#my mom absolutely has some sensory processing weirdness going on

[silicon-katydid]

#the ways in which my mother also isn’t neurotypical is not aptly described by autism but my god there’s something happening there too

people keep diagnosing their fathers with autism but never their mothers and it's just because their fathers are like emotionally distant and have old man interests or something like well yeah he's your dad

[witchofthesouls]

Oh~ I just saw your latest post about cybertronians and human dances and I love it!

As a former ballerina, I loved the admiration from the audience but over time grew to hate the process of ballet dancing. Between the cut-throat competition, the EDs, the amount of toenails that have fallen off and lost, and the fact that I don’t really have much feeling left in my feet due to the 15 years worth of ballet that damaged them.

I still love dancing, I just don’t put it above my peace and health anymore, so I can look back at my ballet career and all the stuff that happened and laugh. Trust me, my story isn’t unique among the thousands of ballet performers out there.

I think that cybertronian would be kind of horrified about the ‘smile behind the pain’ and ‘there is beauty in pain’ aspect of ballet, especially the medics and especially about the falling off toenails 😂

Ohhh, thank you for sharing! I actually had some thoughts about this since my mom is a nurse with patients who were professional dancers and holy hell, the kind of injuries that could happen! Ballet feet, indeed.

First Aid would be absolutely horrified and feeling guilty that he enjoyed the performances when it brings on that much damage. He didn't think such beautiful, effortless movements could do long-term damage. The poor thing will start digging into things to learn about the human body and how to mitigate injuries and fall into a weird spiral of "what?! No... What?!"

(It's Skyfire that needs to drag him out that funk since xenobiology on Cybertron was a massive field with so many specialties without going into different species.)

Ratchet, on the other hand, isn't surprised. He's ancient compared to a lot of the crew. He definitely remembers when professional dancers on Cybertron had to have their latches sanded or permanently removed, so it wouldn't catch the costumes or hurt their partners when their bare frames glided together. Luckily, the tech improved, but there are still common injuries like pulls and stains and breaks, especially without proper warm ups or among those without the trained flexibility on an intense choreography or heavy costumes. They still have long term-health impacts as well.

Professional dancers from Cybertron have issues with hyperflexiblity since armature has a key role in protecting joints and ligaments and cables from overusing and overextending. Very set or old professionals have a knack in popping back their parts without a grimace. A must know trick, especially during a performance. The younger ones have masks during the shows until they can master that necessity because crowds don't want to see dancers in pain. Unless it's part of the script. It can get to the point where it severely impacts their own lines (fuel, coolant, lubricant) and need either invasive corrective surgery or retirement.

They also have issues with their sensory perception. Quite a few feel too contained or claustrophobic with proper plating to the point that they're basically in root-mode all the time, so many high-end tailors leverage that. Or use really specialized plating that tricks the outside eye that it's thick when it really isn't.

Another common injury is protoform burn, especially among the dancers that do aerial performances with rigs since the straps are set deep into their base, and they're in direct line of fire of special effects. This can lead to deformations and scarring, which messes with their sensation. Many dancers see this as a matter of pride in their craft and take to highlighting their scars as a calling card or a showing at performances.

Similar to the gladiators' war paints, dancers would utilize specialized paints upon themselves to create a variety of effects: trailing mirages, bold streaks, color shifts, gradients, fog trails, and so on. Some power couples and cohorts among them coordinate their own scarring and preferred effects to create memorizing and stunning visual masterpieces.

Those of the Artisanal Caste were/are very intimate between the fine line of passion and pain.

[evilkitten3]

My friend is getting top surgery next month, I'm very glad that he's getting that weight off his chest. Since you've been through it all ready, could I ask for some advice on supporting him through the recovery process?

absolutely.

make sure he has someone/thing to reach the top shelf. he's not gonna be raising his arms above his shoulders for a while

make sure the pharmacy prescribing the pain meds understands that they're for treating the pain from the surgery, not for gender dysphoria. otherwise they simply will not give you pain meds. they may not even tell you that they have not given you pain meds. i recommend against finding this out the exciting way like i did (side note: surprisingly not that bad most of the time)

if it's the same for him as it was for me, he'll be on a 5 pound weight limit for three weeks, and then a 25 pound limit for another three weeks. this is going to affect more than anyone involved will realize. if he's gonna need to move anything heavy any time soon, he should do that before surgery

i had to switch to tylenol instead of ibuprofen a few weeks pre-surgery bc ibuprofen can increase risk of bleeding. if he's an ibuprofen guy, he may want to grab some tylenol just in case

i've heard different people have different experiences with the drains. for some people, that's the worst part. for me, it was pretty simple (although my mom handled most of the measuring). if you aren't going to be involved with keeping them clear/measuring the goop, try to remember to glance down every now and then just in case a cap was screwed on wrong and too much air got in there. probably not gonna be a medical emergency but you wanna keep an eye on them so they'll do their job.

does he have a ride to and from the hospital? this is a very important question bc if the answer is no, the surgery simply will not happen. they just won't do it.

what i got specifically was a double mastectomy with free nipple grafts. if he's getting the same, i cannot stress enough that the nipples will look weird for a while. this is probably nothing to worry about. they're supposed to do that. if he's still worried, he should check in with the surgeon or another qualified expert, but probably they'll just say "it's ok keep an eye on it and if it hasn't healed in [x amount of time] come back then"

he is going to be constantly reminding that all your bits and pieces are connected to one another. even the bits you aren't thinking about. it's gonna be weird.

if he has a dog, offer to walk the dog for him (or help him find someone else who can do it). dogs do not understand the importance of the surgery recovery process. don't let overly enthusiastic dogs happen to you (or in this case your friend)

get a spare binder. not the chest kind, the abdominal kind. you might wanna wash the first one (this will likely be provided by the hospital) and it's better to have two.

speaking of binders, at some point the bandages will come off. the binder will still be required (or, more accurately, highly recommended). this was, for me, Absolute Sensory Hell. i recommend you make sure he's got a few light, loose shirts he can wear under the binder just in case

this didn't end up being relevant to me, but my surgeon recommended my mom buy some puppy training pads in case of accidents (accidents is a word which usually implies pee, but here means bleeding. sometimes there be blood)

if he has cats, he's gonna need to be careful not to let them step on his chest. cats do not like being told where they can or can't step. i hope he has more willpower than i do

quite likely, he's already aware of a good chunk of this. your first step - and possibly only step - is to ask if there's anything he needs from you. if he's got things under control, have faith in him.

brace yourself for how happy he's gonna be once he sees himself topless after the drains come out and the bandages come off. i was pretty much bouncing over my reflection. the euphoria is real.

[carbon--14]

two years here! i started my first year on the gel before switching to injections, so i’m about at the 1.5 year expectation mark as well. some notable things from me:

hair changes. my hair is wavier, thicker, and coarser than it was pre-t. it’s also much oilier and i have to wash it once a day otherwise it looks like i haven’t bathed in a week.

i had scalp irritation in the early days of my hair changing. a LOT of it. your hair physically gets thicker and coarser very quickly and it can make your scalp not happy.

your skin will get oily as well. get some good quality face soap that won’t irritate your skin, you’ll need it.

my acne has been SERIOUS. i had minimal acne pre-t and now have breakouts all over my back and face all the time, despite washing my face twice a day and using a retinol face lotion to deal with the discoloration. i am seriously considering going on accutane once i get the OK post-op. this is largely genetic so it may not be an issue for you, i inherited it from my dad.

the stinkiness subsides after a while. in my early days the BO was awful by the end of the day even with deodorant. now that’s not so much the case.

i didn’t experience the vocal change pain, and my fatigue was milder, but still very much there. my voice is also still changing a lot and hasn’t dropped a ton, though.

METABOLISM CHANGES. i am hungry all the time. after switching to injections i was ABSOLUTELY RAVENOUS FOR PROTEIN to the point where i was eating peanut butter out of the jar and shredding costco rotisserie chicken straight out of the fridge for a snack. if you’re eating a lot more, don’t be surprised. your body’s going crazy.

the fat and muscle redistribution is a very slow process. you will not notice your changes until very far down the line. and keep in mind that t cannot fix bone structure— i have wide hips and always will. but my thighs have slimmed, my chest, shoulders, and jawline are broader, and i’ve started storing fat around my belly instead of my hips.

speaking of which, i have been going through periods of weight gain and loss that fluctuate! any physical activity causes me to lose weight and build muscle much quicker than before t, but then i lose it fast too. but i was the same way growing up.

i actually grew about an inch, somehow! i don’t think that’s common.

i didn’t get noticeable facial hair until recently and it’s patchy. if you’re looking for that, shave regularly. it’ll grow back in darker and thicker as you do.

as for the bottom growth and libido changes, they are some of the first things to happen and they are quite intense. as in, i was a sex-repulsed aroace before t and now i am not. the process is uncomfortable and weird. but also different for everyone!

IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCE NOTICEABLE INCREASED ANGER OR YOU’RE BECOMING TESTY, YOUR DOSAGE IS TOO HIGH AND YOU NEED TO CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR. T SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU ANGRY ALL THE TIME. this happened to me when i upped my dosage from 2 pumps a day to 3 while on the gel. i would get pissed off and snap way easier than before, to the point where i was being a total dick to my mom. turned out that my t level was so high that my body was converting it into estrogen. this was actually why i ended up switching to injections. always be able to get in contact with a doctor and get your hormone levels checked every few months.

t gel is extremely uncomfortable if you have sensory issues, as it feels like putting hand sanitizer on your shoulders. it also has a cross-contamination risk so you need to be careful about who comes in contact with your clothes, bedding, etc. it’s also slower. it does work, but it takes much longer.

t injections are very easy and largely painless. i got training from my doctor on how to do it properly. takes 5 mins and i usually don’t bleed! personally i think subcutaneous is the way to go: smaller needle, less soreness, and you can do it in your stomach instead of your thigh.

hey. trans guys on T. can you tell me what effects i should expect. i need to know for reasons

[necropsittacus]

