#my last semester of classes and I start rotations in the summer

[singlethread]

Whatever I just wanna pass at this point

[depravedwriter95]

*Awww…..Fall is coming, colder weather, leaves changing, pumpkin spice drawing all the basic white girls out of their summer time fun and into their yoga pants and sweater dresses...I love my job* Trevor thought to himself as he started his afternoon shift as one of the University's many security personal, not like the campus really needed it, it was a small quiet campus in the midst of the Adirondack mountain range, at most we would have two hundred students in the class but there hasn't been a class like that in years, this semester there was only seventy

"Hey Trevor, it seems like it's going to be a slow semester again" Rodrick said as he signed his duty belt back in, he was the day shift guard when we have small class sizes

"I won't complain, I like these smaller classes anyways makes it easier to learn everyone's names and faces, besides hopefully it'll mean less BS for us to deal with" Trevor mentioned as he settled in behind the dorms security desk, from there he could rotate through the cameras all across campus and a few additional ones they had installed recently facing the hiking trail entrances which the students went on constantly during the weekends, be it to party, explore or whatever else kids these days do.

*Besides...it's been three months since my last hunt...I don't need to be distracted this semester* Trevor thought as he mindlessly flipped through the cameras,

"Well, I can't argue with that, but hey the director wanted me to pass on that the campus theater is going to be in use starting tonight, something about the class agreed they wanted to put on a show? Might be fun to see, anyways don't have too much fun now" Rodrick said laughing as he walked out of the office leaving Trevor alone until the night shift came in at 0000, the first two hours of the shift dragged on as Trevor went about the tedious task of logging in any visitors coming into the dorms or getting mail for the students.

*Alright….I've sat long enough, can't feel my damn foot, might as well do the rounds* Trevor sighed as he grabbed his black windbreaker and duty light, even though it wasn't that late and the sun was still up, it was hidden behind the mountains making the campus seem darker than it was, so there weren't to many students out and about so Trevor decided to make his way towards the main building on the campus, it houses a vast majority of its classrooms on the west wing of the building while the theater and gym took up the east wing

*wonder what sort of cuties will be here this semester, hopefully there's at least two or three party girls who get to drunk, those always make for easier prey….wait a second* Trevor stopped mid thought as he noticed the theater door propped open.

*well, Rodrick did say something about it being in use, might as well make sure they're behaving in here* he thought as he walked in, it was a rather decently sized theater, capable of seating up to six hundred people, but you wouldn't be able to tell that with its lights dimmed or off like they were as he walked in, looking around he spotted a lone male standing in the middle of the stage looking over what he'd guess to be the lights

"Excuse me bud, are you the only one in here?" Trevor called out as he approached the stage.

"Hmm...oh hello sir, no my girlfriend is here helping me check the technical end of things before we get the rest of the cast in here. My name is Micheal, but everyone just calls me Mike" Mike said offering his hand to Trevor after he got down from the stage

"Pleasure Mike, my name is Trevor, I'm the only evening guard this semester so if you guys ever need anything I'm your guy" He said, shaking the kids hand, he appeared to be in his late teens, maybe twenty at the oldest, he had shaggy brown hair and brown eyes, wearing a black hoodie and dark blue jeans

"How long will you two be here tonight?"

"Not much longer sir, well Bella is staying a bit later to check over all the microphones, she's dedicated to her role, it's why I love her" Mike said looking up at the hole in the wall at the back of the theater where the technical team would sit.

"Alright well I come back through in thirty to check on you and her so behave yourselves" Trevor said trying to remember which face went with the name Bella

*well with any luck maybe my hunting this year won't take to long* he thought as he went about his patrols which breezed by and before he knew it, he was back at the theater, the door still propped a bit so naturally he peeked inside but all the lights were off beside the faint glow of the lights up in the tech booth, sighing and thinking they left the lights on Trevor made his way up the spiral metal stairs which were basically impossible to move on without making noise

(Raunchy stuff)

"Hello??? Mike are you trying to scare me again???" A females voice called out from inside the tech room, before he could reply a woman who looked to be only 20, 5'3, 130 pounds with curves in all the right places, her long auburn hair was brushed over her left shoulder and just reached the top of what looked to be her D cup breasts, probably a 36D if Trevor had to guess, which popped nicely in her tight pink low cut shirt, her pleasantly thick thighs were on display as her black linen shorts clung to her, Trevor's heart nearly stopped as her emerald eyes locked onto his, they had a fire in them that made Trevor's cock stand at attention

"Oh, um hello, you're that guard from earlier right? I saw you talking to my boyfriend, he did mention me staying late right?" She stated calmly

"Yea Bella right? Pleasure to meet you, I just noticed the lights on so I was making sure there was someone up here at least, will you be done soon, this side of the building is closing in the next ten minutes" he replied trying his best to calm the voice screaming from his subconscious,his blood was pulsating behind his ear drums

"Oh um….I think I should be able to, I really need to get these done tonight but moving these boxes and checking each mic by myself is harder than I thought" She said stepping aside so he could see the large black trunks that held most of the sound equipment, they came up her hips, that same voice was now filling his thoughts with the imagine of him forcing her over the boxes, her shorts yanked halfway down her thighs, one arm pinning her arms in the middle of her back while the other covered her mouth, his cock ravaging her insides as her juices soaked her legs.

"Are you okay sir? Hello???" Bella asked as she folded her arms across her chest.

"Hm...oh sorry, was just trying to figure out if I had time to help you move the boxes at least, and it turns out I do" Trevor said moving into the room and grabbing the first trunk

"I'll take care of this, go lock up the front doors then come back for the last one, think you'll be done by then?"

"Yea, I should be, thanks for the help," she said, offering a kind smile before going back to her work.

*Nah….it can't be this easy, it's only the third week of the semester, god….the things I'm going to do to you Bella...and you or your boyfriend will be powerless to stop me* Trevor thought as a wicked grin spread across his lips, he slipped out of the theater and jogged down the hall to a vending machine and bought two water bottles before returning and locking the front doors to the theater, he then pulled open his cargo pants pocket and retrieved a small packet housing two Rohypnol pills which was more commonly known as “roofies”, “rophies,” or “forget me pills,” quickly he slipped them into an extra water he carried, shook until they were dissolved then made his way back up to the light booth

"Hey snagged you a water figured you could use it" Trevor said putting on his best smile as he offered her the contaminated water, she took it without much thought and started drinking it

"So how long have you been a part of the theater?"

"I got into back during middle school and just stuck with it, so here we are now. Hoping to get my degree here and continue making a living in the theater" She said after plopping down on the last trunk, crossing her left leg over her right, running her left hand through her hair, her perfume wafted into Trevor's nose, the scent was similar to lavenders and vanilla. Trevor’s heart started to pound against his ears as he watched her chug down the rest

"Ahhh I didn't realize just how thirsty I was." she muttered as she touched her head, small beads of sweat trickled down between her breasts which began to lift and fall a bit quicker

“You've been working hard, from what your boyfriend said you're pretty dedicated to your roll" Trevor said trying his best not to stare at her lustful body, he looked at his watch and thought *ten more minutes, and she's as good as mine*

“He said that about me? He's such an understanding guy, he's always so quick to help me with my passions and hobbies” Bella said as she fanned herself slowly

*Nah, he's set on doing whatever he can to keep this perfect little fuck toy to himself* He thought as he smiled “Well sounds like he really likes you, it's rare to find that since most people seem to just want to fuck around today” Trevor said offering her his water. She happily took it and drank from it eagerly, sighing as her lips glisten from a mixture of her saliva and water.

*DO IT NOW!* the voice screamed, Trevor moved closer and sat next to Bella on the trunk, she turned her gaze from the water to him as his hand moved up, gripping the back of her head with his right hand as he pulled her into a sudden kiss

"W-what….are you…” Bella mumbled as her head swam barely able to focus on anything, she tried to stand up right only to feel Trevor’s hand grip her hair and force her back into the kiss as his left hand gripped her perfectly soft breast, squeezing it through her bra causing her to moan into their kiss

"I'm just taking what is rightfully mine to use” Trevor whispered to her as he slipped his hand under the bottom of her shirt, lifting it up to expose the basic light tan bra she wore, by now the drugs were in full swing. Her body felt like a bag of bricks weighing her down, seeing that she wasn't going to resist much anymore Trevor smiled and leaned back in, biting her lip as his left hand unclasped her bra and throwing it aside, exposing her freckled breasts with adorable pink nipples. He turned her on the trunk so her back was to him, she muttered for him to stop but he silenced her with his lips once more, his tongue pressing into her mouth and coiled around hers as both of his hands gently gropped both of her breasts her moans were like music to his ears, it had been to long since his last hunt, but it was clearly worth the wait as he bit her lower lip.

“You really like your tit's being played with don't you~” Trevor whispered as he lightly pinched and twisted her nipples between his index and thumb causing her hips the shift against the trunk, she whimpered as she bit her lower lip

“Pl-please…st..stop…I won't tell ... .anyone…what you..did” Bella said with bated breath, her chest coded in a thin layer of sweat.

“Oh I can't stop now, not when the fun was really about to begin~” Trevor said as his right hand began to slowly walk down her stomach towards her shorts, unbuttoning them with a swift pull and slipped right inbetween her shorts and underwear, his middle and ring fingers curled up, teasing her pussy's lips through the underwear, spreading them apart, feeling how wet she was. All while his left hand kept rolling her nipple with his thumb as his hand massaged her breast. Unable to put up any resistance, all Bella did was just moan softly, shutting her eyes as her mind grew hazy from the combined pleausre and drugs coursing through her body. As Trevor pulled her underwear aside and brushed his finger against her clit her body tensed, hips thrusting against his touch as she suddenly climaxed, moaning lustfully which echoed in the theater.

Trevor grinned coyly

“Such a naughty little slut, cumming without my permission, you'll have to be punished for that” He said as he pressed his thumb against her clit and begin to roll it, his middle and ring finger hooked up into her pussy rubbing her gspot, Bella's eyes fluttered as her body squirmed against his assault, she was unable to stop herself from moaning between her gulping in air as his fingers relentlessly rubbed her inner walls, feeling the ridge of her gspot against the tip of his middle finger, minutes felt like hours to her as he just kept fingering her making her cum over and over again as he would lightly bite her earlobe or press his thumb into her nipple causing her hips to arch, her fingers desperately reaching to try and grab ahold of anything as she felt what she thought to be her fourth orgasm.

"Oh almost forgot these" she heard him say as he stood up, letting her fall onto the trunk and moments later she swore she saw the flash of pictures being taken but she was too tired to tell if it was even real anymore.

Well if you made it this far I just want to thank you, this is my first time ever posting my writing publicly, this is just the first part of the story so please keep that in mind if it's slow. I didn't want to just dive right into the raunchy stuff but more so build the setting a bit, to give you an idea of where I'm hoping to take the story, I'm wanting to slowly break down Bella's character

[leverageclips]

@leverage-ot3 tagged me!

3 ships: The leverage ot3 obviously, Merthur and vashwood (vash the Stampede and Nicholas D Wolfwood)

First ever ship: oh damn probably Naruhina, I really liked the dynamic ADHD extrovert x super shy introvert

Last song: Spookie Coochie by Doechii

Last film: .... It's Aquaman 2, I just really like going to the movie theater and I have a discount on my local one. It's actually a really fun romp if you like dumb adventure movies and expect nothing else from it.

Currently reading: other than my thousands of ao3 tabs I'm reading The Revenge of the Sith novelization by Matthew Stover. It's GREAT. If you like star wars (doesn't matter if you like or not the prequels) you MUST read it, it's insanely well written.

Currently consuming: I fell down the rabbit hole AGAIN and I'm rewatching Black Sails. The brainrot is DEEP and it doesn't help that the show is super well written.

Currently craving: an infinite summer break. My classes start again next Monday and I'm dreading it (I really don't want to do my ambulance rotation this semester)

Normally I forget to tag people but just for shits and giggles: @the-oncoming-tropical-storm what's up girl

[hueylengyong15]

The top five Amusement Parks that I planned to go to in the future:

Escape Theme Park in Paradigm Mall:

Two years ago, before the start of my Senior year, we wanted to plan a trip to Escape after finishing our final year exams. However, this idea failed because the other students from another campus had booked a trip earlier to enjoy the last day of the second term.

I was sad that we could not go on a field trip with our class due to the online classes that were conducted by the teachers in Canada. It was also a bummer as we were getting bored in class, we would always use our laptops to entertain ourselves.

I did not go to Escape last year because I had to finish many assignments and do the final exam before the deadline that my lecturer gave me. This made me super stressed out because I wanted to go out with my friends instead of being stuck at home doing nothing after finishing my assignment.

2. Genting Skyworlds:

This was another outdoor theme park outside of Selangor that I had not been there since almost fifteen years ago, ever since my first trip to Genting Highlands back in March of 2009. I initially wanted to plan another trip to my childhood place since they have Bluesky movie franchises such as Rio, Epic, and other attractions related to films and television shows.

In June of 2022, we wanted to go on a day trip to Genting, but some rides did not open yet due to the soft opening and some plans in the future. The date was pushed back to this year due to many assignments this year.

Before the second-semester break ends, I hope there won't be a long queue when I try out the attractions as planned. As for the indoor theme park, next time when one of the lecturers hosts a field trip, we could all have fun after the final exam ends.

3. Super Nintendo World in Osaka, Japan: As I heard about this place on Facebook, I researched their website online on what attractions would be there for me to try one day when I go on a holiday break to Japan. When I saw some pictures on the website, I found out that there was a real-life Mario Kart for me to ride on.

I heard this park would have a meet and greet session with Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach once you enter the park. As mentioned by the staff members, this place allows you to take pictures which allows me to keep them in my photo album or have them printed out in the souvenir shop. I also wanted to try all of the food at Nintendo World, so I could show my friends what I enjoyed the most.

4. Adventure Waterpark Desaru Coast: This waterpark has five different themed areas ranging from Shipwreck Reef to Penawar Falls. In 2017, I asked my parents to bring me there to this place during the summer break after the exams were over. However, my dad said it was too far for us to go because we had to stay at the hotel overnight and this wasn't the right time for him to go out with me because he had work to do in the office then.

I dreamed of trying the Kraken's Revenge Water coaster as I have never ridden on a rollercoaster on the water before. Presumably, next year if the last day of the semester is over, then we could all take a trip there and have some fun in the sun to take away all of the assignment stress in all of our classes.

5. Lotte World:

I haven’t been to this popular indoor theme park since 2019 when I went on a short holiday to Seoul during my winter break, I wanted to try all the rides that were suitable for me to make memories of having a fun trip for me and my family to go there.

One of the attractions that I rode was the Conquistador, a pirate ship from Spain that rotates at a 360-degree angle which is similar to the Tomahawk ride from Sunway Lagoon where there were two cars instead of a single car. As I got on the ride, I yelled, "This was the best ride that I have ever ridden in my life!"

Another ride that I visited was the Fly Venture, a VR ride that featured 4D animation. When I entered the area, I was very impressed that they had a steampunk-themed attraction and a flying theater which made me feel that I was flying on an airplane in the sky. Overall, this attraction was the best theater ride in the world, and one day, I would try this five times over and over again.

I also tried the other rides such as the Balloon Race, Camelot Carousel, Desperado interactive shooting game, and many other rides which I rode by myself before the park closed for the night.

When I went to Lotte World, I tried my luck to get a prize from the hammer game. However, I won a free lollipop, and my parents told me I did not need every toy from the amusement park because I had too many toys on my bed as it would be too crowded for me.

The park has a variety of food and beverages ranging from Korean to Western cuisine. Although the food was not that expensive, I managed to get Spaghetti Carbonara and their castle pizza from TGI Friday's Lakeview restaurant which was okay compared to the food from the Malaysian TGI Friday's.

I wanted to plan a trip for myself including my old school friends when we have time. When I get a job after graduating from college, I will go for an internship first to see if they can accept me working there. Once this idea is done, I can start my first day at work and earn some money for my basic necessities before I can go on holiday alone or with some good friends.

I hope some of our plans work out this year and next year. If not, it's okay, there's always next time when things don't work out the way we plan with our friends.

[holdinbacksecrets]

well, things have been weird... I think depression and anxiety has been hitting me hard this past week to the point of like chest pain, i think I'm very familiar with heartache lmao. I'm a senior now, finally made it to year 6 in med school, and currently in my first rotation, i don't know how to feel about that other than fear of my own incompetence and failure to compensate for it because I'm just so exhausted..

As for writing, i haven't done any for like close to at least 1 year, nothing, even poetry has been sparse, maybe max of 3 this whole year. It's like slow torture... it's like the first death described in black swan. I've been trying to plan a novel, but all i have is Pinterest boards for characters and a main idea of a plot and it doesn't seem that this year I'll be able to give it time because it's hectic and important and i also have my damn research on thalassemia patient's quality of life and whatnot.

Loneliness is suffocating as well, I don't know what to do with it, i blame it on adulthood and maturity, hell im 23 yet i feel like i have the loneliness of a vampire watching every loved one fade. there's not much to do about it. everyone's busy and i hate human connection as much as i crave it.

I thought by now you'd have relocated btw because it's been a while that you've been talking about it, also didn't you go back for masters or is my timeline of events wrong cuz trust me I don't even remember my name these days

hi friend 🤍

i’m sorry about the anxiety and depression. i certainly understand how hard both are to deal with. anything you can do to get even a little bit of relief? is therapy an option for you?

congratulations on making it to your senior year! that’s a wonderful accomplishment! i watch a few med student youtubers, and i’m so impressed by everything that you all do. it’s a fuck ton of work. is school a major catalyst for the anxiety and depression for you or more so other things you mentioned like human connection/loneliness? everything?

even if your plans for the book aren’t as far along as you were hoping they’d be, i still think it’s really cool that there are ideas dancing around in your head. they won’t just disappear either, so you can always dive back in when it feels right and the writing is coming. you’ll have to keep me updated on this. i feel you on the writing thing. i’ve finally been able to do some writing again after months of shitty work, but the longer it’s missing, the crazier us writers feel. i hope it comes back to you sooner rather than later. a year is a long time. idk if i’d ever write without music. it’s such a huge source of inspiration for me.

oh god… the loneliness. i’m so touch starved that i don’t know what to do with myself. a huge part of me wishes i could erase my dating experience last year bc absences following what that little supernova gave me are apparent as hell. i feel like my isolation from covid never really ended, and i’m still trying to move out of it and form friendships in closer proximity. hating human connection and craving it at the same time—felt. i consistently feel like i have to be a better version of myself first, but will i ever meet a version i’m satisfied with? there are always mental hurdles to navigate. do you have any friends in your med school program?

your last paragraph pierced my heart a little bit bc i too thought i’d be in a different city by now. i lasted in my grad program for three months. it was horrible. i took a class last summer, and i knew pretty early on that it was the wrong choice, but i still started the fall semester. i wanted to give it a sincere shot and not make a rash decision (i convinced myself it was rash but it was really my gut saying important things lol). maybe in the future i’ll go back to school and do something completely different. i kind of want to get an english degree, but the idea of doing another bachelor’s feels strange. i wanted to double major originally but didn’t. for now, i’m working a remote job i hate and constantly job searching for something else. i’m passionate about community engagement work and environmental justice, hoping i’ll find something. i still want to move to chicago. i’ll be there in september, and i’m hoping my time there will solidify feelings and desires about relocating.

[nsk96]

Rant

Feeling overwhelmed and like I really hate pharmacy right now. Why would I like it anyway? It's not like I chose it for me. My mom chose it for me. She told me that herself.

I have so much things to get done by February 9th for onboarding for rotation that starts around March 25th, but my school has so much work for us to do. So many quizzes and assignments, and exams, and we got this Pharmacon group project in which we got to present our powerpoint last week and this coming week have to present our poster. Then there's the Pharmacon event in February where we present our final project. It's all so extra.

On top of that, for onboarding, I still have yet to get another PPD and there's this orientation course thing I have to complete for my site by the 9th as well. I also still have yet to complete FAFSA.

And since I can't stay focused long enough in class to understand lectures, I have to rewatch these 2-3 hour lectures at home which takes much longer than the actual length because I have to rewind multiple times to make sure I get all the notes I need, or just to understand what some of the professors are saying. What I thought was an accent issue was actually just an enunciation issue. Because they have so much material to cover in such a short span of time, they have to talk fast and some of them just end up mumbling or run words into each other. Not great when I have issues with processing what people say. They'll say one thing, and I'd hear another or hear absolute gibberish. So bad combination overall.

Then just running out of time to study for exams because I can't focus because of my own issues as well as my parents making noise, and feeling burnt out since P1 year without much of a break because nearly every break I've had to take a remedial exam for a class that I've failed. And after working a ton of group projects with a group that was run by a tyrant for a whole school year, honestly has made me feel so worn out, I need rest. Glad she left over the summer though but her tyranny left me feeling extra burnt out this year like I just can't get myself to do anything.

I'm feeling like this career path just isn't for me especially considering that a large portion of it is listening and my attention span ain't long enough for that, nor is my brain able to process what I hear accurate or quick enough.

Then having to finish these co-curriculars before rotation starts. Thankfully I got the majority done last semester and only have two left. I managed to get the community service one done last weekend. While it was great feeding the homeless, the whole event, there was so much people, it left me feeling so drained which made my fatigue feel so much worse. I don't just need leisure time at this point. I need isolation. I crave isolation at least for 24 hours. Like a lone walk through the woods or just alone in the house with no one else there. I've been thinking about it. Maybe it's just that I don't feel safe in my house considering who I live with. Neither parent makes me feel safe honestly.

And if I wasn't overwhelmed enough as it is, the pinning ceremony is coming up. I don't even know what it is but I'm guessing it's like a mid-program graduation. My mom bought some dresses for me to wear to it though I don't even know what the dress code for the ceremony is yet. She keeps bugging me to choose which one I want to wear which is kinda triggering for me because of having a bad history with trying clothes on and constantly being shamed for not fitting into clothes that are not my size. Not to mention, I don't have time to be selecting clothes, when I have so much to get done.

