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beautifuldarkmind · 3 years ago

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tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

#ask #bpd #borderline personality disorder #tw

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disasterinadress97 · 5 years ago

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Dallas Winston Headcannons nobody asked for 🤷🏻‍♀️

Trigger warning ⚠️

A bit of nsfw in there too

Pre Tulsa, life in New York

• His mom was a drug addict and had Bipolar 1 disorder

• He has/had 4 siblings, an older brother (six years older) from his moms previous relationship, older sister (five years older) from his dads past relationship, a twin brother (who was trans ftm) and a little sister (eight years younger than him)

• He was always the one to take care of his mom during her depressive episodes when she wouldn’t leave her bed.

• She often left days-weeks at a time when she was in a manic state

• He practically raises his baby sister, she died when she was four due to cancer

• That was when he decided he hates kids cause they always reminded him of her

• he was always stealing and dealing to get his twin brother anything to help his body dismorphia and feel more comfortable in his body

• His mom often sold his body and his brother’s to her drug dealer when they couldn’t afford drugs (his dad did not know this at the time)

• his dad was actually a good dad till their mom walked out on them when he was 9, that was when he started drinking and abused Dallas because ‘you fuckin look so much like her’

• He was apart of two gangs in New York, one of which was a Drag Queen gang

• The one Queen lived beside him and always heard fighting, she took him under her wing and after his mom left they were practically the ones who raised him and his little sister

• the two older siblings and his twin left a little while after their mom did, that was when he learned you can’t trust anyone

• you bet your ass this boy dressed in drag with his queens, a master with make up, can’t change my mind

• can walk in high heels/‘stripper shoes’ like no other!

• started selling his body to strangers for money after his mom left and his dad started drinking to afford to feed his sister and himself

• His other gang was a bunch of stereotypical big mean, manly gang members

• He started dating a guy from said gang, this guy was hella abusive, controlling and manipulative. Also was twice Dal’s age

• when Dallas left New York he broke up with him and the guy beat the shit out of him and burned him with a poker ‘so you’ll never forget me’

In Tulsa/present?

• has some severe PTSD, also suffers from abandonment issues, anxiety, depression and Bipolar 2 disorder

• Loves him some Rupauls drag race, reminds him of his Queens and how much he misses them

• Acts so tough and mean because In New York he was tough and knew it but was always seen as the ‘little kid’ so going to Tulsa that wasn’t gonna happen again

• first people he came out to about being bi was Mr and Mrs Curtis

• they also found out he was selling his body for rent/food money and that was when they realised how much they care about him

• him and Mrs. Curtis were super close, she was the closest thing he had to a real mom.

• He is actually so soft behind the tough guy act

• cuddles? All the time

• is a total brat sub/bottom don’t @ me

• the gang found out about his Drag Queen past when he accidentally sent pony the wrong photo from his phone ‘you tell them you die!’

• he obviously blabbed

• everyone was shook.

• Johnny was amazed because ‘he’s so tough but so pretty!’

• two bit laughed but lowkey was impressed with Dallys confidence to do that

• Steve was just ‘if it makes him nicer and happier than whateva’

• you already know soda begged him to do his make up let’s ge honest

• Darrel was quiet but was also a good dad and was like ‘as long as it keeps him out of jail we will always love him’

• he was touched but also super embarrassed the gang found out about it, but was thankful they were cool with it

• gang 100% harassed him to wear drag for them Atleast once

• one day dallas brought his make up and shoes over, he did his and soda’s make up and wore his shoes and the gang was shook! ‘How can you walk in those?! So easily??’ ‘He looks prettier than half the girls at school!’

• all the support from the gang!

• Dallas actually reads a lot like pony does but doesn’t talk about it incase he gets made fun of for the books he likes

• is also really smart but plays dumb

• this boy LOVES vampires, they’re his guilty pleasure. We talking the vampire chronicles, the vampire diaries, true blood, he even liked the twilight books but will never tell a soul!

Dating headcanons!

General:

• cuddles all the time

• is very insecure and gets jealous easy

• surprisingly isn’t violent or aggressive when jealous, he’s scared if he is they will leave

• plot twist! Sylvia was actually a beard so Soc’s and other gangs wouldn’t know he’s bi

• they only said she cheated cause she was caught with another dude. The hate and hurt was all an act

• is a brat so will tease his dom in public subtly but so much

• is super clingy

• wants to be together all the time

• always needs reassurance ‘are you sure you’re still happy? Like I didn’t do anything wrong?’ ‘No, babe I love you’. ‘Oh okay, are you sure tho?’ 24/7

Johnny

• always getting Johnny to stay at bucks or his dads when his dad isn’t home so Johnny is safe

• feeding this boy all the time!

• when he hears dal is a bottom Johnny is shook but surpringly into a ‘daddy’ role

• drive in dates whenever they can

• they watch the stars a lot

• when Dallas is super anxious he picks at his nails a lot and Johnny holds his hands to help him feel a bit at ease

• when Dallas is in a manic state Johnny follows him anywhere he goes. Parties, fights, anything. He just wants to make sure he doesn’t get jailed again or hurt

• Johnny highkey loves when Dallas dresses in drag ‘you’re just so confident and hot!’

Steve

• watches while Steve works on his cars, he likes seeing Steve so interested and content

• when either of them fight with their dads they drive around all night and talk. They are both quiet about feelings usually but wanna be there for each other

• hangs around the DX while Steve and soda work

• both don’t say a lot normally but are always touching each other

• when Dallas is in a depressive episode Steve will come to bucks and just lay with him for hours

• They talk about both their moms walking out on them sometimes. They both swear if they ever met these women there would be hell to pay ‘how could she abandon this beautiful person?’

Soda

• all the spooning you could ask for

• Dallas is always complimenting him. ‘You’re so pretty wtf’

• on the anniversary of sodas parents death Dallas buys him flowers and they go to their graves

• when Dallas doesn’t answer his phone Soda highkey panics ‘what if he’s hurt?! What if he’s in jail ahain?’

• Dallas always feels bad about this and tries to make it up to him

• soda is always reminding Dallas he’s not alone and he loves him

• when soda really misses his mom Dallas and him talk about some of their favourite memories with her. Soda is still sad but it makes him a little happier knowing how much she cared about him and the one he loves so much

Two bit

• jokes 24/7

• when the gang isn’t around Dallas only calls him Keith or babe

• two doesn’t usually like his name but when Dallas says it he hates it a little less every time

• two bits mom wasn’t a fan of Dallas at first but after a while and gets to know him she loves him so much ‘mom I’m home’ ‘where is dallas’ ‘idk’ ‘tell him to come over I’m making his favourite dish’

• when two bit gets jealous or feels Dallas is he always puts his arm around his waist or kissing him so the person gets the hint

• twos little sister looks up to their relationship a lot and loves how happy her brother is

• two doesn’t stop drinking but slows down on it when Dallas mentions once it worries him sometimes

• Dallas and twos little sister get close really fast. Dallas is always giving her advice and one day brings her some old make up of his and she loves it!

• two doesn’t understand why dallas seems a little sad after times like these until one day dallas tells him about his little sister and how two should spend more time with her, ‘just in case something happens. I don’t want you to regret anything like I do’

• two makes a point to spend more time together the three of them after that

Pony

• they read together sometimes

• Dallas will go to literally any movie if pony is interested

• picks pony up from school everyday

• if Dallas gets arrested you know pony is lecturing him for Atleast a half hour. Dallas just sits there with heart eyes because ‘damn I missed this pain in my ass’

• dates at the Dingo are their Friday night ritual

• they both have terrible nightmares and are always cuddling and comforting eachother after

• Dallas is always saying little things to pony about his relationship with Darrel ‘I know he’s on your case all the time but it’s cause he means well’. Dallas then tells pony about his brothers and sister and how he wishes he could live with them and see them like pony can with Darrel

• pony and dar still fight sometimes after this but never in front of Dallas

Darrel

• they don’t go out a lot for dates but like to watch their favourite shows together (they kick the gang out for a few hours on these nights)

• Darrel brings out the brat in Dallas 24/7 and he teases him all the time until Darrel gets to a point he just looks at him and with a deep voice ‘bedroom now’ and Dallas practically trips over his own feet running to the room

• they are not quiet either! The gang sees them go in Dar’s room and they all groan and leave ASAP

• the gang found out about them when the gang came over and heard Dallas call out ‘daddy!’ And never let him live it down ‘how’s it going daddy’s boy’ ‘I will literally kill you two bitch’

• Darrel never celebrates his birthday after his parents die and Dallas puts an end to that so fast. He goes all out, flowers, presents, sexy time. Anything he can do

• always sitting on Darrel’s lap, clinging to him, hugging. All of it. He’s just amazed and thankful he has such a strong and beautiful bf who loves him

• dar once let dallas do make up on him and Darrel borderline didn’t like how good he looked in it

• Dallas got him to experiment in drag and Darrel felt hella empowered. Now they dress up together sometimes. But dar says only Dallas is allowed to see him like that

• this makes dal feel extra special and close to dar and he loves it

Tim

• sarcastism never stops

• Tim is quiet but really protective, he can say whatever he wants about Dallas but once someone says one bad thing they best be ready to square up

• patching eachother up after fights al the time

• they be kinky bitches man!

• after a nightmare Dallas told Tim a little bit about his ex and it took dallas an hour to talk him out of going to New York to kill this man

• Dallas does strip teases for Tim in his stripper shoes on special occasions.

• Tim didn’t tease him for his make up or anything, he actually found it real pretty on him

• Tim never lets him stay at his own place or bucks after they get together.

• Tim is Demi sexual

• Dallas heard his ex was released out of prison and has a sever panic attack. Tim was right there reassuring him ‘babe I’m right here. No ones gonna hurt you’.

• dals mom comes to town and Tim got Angela and her friends to give her a ‘Tulsa greeting’. Needless to say she left as soon as she came

This was so long and horrible I’m sorry

Special thanks to @sunlitcigars for helping with some ideas and encouraging me to post these

#dallas winston #outsiders #headcanon #dallyboy #jally #steve/dallas #dalbit #twobit #sodapop #darrel curtis #steve randle #sodapop curtis #johnny cade #mental health #ptsd #new york #tulsa #the outsiders #they trash im sorry

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years ago

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3 am’s a crazy time for it but it occurs to me i may as well give a heads up that i am like, for real at the present assuming that i’m gonna like, sometime in the very near future here be going offline again, in that sort of my ~plan~ (my one-step plan) is seeing if i can get myself on a bus (hopefully) and see if that can get me to the west coast. and from there i’ll just be like, well here i am in a place i’ve never been before, being unhoused for the second time but this time not living in my car, which is a bit different than living right out in the open, which i’ve never done. this, for example, is why i was looking up how to do makeshift stp devices. way easier to be able to pee wherever you are than have to find a place you can drop your whole pants, or an actual bathroom. apparently cutting the end off one of those plastic liquid medicine measuring things with the sorta spoon at its mouth works. anyways

i suppose it hasn’t necessarily showed but for a few weeks now i’ve def been feeling The Impending Pressure and it was getting down to the wire there not knowing if the Last Day Online would spring itself on me suddenly. but i can at least say i think i’ll have a days warning now and be able to say something with at least a matter of hours forewarning and not like, a matter of minutes. its been sorta wild though like, sorta assuming its like a Two Days Remain situation and in the midst of the unpredictability of depression, trying to just enjoy things as they’re happening, the simple stuff like chatting with people and being able to put my bullshit thoughts online...cranking out a fic chapter because it’s at least a better place to leave it hanging than it wouldve been otherwise.....just consuming this content that’s enjoyable and chill af.......i tell ya what—both in terms of being Fun and Anxiety-Reducing and Good Distractions and also, a great opportunity just to be talking to people on the daily which has been and continues to be absolutely fantastic—having been On that deh/etc will roland train for the past couple months has been a total gift. it was some great luck stumbling into that, seriously

anyways it’s weird! it’s weird thinking just like, i’ll suddenly do this thing and be on the other coast and just step out and be somewhere i don’t know and with no particular destination and maybe the lgbt center i looked up will at least tell me whats the best area to be in, sometimes they’re in the know abt that re: where’s a better spot to be homeless in than others. and from there, y’know, all i’ve been doing for years and all i can continue to do is absolutely wing it. and it’s funny that this all seems slightly less intimidating to me than it wouldve like, a year or two ago (even tho two yrs ago i was technically homeless lol but living in my car so like i said its different from living Right on the street) but honestly, obviously, it’s still very intimidating because how could it not be. i’m maybe not AS anxious but i’m still anxious and even though i know i could do it, i’d be stressed tf out and anxious as hell and shit while i was doing it. i mean, a crosscountry bus ride alone—i’ve never done that!! what if i mess up switching over to a different connecting ride between stations. bus and train bathrooms unnerve me, god forbid i have to get past someone to get to the aisle to GO to the bathroom. and, yknow, just a really long bus ride—how do you manage to sleep, how do i manage not to fall asleep at the wrong time cuz i doubt there’s an attendant telling you to get off at the right stop. though god knows it’s somewhat arbitrary where i’m deciding to go, i have no especial connection in one particular place over another, i think i have an uncle and cousin in CA but i don’t have the first idea where and i don’t know them at all

ugh. like there’s no actual way to feel good about it but if i’m gonna go somewhere it might as well be in a completely different place and i could try the west coast and i’m not one for making careful plans or thinking that making careful plans about your life works unless you’ve already got a lot of control about your situation, which i don’t. and it’s always been p inevitable that i wind up “properly” homeless, and it happens, and i don’t pretend it doesn’t scare me, but what are you gonna do? c’est ca que c’est / la vie. this way there’s a chance that A Big Change might lead the way for something better, and like hey if i die or some shit i die, which has always been a possibility anyways for the past like 6-7 years especially, what with how shitty i’ve felt lol. but i have no attachment where i’m at now and just. it’s hard to explain i guess if you’re not in the kind of place where i’m at but there’s not a lot of choices in the first place so, if i can choose the location, if it can be somewhere new where i MIGHT like to be for once, that’s better than not. and somehow so far i’ve managed to go with the flow surrounding big changes and sometimes wild situations, even if i’ve felt like crap and been super worried sometimes too. i don’t know for how many years now i’ve been Not assuming i’d be alive by the next year, but here i am having gotten this far, at least. it’s fairly impressive even if i don’t have any amazing achievements. believe it or not i’m pretty satisfied with my Achievements as just like, dumbass blog posts and fic/art and occasionally contributing something someone enjoys and getting to talk to people sometimes. it’s how i’ve been able to enjoy myself in the midst of some really awful times for the past like 6 yrs and i’ve appreciated it every day i’ve gotten to surf the net

