#my mental health is bad enough rn where like

[localtopegg]

Can’t wait to have my meds again so I can write and actually feel good about being here and on discord again. I’ve been spiraling without my medication and it’s made everything really very beyond rock bottom. I am in the abyss at this point.

[la-galaxie-langblr]

what is going on w my brain

[wildermouse]

vent iii.

[whore4gwen]

Re8 Women dating HCs

Contains: Lady Dimitrescu, Donna Benevento, & Mother Miranda

WLW

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Tags: Light talks of manipulation, narcissism, and sadism, mental health issues, fluff, angst if you squint hard enough, possessiveness, slightly unhinged behavior, MY personal head cannons, very slight suggestiveness, Mirandas fucking God complex, isolation, religious elements, cuddling, poor perception of love, & tax evasion.

A/N: Im working on sm things rn it’s not even funny. Despite that, I desperately wanted to post something, so here’s some of my hc. No these are not all my hcs, these are just some of the REALISTIC ones I have. These are based on my own personal perception of these fictional characters. You are welcome to disagree with anything I write, but you’re not welcome to harass me about it. Please keep negativity to yourselfs. Anyways, please enjoy!

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Alcina:

-It’s not that Lady Dimitrescu is incapable of loving another, I just think it’s the way she would love.

-Carnal, possessive, dangerous, a little crazed even. Nothing about the lady’s love is sensual or soft. She’s powerful, domineering, and boy does she relish in it. Of course she’s aware of all the things she could do, all the things you’d let her do. So willing, so compliant, so easy to control.

-Alcina is a narcissist through and through. You will bend to her will, to her every need. You’re hers, after all. (We still love you thou)

-I feel like her love is very incessant, very smothering for lack of better words. She’s not exactly clingy, but she needs you around, she needs to feel your presence.

-Always, and I mean always watching you. Nothing you do will go past her. She needs to know exactly where you are and what you’re doing at all times.

-A bit emotionally manipulative. Of course she doesn’t see it that way, she just wants everything to go her way. What’s so wrong with that?

-I think for the most part she’s a little self aware about her flaws and what not, but I wouldn’t say this with 100% certainty. A big part of her doesn’t really see a problem with the way she is. It’s absolutely normal.

-But to be fair, it’s not like anyone would call her out.. so🤷🏻‍♀️

-Pet names pet names pet names. Alcina absolutely adores them. She only really uses your names unless she’s really pissed. In that case, run.

Donna:

-Shy. So incredibly so that you don’t hear her voice till weeks after working for her. And the way your jaw fell to the ground when you heard it had Angie belly laughing on the ground. If it wasn’t for her, you thought maybe you were hearing things.

-Forgets to eat often. She gets so preoccupied with her dolls, she doesn’t always take the best care of herself. So make sure you remind her to eat:(

-It’ll take AGES to get Donna there, but when you do, she is nothing short of the wait. Very passionate, and a little unhinged.

-Like Alcina, she’s a bit possessive.

-She finally found someone she was comfortable with showing her scare, you’re not going anywhere. You belong to her and that’s final. You’re literally stuck, so get comfortable.

-Values your opinion over everything. Her cooking, her sewing skills, her Garden. Donna swoons at praise. A light pink dusting her cheeks any time you compliment her, no matter how minor.

-Poor Donna has been alone for quite some time now. Touch starved as well as touch repulsed. Have fun with that :)

- Canonically, Donna has really bad mental health issues, which causes her to lash out and make rash decisions. She’s not abusive by any means, just a lot to handle.

-She gets into her own head a lot. Constantly convincing herself none of this is real. That one day she’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.

-I know she has manic episodes. Cannot convince me otherwise. Before you, they were almost unmanageable. Your first experience dealing with Donna during one terrified you. You were so worried about Donna, you had no idea what was happening.

-You tried desperately to comfort her. Unfortunately the voices were stronger than your weak attempts.

-After a while, she finally calmed down and explained that catastrophe as best as she could without scaring you off.

-At first Donna didn’t really understand the purpose of cuddling. It’s not that she didn’t want to, she was just truly confused. After having the significance of cuddling explained to her, she fell in love with it.

-Unironically, she’s the big spoon. She loves holding you, making sure you’re safe in her arms. Now, it’s the only way she can fall asleep.

Miranda:

-This bitch is so crazy.

-All shits and giggles aside, this woman is absolutely sadistic.

-Mind games are inevitable. Especially if she’s truly in love with you, in her dark and twisted way.

-Possessive asf.

-Did I already say possessive?

-Miranda is definitely stingy and will isolate you from your friends/family. Why do you need them when you have her? She’s your Goddess, she’s all you need. Never mind everyone else.

-Definitely the type to tell you to take a nap if you ever say you’re tired of her shit.