But anyway, it's annoying af that she keeps buying me clothes despite me constantly telling her that I don't have any storage space for these clothes (because as of right now, a good portion of my clothes are in storage containers), and that I'd rather her buy me clothes while I'm with her so that I can have a say in what she buys for me, so to avoid spending money unnecessarily and I would only get things that I would wear. While, yes, much of these clothes are being bought from thrift stores, costs add up no matter how low the prices. Not to mention the storage situation in my room is dire enough for me to try to get rid of clothes I don't wear often enough. And I have to get rid of them in secret sometimes because she guilts me into keeping stuff. ("in secret" meaning that when we put stuff in bags to donate, I hide them under other things)

Then all of this while trying to come up with an escape plan and organizing all my things so I can keep track of what to take and what to leave.

I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm falling apart and everything about it all just feels so wrong. The other career paths I wanted felt right. This one felt wrong from the very beginning but yet I let her choose it for me. Don't get me started into how much she manipulated me into choosing this career field. It started all the way in middle school back when I had to choose what high school to go to. If she had let me go into the military like I wanted to, I could have gotten the both of us out of this mess way back then instead of having to put up with my dad and living this way right now while she waits for me to finish pharmacy school as if it will be this magical cure to our situation.

No, mom, money is the cure to our situation. I would have gotten financial help and even health insurance. I would have even gotten some financial help for college and wouldn't be as deep in student debt as I am today. We could have already been moved out. I could have been going through pharmacy school or whatever profession I chose without the unnecessary stress of our current living conditions. Or maybe I would have been living alone. Maybe she knew that all along and just doesn't want me out of her sight because she's afraid to let go...because like some other parents out there, her children were her retirement plan.

Just yesterday, we were talking about rich people and she was like "be careful, you'll become a rich person one day." I said I won't because I'll never be a billionaire. Also because pharmacists don't make much and at this rate the way things are going with the economy, I'll be lucky to even make it into middle class. Then she was like, "you'll build your business (pharmacy-related) and invest smart..." blah blah. Stop choosing for me.

I wish I had time to schedule an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist this semester but it seems it's not going to happen considering everything I have to get done, on top of dealing with focus issues and constant stressors and feeling constantly fatigued.

I hate pharmacy school so much. I have 7 rotations coming up. Back to back. And to think that I want to do residency after this shit...I don't know if I can put up with this torture anymore.

Maybe I'll just keep going until I graduate and forget residency. Then retreat into a forest somewhere on the planet. That sounds good right now. With my knowledge of pharmacy, herbs, and crafting things, maybe I can become a forest witch.

And occasionally come into town to the local library computer to check up on my lovely tumblr mutuals 💙 Or maybe find a way to set up an internet connection out there idk. Or maybe live on the outskirts of town will do, at the edge of some kind of forest. Far enough from people to get privacy, but close enough to civilization in case I need anything. Yeah...

[nerd-in-nice-clothes]

Officially 3/8 MD!!! 🥹🥹🥹 Oops! Forgot to share this wonderful update lol. 😝😝😝 Idk how, but I’m almost 1/2 way through medical school and almost done with my pre-clerkship curriculum with just 1 organ system (Gastrointestinal) left to go. Eeek! 😳😳😳 Then I start clinical rotations! 🥲🥲🥲 But like how!? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 Where did the time go!? Lord knows how crazy this semester was. Im not going to lie- it was only until recently I started responding “I’m good” and not “I’m okay” or “I’m surviving” when people ask me how I’m doing. Or I stopped saying that things are “bad” lol. 🙃🙃🙃 Muskoskeletal-Nervous Systems (aka MSK-N) really tried me. Ooofff. 😭😭😭 I was on a solid upward trend ending M1 year and in the summer. So to be knocked down by MSK after consistently passing for so long, especially after figuring out what worked for me and what I needed to do in order to pass, really sucked and definitely hurt. I was even more hurt by the fact that I just wasn’t able to pull through and pass last minute. Just not how my brain works unfortunately. 🥺🥺🥺 But I picked my self up, stayed true to me, established boundaries, tried again, and finally passed MSK! And even though my clinical neuroscience 1 and 2 blocs (aka Neuro) was tough AF, I passed both and then even got my first A in a bloc- Psychiatry/Behavioral Neuroscience!!! I even got above the class average which like never happens, let alone even achieve near the average. 😂😂😂 Yes I know “psych” is known to be “easier”but I don’t care because an A is an A and when upperclassmen say something is easy, it’s never easy. It’s just not as bad, relatively speaking. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 But I made it! And I couldn’t have made it this far without the love and support of my friends, family, my amazing faculty and Dr.NerdNOTinNiceClothes himself lol ❤️❤️❤️. Yes, I be putting that small solar system of mine to work. 😜😜😜 (and yes my stethoscope and earrings match my scrubs because I’m EXTRA like that. 😁😁😁) Scrubs: @WearFigs Earrings: @KateSpadeNY Sneakers: @Nike (at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital) https://www.instagram.com/p/CmvRDT3uNo1/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[astriiformes]

Was tagged in a thing by @ostreatus (thank you, friend!)

Favorite colour(s): Deep/dark blues and greens; silvery grey

Currently reading: Most of my reading is school-related right now (although largely chapters, not whole books) but my Darwinism class just started Summer for the Gods: The Scopes Trial and America's Continuing Debate Over Science and Religion which I think is definitely going to be an interesting one. On my own time I’m also reading Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel’s The Sabbath, which as someone with a fairly debilitating amount of ADHD time-blindness/general time angst is uh. Sure hitting me in some places.

Last movie: ....I don’t watch very many movies, so I genuinely can’t remember what the last one was. It might have been Dawn of the Dead at the end of my monsters class last semester? Which is not my usual fare by any means, but I did very much love that class.

Last song I listened to: “Don’t Carry It All” by the Decemberists which. Oof. It’s one that’s in my usual rotation but, again, hitting some places right now. (In part because there are a great number of people carrying things for me right now and I hope they all know how appreciated they are)

Sweet, savory or spicy: Probably sweet if you were going to make me pick just one (of the three, it’s more consistently kinder to all my sensory issues -- with the exception of most fruit -- plus there is almost nothing I love more than a good sweet warm beverage), but with a distinct savory niche, too, as testified to by my love of dishes like ramen and more savory baked goods and gyros.

What I’m currently working on: Wish I had.... a real answer to this. Staying afloat mostly and that IS an answer but also having something else going on is generally good for me, you know? I want to poke at fic again but have just not had the right brain for it. I think the closest I’ve come to working on anything in the last week or so has been doing some preliminary historical fashion research for me and my sister’s Percy and Cassandra costumes (re-working mine; building hers from scratch) and a tiny bit of helping Scribe with the start of a countermelody for a joint filk we want to write. Which is not nothing but!! I am so filled with ideas all the time and wish I had a bit more to show for it. Here’s hoping spring break next week helps a bit with that.

Obviously participating is totally optional but tagging @kidrat, @thesixthstar @times2die, @cormorant-red and @rattusn0rvegicus, if you want in!

[keichan]

August

You and Sugawara Koushi have been RAs at your university for the last three years. Though it’s easy to say that the two of you have never gotten along well. Follow the course of your senior year at Miyagi University.

Genre: enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, american style college au (though set in Japan)

a/n: hey guys! more of the story of their past will pour in over the school year! i hope everyone choses to tag along with the series every monday as things progress!

send me a message to be added to the taglist!

masterlist | next

You sighed as you plopped down onto your twin sized mattress. The familiar tile ceiling greeted you for the fourth year in a row. The mattress creaked ever so slightly as you rose in place to check your cell phone. It was almost 5pm and time for the first RA meeting before the other students began to move into the dorm.

Swinging your legs off the bed you landed to the ground and exited your room. Lazily scrolling through your phone you heard a groan from in front of you. You came to an abrupt halt. Coming from the opposing hallway was none other than Sugawara Koushi. It seemed that over the summer he had chosen to grow his hair out. It ever so slightly covered his gray eyes.

“How could I have been so fortunate to be signed to the same dorm as you. For the third year in a row. Now unfortunate to be assigned the same floor as you.” He crossed his arms over his chest as if he were expecting an answer from the gods above, to no avail. You scoffed, sliding your phone into your pocket. Ignoring him, you made your way to the elevator. Pressing the down arrow harshly, you felt his presence behind you.

“At least now I have another year to win RA of the month and for you to not.” He muttered under his breath.

The door chimed open. He stepped in behind you and pressed the ground floor. The silence between the two of you was absolutely sickening. As soon as the door opened once more, the two of you smiled and greeted your coworkers for the year.

-

It was move-in day for the residents.

You and Sugawara stood on either side of the entrance. Your eyes continually shifted over to him. Though the two of you were drenched in sweat, he was smiling and taking care of each student that entered the dorm. You rolled your eyes. How out of character. Even for him.

You tried your best to match his pace until about two hours later the two of you were rotated inside.

Sitting at a small desk, he propped his feet up on a table, fanning himself with the binder.

“Hopefully this weather cools off when classes start. I don’t want to walk half a mile to the education building to look like I’ve gone to a waterpark.”

“Get your feet off the table, it’s disrespectful.” You propped your face on your hand, glancing back at him.

“Oh?” He placed his feet on the ground and leaned towards you.

“So you like to sweat your ass off on the way to class?”

“I never said that.”

“Stop being so stuck up. I try to make small talk to be a decent person and you act like.” He waved his hand nonchalantly at you. “This.” He finished.

“Going on four years and you still are a prick.”

“I’m not a prick. You just don’t have communication skills and you expect to get a degree in education.” With that he stood up.

“At least the kids will like me when I teach them since I’m the fun one.” He winked at you before he disappeared behind a corner.

-

“Hi, everyone!” You greeted yours and Sugawara’s residents as you held your first joint meeting.

“Some of us here are freshmen and some of us here are not and that’s absolutely okay! My name is L/N F/N. I’m a senior here along with Sugawara Koushi. We’re both education majors so if you happen to be in the college of education and need help, feel free to reach out to us.”

Sugawara nodded. “Throughout the semester we will be holding events specifically for our floor and we will also do floor battles for the A and B sides of things, but all of those things will be announced in the future. If any of you need anything feel free to come to either of us.”

With that the meeting dissipated and you and Sugawara began to exit the room.

“I think this is going to be another year where I get RA of the month and you don’t get shit.” Sugawara stepped ahead of you out of the door.

You rolled your eyes and turned to the right side of the hall.

“Yeah right.” You muttered under your breath.

taglist: @tooruluv | @ashy-lyn | @heroesfan101 | @sunshine-honeybaby | @kayzume

[luvknow]

anything for you | lee felix

genre: rich kid!felix x reader | rich kid au ; friends-to-lovers au ; food ; swearing warning ; alcohol warning ; drinking and driving warning ; abuse warning summary: felix’s family owns the largest restaurant franchise in the country and your family works under them. you two have spent your entire lives together and somehow you’ve turned into mini versions of your parents with a boss and secretary type relationship. it wasn’t until last year on his birthday when he tells you he loves you while drunk that your friendship dynamic dramatically changes, and it’s not for the better when he pretends it never happened. wc: 11.2k

You and Felix were two peas in a pod.

From the moment you two were born until your last months at university, you were tied in this relationship for life. Were you two dating? No, of course not! Were you two friends? Well…

Your friendship with Felix was complicated because it was kind of… bought. There was no way to put it lightly, that was simply the origin of your relationship. It all started when Felix’s rich ass CEO of a Dad hired your Dad to be his right hand man in all decision-making aspects of the company he ran. You thought of your Dad as a Chancellor to the King, which I mean was still a high position in the company, but your peers around you thought otherwise.

You attended all the same schools as Felix (thanks to his Dad’s connections), attended the same after school activities (also thanks to his Dad), and even attended the same overseas summer camps (thanks to his Dad who owned the plane that flew everyone). Even then, after being on the same level as Felix for over twenty years, everyone saw you as Felix’s Secretary who waited on his every word. As a kid, your Dad was transparent about how all the privileges you had were all because of Felix and his family and that you should always treat them with respect. And as an impressionable kid, of course you took that a little too literal.

Your Secretary title started in Pre-School when Felix was crying because he forgot his toy to take a nap with at home, so you offered yours. Those small, kind gestures turned into getting him drinks and snacks whenever he wanted, to tutoring him in subjects he had trouble with, to completing essays he didn’t want to complete, and you did it all without ever complaining.

So despite receiving all the same opportunities as all the other inheritance-dependent kids, you were the bottom-feeder of your entire grade.

“_____ ~” Felix whined while entering your apartment. “I’m hungry.”

You exited your bedroom fixing the last couple buttons on your dress shirt. You’re not surprised to see him in the least, as you’re used to him coming in whenever he pleased since he owned the other copy of the apartment keys. “I have food in the fridge.”

“I don’t want a huge meal before the shareholders meeting.”

“You know where the snacks are, what are you waiting for?”

“I just wanted to ask just in case.”

The excited boy wasted no time invading your pantry and grabbing a handful of fruit snack packets, some he stuffed in his dress pants pockets and some he immediately tore open. He made himself home by flopping on your couch, also known as his second bed, and scrolled through his rotation of dating apps while waiting for his dear friend to finish getting ready.

“Don’t lie down like that!” you nagged. “Your pants are going to get all wrinkly!”

Rolling his eyes, Felix sat up straight, to which you immediately fixed random strands of hair  that strayed away from the rest of his slick-back style.

“What are you, my mom?” he mumbled, swatting away your hands.

“Don’t you know how important this meeting is? We could land our internships today.”

“Do you really think I need to worry about that?”

“I guess not… You don’t even want to try out another company for a semester? Scope out your partners?”

“That’s exactly why I shouldn’t be doing that. I’ll look so shady! You probably shouldn’t be thinking about doing that either.”

A small pout emerges from your lips. As much as you owe the Lees and their company your life, you’d like to think the possibility of freeing yourself from their financial shackles was high, even if it was for just one semester. But Felix was right - in order to avoid any spying controversies, it was probably best to not even think about another company. Basically, you were trapped with this company for life.

“Ready to go?” Felix broke the silence. He was the first to leave your couch and head for the door without even bothering to wait for you to catch up.

When you finished locking your front door, you caught Felix looking at your business casual outfit a little too closely. If you weren’t so quick with your reflexes, you would have bumped right into his oddly bulging chest (has he been working out lately?). Still, his foxy eyes scanned you up and down, slowly and intimately.

“Wh-What are you doing…?” you asked nervously. “Is my outfit too bland? It’s ugly, isn’t it? I can’t really glam up for a business meeting, you know.”

“Chill, why are you being hella defensive right now?” he teased. “No, you look good. Honest. Good enough to stand next to me, at least. I wouldn’t stand next to Father if I were you.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“You kind of fit that secretary stereotype you like so much. Especially since you’ll be following me around all day.”

“I do not!”

“Yeah, ok,” Felix tossed you the keys to his expensive black sports car, to which you were also covered as a driver by his insurance. For someone who owns several expensive cars, he sure hates driving them. “Shotty.”

“There’s only two of us…”

The car ride was mostly silent other than the deafening rap music that blared through the subwoofers. Felix could tell you were nervous depending on how talkative you were. If you were blabbering on about how you looked or something arbitrary for at least fifteen minutes, you were probably nervous about a date or maybe a quiz that was coming up in class. If you were silent, he knew that the matter was much more serious. Silence meant that you believed no matter what you did to change yourself or improve upon past mistakes, there was no hope and that whatever was coming was absolute.

“Don’t worry about today,” he reassured after reading your mind. “It’s not like you’re talking in front of hundreds of people at the meeting.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re used to this type of crowd.”

“Are you not? We have class with those good-for-nothing kids of theirs, it’s like the same thing!”

“It is definitely not the same thing! These people have power and they’re smart! The uni is full of idiots who got in with bribes!”

“And you don’t think our shareholders do their fair share of bribing?”

“Of course they do, and that’s what makes them even more terrifying, Felix! They have that kind of power to either buy my entire life or buy out and make sure I never see anyone’s faces again!”

“You say it like you haven’t been shackled to me for over twenty years.”

“That’s different ok, I was a commodity, I couldn’t change anything as a fetus.”

“And now you think you can?”

“I mean, I’d like to think so. Am I crazy?”

“No, not at all.” Gingerly, Felix patted your head like a little kid. “You’ll be just fine ~ I can even introduce you to the ones you want to talk to if you’d like.”

“That’s ok. I’d like to try on my own.”

He understood completely. How he wished he could have that little bit of freedom… To even think about leaving the company behind to work for someone else was blasphemous.

The shareholders meeting was a social event like no other - like, it might as well be a ball with all the people attending and all the press surrounding and being in the building. You pulled up to the normal valet guy who only chuckled at your shocked expression. Felix, on the other hand, wasn’t all that surprised and was rather annoyed at how something as simple as a meeting was getting this much attention.

After dodging all of the press and making it through several thresholds to reach the conference room, you helped Felix prepare for his opening speech.

“You seem more nervous than me,” Felix teased while you quickly smoothed out the wrinkles in his jacket.

“I'm nervous all the damn time.”

“Well, can you quit it before I start sweating? This outfit was expensive. Do you have my speech?”

Searching through your trusty bottomless bag that held everything from tips from your part-time at the cafe to snacks in case Felix got whiny, you pulled out a medium-sized notepad with his opening speech written on it.

“Really, _____? Hand written?”

“My sentences sound better when I write them down instead of typing it!”

“At least it’s legible.” Felix’s Dad announced over the microphone on stage that the meeting will begin shortly. He saw the both of you standing off to the side and waved happily, to which you both could only wave back. The boy in front of you sighed, and it’s the first time today he seemed only slightly nervous. He turned to you. “How do I look?”

How did the most handsome boy you’ve come to know look this morning? Dressed in navy with a white button-down, ears bejeweled and shining in the bright lights, his eyes and his smile sly and foxy, so of course to you he was the only one in the room who you had your eyes on because no one else could ever compare. That’s how it’s always been. 

Gentle fingers startled Felix, only for him to realize you were fixing his monogrammed silver tie clip. “You look just fine.”

“‘Just fine’? Not the sexiest man in the entire world?”

“I’d hardly call you a man…”

“Welcome to the YONGBOK Inc. Shareholders Meeting,” greeted your Father while on stage. Felix noticeably cringed at the sound of his birth name slash company name. “We will begin this meeting with an opening remark from Mr. Lee’s son, Felix.”

“Go get ‘em, Tiger,” you whispered with two thumbs up.

A loud round of applause erupted from the audience filled with press and shareholders. Lee Felix was named one of the most influential people under twenty-five this year and has consistently landed spots on Forbes’ 30 Under 30 list so yes, Felix was always highly anticipated as a guest to fashion shows and charity balls and even more so as a speaker for his future company. Though it was only less than a minute ago he was jittery with nerves, the second he stepped on stage in front of the podium, it was as if he was born to be a public speaker.

“Good morning, honored guests,” he began in his deep voice that startled unfamiliar guests..

His speech - your speech - wasn’t that long, since it was a simple welcome to all the rich people who gave the Lee’s their money. Regardless of its length, Felix somehow drifted his gaze towards the right where you stood. You, who always stood by him and was his friend through everything, stood at the sidelines giving him your unwavering support, even through this minor milestone. Despite this huge corporate building being the last place you want to be, still, you were here by his side.

In your eyes though, it looked like maybe his stage fright was worse than you expected, so you gave him two thumbs up again for reassurance. You couldn’t really tell what he was thinking because he seemed totally fine, in fact his execution was quite flawless, it was just… Why wouldn’t he look into the cameras? The stage lights that shined on him showcased the bright grin he gave when he saw how confused you looked.

“We will continue to work hard together so that YONGBOK will continue being the best restaurant franchise in the country,” was the motto of the company and how Felix ended the speech. With a deep bow and a wink for fan service, he exited the stage.

He fell into your arms clutching his heart. “Ugh, that was so scary!”

“You did fine,” you mumbled, quickly pushing him off before any cameras caught you. Still, he swung an arm around your shoulders unapologetically.

“All right, let’s ditch this popsicle stand.”

“You know we can’t do that or our Fathers will kill us.”

“You think I haven’t died and resurrected like a rising phoenix dozens of times?”

“Leave if you want, it’s your suicide.”

“You won’t come with me?” the handsome boy pouted.

“I’m not actually your secretary, you know.”

“I know, but I’ll be so lonely… Did you at least bring a snack?”

Felix decided to stay when he realized you weren’t kidding about wanting to sit through the entire meeting. Your right ear was focused on all the questions shareholders and the press had while your left ear focused on the child you were babysitting playing with the chocolate bar wrapper. Eventually the conflicting sounds merged into one when the lack of caffeine in your veins made it hard to concentrate for long hours.

“Bet you wished you left with me a couple hours ago, huh?” Felix teased once everything was over.

“Whatever. The important thing is that it’s over now.”

“Are you going to go talk with some of the shareholders?”

That was the original plan - to land an internship at a different company and slowly but surely escape the bubble that is the Lees’ world, but what was the use of making life harder on yourself if you’ll just be seen as a spy? What was the use in anything anymore when your life was determined the moment you came out of the womb?

You shook your head tiredly. “Nah, I think I’ll save that for another time.”

Felix linked his arm with yours like you were the gentleman and he was the lady. The warmth of another body so close to yours was only familiar when it was his, and you wished your body was unbiased and rejected anything within a five feet radius. “You wanna hang out with me that much?”

“Who said I’m hanging out with you? I’m driving you home.”

“No come on, let’s hang out today! Neither of us have class and when was the last time it was just the two of us?”

By ‘just the two of you’, he meant when was the last time you and him hung out without any business involved? When was the last time you and him had pizza together after a long week of midterms and studying, or the last time he picked you up from your part time at the cafe to have a cup of coffee, or the last time you talked about anything other than being ordered around by the Prince himself?