for the ask thing, all the ones you have an interesting answer for

this is extremely long because I Love Oversharing so under a cut. thanks britta!!!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?tea, black; i've tried putting extra spices in it but i think i'm not doing it right bc it gets grainy and weird? i don't drink coffee anymore for "hey maybe we should stop consuming this thing that makes us feel like we're actually about to die" reasons but when i did it was with a fuckton of cream5. are you self-conscious of your smile?yeah; less so since i actually brush my teeth semi routinely now, so they're less awful, but i still have a slight overbite and a residual habit of covering my mouth with my hand if i open it very much 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?either weird vent fanfiction that i never end up finishing, drawing in my notebooks, or i try to make the overly dramatic/pretentious thoughts that pop into my head into poetry (which i never end up finishing, go figure).9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?used to, but it's like. even besides insecurity about my voice and the fear that i'll be Too Loud and bother someone. the same internal barrier that makes it hard to speak out loud, especially if i'm not directly prompted to, applies to singing10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?usually side, and in the fetal position. occasionally back though13: what’s something that made you smile today?saw a chickadee!14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?god i don't know that's like. that's the fucking dream, for the future, but i hadn't gotten as far as daydreaming about *decoration* or anything of that sort. at the moment i tend towards covering things in movie posters and little trinkets i accumulate and toys and that sort of thing. i know i couldn't do sharing a room with someone else long term, it'd get stressy, so at least two bedrooms (or a bedroom and a pull out couch in the living room, that'd work), a little kitchen. no minimalism, but i might like having primary responsibility for Housecleaning sorts of things for my loved ones, or keeping things reasonably neat. just. something that feels like a proper home. safe. 16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?i am extremely boring and usually just do fettuccine alfredo. that said, cheese ravioli and pesto products are also very good. i just don't like super complicated foods with ingredients i don't recognize, or red sauce. red sauce is Sensory Bad.  17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?i mean i've been dyeing mine black since i was like 17 to the point that people think that's the natural color and i just let them, and honestly i'm very happy with thatred looked good on me, and i definitely like the way a lot of those super bright unnatural purples, blues, etc look on other people but it doesn't feel like "yes this is Correct this is what i'm Supposed to Look Like, this is the color it was *supposed* to be all along" in the same way, it just feels like i'm dyeing it a weird color for fun18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up."mola mola isn't a slur, right?"20: what’s your favorite eye color?idk about "favorite" but dark brown eyes are really pretty22: are you a morning person?i tend to be more productive and (assuming at least like five or six hours of sleep) more cheerful in the morning, but getting out of bed is a horrible struggle bc executive dysfunction and anxiety23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?tbh i HATE having those days, i don't like being super busy Either but i get really like bored/restless/I Am Going to Rip My Skin Off to Have Something to Do Please Let Me Out of the House if i genuinely don't have anything scheduled for a day? so i usually *make* obligations for myself, writing projects or something like that, if i don't have anything externally enforced. and go to the library or a cafe or something bc i feel more alive if i don't stay in my room all day24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?yeah26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?i mean i've only had them for like a year bc it turns out that wearing the same pair of shoes almost every day wears through them pretty fast, who would have thought? but black combat boots28: sunrise or sunset?sunset31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.they hurt but i p much only wear boots so i have to wear them all the time. also my feet are weird and fucked up and i don’t especially like looking at them. and then i forget to take them off to sleep so i just. wear them all the time except to shower. i like weird socks with like animal pictures or whatever but then i feel bad abt wearing them bc i wear out socks really fast for unclear reasons34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?ooh i had a lot!! most of them were sea mammals, a couple sharks i think? i had a couple rabbits when i was Really small but i don't remember them as clearlyi can't remember most of their names but they had whole like imagined stories and relationships to each other and shit, i definitely remember there was one stuffed orca that was almost as big as kindergartener me35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?oh absolutely!! i write mostly in pencil for ease of corrections and so it doesn't bleed through the paper, but i accumulate pens/weird ink colors/etc37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?see i *prefer* having my room be clean but it literally never is 39: what color do you wear the most?black. combination of "trying to be low effort goth" and that idk how to coordinate colors so all my outfits are either all black or like. black + one other color + possibly grey, bc i figure there's no way that could end up clashing horribly. also i only HAVE black pants anyway so like. 41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?mm i know accident by christa wolf hit me pretty hard in some emotions, and that was recent44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?i'm not sure that's an emotion i have tbhwhen i'm happy there's this kind of anxious edge to it, not necessarily in a bad way, but "at peace" is. an odd concept for me. the closest i get is this sort of quiet not-exactly-negative melancholy if i'm not behind on anything and it's raining and everything's just sort of soft yknow? 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?marinara sauce. i hate that shit. i'll eat it on pizza or if i literally have to in order to get a meal and i can't physically handle not having one, but that's about it. also tomatoes more generally! i like ketchup but that's it. why do yall insist on putting tomatoes on everything all the time i Don't Like Them50: what’s an odd thing you collect?i keep all the toys i get out of kinder eggs and stuff like that. also i just have hyperempathy about inanimate objects and animals (and basically no empathy for humans most of the time, weirdly enough) and it's frequently difficult for me to throw things away because "well i'll be hurting it!" so uh. i just accumulate objects. i still have my old toothbrush somewhere55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?i straight up tried to kill myself to win an argument with mom once in high school. and i'm not talking like a mini fakeout attempt that wasn't supposed/expected to work, either, i did regret it but i was straight up prepared to die to get her to believe me 56: what are some things you find endearing in people?rambling/talking about your interests, emotional openness. if you like. send me things that reminded you of me/you thought i'd like, or initiate physical contact so i don't have to feel so weird/guilty about it, that's a very fast path to my affections. just being weird as shit. lots of little things, really. depends on the person a lot, though; either "person is Soft and Good and i feel like it's my responsibility to protect them" or "person is Kind of Scary/Edgy and i will attach myself to them and remain loyal no matter what and they appreciate it" are pretty consistent things, but those are a long way from the Only paths to my affection58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?awfully bold of you to assume i have a friend group and not just a disparate group of friends who mostly don't talk to each other. i AM semi consistently the weird vodka uncle though. 59: what’s your favorite myth?LOTS. that's not quite a fair question i can't pick one favoritethe volsunga saga does come to mind, though60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?i do!!! i thought i didn't because turns out the things they make you read in high school english are often Not Terribly Emotionally Resonant for me, funnily enough, but when i started reading russian poetry in college, and more mental illness focused stuff tbh, it was like Oh Shit This Is Really Cool. i really like vladimir mayakovsky!61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?when i was really small i gave my dad a  care bears coloring book for his birthday because for some reason i didn't process that other people didn't have exactly the same interests as me??62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?i drink either unsweetened green tea or monster energy drinks in the morning. depends how much of a disaster i'm being on that particular day. 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?all my music is online or haphazardly downloaded to my phone so there's. not really any way to organize that if i wanted to tbh. i make a lot of character or ship playlists that i'd put more effort into organizing if i ever got around to showing them to other people, but Also anything that isn't too embarrassing to risk anyone else seeing just gets put in one folder. i DO organize my books, though. i usually *forget* to put them back where they're supposed to go, but there is a proper order (everything from one author or franchise together, stuff like star wars or tolkien is together and in in-universe chronological order, stuff like that), and i get upset if people fuck with it67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?nice. it's very calming, and also bright sunlight hurts my eyes fjgshtf68: what’s winter like where you live?not very different from fall most of the time. climate change is making it more midwest-y, which i'm not sure if i'm happy about or not (snow nice, but summer is also progressing in that direction, which is unfortunate). somewhere between the 30's and 50's (fahrenheit), mostly pretty grey, it rains sometimes. it's not cold enough that i need to have a real coat, usually sweater+leather jacket is enough. my hands always hurt, though70: have you ever used a ouija board?yeah i used to do it with my brother sometimes. nothing ever happened tho76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?i need to write my paper proposal for nuclear lit and also draw some stuff for people that i've been putting off because my brain hates me and Catching Up On Everything I Should Have Been Doing a While Ago Is Scary77: pink or yellow lemonade?both? both is good78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?i have no real feelings on minions one way or the other but i have no interest in them and don't like seeing them all the time79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?someone i used to know was going to move away from their abusers and get a job and such, partly or mostly For Me, so we could run away and start things over together after i graduated. and then things blew up but. it was very sweet and sometimes i get emotional about the concept of that still 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?three white, one blue. i didn't choose it, it came with the dorm room. my bedroom in my parents house has really dark blue walls, which i DID choose bc i wanted a dark color and my brother already had red ones and i wanted to distinguish myself from him. 82: are/were you good in school?mmm more or less, yes i'm terrible at certain kinds of projects and at getting stuff done without pretty much devastating my physical ability to function pushing myself at the last minute. that said, i'm very good at tests, good at papers, good at language learning and bullshit analysis. it's just like. PLEASE don't give me "fun creative projects!!!" or start with the "oh well tests aren't a good way of measuring learning, here's some other stuff that will be easier for you!" thing. i *like* tests. tests make sense and it's just sit down for an hour and you're done. it's the other stuff that's hard also i'm so used to my mother's ridiculous standards that it's like. yes i am good at school, in that my professors keep telling me i am Very Smart and things of that nature. but also i am terrible at taking care of myself while i have school because me being good at school is to some extent reliant on my brain's false insistence that Everybody Else Has Perfect Grades and Is Killing Themselves Slowly To Be The Best, so clearly we need to do that too! and any sacrifice is worth it! so eventually i just collapse84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?yeah definitely, at some point. there's other things that are more pressing to spend my limited amount of non-parent-controlled money on right now, but i know i want like. some manner of thing referencing my chronic turin turambar (self dx) status, probably his grave inscription or a sword (or both eventually!). probably also a bird of some sort85: do you read comics? what are your faves?see i'll happily read comics if there's a franchise i'm already interested in that has comics as part of it, but i'm not like a Comics Fan per se. i tend to find them kind of overwhelming because there's just So Much content and i don't know where to start and i usually get distracted before i finish. i did really enjoy mtmte and the tdc creation myths comics89: are you close to your parents?nope! i send my dad animal pictures, and vice versa, and that's about the extent of it when i'm not staying with them for breaks. mom's...Difficult(TM) and dad i get along with fine but i don't really know how to text him 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?drowns. i want to be able to actually taste it.93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?my hair is too short to really have Different Styles. i just keep it combed pretty neatly bc that's the only thing i know how to do afngjdsgf94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?my friend emma @autisticsansamaybe people i care less about had them more recently but tbh if we aren't friends i don't know when your birthday is without being told96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?i have literally never updated this laptop because it does not have space for an update. this isn't even my fault. i have deleted *every single thing on it that is not important to make it actually run* in order to have enough space to update, and it STILL doesn't. 100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?a few months ago i would have said 5 years into the past, because i Desperately missed aspects of how my life was at that part of high school--mostly having people i loved and who loved me, who wanted a future with me, and the certainty of that, that i wouldn't just be On My Own Forever post educational system--but now? future. high school fucking *sucked* in a lot of ways, and also i was a terrible person and i don't especially want to go back to that version of me. future is like...scary because yeah there is a decent possibility i'll just be pretty much totally alone and having to work a job i hate to keep up, but like. there is also a possibility that i'll have the things i wanted all along in a more stable context, yknow?

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Forty Six

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

March 18th, 2019

Dee looked at everyone in the room in the courthouse with confusion. They were smiling and laughing and chatting like they had done this a million times before. They hadn’t done it a million times, but they had done it three, so maybe they were just that familiar with each other.

Whatever the reason, he was uncomfortable being slightly dressed up and just standing around in court doing nothing. He clung to Remy’s leg like his life depended on it, and when they finally started talking about signing papers, Dee felt relief flood through him. Even if this meant he couldn’t go back to Mama, he wouldn’t be stuck in this courthouse forever.

And anyway, if Mama left him, didn’t that mean that this new family taking him in was a good thing?

March 18th, 2020

Dee was happy enough that he was jumping up and down and flapping his hands like mad. He was wearing his adult villain gloves, because he had outgrown his old ones but Dad got him these so that he didn’t have to go without villain gloves at all. These he just had to grow into.

They were at his favorite pizza place, the one that knew his particular preferences for pizza and didn’t give him or his family weird looks when they ordered a white pizza with extra cheese and sausage. It was the anniversary of his adoption, and while he had gotten a mini-party two weeks before with his family for his seventh birthday, Lucy wasn’t able to come and have dinner with them like he had hoped. But today, Dad and Ami had talked with Lucy’s moms, and they all had agreed that they would meet here, as a belated birthday celebration in addition to his adoption anniversary.

As soon as they walked through the door, Lucy exclaimed, “Dee!” and ran over to hug him.

He hugged back, tight, before taking off his gloves and shoving them in his coat pockets so he could sign. “I’m so glad you came!”

“Well, of course!” Lucy signed back. “I was super sad I couldn’t do it on your birthday, but this is almost as good!”

Dee grinned and flapped his hands before signing, “It’s better! Because this is the reason why I know you in the first place!”

Lucy frowned. “What do you mean?” she signed.

“Well, if I hadn’t been adopted by Dad and Ami, I wouldn’t be going to school with you!” Dee explained.

“Oh!” Lucy said out loud. “Yeah, I’m really glad you got to be adopted, then!”

Dee nodded. He was really glad too, and he didn’t want to think about where he would be if he weren’t with Dad and Ami. It definitely was not a pleasant thought. Would Mama have stopped taking pills? Would he have had to talk to way more police people? Would he have been taken away anyway, only this time he wouldn’t have been with Dad and Ami? He didn’t know, and that really scared him. Hence why he didn’t think about it often, if at all.

Lucy tapped his arm and Dee looked up at her from where he found himself staring at the floor. “You okay?” she signed.

Dee smiled softly. “Yeah. Just started thinking about not nice things.”

“Oh,” Lucy said, nodding her understanding. “Yeah, that’s no fun,” she agreed. “Do you want to find a table with my moms and your family?”

