#my old doctor gave me no trouble at all and also gave me a form for handicapped parking

[thedisablednaturalist]

MONTHS SUPPLY OF MEDS BABEY

[edosianorchids901]

Unwritten

@sherlocktember2024 prompt - "train"

It was always something of a relief to be safely ensconced in a private compartment of a train. There was really only one direction from which attack might come, after all. Holmes certainly did not let his guard down even now, but at least he could relax a little.

And he had completed another case, which was also an immense relief. After the little beating he’d received at the hands of Baron Gruner’s men, he’d been somewhat worried that he might prove incapable of returning to work. The blows to the head had given him some trouble.

They were still giving him trouble just now, in fact, in the form of a pervasive headache. He had suffered recurring, sometimes debilitating headaches since Reichenbach Falls, of course. This one, however, had simply continued without interruption since the attack, although at least it was less severe now.

It had been easier to ignore that lingering pain while he was involved with his case. Now he found himself sitting with his left eye squeezed shut, and a hand pressed to his temple. The noise and motion of the train was not precisely helpful for his discomfort, and it had reached a severity that compromised his control.

He generally attempted to avoid showing signs of pain in front of Watson, not wanting to worry him. But Watson seemed to have some difficulty of his own.

At the moment, the good doctor sat with his notebook and pen. That was not unusual. What was far more unusual was that he was not in fact writing at all, merely staring very sadly out the train window at the world rattling past.

“Watson,” Holmes called softly, and Watson jumped. “Dear me, what is the matter?”

“Oh. Nothing, Holmes.” Quickly, as if hoping Holmes hadn’t seen it, Watson wiped his eyes. “I just got a little lost in thought, that’s all.”

“Do you always weep while lost in thought?”

The gentle sarcasm had the intended effect. Watson gave him an unimpressed look and relaxed a little. “I wasn’t weeping, Holmes. Just a little teary.”

“Mm.” Holmes was exceedingly disinclined to move at the moment, but he could not bear the thought of being on the opposite side of a compartment from Watson at present. He rose, winced, and perched cross-legged on the seat beside his companion. “Pray tell me why you are teary.”

“You’re quite nosy today, aren’t you?”

“I shall gladly take any conversation that might prove a distraction from my headache.” Holmes glanced at the blank page. “You could, perhaps, tell me what you are attempting to write.”

Watson sighed and closed his notebook, although he did not put down his pen. “The two problems are connected, old man.”

“Ah.” Irritation sparked through him, and he thumped his fist against his brow. That very much did not help his headache. “Of course, I ought to have realized. You were attempting to write about our recent little case involving Baron Gruner, I presume.”

“I was, yes. I’m afraid I did not get very far.” A shiver rippled through Watson, and he moved closer. Close enough that their shoulders pressed together. “When I saw that newspaper headline… Holmes, I was more scared than I’ve been since the Falls. I was terrified that I’d lost you again. And when I saw you, you were so hurt…”

“It’s all right, Watson.” Gently, Holmes extracted the pen from Watson’s tight grasp, then clasped his trembling hand. “I am well on the road to recovery, in large part thanks to your care and assistance.”

“I know. But that is still all I can think about.” With another shiver, Watson pressed even closer to him. “Every time I try to write about it, I am immediately flung back into that utter horror, that fear, that sense of doom. I have not been able to escape that moment.”

“Then perhaps it is best not to write of it just yet. There shall be plenty of time.” Holmes flashed a quick smile, and Watson managed to smile in return. “Now, perhaps it is best that we both turn our attention to other things. I should be glad of a distraction, as I said, and I suspect that you would as well.”

Soon, they were deeply involved in a discussion of a novel that they had both read recently, losing themselves in the joy of analysis and debate. They did not, however, stop holding hands or move apart. There were many benefits to private train compartments, after all.

[heybiji]

hey can you gush about your PCs you're running your MASKS game for?

YES! ABSOLUTELY! I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE!! I LOVE GETTING TO GUSH ABOUT MY PLAYERS

This is long, so it'll be under the cut. Snip snip.

The Delinquent (Breaker/Westley Garza)

Powers: Teleportation, power negation

Westley is summed up in his quote, "What're you gonna do? Stop me?"

He's our delinquent boy and known as "the meta kid" or "the freak" at school because everyone knows about his teleportation. He's cocky and rebellious, but he's also pretty sociable, in a dickish sort of way. His mom was still a teenager when she gave birth to him, they've lived a pretty transient lifestyle, and he's the poorest of all the PCs. He's also a secret superhero nerd and knows the most about the heroes in the city (but outwardly, being a fan of superheroes is lame!). We've referred to him as the secret Beacon because he's the one who pulled all the kids together to form a team. After all, his powers aren't great for solo work, but he could be a superhero if he had a team!

oh, yeah, one of his powers is a secret (or supposed to be). He found out about his power negation when he was 10 years old and he fell out of a skyscraper's top floor when something crashed into it, and was saved by flying vigilante True Strike... until True Strike started falling with him. fortunately, another flying hero was around, Aldebaran, and True Strike tossed the kid to her. and then she started falling. This resulted in the city's infamous Dino Donut incident (or The Day Dino Donut Died) where True Strike flew over and grabbed Aldebaran, who was still holding Westley, and they softened their crash landing by flying into and popping the city's beloved gigantic Dino Donut balloon that floated over the city's favorite donut chain. this traumatized the city's kids and upset the city's adults who also grew up with Dino Donut, and True Stike never offered an explanation for killing the balloon, because then it would require confessing that there's a kid with a dangerous superpower, power negation, around. this resulted in True Strike becoming a joke and the city turning on him.

so. westley feels incredibly guilty about this. no one knows he was involved in the Dino Donut incident other than his single mother, Aldebaran, and True Strike (who went to visit him that night and told him he MUST keep his power negation power a secret; otherwise, there would trouble him and his mother). But when he suspected Sydnee knew where True Strike was, he was excited to find out that he was still around.

but now westley's Breaker (like circuit breaker), and he's using the power negation more! but as long as no one finds out about it'll be okay, right?

i like westley a lot, i also just know a bunch about him because his player gave me a LOT of information to work with which I LOOOOOVE, yum yum yum. he's got some compartmentalization going on between being a superhero and, in his civilian life, flouting rules and laws. he has yet to have a "westley episode" where we really put him under the microscope, but it's coming very soon (the Christmas episode! finally Westley and True Strike will get to talk again after all these years!!).

The Doomed (Poltergeist/Adrian SantaRosa Montañéz)

Powers: Psychic constructs, vitality absorption

Adrian is a cutie. He's a good boy. He's a nerd. In his civilian life, no one seems to notice him; it's like he's a ghost! He's the brains, and he has the biggest heart and the most heroic instinct out of all the PCs. Unfortunately, he's infected by a fatal parasite that is giving him his superpowers by his nemesis, who the characters call The Doctor (she also gave him a personal home phone call where she rambled on about some guinea worm parasite body horror).

He's a lonely kid, too! He doesn't have many friends, and his scientist parents seem to only pay more attention to him now out of scientific curiosity. oh yeah, the parent thing is becoming a problem, because they don't want him using his superpowers outside of the lab but they are not beginning to suspect he's been doing just that, since his hair is turning white...

also he is funny. he provides a lot of comedy relief. he's a simp for his childhood friend and the former cheerleader, Amber Chu/Terracotta. we get to spend some moments just seeing what adrian is seeing in his head and it's always fun.

The Outsider (LGM/Eridani A Aurita)

Powers: Flight, telepathy, alien tech

Eridani is a straight-up alien. Aliens announced their presence a decade ago, and now the alien ambassador and his daughter, Eridani, are on Earth! okay, and Eridani is great because she gets many of her perceptions of earth life through our media, and most of all through the series of TV shows/movies that her favorite actor and superhero, Lena Glazier, stars in! imagine like those old mary kate and ashley movies, or disney channel movies, with some hilary duff in there too. Lena Glazier's big role was starring in the show Space Case, which is also why she was chosen to go to the alien mothership with some other heroes back in the day to establish a relationship with the aliens

Her name is LGM (like Little Green Men) because some symbols from an old patch of hers resemble those letters. She can't reveal her identity because we earthlings would not be chill with the alien girl getting involved like this! And her dad would not be happy about it either. especially with her alien tech, which can not be shared with the earthlings (which we refer to as her tasergun or her wikigun)

eridani's a sweet one, i see her as the innocent one of the group! she also seems to be developing a crush on adrian/poltergeist, and I ship her with our dumb emo boy/damsel in distress character joey luna (alien... luna... you see). we are also constantly joking about the impending intergalactic incident that will occur if something happens to eridani. oops.

The Protege (Pink Fury/Sydnee Rogers)

Powers: Super strength, elemental control (fire)

Sydnee is the protege of former vigilante and current disaster hermit True Strike. Well, she thinks of herself as his protege, but he's not giving her that much.

Sydnee's stuck between wanting a normal life and wanting to be a superhero too (a similar situation to what her mentor went through, and it didn't end well for him. successful separation of the two lives, but it cost him his family and dignity). Her mother works in the meta foster care system, so she is worried about being taken away due to her dangerous powers (super strength and fire control), so she keeps her metahuman status secret.

But she can't help herself! She's on the softball team even though there are no metahumans allowed on the school sports teams, so she holds herself back and lets her team suck to not get any eyes on her (everyone else on the team sucks, too, they're called the Pussykats since the school mascot is a meerkat). She wants to be a superhero, and is training under True Strike, but if anyone finds out she's a metahuman that could spell trouble for her civilian life!

Her big thing is "not being good enough," and boy, is it rubbed in her face a LOT. True Strike criticizes her (somewhat deservedly; she claims she's trying her hardest but isn't), and she's not very discreet, which has made her relationship with Westley incredibly tense because she knows about his secret power and he doesn't trust her with it after her several slip-ups regarding True Strike.

we're actually in the middle of a Sydnee episode where True Strike has "fired" her, and I'm excited to see how it wraps up! Will she get her mentorship back?!

The Transformed (Terracotta/Amber Chu)

Powers: Transmuting flesh, elevated defense

Amber is a former cheerleader, School Jewel (think The Plastics), and mean girl, but after an accident involving a villain at prom, now her skin is constantly melting! Which is, like, so not cool. She's been ostracized from her former friend group, kicked off the cheerleading squad, and has dropped exponentially in the school hierarchy.

look amber's power is gross. her eye falls out of its socket sometimes. students have referred to her as Amber Goo.

I love Amber. She's an absolute disaster and the easiest to poke at in civilian life because she cares so much about her social standing, so she is my GM dream come true. She's dealing with a lot, like her former prom queen mom can hardly look at her. And she is enjoying being Terracotta because it means she doesn't have to be Amber Chu, even though it now seems like the more she's Terracotta, the worse her condition is getting (her skin is changing color?!). Uh oh.

at the moment, things are pretty good for her, though. she hasn't been melting down as much, and somehow she is dating the captain of the football team, Blake Borisov (he's terrible, but he's hot), because they both want to rub it in Jade Jensen's, her ex-best friend and his ex-girlfriend's, face. which is stressing the player out, because of course it can only go south from here.

Anywho, I love these characters and my players! They've been on their A-games and playing to get the next issue picked up. For my first time running MASKS (or any PBTA game, and it just being my second time GMing in general) it's been a lot of fun. And they have graciously put up with me doing and asking for... a lot.

Thanks for the question! I hope to get to talk more about our MASKS game in the future!

[marymary-diva17]

All eyes on you

The past and future had always had ways of intertwine in one's life, bring back old faces of friends and mentors. Now that the future holds new for them all but also remembering the past as well. There has been something that past and future have kept going, the power of attraction.

y/n " ......." you are standing in the forest of Pandora looking at all the nature was that out there, you always love coming out and just enjoying nature for a bit.

????? " y/n"

y/n " over here Jake" Jake soon came walking towards you holding his weapon tightly, as he looked around making sure no danger had come their way.

y/n " Jake there no need to be so worried you need to relax, if you do one bad move can you can bring yourself trouble"

Jake " sure"

y/n " it seems like you are enjoying your avatar body"

Jake " well the tail and ear are something I need to get use to, but heck it good to use my legs again I swear I run a mile"

y/n " there is enough space here for you to see and explore Jake, you don't always have to be a solider when you are with the group ... just enjoy what in front of us"

Jake " well I'm order strict orders but I will do my best" you are a scientist and apart of the avatar program, when you have been part of the program since you were a child. As you aunt grace had help teach you about the navi, you even got to attend school with them and form friendships as well.

y/n " is everything going well for you since you join the program, I know my aunt grace had been cold towards you and she has her reason but she will come around shorty"

Jake " thanks y/n those words make me feel good I'm doing my best it still hard to believe I'm even here and learning about this place even more and the navi .... Tommy was supposed to come here he had everything planned he was the best of the pair of us"

y/n " Tommy would be proud of you Jake and happy you have come here, and started living your life I know you will do well here ... I good to have some good faced like you and norm I hope we can become friends while you are here it will be good"

Jake " thank you" Jake was not going to lie but he did find you very attentive, he was not the only one that felt that way. He did enjoy having time alone with you here and there, for the past few days since his arrival here. He did wish to to become closer with you then just friends, but he knew if he was caught it will be the end of him. As he was have to deal with grace who already didn't, like him for being a solider but there was also the colonel he feared as well.

grace " hey you two"

y/n " hey aunt grace we are doing well I have been looking over these beautiful flowers and plants"

grace " that my girl hey marine good job today maybe you wil be good after all"

Jake " thank you ma'am" grace soon looks at Jake before she walked away to go do more work with norm.

y/n " see I told you she will come around good job Jake" you had given Jake a smile that had made him smile, there was so much about you that attracted him to you.

y/n " remember to we have to be careful when we are here"

Jake " understood and I will make sure to keep everyone here safe"

y/n "Thank you, and you have my full trust." You gave Jake another smile and laugh as you studied the flowers and plants. Jake had taken some time to glance at you while outside. There always seemed to be someone who had become attracted to you, such as someone with the RDA or avatar program. Jake had been able to get closer to you during that time, but the happy time was soon interrupted when trouble came. First, it was a strumbeast spooked by Jake, on gue grace, and Nomr came running. The more significant trouble came as the thanator came across the group, soon having everyone running for their lives and getting separated.