The answer to that question was last year on his birthday when he got too wasted and you didn’t have the strength to carry him up his multi-story mansion, so instead you carried him up to your humble apartment and let him crash on your bed the whole weekend (insisted upon staying the whole weekend because all the puking made him ‘weak’ and ‘dehydrated’).

Truth be told, you loved Felix’s company, whether it was business or personal. The hesitation was because you wondered if he truly felt the same way, especially since he never spoke about that night on his birthday. That night, a lot was said, but nothing was ever confirmed, so you were left in limbo while Felix managed to live in ignorant bliss.

It was better this way.

“I guess it’s been a while…” you trailed off.

“It’s been forever, love. Can we go to your cafe? I’m really craving the strawberry milk latte thing.”

“Anything for you, Felix ~”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

“Felix,” the haunting voice of his father echoed from behind. “Come here for a second -”

“That’s our cue!” The wild blond took you by the hand and sprinted out the conference room doors before his dad could catch him.

As if already predicting the time of events for the shareholders meeting, the valet already had the sports call pulled up and tossed you the keys for maximum efficiency.

“Hey, you’re hand-eye coordination is getting better!” Felix teased while hopping in the front seat.

“And your fear for your dad is not.”

“It’s not fear, it’s pure distaste. Completely different.”

The short ride to your cafe was anything but quiet as Felix filled you in on his most recent Tinder match. The story was something along the lines of ‘she was hot, but kind of stupid’, and you weren’t exactly sure what came after that because, well, you didn’t care. Hearing about the guy you were in love with slash your childhood friend slash the guy whose family bought out your family’s current dating app situation wasn’t exactly the most ideal setting, but hey, it beats sitting in that conference room for any longer.

The cafe was surprisingly not as busy around lunch time, even though it was Friday. Other than a few customers, the only other person in the cafe was your coworker Wooyoung who was busy dramatically singing to whatever drama OST was playing over the intercom.

“Are you making it?” Felix asked, referring to his strawberry latte.

“I wasn’t planning on it since I’m not working.”

“... Can you?”

“Are you serious!?”

“The last time someone other than you made my drinks, they tasted watery!”

He wasn’t wrong - a lot of the baristas here were a bit lazy with the job. You and Wooyoung were among the very few who genuinely cared for the cafe, the menu, and its customers. You supposed you could take a moment to step away from Felix - you sort of missed the barista behind the counter, anyways.

“Sit tight,” you told Felix, who obeyed happily at his favorite table.

Wooyoung with his cutesy cheeky grin chucked one of the ugly brown work aprons right at your face, to which you only whipped right back.

“I’m not working and you know that!”

“Can’t a guy dream to have the same shift with his favorite coworker? What are you doing here then?”

“Making a strawberry latte.”

“For yourself or for His Highness over there?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

Wooyoung knew all too well what your relationship was like with Felix and that was because he was also one of the elite, also known as a trust fund son. Wooyoung and Felix were from the same side of a coin, reigning from families whose net worth could buy out entire towns. The circle of the elite had a lot of members, but it was tight-knit, so everyone knew everything about everyone else. You were included in Felix’s dossier.

“You know, _____, you are your own person,” Wooyoung tisked as he hovered over you making the fruity drink. It was as simple as pouring milk over some strawberry compote (Felix liked it when there was extra compote) and shaking vigorously.

“You telling me that whenever I come in with him totally makes it more valid than the last time.”

“You know I’m just looking out for you.” His soft fingers gently pinched your cheeks. “You’re so sour today, I kind of like it.”

“Aren’t you known for liking people who have zero interest in you?”

“Exactly, so you better watch your attitude or I’ll steal you away from Mr. Lee Felix ~”

“You’re so weird!” Even so, Wooyoung stole a kiss on your bruised cheek before helping the customer at the counter. The aftermath left your face burning up, even though you were used to his flirtatiousness by now.

Of course Felix saw the entire interaction. Though he tried to hide behind his phone, he made sure to still have a view of whatever you and that spoiled ‘I-own-a-yacht’ Wooyoung were doing. You were much different around him than you were with that cheeky bastard behind the counter. With Felix, you were strict, quiet, and pouty, but with Wooyoung you were able to smile more and joke around and even laugh when you flicked whipped cream in his hair. In those short five minutes, that was a type of you he hasn’t been able to see since high school.

But now? You were so cold and distant. He could barely hang out with you without it seeming like it was some business meeting. What changed?

Felix watched you walk back to him holding his pink drink with your cheeks to match its color.

“I didn’t know you two were so close,” he said bitterly after you both exited the cafe.

“We work together, of course we’re close. You’re welcome, by the way.”

You’ll take his happy humming as he inhaled the latte as a thank you. “You talk about how much you hate some of your coworkers all the time!”

“I guess I do… but he’s different.”

“Of course he is…”

The handsome and pouty boy beside you did his best to ignore your accusing glare. “Do you have some beef with him, or something.”

“No,” he said simply in between gulps. “I just don’t like him.”

“You don’t like any boy I talk to.”

“Exactly.”

“So what happens when I really like someone? Do they need your ‘Lee Seal of Approval’?”

“Yup.”

You sighed heavily. “Why do you enjoy making my life so hard?”

“Because I love you, that’s why!”

You couldn’t count on all your fingers and toes how many times Felix has said ‘I love you’ since his birthday party. With his special day coming up again, the words hit harder than usual, even when you knew he was joking, but no ‘I love you’ hurt more than the first time he said it last year before he passed out on your bed.

Speaking of which, “Sooo ~ Guess what next week is ~?” Felix sang cheekily after hopping in the car.

“Uh, midterms week?”

“No ~”

“Buy one get one free soju at the karaoke place?”

“No…”

“Oh wait, isn’t it Han’s birthday next week?” He knew you were trying to push his buttons, but it clearly worked by the way he was glaring at you. “Yeah, that must be it.”

“So mean…”

“Are you two throwing a joint party again?”

“Yeah, but I think we’re skipping the club scene and throwing it at his house instead.”

“Wow, the Lee Felix is tired of the club scene?” you scoffed. “Never thought I would see the day.”

“Maybe it’s just my eyesight getting worse - I’d like to see who I’m hitting on for once.” One sharp stab in your heart. “Will you help me plan?”

Did you really have any other choice? “Of course.”

“Yes ~ This’ll totally top last year’s party!”

You sure hoped so, and you hoped you wouldn’t remember a single moment of it.

--

Planning for the party didn’t start until a couple days before the big date. Since Jisung was hosting, it was Felix’s responsibility to come up with all the decor and the theme and literally all the smaller bits and pieces of the party.

“Honey, I’m home ~” Felix sang as he walked into your apartment. An aroma of fresh spices and cooked meat and roasted vegetables hit his nose upon entering. “Whoa, are you cooking!?”

“We can’t plan on an empty stomach,” you stated the obvious. Immediately, a bowl of rice and the fixings was handed to the grinning boy.

“I love it when you cook. I haven’t eaten your cooking in a while.”

“I didn’t know you liked my cooking,” you blushed. “I haven’t cooked for you that often.”

“It’s because we’re both always so busy or we just eat the restaurant’s food when we’re lazy.” A happy hum came from his lips. “You have a mad talent for this, you know.”

“Do I?”

“Of course! The Boy with the God Tongue himself said so!” Being the future heir of the country’s largest restaurant franchise meant ridiculous chef-related nicknames, to which Felix enjoyed whole-heartedly. “You know this means I’m never going to let you leave YONGBOK.”

“Can you stop, you’re so embarrassing, it’s not that amazing!”

“You stop! Quit undermining your talents.”

“If it’s so good, what do you like about it?”

“For one, there’s tons of balance between the flavors. It’s also not as salty, which is what some of the chefs in some locations are having trouble with lately. But the best part is that it feels like home when I eat your cooking.”

“Like home? Like… as if your in-house chef was cooking it?”

Felix chuckled cutely. “No, I mean it feels like someone who loves me very much made this with lots of care.”

You’re too stunned to say anything right away. It felt as if Felix caught you in his trap and was forcing you to admit something that he knew from the very start. But now was not the time nor was it the place. As a response, you turned away and chugged the rest of your glass of water.

“Right,” you cleared your throat awkwardly. “G-Glad you liked it.”

Felix wondered why you wouldn’t look at him. “S-So, let’s get started?”

You took a bowl of food for yourself and refilled Felix’s before settling down at the table. “Do you have an idea for a theme?”

“Ok, hear me out - casino themed?”

“Isn't that underage gambling? Sounds super illegal to me.”

“Right, right… Ok, how about, uh, a masquerade?”

“Not bad, but a little cliche, no?”

“But it’s so sexy! Classy clothes, bejeweled masks -”

“Choreographed waltzing?”

“Yes! For the first half of course, then we’ll probably bump the real shit after a couple of drinks.”

“Hm, I actually like that.” You entered the theme into your notes. “Cool, we have a theme down. Now for all the decoration…”

That itself took about an hour. Imagine, talking about banners and balloon arches, and personalized masks for a whole hour with the most indecisive human being alive. How he’s expected to make major decisions for a multi-million dollar company one day, you’ll never know.

“Ugh,” you were over it, at least for another hour. You couldn’t take comparing different shades of gold and different grades of champagne anymore. Your couch was supposed to be your safe space away from Felix, but he followed you like a puppy and laid his head on your lap.

“This weekend is going to be so much fun! Did you get me a gift yet ~?”

“Uh, maybe…”

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise, silly.”

“Can I at least get a hint?”

“Probably the cheapest gift you’ll get.”

“Hey.” Felix silenced any doubt you had about your gift by taking one of your hands in his and holding it over his chest. He closed his eyes, tired from the day, tired by your constant doubts, tired of it all. “You know I don’t care about that kind of stuff when it comes to you.”

“I know, but I do.”

“Well, don’t. My favorite gifts have always been from you.”

“Even more than the diamond chain from Chan?”

“... Your gifts are my favorite after that one.” Your free hand poked his freckled cheek, causing him to laugh and smile brighter than the sun. Lying here with you made him happy. “I miss hanging out with you like this.”

“We hang out all the time!”

“Not like this. We never just chill out together and not worry about anything. We’re always worrying about something, especially since we started uni.”

“Uni sort of defines our future, so of course there’s tons to worry about.”

“Not for me. My life has been predetermined. If you think about it, uni doesn’t define your future, either.”

“I wish you didn’t tell me that,” you groaned. “You’re so right. What’s the point when the two of us are just going to take over our Father’s positions, anyways!?”

“Does our future together sound that miserable to you?” he teased. You wished he didn’t word it that way.

“Not miserable, but doesn’t it suck that we don’t have that sort of freedom? You and I have had our lives predetermined since birth!”

“Perhaps it was fate that you would be my Chancellor and I would be your King,” Felix snickered.

“Call it whatever you want, but where’s the joy we could get from spontaneity and disorder?”

“Good point. But I think you and I will find that joy just fine.”

“You think so?”

“Mhm. Life will always be a joy if I’m with you.” A tired smile spread across his lips. “You and I make a disorderly pair.”

You and him were definitely a disorderly pair. It was like you two were in a modern-day forbidden friendship that was only seen in royal fairy tales. Felix was the Prince, the apple of everyone’s eye, the boy with the highest ranking just below the King. You were the lowly common person who devoted their life to the castle and serving the royal family. Somehow, even with the drastic gap between your social classes, you both found each other and became inseparable. 

Through childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, the time spent together naturally formed your feelings for Felix to nothing less than love. You were the number one witness of seeing him laugh, smile, cry, and scream through all his happiness, sadness, and anger. You were the only one who knew the exact number of freckles that dusted his cheeks. You knew what specific snacks he wanted for certain craving occasions, his favorite orders at every restaurant, how he liked his instant ramen (with egg, American cheese, and green onions), and especially his cafe drink orders. When they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you supposed that was especially true for Felix.

After over twenty whole years together, how the fuck were you supposed to avoid falling in love? How were you supposed to look at Felix and feel with your whole chest that you were not madly in love with his beautiful face and his kind heart? When Felix told you he loved you with slurred words on his birthday last year, how were you supposed to let that go and live on like you didn’t cry in the shower for a whole month afterwards?

You put the blame for the disorder in this messed-up friendship all on Felix, but you couldn’t help but clean it up and do your best to keep it together. So when he forgot he said those magic words, you did your best to forget them, too, but the best you could do was bury the memory away and cover it up with work and school. It wasn’t the most ideal way to deal with the issue, you knew that, but the important part was that it was working even if it was just a little bit.

Felix was the first to wake up the next morning. You didn’t move a single muscle and ended up sleeping upright since he used you as a pillow. Still, your hand was in his and the other tangled in his messy blond hair and truly, being here with you was the only place that felt like home.

--

The day of the party was filled with chaos on your end, as you had to wake up at 6:00 am just to make it to Jisung’s pool house in time to set up the decorations for the joint birthday party. You ended up directing all the crews to where the cocktail tables needed to be set up, where the instagram photobooth should go, and where the Michelin-star chefs were going to set up for dinner. The most important part was the dance floor, which would be clean with nothing but some shoe scuffs for the first couple of hours and probably stained with different colors of liquor by the end of the night.

By noon you were totally wiped out having a stomach full of only coffee and a granola bar. The worst part was that you didn’t get a chance to buy a mask yet and would probably have to settle for some cheap recycled paper with sequins and feathers glued on it from the birthday party store down the block.

But as if the Gods’ translated your feelings telepathically to Felix, your Prince in shining armor came to the rescue with a sandwich, more coffee, and something in a matte black gift bag. The gesture, though small, made your cheeks burn the brightest of pinks. It was your first time seeing and talking with Felix since he left the comfort of your lap a couple of nights ago. Although you were unsure of yourself (as with any situation, am I right?), the Prince didn’t seem so phased.

“I figured you could use a pick-me-up,” he grinned brightly, handing you all the goods.

“You are a blessing,” you sighed, chugging the iced coffee. “What’s in the black bag?”

“It’s a surprise. Open it.”

“I thought today was your birthday?”

“It’s nothing big, I promise!”

You shot him a skeptical look, but opened up the gift regardless. Inside was an intricately bejeweled mask for tonight, colored perfectly to match your outfit.

“I went to your apartment because I thought you’d be there,” Felix began shyly. “I went to your room and saw your entire outfit laid out, but no mask, so I figured you didn’t have one yet. I bought one to match your outfit and to match mine! Mine looks exactly like that, but black.”

“You really didn’t have to,” you pouted, though staring at the shiny jewels adoringly. It was gorgeous and you never thought in your lifetime you could own anything so glamorous. The gesture lifted an extremely loaded weight off your shoulders and you couldn’t help but hug the birthday boy as a thank you. “You’re the best, thank you.”

“Anything for you, love.”

“Also, please stop going into my bedroom.”

“What, afraid I’m going to raid your panties?”

“Yes.”

“That’s fair.”

Felix spent the rest of the day helping you make the pool house perfect since it was also technically his job as the co-host. Holding the ladder while you hung up crystal decor was reminiscent of past Christmas parties that his family hosted. Your two families would come together and prepare the cookies, the eggnog, and the presents for the whole morning before the big party that started around dinner time, and you and Felix were in charge of the Christmas tree. He’s not too big on heights, so he always made you hang the ornaments on the top layer. It was a very adult networking and old people gambling games type of party, so you and Felix would always sneak off into his basement and play video games or watch corny movies with a stolen tray of sugar cookies.

The Christmas before uni was probably the last one where you two felt like kids and didn’t have to worry about what kinds of feelings would get in the way of your beautiful friendship.

“Ugh, my calves are burning,” you whined on your way down from the ladder. Your legs gave out on the second step down and the weight of your tired body pulled you down, causing you to drop to your death from a mere five feet above.

Luckily, your Prince had quick reflexes and caught you bridal style. As kids, it was surprising when Felix could carry anything even half his weight with his twiggy arms, but the fact that he could hold you without struggling or even breaking a sweat was the closest you’ve ever experienced a miracle.

A gentle, handsome smile came from his lips. “You ok?” he asked in his deep voice.

No, you’re definitely not, but lying was ok in this situation. “F-F-Fine! I am fine!”

“Are you sure?”

“Y-Yes! Uh, you can put me down now…!”

“Hm, but I kind of like holding you like this.” You hit his rock-hard chest lightly, to which he recoiled dramatically before placing you down gently. “Is that how you thank your hero!?”

“Thank you, My Hero.”

“That’s more like it.”

It wasn’t until around dinner time when you left Felix alone to be in charge of guiding all the caterers to their cooking spots while you sped home to get ready as fast as you could. You didn’t want to leave Felix in charge for more than an hour, otherwise there would be more room for error.

You must have had such little faith in him because he did as was told without any issues and was done well before the party was going to start. He took the down time to put on his satin black suit and fix his blond hair before putting on the matching mask. While looking in the floor-to-ceiling mirror, of course he admitted to himself that he would be the sexiest one at the party, but something about the view didn’t seem right. He didn’t have you beside him hyping him up like always. The view in the mirror was lonely without you.

“Good job with the chefs!” you called into the dressing room unannounced.

Felix could see you jogging in wearing the full outfit he saw on your bed this morning, now complete with the mask he gifted you in the reflection of the mirror. The view of you was stunning, so much to the point that the Prince himself was too afraid to turn around and look at you with his own eyes. You reminded him of the story of Medusa, who would turn men into stone if they dared to look at you, and Felix thought that he was well past that point, already frozen in place with his jaw dropped and hands fixated on his crooked tie.

Luckily, you didn’t seem to notice as you stepped in between him and the mirror. The feel of your knuckles brushing up against his chest broke him free of his frozen state, causing him to hitch his breath in his throat. It was very un-Felix-like to be this nervous, especially before an event that circled around him, but perhaps it was his sobriety that made him jittery.

“You good?” you reciprocated after a long moment of silence.

Prince Felix cleared his throat before speaking. “Yeah.”

“Nervous?”

“I guess so.”

“What do you have to be nervous about other than being the center of attention in front of hundreds of people?” you teased lightly.

“It’s not like I know everyone, though.”

“What do you mean? You and Han invited all the people you normally party with.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like I’m friends with all of them. I don’t hang out with them before 10:00 pm.”

Even behind the mask, you could tell his nerves were sincere. “Are you having regrets about this party?”

“I wouldn’t say regrets… I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know you put a lot of work into this.”

“Do you not want to go -”

“No! No, I want to go.” To ditch a party you worked on for forty-eight hours would be like slapping you in the face and he knew that. But he also knew if he said yes, you would follow him wherever he’d go in a heartbeat because that’s how much you loved him. He cleared his throat once more. “Will you stay with me?”

You raised a brow, unsure if you heard correctly. “Stay with you?”

“As in, will you stay by my side tonight?”

“You want me by your side the whole night?” Oh, how the tables have turned, in which Felix with his blushing cheeks couldn’t look you in the eyes as he nodded shyly. It was hard to believe what you were seeing with your own eyes and you wondered if you were dreaming. “Ok.”

“Really?”

Softly, you straightened his mask. “Anything for you, birthday boy.”

The anxiety from the claustrophobia of the party was replaced with the thought of being with you the whole night, but this is how he’d rather be. No longer did he want to stay in this room he filled with bad energy, so he took you by the hand and led you back to the main room where guests quickly filled in. Anxiety filled his chest again and you felt it through his hand squeezing yours tightly, as if afraid you would let go and slip away into the crowd where he’d never see you for the rest of the night. You’re not sure what’s gotten into him and you didn’t want to make it worse, so you led him to the tables of food hoping he could fill the emptiness in hopes of loosening up a little.

Even while eating food, Felix refused to let go of your hand, so you had to act as his free hand and feed him gourmet finger foods.

“You’re even more of a baby on your birthday,” you scoffed.

“But you love babying me, right?” he teased.

“I don’t know if ‘love’ is the right answer…”

The beginning of the night was nothing short of energy-draining as every single guest came up to greet Felix on his birthday and greeted you second. It was crazy that even in a room full of hundreds of peers, the crowd was still able to distinguish the birthday boys from everyone else, but you supposed it was easy because who else was blond and this handsome? The same way you looked at Felix, everyone else also had their eyes on him because he was truly that stunning in a crowded room.

It was occasions like these when you felt most out of place. You only ‘belonged’ here because Felix was your ticket in, but you would never become one of the elite. You didn’t have all the luxury of buying a new outfit or new jewels for every occasion like everyone else here. You were a simple person in your humble apartment living your predetermined life and getting by without any conflict, all thanks to him. That was what made you believe for twenty years that you had no right to fall for Felix the way you did - you were nothing more than the King’s hired Chancellor.

Even so, when the whole room was looking at him, he only looked at you.

The next song was a common waltz song that was played at every masquerade party on the planet. With a hop in his step, you found the birthday boy in front of you bowing with his hand still in yours.

“Will you dance with me?” he asked dramatically like he was playing a character.

“Why, of course, Your Highness.”

Waltz dancing was definitely not the first talent you’d think of while wondering what Felix was good at, but to your surprise, it was like he’d been taking classes for years. You knew little-to-nothing about it yourself, but it was easier when your date took the lead and you didn’t have to think, just follow. It was a ride, honestly, and you couldn’t stop yourself from giggling, even when the dance finished with Felix dipping you, faces close and noses barely touching.

You hardly noticed his eyes shift to your lips in the midst of all the giggles. “When did you learn to do that!?”

“Last night,” he admitted sheepishly. “Are you impressed?”

“Very.”

“Then those three hours of Youtube tutorials were worth it.”

Your predicted cycle of food, dancing, alcohol, and back to food was correct. Several rounds lasted several hours to the point where you were at the perfect amount of tipsy, but still able to navigate, although if any more rounds of alcohol were going to happen, you might be in trouble. Keeping up with the birthday boy was so hard!

But you didn’t mind, because the poison made you forget about how much you didn’t belong there and swept any overreaction to Felix’s affection under the rug, though it was getting harder to do the latter, as each shot meant closing the distance between you and him. Somehow, you went from holding his hand to his hand never leaving your waste, with your bodies keeping close contact, a feeling you’ve always been familiar with even when sober, but this time was different.

