#my mum is about the same age charles would have been if he was alive so I end up mentally comparing him to her a lot

[zinnie-zoloft]

People joke about Charles and his excessive use of British 80s slang but I can confirm my mum still uses words like brill, fab, peach, etc. It’s barely an exaggeration

[official-weasley]

Dealing with Everything - (The Irreplaceable Charlie Weasley AU)

Warnings: grief with a wholesome ending 💙

Word count: 3,508

Characters: Charlie Weasley and my OC Nova from TICW which you can find here

Nova

“Mum, I don't know how to thank you enough for staying with us this past month.” I placed two cups on the kitchen table and gestured for my mum to join me.

“No need to thank me. You both lost loved ones in the battle, you need time to process everything and recover.” Mum stood up, careful not to wake Aoede who was peacefully sleeping on the sofa.

“Mhm.” I hummed and sat down as my mum joined me.

“I know I ask you every day but how are you? And please try saying something else than you being fine. Aoede is sleeping so you have no excuse not to talk about your feelings.”

“Honestly, I don't know how to deal with it.” I felt tears gathering in my eyes. “I never thought I would have to attend a funeral of one of my closest friends while we're still in our twenties. And then seeing Charlie so down, not being his cheerful self, sleeping most of the time and eating a meal per day and even that has to be forced. And then there's her,” I nodded to where Aoede was sleeping, “it is so unfair to her for her parents being so absent. She deserves all the love and attention and I know she misses spending time with her dad and I...” I took a deep breath. “...I just force a smile and hug her as much as I can but it's not fair to her. I just...I can't help it, mum, I...”

“Shhh.” Mum pulled me in a hug as tears started running down my face. “It's okay, sweetheart. It's reasonable for you to feel this way and trust me, Aoede is too young to notice that you are hiding your emotions. I have been with you every day since you came back and you are doing great with her.”

“Really?” I sniffed.

“You will have enough time to love her as you think she deserves to be loved and I admire you for being so strong and laughing and having a good time with her.” Mum bestowed me with a small smile.

“She's the only thing that makes me smile every day.”

“Give it time, sweetheart. You will heal.” She brushed her fingers through my hair.

“I know. It's just...it's so hard. I can't even explain what happened to me when I saw Nymphadora like that and then all those thoughts about Teddy losing both his parents and thinking that the same thing could happen to Aoede, it completely destroyed me.” I buried my face in my hands.

“She was one of your best friends, Nova. It's only natural.” Mum tried calming me down.

“And the worst part is is that it wasn't as painful when dad died and I feel so guilty for that.”

I bit my tongue when I said that. I didn't mean to ever say it out loud, especially not in front of mum but it has been eating me alive.

“Nova, you were 14 when you lost your dad. We process death in a different way at that age and you said it yourself that now looking back you would react differently than you did and you didn't lose anyone else close to you until now and you're 25 years old now. You see things differently. You said you cried your eyes out and 5 minutes after that you went to find Harry to see how he was doing while you were falling apart yourself. When your dad died you didn't even know how you got to the Burrow that's how wrapped up in your grief you were.”

“I guess,” I shrugged my shoulders, “we were never close but I had this need to tell him that everything will be okay.”

“You have that after your dad.” Mum smiled at me. “He also put others first no matter how down he was.”

“Well, I have to be strong for my daughter and I have to be there for Charlie. Yes, losing Tonks has been hard and I know I won't be over it any time soon but Charlie lost a brother and I feel so helpless.” A new set of tears ran down my cheeks, me looking at the stairs that lead to the upper floor.

“I know how grateful you were when Charlie was by your side when your dad passed away, just remember what he did back then. You two are so similar and nobody knows him as you do. I am sure you will find a way to comfort him.”

“I will think of something,” I said absentmindedly.

“And while you do, I will be here for you both and help you around the house and with your beautiful baby girl.”

“Thank you, mum.” I sniffed and she pulled me into a tight hug.

“I told you to stop thanking me. Now that the war is over and I can retire, I can finally make up for all the lost time that I couldn't spend with you.” She smiled at me.

“Well, we love having you around and we have more than enough room so you are welcome to stay for as long as you want to.”

“Does Charlie still have nightmares?” Mum whispered after a minute.

“Yeah, he wakes up at least once per night. It's either Fred or Tonks.” I said, not even trying to hide the concern in my voice.

Ever since we came back Charlie has been having nightmares every night about his brother and our friend being killed or in a situation where he couldn't help them. Even if he denies it, I know he is trying to blame himself for what happened. Perhaps not so much for Tonks as for Fred, but the guilt is there.

“Can you watch over Aoede so I can go and check on Charlie? Perhaps I'll have more luck getting him downstairs for lunch for a change.” I said after a few minutes of us both sipping our tea in silence.

“Of course.”

“Char.” I gently knocked on the door of our bedroom.

“I'm awake.” I heard him say in a husky voice.

“Hi.” I smiled at him, happy to see him sit on the bed instead of lay in it. “What are you doing?”

“I am going through the family album.” He tapped on the bed for me to sit next to him.

I sat down and he turned the pages to get back at the beginning.

“Look, it's me and Bill when we were 3 and 5.” Charlie gave out a small chuckle.

“You two had the same haircut?” I giggled.

Arthur gave him the photo album when we moved to Romania and every time Charlie felt homesick we went through these pictures together. I have seen these photos so many times but I was so happy that Charlie was willing to speak and share it with me right now that I pretended I was seeing them for the first time.

“Hey, don't judge. We were adorable.” Charlie nudged me with his elbow.

“And here is us making cookies. And seeing Percy for the first time. And, oh, look! It's Freddie and Georgie's first birthday.” Charlie tilted his head, thinking I wouldn't be able to see that a tear marked his right cheek.

“It's okay to cry, Charlie,” I said in a whisper.

“I just can't stop, Nova. I am trying to get back on my feet. I want to get out of this room and go back to my everyday life. I want to play with our daughter and hear her giggle and I want to help you around the house. I am so useless and I just lay around all day feeling sorry for myself.” He closed the album and buried his head in my shoulder, sobbing.

“Hey, hey. First of all, you are not useless. I know you don't see it but I am not doing the best either. I don't know what I would do if my mum wouldn't be here to help us and you don't need to worry about the house. It can be a complete mess for all I care if it meant you would get better. Char, you lost a brother, how else are you supposed to feel?” I pressed him harder against my chest, neither of us wanting to let go.

“I just don't know what to do with all this pain. I have never had to deal with death before. How do you do it?” He loosened the grip around me just a little bit and looked up at me with his eyes red and puffy.

“Well, I have learned that talking about your feelings helps. It also feels good to cry and get a big, tight hug.” I pressed my forehead to his and smiled softly.

“It is also very nice when Aoede tells you one of her adventure stories. Honestly, I have no idea who she got such a vivid imagination from.” I smirked.

“Really?” Charlie chuckled. “I would take a wild guess that it's after us since we're both such daydreamers. But it's probably from her uncle Percy.”

“Yeah, probably.” We laughed together for the first time in a month.

“What time is it?” Charlie asked after us being embraced in silence for 15 minutes.

“It's going to be 2 I think,” I whispered.

“Oh, it's Aoede's nap time.”

“She'll wake up soon and I can bring her upstairs if you want.” I couldn't help but grin at him.

I was so proud of him for being so strong and coping with everything as he is. I was just happy that he was willing to talk about his feelings to me and telling me the truth about how he feels.

“No. I'll come downstairs.” He kissed me before getting up and walking to the closet.

“Do we have any plans for lunch yet?” He asked as he pulled a shirt over his head.

“No. I wanted to ask you if you were craving something just that I could make you eat anything.” I answered truthfully.

“I am sorry I have been so stubborn about it.” He bowed his head, sitting back next to me.

“Stop apologizing, Charles. All your behavior is completely normal for someone who is mourning.” I ran my fingers through his hair.

“Could you pull it up in a bun for me? I love when you do it.” He shook his head a bit, making his curly locks fly everywhere.

“It would be my pleasure.” I smiled and reached with my hand to the nightstand where he had a hair tie.

“So, why did you ask what we are having for lunch? What would you like?” I asked as I was trying to comb his hair with my fingers.

“Pancakes.” I felt his body vibrate in a giggle.

“Want to make them together?” I suggested with the biggest smile on my face.

Pancakes weren't only a tradition in our household on Sundays but they were our favorite comfort food too.

“You read my mind, love.” Charlie turned around and kissed me tenderly.

We both looked at the door when we heard Aoede giggle.

“Right on time.” Charlie clapped his hands together excited to spend some time with his daughter.

“I know you are happy to get out of bed and spend some time with us but just know that you don't have to force it if you feel it would do you better just being wrapped in a blanket and sleep all day. Know that we are not mad, we just want you to be okay.” I helped him get up and we started toward the door.

“I know. Thank you for giving me time and I don't know how I will feel tomorrow but right now I want to spend some time with my family.” He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back – I missed his smile so much.

He made us stop halfway downstairs.

“Also, I am thinking of going to see George tomorrow or maybe the day after that. We both lost a brother but he lost a twin and I haven't talked to him at all since...you know.”

“Okay, whatever you have to do.” I entwined our fingers and squeezed them together.

“Also, how are you dealing with everything? I am sorry for being such a lousy husband. I didn't ask you once since we came back.” Tears started gathering in his eyes again.

“I told you to stop apologizing and I am doing okay.” I shrugged and gestured for us to continue walking downstairs.

“Which is Nova language for I have to be strong for you and I don't care how I feel.” He raised his eyebrows at me, extending his arm to reach the wall so I couldn't walk past him.

“No, really, I am okay.”

“Stop lying to me, love. We promised to each other to always share our feelings no matter how bad they are, so stop pretending I don't know you better than that.

“I don't want to talk about it right now.” I blinked a few times, trying to hold in the tears, avoiding Charlie's gaze.

“It's a beautiful day outside. We can ask your mum if she would be willing to go for a walk with Aoede and we can have a proper cuddle session on the sofa and talk it out?” Charlie suggested.

“I think that's a brilliant idea.”

We both turned our heads to my mum who was smiling at us at the bottom of the stairs.

“Mum, Charlie suggested we make pancakes for lunch. Is that okay with you?” I brushed the tear that ran down my cheek and started walking downstairs again.

“Pancakes?!” I heard Aoede jump off the sofa and her little feet running toward us.

“What do you say, Pumpkin? Want to help daddy make pancakes?” Charlie's face lit up when he saw her and picked her up at once, placing a kiss on her cheek.

“Yes, please!” Aoede started clapping excitedly and pointed to the kitchen.

I sat down at the kitchen table along with my mum and watched them make a mess out of the place while making pancakes. One egg smashed on the floor and the flour was everywhere but nobody cared because of how much fun those two were having. Aoede was giggling so much that she hardly had the time to breathe and I heard Charlie genuinely laugh for the first time in a month.

After we were all too full to walk as Charlie and Aoede made way too much pancake dough, we all settled down on the sofa where Aoede fell asleep in Charlie's lap within minutes.

When she woke up my mum took her for a walk as we asked her to and as Charlie promised me, we stayed on the sofa, cuddled, and cried our eyes out while talking about how we feel and miss the people we lost.

I felt so much better talking to him and finding out how he is. I was so afraid for him just being in our bedroom all the time but I was patient and I hoped he would get better with time and as he said, we don't know how we will feel tomorrow, but today was a very good day for both of us.

Charlie

I took a deep breath before I knocked on the door of George's apartment. I didn't know what I was going to say to him. I was more mentally preparing myself to see in what state he is.

I have been a mess for the past month and even though Fred was my brother I didn't see him as often as George did and I definitely wasn't as close to him as he was. Those two were inseparable since they were born.

I felt the need as an older brother to see how he was doing and see if I could help him in any regard.

I wrote to Bill this morning, inviting him and Fleur to visit us in Romania and I wrote to my mum that she could expect us next week. I wasn't all there yet – not even close, but I was good enough to see my family and be a proper husband to Nova and a father to Aoede.

“Charlie, what are you doing here?” George's eyes widened when he opened the door.

“I came to visit you if that's okay.” I smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of my neck.

“Of course it is!” He pulled me in a hug so tight that it took my breath away but I didn't care that I couldn't breathe – it warmed my heart that he was so happy to see me. “Come in, come in!”

“Want some tea or something sweet?” He asked the second he closed the door behind us.

“Tea is fine, thank you.”

“Are you visiting mum and dad or Bill?” He gestured for me to sit down.

“I am only here to see you,” I answered honestly.

“Oh.” He let the word escape his mouth.

“I, uh, I haven't been doing well so I wanted to see how you are doing.” I took the cookie he offered me without asking why he has a full basket of them.

“I'm doing as good as someone can when they lose a brother.” He forced a smile. “Have been baking a lot, thus the cookies. Tell me what you think of them.”

“They are actually really good,” I said with my mouth full, “I had no idea you could bake.”

“Yeah, they are? Neither did I to be honest.” He sat down next to me, waiting for the water to boil.

“Are you alone all the time?” I couldn't hide the concern in my voice.

“Have been at the Burrow for a week but honestly being around mum is kind of depressing. I mean I understand, we are all a bit messed up but it's just not the environment I need right now. Bill visits me a lot and so does Ron. Ginny stayed with me for a week a few days ago and Angelina comes to hang out here and there.”

“How are the others? We are going to visit mum and dad soon but I have completely isolated myself.” I shook my head, I wasn't proud of it.

“I think we are all about the same.” George shrugged his shoulders and I saw that he wasn't keen on talking about our family.

“Should I even ask how you are?” I whispered.

“I miss him so much, Charlie. I feel like a part of me is gone. All our hard work, everything we did together, it's just memories now. I know it's going to be better with time but it's just so hard to think that this feeling inside my chest – the emptiness of him no longer being with us – will ever go away, you know. I never had to deal with something like this, especially not...” He stopped talking when his voice broke and stood up to finish making the tea.

“Me neither but I have some experience when Nova's dad passed away. You know how hard it was for her and if I have learned anything from her is that being patient with yourself, giving yourself time, and talking about it when you feel like it, is what makes it better. I wish there was a spell to make the feelings you have go away but despite being wizards, we are still only human and we have to deal with it the natural way.”

“I know. I just wish I could've been there with him, protect him, perhaps take his place or just be able to say goodbye if nothing else.” George released his tears, staring into his teacup.

“I wish the same but know that whatever you wanted to tell him, he knows.” I stood up and lifted his chin for him to look me in the eyes and hugged him.

“Thank you for taking the time and seeing me. It means more than I could ever say.” He returned the hug.

“If you have too much time on your hands, you can come and visit us in Romania. Spend some time with us. Bond with Aoede a little. Her laugh is contagious and honestly the best for mending your heart. And she loves to help and cook so perhaps you two could make a mess out of the kitchen together and make cookies.” I giggled.

“Truth be told, that sounds like exactly what I need.” He sniffed and gently pulled away.

“You are welcome anytime, brother.” I smiled at him and returned to my seat.

“How about you spend the night here and we go tomorrow?” He smiled back. “Oh, you know what never mind, you probably have other plans.” He hurried to say, his ears turning pink.

“Not at all,” I tapped him twice on the back, “you are definitely coming to Romania with me tomorrow.”

