#my personal relationships are healthier now but i feel so bored and lonely | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mediocre-daydreams · 2 years ago

Note

If you’re comfortable with it, could you do prompt “i knew this would happen” with Peter where the reader is in recovery for anorexia and Peter makes a comment about her looking healthier or something, trying to be supportive but it actually sets her back?

hi nonnie! i hope you're doing well :) i've kept the story a bit vaguer so it could be encompassing of multiple types of EDs and i tried to write out things that could be potentially triggering, so i hope you'll find more comfort than hurt with this fic <3

burnt cookies

peter parker x ed! reader

summary: peter makes a well-intentioned comment about your recovery that ends up making you feel worse. (hurt/comfort fic)

w/c: 2.1k

notes: big tw for ed (eating disorder) content, descriptions of unhealthy relationships with food but no explicit diagnosis mentioned, no specific "methods" mentioned other than throwing something out, no descriptions of bodies

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

it’s been a while since you’d seen peter and may. you’d made the difficult decision to take a month-long health leave from midtown so you could focus on your recovery, and though it was painful and lonely and frustrating, getting to kiss peter for the first time in weeks made everything feel better.

“i missed you,” peter mumbled into your hair, squeezing you closer. he pressed a couple more kisses to your forehead in a steady pattern, making you laugh breathlessly. you’d been with peter for over a year now, but he still managed to give you butterflies.

“i missed you too. and i missed may’s burnt cookies,” you grinned, peeking behind peter’s body, still holding on to you as if you’d disappear, and gave may an awkward wave from beneath peter’s arm that’d trapped your own.

“aw, me and my burnt cookies missed you too,” may smiled, pulling peter off of you so she could envelop you into a hug of her own. the wonderful thing about aunt may was how normally she still treated you, even after you’d told her about your situation. it was nice to feel like you were still a person, not just a medical diagnosis or an anomalistic body to be poked and prodded.

“anyways, what am i doing? come inside, peter’s so boring. i need your presence to brighten up the apartment.”

“hey!” peter gasped jokingly. “i’d say the friendly neighborhood spiderman is pretty interesting.”

you tapped your chin as you wiped your shoes on the doormat and slid them off. “who, the red and blue cosplayer? never heard of him.”

may laughed and shouted a message of agreement behind her shoulder as she made her way into the kitchen to take out her cookies from the oven.

you liked those cookies. not because they tasted good, but because they’d come to mean something to you. maybe you were being sappy, but every time may would bake for you knowing that the end result would probably not be very appealing, it allowed you to associate happiness with food. the cookies were lighthearted, imperfect, and full of love. you always made sure to take a few bites, and her cookies never tasted like numbers or anxiety or regret. they tasted like may’s love for you.

peter took your hand, giving you one of those smiles that made his eyes crinkle. “it’s quiet without you here. well, ned is pretty loud, but it’s not the same. nothing really compares to you.”

peter looked at you fondly. “i’m so proud of you, though. for finding the strength to take care of yourself.” he cupped your cheeks with his hands, watching as you beamed up at him. “you’re so strong. my strong girl. my brave girl.”

“my stupid, horrendous, semi-okay boy,” you sniffed haughtily. “i guess i missed you too, or whatever.”

you remembered the last time you were here. it was a few days before you left school, and you’d felt awful all afternoon. you chalked it up to dehydration, though you were fully aware that it wasn’t. mj had been asking you months ago if you were alright, and you’d reassured her that she had nothing to worry about. when peter and ned caught on shortly afterward, you started upping the lies. the two of them were nowhere near as perceptive as mj (well, nobody can match mj), so the lies only grew larger and grander.

may had brought home a small cake that was on clearance sale, excitedly cutting thick slices for the three of you. it made you nauseous, but you thanked her politely. you had hoped you could sneak away and throw it out, but peter suggested that the three of you eat while watching a movie, so you couldn’t. it sat in front of you tauntingly, and soon your mind couldn’t focus on anything but the cake.

counting was ridiculous, you know, but it made you feel safe. safety from what, you weren’t quite sure. but it had become a routine that you became addicted to, and trying to stop yourself felt like you were going through withdrawal.

“you look good, though. you look healthy.” peter commented, taking your shoulders and holding you at arm’s length so he could examine your body.

you smiled painfully. “yeah, well. i tried,” you grimaced, not wanting to be reminded of your physical appearance. “i feel… better, i guess. i’m just trying to go day-by-day and not overthink it.” you hoped peter would get the message.

“that makes sense. and for what it’s worth, i think all that trying has paid off. you look like yourself again,” he smiled. “you look like when i first met you.”

oh, right. you’d met him your freshman year, when you were nervous and insecure and hadn’t quite fallen into this unhealthy pattern but were already harboring those nasty thoughts. you wondered if you’d been like this for the entirety of your relationship. did peter even know you, or did he just know the fucked up, sick version of you? on that note, did you even know you? or had it been so long living like this that you couldn’t remember a relationship with food outside of what you currently knew?

“thanks,” you lied through your teeth. “that means a lot.”

peter sighed contentedly, swinging a reassuring arm over your shoulder and ushering you into a couch. “sit with me?”

you smiled, a genuine one this time, and crawled into his lap like the two of you had always done. you fit together perfectly. well, you’d fit together before, but you’d changed now, hadn’t you? did you still fit the same?

“i like having you here,” peter whispered, brushing the hair from your face tenderly. “i had nothing to do. well, literally and figuratively.” the two of you laughed. “but i am- i really am proud of you. i knew you could do it, y’know? never doubted you for a second. ‘cause you’re the strongest girl i know.”

“i have to go to the bathroom,” you blurted. “i have… diarrhea and, uh, cramps. also i’m nauseous, so… bye!” you scrambled off peter’s lap, who looked more concerned for your wellbeing than put off by your blunt confessions.

“wait, are you-”

the bathroom door slammed shut before peter could finish. may turned from where she stood in the kitchen, an oven mitt on one hand as she tried to fan her smoking tray of “cookies.”

“what’s up?” she frowned, coming behind peter to place two comforting hands on his shoulders. she kneaded the muscles, noticing how tense peter was.

“i dunno, she just ran off. i think she has food poisoning. which is… ironic. also unfortunate.” may and peter looked at each other knowingly.

“she doesn’t really have food poisoning, does she?”

“…no. but i don’t know why she ran off like that! i mean, she was totally fine when she got here and it’s been like ten minutes and i feel like she would’ve told me if something bad happened and she needed to go home or something; did i do something wrong? like, should i-”

“woah, pete. calm down, okay? you have to remember, recovery isn’t something that can be totally checked off in one month. she’s still recovering; probably gonna be for a long time. and she just got back after a month of being surrounded by food and doctors and measurements; i think she’d appreciate just having someone giving her a sense of normalcy.”

may sighed. “i knew a lot of girls my age who struggled with stuff like this. a few guys too. it’s all very different for everyone because it’s so personal, but i can tell how happy you make her. i think she’d rather be here with her boyfriend than be here with a hallmark sympathy card, y’know?”

peter’s face scrunched in thought, but he nodded. “thanks, may. i think i’ll go check on her.”

peter knocked on the bathroom door hesitantly. he heard a quiet scuffle and what sounded like a sniff before a brief pause. then, your voice, saying “come in.”

he jiggled the doorknob. “it’s locked.”

“oh,” you muttered, the sound muffled from the barrier between the two of you. you opened the door with your eyes fixed at your feet, but peter opened his arms and you ran into them without hesitation. he could feel wetness soaking through his shirt.

“sorry, i didn’t mean to cry,” you chuckled bitterly. “i’ve been all emotional recently. maybe i’m like, pms-ing, or something. i don’t know.” you pulled away from peter and wiped your eyes. “sorry, the stupidest things overwhelm me sometimes.”

“it’s not stupid. if it overwhelms you, it’s not stupid. the way you feel is important.” peter took both your hands and gave you a reassuring squeeze with one. “i’m sorry for making you feel like you’re not allowed to- to struggle. it’s okay to have ups and downs, baby, i promise. i don’t wanna make you feel like you have to be perfect all the time, or put pressure on you to pretend, for my sake.”

you smiled, bottom lip wobbly. “thanks, pete. sometimes i don’t even feel like a person. i can’t even remember what it was like… before this. i can’t remember what it was like to really live, y’know, freely, without having to think about all this-” you shook your head around for emphasis, “-bullshit. and when you go to treatment, the doctors ask you all these questions about your body and your food and your problems and you just feel like one big problem that needs to be solved. and all that anyone’s been saying to me recently is how much ‘healthier’ i look and how they like me better this way, and it just frustrates me because, like-” you huffed.

“‘cause, fuck you, y’know? i don’t give a fuck about what you like. it’s really, really hard, still, to convince myself that what i’m doing is good for me. it still feels shitty—trying to ‘recover’ or whatever, i mean. so it’s just frustrating that people think i’m automatically better. it makes them think they have the right to berate my older self and praise this ‘new’ version of me, when i feel like i haven’t changed at all.”

peter’s heart sunk at your words and the only thing he could think to do was pull you closer. maybe it was more for his comfort than yours, but he buried his head into the crook of your neck and tried to ignore the watering in his eyes. he’d never thought about it that way. he had barely known what an eating disorder was before you’d told him about your medical diagnosis and that you’d be leaving; of course, he did his research, but he’d never considered the actual psychological effects that the disorder, treatment, and the words of others would have on the person.

it reminded him of when he first started being spiderman. he’d kept it a secret, knowing that the people he loved could be endangered if they knew his identity, but it felt like nobody respected that. ned and mj thought it was cool, whereas peter worried every day that they’d be hurt and it’d be his fault. he’d been spiderman for so long that he couldn’t remember what it was like to be a normal teenager; when his biggest problem was a calculus pop quiz and not an interdimensional alien war.

“that’s a lot,” peter started, unsure of what to say. he settled for not saying anything at all. “and i’m honored that you trust me enough to tell me.” he pulled back to look into your eyes, which were still a little puffy and red. “we don’t have to talk about this now, or ever, if you want. i know you have more than enough people worrying about you. if you just wanna come here and- and forget about all that, i’d be more than happy to bore you to death with star wars trivia and cuddle you until we decompose.”

you wiped your nose ungracefully, too thankful for peter to care about how you looked. “god, i don’t know what i ever did to deserve someone like you. i don’t know how someone like you could even exist,” you giggled. “i love you so much, peter.”

“i love you too. i love everything about you. everything. and even if you don’t love certain parts of you, i’ve got enough love for the both of us.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

peter parker masterlist | main masterlist

taglist:

@bambamwolf87 @im-a-slut-for-fluff @yourallihave @cowboibeepbeep @monty2000

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

if you or someone you know is struggling with disordered eating: you are not alone.

please check out these resources if you need support or help:

crisis text and call lines:

NEDA crisis textline: text “NEDA” to 741741 for free support available 24/7 national suicide prevention lifeline: call 988 for free and confidential support

how to support someone with an ed:

harmful things to say to someone with an ed family involvement in recovery how to properly approach + support someone you suspect has an ed / general information and misconceptions 10 affirming statements (use critical judgment per individual!)

other helplines, treatment options, and organizations

SAMHSA's national helpline: call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for 24/7 free, confidential service + treatment referral in spanish and english ANAD: call 1 (888)-375-7767 for support, treatment referral, and answers to general questions (only available at certain times)

(abbreviated organizations)

ANAD: national association of anorexia nervosa and associated disorders (it's quite long, isn't it?) NEDA: national eating disorder association SAMHSA: substance abuse and mental health services association

#peter parker x you #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker #peter parker hurt comfort #peter parker angst #peter parker fluff #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x you fluff #peter parker x you angst #peter parker x reader angst

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blooddrop-palace · 3 years ago

Text

DMC-OC-Week Day 1

(I have to admit, I didn’t quite have the time to prepare fully, but I’m happy to share what I have. Sera’s headshot is from Artbreeder, and all other’s are Picrew.)

Day 1 - Introduction:

Seraphina Valkyrie

“One may think less of me for it, but I would do anything for the family that loves me, for the family I love back. Even if I shall sink the entire island of Fortuna for it.

“That is not to say that I care not for the innocent. But life has taught me that people die. People will die. And there are people who will let us die. So if I had to choose, I would choose the selfish option. My loved ones over all others, because no one else can be trusted to choose them for me.

“And if I am at the tipping point, where I must choose my child’s safety and health despite the cost of the power to save him, I will not hesitate.”

Kassandra King

“Duty above all… and family is my duty. And as the secretive part-devil family we are, it is my duty to continue our line.

“But how am I supposed to feel in this modern day when our family structure is falling apart? Warriors are no longer a norm in society, and in this increasingly monitored and catalogued human world, it becomes harder to beguile men to bed without social consequence.

“And when I yearn for that fairytale love, of that perfect family where my children would have a father… what choices can be left for one such as I, who can never be completely human?

“And worst yet, how can someone like me deserve a chance or the right to have someone like him in my life?”

Arabella, the Crimson Queen

“There’s this human term being widely used now, called ‘toxic relationships.’ I find this oddly amusing. For most devils, toxic and even what humans call abusive relationships are things we live by. After all, might is right. Or, if you happen to be cunning enough or skilled enough, then it’s just a matter of survival of the fittest.

“But humans have this distinction! And while many still suffer under these abusive or toxic behaviours, there are still many more who live healthier and even more fulfilling lives without such toxicity… a fascinating example that devils refuse to acknowledge or adopt, or perhaps they are afraid to.

