#my mental health has to come first
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Me: *experiences unpleasant things from People Being Crazy*
My inner whump writer: *takes notes about the feelings for more accurate future writing*
#whump#whump writing#whump humor#someone went really nuts on me and i set a boundary and now they have cut all contact#i dont regret it#my mental health has to come first#a guy put me in the girlfriend zone#i firmly said i didnt want a romantic relationship#i thought we'd be ok just being friends#but he kept pushing for more interaction even when i said i didnt have the spoons#and he basically threatened me with his own mental health to get me to respond#which is Extremely Not Okay#i told him in the nicest terms possible to cut that shit out#because it was triggering me (and i dont say that lightly)#and now its radio silence and he deleted all the previous messages he ever setn#which is LITERAL MONTHS OF MESSAGES#and the whole thing was this surreal mess of slowly sinking further into my time being absorbed by him#whether it was intentional or not is pretty much irrelevant at that point#he was really messing w my head#and if he takes me nicely setting a boundary as a reason to cut contact? then NO CONTACT#and yeah. i have more ideas of how bailey got in so deep w supervillain now#it didnt feel like a slippery slope until i was looking back at where i came from#essay in tags
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Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.
I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.
The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.
Because it's so hard to exist in this world.
My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:
Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)
Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.
Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.
Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.
Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.
Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s
I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.
So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".
Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)
Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.
If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.
NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD
Stigma in the DSM
Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)
"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."
(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)
#actuallynpd#signal boost#actuallyautistic#mental health awareness#narcissistic personality disorder#people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias#(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar#mentally ill or otherwise ND)#the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there'#no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo#anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that#he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful#misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included#several personality disorders. one of which was NPD.#and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and#he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he#was glad he did#fun times#or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to#support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma#bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me#trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them.#again..... fun times
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Omori is great because it allows me to depict my mental breakdowns and emotional shortcomings without calling it venting by shoving them onto Sunny ✨
Alternative title, that feeling when your maladaptive daydream scenario is violently interrupted and you’re reminded you’re a real person with severe mental health issues.
#error draws#omori sunny#omori omori#sketch#mental health#and all that jazz#omori has come at an interesting point of my life#mentally I can confidently say I’m at my lowest#and playing this game hasn’t improved it in any way shape or form#but it’s the first thing that’s made me feel understood in a long time
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no bc why is my love for bakugo slowly resurfacing...
#my bakugo phase is coming back oh no (it never left)#NO BC S7 VISUALS HELLO#also it's important to note that i havent touched the manga in 2 years#i was absolutely traumatized by that first war and when i found out there was gonna be another war right after that i noped out#me and one of my best friends have chosen our mental health over whatever tf bnha has going on rn#but seeing edits of the characters got me so emo aahfkskdk i miss when i was obsessed w them 😔#aahhhh he looked so good in the s7 trailer or wtvr that was i'm actually losing my shit#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#mha#bnha#bakugou katsuki#mha s7#bnha s7#season 7
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Fixed the door that Johnathan had slipped through, not letting that happen again!
#dracula daily#dracula#re: dracula#may 18th#it's going to be all ooc after this tag on this post so feel free to ignore as i babble on about graduation and breathy mention mental heal#i graduated high school yesterday#which feels completely wild because their was a point in my life where i thought i wouldn't ever see it due to some mental health stuff#it just feels so serial to be here and be getting ready for college come fall#dracula daily has been with me for most of highschool#i first entered the fandom just after my sophomore year when i made my first tumblr account#i read it every day during lunch junior year when i had no friends with the same lunch hour#it's meant a lot to me and will always be connected to a certain time in my life#highschool wasn't great but i had some amazing teachers and made friends i hope to keep for the rest of my life#thank you too all of you lovely dracula people for making me smile all these years#i'm excited to keep reading and making silly jokes as i head into the world
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Yo! Just noticed it’s the anniversary of when I finished my second fanfic Dreamcatcher, which is the work I actually started to lean into writing fanfiction (since my first work I really just wrote for myself before being encouraged to share it).
So, in honor of that, here is some of the original second nightmare which was actually written from Dream’s pov before I ended up changing it to Punz’s.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Referenced Torture, Blood, Death, Injuries, Profanity.
