#my particular brand of childhood trauma

[stratumgermanitivum]

WormmonABC

I've honestly wanted to tell this story for years, and for some reason I never did, but today seemed as good a day as any. It's very likely no one will care, and this post will sink into the abyss of tumblr. There's even less chance the one who should see it ever will. But it lives inside of me, waiting to be spoken.

About twenty years ago, when I was too young to legally (or emotionally) be on roleplaying message boards, I was on roleplaying message boards. I started out lying about my age on Neopets, and soon moved on to lying about my age on Proboards and the like, infesting fandoms like Sonic and Teen Titans with my particular neurodivergent brand of elementary school social skills.

This particular story took place in the Danny Phantom fandom. I logged on every single day after school to plop my not-even-tweenage butt into as many channels as I could, throwing my super special Mary-Sue into every thread, solving plot points in a single sentence like the awesome story-telling fifth/sixth grader I was. Everyone loved me.

(Narrator: They did not, in fact, love them).

One day I logged on to a message from another user. It's been decades and I no longer remember her name. It may have involved Phoenixes, but that could also have been any number of members I harassed befriended in my youth. For convenience, we will call her P.

P was the leader for one of the threads I had invaded. The other members had reached out to her in desperation. They were sick of my magic Mary-Sue, of my godmoding (I had not yet grasped the concept that roleplaying was not like writing stories, and not all the characters were mine to play with), of my inability to allow a plot to develop because I solved all problems immediately, and especially of my tendency to message them that the online users list had held their name for fifteen minutes now, why had they not yet replied to the RP thread?

P was, as gently and kindly as she could, informing me that I was no longer allowed to participate in the RP thread. The other users had had enough. I made everyone uncomfortable and unhappy, and I was no longer welcome.

I handled this with all the maturity an elementary school child could, by which I of course mean I argued with her furiously.

P said, "I want to tell you a story."

She told me the story of WormmonABC, a younger fan just like me, who had been so excited to find message boards, and who had shared all of my fun habits. For some reason, P's username escapes me, but I have never, ever forgotten WormmonABC.

WormmonABC, P said, had also one day been told she was no longer welcome. WormmonABC had also been devastated, had also fought and begged, and had also been denied. And then WormmonABC had grown up and become P, and she was so grateful to have had her nonsense stopped so she could learn from her mistakes, and one day I would be so grateful too, and she knew I'd be better and find a place in fandom where I was happy and so were the people who knew me.

I handled this exactly as well. I was a friendless neurodivergent child stuck in a horrible homelife, and these message boards were the only place I felt good, and I was terrified of losing them. I told her I would NOT be grateful. I told her she was a bully. I outed my age for the first time ever and told her she had made a child cry, and didn't she feel bad about that? I begged again to be allowed back.

P remained, patient, kind, and unyielding. I was not allowed back. I was wished luck. And then she stopped responding to me.

It's been twenty years, and I still think about P. It's been twenty years, and I wish I could tell her:

Thank you. And you were right. I started improving soon after that (although I did have a brief stint of 'making my own roleplaying board, with blackjack and hookers' first). I no longer made those same mistakes. I grew up. And I am so, so grateful, and I wish I could tell you face to face.

P will never see this. I get a fair bit of interaction on other sites, but tumblr is not my domain. This post will get one or two likes, and then fade into obscurity. But I had to say it. I had to get it out.

So if you were once a little girl called WormmonABC, if twenty years ago you were a member of a Danny Phantom roleplaying message board, and if you had to kindly but firmly tell a young, ungrateful child to fuck off (My username is lost to the depths of trauma-gapped childhood memory, but I may have been going by Kitkat at the time): That child grew up. They remember you. And they are sorry, and grateful, and you changed their life for the better.

[the-music-maniac]

Not that I read mpreg all that often (not really my thing generally speaking) but I came across some "Sanji is pregnant" fics in the sanzo/zosan tag, and not nearly the same amount for Zoro. It got me thinking about the trope. I think the lack of Zoro fics here is a tragic oversight. I think we as a fandom are absolutely and tragically ignoring the potential comedy gold of Zoro being the one to be pregnant instead.

Because when people write Sanji, the general trend I'm seeing (upon scanning through some of the fics quickly) is that he's cautious about it. Conscientious, careful to make sure things are okay. Which - arguably I could see, Sanji is probably the more practical of the two (not by a whole lot but still)and he didn't have a good childhood. Sanji being pregnant is usually a fic about his heaps of parental issues, childhood trauma and angst - which is fun to read. It's good. It's amazing, even.

Zoro being pregnant is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT gonna be a COMEDY. We're talking about a man who once tried to fight Kuina holding like 20 bokkens. We're talking about a man who got stuck in wax and thought the reasonable solution was to cut off his legs.

The entire crew spends the next 9 months tearing their hair out, preventing Zoro from doing stupid shit (exhibit A: cutting off his own limbs). They spend the same amount of time trying to stop Luffy from gum-gum-grabbing Zoro and yeeting him anytime he needs to get them out of a sticky situation.

The crew (mostly Sanji) is on 24/7 prevent-zoro-from-drinking-alcohol duty (impossible). Chopper is constantly stressed in the later months cause no one puts it past Zoro to get lost somewhere, give birth out in the woods and come strolling back with a baby tucked under his arm. They have to start hiding Zoro's dumbbells.

Franky and Usopp design and build a nursery and spends the entire time suspiciously teary eyed. Sanji tries to pretend he's unaffected but spends an entire night creating a 9 month meal plan of all the nutrients Zoro and the baby are gonna need. Not even a day later, one of the crew finds him up at 2 am making a mountain of food because Zoro made the mistake of offhandedly mentioning he had particular pregnancy craving within earshot of Sanji. In the end Zoro has to sit on him to stop Sanji from running himself ragged.

Robin keeps spouting morbid childbirth facts and quotes from parental advice books in equal measure. Nami keeps going on shopping sprees for cute baby clothes and adding the cost of them to Zoro's debt. Brook keeps writing lullabies and trying to sing them to Zoro's stomach. Zoro 100% uses his pregnancy belly as an excuse to walk around without a shirt 24/7 without getting nagged.

Somehow word gets out that the famous pirate hunter Zoro is pregnant, and at the next big fight with the Marines, half the soldiers refuse to fight him and instead start telling him to sit down, take it easy, shouting advice at him etc. Etc. Zoro loses his shit a little bit and cuts their boat in half.

Mihawk, upon finding out, tells Zoro in no uncertain terms that that is his grandchild and he's expecting them to visit so he can meet the baby when they're born. Zoro vehemently denies that Mihawk is his father (he is). Zeff upon finding out, is almost as bad as Sanji when it comes to being a mother hen. Perona buys even more baby clothes for the baby. She buys one singular shirt for Zoro as a joke, and it coincidentally happens to be the exact same brand of "mama" crop top he was forced to wear in that one filler episode. Zoro tries to chuck it into the ocean (he fails).

I'm essentially saying it would be absolute chaos, and it would be the funniest thing I've ever read. 9 months of Marimo wrangling. Can you imagine the look on Zoro's face if one of the opponents he was fighting were to tell him that he's "glowing"?

PLEASE, I would actually wheeze myself to death. The best part is you can still have plenty of Sanji angst. He still has parental issues except now they're flavoured with "I'm not ready to be a father" and "I'm terrified I'm gonna become my biological sperm donor" and "please don't die because of childbirth complications, that happened to my mother(sort of, I know she died after but it kinda counts), and I can't handle that happening again to you". Lots of cute/tender moments of Zoro comforting and reassuring Sanji. We can even have Zoro angst. He probably views protecting his crew as the one and only job he's good for (not true but that's probably what he thinks). Not being able to fulfill that is probably not helping his self esteem, and that sense of uselessness warring with his need to protect the baby - but the contradictory thing here is that to protect the baby he HAS to sit back and let other people do that FOR him. That plus all the other restrictions, people treating him differently, but him at the same time refusing to view his own child as a weakness. Imagine the havoc that would wreak. Oh my god.

