#my mental health is gonna start declining again just you watch

[pikatrainer99]

Branch from Trolls has PTSD, paranoia, depression, and anxiety and you can't change my mind! (Part 1: Trolls) (SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT 8 YEARS AGO BUT JUST IN CASE 😅)

(This entire three-part analysis was SUPPOSED to be completed in its entirety by the end of May since it's for mental health awareness month, buuuut...I couldn't finish it in time (had to take a break and take care of myself because my PTSD has relapsed lately...AGAIN... I've been getting triggered really easily by just about anything and I hate it so much 😑), but at least the FIRST part is ready in time...so here we go!

Branch is my favorite character in DreamWorks' Trolls franchise, and for many reasons. One of them being that he is very relatable. As someone with PTSD, paranoia, depression, and anxiety myself, I find it easy to put myself in Branch's tiny Troll feet and feel how he feels. (I also headcanon him as autistic, which I also am, but that's a post for another day). With this series of posts I will be analyzing his character journey and how his mental struggles affect him and his life. I will only be going over the three theatrical films in the franchise in these analysis posts, because, while his mental struggles are ABSOLUTELY present in the TV shows, I haven't seen every episode of the TV shows and I have a lot to discuss with just the three movies because I love Branch and relate to him so much.

So, to start this analysis, let's take a look at the first Trolls film. When Branch is first introduced, he is a grumpy, depressed, pessimistic gray Troll, and the only Troll in the village who doesn't sing, dance, hug, or party.

He instead chooses to spend all his time working on gathering supplies and rations for his, as he says "highly camouflaged, heavily fortified, Bergen-proof survival bunker." He lives in the bunker and has enough provisions to last him ten years…eleven if he's willing to store and drink his own sweat…which he is (gross).

Branch always feels the need to be crazy over-prepared for everything (so do I), no matter how crazy it drives the others (same here). The other Trolls all say that he ruins everything by interrupting their fun and panicking that "The Bergens are coming!" when in reality there's no Bergen in sight and there hasn't been for 20 years by that point and he's just paranoid. To them, he's basically like the boy who cried wolf…or in this case, the Troll who cried Bergen.

When Poppy invites Branch to her party, Branch immediately declines, saying that he "wouldn't be caught dead at her party" before adding that all the others "will be caught and dead" because of how big, loud, and crazy it's going to be. Branch frustratedly declares that Poppy's party is just gonna lead the Bergens right to the Trolls, and they all just brush his warning off because they haven't had to worry about Bergens in 20 years. That night, during the party, Branch is out collecting more provisions and he looks at the party from afar, scoffing at the others and their carefree attitudes before retreating back to his bunker. Before he knows it though, Poppy is banging on his door because a Bergen attacked the party and took all her friends. Branch, in his paranoia and anxiety, drags Poppy inside the bunker with him and sets up all his traps as they sit and wait in silence before Poppy tells him the Bergen is gone.

Branch, still paranoid, doesn't believe her and says that it could still be out there "watching…waiting…listening…" He clearly feels like he can never let his guard down, always on hyper-alert, checking for any danger. This is a common symptom of PTSD - hyper-vigilance (I have this symptom myself), and it can contribute to paranoia, making it even worse (it definitely does for me, and it looks like it's the same for Branch).

When Poppy asks him to go to Bergen Town with her to save everyone, Branch, with no hesitation, says no, that they're not his friends, they're Poppy's friends, and that he's staying in his bunker because his bunker is safe. He takes her down to the lower levels of the bunker, and this is where we see some obvious evidence of his mental state. There is frantic fear writing ALL OVER THE WALLS, and it says things like, "Run", "Danger", "Bergens eat us", "Teeth in the night", among many other things that are hastily scribbled and illegible (though Branch has bad writing in general, so it's already hard to read, but my point stands). He's even got multiple papers with horrifying drawings of the Bergens hung up on that wall as well. I have never really seen anyone else in this fandom talk about the writing all over Branch's walls, so I'm gonna talk about it myself. It makes it look like the poor guy spiraled, lost control, and had a manic episode…or eleven.

(Seriously, just LOOK at all this!!! This man is NOT okay!!!)

He's clearly TERRIFIED of Bergens, and wants to do everything in his power to avoid ever encountering one (which, fair, they do wanna EAT the Trolls, so that's a valid fear). Branch's fear of Bergens though, is not a normal fear, it seems to be a phobia, which would explain the paranoia. Obviously there's something going on inside his head involving Bergens that will definitely be revealed later. (foreshadowing)

Poppy completely disrespects Branch's needs, wishes, and privacy by letting all the other Trolls into the bunker while she goes to save her friends that got taken. This kinda made me upset because Branch clearly didn't give her permission to invade his personal space like that and make his own home suddenly feel unsafe with everyone there going through his stuff all at once. He freaks out when it's "Hug Time" because he doesn't want to be touched, especially not by all these Trolls he doesn't trust, so he packs a backpack and goes after Poppy, saving her from some spiders.

(This is honestly really upsetting to watch, she totally disrespects and ignores his boundaries here and it hurts to see him freak out over Hug Time because I also hate being touched, which means I also dislike hugs as a result of that...I only willingly hug my grandparents, that's it, no one else, not even my own parents.)

The whole way to Bergen Town, Branch is gloomy, brooding, and irritable. He tells Poppy that the world isn't all "cupcakes and rainbows" when she asks what happened to him to make him the way he is.

Poppy and her constant singing get on his nerves, the worst instance of this being when she starts singing at night when he's trying to sleep, making him angry enough to throw her ukulele into the campfire, burning it.

(This scene always gets a laugh out of me, the way it's animated is just perfect comedy XD)

Singing is clearly triggering for him, which we find out why later on when he adamantly refuses to sing with the others when they're trying to help Bridget get a date with King Gristle by giving her a makeover. Poppy asks him why he won't sing and he responds with (probably) the most iconic line in the entire film (and not one that people seem to be able to take seriously…but I take it as seriously as can be): "BECAUSE SINGING KILLED MY GRANDMA, OKAY?!"

(His facial expressions here as he tells the story of what happened to his grandma are just...DreamWorks nailed it, and also the knee hugging pose...he's just like me for real 🥺)

We then see a flashback of a young Branch, happy and colorful, singing his heart out, but the Chef Bergen comes for him and he's so lost in song he doesn't notice, or hear his grandma warning him.

This causes his grandma to push him out of the way, and get taken instead.

Branch is so distraught by his grandma's sacrifice, that he loses all his happiness and becomes depressed, turning gray in the process, and vowing to never sing again.

(This poor child had to witness his grandma meet her untimely demise...and he blames himself for it...that's really depressing in my opinion, I seriously don't understand why people find this scene funny, it triggered my own PTSD really BAD the first time I watched it...I'm used to it now so I don't have my PTSD triggered by it anymore but it still hurts to watch.)

Now the bigger picture is clear. He's got PTSD and paranoia involving the Bergens because of what happened with his grandma as a child. His grandma's sacrifice also started his severe depressive state, as evidenced by him turning gray immediately after she got taken. When the flashback ends, Branch is staring silently and sadly out the window, looking like he's trying not to cry, his depression getting a hold of him once again.

(Again, DreamWorks really nailed the facial expressions here...he looks so broken 🥺)

I understand how he's feeling in that scene, my grandma is my LIFELINE, the person I feel the safest with…seriously I confide in her and tell her more things than I tell my own mom because I trust my grandma more…I even stayed at her house for a while a few years back during my worst mental crisis ever just so I could have the feeling of constant safety and less nightmares…so if something ever happened to her I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Singing is a trigger for him, and so are Bergens in general…which makes me upset at the others, AGAIN, when they sing the song that Branch was singing during that time…my thoughts were like, "Come ON guys, that song is probably the most triggering song for him…" As you can probably tell, I get upset with the others quite a few times whenever I watch this film, because of how they treat Branch. Eventually the entirety of Troll Village is thrown in a pot, ready to be served for Trollstice, and it's here where Branch's character development really becomes apparent. Poppy turns gray, quickly followed by all the other Trolls, and Branch looks around at everyone turning gray, like him, and, desperate to do something about it and help the girl he's now grown to love, he finally breaks his 20-year-long "no singing" vow as he begins to sing "True Colors" in what is probably the most beautiful scene in the entire film (I know it's my personal favorite scene).

(There they all go...turning gray...and Branch is just looking around at everyone, clearly upset by this.)

(His expressions here...you can tell he's thinking, "I've gotta do something!" And he does, and it's beautiful 🥺)

Thanks to Branch, Poppy and the other Trolls are able to regain their colors, and thanks to Poppy, Branch FINALLY regains his colors after 20 years!

(He's getting his colors back! I always feel so happy when I watch the True Colors scene, it's just so beautiful and satisfying 😌👍)

(They're so cute, look at them dance together 🥺! Broppy is best Trolls ship and no one can convince me otherwise, these two are PERFECT for each other 😌)

He thanks Poppy for showing him how to be happy, stating that "happiness is inside of all of us, sometimes you just need someone to help you find it", quoting one of Poppy's lines from earlier in the film. Branch now feels comfortable singing and dancing with Poppy and the other Trolls as they teach the Bergens that same lesson by singing "Can't Stop The Feeling", which helps the Trolls finally make peace with the Bergens after many many years of fearing being eaten by them.

Poppy is crowned queen, Branch finally asks for (and gets) a hug from her even though it's not Hug Time, and the movie ends.

(They are so adorable I can't take it!)

This is not the end of Branch's journey though, there's still two more movies to cover! I'll be covering the second movie hopefully soon, so I hope you look forward to that, and I hope you enjoyed this character analysis on Branch in the first movie! If I missed anything please feel free to let me know in the comments! I sometimes miss things especially with relatable characters because sometimes there are aspects that trigger me so I try to forget about those aspects, and sometimes the character as a whole just hits too close to home and writing analyses on them is too overwhelming because of that (Branch is one of those characters, so it took me ages to write this and gather all the GIFs and images...and also this entire analysis was written ENTIRELY from my memory of the events in the first movie, so there's that part too). Also please excuse the potato quality images and GIFs...I tried my best to find good ones but most of them I found are just REALLY bad quality so...sorry about that 😅

Okay, that's about it for this post! I'll see you guys next time for another Branch analysis, this time for Trolls World Tour! Catch ya later! 👋

[chrisevansonly]

Waves

Chris Evans x Female Reader

Summary: After a long few weeks, your anxiety had built up which only contributed to your lack of sleep, so when you try and get some much needed rest, your brain doesn’t help and sends you into a panic 

Warnings: anxiety, talks of mental health, insomnia, soft ending

A/N: I wrote this for my sweet bean @chrisevansdaughter I did change it a little since I usually don’t write Chris fics with a younger sibling, I tried to make it as comforting as possible so I hope this helps. I am always here to talk to anyone whenever you need, I want to provide a safe space for you to seek a friend or just some comfort! <3

Word Count: 849

The past few weeks had been absolute hell, from working piling up, your mental health taking a decline due to the cloudy grey days that January brought with it, you were exhausted, physically, and emotionally. You’d never had an easy time sleeping, but now it was even worse due to the constant battle your brain gave you every day, it’s almost comical how you hadn’t been able to catch a break for a while. I guess that’s why you opted to bury yourself in blankets on the couch in yours and Chris’s living room, calling off work for the next two weeks in an attempt to get a hold of yourself. 

The fire was on under the TV and a few reruns of your favourite show were on which helped to give you some level of comfort as your anxiety picked up. The more you watched he TV, and the warmer your body got, you felt yourself start to drift off. You desperately needed sleep, but having nightmares often followed the rest you begged for, so after fighting it for a little bit, you eventually fell asleep. 

All you could hear was constant screaming and loud noises as you looked around frantically, it was like you were paralyzed in your nightmare and couldn’t move. It must have been a few hours of sleep you’d managed to get before you shot up, gasping for air, a pair of hands finding your cheeks and holding you steady 

“Hey, hey, hey…breathe honey…it’s okay, I’m here”

“I-I..s-so loud”

Chris looked at you with concern as tears started to fall down your cheeks, his thumbs catching some of them as they fell 

“You’re okay, you’re safe…did you have another nightmare?”

You nodded your head, hands moving to hold his wrists almost as if to check if he was really right in front of you, closing your eyes to take a few deep breaths, Chris sending gentle praise your way until you opened your eyes again to look at him

“It was the same one…I just wanted to s-sleep, and i’m so tired”

He nodded listening to you as you spoke 

“I even called off work for two weeks because they w-won’t give me a break, I just need a break Chris”

Chris could feel his heartbreak seeing his girl so exhausted, the sound of pure burnout evident in her voice, wishing he could snap his fingers and make everything better, so for now he opted to get up onto the couch and cuddle in beside you, bringing you to his chest and letting you lay your tired body against his

“Okay sweet girl, tell you what, the next two weeks we’re gonna spend some time just you and me, we’ll figure out how to help you sleep easier, maybe take a trip with Dodger up to the cabin for a few days to get away from the city? Whatever you need to feel better, I’ll support and help you in any way I can”

Before you could answer, Dodger had shown up obviously hearing his name, and took his place on the couch, opting to lay on your lap, the pressure helping to ease some of the anxiety you still felt 

“Hi bub…you heard your name huh?”

The pup looked at you with his big brown eyes as you rubbed a hand over the fur on his head, no doubt sensing your discomfort and wanting to help in any way he could 

“I like the sound of that…I think just spending time the three of us will help”

Chris pressed a few kisses to your temple while his arms tightened around you, adding another layer of safety for your mind that had now begun to quiet down 

“Alright, so you let me figure everything out, and I’ll take care of it all, we’re gonna get you feeling better in no time, I love you, I hope you know that, and I am so proud of you”

Blinking back another round of tears you lifted your head away from his chest to place a kiss on his lips

“I love you too, always, thanks for taking such good care of me…”

He smiled tucking you back against him and pulling the blankets up over your shoulder, Dodger moving to get more comfortable too

“I will always do whatever I can to help you feel your best, no matter what life throws at you, no matter how high the waves get, I will always be here to help you through it.”

For the first time in a few days, you were able to feel nothing but the calm and quiet your boys and home brought you. It was going to be a long road of getting you the support and help you needed, but Chris was going to be there every step of the way. He wouldn’t leave you stranded, and he sure as hell wouldn’t leave you to face these challenges alone. As long as he had you in his arms, he’d do his absolute best to keep you safe, and protected…and Dodger would too.

[elibabayblog]

The Effect of Suicide

You wake up in the hospital with Michael asleep beside you on the chair. You can instantly recognize his tear stained cheeks. You reach over and touch his arm. His eyes pop open and he sits up and turns towards you. His eyes lighten up before he kisses you as hard as he could.

"Baby, what happened?"

"Mikey, I'm sorry,"

"You have nothing to be sorry about. I just wanna know what happened."

You reach for his phone and pull up your account. You scroll before you see her comment.

everyone knows that if Michael didn't dump me this bitch wouldn't even exist

"She actually typed this?" He asked.

"She did. I just wanted to show people how happy you and I were together but I understand that I don't belong with you anymore."

"That's bullshit. I love you and I KNOW you love me. If you wanna take photos of us fine. Don't post us anymore. They don't deserve to see either of us."

"Okay."

You put your head down before grabbing Michael's hand.

"I need help Mikey."

"I know, we are going to get you help, but first you know where you have to go right?" He asks.

"Yeah, its gonna be good for me, I don't want my death to be a burden on you."

"Oh love, you could never be a burden. Do you see my face?" He asks holding you hand.

"Yeah."

"I cried hard. I had to call my mom and Janet because I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. Baby if I lost you, I would go crazy. That's what your love has done too me."

"My love has made you crazy?" You smile.

"I'm crazy for you baby." He smiles kissing you. 

"Your fans really hurt me Mikey."

"I know and I will make a comment on what happened but for now I just wanna spend this time with my baby before she has to leave me."

You make room for Michael as he climbs into the bed and cuddles you. You dose off to sleep on him before being waken by the nurse a few hours later.

"Mr. Jackson do you mind if we talk to Ms. Y/n privately?"

"Okay, baby I'm right outside, call if you need me."

"Okay." 

He kisses your hand before leaving the room.

"Hi Ms. Y/n."

"Hi, Doctor."

"So are you okay with telling me what happened?"

"Yeah, I had just posted a picture of Michael and I after a wonderful date night and I thought his fans might want to see it. What I didn't think they would do is comment all types of nasty things on my post. But that wasn't the first time and I had been dealing with problems and it just pushed me to try and end my life."

"Can you explain what else was going on during this time?"

"Michael wasn't home and I was missing him. My mother and I had fallen out behind Michael. I had just lost our baby and Michael was grieving in his own way, but I needed him too. His ex-wife had been sending me threatening messages and sending me death threats because I was with Michael, and my mental health was declining all at the same time."

"So it was more than just the message? Okay, well I do think that you should be in a rehabilitation center on suicide watch."

"Okay, I agree, but do you mind if my boyfriend hears this?"

"Sure."

The doctor opens the door and calls Michael inside.

"As I was saying, we can get you signed up and have a room by tomorrow, if that's okay?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, I will get started on that. Thank you for your time."

He walked out as Michael sat on your bed.

"They are gonna help you right?"

"Yeah, they are going to make sure I never have to do something like this again."

"Okay, I love you."

"I love you more."

[rhymingtree]

The King makes his entrance...

Ooh a Bucky POV flashback... this is gonna hurt

Oh no, it's worse. It's a nightmare.

Aww, he kept her backpack...

A moment of silence for Bucky's declining mental and emotional health, courtesy of Darke

SAMUEL. WILSON. DIDN'T WE ALREADY TELL YOU. SOMETIMES NATASHA IS WRONG.

Only sometimes. But this is one of those times.

She wasn’t their friend, she was a manipulator that had been lying to them from the start.

No, that's a lie nonononono

Goddamnit

Poor Steve had to deal with two Russians and his girlfriend taking his archer buddy hostage and then said hostage buddy had to deal with his best friend's (ex???) girlfriend who was pulling theatrics on every single one of them... no wonder he's tired.

 “Why do my World War Two veterans constantly look like shit?”

I feel like based on that limited information you can kinda tell what the answer is but ok Tony keep trying to be funny

OH MY GOD PETER

.... I completely forgot he was here.... um

He's in so much trouble HAHAHAH

You winced lightly, holding your side as the C-17 soared over the Atlantic.

I'm on my Wakanda Forever kick so I'm imagining a very bemused Namor just looking up from under the surface thinking, "How many times is that loud ass hunk of metal going to fly over us?"

That was over the Pacific.

Same difference.

Hyde!Ghost did not pass high school geography it seems.

Is she seriously thinking about jumping into the ocean? What's she gonna do swim for miles until she can snag Ollie's ankle and drag him into the depths with her?

What do you mean she involuntarily turned back toward the exit?

Hahaha that's scary I don't like it

Hyde!Ghost is ballsy and brutal... I mean she always has been but seeing her like this is almost always daunting to me

BOONE. THANK YOU.

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“I don’t remember.”

me this past week

“Maybe. If not, we’ll just camp out until they take pity on us.”

... They will not simply take pity on you, and neither will the elephants and rhinos and other wildlife outside their border.

Boone has sunset bias.

T'CHALLAAAAA

I missed him. I've been missing him more since WF and now I get to see more of him.

The faint remnants of the heart-shaped herbs disintegrated with every step his gardeners took, trying to save anything that was left of the plant.

He sighed, shaking his head as he looked over the room once more.

Thanks to N’Jadaka, it was likely T’Challa would be the last holder of the Black Panther mantle.

Darke, I think you just illustrated the moments that spelled out his fate...

Nakia and her T'Challa 😭😭

Oh my god they think they're N'Jadaka's... like Erik Killmonger would hire a dozen ragtags and one military plane to finish off a wary Wakanda only days (from what I gather) after a deadly battle.

Oh hi Ev, our favorite Token White guy.

The other Token Whites are coming, don't you worry

EEEEEY CAVANAUGH

SHURI GETS TO SEE THEM ALL AGAIN

AND SHE FINALLY GETS TO MEET GHOST FACE TO FACE OH MY GOD THIS IS EXCITING

I love Boone being annoying right now, she's so cute

“If King T’Challa doesn’t recognize this face, then there’s a problem,” Boone mused, trailing her fingers over the scars that tracked down her face.

she's right though, how the hell do you forget a face like that...

“I’m not leaving my plane,” Jesse said before pointing at Ari, “And he can’t walk.”

“We are on plane full of super soldiers.” The Russian shrugged again, “I’m sure someone can carry him.”

Ari sent a glare her way, “No.”

YELENA

I'M DYING

and what do you mean full? There's only two of em

“Tell me someone else is seeing this,” you whispered, watching as the mirage began to fade.

“Oh, I see it,” Boone hummed, nudging you gently, “And I’m really glad you can see it too. I cannot be trippin’ balls right now.”

Don't be too glad. She hasn't slept in eons and she's arguing with voices in her head. As far as I'm concerned, she's not entirely reliable right now.

YAY Boone gets to hang out with Shuri and they can build her cool awesoma lab and they'll be best frieeends and oh my god the hell that those two can raise

“One of the first things you ever told me was—”

“Ghost,” he said quickly, “Nobody wages war with ghosts.”

OH I LOVE THIS

“Ghost is a woman?” a familiar voice shouted from behind the Dora Milaje. You winced back, cocking your head to the side before a smile spread across your face and Princess Shuri appeared beside her brother. She looked you over excitedly, “I do not believe in the gods but...Praise be to Bast! Brother—”

I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT

I miss happy Shuri...

I'm tempted to just skip over ollie's parts because I only want good vibes and he is the embodiment of bad vibes

Why is Ollie laughing at the thought of scaring random people at the street...

beyond deranged, this one

I feel like Ollie is constantly on the verge of just grabbing Novak and throwing him out of a very tall building... like these two cannot work with one another at all. They both clash and just prove disappointments to one another

“The question is: Is this new soldier stable? And can we bend him to our will, instead of hers?”

Stop asking questions. Those questions are scary.

The real most important question is: Why in heck are these two not giving up yet... I kinda feel bad for them, they're all exhausted

well... except for Novak... He seems well rested

Yay Alpha Two and their Wakandan Adventure: A Thrilling Odyssey

FINALLY my blorbos get a moment of relaxation. They deserve this.

“Wow!” Boone sighed from across the jet, leaning further against the window to get a better look.

“Boone,” you snapped, “Don’t touch anything.”

“Sorry.”

Boone being an excited toddler is always the best

“You could have come for help sooner.”

You shrugged, “Something we both need to work on, I guess.”

“Indeed.”

They're bonding. Two of my favorites are BONDING. I am literally vibrating with glee right now

RAMONDA 😭😭

HHAHAA the Gringos have come to bring their brother home

Boone and Ev:

Queen Ramonda, Daughter of Lumumba steals the show once again

“Mama,” Shuri said quietly, stepping toward the woman, “This is Ghost.”

“Ghost?” The Queen Mother blinked, “As in the masked madman that saved my Shuri?”