Later on

jake "The sun is setting"

y/n "Yes and soon enough, nighttime will be upon us how are you feeling from the chase and running"

jake "I feel good you are a good doctor"

y/n " thank you I had some good teachers" the pair had been walking when nighttime had soon fallen upon them.

Jake ' here its get some light here or we will be walking in dark" Jake had found a stick and started making a touch with a rag, and some sap.

y/n " wait Jake no that will ..." it was to late as the fire soon light and Jake looked at you.

y/n " Jake out that fire out now before they come"

Jake " who comes ..." soon some growls and barks had been heard, and soon enough viper wolves had shown themselves.

Jake " y/n stay close to me"

y/n " Jake" soon the viper loves started attacking the pair, you had been talked by one but kicked it off. Remember the lesson you had taken part in when you were very young. More viper wolves had started coming, Jake was doing his best to fight back the creatures.

????? " Ahhh" soon someone yelling had gained attention and soon a male navi warrior, had landed on the ground and started fighting the creatures left and right.

????? " ......" the warrior was hissing at some of the wolves who ran off into the night he, soon stood up and grabbed the touch. He didn't seem very happy as he soon tossed it into some water.

Jake " hey don't we need that ..." you had looked at the pair as they stood far from each other, the unknown warrior who saved you and Jake was no longer unknown. As the warrior had noticed one his arrow had hit a viper wolf, and went to right thing for the creature.

Jake " thank you for saving us back there we would of been sweared back there"

y/n " neytiro"

neytiro " y/n" soon more sounds of the wild life and natured had been heard. neytiro grabbed your hand and started walking away with you, as Jake had followed behind.

Jake " hey dude thanks for saving us but slow there and where are you going and taking y/n" neytiro was not liking this male dreamwalker that was with his childhood best friend at the moment.

Jake " I just wanted to say thank you for fighting those creatures, I and my friend here will be big trouble" neytiro soon let go of your hand and smack Jake with his bow knocking him down.

neytiro " don't thank you don't thank for this sad very sad only"

Jake " okay I'm sorry"

neytiro " this is your fault they didn't need to die and you almost got y/n hurt or worst"

Jake " hey how is this my fault and I will not let harm come to her"

neytiro " you are like a baby making noise don't know what to do"

Jake " okay I understand so why didn't you let your forest friends come at us, why save us"

neytiro " why save you both y/n has a pure heart and you have a mighty one ... strong hearts the both of you"

Jake " ....."

neytiro " ....."

y/n " neytiro you owe your greatly for saving us and we are sorry for what happened" neytiro rage had soon calm down as you had looked at him.

neytiro " you have done nothing wrong but he has done wrong"neytiro had walked away but Jake had followed, as you had done the same.

Jake " so if I'm like a child then teach me"

neytiro " sky people like you can't learn if you don't see"

Jake " then teach me how to see y/n"

neytiro " no on can teach you how to see" you shake your head as both male as keep their distance but talking as well.

Jake " so you learn to speak English from grace shoool ... little help" Jake almost fall over but neytiro grabbed him as you looked at him.

neytiro " the both of you shouldn't be here there a way to your home from here"

Jake " no we are staying"

y/n " we should've be fighting with each other both of you" both males had become quite when wood spirts had come, by some landing on Jake as he swap them away. Making neytiro mad at him even more, but soon more had come towards you. Both males had seen you smile brightly and laugh as well.

neytiro " come the both of you now" neytiro had started moving ahead as you, and Jake followed behind him. The travel had been cut short, when Jake was kicking off the tree truck by something. You had race to his aid and that when more navi warriors had come out of hiding. You had come face to face with many old friends as the pointed spear and arrows at you and Jake.

Jake " do you know all of these guys"

y/n " yes and neytiro as well I will explain in time"

neytiro " calm my people calm"

neytiro " what are you doing tsu'tey"

tsu'tey " you know these demons are forbidden"

neytiro " There has been a sign and matter for the tshaik, and also something else to speak about with olo'eythan as well"

tsu'tey " bring them" the warrior and tsu'tey had seem to see your face at the moment, as they soon took you and Jake to home tree. After all these times you were finally going to see the call and home tree once again. Finally going back to the other place you had called home, and made good memories as well.

Hometree

Jake " wow this is their home"

y/n " yes" the pair had been taken to the front where tsu'tey and neytiro are speaking with eyuthan.

eyuthan " why have you brought demons here I have forbidden them"

neytiro " father I brought them for a good reason"

eyuthan " there is smell of demon in my nose from one"

Jake " what is he saying"

neytiro " my father decided if he should have you killed"

Jake ' father hello sir ....." Jake was trying to shake eyuthan hand when it set all the warriors off, you had came to front protecting Jake.

tsu'tey " y/n"

y/n " hello tsu'tey"

eyuthan " y/n"

y/n " hello olo'eythan eyuthan" the warriors and lower their spears and looked at you.

???? " enough let me see them" soon mo'at voice had been heard, as she made her way towards everyone.

Jake " ....."

neytiro " that is mother she is tsahaik she does the will of eywa"

Jake " who eywa"

y/n " I will tell you all later on for now don't do anything else, human like for now"

mo'at " y/n"

y/n " hello tshiak mo'at"

mo'at " y/n you have returned to back to us welcome you have dearly missed"

y/n " I have missed you all as well"

mo'at " so you have not come here alone I see another one ... what are you called"

Jake " Jake sully"

mo'at " why have you come here"

Jake " I have come here to learn along side y/n in hopes"

mo'at " we have tried to teach sky people and only some have seen our ways, but not many you can't fill a cup that already full"

Jake " well my cup half empty ask grace if you ask y/n she will be nice and say I can learn"

y/n " he can learn I know that"

mo'at " what are you"

Jake " a warrior a member of jar head clan"

tsu'tey " he a warrior I can get rid of him easily y/n you can do better, then this man"

eyuthan " no he is the first warrior dreamwalker we have seen, and he also come with someone we all know and have missed ... we need to learn more about him"

mo'at " my son you will teach him the ways"

neytiro " why me that not fair"

y/n " please neytiro"

mo'at " y/n will be your student as well she didn't learn everything yet, and it will be good to have her back" neytiro had nodded his head as you had smiled.

mo'at " learn well the both of you and Jake sully we will see if your sanity can be cursed son take him to change ... y/n come with me we will find you some clothes" Jake had been lead away as he saw some members of the clan speak with you and embrace you in hugs. It seems like you had been able to attractive even navi as well. During dinner it had been going good, then Jake and neytiro had arrived.

neytiro " sit here and eat" neytiro had give some food to Jake as he sat on your left and neytiro to your right.

Jake " so this is dinner"

y/n " it good try it this day has been interesting after all" Jake had nodded his head and started eating his food.

Jake "so they all seem to like you"

y/n " yes I grown up here and become close to many over the years"

neytiro " it good to have you back there is so much to talk about"

y/n " yes there neytiro"

Jake "the food is good so what your name"

neytiro " neytiro"

Jake " neyt ...neytir .... neytiro" neytiro just rolled his eyes at Jake and shake his head. Dinner had been a good time for everyone, but now it was time for bed. Neytiro had shown the pair where they will be sleep, in a hut with two hammock and enough space between them both.

y/n “ it good to be back here after being away for so long”

neytiro “ it good to have you back with us now get some rest, I will see you and Jake sully tomorrow for lesson” neytiri hugged you before left, as you soon went into the hut and saw Jake.

Jake “ today has been a long day”

y/n “ yes it has but it has been good in the end after all, and tomorrow will be great as well”

Jake “ yes well goodnight and see you on the other side”

y/n “ good night as well and see you very soon”the pair had laid in their hammock beds, as they soon went off to bed. Today had been a good day for you indeed and you can’t wait, to see what the future days have in store for everyone. There had been many things that had been leaned today, that has to do with the past and might reflect the future to come on pandora and everyone who was residence on the planet.

[omegaremix]

Veterans’ Path, 2019.

This year’s one for stasis, an equilibrium that gave no leeway for possibility or moves. It’s not a good feeling when you’re dealing with depression after a major heartbreaker and you need some serious outs to move on. You leave it in someone’s hands to help make some of those changes. Instead, they fall short and constantly buy time, your time you’ll never have back. It doesn’t help any when doctor’s appointments, meetings with investors, pending vacation-weeks, the desire to escape to the city and see family are on the backburner for months instead of mere days, so things are never answered for. Everyday you deal with toxic, needy people who literally drain you of your resources for their own personal needs without any etiquette or consideration of your well-being or sanity. You bleed money for their failures and mistakes. You sit idle while you see your friends, allies, family, and everyday people make moves while your hands are tied tightly behind your back and there’s nothing you can do about it.

So what can you do when the high cost of auto repairs, late inspections, and the constant delivery of traffic violations and tickets keep you grounded? Nothing…except take a walk down to your local veteran’s path on your days off. It’s been the only form of escapism and a reprieve of leaving behind the disruptive anxiety-driving components back home. Walk out the front door, then along the service road and under the highway, down one clean residential street, turn a couple of corners, down another street where houses and open skies phase into heavily wooded areas, and finally you’re there.

Arrive at the veteran’s path where there’s always a pick-up game on the asphalt. Families of three, five, even seven – some with their kids on tricycles or dogs – walk together through elevated wooden plankways that zig-zag though the trees. Smell the sharp scent of apples, shampoo, or shades of ocean mist just by walking past the young Spanish girls who kindly smile and say ‘hi’ to you as you walk past them. Trees of emerald leaves in the spring or red, orange, and yellow leaves in the Autumn stand above a newly-replenished pond creating a mesmerizing near-perfect reflection. Walk off the pathways for the many heavily-wooded dirt roads or walk past the pond to find a hidden treasure: the graffiti tunnel doubling as an underpass for the railroad tracks above. Leave the veteran’s path and wash your hands at the bathroom which reeks of a church cellar and its’ soap dispensers pour out liquid lavender that makes a subtle mark on your trek. Two hours is enough time to dismiss your troubles, sort out your next moves, and even make a phone call or two to your family; all before arrive home right before sundown to catch up on the rest of the day’s posting, graphics, editing, and auditioning. Another quiet, peaceful day written in the record books.

Of course, I wouldn’t have an afternoon walk without something to listen to. My iPhone SE (32GB) replaced my seven year-old iPod Classic (160GB). With limited space, I only take about three months of finds with me. Those two hours of walking means I have more time to audition music for upcoming Omega WUSB shows. What’s in it, then? In case you truly care, it’s mostly city: d.i.y, safe-space, post-punk, indie. You can thank some of my friends and allies at the station for the first four. You can also thank Post-Trash, Brooklyn Vegan, Gold Flake Paint, and Alt-Citizen; all whose featured shining stars post their new sounds on Bandcamp and Soundcloud.

Jazz / fusion has taken me to places that no longer exist; places I never been to that I could never visit in a physical realm ever again. It makes me feel things only a very few can now imagine or understand. If someone lived or experienced it vicariously through the passing images, typesets, colors, aesthetics, and sounds that I have, then you’d understand.

Post-punk, d.i.y., or city? Not so much. The time is now and is very much alive, thriving and changing by the year because it’s here. Aesthetics of Wharf Cat, Katorga Works, Public Practice’s Distance Is A Mirror, Future Punx’s This Is Post-Wave, Gong Gong Gong’s Phantom Rhythm, Current Affairs, Boulders, Merchandise…I assure you get it by now. They, too, made me feel things to my own liking while many others in the scene are simply living in it. My aforementioned friends at the station: Conor, Layne, Toasty, Alosha, Kiki of Horrorscope… they bring their d.y.i. / city mindset to the station and it’s why Omega WUSB is feeling very proud of itself. As all this cycles in my head, it feels like I’m living another life, a life I’ve been trying to achieve. Scenarios I envision can be entirely possible and are waiting for me. I truly feel like I’m somewhere else; a place that’s very real but still far away from me…for now. That’s how powerful the connection is.

It’s been a void year for me, and such an anti-climactic way to end the decade. Only fitting after having a very wild year of extreme euphoria and collapse. The several trips to-and-from Veteran’s Path was the only thing I had to myself this year aside from a rainy Spring day out at Central Park. As a creator, you do your best in making something out of what you have. All you need is a time, location, soundtrack, and motive, and you have the makings of a new experience; a new mechanism for surviving an empty era.

Duckis demo

Annabel Lee “Hi Hi Hi”

Ex Hex “Cosmic Cave”

Garcia Peoples “Feel So Great”

Rong “Cup”

Spirits Having Fun “Auto-Portrait”

Ripped Jeans “Afraid”

Public Practice “Foundation”

Dig Nitty “Angel Calling”

Current Affairs “Breeding Feeling”

Strobobean Winter

C.H.E.W. “Bread and Circus”

My Brightest Diamond “Quiet Loud”

Free Time “Esoteric Tizz”

Sneaks “Tough Luck”

Patio “Legacy Continued”

Big French “Alison”

Jeanines “Is It Real”

Diat Positive Energy

VV Torso “Blood”

Dry Cleaning Sweet Princess

Weeping Icon “Teeth (& A Handbag)”

N0V3L “To Whom I May Concern”

Model/Actriz “New Face”

Channels “To The New Mandarins”

Sub Dio s/t

Bangzz “Your Boyfriend Is Really Bringing Me Down”

Ing “Closet”

Palm “Heavy Lifting”

Nazca Plate “Blotter”

Necking ”Big Mouth”

Pllush “Soft In The Dark” (1st VER)

Being Dead “Apostles’ Prom”

Remote Viewing “Whitney Houston, We Have A Problem”

Taiwan Housing Project “Buy Buy Buy”

Lungbutter “Vile”

Knife Wife “Every Living Thing”

Preoccupations “Pontiac 87”

Gong Gong Gong “Siren”

Dumb “Club Nites”

Second Still “You Two So Alike”

Rapid Tan “Gravy Baby”

Dry Cleaning “Sweet Princess”

Palm “Forced Hand”

Lunch Lady “Sweet One”

Kitten Forever “Hell Hole”

Necking “Spare Me”

Thanks For Coming “We Can’t Both Be Crazy”

Mock Identity “Where You Live”

Doe “Team Spirit”

There’s so much more than all the post-punk and d.i.y. I found. It wouldn’t be fair to ignore our rule of “as it happens, when it happens, anything goes.” The jazz / fusion time-and-space travel is still very much in operation. Down further is our new-found interest in Oakland / Mexican death-rock. Omega WUSB didn’t have a Halloween special this year so it didn’t get its’ day in the darkness. (Were you expecting sunshine?). Finally, some random spins of the wheel in synthpop, synthwave, electronics, hip-hop, and hardcore.

