sophxxe

[sophxxe]

Hey,

I hope you’re doing good and all that; I actually just wanna get something off my chest really quick

I love you man, I fucking love you

I know I never said it out loud but this is how I feel about you. Every time we see each other my mood jus changes for the better, you just felt right to me. I know you don’t feel the same but idc I can’t keep this to myself any longer and I hope that it’s not ruining this “friendship” or whatever we got because you would take all my happiness out of my life if you’d left.

[sophxxe]

Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.

— Haruki Murakami

[sophxxe]

I hate that feeling when you see something and your heart literally sinks, but you have to sit there and pretend you don’t care.

[sophxxe]

Erinnerst du dich noch?

Erinnerst du dich noch an alles was wir hatten?

Jeden Moment den wir zusammen verbracht haben?

Unser erstes Treffen?

Unseren ersten Kuss?

Leider erinnere ich mich daran, an jeden einzelnen Moment.

Das erste Treffen war kurz vor den Sommerferien wir waren draußen und du hast mich vom ersten Moment an gehabt.

Wir haben uns nochmal getroffen, wir waren draußen und ich musste los, du hast meine Tasche getragen.

Du bist nachts zu mir gekommen, von 1uhr bis halb 5 haben wir auf meiner Couch gesessen und geredet.

Du hast mich von der Schule abgeholt und wir haben Wassereis gegessen.

In den Ferien haben wir uns fast jeden 2. Tag getroffen

Du hast mich von der Arbeit abgeholt und wir haben den ganzen restlichen Tag miteinander verbracht.

Du bist zu mir gekommen, wir lagen auf meinem Bett und haben geredet.

Als wir zum CSD gehen wollten und schlechtes Wetter war bist du zu mir gekommen, wir haben fehrn gesehen und saßen in meinem Garten. Als du gegangen bist hab ich dich auf die Wange geküsst und du meintest zu mir “wenn dann richtig” ; unser erster Kuss.

Als wir den ganzen Tag draußen waren hast du mir eine Rose geschenkt und als du mich nachhause begleitet hast hat es angefangen zu regnen und wir haben uns im Regen geküsst, in diesem Moment ist die ganze Welt stillgestanden.

Du hast mich noch ein weiteres Mal von der Arbeit abgeholt und wir haben wieder den ganzen Tag miteinander verbracht.

Du bist zu mir gekommen und ich saß in der Küche und wir haben uns geküsst, dann waren wir im Garten, es war windig und hat geregnet und wir haben uns nochmal geküsst in dem Moment hat die Zeit angehalten. Wir saßen zusammen auf der Couch und ich lag in deinem Arm, wir haben uns Gesichtsmasken gemacht.

Als es mir schlecht ging bist du abends rausgekommen und warst bei mir. Wir saßen auf einer Bank und du hast mit mir geredet. Ich lag in deinem Arm und du warst einfach für mich da.

Ein anderes Mal waren wir auch draußen und als wir gegangen sind hast du mich hochgehoben und getragen, dannach haben wir uns geküsst. Auf diesem Weg neben den Häusern, auch in diesem Moment war die Zeit still und die Welt war gut.

Wir waren zusammen bei Ikea und haben Hotdogs gegessen. Im Auto konnte ich nur dich anschauen, wir waren noch ewig zusammen draußen und haben sogar mit einem Mann gesprochen der glücklich durch die Gegend gelaufen ist und gepfiffen hat. Als wir uns verabschiedet haben, haben wir uns ewig umarmt und immer wieder geküsst.

Ich weiß nicht warum aber vom ersten Moment an hattest du mich, mit deinen wunderschönen Augen und diesem Lächeln, mit diesem vermeintlich perfekten Charakter.

Du warst so süß, hast mir die süßesten Dinge geschrieben und gesagt.