“So,” he began in the middle of the dance floor. “When do I get my gift?”

“How about after your birthday cake?”

“Birthday cake?”

On cue, the lights dimmed and the music stopped. Jisung found his way next to Felix and all the chefs rolled out a giant tiered cake with candles on it, cueing all the guests to sing happy birthday. You made sure to keep the design simple, but the flavors immaculate and matching the boys’ palates because that was the most important part. Even from afar, you could smell the chocolate.

You tried to step away from him so that he and Jisung could have the spotlight together, but even then he didn’t want you to leave. He squeezed your side a little tighter, a silent gesture that said, ‘please don’t go.’

By now, you were starting to sober up a bit and that was a bad sign because now you were realizing that this whole night would be forgotten tomorrow, just like last year. Still, you stayed by his side because that’s what he wanted.

Why it had to be you, you’ll never know, but the feeling was too right to question it.

At the end of the song, the birthday boys blew out the candles and the cheers deafened your ear drums. What shocked you next was the feeling of soft lips on your cheek.

“Thank you,” Felix whispered with so much adoration. “For everything.”

You’ll never be able to recover from tonight. “Why are you like this all of a sudden? Have you had too much to drink?”

A cute giggle escaped his lips. “No, I’m fine. This day feels extra special, that’s all. You’re the reason.”

Felix was such a smooth honey talker when there was a little something swimming in his bloodstream. You should know better not to take these words to heart, but you can’t help it when they’ve all you’ve ever wanted to hear. A repeat of last year was bound to happen any second.

You did your best to avoid the compliment. “Do you want your gift now?”

“Ooh, yes!”

The gift was hidden in the room you find him in earlier today. You were too embarrassed to set it up next to the gift table that was dressed in bags with brands like Cartier and Gucci, so you stashed it away from the rest. The bouncy and excited boy had the widest grin on his face, impatiently waiting for you to present him with what you had.

“Close your eyes,” you demanded.

Felix held out his hands with his eyes closed and expected something small, like a watch or a cupcake or some plush toy that he could strap on his keychain, but instead nearly stumbled forward holding something as heavy as a textbook.

“Ok, open your eyes.”

He wasn’t too far off, actually. In his hands was a thick, heavy book titled “Felix & _____” that you printed out on an embossed label maker. Inside were infinite pages of pictures, stamps, receipts, travel brochures, foreign currency, movie tickets, anything and everything from most if not all the memories you spent together over the past twenty years. The first few pages were filled with old film pictures and polaroids you had to steal from your parents and the later pages progressively got more crowded with trinkets and things when you two were old enough to hang out on your own.

For a while, Felix was silent as he flipped through all the memories. There wasn’t a smile on his face, no tears streaming down his cheeks, in fact he was emotionless and now you were confused. He told you he didn’t care about money or the cost of gifts when it came to you, but…

“You hate it,” you stated rather than asking.

Felix looked up at you, completely sobered up, with the most incredulous expression. “Of course not,” he reassured softly. “I love it. So much. You saved all of this…?”

“I saved every receipt that wasn’t smudged with barbecue sauce or oil and every movie ticket since the start. I had boxes full of it and I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I didn’t have the heart to throw it away, so I made you a scrapbook. It took forever, but luckily your family’s historian captured a lot of the earlier stuff.” Felix was listening, but his eyes were fixated on the last page, where you pasted a single picture of a selfie you two took just a couple days ago. “Happy birthday, Felix.”

Flipping through the scrapbook made him realize that yes, so much has changed between the two of you. There’s so much growth and care and love in between the pages and the fine lines that isn’t seen unless you look for it. As he looked at you, with your cheeks dusted scarlet and wearing your heart on your sleeve, perhaps him pretending he didn’t tell you he loved you last year was what was slowly drifting you away from him, because how were you going to deny to his face that you didn’t love him, too?

Perhaps it was best you would admit it to him on your own time. For now, he hoped a gentle kiss on your forehead would push you a little bit.

His rose petal lips left your forehead tingling. “You’re the best. Thank you.”

When Felix tried to close the gap in between, you took a large step back. You couldn’t look him in his eyes and now he’s confused and his heart hurts.

“Why do you keep doing that?” you asked.

“Doing what?”

“Holding my hand, holding me, kissing me…”

“Oh, I thought you were ok with all of that.”

You take a deep breath. You can’t let last year repeat itself. “You’re wrong.”

“I’m wrong?”

“You can’t just do that whenever you feel like it.”

“Do what!?”

“Play with my feelings!” You took another breath to calm you down and prevent anymore tears that were about to pool. “I have feelings, Felix. You can’t just use me whenever you feel like it and take it all back like it never happened the next morning!”

“I have feelings, too. How the fuck else was I supposed to deal with the night I told you I love you and you didn’t say it back?”

You’re left stunned and speechless. Felix just admitted to you that he once told you he loved you. He didn’t have to say when for you to know that he was talking about the inebriated self on your bed mumbling those three words as you tucked him in on his birthday last year.

“You didn’t say it back and I thought you didn’t feel the same, so I pretended to forget all about it. But now I know you feel the same,” he begged desperately. “I just know. Tell me I’m wrong, _____. Tell me I’m wrong to think that after all these years together, I think you fell in love with me the same way I fell in love with you.”

You couldn’t say anything. You couldn’t admit that he was right because he was drunk then and he’s still a little intoxicated now. But even if he’s right, even though you both knew how much you loved every cell of Felix, what if all this sweet talk was brewed by the mix of drinks that settled in his core? What if he forgets again tomorrow and you’re left in a worse state than you were last year? What if the alcohol just jogged last year’s memory that was stored deep in his cortex that only tequila was able to unlock?

The more you tried to make an excuse for it, the more ridiculous it sounded...

When you didn’t say anything right away, Felix was sure if he had his ribs broken that it would hurt less than the pain he felt in his chest right now. But that wasn’t your fault - nothing was ever your fault. This was all his doing because that’s what Felix did best - screw everything up.

The blond’s once hurt expression turned to stone before he dropped the scrapbook onto the cushioned chair next to his belongings.

“My mistake then,” he muttered before leaving you alone in the room.

“Felix, wait -” but it was too late, he was already out of the room to do something stupid to forget what just happened.

You ran after him, but the party room was so loud and dark and filled to the brim with guests that you couldn’t find him. In a room full of people, you were always able to find Felix no matter what, but it’s like he changed the makeup of the atmosphere to make sure that wouldn’t happen again for the rest of the night. You tried looking for blond locks from high ground, you tried snaking your way on the dance floor, you even checked the private rooms and men’s bathrooms in the whole house and none of them worked. You were afraid that after all the heartbreak, you wouldn’t see him again for a long while.

You bumped into Jisung in an empty hallway, who seemed out of breath like he was running a marathon just now.

“You have to come with me,” he gasped in urgency.

“What happened?”

“It’s Felix. He’s about to race Wooyoung.”

Those five words sounded like a terrible ad-lib in the newspaper, but when you followed Jisung to the front of the pool house, lo and behold half of the guests were gathered around the two boys who looked like they were about to get into a fist fight. In Felix’s hand, you could see that he was holding the keys to his sports car that was already parked out front.

Wooyoung’s the first to see you run to them from the crowd, with Jisung following behind you. “Hey, _____. Can you tell Prince Charming here that I’m not about to race him and go to jail?”

“That’s because you’re a pus -”

Jisung held Wooyoung back before he could get a swing in and you stepped in between. This was the first time you got a good look at his face, which was tear-stained and flushed red, all because of you.

“What are you doing!?” you muttered harshly.

“Trying to understand what you see in this guy. It’s not his looks, or his brains. Can’t be his car either, but I just wanted to prove my prediction just in case.”

His breath smelled like freshly poured alcohol. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Am I ridiculous, though? I think I might be onto something when I said there’s something that you see in him.”

“There’s nothing, so can you please give me your keys so we can talk inside?”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

Ouch. “Ok, we won’t talk. Let’s do something else -”

“I don’t want to do something else with you. I want to race and kick his ass.”

“You want to crash and burn that badly?” Wooyoung screamed over Jisung’s shoulders. “Fine, let’s drive!”

The crowd cheering only boosted Felix’s ego more, so he broke free from your wall and walked towards his car.

“Felix, don’t do this!” you cried out desperately, and for a second you could see the hesitation, but it was easily overcome.

“If you don’t want to be here, then go home. I don’t need you.”

The crowd oohed in unison and your left in the middle of the circle humiliated, watching the boy you loved the most get into his car and prepare to race your coworker. There’s a myriad of scenarios that fly through your mind of what could go wrong and you’re not sure if you should stay for the mess of the aftermath. But Felix said it himself that he didn’t need you, so maybe you should follow his advice and go home.

If something were to happen to him and you weren’t there to pick up the pieces and mend them back together, you would never forgive yourself. Your life’s purpose had always been to help Felix mend his pieces together whenever he needed it. But maybe this was his way of telling you that you were no longer needed for that - that you were free of all your duties as his personal fake secretary and since he thought you didn’t love him back that you served no purpose to him anymore.

When Felix said he didn’t need you, he meant that he didn’t need you to be the person you always were. He didn’t need you to be his babysitter trying to stop him from doing something stupid, he needed you as someone who wanted to stop him because you loved him and was afraid that he’d get hurt. And perhaps it was his mistake for saying it so harshly because you didn’t bother to stop him after that. But it hurt him to his core that you believed him when he said he didn’t need you anymore, that after twenty years you so easily believed that he could cut you out of his life, just like that. How many stupid mistakes could Felix make tonight? He was too far into this that he couldn’t back out, so all he had to do was race and make it out alive to see you again.

From the rear view mirror, he saw your distant figure fade away with the night.

--

It has been a long sixty-eight hours and twenty-four minutes since you arrived home from the birthday party. Hermit crabbing for the first twelves hours was stressful - you couldn’t sleep until 6:00 am, you only slept for a couple hours, you sent mass text messages to multiple people, including Felix, curious about his whereabouts and no one got back to you until twelve hours after that.

han solo [8:43 pm]: sorry darling, i like just woke up. he’s fine i guess.

you [8:44 pm]: what do you mean you ‘guess’!?

han solo [8:44 pm]: i mean they both came out unscathed and his dumbass won so physically he’s fine! but he didn’t seem too happy that he won. i think he’s back home with his parents atm.

That settled your racing heart only a little, but at least you knew he was fine physically, at least. Still, your hundreds of texts sent to him were all left on read, meaning he saw all your desperation and worry and didn’t bother to ease any of it.

You couldn’t eat for those long hours, but now it was getting unbearable and you needed to eat something. You had all the ingredients for Felix’s favorite soup, and as much as you didn’t want to constantly remind yourself of him, you couldn’t help yourself. The process was nice and slow, where you took extra care into washing the vegetables and bringing the broth to a gentle boil before dropping everything in. You could imagine the look on his face if he smelled what you made with your own hands.

Cooking for Felix was a very rare occasion because you were still self conscious about your abilities, especially as someone who was going to work for the country’s largest restaurant franchise. But the times he’s tasted your creations, his reaction was nothing but sincere bliss, cleaning his plate or bowl or several every time. He was the only one who truly believed in your talents and far-off dream when your parents wanted you to follow your Dad’s footsteps. You always cared about what Felix thought about you and your actions and nearly everything, but what he thought about your cooking was one of the most important things and his constant support for your craft was what made you fall for him so much harder than you already did.

The aromas of the soup made you miss him even more. If you didn’t hear back from him today, you were going to take drastic measures and find him yourself.

A quiet, eerie knock came at your door. You hesitated, wondering if you should just pretend you weren’t home, but then a voice spoke up.

“I know you’re home,” Felix said. “I can smell you cooking my favorite soup.”

You dropped your wooden spoon and hurried to open the front door. Behind the door revealed a tired Felix with one bruised up eye and cut up lip. Though the tears quickly fell from your eyes and you covered your gaping mouth, he still gave you a weak smile in hopes of easing any worry you now had.

“I kind of need you,” he admitted softly. “I really need you.”

Speechless, you took Felix by the hand and sat him on your couch before grabbing your massive first aid kit. He’s not surprised that you took him in with open arms without any hesitation because that was the kind of person you were. He loved that about you, but there’s guilt in his heart because he’s the last person who deserves this treatment. He knew you didn’t exactly forgive him yet because you still haven’t said a word, even as you were wetting a cotton swab with isopropyl alcohol.

“Is it going to sting?” he asked. You didn’t bother answering and let him feel the pain for himself. “Motherfucker!”

Through all the cleaning and wincing, though your facial expression didn’t move much, a waterfall of tears fell from your eyes at a constant speed. Since you were kids, Felix’s Dad was big on spanking and physical discipline, but this was a whole different level than you’ve ever seen before - this wasn’t discipline, this was intentional. Even so, Felix still smiled, even through all the stinging.

“Stay still,” you whispered, voice shaking. Your free hand held his face in place by pressing your palm into his nonbruised cheek. The wound still stung, but the wincing at least lessened. When the cotton swab dried up and you weren’t sure what to do, Felix calmed your racing thoughts by placing a hand on top of the one you had on your cheek.

He liked the way your thumb gently brushed across his cheek. Your touch always left tingles in its absence.

“What happened?” you finally asked.

“Dad found out about the racing because it was in the tabloids as ‘Future YONBOK CEO Caught Racing Under the Influence. Is the Future of YONGBOK in Good Hands?’ and, well, you know how that turned out.”

You said nothing while shaking your head. You took your hand back and stood up to get something and the fear of you leaving him again left Felix sweating and tears of his own pooling in his eyes. But you came back with a bag of frozen peas to press against his bruises and swollen lip.

“Are you hungry?” Felix nodded silently. “I made your favorite soup.”

“I know. Did you know that I was coming?”

“No. I guess I’m lucky.”

One of his hands is on top of yours holding the frozen peas and the other grabs hold of your other free hand. Felix wanted to hold you in every way possible, but for now this would have to do until you accepted him.

“You know I love you,” he told you. “And you know I will always need you. I’m sorry I pretended to forget about telling you last year and I’m sorry if that made you think I was insincere the second time. But now you know for sure that I love you. Was I really that wrong to think you felt the same?”

“It seems like you already know my answer.”

“I need to hear you say it.”

You sighed heavily. By now the tears had stopped, but you wouldn’t be surprised if they started up again. This was the first time you would admit aloud that you loved the stupid boy who tried to hide his smile sitting in front of you.

“I love you, Lee Felix. I always have.”

“Knew it ~” he sang. “Tell me when you fell for my handsome looks.”

“Remember Prom night?”

“Prom night!? Seriously?”

“My date standing me up and you offering to dance with me the whole night sounds like the perfect formula to fall in love with you, does it not?”

“I guess! I just thought it’d be longer than that!”

“I’m sure it has been longer than that.”

“Really?”

“Prom night was just the point of no return - that no matter what I did, my feelings were absolute and I couldn’t be in denial anymore. But I didn’t feel any different… And that’s when I assumed I just always loved you.”

“Even when I do stupid shit like this, you still loved me that much, huh?”

“Even with a busted lip, I still think you’re the most handsome.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” he chuckled. “Do you know when I knew?”

“Uh, last year?”

“Nope. On your tenth birthday.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. When you shared your birthday cake and gave me the corner slice with the most icing flowers on it, I knew you were the one for me.”

“Can you be serious for once!?”

“Baby, I am dead serious! Look me in the eyes - well, my good eye.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.” Felix pressed a long kiss to your forehead and then rested his own up against it. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“And being an ass.”

“Yes, and being the biggest ass.”

You dared to kiss his lips, but just enough for them to touch, too worried about hurting his bruise. Felix didn’t care - this was the only time you’d have your first kiss and he wanted it to be long and slow, putting his all into your very first kiss even if it hurt a little. His lips were hungry for yours and so were his hands, making you drop the frozen peas on the floor so he could pull you into his lap to deepen the kiss. Wandering hands traveled your waist and your own in his hair and all your worries about wondering if love was truly real melted away with every second. Even when you broke free to come up for air, Felix refused to loosen his grip on your waist, holding you so close that he buried his face in the nape of your neck. He short breaths tickled your skin and when you giggled, he peppered kisses all over. Your laugh was music to his ears.

“Do you forgive me?” he said in between kisses.

“Mm,” you hummed. “Just don’t leave my side again.”

“Never again. I promise you.”

“Well… Where do we go from here?”

“Hm… I get to eat my favorite soup with the love of my life?”

“I like the sound of that.”

“And then straight to bed.”

“But it’s only 9:00 pm?” A playful, naughty smirk spread across Felix’s lips. “Lee Felix!”

“What!? I won the race, can’t I get a prize!?”

“Stop.”

Soup was always better with your love and a cup of frozen peas.

[astormyjet]

Winter of 2018 - Summer of 2021 TIME FILES WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 20s!!!!

OH BOY. It’s been three years (or more) since I updated this. “Time is a weird soup!” to quote a fave. I guess I quit tumblr around the time there was a purge of content and creators and a smack down on a lot of the fandom communities. Tumblr has always been something of a crapshow though so I’ve been more productive with my time than I was in some ways, but I’ve also found other ways to waste my time. *cough twitter/netflix/youtube/MTGArena cough*.

General Life Achievements since 2018 -JLPT N3 GET in 2019! -Blackbelt GET in 2018! -TESOL 120 Hour and BE 50 Hour Cert from online provider GET in 2021 -STUDENT LOAN BANISHED (Thank you grandparents) -Survived Apartment flooding in early 2020. -Mystery anxiety related illness and chronic pain in my left leg from early 2020 - Present. -A mythical 6th and 7th year on the JET Programme. -Started posting on Instagram a lot more about my wanderings around Matsuyama/Uwajima. Mainly old buildings and stray cats. @astormyknight -Surviving so far in Japan with old rona-chan.

2018 was rough. I was given an additional school in the first semester (March to July) as we had someone find a better job. I enjoyed it, but it was a bit of a rough go especially when I was transferred that August after three fantastic years at Tsubaki JHS and ES and only a semester there. I legit went through the five stages of grief - which I think is another reason I stopped blogging. I was given my current base school along with four other schools. Going from 2(3) to 5 schools was a bit of an adjustment. I still feel a bit spread out.

That said, I keep running into teachers and students who were at the Tsubaki’s. The teachers shuffle around every April, so it's always a lottery with which new faces are going to be old friends (or enemies…). A couple of kids moved and transferred into my current schools from Tsubaki too. So I have one kid I can say I've been teaching for 6 out of the 7 years I've been here!

One of the kids who was in JHS 3rd grade when I first got here (in 2015!) hangs out around one of my favorite cafes, so I got chatting with him recently. He's in his second year of nursing school - his class nearly broke me in the first year, it was really a trial by fire with those kids. I was 22 then, and he’s 20 now, so it was interesting chatting to him about that first year of teaching. His younger sister was one of my favorite students too, she was in the group of kids that graduated in the March of 2018, the year group that went through Tsubaki JHS with me - they’re newly minted University students now!

This Thursday morning when I was cycling in to work, a kid who was 2nd year JHS when I left  (so 2nd or 3rd year JHS now) pulled up with their Mum in a van and got their mamachari out of the back to bike to school. The franticness of it all was hilarious. Their Mum legit sat on the horn until I pulled over. I was so happy to run into this kid, even at social distance and both of us late to work/school - because we both remembered each other and as they were going around the corners they were yelling each time they turned and humming the old elementary school directions chant and pelting me with questions about what I’ve been up to.

I've had so many students and schools now, that everything is kind of running into a blur. I remember flashes of kids faces and voices, random memories of in class or out of class shenanigans out of the blue. Also, I now, more than ever, have issues remembering kids' names, but I still know their faces (even with their masks), whose homeroom class they were in, who their friends were and which club they were in. I get random flashbacks to past conversations with them when I see them on the street or we run into each other. I feel bad because the first thing former students ask is ‘Do you remember my name?’ and I always have to be like, ‘Honestly, no, but I remember you did this on x day, x month in x classroom’.

Socially in 2018 -2019 - a few of our friends went home and things shook up a little. Our DnD group changed a bit - one of our players stepped into the role forever DM (THANK YOU RALPH). From memory the newbies were great - some of them just went home at the start of last month and it’s weird not seeing them around (JESS DO YOUR BEST!). I think we only have one or two people left from that rotation. There’s no 6th year ALTs, and only two 5th years.

Aug 2018 - Aug 2019 was the year of Hiura - my mountain school. Dang man, they were so cool. The students of the JHS and the ES combined barely hit 30, so each class was between 3-10 students depending on the grade. It was easier to get to know the kids, their abilities and their goals than it has been for me at other schools. I miss it so bad, being in nature once a week did my country-kid heart so good! The bugs! The frogs! The river! The mountain! The monkeys! The lizards! The dilapidated houses and hidden shrines!!!! The random crabs in the English room...I forgot that there was such a thing as freshwater crabs, and being right next to a river, the invasion wasn’t as out of place as I first thought...  

The area is so picturesque and calming. Every week up there was a small adventure (after getting over my motion sickness from the bus ride up). The kids were constantly pranking either myself or the main English teacher. There was always some new weird bug or lizard in a tank to be educated about. There were chickens on the way to the JHS that used to escape from their cardboard box prisons to run riot on the gardens. There were old people to freak out with my youth and foreignness! The kids also got to do a lot of extra classes, sumiyakai (making charcoal the traditional way), planting and maintaining rice paddies, setting up vegetable gardens, raising fireflies, conserving a special breed of fire lily (only found in this particular mountain valley) and another rare flower, wilderness training ect.