Walt Barr “Free Spirit”

Edgar Vercy “La Mer”

Paul Williams “Wistful Dreams”

Pasteur Lappe “Na Real Sekele Fo Ya”

Phil Upchurch “Black Gold”

Teddy Lasry “Riverhead”

Walt Barr “Creepin’”

Ötzi

Kurräka

False Figure

Cruz de Navajas

Zotz

Adrenochrome

CRVEL

Mystique

Pawns

CHKBNS “Can You And Me Still Have Fun?”

Canal Street Electronics “Deep Red”

Glued “No Past”

Odwalla 88 “What The..”

Sleazy “Cauchemar Administratif”

Your Old Droog “Bubble Hill”

Cave In “Winter Window”

Kedr Livanskiy “Kiska”

Planit Hank f. Jeru The Damaja & Buckshot & AZ “Life In Crooklyn”

[agent-scotch]

TEAM EFFORT

Summary: Sora exploits some Kingsman resources to aid her in meeting Huck's family, with the help of Maria. However there are no lack of nosy people in the field, who need entertainment.

Characters: Maria Bloomsco @tealeavesandthorns; James Davenport, Charlie Dawson, Huck Wells @ohsolovingsouls; Sora and Joe Asai. Also Barney <3

Notes: I honestly had no idea of how to end and wanted to post it before I hyper fixate. It was hilarious to write. Love the idea of work place shenanigans, I hope i did all the characters justice. I imagine this to be like the mission control of Cabin in the woods. Excuse the grammar, this is honestly my first drabble so I tried. Kingsman. OCs. Drabble.

Maria massaged Barney’s neck as she watched the monitors at Mission Control. Being an overseer was never of much interest, too much responsibility for her anxiety to handle but she saw how it could be appealing. However this wasn’t any old run of the mill mission. No. This was an under the radar, top secret, her eyes only infiltration of the highest caliber - in the name of love. 

“Oh Huck has eyes just like his mother. How adorable! Is everyone in the family that….large?” Maria remarked into the comms observing through Sora’s glasses as she became acquainted with the Wells Family. Hearing a cough from Sora snapped Maria back into focus and looked at the clipboard before her. There was a partially finished family tree in the form of a flow chart to help aid in identifying each ‘target’....family member. 

“Bernadette! Or Bernie for short. She’s a wood sculptor. Didn’t you say Huck’s cabin used to be her’s?”, Maria said into the mic before releasing it. The day went on as she watched Sora go about the scenic family property, jotting a few notes in preparation for when Sora would attend her first major Wells Family gathering. 

A polite knock at the door broke the silence.

“Who is it?” she called out, pausing in the middle of writing. 

“Maria?” the doctor answered in confusion, “I-It’s me, Joe - Am I interrupting something?”

“Oh no no, not at all. Come in, Come in,” Shooting up from her chair. Quickly doing her best to hide the notes on the desk and the monitor by standing in front as Joe walked in. He paused seeing the mess on the desk and Maria standing in a rather tedious position.

“I….I didn’t expect you at the helm, what are you doing here?” He asked crossing his arms and tilting his head to see what she was hiding, if there was a person who could spot a lie it was him. Barney greeted him with a bark.

“Oh N-nothing, Merlin is away, which gave me opportunity to o-organize some things, office parties and uuumm archiving, yes, missions and doing….data,” the archivist said sheepishly. 

“Data, huh?” Joe laughed walking closer, placing his hands in his pockets, “And what data have you recovered from Huck's mother playing with Yuki?” 

Maria glanced at the monitor before smiling back at Joe with a blush. He raised his brows in a way that Maria couldn’t refuse. There was no point trying to cover it up. She looked at him in slight shame; this had to be some form of misuse of workplace resources. “Alright, you caught me. But in the name of true love -See, your sister is in seattle.“

“-Being introduced to Huck’s family?” Joe finished Maria's train of thought, making her smile.

Of course he knew, he was her brother after all. He walked up and examined the half finished flow chart of Huck’s family tree. Taking a seat next to Maria, he retrieved the silver pen from his breast pocket and put on his glasses. She watched as he filled in a few more names and added some of his own notes. Giving it a few more thoughts, he shrugged and handed the clipboard back to Maria.

“That’s as much as I got,” the doctor replied with amusement. He too found it entertaining that someone of Sora’s reputation was having such trouble with the ordeal. “She was burning a hole into my office floor last week worrying about this specific visit.” 

Maria laughed having also witnessed what he described, “Would you like some tea, Joe?” 

“That would be lovely, Maria,” Joe replied softly with a simple nod, he never could refuse a cup from her. 

Pouring him a cup and they watched the scenario play out on the monitor. As people appeared, Joe wordlessly pointed at the name out and some information for Maria to relay to Sora, not wanting his sister to know he too was on the other end. Joe didn’t want to admit it but manning mission control with Maria was rather enjoyable.

After an hour a knock interrupted them but before they could answer the door swung open followed by the sound of heels. 

“There you are, Joe; I’ve been looking all over for you”, Charlie exclaimed with a hand on her hip before walking over to him with a rather hefty file. 

“Why, Thank you,” he said before flipping through the contents. 

“What’s all going on here,” Charlie inquired, squinting at the screens.

Reaching, Charlie stole a biscuit from Maria’s tea tray. Maria fumbled on her words, struggling to decide whether it would be wise to tell the truth or breeze over it to someone in an administrative position. Joe on the other hand knew Charlie and her friendship with Sora enough to know that she would find out what was happening whether someone liked it or not. They were in the field of intelligence gathering after all. 

“Sora’s shitting herself meeting Huck’s cartoonishly huge family for thanksgiving in Seattle. So Maria is manning the helm. It’s like watching Full house,” Joe said bluntly while still flipping through the files. 

“Joseph!” Maria gasped, elbowing his side. 

“What? Charlie would find out sooner or later, it’s more effort to lie than to tell the truth,” Joe chuckled and placed the file aside to return to the ‘mission’ at hand.

“Oh this I have to see!” Charlie said pulling a chair next to Joe who flashed a ‘told you so’ look at Maria. 

“You see the couple over there,” he pointed at a couple in the living room, Maria zoomed in. “Huck told me he’s not a fan of them. They are not going to last this to the end of Thanksgiving from what I recall. My hunch is one of them is having an affair - and it’s the man.”

“I bet it’s the woman,” Charlie added, observing the couple.

“What makes you think that?” Maria questioned with a head tilt.

“She’s been awfully friendly to the other spouses. I know a homewrecker when I see one.” Charlie answered, confidently crossing her arms. 

“You that confident eh?”Joe smirked before taking a sip of his tea, “Enough to bet on it? Say… 60£?”

“45,” Charlie clapped back. 

“55,” Joe bargained. 

“50. And a bottle of wine,” she challenged.

“Fine,” Joe caved with amusement before reaching into his pants for his wallet. The both of them placed the money on the table. Maria also added to the pool earning a look for both of them. At some point Charlie had left briefly and came back with a bottle of wine. 

“The children are adorable. So far I’ve counted 6, there should be more arriving tomorrow I believe.” Maria remmarked, taking a bite of a biscuit as Sora spoke to one of his sisters. Time had passed and in the corner of the screen Huck could be seen pacing around and pulled out his phone. 

Joe sighed and fished out his phone. Within a matter of seconds the screen lit up with a message, like clockwork. Both Charlie and Maria leaned into Joe to see the message:

J, my throat’s feelin a bit itchy after eating my ma’s pineapple upside down.

“I’m not an allergist.”Joe rolled his eyes and groaned, “It’s mild though, some Reactine will clear it up.”

“Good idea - Sora, sweetheart,” Maria advised into the mic, “Perhaps it’s best to check on Huck. He may have helped himself to too much of his mother’s pineapple upside down cake.”

“Text Huck to keep an eye on Sora as well, liquor and stress might exacerbate what impulses may be going through her,” Charlie said from experience. Joe nodded in agreement and responded to Huck’s text. They watched the couple convene, where Sora luckily had remembered to pack Reactine for Huck.

“Oh my!” interrupted a voice from behind the three of them, two hours later.It was all too recognizable.” I don’t remember seeing any late night stake outs scheduled.” 

”James!” Charlie and Maria greeted in-sync. 

“Ladies!” James said brightly,”......Doctor Asai.”

“Is there not a lock on that door?” Joe furrowed, glancing back.

“What do we have here? Three unlikely people at mission control and not Merlin. Must be something very serious,” he remarked, walking over charismatically.

“Scotch and Rum are in Seattle to meet his family for the first time, ever. I have been tasked to assist with this precarious mission to successfully plant her in the hearts of the Wells Family as Huck’s beau,” Maria answered like summarizing a novel. Leaning James looked at the ever growing notes and family tree they have been continually adding to. “….Sora is unaware of these two”

“This ought to be interesting,” James chuckled as it sparked his interest. “And the 150 quid on the table?”

“Joe says this couple here are on the verge, due to an affair……and put money down on who….as well as me and Charlie” Maria explained, batting her eyes innocently then showing the couple on the monitor. James gave a squint and studied the two. 

Reaching into his coat he pulled out a 50£ bill and added to Charlie’s side, “It’s the woman, I’ve been on enough missions to read the body language of a woman on the prowl.”

“Wine anyone?” Charlie offered, holding a bottle. Without a hesitation all three raised their hands. Joe gulped the last of his tea and held his cup as did Maria. Luckily there was an extra glass for James who perched himself on the desk. They were in it for the long run it seems.

“Does anyone have the time for Seattle?” Maria inquired looking at the monitors where it seemed like everyone was convening into the dining area. “because that is quite the feast Huck’s mother has made for someone her age.”

“The Wells family take family meals very seriously. This isn’t even the thanksgiving dinner, that’s tomorrow” Joe said looking at his phone,”Huck knows his way around a kitchen.”

“Remind me to ask him for some recipes when they’re back,” Maria swooned, studying the spread before them. 

“Isn’t that the 8th drink Sora‘s had,” Charlie giggled.

“Depending on how long Huck’s arm has been around her. There seems to be only so many plausible outcomes.” James said. 

“Stop, please”, Joe interrupted with his head in his hands, sinking into his chair. Maria gave his shoulder a rub while trying to stifle her laughter. 

“20£, during the main course,” James challenged cheekily.

“No! We are not! Not on my sister” Joe exclaimed sitting up and stopped James from starting placing another dollar bill down “There are kids around, this is a family gathering”. 

“20£, dessert,” Charlie stated. 

“Do you not have work to do, James?” Joe hissed. But despite the death glare from Joe -  It was too late, another pool was created. “I’m taking it if they don’t.”

“Alyssa and Shirley have been at each other’s throats this entire evening,” Maria remarked in frustration before pressing the microphone once again. “Sora, Huck’s looking a bit tense with your sisters at arms with each other.” 

Three of them watched as Sora looked at Huck and exchanged a few words before drawing into a tender kiss. 

“Now you’re just rigging the results,” Joe mumbled, taking a hefty gulp of his wine.

“You three maybe in it for the money, but I was tasked with this originally in the name of true love,” Maria prided herself with her chin held high.

“True love, Indeed. Lord did you see how Alyssa and her husband have been glaring at them, those two haven’t had sex in at least three months and in need of couples counseling” Charlie snorted. 

“It could be that,” Joe replied before loosening his tie, “could also be something about the family business and their competitors”.

All three of them looked at Joe, clearly he had tea to spill about the Wells family. 

It was an hour, perhaps two - Time flew. The Wells family tree which once spanned a single clipboard now dominated an entire white board. Somewhere Charlie found a second bottle of wine to share and stood with a marker at hand. Joe had caved to his appetite and ordered a pizza for the four of them, occasionally dropping a pepperoni for Barney. James had discarded his jacket at some point and made himself a cup of coffee to drink while laying on a nearby sofa.

“I’m not Ralph’s lawyer so I wouldn’t know the details of the Wells family fortune,” Joe remarked at the cascade of notes on the board as he washed the pizza down with some wine. “But with that many kids, there’s bound to be one stirring up drama.”

“They seem to be such a picturesque family, it’s a shame to have a bit of sibling rivalry and the neighboring estate ruining it,” Charlie said, writing in a few more notes to the nieces and nephews on the tree. 

“We have movement,” Maria chimed still at the comms, everyone hurried back to their spots with Joe in between Maria and Charlie, James perched himself on the desk . “It looks like….Oh-Sorry James, looks like you’ve lucked out. Dessert is being brought out.” 

Charlie cheered as she reached to pocket the money. Joe stopped her before they began to bicker about the fair results and how they weren’t positive until the end of the meal. On the monitor, however, Huck’s hand had traveled onto Sora’s thigh under the table. He too had his fair share of drinks and began to slide it teasingly upward. Maria went to intervene with the mic but was stopped by James. Huck teased Sora for a while until he excused them from the dinner table and led her away hand-in-hand. Huck led Sora to a powder room hastily, he was clearly more than eager for what was to come. Sora locked the door behind before Huck closed the space between. It pulled Joe and Charlie from their argument and Joe’s eyes widened.

Pinning Sora to the door, they kissed passionately. Sora removed her glasses and tossed them aside carelessly knowing Maria was on the other end. But it landed only gave the four a better view. 

“What’s…..happening”, Joe inquired, in denial of what was to come. 

“Oh, You know what, Doctor. You don't happen to this recorded do you, Maria?” James replied with a mischievous grin that earned him a slap in the arm.

The sound of kissing filled the room, fixating Maria, Charlie and James. Joe however squirmed and face began to turn a bright shade of red. He reached for the keyboard in hopes of ending this but yelped as Charlie swatted his hand away. 

Joe hid his eyes with his hand at the sound of Huck’s belt being undone. Maria and Charlie on either side of him did their best at covering his ears. 

“The Wells seem to be….endowed in more ways than one,” Charlie remarked while sipping her wine, unable to tear her eyes away. Her handed pocketing the 40£.

“My word, I could learn a thing or two from him”, James huffed seeing Huck lift Sora effortlessly with her leg over his shoulder. As the couple became more and more intimate on the monitor, the three shifted more and more forward as if it would offer a better view. 

The moaning became louder, Joe shot up from his seat with his eyes closed

“This is....unethical and I think Barney is need of a walk,” Joe announced in a hurry, turning around. Patting his leg, he made a quick walk towards the door with Barney happily trotting behind. 