Dann an einem Tag, hatte ich dich gefragt ob du am nächsten zu mir kommen willst, du hast ja gesagt, am nächsten hast du nicht geantwortet, ich hab dich gefragt ob alles okay ist und ob irgendetwas ist. Das einzige das du dazu gesagt hast war das es besser wäre wenn wir uns nicht mehr sehen.

Ich glaub du kannst du garnicht vorstellen wie mich das zerstört hat, in einem Moment ist alles perfekt und im nächsten wird man einfach komplett gebrochen. Ich hab den ganzen Tag lang geheult.

Ich hab mich gefragt was ich getan habe damit du zu diesem Entschluss kommst.

Seid Oktober haben wir keinen Kontakt mehr, jetzt ist Januar und ich habe mir die ganze Zeit versucht einzureden das ich dich hasse aber die Wahrheit ist das du mir fehlst.

Immer wenn ich mich an alle Momente die wir hatten erinner zerbreche ich ein kleines Stück mehr, andauert frage ich mich ob du womöglich auch an mich denkst? Wie es dir geht und wie du nur so schnell damit abschließen konntest?

Immer wieder will ich dir schreiben aber dann denke ich daran das ich dir nichts bedeute. Ich erinner mich daran das wenn du mich vermissen würdest, mir eine Nachricht schreiben könntest. Aber es kommt nichts.

Trotzdem vermisse ich dich und ich hab dich immernoch unglaublich lieb.

Ich wünschte es wäre nicht so, denn es zerreißt mich.

-für Fabrice (Dinge die ich dir niemals sagen kann)

[sophxxe]

I still miss you, it’s been months since we last talked but I can’t seem to forget you.

I thought I was done with you, done with everything that had something to do with you; but I’m not.

Every fucking time it hunts me down, thoughts of you, memories of everything we had I’d do everything to get you back, to get back my happiness and my trust but that won’t happen

I know you moved on but HOW COULD YOU FORGET??

All the things we did? Everything we had?

Please tell me how u could just erase me? Throw everything away I’ve given you? All the paintings? Everything you had from me? How can someone just throw everything away? Just as if it was trash?

I still remember everything; how we laid in my bed and talked, how we talked from 1am to 4am, how we watched tv and I was laying in your arms, when you went out when I had a bad time, how we kissed the first time, how we kissed in the rain, how we kissed in my garden; it was windy and the world just stopped when we kissed, how you touched my arm, how you hugged me, the way you looked at me with your beautiful eyes, the way you smiled, the face masks we did, when we kissed and I didn’t want to let you go, when you picked me up, when we walked in the rain, when you picked me up from work, when you picked me up from school and brought me an ice, when we went to ikea together just to get hotdogs, when you stole me a rose and when we kissed in that alley in the rain.

When we kissed my whole world stopped, you were everything for me, I don’t know what you had but I just fell for it, for your beautiful smile and for those eyes. I just can’t belive that Someone who’s that beautiful inside and outside could hurt me like this.

How could you?

I still fucking love you even though you broke me and I wish I would get you back.

But I know I won’t and that’s the thing that’s crushing me

[sophxxe]

you’re not too sensitive. you’re not overreacting. if it hurts you, it hurts you

[sophxxe]

When I first met you I was shook, you were one of the most beautiful and kind hearted person I’ve had the chance to meet.

After things got a little more serious I felt obligated to tell you about all the trauma that happened in my life. I wanted to tell you about it, about the loss, pain and heartbreak I had to go through. I told you about every fucking thing that has happened to me except for one thing that I knew would be better to keep for myself.

You were so caring, always there for me when I needed you. So naturally I fell for you.

We kissed a couple of times but I will always remember the first time we kissed (the first time I kissed someone after the death of my Ex) and the time we kissed in the rain.

You made me so fucking happy but eventually I asked you if you had time and you just had lame excuses. In my heart I already knew that this won’t end good

So one day I pulled myself together, all my courage to text you and ask you if you were fine and why you’d act so different.

