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forbidding-souda · 3 years

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About Mod Souda

You guys should talk to me in the ask box more smh you guys are fun

Like just tell me about your day but I won’t guarantee that like 1000% I’ll respond but I’ll read them all.... efkjlwdbsc or or ask me questions or something idk I like talking

1500 followers face reveal when (shocked emoji) /srs

Anyways here’s some things about me because I never really introduced myself (since this is my account and why would I do an introduction)

THIS IS LITERALLY MY LIFE STORY GOODBYE BAHSBAH

-Mod Souda

Hi I am Mod Souda and I go by he/him ofc ofc I am a gay man.

Uhh I am an a native amercan mixed kid AND an Aquarius ugh I’m so unique right. I was raised by a raver and a metalhead skater in Vegas. I’ve been in the pit since I was 4 years old (specifically at a Primus concert LMAO).

The first fandom I was in was Creepypasta, and I was about 8 years old. It’s funny because the first musician I ever actively liked was Madame Macabre.

As a child (like 7-11) I mainly listened to Vocaloid, Madame Macabre, and Nicki Minaj.

When Avengers came out I was still in elementary school. And .. Loki... wrjhfbwejdhb bro!! gay awakening!! holy shit. I was in love with him but I didn’t want to admit it smh shhh.

The first anime I ever watched was Black Butler. I was IN LOVE with Joker from Book of Circus ehbwdjqshdfb. The last episode of that season ended the day I moved to California. I remember crying bc of the last scene inside of the moving truck.

I also got into Fairy Tail a lot. Also tragic. I had the hugest crush on Gajeel Redfox mmmmmemdwkgsnekfdjsglkvcx

I live in the Bay Area, and grew up in the same house, compared to living in Vegas where I moved every two years. There are ... so many poc here ... and in vegas I was in a class with all white people. Being around so many poc was so like ?? fun ?? idk how to describe it but it feels like how life should feel like; not stressful at all.

I started listening to goth music when I was 12 because I was in the Mr. Creepypasta amino and somebody was like “you guys should join the goth amino” and I was like oh that sounds so fun !!! Boom... goth Mod Souda arrived.

I was all about Sopor Aeternus and Switchblade Symphony.

I discovered my lifelong favorite artist in like 2016. It was because I was making playlist for my Fairy Tail oc (tragic) and I added this song I got off of a “Creepypasta Theme Songs” and it was Bernadette by IAMX (which was assigned to Laughing Jack). And I listened to the song and was like meh this is cool. Then one day I played the playlist and it just.... hit different. LMAO I was like waiitittttititit. The next day, on the way to the airport, I downloaded all 7 (at the time) of his albums and listened to them the whole way. I’ve seen him live too like mm chris corner I love you.

I got into DR in 2015 because of an edit of (anime) Syo and Junko to Pound the Alarm LOL. I was like “this looks cool” so I watched it on my phone while sitting on the couch all in one go. Spoilers but I cried the most when mondo and sakura died, fun fact. Life went down from there smh!!

I really believed that I was dating Gundham Tanaka. Like everything in my life was Gundham Tanaka related like I was ... obsessed with him. And I coudln’t see art of him and sonia because it would make me have a breakdown bc I thought he was cheating on me PLZ BHDSABHJBAHAAHHA it’s funny because I kin sonia now and I’m in love with her.

This was the same year where I ???? got bruises on my eardrums somehow (I asked my dad recently how I got them and he went uhh idk) ???? and I couldn’t hear anything for like three years plz. My hearing has gotten better but idk if my ear percentage is 100%/100% or if I’m just grateful it isn’t what it is before LMAO so that’s when I started learning ASL.

This is also the same year where I got hospitalized for being a neurodevelopmental schizophrenic lol OOPS !

A funny story of me growing up with danganronpa is uhh when future arc was still airing ,,, Spoilers,, and the episode with Juzo passing aired,, I literally printed the frame of him talking to himself confessing his love and BROUGHT IT TO SCHOOL. I LIT A CANDLE FOR HIM TOO LIKE BYE

Freshman year of highschool I started dating an emo kid who brought his electric guitar to school. TRAGIC. We dated for like two years please what.

Sophomore year I started getting into metal and punk. This is mainly because I went to a Slayer concert. I was trying to branch out of my goth bubble and !!! metal really stuck with me. My favorite subgenre is goregrind. It’s mmm so good. Punk... was a miss. I absolutely hate punks. If anyone in the alternative community is reading this right now I’ll tell you this: the punks that I interacted with to learn more about the community were from OC .... goodbye

I still listen to Glass Street tho ^ they are hc/crossover and I really like their music omg I have their merch now plz HBSAJKH and I still like the patch pants / crusties I made so that’s cool. A lot of kids look up / glamorize me just because of my fashion but at least they give me clout ig ...

The year after that I downloaded Spotify for the first time. I was an apple music/youtube person (tragic). Uhh what else omg. I finally figured out that I was neurodevelopmental and that it affected my way of thinking and that ,, it wasn’t JUST because I am sch so that was an awakening.

Anyways now trying to get a minor in asl interpreting mmmm and trying to get a job SMH !! why is it so hard. I’m into DND now oo that’s new and I’m collecting the dice.

I started this blog in July 2020 when I was staying with my friend in a tent in New York for a couple of months. I forced her to watch despair arc (LOL) and now she’s a junko cosplayer so B^)

Metalhead anon and everyone else who’s been here for a long ass time make me SOOO happy like woah.. it’s been so long omg. I used to post fics three times a day like wtf the EFFORT (that was before school started lol oops my bad)

Since then I’ve got a boyfriend and a whole wave of danganronpa cosplayers who are my friends now. It’s really cool to talk to so many young people (sometimes) who are hella into like,, open conversations about gender and politics and whatnot. I’m used to talking to 20 year old goth people you know?

Whenever I do something “cringey” (like if I want to do dr character impersonations or if I want to rant about how much I love this anime character or if I want to try out neopronouns) I’m like hmmmm I can go to the danganronpa cosplayers and I know they won’t judge me for this.

Anyways that’s it. It’s 22:50 where I am right now aaaanndd I go on this blog way more than I should LOL

#mod Souda

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frigidairifique · 4 years

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A meme about how M is trashy