Acknowledgement came in a collective and pre-occupied ‘Huh’ as the mission control door slammed shut.

[picnokinesis]

Hello! I am back with more songs >:)

Caves from the main playlist

Epilogue from the teen playlist

Weave from the anterograde playlist

Heck yes >:D Also loving how, once again, you've picked one song that is like, THE SONG of the playlist, and then another where I'm like 'wait why did I put that one on again....' and then I relisten and I'm like oh. oh yeah.

Caves by Gregory Alan Isakov is one of THE earliest campervan au songs. I discovered it in about June 2020, and immediately wrote a scene for part 9 that has had ripple effects all the way back to part 3. I trust you all remember this part from Chapter 11 of Part 3, when the Doctor looks through the photos that were in the shoebox that Brax gave to her:

Compare this to the lyrics of Caves:

And I used to love caves Stumble out into that big sky Remember that bright hollow moon? Showed our insides on our outsides

This song is all about the Doctor and Koschei's childhood - in fact, the ONLY REASON the cave thing happens in the story is because of this song hahah. But it's also how much things have changed between them - this rift that now exists because of the Doctor's amnesia:

You go ahead There's something I forgot Walk slow and I'll catch up Let's hear the stars do their talking

And also:

Did I hear something break Was that your heart or my heart Like when the Earth shakes Then the silence that follows

The second one in particular is great because of the whole thing with the four taps - which, of course, in campervan au is meant to represent the Doctor's heartbeat and Koschei's together, one after the other. But the first one is almost like, I guess almost post-canon I guess - if these two could actually sit down and talk to each other about everything that happened, everything the Doctor has forgotten, they'd probably be able to reconcile somewhat. But emotions are far too intense for both of them. Koschei, like the Master in the show, has had his sense of identity completely shaken by the Doctor not being defined by him in the same way that he is defined by her. She's everything that he is, and his entire life is defined by her - in many ways literally, since he certainly wouldn't have gone to prison if it hadn't been for her, and even in [redacted] au where that doesn't happen, he still ends up dedicating his entire life to her in other ways. But she doesn't even remember him. (...the silence that follows...)

And then there's this part, which just makes me think of these two kids messing about, causing trouble around Skelmanthorpe, sneaking out to explore caves, and being able to just be with each other, not worrying about all the things that have hurt them and made them who they are, and being simply understood by each other without needing words.

This town closes down same time everyday Put out the smoke in your mind Let's put all these words away Lets put all these words away

Weave by Foxing is, I think, the first song by Foxing that I heard? Which is wild, because I'm obsessed with their later album (aka Draw Down the Moon, aka the most thoschei album of all time). Oh wait no, actually, I think it was possibly a different song on this same album that was recommended by spotify at the bottom of my anterograde au playlist. I remember that I liked the vibes but it didn't quite fit, so I went to listen to the rest of the album to see if there would be anything more suitable - only to find Weave, the first track, was absolutely perfect:

How have I been stuck here for so long?

In anterograde au, the Doctor can't feel time - she can't form new memories, so every day she wakes up, still thinking that it's late September 2018. She's stuck in that time and can't change that fact, and every day that fact becomes more and more disorientating. The more time that passes, the more jarring and obvious the loss of memory is.

Selling out an old soul for sales I am caught up in the guilt Making a living off of drowning Leaves me one step in the wrong Have I been stuck here for so long?

The other problem with her inability to feel time is her ability to heal. In the main au, the Doctor can't move on from what happened to her as a teenager because she doesn't remember it. In anterograde, she remembers it, but can't remember the healing itself. Koschei has a bit of a breakdown about this, when he realises that now she's always going to be trapped in this place of fear and confusion, and never going to be able to escape it. If you remember how much he wanted to save the Doctor from the analysis of the song Delilah, the idea of him failing to save her as a teenager is bad enough, but in this au, not only did he not save her now, she is now trapped in this place for the rest of her life, and that's like...the worst possible outcome, as far as he's concerned. Not only did he not save her, but he never will be able to save her. He can't fix it.

As it turns out, he's somewhat wrong about this. Pretty sure I said this when I was talking about The Funeral, but the Doctor DOES begin to heal, albeit slowly and albeit without her being consciously aware of it. But the brain remembers in other ways, and it's about two or so years in before someone points out that actually, the Doctor is more relaxed around Koschei that it clicks for him.

The winding love of life lost No longer haunted by the thought That every mark I make on emeralds are now One step in the wrong One step in the wrong One step in the wrong I’m alright, it’s time I moved on

Epilogue by The Antlers is a lot haha. I mean, this entire album is a lot, and means so much to campervan au, but this one in particular. I can't actually go too much into this one for the same reasons that I can't pull apart the song Two from the same album, but I'm just going to put these lyrics here and tell you to think about the Doctor's fear of hospitals, the way Koschei so desperately wants to save someone who won't let themselves be saved, the fact that the entire album uses this narrative of a hospice and the relationship between a nurse and a patient as a metaphor for abuse, and how both the Doctor and Koschei are constantly haunted by each other:

In a nightmare I am falling from the ceiling into bed beside you You're asleep I'm screaming, shoving you to try to wake you up And like before You've got no interest in the life you live when you're awake Your dreams still follow storylines Like fictions you would make So I lie down against your back Until we're both back in the hospital But now it's not a cancer ward We're sleeping in the morgue Men and women in blue and white They are singing all around you With heavy shovels holding earth You're being buried to your neck In that hospital bed Being buried quite alive now I'm trying to dig you out But all you want is to be buried there together

Oh, and this bit works for the main au, in the context of Koschei and the Doctor bed-sharing for ages until suddenly they weren't, but really it's for [redacted] because it's painfully accurate:

I've woken up, I'm in our bed But there's no breathing body there beside me Someone must have taken you while I was stuck asleep But I know better as my eyes adjust You've been gone for quite awhile now

ALSO! This part ends up creeping into my writing so much. I actually think it ended up in Ruth's chapter?

But you return to me at night Just when I think I may have fallen asleep Your face is up against mine And I'm too terrified to speak

Yep, it was in Ruth's chapter from Part 6 Chapter 22 (Postscript II) - but I've definitely used this for thoschei too, and I'll bet it's around somewhere in campervan au. It just might be in a scene that's on my excerpts document that never sees the light of day rip. But this album by The Antlers is important to Ruth's backstory too, as well as thoschei's, so the parallel here is very intentional

[redxrose]

Our Cursed Love - A Chicago Med Fanfic!

(The Rhekker ship will be present here, as well as season 4 + 5 spoilers!)

After leaving Med, Connor was sure he'd be able to move on and forget the tragedies that happened there. But, he was wrong, and nothing he had learned during the course of his long life would prepare him for the trouble he would soon face. He started getting flashbacks (and nightmares!) He also had trouble concentrating, thoughts of her plaguing his mind. Ava Bekker, Connor's colleague, friend, and ex-girlfriend, had committed suicide during Connor's last year at Med. She also killed his father, which he never forgave her for, especially because she never told him! But, even with all his hatred and grief, Connor found himself missing Ava, and it caused him a lot of guilt and confusion. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wanted Ava to be alive, he wanted to talk to her, for answers at least. This desire would remain a childish wish for Connor, until one fateful day. Back in Chicago, one piece of news would circulate through the neighborhood, the name of a very experienced surgeon, one that had been forgotten - became the most popular in the city. Connor's phone had been flooded with calls, texts, even emails, from his former colleagues, supervisors, and even some old friends. After carefully examining each notification on his lock screen, Connor paused and held his breath, unable to concentrate. The news flooded his mind, along with anxiety, regret, and excitement, as he returned to the hospital he thought he left for good. Upon arriving at Med, Connor was immediately burdened by questions, concerns, and greetings from everyone he left behind, and although he didn't mind, he was looking for someone else. Alas, the surgeon made his way upstairs to the surgical suite. There stood Doctor Latham, who looked eager to see his friend after all this time. Connor opened his mouth to speak, but immediately fell silent upon seeing who was standing next to him. "Hello Connor, long time no see, huh?" Ava said with a welcoming smile on her face, a smile Connor knew all too well. Even then, he always found himself falling for it. "Yeah.." Not even the obvious skepticism in his voice could keep her away. He couldn't walk away yet, he had so many unanswered questions. But this open hallway was no place to ask them, Doctor Latham's blank stare made that blatantly obvious. "Hey Ava, can I talk to you..?" Connor asked, sounding serious, maybe even tense. Ava's eyes seemed to light up when he spoke, and it made Connor uneasy. "Sure, let's go over here" Ava said politely while gesturing to a room nearby. Connor followed, remembering how much he used to love her accent. After entering the small room, Connor closed the door and turned to face Ava, who looked oddly confident. With memories of the past flooding both their minds, Ava looked at the floor and Connor sighed, prepared to say what he felt was necessary. "Why..?" He asked, breaking the awkward silence, the tension in his voice was obvious. Ava's head jerked up, a confused yet aware expression forming on her face. "What?" She asked, the realization hitting her slower than Connor expected. How could she not remember? The rage he felt made Connor want to scream, but his train of thought was interrupted by Ava's deep sigh, the memories had finally gotten to her. "Well, if you had seen things my way, that wouldn't have happened" she said with such arrogance, arrogance Connor almost forgot about. She hadn't changed, Connor knew that now. "Ava, you gave my father insulin that he didn't need, you caused his death! Please enlighten me on how I'm supposed to "see things your way!" Connor yelled, his emotions starting to control him. "I did it for you, Connor!" Ava yelled, tears filling her brown eyes. Connor didn't believe her, but for some reason, he wanted to. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop himself from loving her, even if this love could be cursed..cursed enough to KILL.

[congregamus]

TW: Abuse — physical, emotional, sexual

I'm eventually going to have to settle on a narrative for a new therapeutic relationship, so I might as well figure out what I mean. Anyway, here's "Wonderwall"

++++++++

Sing, muse, of the childhood tumultuous; first of love, abuse-heavy and denied, the same red as the blood-colored earthen clay from which this Adam-Eve was formed; of promises, broken and innumerable; sing also of poverty both feigned and real, material and spiritual; of trust betrayed; sing loudest of all in praise of cocks, over-large and mysterious as Life itself.

For one of my first memories is of cock. I don’t remember which of us decided that my neighbor’s penis, squished between his fingers and through the chain-link of the boundary fence, ought to be near my mouth. I remember only that “the kiss” intended for it did not last long, for it was interrupted by my mother’s harsh two-named cry towards me, reserved for when I was in the greatest of trouble. She had apparently seen from the small window over the kitchen sink where she washed dishes. 

I was in fact, as her tone indicated, in great trouble, and that neighbor and I were not allowed to see each other for (I think) a 6-week period – what I remember was that it seemed like an extraordinarily long period of time to my child-brain. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when this happened, and my neighbor was my same age.

I don’t remember if the event caused me to get a beating, but it certainly seems likely, as my sister Toni and I were beaten very regularly, and for entirely arbitrary reasons. For example, when I was around 10 years old, my father’s friend group rediscovered “Yes, sir,” and “No, sir,” culture, and the way we were taught the habit was that every time we failed to answer a question directed to us with “sir” or “ma’am”, we received another beating. 

My sister and I were summarily beaten when it was determined that we needed it – she until she married and moved into the home of another man who continued to beat her, and who added rape to the list of things she had to survive. I, on the other hand, bent the knee only until the age of 16, at which time I ripped the belt he’d aggressively taken off out of my father’s raised hand and threatened to use it on him. That was the last time my father tried to beat me.

I do not remember the trigger for the beginning of my liberation from my father’s abuse. I only remember that it happened, eventually, when I almost became the abuser in return. I am very thankful that I did not hurt my father in response to his constant abuse, however unintentional.

Even still, I am tempted to apologize for my abuser. He was not a “bad man” as determined by our culture – self-identified “country” folks in Morgan County, Alabama, the Pride of the Deep South, during the late 1970s, 80s, an early 1990s. 

My mother describes my birth in August of 1977 in the following way in her memoir:

The baby was due August 3, so I worked until the last of July, and then took maternity leave. I had decided I wouldn’t spend forever in the labor room by myself this time, so we took the childbirth classes so Gary could be with me through it all. He wasn’t real [sic] excited about the idea, but he was a sport and did it anyway. He was there when I got pregnant, so it was only fair that he was there when I got unpregnant."

[It ought to be noted here that my mother casually mentions her sex life in a way that I was never allowed. But that’s neither here nor there. She continues:]

The doctor gave me a shot in the twat so he could do an episiotomy and Greg was born with a scratch on his head where he was already trying to get out when I got the shot. Finally when I thought I couldn't stand it another minute, out he came. August 8, 1977 10:29 P.M. ****** Gregory ******* was born. 

The doctor delivering assigned me a male gender as was very traditional at the time, but it has become clear over the course of my life that gender is for other people. I don’t really need it. Mother goes on to talk about how there was no need to smack me as I emerged crying (“on key”, she opines). I would certainly get my share of smacks, but I seem to have avoided my first one.

[wildfoxes-spirit]

I'm going through some shit and just need to rant

Some history about everything: I have been in three different states and gone through twice as many schools. I started reading in preschool, I was in the younger class so around 3 years old. At first the teachers thought that I had just memorized the book but my mom got me a book from the library and I read it to her. Because of this I got to go and spend time with the 4 year olds for half of the day. I think this was when the troubles really started. I could have skipped kindergarten but that required doing all of the work in half of the year. My parents didn't want me to have to do that so we just kept me we're I was. I'm almost about to finish 8th grade and this is going to be really long. I had a speech delay when I was learning. I knew that my mom knew what I wanted so I didn't even try to learn and had to go to speech therapy for a year or two I think. And then I had a really bad British accent despite being from the United States.

The trouble with school started back in first grade when I was doing hybrid school. 3 days online and 2 days in person. My mom and I would get into fights over one subject in particular. Writing. It would take a good two hours to do 30 minutes of writing. This was when I was still practicing letters. Well we had switched schools so I wasn't in the same school that I was. This was a traditional school five days a week in person. Well this was when I got my first glasses. We had gone to the eye doctor before school started and I had no issues. But one day my teacher had a page up on the screen that we had to copy down and I couldn't read it. She zoomed in quite a bit and I even moved closer but still couldn't see. Yeah, my prescription is pretty thick now. Anyways the lines were redrawn in the middle of the year so I moved schools. The first year wasn't to bad but the third is when things escalated. I HATED school in third grade. Absolutely HATED it. I didn't ride the bus anymore because it was to crowded and I didn't like it. Also this was around the time fortnight came out and little me was very against it because, and I quote, "people are going to try to replicate it in real life and eventually they will use real guns instead" I had a good family, lived in a good area, I don't know where I got the idea. But that's always how I've been, even now I'm critical but I'll get to that later. I had really bad migraines had a child and had to learn how to swallow pills earlier because that was the only form the medication came in. But the migraines were so bad that I missed a lot of school because I would throw up halfway through the day because the lights were making it worse.