[mccoyyy]

Bring historical accuracy to Carlisle's early life, pretty please 🥰

absolutely (and thank you @pandabooraccoon and the other two anons who asked something similar to this too I love you so much). I'm putting this under a read more cause, yeah

ok, to start of with I am nowhere near an expert, but this time period in history really fascinates me cause there was so much going on. 

so Carlisle was born in 1640′s London, and at the time there was a shit tonne of religious and political upheaval going on. You had the Union of Crowns, disagreements over the Church systems, covenanting, Civil War and Cromwell, Executions and the removal and restoration of the Monarchy. Shit was mad. But I’m gonna start with Carlisle’s dad (I’m going to call him Abraham but full credit for that one goes to @panlight​) cause I have so many thoughts

Abraham was a pastor in 1640. He most likely started working when he was breached and then took over as Pastor (Preacher) after his dad died. I’m going to say he was born around 1620, married in 1639ish and then Carlisle was born a year later. So he would be what, 20 when Carlisle was born. 

First of the bat, there is no way that Abraham would still be alive and kicking when Carlisle was 23. The life expectancy back then was just under 40, so a 43 year old Abraham cutting about burning witches (and we’ll get to that in just a moment) just isn’t realistic but neither are vampires so oh well. In terms of religion if were being historically accurate, then Abraham would have most likely been an Anglican pastor as that was the dominant form of church in England at the time and he would have been fucked up by the mob/church/general public/all of the above for being anything else

However, it gets sticky when you bring in the idea of Puritanism. I firmly believe that Abraham would have loved Cromwell and puritanism (cause I like to headcanon him as an utter dick) but if were doing that then it creates a problem. If Abe was a devout Protestant Anglican, he would have believed in the divine right of kings (a monarch has no authority other than the word of god and therefore doesn't need to listen to anyone else) and therefore seen Charles I as the mouth of God, and had issues with the whole execution thing, so if Abe was a Puritan, then he would probably have to be a Presbyterian (dominant form of church in Scotland and also the parliamentarians) but again, this causes problems cause no one really liked Presbyterianism (understatement). It’s possible that he could have been influenced by Cromwell and switched from Anglicanism but religion back then was very different to what it was now, it took a lot to get people to change their ideas over faith (see the plague) so I’m gonna go out on a limb and blame Charles I who first started to undermine parliament and try to start Absolutism which lead Abe to change his loyalties. Either that or he supported Cromwell’s agenda but didn’t agree with execution which is the most likely option tbh.

With Abraham out of the way, we can now move on to our boy. Carlisle, the son of a pastor in 1640, there is no fucking way that this dude didn’t know the year/date he was born. Know why? cause dates were recorded by none other than the fucking church. aka his father. Carlisle is just bad with dates but that's ok buddy i guess that happens when your like 300. Secondly, his dad wouldn’t have raised him. It would have been left up to his mum, but cause she wasn't around he would have been raised by a wet nurse until he was breeched and entered the adult world at the ripe and grown up age of six (at least I think but I’m not 100% sure) when he would have started helping his father with sermons, and received an education of some form (probably a clerics education). Either way, he would have been helping his father at a very young age and exposed to so much shit

Back to Abraham for a wee second. Smeyer writes that he hunted down and burned vampires but again, this isn’t likely. Vampire hunters did exist but not in London. They were most common in Bulgarian/Serbian beliefs and even then they were very different to the modern idea of vampire hunters. And secondly, they wouldn’t have been burned! pyres weren’t used in the 1600s and instead would probably have been killed through hangings, torture or trials to determine whether they were a witch or not. So the good news is, Carlisle didn’t have to watch women being burned alive from the age of like six, he would only have to watch women being drowned, tortured, disembowelled, branded and hanged! and not just women accused of being witches, but most likely Catholics too!

We don’t know much about Carlisle’s life from his birth to his ‘death’, so I’m gonna take creative liberty and make some stuff up. London in the 1640s was utterly awful. It was dark, bleak, and really smelly. He was pretty lucky in terms of the plague cause the only major outbreaks occurred just before him and just after him (1603, 25 and 65) but there would have been the odd outbreak. I like to believe that Carlisle was an argumentative little shit and from the age of like 10 argued with his dad about literally everything. Canon says that Carlisle didn’t agree with his fathers particular brand of faith, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that whilst he was still a protestant, and most likely Anglican, he probably followed an early form of religious tolerance at the least. Lutheranism didn’t reach England until around the enlightenment so I don't want to call him that but it was in existence in Germany at the same time so others had probably moved towards it a little, it just didn't have a name. His tolerance probably came from watching his father punish Catholics from the age of six, and their main argument as he got older was probably regarding tolerance of Catholicism. As much as I hate to say it, its low key unrealistic that Carlisle wasn’t married as a human so that would probably have been another point of contest between Carlisle and Abraham.

During Cromwell’s puritan reign was the most prominent witch-hunting years too, so if were being really nit-picky then Abraham would probably have only started hunting witches or at least started doing it a lot more frequently than he previously did round about here.

Cromwell died in 1658, and the monarchy was restored in England in 1660, but Carlisle’s dad most likely still followed puritan ideals and was not happy with the restoration period, and again, the revival of Christmas, theatre and fun was something that 20 year old Carlisle and Abraham would have disagreed over. Carlisle would have taken over a lot of his fathers duties round about this time, leading sermons and all that because Abraham should have been dead by now so I guess smeyer can have that one.

And now we get up to our boy’s final years. And this is like shooting still targets. Carlisle was hunting vampires in London sewers when he got bit, and then crawled into a potato cellar where he writhed in agony for 3-4 days. Firstly, sewers. The London sewage system wasn’t built for one or two hundred years. London was so fucking smelly. Like so much so that if it was sunny the house of commons/Westminster had to be evacuated cause the (literal) shite in the Thames would have warmed up and became especially pungent, and it was only when it started to affect MP’s that they though that maybe they should do something about it (which is probably another reason that super-senses-vampire Carlisle boosted to France as soon as possible). So he wouldn’t have been fighting vampires in sewage systems, but instead an alley, slums, or even along or near the Thames if you want to keep the sewage aspect. 

After being bitten, it would have been pretty difficult for Carlisle to drag himself into a potato cellar because he’d be crawling for quite some time. Potatoes didn't become a staple crop in society for quite a while. They were about and people ate them, but were largely seen as food for the lower classes in society, and there certainly wouldn't have been cellars filled with them.

Also just as a little end note, plague devastated London 5 years after he was turned so literally my favourite headcanon to give Carlisle is that he blamed the outbreak on himself. Yes, he may have went along with the miasmic theory that Plague was caused by bad air instead of his fathers ‘divine punishment’ theories, but there’s nothing like a good bit of puritan guilt am I right? seeing and maybe helping with the plague (masks and so many herbs stuffed inside them would have blocked the smell of blood) is also what I like to think made Carlisle want to go into medicine.

And there you have it. A (sort of) accurate version of Carlisle’s and Abraham’s life. and again, disclaimer, I am nowhere near an expert, so there might be inaccuracies and mistakes here. But basically, smeyer please. Google is free. 

[readingsoyoucanavoidlife]

In Denial

Sometimes I just want everyone to be happy and alive, so here is my headcanons for if Tom Riddle never existed. 

~James and Lily never have to fight in a war, so James becomes a professional quidditch player and he became the longest reining Captain before he quit, bought the club and became the manager for it, as well as the coach for the players. Lily becomes a healer at St. Mungo’s and was able to invent a cure for dragon pox. When James’ parents died as a result of the disease she worked tirelessly researching it and came up with and affective cure. She has a portrait hanging in the hospital and after a long day sometimes has conversations with it (it the only way she can have a decent conversation in her current state). James teases her about it a lot.  

~They get pregnant at a later age, because their relationship doesn’t move as fast since there is the lack of war pressure and not knowing what will happen to them. Same goes for the Weasleys and Andromeda so they all have their children later. (Canonly Molly and Arthur got married quicker because of war) And I’m just going to say that the Grangers had fertility problems, so had Hermione later. (this way the ages and relationships stay the same)

~After Harry they have three more children; Grace Iris Mia Potter, Sophie Lily Potter and Danial Charles Monty Potter. (In that order) (Iris and Charles are Lily’s parents names and Mia and Monty are shortened from Euphemia and Fleamont). Remus becomes Godfather to Grace, Peter (since he couldn’t betray them) becomes Godfather to Sophie, and Marlene becomes Godmother to Danial. Grace is two years younger than Harry (the year bellow Ginny), Sophie is one year bellow her and Danial is two years bellow that.

~They don’t see Dudley or their actual Aunt and Uncle often, they tend to meet up to have a tense cup of tea once a year. The Potter’s always send them birthday and Christmas gifts but the Dursley’s never do. They hardly heat from them until Dudley reaches out saying that he thinks his child is magical. James laughs a lot at this and more specifically the looks on Petunia’s and Vernon’s faces. They do agree to help him and his family understand. 

~When McGonagall becomes Headmistress, the sorting becomes more based on personality and not character and bloodline. Thus ending the prejudice towards the houses. This is the thing that she brings to Hogwarts like the other Heads have done before her. (Dumbledore's was giving people, like Remus, chances) However this is before Minnie’s time so they are all in Griffindor. She becomes Headmistress in Harrys 6th year when Dumbledore leaves to retire in a tropical country, there is no imminent threat so why should he stay at school? His only problem is that sometimes it’s too hot to wear socks.  

~Grace works for the ministry and falls in love with a guy who went to Durmstrang but now works in England, named Eric Luka. They end up having a daughter together, Scarlett Luka. Although when Scarlett is a year old, he walks out on them. Grace becomes a single mum for four years before her co-worker Aiden Murphey asks her out. They had always been friends as he had been a year above her at school, although he was in Ravenclaw. They get married and Scarlett changes her name to Luka-Murphy. They have three children together Liam, then a year later Finn and a year after that they have Owen.

~Sophie become a wizard robe designer and manages to bring some more modern and muggle aspects to the wizarding world. She starts her own clothing brand and falls for some one in Danial’s year. Zoe Phillips, they get married but don’t have any kids. They are perfectly content with spoiling their nieces and nephews.

~Danial is the perfect child of the family and people try to not like him because of it, but end up giving in because he is so nice. He is an architect for the wizarding world and marries a Hufflepuff in his year called Audrey, she is also an architect. Again they are the perfect couple that is so sickening but you can’t help liking them. They have two daughters, Emily and Olivia, who is four years younger. 

~Wolfstar is a thing (as it always has been), they are together up until Harry’s 7th year. They are facing difficult struggles and are always shouting at each other, even though they still love each other. They decide to take a break and they each are set up on dates. Sirius with some guy and Remus with Tonks. On this date Remus gets very drunk because he misses Sirius and they sleep together. 

~ A week later they promise to be better and stop their break. Although after three months, Tonks contacts Remus to tell him that she is pregnant, and it is his decision whether he wants to be part of it or not. Remus has his freak out about whether the baby will be like him and what Sirius will say. 

~Sirius understands what has happened and doesn’t blame Remus because they were on a break, but is upset that he was with someone else. After a talk with James, Sirius feels better and is by Remus’ side the whole way and becomes excited for a baby when Remus calls Tonks to say that he wants to be a part of it (secretly he had always been jealous about the way his nieces and nephews look at James and Lily). Tonks knows how in love the boys are.

~Wolfstar begins to miss out on baby stuff and Sirius complains that its not how its meant to be when the kid arrives, so Tonks come to live with them. Tonks love the arrangement because she doesn’t have to be alone and the boys dote on her and the baby once he arrives. James becomes a Godfather. They continue living together until Teddy a bit after Teddy turns one. Tonks moves to London to be closer to her work and they co-parent using floo network all the time. Sirius normally watches him during the day since he is a wizarding writer and Remus is a professor at Hogwarts (floo’s into work) and Tonks is an auror.

~Harry and Ron become Friends with Hermione when they save her from trouble with Filch for being out after bed (she was in the Library for too long). They help her with the invisibility cloak and she lies for them when McGonagall reveals them from under the cloak when she stepped on the end of it.  

~Neville has a happy childhood and is coated in his parents love, by the time he gets to school he is much more confident. He still takes a toad but his parents gave him an owl. Alice and Frank support all of his choices and are proud of every accomplishment he makes, even if his Grandmother says that it’s a waste of their time and effort. He and Harry are close friends from a very young age because of their parents, although they never really were best friends. When they went to Hogwarts and Harry went off with Ron they still looked out for each other and laughed together.

~Ron and Hermione (Ginny when they got older) came over to the Potter’s for some of the holidays, like they would go to the Weasleys for some before parting for a week before September 1st for “family time” and so their parents could see them off. Because of this Sirius and Remus become close with Ron and Hermione, so when Mrs. Weasley hosts a party (when Teddy is around three) they are invited too as part of the Potter family. Tonks comes along too as a family outing with Teddy. Teddy and Victorie hit it off and begged their parents to have play together more. Tonks sees Charlie at the party and starts talking to him as they were in the same year at school, though in different houses. He introduces her to his friend who works with him and is recently moving to London to lead the organization for dragon well-fair in England, protesting to let the Gringotts dragons free. In short Tonks and the person get together. (still unsure on what her partner identifies as but they are from a Greek pure-blood family with the surname Samaras).

~Charlie never marries or truly settles down but treats his dragons like children and is the best uncle ever.

~Bill comes to England not because of war but because he accidentally got promoted and had to move back. Him and Fleur still get married quickly, and have Victorie a year after that, Dominique come after two years and Louis three years after that. They pretty much lead the same lives other than the fact that their wedding isn’t crashed by Death Eaters and Fleur insists they have it in France (since they don’t have to stay in England for it)

~Hemione and Ron get together in 7th year in a similar sort of way. Ron is caught by Hermione tell off some kids for playing pranks on the house elves and teaches they about their history and situation. She can’t help herself, so she snogs him in the deserted corridor after the kids have gone. 

~Ginny and Harry break up after his 7th year, she wanted more independence especially since this was her last year and the only year attending the school without her family there. Harry was also going to auror training and starting his own path in the world and wanted to experience being by himself in the world, with new responsibilities. They both date a few people whilst broken up and remain close friends, they were each other’s firsts (Harry’s 7th year) but were with other people too. After four years, Ginny made the Harpies first team and one the match for them. Like before, Harry and her ended up kissing in front of the entire stadium, they have been together ever since. 

~ Ron and Harry both became aurors but shortly after Remus retires (he was getting more tiered after the full moons with his age and Sirius’ book became a best selling novel in the muggle and wizarding world so he could support them comfortably), he became the DADA professor. After joining the aurors he never felt like it was a good choice for him and didn’t know what he wanted to do, so he just stuck it out. That was until Remus mentioned he was retiring early and that they were struggling to find a competent professor. 

~Ginny does take maternity leave with each of her children (Jake, Samuel and Lyra - because no one is dead) but still play for the harpies until she is forced to retire. After retiring she writes sports articles for both the Prophet and the Quibbler, becoming chief editor of both. Harry is able to take care of the kids whilst she is away, with the help of a nanny. They both couldn’t see a reason to put either of their careers on hold. 

~Ron revolutionized the strategies that were used and as a result far less people were harmed and more people joined the force. He still took a 7 year break to be a stay at home dad whilst Hermione was being a boss, but practically worked part time since everyone respected his opinion and always asked for his advice (he got paid half time wages because of this). When Rose and Hugo both went to a muggle primary school, Ron worked for them officially again, but because of all the work he had done he rose quickly through the ranks and when the old head of the aurors retired, he became head of the department.

~Fred didn’t die so him and Angelina became a permanent couple (they never wanted to or could be bothered with getting married). They always had an on and off thing since the Yule Ball, they were the only people that they ever were in love with, despite their previous inconsistency. They only had one kid together. Joseph Weasley. Fred wanted him to have a sibling like he had but Angelina only ever wanted one and he had many cousins, George had his second kid at the same time and the boys were practically twins. (Fred II is renamed to Luke Weasley, since Fred didn’t die)

~George married Katie Bell after running into her at Diagon Ally whilst locking up the shop (Fred was out with Angelina that night). They agreed to catch up and it resulted in them having an amazing time, which ended with Katie giving George her contact details. They got pregnant with Roxanne just after George had proposed, so the wedding was preponed until she was there. Unfortunately Katie got pregnant again with Luke just when they started planning the wedding. two years later they finally got married and their children walked down the isle (it was the cutest thing, Molly was weeping).  