“Yeah,” Dee agreed, and the two immediately looked for a table that could house the ten of them.

When they found a likely candidate, everyone sat down and, because the customers were allowed to seat themselves, a waitress came right over with a bright smile. “Hello there! How can I help you tonight?”

“Hi, we’re going to be ordering...” Ami trailed off, before signing at Lucy’s moms. At their response he said, “We’ll be ordering three pizzas. Two large ones, regular sauce, pepperoni on one half and veggie lover’s on the other, the second one plain cheese on one half and green peppers and black olives on the other, and then a small, white sauce, extra cheese and sausage.”

The waitress laughed. “Oh, you must be the Picani’s! The manager talks about you a lot. Usually to say why you should never judge someone for their pizza order, because you come here often and tip well because no one else takes the order seriously.”

“That’s us,” Ami said cheerfully. “We’re here with a school friend of the youngest. He’s very excited about it.”

Dee noticed that one of Lucy’s moms was translating what Ami was saying for the other. When the waitress left, the conversation moved solely into the sign language territory. Mostly introductions, explaining who was who to one another. Lucy’s mom who was Deaf, who was wearing a denim jacket tonight, smiled and signed, “Your ASL is amazing for only knowing it one year.”

Logan signed back, “Well, Dad and I have had more practice than one year, but my teacher has said that my signing improved greatly since Dee joined the family. Full-immersion does wonders in learning a new language. And since Dee only would speak when he knew we wouldn’t know the sign and no one was around to translate, it really was like full-immersion.”

Lucy signed, “That’s really cool! I didn’t realize most of you didn’t know sign before! You’re naturals!”

“Not really,” Roman signed with a laugh. “My sign was terrible for the longest time. I constantly had to ask Dee to slow down, and I still do when he fingerspells. But I’ve been getting better.”

Ami lightly waved his hand and signed, “Before the food comes, we have a gift for Dee to celebrate his adoption.”

Dee was surprised, thought he didn’t know why. He had gotten presents on his birthday, both from the family and from Lucy. But he forgot that he might get a gift on his adoption.

Dad passed over a small bag to Dee and Dee took it gingerly. He sifted through the paper and found a pair of earbuds, which he played with for a few seconds before sifting through the paper more at Ami’s encouragement. He pulled out a small-ish rectangular device that sort of reminded him of a phone, except it had a circle where the keys would be, and the screen was small. “What is it?” he signed.

Ami and Dad both laughed, and Lucy’s moms were cracking a smile. “I never thought I would see the day,” Ami signed. “It’s called an iPod. It stores music and podcasts and stuff so you can play it whenever you like.”

Dee blinked a few times, before putting the earbuds into the iPod and then his own ears. “What do I do to start the music?” he asked.

“You see the symbols of the sideways triangle and the two little lines? Press that,” Dad signed.

Dee did so and his eyes widened as he recognized one of the songs that Logan liked to listen to, one of the few that he was allowed to play without headphones around Dee, and the one that was Dee’s absolute favorite of Logan’s songs. He took out one of the earbuds, surprised that he couldn’t hear the music in that ear anymore, before putting it back in. He grinned. “Cool!” he signed.

“Ami and I found that in the basement in one of the moving boxes, and we cleared out what little music was still on it before downloading songs we knew you liked,” Dad signed. “We figured it could help some in crowds. It’s not the same as noise-cancelling headphones, but it still will give you something to focus on.”

Dee grinned wide and signed “Thank you” over and over again. Then, “Can I keep them in while we eat?”

“Well, yeah, if you want,” Ami signed. “We’re all going to be signing anyway, so you won’t be missing out on any of the conversation.”

Dee flapped his hands excitedly and slid the iPod into his pocket. Lucy was grinning at him. “That looks like it was a really good gift!” she signed.

“It is!” Dee exclaimed. “And on my birthday Dad and Ami found a weighted blanket in my size! They know all of my sensory problems and they help with them, instead of telling me that I need to get over them, like some of the mean kids at school do!”

“That’s great!” Lucy signed. “I’m really happy for you!”

Dee nodded. “They also help Logan when he has similar problems.”

“What?” Logan signed. “I don’t have those sorts of problems, do I?”

“You don’t buy certain shirts or pants because they ‘feel wrong,’ you can’t stand certain music because ‘the lyrics don’t sound right,’ you can’t touch chalkboards with any part of exposed skin, nevermind fingernails, without squeezing your hands repeatedly until you can run your fingers under water or on something that ‘feels better,’” Dad supplied. “You do all of this without realizing it, but yeah, Logan, you have sensory issues.”

Logan looked momentarily stunned. “Oh,” he said, out loud. “I didn’t realize...” he started to sign, but his hands drifted down as his thought process trailed off. “I don’t know.”

The pizza came while Logan was still brooding over this fact, and the conversation moved to lighter topics. Lucy and Dee talked a lot about school when they weren’t eating their slices of pizza, Roman talked about how the school play was coming up in April and how he had most of his lines down but the blocking kept tripping him up, and Patton and Virgil talked a lot about the books they were reading. Virgil adored Animorphs and Patton was still enjoying The Magic Tree House whenever he could.

Eventually, Logan joined in on the conversation again, when Lucy’s moms asked Logan and Dad where they had learned to sign. They signed an hour-long conversation, and when all of the pizza was eaten and their drinks gone, Dee was starting to yawn as one of Virgil’s slow songs came on the iPod, acting like a lullaby. “We should probably head out,” Dad signed. “I think Dee’s a little too tired for dessert.”

“I’m not tired,” Dee protested, before yawning again.

“You’d fall asleep face-first into whatever dessert you had,” Roman signed with a grin.

Dee whined in protest but didn’t do anything else outside rub his eyes. He was tired, and it had to be getting close to eight, but that didn’t mean he wanted to go home and get ready for bed.

“We should be going, too,” Lucy’s other mom, the one who was wearing bright pink lipstick, signed. “Lucy will need to go to bed soon. It is a school night, after all.”

Lucy tilted her head back and groaned, before hugging Dee. When she pulled apart, she signed, “I had fun tonight.”

“Same,” Dee signed.

“Oh, and do you like the book Mom found for you? There aren’t a lot of kid’s books out there with characters who are mute, so I hope just finding one who was autistic is okay...”

Dee smiled. “I love it a lot, Lucy. It’s nice to read, especially when the bullies give me a hard time.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Lucy signed.

Everyone stood, and after Dad and Ami left two twenties on the table, they all walked outside and went their separate ways in the parking lot. Dee was a little sad, even though he knew that he would see Lucy tomorrow. He had sorta hoped that tonight would never end.

“Chin up, Dee,” Virgil said as they all got in the van. “You get to listen to your music a little while longer before you have to go to bed.”

“And you get to see your best friend tomorrow!” Patton chirped.

“Not to mention that just because tonight is over, doesn’t mean we’re not going to be here tomorrow,” Roman added.

“And while it might seem unfair to cut the night short, we really should get back home. If you want, we could read the book Lucy got you again before bed,” Logan offered.

Dee yawned again and nodded. That sounded really nice. Ami drove out of the parking lot and started the trip home, and as one song bled into the next in Dee’s ears, he leaned back and tried to let himself relax, just a little, just enough that maybe he could have an easier time sleeping tonight. After all, his family was here, and they would keep him safe and love him ‘til the end of time. He had been here a year and they hadn’t disappointed him yet.

Virgil gently grabbed Dee’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Dee looked over in confusion. “Just...you know that we’re not gonna leave you for anything, right?” Virgil asked. “The only thing that would make me not be able to talk to you anymore is if one of us died. And that’s not gonna happen for years and years.”

Dee nodded. “I know, Virgil. Thanks,” he signed.

“I love you,” Virgil murmured. “I want to make sure you know that, because I don’t say it often.”

“I know,” Dee signed again. “I love you too.”

After Virgil nodded and Dee started to relax again, he was asleep before they even hit the next red light.

[frgt-me-not]

Angelic ~ Find your own happiness

Previous part // Part 30 // Next part

(Words: ~1600)

Hey Park,

How are you doing? I hope you’re doing good. Please tell me you’re doing okay.

I’ve vowed to myself not to make this sappy because I know you’ve always made fun of it in movies, but it seems like I won’t be able to keep that promise.

There are a lot of promises I haven’t been able to keep now that I think about it. Which is the reason why I’m going to start with an apology. Do you remember a couple of years ago when I accidentally knocked over the picture of you and your mom and the glass shattered? I never got to apologize for that because you got so angry, I couldn’t get a word in. And I know now after many years of thinking that episode over that you weren’t angry because I’d broken the glass because the glass really didn’t matter. You weren’t mad at me at all. I realize that you were angry at her, no matter how many times you told me that you loved her that one night. You were angry because she left you with nothing but a memory of happiness. No, I refuse to call it a memory. She left you with a hope of happiness. Ever since I realized this, I’ve been trying my best to give you that happiness, and therefore I’m sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry because here I am taking it all away.

I never wanted to make you anything less than happy because you were and are the most important thing in my life, and I wanted to protect you the best I could. But I can’t.

My second apology is going to be a little harder to get out, even if I don’t have to say the words out loud. (also, I’m sorry if my tears are staining the paper).

I’m sorry I never told you that I love you.

It’s not like I never got the chance, I’ve had so many chances, but I never took any of them. If there has ever been anything, I’ve wanted more than to be with you as more than just friends, then I have no idea what it is.

If I have to come clean, I’ve loved you since the first time Jungkook brought you home when I was twelve. Or, maybe I didn’t love you then, but I definitely had a massive crush on you, but you never seemed to notice that. I didn’t mind that you didn’t notice me because I liked watching you from a distance.

I’d never even considered the possibility that you might one day notice me. And I’d definitely never imagined you noticing me when I was covered in paint from every color of the rainbow. To be honest I’d dreamed about going to prom with some other guy and then the moment I walked into the room the light would be on us, just as every student would turn their head. And then you would be there, in the middle of the crowd and bathed in the limelight. You’d walk up to me and ask for a dance and we’d dance as if we were stuck in a Disney movie, like Cinderella, I guess. I mean a girl can dream, right?

But I actually like our way a little more, it was just the right kind of perfect for me. When I think about it it’s probably hard not hard to notice someone completely covered in paint, but it wasn’t just that you looked at me, because you’d looked at me a lot of times. But it was the fact that that time, it was different. I’m pretty sure no one was ever going to look at me like you did that day. It was one of the best days of my life. You have no idea how happy it made me that you laughed at me, which sounds weird, but hear me out.

You laughed as if I was the funniest thing in the world, and you smiled at me – you know that I’ve never been able to resist your smile. You helped me wash the paint off, sort of. You washed it off my hands and helped me clean it off my face.

And then I told you that Jungkook was the one who’d thrown all of my acrylic paint at me, and you’d believed me enough to start yelling at him. You didn’t talk for an entire week and it was because of me. I felt horrible for doing that to you both, but I was also absolutely overwhelmed by happiness because you had stood up for me, which meant you must like me in some way – but the happiness made me feel even worse about the whole situation.

You can probably guess by now that I did it to myself. I did it because I was mad that day, especially at myself because I didn’t know how to handle things, which is a big statement considering I’d only just turned seventeen.

I never told you about that either, that I was struggling with a lot of things. I’ve realized now that I shouldn’t have hidden everything inside myself, but also that everything I was feeling wasn’t my fault and I was stupid for punishing myself.

But it’s funny, isn’t it? That even though I’ve realized this, what is it I’m doing right now?

Anyway, back to the story, otherwise I’ll just start crying again... I’d been throwing paint (among other things) for “stress relief” purposes, but I’d ended up covering myself in the process and I just didn’t have the courage to tell you that I’d done it myself. I thought you were going to ask questions, which I wouldn’t be able to answer. I’ve later learned that you don’t ask questions unless you know that I’m okay with answering them. Thank you for that.