I had to get dragged out of my mom's car most of the time and I was left kicking and screaming. It was bad. I was also a biter during this time so my mom would have large bruises on her art from where I bit her. I sat in the principals more then once just so that I was in the building. What's stupid is that I was right by the door. I would reach for it from the chair but I probably could have made it if I just bolted. I knew how to get home to, the school wasn't that far. Eventually we developed a system: if I came in without a fuss I could spend some time building a Lego set, but if I gave mom a hard time I had to go straight to class. I think it was the special ed room and teachers that did that but I don't remember. I could also go there if there was an assembly of any kind in the gym. I was REALLY sensitive to crowds and loud noises back then, still am but way less. So it worked for a while but it ended up a struggle again. I didn't participate in one of the biggest assignments and just kinda... slumped. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this while laying in bed at 10:06 EST.

I got tested at the end of third grade before we left Indiana for Texas. They thought that I might have autism but further testing would be required. I don't remember when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So we move to Texas and I start fourth grade. It's a great start. Some days were rougher then others but there was one time when my mom came for lunch and I was begging her to take me home with her. Like lunch ended and I had to be pried off her and was placed in an isolated room with an adult to watch me. My teachers had never seen me like this before so they were shocked and disappointed. Everyone was disappointed. The next year I moved schools again. A school had been built on the hill behind our house. Things were mostly okay. There were two subs that I didn't like tho. It was a married couple and they did jack shit. I'm reading class one day we were supposed to be working on something in groups but the sub was telling a story of his time in the military. I was 10 at this point and I raised my hand and pointed out that we had shit to work on and his story was incredibly distracting and unnecessary. I don't remember what he said but when I got home I was in tears. There was one other time we're his wife was subbing for our math class while our teacher was in a meeting and I straight up left the classroom without notifying anyone. I took my work and I did it out in the common area. When the teacher came back, and only then, did I re-enter the classroom. Oh and before we moved autism was ruled out and I was diagnosed with ADHD instead (I have the mix version)

That brings us up to 6th,7th and 8th. 6th grade was covid, there's not much. I hated the program of the school I was at because I was doing virtual. Did I mention we moved states again? The program was reviewing stuff that I already knew so when I switched schools to be at the one that I'm currently at they were reviewing for the end of the year test. 7th was a rollercoaster but not to important. I dated for the first time (and last), got in official detention... Fun. What I really want to talk about is 8th.

How many of you remember your 8th grade year. Was it as shit as mine currently is? I find myself critical of everything. I hate when there's a sub, not only does it thow me off but it means that I'm most likely to sit out in the hallway to I don't murder someone. A lot of the subs are incompetent. They don't keep the brats in like and have even made it worse. If someone could meet the brats from doing shit they shouldn't be the maybe, MAYBE, my sanity wouldn't buy dropping. I find that I'm a lot more mature then most of the brats. It's like putting an adult with toddlers. I'm also a bit of a control freak sometimes. But more often then not I have wanted to disappear from the face of the earth because I can't put up with the . I would be a horrible parent. Good thing I'm not having kids. And I can't tell what sent me into depressive episode 54, I don't think ADHD, depression, and being on my period was a good combo and yet here I am.

I would roast some of them but apparently arson is illegal

Why am I still here? Is it really worth crying at 10:40EST about life? I mean does anyone truly believe in me? i don't. Why did I have to be such a fuck up. I was a pain in the ass from the moment I was supposed to be born. I didn't want to come into this world and I still don't want to be here. Do my friends ever notice when I'm there? Would they even care if I stopped talking? Why am I always an outsider no matter who I'm with. Am I even going to be able to survive out there? All I can do is draw and hide.

[mistypurplespark]

Chapter 31: First Snow

Chapter 31: First Snow

“Shut up! Che Luofeng! He saved your life!”

Translator(s): Elestrea

Editor(s): juurensha

It was barely half a day into the Autumn Close Festival, and trouble already came. A state of bitter enmity grew between Xiang Shu and Che Luofeng. Chen Xing didn’t expect the news of Tuoba Yan’s arrival in Chi Le Chuan would spread so quickly like this. Perhaps that group of Rouran cavalry went back and reported it right away to Che Luofeng.

Xiang Shu said in a deep voice, “That man has left. In Chi Le Chuan, fighting is forbidden. This has been the rule for over the last 400 years.”

Che Luofeng refused to yield at all, saying in a clear voice, “Xianbei’s Tuoba clan screwed my Rourans’ people and also captured my Rourans’ old and young! It doesn’t matter if he is your friend, Divine Doctor! We cannot live under the same sky! It’s a grave offense!” Speaking so, he prepared to lead the troops to give chase.

But Xiang Shu shouted angrily: “Who dares to kill!”

That sound was like a blossoming thunderstorm, jolting Chen Xing, his ears throbbing with sharp pain, his eyes going dark, and he nearly fainted. Xiang Shu was enraged. The Rouran cavalry members’ hearts immediately felt dread, and simultaneously retreat half a step.

“Che Luofeng,” Xiang Shu coldly said, “if you do take revenge, if you kill Tuoba Yan, you and your tribe need to scram out of the Yin Mountains, and throughout the rest of your life, you may never step into Chi Le Chuan ever again. The Great Chanyu always keeps his word.”

Che Luofeng, who was in a daze, gasped for breath. He was shouting so hard he had nearly sobered up. When Chen Xing was about to open his mouth to ease the tension, Xiang Shu raised his hand, prohibiting him from

speaking, then he swept his eyes across the cavalry, his eyes carrying an imposing aura.

Many years ago, on behalf of the country, Tuoba Yan’s paternal grandfather, Tuoba Shiyijian, along with the rest of Tuoba clan, tried to set up an independent political division in the Northeast, which was later stopped by Fu Jian. Chasing the descendant to take revenge for that at risk of offending the Great Chanyu was clearly not worth it. The cavalry sobered up soon, one after another, they gave Che Luofeng a meaningful look, hinting for him to forget about it.

“Shulü Kong, you... you...” Che Luofeng laughed in anger, then angrily said: “You really think the Rourans are seriously afraid of you!”

“Try me,” Xiang Shu said, “you will leave before sunrise tomorrow morning.”

The number of Rourans in the Ancient Chi Le Covenant almost reached 60,000, and if they were really driven out of the Covenant, it would be no small matter. Many people around the plain heard their quarrel, and they came out one by one and formed a circle. Still, Xiang Shu didn’t stop there, he raised his hand, pointing at the venue, and continued: “This is your choice. I will count to three, and either you raise your soldiers and take your revenge, or you go back and celebrate the festival. Three.”

Che Luofeng ruthlessly threw his weapons down on the ground and using his horse, he galloped out of the crowd. The Hu people busily tried to part, making an exit path for him. A moment later, the Rouran cavalry cleanly and clearly withdrew.

Even though he saw Che Luofeng go north, Chen Xing was still anxious. After the crowd had dispersed, Xiang Shu once again called over a Tiele man and whispered an order that Chen Xing roughly understood. Basically it was to get a group of cavalry to catch up with Tuoba Yan and escort him until he reached the Great Wall to avoid being chased for revenge by Che Luofeng.

Chen Xing breathed a sigh of relief and said: “Thank you.”

However, Xiang Shu didn’t say a word, and with a gloomy face, he turned around and walked away. Chen Xing remained standing in melancholy for a moment, and he suddenly felt that under the lively and flourishing scene of the Autumn Close Festival, there was a sense of emptiness and solitude. He then dragged his heavy legs back to the tent.

Xiang Shu took the lead in returning to the royal tent. When Chen Xing opened the curtain to enter, he saw that the inside was in a complete mess. Clearly, Che Luofeng had come here, taking with him the things he had used during his stay on Xiang Shu’s tent for the past few days. Xiang Shu saw this scene and was obviously infuriated by it.

Chen Xing didn’t comment on it either, just bending down to clean up the mess, saying: “Tuoba Yan is my friend, I’m sorry for troubling you.”

Xiang Shu spoke, “Che Luofeng has always been like this. Wait a few days for him to think it over, and he’ll come asking for your apology.”

Recalling what had happened at today’s venue, Chen Xing said: “I have purchased a horse and tomorrow, I will trade it for some food with your clansmen again and also for a sufficient amount of clothing to defend against the cold. I will immediately set out north.”

Xiang Shu sat down in the tent silently. Chen Xing had come to a realization that Chi Le Chuan, although beautiful, in the end, it was not his hometown. Xiang Shu’s clansmen, although enthusiastic, at the end of the day, they were also not his clansmen. After staying in Chi Le Chuan for a month, he gradually became aware that perhaps, south of the Yangtze River, with its emerald-green terraces and songbirds cries all over the world, was a place he ought to go.

Xiang Shu took a quick glance at Chen Xing, seemingly seeing through to his inner thoughts.

Chen Xing simply tidied up the tent for Xiang Shu and spoke: “I’ve stayed here for too long, and I’m afraid of making more trouble for you. I’ll get lost at once.”

Xiang Shu: “...”

Chen Xing poured himself a cup of milk tea, sat down, considered it, scratched his head, and said: “The matter of being a Protector, just forget about  it  ba.  You’re  the  Great  Chanyu;  you  also  have  your  own responsibilities and can’t always follow me to wander around all over the place. There are many people that need you. This person’s luck has always been very good, so you also don’t need to worry about me.”

Xiang Shu remained silent. Chen Xing examined his medicine bag and put away his dagger. He looked for the map, read through it carefully for a while, and by comparing the parchment copied by Xiang Shu as well as the terrain of the mountains and rivers beyond the Great Wall, he tried to speculate on the location of the gorge and the Great Lake. Based on the map and the direction of the Big Dipper, he had to go all the way north. Maybe, he could even meet the Akeles. He had learnt a little Xiongnu, and when he met them, he could ask for directions. Although the future was bleak, there was still hope.

He couldn’t afford to delay anymore, only wishing to find the legendary Dinghai Pearl before the start of next year’s spring. He wanted to settle the matter that weighed on his mind as soon as possible so he could go back to the South to wait for death.

Later in the evening, cheers could be heard from outside. Chen Xing went out to look, and it was snowing!

“Xiang Shu! It’s snowing.” Chen Xing said as he returned to the tent and pointed outside.

Xiang Shu frowned and observed Chen Xing, looking completely annoyed.

It was snowing heavier and heavier. The first snow after autumn of this year had finally arrived. The north wind wailed, and the feather-like heavy snow engulfed everything in Chi Le Chuan. The bonfire was moved to the center of the tents, and Chen Xing watched it alone for a while from in front of the royal tent before someone came to deliver supper. After a simple meal, Xiang Shu simply gazed at the tent, lost in thought. Chen Xing just drank some  wine,  already  used  to  Xiang  Shu’s  ‘any-living-person-do-not-

approach’ attitude. Soon, as usual, he lay down on his small couch and slept under a thin wool blanket.

“You won’t be able to go now.” Xiang Shu finally said, “The north road is closed during heavy snow. You can only wait until the beginning of spring.”

Chen Xing didn’t hear that. The wind came leaking into the tent, the blanket was thin, and the cold air blew over the night. He felt Xiang Shu covering him up with two more blankets in the middle of the night.

When he woke up early in the morning the next day, the outside was already wrapped in silver, and yesterday’s unhappiness was immediately swept away.

“Oh my god——!” Chen Xing was shocked.

Mountains, lands, and prairies, everything was blanketed by thick snow, it was as if the entire world was sprinkled with glittering, silver-light sugar. The scorching sun was high, and it shone brightly on the sparkling snow. The stream was frozen overnight and was now covered with a thin layer of ice. The early-riser Hus were breaking the ice on the stream so their horses could drink.

Chen Xing sneezed, his nose felt a little stifled, and Xiang Shu was nowhere to be seen.

“So beautiful!” Chen Xing said to himself. Saying so, he quickly washed up, saw the breakfast on the table, ate it, then wrapped himself in a thick fur. Wandering out while struggling through the snow, he saw that Chi Le Chuan had transformed overnight into something akin to a paradise.

“Xiang Shu!” Chen Xing shouted down from the top of the hillside.

Xiang Shu was dressed in a tiger-fur coat that reached his knees, a belt that lined up his well-defined waist, and a fox-tail hat on his head. He was instructing a group of Tieles. At the same time, the Tiele warriors were stowing the tents and supplies, seemingly wanting to leave for some business. Hearing the shout, he looked at Chen Xing, his lips red and his teeth white under the sunshine, making Chen Xing’s heart moved.

Xiang Shu made a gesture, motioning for Chen Xing to wait up there, then turned around and approached him.

“Let’s go skiing?” Xiang Shu said, “We couldn’t play at yesterday’s festival.”

Chen Xing was in a much better mood after waking up; he laughed and said: “Alright.”

He intended to leave tomorrow. Since today was his last day, he had to keep some memories. As a result, Xiang Shu, leading Chen Xing, carried a cavalry shield up to the slope, and with one foot, he stepped on it.

Cheng Xing: “....”

Xiang Shu: “Come up, and hug me tightly from behind.”

Chen Xing: “How do we do this? We’re gonna fall down, ba! Not even a rope?! One wrong step and we’re going to roll all the way down!”

Xiang Shu said impatiently: “Rubbish! Quick!”

The cavalry shield was not big, Chen Xing tried to step on it, but Xiang Shu grabbed his hands and pushed him back, locked his arms in an instant, dragged him onto his back, and pulled him hard so he ended up hugging Xiang Shu tight. Stepping sideways on the shield, woosh, they slid down!

“AAAH——” Chen Xing was taken along by Xiang Shu and immediately dived down from the top of the cliff, his heart almost jumped out of his throat. Xiang Shu stepped on the shield’s tail, leaped out, and took him flying high up in the sky before finally landing safely.

Chen Xing: “...”

Xiang Shu: “Again?”