~Percy and Oliver fall in love ( how do you expect two guys that are the definition of opposites attract share a room for 7 years and have nothing happen) Oliver stops Percy from being a complete prat as there is no ministry fall out with his family to get him to that point. Oliver makes him realize that his family are the greatest gift, especially with all their flaws. They have a small ceremony with only family and close friends and adopt a little witch naming her after Molly, three years later they adopt another witch and name her Lucy. 

~Snape and Lily still fall out with him calling her a mudblood, just because there wasn’t an group to kill those like her doesn’t mean he didn’t hang around with prejudice people and have those views. He still become potions professor when Slughorn retires. Though occasionally he will get howlers from the Potter’s and Longbottom's shouting at him for his behavior towards his students along with some howlers from Marlene and Dorcas, Emmeline, Mary, Sirius and Peter with use of his old nicknames they had for him. (because how dare he disrespect their friends kids)

~Peter still is friends with the marauders, but he moves away from them and distances himself every year to the point where they only write to each other to celebrate special occasions. He never finds a partner or has children but does become a pub manager and lives comfortably.   

~Draco and the Golden trio make their peace at the end of 7th year. They never become friends, they just forgive each other ( for the most part, him calling Hermione a mudblood is not forgiven). They act civilly towards one another, especially when Scorpius and Samuel announce that they are dating. They learn to tolerate but nothing more.  

[chilling-seavey]

Passchendaele WW2 Extension - Who We Were and What We Are

T/W: Detailed descriptions of war violence, blood, injury, death, and physical and mental trauma

Mum & Dad,

The biggest day of our last four/five years is upon us this morning and in a few hours, we will decide the fate of Europe. I’ve been trying to tell myself it’s just another routine dogfight we’re flying into but I can’t help but feel sick with worry. This is the most important offensive of the whole war so far and we’re going in completely unprepared. At least, that’s how it feels. Am I even old enough for this? A mere twenty-six years old and I feel no older than I was when I left home…or left for my first day of kindergarten at that. I’ve grown a lot since I was last home and sometimes I wonder if you’d even still recognise me…I’m not the same timid teenager you kissed goodbye on our front porch all those years ago and, truthfully, I can hardly recognise myself sometimes. I like to hope that despite all the changes and the growing and the experiences, I’m still making you proud. Everything I do, I do for you.

I must say goodbye now. We’re due to the planes by 0530 and takeoff is at 0600. I will write you again as soon as we land. I hope I will at least be able to enjoy the sunrise this morning.

I love you to all the ends of the universe.

Your son,

Richie

June 6, 1944 – Outskirts of Bayeux, France, 0857hr

It was too quiet. The cruelest kind of cliché when Charlie fluttered his eyes open to the blue sky above him and nothing but silene surrounding him. Only when he concentrated could he hear the very faint sound of gunfire in the far distance. It was all too quiet. He took a second to process where he was and why he was sprawled out on a field in an unknown location but his questions were answered when he carefully pushed himself up into a sitting position and saw his plane mostly smashed to pieces and engulfed in flames a few metres away.

When his memory returned to him as to what had happened, Charlie’s eyes went wide and he looked around him, breathing out a rough, “Richie?”

There was just silence.

“Richard.” Charlie pushed himself to his feet and cried out in agony as his ankle was most definitely twisted and he stumbled a moment before catching his balance on his other foot. The blow of the engine and the impact of the crash had thrown him from the plane and he was lucky he didn’t suffer any worse damage.

But his own damage wasn’t what Charlie was worried about as he limped across the grass with his eyes scanning the surroundings for his missing best friend.

“Richie?” he called again. There was no answer. Charlie hobbled towards the wreck of the plane, only discovering the onset of searing pain on his arm and the burn that had ripped his uniform sleeve and stained his skin a blotchy angry red. The fire burned on, surprisingly having not taken most of the plane yet while the front half was destroyed to smithereens by the impact.

“Richard!” Charles called again, slightly louder with more desperation as he approached the plane.

There was an ever so faint call from the inside, “Charlie.”

Charles rushed over to the shattered glass windows of the cockpit to reveal his best friend still in his somewhat intact seat. Richard peered up at him behind tear filled tired blue-grey eyes, his hair still tucked under his helmet and drenched in sweat down to his uniform. He was sitting perfectly still, almost unmoving, and solely because a broken piece of the plane’s wing was impaled diagonally right through his middle; the streaks of white and black that were painted on the metal still visible. Richard was quite literally drenched in his own blood, his dark blue uniform stained almost black and the liquid glistened in the sun as it trickled down his front.

“Charlie.” Richard repeated shakily, his eyes brimming with frightened tears. “Charlie.”

“You’re fine, Richie.” Charlie spoke as strongly as he could possibly manage. He started to tug aside the broken pieces of metal that were making up the plane to find a way to let his best friend free. It was reasonably easy with how shattered the plane was by the impact and the sides fell away like there was nothing holding them together in the first place.

“You took so long to wake up, Charlie.” Richard breathed weakly. “I-I don’t know how long but…but it felt like ages.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Richie. I’m here now. We’re going to get you to the medic tent, okay? We’re going to see Frankie, okay?”

Richard’s nose scrunched up as he looked down at himself and his state, “She’ll be upset with me.” His small sob made him cry out in pain, “Ouch, Charlie, it hurts!”

Charles ignored the searing burning of hot metal on his hands as he managed to pick the rest of the plane apart to make room to help Richard out. He then reached into the cockpit slowly, carefully avoiding the shrapnel of metal sticking out of his best friend’s abdomen, and unbuckled his seatbelt. Richie winced as he maneuvered his arm out of the belt and Charlie tossed it aside before stepping closer and leaning in, “Okay, Richie, can you hold onto me?”

Richard weakly raised his hands up and draped them around Charlie’s shoulders, shrieking in agony as his movement only shifted the metal in his torso, “No! I can’t!”

Charlie tugged Richie out of the plane despite his loud cries in protest and with Charlie’s twisted ankle, they ended up just falling backwards onto the grass ungracefully anyway, both landing with a heavy thud. Richard groaned loudly in pain, smacking his best friend’s arm.

“Fuck you, you fucking bastard, it hurts!” Richard wailed, hot tears pouring down his face as his body ached in fresh agony, rolling onto his side slightly to take the pressure off the piece of metal that was lodged through his opposite hip, “Oh God!”

Charlie scrambled to his feet and took stand over him, holding out his hands to him and trying not to look at the steady flow of blood that was now staining the green grass, “Come on, Richie. Take my hands.”

Richard shut his eyes tightly and cried, his chest heaving with panicked and weak breathlessness, “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can! You need to, Richard Zachary Besson. Take my hands.”

Richie’s weeping was falling more into a soft whimpering, the pinks of his cheeks fading into a pale white, and his breathing was turning into shallow shuttering inhales. He was weak; and not in the term of lack of bravery but by the fact that he seemed to only have mere moments of life left in him.

“Charlie.”

His weak call seemed to be proof enough that they weren’t going to be going anywhere. Charlie dropped to his knees at his side against the grass and he pulled off his best friend’s suffocating helmet and tossed it out of the way to let the cool spring air ruffle through his sweaty brown hair. Charlie rested a hand against Richie’s cheek and set his two fingers gently under his ear to find his pulse. It was weak. Charlie swallowed back the lump growing in the back of his throat and he bowed his head a moment in the realization of the reality of their current situation.

“Charlie…” Richard breathed shakily, reading out for him and Charles took his hand in his lovingly, “tell my Dad I wasn’t scared.”

Charlie’s face scrunched up in his heartbreak, holding onto his best friend’s soft hand a little tighter and having to endure his last messages.

Richard stared up at him with tears trickling down his cheeks, “Christ...I am scared, Charlie. But…d-don’t tell him that, okay? Tell him I was brave f-for him...him and Mum.”

Charlie nodded.

Richie blinked slowly, his eyebrows furrowing and he stared up at Charlie curiously as if he had forgotten how they had gotten there. Charlie wanted to say something – anything – to somehow console his dying best friend, but it was as if he had forgotten how to speak, his brain almost refusing to let him say anything as if one word would solidify the fact that he was losing him. Richard glanced down at his blood-soaked body with the shard of metal sticking up through the bottom right side of his stomach.

“Oh Christ…that’s not good.” Richard breathed, letting his head fall gently back against the grass. “Oh, God, please help me.” 

Charlie reached into the front pocket of Richie’s uniform and pulled out his own family photograph he always kept in there. He held it up to him so he could see it from where he laid on the grass.

Richard smiled weakly, his eyes getting heavy and he reached his other hand that wasn’t holding Charlie’s up to take the small photograph from him. He stared at it a moment, running his blood stained thumb over the faces of his family; his sister, his mother, and then his father, lingering on the last for a moment. His heart was working overtime to try and keep him alive but the lack of oxygen to his brain was getting him weaker and weaker until he was almost in a daze-like state. He looked younger like that.

Richie let a small smile tug at the corner of his dry mouth as he stared at his picture and mumbled out, “That’s my Daddy.”

“Yeah.” Charlie whispered, swallowing back the break in his voice. “They love you so much. More than anything in the whole universe. Can you feel it?”

Richard nodded slightly, setting the photograph against his shuttering chest. He licked his pale lips weakly and his eyebrows furrowed a moment against the throbbing pain that was radiating through his body, “I’m sleepy, Charlie.”

“I know. I’m right here.” Charles whimpered lightly, running his thumb over his best friend’s knuckles. They boys stared at each other a moment, blue eyes locked through their different shades, the eyes they were most familiar with, especially in the past four years. Richard blinked slowly up at his best friend and Charlie took a soft inhale before speaking strongly, “I love you, Richie.”

Richard couldn’t manage a smile in his state as he breathed out a quiet, “I love you, Charlie.” and then his eyes fell closed as if he simply drifted to sleep.

Charles bit his lip hard and leaned down to press a soft kiss to Richie’s pale forehead, “Tell Uncle Christian I said hello…he’s gonna take such good care of you.”

He sat there for a moment, unmoving, in lonely silence that settled heavy on his heart. It was the first time in years that he had ever been alone. The silence pounded in his head. Charlie took a shuttering inhale and looked around at his surroundings from the destroyed plane to the farmland that stretched for miles and the dirt road that ran left to right a few yards away from the field they were in. The movement of Richie’s limp hand slipping out of Charlie’s light grasp brought his attention back to him and Charlie clenched his jaw to try and keep his composure as he slumped from his knees onto his bum on the blood-soaked grass.

He stared at the lifeless body of his best friend, the one he grew up with and went through life with, and he couldn’t hold in the blubbery sob that fell from his lips. Charlie couldn’t think of anything but the terrible pain in his heart as he let himself cry bravely in the empty fields of German controlled France. He was surrounded by the enemy but that was the last worry on his mind. The guilt almost overpowered the sadness, floods of pointing fingers filled his mind: ‘if I had just turned earlier’ ‘if I had just helped him out of his belt before we crashed’ ‘if I just got to him sooner’.

Each regretful thought made the pain worse until Charlie was truly wailing uncontrollably, not even trying to stay quiet as hot tears poured down his face and his breath fell rapid until he was getting lightheaded. His right hand clung onto Richie’s desperately as if he was trying to cry the life back into him, but it was truly no use.

The sound of a truck engine approaching from the distance didn’t process in Charlie’s mind as he was too hung up on his sorrow and his grief to notice. The sounds of his crying led the vehicle to the opening of the farm field he had crashed in, the men inside the bed of the truck with rifles at the ready in case it was the enemy they came across. Thankfully for Charlie, the truck belonged to the American paratroopers that had dropped behind the German lines in the middle of the night, and with one glance to the intact tail-end of the British Spitfire and the young man in the Allied uniform, the men lowered their weapons.

One of the officers jumped out of the truck and headed over to aide Charlie, draping his rifle over his shoulder. Charlie looked up at him as he approached but didn’t even make an effort to stop crying; he simply sat there like a punished little boy and sobbed himself dizzy under the concerned stare of the older American man. The surname Lewis was embordered on the breast of his green uniform and his blue eyes were furrowed in concern, blonde hair still surprisingly neat under his cap, and he crouched down on the other side of Richie’s body to reach a hand out to Charlie’s shoulder.

He glanced at Charlie’s own nametag before looking the young man in his eyes, “Seavey, is it? You’re going to have to try and calm down a little…the Germans have us surrounded right now and it’s not safe for you to be wailing like this, you understand me?”

Charlie only cried on as if he couldn’t even hear what the man was saying. It felt like he could only concentrate on the ringing in his ears and his own rapid heartbeat and could barely clue into the faded mumbling of the strange officer in front of him. He just clung tighter onto Richie’s cold hand and lifted their held hands together in front of his face to give himself some sort of privacy to cry.

“We’re headed towards the Allied station now. Come along with us and we can get you set up in the nurses’ tent to make sure you’re not injured.” Sergeant Lewis offered.

“I-I’m not leaving him.” Charlie finally quieted down enough to speak, his voice wavering greatly, and he clutched tighter onto Richie’s hand.

“You’ve got to now, buddy. He’s gone.”

“No.” Charlie said through his teeth, grabbing the front of Richie’s blood-soaked uniform as he hiccupped lightly. “I’m not leaving him.”

The Sergeant glanced back to his truckful of men and waved some of them over to help get Charlie up. A couple soldiers came across the grass and stepped carefully around the body to help lift Charlie to his feet.

“No!” Charlie shouted, yanking his arms away from them and threw himself across Richard’s still chest, wrapping his arms around him tightly, “I’m not leaving him!”

The Americans tried to reason with him and get him to quiet down but Charlie just sobbed on, shaking uncontrollably as he tried to shove their hands off him.

“Come on, Seavey. Don’t make this harder on yourself or on us.” the Sergeant said as kindly as he could.

Two of the men wrapped their arms around Charlie’s middle and started to physically lift him off the ground.

“No! Richie! That’s my brother! That’s my brother!” Charlie shrieked as loud as he possibly could, his voice cracking through his sobs as he flailed in their grasp, reaching desperately out to the body at their feet as his voice echoed across the fields surrounding them. “I’m not leaving my brother!”

“Okay, alright, okay, we’ll take him with us.” Sergeant Lewis sighed, waving over a few more men to help them. Charlie quieted down as he watched two of the American Paratroopers lift Richard’s body from the grass, the photograph falling from where it had rested against his chest and Charlie dropped quickly to retrieve it. He limped quickly towards the truck after the other men, now voluntarily.

The Americans shifted around in the bed of the truck, giving Charlie a place to sit by the end of the bench and the body was passed up into his arms. Charlie felt like he was dreaming; some sort of strange out of body experience where nothing he looked at or touched felt real, barely even comprehending the tears on his cheeks that trickled down his neck or the blood that stained his hands and his uniform, only drenching him more as he held Richie close and tucked his photograph back into his pocket.

The other men in the truck stared silently at the young Brit, pitifully, worriedly, but unspeaking as they knew in each of their own ways what Charlie was feeling. Similarly, but not the same. 

The truck lurched as they continued down the dirt path towards the newly liberated city of Bayeux, and Charlie breathed as he watched the calm farmland pass by them and clutched his brother’s body in his arms.