You just told me that it would be better if we wouldn’t see each other again- No explanation no nothing

I fell apart.

I don’t fucking know why someone who fucking knows how much I suffered, how much trust issues I got and how much trauma I’ve been through can fucking do that?

I understand that I’m not the best looking and that my body ain’t perfect, that my face looks weird and that I’m just weird in gerneral

But tell me how can a person fucking pretend all that shit how can someone be so heartless

So let me ask you; what the fuck did I do to you?

What have I done to deserve this shit?

I want to know how you know all about me and still treat me like that? All the promises you made “iM nEvEr gOnNa MaKe YoU cRy” fucking bullshit.

I wish I could hate you but I can’t. I keep justifying you in front of myself

But the truth is you are nothing and you’ve hurt me so much

-last text to Leon Fabrice

[sophxxe]

“Every time I think of you I question why I was blessed with someone so perfect.”

- I don’t deserve you.

[sophxxe]

🎃✨✨⚡️This is a weight loss demon she only comes out once a year for halloween reblog to reach your goal weight by halloween⚡️✨✨🎃

(she takes and eats all of the candy little kids get trick or treating 👹)

[sophxxe]

Pt.1

[sophxxe]

When I went to primary school I used to be the outsider of the class, nobody wanted to talk to me and when they did it was always something mean.

I thought that maybe it’ll change when I’m going to a new school so when I got to my new school I felt amazing, I truly believed that now I could be a part of the class. But already on my first day kids in my class called me fat. By that time I sure had too much weight but what gave them the right to say something about it?

My mum told me to ignore what they say, so I tried. But every day I heard the same shit about how I am too fat, that I should lose weight so as a result of that “soft” bullying I started to eat more. As one year passed by people would beat me up and throw my supplies in the trash, I got kicked, beat down and many other horrible things.

I thought maybe I deserve this because I’m just not a good human being; so I accepted their behavior and went to school everyday.

As another year passed by things got even worse they’d called me names, abused me and told me to go kill myself. All those things made me super super uncomfortable in my own body. So when we had PE class I’d always hid so nobody could see how fat i was. But then even teachers started to tell me that I should do more sports and that i need to lose weight, that I’ll never be able to do those PE exercises because I’m too fat for it. Other teachers told me that I’m unworthy because I’m from another country and that I’ll never get my degree. So when I started failing classes I just knew that they were all right. My teacher told me that I have to retake my class to stay at this school and I was so anxious to tell my mum about it that I went to my school psychologist.

I told her that I’m scared to tell my mum and that i didn’t wanted to disappoint her, little did she know that the actual cause of this anxiety was 3 years of bullying.

So when my class had a one week trip I decided that I would go with them to maybe get a bond to some of them. I felt comfortable because I lost 8kg before this Trip, but it still didn’t stop them from bullying me. So in the evening when they were playing games with the whole class I was in my room and cried. Some people came in my room and when they saw me crying all they said was “why don’t you just end it right now and do us all a favor?” The next day I found a knife in the kitchen and cut myself. My roommate (also one of my bullies) saw that I was hiding the knife under a pillow and told my teachers. So they came up to me but instead of helping me they just send me home. My mother was so disappointed in me that she didn’t spoke to me.

So I changed schools. My depression and anxiety still remained tho. So I created an Instagram account to talk to people who feel the same way. I got to know a boy who actually lived in my town so we met up and fell in love. I was so happy that I almost forgot my worries. But one day I received a message; it was a suicide letter he commited suicide.

I thought It was a joke and deleted those messages (including his suicide letter) but it wasn’t. To that day I still hate myself for it.

This broke me completely I started cutting and stopped caring about myself.

I tried to commit suicide two times, the first time I took all medication I could find in our house in hopes of an overdose but I just threw everything up. The second time I tried to take sleeping pills and drank vodka with it but I also just threw up. My parents still don’t know anything about those suicide attempts.

