a more equal level before exploring how we felt. You can be friends with your tc but you're still limited due to the age gap/power dynamic. The fact that he had these considerations in the first place and shared his feelings with me...made me realize how genuine he is. I still think he was quite harsh on himself to an extent, but that's a side effect of his strong character and morals. Everything in our relationship was slowly paced even though I wanted to rush certain things 😅 I always felt more "mature" for my age and although E agreed...I definitely had to mature and become more comfortable in my own skin throughout college. I don't think E and I would have lasted if I was still stuck in the mentality/place I was at during my senior year of high school.

It is concerning when adults have no reservations about being with someone once they turn 18. In most cases they're only after one thing if they seem too eager to literally jump all over you. Teen brains and adult brains are different and I'm sure everyone always cites how the prefrontal cortex (for rational decision making) isn't fully developed until you're 25. Teens and younger adults do tend to be more impulsive and our lack of life experience also furthers the gap between a tc or older crush. Please read up on predatory behaviors and trust your instinct if you feel like you're in an unhealthy or manipulative situation. Confide in someone you trust if you feel like some biases are blocking you from making a rational decision.

[broccolianddandelion]

Chapter 291: In which hearts are broken (including mine)

TThis might honestly be my favorite bnha chapter so far. This arc feels like a turning point in the entire series, and the emotional stakes have never been higher. Hori drives the oomph home with artwork that does an incredible job capturing the devastation Touya is raining down on the social order. Characters have never seemed so fragile in their pain, even Endeavor.

First, Touya as a child was an actual angel.

Maybe because I’m old and have Stuff Going On, this hit me:

This is the face of man whose grief over his dead child has been torn open.

We learn in this chapter that life in the Todoroki household isn’t as black and white as we thought it was. Keeping in mind that neither Touya nor Enji are reliable narrators, there is a part of Enji that has always cared about his family. Now I’m going to get into territory that is both controversial and probably hard for many bnha readers to sympathize with.  Enji was likely in his early 20s when Touya was born. This may be hard for many teens to believe, but in your 20s you are still young: your personality isn’t fully formed, your prefrontal cortex has barely developed, your ability to form sound judgement is iffy. Enji’s fate was not yet set in stone. He ended up listening to his darker angels and allowed himself to become consumed by hatred and jealousy, which is unfortunate and does not excuse his subsequent actions, but damn, does it make for good family drama.

All this is to say, something broke in Enji when Touya died -- the manifestation of Enji’s hopes and dreams, even as unheroic as they may have been. (Remember, he could have changed!) Nevertheless, his sorrow was genuine.

Chapter 249

Not sad enough for you? Have some more Todorokis about to get their lives shattered?

And we can’t forget “Can’t you see-kun” who was started out shocked in Chapter 290:

To denial:

To anger:

To more shock (no acceptance here):

To “please god it can’t get any worse.” (Bonus: shocked and heavy-hearted Bakugou and Midoriya)

To unbridled devastation:

Twice, when he realizes he’s about to die at the hand of someone he thought a friend:

Endeavor, when he learns of Hawks’s actions:

(I can only imagine how Hawks is going to feel when he learns the truth about Endeavor.)

Tokoyami, desperate to save his mentor:

And Shouto, who begs his father through his tears to save his friends:

At least we end on a couple positive notes -- the twin stars having Resolve.

And everyone’s favorite presumed-dead, denim-clad hero:

What a ride. As I said, for me this chapter was all about the emotion. Hori’s drawings scream, weep, and rage right off the page. Horikoshi is perhaps more celebrated for his action sequences (though I swear sometimes I can’t tell what’s going on until Hexamendle’s take), but he is equally talented at reminding us how very human his characters are.

[bucketsofsaltblog]

The Nature of Yatori - an Essay

Plus a Yatori sketch at the bottom :)

None of you could possibly know this because I’ve never mentioned it on this blog, but first and foremost, I am a storyteller. I draw for fun sometimes and I’ve posted a couple pieces on this blog but writing is the one true passion I have in life. For several years now, I’ve been pretty serious in my endeavor to dissect and analyze pieces of media, regarding the quality of their storytelling. Compared to the circles I run in, I think I might be overly harsh in my analyses, or maybe everyone else is just overly lenient (though for the 1000+ books I have shelved on Goodreads, my rating average on Goodreads is a whopping 2.9 out of 5 stars, LOL), but the fact of the matter is— Noragami is one of the most beautifully written/illustrated stories I’ve encountered in my experience. 

I have a thing for subtlety and Adachitoka is really good at toeing the line between subtle and overt. It’s actually really impressive. Mostly though, I’m in absolute awe of how talented she is at writing realistic character dynamics and relationships. I’m telling you, I've never ever, not ONCE, loved a cast of characters as much as I love this one.

I’ve been seeing a number of people talking about why they don’t ship Hiyori and Yato and how they see it as gross and pedophilic or just platonic and now I have to write a whole rage post addressing why these claims are asinine or I won’t be able to focus on ANYTHING until I do. 

___

POINT 1: “Hiyori is underage”

___

I’ll open by laying down some cold hard facts. Studies have shown that the brain isn’t even fully mature until a person reaches their thirties or forties. The prefrontal cortex changes in early childhood, reorganizes in late adolescence and onward, which explains why sometimes adults act like teenagers with bouts of sulking, throwing temper tantrums, and even experiencing social anxiety well past their teen years. This research comes from Professor Blakemore of Cognitive Neuroscience at University College London.

Despite this research, however, depending on the country you look at, what is considered adulthood drastically varies. In some countries a 12 year old may be considered an adult. In others, you can cry until the cows come home, but until you’re married you will not be acknowledged as an adult.

Now about Yatori. I’ve had people tell me that shipping Yatori is currently gross but after she turns 18, then it’ll be okay. 18 is not some magical age where you gain sexual agency overnight. Why are we so overly dogmatic about this??  In terms of mentality, there is not much difference between a sixteen year old and an eighteen year old. I remember when I turned 18, I felt so gross and vulnerable because on a technicality I was now fair game for older guys to hit on, even though I still felt the same as I did when I was “underage.” Adulthood is a social construction. Am I saying an eighteen year old should be allowed to have sexual relations with a twelve year old? Obviously not. Personally, I don’t think a twelve year old has developed the agency to be making decisions like that. But then, I can’t assume the eighteen year old has either. Some people are incredibly autonomous at a young age, and some never develop that autonomy, which could be due to a number of factors like child abuse which can stunt a person’s growth in maturity and autonomy.

On the matter of “incredible autonomy” let’s talk about Hiyori. Adachitoka has done a fantastic job showing Hiyori’s growth in this story, from an idealistic girl. . 

. . . to a realistic adult. 

Also, let me gush about Hiyori real quick: She is SUCH a fantastic strong female lead in that she doesn’t derive her competence and independence by acting in a masculine manner, a trope that a lot of stereotypical “strong female characters” fall victim to.

___

POINT 2: “Yato is just as old as Tenjin, people only ship it because Yato LOOKS young” __

So just a couple things here. First of all, let’s not compare Yato and Tenjin. If you’ll allow me to remind you, Sugawara no Michizane was human before he died and was deified as the god of learning. He was human, and he was also fifty-eight years old. Fifty-eight! Yato was never human, so it’s like comparing apples and oranges. Gods age differently. Their lifespan is much longer than that of a human’s so the difference in aging makes sense. But I think we also need to pay mind to the fact that age does not equal maturity. As I mentioned above in my points about autonomy and the prefrontal cortex, maturity isn’t something you gain overnight, due to some arbitrary number the government states as the age they’ll recognize you as an adult. I have a friend who’s always been incredibly mature since entering high school, you know, paying bills and taxes, and working a job, and all that good stuff. My older brother, who is going to be twenty-two in a couple months didn’t even know how to properly shampoo his hair until earlier this year. (Seriously, who doesn’t know that you’re supposed to work the soap into a lather???) The point of this juxtaposition is that maturity isn’t and shouldn’t be defined by age. I also mentioned that child abuse can stunt the natural growth of one’s maturity and independence.

Yato’s father is a known abuser. I don’t want to get too much into this because I’ve already spent more time on this essay that I originally planned and @echodrops​ has already written a brilliant analysis on the nature of that relationship, but I do want to draw attention to the number of studies that link abuse with the loss of autonomy. Here’s a sample of one of many:

 “When children experience abuse or neglect, such development can be compromised. The effects of abuse and neglect are seen especially in brain regions that are dependent on environmental input for optimal development, and on aspects of functioning especially susceptible to environmental input. Early in development, infants are completely reliant on input from their caregivers for help in regulating arousal, neuroendocrine functioning, temperature, and other basic functions. With time and with successful experiences in co-regulation, children increasingly take over these functions themselves. Abuse and neglect represent the absence of adequate input (as in the case of neglect) or the presence of threatening input (as in the case of abuse), either of which can compromise development.” (New Directions in Child Abuse and Neglect Research, 2014)

From the get-go father made sure Yato was entirely reliant on him: 

and the moment Yato broke away long enough to start developing a moral compass and a sense of independence, 

Father made sure to cripple that budding autonomy to the point where Yato wouldn’t dare to step out of line, going so far as to blame Yato for Sakura’s death.

Even after Yato finally managed to escape his Father’s control, Father  constantly tells Yato that Hiyori and Yukine are going to leave him, that the only ones Yato can truly trust are Father and Hiiro, etc etc. 

This kind of abuse has repercussions, repercussions that come in the form of stunted maturity. Not to mention Father always referring to Yato being in his “rebellious years.” Either way-- how can people possibly compare Yato to Tenjin and think it’s a fair or even accurate comparison?

POINT 3: “Hiyori and Yato’s relationship was not explicitly written as romantic”

This point should be the shortest because I can refute this argument with only a couple panels. Let me start by saying it’s obvious Hiyori and Yato deeply care for each other.

Both of these interactions aren’t inherently romantic but many choose to interpret them that way. Which is fine. I do, too. However, we also have these panels:

Now for arguments sake, let’s play these interactions (to think this is only a small fraction of all the interactions I could have picked from) off as --much needed-- comic relief. In my opinion, I think it’s obvious Yato and Hiyori love each other, but the question is are they in love with each other? Based on these panels, I would say no. Even Yato’s grand gestures of love don’t scream “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, HIYORI.” The way I interpret this is that Yato knows he loves Hiyori so he tries showing her in the most spectacular ways he can without understanding the implications of each. 

Up until this point, I can understand why someone would say the relationship between them could be interpreted as platonic. And yet we have these panels.

(This might be nuance but I think in the original Japanese,Yato says he loves someone)

These panels I think contradict any argument that someone might make that the relationship between Yato and Hiyori isn’t romantic. You might say “well, loving someone isn’t the same as seeing them as a prospective romantic partner” and to that I say we look at the context of both panels. What I find interesting, though, is that in both cases, the context was Kazuma.

First we have this scene, in which Kazuma confesses romantic feeling for Bishamon. Below is the scene where Yato talks about a former crush of Kazuma’s.

I know I shouldn’t have to prove what Kazuma feels for Bishamon is romantic but on the off chance I do:

(Context: Kazuma envying the relationship Kofuku and Daikoku share) (and if you need proof that the relationship Kofuku and Daikoku share is romantic, then, wow, I really don’t know what to say to you)

In any case, I think it’s safe to say that with this much context, if you’re choose to read the relationship between Hiyori and Yato as anything less than romantic, you’re playing yourself. In reference to the distinction I made before between loving someone and being in love with someone, I think with this much context, it is blatantly obvious that the relationship Yato and Hiyori share is one of a romantic nature. But I want to make a note, one of my favorite things about Yatori is that the love they share isn’t just romantic. That’s what makes it so good. There’s mutual trust between them, there’s friendship. They care so deeply for each other and it really warms my heart that they aren’t just reduced to each other’s love interests but they’re best friends (I’d even go as far as saying they’re each other’s family) as well.

tl;dr: you should ship yatori because they’re really cute and you’ll make me sad if you don’t

[in-tua-deep]

I don't really have anywhere I'm going with this idea but sometimes I wonder how affected by being 13 again Five really is. As much as he complains about being older & remembers his life, he still jumped himself back to a teen body and like?? how do brains work? his mind wouldn't be fully developed anymore so how much of his rudeness/recklessness/impatience/irritability is just down to him being a teen in a very stressful situation lol

okay i will be honest i am not a huge fan of neuropsych even though the class was really interesting!! Mainly because the brain is a big and very complicated organ that has a lot of parts that my own loser brain can’t keep straight whoops 

but you are very correct in that the brain of a teen is very different from an adult brain!! I actually remember watching a whole video in class about that specifically where it was a teen vs. an adult reacting to embarrassment where they were stared at by strangers

Five jumping back is a fascinating subject on how it affected him because theoretically he jumped back into his 13-year-old body right? BUT he still had the tracker implanted in his arm which implies that it didn’t just reset him, or at least not for physical items? Would a tattoo have stayed, considering the ink could be considered a foreign object? Does that mean Klaus would get to keep his tattoos even if he turned back to 13 when they jumped backwards? Is there anything else the Commission did to him that stuck around? 

I mean Five was an old man who was affected by starvation and malnutrition as well as having to deal with contaminated air, unclean water, vitamin deficiencies, general exposure to the elements, not to mention the extreme isolation and effects that would have on him mentally all of these lasting for almost four decades so you can’t tell me that the Commission didn’t have to do some serious medical catch up and I would absolutely not be shocked if a tracker wasn’t the only thing they did in that time tbh

honestly I think that the only reason his arm wasn’t goofed up was because his adult self was stunted enough from malnutrition that Five’s arm didn’t have a whole lot of shrinking to do around the capsule or move it too much?? I mean it’s not like Five’s suit was exactly hanging off of him, adult Five wasn’t too much bigger than teen Five (which was probably a good thing, no real issues in reach or equilibrium to throw him off in a fight)

where were we again

AH YES THE BRAIN

well yes absolutely teen Five is probably a whole lot more emotionally compromised than your regularly scheduled Five and not just because he’s under extreme stress - which he very much is!! But yeah - teens tend to think with more emotion than reason because the prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed yet (though everyone’s brain develops at a different pace and there’s no concrete number for when things settle, though there are averages of when a brain is at its peak for certain tasks)

(apparently you’re best at remembering unfamiliar names when you’re 22,, i hope in three days on my bday i suddenly become good at it because i’m garbage at names right now oof)

on the bright side Five probably regained some serious grey matter in his little expedition because 12 is when you peak at grey matter volume so if Five wants to learn new skills before the unused stuff is pruned away he’s at a good age for it

honestly one of the most tragic parts of Five going to the apocalypse when he did is that he was at the fun delicate age where peer interaction becomes really important to social development. and right at that age where people are really important, he managed to fling himself into a period where everyone was dead. I’m not surprised he had Dolores - i’m more surprised he didn’t have more mannequin friends tbh

of course, teens are also known for increased risk taking so his jump to the future is a tiny bit explained by that, i have no doubt that the kids who weren’t terrified of their powers did more than a little bit of experimenting themselves like you can’t tell me that Luther didn’t try lift way more than he could handle and we literally see Klaus setting fires and the kids were already doing risky things a la sneaking out and getting donuts at Griddy’s under their dad’s nose

think about it!! it’s possible that Five is going to go through proper growth spurts he never did the first time around due to lack of nutrition! he might get tall!! i mean if him and luther are actually twins then it’s possible five is going to shoot up in height which he is not going to be used to just a gangly teen stumbling over his new extra height like a colt (while also murdering the rest of the family for teasing him about this)

Five is thirteen again what a wild age, and an important age

he’s almost in high school i mean damn do y’all remember what high school kids can be like?? you people still in high school look at your peers and tell me a lot of them aren’t little shits but like,, it’s important because your peers are important!! in fact, after a certain age your peers become more important to your development than your family - which is why you’ll get plenty of kids whose idea of morals and politics are very different from their parents!

okay i have rambled a whole lot but yes

Five has a lot of growing up to do!! but also jumping back, even with the added impulsiveness, lack of emotional control, etc. would also fix lots of issues Five probably had - aches and pains and damage from badly set bones and dental issues from lack of hygiene and any and all problems from his malnutrition etc. etc. 

so he does have some things to be vaguely thankful for even if being stuffed into a body that no longer belongs to you is still really sucky because despite everything five earned those aches and pains and scars and there’s a certain level of pride in surviving and having those reminders that he did survive 

and all of that was gone in the blink of an eye, erased as if it never happened - and it did happen

i’m sure Five’s siblings would love for him to pretend it never happened and sweep it under the rug and start acting ‘normal’ again but it happened! it happened and five was messed up from it! except it didn’t happen in this timeline and it’s just,, it must be really hard to be him i don’t know

:(

[jazzs-side-hoe]

Everyone is going to hate me for my twilight opinions but here we go:

DISCLAIMER: I haven’t read the books in a while and I lent them out AND I haven’t read midnight sun yet. These are my own and if you don’t share in them, THATS OKAY. let me know what you think or what’s in the books and we can discuss things!! Like civil human beings. I don’t bite without permission. Also, minor cussing.

So in no particular order:

1.) Carlisle and Esme are not getting any parents of the year trophies from me. I don’t think they parent. Sure “don’t cuss” and “don’t break the furniture” could be parenting but damn it when Edward came home after new moon and Carlisle or Esme didn’t spank his butt or ground him or discipline him whatsoever... that really didn’t sit well with me. they seem like they are just there to make sure they don’t slip up on the vegetarian diet. Like... the “kids” were turned between what? 17&20? Like Edward and Alice, and Rosalie (but she is another can of whop ass that I am not even gonna touch right now) and sometimes Emmett cuz he can be childish (but he is not a child!) need a PARENT and honestly, parents can be your friend yes, but like they should also tell you when you’re being a lil shit and dish out a APPROPRIATE punishment. Like Edward got cried over and asked not to do it again by Esme. I dunno. I just.. the prefrontal cortex of the brain isn’t fully developed until you’re what? 24? That’s the new age of adulthood. And none of them are there yet and I think all of the “kids” need PARENTS not a VAMPIRE NUTIRITIONIST

2.) I don’t see Carlisle as THAT good of a leader. Maybe I’ve read a lot of fanfic and am a little biased but if Bella was a part of the family, why not take out ALL the nomads in twilight (or at least those after Bella — James and Victoria) (like jasper said) to keep the coven family safe. He seems to get pulled or swayed by Edward and Alice a lot. Hell, the family follows their lead for most of the time! Like... that.is.not.okay(to me.)

3.) why does Alice have (metaphorically) Jaspers steel balls in her tiny lil Prada clutch? Like Jasper went from being the MAJOR to being reduced to THE WEAKEST LINK. Do Alice and/or Edward deliberately tell the family that “oh he’s gonna kill that human” or he was thinking naughty thoughts” or whatever to keep jasper down? Like damn give the man a chance? I’d like to think Jasper, after living with the Cullens, now thinks that human life and all life for that matter is special and that he isn’t rasict anymore and can genuinely get to know humans and not be watched all the time. (The illustrated guide says that Carlisle suggested that Alice and jasper get married) like jasper has excellent control on his own, but add the bloodlust of everyone minus Carlisle, and damn i would struggle too, y’all.

3.) does Rosalie hit Emmett a lot or is it just me? It may be just me.

4.) while yes, Rosalie didn’t ask for vampirism and was abused, she got her revenge. I would bet my bottom dollar she had PTSD, anxiety, and even depression. I’m sure Emmett, and the rest of the family, is there to support her though all her emotional fluctuations and is there to hold her while she breaks down or are waiting for her when she wants space, but she’s almost cruel. She was towards Carlisle, which I understand to an extent. He forced her into this life, but she got Emmett, she’s safe, she is no longer defenseless. Like, I dunno, man She’s so damn brilliant, so smart, so brave, she’s loyal and loves so fiercely, that it hurts me when she is cruel or doesn’t want Bella changed. But it was Bella’s choice and she should have respected it. I’m glad someone was there for Bella during her pregnancy, but what was the underlying motives? I love rose. But she confounds me. She’s like a tornado and So complex and I LOVE IT.

5.) what’s with the whole mate thing?

So if the Cullens aren’t drinking human blood, they don’t have that competitiveness in them. Does that mean they can fall out of love with their mates? Is there a forever mate?

6.) yes I saw Edward be all excited for the wedding and all that, but does he love her for her or like rose said, is he in love with the idea of love. Also, doesn’t me manipulate her? Doesn’t Alice manipulate her? Do they still love her when Bella acts like herself or when she gets mad or doesn’t do what they say?

7.) renee should have left Bella with Charlie when she was a baby. I’m sure some of the things that went on in Bella’s childhood would be classified as neglect. Like Bella had to parent RENEE. Didn’t Bella have to cook and make sure bills were paid when she was young and Renee was doing whatever stupid thing was hip or whatever? Or have to make No wonder she loved the Cullens so much, she wanted parents who would love her and be normal, and she saw them as just that (except they don’t disciple their kids) (and they’re vampires)

8.) why does everyone hate on Maria? Like yes, she made a army and used them and wasn’t nice, but she and jasper are on good terms now. Why does everyone hate Maria??!!

[yourwakingnightmares]

Theo Raeken: A Character Study (Part 1): Theo’s Childhood

So obviously there’s a lot of different interpretations, view points, and theories surrounding our (or at least my) favorite Chimera. Was he always bad? Did the Dread Doctors brainwash him? Did he really shove his sister into the freezing river to drown? Why was he so desperate for a pack, only to kill them off one-by-one? What’s his deal with Liam, anyways?

Well... While I’m sure y’all have different opinions, I’m here to offer mine. 

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Based off what we see, we can come to a few logical conclusions based off actual cannon. Namely, three instances of Theo’s childhood that we either see, or hear about. Firstly... Whether or not Theo pushed Tara, he definitely watched her freeze, doing nothing to help. Secondly, we see a young Theo, lying on a table, as the Dread Doctors start cutting into him -while he’s fully awake. Thirdly, he tells Stiles, “I was nine years old, I also believed that a guy in a red suit came down the chimney to deliver presents. So when three people in leather masks showed up and said that my sister wanted me to have her heart, I believed them too.”

From these three things, we can determine a few things, and speculate on a few more.

For the first part, we have to delve a little deeper into child development, so please bear with me for a minute. 

At the age of nine, personality is just starting to form -children are just starting to understand the concept of ‘empathy’, i.e., that other people have feelings too. Because, at the end of the day, up until  the ages of 8-10, children are basically small sociopaths, with no impulse control (due to a still-developing prefrontal cortex). It’s at this point that all the lessons that mom and dad have been trying to teach start to cement; when kids finally start to understand why they can’t take things from others. Up until this point, parents act as the child’s conscience and impulse control for them -logic, for children, at this stage, equals out to ‘I want the cookie, the cookie is there, I’m taking the cookie’. It’s parents who step in, and say, “No, you can’t, we’re having dinner soon.” The child doesn’t understand, seeing nothing beyond the instant gratification; they want it, so they should have it; the parental figures teaches them that this is wrong, helping to develop that empathetic response. It’s at the ages of 8-10, that the child starts to take mom or dad’s lessons to heart, which helps determine their empathetic response, which in turn, helps regulate their impulse control.

We can clearly see, as Theo sits, watching his sister freeze to death, calling his name, that his sense of empathy is either warped, or underdeveloped (not non-existent though; we see him capable of some sort of empathy later). This could be due to a number of factors, but the most likely, given the evidence, is simply that he wasn’t taught empathy. That his parents either neglected to teach him to empathize with others, or that -through systematic abuse -taught that a person’s own gratification means more than someone else’s feelings (the parental figure didn’t care about his feelings, only their own).

Next, let’s discuss the ‘surgery’ that turned Theo into a genetic Chimera. Because this one scene could mean a multitude of things, and is one of the best scenes to dissect to figure out Theo’s behavior.

We see a nine year old Theo, awake and aware, as the Dread Doctors cut Tara’s heart out, and then start cutting into him, and he just watches. No panicking, no screaming; it goes without saying that this would most certainly not be a nine year old’s normal response to creepy men in gas masks, hissing and clicking as they cut apart his sister, and then start cutting into him.. This could mean one of three things.

The first is that the Dread Doctors had already convinced Theo they were ‘helping’ him, or that he had already spent enough time around them to not be afraid of them, and to trust them at least to a certain extent. How long would it take to convince a child not to be afraid of the ‘monsters’? A few weeks? Six months? A year? Either way, this explanation would require that they had spent a significant amount of time ‘grooming’ Theo before that moment, and that his parents somehow missed this, and that Theo never told anyone.

The second option is that Theo’s fear response was far different than most children his age, and that could happen a number of different ways. Physically abusive parents could do this, for the same reason a horrifically traumatic event could. Over time, the body becomes numb to fear; you can look up the fear response, how the brain produces adrenaline that creates the ‘flight or fight’ mentality, and how eventually, the brain simply numbs itself to keep the adrenaline from destroying the body (evolutionary survival trait). So, for this option, it would involve a nine year old Theo having experienced such trauma, or fear, that it would essentially handicap the normal fear response for his survival.

And the last option is that Theo knew his fear meant nothing; that being afraid, kicking and screaming, throwing fits, etc., would accomplish absolutely nothing, and there was no point in it. We see this often times in cases where a child has been emotionally neglected; in essence, they’re taught that their responses to external or internal stimuli don’t matter; literally that no one cares how they feel about an event, or situation, that whatever it is, isn’t going to change no matter their opinion or feelings on the matter. As with ‘dampening’ the fear response, this isn’t a quick process, but one that would take years of conditioning.

Alright, last point guys (for this part anyways). Theo’s response to Stiles, talking about him ‘believing a guy in a red suit came down the chimney’, and that’s why he believed the Dread Doctors. As with the empathetic response, the ages of 8-10 is the standard age when kids start to realize -if there’s no adult interference prior -that there’s no such thing as Santa, and the Easter Bunny, and all that good jazz. They’re becoming aware enough of the world, and their place in it, that they no longer believe in magic, when reality starts to overtake imagination.

Let’s presume that Theo was telling the truth about still believing in Santa at the age of nine. Sure, he could have just been a late bloomer, developmentally stunted. Or, as we often times see in children growing up in neglectful or abusive homes, Theo held on to a fantasy; that he withdrew into himself, because the real world sucked. Living in your head is better than reality, so you hold onto childish, or improbable ideas and ideals longer than what would be considered ‘socially acceptable’.

Most kids, by that age, understand not to trust strangers -especially creepy looking strangers in masks who (it can be presumed) only come around when nobody else is there. Again, they’re becoming more self-aware at this age, so the typical response to three creepy folks showing up in masks and saying, “Hey kid, we want you to shove your sister into a river and let her freeze, because she wants you to have her heart!” would be to run for the nearest adult.

Theo, however, either believes them entirely, doesn’t care if Tara actually wanted him to have her heart or not (see Part 2 for more on Theo and Tara’s relationship), or that he didn’t have anyone to run to.

All of this, when taken together, and viewed as a whole, paints a fairly bleak picture of Theo’s early childhood; whether his parents simply didn’t give a damn about him (emotionally/physically neglectful), or they were outright abusive being the most rational conclusion to come to -at least, based off of his childhood behaviors.

Part 2 Theo And Tara

Part 3 Theo and the Dread Doctors

[brunchbitch]

I’m so interested about the research paper you wrote on medical marijuana! Can you tell us some about it?

Sure! 

So it was technically looking at the ethical implications of prescribing medical marijuana to children, but I had to read up about the effects, medicinal and recreational, of marijuana including cbd oil. Basically with kids under 18, marijuana use is very very risky bc it can cause abnormalities in certain parts of the developing brain (the hippocampus, affecting memory, and the prefrontal cortex, affecting executive function and planning). Marijuana use (high THC) in kids can lead to an increased risk of psychosis, stroke, and addiction. The pleasure-seeking and impulsive parts of the brain are very activated in kids which means they may not be able to fully understand the risks of marijuana. With the legalization of recreational or medicinal marijuana in many states, kids’ attitudes on the harmfulness of marijuana have changed - many kids think “well it’s legal [though only for adults] so it’s probably not harmful” which is not great bc it can be very harmful with kids.

However, there are also some cases in which marijuana use has been very helpful. Generally, most of the negative effects come from strains with high THC. One article I read explained that there are no existing studies that show the same negative/harmful effects from just CBD, but one of the problems is that there just isn’t a lot of research out there, especially on medical marijuana with kids. Part of the issue is the classification of marijuana as a Schedule I drug - meaning (according to the gov’t) there are NO therapeutic or beneficial effects of the drug and it has a high likelihood of abuse. Unfortunately, to change the classification, the FDA needs proof (randomized controlled trials) showing that marijuana can have positive impacts and is not always harmful, but there is very little federal funding available for studies like that. There also isn’t really a patented marijuana product that would make it easy to do those studies (such as “alright the control group gets this pill (which is a placebo) and the experimental group gets this pill (which is a Marijuana™ that has the exact same percentage in each pill and the exact same dosage)”). Another issue, which is more controversial, is that the classification is from the War on Drugs era in the 70′s which put a LOT of people in jail for possession (and an EXTREMELY disproportionate amount of POC, esp. men of color), leading us to a massive incarceration regime (side note: did you know that black men have a ONE IN THREE chance of going to prison in their lifetime? how fucking insane is that?) so I feel like there’s also a lot tied up there in terms of the gov’t maybe not wanting to change the classification bc they just don’t want to admit they were wrong and/or don’t want to deal with the headache of reversing some of the incarceration impacts. But Seattle recently decided to wipe all records of marijuana-related misdemeanor charges which is really cool and a step in the right direction. ANYWAY that was a tangent sorry, but still important to the issue.

For the positive uses of marijuana in kids, like I said, it’s usually low or no THC/high CBD, but it has been used to treat chemo-related nausea/appetite loss, weight loss, eating disorders, MS, a certain type of epilepsy (Dravet), and palliative pain care. Unfortunately, literally all of the studies I used about the positive effects of medical marijuana in kids were case studies of a very small number of patients. There needs to be more research and a way to ensure that kids can get pure marijuana (when parents rely on black market marijuana, it generally comes with all sorts of harmful additives and contaminants that can severely impact a kid, especially those who are already pretty sick). So there’s lots of barriers to treating kids with medical marijuana, but a lot of potential benefits if done in the right way.

So yeah! Lmk if you have any other questions. Personally I have found CBD to be super super helpful in treating my insomnia and I haven’t noticed any side effects from it.

[myaekingheart]

So, there’s just some stuff I feel like I need to get off my chest right now.

When I got up this morning, I didn’t even want to think about coming onto this hell-site. Normally my complaints are all in jest, like I laugh about how the Tumblr community can be really corrupt and unforgiving but it’s never anything serious. It’s on trend to laugh about how ridiculous the cliques on here are. But during this week, things weren’t so funny anymore.

I blame myself, mostly. I’m the one who opened my big mouth and got involved with something that was never my place to begin with. I saw a post I didn’t agree with and I said something about it, but I didn’t think it would escalate to the point that it did. Maybe you saw the back and forth, maybe you didn’t, but the gist of it is that I got in an altercation with a hardcore radical feminist over the significance of the father figure and it blew way out of control.

I’m not sorry for the things I said. I think for the most part, I was being pretty reasonable. Disagree with me if you’d like, but that’s my opinion and I‘m sticking with it. What bothered me about this wasn’t the fact that this person had apparently experienced what they consider abuse from their father, but the overarching generalizations they were making about fathers as a whole. Seeing someone denounce an entire demographic solely based on their own negative experiences really rubbed me the wrong way. I understand that if you’ve been abused by your father, or any parent or adult whatsoever, you are more than allowed to feel resent, aggravation, and even hatred towards them. You’re allowed to cry and curse and question. That’s only natural. I would feel the same way in that predicament.

The problem arises, however, when you take those negative emotions and thrust them unto other people. You cannot apply a localized incident to the perception of the whole. Child abuse is common, I understand that. But that does not mean it’s normal. That does not mean that every other person has been beaten, belittled, and backstabbed by their parent. That does not mean that every father has looked at his daughter and thought to himself “What a disappointment because you don’t have a dick.” Some do, yes, but all and that I feel was the meat of the argument. This person refused to believe that any father was capable of goodness and kindness, that no matter what these men are sexist pigs who raise their daughters to believe they are inferior, that they overemotional and worthless, “raised as servants and trophies.” I’ve met and learned from a lot of people in my life, and especially the past few months as my colleagues have bore their rawest, truest selves in personal essays and short stories workshopped in class and out of the 60-some kids whose journeys I’ve read, only a small percentage have ever spoken ill of their fathers across both genders. If anything, they have praised their fathers for working multiple jobs to support their families or for the tender reactions they’ve had to their children’s suicide attempts after one too many classmates bullied them. Perhaps in different social circles, in different cities or countries or cultures, things are different and fathers are normally abusive and treat their daughters as if they are worthless and inferior. In fact, I know of quite a few places where this is probably considered the norm. I think without the context of where, it’s hard to pinpoint what is normalized and what isn’t because the world varies so greatly from one mile to the next but that doesn’t mean any of that treatment is right or excusable. Nobody deserves to be treated like that by a parent. That, I comprehend completely.

This “discussion” could’ve been conducted in a civilized and respectful manner. We could’ve been adults about this. But we weren’t. I did my best to be respectful, to try and point out where this person was going wrong with their viewpoint because I personally find it shameful and petty and completely narrow-minded to believe that there is only one way to experience something and that however you experienced it is that one way. It shows a sincere lack of empathy and that your only concern is to further your own agenda by forcing your close-minded ideals on someone else. Like, for example, someone only likes to eat their sandwich when it’s cut in rectangles. They’ve never eaten a sandwich any other way. This is fine until you meet someone who eats their sandwiches cut in triangles. This is new and different and scary. You can either accept that people eat their sandwiches all different kinds of ways or you can completely denounce that it is even possible to eat your sandwich cut in triangles and tell anyone who believes otherwise that they are wrong and that their triangles are rectangles in disguise or something else completely ridiculous. I feel like that’s where the entire issue stemmed from, though: a refusal to believe that anything other than your own experiences are valid, and that people only ever experience things the same way you do.

This tension, I feel, rose to such a fever pitch, and this person apparently grew so frustrated with my refusal to agree that all fathers are horrible human beings, that I guess they ran out of tools in their arsenal to use against me and had to resort to personal attacks and belittling. Saying because I’m young, my prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed yet as if to form some sort of insult against my cognitive functioning and social capabilities. So basically as if to insinuate that my age is an excuse to peg me as less intelligent. Calling me an abuse-hating piece of shit solely because I don’t think it’s right for someone to hate a whole demographic based on a localized experience (but apparently that’s a trend these days? Like how the news reports specific incidents in which cops have hurt/shot/killed members of the black community, and suddenly every cop is a racist pig who deserves to die. Or if someone had been bitten by a dog as a kid so therefore considers every dog dangerous and wants them to be shot in the head or abused or something as if that’s going to atone for it.) Let me just repeat this: I’m not telling you to trust men, because trusting anyone without evidence of them being worthy is a stupid mistake anyways. If your father has proven that he is not worthy of your trust and respect, then by all means, don’t grant him that privilege. The trauma they have inflicted on you and anyone else whose shared your experiences is disgusting and wrong, and I don’t want to see girls raised in that narrow-minded, disgusting standard. Talk about your trauma, talk about your frustration, curse and cry and do whatever else you want to express what you feel about this, but just know that men treating their daughters like this is not normal and it’s not okay and not every father does this, so please do not try to make everyone else in the world conform to your own perception just because you have had a negative experience because not everyone shares that and to believe otherwise, or even say that that doesn’t matter, is petty and close-minded and sad.

Another contributor to the conversation even went so far as to blatantly assume I was a man because my views differed so greatly from their own, and then when I stated that I was, in fact, a woman, they went on to say that because I didn’t agree with their views, I might as well be a man. As if women are only worth advocating for and protecting if they align to a certain set of views. Denouncing my right to be a woman because I disagree is honestly so sexist and disgusting and I still can’t get it out of my head. I just cannot believe that apparently even though I’m a woman, I’m apparently viewed as scum and no better than those big, awful, misogynistic men because I don’t want what men have done to you to influence your demeanor so strongly that you spend your life stewing in hatred. I don’t think that’s any way to live, but do what you want. I have no control over how you live your life.

The thing that aggravated me more than anything, however, was the last condescending note on the last message I replied to: “It’s ok, I bring you the message of hope: your father doesn’t matter and you don’t need his approval to be happy.”

This seriously set me off. This person knows nothing of my father and to assume that he doesn’t matter solely because their experiences with their own father made them bitter and fostered a hatred for fathers as a whole is disgusting.

I don’t talk about my father a lot, and I don’t reveal a lot of information about him solely for the sake of protecting him (because I’m very protective over him) but I feel like I need to say something now. I need to let you know how far from my father deviates from his insinuation that he does not matter and that his approval is unimportant.

My father grew up his entire life wanting to be a police officer, and he fought for decades to achieve his dream. For years, he faced nothing but setbacks. He nearly lost his arm when it was crushed in a printing press. It’s a miracle he didn’t need an amputation. This happened mere weeks before his last test in the police academy, the one that would grant him a job if he passed. All of that hard work went down the drain, and he had to spend years in rehab just to get functionality of his arm back. Through that rehab, he began woodworking and had his own business where he’d work as a vendor at craft shows. Becoming a cop was a pipe dream at this point. The business was keeping us afloat just fine anyways, until the economy crashed and our business went under. He worked meaningless retail jobs just to keep us afloat, we moved every year, we even got evicted once and had to live in a hotel for a little while. He worked in a juvenile detention facility for a short time where he’d get into massive altercations with delinquent teens, one of which pulled his thumb back so far in a fight that my dad had to get surgery and go through another round of rehab. During this time, my dad was unhappy. He wasn’t pleased with where his life was going, and I think he felt like a failure because he was struggling to support his wife and child. There were times when my parents would fight and he would reach a breaking point and storm out. I resented him for a long while for this, but in retrospect I understand. I would’ve done the same. Throughout it all, though, he never made me feel as if I was incapable of doing anything or was inferior because of my gender. He rallied for me no matter what, he pushed me to work hard and kick ass and succeed in life. We’ve butted heads a lot and had our disagreements, but when I look back I respect and understand his perspective and my current self agrees with his views because I know I was naive and selfish back then and that what I thought was best for me may not have been the right path. I have seen the effects of financial turmoil, rejection, prejudice, and depression firsthand through the experiences of my father. I have caught him on the phone with my mother at rock bottom, saying he doesn’t understand why he tries anymore and saying he’d be better off dead. I remember stealing the phone from his hand and throwing it to the other side of the room, screaming crying at him how wrong he was because I knew he was worth more than he ever believed he was. When I was in middle school, after much encouragement from my mother, my dad finally decided to try becoming a police officer again. We pursued eighth grade and the police academy in parallel. After he graduated, he spent four years applying for jobs but his gray hair was an asset of discrimination. Nobody wanted to hire an old guy because he might be incapable of doing everything a twenty-something can. Finally, he was met with a department who wanted him, but his qualifications were quickly reaching their expiration. If he was going to finally do this, he would have to travel eight hours away to the state’s law enforcement headquarters, meet with the in court, and plead for an extension. This department promised to back him up. My dad made the long journey with hope that he’d finally achieve his dream. The department that wanted to hire him backed out last minute. My dad had to stand all alone in front of the higher ups and plead his case. A case which they rejected. My dad’s qualification expired and he still had not been hired. At this point, he no longer saw the point. He was prepared to give up. My mom refused to let him. They saved up all their money so he could afford to go through the police academy again and get re-certified. He graduated shortly after I graduated high school. He started applying again. Finally, someone wanted to hire him. And the best part was that it was our own county, so we wouldn’t have to move. This was a really drastic change for all of us as my dad began working 12 hour shifts on the road in a time when Black Lives Matter and hatred against the police was beginning to rapidly rise. This coupled with the fact that I was a full-time college student now, I was caught up in a boy who didn’t love me back, I was losing all my friends, and I was engaging in unhealthy eating habits all caused me to spiral. I nearly dropped out of college, which infuriated my father. He refused to let me give up, and didn't speak to me for two days when I insisted. At the time, I hated him for it but looking back from where I am now, I understand. He saw himself in me: that hopeless, angry, depressed being who didn't think they were capable enough and just wanted to take the easy way out. I took the bus to campus behind his back to beg an advisor to let me drop my classes. This advisor, who retired before I could thank him, convinced me to only drop half of my courseload. I confided in him about my fears, telling him of how I couldn't eat or sleep or focus because all I could think about was if my father was going to home that night. Of how every morning hug before he left for work might be the last. It haunted me. I couldn't stand to lose him. My dad and I have always had this very special relationship. When my mom's maternity leave ended, she went back to work and my dad raised me for the first year of my life. He always rallied for me and raised me under the notion that I was capable of anything I put my mind to. He never made me feel as if I was inferior or worthless or unloved. Everything he said and did was with the intention of encouraging me toward success, to achieve everything I could've possibly wanted. And while he achieved his own dream, things didn't get any easier. His field training officer constantly wrote shitty progress reports and poked fun at my father for his age, even if he was doing everything right. This affected his job performance so greatly that he was nearly fired because they thought he was incapable of doing the job correctly. Eventually, they came to an agreement. My father was put in the jail and trained as a corrections officer, making him dual-sworn, and would spend the year like that before being permitted to work on the road again. Despite still being in the corrections academy at the time, he was mistaken for a seasoned professional. To this day, he still works in the jail as a highly respected officer. It's not what he originally planned, but it's the hand he was dealt and he's still happy. And I could not be prouder of the man whom I call dad. Neither of us have been perfect-- we've butted heads and had our disagreements-- but in the end I understand why he's done the things he's done. He has fought against every setback thrown at him and still achieved his success and for that, he is the most resilient, inspiring human being I have ever had the honor of knowing. I seek his approval not because he is my father or even because he is a man but because I highly respect him. I want him to be proud of me. His approval is important to me because he does matter. The fact that someone who doesn't even know any of this had the audacity to tell me otherwise is why I reacted the way I did, because honestly how dare you.

I know I am incredibly lucky. I know I am privileged to have been gifted a father so strong and wonderful. He has left an immense impact on my life, my behavior, and my perception of the world that I am forever grateful for. I am highly protective of him because of all these things.

This is not to say that I expect all fathers to be so great. I know that's not true. I know there are fathers out there who are completely horrible. I have seen that firsthand, as well. My boyfriend's father has filled him with broken promises and favors a son that is not even of his own blood. My best friend's father has been less than kind to both her and her mother and brother. Yet in both of these instances, despite the awful things these men may have done, in both cases neither are filled with so much hatred so as to completely denounce their father. They still care for their dads and would never wish anything ill upon them. Even the great Audrey Hepburn, whose father abandoned her as a child and was a Nazi sympathizer, reconciled with the man and supported him financially until his death. Perhaps these are just specific cases of rare compassion, an anyone else in the world would seethe and curse and spit. I can't help but humbly admire their strength. It's not easy to look at someone whose wronged you and tell them that you forgive them, that you would never wish harm upon them, and that you still care about them. Because hatred is easy. It takes no effort to end the discussion and walk away, to scowl and badmouth. You can live your entire life like that. And everyone is guilty of it. It's something I still struggle with to this day, as I imagine every does and will continue to do until the end of their lives.

If your father, or parent or any adult for that matter, has abused you then of course by no means are you required to forgive them. You can curse and cry and be angry about it. No matter how common it may be, treating your child like shit is wrong and abnormal and no one deserves to be subjected to that. It's only human to hold resentment toward those experiences but the way I see it is that we all have a choice: we can either let it define us, let that anger and hatred consume our every waking moment, or we can learn from those experiences, prove ourselves successful and strong, and pursue happiness in spite of our tragedies. Granted, Rafiki says it much more eloquently than I do: "The past can hurt but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." I'm not here to tell anyone how to live their lives, but I know that letting yourself stew in hatred gets old after a while. It rots your insides and leaves you cold and lifeless and tired. I don't think that's any way to live. We have such a finite amount of time on this earth, I can't imagine wanting to waste it feeling bitter when you can break those chains and learn to embrace something brighter with the cards you've been dealt. Maybe I'm naive, but I'd like to believe that all humans are inclined to be inherently good. We are complex, imperfect creatures who make mistakes and stumble but to err is only human. Everyone fucks up but it's how we react to those situations that truly define us. It's easy to be cynical-- the world is dark and cruel place with vile, selfish people-- but there's good in it, too. At the end of the day, we need to believe in the good in spite of the bad.

Mistakes and mistreatment are like paint. They build up over time until the entire canvas is smothered in ugly splotches and dribbling onto the floor. It's always going to be there somewhere in your house, but what you decide to do with it is your choice. You can let it sit there and resent it's existence, scoffing and sneering at it as it constantly looms, completely unavoidable. Or you can pick it up, lock it in the closet, and start a new canvas. One where you decide what to paint. You can bring continue to paint the same ugly picture, or you can paint something new and decide whether to include colors from the first picture or not. Either way, the choice is yours. Leaving the first one alone is easy. It requires no effort. But after a time, certain color combinations can make you sick if you live within them too long. It's not fulfilling to look at. Why waste so much time staring at something that makes you unhappy? Even if you decide to paint something new, however, your canvas is yours and yours alone as is the same with everyone else. No one can tell you what colors to apply, or even pick up your paintbrush, but you cannot do the same for others. Not everyone will need to put the first picture in the closet, and that's okay. Sometimes other people's paintings just come out prettier the first time around. But that doesn't mean you can splatter your own snot green and vomit yellow onto someone else's canvas because you're bitter and think every first canvas is inclined to be nasty and ugly from the getgo. To believe otherwise, to see colors that are not there, is only furthering your own agenda and contributing to a bigger problem. Accept that not everyone's canvas is the same. Accept that you have the option to put yours in the closet and repaint, that you don't need to stare at something so ugly for the rest of your life and harbor resentment towards every canvas in the world. The choice is yours:  you can stew in hatred or you can make the choice to grow. I'm not here to tell anyone which to pick, because that's not my choice. Only you can make that decision. I just hope that anyone facing a struggle and harboring resentment toward anyone can find that strength to not let it define them, to work towards finding their own happiness and making peace with the circumstances they've been dealt. Everyone deserves happiness, it's just whether or not we decide to pursue it in spite of the negative that dictates what path we take. 

[restoringsanity]

Wait, I don't understand your last post. Are you saying ages don't matter because you can change them? Because I agree with you but then you just stated basic stuff about how authors and creators choose the character's age and how they act and stuff and ??? I thought that was common knowledge??? Do antis think you can't change a character's age? And if so, why?

The post that prompted this ask.Disclaimer: This is looong. Also, it’s observational. I refer to science, but I’m not a scientist. I’m open to critique and correction.#1 Intro#2 Explanation#3 Examples & CounterArgument#4 Scientific Basis & Implications; SociologicalContext#5 Final Statement#1 Intro

Allow me to assure you that I am very happy you don’t fullyunderstand the purpose or necessity of my last post – I don’t meanto condescend or patronize, at all. I am sincere. It means that,perhaps, you haven’t yet been exposed to a certain brand of ‘logic’that I’ve been exposed to. If any of what I said seems obvious toyou, then you grasp a concept that is diffcult to process for some,and that some consider problematic for reasons that are beyondcreative.#2 Explanation

„you just stated basicstuff about how authors and creators choose the character’s age andhow they act and stuff and ???“

I’ll try to be as specific aspossible. The problem does not lie with the original creators per se,but how transformative media handles the characters in question –how fanart/fanfiction treats the characters. A number of peoplechoose to consider the original creator’s intention and theirspecific configurations for a character to be untouchable, even intransformative media. I don’t exactly have a strong position on this,to some degree – although I believe that transformative mediainherently strives to be what’s on the label: transformative. That’snot entirely the point I was trying to make, though. It’s yet morespecific.

„I thought that was common knowledge??? Do antis think youcan’t change a character’s age? And if so, why?“

Yes. Some do,in fact, think so. I’ll first try to present their reasoning in anunbiased fashion, then offer my own perspective on it.Changingthe age of a fictional character, or 'ageing them up’, especially ifthey’re underage – is 'predatory’. It’s supposedly akin to waitingfor someone to 'become legal’ in the real world. #3Examples & Counter ArgumentA real-world example:

Afamous teenage starlet is being fawned over by (adult) fans. Theyexpress the idea that they can’t wait for them to finally reach theage of majority, so that it will be legal for them to pursue thestarlet in a sexual manner.Their desire is direct, real, andaimed at the person (actual, real person) in question. One might betempted to conclude that their desire and attraction are of adivergent variety.

To contrast the real-world example, I’lloffer one that deals with a fictional character:

A fictionalteenage character is being fawned over by (adult) fans. They expressthe idea that they would like to 'age them up’ in their own work, forvarious reasons. The reasons might be a) their personal level ofcomfort b) an interest in developing the character further and pasttheir 'canon’ age c) personal preference, and many more. Theirintention might involve putting the character in sexualscenarios.Their desire is indirect, projected, and focused on anidea, rather than a person (actual, real person). Still, one might betempted to conclude that their desire and attraction are of adivergent variety.

To summarize; the idea is that the age of afictional character bears as much meaning and weight as the age of areal person, and any implications concerning the people expressing adirect or indirect desire for them are judged and measured equally,on equal terms.Now, I’ll proceed to present my counterargument.1. Firstly, acknowledging the questionable moralityof pursuing an underage person (actual, real person) and waiting forthem to reach the age of majority isn’t predatory. It’s actingaccording to law, and according to a codex of morals that has beenagreed upon by – at the very least – a considerable portion ofsociety. Desire itself isn’t inherently predatory. Desire is acomplex emotion. It manifests, and demands, but it does not enable,and it does not force. Expressing desire is just that – anexpression. Attraction isn’t a form of compulsion. It’s a form ofwanting, and wanting something or someone doesn’t automatically implyaction. Wanting is inaction. Having is action. These two are notinterchangeable.2. Secondly – and we’re dealing with thefictional example now – age in fiction does not automatically havethe same function and implication as it does in real life. Acharacter does not age on their own. They are not born. They do notgrow on their own. They are incapable of making experiences on theirown. They do not exist. They’re not real. They are decidedly,unquestionably, indubitably, demonstrably not real. They arenot you, they are not like you, they are not anyone,they are not. They’re an idea, a concept, a canvas foryou to project onto. Here’s where I’ll have to get a little (or alot) more general to further emphasize the point I’m making.#4Scientific Basis & Implications; Sociological ContextAny(direct) effect a fictional character or concept may have on you is aconsequence of you – it’s a consequence of the experiences you’vemade, how you process and experience their actions, their inactions,and the identifiers they’re presented with. In other words, how youprocess ideas and concepts, and how (much) they affect you  isdirectly connected to how you process most type of thought. It istied in with your level of maturity, your ability to differentiatebetween what’s real and what isn’t, and how well you deal withcompulsion and suggestion. It is veryimportant to understand this. If the existence, mention or suggestionof an act is enough to convince you to commit the act – youabsolutely need some form of (temporary) assistance. I’m decidedlynot being snarky, and I’m not exaggerating.The human brainhas (as far as we’re aware of) at least two components that deal withcreating, experiencing and evaluating impulse, and exercisingcontrol. The limbic system – in simplistic terms – deals withemotion and instinctive behavior. It acts in tandem with theprefrontal cortex, which deals with integration of memory content(experiences), evaluation of emotion, and planning of action. Theprefrontal cortex is also referred to as „SupervisoryAttentional System“ (SAS).Any claims denying people of aninherent level of agency and control over their actions disregard –to some extent – two integral parts of our brain. Damage to theprefrontal cortex may lead todifferent evaluation of impulses or sensory input, but not any givenindividual has suffered damage to their prefrontal cortex or had itdevelop differently in the womb. Of course, science is still verymuch in the process of studying the brain, and we know a merefragment of what there is to know. We do know, though, that what weperceive as morals and ethics and how 'good’ or 'bad’ a person mightappear to be, is also tied in with the biological development andbiochemical processes in their body (and brain, specifically).Thefollowing I had to preface with all this, so I can reallyhammer in the concept I’m trying to get across, and that people needto understand.Whenyou state that fiction affects reality, you need to understand whatyou’re saying. You’re saying fiction affects people.Yes – it does. But to what degree? Your understanding of thissubject needs to be nuanced.Here’swhat I stated earlier:

„If the existence, mention orsuggestion of an act is enough to convince you to commit the act –you absolutely need some form of (temporary) assistance.“

Whyis that? What might compel me to make such a claim? It’s the merefact that – if you can’t tell fiction from reality, and fictiondirectly affects you to a degree that disables your agency and allbut forces you toimitate, emulate, recreate or copy fictive concepts, then – in verysimple terms – your brain might not be working quite right, and itmight very well be an issue that is deserving of attention. Ifyou’re affected by the active and passive 'experiences’ ( – thesituations they’re put in) of a fictional character thatsupposedly/allegedly/apparently represents a concept that is similarto your actual experiences to a degree that causes you immensediscomfort, you may want to investigate your situation and reconsiderthe content you expose yourself to. Or in anon-run-on-sentence-format: If, for example, Fictional Character Asubjects others to harm, or is being subject to harm, and thataffects you to an immenselyuncomfortably degree, then you mightwant to talk to someone about it.The prerequisite for peoplebeing affected by fiction to an unhealthy, dangerous andharmful degree, is for themto start out affected, or unhealthy. It’s a mental health issue. Youneed to understand who you need to protect, and from what. If youwant to protect those who are affected by fiction to an unhealthy,dangerous and harmfuldegree, your activism needs to focus on mental health (issues), andnot on censorship. This is a tested, tried and true cop-out ofsociety. We notice a problem, and our approach starts out – andoften further remains – symptomatic. Because it’s significantlyeasier, and it doesn’t require the ability of complex thought.Pregnant teens? Tell them to stop fucking. Criminal youth? Makean attempt at discouraging crime by establishing harsher penalties.Kids shooting up schools? Blame just about everything other than asystem that treats the mentally ill as a nuisance and paints them aspotentially violent offenders; a system that is uncomfortablewith mental illness. Someone was sexually assaulted? Well – whatdid they wear?Additionally, I’m being very specific about thedegree of being affected that I consider worthy of attention. Havinga reaction to fiction is more often than not (– I’d even argue: inall cases) the desired effect. Having an immense, intense, unhealthy, dangerous and harmful reactionis not the desired effect.#5Final StatementNowthat I’ve established a staggering amount of context, I’ll saythis:If, in allhonesty, you believe that 'age-ing up’ a fictional character is inany way, shape or form 'predatory’, or harmful to anyone, youabsolutely, absolutelyneed to re-evaluate your position. You are part of many problems, andyou’re likely unaware of it.So– my dear anon, do you understand now why I need to be as specificand excruciatingly obvious as I can be? Why I need to state theabsolute common, trivial and generally understood? It’s becausecritical thought is a rare good (in some parts of tumblr), and that’sa problem.

[purrincess-chat]

A Psychology Major’s Analysis of Adrien and Marinette

Hi, friends! So I’ve mentioned a couple times before that I can explain a little some of Marinette’s extreme behavior psychologically, so I’m going to do that to the best of my ability, and I also want to look into the Adrien vs Chat Noir debate that I see floating around all the time. I am still an undergrad psych major, and this knowledge comes from several developmental psych classes as well as a personality class, so it’s not going to be perfect, but if you’re curious here is a look at the teenage brain:

As we’re all aware, Marinette is a teenage girl (14-15 roughly), and this is a very interesting time in brain development. From the time we are born, our brains are developing very rapidly throughout childhood when they are most susceptible to change. We absorb information quicker and our brains develop different parts in phases. I’m sure on a surface level, everyone is aware that there are different areas of the brain, and the area I want to talk about is the prefrontal cortex. It’s responsible for things like emotion and impulse control (among other things, but these two things are key), and in teenage years it’s still developing. In fact, it doesn’t fully develop until early adulthood (mid-20s or so). This is why teenagers are often moody and impulsive because that part of their brain is still underdeveloped. It’s why teenagers feel things so strongly and mellow out a little more when they become adults, and it’s why when we develop crushes at early ages, we feel those feelings so strongly even to obsessive degrees. 

Part of it is inexperience; we’re still learning what’s socially acceptable (which also deals a little with the PFC). We’re learning how to interact romantically, and this learning is what helps us develop our brain as we age. It’s why Marinette is so hyper-dramatic-obsessive over Adrien. Her feelings for him are strong because her brain is still learning how to regulate those strong emotions. It’s why she gets jealous. It’s why she steals his phone (impulse control). The PFC also deals with planning/decision making which goes hand-in-hand with impulse. When she’s in the heat of the moment and acts on impulse, she can’t think about how that impulse is going to effect her later. It’s why she immediately follows Lila and Adrien to the library and to the park, and why she calls Lila out. She isn’t thinking about the consequences of her actions, just about what she wants which is something that teenagers do a lot. 

TL;DR: Marinette is obsessive because the portion of her brain that controls emotion and impulse control is still developing. 

Adrien vs Chat analysis under the cut

I see the argument all the time about which side of Adrien is his “true self,” Chat Noir or Adrien, and I think we aren’t approaching this debate in the right way. I think it is helpful to note that the definition of personality we discussed in my Psych of Personality class is that personality is constant. That means that regardless of circumstance, who we are is still pretty set. We certainly change the degree (or intensity) of our personality in difference companies, but overall, certain characteristics follow us and our behavior. So here are a list of things that are consistent in Adrien’s behavior and what you could say is his “true personality.”

In Adrien’s case, I would say this is his gentlemanly/considerate side. No matter what situation we see Adrien/Chat in, he is always considerate of other people. He’s polite; he’s a gentleman. He’s respectful. He doesn’t push his boundaries which we see in Chat Noir when he respects Ladybug’s right to privacy, even if he teases her all the time about revealing their identities. That’s a trait that is canon both to his superhero self and his civilian self, though Chat Noir does it in a much more open, showy, and dramatic fashion. 

He’s goofy. We don’t see this as much when he’s Adrien, but we certainly see it a lot as Chat Noir. I’d like to bring to your attention the pun he cracks at the end of Darkblade. When things go back to normal and Marinette is coming down the stairs, she remarks that she got transformed at which point Adrien races past and goes “Me too, what a knightmare.” Of course, we see puns for days when he’s Chat Noir. He’s said in a webisode that “his puns are on point.” He’s proud of them. I mentioned in another post that Chat Noir is his superhero persona, and that he’s exaggerated because Adrien doesn’t get to be. That doesn’t make Chat his “true self,” it just lets him cut loose the tension that probably builds up in his normal life (cause seriously it’s depressing). It could be how he copes with his dull home life. It could also be a result of who he thinks superheroes are. We know from Thomas that Adrien is a weeb who watches anime, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he’s constructed his Chat Noir persona from shows that he’s watched. Heroes are often clever, dashing, and in most cases, punny. Sound familiar? 

He’s self-less and caring. We see this in Animan when he does his best to set Nino up with the girl he likes or better in Origins when he sacrifices something he wants to help someone else. We see it in the background of Lady Wifi when he’s consoling a victim of an akuma attack wrapped in a shock blanket. He’s always sacrificing himself in place of Ladybug because he cares about her and the people of Paris and knows that she’s the one who can purify the akuma. 

He’s suave. We see this in a more exaggerated sense when he’s Chat Noir, but he does it quite a bit as Adrien as well. ex: The way he leans against walls or lightly touches Marinette’s hands (Mr. Pigeon). He’s attractive, and he knows it. (I mean, it’s a fact that he’s constantly reinforced for.)

See where I’m going here? 

TL;DR: Compassionate, gentlemanly, goofy, self-less, and charming. These are just a few staples of his personality. The degree and fashion with which they are presented just depends on the situation he’s in like most people. He isn’t Chat Noir or Adrien; he’s both all the time, just in varying amounts depending on the situation, and both are his “true self.”

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Quick question: is 20F and 30M too big of an age gap? What sort of complications could we run into? What are some red flags to look out for when I date him? Does he have too much power over me due to his age, experience, etc.? Thanks so much

1) There is nothing wrong with this age-gap. You are an adult. Nobody is allowed to tell you what is and is not acceptable in terms of age-gap as long as both partners are legal, consenting adults.

2) Red flags are complicated, so I’ll dedicate a whole section to them here, running down each of the ones that anyone should look for in an age-gap relationship. 

Using power against you! This needs to come first. You already said later in your message that you are fully aware that there is a power imbalance in age-gap relationships, and it’s super important to be aware of that before you enter one! The biggest issue with any relationship like this is when the person with power, usually the older one, uses that power to get what they want. So that means the following characteristics will sound kinda like I’m repeating myself. 

But this one is special. Because not all people are assholes. But assholes will always exploit their power. So looking out for someone who is conscious of the power over you, and tries to use that to their advantage, is very important early on. It always depends on the power. Maybe they exploit your feelings for them, maybe they exploit their financial stability, maybe they exploit their sexual experience. It doesn’t matter WHAT they’re exploiting. As soon as they begin demanding things, and not offering alternatives or “not allowing” things that don’t fit into your plans, this is the most major red flag, and you need to get out of such a relationship immediately, because that is basically hanging off the cliff with you only landing in abuse. 

Financial stability. Particularly for young adults, this is the biggest thing people are exploited on early. The fact of the matter is that someone who is older generally has more money, and that money can be used in a lot of ways that can string someone around. They’ll spend it lavishly, only to hold it over their head and insist you do things for them. They’ll use their money as a way to make you feel like you’re in debt. “I bought you that really expensive purse, so you should probably give me a really nasty night of sex” - or - “Look, babe, I wasn’t really cheating with that girl. Here, let me buy you whatever you want and I’ll make it better.” 

Strong financial stability can result in complex scenarios. It may mean they have more access to transportation, which means that they get to decide how your life is lived if you rely on them. Or it could mean you they begin “expecting” gifts in return, and since their funds are basically limitless, then so must your “gifts” be. To eliminate this, don’t accept big ticket items from them as gifts too often, and remind them consistently from the beginning that you value trust and honesty, and that money can’t buy your happiness. Reject expensive gifts if they’re too lavish for you, and apologize. They can prove they care about you if they date you long-term. 

Intelligence vs naivety. This isn’t to say that all younger people are stupid, and all older people are smart. What this means is, often, older people generally have more mental capacity than younger people. They have lived a lot longer than younger people, meaning their continued experiences have taught them how to do things in a more intelligent and efficient way. And if you, with your lack of experience, have never encountered these things, you can be taken off-guard very easy. 

You see this most in pedophilic behaviour, where older people “groom” their victims. They act nice, and as non-threatening “friends,” before quickly making things sexual, and then using their perceived “niceness” as a tool to trick their victims into not revealing the truth. This sort of behaviour is still common in consenting adults though. “You know, you haven’t had nearly as much sex as I have. But it’s okay, I can teach you. But most girls don’t say no to this. You should do what I say.” 

You see how fast it can change by reading that sentence. It may not seem like a logical choice at first, but someone who is smarter than you can make it seem that way. I know I’m way more strategic now that I’m a little older. Where I was more brash in my teen years, now I can’t view the calculus of a situation, which allows me to pull the puppet strings. It’s that smarter, more calculating way that can easily be used for evil by someone who has no morals, and if you feel like someone is pulling your puppet strings, that’s a huge red flag. 

Emotional security. Again, everyone is different, and there are plenty of immature adults. But the fact of the matter is, the older you are, the less emotional you tend to be. This is because the prefrontal cortex (the logic centre of your brain) generally stops developing around 24-ish years old. Because that’s still forming as a teen, you tend to make stupid decisions. Your brain changes from LEAP BEFORE YOU LOOK, to LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP. Whereas in your youth you’d be like “LET’S SEND A NUDE TO THIS GUY ON THE INTERNET IT’LL BE FINE” will have you thinking, “Dude, I don’t know this guy, he’ll probably sell my nude if I give it to him right now.” 

Because of this, if you’re the younger party in an age-gap relationship, there are a lot of things someone who is more emotionally secure can do to mess with you. They can use their logic as a bludgeon. “You just don’t understand because of your age. I’m older, please try to listen to me,” even if the thing they’re saying isn’t a good thing. “It’s okay, you’re still learning. I can teach you!” even if the thing they’re teaching is or could lead to abuse. “You’re very smart, teach me what you know,” even though they know they are already are smarter, and are trying to lure you into a place of trust. 

All of this stuff is natural, and it becomes totally normal as you get older. Now that I’m older, I’ve learned a lot more about psychology and human communication than I knew as a teen. This allows me to communicate as I do on this blog! You’ll note that if you reread some of the things you say, I deliberately haven’t ever spoken about YOU until now; I’ve deliberately left things vague, because I know this information has value beyond you, and I want to treat both you and all those other people with respect. So I speak very calmly, rationally, and treat you (and everyone else) as equals. That’s all well and good, but bad people are not well and good. If someone without morals has these same skills, they could use them as a tool to get you to do as they please. Imagine if I hit on every chick who sent me a message. “You don’t have to worry about your shitty boyfriend, because guys like me exist. PS, let’s chat. You clearly know I’m a good guy after how much I helped you HINT HINT WINK WINK.” It’s scummy, but it’s a thing that happens ALL THE TIME when people realize they have power. 

The whole thing with these red flags that are listed is that they are just that. They are concerns, but only if they are used AGAINST YOU. People may have money, but may not use it in a negative way against you; people may have more experience, but they may not exploit you with that experience; people may be in control of themselves, but also may not do anything with that emotional strength. But the thing is, SOME PEOPLE WILL EXPLOIT YOU, and you need to be VERY careful and not end up like one of those people. Although this situation deals with younger people than the ages given, take a look at the first few minutes of this Youtuber sex scandal that happens. You can watch an abuser in action, working his game, trying to use his “power” to convince people to do what he wants, because he knows he can. This is what casual abuse looks like. 

3) Does he have too much power? Well again, we’ve now seen some red flags that could be exploited here. Whether he has too much power or not really depends on him as a person, and what he does with that power. What should you do if you decide to enter into this relationship then? 

Firstly, don’t make big commitments. Take things slow. Let him PROVE he’s legit. Look out for those red flags over several dates. Don’t feel obliged to have sex before you’re ready, or accept gifts you don’t want or need. Don’t rush to a relationship, don’t rush to get physical. Especially don’t consider like long-term relationships, marriage, or moving in with him. TAKE THINGS VERY SLOW. Good people take the time to prove they’re for real by making you an equal, not simply pretending you’re equal. 

Secondly, ask early what his expectations are. Does he just want sex? Does he want a relationship? Does he want something in between? Or something more? Or something less? Ask him, and see if it aligns with your needs. If they do or don’t it’s up to you, but it can help you plan a trajectory for this relationship, and if your trajectory doesn’t match up to what he’s trying to make happen in real life, let that inform your decision. 

Finally, BE PREPARED. If someone does use their power to manipulate you, it won’t feel “bad” at first. You’ll try to apologize for them, or you’ll try to excuse the behaviour. This is natural, because we don’t want to say that the bad people in our life are bad people; we want to defend people we emotionally care about, and assume the best of people we think are good. Understand that you will do this unconsciously, and instead, consciously be aware that not all people are good people, and if this person does things that upset you, BACK OFF AND GET AWAY. 

[topazshadowwolf]

Cocoon

This is a gift story for The Great @blaiddsumu! It is about one of Blaidd’s OCs named Serif, and I threw one of mine in as well.

Let me take a moment and tell you all about this awesome follower of mine. When I first started here, Blaidd was my first REAL follower; before then I had bots that, naturally, didn’t interact with me. And in this scary world of Tumblr, it was nice having someone I could depend on hitting the like, and reblog, button on everything I did. That simple act really built my confidence. Blaidd still follows me to this day, and still is always there. And while I love all my followers, I felt like giving this gift as a special thanks.

Thank you for helping me out, and encouraging me, Blaidd!

Cocoon

By Topaz Shadowwolf Gift for Blaiddsumu

             Serif sat alone in the park by a river, watching the water as it moved by. There was a lot on her mind, decisions to make that could change the course of her life. At least this place was giving her a peaceful and quiet environment to think.

           “Mind if I sit here?” A woman asked, sitting down beside her before she could respond.

           “Yes, I do,” Serif said sharply, but clearly the words were lost on the woman. With a sigh Serif tried again, “I said, I do mind.”

           “Hmmm, yea… I heard. Sorry about that,” the woman said, but doesn’t get up. Instead she reached into her pocket and pulled out an apple and small knife. “Want a slice?”

           “No,” Serif glared at this intruder of her personal space. Was it too much to ask for time to be by herself. She tries to be reasonable and nonjudgmental, but this woman was pushing her limits right now. There were plenty of places for this woman to sit, even a few feet away would have been nice. As calmly as she could, Serif asked, “There is a bench over there you can sit at.”

           “True,” The woman said, slicing the apple, “But I’m a storyteller of sorts, a bard if you will.”

           “And?” Serif sighed and shook her head, “I don’t want to listen to a story.”

           “Oh, I know, but I don’t just tell stories to those who want to hear them. I also tell stories to those who need them,” the woman offered a friendly smile while adjusting her glasses, using the back of her wrist to not to get apple juice on the frames.

           “I don’t need a story,” Serif started to stand, letting out an exasperated sigh.

           “Stay where you are, I promise it will be worth your time,” the woman said, she then held out the sliced apple, “can you hold this for me?”

Giving in, Serif settled back and took the slices sitting in a cloth handkerchief, “Okay, so what’s this story?”

“That’s the thing. I’m not a mind reader, so first you need to tell me what you were thinking about, before I interrupted you?”

“What?” Serif almost laughed.

“I can tell you need a story, but not which one,” she replied.

“Alright, fine, I’ll play along,” Serif, thought for a moment, trying to figure out how best to explain how she was feeling. The woman reached into her pocket and pulled out yet another apple. She started cutting that one into slices as she waited. Unable to figure out how to say what she was thinking about, Serif turned to her, “I just… don’t know. I’m not sure who I am, or should be.”

“Should you?” The woman asked.

“At this point in my life I should have some idea,” Serif frowned and looked down at the slices in her hands.

The woman put her knife away, “Did you know that the human brain doesn’t even finish maturing until around age of 25? Not only that, but the part that isn’t done growing till then is the prefrontal cortex. The part that thinks about the consequences for your actions. So, I think it’s safe to say, that until your brain is fully grown it is hard to know who you are.”

“Is that your story?” Serif looked back at the woman.

With a laugh, the woman pointed to the apple in Serif’s hands, “naw. Anyway, eat what you want, got my own.” Her mood then changed, going from a light-hearted appearance to serious, “I’ll be honest, it is not so much a story you need, but an analogy or pep talk of sorts. Lucky for you, I’m good at those, too.”

Serif caught herself snickering. “I feel real lucky,” she says as she takes a bite out of an apple slice.

“Sarcasm noted,” the woman smirked, “that aside, change is a constant in life. You will continue to learn, grow, and develop who you are throughout your existence. If you don’t, then you have somehow become stagnant, and need to find out how to start moving forward again. Enjoy your successes but don’t become absorbed by them. Accept your failures, but down wallow in them. Instead, use these experiences to form the patchwork quilt, that is your life, and wrap that around yourself to form your cocoon. Once you’re ready you will emerge as who you are. Then you will add more patches to your cocoon; and again, go through metamorphosis to a newer you. One thing you should do though, and this is important so don’t forget it, find at least one thing. One value, one key point of your life that you know is important to you. You can be open minded on it, but you will not sway from it. An example is loyalty to friends, family, or faith.

“This one thing, while it may develop, will not be flexible. You may switch it out if it loses its value to you. But everyone should have at least one thing that they stand for, no matter what. The one thing that you hold to, even as the world around you goes insane. And when all stare at you, and wonder why you still hold to that value, you stand tall and say, ‘I will not be moved.’”

The woman sat quietly for a moment before glancing at Serif, “did that help at all?”

“Somewhat, yes, but what about what I should do with my life now?”

The woman shrugged, “whatever you think is right.”

Serif frowned slightly, “but I don’t know which is right.”

The woman hummed then grinned, “sounds like quite the conundrum.”

“That doesn’t help,” Serif sighed.

“Hey, I never promised to help, just tell a story, err, well, analogy-pep talk thing in your case. But, okay, know that the path you take now can always be changed, if you know the way. Some people believe once you got so far there is no turning back, but that is a lie. The only time you cannot change where you're going, is when you are dead. So, while my advice can’t tell you to make this, or that, choice, it should help you know you aren’t trapped in whichever one you pick. Anyway, once you pick your value, or values, to hold to, you may know which road to take.”

Serif stared at the apple slices left in her hand, thinking. It made sense, and while it wasn’t an answer it was helpful. Looking back at the woman, she smiled, “Thanks, I guess I did need that.”

“Welcome,” The woman then stood, “Take care of yourself, alright? And don’t stress about who you will become. You’ll be her soon enough.”