like i guess it’s like haha, nerd, that half of what i’m worried about is being offline. but it’s a big deal being able to connect w the world beyond your immediate reach and distract yourself and say things and maybe even Enjoy yourself and also actually get to talk to people. but hey sometimes even people who live on the street manage to snag wifi connections somehow. i’d have to ask them how, lol. but, yknow, like i said, for a couple weeks especially it’s been like , Not Assuming I’ll NOT Lose Internet Connection and thus really trying to bear down on appreciating it. not like being offline for 5 months or so didn’t also make me appreciate it extra already. i was gonna say i survived it but i did get wildly depressed throughout like, august? september? probably both lol. anyways. what i’m trying to say i guess is that i’m not actually assuming i’ll be okay, but that only means so much because like, not to sound dramatic but i’ve pretty much never been okay on account of ive been just a half step away from living on the streets ever since leaving my parents house where i’d previously lived my whole life, which was an abusive situation. and also the depression and the years of really wanting to die which, at least 2018 didn’t have TOO much of that, in terms of feeling like it might be impending. now i can’t really be bothered, i’m just floating along and if i die i die, right. what i’m trying to say is, there’s not really any Good Proper option to choose where i’m definitely okay, so it’s basically about choosing between bad options, and with this choice i might at least like the location a little better, change of scenery, not as cold as here, i dunno. there’s not a way to just choose my way into being okay. it’s all a roll of the dice anyhow

also it’s weird but one thing about being on my own is it takes the pressure off me in certain ways and it’s a bit easier for me to Do things. if there’s anyone else to answer to in any way, i tend to just not ever decide anything and definitely don’t pursue anything. i’m one of those ppl who either has to live alone or with ppl they’re really really really comfortable with, and since i don’t have the latter around and nobody especially me can afford the former, it’s like, well, how is not everybody homeless anyway, right? and people do it. because yknow, you have to do it, it’s suddenly just your situation and somehow people get through every day. idk. learn as you go. what can ya do. it’s choosing between various bad options, i could also just wander into the mountains and die, but i’d rather not, and offing myself is Way a hassle, and also would be difficult, same as dying of exposure/dehydration in this middle of nowhere patch of mtns. i might as well try my luck at being in a place where you COULD maybe survive or something, and where i could at least feel like, if i do manage to have any good things happen, i would even possibly want to be in that area and be more comfortable living there. i have no roots anywhere and only have a No Zone (near my parents house) and so its sorta like, pick a random place to be!! lol. ahhhh

what can i say. it also sucks having to think “boy, in addition to not dying, hope i don’t get physically/sexually assaulted—also, how do people get water??” but......such is the way that it is. i don’t know. i don’t think anybody looks at impending homelessness and goes “i’m okay about this and not at all afraid.” and it’s strange to talk about how this is sort of ~by choice~ but it’s not exactly, in that i didn’t choose to only have abusive family and how even though i was working while living in my car it would never have been enough for rent probably even if i had someone to split it with and i also didn’t choose to not be rich in the first place and *the economy...... .png*

sigh. i dunno, it’s hard because i can’t talk about it a right way or long enough and get to a point i don’t feel intimidated or upset that once i Go Offline i’ll for real just be on my own unless and until i manage to get online for a moment again, in which case i’ll still be on my own, but i’ll feel a bit less alone, ha ha

anyways. speaking of trying to appreciate the simple pleasures of talking about whatever weird shit i wanna talk about and pushing myself to draw/write as it feels like it gets even more down to the wire—time to do that! 4 am and time to draw this weird meme & hopefully crank out the rest of this oneshot & maybe even draw again, and maybe again—it’s cool cuz i slept weird the other night and then got again weirdly tired in the afternoon and took a long depression nap w sorta fun, sorta bizarre dreams. augh. so at least i figure i’m just cruisin now, Not Sleeping-wise

i might have to ask a favor eventually in that there’s something really super simple i ought to look up, but i’d have a ton of trouble making myself do so because of anxiety, yknow how it is. but i’ll ask that if and when i ask it

#ugh.....#i feel like it was right before or after xmas when i watched that vid about Will R talking about his film role playing a homeless guy #and he got like seven words into it and like as soon as i processed it i burst into tears lol....RIP #it’s 4 am what’s upppp...more like WHO’S up

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waytoooutoftouch · 7 years ago

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First date hcs with all the DEH kids? Let's do this

Okay, so these might not be very good, but just bear with me.

Putting them under a cut because THERE’S A LOT

Evan

-he wants to take you to a national park, or somewhere with a lot of trees, because those are some of the only places where he’s truly comfortable? but he doesn’t want you to think he’s a complete nerd/dork

-sooo he’s super stressed about where to take you, he googles “first date ideas”, “where to take her on the first date”, and he even asks his mom for advice

-Heidi of course is like “!!!” and immediately helps him come up with several places.

-Eventually they decide that he’ll take you to a family-owned diner that’s kind of out of the way? so they know it won’t be too crowded because crowds and social anxiety don’t mix

-he picks you up and he’s just like “wow, she’s pretty”, like he’s completely stunned because you’re dressed up a little more than usual, and you did your hair a new way and he doesn’t realize he’s staring until you ask if he’s okay

-he immediately blushes and nods

-the date itself is a little awkward but still really nice

-the only other people in the diner other than the cooks/servers are this cute old couple, so there’s little to no pressure

-and you split a milkshake, they bring it with two straws, and it’s literally the cutest thing ever

-you can tell he’s super anxious in the beginning because he won’t hold eye contact with you for more than a few seconds and he keeps fidgeting

-but you’re super patient and he eventually becomes more comfortable

-by the end, you guys are laughing together and oh wow he looks so cute when he’s laughing??? Like his nose scrunches up and he looks down slightly and you’re just “oh my god I need to make this boy laugh more often.”

-in the end you both have a lot of fun and agree to a second date

-when he drops you off, you lean over and kiss him on the cheek and I swear his brain short circuits

-but then you’re about to go and he gathers his courage and goes “wait!”

-you pause and look over at him

-and he leans over and very very gently kisses you on the cheek

-And you’re. So. Shook.

Jared

-this meme takes you to an arcade

-it’s absolutely wild

-like you’re surrounded by kids half your age, and he’s up at the token machine with them buying $20 worth of tokens and you’re just staring at him like “who are you?”

-but it’s actually really really fun?

-he makes you play guitar hero against him, and you’re reluctant, and he acts super cocky, like “I’ll even let you pick the song, and I’ll go easy”

-except you actually beat him

-and his jaw just drops when he sees your score against his

-he’s?? so?? impressed??

-like obviously he had an interest in you because he asked you out but now he’s like “holy shit this one’s a keeper”

-and you teased him the rest of the night about beating him.

-but he redeemed himself with skee-ball

-sort of

-okay, so you know how you’re supposed to roll the ball underhand and it rolls up and lands in the hole?

-he just straight up throws the ball in the 1000 point hole

-like a baseball pitcher or something

-and you’re like “jAReD you can’t DO THAT”

-because all these seven-year-olds are staring at him

-but he ends up with a bunch of tickets

-you guys also play air hockey

-and it’s pretty evenly matched until near the end, when Jared gets a one point ahead of you

-and he’s so confident that he’ll win, and then you look up and wink suggestively at him and he’s like “woah” and then you score while he’s distracted!

-it ends with a tie

-he’s honestly so salty about it tho, and he keeps saying you cheated

-and you’re like “I play to win.”

-by the time you guys run out of tokens, you actually have a decent amount of tickets? so you go up to the redemption counter

-and he wants to get a bunch of cheap candy but you fall in love with this little stuffed animal behind the counter

-he pretends to be annoyed, like he’s giving in, when he asks the person for it and they hand it to you, but he just thinks it’s adorable

-up close, you can’t really tell what kind of animal it is, because it’s kind of lopsided? and has horns? and is missing an eye?

-Jared can’t stop laughing at it

-but it’s really soft and you insist on Jared keeping it in his car

-he does it for you

-on the next date, you’re surprised to see it in his cupholder

-and he’s just got this shit-eating grin when you look at him, and you insist that he’s a softie

-he’ll deny it until the day he dies but you know the truth ;)

Connor

-when you’re talking about what you’ll do, he’s kinda quiet, and can’t really think of anything

-because he finally has a shot at this person he’s been crushing on and he doesn’t want to mess it up

-so when you propose a movie, he agrees and then you tell him that you’ll surprise him, that you’ll give him the time and all he has to do is just pick you up

-of course, he thinks that you’re going to pick a rom-com or something like that

-and he’s mentally preparing himself for it when he picks you up

-but honestly, he wouldn’t even mind that much? because he gets to spend time with you, and that’s worth a shitty rom-com

-ANYWAYS, when you guys go into the movie theater, you walk straight up to the counter and ask for two Spider-Man Homecoming tickets

-and he looks up so fast

-he’s honestly s h o o k

-because he used to love comic books when he was younger, and Spider-Man was his favorite (I stole this detail from the cut song A Little Bit of Light)

-you actually knew this, because you had talked to Zoe when she found out you had a crush on him

-“so, I heard you were Spider-Man for Halloween?”

-“… I need to have a talk with my sister.”

-honestly though he’s so surprised because that’s the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for him in a long time? he tries to act all cool about it, but you can tell he’s excited

-the movie is so good, you laugh at all the funny parts, and he laughs too but is mostly distracted by how cute you are

-and then he catches himself, and he’s just “why am I acting like a cliche smitten teenager?”

-THEN you laugh again, and he’s just “oh”

-the date means a lot to him because for the longest time, he thought he was damaged goods, and that he would never be good enough for anyone to date him

-and then you came along

-I mean obviously you aren’t going to solve his problems

-but he thinks that maybe if you can believe in him, then he can work on believing in himself

-when you guys are leaving the movie theater, you’re talking about how good the movie was, and before you know it, you’re next to his car

-then he just

-he hugs you

-and your heart flutters

-you hug him back

-and you hear a soft “thank you” in your ear before he lets go

-shoot now I want to write a second date headcanon for Connor

Zoe

-heard from someone that you like fishes? She’ll definitely take you to an aquarium.

-and will insist on paying the entrance fee, citing her rich parents as an excuse despite your protests

-at first you get stuck with a school group (“Who goes on a field trip on a Saturday? That’s a crime against humanity” “Zoe, they’re kids.”) but you two manage to break away from them.

-her favorites are the clownfish because of Finding Nemo

-from here, you learn that she likes Pixar movies, and that her favorite is WALL-E, but Finding Nemo is a close second.

-when you’re looking at the fish, she’ll take a step back and take a quick picture of you for her Snapstory, captioning it with “”

-it’s not until later, when you get home, that you see it, and it makes you blush madly

-when you’re walking to the next room, you two accidentally brush hands, and instinctively move them away

-but then you realize that you would absolutely love to hold hands with Zoe Murphy

-so a few minutes later, while she’s reading a display, you quickly reach out and lace her fingers with yours

-she looks away from the display, grins at you, and squeezes your hand and you swear your heat skips a beat.

-you insist on grabbing lunch at the aquarium’s cafe

-it’s delicious

-and you ask Zoe how jazz band is going, and she starts talking about this piece that she has a solo in, and her eyes light up, and it hits you that you’re talking to Zoe Murphy at an aquarium because you guys are on a DATE and she’s just so enthusiastic and just looks so pretty talking about music and wow you’re completely smitten with this girl

-you both buy matching baseball caps at the gift shop afterwards (I’m not gonna lie, this is based off of the pictures I’ve seen of Laura Dreyfuss wearing a baseball cap because DAMN)

-on the way home, you both sing along to the radio

-you’re at a red light when you notice her looking at you

-“What?”

-she just grins again

-“thanks for the date”

-when she drops you at your house, you lean over the console awkwardly and hug her, and she hugs you back and it’s great

-you whisper to her “I get to plan the second date,” before you move back, and you swear she’s blushing?

Alana

-God, I love Alana

-okay, so this girl does not do things halfway, so she would love to take you out to a nice dinner

-BUT she remembers she’s busy volunteering all day that Saturday (the day that you offered)

-she feels really really bad when she tells you, and wants to apologize

-but you’re literally just “can I come with?”

-and her heart goes “!!!”

-and she’s just like “yeah, of course!” and gives you the time and date

-you show up (it’s a food drive for the local soup kitchen) and Alana immediately runs over to you, and you’re stunned because she’s dressed in the most casual clothes you’ve ever seen her in (a t-shirt with your school’s name on it and jeans) and she’s so so happy to see you?

-honestly part of her thought you wouldn’t come bc who would want to do volunteer work on the first date

-but then you showed up!

-wow you guys are so smitten for each other

-but she puts you in charge of organizing the food as she and a few others bring it in from the collection tables

-you do that for a while, and then one of the other volunteers leave, so you go up front and help her

-and you guys have little conversations whenever you can about the most random things

-it’s not the most conventional first date but wow is it cute or what

-honestly you’re literally standing there talking and one of the underclassmen yells out “get a room!”