BASICS: Name: Unknown Nicknames: M age: 14 Mental age: 12 Gender: Female Sex: Female Sexuality/romantic: Bisexual, Panromantic ONLINE: Username: wednesins Password: 4n4rch1@ most visited websites: Youtube, Reddit, uǝʌɐǝɥıɐʇuǝɥ Gets distracted by?: Everyone and everything Internet Senpai: Leliane Popularity: Unpopular as fuuuuuuck # of online friends: 5 Best online friends: Elijah (aka eliyunem) Forum Signature: “That’s all mother fuckers!” Cringiest thing posted: “Guys how do I remove a spider web I already ate?” Always makes them cringe?: When she breathes like a TH0T Tweets per day: She probably is one of the most inactive person on Twitter Strangest file names: “HOW TO BREATHN’T” Biggest folder: “random anime pics” spams people with: Memes Favourite YT video: https://youtu.be/GIhgJWmxdFc Browsing History: GoThIc LoLiTa dReSsEs Started a flame war?: Tried once. Never did it again. Do they know about 4chan?: Yep! SOCIAL: # of irl friends: 3 or something Type of friend: Emma, the bubbly one. Elijah, the shy one. Amberu, the crazy one. Evelyn, the dumb one. Vayda, the cute one. # of crushes: She loves to randomly try to seduce her friends even though she doesn’t really care about getting a gf/bf so, 0 crushes. Awkward level: IT’S OVER 9000 Walk into the club like: Doesn’t walk in. Most embarrassing moment: Her everyday life is embarassing Funniest joke: “How do we call a baker with a cold? A couchy cake. Yes, that’s a reference.” Worst joke: “How do we c-call a,, eehhh, n-nevermind hehe” Members of the squad: Emma, Elijah, Amberu, Evelyn and Vayda?? I already mentionned it?? ;u; Have they ever dated?: Nope Have they ever stalked?: E V E R Y D A Y Low-key better than friends: 2D anime girls Humans or Animals?: Both i guess? Most savage burn: “I’ll break your Nico nico knees, that’s not a threat : that’s a promise.” Desperation level: ULTRA VERY A LOT DESEPERATE Trust level for friends: Pretty high but stills stays a bit paranoied about it Most likely to trip over: She trips all the time. Clumsy stalker. Can talk about mushy stuff with: Elijah, Emma and Bonnie Always cheers them up: Everyone :3 Meanest moment: I guess that her meanest moments are when she overuses sarcasm to mock someone Kindest moment: Showing off her love and affection when she gets cheesy uwu Always makes them cry: Sad songs Always makes them laugh: Jokes of all kind! Who do they look up to? Emma or Mayune Who looks up to them? Nobody :’) Sense of humour: Perverted and pretty dark Most regrettable friend: None. She is the regrettable one. Squad hangout spot: Under a tree Have they bullied?: Nope but they do get really mean and salty when in a bad mood Have they been bullied?: A bit FANDOMS: Main fandoms: A lot of anime fandoms and mainly vocaloids. How active?: Not a lot :/ Favourite Mediums?: Songs Amount of Fanart drawn: About 4 or 5 Amount of Fanart saved: A SHIT TON Favourite characters?: V4flower Most relatable character?: # of characters they can name: otps: Miku x Gumi notps: Len x Gumi ( brotps: Rana and Otomachi Una ot3s: Yaoi or Yuri?: Both. Bara?: She isn’t against it but just doesn’t simp for it Do they RP?: Nah Do they read fanfiction?: Sometimes Anime or Cartoons?: ANIME What has made them cry most?: EeEhHh a lot of songs including a tragic storyline What always gives them a nosebleed?: lmao idkkk everything??? obsessed or casual?: Obsessed Cringiest past-fandom?: Isn’t that Wishes was real: “Miku didn’t had to go to college then why sould I. Doen’t tell me that she doesn’t fucking exist you liar” Do they have fandom OCs?: Nah Pirate or buy?: Pirate sometimes;;; Do they call themselves trash?: Yes, a lot Have they shipped incest?: nonononononono Do people call them weeaboo?: Yep! And she is Longest marathon? Whaaa- were talking about fandoms right? SIN: What always turns them on?: Anime girls lololol What always turns them off? : nothing # of rare pepes: Shitpost level: She breathes like she shitposts Can never unsee: Those creepy ass creature in the dark. Yes they exists Secret kink nobody knows: Being superior (but in a kind way ya know? how am i supposed to explain) Secret kink everybody knows: Being inferior Heaven or Hell? Heeeeellll yeah Secret they'll take to the grave? Hey! I’m not going to leak a secret she’ll take to the grave on Tumblr :v Leaked nudes?: Nah Got any Blackmail? Once. The one blackmailing her got annoyed Parents caught them: Haha, parents? What are those?? Smoke? Drink? Drugs?: Underaged drinking once Says they hate but secretly loves: Says they love but secretly hates: Would go gay for: Already gAy Have they ever shit themselves?: lmao no Top or Bottom?: Bottom. But I personally use the term “Seme or Uke?” Most illegal thing they've done: Nothing. Too scared to even try Amount of porn on computer: The homework folder is oddly full,, Name of porn folder: “Homework”

C’mon you sinner I know you want to do this meme, huh, @ezelia-huhh :)))))

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meanderfall · 5 years

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thank you my love!! ^v^

(lmao i finally did it @solienna... it’s been like months but i finally completed this. also if you’re wondering, when i first tried to answer the original ask, it wouldn’t save any of what i’d written as a draft, so i just started a new post lol)

1. three songs that come up when you put your phone on shuffle

Flaws (acoustic) by Bastille

Wait For It from Hamilton

Here Comes the Rain Again by Eurythmics

3. three songs you were recently obsessed with

World in my Pocket by The Unlikely Candidates

The Darker the Weather, the Better the Man by MISSIO

Walk Me Home by P!NK

8. three songs that remind you most of summer and vacation

this is probably a weird choice but The Kids Aren’t Alright. I honestly don’t know why, it just gives me summer vibes.

Taste by Sleeping at Last (probably bc i listened to this A LOT while playing stardew valley and stardew gives me summer vibes)

Young Volcanoes by Fall Out Boy

(this section was so hard.... there are like 0 songs that i actually associate with summer and vacation. literally the only way i do is if i discover said song and listen to a lot around the time summer starts)

11. three favourite songs from movie or TV series soundtrack

What’s Up Danger By Blackway & Black Caviar

I’m Still Standing by Taron Egerton

The Cyborg Fights (Genos’ theme from One-Punch Man. It’s an instrumental piece, and it goes off).

12. three favourite songs from video games

i fucking hate you adri, so much, i never listen to video game soundtracks, you fool, i have nothing to offer you

Klavier’s theme from Ace Attorney! Called Guilty Love lmao

I played Night in the Woods recently, and I think my two favourite pieces were Astral Alley (it plays during a dream sequence and i literally fucked around doing nothing for a bit just to listen to this. It’s so peaceful, but there’s something also... wistful or sad about it, that i just love.)

and Dusk Stars! (That one plays while stargazing with a professor as a sidequest and tbh it was one of my favourite parts of the game. Surprisingly wholesome, and the last bit really struck a cord with me.)

13. three songs you want at your funeral

Saturn by Sleeping at Last

I Lived by One Republic

Pieces by Harbor and Home (low-key this song is practically a narrative for my life and for once it’s just comforting)

14. three songs you want at your wedding

Bright by Echosmith

Lovesong by Adele

Meaning of Life by Kelly Clarkson

(i don’t.... listen to happy love songs.... i was just going through my library of romantic songs and i was like “this is too pop, this is too angsty, this is pre-relationship, etc. etc”.)

15. three songs you want to dance with your love to

Fly Me to the Moon

Turn Time Off

Anna Sun by Walk the Moon (tbh this song gives me a very specific image of like moving into a new home with my lover and this song is playing while we’re unpacking, or even just any high energy song, and we end up pausing unpacking long enough to dance silly together and sing the song and it ends with us like hugging with a peck for good measure and life seems so good and perfect)

18. three songs that remind you of your best friend

Budapest (legit bc she showed me this song and was like “i think you would like this!” and you bet your ass i would love that song even if it was trash)

Another Night on Mars

Trouble is a Friend by Lenka (why? i legitimately don’t know. Especially since she’s the sweetest and most peaceful person ever. Then again she is a junkrat main.... never mind it makes sense)

19. three songs that are your guilty pleasure

Waters of Megalovania

Jessie’s Girl (this is like. the quintessential chad complaining about being friend-zoned, but i jam out to it every time, and im sucker for jealousy and unrequited love)

I Don’t Even Care About You by MISSIO for the days when im angry or having a bad day or more annoyed than usual at people trying to interact with me, and I just want to indulge in my old cynicism and hatred of the world in general

20. three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one

False Confidence by Noah Kahan

Hate That You Know Me by the Bleachers

Happy by Marina and the Diamonds

21. three songs of your childhood

oh boy adri, i was an angsty kid. I also tried to keep this specifically to songs I listened to before the age of ten just bc in my head my childhood was pretty much from the ages 3 to ~9, and honestly corresponds to a very specific period in my life

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

Pieces by Sum 41

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

22. three songs you listen to when you’re sad

All We Do by Oh Wonder

All the King’s Horses by Karmina

SoLow by Keegan Calmes

(this selection was actually hard bc there are... a surprising amount tbh and that probably isnt a good thing lol)

23. three songs that never fail to get you pumped up

How Far We’ve Come by Matchbox Twenty

High on Humans by Oh Wonder

Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon (to the surprise of exactly no one. This song came out five years ago and it’s STILL my feel good song, even when i feel terrible)

(this was also a hard choice because i got so many feel good, pump me up songs as well, which i guess??? balances out the amount of sad songs i know and love??)

24. three favourite old songs

lmao how old are we talking here? early 2000s? before that? 1950s? i’ll just go with some goodies

Addicted to Love by Robert Palmer (OKAY SO. this is low-key an all-time favourite of mine and that i relate(d) to a LOT as the person he’s singing about.)

Africa by Toto (damn fucking right im putting it adri!!!)

For What It’s Worth by Buffalo Springfield

26. three favourite non-English songs

Alles Neu by Peter Fox (for once not a lyrics video, bc the official video is part of the Experience for this song)

The Narrow Street by Shin-Yong Woo (aka Jumin’s voice actor. This is simultaneously a huge mood, and gives me feels for my husband)

Little Traveler by clear (the only vocaloid song i know! im truly a sucker for The Little Prince though, the novel that inspired this song)

(be proud of me adri, this section could’ve been nothing but japanese songs, a good portion just from anime.)