I love that she said that in English so Ghost knows exactly how she feels about her.

But then Duke akes the credit (rightfully so) probably with the goofiest grin, looking nothing like the madman Ramonda expected him, or any of them for that matter, to be

HOW DID T'CHALLA READ HER THAT EASILY

She and T'Challa are tied souls in that they are mirrors of one another in many aspects

it's great using the mirror metaphor in a more positive way now

For the most part, Hyde!Ghost was quiet in Wakanda. probably also in awe of the view

You helped him see the vengeance inside of him. And he used that to better himself.

So, what in the fuck were you doing?

Having fun, duh. That’s a stupid question.

Never mind, she jumped in quick

You sighed, shaking your head as you looked up at him, “Can you help me see it?”

it's like I can hear the hopelessness in her voice

Maybe I've forgotten some details in the past few months, or maybe Ghost is such a good unreliable narrator that even i'm fooled... but everything is kinda... falling apart from both ends isn't it?

Steve trailed off, following Clint’s gaze as it landed on a pair of redheads across the room.

Natasha and Walsh.

No fucking way.

NO THAT CAN'T BE HAPPENING

If he gets to Natasha then they're all fucking done for.

She’d hardly been able to sleep that night, the chance to finally meet Ghost and Libra and Agent Cavanaugh, after T’Challa had talked so much about them, was far too exciting.

If I were them, I'd be more excited about meeting the fucking Princess of Wakanda, probably the smartest woman on the fricking planet

They were primitive, that much she was sure about.

If it's HYDRA made, it's a lot more than primitive. it's barbaric.

AWWW YIS WE'RE GETTING CHARACTER IMPRESSIONS FROM SHURI'S PERSPECTIVE YEAAAH

The way Duke is still grinning like a child in a toy store...

AWW SHE NOTICED THE RINGS

The man’s eyes were a striking blue that darted everywhere, all at once. They took in everything, just like Ghost’s.

Not an entirely good sign... but ok

Poor Boone... how come they all coincidentally look her way when she's admiring something

Killmonger was just like them after all.

He was trained to destabilize governments, taught to kill without remorse.

They were just like him.

Oof... that's a hard pill to swallow

also, now I'm curious... what would M'Baku think of this whole situation? I feel like he's the only person in Wakanda who could wipe Duke's grin off his face.

“You fought him?”

“I tried.”

“Well, you’re not dead, so I’d say you came out on top,”

I see the bar is on the floor again...

Is Shuri starstruck?

The revelation that Ghost is a woman would definitely give her points in Shuri's book. I mean, Shuri grew up surrounded by awesome badass women, but it's still different I suppose, when it comes to women who don't come from the same place she did.

Also Darke we've talked about how Shuri and Ghost's relationship would be strained after T'Challa's passing, so I can't help think about that too, seeing the two of them get to know each other more like this

AND. BOONE.

How many other women has Shuri met who can keep up with her prowess when it comes to tech? I'm sure Shuri has received a lot of praise and credit for how she turned Wakanda into the technological superpower it is now. But considering Wakanda has been closed off from the world, she hasn't received that recognition from people who haven't directly benefited from it yet, or knew how advanced Wakanda already was before she came along.

Shuri must be beaming right now. This is recognition she most likely hasn't received before. It's coming from two women she admired, two women who were completely different from the women she knew, looking at her works as more than simply advancements for Wakanda. Like these are art.

OLIVER

TAKE YOUR EYES OFF PETER

Perhaps… Lagos 2.0. That would get her out of the way, at least, for a while.

the fucking audacity.

DON'T YOU DARE

HE'S TALKING TO PETER

PETER RUN

RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN

“Show me what you can do, and I’ll teach you everything she doesn’t know.”

IT'S A TRAP PALADIN HE IS TRYING TO TURN YOU TO THE DARK SIDE

I haven't seen Star Wars in years so I might not be referencing it right BUT STILL

NO WAY

THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE HAVING THEY'RE COOL THERAPY TALK

Captain to Captain talk in a dingy old warehouse... and then King to Leader talk NEAR MOUNT BASHENGA!?

Hyde!Ghost is ruining the moment, let Ghostie enjoy her view.

 “I wish you could have been here to help my cousin. But, I fear he was too far gone.”

Right... because she has more in common with history's villains than their heroes...

Now my question is: Would she be able to help Shuri, if she had been there, with Namor?

Oh my goodness, she's opening up to someone who is practically a stranger to her?

Either she is truly far gone , or T'Challa just has that way with people.

“I have many questions, Captain,” he said, “Many start with ‘Why are you here?’ but, perhaps, I should start with ‘How did you get here?’.”

“With a plane.”

Girl, you are so lucky you're talking to T'Challa. His patience knows no bounds.

DID WE JUST GET

A DANNY FLASHBACK?

A PLEASANT DANNY FLASHBACK

OF THEIR FIRST NIGHT TOGETHER NO LESS

DARKE YOU ARE SPOILING ME. DON'T DO THAT. IT'LL GET TO MY HEAD. (and other places)

— Danny laughed again, his breath whispering across your neck as he buried his face there, “I'm not afraid to throw your pretty ass out in the snow.” —

— “You think I'm pretty?” —

— “I think you're beautiful.” —

crying screaming throwing up dying

“Listen,” T’Challa said, pressing a finger to his lips with a sure nod, “In my culture, death is not the end. And, if you listen closely, you can hear them guiding you.”

“I love your crazy ass. You can do this. We can do this together. I love you, mi amor.”

gimme a second

how dare you how fuckin dare you

how dare you give her that sliver of peace and then

and then you follow it up with Bucky losing his mind, losing his trust in everyone including Ghost

NO

NO NO NO NO NO

NOT HIM

WHY IS HE HERE

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE

NO

DARKE

GET OUR BOY AWAY FROM HIM

Bucky rocked to his feet too, closing the distance between them with a snarl as he grabbed onto Walsh’s collar, “If you hurt her again, I will not hesitate to snap your goddamn neck.”

DO IT. DO IT NOW.

IT'S RIGHT THERE. JUST DO IT.

SNAP HIM LIKE A TWIG

AAAAAAAGH DARKE

I think this one's my favorite chapter... And it's mostly T'Challa and Shuri's doing.

But it could also be the most infuriating one (other than when Ollie revealed himself to be Ghost Wraith). He's getting his claws into every single one and it is terrifying.

I wish I had actually read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde so I could connect those two with Ghost and her own dark side, y'know, so I can nerd out. But my god the way you write her inner thoughts and Ghost's thoughts, the push and pull on her sanity... oh it's perfect.

That little teaser for Origins too, hehehe I'm getting too excited.

Man I love this so much Darke. And you told me earlier that you had trouble writing Wakandans. I think you did a wonderful job on all of their dialogue, especially T'Challa. You captured his calming aura, his elegance, and his reflection of Ghost so so well.

My favorite part is Ramonda calling Ghost a madman and Duke taking the credit for that madness. We love an exciteable bean.

CHAPTER 85: WAR DOGS 

To all my live reactors,

Please, please, please, hide your reactions under a Read More cut. I don’t want any spoilers floating around. 

&

To all my Anonymous Avengers, 

If you want to react in my asks, feel free. However, I won’t be answering any of them until at least Wednesday if they contain spoilers. 

Thank you,

Darke

┍━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┑

And, for a moment, a weight was lifted off your shoulders.

For a moment, the air was still.

For a moment, you felt the peace he’d told you about.

The stillness, the clarity, the calm.

The King broke the silence after a moment, “We have a saying here: Rain beats the panther’s skin but it does not wash out the spots.”

You glanced up at him, with a deadpan, “No matter how hard I try, I can’t escape who I am?”

“Something like that.”

“That is not helpful, your Highness.”

T’Challa chuckled, looking you over carefully before reaching over to wipe a stray tear that ran down your cheek, “You have to accept yourself. That is what I mean.”

┕━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┙

» CHAPTER 85: WAR DOGS 

✪ Bᴀᴛᴛʟᴇ Sᴄᴀʀʀᴇᴅ : Aғᴛᴇʀᴍᴀᴛʜ

♜♠ Tʜᴇ Sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ & Tʜᴇ Sᴘʏ

⧗ Tʜᴇ Rᴇᴅ Rᴏᴏᴍ

»Jᴏɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʀᴋᴇ sɪᴅᴇ Tᴀɢʟɪsᴛ

@thexbookxnerdx // @autumn-em // @fadingbakeryfarmoperator // @rhymingtree // @itsmeatballworld // @kippykasey // @turtleedovee // @kamalymaly // @onewithnomightypowers // @y-napotat // @riahmcq // @thequeenofthefallen // @jesuswasnotawhiteman // @fnnshelbys // @knowyourworth-sellyoursoul // @banbananas // @beans-and-toast // @violetvictoriabarnes // @oikawasblueearbud // @itsarussian // @mrsbarnesinmyimagination // @oopsiedoopsie23 // @luhuhzy // @heyimjustlaura12 // @moonlightreader649 // @petalren // @sighmurderbot // @soldat-petala // @useless-creature-213 // @xiyouchan // @kaiblog50 // @bookfeen // @nx-crisis // @aftermatharchives

***if you have a strike through your handle, it wouldn’t let me tag you 😞

[admiringlove]

i fucking got passing grades what the fuck is this atrocity i studied for this exam.

[homesickhalfling]

I watched Bo's new special Inside today.

#spoilers #Inside #boburnham #howthefuckdoiputthisunderacutidontwannaruinpeoplesfeedswiththiscrap #idontknowhowhashtagswork

---

I felt anxiety before I watched it, almost like I knew it was going to hurt me.

And it did.

About halfway through i realized I had spent a lot of it literally hugging myself.

I sobbed after it was done. Sobbed.

Then I spent half an hour in the fetal position in silence in my room wondering what I was supposed to do now.

He articulated everything I had been feeling but running from for the past few years because I didn't want to acknowledge it or know how to say it, let alone fix it. ("There's that feeling again")

He proved that I was right when I had guessed that making this special would be a difficult regression for him and not good for his mental health. That he'd start questioning his life and his career.

It was hard to watch someone essentially record themselves having a breakdown over the course of a year. Even when he was trying to make me laugh I felt bad for doing it... yet I still laughed.

I feel partially responsible for his mental state. I participated. We all did. We gave him the likes, the views, the follows, the ticket sales. He was a child star and it fucked him up. There's a moment where he's sitting there watching one of his early YouTube videos and I just felt such pain for him. How horrible it must feel to live in the spotlight and be expected to make others happy ("dance you fucking monkey/ watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself") and no one deserves to live their lives in that state.

He pointed out so expertly how the internet has spun wildly out of control and technology is too accessible and is ruining society. How everyone has to broadcast themselves and their opinions all the time. How kids grow up attached to tech that is rewiring their brains and development.

It was hard to watch. Of course he was funny, he made silly jokes and did silly dances and made fun of people and himself in poignant and catchy ways as he always does... but at the core of it all was this struggle of trying to make sense of a world that doesnt make any fucking sense. That is harmful in almost every way. And not wanting to participate in it anymore but having no way out.

He talked about wanting to kill himself, but not kill himself. I know that exact feeling. I have been saying it for months (maybe not out loud cause I don't want to alarm anyone but...) some days I just dont want to exist.

He talked about his anxiety, about feeling agoraphobia, about how the outside world is like a coal mine. And it's a perfect analogy.

He sang "congratulations" to Bezos. How many times have I said that exsxt thing to people? I say "Congratulations you won capitalism, good for you, now give us all your money."

He filmed himself turning 30. I turn 30 this year. It looked exactly how it feels. Scary. Lonely. Disappointing.

The ending hurt too. Its too real, too "meta". It's unavoidable and hurts to think about: He's come outside and "reentered" but all we are going to do is put him in the spotlight and laugh as he struggles with wanting anything but that. And yet he's releasing this fucking masterpiece... and like... are we not supposed to applaud him for it? It feels like a trap. Which I guess is exactly how he feels. Which just makes me appreciate his genius that much more for being able to convey that so perfectly.

He made me question everything (including my white woman instagram) because of course... what was I gonna do the second I finished watching? Post my opinion about it on social media. Like he said we all do. Like he asked us not to do. He's absolutely right that it's a pointless and empty validation thing that we all do and can't stop doing... and why? What purpose does it serve? ("Just perform for each other, all the time, for no reason")

I just kinda want to crawl in a hole and not participate in society. You know, like how I have always felt. Like my anxiety and depression have been telling me to do for years. That feeling I have to shove down every single morning before I get dressed and go to work. Pay bills. Socialize.

I dont know what to do now. I understand him not wanting to finish the special... because... then what? Just carry on like nothing happened? Go back to "normal"? Or go back to our isolation and wonder if/when things will ever get better for any of us?

Anyway... all of that being said... I think it's an important look in the mirror at where our society stands and what we have become. I think it's exactly what the world needs to hear right now even though it's hard. ("Look into my eyes don't shy away"). Bo is our mirror. A tortured, twisted, broken mirror for our tortured, twisted, and broken society.

And here I am... giving out my opinion that no one asked for or needed or cares about. Like the fucking hypocrite I am.

[captains-simp]

im on my PMS right and i really something angst + fluff w yelena or carol. you can break my heart (make me cry pls) and then make my teeth hurt from all the fluffiness, pls? (ps 1: you’re my favorite writter and i wish someday you starts writing things from my top 1 fandom | ps 2: sorry my english, this isnt my mother language)

Warnings: past toxic relationship, declining mental health, body insecurity, implied cheating (if you squint) and neglection

1.5k words

[ masterlist ]

Buy me a coffee? ☕️

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I love hot sauce.” Yelena stated as she poured the liquid onto her plate in excess. You watched her silently with a smile and wondered if you should tell her there was a spare bottle in the back of the cupboard you bought just the other day. “You want some?” She offered as she licked some off her thumb. 

“I’m good, thanks.” You passed.

“More for me.” She shrugged as she finished the bottle. 

“There’s a spare under the stairs.” You stated and watched as her eyes lit up. 

“I love you so much.” She said as she gave you a swift kiss to the cheek before sprinting over to the cupboard. 

“I love you too.” You whispered as you continued to watch your girlfriend in awe, still questioning how you could be so lucky as to have her in your life. 

*

“You forgot to buy the fucking detergent again.” Carol yelled at you from the kitchen. You instantly winced and slowly got up from your nest of blankets on your bed to trudge down the hall to your girlfriend.

“I’m sorry.” You said plainly, knowing that trying to explain your forgetfulness would only make things worse. 

“You said that last time.” The blonde snapped as she slammed a cupboard door shut. It jerked as one of the hinges snapped off the door, leaving it hanging sideways. Carol cursed more and you decided to keep your distance. 

“I was just tired.” You said honestly. 

“You’re always tired.” It was meant as a side snark but there was an overwhelming truth to the blonde’s words. You were always tired and the only time she seemed to notice was when you messed up. In those increasingly common moments she was far from sympathetic, exasperating your declining health. 

“Do you want me to go get some now?” You asked because you honestly had no idea what she ever wanted anymore. 

“Well sitting around watching TV isn’t going to clean my clothes.” You gulped thickly and silently grabbed your coat, wallet and keys, not knowing if she would still be there when you got back.

*

“You sure you don’t want dessert?” Yelena asked curiously as she noticed you eyeing her chocolate ice cream. There had to be at least 5 scoops, all of which drizzled in different coloured sauces and sprinkles as well as the occasional chocolate flake. It looked tempting to say the least. 

“I’m okay.” You answered and took another sip of your milkshake. 

“But I’m paying. You can have whatever you want.” Yelena insisted. It was endearing how far off her assumption was. “Oh! I understand it now.” She declared. You braised yourself for what she was about to say next, not wanting to discuss the insecurities flying around your head in such an open setting. “You are thinking about money.” She stated. You couldn’t quite help the grin that tugged at your lips. “You know my latest job gave me a pretty hefty pay cheque, y/n.” Yelena said proudly. “Many digits.” 

When you didn’t say anything in confirmation of Yelena’s assumptions, too busy thinking about how she was the best thing to ever happen to you, she pushed her ice cream glass into the middle of the table and handed you an extra spoon from the nearest waitress. “Now I pay no extra.” She said simply. You smiled adoringly at your girlfriend and took a large spoonful of the cold dessert, knowing that you would tell her that evening about how you had been counting the calories in your head.

*

“You’re really gonna eat all that?” Carol mused, the judgement thick in her voice. You tensed up in her arms, feeling her expecting gaze on yours. You put the spoon back in the small tub of ice cream and placed it back on the table before cuddling closer into Carol’s side in an attempt to replace the hurt with warmth. 

“I was done.” You lied as you plastered a fake smile and looked up at Carol. She smiled down at you and rubbed your arm soothingly. She kissed your forehead gently and tenderly ran her fingers through your hair. 

“That stuff’s not good for you anyway.” Carol said condescendingly. It was just a treat, you thought. “Maybe you should go on the diet I’m on.” She suggested as she turned back to the TV. There was no possible need for you to go on a superhero diet but you swallowed down your objections and put your fake smile back on.

“That sounds great.”

*

You nervously tapped at the kitchen counter as you checked your phone for the tenth time that minute. You gave a shaky breath and turned on the TV from the kitchen island with a shaky hand and tried to distract yourself with whatever reality show was on. Still, your eyes kept flickering towards your phone. 

When your phone screen lit up with a picture of your girlfriend, you picked up the call immediately. “Baby! I miss you so much, I’ll be home in less than an hour.” She called down the phone before you managed to get a word in. Relief flooded through you. 

“I miss you too.” You sighed and felt the muscles in your shoulders relax. “Are you okay?”

“Not a scratch on me.” She said simply and you gave a shaky laugh. “You don’t need to worry about me, dekta. I always make sure I come home to you.” She assured. 

“Thank you.” You breathed out. 

“No problem.” She answered cheerfully. A moment of comfortable silence settled over you both before she spoke again. “Wanna stay on call as I drive home?”

*

Carol was meant to be home two days ago. It wasn’t rare for her missions to over run, except that Natasha had told you two days ago that Carol’s mission was completed and she was back on Earth. That had happened before - too many times to count. You had stopped asking the captain about it after the first couple times. It only started fights that were hard to forget and words being thrown that Carol never took back. They took too much out of you and you never got any answers in exchange. 

You looked up in alarm when she finally stumbled through the doorway. You had stayed up for her just like you did the couple nights prior, dark circles under your eyes growing more prominent. She didn’t seem to notice you as she tripped into the kitchen and poured herself another drink. You didn’t try to stop her, afraid of her short temper when she was drunk.

“Why are you up?” She asked with a blank face when she noticed you. 

“I was waiting for you.” You answered simply. 

“Oh.“ She said. “Okay.” Carol turned and made her way towards your bedroom where she fell down in the centre of the bed, stretching her arms out wide to take up all of the bed. You followed behind at a safe distance and watched as she fell asleep within a few seconds. 

You got her favourite blanket out from the dryer and placed it gently over her and wished her goodnight quietly as you closed the door, getting ready to make up a bed on the couch. 

*

“Have you seen my keys?” Yelena asked as she patted down her pockets and glanced around your apartment. 

“Inside, middle left pocket.” You answered without looking up from your laptop screen. 

“Ah.” She grabbed her keys from her pocket and kissed your forehead in appreciation. “What would I do without you?”

“Lose your head probably.” You teased making Yelena shoot you a faux dirty look. “You know it’s true.” You grinned as you leaned your head back on the couch to see her better.

“Yeah yeah.” She waved you off. “I have to go.” She pouted and you did the same, wishing she didn’t have to.

“I’ll miss you.” You said as you held your hand out for her. Your girlfriend took it and gave it a tight squeeze. 

“I’ll miss you more.” She assured, even if you didn’t believe it. She noticed your look of longing and sat down beside you.

“Are you okay? I can call in sick if you want me to stay.” She said and you chuckled, brushing her cheek with your thumb. 

“That’s okay, Lena. I have deadlines to be getting on with anyway.” You said truthfully as you glared at your screen. 

“Goodluck with it.” You hummed and kissed her gently, something she happily endorsed. 

“Goodluck with your mission.” Your girlfriend smiled into the kiss and rested her forehead against yours. 

“I’ll be back.” She promised. “I’ll always come back to you.”

[helliontherapscallion]

Hello! For the event, can I please get a Philza x male reader who has old scars from self harming? Like, the reader was like "Yea, I had problems with my self esteem". And Phil just comforting him? Thank you!

Food Fights and Comfort

Warnings: swearing, self harm scars, and self harm mentions (nothing graphic)

“You have no idea how hard getting that enchantment was,” Tommy groaned out through a mouthful of half-chewed food. Wilbur reached over to slap him upside the head, “don’t talk with your mouth full. No one wants to see that.”

“Fuck off Wilbur I can do what I want!” Tommy shoved more food into his mouth, chewed it up, and opened his mouth wide facing Wilbur. Your older brother wrinkled his nose in disgust before he shoveled some mashed potatoes onto his spoon and flung it at Tommy where it collided with his shirt. Tommy looked at the brunet with rage before he swallowed his food and scooped up some mashed potatoes and drew his spoon back. Philza’s hand on his arm and his warning glare made him freeze.

“Tommy, if you throw that I swear to god I’m gonna ground you for a month.”

“But- but he started it! I-”

“Let me finish. And Wilbur’s grounded from his guitar for two weeks.”

“C’mon! He-” Wilbur was cut off by Philza’s angry glare, “don’t make me extend it to a month, Wilbur.”

Technoblade leaned over to Tommy when Philza wasn’t looking and whispered in his ear, “if you do it, I’ll do your chores for two weeks.”

“Make it three and you have yourself a deal,” he hissed back at the pink haired teenager.

“...Fine, just do it.”

You silently watched as Tommy genuinely considered it before picking up his mashed potato-armed spoon and flinging the potatoes at the tall brunet next to you. They splattered on his yellow sweater making Wilbur look at him in offense before scooping his food once more and returning fire, his elbow knocking over your mug. The steaming contents of the mug splashed onto you and scalded your arms, soaking through your thick sweater.

A startled yelp left your mouth as you leapt up from your seat frantically trying to brush off the offending liquid unsuccessfully with your hands. The table fell silent as they watched you.

“Shit, I’m so sorry (y/n), I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine, Wil, accidents happen. If you all would excuse me, I’m just gonna go clean myself up.”

“Here, let me help you-” Wilbur pushed himself up from his chair only to sit back down when Philza put a hand on his shoulder.

“No, you stay here and clean up this mess. This is exactly why I didn’t want you two to have a food fight, someone always gets hurt.” He walked over to you with a small, reassuring smile, “c’mon.”

You grew increasingly nervous as he led you to the bathroom, your hands pulling your sleeves down repeatedly. He didn’t know about your scars, they were something you struggled with accepting even though it’s been almost a year since you’ve stopped. You were lucky, he had adopted you just at the beginning of fall when you could wear long sleeves as much as you wanted without getting weird looks.

