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reconstructwriter · 2 months ago

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Lemon Blueberry Bread Pudding

Sorry, this is a little late but here’s your requested pics @charmwasjess! For everyone who needs some virtual comfort food for any reason what so ever…

[Alt Text: A skillet with blueberries studding a lemon-flavored bread pudding, baked to golden brown deliciousness]

I took out the last two slices of my mom’s lemon and blueberry cake from the freezer. It's about a year old now? Remained shockingly untouched so it needed repurposing. So did the dregs from the bag of twice baked lemon-blueberry cookies. This was enough to fill a 6-inch skillet, which is a good size to cry over alone or share with a friend.

[Alt Text: A cast iron skillet of cake and cookie chunks beside a plate of thawing blueberries]

For the wet ingredients I decided to halve my favorite bread pudding recipe because I calculated a the six inch skillet would be about half of an 8 by 8 square.

I'm not quite as good at math as I thought. No matter how hard I tried to cram all the liquid in there. This was a good use for that last shriveled lonely lemon which was just about ready to give up. I didn't want to wash a lemon juicer as well so I just used my hands and fished out all the lemon seeds afterwards. I'm sure I got them all 😊

[Alt Text: A small blue bowl with liquid ingredients stirred together with a fork]

Also stuffed some more blueberries in between all the cake and cookie bits. More blueberries is always better. I've got a bag of mixed frozen fruit so I just picked the blueberries out and thawed them. Once everything is nice and stale and arranged to my weird aesthetic appeal, I did what they say to do in every recipe and added wet ingredients to dry. The liquid was fairly thick so I had to move a few cake bits around and everything to get the liquid at the bottom so it could stick to the skillet. I probably should have at least buttered the skillet but I forgot (as always).

[Alt Text: A skillet of uncooked bread pudding almost overflowing with liquid and a few blueberries peaking out like islands]

Yup, I miscalculated. Eh, its fine. Exact science bread pudding is not. I also like em cause I can soak them overnight, shove the pan in the oven first thing in the morning, turn it on and go out for a walk. By the time I'm done walking breakfast (dessert) is done. I have yet to set even my oven on fire with this method. Putting a tray on the rack below to catch any drippings is a good idea though.

[Alt Text: A skillet with blueberries studding a lemon-flavored bread pudding, baked to golden brown deliciousness]

OMG this is so good y'all. I ate it almost as soon as it came out of the oven and this is amazing 10/10 I don't care if I'm burning my mouth. Everyone have some!

Actual Recipe: • 2.5 slices of stale/dry lemon-blueberry cake or whatever bread-type stuff you don't want to throw out. • more blueberries if you can get them • 1 pat butter, melted • one egg • ¾ cup of dairy (I used half lemon yogurt and half almond milk but whatever y’all got) • 1/3 a cup of sugar (or orange jam, or lemon curd) • one lemon’s worth of juice • half a teaspoon of vanilla extract

Instructions: RIP the bread or bread adjacent stuff until you have enough to fill a 6 inch skillet or pan or whatever you're using to bake this. Stuff in as much blueberries as you can. You can double the recipe for an 8-inch pan or quadruple it for 13x9.

Put the butter in a microwave safe bowl for a few seconds to melt, add egg next and beat. Then the sugar, your yogurt if you're using it and then finally finish off with other liquids, the lemon juice and extract. You don't have to do the ingredients this way but I've found this is the easiest way of mixing everything smoothly and leaves the fewest dirty dishes.

Add liquid ingredients to your pan of dry ingredients and let everything soak in. Preheat the oven to 350 and bake until its golden brown and delicious, about 30 minutes or you can put the pan in as soon as you turn on the oven and wait about 45 minutes. As long as it looks done.

The other good thing about bread puddings is they're very versatile so just about any bread substance and any liquid you can combine for whatever flavors you want. I've done regular, apple-pumpkin- cranberry and coconut-pineapple-lime!

#lemon #blueberry #bread pudding #cooking #baking #distraction from current events #food #dessert #have some virtual sweets y'all

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volublelemur · 1 year ago

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my favorite berry ever is now in season I need jars so I can make jam for the first time ever !!!

I'm not 100% sure of the species but I know for sure theyre huckleberries which are native to where I live !

I think there's at least ten of these large berry bushes I can get to

based off their appearance I believe these plants are:

Cascade huckleberry, Cascade bilberry, or blue huckleberry (Vaccinium deliciosum)

i think they taste better than the mountain ones which are bigger/juicer and thus preferred by most farmers :/

hopefully this year I don't send myself to the er picking them lol

these plants don't have horns I just tripped, fell down a hill, and landed on my knees in the street

#plant tag

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apolloendymion · 2 years ago

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Apollo's Amazing Autumn Apple Cider Recipe 🍂🍏🎃🍄🕯️

This recipe got me a boyfriend, use its power wisely.

Makes about 3.5 L, concentrated. Depending on how strong you like it, this could be around 14-28 servings.

Tools:

stockpot, 6-quart size

potato masher

fine mesh strainer

Optional: citrus juicer, zester, apple corer/peeler/slicer, cheesecloth

Ingredients:

6 apples (variety is up to you! I use half of a sweet variety like gala, and half sour like granny smith)

1 orange (navel is most common where I live, but any good juicing variety is fine)

6 oz fresh cranberries

6 slices fresh ginger

8 cinnamon sticks

1 Tbsp whole cloves

1 Tbsp allspice

1/2 Tbsp anise or fennel

1/2 Tbsp nutmeg

1/2 Tbsp cardamom

32 oz brown sugar

Optional: 1 box cinnamon imperial candies (aka Red Hots), baking soda and lemon juice/apple cider vinegar to correct acidity

Steps:

1. Core and slice apples and add to the pot. It's best if you peel them (and I like eating the peels lol), but not strictly necessary.

2. Zest the orange, if desired, and discard the pith. You can add zest to the cider for a more orangey "zing," but I prefer to use it in sorbet with raspberries and basil :) Juice the orange and add the juice to the pot.

3. Add the cranberries, ginger, and enough water to fully cover the ingredients. Bring to a boil.

4. Once the mixture is boiling, stir, reduce heat to low, and cover. Simmer 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

5. Turn off the heat and mash the mixture with your potato masher. It doesn't need to be applesauce, but make sure all berries and apple chunks have been smushed at least once by your mighty hand. Revel in your power as the vindictive God of the Apples.

6. Add the spices and enough water to fill the pot with an inch of room. Bring to a boil, cover, and simmer for another 2 hours, stirring occasionally.

7. Turn off the heat. Add the sugar in 8 ounce increments, tasting as you go. I always use the full bag, but I like it sweet.

8. If you want more spice, I can't recommend cinnamon imperials enough. Cinnamaldehyde is the chemical in cinnamon that gives it that "kick," and cinnamon imperials are a cheap way to get your hands on lots of it. Add 5, let them fully dissolve, and taste before adding more. I usually add 10 total, but my spice tolerance is low.

9. If the mixture is too sour, you can add baking soda 1 tsp at a time. Make sure it stops bubbling completely, then stir, taste again, and add more if needed. Do the same with a 1/2 Tbsp of lemon juice or apple cider vinegar to make it more sour.

10. Strain the cider into a container. I strain once with just the mesh, then a second time with the cheesecloth over the mesh. That second step is optional; most mesh strainers will do a perfectly good job on their own.

