#my kids might be psychos but they don't deserve this :(

[chvoswxtch]

hi my love, my sweetness!! congrats again on 4K you deserve it so much and I love youuu!!

I know the cafe is technically closed but I thought maybe if I flirt a bit with the owner, who’s such an amazing lovely person who writes excellent fics, I thought I might be able to order a drink or two (only if there’s time and of course fine if not<3)

so could I order a macchiato over ice for Frank or Hotch. how would they be/react if they saw you in their clothes? I think both are so territorial and like daddies and if they saw you just in their sweatshirt or jacket or whatnot in a completely innocent situation they’d lose it. Let’s not even get started on at home or bedroom related

love you thank you for sharing your writing with us <333

SWEET BABY D!!!!

oh i've missed you so. thank you so much my sweet. you can order anything you want <3

sjdkshdsjkd do you know how absolutely feral hotch would go if he came home after a shitty week & saw you wearing one of his dress shirts bc i'm going feral just thinking about it so let me paint you a lil picture

as a reminder, over ice means it's spicy ! (minors dni)

headcannon below the cut

aaron hotchner likes you in his clothes

let me set the scene for ya. it's been a long week for our bau daddy, dealing with narcissistic psycho killers & keeping all his kids in line (the rest of the bau), & the frustrations are high when he finally steps off the jet. he doesn't even stay back to handle the mountain of paperwork waiting for him, that's how fed up he is

when he finally makes it home, it's well after midnight, & he's so tired he doesn't even wanna take a nice hot shower like he usually does to unwind. he just wants to fall into bed & let the exhaustion take over

but when he passes by the kitchen, he instantly freezes, bc there you are standing by the counter, having a lil midnight snack (eating ice cream straight out of the tub), wearing nothing but one of his dress shirts. and when I say nothing, I mean hotch can tell you are wearing absolutely nothing underneath

his eyes quickly darken with pure lust & his cock is already half hard when he stalks over towards you with determined steps

the spoon is still in your mouth when you notice him, a smile stretching across your lips around it before you lick off the sweet remnants & slip it out of your mouth

"hey, how was the c-"

you don't even get a chance to finish that sentence bc hotch cuts you off by grabbing the back of your neck to capture your mouth in a heated kiss & he does not hold anything back as he pushes you up against the counter

his kiss is aggressive & needy, & the muffled moan that escapes you tastes delicious on his tongue. his fingers make quick work of unbuttoning the few buttons you'd had done, but he doesn't push it off your shoulders. oh no, he wants you to keep it on

his hands roam over your newly exposed skin, greedily grabbing at your breasts to squeeze them roughly, his thumb & index fingers toying with your sensitive nipples knowing it'll get you all riled up for him, & the sounds you make let him know it's working

he grabs your hand & guides it to his belt, & without hesitation you follow his silent command, your nimble fingers unbuckling it while he sheds his suit jacket & tie

in a flash he swiftly spins you around & bends you over the counter, bunching the bottom of his shirt up around your hips, & he spreads your legs further apart with his foot

he wastes no time pushing forward, burying his cock deep without warning, his hand quickly covering your mouth to contain your sharp moan. his other hand has a bruising grip on your hip as he leans forward & hisses in your ear

"be quiet."

the sensation of your warm, tight walls completely enveloping his cock makes his brain go blank. he can't focus on anything else other than how good you feel. he immediately begins snapping his hips, fucking you hard & fast while grunting in your ear

with every powerful thrust, the stress & tension built up in his body from this week starts to fade, & the pleasure rapidly builds. even though he's chasing a much needed release, he's not selfish, so he slips his hand between your thighs & begins to strum swift circles over your clit with two of his fingers

he lets out a quiet, wrecked groan in your ear when he feels your pussy start to contract around him, the muffled moans against his palm only heightening his arousal. as badly as he wants to hear you fall apart, he doesn't wanna wake up jack

when he feels your body seize up as you come, hotch squeezes his eyes shut & lets out a strangled groan, gripping your waist tightly with both hands as his hips start to stutter

"fuck fuck fuck."

he comes hard, spilling deep within your snug walls, emptying himself completely. the way your cunt continues to contract around his cock milks him of every drop he has to offer, & it makes him let out a shuddering breath

placing both of his palms down on the counter to steady himself, he buries his face into your hair, panting heavily. if he wasn't exhausted before, he sure as hell is now, but he's definitely more calm. a breathless laugh leaves your lips before you speak

"well, hello to you too."

letting out a breathless chuckle of his own, hotch smiles & wraps one of his arms around your waist, pressing a soft kiss to your neck

"sorry, hi."

reaching one of your hands back to caress his face with your hand, you hum softly with a grin

"missed me that much, huh?"

leaning into your gentle touch, hotch's smile turns into a full blown grin

"always. but I have to say, I love your choice in pajamas tonight."

glancing down at yourself, it clicks that seeing you in his shirt is what set hotch off, & a devilish smirk spreads across your lips

"i'll keep that in mind. sir."

in conclusion if you hear screaming from across the world it is me

[shiroandblack]

[TW: abuse, suicide, incest, matricide, pyrophobia, underage sex, Freudian mother-son relationships, mental illness, SA]

PART II OF MY VAMPIRE FICTION PHASE: DIABOLIK LOVERS

I seperated it because this guy *slaps like Apollo slapped Patroclus* deserves their own post. Also, despite the dark romance/felony of it all the soundtrack absolutely slaps especially 'Gin no Bara'.

So basically priest's daughter gets trapped as a blood bank to 6 vampire brothers who are the sons of the vampire king who is fantastically creepy and yet never around except when he's pretending to be the school doctor, but you just know he's fucking shit up. Damn it, Karlheinz.

So these 6 guys, they all have issues. MASSIVE, MAJOR ISSUES. I mean, if you think Madara from Naruto has issues? These guys absolutely win.

Let's start in order of whoever I can remember most.

1. Shū

Ah yes, Shū the eldest brother. I will say that if I had to choose who I'm stuck in an elevator with out of any of these people, I would probably pick Shū. Shū is basically the eldest child and he is the son of Beatrix, Karlheinz's second wife. Did I mention that vampire king daddy had three wives at the same time? No, well it's gonna be pretty relevant later. So Beatrix was the typical high expectation mom, she constantly told Shū that he was the heir and told him to behave appropriately. Think Alicent and Aegon from House of the Dragon, but Beatrix was much more severe with Shū who for all intents and purposes, was just a kid who wanted to play around with other kids, instead of banging servants. Anyways, due to Trauma™ involving his best friend dying in a fire (started by his younger brother, but we'll get to that) he's pretty apathetic towards everything and everyone. But when he does care, he will indeed pull you out of a burning building despite his immense pyrophobia. I don't know how, but out of all of them I'd say Shū is the most well adjusted individual but then again, the bar is in hell. Also, fun fact, this guy once got a part-time job as a cashier which I find absolutely hilarious.

2. Reiji

He shares a mother with Shū, Beatrix. Basically while Beatrix was busy trying to get Shū to do whatever the hell an heir is supposed to do, Reiji was pretty much ignored. However, in the game Beatrix catches Reiji studying and was like "good job" genuinely complimenting him, but then Reiji was like "you're bothering me". So I don't know man. The anime made him more sadistic and psycho in terms of personality which I don't think was really needed cause he's plenty psycho already. He seems to be the most well adjusted, but keyword being seems. So because he was ignored by his mom, he pretty much tried to get Shū's attention but like most older siblings, Shū thought hanging out with his younger brother was uncool and so what does Reiji does? This vampire youngling sets a whole ass human village on fire, coincidentally Edgar is in that village. Reiji thought "great, now that Edgar is out of the way Shū will acknowledge me!" but no. Instead Shū just becomes apathetic and a shell of a person. To those of you who've read/watched Twilight, this feels very Aro and Marcus but unlike Aro who is genuinely worried that Marcus might off himself, Reiji just feels bitter and angry that now his elder brother is ignoring him even more. But that's not the cake, oh no, the cake is that Reiji killed his mother. I mean technically he hired a vampire hunter to do it (said vampire hunter being Yui's adoptive dad. You know, the priest who threw her to the wolves. Literally), but as she was killed because Cordelia (one of Karlheinz's wives) was making her so miserable with life Beatrix died with a smile and she was also proud because Reiji killed her because to vampires, part of being considered an adult is committing homicide. And this pisses off Reiji so much, cause he wanted his mom to beg him to spare her life out of some twisted desire of revenge and when that didn't end up happening. Well, Reiji is motherless and bitter now. The anime really did him dirty, because in the anime they made him super duper serious and just very stiff and constantly degrading Yui for just breathing basically. Whereas in the game, he's a lot more chill than he seems and while he casually insults Yui, he casually insults everyone and I have to say his insults are good. Also in the game, he actually smiles so much more but it's a very condescending and bitter smile it's the smile of someone laughing at the world for how screwed up it is. I will say that he does casually poison Yui several times to test out his poisons, but he always gives her the antidote when she starts exhibiting symptoms.