After sitting you on the counter, he turned to rummage in the closet for the first aid kit. From your short time here, you could already tell that the family would go through first aid kits fast. It was a very accident-but-not-really-accident prone family.

He let out a triumphant laugh as he found the box and turned around to look at you, wiggling it in the air, “found it! Now, let’s patch you up, yeah?” When you made no move to push your sleeves up, he furrowed his brows and looked at you a bit closer. He could see the shame and anxiety on your face as clear as day, confusing him to no end. From your short time living with him, you were always an open book, telling him anything whenever he would ask.

“Kid, why’re your sleeves over your hands? I’ve got to see if you have any burns, so if you could push them up I can put some ointment on them.”

You hesitated, the last time you had shown someone your scars was when you were still at the orphanage. You had shown your best friend at the time, and they exploded at you. They told you that you were a freak, that you were an emo for self harming. They ended up spilling everything to the other orphans, and word spread fast at the orphanage; every day was the same there, so they craved new information like it was an addict’s drug.

That began the assault of ‘show us your wrists’ and ‘barcode scanner’ jokes being thrown your way. You became the outcast of the orphanage as fast as you became the loved one. You weren’t sure if the adults knew about it, but if they did, they turned a blind eye to the torment you were going through. It was a miracle that you managed to stay clean during that entire time, you were so close to relapsing. If it hadn’t been for Philza adopting you when he did, you would’ve fallen back into your old ways.

You knew Philza would never do that, as he was one of the kindest people you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. However, you had thought about your ex best friend and reflected on what they did to you. Philza had something they hadn't, however, he had your complete trust.

You prepared yourself for the looks of horror and potentially getting thrown back into the orphanage and hesitantly pushed your sleeves up to your elbows. When Philza saw this, he gave you a reassuring smile and quickly got to work on your slightly burnt forearms.

The entire time, he said nothing about the blatantly obvious scars that littered your wrists. This confused you since there was no way that he didn’t see them. Before you knew it, he tied off the bandages and put his hand on yours gently.

“Those should heal soon, you just gotta keep putting ointment on it and let it breathe for a while each day. If you want to, we can go downstairs and finish our dinner.”

You snapped yourself out of the daze you were in and cleared your dry throat awkwardly, “sure, that… that sounds good.”

“Great,” he gave you another smile before he went to leave the bathroom, “I’ll meet you downstairs, just come down when you’re ready.”

“Wait!” You hadn’t meant to say it so loud that it scared the blond, but the anxiety and paranoia that almost blocked your throat forced the word to be louder than intended. He jumped slightly and looked back at you with a soft, yet questioning gaze.

You pushed your sleeves down and fiddled with the ends of them, “you’re not going to say anything?”

“I’d never force anybody to do anything they’re uncomfortable with, it’s just not the right thing to do. It’s always better to let people open up to you whenever they’re ready to,” he said, walking over to you again and standing in front of you. “The same goes to you, I’m always going to be here to listen whenever you’re ready to talk about it.”

You shrunk in on yourself slightly and nodded, contemplating on whether you should tell him about what pushed you to that point, how you were treated when you had opened up about it for the first time. Eventually, you swallowed past the lump that had formed in your throat, “I’ll take you up on that offer.”

And so you told him everything about your previously declining mental health and how the others treated you during your stay at the orphanage. Though he concealed it well, you could still see his anger when you told him about the jokes made at your expense. He never interrupted you to ask questions, he never gave you any sign of malice, he patiently waited for you to continue whenever you paused, and he always showed you that he was actively listening to you whenever you looked at him.

A part of you expected him to kick you out of his house and take you back to the orphanage, but he offered you nothing but his full support. Talking about it, though it was hard, was far easier to do compared to your previous experience. He was an easy person to talk to, radiating a welcoming and judgemental free aura.

“You’re not going to judge me?” You questioned him when you were done, anxiety gripping at your chest. He put a hand on your shoulder and shook his head, “no, you couldn’t help it; it’s heartless to judge someone based on their struggles… You’re a strong person, (y/n). It takes a lot to get yourself out of that cycle and I’m so proud of you for how much you’ve grown and persevered through what life’s thrown at you.”

“I- thanks Dad,” you wrapped your arms around him and squeezed him lightly. Without a second of hesitation, he quickly reciprocated the hug. He tucked your head underneath his chin and rubbed your back in small circles, “any time, I’m always going to be here for you. I love you so much, son.”

[bangteamhyuk]

Seesaw (II)

Genre: Mature/Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Neighbors with benefits/Fuck buddies, Producer! Min Yoongi, Fuck girl! OC Y/N, Neighbors AU (a Spin-Off to “Moving On”)

Warning: (NSFW! 18+) Car fingering while Yoongi drives, handjob, blowjob, cum licking/ spitting, Producer! Min Yoongi practicing SAFE SEX and ya’ll kids should do it too, mentions of bullying, suggestive abuse of power/ office boss being a d*ck, alcohol drinking and getting hammered, mention of sexist remarks, Seokjin being damn handsome AF just by walking in OC Y/N’s life like it’s okay because clearly it isn’t (I’m Jimin bias btw, I know you aren’t asking but I’m serving still) OC Y/N basically being unapologetically herself (living life in debauchery) and Yoongi knowing exactly what he needs in his damn life and he isn’t taking no for an answer.

Word count: 10,977k

SYNOPSIS: For months, you’ve been trying to hide your little crush on your neighbor who lives on the 18th floor. Until one night, you saw him drunk on the elevator with an empty bottle of Scotch, you asked if he maybe wants to have more of those in your place. And he did more than just agreeing.

Also thank you to these wonderful people: @flowerblu00​ @milkyshoooky​ @sugaaddiction​ 

“Of course, I’d love to….” you spoke low while taking a glass of water to drink. From the rims of the glass, you swore you could see Yoongi trying his best not to smile, playing it cool by pretending to struggle in picking the cooked meat from the grill. You bit the chopsticks to fight a smile, you must admit, that was pretty cute.

--

But Rush Hour. Of all the days you two choose to get laid was on Friday evening—a time where, unfortunately by default, everyone collectively decides to get laid as well. Thus, getting stuck in a sea of red lights. Needless to say, you two were bummed.

The traffic was so terrible, that it sucked you dry… literally. It’s as if a Dementor went around Yoongi’s car, found its way in, and unfashionably sucking you from underneath your seat. (Which by the way doesn’t look sexy at all. Seriously, who gets turned-on from that idea? Clearly not you) You were damn fine damp a minute ago, and now it felt uneventfully dry.

“You know what? This is ridiculous. I can see a motel nearby, why don’t we go there in the meantime?” you dramatically lamented from your seat. Yoongi, who was drinking iced coffee, almost choked to hear you declare your frustration so casually.

“Well, um…” he peered through the windshield “I can see the cars are moving in the next lane…”

“The motel is right over there” you pointed, emphasizing the short distance between the car and the building to his left.

He gulped “I uh-- I don’t like to take you to some sleazy motel. Besides, we have our own place” he starts counting by the finger “One, we don’t have to lie down on dirty sheets. Two, won’t clearly hear people moaning next door, and lastly no one’s gonna charge us by the hour…” facing you and concern

“Tell that to your friend who’s waning by the minute…” you pursed your lip pointing in his nether region. He instinctively closed his legs at your retort and chuckled “It’s fine, we’ll be fine… thanks for the genuine concern. Oh look, the light turned green! See, we’re moving?  I think the next lane is pretty lax...”

You can only huff as your dry reply.

As much as he wanted to leave with you right away and get to the nearest subway station the very moment you agreed, he couldn’t.  Because of all the days he decided to feel horny, he chose to go out with his car. He shut his eyes and dropped his head on the steering wheel to express his blowing resentment towards the cars, gradually becoming stationary on the said next lane. Thus, extinguishing any glimpse of hope that you two would arrive at his place, at an earlier time.

With an aching face, he wished that he could turn back the time and just to leave his damn car at the apartment building. Just so he could save his own balls from turning blue by the minute.

It was obvious that he was frustrated too, like you. Who wouldn’t? Being jammed in almost half an hour already? Still on the city street, barely moving? You had to deal with it.

Then it hit you: Yeah, why not deal with it?

However, you quickly realized that this may be a hit or miss. Not all people share the same interest or kink, but you were dying to have your back scratched, and so is he. So fuck it, you’re doing it.

You began to move your legs, slowly brushing it against Yoongi’s hand which was resting on the gear. He reacted, naturally. In fact, when the traffic light changed colors from red to green, he accidentally stepped on the gas pretty abruptly which partly shoved you down from your seat “Sorry…” furrowing his eyebrow apologetically, deep enough to find your pardon.

“It’s okay” fixing your hair from the center, and tucking it securely on your ears. Thankfully, you didn’t forget to put on a seatbelt, or else the plan you had in mind would have backfired. He sighed in relief, grateful that you accepted his apology.

Uncontented, you then pressed your hand on top of his. His hands suddenly turned cold as he tightened his grip on the gear, right before your touch. While you were certain that most men reacted positively to it, being open to a semi-public tryst, your expectations were not met. Instead, he cleared his throat and held your hands... held your damn hands.

He gently hit the brake as he approached another mob of halted cars on the next lane. Obviously flustered, he quickly moved his head to the side taking glimpses of whatever there was on his side mirror while withholding his smile. He momentarily pulled his hands away from you to shift his gear to neutral, then held your hands back. He even pushed his own finger in between its gaps and locked it. Locked your damn hands.

Slowly you closed your eyes and took one deep breath, not because your heart started to flutter, but because of your utmost disappointment at his response. This is clearly different from what you wanted to happen.

You took a mental note of the events and Yoongi’s actions, concluding that he was clearly a man who disliked beating around the bush. So, for the sake of being clear on your intention, you aggressively pulled his hand, opened his palms and let it slowly brush the skin hiding underneath your skirt.

He froze. Now you got his attention.

Nervously, he coughed on impulse. While his one hand remained clutched on the steering wheel and his eyes still focused on the road, the other hand was busy grazing your inner thigh. Surprisingly, he didn’t budge. He lets you take control, directing him where you want him to be while touching you gently. You then took his wrist, and guided his fingertips towards where you wanted it from the very beginning.

“Y/N, I just think it’s better if we wai---” for a moment, he had forgotten what he wanted to say to you next, because suddenly he felt his finger move to a place where he is afraid you'll lead it to-- your wet slit.

He swallowed, his mouth left ajar and brows lifted in absolute surprise. “Oh shit” was the only thing he could say.

Whining softly from your seat, he reluctantly moved his head to watch you introduce his fingers to the pleasure of your flesh. You then extended your arms, cautiously reaching for his legs and caressed it intently. His eyes blinked rapidly, as he turned his head back to face the road, refusing to look back. His mouth is still hanging from the air, as his head floats in uncertainty mixed with pure ecstacy.

No one asked but, really, this is what you meant by taking matters into your own hand.

It took him a minute to process what was happening, and as such, he began to return the favor. Now free from your control, he started pressing his finger on your sensitive bud and stroked it gently. He bit his lip right after he heard you moaned, “...Yoongi”

“Fuck” he suddenly saw the traffic light turn red to green. He slowly stepped on the gas pedal, ��careful enough to prevent you being thrown from your seat again. He was now steering the wheel with one hand as he flicked your clit with the other at a steady pace. As acknowledgement on being gratified, you opened your legs wider.

He was game.

Yoongi briefly pulled his hands away from you to maneuver the car smoothly on the highway. He grunted at the view of another sight of flooded red lights. He wanted to get home so bad. All he could think of was to get on the bed with you with his cock finally warmed. But the highway had led this poor man’s dreams down in an instant.

Though, you refused to concede to the situation. You are willing to put up a fight against the status quo, ready to deny the world from preventing yours and Yoongi’s happiness from dying each second. Thus, like a good employee of this capitalistic world, you turn this deplorable event from liability to an asset: making this a great opportunity for you and Yoongi to bond closer. (Albeit, a different kind of bonding, that is)

As soon as he stepped on the brakes, you pulled out your seatbelt and moved towards his direction “Your car is heavily tinted right?” you asked while probing the cars around you from your window.

“Yeah, why?” He asked while putting back his hands to your slit, continuing to flick your bud, now significantly fast. You decided to turn it up a notch as you reached for the button of his pants. Slowly, unbuttoning it and pulling his zipper down. He started to pant, nervous to hear you reply.

“Safety first…” You then helped him shift the gear to neutral, and began pulling his pants and boxer roughly half way.

He groaned as he watched you grasp his stiff length, stroking it slow. “Is this what you meant when you asked if my car is tinted?” he quickly jerked his head up to check if the vicinity is safe, then briefly saw you nod your head to a ‘Yes’.

He choked when he sensed his tip poke on to your lips. It didn’t take a while for you to hear him moan when he felt his tip finally pressed the entrance of your mouth, gradually moving down on your tongue and on to your inner cheek. The warmth and wetness you’re giving him puts him in immediate joy.

He hissed at the sight of you taking him whole, and helped you fix your hair by putting it to the side, letting you breathe easy while you bob your head “Nngh… Y/N”

“Like that?” you part a bit and kissed his tip.

“Why do you keep asking the obvious?” he faintly chuckled as he tossed his head from his seat, right when he felt your tongue move from the bottom shaft and up to its head. Then quickly downed on him entirely again. His eyebrow creased automatically, as if contemplating today’s wisdom from the universe that all ‘good things come to those who wait’. He concentrated on that note like a mantra, as he shut his eyes tight.

Even when you were giving him a head, he was still kind enough to help you keep your hair away from your face. Holding it fairly light, trying not to pull. If this isn’t a gentleman thing to do, then I do not know what is.

“Y/N” He began sliding his two fingers in, which left you half giggling and panting at the immediate contact.

“Mm, you are doing me good hm?” you asked while stroking him slowly and watching his eyes closed, barely breathing as he mentally called to thank the universe for being blessed by you “You can add another finger if you want…”

“Damn, you are so hot…” His eyes then lit up, biting his lip and grinning with pride, thus displaying his perfect gummy smile that takes you to greater heights every time he does. “Yeah… I really appreciate your honesty, thank you for telling me you are horny” he replied as he prods his fingers in, progressively fast. Candidly making you clench and moan his name at the same time.

And like a good co-worker, you went back to hustle. Starting from the bottom to his top.

The tightness of your mouth in his shaft, the smell of your sweet perfume, the sound of his fingers squelching inside your very core, and the sight of you taking him whole, like a prized lollipop. Oh, and the fact that he pulled his (now) three fingers out from you to have a little taste…Yes, he nodded to himself. Licking every side of his fingers as if eating at KFC. Indeed, ‘it is finger licking good’.

It became apparent that all his senses were being satisfied when you finally felt him start to shiver. Everything was met, everything was good, everything became so overwhelming for Yoongi that even with his lids close, he can still see the light shine from heaven.

He gasped, leaving him marveled at your greatness by giving him a very good head. In fact, he found it so admirable that you start to feel him throb. Evidently, he is coming.

You were so good, that he barely withholds himself from coming. Along with the fact that he became unaware that his elbow accidentally hit the switch to dwindle down the window. “Fuck!” he writhed, thrusting his hip up spurting hard in your mouth.

“Yo, Casanova! Your windows are down!” The driver on the other side shouted.

His eyes widened, still sporadically shuddering from his high. “Shit!” He quickly pushed the button to raise his windows while his other hand pulled his pants and boxers up (at the least he managed to put his boxers up while in hurry, now 80% covering his ass) only it was too late.

Resisting to swallow his cum, you began to pull yourself up from your seat and look for a tissue stashed somewhere inside your bag. Upon seeing your head pop from below though, it didn’t take long for the other driver to discern what just happened.

“Nasty” was the last thing Yoongi heard from the grinning stranger before he finally put his window back up. Now completely shielded from his embarrassment.

Just then the traffic light turned red to green. Yoongi quickly hit the gas. Staying in this traffic was definitely the last thing he wanted to be in. He then thoughtfully swore to be mindful of his surroundings next time when another opportunity like this came, or maybe he would never (It’s too soon to decide)

But one thing is for sure, he swore he can never drive and see this road the same way ever again. Thanks to you.

--

A lilac lacy bra resting on his lampshade, matched silken panty hanging on the side of his headboard, black pants stuck in the middle of his bedroom door, an empty packet of condom on the edge of the bed, and his brief dangling, which managed somehow to reach on top his his TV.

Sitting with his legs crossed, his back resting on a pile of pillows with his hands supporting your weight. He happily watched you grind on him with great effort for a full whole blown minute. “Y/N” humming your name, in between his grunt.

“Yoongi” you recited his name in return like litany, hands gripping on his bare shoulders as you tossed your head back in trance.

“Fuck…” he began to propel his hips against you, meeting your every movement. One of his hands sneaked its way to your breasts cupping each and kneading it gently.

“Yoongi” you repeated, calling his name, spreading your legs wider to find your balance and continuing to roll your hips in synchrony with his. For a moment, the sound of slapping skin was all you could hear until it syncopated by his heavy breathing. He pushed himself close to you, hands now reaching towards your clit. Stroking and flicking it concurrently in full earnest.  

His head suddenly fell on to your shoulder, his gasp becoming audibly clear sending you into utter frenzy. In response, you pulled yourself back and began nibbling his ear, light and soft. He moaned. Yes, the kind that reverberates, delivering you to the edge. Thus reaching your high.

He snickered after hearing you whimper “For someone who initiated everything, I honestly thought you could last. I didn’t know just the sound of me moaning can send you to peak?”

With your mouth still open, you grimaced at his snide remark “Lie down, why don’t you? Let’s see if I can take you with me?”

“No need to, I’ll come any time soon” he tilts his head to the side and kisses you, simultaneously thrusting in haste. His sudden reflex jolts you in another course of delirium. As his movements became erratic, you held on tight to his shoulders taking it as a cue to give each other one final push to reach both your climax.

“Y/N…” He gagged as he squinted his eyes hard. Together, you both curse at the sensation, and deeply sighing together after hitting the zenith. You both lie down at the same time, panting. For a while it was silent, as if both of you were taking time to ponder on life in general like a hermit sage.

“…. Is this going to be a regular thing?” he suddenly asked, shifting on his bed to face the ceiling. Finally, he was asking the important question.

“Sure. You mean no strings attached right?” moving your body to face him.

He then pursed his lip to say something but quickly retracted. He figured he needed to ask it, so he just let it roll. A necessary query, he thought. “Is this going to be exclusive or….”

“Let’s not kid ourselves and make things easier for us, so no. Exclusive is quite foreign territory for me. Although I can still be monogamous, that is if you want it to… but don’t push okay? I can only go for a short period” you stretched your arm and rolled to the edge, taking the liberty to take his bottled water from the bedside table and drink.

“No, no, it’s okay. As long as we keep using protection, I guess that’s fine. We can see other people on the side, while we keep in touch? I think it’s a pretty fair deal…”

“It’s a good deal” you pointed out as he nodded in agreement.

“But what if one of us isn’t up for it any longer? Do we tell or do we not tell? Because honestly I’ll hope you’d pick the forme-- ”

“Latter” you quickly replied before he finished the word ‘Former’

He chuckled, and shook his head in disbelief with your reply.

“Fine, I can adjust. I totally understand that this isn’t just about me, so in all fairness, I’ll agree to your demands. But you have to agree with mine”

“That is?” He sat back up and pulled out his soiled condom, knotted it first before throwing it in the trash bin.

“Give me your number” you opened your palm to his direction

“Well, I thought you’d never ask” he picked up his cellphone he left from the edge of his bed, while you combed down on the floor to find yours. You two then exchange phones and enter each other’s number, and return it back. “That was easy” he raised one eyebrow smirking at you.

“With that, we can um… reach each other wherever, whenever” you pressed your lips together and gave him a smile.

He nodded “Sure, but only if you wanted”

“Only if you wanted it too” you replied, cordially mimicking his head.

“Everything sound’s good to me” he shrugged “So, Deal?” he stuck his hand out to you and you took it. “Deal” you both shook it, sealing the agreement.

--

Seesaw. It is one of your favorite playground activities. You enjoy the momentary high and the unpredictability of being dropped down. Although more than anything, you adore the power play. You get the euphoria from being intrigued, guessing each time who gets to take the upper hand.

You love taking predictions, you love calculating, but above all you love to wager. You wanted a brief scare from losing, only to shift the leverage to your favor. For you, Seesaw is a game of dominance. And in the game of dominance, of course you like to be the one in control.

Even when you were little you were so engrossed at that thought, obsessing to declare yourself to be the winner. You were so competitive, that it made you fall on a sandbox one time, when you were playing with your next-door neighbor, Hee-joon.

Seeing from afar, your father quickly ran to you and held you close for comfort. Although when he was dressing your bruises, you remember vividly how he warns you not to cry in front of boys, because little boys always relish seeing a weak girl cry. You always have to emerge as the victor at all times. Hence, you never did. Even now as an adult. You fight back, you always do.

That’s why Hee-joon grew up hating you, because the last time you two played Seesaw again, you managed to put him up above and watched him revel in the air. Until he realized you refused to put him back down, not until he cried. You watched him weep and plead above you. Only then you decided to put him down when his mother came. To say the least, your mother was upset with your action, but your father felt proud.

Seesaw is the game that taught you how to take the highs and lows, but more than anything, it taught you how to be the one in supreme.

Every time you deal with men, you remember every word your father told you. As such, when you reached the epiphany that love is nothing but just an illusion, you decided to take things to the sheets instead. You’d rather be engulfed with pleasure rather than unnecessary emotions under the guise of romance.

And yet, somehow deep within you, you were too scared to admit the rationale why you vehemently refuse to lose. Because at the time when you fell and your father ran to you, you saw it in his eyes. He was looking at you, fearful to see someone he loves dearly be in so much pain. He was terrified to let you know how far the depths of a wound can go, until you can no longer feel… and you’re afraid to know it too.

It is the precise reason why, right now, you are watching Yoongi cover his face on a Sunday morning. Leading him to his high, watching him revel in absolute bliss, under him… literally. Yoongi pleaded for you to stop giving him another god-tier head, and let him breathe easy, before you could deliver him any further to his overdrive. While you indeed followed his plea by halting, you decided to tease him a little by pulling yourself up from the covers and went on top of him. You took his wrist and pressed his palms against your bare chest.

“Wait” he paused as he sat up and furtively looked for a condom in his drawer. “Thank God, we still have one last…” he pulled out the shiny foil packet. You took it from his hand and helped him put the rubber on.

And just like that, Yoongi again was on a roll. For the past few weeks, neither of you resisted sex. Monday night? On your couch. Wednesday? On his kitchen counter. Friday after work? Inside his car on a dark alleyway. Saturday night? Inside his shower. Now Sunday, back on his bed.

Sex with Yoongi is great, but you already expect that.

But just like a play of Seesaw, you know that this kind of arrangement will definitely have some highs and lows. You know that one day, you and Yoongi’s sex drive will decline, frequent calls will become rare, until it’s gone. So, keep them coming right? Not that you are worried, but really what is there to lose? Especially if the sex is good and you two are on an equilibrium, like that in the game.

Well, not until Friday.