Taglist: @randomlimelightxxx​ @hopinglimelight​ @jonahlovescoffee​ @hiya-its-amber​ @chanelwonders​

[maggic-wintcrss]

MAGNOLIA MARIE WINTERS // intro ;

is that CANDICE ACCOLA KING ?  no, that’s just MAGNOLIA MARIE WINTERS  SHE is TWENTY  EIGHT  years old and is an EVENT PLANNER AND CO-OWNER AT PETAL BY PETAL.  rumor has it they’ve been in town for  FOURTEEN  YEARS  on a good day, they’re  KIND  & HELPFUL. but watch out !  they can also be  FORGETFUL  &  SHY.  [ TO BUILD A HOME BY CINEMATIC ORCHESTRA ] plays in my head whenever i think of them.  can’t wait to see them around springhill !   

@shstarters 

( trigger warnings: car accident, ptsd, memory loss, death )

Magnolia Marie Winters was born on October 14th, 1992 to Heather and Charles Winters. They were both Springhill born and raised high school sweethearts. Heather was a lovely middle school teacher turned army wife, and Charles served the US Army pretty much all of this adult life, making Maggie an army brat. 

Maggie lived in various places, moving every so often. She’s lived in , Spain, Germany, the US, Japan, Italy and Belgium. She can speak a few words in different languages, but can’t remember much now. She had a pleasant childhood and made friends easily with most of the other army kids. Her mom homeschooled her wherever they went, but she did attend a few local schools too. 

Her favourite person in the world (besides her dad) is her father’s best friend and second in command’s child, Adam. They grew up together being only kids and had each other’s back. They moved pretty much to the same places, therefore they shared lots of memories. Even though she will deny it, they both kind of always had chrushes on each other.

 Mags was 100% a daddy’s girl. She loves her mum to pieces but the only person who would understand her was her dad. They had this instant connection from the moment she was born, and they did pretty much everything together (while her dad wasn’t on duty ofc) from dressing up and tea parties to playing soccer and climbing trees. He was the only one who knew her for who she is and who she trusted and confided in the most. 

When Maggie was 14 years old and they were living in New Jersey, both her parents and her were involved in a car crash while travelling to Springhill for the holidays. Unfortunately, Maggie was the only one to make it out alive, though she sustained several injuries and had to be rushed into surgery at Springhill General. Her most serious injury was a blow to her head which damaged part of her frontal lobe and caused her to suffer from short-term memory loss, added to the PTSD.  

After her parents’ death, Maggie moved in with her dad’s twin sister and owner of Petal by Petal, Florence Winters. She was under her Aunt’s custody until she turned of legal age and decided to stay with her ever since. Aunt Florence helped Mags with all of her recovery and most importantly, with creating several systems so as to aid Maggie’s unstable memory. It’s been years of medical check ups and therapy and it’s safe to say that Maggie’s memory loss is pretty much under control, though she still has her ups and downs. 

Her parents’ memorial was held in Springhill and pretty much everyone went because they had been born and raised there. A lof of the town people know Maggie since birth and are glad that she has decided to stay after the accident. This makes her a bit well known around the townsfolk, especially because most of them know her story. People are usually more patient with her whenever she’s having some of her off-days. Still, she loves everyone in town and is grateful for their help during her recovery. 

Because her aunt owns the flower shop, Maggie also works and helps her as an event planner. It’s been a huge help to her memory systems and is always glued to her phone, either checking her calendar, writing down memos or texting. Maggie’s phone and physical journal are her life’s worth of memories and to-do lists. She can’t leave the house without either of them. She’s a bit of a perfectionist and control-freak, she needs things to go smoothly because when things go her way, that’s a sign that she hasn’t forgotten anything. 

As her writer, I would describe Maggie as very kind, compassionate, humble and friendly. She’s ditzy, sometimes clumsy and of course, at often times, forgetful, but she does everything with a lot of passion and with everyone’s best interests at heart. She’s also a bit shy and doesn’t really like talking about her feelings or the night of the accident because even though she can’t remember much of the night, deep down she feels as if she were to blame. He feelings of guilt and anguish come and go but I would say that she’s very cheerful and optimistic most times. She’s such a cinnamon roll and I am super excited to see where her stay at Springhill gets her. 

[chuffyfan87]

What We Want. Part 2.

Josh looked at his watch once again. 10.45. He was sure that Charlie had said they'd meet him by the fountain at 10.20am. It wasn't like Charlie to be late. Duffy certainly but not Charlie. He'd been mildly surprised when he'd received the call the previous evening inviting him to join them for an early lunch the following day. Usually when the three of them met up it was in the evening down the pub. Going for lunch with them was a little more awkward, it made him feel very much like the third wheel. Though if he was entirely honest he'd always felt a little like that around them, not because of anything they'd consciously done, not at all, it's just that you'd have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to realise how obviously into each other the pair of them were and had been for years.

He took another look up the street to see if he could spot them in the crowd that was milling around. It was surprisingly busy given how cold it was. Josh noticed a young man with a familar looking face appear in the crowd and head towards the fountain, lighting up a cigarette as he did so. It took Josh a few moments to place why he recognised the young man, suddenly seeing glimmers of the teenaged boy he'd last seen roughly fifteen years previously.

"Peter? Long time, no see! How are you?" He asked.

Peter looked up at the sound of his name being spoken. Realising who was in front of him he smiled.

"Oh hi Josh. I'm well thanks. You? Mum mentioned you were back in Holby." He held out his hand towards the older man.

Josh chuckled silently as he shook Peter's hand, remembering the first time the younger man had greeted him like that when he was just a small boy. He'd taken on the mantel of man of the house from an early age.

"I'm very well, thank you. I hear congratulations are in order. A wife and a daughter. Are you meeting them here?"

"No, Katie's got a bit of a sniffle so Tanya's kept her at home. I've come into town to meet my mum." Peter explained.

"I hope she feels better soon. Oh, I thought your mum was joining me and Charlie for lunch today." Josh shrugged. "I must have misunderstood."

"It was quite the last minute thing, she only called last night to arrange it."

Josh raised an eyebrow at Peter's reply. He was beginning to get the distinct impression that his long time friends were up to something. Before he had chance to press Peter further, however, Charlie and Duffy appeared from the crowd and crossed to join them, the latter looking quite flustered.

"Sorry we're late. Blame Duffy, she turfed me out the house so I couldn't see what she's wearing and then took forever to get ready." Charlie explained, eliciting an eye roll in response from his fiancée.

"Its tradition Charlie!" Duffy countered, frustration colouring her tone.

"Doesn't mean you had to leave me standing outside in the cold for 45 minutes. Tradition or no tradition that was mean!" He complained.

"It was your decision to stand in the garden. All I said was that you weren't allowed upstairs or in the hallway until I had my coat on. You could have stayed in the kitchen or lounge." She pointed out.

Quickly realising that the pair of them were so caught up in their bickering that they had forgotten where they were and that they had company Josh loudly cleared his throat to get their attention.

"Fun as it is to watch Duffy once again kick the verbal daylights out of you Charlie, I think you owe us an explanation as to what the hell is going on."

"Um... Well..." Charlie stammered, looking over to Duffy for help but all she did was gesture that it was his idea so he could explain. "We were kind of hoping that the two of you would, um, do us a favour..."

"What kind of favour?" Josh questioned, becoming increasingly suspicious when Charlie didn't continue.

Charlie glanced at Peter but the younger man was too busy intently studying his mother's face for the slightest reaction.

"Well, we're in need of two witnesses..." Charlie explained.

Josh smothered a laugh in reaction as Peter finally broke his silence.

"Are you being serious? Mum! I thought you weren't getting married until the summer. You've barely just..." He cut the words off abruptly, swiftly changing tact. "Why the rush all of a sudden? What's changed?"

Duffy sighed. She'd worried that Peter would react this way once he found out the true reason she'd arranged to meet up with him today but when she and Charlie had discussed who they wanted to be their witnesses she had no hesitation in insisting her eldest son be there to see her marry the love of her life. The man she should have married a long time ago.

"We simply realised that this is what we want Peter. We've waited long enough." She explained, her hand unconsciously slipping into Charlie's as she did so.

The chime of the nearby church bells made them all jump.

"We'd best hurry up, the registrar is expecting us there in 5 minutes!" Charlie reminded Duffy.

Luckily the registry office was only around the corner from the fountain so they made it just in time.

Walking up to the desk they presented their passports to the receptionist.

"Charles Fairhead and Lisa Duffin. We're here to get married." Charlie explained.

The receptionist checked the computer and their ID before handing them back.

"Ah yes, here you are." She glanced at her watch. "You're cutting it a bit fine. Take a seat, the registrar will be out shortly." She explained, gesturing to some chairs along the side of the wall.

The quartet barely had time to get themselves comfortable before the registrar appeared. She quickly took them through the formalities before inviting them to come through into the ceremony room.

"Would it be OK if I just had a quick minute to finish getting ready?" Seeing the registrar nod she continued. "You and Josh go in, I won't be long." She told Charlie.

"So long as you don't have a sudden change of heart." Charlie joked, though there was a slight edge of tension in his voice.

Duffy caught his eye and held his gaze for a moment. "I would never do that." She whispered, leaning forward to give him a gentle kiss.

Satisfied by her answer Charlie and Josh followed the registrar through the door and closed it behind them.

Peter watched as Duffy quickly checked her hair and make up. He chewed his lip awkwardly.

"Mum..." He began hesitantly.

Duffy tilted her head to look at Peter. "Mmm hmm?" She smiled at him as she finished reapplying her lipstick.

"Are you sure about this? Don't you think you might be rushing things?"

Duffy couldn't help but giggle. "I've known Charlie for over 30 years. I'd hardly call that rushing things!"

"You know what I mean. I just don't want to see you get hurt. Not again."

Turning to face him fully Duffy drew her son into a hug before pulling back to catch his gaze. "I know you've watched me get hurt more times than I'd like but this is Charlie. We both know he'd never hurt me. I love him and he loves me. This is what we both want. I need you to be OK with this. I can't go through with it knowing you're unhappy." She explained.

Peter smiled at the way his mother's eyes lit up as she spoke. Other than when she was with him, his daughter or his brothers the only time he'd seen her eyes so alive was when she was with Charlie. Despite still having a few lingering reservations about his mother's impulsive nature he didn't have the heart to put a stop to proceedings. She was right, Charlie would never hurt her, it was clear to see how much he adored her.

"If you're happy then I'm happy mum." He told her.

"Thank you. Now we best not keep them waiting any longer." Duffy replied as she unbuttoned and removed her coat, placing it on the chair. She turned back to Peter, nervously smoothing down her clothes. "Do I look OK?" She asked.

"You look beautiful." Peter replied, placing a kiss on her cheek before offering her his arm to link hers through.

Josh chuckled as he watched Charlie not so subtly glance over at the door for the third time since they'd entered the room barely a minute or so earlier.

"So why the shotgun wedding mate? You've not got her pregnant have you?" Josh joked.

"Oh ha ha!" Charlie replied sarcastically before he once more looked over towards the door, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

"You're actually really nervous aren't you?" Josh asked, his tone instantly softening. When Charlie didn't offer a reply he continued. "Your neck. You only rub your neck like that when you're stressed or nervous about something."

"Or when I've got a sore neck." Charlie countered.

"How on earth did you manage that?" Josh queried.

"The sofa isn't exactly the most comfortable place to sleep." Charlie explained.

"You slept on the sofa last night? What did you do to upset her?"

"Well... I... Um..." Charlie mumbled awkwardly. He glanced up to meet Josh's expectant look. "Oh alright. She said we weren't allowed to have sex last night and I tried to change her mind. She got cross and told me I had to sleep downstairs if I couldn't keep my hands to myself." He glared as Josh burst out laughing.

"You couldn't manage one night's abstinence? Seriously, how the hell have you two not self combusted over the years?"

"Well, it's a bit different now she's within arm's reach every night." Charlie shrugged. Hearing the door begin to open behind them he added "Not a word!" in a whisper.

Josh chuckled before miming zipping his mouth shut on seeing Charlie's glare. He patted his friend's shoulder encouragingly.

Charlie took a deep breath and focused his gaze on the wall in front of him. The temptation to sneak a glance behind him at his bride was almost too much. Suddenly an anxious thought hit him and he quickly rummaged in his trouser pocket, breathing a sigh of relief as he pulled out the two rings they'd bought at the same time he'd chosen her engagement ring. He handed them to Josh before nodding to the registrar that he was ready to begin.

[calwh7]

Written in my blood: Chapter 3

It’s not letting me post long posts! This is meant to be Chapter 2 so just roll with it.

—————————————————/————

“Now as I just mentioned I’m a hitman, a very famous and very dangerous one. Tell me, have you heard of Charles Constantine?” Oliver looks me dead in the eye.

“You. A hitman? No. You’re not. Stop playing games. Why are you dressed like that? What’s happening?”

“Oh my god. Look, I’m your sister Charlie Goldstein. I was kidnapped sixteen years ago by a criminal syndicate that trains kids from a young age to kill. We are eventually released into the world as assassins or hitmen. I chose to be a hitman and the syndicate re named me Charles Constantine. I’m known as one of the worlds most powerful, brutal and dangerous hitmen. I have been trying for four years to get back to this life but I’ve been busy tying loose ends and ending connections that could get this whole family killed if I come back too early. Now, I need your help with something” I finished with a forced smile.

“....Okay. I don’t believe you, but you look like her. You’ve got her eyes, and her hair colour” He slowly blinks back at me trying to process the information.

“Well I really hope I do or else I must have someone else’s memories. I need you to inform Dad that he’s going to be killed soon”

“KILLED?! He’s gonna be killed by you?! No! What are you doing!”

“If you don’t shut up you’ll attract attention and we both know what will happen” I say as I inspect my switchblade. Oliver gulps.

“I don’t like these death threats. Please elaborate on that thing with Dad being killed”

“We both know about the war with Hinomoto and it seems Azusa Kuze put out an open contract for his head, as well as four others. You can’t stop me from taking those other ones, but if you tell anybody then I’ll most likely kill you. Don’t want to but that’s just business. I have been given the chance to complete this contract before my friends get to hear about it, you’re very lucky I accepted it. Now that I’ve signed it no other hitman can kill this group for a month, or if I get killed or give up within that time period. I took the contract so I can protect Dad, if any other hitman were to sign that contract before me, he’d be dead within three months. I know what my competitors are like” I eyed him up making sure he understood what I was talking about.

“Whew, Okay. This is a lot. So we need to tell Dad, and I’m sorry but we have to tell them that you’re alive. They don’t need to meet you or see you, but you’re disappearance has affected them so much you won’t believe it. And can’t you kill Kuze, who’s side are you on?” He stared back at me.

“I’m on no ones side, I’m not allowed to be. It’s in the job description. I kill for money, whomever it may be. Wether it political, passion or taking down a whole mafia, if the price is right I’ll kill for them. It’s dirty work. And no, you will not inform them that I’m alive. You can inform Dad about his situation though. And if he asks where you got the information, then simply tell him you got it from yours truly, Charles Constantine”

“Fine. Give me some time to process this and I’ll pass the information onto Dad. I’m glad your alive Charlie, but can I ask a lot of questions?”

“Go ahead” I lean back into the couch as he starts.

“Why all those tattoos?”

“Haven’t always been a hitman, joined a mafia when I was sixteen. I also get them for my own enjoyment” I shrug my shoulders in discontent.

“Okay, maybe I don’t want to know about your jobs. I just want you to know that me, Dad and Mum miss you and love you very much”

“Yea ok, thanks. Want to inform me about that kid? Akira I think? In fact inform me on everything” I ask.

“Well, six months after you disappeared Mum had Akira. Dads always been looking for you ever since, he’s kinda gone a bit kooky. He grew a moustache seven years ago. Mums always sad around your birthday and the date of your disappearance. She’s gotten better over the years, accepted that you were gone. Akira doesn’t know about you and Samuel can’t remember” Oliver looked down at the ground solemnly.