Chen Xing still had some lingering fears, but he felt extremely excited. The slope was very steep, and it felt like jumping off an overhanging cliff.

“I didn’t even open my eyes...” Chen Xing said.

“Coward,” Xiang Shu ridiculed. He whistled to summon a horse, flipped over and mounted it, taking Chen Xing to a higher and steeper slope. Chen Xing looked down, it was almost three li, and his feet immediately felt a little soft.

“You’re in the front this time.” Xiang Shu said, “Keep your eyes wide open!”

Chen Xing madly shouted: “WAAAAH——”

Given no time for explanations, he was hugged by Xiang Shu, and they slid down. But just before they reached the end, Chen Xing turned his head around and told Xiang Shu: “Xiang Shu, tomorrow, I’ll...”

As soon as he turned his head, the two men’s lips almost met. Xiang Shu’s foot suddenly slipped, Chen Xing’s foot became unsteady, the shield went out of control, and they fell into the snow.

“Hahahaha——”, Chen Xing, with snow covering his whole face, got up and mocked Xiang Shu, “You, a moment ago, did you just blush?!”

Xiang Shu got up quickly with anger mottling his face, saying: “What are you doing?!”

Chen Xing hurriedly waved his hand to apologize, assuming that Xiang Shu, this sort of man, unexpectedly became very embarrassed when he was so close to other people that he even blushed! The other day, when he was almost kissed by Che Luofeng, Xiang Shu’s reaction had been even more intense than this.

Chen Xing picked up the shield, then said: “One more time?”

Xiang Shu took the shield. As they walked over towards the horse, Che Luofeng came from one side. He stood alone in the open ground and looked at the two men from afar.

Xiang Shu motioned to Chen Xing, as if saying “See? What did I tell you ba?”

Che Luofeng: “Snowball fight?”

Xiang Shu measured Che Luofeng carefully, then asked: “Sobered up?” “Yes! Yes!” Che Luofeng waved his hand, then suddenly laughed again.

Xiang Shu put Chen Xing on the horse, sat behind him while carrying the shield on his back, then put his hands around Chen Xing’s waist. He shook the reins, went up the hill, and took a few steps before looking back.

Only then did Che Luofeng come over and followed him, albeit bitterly. The Tieles, Rourans, and Xiongnus, who had been heavily drunk last night, had also sobered up. With each of them bringing their own shield, they went uphill and followed the Great Chanyu to make up for the ski fights they couldn’t do at the Autumn Close Festival. Thousands of people slid down from the hilltop down to the cliff; it was a magnificent sight. Xiang Shu held Chen Xing, and they slid down ahead. Che Luofeng soon caught up from behind them.

“Che Luofeng!” Chen Xing tried to turn his head, but Xiang Shu grasped his head and forcefully turned it back, saying: “Look ahead!”

From start to finish, Che Luofeng never replied, and they slid again several more times. Soon, more and more people, men and women, arrived. All the people started to have snowball fights at the foot of the hill, shouting and yelling; it was extremely lively.

Chen Xing was hit by Che Luofeng’s snowballs several times in a row and immediately sensed his hostility. When he looked at Che Luofeng, Che Luofeng smiled back provocatively, his meaning quite clear: ‘You have snatched my Anda.’

“I will go back first!” Chen Xing felt unpleasant to say anything, so he said to Xiang Shu: “You guys play!”

Xiang Shu also sensed the hostility. He held a snowball in his hand, weighing it. Chen Xing turned around and left. Xiang Shu glanced at Chen Xing, then looked at Che Luofeng, faintly smiling. Che Luofeng quickly assumed a fighting stance under the sunshine, and facing Xiang Shu, he smiled, like a big boy who lived a carefree life.

But Xiang Shu threw the snowball to the ground, turned around, then walked away.

Cheng Xing returned to the royal tent with his brain spinning with dizziness. He realized he must’ve caught a cold last night, so he ground a medicine pill and drank it down with boiled hot water, before laying down on the couch to rest.

Not long after, Xiang Shu came, bringing over a bowl and sweets cooked by the Tieles. It was a tradition on the first day of snow to drink a black ginger dark-brown sugar drink and stewed rice cakes. He frowned, asking: “Is the air chilly?”

“En...” Chen Xing smelled ginger. Knowing it was a kind of food that repelled cold, he got up with much difficulty to drink it, “Just sweating a bit.”

Xiang Shu said: “Even a doctor still gets sick.”

Chen Xing: “It’s normal if a doctor gets sick, I am not you, even all kinds of poisons dare not to invade your body.”

Xiang Shu sat in the tent and once again taunted him: “Are you still an exorcist? How about the Heart Lamp?"

Chen Xing helplessly said: “The Heart Lamp is merely made of mana; it doesn’t have the ability to protect one’s body and grant immortality. In fact, it’s precisely because of the use of the Heart Lamp’s mana that my body has been weakened. I also want to be as good as you guys, OK? The Han’s military power is not weak.”

‘The Han’s military power is not weak’, this point was indeed not wrong. Even after hundreds of years, all of the Hus outside the border were still very afraid of the formidable army, just like the time when the Wu Emperor was still in power. Chen Xing meant that his constitution was no good, but you shouldn’t generalize from that that all of the Hans were no good as well. Moreover, ever since his childhood, because of the Heart Lamp, he tended to cast magic, which must have somewhat taken a toll on his spirit and physique. He was basically a waste, a trash fish.

Chen Xing spoke incoherently, trying to explain in several sentences, then lay down on his stomach again to sleep, sweating, thinking: Tomorrow should be alright.

Xiang Shu didn’t leave. He got up very early that day, so he decided to mind his own business and lie down to sleep. In the evening, the sky was dusky, the wind was biting cold, and there was a blizzard.

Che Luofeng braved the snow to come, saying outside the tent: “Anda, come and let’s talk.”

Xiang Shu glanced at Chen Xing, got up and went out, afraid of waking him up.

Chen Xing who had been sleeping, without knowing why, suddenly woke up. Perhaps it was the heavens that wanted him to hear this conversation. Moreover, his consciousness was bright and clear. Che Luofeng spoke in Rouran, but Chen Xing had been living in Chi Le Chuan for some time and had studied a little bit, so from the tone of his voice, he could more or less guess that Che Luofeng was a little dissatisfied with him.

“If you want to talk, let’s go outside,” Xiang Shu turned to leave, “or, do you want to fight?”

“This is my own home, yet to talk, I have to hide from that Han man?!” Che Luofeng said.

Xiang Shu: “...”

Xiang Shu’s eyes began showing obvious anger. Che Luofeng continued: “Anda, just how much provocation did you hear from that Han?!”

Xiang Shu angrily said: “Shut up! Che Luofeng! He saved your life!”

Che Luofeng snarled: “Blackmailing me with my ‘life’? Can I return this ‘life’ back to him?” As he said that, he pulled out a dagger, gesturing at his stomach, and shouted: “Get him to scram out of Chi Le Chuan for me!”

Chen Xing inside the tent immediately stood up, thinking that he must go out now and say something, else he, this outsider, would truly incite disharmony between Xiang Shu and Che Luofeng, and he had no interest in doing so.

Xiang Shu was just about to step forward to seize the dagger in Che Luofeng’s hand when he suddenly stopped.

Amidst the violent snowstorm, several Tiele cavalrymen were showing the way for a Hu person, entering the valley.

“The Akele’s messenger wishes to see the Great Chanyu——!” shouted the leader.

Chen Xing immediately pulled open the curtain, coming out from inside the royal tent, looking for Xiang Shu.

“Go in,” Xiang Shu said, “you’re still sick.”

Che Luofeng’s complexion was clearly not good, Xiang Shu saw that Chen Xing had woken up, then motioned everyone to come in.

Translator's Comment:

So happy there are a lot of readers drawing/writing Dinghai stuffs these days!

Lycieratia and Asami from Discord drew some cute sketches of ShuXing!

There’s also a Dinghai Gaming AU fanfic by namio that you can check here! The characters have yet to appear but don’t worry, the only thing you need to know is that THEY ARE A PERFECT COUPLE! It’s spoiler-free too so feel free to check it out!

A post-cannon fic of ShuXing written by Yukinia from AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21702076

[ourlittledinosaur]

Lip Ties, Tongue Ties, and Breastfeeding

New Post has been published on http://ourlittledinosaur.com/lip-ties-tongue-ties-and-breastfeeding/

Lip Ties, Tongue Ties, and Breastfeeding

My Experience with Lip and Tongue Ties

My son had trouble from the beginning latching on to breastfeed. When my milk came in three days after he was born, he was really struggling because my breasts were so full. (That can be difficult for any newborn even without ties).

I had a lactation consultant out and she watched us through the feeding and gave us some tips and gave us an A+. I guess because I had studied so much, I must have been compensating for any issues that were happening, because the outward perception was we were doing great.

By day five, I knew we were having a problem because he was hungry and frustrated but he wouldn’t eat. The LC had mentioned a possible lip tie, but I didn’t know what that was so it didn’t click for me that he had a birth defect. I just thought I wasn’t doing something right. On top of that, my nipples hurt. They were cracked and bleeding. (To read about those first days breastfeeding my son, click here.)

We went in for his check ups and he wasn’t gaining weight at all, so we started supplementing and went back to the LC. Now that he was a little older she said the tie wasn’t stretching and recommended we have it released. His tongue also looked fine, but as we found out at the pediatric dentist, he had a posterior tongue tie in addition to the lip tie.

When my son was just three weeks old we had both his lip tie and tongue tie revised with a surgery called a frenectomy.

What are Tongue Ties and How Do They Affect Breastfeeding?

I didn’t know anything about ties, so hopefully this will enlighten any of our readers. Basically, all over our bodies we have various frenulum, which is a small fold of tissue that prevents an organ in the body from moving too far. This tissue in my son’s upper lip and under his tongue were too restrictive, and both can cause problems with feeding, especially breastfeeding, (although it can cause issues with bottle feeding as well).

A tongue tie hinders the up-and-down motion of the tongue, which affects breastfeeding in that it is directly linked to low milk supply because there is not enough milk extracted from the breast.

With a posterior tongue-tie, the tongue does not extend over the gum, which causes the tongue to chew, or as I like to call it, “chomp” on the nipple.

How Do Lip Ties Affect Breastfeeding?

With a lip tie, the baby is unable to latch effectively. This is because the lip is hindered from flanging outward during a feeding. The mouth is unable to open wide and a smaller mouth opening means a shallower latch. So all the pain I was feeling was a combination of the tongue chewing on my nipple and my son sliding his latch down to just nurse on the nipple.

When breastfeeding correctly, you want a deep latch that includes the areola as well as the nipple. The lips form a much more effective seal when it is formed with the mucous membrane inside the lip, rather than the dry part of the outward lip. (This latch is correct, and thus pain-free!)

These ties were causing pain for me and beginning to cause me to have low milk supply because my son wasn’t able to latch properly or extract enough milk. In turn, this caused him to not gain weight and get labeled FTT.

Surgery to Release the Ties

The out-patient surgery, (or surgeries I should say), were very quick. Of course, before the surgery I was extremely emotional (being just three weeks postpartum, plus all we had been through with his sluggish weight gain and the crazy feeding routine we were following to get him to gain). It was the first time our son had ever been out of sight of either my husband or me.

Our pediatric dentist was  recommended to us by my lactation consultant and he was such a kind and reassuring doctor. He was great with our tiny son and with us. When I inevitably started the waterworks, he said gently, “It’ll be OK mom.”

So they took my son into the other room and he had the laser surgery to remove both ties. It took less than 15 minutes. Due to the fact it was a laser surgery, there was no bleeding and very little inflammation. We were told we could give him “>numbing agent if needed. The only post-op care he needed, besides the mild pain relief, was very simple. We had to run our finger over the wounds both under his lip and under his tongue to keep the frenulum from reattaching.

We were also advised not to use coconut oil to aid in achieving a deeper latch, because it was such an effective healing agent.

Did Releasing the Ties Aid Breastfeeding?

The short answer is, yes. Some people see results right away and for others it takes time. We fell into the latter category. I believe that in those three weeks my son hadn’t been building the muscles he needed to breastfeed, so he had a lot of weaknesses in his mouth and jaw. We saw a speech pathologist to help strengthen these weaknesses. The release of both the lip and tongue tie, coupled with the help of the speech pathologist did lead to my son’s exclusively breastfeeding before he turned 3 months old.

Why Go Through All the Trouble to Breastfeed?

It was very important to both my husband and to me that I breastfeed my son. There are so many incredible benefits to breastfeeding a baby.

Also, lip and tongue ties can lead to other issues besides early feeding struggles, to include:

trouble with feeding an older baby or toddler solids,

speech challenges, and

dental problems.

So although breastfeeding was our main catalyst for having the ties released, we wanted to help our son avoid additional challenges later on as well.

For more information about the benefits of breastfeeding, read 15 Amazing Benefits of Breastfeeding.

Tell Us About Your Experience and Leave a Comment Below!

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6-7

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[marias-wonderland]

To start, let us first take a look at the word “Fell” and its various meanings.

Noun: Hide, Skin, pelt

Noun: A breed of Sheep. “Rough Fell”

Noun: A moorland pony. “Fell Pony.”

Verb: To Cut, knock or bring down. Past tense of “Fall.”

Adjective: fierce, cruel malevolent, deadly

Next, let’s look at the etymology of the word.

Noun: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old Hight German, fel skin, Latin pellis

Verb: Middle English, from Old English fellan; akin to Old English feallan to fall

Adjective: Middle English fel, from Anglo- French – from the word Felon.

Evil, felon, deadly?  All words that could describe Hannibal Lecter. Hide, skin or pelt? Words to describe a man in disguise. A breed of sheep? A kind of horse? Did he perhaps think of Agent Starling when creating his persona?

What’s more, there is a fairly famous historical Doctor Fell, which Hannibal Lecter would have been familiar with. Doctor John Fell (June 23, 1625 – July 10, 1686) was an Englishman, academic, as well as the Bishop of Oxford, who worked extensively on translating several great works from Latin into English.

But Doctor John Fell is likely best known for a poem with supposed authorship by Tom Brown (The Dialogues of the Dead).  As a student at Oxford, Brown had gotten up to some kind of trouble – enough to get him expelled. Doctor Fell – so the story goes - offered to not expel Brown if he could translate  extemporaneously the 32nd epigram of Marial, which reads:

Non amo te, Sabidi, nec possum dicere quare. Hoc tantum possum dicere: non amo te.