3. Ayato

Ayato is basically Gojo if Gojo had no human conscience. He acts childish because his mother Cordelia was basically the same way Beatrix was to Shū. Cordelia, however, tried to drown him because pookie couldn't like solve a math equation or some shit. The bar is in hell, but Cordelia is by far the most horrible out of the three mothers. Anyways, he's pretty much a man-child with a propensity for being an ass. He sleeps in an iron maiden (with spikes removed) because despite beds being a thing in their mansion, dude just likes it and he does try to shove Yui into an iron maiden (without the spikes removed) but Yui was not having it. I wouldn't want to be stuck in an elevator with this dude cause he would eat me and make me suffer while he's at it.

4. Laito

Unlucky number four and I have to say out of all the brothers, he is my least favourite. The reason? Well it's simple, he commits SA just by breathing. Also, he's the one to nickname Yui 'Bitch-chan'. Listen, I get that he was sexually abused by his mother and Cordelia did her absolute best to instill sex = love even if that sex is non consensual. But honestly? I don't get the point of his character. What was the point of Rejet making a character like him? Because he is just plain sexually abusive. If it was to show how the abused can become the abuser, there are much more nuanced ways to do it than have Laito SA Yui every five seconds or something. Also, if we're talking about "the abused becomes the abuser" all these characters are already stunning examples please save Yui.

5. Kanato

To anyone into HOTD, think Larys Strong but with a teddy bear and his childlike. Kanato seems the easiest to bear with cause of his childlike attitude. That is until his temper completely flips and the next thing you know, he's threatening to murder you and would actually go through it. Kanato had a very fucked up childhood of his mother making him sing her songs while she's out here banging her brother-in-law because Kanato singing apparently gets her into the mood. Kanato likes to collect dead corpses and stuff them like animals which is why there's an entire hall filled with all the sacrificial brides before Yui. He says he can't wait to add Yui to the collection.

6. Subaru

Now Subaru, Subaru is sadistic as all his brothers are and ill-tempered. This man be punching walls and tables and breaking everything. But he doesn't really raise a hand to Yui at all. I'd say other than his shitty temper and blatant sadism, he is moderately bearable. Why? Well he's got self-worth issues you see. His mother was seduced by her older cousin (his father) and when Krysta realised that Karlheinz didn't love her, she went crazy because he basically convinced her to commit incest which is apparently a no no in the vampire world. Krysta thought of Subaru as an abomination and treated him like crap, but she then would oscillate between thinking him an abomination and her a sinner and feeling guilty for hurting him. Subaru looked after his mother instead of the other way around.

Anyways, this is my long overdue rant of fucked up vampire anime.

[gold-rhine]

If it's not too much trouble, could you expand on Diluc's "already incoherent characterization" you mentioned in one of your recent posts? I'm just curious cause I also feel that there's something off about him writing-wise but I can't put my finger on it.

sigh. so, at the start of the game hoyo wrote diluc as super aggressive and negative towards kaeya specifically and knights in general, and all of their interactions are very hostile. they are having bitch fights every time they are in the same room.

like, fandom likes to pretend that diluc has guilt, bc of like some anonymous message on a public board that sounds like it's diluc feeling bad, which hoyo back-wrote. but they can't gaslight me, i just recently replayed start of the game content on my new account. like first time diluc appears is in kaeya's domain after traveler and kaeya cleared it, and diluc bitches at kaeya for no fucking reason and kaeya is v passive aggressive back at him. they have bitch fight in venti's quest. diluc's entire quest is about him trying to keep kaeya from discovering he's darknight hero and he specifically makes it known that kaeya is unwelcome every time he shows up in the tavern. and he sounds negative when bringing up kaeya for any reason.

and then hoyo started to back-pedal. idk what happened, maybe the direction of the plot shifted. maybe the writer who was writing them in this conflict vein quit. maybe at the start they only had vague idea of like brothers at war with each other, and once they started to flesh it out and add nuance, they've realized that like, burning your baby brothers' eye out might be understandable in the moment of trauma and shock, but then acting like you're on high horse and treating him like garbage for YEARS after is a bit of a psycho behavior.

quick aside bc i know there are ppl who think that, um, kaeya "deserved" it and like. he was what, not older than 10 when he was left at the winery. and he was about 17 when he confessed. he was a traumatized kid who kept a secret bc his bio father told him that the fate of his entire country depends on it. get a grip. but as i said, with the same logic, diluc was also in shock and trauma, and i do not fault him the fight itself. what doesn't track is how diluc acts years LATER, when he had time to think.

so they started to drastically soften diluc AND back-writing retcons. Hidden Strife letters are all about it. They were like oh, brothers were always in contact! Diluc is not a maniac, he was polite to the knights and he told kaeya to take care :) :) :) this creates new set of problems. not only it gives diluc personality split where he was incredibly aggressive to kaeya in person, but apparently normal in the letters. But also, we have letters from Kaeya that make it obvious he knew immediately that diluc is a darknight hero and they both were chill about it. But like! diluc's entire story quest is about him trying to keep kaeya from learning that! like, come on! why then diluc did all these stupid scooby doo shenanigans with slimes and shit???

now i think they are trying to shift responsibility for reconciliation from diluc to kaeya, which is the only issue that affects kaeya's own characterization. bc they are very hard going into "all servants at winery ADORE kaeya and treat him like family and welcome him!!" and fandom like, extends it to diluc now, like diluc is welcoming kaeya too and kaeya is a silly goose who has his hang ups and refuses to visit. as if getting your eye burned off, trying to reach out first and getting "ugh, its you" treatment when you show up at your brother's tavern is just like. a lil awkward situation that kaeya himself should get over without any effort on diluc's side and he should just ~realize~ that he's still part of the family lol. and ppl justify it like "well we don't know how diluc actually feels, he probably feels guilt (anon message) and wants to reconcile". which like. so we don't know, but kaeya is supposed to figure out and reach out AGAIN, when diluc at any time could've just told him that he's welcomed.

and now in kaeya's hangout we learn more about their childhoods which tbh hurts diluc even more. like how are we gonna be pretending that diluc cares about kaeya when he returned to mond and found his baby brother, who was apparently the sweetest gentlest child in the world, his loyal shadow for entire childhood, couldn't lie, was taking punishments for diluc, and see him now becoming a high functioning alcoholic with brazenly unhealthy persona of liar and manipulator, and like NOT get worried and try to reach out. which i don't think it was hoyo's intention, they just wanted to add the tragic sweetie uwu to kaeya's characterization, but they did not think how it reflect on diluc in global context

so now diluc's characterization flip flopped in several directions, and he doesn't really has an arc or plotline going. he's kinda just there now, more of symbol than character, and hoyo just writes whatever they want for him without any regard for any previous lore

[mx-ryder]

Some thoughts on Hazbin Hotel

I literally just watched HH this week, followed by binging Helluva Boss on YouTube right after. And my Dash is full of HH and HB stuff now. And the other day I saw someone posted their thoughts on the show, including one specific take that it falls right back under the typical "Sinners are bad but hey, we can fix them!" sort of trope. (I really don't know if I'll be able to find the post again, if I do, I'll reblog/link it here or something).

And hey, I'm not gonna argue that it doesn't, per se. I just think there's a bit more to it than that.

c.w for general religious trauma talk, SA mentions, drug use/abuse, alcohol use, addiction, gambling, probably other things I'm not thinking of

(Also please don't feel like you have to read this. It's literally just me rambling because I haven't been able to stop thinking about this topic all fucking day, so I wrote it down to get it out of my head. Obviously if you read it and want to comment/continue the discussion, feel free. Just please. Be respectful.)

Now.

All my thoughts on HH are very much colored by my past experiences with religion, US christianity, specifically. More specifically still, the sort of christianity that makes people believe that "home schooling" their kids, isolating and indoctrinating them away from anyone who might make them question it all, is the best course of action. I grew up bouncing from church to church, from home schooling co-op to co-op, all so my bio-mom could find the exact group to echo her own sentiments back at her.