-and the others laugh a little bit but it’s not in a mean way? It’s just that everyone there can see how into each other you are

-and Alana honestly just turns bright red

-you don’t hesitate of course

-you grab her hand and drag her into the hallway, to an abandoned classroom

-she’s laughing at this point

-still though, she says that you guys have to go back

-you shrug, say “they can live without you for a few minutes”

-you guys talk here, a real conversation, and it’s great and by the time you go back, you’re convinced that you’ve completely fallen for this girl

-Alana thanks you for coming afterwards, and insists on taking out to a really nice restaurant for the second date

-you, of course, agree

-–

OKAY I hope these weren’t too bad, I’m sorry if they were :/ but I had fun writing them

#dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen headcanons #deh #evan hansen #jared kleinman #connor murphy #zoe murphy #alana beck

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sanguinesprout · 7 years ago

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #7 (plus some small but heartening accomplishments and a few other little frustrations)

Hmm... hmm... it’s hard to say how I’m feeling right now, a strange cocktail of refreshing see sawing determination with a little kick of spicy proudness mingled in with the usual bitterness of overhanging doubt and the chill of all those nerve-wracking fears. Tastes pretty terrible, probably an acquired taste, but unique non the less. I’m no expert at all, but I’ll give it a generous 2.3 stars overall.

Last week was... it was not so bad actually (or maybe that’s just cause I’ve forgotten a lot of it already lol). I pushed myself to try harder to do some of the things my counsellor wanted me to do, what I myself wanted to do and le gasp, it happened..! I guess her hard talk really did stir something good in me after all. To put it real brief right here for now, I went out a lot more than I usually would (just mundane stuff like shopping and supermarkets tho) and I did the phone orders thing!!!1! Not once but multiple times over three days! Yaaay! But this week I need to continue it and even one up it... boooo-- uh, I mean go me!! @w@

There were times I totally copped out though and it feels bad man as usual, but I at least tried and I was able to prove some of my presumptions and preconceived thoughts mostly wrong! It’s something! It’s a big step, an accomplishment for me, don’t downplay it silly me! *pats self on back and proceeds to go in hiding again- no no!* This week is already feeling a little bleak but I just have to toast it up a little, let myself get cosy in this newer environment by just being there and exposing myself to it more. C’mon, I can do it! ^^

Okay onto the actual counselling session, which was yesterday. I literally only just made it on time, phew haha. I was a little anxious going up to the room cause there were some other people around in the corridor but w/e no1currs really and that goes for every other situation everywhere else. When you’re absorbed and focused in what you’re doing like other people are and not constantly looking around and assuming people give a damn (which they don’t) then it’s all good!

Um, anyways she did the typical ‘how are you/have you been’ and I gave her my weekly self scoring sheet but also I told her I forgot to give her that self esteem sheet and presented that too. I told her of my achievements last week and she congratulated me, told me I needed to pat myself on the back more and that she’s glad last week actually helped get me off my butt (she said she felt kinda bad about it too, but not so much now that she saw it had a good effect kind of thing too ^^). I agree last week did help, though I definitely wouldn’t wanna go through that again though lol.

We went over the cycle from before real briefly just as a reminder that actually doing things is the best way to break it and to progress and I have this homework sheet consisting of a table with columns for my preconceived thoughts of a situation (which I am to score with a percentage I believe it), my emotions and feelings that arise, and my uhh re-scores and feelings after actually facing and going through the situation. I haven’t actually looked at the sheet since yesterday so I totally winged the explanation just then lol but it’s about linking thoughts and emotions and that’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m kinda nervous about filling it in and I’m leaving it to the end of the week to do it, which is bad, but I’ll at least know what to put in it better by then hopefully.

We went over some of the things I wrote on the self esteem sheet, some of my examples for the unhelpful negative behaviours and we discussed them for a while but only got through a few. She said she’d go over the other ones next time, we agreed I should continue to do what I did last week but maybe try even harder. (There’s lots of small details in the discussions which I can’t remember properly or can’t place in the right time slot rn oh welp ><”)

Then the session ended there (15 mins early) idk why though. But now that I think about it, maybe there was nothing else left to say or not much plan or other things needed to discuss in particular for the last 3 sessions so maybe just try and stretch what content we have on hand to discuss kind of thing? Or maybe she needed to go somewhere like the toilet? lol who knows xD

I was feeling the session felt pretty short (my explanation also), but wasn’t all that bothered about it tbh, I’m not paying for it or anything and it gave me a little time to do other stuff before meeting with my sis. I plucked up the courage to go to a shop on my own again, I had a few things in mind that I actually wanted to look for which like the counsellor has said before will make it easier to motivate and immerse myself into doing things. I think I might write about this experience on the feelings-thoughts sheet.

So, I went in, a little uneasy at first, but not as much as if it would have been a place I’ve never stepped foot into before. I perused at my leisure and tried my hardest not to be overly conscious of other people around, which I noted to myself do actually going about their own stuff and don’t pay you any mind at all which lessened the nerves a lot. I found some things I wanted, and this was another relief as I always get that niggling feeling that if I leave without buying they’ll think I stole something (but looking around the internets randomly, I came to know that this is a super common feeling which is comforting and I shouldn’t worry about it too much because so what if I didn’t buy anything, I just couldn’t find anything I wanted and that is totally fine!).

Partway in the last leg of my perusing, my sis phoned me and told me to hurry up and all that stuff and it kinda made me feel real antsy. I continued looking though at a slightly faster pace but she ended up calling outside and told me to hurry up even more and was waiting for me outside so I cut my browsing short and hurried to pay and felt pretty down about it. When paying I queued up behind a group of guys and felt self-conscious but well, they no care really and I got over it and ignored the thought.

I went to the self serve till (the only kind open, so I wasn’t avoiding or anything) and proceeded to pay and I’m so glad I know how to use them as we use them most of the time my sis goes to the supermarket with me lol but I still was feeling pretty self-conscious and the ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ still gives me nerves and it happened twice to me but the assistant came over and fixed it straight away without me saying anything (which was a relief because I was feeling a little cowardly by then, but I would’ve been a little prouder of myself for actually asking).

I went with my sis to some other shops after that, I voiced that she was being quite mean on the phone and later she apologised, she was in a pretty bad mood in general and also the car park time wasn’t much and most of the bad feeling was dissolved. We then went to some other other shops with my mum in addition and I went off on my own to peruse which was nice though I couldn’t find anything I wanted, but it’s best not to waste monies on things I don’t need anyways. I got kind of sickly on the way home which wasn’t great but the general day was pretty alright.

There was somewhere else I wanted to go and me and my sis planned to go soon after but it was delayed and later I just kind of chickened out and took a nap instead :/ I was really tired and still sickly feeling though. I hope to get this sorted out this week still though, maybe I’ll tag along with my parents this time round, it’ll be okay! ^^

I also went to see a specialist doctor, I got a phone call for the appointment two days before the actual day (probably someone else cancelled) and I took it. I could’ve said no and waited even longer, but I didn’t, because health is important and should be dealt with asap! I wish I could bring myself to apply this to some of my other worries, but I’ll get there. Anyways it went alright, the typical general treatment route, but at least it’s something, now I’m waiting on my regular doc for the next steps.

The kind of funny thing is though (in reference to my last post or maybe the one before it), is that I have been recommended to take anti-depressants (BUT not for depression) they happen to help with migraines and oversensitivity which affects me all the time pretty much. A lot of medicines help with other conditions they were not primarily made for, I only realised this in the recent years lol. I’m a little wary and I’m hoping that it’ll help, maybe even kill two birds with one stone, but if it doesn’t then oh welp and onto the next thing they recommend. I want to get better every way I can and there’s no harm trying (except maybe side effects ugh) it’s just the stigma thing again, it’s... complicated .__. But it’ll be okay!

In terms of my own art and online dabblings, I actually spent two of the days I did phone orders doodling and editing stuff a little. I wasn’t really going to draw anything seriously but my non serious doodle started off pretty alright and I continued it and finished it, which I kind of felt proud of as usually I start things and never finish them because I get scared to mess it up or think it’s not good enough. It has its flaws of course, I’m such a nit picky person and I know I need to improve, but looking past these things, I really like what I did and am glad I persevered and completed it.

I also tried posting something online, not on here, but I actually did it for once at least! It was nothing amazing, in fact it was really really lame, just a scrawl from another time but I still like it and that’s all that matters, right? Right! I was really struggling over what to write in the descriptions (much like how I spend ages agonising over writing comments) and still keep feeling iffy about what I wrote but it’s actually all fine, so I should stop worrying about it! Hear that silly me? Don’t fret and don’t regret, it’s fine so keep going! :D

Some people (very few) even liked my picture and one person even commented some thumbs up emojis. It’s really nice of them ;w; I don’t think they were bots and I looked at their pages too. The person that commented has a page full of beautiful art and idk I just felt like omg ahhhh they’re so much more amazing then me and super intimidated and wasn’t sure what to do about the comment and still haven’t done anything and it’s been a few days .__.

They probably like loads of peoples stuff though, and also there’s no obligation to have to like their stuff back (though I have a feeling that’s probably why they liked my awful doodle in the first place, to draw attention to their own page, but I shouldn’t assume, that’s bad, maybe they really thought my doodle was okay and kindly wanted to encourage, who knows). I think maybe I’ll like the comment at least, I don’t want to be rude >< I’m just scared that if I do go and like their stuff, I’ll feel obligated to always do it kind of thing, I’m still just so scared of interacting with people (also this person doesn’t speak english it seems and language barriers are my death, but this person didn’t mind it, so uh uh wait I’m being such a baby again ;____;)

I’m seriously overthinking things way too much again!! I get this feeling when I think of people that may have taken their time to read my posts or even the few people that have liked a post or two. I’m seriously very very grateful and would hug you if I could but I don’t know what to do from then and it just keeps swirling and nagging me inside and I’m so sorry >< Overthinking and social awkwardness will surely be the death of me. I need to stop all the uncertainty and what ifs and silly assumptions and just do what I feel! Why is it so hard..? ;^;

I actually got so scared I didn’t post the next small doodle I wanted to, but I need to get over it and just get it done and continue and post the things I’ve really really been wanting to post for months. No one actually cares about all the silly things I think they do, I can’t read minds and I can’t go one thinking that I can. The same for just people in general irl. I was actually a little proud that I was so self-conscious out in public as much recently, that I noticed people are too busy in their own world and that I’m silly for thinking they would expend the brain energy to linger on me negatively. Another mantra sort of thing I’ve been thinking is ‘IDGAF (and no one else does)’ lolol for reals, but it seems to be pretty effective so imma keep it! :>

Losing motivation and becoming disheartened is so easy. I’m going to continue small and simple and build up from there in every aspect and it’ll get easier and I’m gonna keep my grip real tight on that motivation and determination and soak in all my accomplishments no matter how small or insignificant they seem and convert them into even more positive energy! Imma do things!! Imma do lots of things and not get mad at myself even if I don’t manage to do some of them! Baby steps is the way to go! c:

Like always I get a bit apprehensive when writing these or even thinking of doing so, but they are actually very useful! I can sift through and explore my thoughts better now and I can help re-motivate and re-direction myself with them and I even think my writing and expression in general has gotten better! It’s a good thing, it’s an achievement! Be happy silly self! ^^

Worry just makes the world seem all the more scary. Break the cycle, break the cycle, snap it to pieces, crush it into dust and let it fly away in the wind and never return! >< Keep going, reach higher, climb further (without forgetting to take rest stops in between and continue onwards with renewed vigour) past the sky and the stars, you can do it! Moar fancy fancy motivation!! x3

I guess I’ll stop here, I think I’ve got most of the stuff down and there’s stuff I wanna do now that I’ve pieced my motivation back together some ^^ When I go to my drafts to write, I see the to do/dream list I wrote last time and it reminds me of all the things I could do, it definitely needs to be tidied up but it’s nice seeing it! I’m pumped! :3

I hope things go well for myself and everyone out there, go go!

Have a great evening! C:

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #social anxiety #depression #thoughts #feelings #*pats self on back*#feels good man #keep going #break the cycle #don't give a damn about the irrational #do it all for yourself #never regret #no obligations #baby steps #try your best!#onwards to victory!

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theoptimistbellasworld · 6 years ago

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When Adulting Becomes Tiring

Adulting. Quarter life crisis. Never thought that it is an official thing. I know I am going through some crisis or melancholy phase, but I thought I am just overreacting to the change of season in my life.

Millennials like me have experienced an awesome childhood. Life back then was comfortable and simple. Like what I also saw on Facebook a few days ago, they described it as waking up in the morning with our breakfast ready, school uniform already ironed, warm water for our bath, and TV on for the morning news. That, for me, was a stress-free life. No social media. No notifications to check. No worries about whether your message was read, or even seen. No fear of missing out. All you need to worry about is finishing your homework or reviewing enough for the day’s long quiz.

Once school is done, we are in a hurry to go home because we don’t want to miss our favorite afternoon cartoon series. After the leisure of television, just do some of the homework then go out and play outside with friends and cousins. Volleyball, langit lupa, text, pogs, jolen, chinese garter, agawang base, patintero, tumbang preso, luksong baka and more kalye games. We get to play and pick a fight with the kids from the other street, and get to meet new playmates and friends. Real life friends. Our only screen time would be playing the brick game or Super Mario on the family computer. Our favorite past time is to hang out at dusk, with a guitar, playing and singing the songs of our favorite bands: Eraserheads, Parokya ni Edgar, Spongecola, Callalily, Rivermaya, Kamikazee, Silent Sanctuary, MYMP, 6cyclemind, Moonstar88, Hale, Paramore, FM Static, The Red Jump Suit Apparatus, Life House, Boys Like Girls, My Chemical Romance, Goo Goo Dolls, and the list goes ooonnn! (I know you have a lot of bands in your mind, but these are just my favorites. And yah, this is my jam back then. LOL. And friendships are strengthened because of this jam! Haha)

Now we are getting nostalgic huh? But my point is, life, when we were teens, was fine and easy. The words I used a while ago were comfortable, simple, and stress-free. What happened now? Have you felt the transition? Have you noticed that you became fully aware of life and society’s issues? Do the burden and responsibilities seem too much for you now? Same besh. Same. And I realized it is not just because we age, but also because we mature, and times are changing fast. This current generation is so different from ours that causes our transition to be overwhelming.

I read an article from Grace Communion International that explains what is happening. Tho it talks about midlife crisis, I'm pretty sure we can get something from it:

The midlife years have always been a time of reflection. With one’s life supposedly half over, we try to reevaluate who we are and what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Factor in anxiety about growing older and comparisons to others or unattainable standards set by advertising, and it is easy to see how this period of time segued from what was once called the “midlife transition” into a “midlife crisis,” a term introduced in 1965 by psychoanalyst and social scientist Elliot Jaques. How do we cope with all of this midlife melancholy without becoming suicidal?