“That’s okay. You are the only one who knows who I am, what I am and why I’m here. Keep it that way. On a side note, how’s Mum been doing besides being sad on my birthday?” I curiously ask.

“Mum wasn’t the best for a while, took her a few years to get used to you being gone. She’s alright now, but we’re careful not to mention you around her, makes her upset. She really misses you. The party is about to start soon, sure you don’t want to join us? I could introduce you as someone else” Oliver seemed hopeful that I would accept his request.

“I can’t. I need to survey this area, I heard that a man I’m looking for is here right now. I’m just warning you again, but if you interfere you know what I’ll do” I smirked in his direction and left swiftly. I could hear his slight protest as I closed the door behind me.

*

It had been half an hour after the ball had started, just enough time for me to evaluate the situation and estimate how many people there are in the ballroom. Eight hundred and seventy three. From my discreet perch on top of the glass roof I could see Solomon Byrd directly beneath me. He was talking to a small group of woman in lavish ballgowns. He nodded to the group and made his way to the exit. Perfect, he needs the shitter. My plan had worked out fine, lace his beverage with a special drug and wait for the right moment. This is the kinda drug that’ll get you puking, I think it also causes hallucinations but whatever as long as he gets out this room.

I slide down a glass panel and climb my way to a first floor window where I can safely enter without being seen. I enter the male bathroom and hear Solomon puking in a cubical. Why the hell does this castle have public toilets? They’re honestly that popular that they need to put in a whole bathroom with multiple toilets for these accessions. Damn rich people. He finally flushes and washes his hands near enough to where I’m washing mine.

I finish drying my hands and casually start to walk to the exit. Once I was near enough to his back I grab his neck and head and start smashing it against the ceramic sink. His shrill cries of pain echo through the bathroom as I continuously smash his face in. The tap comes off of the pipe and water gushed everywhere, spreading the thick blood all over the soaked floor. After a few attempts at head banging I successfully kill Solomon and leave him and the smashed sink in the bathroom. It was sure a disgusting sight for I had completely caved in half of his head and blood, fragmented bits of skull and other parts were drifting along the bathroom floor as it really started to flood.

My plan was to leave the body to be discovered so Dad would really believe that someone was after him and it would also make my job a little bit more fun since the men must know I might come for them.

I shove my sunglasses back on and exit the castle without being seen. I stole a horse from a carriage and rode back to my house. No one will know that Charlie Goldstein just killed a man until they find the body. They probably found it about ten minutes after I killed him given the bathroom flood. They must be going frantic. There’s a killer on the loose! No, just your local hitman trying to do her job.

I drop the horse a mile from my house and walk the rest. My best friend Nitia greets me when I walk into the kitchen, she’s the one who was looking after Jason.

“Hope you didn’t have too much fun whilst I was gone” I grinned at her whilst helping myself to an apple.

“I was just playing with his mind for a little bit. I’ll wipe his memory before we release him” Nitia was very good at magic, probably one of the most skilled Wizardess’ in Gedonelune.

“Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow” I waved goodbye to her as she left for the night. I do the same and retire to my bed thinking about my family and the night I’ve just had.

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

I saw the last name Knox among your OC's and I want fluff. A happy Knox family and Ronnie still alive. (redeeming for my super-angsty request from the last time)

LISTEN in this house you never have to redeem for angst because I love writing it, lol.

But! Fluffy Knox family!!!

It’sa good thing that Lily hasn’t actually started washing clothes yet,otherwise she probably would have been toppled into the river whenher son tackled her from behind, laughing.

“RonaldKnox! What on God’s green Earth are you doing?!” Her voice isloud and borders on irritated, but there’s a smile on her face asshe collapses to the ground with him. “Honestly! What’s gotteninto you, boy?”

Ronaldis laughing when he spreads out on the grass next to his mother. Ittakes him a moment to collect himself enough so that he’s even ableto explain himself. “I’m sorry, Mum! I’m just really happy!”

Lilymanages to push herself up into a sitting position despite her heavylayers of clothing. Ah, there he is… when she looks down at him,she sees the same little boy who flung himself at his parents when hewas young because he wanted to play or he wanted a story. He’s ayoung man now, and thank goodness the world hasn’t changed him.“Alright, darling,” she chuckles, patting at his hair. “TellMummy all about it.”

“Muuuuum!”He grins at her despite the whining. This really is something he’sproud about, whatever it is. “You hafta guess first.”

Asigh leaves her lips, still smiling as she runs her fingers throughhis hair. “Well, let’s see… you’ve got a girl?”

“Noooooo.Good guess! Keep goin’.”

It’sa miracle that her eyes don’t roll right out of her head. She’sused to his attitude by now, though, and happy to humor her son.“Huhm… you’ve made a new friend?”

That’sthe kind of thing he knows she only guesses because his gregariousnature hasn’t changed since he was a child. One of the things thatmakes him happier than anything is to have friends. His face lightsup just at the prospect, but he shakes his head. “No, no! That wasa better guess, though. C’mon, I’ll give you one more before Ijust tell you, so make it count!”

Lilythrows her hands up into the air. “Would you just tell me already,Ronnie? I don’t have any more guesses!”

“Fine,fine! Mum…!” That grin of his shines brighter than any star Lilyhas ever seen. “… I’ve gotten a job!”

Hereyes widen, and she moves to get to her feet, nearly falling to oneside thanks to her clothing. “Ronald!! You’ve – oh, goodLord! Why didn’t you even tell me you were going out for a job?!This is wonderful!”

“What’swonderful?” And evidently, Charles has just arrived home from workhimself, joining his wife and son down in the grass. Although he’sstill dressed for his job, he doesn’t care so much about gettingdirty and grass-stained. He smiles, and Ronald is reminded exactlywhere he gets his grin from. “What? I hear ‘wonderful’, ‘n’suddenly nobody’s got news?”

Alaugh makes Lily’s shoulders shake as she pulls Ronald up into anembrace. “Your son has just got himself a job, Charles!”

There’sthat smile that Knox men are famous for, again. “Well, that iswonderful!” he exclaims, clapping Ronald on the back. “Barelyeighteen and already you’ll be a working man! Good on you, boy.”

“Oh,”Lily gasps, “you’ve not even told me what job it is! Ronald! Whatare you going to be doing?”

“I’mgoing to love it, I just know,” Ronald laughs. “I’ll be workingat the tavern, serving drinks and food.”

Hisparents exchange a look between each other, and Charles nodsapprovingly. “Oh, you’ll definitely love it. I used to work therewhen I was about your age. Good for just startin’ out in theworking world.”

“Sure…”Ronald flops back onto the grass again, his smile never fading. “Whoknows? Maybe it’s somethin’ I’ll wanna do for the rest of mylife. We’ll see. I’m really excited! I start on Wednesday!”

Lilylifts her skirts and decides to just leave her child where he is fornow. Seems like he’ll be basking in the glow of his good news for awhile. “I’m so happy for you, Ronald.”

“Soam I, son.” Charles ruffles Ronald’s hair as he gets up himself.“Take it easy and get yourself prepared for then, alright?”

Ronaldnods eagerly, closing his eyes to try and relax. He’s so excited,he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to calm down for hours.This is the best day of his life, and even better because his parentsare happy, too.

[johnabradley]

HRH Prince William: BY ALASTAIR CAMPBELL

For years, Prince William found himself in a state of shock, unable to deal with the tragic death of his mother Princess Diana. As the nation wept that summer in 1997, in private William couldn’t allow himself to grieve. Quite simply, aged 15, he locked his emotions away, burying them beneath routine and a most dutiful, demanding public life. Until now. Recently, William has started talking about his loss, opening up and admitting his struggle and its effects - now he is passionately calling for all men to follow his example through his mental health campaign, Heads Together. In what is undoubtedly the most candid interview he has ever given, the 34-year-old future King talks exclusively to GQ about his mother’s death, his relationship with the media, his work, his family and how he is determined to lead by example. Oh, that my mother was alive to see me now, walking into Kensington Palace on a sunny spring day, to take tea with the future King William. Born in the same year as the Queen, 1926, and given the same Christian name, Elizabeth, my mother “Betty” was a fervent monarchist; indeed one of my earliest political memories is of the row provoked when, about half a century ago, I refused to listen to the Queen’s Christmas Day message. She and I also used to argue about Prince William’s parents as the disintegration of their marriage provoked a bitter propaganda war between them and their supporters. Once I got to know Princess Diana, in a series of extraordinary meetings (see my diaries, volume one) before Labour won power in 1997, despite the nasty columns I used to write about her as a journalist, I became something of a fan. I was smitten indeed, and so took her side in the Charles-Diana rows taking place in homes up and down the country. My mother was more for Charles, seeing as how he was going to be the next king. It is not a conversion from republicanism that has sparked this meeting with the Prince - though “President Trump” would challenge anyone’s faith in an elected head of state - but a common cause, namely the desire to eradicate the stigma and taboo surrounding mental illness. Prince William, his wife Catherine and his brother Harry, have chosen mental health as their main cause, and their Heads Together campaign has been successfully promoting the importance of being as open about our mental health as we are about our physical health. When they started off down this path, the republican in me was annoyed they could get so much traction for anything they did; but the Time To Change mental health campaigner was overjoyed. They have overseen the making of a series of short films showing the importance of talking about mental health problems rather than bottling them up. To my surprise, I was asked to take part in a film, talking with my partner Fiona about how my mental health troubles impact on us. Then, even more surprisingly, given how few extended interviews he gives, he agreed to be interviewed for GQ. I had met him a few times, on the British and Irish Lions rugby tour of New Zealand in 2005, for example, and more recently at a dinner where I asked him whether he would follow the lead of his grandmother when he became king, by never giving an interview as monarch. Here, I was keen to test two things in particular. One was whether his commitment to this cause was real and whether he had a proper understanding of the issues. You can make up your own mind on that, but after an hour and a half at the palace, mine was made up in his favour. Secondly, I wanted to see how close to the public persona the more private man in his own habitat might be. Would he speak with the same stilted style that seems to characterise his public speaking? He didn’t. Would he have a sense of humour? He did. Would he stand on ceremony? He didn’t. Was there any real passion behind the shy exterior? There was. Indeed, were she still here, I would have called my mum and told her, “Good news - I liked him.”

What son doesn’t miss his mother when she’s gone? As you shall see, almost 20 years on from that car crash in Paris, Prince William clearly misses Princess Diana intensely, saying it is only now he feels able properly to talk about her death, the extraordinary week that followed it, and the enormous impact it had on him and his brother. He doesn’t believe she had mental health problems, and nor does he think that he does. But the trauma he suffered losing her so young, and in such awful circumstances, partly explains why he is determined to get the nation talking more about our emotions, not least because, in life and death, his mother changed the way we express them.

AC: So what’s a nice future king like you doing with an old leftie republican like me?

PW: That’s a very good question Alastair [laughs]. To be honest, I really don’t care where people come from, I like meeting and talking to people from all backgrounds. And this is a good opportunity to talk about something that is very close to your heart, and very close to mine.

AC: And why is mental health so close to yours?

PW: Practically everything in my charitable life, in the end, is to do with mental health, whether it be homelessness, veterans’ welfare, my wife and the work she is doing on addiction; so much of what we do comes back to mental health. Also, if I think about my current job as a helicopter pilot with the air ambulance service in East Anglia, my first job there was a suicide and it really affected me. I have been to a number of suicides, self harms, overdoses.

AC: In what way did it affect you?

PW: Not just the person who lost their life, but the people they leave behind. One of the stats I was given was that, just in the area we cover in the east of England - my base is in Cambridge - there are five attempted suicides every day. Yet suicide is still not talked about. So people have the pain of loss, but also the stigma and taboo means they are sometimes ashamed even to talk about how a lover, a partner, a brother, a sister, a best friend, how they died. That stat - five attempted suicides in the East Anglia region alone - it blew my mind, I thought, “Oh my God, this is such a big issue.”

AC: I am a patron of the Maytree suicide sanctuary in north London, and you and your wife made a private visit there. What impact did that have?

PW: The thing that made an impression on me, it wasn’t just the feelings of the people, the pain they were going through and the care for them, it was that this is the only place of its kind in the UK. It may be the only one in the whole of Europe, and I thought, this is terrifying, it really is, there should be more places like this, where people can go when they’re desperate. I have spoken to suicide groups and having been through personal grief myself, I had an inkling of what to expect, but it was all so raw. When someone does end their own life, [there are] so many questions, people feeling guilty, why didn’t we see it, why didn’t we do more, and all surrounded by this massive taboo. I found it eye opening, so revealing as to what goes on in people’s minds.

AC: When you land in your air ambulance and you get out, what on earth do they say when they see you?

PW: We are only likely to be there if people are in deep trauma or unconscious.

AC: But the other people there?

PW: We are often the first on the scene. Also, I do hang back a little. We land, we secure the scene, I will be sorting the comms for the next flight, and then I might be running around helping with equipment and so on.

AC: Nobody ever has to explain, say, “Sorry, don’t worry about him”?

PW: Most people seem to guess, but I do keep as far back as I can and let the team do what they have to do. I maybe carry the stretcher, carry the kit, sort the comms for the next leg. It is all very fast paced.

AC: Why do the three of you work together on Heads Together?

PW: It is a bit of an experiment really. The Royal Family has not normally done this, three members of the family pulling together to focus on one thing. Normally things are quite disjointed, we follow our own interests and see where it goes, but we thought, well, if we tied it together and had a focused approach, how would that work? We wanted to see the impact we could have.

AC: You must get bombarded with approaches and requests? How do you decide what causes and events to support? Do you try to be strategic about it?

PW: Focused rather than strategic, I would say. When I settle on something, I want to dig deep, I want to understand what I am involved in, I want to understand the complexities of all the issues and, above all, I want to make an impact.

AC: Do you not get frustrated, though? Of course, there are advantages to your position but there are limitations too, because you cannot stray into politics. So you can’t do what I do and bang the drum for more resources and more action from government. Is that not really frustrating?

PW: It can be frustrating at times. I watch the political world, I am interested in it, at times I feel there are things going on I could really help with, but you have to understand where you sit and what the limits are; and with regard to what we do in our charity work, I like to think you can do just as much good but in a different direction.

AC: It’s great you guys are getting involved in mental health. Generally, my worry, though, is there is a danger that making improvements on stigma and taboos is seen as a substitute for services, not an accompaniment. Presumably you saying something like that goes beyond acceptable limits?

PW: No, not at all. I can say that. If I attack government policy, no, I can’t, but I can certainly make that kind of point. What we can do is convene, bring people together, organise private meetings, get experts in one room who might otherwise not always meet, they tend not to refuse an invitation, and we can thrash things out.

AC: Is it very much Harry on veterans, Kate on addiction and young women, you on men in general?

PW: A little bit. Harry has the Invictus Games and focuses a lot on veterans. But we are not stuck in our boxes. We are all three of us trying to understand the tentacles of mental health, which go everywhere. I do think if you are focused about general aims you can have a much greater impact. So we do try to stay focused, not splurge around.

AC: Are you in the mental health space for the long haul?

PW: Medium to long term, definitely. What we would love to do is smash the taboo. Getting the London Marathon as the mental health marathon, that was a big thing, and I hope we are reaching a tipping point. But it is a bit like wading through treacle. It is tough. We are now looking at a legacy programme. We are not going to rush, and the mental health sector has to believe in what we might propose, so we are getting expert opinion and then we will pick and choose and decide what we do.

AC: Why don’t you do the London Marathon yourself?