“This is but one of the many things I’ve learnt from Sparda. As his head maid from his time in Fortuna, though I never gained my Lord’s true love, I have become content with his mentorship, and his friendship.

“You were never a silver medal compared to the Legendary Dark Knight, my love. Sparda was my beloved mentor. But you are my one and only beloved mate. Should it turn out that your mortality errs on the side of humans… then I have but one request: bury me, as a Devil Arm, by your side. Or if your blade will be all that is left of you, pass me on with it to our future kin. Even in death, let us be together.”

Snow King

“Like any child missing a parent in their life, I have often tried to imagine what my father would be like.

“Since finding hints that my ties go back to the Legendary Dark Knight, I had many thoughts about the one rumored Son of Sparda we know is left.

“There wasn’t much for me to go off of, to be honest. I lived on the other side of the world. Even through the grapevine of the profession of devil hunters, the now Legendary Devil Hunter is but a legend to my ears. I can learn of his signature style of red, of his sword that can cleave through his enemies, and his guns that he shoots with flair. I can learn of rumors of him being a soft hearted soul, or a complete train wreck of a man. Hear of the disapproval of the destruction and bad luck that follows him. Hear of the doubt that he is as strong as they say. Hear of the doubt that he exists.

“Well, I know that he exists. My mother has admitted that much. And it was her choice to never let him know what she did.

“I can’t argue if it’s right for her to keep the happenstance that is me from him. I don’t know him, and at this point, I am not entitled to his love, or his acceptance.

“But there is still one thing I want from him.

“I want his approval.

“I am a hunter. And I want the Legendary Devil Hunter, the Son of the Legendary Dark Knight, to know that I, too, believe in the justice of protecting the small.”

Noel

“I have always felt inadequate. The orphanage on its own was enough to make me feel like I was unwanted. Even after I became fostered, I failed where it mattered most when the parents that fostered me died.

“Sometimes I wondered how maybe my life would have turned out better if Uncle V had found me earlier. But now, I guess I know that even he had it rough. I mean, I knew he did, but I didn’t know to what extent. Now I’m just kinda mad at my dad.

“But dad deserved better, too. I still don’t know how I’m going to face him when they come back. He seemed pretty stubborn about the whole lone-wolf thing. I just hope that maybe this time, Uncle V can convince him to stay.

“It’s tough. I know it myself. After Kyrie died, I was ready to leave Fortuna. I’ve been powerless to do anything for the people I love. Couldn’t save her parents. Couldn’t save her. I thought it was best if I left before Credo got hurt because of me, too. But I guess that’s not how he saw it.

“He wanted me to stay. I still left, but only for a little while. Tracked down Vergil, got in a shouting match with him. Nearly got skewered. But he convinced me that I shouldn’t have left like that. That I should remain with the people who love me, even if it’s only one person. I guess now I know better what taught him that. But I’m glad I listened.

“Credo still tries to protect me, even now. It’s strange that he feels I still deserve his care. Someone like me… I’m not worthy of his concern.”

Anthony and Caesar

((Lo and behold, whoops I don’t have any picrew or art of these two... But my idea is that they look like “those two” from DmC.))

“You know what’s weird? Being identical twin kids to an identical twin.”

“Don’t forget about our uncles on mom’s side, Tony.”

“Right. So dad’s an identical twin, and then mom has two older brothers who are also identical twins.”

“You know, I’ve read so far that there is not much of a correlation to the rates of identical twins happening being genetic. So it has to be a demon thing, right?”

“I mean, is it? Would dad know anything about that?”

“I’d think Uncle Vergil would know more.”

“Yeah yeah, you can go talk books with him.”

“Not really. He’s good at researching old occult I guess, but otherwise he’s only interested in boring literature. I like science and computers. If you thought dad was kinda bad with technology, Uncle V’s even worse.”

“Dad’s not that bad with technology. You’re just too good at it, Mr. Hacker.”

“And your solution to tech problems is to hit it. Very smart, Tony. We have demonic strength and you think hitting a delicate piece of equipment is the way to go.”

“Look, when in doubt, smack it, okay?”

Caesar sighs. “The most terrible family motto ever.”

#dmcocweek #devil may cry #OCs #Original Characters #these are by far not my only OCs haha

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rhetoricalrogue · 4 years ago

Text

Five More Minutes

Inspired by all the talk about various detectives turning and knowing that Astrid needs to be Dramatic™️ at times, here she is, giving her boyfriend (and mother, and honorary mother figure, and best friends, and...) grief post-turning. This most likely would take place a couple of years into a relationship with Adam, and she’s had a while to decide that this is the path she wants to take for the rest of her (hopefully long) life.

As always, Fiona belongs to @asaucyginger. I borrow her from time to time for shenanigans and to antagonize Adam. Astrid also has Chris Hemsworth giving out complements as her alarm clock on her phone, but only has that alarm on when Adam’s not around since while she may appreciate waking up to the sound of her celebrity crush, she knows the feeling is most definitely not mutual for Adam.

She slept for a solid week after making the transition from human to vampire. It’s wasn’t even a typical for her type of slumber - eyes twitching behind closed eyelids, breath soft and limbs relaxed - she slept as if she were literally dead, stiff, no movement whatsoever. If it weren’t for the sluggish single beat of her heart every ten seconds (Adam knew, every count of ten had been absolute torture until he heard it beat again,) Agency doctors would have deemed the procedure a failure.

One of the few positives for her being unresponsive after her change - a change that had been fairly uneventful, boring even, blessedly peaceful in it’s own way with a minimum of pain - was that she hadn’t been awake to witness the doctors perform surgery on her leg to extract the various screws and plates that she had lived with since she had been nineteen. Adam wondered how their absence would change the way she fought, seeing that she and Fiona had worked to design a swordfighting style to accommodate for a weaker knee and to protect her ankle.

The scar would remain, the doctors told them both, fairy and vampire momentarily setting aside their differences for the person they both loved as they had both paced the waiting room in worry. There was a slight tone of apology to that announcement, but both of them had breathed a sigh of relief.

One of the things Astrid had worried about was losing her scars, voicing a fear that everything her body had gone through in her short thirty-three years of existence would be wiped clean and rendered meaningless. Adam hoped she would be pleased when she discovered it hadn’t, even though the last traces of the scar Murphy had inflicted upon her had vanished, her new nature taking care of what Agency magic and medicine had started. He wondered if she would be relieved to have it gone, seeing as its presence had always bothered her and she took pains to hide it, even though it hadn’t been that visible to the ordinary eye.

Since she’d still been unresponsive after the first hour, her first feeding, and every other feeding since, had been done intravenously. Adam watched through the security cameras as Elidor had carefully set her up for the transfusion. No one had voiced it out loud, but everyone knew about how she had bitten Murphy in a similar situation. If she had bitten off a piece of his face as a human, there was no telling what she could do as a vampire if she suddenly woke up and had a negative flashback response. To his credit, Elidor had been unafraid, patting her limp hand and holding a cheerful, one-sided conversation with her the entire time.

A day passed and visitors arrived at the observation room. Markus and Tony became fixtures, both refusing to leave even after Tony almost got into a fight with security about not being allowed into Astrid’s room. She was too unstable, they said. There was no way to know how she would react if she woke up: she might be fine, she might decide to make a snack out of one of her oldest and dearest friends. It took both Fiona and Markus to talk him down and lead him back down the hall before he got kicked out of the facility.

Adam and the rest of Unit Bravo learned a lot of goofy stories about Astrid from the other three. Markus tended to stick with anecdotes from battle re-enactments and drunken post-fighting party hijinks while Tony went on tangents about their many annual Fancy New Year’s Eve parties in the City. Fiona’s voice grew soft as she recounted Astrid’s childhood and what it had been like to be a caretaker turned honorary mother figure to her since Astrid was two. Rebecca, who hadn’t budged from looking at her daughter through the monitor, thanked her for being there for Astrid when she couldn’t.

On the sixth day, the doctors allowed Cashew in, thinking that a familiar pet would bring her out of her catatonic state. Cashew, Adam was relieved to see, was unfazed by his mistress’s transformation. He merely gave her chin a few headbutts while honking plaintively before curling up at her side, his head resting in her elbow and his feet fitting into the palm of her hand. After an hour of no response, Cashew was put back into his crate and taken back to Adam’s room in the Facility. Adam knew that he wouldn’t stray far from the place until Astrid could go home, so prior to her turning, the two of them made sure Cashew would be comfortable there. Aside from a few honks to let them know he would have rather preferred his own home instead of the temporary setup, the cat had seemed fine.

Adam broke rank on the seventh day. He didn’t know if it was his fear that the woman he loved would never wake, agony at being so close yet so incredibly far from her for an entire week, the fact that he desperately needed to sleep - Nate had begged him to rest, promising that he would wake him at the slightest hint of change. Adam had refused; how could he sleep with Astrid in this state? - or a combination of the three, but in the early hours of the morning, he silently made his way out of the observation room, moving past everyone dozing in chairs and cots that had been set up for them, and walking purposely down the hall. The lone security guard only made the barest of attempts to stop him before standing down, most likely because the look on Adam’s face had stopped them in their tracks.

Astrid’s room held a faint antiseptic scent to it, most likely from the wipes used on her arm for her daily transfusions. The monitor she was hooked up to beeped in time with the slow beating of her heart and now that he was there with her in person, he could see the shallow, barely there rise and fall of her chest as she drew breath. Adam sat at the edge of the bed and counted: ten beats for her heart, twenty for her breath.

“Must you be so dramatic?” he asked, his hand reaching out to bring hers up, his lips pressed against her knuckles before turning her hand over and leaving a lingering kiss to her palm. “This has gone on long enough, don’t you think?”

The video in the observation room, no matter how crisp, had failed to capture the almost luminous quality of her skin correctly. She’d always had a healthy glow to her pale skin, but now it was highlighted even more. The freckles that dusted the tops of her cheeks and across her nose were still there as well, but they were subdued, like constellations obscured by a cloudy sky. Adam winced at the thought, knowing Nate could come up with a better metaphor.

He pressed a second kiss to her palm, then another to her wrist. Aside from the barest of changes to her complexion and a brighter, healthier sheen to her copper hair, Astrid had not changed. It wouldn’t have mattered to him one way or another: Astrid was Astrid no matter what she looked like and he would love her in any form she took, but he knew it would matter to her. Adjusting to whatever new preternatural abilities she gained would be an ordeal in itself, adjusting while feeling like a stranger in her own body would have added a level of difficulty to the process.

“I know you hate to wake on time, but please.” Adam reached out with his other hand and tenderly cupped her cheek. “Wake up. For me.”

Moments passed. Three heartbeats, two exhales. Adam hunched down and pressed his face against her chest, silently hoping to feel her fingers comb through his hair. “You’re forcing my hand,” he told her, gathering her close. Moving until his mouth brushed against the shell of her ear, he closed his eyes and grimaced. “The things I do for you.”

“Hey you. Yes, yes, yes you. Today is your day. You’ve got this. You’re absolutely crushing it at everything you do.” He leaned back when the familiar sound of her heart sounded at eight seconds, then another at seven. “You’re more than capable of taking on the world, the whole world, by storm.”

It was faint, but he swore he saw her eyelid twitch. “Speaking of the world, did you know that it’s a better place with you in it?” He brushed the backs of his fingers against her cheek. “You’re strong, you’re confident. You’re intelligent, you’re charismatic. On a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven.” He held his breath, desperately trying to find a change as he continued to recite words from a video she’d set as her usual alarm clock. The heart rate monitor next to the bed gave one beep, then two, the long, flat line on the screen making more regular jumps.

It would figure your blasted favorite actor would cause a reaction, he thought, pressing his forehead to hers. “You make me want to be a better man. Astrid, please. Open your eyes.”

One heartbeat, then two, then more until Astrid’s heart gained a cadence that was oh so familiar to him. Her breathing patterns reminded him of lazy Sunday mornings, of her asleep in his arms and half-mumbling about five more minutes. You’ve had longer than five minutes, he thought, hand tilting her face up. He didn’t have long, even if people woke to cause a diversion, until Agency doctors burst in with protests about how unsafe it was to be in such close proximity to a newly made vampire, no matter how well-fed they ensured her to be.

Astrid would never intentionally harm him, he knew that fact down to his bones. His faith in her was the reason he held no fear as he kissed her, hoping that the wishes he held back for her safe return to him would take root.

There was a twitch, the barest feeling of being kissed back that had Adam slowly sitting up straight so he could better look at her face. Ever so slowly, Astrid’s eyelashes fluttered until she blinked up at him.

“Hi.”

Adam let out a relieved laugh, heart soaring at the sound of her voice, cracked and groggy from sleep as it was. “Hello.”

She took a deep breath and blinked again, looking as if she were taking a mental inventory of her surroundings and wincing at every sound. “It worked?”

He nodded. “It did.” Reaching over, he turned off the monitor so it wouldn’t continue to irritate Astrid’s sharper hearing. “How do you feel?”

She peeled off the sticky sensor from her chest and made a move to sit up, Adam standing and offering his hands to assist. “I feel…” she looked around, her hands squeezing his. “Different, but sort of the same? I can’t describe it. I’m me, but…”

“Take your time.”