The roots of these feelings run deeper than emotional dissatisfaction with life. We all want to feel significant in some way—to leave a positive mark on society and those around us. When the midyears hit, we realize many of our youthful dreams will never come true. It can be deeply disappointing. Even if those dreams did come true, it can leave us unfulfilled and wanting more. We are dissatisfied. So either way, almost any path looks better than the one we’ve taken.

We have more, more, more of everything, yet feel less, less, less satisfied.

Mid-lifers search in all the wrong places to fill the void of lost youth, unrealized dreams, or discontentment. Some have an extramarital affair, get plastic surgery, buy a new convertible, or switch jobs — finding out too late that these outward appearances cannot replace the emptiness inside. Perhaps that’s when suicide looks appealing.

Society has made it easy to bail out. Just a handful of pills, an endless sleep and all feelings of inadequacy are over.

But is midlife suicide a solution or a symptom of our modern society? Society tells us we must be happy all the time. Yet society tells us ever so subtly that we will never measure up: We are not young enough, pretty enough, thin enough, rich enough or smart enough. Even religion often makes us feel that we are not good enough and that we do not do enough. This “not enough” syndrome leaves people feeling helpless and hopeless, making the void in their lives seem even bigger.

Source: https://archive.gci.org/articles/mid-life-melancholy/

One of my favorite writer, John Piper, cited an experience of a midlife meltdown in one of his articles:

There is something to men in midlife crisis. I remember one time, I was 40, sitting on the steps halfway through vacation sobbing. Noël comes down the steps. She asked, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I don’t have a clue. I don’t have a clue why I’m so sad.” And that season lasted several years, and the grace was that I could still function.

Source: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/walk-with-me-through-a-midlife-crisis?fbclid=IwAR30LDixYMPJn5X8n-wk1ZGJ2MD0728rrAQf6wGaN08I9Yee2_sjzbseDYo

So you see, this is not something that we just make up because we are too emotional with what is happening in our lives. These things really happen and you are not alone in this struggle.

I tried to enumerate what are the major things that make me worry or anxious. Now, these are just my personal struggles but have heard with friends of the same age that they worry about these things, too. Maybe as you read, you can relate and you can say we are on the same rapids. ;)

Financial Stability

We are no longer students who are just waiting for our allowance and if in case it won’t be enough, we can just ask from our parents anytime. We are professionals now. We work to earn our own money, pay our own bills and to at least give some to our parents. But as the supply increases, the demands are increasing too. Our income doesn’t seem to be enough for the things we need to pay for. And worst, we can’t save for a house and a car, or just even maintain a savings account. We declare that we are financially unstable.

Dreams

“This is not where I am meant to be.”

“I should be this or that.”

“I want to be like him/her”

We have dreams that seem to be impossible to happen or out of our reach. And because of the rejections and disappointments we have experienced, we ended up burying those dreams in the deepest of our hearts.

Settling Down

Settling down is an unspecific way of indicating you have found a life partner and stopped dating or jumping from one relationship to another. But the problem with this generation is, people can’t be contented with the one they are already with. And this is so heartbreaking.

I have heard and seen relationships falling apart only because the other person got interested with someone else and chose to dump the current relationship for a new one. This creates fear or trust issues for some people. Thus, dreaming of settling down becomes the least priority.

Some don’t want to settle down because they think they are not yet ready. They think they are not yet financially and emotionally capable. But we can’t pretend that we do not want it and we do not worry about it. Deep inside we all want to build our own family and go home with the person that will be our “constant” and “forever”. Especially if we are already on our ideal marrying age.

Talents/ Hobbies

I am not sure if I am the only one who gets anxious about this, but do you have a talent or hobby that you really love doing yet because of work and other responsibilities in life, you no longer have the luxury of time to do it? Then when you see someone excellent on that thing, you can’t help but be jealous and wish you can still do it too.

I wrote about these things because I want you to know that you are not alone in this journey. You don’t have to go through it and figure things out all by yourself. Thank God because these things are just for a season. And we can learn a lot from it. That I will share on my next blog. ;)

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lightningcola · 7 years ago

Text

((I said I’d post info on my ocs eventually so here it is lol. Also here’s a link to all art I have posted of them.))

ღBasic Infoღ

Full Name~ Sommy Childs/Booker Meaning~ none

Nickname/Preferred Name~ Sommy

Age~ 24

Age They Look~ 17-19, they age way slower than they should

Birthday~ February 13th Zodiac Sign~ Aquarius

Gender~ nonbinary/agender Pronouns~ they/them Sexuality~ aro/ace

Ethnicity~ generic white

Voice~ nasally, annoying. Loud when they're trying to be Extra™, no particular accent

Known Languages~ English

Theme Song(s)~ Young and a Menace - Fall Out Boy, Monster - Imagine Dragons

Theme Color~ bright green

ღPhysical Appearanceღ

Species~ human Skin color~ pale, pallor, a little sickly

Birthmarks~ none

Hair color~ black and green Hair length~ right above their shoulders, slightly curly and choppy, it grows super fast so they’re constantly trimming it, sometimes they get lazy and it grows out pretty long

Hair Texture~ generally kinda greasy, the dyed part is fried

Hair Dye(s)~ green streak on their left side Eye Color(s)~ dark purple Height~ 5′2 Weight~ 120 lbs but it varies pretty drastically

Body Build~ they’re short but they’re pretty strong

Blood Type~ AB-

Freckles~ none Tattoo/Scar/Piercings~ scars below left eye, right cheek, and hands from being thrown out a window. Scar on neck from getting their head almost chopped off by a couple cult weirdos. It gives them a raspy voice and affects their breathing, they just start wheezing sometimes. Scars on palms from themself. Scar on right shoulder from getting shot and scar on left thigh from getting slashed that causes their arm and leg to get stiff if it gets cold or if they don’t move it for a while. Glasses/Contacts/General Eyesight~ no glasses, good eyesight

Dominant Hand~ right

Scent~ coppery or metallic, hair bleach

ღFashionღ

General Description~dark clothes with collars or scarves

◇Formal◇ Switches between dresses and suits. They prefer dresses that they can run in, normally with long sleeves and a collar to cover up scars. ♧Pajamas♧ T-shirt and boxers usually, their favorite sleep shirt is an old Fogbank one ♤Usual Clothes♤ Turtleneck with black jeans and their usual trench coat, also their terribly edgy boots

ღHealthღ

Smoker?~ heavy Drinker?~ yes Drugs?~ used to do party drugs, due to their healing factor though drugs affect Sommy less and less as the time goes on. Endigo still affects them, though they only take it occasionally since it heightens their abilities then wipes them out for like a whole day, also they get pretty sick afterward, like the world's worst hangover. Issues?~ boi u bet

Allergies~ none

Mental Disorders~ none diagnosed

Physical Disabilities~ none Medication?~ sleeping pills, they have to take like way more than the recommended dose

Addictions?~ smoking, drinking Diet~ whatever's cheapest and closest. Since they use a lot of energy healing, they have to eat a lot more than the usual person.

Sleeping Habits~ They really don’t sleep well ever, they have a lot of nightmares. They actually need more rest than the average person so the lack of sleep double affects them. Sommy lives off mostly coffee and energy drinks. They can really only sleep comfortably when they’re around other people they trust. Because of this they always fall asleep when people hang out with them. Most people think it’s pretty rude, Rinnah especially. Sommy never explains why they fall asleep like that either so that doesn’t help anything. Void and Azariah do their best to accommodate this and often just hang around Sommy so they can actually get enough sleep. Neither really mention that they go out of the way to do this because Sommy would probably get super defensive. Sommy secretly really appreciates it though.

ღLifestyleღ

Bus?~ sometimes Train?~ sometimes Car?~ if they can steal one Others?~ would Love to ride a motorcycle

Neighborhood~ Usually a sad motel or a shitty apartment Upper/Middle/Low~ middle? I guess?

Education Level~ didn’t finish high school

Occupation~ hitman, works for Adelaide, professional older sibling to a bunch of mutant kids

Past Occupations~ bodyguard, courier

Dream Job~ FBI agent

Income~ $30,000 minimum each job

Goals~ not be such a terrible person, make a difference in someone’s life, help all the kids their parents fucked over, kill Adelaide

Living with~ their own self-destructive ass, later they sorta kinda move in with Void.

ღTraitsღ

Optimistic or Pessimist~ pessimist Dangerous or not~ dangerous Daredevil or Cautious~ daredevil Introvert or Extrovert~ extroverted introvert Unorganized or Organized~ unorganized Logical or Emotional~ wants everyone to think they're very logical but they actually get emotional quite a lot Workaholic or Relaxaholic~ neither Confident or Shy~ tries to present themself as confident but it's just false bravo Stressed or Relaxed~ can get overwhelmed easily especially if they’re tired, which is all the time. Normally they’re pretty good at compartmentalizing stress but not all the time.

Timid or Assertive~ assertive but in the most asshole way possible

Loud or Silent~ loud Naughty or Nice~ naughty (not sure how I feel about this wording tho) Bookworm or Not~ not Philosophical or Realistic~ realistic Believer or See to Believe~ see to believe but boi have they seen some shit

ღPersonalityღ

Usual Mood~ Tired™, grumpy, existential despair Habits~ scratching their skin off because they like to watch it heal, falling asleep around others, nail biting (like their hair, their nails grow super fast as well)

Values~ really skewed sense of justice, everyone is bad in some way, they blame themself for their parents' mistakes and do their best to try and fix it at all times Social Skills~ bad, like really bad. They usually come across as arrogant or sarcastic though they can act pretty well if needed. So it's more like they can fake social skills if they care enough but normally they don't

Strength~ good fighter, loyal, very rel8able if you get to know them, would die for you if they could actually die Weaknesses~ bad, mean, addictive personality, won't take their problems seriously ever, blames themself for too much shit, would fight you over nothing Soft Spots~ people who actually care about them, fuzzy socks, cats (they like to feed the stray cats that hang out in the alleys where they stay) Angry when~ someone goes after their friends/family (cliché, I know), being mislead, gaslighted Relaxed when~ with friends, in quiet places, cats Nervous when~ in large crowds, asking people for things, talking about themself

Phobias~ crippling loneliness, the inevitability of life, people they care about hating them

Pet Peeves~ people misgendering them, people hitting on them, people touching them in general, loud drunk guys

Likes~ fighting, funny socks, sitting around with people they like, when they actually get real sleep, cats, they love cats

Dislikes~ nightmares, themself, most of the people they work with, Murder Mom

Natural Talents~ fighting, being weird

Skills~ being the unwilling older sibling to a bunch of random mutant kids

Secrets~ they’re kind of a depressing open book if you ask the right questions, they would tell you most things about themself, they just get really anxious and nervous when they do it

Biggest Secret~ the fact that they’re still alive and who their adopted parents are (they’re hiding from Booker)

Does Anyone Know?~ Void

Regrets~ their entire life

ღFavoritesღ

Color~ bright green, black, muted greyish colors

Season~ fall

Holiday~ Halloween

Food~ anything home cooked

Animal~ cats

Book Genre~ mystery/thriller

Movie Genre~ horror

Music~ emo bs, Fogbank but only on the dl

ღLeast Favoritesღ

Color~ any bright color that’s not green

Season~ Summer

Holiday~ Valentine’s day

Food~ gas station sushi, they keep buying it and it keeps making them wicked sick

Animal~ rats

Book Genre~ romance

Movie Genre~ romance

Music~ sappy love songs

ღPowerღ

Type of Power~

Hemokinetics: they can control their own blood and any they touch. Usually, they form stake-like weapons since they're the easiest to make though they can make sharp edged weapons as well. Anything complex takes more energy and focus. They can only lose so much before they pass out from blood loss though they can absorb other people’s blood. Sommy can also sense injuries and illness in others and track people. They can also warm and cool their body temperature which allows their emo ass to wear their trenchcoat in the middle of summer.

Healing Factor: they heal faster than a normal human, but not at Deadpool or Wolverine levels. A cut or scrape takes anywhere from a minute or two to an hour or two to heal, bigger wounds take maybe a couple days. Cracked bones take about a day and broken bones can take up to a week depending. The problem with their healing is they can heal wrong very easily, like shattered bones can cause bone fragments to get lodged in muscle or joints which cause a lot of pain and they’re really hard to get out, bones can heal crooked which means Sommy has to re break them. When they were younger, they healed by producing a lot of scar tissue which is why old injuries still affect them/get stiff and stuff. They assume they got some bad internal injuries when they were a kid because they just get stabbing pains or they cough up blood. They know they can’t die from this but it scares the fuck out of Void. Sommy also can’t really have surgery or anything unless they counteract their healing ability, which they can do but since they still have old internal injuries they get pretty fucked up from that. They’re immune to blood borne illnesses but they can still get colds, the flu, stuff like that, they just recover faster. If they get too injured and don’t have enough energy to heal, their body starts to eat away at itself, if it gets too bad they go into a coma like state.

Other: They’re immune to mental manipulation from other anomalies, often the result is the feeling like someone is scraping at their brain. It’s not unbearable just uncomfortable and annoying. This goes for all anomalies.

Flaws~ they have to keep account of how much blood they've lost or else they will Die™, their healing factor will fuck them up if they’re not careful Accuracy~ relatively accurate? Control~ they're really good at the crude stakes and blades but anything too complex is difficult even if they're not fighting, though they get better with practice, they’re working on a claw thing

ღWeaponღ

Choice of Weapon(s): •hunting knife •handgun •shotgun, if they wanna get fancy Favorite/Main Weapon~ handgun Control~ pretty good Accuracy~ they are a great shot Flaws~ they always frickin run out of ammo because they never bring enough, they usually have to use a gun or something if they don’t plan on killing the person because they’d rather not show them their freaky blood power

ღRelationsღ

Mother~

Carol Childs. Sommy's birth mother, she was not ready for a kid and didn't want one either. She mostly liked to watch Sommy react from her yelling at them. She wasn't pure evil but she didn't have many good qualities either. She was the enforcer and the business part of the family business.