I told everyone that both you, Jungkook and I got accepted to the same college. But since I’ve chosen to be truthful in this letter, I better tell you something… I never sent my application. When we went out to celebrate, I was secretly just celebrating you and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that I hadn’t applied because you were so happy that day. You were smiling brighter than ever.

Tonight is the night of your going-away party. I’m going to come because you asked me to, but I won’t be able to stay for long. I’ll tell you congratulations once more and I’ll kiss your cheek when no one is looking, just like I always have. I promise I’ll hug you and say ‘See you around, Park’ exactly like we always do.

If I don’t see you tonight then it’ll be one of my greatest regrets, but I’m sure we will because we always find each other in a crowded room.

I’d hoped writing this letter to you would somehow make the pain in my heart go away and I’d feel a little less guilty about leaving. But life never works out the way you want it to. I know I should probably tell you why I’m leaving, shouldn’t I? But I’m not sure I can, I only wrote this to give you some clarification that I didn’t leave because of you or because of anything you did. I left because of me. And before you accuse me of being a cliché, this isn’t one of those ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ situations because that’s dumb. Besides, those kinds of clichés mean goodbye, and this isn’t a goodbye. At least I hope it isn’t.

I hope we’ll cross each other’s paths one day and we can smile at each other as we pass. I hope you find someone better than me. Someone who can give you the happiness your mother wanted you to have. Someone who you can talk to and someone who can tell you everything.

I want to tell you that I love you again, but that would be selfish of me, and I don’t want to be selfish anymore, which is why I’m leaving. I’m sick and tired of being selfish and keeping you to myself when you deserve so much more than I can give you.

I’m going to stop writing now because we have to leave for your party, but before I do, I have one more thing to say.

You told me once when you were very drunk that your mom used to tell you this: ‘Don’t worry baby, Mommy’s going to be okay, please don’t worry about me’ every time she was feeling particularly ill, and you noticed. I never told you that you said it because it was my own little secret that reminded me of loving you.

But I think I’m going to say it today.

Park Jimin, you’ll always have my heart, so don’t worry, I’m going to be okay. Please promise me you won’t worry about me. Always continue to move forward.

Find your own happiness,

y/n

I rest my fist against my forehead as I finish the letter, trying my hardest to ignore the burning feeling behind my eyes.

I do remember the night I told her about my mom, but I had pretended like I didn’t.

It looks like both of us had been keeping secrets.

“What are you doing here?” Someone asks, and I’m sure I’m just imagining that it’s her voice, until I look up and meet her confused eyes.

Masterlist: here  Ask box: here  Playlist: here

@books-netflix @namiiy @jjksbabybun @aesthetically-nonpleasing @ibelievein-goats @attaeboy @ilikeyoo-ngi @lovemusicn1d @rokathryn @goldngguk @taeandakookiewsuga @conslack @momdancingtomcr @bts-enthusiasts @jiminsbitchface @softyfor-sweaterpaws @decaffeinated1amwriting @a-lovers-discourse-ended @elena-0707-blog @moonfairyjoon @bts-lys @minniestudies @mar00nz @mochiilaudiaaa @dreamy-despairity @babybluebisexual @sensories

[lightandwinged]

Short version: Isaac is being evaluated for ASD. Yay.

So!

The twins have been developmentally delayed their entire lives because that’s what happens when you’re born six weeks early. You were supposed to do six more weeks on the inside, you popped out, you’re not ready to breathe or eat or be alive yet, so even four months after you’re born, you end up looking like fatty tumor gremlins with faces instead of human infants:

We’ve had Early Intervention working with them since Isaac was about 3-4 months old because he had a condition called torticollis, which basically meant that he could not turn his head except to the right because of how he was positioned in my uterus (read: with his sister sitting on his head). They’ve both made really great progress throughout their course of therapies, and for the most part, they’re about where they should be without even adjusting for their prematurity.

Or, well. Carrie is.

Isaac had been my rock star, surging ahead in his development and leaving Carrie in the dust, and then he... just wasn’t. What I really noticed, though, was the stimming. He rocks, almost violently at times, and does it all. the. time. And to some extent, young kids all rock--it’s an interesting sensation, they like to stimulate the inner ear, it’s good times. 

Isaac, though, did it a lot. And while I figured “eh, it’s probably nothing” because he is very sweet and social, Early Intervention offered to do an evaluation of him just in case. 

The first evaluation was the Autism Screening Questionnaire, or ASQ. On that one, a score of 0-50(ish? it seems wrong, but that’s what I remember?) is little concern, 50-65 is moderate concern, and 65+ is qualified for the next stage of testing. Carrie had the test because it’s just standard at the evaluation closest to the 18 month mark, and she scored a 30--not even close to autistic. 

Isaac, meanwhile, scored a 95.

What struck me about the ASQ was how many items were things I’d never have considered, things like his absolute lack of a sense of stranger danger or his always stiff muscles or his alternating bouts of constipation and diarrhea. I knew we’d have questions about stimming and eye contact and socialization, but the other items took me by surprise. 

So scoring high on the ASQ qualified him for the M-CHAT, which he’s not technically supposed to have until he’s 18 months (they’re 16 months yesterday), but he scored high enough there that the Early Intervention autism specialist is coming out to do her own eval one of these days to see if he should be fast tracked into the UMass diagnosis program or if we can just add our names to the (very, very, VERY long) list. 

I have a bunch of feelings on the whole thing, most of which are preventing me from even dipping a toe into any group for parents of kids with autism.

First, I’m not even slightly surprised because I’m (not officially diagnosed, but still) on the spectrum, both my parents are on the spectrum, my sister and brother are both on the spectrum, so it would’ve been weirder if none of my kids even had anything besides tendencies. Sam’s in the clear, with nothing to even suggest autism besides dietary issues; Carrie’s in the same boat. But Isaac has always struck me as having that sort of familiar weirdness, like looking into a slightly distorted mirror and seeing my own quirks reflected back at me. 

Which brings me to the second part, that I’m glad he’s my kid and not the kid of a neurotypical parent. It sounds awful to say it that way, but it’s like... I get how his brain is working, what’s behind things like stimming and lacking stranger danger and communication delays; and I get it because that’s how my brain works. So that’s a twofold feeling: glad that if he is autistic, he’s got a mom whose brain works the same way his does; and glad that if he is autistic, I’ve got a kid whose brain works the same way mine does.

And third, even though I don’t want him to have to deal with the obnoxiousness of life with autism (like being so tired at the end of the day from consciously processing so many bits of sensory input that neurotypical people just filter automatically), I’m hoping he scores high enough on his next evaluation to get him into the UMass screening program sooner rather than later, just to let us know one way or another. If he doesn’t score high enough, the wait could be months or years; if he IS autistic, I want to be able to give him what he needs even before that point, whether it’s noise cancelling headphones or just a signal to let us know when he needs a break or is feeling overstimulated; and if he’s NOT autistic, I want to be able to put the matter to bed sooner rather than later.

And FOURTH, I’m afraid of two things: first of him having therapists who will force bullshit like ABA on him and second of Autism Moms (TM). I don’t want to adjust his behavior and make him act more neurotypical; I DO want him to learn coping skills so that if he’s overstimulated or having a hard time, he can help himself, even if I’m not around to help him. I want him to understand the quirks in his brain and be able to work with them instead of fighting against them. And I’m afraid of coming up against brick walls where that’s concerned because everyone will want to force him into a neurotypical mold and I just cannot do that to my baby. He is who he is; he needs people to teach him coping skills, not people to force him into being someone he isn’t.

And related to that, AUTISM MOMS. Every time I encounter one in the wild, it ends up getting ugly, usually with me being like “look, little Brexitleigh has autism, which doesn’t change the fact that THEY ARE A PERSON AND HAVE EMOTIONS, which means that your comment of ‘I wouldn’t wish my autistic child on my worst enemy’ WAS A REALLY DICKISH THING TO SAY.” And then they claim that I don’t understand autism and can’t possibly be anything near to autistic and blah blah blah.

I am all about the parenting village, but I swear to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that if I have to deal with Autism Moms (TM) at any point in this journey, I’m going to absolutely lose it and destroy something.

So that’s where we are.

[askemilydeanyo]

Hello, yes. We had a threesome.

Before I start, I’d like to say that for the bulk majority of my life, I have identified as a relatively jealous person. Not jealous in a comparative way, but in a “tell me everything about your past, in detail, and then comfort me when I get upset about it because I will get upset” kind of way. That being said, when my urge to have a threesome crept up, I was honestly taken off guard. Imagining my partner with other people in the past used to make me queasy, but suddenly thinking of them with someone else was making me seriously horny. What the fuck was going on? I’ll paint the scene for you:

I was on the front porch eating strawberries, reading my final pages of Karley Sciortino’s Slutever, when it first came over me. In a lascivious daze, I looked up to my partner, then cutting the grass, and said: “Do you want to have a threesome?” to which they plainly responded, “Yeah, sure.” So like any self-proclaimed horny millennial sex aficionado, I immediately took to Instagram. (Obviously, I realize that not everybody can hop on their social media account and solicit for a sex partner, but I have a majority of family blocked and let’s be real they are all pretty aware of my sluttiness, so it seemed plausible to me.)

My request, posted in typewriter font over a photo of my leather flogger, simply stated: “Seeking a third for play *devil emoji*.” And voilà, just like that, she was baited. I will say, I got about 9 responses in total, but none of the others quite fit the description. We didn’t want anyone we knew too close, anyone we didn’t know at all, or anyone younger than me. I suppose this is my first tip, being that it might take a while for you and your partner to find someone that you are both attracted to, and it is both okay and encouraged to allow yourselves to be choosey (like, sure it only took us about 3 hours, but I’d say we are an anomaly to the rule.) I know a lot of people take to bars, or get on Tinder, or hire a sex worker, and I think those are excellent options for certain kinds of people, but we didn’t want to just pick from a sea of faces, we wanted to have some sort of connection to our third.

So, when she slid into my DM’s, we were stoked. We both knew her, but very, very vaguely. She and I had met a handful of times in social settings, but never engaged in anything beyond surface level conversation. However, like many of these types of interactions in my life, we had, at some point, talked about sex. I speak very candidly about sexuality – and my online presence is certainly no exception. I run weekly sex polls, I post pre-smut photos of me in full rubber lingerie, and I have an advice column where I answer questions about sex and relationship issues. So the chances that I have given someone sex-related advice online, while only having a conversation about their dog in person is surprisingly high.

Since we had some back-and-forth in the past, she approached it by saying: “If it’s not out of line, maybe I can reach out to you two about joining in the fun? I’ve always thought you’d be fun and comfortable to be around.” Finally! My outward slut-ass-ness had paid off! I was sold on her. I took the idea to my partner and they immediately agreed. As I said, the entire process of deciding we wanted to have a threesome and finding our third took, quite literally, 3 hours, but I’d imagine it is comparable to when you go to adopt a puppy, and think “omg! This is the one!” – it just felt right, you know? We knew that she was hot, and she was kind, and wasn’t a sociopath looking to come in and wreck our relationship, so it genuinely seemed safe.

It became a massive topic of conversation. We began vocalizing our fantasies out loud while we had sex (“You want to see me eat a pussy?” and yes LORD I did), we discussed our expectations and boundaries in depth, and on at least a dozen occasions I said “oh my GOD are we actually doing this?” jumping around like an idiot while doing the dishes. The thought was so exciting. We are both sexually adventurous people, both naturally hedonistic, seemingly born with a desire to please, so adding a third into the mix felt more like an extension of us. Just something and someone fun to do. We ended up running into her that weekend and fucked like literal maniacs afterwards. It was amazing.

The timeline of deciding on the rendezvous and actually putting it into action took a whopping 10 days. The closer the event came, the more and more I became the most annoying version of myself. “Oh my god, she’s coming in 3 days. Oh my god, she’s coming tomorrow. OH MY GOD SHE’S COMING IN 4 HOURS.” When the time finally came, I prepped my body as if I was going to senior prom all over again (except honestly significantly more.) I waxed my bikini line, did a facial, did a hair mask, shaved my legs, exfoliated my entire body, rummaged my closet, took 10 minutes on my eyebrows. We swept the house, washed the sheets, shined all the latex, and boiled all the sex toys. The energy was fun and frantic and flirty.