11. Serve hot or cold, straight or diluted 1:1 with water (like I said, it's pretty concentrated). Store in the fridge.

Fun twists to add: ginger beer, caramel sauce, maple syrup, lemon juice, thyme/rosemary syrup, extra cinnamon imperials

Garnish suggestions: whole cloves, cinnamon sticks, star anise, allspice berries, apple slices, lemon/orange slices, zest, thyme/rosemary sprig, lemon balm/mint/basil leaves

Alcohol ideas: rum, bourbon, whiskey, applejack, triple sec, mojito fixings, moscow mule fixings, anything cinnamon or apple flavored, and my favorite: fireball 😁

Enjoy!

#apple cider #fall recipes #autumn recipes #recipe

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xxgalacticambitionsxx · 2 years ago

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Dr Hare

favorite thing about them: I like the bunny motif, and the pink. Pink is a good color least favorite thing about them: he wasn't that much of a threat on any of the islands he was on favorite line: "When we catch our guest, I'd like to give them a -heh, heh- hands-on look at our giant juicer" from poptropica worlds brOTP: I think he and Black Widow talk sometimes. mostly because i headcanon them both to be trans OTP: He and Bard are kinda cute together nOTP: I don't really ever hate ships all that much random headcanon: He's probably short. Probably the same height as my mom. (she's 5'4) unpopular opinion: 24 carrot didn't deserve that many remakes song i associate with them: i don't think about him all too often, tbh, so i got nothin favorite picture of them: They're hangin out :)

#dr hare #poptropica

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thornescratch · 3 years ago

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🖊🌙 😐📝

What time of day do you prefer to write? Why?

Late at night, more out of necessity than preference. It’s when I have the least amount of interruptions. Also, it’s a proven fact that the words flow best and hardest when you need to be sleeping or getting ready for bed. It’s just how it works in the universal scheme of things.

What embarrasses you most about your own writing?

When I realize that I’m projecting too much on a character or situation and making it obvious. Like, there are some tropes I don’t mind revisiting over and over, but I get twitchy when I realize, Oops, that’s my issue, not Character X’s, and it’s less realistic they’d feel that way. Or when I catch myself reusing a description or phrase too often. I need to stop limning people in gold; I do it way too often. Or focusing on sweat in weird places during sex scenes. Though, it’s my experience that you do always notice the sweat during sexytimes.

Sometimes it embarrasses me how appealing I find some really OOC or over the top trashy stuff, but everyone’s got their favorite woobie and tropes, so I’ve stopped feeling bad about that.

What is one growth area you have for your writing?

Pacing. I do outline, but for a couple of my stories that were written for exchanges, you can tell where I hit deadline and had to just get it done instead of having a few more scenes or length that might have improved it. (Or, conversely, I should have been more brutal and cut shit that I liked but which ultimately wasn’t necessary. But then again, it’s fanfic.)

Also, uh, just finishing shit. And feeling less silly about it. I don’t like posting WIPs because I like to finish them first, but then I get interested in something else or I think it’s not good enough to post, and it languishes on my hard drive for years.

Post a snippet from a current WIP.

Again, not sure what fandom you're from, so let's go back to hockey since I have it open right now.

"Hey, hi, so like, O and Backy turned into chickens, it's not my fault," Willy said, standing on his front step with a large cardboard box in his arms.

"It's his fault," Burky said from somewhere behind Willy.

"Totally Whip fault," someone else—Kuzy? said, also from behind Willy, who took up a lot of space on a normal basis and even more so when he was apparently hauling boxes around. One arm poked out from behind him and waved wildly, and then there was an unmistakable giggle, so it was definitely Kuzy. "Batya, let us in."

"Fuck you, it's not!" Willy said, and then hoisted the cardboard box up slightly. The box peeped at Brooks loudly, and he jerked back in surprise. "Here, let us in, lemme just explain," Willy added, and then Brooks had three—no, four, no, five, Djoos and Orlov were apparently quietly lurking at the back of the pack as well—teammates stampeding into his house like they were trying to outrun the cloud of youthful indiscretion that Brooks could just fucking see hanging over them.

"Curse my slow door-slamming skills," he said to his now-empty front step, and then closed the door and took a deep breath in order to prepare for whatever the hell was going on.

Most of them were all in his kitchen. Willy had put the box down on the kitchen table and he and Burky were in his pantry; Kuzy was looking in his fridge; he didn't see Djoos; and Snarls, bless his heart, was the only one being polite and standing near one of the chairs, clearly waiting for permission to sit down. Brooks made a mental note to tell Ovi about it, since Ovi believed in positive reinforcement when it came to nurturing the kids, and would probably buy Dima a new car or something.

The box on the table was still peeping. Before Brooks could deal with that, it was drowned out by an even louder noise, which was apparently directly related to Kuzy pawing through his vegetable crisper drawer.

"Batya! It's terrible!" Kuzy said, leaning out of the fridge and brandishing an eggplant at him.

"All of his crackers are wholegrain stuff," Burky called out from the pantry, muffled. "He doesn't have any chips."

"He's got two bags of Skinny Pop, though," Willy added. "Original and White Cheddar."

"Everything so healthy," Kuzy said, making a face. "It's terrible but I guess also good. I know we make best choice to come here."

Brooks took the eggplant away from Kuzy and slapped it against his palm once with a pleasantly solid noise. It had some good heft. "The last person who isn't sitting down at the table quietly in the next fifteen seconds gets to explain to Barry why they have to go on LTIR because someone beat them senseless with an eggplant."

"Like, a real eggplant, or is this a dick joke," Willy said, leaning out of the pantry before his eyes went wide. "Oh."

Kuzy was already opening his mouth with that glint in his eye again, so Brooks pointed the eggplant at him. "Sit. Down. Where's Juicer?"

"I was using the bathroom, please don't hit me," Djoos said meekly, slipping back into the kitchen and sitting down immediately, hands folded on top of the table neatly like a good little d-man. Brooks made another mental note to let Nicky know. Nicky had his own nurturing system for the kids, though that usually ran along the lines of a series of slightly less murderous than usual glares that he used for those currently in his favor.

"Can we bring some Skinny Pop?" Burky asked. "Actually, can we bring both bags?"

"I mean, actually you wouldn't really need to explain so much—" Willy said, and then Burky wiggled past him out of the narrow pantry doors with a bag stowed under each arm, and dove for the table, yelling out, "Hit him, Batya, hit him!"

"Hey!" Willy said indignantly, rushing after him and almost knocking Kuzy over in the process.

There was a briefly chaotic interval like a particularly violent game of musical chairs, but it ended with everyone sitting down in a chair, even if Burky and Djoos were sharing one. Less sharing, maybe, than Burky getting physically dumped out of two chairs in quick succession by Willy and Dima, and then Burky climbing into Djoos's lap, planting himself there, and winding his arms around Djoos's neck despite Djoos's wide-eyed expression of panic, but Brooks decided he couldn't afford to be too particular about it, and Djoos was just going to have to learn to desensitize himself to Burky-induced boners and personal space issues.

The box was still peeping.

Brooks eyed all of them, trying to decide who he had the best chance of getting the story out of the quickest, and then decided that he might as well give up on that and picked Willy, since he had a distinctly guilty expression that was only slightly marred by how he was currently shoving a double handful of Brooks's Skinny Pop into his mouth. "Willy. Explain. And no one else talk until I say they can."

Willy swallowed and licked his lips. "Okay, so. Magic."

After a minute when nothing else seemed to be forthcoming, Brooks cleared his throat. "That's it? That's all you got?"