29. three songs that influenced you most (some songs change or save lives)

im not gonna lie, a lot of these songs were kind of taken by the childhood ones but lemme see if i can scrounge up any others

In a Big Country by Big Country

Stand by Rascal Flatts

Better Get to Livin’ by Dolly Parton

(As you know, I listen to the first one A LOT, pretty much every time I get into sad mood and want some comfort, but the other two, i sort of forget about, even though i remember these songs being super important to me when i was younger. And re-listening to these now is... kind of crazy tbh, and bringing up all sorts of memories. I will say, perhaps i should give younger me more credit for how hard she was trying to heal and be a better person, just based on these songs lol)

30. three songs you really want your followers to know (for reasons other than all those above)

Lemme see, im gonna give you guys some songs that I internally categorize as late night songs. The songs that make you feel like you’re listening to it at 2 am on a Saturday night, and reality feels just a little bit shifted, and everything feels deeper, more meaningful

Sloppy Seconds by Watsky

Shrike by Hozier

Hurricane by Reuben and the Dark

Sunflower by Post Malone, Swae Lee

+Bonus. Three songs I can listen to, no matter what my mood

Muscle Memory (Acoustic) by Lights. No joke, even on days where i feel like any song is going to irritate the fuck out of me and im sick of listening to music and the emotions they evoke, i can listen to this and immediately feel better

It’s Alright by Mother Mother (legit whenever it shows up in my recommended i smash that mf play button no matter what. it’s like one of, if not the only, song that matches the screaming in my head.)

You’re Somebody Else by flora cash (same as the two above tbh)

#about #this took.... so long #also the 'recently obsessed with' section is no longer all that accurate lmao #though i am still loving them to death and listen to them on repeat so it's cool #istg it's been so long #we were different people back then

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waltzing-marionettes · 6 years

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Ten songs I’m obsessed with

tagged by dearest @yourfavouritedoll !! Thank you!

Here goes, in no particular order:

1. Candy Addict Full Course - Machigerita

Originally a vocaloid song, but i’m in love with this version, with a real human guy singing. This is my to-go theme song for my cannibal oc Nico!! It’s about cannibalism and obsessive love with some mild sexual undertones, so it’s obviously not everyone’s cup of tea, but personally i just love everything about it.

2. Death Wheel - Adrian von Ziegler

I LOVE this one. The mood here is simply gorgeous; refinement and darkness intertwined. i’ve used it as inspiration for a special part of the Augusta backstory, if you can guess which one??

3. Watashi to Hitotsu no Shinzou wo (Me and a single heart) - MASA

Like the first song, Masa is not for everyone, his music deals with extremely dark, potentially triggering subjects like prostitution and cannibalism, so be aware, and i don’t say this lightly. However, the music is catchy and often inspired by Japanese mythology and traditional instruments. This is one of his less explicit songs, about ghosts and possession and two sisters who may or may not love each other a little too much.

4. Extrait de Inanna - Armand Amar

One of my favourite instumental songs, wistful and haunting and with some real Godchild vibes to it. How i’d imagine sitting alone by a window a rainy night in Victorian London might feel like.

5. Skeletons on Parade - Ludo

This one is full of Delilah vibes, with the theme of defying god and bringing the dead back to life!! A catchy song with the style slowly changing trough-out and another one of my favs and i can see the delilah members dancing to this at their wild parties

6. Tsukihana - Nana Kitade

Opening song from an anime i used to watch in high school! I just love all the anger and heartbreak in her voice, it feels raw and real and goes perfectly together about not being able to let go of the lover who betrayed you. Main theme song for my ghost oc Yukiko.

7. Danse Macabre - Camille Saint-Saëns

A classical piece with some major victorian gothic vibes to it. i’d absolutely love to dance to it at a grand ball at least once in my life.

8. Schatzwalzer - Johann Strauss II

Even if i know i’d hated the realities of being a (bisexual, biracial, mentally ill) woman in the victorian era, this one makes me wanna time-travel back to the 19th century and sneak into a grand ball just for the experience of waltzing and falling in love!

9. Summer (Kikujiro) - Joe Hisaishi

Honestly i’d say anything from the soundtrack to the movie Kikujiro no Natsu, the music is so tender and heartwarming and it just gets me teary-eyed every single time. It sounds like one of your softest, fondest memories, and is actually made by the same man who made the music to several studio ghibli films. And just because i can, i’m gonna recommend another song by him from the same movie: ”The Rain.”

10. My Tamako, My Sookhee - Handmaiden OST.

This one gets to me every single time!!! i always get so emotional about that scene when Sookhee destroys the porn library of Hideko’s abuser to free her of him, before they finally run away together. This song is from just that moment. Gorgeous song from a gorgeous movie.

I tag: @sweetlittlevampire @vamp-prince-mikhael @gilasaurus @hong-ara @toni-qt @lithui @crowcrownprince and uhm just anyone who feels like doing this!! and as always, if i tagged you and you don’t want to for any reason, no pressure and feel free to skip this if you want!

#my music taste is a weird mix i know #help #tag meme #personal #music #me

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twotwinks · 6 years

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HOW IS YOUR URL RELATED TO WARRIORS CATS PLEASE EXPLAIN

I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA ASK ME ABOUT THIS I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE GONNA SHAME ME FOR IT PUBLICLY

Okay… so… I loved Warrior Cats as a smol child. My best friend and I were so hooked, it was all we talked about, all we ever read, all we ever played pretend at. I had computer privileges at home and she didn’t, so when we found out there was a website I was sent to learn all about it and whatnot. I wasted an ungodly amount of hours playing the games and doing the activities and everything. My most important task, however, was determining our Warrior names from the name generator they had.

My Warrior name is Tanglepath.

Then I got into Vocaloid (yes, my url is also slightly related to Vocaloid, apparently I really am still stuck in middle school) and the whole fandom with that. That’s also about the time I started making online accounts, so I needed a go-to username. Tanglepath was usually my go-to nickname for stuff, but it was taken on most platforms, so what did I do? Tack a “mistress” on the front of it, because in Vocaloid fandom at the time, being Master or Mistress of ‘loids was a Big Deal.

My url up until very recently was actually mistresstanglepath. I’d long since gotten uncomfortable using “mistress” (too feminine, it gave my neutrois half the creepy crawlies, plus some creepy random guys messaged me on Skype a few times because of the word’s ~sexual connotations~) and had shortened it to “miss” on most sites. And I’d long since grown out of my Warrior Cats obsession, so referring to myself as Tanglepath no longer seemed right (and also a little cringey). And, really, the whole thing was just so long, I hated typing it out. So I cut it to just Tangle, and it still sounded right for me. Squish ‘em together, and you’ve got MissTangle (my username on most sites now, but it was taken on a few, so I used MissTanglepath because it was less objectionable). And then I decided that even MissTangle was too long (and I was also paranoid that one day someone would come at me for not being female but still using “miss”) so I asked to go by MT. Now I could never dream of going by anything else. I have nothing against my given name, by any means, but MT feels so much more comfortable and real to me and who I want to be that I’ve even caught myself referring to myself in the third person with it (like I do in my tags, but in my head and occasionally out loud).

But yeah, that’s how Warrior Cats helped produce my url! :3 mew

#mt answers #ruth #warrior cats #i'm such an oddball i know

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lavender-buck · 7 years

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I got tagged by @sweet-armin to post 10 facts about me! Yaaaayyy~

1. I have an SNK and a Vocaloid poster in my room, the SNK one has the chibi Shiganshina trio staring over my bed.

2. My first anime obsessions were Hetalia and Vocaloid, if you don’t count Pokemon or the PokeSpe mangas.

3. I’m very much an aquarium hobbyist and I only own a betta at the moment (His name is Leviathan, Levi for short), but I’ve had everything from crayfish to catfish, and neocaridina shrimp are my favorite aquatic animals to have.

4. I can’t sleep at night without my dog, I get intense nonsensical or horror dreams and wake up physically ill. He has to be in the room with me, and I genuinely don’t know why.

5. I have a stuffed rabbit who was named Velvetina, but as I realized I was trans she somehow stopped feeling like a girl too and it seemed... Uncomfortable, which is something that’s never happened. His name is now Velvetine (Vel-vet-tine, not vel-vet-teen). So technically I have a transgender stuffed animal. I’ve had him since I was super little, I don’t remember even getting him!