-You’re not going anywhere. Nice try, but no.

-I know this is obvious, but her God complex is really top tier. I mean seriously.

-Absolutely loves being worshipped, and not just in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. She wants to be put first, she wants to be your number one priority, your Goddess, your everything.

-She will find a way to incorporate her status & power in everything she does.

-She loves you, but you must always remember your place, under her. Figuratively and literally.

-Despite her cut off personality, she’s definitely a cuddlier. Especially after a long day of failed experiments and aggravating meetings.

-Like Donna, Miranda has been alone for almost a century. She’s so damn touch starved yet also incredibly touch repulsed at the same time. Have fun coping.

-Of course she threatened you if you ever told anyone thou. I mean can you imagine THE Mother Miranda being spooned? Imagine what the public would say.

-Fucking tax evader.

-After she gets Eva back, successfully, she lessens up, but only a bit. Like Alcina, she is the way she is and she doesn’t really see the problem with it.

I want all three of them so badly.

[thedyingwriter]

somethings that i needed to get out regarding today's episode:

9-1-1 live airs in the US around 7 am Friday in my country and i get to watch it at 10:30 am on disney hotstar.

I couldn't wait so i was awake all night and was literally on twt since 6:30 am to get some clips.

that's where i find out that bucktommy break up.

i have been devastated all day. i have cried multiple times and i have literally lost count atp. it hurts like an actual breakup and i have absolutely no one irl to share this grief with.

the Abby being the ex-fiance wasn't even a major issue. i have been seen it done so well in so many fics.

Josh's speech was so beautiful and important but then to pull a breakup like that makes no fucking sense.

after what we saw in 8x5 breaking them made absolutely zero sense.

i was too overwhelmed so i tried to sleep and actually watched the entire episode around 11 am. I wanted to keep and open mind and analyse the episode.

twt is literally so toxic rn. I'm not even opening it.

after watching the entire episode i was even more confused as the breakup made zero sense.

we have had 8 seasons of character growth for buck, if they end up making him go back to casual relationships it just feels a complete wastage of 8 seasons of growth.

and from what we've seen in the past episodes the breakup was completely uncharacteristic to both buck and tommy.

it made no sense. why would tommy put so much effort if he knew it wouldn't last.

him constantly showing up for evan and talking about family just made zero sense for him to break up like that.

also it kinda felt weird to bring moving in together before saying i love yous.

and the way he said "the parking spot was too good to be true". this breakup doesn't feel good at all. he was obviously in pain and so was buck. this isn't doing any of them any good.

utter bullshit.

plus the "I'll see you around buck" broke me. like why the fuck would you do that to me and to buck.

it felt like someone put fucking alcohol all over a stab wound and then rubbed salt all over it.

LOW BLOW.

now coming to the post ep interviews which btw made it worse.

i was still under the impression that the way the breakup happened there was still hope for reconciliation because remember even tarlos went through breakups.

but then lou confirmed he might not be back and that this is it. specially that buck line. UGH.

and that #letbuckfuck interview with oliver really triggered me. I'm a bisexual woman and the reason i really loved buck's discovery of his sexuality was bcs Oliver was very determined in Givin a good bi rep.

but this doesn't feel that way. he could have said that he wants to see buck explore his sexuality more with both men and woman but the whole "girl, girl, guy. guy, girl, guy" montage was a very disturbing image.

it feels very stereotypical and biphobic.

it just hurts me so much. idk why i expected so much from a network tv show who has been queerbating for years.

i am gonna be watching this season just to see how they salvage buck's relationship and sexuality. it feels incomplete.

but if it goes in the buck 1.0 direction that's it for me.

i watch 911 as an escape from reality and if it goes so bad i am not continuing with the show.

it has already tested my limits and mental health enough.

also i need to point out that there are a lot of people who enjoy watching sports a lot more than they enjoy playing it. buck is a watcher. he would have loved seeing the Lakers match. just bcs he doesn't like to play doesn't mean he hates basketball.

a little extra side notes-

really excited for another buckley han kid. hope they don't ruin it. want to see how they deal with ppd this time.

also happy for eddie and really hoping he gets chris back soon.

ya'll need to understand how platonic friendship buddie is also so important rn then them getting together bcs eddie is def not ready to date.

if he starts dating he'll feel super guilty for putting his desire above chris all over again.

ALSO FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK- EDMUNDO DIAZ IS CANON STRAIGHT.