Willy glanced around the table where all of his teammates were successfully avoiding his gaze (Kuzy and Dima were both pretending to read the nutritional info on the back of the popcorn bag; Burky was actually hiding his face against Djoos's neck; accordingly, Djoos's panic looked like it had ratcheted up by several degrees, and he was staring off into the middle distance with a muscle twitching in his cheek) and when it seemed obvious that no help was forthcoming, he shrugged. "Kinda?"

#I think this is the last one #meme #writing #fanfic

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milkmadeicecream · 5 years ago

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Key Lime Pie Ice Cream

I knew I was doing my job right at MilkMade when I could make a recipe for a flavor of ice cream that I didn’t like, but I still knew it was good. That’s what Key Lime Pie was for me. Though not MY favorite flavor, it definitely was one of yours. It’s one of the most lauded Seasonal ‘Screams we had and the second most requested recipe.

The secret to our key lime pie ice cream is simple: Steve’s Authentic Key Lime Pies. If you know, you know. Steve’s is a Brooklyn-based producer of truly authentic key lime pies. Steve and his wife Victoria run a small operation at the very end of Van Dyke street, right on the water in Red Hook, Brooklyn. In front of their bakery they have a small (smaller than MilkMade small) take-out counter where you’re transported to the Florida Keys the moment you walk through the door. The decor is as authentic as their pies, which they make using only fresh squeezed key limes they source from Mexico (where most key limes are grown now, but Steve is trying to put some key limes back in the Keys). Since 2011, when I first released this flavor for Members, we’ve partnered with Steve’s to source not only their amazing pies, but also their fresh squeezed juice. They made it easy for us.

Steve’s is open for takeout and soon will resume it’s online shipping across the US. Because I’ve just relocated to California to be near family, I couldn't get my hands on a pie so I made this flavor without the mix-in (but the recipe for Steve’s Key Lime Pie is included below).

Definitely use key limes if you can get your hands on them - they are less acidic, a bit sweeter, and more aromatic than regular limes. And DEFINITELY juice your own limes either way (as annoying as it is with the tiny key limes!). As Steve says, “no bottled mystery juice.” Here we go:

Ingredients: 2 c cream 1 c milk 1 c sugar 4 egg yolks ⅛ tsp salt ¼ c lime juice 2 tsp lime zest

Instructions: 1. Cook ¼ c of the sugar, the lime juice and zest over medium heat. Bring to a boil, stirring until sugar has dissolved. Transfer to a bowl and allow to cool.

2. In a separate medium saucepan, heat milk, cream, remaining sugar (¾ c), and salt over medium heat, stirring regularly until sugar is dissolved.

3. Separately, whisk together the egg yolks in a small bowl. Once the cream mixture begins to simmer, gradually pour some (like ¼ cup) of the mixture into the egg yolks, whisking the yolks constantly as you pour. Then scrape the warmed yolks back into the saucepan, whisking constantly.

4. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly and scraping the bottom until the custard thickens enough to coat the spatula or it reaches 160°F.

5. Pour the custard through a strainer into the bowl of lime simple syrup. Pour a little at a time and whisk thoroughly until incorporated. Place bowl over an ice bath and stir until cool. Refrigerate to chill thoroughly (8 hrs or preferably overnight).

6. Whisk then strain the custard to remove lime zest. Push the zest with your spatula to remove any excess liquid. Freeze the base in your ice cream maker according to manufacturer’s instructions.

7. Scoop ice cream into a freezer-safe container, adding chunks of frozen key lime pie (about 5 pieces per pint). Place in freezer to set (about 4 hours).

Mix-in: Steve’s Authentic Key Lime Pie Courtesy of Steve Tarpin via Food Network

Ingredients: Crust: 8 oz graham crackers, crushed 4 oz butter, melted

Filling: 1 c canned sweetened condensed milk, chilled 4 egg yolks*, cold ½ c key lime juice, cold

Instructions: 1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.

2. To make the crust, combine the ingredients in a bowl and mix well for 2 minutes. Mold the mixture into a greased, 10-inch pie shell and bake for 8 minutes or until golden brown. Remove the crust from the oven and allow to cool.

3. To make the filling, combine the milk and the egg yolks and mix well. Slowly add the key lime juice and mix just until incorporated. Do not overmix or the pie will not set-up in the refrigerator. Pour the mix into the pre-baked pie shell and refrigerate until set.

4. For the ice cream mix-in, place pie in freezer for at least an hour until hardened. Remove from freezer and cut into 1” cubes. Place in freezer until ready to mix-into ice cream.

*Consumption of raw or undercooked eggs, shellfish and meat may increase the risk of foodborne illness.

Some notes (and pics) from Diana: * With my very old school juicer, it took about 15 key limes to yield 1/4c of juice (I ended up hand-squeezing them, check out this juicer). It took just shy of 3 key limes to yield 2 tsp of zest.

* To zest your key limes, you’ll want to use a very fine grater - a microplane is perfect. Make sure you do not zest too hard to get to the rind. You want just the lime skin, the green part. Example of the right (left) and wrong (right) way is below.

* Making ice cream with fruit can be difficult because there is so much variability with every piece of fruit. When I made this recipe at home, I tasted the base after combining the lime simple syrup with the custard. It didn’t taste quite there (and I knew it wouldn’t get there - I’ve tasted lots of key lime bases!). So I ended up adding whatever zest I had left from my three zested key limes (an additional ~1/2 tsp whisked right into the base). It worked out great though was very close to being too bitter (because of too much zest). With fruity flavors, I recommend tasting as you go and adjusting your recipe based on taste. Keep in mind the base should always taste a little too sweet and a little too strong in flavor. Once frozen, the sweetness and the flavor will not be as strong.

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hms-chill · 5 years ago

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Mother’s Day

Summary: Six snapshots of three Mother's days across the years.

2005, Edinburgh, Scotland Henry's got his mum's hand in one of his and a massive picnic basket he'd insisted he could carry in the other. Bea and Philip have run ahead, and Henry's starting to envy their freedom, but he refuses to make their mum carry a picnic basket on a day that's supposed to be all about looking after her. But then he feels a hand in his hair, and another taking the basket for him, and he turns to see his dad, an easy grin on his face and his guitar slung over his back. "Look at you, all grown up and helping your mum. Were you good for her today?" Henry beams. Arthur's been out on a set for hours; he's still got bits of makeup on his face and some product in his hair. Henry thinks it makes him look like a superhero. "I was really, really good!" "Is that right? Cat, was Henry really, really good today?"

"He was," Catherine says, grinning. "All three of them have been wonderful. They were all big helps getting things ready for our picnic."