In my new school was I guy I liked so I texted him. He told me he’d need sex to see if I’m worthy of a relationship. When I told him that I’m not going to have sex with him he said nudes are enough. So I sended him pictures of me in underwear. Eventually when I got to class the next day everyone had those pictures. I felt humiliated and I couldn’t even tell my parents about it. Everyone in my school had those nudes. I got bullied every day and I know that it was my fault because i sended those pictures. I trusted him. All I wanted was to end my life. So I tried to commit suicide a third time. I’m not going to explain how but I can confirm that I failed a third time.

So when I slowly recovered from my loss I wanted to meet some guys, to feel loved and maybe get emotional validation. I always told them what happened to me and they abused my naivety. One guy who I was out with got me in his car, we met before and he seemed nice so I didn’t think he would do something to me. But he did; he forced me into oral and undressed me (all in his car) I didn’t wanted to be rude so I just did what he wanted. When I got out I thought it was my fault. I thought if I wouldn’t have given him those signs he would’ve done it. I still fear when someone touches me that something like this is going to happen a second time.

After that I met a cute guy, he wasn’t about sex or anything else he just liked me for who I was but suddenly our contact broke off after looking through his socials I saw that he now has a girlfriend and everything he said and done was a lie. He just wanted to break me.

So when I recovered from that I met a new guy, I also told him about what happened to me. He was so cute and precious so i naturally (as an emotional destroied person) crushed on him, but then he wanted me to send him nudes, I did because I didn’t want him to think I’m prude. When we met up another time he wanted me to performe oral to him, I did. I wanted him to like me at every cost. But after that he never texted again. So when I asked him why he said that he only wanted to cum and not built a personal relationship with me.

My search for a good guy continued and I though I met someone, he promised me the world told me the cutest things ever and then I found out that he had a girlfriend I was so disappointed in everything but he texted me again saying that he broke up with her promised me the world again and begged me to take him back, so I did. But it was all a game, the entired time he only played the victim acted like it’s his girlfriends fault and that he wanted to break up with her. I was so naive to believe him but he lied to me after his girlfriend found out that he was was still texting me she told me to go kill myself and that I’ll never get loved by anyone in this world

After that I was done trying to find a good person in this cruel world but when I was out with my friends I got to know a cute guy. He told me that I’m beautiful and that he liked me. So when we went out he asked me to perform oral. When I said that I don’t want to do it he became aggressive and asked again, I didn’t wanted to denie because I was fearing what he would do if I wouldn’t do it. But he also tried to take adventure of me and pulled my pants down, that night he tried to rape me but I was able to stop it.

All of those incidents happened in real life and destroyed me. Those are the reasons for me having anxiety, depression and constant fear.

[sophxxe]

I’m sorry but I can’t do this:

I can’t act like I don’t have feelings while you just want to fuck

I’m sorry but I like you, I don’t love you but I like you a lot and if we’re going to continue this I might fall in love with you

I don’t want to fall in love with you because I know that you only want sex and nothing is real

When we meet it feels like you don’t even want to talk, you just want to cum, we talk for five minutes and then you start to kiss me, I’m sorry but in my word kissing is love and not lust

After those five minutes of awkward talking, those five minutes where only I am taking and you just listening and not caring you go on and start to sexualize everything.

I’m sorry but when I grew up my mother told me that boys would cherish every moment we’d have together, they would love me for who I am and not only for my body or wether I’m fuckable or not

I’m sorry but I can’t do this, I can’t get used to you and then you’ll leave.