The English translation is roughly:

I do not like you, Sabidius, and I can’t say why.                                              This muchI can say: I do not like you.

Instead of doing the literal translation, which Brown was clearly capable of doing, he instead gave the following:

I do not like thee, Doctor Fell                                                                            The Reason why I cannot tell;                                                                            But this I know, and know full well,                                                                    I do not like thee, Doctor Fell

True or not, Tom Brown was indeed expelled from Oxford, and the poem eventually made its way into Robert Graves’ (of I, Claudius fame) 1927 book Less Familiar Nursery Rhymes.

The poem is also briefly alluded to by the character of John Utterson in Robert Lewis Stevenson’s novel The Strange Case of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.

There is something more if I could find a name for it. God bless me, the man seems hardly human! Something troglodytic, shall we say? or can it be the old story of Dr. Fell? or is it the mere radiance of a foul soul that thus transpires through, and transfigures its clay continent? The last, I think; for, O my poor old Harry Jekyll, if ever I read Satan’s signature upon a face, it is on that of your new friend.

This is significant for a few reasons, the first being that Hannibal follows many of the classic tropes of the Gothic novel, and indeed even mentions several famous Gothic novels within the text itself – Frankenstien, Dracula, and now here is a reference to The Strange Case of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde, a story about the duality of man – a seemingly nice doctor who does terrible things via his alter ego, which matches our own Doctor Fell/Hannibal Lecter perfectly.  It should also be noted that at the end of The Silence of the Lambs, “Buffalo Bill” was rebranded by The National Tattler as “Mr.Hide.”

We are never given Doctor Fell’s first name in the novel Hannibal, though I would like to safely assume that it is John. This references the historical character, but would also show Harris giving us significant characters in Clarice Starling’s life that share the name John in some form or another. Johnny Brigham, John Fell, and Jack Crawford – Jack, being a name often used for someone named John.

I DO NOT LIKE THEE DOCTOR FELL: HANNIBAL LECTER’S FLORENTINE IDENTITY

Artwork: Lecter with Frame by Roboqueer. Text added by Kathrynethegreat.

Nearly ten years after the reader left Hannibal Lecter behind in Thomas Harris’ The Silence of the Lambs, they find themselves meeting the good Doctor again – this time in Florence, living under the alias of Dr.Fell, the relatively new curator for the Capponi Library after the previous curator disappeared under suspicious circumstances…

But what is the significance of the name Dr.Fell?  As we all know, Thomas Harris chooses his words with great care, and Hannibal Lecter’s false identity is no exception.

Keep reading

[kass-storycorner]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Hu Tao and Chongyun storyquests the past days. Both deal with the afterlife (well the border between life and death so far) and ghosts. We know both are canon in Genshin, they exist for this world. Now what I’ve been thinking a lot about is … how much angst can I write with that in mind? I always see a lot of these how the characters would react to your death but… yeah, have fun with this. Or not.

The ghost of you

Prompt: You died and the characters are faced with the literal ghost of you.

Genre: Angst, Hurt, no comfort (especially for Xiao)

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao,

Format: text

Word count: 1714

This is not proof-read or anything, I just wanted to get that idea out of my head. I also really want to write this idea out for other characters, so maybe I'll share a part 2 in the future. and yes the title might be a mcr reference and i might have two other fics in my drafts named after mcr songsi had a rough week okay

Zhongli:

He loved you. With all his heart, with every fibre of his being, he loved you so much. Zhongli always knew that his decision to live a life among mortals would cost a price, but in his mind, it was paid with his Gnosis all those years ago. It was not until the first of his mortal friends started to die that Zhongli was reminded of how fragile humans were. Of course, he was aware to a certain degree that he would outlive his friends and even you, he just never considered how quickly a human life was lived. You both had spent an entire life together, and while Zhonglis body did not biologically age, he is able to change his form to his liking - so when you grew old and grey so did he. Most people in Liyue would see the two of take your stroll around the city, holding hands and they were enamoured by the way you still looked at each other, just like a newlywed couple. But you grew older each day until one day, on one of your walks through the city, your collapsed. Zhongli was quick to catch you and the people around rushed towards the two, helping Zhongli getting you to a doctor. However, what was a doctor to do, than to tell Zhongli that your body is giving up? The doctor nor Zhongli can do anything against the flow of time, though Zhongli wished he could. He was not ready to let you go, he was not ready for you to onyl life in his memories until the erosion of the earth will erease you from them.

You layed in the hospital bed, Zhongli right next to you never letting go of your hand, when you took your last breath. He sat next to you for a while, not saying a word, tears running down his face until he heard your voice.

"It's okay," there you stood on the other side of the bed, your dead body between the two of you. In all the years Zhongli lived he had seen more than a few ghosts and he was aware of the human afterlife - though seeing your ghost wasn't something he anticipated. "You're dead", Zhongli said quietly, tears still spilling from his eyes. "I know, love. I know. And I wish I could've stayed with you just a bit longer, I really do. But it's time. You gave me such a wonderful life; we spend so many years together and I am so thankful for it Zhongli. For all the stories you told me, for all the sleepless nights we spend together, for all the memories we made. I loved it. I love you." Zhongli still hadn't let go of your hand, still afraid of letting you go, even though the mind he loved was standing so close to him. "Love," he started, his voice heavy with grief. "I have so many more stories to tell you. Will you stay, just for a while longer?"

At that you had to laugh a bit and oh, how much he already missed your laugh. He just heard it a few hours ago, when you were still alive, but hearing it now just felt so painful. "Zhongli, even 10 lifetimes wouldn't be enough to be able to listen to all of your stories. But I'm so sorry to disappoint you, you know I can't stay."

He knew this just too well. Not only as someone who worked for decades as a consultant of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor in Liyue, but also as the former Geo-Archon he knew it was better for you to go. It pained him that he could never follow you into the afterlife that was awaiting you, even Zhongli didn't know what awaits you behind the border between life and death. "Then," Zhongli began, standing up and letting go of your cold hand, "let me accompany you."

Xiao:

Continuation for the Xiao one

Xiao refused to go even near the place you died for decades. The day he lost you was still so fresh in his memories, it pained him even more than his karmic debt to think about it. He always told you, when you were still by his side, that when you were in trouble, in danger, to always call his name. You did. You always did and he would be by your side, protecting you from what would’ve harmed you. The only time you refused to call his name in time was the day you died, and all Xiao could do was blame himself. You were visiting at the Inn earlier that day, standing next to him on the balcony talking about something he doesn’t even remember. What he remembers how happy you were, how enthusiastic you talked about it, whatever it was. Somehow though the conversation shifted, and you both ended up fighting – the reason for it was so stupid and it was all his fault. He was just in a bad mood that day and not even your warm presence were able to change it, so he let it out on you. Trying to push you away, again. Xiao cursed himself for how often he did that, how often he would hide how much he loved you, how much he cared for you, behind a mean exterior that only caused you pain. You knew what he was doing and that day, you just had enough. “Stop trying to push me away, Xiao!”, you shouted at him, tears already filling your eyes. You tried to reach for him, but he pulled away. Keeping you at a distance, again. “And you just stop talking, it’s exhausting to hear your voice.” Xiao already hated himself immediately after he said it, but looking back now, knowing what his words caused… it drove him close to madness. “Fine,” you replied, and he could her how much his words hurt you, “then you’ll never hear it again.” With that you left him. He tried to distract himself from the guilt he felt after your fight with his work, slashing through the enemies, spoiling the earth of Liyue with more blood. For nearly a month he didn’t hear you call him, and he was too scared to seek you out. Scared that you wouldn’t want to see him, scared that he ruined it all. When you finally called for him, when he finally heard you say his name – he hoped it was a chance for him to make it up to you. Xiao was not prepared to find your lifeless body, realising that you called his name with your very last breath. It send him into a blind rage, killing the enemies around him that were the cause for your death. When there was nothing left to kill he collapsed next to your corpse, tears spilling from his eyes, chanting your name over and over like a prayer. Asking himself why you hadn’t called him sooner to only remember what he said weeks prior. It was his fault. He couldn’t help it but to blame himself for your death. If he hadn’t said those words, if he hadn’t continuously tried to push you away… you were right. Xiao will never hear your voice again.

He avoided to go even near the place you died. If he hadn’t done that, if he had visited at least once, he would’ve seen your ghost, wandering aimlessly around. At first you were just confused, what had just happened? The last thing you remembered is that you called for Xiao and now? Now you stood in the middle of a forest, no Xiao in sight but also the enemies who cornered you just now were also gone. For how long you wandered around, confused and not sure what had happened you didn’t know. It scared you. You screamed his name, over and over again but you couldn’t hear your own voice. You just couldn’t make a sound.

He didn’t mean to come across that place again. Xiao learned to live with the guilt and grief he felt, just as he had to learn to live with his karmic debt. Still, it hurts more than he likes to admit. So when he stumbled upon the place he lost you all those years ago, he asked himself how he ended up here again. Something was telling him he should come here, but he tried to ignore that voice, that calling. But when he saw your ghostly figure between the trees of the forest, it used to be a plain field when you had died, he froze. Was it really you? “(Y/N)?”, he called out to you. Oh, how long he hadn’t said your name. It felt foreign, but also so familiar at the same time. But you didn’t hear nor see him, you were too lost after years of roaming the fields that grew to a forest – not being able to understand that time passed, that you were dead. Xiao came closer to your ghost and saw how you screamed something, over and over. His name. It was his name. “(Y/N) it’s me, I’m here. Please, I’m here, it’s okay”, his voice was strained and when your face met his – Xiao noticed how you didn’t look at him. You looked right through him, he noticed now how he couldn’t reach you with his words nor his presences. He tried to grab you, but his hand only touched the air. If he could at least hear you call his name. Xiao felt how his tears ran down his face, his heart shattering again in thousand pieces. Why hadn’t he noticed it earlier how you roamed the earth, lost and scared. He saw it in your face. Why didn’t he come here earlier? It pained him to know that you hadn’t found your peace. Xiao went down on his knees, face buried in his hands. The last time he felt so helpless was when he found your dead body, unable to help you. And now? Now it happened again, he had no idea what he could do to help you, to make you see him. From that day on Xiao spend most of his time watching over your ghost, hoping that one day he’ll hear you call out to him again.

[yhwhsdaughter]

pairing: trevor belmont x fem reader

content: forced vampirism, monster slaying, main character death, pining, angst, mention of animal death, usage of the word ‘assault’ to refer vampires feeding on reader

- this was meant as platonic soulmates but it can be seen as romantic too

“It hurts…”

Feet dragging across the rocky ground, you heard screeches of pain from behind, though they soon diminished. You could only focus on the pulsing sensation at the side of your neck; it was like fire rushing through your veins.

Preoccupied with your agony, Belmont was able to sneak up. He raised his whip, ready to kill off the last of the creatures when you suddenly turned, and with glossy eyes you said, “Help me…”

The whip managed to leave a thin horizontal line across your cheek as he pulled back, causing blood to drip out slowly. Now illuminated by the moon, Belmont saw the damage on you. Skin exposed by the ripped clothes showed multiple bite marks. Blood stained the corner of your lips.

She’s been infected..

Belmont didn’t see a monster but a scared woman who’d just been assaulted by vampires. He knew what she’d turn into, but he couldn’t kill her… not when she looked at him like this. Sunrise was approaching so he had to act fast.

Draping his cloak onto your form, Belmont proceeded to carry you into the nearest building, which so happened to be where the carnage had occurred. Upon recognizing the place, you began to panic, shaking and looking at him with distrust. “You’re safe. I killed every last of those bloodsuckers.”

The two of you stayed like that for a while, in that shitty stinking room. Eventually tiredness overcame your senses; Belmont felt weight settle on his shoulder. He wonder how a vampire could look so innocent whilst sleeping.

“Hungry…”

You felt parched; it felt like your throat had dried up, barely able to utter a word.

“I know.”

A rabbit was placed in front of you. Blinking at it, you directed a confused glance at the man. “I’m—this is.. for me?” He nodded. Taking the animal with traces of disgust, you raised it to your mouth. Blood gushed into your mouth; feeding made a horrible slurping that would certainly haunt you but there was relief amongst those troubling feelings.

You gulped every last drop, draining the poor creature of its life. Still, your hunger and thirst weren’t satiated. Biting your lip, you pondered on the next move. Because this man had saved you, daring to kill him or even feed off him seemed… rude. Not to mention, he seemed way stronger than you in terms of experience. Prior to this, you were a regular citizen. Maybe you could run away?

“Here.”

Trevor could see your turmoil. Most vampires needed to drain at least one human every time they fed—if they were being generous. They could survive weeks without blood but it made them weaker. Besides, it was older vampires who had this kind of self control. Newborns tended to be more unstable.

“Just take it before I change my mind.”

You did as told, though you were still unsure. Hesitating, you licked your lips before nearing towards the vein on his wrist.

Trevor let out a grunt when your fangs pierced him. Although you tried to be gentle, it was an uncomfortable feeling nonetheless. As he became lightheaded and you full, the mouth that was attached to his wrist removed itself with a ‘pop’.

After making sure he was alright, you asked for his name. “Trevor. Trevor Belmont.”

“Oh..”

“……”

“Oh! I’m (Name) (Surname).”

─── ☾☼☽ ───

“It’s dangerous.”

“I still-still want to go!”

The last remnants of sun were gone. Ever since your first encounter with the rugged monster hunter, you refused to part from him, following the latter like a lost puppy.

“I’m not much of a fighter.. b-but watch this!”

On cue, you punched the nearest tree, cracking it and making a sizable hole. You looked back proudly towards Trevor; except when you tried to pull your hand out, you were having difficulty.

“Ah. It’s stuck.”

Trevor couldn’t help but chuckle, walking away, clearly amused with your display of power. You pulled harder, “Hold on! Don’t leave me alone! It’s scary..” you muttered the last part while chasing after him. Despite being a creature of the night, the world and its evils still frightened you.

At the sound of a branch snapping, you yelped, grabbing a piece of Trevor’s cloak for security.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Belmont when you punched a head clean off, practically decapitating one of the attackers. He might have been seriously injured if you had not intervened.

“Trevor.”

Gazing at you under the moonlight, he saw the hunger in your eyes as you held a man whom was still alive but struggling. His neck was exposed. Even so, you waited.

The Belmont turned away, giving you privacy to feed.