I wish I could have stayed there a lot longer but SOMEONE (read...the BoE) decided that schools had to be shuffled again(thank goodness the dude who has it now was able to keep it from the 2021 shuffle, he's the best fit for the school). I had so many good memories from there, I wish I had been more consistent in writing it down. I do have a bunch of photos and videos from there though, so that's nice. The only thing I don’t miss is the bus trip up and down - not only was it motion sickness, there was a healthy dose of fear each ride as the driver brought us perilously close to the edge of the mountain drop…

2019 - 2020 was interesting. With the school I got given instead of the Hirua’s I was roped into more demonstration lessons which was a lot of pressure because I was also involved quite heavily with the JHS observation and training lessons too. They were somewhat rewarding, the third graders are now super smart 5th graders, but the teachers  who need to embrace the new curriculum and ways of teaching really haven’t taken on anything from the lessons....

Outside of work as well, I was given the chance, thanks to an ALT buddy of mine, to join in with the local festival. It's been one of the biggest highlights of my time here, and I am gutted it’s been cancelled for the last two years, but I understand the reason…. I was able to travel to Okinawa too during that summer for an international Karate seminar with the Dojo I train with. I met the head of the style I currently practice and a bunch of people from around the world. I also got to see Shuri castle before it burned down. So that was a stroke of luck. One of the places I want to go when/if we get out of this pandemic is Okinawa. I want to see more of those Islands so bad. Just before the whole pandemic thing too - I managed to see the Rugby World Cup, a Canada vs NZ match, I even ran into Tana Umanga in Oita city!!!

2019 - 2020 was supposed to be my last year on JET, so I was frantically Job hunting. I went to the Career Fair in Osaka in early Feb/Late January 2020. I applied and got interviewed for a position in Sendai in early Jan 2020. In the end though - the Rona hit. We started hearing whispers of it around the end of 2019, then the cruise boats happened, and then Japan refused to cancel the Olympics...every holiday season there is a new wave of infections, my nurse friends in Tokyo are struggling....my teacher friends in more populous areas of Japan are struggling…

JET couldn't get new ALTs for 2020-2021, I took the extra year when it was eventually offered, as the one job I had managed to get a serious offer for was hesitating because with the rona setting in, things were uncertain. There was a lot of time spent adjusting to the new rules surrounding what we could do in class with the kids as well as textbook change. Schools shut on and off during the spring months. 

I also got a reminder of my mortality mid May with an unrelated illness which is still smacking me around a bit - stress/age, it does things to the human body it has no right to. It's only been in the last three months I’ve been able to exercise like I used to, I’ve put on a bunch of weight I can't shrug off (one part medication, another part diet) My relationship with food needs to change, and I really need a kitchen that allows me for more than one pan meals. I also need to figure out what to do with a left leg that is in constant pain from the knee down and a heart that misses beats when stressed out (mentally and physically…). 

My apartment also got flooded by the guy upstairs at one point, I spent most of late February/early March living in a hotel while my walls and floor got redone - I think this was one of the things that really stressed me out and kicked my anxiety right up a notch, it was right when things were getting REALLY bad with rona-chan in Hokkaido and schools were shutting down here as it was filtering into the prefecture and so Japan closed schools for the first time…

Classes in covid times have been weird. We’ve been wearing facemasks full time since the early stages of the pandemic (March 2020) - so I admit that I get a bit pissed off seeing both Americans and New Zealanders back home bitching about just having to start wearing them full time in public. I have asthma and have been suffering with the things on during the 30*C plus with high 90s humidity summers. Teachers were offered vaccines late July 2021, just days before the Olympics were open - and I finished my two shots in the middle of August. But the overall distribution and take up of the jab has been slow.  As mentioned above, we can't play a lot of the games we used to play with kids in classes anymore, and a lot of the activities outlined in the textbook curriculum need to be adjusted too, so we’ve had to be creative. We use hand sanitizer a lot more too. One of the things I miss the most though, is eating lunch with the kids.

Socially from summer 2020 - now 2021 we played a lot of DnD and board games, both online and in person when we could. There were no new ALTs again for the 2021-2022 JET year, and those of us who were in 6th year were offered a 7th. Four out of six of us took it. As a whole we’re down from a peak of 38 ALTs for Junior High and Elementary school to 22 for now. We hopefully will get a new person at the end of September, and 4 more in November. Which will bring us to 27. This has led to ANOTHER round of school shuffles.

Summer vacation has been weird the last two years. With rona-chan, we haven’t really been able to travel. All the summer festivals (all the Autumn and Winter ones too!) have been cancelled, so the changing of seasons just feels, wrong. I dunno. There is so much we all miss from pre-rona-chan, and so much that doesn’t happen that makes this just feel like one long long unending year of sadness, coldness, raininess, unbearable heat and repeat. I’m tired. Time is going so fast, but so.dang.slow.

I lost my favorite school (AGAIN GDI!!!) and gained the school I taught a semester at in 2019....I had my first day there on Wednesday. Schools actually started back on September 1st so there was some drama as the BoE didn’t communicate fast enough about our school changes. We legit got told on the 27th of August (on a Friday) our schools were changing effective September 1st, but somehow some of our schools found out on the Monday 30th August. In July we were told we would be changing schools at the end of September, so.a lot of ALTs and schools were left short changed, not having opportunities to say goodbye to co-workers or students/having their planning for the semester more or less thrown out the window too. I love my job. I really dislike the way the BoE treats us, the Japanese assistant language teachers and our schools.

The new school I have is used to having an ALT there twice a week, who plans all the lessons and executes them. I’m at three elementary schools. I'm only at each once a week, I want to plan, but being that I miss an entire lesson in between visits, it's going to be difficult to do so. Not impossible, but being that I'm already doing it for two other schools, who are at two different places in the textbook ah…….. From what I have talked to my new supervisor about though, it sounds like the teachers have taken on more of the lesson planning and I'll be able to contribute ideas when I'm there. I just want to and wish I could do more without being confused all the time. (This is all usually done in my second language too, not in English so extra levels of confusion and miscommunication abound).

 I feel like this at my JHS too a lot of the time. I want to contribute more, but even with constant communication with my main in school supervisor (who is a badass and pretty much on the same page about everything with me) I still feel about as useful as tits on a bull. Especially now that classes have been cancelled and or shortened, there's less time to do stuff. Any game or activity I plan is usually cut in favor of making up time in the textbook. When I'm in class, I'm back to being a tape recorder, the fun police and general nuisance.　

Also in the last week...my two of my schools were  shut due to students testing positive for the rona. This is the second time my schools have had a scare in the last 8 months. And by shut, I mean the students were all at home, but the teachers  all had to come into the office. Because why not I guess….. I mean,  the cases increasing is really not unexpected with the amount of people who were travelling over obon and the increase of cases due to the Olympics/Japan being slow on vaccinating/delta being the dominant strain/Japan's leaders doing relatively little except asking shops and restaurants to limit people coming in at one time and closing before 8pm. I know my schools weren't the only one shut either - but still High Schools were having their sports days this week. I kept on seeing groups of kids hanging in the park after, so that was a little bit nerve wracking.

It's just frustrating - we’ve been on half days to “minimize the risk of infection” for kids and teachers, as if only being at school from 8am through to 1pm is going to reduce the risk.  My schools have only just started testing out Microsoft teams and Zoom lesson equipment. Thankfully our school’s run in this time was contained real quick, the family was super good about informing us when they got their results back, and the fact they needed to be tested. The homeroom teacher and the students from the same class were the only ones tested, and they all came back clear, which was nice. But the information came back so SLOW. 

I’m a little irritated because I found out on Wednesday night what was going on, and even if I am vaccinated, I am super worried that I will end up being the covid monkey due to being at different schools three days out of five. I think other than being worried that I will catch it myself and get real sick, my biggest fear is that I will be protected from bad symptoms from the vaccine, but still be able to pass it onto some of my more vulnerable friends and students. The whole thing is a mess.  

Other than Covid and BoE drama, life is good. I’ve had a couple of other big changes - both fantastic and not so great, but yeah.  I have my health (and health insurance!) for now. I have a job, for now. I have a sense of existential dread for the next 12 months, but we’ll see where we end up. Life post JET is going to be way less cushy and I am TERRIFIED. I mean, I have a BA in Eng/Ling and no idea what to do with it…..because I am NOT suited for academia.

TLDR: Love my job. Don’t like the system. What is life? Future scary. 

[seasonofthewicth]

A Groovy Kind of Love - Chapter 3

masterlist

AN: This took me so long because I wasn’t sure whether to split this chapter in half, I ended up doing it so I think it flows a bit better and hasn’t become a monster of a chapter. Things are starting to get a little juicy!!

----- 

The next two weeks flew by in a blur as Aelin settled in to her new normal. She had spent days debating how to arrange the furniture in her bedroom, enlisting Fenrys and Aedion multiple times to move her bed from one side of the room to the other and back again until she was satisfied with its placement.

She had managed to put her personality into the boring room, its brick walls spiced up by colourful wall hangings and the wooden beams of the ceiling offset by drapes of dangling plants across her shelves. She felt at home in the loft.

Her moving into the communal areas had been more of a struggle. Rowan and Lorcan protested her attempts to cover the sofa with her hand-made quilts but they had relented once Fenrys and Aedion had expressed their support.

“We don’t want it to be too much of a guys’ apartment,” Aedion had admitted.

When Lorcan had protested that it was a guys’ apartment with a not-so-subtle smirk at her she had lobbed one of her throws at his head. He had caught it and his smirk spread to a full blown grin, but he tucked it onto the arm of the couch, nonetheless. She supposed it was actually a progression of their relationship that she knew he was teasing. The past two weeks had shown her that most of his snarky comments were joking, whether or not their delivery seemed as such.

 She had learned many new things about all of the guys in the loft since moving in. She had thought she had known all there was to know about her cousin, and they had always got along, but she was delighted to find that they had quickly become as close as brother and sister. His eager personality paired him well with Aelin’s outgoing nature.

The only issue was the frequency that she had ended up sharing her breakfast with one of his visitors, always dressed in one of his shirts or their own dress from the night before. She didn’t judge the girls, she just didn’t need to think about her cousin in that way, although it had surprised her that he hadn’t made any comments to Aelin about Lysandra since their flirtations the day she moved in. In fact, she had expected him to ask for her friends number the next day; but the request never came.

She had watched the two of them on the first night she and Lysandra had visited the bar Rowan worked at. It had quickly become the spot she spent most of her evenings at, the rest of the loft joining too, on the nights Rowan was working.

The bar reminded her of Rowan; dark walls with old-fashioned lamps placed around the room to brighten up the space. The wooden panels around the bar were rustic and worn-looking without being shabby, and it had an easy mix of regular patrons and drop-in drinkers that felt homely and comfortable. Rowan’s attire of plaid shirts fit in as well and while they rotated in their colour they were a guaranteed feature, along with the rag he slung over his shoulder that made him look like such a typical bartender she hid her snigger in her drink.

It was during those nights at the bar that she had gotten to know Rowan the most. The bar was never particularly busy so he could spend most of his shifts talking to her, fixing her sweet cocktails without her even having to ask.

“What else would Aelin Galathynius drink?” He had teased her the first time she and Lysandra had paid the bar a visit. He had even tucked a pink umbrella into each of their glasses.

They had made easy small talk while he worked and she found it fascinating to watch him work, the way his hands would flow across the bar, steady and strong while he poured. He had an easy way of interacting with customers, polite but charming that helped to earn him the tips she spotted him receiving.

She herself had contributed to a large number of those tips, seeing as he hadn’t let her or Lysandra pay for a single drink any of the times they had visited. Aedion, Fenrys and Lorcan didn’t pay either, but none of them seemed inclined to tip, probably a result of having the routine down for years.

She sighed, longing to spend a chilled night in the bar now, but the summer was over and her first day back teaching high school history was upon her. She adjusted her blouse where it hung from her shoulders and slipped on her pumps.

She headed to the kitchen to fix her coffee and was met with Fenrys and Aedion in the kitchen.

“Morning,” Fenrys greeted her around his mouthful of cereal.

“Good morning,” She greeted in return. “You excited for today?”

“You know it,” He pointed his spoon at her, “Being the most liked teacher in the school really is fun.”

“Right,” She laughed as Aedion rolled his eyes.

“Fortunately, I have to get to my job where I’m also the most liked employee.” Aedion drawled sarcastically. He was the only male employee at a marketing company and he probably would have enjoyed it if any of the women there would have given him a second thought. Instead, to his dismay, he had ended up the little brother of the office.

“I’ll head down with you,” She said collecting her things and waving a goodbye to Fenrys as they headed out.

Once at her car she bid Aedion goodbye and started her drive to the school. From the new loft her school was now an hour drive, it had only been fifteen minutes from Arobynn’s place, but that was beside the point. She could put up with a longer commute if it meant not having to see that monster of a man ever again.

She arrived at the school and pulled into her allocated parking space, grabbing her things she headed into the morning teachers briefing. She smiled at the few teachers she knew as she took her seat, she didn’t have many friends at the school, most of the teachers had at least twenty years on her which made finding common ground tough, not impossible, but she wasn’t desperate to see them outside of the school.

“Morning everyone, welcome back.” The principal started and read the list of notices for the beginning of the school year. She zoned out, these notices were the same every year and she didn’t have any first year classes this semester, so she knew all of the kids she’d have and nearly all of them were great.

“Now, unfortunately I’ve saved the worst until last.” The principal’s voice cut in, interrupting her planning. “The district has let us know we need to make some budget cuts, and we’ll likely be looking to cut some staff in the larger departments.”

Her stomach sank. Shit. That didn’t bode well. History was one of the biggest departments and had one of the largest budgets for the number of trips the students went on to complement their studies. She also hadn’t been at the school for long either, only a couple of years since she qualified, so she’d likely be one of the ones to be cut.

“We recognise that this isn’t great timing but unfortunately the decision has come from the high-ups.” The principal’s apology mellowed her slightly, but she couldn’t fight the element of panic that was creeping in.

Once the principal had finished she left the meeting and traipsed to her classroom. She couldn’t fight the dread in her stomach, it was surely only a matter of time before the principal sent for her to break the bad news. She couldn’t believe the timing, at the start of the school year, just as she was beginning to feel settled in the loft it was all getting shaken up.

-----

The bar wasn’t busy, it never was on late Tuesday afternoons, but there were still a scattering of customers Rowan needed to serve in between chatting with Fenrys who was perched on a stool at the bar. Aedion and Lorcan would likely come through the doors soon, settling in their own stools until Rowan closed up.

It had become their place to hang out once Rowan had got the job there a couple of years ago. It was comfortable and Rowan’s boss didn’t mind him giving his friends a few drinks on the house, Rowan knew he was a valuable employee, he took it seriously, even if it was just bar work to some. It was also nice to spend some time together out of the loft, and he liked that Aelin had joined a few times since moving in, she slotted well into the dynamic.

He was wiping some spilled beer off the top when Fenrys’ question reached him.

“Have you decided who you’re bringing as your date for the weekend?”

His date? The weekend?

“What’s this weekend?”

Fenrys rolled his eyes, used to Rowan’s lack of organisation.

“Essar’s wedding remember, we RSVP’d months ago.” Fenrys’ tone was teasing.

“Right, that. I remember now.” This was something he must have buried deep inside his mind. He knew what Essar’s wedding would mean. All of their college friends would be reunited, himself, Aedion and Fenrys had all received an invitation which meant Lyria would have had one herself. Ah, the question of his date. “I hadn’t thought about it to be honest.”

The door swung open and Aedion slid through, loosening his tie, followed by Lorcan out of his uniform but still in a Rifthold City Police Department t-shirt. As they took their seats he filled their glasses.

“What’s the topic of conversation for tonight gentlemen.” Aedion’s voice was cheery.

“Essar’s wedding, or more specifically our dates.” Fenrys’ eyes sparkled.

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself, boyo,” Lorcan said to Fenrys, “If there’s an open bar one of you is taking me.”

“Since when!” Fenrys exclaimed.

“Since now,” Lorcan laughed.

“I can,” Rowan offered, but didn’t go any further when he caught Aedion and Fenrys share a look.

“No, my friend,” Fenrys grinned at him, leaning over the bar, “You will take a date. A female date. Someone who will show Lyria you’re over her.”

“Who? I’m not dating anyone and there isn’t long to start dating someone new.” Five days was not enough to find a date he could take as a plus one for a wedding. That was at least a second date activity.

“There’s plenty of time, and if not,” He didn’t like the grin building on Fenrys’ face, “You could always take a fake date.”

“No,” He shook his head, absolutely not. He wasn’t that pathetic. “Absolutely not. What are we? Fifteen?”

“You don’t have to be young to be desperate.” He was going to kill Fenrys.

“You could go alone and show Lyria that if you wanted.” Aedion knew his words would hit Rowan in the right place. “Or you could take a fake date.”

“Who would I even ask?”

Even Lorcan grinned, seemingly caught up on the joke Fenrys and Aedion were teasing him with. Rowan knew his resistance was somehow waning.

“How about Aelin’s friend Lysandra?” Fenrys’ suggestion came far too quickly.

“Stop it,” Rowan scolded him, he couldn’t be serious. He barely knew Lysandra, they had only met twice, and hadn’t ever spoken one on one. But she was an attractive woman, and Lyria would notice. Stop. He wasn’t seriously considering this.

“Maybe I’ll invite Lysandra then. You could always ask Aelin.” Aedion said, enjoying himself far too much.

“Aelin?” He repeated, Aedion had to be joking. He and Aelin were friends now. That would be weird.

Aedion’s response was interrupted by the arrival of Aelin herself, Rowan hissed at them to change the subject as Aelin slammed her bag down and plopped into her seat. Her golden hair was mussed, her ponytail pulling to one side and her cardigan hung off one of her shoulders. It was the most dishevelled he had seen her; she was normally far more put together.

“Pink wine, stat. Please.” Her manners seemed to be tacked on at the end as an afterthought.

“Everything okay?” He asked her, turning to the side to fetch her drink.

She let out a delirious laugh, “I lost my job today.”

The atmosphere at the bar changed immediately, Aedion hopped off his stool to slide onto the one next to her and put his arm around her shoulders.

“Gods, are you okay? What happened?” His voice was full of concern.

“Nothing bad, I wasn’t fired or anything, but it’s budget cuts,” Her voice was thick, clearly more affected than she attempted to seem. He placed her glass in front of her.

“That’s rough, I’m sorry. Drinks on me though.” She offered him a tight smile. The others murmured their own commiserations.

“Thanks.”

“Ace I’m so sorry, is there anything we can do?” Aedion asked gently.

“No,” She leaned into his arm and raised her glass, “Just drink with me, distract me. What were you guys talking about before I arrived?” This brought a smile to Fenrys’ face again as he leaned forward.

“We were discussing our plans for the weekend. The wedding of a friend from college is coming up.” Aelin nodded along as he spoke, taking a large gulp of her wine. “Essar’s family is minted so we all get plus ones, meaning,” He seemed to pause, building his own tension. “Rowan needs a date to show Lyria he’s over her. And seeing as it’s Rowan he might need some help with that.”

He was going to kill Fenrys.

“I’m just going to suck it up. There’s not time to find a date.” He dismissed the idea, this ended now.

“Rowan,” She smiled at him, “Of course you can find a date by the weekend.”

She was being so nice, but all it was doing was adding fuel to the fire for Aedion and Fenrys.

“Thanks, Aelin, but—”

“Ace,” Aedion interrupted him, “Poor Rowan here, is useless at finding himself dates even without time pressure, so I suggested an easy solution to his problem.”

He was going to kill Aedion too.

“He takes you.” Aelin’s eyes snapped to him, her mouth dropping open. “A fake girlfriend, it’s perfect really.” At Aedion’s explanation something changed in her expression that he couldn’t decipher.

He stumbled to put her at ease, “You honestly don’t have to, it’s a stupid idea.” He ran a hand through his hair shakily. This was embarrassing.

“How bad will it be? Seeing Lyria?” She asked, tapping her fingers on the side of her wine glass. Surely she wasn’t seriously considering this.

He looked to the ceiling, hoping to draw some strength from somewhere. “Honestly, it could be pretty bad,” he admitted. There was no point in lying when nearly all of the cards were on the table. “But I would be fine, there’s no pressure.”

She took another sip of her wine, swilling it around her cheeks before carefully swallowing.

“Who doesn’t love a wedding?” She asked, sending him a sly smile. “I’ll show Lyria what she’s missing.”

“You’re sure about this?” He still wasn’t convinced this was a good idea. He ignored the grins he knew were likely already on his friends’ faces.

“Why not?” She shrugged at him. “I’m not buying my own drinks though.”

“Deal,” He returned her smile. He really wasn’t sure this was a good idea. Alcohol and playing Aelin’s boyfriend were definitely a dangerous combination.  

-----

tags:

@jesstargaryenqueen​

@maybekindasortaace​

@slytheringalathynius​

@http-itsrebecca​

@morganofthewildfire​

@in-love-with-caramel-macchiato​

@fictional-horan​

@tottenhamboys20​

@dressedindustandshadows​

as always if I’ve missed anyone please let me know!

[tirednotflirting]

i'm all butterflies (i'm sky-high for you)

just found this lil thing in my wips and i’ve decided (like two months after not thinking about it) that i actually like it.

title from feels like this by maisie peters

read here on ao3

It’s too early to be thinking like this, Ashton keeps telling himself. He can’t be thinking like this so soon. It’s asking for complete and total disaster, for running back up and checking to see if you lit the fuse on the firecracker kind of disaster. It feels terrifying but it’s the kind of feeling he’s found himself craving as of late. 

Some 20 or so feet away he can Luke smiling brightly as he tells a story, his hand not holding a glass of wine waving through the air, those in the little circle around him laughing like he’s telling them the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. Luke tends to do that, he can capture the heart and attention of anyone around him in seconds with his bright smile and wide blue eyes. He makes coming to these kinds of things easier. And not just because Ashton suddenly has someone to smile beside rather than forcing himself back into the role of the class clown. He wants to listen to and look at Luke just as much as everyone else in the room.