Dream is wet and panting, in a puddle of watery red flowing into an equally crimson pond to his side, where the non diluted liquid gets thicker.
There’s white fur stuck in it as the body of a dog, slashed to bits lies there next to him. Both sitting in the despairing silence of the box.
Tears form in the corners of his eyes and his vision gets blurry, but he doesn’t let them fall. He just exhales.
Why does everything die around him? Why does everything he dare to care a smidge about get taken from him?
As if to follow his thoughts, the white turns to black. The fluffy bloodied dog shifts into a cat that’s long since stopped breathing. Dream turns his head, and faintly smirks at the sight of the additional body sprawled out on the floor next to him.
He mutters to the corpse under his breath, rolling his eyes, “To be fair, you were being a bitch. Like don’t blame me, you know you d—deserved it… I mean I lasted like—how long before beating your head in? That’s pretty impressive—pretty fucking impressive, you know.”
Tommy’s body doesn’t respond, just stays there, unmoving and uncharacteristically quiet. His face swollen and bruised, not unlike the innocent cat he beat to death.
Then his body evaporates and Dream finds himself in a new room, accented with black walls and bedrock. It’s detail is perfectly ominous like he wanted.
He’s kneeling, unguarded by armor with an audience of people surrounding him. His heart beats rapidly threatening to burst out of his chest at the danger. But he ignores it.
Indignant, Tommy rips off the mask that always covers his face. Exposing his pale skin to the cool air and the venomously judging faces.
Despite the frustration at his denial of privacy, he doesn’t so much as dignify it with a flinch. It was expected. He was ready. He’s not about to show weakness in front of a crowd.
They are silent as the axe lands, and lands again before lady death finally embraces him.
They are silent as the sword finds its place in his chest and he falls to the ground, bleeding out into the cold stone beneath him.
It’s ok. He knew this would happen. It was expected, it was planned. He didn’t know they’d kill him twice, but it’s fine.
On one life, he makes his way back down with sharp pain running through his veins. Somehow it seems duller than the pain in the prison cell, though it can’t have been less excruciating.
Tommy once again stands above him savagely firing arrows away. As they pierce his flesh and bone, he searches the cold faces around him and listens intently, hoping to hear one sound of objection to his approaching final death.
Surely, someone will say something, right? Surely, someone will oppose his final death, right? Surely, they woundn’t let Tommy kill him off in cold blood. Would they?
But there’s nothing from them. Absolutely nothing. Standing there, dripping in blood, he feels his heart entirely disintegrate into nothing. Leaving only a hollow emptiness in its wake.
Then suddenly he’s freezing from more than just death and despondency. He’s surrounded by ice. Their pillars, tall and sharp, casting the land in a pointed terrain. Despite the bone chilling air and his frozen insides, he stands, planted to the ground, looking at a sign pinned to the glacier. The wood marking the death of his parrot that travelled so far only to die there.
A deep sigh is released from his lungs and the scene smears into broad strokes of colors. Until a well known bleak room encases him in lava and obsidian again.
Sitting there with nothing but the annoying sounds of the prison to keep him company, he wonders if he’s always destined to lose everything. Was it always going to end up like this? Was he always going to end up alone?
#I swear I do plan on expanding this work into a series… I can’t believe it’s been a year and I still haven’t posted any of related fics… oo#blame bad and techno for claiming me attention lol… anyways I do have lots written so it’s coming… :)#leftovers#c!dream#thank y’all so much for your support. kind words. and for encouraging me to write more and making me feel safe to do so and share it. <3#writing has been really good for my mental health this past year and not only being allowed to do so#but having people enjoy it has been really really healing for me so thank you so much <3 <3#thanks for being the first fandom that emboldened me to write fanfic <3#dreamcatcher#dsmp#dreblr#dsmp dream#for real though… I could have written such good arrow and supernatural and maybe even Loki fanfic if I’d know fandoms could be so supportiv#(and that fanfic isn’t just about ships… XD)#dream smp#dsmp fanfic
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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DIDJA MISS ME?! 😸
[Che’nya has reentered the Tulgey Wood.]