[strawberrypillz0]

I have a question. Like, jirai are landmines and people who are not mentally ill are not jirai, then what about people who ARE mentally ill but are not "landmines", does not have BPD etc? Tbh I don't know how should I label myself, I wouldn't say that I'm "fashion jirai"/just ryousangata, I relate to jirai community in a lot of aspects, but also I don't feel like I fit in the other jirais because they're mentally ill in a different way than me, also rn I'm in a bit better place in my life. Still I'm mentally ill, I consider myself a menhera but I don't feel like I fit in definition of landmine. Am I some weird secret third thing or.... Is it okay to consider myself jirai because I'm mentally ill and relate to the community even tho I don't relate to everything because I'm not literally "landmine" and I'm in a better place in my life and I don't have BPD?? Or would that make me just ryousangata because I'm not mentally ill in a "landmine" way?? Or what... Sorry for sending you this ask

Thank you for asking! I would say that being mentally ill isn't a competition where you need to meet specific criterias - Being mentally ill is valid and should be taken seriously no matter how bad it is, I'm glad you're doing better and people who are not pro recovery are just weirdos I wouldn't care about. Yes, you can def label yourself as a jirai if you can relate to some aspects and into the fashion, if you're struggling with your mental health, even a little bit you can label yourself as jirai.

The reason why I would never put ceratin "criterias" or gatekeep this label is very simple, jirais from outside of Japan can't often relate to jp jirais - most of us can't go to host clubs, work as s3x workers, a lot of gaijin jirais can also get help when it comes to their mental health (not all) - which is the reason why jirai exist in the first place, bc in japan it's very rare and taboo. So If JP jirais don't have anything against us wearing this style when we can't relate to some of their actions (stereotypes) (cuz obv not every jirai is working as a s3x worker or go to host clubs, some of them are just mentally ill girls) why us, gaijin jirais should decide if it's okay for someone to be jirai of not based on how bad their mental health is, if they have bpd or not.

So - as long as you're struggling in any way and relate to some aspects of jirai kei, you're more than welcome to be part of the community, it's not really that deep - if someone is gatekeeping jirai cuz you're "not mentally enough" they are weirdos who want to be better than others cuz of how mentally ill they are, which is overall bad and anti recovery.

(i hope it make sense, cuz eng isnt my first language YY)

[emo-queer-boi]

I think is because of comments like this that Im more heartbroken over Shane doing this than the others, now don't get me wrong I'm not part of the "shane was pushed into doing this by the two evil greedy guys he calls friends" (which btw reeks of racism) the fact that I'm not part of it makes it more sad to me, because I Know he decided to do this, he knows how hard it is to just buy groceries nowadays, not even getting specific into the age group of most of the fans.

I simply can't afford it, I had originally written a whole paragraph about my situation rn and went into a lot of over sharing about really tragic things but I really don't Have to, I can't afford it, and thats that, and it's an understatement to say I've been through many situations where I haven't been able to afford stuff that would have helped my mental health but they were too on the side of "wants" and not "needs"

So no, I'm not upset over this because "boo hoo I dont want to spend money/I'm not used to not getting things I want for free." I'm upset over this and it feels like a slap in the face when it comes from someone like Shane, who says stuff like this that makes me and others think he gets it enough to not put all his future content behind a paywall when so many of us find it comfort content

I know a lot of us are mostly blaming Steven for this, and bringing up stuff about his life like the tesla or food habits and all that, but I beg you guys to see that as big of a shitty thing it is to be out of touch and oblivious about how much your audience can take, I consider it honestly just as bad if not worse to Know and still do it

No I don't think Shane is rich, or at the same level as a famous actor or that charging us 6 dollars for future content is the same level of tone deaf and pretentiousness as celebrities singing Imagine during the pandemic

Another disclaimer: I'm pretty fucking priviledge when it comes to money that my parents can pay for me to have all the necessities to not only survive nowadays but actually enjoy it with certain comforts, I still can't afford it, so I really don't want to think about how people that don't have my privileges feel about this

All in all, shitty fucking decision with understandable reasons pushing it to happen, I don't think any content creator wants to depend on YouTube deciding on giving them sponsors that magically go with the video they're supporting

But please stop acting like Shane isn't a grown man that is aware of not only everything he has stood for in the past but the way things have gotten worse lately for I would say 99% of us

[avocado-writing]

hey! first off, i love your writing so much.

secondly, i’d love to see an aziraphale x reader x crowley fic where the reader has some mental health issues (specifically like anxiety and depression) and they’re going through a really rough time at the moment (maybe they’re just in a really bad headspace or their meds aren’t working so they’re struggling really bad) and they just get support and comfort from aziracrow. (i’m ngl this is kind of a self indulgent ask bc i’m personally going through some bad mental health stuff rn -100/10 i do not recommend). anyways, there’s no rush at all i’m just a sucker for hurt/comfort and fluff.

hope you have an amazing day!

notes: finally getting around to clearing out my requests, sorry this took so long - I was sort of avoiding it for a while because I wasn’t in a great space either. I hope you’re doing better x

pairing: aziraphale x reader x crowley (could be read as platonic)

cw: depression/seasonal affective disorder

rating: T

It’s difficult. 