He had been hesitant to ask Luke to join him for the several weddings and showers he had been invited to that summer. This thing between them was still new. It was intimidating to ask a new love to attend one wedding let alone five in the span of two months. But when Luke had come back to Ashton’s after a movie for a coffee and a finish to their never ending conversation, he had seen the save the dates on the fridge and practically begged Ashton to take him along as a plus one. Helped search through registries and everything. When Ashton had teasingly asked about his interest in attending so many celebrations of love, Luke had only smiled lazily and spewed a few wine drunk poetic lines about love that had Ashton diving across the couch to press their lips together and fit his fingers in the spaces betweens Luke’s.

The summer of weddings had been fun. They had danced and sang and drank their way through May and June, giggling through cheesy slow dances after too many spritzes and shared blushed looks when reaching for sweaty hands during vows that hit just a little too close to home. This was so so new, Ashton kept reminding himself every time Luke would finish his sentences when speaking to old high school friends or when he would wrap his arms around his middle once returning from the bar with another glass of wine, blue eyes meeting his own hazel before a kiss was pressed to the tip of his nose in thanks. 

In his earlier twenties, weddings had been a bore for Ashton, even when he managed to find someone else going stag to spend time with, he still felt very on his own. Which he always justified to be as okay; it was a celebration of the love between two other people, he didn’t need to be trying to force that emotion into his own life. But then a bubbly blonde quite literally tripped his way over his own legs in a coffee shop and into Ashton’s life and suddenly the idea of navigating any part of life without him, even after just under four months, made no sense at all to Ashton.

They’re at an adoption party now. The summer of weddings was over though Luke had a countdown on his phone to the winter destination wedding Ashton’s friend from his cohort was having in December. It was early September so classes had started up again but no one was really too thick into the courses they were teaching to have an excuse not to attend the celebration for Michael and Calum’s little one that had just arrived into their life. How anyone had the time for babies during graduate school was beyond him, but Ashton was over the moon to see his friends so happy. 

His focus returns to Luke then, his story obviously coming to a close now as Kaylee, one of Ashton’s past colleagues in the lab, sets a hand to his arm and smiles up at him as Luke nods, his focus settled intently on the shorter girl. Luke laughs brightly then and nods and before he knows it, both of their faces turn to where Ashton sits at a baby yellow draped table. Ashton feels a blush creep up to his cheeks as he tries to playfully roll his eyes as he gets up to meet the small group.

“What are you kids getting up to over here, huh?” Ashton jokes as he lets a hand drop to the bottom of Luke’s back, not missing his way he leans just slightly into the touch. 

“I was just telling Kaylee about how much of a zombie you turned into last month the week those grant proposals were due,” Luke smiles as he leans over just the slightest bit to press a kiss to Ashton’s temple. “And she was telling me the story of when you slept in a sleeping bag in the lab when testing those catalysts during your rotations. Said it looked like you were having a bit of a slumber party.”

“Oh come on,” Ashton scoffs with a laugh. “If Henderson had just had the guts to ask that post-doc to split the measurements with me this wouldn’t have been a problem! God, I was barely a person that semester.”

Kaylee shakes her head, excusing herself from the conversation to go grab herself a drink. Luke smiles his goodbye, thanking her for the conversation, before turning to face Ashton, his arms moving to drape over his shoulders. He lets his glass of white wine dangle somewhat precariously between his fingers as he pulls Ashton closer in, the other boy’s arms moving to wrap around his waist. “Feel weird yet that you’re going to be a whole Dr Irwin in a few months?

Ashton hums at the feeling of Luke brushing his fingers through the curls at the back of his neck. “Probably won’t feel real until I’m handed the diploma. Or when a student shows up scared at my office hours and says it for the first time.”

“You’re ridiculous.” “I don’t know,” Ashton smirks up at his boy. “You ready to hear Dr Hemmings yet?”

Luke lifts the hand that holds his glass of wine and waves it around at nothing while smiling at Ashton’s playful tone. “It’s different for musicians. We always call each other by first names. Nothing like this nonsense you guys have over in science. Too stuffy.”

Ashton raises a brow at the comment. “I’m stuffy?”

“Oh hush,” Luke shakes his head with a pout. “You know you’re not like most of them. You’re special to me in every definition of the word. Come on, I want to meet Aleena.”

Ashton lets Luke reach down for his hand, their fingers tangling together as he pulls them in the direction of the table where Michael and Calum sit, a tiny bundle tucked against Calum’s chest while they speak with their mothers. Calum seems to be doing much more of the talking while Michael smiles softly at the baby in his husband’s arms, his finger tucked inside her tiny fist.

“Hi boys,” Calum greets them warmly as they approach while the mothers wander off toward the tables of food set up on the opposite end of the lawn. The signs of parenthood already show on the couple, their eyes just a little bit more tired than a typical graduate student. Calum rubs his hand against the back of the tiny human tucked against him, his upper half gently swaying back and forth some. 

“Congratulations, guys, happy she’s finally here,” Ashton smiles warmly as Michael tucks an arm around him to pull him briefly into his side. The three of them had started their program together what felt like a lifetime ago. Ashton had felt a particular joy getting to watch the couple come together and start their own family. 

“You know I was thinking about it the other day,” Michael muses as he steps around Ashton to greet Luke in a similar fashion. “And all of the paperwork combined probably weighed more than our child does. It’s mad.” 

“To be fair, Mike, babies are small,” Ashton laughs. He turns then to see Calum handing over the tiny bundle to a now sitting Luke, softly instructing how to support Baby Aleena while he adjusts the fleecy blanket around her tiny frame. From where he stands, Ashton can see the baby is fast asleep and his eyes glitter at the way Luke looks down at her.

He feels something akin to a fight or flight response as he carries on the conversation with his two friends, discussing their projects and what the start of the semester has looked like for him. He can’t help the way he tucks himself a bit closer to where Luke sits, letting the blonde lean his head against his hip while a hand moves to fix the collar of his shirt. More than once does Ashton catch a knowing look from Calum.

Eventually Aleena starts whining some, her nap seemingly over and her confusion at the number of people around her evident. Luke gently hands the baby back up to Michael and the couples part ways, the new parents heading in the direction of the backdoor into their house. Luke stands then, his hands dropping to Ashton’s shoulders as he presses a kiss to his forehead. 

“Gonna grab another one of those lemonades, you want anything?”

Ashton shakes his head, one of his own hands lifting to cover Luke’s on his left shoulder, his thumb running over his knuckles. “I’m good for now. Thanks, love,” he stops his thumb for a moment and moves to better hold his hand. “Hey, I’m glad you’re here. Like, with me.”

Luke lifts Ashton’s hand that had been holding his own up to his lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckles as he smiles dazedly. “Happy I’m with you too, Ash.” There’s something just a bit more ambiguous in the way he responds but Ashton isn’t given a chance to question him before Luke turns and heads in the direction of the drink table.

Ashton gets pulled into a different conversation then, getting asked about how his writing is going and the new project he’s started his undergraduate assistants on. He knows it's rude but he can’t help the way that he keeps looking to find where Luke has gotten up to in between his responses to questions. He finds it so curious how his eyes are instantly drawn to the tall, smiling blonde regardless of where he’s made his way to around the room. He considers for a moment if it’s just the more definable physical characteristics of his boyfriend that make the search easier on his eyes but as he catches Luke tossing over a quick wink, Ashton’s heart fluttering some at the action, he knows then that it’s something different.

It’s the ease in the way their love fits into Ashton’s life and the warmth he felt watching Luke hold his friends’ daughter. It’s the gentle touches and the way Ashton can hear Luke’s laugh the second it leaves his lips regardless of where he is in a room full of people without a moment of hesitation. It’s love, he thinks. And though it's still so early, Ashton finds himself thinking that that kind of love is something he could get used to.

*

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Study Sessions

Calum’s always wanted to go back to school and it’s the first midterm that makes him realize just how long it’s been since he’s been in a class. Thankfully, Noa’s nice, albeit a little too organized, and more than happy to help. 

Who asked for a 21 page long fic about Calum, Valentine’s Day, smut, and poetry? Bc I got one hot off the presses. 

There is 18+ content in this fic. Please, no one under the age of 18 interacting or reading. Thank you!

You can support me on ko-fi. I’m saving up for graduate school.

____________________________________

Noa really wants to kick herself. She always left her pencil pouch in the front zipper of her backpack. Everything had a system; everything had a place with Noa. The placement of the full-length mirror in the corner of the dorm room, the cleaning supplies, the rotation of who cleaned what, making sure her books were always in the same spot, and always, always putting the pencil pouch in the front zipper of her backpack was important to Noa. She was sure it drove her roommate up the wall in their dorm room. But Brooklyn, Noa’s roommate, could be just as anal retentive about the trash and boxes from their addictive online shopping, and keeping the room free other people past 11 pm. Their crazies matched. So things worked out well. 

Maybe Noa was panicking a little too much about a pencil pouch. That didn’t really matter though. Her system was out of whack and she would have to backtrack to the science building on the other side of campus before making a loop and going to the library after class. Her printer refused to print properly and while it was annoying having to go to the library at the end of the day to type up and print out her notes to study later, it made catching group dinner with her friends easier on Thursday’s because she didn’t leave the west side of campus to go to her dorm. This did, however, mean that when Noa was going to get a lot more steps in today. Not bad, but not ideal. 

This also means that she’s going to have to use a laptop. She hated using her laptop because it meant she’d have to rewrite her notes so there were no gaps in her notebook. Noa could see that it was a very contrived system--at the end of the day, all she needed were the notes. That’s it. But it mattered to the deep recesses of her mind. It had to flow from handwritten notes to her laptop, no matter how she had to backtrack 

“Here, I have an extra.” 

Noa blinks at the hushed voice. A black pen slides in next to her open notebook. The hand is tan and tattooed. She knows those initials anywhere. Calum. She smiles and looks up to him, even if the shadows cover his face thanks to the bucket hat. It’s a staple she’s noticed over the course of the semester. “Thanks. Promise I won’t steal it,” Noa grins. 

Calum exhales his laughter. “I’d be a little upset but they are really good pens to write with. So I’d understand.”

“I’m a woman of my word, though. So you won’t have to chase me down.” Noa dates the top right corner of her blank page and then pulls out her book. She hates the book. She wasn’t able to get a copy to rent and had to kick out 50 bucks for the anthology for class, one she never really use again either. 

Calum gives a hum in response, his own pen twirling around his fingers. The professor, a man in his late sixties at the youngest, with thinning white hair and thick circular glasses walks in through the doors. There’s still five minutes before class starts and the chatter amongst students quiets just a little but doesn’t stop. Calum looks to her notebook, the way she’s written the poet’s name at the top of the page, her handwriting is tight together with a lot of width for each letter. It’s pretty with a little mess to it.  

He’s noticed that she normally uses purple ink for her notes and part of him feels bad for not having a purple pen for her. “Sorry it’s not a purple pen,” Calum states turning to face her. 

How the hell did Calum notice that? Sure she had a color for every class she took each semester. But surely no one else would’ve noticed that. It had only been three weeks of the semester. No one could’ve known that besides her group of friends and her roommate. “No, no, it’s okay. I forgot my pencil pouch in my last class so you really saved me from having to use my laptop.”

“Don’t like it?”

Noa shakes her head, feeling some of her Senegalese twists falling from the bun she put it up into on her walk across campus. Though this part of campus was walkable the heat of summer was dry and it took no prisoners some days. “I remember everything better if I write it down in my own words instead of just typing everything down the professor says. It’s like I’m not learning anything.”

He gives another nod. Though Calum studied for his high school diploma on some late nights, on tour buses, hell even in the studio, he liked sitting in class. He liked processing things and attempting to get the right words together to understand the core of things. He liked the sense of normalcy. It was nice to be learning not just from a textbook but from everyone else in the room. Sure this is just a poetry class, and sure he hadn’t really known what to expect with a title like “Modern Poetry from 1920” but he was straddled in and was surely going to see until the very end. 

Before Calum can respond, the professor clears their throat. He fishes his book out of his bag too and flips to the poems that he read the night before. “Hope everyone’s having a great day,” the professor starts. Even from the fifth row of the tiny room, Calum notices the shakes in the older man’s hands. The room is full of three to four gray rectangular tables pushed together to create rows. They sit two at each table comfortably. Each row sits about forty students comfortably. 

“A quick reminder, your first midterm is next week. All the poets we’ve discussed including today’s poet is going to be material that I will pull questions from. I’ll be providing the excerpts if a question calls for it. I’m saving about ten minutes at the end of class for us to discuss it more in-depth.” 

With a quick dab to the corners of his mouth, he finds a volunteer to read the first poem up for discussion. Once the first reading is concluded, the professor looks around for another person to read. Noa lifts her gaze and she locks eyes with the professor. A fucking rookie mistake. Something she knew better of in her eighteen years of being in school. But here she is making it. They smile at her and point at her. “Miss Noa, right? Why don’t you read for us?”

With a nervous habit of biting her pens, Noa puts Calum’s pen down and picks at her nails underneath the table. She nods and lets her eyes drift down to the page. “When over the flowery, sharp pasture’s/ edge, unseen, the salt ocean/lifts its form.” Her voice is a little shaky and though William Carlos Williams's poem is short, she becomes more confident by the end. 

Calum watches her reading more than he listens. In the three weeks classes have started, she’s never read. Neither has he. But it’s already a little awkward to walk around campus, being in a classroom isn’t too bad but it’s a confined space. He knows people are looking. He knows that they know who he is. He does what he can do just blend in and even hide. He likes listening to her reading. Her insights in class have always kind of blown Calum away too, now that he thinks about it. 

As discussion opens up, Calum finds himself taking fewer notes than usual and waiting for Noa to speak again. She doesn’t say much about the first poem but the second about the death of a cat she cuts in to make reference to Robert Frost’s poem. “I know there’s a literal connection of fire and ice in each poem but there’s death in both pieces too. Frost and Williams’ are on opposite ends of the same spectrum in a way. Williams is talking about fleas that couldn’t escape death and Frost mentions that nature is powerful that if it doesn’t take you with the sweeping fire then it will swallow you up with water. Williams's titled his piece, ‘Complete Destruction,’ and he details the destruction of a pet, of maybe even memories. While Frost is more metaphorical with some religious undertones too about the destruction of society and earth.”

Calum grins a little, watching the way she shrugs at the end of her thought. As much as if she weren’t so sure of herself. When she glances over to him, he nods at her, writing down a condensed version of her thought. The class goes on and the professor ends early like they stated. There are a few questions about the style of the midterm but not too many about the content. So the professor pulls up a small canvas bag. “Before you leave, feel free to grab a piece of candy. I know it’s Valentine’s Day and you guys may or may not still have classes after this. So I hope it helps your day just a little. I have chocolate and non-chocolate options.”

He upturns the bag gently, shaking the wrapped candies onto the table next to the podium. Laptops are shut, people get up to venture to the candy. Noa slides the black pen across the gray table to Calum. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Without much thinking, in the shuffle of packing up belongings, Noa lets what she intends to be just a thought fall over her lips. “I haven’t had a Valentine’s in so long, candy from a professor feels special,” she jokes. 

Calum laughs a little, pocketing the pens and stands. “What’s your poison?”

Noa looks up at him, the cut of his jaw and the soft smile on his lips, puffing out his cheeks. “I’m a dark chocolate fan. But anything chocolate is fine.”

He nods and shuffles, backpack thrown up over one shoulder. Calum gets to the table and picks up what he estimates to be the two biggest Hershey's kisses on the table. He picks up one for himself too. Noa finally gets her backpack zipped and she slides out from between the tables. Calum drops the kisses into her hands when she pauses at the door to the classroom. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Her heart shouldn’t flutter like it does when Calum smiles at her. She pulls the twists down and slips the silk tie around her wrist. “I’m sure you’ve got someone to get too. But thanks, though.”

Calum pushes open the door to the English building and holds it open for her. “See that’s where you might be a little wrong on your analysis.”

Noa scuffs, attempting to bite back the smile. The kiss doesn’t last long before she’s biting into the candy. She shakes her head. The joke is cheesy but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t like it. “I won’t be won over by academic pickup lines.”

They pause at the end of the pathway that leads up to the building. Students are carrying on around them, to and fro they scuttle across the asphalt and brick. “Do you have another class after this?” Calum asks. 

“No, it’s my last one of the day.”

“Since we’re both lonely on Valentine’s Day, do you mind if we study together? For the midterm? It would really seal our fates.”

Noa nods. Who is she to say no to Calum Hood? She could say no of course and it’s as the breeze kicks up another heavy and slightly stale pocket of hot air that she’s reminded of her misplaced pencil pouch. “Shit, I have to go to the science building. I left my pencil pouch there. I have no clue if there’s another class in there and like I need that.”

“I-I can walk with you. If you’d like. I don’t get to see much of the campus.” Calum keeps his schedule to Monday, Wednesday, Friday. He’s here from about eleven to four most days and then he heads back home. Hanging around campus would only serve to get Calum caught but he knows it might be awkward to offer his place to study. 

“Are you sure? It’s kind of far and I’m not a slow walker.”

Readjusting his hold on his strap, Calum nods. “Lead the way.”

Noa ties her hair back. “Less scenic route to get there. More scenic route on the way back.” When she steps, it’s more like a run. Noa cuts straight across, over the grass and dodging the bushes. Calum wasn’t sure what he was expecting but her power walking like his mother when they go to the grocery store wasn’t it. He keeps up though, regrettably passing by the dogs playing fetch without cooing at them. 

They cut behind buildings. A less-traveled path Calum can tell but it’s well known amongst though that have to use it to get to and from classes. He watches the others power walking past him and he’s glad he was able to keep most of his classes in buildings close together. Though parking was terrible and required him parking sometimes a block away, it was better than this walk, especially on the short time they had between classes. 

His thighs start to burn just a little when they reach the towering brick building. It looks almost like every other building on campus, minus the sign hammered into the ground--it’s the only thing that denotes its uniqueness. Noa takes the front stairs two at a time. “Holy shit, how do you do this every other day and still live?” he huffs once they enter. The lights are bright against the sterile white tiles and marble. Another marker, he notes, the older buildings on campus have dimmer light, less white. This has a more modern feel to it. 

“I don’t. I die about three minutes into the walk.”

He’s laughter leaves him in bursts, as he attempts to get his breathing back. Thankfully she stays on the first floor. Any more stairs and Calum’s sure he would’ve just opted to wait at the doors for her. The room she stops at does have some students piling in but she doesn’t stop for too long. When Noa ducks her head inside, she notices her pencil pouch sitting on a folding chair at the back of the lecture hall. Not where she left it. But she’s glad she doesn’t have to go sifting through some three hundred seats in the classroom. 

She’s quick to grab it. She can feel the eyes of the other students looking at her. Because she doesn’t raise a ruckus, the stares don’t last long and she closes the door quietly behind her. “You all good?” Calum asks. 

She holds the black pouch with roses up and grins. “All good. I just hope I didn’t kill you with that trek.”

He watches her slip into the front pocket. “I mean, I died about two minutes into it. But I’m okay now.”

Noa sucks on her teeth, a tsk falling over her lips. “Gotta keep at it. You’ll be a pro at it in no time. Is the library cool? Doubling seal our fates?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The walk back is less intense. They take the asphalt paths and go the long way around in front of buildings. They stop for a moment to just watch the dogs running on the green. They loop back around to the English building and continue on down past it. “So are you getting a degree or auditing classes?” Noa asks. 

“Auditing. I thought about going back full time but it works better for me to just audit them. The whole getting grading thing still kind of gets to me.” Calum likes to fulfill his curiosity. He just didn’t want the fear of failing to hinder him. And while he had loaded his schedule at nine credits, which was only three classes, it was more than enough. He was tempted to drop one of his classes and though Calum wasn’t super fond of the intro to psychology class, he wanted to tough it out. Prove to himself that he didn’t have to avoid the obstacle but could instead tackle it head-on.

Noa gives a hum. “Gives you time to still work on music?”

“Yeah.” He isn’t shocked that she knows. He is glad though that she doesn’t treat him differently. That she hasn’t made a huge deal of his fame. He wishes he could cloak that, at least here at school. “What about you? What are you studying?”

“I was Community Health Sciences. I switched to Public Affairs last year. So I have another semester tacked.”

The trek to the library feels somehow too short and too long at the same time. Calum’s sure it’s his thighs still angry at the stairs to get inside the science building. He learns she has an older brother and that’s she the first one in her family to go to college. She worries about the extra semester and the finances but her parents have encouraged her to keep going. Noa finds out that Calum has a dog and if he had to pick something to study it would probably be in English. He could see himself in Religious Studies. Calum’s not sure though and he’s glad he doesn’t have to be sure. He can just take whatever for the moment. 

Inside the library, Noa goes to make a beeline for the open computers and then stops. “We can book a study room? I’m not sure if you just want to be, like out in the open?”

Calum looks around. It’s nearing about 5 in the evening. No one is really in the library. Most people have plans. There’s no reason to sit inside the library on Valentine’s Day when one can drink in sorrows or be out celebrating. “Whichever you prefer.”

“Let’s just get a room. I doubt anyone’s going to be hanging out here on a day like this. But I doubt you’ll be back here at all. So why not go for the full experience? The only thing you're missing is final’s week and hunkering down in a study room where you pull an all-nighter and show up to your class in your pj’s and with your pillow in your backpack.”

He doesn’t want to believe that actually happens. But she says it so matter of factly. “You’re kidding right?”

“I am speaking from experience.” She walks one of the open computers and pulls out her laptop. She logs into both of them and then pulls up the scheduling system for the various study rooms located throughout the library. “We can only technically schedule in thirty-minute blocks for up to two hours. But there’s a trick around that.”

Calum logs in as he’s instructed to do on her laptop and they agree on a room. She books it, for every hour and when the blocks show up gray for Calum on his refresh, he goes in and books it for every half hour so that they have the room from 5 to 8. “So the library has pretty strict rules about noise. Generally, the higher the level you are the quieter you have to be. The second floor is as far as I go. You can talk inside the study rooms but nothing super chatty unlike the ground floor,” Noa explains on their ascent. “I have my notes from the other classes printed out. And I was going to type up the notes from today before working on a study guide. How does that sound?”