Within the comfort of your monogamous relationship, it’s normal to begin to care less about these things, which is not to be taken as a diss. When you see someone essentially every day of your life, you care a lot less about deep conditioning your hair and more about paying your rent on time. Knowing that someone was going to experience our home, our bodies, and our relationship dynamic for the first time took us back to those butterfly-in-tummy vibes – when you actually made an effort to match your socks and tend to your ingrown hairs. It was so sweet knowing my partner was taking the time to landscape their pubes and make sure they looked good in their outfit. I felt like I was going on our first date all over again, which was a really welcoming and unexpected phenomenon.

I’ll fast forward and spare you the visual of me crouched over cleaning the toilet in leather pants (just kidding, there was the visual): She arrived. My partner and I were sitting in separate rooms when I saw her car pull up. As one might imagine, I literally screamed. The following is a rough description of what happened: She came in, we gave her the house tour, we chatted over a glass of champagne (that I admittedly took no more than three sips of because I had taken two power shots when I saw her car pull up) (that and my partner refuses to fuck drunk people which is one of the hundred things I love about them.) And then… we showed her ‘The Drawer.’

Okay, look. My partner and I are sex freaks. If you know either of us in person, I can guarantee that our sex drawer is exactly what you are visualizing. It is filled with latex and leather, and sensory deprivation accessories, and cock lassos, and butt plugs, and dildos and vibrators and weird medical equipment that even freaks us out at times. This was the moment of truth. When you open your sex drawer to someone, you are essentially showing them your lifespan porn history, your darkest fantasies, your bank statement and your daddy issues all at once. It is vulnerable and spooky and oddly exciting. Anyways, she was into it.

After some chatting in the bedroom, we were all clearly getting antsy, so I decided to take initiative. I asked our third to strip to her comfort level. I asked my partner to blindfold her. I took myself in the bathroom, got into a latex get up, and had a full blown Issa Rae style pep talk with myself in the mirror. When I emerged into the bedroom I found our third blindfolded and stripped to her panties, while my partner was rubbing her legs. My first thought was “Oh my god, am I gay?” I was so turned on. The roles of my partner and myself became immediately clear. Here they were, prioritizing comfort and consent, not wanting to overstep any boundaries (especially while I wasn’t in the room), and I come in wearing full domme gear, leather riding crop in hand, alarmingly ready to turn some asses red. My partner is truly the yin to my yang.

I won’t go into too much detail, partially because I blacked a lot of it out (adrenaline, not vodka, I promise) but also because this is meant to be less smut and more narrative; so let’s just say I was in a deviant bitches version of heaven. As someone who identifies as a 96% heterosexual woman, I was honestly anxious about having a vulva in my face. Believe me when I say I am a huge preacher of “vagina’s are snowflakes,” but admittedly, I’m picky (don’t come for me I am literally just straight.) I was so relieved that when our third was naked before us, I was in absolute awe. My dreamboat of a partner, a beautiful naked person, and a nightstand covered with sex toys; I could’ve died right then and been totally cool with it (except our third did not sign up for Necrophilia 101 and let’s be honest I knew immediately that I wanted to do it again.)

The one thing that put me the most at ease was our ability to prioritize comfort. This has to take form in various ways. Being comfortable enough to assert what you want: harder, deeper, lower, just spread my butt cheeks more, being comfortable enough to fumble (i.e. having to literally remove our third’s fingers from my body after dropping the magic wand on the floor and watching it vibrate its way across the room,) being comfortable enough to show someone a drawer filled with electric stimulation pads and urethral sounds (unused, before anyone freaks out), being comfortable enough to ask someone to swap gloves so you don’t exchange bacteria. It is seriously vital. In porn, we often see someone take their dick out of one vagina and put it in the other, and in reality that just isn’t safe. That being said, when our third hopped out of bed and put on gloves without being instructed, I felt like a proud mom (except like horny step mom that fucks the girl next door), because not only was she prioritizing our safety, but she was also simultaneously not judging us for wearing medical exam gloves while we fucked. Truly a win-win.

In summary, we all came, we cleaned up, and we sat on the bed after and recapped straight slumber party style. A visual: All of us are wearing crop tops and undies, drinking Moscato from the bottle, a murder scene of sex accessories littering the floor beside us. During this time, I was paying close attention to my emotions. I had been a third to a couple once in the past, and the girl told me that immediately after the horny feelings subsided, she cried a lot. I was waiting for this feeling to sweep over me, but instead, my thoughts were more “oh my god, I can’t believe I forgot to fuck her with the strap on.” It was all really, really pleasant.

After she left, my partner and I had sex once again, and for the next few days we brought it up at least once every hour or so. In the middle of an art fair: “Remember when you first walked into the room and grabbed her? That was my favorite part.” in the middle of eating pancakes: “Do you think she came good?” in the last few seconds of a Warriors vs. Clippers game: “My finger literally went into her ass on accident.” It was like a Facebook memory popping up to remind you that you are a sex goddess, rather than an unfortunate seventh grader with side swoop bangs.

In addition to these micro bursts of horny memories zapping me throughout the day, I also found myself feeling tremendously liberated all around. Suddenly, I felt like that bitch. I felt more sure of myself and my relationship than ever before. I felt proud of my ability to casually share my wonderful partner with someone else. I also experienced some unexpected but cutesy and innocent feelings of having a crush, like, omg I wonder if she’s told her friends, I wonder if she liked us, I wonder if she’ll want to come back. I still feel all of that.

Some people might read this thinking: Emily, was this really worth a 4000 word essay? It’s a threesome, chill, people do this all the time; while others might think: Hell no, I would never let my partner fuck someone else! Both to which I respond: I get it. A ton of people take comfort in routine, and monogamy, and would never think of sharing their partner’s bodies with someone else. Other people are more laissez faire, and are totally cool with the thought. I guess I fall somewhere in the in-between. The reason I am writing this is solely to inform others of one thing above all else, and that is: When you allow someone else to be with your partners body, it is solely that: their body. You must be able to compartmentalize your sexuality. The sex you have with your partner right after a fight, or at 7a.m. half hard and half asleep, or after a romantic anniversary dinner can never be replaced by a 10p.m Friday night Ménage à trois, nor is it meant to. You are not lending out your partner’s heart, you are lending out their oral sex game because you yourself find it to be phenomenal and you want someone else to experience it.

Your third doesn’t get to know the exact 45 degree angle at which your partner likes their penis stroked, or the exact string of words that’ll make you cum in seconds, or how you like your scalp rubbed before you fall asleep. They are there for newness, for fun, and for straight up sexual gratification. Their roll is essentially to cum and leave (after sitting cross legged blushing over the fact that you both have outie vulvas, and also, like maybe not leaving forever because you might want them to come back in the future!) not to rock your partner’s world and leave them looking at you like an old pair of beat up sneakers or whatever. If you are worried about your third outshining you, or your partner developing feelings, or your primary and secondary running off and having some kind of love affair, then a threesome just is not for you. Having a fear of infidelity as a result is a pretty clear indicator that something deeper is going on, and why subject yourself to unnecessary anxiety if you don’t have to? (PSA: You don’t have to.)

A threesome will not fix your relationship if it is on the rocks. It will not mend your trust issues. It will (likely) not cure your diminished libido. It will not grant you any otherwise unreciprocated respect in your relationship. You get no brownie points. A threesome is literally a novel concept. It is to witness your partner in action outside of your standard point of view. It is to learn new things that turn you on and turn you off. It is to remind yourself that you can be in a long term, serious, primarily monogamous relationship and still be able to experience the joy of other people’s bodies in a safe and controlled environment. It is to fuck, and to get fucked. To cum, and to make cum. It is to let someone eat you out that doesn’t eat you out every day.

If you came here for my recipe for a successful threesome, here is what I can suggest: (Please keep in mind that I am a literal amateur, but I do feel confident in my knowledge, so here you go:) First, plan accordingly. Plan around your menstrual cycle, around your work schedule, when you can get a baby sitter, etc. Then communicate! The communication is pivotal before, during, and after, but it is especially important beforehand as this can make or break your situation. Discuss your boundaries: What are your hard limits? What would you like to try? What are some things you know you like, know you don’t like? Which toys strike your fancy? What are some names you like to be called? What are your pronouns? What terminology do you prefer us reference your genitals with? Which parts of your body are off limits? When was the last time you were tested? Are you wanting to keep this between us three, or can I write a 4,000 word blog post about it? I could go on and on.

Other important things to discuss are rules and expectations (which fall under the umbrella of communication.) Some of my rules were that I didn’t want them being in contact without me knowing, so no exchanging of phone numbers or socials, and we also unanimously decided that there would be no penis in vagina intercourse. Some other rules to consider might be: Areas of the body that can and cannot be touched (anyone say asshole? Cause I sure didn’t), if the third can stay the night, certain sentimental pet names to avoid, etc. Some expectations that I outlined were basically just that everyone do what I say. Surprisingly, this was less of me being ‘the dick manager’ and more of me being more dominant in nature. Luckily, my partner and my third are (or at least were) more sub leaning, so they happily obliged. Other expectations were that everyone felt comfortable to speak freely, to take breaks, to vocalize their needs, and to stop if they needed to stop. Also I wanted to know a general idea of what I was expected to wear and what kind of energy I was expected to bring to the table.

Another massive thing to consider is safety. Do you have any transmittable diseases or infections? Are you feeling sick? Are you allergic to any materials? Are you willing to sanitize toys, change condoms, use gloves, use barriers, and wipe down the hitachi head when switching partners? If not, seriously don’t even consider. It is selfish, and potentially transmitting infections, getting someone sick, or GOD forbid pregnant is seriously not worth the extra set of hands. Clearly talk about safety, make it accessible (condoms and toy cleaner by the bed) and don’t let yourself get too drunk to forget about it.

Something that proved to be really important to us was someone who would honestly just accept us for the freaks that we are. Lack of judgement is important in any activity where you are putting yourself on display, but especially in a sexual situation. Imagine if you came to someone with your deepest desires and they crinkled their nose in disgust? It is honestly world shattering. So, plan your threesome with someone who you know is open minded. In my case, I am lucky that I am pretty outwardly filthy online, so our third likely had some type of idea, but in the case of anyone else, use your best judgement, and have some conversations around the topic. Be clear about your wants and your needs. You want to be able to proudly ask for someone to shove a dildo in your ass, not be hesitant and afraid. Both your orgasm and your dignity are on the line here.

Another thing I would like to highlight is that although the role of the third (in our case at least) is to essentially serve as a human sex toy, they are exactly that: a human. It is crucial that you are checking in, making sure they feel catered to, and safe, and comfortable. I’d like to think this is too obvious to state, but in the event that it’s not, I will say it: Everyone’s comfort and pleasure should be a priority. Only in some fucked up alternate universe does inviting someone new into the bedroom mean you start prioritizing one person’s body over the other. Everyone is equal and worthy of respect, and just because someone might get off on being called a slut in the bed, doesn’t mean they want to continue to feel like a slut once they leave your house. Be mindful. A good third understands that that their role is temporary and doesn’t need to be reminded through negligence of their basic human emotions.

My last point to touch on is how to bring up the subject to your partner, which will likely vary from relationship to relationship. My partner and I are very laid back. Our approach to sexuality is much less focused around ‘the art of seduction’ and much more on direct pleasure and connection. Like, instead of lighting candles to ‘set a mood’ we are lighting candles to pour the wax on each other… because it feels good… you know? So in my case, it was as simple as asking directly because we are always direct with requests. Other people might need more tenderness. You might consider saying: “While I am totally satisfied with our sex life, I was wondering if you would ever be interested in introducing another person into the mix? I think it would be a fun way for both of us to explore, together, and safely, as we would be in view of one another.” Clearly state your expectations, your desires, and your intentions. And if your partner declines, respect their decision. Nothing should be forced on anyone, and asserting time and time again that you want to fuck someone else will likely leave your partner feeling like they aren’t good enough. Then you don’t get your threesome and your partner feels like shit. Was it really worth asking that fourth time?