PW: I would love to, but from the policing point of view, they tested it and they were like, “What?” I am keen to do a marathon but it won’t be London.

AC: What about getting a treadmill in here and doing it while everyone else is pounding the streets?

PW: It would be so boring.

AC: Be great television.

PW: I think I would have mental health issues if I was just staring at that wall. I do want to do it though - and the training. In the military we did plenty of similar things to marathons, like yomping over the Brecon Beacons with a ton of kit on your back. I am just pleased we got London as the mental health marathon.

AC: Do you have specific goals and outcomes for the campaign?

PW: Smashing the taboo is our biggest aim. We can’t go anywhere much until that’s done. People can’t access services till they feel less ashamed, so we must tackle the taboo, the stigma, for goodness sake, this is the 21st century. I’ve been really shocked how many people live in fear and in silence because of mental illness. I just don’t understand it. I know I come across as quite reserved and shy, I don’t always have my emotions brewing, but behind closed doors I think about the issues, I get very passionate about things. I rely on people around me for opinions, and I am a great believer in communication on these issues. I cannot understand how families, even behind closed doors, still find it so hard to talk about it. I am shocked we are so worried about saying anything about the true feelings we have. Because mental illness is inside our heads, invisible, it means others tread so carefully, and people don’t know what to say, whereas if you have a broken leg in plaster, everyone knows what to say.

AC: This is my vested interest speaking here, but what with the marathon and the other things, do you think you might stay in this mental health space for good?

PW: We want to see what impact we can have.

AC: You are making an impact now.

PW: I feel we’re going in the right direction, but not making as much impact as we would like. You know what it is like, you want to get there, grapple with all the issues, get there quickly, make the change that is needed.

AC: But in your position, can you do that?

PW: You can, but you have to do it carefully. Maybe we do make change but the way we do it is slower. We get the benefits of more publicity for the things we do.

AC: I do remember when your father’s letters used to come into Number Ten. Will you go down that route, with his very frank letters to ministers?

PW: [Laughs.] Could you read them?

AC: It wasn’t the handwriting that was the problem.

PW: I have written to ministers but purely to point them towards people I think they should see. So a charity might ask me if I can help with someone and I can help get them access to the people in government.

AC: So you don’t lobby but you introduce?

PW: There are issues I am interested in and I am happy to connect people to ministers.

AC: But you’re perhaps not as robust as your father?

PW: My father has always come at this from a depth of knowledge and a desire to help. He only gets involved in anything when he has those two things: knowledge matched to a desire to help. He genuinely cares. We can argue till the cows come home about whether what he says is right or wrong, but he lives this stuff every day, goes into minute detail, wants to help inform opinion and provide knowledge. I would love to know what the public really think, whether they feel shocked or pleased he gets involved. He has done this for a long, long time, and I think he has used his role really well to raise a lot of questions that people need to ask.

AC: So what might this mental health legacy be?

PW: One idea is getting mental health first aiders in schools. Teachers are under such pressure, they face so many challenges every day. They cannot be expected to be mental health counsellors as well, so we thought there must be a way of having mental health first aiders who can be attached to one or two schools.

AC: Is that something you would promote or fund?

PW: That is what we need to work out. It is a bit of a challenge, but we have a whole range of ideas we are looking at.

AC: Now, tell me about the idea of the films - and thank you for asking me to do one.

PW: Thank for you doing it. I watched it this morning.

AC: What was the purpose of them?

PW: This was predominantly about the importance of the conversation. The point we wanted to get over was that, often, talking is the best thing you can do - it can start the whole process of recovery. For a lot of people things brew up, particularly men maybe, they don’t want to talk about problems.

AC: When you were growing up, when you were still at school, did you feel you were surrounded by people who couldn’t talk about feelings?

PW: Yes, I think so, but I do think a generational shift has gone on. If I look at my parents’ generation, there was a lot more stiff upper lip going on. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and a place for the stiff upper lip, and, for those of us in public life, times when you have to maintain it, but behind closed doors, in normal everyday life, we have to be more open and upfront with our feelings and emotions. Mental health in the workplace is a huge issue, and a sensitive area, and leadership is important here. When you see people in high-powered jobs in the City and big corporations who got there despite their mental health problems, that is a huge success story and it shouldn’t be seen as anything else.

AC: Or maybe people get there because of their mental health problems too.

PW: Absolutely.

AC: I feel I owe mine quite a lot.

PW: Absolutely, but what is really important here is that we are normalising mental health, so if a CEO comes out and says, “I went through this, I got through these dark times,” that is amazing, it normalises, it has an impact then in that organisation and beyond. But without that kind of thing, people tend to make excuses, avoid talking about issues that may be affecting them, pretend everything is fine.

AC: So as an employer, if one of your staff came and saw you and said, “I am really struggling,” do you think you would deal with that properly?

PW: Definitely. I am not pretending I am an amazing counsellor, or a specialist, I’m not, but I would take it seriously and if they needed help I would find it for them.

AC: Now, on the stiff upper lip, I can see why there may be a place for that. But listen… my mother died when I was 56, she had a full life, died quickly, relatively painlessly, but it was very upsetting. I am not sure I could have walked behind her coffin with millions of people around the world looking at me, without crying.

PW: No.

AC: So how hard was that?

PW: It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But if I had been in floods of tears the entire way round how would that have looked?

AC: How can you not be in floods of tears if you feel like being in floods of tears?

PW: In the situation I was in, it was self-preservation. I didn’t feel comfortable anyway, having that massive outpouring of emotion around me. I am a very private person, and it was not easy. There was a lot of noise, a lot of crying, a lot of wailing, people were throwing stuff, people were fainting.

AC: As you were walking?

PW: Yes. It was a very unusual experience. It was something I don’t think anyone could have predicted. Looking back, the outpouring of grief and emotion was very touching but it was very odd to be in that situation.

AC: When you were up at Balmoral through the week, were you conscious of how big it all was down here in London?

PW: No, not at all. All I cared about was that I had lost my mum.

AC: So you were protected from everything happening on the Mall?

PW: Yes. I was 15, Harry almost 13, and the overwhelming thing was we had lost our mother.

AC: So when you came back, and you saw how big the reaction was?

PW: I didn’t take it in. I still didn’t realise what was going on, really.

AC: Did you grieve?

PW: That is a very good question. [Pause.] Probably not properly. I was in a state of shock for many years.

AC: Years?

PW: Yes, absolutely. People might find that weird, or think of shock as something that is there, it hits you, then in an hour or two, maybe a day or two, you are over it. Not when it is this big a deal; when you lose something so significant in your life, so central, I think the shock lasts for many years.

AC: My favourite soundbite of the Blair era was not from him, but your grandmother after 9/11, when she said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

PW: Yes, absolutely.

AC: But for you to say you felt you were in shock for years - how much harder is it when you are having to grieve or try to grieve with this extraordinary level of global scrutiny, and the endless ridiculous fascination in every detail of your and your mother’s lives.

PW: It does make it more difficult. It doesn’t make you less human. You’re the same person, it is a part of the job to have the interest. The thing is, you can’t bring all your baggage everywhere you go. You have to project the strength of the United Kingdom - that sounds ridiculous, but we have to do that. You can’t just be carrying baggage and throwing it out there and putting it on display everywhere you go. My mother did put herself right out there and that is why people were so touched by her. But I am determined to protect myself and the children, and that means preserving something for ourselves. I think I have a more developed sense of self-preservation.

AC: Yet the Heads Together campaign is all about saying we should talk, be more open about our emotions, out with the stiff upper lip, in with more talking.

PW: Absolutely.

AC: So is it different for you?

PW: Well, I am in the role I am in. But if I had mental health issues I would happily talk about them. I think the closest I got was the trauma I suffered when I lost my mother, the scale of the grief, and I still haven’t necessarily dealt with that grief as well as I could have done over the years.

AC: Who do you talk to?

PW: Family, friends, I talk to those around me who I trust.

AC: But it can’t be easy in your position to find people you can trust totally.

PW: It is hard. But I have always believed in being very open and honest. One of the few strengths I might have is I am good at reading people, and I can usually tell if someone is just being nice because of who I am, and saying stuff for the wrong reasons.

AC: Have you ever talked to people other than friends and family about your feelings?

PW: No I have not talked to a specialist or anyone clinical, but I have friends who are good listeners, and, on grief, I find talking about my mother and keeping her memory alive very important. I find it therapeutic to talk about her, and to talk about how I feel.

AC: So we are coming up to the 20th anniversary of her death. Are you looking forward to that? Or are you dreading it?

PW: I am not looking forward to it, no, but I am in a better place about it than I have been for a long time, where I can talk about her more openly, talk about her more honestly, and I can remember her better, and publicly talk about her better. It has taken me almost 20 years to get to that stage. I still find it difficult now because at the time it was so raw. And also it is not like most people’s grief, because everyone else knows about it, everyone knows the story, everyone knows her. It is a different situation for most people who lose someone they love, it can be hidden away or they can choose if they want to share their story. I don’t have that choice really. Everyone has seen it all.

AC: The first time I met your mother, in 1994, she said, “Why did you write those horrible things about me when you were a journalist?” I said, “My God, I can’t believe you read that stuff.” But she did. I was shocked that she had read it and also remembered it, it was years earlier. It made me think at the time that some people reach a certain level of fame at which media and public cease to see them as human beings. Do you think that is what happened to her, and do you think it has ever happened to you?

PW: Not with me, no. I think with her it was a unique case. The media issue with my mother was probably the worst any public figure has had to deal with.

AC: What? The intrusion, the harassment?

PW: Yes, but more the complete salacious appetite for anything, anything at all about her, even if there was no truth in it, none whatsoever.

AC: So you don’t have any sympathy with the argument that she cultivated her own friends in the media and fed the whole thing?

PW: I have been exploring this. Remember, I was young at the time. I didn’t know what was going on. I know some games and shenanigans were played, but she was isolated, she was lonely, things within her own life got very difficult and she found it very hard to get her side of the story across. I think she was possibly a bit naive and ended up playing into the hands of some very bad people.

AC: Media people?

PW: Yes. This was a young woman with a high profile position, very vulnerable, desperate to protect herself and her children and I feel strongly there was no responsibility taken by media executives who should have stepped in, and said, “Morally, what we are doing, is this right, is this fair, is this moral?” Harry and I were so young and I think if she had lived, when we were older we would have played that role, and I feel very sad and I still feel very angry that we were not old enough to be able to do more to protect her, not wise enough to step in and do something that could have made things better for her. I hold a lot of people to account that they did not do what they should have done, out of human decency.

AC: Were you not tempted to give evidence to the Leveson Inquiry?

PW: We discussed it, but decided in the end not to. Remember, we were the first to expose the phone hacking.

AC: You seem to get a hard time from one or two papers these days. Do you think there is a bit of score-settling going on?

PW: I don’t know.

AC: Do you get followed and chased by paps on bikes?

PW: Not often. But there is a lot of quite sophisticated surveillance that goes on.

AC: So even if not phone hacking, which is far from guaranteed, the press have moved on to other things?

PW: I suppose the one glimmer of light is that because of what happened to my mother, we do not get it as bad as she did. We still have problems, for sure, but do have a little more protection because of the ridiculous levels it got to for my mother - the fact she was killed being followed, being chased, I think there are more boundaries to their actions.

AC: Really?

PW: It is a little better than it used to be.

AC: During the week of her death, Tony Blair spoke to your father and he said to me afterwards, “This is going to be a problem, those boys are going to need help, they are going to despise the media, blame them for her death, yet the media will be a part of their lives.”

PW: Yes, they are.

AC: When you were in Paris recently, posing for hundreds of photographers with President Hollande, did you look at them and wonder if any of them were among the ones who chased her that night?

PW: I’m afraid those are the kind of things I have just had to come to terms with. It is so hard to explain, using only words, what it was like for my mother. If I could only bring out what I saw and what happened in my mother’s life and death, and the role the media played in that, that is the only way people would ever understand it. I can try to explain it in words, but to live it, see it, breathe it, you can’t explain how horrendous it was for her.

AC: Do you think the reaction to her death was a big factor in diminishing the stiff upper lip approach, and changed the way we mourn? Do you think the kind of reaction we saw when, say, David Bowie died last year, would have been the same without that reaction for your mother?

PW: No it wouldn’t. The massive outpouring around her death has really changed the British psyche, for the better.

AC: You do think it is for the better?

PW: Yes, I do think it is for the better.

AC: How much did that week after your mother’s death bring you and Harry together?

PW: We are very close.

AC: And that feeling of shock, sadness, you never felt it strayed over to what I would know as an illness, depression?

PW: I have never felt depressed in the way I understand it, but I have felt incredibly sad. And I feel the trauma of that day has lived with me for 20 years, like a weight, but I would not say that has led me to depression. I still want to get up in the morning, I want to do stuff, I still feel I can function. Believe me, at times it has felt like it would break me, but I have felt I have learned to manage it and I’ve talked about it. On the days when it has got bad I have never shied away from talking about it and addressing how I feel. I have gone straight to people around me and said, “Listen I need to talk about this today.”

AC: Like when?

PW: Last week with the air ambulance, I flew to a really bad case, a small boy and a car accident. I have seen quite a lot of car injuries, and you have to deal with what you see, but every now and then one gets through the armour. This one penetrated the armour, not just me but the crew who have seen so much. It was the feelings of loss from a parent’s point of view, the parents of the boy. Anything to do with parent and child, and loss, it is very difficult, it has a big effect on me, it takes me straight back to my emotions back when my mother died, and I did go and talk to people at work about it. I felt so sad. I felt that one family’s pain and it took me right back to the experience I had. The more relatable pain is to your own life the harder it is to shake it off.

AC: How has the passing of time helped?

PW: They do say time is a healer, but I don’t think it heals fully. It helps you deal with it better. I don’t think it ever fully heals.

AC: Is there a part of you that doesn’t want it to heal fully because for that to happen might make her feel more distant? So you feel the need to stay strongly attached? If grief is the price we pay for love, maybe you want to keep the grief out of fear that loss of grief means you love her less?

PW: One thing I can always say about my mother is she smothered Harry and me in love. Twenty years on I still feel the love she gave us and that is testament to her massive heart and her amazing ability to be a great mother.

AC: How different do you think the country would be if she was still here?

PW: I have thought about that, but mainly from my own perspective. I would like to have had her advice. I would love her to have met Catherine and to have seen the children grow up. It makes me sad that she won’t, that they will never know her.

AC: What about the public Diana?

PW: I think she would have carried on, really getting stuck into various causes and making change. If you look at some of the issues she focused on, leprosy, Aids, landmines, she went for some tough areas. She would have carried on with that.

AC: She was an extraordinary woman.

PW: She was.

AC: How hard do you find the scrutiny? I mean you can’t even do a bit of bad dad dancing without someone taking a video?

PW: [Laughs.] Honestly, I can dance better than that. It’s true though, camera phones, Twitter, there’s not much privacy. I don’t think it was too bad. It wasn’t as if I was falling out of a nightclub, totally wasted. I think people realise everyone has to blow off a bit of energy and tension every now and then.

AC: So how did you feel when some of the papers said you don’t work hard enough?

PW: Criticism is part of the turf, I’m afraid. I think the public are much more nuanced. I have my air ambulance job, I carry out the duties the Queen asks me to, I have my charities and causes and I am raising a young family, so I can’t let that criticism get to me.

AC: A couple of the papers do seem to have turned against you, though?

PW: There is a certain element of Fleet Street getting fed up with nice stories about us. They want the past back again, soap, drama.

AC: Do you see it as part of your job to avoid giving them that? A bit of normality, stability.