Some days it feels like the fog won’t lift. The dark months, they always get you and it’s awful - you just want to sleep for a long time and not wake up until you know it will be better. You need to get your meds adjusted, really, but the idea of going outside and dealing with people is just a little bit sickening. 

You can’t. You just can’t. 

The lethargy that can only be brought on with melancholia plagues your every waking moment. You know that you’d forget to take care of yourself if it wasn’t for the two of them. 

God knows they’re wonderful. 

Every morning you wake up to a check-in text from Crowley, gently encouraging you to shower because they’ll be over soon. You find the effort to drag yourself to the bathroom and stand under the powerful jet for long enough that you start to zone out, only leaving the enclosure of water and steam when you hear the two of them walk into your flat. 

You never gave them the key. They manage to get in anyway. 

They bring breakfast - well, Aziraphale brings breakfast, and he eats it with you to make sure that you eat at all. That can be something that you forget. Crowley watches you over the rim of his coffee cup until he’s certain you’ve had an adequate amount, and then a miracle takes care of the washing up. 

Then they’re around you for as much or as little as you want them to be, but never more than a phone call away. 

One day you find yourself crying into your fried eggs, and the two of them look aghast. In a flash they’re by your side, holding you, a hand running up and down your back in comfort. 

“My dear, what’s the matter?” Aziraphale asks, and you can hear him snap his jaw shut quickly because well, the depression is the matter. It’s so ridiculous you end up laughing through your sobs. 

“Sorry. Sorry, I’m being silly,” you manage, wiping your eyes on your sleeve. “I just… you’re so wonderful to me. I don’t deserve it.”

“None of that,” Crowley chastises you, gently, “‘course you ‘deserve it’.”

“It isn’t a burden to look after someone you care about, darling,” Aziraphale adds. 

And you can’t bring yourself to say anything more, so you just let yourself be held very tightly. 

tags: @angiestopit @foolishprincipalitee @smile-eywa @staygoldsquatchling02 @underratedboogeyman @specter-soltare @candlewitch-cryptic @cool-ontherun-world @emilynissangtr @willbedecided @bdffkierenwalker @cool-iguana @ilyatan @civil-groupie @willyoubethepookietomypookster @lxsm2 @clarina04 @wtfhasmy-lifecometo @mrgatotortuga @wereallbrokenangels @night-affiliate @silcosmoke @kimqueenofhell @chewbrry @bajablast23 @h3k3t @am-i-obsessed---maybe @bakerstreethound@a-mediocore-writer@darktealrat @chaospossum @belilwen @rex-ray @hunterispunk

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[an-ruraiocht]

struggling a lot with not having the mental or physical capacity to engage in any meaningful form of political activism and feeling profoundly guilty about that when there are just so MANY people suffering rn. and being well aware that i also don't have the mental or physical capacity to stay on top of my actual jobs most of the time (let alone housework and my health) so it's not like I'm uniquely failing at this and in fact it's pretty reasonable that i can't do more. but still somehow feeling like if i just tried hard enough i would be able to do more and that it's just a matter of priorities. and it is partly a matter of priorities but also as for the vast majority of people "doing your day job" does actually have to be at the top of your priorities because you can't help anyone if you can't pay your bills and don't have enough to eat

and maybe i feel it more acutely because the nature of my social circles mean i have a lot of friends and acquaintances who don't have day jobs and still live at home/are funded by parents so they CAN put all their energy into politics, which is not comparing like with like. and sure for every disabled person who can't go to protests there'll be another getting arrested in their wheelchair so maybe i'm just selfish and heartless not to try harder or do more. i should definitely write to my mp more probably but i can't even stay on top of urgent work-related emails that will completely fuck me over if i don't reply on time and it keeps screwing me over. i should try to use social media to share info more maybe but the only time i've ever had a meaningful "platform" on social media it sucked so bad i made a new blog and now i don't have an audience or any interest in growing one and trying to read enough to gauge what's trustworthy just overwhelms me and social media was always my space for Not having to be mentally switched on bc it's where I go when I don't have the spoons to function in the real world. half the time these days I fall asleep on the sofa while scrolling

and then every time i get like this i make more donations to charities but there are limits to how much i can give and it seems like a bottomless pit where no matter how much money you throw at the people who are on the ground helping, it doesn't make anything better

[slut4converse]

Things in Heartstopper s3 that made me cry in no particular order

Charlie struggling with his mental health

Nick struggling with Charlie struggling with his mental health

Specifically the talk with Aunt Diane (Nick in a Captain America costume, yet he never comments on the fact that his aunt looks just like Peggy Carter?)