Y'all don't understand, I don't even read mpreg that often and yet this is literally my ideal fic HAHAAAAA

[sysmedsaresexist]

I've heard one of my posts is causing waves

Here's some more things that are normal in DID/OSDD systems, and some weird myths, in no particular order

- Not realizing you're a system until later is normal (average age of system discovery is 18-21)

- It's rare for children to display distinct alters (not impossible, just a rare occurrence in a rare disorder (based on numbers, it's considered rare, yes), alters tend to form in mid-teens)

- Feeling as though you "created" an alter is normal (related to unconscious feelings of control over an uncontrollable situation, and/or tricking yourself into an explanation, also, if you have a need to be filled, the brain WILL provide)

- "mixed origin systems" are totally normal for DID/OSDD. I have a couple alters that could be considered "endogenic", but I'm really just... DID, with normal alters forming in normal ways

- Alters forming at any age/time is normal (you can form a brand new alter at fifty, after having undergone complete fusion, once the ability is there, it's always possible to split)

- Alters don't always appear immediately after a traumatic event (alters can take YEARS to come to front after forming, making it impossible to tie them to specific events unless THEY'RE aware of the connection)

- Alters can form from stress, not just trauma (and the brain is notoriously good at hiding how stressed you are from yourself)

- Comfort splits ARE normal in DID/OSDD

- The amnesia criteria in DID doesn't mean you need to experience amnesia day-to-day, you still have DID if you can't remember childhood events but have good communication now

- The dysfunction criteria is redundant and circular, where the symptoms themselves fulfill the criteria, and as per the DSM, doesn't imply any inherent need for treatment or distress-- so being happy, loving your system, feeling like your system helps you more than it hinders you, all normal (and good!) but still DID/OSDD

- OSDD 1a does not involve alters as they're known, but states or modes that influence you, and amnesia occurs during these periods of influence; OSDD 1b involves "emotional amnesia" only (which is just a stupid, fancy word for dissociation (an emotional disconnect from a memory) that doesn't actually exist in the medical world)

- You can have as many EPs and ANPs as you'd like. The majority of systems with OSDD feel as though the one ANP theory doesn't fit them, and there have recently been updates to theories to acknowledge this

- Integration is the lowering of dissociative barriers to allow for better communication between system members, and is absolutely necessary for functional multiplicity (fusion is the joining of two or more alters). These definitions come from the ISSTD, and it IS recognized by the ISSTD that integration and functional multiplicity are viable and attainable treatment goals. Keep this in mind when conversations about these topics come up-- if you can communicate clearly with alters, you're already well integrated. It's not scary, it's not bad, and no one can or will make you fuse.

- CPTSD, the basis of dissociative disorders and DID, presents very differently from PTSD -- mostly presenting as a negative view of the self and vigilance rather than the flashbacks and nightmares you'd see in PTSD (it's quite similar to BPD, but the view of the self is negative rather than unstable). If you resonate with some aspects of BPD and have a system, and you don't experience the "typical" presentation of PTSD, that's normal. That's CPTSD (complex PTSD, not chronic PTSD), maybe read up on it.

- You don't need to know your trauma to acknowledge that you have DID/OSDD, and no one should be pushing that you search for trauma. Who cares, move at your own pace, maybe you'll never figure it out, and that's perfectly fine. People who push others about their trauma will face my wrath.

- Trauma isn't an action, but a REACTION to an event. What traumatizes one person, may not have any effect on another person, and vice versa. This isn't about what might have happened to you, but how you felt about it. There is no Trauma Olympics, and people who play that way are ridiculous. Trauma reactions are personal and unique, and come from anything-- bullying, isolation and loneliness, abuse. And yes, other disorders can make you more susceptible to trauma reactions. Having autism or ADHD or BPD, EDs, psychosis, schizophrenia-- all of these create more opportunities for trauma reactions, and make someone more susceptible. That doesn't mean you're not trauma based. It doesn't mean those things caused your system. It means those things made it harder for you to navigate life and left you more susceptible to trauma. That's it.

- MADD is typically trauma based

There's so, so many more. Other DID/OSDD systems, feel free to add on, endogenic systems, ask if something is normal.

[yomigaere]

Nanami and the dissolving dress incident from episode 3

When I was rewatching this episode recently, it struck me that the dissolving dress incident was actually quite a nasty thing for Nanami to do to Anthy -- and I don't think Nanami understood how nasty it really was.

Rest of the post is under a readmore due to mentioned spoilers for the wider series, mainly with regards to Anthy and the deeply unpleasant things she's been through.

To start, I just want to make it clear that I love Nanami. She's one of my favourite characters, and in actual fact, I'm the kind of fan who's believed for more than a decade (as long as I've been an Utena fan in general) that people shouldn't give her too much shit for things like the kitten incident in her childhood. I'm also happy to see that she gets a lot more love in the fandom nowadays than she used to.

That said, I can't agree with unironic claims (keyword: unironic claims, not jokes) that she never does anything wrong at all. I think it's dismissive of the feelings of the characters she hurts in her more genuinely nasty moments -- and Anthy in this episode is a major case in point here. She clearly was very hurt by this incident, and it honestly tore at my heart a bit to see her shivering and upset while she was on the floor trying to keep herself covered. I also think, all things considered, that her reaction to what she goes through here is 100% genuine.

Let's reiterate what she goes through here: Anthy, who is clearly shown to be uncomfortable in crowds, is humiliated in front of a huge crowd, which very likely reminded her of when she was originally stabbed with the million swords of hate by the angry mob who branded her a "witch". Also, Anthy, a long-term victim of sexual abuse, is rendered semi-naked in front of a crowd. It's little wonder that she ends up shivering and in tears from all of this.

Needless to say, Nanami has absolutely no knowledge of and no way of knowing about Anthy's trauma and how deep it runs -- certainly not at this early stage. That's not the only reason I don't think she realised the severity of what she pulled on her here, though.

To my knowledge, exposing a rival's body in public is not entirely outside of the sorts of bullying tactics that come up in melodramatic old shoujo -- which Utena draws from, and which this episode draws from in particular. With that in mind, I think Nanami (who is herself practically a 70s shoujo character in some ways, which explains things like her character design not having whites in her eyes) likely just thought of this whole thing as a way of embarrassing a girl she didn't like.

However, Nanami is just thirteen years old, and she's had an upbringing that's a mix of sheltered and neglectful at that. Because she's a child, and because she doesn't see anything in sexual terms, certain implications of humiliating Anthy the way she did simply didn't occur to her, and likely couldn't have occured to her.

In short, there's a certain... I'm not sure if innocence is the right word to use for her cruelty in doing what she did in this episode, but definitely a kind of obliviousness. Again, what she did here was unpleasant, but for the reasons I've detailed above, I don't think she understood the full extent of how unpleasant it was.

[alexanderwales]

I started watching Batman: Caped Crusader, which seems like it's really trying to capture a nostalgia market by being very similar in style to Batman: The Animated Series, and ... I think I just don't have it in me to enjoy this kind of vigilantism.

Batman is threatening people with bodily harm to get information out of them, and it's just ... this is world's greatest detective? Hanging people off the side of a building until they talk? I know it's his thing that criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, but I just don't have the stomach for this particular brand of superhero. Inflicting suffering on a person to get information out of them is torture, and Batman doesn't get a free pass because he's got some childhood trauma. That the show endorses these methods by having the information be correct and the victim "deserve" it is enough for me to just sigh loudly.

I imagine the show gets better when it's monsters and freaks, people who have their own psychodramas and allegories, but I'm not sure I'm willing to give it the chance. Superheroes get shit for being fascist, and in this case, it feels very deserved. It's like the show is screaming "you know what would solve all the assuredly rampant crime? torture, violation of due process, a big strong man who was above the law, someone to hurt those inhuman scum".

There's a guy running away and Batman just punches him straight in the face. It's not really clear what his crime is, it's just a bunch of dudes loading boxes onto a truck. I went back to listen again, and they just say "the swag is too valuable to leave behind". Is it ... drugs? Weapons? Stolen goods? I don't understand why Batman is there, what justifies his intervention, why he feels the need to deck a guy who's running away. I mean, I do get it, Batman hates criminals, but is he just hurting criminals for the sake of it? As a deterrent? Is the message of the show "we should fuck up criminals, that will stop them from crime, the problem is that we haven't been nearly tough enough"? Because they say they have half the cops in the city on their payroll, so I don't understand the plan here. The implication is that these men would walk free if they were arrested, and again, it's not clear what their actual crime is. Batman just beats them up, and then ... I don't know.

I just can't do it, is what I'm saying. The part of my brain I'm supposed to turn off has malfunctioned, it's stuck in the "on" position.

They made Penguin a sexy woman though, so I guess points for that.

[saltymcsaltything]

Hey @staff - WTF is this ad doing on my dash?

Spiritual Autism? Oh, I know this one - let's do an ableism in slapping a label on not being a brainwashed bigot!

Oh, and they did a double ableism by using blindness as a metaphor for not being a brainwashed bigot. Classy!

Hey, I know! Let's reinvigorate the moral model of disability while we're at it! For those not familiar with that particular form of fuckery, the moral model of disability essentially states that being disabled is due to a moral failing - something that many brainwashed bigots still believe. Using disability as a metaphor for lack of knowledge or a relationship with sky-daddy is moral-model adjacent. Cringe as fuck.

I'm autistic and I have religious trauma. I am atheist and antitheist because monsters in religious garb have abused members of my family. My childhood priest was defrocked several years ago after multiple accusations of child sexual abuse came to light. I have had to actively resist the urge to hunt him down and tear him limb from limb.

So yeah, I love it when greedy corporations platform this kind of abusive rhetoric from the most harmful forces in the world. I guess the money of dangerous hatemongers spends just as well as the money of thieves stealing user generated content to train their shitty AI models.

Accepting money from religious ableists to shove this deeply unsettling bullshit down my throat is fucking awful. It's also entirely on brand for a site run by a rancid transphobic ableist techbro, so it's sadly unsurprising.

Do better you pathetic fucking tools.

[vulpeskorsak]

Day 15 of Whumptober 2024: Bitten

No. 15: CHILDHOOD TRAUMA Painful Hug Carry | Moment of Clarity | “I did good, right?”

AO3 got banned in my country and VPNs have not been working well on my PC lately, so I am not going to post these there for now. But hopefully I can do that at some point.

This is taking place in my own DnD/fantasy world.

Barnaby is a fungal mage who loves mixing drinks. A mycologist mixologist, if you will.

This is a moment from his teenagehood that started it all.

--------------

Bitten

Barnaby is climbing over the wall leaving a bloody trail on the rocks. He did not expect his little excursion to go wrong. Not that wrong anyway. He thought he might get caught by his parents or the castle guards and scolded for sneaking out while the Plague is still raging on but instead someone else caught him. Something else. One of the poor mindless victims of the fungal plague sunk its teeth into the right side of his torso, tearing through flesh with surprising ease. He did not know human teeth could pierce that deep. You could not see the face of the former person behind all the mushrooms growing of their head but the teeth were out there, clear as day.

He has heard that is one of the ways the fungal plague spreads itself once it fully consumes a particular person. He hopes the family healer can fix him before he gets sick. He has not heard of many people who have gotten better but there is a handful of stories. And his family is doing all they can, providing funds and their deep professional knowledge on fungi to help the royal alchemists who were sent here to develop a cure.

Surely, they are close enough to the solution that he does not need to worry about this. Right?

He hops onto the top not caring to check for a look-out. One of the guards, a middle-aged mustached man with a crossbow in his arms, is right there but he does not need to hide and wait like he would usually do. For the first time in his life, he is glad to get a guard's attention.

The man jogs up to him, speeding up as he notices the blood soaking through his vest. Barnaby leans on a merlon, feeling much weaker than the second ago when he was climbing.

"My Lord! Has there been an attack?! Should I sound the alarm?!" The man asks worriedly looking down at the wall into the forest behind it.

"No-no, Peter. I… got bitten by one of the… the... you know..." He trails off, trying to come up with a succinct way to describe what he saw.

"Holy shit, My Lord!"

The guard backs off for a second, almost dropping his crossbow in shock but recovers, reminding himself what the Marchioness and her husband taught them about the Plague. The teenage lord is not going to be directly infectious for a while, not until the late stages of the sickness. He needs to get the young man to the doctors as soon as he can. Maybe, it is not too late!

He leans his crossbow against the wall, drops his metal helmet to the ground, scoops the young man into a cradle carry and starts running towards the staircase leading down.

"I can walk!"

Barnaby protests but decides against thrashing around or otherwise trying to escape. He does not want to fall. He is hurting bad enough already. He has gotten a wide assortment of cuts and bruises in his young but adventurous life and even broke his arm once as a child but this is a brand new type of pain.

"We need to get you to a healer as soon as we can. Do not worry, I will not drop you."

His fingers dig into Barnaby's right side only slightly above the wound making him cry out.

"I am sorry, My Lord! Forgive my clumsiness."

"It is alright, Peter," Barnaby tries to reassure him though his eyes are glistening with tears of pain a little.

They quickly descend downstairs and as Peter turns the corner, preparing to sprint for the doctor's chambers, they come face to face with Barnaby's noble parents. His father stumbles in surprise, losing his balance for a second and having to jerk himself back. His mother silently stares at the two waiting for an explanation.

All of the sudden, Barnaby feels too nervous to speak out, which is a rare feeling for him, so he also merely stares, unsure of how to tell them.

"Bitten by an infected individual, My Lady and Lord!" Peter reports quickly and professionally. "Taking him to the doctor."

His father's arms drop and his mother's inscrutable face twists into a light grimace of horror. Barnaby's heart sinks. He knew he fucked up. But now the realization of just how fucked he is hits him. His mother expressing such a stark emotion speaks louder than any words.

They have yet to find a cure.

Hoping that he will be lucky enough to live until it is developed is unrealistic and stupid.

He is going to die.

[henrysglock]

Stranger Things: Exposing Vulnerabilities via Mirrors and Music

Part 1: Mirrors

Now...I am by no means a physics expert, but mirrors and reflection was one of my best topics in the optics unit.

I first want to talk more about the concept of mirrors/holding up a mirror as it relates to Henry, Will, and the ST4 victims (Max in particular).

In the first part of my siblings series, I talked about how Max's vulnerability ripped open a hole in Henry's mind-scape because it is a shared vulnerability. I also want to talk about this within the context of Henry's mirror-weapon.

To do this, I need to start not with Max but with Will, Billy, Chrissy, Fred, and Patrick.

This might seems somewhat of an irrelevant topic at first. I promise you it is not.

Those 5 are different from Max in a few different ways, the main being that they are near-identical to Henry.

Why do I say this? Let's look back:

Will: Literally a body double; his entire childhood backstory is near-identical to Henry's.

Billy: Another literal body double; he's another William with almost same backstory as Henry.

Chrissy: Has the same brand of mother: Abusive. They even look highly similar.

Fred: Boy who killed an innocent by accident, and finds himself to be in the wrong about it. He also has facial scarring.

Patrick: Abusive father...Abusive Papa.

[Pam voice] Corporate wants me to find the difference between these images...they're the same image.

So what does this have to do with Henry's mirror attack?

Well. What happens when you hold up a mirror to an image of yourself?

You get the inverse image as a result.

This is why something that was a weakness for Will, Billy, Chrissy, Fred, and Patrick would be a strength for Henry. He's getting the reflected, inverse result.

Weakness for Identical Image -> Mirror -> Strength

Don't believe me? Let's just talk about Will and Billy.

How did Will's possession come about, how did his family free him from Henry's, and why did it work?

Will becomes possessed because he's small, weak, and frightened. To Henry, a mirror, these become strengths. The more afraid Will becomes and the worse he feels, the stronger Henry becomes.

(Side Note: I daresay Will's visions in S2 are Vecna visions, based on his eye movement and the fact that his body is still in the RSU. Henry's holding up a mirror, and what does Will see? The monstrous Mindflayer form of Henry. He sees his narrative foil at its most damaging.)

Will feels fear in his home after the slug, the physical manifestation of the original rape trauma which ostracizes him, but he feels safe enough to let it go because he's surrounded by family: No Mindflayer, just the UD, but it starts the progressive descent.

Will feels deeper fear in his home, now the second time, but there's no family awake now: Mindflayer is present, but in the far distance.

Will feels fear from multiple sources on Halloween. He's not at home, Jonathan isn't around, and he's already freaked out by bullies: Mindflayer is closer, almost directly overhead.

Will is in school. He's just interacted with Dart, the physical manifestation of his trauma. He's already triggered, scared shitless even though he tries to resist: Mindflayer gets him and possesses him, but nothing is visibly wrong with him yet outside of the rape trauma he just experienced.

Will is at home. He's just experienced rape trauma (again), something deeply hurtful which usually tends to make a person feel incredibly isolated: Something is wrong, now. Really wrong. He's cold, he's afraid of the bath, he's got brain fog and now-memories, and...Henry's clearly got his hooks in, but Will is still Will enough to want to be Mike's superspy.

Will's in the field. He's being indirectly attacked. He's in pain, and he doesn't know why. He's terrified. He wants his mother, he's calling for Mike. The entire thing is arguably the most gut-wrenching scene in the show: He loses his memories. He loses almost all his memories. He's acting strange, dangerous, unpredictable. He's more Henry than Will, now.

Will's just sent all those soldiers to their deaths. He's just called in the demodog army. He's so incredibly afraid and guilty, and he didn't mean to, Henry made him, and he can't stop it: Will disappears. After that...no more Will. It's just Henry.

Then, though? Joyce, Jonathan, and Mike (Will's 3 biggest supporters) came in with Will's strengths.

Joyce: His mother. She reminds him how much he means to her, how loved he is, how much she supports him, how good and kind he is. She reminds him that she wants him back, no matter what has happened.

Jonathan: His brother/father-figure. He reminds him of the time when Lonnie went away using music ([Video Game Narrator voice] Remember this. It will be useful in the future), an act of love on both Joyce and Jonathan's parts. He reminds Will that he loves him more than anything.

Mike: Reminds him he's a hero, reminds him he's loved and special, even now, even after everything. He tells Will that meeting him and knowing him was the best thing he's ever done.

And Will? He breaks free.

I believe there's a combination of reasons, and that they occur in this exact succession:

One: Henry is a mirror. He's experiencing himself in inverse via Will. Will receives love on all the topics Henry himself is deeply sensitive about: his mother, his sexuality, his abusers, his loneliness, his status as a monster, the fact that he's only been special because of his monster status. Meeting Henry has been the worst thing that's happened to most people. This rips open a hole in Henry's psyche.

Like in Dear Billy, they've exposed a vulnerability. Many of them, actually. Enough that a young boy, who was previously unable to resist, is now able to break free.

Two: The shed sequence empowers Will. He sees the opportunity to break free, and he takes it. He fights back. He spies, and reports back.

Will is empowered to fight back by the very things that make Henry vulnerable. He comes back, and tells the crew how to stop Henry.

The plan, had Mike not noticed the detail about closing the gate and killing the body, would've killed Will. Joyce's love for Will and her drive to save him by any means drives the Mindflayer out. It's the heat, yes, but the heat is because of Joyce. A mother's love, a psychic attack, in combination with a physical attack.

Henry falls.

Now, Billy.

Billy doesn't get quite as much stalking, and his possession is slightly less textually rapey (likely because he's older).

Either way, the progression of the Mindflayer is similar:

Billy gets put on Henry's radar in S2 with Neil's behavior and his twisted "protectiveness" over Max: No Mindflayer, no UD.

Billy gets hit on by women more than twice his age. More on this here: Henry physically stops Billy from going to Karen, and he infects him with part of the trapped Shadow Monster. And then, for all intents and purposes, Vecnas Billy. He pulls him into an UD vision and tells him to build.

Billy is immediately different. He's merged with Henry. He's confused and disoriented and in pain at the pool: They jointly fantasize about hurting Karen (which Billy doesn't like, so he tells Karen to stay away), and they go on to take Heather and enact the events of S3 up to the Sauna Test. There's very little Billy left. It's mainly Henry, and we see this in his behavior at the Holloway house.

The sauna test happens. It's an indirect attack, just like the fire in S2. Billy is afraid. He's in so much pain: The more pain he's in, and the more he's attacked, the stronger Henry gets. We see this with him grabbing the tile shard while begging for help. We see this in how the black veins spread. By the end, he's no longer Billy. He's full Henry.

Then, El discovers a good memory while looking for Henry in Billy's mind. It's his mother, a memory of her love and his own happiness.

When Billy turns on Henry, it's because of this memory. Why? Because of the mirror effect.

Henry's been holding up a mirror and showing Billy all the violent, cruel things he endured from his abusive father. He's been showing him how his mother abandoned him to said father. He's been showing Billy his cruel behavior as a child.

El shows Billy his one remaining piece of goodness: The memory on the beach.

Billy's escape follows the exact same linear progression as Will's:

One: Tear open a hole in Henry's psyche using his vulnerabilities against him.

Billy's memory of his mother and their happiness rips open that hole. Henry, the mirror, gets hit with psychic damage re: Virginia. This topic is a huge source of pain for Henry. He wasn't happy as a child because of his mother.

Two: Empower the victim. Get them to fight back.

Billy's love for his mother and the compassion El showed him inspires him to fight back. He steps in front of her and Max, and he physically stops Henry's Fleshflayer. He fights to the death, but he dies free.

Henry falls.

What does this have to do with Max? Didn't you just say she's the same as Henry in the Siblings analysis?

Not quite. Like I mentioned in my siblings series...She's Alice, but she's put in Henry's position.

She's the inverse. She's already mirrored.

What happens when you hold up a mirror to an inverted image?

You get the original image as a result.

That's why "Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)", something that's representative of Max's weakness, didn't help Henry. It reminded him of his own guilt about his sister because Max's inverted story, when held up to Henry's mirror, became Henry's own story. It exposed his own vulnerability.

Weakness for Mirrored Image -> Mirror -> Weakness.

Max is a mirror by virtue of being Max.

This is why something that should have been a strength for Henry registers as a weakness. Max's weakness is the same as Henry's weakness, but she's the inverse player. So instead of her fear and guilt helping Henry, it hinders him.

The weakness he's drawing on to take Max is different because she's different.

He's targeted her sibling guilt because he sees his own situation. He sees another exact copy that he can use his mirror weapon to feed on. Then he sees that Max isn't him, here. Max is Alice, just in a swapped role.

Henry and Max have made a deal with God. They've swapped places and revealed truths.

Those truths threw Henry off and exposed his own vulnerabilities just long enough for Max to escape unscathed.

Max's escape is very similar to Will's and Billy's, and follows the same progression of steps:

One: Tear open a hole in Henry's psyche using his vulnerabilities against him.

I daresay Alice might be Henry's achilles heel. Not only does he freeze, but the hole that was ripped open was...so incredibly large. It's so massive that it would allow Max to escape immediately and completely.

Two: Empower the victim. Get them to fight back. Inspire them to live.

Max reaches up and physically attacks Henry when she sees, through the hole in his psyche, that she's so adored by her friends. They love her, they need her, they're begging her to come back to them. If they hadn't been there, I don't think Max would've escaped.

In Summary:

Most times, when Henry attacks, he chooses an identical figure. Will, Billy, Chrissy, Fred, and Patrick are Henry's identical images. Max, however, is an accidental inversion. This is why her weakness is Henry's weakness instead of his strength. This is why Max's vecna-ing was thwarted by "Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)".

Parts: Mirrors, Music, Exceptions That Prove the Rule

[junpeijackflash]

Happy Pride Month, lovers and haters of Maximum Ride!

I promised I'd talk a bit more about my rewrite by revealing which members of the flock are LGBTQ+, and now that I've finally finished fixed Chapter 7, now's as good a time as any.

This will be spoilers for stuff I've planned further into the future (as in: most of this is only really relevant from book 2 onwards). This also isn't all the LGBTQ+ characters I have. There's a couple of OCs (and a handful of stolen James Patterson characters). Might talk about them later, might not. Who knows.

Characters are below the cut!

Alright, we're all clear on spoilers? (though I guess it doesn't matter in the case of a rewrite with no confirmed release date lol)

Then, in a semi-particular order, let's start with...

Nudge!

Using a new picrew for all of these. Link can be found here: https://picrew.me/ja/image_maker/626197

Nudge is pansexual, which tbh is the headcanon I've had for her for years now, so this doesn't feel like much of a change. I should note here that she - along with the other members of the flock, minus one exception - don't technically use the terms I'm using here to describe their sexuality, for one reason or another.

For Nudge, it's because she doesn't discover any words for describing her experience other than "gay" for a while, and she doesn't really like calling herself "gay" since she doesn't feel like the term fits her.

She doesn't have any romantic relationships, but she does have a crush, and gets incredibly shy and embarrassed about it.

Iggy!

Iggy is, by definition, gay. However, Iggy doesn't particularly like the term "gay". He usually either uses "queer" or just goes unlabeled.

Iggy is also the only character that I have a planned romantic relationship, and it's with a stolen James Patterson character! Place your bets everyone! It's not gonna be who you think it is!

Both Iggy and Nudge are already out by the time book 1 starts. These next two come out after a bit of self-discovery during book 2.

Max!

Maximum Ride is aromantic, realizing this after 14 years of living when she's finally confronted with other people her age and realizes that dating and romance are in fact real things people want to do and not something made up for television.

I haven't decided whether or not she's asexual as well. Feel free to headcanon that, or whatever you want. I'm leaving it up to interpretation.

Of course, Max isn't going to be having any romance, considering she is the last person in the flock who'd want that.

And finally, the last member of the flock, and the only trans member......

...oh come on, like you don't know who I'm talking about.

Fang!

So yeah, I've fallen victim to the nonbinary/trans Fang agenda, and I'm here to make all of you join as well.

To keep things simple, and not spoil all of my Fang Development Plans, here's a basic summary of Fang's pronouns book-by-book.

Book 1: he/him

Book 2: he/they

Book 3: they/he, but in the "Only people very close to me get to call me 'he', everyone else has to use 'they' or I'll kill them" sort of way

Should also note: the flock as a whole is not even aware of the concept of being trans or the fact that people can be something other than male or female until book 2. Finding out helps Fang start questioning their gender.

That about wraps it up. Sorry if this is underwhelming, I never know what I do or don't want to say regarding spoilers. The only two flock members who aren't included on this list are Gazzy and Angel, but that's really just because they're very tiny children and I was thinking less about who they might have a crush on and more about the brand new childhood trauma they'll be getting and living with for a very long time.

[curhartwrites]

Cultivated Queerness

Much of the time, we consider gender as something individual and innate - something that is born in us, even if we don't discover it until later in our lives. When I began to realize that I'm trans-masculine, it was tempting to then look back on the previous years of my life and paint them with the wide brush of secret boyhood. It's true that hindsight is twenty-twenty, and of course there were signs (like my love of Peter Pan, and my textbook-transmasc insistence on carrying as many stacked chairs as I could), but I didn't navigate my childhood or early adolescence "pretending" to be a girl, and certainly not consciously. There were definitely times when being a girl felt like playing dress-up, but being a boy felt that way, too. All gender was dress-up to me when I was younger. Sometimes it still is. Figuring out who I am is largely a process of rummaging through a big box of things that other people have left behind in my life, trying to find what feels good and what doesn't. My experience of gender now, as an adult nonbinary trans person whose gender weathervane spins most reliably toward the masculine, is still shaped and informed by the experience of girlhood - and in particular, southern-fried queer girlhood. Yes, some aspects of gender are inherent. Yes, there are people in the world who have always known. But gender is also cultural. We learn what gender is, what it looks like and how it speaks and walks, from the people around us. And during the time in my life when I thought that I would grow up to be a woman, my models for womanhood were deeply and subversively queer. My mother is queer, and her friends are the kinds of Appalachian butch women who spring fully formed from the wet clay ground at lakeside music festivals, cigarette in hand. They have buzz cuts and wear men's clothes. They rescue dogs, play guitar, keep rifles in their trucks, compete in chili cook-offs, and curse like sailors. They're loud and fat and strong, and their hands smell like tomato vines. I have loved these women as long as I have been alive. Those are the women who raised me, and my relationship to masculinity was shaped in part by their example. Their culture. Later, when I left my hometown and began to explore what it meant to be trans-masc, I began to drink in the warm, kinky leather-and-whisky brand of masculinity that is so historically holy to the realm of queer men. This, too, felt like something that belonged to me (or something to which I might belong). But there are overlaps and intersections between the world of trailer park dykes and the world of smoky-bearded bears. There's a common thread here of rebellion, power subversion, community-building, and intense loyalty. That common thread is the tightrope I am walking in my journey toward self actualization. It shifts. It changes shape, comes in waves, moves with the moon and the seasons. The rage in me is a woman's rage. The tenderness is boyish. I have in me the warring desires to be seen as a safe port in the storm for queer women, and to be welcomed with an arm around my shoulders into the Greek camaraderie of queer manhood. The other night I had a dream about giving birth (to the child of my trans-feminine wife, who is growing out her beard again right now and looks impossibly, ethereally beautiful). After a childhood spent running barefoot in back yards full of singing frogs while a coven of dykes sat around a fire close by, I still want these things: to carry a child and feed them from the wellspring of life that is my own body. To care for my home. To nurture. To be called "Momma," maybe. I don't know.

The love that I have since received from queer men who have welcomed me into their spaces and helped me to carve a home for myself has also shaped who I am. The physical freeness of queer masculinity has helped liberate me from much of the trauma that I have held in my body all my life. It reminds me, in a lot of ways, of the Good Ol' Boys I grew up with back home who stood around someone's fixer-upper chewing "backer," boys who loved their families and weren't afraid to hug each other or cry on one another's shoulders. Here is another overlap. Another common thread whose stitches hold together the disparate pieces of what I consider to be my Self. The leather boys in the alley are the redneck boys in the field. These experiences of gender, these bright impressions left on the insides of my eyelids that inform how I move through the world, were not there when I was born. They were given to me. They are gifts imparted by the people who have loved me into being. Treasures.

[the-whispers-of-death]

I'm so sorry, this is literally just a brain dump with no structure or anything 🫧

My first OC I came up with goes by Bandito (I haven't decided on her actual name yet), and she's pretty heavily inspired by the Twenty one Pilots song of the same name.

Bandito is either Ghost's sibling or close childhood friend. They joined the military together and were both captured by Roba after being betrayed by Vernon. While Ghost was buried alive, Bandito stayed in custody and continued to be tortured. Ghost was told Bandito was dead and took his revenge on those who had betrayed them both. Bandito managed to escape Roba's clutches, but heard the news about Tommy and the rest of the family, and since Sparks' body was assumed to be Ghost, they both assumed the other was dead. (I'm using the Ghost comics for the backstory because it's tragic and what better character development than serious trauma?)

Bandito is a member of Shadow Company, who works between the Shadows and the 141 as a sort of liaison, supporting the 141 on missions when requested. She and Ghost have not yet realised who each other are.

Bandito wears a hoodie with the oversised hood pulled up, and a bandana wrapped around her to obscure their nose and mouth, with dramatic eyeliner. The callsign 'Bandito' has a couple of explanations - It can be a reference to her skills in sabotage and infiltration, the desire for freedom from her past, and maybe a tongue-in-cheek reference to all the times she's pickpocketed her fellow Shadows and 141 members for fun (She's weirdly good at pickpocketing). The bandana also has some personal significance, either as a physical symbol of her defiance or because one of her bandanas was a gift from Simon. On missions, Bandito tends to wear darker colours to blend into her surroundings, but she much prefers to wear brightly coloured and patterned bandanas.

She has a unique skillset geared towards stealth operations and infiltration, and is particularly skilled with knives. She also excels in a particular brand of interrogation (the more violent kind - while Bandito resisted Roba's torture and brainwashing, it left its mark and her moral compass is a little scuffed, so she can easily stomach torturing people). She is motivated by a sense of loyalty to those who took her in (Graves and her fellow Shadows, and eventually the 141), as well as a desire for some sense of normalcy. She knows this is unrealistic but surrounding herself with those who care for her seems to help, especially on the days where her past seems to haunt her a little too closely.

My second Blorbo is a guy called Damien but he goes by either Crow or Coffee, and then after that they just get progressively less well-thought out - but some of them are called Viper, Winter, Doberman, and Andromeda.

Holy hell this is long I'm so sorry

I'm struggling to come up a callsign for my new OC (why is naming the hardest part?), so I feel ya about naming Bandito. I love her though, I hope she and Ghost eventually realize they're both alive.

I don't have much to say, except that I love her, I love how traumatized she is.

[shamelesslymkp]

I recently started seeing an EMDR therapist (still seeing my old therapist once a month) and while we haven't actually done any EMDR as of yet - she actually has some reservations about doing it with me at all, she thinks it might hurt more than it would help - we've been doing trauma work, which. I don't actually understand what that means? but we've been talking about all of this stuff from my childhood and my most frequently triggered flashbacks (side note! apparently! I am not just having emotional flashbacks! what I have described to the mental health care professionals! is actually a much more stereotypical type of flashback! and I was misled by television!) and uh.

that on top of a whole lot of stuff getting triggered by my younger brother being in mental health crisis and staying with him to support him while my parents were out of town

plus spending several hours dead certain my parents were leaving me left on read (they weren't, apparently whatsapp has an intermediate check stage between 'message sent' and 'message read' which is just 'phone received message' but I did not know that at the time)

has had me kind of fucked up for like. the last month.

following the different type of fucked up I was during December.

and eventually this stuff is supposed to get better! and already we came up with some accommodation things that are going to help!

but also I am all over the place and can't remember for the life of me who I've said what to when so like. if you read a post of mine that sounds like I'm continuing a conversation that never happened. you're not going crazy. that's just me, my mixed up memories, and my particular brand of failing the theory of mind, which is when I just forget that other people don't actually know what my train of thought is and can't actually know I'm resuming a conversation from three weeks ago without any lead up

[unfoldingmoments]

Peace

After hard decision for months consult with many dentists specialist, with 4 years of struggling with pain & trial error what to do with my tooth situation. Before the 4 years situation, my tooth has been treated with different specialists, mostly are endodontist without realizing it. It has undergone many procedures that cause trauma and left with 4 tooth is undergone RCT (root canal treatment). I don't have the record on my early childhood- teen years. I only have the last 8-10 years. What I do remember is when I was young I went to this particular old school dentist in my hometown with non updated dentist toolkit. He always told me that I have a hole in my tooth everytime I go there. It left me w some silver cemented stuffs. I have no idea what it is, I just do. For sure, dentist are the real horror doctor that you can face in daily life. At least the horror movie in my early years was filled w dentist horror movie. The Q after went to different specialist from Perio, Endo, Prostho, Ortho, TMD specialist: Whether to do crown/ not? Crowning was put into first consideration due to the first endodontist prepared the crown. Was the tabletop ruined my tooth after the RIP dentist left me? And I have to wait for 1 years plus to return my tooth condition to be on the right bite top and bottom/ straight as before. Due to the tabletop, my tooth is sticky all over the place. Then perhaps the issue is: the tooth email has been gone

Due to my sensitive tooth and gums, I can't use certain toothpaste and must be the right extra soft ergonomic toothbrush (jap systema brand so far is my go to brush, but the jap made isn't available in my country, I just used the systema basic version in my country) - most importantly the method on brushing the tooth is crucial. Slipping food in between tooth is one of the most annoying event that I have to face daily. Flossing and sometimes waterpik and interdental helps a bit, But flossing with oral b essential floss thus far was the most suitable. Wrong method on brushing the tooth after eating right away, need 1-2 hours to brush due to the acid from the food that builds up in the mouth. The gum was having inflammation and the pocket was big. But this issue has been solved with periodontist. The masseter essential exercise to do- I am still slack of this one, just got this info for the last 1 month, its quite hard to do if I am not in relax state. The point is learn to relax and take care of the mental health too if I want to get better soon. ---- However, I am grateful for the revelation & feel at peace from my dentist - we had reached same conclusion and we think it's the best idea for the matters:

There is no exact answer to this condition, but we decided to go back to basic, the root of the problem which is the bruxism/ harsh bite due to unknown cause/ usually its due to hormone, sleep disorder, mental health and etc.

Looking forward to the next healing steps after the splint is ready. There's always homework to do to get better health. Lifetime commitment. Thanks you Lord for the revelation, the competent and non competent dentists, all the discussion, research, decision and everything. May we all learn from the mistakes and continue to pursue the right thing to help others.

[funky-sea-cryptid]

If it ok to ask, what’s puppet show? That doodle of Yuno got me curious 👀

HI COLUCANA,,,, it's perfectly ok to ask its just also. slightly insane and absolutely busted and its probably bc it stemmed from a goddamn dream.

it's gonna be a long one. tw for fucked up human experimentation and body horror

ok so we all know lilliane vaude fucking HATES finral. like it's an entire thing she's out here deadass telling a child "i dont love you because you're not my son". (she has inferiority issues huh. mad about being a second choice are you?) anyways. i was like 'what if it was worse!' and it did that.

so lilliane on her power trip is like "what if i tortured my stepson :)" and she has a facility in her basement that's theoretically to discover the limits of childhood mana but it's really because she hates her stepson. initially it's just finral down there but she's like "oo you know i gotta find subjects that Aren't finral or else if im found out people will Talk"

enter luck, yuno, and asta, subject numbers 17, 34, and 35 respectively. they're brought in fairly young. luck's put to work fighting and "disposing of" useless subjects (except for finral (1) because unfortunately lilliane cannot kill him bc that will be A Problem). yuno with all his mana quickly becomes one of her favorites, and asta uh.

it's an issue that he doesn't have mana. it quickly becomes not an issue when lilliane ramps his healing factor up to 1000 and now he can regrow organs. so, you know, if finral nearly dies again, she can Fix It.

langris trains against luck (but luck's severely inhibited) to become a magic knight yes he's involved and he has punched spatial magic holes directly into multiple people. he's got a body count of peon children.

anyways asta and yuno make it out by asta dying and ressurecting himself in the Body Pit and yuno throwing such a fit that lilliane just straight up leaves him to die. therefore they escape with their memories and make it back to hage with x100 trauma. asta's goal to become the wizard king is to protect yuno from this happening again bc he blames himself for yuno being taken. yuno on the other hand is like "if im the wizard king,,,, i can fucking Kill Them" he's mad.

finral and luck on the other hand get their memories blocked off and released bc lilliane isnt about to deal with their grimoires yet. now they're out with a bunch of weird scars that neither of them remember. owen is VERY confused.

canon continues as normal up until the magic knights test where langris whoops finral's ass and asta's like "OH YOU THOUGHT" langris realizes exactly who he is and is like "oh. oh no." and immediately tries to kill him.

the elf thing happens before anything goes on but julius got mad suspicious after asta uniquely introduced langris to the crystal (ft yuno freaking out) so after the elf bullshit he's like "hey lilliane :) what's up with uh. with uh. your uh. your lab?" and she's like "oh yk just stuff. you can request an examination if you'd like" and she specifically requests finral + luck bc "i dont want a biased investigation". yami of course has her bitchass READ and sends magna and nessa along with them bc luck, magna, and nessa would Eat Her.

it ends up being just magna and nessa. being confronted with the fact that your life's a lie and you spent your childhood in a laboratory does shit to people. it's a disaster, both luck + finral completely lose it and revert to subject-mode, lilliane Dips Out after magna and vanessa make it out with the others, asta has 37 brand new panics to deal with because now luck recognizes him and his particular breed of trauma has been exposed to the entire squad, yuno becomes even more homicidal. (sylph is terrified btw)

julius ends up smiting lilliane after a very traumatic trial where the captains read all her bullshit files and it's very cathartic for everyone involved (especially sister lily and father orsi, they're angry for the sake of their boys). langris Dips after the trial and yuno catches up with him to Fuck Him Up.

trauma squad back at base is currently undergoing healing (ft ness and mags grieving/relearning their partners). umm yeah its very fun for me personally.

thanks to alex my beloved for helping me with all the plot holes in the initial story and now it's a lot more cohesive <3 and thank you for asking.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hello sex witch👋🏼

I’m an eighteen-year-old lesbian with almost no relationship or sexual experience. I’ve never been kissed, been on a real date, had a girlfriend, etc. My roommate is dropping out of college soon and so I’ll have my own room for the rest of my semester, until I go studying abroad in April. I’m also going to start getting a monthly allowance from my parents, so I figured now would be the perfect time to start exploring my body now that I have real privacy and unlimited access to adult products like sex toys, lube, etc.

I’ve always had a passive interest in BDSM. I read Sunstone as a naïve young teenager and had a toxic online relationship with another girl around the same age who was sexually active and had actual practice in that area. Now that I’m old enough to actually dip my toes into the community, I’m considering joining Fetlife or another site and exploring the scene.

However, I have sexual trauma from childhood and I’m very wary of trusting people, and especially terrified of trusting people sexually. I’ve been trying to get into dating but I don’t want a romantic relationship as badly as I want a sexual relationship right now. Ideally, I’d have someone online and/or in real life who was experienced and could explore it with me safely and privately. But I’m worried about being taken advantage of, being unable to safely engage in sexual activities because of past issues with consent, being outed or exposed, etc.

What slow steps can I take to explore this aspect of myself? How do I stay safe and develop healthy sexual relationships/trust potential partners? Should I focus more on romance and then let my sexuality progress with a relationship? I’m sorry if this is too long or my concerns are too broad to address. I love your Batman takes and your advice :)

hi anon,

holy shit on a stovetop you've given me a lot to speak to here! bear with me while I organize some thoughts and helpful links.

right off the bat I'm going to say that I love you making the most of your newfound privacy and disposable income to do some self-exploration! that's the best and safest way to start learning about your body and what you like, especially if you don't have much prior experience to draw on. as always, I'd like to heartily recommend Smitten Kitten and Spectrum Boutique as great places to start looking if you don't have a local brick & mortar shop in mind. no comments on this part.

now, let's talk about everything else - the BDSM, the trauma, and the trust issues.

I'm going to say something that I think you already know, but that I want to make sure is out here in the open: right now it sounds like you're not in a great headspace to be engaging in partnered sex of any kind, let alone BDSM which is so heavily reliant on trust and vulnerability between partners. you've got some work to do, and I'm glad that it sounds like you know that!

first off, because I legally have to say this: talking with a therapist about your fears concerning intimacy sounds like it could be a huge help. you don't have to lay out the specifics of all your particular sexual wants (although you can, if you want!), but we've got to start working through that trauma and specifically tackling the issues you have with trusting others. that's something that will benefit every part of your life, not just your sex life - being able to trust is vital to forming healthy, mutually beneficial relationships of all kinds.

in addition to working with a professional, I'd also really strongly recommend doing some of your own research about BDSM before you wander in unknowing. there are a lot of genuinely wonderful folks in the kinky community, but there are also scumbags who might take advantage of someone brand new like you, and knowing what to look for and how to keep yourself safe is vital. I'd recommend these Evie Lupine videos as a good starting point

and then further advise checking out Evie's backlog; she has hundreds of videos covering all kinds of topics about the community ranging from navigating different types of relationship dynamics to various kinks and fetishes. a great way to start learning about staying safe in the community while getting fun ideas for what you might want to try someday when you feel more ready to do so!

re: romance and dating - I absolutely don't think you need to try to prioritize romance if that's not something that's interesting to you; as an entire aromantic I'm extremely aware that sex and romance don't need to coexist. however, what's not optional is learning the skills necessary to build and maintain relationships with people if you're ever interested in having sex.

I think it might be really healthy for you to go on some casual dates without any expectation of a serious relationship or even sex ensuing, to see how you feel about opening up with new folks and navigating interactions with them. GREAT practice for getting comfortable with others and opening yourself up in small, risk-free portions.

listen: nobody with trust issues needs to START addressing those by jumping headfirst into BDSM. that would be like me, a bitch who has never run willingly in her life, deciding to get into running by showing up with zero practice or training at a 5k. do you know what's going to happen if I do that, anon? I'm going to seriously fucking hurt myself, and probably turn myself off of running forever. it will not be fun. I would need to start with much smaller, lower-risk goals in order to work up to hardcore running safely.

you currently need the relational equivalent of, maybe, a brisk walk in the park. keep it safe, be extremely mindful of your comfort zones, stay hydrated. (that's not a metaphor, drink your water.) focus on practicing alone to find your preferences and boundaries, and start building your circle of potential running buddies (wink) at a speed that feels safe and comfortable for you. remember that this is absolutely not a race, and progress needs to happen on your terms rather than at any particular speed.

[jimblejamblewritings]

little situation | part 4.

Summary: For years, HYDRA had been trying to use the samples of Steve’s DNA to make another super-soldier. They finally succeed and when S.H.I.E.L.D. breaks her out, Cap is forced to come face to face with his kid and figure out parenting on an Avengers’ lifestyle.

Warnings: maybe potential childhood trauma but nothing really

Pairing: Steve Rogers x blackdaughter!reader, avengers x child!reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Previous Part | (Series Masterlist) 

Steve waved as you and Clint came from baggage claim. Clint laughed as he saw the baseball bat in the hand Steve was waving. Once you two actually reached, he took the bat and smiled at you trying to show that everything was fine after all. Steve also pulled something else from behind his back.

“Our mission was in Peru. I, um, got you something,” Steve said as he handed you a chullo hat with a toy alpaca in it.

“Thanks Da— Ste— thank you.”

You tucked the alpaca under your arm and put on the hat— it was very colorful but obvious the reason Steve bought that particular one was for the large white star on each ear flap. Steve took your suitcase from you and patted your shoulder.

“Nat’s right outside with the car. Why don’t you head on out, Clint and I are right behind you.”

He watched you walk out the airport doors before turning back to Clint. The pompom on the top of the hat bobbled back and forth as you walked away.

“When we say she broke a bat, how bad?”

“It was in literal splinters, I don’t think she knows how much strength to put in certain tasks.”

“I’ll work on that with her. Hope that’s a good one for your kid.”

“Yep. Same brand, you didn’t have to buy a new bat.”

“Ah, no problem.”

Steve started to walk when Clint grabbed his arm.

“Hey, man. Sarah ran after it broke thinking something bad was going to happen to her. She was gone for almost the whole night and was so worried about us being mad.”

“I’m working on that too. I don’t know what the hell HYDRA did to her but we’re trying to undo that.”

“She called you dad.” Clint nodded when Steve looked at him with surprise. “When I found her she said ‘please don’t tell my dad’. The kid feels safe with you whether she says so or not, just be careful with that.”

Steve got in the backseat and let Clint take the passenger’s. It was silent until Nat finally reached over to turn on the radio. Steve turned his head to see you staring out the window, absentmindedly picking at the soft fur of the alpaca doll. Clint and Nat both looked in the rearview mirror to see you take out the hearing aids and place your hand on the speaker on the backdoor of the car. You closed your eyes and sat back with a smile. When the song changed your eyes opened with a frown. Clint messed with the stations until he found one with a similar vibe. When your eyes closed again, he turned to Nat and Steve.

“Sometimes it’s not about the song itself but the music. She probably likes the way the vibrations feel.”

“Have you guys eaten lunch?”