6. I have 3 older brothers, 2 of which I’ve never met, and 1 who I used to be super close with until he moved out.

7. I used to be super super into Warriors, and it was what got me onto the internet and making OCs. Yes, the cats in clans, that Warriors.

8. I saw Armin Arlert first when the anime came out and watched SNK merely because I thought he was cute. He’s been one of my special interests since, and at one point he was my only special interest (Autism-wise special interest, to be clear). I’ve never related to a character or loved a character more in my entire life. I’ve never felt the emotions of a fictional person so deeply as part of myself, nor have they ever been so relevant to me.

9. I love Care Bears and my favorites are Wish Bear and Tenderheart Bear and Nobleheart Horse!

10. My favorite Pokemon by far is Hypno and it makes me sad how much he’s hated and seen as ugly... (HIS NOSE IS BIG BECAUSE HE’S A TAPIR YOU FOOLS, NOT A CREEPY OLD MAN. MORE SPECIFICALLY HE’S BASED OFF OF A TAPIR SPIRIT CALLED A BAKU SO BE QUIET HE’S A BIG YELLOW FRIEND)

I taaaaaggggg @stardust-moth, @stupid-things-and-armin-arlert, @shylittlenerd aaaand @raychus? Only if you guys want to, nobody has to so don’t feel bad if you don’t wanna. <3 If anybody else wants to do this they can and just say I tagged you!

#buckpost #tagged

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recentanimenews · 7 years

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Manga the Week of 5/31

SEAN: Believe it or not, under 20 releases is now a quiet week. Welcome to the Manga Boom, here’s your accordion. So what’s out next week?

J-Novel Club has an odd license. Despite being available to them, no one thought the company would license Invaders of the Rokujouma!? for two reasons: 1) It’s 23 volumes and counting in Japan, and 2) it already had a well-regarded fan translation of the first 22 volumes. But J-Novel has licensed that fan translation, is giving it an edit, and doing a fast release of the first three volumes of the series, with more to come monthly, apparently. As for the title itself, it’s a harem comedy, so moving on…

ASH: It’s probably not a series that I’ll ever pick up, but that’s an interesting publication history!

SEAN: Kodansha has more digital Del Rey rescues. Alive 16, Nodame Cantabile 20, and Yozakura Quartet 12.

…and I guess that Kodansha has Battle Angel Alita 1-3 out digitally too. I knew it was coming, but not so soon. This is the original BAA (as opposed to the Last Order reboot), with a new translation.

Their lone print release this week is the 60th volume of Fairy Tail, which should be wrapping up in Japan soon.

Kodansha also has new digital releases. Kasane is an award-winning work, and runs in the magazine Evening. It appears to be a dark thriller with lots of bullying and abuse overtones. But, magic lipstick!

Real Girl (3D Kanojo) is a shoujo/josei title from Dessert, involving a nerdy outcast type who ends up working with a cool beauty, the sort he hates, but gradually comes to realize that cool beauties are people too.

ANNA: I have mixed feelings about these digital releases, I’m so happy that more shoujo/josei is coming out, but having been burned before by the crash and burn of digital manga programs in the past, I’m concerned about some of these titles actually being finished. Also, it would be great to have some more josei print manga! Even with these handy reminders for the Manga Bookshelf team, I’m having a hard time keeping track of all the digital releases that I’m interested in.

MICHELLE: There certainly are a lot of them! That said, I will give these two new ones a try. And yay for more Nodame, as well!

ASH: I’m glad that these titles are being licensed at all, but I’d definitely like to see more of the released in print, too.

MELINDA: I share Anna’s concerns. I’m glad these are being released, but I’m still reeling from the loss of some JManga series I was really invested in (that have not, to my knowledge, been picked up by anyone else), and I admit I still mistrust digital.

SEAN: If it helps, the JManga title To All Corners of the World was rescued by Seven Seas and will be out in November in one (print) omnibus.

Seven Seas has a few new titles next week, starting with a (gasp!) novel, The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku, based on the seemingly unstoppable Vocaloid idol.

The manga debut is The High School Life of a Fudanshi (Fudanshi Koukou Seikatsu), a comedy title from Zero-Sum Online about a straight guy obsessed with BL, and his drive to find someone else to share his obsession with.

ASH: Knowing a few straight fudanshi myself, I’m rather curious to see how the series handles the topic.

MELINDA: Cautiously interested.

SEAN: And there’s a 5th volume of Shomin Sample, which must have run out of girls showing us their panties on the cover by now. (checks) Sadly, apparently not.

Vertical has the 8th Ninja Slayer, for all your Ninja needs.

They also have a light novel based on the Seven Deadly Sins manga, subtitled Seven Scars They Left Behind. Judging by that title, I wouldn’t expect a lot of laughs.

Yen Digital has some new volumes for us, as we get the 10th Aphorism, the 10th Crimson Prince, and the 10th Sekirei.

And while it’s not Vol. 10, Yen On does have the first four Sword Art Online novels now available digitally, for those obsessed with reading light novels on their phones (like me).

Are you taking a week off? Or getting something here?

By: Sean Gaffney

#Anime #News #Manga Bookshelf

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chibinekochan · 8 years

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The RFA as a idol group (AU)

I watch all the idol Anime (males and females) I´m too obsessed with everything

-utapri is the root of all evil but I love it so much still-

So it was only a matter of time till this happened

Also its going to be a different style for this one

edit: i forgot to change the Idol ages sorry

Character Spoilers

Your Story:

You are just fresh in the music business and you look for a job.

Then one day you see a strange message on your Smartphone that invites you to a Job Interview.

Its Strange since you never heard about that place but you go anyway.

Its a very small space and it had seen better days but you see there are several rooms sadly you see people around so you look and find a room where some people are sitting around and chatting

After they notice you the group of people think you broke in but you strongly deny that

You tell them about the job interview but neither of the guys heard anything about it

You show them the message you got then one of the guys goes up and gets their producer.

age 26

V is the producer he Loves the RFA its a project that him and his Fiance -you know who- founded.

But she died almost two years and ever since then the RFA is slowly breaking apart.Only a few Idols remaining and they have barely any work.V try's his best with his connections but the members all fighting with Rika´s death.It seems like none of them still wants to be the Idol group that Rika always dreamed of.He not wants to abandon that project and clings to it desperately.

So no you are coming in a young and ambitious person full of dreams and ideas.

He not Invited you but for some reason he feels like you are what the RFA needs

V has still hope and the RFA is his Family

You are really positive and have a good aura

Maybe just maybe you can fix thinks and maybe you are a sign from Rika

So he ends up hiring you as their new manager

V was not looking for you but maybe you are what he needs still

You are a bit surprised about that offer but of course you agree its a much higher position then you thought but such a great opportunity

So he tells the member that brought you to him he hired you

V Introduces you to him

707

age changed to 16

He was a child actor before he joined the company. He hides that fact he even changed his real name and goes now by Luciel. He wants no connection to that show or to his past. He has a very cheery stage persona. He is sometimes a real troll in Interviews but he is also very friendly and funny. He never lets his persona fall. He is actual quite a nerd when it comes to technology. Its rumored that he build a real life Vocaloid and that its someone in the group. When he is not in persona he is fighting with depression. He hides a lot of secrets. He is still in the RFA because V and Rika saved him he is very loyal and V is a father figure for him. 707 decided to not Study and fully focus on his carrier.