She grinned as she swung her legs over the side of the bed, eyes instantly locking onto her leg and shoulders sagging in relief at the sight of a familiar scar. “Sort of have all the time in the world now, don’t we?”

Adam pulled her to her feet and held her close, fingers sinking into her hair. “That we do.”

“So, how long was I out? Did we miss that special on the History Channel we were going to watch while sipping on blood bags and eating a cheese board?”

He held her closer, the side of his face buried against hers. “Astrid, you’ve been asleep for a week. We most certainly missed the show, but I recorded it for you to watch when you’re ready.”

She jerked up, the top of her head banging against his chin. “What?” her voice was louder than normal and she winced at the sound. “A whole week?”

“Trust me, it was troubling for us all too.”

Her eyes widened. “Cashew! Who’s been taking care of my cat?”

Suppressing the urge to roll his eyes, Adam settled for raising an eyebrow instead. “Our cat. Don’t worry, I made sure he didn’t starve.”

She froze, head cocking to the side. “There’s someone coming down the hall.” Her nose crinkled a bit. “This is so weird, how the hell do I know that’s Tony by smell alone?” She sniffed again. “And why does he smell like the cotton candy from that boardwalk we always go to on his birthday?”

“You’ll get used to it. I don’t think you’ll have a lack of vampires ready to help you answer any questions you may have.”

Astrid’s arms tightened around his waist and he felt the barest of trembles. Knowing her as he did, he knew she was trying to put on a strong front as she attempted to center herself in her new reality, acute senses and all. “I do have one question,” she stated, head against his shoulder.

“What is it?”

“Would it be possible to get a few minutes to myself? Markus is coming down the hall with like five other people and…” She looked up at him, the barest hint of fangs peeking out from behind her lips. It was maddeningly endearing. “I love them all, but it’s a little much?”

He nodded, kissing the crown of her head as he did so. “I’ll see what I can do.”

He had his hand on the doorknob when she called back to him. “Once you stall them, will you come back? I don’t really want to be alone-alone, and you…”

He understood the look she gave him, the unspoken sentiment that hovered between them. There would be time later to express it - and how light he felt, knowing they had today and tomorrow and a million other tomorrows after together! - but he knew what she meant. The noise and the presence of others may be a bit much, but just being around her was a balm to his senses, the sound of her voice soothing, the feel of her hand in his right, clicking into place as if he had been made to be at her side.

She was his home, and it still astounded him (and most likely would forever astound him) that she regarded him as hers.

Adam nodded, his mouth curving into a smile that matched the one Astrid gave him. “Always.”

#my writing #pairing: stoic and stubborn #astrid sinclair #adam du mortain #this is so ROUGH but I had the idea and the time/energy to write and HAD to get it out before I lost my opportunity #totally unedited but what the hell I’m sharing anyway

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anartofblooming · 4 years ago

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The Perils of Digital Escapism and the Power of a Digital Detox

Disclaimer: this is my own personal experience with digital escapism and I hope that sharing this experience might serve others who’ve gone through something similar, especially at a time where most of us are locked down because of COVID-19. I’m not claiming one size fits all.

It’s been about six months since I’d relapsed into a deepened state of depression. After a series of challenging events, I was incredibly overwhelmed. At the time, I didn’t have it in me to go through the pain of processing my emotions and, as a result, I withdrew into the numbing world of my phone. I felt safe there, mindlessly playing games for hours on end, but it was a false sense of safety. The more I withdrew into my device, the harder it became for me to function and enjoy the things I once used to.

Tasks like brushing my teeth, showering, and keeping my space clean became progressively daunting, let alone handling the greater responsibilities of adulthood. Overeating food without actually tasting it magnified the numbing effect, so I gained 16 kilos over a span of four months. I felt so uncomfortable in my own body, my need to withdraw grew stronger. I barely engaged with my partner, friends and family. I essentially became a sad potato that would migrate from my bed to the couch every single day for those months.

This was deadening me inside. I wanted to withdraw more privately, to ease the guilt I felt when I was seen in my vegetative state. So, I slept throughout most of the day and spent most of my nights wide awake. The lack of sunlight, in turn, made my depression worse. I was quickly heading down through the vortex of a downward spiral and I knew that, if I kept going through this vortex, my suffering would ultimately become much worse.

The Perils of Digital Escapism

1. It prolongs recovery unnecessarily

The longer I escaped, the harder it was for me to bounce back and practice healthier habits. It IS doable, but I had to jump through more hoops and my path to recovery was unnecessarily extended.

2. It can take a toll on the body

The mindless activity of escaping into a device lead me to mindlessly eat too. Mindless eating leads to weight gain. The more I escaped into my devices, the more I became sedentary. I became more prone to painful infections, developed severe GI issues and sleep apnea, became a pre-diabetic and, to my disbelief, began experiencing internal bleeding that made me anemic. I felt trapped inside my own body. Every movement became uncomfortable and strenuous.

3. It exacerbates mental illness

The state of my mental health became worse. The minor benefit I got from retreating into the world in my device was akin to placing a bandaid on an amputation. It doesn’t work. In the same way that poorly dealing with an amputation can result in bleeding to death, dealing poorly with a mental illness can have horrible results.

4. Self esteem takes a hit

Failing to take care of myself made me feel guilty and ashamed. Then, not processing those feelings only made them fester. I’d think, “wow, I’m so useless, worthless, pathetic, etc. etc. etc.” To no surprise, this negative self talk made my depression worse.

5. Relationships suffer

I was barely engaging with my partner, friends and family. I can say, with confidence, that this was the worst side effect of digital escapism for me. I felt lonely, isolated and disconnected from the world.

6. Purpose and meaning are stripped

The days blended into one another and I lost my sense of meaning and purpose. I had no reason to wake up in the morning, but went through the motions anyway. This created a nihilistic undertone that cast a shadow on my life, stoking a small flame of anxiety into a raging fire.

7. Sleep loses its quality

My sleep became irregular, further exacerbating my physical, mental, and emotional suffering. On the outside, I was motionless but, on the inside, I was restless. This made my anxiety worse.

It was time to make a change.

I unsubscribed from all my streaming services, deleted the games on my phone and placed restrictions on my social media apps using an app blocker. I let my partner set the password so I couldn’t go back and surrender to the temptation of my devices when I felt anxious. I entered the process of a digital detox and the positive change this created for me was monumental.

The Power of a Digital Detox

1. The discomfort of zero distractions motivates productivity

Because I couldn’t escape or distract myself anymore, I had to fill my days with other activities; specifically, those activities I avoided in my digital escape. I used the two minute rule for anything I found daunting. Washing dishes? I put a two minute timer on and gave myself permission to stop when it went off. Responding to an email? Two minutes to start my draft. Brushing my hair? Two minutes. What ended happening is this: once I started I, more often than not, finished the task working past the two minute mark. It was much easier than I had perceived it to be before starting. If I was having a really bad day, I still accomplished my two minutes and that felt good, even if I only did a single two minute task that day.

2. Couch potatoes become sweet potatoes

I began to move more. It’s boring to sit on a couch all day without the distraction of a phone or the television. I began making to do lists for myself and moved around inside the house. I even began to go for short walks outside, something which was previously very daunting for me. All the weight I’d gained began to drop and with it my health issues began to diminish as well.

3. Mental health improves

I began to take more interest in things again, like learning, drawing, and writing. I was listening to audiobooks while cleaning and taught myself new skills, like how to start a solid fire in a Norwegian Winter.

4. Self esteem improves

Becoming productive as a result of my digital detox made me feel good about myself. I was accomplishing things and this made me feel useful, worthy, competent, etc. etc. etc. I was motivated to treat myself well as a result. The more I treated myself with respect, self compassion and self care, the more confident I felt.

5. Relationships improve

began to engage more with my loved ones. This made me feel more connected to the world. I started laughing more often, relating to others and forming new memories. The feeling of connection was the most powerful benefit of my digital detox.

6. There’s more focus on self care I began to connect with my body in a nurturing way. I’d dance with my partner as we cooked in the kitchen, I’d apply body lotion to enjoy its feeling and scent, and I began to take pleasure in brushing my hair until it felt silky. I sought to feel good in ways that were healthy for me.

7. Purpose and meaning is discovered once more

I became more intentional with how I spent each day, and this was reviving. I then took a step further by setting my intentions for the next day by writing them down the night before. Over time, I started to feel more excited about my life and what I could do with it.

8. Sleep improves

My sleep became more regular, giving me a bit more energy to take on the process of recovery. I started feeling more rested and relaxed. My energy began to replenish itself.

I Didn’t Forgo Technology Altogether

Rather, I am using it more purposefully now. I use my phone to catch up with friends and family, as well as make shopping lists for my trips to the grocery store. On my laptop, I’m working on writing my book, research, and creating this blog, and the television is solely reserved for movie time with my partner and step son. I do still use social media, but I’ve tailored my app blockers to only give me access for an hour a day, starting at 6:30pm after dinner and ending at 7:30pm. Disconnecting from distracting apps is allowing me to reconnect with the world and this is the radical self care I needed to become proactive in my healing journey.

#love #self love #mental health #instagood #follow #life #coronavirus #quarantine #new #followme #explorepage #healingjourney #lifestyle #explore #repost #winter #2021vision #2021goals #2021challenge

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memoriesofyccjungrk · 5 years ago

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this is a very … unexpected fc change notice !!

i’ve been struggling for about … a year ? trying to revitalize this muse ? not that i’ve lost any love for yccjungrk – actually, that’s why i’m trying this out to see if it makes much of a difference. she’s a muse that i hold very close to my heart, and that i couldn’t fathom abandoning … so here we are, trying something different ! if you know me well or follow me on twitter, you probably know i was considering this fc change about ? i think a year ago ? and i think it’s finally time to give it a try. new year, new muse, i guess ? so, two years after her acceptance we’ve finally moved from weki meki’s choi yoojung to dreamcatcher’s lee gahyeon !! nothing more than her face ( obviously ), birthdate ( now february 3, she’s an aquarius now ! ), and her hometown ( busan ! ) has changed !! it shouldn’t affect her muse much, slight personality tweaks, although not so much due to the fc change versus a small revamp of her – but that will be explained below. it’s not even really a revamp.

but anyway – gahyeon’s among very few fcs i could see representing this muse, and i knew that if i ever did change yccjungrk’s fc, it would be to gahyeon. so here we are !! we’re starting this muse’s third year here at rookies, as well as 2020, with a path to what’s hopefully a happier, healthier, and more active muse. so, below are some ramblings trying to figure things out, as well as plots ( !! ) and some new information about royal’s lovely lupine, lee gahyeon !! please welcome her with open arms.

here’s to new beginnings ♥

things have been a little ? tough for this muse recently. so here’s going back to the beginnings – because honestly, her muse wasn’t very established when i started out here at rookies. instead, i started with a generic muse who felt a little lost, a little betrayed, and didn’t know what she wanted to do upon coming to rookies. as i established her as a muse here, the following developed ::

her mother died when she was young, and is the reason she started dancing

her father shut down after her mother’s death, blaming himself for what happened

she tried to reconcile and cope with what happened, but she was young and her father, who was her only real support system at the time, wasn’t responding well either … so, she had to grow up very quickly and take care of herself

she worked at a dance studio throughout high school that she’d attended as a student in middle school

she participated in a dance crew while in high school

she excelled in school because she wanted her father to notice her – but he never did because he paid little attention to anything

she managed to get into snu on a full-ride scholarship bc of her grades, and moved to seoul to attend as a linguistics major to go into a ‘ practical ’ career where she could make money, but she … really hated it

the only thing that got her through it was that she worked as a choreographer at a dance studio, image, in seoul; that dance studio was basically her life, if she wasn’t at the snu library, she was there

finally alone, she thought about actually pursuing her dreams and doing what she wanted for once in her life

with the help of kim doyeon, she applied for the mgas

she’s still confused as to how she managed to get a contract, and that royal entertainment of all companies wanted her

she was excited, but stressed, in the beginning – now she’s mostly just stressed

her life doesn’t have much direction now

of course the direction she’s currently pointed is toward debut – and don’t get me wrong, she wants to debut !! but with the boy’s recent debuts gahyeon can’t help but look at them and feel a little helpless. because of course it’s a good sign – it means it’s possible to debut !! but it also means that she likely won’t debut anytime soon. she does love being a trainee and realizes how lucky she is to even have gotten this chance, much more with royal – but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t gotten a little … well, lost ( *cue lost in the woods from frozen 2* ). she doesn’t know what to do because sure, she has what she wanted – she’s a trainee now !! she’s so grateful !! but she’s also, well … a trainee now. her path is uncertain from here on out. she’s aware that royal wouldn’t debut a girl group for a while.

so … what to do now ?

the simple thing is to throw her to the wringer. get her sick, have her father come back to haunt her, injure her, something simple. easy stuff. but not really likely ? gahyeon’s careful and knows her limits ( even if she tends to overwork herself anyway, but at least she usually realizes when too much is too much ), so she wouldn’t allow herself to get injured nor is she likely to get sick, and the ol’ mun in the back has plans for gahyeon’s father … so that doesn’t leave a whole lot. the lovely mod carly mentioned writing out goals, so … what are those atm ?