Returning to my first question (me questioning my overall sanity) – before, during, and after the fact, I realized what was going on inside of me was that I was finally dating someone that I trusted entirely. The reason that I was able to walk into a room to find my partner sitting in bed with a beautiful naked person and not literally vomit is because they weren’t doing anything to me, they were doing something with me. If you are proposing a threesome to keep your partner’s interest, or to prove something shallow to yourself, spare yourself the energy. I have said it before and I will say it again: Expanding outside of monogamy should always be from an abundance rather than a lack thereof. You should not be thinking “My girlfriend doesn’t let me fuck her in the ass, so maybe our third will.” You should be thinking “My partner does this really amazing thing with their tongue, and it would be really hot to see how someone else reacts to it.” (And maybe if you’re lucky your third will gladly take it up the ass?)

So, wrapping up, perhaps you should consider having a threesome if you: Are secure in your relationship, if you find your partner to be too hot to keep to yourself, if you have an abundance of trust and respect for one another, if you are both willing to respect boundaries and safety measures, if you are wanting to explore other bodies while keeping your partner included, or if you are horny hedonists looking for some good spank material. You should not consider having a threesome if you: Feel pressured to, if you think it will mend an otherwise crumbling relationship, if you are feeling insecure, if you have trust issues, if your partner has expressed romantic interest in the third, if either of you have had a relationship with the third in the past (could get messy), if you are not attracted to the third, or if it is a last ditch effort to impress your partner.

Realistically, there are probably hundreds of reasons why introducing someone into your bedroom is or is not a good idea, so please note that I do realize I am only speaking to a small percentage of people. The reality just is that: like a raw vegan diet is not for everybody, like funneling a beer is not for everybody, like adopting a cat, or backpacking through Europe, or learning how to unicycle is not for everybody, having group sex is not for everybody. It is okay to leave certain kinds of activities to certain kinds of people, no matter how intriguing they might seem from a distance.

By no means am I saying that all group sex configurations must be rooted in love. They can be rooted in lust, in adventure, in curiosity – but one thing that is absolutely CRUCIAL is that they are rooted in trust. I trust that you will switch condoms and sterilize shared toys. I trust that you will respect my body and my boundaries and my concerns. I trust that you won’t turn into a pussy crazed lunatic and start trying to have threesomes weekly. I trust my partner with everything from my social security number to my incest fantasies, which means, most importantly, that I trust that they won’t go off and try to fuck anyone without me. If you have any doubt in your mind that you are doing this for reasons outside of solely hedonistic, pure, and/or loving intentions, consider reconsidering.

Now to share some gratitude: Thank you massively to my partner for allowing me to fulfill my sexual destiny, for supporting all my impulsive endeavors, for prioritizing my orgasms, and for never making me feel small (unless I want to feel small, then thank you for catering to that too.) Thank you so much to you, dream third, for making us both feel safe, for coming into our dynamic with an open mind, for feeling comfortable enough to not only share your body with us but also your stories, and your requests, and your positive energy (and for tolerating my demands and recurring slapping.) And thank you to anyone who has read all of this x so so much love.

[isweartoerenimnotjaeger]

Omg can you describe some headcanons in which Allen finds out he’s completely gay? How he deals with it, how he says it to Cross and his friends, to Tyki?

Headcanons in which Allen finds out he’s gay:

Ooo I love this ask! First of all…I haven’t introduced Tykiin my story yet (gahhh! Sorry Tyki!). I did introduce Road, Devit, and Jasderoin passing though since they’re all on the school’s dance team in my drabbles.I do plan on introducing him…I just haven’t found the right time to do so. Probablywhen Allen goes over to Road’s house sometime? At a dance competition? This isgoing to be long so please read under the cut. Also this is not a Tyki x Allen related thing (just a NOTP of mine but since there has been discourse lately, I’d thought I should say it because I don’t want hateful anons on it. I’d rather keep a safe distance from the discourse since shit is sort of hitting the fan in my life and I don’t have energy to deal with any part of that discourse right now.)

So, first, how does Allen figure out he’s gay?

In the beginning he thought Link was pretty when he firstmet him, but he never really thought about Link in that way. I mean, in mystory he starts out at age 8. All he cares about is ‘wow this wonderful,beautiful stranger is giving me food and he likes my voice!? Let’s be bestfriends!’. Later on, Allen found himself pining over male band members at theconcerts Cross would take him to, or the bands he would introduce him to overthe years. He had a major boy crush over Adam Lambert, Keith Murray from We Arethe Scientists, Alex Turner from Artic Monkeys, Andy Black from Black VeilBrides (Also could go under Andy Sixx), to name a few. Kellin Quinn fromSleeping With Sirens was also a favorite of his. That’s only to name a fewthough haha, his heart still belongs heavily to Adam Lambert, though Andy Blackcomes in close second. (Andy Black and Kellin Quinn are my person projectionsonto Allen lol. No regrets!)

Allen would also pine over the boys he’d see in musicals(there was a time he was heavily into Zac Efron because his eyes, oh my god hiseyes!). Chris Pine was pretty hot. He played Prince Charming in Into the Woods.Sadly…I am not too hardcore into musicals (but I will be because I will do sofor Allen and my drabbles. Also, my friends who shun me because I don’t seemusicals).

Allen isn’t too bothered with it though. He’s still fairlyyoung and he doesn’t quite know that his interests are heading in thatdirection. He has an inkling, but he’s not bothered by it until he begins tofan boy at school about the guys he’s seen in concert or actors that he hascome across over the years. The kids begin to call him gay, fag, or give himweird looks because ‘Why are you that excited over a guy? What about the big breastedactresses?’ Allen writes it off that he’s just being a fan boy over theirsinging and acting, it wasn’t like he was pining after them or whatever. Hejust loved them for their talent…and they just happened to look sexy. That’sit. That’s all.

It didn’t hit full force until he got to see Tyki, Road’suncle, for the first time. (And before ya’ll get on my ass about this. No, Idon’t ship Tyki and Allen nor do I send hate on it. But Tyki is a sexy dude andI can totally see little Allen being all “Oh wow this guy is a super model! Ohgod I’m gay!”) Allen just stares up at Tyki all open mouthed and in awe because“Oh my god this is the sexiest man alive.” He ends up running away from Tykibecause he’s scared, embarrassed, and he’s having a major boy crush moment.

During all this, Cross figures out indirectly because hetried to introduce Allen to female vocalists that were smoking hot, actors, youname it, but the kid didn’t show as much enthusiasm as he did with men. Thatwasn’t to say he was disinterested in them. If they were talented and had abeautiful singing voice, he loved them. There was a difference between his fanboying over men and fan boying over women though. Cross also gets inklings ofit through the way Allen dresses and how he liked to play in make-up. That wasn’tto say it was something that said, “oh my god my son is gay”, I mean the kidwas good with make-up. He could be good with it and be totally straight. That’swhy they were only ‘inklings’. He kept his concerns to himself though andstayed open-minded.

(I headcanon Cross to be very open-minded. He was rebelliousas a kid and even now, he ran with society’s outcasts, the people that peopleturned their noses up at. He learned to be open minded because of the people heran. He also learned it through his annoyance at other people thinking he was abad kid because he couldn’t sit all nice and still in a desk and spit outinformation like a computer. I will write a drabble more on Cross’s backstorylater).

First person Allen tells that he is gay to? Jeryy. Jeryyworks at the school cafeteria and he’s become like a second or third mom toAllen. (Second or third because I have an OC secretary at the school who knowsCross well and became good friends with him when he was a teen). Jeryy is Allen’sabsolute safe space/comfort space. Jeryy provides food, advice, and a listeningear. Allen didn’t feel nervous at all.

Going to his list of friends though. Oof. Out of everyone,Lenalee, Alma, Kanda, Link, Lavi, his dance team members, Allen chose Kanda. Iknow crazy right? Well, he tells Kanda because Kanda can keep a secret. IfAllen ever had a serious problem, Kanda had his back. They may bicker and fightbut in the end they are there for each other. Kanda was also the type to beblunt and he can usually keep his cool…usually if the situation is seriousenough. Allen was scared shitless to tell him because he didn’t want his headto be sliced off or something because he was gross or something. He tells Kandaat his house in his little ‘sensory room’ that Tiedoll made for his boys. Kandais all “So what? That’s it? I thought someone died or something.”

Kanda is not the typeto blab to someone else, like Alma is (mostly when he gets too excited. Hedoesn’t mean to poor dear. He ends up being last.). Lenalee, she’s trustworthybut it’s her damn brother Allen can’t trust! He didn’t want Komui to overhearit. She becomes next when Allen can find a good spot to tell her. He didn’tfeel quite as nervous as he was with Kanda, but he still was. He was mostlynervous about Komui somehow hearing and telling people (seems like wheneverLenalee is in trouble or if there was a boy around, Komui somehow poofed intoexistence right there to defend his dear Lenalee!). I don’t headcanon Komui asbeing someone who gossiped over something as serious as this, this is purelyjust Allen’s worried thinking. Lenalee was all tearful and happy that he toldher.

Lavi is next. Lavi is hurt he wasn’t the first one told(even though, like Cross, he had a pretty good idea), but he gets over it. Hefigures out that it’s only because Allen was afraid of losing him as his ‘mostbestest best best friend’ in the whole world. Allen was dreadfully nervousbecause Lavi was his first friend he made since Mana’s death and he couldn’tbear the thought of not being friends with him anymore. Lavi is in tears whenAllen tells him, both out of hurt, but also more hurt that Allen would everthink that they wouldn’t be friends anymore. I mean they were ‘bestest bestbest friends’ and those kinds of friends didn’t break up over something likethis! Like bro, if you killed someone and needed to hide the body, I would hidethe body with you, no questions asked! Bro, I’ll get our alibis lines up, fakei.d’s, anything bro!

Link and the dance team? They knew. Oh, they fucking knewit. Link probably knew it before anyone else ever but was not ‘openly admittedto’ until after the whole friend group. Allen was blabbering about his boycrushes and his worries over being gay to Link for forever. Link became Allen’s‘hitting board’ for his thought processes and Link usually stayed silentallowing him to blabber to himself. He’d chime in with a piece of informationhere and there. He knew Allen was battling with himself over whether or not hewas gay. Allen didn’t settle on being gay and openly admitting it to him untilafter Alma was told and the other team members. Link didn’t react to Allenbeing gay until he admitted it officially to Link. Link’s reaction was morealong the lines of “I’m happy that you are no longer conflicted anymore. Thanksfor officially telling me, shall I make some tea?” Everyone else on the danceteam was all “Well jee, that’s not a shock. Congratulations on finally comingto terms with it, we’ve waited eons. We still love you.” Alma was all “OH MYGOD ALLEN I’M SO HAPPY THAT YOU TOLD ME I SUPPORT YOU 100% OH MY GOOOODD!”complete with tears and glomping.

To Tyki? Lol. Tyki knew the moment the kid laid eyes on himthat he was a flaming gay. It was awkward as fuck for Allen to tell Tyki “Ohhey, by the way I’m gay. So, you can tell Sheril that so he can stop being allsuspicious with me around his daughter. Fyi, you were my sexual awakening.”Tyki is all “Yeah I knew the first time I met you. I am the reason for manypeople’s sexual awakenings. Glad I could help.”

Road’s reaction is all “Awwhhh…and I was seriously hoping wecould be married. Oh well, Lenalee is looking pretty cute. Maybe she’ll marryme.”

Devit and Jasdero are all “So does that mean we can make gayjokes towards you now and it won’t be considered insulting?”