Among the things I grew up believing were great ideas such as:

Sexuality is inherently disgusting, and something you should always be forcing down/avoiding/punishing yourself about. Masturbation, porn, sex before marriage, dressing "immodestly", and any sexuality outside of heterosexual were inherently evil and worthy of punishment. Sometimes that punishment was being assaulted, because really, she should've covered up, right? Girls, sometimes girls as young as 12-13 (if not younger) were villainized for wearing tank-tops and shorts, because they were causing the boys to stumble and immodesty was a moral failing on their part.

Drugs, alcohol, substances in general, are bad and wrong and using them, or heaven forbid becoming addicted, is a moral failing on your part. You are a bad person for consuming a drug, and therefore deserve to fall into addiction, houselessness, starvation, and/or abuse.

Poor people deserve it. Accepting help of any kind is leeching off good, hard-working people. Your worth as a person is directly tied to your ability to be a "productive member of society."

Any mental health issues are your fault, and are either because you don't believe in jesus hard enough, or because you're inherently broken and sinful and therefore unsaveable. There is no room for sympathy or empathy for anyone struggling.

There's a reason these are the same stereotypical archetypes you see in this sort of show. The queer sex-addict. The gambler. The "weirdo" who isn't like other people and enjoys "weird" things, or enjoys things "too much". Even just the party-girl character. Because these aren't just stereotypes. These are actual entire groups of people who are ostracized and vilified just for being who they were born to be, for making choices christians don't like, or for being sick.

And that brings me to Angel Dust. Who, by the way, I wish I could've been given a content warning about, because holy shit Ep 4 and Addict hit me really fucking hard. My friend recommended the show to me without having watched it, so I went in not expecting that sort of storyline to punch me in the gut out of nowhere.

Anyway! Angel Dust! Literally named after a drug. A gay porn star who flirts shamelessly with anyone and everyone, who proudly shows off his best films to his friends, who secretly hates his job, not because of the sex, as we come to find out, but because he's under the thumb of a fucking psycho who treats him like shit and actively physically, sexually, and mentally/emotionally abuses him. He's basically been trafficked, and hates that he doesn't have any say in what happens to him in front of the camera. It's a horrifying position to be in, and one that left me a little shaken up, tbf.

The take I'm mostly writing this based on is that Hazbin Hotel falls into the trite tropes of "rich white girl attempts to fix people who are below her" and specifically mentioned disappointment in how Charlie didn't try to argue that Angel Dust didn't deserve hell based only on his addiction or sexual past, but that she instead claimed that she could "fix him."

And I just . . . think that's a little bit of a black/white take.

For the first part, what would people rather she do? Put all her time, effort, influence, and power into trying her damnedest to help her people, who are being slaughtered by the thousands every year just because Adam is bored? Or sit at home and use all that time, effort, influence, and power to make rubber duckies like her father? She could just ignore everything going on, call it hopeless, give up, and ignore the suffering of her people. Would that be better? Would that satisfy this weird little "she's just a rich white girl with privilege" gripe?

Charlie is a rich girl. A princess. Someone with huge amounts of privilege, power, influence, etc. But you know what? She's also stuck in hell. She was born there, through no fault or choice of her own, and because of who her parents are, she is trapped in literal hell, with no hope of ever, ever ascending to heaven. She does not get a chance at redemption, because she was born to the wrong people. She is a young woman who was born into horrifying circumstances, living in a world that she frequently expresses disgust for (her frequent discomfort with sexuality, her disgust toward the cannibals, her dislike of violence, even necessary self-defense).

And she still loves her people and wants to see the best in them.

She would be completely justified in hating everything about hell, her life, the people around her, her parents, heaven, everything, really. She has every right to hate her entire existence, but she puts all that hatred for the system into her efforts to fucking do something about it. Why is that a bad thing, just because she was born into a position of power and authority??

And now on to Angel Dust.

Charlie never once makes a judgement call about Angel or his habits, his work, or his personality. She expresses discomfort with the sexual nature of his work (tbh wouldn't be surprised if she's a sex-repulsed ace), but she does not think he's a bad person because of his work. Nor does she think that he needs to stop doing his work in order to become a better/good person. When she tries to get him some time off, she's explicitly doing it because she wants him to have time to decompress and participate in activities at the hotel, not because she wants him doing less of his specific kind of work.

She never condemns his partying, either. She has a bar in her hotel! She defends him partying, right to heaven's face, because she knows everyone present has partied, everyone has enjoyed a drink with friends. There is no condemnation of his partying activities, and I don't think she ever makes it seem as though Angel needs fixing.

What I got out of that episode, watching Charlie passionately defending her friend in front of the worst fucking person in the universe, was that people do not need to be fixed, but some love and support can help them make better choices for themselves. Angel still has a good time. He still has his job (contract, y'know, but would probably be in the industry regardless). The only thing different about that particular night of partying is that he's out with people who care about him, and who he cares about.

Even Cherri, though she expresses some joking disappointment that he's spending so much time worrying about Nifty, doesn't actually seem that put out by it. She teases him a little, but leaves him to do his thing. And his thing is making sure his friend, who is less experienced at partying (and who is significantly smaller/more vulnerable than most other people), is safe and okay. His thing is defending his friends from an extremely dangerous person, at massive risk to his own personal safety.

And he didn't do any of this because he'd been "fixed" or because he'd "changed." He did it because, for possibly the first time ever, he has people around him who love and care for him, and who want the best for him. And who he loves and wants the best for in return. He said himself that he stays out of his mind on substances, allows himself to be drugged and assaulted, puts on this persona of care-free-crack-whore-who-only-thinks-about-sex, because he is trying everything in his power to dull the pain he's in. Because he doesn't believe he deserves any better.

And this, this is what Charlie is trying to show Heaven. She is trying to show them that there is nothing morally damning about alcohol consumption, or even drug use, sex work, or anything that makes Angel who he is. She's trying to show them that, with some love, care, and support, with a safe place to call home, with their base physical and emotional needs being met, people don't need to resort to the sort of destructive behavior heaven/Adam is condemning! People can choose to engage in these behaviors safely, consciously, and with people around them who want them to be safe and have a good time.

Then we get on to the idea that this entire episode ends on. Heaven doesn't know how people get there. They don't know what it takes to be "good enough" for heaven. Sera herself admits that Adam was just "the first soul in heaven," all but admitting that he's just there because he defaulted into it. (Though that does make me wonder, what about Abel? He would have died long before Adam, and considering how long Adam lived, and that there were plenty of other people around by the time he would have died, where were all those souls going??).

And Adam is the fucking worst! He is literally the worst, most selfish, violent, vulgar soul in the entire show, but he is allowed in heaven, for reasons no one even understands.

You know what the difference is between Adam and Angel?

Adam can't be fixed.

His behaviors are all destructive, not to himself, but to others. He insults, abuses, hurts, and kills with abandon. He made this weird, shitty deal with Hell and Lucifer because he wanted to murder innocent souls, because he was bored, and the rest of heaven doesn't even know about it. He has free reign to be an absolute piece of shit to everyone around him, damaging people left and right, and he will never face any sort of justice for it, because hey, he's already in heaven!

But Angel? Angel's behavior is all self-destructive. Again. He gets fucked up to dull his immense pain. He allows himself to be drugged and assaulted because he believes he deserves it. Because he's been told, for who knows how many thousands of years, that he's a whore anyway, so why shouldn't he be free to use for anyone who wants to take him? He has been beaten down, physically, emotionally, sexually, until he's a shell of a person who is struggling to find any reason to continue his shitty existence.

And he hurts only himself.

I mean, okay, he does piss off Husk sometimes, crosses boundaries/etc. But he and Husk pretty clearly fix that between themselves. There's no lasting damage there, and idk if anyone else noticed, but he stops that behavior pretty much entirely after that ep.

Angel is hurting. He is hollow, and hopeless, and trapped. And he does not need to be fixed, nor does Charlie ever attempt to do so.

All she does is reach out a hand, and say, "Hey, I see that you're struggling. This place is fucked up, isn't it? Maybe I can help."

Charlie is a flawed person. She takes her privilege for granted. She feels the immense weight of her choices, and the pressure of having taken responsibility for a people who may never want her help. She messes up, because somehow, she's endlessly cheerful and optimistic, despite her upbringing and the world she grew up in.

