#my life is SOOOO difficult--
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did y'all think i'd make @tmntaucompetition propaganda for the gemini that wasn't super extra...?
#theyre having a PHOTOSHOOT <3#i made this a WHILE ago and have been hanging onto it#and ive been watching the whole speakeasy thing blow up kinda like. damn and no one even knows the origins what a heavy burden i bear smh#my life is SOOOO difficult--#tmnt au competition#propaganda#rottmnt#rottmnt au#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt donatello#rottmnt disaster twins#rottmnt leo#rise donnie#rise donatello#rise disaster twins#rise leo#rottmnt fanart
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#haikyuu!!#hq!!edit#my gifs#my edit#SOOOO im on a new laptop aaaaa#ofc im posting gifs of my boy on my bday hehehe#i think i might want to experiment more with gifs in the future idk...#also screw u tumblr size limits!! always making my life so difficult smh#💚
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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles
#dragon age tag#i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below#weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type#it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me#if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year#almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol#tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3#and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me#but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me#sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points#witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too#which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3#my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free#Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...
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post about how many vocaloid voicebanks i have is circulating so i guess i have to start actually using them again. this one uses gumi kaito and technically miku but just as a clone of the gumi track for more dimension bc gumi sounds flat as fuck on her own lmao
#gumi remains both the only usable english voicebank i own and also incredibly difficult to tune. girl can you FIND THE NOTE PLEASEEE#shes honestly soooo hard to work with. why are we noticably sharp when the pb is like 2 degrees off the note. please#all that to say if shes off key it's not my fault. its because she doesnt WANT to be on key apparently#this was also another fucking battle with audacity because i can't mix to save my life. i still dont think it sounds good but WHATEVERRRR#theres only so much that reverb can do. im going to blame gumi#and my ai gumi is BROKEN BTW bc i originally wasnt even going to tune this and just let the AI do it but she WONT WORK ANYMOREEEEE#i hate vocaloid (<guy who is obsessed with vocaloid)#anyways.#vocaloid
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i walked back from the con today holding stuff in my tv head and could not stop laughing bc i looked like i got fired from the objecthead office and had to clear out my desk
#ignore me#they fired me from the objecthead office! i gotta wear a human head now! neck and everything!#ive never been so humiliated in my LIFE#it was soooo fun but difficult to navigate and i wanna take pictures of other ppl's suits soooo bad#i got complimented on my jumpsuit a lot!#a person from a panel i went to stopped me to say they have the same one and i was like too starstruck to say much back LOOOOOL#but they were so nice!!
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My friend is getting married this year and put my dumb ass in her wedding party and she's reminded me I should probably look for an outfit now, which is fine, the theme is kinda goth so I can work with that easy, but ohhhhh finding outfits that aren't incredibly feminine or boring as fuck is so hard.....
#im fine w being a bit feminine ofc thats not an issue!! i just can only find fuckin dresses/skirts or theyre too revealing#and its making my life soooo difficult#also ????????????? clothes are expensive jfc#im looking fr this one specific color button up/blouse thing and its either off shien/temu or itS HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS???#void thoughts
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for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.
ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.
i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.
sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.
content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.
Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.
I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.
Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.
Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.
That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.
And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.
Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.
💜💜💜💜
#asks#self harm tw#antipsych#psych abolition#harm reduction#harm reduction is so important to me. didn't go on this in the main post bc it's a tangent but just like#the co-optation of harm reduction by the gov and nonprofits makes me so fucking annoyed.#i learned harm reduction from other sex workers and drug users bc it was what were doing to survive. to me harm reduction needs to be based#in radical autonomy and liberation and with the understanding that it's totally fine and neutral and okay if ppl never stop#also my own relationship to self harm is not one where stopping it completely is a priority. there's a few forms of self harm i want to sto#bc it's really hard to accurately judge the risks of that self harm. and also because it was really difficult for my loved ones to watch an#i care about that. but i feel totally okay with the thought that cutting may or may not be a part of my future. and that i will find#love joy meaning. all of that. regardless. and that there are times im grateful for how self harm helped me survive#as much as there are times i hate it and times that self harm were so incredibly destructive to other parts of my life. it is soooo complex#for me! and i cannot just label it the way psychs want me to#anyway. lots of love anon.