Cross was dead last. Anita came before Cross and even then,Allen was beyond nervous. He thought he was going to die. Cross was at work andAllen was brushing through her hair like he does a lot. He’s been putting offtelling them, thinking it would be better to keep his mouth shut until he was18 and out of the house. His friends kept telling him that he should reallytell them soon. They were going to find out eventually. I mean what if hedecided to date a boy from school? So, Allen paused and just blurted it out. Hedidn’t really notice he said it until it was out in the open. He was about torun and hide until Anita hugged him and was all “Oh honey I knew it a long timeago but thank you for telling me. I’ll always love you no matter what. Did youtell your father?”

So yeah, Cross was dead last. Allen just couldn’t approachhim with it. When he thought about it and how he’d react (which was usually badin his thoughts) he’d start crying. Cross knew something was off with the weekleading up to it. Allen was more withdrawn from him than usual, he didn’t eatas much as he usually does. Finally, Anita had enough and so did Cross. Anitadecided she’d give Allen a little push and urged Cross into going to a prideparade and taking Allen with him.

“Why do I have to do that? I mean the kid should know I’mnot going to judge him for it. I never judged him for wanting to wear dressesor playing in make-up.”

“You always wonderedif Allen was gay, so why don’t you take him to the parade? You know some of thepeople going there. If he sees that you’re supportive of the community then hemight open up more. There’s a difference between saying your accepting andactually showing you are.”

So Cross takes Allen to the pride parade. Allen is sonervous he refuses to eat, he’s already super suspicious because ‘why the helldid Cross take me here’? His nervousness slightly dissipates when he sees Crossinteract with some of the LGBTQ+ members, a lot of them were past friends hegot acquainted with in his youth. He was still nervous though because ‘he mayaccept people who are different but he might not accept me because I hit closerto home’ (this is an issue I struggle with myself when it comes to my dad whois supportive of my gay cousin…but may not be supportive of his own daughterbeing bi). So, they wander around, talk to people, etc. Allen is heavily withdrawnthrough the whole thing and that is a huge red flag for Cross that somethingwas wrong. He also didn’t want to push Allen into it though. It was hard to seehim struggle through the whole day though. Finally, Allen couldn’t take thenervousness anymore. He was getting light-headed and exhausted from not eatingall day because he’s so nervous. So, they’re just sitting there, alone,watching the sunset, and Allen’s bottom lip begins to tremble.

He begins to cry because he wants to say it but it’s so hardbecause he’s afraid Cross was going to yell at him or kick him out.

“Kid. Just tell me what’s up.” Cross said, tired of Allenstruggling with himself and making himself sick because of it.

“Dad…I’m gay…” Allen choked out, openly sobbing.

Cross hummed, thinking over his words a little bit beforeblurting out, “Hi gay I’m Dad.”

It was the most unnerving, stupidest things that Cross hasever said (he usually does not do dad jokes) but the kid was so nervous andshit, he thought he needed to say something stupid to dissipate the heaviness.

“W-What?” Allen asked, confused and thinking that Crossthought he was joking.

“That’s what was eating at you this whole time? For a second,I thought you got ahold of drugs and didn’t think to share with me. Unless youare on drugs, in which case I will beat your ass.”

“So, you’re not mad…?”

“Fuck no. Why should I be mad? I could think of many otherthings to be pissed about like the fact you still didn’t clean your room like Itold you to. Well okay, I am a little mad because now I have to change the sextalk to you a little bit. I’m also pissed you were worried sick over this thewhole damn time. Jesus, why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Cuz I thought you were going to kick me out…”

“I could think of a better reason to kick you out than overbeing gay. God with all the shit I’ve done over the years the one who should bekicked from the house is probably me,” Cross said, ruffling up Allen’s hair, “Nowcome on, you didn’t eat all day and Anita will burn me alive if she finds out.”

Cross also got Allen a flag to hang in his room

[flowerfan2]

Bound to Be Together

McDanno, T, A03

A continuous story of Season 9 codas exploring the bond between Steve and Danny as they grow even closer.

Chapter 2: 9.02

Steve’s been distant, hitting a new high on the dark and broody scale.  Danny’s fairly certain it has something to do with Greer.  He’s wishing he had stuck closer to Steve for the interrogation, given Greer something else to aim her hate at besides his partner, who seems oddly vulnerable right now.

Danny isn’t even sure whether to buy Steve’s explanation for why he sent Danny into the jungle without him. Yeah, it was nice to be appreciated, and Junior did actually learn something from him (and was polite enough not to be too surprised).  But it was still weird.  Danny tries not to let himself linger on thoughts of why Steve might want Danny to take the lead these days, other than purely to pass on his experience.  Because Steve’s going to be around 5-0 for a long time, and it isn’t good for Danny’s sanity to think otherwise.

Danny couldn’t be happier when Friday finally arrives, and he’s got a built-in excuse to head to Steve’s after work.  Danny shoves open the door with his hip, trying not to drop the groceries.  In addition to steaks he’s also got a bag with several bottles of wine; Kamekona is insisting that if they are going to serve wine at the restaurant – which they obviously are – they should at least be familiar with what each selection tastes like.  It’s a valid point, and Danny figures that he and Steve might as well enjoy the taste-testing process together.

He hears Steve’s voice from the lanai, and realizes quickly that he’s on the phone.

“Yeah, I’ll tell him hi for you.  He’s on his way over.  Probably just going to rant for a while, as per usual.  Although lately he can’t make up his mind about which of my ideas is the stupidest.  Apparently there are a lot of contenders for the title.”

Steve’s clearly talking about Danny.

 “What?  Of course.  I can’t help defending myself when he gets like that.  Anyway, Danny expects it.  We’ve got a rhythm.  It works.”

 It’s true.  It’s kind of their thing.

 “And he’s still pissed at me for the last op.”

 The sensory deprivation tank fiasco?  Absolutely. Danny’s not likely to let that one go anytime soon.  He still feels ill when he thinks about what Steve went through, and how close Danny came to losing him.  How lost Steve looked at the end.

 “Come on, Mary, it’s not like that.”

 Good, he’s talking to his sister.  Danny thinks Steve should talk to her more, maybe go for a visit.  Mary might like it if he came to see her on her turf.  God knows Steve could use a break.  

 “Shut up, it’s not.”

 Danny wonders what they’re talking about now.  Because as much as he’s been worried about Steve, Steve sounds lighter now.  He’s got a playful tone to his voice, with a side of amused embarrassment.  Mary’s probably giving him shit about something.  Good to know there’s someone out there who can bring out that side of Steve, make him smile.  He’s gorgeous when he smiles.

 Danny is starting to feel a little self-conscious about his blatant eavesdropping, not to mention the inappropriate stray thoughts, but then the subject changes to something less mysterious.

 “The kids?  They’re great.”

 Danny relaxes and gets to work opening a bottle of wine.  Tani and Junior are pretty great, no doubt.  He’s surprised that Mary knows about them, although Steve does like to brag about his team.  

 “Charlie’s getting so big, it’s incredible.  And Gracie – you know she’s dating, right?  Makes us crazy, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders.”

 A wave of affection surges through Danny, and he leans hard against the counter.  Steve’s talking about his kids, not 5-0.

 “I’m gonna teach her to drive defensively, even if Danny thinks I’m a maniac.  They don’t teach it right in driver’s ed, and I’m not taking any chances with her safety.”

 It’s not news that Steve is an important part of his kids’ lives, but Danny hardly ever gets to hear him talk this way about them.  To hear how he feels.  It warms him inside, better than any glass of wine.

 “We’re not worried about that.  Her grades are so good, she’ll get into any college she wants to.  Although I think she’s gonna stay close to home.  It’s up to her, though.  We’ll see.”

 It suddenly strikes him how the conversation must sound to Mary – Steve’s pride in the kids, his familiarity with them, his casual use of the plural to refer to how he and Danny are handling things…

 He sounds like he loves them.  He sounds like their dad, like Danny’s partner in caring for his children.  And he’s not wrong, not where it matters.  

 People jokingly refer to the two of them as “mom and dad” all the time – hell, Junior did it just the other day, when Danny was chastising Steve for burying money in the sand.  It doesn’t faze either of them.  Truth be told, Danny kind of likes it. And when it comes to his own kids, well, he knows Steve’s part of their family, the ever-adored Uncle who takes Grace surfing and plays ball with Charlie.  But maybe Danny’s been underestimating how important the kids are to Steve.

 Steve has been trying to get Danny to let Junior and Tani learn from him… maybe Danny should be making sure Steve gets the full force of Grace and Charlie’s affection.

 “Danny – when’d you get here?  Hey, that looks good.”

 Steve is all smiles as he takes two wine glasses out of the cabinet and sets them on the kitchen island. Danny’s startled out of his rambling thoughts, and for a moment, all he can do is let the heat of Steve’s gaze warm him.  

 Danny blinks and forces himself to focus.  “It’s for the restaurant, if we like it.”

 “Good idea.”

 Danny had planned on prompting Steve to talk about Greer tonight.  He’s sure there’s got to be some reason that she has managed to shake him so thoroughly, something more than the obvious.  But the dark cloud over Steve’s head has lifted, and Danny can’t bring himself to douse Steve’s cheerful mood.   Especially not if thoughts of his kids had anything to do with it.

 “I brought steaks too. The good ones, from that place you like.”  

 “Awesome!”  Steve claps Danny on the shoulder, his hand sliding down to rest on the small of Danny’s back as Danny pours the wine.  “Thanks, buddy.”  Steve aims a grin in Danny’s direction, and Danny feels his heart melt.

 “Hey, you mind calling Grace later?  She’s working on a physics project, and for some reason she thinks you’ve got a better chance of helping her make sense of it than me.”  

 Steve’s smile grows even brighter.  “Sure thing. Dinner, then homework?”

 “Sounds like a plan.”

 If Steve wants to have a fun, normal evening, take a break from whatever’s dragging him down, Danny can do that for him.  It’s not that much to ask, not like jumping off a hundred foot cliff to catch a fleeing double agent.  Although if it had been Steve taking that leap into thin air, Danny has a feeling he might have followed him without a second thought.  

 As it is, with Steve fluttering his eyelashes at Danny as they banter their way through dinner, looking happier than he’s been all week, Danny can feel himself teetering awfully close to the edge.

[sapphiclizziebennet]

here's more of me yellin about autism!!! in a good way. i kind of like keeping these journals of my experiences with processing the diagnosis so hopefully it's not annoying that i'm posting them

first of all it's very disheartening to realize over the last week or so that i basically had to get a diagnosis from a doctor or else nobody would believe me. even now that i have a diagnosis, my mom still doesn't believe me. it's very strange and i'm trying to come to terms with it and kind of failing? just because i can talk to people and put on the customer service voice doesn't mean there's more there. so much of myself i have masked.

it is really, really fucking weird to see how deep the rabbit hole of masking goes for me. for so many years i have studied people and learned the "correct" ways of acting. my perfectionism, which for so long has been a very significant part of my issues with functioning, has caused me to still want to be the perfect neurotypical person, or to set myself apart from other autistic people. it's very sad, in a way i feel like i've lost a part of myself that i need to rebuild. i kept wondering, why was i so out there as a teenager? why did i talk about what i loved so openly, and now i don't? why were there things i did back then that didn't have consequences that i don't do now? and guys, it is so eye opening to know that it's because of masking. it feels like some kind of personality shift happened for me and yeah basically i've been living a fake version of myself for a long time but i'm so deep into it i don't know how to get out :))))

today was my first day in a long time only getting like, a single hour of sleep. i had an appointment earlier this morning for nerve testing, which involved a lot of sensory things that are absolute no's for me. so i was already seeing that i was having trouble masking, my eye contact was a lot worse and i was a lot less, shall we say, practiced in how i moved and spoke, and then they brought out the needles which are an immediate panic response for me. as soon as the first one went in i had a full meltdown right there on the table and it wouldn't stop. this poor doctor had no idea what to do and we had to stop the testing entirely, meaning i don't have full results for what's going on with my arm. and yall, it put me out for the entire day. i didn't go to class today. i took a nap bc i was sleep deprived but also because i was so emotionally exhausted after that. i feel awful that i didn't go to class today and i feel awful and guilty that this experience, which only lasted about a half hour this morning, took so much out of me. how do i get over that? i have never liked being this sensitive but now i know what it's from, so hopefully then in the future i can figure out how to budget my energy a bit better.

anyway that's what's been going on, i have More Thoughts but that's kind of the gist today

this sounds so funny but the autism memes have made me really happy now that i have something to relate to lol. so many times now i notice things and i'm like "big autism moment" because i never realized why i was reacting to things in certain ways, but now i know!!!