Charlie is flawed. But she's trying her fucking best. She isn't trying to fix. She's trying to help.

We all need some help, every now and then, don't we?

[sarascamander]

Ranking season 1 side characters

8. I can't even remember this guy true name

Every scene he's in, I fast forward real quick because I literally can't stand him and his creep vibe. Everytime he's near Viktor I was screaming stay the fuck away from him. Manipulative creepy bastard.

7. Agnes

She's sweet and nice. But I think that's literally all. Nothing to complain about her but nothing to compelling either.

6. Cha-Cha

She's crazy and she's a psycho but I enjoy watching her. Sometimes she's too whiny though.

5. Eudora Patch

Patch is nice and really cool. Buttt I don't like how she patronizes Diego. I get where she's coming from and most of the time Diego NEED to hear what she's saying and she has a point. But I don't have to like it lmao (like when she said something about recess over and not running around in stupid costume. Again, she has a legit point but I felt hurt on Diego's behalf.)

I was so surprised when she died though and so sad too. I never thought they'd kill a character just like that 😭 she deserves better, ngl

4. Reginald Hargreeves

My toxic trait when I first watched s1 is that I thought that Reggie might actually love his children. Even with all that aside he's a cool villain and the mysteriousness around him in s1 pulled me into him. I don't necessarily like him but he's really interesting and enjoyable to watch.

3. Hazel

My guy. I LOVE his character's arc and I felt for him so much. He's just so tired and he deserves to be happy.

2. The Handler

First of all I just wanted to say that I LOVE the way the actress acts. I read that the Handler was actually written for a man and when the actress got the role they wanted to change things but she didn't let them. The actress nailed her part!

I love her charisma, her fashion, her control and poise. I love the way she spoke too! She's a great antagonist mainly because she's not irritating to watch but the opposite (s3 Allison can't relate lmao). She's a creep toward Five though, ngl. Ma'am, the boy looked THIRTEEN. But watching her and Five outsmart each other is so fun. I wish she stayed longer in the show.

1. Grace Hargreeves

I only have one word: MOTHER.

I cried for Grace, I felt for her, I wanted to hug her and this is insane bc she's literally a robot! I love the way she treated her kids and the way she loved them and the fact that there's more in her than metal and screw or something. I just love her so much okay! She deserves everything 😭. The Umbrellas are messed up yes, but I think they're also semi-decent people because of Grace. They called her mom knowing damn well she's a robot! They loved her! 😭

[let-it-rip-bear]

It's not that he never learns. It's the opposite, actually. He knows the trap is there and he chooses to step in it.

This post will be exploring the possible relationship that Carmy has with self-harm/self-harming behaviors. If this is a difficult topic, please take care of yourself and skip this post.

Let’s begin with Carmy’s negative self-image. It’s confirmed and stated pretty clearly in “Braciole” during Carmy’s monologue at Al-Anon:

I'm not built like that, man. I, um… I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. I had a- a stutter when I was a kid. I was scared to speak half the time. And, uh, I got shitty grades 'cause I couldn't pay attention in school. I didn't get into college. I didn't have any girlfriends. I don't think I'm funny.

This is basically the opposite of how he describes Mikey:

He was loud. And he was hilarious. And he had this amazing ability. He could just, he could walk into a room, and he could take the temperature of it instantly. You know, he could just, he could dial it.

Where Mikey was loud, Carmy was quiet; Mikey was funny, Carmy thinks he isn’t. Clearly, Carmy doesn’t have a high opinion of himself. The only thing he feels is a redeeming quality is his skill as a chef. This can be seen in his monologue:

[…] for the first time in my life I-I started to find this, uh, this station for myself. And I was fast. I wasn't afraid. And it was clear, and I-I felt… I felt okay, you know. […] I felt like I could speak through the food, like I could communicate through creativity. And that kind of confidence, you know, like I was finally… I wa… I was good at something, that was so new, and that was so exciting.

The wording gives away a lot. Carmy specifically says that he's finally good at something and that it's so new to him. It shows that he felt like he wasn’t good at anything before he developed his skill as a chef. Being a world-class chef is perhaps the only solid part of his self-identity. It’s the one thing that allows him to feel validation. It's the only part of him that he feels is valuable.

People with a highly negative self-image are found to be willing or able to endure pain for longer amounts of time than people with a positive self-image. A study published in 2015 found that the participants that endured pain longer were also the ones who more often "spontaneously described themselves as being 'bad', 'defective' or 'deserving of punishment'". It seems pretty clear that Carmy would fall under that category as well.

I believe that Carmy stayed in the NYC job with the abusive chef because it felt so similar to when he lived at home and was around his mother. I think that Carmy purposefully puts himself in those situations as a form of self-injury, which is his subconscious coping mechanism.

Now, in my headcanon, Mrs. Berzatto is verbally abusive to Carmy. I don’t have a lot to go off of her being specifically abusive, but there are multiple times throughout the show that lead me to that end. The most obvious being in “Sheridan” when he’s talking to Tina and asks if his mother went “full psycho”, to which she responds “She wasn’t calm, but the food was great.” Throughout the show, Carmy also occasionally compares Sugar’s behavior to their mother in a negative context. It’s all pulled together by the moment in “System” when Sugar asks if Carmy has spoken to their mother and he says he hasn’t. It seems like he wants to say something else and that Sugar is waiting for his justification, but the topic drops off quickly. Altogether it gives me the impression that Mrs. Berzatto is a highly emotional person who might experience mood swings or otherwise very volatile states.

I see Carmy as someone with undiagnosed ADHD. The symptoms seen in the show include emotional dysregulation, attention deficit, and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). RSD causes people to be more sensitive to perceived rejection and criticism. Mrs. Berzatto likely criticized Carmy a lot when he was younger or at the very least compared him to Mikey and Sugar a lot, resulting in Carmy’s view of himself as inferior and opposite to Mikey. One factor that is theorized to worsen a child’s stutter, or verbal fluency disorder, is a parent’s negative reaction to the stutter. It’s not considered a cause or major factor, but is considered to have some effect on the child’s fluency. Carmy would then become afraid to speak because he was afraid of making his mother angry. There's also Mikey's decision to not let Carmy work or even enter the restaurant, which I believe affected Carmy far more than Mikey had intended due to RSD.

I believe that Mrs. Berzatto's negative influence on Carmy would contribute to him being “scared to speak half the time” and possibly kickstarted his negative self-image. I think that Carmy didn’t come home directly after Mikey’s death and hasn’t spoken to his mother because he’s afraid to face her.

So, why would he want to recreate that environment? Part of it is because he believes he deserves it. It’s a form of punishment or even discipline. Now, why would Carmy seek out punishment? I think Carmy has engaged in self-harm (known clinically as non-suicidal self-injury or NSSI) for most of his life, though most of it is indirect. Through conditioning, self-injury can become a form of pain relief for people with very low self-esteem. This is known as "pain offset relief conditioning". From the same study I cited before:

People who self-injure may unwittingly be tapping into this mechanism...The first time they hurt themselves, they experience unpleasant pain. But when they keep doing it and experience pain relief, they begin to associate...other forms of self-injury with relief, and they return for more. [...] 'The natural and adaptive response is to say, ‘I'm done with this.' But people who engage in self-injury don't necessarily see pain as something to escape from,' Hooley explains. Instead, experiencing pain validates their sense of being a bad or damaged person.

This, to me, explains why Carmy continuously puts himself in environments that actively harm his mental health. This includes NYC and The Beef. For both places, outside perspectives have described the conditions as something negative (Sugar in regards to NYC and Cicero in regards to The Beef) and both times, Carmy admits that he still "enjoyed" it, in a way. Vomiting from stress and anxiety every day before work was a form of self-injury to him, but Carmy felt that he deserved it, and whenever it happened he would get a rush of relief due to offset relief conditioning.

Another side to this coping mechanism is that Carmy subconsciously wants to put himself in that situation so that he can prove to (the proxy of) his mother that he isn’t worthless, that he can pay attention, that he’s capable of speaking clearly, and that he can and will be successful. At the same time, the dynamic is simply too familiar to him—Carmy learned how to avoid his mother’s wrath and fitting himself into a similar situation brings a form of comfort. He knows how to stay out of trouble, so to speak. To quote his monologue yet again, he "wasn't afraid...and it was clear". He knows how to handle people like NYChef (people like his mother) and it's comforting to have that knowledge instead of being uncertain. It's a form of safety for him.