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exorcist time >:]]
In this au, the natori clan is the most powerful clan at the time and Shuuichi is the revered (by some) clan head while the matoba clan is suffering and dying out.
Seiji’s older sister is still with the clan and is the current head.
#these two were soooo hardddd to figure out#natsuyuu#natsume yuujinchou#natsume's book of friends#my art#natori shuuichi#matoba seiji#horrible exorcists#cuz why not#sasago#urihime#hiiragi#character swap au#natsuyuu au#seiji was the most difficult bc i was gonna give him something to do outside of exorcism but i genuinely cannot#see him living a life outside of exorcism </3#Shuuichi is just worse ngl LMAO#i feel like he’d run a clan with like…his suave I GUESS???#it’s still a wip in my little noggin 🫡
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DEVASTATING. Local guy had suuuuuuuuuuuuch a STRONG VISION for a comic that is admittedly a jokey post but I am playing it straight and putting SO MUCH. INTO IT. But Now It's Gone.
#technically not 'gone' per se just. cannot for the fucking life of me get the paneling right here.#also cannot for the life of me get the illusts right. i have THE CONCEPT. and soooo much has gone into The Concept#but. it's just. really really difficult. to capture. and i don't even know what/which charas i'd ref here for this#like. throughout my other comic spoilers ig LMFAOO but i was heavily reffing/studying chilchuck and kabru#fascinating combo of charas. i know.#here... mani is such a specific ass being and so buried deep within itself like. it's already difficult to parse out#but also. the nature of it. to examine things that hurt me so badly. and why i was like that at the time.#taking. poison damage. badly.#I JUST WANTED TO HAVE FUN..... I HAD A BREAKTHROUGH AND IT WAS SO SILLY I JUST WANTED TO HAVE FUUUUUNNN....
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making gifs requires soooooo muuuuuuuch effooooort why do i do this
#i'm not even close to opening ps yet#there's soooo muuuuuuuch material to sift through it's stressing me out#this would probably go much faster if i didn't keep stopping to complain but. i seem to like making my life difficult#it's not even a complex set like. i just need to get it together#txt
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living with someone who has never learned to be a responsible mature person is so frustrating
#grymms spectacular fucking posts#my sister doesnt like. act like a 5 y/o but she still definitely feels like she hasn't emotionally matured since age 14#and it's so frustrating cus she's such an incredibly emotionally sensitive person who seems to take everything as an attack so i cant even#say anything to her about it without her getting upset at me without even listening#she's an incredibly miserable person who refuses to take initiative and just wallows in her misery or tries to superficially distract hersel#she sits on her ass playing videogames all day and acts like ehr life is soooo hard. and like yeah she does deal w difficult mental health#issues but she doesn't actually deal w them as in do anything about it#living with her is like walking on eggshells cus she gets so defensive over nothing#she needs to get over herself#like not everything is a personal attack and sometimes she actually does need to do stuff and take responsibility but she doesn't#she's 20 years old but makes me feel like i have a younger sibling cus i get stuck basically babysitting her everytime our parents arent#around
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why am i so overflowing w drawing ideas while im at work and then immediately when i sit at my desk my head is empty and im like. Guess ill pick up my ballpoint pen and do my billionth gesture drawing of a dog and feel irritated
#when im at work im like U should write that idea down. and im like Nooo ill remember it :3 and i never do#im soooo frustrated lately i feel like ive plateaued and theres smth i need to break through and i just Cant#also i hate colour#trying to do digital art w colour again and i hate it. complicated hard annoying difficult#monochrome is my love but shes BORING nobody likes it#also. kinda hate that over my life i sunk so much learning into realism#yeah its fun to draw a realistic style critter or face but its so SOULLESS#what do u mean my style is just mimicking reality and theres no flavour why did i do that#x
