#my meds work hard enough as is
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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im so tired of being a sleepy boy
#i napped for 2 hours bc i was so sleepy and still am. why.#i hydrated enough im not having an episode im not sick and no meds are causing it (i think) and the sun is not out so why!!!!#what am i supposed to do aaaaa!!!!!!! sleep for an entire day until i had sm sleep im sick of it?? 😭#i dozed off in the middle of sketching like cmon!!!#looking it up will tell me i have some rare kind of deadly disease and i dont wanna go to my doc and tell him im a sleepy googoogaga#this man is funnily enough my childhood doctor i went to before my adoption so he knows well enough how sleepy i am#considering my grandparents always tell i was fhe quietest baby ever and never screamed or cried they thought i just passed away or#was sick bc i just slept all day#so yss hes well aware of youn and his chronic sleepy sleepiness since baby times#actually thats over 20 years ago and my doc still looks the same#meaning super hot#which is confusing#this man did check ups on me when i was like 6 and 20 years later he kneads my popped out vertebrae back into place like im an old man#and he just looks exactly the same#this messes wifh my brain i think i need to nap on this#personal#tbd#idk why i rambled so hard while in the process of waking up my condolences if anyone read this far#im not even sleepy anymore bc i thought so hard about my doctor and his secret immortality my brain is actually working#🤔 ah
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finally working on my issues. which happens to include the fact that i only draw poses where klavier's turned away from the camera so i don't have to draw his face
#.docx#i don't like working on my issues 🥹 (drawing klavier's face)#it's hard. like my first and last few days on meds where they made me so sick i would sleep all day#that time i said i get possessed by klavier's need to be pretty every time i draw him. maybe it was true. nothing is good enough
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brief survey
*common symptoms include:
physiological - lingering chest pain, shortness of breath, lingering cough, heart palpitations, abnormal heart rate
neurological - brain fog, general cognitive decline, fatigue, language/word retrieval issues, short term and long term memory issues, abnormal executive dysfunction, difficulty concentrating, exacerbation of pre-existing depression or anxiety
**if you first contracted covid before vaccines were available, you can count it as unvaccinated
#poll#polls#covid#long covid#inspired by my realization that i can pinpoint exactly when i first got covid#because despite having a photographic memory i literally do not remember anything between early april and late august 2020#-wait thats more or less the exact 6 month timeframe of early long covid symptoms#the lung issues at least are mostly-gone but recent reinfection hit hard with language/cognition symptom resurgence#i think reinfection was around may 2023#...and guess what that's getting close to 16 months#so i'm guessing this round is an 18 month reinfection#i noticed there seems to be a lot of anecdotes of doctors refusing/being unable to treat long covid#im curious if the frequency of this sort of thing has increased after 2020 in particular?#since pretty much every healthcare professional got hit by early unmitigated/pre-vaccine L/alpha covid strains#and probably dealt with subsequent reinfection if working in high exposure risk environments like urgent/emergency med#anecdotally i have noticed that the med field people less practically/physically involved in treatment (vaccine researchers vs physicians)#seem to be less 'off' in general? idk#i feel like it's just not emphasized enough how much of a risk it is that everyone involved in treating & studying covid#probably has or had long covid at some point
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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for the record, week 3 of top surgery recovery is way worse than week 1 or week 2, even though i am healing very well physically.
#partially because i’m back to work#partially because i’m feeling just well enough to very easily push myself past my limits#partially because i’m not being Taken Care Of anymore#partially because i’m still off my adhd meds#partially because 3 weeks is a Long Time to be constantly uncomfortable and not sleeping very well#but it’s. really hard this week. and i really do not feel good. and it’s all really getting to me.#i’m very tired of being dependent and limited and exhausted.#i just Keep Crying.#izzy.txt
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u guys think my pharmacy will flag me for drug seeking behavior again if i call them right as they open and explain im pretty much nocturnal and id like them to refill my shit before noon bc thats about when im getting to sleep these days
#and waking up after they close#also: theyre closed on saturdays now#idk why but my best guess is they only have one actual pharmacist and state law says they need at least one day off a week#and girlboss demanded saturdays. as she should tbh i cant even imagine her workload#which is why i feel so bad ab calling in the morning to ask for a Fast refill but also maam please my sleeping schedule is fucked#and u have my sleeping medications. i beg u-#funny enough the other two meds (one of them is a much stricter schedule) did refill already and refill early#but ig thats bc i got shorted on the last refill so they figure im out#and now i am but i had to ration like hell#but also i just dont want them to ever call me a druggie to my face again lol that fucking stung#i didnt work so hard to get over other addictions to get that for a medication im actually prescribed and need. fuck.