---

“Hey, good work!” someone tapped your shoulder lightly after closing the meeting room, you turned around to see who it was.

“Oh, Hoseok. Thanks!” you grinned, happy to see one of your best friends attend your team’s presentation for a Cereal Company. You’ve known Hoseok since college, and even worked with him on your first job. Even if both of you left and went to a different company now, you two still find time to catch up. It just so happens that you two are now working on the same project.

Dipping your head a little low, you whispered to his direction “I was genuinely surprised to know you work for this company, I thought you hated their cereals?”

“Unfortunately, beggars can’t choose” he replied softly as you nodded in agreement, while walking with him on the office hallway towards the elevator lobby “Great to know they promoted you as the Event’s Manager huh?”

“As long as they pay me well, I can manage whatever shit the world throws at me,” you said, twitching your lip to the side and shrugging, making Hoseok hysterical.

“Cheers to being a slave for money”

“Cheers” you both tossed an imaginary goblet from each of your hands when suddenly, you heard your phone buzzing, so did his. Both of you stopped from the elevator lobby to read the message. You rolled your eyes “Seems your boss and my boss are going to announce their engagement?”

He chuckled, “I’m pretty sure they’re straight, Y/N. But I can’t come to this ‘Night After-Work Drink’…” he put his phone back in his pocket after reading it.

“Aw, C’mon it’s going to be the weekend tomorrow! Plus, I’m going to introduce you to my colleagues, we’ll have fun! Just come, let’s go Hoseok! Don’t leave me alone, please?” you whined before him, trying your hardest to convince one of your closest friends to come by using your pleading charm.

Hoseok just stared at you and breathed.

“Why? Have you not forgiven me for that time I accidentally left my hairbrush on your car and your ex thought you were cheating on her? Hence, leaving me now on my own to suffer?”

You stepped forward to face Hoseok before he could enter the elevator with you.

He rolls his eyes “Still dramatic as always. I told you, that’s been long forgotten. Besides, I am dating someone new”

“Oh” you said inaudibly, finding Hoseok slightly displeased with your overly critical reaction.

“Hey, I know that face!” he narrowed his eyes while expressing his distaste to see your silent retort “And no, I have no plans in introducing you to her… Yet! Not until we’ve established whatever we are” he continued while pressing the elevator to the ground floor.

“Hm, still sounds trouble to me”

“We’ve only known each other for a week, Y/N. Give her some slack.”

“Then why are you cancelling extra working hours? When can you drink to your heart's content, hm? Beer will taste good, especially if you’re not the one paying” you bobbed your brows and smug “Just admit it Hoseok, she got you wrapped around her fingers. I told you, you can’t do this on a regular. Women like a little chase…”

“First of all, we’re not paid to kiss ass. Second, you also hated the idea of having to go there too and third, she’s not like you…”

You opened your mouth, clearly taken aback to hear his remark. Hoseok quickly clarified “I meant to say, you’re frighteningly the almost perfect girl…but she’s not the fooling type.”

“That’s what we all say, that’s what we all want you to believe Hoseok...” You retort incredulously “it’s better be uncompromising forthright than give you false hope. Go choose!”

Hoseok sighed deeply “Look, one day you are going to meet someone who will probably prove to you that not all men are shit.” he said while crossing his arms and stared at you, admonishingly.

“I already did. I have you” you pouted. The elevator stopped as Hoseok waited for you to step out first then followed.

“Besides me” leading you now to his car in the parking lot. His eyes flickered as he remembered something… or someone “Know what? there’s Seokjin-hyung”

“Oh, you mean Seokjin the half-god from the Film Department, in our Uni? Seokjin is infinitely out of question. Have you seen his latest drama on TV? Park Bo-gum even sent a coffee truck to congratulate him” You sighed resentfully.

“How’d you know?”

“Instagram. Okay don’t judge”

Hoseok chuckled, stopping at his car to turn it open with his car keys “I clearly am doing it right now”

“Technically, he is untouchable. You’ve seen how the girls reacted then when they saw me and him together on a couch? When we were literally just talking about Chinese Philosophy class during that frat party. And like some teen-romcom movie, rumors started to fly the next day and they multiplied by the hour” You opened the door to his passenger seat and secured yourself with a seatbelt.

“Easy A. It’s Easy A.” He stressed as he entered and adjusted the side mirror’s on the driver’s seat .

“The difference between you and Seokjin are that we’re friends… and he and I just happened to be in one class”

He starts the engine of his car, offering to drive you all the way to the bar where your team is having this week’s celebration “My point is… theoretically speaking, that there are men who are as nice, like he is. Plus, he knows those nasty rumors weren’t true. Won’t you forgive those girls?”

“They’re basically my creators? Shouldn’t this present slut thank them instead?”

“You and I both know you were once a college prude, and you never slept with any of those rumored men… Seokjin-hyung knows the truth. Even if he was conscripted to the list, unlike other men who took advantage of that, he fervently denied”

“Because that’s the truth. We never slept, Hoseok. Above every one, you know I didn’t have the guts. Wow, I am still not sure whether to feel offended or happy about it. Am I not worth it?”

“Y/N, seriously? Seokjin’s a true gentleman, that’s it. That’s the tea. I can even swear he was into you that time, until her groupies held an emergency meeting to evilly conspire against you… I’m actually glad they’ve been dealt with. This is why we can’t have nice things”

“Hoseok, okay, granted that he and I ended up dating each other back then… It is still going to fail because lov-- ”

He started to turn on the radio, loudly “What? I can’t hear you! Know what? Have a talk with your pessimism when you get to the bar. Here, I’ll even give you extra money so you could offer it a few more drinks” he pulled a few coins from his pocket and handed it over to you.

You chuckled, batting your eyes to his direction “Aw, ever the romantic Hoseok. Well, keep them I’ll collect it soon enough”

“She is going to be great, Y/N. Don’t jinx it!”

--

“Fuck capitalism!” your boss shouted.

“Fuck capitalism!” you all repeated and shouted it while drinking another shot all together.

“Y/N! Lara! Do that soju bomb thing together!” Your boss suddenly made his way to sourpuss the night by ordering you two to do a party trick which is gravely against your will.

Lara gave you a look and you just shrugged, telepathically and ironically accepting defeat from capitalism itself, by giving in at your boss’s request. You two were compelled to act normal as if nothing happened. Honestly, no one really needs to know about you, her, and canker Joe. As a matter of fact, you don’t want anyone to know that you tried to sleep with canker Joe from your office. Besides, didn’t Lara hide the fact that he was seeing Joe too? Maybe she was too embarrassed about him as well. Regardless, he is definitely a thing in the past and should be kept inside a box, six-feet underground for good.

“Hey!” Lara plastered a smile and handed you the glasses, as usual, to prepare both your famous tricks.

“Hey, hey!” you faked cheered as well as you helped her open more beers to spray on each glass, half filling the glass. Lara then filled each shot glass with a fair amount of soju, while you meticulously placed them strategically close so by the time you shove one, the other shot glass would follow like dominoes (dropping to beer glass like a bomb).

This never fails to amaze your boss for some reason, to see you two do it each time, much to you and Lara’s chagrin. Truthfully, if you’re being asked, you two would wish you weren’t forced to entertain anyone outside office just to have a favorable treatment by the day.

“Y/N” your boss called as he pulled out a newly opened bottle of soju to your direction, handing out your glass politely to him as a reflex. “You really did a great job with your presentation; I really like it! Don’t be too shy alright? You deserve to celebrate!”

“Thank you, sir,” you turned away from his direction and downed the alcohol in one go, respectfully showing everyone on the table that you’ve accepted the harsh reality of the need to kiss ass so you could get cash.

“Too bad, Hoseok’s not here. He’ll probably have fun” Hoseok’s boss, who joined your team, commented while watching you have another at your boss’s behest. You nodded to his direction, to feign agreement. Considering the amount of alcohol he could bear in a single night, of course not, he definitely would not have fun.

“Y/N” someone murmured on the table, after your boss moved his attention to the recently hired employees. You turned around and saw Lara staring at you “Y/N” she repeated.

“Yeah?” you raised an eyebrow clearly befuddled to hear her and have your attention.

“I know you can’t handle alcohol well, just gently decline next time he offers. He has more people to oppress now” she lowered herself so you could hear her clearer and puck her lips subtly to point at the poor new recruits.

“Oh, I thought you said you didn’t want to be friends with a slut like me? Are we also going to pretend I didn’t hear that too?” you whispered back

“Whatever, just don’t come hurling at everybody and then throw up”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you”

She was right. She’s always right. By the time you downed an nth shot of soju or whatever it is they gave you (and add that fancy cocktail you wanted to try on their menu) your surroundings gradually revolve and appeared hazy. Somehow, you decided to take drunken shots of the bar and record random moments for you to post something on your social media account. Nothing too wild or nasty, just enough to flash for your friends online that you were having a great time on another Friday night.

“Y/N, is it okay if you come with me to the restroom and help with something?” Lara asked distinctly from her seat, loud enough to hear your superiors to cut you lose from drinking.

You nodded submissively, plopping down from the stool and followed Lara. By the time you two arrived at the girl’s restroom you quickly went into the nearest cubicle and threw yourself against the toilet and vomited.

“I told you so, even Hannah Montana can’t get the best of both worlds. Y/N, stop acting tough.” She crouched down and held your hair up while patting your back.

“I’m feeling fantastic Lara!” you deadpan reply while wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

“Okay, you are welcome” she rolled her eyes while burrowing something from your bag, then you heard something thud. Suddenly everything went blank.

--

The smell of musk, leather and a little bit of smoke. The feeling of the heat of a skin nudging on your nose. Your hands pressed against someone else’s chest, and the air breezing under the soles of your feet, as if you were levitating. You blinked your eyes twice and opened it wide from your stupor… finding yourself in the middle of the busy street of Itaewon.

You shook your head a little and realized you were resting on someone’s back. “Don’t move too much, you are starting to get heavy?” said someone in a timbre filled with objection.

You knew that voice, and you knew that scent too well too “Yoongi?” you asked weakly.

“Are you gonna throw up? Just tell me…”

“Yoongi, why are you…” you shook your head, that wasn’t the right question “Why are we here?”

“You butt-dialled me, it’s been so long since you called so I thought you’d invite me over but I only heard random noises then it ended… Until you began sending me weird pictures in the dark. So, I was kind of worried and called… But it was your officemate who answered and just told me to come pick you up”

“My what?” you asked, trying to process everything you heard.

“Know what? You’re too drunk to have this conversation and so I’m just going to take you home. Don’t move too much, you are slipping” he paused for a moment while he jerked to keep him adjusted to the weight that he is carrying. “Cutie from the 18th floor huh?” you heard him snickered as he asked.

“You saw my phone?”

“No, your officemate told me. Actually she asked me if I was ‘Cutie from the 18th floor?’ She apologized instantly because she didn’t know how to address me when I came to the bar to pick you up”

“Okay, that’s it. Put me down!” you tried to shimmy your body away from him

“Are you sure about that? She took your shoes from you; said she’ll leave it on your desk tomorrow”

“God…Must be Lara…”

“Is she the best friend you told me about before?”

“Yeah…”

“She’s worried about you”

“Mmm. Right.” You shut your eyes from the blinding neon lights passing from your sight.

“…Hold on to me tight” he reminded, as you reluctantly wrapped your arms around him while he trudged with you on his back.

In clear disorientation, right in the midst of the crowd, you wonder—why above all things, he is carrying you home without any question. Slowly, you closed your eyes and sighed while clutching on his chest a little bit tighter. You rest your head again on his shoulder, burrowing your nose on the fabric of his shirt. (Not to be weird, but if someone demanded what you’re doing at a gun point you wouldn’t think twice confessing that he genuinely smells so good, and that’s the whole reason) Somehow, whatever this was, it made you feel at ease.

And he wasn’t complaining.

--

“Y/N…Y/N” Yoongi rouse you from your mini-slumber “We’re here, we’re at your front door” He gently put you down on the floor and help you stand upright, waiting for you to enter your apartment so he could drop you home with his conscience at peace.

You crouched down and narrowed your eyes while pressing on the numbers on your door lock, offering it with great effort.

‘Access Denied’ it buzzed.

“Shit!” cursing on your poor concentration to get it right.

Yoongi sighed “Whisper me the number code, and I’ll do it for you”

“What? And enter any time while I’m sleeping?” you replied while unnecessarily glaring at him.

“Okay, that’s it… I can leave you here or you can stay at my place…” he put his waist on each side of his waist, like an old lady giving you an ultimatum.

“Fine... it’s wait…” You pointed a finger to Yoongi and pulled out your phone, pressing down the number sequence on the screen but in full labor. Yoongi, who was losing the endmost ounce of his patience, finally pulled you up to drag you back to the elevator lobby of your floor.

“Okay, okay, it’s 5991!” you spoke harshly, demanding him to put you down. Yoongi quickly turned around, to see if anyone heard. Fortunately, no one was around your hallway to hear you blurt your code so casually. He then swiftly pressed the numbers and opened your door and pulled you in.

“Oh! I forgot my RFID is on my wallet” you raised your hand belatedly after being dragged by Yoongi inside your apartment “Wait, what? You could’ve told me this earlier!” he groaned in utmost frustration, while helping pull your blazer off and beginning to question his choices in life.

“Yoongi” you grin at him with your eyes barely open “it’s been a while yeah? I miss your cock! Let’s have sex!” you squeaked quite happily. He then dropped you pretty harshly on the bed, not that you mind since you were too inebriated to care. “Mmm. Are you into rough play tonight Mr. Hit-song Producer, sir?” You reached for him, tracing your fingers against his shirt.

“I’m not…” he replied directly, rejecting your advances while he turned away from you busily searching for something. “… unfortunately for you miss, I don’t get turned on with drunken girls on the bed. Scurry over and try to seat on your back on the head board”

Obediently, you followed his demands despite not making sense, or at least because you are too drunk to comprehend anything. You shut your eyes waiting for him to do something to you until you felt something damp on your face “Yoongi?” you slowly opened your eyes.

“I am taking the liberty…Close your eyes” he asked sternly. It was beginning to make sense now.

“Are you helping me clean up?” you asked, feeling him gently brush your eyes with a damp facial cotton. “How’d you know which one is a makeup remover?”

“I’m not dumb, Y/N. I can read” he adjusted himself to mildly take your mascara off you. Flustered, you begin to turn your head slightly away from him. As if in a snap, the effect of alcohol was beginning to wane. Just because of the thought that Yoongi was doing things for you that you never expected. “Y/N, look I’m trying!” he clicked his tongue by pressing his thumb and index finger on your chin, securing you steadily “I heard, it’s not good to sleep with a makeup on… there’s a good chance you’ll turn blind from bacteria build-up if this is left unclean for hours”

“Says, who?” trying to dissipate the towering feeling of being embarrassed. “Your ex?”

“No, the idols I get to work with who came in late. They were trying to justify their tardiness because of their face after a night of drinking. Honestly, who cares? They have a lot of fans who love them”

“It’s a girl thing, you’ll never understand”

Smoothing another batch of damp cotton on your cheeks, he finished the conversation by telling you “Well, I do. You are pretty even without it…” he said while dabbing one last time on the side of your lips until you felt his thumb pressed on the edge of your lips.

Yoongi froze, did he just? He started to wonder. You slowly opened your eyes to see his face close to yours, just a few inches away from each other's lips. He cleared his throat and immediately shifted himself away from you again, keeping distance. “Good night, Y/N”

You watched him turn his back and dimmed the lights off your room, leaving only with a soft glimmer from your bedside lamp. Feeling stunned at the chain of events, you cowered down to see your clothes still on and your chest beating heavily. You jerked and shook your head reminding yourself that ‘No, we refuse to be your victim, Yoongi’. Then you felt it, clearly your body is still jaded, realizing on its own that you still had too much alcohol in your system. So, you tried to hurry over to your bathroom, only to find your face falling flat on the floor.

Gratefully, Yoongi hasn’t completely left you yet. When he heard, he abruptly went to check on you in your room. “Just how many have you had?” he helped you up and hiked you over to the toilet. You immediately hurled yourself to it and threw whatever you had in you. He groaned mournfully, while patting your back. He knew the answer to his queries, he’s going to need to stay by your place for the night.

And he did, but on your couch. He thought, it would be awkward to be placing himself beside you on your bed if you two are not having sex. Thankfully, your couch had enough space for him to lie down, yet he couldn’t seem to find his sleep. Not when he began questioning himself as to why you had him worried for the night, he shifts to the side staring blankly on your ceiling deeply sighing at the thought. He wished he knew.

--

The sound of fizzle, the touch of your dried lips, and the scent of butter, emanating from the kitchen towards your room. All of those, woke your senses. You looked at your phone and find it’s 7am on Saturday. Normally, Hoseok would gladly walk into your apartment to send you over hung-over foods, but guessing at the fact that he’d be with a lady friend you assumed he’d be unavailable for you in a time of need…. And cooking? Hoseok cooking? For the longest time you two had been together as friends, he never once attempted to put himself in the kitchen. So what changes?

You took your satin robe and swiftly wrapped it around to see who it was in your kitchen. You ran out of your room with a pillow on your hand and shrieked at the familiar figure. It was Yoongi cooking in your kitchen

He pulled out his airpods and asked “What, were you calling me?”

“No, I just… I didn’t expect you’d still... be here…Are you cooking?”

“Um, yeah, why are you always asking the obvious?” he knitted his brows, eyes darting from left to right, perplexed to even answer your query. “Look, why don’t you sit down and let Chef Min do the cooking for today”

You silently sat on your island stool and watched him prepare food. “Is this what you do to everyone you sleep with?”

He stifled a smile and pursed his lips to think. “I wish I did. Unfortunately, no. Just you, for now”

You folded your arm and poked your tongue from the inside of your cheek “Well you can’t do this…”

“Huh?” He asked with his back to you, busily chopping more onions and garlic then mixing it to the cooking pan.

“Rules.”

“Rules? What part of the agreement is cooking prohibited? If my memory serves me right, you failed to mention it, so I guess this is pretty legal”

“Okay, fair point. Then why are you doing this? On my apartment, on my kitchen, on my food? Is it all for me?”

Yoongi was taken aback, but he needed to answer promptly “What, you think I’m starting to like you more than a neighbor… with benefits?” he scoffed “Such confidence, woman” he turned around to snicker, playfully flailing his arm with a cooking chopstick on hand.

“I’m sorry but I can’t help it” you merrily bemoan in retrospect and shrugged. “Didn’t you say you’ve always fancied me?”

“Naked, I fancied you naked” he corrected.

“I don’t know, sounds the same to me” You watched him perfectly toss the food while cooking, like a pro. “Hmm, impressive. Are you trying to make me weak on my knees?”

“Well, are you?” he asked stoically, as he turned the stove off and finally served you a hung-over breakfast he made out from the ingredients available in your refrigerator.

“Almost, but not quite” you playfully bite your lip, fretfully eating your smile.

“You’re welcome for the breakfast Y/N” he winked, putting his share on a plate and sat on a stool right in front of you.

“Thank you, Chef Min Yoongi” you ducked your head, to tamper down whatever you were feeling in the morning. You weren’t a prayerful person but today you decided to whisper one from your seat. You needed it, a whole of it, before chowing down your freshly cooked food made by the Chef himself in front of you. Testing you by the minute.

He watched you while you shut your eyes and chant something inaudibly, and without you knowing-- he smiled.

--

“Min PD nim?” one of the staff knocked on his door. Yoongi, as usual, was busy listening to the tracks he made from last week now that it is back to being Monday again.

“Han Young-woo-ssi said he wanted to talk to you sir…”

“Oh, what about?” He abruptly stopped and turned to face her.

“It sounded like it’s a personal matter sir… so I didn’t ask him any further. He is waiting outside your office sir, would you like me to tell him to come back after lunch?”

He shook his head “No-no, it’s fine. I am a little bit stressed too, I was just looking for the right lyrics to the melody but maybe talking to him might help” he went out from his seat and decided to see his visitor from the same company but in the Accounting department. Was it about his demands against the company for paying for his daily coffee needs? Or was it about denying his request to fund him for another set stereos?

“Yoongi! My friend!” Young-woo delightedly extends his arm to give him a quick hug and pat on his back.

“Hey Han!” he sat on the couch and Young-woo followed, sitting on a chair adjacent to Yoongi.

“What brings you here?”

“Well, I saw you last Saturday night in the streets of Itaewon”

He chuckled “Yeah, I decided to do some carrying as part of my daily workout routine”

Young-woo nods solemnly “I know the person you were carrying. She’s bad news…”

He furrowed his eyebrows, pausing for a moment to comprehend the sudden change of his tone.

“I knew her from college, she’s been sleeping with a lot of men... maybe until now. Just avoid her if you can. She might give you STDs or something… Just stop Yoongi. I don’t know if it’s because she slept with Seokjin? Which probably made her impertinently bold and decides to slut around”

Yoongi thwarted him from finishing his sentence. “Seokjin? You mean Kim Seokjin?”

“Yes, your high school best friend and my frat brother, Seokjin. Did he never tell you about her?”

“He mentioned a few girls, but I don’t remember her being mentioned at all.”

“Well, I guess it’s because she’s not worth mentioning”

Yoongi pressed his fingers on his temple “Do you really see girls that way, Young-woo?”

Young-woo was left fazed at his question “I-Uh…”

“Cut to the chase Young-woo, I have a lot of things on my table. It’s not my cup of tea to entertain sexist conversation especially during working hours…”

“I’m just warning you. As friend, that’s it”

“Well, if that’s all there is” He stood up and tilted his head, locking his gaze against Young-woo fervently “I’m an adult who knows exactly what I’m doing. It’s none of your business who I want to deal with day and night, unless it’s about work. I appreciate you being worried and all, but clearly at the end of the day I’ll be responsible with who and when I’ll be fucked and who gets to fuck me over.”

Young-woo conceded and sighs from his seat “I love your tenacity, my friend. But she is different from the girls you used to date, especially your ex” he stood up and walked towards the hallway

Yoongi just nodded. “Okay, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? Past remains in the past. Live in the present brother, worry about your future... not mine. Well there goes the exit door, if that’s really all you have to say to me. I don’t like entertaining sexism as a visitor” he points him through the exit door as he watches Young-woo leave.

He rolled his eyes, regretting the fact that he gave Young-woo his precious time so conveniently, just to listen to a back story he was clearly uninterested in. What’s the point really? If everyone is living now in the present, what’s there to huddle over in the past? One thing’s for sure, he’s going to spend a few more minutes at the receiving area to look at his phone and find some inspiration over his social media.

Randomly scrolling, he ended up in Seokjin’s profile, entertaining himself with his random pictures with witty captions, illustrations of cute alpacas and his daily dad jokes on his Instagram stories. His eyes suddenly widened when he shifted it to the next photograph and saw a familiar face from Seokjin’s story.

“Was it true?” he breathed.

--

“Yeah, that sounds about right, I assure you Madame Song. Tomorrow is going to be epic” you nodded.