Joyce Booker. A police lieutenant, Joyce turned to adopting kids after witnessing too many shipped off to foster care. She tried her best in raising Sommy and Ophelia, giving them all the help she could think of, though she could be too over enthusiastic and overbearing at times. Sommy regrets not telling her how much they appreciated her. She was the kind of mom that the kid thinks is a little embarrassing but everyone else thinks is really cool.

Father~

Lyle Childs. He was a master scientist, the creator of the drug that caused Sommy’s powers. Sommy would have loved to hate him but he didn't interact with them long enough for them to know anything about him. Though Sommy did look him up after they were adopted, reading up on all of the terrible stuff he did.

Craig Booker. He was a quiet man, always worried about saying something wrong. However, he did love his children and tried to express that as much as he could, even when Sommy had gotten into Another fight and he had to go pick them up early from school again. Sommy liked just sitting with him because they felt like they didn't have to talk or say that everything was great.

Sister~

Ophelia Booker. She was 3 years older than Sommy, however, they both got along like they had known each other forever. They could talk to each other about all the stuff that had happened to them. Ophelia supported Sommy any way she could and Sommy did their best to lend a hand in Ophelia's cyborg rights activism. Even after they ran away, Sommy still donated to her cause every year. People would try to convince Ophelia that they were dead but she wouldn't listen and continued to look for Sommy for years. She was eventually rightfully pissed off when she found out they were still alive and had been hiding from her for years.

Cousin~

Connie “Void” Greenglass. Sommy and Void didn't really talk outside family get together's before Sommy disappeared. To be fair, Void was 3 years younger than them. However, they reunited after Sommy found them 7 years later. In that time, Void was working as a reporter, mostly writing fluff pieces, waiting for a big story. Sommy brought them the story of a criminal empire that had its fingers in almost every facet of the city. After minor convincing, Void agreed to write the story as long as they managed to dig up enough evidence. In their “investigation” time they saw more shit than they ever wanted. One of the worst times was when Sommy got their side ripped open by the guy they were supposed to be following. Void is a bit of a doormat and doesn't really call Sommy out on a lot of the shit they probably should. They also promise Sommy not to tell Ophelia about what they've been doing, which really does not go over well when Ophelia eventually finds out.

Friends~

Rinnah Iyver. Sommy and Rinnah don't get along due to their clashing personalities and the fact that Sommy's super annoying. Also due to the fact that Rinnah knows they’re involved with Endigo. Since her father was killed due to her mother’s inability to pay back her debt owed to Loorka, and her mother was in debt because of her drug addiction, Rinnah tends to blame the substance and anyone related to it. However, they both kind of have to get along because Sommy is best friends with Rinnah’s brother and Rinnah is dating Sommy's sister.

Cypher Nox. Sommy has a weird feeling around him, like someone’s scratching the back of their brain every time he talks, also they can't shake the feeling that he looks really familiar. Despite this they both get along well enough, often bonding over traumatic childhoods which Cypher is really cryptic about.

Viper Anguis. Sommy deemed Viper the “coolest” of the group. They often join him and Cypher for a drink. They also like to spar with him because he's a skilled hand to hand fighter due to his experience in an underground fight club.

Lacy Rosecrans. Sommy met her after hearing reports of weird mass mood fluctuations. After investigating the area they found Lacy, an anomaly with empathic abilities that she couldn’t control. Since she was one of the first anomalies Sommy had found at that point, and the most understanding and, well, normal, they bonded pretty quick, Sommy being like an older sibling to her. They both talk often and Sommy will do whatever is within their power to help her when she occasionally loses control over her abilities.

Asher Iravit. One of Void’s closest friends, after he told them about his ability to turn invisible, Void introduced him to Sommy. Ash is a bit too goofy for Sommy but they get along well, especially with having Void as a sort of buffer. He’s often called to “babysit” Sommy by Void when they’re especially worrying them.

Margot Mentior. She’s a counterfeiter who provides Sommy with passports, fake IDs, and other documents. They both met when she tried to ask Sommy out at a bar, after declining, Sommy and her began talking. They found out both their jobs were outside the law and Sommy did their best to warn her about Adelaide. Margot appreciated the advice and offered Sommy a discount if they ever needed her services. They stayed in contact and she is one of the few people Sommy trusts almost absolutely.

Best Friend~

Azariah Iyver. Sommy saved his life after he was attacked by a couple assholes. He lost an eye but probably have lost more if Sommy hadn't stepped in and kicked their asses. After recovering, Azzy realized he had never thanked the person who had saved his life. Using his computer skills and connection to other hackers, he tracked Sommy down. They didn't remember saving him and he didn't bring it up. They talked for a long time online. They told him about Adelaide and he convinced them to do something about her. Azzy is probably the only one who believes Sommy has the capability to change for the better.

Enemies~

Adelaide Creed. Originally Sommy viewed her as a parental figure. She taught them the ins and outs of the criminal business and started to groom them to be the second in command of her empire. After a while though, Sommy realized that she really wasn't as nice as she had originally seemed. They realized she was a monster. Adelaide had made Sommy her project and spent her time gaslighting and manipulating them into what she wanted.

Other~

Needlehands. He's a back alley monster doctor who does as much experimentation on his patients as he does actually fixing them. After his creator died, Needlehands tried to continue his work. He met Sommy when they were bleeding out from, what looked like, a half decapitation. He was amazed how they were still alive and patched them up. After finding out about their abilities, he just wanted to study them further. Needlehands made a deal with Sommy, he'd fix them up and help them out and they would let him look into what actually happened to them in regards to their abilities. After a while, Needlehands began to get really protective over them so now Sommy has a monster dad. He also helps Sommy research Endigo, its effects and a way to counter it.

Lewis “Trace” Harvey. He's a mediocre hacker employed by Adelaide. Sommy started blackmailing him to get him to do things for them. He's a disrespectful, insensitive asshole but Sommy has to put up with him if they want anything techy. However, after they meet Azzy they planned on killing Trace to make sure he didn't spill any info on them. Lucky for him, Void stepped in to watch him which they later regret.

Hydrea “Drea” Vannie. She is obsessed with Sommy, constantly trying to be their girlfriend. Too bad for her, Sommy absolutely despises her. They would love to kill her but Drea’s dad is a high ranking politician and she's also employed by Adelaide. Sommy assumes she was hired just to annoy them as Adelaide has said she finds her “very amusing”.

Johnny Clayborn. He also works for Adelaide and is one of the few people that genuinely scare Sommy. After he first got hired, Sommy was tasked to follow and observe his methods. Turns out he’s a cannibal that eats most of the people he kills and dissolves the rest. His love of zombies and weird, quiet nature really doesn’t help the unbelievably creepy vibe he gives off at all times. Sommy tried to hide the fact that he scared the piss out of them, especially when he kept inviting them for dinner.

Crushes~

none

Past Relationships~ none

Current Relationship~

none

Relationship Status~

single, forever

ღLifeღ

Birth/Infancy~ Sommy's birth parents were about as criminal as you could get. Involved in drug cooking, they were both hailed as geniuses due to their creation of a new drug, named Endigo. Taken as an adult, the side effects could vary from sleep paralysis type hallucinations to seizures. However, children exposed before birth and who have suffered traumatic events can develop brain anomalies leading to strange abilities and for some reason, strange eye color.

Childhood~ Sommy was involved in their parents' drug manufacturing, doing small tasks like packaging and the like as soon as they were able. They saw more than their fair share of shit during that time though they don't remember much. When they were 9, their parents were caught and arrested. Sommy seemed to be headed for an orphanage when they were adopted by a couple, the Bookers. Mrs. Booker was the Sergeant involved in the arrest of Sommy's birth parents. Along with new parents, Sommy now had a sister as well, Ophelia Booker, she was 2 years older than them. The Bookers did their best to take care of Sommy and help them recover. Teenhood~ Sommy was a handful as a teenager. They were rebellious and often lashed out at those around them because they didn't know what else to do. Their parents tried to curb this behavior by signing them up for fighting classes, hoping that they wouldn't have to fight other kids then. In this time Sommy's powers were also developing, though they keep this mostly to themself in fear of being seen as a freak, especially by their new family. They didn't want their irrational fear of being abandoned because of being so terrible to come through. At the age of 16, both Sommy's parents were killed in a home invasion gone wrong. They were out with their sister at the time. They always suspected there was more to it than that though. A lot of evidence just didn't add up. Infuriated by everything getting swept under the rug, Sommy ran away hoping to find out the truth. AdultHood~ After killing the man who was directly responsible for their parents' death, Sommy realized that they couldn't go back home to Ophelia like this. They viewed themself as a horrible person and was at a loss of what to do with their life. They felt like they didn’t deserve their adopted family’s love so they started using the Childs name again. Spiraling down, they started taking jobs as bodyguards for low lives and then that escalated to doing hit jobs. During that time, they made friends with a monster of a back alley doctor nicknamed Needlehands who did just as much experimentation on people as he did actually patching them up. Obviously, Sommy raised him up to be their father figure. They also fell into business with a woman named Adelaide Creed. She ran an empire on the backs of criminals, getting her hands on anything she could use to further her power and wealth. As more of a personal project, she warped Sommy's sense of purpose and self-image and gaslighted them until they couldn't remember the person they used to be. She wanted Sommy to be her successor, especially after finding out about their abilities. Eventually managing to snap out of the bloody haze they had been in for seemingly years, Sommy realized how much of a monster Adelaide really was. They decided they needed to tear her down from the inside. It was around this time that Sommy started to notice vague reports about kids with strange abilities. Realizing there were more people like themself, Sommy started looking for answers, eventually realizing it was their parent’s drug that was causing the anomalies. They took it upon themself to help these kids and keep them out of the government’s, or anyone’s radar. By blackmailing a chemist with reports of him falsifying results causing children's deaths, Sommy managed to get a sort of reverse version of Endigo that nullified abilities for a short while. They still had all their parents research that they had stolen years ago. Sommy killed the chemist after he gave them instructions on how to make the stuff. They then set out to help as many kids as they could because if they weren’t gonna do it who was? They also saw it as fallout from their parents, which fell on them to clean up.

OldHood~ Sommy continues to deal with the anomalies even after they outlive everyone they had known. Due to their healing ability, they can’t really die and just focus on moving forward and doing what they can.

#oc #oc stuff #sommy #oc profiles #oc profile #oc bio #oc info #original character

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queerprincessfromhell-blog · 8 years ago

Note

Do all of the emoji asks!!

omg that are so many /o\

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Idk I don’t think there is anything and even if there was Im pretty sure I wouldn’t want to post in on the internet?

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

This is probably about someone I wouldn’t normally hug but it’d just be someone I adore like a good friend or my boyfriend. Maybe someone I haven’t seen/hugged in a while like Resa or Isi or Bekki? Idrk I actually do hug almost anyone when I get the chance.

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

My only Pokémon experience has been playing Pokémon GO for a few weeks tbh but I thought Evoli were pretty cute and I liked Glumanda and Bisasam I think? Oh and Shiggy!

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

A mess. I shouldn’t be in charge of anything, I’d just make it worse :’D

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

Uhm…idk I thik I had one a couple months back but I don’t remeber what it was but when I was a kid I dreamt there wuld be a huge police car in our flat and it took me like three years to be sure it was just a dream.

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

That she always just wants good and that she always cares for other people

😘 talk about your crush or partner

He’s super adorable and he gives the best kisses. He is very consistent in his opinions, he can draw, he actually manages to make me feel good enough for him, he is kinda obsessed with some things including fob and Harvest Moon. When he talks about drawing or colours or pecils or something like that his whole face lights up and he gets really happy and excited, that’s super cute. He makes fun of me for everything but never in a way I would feel bad about. He’s super emo but also a literal sunshine, you just have to be happy when you’re around him. Also he radiates so much energy I don’t even know why. He has the best hair ever and super warm eyes (like…they look warm. Colour-wise. Not the temperature, you know? :’D) and he has freckles which looks ridiculously good. And he has the best smile ever.

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

yes

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

I think I like my voice, like when I hear it in voice notes or something? Also my eyebrows and that I hug people a lot.

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

That it doesn’t matter whether i’m there or not, whenever I feel like people don’t care when or even if I’m there it is the worst to me. But tbh I don’t know how to overcome it, I mostly just cry a lot and try to convince myself it’s not true.

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

Baking or dying my hair. Both stress me out a lot sometimes, especially when it doesn’t turn out the way I want it to but in the end the process makes me happy even if the outcome doesn’t. Also being in the sunshine.

💙 what annoys you about some people?

That they think they can get away with anything.

😤 do you get angry easily?

Depends on the topic. On some things I’ll explode immediately, with others it will take a lot.

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

I don’t actually daydream that much but i think about my boyfriend so much it’s kinda ridiculous, so if that counts as well…

And when I daydream it’s mostly about sunshine or something atm because it’s winter and I really want it to be light and warm again

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

I would make people care more. About other people, animals, the environment etc

I would also make it easier for people to be open about the things they want to but are too afraid to.

And I would make everyone have basic human rights and necessities

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

I can’t really do tha bc you didn’t send any names

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

I don’t know, I really like big cities in general, for the atmosphere and the vibe they give off, I’d like to visit as many as possible in my life, as well in Germany as in the rest of the world. But I can’t imagine to go away from cologne forever, I’d always come back here I think.

☕️ talk about your ideal day

I don’t really have one ideal version of a day, I love days I spend with my friends walking around cologne or sitting in a park, I love days I spend with my best friend in her bed, watching something or being on Tumblr, I love days I spend with my boyfriend, sitting in a cafe and have breakfast or drink coffee or sitting at home cuddling and watching something, sometimes I like days I spend baking a cake that is way to complicated for my baking skills…tbh there’s a ton of things that make a day ‘ideal’

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

Ambivert I guess

💧 when was the last time you cried?

two hours ago

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

Sparks Fly - Taylor Swift

Summertime - My Chemical Romance

In Between - Linkin Park

In Pieces - Linkin Park

The Only Hope For Me Is You - My Chemical Romance

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

Making people see how it really is, because on the one hand it’s so sad when people beat themselves up about something they misinterpreted and stuff like that and on the other hand I hate it when people act so careless because they don’t see what they’re doing

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

Stand up for yourself and what you care about! You don’t always have to hide. Also who cares about ‘friends’ who only make you feel bad? You don’t need them.