Henry grins, and newly freed of the weight of the picnic basket, he runs up to join Philip and Bea while his parents share a kiss above his head. Catherine calls to them to stay within eyesight as the family make their way out of Holyrood and up toward Arthur's Seat. The kids fall back a bit as it gets steeper and they get tired, but they make it to the top of the Salisbury Crags and Arthur lays out their picnic while the kids pick flowers, Bea and Philip handing their considerably larger boquetes to Henry so that he can be the one to present them to their mum. After dinner, Arthur gets out his guitar and plays, cycling through some of Catherine's favorites and teaching the kids "Loch Lomond" so they'll be ready when they visit the loch tomorrow. As it starts to get darker, they pack up and finish the climb to the top of Arthur's Seat, and Bea takes pictures of their parents, then a PPO takes pictures of their family as the sun sets behind them, and Henry is so happy he can hardly believe it. 2005, Washington, DC Alex is awake first, and for a second, he's not sure where he is. It's brighter than his bedroom, with whiter walls and a window without any real curtains yet. But then he rolls over, and June is still asleep in a twin bed across the room, and the cars outside are too loud, and it all comes back. They're in Washington, DC. They're visiting their parents for Mother's Day, and they're going to see all the places they work, but first, he and June have something planned. He hops out of his bed and into hers, shaking her awake despite her grumbles. "June! June, June, June. Get up, get up, get up. We have to make breakfast!" Their dad has promised to help them if they need it, but Alex and June decided last night that, at eight and eleven, they're grown up enough to do it themselves. Alex has been helping his dad pour and flip pancakes since he could reach the griddle, and June's been sitting on the counter pushing oranges into a juicer for as long as he can remember. Between the two of them, surely they can put something together. When Oscar comes in, he finds the kids in the middle of a whispered, but very heated, discussion about what exactly the instructions on the side of the box mean. They're both furiously mixing their own pancake batter in different bowls. June's looks better, but Alex refuses to give up. Oscar just laughs, and he helps fix Alex's so that it looks right, and then Alex shapes and flips pancakes while June makes orange juice and Oscar makes bacon and coffee. June finds a tray and she puts a yellow rose on one corner to make it look pretty. Once everything is assembled, Oscar disappears upstairs to make sure Ellen is actually in bed when the kids come to "wake her up" with breakfast in bed. She's been awake for a few hours at least, answering emails and drafting meeting agendas, but she can climb back into bed and let the kids think they've surprised her. Oscar snaps a picture of the three of them, Ellen grinning with a kid under each arm and the breakfast laid out in front of her, and it all feels perfect. 2020, London, England

Mother's Day is rainy, but that feels right. Henry writes a card for his mum, and they all have lunch together, but it's not right. Mother's Day used to be a day Arthur would always make sure he wasn't working, and he'd plan them something fun and exciting to do. But now, Catherine doesn't want to visit the London Eye or go to Holyrood or even take them to the V&A. She just wants to have a nice family lunch, so they have one, and Henry takes the barbs from Philip and his gran so that he doesn't ruin things for his mum. She wants them to get along for the day, so he doesn't fight back. He sits, and he's civil when Philip suggests casually that the public might be excited about a new royal suitor, and how great it would be for their public image if either Henry or Bea started dating. Henry sits quietly while his gran hints that he's been taking a bit too long to decide what to do with himself, and Philip all but outright says that he should be enlisting soon. He sits, and he eats his food, and he resists every urge to fight back or argue.

But after lunch, when their mum's back in her room and Philip is headed back to Anmer, Henry and Bea find their way to the music room. Bea gets her guitar, plucking out a few chords of "Loch Lomond" as Henry settles on the other end of the sofa with his phone. She hums what should be the lyrics "I'll be in Scotland afore you/ but me and my true love will never meet again", and Henry pretends he doesn't know the words. A few minutes of quiet chords later, he looks up from his phone to say, "hey, Bea? Happy Mother's Day. I... I know you didn't really ask for any of this, but I'm... you've been sort of a mum for me for the past few years, and I... I really appreciate it. I love you."

She puts down the guitar to hug him, and he asks, "do you think Mum will get better?"

"I'm... I'm not sure. I hope so. But we've got each other, alright? Whatever happens."

He nods, and that night, they sneak out together to eat Jaffa cakes and Cornettos in a courtyard outside the V&A. Bea brings her guitar, and she plays their parents' favorites, and Henry hopes that wherever their dad is, he's doing something special to help their mom feel loved.

2020, Washington, DC

Alex and June are planning on a traditional Mother's Day, one where they make their mom breakfast and she pretends to be surprised. But Alex is mid-pancake when Ellen appears in the kitchen to grab a muffin and tell them both she loves them and she's sorry, but something's come up and she's got to take a video call. She'll be ready for breakfast as soon as she can be, and she'll meet them when she can.

After an hour, Alex and June eat cold pancakes with warm orange juice alone. June's trying to be happy, but her mouth is doing that thing it does when she's disappointed, but not surprised. Alex is used to that look being directed at him after ignored texts and too-late nights. But it's Mother's Day, and they should be happy, even if their mom is busy. So he picks off the thorns and tucks the yellow rose behind her ear, then he steals her coffee and pancakes to put them on the tray and carry everything out to the Truman Balcony, June following him with half-hearted complaints. When their mom and Leo join them half an hour later, they've saved some pancakes and juice, and Ellen gets to spend at least half an hour as a mom before she's called back to the presidency, Leo promising her a nice dinner if she can find time in her schedule.

At least it's better than last year. Last year, Ellen had been pulled away from breakfast the moment she'd sat down and had been busy for the rest of the day. June had been upset for the rest of the day, and Alex had had to try and keep her company, at least, and the whole day had been hard. Mother's Day has been hard for the past few years, more about finding a semblance of family time than about actually celebrating their mom. But they've found some time today, and June's still smiling, and Leo looks proud and their mom doesn't seem to stressed. So, all in all, it could be worse.

2025, London, England

Tradition demands that they invite Mary to their Mother's Day brunch, so she is invited. She comes, and Alex thinks it might just be to spite them. But after the brunch, she's complaining about her joints. She goes back to Buckingham, and the Fox-Mountchirsten-Windsor children are urging them all into a van, sharing conspiratorial glances and grins as Philip talks to a driver and Bea pulls out a blindfold.

"Mum, we've got a surprise, so we're going to blindfold you after a bit, alright?" Catherine laughs and agrees, and Alex looks at Martha, who looks just as surprised as he is. Philip reveals a blindfold for her, too, arguing that since she's pregnant, she's technically a mother and deserves to be celebrated as one. Catherine agrees immediately, grinning at Martha. So, an hour and a half later, the moms are being blindfolded, but Alex is free to look out the window as the ban pulls into a small seaside town. They drive through it, stopping to park near a beach. Henry takes his mom's hands and Philip takes Martha's as Bea hands Alex a picnic basket, and they make their way to a picnic table on the beach before the blindfolds are removed. Catherine sees the picnic basket, and she grins.

"We... We thought maybe we could go for a hike, since that's what we always did growing up," Henry says.

“It’s not a long one, but Mazzy, if you’re not feeling up for it we’ll stay in town and enjoy the beach, or we can only go part way,” Philip says.

“Happy mother’s day, Mum. It… it’s good to have you back, and we love you,” Bea tells her.

"And you too, Martha. You're the best decision Philip ever made," Henry says, and Philip nods, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing her cheek, then the baby bump just starting to make an appearance against her shirt. They have a happy lunch, one where they're not all being careful to do things just right or keep an uptight grandmother happy. Then, Martha feels alright to hike, so she and Philip join them. They take things slowly, resting at a halfway point for Bea to play guitar and the six of them to take a break, Philip making sure Martha's doing alright and Henry passing out some of the treats Alex's family sent with him. And it's good. It's really, really good.

2025, Austin, Texas

Alex wakes up early on Mother's Day in his childhood home, wrapped around Henry in a bed that's probably too small for the two of them to share. He can hear June's alarm from across the hall, and he knows it's time. He presses a kiss to Henry's forehead, then gets up and meets June in the hall, both grinning. This is the first Mother’s Day where they get Regular Mom instead of President Mom, and they’re going to make it the best Mother’s Day yet.