“I’m looking forward to it Ms. Y/N” she giggled, standing up from her seat, ready to leave.

You did the same and bowed before your client, displaying your gratitude and respect. You took a quick glance from the window beside the seat and saw the sun glaring hard on the pavement “Are you sure, is it really okay if you leave right now? Didn’t you say you just had your facial? The sun is pretty hard. Do you at least have an umbrella?”

“Oh, do you? Sorry I forgot mine, can I borrow? I promise to return it to you tomorrow” she asked a bit warily. Of course, they never do.

“Sure” you pulled out your foldable umbrella from your bag and handed it to her.

“Thanks dear. Oh, if you must, bring your plus one” she winked.

You dropped your head and chuckled “C’mon Madame Song, you know I don’t do plus one. I’ll ask Lara to cover that for me instead”

She paused. Her attention was momentarily stolen by something, or someone in front of the cafe window “Well, why don’t you go ask him?” she puckered her lips and pointed out towards the man entering inside the café from its door way.

“What?” you chuckled in disbelief “I can’t just go ask a random stranger and tell-- ” you turned around to see who she was referring to, until you stopped mid-sentence choking on your words.

A man in black shirt, black leather jacket, and a black baseball cap? It must be….

“Seokjin?”

He turned around to see who was calling him “Y/N?” He raised both his brows in genuine surprise.

“Mm...Seems, everything’s pretty planned out now don’t you think?” Madame Song whispered to you close before leaving you on your own. Grinning from ear to ear, knowing she made a lucky guess to find you a prospect date, who isn’t after all a stranger.

“Hey, it’s been so long! It’s nice to see you here!”

“Must be cupid’s work, huh?” Madame Song winked at you both as she left the cafe with your umbrella. You shook your head a little, embarrassed to hear her tease. Then faced the half-god handsome man before you.

You sat back on your chair and offered Seokjin the vacant seat on the front.

“Hm, I honestly don’t know what to say to that, are you working? Was she a client?” he watched you write something down on your planner for a moment.

“Yeah, and we just finished” you clicked the pen and threw your arms up to stretch “and now I can relax. What’s up Kim?”

“Ikseon-dong is where I usually take my walk for coffee and look for inspiration.I like it here, it’s traditional and yet still a very relevant place” he turned around to look at the menu board, attached above on the counter.

“Ah, I see you’re working too…” you nodded. “You know their dirty chai latte is pretty good.” You pointed it out. “So, how’s your agency treating you? I’ve seen you in TDN channel the other night, and got to the scene where you were crying after being left by Park Shin Hye… that was pretty moving”

He laughed with his eyes wrinkling, charming as always. “It was hard convincing myself to cry over a fictional argument revolving over me leaving a Peanut Butter open for long...”

“In her defense, she thought you were cheating on her over Yoon Eun Hye. But before replying to that, tell me who you will end up with, is it her or Yoon Eun Hye? Because if you asked me Yoon Eun Hye might be evil, but I totally understand where she's coming from. So yeah, I’m Team Yoon Eun Hye all the way!” You lowered yourself on the table and leaned towards him.

He squints his eyes and went forward “Not if you watch until the last episode, or you could bribe me with the most expensive thing on the menu”

You shot at him and sighed “Fine, you leave me no choice Mister Celebrity, sir. One Eggs Benedict and House Coffee, on me” he chuckled, knowing fully that those were the cheapest on the menu.

“It’s nice to know you didn’t change at all, Y/N” he gulped and smiled at you.

“Oh yeah? Don’t be disappointed if you found it to be untrue.” You stood up and ordered something for your old flame, well almost… or so you would like to think, if it wasn’t for his groupies who extinguished before it even began.

You two tried to catch on a lot of things, while taking a few photos together. Seokjin has an insane amount of following, compared to the number he had back in college (but was still considerably huge). Yet he wasn’t bothered at all, he still posted whatever he pleased.

Although he was now hyper-aware of everything online, especially the fact that some things might get him in trouble or even getting others into trouble. He made sure to explain things about what was happening in his caption before posting anything. Just to spare them from unnecessary and unfounded hate from his fans.

“Fancy bumping to a college friend *insert smiley emoji*” he said out loud while mindlessly typing it as he hit the post button.

“Why didn’t you put a sticker on my face?”

“Why should I? I already spare you from being tagged. That way, you can still keep your identity hidden, but this face?” He pouts “Too pretty to be kept away”

You blushed, abruptly shaking your head ready to say something as your defense retorted “Is this your way to get in my pants, now that you’re some big shot?”

He folds his arms and twitches his lips to the corner “You thought so lowly of me, I could’ve dated you. Should’ve asked you out 11 years ago, but I didn’t because I was afraid you’d get in to trouble because of me… yet, still you did”

You paused for a moment. “Seokjin. I—”

He batted his eyes and smiled “That night at the frat party, I was about to ask you... but chickened out last minute. I should be the one saying sorry, Y/N. I wish I was there for you; I could only imagine what your college life might have been. How are you holding it?”

You croaked, left momentarily speechless at the sudden revelation that was gradually unfolding before you “I—I’m fine. Thanks to Hoseok, my life from there became bearable. I’m sure he’s the one who shut all the people who were spreading rumors, he just wouldn’t tell”

He nods. “What if he truly wasn’t? Like maybe, somebody other than Hoseok did it for you?”

“You?” you opened your mouth in disbelief.

“It’s the least I could do. Besides, I’m partly to blame '' His phone suddenly buzzed as he pointed a finger to excuse himself for a moment to receive it. “Hey baby, yeah. I’m just here in Ikseon-dong? I’m in “Flower Yard Cafe” Meet? Where?... Okay. I love you, see you in a bit”

You lump on your lips, suppressing a chuckle. For a moment you thought you had a chance with Mr. WorldWide Handsome himself, but man you were eons late. Certainly, there are many times you want to hurl yourself over him regardless if he actually wants you too.

You were then so close to not giving any more damn to the ladies who would build a fort to push any of his prospects away. Yet maybe that’s how the world works, maybe you don’t deserve all the nice things because that’s how you were designed to live your life… or maybe it’s how the world chastises you for choosing to live a life in debauchery. Either way, You and Seokjin will never happen. That’s pretty much engraved in your destiny, if that’s not obvious enough.

“I’m sorry I got to go, my girlfriend’s having a fit”

“Hm, maybe you should delete your post about us?”

“Girl, you think I’m doing this for you? I want to annoy the girls who shit on my chance with you…”

You laughed. “Hm. Openly flirting with me still? You are playing on dangerous water, sir… How about we try next life Kim, yeah?”

“Ofcourse, just don’t get swoon with my face alone when that happens.”

You nodded in between chuckles as you bid goodbye and watched him leave the cafe. You began fixing your things and putting everything on your handbag when suddenly you heard the sound of drizzle.

“Ugh, should’ve known! That blaring sun definitely looks like it’s gonna invite rain soon... I gave my umbrella to Mrs. Song!” you complained to no one, whining softly from your seat.

Not wanting to spend another hour inside, especially when you needed to send a few paperwork to your boss for a report, you decided to just throw yourselves over the harsh rain “Know what? Fuck it, let’s just run and get wet again” you pushed the door away from you, ready to run while holding on to your handbag that was barely covering your head.

As the door swiveled far, you began to notice that the rain that was supposed to be falling over your head wasn’t just…there. You turned around and found Yoongi. His arms extended to you, holding an umbrella for you. You watched him smile despite slightly getting showered.

“Yoongi?”

“Why are you always asking the obvious? Hey Y/N” He scooted over inside the umbrella, arms pressing and pulling you close to him. His free hand held on to the handle slightly tilted, making sure you remained dry than he is. You stood there, completely frozen. Too stunned to see him at a time when you needed someone.

“You certainly like to get wet often, huh?” he snickered, trying to diffuse the momentary silence.

“It depends on the situation… I-uh… what are you doing here?”

“I was just having a walk. The weather looks good” he subtly gulped, eating his lie. After seeing you on Seokjin’s instagram, he immediately called and asked where he was. Seokjin, knowing Yoongi fully for years, did not bother to ask any more questions as he simply answered where he is currently located.

“Oh yeah?” you tilt your head to look at the dark sky.

“Well, it was, until it suddenly started to rain. Where are you headed?”

“Back in my office, just a few blocks from here. You?”

“What a coincidence, I am too”

“You also work there?” you chuckled

He rolled his eyes and sighed “Okay you got me, just let me take you there unscathed. I’ll go back to strolling around the city  looking for inspiration for the song I am working on. But until then, I have to see you get there, so that I could put myself at ease knowing you went to your work completely dry.”

“Aw, that is so gentleman of you. You better credit me when you find that inspiration you were saying” you playfully teased, knowing fully well you’ll give zero contribution to his work.

He chuckled. Making you suck an air to see another gummy smile from him, which he is very frugal of him to do.

“Perhaps I will,” he shrugged, smiling weakly as he faced the street. You swiftly turn to face him, bewildered to see his sincere intent. Will he really? Thoughts were starting to run around your head.

Clearly, when was the last time you’ve been held by a man? Was it yesterday during sex with Jinyoung a fellow regular from the cafe next to your office? Or was it during a dodgeball game during 8th grade where Taecyeon, your crush pulled you away from getting hit by a ball? Or perhaps the time when your father took you in his arms when you got bruised? You could no longer remember, because right in the middle of the rain, underneath the transparent umbrella, you watched the rain fall while Yoongi was there holding you in his arms…and that was all you could think.

For the very first time, you felt safe and secured. It was warm and seemed full of ardent affection. You failed to put words into what you were feeling, because evidently you had nothing on it from your catalog for inner feelings. Yoongi remains to hold onto you close, while continuing to walk on the streets under the heavy rain... And you yielded unto him.

The feeling was so foreign and novel that you were starting to feel scared. You are so afraid of the feeling of this unfamiliarity, and perhaps the thought of it that it might one day become … too familiar.

Suddenly it dawned on you, in this seemingly game of feelings like seesaw, he was now taking the leverage because you were starting to get your high.

And for the first time in years, you were unsure how this would turn out.

A/N: Ahhhh THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING TIME! I can finally share my song inspo for this  chapter. I know the lyrics isn’t appropriate to the story, but I was just vibing to this while I was watching this video when I was doing my cardio on a machine. I quickly thought of THAT scene and I was all too UwU the whole time. Anyway, hope you all have a great day! THANKING MY BETA READER FOR GIVING HER PRECIOUS TIME FOR THIS 🙃 love you! you know who you are 😉

[satendou]

⟼ some kind of disaster

⍣ all time low series | previous | next | 2/4

・‥…━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━…‥・

⇢ pairing: tendo/reader

⇢ au: atl!au, college!au

⇢ summary:  tendo knows he is, he was just waiting for you to figure it out  

⇥ masterlist

⇢ warnings: angst, breakups, akaashi being a good friend, semi being (maybeb too much of) an asshole

⇢ word count: 3496

・‥…━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━…‥・

⇢ a/n: 1) this is unedited. 2) i have a serious complex about this whole series now due to how well monster did, so i’m sorry if anyone is disappointed by this chapter.

i’m a liar i’m a cynic i’m a sinner, i’m a saint i’m a loser i’m a critic i’m the ghost of my mistakes and it’s all my fault that i’m still the one you want what are you after, some kind of disaster

They say falling in love is easy, it’s falling out of love that’s hard. What they fail to mention is how hard it is to still be in love even when you know it isn’t what’s best for you.

And right then, Tendo wasn’t good for you.

It had been several months since that first night and, though you had known it wouldn’t be easy, you had never expected it to be like it was. He had more issues than you could have imagined and a staunch refusal to talk about them. You had your guesses about why which you tried to understand, but the way he handled any small argument or misunderstanding in your relationship was unbearable and unhealthy.

Even now, he wasn’t speaking to you and it was tearing you apart. You weren’t even aware of what you had done because he wouldn’t tell you and you couldn’t for the life of you recall having done anything specific.

“Are you gonna do it today?” Akaashi asked, his words soft, full of understanding. The classical literature class you shared with him was over, and he hovered beside your chair waiting for you to gather your thoughts and your items up. He knew most of what had been happening with Tendo and sympathized because he also knew how enamored you had become with him. It was understandable-- you had been dating for a while, but he had seen a slow decline in your mood over the last few months. After the honeymoon period was over, he would guess, and the little issues that always crop up in relationships started to manifest. 

He recalled the night two weeks ago when you had come to him asking for advice, and it all poured out over takeout and wine. Even Bokuto, who always saw the bright side of things, remained in silent shock at everything happening behind the scenes.

You said he was never violent or angry or irrational. He would just...ignore you for hours or days on end, sometimes for things you couldn’t even determine, then come back like nothing had happened. If you did have an argument, no matter how small, he would just walk away without even trying to come to an agreement, then refuse to speak to you like normal until he decided he was done with that.

Akaashi’s heart broke for you as you sobbed into first your hands and then Bokuto’s shoulder, though he couldn’t refrain from smiling at Bokuto’s sympathy tears. His partner really was too cute for words.

Then you had spoken the dreaded words he was sure had been sitting in your throat for a lot longer than it had taken you to come to him.

“I think I’m going to break up with him.”

The relief that drew across your face as you said that was evident that you weren’t thinking about it, that you just needed support to go through with it. Of course, he and Bokuto were more than willing to give you that.

“I think so,” you murmured, taking your time packing up your stuff. The text you had sent at the beginning of class went unanswered, but marked that it was read two minutes after you sent it.

We need to talk.

It was too obvious what that meant and you were dreading the confrontation to come. You weren’t worried about him getting aggressive. In fact, you were pretty sure you knew how this was going to go down. Like every other argument, he was going to pretend it wasn’t happening and walk away.

The door was too loud when it opened, the students out in the hall too happy when Akaashi opened it. Your heart skipped a beat when you saw Tendo standing across from the door staring out the window with a pensive expression. Then it clenched with all the emotions you were feeling, good and bad and your head spun with anxiety. He looked so sad, his usually vibrant red eyes dull and blank as he watched whatever was going on in the quad.

“I’ll wait for you, okay?” Akaashi asked. You nodded absently, eyes still locked on Tendo. For most people, he would be afraid they were going to renege on their resolve and give into the false promises of change. But the change he had witnessed in you over the last few months and the quiet sadness in your softly spoken words a couple of weeks back had given him a different feeling. You would go through with it, and it was going to shatter you.

Tendo still didn’t look at you when you called his name and, if you had been wavering at all, that shut it down. But he followed you anyway, until you found a secluded spot down an empty hallway. 

You took a deep, stuttery breath. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” he asked, and his voice was icy. He didn’t even seem to care about the tears starting to fall or the way you swiped them away. But it pierced his heart, knowing it was him that caused them, and he knew what was coming. He had known it would end this way the moment he fell for you. He had ended up hurting you just as he’d said he would, and yet he’d let it get this far anyway.

“I’m sorry for whatever it is I did this time. And I’m sorry, but-- I don’t think I can do this anymore,” you whispered, drawing him back to the present.

Silence followed those words. You still weren’t looking at him, so you missed the widening of those sleepy vermillion eyes you’d so come to love and the hands that caressed you so gently curling into fists at his sides.

He knew it, but couldn’t stop the surprise, even as the first crack appeared in his heart. “I-- What?”

It was so hard. Without meaning to, you had fallen in love with him, flaws and baggage and all. You should’ve known better. You had known it wouldn’t be easy to love him but it...it was so much harder than you had been expecting. Too much of your time was spent wondering what you had done to upset him this time and why he was ignoring you, because Tendo didn’t talk about his feelings with you. He left them on a back burner on high until they were so burnt they were unrecognizable, and when he was done being pouty he would seek you out and act like nothing was wrong.

There was no communication in your relationship-- if you could even call it that at this point. You couldn’t find a point to being together if every other day you had done something new to drive him away. It was taxing on you, your mental health plummeting because you were constantly worried about if something was wrong with you. It wasn’t until one of your other friends pointed out how different you were that you turned inward and discovered that particular truth.

You were struggling to keep it together by then, the pain in your heart and the tightness in your throat threatening to overwhelm you. You still hadn’t looked at Tendo. It was too hard-- you would never be able to get the words out if he was staring at you with hurt and confusion. 

Taking a steadying breath, you said, “I can’t fix you, Tendo. This-- This thing we have isn’t healthy, it’s-- we spend more time f-fighting than we do-- or you spend more time ignoring* me for things I-- I don’t even know why half the time and I’m constantly wondering what I’ve done--”

You stopped.

Your thoughts were racing in time with the throbbing pain in your chest and your voice had risen into a high-pitched, breathless mess and you couldn’t think. Breathing in deep, you closed your eyes, letting the tears fall as they may just to give you some relief from the pressure in your throat and once again you missed the look of fear on Tendo’s face.

He’d seen it coming. He had been expecting it for weeks, but didn’t know he would still be blindsided by it. It was his own fault, expecting you to chase after him and deal with his bullshit on your own. He knew it wasn’t fair, but every time he considered the alternative, he clammed up. Still, he wanted to reach out, to comfort you and tell you he would change, but he knew it wasn’t true.

His problems were deep rooted and it wasn’t his partner’s job to put him back together-- even he knew that.

So his nails continued to bite into his palms at his side as he let you spill every pent up emotion, just waiting for the final door to slam in his face.

“But it isn’t me,” you whispered, so quiet he almost missed it. At long last, you lifted your head up and met his eyes. Those beautiful red eyes that you often found yourself lost in were bright and clear and dead, not a trace of emotion anywhere in them. Like he didn't care, and that only made you cry harder. “I know it’s you and I can’t do it anymore. Everything you do makes me-- I’m not the problem, Tendo.” He flinched at the use of his surname and you ignored it. “I love you, you know that? I don’t know when or how, but I do know why. But I also know we aren’t healthy and this relationship is-- it isn’t a relationship. It just isn’t. I don’t know what it is but I--”

He swallowed as your shoulders fell. The words he wanted to say bubbled on his tongue and he bit them back. Hearing you say them now was a cruelty he knew he deserved after the way he’d been treating you, but he still wanted to lash out and break you like you had broken him. But as a last kindness for what you had given him, he only turned and walked away.

The silence that remained spoke volumes like the space that had developed between you, and you left as well, leaving everything behind.

Akaashi was waiting for you just around the corner from the hall, watching Tendo shove through the crowd and out of sight. His hand was warm against your cheek as he wiped away the lingering tears. For now, they had stopped, but he knew more would come.

It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders, in some regards. The weight of your feelings for him still remained, and you knew they would take some time to slide off as well. Akaashi was watching you with kind sympathy, his quiet company a relief as you looped your arm with his, letting him lead you out into the warm spring air. It seemed almost cruel that the weather was so nice when you were so miserable, and a few more tears spilled. 

Guilt accompanied every breath that you felt so light following your breakup, but you knew it was for the best. Nothing good would come of remaining with Tendo when he was so mixed up-- you couldn’t make him happy if he couldn’t make himself happy, and vice versa.

Bokuto’s voice rang loud over the sound of the rest of the crowd, waving his hand above his head at the pair of you. 

“Shall we go get something to eat? And it’s Friday, you can stay with us, if you’d like,” Akaashi said, his voice soothing and melodic to your ringing ears. Suddenly you were more than grateful to have him and Bokuto in your life-- even if the latter was a bit obnoxious.

Like now, he was literally tugging you and Akaashi along behind him, talking nonstop about food, not listening to a word Akaashi was saying. But when you looked over to your friend, he didn’t look aggravated. He looked content and amused, staring at his partner with a soft fondness that made you almost jealous as you thought about when Tendou would look at you that same way.

There was a sharp pang in your heart as you realized he probably wouldn’t look twice at you again. Because that’s just how Tendou was. He ignored his problems and waited until they just went away. And you needed more than that.

i crashed down from a high that felt so real i never knew how much it would hurt to feel you gotta hurt sometimes to learn to heal you gotta get back up and learn to deal, yeah and it’s all my fault that i’m still the one you want

“You’re a fool, you know that?” Semi said. Though it was posed as a question, Tendo knew perfectly well that Semi was telling him what he already knew. As soon as Tendo had shown up in front of him, Semi had snapped that and he could only nod in agreement. “I always knew you’d do this. _____ was perfect for you but you--”

“I know, alright,” Tendou snapped, curling his fists into hands. It was almost impossible for him to hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall since he’d first gotten your text an hour and a half ago. Like the coward he was, he had ignored it and met you outside your class instead, a part of him hoping it would just go away if you saw him. But the hopelessness in your eyes when you had looked at him told him he wouldn’t get his wish this time. “I know I’m a fucking idiot, and _____ was always too good for me.”

A flash of your face and the echo of your words replayed in his addled brain.

“I don’t know what I’ve done this time.”

You hadn’t done anything. You had never done anything. He was a coward when it came to arguments but when he was ignoring you it wasn’t because of you.

It was him, all his fears bubbling to the surface and an attempt to push you away, to make you realize you were worth more than whatever he had to offer.

“Whatever we have is unhealthy.”

“It isn’t even a relationship.”

He was unhealthy, he knew he was, and it had driven you away from him. He only had himself to blame.

Semi huffed, watching Tendo closely. He was doing that blank thing he did to mask his feelings when he couldn’t handle them, turning into himself instead of applying the burden to someone else. He was sure he was doing it to you in your relationship too, and you probably didn’t understand because Tendo wasn’t being open. It was a vicious cycle, one Semi had seen too often. “I’m glad you realize, you idiot.” Then, more softly, he said, “I’m sorry, for what it’s worth. I know you love her.”

Tendo flinched, his eyes closing.

*“I love you, you know that?”*

He would have said them back in a heartbeat, given the opportunity. He wanted so desperately to say them but the words had stuck in his throat, and the less selfish part of him knew it was for the best. The situation was already fucked up enough without him stirring it up more. Saying those words back would have hurt more than helped, especially because, deep down, he knew he wouldn’t change.

At least he could say he had done something right, in letting you go. 

You would flourish without him holding you back and weighing you down with all his problems and baggage.

“I know what you’re thinking.”

Semi’s voice cut through Tendo’s derogatory thoughts, and he flinched again. He hated that smug, all knowing tone even though he was usually spot on.

“Alright then, oh great oracle. What am I thinking?” he asked, shuffling along down the sidewalk towards their apartment. Trying to think of anything besides you, he tried to remember what was in their fridge to eat. Old pizza is all he could think of, from when you had come over and--

Nope.

Semi snorted at Tendo’s sad attempt at humor. Not that all of his attempts weren’t sad but his heart really wasn’t in it this time. “You’re telling yourself it was for the best and how you aren’t good enough and blah blah blah. You’re still an idiot.”

“Would you stop saying that?” Tendo asked, looking up to the sky. It was still early afternoon, the sky cloudless, the air pleasantly warm. If circumstances were different he would be spending it with you by his side-- then again, probably not. He hadn’t properly spoken to you or seen you in a few days and it wasn’t going to change today either. “My ears hurt.”