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

People who are able to propely interact with other people without always feeling weird or wrong

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

I’m not sure whether this is about what I would want to have more of, compared to the amount I have now or comapared to each other so I’m going to answer it compared to how it is now.

I’d really like to be more brave, I’m such a chicken for literally anything even though I’m trying to work on that. Also I don’t really want wealth in like, being wealthy but if neither of my parents would have to be worried about money ever again that’d be great.

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

I don’t really have one thing that I could name, sometimes there’ll be a thing I’m ashamed of and then I’ll try to forget about it :’D

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

I speak German and English and I’m learing Latin in school. I’d like to be fluent in English and I also want to learn Dutch someday.

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

I think I’d like to be Luna Lovegood’s friend. Or Tonks‘.

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

I do’t think I understand the question :o I like stars and planets and stuff a lot and I love to read (nonfiction) about space if that’s what you mean :D

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

I always try to randomly compliment people, hoping it will brighten up their day. Also I’ll buy some flowers for a friend of mine later.

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

Maybe a angel because they have wings? idk, I like to be human actually

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

I don’t wana talk bad about people like that

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

I’d rather not actually because more people could read that than I’d be comfortable with

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

I wanted to be a teacher and an interior designer and a princess and a doctor and a lawyer….it changed a lot :’‘D right now I’m not really sure but I’d like to study social pedagogy or psychology or something and work with children

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

Cotton Candy and every kind of cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

Nothing at the moment, which is quite weird because I haven’t been obsessed with nothing for years. Maybe baking but not really

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

I get easily annoyed and I cry a lot

😪 what are you sick of?

idk nothing in particular I think. It happens that I can’t stand something atm tho

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

Ususally not, even though I like it a lot.

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

I don’t even know which opinions are popular, I just see/read something and either agree or not

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

Well I wouldn’t consider myself a bad person but I’m rying to become a better person

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

Reading, sometimes I try to draw but it’s never good, I like singing a lot…

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

Puhh I don’t remember, I do that pretty much all the time.Mabe Mr Brightside by The Killers?

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

I forget sometimes that other people are a person each on their own as well, I tend to generalize them (especially when I don’t know them that well/don’t talk to them that often) by accident and I try to consciously think about them as indivuals with feelings and stuff

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

hearts, stars, boxes, people…pretty much anything

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

nothing

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

I had to google what this is and I just made a test and tbh, I don’t know :’D Apparentliy I’m ISFP-T, whatever that means

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

you didn’t send any people :(

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

Gerard Way, Carrie Fisher and Gronkh because they have all created/been part of things I love a lot and have loved for a long time and all of them are actually good people

🐴 opinion on __?

again you didn’t send anything, sorry xD

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

I can be quite emotional but I am not necessarily. That really depends on the situation.

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

Loveletters to the Dead by Ava Dellaira

The Bookthief by Markus Zusak

Ein kalter Strom by Val McDermid

but I don’t know any quotes, I’m sorry :’D

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

I mostly cry, that helps sometimes and if that doesn’t help I try to distract myself. That helps most of the time.

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

That it is never as bad as it seems or at least it will be over soon

🌍 which country do you live in?

Germany

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

kind, affectionate, stubborn

🐵 which quotes changed you?

I don’t think there’s any quote that changed me as a person

💭 do you keep a diary?

I treid a few times but it never worked

💫 who inspires you?

Valerie inspires me to work on becoming the best version of myself

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

Yes, why not?

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

Pretty much everything black plus a lot of oastel things/things with lace/squares

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

I don’t really like films but Deadpool was nice, I like Star Wars, Pirates of the Carribean, Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the chocolate factory and I recently started watching xmen with my boyfriend, they were good as well

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

being at my grandma’s and going outside with my sister to play that game we always played when we were there and going to the funfair with my grandma…tbh pretty much anything related to my grandma, she was the person who was most important to me as a child

🐱 what’s your dream pet like?

Either a cat or a dog but definetly very cuddely :D

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be?

I’d love to meet The Doctor tbh, not to be his companion or anything, just meet him :D

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drugrattes-blog · 8 years ago

Text

repost don’t reblog!

tagged by: @overoutrage ( yells thank u ) tagging: steal it if u want we can be thieves ... together...

GENERAL

name: vera birthday: 16 / 06 sexual orientation: hetero p much ye ye school status: third year of highschool ( idk how it is in english lmao ... )

YES/NO

drink?: i taste n’ try smoke?: nope eat cake?: when i can, yes! believe in true love?: frankly i’ve never had any kind of experience and i’m still sixteen so? i don’t know? i’m not even rushy about it lmao, i just wanna have a super chill relationship when it comes, if it comes soon enough. so my answer is shrug emoji afraid of the dark?: not really cat person?: i love ducks fuck me on a fridge ( yes i love cats & i have one too ) virgin?: yepperoni

FAVORITES

shampoo: anything cheap for curly hair disney song: friends on the other side - princess & the frog / hellfire - the hunchback of notredame !! actress/actor: jake gyllenhaal, edward norton, emma stone and um... idk !! car: i dont care about cars enough person: ahh eh... irl people? i dont have favourites ( im sorry im not good at socializing ) but i quite like my friend sofia, my two friends rebecca’s ( they’re named both rebecca yes ) and most of my female classmates, along with diego i think, and my mom’s boyfriend type of weather: i hate all weathers. all of them. but i like slightly chilly weather color: salmon pink -- tho i love all colors 90s sitcom: i never watched any... :’)

QUESTIONS

what is your special talent/skill as a roleplayer? do i even have any tbh. i just write whatever flows to me? i try to both be active, as in i try to write and make sure my muse does something ( unless the thread’s based heavily on thoughts / speech / psychological stuff ) , all while still trying to make sure their emotions and thoughts show. im not sure if im good at achieving that but well, i have fun writing, and i like what i write, so it’s okay, i think?

what is your favorite type of roleplay genre, and why? fluff... cute shit... romantic ... friendships... but also DEVELOPMENT! i also have a soft spot for gore-heavy themes ( physical stuff more than the psychological sutff, tho i’d like to explore that maybe? sometime? maybe by drabbling for myself smth ) , and i like making my muses grow, even if subtly. i also live for threads that involve arguing that leads to somewhere, even arguing that leads nowhere, tho, if that makes sense. AND FUNNY COMEDIC SHIT, I LIVE FOR THAT, I LOVE WRITING FUNNY THINGS!! all while hoping its not fun just for me ofc lmao

why did you pick your muse? oh man, joan was just a side-character to another muse? franziska? but then i thought, hey, what about i try to rp this jackass, and whoops. there she is, miss america. i’m debating wether or not trying to give her some sort of story or just keep her as a ‘mascot’, i don’t know, but she’s being put so much effort in it feels almost like... voidly to me to just do nothing else with her. she’s just so fun to write and draw.

if you could write any other muse - but know you don’t have the muse for him/her - who would it be? a lot. a lot of my ocs. my dr ocs, my psg ocs, my indie ocs, the trash sisters convict & trash star along with the clumsy dj double, sandra, mr. zoe!! and tracy and all of my muses from my own canon! and lilith and wolfie aahh even if lilith and wolfie are quite nsfw due to the fact they’re prostitutes so-- i mean, in short, i’d write a LOT of muses, if i could. i have a lot of ocs.

what is one thing you think you need to work on as a partner? heck im terrible at convos? like i’m shit bc i tend to drop them at some point, if i dont feel like replying... or just dont know HOW to reply. plus i drop silently threads, im a bit guilty abt that, even tho i think it’s necessary for me to decrease stress sometimes. i mean its not a bad thing but?? im too anxious to go up and say ‘hey wanna do another thread bc im dropping x this one’ just ? HECK

what would be your warning label to other roleplayers? im a fluff monster and i fucking love ducks oh my god

what is your favorite episode/scene of your muse? oh man. oh man. i dont have it... yet. i mean, there is one, but it has yet to happen. i’m plannin’ it tho. also tbh, joan’s relationship with drugs is in general... my fav thing. like it may seem such a filmsy reason to others as to why she does drugs, but for me? i think it’s essential. i’ve watched movies and read stories about drug addicts that got into it the way a kid usually gets into cigarettes -- either to be part of the group or either because they needed some relief, a detachment from reality, and like... it’s always been interesting to me. i’ve never did this kinda stuff, heck, ofc i don’t plan to out of my simple choice ( cigarettes mostly, drugs r srs danger wtf ) , but i’m trying my best to interpret this mindset of joan. plus the fact she’s been actually influenced by her own interests to do so, to be like others in order to stick around others, is interesting in itself. along with joan and her parents’ relationship, and their subtle pressure they put on her, unknowingly. it’s just. whoa. fucking hell.

what crack!ships do you have for your muse? joan and rehab, joan and mac and cheese, joan and an healthy ring of friends, joan... joan and cats as a hateship.

what is your senpai blog? none! i consider everyone equals to me wtf.

#|| who's this fuck ( ooc ) ||#AAAAAAA THIS WAS FUN..#and long.#|| ooc ||

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surveys4ever · 3 years ago

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What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? I put red bell peppers in the breakfast burritos we had for dinner last night!

What was your last Facebook notification for? Someone requested to join a group I admin.

What bands have you seen live? Sadly I haven’t seen many bands live. Last ones I saw were Paramore and X Ambassadors!

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: Ummm...she got weight loss surgery a few years ago.

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? My dad left and my mom remarried and had a bunch more kids she likes more than me.

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Cheesecake, broccoli, water, atheists. Now cheesecake is my favorite, I love broccoli, water is the only thing I drink, and I AM an atheist.

What are your plans later today? I have to shower and make dinner. Other than that idk.

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? Sadly probably not. Beebs works so I’m probably just gonna work on a sewing project or something.

Who do you talk to the most? My husband or our dog!

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Go on TikTok.

Who is your best guy friend(s)? My husband!

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’m good where I’m at!

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? It depends on the scar and its placement. I’d probably get it removed tho.

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Nope! Last one was in the 9th grade.

Do you think your first love still loves you? I’d sure hope so.

What is something that is “going right” in your life? We’re debt free for the first time since we got married, my husband is fixed, and we just finished getting a bunch of repairs done on our car!

When did you feel ready to start dating? I don’t think there was a moment I decided I was ready...it just happened!

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? I mean...she’s never bitten me maliciously! Just playfully.

Where were you the last time you made out? In bed I believe.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? When a company I’ve loved forever sent me a massive PR box with so much more than I could have ever expected. I sat on the kitchen floor and cried.

How do you type your sad smileys? :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? Nah!

What was the last soda you drank? I had a coke slushie earlier!

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? I’m not sure! It was probably something silly my husband was teasing me for.

Have you ever had any type of surgery? No, thank god.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Yeah. It’s their body!

Who was the last person to hit on you? Some weirdo on the internet told me my bellybutton must smell like roses.

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? Shower..oops.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? I don’t know!

What do you put on hot dogs? Mayo, ketchup, mustard, and cheese.

Ever fallen in the shower? Slipped but not fallen!

Do you think that things will get better? I really hope so!

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? Yup.

What’s your favourite book genre? I don’t know if I have one!

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? I almost walked out of Toy Story 4 because the people behind us were so goddamn rude and their kid kept pulling my hair.

Do dogs like you? Oh hell yeah.

Would you say that you project an air of authority? Maybe? I’m a bossy Capricorn so I exude some level of leadership but I’m also not comfortable being in charge of anyone.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Absolutely not.

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? Two! One for my hair and one for my body.

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? Nope!

Who do you know that had a baby recently? Um! Lots of Facebook friends but no one personally.

Do you like Usher’s songs? Eh! They’re alright.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? Oh god. Like 15 years ago.

Have you ever ridden a train? When I was a young tot, yes!

What do you eat your French fries with? Depends on the fry! Ranch is usually my favorite.

Do you have family problems? Hahahahaha....hahahaha...yes. So fucking many.

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? I don’t know? I don’t eat stale food very often.

How do you like your grilled cheese? Extra cheesy with tomato soup!

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? Pasta aglio e olio!

What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Spend time with my grandma!

Have you ever been close to drowning? Nope.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Ugh, many times. They are terrifying.

Do you like doing housework? Sometimes! Other times I’d rather do l i t e r a l l y anything else.

Would you ever get implants? I want a breast lift but I’m afraid to go under anesthesia.

Do you own a robe? A few, yeah!

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yup, but that’s none of your beeswax.

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? If it’s dominos, I just toss it but if it’s anything else, I’ll eat it!

What was the last song you listened to? I Don’t Wanna Wait by Paula Cole.

Have any of your family members been to jail? In laws, yes!

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Yeah, sadly.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? Yup! Kindergarten.

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? Probably having to give up my childhood to be the big sister. I’m inherently motherly, I take care of everyone, but I have no desire to be a mother.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Just my wisdoms!

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? I wanted to be famous.

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I feel like I watch all of the shows that interest me!

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? Uh...no.

What is your favorite Queen song? Fat Bottomed Girls!

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? Well yeah but I mean...I’m not sure what there is to know about it? You go to the bank, exchange your money for the other money, and then spend it as you see fit. It’s a lot easier to just use your bank card tho.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? Nope!

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? Yeahhhh, sadly. My period is a little bitch who likes to show up late a lot and I’m an anxious mess so I usually take tests to give me some peace of mind while I wait.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? I’m never at a loss of what to do!

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? We went to a theme park! It was absolutely magical.

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? Inside out and Just Friends! We saw Inside Out by ourselves, with my husband’s best friend, and then with my family just because it was so fkn good. And then my best friend at the time was obsessed with Ryan Reynolds and saw it I think like 10 times by herself, 2 of which were with me.

What is the reason you’re still alive? My heart is still pumping?

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? I’ve had sex in my parents’ hotel room while they were down at the pool...sorry mom.