Breakfast is routine by now; Alex starts pancake batter while June squeezes orange juice, then moves on to cooking eggs and bacon as Alex flips pancakes on the griddle. Henry wanders into the kitchen, talking on the phone as he wraps his arms around Alex. The coffee's ready, and there are three stacks of pancakes: blueberry, chocolate chip, and plain. Their mom will take one of each, and Leo will refuse anything but plain while Alex takes chocolate and June does blueberry. Alex wonders which one Henry will pick, thrilled that his boyfriend gets to join them. He's not sure who decided that England and the US should have different Mother's Days, but he's glad.

"Good morning," Henry says, hanging up and pressing a kiss to Alex's forehead.

"Morning. Things going alright at the shelter?" Henry's arranged to have moms who can't be with their kids visit the youth shelter today, to love the kids a little extra and get loved themselves. He’s left Pez in charge of it, and apparently, it’s all off to a good start.

When breakfast is ready, June brings over the tray with servings of eggs, bacon, juice, and coffee, complete with the yellow rose. Alex adds a plate of their mom's favorite pancakes, then he and Henry grab the rest of the food and bring it to their mom's room, where it's been Leo's job to make sure she actually relaxes this morning. She'd jumped into charity work the minute she left office, and they've all agreed she deserves to take a break for once. She doesn't know it, but she and Leo are going on vacation tomorrow, and he and the kids are refusing to let her bring any work with her. She’s been working for eight years straight; she deserves to relax for a bit.

She pretends to be surprised about the breakfast as the kids find spots around the room to settle down so they can eat together. Ellen's relaxed for the first Mother's Day in eight years, and she's going to spend the whole day with them for the first time in ages, if ever. They're planning on a day in, full of card and board games. Alex is going to help her grill for dinner, and they've all made a pact not to wear anything but pajamas all day. And, for the first time since she was president, Alex is convinced it's going to be a good Mother's Day.

On AO3

Notes:

Earlier today, I was like "yeah I kinda want to write a parent fic but I don't know", and then the discord chat (especially Gina over at @saltfics) was like "DO IT" and so I ignored my final essay and did this instead. -

Want to support the Hannah Makes Art fund? You can tip me a ko-fi here!

#rwrb #red white and royal blue #henry fox mountchristen windsor x alex claremont diaz #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #rwrb fic #my fic: rwrb #firstprince

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chaoticgabby · 5 years ago

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My Cheap & Relatively Healthy Grocery List for College Students

Context: I had been used to eating fast food so much because it was cheap that when I went to the doctors' they said I had high glucose content. That wasnt good. So I started eating healthier. Anyway let's skip the BS and get straight into it:

Ramen: the OG cheap food. I personally don't own ramen bc I dont like it that much, but if you want to save money this is the meal, at least add an egg or some veggies to make it healthier.

Frozen Veggies: anywhere from 50 cents to a dollar or two a bag. Can easily be kept in your freezer (if you have one) for months

Mac n' cheese: my all-time favorite. Of course, it might not be healthy for everyone to eat pasta all the time, but I do it anyway. Add some real cheese and spices for taste or chicken and veggies in it / on the side.

Other Pasta boxes (Pasta Roni, Velveeta, Hamburger Helper, etc.): basically as cheap or almost as cheap as Kraft macaroni, but maybe you arent a fan of mac n cheese.

Soup (Soup!!): Cambell's Tomato soup is often $1 a can. I like to eat mine with grilled cheese. Thats a whole ass meal. But of course you can get other soups just as cheap. Basically, any canned foods.

Canned foods & veggies: this one goes without saying. Although, the better options are sometimes $2 to $3 the same can be said for frozen veggies, but just heat these up and cook them in fried rice or just add butter and eat them aside a nice entré

Chunk light tuna: speaking of canned foods, canned tuna is soooo cheap and is a great option (if you even like tuna). Dont actually get the "pack tuna" for $1 a pack unless you want to keep it in your bag bc canned tuna is around 60 cents a can. Mix it with Miracle Whip (or mayo) and spread it over break for a good sammich.

Grilled cheese (or cheese toastie if you arent American I think??): similar to previous options, youre getting your cheese and your butter and your bread. Not as healthy as other options but way better than fast food calories.

Quesadillas: similar to grilled cheese, except spICY. My brother only eats these and he has no meal plan. I do it now too. Honestly, adding up tortillas, cheese dip, shredded cheese, & chicken is kind of costly but worth it. Also cooking chicken is annoying bc I dont have time for that. But. Yknow. A great option.

Pillsbury Crescents: a little costly, about $2+ per tube, but still fookin delicious. Also imma be real: actually havent checked the nutrition label to see if these are actually healthy. But these are sO useful. Make them by themselves for breakfast (with jam, eggs, or alone) or use the dough for other recipes. I use these with Manwich sauce, cheese, and ground beef for snacks :)

Manwiches: manwich sauce cans are $1 and although they have some sugar, its not nearly as bad as fast food. Just cook up some ground beef to go with it & maybe add cheese, sliced bread, or hamburger buns

PB&J: Another OG. I could never get tired of these. You just gotta make sure you have soft bread and the pb&j and youre good to go. Although..like.. some people apparently like theirs toasted or with different jams (I like strawberry).

Eggs!!!! : Just keep these in your fridge. Just do it. You never know when youre going to run out of food. Boiled? Scrambled? Fried? Soft boiled? With ramen? Omelet? In fried rice? Egg sandwich??? Eat them with bread, eat them with toast, eat them as a breakfast sandwich, scramble them with cheese, the list goes on. If you dont eat them often, get a smaller carton, but always have eggs! Also, for baking.

Rice, or fried rice: If you like rice, have been cooking rice for a long time, and can actually make it without burning, make sure you have rice. If you like rice but have never actually made it yourself, it takes trial and error in a pot. Or just invest in a rice cooker. Additionally, fried rice is not that difficult to learn & it fits the bill for healthy bc you can add unlimited veggies and meats. Im not here to educated you but the more ingredients, the better, is how i see it.

Fresh Food:

Fruit: I literally have "an apple a day" for breakfast. It's just good for you. Keep them in your fridge to keep them fresh. Keep one in your bag in case you get hungry. Bananas? Awesome! Use them in smoothies or a milkshake or eat them with your cereal or even with peanut butter. Possibilities are endless with fruit. Just make sure they dont spoil. Apples are OG bc they dont spoil as easily.

Vegetables: Make sure to only periodically get them so that they dont go to waste. Make some broccoli with butter & eat it alongside pasta. Or asparagus. Anything you want. Just make sure to have some with your meals sometimes. Greens are good. Additionally, carrots can get addicting if yoh eat them with ranch. The plus side is they are filling. If you have a tendency to want to munch on something: carrots.

Deli Meat / Sandwich Options: I personally dont make deli sandwiches because ham (as well as roast beef or turkey) can be expensive and then wanting to add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich sounds amazing but I'm scared they will spoil. Dont let me stop you though! Sandwiches are amazing.

Meat: you dont want to be cooking meat all the time bc it can get expensive, but the basics I always get are ground beef and chicken. I prefer "boneless skinless chicken thigh fillets" but you would need to cut off the fat. You could always get rotisserie if you arent feeling to for cooking. Also, if you're feeling expensive one week, salmon is just sooo good. I ate it with asparagus and seasoned with lemon. Delicious.