You find his stage name a bit odd for but idols can be eccentric and you heard worth names

At least its easy to remember he seems really friendly and jokes a lot he has a positive attitude what is a good think

He seems glad that they have a new Manager and he mentions he misses the time with the others

He still does some jobs but its more for variety shows

-like sport challenges against other idols or comedy related thinks-

707 is not minding that too much but he enjoys singing more

He tells you to just call him Luciel when you want but either way is fine with him

You ask him to show his skills later on and even when its clear that 707 got a bit lazy on the dancing and singing routines he does quite good

Lucky his stamina in really good an he sees that you know your stuff after you call him out for some mistakes (he tried to cover them )

He will need training but at least he is still motivated with it

Not so much on the shows and he has no real Interest in acting

What sticks you as bit odd but well for now its more imported to get the group back on track anyway

Yoosung

Age is 15

The youngest of the group. He is a half day Idol since he is also studying. He could handle both really well till Rika died. He fell in a deep hole without her. She was the one that always said he has great talent as an Idol. Without her it became pointless. He started slacking up in studying and in his Idol carrier. He would had quilted if it was not for the name. Yoosung just can´t let go so he sticks around. He mostly just sits in a corner playing games. It started slowly after Rika´s death but now he barely does anything else anymore. His grades are pretty much medium still so he gets threw somehow. He is a quite open guy for the most part despite whats inside of him he barely shows that to anyone. Everybody knows about his issues but they just have no energy to help him and they don´t know how. He barely does any Idol related thinks anymore he had one or two small shows. He likes doing some game related commercials. Yoosung actual became quite popular among gamers for his lolol song in a commercial. His Idol personality is of course a cheery and naive guy he is the youngest and he looks so young too. He rather be a cool character but no one takes him serious. 707 trolls with him on stage a lot but they actual close friends they met in school.

Luciel brings you back to the room and the 2 other members already left one for work and the other one had something better to do

So Luciel tells Yoosung about how you are their new manager

He is happy to have one finally again I mean no one could replace Rika ever

He is really not happy that V would not just take over but V is really busy as their Producer

So you introduce yourself and tell him about your dream since he just halfly pays attention

As he hears how much ambition you have it reminds him of Rika you really must be send from her then

So he is willing to give you a chance to keep Rikas dream alive

You let him show what he can do and his state is really really bad.

His stamina and his dancing both lacks Yoosung does not even try to cover up

He knows how bad he is even Luciel pocks hard on him

But you surprise him first you tell him that his singing is actual very good better then Luciels

And you tell him with a lot of training he can get back in to shape

That quite surprises him in a very long time no one told him that he had potential so now he is motivated and promises to get better

Zen

age 19

He is from a very strict Family so his plan to become a Musical actor not really fitted well with his Parents. So he ran away and played little parts in run down places and also worked part time here and their. Till Rika found him she told him about her project and it sounded quite interesting. As a idol he could do singing acting and much more. So why not it was a great opportunity for him to get more Famous. He liked how V and Rika saw his potential not just his looks. So of course he is sad about Rika´s death but he still gets work. Mainly as a model what is kind of upsetting him but he sticks around. Zen is waiting for a opportunity still but he cannot abandon the RFA either. Luckily V got him a small role in a Drama so he is glad with that job. He is also the most serious about that whole Idol business. His stage character is of course a flirty guy. He is really sincere (and flirty) in real life . Zen is not a player even when there are rumors like that. He has a rivalry going on with Jumin nobody is sure why Zen hates him so much. Maybe because everyone treats Jumin as their leader when Zen says he would be much better in that position.

Zen comes back from his Drama recording while you are talking with 707 and Yoosung

They tell him the news and he is glad that finally someone can help him to get more work.

You tell him you where hired to manage the group so you want to get them offers as a group

What slightly disappoints him since to him its clear that he is the best looking and most talented one

He is the only one you recognize from a poster

You tell him he needs to prove the Talent part.

So that is what he does

Zen of course shows off and gives it his all

Natural you compliment him for his great dancing you tell the other that they should try and catch up to his skills

But you also tell him you noticed the one wrong step he did and you also think that Yoosung actual has a better voice then him

Yoosung needs training of course but he has potential

Zen is quite surprised you caught his misstep he made that one on purpose to see if you actual have a good eye or not

He is happy that you do but its making him kind of mad that you think that someone else is better in anything

He gets all fired up and you tell him that that is exactly the attitude they all need from now on to get anywhere

So you did it on purpose to get him motivated ? Now Zen is really Impressed.

Jumin

age 21

He is the hair to a huge family business but he has no real interest in taking it over. His true love is music he almost broke up ties because of that but his father gave in figuring it would be only a phase. His Father thought Jumin just needed time to live his dream for a bit and then come back. Jumin refuses all help from him since he wants to do it on his own. He told no one in the group about that since he wants to be only recognized for his talent. He is V´s friend and he was also friends with Rika. He was more then happy to help her making her dream come true they never really succeeded till she died and now it was out of reach. He would rather just focus on his own career but he not wants to leave V behind. After all he still gets some jobs thanks to him. He actual has a small role in a Soap opera. Sadly there are some rumors because he once played a gay guy in a small role. Somehow having no real interest in dating made some people think he is actual gay. He does not really care over such rumors but he does not like his reputation being pulled down by that. He is a very serious guy even scary at times so of course he is also an Icy character on stage. He became the leader because he is the oldest and he also was the one that looked the most determined. He also could handle interviews the best. He mainly accepted it because it pissed a certain member off. Secretly he loves teasing Zen. He is not a Vocaloid build by Seven he strongly denies that rumor. His weakness are cute cats.

He is the last member to come and he wonders how it became so lively in here

Is his a bit annoyed by Zen performing for you since he does not know why

But Jumin finds it amusing that you call Zen out for miss stepping and his narcissism

He likes how witty you are but he also asks right away what you are doing here still

The others explain and he seems okay with a new manager

You look young and you not have actual experience but he saw you have a good eye

So he gives you a chance to prove yourself

You tell him how noble you find that and of course he calls you out for your sarcasm

You ask him politely to how his skills so you can set up a program with their dance and singing Trainer who is apparently the same person.

Jumin they does so he is still in good shape and his voice is great.

You tell him he could use some more emotion in his performance and he needs to become more flexible in his movements

Zen is laughing since you basically just confirmed that he is a robot

What makes Jumin comment on his bad behavior -his flirting-

It becomes really clear that these two will need some major team building

After all are now their you give them some final words as a group

They all need to shape up Yoosung will need some major training for his body and stamina.

707 needs some more sing and dance training he also needs to become more serious.

Zen needs to stop flirting with himself and take that whole thing more serious he will need to learn to work with the others since they are suppose to be a team

Jumin needs to loosen up and he also needs to act as a leader and not anger other members with his arrogance

But if they do that and work together as a unit they can become something really awesome and you really want to see them perform together.

You really see why Rika decided to make a group out of them.

Then you hear someone behind you agreeing its the Instructor

Jaehee

age 25

She is the Dance and sing Instructor /Teacher. She was a ballerina till and accident made her stop she then started studying music what she really enjoyed. Jaehee had not enough courage to actual go for a singing career and she found that she was better with teaching others. She joined the RFA short before Rika died. Jaehee gave ever her all and it made her proud to see them all working hard. She also was a fan of Zen before he joined the RFA so that was a big bonus. After everything crumbled she almost left since 707 Jumin and Yoosung where kind of annoying her. She stayed for Zen. She got an offer and almost quit it was then Jumin who offered her some extra payment if she stays. Jumin told her the truth about him and offers her to hire her .(He pays her with what he earns since he does not really need the money.) Jaehee of course promises to tell anyone and she agrees to stay till she finds a even better offer. That when you come

She is fully agreeing with you on all parts

V called her and told Jaehee over the new manager so she came to check you out

Jaehee is happy that everyone is motivated once again she herself was hit by Rika death and felt useless

Despite what she thought about leaving seeing the others happy again and exited made her feel better too

Jaehee was glad that someone with as much energy as you joined she herself had grown really tired

She saw it now and so she hoped you could support her as well

You not needed her to show you anything so you decide to work with her on training plans

She was fired up and you two did not even notice it became late

Or that the other members left since it became night

You where both so deep in it it was quite impressive

Jaehee ended up talking about how she was hired and that she is actual a fan of Zen

In her job she does not go easy on anyone even on Zen

You find her very Impressive and she promises you to show the recordings she took from everyones performances

It was nice to see that someone in the RFA was doing their job so dedicated you already knew you would count on her a lot

By morning you where done and really tired but you and Jaehee where also really proud of your work

You both where peacefully passed out as the other members came in

It was both funny and cute

They got you some breakfast and coffee before waking you both up

It was quite nice of them

So that it for now I will continue this since I had fun writing it and I also have a few ideas.

I probably will change it to a fiction style I will see.