PW: I couldn’t do my job without the stability of the family. Stability at home is so important to me. I want to bring up my children in a happy, stable, secure world, and that is so important to both of us as parents. I want George to grow up in a real, living environment, I don’t want him growing up behind palace walls, he has to be out there. The media make it harder but I will fight for them to have a normal life.

AC: But surely you must accept it is an abnormal life?

PW: Totally, but I can still try to protect them as children.

AC: The Queen, your father, you, now George. Four people on the planet who might one day be the head of state in the UK. It is fair to say republicanism has lost, not least thanks to your grandmother. The monarchy seems to have bucked the trend even though we live in a non-deferential, anti-establishment age. Do you feel that?

PW: I do feel the monarchy is in a good place and, like you say, my grandmother has done a remarkable job leading the country - her vision, her sense of duty, her loyalty, her steadfastness, it has been unwavering. We now have three generations of working royals, four altogether, and having that movement through the generations allows for the monarchy to stay relevant and keep up with modern times. You are only as good as your last gig and it is really important you look forward, plan, have a vision.

AC: Do you not look at the Queen, yet another garden party, yet another investiture, yet another state visit, and think how on earth can she keep going?

PW: Yes I do.

AC: Do you, your father and the Queen ever sit down, just the three of you, and just natter?

PW: [Laughs.] What, about Lady Gaga or something? [Prince William had recently recorded a Facetime chat with Lady Gaga for the campaign.]

AC: I was thinking more about being head of state. I mean, how do you learn?

PW: You learn on the job. There is no rulebook. I sometimes wonder if there should be, but in the end I think probably not. Having that difference in how we do things makes the Royal Family more interesting and more flexible. If we all followed the same line, it would all be quite stifled. Our characters are different and the different opinions are important to have.

AC: Your grandmother has always believed in there being a bit of mystique attached to it all as well.

PW: Absolutely.

AC: Never ever given an interview.

PW: No. Never. I seem to have sold the pass on that one.

[redalader]

Reign Recap 3x16 Clans

Two weeks ago I started watching Reign and I fell in love. This show is everything I could want and more and now that I’m on an episode where they are in SCOTLAND I wanted to give a mini recap because I have a lot of feelings.

“Clans” opened with the camera panning over the coast as water swept over suitcases and the unconscious bodies of the crew aboard Mary’s ship. What made this scene extra effective was the theme song playing as we were shown the wreckage. It was a stark contrast from how the theme was used last episode, where Mary left the castle to fight for Scotland then came charging back on a horse to protect Catherine. Last episode the theme song played to show how our brave queen had developed and how strong she had become. It was a send off for her to go to Scotland and rule, but now the theme was oddly disorientating. Mary was no longer in the safety of France but somewhere she hadn’t been since she was a child and she had barely survived the trip. It was new and dangerous, she knew practically no one here, and barely remembered the landscape and the opening scene really captured this for me. “She is in control” The Lumineers sang as the camera zoomed in on her looking very peaceful on a plank of wood.

  Then, a group of thieves approached and they began to kill everyone that was still alive and take their gold. At this point I wondered if using French money in Scotland back then would be like trying to use Scottish money in England nowadays. The thieves would try to pay for something with French money and be laughed at. “This is legal tender!” the thief would explain. “No really, it has the French seal but it’s okay to use.” “Honestly google it, I swear”  but no one would listen. No one ever listened. And I suppose that’s why the thieves suddenly started silting throats.  Narcisse and Mary managed to avoid the throat slitting by hiding behind a rock and watching in horror as a thief approached Bash. Thankfully, he is a main character so that’s when THE MYSTERIOUS WHITE MYSTICAL SCOTS appeared to save him. Obviously, if anyone was to be saved by MYSTERIOUS MYSTICAL SCOTS it would be Bash, who is basically a magnet to all things mystical. The pagans love him, the ghosts he hallucinates love him, and his mysteriously witchy girl friends love him. If he wasn’t taking a couple of weeks in Scotland to find himself with a group of magical druids then what was the point in coming at all.

Meanwhile, Lola and Elizabeth where having a girls talk. Elizabeth was preparing to meet and schmooze with the Prince of Denmark and was instructing Lola on how to flirt with the Prince’s (friend? brother? wingman?) all so Demark could send England a bunch of cows.

Back in Scotland, Narcisse and Mary were on a quest to find where the MYSTERIOUS SCOTS had taken Bash (which meant going over a lot of hills because welcome to Scotland). I found everything about the location to be so Scottish, the graininess, the dark green/brown. Scotland is both bleak and beautiful, it is miserable rainy and grey while also being covered with green hills and blue lakes and old castles. Usually when TV Shows and Movies go to Scotland it’s never a country I recognise, but here, the scenery, the sky, the colours , it was as if it was all taking place outside my window. In fact it was so realistic I got war flashbacks to the Duke of Edinburgh award where you have to walk 11 miles up hills and then 14 miles back down in the mud and rain, all for one line on your resume that is a deal-breaker in a lot of colleges/universities/jobs. 

ANYWAY BACK TO THE EPISODE

Narcisse and Mary were trying to find a way to blend in without being recognised, a task that would be difficult if Narcisse hadn’t torn some papers from the clutches of a dead (or dying) brother and sister. Anyway, because of Narcisse’s quickness to do the gruesome, Narcisse had a stolen identity for himself and Mary and they were able to proceed to the tent where Bash was being held. It turned out the MYSTERIOUS CLAN was really nice and were healing Bash by traditional methods. Unfortunately, in this case that meant him reaching his hand into a bag of snakes and bringing out what looked like a sheeps bladder or something someone had regurgitated 

Later, the Clan leader started talking to Mary about the state Scotland was in and the state Scotland could potentially be in with the right leadership. He said all this with a twinkle in his eye, giving Mary the pep talk she needed while pretending to not know it was Mary. It was a very sweet moment, and a talk Mary needed because it didn’t come from Catherine or Bash but it came from her own Scottish citizen. 

 Meanwhile, Elizabeth was with that boy in high school that talked way too much about cars but instead a boy it was the Prince of Denmark and instead of cars he could only talk about Denmark.

We’ve all tried to be nice to a boy like this, and let me tell you it’s not always worth it. I’m not saying don’t talk about your interests, because you should always be enthusiastic about the things that make you happy, but if someone is obnoxiously belittling you as they talk about what they love then you are no longer obligated to be nice to them. If someone loves Denmark then great, talk to them about it,  but they should let you discuss your passion for England all the same .  

Back in France, Charles was conspiring against Catherine by plotting to take down The Red Knights without her. He even made his own Flying Squad to help him (by picking rich boys who were roughly his age, although I’m still not sure what age Charles is meant to be so they could be anything from 12-16)

 Charles’s friends consisted of a Ginger boy, a Curly haired boy, and a boy who looked like baby Kylo Ren. I don’t remember their names so they will be henceforth called Ginger, Curly and Kylo. They were playing tennis in the hallway, which is really the least suspicious thing I can think of, if I saw a group of boys playing cards or even just talking my alarm bells would be ringing, but tennis in the hallway is just a normal thing to do. In the midst of the inconspicuous tennis match Curly tripped and knocked over a vase which sent Catherine running out. She didn’t yell at Charles, but it seemed like one of those “as soon as my friends are gone I’m going to be shouted at for a solid hour” situations. But there was a positive to this, as Ginger had some useful information. He revealed that money from a small farming town had been used to buy military grade weapons.  Upon hearing this, Claude went straight to Leith and asked him to check it out. Leith of course was a little unsure about betraying Catherine but Claude found a way to convince him.

I want to take a serious moment to appreciate Claude and Leith. Leith is a romantic and it’s wonderful to see him with Claude who would fight for him as much as he would for her. My problem with Greer and Leith is that she never fought for him, she liked her safety net too much and couldn’t let herself be with him. It means so much to me that Leith has found someone willing to go the distance for him, because she is a Princess she can do what she wants. I know it wouldn’t be historically accurate for them to officially end up together but this couple has so much chemistry if all it takes is Charles proclaiming Leith Duke of Lorraine then so be it. At this point I’m rooting for them so badly I wouldn’t care if Francis rose up from the dead and gave Leith all the land in France just so he could marry Claude. And while we are slightly messing up history can we give Mary maybe like a nice week in Scotland? Just one? She had such a hard life after France and it’s going to be devastating to watch her go through it. Meanwhile, back in England something slightly terrifying happened. Elizabeth discovered Lola had used English information to get Mary “safely” to Scotland. If I have learned anything from years of studying, acting in plays, and watching media about Elizabeth the First it is that she is not to be trusted. But at the same time Lola and Elizabeth had just had an insane snowball fight and were bonding like no one has bonded before. It’s a strange dynamic, Lola is still Elizabeth’s prisoner and I don’t trust her, but she does seem to genuinely enjoy Lola’s company and I’m conflicted. I could watch Elizabeth make Lola a friendship bracelet for twenty minutes but convince myself she is going to walk over and strangle Lola with it instead. 

Speaking of friendship bracelets, after staying up all night bonding, the MYSTERIOUS CLAN were preparing to say goodbye to Mary and Bash. As a goodbye gift, the head of the clan gave them a horse each to ride to Edinburgh safely, he shook Mary’s hand and was promptly stabbed by a sword as the thieves from the start of the episode arrived to murder everyone. 

The motivation for this massacre was the evil clan believing the new agey clan to be heathens which is against their religion. Conveniently, murder seems to be okay with their religion though as they killed a total of at least 50 people this episode. To avoid also being murdered, Mary and Bash pretended to be prisoners and the head of the evil clan freed them instead of killing them. The head of this evil clan immediately made me uncomfortable because he looked exactly like the creepy 30-year-old who asked me out when I was 17. It is quite an accurate similarity as the man who asked me out was also very “if you aren’t my religion you are going to hell” and also slightly “women suck” and to top it all off I bet he shipped Olivia and Francis.

 Alas, I digress, Mary realised this clan were the same clan that tried to assassinate her and killed Francis in the process. This made the clan irredeemably evil. Francis was a fan favourite and there is no coming back from that. 

Speaking of fan favourites, Leith had gone with Charles and Claude to the small farming town where they discovered gunpowder and weapons being stored in a mill. Now, the smart thing to do here would be to move the grain and food out of the mill before blowing the weapons up. But Catherine who is the brains of every operation was not there and so they decided to blow up the town’s food supply along with the weapons. What made this situation even worse was that The Red Knights had removed the gunpowder and weapons so when Charles shot a flaming arrow into the mill all it did was burn the food which, understandably, made the peasants very angry. To be fair to The Red Knights, the peasants would be angry anyway. There was no part of this plan that wouldn’t involve the grain burning in the process. Charles and his friends should stick to playing obtrusive games in the hallway and Claude and Leith should work on their marriage plans and everyone should leave the plotting to Catherine.

With burning flour and grain sending smoke everywhere, It didn’t take long for our heroes to become surrounded by angry peasants who were hungry for food and thirsty for Charles’s blood. While Leith held them off, Charles ran away with his good friend Kylo, who turned out to be working for The Red Knights. I mean, come on Charles why were you trusting people you just met,he clearly needs to learn a lot more from his mother, Catherine “trust no one” de Medici, queen of sass, manipulation and masterful plans. So we end this episode with a brawl, with Mary plotting revenge on the men who killed Francis and Charles being kidnapped. Personally, I’m very excited for the next episode because MORE SCOTLAND and hopefully MORE CATHERINE and if we are lucky MORE LOLA AND ELIZABETH SCARY BONDING TIMES I know it’s really dumb to recap a show that’s already finished, but I had fun doing this, and I just really had to make a lot of those photos, I have a lot of pent up feelings about this show and it’s frustrating having no one irl to vent too! So here we are! Hope you enjoyed if you read it all, if not then I’m sorry for wasting your time ;D

~ Dervla

[a-sims-garden]

100 Questions To Invade My Personal Life

I saw @simsstuffmarie​ do this yesterday and thought I’d give it a go.

If you want to read it all good luck, if you can’t be bothered I don’t blame you, it’s quite long :D

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it? Elizabeth, it’s alright, it’s quite common.

2. Are you artistic? Not really, I used to be good at drawing when I was yonger.

3. Have you had your first kiss? I had my first kiss when I was 12 :P

4. What is your life goal? To have a secure job I love and maybe a couple of kids

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person? I saw Warrick Davis at a convention once.

6. Do you play any sports? I used to play badminton at school but I don’t really do anything now.

7. What’s your worst fear? Being stuck in a tight space for ages - like being buried alive.

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration? Anyone who has motivation to do what they love.

9. Do you have any cool talents?

I can do a good Butterfree impression?

10. Are you a morning person? No way.

11. How do you feel about pet names? They can be cute, I find them a bit cringy to use myself. My boyfriend and I just call each other ‘love’. 12. Do you like to read? Alllllllllll the time. 13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. Yuri!!!!! on Ice - I’ve never felt so strongly for two main characters my entire life.

Friends - I don’t know what I’d do without it, it’s a comfort for me whenever I re-watch it.

14. Do you care about your follower count?

Not really, I’m amazed even 1 person followed me (*´∀`*) I appreciate every single one though.

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

I’ve had a few where I’ve been able to fly, those where pretty fun.

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

Only when I was younger as a dare. I wish I had been more explorative when I was younger though since I think I’m most definitely bi now.

17. Do you have any pets?

Two cats.

18. Are you religious?

Not really. I like to think believing in reincarnation would be pretty cool though.

19. Are you a people person?

Only if they’re the kind of people I know how to get along with.

20. Are you considered popular?

Probably not but I don’t really care, I’ve got my group of close friends and that’s all I need.

21. What is one of your bad habits?

Being a bit selfish sometimes.

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable

Thinking about how we’re all just little ants on this planet absorbed on our own little worlds and none of us are special.

23. What would you name your children?

I like Pheobe for a girl and Ethan for a boy. If in the very unlikely chance that I have twin boys I am 100% calling them Theo and Leo xD

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

Scarlett Johansson can come and steal me away any day <3

25. What’s your best subject?

Animal Behaviour (what I studied at uni)

26. Dogs or cats?

Catssssss

27. Most-used social media besides Tumblr?

Probably a tie between Facebook and Twitter

28. Best friends name

Josh

29. Who does your main family consist of?

My mum and my sister

30. Chocolate or sugar

Aren’t they the same thing?? But always chocolate!!

31. Have you ever been on a date?

Lots

32. Do you like rollercoasters?

Love them!!

33. Can you swim?

Yup, I love swimming

34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse?

Somehow try to meet up with my boyfriend and best friends, get our families and hide out at a big school or something.

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

Bits of depression and anxiety, getting better now that I’ve finished uni!

36. Are your parents together?

Divorced 4 years ago.

37. What’s your favourite colour?

Greeeeeen

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

England, used to live in Wales for uni.

39. Favourite singer?

Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

No, wouldn’t want to be.

41. Do you like dresses?

Sometimes, only for formal occasions.

42. Favourite song right now?

Believer by Imagine Dragons

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nope

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

It was the morning of my 14th birthday... great present!

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

Only bb guns.

46. Have you ever done yoga?

No.

47. Are you a horror girl?

Only the Stephen King kind.

48. Are you good at giving advice?

Not really

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

At preschool we would do the nativity play every year and one year I was an angel and got really nervous and wet myself... on stage xD

50. How are you doing today?

I’m alright, could be better, could be worse. (Halfway through these, woooo)

51. Were you a cute kid?

I was pretty cute. I had the chubbiest cheeks :D

52. Can you dance?

I used to do modern/jazz dance after school.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

Loving to read?

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

Only highlights

55. What colour are your eyes?

Green

56. What’s your favourite animal?

Owls ( ◎▼◎ )

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

Plenty of times...