That's also why Carmy is very good at taking a verbal lashing with little to no complaint. He learned that just letting it happen was the way to get through the bad stuff at home. In the opening scene of “Hands”, he’s being intensely berated by NYChef and takes it in stride. Even when the chef says “you should be dead”, his face doesn’t change and he continues working just as before. Similarly, in “Dogs” when Richie and Uncle Jimmy are screaming at each other, he’s completely zoned out. His eyes are distant and he’s seemingly removing himself from the situation. I think he learned that at home.

This is the headcanon that I'm working with to explain Carmy's awful self-worth issues, strained relationship with his mother, and paradoxical enjoyment of harmful environments such as NYC. It acknowledges Carmy's possible ADHD as well as his childhood stutter.

I hope this was coherent! It was somewhat difficult to untangle the connections that I didn't fully realize I had made and lay it all out in a way that isn't just word vomit. Please feel free to ask to tag relevant triggers.

Here's the 2015 study on NSSI: "A New Look At Self-Injury"

[gaywatch]

I need more music to listen, so unleash your reccomendations

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh dear I never get to talk about music enough so pardon me if I explode all over you

(Links are to songs that are both faves and good places for a newcomer to start.)

Taylor Swift - Yeah yeah she's a household name but no kidding, she has 10 albums spanning several genres and I can guarantee you that she has at least some songs that you will permanently add to your rotation. Google around for a good place to start and dive in (...or just ask me because I will gladly help you out).

Taemin - He's been known as 'the Michael Jackson of kpop' for years now, but what's wild is that he started at Michael and has since grown into a dancer and performer all his own. The only kpop artist I fully stan. His singles never. ever. miss.

Delta Rae - Incredible folk/country/Americana band from the state I live in with male and female vocalists. They are criminally underrated because they were liberal country artists before that was even remotely possible. Seen them live twice, met them twice, they are the most genuine people and outstanding artists.

Amanda Palmer - Originated as The Dresden Dolls, a duo that invented the 'punk cabaret' indie subgenre, and has been a solo artist for like 15 years at this point? Intense piano, intense lyrics, intense everything (the linked song is the anthem for girls with daddy issues). Objectively the most personal lyrics I've ever heard. Voice may take a second to adjust to. Not made for mainstream and doesn't want to be. One of the most important artists to me, personally.

Marianas Trench - Pop/punk perfection (but also simply genre chameleons) with a musical mastermind at its core. One of the best vocalists. Most albums end with an opus arrangement of the songs that came before and it's life changing.

Pink - People don't realize how powerful her vocals are and how incredible her lyricism can be. A pop icon. This bitch raised me, forever grateful.

Halsey - If all you know is Without Me and Closer, you haven't heard Halsey. Every album is outstanding but hopeless fountain kingdom doesn't have a single misplaced sound. It's pretty freakish actually.

Chvrches - Sheer and utter synthpop perfection, every single song. The one I linked is one of my favorite songs of all time, period.

MUNA - Queer girls making queer indie pop. Great lyrics, immaculate vibes. Recently opened for Taylor Swift on the Eras Tour, and well deserved.

The Midnight - 80s/90s synth like you can't even believe. Saxophone for days.

Imogen Heap - A genius and pop legend. Her greatest song was sampled in something god awful and got meme-d to death, I don't wanna talk about it. If a pop artist does breathy vocals, 95% chance they're doing it because of Imogen. She sang me happy birthday. Haven't been alive since.

Rina Sawayama - THIS BITCH. Falls under pop but never met a genre she couldn't master. Stayed in the game into her late twenties (which is geriatric by pop standards), when she finally blew up a bit. A variety of sounds, some of them strange, but all of them brilliant in one way or another (even if you don't personally vibe with it).

Troye Sivan - Twink icon whose first two albums were as gay as they were pop brilliance. I don't care much for his newest work, but you might.

Alice Merton - She's the girl with that Roots song from a few years back. Two albums now, both genius. Unique voice, varied sound but with a distinct Florence oomph to it.

Ava Max - UN. DER. RATE. D. Classic, anthemic pop. Vocals for DAYS. Music so infectious you have it on loop for days. So much more than Sweet but Psycho.

Kesha - I prefer recent Kesha to her classic dance pop madness, personally. She grew into an amazing artist who can blend her weird ass dance flavor with her more mature sounds in a way that doesn't really seem possible.

Bishop Briggs - Nobody has a voice like this. A sort pop/alternative vibe that can be anthemic as easily as it can be dark.

The Chicks - Icons for a reason. Their most recent album, written by the main lyricist after leaving her husband of 20 years for cheating on her left right and sideways, is one of the best break up albums of all time. Period.

The Civil Wars - They only lasted long enough to make two albums, but both are flawless. Nobody will ever harmonize quite like them. Folk/country in the most *beautiful* way possible.

Evanescence - 2000s rock with with a stunning female writer and vocalist whose melodies are simply beyond compare when we're talking about their stuff from 2003-2006. Goth, dramatic, hard hitting, cathartic.

Freya Ridings - Adele but make it a touch more contemporary. Gorgeous deep voice, lots of ballads but her up tempo stuff is just as good.

Billie Eilish - If you haven't heard her first album yet or her early EPs, you need to. Nobody that young should have that much of a grasp of music and her place in it.

Foxes - Underrated pop queen! I have yet to hear a bad song from her, but her latest album is quintessential synthpop mastery.

Jukebox the Ghost - Piano pop/rock. It's actually too much fun to listen to them, tbh.

Kelly Clarkson - Listen, her latest album follows directly after The Chicks' on the string of ultimate divorce albums we've gotten from pop icons lately. I've loved Kelly forever, but in bits and pieces. Her latest album is her strongest project to date, easily.

Labrinth - I do not comprehend what this genius does with music. Electronic, experimental, metaphorical, personal, just something else. Did the music for Euphoria, but his first solo album was an experience and a half.

Lorde - Everybody tells you to listen to Melodrama because you should.

Maisie Peters - Everybody calls everybody else 'the next Taylor Swift,' and they're wrong. It's this girl.

Marina and the Diamonds - SUCH a unique voice, lyrics that are way too smart for mainstream pop.

Patrick Wolfe - A deep-voiced violinist who released a pop album in 2011 that I still listen to because I'm a sucker for pop laced with classical instruments and it's just that good.

Owen Pallett - A higher-toned violinist with more of an indie approach, coming up with concepts and melodies that would go well with an A24 film.

Emilie Autumn - Violin-fueled industrial/pop/metal, often with Victorian leanings. Visceral lyrics on mental illness, depression, bipolar, suicidal ideation, sexual assault, sometimes with a satirical bent or through a historical lens. Voice might take a second to get used to, it's unique and she does unique things with it (including "ugly" sounds on purpose) but once it clicks it clicks hard. Opheliac and Fight Like A Girl are good starting places.

The Veronicas - Underrated (yet oddly influential?) pop icon twins from the early 2000s to now. Killer voices, KILLER pop.

[jupitermelichios]

you know, riverdale really doesn't get enough credit for its queer representation

sure there's a bunch of memeworthy cringy moments (mostly from the first season, when it was functionally a different show, but i can't give "it's not queerbait if it's to save the world" a completely free pass even if it is one of the funniest lines ever said on television), and we absolutely should be side-eying them hard for erasing jughead's asexuality (although we might finally be getting that in the current season)

but for all that, there's so much stuff i love

Toni and Fangs being explicitly a queer couple, despite being opposite gender, because the show didn't just forget that they're both bi when they got together. I geuinely cannot think of another example of that on tv, and it really meant a lot to me to see it

Cheryl having lost her childhood to her mother's emotional abuse and homophobia immediately agreeing to foster Britta when Britta's parents throw her out for being gay. (everything season six did with Britta was insane, but for season 5 at least her and Cheryl and Nana Rose were a little gay family and I loved it sm)

Betty figuring out she's bi while in a relationship with a man and that just being some new self knowledge she has, rather than it being seen as a threat to her and Archie's relationship

Kevin continuing to be refered to as Anthony's dad and having a relationship with him, even though he's not his biological father and he and Fangs split up before Anthony was even born. (They were using a friend as a surrogate, the relationship ended before the birth, later a DNA test is done that shows fangs is the biodad, but when he's not being mindcontrolled by evil wizards he continues to have a relationship with the baby - he chose to have this kid, and that's the thing that counts, not whether he's on the birth certificate)

And yes the Abigail episodes are all very silly, but they're also all about how queer people have always been here and will always be here, and no attempt to erase us will ever succeed. and yes sometimes we're immortal witches driven mad and evil by the loss of our one true love, but afterall, don't my evil immortal wlw witch girlies deserve some representation too?