He knew that by allowing you to live, you would continue to take blood from others. Normally he wouldn’t feel soft towards a monster but whenever he thought of you, it was different.

His guilt was lessened when you drank from scum. Before putting the lives of innocents in danger, he would offer his own.

“Are you done?”

The corpse of the man was dropped unceremoniously as you joined Trevor, a light skip to your step.

─── ☾☼☽ ───

Despite adopting a nighttime lifestyle, Trevor was still human and had to conduct business during daylight hours.

He’d left your lodgings, which was an abandoned cottage, for a while. Nobody really passed through there anyway, so he thought you were safe. Worst came to worse, you could handle yourself. But as your self proclaimed protector, Trevor felt uneasy leaving you alone.

Maybe he should’ve listened to his gut because when he arrived, the door was wide open with dirty footprints leading in all the way to your coffin.

Two men had opened it—staring at the peaceful expression on your face, unaware that they were here to end you. To them it was obvious what you were. Even with that frilly white dress that made you look somewhat angelic, they couldn’t be fooled. As they raised their weapons to strike, Trevor used his whip. His sudden entrance startled them but it gave you the chance to wake up.

Eyes snapping open, you jumped onto the other man, taking both of you to the ground. His screams echoed shortly as you tore into his throat. The remaining one had no chance; Trevor left the room, closing the door on his way out, killing the light that entered and cutting off the way to escape.

Left alone with your prey, a smile crept up your face.

When you opened the door again, the dress which decorated your body was now stained red. There was hardly a clean piece on the material. Even so, you greeted Trevor with a hug.

“Trevor..”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“M-me too..”

─── ☾☼☽ ───

Forty years passed in the blink of an eye.

“You should retire.”

“Belmonts don’t retire. The only rest they get is when they’re dead.”

“Well I don’t want you to die.”

“I have to, someday.”

“No you don’t.”

It’s been like this for the past few years; Trevor was sixty now. His body didn’t look that of an aging man, but the expression on his face did. He’d seen too much and as time passed, it was harder to fight monsters by himself.

Of course you’d noticed that and suggested turning him. It was an ongoing discussion; Trevor didn’t fancy the idea of living an eternal life but the thought of leaving this earth without you was disheartening. He didn’t say it but the situation tore him apart.

There was also the fact that he was too old for you; forty years to be exact. You’d maintained your youth, looking lovely as ever. His doubts were shot down when you immediately said that you didn’t care about that.

“I just want you.”

He always kept pushing the conversation away and you were patient. Trevor supposed that you could’ve taken him by force if you wanted and when he inquired, you told him it would be like violating him, robbing him of the choice you were never given.

As understanding as you were; the time would come for him to decide and confront you about it.

That time was now.

He should have been more careful, but there was nothing to be done about it now. Trevor watched as the sun slowly descended. Would you make it here before he passed? Would he die without seeing you one last time?

When you woke night had already fallen. Trevor wasn’t home; he’d been late plenty of times before but this occasion felt different.

Upon stepping outside, the smell of blood hit you. It reeked, staining the very air. You immediately recognized the source—how could you not? You’d fed from Trevor countless times.

Rushing in that direction, you prayed to whatever entity was listening to keep Trevor safe. The world and its gods could condemn you, but not him.

Not him.

You found him sprawled on a big rock, a creature hovering over his crumpled figure. Without thinking, you tore it to pieces. Blood rained as his mangled body flew to various parts of the forest.

“Trevor!!!”

He let out a groan, which would’ve made you sigh in relief but his visible injuries proved otherwise. You were no doctor and even if you could carry him into town, it would be too late. There was no other option. If you didn’t do anything, you might lose him.

“Trevor. Let me do it.”

Still conscious enough to reply, “I don’t want to become—”

“A monster?”

“I cannot become what I sought to destroy..”

Tears escaped your eyes, blurring the image of the person whom you treasure most. “Please.. please please please..! Don’t leave me alone!”

You begged, knowing it was unfair to pressure him in such way but you couldn’t bare the thought of existing if he wasn’t present. He was your salvation, your companion…your world. And yet, he was being robbed from you.

So soon… It’s too soon!

You always imagined Trevor living well into old age, spending the remainder of his life with you, being happy. He was destined to die peacefully, not like this. Not in this shitty place, by the hands of a shitty monster!

“I can’t. I’m sorry..”

Grabbing his hands, you lowered your forehead on them, crying your heart out. It was unfair. Life was unfair.

“Kiss me.”

Despite the pain that he was in, Trevor found it in himself to smile. For you. “Kiss me one last time.” Tears dropped slowly as you heard him. Shaking your head; you couldn’t kill him.

“I want it to be you..”

His words struck a chord.

Lifting him by the neck in a gentle manner, you pushed the collar of his shirt aside, exposing his carotid. As you bit into his familiar skin once more, your other hand caressed him, trying to make this goodbye as painless as possible.

With every sip you took, tears fell down.

I love you! I love you! I love you!

His warm hand turned cold.

You held him in your arms like he once did to you, with the outmost care, with the love he deserved.

Since Trevor didn’t say where he wanted his body to be buried, you chose the nicest spot. It was a secluded place where it wouldn’t be dug up by animals or people—but not so hidden either.

Whilst cleaning the blood that covered his body and face, you found a piece of cloth with writing on it. Staring at it, you recognized the Belmont insignia. Turning the material, you managed to read the words…

Take this. Go to Alucard.

Trevor must’ve written that in his final moments; probably in case he didn’t make it before you arrived. The letters were sloppy because of the blood but you could read it well.

Clutching it to your chest, you sobbed until the light of day began to burn. For a moment you wished to stay there and disappear. Perhaps you could join Trevor.

Together even in death..

─── ☾☼☽ ───

The journey was rather long.

Looming in all its glory, Castle Dracula. You looked at the last piece of your beloved, holding it tighter in your hand.

“Okay. Let’s meet this Alucard.”

[byunmyeon]

Philophobia

↳ pairing: lee suho x reader

↳ synopsis: in a world where a red string connects soulmates, everyone knows who they belong with. except you, who hasn’t been able to see your string since you were a kid.

↳ warnings: language (like one word), a copious amount of angst and heartbreak

— note: there’s a serious lack of suho fics out there so I decided to write my own. lmk if you guys want me to write a second part!

There was something inexplicably eerie about being the new girl in a school that was twice the size of your old one. Not because it was an unfamiliar setting, nor was it because you were painfully shy and terrible at making friends. It wasn’t even your disparaging insecurities that had you feeling so shook. No, it was something you couldn’t put your finger on, something you couldn’t begin to name. A discomfort you could feel all the way down to your bones.

Your inordinate unease swelled into full blown panic with every step you took toward your new classroom. Somewhere in your unorganized mind, you could hear your mom’s reassuring voice. Everything will be okay. You didn’t know if her words held any truth, but you really, really, really hoped she was right. You were being stupid, honestly. There was nothing to fear, but you couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling from your stature. Despite all the undesirable emotions you felt, your breathing was normal and your heartbeat was steady.

It took you a minute to gather yourself. You could do this.

After a very ineffectual pep talk, you finally got your feet to move. Your eyes were cast down as you entered the classroom. The rowdy classroom went silent once your presence became known. You swallowed the nerves and chanced a glance at your new classmates. The reactions were a mixture of curiosity and disinterest.

When your teacher introduced you to the class, you decided to really look at your new classmates. Among the sea of unfamiliar faces, one stuck out. An unnaturally attractive face belonging to an unfamiliar boy. His stare was strange. It was full of an intensity you couldn’t comprehend. You kept staring, in spite of yourself. Fuck. Was it possible for someone to be so attractive?

The clapping of your classmates pulled you back into reality. You were quick to look elsewhere, unable to understand the sudden lurch of your heart.

Suho couldn’t take his eyes off the new girl, more specifically, the string neatly wrapped around her index finger. He watched her carefully. The shy smile she wore was annoyingly adorable, and it made a foreign warmth spread across his chest and along his entire body. The new girl didn’t spare him another glance as she took her seat next to Jugyeong.

Lim Jugyeong.

He wasn’t her soulmate and she wasn’t his, but she was the girl who had unknowingly stolen his heart. That wasn’t about to change because some stranger who he was supposedly meant to be with came into his life with no warning.

Suho looked back to the front of the classroom without looking at the new girl again.

The first time it happened, you wrote it off as fatigue. After all, you had just started middle school and trying to keep up with your new workload as well as your budding social life was exhausting. That day, the color of your string had faded a bit, but it was still visible. By the time you were on your way home it disappeared for a mere second before regaining its color. Days later, it was completely gone.

When your mom first found out you could no longer see your string, she became extremely distraught. It had affected her more than it did you, honestly. She wasted no time in taking you to see countless specialists and psychologists. Anything to keep you from becoming a freak that didn’t know who they were meant to be with. She unknowingly made you feel exactly like that.

Apparently, you were a rare case because every person you went to for help wanted to conduct a study on you and your condition. Fortunately for you, your mom didn’t want you becoming a lab rat and decided to stop seeking out help from strangers. Left with no other option, you went to one person who she believed could help you. An old friend of hers.

He wasn’t a specialist, just a regular doctor who came to the conclusion that a deep, scarring trauma had caused you to no longer see your string. You could remember the heartbreak on your mom’s face because you both knew what that trauma was.

Your mom did her best to help you. Spending more time together and countless hours of therapy did nothing for your condition. Nothing worked. You became convinced that trying to see your string again was futile.

And you were right.

As time went on, you grew used to the unease that had latched itself onto you on that first day. The feeling in your bones settled in like an unwelcome guest who refused to leave. No matter what you did, you couldn’t shake the feeling. Eventually, you gave up trying.

However, something shifted when you crossed paths with Lee Suho.

You two had been put in the same group for a science lab. His attention had been solely on Lim Jugyeong, but there were times when your eyes would meet. Those milliseconds were just that, but to you they felt like an eternity. He rarely addressed you, but when he did, you could feel the pressure weighing on your bones fade bit by bit. That familiar feeling soon shifted into a more comfortable presence that you yearned to feel forever.

It was subtle, but at some point, Suho’s emotionless face changed. The change would last for no more than a second, but it always did when he looked at you. That change had your entire stature seeping with warmth. You vaguely recognized the feeling as something akin to infatuation.

It scared you.

Of course, the possibility that he might be your soulmate crossed your mind, but you quickly dismissed that thought.

Too many times had you gotten in trouble for insisting someone was your soulmate when they really weren’t. Any special bond or feelings that grew between you and someone else couldn’t always be interpreted as the ones between soulmates. You learned that the hard way.

Besides, your soulmate would make it clear to name themselves as such even if you couldn’t see the string.

At least, you hoped they would.

Philophobia.

Before you went into high school, your mom insisted you see one last psychologist with the promise that the one she found was different. Reluctantly, you went to see this woman who diagnosed you with this absurd illness. You felt like it was made up, but your mother was adamant that you did have it.

You knew she only thought that because you had told her you no longer had any interest in finding your soulmate. Her panic was unrivaled after hearing those words come out of your mouth. You wrote off her panic because your disinterest in soulmates was only natural. How could it not when—at the time—it was all your friends could talk about? Talk about being the odd man out.

Okay, and maybe you also weren’t keen on meeting new people because of the fear that they could easily ignore the string you couldn’t see. There was also the fear that if you ever did meet someone you wanted to spend your life with, they could end up not being your soulmate and vice versa.

But those feelings would all fade with time, you were sure.

Hanging out near the back of the school where no one ever went became a regular thing for you. It was the one spot where you didn’t have to worry about your soulmate or anything related to that—a safe place. Until it wasn’t.

“You can’t just ignore the bond you have with her.”

The angry voice was one you vaguely recognized. You peeked around the corner, eyes widening when you saw Han Seojun and Lee Suho in the middle of what appeared to be an argument.

“Why are you bringing that up?” Suho’s eyes narrowed. “Do you still like Jugyeong?”

Seojun’s gaze hardened. ���It’s not about that.”

It was wrong to listen on what was clearly meant to be a private conversation, but your feet wouldn’t move. You could see Suho’s anger and irritation from your hiding place, and for some reason seeing him that way made a blistering discomfort latch itself onto your chest.

“You’re being unfair to Jugyeong and Y/N.”

The mention of your name had your insides twisting into an uncomfortable knot. You didn’t understand why or how you had anything to do with the discussion, but you had a feeling the reason wasn’t anything good.

“Just because she’s my soulmate doesn’t mean I owe her anything.”

There was a sharp pain in your chest, one that grew into a searing pain as the seconds ticked by. You might’ve cried out in pain had it not been for the shock that consumed you. In a sudden instant, your vision became blurred with tears as you staggered back. His words were the worst form of torture, like a piece of barbed wire that wrapped itself around your heart.

Your fate was a cruel one, forever bound to someone who refused to acknowledge the bond between you two. Lee Suho was your soulmate, but he didn’t want to be.

It was a cruel reality to have your worst nightmare come to life.

“Is it true?”

Suho raised an eyebrow at you. His gaze didn’t soften like it once did. Now it just remained impassive, almost annoyed. The cold look he was giving you was making you regret even coming to him in the first place.

“Are you really my soulmate?”

“Why are you acting like you don’t know?” Suho’s unaffected stare unsettled you. “You’ve known since the first time we saw each other.”

But you hadn’t known. This entire time you had been driving yourself crazy thinking you were only imagining the connection between you two like you had done countless times after you first lost the sight of your string. Despite wanting to tell him that, you settled for a question.

“What about Jugyeong? Don’t you think she—?”

“Are you going to tell her?” He interrupted you.

You could literally hear your heart crack. Of course that’s all he cared about. He didn’t care whether or not you were hurt and upset, hell, he probably thought you had no interest in your soulmate. But he was wrong, so very wrong.

“Why?” He demanded. “You don’t want me as your soulmate either. You’ve been ignoring the bond, too.”

I can’t see my string! You nearly yelled. The words were clawing at your throat, eager to be released. But you found yourself unable to tell him the truth.

“My soul chose yours,” you said, close to tears. “And a soul just doesn’t forget that.”

For a moment, one that was so quick you thought you imagined it, Suho looked remorseful. Stupidly, it made you hope that he would accept you and the bond that bounded you together.

“Don’t tell her.” His voice didn’t sound like a plea, but you knew what he was asking you to do was clearly important to him. “I can’t loose her.”

And so, you agreed. Even if it meant that your own heart would be left in tatters.