“Nah, had to leave early to make the flight on time.”

So Nat pulled up at an outdoor restaurant instead of just taking Clint to his studio and you and Steve to the apartment. You took off the hat and left the alpaca in the car. The waitress came over and the three adults watched you tilt your head as she approached, looking at something. The waitress pulled out her phone for you all to read: Hello, I’m Ally, your server for today. Please bear with me, I am completely deaf but can still do my job. I’m happy to help. Do you know what you want to drink?

Ally’s smile grew large when you and Clint both tapped on your ears. Clint took over taking everyone’s orders and signing them to the waitress. When she came back with the sodas, she handed you a kid’s menu with crayons.

I like your hearing aids, pretty color. Is (f/c) your favorite? Ally asked.

Thank you. Yes, I like (f/c).

Ally took your food order and headed back to wait her other tables. The three Avengers discussed the missions Nat and Steve had just come back from, being careful not to discuss classified information in case someone was eavesdropping. Steve, who was sitting across from you, looked down to see you drawing— surprisingly well, especially for having crayons. Nat and Clint looked as well.

“You know they say a portion of creative ability can actually be an inherited trait,” Nat said.

Both Clint and Steve looked at her.

“What? I had to be a child psychologist for a mission once.”

You looked up when Steve took a crayon.

“Can I?”

You shrugged and pushed the menu in between the two of you, where you had flipped it to the blank back side to reveal your drawing of the roses in the pots next to your table. Natasha and Clint looked on with silent amusement as Steve leaned over the table and started coloring with you while waiting for the sandwiches. He added the actual restaurant in the background, including the green awning while you made the tables and chairs. You looked at the flowers on the table— not red roses, but purple flowers. Which wouldn’t have been a problem, except the crayon pack had all the blues and purples next to each other. Steve took the crayon pack out of your hand and wordlessly took all the crayons out, rearranging them on the table so each blue or purple was separated by another color.

You picked up the crayon that seemed closest, now able to have a sense of differentiation. When Ally came back with the sandwiches and fries, you quickly cleared the table of your stuff to make room. The other three didn’t miss how you looked at the drawing one more time before taking up a crayon and writing down: Steve & Sarah’s Restaurant. You quickly folded up the paper and started to eat.

“Sarah?” Nat asked. “Do you have anything you like to do? For fun, like drawing?”

“They made us dance… but I liked it.”

Natasha froze and neither Clint nor Steve was sure if they had ever seen her that way. It had been years since she touched a dance floor. Any missions that involved disguising herself as a dancer was immediately passed to a different agent, Nick knew not to even ask.

“You liked it?”

“It was when they left us alone.”

That made Nat laugh in agreeance. It might’ve been painful and torture but once the music started you were right, they left you alone.

“I like…”

You trailed off when you spotted the large dog. When your eyes returned to the table, you had forgotten what you were going to say and finished eating. Nat dropped you and Steve back home after dropping off Clint. You set the alpaca toy on your bed and gave the hat a front row seat on an empty part of your bookshelf.

“Sarah?”

You popped your head out of your room.

“Nick found you a tutor if you want one? It seems better than school for now.”

Steve thought that you should be privately tutored until you were further detached from HYDRA. He didn’t want one wrong move from a teacher or another student to cause you to run off.

“Okay.”

“You said you finished the polygons at the farm. Do you want help putting them together?”

You nodded excitedly and brought out all the triangles and pentagons. Steve grabbed two of the popsicle tubes and handed you one. You both sat cross-legged on the couch, facing each other, popsicle tubes dangling from your teeth. You showed him the template and started connecting the shapes with ribbons. He held up the finished product.

“First icosidodecahedron finished in all blue. Nice work, Babydoll.”

“My mom used to call me that.”

“Oh, I don’t have to—”

“I like it.”

You woke up early from the noise, having forgotten to take out the aids. You got up and opened your room door to see Steve, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. He turned around as he heard the door open.

“Good morning, Sarah, I didn’t mean to wake you. I was going to go on a morning run and then come right back.”

“Can I come with you?”

“Sure.”

Steve slowed himself down but was impressed by the stamina and speed you kept. The two of you ran for ten miles in the half hour before you got tired, instead of his normal thirteen. You two quickly ate breakfast and made your way downstairs again to where Nat was waiting.

“Scheduled the test for Monday. We’ll be out of your hair soon and in our own car.”

“If you pass, Rogers. I’ll hold my breath. How are you, Sarah?”

“I’m good. We finished the icosidodecahedrons yesterday, would you like one?”

“Is there one with red ribbon?”

“That’s Dad’s.”

“Da—”

“We can give Nat the red one, Babydoll,” Steve cut off Nat’s question. “I’ll take the blue one.”

Steve took you to Nick’s office after training, where the tutor was, before leaving for his own office to type up the mission report. The office was now oddly quiet, he had gotten used to your audiobook playing in the background. The mission report was boring but Steve meticulously typed it up anyway. Nat came strolling in a few hours later, sitting on the corner of the desk.

“When did that progression occur?”

“In the car.”

“Right then? That was the first time she called you ‘dad’? And the nickname?”

“Is it too old school sounding? She said her mother used to call her that.”

“No, it’s cute, I just didn’t expect it so soon. You two are a nice family.”

“The kid’s growing on me… speak of the devil.”

You walked into the office carrying two containers of lunch and two water bottles balancing on top of them. You gave a wave to Nat and set the food on the desk, taking up the single chair on the other side once again.

“The tutor gave me an hour for lunch.”

“Thank you, Babydoll.” He took the second container.

“There’s a lot of agents here. Not a lot of guards,” you said. It was just a simple observation.

“We don’t need guards, everyone’s a good guy here,” Nat said.

“I like that,” you said after a moment of silence.

Nat left you and Steve to go do her own work which included research on a cartel. Steve opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out his sketchbook and colored pencils that he kept there. He slid them across the desk and towards you. You opened it, seeing a few of his drawings.

“I like to draw too, figured you would get more use out of it than me.”

You and Steve got used to the new routine. Early morning runs before finishing training at S.H.I.E.L.D. Then you would part ways for your tutoring while he worked before you grabbed lunch and ate in his office. Tutoring would finish and you’d both go home, ready for dinner. The times he had a mission, you’d hop on a flight to Clint’s farm. And Steve would always bring back something from a mission for you. It had been going like that for three months.

You were sitting at the round dining room table after having taken a shower, drawing in the sketchpad. Steve was still working on dinner when you came back— he was slowly making his way through a cookbook, now on the recipe for lasagna from scratch. It definitely wasn’t going to look pretty, most of the things he cooked didn’t, but it would taste good.

“Hey, Sarah… Babydoll.”

Steve looked over when you hadn’t responded. Your head remained down, glued to the picture you had been working on. He noticed the (f/c) hearing aids weren’t in— you had left them on the bathroom counter. Steve put the lasagna in the oven and walked over to the table. He moved his hand into your line of sight and knocked on the table. You looked up, focusing on his mouth to see what he wanted.

Your hair is longer. Do you want to cut it again?

He laughed when you went wide-eyed. Steve didn’t want you to feel like you had to have the hearing aids in all the time, and wanted to communicate on the off chance that something happened and you just didn’t have them on you.

I’m learning. He gave a soft smile.

I want to grow it out, you signed back to him.

Alright. Who’s this?

Steve looked at your drawing, seeing the young black woman on the page. She had big hair and full lips that, in their stretched smile, took up almost the entire bottom part of her face.

My mother.

Elise? She’s very pretty.

And young is what Steve thought. Obviously your mother had started graduate school way earlier than most people but it hadn’t really occurred to Steve until he saw your drawing. He was too busy staring at the picture that he almost missed your last words that came out so quiet.

“I’m starting to forget what she looks like.”

Steve looked down at you. Do you know her last name?

(Y/L/N).

Steve nodded and returned to the kitchen to check on the lasagna. He now had two new things on his mind. One, finding videos on doing hair since you wanted to grow it out. Two, finding any living relatives of Elise (L/N).

(Part 5)...