EVERYTHING to do with Elle's radio show oh my fucking god I felt so bad for her

Elle struggling with her dysphoria in a sexual context, and then learning how to set boundaries with Tao

VICTORIA SPRING

Michael Holden being the most adorable person I've ever witnessed on television

He is just SO SOFT I want to put him in a MICROWAVE

He is my BLORBO now

THE HALLOWEEN PARTY?!?!?!? THAT HAD NO RIGHT TO BE SO DEVASTATING

Obviously we have Nick crying on Tao's shoulder (which, btw, I LOVE Tao and Nick friendship, we stan character development)

But THEN we have Imogen getting HAMMERED and immediately jumping on Sahar's mouth. LESBIAN BEHAVIOR

Imogens struggles with her sexuality and comphet

Sahar and Imogens relationship is soooooooooooo me-coded, except my queer-awakening situationship was even worse, it ended with our friend group split into not just half but THIRDS, and today we passive aggressively read Hate Poem by Julie Sheehan aloud in our AP Lit class. (Go read it, it's great) (Just the two of us cause we were the only volunteers) (if there could be cinematic symbolism irl that would have been it)

DARCY'S GRANDMOTHER IS THE SWEETEST LITTLE OLD LADY I WANT HER TO ADOPT ME TOO PLEASE

TAO AND HIS VIDEO CAMERA HE IS SO ME CODED

Nick not knowing who he is without Charlieeee

TORI SPRING

I cannot stress this enough. TORI!!

Isaac's third wheel struggles

The jellyfish metaphor

CHARLIE'S SELF HARM SCARS

I ACTUALLY HAD TO PAUSE THE SHOW AND TAKE A BREATHER

Tara's panic attack

All the uni stuff

If I were British I'd be in 6th form rn

So it's hitting a little too close to home right now

GEOFF

GEOFF IS MY BITCH

WE LOVE GEOFF IN THIS HOUSEHOLD

TORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Michael :D

That's all I've got off the top of my head but yk what we'll see where this goes

[satuguro]

Omg after reading part v and Xavier’s promise offer to patch y/n up quietly whenever she needs —and all its deeper meaning—I’d love your head cannons on Xavier having a bad mental health day (per Xavier’s mention in the show that he struggles with his mental health and his dad wants him to keep it secret) and !valkyrie reader making a similar offer. 💜

✧*ೃ࿐ TONGUES & TEETH HEAD CANNONS

[ INTERLUDE II: FOR HIS BAD DAYS ]

xavier thorpe x valkyrie! reader

#CONTAINS— fluff, angst

#AUTHORSNOTE— i'm writing pt. 6 of tongues and teeth rn, but this request is so dear to my heart cause i struggle with mental health almost every day. thank you sm for requesting this xx

— both you and xavier have had a history of neglect and trauma regarding your parents, so that means that bad mental health days happen.

— you don’t get to help him on his bad mental health days prior to the relationship, and vice versa. it takes a lot of trust for you both to fully let people see those sides of you.

— that doesn’t mean that you or xavier don’t see when the other is struggling with their emotions. like that one scene i wrote where xavier says, “take your time,” is an example of the subtle ways he’d help.

— but that shared hardship with emotions also means that both of you can read each other like a book; you both notice the slight changes in mood or when each other’s social battery decreases. it’s something that takes a lot of work from the both of you, but you make it work.

you moved your head to the other side of the pillow, groggy eyes adjusting to the soft light that was emitted from the side table.

xavier’s lips were in a permanent frown as he drew on his sketchbook, his knees pulled up to allow him to prop his art on it. his pencil moved on the paper, the soft scratches dragging you further away from your exhaustion.

“you’re awake,” you said, seeking his close presence as you moved to lay close to him. the sleepiness in your eyes melted when you saw the turmoil in his green eyes. the lack of response only furthered your worry for him. “xavier,” you said softly, sitting up and holding his arm gently, pausing his drawing.

xavier said nothing as he put his pencil down reluctantly. he looked at you, his eyes softening ever so slightly at your pleading eyes. he knew he should talk to you when he had moments like this. moments where he felt as though nothing was going right, as though what he was doing could never be good enough for anyone.

but then he felt you squeeze his arm three times for those three words you’ve said to him over and over, and he found himself spilling his thoughts out to you. and you were so happy to soak everything up.

— you're really cautious about giving him advice during his bad mental health days. you know more than anyone that having someone to listen and comfort you can help just as much as solutions.

— but that doesn’t mean that you both won’t give each other advice when the other asks.

— it took a while for the two of you to work out how to help each other out during bad mental health days. both of your were so used to dealing it on your own that it was hard to actually address it with the other person.