Thank you for reading this ^-^

#mm #mystic messenger #fanfic #au #mysme #rfa #zen #yoosung #707 #luciel #idol #rfa idol au #headcanon #minific #jumin #jaehee #v

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syekick-powers · 3 years

Text

i feel the need to write a long post about my experiences as an nb trans guy. i honestly feel like not enough people understand what that means. tw for mentions of miscarriages, deep discussion of transmasc dysphoria, and occasional mentions of sexual assault near the bottom.

my dysphoria didn’t really start until puberty. when i was a prepubescent child, i mostly felt okay about my body and who i was. did i have discomfort with how people perceived me? yes, but it was so heavily sublimated that i didn’t recognize it for what it was until years later. one of my earliest memories when i was a child was sitting in front of the TV in my grandma’s house watching arthur while my grandma cooked in the kitchen up the stairs. i was thinking to myself about gender, and i concluded that i must’ve been a boy, because that’s how i felt. i didn’t know anything about gender as genitals. i didn’t know anything about gender roles. i was a very young child with barely any conception of the differences between genders, and i still concluded i was a boy.

i didn’t think about that again for a long time. my mother, bless her, was obsessed with the idea of having a daughter. she told me over and over growing up how happy she was that i was born, how much she tried and tried to have me, how she had three miscarriages before finally giving birth to me. over and over and over, she insisted that she loved me specifically because i was “female”, because i was her “daughter”. this was a constant throughout my childhood, and when i was younger i didn’t fight it. because i didn’t really know anything about gender, and i let the adults decide for me because i didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what i was actually feeling.

would i have identified as nonbinary from childhood if i’d known what that meant? absolutely, i would have. once i knew the difference between penis and vagina, i always wanted to have both. i always wondered if that was weird, but i was too afraid of coming across as a freak to ask any of my peers if they felt the same way or if i was just a weirdo. i don’t necessarily buy into the “born in the wrong body” narrative, because my body is my body. i don’t always feel comfortable in it, but it’s still mine. i want to change it to make it fit myself better, because that is my right as a human being.

but i did have dysphoria. once i hit puberty, the changes my body was doing was enough to fill me with so much self-hatred. when my mom was telling me about puberty, she told me “now you’re going to grow breasts” and the very first words out of my mouth were “but i don’t WANT them!” my mother told me that the feeling of my breasts itching or hurting meant they were getting bigger, and to this day even the slightest unusual sensation around my chest gives me dysphoria. my greatest dysphoria was always around my chest. i never felt this pain when i was prepubescent because i didn’t have breasts. but when they started growing, i hated them so much. i just wanted to rip them off my body. they felt like alien parasites clinging to my skin, like fleshbags that had been stapled to my chest. every single time i felt them move or bounce i wanted to claw my own skin off.

but you know what? i had no idea what i was experiencing was dysphoria. my hatred of my body manifested as body dysmorphia. i felt ugly, ugly, ugly--but i had no idea it had anything to do with my gender, because ninety percent of the self-hatred i felt was because i was fat. that was the largest part of it--my family is descended from northern europeans, which means that our body types naturally favored carrying a lot of fat. when i was a young child, i was aromantic due to gender dissonance, but as a teenager i gradually realized i did want a relationship. but i was convinced i was just such an ugly “girl” that no one would ever love or even fuck me. i hated my body because it was fat, or so i thought. that was what i was convinced of, because it made enough sense.

the first clue that i had that i was maybe not just an ugly girl was when i started using the chatrooms on dA, aka dAmn. i entered a chatroom with a bunch of people in it and introduced myself, and gradually i became one of the regulars and even an admin in the chat. and since this was like a decade ago, the assumption on the internet was that most of the people who used the internet were men. people who came into the chat assumed i was a guy, just because that was how the internet was at that point. and when people came into that chatroom and assumed i was a guy... i never corrected them. i never proudly proclaimed “actually, i’m a girl.” i never acted offended or weirded out (though i was surprised that people didn’t think my alias sye didn’t sound feminine, because at the time i conceptualized it as a “feminine” name), and when people used he pronouns to refer to me, i always got a thrill from it.

eventually, however, i migrated off of dA and onto reddit. i was a fairly frequent reddit user in my later high school years, but i mostly interacted on the ragecomics subreddit, the vocaloid subreddit, and the queer subreddit r/ainbow. i picked out r/ainbow because during middle school i had been questioning my sexuality (at first i called myself pan, but then gradually i drifted to the bi label for a few reasons) and i’d heard that r/ainbow was a much friendlier subreddit, because a lot of redditors claimed that the r/lgbt subreddit had been taken over by tumblr SJWs, and since i was still overcoming a pretty serious case of 4chan poisoning at that point, i decided to pick the “friendlier”, less “SJW” queer subreddit. r/ainbow had pride flag flair (little icons you could put next to your username) and my first ever foray into identifying as nonbinary was changing my flair on r/ainbow to be a combination of the bi flag and the genderqueer flag.

now, i knew for a fact that my sibling also used reddit, and that he’d see my choice of flair sooner or later. eventually, we had a conversation about that, and he told me that he’d accept me and asked me about my pronouns and did all the accepting things he could, letting me know that he really cared about me.

my parents, on the other hand.... i didn’t come out to them for the longest time. i hate saying that i was “in the closet” because so many people use it to mean that the person doesn’t really know themself and that they’re just holding back showing everyone who they really are. i hated this idea that “being in the closet” meant you were being dishonest. so i never really considered myself “closeted”. but i didn’t tell people face to face that i was nonbinary. i was loud and out about it on the internet, but i never ever told anyone directly to their face that i was not cis. at the time, i was still not sure of what i wanted to do with myself. i’d just been introduced to the idea of not actually being a girl, and i was grappling with what that meant for me, what it meant for my self-perception. i’d had the identity of “girl” beaten into my head so much during my childhood thanks to my mother’s obsession with having a daughter that i didn’t know how to self-conceptualize any other way. i didn’t want to transition yet. i didn’t even want to socially transition. i was scared. terrified of what being trans meant. i went through a phase where i said i was “nonbinary but not trans” just because the idea of changing myself so drastically was terrifying, even if i hated my chest and hated presenting as female. (to a certain extent, i never really consciously presented as feminine. i had long hair, which meant that everyone assumed my presentation was “feminine”, even if i wore cargo pants and a leather jacket.)

but gradually, over time, my self-perception changed. i realized that part of the reason why i hated my appearance so much was because i was gendering my own features. my face wasn’t my face, it was a “female” face. my body wasn’t my body, it was “a girl’s body”. a lot of my ambient dysphoria came from just perceiving myself and my body in an inherently gendered way. over time, i trained myself not to see my own body as inherently anything. i didn’t have “a girl’s body”, i had my own body. i didn’t have a “girl’s” face, it was just my face. i still do experience dysphoria, mostly around my chest, but not nearly to the level i experienced as a teenager.

and, of course, with gender questioning, my sexuality questioning was also pretty intense too. one of the things i see a lot of queer cis people not understand is that the experience of being queer and trans is so much weirder than being queer and cis. you have no fucking idea how weird it is to grow up being attracted to men your whole life, loving how they look and their aesthetics and their voices and their bodies and everything--but just feeling so, so alienated at the idea of trying to be in a relationship with them. because of how they’d perceive you. because to them you’re just a girl, and boys are supposed to be the man of the house and women are supposed to be nurturing housekeeping mothers and how weird are you for being attracted to men and not wanting to be seen as a woman. because as a queer trans person, people assume you’re just a weirdo cis straight person with a fetishizing fixation on m/m (or f/f if you’re queer+transfem) couples. i remember when i first started using tumblr i saw a post from someone who said something like “i have read so much fanfiction now that i’m no longer attracted to men as a woman, but as a gay male” and the comments were just full of people screaming UGH STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE SO UGLY YOU GROSS FETISHIZING FREAKS HOW NASTY ARE YOU DISGUSTING SHAME SHAME SHAME and i, who had been reading m/m fanfiction and felt seen for the first time in my life, internalized such a huge amount of shame and self-disgust just from that post alone. any time i was attracted to a queer male character in a piece of media i hated myself so much for being a “fetishizer” because i wanted to be in a relationship with them, but couldn’t because i was just “a sad straight girl who turned gay men into a fetish”. never mind the fact that seeing m/m romance for the first time in my life made me feel seen and understood in a way that no m/f romance in mainstream media had ever made me feel. never mind the fact that i wasn’t even a girl in the first place. it’s nothing like being queer and cis at all.