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Definitely with my Mum, not so much with my Dad since he moved out but getting closer since he had my little brother.

59. Do you have good friends?

They’re the bestest.

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

Not that I know of

61. What’s your favourite class?

Used to be Biology

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

Handmaiden’s tale and Friends

63. Are you organised?

Sometimes I get bursts of being organised but most of the time as long as I know where it is, that’s enough for me!

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

Wonder Woman was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

If I had to pick one, Pheobe from Friends although I’m sure there are lots of differences.

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Time and space... just kidding :P probably money.

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

Looking after all the beautiful reptiles and birds I would buy...

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

I’d probably be less scared to try new things

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Nothing, I’ve long stopped caring what other people think

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

I’d spend less of my middle school years being sad and depressed because I had no friends, and I’d make my parents get the internet way earlier then when I was 17...

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

To save from death? 100%

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

When me and my friends when camping last summer

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My cats

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

I looked for jobs at local zoos and sanctuaries, applied for a couple the other day (fingers crossed!)

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

A zoo keeper

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

My social life and relaxing time, otherwise I’d be volunteering/working 24/7

79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

I can think of loads of examples...

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Get a job and move back in with my boyfriend and get a cat and maybe get engaged

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

Tiring but productive xD

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

Playing the Sims lol

And probably reading every book that ever existed.

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

I’d pay for my mum to live in a nice house and take us all on holiday. Then I’d get a nice house for me and my bf and all of our pets that I’d buy.

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

I’d love to go to the past and see how we evolved and how dinosaurs lived.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

My bf and my mum

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

Whenever I have a nightmare about zombies and faceless things...

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

Definitely the woods, cities are way too suffocating.

88. Do you believe in life after death

My science brain says no, but my imagination says maybe?

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

My middle school science teacher who taught me how fun science is.

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Our family holiday to Disney Land, Florida.

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

Charles Darwin, I’d let him know how successful his work became.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

Not many things could make me cry of joy. My bf proposing to me might do it though xD

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

Everyone has the capacity for good and evil.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

You get a funeral...

95. What would you do if you could be invisible?

Pull pranks on people

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

Be taller

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

No, although there are so many women in my family I will probably have only girls...

98. How did your first crush develop?

Poorly

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Embarrassment

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

I try to live as best I can.

So there you go! Congrats if you made it to the end! I won’t tag anyone, just give it a go if ya wanna :)

[ingridfrederiksdottir-blog]

Modern Ingrid HC - “Interview with the Princess”

Okay, here’s a little something I had in mind for Ingrid’s modern verse and I just HAD to write. Feel free to get to know her a bit more, or not. LOL!

As we settled in a big room inside Amalienborg Palace, a very punctual Princess Ingrid walks in dressed in jeans, a white blouse and black flats: the way we are used to see her walking around Copenhagen on her free time. She emanates happiness, an unusual happiness for a Monday morning, but again that’s the Princess being her and we all love that. She asks if we need anything and even offers us hot chocolate, something she quickly let us know to be her secret for eternal happiness. Her younger sister Josephine, whom she calls “little hurricane” walks in, greets us and sits right next to her sister. The Crown Princess herself shows up asking Princess Ingrid if it’s okay to let the little girl join her sister for the interview and warns her own daughter to remain quiet after waving at us with a big smile on her face.

Do you mind if we start now, Your Royal Highness? Let’s do this!

First of all, thanks for having us here today. I’ve been around many other royals over my career and I must admit you’re a favourite of mine. Aww, that’s really sweet of you! I’m happy to be giving this interview. I guess it’s my first proper interview where I can openly talk about me and my job.

Let’s start with your job then and with something I’ve been following very close. Tell us how you ended up involved with the amazing Heads Together campaign? Oh, Heads Together! Well, I’m really close to both William and Harry, and obviously, Kate. Prince Charles and my beloved Princess Diana are my godparents so we’ve always been close. Kate called me when she had the idea for Heads Together, actually. She knows I’m involved with mental health patronages and how important it is for me so she kindly invited me to join them, and I just couldn’t say no.

Is that something you’ve always wanted? Raising awareness to mental health? It is, indeed. It’s something very personal for me. Not too many people know or care, but I’ve been deeply affected by depression my entire life. It started when I was old enough to understand what truly meant being called “the Crown Prince’s little bastard” by the media, and like a disease that moved to school in the shape of bullying. It came to a point where I had to leave school and study at home.

And we all know the terrible things that can happen with a child that’s bullied at school… Exactly! It’s at school where children become persons with their own opinions, doesn’t matter if they’re the right opinions or not. Sometimes the bullies can barely see the huge harm they’re causing to someone, so I’m really glad my position allows me to tell people “hey, pay attention to what’s happening around there!”.

Do you think you get the attention mostly because you’re a royal? No, not really. It obviously helps a lot, but hard work and professionalism also comes with it. I don’t just go there and say “hiii I’m a Princess, take a look at what I’m doing!”, God, just NO! I study a lot about the things I’m involved, I read a lot, so a bit of passion for what I do is of major help, indeed.

When did it first came to your mind who you were and your father was, and mostly, your grandmother was? Hmmm, I was around ten and it was gran’s birthday and she got a call from the Queen of England, a person I used to see all the time on TV and actually studying at home with my tutor. I knew who she was, so can you imagine how it felt? I kept wondering why my granny would get a happy birthday call from the Queen of England.

Then you found out the weight of who your grandmother is? Yes, kind of. It was the first time I heard “The Queen of England is on the phone”. Before that she was just Elizabeth to me. She was just my granny’s cousin and also my godfather’s mum.

When did you decided to be a full time royal? Well, we all know that if my father wasn’t a stubborn I’d never be a Princess myself. So it always had much value to me, considering how tragic things were for him, having a little baby to take care of while his lifetime girlfriend and fiancée is dead. My mother’s death had obviously a huge impact over him and he said to me he thought it would be a way to protect me - giving me a title. So he decided to fight for it and here I am. I wanted to honour this. Also, I’ve decided to use the constant media attention to raise awareness to what truly matters.

And how the idea for your Foundation came? Well, like I said, I really wanted to use the media attention for the greater good. So having my own Foundation was something that just came really naturally after I spent my gap year in Africa. I’ve seen all those children without even clean water and I wanted to do something for them. That was also when I decided I’d be a full time royal.

You’ve mentioned before you studied about the Queen of England. You obviously studied about your own family… Oh, yes. I thought I was just getting to know my family and stuff. Can you imagine how it felt when I found out she was not only on my history book? It’s still weird enough for me, and now I can see the same confused looks in the eyes of Christian and Isabella, my siblings.

Princess Josephine and Prince Vincent don’t have the notion about that yet, then? I think they don’t. Do you, Josie?

Mmm what?

Knows why granny’s picture can be found on books?

Because she’s pretty?

See? She doesn’t!

Tell us something you hate about being a Princess!  Oh God, I love everything about my family and the chance I was given to be in this position. But I just hate being called ma'am. I know it's part of protocol when addressing to a female royal, but it sounds so weird being called ma'am at the age of 23. I used to be called little miss around Josie and Bella's age, though.

That’s indeed a bit awkward. Now let’s lead this to a more personal thing... Oh God! *chuckles* Okay, let’s do this!

Tell us how is a random free day in your life! Mmmm, it’s really normal. When I’m in Denmark I have to stay each day at a place so I won’t hear anyone complaining. So I usually arrive from London at night, father always picks me up at the airport, then I have Christian anxiously waiting for me with my eternal secret of happiness: hot chocolate. He even puts a bit of cinnamon because he knows I just love it. Then yeah, Mary and Bella also wait for me but usually this little hurricane here *looks at Josie* is passed out with Vincent in my bed. I love cuddling with them so I let them sleep with me. 

Sounds great. Big sissy time! Exactly! Vincent is just so adorable, he cuddles in my arms and tells how much he misses his big sissy and my heart melts! While Josie jumps in my bed because that’s what she does better. Righ, Jo?

Uh-YES!

What about a day when you’re in London? Oh, London is more... Mmmm... I’m always working there. I spend lots of time at Kensington with Kate and the kids when I’m not working, also my godpapa Charles likes to cook dinner once in a while-

The Prince of Wales cooks? He does!! *giggles* His food is great, really. All organic, so I love having dinner there. I also spend a bunch of time with Bea and Eugenie, we go out a lot with Harry for a beer.

Okay, now a day when you... Have a royal tour representing your grandmother! Oh, these days I get reeeally tired. I’m representing her all the time but royal tours are just... I just feel the weight on my shoulders all the time but it’s also really fun. Most of them are people I know since I was little, so it makes a bit easier. Last month I went to Spain and King Felipe is a close friend of my papa, so it felt like home. But yeah, it’s great fun but also a huge responsibility.

What about putting  a gown and a tiara? Do you feel like a Princess? Can’t say I don’t, although tiaras give me headaches. Granny always lets me decide which one I’ll wear or take with me if I have a dinner abroad, so I always try to choose the lightest ones. But I do feel quite pretty, and I get to wear tiaras a lot.

Is there anything you would change about being who you are? No, nothing... I mean, I would like not to be called ma’am until I’m at least 35 *chuckles* but I wouldn’t change a single thing. I absolutely love my family. My grandparents are simply amazing, I’m a daddy’s girl - really, I love papa Frederik so much. My siblings... My uncle, Marie, my cousins. And Mary. Oh, Mary is such a huge inspiration for me, she’s just amazingly fabulous, always been there for me when I needed a mother figure. Mary is my eternal sweetheart. My maternal aunt and all of mummy’s family is simply amazing as well, I love them to death and I always make sure they keep her memory alive.

I had the chance to meet her when she and your father got engaged. Aw, don’t make me cry. I don’t have a single memory with her but I feel like she’s alive inside of me, in my heart. 

You look a lot like her! I hear that ALL THE TIME! But I’m happy to look like her. I always try to keep her close on everything I do. But I’m really lucky to have a bunch of great people in my life. My godparents are amazing as well. And that’s it, really. I’m pretty much like any girl of my age.

Now we all know, and it was a huge pleasure talking to you today. I hope you’ll continue with your amazing work and that we meet many other times. Thank you for coming all the way here!

[atasteofchocolates]

It’s all becoming too much.

21/02/2020

Things aren’t getting better. 

It’s been almost a week since Blake broke up with me and the healing process is slow. I have started to eat little bits but not much and I have dreams about him every night. They are mostly bad. 

On the first night I dreamed that I went to the Midland where he is staying and he apologized to me and said some sort off excuses that made it all okay and we started from the beginning. The next one was finding out he has slept with a few women since we broke up and I saw a snap chat in my dream of him out partying, that one really made me feel anxious and sick. The last one I had last night and I was beating him up (but in a weak kind of way) because of the lies I have been finding out and I kicked him out my house. 

Speaking of the lies. I found out that I wasn’t his first kiss and that he told his family ages ago that he’d lost his virginity, so all those claims that I was his first were all bullshit. It angered me so much because that isn’t even something people lie about! And it was a lie he was prepared to take to the grave, how could he sleep with me ever night knowing how many lies he told? I was also told that before me he never made much contact with is siblings, never made an effort on their birthdays or Christmas and that he was just pretending in front of me. That is why Brianna isn’t talking to him, it’s because she told everyone that it won’t last and that he is just trying to impress me, and she knew how much he could lie. 

And yet, when I remember his innocent looking face, I think... How? and Why? He doesn’t look like someone who could lie about all this and hurt so many people. I say he never acted that way, never showed any signs... he did, he cheated and continued wanting to talk to women, he always had the intention of more. But I never wanted to see it. 

I still find myself blaming me, thinking, If I hadn’t of argued so much, if I had shown him so much physical love then maybe he wouldn’t have felt the need. If I had stopped nagging. But even if I had and even if Blake had stayed. There were all these lies :( It’s horrible that my first grasp of love ended up this way. I wish it could have been a normal break up and everyone was honest. But it wasn’t. It was horrible and scarring. He won’t even give me answers, won’t admit to his lies. He owes me the world and he can’t even give me a piece of dirt. I have a box of all of these things I was going to give back to him when he got in touch. But now im binning it all. No matter how much I miss him, I know I can’t see him, it will just break me further. Everyone told me to sell his parents wedding rings he brought over from Australia, I went to, but asked for them back because I couldn’t. Instead I gave them in to his work. A girl answered the door who looked like she could have been Amy, she didn’t look as pretty as her pictures make her out to be and she gave me a filthy look when she took the rings. 

Mum misses him too. She cries sometimes because she saw him as a son and loved him as one. She thought he was going to be my one forever. Shes also frustrated and wishes she’d of chased him off after he cheated and not let him move here.

Weston is hard to live in now. But there is nothing I can do. Whenever I go into town I feel so anxious because I know he is living and working in town and his service users live to wonder around all the time. It’s like i’m afraid to run into him. Little Tesco and the chippy I used to work in make me sad because of all the memories of him picking me up from the bus stop after college and work. The round about next to it gives me bad memories because the flat we moved into this time last year is there and I can still see the window that used to be our bedroom. Our house reminds me of him everywhere. We aren’t moving house anymore luckily. It would have been in his works back garden. But it’s also sad because now I’m in the same surroundings. I’m trying to think of ways I can re do or change my room to make it feel like mine again but I spent so much time and money on it :( I wake up with such intense anxiety like I did back when I was 14-15. It’s horrible. He’s ruined everything. 

Rumor has it though that he has arranged to stay with his mum and dale (Who he claimed to hate and never want to see again) if he goes back to aus and his family don’t think he will last more then a few months on his own in England. Although this news is good because it will remove some of the anxiety around seeing him, It also makes me feel bad because we will be so far apart again. Even though we have ended. 

I didn’t get the apprenticeship I traveled up to Bristol twice for and now I’m loosing hope and not sure if I actually want to do marketing. I want to study counselling but know that I have to wait until I’m 21 to get onto the course. 

I started talking to people online again but who are in and around my area and spoke to this guy who had everything going for him, he was nice looking, was a teacher for kids with disabilities, had a car and lived in Bristol. He came across so nice until he started saying crude things like ‘I know it sucks, and usually I like a good suck’ and told me that he likes it when girls reveal skin and that his ex used to do it to tease him all the time... As if that’s going to get him a date. So now that’s not going to work even though yesterday I thought he was so sweet. At least he revealed that side of himself now instead of 3 years down the line like Blake. 

Dads only been down to see me once on Wednesday while all this has been going on so I’m not feeling very supported. He will call me but sometimes I just need a hug from my dad. Mums’ been supportive but I’m also trying to not show her how affected I am because she is so stressed about supporting granddad.

It’s sad really because I have posted so much on this blog this week because I feel like there is really no one else I can talk to. Syd doesn’t really check up on me unless I message her and she had a gathered last night and didn’t incite me until she posted on snap chat, I saw and then she felt guilty. Charles has been amazing but he struggles to understand my emotions. When I feel better though he will be good at helping me go out more. I have a guy called Harry who checks up on me but he always takes me talking to him as an invitation to start flirting.

Since downloading this dating app I get loads of messages from guys. It’s a shame I felt so unconfident and ugly in my relationship because so many guys are complimenting me. When a guy has cheated on you though is does knock down your self esteem. 

This past week I’ve just been distracting myself by either going everywhere mum goes and seeing the grandparents a lot, or watching a lot of youtube. 

I am worried about what I’m going to do with myself once I’ve watched all the videos and have nothing left to distract myself with. 

I guess the only good things are that I have made it through the first week. I am alive and pretty much healthy. I know I am attractive to guys even though I was made to feel otherwise. And I am aware my relationship wasn’t healthy. It could have been better in so many ways and I didn’t deserve to be hurt and treated the way that I was.