debut, with the royal girls preferably

get lee dongmin to kiss her ( yes jess, she won’t shut up about it )

keep in better contact with her idol & non-trainee friends

create new choreography

go back to university

create a life outside of royal

admittedly, it’s not much. it’s hard to … muddle through the fog that’s surrounded her muse, because she feels stuck. she feels as though she’s not making any real progress, and like everything involving trainee-dom is monotonous. she doesn’t like doing the same thing week after work, and january’s evaluation is the first one she’s actually been pretty excited about. she doesn’t know how to fix that issue … doesn’t know where to go, who to talk to – but … she has friends.

life outside of royal hasn’t really … existed much for gahyeon since signing. she talks with friends outside of royal primarily through text, and she meets with her friends at events around the city when she has time, but ? that can’t be her life. that’s really why everything’s so boring. her life is work, eat, sleep, repeat. she doesn’t do much outside of her trainee schedule ( not that royal gives her much time ), but all work and no play makes johnny a dull boy, and all that.

with the fc change, gahyeon isn’t much different. actually, most of her personality changes have already been put in place via her becoming a trainee, and being more confident in herself and her skills. she still has severe insecurities about herself and her talent that she masks with a convincing enough façade – but maybe we can break that ? her birthdate change makes her an aquarius now ( which, i’m sorry aquarius friends, made me literally groan irl bc i’ve met very few aquarius’ i like rip ). so, it’s almost as if the personality she was gaining fits her a little bit more now – just … more insecure than maybe she should be. with her time as a trainee, gahyeon has become more independent, and is more likely to speak up for herself. it doesn’t help the fact that she’s a little, well, over-emotional. not that she wasn’t before – it’s only amplified by the fact she’s a little more forward than perhaps she was before becoming a trainee. she tends to take on a mentor/motherly role to anyone younger than her, or anyone who has any struggles and asks her for help. she puts other people before herself and is almost altruistic to a fault. she prioritizes other people and their progress over her own, but she usually makes up for it by working herself ragged. but that’s always how her life has been – she took care of her father, so she takes care of everyone around her. it’s always been about them – never her.

i’ve also noticed something: gahyeon needs connections.

i have this problem where she has relationships/friendships with people, but she never really ? interacts with them ? i don’t know why, probably because i’m quite terrible at plotting and have run dry on ideas – but you know ! we need to change that. she only has maybe ? 2-3 solid, deep connections ? but we always need more.

anyone who may have met gahyeon back in her dance crew days !! this would’ve been around 2015-17 ? she also would’ve travelled a bit for it, so if you were perhaps part of one, y’all would probably have met at competitions !

she’s now from busan instead of changwon – so maybe i could get more past connections for her ? maybe people she knew in hs or who went to the dance studio she was a junior choreographer at ?

people who used to take glasses from gahyeon and want to reconnect

people who went to snu with gahyeon and either knew she auditioned for mgas/were confused when she dropped bc they never knew and want to know what happened

you’ve seen her videos online/saw her on the mgas, so you approach her !! maybe you’re also a youtuber, and you want to collab on something !! she’s super open, and youtube challenges seem dumb and fun she’ll do it

you need a roommate, and gahyeon’s apartment is big enough for two people – after some talks with the super, they’re letting her get a roommate, and honestly gahyeon’s super thankful, she’s very lonely and hates living alone

you live in gahyeon’s building and her dog always at some point in the night ends up yipping – you realize that it’s when gahyeon comes home and decide to confront her about it. she’s a child and scared when you confront her, maybe she cries – but she’s exhausted and you notice and well now you’re friends

maybe we need a burnt out trainee support group bc gahyeon wants to lay on the floor and sleep all the time and that’s just not healthy

speaking of which, you find her on the practice room floor one night because she fell asleep before she could manage to leave … and maybe you reprimand her because she really shouldn’t be doing that

someone she opens up to about her struggles – especially about her feeling inadequate. a connection where gahyeon hadn’t realized there would be one.

you two were close before gahyeon became a trainee and she apologizes profusely for dropping off the face of the planet when she got signed but you’re here now so let’s go get some korean bbq and i’ll pay for the drinks, okay !!!

literally anyone who will do bts cyphers with gahyeon ( preferably trainees, but if non-trainees would want this plot uh !! she has a youtube channel !! what’s stopping her ?? catch gahyeon snatching j-hope’s lines thank you very much

gahyeon likes to cook let’s have a party or smthing sometime soon and like. she can just cook for everyone. idk. let gahyeon cook more 2k20

not to mention, she’s open for ... literally anything. please, if you’re interested in anything, hit me up, either here or on twitter ( @/arkendrai ). i want and need more plots, and i want gahyeon to last a long time here. if we’ve already plotted and you want to snatch something up ! let me know ! if we haven’t ! let me know !! we can get ... literally anything started, please

i love you all, and i hope this is a better year for us all

#rkopenplot #. * | ooc.#. * | milestone.

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fly-underground · 5 years ago

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six hundred and seventy five: 2019

The annual year in review entry. I’ve written this post nine times, one for every year of this decade. I reread the very first one, from 2010, aloud to my mother the other night. My writer’s voice is so chipper in it, so young. I had just started college. In so many ways, I had barely lived. I was about to list off all the things I hadn’t yet done, as an explanation. But the truth is, even now, having done at least a few of those things, I still have barely lived. I want to remember that, to bottle up that feeling of wistfulness for a younger self, that protective inclination to wait for things to get better and worse, because I know I still need it. There is still so much I haven’t done, so much I want to do. Ways to spend the next few decades, if I’m lucky enough to have them.

Last year at this time, I think I was home alone with Cory. I can’t remember it perfectly. The past few years have blurred together in that regard. Was this the year that Mariah Carey sang badly during Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve? I’ll look it up after I write this. The point is, I welcomed in the new year alone, but not really, and then received a flurry of text messages from my mother and brother and so many friends. January passed in New York for the most part. I went to my favorite bar every week, first with Liz and then with Vivian. I got bad news one night about a fellowship and the next night, I found out that my fellowship paper was selected for an academic conference. I felt like Even Steven, losing one thing, gaining another. By the time I made it back to Boston, for the spring semester, it was the end of the month. That last week became so important, especially in retrospect. I met a man from the past in one of my classes, someone I knew vaguely from my time at Swarthmore. February was about him. And so was March and April and May.

I used to keep details off my blog, because I was afraid of people reading and piecing together the truth. I wanted to be polite and coy. Now, I guess I don’t really know who is still reading this. And maybe I also don’t care. If you know me, really know me, you know what happened. If you don’t, well: in February, this blast from the past man sent me an email about coffee. I said yes and we spent hours together, walking around Cambridge, the pink sky of the new moon above our heads. Then he asked me to go to the Arnold Arboretum. We never went. Instead, we talked for hours in another coffee shop. Uncharacteristically, I asked to see his place and after I met his roommates, in-between bites of fig newtons, he leaned over and whispered: Can I kiss you? His tongue slipped into my mouth in the darkness of his living room. He kissed me again on his doorstep and my head spun on the lyft ride home. I threw up hours two hours later, from the hunger induced migraine. I didn’t eat at all that day, except for the cookies in his house and the lettuce wrapped in turkey at midnight in my bed. Of course I threw up. The next week, we went out again. Later, in my bed, wrapped up in his wiry, tattooed arms, I was just happy. That was when he told me, that he’s an alcoholic and an addict. It should have changed something for me, it should have set off an alarm. It didn’t.

Four days later, he relapsed. He had cancelled and then un-cancelled our date. I met him at a Starbucks and on the T back to his place, our legs touched. I felt bad, terrible in a way that I couldn’t name. We watched some Netflix original reality show and then, in his bed, we had sex. We kissed. He told me about his history of self harm and severe mental illness. I talked about my own trauma. It was not a good date. I couldn’t sleep after. In the morning, after he made me eggs and I realized he would not be going to his next AA meeting, I asked, trying not to cry, Will I see you again? He said of course, and then he backed me into a wall and kissed me with a boyish glee. I felt relieved and stupid. Three days later, he told me he couldn’t make it to my place for dinner. He said that he felt like he had encountered me in the wrong moment of his life, that he couldn’t stop drinking, that he was checking himself into a facility, that I meant something to him. I cried that whole weekend. I barely ate. No one could help me.

It was like this for months. Every interaction between us charmed and hurt me. When he was doing well, I was joyous. Otherwise, I was miserable. I skipped meals. I had nightmares. I cried alone in my room, on walks around campus. I lost weight and inches. I felt like I was dying. Somehow, in that strange internal darkness, I realized I was not okay. I wanted to be okay, more than anything. I felt bad all the time and I was tired of feeling bad. In April, I started seeing a therapist. In May, I started seeing a nutritionist. I went to a support group meeting and read literature about codependency. I felt like it was my fault, my emotions, my own shit. I called my mother and Vivian and Michael. I was defensive about this guy. Addiction is a disease, an addict is not a Bad Person, but he can be a deeply troubled person.

And then, after all of that, one day in May, he told me that he had gotten involved with someone. It was the way he said it. Two weeks before, in his bed, he had asked if he could undress me. I told him then, sitting outside the Harvard Square T stop, that he was a coward. He flinched, like I hit him. I said, I thought I loved you, but you aren’t who I thought you were. I guess, I didn’t really love you then. I also said, I’m sorry if that hurt you, I don’t mean to hurt you. And he told me, his eyes glassy, that I meant something to him. Of course, I knew that. Of course, it didn’t matter.

I skipped some stuff, or I made it seem small. In May, when I went to that support group meeting, I actually spoke in the group. I said, Every day I feel this intense pressure to try my best. I want to be kind and generous and patient and brave and good. But it’s so much work, being that way. Sometimes, I can’t do it. Sometimes, I just don’t have it in me. On those days, I want to give myself permission, to simply try. On those days, “best” is not the goal. The goal is to keep at it, whatever it is. So, I went to classes and socialized and asked for help. I told my therapist in April, that coming to therapy meant that I wasn’t hopeless, that I hadn’t given up on myself. In March, I presented my paper at an academic conference, as a single author. I was also on a poetry panel with Trista, Amanda, Cyrus, and Iain. How insane to be there with them, to be included in a family of poets.

In June, the man disappeared, moved away without a real goodbye. At the time, I was devastated. I can’t describe the feeling of abandonment, but I thought: love is not for me. I thought it through June and July. I went out with a series of inconsequential men. There’s a photo I saved on my phone, after one of those dates. He wasn’t a bad guy, just boring, just rude. I came home and cried until my mascara had spread across my face. I went back to New York in July, and in between visiting with friends and volunteering at camp, I had a hilarious summer fling, not a story just something for friends to gossip about. Even then, I was lonely. I didn’t run away from it, though. I recognized it. I thought, I should keep trying. Maybe I would find a good thing.

August had me dog-sitting and transliterating Sanskrit books and gearing up for the final year of my master’s degree and looking into various doctoral programs. It was also when I went on a first date with this handsome, funny, smart, and unbelievably kind man, who would eventually become my boyfriend— how weird that word looks here, how funny that it means something to me after all these years. It has felt like emotional whiplash, this year, loving two men. Looking back, it should be easy to say oh that wasn’t really love. But that’s not true. I loved two people this year, just so differently. If the first love made me nervous, the second makes me calm. I was on a bus back to Boston after Thanksgiving and the traffic was terrible and I felt an ugly irritation bubble inside me because of my seat neighbor. I thought about my boyfriend then, his easy smile, how he rubs my back when I cough. What a small thing, but I felt lighter just thinking about it. It sounds silly and cheesy, I know. But I don’t want to belittle it, not here. I don’t think I have ever really felt so good to be with someone before. It is so new to me, this joy, this stability. I don’t want to take it for granted.

I wrote in my journal a few days ago, that I’m not sure if this relationship is good because he is so good, or because I have done the work of trying to lead a healthier life. Is this just a byproduct of one or the other? Or, as Liz says, is this what happens when two Virgos come together? I don’t know, I loved a Virgo once before, and I don’t remember ever feeling this light. This is different. He is different.

In September, I went to Denmark for my ten year reunion camp reunion. I started this blog right after that iconic summer, 16 and strangely tan from all that northern sun. From October through December, I applied to doctoral programs. Yes, again. We’ll see what happens. For the first time, I don’t really know what I want in my future, but I’m trying to trust in the universe to guide me there. I know I want love. It’s hard for me to admit that. I used to scorn women who named that in their list of goals, but it’s important, as important as everything else. I want to feel close to someone. I want a life of meaning, even if it just means something to me. I want to write. I hate that I ever stopped doing that. I feel sometimes like I have wasted my potential there, in writing professionally. I hope that’s not true. I am not ready to give this up, this dream that could still turn into something.

Something that I said a lot this year: whatever happens, I’ll be okay. During a depressive episode a few weeks ago, I thought I was losing everyone in my life, that everyone secretly hated me. What I told myself then, was not that I was crazy or wrong, but that I could deal with it. It’s true. If that happened, I could deal with it. But I hate that response. I wish I fought more. I wish I didn’t turn over so easily. Not that I think I could change someone’s mind. But I wish I didn’t just accept the worst case scenario. Anyway, maybe it’s strange even to debate this. The truth is so far from the worst case scenario. In fact, right now the truth is I am so fucking lucky. Ten years ago, I was just a high school student whining on the internet. Today, I am a Harvard graduate student; I am an author; I have a publication list that makes professors raise their eyebrows; people care about what I write and think; there are people who love me, really love me; I am healthier and happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. I worked for this. I earned it. I didn’t give up on me.

I can’t predict anything about the future. I’m always so hilariously wrong. Mostly I hope I never stop trying. 2020 still sounds like a fiction, but it’s real, it’s happening, it’s here. It’s funny, I only ever feel that surprised by joy. I hope that never changes.

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justimajin · 5 years ago

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In the Imajining of: A Lone Wolf’s Howl

If you’ve read my stories before, you know the drill. I break up the story into pieces, talk about what my thought process was like and basically describe what was happening behind the scenes.

Alright, let’s get it!

The Idea

The Characters

The Plot

Difficult Parts

The Overall Series

The Idea:

I’ve had the idea for this story for a long time and in fact, it was originally supposed to be only 3 parts long. I was thinking about just making it a mini-series with the same storyline, except the events would happen much quicker and be shorter. In a way this could of worked, but all of the important parts would have been omitted (Y/N being a wolf and her entire backstory) since Y/N would find out Jungkook was a werewolf, hate him and then come back to realize she was wrong.

This seriously could have worked, but the story itself wouldn’t have been so complex and Y/N’s character would have been an on and off switch (happy in Part 1, mad in Part 2 and then happy again in Part 3 lol). This would have rushed everything so I decided to throw away the idea of a mini-series and went with the full fleshed out story we have now.

The Characters:

Y/N: The process of making the main character was a little different for this time around, because I wanted to experiment around and give her a noticeable personality. I originally thought I would make her more scared of her abilities, in the sense that she’s been trained to become a slayer but it’s not something she’s ever wanted to do. She would have been against doing hunts all together and would almost work like a “puppet”, aka doing everything the Elder told her to do and have no real control over her fate. Sounds really bad, but I did end up retaining some of this with how she’s terrified during her first hunt, believing deeply in what she thinks is right but horrified by its outcomes.

So Y/N ended up being much different, she was a lot more strong-willed and tactful, and instead of being against her people, she was in full support of what they did. I thought this was nice to see in a challenging perspective for her character as well, from her cruel reaction to finding out Jungkook was a werewolf to understanding him and realizing where she went wrong and then eventually mating with him. She grows a lot (I literally sound a proud mom right now lol) and by the end, you’ve seen her come full circle with everything that’s happened.

Jungkook: Jungkook’s character was interesting to write in this and I think it’s because I’ve never attempted to write someone like him. This is because Jungkook is what I like to call, a “back-seater” character. Basically he’s the lead in the story but this isn’t his story, it’s Y/N’s. So he ends up taking the backseat to many of the situations since Y/N is the one struggling and he doesn’t have the same attachment to his people like she does. He still does have attachment to them, just in a better and healthier way.

Jungkook’s also very similar to Y/N, in different ways. He’s very protective of people he loves and he reacts to everything right away, not really processing things before he does. Namjoon has helped him with this and usually acts as the voice of reason through the series, because he’s dealing with two very strong willed and emotionally reactive characters and he doesn’t let them barge into anything without thinking it through first.

The Plot:

The plot came from where most of my idea’s come from: excessive daydreaming lol. Basically I was thinking about different relationship dynamics and I thought back to one I had created in one of my previous series, Catching a Case of Doctor Blues *SPOILER ALERT* That series explored reuniting two best friends that had fallen apart because of drastic circumstances. They started off as enemies but eventually became closer as time passed.

So I started to think what would happen if the two best friends couldn’t recover? If you had two people who thought they knew everything about each other when they really don’t? I played around with the idea for a while, thinking about what situation could really emphasize the problem when I stumbled onto a werewolf au someone else had posted.

From there everything just clicked in right away - a werewolf and a werewolf slayer, best friends that think there’s no secrets between when really they’re living two complete different worlds away. I had my story and I was ready to write.

Difficult Parts:

This is a new category I’ve added from before and that’s because I’d like to note that this series was perhaps the hardest thing I’ve ever written. Although I did try my best to work with everything I laid out, there was definitely some challenges I had with it:

The Tone:

This series had a very odd mix tone-wise and it was a mix that at times wasn’t too hard to write, but at other times I kind of felt like yanking all my hair out lol. Basically Part 1 serves to introduce Y/N and Jungkook’s relationship. It’s fun and comedic, giving you a real good sense of what these two characters are like and what the relationship between them is. They’ll poke fun at each other, understand and listen to each other, and are extremely comfortable around each other. They’re the ideal best friends lol. However this tone completely changes when you get to Part 2, which serves to introduce Y/N’s character in more depth and make you take a whole 180 to go like “there’s much more to this character than I had originally assumed”. The tone takes a drastic change by the time you get to Part 3, with Jungkook and Y/N discovering their on opposite sides and there close friendship suffering tons because of it. The rest of the series follows what I call, a mixed tone. It fluctuates between the angst the storyline is set in, along with Y/N and Jungkook trying to repair what they’ve lost along the way to that same comedic element the first Part has, and then eventually with them getting closer as time goes on and realizing they have feelings for each other. By the end of the story, the tone is very similar to the one they had in the beginning of the series, with the reader left thinking if the events in the series actually even happened. However, Jungkook and Y/N are much closer than before, poke fun at each other’s abilities and have a much better understanding of each other than they started off with - so the stories events did take place, but the impact it left wasn’t as huge since these characters already started off strong in the beginning.

A great deal of this tone mixture was due to my part, I really wanted to experiment and change things up. I believe having different types of stories doesn’t make things boring and always keeps me challenged in a way where I have to think differently compared to before, even if it’s a huge pain to do so.

Writing Action:

Now this was a challenge I didn’t even anticipate. All I had in mind was that I wanted to write a badass main character along with some epic wolf fights. However when I started writing, I realized that it was potentially going to be a harder than I had imajined hoho.

Writing action is a little weird because it’s not so much about what the character is feeling but rather all the movements they’re doing. Basically if it’s properly written, it can get real boring real fast. I also had to think a lot in how wolves would fight with each other and with humans so that lead to a whole array of problems I didn’t expect.

The Overall Series:

I would say I’m pretty happy with the end result of the story. It was hard and complex to write, but it challenged me to work with it and piece everything together along the way. I’m most proud of being able to take the werewolf genre and doing something different with it, so in a way I could bring something unique to the table that readers wouldn't have anticipated.

#one other challenge i forgot to mention #was how i had to understand how wolfs work #their powers #their packs #how they transform etc #but the real hard part was #creating a new type of people with slayers #because in a way i didn't want to confuse anyone #but i wanted to leave that mystery of something new #something intriguing #since when you see werewolves you already know what they're like #but slayers allowed that ability to show something you couldn't really predict #if that makes sense #anyways #in summary folks #a hard series but it was worth it #tons of blood and sweat shed but it created something good #i'm happy with it

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bennettish · 5 years ago

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Here are my scribbles for the night, because I realize that I get the most mushy and pensive in the evening. I think it’s a good time to reflect on stuff. It’s also really quiet right now because everyone else has gone to bed. It’s good writing and thinking time!

Sidenote: it’s chill for y’all, my followers, to read my scribbles if you want, but do know that it’s always going to be a bit personal. I’m not one to shy away from puzzling about my thoughts and feelings out loud, so don’t feel bad if you think this is like, invasive somehow. It’s not. I share a lot. Today’s topic is the nuances of sexuality and attraction, so if that’s a difficult topic for you, definitely don’t delve further.

Anyway, so some of my writing buddies were talking about ace inclusion in the LGBTQ+ community earlier, and whenever I hear about the topic I get a lot of anxiety.

I mean, I feel fine now, it’s okay. I took an anxiety pill and I’ve settled into my comfy Post-Surgery Sleeping Position on the couch. I just got really thrown off by the conversation, and I can’t figure out why it bothered me so much. I’ve been puzzling through this feeling for a long-ass time. And no, it’s not the inclusion part that gets me. Ace/aro people absolutely deserve a place in this community.

I just can’t,,, figure out my own level of attraction? And I think that’s why the conversation made me so nervous.

I fully understand that identity is an ever-morphing and evolving thing. My own identity has shifted no fewer than five times over the last 5 years. First I came out as bi, then a lesbian, then... gender, question mark? Then I came out as a trans man, and I fully admitted to myself that I’m bi, actually, and I’d mostly ignored my attraction to men for about five years because my last romantic encounter with one made me so uncomfortable and dysphoric.

So now I’m a bi trans man, and that feels more correct than ever. I don’t anticipate my identity will shift much more in the future. I’ve never in my life felt so comfortable and sure of where I stand. Except: attraction.

I have absolutely no idea if I’m ace or not, and I think I have a lot of internalized prejudice, actually. Like, outwardly I understand that someone being ace is totally normal! But whenever I imagine myself as ace, I feel a huge shame. I remember, one time when I was in college, a girl I was friends with told me that she just assumed I was ace because I was.... quiet, smart, shy, not opinionated, etc. I forget her exact wording, but she was basically insinuating that I was ace because she found me to be a sort-of boring person. Needless to say, I wasn’t friends with her after that. I avoided the hell out of her.

And sometimes I think: there’s no way I can be ace. I’ve made out with people at parties and enjoyed it. I like being close to people. I like kissing (sometimes) and cuddling and holding hands. But no, I haven’t slept with anyone. My last (and only) girlfriend was ace, and I was perfectly happy with that. The relationship in general had its problems, but that certainly wasn’t one of them. I was perfectly happy just existing romantically with her. We didn’t even kiss much, to be honest, but that wasn’t an issue for me.

Since we broke up, I’ve mainly been on a few dates where I’ve occasionally made out with people. Which has mostly been fun! But every time I’ve gotten even vaguely close to moving things further with someone, I stop the whole situation and slow it down to zero. I just can’t. Is it the dysphoria? Is it me being insecure? Or is it the fact that I just... could do without?

The problem I run into is: I just really don’t want to find out what’s stopping me. Maybe I’m repulsed. I don’t know. But I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I go to hook up with someone just to figure it out and then be more confused or traumatized.

So I just... won’t. I don’t know where I’m at, but I’ll have to leave it at that or otherwise be hurt.

But the other problem I run into is like... well, loneliness. I’m not aromantic. I’m like the loviest mushiest dude on this entire planet. But there’s... a lot of limitations that keep me from being the kind of person that someone might want to date, you know? I’m fat, I’m trans, I might be ace. It’s not impossible, I know, but those things can make it harder for people to find companionship. Which sucks.

My mind always goes back to the giant longitudinal Harvard psychological research study. It’s a huge study, whatever, whatever, but one of their main findings was that people who have strong social connections — healthy marriages, families, communities — live longer, happier, healthier lives. And loneliness very literally kills. I’m not afraid of dying, per se, but I am afraid of loneliness. Because I feel it all the time. I have friends and family and I’m somewhat involved in my community, but at the end of the day, the quiet still draws close and weighs heavy.

And I’m so afraid of that quiet, more than literally anything else. That’s why an ace identity scares me so much sometimes. I don’t want to keep adding bricks to the barriers that keep me lonely.

These are very difficult thoughts, but I’m okay. These thoughts are not new. I just wanted to write them somewhere for once. It’s good for me.

Good night, world. 💤

#scribbles #shit’s complicated man

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thevampireknight · 5 years ago

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Priceless Bits Of Relationship Advice That Will Save You A Lifetime Of Heartache

1. You can’t convince someone to love you.

“You can’t convince someone to love you.

If you’re brokenhearted, the thing that heals you is space and time from that person, and filling in the hole they left in your life with other, positive things. Seeking contact with the person who broke your heart is picking at the scab.”

—Vishvasher

2. Listen to how the other person speaks about their ex.

“Listen to how the other person speaks about their ex. If they’re purely nasty about them, then most of the time they will be the same to you. Adults respect decisions of others and if they’re still bitter about their ex then they’re probably not over them.”

—glitter-farts

3. Don’t overexert yourself to gain their approval.

“Don’t overexert yourself to gain their approval. Don’t do everything for them if they don’t do anything for you. Know your worth.”

—Abbystengfit

4. If they appear disinterested, it’s because they are.

“If, after a couple of dates, they appear disinterested in anything you have to say—it is because they are.”

—Cluckieduck

5. If someone wants to spend time with you, they will make time for you.

“If someone wants to spend time with you, they will make time for you.”

—throwaway606010203

6. Don’t think you can ‘save’ someone or make them better.

“Don’t think you can ‘save’ someone or make them better. Most of the time, you can’t.”

—Uhmanduh09

7. Learn to say no unapologetically.

“Learn to say no unapologetically.”

—phantom_panties

8. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.

“Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. It can be hard to leave someone just because you’ve become comfortable, but if they’re bringing you down all the time and you don’t enjoy spending time with them anymore and don’t want to be with them, then you’ll feel better when you leave them even though you’ll feel more alone. It’s worth waiting for the right person to date, so don’t settle.”

—Candelabelen

9. Don’t be afraid to be single.

“Don’t be afraid to be single. You have to learn to be happy with yourself before trying to find that person who makes you happy.”

—InThisHouse19

10. Trust your gut! When the warning bells go off, run!

“Trust your gut! When the warning bells go off, run! I don’t care how cute he is or how much money he has, when the signs point to crazy/possessive/abusive/alcoholic etc…get out. You don’t need to waste your valuable time waiting for him to change.”

—jester33455

11. If you’re hesitating about giving someone a second chance, don’t.

“If you’re hesitating about giving someone a second chance, don’t. ‘One more chance’ turns into an endless loop of justifying shit behavior to avoid a breakup that should’ve happened long ago.”

—IAM_REPTAR_AMA

12. If they don’t like who you are when you’re relaxed and natural, they aren’t a good fit.

“When dating, be yourself. If they don’t like who you are when you’re relaxed and natural, they aren’t a good fit. Don’t focus on being the ‘perfect girlfriend.’ My first relationship I tried to be the girlfriend I thought I was supposed to be. I tried so hard to avoid doing anything I heard guys complain their girlfriends did and just ended up being a doormat. I put up with things I never should have and never spoke up. Again, just be yourself and find someone who likes that person and makes you an even better person.”

—omnomnomscience

13. Speak up. If you want something, don’t just sit around and wait for it.

“Speak up. If you want something, don’t just sit around and wait for it. Go get it!”

—DontPanic42H2G2

14. Don’t stay with a sucky person just because you’re lonely.

“Never convince yourself that a sucky person doesn’t suck just because you want some affection and/or company.”

—Blackbird6

15. Don’t stay with someone if it isn’t working.

“Don’t stay with someone if it isn’t working…You are not obligated to continue a long-term relationship just because it’s been long-term. If shit needs to change and it can’t or won’t, call it.”

—Angsty_Potatos

16. Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential.

“This is what I came here to say. Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential. Don’t have a list of things in your head that ‘when they grow up and start to do these things THEN I can be happy.’ Go on what they’re like right now and cut short any fantasies or plans to encourage them to change.”

—ThatGIANTcottoncandy

17. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Pay attention to actions and patterns of behavior. He may insist that he loves you, that he cares about you, that he respects you. He may feel something very strongly for you, and he may truly believe what he’s saying. If the way he treats you isn’t loving, or if it’s careless or disrespectful, walk away.

Hold out for someone who consistently treats you well.”

—huevos_and_whiskey

18. If you can’t be weird together, it won’t work.

“In my experience I’ve found that if you can’t be weird together, or let the quirky things you do normally just happen, then it won’t work.

My ex would always give me odd looks or make fun of me when I did a little strange thing here and there (he also made fun of my voice so there’s that).

Overall, just not hiding who you are to please the other person.”

—cmet21

19. You’re not trying to be liked, you’re determining your compatibility.

“You’re not trying to be liked, you’re determining your compatibility. I wasted a lot of time being likable and accommodating and unhappy because I wasn’t being honest about myself and my needs. Once I changed that perspective, dating became a lot healthier for me.”

—sunnysidemegg

20. If he’s not treating you well when you’re first dating, it won’t get any better as time goes on.

“A bit past your age range, but here are my pearls of wisdom…

If he’s not treating you well when you’re first dating, know that it won’t get any better as time goes on…

Also ‘he just not that into you’ is a thing. If he wants to make you a priority in his life, he will. If he makes a million excuses why he can’t see you or make time for you, just move on. You will save yourself a lot of wasted time and heartache.

The person you date should make you a better version of you, not the opposite (i.e., he should bring out your best, not your worst).”

—lena christina

21. You aren’t obligated to be someone’s entertainment.

“This can probably be good advice to any gender in this age group that is shy like I am! It took me a long time to realize this myself but I finally got there!

You aren’t obligated to be someone’s entertainment (and vice versa.) If they aren’t trying to have fun, it isn’t your job to provide it. It’s okay to just relax, and awkward silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you can’t think of anything to say, that doesn’t necessarily mean you messed anything up. You don’t have to be ‘on’ all the time.

I used to beat myself up a lot because I had such a hard time talking to people I had crushes on. I’d be shy the whole date and then apologize afterwords via the internet for not being the same kind of ‘exciting’ as I was during text. Just because you didn’t think of enough jokes doesn’t mean you’re boring. Just because you didn’t share enough about yourself doesn’t mean you’re nobody.

First impressions are not the most important part of building a relationship. It’s okay if it takes a third or fourth impression to leave your unique mark.”

—PantomimeWitch

22. If you can’t be honest to your best friends and family about how he’s actually treating you, he’s not treating you right.

“If you can’t be honest to your best friends and family about how he’s actually treating you, he’s not treating you right.”

—thevelveteenrabid

23. Be an adult about your feelings, good or bad.

“Be an adult about your feelings, good or bad. Playing cute at this stage isn’t really being honest with yourself or the other person. Don’t gloss over things that make you mad or irritated or hurt because they build and turn something minor into a huge wall to get over.”

—lilfish222

24. If someone shows you that they don’t want you, just walk away.

“If someone shows you that they don’t want you, just walk away. Don’t cling, or freak out, or try to make them see how awesome you are; they don’t and they won’t. Keep your dignity and use that energy for something, or someone, else.”

—Crossbowsaint

25. Nobody is able to read your mind. You have to communicate.

“Nobody is able to read your mind. You have to communicate.

Your feelings are valid (most of the time) and you should feel free to talk to your SO/whomever you’re dating.

It is okay to protect yourself. If you encounter a toxic person, you are by no means required to keep them in your life.

DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE. This is important. You will change as you grow up but don’t change on the account of someone else.

Breakups will happen. They’re inevitable sometimes. Make sure you are emotionally and mentally sound enough to handle it if it happens.”

—linxsuslexus4315

26. Just because they are not as bad as other people you may have dated does not mean they actually good partners.

“There is a HUGE difference between ‘This person I’m dating now is better than the person/people before’ and ‘This person I’m dating now is actually good for me.’

Just because they are not as bad as other people you may have dated does not mean they actually good partners. This is also relevant for friends, I think.”

—cinna_minna

27. Recognize when love is love versus love is abuse.

“I had an emotionally abusive partner in my teens. And my advice for younger teen girls out there is to recognize when love is love vs love is abuse. My partner forbade me from seeing friends and family on weekends as that was ‘date days,’ would call into all hours of the night if we were fighting because ‘he cared,’ would ban me from certain clothes that were too provocative because ‘I didn’t need to show off,’ had to be in the same mall I was if I was hanging out with a lone male friend because he was ‘protecting me,’ and tore me away from my friends with his behavior because ‘it was us against the world’ and then eventually, assaulted me because ‘I thought you’d like it like that.’

Don’t get sucked in like I was, because I was incredibly shy and afraid to speak up. Be strong.”

—cheap_peep

28. Don’t just settle.

“Sometimes you date good people that you just don’t have chemistry with. Nobody has to be the good guy or bad guy. You deserve someone you get fireworks with. Don’t just settle. Don’t be afraid to hurt somebody’s feelings. It’ll suck, but staying with the wrong person will suck more. You don’t want to have the right person come into your life when you’re stuck in a meh relationship.”

—giniajoe

29. Learn to be OK with being single.

“Learn to be OK with being single. Seems like lots of people bounce from one relationship to the next and don’t even learn to love and appreciate themselves.”

—hpabedi

30. Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option.

“Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option. If he cheats on you, leave them. They may promise up and down it was a mistake, more often than not it is some indication of their quality as a person, and how much they respect you.”

—wavinsnail

31. Don’t compare your timeline to anyone else’s.

“Don’t compare your timeline to anyone else’s. Don’t feel like you’re missing out on something because all of your friends are getting married or having babies before you. Also you are so much younger than you think you are.”

—Cotton25

32. Don’t move too fast.

“Don’t move too fast. Experience your relationship and allow time to show you who your chosen one really is. About 90% of my friends who married before one year of knowing someone are divorced now; just food for thought.”

—wandersomemnts

33. Don’t let anyone convince you that your relationship needs to come before yourself.

“Don’t let anyone convince you that your relationship needs to come before yourself, school, work, your mental health, your future, your other relationships, etc. It’s so important to find balance between relationships and other parts of your life!

Also, I know when you’re all head over heels for someone, it’s easy to want to spend all your time with them and accidentally block out other people. Don’t isolate yourself in a bubble of codependency. Set time aside away from your partner to spend time with friends, even if they’re mutual friends. Maintaining friendships outside of a partnership is key for 2 reasons. 1) Do you really wanna be that couple that can’t function without each other in a social setting? No. You don’t. 2) If things go south and you end up separated, it’s important to have a support group!

That’s my bit anyways. Good luck c:”

—SunflowerSpot

34. If you think something is off about him, you’re probably right.

“Listen to your gut feeling. If you think something is off about him, you’re probably right. Don’t lower your standards to prove you’re ‘not like all those bitches who think they’re better than me’ to a nice guy because you’ll regret it! And lastly…sex and love are different. Just because someone keeps coming back to you doesn’t mean he loves you, he loves he fact you where always there and an easy lay for him.”

—NurseSophie89

35. You don’t need a reason to leave someone.

“You don’t need to have a reason to break up with someone other than not wanting to date them anymore. You don’t need to wait until they do something wrong, yell at you, or anything else. If you want to break up—just do it.

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mychocolateroses · 6 years ago

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The road to self-love

There are two relationships that will significantly affect you in your lifetime.

The ones with your lovers,

And the one with yourself.

A relationship with a lover will be extremely challenging to maintain and take care of if you do not have a solid relationship with yourself.

It’s one thing to know you deserve to be happy, and it’s another thing to allow yourself to be.

(If you don’t care to hear my personal experience then you can skip to after the italics)

Even when I was emotionally attached in a toxic relationship, I still knew that I deserved better. But I didn’t love myself enough to do what it took to get there. I needed to detach myself. Feel the pain for a little while until my mind was clear enough and I could start evolving as an individual again. I could’ve argued and named multiple other reasons why I couldn’t leave but it always boiled down to two things. Comfort. Attachment. I’m going to tell you one thing that I know for a fact. If I truly loved and valued myself I would have not remained in a toxic relationship. I would’ve left my relationship much sooner, and in much healthier circumstances. I also probably would’ve been less of a b****. My relationship got the best of me. And I’m sure we’ve all been here or been through similar situations. Some people are living this right now. But we all find our way out. Unfortunately for me it was self destruction that got me away from the toxic relationship I was in. All of the times I’d been let down and then forgave anyway. All the times I felt like nothing I did was appreciated or reciprocated and I stayed anyway. It’s all the times I chose “us” instead of what was right. Allowing someone to suck the life out of me was exactly what I did. Trying to “fix” someone by attempting to fill their empty spaces with all of the things I needed from them. All of what was me. I gave my all to someone who was empty because they hadn’t learned how to love themselves either, and I ended up feeling like I had nothing left BUT THEM. But they couldn’t do anything for me. What I didn’t know then is the most important investments are first within ourselves. I should’ve chosen me but no one ever taught me this. I learned the hard way. When we are not mentally healthy and put more effort into a lover than we do ourselves, we are only making things worse. The more we feed excuses to a toxic situation, the more toxic it becomes. So like I said earlier, it wasn’t before I self destructed, that my relationship came to an end. It wasn’t before self-destruction that I started to learn my worth, how to have a solid relationship with myself, and how to rebuild the person I had lost. I wish we wouldn’t do this to ourselves.

{For those of you who are single, who have already overcome a toxic relationship, who never want history to repeat itself, those who can’t remember the last time they were in love or maybe you’ve never even been in love. The ones who get wrapped up in dating the wrong people, or the ones who just don’t date at all and feel held back, you need to take the first step of choosing to INVEST IN YOURSELF. Stop worrying about when you’re going to find love. Stop worrying about what keeps going wrong. Change that focus onto yourself. This process may begin at a different level for you than it will for someone else. Meaning some of the things I’m about to talk about may be things you’ve already accomplished. Begin to invest where you need to. You know you the best.}

{For those of you who are in the predicament I was in or are overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe feel like you do not have the will power to leave your relationship or don’t have the right support system or guidance to do so. Even for those of you who try to avoid the reality that your relationship is toxic and that you are not happy by pretending you are happy. Masking the cons of your relationship for social media by putting the tiny amount of pros on a public pedestal. ANYONE who knows they are settling, y o u d e s e r v e better. You deserve everything you’re missing. And so do the ones around you. You could have everything if you just took the first step to loving yourself. Not the first step to breaking up with your significant other, not the first step to losing the love of your life, not the first step to getting rid of someone, not the first step to breaking up a family, not the first step to your world crumbling down. THE FIRST STEP to loving yourself. The first step to being genuinely happy.}

The first step is just investing. Change your focus and invest in yourself. Invest in finding happiness. I can almost guarantee doing this will naturally pull you towards what’s meant for you and pull you away from what’s not meant for you. One step in a positive direction is all it takes and the rest will fall into place. Take the pressure off your relationship. No this isn’t easy. No one said it was.

Ways to build a healthy/solid relationship with yourself:

1. *Be content with being alone.* You have to be happy by yourself. If you constantly feel like you are alone, thats your mind telling you that you need yourself more than ever. Get to a point where you’re not thinking “I’m so lonely”, “I’m so bored”, “I wish I had a friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend to hangout with”. If you are not content with being alone and being in your own company without complaints, you will struggle in a relationship. Learn to love your own company. Learn to not even realize you’re by yourself. The trick is to STAY BUSY!!

2. *Focus on what brings income and what you love to do and do your best!* Working is something we’re doing probably 50-80% of the time maybe less, maybe more. If you are half-assing your work, you’re really only half-assing yourself. We need to be productive and self-sufficient. The goal should be to accelerate, learn more, or at least give your best efforts. Doing these things will increase your mood dramatically and open one door after another. But just remember; Don’t overwork yourself. We all need balance and we all need a break physically and mentally.

3. *Make the most of your spare time.* If you’re depressed, mopey, lazy, etc. recognize this right away and get up and do something to change your mood! Try not to linger in negative energy. Go do your dishes. Clean your home. Put your favorite song on. Light a f*cking candle. Clean your car/truck/SUV. Fold the clothes that have been sitting in your dryer or clean basket for days. Stand up and give your mind a rest. This is something I always do and I’m telling you it’s a life changer.

4. *Be aware of your feelings.* Even though it’s important to not linger in negative energy, sometimes we find ourselves doing so. And most of the time it’s good that we just dust off our shoulders and move on. But sometimes negative energy needs to be addressed in order to get rid of it. You have to be aware of your moods & what you’re feeling. Be in the moment. For example, my mom taught me something that I’ll never forget. Anytime you get mad about something someone else is doing... really stop and ask yourself why is it bothering you? Is it because this is something you’re insecure about? Are you being triggered bc something deep down? ... this made me view things a lot differently. And if I had no idea why I was mad I would just ask myself is it helping me to be mad about it? When we get defensive, a lot of the times it’s because it triggers an insecurity. My mother taught me to recognize this. But one thing I figured out on my own later down the line is there’s also things that cause extreme excitement and it’s just as important to be aware of this as well. When something makes us happy, SOAK in the moment. Take a step back and appreciate everything good that’s before your eyes or that’s happening to you. Appreciate what you have. Remember the things that bring you this feeling and go there as much as you can. Appreciate the people around you who make you feel good too. Be aware of your feelings and understand them. And be aware of how your surroundings make you feel. This will be so crucial in the process of manifesting the life you want.

5. *Communicate your issues and concerns.* For example: If someone you care about is making you feel some type of way, confront them about it. (If it’s worth it, right?) This doesn’t mean be rude or disrespectful, it means in order to resolve problems you first have to address them... so you can FIX them. Why would you want to keep tension? Why would you stress yourself out by reserving bad feelings? Friendships will fail if you bottle up everything inside and try to ignore what makes you feel a way. Doesn’t matter what it is. Another example: If your friend was super quiet and seemed upset, wouldn’t you do your best to see what’s wrong and help them? Wouldn’t you want to come up with a solution and see them happy again? So why wouldn’t you do the same for yourself? Why would you want to stay upset over something? If you can not communicate with yourself or others, how can you have a successful relationship?

6. *Stop entertaining your insecurities.* Everyone has insecurities. Insecurities come from many different things... the way we were raised, the environment we were around as a child and throughout our life or from toxic relationships, etc. I think insecurities are built-in. And on top of it society has played a role in magnifying our insecurities. Insecurities mimic behavior. Some insecurities crave attention, some insecurities are clingy, some are mean to others or disrespectful, some are even overly nice. Some insecurities are flirty, some are quiet. The list goes on and on. To make this short and sweet; if your behavior or mentality is causing an imbalance in your life: resentment, sadness, anything that isn’t helping you grow as a person most likely it’s an insecurity trying to take the spot light. If you understand why these insecurities are there, you can figure out how to get rid of them. And insecurities are much more obvious than you’d think. Especially to others.

7. And that leads to my last step of advice: *Accept yourself for who you truly are.* As soon as we begin to be our authentic selves, the better we become. Don’t compare yourself to others. Accept your flaws, your mannerisms, your humor, your personality, your body.. we should work to love ourselves physically just like we should love ourselves internally. If we cannot love ourselves for who we are, we cannot love someone else properly.

***NOTE: It may be a difficult/timely process to really face yourself and build (or finish building) a solid relationship with yourself but its much more a rewarding one. And even when we begin to master these steps, we will still remain flawed and there will still be moments where we feel like we fall short. But all we need is a reminder that loving ourselves is a life long investment but once we have built a relationship with ourselves, we have all we need to get back up and keep going.

Written by: Breonna Granto

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xrinkingsunshine · 6 years ago

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So, I’m too lame to make a real blog page and I also don’t want that many people to know about my life lmao. So I’m gonna vomit some quick ol words on to this here tumblr.

I’ve struggled with social media pretty much since people cared about it. I’ve gone on a instagram/twitter/snapchat cleanse for around 2 weeks now. it feels great in some ways and not so great in others. I love not comparing myself to others or just wasting my time even caring about irrelevant peoples lives. but i also find myseld anxious about not knowing what people are doing. are my friends hanging out without me? is my boyfriend posting embarassing snapchats of me and i cant even tell him to take it down bc i dont even know if its there? its all very odd. I wish social media didn’t even exist.

I think a reason why i loved instagram so much was because I love taking photos and I love clothes. A way I have dealt with not wanting to post is selling all of my clothes (LMFAO) which might sound bad and like im throwing away my life lol but im also trying to become a minimalist. My goal is to own only the essentials. I find myself getting overwhelmed that i don’t have all this stuff that other people have. and thats all it is is STUFF. Sooo im selling it all.

Another thing I’m doing instead of social media is reading and playing video games. reading is a much healthier form of entertainment than comparison. especially when ive been focusing on self love books. thats my main goal really, self love. video games is just something to keep myself busy instead of reaching for things that won’t benefit me (i.e. social media, food, etc)

ahh, food. i said it. the word i dread so much. food. I’m working on having a healthy relationship with that lil SOB. i eat when im bored when im lonely when im angry and it is BAD. because im also the person that feels guilty from eating and then i hate myself a little. but im also the person that if i dont eat i will continue to not eat. balance, thats what i need to work on when it comes to food.

the point of this I guess is that im taking time to work on myself. I just want to love myself the way i used to and the way I deserve to.

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psychomoxxie · 4 years ago

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Lust, Laughter, and the Land of Oz

Remember what things were like before COVID? Yeah? No? Because I do, just barrely. Here’s something i wrote just before it hit, in February, just three months before i got sick -- i was feeling pretty good mentally, too. Hadn’t had to take my anti-psychotic in about 4 months, and was still happily in my I’m-single-for-almost-four-years-and-don’t-want-to-change-it mode.

I know i’ve been bitching pretty incessantly for the past few posts about this ”relationship” that ended recently, but the fact is, things never got the chance to get physical (COVID, hello) so i suppose technically, i never broke that 4-year streak. ANYWAY. Here’s where my head was concerning sex, love, and all that nonsense before the shit hit the fan. Since we can’t backdate things on here, i’m just copying it from my Wordpress blog and throwing it up here with a long-winded explanation before i move on to other subjects, and close the book on All Things Romantic for awhile. I just wanted to post this to remind myself where i was coming from before things took a wrong turn, now that i’m feeling better;

Which is that sex is perfectly good and fine and healthy, but i suck at the whole relationship thing, and i need to remember that before getting involved with anyone (particularly since my ASPD -- not so much my SZA -- crap tends to impede my judgement in that regard, let’s be honest. I am often attracted to unhealthy types, and that’s not good for me, as i’m working hard on getting better, not feeding the Beast).

What this shows me -- and reminds me of, is that i’ve been attracted to happier, healthier types lately. And that’s really a good thing. While things may have ended on an unpleasant note with this last one, and he definitely wasn’t the healthiest guy in the world, he was FAR from abusive and horrible. He was just immature and flighty and a host of other things, but not the usual fare i tend to go for (i.e., somewhere in the neighborhood of my diagnosis, but the evil, ultra-narcissistic, super fucked-up, unmedicated/untreated version; either that, or just a completely useless, quasi-depressed child with substance abuse issues. Take your pick. Now that i think of it, He might have fit into that 2nd category...).

So, with no further ado...

Feb 5, 2020 -

Sexual ambivalence when you’re single is such a useless, silly, obsessive state. Once you’re there, it’s so impossibly difficult to get out. Like when you’re a kid, at the bottom of the slide, trying to climb up to the top when you’re wearing only socks and have a case of the giggles. You’re just going to keep sliding back down again. And the thing of it is, you really don’t mind…except for the fact that you never get a really good slide in, because you never quite make it all the way to the top.

Are my metaphors getting too convoluted?

Bear with me, here…

It’s been nearly four years, with the exception of one ill-advised and poorly executed fumble into one-night stand territory two summers ago, since I’ve had sex; and I almost don’t count that time, since I was inebriated, didn’t come, and the guy was so tedious and odd in his behavior – what with his bemoaning the “perfect” ex-girlfriend one minute while we’re in bed, then telling me he can’t believe someone as beautiful as me would sleep with him the next (not to mention the consequent bizarre stalker-like behavior that continues to this day) that I almost feel like I can erase it from the board because the universal system of checks and balances surely indicates that I get to start from scratch when it comes to that one. Right?

Anyway, the point is it’s been a long time. Previous to that, I was in an abusive relationship, and the last time he fucked me, it was so angry that I felt like he was trying to exact some kind of bizarre, bad porno film-esque revenge on me, so that barely counts in my book either. So I’d say I’m about due for a toe-curling orgasm, or a hundred. Like, on a regular basis, from whomever the fuck I please, whenever I want, for the rest of the year. Or, month? How many orgasms are a reasonable amount to expect in a month’s time? I’ll be damned if I know – it’s been far too long since I’ve had that sort of sex life. Which is stupid, since that used to be my modus operandi.

I’ve always known how bad I am at relationships. I’ve been broken in that regard from the word Go. There are any number of reasons I’ve stayed single for the past three and a half years – and indeed, plan on staying that way. I could go into detail, which I have in previous posts, but the heart of the matter is a woeful lack of judgment and boundaries on my part. My taste in men is so bad, it’s actually notorious amongst my circle of friends. When I haven’t seen someone in awhile, a common question is;

“So, you’re not…dating anybody…are you?”, accompanied by a worried expression.

I truly am that bad at choosing men to be in relationships with. The more violent the nature, the more obsessive, and the longer the prison term the better has been my motto (and yes, there have been one or two exceptions. But literally, just…one or two). And so, I prefer to keep a safe distance from the whole mess. Over the years, in fact, I’ve come to realize that I’m much better off when I’m single. This has always been the case, all the way back when I was in my twenties, and ostensibly not yet jaded.

I’m OK with this. Because I’m not the type that needs to be in a relationship to be “complete”. I don’t get lonely, in that sense. I have friends. I might have done occasionally when I was younger, and made more wholeheartedly pathetic attempts at being in “real, grown up relationships” that would last, but anyone who’s known me for long knows I’ve always been happier single.

Sex was never really a problem – I got that whole thing sorted out early on. After some childhood trauma and a teenage rape, I set out to fix myself of the abject terror, pain, disassociation, and ultimate inability to feel a thing. I did that with a series of handpicked lovers (several of them one night stands). Sort of an immersion therapy deal. I figured out how to ask for what I needed, and how to get out quick if it was obvious the guy wasn’t interested in getting me off (or turned out to be dangerous). And now I love sex. Which has the unfortunate effect of making some men think you love them. I’m not sure how that works, but there it is. And fuck, is it annoying. The way some people confuse lust and love has always been astounding to me. I tried explaining this problem to some hippies I knew years ago, and they looked at me like I was some kind of evil succubus. I guess that whole peace and love thing didn’t allow for the finer points of fucking…

Anyway, I spent so much time figuring out how to be good at sex, but I hadn’t the first clue about being good at relating to men in the context of a relationship. How to draw boundaries. How to stay safe emotionally, and even physically. And time and again, it’s been disastrous.

But, as for male friends, I couldn’t ask for a better bunch of guys. I picked a group of really stand-up men. And with the exception of a couple whom I’d fuck on occasion, on and off over the years (because they didn’t ask anything more of me, or get things twisted), they weren’t guys I was crossing that line with (well, except for the one time I did, and that just ended up as you’d expect – disastrously. And that was my fault, because I was grieving my son, and was a huge mess). My guy friends are all intelligent, fun, cool, creative people who genuinely care about me. They call me on my bullshit, and regularly tell me how intelligent, talented, and beautiful I am, when I feel anything but.

So…why do I make such terrible choices when it comes to romantic relationships? Well, if I knew that, we wouldn’t be here now would we? Actually, I do have a pretty good idea why – and of course it’s all down to being brought up in a house full of mental illness, abuse, and the resulting lack of boundaries and high tolerance for chaos/ideas of what’s “normal” that skew my perceptions in the relationships department. And that’s a Hell of a lot harder to fix than sex.

So, I stick to sex.

Or, at least I did. But, things have been off for a few years now. Even before the abusive relationship 3 1/2 years ago, it’s been like I’ve been dead inside since all of the death and loss I’ve endured, really. Ever since then, I really just haven’t had the life force it takes to have a healthy libido. Which sucks. Losing such a huge part of who you are because you’ve lost people you love is like walking around with a huge hole in the center of your chest. And it’s a long, slow climb back to being a whole person again.

Then the real surprise is finding out that, after you’ve worked through all that grief, you aren’t at all the same person you used to be.

Fast forward to two weekends ago.

So there I am, sitting at a local haunt, listening to my girlfriend M tell me that the bartender is flirting with me (for the 47 millionth time) and aren’t I going to do anything about it?

M is my opposite in so many ways – the brunette with the wild sex life and raging libido, the Lonely Hearts Club girl just looking for love, to my misanthropic, stoic, cold, Blonde lce Queen that I’ve become. We make a great pair. She’s always got some guy waiting in the wings, whilst I’m forever fending off her offers to hook me up with “this great guy she knows”.

I tell her she needs to be less dependent on men for her sense of self worth; that there is joy in being alone and getting to know oneself. And she tells me I need to stop being so damn untrusting – that I need to let a little bit of fun and risk into my life, that I’m too young to be so frigid. We’re both right, of course.