Looking back out over the water, Serif thought on that and nodded. She could hear footsteps as the woman started to leave. “By the way, what’s your…,” turning to where the woman had been, Serif saw no one there. Looking around there wasn’t a trace that anyone had been there at all. Jumping to her feet she continued to look, confused. Feeling something in her hand, she looked down at the few apple slices and handkerchief that they sat on; the only proof of the storyteller.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

We Need to Talk About Kevin, I Mean Otayuri

Alright, so let’s talk about Otayuri, age of consent, pedophilia, and abusive relationships for a minute. (This is gonna get long, but please bear with me)

So, like most issues that exist, you’ve got people on at least two pretty distinct sides (and a bunch that fall somewhere in the middle).

There are those who feel like the shipping of these two is absolutely, completely wrong for a variety of reasons and those who feel like the shipping of these two is absolutely, completely a-okay for a variety of reasons.

So, let’s talk about some of those and I’ll share with you my perspective on the situation, shall we?

Obviously one of the biggest issues that comes up is the age of consent. When talking about these characters in particular it becomes a little tricky because they both come from different countries and the show itself is Japanese.

According to a little research, the age of consent for both Russia and Kazakhstan is 16. For Japan it’s 13 (which…yikes on bikes).

Now, this becomes important because there’s a lot of speculation about how to view the ages of both characters.

In terms of where the show itself has left off, where season one ended, Yuri was still 15. His birthday is at the beginning of March and so it’s assumed that unless the show decides to go back in time, if/when we get a season 2 he’ll be 16 (although if the show picks up literally where it left off he’s probably still 15 and I’d guess maybe two months out from 16? It’s hard to tell. Yuuri’s hair has gotten longer in the last shot, so we know at least some time has passed since December, but it’s unclear how much. Chances are, though, being that the show itself took place in essentially real time, by the time a second season is out we’ll have passed that point and hell, Yuri may even be 17 by the time we get another season, who knows.) 

Otabek’s age is a little more unclear. Several times in the show his age is listed as 18 until towards the end of the season where Celestino says he’s 19. Otabek’s birthday is at the end of October and although a great deal of time passes from the beginning of the season to the end (Yuuri mentions something along the lines of “I can’t believe it’s already been 8 months…”) during Viktor’s narration which takes place in December he says Otabek is 18, so we didn’t pick up another birthday for him, therefore I’m more inclined to think he’s actually 18 and that Celestino was just mistaken or perhaps it was an accident on behalf of one of the writers.

But so essentially we’re dealing with a 15/16 year old and an 18/possibly 19 year old.

Now, first off something I’ve noticed from the opposed side is that they tend to cite American laws of consent, but there is an issue there and that is that American laws of consent are not the same across the board, but rather determined by state.

In the US, consent is set anywhere from 16 to 18 years of age with the most common being 16 years of age. Obviously then this makes it hard trying to apply American law to this situation because neither character lives in America and therefore we can’t say, “Oh, well Otabek is from New York, so the age of consent for him would be 17!”

That being the case, I think it’s more appropriate to use their own countries as what we hold them to in legal terms, because different countries have different ideas and laws about other behaviors as well that are considered “for adults only” such as drinking, driving, voting, buying cigarettes, renting a car, etc., etc.

So, as it would stand right now, if we’re to take the view of Yuri still being 15 because that’s where the show left him, then yes, a relationship between he and Otabek would not be okay in either country as he is under the age of consent.

By the time the show comes back, though (and lord I hope it does) Yuri will likely be 16 and therefore legally able to consent.

Now listen…I don’t like the idea of a 16 year old having sex as much as the next guy. I think that’s too young, I think that age is too immature to really handle something like that, but I teach sex ed to middle and high schoolers and I know better. They’re doing it.

Fortunately, last I checked (and this is American statistics but still) only like 47% of high schoolers are sexually active, which is less than half. And if I’m not mistaken, I think it’s actually lower than that now, so that’s somewhat good news!

Also, teen pregnancy rates have been on the decline over the past few decades, although they’re still not great they are going down. Unfortunately, however, teen STD rates are going up.

Of the 20 million new STD cases reported each year, about half are from young people ages 15-24. 

So, whether we like it or not, these little fuckers are out here boning down on each other and they’re not being particularly careful about it either, which is discouraging, but part of why I do what I do.

Unfortunately, however, in the state in which I work there are very strict laws about sex education, specifically that we’re to promote abstinence emphatically and exclusively and that we cannot promote the use of contraceptives and birth control and may only give medically accurate information about such if a student asks a question about them in good faith (which means they don’t ask just to get a rise out of me or the class).

These laws are born, I think, out of this mindset that a lot of adults have that sex isn’t for teens and therefore they should only be given the bare minimum amount of information, lest you inadvertently encourage them to become sexually active. (This mindset, btw, is also what I believe drives adults to deny kids and teens the validity of their gender identity and sexual orientations, although the situations are not quite the same the underlying idea of a teenager being too young/too immature to be able to handle/know about certain things is of the same thread.) 

And again, like…in some part I agree. I teach these kids, I see how a lot of them still can’t handle having a mature conversation about puberty and am horrified every time one of says they think the “pull out method” is an effective way to prevent pregnancy (joke’s on you, kid, it’s actually the way most teens end up getting pregnant!)

If I had it my way, I’d give these kids some coloring books and juice boxes and sit their asses in front of cartoons all day long because the older you get, the more people younger than you look like infants. Hell, even by my senior year of high school I was looking at freshman thinking, “You’re just babies, what are you doing here??? Who let you out of daycare?!?!?”

I also had a 15 year old insist to me that her personality is going to stay the same for the rest of her life and that she’s pretty much already matured as much as she’s ever going to and I just…I hated to be “that adult” but I had to gently point out to her that while for the most part, yes, her personality may stay more or less the same that her brain hasn’t even finished growing.

You don’t reach full brain development until around your mid-twenties and one of the last things to fully develop is your prefrontal cortex area which is responsible for things like personality, decision-making, and impulse control. Y’know, things we tend to think of younger people struggling with.

That being said, I’m not one of these people that thinks teenagers are just sacks of jumbled hormones who can’t be trusted with any level of responsibility and who have no levels of maturity whatsoever. That’s certainly not true.

A lot of kids at that age slowly begin to take on responsibilities like learning how to drive, how to manage their own money, and maybe even have a part-time job, as well as already looking into higher education or which field of work they’d like to enter once they graduate.

Teenagers do possess a certain capacity for these things and so I’m not writing them off entirely, I’m just saying I can sympathize with those who look at them and think, “God, you’re so young, though, you shouldn’t be trusted with something so important…” because it’s hard not to look back at your own youth and think, “Wow, I really thought I had it all figured out then, but I didn’t know shit!”

(Then again, I still do assert that I was pretty mature for my age. While of course I wasn’t completely there, I was more mature than what you’d expect from a typical teenager, although perhaps I’m a little biased in saying so, who knows.)

So, okay, we’ve established that we understand why some people can’t fathom the thought of teens who are sexually active, I gotcha, I’m right there with ya. But again, I think we need to be realistic and come to terms with the fact that, like it or not, they are.

If at age 16 Yuri decides to become sexually active, I may not like it, but he will legally be able to consent and his behavior wouldn’t be some drastic deviation from the norm. If he were to live in America, he’d still be in that less than half percentage of those who are, but it’s still pretty close to half and therefore not really that unheard of.

From a legal standpoint, then, at age 16 there’s nothing technically wrong. He’s well within his rights at that point. At 15, no, but 16, yes.

Now, I see a lot of people from the in favor side who are very transparent about the fact that they wouldn’t ship Yuri and Otabek together until Yuri’s 16 anyway, some saying not even until he’s 18 or until they’re both in their twenties because they want these characters to have time to get to know one another as friends first and then perhaps something romantic will develop as time goes on. This is also in conjecture with the idea that just because two people are dating doesn’t automatically mean they’re having sex, and in fact, I’ve seen a lot of headcanons for both Yuri and Otabek that view them as being asexual, so there’s that as well.

One of the ways of thinking about their situation, therefore, is to put it in a realistic context and realize that age-wise, this is the equivalent of a sophomore and a senior in high school dating.

Another way of looking at it is that Otabek is eighteen. Teen. He’s still a teenager. He will remain a teenager until he’s twenty. Even though, at least in the US, he’d be allowed to vote and buy cigarettes, he’s still technically a teen, so we’re talking about two teenagers dating. And again, a 16 and 18 year old dating isn’t really that uncommon.

Now, here’s where I take issue with something. I see a lot of people on the opposed side calling Otabek a “grown ass man”. I…don’t know how many 18 year olds you know, but I would hardly classify them as “grown ass” individuals.

Here again, an 18 year old’s brain hasn’t even finished growing yet and although an 18 year old is likely to be a little more mature than a 16 year old, we’re not talking about drastic leaps and bounds in maturity the same way we would between someone who’s 12 and someone who’s 16.  

I think people use this terminology to support the idea that “Otayuri is pedophilia” in which by painting Otabek as a “grown ass man” and Yuri as “a literal child” it sounds a lot worse than what it really is which, again, if we don’t put these two together until Yuri’s 16 is a ~two year age gap. Hardly that scandalous and also not what pedophilia is, but I do on the other hand understand why it makes some people uncomfortable and that’s okay! (It’s not okay that you’re uncomfortable, but your feelings are valid, is what I’m saying)

I know a lot of people like to get real technical at this point in the argument and talk about pedophilia per definition, so let’s talk about that.

Merriam-Webster dictionary describes pedophilia as: sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual object; specifically: a psychological disorder in which an adult has sexual fantasies about or engages in sexual acts with a prepubescent child.

Therefore, a lot of people argue that using the term pedophilia isn’t exactly accurate because Yuri’s not really prepubescent. Now, from where I sit, I know the onset of puberty can begin anywhere from 9 to 16 years old, it depends on the person and typically “boys” are later than “girls”.

Yuri describes during the show how he knows he has a short window before his body begins to change, which prompts some to think that perhaps he hasn’t begun puberty yet. This one’s difficult, because it’s not likely we’re going to get a solid answer on, “Hey, when will/did Yuri start puberty?”

He’s on the shorter side right now (5’4) and it’s hard to tell with an animated character how defined his features really are, although he does appear to have some muscle tonnage in spite of his skinny physique so that tells me he’s at least experiencing some puberty, also the fact that his voice is on the deeper side and he doesn’t appear to have any vocal cracking going on. (Although how far you can really throw that one considering the flashback of him at like…what, 10 or 12 has him with the same voice so…Idk)

Being that it’s somewhat murky then whether or not he’s started puberty, I can see where semantically you could use the definition of pedophilia to either condemn of excuse your stance.

In terms of age-wise, though, typically anyone under the age of 13 would be considered a child and an attraction to a teenager would be more along the lines of either hebephilia or ephebophilia.

However, I don’t really think we need to get into semantics to understand what a person is trying to say when they say, “I don’t support this ship because I think it’s pedophilia”. What they mean is that they’re uncomfortable with someone who’s a legal adult being with someone who isn’t quite there yet. And again, that’s understandable if that makes you uncomfortable and I’m not going to tell you to shut up or feel a different way.

I do, however, take issue with the fact that I feel like some of the discourse surrounding issues of pedophilia takes on a stance that essentially borders on the idea of: if two 17 year olds date they have to break up as soon as one of them turns 18 because that’s just wrong!!!!! That’s…kind of extreme, in my opinion and misses the point.

But we’ll talk more about pedophilia in just a second, I want to move on to my next point.

So, from the opposed side we have the argument of, “Even if Yuri is of legal age of consent by the time he starts dating Otabek, it would be an abusive relationship because of the power imbalance brought on by their age gap and therefore I cannot support it.”

So this one is…pretty messy, honestly.

I realize that a lot of this comes from people who, themselves, have been in abusive relationships in which an age gap similar to or greater than this one was present and therefore it’s hard for them to sign off on this relationship because it echoes too much of their own experience.

And so first off out the gate I want to say I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry if you’re one of those people, you didn’t deserve the abuse your endured and I hate it for you that you had this god awful experience.

I would, however, encourage you to both realize that your experiences are not universal and to also be critical of how the age gap played a factor.

So, let’s talk about it.

First and foremost, like I said, this is not a universal experience. Although there are a lot of people who are in age gap relationships who end up being abused, there are just as many people who have been in age gap relationships that were healthy.

This is where I urge you to be critical of the age gap itself and realize that the age gap on its own doesn’t make for an abusive relationship.

This is where the defense side chimes in with the notion that if it were true that all age gaps are inherently abusive then wouldn’t Viktor and Yuuri’s relationship be abusive as they have a ~4 year age gap?