And his heart. He could feel a slow throbbing building up between his ears. A migraine was the final nail he deserved in his coffin and the sadistic part of him wanted to exacerbate it as much as he could. Just to give himself something else to focus on.

“Fine, fine. Just one more time. You’re a goddamn idiot,” Semi said, glaring at him. He knew he should feel worse for his friend than he was, but he also deserved it. There was only so much sympathy he could give when Tendo refused to help himself. He had never been happier than when he started dating you and Semi couldn’t go ten minutes without hearing your name. Now Tendo was slumped over as they walked, feet shuffling against the sidewalk as he stared blankly ahead, and Semi sighed. “Can I give you some advice? You know, friend to idiot?”

Tendo groaned, rolling his eyes, but nodded nonetheless. Semi meant well-- mostly-- and usually gave good advice. Now, if only he would stop trying to make Tendo feel worse. “Sure, I guess. We both know I won’t listen though.”

Semi nodded, snickering behind his hand. The signal for the crosswalk changed, throngs of people instantly flooding the street. They flowed through and around each other, becoming separated for a few moments, until they met on the sidewalk on the other side.

“When you two are together, were together, I’ve never seen you happier. And Akaashi says that _____ is-- was-- too. Do you not trust her?” Semi asked, and watched the way Tendo froze up and paled, inhaling sharply. But he didn’t immediately say no, and that was telling. “If you don’t trust her, you’ll never maintain a relationship, with her or anyone else. Do you really want that, ‘Tori?”

He hadn’t considered that. Not trusting you wasn’t the exact issue. He felt he could tell you anything-- so long as anything didn’t entail things that might annoy you or make him a burden on you. His biggest fear was putting too much of himself into you only to overwhelm you, driving you away. That had backfired pretty spectacularly though, if he had to say so, and now he was left to wonder what would have happened if he had gone that route.

“No, I guess not,” he answered. To anyone else it would have sounded callous and uncaring, but Semi had known him a lot longer and recognized the sound of a Tendo who was in serious thought.

“Then you need to change. I get that you’re afraid, but those bullies from elementary and highschool shouldn’t keep holding you back. And who knows, maybe it isn’t too late with _____,” Semi said with a shrug, and smirked at the way Tendo perked up at that. He deflated just as rapidly a split second later, but it was to be expected. 

The smirk fell as Semi considered. The way things stood, you were better off because Tendo was unhealthy, and probably not in a good place to be in a relationship. He didn’t fault you for breaking it off-- not when he would have done the same. Still, he’d like to see him happy again, especially with you. But he couldn’t guess if Tendo would take it to heart and try, or whether or not you would wait around for him to decide and figure himself out.

Shrugging, he glanced at the barbecue place they were passing by and reached out, tugging Tendo to a stop. When he nodded towards it, Tendou sighed.

“Sure, I’m down. Shouldn’t be sad on an empty stomach.”

Semi groaned. “You are such an idiot.”

i’m a liar i’m a cynic i’m a sinner, i’m a saint i’m a loser i’m a critic i’m the ghost of my mistakes and it’s all my fault that i’m still the one you want what are you after, some kind of disaster

⇥ masterlist 

⇥ taglist: @sluttony​, @visaintes​, @yunhosblackgf​, @super-noya​, @byebyes-world​, @newfriendjen​, @atsunakaashi​

[prose-for-hire]

Love, Hate, Love: Part one

Part Two // Part Three

Pairing: Spike x fem!vamp!reader

Request: Not a Cordy request, but i dont want to forget it 😅 How about Spike and the vampire reader really disliking each other until she finds out his human "identity". And they remember they were best friends as kids and wrote poetry together and stuff and they fall back in love? That would be amaaazing😋

Requested by: @therapieliteratur​

Warning: Violence between reader and Spike. Swearing. Tiny blood mention.

A/N: I got carried away and had to split this into parts, hope you don’t mind. This is part one of three 💜

You had lived for over a hundred years. That does things, memory-wise. You were forgetful over little details, especially so of your human past. Faces blurred and voices distorted. Scratched lines of poetry lost to the sands of time. It was so long ago, your memories of that part of you were in black and white.

You were a modern woman now. You weren’t hung up on the social codes of your time. You embraced every new decade. Every style and you got a kick out of learning the slang of the moment. It was cute, you collected these phrases as if they were necklaces. Or buttons. Stamps, even.

There was never much room for amassing material items however. You found yourself moving from one place to another. Often without thought or warning, people after a certain amount of time figured out that you weren’t aging. Or that you had been to the butchers too often. You had spent a lot of time in Europe and there was still thick superstition in many places.

Leaving you being run out of different towns all over the continent. It wasn’t so much pitchforks and the like anymore. You would be hassled on the street. Word of mouth would spread and suddenly the home you had made for yourself would be up in flames again.

You had moved to Sunnydale within the last decade. A new climate, new faces. New humans to try to live alongside. You ate animal blood, you had retained a soul some years back. It had been painful and incredibly hard. You had barely got through it with your mental health intact. The guilt would always be there, but you strived to be and do better.

Which was not something you could say for one vampire you had met since you arrived. Spike. He had more cheekbones than brains and he prided himself on being bad. The opposite of how you lived your un-life.

He lived, now alone, in an underground crypt after Drusilla left him. You had actually been quite fond of Dru in a strange way. You felt a little sorry for her which she screamed at you for feeling as soon as she realised. The stars told her, or something.

Angel, an acquaintance of yours, had explained all about what it had been like with Spike and the rest in the past. He was a piece of work, by all accounts. Angel left to LA and asked you to come, he had become hung up on the Slayer and couldn’t bear to live on the Hellmouth anymore.

You declined, knowing you were meant to stay for now at least. You made a home here. Something permanent for once. It was certainly harder with Angel gone. He understood how you felt about the past, about the guilt. He helped you through it the best he could too.

But you could manage on your own. You had to. You got on well enough with the Slayer anyway. She was sweet and very good at fighting so even if you had a problem you probably wouldn’t air it.

You were sat at drinking in your local demon bar when he walked in. You scowled, burning holes into him as you watched him coming towards you from where you sat on the side of the bar.

You had wanted a break. You had almost been staked. Again. Vampires hated you for protecting the slayer and you were only allowed in here because the bartender found you attractive.

Spike saw you and smirked, ordering his drink and slinking over to you. He did this a lot, he thought you were both playing some game. He hated you as much as he found you attractive. Not that you were entirely aware of this.

“Well, well, look at who’s embracin’ her roots” he gestured around the room.

“Look who’s embracing the stake about to go in his chest” You warned, glancing at him only briefly as you spoke.

“Now, pet. Wouldn’t want to get yourself run out of town again would you? I got friends here y’know… you don’t” He warned, glad of the distinct lack of Angel about the place again, “Only one of us that’s gonna be missed”

“Stop calling me pet” You reminded him as you always had to, “Why don’t you turn around and let me rest in peace” You remarked. His eyes danced at those words, ones he had thought himself before. But he still retaliated in his usual way.

“’Cause, if I remember rightly you were the one making my affairs your business” He pointed at you, still standing over you rather than sitting, “Tellin’ the girlie my little plan”

“It was barely a plan” You spat. He was going to take poor Willow hostage. Again.

“It was a good plan. Smart plan… that you buggered up by running to slutty the vampire slayer”

“Don’t pick on the kid” you snapped, taking a sip of your drink and trying to tune his voice out.

“Oo, someone’s got a crush” He taunted trying to wind you up, “What is it about that bird, got every soul’s knickers in a twist”

“Spike, please. Just for tonight… Fuck off” You muttered, clutching your head. You were starting to get a headache. You missed the look he gave you, the hand that hovered over your shoulder for a fraction of a second before he snatched it away. Why the hell would he do that? He frowned at himself.

“Fine, I will. Gonna get me a pretty woman… none around here though” He said pointedly and you just waved you hand, uncaring, and didn’t look up from your drink. He didn’t like this, so he continued, “Yeah, I’ll shag her… drain her” He shrugged, taking the shot of blood he had ordered as it arrived. He smirked and starting to stalk off. You sighed exaggeratedly.

“Can’t let you do that, Spike” You got up from your bar stool and grabbed his shoulder to pull him back.

“’Let’” He scoffed, shrugging you off.

Spike instantly threw a punch that you caught. You twisted his arm and started to pull him towards the exit. You shot the bartender an apologetic look as you left.

When you got outside you hauled him away from you as he smirked at your face.

“If you wanted to get me all to yourself, love, all you needed to do was-” He started top purr, but became silenced by your fist against his jaw. He scowled, tensing his jaw before he smirked again, “Oh, you like it rough don’t you? Come on then, let’s see who comes out on top”

He beckoned you towards him. You saw him jumping on the spot, warming up as he did. Enjoying himself. It was a dance to him. You his reluctant partner.

But, you ran at him anyway. Like you always did. You fought equally to begin. Until he started to fight dirty. He used every trick in the book and you were starting to slow with the pain. You had a headache already and this was making it worse.

He hit you successively, sharp pains in the jaw that you could barely block as he caught you off guard. You groaned in pain, which made him cocky. He started to restrain you by your wrists, his smile wide and shark-like as you hit the brick wall behind you. Your brain rattling around your skull.

Your skull. You propelled your head towards him, hitting the soft part of his nose with your now vamped forehead. He dropped your wrists to clutch his nose and you took the chance to kick against his torso, hard. He fell back against the hard pavement. You were instantly on him.

You straddled him, pushing him back from trying to get up. You just stared at each other for a moment. In that second, had anyone looked it could have gone either way. You could have lowered yourself to him, caught his lips. Embraced him with a passion that only you (and probably any nesting birds watching from above) would know.

But you didn’t.

You were angry at him. For being who you used to be. For being someone you could understand. For being horrible. You punched him hard on the jaw instead in your frustration.

It distracted him enough for you to grab the stake out of your waistband and dig it into his chest. You gave him a look, one suggesting you were serious.

You thought for a moment, sighing at the way your guilt worked now.

“Go home. Cuddle up to your loneliness” You ordered, removing the stake from his chest as he wiped his bloody nose. Deciding (seeing as he was only in dead company) to lick his own nose-blood from his fingers, “You’re so disgusting” You said hitching your nose up and getting to your feet. It was an act - it didn’t phase you. You had seen worse. But you still despised him for not having the guilt that you had so deeply rooted in your chest.

“Oh, like ‘totally’” He mocked the way you spoke. The way you assimilated. It angered him. Vampires weren’t supposed to be good. Have souls. Weren’t supposed to help slayers.

You walked your separate ways. Two sides of a coin. You could be each other, you had been each other. His ego was bruised and you had to ice your jaw. You cursed and blinded and hated him.

When Spike returned to the crypt, he felt the loneliness much more acutely. He was getting madder and madder. It wasn’t just because he had been beaten by a girl either. He had looked at you in a way he never thought he would. There had been something there tonight, behind the mists of your eyes. Something he recognised.

And he hated you for it. He swore he did. It angered him so much he was shaking.

“Bloody twat, thinkin’ she’s better than everyone just ‘cause she fought for a soul. Any bugger with half a brain and workin’ fists could go through that crap” he shouted, kicking at the gate in his crypt.

When you went home to your sweet little house, you were in the same predicament. You slammed the door closed, leaving the entire house shaking.

He had gotten under your skin. Again. Walking around as if the life you as vampires had now was better than what had been. As if killing and fucking and fighting was all that was required for perfect happiness.

You hated him. His attitude. His guiltlessness. But most of all, you hated that you could see through it. The mask. And you hated that you understood him. Could be him had you not fought for you soul to come back.

Because what had it gained you? Except self-hatred and a talent for identifying different flavours of animal blood by sight alone?

Of course, you wanted to help Buffy. The others. Save the world. But some days you envied him. The way you presumed that he could just stalk through the night and not have deep thoughts about the ending of life or anything else.

You punched the wall. Hard. Screaming in frustration, shivering with the guilt. Quivering with anger. Mixed emotions.

You both were in your own heads, emotions and thoughts flashing violently behind your eyes. Not even slowing when the light came and you had to try to contend with sleep.

That was the night that they started though. The dreams.

[colonel-insomniac]

The miraculous characters have started feeling more human as the show progresses tbh. Like they did since the beginning but now there’s so much more depth to them.

So is the issues with the show abt humanity?? Like marinette was on some dangerous ground since the beginning of season 4 that it doesn’t seem odd that she broke and revealed to alya?? Like to me it’s a logical way of thinking, and she still made sure that she only told one person who proved they could be trusted. But like imagine if she didn’t where she would be now/ what would be happening now??

I wanna make excuses and mention that it’s the progression of her mental health decline through the show that makes people dislike her, but before she got her miraculous it was diff, obvs. Now she holds the ladybug earrings, one of the most powerful jewelry pieces created. She’s 14. She lost the one person who was teaching her and gained the other large responsibility on her shoulders, that being the guardian role.

She’s not going to be ok with that and if you expected her not to fall apart at some point there is something seriously wrong.

For adrien/chat it’s kinda somewhat different bc the show has made it apparent that he’d have mental health issues for a while now. My guys living in an abusive house w a father who barely regards him, is forced to do things he might not want to do, and has also been given such a large role. It’s not gonna be easy for him either. And when y’all say he overreacts or he’s ignoring his feelings for marinette, you have to understand he has never had a friend before this show besides chloe. And since chloe and he have been together for as long as he remembers, ofc he wouldn’t know how to go abt making friends?? Also again w him “overreacting” abt being rejected by lb, he’s again never been in a relationship. And when he feels like he’s being left out or like they’d be better off w/out him as chat, that’s not him being over dramatic. He’s having dark thoughts?? Potentially dangerous ones??? It means mentally he isn’t able to cope w his guilt and being kept in the dark?? His worst fear is literally being caged in and maybe in some way when that happens he feels caged??

Anyways this is still a kids show. Reading into things is alright imo I do it all the time. But I draw a line at literally finding nothing good abt a show bc why are you watching??

Like for ex I love spongebob. I hate, absolutely despise a lot of the new episodes (old eps all the way). So what do I do? I just choose to avoid watching the new episodes.

[embermc]

Ponk and Quackity?

Hi Match! :D

1. (Ponk) Which part of the SMP made you feel happiest?

I genuinely doubt anything yet has topped the absolute catharsis and joy that was the Disc Finale. I remember being in absolute dread going into that stream, like I was convinced that it was gonna end so badly, what with all of the foreshadowing. And I was so close to just bursting into tears during Tubbo's goodbye speech. AND THEN c!Punz just comes in with the clutch?!? Followed by half of the server, all gathered and united to stop c!Dream and save these two kids?!?! I audibly cheered. And then watching c!Tommy tell c!Dream to put his items in a hole, take two of Dream's lives, and recite the "Suck it green boi!" line after telling Tubbo that they should "make Wilbur proud." All of that was just,,, pure joy on my end. AND THEN THE VERY END, WHERE WE GOT TO HEAR c!WILBUR for the first time in MONTHS?? And his revival got hinted?? I was so freaking happy. That stream was incredible. I also remember being very happy around the time of c!Wilbur's revival, pretty much because he's one of my favorites and I missed him lol.

2. (Quackity) Which arc was your favorite?

This is a hard one, but I gotta say c!Wilbur's spiral arc in Pogtopia. It just has so many layers. Like, to the point where people can still analyze it today, 8 months later, and have new takes and draw new conclusions! The fact that his seeds of paranoia, of self-doubt, of forcing himself into roles to preserve his fragile sense of self-worth were planted very early, all the way back in Early L'manberg, how we slowly watched him change as a person, change his morals and beliefs through hardship and trauma, how we watched his mental state decline. And again, there were SO many aspects to this arc. There was Wilbur's tendency to intrinsically link L'manberg with himself, there was his tendency to see his world as a story and to force himself into roles, there was his desire to do what he thought would save others through his own destruction, there was his paranoia and self-loathing, it was so detailed. I also love how gradual it was, especially with delicate aspects of his character like his mental health. There wasn't one defining moment where he was totally fine before, and was suddenly mentally ill the next. It started with his fragile emotional state, and as the streams continued, we saw him starting to not eat, starting to take less regard for his own safety, and so on. And it was such a sad arc too, it was a beautifully written tragedy. I'd say c!Tommy's exile arc also comes very close, as that still, to this day, can make me extremely uncomfortable to watch with how well they built up such a horrifying, accurate and eerie atmosphere and depiction of an abusive situation in exile.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

TWDG: The Final Season | Character Discussion | 2/2

Part 1 | Part 2

[Brody and the basement scene]

“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're gonna be okay, I promise. Goddamn it, help! Why did you say that, Brody? I...I told you not to say it. Please be okay...”

Okay... here’s where the glass shatters, Marlon becomes the episode’s antagonist, and I wish there was an option to just stay in bed.

Up to this point, Marlon’s been sincerely kind, stubborn, sometimes a little agitated, but overall? A decent guy. There are flaws with his leadership and not everyone likes him, but that comes with the territory, yeah? 

He wants to keep Ericson safe, he saved Clementine and AJ’s lives, he loves Rosie, he’s Louis’ best friend- what reason do I have not to trust him?

I was rooting for you, Marlon. The first time I played, I was team Marlon.... until we got back to the school after the incident with Abel at the train station. 

Brody’s freaking out, and Marlon comes over... and the unsettling feelings starting creeping up when he grabs Brody’s arm and she shoves him down. 

The first time I played, I had the gut feeling that she wasn’t overreacting like Marlon claimed she was and this is when I started to actually doubt him. I was still rooting for him, like maybe it’s just a misunderstanding and the game wants me to question Marlon, but he’s not the real issue. Y’know... a fake out.

Then I heard his voice in the pipes and... oh boy. 

Marlon, my guy, you hurt me. 

But not as bad as you hurt Brody.

Okay, let’s do this- Marlon and Brody. Start from the beginning with their relationship and how we got to the basement scene. 

One thing you’ll notice back when I was talking about Aasim is how quick Brody is to snap “Be nice, Aasim” after he gets agitated with Marlon. Then, we see the two of them sitting together on the steps during the “HELP AJ MAKE FRIENDS” segment. There’s no conversation you can overhear or anything, but you get the impression that Brody is supportive of Marlon. 

I mean... why else would she be so quick to tell Aasim to be nice... right?

Except no, we already know that these two are so close because of what happened with the twins. But if you don’t know that, then obviously this seems like nothing. 

Though interesting to point out that people assumed Marlon and Brody were a thing based on this little tidbit, an idea that a lot of people theorize about. Hell, I believe even Kent said they might’ve had something going, albeit something unhealthy. There isn’t any evidence of a previous romantic relationship in the game, just a speculation amongst players that can add some even darker tones to their problematic relationship.

So, Brody and Marlon chat before dinner, AJ comes over and apologizes, Marlon is once again super chill and sweet to AJ and it’s great. I love the way he handles AJ.

Marlon and Brody even have a little moment where they look at each other, silent conversation and all, before he accepts the apology. Hmm. 

We don’t get to chat with Brody again until after the office scene if you choose to go fishing, and here’s where I start theorizing about Brody’s true reasons for wanting to go on a road trip.

Obviously, the whole Brody and Violet thing is what’s at focus for this scene- do you help Violet forgive Brody or not, but the whole time outside of that, Brody is very focused on another idea- taking a road trip. 

“I've lived here my entire life. Heck, I'd say I know every inch of these woods. I'd kind of like to un-know it. “

And while you can easily look at this as “Oh, Brody’s just a dreamer, she wants to go on a road trip with all her friends and explore somewhere new. So what?” allow me to put on my tinfoil hat and look too much into it. 

Brody wants to escape Marlon, the situation they got themselves into, and leave the guilt behind. Hop in a truck, leave Ericson and the place she and Marlon traded away their friends at, leave Marlon behind, and start somewhere new where she can pretend everything’s okay. Escape the anxiety and trauma.  

Just to clarify, I don’t think Brody would just up and abandon everyone to go on a road trip or anything, this is just something she fantasized and talks about wistfully. Which is fair- if it’s the apocalypse, I’m going to have fantasies like that to escape and help maintain my sanity, too. It’s a way of coping. 

The reason I say she wants to get away from Marlon is that he appears to be the driving force behind her being quiet. Though I do think we tend to gloss over the fact that Brody was indeed there and she could’ve come clean about the twins prior to Clementine and AJ’s arrival due to her murder. 

Sure, I don’t doubt Marlon told her to be quiet, that he’d figure something out... but when his decision was to keep it a secret and move on with their lives, Brody agreed. We don’t know what it took for her to agree, though. That’s the thing.

Maybe Marlon convinced her, maybe he threatened her, and maybe she agreed all by herself. 

We don’t know. She never got to tell us. 

But going off of what I’ve seen of Brody and her behavior towards Marlon in Done Running, I’m more inclined to believe that she was willing to agree because, just like Marlon, she had that guilt weighing on her shoulders. She couldn’t stop what happened, and she had no choice but to go along with it. 

She was there with Marlon when the twins were taken away. She was the one who broke the news to Violet and that had to be so damn hard all by itself, y’know... having to lie to her face about it. She helped Tenn, the twins’ little brother, take down Sophie’s paintings and clean out their dorm. 

She and Marlon stood side by side, kept quiet and watched everyone mourn the deaths of Sophie and Minerva, all while knowing what really happened. Neither of them came clean for their own reasons. 

That kind of shit will destroy your insides and drive you mad, which is what we see down in the basement. These are two broken partners in crime who are seconds away from snapping. They’re stuck, they’re overwhelmed, they can’t agree on anything, they’re arguing and getting physically upset with one another. They’ve turned into worse versions of themselves because of this. 

Marlon is no longer the chill, kind, genuine guy I praised in the beginning of this, and Brody isn’t the sweet, friendly dreamer who wanted to take a road trip with her friends. 

Marlon is angry, scared, and lashing out. Brody is an anxious mess.

And they kind of hate each other.

It’s horrible. It breaks my heart. 

And thinking about what happened the day they got themselves into this disaster... maybe Brody did protest in the beginning before Marlon convinced her that the best thing to do was be quiet and move on, that maybe they’ll never come back and this was the only thing they could do for the best interest of the group, and she agreed. 

Maybe she went into a full blown panic attack that Marlon helped her work through all while dealing with his own emotions and that, in a twisted way, brought them closer. 

We don’t know. 

But you’d think that if she so easily spilled everything to Clementine, that she would’ve eventually broke down and told everyone else, too... yeah? That Marlon would’ve pushed her far enough that she slipped. 

To that you can argue that it was the fact that Abel and his people were back that set her off, seeing that it was happening all over again and she refused to go through that. Then, when Marlon says he has a plan, that they’ll use Clementine and AJ, that was the final nail in the coffin that sets her mind to confessing. Clementine just happened to come down and Brody took the opportunity. 

The thing is... Brody had to be feeling to same way Marlon was- ashamed, guilty, heartbroken, traumatized, terrified, and so many overwhelming emotions. I think she knew what would happen if they came clean and that scared her.

She wanted to be friends with Violet again, the way they used to be- “We all used to be friends. Guess I just kinda miss that.“ and if Violet’s distanced not knowing the truth now? Imagine what she would’ve been like if Brody came clean. 