Snack / Dessert Options:

(I personally don't keep snacks or dessert in my home very often bc you dont want to binge eat. But here is what I have)

Peanut butter: classic, filling, can be potentially bad if you eat a shite ton

Nuts: peanuts, almonds, cashews, and especially pecans

Cookies: make your own, a lot of simple cookie recipes exist and it's a lot easier than you think. Baking essentials like flour, sugar, milk, and eggs are not that expensive to keep around in an apartment kitchen. Difficulties may be vanilla extract (the avg student doesnt have this lying around) a baking sheet, a big bowl, and possible a whisk. Store bought cookie dough isnt too bad either.

Box-cakes / box-brownies: simple and easy. Takes a few eggs sometimes and some oil, milk or water. The same goes for pancake mix. Honestly, I had an out-of-country roommate and he had never heard of boxed cake mix or brownie mix. They always made from scratch where he lived.

Low-calorie ice cream: okay ice cream can be pretty expensive and filled w/ added sugars. I used to eat this strawberry icecream sweetened with stevia and it was SO delicious, but I couldnt find that at my grocery store. Other options are "low-calorie" ice cream or "no added sugars" ice cream. I have one of these and the thing abt it is that its just the right amount of sugar to taste like ice cream and the neat thing is that you dont feel like binging it bc it doesnt have addicting added sugars.

Milkshakes / smoothies: this is a tough one bc me and most other students dont own a blender or juicer. I personally get my smoothies from a local smoothie place that only uses fresh fruit and then I ask not to add the natural sugars bc it is sweet enough with the fruit. Natural smoothies are delicious & I find that you can kind of make then if u freeze your fruits and blend w a fork. "Handmade" milkshakes are actually super easy w this method.

Yogurt: just...mmm.

"Healthy" snack food section, often called the gluten-free aisle: im not too experienced with this and im sure they have added sugars too but what I do know is I tried these gluten free oreos once and they were delicious

Fruits: I mentioned earlier but apples are great snacks

Veggies: also like I said earlier, carrots are great snacks. Not exactly a veggie but possibly potatoes for a meal or snack.

Granola Bars: for when youre too lazy to keep up with fruit and if fruit will spoil, granola bars (they healthy kind, not the chewy sugary kind) are so good to have in your pantry or keep in your backpack for a snack (and to keep you from on campus temptations). Also I used Nature Valley ones instead of cereal. They actually dissolve and are delicious with milk, since some cereals are so sugary.

Since my last college tips post got some notes I figured I'd keep writing these advice posts. For reference, I am hoping to become an RA next year at my college, so I'm not just speaking out of my ass. I generally have experience at college thus far and want to help students.

#Im American and Im not Vegan so sorry if this didnt help non americans and definitely not vegans :(#college tips #college advice #life hack #healthy living #food

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bitchinglikeanoldman · 6 months ago

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earl do you listen to mitski

yes

#we stay bitchin #just role(play) with it #old man earl #my least favorite juicers #jrwi #jrwi podcast #jrwi show

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saihahas · 4 years ago

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The sheer brilliance of the Pikmin shorts

And how their success shows that a cartoon with no dialog can excel in quality.

This is going to be seperated into three portions, for each short! Short 1 will be titled in RED. Short 2 will be titled in BLUE. Short 3 will be titled in PURPLE.

SHORT 1

Short one, The Night Juicer, is my least favorite out of the three. Granted, I still really enjoy the short! But it's not memorable in comparison to the other two. It's the shortest, and plays off of what Pikmin are named after! For those not aware of Pikmin lore or the games, Pikmin were named based off of Pikpik Carrots, which are very popular on Capitan Olimar's home planet, Hocotate.

This short begins with a very cute title sequence, showing Pikmin just doing Pikmin things! Which the series is exceptional at.

The first short starts with a Red, Blue and Yellow Pikmin watching Olimar make himself an unassuming red smoothie.

A lil squeaky sound effect is made when Oli puts his hands on his hips, thats all.

ANYWAYS-

The Primary Pikmin trio all run up to Olimar as he finishes up his cup, but stop after glancing over to the side of the blender, seeing a cut up Pikpik carrot they mistake for a Red Pikmin.

This sends the trio into a frenzy, freaking out and running away from Olimar.

Oh and this

Consider my timbers, shivered. Olimar creepily walks towards them, as if it was a horror movie. The trio fantasize what will become of them once Olimar catches them, while trying to get as far away from him as possible.

Olimar corners them in the storage closet, and the trio fear the worst. Only for Olimar to daintily push them to the side, and pick up two pikpik carrots for another smoothie.

All in all, this short isn't bad! It's cute and simple, a jokey horror trope. It simply suffers the fate most pilot episodes do. The other two are much less Olimar centered, and shine as a result.

SHORT 2

Short 2, Treasure in a Bottle, is my second favorite of the trio, but it definitely is close to overtaking short 3. This series is devoid of Olimar entirely, focused on Pikmin interacting with eachother. (And our protag, a Red Pikmin's desire for the shiny)

Short 2 starts out with a Red Pikmin, lets call him Steve, in a field chasing a butterfly. He gets distracted by a bottle, and proceeds to stare at his reflection in the glass.

The ramune is giant in comparison to Steve, and then he notices the shine of the marble inside. He screams in excitement, before scaling multiple objects to reach the top of the ramune bottle. (After falling off a grass blade gently)

Steve marvels at the marble, and hops into the bottle. He notices the long way down from where the marble lies and shudders, determined to roll the marble out. He attempts several times to do so, and on his last attempt, the marble gets stuck. After a few seconds, the marble falls and steve lands at the bottom of the bottle, and can't get out. While stuck, a trio of a single red, blue and yellow Pikmin come across Steve!

After laughing about how silly he looks inside the bottle, the trio tries to come up with a plan to break Steve out. Blue suggests filling the bottle with water, so Steve floats to the top and can be pulled off. Steve quickly shuts the idea down, as all Pikmin aside from blue Pikmin can't swim. Yellow has a much more direct approach, grabbing a bomb rock and allowing it to detonate, launching the bottle into the air. Steve flies out of the bottle, but as the bottle lands on the ground, Steve falls back into the bottle.

The three watch a trio of blue pikmin latched to eachother trying to pull down a butterfly, before a purple adds too much weight and the butterfly gets away. The trio has an idea, and like that Steve is saved!!!!

But not without taking the ramune with him ;)

SHORT 3

The final and longest Pikmin short, Occupational Hazard, is easily the best of the three in my opinion. It has Olimar present, but he isn't the focus of the short, the pikmin doing their thing are!

The short starts off showing some Pikmin taking apart pieces of a large machine, carrying bits ans pieces along, with come cute slapstick type comedy throughout. The camera pans out, showing how small the pikmin are compared to PNF-404 (Earth)

A quick pan later, and Olimar appears! He's using his whistle to direct Pikmin on where to go, much like in the games. The Pikmin are catapulting eachother, two go down, one comes up. They all carry the bits of metal to the Reasearch Pod, which assesses value. The Pod takes a brief leave, panning over Olimar and the Pikmin.

What a great shot

A yellow pikmin gets catapulted, offering a bent nail, which Olimar declines. The pikmin tosses the nail over the edge, hitting a white pikmin on the head. (Which they are VERY angry about) Two blue attempt to pull up a purple Pikmin, which was definitely unsuccessful, followed by a very angry white Pikmin yelling and taking his spot, only to be flung into the stratosphere after two purple Pikmin come down the catapult.

Back to business as usual.

The camera pans to some yellow Pikmin making their way inside the machine itself! Some yellows are carrying materials, but two stop and notice a small bolt. One touches it and gets shocked, followed by both touching it, and their leaves sprout into bulbs and flash, as they made a current! A blue tries to join in on the fun, but dies, as they can't conduct electricity. Poor guy :(

A small group of Pikmin sneak off to some pipes, ready to go have some fun! A blue Pikmin kicks a red through a pipe, and we get a cute transition to the other side of the pipes! A yellow pulls out a mushroom, a red and blue pull out screws and, there's a cute mario reference with a red Pikmin! Our lovely gang finds an odd looking pipe and decide to check it out, only for it to have been the snout of a Blowhog! It spews fire before emerging from the pipes, nearly burning the group. Luckily for them, some red Pikmin take on the Blowhog, because they're fire resistant. The red Pikmin are playing with thr Blowhog, despite it still chasing their friends around breathing fire. Luckily AGAIN, the Blowhog trips, and lands in the mud, its snout being filled with it. Naturally, they decide to have fun with the mud.

Back to Olimar and the construction site, my absolute favorite piece of pikmin media occurs. (Spliced 4 convenience, sound on!!!)

Something very big in these shorts are exaggerated reactions as well as music and sound effects playing to convey a specific feeling. Pikmin do not speak, and neither does Olimar. But in these shorts, their small soundbytes are able to convey what the pikmin are saying to eachother. This method of sound design is done extremely well, and I would argue to say that if these shorts prove anything at all, it's that nintendo could make a TV series that has no dialog whatsoever, and still have the audience rolling on thr floor laughing.

Back to the mud buds, we get a few more shots of them playing before yellow gets distracted. The shiny strikes again. Yellow walks into a large oil drum, and picks up a screw. Deeper in the drum, another sparkle catches his attention. Yellow picks the second up, and finds himself at a place with several odd colored objects. One of which he kicks.

It's a Bulborb!!! And its MAD. The mud buds are in trouble, and they're running as fast as they can from the Bulborb, who gets a red and blue Pikmin into its mouth. The two manage to get out through its nostrils, giving the others enough time to make a plan to outsmart the Bulborb.

A giant glove comes out of nowhere, halting the Bulborb and hypnotizing it, before flinging itself onto its backside. The glove was being controlled by an entourage of Pikmin, and the Bulborb catches on rather quickly, biting the glove and flinging the mud buds out. They all hide in a wheel rim(?) and some slapstick ensues.

Fed up with the mud bud's antics, the Bulborb kicks the rim, but hurts his toe instead. Poor guy,,, but he had it coming.

With a cute fanfare, we quickly return to Olimar, who has scaled the machine! But now his attention turns to the Bulborb that has been oddly fascinated with the rim.

The Bulborb finally manages to free the car wheel, throwing it into the air! Once it hits the ground, the mud buds all fall out, much to Olimar's dismay. And the way he struggles while whistling for the pikmin's attention is a BIG mood for people who've played the game before.

The mud buds start running to Olimar after hearing his call, much to the Bulborb's dismay. A chase ensues, and the Blowhog appears again, with its fire abilities regained. Rhe Bulborb continues to give chase, with two Pikmin meeting their demise. Everything seems hopeless, as the buds and Bulborb are huddled into the scoop of the machine.

And we get thrown back to the yellow Pikmin's party, with several linking to eachother and sparkling. One's foot touches the other's head, completing the current and turning the machine on.

The scoop gets sent upwards, as Olimar falls and lands on a lever, causing the scoop to let loose the contents inside. Right when it seems the buds are going to hit the ground along with the Bulborb, their leaves sprout into flowers! They gently float to the ground, while the Bulborb was.... not so lucky. A heavenly light shines as the gang ascend, with triumphant music in the background.

Oh and then all 97 pikmin left go ham on the bulborb.

The machine begins to deconstruct, and fall apart. More sadly relatable whistles from Olimar ensue, and uh

This happens.

After clearing the explosion, Olimar and the Pikmin look upon the wreckage, as the Pod reappears, and takes a value of the entire machine. The Pod asseses that the wreck is 100,000,000,007 pokos, and Olimar makes a triumphant pose. The white pikmin from earlier comes crashing down during the Fin. screen.

Now for my personal thoughts, while I have had some spread throughout, my final cohesive thoughts are as stated down below. Pikmin as a franchise has been dead for a while. We got a reboot of Pikmin 3 this year, and these were reuploaded from the WiiU era. The overwhelmingly positive response from the community as well as non-pikmin fans is second to none. These short style, no dialog cartoons have worked for Nintendo for years. (If anyone remembers the Yoshi and Poochy shorts I love you) This series is phenomenal at conceying emotion, or the volume of the situation, without saying a single word. The pikmin scream in excitement, they make their little noises in anger, dings and drones are placed perfectly, so EVERYONE can understand the situation. I fully believe that more companies should view these cartoons as cartoons, and give them the spotlight as well. Each short remains the length it has to be, and shows some fun content at that. The Pikmin interacting with eachother and behaving the way they do is adorable, especially when in the Pikilopedia from the games, Olimar mentions specifically they act like toddlers. Toddlers who help him not miss his own kids as much, while stranded on PNF-404.

If you wanna give the series a view for yourself, I'll provide the thinks below!!

youtube

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legoombaface · 4 years ago

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a relic from the archives, posted for prosperity’s sake.

the rebelious clementines

[6:57:27 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: “Howdy, y’all! Today’s special is gonna be one of mah old time favorites, Clementine Smoothies.” [6:58:13 PM] RessQ: Firebrand’s face formed his signature smile as he eagerly eyed the T.V. [7:00:23 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: The plump celebrity winked at the T. V as she pulled out a bowl full of the fruit. “I hope y’all ready with your handy-dandy cutting knife so we can get to the sweet spot of our little fruity friend’s sweet spot our to do some jucing!” [7:03:05 PM] RessQ: Firebrand felt his pants tighten with anticipation. Seeing the bright orange fruit was enough to get him hot and bothered, but seeing Paula Deen with the fruit made him cum his pants. [7:07:41 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: Paula continued to cut open the clementine, slow and gentle. She looked up at the camera and gave an especially seductive smile towards the audience. She licked her upper lips quickly and before Firebrand could handle it, she was done cutting the sweetness open. “Well, I’m hoping that y’all still with us now, ‘cuz things are about to get real tasty in here!l” She wiggled her hips slightly as she marched across her kitchen and grabbed a bright red juicer. [7:10:43 PM] RessQ: Firebrand practically nodded, nervously prodding his hard member with his fingers. [7:15:02 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: The butterwitch forced the fruit down hard on the plastic tool, causing a large squirt of juice to cover her hand. “Don’t be afraid to get a little dirty in the kitchen, now. Getting messy can be half the fun.” She gleefully exclaimed. [7:15:46 PM | Removed 7:27:51 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: This message has been removed. [7:23:52 PM] RessQ: He lost it. He ripped off his tight fitting jeans and boxers and sprinted to the kitchen. He hauled out a large wooden box filled to the brim with clementines from deep in the pantry. He scooped out what had to be at least two dozen clementines and ran back to the couch, dropping a few on the way. [7:26:58 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: He reached under the couch and yanked out the shiny, metal bucket he had been keeping for such occasions as this and snpped his head back towards the televison. Luckily, his beautiful, buttery temptress was still handling the delectable clementines. A sudden flash of Paula standing in front of him, wearing nothing but the skins of the orange-like fruit came to his mind. “Fuuuuck.” The entity was unable to repress the moan that came out of him. [7:31:22 PM] RessQ: He grabbed one of the clementines and rubbed it against his hard cock, savoring the smooth bumpy texture of the delectable little fruit. He swirled it around his shaft, feeling the little dips in the skin massage him. Firebrand fell to the floor and quickly squatted over the bucket. [7:37:10 PM | Edited 7:38:45 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: His eye locked with Paula’s as he rubbed the fruit up and down his body, letting out a whimper sigh. Her grin only seemed to encourage his self pleasure, even if it was from across the air signals. A renegade clementine squirted it’s sweet juice across her face and she let out a hearty laugh as she rubbed her face clean. “Look’s like I’m getting a real punishment over here!” Firebrand grabbed a second fruit and touched it to his PUCKERING ANUS [7:49:21 PM] RessQ: With one swift movement, he forced the fruit inside of his tight little asspussy, groaning as his anus muscles contracted to conform to the spherical shape. He flexed his muscles, squeezing drops of the clementine’s juice out into the bucket’s bottom. Plop. Plop. Plop. [7:56:08 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: “Oh god, yesss” The Collective member hissed as one of the clementines punched his prostate. His erection was screaming for attention, but not literally because the last time his peen talked to him some crazy shit happened that he’d rather not mention in light of his beautiful woman nearby. There had to have been at least 6 of the fruits burning his insides and all he could think about is how Paula deserved more; he shoved another fruit into his butthole, using the acidic juices and blood as a lube as sorts. [7:58:15 PM] RessQ: “Oh, FUCK! Fucking fuck fuck! Paula baby, this for you!” He screeched. Grabbing 3 clementines at once, he shoved them all in his currently occupied anal crevice and screamed. [8:02:13 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: Firebrand looked up at the televison. She let out a loud “YEEHAW!” as the blender was turned on and his heart fluttered. Oh, if only she could see him now, their love would be one of legends. He squeezed his muscles together to cause a large river of pulpy entrails to flow from his bung. Noa-FIREBRAND bit down on his lip hard to repress the loud hooplas coming from the pure orgasmtic pleasure that was his current situation. The last thing he needed was Observer walking in on him. Because seriously, fuck that guy. [8:04:56 PM] RessQ: He dipped his fingers in some of the frothy orange goop and spread it over his nipples; much like Paula Deen spreads butter on a bagel. He screeched like a dying chicken and twerked his hips to the sweet melody of squelchy sounds and plops. [8:10:53 PM] [A][U] RITA K VERMILYEA: The metal plating begame to cut at his thighs and cause a rush of blood to ooze to the already unholoy mixture that was his throne. “It’s not fucking enough for my lover!” He yelped and forced himself back and forth, making it splash and threaten to spill over. Another clementine- it had to have been at least 10 now- was added to the already overflowing rectum. A single tear came down his face. This was, without a doubt, true love. TO BE CONTINUED

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breadoffoxy · 5 years ago

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Changing Tides | 2

Summary: At a young age you thought you had your life all figured out. You would marry your crush and become a world renown artist. It was perfect. That is until a childhood friend, your clumsy cousin, an intimidating rival, a nosy neighbor, an art prodigy, a beautiful dancer and a perfectionist workaholic destroyed those plans for better or for worse.

Pairing: some f. reader x Hoseok, f. reader x Jungkook, and f. reader x Jimin

Genre: Slice of Life, awkward teenage years to college au, eventual romance, angst, fluff

Word Count: 787

Warnings: Mentions of arguing parents and divorce

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The weekend trips to Seoul with your mom have become more and more frequent over the last year and a half. A lot of the time is spent at your aunt’s house. Quiet whispers are spoken between the adults. It’s obvious they don’t want you to hear but you can’t help but hear snippets of the words divorce, lawyers, move, stay, and so on with more frequency as well. You feel mostly numb to it by now and just want it to be over with. When adults treat you as if you don’t understand the situation and believe that you can’t hear their shouts and constant whispers is what makes it so hard.

Most of the time you don’t even spend time with your parents anymore. You spend your time drawing in solitude, hanging out with Jungkook while in Busan, and your cousin Namjoon during the Seoul trips. At first you felt bad for bothering Namjoon so much on all these trips. He takes a lot of time out of his busy study schedule to hang out with you. Later though you decided it was a little bit of a tradeoff. Is cereal soup, defining persona, what do crabs dream of, Marxism, and debating if an orange juicer is an appliance or piece of furniture is just some of the highlights of your conversations with Joon. You may not understand everything and get frustrated at his lack of logic at times, but at least at the end of the day you always get new song recommendations.

“Hear the use of ‘dream’ in that verse? Its repetition here is a foil from its earlier use. It represents the gap between childhood and adulthood.”

You look over your shoulder from your seat on the floor leaning against your cousin’s bed to see Namjoon’s hands folded behind his head as he stares at the ceiling in thought. At the end of the day no matter how weird and clumsy he is, you really looked up to Joon. He is perfectly brilliant.

“Really, wow I would not have picked that up. That really changes what I thought it was about.”

“It can also be used to examine my theory on crab dreams.”

“…Sure Joonie.”

And then there are moments like these where you take back the praise. You still loved the dork though.

“Knock, knock!”

A head of dark hair peeks through the open door. A fist is in the air ‘knocking’ cutely in the open doorway.

And then there is him. The best perk of hanging out with your cousin is definitely the cute boy with a bright smile. The boy that you totally don’t secretly stare at, including now, when you are in his presence. Jung Hoseok.

You swear it was love at first sight from the moment you walked into your cousin’s room and saw the young boy dancing. Never before had you seen anyone so bright and happy and move the way he did. It didn’t help that he was nothing but nice to you. His sweet words and smiles gave you constant butterflies. Your favorite thing to do is to draw him while he’s dancing. His body seemed more fluid than solid so it was an interesting study. Plus, that thing he did with his hips-

“Is that ok with you, y/n?”

You break out of your teenage day dreaming to…well look at the teenage day dream. The sound of chuckling quickly gets your attention and you whip your head around to glare at your cousin instead. Your glare slides into a pout when you sheepishly turn back and see Hoseok is hiding a grin behind his hand and you see the laughter in his eyes.

“We are going to the park kiddo.” Your hand twitches slightly at your cousin’s remark. Ok, seriously you weren’t that much younger.

“I have a dance meet tonight.” Bless Hobi for making sense. “And you’re coming!” He shoots finger guns at you. Looks like you didn’t have a choice, but if its anything Hoseok related you figure that you would do whatever he asks anyway.

Easily the dancer crosses the hurricane that is Namjoon’s room. The floor is littered with many cds and cassettes. When he reaches you, Hoseok puts out a helping hand which you happily take that results in a swarm of butterflies. He easily pulls you up and gives you one of his endearing smiles before dragging you out of the room.

“Hey, you have to help me clean this up first!”

Hoseok’s pace increases as he yells, “I’m going to give your cousin a sneak peek!”

You barely have time to wave as your giggling mess of a self is easily led out of the house.

#bts fanfiction #bts fluff #bts angst #namjoon fanfiction #hoseok fanfiction #jhope fanfiction #rm fanfiction #cousin namjoon #hoseok x reader #jhope x reader #my writing #changing tides #bts series

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sell-my-phone · 4 years ago

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yuckitup-jwd · 5 years ago

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Men VS Women

Women have many faults Men only have 2 Everything they say And everything they do

RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele- vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.

The women will roll their eys, groan, and wait it out.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has at most seven items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

CATS: Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state- of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS: Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

GYM SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?"

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"

The correct male response to this question is to quickly, confidently, and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."

#gender jokes #men vs women jokes #q&a

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