[mariska]

ok so i know avengers 4 is still a very long ways away but like im already planning stuff for if i hopefully get to go to a local premiere of it when it comes out next year so like. important question. if i get to go to the avengers 4 premiere who should i dress up as: star-lord, gamora or mantis? pros and cons. star-lord would be the easiest by far because id just have to get his shirt and a red jacket and could throw on some jeans or something and maybe bring my moms old walkman with me? bcus. one of my moms has an old walkman which is. rad. cons: literally cant think of any. it would be comfortable and i love the character. pros to mantis: personality wise i am about a 50/50 split between her and star-lord so i would feel very comfortable being her, also she is adorable and i love her, cons: couldnt wear any sort of antenna because obviously that would obscure the screen for whoever is sitting behind me and also that costume is pretty complicated so id probably have to buy it off of ebay or something. pros to gamora: she is the light of my fucking life and i love her so much and i would THRIVE cosplaying as her, she is my favorite marvel character hands-down. cons: HOO BOY. hoo boy, folks. lots of em. first of all: would probably be the only person painted green at the movies which is a lil weird im not gonna lie. BUT ive gone to premieres at this theater before for other big movies like force awakens in 2015 and people absolutely dress up in full cosplay for these things, ive seen it myself, its awesome, so i feel like it would at least be appreciated. another con is that her outfit is also complicated BUT she has a couple looks from the second gotg movie that are more chill and i could use some regular clothes for that i think, but im fairly certain id have to do something like get a green long sleeved shirt and rip the sleeves off and sew it to a tank top cus theres no way in hell im painting my whole body green. with MY sensory processing disorder? just not going 2 happen

ANYWAYS these are things i probably wouldnt even be able to put into motion until after christmas because i have no income and only get money from other people on special occasions, so it would be a while before i even did this cosplay stuff, but its fun to think about and fun to plan!!

[alien-bodies]

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

[saltymcsaltything]

I'm actually working with a therapist on getting diagnosed now at 41(!). I've felt like my mask has been slipping after several years of traumatic events. I didn't even know 'masking' was an actual thing but have called it that for years whenever I got stressed out and was afraid people would notice I was losing control over my emotional responses.

Part of the problem is that, from what I can gather, most of my symptoms align pretty closely with a presentation of ASD that would have formerly been considered Asperger's, and that wasn't really on anyone's radar in the English speaking world until I was in high school. By that point, I was already masking pretty hard all the time, so teachers were unlikely to notice it. I was really good at keeping my mouth shut and not attracting attention to myself.

I feel like my parents knew something was different about me compared to my brothers, especially in my level of independence. I lived at home during college and when I decided to move out of state for a job at 21, my mom was absolutely devastated. I think she felt like I wasn't ever going to leave her. My Dad always told me how proud he was of me for striking out on my own and would get misty eyed whenever he mentioned it. They were loving parents and I miss them both so much, but I am wondering how much of the differences in the way they treated me (the word coddled comes to mind) is because they knew I was different.

Part of my worry is that a lot of what I have read seems to indicate that psychologists diagnosing adults with Autism frequently want to talk to the parents to ask about early childhood development. My parents are both dead. My mom died in July of this year and the shock of losing her triggered a lot of grief that has basically made the mask fall apart completely.

I'm noticing a lot more difficulty dealing with sensory issues, more problems processing speech, higher social anxiety, and frequent shutdowns (like dissociative episodes where all my senses dull and I can't move or speak). My wife came right out and said she thinks I might be on the spectrum (she suspects she is as well) and that I needed to discuss it with my therapist.

I'm both scared and excited about a possible diagnosis: I'm scared in that I am concerned about the possible ramifications in the workplace; I feel like my coworkers would be accepting because they are kind people, and some of them who have known me for years probably wouldn't be surprised. At the same time, I worry that maybe I'm misreading them and I'd be ostracized. It's really hard to judge people's underlying attitudes when they present an outwardly kind disposition. I'm excited at the prospect of finally having a path to understanding my own mind, and also hopefully not feeling as if I have to mask all the time. But I still worry that I'm trying to claim a diagnosis that I don't deserve just because it would possibly bring me some measure of comfort and give me a ready explanation for my "eccentricities"

Is it weird that I find the prospect of being diagnosed comforting? I certainly didn't feel that way about being diagnosed with a chronic illness, depression, anxiety or PTSD. Those diagnoses hit me like gut punches and are still hard for me to accept. Is it just because it's better than thinking everyone sees me as kind of weird and flaky?

I dunno, maybe I'd feel less salty about everything.

I was wondering... is it possible for someone to be diagnosed with autism later on in life if the parents never bothered to have their kid checked/didn't really care too much because their kid was high-functioning? Or is autism something that's always diagnosed early on, and it would be something else with similar symptoms, like ADHD or something?

Yes, it is possible! More and more adults are beginning to get recognised as autistic as our awareness of the ability to "mask" increases.

Masking is a way to hide our autistic traits and can mean that we go under the radar for many years. This could include many behaviours, such as intentionally holding back stimming or perhaps forcing ourselves to make eye contact despite it being uncomfortable.

Personally, I was diagnosed just last year, at the age of 20. :) This is becoming increasingly common and I have had two friends also receive their diagnosis in adulthood.

[stefinatelychen]

I didn't have much of a chance to stock up on food like most others were doing before the effects of Covid-19 started hitting the United States and things started shutting down/changing over here because I was working so much. The rest of my family is in Southern California, and they had stocked up beforehand because they work normal daytime hours and they have each other to depend on.

Beyond that, my brother-in-law has always been a bit neurotic and has always prepared for worst case scenarios -- so he was one of the people hoarding tons of water, toilet paper, and canned food at Costco prior to the mandates for social distancing. I thought that he was being paranoid (because he has a history of being paranoid) and because I was so damn busy working, I didn't really dig into what was going on with COVID-19. I had read SOME articles that were part of a series called "The Coronavirus Diaries" on Slate yet still it all seemed distant.

It wasn't until my sister urged me to stock up on food that I did -- and I did a pretty minimal amount of stocking up for three main reasons: I still wasn't taking it too seriously (I thought that if anything, my reason for not being able to access food would be because people were panic-buying, and that that would settle down over time), I was too broke to stock up on much (I work in the service industry - most of us live paycheck to paycheck), and a lot of the hoarders had taken out a lot of the food that I normally buy.

About a month and a half (maybe two) prior to the point where people started panic-buying at the grocery stores in my city, I had started experimenting with eating vegetarian -- sort of on a whim, after watching Okja (which was also a random spontaneous decision). There are several reasons to go veggie/vegan: ethical reasons (loving animals, loving the planet), health and nutritional reasons, reasons related to grossness/cleanliness/neuroticism, etc. I see validity in all of those but in all honesty, much of what I do in life is random more than anything. I like absurdity, I like challenging myself to do something that the 5-year-younger version of me would never have thought I would do (moving to Austin, TX from Los Angeles was another one of those spontaneous, absurd choices - a high school/college me saw me nowhere else but on the coasts or somewhere foreign, working towards a career in the arts rather than working full time in the service industry in the middle of the country). So I thought, "vegetarianism - why not now? Okay, now it is." It would astound my mom if she knew -- 8 year old me was always picking all the meat out of the dishes she served, and she had raised us to be carnivores.

Anyhow, it was actually good timing to go vegetarian. By the time I was used to eating vegetarian and no longer craved meat (in fact, I find veggie meats to be more delicious and interesting tasting now... but that's probably because I taste fatigue on all things easily -- from jobs to music to food to drinks to even a good amount of people -- so this may be yet another phase), the panic-buyers were clearing out all the meats in the grocery stores. The only things left were vegetarian and vegan meats. So no problem there at first - I stocked up on all sorts of veggie meats from both the fresh and frozen sections (Beyond Burgers, Dr. Praeger's, Gardein, Morningstar, BOCA...).

Veggies were hard to find - even in the frozen section. I wound up settling for a very ordinary bag of GOYA's frozen carrot-corn-pea medley. I also bought ice cream for the first time in months (probably because the shopping experience at HEB was so stressful -- there were still a lot of people in there and some people weren't trying to stay 6 feet away from anybody at all, and there was a weird energy to the entire store... plus grocery shopping has always been a stressful thing in the past for me because (1) people are generally so spatially unaware, and it annoys me and (2) I am the worst decision-maker ever because I am overly analytical to the point where decisions wear me out, AND I am prone to marketing (packaging, "sale" markers, strategic price points, etc.) so I have to do a lot of filter-ing/second guessing and will myself to listen to the things I remember from psychology books about marketing/decision-making). The groceries I picked up weren't TOO different from what my normal run has been like for the past few months, with the exception of toilet paper and pasta (because there was none left of either).

I deliberately chose not to get snacks because I knew that I'd be home all the time, and I'd feel compelled to boredom eat, and if it was there I would most definitely consume it. I settled for ice cream and cereal as dessert items for when I was really craving some sugary-stress treats for when PMS would hit.

Everyone was buying milk - but luckily for me, I switched to oat milk a year or so ago and have loved it more than any other milk (almond, dairy, coconut, walnut, soy).

Before COVID-19, I was often the only roommate at home during the daytime. I'm pretty introverted at home. I'm outgoing a lot of times outside of my home and work, so a lot of people don't assume this. But home is my sanctuary - it is my place to recharge. I deliberately chose to work night hours at a bar when I first started living here because I loved having the apartment to myself as often as possible. I absolutely love cooking and find it meditative -- but only when there is nobody else around. I'm not a fan of talking to people while I'm focused on the food, or of even being around anyone. For whatever reason, it turns the experience of cooking from a meditative/relaxing act to a stressful one for me. So I used to cook a lot more before the mandates to stay home, and I was really taking my time in the kitchen (and enjoying having the entire space of our tiny kitchen to myself) - taking pleasure in mincing garlic, chopping vegetables, boiling water, cooking pasta... letting the smells fill the room... sometimes listening to a podcast while I cooked, or just listening to the soothing sounds of boiling water, crackling oil, sizzling sauteed vegetables, the knife on the chopping board... it was so simply therapeutic.

Then my roommate started working at home a little over a week ago. I just can't spend time in the kitchen anymore. He brought home his 3-monitor computer setup from work, and it doesn't fit in his room (he mentioned that he had to clean out his room first before putting his computer setup in there, but now I think he's just resolved to stay in the common area) so he's now permanently camped out on our dining table in the common area. We have an open set-up where the living room, dining room, and kitchen are all one big shared area, so there is no real privacy once you leave your room. He has become a permanent fixture of that space, and now when I leave my room, he is never not there.

Most of the time, I do not feel like interacting because I am (1) cranky from not going out much and having my balance of seeing the world, seeing other individuals, and (2) he is (endearing but...) a chronic talker. He is one of those people who feels compelled to fill the empty air with empty speech - small talk that is well-meaning but damaging to the psyche of a cranky, hyper-sensory, internet-dwelling girl like me who doesn't want to talk to anyone until she's ready (it's ok, I know I'm not sunshine and flowers), especially at 10 AM in the morning.

He is probably harmless to most other people but to me, I just don't have the capacity to process him yet sometimes (a lot of times) when all I want is to go to the kitchen to grab water and hydrate without talking to anyone. I'm just not a patient person, and I'm too passive to the self-crippling point. I also don't hate people, and have the knee-jerk tendency to want to express care and let everyone be heard even if I am dying inside and will hate both them and myself after-the-fact for a passionate 15-40 minutes. Yes, I'm aware that it’s a problem. 

</journal>