— but it was you that made an indirect promise to him when he finally spoke to you.

the sound of his father's party was merely a muffle as you brought xavier to the balcony. you could feel the quickening of his pulse under your fingertips and how his skin was clammy; he was hyperventilating, the words of his father circulating in his head like a mantra.

how could someone be so degrading about their own son purely for the laughter of others? to speak so lowly of someone they were supposed to care for and raise?

"hey." you looked at him, your hand being the only form of physical contact with him as your worried face studied his.

xavier wasn't having a panic attack, you knew that. but you knew that he couldn't be in that environment for any longer than he was, for as you looked at his misty eyes and frowning brows, his quivering lip and how he sucked it between his teeth to try and keep it in, you wanted to cry with him.

"breathe with me, okay?" you placed his hand on your chest as you breathed rhythmically, allowing the fresh air to fill your lungs and exit slowly. xavier could only follow you, his eyes still threatening to spill over with tears as every exhale he let out shook with his emotions.

if he wasn't xavier's father, you would have burned him to the ground. xavier could see the anger you hid behind your worry, how he knew you would have easily demanded an apology from his father if you didn't know any better.

"do you want to talk about it?" you asked softly as his breathing slowed, your hands cupping his face. your thumbs brushed away the tears that spilled over his cheeks so gently, as though you were afraid that you would break him.

xavier could only shake his head. the possibility of being interrupted by his father was far too high for his liking; if he ever saw xavier like this, he would be forced to return to the party almost immediately. he'd have to get himself together. "'m sorry you have the burden of seeing me like this." he almost winced at how much of his father's words he heard in his sentence.

you pressed a kiss to his forehead as he sniffled, your head moving down to press your foreheads together. you took his hands into yours and thumb ran along his knuckles. "it's never a burden— not if it's you. never, if it's you."

— sometimes xavier does have to stop you from starting a fight with his father. it's a given, considering you're so fiercely protective of him and so accustomed to violence. but xavier kind of likes it because he's always been the one that was overprotective of others, not the other way around.

— xavier also has a really bad sleeping schedule; it gets worse during bad mental health days. you like staying up with him; not to talk to him all the time, but because you don't want him to feel like he's alone in his father's house again, dealing with his emotions without the presence of another.

— but you know how to get him back to bed when it's way too late in the night for him to be awake.

you heard him tap his paintbrush against his jar of turpentine three times quick. the rain rolled outside his dorm room, the droplets hitting the window violently. but while the night was violent and harsh, your lover's brush strokes were soft as he worked on his painting.

he had been quiet for most of the day. there was no particular reason for it— he didn't need a reason for it. sometimes that was just how he felt, and you understood that. he didn't feel like there was anything to talk about, only murmuring that he was simply feeling down and that talking felt too exhausting.

but as the clock flashed 3:32, you knew it was time to drag him to bed.

you wrapped the blanket around yourself as you stood up. your feet made small sounds on the floor as you approached him with the blanket dragging on the floor behind you. gently, you laid your forehead on his back, feeling his muscles relax under your touch. his chest vibrated as he hummed in acknowledgement.

xavier turned to look behind him, the shadow of sadness on his face lightening up at the feeling of your touch. "hi," he managed to say, his voice quiet as he gave you a small smile that took up a majority of his energy. he was exhausted— mentally and physically —from everything, but couldn't bring himself to be under the covers just yet. he felt guilty for being so down all day without reason; he felt bad that you had to deal with him.

"it's 3:32."

"i can see that," xavier responded, turning back to his work. the shuffling of the blanket was followed by your blanketed arms wrapping around his middle. his gaze softened, his arm falling down to put his paintbrush away.

“come to bed with me, xavier.�� the request come out softly, your words nothing short of hopeful and worried. you were reaching out to him, calling for him and expecting him to answer. for him to take your hand or answer your call with his own.

in the end, he always returned to you. he always gave in, not because he was tired or because he was annoyed, but because it was you. he always gave in if it was for you.

[never-forget-viva-la-pluto]

TW:transphobia, murder, transmisogyny, death, suicide mention

this is mostly a rant that i just need to get off my chest

Trans women are censored, harassed and ignored, stalked, and another trans child has been murdered. its a bad time to be trans in many countries rn

If you think that those things dont go hand in hand then you are wrong. Ignoring a trans women when she reports harassment and stalking is how trans women get killed. when a trans man gets excluded from lgbt spaces bc he is transitioned and people think that men=bad, it leaves him without support if he is suicidal or being harassed. When a child is seen as something other than human because they are non binary, officials don't call an ambulance when they are injured and thats how kids die. What happened to Nex was murder.

The ceo isnt committing murder, but he is contributing to the culture that gets people killed and i hope he feels bad about it, especially since tumblr is the one place where a lot of trans people feel safe being themselves.