And yes the hedwig episode is so dumb, it's maybe the dumbest of the musical episodes and I'm including the american psycho one in that, but at the same time, it's an epsiode about how drag is important art and teenagers should if anything be exposed to more drag than they are because queer art is important, yes even the stuff with sex in it, and in the current political climate i can't help loving it for taking that stance, even if the songs are all really bad

the show's representation isn't perfect by any means, and yes the fact that it look them 7 seasons to even think about acknoledging that jughead is ace in the comics really sucks, but it also does a lot of things really right, and i just think those should get the same level of attention as the cringeworthy stuff

also "it's not queerbait if it's to save the world" is still an incredibly funny line

[swallowthedark]

AAAAAAHUPDATE! I was so excited to see it, totally by coincidence, too, although I do follow your tumblr, so not totally. I love Abel. My MC might be romancing August, but Abel is such a great character! mafia types in pink who like fun and gambling and will kill you for insulting their nail polish, but also probably might actually take your kids to see the aquarium and give them a great time are the entertaining types of dangerous psychos. Though I'm fairly certain it's a cultivated image. Either way I was really excited, I love your story and told all my friends "HAH, see! It's not dead!" and feel vindicated. Hope you are doing well, too!

Oh man, i really don't deserve u, this is so sweet🧡 but yh, just like boy bands, still going strong in spite of the times!

[deviantartdramahub]

So, DADramaNow, you're not just attacking Club purely out of ableism? Lol okay, lemme show you in more depth detail why we know that isn't true.

3 notes

Here they're making fun of Club bc he doesn't always understand sarcasm or humor. One of the most well known things about autism is that it makes you struggle to understand tones or social cues. That of course will be an especial problem on the internet, unless you use tone tags. This makes it clear they're making fun of one of his struggles he has due to autism. They're making fun of something pretty much all autistic people struggle with at least a few times in their life. In fact, it might happen to you even if you don't have autism, it's a simple, small, innocent mistake. The fact that they're making fun of Club for this is just malicious.

3 notes

You do know not all autistic people are "high-functioning", right?? It's called a spectrum for a reason. NO autistic person deserves to be made fun of for their ability, no matter how high or low it is. Even if Eduard's just a fictional character, it's messed up that you say this and not take into consideration he's not able to.

 1 note <- Here they say "psycho" is an ableist term...

0 notes <- But here you had no trouble calling Tri a "psychopath"??

Not only is it hypocrisy, but also looking pretty damn ableist.

2 notes

Here's them downplaying ableism just bc there's more than one oppressed group. Seriously?? Trust me, as a bi person AND an autistic person, I want both groups to be accepted. But trying to silence and downplay disabled people won't help with SHIT.

1 note

Maybe you should consider the fact he focuses on autism and incontinence is bc those are the things he has experience with?? He himself has autism and has an incontinent step-brother. Even then, he still attempted to include others bc he does truly want to be inclusive, I remember a post he made where he asked people what other disabilities they wanted to see included. I requested for him to introduce a dyslexic character, bc my sister has dyslexia. And guess what? HE DID. Because he truly does care. He just mainly does autistic and incontinent characters bc that's WHAT HE HAS EXPERIENCE WITH! YOU are the ableists for thinking autistic and incontinent people shouldn't be represented!

2 notes

Don't be so judge-mental on the poor kid just because he has incontinence and mind your own damn business, jfc...

5 notes

Club is NOTHING like that sicko you're talking about, they sound disgusting and I know Club would NEVER do something like that. (Unless those things you said are lies and Nightflight's just another innocent victim of yours, but idk. -_-

But anyways, saying all autistic people are automatically bad bc of that person is completely stupid.

 3 notes

Here they seem to be talking about disabled children like they're burdens.

3 notes

Another example of the 5th link.

 5 notes

They literally use "mister autistic" as an insult against him. They also full on say the r-slur without censoring it whatsoever.

Anyways, I'm sure, in fact 100% sure, there's more in depth proof their hatred of Club is purely ableism, but once again, DADramaNow does a shit job at running their group, and this is what Club's tag links to:

Not Found

So looking for proof was difficult, though I think I've gathered up enough, at least for now.

Anyways, pedophilia is a harmful stereotype pf autistic people, and DADramaNow is projecting this stereotype onto Club, bc they're very fucked up and bigoted people. There's no denying it now,Mod S and co.

Their unfortunate dismissal of disability hits even harder knowing many of them in their group identify as having autism. They don’t come off as it and don’t treat others with it kindly, which makes me lose incentive to acknowledge they may have it. It’s as if everything to them is a matter of identity.

[mangodestroyer]

Dear Abusive Brother

You're 21-years-old now and you still haven't changed. You've been horrid to me for the past 12 years, and mom let you get away with it. Even sometimes encouraged it. I used to think it was because you were young and going through a phase. I thought you would eventually grow out of it because of how sweet you used to be. Look at you now? You're in your 20's and you're still like this.

It's so obvious to me now that you won't change. Your brain is almost done developing. I guess you're just destined to be a POS. It's embedded into your personality to be loud, egotistical, and abusive. I've been studying up on the psychology behind abusive individuals because they are unfortunately ever present in my life (hint hint YOU). Now I think I understand you better. And I can't say I take you as seriously anymore because I've come to realized that you live in a grandiose delusion. Maybe it's not your fault you turned out that way. You grew up in a shitty household too. You were shown callousness from some, and praise from others because you were "gifted." Later, you started getting positive attention because you are "handsome" and "charming." As if your ego wasn't already big enough. And it's obvious you were mom's favorite while I was clearly not.

So you faced hardship and also had your ego stroked constantly. And you were allowed to get away with so many bad behaviors. It's a recipe for disaster, raising a child like that. But it's done now. It's too late. I can only pity you the same way I pity a rabid dog. You're a lost cause and you're very bad for me. I know you don't care because you made it very clear that you don't love me (and tbh, I'm still very confused as to what I did to cause that because you never give me a coherent answer as to why), but I will not talk to you once we are no longer living with each other. I don't give a flying fuck how much it upsets mom. I'm not attending events with you. You aren't going to my wedding if I ever have one. I want nothing to do with you anymore because you've hurt me so badly and I'm a mess. You aren't the only person who's hurt me, but you still left some serious mental scars. I'm serious, you could become the riches person in the world and move to a different country. Leave me behind. Never talk to me again. And I wouldn't feel the tiniest bit resentful that you're living it up (even if you don't deserve it). I would just be happy that you are no longer in my life.

You are awful. You're straight up evil. I don't love you anymore. I only grieve for the brother I thought I could have had. And I know you found it stupid when I said it, but I really do wish I had a brother. But I don't. I hope you never get into a relationship. I'm afraid of what you might do to your SO. I hope you don't have kids either. If any of them turn out neurodivergent, I know you're going to ruin their life. You're going to think they're psycho, kind of like how you call all my socially awkward behaviors psycho, and you'll abuse them for it. You probably won't even love them.

You do sometimes treat people who aren't me pretty well though. This is why I sometimes wondered if it was me who was the problem. Mom made me feel like I was pretty awful too. Even evil at times. I started seriously doubting myself. I've gone through some horrible dissociative episodes because I couldn't handle the pain all of this put me through. I sometimes have panic attacks thinking about how awful everyone must think I am when I make one little mistake. I sometimes want to die. I sometimes want to hurt myself and apologize for existing. You've really made me feel so worthless and unwanted.

But then you sometimes let your charm crack and you start acting vile with others too. Just not to the extent you do with me. You only take it so far with me because you were taught that I am pretty unimportant. I was taught to never have boundaries. And I was taught that no one would be there for me when you start abusing me. So maybe you would abuse a SO who has no boundaries too. And then make everyone hate them so you can justify the abuse. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It's why I never tell you when people say they have a crush on you. Trust me, I know you seem so handsome, nice, intelligent, and charming on the surface, but I don't want them to know the real you.