#the chaos cat has returned!!!!#please please hold the applause and mustard 😹#I just needed a bit of time for meowself#went to the groomers and got my claws did and my stripes touched up#I feel MUCH better 💜#let this be a lesson - cats come first 😸#che’nya meows#twst rp#che’nya rp#ooc: but seriously - take care of your mental health lol
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I'll have these moments where I am calm, collected, and feel like I can, in fact, complete all of the tasks I've set out for myself, and then I'll get home and completely lose all that motivation.
#I'm not sure why that is though ... is it the chores? being around other people? the clutter?#I am going to go home and work on cleaning up a bit of my room though ... that's my plan#also I need to pick out a dinner to make next week--and also maybe we'll watch the show we missed yesterday#and give Plushcliff a kissie#I have some things I want to do but maybe I should focus on improving my personal space (my room) first ...#I actually started eating an apple every day and that has helped a lot--crazy how fruits and veggies improve mental health /lh#and if you get this far ... the funniest thing is I used to HATE apples#absolutely loathed them#and then I headcanoned that Heathcliff cuts up fruit (I wrote about it a lot in an unreleased fic I was writing for myself)#and I decided he really likes apples for some reason ... so recently I actually ate an entire serving of an apple dessert I HATED#and was just steaming internally because THIS FICTIONAL MAN HAS ME EATING A FRUIT I HATE#AND I LIKE IT#AND IT'S MAKING ME HAPPY#HOW *DARE* HE#/lh /lh#I don't talk a lot about how he helps me but maybe I should ... he's made food a lot easier for me#ALSO I have opinions about him and food that are very special to me#I just get shy because. Heathcliff is the character I project onto the most and I see him having a lot of the struggles I do#in things like food and stuff--also my opinions on his gender/orientation would get me flamed /lh /lh#well. that may just be my past experiences talking. just know those areas are very important to me when it comes to him#anyway!!#got very rambly near the end of this ... eat fruit okay? it'll help you#scattered pages
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Every antagonist in P5 was focused on order and control, so post-game idea: Goro has to fight against chaos.
Imagine the character with an ability called Call of Chaos struggling with a metaverse threat trying to drag him down further into chaos. Post-rehab, still going to therapy, and now there's some other entity in the cognitive world trying to force him to give into the Call. Said entity is even using Call of Chaos itself on peoples shadows and Goro has to prove it isn't him doing it. All the while Akira is seeing the news and starts suspecting Goro's alive because of it and becomes determined to hunt him down.
With Goro in the end gaining total control over the Call, as well as finally having control of his own life.
#also love the idea that he can to feel Call of Chaos effecting him even when he isnt in the metaverse whenever the entity uses it on someone#and at first its subtle but the longer things go on the more intensely it effects him#oh and really like the idea of Zenkichi and Maruki being Goro's teammates#Zenkichi because PubSec sent him to deal with Goro after his success with the thieves#Maruki as a (reluctant) compromise to stop Zenkichi from calling Akira (because of his counseling experience mixed with metaverse knowledge#ngl I'm kind on the “Zenkichi is Goro's Sojiro” train and a lot of my post-game stuff has included it lately lol#also Maruki helping Goro the most when it comes to his mental health (especially his ptsd and the Call)#p5#things ai made#Akechi Goro#shuake
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Pretty sure half the reason I love Erica as much as I do is that she's actually okay. She's gone through shit, but she came out the other side and went "y'know, I'm not down with all this unresolved angst and poor coping mechanisms." Girl went to therapy and worked her shit out.
#erica ortegas#strange new worlds#she's the best#someone needs to look after their mental health okay?#have you seen this ship?#the captain's having a crisis of faith over his future#the first officers an illegal alien#the security officer only just started to go to therapy for her insane childhood trauma#the communications officer is still grieving the recent loss of her family#the science officer has daddy issues and dead sister issues and fiance issues and species issues that he can't talk about#the head nurse has ptsd and abandonment issues coming out her eyeballs#the cmo's probably the closest to being alright but he also just fought a guy to death so jury's out#one engineer's been killed#one engineer's an ancient thief#sorry for the tag rant#look i need more erica ortegas in my life and so do you
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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guys i fucked up my gpa so bad now i'll be thinking of studying for three months even though i won't do anything about it
#my uni has to be a joke because come on why is everything so hard#okay i'm being a little bit dramatic because i didn't fuck it up so bad it was actually bad before now it's worse#i hate being a bad student i hate it but it was so hard and now i can't fix anything#first of all thanks to my mental health and kindly fuck it because it's the reason of this whole idiocity#i'm mad sorry for taking it out on here but i can't cry anywhere else#academic weapon my ass#daenysdreams
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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the burnout is real lads . . . . .