The obvious answer is no, it’s not unhealthy for them.

So part of the problem is specifically with the fact that Otabek is a legal adult whereas Yuri is not. Now there again, I see where you’re coming from and I have absolutely no problem if you can’t get behind it on those grounds alone.

However, again, I don’t think there’s really that drastic of a leap between 16 and 18 that would constitute this massive power imbalance that people seem to think would exist between the two.

The issue with older abusers is this: they’re still abusers no matter what age they date. If they dated someone their own age, guess what? They’d still be abusers. Their motivation in seeking someone younger than themselves may very well be because they think it would be easier to manipulate or influence them and sometimes that is the case, but here again, it’s not a feature that’s exclusive to all age gaps and not even ones wherein one person is a legal adult and the other is say 16 or 17.

We’ve all seen the warnings, especially to younger girls, about watching out for older guys who try to pick them up and I think that’s absolutely good advice and you should be wary as hell about that.

However, I’m not going to look at a 16 year old girl and an 18 year old guy and be like, “Mmm, abusive. He’s got power over her, he’s taking advantage.” That may be the case, but it may also not and I wouldn’t know just from looking at their age or the gap between them.

Now 15 and 18, yeah that gets pretty sketchy, I’m not comfortable with that. But 16 and 18? Call me naïve, but that seems somewhat negligible and really needs to be assessed on a case-by-case basis because while that situation may prove to be a perfect storm for an abusive relationship, it doesn’t necessitate one on that basis alone.

As a side note, while we’re on the subject of power imbalances I am curious as to how those opposed feel about the power imbalance between Yuuri and Viktor with Viktor acting as Yuuri’s coach. I’m not saying there necessarily is one or that it’s damaging, especially not in the same way teacher/student, doctor/patient, or employer/employee is, but one could argue that their ship should immediately go in the trash because Viktor does have, albeit minimal, power over Yuuri. As their relationship plays out, I think they’ve actually struck a healthy balance between the two of them, but since we’re looking at his from a purely black and white standpoint in which X is always wrong, no matter the circumstances, then I think we need to apply that same logic to the ships we do love as well for the sake of fairness.

But back to the point, in terms of the age gap between them playing a factor into why these two shouldn’t be together, on the one hand I perfectly understand why it makes some people uncomfortable and why they can’t support it and you have my full support in avoiding what makes you uncomfortable. However, on the other hand, I don’t think it’s fair for someone to use their personal experience to try to generalize and make rules for what should and shouldn’t be allowed.

My parents have a 17 year age gap between them. They met when my mom was in her twenties, so nothing is illegal about their relationship, but my dad does have some years on her. However, in terms of their relationship they see and treat each other as equals (although if I’m honest I kinda think Mom more so “wears the pants”, so to speak but shhh).

I’m also witnessing a relative of mine who’s in her early twenties who’s dating a man who is…older than her own mother, so that’s…a thing. And although I don’t know all the ins and outs of their relationship, I am seeing a lot of stuff from her side in which she’s being abusive towards him. She constantly guilts him over certain behaviors, posting dozens of statuses each day that allude to her hurt feelings any time he doesn’t immediately text her back or drop everything to spend time with her. She also employs a lot of the rhetoric of “no one will ever love you as much as I do, so you can go out there and try to find something better, but you never will!” which is like…textbook abuser language.

But she’s younger! She shouldn’t be able to do that, right? Well, she is. She most certainly is and so here again I say, an age gap just on its face doesn’t automatically constitute for an abusive relationship in which the older person takes advantage of and abuses the younger person. While that does sometimes happen and while that may be the motivation of the abuser to find someone younger in order to more easily take advantage, it’s not fair to generalize that behavior to any and all age gap relationships, including those between legal adults and minors (provided that minor is at least at the age of consent because again, I too think it’s pretty ehhhhhhh when you get younger than that, also not to mention, y’know, ILLEGAL, so there’s that).

So, alright we’ve done a loooooot of talking about the hot button issues that come up in this heated debate and hopefully I was able to add a little more clarity to the situation? Perhaps not, but if nothing else this is my take on it and to be clear I’ll reiterate: As Yuri stands now, where canon left him, he is 15 years old and not legally able to consent to a relationship with Otabek who is 18 (possibly 19). Once the show picks back up, however, and Yuri is 16 then he will legally be able to consent to a relationship with Otabek. Whether or not that relationship will be sexual in nature is likely not going to be addressed in canon and left up to fan interpretation in which I know already a lot of people have already stated that even still they wouldn’t have these two start bumping uglies right out of the gate and that for some, they may never due to personal interpretations of their respective sexualities.

But so…here comes the next part and this is where we’re going to pick back up on pedophilia.

Regardless of whether or not these two end up actually getting together or not, regardless of whether or not you wait for Yuri to be 16…he’s still 16.

Now, if you yourself, as a fan, are also 16 then…I guess I can’t really stop you from thirsting over this character, but here is something I can toss your way: don’t create nsfw artwork or fan fiction involving this underage character.

Especially, ESPECIALLY, if you are an actual “grown ass adult”.

Just…stop it. Get some help. That shouldn’t have to be said.

The amount of people thirsting over Yuri’s “Welcome to the Madness” performance who are adults is, frankly, super disturbing. I put some of that blame on the studio itself for having his performance be as provocative as it was, but the audience itself should be able to police themselves into behaving and not going, “Oh wow, so sexy, so hot, wow wow wow!!!”

Being that this skate took place after the GPF, guess what? He’s 15. HE’S 15. YOU’RE SALIVATING OVER A 15 YEAR OLD, CONGRATS! 

I don’t care how much “older” he looks with makeup and his outfit. I don’t care if he had taken all his damn clothes off right then and there, you need to stop with that shit, stop sexualizing this underage character!!!

I get it, he’s not “real”, he’s an animated character, but works featuring him, as a minor, engaging in sexual acts or the sexualization of him (fictional or not) still contributes to a harmful culture that preys on children and adolescents.

Which, to my understanding, is a pretty big problem in Japan and I mean…again, their age of consent is 13. That…really doesn’t sit right with me. I know different cultures have different attitudes about things, but just knowing what I do of psychology, I don’t think a 13 year old can really understand the repercussions or have the maturity level to engage in sexual behaviors, especially not with someone older.

It’s also been found that adults who prey on children will actually use things like cartoons and animations which depict the exploitation of children in sexual situations to convince children that what they’re doing is okay and perfectly acceptable. That’s…really fucked up.

I understand that a lot of people in fandom saying these things or posting these works don’t think they’re doing anything wrong or don’t realize how harmful their actions are, but I’m here to tell ya…newsflash, asshole, depicting minors in sexual situations has been wrong this entire goddamn time!!! Please stop doing that. Please, for the love of god. S T O P.

As far as “aging up” the characters I mean…that’s going to be a divisive issue in which again, I get both sides.

Being that he’s not a real character you can sort of shape him in different ways and part of that involves depicting him as an actual adult. As long as that’s actually conveyed in your work and is perfectly clear then I guess technically there’s not anything legally off about that, although it might not sit right with everyone who feels like that’s still sketchy behavior.

Personally, I’m more comfortable with the aging up thing in fan fiction because fan fiction in general tends to take a lot of liberties away from canon to begin with and so it’s not that hard to envision a Yuri who in a story would be in his twenties.

Then again, I may also be biased because these are my personal thoughts on the ship: As of right now, I don’t see them as anything but friends, perhaps even best friends. I’m happy for both of them that they have someone they feel like they can relate to and being that at least Yuri’s been something of a loner, I’m glad he has someone close to his age that he gets along with so well.

I feel like (and again, this is just me) that as they get older it’s perfectly possible that their relationship may develop into something more and I wouldn’t be opposed to that. I think that once they both have a chance to grow and mature, and again, get better acquainted with one another first as friends, that I could see them having a cute, happy, healthy relationship of which I’d be in support of.

As of right now, though, I don’t ship them romantically. It’s just sort of a parent looking at their kid and their good friend and thinking, “Hmmm, those two might get married some day years and years down the road…” and sort of smiling knowingly to yourself.

Now of course, it’s 100% possible that they don’t. That they remain friends (or perhaps even grow apart, who knows!) but never anything more than that or maybe even that when they’re a little older they try dating, but it doesn’t work out, they make better friends, and so they split. Mother doesn’t always know best and although I personally think of them as a future otp, there’s really no saying for sure until we get something in canon.

But so…these are all my thoughts. Feel free to disagree with me, I understand this is incredibly sensitive subject matter and people have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it, some of which are deeply personal and therefore make this an even more charged discussion.

I apologize if anything I’ve said has contributed to that harm, even if it was indirectly. I’ve tried, to the best of my ability, to look at this from both sides and to take each argument into careful consideration, although I’m just one person and like all people, I can be biased and misinformed, so my word is definitely not law and like I said multiple times, if you simply just can’t get behind the ship because it makes you even the slightest bit uncomfortable, for whatever reason, I encourage you to do what’s best for you and what’s best for your health.

For those in favor of, please don’t insist that anyone opposed “just get over it” or “shut up and let people ship what they want, gosh!!!” It’s really not quite as simple as that and you may be talking to someone who has a personal experience similar to the one this relationship would present that was traumatic for them and it therefore is hard for them to see you being dismissive of concerns that they try to bring to your attention.

That being said, I do realize as well that there are a lot of people who haven’t really sat down and given the situation any thought who are basically just looking for an excuse to yell at someone and so all they want to do is yell, “It’s pedophilia, it’s wrong, you should kill yourself!!!!” even at people who have said, “I’m actually a survivor of CSA and I don’t think this ship is that”.

I think there’s sort of a knee-jerk reaction re: pedophilia discourse to really go into high gear and start chucking things in the trash if it even vaguely looks like that’s what’s going on, but we’re not really doing that discourse any service if we have this sort of reaction instead of stepping back and looking at it from a truly critical and realistic point of view. 

The protection of children and minors is of the utmost importance and should come first before all things, but it needs to be from a rational standpoint otherwise we’re not really benefiting anyone but ourselves as we try to look the most morally upstanding of them all by using sweeping generalizations and condemning situations without really taking them into proper context and consideration. 

In addition to that line of thought, for those who defend the ship, bear in mind that your enjoyment of something doesn’t get to supersede the safety of others. 

As I’ve outlined, 15 year old Yuri and 18 year old Otabek would not be okay.

16 year old Yuri and 18 year old Otabek, however, is legal and it doesn’t really do any good to throw American laws at the situation just because that’s where you’re from because again, these two aren’t from America and the age of consent varies by state, although the most common age is still 16 so really no matter how you slice it that’s what we’re left with.

And, of course, art and fan fiction depicting an underage Yuri in sexual situations is not okay, especially if you’re an adult.

So. This has been a lot of text, a lot of words, a lot of ideas, and a lot to take in, but it’s all important.

I don’t see this as an argument that’s going to go away any time soon, so I wanted to offer up my two cents which no one asked for, but I felt nevertheless compelled to share.

I think people on both sides need to take the time to listen, to try to understand, and to have some compassion. If you’re yelling at a 16 year old kid on the internet to go kill themselves because you think they’re doing something harmful, that’s not really any better than what you’re trying to defend and you need to take a step back. Because although there are plenty (re: too many) problematic adults in this fandom, a lot of fans are actually themselves minors. I promise and encourage you to make your point without having to jump to death threats or telling people to die. There is validity (to a certain degree) on both sides and I hope this ridiculously long post has provided at least a little bit of clarity on the situation.

I think it’s important that we don’t jump to conclusions or take certain ideas to their most extreme i.e. “all age gap relationships are inherently abusive!” and “a 16 year old is a helpless infant incapable of making decisions for themselves and has no business being sexually active!”

While you may be understandably uncomfortable with age gaps and sexually active teens, these are things that happen that aren’t always bad, it’s the context and the nature of the relationship that’s important and while like I said, I’m not wild about the idea of a 16 year old being sexually active (there are also a lot of grown ass adults I’m not wild about being sexually active either as they can be highly immature and irresponsible) I’m also realistic and can understand that there’s a fair chance they will be and that I don’t do that age group any favors by blanketly infantilizing them and trying to deny them that, especially if legally they’re within their rights. I do, however, as an adult have a responsibility both morally and legally to not contribute to the sexualization of said 16 year old.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and please be good to yourself and to each other.