“Anything sounds good right about now because I literally have no clue how I’m supposed to study for this at all.”

Noa grins, cracking open the door to their room. It’s tucked towards the back of the floor, in a corner. It’s behind the bathrooms and not too far from the stairs so it’s not hard to navigate to and from for bathroom or snacks located in the vending machines on the first floor. “Trust me that’s my entire college experience. You kind of figure out what works best for you as you go along.”

The room isn’t big by any means. The white table sits in the middle of it with two trash cans near the door and a whiteboard that holds the left behind lettering of study sessions past is the complete setup, not including the four chairs pushed into the conference length table. Noa drops her bag into a chair and finds her pencil pouch, she pulls out a couple dry erase markers and an eraser in a plastic bag. 

“Do you want to write down the different poets we’ve studied on the board? Start there at the very least.” 

Calum, putting his bag down in the free chair, nods. It’s when he glances down at his phone just to check the time that he worries for a moment that he should get home to Duke but after shooting a quick text to his roommate he confirms that someone is there to take him out and feed him. Noa opens up her laptop, notebook and pulls the textbook out too from the depths of her backpack. 

Calum’s handwriting is mostly uppercase and narrow. But it’s mostly neat. The markers thankfully don’t squeak on the board. He draws columns for each poet, thinking that will at least help contain the guaranteed mess of ideas during this window. He even goes a step further and creates squares for each poem, scribbling down the titles into corners 

The room’s not even that hot, while Calum browsing through his notes. Noa’s been typing for a while since he finished setting up the drawing board. But suddenly from the walk around his jacket is too warm. He knew he shouldn’t have worn it but out of some sort of habit, out of routine, Calum snagged the extra layer and now he was regretting it. It’s like his body finally caught up and he slips out of it. 

“I thought we were studying, not getting a show,” Noa teases. The thought slips through her lips with a grin. She’ll admit that she does find Calum attractive. Most times he didn’t really flaunt his body or even his status in class and that made him even more attractive. But she didn’t think she’d ever have a shot. She didn’t really think she had one now all things considered but he was the one that asked her for help. But he had started it and she was just going to see if it would continue. 

Calum feels the heat immediately flooding his cheeks. “It’s just warm, is all.” 

“Kidding, sorry.” Her gaze flicks up from her screen. Her fingers are still going, the taps echoing amongst the silence of their room. 

Calum recognizes that gaze, the smirk that tells him she is joking, but she is also not joking if he’s willing to take that step. Calum goes back to his laptop, he’s on nothing right now just staring at a blank google doc. But he makes the initiative to break the tension and ask her what her school email was. “We can just use a Google doc to make things easier.”

As she rattles it off, Calum adds her. Maybe Noa completely misread this. Maybe he really only wanted to help to study. It definitely was a hit to her pride. She almost felt like a deflated balloon as she typed down the last bullet point in her notes. “I’m going to print these out. I’ll be right back.”

Calum nods, watching her leave with her laptop in hand. His brows knit together. She sounded hurt and Calum feels like he could absolutely kick himself. Of course, he found Noa attractive. He would’ve made a move and even though he wasn’t technically getting a grade for this midterm he wanted to at least feel confident going into. God, he was an idiot. Even after all the partying, and all the girls before, Calum still finds a way to fuck something up--even innocent flirty. 

Standing at the printer, Noa exhales. Just a hit to her pride, a hard hit too. But she wouldn’t chicken out. That’s for sure. She’d march back up there and she’d see this study session through. She could do that much. Maybe she could convince the girl to her left to switch seats come Monday. That way at the very least she wouldn’t feel awful going to class. She couldn’t drop the class now--not without a Withdraw showing up on her record. Professors weren’t too keen on adding students this late into the semester. Withdrawing, would thankfully, not hurt her graduation credit hours.

She almost wants to laugh. Just because some guy rejected her does not mean she had to drop a class. All she had to do was keep a level head about all of this. Even though asking to switch seats would be blasphemous, she still enjoyed the class. It was one of the few classes she could take each semester that were just for fun. She would not give that up just because Calum turned her down. As the last of the pages spits out from the printer, she grabs her stack. All she has to do is go over the notes. They don’t even have to stay in the room until 8. 

The stairwell is stuffy as she ascends back to the second floor. She’s always hated them in the summer, the way the air clung to the sweat and humidity of the temperatures outside. Noa wasn’t sure who designed it but it was only ever the library stairs that felt so awful in the summer and even the early fall. She can see Calum with his head in his hands from the glass walls that separate open library from the study room. For half a second, she wonders if something is wrong--like with his dog. If that were the case, he could’ve just left. 

“You alright?” she asks opening the door. 

Calum, not even hearing the door, pops his head up. His heart thunders in his chest. He was wallowing in his own misery a little too deeply. “Yeah-yeah, I’m good.”

With a nod, Noa pulls at the silk tie around her twist and stares up at the quadrants on the whiteboard. “So the best place to start studying is just as the beginning of the coursework. Lame I know. But professors usually start there for a reason.”

There goes his window. Gone all within two minutes to print notes. He nods and flips to the starting poet. “So we have Frost,” Calum starts, the blue dry erase marker semi firmly gripped between his fingers. 

“Start with basics. The year he was born, maybe what his life was like, his most famous works.” 

Calum spins his chair to face the whiteboard, attempting to recall some of the biography from memory. It’s when the lulls hit that Noa steps in. He hears the table creak but he doesn’t turn. He can almost feel her leaning into it. He can see just how the tops of her exposed thighs, not dared to be hidden by her denim shorts, would squeeze and smush against the end of the table. The weather is still warm. It’s still perfect weather for shorts and skirts. 

He turns his attention back to the task at hand though, listening to Noa speak behind him. “I’ve had this professor before. He’s a kind of lenient grader. But he wants to make sure you can back your shit up with context from the poem. You can’t say someone’s trying to talk about rainbows in their poem when they’re clearly allusions to chickens.”

Calum snorts at her point but nods. “Understood. Now this is going to sound dumb--”

Noa’s quick to cut him off. “No such thing as dumb questions.”

Calum turns, seeing her leaning on her hands on the table. One knee is resting on the chair she once sat. Her gaze is stuck on the whiteboard. For a brief second, Calum lets his gaze fall. The jade green of her top nestled against her dark skin and the way her breasts are almost threatening to spill over the flimsy material almost makes Calum forget his question. She was not wearing that before. She wore a white shirt, tied in the front. There was something green underneath it--he knows that. He clears his throat. “I assume you don’t mean illusions like magic tricks and I’m a little confused.”

Noa finally brings her gaze back down, pushing back upright realizing the position she’s in. “Allusions, they’re like indirect references. So you’re talking about a thing without actually stating what it is.” She picks up a different colored marker and writes the word down in the corner of the whiteboard not holding any information. 

Calum watches the way her undershirt rises a little as she stretches up to write but flicks his gaze to the floor. “Think he’ll ask about those on the midterm?”

“He could,” she says and then leans against the table again. Calum stands. She’s too close and he’s at a bad angle to keep his focus on the material at hand. 

Facing the spread of her notes, their laptops, and textbooks, Calum looks out over the sea without really seeing any of the details. He wants to make a move that shows he’s interested without it being too subtle or too brazen. Resting his weight onto his palms, he shakes the thought from his head. It’s probably too late now. “So, like, for example, a question could be what are allusions in whatever poem of his choice?”

“Yeah, but he’ll probably ask something more like compare and contrast.” Calum nods. He definitely feels a bit better about going into this exam than he did before. But he still feels like an idiot with Noa. 

Noa turns her head just a little. Not a lot. Just enough to see the bucket hat still on his head and the way his face is almost entirely hidden. She knows though. She knows the cut of his jaw and the way his lips are a little chapped but mostly plump. As she stares at him, she does feel the urge to apologize. At least just to let him know that she didn’t mean to cross any lines and that she hopes there are no hard feelings. She can feel her heart thumping in her throat as she gently rests a hand on his shoulder. 

“Sorry about earlier,” she whispers. His head never raises and she drops her touch before going back to the whiteboard. “That was a poor taste joke.”

Calum’s breath hitches. It catches right on his inhale and he nearly chokes on it. “You don’t have to apologize.” His voice is soft, so much so that she barely catches it before turning to grab her phone to take a picture of their notes on the board. 

“What?” She’s not believing her own ears. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I thought--I was sure I had crossed a line.”

“No, it didn’t make me uncomfortable.” His gaze is soft when it lands on her. Her brows are pulled together and he has to stop his hand from raising to smooth them over with his thumb. He feels the twitch, the pull to take her hand and he lets himself to that. Just gently brushing his fingers over her hand pressed into the table next to his. 

“But-what?” She could’ve sworn the way he diverted the topic was a sign that she was pressing her luck. 

“Really, I didn’t mind. I don’t mind.”

Noa shakes her head, the twist slipping over her shoulder a little. “I know I’m not a math major but this isn’t adding up.”

Calum really can’t tear his gaze away from her lips. They glisten a little, dark brown and a hint of pink from the saliva on her tongue as she licks them. It’s really lame, he thinks, that he’s this hesitant to make a move on her. But she hasn’t pulled away from him just yet so that must mean something. Maybe he could show her what he meant. “Is-Is it okay if I kiss you?”

Fuck. Oh fuck. Noa nods, she’s sure her eyes are blown wide. She’s not sure however that she’s breathing properly until the whisper of “Yes” falls from her lips. They inch closer together. Like stuttering traffic that stops and starts and soon there’s no more space to be hesitant. Their lips brush, slightly parted too. He can smell the chocolate she had earlier and it’s so sweet in his nose. Before the first kiss truly ends Calum reaches for her waist, turning her into him. He leans into the table, his back facing the door, and she leans into him. 

Her arms loop around his neck, nails trailing at the edge of his t-shirt and his neck. It sends a shiver down his spine when her nails scratch at his skin. Calum encases her waist with his arms, pulling her into him. Her kiss tastes like the Hershey kiss and her skin is so soft beneath his fingers. When he breathes in, his nostrils are lined with the smell of coconut. An intoxicating scent if he’s going to associate it with her at all. 

The sounds of their kisses, lips meeting and pulling apart before meeting again echo slightly around the room. She reaches up, pulling away from his lips just a little. Calum stretches out for her though, capturing her bottom lip between his teeth. She laughs, mostly from her chest before she gives in and recaptures his lips. 

His cologne isn’t too strong. It’s got a hint of musky to it with some more floral overtones and Noa thinks she has to figure out the exact scent because she would love to just bathe in it. She doesn’t stop her previous movements though and pulls the hat up. Calum ducks his face into her shoulder and chest. 

She didn’t expect a buzz cut but it looks good and she runs her hands over the back of his head. “Can’t kiss you if your face is buried in my shoulder.”

“But I can kiss you,” he counters, gently capturing the juncture of her neck and shoulder between his lips. The touch is so feather-light, almost as if her skin were made of glass. But it makes her hot and her heart strums steadily in her chest. It’s almost sad how the softest touch is turning her own. She’s glad for the moment Calum can’t see what effect this is having on her. It’s shameful how wet her underwear is. 

Noa lets her head go as Calum kisses across her throat too, his tongue trails after the places his lips have touched first. Her hair brushes over Calum’s fingers, as they start to travel down to her ass, cupping her over the denim shorts. They hardly do much to stop the imagination from running wild. His fingertips run across her skin, digging into the crevice between the line of her ass and the tops of her thighs. 

A moan escapes her. Noa doesn’t even feel the shame anymore. Not as her hand reaches between their bodies and trails up his chest. She cups his throat and pushes him up. His grin is lazy on his face, eyes heavy with lust. “So I see you really didn’t mind.”

“Not at all.” The vibrations of his voice tickle her palm but she doesn’t drop the hold and Calum doesn’t duck away from it. Would Noa let herself go? She could attempt to bring Calum back to her dorm though she’s not sure if Brooklyn is in the room. If so, that’s definitely an awkward shuffle to text Brooklyn and then walk all the way back to her room. 

She drops her hand from his throat, before running it up under his shirt. He tenses for a moment at her touch but grins. Noa decides not to think too much about where things go and where they wind up at the moment. Instead, she kisses at his neck, running her tongue over his adam’s apple. Calum has to bite his lip just a little to keep the groan from escaping him so loudly. He knows she knows just what she’s doing as her nail scratch at his lower abdomen right along the band of his boxer briefs.

“I have another question,” Calum asks, a soft sigh escaping his lips when she kisses up to his ear. 

“Which is?”

“I can only assume we’re not studying poetry anymore. But I just want to make sure it’s okay if I study your anatomy?”

Noa snorts, her laughter shaking her shoulders as she presses her face into Calum’s chest. “I told you I wouldn’t be won over by academic pick up lines but I’ll be damned if you don’t keep trying.”

“They seemed to work,” Calum takes the sides of her face into his hands. There’s still a grin on her face when she lets him pull her upwards a little. “Is that a yes though in all seriousness?”

“That’s a yes,” she sighs, enjoying the slight roughness at the tips of his fingers as he brushes them over her cheeks. 

“How likely are we to get caught in here?”

“If we don’t make too much noise, pretty low. I mean, who else is coming to the library on Valentine’s Day?”

Calum presses her in close before pushing up with his hips and spinning them around. He clears away a spot before hoisting her to the table. “I must admit, I like the sounds of those odds.”

Calum stands between her legs. She spies a set of chains around his neck and pulls them out, gently holding the gold and silver chains in her palms. She’s not sure what they mean, the symbols on the black enamel or the gold plate but they look good hanging around his chest. “Sentimental?”

Calum runs his fingers over the strip of skin just under the edge of her green tank top and the top of her shorts. “Yeah.”

The subject is dropped rather quickly and she kisses the underside of his jaw. Her fingers find the hem of Calum’s t-shirt. He pulls the black tee up without much thought and she lets her hands wander of the expanse of his chest. She lingers at his tattoos. She doesn’t question those either. Just admires them and the way the black ink stands out on his golden skin. There’s a moment, in the back of her mind, that she’s acutely aware of how much darker she is compared to him. It's a thing she’s always been aware of for sure, it’s a general fact about herself that is generally inescapable. But she’s not sure why it matters now. 

Calum can see her mind wandering and he tips her chin. “You can always say no. It’s okay.” He doesn’t want her to feel pressured. It won’t hurt him at all if she backs out of this. He’d rather her protect herself than worry about him. 

“It’s just--a thing, a small thing. Nothing to do about this.”

“You sure?” 

Noa nods, flicking her twists over her shoulder. Calum raises an eyebrow at her, a silent question. “I’m very sure,” she says, tugging at the band of his pants. 

There’s a soft chuckle he gives and nods, satisfied with her answer. “I was going to break out another taboo pickup line.”

Noa gets a grip around his neck and brings him down. Her kiss is soft and slow before she pulls back just a little. Their lips brush as she speaks. “As much as I hate those, they are effective. So I hate that fact a little more.”

Calum dares to bring his hands down, under the shorts and underwear. What he finds makes him groan into her lips. She’s dripping onto his fingers. “Very effective,” he whispers, teasing her heat with his fingers as he collects just a little taste of her onto his fingers. She watches through slightly hooded eyes as Calum licks his fingers. “God,” he huffs. 

He goes back to get yank the shorts and panties. She pushes herself up to assist and Calum wastes no time slipping down to his knees. Noa reclines back, hands pressing down into the table and the edge of a notebook. Calum takes a generous lick from her. She’s sweet on his tongue and all he wants is to drown in the arousal she drips. 

Noa shudders at the first touch and she’s glad she’s facing the whiteboard and not the window because the look on her face, of pleasure and also desperation is a sight for sore eyes. It’s been a long time since she’s been with anyone. Her breakup sophomore year kind of scorned her. She’s had the offers at parties or even out at bars, but never took them. Right now, the way she’s responding to Calum should be embarrassing but it’s the last thought on her mind. 

All Noa wants and can think about is how Calum’s tongue flicks against her clit, the way his lips wrap around it to give it a gentle suck before planting a kiss. “Shit,” she heaves, trying to keep from being too loud. It’s not lost on her that too much noise will get them caught. But god is her rock shaking at the feeling of Calum’s tongue working at her. It’s going to be the end of her, she thinks, staring up at the ceiling attempting to keep her breathing under control. 

Calum feels her thighs starting to shake and he throws them over his shoulder. She falls deeper into her recline. Every lewd slurp echoes. The first finger into her is all too easy to get inside and he works the second one in while teasing her clit with his tongue. It’s a moment, with a breathy instruction of “Back and up,” before he’s brushing over her g-spot. Her vision spots for a moment and she presses her lips together to swallow down her own moan. 

“Fuck,” she whines when Calum sucks at her clit. The knot in her stomach grows, she can feel the heat radiating from the top of her head to her toes. She’s going to make a mess. She can feel it bubbling in her lower stomach but she can’t find the words to warn him as she works to keep her cries in her chest. 

It’s evident though when she finds the edge and falls over it. Her legs close in around Calum’s head. He works her through the orgasm, gentle licks. Calum kisses over her inner thighs before pulling his fingers from her. She’s spent above him, panting. But she stops him-- a hand tight around his wrist and brings his fingers to her mouth. 

“You wouldn’t?”

Noa says nothing before licking her own arousal from his fingers. Calum shouldn’t be so turned on by her tasting herself but he swears he could nearly come from just the way she hums around his digits. It makes him wonder for a moment what else she can do with that tongue. She grins when she releases his fingers from her mouth with a lewd pop. “I would.” 

Calum stays on his knees, watching carefully as she slips off the table and back into her underwear and shorts. She taps at the chair. “Take a seat.”

He pushes up and into the chair. “You really could’ve just left those off.”

Noa bites her lip at the thought. “Even though I’m young, I’m not dumb. I never re-upped on condoms in my backpack and unless you have some. I think you’ll be pleased with my compromise.”

Calum mimes zipping his lips shut and tossing away the key. He nearly forgot about that and that’s not a risk he wants to take either. No matter much the idea seems tempting he knows that the potential consequences are not worth it. Noa doesn’t waste any time, to tie her hair back or get Calum’s pants and underwear down either. She’s not really sure what she expected but he’s more than he lets on and her mouth drools at the thought. 

She kisses his tip, the tip leaking just a little. Calum sighs, dropping his head back on his neck. He doesn’t really want her to tease him like this. But it does feel good. How gentle she’s being. The way she’s slow to coat him with her saliva. He exhales harshly when he slips into her mouth and when she doesn’t stop but continues on Calum groans. “Fucking hell.” It’s as if she could just swallow him whole and her mouth is so warm too. 

Noa hums a little at the taste and weight of him. She looks at through her lashes and keeps her eyes nice and big, playing innocent at the way Calum huffs above her. He blinks his eyes just enough to see her batting her lashes and he’s so tempted again to pull out of her mouth and just fuck her right here. He’s sure her pussy is just as good as her mouth, if not better. Another moan is crawling up his chest and Calum inhales to keep it from falling over his lips. She pulls back from him, swirling her tongue just around the top. Her fist pumps at him. Calum knows he won’t last. His head is starting to float and he’s reaching out for anything and everything to keep ground. 

He finds Noa instead, the very thing lifting his consciousness from his body. But it’s all he has to attempt to ground him. Calum lets one choked moan fall over his lips. “God,” he heaves like he’s been underwater for too long and is getting the first gulps of air again. His eyes screw up as she takes him back down and bobs her head along his length. The sounds of her slurping up her excess saliva are a little loud but he prays that they don’t echo too much before he cums. 

That’s all he wants. Just release. That bliss of orgasm. His toes are curling and he’s holding a little tighter to Noa he knows. But he can’t help it. His hips raise up from the seat, bucking into her and she has to readjust her angle to keep him down. But Calum’s so fucking close. He can feel it. His thighs are tensing and he’s nearly in tears with how badly he desires to cum. She’s toying with him, speeding up to build up that pressure--that need, but slowing down just enough to keep it far enough away. 

“Oh, please, please,” he begs. There is definitely a prickle of tears. Noa knows she’s playing with fire but she pulls back one last time, watching the way his jaw tense and he hisses, the air sucked in between his teeth. “I wasn’t-I wasn't this mean to you.”

Noa winks at him. Calum knows he’s going to have to do something to wipe that smirk off her face somehow. “Wanted to see how much you could take.” She says nothing else and finally takes him back into her mouth, hand and mouth pumping at him. He goes barreling towards his orgasm. He halfway expects her to pull away again when he finds his hips bucking again but she doesn’t. Calum holds her head tight and pours down the back of her throat. 

Noa brings him over the edge and she’s gentle, slightly suckling to get down every drop. When she finally brings her head away, she does leave a small kiss. The air is thick and Calum exhales, attempting to bring his vision back into focus. He nearly has to make sure that it’s actually his soul that comes back to him. Noa hands him a tissue and then excuses herself for just a moment to the restroom. 

When she returns, the table is clearned for the most part. Her books are neatly stacked and her laptop is sitting on top of the sleeve. The dry erase markers and erasers sit at the top of her pile too. Calum is dressed again, leaning against the table with the bucket hat back on his head. He watches her open the door with a tiny smile. The whiteboard’s been erased too. “Did you get a picture of the--” Calum nods before she finishes the full question. 

She’s not sure if she should move from the spot at the door but Calum’s gaze is intense so she waits. “I’m not going to bite unless you ask for it,” he grins. “How far away do you stay from here?”

“I live on campus actually. It’s like a fifteen minute walk to the other side.”

“I’m parked not too far from the English building. How about a ride and a round two?”

“For studying poetry or anatomy?” There’s no hiding her grin as she asks the question. 

Calum’s impressed at the wit. “I would say, after what I’ve seen and tasted today, I would call it poetry.”

She has to cast her gaze down. Because if not, she’s going to explode at delivery of the compliment. “Just don’t make any joke about tasting desire twice or I might nickname you Frost and I don’t think you’d appreciate that.”

Calum laughs and reaches out a hand. She takes it, stepping into him. She gazes up, the shadow of the bucket hat making the moment seem more private. “I think that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“Of course you are.”