i still remember the first time i came across gay male subcultures, and how different men with different body types would be categorized with various nicknames. i encountered the bear subculture, the group of men who were fat and hairy, and i felt something click. this, i thought. this is what i want to be. because i had spent so long thinking of myself as just an ugly girl, it never even occurred to me that there may be someone out there who would look at my body type and find it hot and sexy and desirable. my brain had been so drenched in a potent combination of self-hating misogyny, fatphobia, and transphobia that i couldn’t even consider myself sexually attractive at all. and then i found bears, and i realized that maybe someone could find me sexy and attractive, that i wasn’t just a failed girl, that someone could find me beautiful even with the body i had.

and it wasn’t just the whole “fat and still sexy” thing that struck me about the bear subculture, either, it was specifically “fat and hairy and sexy”. because one of the ways i struggled with gendered expectations as a teenager was the feminine expectation to shave. i hated shaving my legs and my armpits. i have moles in my armpits that make shaving without hurting myself impossible, and my leg skin is so bumpy that i couldn’t shave there without hurting myself either. no matter how much i tried, i would always, ALWAYS nick myself in the shower with the razor, and in the case of my armpits, sometimes the moles would get actually stuck in the razors and it would fucking hurt. and my mother constantly, constantly harangued me to shave, told me that women who didn’t shave were seen as dirty and unhygienic and gross. to this fucking day i cannot wear shorts in public because my legs are SO hairy and i am so terrified of someone handing me shit for not shaving my legs. i literally cannot bring myself to wear anything but full-length pants out in public no matter how hot it is because of how scared i am of someone insulting me for my leg hair because they assume i’m a woman. but the bear subculture? you could be fat and hairy and still be stunningly attractive. you could be chubby and totally covered in hair and still be a total sex bomb.

eventually, i found myself wanting to take testosterone. i thought of myself as trans, not just nonbinary. i started to become more loud and direct about my gender. i was still not out to people in my face-to-face life, but on the internet i became pushier and pushier about my identity. i felt more and more like i wanted to alter myself so i could stop living in this perpetual pit of frustration that was dealing with dysphoria. i wanted to transition, more and more, even if the social consequences of transitioning were severe, because the longer and longer i went allowing people to assume i was female, the angrier and angrier it made me to be misgendered. when i was a child, someone calling me “lady” was nothing. but as i got older, hearing someone call me “lady” made me want to fucking snap their neck. i wanted to correct them so, so badly every single time, even if outing myself put me in danger.

my mother forcibly outed me as trans to the PCP doctor i was visiting, which was extremely stressful and painful for me at the time--but it turned out that the doctor’s brother was actually a trans man, and as a result he was much more friendly to me about my identity than most other doctors would be where i was living in rural nebraska. i had been struggling up to this point trying to find a place to get testosterone. the first place i went to was super gatekeep-y, where they had a policy of not calling you back to schedule an appointment if you didn’t call them repeatedly and insistently, because apparently only calling to ask for an appointment once meant that you didn’t “want it enough” to be “really trans” (never mind the fact that i have terrible phone anxiety). the second endocrinologist i tried didn’t actually prescribe HRT. it just wasn’t his thing. i drove 100 miles in bad weather to see him and he didn’t even do what i needed from him. but then i talked to the PCP my mother outed me to. i asked him to help me find a clinic where i could get testosterone. he did a quick google search and dug up a gender clinic in denver, printed out all their information for me, and told me to give them a try. now, denver was a few hours drive away from where i was living, but i had friends in colorado who would let me stay with them, so i had no problem with finding time to go to denver. in september 2019 i scheduled an appointment to go to this clinic, and they gave me a date and time and i made sure to schedule a trip to see my friends around it.

the moment i went into the clinic, i could tell that i was somewhere that would help me. the staff was mostly made up of black and latina women who were very kind to me. the patients were largely obviously GNC, transfem and transmasc alike. one of the patients in the waiting room when i went in was a person who had the brightest, most HOT PINK mohawk i’d ever seen and was wearing a tricked out leather jacket. most of the patients were also not white. i filled out their paperwork, and eventually they called me back to see the doctor.

the doctor was a nice man. he was wearing a rainbow lanyard. when he walked in, he asked me a few questions about my gender (mostly clarifying questions about my pronouns, since i said i liked both he and they pronouns and he wanted to know which of the two to use for me), listened to me discuss my gender dysphoria, and told me they were going to do a few blood tests to check my hormone levels to make sure that i didn’t have any medical problems that would get in the way of HRT. he sent me to their in-house lab, and the phlebotomist was a beautiful black woman who had a lovely laugh. i waited for a while longer in the waiting room while they ran their tests. then the doctor spoke to me again and told me that everything looked normal enough and i was cleared to start hormones. he said they had their own built-in pharmacy in the clinic where they’d send in a prescription for T and fill it the moment the insurance approval came back. this involved more waiting, but i was so excited about getting my hormones that i didn’t care. my best friend/qpp was with me at the time (they came with me for moral support since driving in denver is so fucking stressful), and i was happy enough that i was going to get my hormones that i didn’t care even if i had to wait all day.

and then, the nurses told me that i was going to do my first shot that day. they took me back into a back room with a vial of T and a needle and taught me how to do the injection. it was subcutaneous injections, so i didn’t have to worry about doing the long, scary intramuscular needle, but i still warned the nurse that i was a needlephobe and that i’d probably need to hype myself up for it quite significantly. but i was in a fuzzy state of mind at the time, too sleep-deprived to really feel any kind of fear. so the nurse told me “just pinch a bit of skin up and inject the needle halfway at an angle” and i was just like “okay!” and stuck myself immediately. the nurse was genuinely surprised.

i walked out of that clinic feeling giddy and unbelievably relieved. for the longest time i’d experienced nothing but obstacles when trying to get myself hormones. and all it took was one appointment at this gender clinic to get the prescription i needed. i was overjoyed beyond measure.

and i noticed, after i started testosterone, that my gender changed too. before i started T, i considered myself mostly non-gendered. i wanted only neutral pronouns. even if i didn’t mind certain masculine terms, i still only wanted they pronouns. but the longer i was on T, the more masculine i felt. the more male i felt. and that, truth be told, did not bother me in the least. i feel comfortable in my skin now on testosterone, more than i had ever felt before. and i’m still changing. i’ve only been on T for about a year and 2/3rds or so, and bodily changes from hormonal transition take like 5 years to complete. i have a much deeper voice now, and i’m growing facial hair, but since i still have boobs and wide hips, people still assume i’m a woman. and even then, i’m happy as who i am. i’ll probably be happier once i get top surgery, but i’m still much happier with how i look now than i ever was as a teenager.

and you know what? i’m fine being a nonbinary guy. i consider myself both nonbinary, and s a trans man, because my gender isn’t wholly male, but i still feel comfortable being seen as “a man”. for the longest time i called myself “none gender with left boy”, but now it’s more like “guy gender with left eldritch.” i like thinking of my masculinity as inherently weird, like i’m some kind of odd colorful nonhuman creature that is man-shaped and has a deep voice and a flat chest but is still unmistakably nonhuman. i have a deep love and respect for the nonbinary community all those years that i identified solely as NB, but now i realize that thanks to the testosterone, i fit in somewhere else.

and let me tell you, it fucking hurts to be on tumblr, now realizing that i am, at least partially, a guy, and seeing how trans men are treated in queer spaces, both by t/er/fs and by other queer people, even other fucking trans people. it honestly feels to me like any time a trans man tries to speak about the specific experiences he has as a trans man, you have people either being like “you’re not oppressed because you’re a man so this didn’t happen”, or you have people being like “stop trying to dominate the conversation and take the focus away from transfems!”, or you’ll have t/er/fs either calling you a gender traitor or trying to indoctrinate you so they can brainwash you into detransitioning. and god fucking help you if you’re a trans man of color. MOC are already demonized enough for their identities; trans MOC get the worst of both worlds where they’re perceived as a threat due to being not white, AND due to being a man, AND due to being trans. it’s like everyone universally hates you for what you are, and refuses to let you speak about your problems because theyre 1) not “real” problems, or 2) you’re “stealing resources” from “the people who really need it” (i.e. transfems).

and this pisses me off so fucking much. i have no interest in playing oppression olympics with anyone, let alone my fellow trans people. i don’t want to claim that i’m “more oppressed” than transfems because by and large, i have led a fairly privileged life, and i recognize that. i know that i was lucky to be born to middle class parents who didn’t abuse/neglect me, who don’t hate me for being trans, who didn’t throw me out on the street when i came out to them. i know i am not more oppressed than others, even as a fat, queer, neurodivergent nb trans man--because i am white. because i was born to middle class parents. because i was not abused or neglected. i know this. i know it very well because my mother fucking raised me on a steady flow of “you’re so lucky to have us, you’re so lucky you’re not abused, so many other people have it so much worse than you do, you should be grateful we’re not abusing you.” and she did this so fucking much, in fact, that now i have a goddam complex of “everyone else has it worse than me so i should just shut up forever and never complain about anything because i have it so easy.” so when you have other people in the trans community itself playing the oppression olympics card, acting like focusing on anyone else aside from a very narrow group of people is “taking away resources” when it’s literally just trans men talking about what they experienced throughout their lives, i really don’t understand it. i don’t hate my trans sisters. i don’t want to pick fights with them over who’s had it harder. i want to stand in solidarity with them so we are united against the people who want to hurt and kill us. so when i see people acting like trans men are somehow “decentering the important people” when they literally do nothing else aside from just tell people shit that’s happened to them, i really have to wonder why they consider trans men to be less important to the conversation. over and over i’ve been fed messages that trans men are just secretly misogynists, that they just hate trans women and that’s why trans men get fooled into becoming T/ER/F/s. like, have you considered for a moment that maybe the reason why trans men and transmasc nbs get pulled into T/ER/Fi/sm is because so, so many trans spaces are SO FUCKING HOSTILE TOWARDS US??? AND THAT T/ER/FS MIGHT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS????

idk bro. the internet’s version of feminism is just hatred of men, of any and all kinds. it is just pain turned outward against people perceived to be the problem, who are not. so many people are like “trans men are just misogynists” but being fucking real with you, most of the people in my life who have mistreated me and been cruel to me over my gender are cis fucking women. ive heard so, so many stories from other trans men about how badly the cis women in their lives mistreated them because of their gender, their transition, their appearance. i hear stories about trans men being fooled into dating t/er/fs who then mentally, physically, and sexually abused them into detransitioning. even my own fucking mother, who raised me with this feminine expectation because she so badly wanted me to be her perfect “daughter”, reacted badly to me coming out as trans, because she confessed to me at one point that it felt like i was “rejecting how [she’d] raised [me].”

i want to be happy in my body. i want to be happy in who i am. but when casual hatred of men is so fucking condoned in queer (and even trans) spaces, it makes it really fucking hard to feel happy or comfortable in any of these places. at all. hatred of men doesn’t help anyone. it hurts trans men, who don’t need to be shit on so much just for being themselves and presenting in a way that makes them happy. it hurts nb people, especially those who are masculine-presenting or masc-of-center, AFAB and AMAB alike (since so many people see AMAB nbs as just “man lite”). it hurts trans women, both in and out of the closet, because it assumes that they’re male too and that they don’t know anything about female experiences despite being women themselves. it hurts cis men because it teaches them that people are going to assume they’re inherently threatening and violent and evil, even if they’re trying their best not to be any of those things, so why bother trying to be otherwise when people already expect you to be a violent, predatory asshole? and fuck, this whole bullshit of “men bad women good” doesn’t even help cis women either, because it fools them into believing all women are inherently safe, making it easier for female abusers to take advantage of them because “i’m a soft pretty girl uwu i could never hurt you like those bad evil dirty violent men could. how could i possibly hurt you. im just a sweet innocent girl uwu.”

like you can say “men aren’t oppressed for being men” all you want, but that doesn’t stop people from hurting and abusing and even killing trans men, queer men, men of color, neurodivergent men, disabled men, etc. and if you don’t believe that these intersections can intensify their oppression just because they’re men, then i really don’t know what to fucking tell you. trans men both queer and straight are shit on for being men because cis people see us as sad, broken failed women and other trans people see us as threatening and dangerous stealers of resources. cis queer men are shit on for not being “real” men and will be called things like “sissy” and “f*g” for not conforming to traditional cishet masculinity. men of color are seen as inherently threatening and dangerous just for existing as men and POC simultaneously. and disabled and neurodivergent men are also seen as “not real men” because they can’t perform to some arbitrary standard of able-bodied masculinity imposed on them by neurotypicals, for being “weird”, for not being “tough enough”, for their behavior being seen as threatening just because neurotypical people can’t understand what they’re doing, for having accommodation needs that people don’t want to meet because it’s inconvenient for them. sure, a white, cishet, neurotypical, able-bodied man is not going to be “oppressed” for being a man. this particular type of man will live a “privileged” life. but just acting like all men have no problems period and that their problems aren’t “real” problems just because they’re not women is NOT going to make men stop and go “wow maybe i’m being an asshole” when confronted about misogyny or whatever, it’s going to make them get defensive and double down. you don’t start a conversation with someone by telling them that their life was so easy and they don’t know what real problems are. if you REALLY want to open people’s eyes to misogyny (and transmisogyny), the way of doing that is NOT by shitting all over all men and acting like they’re all evil bastards who’ve never known what it’s like to be oppressed. and i hate how the phrase “not all men” has turned into an invite to be dogpiled and abused, especially when you’re talking about trans men or queer men or MOC, because clearly you’re just a dumb evil man trying to mansplain misogyny to the righteous, pure cis women who are clearly the only group of people on the planet who’ve ever experienced any kind of gender-based oppression at all.

i am an nb trans man. i am trans and nb and a man. and i am sick and tired of seeing trans men be mistreated. me talking about my issues is NOT “stealing resources” from transfems. me talking about my experiences with misogyny and toxic beauty standards is not “taking” anything away from anyone. i am not “dominating the conversation” just for talking about my life. i am not a threat to other trans people just for fucking existing as a man. i want my voice to be heard--not at the expense of others, but i’m tired of other voices being elevated at the expense of my voice. iim not demanding that all the resources be funneled to trans men. i’m not asking for trans women and transfems to be listened to and respected and validated less. i just want trans men to have an equal seat at the table. i just want us to be told that we are welcome specifically because we are trans and men, because our community should welcome all trans people. i’m not going to ever play oppression olympics with anyone because i will always, always lose that fight, but i don’t have to be the most oppressed person in a discussion for my voice to deserve to be heard. i have struggled my entire life with my identity, both gender and sexuality wise, and i am just sick and fucking tired of people telling me that i’m wrong for whatever reason for doing this or that or the next thing when i’m just existing as myself. i’m not fucking hurting anyone. i live a pretty blessed life compared to others, considering my parents and some of my other family have no problem financially supporting me while i grapple with my ADHD and depression. i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: i’m not asking to take away resources from anyone. i just want trans men to be listened to and elevated too. our voices are also important. we contribute to the trans experience too. we go through systemic oppression too. and it’s not unfair or threatening for me to say “hey, i’m not trying to take away from your problems, but i also want to talk about what i’m going through and be validated for it too.” it’s not like by validating transfems, we cannot validate anyone else in the entire community. it’s not “mom says it’s my turn on the valid” here. we can uplift each other without taking from each other. and the amount of casually condoned hatred of men i’ve seen is fucking exhausting. it hurts every single time i see it. it’s fucking r/a/d/fe/m rhetoric too, this idea that all men are inherently bad. and seeing people espouse it uncritically hurts pretty much everyone.

i guess what i’m saying is, that i’ve had a long life journey to get to this point of being happy with who i am. and i refuse to let people tear me down for it just because they’ve swallowed too much t/er/f rhetoric to understand that this casual, pervasive hatred of men hurts everyone. it hurts trans and cis men. it hurts trans and cis women. it hurts nb people of all kinds, masc-aligned, fem-aligned, and unaligned, transfem and transmasc alike. it doesn’t do anything but wank the oppression boner of angry cis women who think that trans women/transfems are the root of all evil and that trans men/transmascs are just gender traitors that need to be raped and psychologically abused until they accept that they’re “really women”. i don’t want to steal anything from anyone. i just want to be listened to and told that my experiences matter. and our community is really not doing that right now, and it’s bullshit.

trans men, transmasc nbs, i love you. i love all of us. we are not “dangerous”, we are not “threatening”, we’re not “stealing resources” just for fucking existing and asking to be heard. we are amazing people, choosing to fight for our identities in a world that would strip us of all our agency. we deserve to be happy. we deserve to be loved. and if no one else is going to do it, i’ll love us anyway.

#sye's babbles #trans stuff #extremely long rant pardon me

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