I don't think I can ever forgive you for playing a part in fucking me up like that. Ever since I entered the adult world, I ended up attracting some predatory people who weren't good for me. I cut them out when I realized they were no good for me because I can't fucking do this again. But now I don't feel like I can trust people anymore. I'm learning to be a healthier individual and have started learning about red flags and whatnot, but I'm so afraid it won't work and I'll continue to attract people who find my happiness upsetting, don't love me for who I am, don't respect my boundaries, and in some ways, many ways, remind me of you. And who remind me of mom too. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be married to someone who is a lot like either of you. Or any abusive individual for that matter.

Fuck you for ruining me! Go to Hell!

[shaboozey]

It’s just like you imagined it.

[aroaceconfessions]

I might be a bit older than the average people posting here, i'm on my late 20s and i've been aware of the fact that i'm ace for a very long time, over the years i also understood i'm aro and might be also standing on the agender side of things which is sort of starting to make sense to me. I just feel like an alien living among humans. I don't understand the concept of loving someone -even platonically- when those are feelings that might not last forever. I don't understand why people connect with each other if nothing really lasts. I go about my day seeing other people make friends and find love and theoretically i like the idea, but only when it is really just cute interactions and nice words, nothing sexual please and thank you very much. As i said, i don't belong with the rest and i don't really mind it, but my family naggs me so much to go out and find the right person for me, at this point they don't even care what gender they are, just to bring someone home, get married, have children. And i don't want any of that, because i know i won't be able to love them, and i guess no one deserves to be in that kind of relationship. And i don't want kids because well, first of all, i don't want to have sex but also, because what if end up not feeling any love for them either? Then what? Why would a kid deserve a parent that doesn't love them? And it's not like i'm any kind of psycho, i can empathize with people and i can care about them but i don't feel it matches how other people talk about loving someone. And at this point i'm scared of saying this to anyone because it is so alienating it might scare away the few people i do have in my life.

[excaliburssword]

Hot take on ships (part 2 ig 😩)

Yeah, so I decided to make a part two 😃

! OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS, PLEASE DON'T BE STUPID LIKE ME AND CONTINUE READING IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED THE S.G.E. SERIES !

Keian

It's a full on ten from me. I might even go above and beyond and break the scale on this one.

Some might disagree, (even though I've seen A LOT of supremacy for these two), but I wouldn't give up the chance to see Soman write a novella about the Arbed boys before everything went down, mainly just to see these guys in action (alongside Japaric ofc).

Their dynamic was so cute together! Obviously minus that one scene in ACOT when Rhian indirectly threatened him, but Kei kinda deserved it for "betraying" him ig.

11/10

2. Hedros (...)

This is obviously just crack, but it's still kinda funny.

I remember someone had asked for my opinion on this, but idk if they were being sarcastic or generally serious 😶

If it was satire, then ig this could be ridiculously hilarious, but could work at the same time.

They literally came around themselves in the last book and became besties, so why not?

I obvi don't ship it, but it is something I would bawl my eyes reading if it worked 😭

2/10

3. Revelyn

Can I just say... that I ship literally no one on the ends of the earth with this bi$h other than her grave?

She was a literal r@pist (in a way) and actually had the audacity to think she deserved to have someone to look after her 💀

Miss girl.... NO.

I think her tombstone makes an excellent partner...so it's okay....

BUT-

She did make one hell of an excellent villain. If Sophie didn't exist to drive Rafal all delusional like he was, these two would've made everyone bow at their feet with no regrets.

Not to mention Japeth and Rhian being there with them 😩

8/10 (ONLY IF EVELYN WASN'T THE SKUNK SHE WAS, BC THEN IT WOULD BE LOWER THAN 0).

4. Tilip (idk is that their ship name?)

If Agatha didn't exist, then they would've been pretty cute together.

But at the same time, they give off the energy of "we're better off as friends."

Idk, it's somewhere in the middle of 5/10 and 6/10 for me.

5. Chaddrix

Eh, they were both the wannabes in their year (sorry Chaddick), so they seriously deserve each other.

Plus, imagine them having kids. God half of them would be whining about their hair and the other half would just be interested in sword play the whole time 😭

5/10

6. Saric

Idk where I saw this...but something inside of me STIRRED that day when I did.

Listen, ik Aric is a complete psycho and he is DEFINITELY where he belongs, but these two would've erupted the whole @ss universe if they were together-

Like do you guys remember those times when Aric was literally FLIRTING WITH HER in the third book? (I'm not romanticising toxicity, because we all know damn well it was all just another play of his).

They would've been great best friends tbh, and idk what the hell is wrong with me, but I rate it a 8/10 📸

7. Jophie

Ik I said that Saric was toxic, but this ship is just straight up abusive.

Japeth LITERALLY assaulted Sophie more than three times in a single book (A crystal of time/ ACOT) and basically excused it by saying "it all was for his one true love."

Like....what?

You literally had her under your full control almost a quarter through OTK??

Now I'm not saying Saric is a magnificent ship that deserves to be seen, because it doesn't, and is basically just crack given the fact Aric is a literal walking red flag, but Japeth is just a whole other story-

0/10

This took me a whole hour (and idk why, cause I'm not even tired), but that brings me to the end of Part 2!

I'm probably not going to do a part 3, (unless I remember another ship I forgot), but again, probably not 😃🕺

[doc-pickles]

this love is worth the fight

Fun Fact: I had such a hard time choosing a song from Lover, mainly because there are so many good songs on the list. (I feel like I’m gonna say that about every single day so don’t mind me) I almost went with Cruel Summer or Paper Rings because they are SUCH Jolex songs, but I kind of wanted to push myself this week. 

I ended up going with Afterglow because I knew it would be perfect for a fluffy fix it fic (my favorite type of Jolex fics hehe) and I really love how it came out. So without further ado, here’s my Afterglow, angst to fluff inspired fix it fic!

(Also, technically this *could* be a part two to my Red/I Almost Do fic. I didn’t write it that way but reading it back it could be interpreted that way since I use some of the same plot lines)

-

I lived like an island, punished you with silence

Went off like sirens, just crying

Why'd I have to break what I love so much?

It's on your face, don't walk away, I need to say…

The world, for what it’s worth, did not stop spinning when Alex Karev disappeared off the face of it. For a moment, it did feel like everything might come to a grinding halt and Jo Karev’s world would never be the same again. But the nagging feeling, the pressure in her chest that kept her up at night, began to ease the longer and longer Alex refused to answer his wife’s calls. 

Jo finds herself working late nights at the hospital, the lonely hallways a better companion than the quiet loft that she shared with Alex. No one questions her motives, if they do they don’t do it to her face, and for that Jo is grateful. The reprieve from the never ending questions about her well being were getting old, she thinks that Link might’ve yelled at everyone they know to leave her alone. Either way, the quiet moments she spends at night with herself help Jo get her mind into a stable space.

She had come to terms with the realities of her new life, that someday someone would call her and tell her Alex was dead or that he had sent divorce papers or he was in a coma, lying somewhere unable to reach her. It didn’t matter what scenario Jo drummed up, the pain of Alex leaving had come and gone sometime in the past month that she had failed to hear from her husband. 

Her feet are walking across the first floor reception on her way to the ER when Jo hears it. She only pauses for a second at first, because she is absolutely certain that she’s hallucinating things. But she hears it again, her heart and feet stopping in tandem as she listens to the voice that she now knows is really there, really speaking to her.

“Jo!”

Jo’s eyes find Alex standing behind her, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans like he does when he’s forced to confront something he doesn’t want to. His beard is thick and scruffy, Jo almost thinks he must not have shaved since the last morning they spent together. Alex’s eyes are tired, his face holds an exhausted expression, and Jo can’t will her feet to move towards the man she had presumed dead. 

“We need to talk,” Alex speaks. Jo hears him, she really does, but she can’t comprehend what he’s saying. “Jo? Are you listening to me?”

Her brain catches up finally, a hand coming to cover her mouth as Jo lets a sob break through the tension of her and Alex’s reunion. Her feet are the next to recover, moving towards Alex at a frenzied pace. Her hands are around his neck, pulling him close to her as she cries. Jo can feel the breath that Alex releases when her hands make contact with him, relief flooding both of them as they touch for the first time in four and half weeks.

“Jo, I’m so sorry,” the words are a whisper, Alex’s breath hitting Jo’s cheek as he continues to hold her just a little tighter than usual. “I… I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.”

“You came back,” her words are quiet, muffled as she buries her face in Alex’s shoulder. “You're here. You came back.”