@photomatt when the statistics have the faces of your friends it is very hard to take you seriously when you have been so glib about the experiences of the trans women on this site. Trans women are some of the most brutalized and murdered people in the world so sorry if I find the car hammer explosion joke funny. Against @predstrogen you look pathetic. I can guarantee she has gotten real death threats. How do i know? bc I have too, as most of the trans people online have.

Enough of that. FELLOW TRANS!! FELLOW QUEERS!!!

LINK TO TRANS RESOURCES INCLUDING SUICIDE HOTLINES:

Don't give up, and dont stop being angry. We deserve to exist and we deserve to be treated like human beings!

[enbycrip]

Everything is just such a LOT rn.

Doing literally anything makes me just *too fucking tired*.

I increasingly feel I’m honestly just being unrealistic in ever expecting to larp again; I’ve played one larp and run one larp this year, and they were awesome, but they both left me absolutely too exhausted to do anything afterwards for about six weeks, and, from the feedback, it feels like some of the adaptations we made on the fly to accommodate the fact that I collapsed on the Saturday late afternoon negatively impacted the game for some players. Which is a thing; ofc; you make adaptations on the fly, you don’t know how a plot will land, you’ll bear this in mind for the next time, yadda yadda yadda. But it makes me feel even more intensely unreliable than I already do.

I had two more larps I was meant to go to, and I ended up cancelling them both; yes, one was covid, which could have happened to a healthy person, but the entire idea of going to larp just increasingly feels like something it’s unrealistic to expect when, frankly, *living* feels *too much*. I barely see anyone because doing *anything* knocks me out for days and being out of the house is *scary* because I never know when I’m suddenly going to have overdone it and will collapse. Every bit of “pushing through” I do when I’m starting to collapse puts hours and sometimes days onto the recovery time. And I don’t really get anything from lying down for an hour. When I’ve started to crash, that’s me for the *day* at the very least.

And then this fucking PIP consultation thing is *really* getting to me. I’m about a third of the way into doing the consultation and it’s honestly more than I can manage, really, and I don’t know how much of that is that it’s genuinely ridiculously over-complex and how much is fucking trauma, which *massively* impacts my spoon expenditure not only on the thing itself, but on everything else.

It’s just…I’m *barely* afloat. I’ve managed to do this entirely remote Masters, which I fucking *pray* I’ve managed to pass, and it’s broken me, tbh. This continual fucking theatre of cruelty that governments put disabled people through where we performatively have to jump through more and more hoops to get the absolute basics for survival, and those of us who fall along the way are dismissed as “faking” is *too fucking much*.

I’ve already abandoned trying to chase up medical aid that *might* help me because that’s what the NHS is like and I honestly can’t take the cumulative impact of that on my mental health. Every appointment I come away from having been dismissed and belittled and not helped impacts me for months, even on top of the physical and financial impact of travel and whatever else it has cost me, and I made the decision that I would rather risk not getting the increasingly tiny prospect of actual aid than have to keep dealing with that. And I *know* some people will decide that I’m “faking” or “it can’t be that bad” because of that, and I simply have to deal with that fact.

My life has dwindled to so very little. I spend probably an average of 20 hours of my day, every day, lying flat listening to podcasts and audiobooks. Some days it’s 24 hours; on *very good* days it’s 18 or 19. Sometimes I manage some writing or embroidery or playing games in that. And I’m *always* in pain. The painkillers *help*; they don’t get *rid* of it.

Is that a life *anyone* would envy? And yet it’s just not enough; if there’s *any* chance I might not be *miserable* enough in it, I need to be put through *more* performative misery in the name of “economic inactivity”?

And this is *before* we get to gender stuff. If they don’t want me dead because I’m disabled they want me dead because I’m trans.

And I don’t have the spoons to chase up referral to a gender clinic because of aforesaid medical trauma and I don’t have the spoons to explain nonbinary gender stuff and how it impacts how much I just want rid of these fucking tits and how shitty they make me feel, and deal with being gaslighted about am I *really* trans *enough* if I’m not a man either?

[araedi]

I promised an update on my life/activity and stuff, so here it is! I’ll stuff it all under the cut but the tldr is I’m still here just on a super slow. I’m always down for chats and interactions as long as you’re cool with that!

I’m quite private about myself online so gonna keep this brief (lol watch me do anything but), but I feel like I keep circling back to apologising every few months for not being here enough then punishing myself over it when I’m not magically active again. It’s ultimately a hobby but I still feel bad that people writing with me could be feeling let down/ignored, so I wanted to drop this rather than keep on cycling the same apology until it feels hollow.

