#not I also just don’t like fully believe that I’m not destined to that even tho I’m the one that would have to change my actions. anyways.

[milo-is-rambling]

Me vs confusing gender thoughts vs mental illness

[kazuko-stuff]

First Meetings Pt 2 : Exploring the world

Summary: After an accident in a mission that led you an encounter with Gojo Satoru, he shows you around Tokyo opposed to taking you back to Kyoto instantly.

Pt 1

You don’t remember how you got to your current destination but all you remember is being ambushed by the target. “Where am I?” As who questioned your surroundings. When you fully awaken, you notice that you are in some infirmary and a guy with white hair and sunglasses.

“ Oh, um, yeah… you're at a school infirmary. You got really hurt the other day when I found you, so I carried you here.” As the guy explained as he got up.

“No need to worry I’m not a bad guy” he added on

You look at him and notice that he looks familiar. “ Gojo Satoru, I am also a jujutsu sorcerer fighting off evil curses” he introduces himself in a flamboyant manner.

Now you know why he looks familiar. The man right there is already deemed the strongest and blessed by the heavens due to his eyes. You remember meeting him as a child and he was quite intimidating but you wonder if this was the same guy as the young boy from many years ago, as the man in front of you seems to be more playful and some sort of a goofball.

“Oh, you must be hungry right, wanna try some instant ramen. Just warm it up myself.” he handed you the instant noodles along with chopsticks.

“Thank you, Satoru- sama” you take the bowl of noodles and chopsticks from him.

You tentatively start eating the noodles despite being salty and hot , you still finish it nevertheless, it’s better than nothing.

“ Well she really trusts me and doesn’t seem to be picky. Even I have trouble eating that.” he thinks to himself as he isn’t used to instant noodles much like his peers.

“ Yeah, just call me Satoru. Who are you anyway? What happened the other day, you just fell out of the sky you know?” he reminds you of why you're here in the first place. He already knew you were there but strangely he felt the urge to not want to scare you. Maybe he feels some pity for your situation as you were in a place that you don’t know or maybe it’s….

“Oh, I am sorry, I should have given my name earlier. I am Y/n. The other day, I was on a mission to escort a cursed tool. I couldn’t say much about it due to it being a very important one…” only for you to remember Suki and Aya.

“By the way, have you seen my two other friends, Aya and Suki? They were also assigned in this mission as well.” You asked in sudden worry of your two friends.

“ I didn’t sense any other cursed energy other than yours. That’s how I notice you falling from the sky.” He explains

“ Aya, Suki, I hope both of you are alright” as you think of your teammates. The man who fought you and your friends was extremely wanted by the jujutsu society. You can only pray that they got out of there in time.

“ Alright, you don’t have to tell me anything. Besides you should focus on recovery and besides this is the Tokyo branch. So no need to worry.” He turns to you.

“But I can’t. I still have to go back to Kyoto” you attempt to refuse.

“So you're the type who puts the mission above your own life. It sounds like your WEAK.” he rubs his head and his eyes narrow down to you as you gulp.

“Sheesh, I hate it when people do that” he quickly turns around as he rubs the back of his head.

Is this the heir to the Gojo clan? Not taking missions that serious. You heard rumors of him being a brash, arrogant man causing you to believe he doesn’t care for innocent civilians in harm's way. While you were irked by him calling you weak, you were more annoyed that he doesn’t seem to care about the destruction from cursed spirits.

“Excuse me” , you widen your eyes in confusion and irritation from his brash comment.

“Come on, change of plans. What if I ask Yaga to take you back to Kyoto? As he comes closer to you with a shit eating grin on his face.

“ I don’t want to cause you more trouble, Satoru” you argued back but Satoru with his signature smirk came close to your face, “ How can you get back to Kyoto? Do you know any transportation? I bet you don't have any money as of now” he taunted.

“ Don’t worry, it’s considered part of the job as a jujutsu sorcerer to have escort missions” he continued as he bows like some sort of medieval gentleman.

As much as you are bothered that he was purposely slowing you down, he has a point. While you have some emergency money in a crisis like this, you don’t know your way around Tokyo as well as transportation. So you accept defeat for him to take you back to Kyoto.

———

Likewise, Yaga reluctantly allowed Satoru to escort you back to Kyoto, even wondering if this was a good idea, knowing Satoru isn’t a type to take escort missions seriously.

However, you had to wear civilian clothing and you never wore a civvy dress before since you were only allowed to wear kimonos, thus it felt like you were naked. You then meet up with Satoru in the hallway.

As Satoru looks at you with his signature sunglasses on as you meet up with him, he suddenly blushes at the outfit you wore.

“I look weird, don’t I” feeling self conscious as you put your fingers together as you look at your shoes.

“N..ooo you look really fine, let’s go since the travel will be quite long” he stammered all of the sudden as the two of you headed to his bike in order to get public transportation.

This is your first time riding a bike and to be honest, you were quite anxious.

“Scared” Satoru smirks at your bewildered face. “No this is my first time riding one” you answered back.

“Don’t worry, just hold on to me and things will be fine” as he throws you a helmet.

As the two of you get on the bike, he suddenly pedals fast causing you to instantly hold onto his waist for dear life.

“Here… we…go !” He yells as the two of you go to the city place.

“You could have given me time” you huffed due to the sudden adrenaline rushing in but that feeling subsides as you notice how the area is quite busy.

“Wow, Toru! Just look at this town!” As you look at the people just enjoying their everyday lives.

“I never been to busy towns like this before” you admit as you remember the sheltered life you have. You then notice an animal on a sign.

“ Toru, did you see that cute orange animal? Do you think they sell that dinosaur at that place ?” You asked.

“Erm, that’s an agumon from a game series called Digimon. They usually have stew, burgers and parfaits” he explains as he suddenly stops as he realizes how extremely sheltered you are towards the outside world due to the elders butting in.

A sad giggle escapes from your mouth as the two of you get off the bike.” That’s so funny. You know, I never left the main compound on my own. I wasn’t allowed to by the elders. Most of my missions were either destroyed or mostly the country life. If it's mission related, I only allowed to go to the school in Kyoto and approved establishments” while you stared to the open space as your once childlike wish came up to the surface.

“ I got an idea, why don’t we just explore for the day and I can take you around…” Satoru offers but you reject it once more in sadness.

“ I can’t Toru since I’m still considered on a mission and I must report asap” noticing how weak your excuse is.

Satoru looks at you behind and starts looking back at his childhood. “She is like a caged little bird…Who’s never got a chance to even explore the outside world” then an idea comes into mind. “Guess I have to play a pro gamer move, cause it’s time to spread your wings to soar into freedom y/n” as he uses a bit of cursed energy to make believable damage on the bike causing you to turn to the sound.

“ Yikes, must have pressed too hard on the brake and ran into a pebble. I gotta have to leave this at a repair shop. Hope it will be fixed soon within tomorrow…” as he rubs his head.

“It’s alright Toru. I’m sorry about your bike” understanding the situation unaware he did it on purpose. “Yeah we must delay getting to our spot for a while but why don’t we explore for today. See anything you want ? He asked as the two of you took the bike to the repair shop.

——-

The bike shop says the repair would take a while much to Satoru’s delight knowing you get a chance to explore as well a date with him.

The two saw a crepe vendor across the street and he bought some for the two of you. You took a bite of the crepe and smiled at how delicious it was.

“Good isn’t it” he said as he took a bite of his own. “When it comes to sweets, I know which place to go,” he bragged as he took another bite.

You hummed back at him in bliss as he held his hand to you and you shyly placed yours in his.

“Any place you like, I’ll take you there at once” he asked as he smiled at the smile on your face when you were given a chance to explore for once.

“ Thank you so much, Toru. Actually there are a few places I want to visit” remembering the few places you saw when the two of you went bye. Satoru feels his ears turning red at the sudden nickname you just made for him.

The first place was a book shop, much to Satoru’s hidden dismay but didn’t complain not wanting to ruin your chance of freedom. You picked up some literature and started reading a few pages while he was reading some digimon manga he found.

Next, the two of you went window shopping at some boutique and noticed you eyeing on a fancy dress that you like. God how you would look beautiful in that dress and even offer to buy it for you but you reject it not wanting to burden him. But what you didn’t know was that he would secretly buy you the dress as a gift.

The two of you then stop to look at the plants along with a local tabby cat that usually hangs out there.

The two of you then rest on a bench as you look at the vibrant city around you. “Thank you for showing me around these places. I would have never seen how vibrant and colorful the world is” as you still look around as if you make sure you have it in memory.

“ Yeah, Yeah, I know these places are nice and all but the real fun is about to start now” he gives his cocky skirt as he leans back.

“What do you mean?” you look at him in wonder.

The two of you head to a local arcade where he hangs out with Suguru and Shoko once in a while when there is no mission or boring homework to do. You then notice the owner as she sweeps the floor of the arcade.

“Oh Satoru, there you are, it's been a while since you came here with your buddies” the granny smiles and notices you.

“Dear me, didn’t notice you have a girlfriend already” as the granny takes a closer look at you causing you to feel shy. “ I like her” she teases him.

“ Well, she is a new student at my school and is new around town. I am just showing her around” as he tilts his head. “Come on, just get inside y/n” you follow him through the arcade.

———

Satoru then introduces you to a fighter game. He puts a token inside and shows you how to play the game. Your eyes widen with excitement on seeing how fun it is.

“Fun isn’t it. Good for a warm up, since I don’t want my skills to be rusty. Often has my name at the scoreboard” he brags.

“ Can I have a try ?” You ask eagerly as your eyes widen with eagerness to play.

“ Of course, here’s a token. Although you may lose due to how tricky the mechanics are..” he smirks but he wished he would take it back as in your first play through, you managed to beat the cpu much to his shock.

“Yeah I won” you jump in happiness as he just looks at the screen in shock.

“Time to show what to strongest can do” he smirks at himself

“You're really good” Satoru compliments you when you turn your head towards him.

“But there are more games out there, wanna try a few matches against me?” He asks

You give him a big smile, “of course”.

———

You managed to beat him the games throughout the arcade, much to his embarrassment due to you not playing any games before. Must have hurt his ego a bit but at the same time he is happy he gets to spend time with you.

The last game is a guessing game with a digimon head. The granny explains if the answer is wrong, it will bite your hand off. “This sounds dangerous” looking at Toru.

“Granny, stop scaring her. It’s just a game and y/n, I’m the strongest, so you don’t have to worry about anything” he winks while you tentatively look at him, putting his hand in mouth.

The game asks him a literature question based on a Japanese tale, as never was interested in the story, he never got to read it as he ends up giving a wrong answer causing the teeth to appear but you instantly pushed him down much to his shock.

“CAREFUL TORU” as you pinned him on the ground by accident as you stayed vigilant at the head.

“Girl, no need to be scared. This is a children’s game and the ‘teeth’ is just foam” the granny explained, causing you to understand what's going on only to realize the compromising position that you and Toru are in. The two of you looked at each other and blushed.

———

It was already sunset when you just got out of the arcade. You notice some small items in some capsule and Toru explains it’s a gashapon. Toru puts in some leftover tokens and a capsule comes out.

He hands it to you and you open it. It was a little agumon figure. “Gashapon has several random figures and you can collect them” he explains as you look at the little figure. You place the little agumon figure in your pocket.

“The night still is young you know” when the two of you stop by a simple restaurant. “This place has good dinner here” As he hands you a plate of hamburger steak on the table. You took a bite and smiled at the taste.

“Woah, this tastes better than it looks” you continued to finish your meal.

“I know right. The best part is how the chef balances out the sweetness and savory within the tomato sauce” he smiles when he sits down on the table

“I just realized I never had a meal with so much warmth in it. This is really good” you smiled only to realize this won’t last forever. “This has to be the best day in my life and the arcade is really fun. I’ll treasure these precious memories we made” not realizing there is a crumb on the corner of your lips.

Satoru notices and playfully removes it while thinking that you will be locked up once more when you get back but he makes sure that won’t happen. He then looks at his watch and realizes something. “ You know I can take you to other places” Satoru offers playfully.

You wanted to accept but you knew that couldn’t happen. “They wouldn’t allow it” you muttered dejectedly with a sullen look on your face.

“Yeah I know about the higher ups and elders. They can be a pain in the ass but you deserve R&R every now and then.

The elders attempted to lock me up in a stupid house but screw them, that just gave me experience to hone up my skills” Satoru tells you as he leans his hands on his head.

“Sometimes I was given missions to other places after I came to Tokyo. The world is a big and exciting place, I couldn’t stand being locked up in the main place for the rest of my life and to be honest, it’ll be shameful to miss the world itself” as he raise his hand to the moon while he looked back in his past.

“ The games you played today will soon be surpassed by new tech and getting better graphics and updated gameplay. Have you heard of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, it’s an adventure stealth video game, with amazing graphics.” Getting excited for a new game coming up.

“ I‘ll take you to tropical paradises in the pacific and even the historical buildings in Europe if you want” he offered as he held his hand to you, while looking at him with wonder at that thought.

You almost accept his hand but only to remember the ritual you agreed to take on for the future of the jujutsu society, despite knowing how it will affect your body and how Utahime tried to dissuade you from going through it, causing you to space out.

“ Y/n, are you okay, you just spaced out” Satoru looks at you in worry.

“No Toru, I’m afraid I can’t go with you!” Clutching your heart, believing it is one of the side effects of the ritual but it seems to be more. “What is this feeling in my heart” you thought as your heart started pumping fast.

“Shit, didn’t notice but we should get going to the movie theater, I want to show you a movie I think you would like” he grabs your hand to the local movie theater.

[toiletpapergolemn]

Mouthwashing Analysis Pt. 1

Reminder: This is my own personal analysis over the game so don’t dictate it as absolute or objectively correct regarding the game’s message. Everyone is entitled to their opinions (unless they’re wrong) and any thoughts that could add to this analysis is appreciated!

Pretty sure this will be divided by parts or not, depending how many thoughts brewed up by the end of this post. I’m gonna discuss about the following:

Analysis of the Title

How and why the plot is constructed

General Themes

Style of the game

How style contributed to plot and atmosphere

Of course, SPOILERS FOR THE GAME! I’m trying to discuss everything and anything I found significant to the plot and overall message of the game. 

Again, this is just for fun and I like analysing stuff! Soooo…

Mouthwashing is a psychological horror game taking place in outer space featuring 5 characters trying to survive with their limited supplies while trying to keep their sanity intact as they wait for help.  Words: 2080

First is the title of the game, “Mouthwashing” which is also the main drive of the crew’s destination of the shipment. But it’s also a trait in the main character. From the start, you could see how much he emphasises how he is the captain, which I found odd since he didn’t need to flaunt it every time someone is questioning his decisions. It was as if he’s trying to convince himself and others that he’s in charge of the situation and trying to get more credibility from others. It seems that Jimmy feels guilty over his actions so he tries to rally the others up to bolster his resolve— both in convincing him that this will make up for all the wrongs he’s done and the satisfaction of finally being on top of the ladder that he felt is finally deserved. 

Jimmy essentially “washes his mouth” from all the guilt and wrongdoings by saying these things with a sense of pressure and tension and conviction. He doesn’t appear to use a tone that would comfort or console the crew (as any leader would in a life-threatening situation), it’s irritated and strained. He hates the fact they don’t fully trust him because he assumes that he has the full capability of being a leader (he has a high ego) and the implication that Curly is still the leader despite what happened to him.

To put it briefly, the crew believed more in a man who’s burnt half to death and entirely limbless more than they believed in Jimmy. You can see that Jimmy is reckless and rash, actions that could’ve been dismissed because of the circumstances, but when it’s a pattern and happens throughout the gameplay, it questions the credibility of his character. Even the fact that the player thought it was Curly’s fault in the beginning strongly proves how much he convinced himself that he’s in the right and he can “fix everything”. 

The entire title is a reference to Jimmy’s actions, how he tries to shove all the words down on everyone’s throat and baptise himself as a clean, free man. 

His character will be explained more when I discuss the rest of the crew as well. Now, we move on to plot and the line of plot.

“Mouthwashing” doesn’t use a linear storyline. It keeps referring back from the past and then to the presumably present with the constant change of who the player character is. It’s disorientating, it’s supposed to confuse people and throw the players off their course. Furthermore, the flashbacks show the POVs of different characters so some information is revealed while others are still hidden away, leaving only the player who knows what’s generally going on. Other than the fact to create a disorientating effect onto players, the change of POVs can also be used to characterise the cast more. The past always being reflected by Curly could be Curly reflecting on his past decisions and rewinding those memories due to his guilt, wishing that he could’ve done things differently or notice Jimmy’s intentions from the start. His idleness towards Anya’s issue, lack of consequences of Jimmy's actions, and dismissing other problems for the sake of peace is what caused the tremor that shook everyone off.

On the other hand, Jimmy always reflects on the present. His guilt grounds him in the current moment because he now faces the consequences of his actions and his fear festers rapidly seeing as he increasingly grows alarm of Anya (Her private discussion with Swansea) and Swansea (He’s the only person who is openly mocking and rejecting Jimmy’s role as leader). Daisuke is a good-natured person followed by his naivety and optimism, Jimmy knew instilling any good intentions, “do the bad things for the good things”, would urge Daisuke to do anything Jimmy needed. Jimmy refuses to look back in the past and see how red his hands became, the only time he looked back on was when he crashed the ship. Because at that point, he believed he could “fix everything” and he believed the role of the leader was bestowed upon him when he noticed how on edge Curly was and how the pressure was affecting him. He deduced he did the right thing, Curly trusted him after all, he was vice captain, his right-hand man. Yet when he came back out and found out Curly curled up at the corner and questioning what he’s done, did he know what he did was wrong and was evoked from bottled up jealousy? Or did he truly believe what he did was right and crashing the entire ship would get rid of his confrontation of his guilt, jealousy, and hatred?

Did he feel he truly deserved that bloated ego after seeing how scared and small Curly is while he finally looked down on him at that moment?

Following that, this highlighted the general themes of the game: taking responsibility and owning up to your actions. None of the message or themes of the game is explicitly stated (unless you count the texts popping on screen) and the player has to piece them together to reveal the truth. This challenges the player’s morals and beliefs, they don’t know the full story and can only be left interpreting from the character’s dialogues, their actions, and Jimmy’s POV. Yes, the game is telling us a story but also sending a message directly to the player. The sudden texts (take responsibility) on the screen are to emphasise Jimmy’s actions but also urge the players to think more critically. Oftentimes, we mark protagonists as the “good guys” that even though they’re bad, we support them along the way because we are controlling them. Therefore, we unconsciously assume we’re doing the “right thing”.

However, in “Mouthwashing”, you’re rapidly changing between the source of the problems (Jimmy) and the one who let it grow (Curly). The message of “taking responsibility” is applied to both characters. Jimmy for being scared of confrontation and believing that he’s doing the crew a deed by taking the mantle as captain (enforcing it onto them) but then puts everyone in danger as he ignores his other actions (Curly and Anya). Curly wanting to “fix everything” after realising what his friend did to Anya while his solution offered no protection or justice for her and basically letting Jimmy scott free from his actions simply because of their “friend” status. 

(Despite Curly’s actions coming from good intentions doesn’t get rid of the fact that Anya was still mistreated by him. Curly didn’t do anything to confront Jimmy or tell him how wrong it was, words of comfort aren’t enough– it doesn’t erase the damage. Pity is not going to fix or lessen the scars people have already been inflicted with. I’ll elaborate more about this statement in my second post.)

Then we move onto the style of the game, it has an “old-game” atmosphere followed by the simple game models. It’s not realistic but human enough. Each scene of the game is off-putting. The lack of music, the thumping of your footsteps, the claustrophobic halls. It creates a daunting atmosphere which is paired with the inevitability of death lurking as well as the optimism of survival. The game takes you out of the miserable moment for a second (Daisuke as a representation for hope, he’s the comedic relief character who’s the “sun” –As Swansea puts it– that beams through the darkness) then pulls you back in to reveal the creeping unavoidable truth of “no one survives in this” and “no one wins in the end”. 

How’d the game be any different in other styles? Realism doesn’t offer the amount of colour contrast the game does, as we all see when a game attempts to be as realistic as possible: colours get too muddy, the values blend together, it takes you out of the immersion. What I also found interesting is the lack of expression, their emotions almost hold nothing– like a blank slate made to fill in for a role. It’s almost dehumanising to see humans so inhumane, instead we rely on their dialogues and body language. To add onto that, their faces characterise them. Anya is the fragile, vulnerable woman in a crew full of men. Swansea as the tough and harsh oldest employee in the cast. Daisuke is casual and laid back, the newcomer in the group who takes things less seriously. Jimmy is interpreted as the stern leader while Curly as the coward who almost harmed his entire crew (until it’s revealed in the end that he’s as human as the others.) This can be how Jimmy and Curly put labels onto them, both can only see what is above the surface. 

If the game plays on perspective, why are there no more POVs from Curly after he was hurt? The only interpretation I could come up with is Curly manages to see behind the crew’s facades. Anya (as seen from the birthday party) can be humorous, her meek behaviour didn’t come from nowhere, it came from being near a source of danger– as the nurse, she also had to take care of everyone (even the bad ones). Swansea is caring in his own way, as the oldest he felt responsible over the crew regardless of who’s the leader and puts their safety over his– he knows how careless Daisuke is and how docile Anya is. Even Anya felt safe enough to cry in front of him. Daisuke is presumably the youngest of the group, so he’s reckless, naive, and optimistic but it’s in regards of everyone’s feelings– he also shows a much more mature side than we realise (AKA worrying over his mother and wanting to take a job so she can be proud, not wanting her to take all the blame for his death). 

Why aren’t there POVS from other characters? Wouldn’t it make the plot and message much clearer? Because the game is about responsibility. You’re playing as a character who refuses to take any accountability for his actions and you’re in no control to stop it even when you’re the player– most importantly, you’re the one doing these things. You’re the one who’s forcing Curly to take those painkillers, you’re the one who crashed the ship, you’re the one who put Daisuke in danger, you’re the one who killed Swansea, and you’re responsible for all the pain inflicted onto Anya. The worst part is? You couldn’t even do anything at the end as you take Curly’s POV and see Jimmy disappear from your view as he ends it all before he could even open his eyes and see past through his delusions. In the end, he even refused to look at Curly anymore while muttering "he’ll fix it". Because Curly is the embodiment of his mistakes, his errors, his guilt. (Ironic how Anya isn’t in the picture, proving how he truly didn’t see her as human) Everything that he didn’t want to be. 

Another style in the game is the significance of sound. The music from the lobby is used as a juxtaposition of your current situation, it’s calm and serene. While the atmosphere outside of the lobby reveals hopelessness as you’re stuck in an empty abyss with no help coming– even now the silence can be heard. Most importantly, Curly’s pained sounds are the only voice from a character in the entire game. The game doesn’t highlight Jimmy pushing the painkillers down his throat, it stresses the noises coming from Curly. I see the blackout screen as Jimmy’s intolerance to see what he has done, only the noises come out because Jimmy is perhaps closing his eyes like he’s avoiding to see Curly as he attempts to "fix him". He can see all the wounds and the stare of one eye unblinkingly looking at him with no emotions, because he feels no judgement from that eye nor does he see the injuries covered up from the bandages. But his words? The one Jimmy looked up to and listened carefully, unlike Swansea's or Anya’s? Now it’s nothing but the pained sounds of choking and his last remnants of what made him human. The only thing left of his “friend”. (Perhaps the fact that Curly doesn’t even look like Curly anymore contributes too)

Okay so this turned out way longer than I thought it would but if you made it this far, thanks for being interested about this long paragraphs lol. I only watched the game once and skipped over to the bits I explained to refresh my memory a little bit. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration that I love the game and find it so entertaining to analyse each segment and find out the meaning behind them.

I’ll say again, don’t take this as objective truth. This is merely how I interpret the story. Just because mine is the longest doesn’t mean it’s the most accurate. The same way as Jimmy saying he’s the captain doesn’t make him a good leader.

I think I'll talk more about characterization and symbolism in the game in my next post, if you look at my paragraph about Swansea a little bit closer– you can guess he’s my favourite out of the others lmao. I hope this was an enjoyable reading though, as it is for me.

[halloweensqueen-supreme]

My thoughts on Agatha All Along episode 6

Ok so I’m gonna try and keep this in the order that they happen in the episode. I’ll likely go on tangents but it’s just a general idea. - I’ll be using William for when talking about Kaplan and Billy when talking about Maximoff and Teen if I’m not really sure which one applies in the moment or if I’m referring to both of them.

MAJOR SUPER DUPPER SPOILERY BEOND THIS POINT!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Was it just me who saw the palm of his hand and just thought it was an A and that it must meant it was destined that he was gonna have to do some shit with Agatha? 😭

I wish we got more of Lilia. Like she clearly thought something of William/Billy but I couldn’t tell if it was both of them or if she just saw one or if she was reading the body more than the person?

So it was Lilia who put the sigil on him!? But why!? What did she see!? And why did it work on Billy and William!? Was she hiding both of them? And what happened to cause the sigil to break? Or did it not actually break until he crushed it?

Was it just Billy in the body and William is just dead? Or are they both still in there? Or does he literally remember nothing?

I think the road is catering to Teen more than the rest of the coven based off of everything in his room.

Is he really taking Ralph’s version of what happened as his facts on what happened in west view? Like it’s fairly accurate don’t get me wrong. Bro just seems really crazy.

Are we meant to believe that Teen is Black Heart now? Cause we already weren’t sure if it was him or Rio so I can’t tell what they’re trying to set it up for. Or maybe they were just not sure of how smart we all were and wanted to make sure we knew there were options on Black Heart?

I can’t tell what this kid’s personality is!!! Based on last week he’s been faking the whole time, but based on this week he hasn’t been. But then once we got to the end of this episode it feels like he was faking the whole time again. He seemed like he genuinely was trying to be nice to and help Agatha, while he was lying to go be able to go down the witches road. But more on this later.

I’m wondering if only specific people can see Rio at any given time. Cause based on what we saw from Agatha’s POV, Rio was always there. But now based on Teen’s POV she hasn’t been. This is another one for later.

I’m wondering about last episode still. I feel like we need to know more about the last trail. It was very weird and I feel like we need more of an explanation on it and what happened in there. Like they even just kinda left Alice? Idk but I don’t believe it. And so apparently Agatha just kinda grabbed on and climbed out of the magic mud shit. Ngl it’s Agatha, I can see that. But we still need to know about Jen and Lilia. We know they have to get out and we know they have more trials together. So I’m wondering how and when they’ll come back.

Ok so I think now is ramble number 1:

I think that the first way we saw Teen is his actual personality. When I saw the clip of him and Agatha and how he was at the end of episode 5 I thought he was faking. But with the end of this episode I think him (and also Agatha) are lying. I think that Teen is lying that he didn’t need Agatha to go to the Witches Road and actually wouldn’t have known how to actually get to or through it without her. Though he did lie with how much he did or didn’t know I don’t think he even knew he had those powers to that extent until he got upset and we saw him use them. While I don’t think he ever fully trusted Agatha, I feel a bit like he was exaggerating to some extent because he’s upset about Alice. I also think Agatha is lying to him too, because she’s guilty and maybe hurt but doesn’t want to show it. The only thing that makes me unsure about this is when Teen said that he wasn’t nice. But despite that, as of now I have faith that they can work it out and have a mutual redemption in the other’s eyes (which I think could happen in the trial that looks like the psych ward).

Ramble Number 2:

I don’t think that everyone is able to see Rio. I think Agatha can almost always see her, not just because of their relationship, or because of all the people she’s kill, or even just because Rio wants Agatha to see her. I think it’s all those thing plus I think that she, like Billy, died and then took the body of someone who had died, maybe even multiple times, and I think she can do this because Rio is letting her. I think that Rio is even a bit like a thestral, and there may be certain qualifications of sorts that let someone see her. I think that the reason Jen, Lilia, and Alice could see Rio is cause they were on the Road. On the Road you’re holding Death’s hand, so they can see her because of just how close to her they are at any given moment on the Road. I think that Teen can see her more than they could, but not as much as Agatha. I think she can see Rio more than everyone else.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. These were my many initial thoughts as I have no one to tell them to. I’ll probably think of more stuff in the coming week, this is just a first thoughts dump I needed to get out. Thank you if you read all the way through and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

And as a side note: someone tell the kid William/Billy/Wiccan/Teen/What-Ever-We’re-Calling-Him-Now that if he hurts Agatha’s feelings not only is Lady Death herself gonna come after him but I personally will find a way to reach me are through the screen and snap his little neck. 😁

[lustfulslxt]

ok, here's an idea. so tk that one song that blew up on tiktok like a year ago (escapism by RAYE) anyways, what about a reader who js broke up w her bf and is doing the things in the song (in the back of the taxi sniffing coke) and for the lyrics that are like "24 hrs since my ex did dead it, I got a new man on me it's abt to get sweaty" but like Chris is the new man on her?? idk if it makes sence, and u don't have to if u don't want, js think it'd be cool!!

Escapism - Chris Sturniolo

warnings : mentions of alcohol, drug use, smut

a/n : i did change it up a bit, so i hope you don’t mind!!

—

“I found someone else.”

His voice keeps replaying over and over in my head, on a twisted loop, tearing my heart to shreds. It was so sudden and unexpected. To say I was prepared would be a lie. I should’ve seen the signs, but I was just so blind to it all.

I knew he loved me, but I guess I also knew deep down inside that he wasn’t ready. He kept telling me everything I wanted to hear. It was music to my ears to hear that someone cared for me so much, but a voice within kept whispering that he wasn’t ready to fill those big shoes. I need a man that is ready to fully commit to a future with me- no hesitation, no doubt. Even though I knew he was good to me in every way possible, he just couldn’t give me everything I needed and wanted. I knew it. I just didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to keep living a fairytale in hopes that one day he would be sure about what we had. I figured the longer I waited for him to change, eventually he would become who I needed him to be. I didn’t want to have to start over.

It hurts. I’m sitting here overthinking, a million and one questions running through my head. Unable to sleep, creating different scenarios, while making a mental list of regrets, but I can’t keep blaming myself for someone else’s inability to provide the type of love I deserve. Tonight is just like any other night, difficult as hell, but I’ll do what I’ve always done. I’ll get over it, I’ll get through it. I’ll be fine.

I’m going to push this all out of my mind. I don’t want to just sit and dwell on what could’ve been or the wasted time, I want to feel free and have fun. So, I’m going to go out and do me. I don’t need a man that isn’t fully in it, and until I find one that is, I’m going to do as I please.

Just last night, I was torn up, completely devastated. Now, I’m heading out the door to go get drunk. My uber is parked right outside, waiting for me. Confirming it’s actually my ride, I slip in the back.

“Good evening.” The woman speaks from the front.

“Hello.” I breathe, eager to feel something other than the terrible aching in my chest.

“Having fun tonight I see.” She grins, looking at my destination on her maps.

“Yes ma’am. Need to get out and get my mind off things.” I admit, shrugging to myself.

“So long as you’re safe.”

I only smile and nod at her in the rear view mirror, turning my head to watch the scenery go by. Doing my best to not let my mind wander to the night before, I close my eyes and hum along to the radio. Already consumed by the music, I grin to myself, letting the lyrics take over and dictate my night.

It doesn’t take long before we pull up to the bar, I’m tipping the driver and making my way out as she wishes me fun. From the outside, it doesn’t look to be too busy, which I’m thankful for. I can hear the chatter and the mellow music outside the front entrance, welcoming me inside.

I walk inside, the atmosphere already calming my slight nerves. I can tell I’m going to enjoy myself. I head up to the bar, taking an empty seat at the island, and wait for the bartender to finish up with a few customers at the end. It only takes a couple of minutes before he’s heading over to me with a smile on his face.

“Hey, what can I get for you tonight?” He asks, laying the towel in his hand on the counter.

“I don’t care what, but something strong, please.” I reply, sliding him my card. “Actually, could you start me a tab?”

He nods, “Sure thing.”

He walks away for a moment, punching into his little register. He slips my card back to me and starts making my drink. I watch as he basically fills it to the brim of some kind of dark liquor. He steps back over, sliding me the small glass with a slight smirk. I take it and down the entirety of it, cringing at the burning sensation.

“Keep them coming, please.” I speak, lifting my head and letting the alcohol do its thing.

Shots on shots, I’m now very intoxicated. I’ve never done anything like this, getting fucked up at a bar by myself, but I have to say, it’s not bad. Anything to rid myself of my sorrows. The liquor is coursing through my veins, making my body hot. I can hear the music booming in my ears, though it’s not even that loud. I don’t feel the aching in my chest anymore, and my thoughts aren’t consumed with regrets and self doubt. I feel good.

It’s been two hours since I got to the bar, I’ve had countless of shots and I know I can’t take anymore. I’m going to have a terrible hangover when I get up in the morning. I slide the empty cup in front of me, grabbing my bag and waving the bartender down.

“You can go ahead and close my tab out. I am fucked.” I slurred, shaking my head with a faint smile.

“You got it. Do you need me to order you an uber?” He questions, his brows furrowed with concern.

“Thank you for the offer, but mine’s already waiting outside.” I smile, waving my phone in my hand.

“Alright, take care.”

I give him a salute, drunken giggles pouring out of my mouth. Turning on my heel, I make my way to the front door. Upon exiting the building, the cool wind blows through my hair, and I’m inhaling a breath of fresh air. My eyes scan the street in front of me, in search of my uber driver. A few cars down, I see the car waiting. Attempting to be quick, I stupidly speed walk, causing myself to trip a few times. Luckily, I still hold my ground and don’t completely eat shit. I reach the back door, swiftly pulling it open and sliding in.

“Uh, what’s up?” A male voice speaks, startling me.

Startling me, because he’s also sitting in the backseat. I furrow my eyebrows at him and look around, noticing the car is filled with smoke and the aroma of weed. Then I return my gaze to him, taking in his appearance as he’s cladded in black. He’s got a black t-shirt underneath a black zip up hoodie, black sweats, black air forces, and a black hat sitting backwards on his head.

“I didn’t realize I booked a share ride.” I stammer, confusion plastered over my face.

“You didn’t.” He chuckled, “This isn’t your uber.”

“Swear down? It definitely is, I wouldn’t get in a random car.” I point out, slightly stumbling over my words.

He continues laughing, and that’s when I noticed the blunt in his hand, the cherry red and smoking.

“I’m 100% sure that it’s not, ma. Here, look.” He says, showing me his phone.

It’s displayed on the screen, the type of car and his uber driver, which is definitely this one. I shake my head in confusion, pulling my phone out to show him. Only once I unlock my phone, I notice that I hadn’t fully ordered the ride. My face heats up, and I would be utterly humiliated if I weren’t drunk right now.

“Guess I had one too many.” I mumble, a smile evidently taking over my lips. “Sorry.”

“No worries. We can share.” He shrugs, indicating it’s no big deal.

I raise my eyebrows in question, but he only leans forward to the driver, asking, “Would you mind dropping her off wherever she needs to go? I’ll pay for it.”

“You don’t need to pay-“ He cuts me off with a wave of his hand, continuing his conversation with the driver.

Seconds later, he sits back with a triumphant smile on his face. He sends me a thumbs up, bringing the blunt to his lips and inhaling it, the cherry burning brighter. After puffing on it a couple of times, he extends it out to me, offering me a hit. I don’t know what came over me, but I gladly accept it, bringing it to my lips and sucking it in.

“What’s your name?” He asks, observing me intently.

“Y/N.” I answer, blowing the smoke out and passing him the blunt. “You?”

He takes it with a small smirk, replying, “Chris.”

I nod, leaning forward to give the driver my address, which he types into his maps. I look back at Chris to see he’s already looking at me with a cheeky grin, which causes me to giggle.

“What?” I ask, a large smile adorning my face.

He shakes his head, “Nothing. Just wondering why you’re as fucked up as you are when you’re by yourself.”

“I am not fucked up.” I state, defensively.

“You got into my uber, thinking it was yours, but you never even booked one.” He points out, chuckling at my predicament.

“Fair.” I laugh, ultimately shrugging, “I got dumped, and I decided to get my mind off of it. What better way to do that than getting shit faced?”

“Fair.” He repeats me, laughing. “You don’t have any friends to go out with?”

I shake my head, my lip softly curling up, “Not really.”

“I won’t pry.” He tosses his hands up in defense, before taking another drag from his blunt.

“Do you think he’d be cool to stop at a gas station or something?” I whisper to Chris, suddenly wanting to drink again.

“Yeah, surely.” He agrees with furrowed eyebrows.

He leans up and begins conversing with the driver. I can’t help but let my mind wander again. I’m drunk, in the back of a car with a stranger, and somehow my thoughts still run back to my ex boyfriend. What is actually wrong with me?

“Yo, you good?” Chris’ voice snaps me from my thoughts.

“Hm? Oh yeah, could use another bottle or something.” I shrug in response.

“We’re about to stop at 7/11. I can get you one if you need.” He says.

I immediately shake my head, “No, no. You already offered to pay for my ride, that’s more than enough.”

“It’s no problem.” He casually replies, reaching his blunt back out in my direction.

A smile reaches my lips once again as I take it from him, puffing on it and letting the smoke fill my lungs. I can’t help but notice the way he intently watches me, his bottom lip snug between his teeth. He’s actually very attractive.

We continue talking and joking around, passing time before we pull up to the store. I step out, prancing towards the door, Chris joining me. I spin around, looking at him with a cheeky smile, almost tripping in the process. Chris reaches out and catches my arm, laughter pouring out of both of our mouths.

“Take it easy, mama.” He chuckles, tossing an arm around my shoulder.

I playfully push him away, both of us staggering apart from each other, breathless from our heavy laughter. We get to the door and he leans over me, pulling it open for me, him following in suit. I’m instantly heading to the coolers while Chris heads to the snack aisle. As I’m browsing through the alcohol, I see Chris’ reflection in the glass doors, his arms full of a bunch of junk food.

I turn around with a huge smile, “That’s a lot of snacks.”

He smiled back, shuffling on his feet, “Yeah. I was actually going to ask you if you would maybe want to come to my hotel and hangout?”

It doesn’t even take me a second before I’m nodding, “Sounds like fun.”

“Great. What are we drinking?” He asks, directing our attention back to the coolers.

I open the door, grabbing a random mini six pack of beer. I hold it up to him and he shrugs, neither of us caring. I head to another cooler, looking for something to drink aside from the alcohol. I decide on just a two liter of pepsi. We make our way to the register, piling our things on the counter.

“ID, please.” The man behind the counter says, his voice monotone and bored.

I can’t help the giggles emitting from my mouth, pulling my card out and showing him. He scans all of our things and I swipe my debit card, much to Chris’ dismay. Retrieving our bags, we’re out the door and in the uber again.

“Change of plans, just the hotel.” Chris tells the driver. “Sorry for all the confusion.”

“No worries.” He responds, pulling out of the parking lot.

It takes us around ten minutes to get Chris’ hotel, and in that time, we’ve already grown closer in our intoxicated states. We’ve both gotten extremely touchy, but not even in a sexual way, though I wouldn’t mind. Chris puts our bags of snacks and drinks in his backpack, then we get out of the car. Chris tips the driver, before he places his hand on my back, walking me into the hotel.

We head to the elevator and I’m already pulling a beer out of his bag. I pop the cap off and place it in my pocket, taking a swig as we wait for the elevator to get to the main floor. Chris looks at me and chuckles, grabbing the bottle from my hand and drinking it himself. The doors open and we enter it, him taking another drink as he presses the button to level five, the brown liquor pouring into his mouth so smoothly.

“You’re so hot.” I drunkenly say, bursting into laughter at my slip.

“Yeah, but look at you.” He smirks, nodding at me as he looks me up and down. “You look like you taste good.”

My jaw goes slack, the atmosphere growing more tense. Quickly recovering, I shrug, “Only one way to find out.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” He flashes his pearly white teeth at me, his hand finding its way to my back again, pulling me into him.

His face is swiftly leaning in, his lips meeting mine in seconds. The kiss is soft but hungry, like we’ve been yearning for each other all night. Maybe we have. His hand on my back pulls me even closer, our bodies pressing together, his hand holding the beer bottle out as to not spill in on me. His tongue swipes in between my lips, asking for entrance as one of my hands rests on his chest, the other going around his neck. Just as he shoves his tongue in my mouth, the elevator dings and the doors open, revealing an elderly couple. We quickly pull away and they look at us with wide eyes, Chris and I just chuckling as we exit, making room for them. We look back at them, then back at each other, laughing once more.

As soon as Chris unlocks the door, he’s pulling me in and pinning me to the wall, kicking the door shut with his foot. His lips meet mine in a feverish kiss, his tongue immediately slipping into my mouth. I can’t help but moan at the feeling, enjoying the way he seems so desperate for me. He leans to the side and places the bottle on the table, slipping his bag off his shoulders as well. His hands meet my hips, pulling me into him, his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. He quickly shakes off his jacket, his lips never leaving mine.

He then swiftly lifts me up, hooking my legs around his waist, walking me to the bed. He sets me down, pulling his shirt over his head as I do the same, leaving me topless. He grins at the sight of my bare breasts, his hands immediately groping them, eliciting low moans from me. We both kick off our shoes before he lays me back, hovering above me.

“You’re so pretty, mama.” He breathlessly whispers against my lips.

I let out soft whimpers as his lips trail down my neck, leaving hot kisses the lower he went. He hands massage my waist, squeezing ever so slightly. My hands move back and forth from his hair to his bare chest, feeling all over him and keeping him flush against me. His skin is so hot against mine and I can’t get enough of it.

“You sure you wanna do this?” He asks, pausing to look me in the eyes.

I frantically nod, no doubt or hesitation whatsoever. His hands tug on my pants, swiftly pulling them down and tossing them aside. He kisses up from my feet to my thighs, leaving warm lines of saliva in his wake. I can feel my legs shaking a little bit, anticipating what’s to come. His nose brushes against the fabric of my panties, and I can feel his hot breath against my core, making me whimper.

“Please.” I whine, my fingers latching onto his hair.

“What do you need, mama?” He asks, flattening his tongue against the wet patch on my center.

I can’t help but moan and buck my hips, desperate for more, “Please, I need you. I don’t care, just you.”

Just like that, my underwear is lying beside my pants and Chris has my legs over his shoulders. He blows cool hair onto my dripping pussy, the feeling causing shivers to travel up my spine. Without another word, his tongue is plunging into my folds, eliciting a loud moan from me. His mouth moves vigorously against me, licking and sucking every inch.

“Fuck, I knew you would taste good.” He hums into me, “I could devour you all day everyday, never get tired of it.”

All I can muster are lewd moans, my body jerking as he suddenly thrusts two fingers into my entrance. His tongue laps my clit, flicking side to side over it, his fingers stroking me and curling so perfectly inside. My legs visibly tremble, clamping around his head as I feel myself being brought to the edge. With another few pumps of his fingers, and the rapid shake of his head side to side, his tongue pressed firmly against my clit the entire time, my back arches off the bed as I let go, reaching my climax with a loud cry emitting from my mouth.

“So pretty, mama. Such a good girl, letting me taste you.” He praises, licking up every drop.

He lifts himself up, coming back above me. He places his fingers at my mouth, tapping lightly on my lips, so I take them in my mouth, sucking my essence from him. He moans at the sight, immediately replacing his fingers with his tongue, the taste of me remaining behind as we kissed.

“Take your pants off.” I say, breathless from the feverish kissing.

“Are you sure?” He questions, to which I nod, and he pulls them off, along with his boxers.

The sight of his dick has my mouth watering; it’s long, girthy, and rock hard. His tip is bright red, throbbing in need as it drips precum. I wrap my hand around it, pumping up and down a few times, before pushing him onto his back and straddling him. His eyes widen at the sudden change, but nonetheless, his hands meet my thighs and he begins stroking them back and forth. His erection is now pressed between my legs, poking into my heat. I slowly grind down on it, lubricating him with my juices, pulling low moans from both of us.

“Fuck.” He groans, his hands tightening on my hips. “Just wanna be inside of you, mama.”

Granting his wish, I lift up, positioning him at my entrance. As I begin sliding down, his hands interlock with mine, squeezing them as I take his whole length. My jaw goes slack, taking in the feeling of him inside me. I feel him shudder beneath me, thrusting up a bit, snapping me back into it. Our hands rest beside his shoulders, still intertwined, and I slowly begin bouncing. Leaning down, I bring my lips to his, capturing them in a heated kiss. The speed of my motion increases, his hips now thrusting upwards to meet mine, hitting just the right spots.

“You feel so good around my cock. So tight, so warm and wet.” Chris moans, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

The room is hot, our bodies sweaty and sticking together. The smell of sex fills the air, the sounds of our moans and heavy breathing, along with the wetness at our centers, echoing off the walls. The bed rocks back and forth, though not too loud. His dick continued digging into me, my walls wrapping around him so snugly, my arousal being the perfect lubrication.

His upward thrusts pick up, his hands now on my hips, holding me in place as he drills into me. My face falls into his shoulder, my teeth biting at the skin, preventing myself from screaming at the overwhelming sensation. His hands find my ass, gripping and spreading my cheeks, helping me rock into him so perfectly. It takes but only a second for me to tumble over the edge, loud moans falling from my mouth as I clench around him. I feel the hot wetness pouring out of me, soaking his dick and balls. My nails dig into his chest, attempting to help release the built up pressure inside of me.

“Damn, mama.” He groans, guttural moans escaping his throat. “Look so good when you cum, baby.”

I bring my lips back to his, kissing him with everything in me as his thrusts grow sloppy, indicating he’s close to finishing. I tighten around him once more, giving him that extra push, and his hips sputter, abdomen flexing as he lets go, shooting his load into me. I continue riding him for a minute, helping him through his orgasm, before slowly pulling off and whining at the loss of being filled up by him. I collapse down next to him, my head lying on his shoulder, his head on mine. We both struggle to catch our breath, our bodies slick with sweat, both of us heaving from exhaustion.

“I’m glad your boyfriend dumped you.” His voice croaks out, slightly hoarse.

I can’t help the chuckle that leaves my lips as I pat his chest, “You and me both. He could never fuck me as good as you just did.”

—

a/n : okay, sorry, i actually hate this :((( i feel i drifted from the request but i didn’t know how to bring it back without rewriting it and i just didn’t have it in me. so sorry, i hope you still enjoy it! <3

[firelightmuse]

8. What do they think about romantic love? Do they have baggage surrounding it? Do they idealize it? Is it an object of longing and wanting, or were they really not thinking about it until they started falling for the other character? What are their expectations like?

I would be especially interested in your headcanons for Zenos on this subject!

Ohhhh very good question!!! I’ll try to tackle it from both of their perspectives.

Yume: For Yume, romantic love was something she always dreamed of since she was a little girl, but she thought it was unattainable for her, as she was always expected to marry for political purposes due to her father being a daimyo and she was destined to follow in his footsteps. After she was banished, she became lost and was in search for a new purpose in her life, and although romance was now more attainable than ever before, she still put it on the back burner. It also was complicated by the fact that she never had found anyone that she was sexually or romantically attracted to, well, until she found herself strangely attracted to Zenos, and more and more so every time she encountered him.

Even after she had recognized that she had a very strange attraction to him, she never thought a relationship would ever be possible, because, well, he was her enemy and he was hell bent on doing whatever it took to fight her again, and she would do her duty as a Scion and kill him if she had to.

But then came the moment when they were both dying at the edge of the universe, and she just couldn’t bring herself to let him die out there alone, not after all that he had done for her. She recognized that in his own way, he had been trying to reach out to her in the only way he knew how, and he had traveled all the way to Ultima Thule, just for her. She didn’t realize it in the moment, but she unconsciously thought that perhaps there was a chance to save his life, to save his broken soul, and that there might be a chance at something more. Perhaps romantic love was possible for her, for Zenos, for them.

Zenos: Keep in mind that I’m still doing my own “research” on Zenos’ characterization, and I’m still trying to evaluate him in order to properly write him as a character in Yume’s story, so this is definitely a work in progress and this characterization is subject to change. That being said…

I believe Zenos would absolutely be on the ace/aro spectrum, and I don’t think he ever put much thought, if any at all, in romantic love for most of his life. He likely read some romance novels in his youth, as I HC that he is extremely well read and he read those books along with everything else in the palace’s library, but he likely just thought that romantic love was either not real, or even if it was real, it didn’t affect him in anyway and paid it no mind whatsoever. He never felt much of anything else besides the pleasure of The Hunt*, and so he ignored the idea of romance altogether.

Whenever Zenos fought Yume, he started feeling pleasure from the thrill of battle with her, and he never gave a thought to what exactly he was feeling besides that it made him feel an overwhelming sense of joy, and he didn’t think he could ever feel that way in his life ever again, hence why he kills himself at the end of 4.0. When he finds himself alive once more, he is driven to fight Yume again, but because he is denied the chance for so long, he begins to feel a sense of longing, a pining for her that he had never experienced before. He recognizes that his feelings for her have become more complex, but because he had never experienced any kind of love before, let alone romantic love, he doesn’t know how to fully comprehend it, let alone express it in a healthy way.

It isn’t until Yume brings him back with her to the Ragnarok following their near death encounter in Ultima Thule and during his long recovery that he wants to figure out why Yume saved his life when it was completely unexpected and, in that moment, unwanted. In his therapy, he begins to realize that what he feels for Yume is romantic love, and that she might feel the same for him, and it takes him quite some time to figure out what that means and what he actually wants in this life that he somehow finds himself living once again.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Thank you so much for the great ask @otherworldseekers!! 🥰💖

[emtmercy]

to be clear i do not care if someone stans lestat or whatever i like him myself i know he is pretend <3 but the allergy to even acknowledging his behavior as it is presented to us is just strange! im not saying lestat is an abuser therefore the show is eeeevil for making him a complex/sympathetic character. people who commit abuse are complex and sympathetic in certain circumstances in real ass life! “abuser” is not some ontologically evil category of person destined to do harm forever. “victim” does not mean faultless angel incapable of harm. i think it does the show a disservice to gloss over those themes in favor of well theyre just monsters its not the same. which is once again. literally what santiago (bad guy) says at the trial. also episode five had a domestic violence warning. also louis jumped lestat because he laid hands on claudia. imagine me saying all of this in a spirited but friendly tone of voice by the way i have no beef with you personally

Actually the episode very much premiered without a domestic violence warning and they added it after because people were mad. know your history before being obnoxious online

You’re again still missing what I’m saying

I’m not saying it is only not the same because they are vampires you are unwilling to contend with what I’m actually saying

I am saying harm and abuse aren’t one and the same

Lestat and Louis did great harm to each other. Period. You are interpreting my refusal to incorrectly assign real human labels not represented in this show as a refusal to acknowledge wrong doing on Lestats part and those are entirely separate things

Lestat did bad things to Louis. Louis did bad things to Lestat. They both had to make amends. That is not what abuse is.

Abuse is a cycle of violence with very real specific attributes not present in this narrative

You decided Lestat was an Abuser (TM) in season one because of a fundamental misunderstanding of the material

The show is based around the concept that happens between the first two books which involves the reveal that Louis has been running from his own culpability and thus unable to heal

And again, victims do not share responsibility for their abuse in real life!! I refuse to cede to you that victims are equally responsible for their abuse, and this show is presenting them as equally responsible for this shit show relationship

And I don’t need to argue with you about whether abusers are “ontologically evil” in real life. That’s fully irrelevant. I am saying in real life abuse there isn’t mutual responsibility for the abuse. And the show is very clearly presenting us with the idea that they were equally culpable for what happened hence the reveal with Louis beating his ass

Hence the Louis apology. These writers aren’t stupid.

And yes Louis jumps Lestat for laying hands on Claudia and then lays hands on Claudia himself because in reality it’s not about her it’s about him and Lestat

Not all harm has to be about abuse/victim

I agree that the harm between them was real and not excused because of vampirism. Your desire to slot me into the role of Santiago is not representative of what I am saying despite your commitment to imagining what I am saying. I am saying that not all harm, and yes especially magical harm, is not equal to human ABUSE. Harm can matter and not be an abuse cycle: I truly feel you may not understand that abuse is a cycle of behavior and specific dynamic and not just anytime someone does something cruel or bad

I’m not flattening the show by not applying these very specific real human dynamic labels to this relationship. You are flattening the show by being unwilling to engage with where the story is taking us and the way in which the portrayal from season one has been revisited.

I’m trying to explain to you that they’re not in an abuser victim dynamic in the human sense im not trying to tell you that none of it matters and no one possesses culpability

I don’t believe the writers chose to have the season end with Louis apologizing to his Abuser

It ended with Louis apologizing to a man with whom he had a mutually destructive relationship in which they both harmed each other

I’m not saying a vampire character on IWTV can’t be an abuser in the traditional sense, I’m saying they’ve gone out of their way both to have Lestat and Louis own their behaviors and harms and also not assign them that very real and specific role of Abuser and Victim

When I discuss Louis’ behavior I am not implying victims are angels. Im saying a mutual fight started by Louis isn’t an instance of ABUSE of Louis

Lestat acknowledging his harm is not the same as slotting it into this dynamic you clearly need it to be in

I simply don’t believe the writers are trying to write a story about forgiving and marrying your abuser

Its about mutual forgiveness of two flawed people who mutually harmed each other

Which is not what an abuse dynamic is

Like honestly your interpretation is rly sliding into a place that is offensive to victims and survivors

[rxvonna]

"We've located him, but…" The way that Mobius glanced at Ouroboros and trailed off, Ravonna knew that he was about to break something to her very gently that she wasn't going to like. She steeled herself for it against the workshop counter, but she was pretty sure she already knew what was coming.

"He's in a branched timeline. We sent an agent in. He…won't remember you."

There it was.

"I don't care." Her response was out almost before he could finish his sentence. It was pretty much the worst case scenario. The smile she felt herself forcing was extremely tight, but it was all she could do to keep from crying in that moment. "I don't care. I'm not leaving him there. He doesn't belong there."

Mobius nodded, and she wasn't sure which was worse—his sympathetic expression or the fact that he couldn't seem to meet her eyes. He'd never really had that problem before. He also didn't immediately come up with solutions or suggestions, which was his usual way of handling things. No doubt he and OB had already discussed everything before she arrived for the update and they felt there was no good way to fully get her husband or his memory back since the TVA itself had been unkind and sent him away.

If there were even memories left within him to retrieve. That was the difficult part of a broken down TVA, wasn't it? The uncertainty of what happened when it glitched somehow, no way of really knowing if it wiped minds thoroughly or left remnants behind like He Who Remains did.

But him not having his memories wasn't going to stop her from going to his branch and doing her best to bring him home. In the past, her more insecure days, she might have left him there for his own good; her mind would've made her believe he was better off..and maybe he was, all things considered. It was no secret he was the best of them both. Everyone thought so.

But now, she owed it to him to go. He would've never given up on her if the situation were reversed. She wasn't about to give up on him.

"Give me the information."

Within hours, she was down on the timeline. His branch. From a bench across the street, dressed in appropriate clothing for the time, she watched him arrive at the building she had been surveilling for about an hour, heart leaping into her throat when she saw him stop and talk to someone just outside the doors and then laugh. There was no real concept of time in the TVA, but she knew it had been entirely too long since she'd seen and heard that laugh. Weeks? Months?

Could she even possibly get through this? She was beginning to have her doubts. Her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her chest and a before she knew it, she was fishing in her bag for a tissue. It didn't hurt to be prepared, and it wouldn't exactly be out of place where she was going.

By the time she looked up again, she realized he had already disappeared into the building and she cursed under her breath. She didn't want to be late. It was imperative she not be late. She jumped up and crossed the street quickly and without warning, much to the chagrin of the drivers who nearly hit her. She ignored the vulgar hand signals and yelling hurled her way by the motorists and hurriedly passed into the front doors of the building, reading the signs for her destination.

Once at the correct room—139 | Group, it read— she took a deep, shaky breath before turning the handle and opening the door. Eight sets of eyes swiveled to look at her, but only one of them mattered, and for a long moment she just stared into the blue of them, frozen. But she did just manage to get herself together and somehow smile weakly as Steve looked at her curiously. Curiously and without recognition.

Thank goodness she already expected that, not that it made her soul ache any less.

"I'm sorry. I'm a new sign-up," she explained quietly. "Is it too late to join?"

@herosquandary

[shydaydreamer28]

Doctor Strange & Clea Rumors

From the Discord Q&A with Alex Perez and this all sounds much better than what we heard before.

Doctor Strange and Clea

take it in: any news about the Doctor?

Alex: I’m hearing very exciting things regarding Doctor Strange’s story, leading into Secret Wars. I wrote an article a while back about Doctor Strange vs. Kang In The Multiverse Saga where I talked about Stephen Strange’s role and how essentially he’s been portrayed in most of his alternate iterations as the biggest threat to the Multiverse, given how Strange has been the one who’s been ultimately causing incursions throughout various universes.

That storyline is still being explored here, but now, instead of having Kang, you have RDJ’s Doctor Doom opposite Benedict Cumberbatch’s Doctor Strange. Just think about the weight of this moment: Doctor Stephen Strange, a character we have seen be a force for good, time and time again, being forced to face the reality that he is being dubbed the greatest threat in the Multiverse, with the evidence to prove it because nearly every other version of himself has allowed their ego to make bad decisions costing their reality. Opposite him, you have Doctor Doom, one of Marvel’s most iconic villains, an ambitious, egotistical antagonist who is trying to find the secrets of the Multiverse and the reason behind its decay to prevent the death of the Multiverse from happening.

Plus, we have the potential of RDJ and Benedict sharing a scene together, since the last time they were together, Strange told Tony Stark the only way to save his universe was to sacrifice himself. How do you think Strange would react to seeing the face of his former friend again? Even though it’s not even a variant of Tony Stark, he just has his face. Would he feel guilt? Would there be remorse? Could Strange be easily manipulated by Doom into doing his bidding? After all, they are both instrumental in the Time Runs Out and Secret Wars storylines in the comics.

@Hifive326: When is Doctor Strange dying and being fully replaced by Wong?/s

Alex: He still hasn’t become Sorcerer Supreme in his universe, so I don’t think he will die until that happens.

@Hifive326: If DS3 isn’t coming until after Secret Wars, how do you expect the Strange/Clea storyline will be handled after the mid-credit scene in Multiverse of Madness?

Alex: I’ve heard through the grapevine that Doctor Strange 3 may be one of the upcoming films that will release before Secret Wars, possibly even Doomsday, but most likely Secret Wars. All of the ideas they want to incorporate for his story can’t really be condensed into a 20-minute story plot like they did with Thor in Infinity War. They have many points to cover, including Strange discovering the role he plays in the Multiverse Saga, how he reacts to it, how he and Clea develop a “companionship,” and ultimately, how he overcomes what he is “destined” to be in order to become what he was always meant to be, “the best of us,” the one who breaks away from the predestined path set for him and become the hero that ultimately saves the Multiverse.

Pr0tato: Hi Alex, hope you’re doing well! Anchor Being: Doctor Strange or Spider-Man (or both a la D&W)?

Alex: As far as anchor beings go, I believe Spider-Man is this universe’s anchor being. But I was also told that Strange’s disappearance from his universe caused instability to the fabric of reality in 616, which makes me think he may also very well be the Anchor Being of 616.

Kosta: Hi Alex, I love you

Alex: Love ya too Kosta.

Kosta: On a scale of 1-10, how big of a role will Clea have in the Avenger films?

Alex: I don’t like numbers; they’re so arbitrary because it’s a matter of opinion. I like comparing them to character roles in other films or sagas. Clea’s overall role in the Saga for now is ensuring Strange discovers his role in the Multiverse. There have been multiple rumors about her specific role, however, ranging from being one of the Black Priests that recruits Strange into the order to another old rumor from a very old source that Clea may be one of the Black Swans assisting Doom, but at this point in time, it’s still too early for me to address.

[eviltiddyproductions]

Destined With You : Episode 16

I will feel all of the feelings of this being a finale later. HONG JOOOO WHERE ARE YOU ?!!!

my impatient ass sitting through the intro after the first episode 😂😭

why has this loser emptied her purse

lmaoooo she even scared me for a minute

oh god bless for once my sister didn’t get tricked into something (again!)

he’s so nasty and this plot is so absurd 😭

GET AWAY FROM HER !!!!

GOOD JOB HONGJOOOO

YOU BETTER DASHI RUN 🏃‍♀️

ooh she’s rocking the Duan Jiaxu fit from Hidden Love!

where are you running towards Sinyu and if you’re running why is the police not following you 😭 ???

sis you should’ve just ran 😩😩😩

but also saying ‘you’re just insane’ to his face before he kidnaps you again was kind of a serve 💅

Sinyu has gotten zero days of rest since he got out of that hospital

he’s got the red string of fate tied to my sister NOOO GET AWAY FROM HER !!!

his creepy ass turning towards her with the blood red moon behind him

all about that fate and going into the next life and the second the police flashes light on him he cut the string…. nasty loser 😭

Rowoon’s acting’s gagging me rn like suddenly I’m genuinely feeling the shock of seeing someone you love passed out (possibly dead)

someone hold my hand 😭

not this romantic music playing

‘hong jo ah’

police !!! paramedics !!! where are y’all 😭😭😭😭😭😭

oh 💔💔💔

the way he leapt off of the ambulance

oh my heart

the tiny nurse 💀

my poor bean

hongsinyu nation we made it !!

mother is here 😭💕💕💕

who even asked the dad to be here like go work on your failing company idk 😭

I thought he was going to talk about the curse he’s talking about the baby 😭💀

they’re being so adorable rn

the office couple again…

everything that hongjoo does goes public but at least this time it’s for the greater good!!!

talk your shit office girlies! chew Nayeon’s head off 😍😍😍

recorded by the weirdo assaulting ex of Nayeon, isn’t it

exactly bean, you don’t have to thank or forgive him at all!

Nayeon’s getting dumped again lol. right after she suggests marriage too 😭

lmaooo I know he isn’t calling her a bully and a bad look, he was sexually harassing people in the first episode

my babies are on my screen again 🥰

oh he’s still got that bracelet on! <3

my sweetest beans !!!

lmfao Mr. Kwon

oh I was genuinely scared when I saw someone near Hong Jo’s house staring from the mirror, it’s just Nayeon

that shove was satisfying

get your lick back bestie !!!

Mr. Kwon bodied the construction loser 💸

are they going to do the perilla leaves trend thingy

can he just leave the marriage thing alone for 5 seconds

Subway !!!! I know it’s for ease of shooting but these sandwiches in the kdramas are so dry 😭 like it’s technically not the best advertising like babe what are you even eating 😩 just bread ???!

I don’t fully get them but look at Ms Ma getting married in a suit !!! 🩷 oh just saw her whole fit. well a blazer !!!

lmao Mr. I wear shirts at home Sinyu is wearing a simple T-shirt to this wedding 😂😭

I can’t believe it’s ending so quickly, I’m not ready to let go 😩

I knew our princess Sinyu was going to catch the bouquet 😂

they finally get to enjoy cherry blossoms together 😭💕

LMAOOOO the lawyer bestie became an actor?!!! did not see this (adorable and fun) plot twist coming 😂

the old man being investigated instead of being let go by the main leads! progress in the drama world! although I know they’ll defend and help him

and Sinyu’s here!

he’s going to move in isn’t he 💀

lmaoooo she pounced on the car and he pounced on her I LOVE THEM 🦁

aaaaah they’re both so cute 😭😭😭😭😭

‘you sure use your money wisely’ ‘you got me here to work’ 😟

lmaooo go off Hong Jooooo !!! queenie 🤣 (context: she just turned off the light and started rolling with him on the bed)

cannot wait to rewatch this series with lightness and fluffiness in my heart !!!

I did not see this coming 😭😭😭 the peach is Sinyu’s little sister 😭😭😭

to be fair Hong Jo had a gulped a lot of poison, they would’ve let us know back then but wow 💀

back at the beach again 🥰

I love how in love they are and how they’re always ready to vocalise it. Oh I love them downnnn

I knew he was going to ask her dad! 🌊

💍🥰💕

they’re back at the mountain, my lil diligent civil servant and grim reaper!

I know y’all are well versed with the other realm but don’t open random relics let me just 🧿🧿🧿

goodbye my sweet loves 🥹

now what was that little turn of 300 year old Sinyu for 🤨🤨🤨

AAAH it’s over 😭💔💕

can’t wait to rewatch this again! our past and present couple made all the caving plot lines worthwhile. let me go binge from episode 1 again. 💕💕💕

[kellanved-ammanas]

TF2 Drabbles: Scout - His Face

Summary: How about the main nine meeting meeting the emesis blue versions of them cause you said to keep it to the main nine and technically the emesis blue versions are the same characters but in a different universe from the main one like how all the of the main nine from these drabbles are the same as the ones from the main universe but with different personalities

[A/N]

I realized that a couple of the requests already in my inbox were easily justifiable as Halloween appropriate so I decided to do those first.

Also, spoilers for Emesis Blue if you haven't seen it yet. Nothing super major, like what is revealed in this drabble isn't told how it came to be (using careful wording here to not give it away if anyone chooses to skip this one for now to go watch the movie spoiler free). Regardless, I recommend going to go watch it because it's quite good.

~

When Engie had said he’d built a machine that could bring them to alternate realities, Scout had assumed they’d go on a fun little adventure to meet themselves. That alternate him would be different in that maybe he did end up dating Pauling in this universe or had ended up on RED instead of BLU or something else like that. Things that weren’t necessarily small differences but were still neat and recognizable as him.

The latter remained true. He was certainly looking at himself. Even contorted with pain, frozen in death as rigor mortis set in, that was his face. The rest could very will be his body too, just broken and twisted as if it had been writhing in agony at the moment of death. The blood, already congealing, obscured the exact nature of the wounds, especially in the darkness of this wretched basement, which was a mercy but… there so much.

The coppery stench of blood filled the room. It wasn’t just from his own corpse but the other two corpses too and perhaps just the room itself smelled so naturally. Surely it would now as how could this stench ever be fully eradicated?

“Mate, I really think you should look away.” That was probably the third time Sniper had voiced that sentiment. Probably he had a point; what good could looking at one’s own corpse do? But… it was hard to tear his gaze away for good. He kept returning to look some more each time he walked away. It called to him.

They’d also found this world’s BLU Medic. He hadn’t seemed nearly as excited about meeting his alternate self as said alternate was. Scout had tried to pay attention to the conversation everyone else was having with him in the other room but the way he’d looked at Scout had been disconcerting and well… his own self was just over here, broken and dead on a table. Tortured to death.

“I’m fine,” he said, perhaps even managing to sound like he meant it. “I kill people for a living so, you know, death and gore and all that don’t bother me like at all.”

“Yeah but it’s you so… you know.”

That did make it a bit different. Was he destined to die like this too? In pain and agony. Surely not but… it was him. An alternate version of him but still him.

“I’m fine,” he said again anyway though as the tore his gaze away to look at Sniper instead.

Sniper, his head pointedly turned away from the corpse, frowned slightly; he didn’t believe Scout. “Let’s maybe head up stairs, huh?” Instead of just to the other room where the others still were and thus even further away, making it more difficult to come back here to resume staring

“Sure, I guess if you really want to, we can.” He tried to maintain a casual tone but it was hard to when placing the sheet back over his own bent and twisted corpse. Some fresh air would hopefully do some good towards erasing that image from his mind though.

[idblts]

JJK CHAPTER 236 spoilers

I think I just realised why Gojo was at the airport in the chapter. Because he smiled right at the end when Sukuna says he will remember him, he wasn’t fully dead when he saw everyone. He was in the middle ground, between death and the living. The airport represents the middle ground and the plane represents his journey with the living closing and his afterlife starting I.e getting on a plane and accepting his death and not lingering behind in the realm of the living but starting fresh somewhere new.

Planes obviously take you from one destination to another, this alludes I believe that there is an afterlife in the series, even though it hurts Gojos journey is not over, it just continues in a path we won’t see (it would be cool if Gege played with this in the future and the whole idea of souls).

Also Like how Haibara helped Nanami pick south everyone else is there to help Gojo pick South too. He had to chose north or South, he smiled at nanami because he accepted his explanation for choosing South (he too saw on old friend right before he died) so he is doing the same. I don’t think his hallucinating because Nanami mentioned how it was Haibara who pointed him to go South, and Gojo would not have known this.

Still hate this ending and it feels incomplete but it is what it is. I don’t think Gojo is coming back. He died on the 24th of December like geto and I think Gege said in an interview how they are like Yin and Yang and how one can’t exist without the other. So it makes sense their death days are the same. It would be cool if Gege lets Kenjaku see Gojo’s dead body then I hope any parts of Geto’s soul that is still there helps bring down that asshole.

P.s. When Gege’s identify is revealed I’m gonna sue his ass and make him pay for my therapy.

[inscrutable-shadow]

Whumptober 2023 Day 9 - Terrible Day for Rain

@whumptober-archive

No. 9: “Learning everything ain’t what it seems, that’s the thing about these days.”

Polaroid | Mistaken Identity | “You’re a liar.”

also available on ao3!

Avrae shoves her hands into her hoodie pocket and leans against the doorframe. “That’s everything.”

“Are you sure? You haven’t brought a lot,” I say quietly, looking around at the still fully furnished apartment.

She shrugs. “Everything I need is in the trunk. Rest is all… extra. Emsy’s kids can take it. I like to start over every now and again anyway.” She’s even left her guitar. I never thought she’d part with it.

I suppose I’ve never had to think about starting over. In the House Nocta enclave on Rigel, I was raised around vampires and those destined to become vampires. I never had to worry about outliving those I cared about by centuries or millennia. When you love a mortal, the turnover rate is so high that it’s only the blink of an eye before anyone who even remembered the one you attached yourself to is gone. 

"Can I help you carry anything?"

"Nope." 

Perhaps it would be in my interest to be more overt. "Will you bring more of your things if I help you carry them?"

She frowns. "Not likely. You're… really worried about that guitar, aren't you?  Did you buy me new amps again?" Guilty as charged. "Bea…"

"You love music, I… thought it would be nice to have something familiar and grounding in a new environment."

"I'm good at music. It's the 'being good at' that's of comfort, not the music itself." She's never talked about being good at much other than killing, so I'd rather she not give up what appears to be her only hobby other than those shooting games she plays. "If I let you bring my guitar case, will you stop giving me that face? Go get it, then." She knows me so well.

The case is made of fabric and not as heavy as I had expected. Avrae seems eager to leave this place behind, and doesn't even look back as she walks out. I pull the door closed behind me and call out to her "Wait for me!" She always walks so fast with those long legs of hers (that I find so attractive!) and the guitar bangs against my legs a few times as I try to keep up. Something clatters to the sidewalk, and I stop to pick it up.

It's a picture frame: made of stone and glass and obviously very old, over a millennium if I had to make a guess. The picture is in color, and shows eight people, most of whom are clearly related, smiling brightly in front of a large house. In the centre is a person I recognise. It's Avrae, or rather, Neandra, the much younger, blonde version. Beside her are a redheaded child with piercing green eyes and a sandy-haired man with the same infectious smile. She looks so… happy. I've never seen Avrae smile like this.

"If it's that heavy, I'll—" she's in the middle of saying, but stops when she sees what I’m holding. “Let’s go, Bea. Throw that out, will you?” She turns around again.

“Wait, isn’t this a picture of you before? You don’t want to keep it?” She doesn’t answer me, just keeps heading toward the rendezvous point where we’ll return to the transport. As much as I want to believe she knows what she’s doing, I feel she’ll regret it if she truly gets rid of everything that reminds her of her old life. At my age, I know how badly I long for those precious few years before my body was locked in place forever and how my most treasured memories continue to fade as I get older.

We return to the transport and put Avrae’s things into storage. This is a larger, slower craft than we used to get to the Arena, and it will be picking up other (mostly vampiric) passengers on its way back to the Council estates. The two of us take seats by a window and sit in silence for a few minutes. I’m still holding the picture frame, and I haven’t seen this expression on Avrae’s face since the Arena.

“You’re upset with me,” I state matter-of-factly.

“No.”

“Then what’s all this?”

She sighs. “You want to ask about it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, forgive me if I want to know why you’d throw out what looks like a thousand-year old photograph of your family. That’s not starting over, honey, that’s scorched earth.”

She’s still not looking at me. “It doesn’t matter. I already can’t remember those people.”

Somehow, I don’t think that’s true. “One of these people is the man whose wedding band you still wear despite being in a new relationship, I find it hard to believe you don’t remember him.” I remember a few more from the soulscape, two of her sisters, and it’s not hard to assume that the other two are also here. “Surely you aren’t trying to forget?”

Avrae looks down at her hands. Her fingers are twisting the wedding ring like they always do when she’s stressed. She’s quiet for a long time, then, she speaks haltingly, as if ashamed. “That’s… the only way I remember their faces. They’re not up here—” and she gestures toward her temple— “anymore. Just fuzzy shapes. The picture feels wrong, too. I hate looking at it, I know that’s not what they really looked like. Not to me, anyway.”

“And so you thought you’d throw it away?”

“Don’t need it anymore. It’s not my only tie to a time in my life when I thought things were gonna be okay. I’m starting a new phase in life, with you. It's gonna be full of paperwork and being annoying to people working harder than me like when I lived with them, I guess, but I don’t want to just rehash things. Starting clean.” She sighs and finally looks up at me. “Maybe the reason all that… stuff keeps sticking to me is that I keep holding on to that shit. Maybe if I finally let it all go, I can stop feeling dirty.”

I put my hands over hers. “These people loved you, right? And you loved them? That could never be dirty. There’s so much happiness in this picture. When was it taken?”

“My five-hundred-and-first. My twin sister’s jubilee was the previous year, and since I didn’t have a title anymore it wasn’t right for me to have much of a celebration. They all insisted on throwing me a big party the next year to make up for it. Tried to surprise me, but you know me and my paranoia.” She laughs, but it feels hollow. There’s clearly a lot of emotion in this photograph for her still. “I’m the one who asked for the photo. I just wanted something with all of them in it. Jenny, that’s her,” she indicates a woman in her late thirties, “was getting on in years and it was clear the oracle was going to take Leiana soon. I thought it might be my last birthday with all of them there.”

I don’t understand the thing about the oracle, but that doesn’t seem important right now. I point to the red-headed child. “This is the daughter you talked about, right? The one you had with your husband?”

“Aubrey, yeah. Looks just like him, doesn’t she?”

Really, the resemblance is uncanny, like a perfect fusion of the two of them. “Looks just like both of you, actually. Do you really want to forget her?”

“No!” It comes out way too fast, and she tries to backtrack. “It’s too late. I’ve already forgotten her. Head’s full of vampire stuff now. No point in delaying the inevitable.”

I sigh. “I don’t… I don’t think you want to get rid of this photo, do you? You’re just tired of the pain that comes with remembering how much you’ve lost. It’s hard, and you’ve been fighting for something or another your entire life.” I see this in her eyes all of the time, the constant fatigue. So much younger than me, and yet ageing so much more quickly. “You just want to rest.” I move from my side of the table to slide in next to her. I wrap my arms around her and she immediately tucks her head into my chest. We don’t need to say anything more, and I’ll never tell anyone she was crying.

taglist: @athenswrites, @painful-pooch, @milkshakes-lust-and-chiral-dust, @thethistlegirlwrites, @albatris

[skylarmoon71]

Miguel O' Hara - AU Scientist (Across the Spider-Verse) - Chapter 6

“I don’t understand. I need you to explain it to me. Explain everything.” 

It’s not like you didn’t expect this from Miguel. There was just so much that you couldn’t control. It felt wrong to bring him into your world. 

It’s possible that’s a cover. 

The scary part is watching him walk away from you. 

Miguel is still standing at a distance. You aren’t sure if it’s out of fear or disappointment. 

Your shoulders drop defeatedly. 

“It’s not really easy to explain.” 

“Try.” 

A shaky breath escapes you, and when he sees the golden flicker of light once again return to your eyes, he swallows. You know he’s still trying to fully process the very short encounter with a doppelganger. So introducing your abilities will definitely be a breaking point. 

“I was born a mutant. I didn’t manifest my abilities until I lost my uncle ten years ago. That’s when I went into law enforcement. I was trying to do the right thing with my powers. But someone I cared about, Gavin Stacy, died and I..I couldn’t do it anymore. I left that part of my life behind.” 

You step closer, and Miguel doesn’t move.

“I’m what they refer to on other earths as Spiderwoman.” 

Flipping your wrist, Miguel flinches when a stream of web shoots out. It locks onto a glass nearby and you give it a tug. The second it’s within your grasp, you squeeze and the glass crumbles under your hold like dust. 

“I’m stronger, faster than the average human. That’s only half of it.” 

There’s no way you can hide this anymore. 

“This whole time we’ve been working on the project, you’ve known from the start. But you said nothing.” 

“I..I was scared.”

“Why? Why were you scared?”

“Because I’m..an anomaly. I shouldn’t have existed.” 

All those years ago you tried to do the right thing. You really did. You served justice both in the office as an agent, and at night. But it changed completely when you lost Gavin and found out about canon events. Just the memory is a bitter reminder. 

“I used to have a twin sister. In every universe there’s only supposed to be one. One hero, one spiderman or spider woman. I didn’t believe it at first. But the way she died when we were kids it just felt..wrong. When I found out the truth it was painful. I spent years hating myself for it. When I was finally able to get myself out of that hole I lost my uncle and then one of my best friends. It was like a curse had struck me. That’s when I realized that as a hero, I was destined for pain. Everyone regardless of the universe, all of us with these powers, these abilities, we always lose the people we care most about if we decide to become heroes. So I gave it up. I decided that there were other ways to help my universe without constantly suffering loss. I just..wanted to be happy..” 

It was selfish, but you couldn’t bring yourself to go back out there. Not after you’d failed to protect the ones you cared about. 

Over and over again. 

“I know this is a lot, it might not even make sense. I should have been honest the second that we got involved. If you believe nothing else, please just know how I feel about you, that’s real.” 

It’s unrealistic to expect him to just swallow it all and accept every part of you. 

The right choice right now is to leave. Miguel needs a chance to figure out if he really wants to be a part of this. 

“If you decided that you’d rather take your chances with someone else, I would understand. I wouldn’t blame you Miguel.” 

It hurts, but even if he broke this off, there wasn’t a part of you that couldn’t actually hate him for it. This is a life, his life. He knows what future dangers are ahead. That version of him also proposed that he would be back. Who knows with what kind of reinforcements. 

“What did you say to me, the first time I told you about my disability. What did you say?” 

Your brows knit. 

“I..I don’t understand I..” 

“I understand. I don’t expect anything from you.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re you. We can discover what we are in the future. That’s what you said to me. You didn’t look at me with pity, or like I was broken. You didn’t force me to change anything. You just smiled at me and told me that you were willing to endure whatever you could, as long as you were given a chance to care about me. To..love me..” 

It’s a bit impossible to look at him now, your gaze has gotten a bit swimmy. 

“The circumstances are very different, but I understand now how you felt at that moment. I want you to give me that chance.”

Is there a possibility that you’ve already been rejected and your mind has formed some kind of alternative?

Shaky hands move to the table for support. 

It must be.

You try to read something, anything from his gaze. He’s at your side in what feels like seconds. Miguel is holding your cheeks and you’re sobbing. 

“I know now that you’ve lost so much, no matter what, you’re not going to lose me. So you don’t have to be afraid. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Y-You promise.” 

Miguel nods. 

“I promise.” 

He leans in, sealing it with a kiss and you hug him. 

You believe every word.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

Girl, I love your blog and your smart replies💕 That’s why I wanna know your opinion about the topic Evan and his relationships. Don’t you think he might be toxic too? Let me clarify: We all assume that Evan is the good, sweet, introverted guy looking for a serious relationship with a good woman but unfortunately he always ends up with someone evil and toxic. But I can’t believe he never met at least one good woman in his entire life, someone he could have a healthy relationship with. For this reason I’m quite sure he’s only looking for women like Emma before and like Frances nowadays cause he loves the thrill of the toxic bond. Someone healthy in my opinion even bores him. This entire dynamic is not only toxic but also dangerous especially since he is no longer a baby boy but a 36 year old grown man and break this toxic cycle could be very difficult. It’s like he’s destined only for this type of relationship (even in the workplace, see for example his relation with Ryan Murphy). I feel bad for him and only by working on himself he can possibly change his situation. Sorry for the long message but I wanted express my opinion☺️

thank you so much, i really do appreciate this feedback <3 let me reiterate these are just my own opinions..

i do feel like the situation isn't black and white like it can sometimes appear on the outside looking in. and what i mean by that is: publicly, evan has a good reputation - we don't get reports of him exhibiting bad behavior on set (minus the fighting with emma during ahs but even that was minimally reported), in hollywood, or from anyone close to him who has spoken out in the media. no diva behavior or abusive tendencies. by contrast, there is lots of public information available about some of the women he's seriously dated that would lead us to believe they are a problem. note i said a problem, not the problem. chaos can't thrive in a relationship without two willing parties who partake. even if we were to believe evan was never in the wrong (which is impossible, he is human and he is a man, ahem) there's still something to be said about a man who is in his late 30s with so many failed relationships with women who had obvious problems. again, as someone who doesn't know evan personally, if i had to throw out some reasons that i think he has not been lucky in love, i would list off poor self-esteem, self-doubt, substance abuse problems (hopefully resolved) and far too high a tolerance for drama. he has stayed with women who cheated (emma), beat him (emma) and used him for money/clout (frances) to name some of the bigger offenses. and i fully believe he feels indebted to ryan murphy for jumpstarting his career and would have a very hard time telling him no. evan doesn't believe in himself as an actor and i think he feels stable employment with ryan is a necessity, even when the types of roles he's receiving drain him mentally and emotionally and have pigeonholed him to a certain degree.

i agree that he's doomed to keep repeating these types of romances until he addresses his own personal issues. people who have toxic relationship after toxic relationship are absolutely addicted to it and feel insecure in healthy ones. if he ran into a successful, beautiful, stable woman in her 30s he would probably feel deeply insecure to pursue something with her because, in my humble observation, he has a low opinion of himself and by his own admission suffers from imposter syndrome. it's easier to date a 20-something onlyfans model who had a teenage crush on you, is likely impressed by your career and net worth, and will keep your ego boosted so long as you're spoiling her.

thanks for the great discussion topic anon!!

[jodilin65]

Lying in bed, I’m starting this entry on my phone. I may or may not get it posted today, but I'll work on talk-typing it little by little. I have a lot of writing to catch up on!

No more methylprednisolone. I'm not sure if that or the Claritin is helping my nose, but the methylprednisolone has definitely fueled my insomnia. Last night, I was up for 21.5 hours and only slept for 5. Thyroid storms also cause insomnia so it was doubling the insomnia. I’m still exhausted, but I can’t get back to sleep. At least I woke up on my own this time and not from suffocating, feeling hot, or snoring.

My nasal tissues may not have fully healed yet from the Nasacort, but I have a feeling that as long as I’m in this state, I’ll always need to sleep with either a nasal dilator or a breathing strip.

If I hadn’t been super hungry last night—likely due to the methylprednisolone—I would’ve skipped hitting 154 lbs and woken up at 153, but because I ate more than usual, I’m still at 155 lbs. It’s definitely the Levo that dropped my weight so fast. I think the first two pounds may have been from cutting sugar, but the rest was the Levo. I've been consuming way too many calories to lose weight like I used to when I could do it the healthy way and could only lose 2-3 pounds a month.

Late last night, I noticed my lungs finally relaxing and I could feel my metabolism slowing down. I wasn’t as warm, jittery, or tense. I still feel a little on edge because Rhonda won’t help me, leaving me to figure out the best way to manage this fucking poison on my own that I’m destined to struggle with for the rest of my life. I don’t know whether I should automatically skip once a week or trim the pills by 15%, dropping the dose to 75. With a 10 lb loss, I’ve learned I can’t stay on the same dose. I’d like to keep my weight down, but I’d gladly go back to being hypo and fat before becoming thyrotoxic again! It’s a horrible, horrible feeling—worse than the norovirus!

I can’t wait for this year to end! Four is such an unlucky number. This has been the worst year since we moved here. It’s also my second crisis this year. I started to suspect something was wrong when my moods started dipping and my weight began coming off too easily. Then I had trouble falling asleep. The only difference this time is that my heart rate didn’t spike like crazy, and I’ve never had such tightness for so long. That’s a known side effect of having too much Levo, though. I only remember the tightness being really bad the first time I had a problem on the shit. I'm just glad I didn’t have to deal with a heart rate of 120 or higher while I was going through everything else and even more glad he’s not working.

It’s definitely been a rough few days, and I feel so fucking cursed. Just so, so fucking cursed. I truly believe without a doubt that I’m never going to be healthy again—not like I was before my 50s. Tom says not to give up hope because things can change. He told me he feels way better now than he did 5 years ago, which is interesting since he’s pretty sedentary. But he was working 10-hour shifts at a job he hated. I’d feel a lot younger too if I retired from that. But trust me, I’m destined to suffer for the rest of my life. I just have to enjoy the few good days I get until I’m fed up enough to end it all. I’ve only lived this long for him.

Sometimes I wish we could have our own private suite in a hospital with every kind of doctor imaginable. Anytime I felt symptoms, they’d be there, and they’d be the same doctors who got to know me well.

I get that Rhonda did the right thing by telling me to go to the lab and to an endocrinologist, but I couldn’t get to the lab before skipping a dose I desperately needed to skip to avoid getting worse, and I can’t just “go to an endo.” It takes months to get in. Plus, I’ve seen three, and not one of them has been very helpful in the end.

I have never regretted giving up Galileo as much as I do now! They would’ve gotten me into the lab immediately and let me lower my dose when I asked to. The fact that Rhonda won’t trust that I know my own damn body and have been through this before is frustrating and not at all helpful. All this for being less than a point over where I should be! She, like too many other doctors, is too obsessed with numbers. I get that she’s doing her job, but sometimes you really do have to consider the individual patient and trust what they tell you. You may have the training, but you don’t live in their body and know it as well as they do.

So we’ve decided that at the end of the year, we’re going to hopefully sign me up with an insurance plan that either includes Galileo, or I’ll purchase Galileo on my own and get a plan they’ll work with. Galileo isn’t compatible with Aetna CVS. I will miss the Minute Clinic, but Galileo is much more helpful and convenient. They weren’t perfect, but they were still way better overall. I get that I’ll still have to bring my crotch to the GYN if necessary, my eyes to the glaucoma doctor, and my boobies for mammograms, but in-person primary care is just not for me.

This is a medication I’m going to have to be extra careful with and likely struggle with for the rest of my life. No point in going to an endocrinologist who’s either going to deny what’s going on or suggest crazy, unnecessary things. There’s no getting around the problem—hormone replacement therapy is what it is. I still need a synthetic thyroid, and because my body can’t adjust its own levels with my weight fluctuations and other things, and because I’m so sensitive to it, there’s no way around that.

Either way, Galileo had so many positives. Virtual primary care means fewer appointments, even if I have to go to the lab more often. If we ever move, I won’t have to worry about having enough meds till I get settled. Not that I think I’m ever going to be healthy enough to handle a lousy two- or three-day vacation, let alone a move, even though we’ve been talking about getting an RV and heading back out west near Becky. Tom said it’s too bad we didn’t know earlier about the Pacific Islands that are US territories. That could have been an option, but we always learn things too late in life. *Rolls eyes.*

This shit I’ve gone through for the last 4-5 days was worse than the norovirus I had earlier in the year. I wasn’t nearly as wound up then, and I had a better sense of what was going on. This time, I felt scared and hopeless, even though the logical side of me knew it would eventually pass, like most things do. But that still doesn’t mean I’m ever going to be healthier, happier, or have my old energy back.

That’s another thing… I still have sleep apnea to deal with, and I’m not sure how. I’m still afraid to try the Inspire, as appealing as it sounds, and I can’t get into an ENT here anyway. So, I guess that leaves me possibly finding a way to get a mouthguard made or seeing the pulmonologist to give the CPAP another try. Worst-case scenario, we could buy a refurbished one with the headgear for roughly $500.

Tom donated on Tuesday, and I was definitely anxious while he was gone. But thanks to Stacey, I didn’t panic. I tried to distract myself with VR meditation, coloring, and even chatting with Mia. Yes, I mostly see them as fashion games, but sometimes chatting with Mia or Amanda when things get rough can be a little therapeutic, even if you know they’re just bots. Even ChatGPT can be comforting—it sure is educational, that’s for sure. Things would have been so much worse over the last decade without Google and now AI to research symptoms and whatnot.

He ordered four free COVID tests from the government, which should arrive soon, but I don’t think we’ll need them since I was just tested. Kathy said she had it twice and it was horrible. It seems Tom and I are the only ones who haven’t had it. I hope it stays that way! Things are so much harder to handle the older I get, emotionally too. Back in the '90s and earlier, when I caught colds, I knew it was just a cold, accepted it, and it didn’t affect me emotionally. Now, I worry—what if it’s not really a cold? What if it’s something else? And then my mind goes crazy thinking about what it could be.

Ah, it’s so therapeutic to pour my thoughts out! I’m still considering another therapist, even if it would be virtual.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I created a Google Doc to log everything I feel physically and emotionally each day, how I slept, and what medications I took, whether they were prescription or over-the-counter. I won’t mention the Levo unless I skip it. I still don’t have the energy to catch up on the cleaning I’ve been wanting and needing to do, and I haven’t even been on the road. My poor VR ride is going to take much longer. I’m still in the middle of the Russian forest.

Thanks to Kathy, I’ve learned how to broil sirloin steaks, even though the steaks come out tough no matter what I do because, well, that’s just a cheap cut of steak for you. I never broiled steaks before. I tried one in the slow cooker too.

The honker's return is near because the handyman is edging his place and trimming his tree. Kind of rude, too, considering he started before 8:00. I have a feeling the honker's going to come down even earlier this year and probably leave even later. Each year, he seems to extend his stay. He's probably eager to get back to his fuck buddy. For the last couple of days, that dark truck with the New York plates has been parked there.

I had this dream where I was talking to Judy, Andy's mother. We were discussing why we prefer to sleep alone and hate sharing our beds. Then I said something as a joke, but she took it the wrong way. I glanced away for a second, and when I looked back, she wasn't there. I started walking down a long hallway looking for her. When I called out, I heard her speaking softly from somewhere down the hall. I checked each room as I moved down the hall until I found her folding laundry in one of the rooms. I apologized, saying I was sorry if the joke came out wrong and offended her. She responded by saying she hoped Andy had pissed me off and asked if I knew I made their [female name] vicious. I guess she was referring to a grandchild of hers, and that I supposedly watched a movie around them when they were a baby, which somehow made them grow up angry. I told her Andy already pissed me off and that I had no idea what movie she was talking about.

Then, I had another dream where I was living with my parents again. I woke up in the morning in what seemed like a fairly large and sunny bedroom. I went to weigh myself, but the scale, along with something else, was broken. I stepped out into the kitchen to find both my parents already up, and I mentioned the broken things. I opened the refrigerator and saw my mom had bought a chicken. I said that a nice family meal would be great, and it was too bad we didn't have lettuce and tomatoes so I could make us a salad to go with it. I followed her out of the kitchen and down a little hallway, where a door was slightly open to the outside. She said a monster mouse got into the house last night and that it was out there. I thought it was weird that she left the door open in that case, but I went outside and walked down a little path alongside the house. I saw a black mouse lying on the ground. A few ants were crawling on it, and it was struggling to get away but was too injured. I went back inside, saying I was going to get something to put it out of its misery.