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#GOD. how do i even begin#this crush is TESTING ME. REALLY TESTING ME#i feel like this is gonna be a Lesson of some sort oml#he's the most difficult guy ive ever met. like not in a bad way but JFJJRJDKDKDKDKDK#GOD HE CHALLENGES ME. I JUST.......... HHHHHHHHH#i ... i wouldnt want it any other way tho NDJDJDJDJDJDKDM#hhhhh it is nice to know tho. that like we are friends n hes gonna be in my life#like god that is so WEIRD#out of everybody i met at school... never imagined id be this close to him. like closer to him than anyone else even. its soooo weird...#along for the ride tho i guess JFJDJJDJDJDJDJ#personal#hes so.... idek how to explain this. hes SO straightforward. but he can be sweet too??????? like not in an obvious way but like. idk !!!!!!!#everyone's always like... god hes such a nice guy#n im just like. ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME GUY??????#like ya hes nice. i wouldnt be friends with him otherwise but OH IS HE PRICKLY.#THATS THE WORD. PRICKLY. GOD. I NEVER KNOW WHAT HES GONNA SAY HHHHHHH#n e way. im seein my friends on the weekend n theyre gonna want details n im like how do i explain that simultaneously i like him and#that also i think he was created to piss me off. be my NEMESIS????????#hhhh simple romance goodbye i guess. it was never meant for me JDJFJJFJFJFJDJDJ
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🐕🧸🪟🕯️
#i've been thinking a lot lately abt taking a loan to finish my upper secondary/high school studies#i get financial aid atm#but it is soooo little money and the past few yrs with the 'inflation' etc#it just is pretty close to impossible to afford anything#it's also just miserable#i didnt wanna take loans for it bc just as everyone else im gnna need a loan to study at university#but like also...... we are killing this planet#i mean if we're optimistic the real issues where armageddeon starts might be in 2030#but since emissions r only increasing it's gnna be earlier prob#so in short: we are fucked and we're all gonna die soon#does it rlly matter then if i have loans????#loans WILL make my life now more bearable#and with the way our future is looking... whew. all we have is NOW nd maybe tmrw#so yeah im gonna take a loan to finish high school#but it's difficult bc i've been living like this for 5 years#i have no idea how it works to apply to courses and apply for a loan etc etc#it's so scary and lmao i have avpd!!!!!!#but im gonna do it#i WANNA do it#it's gonna be like x3 the amount of money i have now#so ughhhh want it so bad. rven if im gnna have to pay it off (if we dont all die in the apocalypse)#i dont care. i cant live like this anymore it is miserable
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I have been listening to This Song on repeat today.
I honestly can’t tell if the DCA would play this for someone or if someone would play it for the DCA but it just really makes me think of them.
In my feels today, boys (gender neutral)
#Im also in like so much pain#hey guys wouldnt it be funny if i just#SOBS VIOLENTLY#oh no! Anyway#dw bout me y’all. I’m just starting to get a little burnt out or something from anxiety and work#and paranoia and shit#augh#things are difficult these past few daya#doesn’t help that my mom constantly invalidates how i feel by pretty much just saying her life is soooo much harder#fuck her#fuck her for making me feel like this#like I shouldn’t express my fucking feeligns#sorry#im. so tired.#feelings are running amuck#I hate being afab everything is awful i am REMOVING my reproductive organs the second I can i swear#tw vent#just in case#its more of a#rant#than anything else#love y’all tho#y’all’re awesome#Spotify
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Everyone stop what you’re doing and look at Holly NOW
#ra speaks#personal#dog#holly#I miss her so much I can’t wait to go home TvT even if it will suck not to have my own place I will have Puppy#id in alt text#I would blaze this but I have no monies pls share her w the world she deserves love and attention her life is soooo difficult
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