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? I never brush my hair except for right after a shower. I have curly hair and brushing it is the literal worst thing you can do.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) I don’t believe so!

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Yes and yes!

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Bleary! My husband was calling me to wake me up.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? I do, even when I don’t really want to.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Friends and family, yeah.

Would you date someone with a physical disability? I mean, I'm married, but in a theoretical world where I was single, that wouldn’t be something that would deter me if I loved someone.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? He has not!

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Purple! That was only like 2 weeks ago.

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? We did!

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? 20%, actually!

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? I’ve only ever gone to Reddit because Google suggested it to me to answer a question I had.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? I was only 4 but I guess I was my mom’s maid of honor/flower girl at her wedding.

Are your parents in good health? My mom is but my dad has high cholesterol and bad back pain. Nothing super serious tho.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? Nope!

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? Not that I’m aware of but most medications have weird affects on me. NyQuil makes me hallucinate, Novocaine makes me loopy, and oui’d makes me see shit, so?

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? I really just wear a T-shirt and shorts to bed.

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? All my pillow cases rn are vintage and I love them!

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? I just have really sensitive feet and every pair rubs them raw or causes blisters/bleeding so they usually hurt.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Spiders, definitely.

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? I had acrylics for a year! I don’t remember the last set I had on tho.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American.

#survey

0 notes

sophxxe · 5 years ago

Text

When I went to primary school I used to be the outsider of the class, nobody wanted to talk to me and when they did it was always something mean.

I thought that maybe it’ll change when I’m going to a new school so when I got to my new school I felt amazing, I truly believed that now I could be a part of the class. But already on my first day kids in my class called me fat. By that time I sure had too much weight but what gave them the right to say something about it?

My mum told me to ignore what they say, so I tried. But every day I heard the same shit about how I am too fat, that I should lose weight so as a result of that “soft” bullying I started to eat more. As one year passed by people would beat me up and throw my supplies in the trash, I got kicked, beat down and many other horrible things.

I thought maybe I deserve this because I’m just not a good human being; so I accepted their behavior and went to school everyday.

As another year passed by things got even worse they’d called me names, abused me and told me to go kill myself. All those things made me super super uncomfortable in my own body. So when we had PE class I’d always hid so nobody could see how fat i was. But then even teachers started to tell me that I should do more sports and that i need to lose weight, that I’ll never be able to do those PE exercises because I’m too fat for it. Other teachers told me that I’m unworthy because I’m from another country and that I’ll never get my degree. So when I started failing classes I just knew that they were all right. My teacher told me that I have to retake my class to stay at this school and I was so anxious to tell my mum about it that I went to my school psychologist.

I told her that I’m scared to tell my mum and that i didn’t wanted to disappoint her, little did she know that the actual cause of this anxiety was 3 years of bullying.

So when my class had a one week trip I decided that I would go with them to maybe get a bond to some of them. I felt comfortable because I lost 8kg before this Trip, but it still didn’t stop them from bullying me. So in the evening when they were playing games with the whole class I was in my room and cried. Some people came in my room and when they saw me crying all they said was “why don’t you just end it right now and do us all a favor?” The next day I found a knife in the kitchen and cut myself. My roommate (also one of my bullies) saw that I was hiding the knife under a pillow and told my teachers. So they came up to me but instead of helping me they just send me home. My mother was so disappointed in me that she didn’t spoke to me.

So I changed schools. My depression and anxiety still remained tho. So I created an Instagram account to talk to people who feel the same way. I got to know a boy who actually lived in my town so we met up and fell in love. I was so happy that I almost forgot my worries. But one day I received a message; it was a suicide letter he commited suicide.

I thought It was a joke and deleted those messages (including his suicide letter) but it wasn’t. To that day I still hate myself for it.

This broke me completely I started cutting and stopped caring about myself.

I tried to commit suicide two times, the first time I took all medication I could find in our house in hopes of an overdose but I just threw everything up. The second time I tried to take sleeping pills and drank vodka with it but I also just threw up. My parents still don’t know anything about those suicide attempts.

In my new school was I guy I liked so I texted him. He told me he’d need sex to see if I’m worthy of a relationship. When I told him that I’m not going to have sex with him he said nudes are enough. So I sended him pictures of me in underwear. Eventually when I got to class the next day everyone had those pictures. I felt humiliated and I couldn’t even tell my parents about it. Everyone in my school had those nudes. I got bullied every day and I know that it was my fault because i sended those pictures. I trusted him. All I wanted was to end my life. So I tried to commit suicide a third time. I’m not going to explain how but I can confirm that I failed a third time.

So when I slowly recovered from my loss I wanted to meet some guys, to feel loved and maybe get emotional validation. I always told them what happened to me and they abused my naivety. One guy who I was out with got me in his car, we met before and he seemed nice so I didn’t think he would do something to me. But he did; he forced me into oral and undressed me (all in his car) I didn’t wanted to be rude so I just did what he wanted. When I got out I thought it was my fault. I thought if I wouldn’t have given him those signs he would’ve done it. I still fear when someone touches me that something like this is going to happen a second time.

After that I met a cute guy, he wasn’t about sex or anything else he just liked me for who I was but suddenly our contact broke off after looking through his socials I saw that he now has a girlfriend and everything he said and done was a lie. He just wanted to break me.

So when I recovered from that I met a new guy, I also told him about what happened to me. He was so cute and precious so i naturally (as an emotional destroied person) crushed on him, but then he wanted me to send him nudes, I did because I didn’t want him to think I’m prude. When we met up another time he wanted me to performe oral to him, I did. I wanted him to like me at every cost. But after that he never texted again. So when I asked him why he said that he only wanted to cum and not built a personal relationship with me.

My search for a good guy continued and I though I met someone, he promised me the world told me the cutest things ever and then I found out that he had a girlfriend I was so disappointed in everything but he texted me again saying that he broke up with her promised me the world again and begged me to take him back, so I did. But it was all a game, the entired time he only played the victim acted like it’s his girlfriends fault and that he wanted to break up with her. I was so naive to believe him but he lied to me after his girlfriend found out that he was was still texting me she told me to go kill myself and that I’ll never get loved by anyone in this world

After that I was done trying to find a good person in this cruel world but when I was out with my friends I got to know a cute guy. He told me that I’m beautiful and that he liked me. So when we went out he asked me to perform oral. When I said that I don’t want to do it he became aggressive and asked again, I didn’t wanted to denie because I was fearing what he would do if I wouldn’t do it. But he also tried to take adventure of me and pulled my pants down, that night he tried to rape me but I was able to stop it.

All of those incidents happened in real life and destroyed me. Those are the reasons for me having anxiety, depression and constant fear.

0 notes

diomdes · 8 years ago

Note

all the get wet asks!

oh fuck uh

Shallow:

1. Favorite color

already answered !

2. Height

like 5′7″

3. Eye color

blue

4. Hair color

brown !

5. Age

6. Piercings?

just standard ear piercings

7. Tattoos?

not yet, at least !

8. Favorite animal/pet

i love otters and i cant pick a favorite of my pets

9. Favorite scent

i love the smell of cookies baking ! and rain im basic as shit

10. What time is it?

11:44pm

Wading:

11. Favorite time of day

already answered !

12.First pet

a blue heeler named gracie girl

13. Siblings

just one !

14. First car

little stuttery piece of shit her name is tyler

15. On a day like today you would...?

i dont understand this question but on any day id take a fucking nap

16. The last book you read

finished reading? i genuinely. am not sure it takes me a while to finish books. just picked up and read? the iliad

17. The last text message you sent/received

girl i do not remember and i dont wanna grab my phone to check lmao

18. Are you usually hot or cold

cold i get chilly easily

19. Pick one thing to your left, what does it mean to you

my medicine and what it means to me is that it lets me function somewhat normally

20. Day or night and why

already answered !

Knee Deep:

21. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

already answered !

22. When was the last time someone told you they loved you

not too long ago cos parents

23. Who is your best friend and how did you meet

oh god i don’t know who my best friend is but uh. i met one of my best friends in freshman year general science cos we were both sorta being left out so we bonded

24. Would you rather...

yeah

25. Do you get sick often

uh physically? like with a fever? no not really. i get times where im v anxious and/or depressed tho

26. Do you live alone or with other people

that’s. a toughy. i’d like to live with other people, but somewhere where there is enough room to have. some space. what a pipe dream

27. When was the last time you saw your family

like 20 minutes ago

28. What do you want to achieve in the next year

i just wanna get through it with all A’s

29. Do you believe in true love

i guess !

30. Have you ever been hurt by someone you thought cared about you

To the Waist:

31. When was the last time you got hurt

already answered !

32. Have you ever hurt yourself

yes

33. What was the last fight you had about

i. don’t remember at the moment im having trouble remembering specifics from more than like 3 days ago

34. Has anyone told you they hated you

uhm. sorta kinda. indirectly and with different words

35. Have you seen anyone die

what the fuck no

36. What would you tell your younger self

get your shit together jesus christ

37. Would you skip the bad parts of your life to be successful

who ? wouldn’t? if i could become successful without trials why wouldn’t i

38. What do you want to do with the rest of your life

i have no idea probably something in the psych field tho

39. Have you left behind/ were you left behind in a friendship

ive left behind.

40. What is more important ___ or ___

definitely the latter

Neck Deep:

41. Who would you want to meet again in your life

already answered !

42. Why did you choose your career path

im really fucking empathetic and really fucking analytic

43. What is something you regret from your past

brother i couldnt even tell you what all i regret from the past day

44. How much time is left at the end of your day

what does this MEAN ????? time for what

45. What was your last dream about

i can’t remember for sure but i know will graham was there

46. Have you ever hated someone and why

hate is a strong word but bc they treated me poorly

47. Talk about your favorite family member

already answered !

48. What is one thing you want to confess

i know i’ll never find someone because i’m too much of a puss to ever express romantic affection. also i genuinely don’t. understand why anyone would want to be with me im shit

49. Have you ever tried to take away your problems instead of deal with them

i don’t understand this question but like i think so?

50. Who would you save- yourself or a stranger?

at the moment im thinking stranger

Head Under Water:

51. Have you been in love

already answered !

52. Talk about someone in your life who has died

jesus christ okay uh. my grandmother i didn’t know her super well but she always sent us money around christmas time and she was really rude to my mom a lot of the time and she couldn’t make eggs for shit like i loved her but that’s all that comes to mind

53. Describe your first ____

mind blowing

54. When was the last time you thought you were beautiful

god im vain but the last time i saw my reflection wasdhfnjdf

55. Have you ever had to recover after something

yeah

56. What do you hate about ____

ambiguity

57. Top ten life values

oh shit okay. this isn’t ten but uh.

conduct yourself with gentleness, be careful with your words, always be willing (but careful) to help those who need your help, never be afraid to acknowledge when you’ve been wronged, it’s always best to analyze your feelings, if you have the opprotunity to improve someone’s day you should take it, pet dogs and take no shit

58. How do you fall asleep

late at night after taking some melatonin, usually under too many blankets

59. When was the last time you smiled and the last time you cried

i cried a little earlier today

60. Would you give up everything for ____

definitely not

Drowning:

61. Ask your own question

what the fuck is bofa

#asks #anons #long post #well it's under the cut but still #im in a shit mood im sorry if these answers come off as snarky #Anonymous

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alliphant2-blog · 8 years ago

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#149 CURRENTLY Are you “with” the very last person you kissed? Nope haven't talked to him in over a year lol it was no special thaanggg Ever dated/kissed a someone with the name Casey, Tyler, Ryan, Jordan, Colton, Rebecca, Samantha, Lauren, Taylor, or Ashley? Uhm nope Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or lying down? ..Yes 😂 Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? For the most part, yes Are you excited for anything? Maybe? (: I'm also very terrified Do you hate the last person you kissed? No I feel indifferent towards his existence lol You’re stuck in an elevator with one of your worst enemies, what do you do? I don't really have "enemies" so idk? Pray they're not a psychopath with a weapon 😂 Will this weekend be a good one? Its over and class starts tomorrow..But yeah it was good Are you mad at someone right now? Myself! But not really rn Do you like to listen to the radio in the car? No, ipod Do you sleep with a fan on? Yes omg or else I'll die How is your hair right now? Disgusting Have you ever broken up with someone for someone else? I was thinking about this the other day. I always thought I had, but no not really.. How many windows are open on your computer? Uh phone? How tall are you? 5'9 ish Is something bothering you? Yes. I'm freaking about commitment and relationships and I'm scared Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? Mhmm Have you ever laughed at something that wasn’t meant to be funny? Daily lol Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex “Fuck you”? Yes!!! Do you like to cuddle? Yes, if you don't then, you're super weird Have you done anything sneaky lately? Uhm I guess. Smoked? Is your hair clean? Nah fam Last night, did you go to sleep smiling? Yes actually Were you happy when you woke up today? Mhmm What are you drinking right now? Coffee Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? If I'm driving I do Does someone have feelings for you? I believe so😬 Have you ever been cheated on? Yep Are you hard to please? No, I'll lay down anytime anywhere to make others happy What are you craving right now? More vacay time! How are you feeling right now? Anxious. Tired. Bored. Procrastinating. What are you sick of? Insecuries. Anxiety. Uncertainty. Are you missing anyone/something? I guessßsssss😬😬 Relationship to the last person you called? My best friend and father Could you date someone shorter than you? Yeah but we need to be pretty close in height. Sorry not sorry Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the planet? Lol sure 😂 Do you wear glasses? Yerp Where did you sleep last night? In my bed?! Do you straighten your hair? Sometimes. Not nearly as much as I used to What color shirt are you wearing? Red Do you have a best friend? Yes, a few Do you wish you had the chance to go back in time and change something now? Ehhh sometimes but no not atm Who is the last person you got a text from? Michael Are you excited for winter? It is winter?! If they cancelled classes tomorrow then yes 😁 When are you at your happiest? A little fucked up, looking fly ?? Idk lol or organizing shit lol Is there anything you wish you did today? Why haven’t you done it? I need to finish these books but I'm doing this insteaddd Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? Both depends on the weather What were you doing before you started this survey? Drinking coffee Can you honestly say that you love yourself? no How many people have you kissed? Hmmm... To the best of my memory.. Eleven people?? Do you just feel awkward when you dance? I always feel awkward lol Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset? Anxious maybe Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? No Do you own a pair of uggs? Nooo What are your plans for tomorrow? Class 😭 Has the person you have feelings for ever told you that you’re attractive? Yeah Can you get over people easily? Nope Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? ... Revenge? That was my excuse lol but no, honestly. Its not ok How was your weekend? Good, cold af Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Mhmm How do you feel right now? Ok. Thirsty Do you hide your feelings or show them? Both Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Long I guess What is the last thing you cooked today? Uhm idk, I was drunk sooo lol What do you always take with you? ChapStick. My phone Last person you drove around in a car with? The pups. Also my dad. Courtney Do you think relationships are hard? Yes What are your plans for this weekend? Chill Any friends who are constantly venting about their significant other? Me?????? Lol Have you ever been ice-skating? Nah fam. Can't even rollerblade Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? Yes omg Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Yessssss Do you like Fuze drinks? I used to!! There's just way too much fucking sugar in it tho Did the end of Hamilton make you sad? Idk fam Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? No Do you obsessively apply lip-gloss or lip balm? Yes it's necessary Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? Mhmm Do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself? Idk man idk What’s your most noticeable flaw? Tummy? And what’s your best feature? Lips Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? Who hasn't When you can tell that someone’s lying, do you call them out on it? Yeah usually Have you ever hallucinated? I guess lol Do you find serial killers fascinating? In movies, sure lol Do you like Musicals? Yes Is your hair damaged? Maybe a bit Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs? Yeah sometimes Who was the last person you threw out of your life? Oooo Michael? Are you wearing socks? No. Slippers Do you regret something you did yesterday? I was kinda yesterday but not today, I'm good with it surprisingly When was the last time you cried? Uhm recently because anxiety Why were you crying? ^^^^ Whats the last thing you ate? Idkkkkkkk man What kind of bottoms are you wearing? Sweatpants What do you hear right now? Tory Lanez How many hours did you sleep last night? Not enough Is something bothering you right now? Yeah In the past week have you gotten sick? Almost!! Courtney.. In the past week have you felt stupid? Yep always In the past week have you got your hair cut? No What were you doing at 9 AM this morning? Sleeping In the past week have you felt sad? Prob Has someone disappointed you recently? Uhm no idts Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Yeah...Its been awhile though If you could pack up and move, would you? No not rn Do you hate when people smoke around you? Cigs Who have you texted in the last 24 hours? Michael. Kensie. Emily. Courtney. My parents. And my aunt.