The ride over is nerve wrecking. But the gentle pressure of Calum’s hand on her thigh keeps her just enough on the string that it doesn’t matter. Brooklyn agrees to give her the room until 10. It’s a little after six currently. Plenty of time but still. It’s not fun being sexiled. Noa makes a mental note to grab a few snacks on her next grocery run as a thank you to Brooklyn. The AC blasting in Calum’s car is Noa’s saving grace. The slight chill is welcomed to the warmth still radiating from her body.

She directs him to turn right at the next intersection. “It’s pretty out here,” Calum notes. The buildings follow the same brick patterns as most other buildings on the campus. But there are some trees that stand tall and it feels a little cozy. Noa hums and she directs him down to a parking lot. It’s not that far down from her actual dorm. The walk feels longer though for Noa, feeling Calum right behind her.  Calum follows with quick glances the way her ass shakes a little with her gait. The shorts are definitely higher than they were before and he’s sure that was done purposefully. 

Noa fishes out her keys and swipes into the building before directing Calum up the flight of stairs on the side. Their shoes echo as they ascend. Her room is the first one once they step outside from the stairwell. “I apologize now if it’s a mess,” Noa says with her key in the door. She’s praying that Brooklyn’s side isn’t a disaster.

 Thankfully at the first crack, the room is cool and clean. She carries past one bed to the second pushed against the wall near the window. Calum notes the white and black comforter and the posters decorating her wall. There are string lights and after a moment they twinkle off the white plaster of the walls. 

“Putting on the full works, huh?” Calum drops his hat and bag next to her desk. They shed shoes. Her bed is raised so she pulls out a step stool. 

“Something like that.” 

Calum cups her jaw. “I’m flattered.” Their kisses are still heated but less desperate. Both of them are aware of what’s happening and what’s going to happen. Calum pulls at the knot of her white shirt and pushes it off her shoulders. Maybe it was a little insane. Maybe it was the fact that Calum was a little tired of being lonely on Valentine’s Day even though he hated the whole institution of the holiday.

Whatever it was that brought him here to peeling Noa out of her shirt and revealing her breasts to him didn’t really matter. Because he was okay with it. He cups one of her breasts, teasing the bud with his fingers and he kisses along her neck. He feels her heart races with his tongue. “Love it don’t you?” 

Noa hums, pulling around his shoulders. “Maybe.” 

He laughs into her skin. She climbs up onto the bed first and Calum sheds his shirt before climbing up behind her. On the corner of her desk near the bed, he spies the box of condoms. Multiple boxes actually. He reaches over her to one of them. He’s going to drag this out just to have her begging like she did with him. “This is quite the collection.”

Noa knows part of this is payback but she reaches up running her hands over his sides to get him to come back to her. Calum resists the temptation to look down and kiss her again. If she does all his resolve will break. He studies another box and she lifts her head from her pillow finding one of his nipples and sucking it into her mouth. Two can play this game. And Noa knows that while she’s aching for me, she might have a better chance of riding this game out than Calum. 

Calum drops his head for a moment, letting the electricity of her touch travel up his body. One hand creeps up to his crotch, putting just enough pressure onto his growing erection. He’s so fucking screwed. Noa kisses across his chest, soft ones that barely make contact with his skin. “I’m going to be giving a pop quiz about the varieties I have. So study up,” she jokes before pulling her hand away. 

His laughter is soft above her. “I won’t be won over by academic pickup lines.”

“You were being stubborn and I had to try something.”

“You teased me. Don’t dish out what you can’t handle.”

“I can handle plenty,” she retorts pushing at his shoulder. 

Calum straddles her lower legs, popping the button on her shorts yet again. “Is that so?” The question is punctuated by him pulling her shorts and panties off. His fingers waste no time to part her and circle her entrance. Her back sinks into the mattress and her hips rise. Calum catches the small hard exhale of all her air leaving her lungs. 

Calum hovers over her, one arm keeping his weight steady while he teases her. His lips brush over her jaw. “What was that?” His question is answered by a moan that falls over Noa’s throat. He kisses down her throat, sucking just a hair too hard at the thin skin. It doesn’t leave a bruise but when Calum pulls way, there’s a red spot for sure on her skin. 

Noa lets herself be consumed by the way his stubble scratches over her skin. Calum kisses down the valley of her breasts. His teeth graze over her nipples. Maybe he’s better at the game than she thought he was. She liked to think she was tough, but Noa knows deep down the softest touch can turn her into putty. She doesn’t find it within herself to care when he flicks her nipple with the tip of her tongue. 

Calum drinks in every sound. She sounds so good beneath him at the mercy of his whims. Though he knows he’s going to give in soon. Soon his own tough act will dissolve and all he’s want is her to be thoroughly fucked. Calum carries down her body, kissing over her stomach before finding her heat again. All it takes is one lick, bottom to the top and Noa shakes, her thighs quiver and Calum knows he has her. 

Her hands find his neck though. She pulls him up before pushing up and Calum falls into the mattress. She works his pants down and kisses over his thighs as she goes. Her teeth are sharp when she takes a bite, nothing too hard, but it’s enough. It’s enough for Calum to know she’s serious. He’s serious too. His arm hooks around her neck once the pants are fully disrobed. “Come here,” he murmurs and she settles on his lower torso. 

Noa could lose herself in Calum’s kisses and never want to find a map out. Calum traces at her skin with the tips of his fingers as if trying to etch the roadmap of her into his memory. Noa reaches behind and strokes Calum’s length, almost too leisurely, like she knows she can just take her time with him. He lets her too. What else does he have to lose? What else does Calum have to do on such a bullshit holiday than just having some fun?

He does enjoy that this isn’t rushed. He’s also glad he’s not tipsy and neither is she. There’s something about alcohol and sex that never quite worked for Calum, though he’ll admit to some days waking with hickeys and blaming the vodka almost immediately. He likes the intimacy that they share, as crazy as it sounds. Like the way Noa looks at him after they break away from a kiss. She doesn’t look crazed or greedy, her eyes cradle him almost. She traces over his tattoos. 

The questions linger on her lips. Like what does ‘Choose Life’ really mean to Calum? Who was Mali? To whom did those initials belong too? But Noa knew those were questions she couldn’t ask. And she kind of liked the mystery of it. She liked knowing Calum but not getting the full picture. She had the frame. She has the beautiful man in front of her but she didn’t have his mind. She saw bits of it in class for sure. When he finally decided to speak. But that was a piece that would always linger behind the curtain. 

It was still a game for sure. Calum giving away what he wanted to give of himself but keeping everything else. Noa knew better than to think she could win that game. She knew better than to assume she could even be a player. It seemed cliche to think that maybe just maybe she could be the one to change that. That had to be loneliness talking though. It always crept in on days like this. At least for the moment, she was having her own fun. 

Her own fun--that’s all she needs to focus on right now. Noa reaches across Calum’s body to her desk and he uses the moment to bring the nipple and even part of her tit into his mouth, to tease her for just a moment longer. She barely keeps her grip on the box of condoms at the shiver running through her body. “Fuck,” she breathes. 

Calum hums at the praise and pinches her right nipple between his fingers. “You know,” he starts, tracing the swell of her breast with his fingers. “You do this thing when you’re thinking, where you bit the inside of your lip and you kind of zone out.”

Why is Calum so fucking observant? Why did he have to go and say that? He was really digging her grave. He might as well go and build the casket for her too. “I’m not backing out of this.”

“I was just saying,” he hums. 

“When you’re thinking you tend to play with whatever is in your hands,” Noa returns and then glances down her nipple, the way his fingers roll it and pinch. A moan builds in her chest--she can feel it. Calum immediately pulls his hand away. “I never said I didn’t like it.”

The grin that takes over his face is shy. Noa kisses his nose before tearing a condom from it’s foiled package. “How about a ride?” she grins. 

Calum has to laugh at the smirk and corny joke. But he agrees. “I hope I’m tall enough for it.”

“More than tall enough,” she laughs, rolling the condom done him. It’s the first sink, the stretch that makes Noa’s eyes nearly roll back into her head. Calum finds her hips, exhaling hard too at the squeeze and warmth of her. 

“Fuck,” they both exhale. Her pace is slow to start but Calum brushes everything inside of her, even parts that she didn’t even know could be brushed. It’s a little painful but the adjustment happens and all Noa’s concerned with is watching Calum fall apart beneath her. His fingers curl into the fat and muscle of her hips and thighs. 

The sounds of skin slapping against skin echo about the room and Noa releases the hiss, the only thing she can do at the feeling of Calum buried so deep inside of her. It’s true bliss when her pace picks up and Calum watches her tits bounce in time. “Fuck, just like that,” he encourages. 

It’s not easy work Noa will admit but it’s rewarding to hear how strained Calum’s voice is. How much he’s tittering closer and closer to the edge. Calum brings his fingers to her clit and her yelp, part surprise, part an exhalation of arousal, he hums. “That what you needed? Just a little attention for a greedy clit?”

Noa sighs, holding herself upon his chest. “But you like it, don’t you? You’re coming to cum for me and my greedy clit, aren’t you?”

He is. Not right now, but soon. It’s creeping up on him and god, will it be sweet. He brings her head down to kiss her, to swallow down every filthy sound she makes and save it for later in his chest. Calum plants his feet into the mattress and meets her bounces with his own thrust. “Oh, shit,” she whines, her voice straining at the added sensation. Time starts to lose its grip. They are just feeling bodies. 

It’s soon her face down into the mattress though, curling the sheets into her fist as Calum drives into her. “God, please,” she groans, feeling the twinge of her orgasm knotting at her lower stomach. 

Calum brings her up, her back into his chest with a hand tucked around her throat. It’s not tight and soon it drops to her nipples again. “Tell me what you need.”

“Just you,” she exhales. “Just you, Calum.”

His fingers dance over her sex. She clenches once, a sign of the impending orgasm that will be crashing over it. Calum kisses along her shoulders and across her back, the twists in the way don’t even matter. Not when he can feel her occasional spasms. He’s not going to last much longer. But he wants to get her there first. With a little more pressure at her clit, Noa grabs Calum's thigh. Another whine falls over her throat and she again lacks the warning. 

She cums with a heavy grunt scratching over her throat. Calum bites down onto her shoulder. His orgasm follows soon after thanks to her spasms. After they clean up, she falls into her sheets and Calum lays for just a minute. Just to catch his breath and he traces over the still red marks of his teeth. “Is it too much if I offer to buy pizza?” Noa asks, curled up into his chest. “Does seal the fate on Valentine’s Day as well when you’re single?”

Calum laughs. “It’s definitely sealed the fate on many of them for me in the past. But I should probably get home. Be an adult, even if I don’t want to be.”

Noa nods. It’s a little awkward when Calum has to crawl over her to climb down off the bed but all she does is giggle before kissing his cheek. Calum finds his shirt and she tosses him his underwear from the sheets. “I should write a personal note to Calvin Klein for that underwear. Your ass is ten out ten in those.

Calum shakes his head, his laughter loud. “And out of them?”

“Seven out of ten.”

“I should be offended.”

Noa shrugs, holding the sheets to her chest. “Alas, you don’t seem to be though.”

With the bucket hat situated back over his head, Calum shrugs. “Guess I’m not if it’s coming from you. I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”

She nods. “Sure.” Calum’s hand doesn’t quite reach the door before she calls out her next question. “You remember how to get out of here right?”

“Something tells me it’s like the same way I came in? But I’m not too sure.”

“Smartass,” she grumbles. 

Calum chews on his lip for a moment to hide the smile. He was worried him leaving would be awkward. But he finds himself not wanting to go really. He thinks he could split a pizza with her. What would be the worst that would happen? But he doesn’t want to push any more boundaries or piss off her roommate.“Bye, Noa.”

“Bye, Calum.”

***********

Now Noa is definitely worried after not seeing Calum on Monday that he freaked out about their hookup. She didn’t have his number and emailing him was out of the question. Emailing wasn’t the format to have the ‘what-happened-and-why-are-you-avoiding-me’ conversation. Everything seemed fine when Calum left. He even sent a thank you email when she sent him the notes she typed up from their study session. He had included the blowing a kiss emoji. That had to mean something. It had to. Even Brooklyn said it meant something. Sure Brooklyn was no expert. But who sends that kind of emoji unless they mean something behind it?

Though when Monday rolled around, Calum wasn’t to be seen. Today was Wednesday, the day of their midterm. Noa books it from her class in the science building but because of some rain, there is a mud spot and she slips. She doesn’t fall, thankfully catching herself on the edge of the brick wall but she knows the feeling of her pants splitting literally anywhere. 

Her shirt is most definitely not long enough to cover it and she can’t be late for the exam. So she carries on, wishing she had grabbed an extra layer to help save her from the embarrassment. First Calum ghosts her and now her pants rip. Today’s really not her day. Not that she needed it to be her day, but she would’ve liked it. 

Taking a quick moment to assess the damage, Noa feels behind. The hole is mostly towards her inner thighs but it does gape a little to the back and she’s mortified that half her ass is hanging out. She hopes this is the icing on her cake. She’d really rather not have too much else to her shit cake. This was more than enough shit for any one particular day. 

Just a few minutes before class starts, she opens the door to the classroom. The professor stands at the podium, exam in hand. Her eyes scan the room briefly and there’s Calum. His head down and she’s sure that he had to have heard the door opening but he doesn’t look up. There’s nowhere else to sit either, except for her spot right next to him. And she’s not going to cause a scene on midterm day either. 

She’s careful as she sits, to avoid further splitting, and slips off her backpack. She keeps her back turned and fishes out a pen, black ink this time. Just as she faces forward, a Hershey’s kiss and peppermint are placed in front of her. Calum grins, pulling the wireless headphones from his ears. “My mum used to give me peppermints before a test. She said it was supposed to help. I don’t know the exact science.”

Maybe Calum didn’t hate her? It definitely is a shock for him to be talking so casually. She’s happy though. She’d rather not have to shun Calum. She liked his stupid ass jokes and maybe, just maybe, she was letting herself get a little too close. That was a disaster she’d deal with later though. “Were you sick on Monday or something?” Something was going around and if Calum had caught it, she did worry that she would too, 

He shakes his head. “A gig ran late Sunday. I just emailed my professors that I wouldn’t be able to come in on Monday. I realized I needed the notes from Monday but I didn’t want it to seem like I was just using you. So I’m sorry about you not hearing from me after I said I would.”

Noa reaches into her backpack and pulls out a small bag of peppermints. There was just a misunderstanding. She can handle that. “My mom used to say the same thing.” She situates the bag between them. “In case you need another one during the exam. Also, I can give you my number.”  She finds a scrap piece of paper and writes it down. Calum saves it fast and sends her a text too so she has his number. 

As the professor starts to hand out the exam, only a list of four questions of which they’ll pick two to respond too, Calum feels the slight jitters coming back. Noa notices and slides her piece of chocolate over to him. They lock gazes for a brief moment and smile, both reminded of the last time chocolate was involved. 

The questions aren’t too hard. The practice ones Noa came up with fall right in line with what she said the professor would ask. She finishes first between the two of them and leaves the bag of peppermints. Calum notices her awkward shuffle and the hole in her jeans. He can’t use his phone to tell her to wait up but he’s almost done himself. So he scribbles down the last few sentences for his question and quickly gathers his things. 

From the pocket of his backpack, he feels his phone vibrate. He hands over his exam and slips out of the front door. Noa’s not in sight so he digs out his phone, stepping out into the bright sunlight. She’s not even halfway down the path, stopped by someone else as they chat for a moment. He thinks it’s her roommate, she looks familiar and the two laugh before going their separate ways. 

“Noa,” Calum calls out to her and she turns. These stairs aren’t as steep and he’s quick to get down them. Calum reaches into his backpack, revealing a sweatshirt and hands over her bag peppermints. “You can use this until you get back to get new pants.”

“I have a meeting with my advisor and then a club meeting. I was just going to tell them I’ll be a few minutes late to our meeting.”

“No, no, keep it. It’s okay. I don’t want you to be late.”

“I won’t be able to get it back to you until Friday.”

“I could come to pick it up too before then?”

Noa knows that look, the glint in his eyes as she ties the sweatshirt around her waist. “My last class tomorrow ends at 2.”

“I’ll pick you up from class. Just text me the building. We can study. I heard it’s Valentine’s Day. 

“That’s about a week late.”

“I was always bad at math,” Calum jokes. “You think I should sign up for one next semester?” Noa laughs as she steps backward from Calum. Of course, he would make another joke. They get her every time too. “Is that a yes though?”

“That is a yes. To Thursday and to you needing a math class.”

“Ouch.” He holds a hand to his chest, faking pain.

She twirls before throwing a wave over her shoulder. “Bye, Calum.”

“Bye, Noa.” He wipes out his phone, watching her walk down the bricked over paths. Next time you don’t have to split your pants to get my attention. 

She stops and spins around, fingers flying over the keys. I can and will take this hoodie hostage. 

“That’s my favorite hoodie,” he shouts at her. 

“Not my problem, sweetheart.”

“It absolutely is your problem.”

“My problem is that I’m going to be late.” 

___________

Tagging: @irwinkitten @5-secondsofcolor @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @glitterlukey 

[thalassiosira]

8.31.2020

Weekly spreads for my last 2 weeks of summer vacation + breakfast

the anticipation for classes starting continues to build... Tomorrow I have a departmental town hall then the next day, classes begin. I only have 2 classes on the first day (lectures are only 50 min each), rotating fluid dynamics and physical chemistry. 

I also spoke to my supervisor and he is alright with me taking this semester off research which is relieving. Hopefully when I resume again it’ll be in person. Though he said I did a lot of good work this summer, part of me feels like I didn’t really do anything and should have been more productive. But I’m trying to be kind to myself: working from home is hard, it was my first time doing research, and I still have a folder full of results I produced to show for it. And a couple dense pages of the beginnings of a manuscript that my supervisor says will eventually be submitted for publication. 

Anxiety is a bitch and I have to constantly remind myself to talk it down. There are lots of mental health studyblr resources already but I want to make a post on positive self-talk to combat depressive/anxious thinking particularly about studies/work and what has worked for me. Would you guys be interested in seeing that kind of content?

[thefandomlesbian]

I was wondering if you had any advice for someone who might be considering nursing school?

Okay, I'm kind of in a unique position because... I didn't want to become a nurse. Nursing school landed on my plate when I was out of other economical options, and now I'm a nursing school graduate and should sit the NCLEX this summer. So this is not coming from someone whose special interests are all human health or anything remotely like that.

I guess my biggest advice is to power through. I wanted to quit the most during my first semester. I felt like everyone in my class hated me. The professor would ask us to practice skills in pairs, and three girls would go off to practice together and leave me alone without a partner deliberately, and then the professor would notice and make a huge scene in forcing someone to work with me, which was embarrassing enough in middle school but as an adult was downright humiliating.

(I guess it's also important to mention here that as a butch masc lesbian living in an area where I can't even safely use a public restroom... Yeah, women don't feel safe around me, and particularly early in the process, my classmates wanted nothing to do with me.)

In my second semester, this reached its peak when we had a clinical rotation with a lecturer off site. I'm prone to getting lost so I left early and got there first. I sat in the very front table with eight other chairs. Out of forty other students, not one sat beside me, and then the lecturer decide to walk BEHIND my table and taught to the rest of the students while talking to my back. I was so devastated, I went home and bawled. I almost didn't go back. I had no emotional support at all at that time. But I told myself that if I let a bunch of bigots tell me that I couldn't be a nurse because they didn't want to look at a woman like me, I would not only hurt my own future—I would be letting down all of the LGBT patients in the world who will one day have to come into contact with these women as nurses.

It softened up after COVID when it became clear exactly how badly we need nurses. One student marched right up to me and told me I shouldn't feel less worthy than anyone else in the room. My professor who I previously thought hated me spent oodles of time helping me individually (I was also the only student by that point who didn't work in healthcare and needed more clinical skills to make up for it). My adviser was thrilled to get to spend time with me. I did my final research report on the importance of diversity in healthcare while wearing a full tie.

If you're an LGBT person in an area where that isn't accepted, be prepared for all of your classmates to be uncomfortable heterosexual white girls born with the silver spoon in their mouths. That was my biggest obstacle.

As far as studying goes, I have a very good memory, a sharp reading comprehension, and an excellent reading speed. Learning has never been difficult for me. I made it through three semesters not studying at all. (That's generally not the nursing school norm.) My last semester was brutal and I was completely unprepared and had to learn how to study overnight, and I still got out with an 83% (anything under an 80 is failing; other semesters I finished 88-92%). Building good study habits early, even when you don't need them, will help you down the road to succeed. For me this was especially difficult because I have literally never needed to study before in my whole life, so I had to try a couple different things and bomb more tests realizing they weren't working before I found my niche.

If you don't work in healthcare, be prepared to be embarrassed. If you do work in healthcare, be prepared to be wrong and still be embarrassed. You perform skills with people watching you. The first time I put in a catheter, my hands sweated so much my sterile gloves busted into two pieces when I put my hands in them and my professor laughed so hard she cried. Be prepared to deal with bad equipment. After I did get sterile gloves on my hands and prepared to insert the catheter, when I grabbed the mannequin's penis, the part detached so I was standing there holding a plastic dick with the catheter half in it.

Make the most of your clinical hours! This was hard for me because I'm so aware of how I tend to be perceived by the public that I like to stay out of the way. The only reassurance I can offer is that in spite of hearing nurses making rude comments about me, I never had a patient be anything less than kind. I already wish I would have learned and practiced more skills while in school. If you can get a variety of clinical experience, you're much better steered in the direction you need to go after graduation.

Another huge hurdle is cost of equipment. I spent well over $1200 on equipment and textbooks first semester alone. I have a savings account, so while it devastated me and left me penniless, I was privileged enough to be able to do it. I wouldn't know where to start in telling someone with fewer resources how to cope with this.

If you want to chat privately, please feel free to hit my DMs! This may all be misguided hogwash, but it's what would've helped me when I started.