I’d rather be alone

[sophxxe]

i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead      i wish i was dead       i wish i was dead        i wish i was dead         i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead           i wish i was dead            i wish i was dead             i wish i was dead              i wish i was dead               i wish i was dead                i wish i was dead                 i wish i was dead                  i wish i was dead                   i wish i was dead                    i wish i was dead                    i wish i was dead                   i wish i was dead                  i wish i was dead                 i wish i was dead                i wish i was dead               i wish i was dead              i wish i was dead             i wish i was dead            i wish i was dead           i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead         i wish i was dead        i wish i was dead       i wish i was dead      i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead      i wish i was dead       i wish i was dead        i wish i was dead         i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead           i wish i was dead            i wish i was dead             i wish i was dead              i wish i was dead               i wish i was dead                i wish i was dead                 i wish i was dead                  i wish i was dead                   i wish i was dead                    i wish i was dead                    i wish i was dead                   i wish i was dead                  i wish i was dead                 i wish i was dead                i wish i was dead               i wish i was dead              i wish i was dead             i wish i was dead            i wish i was dead           i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead         i wish i was dead        i wish i was dead       i wish i was dead      i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dea d i wish i was dea  d i wish i was dea   d i wish i was dea    d i wish i was de a    d i wish i was de  a    d i wish i was de   a    d i wish i was de    a    d i wish i was d e    a    d i wish i was d  e    a    d i wish i was d   e    a    d i wish i was d    e    a    d i wish i was  d    e    a    d i wish i was   d    e    a    d i wish i was    d    e    a    d i wish i was     d    e    a    d i wish i was      d    e    a    d i wish i was       d    e    a    d i wish i was        d    e    a    d i wish i was         d    e    a    d i wish i wa s         d    e    a    d i wish i wa  s         d    e    a    d i wish i wa   s         d    e    a    d i wish i wa    s         d    e    a    d i wish i w a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i w  a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i w   a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i  w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i   w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i    w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i     w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i      w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i       w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i        w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish  i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish   i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish    i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish     i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish      i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish       i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish        i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wish         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wis h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wis  h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wis   h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wis    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wi s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wi  s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wi   s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i wi    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i w i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i w  i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i w   i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i  w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i   w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i    w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i     w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i      w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i       w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i        w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d  i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d   i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d    i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a    d     i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a   d      i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a  d       i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    a d        i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e    ad         i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e   ad          i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e  ad           i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    e ad            i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d    ead             i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d   ead              i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d  ead               i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         d ead                i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s         dead                 i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s        dead                  i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s       dead                   i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s      dead                    i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s     dead                     i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s    dead                      i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s   dead                       i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s  dead                        i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    s dead                         i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a    sdead                          i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a   sdead                           i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a  sdead                            i         w    i    s    h         i         w    a sdead                             i         w    i    s    h         i         w    asdead                              i         w    i    s    h         i         w   asdead                               i         w    i    s    h         i         w  asdead                                i         w    i    s    h         i         w asdead                                 i         w    i    s    h         i         wasdead                                  i         w    i    s    h         i        wasdead                                   i         w    i    s    h         i       wasdead                                    i         w    i    s    h         i      wasdead                                     