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sanguinesprout · 7 years ago

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #10 (plus some nuggets of cheeriness and tidbits of gloominess)

Eeee! I’ve been feeling quite the bit more chipper this week me thinks, I feel my efforts and confidence have grown some and even my sis has been noticing and congratulated meeeee ;w; I hope this continues onto next week and beyond! To infinity and beyond! ^^ (Too bad it doesn’t help my terrible memory all that much tho but hmm feels good, man lol and I did make sure to write a few notes so that’s something! :D)

So, my 10th appointment. It actually went pretty good! That sheet which I had to do with the emotions/thoughts/evidence columns and the sort of recap of what I learned, I did end up leaving them till last minute again (like literally less than an hour before the appointment, such badness ahh) but I scrawled it quick and I am so glad I write these posts here because without them I wouldn’t have remembered a lot of the stuff I needed to write! :3 Both physically and mentally, repetition is key! Accidental rhyming wheee!

So, as usual she asked how I was and I just said same-y same as usual, then we went over the sheet I wrote on. She told me to read them out to her and it kinda felt like uhhh but I guess it’s better than her attempting to read my scrawly writing haha. I didn’t read them word for word and some sections were omitted because she asked me for specific columns and stuff though but the main stuff got across. I re-wrote the few things I wrote on the previous sheet, about me going to shops on my own and walking to the post office and trying to converse with customers.

Generally with all of those situations and other similar ones my feelings would be stuff like ‘anxious, tense, nervous, self-conscious, tense, alert, awkward’ rated at a score of something between 80-95% and my thoughts were things like ‘they’re probably wondering what I’m doing there’, ‘they probably think I’m weird/awkward/look a mess or am even stealing’, ‘maybe someone will recognise me or can see I’m anxious’. The evidence to support this was uh, well, tbh I think I wrote nothing (or very little) and I kinda expected this in a way but I guess it depends on how hard you try to nitpick and negatively view the smaller details.

The lesson is not to speculate and not jump the gun and make all these negative assumptions. Those irrational thoughts up in your mind have no real support, proving they hold not truth and are not to be listened to. They shouldn’t hold you back from doing things you want to do because they’re not real, just your mind conjuring ways to try bring yourself down with false beliefs of things based on past negative things and things that will never actually happen. You ain’t fooling no one no mores mr.snarky pants negative mind! >3<

I did manage to go to the post office again on my own, this time to post something and it went pretty smoothly, except on the way back this one random guy smoking outside his house commented to me something like ‘you should smile, you’ll get up the hill’ and then I kind of awkwardly smiled and walked past quickly and he was like ‘that’s better’. I was walking up a kind of hilly street, maybe a bit huffy looking and deep in concentration, when I saw that guy (he was conversing with someone else at first) and made eye contact a few metres away I actually did try to make myself smile a bit, but I was still feeling kind of tense (especially in my walking too) and I guess my super resting bitch face just didn’t shift and so came the awks.

Because of all the shizz in my past it instantly made me think he was well, mocking me about my appearance, but I pushed that aside immediately because I know this is just a negative assumption, but still I kept thinking back on it and feeling uncomfortable, especially because I actually kind of tried but the opposite happened, sucks. The counsellor told me that she had a similar situation in the past (except it was a gesture to smile while in her car on the road) and at first she felt kind of annoyed and was like wtf because whether she smiled or not was not this person’s business and she needn’t follow a strangers instruction. Yeah, that’s the feeling I had too exactly. But she said that even though this happened, she didn’t let it get to her and ruin her day and even though she wanted to flip him off she just ignored him (she talked quite colloquially and it was pretty awesome lol)

On the other hand though, I do definitely see the comment I got could have been something intended to genuinely try encourage me or cheer me up and I just took it the wrong way at first (though the comment it self is kinda uncomfortably worded imo). I don’t want to overanalyse the words or situation too much though, but I do feel it leans way more to the positive intention, or that’s what I’m gonna stick with, gotta not let my mind make it a negative. Anyways I got past that and idc about it anymore bc it’s true, it’s my face and imma do whatever I want with it *glares infinitely with short sightedness*. I remember reading an article online in the past about people expecting women to be all smiley all the time or something but who on earth would even be able to smile 24/7 and anyways do everything for yourself as always.

Even the counsellor agreed that no one could walk around smiling all the time, but when you do smile, even a forced one, it is proven to make you feel a little more happy and it sure does, helps me feel a little more confident and positive too. My sis says she has problems with smiling a lot and sometimes asks me how she looks and I’ve read other people struggle with it to and have to practice it. I’ve kinda been inadvertently practicing it myself, but never really held one out in public unless I genuinely felt cheerful, though lately I have been trying to get more comfortable with it and it’s going alright. Being more observant of others and the little things that naturally bring smiles helps too, there’s a lot to appreciate out there like the pretty scenery and weather, cute kiddies and elderly people, it gives back the feeling that everything’s not all that bad out there and that there’s a lot more things to smile about ^^

Anyways back to what I was saying about the sheet. There was also a column supporting against the thoughts and I put some things like ‘no one recognised me or approached me about things’ (maybe excluding dat 1 guy of course lol) and there was a column for a more realistic view on things and I wrote stuff like ‘everyone is busy doing their own thing’ (aka. no1curr lol) then proceeded to re-score my feelings and they dropped down to something between the range of uhhh ‘30-70%’ (I don’t have the sheet on me so moar memory fails lol). It shows that everything is actually nowhere near as bad as you’d assume, if you never tried you wouldn’t have been able to see this and would have been stuck still thinking the same catastrophic things and even escalating them further and scaring yourself more. You need to take a more realistic view on things, base things on facts and not believe what you hear from the dark space in your head or see through pessimism clouded glasses.

During all this discussion she praised me a lot, told me how far I’ve come and I was like ‘uhh ahhh thanks’ and ‘it’s thanks to you’ and she was like no no it’s all your doing >< She also praised me about going to the shoe shop and getting my refund (lol) and going to other places especially on my own. I am very thankful for her help and her pushing me to get my lazy mopey ass up, counselling/therapy do recommend! ^^ I’m glad I decided to go and I’m glad I tried because it really helped me get out of this dark hole I fell in and lived in for so long, though I still roll back down there a lot but at least I know how to get out now! Only one session left, feel kind of sad about it *sigh* I kinda feel like I wanna gift something but idk if I should (or what I would give anyways, I’m so hella poor and indecisive rn) ;;

The next thing we did was talk about my next steps towards my goal of getting a job. She told me to volunteer at some places like charities so that I’d be able to gain the experience and have references. I took the idea on board but was thinking maybe I could get some work experience at where my sister works if possible. I’m kinda chickening out a little I know, but I have actually gained a little bit of experience from a charity shop before in the past during school time and I can’t say I loved the experience, not to say this time would be the same but idk... tbh I really like where my sis works, I would love to actually apply for it someday, to have a taste of it now would be very useful to me. Who knows how things will go or where I’ll be next, it could go really great if I try hard enough, I really need to believe in myself more and learn to just go with the flow.

My sis was feeling a bit sad about work lately though, that the pay is not high enough and said something to me like ‘if you were working we wouldn’t be struggling as much’ and it totally drained away any cheerfulness I had that day. If I could have, I would’ve been working years ago like I wanted to, it’s just... ahhhhh..! *eternal wailing and angst*. My sister helps my parents financially often when needed and funds things for me too, there’s that feeling of me being a burden again, but I am trying this time..! Feels bad man ;; Now’s not the time to be falling back into gloominess, one of my biggest motivations to work and make money is so my parents won’t have to, so they can rest and have free time to have fun, so we can spend time together too! I want to be able to save up enough money so we can all go somewhere nice and afford nice things. I need to try much much harder, c’mon I can do it..!

She didn’t ask about the recap notes I was asked to write, so I prompted her about it and I’m glad I did (and didn’t just hope she forgot so she wouldn’t look at it like how I always tried to wiggle out of my homework being seen at school lol), because none of it was wrong or silly like I thought it may be, in fact it was great! (Hah! Eat those facts silly thoughts!). I read it all out and she was impressed and praised me about that too, that I had learned all these things and remembered them and taken them on board successfully. For next time I have a whole bunch of sheets to fill in, ones to do with what I’ve learned and my goals for the future etc. I‘m already feeling that mental fatigue just thinking about it, but I’m not gonna leave it till last minute this time! Time to break the habit and just do it!!

In my own time, I do feel I am more comfortable going out more, even though its just something as mundane as going to the supermarket, but not feeling so anxious or afraid feels great! I feel like I can almost be ‘normal’ in those kinds of environments. I went to the big shopping centre again, this time with my sis’s bf’s mum there too and I made lots of effort to converse with her even though I suck at speaking my second language, I tried real hard and it was good and my sis was impressed and even I’m proud of myself. I wanted to be less awkward with relatives and I feel I’ve begun to slowly bridge that gap lately, build up better relationships or impressions and such.

In the shopping centre I browsed around feeling pretty comfy and chipper, the only time I tensed a little was when buying food in a busy food court, passing some guys (lame I know) and when I had some awk but kinda comically awkward moments with the store guy at this shoe shop I went to, but I tried real hard there too and I successfully got some shoes in the end for me (and my mum too) and they were much comfier than that previous shop I had to refund to lol! I still haven’t worn them out yet and they are still a lil snug for me but I hope they loosen a little over time and become real comfy like the old ones I have and wear all the time. (Afterwards I noticed that guy at the shoe shop reaaaally reminds me of this one from one of those viral twitter posts too and I can’t unsee it lmaooo xD)

I feel like I’ve been taking care of myself a bit better, so my appearance improved a little and my self confidence has gone up a little more which is also why I’m feeling better about going out. I wanna continue to try do things to improve myself, for myself! As with everything, the more effort, the better the result! :D I want to stop bringing up excuses for why I can’t go out or do things, because there is nothing really stopping me but myself and my habitual unwillingness. I can do everything if I put my mind to it hoo! (Or maybe not put my mind to it? You know ‘cause it likes to go off on it’s own spiral of doom haha)

I also baked the same cookies I made previously but with an improved/non-improvised recipe and it turned out even better omnomnom ^^ I also tried making hummus and well it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad, it was good for a first try! I wanna try make something else next, I’m pumped! Keep trying, keep learning! :D

In my art related postings, I’m still kind of hibernating and I really really hate that I’m still like this, I’m still seriously overthinking things here and it makes me so mad at myself uuuugh! I keep itching to comment on things too but have been holding myself back there too cause I still feel ashamed and am just hiding and avoiding again. I keep waiting for the motivation to come or a spell of confidence or even numbness to the fear of judgement but it’s just wasting more time because I’m not doing or moving forward. I don’t want to be too hard on myself though, because the other things have been taking up my time and thought space and are technically much more important but I do want to also get somewhere with this too. Man, I’m such a frustrating person .___.”

I read somewhere recently that motivation only really comes after you tried and showed yourself you can do it and then it spurs you on. I feel this is very true. Even though I have not been able to sit down and commit myself to drawing or experimenting with mediums seriously yet, I’ve still done some small comforting doodles on scraps when driven by my feelings or boredom and even though they aren’t the most beautiful and detailed things, I still like them and impressed myself a little too, it does make me want to try some more. So why aren’t I doing so? Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect silly me! It doesn’t matter what other people think! Do it for yourself! >w<

Now that I’ve written this post imma do something good and useful and fulfilling! I’ll either fill in those sheets for next week, do some art related things or spend time with my parents! I can do it! I’m doing well! I can do even better! Go go go! *^*

Have a great evening! Keep going! ^^

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