Same goes for the rest of the crew. 

Marlon gets a lot of the blame for what happened, which is totally fair and justified, but like I said, we gloss over that Brody was there as well. I just wish we had more context as to how they handled it at the beginning as that would give such a great insight to Marlon and his growth [or decline] over the year prior to TFS. 

And y’know... I think it was a blessing and a curse to have someone in on the secret. He has someone to talk about it to so he doesn’t feel as alone... but that comes with the constant worry of “what is she confesses?” and that’s where I think Marlon turned to intimidation out of his own fears and insecurities, which put a huge strain on his and Brody’s relationship, as well as their mental health.

It doesn’t help that it seems Brody has issues with anxiety and panic attacks going off what we saw in Done Running. 

Moving on to the beginning of the red flags with Marlon... let’s look at their conversations after Clementine and crew get back after the deal with the train station. 

Right as we enter, we hear them in the middle of this-

Brody: “You are not listening to me. Marlon, listen to me- I'm telling you, the place was ransacked!”

Marlon: “It's fine. We'll deal with it.”

Who knows how long this conversation has gone on... and once again, Marlon isn’t listening. Hell, Brody is flat out saying he’s not listening. If this wasn’t alarming enough, Brody goes off on Clementine upon learning Abel’s fate and Marlon rushes in... probably to make sure she doesn’t say anything he doesn’t want her to. 

Brody: “I just can't... I won't... just not again... fuck!”

Marlon: “What the hell's going on here?”

Brody: “She took them outside the safe zone... They saw someone! You know what that means-!”

Marlon: “Enough! It just means there's a hungry guy out there looking for food. It's happened before. You are overreacting.”

Brody: “You can't be serious!”

[Marlon grabs her arm]

Marlon: “Come on, let's go somewhere and talk about this.”

So... yikes. 

It’s that arm grab, man. That set off some alarm bells. It happens super quick before it cuts back and Brody shoves him so hard, he falls to the ground. Which takes a lot of force. Then Brody turns the blame on Clementine, which is interesting. 

None of that is great. But Marlon gets up and you can feel how exasperated and stressed he is that Brody made that scene and that Clementine took Louis and Violet outside the safe zone. He’s just learned that Abel is back, Brody is cracking, and it’s the calm before the storm.

It’s worth noting that even though he’s clearly upset, he’s still holding onto to this “I’m the leader, I know I asked you for help and you did, it’s fine, we’ll be eating for a while. It’s fine. I’ll go talk to Brody, go eat. Everything is fine.” 

Giving off the appearance that everything’s okay. Nothing wrong, Brody’s just paranoid. It’s fine. 

And if you’re like me, you said, “Hmmmmm... I have bad feelings.”

Though, I’d like to add that I also like that he admits that he always worries if Clementine tells him he doesn’t have to. A bit of vulnerability slipping through. So that’s it, right? He’s just worried. 

Well... that’s not wrong, but... 

Also, Marlon tells Brody she’s overreacting quite a bit and I bet that’s something he’s said to her plenty in the past. It’s just.. ugh. 

Okay, time for the fun part. 

As we all know, Clementine and AJ are woken up by voices in the pipes. They belong to Marlon and Brody as they’re having an argument down in the basement. 

What’s really sad is that they’re the only ones who seemingly notice. Clementine’s the only one who bothered to get out of bed and see what the hell was going on. Which makes me think that this isn’t the first time they’ve fought like this, so the rest of the Ericson crew just ignore it.

Which is pretty fucked up. You’d think that someone would hear it and go down there to at least tell them to knock it off. 

You could argue that maybe only Clementine and AJ could hear it because they’re closer to the basement door, which is fair. But there are other rooms in that hallway that are close enough, so unless those rooms are all empty... someone else had to of heard something. 

Hell, they all hear Marlon and AJ yelling at each other in a thunderstorm outside... why not hear this? 

In order for me to go over the entire basement conversation, we all gotta be up to speed. The conversation is below but if you want to hear the voice acting, you can watch this video here.

Marlon: “Why can't you just do what I ask you to do?”

Brody: “Because we caused all this, and now we have to deal with it!”

Marlon: “I am dealing with it!”

Brody: “By tradin' more of us away? That's not fixin' the problem, that's runnin' away from it! ...Let me go!”

Marlon: “Hey, calm down.”

Brody: “Don't tell me to calm down! You can't do this! You can't just-ahh!... Please...please! If we just tell everyone what's goin' on, maybe we can-”

Marlon: “I said shut up!”

[it’s implied Marlon does something here... grabs her, pushes her, hits her... there are no other sounds in the video but it’s not good. You can hear it in both their voices and “I said shut up!” is exactly what he says before he hits her with the flashlight later soo...]

Marlon: “Shit, shit. Brody, are you okay?”

Brody: “Fuck you. ...There's got to be some other way.”

Marlon: “There is no other way. Goddamn it, so few of us left... What else would you have me do?”

Brody: “Something! There's got to be something.”

Marlon: “No, no, no, there's nothing. Nothing, Brody!”

Brody: “That can't be true!”

Marlon: “You know, maybe...maybe it doesn't matter. It probably doesn't matter at all. It's just a couple of cigarettes. I mean... Just one fucking guy! This is an insurance policy.”

[insurance policy = Clementine and AJ. Nice, Marlon. Also his denial and inability to listen is super prominent here.]

Brody: “An insurance policy? These are fucking people, Marlon!”

Marlon: “I know that! Fuck, I know that. ...You are overreacting. I'm telling you!”

Brody: “What if I'm not?”

Marlon: “No, you are. So knock it the fuck off, Brody.”

Brody: “You knock it the fuck off! You are unbelievable! You fucking coward!”

Marlon: “Hey, HEY! We are in this together. You will not put this all on me! ...Damn it, Brody! We don't even know for sure it was them!”

Brody: “You know he's not alone. Those bastards are back and it's only a matter of time before they find us. You know that!”

Marlon: “I don't know shit, and neither do you! Goddamn it, Brody, keep it together!”

Brody: ‘There you go again, getting so mad.”.

Marlon: “Well, what do you want me to do? You're making me mad!”

Brody: “Oh, we have to tell the others! About what you did!”

It’s not a fun conversation. At all. I hate it, even if the voice acting is terrific.

So here’s the thing about this conversation... Marlon is stuck. He’s refusing to see any other way of handling the raiders return because what else is there to do? Fight them off? We know that’s something Marlon doesn’t want to do for a number of reasons- he’d have to come clean, he’d have to develop a plan of attack, he’d risk everyone at the school- so in his mind, being quiet and keeping Clementine and AJ as “insurance” is the best course of action to keep the others safe. 

But then there’s Brody. She’s had enough and you can tell that it’s all become too much for her. She just wants to come clean and face the consequences, she wants Marlon to own up to what happened, and she’s willing to face his anger and call him out on it. It gets to the point where she starts to plead that they have to tell the others. 

The more and more she goes on, the angrier Marlon gets. All his shame, grief, stress, and anger have became a dangerous cocktail that causes him to lash out. 

And he fucking does. That part where he tells her to shut up then there’s this dead pause? Then his voice breaks as he apologizes and asks if she’s okay? Followed by Brody’s “fuck you.”? 

Their fight has become physical now. It’s not just them yelling at each other, and while I want to give Marlon the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he grabbed her like he did before which isn’t great either but fucking hell, that’s not what it sounds like. He hit or pushed her or something and... God damn it, Marlon. That’s inexcusable and it makes me question if he’s ever gotten physical with her before. Especially since Brody continues the conversation like it’s happened before....

God, I miss when Marlon was chill and sweet. Remember when he helped Clementine with Rosie? I do... Can we go back to that?

...Anyway, this whole conversation sucks and it gets worse. Marlon is a hair away from melt down and Brody is becoming desperate for him to listen to her. 

So when Clementine comes down, everything comes to a head.

And at first, you think think that maybe Clementine can calm the situation, defuse it. But then Marlon goes into defensive “everything’s fine” mode, telling Clementine there’s nothing to worry about and to go back to bed. 

Take note of his hard tone here, too. He’s doing that dominating tone, but elevated from when he used it before. He shines the light in Clementine’s face and says, “Brody and I were just talkin', go get some sleep. You deserve some shut-eye. You had a busy day.” In hopes that she’ll be intimidated and cooperate but... well, Clementine isn’t and doesn’t.

And Brody seizes the opportunity. 

Brody: “The man you met at the station. We got history.”

Marlon: “Brody... Don't listen to her, Clem, she's acting crazy. She gets this way sometimes, you just gotta tune it out.”

The desperation in Marlon’s voice here is just... ugh. Trying so hard to discredit Brody and take control back of the situation. 

That’s what it all comes back to, isn’t it? Marlon’s control. He knows Brody’s slipping and no matter what he does or says, he can’t regain his control over her and the situation. Clementine is threatening that and it’s spiking his anger. 

We all know what happens next. 

Brody: “Marlon let him take the twins. Him and his people.”

Marlon: “Damn it, Brody!”

Clementine: “Tenn's sisters? I thought they were killed by walkers.”

Brody: “That's the story we told everyone.’

Marlon: “Shut up.”

Brody: “'Cause Marlon was so ashamed of what-”

Marlon: “I said SHUT UP!”

Marlon loses control, hits Brody with his flashlight so hard that it kills her, and realization of how badly fucked up he’s become dawns on him.

Yeah, Marlon... Brody’s bleeding out on the floor because of you, because you were so desperate to keep control and hide your shame from everyone, and this is what it manifested into. 

Yet, he tries to rationalize it like it’s not his fault. He’s in denial. He told her not to say it, and she did. But it’s okay, she’s going to be okay.

Which is fucked, but at this point, Marlon’s in a full blown panic - “Oh, shit, Brody. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're gonna be okay, I promise. Goddamn it, help! Why did you say that, Brody? I...I told you not to say it. Please be okay.” He’s all over the place and doesn’t know what to do. 

And it gets worse. 

Because Marlon’s in such a panic, brain scattered with a shit ton of horrifying thoughts- “What do I tell everyone? Brody’s dead and I killed her. How will everyone look at me? I betrayed them. I betrayed all of them. The raiders are coming back. Clementine knows the truth. What do I do? I can’t let them know. I can’t tell the truth because they will see me for what I really am.”  -when he hears Brody tell Clementine everything, he once again does something shitty to save himself. He runs and locks Clementine in the basement, knowing that Brody’s going to turn. 

Clementine: “Marlon, you son of a bitch, don't do this!”

Marlon: “I'm sorry... I can't...I can't let you talk to the others.”

So... what does this entire scene tell us about Marlon?

Well, first off, I shouldn’t trust someone just because they love dogs. That’s on me. 

This is where Marlon goes from friend to foe and it’s a lot to take in. This scene is the reason people question Marlon’s real motivations, question whether or not he was ever good if he had it in him to murder Brody in order to keep her quiet.

But that’s the thing, when you watch this scene, you can tell that Marlon didn’t mean to kill her. In a fit of anger, he didn’t know his own strength and lashed out and she died because of it. He should still be held accountable for it, even if it was an accident. But because he’s holding on to whatever he can, he refuses to take accountability, choosing to then leave Clementine for death and pin everything on her. 

He has no plan after that, he just knows that he has to regain control over everything or else he’s done. He doesn’t have time to mourn Brody or come to terms with what he had done because he’s moving so fast to “fix” everything, y’know? 

What Marlon did down here was inexcusable. I can do my best to explain what lead Marlon to this point and why he did what he did, but that doesn’t justify anything. 

Now... before I move on to talk about the confrontation scene, there is one more important character in Marlon’s life to cover.

[Louis and a broken friendship]

“I hope you know Louis didn't mean any harm there. He's just the world's biggest dumbass. He's my best friend, so I can legally call him that.”

Where to even begin? 

From the beginning, I guess. 

Louis and Marlon have known each other for years, back before the walkers came and the world ended. We know this because of the photo in Marlon’s office and how everyone tells us that they’re best friends. 

And it’s funny that they’re such best friends but the game doesn’t care much to show us that, or even go into details about their relationship. Which, in my opinion, was a bit of a failure on the writers part. I know you probably didn’t have time and all the usual reasons, but you’d think that this relationship would be important enough to cover just a tad bit more considering that Louis is a potential love interest and Marlon’s the antagonist. 

Y’know?

The only times Marlon and Louis actually interact with one another for more than two seconds is during the card game and during the confrontation, and even that is slim if you choose to appeal to Violet. 

But like, no guys, they’re super best friends. Trust us, we told you, like, twice. 

I hate to get into the Louis vs Violet thing since this is about Marlon, but let me explain why this bothers me. 

They didn’t have any issues letting Violet spill her guts about her past with the twins, specifically Minerva. Now, the twins are considered dead at this point, so it’s not like they could show them interacting, so they get a pass for the show rather than telling. Except they do show that Violet and Minerva were girlfriends when you go fishing and look at the initials on the wall. 

I’m not saying that this isn’t important. It is. I explained why it’s important to Marlon’s character previously, too. 

But this is when we run into a problem with what they decided to do with Louis- Louis doesn’t tell us jack shit about his relationship with Marlon in Done Running prior to appealing to him during the confrontation. All I ask is why not? 

Look, to be frank, the picture is nice and all, but it’s not enough. Marlon saying “Oh yeah, muh best friend,” once isn’t enough. You barely scraped by with what you gave us. 

Louis doesn’t tell us anything about his past, at least nothing important to the plot. When Aasim makes a comment about him being Marlon’s lap dog, Louis brushes it off with a joke, and never mentions Marlon again. The only time Louis actually lets us in is if you take care of the walker with him and he explains his way of thinking before realizing he let his guard down and puts the mask back on. 

Louis isn’t willing to share anything about his friendship with Marlon but Violet’s over here super willing to open up about the twins and Brody? That’s hilarious because you’d think it’d be the other way around. 

You’d think that they’d have Louis saying something about Marlon to show us that he has a blind faith in Marlon or trusts him to a fault. He can see that Aasim doesn’t get along with Marlon and questions his leadership, so why not have him say something in defense of Marlon? 

And perhaps it’s on purpose. Maybe Louis’ trust in Marlon is so great that he doesn’t feel the need to defend him because he knows how Aasim gets. They have plenty of other stuff to argue about, why add another thing? Fine, that makes sense... but why not have him say something to Clementine? Hell, have Clementine ask him about Marlon and the safe zone and what he thinks about it?

Like when Clementine’s all “Hey, let’s go to the train station.”

Louis just stands there like “’kay,” without any indication of “Yeah Marlon wouldn’t like that.”

...Maybe he doesn’t care? Who knows. 

I’m just saying, they would’ve benefited from adding a conversation with Louis about Marlon so that we could get his perspective of their relationship BEFORE the confrontation rather than waiting until ep2 for him to give us some details. 

But, like, it’s fine... I’ll just work with what I got. 

There isn’t too much to say about them during the card game. They’re chill, they’re buddies. Louis does this cute whistle that Marlon bobs his head to and that’s pretty neat. 

After Louis asks Clementine if she ever had to kill someone she loved and the game ends, Marlon goes to make sure Clementine’s okay and let her know that Louis didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, he’s just a dumbass.

But it’s fine, they’re best friends so he can legally call him that. This is the first time we see Marlon say something like that about Louis, the second time being in the office. He’ll admit that he hopes Louis will actually show up to go hunting, which says a lot about the amount of faith he puts into Louis. 

Which is interesting to think about how one-sided their friendship can seem when you start putting pieces together. Louis has complete faith in Marlon but Marlon doesn’t return that faith due to the fact that he knows Louis runs on his own time, y’know? Louis appears to be honest while Marlon is dishonest.

Knowing how Marlon is and his need for control, you’d think that he’d be more stern with Louis. He’s like that with everyone else... until you remember that Marlon has a soft spot for Louis. One that allows him to take control in a different way. 

I can’t help but feel Marlon had this sense of entitlement to Louis as his best friend. Marlon’s been Louis’ friend the longest, Marlon is the only one who can call Louis an idiot, Marlon gives Louis special treatment in many ways that others notice, Marlon knows Louis better than anyone else does. Marlon loves Louis like he’s his own blood. 

And if you know anything about Louis and his character, you know a big part of his arc is confidence and self-esteem. I mean, real self-esteem, not the persona he puts on. Looking back at everything we’ve covered, it’s not out of the question to think that Marlon could’ve used that part of Louis to his advantage. He’s Louis’ best friend, Louis can trust him because Marlon’s always had his back, always appeared to see beyond the jokes and piano because they’ve know each other longest. They’re practically brothers. 

Having that control over Louis is important to Marlon, and while that seems like a slimy way to put it, it’s true. I don’t think Marlon ever saw Louis as a pawn or anything- I believe Marlon genuinely cared about and loved Louis- but when it came to the twins, he didn’t confide him. Marlon didn’t want to lose the closest connection he had, the one person who couldn’t see him for who he turned into, and he didn’t want Louis to tell everyone else. 

There ya go- yet another layer of guilt and shame for Marlon. 

Not only that, but Marlon didn’t have much confidence in him, found him irresponsible. He had to deal with the fact that he still loved Louis while acknowledging that he’s not reliable. 

That brings us to when Clementine appeals to Louis. 

Here’s where Marlon becomes a cocky bastard. 

Clementine: “Louis, don't let him do this!”

Louis: “Oh, no. I am not involved.”

Clementine: “What?”

Louis: “I like you, Clem, but I...”

[Louis looks to Marlon, who gives him an intimidating look back that shuts Louis down. There’s the control.]

Louis: “Not me. I'm sorry. You're, uh, on your own. Sorry.”

And Marlon’s face...? He’s so smug I could slap him. He looks at Clementine like “Oh, you thought Louis was gonna help you, huh? HA! My best friend, dingus.”

What’s funny is that in all my searching through reddit and youtube and what have you, a lot of people complain that Louis is “harder” to get to side with you. Which, technically, no he’s not. Both he and Violet require you to pick two dialogue choices before they help. Louis only appears harder because Marlon intimidates him into being quiet and that makes it seem like he won’t help you. 

Though, to be fair, he does attempt to step in after Clementine pleads with him the first time.

“Shit. Marlon, come on, man. Drop the gun.”

And Marlon really doesn’t like that. 

He snaps out Louis’ name and you see Louis visibly flinch at this. Either this is the first time Marlon’s risen his voice at him like this or it’s not, it’s hard to tell. 

“She. Killed. Brody! We can't let her walk away.” 

Funny how he says we there...

You can feel how conflicted Louis is here, just like how you can feel Marlon’s control and manipulation at play. Louis wants to believe Marlon, but he’s out here with blood all over his face and waving a gun around. He’s about to shoot Clementine, and that will make him a murderer no matter how you look at it and Louis knows this. 

He’s looking at a version of his best friend that he doesn’t recognize, but because he’s scared, it makes Louis backtrack and curl into himself. 

“Clem, I... I... I gotta trust Marlon. I just... I gotta. I always have.”

Here, you have two choices:

“He didn't trust you with the truth! He lied to you about the twins. He doesn't deserve your trust.”

Or

“Brody trusted him. And now she's dead. And he killed her!”

Personally, I prefer the first one, but both of these strike a nerve within Louis. He knows she’s right. 

Marlon yells at Clementine and gets ready to shoot her, which she accepts by the way she steps back and closes her eyes. 

Louis, with both hands up, slowly steps between them, free of Marlon’s control and trying to save both him and Clementine. 

Marlon, baffled that he’d ever do this, even moves the gun away as he stares at Louis in disbelief. 

Marlon: “You don't know what you're doing, man!”

Louis: “C'mon, dude, just drop the gun. This is how adults do things. Not us.”

Can I just say that Marlon must feel so fucking powerless seeing Louis step up to him like this? Like, with Violet he’s not surprised and not even remotely intimidated by her little meat cleaver, but with Louis? He is not okay. 

The others step forward and Marlon knows that he’s lost. Pointing a gun at his best friend? Knowing that if he so much as accidentally squeezed the trigger, Louis would be dead? Everyone has turned against him. 

Not great. 

You guys know me, you know that I much prefer appealing to Louis over Violet because of the power behind this and how much of an effect it has on Marlon. It’s perfectly executed. 

A couple more things to talk about regarding this scene. If you call Marlon pathetic, he says something interesting to Louis. 

Clementine: “You're pathetic.”

[Marlon drops his gun]

Marlon: “I know. Always was.”

Louis: “That isn't true.”

Marlon: “No, Louis, it is. You were just the only one who couldn't see it.”

When I say my heart hurts... muh heart hurts. Because this is what their friendship became, they both realize it, and Louis is devastated. 

On the flip side, if you say- 

Clementine: “We can still fix this, Marlon. It's going to be okay. We can make this right.”

Louis: “We'll help you. We're all family here. The only one any of us has left.”

Which shows that despite everything, Louis does have a little bit of faith left in Marlon and wants to help him, which Marlon feels he doesn’t deserve.

Then AJ shoots Marlon in the head.

And I really, really wish there was an option to just stay in bed to avoid all of this.

Okay.

Louis is a fucking mess after this. 

The writers finally said, “Hey, remember when Luke had absolutely no reaction to his best friend’s death in s2? What if we don’t do that this time?”

I don’t want to get too into this because this isn’t a Louis analysis, but let me quickly summarize the affect Marlon’s death had on Louis.

Anyone who was around when Suffer the Children came out remembers all the discourse about Louis. Lot of people pissed at him for being upset. Which fine, you’re allowed to be upset with him because he’s mad at Clementine and AJ, but let me remind you that he just witnessed his best friend of 8+ years being  murdered right before his eyes after no longer being a threat and he was powerless to do anything about it.

Marlon’s death hurt and traumatized Louis in so many ways and that’s something we see throughout the episode. Even though Marlon is dead, he continues to have an effect on Louis and everyone at Ericson because of what he did and how he died. 

And to clarify, Louis never hated Clementine and AJ for what happened. He just didn’t know what to do. He was overwhelmed, hurt, pissed, and never had time to mourn before raiders came knocking on their doors. He dealt with the fact that his best friend wasn’t who he thought he was and how Marlon hurt everyone at this school, that Marlon was a murderer. 

That’s a fucking lot. 

And it continues to hurt him through the rest of the season. 

Honestly, Louis says everything best:

“You sound like Marlon. I mean, not about fighting, but when he was trying to cheer us all up. For years, I sat around making stupid jokes, playing stupid games, while my best friend was left with all the responsibility. All the tough calls. All the sleepless nights. And eventually, a bullet in the head. And I didn't do a damn thing about it. And then, when you tried to tell us what he was really like, and AJ shot him, I blamed you. Both of you. If I could take it back, I would. I knew that the day you got back. I still do. ...He was my best friend. Almost like my brother, but the things he did? They were fucked up. I'll never be glad he died. But I understand why AJ thought it was the right thing to do.” 

[The final confrontation and Marlon’s murder]

“I know I betrayed you... all of you. Just let me leave. You'll never have to see me again. Just let me become...a bad memory. Just give me that. Please.”