#which is to say that i came home and just stared at the wall for roughly 2 hours instead of completing my documents#it was at least validating to get to talk to one of my coworkers today#and hear that they're just as burnt out as i am#and usually have to sit in the parking lot for 4 to 5 minutes before they come in because they just don't want to be here that badly#and it feels hard to admit because this is typically thought of as a passion driven profession#and it's like#neither of us have lost the passion for it???#it's not that we hate our jobs#it's just that we both feel like. we're putting in increasingly more effort week by week but we're just.#no longer getting results.#i mentioned how i feel like my faith in my ability to do this kind of work has just plummeted to zero#not at all helped by my mentor constantly pushing me to go faster and faster but then getting mad when my presentations go poorly#because i went faster or reduced the amount of material or cut the Q and A section down 10 minutes#i just feel . . . . . tired . . . . . . . . . . .#i still need to write three planning documents for tonight#one of which needs to be Really Good because my direct supervisor will be looking at it#but my god#i just want to sleep for three days straight and then stare at a wall for another three#i'm so close to the end though . . . . .#just another 15 of these documents (including the three from tonight) and that about covers my internship#of course then there's also the seminar work and the group project and all the fancy official employment documents#and. the portfolio project (a man screams in agony)#but god . . . . . . . .#so close . . . . . . . .#so close . . . . . .#once i'm free from the portfolio it's back to zola work and THEN . . . . . . . . . .#i can finally have a substantial mental health break for the first time since last may ;;; _____ ;;;
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Shout out to my brain for convincing me that I'm still missing something in regards to preparing myself to start my new job next Monday, despite the fact that I've read a million "prepare yourself for work" articles and listicles and I have either everything already prepared or at least a plan to prepare that thing this week.
Its like when you're going on holiday and your brain is like "well what if you shit yourself every single day?? What if you pee yourself every five minutes even though you've never struggled with that at home?" Except it's my brain going "hey what happens if they expect you to bring your own phone headset?" Like???? They explicitly DONT, they have TOLD ME WHAT THEY EXPECT OF ME, can we STOP WORRYING OH MY GOD!???
#it doesnt help that the psych i found a couple weeks ago did NOT gel with me so im also on a psych hunt#which is now on pause til the new year because Im about to work 9-5 for five days a week for the first time since 2019#im not going to have TIME for therapy#im gonna maybe go do some helpful chores to shut my brain up and then play minecraft#which is not helpful because going to my partners therapy sessions has started helping me unmask#so its like im this banana thats been half peeled because oh! we were gonna start to make banana bread! (a metaphor here for therapy)#but then Ive realised I actually don't have the time or money or energy to make banana bread (do therapy) so ive had to just???#duct tape that unpeeled banana back together again#and the skin doesnt quite fit back properly so the flesh is poking through the holes and those exposed places are REALLY easy to damage#which like i know logically will be better in the long run for my banana bread but i have no sort of kitchen support at all#like the souix chef has fucked off the garbage boy never showed up for his shift the gravy kitchen hasnt worked in months#and the patisserie chef is way too distracted making eclairs out of chocolate laxatives to help with the fucking banana bread#anyway ive lost control of this metaphor which is actually a hilarious metaphor for my life and how im feeling about it right now#fingers crossed something comes of eventually getting on some sort of medication to help my brain because this genuinely isnt sustainable#especially with my brain going huurrr bdurr youre struggling??? heres a great way to regulate! *jazz hands* harm urself!!!!!#like fuck off kevin we both know thats not even remotely going to help#le sigh#okay thanks for reading if you got this far#im okay im fine im safe im just venting my feelings because journalling Just Wasnt EnoughTM this time#personal#raven rambles#work vent#mental health
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