i         w    i    s    h         i     wasdead                                      i         w    i    s    h         i    wasdead                                       i         w    i    s    h         i   wasdead                                        i         w    i    s    h         i  wasdead                                         i         w    i    s    h         i wasdead                                          i         w    i    s    h         iwasdead                                           i         w    i    s    h        iwasdead                                            i         w    i    s    h       iwasdead                                             i         w    i    s    h      iwasdead                                              i         w    i    s    h     iwasdead                                               i         w    i    s    h    iwasdead                                                i         w    i    s    h   iwasdead                                                 i         w    i    s    h  iwasdead                                                  i         w    i    s    h iwasdead                                                   i         w    i    s    hiwasdead                                                    i         w    i    s   hiwasdead                                                     i         w    i    s  hiwasdead                                                      i         w    i    s hiwasdead                                                       i         w    i    shiwasdead                                                        i         w    i   shiwasdead                                                         i         w    i  shiwasdead                                                          i         w    i shiwasdead                                                           i         w    ishiwasdead                                                            i         w   ishiwasdead                                                             i         w  ishiwasdead                                                              i         w ishiwasdead                                                               i         wishiwasdead                                                                i        wishiwasdead                                                                 i       wishiwasdead                                                                  i      wishiwasdead                                                                   i     wishiwasdead                                                                    i    wishiwasdead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                   i wish i   was dead                                                                  i wish i     was dead                                                                 i wish i       was dead                                                                i wish i         was dead                                                               i wish i           was dead                                                              i wish i             was dead                                                             i wish i               was dead                                                            i wish i                 was dead                                                           i wish i                   was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                          i wish i                     was dead                                                           i wish i                   was dead                                                            i wish i                 was dead                                                             i wish i               was dead                                                              i wish i             was dead                                                               i wish i           was dead                                                                i wish i         was dead                                                                 i wish i       was dead                                                                  i wish i     was dead                                                                   i wish i   was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                   i wish i was dead                                                                  i wish i was dead                                                                 i wish i was dead                                                                i wish i was dead                                                               i wish i was dead                                                              i wish i was dead                                                             i wish i was dead                                                            i wish i was dead                                                           i wish i was dead                                                          i wish i was dead                                                         i wish i was dead                                                        i wish i was dead                                                       i wish i was dead                                                      i wish i was dead                                                     i wish i was dead                                                    i wish i was dead                                                   i wish i was dead                                                  i wish i was dead                                                 i wish i was dead                                                i wish i was dead                                               i wish i was dead                                              i wish i was dead                                             i wish i was dead                                            i wish i was dead                                           i wish i was dead                                          i wish i was dead                                         i wish i was dead                                        i wish i was dead                                       i wish i was dead                                      i wish i was dead                                     i wish i was dead                                    i wish i was dead                                   i wish i was dead                                  i wish i was dead                                 i wish i was dead                                i wish i was dead                               i wish i was dead                              i wish i was dead                             i wish i was dead                            i wish i was dead                           i wish i was dead                          i wish i was dead                         i wish i was dead                        i wish i was dead                       i wish i was dead                      i wish i was dead                     i wish i was dead                    i wish i was dead                   i wish i was dead                  i wish i was dead                 i wish i was dead                i wish i was dead               i wish i was dead              i wish i was dead             i wish i was dead            i wish i was dead           i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead         i wish i was dead        i wish i