The final confrontation is my favorite Marlon moment from a storytelling standpoint.

Just... everything about it. The thunderstorm, the voice acting, Marlon’s complete turn to antagonist and break down, Clementine appealing to Louis/Violet, Rosie barking in the background... it’s just great. It hurts but I love it. 

This is where we see Marlon’s manipulation at it’s peak. He knows he’s fucked, but is still so desperate to cling on that he throws everything he can at Clementine. He accuses her of murdering Brody, working with the raiders, takes low blows against everyone, especially Louis and Violet, and goes as far as to point a gun at Clementine with the intention of shooting her. 

Because that’ll fix everything... I guess? 

Marlon didn’t think this through. 

Anyway...

“We saved their lives when anyone else would've kept walking! We fed them, we kept them warm! And this is how they thank us?! Guns being pulled and murder! Well, FUCK! THEM!”

Marlon is broken, his last resort it to try and salvage himself, to win the group’s favor.

“Aw, come the fuck on! They only met up with these ‘raiders’ because Clem insisted they go out there. Quite the coincidence, isn't it? Shame I don't believe in those. Think about how scared we all were when the adults left. I pulled us out of that fear. I gave us all courage again. Who are y'all gonna believe, huh? Johnny-come-lately and her little fucking lunatic? Or me? Your friend?”

He’s pulling out the big guns, reminding everyone that he was the one who pulled them out of their fear and gave them courage, that he’s their friend who they’ve known and trusted for 8+ years while they just met Clementine two days ago.

Who are you going to believe?

As well all know, Clementine takes a risk and appeals to Louis or Violet. I already covered them so we’ll skip ahead to everyone turning on him. 

This is when Marlon realizes he’s losing and that anger bubbles up. 

“You don't get it. You- you don't understand at all, do you? I'm trying to protect you! All of you! Every fucking one of you!”

And he lashes out, pointing the gun at everyone now, and finally... the truth comes out. 

“...I made the right call. I saved the lives of everyone in this fucking school! If they came back... I'd do it again!”

...Yikes. 

Now, I’ve talked about this scene in previous parts, said most of what I wanted to say, but there is one thing I haven’t covered, and that’s Tenn. 

Tenn: “You told me they died!”

Marlon: “I had to save the rest of you, okay?”

Tenn: “You gave my sisters away. Why would you do something like that? I trusted you, Marlon! THEY trusted you! ....We all trusted you...”

Marlon: “I know... I know..”

Tenn was first introduced along side Marlon and you can tell that he cares about him and is protective. Not only that, but Tenn is comfortable enough to play in Marlon’s office, which is something I assume he does regularly. 

It makes me think that Marlon took Tenn under his wing, if you will, after the twins died. Perhaps as some way to try and make himself better, maybe to try and make it up to the twins by swearing to protect him. 

Tenn is what gets Marlon to take it down a bit, to explain that he didn’t want to hurt the twins, he just didn’t have any choice. He even admits to Tenn that he was too scared to develop a rescue plan. 

You can hear it in his voice when he looks to Tenn and speaks, and Tenn is the one who gets him to confess that he was the one who killed Brody, not Clementine. 

Marlon: “I wanted to get them. Stage some kind of rescue. Honest, Tenn. I just couldn't. I was...I was too afraid.”

Tenn: “You killed Brody because she knew?”

Marlon: “Mm-hmm... I didn't mean to. I didn't want this. I wanted to save all of you. Sophie, Minerva. I didn't want to hurt them.”

Which is huge. It wasn’t Clementine, it wasn’t Louis or Violet who got him to confess, it was Tenn. Hearing this boy on the verge of tears tell Marlon that they all trusted him, how could he do this to them... that got through to him. 

And I believe Tenn is the one who solidified that Marlon wanted to leave. He didn’t want to stay and see everyone look and treat him differently, see everyone hate him- He couldn’t face Louis, his best friend. He couldn’t face Violet, the girl he betrayed. He couldn’t face Clementine and AJ, couldn’t face everyone he tried to protect. 

And he couldn’t face Tenn. 

But you know what says a lot about Tenn? If you choose to remain silent after Marlon says he didn’t want to hurt them, he says:

“I forgive you.”

[?] Marlon won’t forget that. 

But even with that forgiveness? I don’t Marlon believes he deserves that, especially from Tenn. He grateful Tenn forgave him, but he still feels it’s best that he leaves.

“I know I betrayed you. All of you. Just let me leave. You'll never have to see me again. Just let me become...a bad memory. Just give me that. Please.” 

And we all know what happens next. 

So... this begs the question... after everything that Marlon did and didn’t do...

Did Marlon deserve his fate?

No.

Marlon didn’t deserve this. That’s the short answer. 

In my opinion, AJ was far from justified in what he did. 

This is a good time to compare Marlon and Lilly, since that comes up quite a bit. When Lilly surrenders at the end of Broken Toys, she does it to manipulate the situation in her favor and get the upper hand again. 

The second you show any sort of kindness towards Lilly, she takes advantage of you because she never saw the error in her ways. She believed every cruel thing she ever did was for a good cause and only ever feels remorse when she loses everyone. 

Marlon, on the other hand, genuinely surrendered. This was the first time he gave up his control and accepted what he had done, ready to face the consequences and be outcast from Ericson for his crimes. He dropped his weapon, he was no longer a threat. Marlon no longer had any malicious intent once everyone turned against him. 

And the biggest difference between Marlon and Lilly is that Marlon felt that shame since the beginning. He did bad things for the sake of Ericson, but not once did he take pride in what he did to the twins or Brody. He felt nothing but remorse.

Brody’s dead, Sophie and Minerva are gone, and he realizes what he’s become.

The tragedy of Marlon is that his fate was decided by a child who was unable to read the situation for what it was, who took it upon themselves to take Marlon’s life despite the fact that everything was over. Marlon never gets a redemption arc, and maybe he didn’t deserve one. It depends on how you feel.

But for me, he definitely didn’t deserve to be shot in the back of the head like that.  

[Final thoughts]

“...It's hard to survive too long these days without being a bit... ‘troubled.’”

Marlon is... complicated. 

That’s a good word. 

On one hand, he does have some genuine moments where he’s a chill dude looking out for his family and there’s a lot to like about him, but on the other hand... he did a lot of bad shit. 

If I had to pick a “problematic fav” within TFS, Marlon would be it. 

Like I mentioned previously, I wish we had more interactions with him and Louis, but we did get enough to get the point across. 

As for Marlon’s backstory and why he was sent to Ericson, it’s never stated and none of the creators have come forward with information. My theory? That’s a great question. 

Most are inclined to believe that he’s there due to anger and behavior problems, but for all we know, that stuff developed over time since I don’t know if someone like that would be put in a leader position. Or maybe it is and he forced himself in, I dunno. 

My guess is that it’s something we’d never expect. I don’t know if I have a theory because, well, I don’t exactly feel qualified to diagnose Marlon with something I haven’t done a shit ton of research on, y’know? 

Even after writing this and looking through everything... I couldn’t tell you. 

I find Marlon to be a compelling character that I wish stuck around longer. He’s an example of a kid who grew up too fast with the lives of his whole community on his shoulders. He was faced with a no-win situation and suffered with every decision made. His desire to control everything around him, to ground him, led to his downfall. 

In the end, Marlon expressed sincere guilt for what he did. Apologizing doesn’t magically make everything he did okay, far from it, but it was a step in the right direction. I wish he had the chance at some kind of redemption, but it’s The Walking Dead. Not everyone gets a redemption arc, most get theirs torn from their grasp. Marlon is one of those people. 

He had a lot of good qualities that were severely overshadowed by his final moments. I believe he genuinely cared about Ericson and believed he was doing all the right things to protect him. He took things too far, manipulating those closest to him and causing them more pain than he ever thought. 

All in all, an enjoyable, complex character. 

Want to see more of these long character discussion posts? Let me know! Feel free to send suggestions for characters you’d like me to cover in the future! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this Marlon character discussion/analysis/rant thing! Let me know your thoughts on Marlon!

[spaceskam]

warning: depression, other mental health wonkiness

Michael tapped his foot against the pavement until Kyle stepped on it to make him stop.

"You need to either calm down or go home," Kyle said sternly. Michael looked up at him, entirely drained and slightly terrified Kyle would actually make him go home. "When Alex comes out, he needs everyone to be calm. Don't fake being overly happy, but don't get him anxiety to feed off of. So just... be calm."

Michael took deep, controlled breaths in response.

For the first few weeks after the whole kidnapping and Crashcon incidents, Alex had been thriving. He was riding a high that Michael watched from the sidelines, but that most people got a view up close. He was more active, he was more friendly, he was (according to stories that made Michael was to vomit) hypersexual, he was so high energy that it was almost jarring. Michael had seen him kiss Forrest in public and hold hands with him and tell him stories with animated hand motions. He looked so goddamn happy.

But then he broke.

Kyle had said it was pretty common for people to just pretend like things were more than fine after a tragedy. And, considering it was Alex, he had a lot of tragedy that he was ignoring. Then it just all hit him at once. He couldn't get out of bed, he was crying all the moments that he was just entirely emotionless, and he was falling into old self-destructive habits that Michael chose not to think about.

With a little persuasion, they'd gotten Alex to agree to be admitted. He needed help that they couldn't provide. They had group calls every week, all eager to see how he was doing. He always sounded so tired, but he was getting there. He was making progress to be back to normal. Or, whatever normal could possibly be for him. Normal with regularly psych evaluations to adjust medications for the rest of his life.

"He's gonna be okay," Forrest said from the other side of Michael, giving him a reassuring smile, "We just need to be there for him."

To Michael, that seemed to be the biggest problem. Before all of this, the only person who was actively there for Alex was Forrest. His friends were shit. Michael was shit. They were all shit. They were all the reason Alex got so bad in the first place. None of them were there to notice when his three weeks of bliss got suspicious, to catch it before he plummeted, to talk through what happened. Forrest was too new to his life to know.

And yet Forrest was the one who cooked for him when he started to struggle getting out of bed. Forrest was the one who helped him clean his room whenever he let it go. Forrest was the one who came to them in the first place to say there was something going on. No wonder Alex wanted him. He was better to him than anyone else.

Surprisingly, though, Forrest didn't blame them for being bad friends. Alex didn't even blame them. But they blamed themselves that seemed to be enough weight on their shoulders. Guilt was already painful, but when it was guilt about Alex, it made Michael feel like he was in his own personal hell.

But he was trying. He was trying to be better, to do better, because that's how he could be good to Alex. He was going to be a good friend at the very least.

"There he is," Kyle said softly, taking a deep breath before throwing on an award winning smile. The agreement was only a couple of them them would go to meet Alex at the hospital as to not overwhelm him, but they would have a more adequate welcome home lunch the next day as long as Alex was feeling up to it.

So it was just Michael, Forrest, and Kyle there to witness as a nurse held the door open for him and Alex slowly walked out, using two crutches heavily. Michael wasn't sure if he was allowed to have his crutches or his prosthetic while he was in there. He wasn't about to ask about it now.

Forrest pushed off the bench and met Alex halfway, instantly pulling him into a welcoming hug. Michael watched as Alex melted into him, letting himself be hugged even though he couldn't really hug him back without risking hitting him with his crutches. But his face smushed against Forrest's shoulder and he looked safe there, so Michael refused to be jealous. Alex was number one priority.

Kyle and Michael stayed where they were as Forrest and Alex shared a couple words. Forrest kissed his forehead at the end of it and took ahold of the bag holding the clothes he'd gone there with. Then Alex started coming closer and Michael could hear his blood pumping in his ears.

He was wearing baggy clothes from head to toe, but he still seemed more thin than when he last saw him. His hair had grown out a little more, shaggy and toussled and not at all neatly combed like he had it before he got taken by his own brother. He had dark circles around his pretty eyes and he moved slow, but he managed a smile for them as he got close.

"Hey," Kyle said, pulling him into a hug. Alex again leaned into him and smushed his face into his shoulder, keeping his crutches in his hands. "How was it?"

"Mandated therapy and med regulation was good, but everything else sucked," Alex admitted. His voice was soft and underused and Michael held his breath to keep himself in check. He said he could do that. "Was like being back in basic. Always being told what to do, always being watched. It was the worst."

"So, sounds like you're happy to be out," Kyle said, laughing softly as he let go of him.

"Yeah," Alex breathed, eyes drifting over to Michael finally, "I'm happy to be out."

Michael didn't step closer, too scared to fuck up or push any buttons. He didn't know if he was allowed to hug him or get the same smushed face kind of affection like the other two got. Michael was different. He was the one who was most at fault. He was the only one who knew exactly what happened to Alex and he didn't do shit to make sure he was okay afterwards.

Maybe he really shouldn't be there.

But then Alex came towards him and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning into him as his sole form of balance. Michael didn't even mind when the crutches slammed into his calves. Alex pressed his face into Michael's neck and breathed in deep. Michael hugged him as tight as his body would allow, bowing his head towards his shoulder.

"I missed you," Alex whispered against his skin, so soft Michael barely heard it. But he felt the words, specifically for him and reverberating through his skull. Michael squeezed him.

"I missed you too."

Tears sprung to his eyes, but he held them back. He refused to have any bad vibes for Alex to feed off of. And Alex clung to him for what felt like longer than he hugged the other two combined, just holding him and breathing him in. It didn't make sense. He didn't deserve it.

Michael walked away. He left him when he needed him most. He didn't deserve this.

"Don't cry," Alex said, just as soft as before, his fingers gently gliding up and down his spine.

"I'm trying," he admitted, blinking rapidly to try and make it stop. Alex squirmed just a little in response to his eyelashes against his skin and it made him smile. Michael gave him one last squeeze before he let him go. He had to let him go. If he held on longer, he wouldn't be able to keep from crying.

Alex regained his balance and then looked behind him at Kyle and Forrest, both of whom seemed unphased by the length of the hug.

"Please tell me you guys are going to feed me something unhealthy and greasy because I need it," Alex said, voice still soft and so sweet that it stirred laughter in them all.

"Yeah, I'll stop anywhere you want, let's go," Kyle agreed.

They made their way to the car and Forrest helped Alex into the passenger seat before he and Michael slipped into the backseat of Kyle's car. Forrest sat behind Alex and draped his arm over the side, letting Alex grab onto his hand.

The whole ride, Alex made small talk and joined in on the jokes. He seemed happy to be out and back to normal already, facade in full force. Michael wondered if he did it on purpose or if he subconsciously was too scared too look weak.

Then Michael wondered if he was the only one who noticed.

Alex ate the fast food Kyle got for him happily and they all headed towards his house. When they got there, they helped Alex inside and offered to stay with him, but he declined.

"I'll be okay," Alex said with a smile, "I'm just gonna go to bed."

Kyle and Forrest left in their respective cars and Michael got in his truck to do the same, but he couldn't even turn the engine. He got back out and knocked on the door. Alex answered it a few seconds later.

"Did you forget something?" he asked. Michael stared at him and then was once again reminded that he was supposed to be sending good vibes. He had none of those to give.

"You don't have to pretend to be fine," Michael told him, "You can be honest."

Alex stared at him for a few seconds as if reading him entirely. He probably was. Michael wouldn't be surprised.

"You can be honest too," Alex said. Michael swallowed and looked away before looking back at him, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Why did you hug me? It was all my fault you were in there," Michael said. Alex shook his head.

"No, it wasn't. Maybe you didn't help, but you have your own problem. I'm not yours to fix and you're not mine. I learned that," Alex said, smiling and then letting it fade, "But I hugged you because I miss you and I love you and my therapist agreed that I should give you a hug. I know you can't say it back and I know... I know it's easier for you to say it to other people for some reason, but I can say it to you and that's my progress."

Michael stared at him, feeling more lost than he was before. How did he explain his reasoning? How did he fix it? How did he fix himself?

"Don't cry," Alex said again, still soft and sweet and not a trace of pity. But hot tears of frustration and anger and months of feeling worthless poured down his cheeks before he could stop them.

"God, I'm so shitty. I'm horrible. I don't deserve your love."

"I know you don't mean it, but that's a manipulation tactic."

Michael laughed through his tears, sniffling before a whine involuntarily emitted from his throat and he felt like crumpling. He needed to go home. He needed to get away from Alex. He was only going to make things worse.

But Alex's crutch hit his shin to get his attention.

"You can sit out here 'til you feel better than you can come lay with me. The way you smell helps me sleep, so it's for selfish reasons, don't get it confused," Alex said. Michael huffed another laugh.

"Okay," he agreed.

"I have to help myself and you have to help yourself. We're always gonna be toxic for each other if we don't. I got help and I'm working on it. Now it's your turn," Alex said. Michael nodded. "Okay, I'll see you in a little bit."

The door closed and Michael went and sat on one of the chairs Alex had outside. He brought his legs to his chest and bowed his head into his knees, clasping his fingers around the back of his neck.

And he let himself cry.

[botwstoriesandsuch]

casual anon checkup how you doin

Let’s see, well we just breached 4am, and the sense of urgency to complete some school work has finally kicked in. I got my laptop propped up on the kitchen counter, and I just finished making some houseblend coffee that I loaded with milo powder for “health” purposes. Gotta finish up this AP Stat quiz while pretending I have some semblance of what the hell is going on in the class that I don’t pay attention to. I got my fancy bluetooth headphones that I connect with the wire anyway because I don’t like using up the battery, and I’ve had this acoustic cover of Solitary Warrior Revali looped for a few minutes now--I need those soft vibes to distract me from my thoughts about how the only reason I’ve been so sluggish with my work overall is probably due to years of ingrained perfectionism and inability to adapt my standards to the currently circumstances of the world along with my slightly declining mental health so you know--music’s nice. 

Oh! And my dad got me this electric coaster (as pretentious as that sounds, I know. Leave me and my not-cold drinks alone ok) for the holidays and it matches with my favourite mug that I’m drinking from right now so, it’s the little things :3 Plus, not to derail myself from my school life intentionally, I’ve been working on this sheet music for one of my songs for a few weeks now and it’s starting to actually sounds pretty decent so yaay!! Probably won’t share it for a long time though...I’ve really been only working on it on and off again when I have “free time” [which may or may not just be my online class gym period hey you can’t prove anything to the cops]

Uhhh what else can I shove in here...”How you doin” pfft, I don’t really know how to make this ask funny or entertaining. Well I’ve nearly finished up this zine piece about the Royal Tech Lab so that’s fun (shameless plug for the Memorabillia Zine) aaand, I’m picking my kalimba again to learn Mipha’s theme. About time, cause I have to record shit for the [REDACTED] project I’m working on >:) heh. Oh fucking SHIT now that I think about it I have like three different secret projects I’m working on huh...haven’t even finish the script for that damn au...OK what it, right, “how am I doing” well, I’m doing everything and nothing currently, if that makes any sense. Your possible regrets about sending this to me aside, it feels good to just lay everything on a plate, shit out a post, and then never talk or acknowledge it ever again. It’s like birds, you know how they just take a ten pound shit in the mourning and never look back? (That way they don’t need to go during the rest of the day) That’s what this is, just a giant load of bullshit that I’m gonna set out at 5am and then never look at again. 

You know as unhealthy as it sounds I really do dedicate a lot of time to this blog and this fandom. I mean sure not all of it (arguably any of it) is productive, but hey it’s something. The fuck else am I gonna do with my time...you wake up, you slam your keyboard awake to show up to online class, you take a nap, you spend a few hours keeping up the cishetallo gifted student appearance to your parents and then spend the rest of your time finding enough serotonin on the internet to make your brain work. Hell if I’ve talked to another human being in real life all year. Even my parents just kinda talk about the news and “how was class” during dinner which lasts like 10 minutes. My dad just kinda pisses off to work as soon as breakfast is made, and my mom just kinda stays in her office until everyone’s back and she makes dinner. Wait, that’s a lie, she does talk to me on Sunday mornings when she informs me of how I’ve ruined her day before church. So you know I do prefer it that way anyhow, why the hell would I want to talk with them when I got perfectly entertaining internet companions. What’s a “what scholarship programs are you doing?” to a *checks notifications*, “why are Rito fingers like that if they molt to they just lose the ability to--” god fucking dammit...

So! What were we saying--how am I doing? Welp. Guess it’s up for interpretation cause I sure as hell don’t know the answer to that. The hell would you do with the answer anyway. Pity points, praise points? I don’t particularly care for either. God I just realized you introduced yourself as “casual anon,” HA....apologies this is the opposite of casual isn’t it. Or, well maybe it isn’t. I’m the one just having a nice little chitchat with myself as I sip through my mug o’ caffeine. I might have to add a keep reading bar to this so I don’t blog up the dash, but also that would be ironically humorous to see for such a stupidly small question huh. Idk, contrary to popular belief I don’t have a spine so I’m probably not gonna unload all this shit on my followers like that out of the blue. Hell I’d be surprised if I actually posted this. Then again...5am and vibin with bad decision making.....plus the sentiment of putting something out to be seen is always nice.

You ever watch Bojack Horseman? Fantastic show, it’s just on a whole ‘nother level when it comes to writing. And yeah, I probably should have been watching it in the first place, BUT.............yeah ok there’s real excuse I probably shouldn’t be watching it/have watched it. But there’s this one episode in Season 4 I think? It’s where Bojack gives a eulogy for his mother’s funeral and the entire episode is just that, it’s just this giant monologue of him giving his eulogy. And that episode always facinated me because it is probably the most interesting episode in the entire show and one of my favourites, and like...how did they do that?? How did they make twenty minutes of talking so engaging and entertaining? I mean, yeah, I could probably analyze the pacing and structure to find the answer, and hell if I’ve watch my share of youtube video essays on the subject. But like, just the entire concept that someone had the idea to make 20 minutes of talking an entire episode....that’s just insane (forgive the language). 

It’s one thing to want to talk about yourself for a long time and be interesting, but to pour all kinds of energy to make some made-up fictional character talk about THEMselves for a long period of time...is that sad? Or maybe it’s respectable. /to make an audience care more about something that’s not real rather than you. Well, perhaps that’s selfish thinking. 

Oh! You know what, I just got this super nice message from someone the other day about a Raybands giveaway. Obviously, I’m not in the need for sunglasses during this day and age so I kindly declined and ignore the offer, but it got me thinking: how liked to you have to be in order to sway someone to clicking a random link. Like I’m talking about your friends or something, but like, if you opened your door oneday and Mr. Rogers was there selling clementines, would you buy them? Or if Lin Manuel Miranda offered you a vaccum, would you buy it? What’s the standard of known niceness that constitutes to you complying with what they’re asking? I sure would like to know....not for manipulation purposes but just for...idk, just having that tangibility of something. 

Ah well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw how am i doing. Well I’ll tell you what I’m doing, I’m procrastinating. Procrastinating on work and wips and conversations and dilemmas. You don’t fail all the shots you don’t take afterall *wink wink* aaand for legal reasons that was a joke. Idk, you tell me how I’m doing, fuck if I know. According to this empty mug, I’m doing well, but I also will be doing a piss in the bathroom probably.