For months, she has been the voice of my deadened, dormant sex drive – like the insistent little breath of spring to my boring, snow-bound, sexless, Persephone alter-ego — stuck underground with my shitty husband Hades (that’s how I anthropomorphise my sex drive for the past few years), who just wants to hang out with the souls of the Dead, watch football and drink mead.

But, this time, for some reason, I listen. This time…instead of rolling my eyes at her and commenting that he’s too young, or too skinny, or too shaggy, or too cheerful, or whatever, I instead notice he’s actually pretty cute, and that he’s looking at me with what can only be described as unmistakable desire as he approaches me with liquid brown eyes and a drink, and sets it down in front of me. Then he knocks M’s glass, spilling some of her water onto the bar, then immediately cracks the snappiest joke, which makes me laugh so hard I actually snort. Then he turns to me and asks if there’s anything else I want.

And it’s then I realize – my entire body has that tingly feeling I used to get as a kid from when people would play with my long hair, when he looked at me just now; I am like a cat, internally all langorous, and purring…

And I think, Yes, yes there it is. I want him.

And it may not ever happen – because I can’t think that definitively yet. But, yes. I want. Maybe it will happen with him, or maybe with someone else. The possibilities are…pretty much wide open. The point is, I actually, really, truly feel Lust for someone for the first time in years.

Over the summer, I wrote about that jerk I knew from my old bartending gig who walked me home, then grabbed me and kissed me – I wrote how it was actually a pretty great kiss, but there was no liquid melting of my insides, and I was drunk (actually not how I usually go about these things), he wanted me to invite him in but I was like fuck no…and then the next time I saw him he was a little shit to me because I wouldn’t fuck him that night. Well, that all flashed in front of my eyes for a moment as I sat there with this cute, scruffy guy staring at me with his big, doe eyes and then I remembered;

“Yeah, but you didn’t want to fuck that guy in the slightest…so your instincts were spot on”.

And suddenly it’s like that moment when Dorothy steps out of her house in Oz, and everything is in Technicolor after a lifetime of boring Sepia. I notice the curl of hair falling into his eyes as he watches my fingers wrap around the glass. I notice how his breath hitches a bit as I lean towards him and bring the scotch to my lips. I notice that I feel every muscle in my stomach and thighs when I shift my weight on the chair, and the slight burn of the liquid as it moves down my throat. Little things. Mostly I feel that sensual self awareness that comes from knowing someone’s eyes are on me – eyes that I actually want to be watching me.

“I’ll let you know,” I tell him.

“I’ll be right here,” he says, a kind of goofy lilt to his voice.

Which is perfect, because I don’t want this to feel like a big, serious moment; this reawakening of my finally, finally feeling sexy again after so long. It should be a little silly, a little lighthearted! In fact, that’s part of what does it for me. The few, rare times I viscerally connect with someone, it’s because they’ve made me laugh first. And I realize that’s why I’m attracted to this guy…because he did something completely goofy yet sharply funny (a woefully rare combo) earlier and made me laugh – like, really laugh, from down in my belly. Had, in fact, done so several times throughout the evening. He has, actually, this kind of upbeat, silly but witty, whipsmart vibe about him that just positively reeks of happiness. It is utterly charming, and so, so very sexy. And a far cry from the usual, darkly depressive brooding but witty types I usually go for.

And that told me something even more important – that I’ve finally come back enough from the dark where I can appreciate a person like that, who emits so much joy, can exude such a sense of life, and who can make me really, really laugh. Laugh without irony.

From there, all the rest follows. And maybe, there’s hope for me yet.

#aspd #crazy love #covid crazy #brain cooties #take your meds

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silence-ion-om · 7 years ago

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Weight Just a Minute: Thoughts on Family, Food and Addiction

After a whirlwind weekend visiting with family, I send a quick email to my grandfather, thanking him for the visit & Christmas gift he sent. He responded today with a general statement to “keep my chin up as better days are coming,” followed by (yet another) comment about my aunt’s recent weight loss and how I need to start exercising more and lose weight.

I have no idea how to respond to his message. I have always been in awe and honestly, a little afraid of my grandfather. He is a learned man, an engineer who has traveled the world and experienced many losses. I do not think he knows quite what to do with his firstborn, right brain dominant, bleeding heart liberal, queer, therapist granddaughter, but I have no doubt that he loves me. And I am really proud of my aunt and I support the steps she is taking to better her health. But I wish my grandfather could understand that her journey is not mine.

My journey starts like this: Growing up, my father owned a vending machine business and I was named his “official product testor.” (I had an airbrushed uniform shirt with my name and incorrectly spelled title and everything). I had unfettered access to all the Twinkies, Snickers and Cheetos a kid could ask for. I was an academic, not an athletic kid, which meant a lot of indoor, sedentary activities. I fell easily into the habit of mindless eating when I was bored or tired or lonely or upset. To their credit, my parents did an excellent job of instilling body positivity and a strong sense of self-esteem. The world is harsh to a chunky nine year old girl with short butch hair, but I grew resilient-- in large part because of the efforts my beautiful, imperfect parents.

My father was an artist who romanticized the Rubenesque female form; full-figured naked ladies adorned almost every corner of our home in various mediums of oil pastel, charcoal, mosaic tile, wood, and clay. (This was only slightly embarrassing when friends were over, since I didn’t really know any better.) My mother was often the subjects of these works of art, much to her chagrin. I now realize she was constantly managing her own insecurities about her weight in order to avoid projecting them onto me. We had plenty of tense and tearful dressing room moments, but she did her best to model confidence. She also raised me to be a foodie and taught me love of good cooking, traits I continue to appreciate to this day.

Because weight is something my mother struggled with most of her life, I can’t help but see parallels in how my grandfather discussed both her weight and mine. The thing is, I know his comments are ultimately well-meaning. I also know that I could spend the rest of my life seeking his approval, just like my mother did. Yet this is the most elusive goal because it is ultimately unattainable. No amount of external validation can fill a void created from lack of self-acceptance.

This is not to say that I don’t want to improve or be healthier, because I do. But being an alcoholic, I have difficulty with doing anything in moderation, including healthy things. I was probably in the best shape of my life in 2013, which coincides with my last attempt at sobriety. I was finishing grad school and quit my job in order to complete the hours for my graduate internship from hell. I was either interning and at the gym as much as possible to avoid my mother’s erratic behaviors while drunk. I was drinking a lot of smoothies and not eating solid meals consistently. In between workouts, interning and studying, I started sleeping with my personal trainer--and the rest is blurry history.

Sure, I was skinnier but I also felt small and uncomfortable in my body and out of control. I was checking every other -ism off the list without even realizing it. And that, friends, was cross-addiction at its finest. I must remember that I have a strong propensity for this. A part of me avoids serious contemplation of an exercise routine because I worry it will snowball into another manic mess like last time. And I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am now mentally, emotionally and spiritually that I don’t want to mess with the physical and potentially fuck everything up again. Even writing that statement feels contradictory and yet still partially, distortedly true. But I am writing about this now precisely because I am tired of maintaining the shame spiral that has hijacked my life by remaining silent.

The past three years have probably been the most difficult I have ever experienced. They have also been tremendous catalysts for growth and change, twin aspects in the process of living. When my mom died, I was miserable and shell-shocked and I wanted to put as many layers between myself and my emotions as physically possible. My fat functioned as insulation and armour. Then my father’s slowly developing dementia worsened, and driven by the intense fear of losing my last remaining parent, I took over caring for him. I felt a new kind of vulnerability, a self-imposed isolation that grew in direct proportion to the weight I was gaining. I took care of myself half-heartedly, often relying on my then-fiance to take care of the rest of me that was left. I have learned that this, combined with other factors, puts irrevocable stress on a relationship. So naturally, the typical post breakup binge montage behavior ensued. And that brings us to today.

If there is anything I have learned from all of this, it is that true and lasting change comes from within. I am still recovering from so many things, being patient and compassionate with myself is a necessary part of the maintenance. Understanding and humor go a long way too. So with that, I will keep my (double) chin up, continue telling my stories and writing my way towards meaning.

#body positive #fat #family #addiction #foodies

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thehappymessproject · 7 years ago

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Don’t react, respond : 5 feelings that you shouldn’t take literally

Here is my top 5 of beliefs that trap us into making choices that we regret later (when we have enough awareness to realise it was not the best choice) and their usual healthier and more useful antidote.

Listening to oneself is also about knowing you can’t take yourself too seriously or too literally. Most feelings aren’t literal.

Those usually happen when we feel vulnerable. Often, it’s the strongest when we get to be by ourselves, with nothing to do.

The more urgent they feel, the more likely they are designed to avoid feeling something very important and deep about our life.

But the thing is, if we follow them we keep making the same mistakes over and over, and we keep ending up in that place of powerlessness where we feel like we can’t change our situation, we don’t have any control over it. Because we take them too literally and seriously. Those vicious cycles don’t have to be sustained IF different choices and actions are made.

I ponder what I say with adverbs like “usually” or “generally”, but if I’m honest, not ONCE in my career or in my personal life those thoughts were to be taken literally. It’s hard to know what first which feelings should be taken literally and which shouldn’t, well, those shouldn’t if being happy is part of your life plan.

“I feel lonely, I need to see more people” This usually means “I am so afraid to face myself that I can’t bear to be by myself on extended lengths of time”. If you have seen people in the last few days, it’s not just about loneliness. It might be that you need new friends, maybe you did a lot of growing recently and outgrew them (that’s part of personal development to reorganise your relationships). But more often it’s about your relationship with yourself. The people we seek (or worse, meet) when we feel lonely are also rarely the ones that are doing the best to actually interact with. Try instead to learn how to slowly be with yourself, take better care of yourself and fill your solo times with activities so great that you get to crave time by yourself, everyday, extensively. You should want to see people, not need them to interact with them in a fulfilling way. Connect with yourself first before wanting to connect with others (see below).

“I feel bored, I need to keep busy” God, the insufferable societal glorification of business that make us value over-busy and exhaustion... If you get bored any time you don’t have anything to distract yourself, great chances are, you are not bored with the moment, you are bored with your life in general, often with oneself. You don’t need distraction, you need to make and commit to new profound choices. Try instead first to learn to calm down in those moments, breathe deeply. Write a little about what on your mind. Go for a meditative walk : wander without purpose and let yourself think. Meditate. Do some yoga. Connect with yourself.

“It’s too hard, I can’t do it, I need to give up” Things aren’t too hard because we can’t do them but because we haven’t learnt how to. There is a way of learning everything, as long as you don’t some sort of physical or neurological disability that makes something impossible. What that fear means is “I am scared to not be able to do it that I would rather not even try”, that’s your inner critic, the mean and pessimistic perfectionist living inside of everyone of us. Try instead to go slowly. Divide what you need to do in the smallest steps possible, and focus on each step. One by one. What is the smallest step you can do right now?

“It’s not the right time, I need to do it later, when the context will be more suited” This is always said about important things, and it’s never about timing, unless there are some previous steps to be taken. But even then, you can always start now. This is about differing our dreams and hopes and using something, someone or your environment as an excuse to postpone it. This generally means “I don’t deserve yet to try to actually be happy”, or some variation “I need to fix myself before I live my “real” life”. This is your real life. Stop differing it for any reason. Try instead the same method described earlier. Divide your big goals into small steps, and focus and commit on doing those tiny steps, one everyday. We are talking 5-10mn steps here, that small if something is terrifying. The idea is to DO. Once you are in motion, it gets easier. Do it, do some now.

“They abandoned me, they should have been there for me, that’s why I feel so bad, they need to make it up to me or I need to feel differently about it” (whoever is/are they) Even if it is true and someone actually completely let you down (if so, feel free to communicate your hurt), if when someone abandons you, your whole life collapses, it is a cry for help from yourself, saying “I can’t get disappointed without losing everything and who I am”. You abandoned yourself first, then count too heavily on the outside to get you when you let yourself fall and now you finally allow yourself to feel the gut-eviscerating pain only ourselves letting us down makes us feel. You can’t put your happiness into the hands of anyone else but you. Don’t blame it on someone else and lose the opportunity to finally give yourself some love and compassion. If you are that upset at that person, you finally recognise how painful it is. THAT’s what you need to feel. Stay with your pain, don’t flee it or it will come back, harder and stronger, until you do acknowledge it. Each time we finally take care of ourselves more gently, we realise that we are responsible for our own happiness, but that doesn’t have to be scary if you trust yourself to be able to do it in a meaningful way. Try instead to slow down, connect with yourself and first do nothing but feel your pain. Say it, write it, paint it, draw it, let everything out there. Then ask yourself “what do I need to do differently to make sure I don’t have to count on anyone to be happy?” and start from there (see methods described earlier for each of the previous beliefs).

Yes it will hurt. Living is painful sometimes. Avoiding living is worse, it is a slow death of the soul.

What’s the point of not experiencing any pain if you feel dead inside?

You can choose the brave way each time you feel the weakest. Brave is harder to do now, but will make you stronger EACH time you do face your vulnerability instead of avoiding it.

Do yourself a favour and practice your own kind of bravery, allow yourself to live and be happy, even if it is scary and painful sometimes <3

#discouraging #lack of confidence #trust #self love #self care #depression #anxiety #addiction #eating disorder #recovery #reframing #emotional badassery #the happy mess project

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