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Y do I have to get college fomo I literally went to college...but I did it badly what if I had done a good job...I waste so many opportunities 😀
#i should have gone to art school but i let a bojangles manager bum me out so hard i changed my mind#not really the full story. lol. but i just couldbt keep up with even basic shit#like BASIC classes#i couldnt get my time management under control and im still barely scraping by#how is it even a goddamn question that i have adhd. and yet im scared to go forward with treatment whatever that means#its not like meds are the only way like you can go on youtube now#and find a billion how to adhd videos#so maybe im just not trying hard enough as usual#i know i can do better than i am and its in the works ... its just so abstract to me#i put off having a future and now its the future and itll keep becoming the future#sometimes i feel like i dropped out of thr world not just school#like i cant Really go and be a person in the world i cant Really aspire to much#but that is the kind of attitude that keeps you stuck where you are
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i have COVID for the second time ever. got it from my dad who probably got it from spending all his time at breweries.
i’m mostly fine but my throat has itchy painful golf balls in it, my lower back is killing me, and i have almost the lowest level headache possible, just enough to not be able to ignore it.
anyway i’m just venting bc i’m grumpy and mildly out of it.
#he’s coughing like crazy but otherwise fine#i am not coughing at all thankfully#i’m just bitter and grumpy bc i’m so fucking careful bc i know how much this could fuck with my health#and then i catch it in my own home#also my meds are both crazy appetite suppressants#and my throat is sore enough that it’s physically painful to eat#and i’m not stuffed up but everything still tastes bland as hell#anyway eating is a chore and i’m trying so so hard to eat enough#but i hate it#water is good i’m chugging water like crazy#but food feels like i have to physically force it down each time#and like. the Bad part of me is like ‘good we can lose weight’#but the ACTUAL me is like ‘1. we need food to get better 2. we are trying to GAIN muscle not lose weight’#‘and 3. ur already having fainting spells again and u reallt don’t want that’#brains (and bodies) are a whole lotta work#i’m gonna go eat a plum bc at least i fucking love plums#take that brain/body! 🖕#venting#personal
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#vent#cw vent post#cw vent#cw health#cw medical#cw medication#cw death#death mention#after nearly 2 weeks of unexplained pain and Symptoms and working myself up into the worst panic attack of my life#i finally caved and went to urgent care :)#it’s not lost on me that the same thing happened a little over a year ago. not bc of the same symptoms but it’s the same fear of dying#smthn smthn if i had a nickel smthn smthn weird that it happened twice. i rlly hope this doesn’t become a pattern#i can picture it now. every spring i walk in and they’re like ‘ugh it’s the neurotic hypochondriac with 4 anxiety disorders again 🙄#wonder what they think they’re dying of this time!’#sigh. anyways i’m fine. probably.#the consensus was ‘no you’re Probably not gonna have a stroke and die. you’re just Very stressed and in a lot of pain.’#got diagnosed with Stressed Guy Syndrome so now i take ✨painkillers✨ and ✨muscle relaxers✨ 🙃#they wanted me to take a steroid shot too but that felt like overkill. it’s also a big step for me to be willing to take anything at all#not bc i’m scared of getting a shot in the neck i’m just. scared of medication in general. the side effects. the potential for dependency.#it’s only for a week but i’m still uncomfy with it. but it Is nice to be in less pain. tho i have my doubts that it’ll help long term#time will tell. but i still can’t shake the fear of the tiny chance that it Could be more serious. but it’s not big enough for them to test#for it so. just gotta live with the fear. which in turn is making it hard to relax. which is what i’m supposed to be doing. so.#anyways. i Hope the meds work and i don’t end up back there next week spending More money and seeking more treatment#sighhhh i just can’t catch a break these days. it’s Always Something#at least the electricity and internet are back on after the tornado last week. and at least i’m not in much pain for now. silver linings.#sorry to everyone i’ve unintentionally ghosted but it’s been hard to think through the pain and now the meds are making me eepy#hopefully i’ll recover and recharge my social battery sooner than later. bc i do feel v bad abt it#and it’s So nice to sleep without much pain so i’m. taking advantage of that this week. Seven Try To Relax Challenge 2024
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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turns out that eating breakfast after taking the meds you should eat with food is a good idea
#i feel a lot better than i did yesterday#the weird jittery bit of the meds eased up quite a lot#im still not used to it but i think it's gonna help me a lot#i wasn't aware that this kind of. like... clarity? was normal??#i can actually focus on things now. i can sit totally still if i want to. my brain isn't impossibly loud.#idk!! i never thought id be able to get help for this and it's unreal that a tiny fucking pill just... makes my brain function better#we'll see how the next few weeks play out bc it might not be great for me over time and i might need to try out other meds#but idk. ritalin seems to be working decently well and im happy#wait holy fuck i just realized i might be able to actually clean my room now#i haven't been able to fully clean my room in YEARS#ive been able to clean sections of it or like. halfway tidy up most of it#but a full deep clean has been out of the picture for so long bc i can never focus hard enough or get enough motivation to continue#i might actually be able to now. fuck. this changes so much.#i know that probably doesn't seem like much but my room has gotten so out of hand and it causes me stress#i can't even let people INTO my room because its embarrassing and makes me feel horrible#maybe i can actually invite people over now
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Me vs confusing gender thoughts vs mental illness
#my brain has been very loud recently.#been thinking about going on t. that was the whole reason I wanted to get a job but I was so scared to take that step that I didn’t talk to#the ppl I had to talk to and now I’m fired and broke again#so I didn’t go talk to the specialist lady my doctor recommended and now I’m broke again and I just want to go on hormones#I think I’d like myself more if I could be successful but I am not made for working#like in a sad way I think I was made to be a thirty year old in their mothers basement like I’m afraid I’m doomed to that even tho I know im#not I also just don’t like fully believe that I’m not destined to that even tho I’m the one that would have to change my actions. anyways.#I wish I was on testosterone and I lived further up north and I had an apartment or my car converted fully to a living space I wish I had#a wide array of friends who would let me spend a night and hang out and laugh and do stupid shit and I wish I could just travel and make art#and just try my best not to die before I turn 30#but money. and getting money. and working long enough and being educated enough to have a job that pays enough to make going to work worth#it because living is expensive even bare minimum and I feel like it’ll be hard forever and I’ll be stuck behind everyone else forever#but in my head I’m 21 living in my car traveling all over properly medicated (depression meds. testosterone. and weed.)
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can I be vulnerable with u guys tonight the only thing I actually want for my birthday is a hug. just one i dont wanna be greedy that's all 🥹
#like a proper one. feasibly achievable but will i ask for one? no 💞#the boundaries i set for physical contact out of fear of making other people uncomfortable are unfortunately set in stone#i will not be initiating anything ever until i feel safe enough around another person to do so#have i ever felt safe around another person in my life? ahahahahahaha. lets not answer that#its just been a week. and a whole year. and a lot of good things have happened this last year but its still been a hard one!#and I would just like to be held a little while. I know I could want a lot more than that but it feels beyond even imagining#its ok tho im gonna get cake and maybe some new work clothes. might go to the cinema but depends on how sick i feel..#if i dont ill watch a movie at home instead. and ill call my parents too and do my ironing. i dont think theres anything else#apart from gp registration but not counting it as part of my plans bc its a Necessity not optional 😡😡 ive left it too long already#sigh okay going to sleep for real now i tried an hour ago but couldnt. shakes my fist at my meds. hope my dr gets back to me tmr#.diaries
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