was dead       i wish i was dead      i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead    i  wish i was dead   i   wish i was dead  i    wish i was dead i     wish i was dead i      wish i was dead i      wish i was dead i      wish i was dead i      wish i was dead i      wish i was dead i      wish i was dead i     w ish i was dead i    w  ish i was dead i   w   ish i was dead i  w    ish i was dead i w     ish i was dead i w    i sh i was dead i w   i  sh i was dead i w  i   sh i was dead i w i    sh i was dead i wi     sh i was dead i wi    s h i was dead i wi   s  h i was dead i wi  s   h i was dead i wi s    h i was dead i wis     h i was dead i wis    h  i was dead i wis   h   i was dead i wis  h    i was dead i wis h     i was dead i wish      i was dead i wish      i was dead i wish      i was dead i wish      i was dead i wish      i was dead i wish      i was dead i wish     i  was dead i wish    i   was dead i wish   i    was dead i wish  i     was dead i wish i      was dead i wish i      was dead i wish i      was dead i wish i      was dead i wish i      was dead i wish i      was dead i wish i     w as dead i wish i    w  as dead i wish i   w   as dead i wish i  w    as dead i wish i w     as dead i wish i w    a s dead i wish i w   a  s dead i wish i w  a   s dead i wish i w a    s dead i wish i wa     s dead i wish i wa    s  dead i wish i wa   s   dead i wish i wa  s    dead i wish i wa s     dead i wish i was      dead i wish i was      dead i wish i was      dead i wish i was      dead i wish i was      dead i wish i was      dead i wish i was     d ead i wish i was    d  ead i wish i was   d   ead i wish i was  d    ead i wish i was d     ead i wish i was d    e ad i wish i was d   e  ad i wish i was d  e   ad i wish i was d e    ad i wish i was de     ad i wish i was de    a d i wish i was de   a  d i wish i was de  a   d i wish i was de a    d i wish i was dea     d i wish i was dea    d i wish i was dea   d   i wish i was dea  d   i wish i was dea d     i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead di wish i was dea adi wish i was de eadi wish i was d deadi wish i was deadi wish i was s deadi wish i wa as deadi wish i w was deadi wish i was deadi wish i i was deadi wish i was deadi wish h i was deadi wis sh i was deadi wi ish i was deadi w wish i was deadi wish i was deadi i wish i was dead di wish i was dea adi wish i was de eadi wish i was d deadi wish i was deadi wish i was s deadi wish i wa as deadi wish i w was deadi wish i was deadi wish i i was deadi wish i was deadi wish h i was deadi wis sh i was deadi wi ish i was deadi w wish i was deadi wish i was deadi i wish i was dead di wish i was dea adi wish i was de eadi wish i was d deadi wish i was deadi wish i was s deadi wish i wa as deadi wish i w was deadi wish i was deadi wish i i was deadi wish i was deadi wish h i was deadi wis sh i was deadi wi ish i was deadi w wish i was deadi wish i was deadi i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead      i wish i was dead       i wish i was dead        i wish i was dead         i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead         i wish i   was dead        i wish i     was dead       i wish i       was dead      i wish i         was dead     i wish i           was dead    i wish i             was dead   i wish i               was dead  i wish i                 was dead i wish i                   was dead i wish i                     was dead i wish i                   was dead  i wish i                 was dead   i wish i               was dead    i wish i             was dead     i wish i           was dead      i wish i         was dead       i wish i       was dead        i wish i     was dead         i wish i   was dead          i wish i was dead           i wish iwas dead            i wish was dead             i wishwas dead              i wiswas dead               i wiwas dead                i wwas dead                 i was dead                  iwas dead                  was dead                 was deadi                was dead i               was deadh i              was deadsh i             was deadish i            was deadwish i           was dead wish i          was deadi wish i         was dead  i wish i        was dead    i wish i       was dead      i wish i      was dead        i wish i     was dead          i wish i    was dead            i wish i   was dead              i wish i  was dead                i wish i was dead                  i wish i was dead                    i wish i was dead                  i wish i  was dead                i wish i   was dead              i wish i    was dead            i wish i     was dead          i wish i      was dead        i wish i       was dead      i wish i        was dead    i wish i         was dead  i wish i          was deadi wish i           was deai wish i            was dei wish i             was di wish i              was i wish i               wasi wish i                wai wish i                 wi wish i                  i wish i                 i wish i d                i wish i ad               i wish i ead              i wish i dead             i wish i  dead            i wish i s dead           i wish i as dead          i wish i was dead         i wish i   was dead        i wish i     was dead       i wish i       was dead      i wish i         was dead     i wish i           was dead    i wish i             was dead   i wish i               was dead  i wish i                 was dead i wish i                   was dead i wish i                     was dead i wish i                   was dead  i wish i                 was dead   i wish i               was dead    i wish i             was dead     i wish i           was dead      i wish i         was dead       i wish i       was dead        i wish i     was dead         i wish i   was dead          i wish i was dead           i wish iwas dead            i wish was dead             i wishwas dead              i wiswas dead               i wiwas dead                i wwas dead                 i was dead                  iwas dead                  was dead                 was deadi                was dead i               was deadh i              was deadsh i             was deadish i            was deadwish i           was dead wish i          was deadi wish i         was dead  i wish i        was dead    i wish i       was dead      i wish i      was dead        i wish i     was dead          i wish i    was dead            i wish i   was dead              i wish i  was dead                i wish i was dead                  i wish i was dead                    i wish i was dead                  i wish i  was dead                i wish i   was dead              i wish i    was dead            i wish i     was dead          i wish i      was dead        i wish i       was dead      i wish i        was dead    i wish i         was dead  i wish i          was deadi wish i           was deai wish i            was dei wish i             was di wish i              was i wish i               wasi wish i                wai wish i                 wi wish i                  i wish i                 i wish i d                i wish i ad               i wish i ead              i wish i dead             i wish i  dead            i wish i s dead           i wish i as dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead          i wish i was dead         i wish i was dead        i wish i was dead       i wish i was dead      i wish i was dead     i wish i was dead    i wish i was dead   i wish i was dead  i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead

[sophxxe]

Es tut mir leid

Es tut mir leid, auch wenn ich nicht genau weiß was ich getan hab.

Mir tut es leid wenn ich dich verletzt hab oder dich falsch eingeschätzt hab.

Ich weiß du wirst dir diesen Text nie im Leben komplett durchlesen aber trotzdem schreib ich ihn dir damit ich alles los bin bevor unserer Wege sich trennen...

Ich weiß nicht genau wie du für mich empfunden hast oder ob du überhaupt was empfunden hast und ich denke das werde ich auch nie erfahren.

Trotzdem möchte ich dir sagen was ich für dich gefühlt hab; ich weiß wir haben uns nicht oft gesehen und nur ein paar Wochen miteinander geschrieben aber trotzdem hast du mich fasziniert, deine Art, dein Aussehen und deine Augen

Ich weiß nicht ob ich einfach ein schrecklicher Mensch bin, zu selbstsüchtig oder einfach komplett kaputt, ich weiß nur das ich das (was auch immer wir hatten) zerstört hab.

So dass du keine Lust mehr auf mich hattest oder das Gefühl hattest das ich dich nicht genug Wertschätze oder mag

Vielleicht habe ich dich verletzt oder beleidigt und hab es nicht gemerkt und wenn es so war kann ich nur sagen das es mir wirklich leid tut

Ich hab versucht es wieder gut zu machen aber habe es dadurch nur noch schlimmer gemacht indem ich weiter diskutiert hab und die Fehler bei dir gesucht hab obwohl sie bei mir lagen, ich würde gerne versuchen alles rückgängig zu machen aber das geht leider nicht. Ich erwarte auch nicht das du das hier als Entschuldigung akzeptierst ich wollte dir einfach nur sagen das du mir wichtig bist und das ich alles tun würde um meine Fehler wieder gut zu machen.

Ich muss jetzt akzeptieren das ich dich so genervt hab das du keine Lust mehr auf mich hast (was auch sehr verständlich ist); ich wollte dir nur sagen das es mir leid tut und mich wirklich über eine zweite Chance freuen würde bei der ich versuchen könnte alles wieder gut zu machen, ich weiß ich bin nicht in der Position um nach Dingen zu bitten aber ich wollte es dir trotzdem sagen.

Du bist sauer auf mich und ich verstehe warum, ich hab dich falsch eingeschätzt und dich Dingen beschuldigt die ich nicht so meinte, ich war mir nur über deine Intentionen nicht klar und dachte du willst mich so wie viele andere es auch wollten nur für Sex.

Ich hab gemerkt das ich der Auslöser für alle Konflikte war und es tut mir wirklich leid.

Also nochmal Danke für alles: für die schöne Zeit mit dir und das Lächeln das du mir gegeben hast wenn ich eine Nachricht von dir auf meinem Display gesehen hab.

Danke

- für Danil

[sophxxe]

Fast replies make me feel like you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think you’re talking to someone better.

[sophxxe]

[sophxxe]

“I wanted to say something: “I’m sorry,” or perhaps “fuck you.” I wanted to say, “I let you in and you abused that position of trust.” But no no no. I wanted to say, “kiss me please please, we can forget everything.” Or maybe, maybe I just wanted to say, “I forgive you. You’re not sorry but I still forgive you.”

— S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #262