#my parents were talking about me and uni
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(S4 E18: Trap)
i was surprised from something that my father had told me once: my mother said that i (me, alisha) wasn't a quitter.
#my parents were talking about me and uni#i wasn't doing well in my first year. academically and emotionally#inshaaAllah i'll be done soon :)#oh! hey!#teshiro is here!#hai not on queue#nyaakoma#kyanma#fukunyaaga#yakult-san#oh man i didn't think of having yaku's tag be 'nyaaku' earlier :(#nyaamamoto#not-sakunami#灰羽列夫#犬冈走#手白球彦
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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i think what's really been getting to me the past few months is the realisation that i dont relate to literally any of the mental health stuff i see anywhere. like whenever there's some affirmation or motivation or just relatable-sounding posts in general they all seem like such common problems and it's like, damn i literally dont experience any of that. and yet im still crumpling. something uniquely wrong with me
#like ion have social anxiety and my depression manifests entirely differently. already excludes like 90% of things on here#also like. my parents grew up so poor immediately post ww2 and in the ussr that they#were eating dead animals off the street. my father was in a revolution when he was 10 and grew up working in a mine#and ion even wanna think abt the shit my mother endured in transylvania#and they both went to uni for over a decade and made an extremely good life for themselves#and i cant even do 2 yrs of uni without folding?? i dont even have anything else going on#i literally have everything handed to me why can't i just function#maybe i never learned how to struggle for things. i dont know#barking#and i cant say oh well im more mentally ill than them. first of all where do you think i got them from. second of#all they were in a war and spent the majority of their lives in the ussr. they wont even#talk about most of the things they went through#like dont get me wrong i have such a long list of mental issues my biography would count as the next dsm#but it's not like my parents were okay at any point. so like#for the record they stopped living in the ussr because the ussr ended they didn't move out or anything. we're still in eastern europe#which is definitely contributing to my overall state. please can i fucking leave pleeeease
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Ngl part of me is happy that I'm still alive around a year after I almost ended it all, but at the same time I'm still having flashbacks and they haunt me to this day
#suicide tw#tw suicide#suicide#yes this is the first time i open up about this...#im grateful of my parents for talking me out of this.#technically there were two instances where i could have kms last year: once before my graduation and once in late November#first time i was so overwhelmed by school and by the pressure to do great that i almost gave up#and my relationship with my parents back then wasnt great#but we eventually sorted it out and didnt give up... aaand now im at uni#second time i was driven by some ppl to end it all... and again my parents talked me out of this#combined with the therapy and my online friends it was much easier for me to feel better this time#im grateful to still be here... but i still remember of all the trauma i went through and it majes me almost cry#anyways. just wanted to get this off my chest#might delete later
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if my parents dont suspect im dating someone at this point then idk when they will
#technically not dating dating but we do go on dates?#idk the minutae of relationship definitions and expectations and stuff are mostly unknown to me#okay yeah my mum is literally rn asking hella questions about her#in a nice positive but also ulterior motivey type way#honestly would be less awkward if my parents just straight up (gay up?) ask me lol#anyway yeah im getting the train up to see her and normally im not about that because getting the train makes me anxious#but ill be fine. hopefully.#im terrified of missing my stop#wah so much anxiety but actually feel a bit better now ive told my mum#a significant part of me is still closeted and 17 even though i am 24 and also out#there was a comic or something i read the other week that talked about the 'trauma of coming out' and its like yes actually that makes a lo#of sense#but i am trying to be less repressed. i was even telling my friends at uni about the date we were on on saturday
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man i’m still so hung up on the way that this professor handled music in the philippines. there were Choices made and though i agreed with a few of them, i found most of them straight up fucking baffling and it was disheartening to not feel heard or invited to contribute to the discussion despite this subject matter being uhhhhhhh my fucking lived experience just because i didn’t pay a twenty dollar membership fee to the fil-am org
#if ppl actually walk away thinking kulintang = progressive and rondalla = conservative i’m going to scream and bite things#BARELY touched on actual music happening in the philippines. most of it was fil am stuff#like sure apo hiking was mentioned but THAT WAS THE ONLY ONE#and it was to juxtapose american junk with something a child of the diaspora made#which was filled with like AAVE appropriation and was mostly in english like hello?#and the point was ‘see this is male dominated and the new one is intersectional feminism’ YOURE MISSING THE POINT#OH MH FUCKING GOD#AMERICAN JUNK SUCCINCTLY CRITICIZES AMERICAN PHYSICAL AND CULTURAL HEGEMONY#ITS FRUSTRATION AND LAMENT AND RESISTANCE BUBBLING UNDER OUR ‘FRIENDLY FACES’#the new song the fil am woman made covers WAY too much im sorry#i couldn’t understand it and i showed it to my parents and they were like we don’t understand this either lol#half of its not even in any dialect of filipino language#so we’re appropriating Black American art—music created by another oppressed group—and calling it SEA music. cool cool#the only thing i liked was this assigned book i need to finish it but it criticized the activities of fil-am uni orgs#it helped me verbalize just what put me off joining these group#NOT EVEN BAYAN KO. WE DIDNT EVEN TALK ABOUT BAYAN KO?#AND NO ASIN EITHER I WAS SO MAD#UGH i’m glad we’re done with this unit i was really really disappointed by it#NO WAIT THE FUNNIEST THING IS WERE GONNA CALL BAYANIHAN DANCE COMPANY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION#BUT WERE NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW FIL AMS CASUALLY APPROPRIATE BLACK AMERICAN ART WHILE ANTIBLACK RACISM IS SO PERVSSIVE IN THE COMMUNITY#HELLO?
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loveeeeeeee when my one very spoilt flatmate says some shit about how she treats her mum/how she talks to her mum and me and my other flatmate just look at each other for a silent moment and both just go 'no id be dead'
#like flatmate no.1 is the spoilt one and ive known her as well as flatmate no.2 since not just first year but FRESHERS#like these are my uni 4lifers we've known each other since the first two weeks flatmate no.2 i met on my first DAY#so it's quite funny bc ive SEEN flatmate no.1 change her atittude over time#and i think it's a joint effort of being exposed to different people at uni#and also bc ive just beaten her down every time she says something even remotely ignorant/spoilt#like i normally wouldnt give myself that much credit for a single person's character arc but flatmate no.2 BARELY saw us last year#and me and flatmate no.1 were basically joint at the hip so it was a proximity thing more than me just being super cool and inspiring#so basically what im getting at is that in first year she was sooooo shamelessly spoilt#and it was so clear she just had never hung out with people who WERENT spoilt#and nowadays she's v good at letting herself be the butt of the joke and she still gets iffy about dumb shit#but generally speaking she takes what we give her now whereas she used to ARGUE and that boiled my fucking blood#and it means we can talk more easily about these things and one thing that comes up A LOT is the difference in parenting#like i shit you not this girl uses a baby voice on her parents. it's actually uncomfortable#me however i was raised with a bloody mercenary whose genuine worst insult for us was to call us middle class LMAO#like my mum put tough love into the dictionary her VERBATIM catchphrase is 'fall in or fuck off'#and flatmate no.2 is ESTRANGED from her mum and has a very on-off relationship with her dad that has all round left her very independent#like for her there was no one there to spoil her and for me the person that was there would literally have rather died than have spoilt kid#so flatmate no.1 will say some bratty shit and me and flatmate no.2 are just there like??? are you fucking deranged???#the example that caused this post is that flatmate no.1's mum went into her room#and she was like '.... it smells like weed in here darling....' and my flatmate POINTED AT HER WEED AND WENT 'YEAH THAT'S WHY'#and she was telling us as a haha funny and i was like. THE DISRESPECT?#like my mum would be less angry about the weed than she was about the fact i didnt even respect her enough to hide it if that makes sense#she'd fucking clobber me id be out on the bloody street LMAO#spoilt kids and/or pushover parents just baffle me like i have never won a fight against my mum what are you even doing#'why didn't you do [rebellious thing] as a kid' BITCH I WAS SCARED LMFAO#hella goes to uni
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My entire uni process since I applied three years ago has just been accompanied by a series of my parents getting pissed at me about information they made up, like how are you mad at me about stories you created
#Uni shenanigans#+Extra#personal#ace is a grumpy bean#im sorry theyve really set me off i cant even deal with my own sht without them making up a problem to be mad at me about even when im not#there like fck i already moved to the other side of the country which sure its not far but was the best i could do without a passport#im kinda dealing with all my childhood trauma right now its kinda bringing it all back for some reason#but its been like this the whole time they convince themselves they know things and then get mad about them when thats not even the case#and its not like they fcking listen to me anyway when im the one actually experiencing it and its not like i dont lie to them#i absolutely do but those arent the things they get mad about which makes it extra bizarre#like asking my dad to be my guarantor for my flat last year and i explained that it was the same as first year but instead of being#assigned random flatmates i would be with my friends and he was like 'oh you want me to be your friends guarantor and pay their rent?#im not doing it' and i was like ?? no you theyre parents have already agreed to be their guarantors were all paying separate rents for#separate rooms its the same as last year but i dont get assigned a random flatmate and you didnt pay my rent last year what#and then he started claiming he wasnt my guarantor last year but you cant rent without a guarantor as a student? and i certainly didnt#have a rental history before first year so obviously i needed one what are you on and he just kept getting pissed that i was tryna force#him to pay my friends rent its just been that kinda sht over and over for 3 years with a side of threatening my autonomy when im home#im just so tired and fcking frustrated and i just wanna lose my sht at him about it cus its not like we talk we dont have a relationship#and yet hes still finding things to have a problem with me about when i got enough to deal with as is like youre not getting money from me#right now do you want me to starve? i got grocery and laundry money and tuition thats it there aint no spare money you shouldnt have made#poor financial decisions so you could bully money out of me assuming id be home for the summer only for it to backfire cus#now you owe sht and moneys tight and i aint coming back
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Ahem. Realization that I’m reverting back to sixth grade -> thinking about the state of sixth grade. Hm. I might not be doing too well right now. Or maybe I am doing well and getting better I am just comfortable in the misery?
#My parents were separating (they got back together. Unfortunately.) and I wasn’t. I didn’t feel bad about it I think. I was very okay? Idc#But it was all aphmau mysme anime (fairy tail i love you~)#(side note you see how aphmau caused me to be like this? I got into mysme from that time she introduced katlyn to it in my street.#and fairy tail from the gray stuff she had going on. It was the beginning.)#Which some might say. Not amazing a lot of escapism#and it was like. A lot of change and stuff. And my parents being weird keep it in the family types meaning for a good while I was like this#is illegal to talk about with my friends. So.#I was stressed a bit I would imagine.#and now I’m all holy shit I’m almost done highschool i have to start applying to unis in less than a year I’m going to die.#and guess what? Aggressively back into that escapism.#hm. Hm. Well.#idk I don’t got a thesis.#should I tag this with#vent#?#maybe. just in case#K gn also pls recommend memoirs I really do love them they give hope and love. I need stories about real ppl who made it <3 thank you.
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mental health experts are not a thing
#i don’t think anyone should claim to be one#as someone who has been through many many mental health trainings and has various certificates and volunteered for a suicide helpline#and whose job is v closely to do with mental health#no one really knows what they’re doing#we’re all just winging it#yes there’s some evidence for cbt helping some people but it’s not going to help with v deep seated issues#also i know my own personal experience is not everyone’s but it has not been good#i remember going to talking therapy for the first time and saying idk what I’m doing#and they said you need to remember WE know what WE’RE doing#i used the service twice & they did not#i’m sure they were kind#well meaning compassionate people and i admire them for that#but it’s frustrating being encouraged to trust people bc they’re ‘professionals’#and then seeing they have no idea how to help#a psychiatrist told me he could make my bdd go away#he just kept asking me if I thought he was delusional bc he thought I looked okay#no but that doesn’t make me delusional either#we just have different standards and values#one bdd ‘expert’ literally said nothing about BDD the entire time#he was nice though & we talked about his pets p much the entire time#had one meeting with a counsellor who gave me factually incorrect information then told me i was wrong even though i could easily prove it#one bdd ‘expert’ at least was honest with me that she couldn’t help#bc ‘you can only get better if you’re doing it for you not your parents’#another lady thought that if she could get me to retrain my attention that would solve everything#basically ‘just think about other things’#a lady at the counselling place at uni told me to read a book on social anxiety#one psychiatrist asked me what celebrity I’d like to look like#said oh I see it you look like her#I do not#then a bit later said I think you look way better than her
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[ID: A priest in a confession booth looking shocked]
#id added#both are equally shit probably. only saw my dad once a year ish tho and i see ppl talking abt shit moms less often so :#tw shitty parenting. def neglectful. probably counts as abusive idfk. also self harm.#my mother was extremely emotionally neglectful. she started refusing to hug me when i was like.. 12 ? bc she decided i was a problem child#and bc she was always 'mad' at me but she never specified why. she wouldnt budge on it even when i borderline begged#she is constantly saying ableist sanist shit to me. like calling me a psychopath. insane. autistic (as an insult) n telling me i deserve#to be locked up in prison or the 'crazy hospital'#literally came to laugh in my face when she heard some info abt depression on the radio bc it sounded like me#when i ended up in the er bc of sh she yelled at me for months. told me i traumatized her. wasted her money.#she looked though some personal journal notes abt the experience then tried to blackmail me. threatened to keep me from going to uni#she still doesnt believe im mentally ill. not after ALL THAT.#she doesnt hit me but she throws things at me sometimes. she once threatened to give me a concussion so she could be arrested and taken awa#bc she said that would be a break from me#she said all the years she spent raising me were a waste of her life#she once accused me of trying to break her arm bc i was afraid and pushed the door shut hard ig#she talks shit about me to my relatives on the phone. loudly. she makes sure i can hear on purpose. sometimes shell live commentate to them#when im just walking past her to go the bathroom or smthg. shell make shit up like saying im glaring at her#she has criticized every single inch of my existence. the way i talk. tone. word choice. facial expressions. body language. body.#it got to the point where if she entered the room i would go stock still and stock silent. hurry to cover every offending part of my body.#she hated that too#she made fun of me for crying in our arguments when i was younger so i lost that ability for years. she always called me oversensitive#then a few years later shed call Herself sensitive and tear up after some of the worse fights and then cry to her mom about it for sympathy#she has looked through my trash and gotten mad abt the things she found there. like a single one dollar snack wrapper bc thats wasting mone#we were not by Any means poor. we even owned the house we lived in. but she was stingy to the point of absurdity.#we lived in a house w broken appliances for YEARS bc she refused to find a repairman or to replace the objects (AGAIN WE COULD AFFORD THIS)#aircon. lightbulbs. sinks. water filter. the FUCKING WASHING MACHINE. THE GODDAM TOILETS. etc etc etc#there was no laundromat nearby and i wasnt given any money so i wouldnt have been able to use one anyway. it was allll handwashing.#tbf she did it all. but then she would endlessly complain. when i told her to replace the washing machine she told me to shut up#she also told me i should be grateful i didnt have to pee in a hole in the ground like in Some Countries when i told her to fix the toilet#bc of mental illness (and bc the bathroom door DIDNT FKIN LOCK OR EVEN CLOSE PROPERLY and i was v uncomfortable) i had a really hard time
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strange how broad my concept of youth and adults are
#before i would categorize young ppl through my parents#my parents had kids late 20s early 30s so obviously little me assumed everyone else's parents were in that same age group#then i learn most of my friend's parents had kids in their early to mid 20s????#little me is baffled! shocked! and appalled!#'too young!' says my little brain 'or perhaps....were my parents late in the game?!'#then in high school there were teachers that were either my aunt's age or my cousin's age (no inbetween)#i had classmates joke how certain teachers were like a dad or mom but my brain went 'no. cousin are they'#now most of my profs in uni fit my older cousin's age more but it messes me up bc they talk about their marriage and kids and#their graduate years as if they're 10 years ago (they were) but since my older cousin is their age but had a different experience#my brain short-circuits#like 'what do you MEAN you're married?! you're 33!' but that makes perfect sense!!!#or 'what do you MEAN you got your doctorate in 2011??? my cousin had a jo- oh'#time is weird#age is weird#the concept of youth and what qualifies as an adult according to me is weird#shitpost#late night talks with a potato#fluffy vents
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good girls have gone… bad?
summary: her sister has been on your thoughts ever since you became friends with yelena. you two exchanged a quick gaze, and you both wondered right away who natasha romanoff was. sleeping with your best friend's sister isn't such a bad idea, considering yelena left you to spend some time alone with natasha, right? you knew she was way older than you, and you loved that.
warnings: smut, age difference (reader is 21; natasha is 37) blowjob, natasha has a penis, dirty talking, and more - 18+ minors dni
note: i'm back! i'm sorry if i haven't been updating, if i have to be honest i lost interest in this account. but now that i'm back, i think i'll be writing here more often! i apologize if there are some errors with this fic
“I have to get my report card at uni today,” While I was engrossed in a vlog on my phone, Yelena let out a sigh as she devoured her bag of chips. “Are you okay being alone here for now? I mean, you’re with Natasha. So you’re in good hands.”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Your sister doesn’t talk much.”
“She has a day off from work; give her a break.”
I laughed involuntarily. “Even though she’s not at work, she doesn’t talk much. She’ll talk if we want something for dinner or something.”
"I believe she is simply shy," Yelena kissed me on the forehead and said as she got her bag off the couch. “Listen, call me if you need anything. Just hope that I have a signal.”
I smiled at her as she departed, leaving me in solitude within the living room, embracing the tranquility. Yelena and I have been friends since senior year, which I find amusing considering that I have always seen her at school since I was a freshman. It's etched in my memory how she was the one who reached out to me initially, and from there, we embarked on a whirlwind of parties and adventures. Over the course of the past two years, she became the sole person I could rely on. We were supposedly living together at our university, but she mentioned that I could sleep at her place any time whenever we’re on campus since her place was conveniently located nearby. Then, upon encountering her sister, Natasha Romanoff, my heart seemed to come to a halt.
She was absolutely stunning, without a doubt the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. She had a chic, cropped hairstyle, delicate hands, and a radiant smile that seemed to stretch for miles whenever I caught a glimpse. I found everything about her quite appealing, including her tendency to be more reserved in conversation. I often pondered whether or not Yelena had parents, but she remained tight-lipped on the subject. She only shared with me that from a young age, Natasha whisked her away from their parents and they began their life in New York. Her sister has always been the one supporting them financially, which is why she has been consistently absent. However, Yelena's admiration for her sister knows no bounds.
It was sweet, which made me jealous sometimes.
As I made my way back to Yelena's room, Natasha emerged from her own room, a warm smile gracing her face.
“I assume Yelena’s not at home?”
I shook my head. “No, she’s getting her report card at university today.”
“Oh,” She let out an exasperated sigh and casually leaned against the wall. “And you? You’re not getting your report card?”
“I already got it; my parents weren’t so proud this time.”
“What did you fail?” She let out a soft laugh, fixing her gaze on me intensely, causing a knot to form in my stomach. I'm not sure if it was positive or negative, but her intense gaze made my heart skip a beat.
“Finance,” I murmured. “I didn’t focus with that subject that much, which I completely regret.”
I heard her giggle again, and it made my heart race even faster. When I give it some thought, I realize that Natasha and I are similar in one area: sex. I don't discuss it with Yelena or my other friends, but I don't feel embarrassed talking to Natasha about it. Although we've never actually done it, we were both flirtatious about it. Natasha usually asks me to come to her room while Yelena is sleeping, where she usually spends her time masturbating at the foot of the bed. And when it was my turn, I would smother my fingers when Natasha expressed her wish to touch me.
In her bed.
The following day, we just look at each other as if nothing had happened and don't discuss this. Since Yelena didn't seem suspicious, which I was grateful for, I carried on doing this with Natasha until she eventually became tired of me. I was probably just another girl in her view, someone to be used. She was, nevertheless, to me like the book that I couldn't put down. I was drawn to her and wanted to spend time with her.
I could never acknowledge such a thing.
“I was wondering if...” Her mouth became silent as she walked over to me, smirking, and brushed her delicate fingertips over a strand of my hair. “Maybe you’d join me in our secret affair?”
I snorted. “Affair? Natasha, we aren’t in a relationship.”
"Well, it would be impolite to suggest that we watch porn together or something; you are aware of the subject."
I debated whether or not to do it today because Yelena might return at any moment. I sighed heavily and shook my head because she had not told me what time she would be home. It was a bad idea, because if that turned out to be true, we could be caught.
But it wouldn’t hurt to do this... Right?
“Okay,” I whispered to her as she trailed her fingers on my collarbone. “Take me to your bedroom.”
“Shit,”Natasha whispered, holding on to her mattress sheet. “That feels so good, baby. K-Keep going; don’t stop.”
I stared at her face, contoured with lust, and bobbed my head up and down. Considering that her cock felt erect in my mouth, I find it fascinating how much this makes her want to engage. She lifted her hips a little as I licked and sucked on the tip of her dick.
“Good girl,” She whispers, pressing my head farther down as she runs her fingers through my hair. “You like that? You like my cock in your mouth?”
I let out a quiet affirmation as I sensed a certain anticipation on my tongue, observing her eyebrows furrow each time I took her length into my mouth. “You’re so big,” I withdrew my mouth from her cock and caressed her whole length, filling the room with loud, sloshing sounds. “I’ve never done anything like this, Daddy.”
“Oh yeah?” She gently sat up on the bed and slapped the head of her dick onto my lips by grabbing the base of her length. “Open up, sweetheart. I need to cum in your throat.”
Ideally, I would prefer that not to occur. I had to taste her, though, because it was Natasha. Heck, I didn't even give a damn if Yelena was home right now. All I wanted was for this to occur, for her to require my presence. I bobbed my head angrily and made gag noises as I sucked on her dick once more.
It turned on Natasha even more as I did so.
“You’re so warm, fuck...” I knelt on the bed as her words faltered. "You're such a slut for my dick, look at you. Tell me, you wanted this, didn’t you?”
More than you could ever know.
She was probably amazed at my ability to pull off such a feat as she watched me in disbelief as I placed her genitalia into my mouth. The action caused me to cough a little, and I choked on her genitalia right away. And I pulled my head back. She pouted, her whole length smeared across my face as she gripped the back of my head. "Baby, I thought we were just gon' talk dirty to each other."
I whimpered. “I needed you, Daddy.”
“Yeah? You needed me?”
“So bad,” I whined as I kissed her length. “Please don’t stop.”
“Open your mouth.”
She fucked her cock by pushing it back down my throat. Hard. I throw my eyes back, and Natasha's hips falter as she strikes the back of my throat. She recoils her head. “I’m going to cum down your throat, and you’re going to swallow it, okay, baby? You are so good for me, so so good...”
If I were the only girl in the world, I would do this every single day. However, I was aware that I was probably not destined for her because she was much older than I was and I was too young. People will make judgments; she wouldn't think that of me.
Natasha remained motionless for a few moment before turning to face me with a broad smile. "You feel like you're wet to me?" I moaned around her cock as she reached for my covered cunt and gripped it. "Oh my god! Fuck, keep doing that, baby girl.”
I kept moaning all over her length as she quickly and forcefully fucked my mouth, causing me to gag every time her tip touched the back of my throat. I was her sex toy, and I never wanted to be anything else once she put both of her hands on the side of my head.
“I want to fuck your pussy,” She continued to fuck my mouth like an animal while whispering in a rough manner. “I want to—ugh—I want to rip your pussy apart, especially that throat of yours. I bet you’re so tight, baby. Fuck, I can imagine myself ripping you open.”
Rip me open, make me fall apart. I’ll be anything to you, anything.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Natasha drew her length a bit and rolled her hips against my face, her cockhead resting on my tongue instead. “I’m going to cum on your tongue and you better swallow it; don’t waste any drop.”
She was hooding her eyes and idly stroking her dick when I parted my lips wide for her. She glanced at the door once, then grabbed my jaw and drew me in. “Here it comes, baby. I-I’m going to cum—fuck almost there just... Argh!”
She stroked her dick widly as she came onto my tongue. She kept stroking her length, and I had to close my eyes because I could feel some of her semen falling on my face. However, she released all of it on my tongue. Slapping her tip on my face and smearing her length all over it, Natasha let out a long, raspy moan. “You look so pretty in my cum.”
“You c-came a lot...”
With a nod, she reclined on the mattress. "Yes, I did. It's been a while since I've truly done that," she says, continuing to stroke her dick, albeit more slowly. I got up and grabbed the closest towel I could find after realizing that I had to go before Yelena could see or smell the sex in this room. "Are you sure you haven't done that with anyone?"
“I never give blowjobs,” I stated with a small voice as I wiped off my face with a clean towel. “When was the last time you had a girl suck on your dick?”
Natasha was standing in front of me as I turned around. As soon as she gripped my waist and drew me even closer to her body, I felt my breath catch. She let out a long breath and muttered, "You were the first person to give me an orgasm in a very long time, darling."
I chuckled lightly. “I thought you’d never do something like that. With me, at least.”
“You’re very pretty,” She pulls down my shorts, gesturing for me to roll my eyes back as she holds her dick in her palm. “Can I feel you? Just a bit? I just... I want to imagine what it’s like to feel your pussy rubbing on me.”
I gazed into her eyes, taking note of the intensity of her desire. So I lowered my panties to my mid thighs and touched her cock, gently stimulating the sensitive area. We both felt a rush of pleasure as Natasha leaned her head against my shoulder, drawing me in closer to her.
“You’re making me hard again,” She whimpered and pressed her cock against me, causing me to scream quietly. “Oh shit, you are tight!”
“Fuck, Nat—Yelena could go home any minute!”
“Just one minute,” she begged as she looked at me in the eye. “Baby, let me fuck you.”
“Okay, okay,” I whispered and felt myself being pushed against the edge of her desk, her hands hoisting my legs up. “Oh god—”
"God, I’m about to rip you open here,” Natasha spoke with such assurance that it began to pique my interest. I bite my bottom lip as she retreats a little and thrusts back into my cunt. “Let it all out, baby girl. Let Daddy hear you—”
“Y/n, I’m back!”
“Shit!” I exclaimed and pushed her away, pulling up my shorts. She immediately grabbed her boxers and wore them before I reached for the door. “Natasha, she can’t see me like this. Or you like this!”
“Just hide here for a moment,” Natasha led me into her bathroom, responding to my request. I widen my eyes in anticipation, waiting for her next words. “Just for this moment, okay? I’ll handle everything.”
I recognized what I had done as soon as she shut the door. I looked so desperate that I should never have given Natasha a blowjob in the first place. I shook my head carefully, running my fingers through my hair. "What did I do?" Sitting on the floor, with more memories of us playing along in my thoughts, I asked myself. Was I a lousy friend? Would Yelena even accept me if I was?
I don’t know.
hehe let me know if i should make this as a story
#natasha romanoff x reader#natasha romanoff x you#natasha x reader#older!nat#natasha romanoff x yn#natasha romanoff smut
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I'm so zoned out today
#this morning i found some notebooks i thought i had lost#they're journals i had awhile ago - while i used to live abroad#and the first time i found them i spotted a phrase about a past abusive relationship#and that had triggered me so bad. i hid them and had forgotten where - it's been almost a year since then#thats something it'd give me very very bad anxiety#if someone found the notebooks? what if my parents read them?#i did find them this morning#they were inside an old bag of mine i never really used#that struck me like i had seen a ghost#i was late and had to go to class#but i couldnt stop thinking about it and it makes me sick#flashes keep popping up in my head#i just wanna go home but i have so many things to do here at uni#i just cant stop thinking about it#the 1 time i was talking to someone the person asked something about my time there#i cant breathe i need to go home
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I am absolutely banking on the fact neither of my parents ever went to university to make it seem like its different to my reality and if my brother decides hes gonna shatter that illusion in the coming September, I'll have no choice but reenact Cain and Abel
#Uni shenanigans#me lying about my assignments but keeping it vague enough that it sounds more intensive than it is when in reality its a measily 1.5k#lab portfolio that ive had two months to do.... sort of had at least a week#i also be lying about term dates#i should be fine my brothers relationship is even more tenuous with our mum than mine but i will be having a talk with him#aint no snitching allowed aint none of this lax student attitude allowed we act like were studious even when were really leaving our#assignments until 12 hours before the deadline in which we stare blankly at chemical theories at 4am#were both going to lie to our parents okay? its gonna be a team effort.#and the next sibling isnt due at uni for another three/four years after that one so well be chill
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— play with my pussy, not my heart.
a/n; this has been an idea in my head for awhile but kept scrapping it, hopefully this is alr. btw my requests are opennn.
𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐫!𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
cw; smut, mdni, fingering, reader has a nervous habit that might triggering, dom!reader, flirting, language, slap kink once, arguing, abby is a dick here lol, trust issues, angst?? lmk if i missed any!!
sypnosis; your well known girlfriend who has a reputation of being a player finally decides to settle into a serious relationship with you. aware of your girlfriend’s past, abby’s project partner comes to intervene with your thoughts & worries. back and forth arguing isn’t going anywhere, you had to show her other ways on who not to mess with.
— ˚ෆ ⋅˚ —
“it’s just a small study sesh baby, nat even agreed to do it at our apartment!” abby walks towards you as she hovers over, “so no need to worry, ‘kay?”
she caresses your face and pecked your lips.
nat, aka natasha ferreira, is apart of western university’s dance team. you’ve seen her around before wearing white flowy skirts and layered jewelry. you once heard her talking about how her parents got a brand new bmw for her quinceañera.
i guess there was nothing to hate about her, other than the fact she is gorgeous and very talented with her dancing. this was just another one of your stupid overthinking.. right?
“okay abs.. thank you,” you gave her a soft smile.
“that’s my best girl.”
besides, trust was the thing you both had been working on these past months. dating abby was going to be a challenge. you knew it and your friends knew it. though they weren’t too supportive with her intentions at first, you were convinced abby could change her acts if she reallyy tried.
three knocks suddenly interrupted your little conversation. abby sprinted to the door and opens it to find a joyful figure in front of her.
nat gasps, “abby! this is my first time seeing you outside of uni,” she smiles with excitement.
abby smiled back and leaned for a hug, leaving you to stare at them with a lump of jealousy in your throat.
— ˚ෆ ⋅˚ —
one minute you were next to abby, and then the second the brunette is touching forearms besides her with those stupid doe eyes, glossed lips, and weirdly seductive black platform heels. god she’s annoying.
“your handwriting is shit!” the brunette teased, giggling as she leans to abby.
“yeah?” your girlfriend chuckles, “this is what you get for choosing me as your partner.”
nat shrugs, “well then i can deal with it.”
you tried so hard to not be bitter. really you did. but each time you glance at the two across the kitchen island, you swore the both of them were doing this shit on purpose.
sudden eye contacts with you everytime they laughed together, unrelated conversations, and some flirty remarks. oh, and not to mention the obvious footsies that was happening under the table. like you can literally see it.
“fuck me..” you muttered.
“what’s that princess?” abby asks you, the nickname made nat changed her demeanor quickly.
you turned back to meet nat’s eyes, then to abby, and back to nat.
“nothin’ love,” you put a convincing smile.
three hours long night full of giggling and jokes you didn’t even get later on.. you find yourself yelling back and forth in your shared bedroom with abby who literally couldn’t understand where you were coming from.
abby groans, “goddamnit we talked about this!”
“i never did anything to her, you were literally infront of us,” she raised her voice.
“abs, she deadass rubbed her foot on your leg multiple times and leaned to you everytime you both laughed..”you went on, getting more frustrated by the minute.
“well.. we’re just having a little fun, is that romantic to you?” abby asks with her hand crossed to her chest, her facial expression screams ‘you’re being crazy.’
you were exhausted trying to find ways to communicate without bringing up abby’s past, like you both agreed to. however, your concerns shouldn’t supposed to end in argument. you shook your head, letting out a long sigh and sat on the edge of the bed.
“i- i don’t know abby,” you stammered, “i guess it is romantic when they do the things i do to you.. since i am yours.”
you gazed down at your feet with teary eyes while unaware as you were digging your nails into your thighs. this was a nervous habit of yours in which you don’t realize you have been doing it for so long. your girlfriend, however, does.
she slowly walks closer to the edge of the bed and kneeled down to your eye level.
“you are mine.” her voice sounding more reassuring and softer like you could faint at that moment.
“i thought you could’ve been better for me..” you sniffled
abby panicks once she realizes you were crying, “baby no.. fuck i’m trying..”
“trying?” you looked up.
the blonde sighs, “will. i will be better.”
she moved your hands from your thighs with one hand, while other pushes your head closer to hers for a deep kiss. more so, a sloppy one. she wipes your cheeks and the kisses started from sweet, to mean in a heartbeat. abby stroked you waist, making you clench you thighs together.
abby smirks, “you turned on princess?” she asks and you just whimpered in response, “fuck.. i gotta wake up early tomorrow.”
knowing your girlfriend has plans tomorrow morning, this sparked an idea in your head. abby can become a submissive mess when you’re in charge. so you decide to show her other ways who not to play with, and whose pussy she can only play with!
“so?” you replied in between kisses, “don’t want me to scream your name tonight?”
.. besides, making her miss out a big free brunch with her friends the next day will be an added punishment you thought.
the blonde smiles and throws you to the middle of the bed, causing you to squeal from the unexpected move. abby aggressively pulls down your shorts and underwear. your wet slick was ready for her.
“look at you all ready for me,” she circles her thumb on your lips slowly, “gotta fuck that jealousy out quick or else i’ll be late tomorrow, princess.”
you smiled maliciously in response as you bite your lip. abby then shoves her two fingers inside your mouth, “open.”
she pumps her ring and middle finger in and out. being all soaked in your drool making it wet enough to fit in your pussy. the sounds of your whimpers made her go crazy. you shut your eyes feeling abby’s cold, drenched fingers sliding inside.
your body shuttered, “s-shit baby..”
the sounds of your wet pussy is practically making abby drool.
“feels so fuckin’ good, keep going,” you ordered keeping a strong eye contact with the blonde, “just like that..”
“that fucking pussy,” abby whispers, you licked your lips looking down at her fat fingers going in and out, “you needy whore,” she degrades.
her words were like fire and heaven at the same time. you wouldn’t be so pissed off at her if she hadn’t let nat be all over her for three hours straight. now it’s your job to remind her whose pussy she can fuck. and the only one.
you let out an airy laugh, “i’m the whore hm? atleast i wasn’t flirting with another bitch,” she looks up at your face. you were trying to keep your composure while being mercilessly fucked.
you sat yourself up with elbows on the mattress, “you proud of yourself huh?” just inches away from her stupid smirk.
“faster,” you demanded.
she curled her fingers inside of you, hitting your g spot like a pro. you can help but let out a moan and rocked your hips in rhythm. that smirk of hets turned to an amazed expression once she hears your juices sloshing around.
“fuck baby,” abby was practically drenched under her pjs wanting to taste you, “p-please need to taste you.”
“nuh uh, you’re being mean all day. you don’t, f-fuck, deserve me.”
abby was desperate just by hearing you speak like this. you’re such an angel around her normally, like when she first met you, you were different than the other girls she had met before. she fell for you. but damn that mouth of yours was killer in bed.
the rare times you controlled her was only when you were pissed off at your girlfriend for the amount of disrespectful flirting that was happening in front of you, or not giving you updates on what she’s doing with her girl friends. however, you can’t blame yourself for having mixed trust issues knowing how many girlfriends abby has had.
maybe you’ve been too patient with her? letting shit go so easily?
“shit- c’mere” you groaned and kissed her viciously at the thought of her fucking another girl. one hand around her neck while the other grips her loose hair.
“mmm, keep going..” you moaned in her mouth.
abby rubs your clit, feeling your juices squirting all over her thighs, “p-please baby.. lemme clean you up” she begs to lick your folds but you resisted.
you slapped her cheek, her needy face turning red.
“shut up,” you growled, “better stop messing around.. i deserve fuckin’ better.”
abby whimpers, putting her head back in frustration. she then looks down to see you, a dripping pussy drunk mess. her fingers were sticky and all tired. however, she’s not stopping until she screams your name.
“atleast say my name when you cum,” she pleaded, “please.”
her voice made you feel every type of way. your thighs starting to heat up, a familiar feeling as you have had fucked yourself with the thought of her in the past. pounding noises as you thrust your hips on to her fingers harder puts many heated scenes in your head.
“abby.. oh my god- m’ fucking cumming..”
“that’s my girl, ride daddy’s dick,” she encourages you.
an orgasm was washing over you, “abby you’re mine. fuck- ah-“ you burried your face in the crooks of her neck.
“all yours baby, i’m sorry.” she kissed all over your shoulder, genuinely feeling bad that she didn’t give you the reassurance you wanted earlier.
“abs- fuckfuckfuck,” you screamed out, screaming her name loud enough the apartment below could hear you, “i hate you so much..”
“i love you princess.. love it when i make you cum..” she admits. your legs shaking like crazy, feeling overstimulated.
you know how that goes..
once you orgasmed, you let abby suck her fingers, tasting every bit of yourself. and just like that, you were laying down with a fast pounding in your chest. she caresses your stomach and kissed all over your body, still needing to feel you more. but knew you needed her the most.
“hey, you okay?” she asked softly, looking at your sleepy eyes. she just wanted the both of you to be good. “i’m fine.. just a little tired. i feel like you don’t know how badly it hurts me to see you purposely being all over people like that.”
abby sighs, knowing she fucked up. she didn’t want to be that person anymore. she loved you, really, but her actions just aren’t the thinkable. you both sleep skin to skin while she stays up to watch you fall deep in your sleep.
“i love you, angel.” she whispers. feeling all the guilt in her chest, your girlfriend pulls you in closer.
of course, she had to make it up to you the next day so she cancelled all plans. it’s not like she got up in time anyway.
well now you both know she won’t ever be doing that shit again.
— ˚ෆ ⋅˚ —
#bianca writes✍🏼 . ݁₊ ⊹ .#18+ mdni#abby anderson#the last of us#ellabs#abby the last of us#abby tlou#abby x reader#abby x fem!reader#abby x y/n#abby x you#ellie x abby#tlou2#tlou#ellie x you#joel miller#abby smut#smut#abby angst#abby and lev#ellie x reader#ellie williams#ellie tlou#ellie the last of us#ellie x y/n#ellie x fem reader#abby x ellie#ellabs x reader#wlw#lgbtq
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