Life’s a Lot right now: I’m currently juggling two part time jobs, pretty much full household responsibilities for three people, night-school with essays, and an emotionally intensive placement as part of my training which also involves paperwork. Home life is also less than ideal (won’t go into details). On top of this, I have chronic health problems alongside chronic pain so most days I’m just crabby and exhausted; my mental health could be better but rn it just feels like I’m treading water to get to a place where I’ll have fewer commitments.

Ultimately rp and writing/creative stuff in general is part of how I unwind so I’ll always be around because this outlet is so rewarding, but as it stands I’m just so mentally and pysically drained that when I do have the time I’d rather just switch my brain off and play a bit of a game and have a sliver of social life than try to force out writing which is gonna be sub-par. I’ve been feeling kinda down about my writing for a bit and just feel like I’m giving the same post over and over, which also isn’t helpful!

As for my activity and where y’all fit: I’m still around and intend to be; still responding to DM’s on Discord or IM’s on here (unreliable though they are -_-) just being ridiculously slow with replies and popping reblogs or replies out just as and when. I’m not the type to up and quit, hell I’ve been on this blog for years so I’m going nowhere, just on the go-slow with the odd spurt of like 3-5 replies.

Of course I 100% understand if this weird unpredictable activity doesn’t fit for you: we all have different needs and expectations with this hobby and if me only showing up now and again isn’t gonna work that’s totally ok and you don’t have to follow or write with me: it’s been a blast knowing you!

If you’re chill to stick around and deal with my slowness, please know I WILL get to replies, even if it’s at glacial pace. I’ll post a shot of my tracker/a list up in the future so I can be 100% on what I owe and know you can always check in with me/hold me accountable for stuff. Please know you can ALWAYS drop stuff in my ask boxes, whether it’s memes or questions for muses or just crack. It always puts a smile on my face <3 if I received it I’ll reply to it, so barring just a few memes I have nothing else waiting!

This all being said I would LOVE to build up more long term/in-depth character relationships and sustained interactions over multiple threads. I love getting to know my rp partners beyond the muses – it’s just that right now it’ll take six times as long to get anywhere. My door’s open for any chats r.e. any muses here or on the multi.

If you need my disco handle just ask/reply here or whatever and I can send it; if you need to get in touch for any reason and can’t seem to get through to me, just send a ping to the bestie Benevolentgodloki c:

If you read all this and are ok with sticking around know that you have my undying love lmao; I know it isn’t easy trying to build anything with someone who only posts once in a blue moon so your patience is appreciated and I’ll always appreciate having people to come back to on here <33

[barghest-land]

wrote a bit about this in tags at first but figured i'm just gonna rant there for a bit. sorry in advance for any typos TW: mention of very bad mental health and suicidal thoughts, and also mention of a car accident oops idk if i did it right but the rest should be under the cut

i'm so glad to be alive rn, even tho it's very hard. very little things make me happy. rn it's raining outside and i'm sleepy and i'm drawing sleeping john and i'm so at peace:) and i think it would be different, it would feel just normal if i wasn't mentally in a dark place. every day i remember where i was a year and a half ago. i could be gone for good, but somehow managed to ask for help, take meds, survive, even tho leaving was very tempting. the amount of shit in my life was already enough so that time was (and still is) literally unbearable. after that, everything started to be more bright. when you feel you might be gone soon, the wind feels more fresh on your skin. sunbeams on the wooden floor are suddenly seem so pretty, and i never noticed that before. every sunset, every sunrise feels like the last. so pretty, yet so sad. you basiucally live with the feeling "i'm gonna miss all this so much. i already do". i look at the little birds with such a warm feeling - i will miss these little creatures a lot. they look so innocent, so fragile and cute. i was close to dying once in a car accident (12 years ago), the car went flying for a good few seconds. i wasn't scared, even tho i knew, when the car hits the ground - there will be nothing after. and even like that, i looked at broken glass flying before my eyes in slow motion, the sun reflecting from it, and all i was thinking about is how pretty it was. kinda crazy, if you think about it. now everything seems the same, but for longer. i can't say i'm out of that very dark place. i'm still there and still trying to find any reasons to keep going. but my cat is there, and her fur feels nice. the sound of loud thunderstorm is going right through my heart and i live for it. the sun is still there. i'm sleepy - and i'm glad to notice that. it means that i have a body, i'm still alive, i'm still there. even when i'm upset, i'm glad to know that. i still have emotions. i can still go out and look for some pretty rocks to find and keep them in my pocket, along with a small sparrow feather. and then go home and draw silly fictional characters from not-so-silly fictional world, based on a real one, that is so dear to me.

two days ago, while looking at the shooting stars, my 10yo cousin asked me why are we here, and what we live for. i told her the truth - i'm 27 and i still don't know. but i will make tea tomorrow, and it will be sweet, as always. and right now i live for that.