Despite telling herself for weeks on end that Alex had left her or was dead somewhere, Jo can’t help the tears that are flowing down her face. In all of the scenarios she had gone through, Alex coming home wasn’t one that she had let herself entertain. The hope would surely break her heart if he did end up being dead or gone somewhere. 

“Of course I came back, I love you Jo,” Alex pulled back to look into Jo’s eyes, fingers coming up to brush her hair out of her eyes. “I love you and I swear I’m not leaving again unless you’re by my side. I just… we have a lot to talk about.”

“I don’t care, I thought you were dead,” Jo cried, eyes welling up with tears again as she grasped Alex’s face desperately. “I don’t care Alex because you came home and that’s all I wanted and-”

“I was with Izzie,” the words freeze Jo, her hands stopping where they were on his cheeks. “Like I said… a lot to talk about”

+

Jo finds herself sitting across from Alex an hour later, fingers nervously pulling at the edge of their sofa. She hadn’t said more than three words since Alex had told her where he had been, too scared of what the next words to come out of his mouth would be. Jo had handled a lot of rejection and pain in her life, but this blow might be the one that undid her well and truly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls or texts. I was… busy, distracted and I... ,” Alex sighed, Jo’s eyes finally flitting up to look at him. “When I was calling people for Mer’s trial, Izzie was on my list. And she… she has twins, I could hear them in the background when I talked to her. She told me she used the embryos we had frozen, that the twins were mine. So I went to Kansas, I had to go to Kansas and see them. They’re my kids, Jo.”

The world does seem to stop spinning for a moment, Jo taking in what Alex was telling her. Her stomach dropped, panic welling up inside of her as she realized that Alex had come back to leave her, to build a new life with Izzie and their kids. Jo couldn’t stop the tears that began to silently roll down her face as her heart began to beat out of time.

“Jo? Jo, baby please,” Alex was kneeling in front of her now, hands holding hers in a desperate attempt to get her to listen to him. “Babe, you gotta let me finish. I told you I’m not leaving you, let me finish.”

“You have kids! Somewhere outside of Seattle you have kids and in no universe are you going to know that and stay here with me, Alex,” Jo’s voice was shaking, but the words rolled off her tongue so easily that she knew this was a fear she had held too tightly for too many years. “I meant what I said, you’re a good man. Good men don’t leave their kids thousands of miles away to be with their wife, we both know that all too well.”

Her and Alex hold each other's stares for a moment and Jo wants to scream and kick and beg him not to go. She can see that look on his face, the one that means his mind is far far away and she knows deep down that he’s counting down the seconds until he can leave her and get back to whatever perfect life he had already started to build in Kansas. Of all the people to leave her in her life, she had never anticipated losing Alex, especially not like this. 

“Izzie is remarried, to this great guy named Vince. He… the kids love him and she loves him and…,” Alex let out a small chuckle, tears welling up in his eyes as well. “It’s exactly the life I had pictured for her. She’s happy and she’s alive, she’s got some great kids and I don’t… I don’t feel the need to stay there and be a dad to those kids because that perfect life Izzie has? I want that, I want a big house and kids running around like crazy and I want it all with you, Jo Karev. I can’t picture that with anyone but you. And I’m sorry that it took weeks of me laying alone in a hotel room in freakin’ Kansas to realize that, but I love you so much, Jo. I don’t ever wanna not see you again.”

Jo stared at Alex for a moment longer before reaching a hand up and slapping his shoulder. The worry she had been holding onto, the fear that he was going to leave for this new life, slipped away and Jo almost cried at the relief she felt. She wasn’t shocked that he had wanted to see his kids, see the two little people who were half him. And if you had asked her, Jo would’ve bet money on Alex insisting that he needed to help raise them. But he didn't… he came back home to her. 

“Fucking asshole! Maybe you should’ve started with the ‘I’m staying in Seattle’ part so I didn’t start spiraling out,” Jo exclaimed, her hands coming up to hold Alex’s face, just as he had done for her. She met his nervous eyes with a smile, leaning down to kiss him chastely. “I’m glad you aren’t left wondering about what could’ve been, about them. But maybe call me next time? Please?”

Alex nodded, Jo’s fingers running over the thick beard on his cheek as she kissed him once more. She knew that he would need time, that despite him coming back home to her seeing his kids was a huge shock. Alex had stood by her side more times than she deserved though, walking him through this was nothing compared to the psycho ex husband and the biological mom trauma that she had saddled him with. 

“I want it all with you too, you crazy man. White picket fences and a dog and kids and everything we didn’t get growing up,” Jo let a chuckle slip from her as she rested her forehead against Alex’s. “I missed you so much, I’m gonna keep you in bed for a few days just to make sure you remember what you’d be missing if you left me.”

Alex’s deep laugh sounds then, the sound that Jo had been so desperately craving to hear. She kisses him again, hungrily brushing her tongue against his lips and pulling him onto the couch without a second thought.

“I promise you Jo,” Alex’s breath is hot against Jo as his fingers trail under her shirt. She fights off the urge to close her eyes in pleasure and meets his eyes again. “I’m always gonna come back home to you.”

“I promise you Jo,” Alex’s breath is hot against Jo as his fingers trail under her shirt. She fights off the urge to close her eyes in pleasure and meets his eyes again. “I’m always gonna come back home to you.”

[ma-gic-gay]

The kiss had complicated things.

Asking for an anullment had complicated it even more.

This was just supposed to be a marriage of convenience, a marriage built upon keeping Wiley safe from everything that could hurt him. Especially Nelle. They got married to protect him, so Michael could have a better chance in court against her.

After they won sole custody, the psycho bitch had kidnapped him after slashing Brook Lynn's throat. Thankfully, Michael had found them and saved Wiley.

That damn kidnapping is the reason Willow's thinking like this. Well, maybe one good thing came out of that besides extra quality family moments: her kiss with Michael after he'd brought their son back home.

Their son. Willow was officially adopting Wiley. Diane had the paperwork ready to go, all they had to do was sign it tomorrow and then her and Michael would always be in each other's lives, whether they wanted to or not.

She really wanted to be in his life in a bigger way than just a co parent for Wiley. As much as she loved that little boy, and there was no way to put the love she has for him into words, she didn't want to be the parent who's house he goes to on the weekends or a visitor to him. Granted, Michael would never let that happen. He was too kind, too perfect when it came to that, amongst other things. Michael wanted to make sure that their family stays just that, a family. Dysfunctional to an extent, yes, but a family.

It's almost like everyone is yelling for them to get together. Even his grandmother and brother who had met Willow ten seconds before saying how obviously happy she made his little brother.

Maybe she's just overthinking this. After all, Michael might still be in love with Sasha. It's completely possible; they were together for a long time.

But...

What if she's not? What if this isn't all in her head, and she's not freaking out and internally losing it over nothing? What if this is real, a genuine connection, and they're just throwing it away?

Dante said something about this when they'd met, in between quick witted remarks about the dysfunction she had married into. He'd actually said a lot of important things, she thinks.

"I'd ask my little brother if you make him happy, but you obviously do. I can see it written all over his face," Dante had said as soon as they were introduced.

Michael had brought up getting an annulment as opposed to a divorce, which she explained had been in part because they didn't have any irreconcilable differences. "Well, I just got here, so what do I know, but you two seem pretty happy together. And compatible- genuinely, that's a rare thing! But you guys know what's best for you guys."

She couldn't believe it. Each day, their family moments, it felt more and more like normal. Her broken heart had mended, she knew it. When she had to speak to Chase the other day, she didn't feel like she was in love with him anymore. She could look him dead in the eyes and still not feel that spark.

It was a confusing situation in general, with Michael having asked for an annulment after saying how great she was and kept looking at her with that look, the half smile and loving eyes.

How she loved that look. It was becoming a favorite thing of hers, seeing him look at her like that. She didn't know what it was, but if anyone was going to, she figured it would be Dante.

Or she could ask Michael himself. After all, they always promised to tell the truth to each other no matter what happened. Honesty and trust were the foundation of their marriage. Despite the fact it would be ending a lot sooner than she would've liked, they were still married. Rules still applied.

And that's how she ended up waiting anxiously in the foyer for her husband to come home. "Hello, Willow. What are you doing?" Dante asks when he walks in the door. "I mean no offense by that, of course, it's just you look like you've got something on your mind. Or, rather, someone. You also look like Lulu back when we were just married and she was so excited to see me at home, so I'm going to guess you're looking for Michael and have something important to tell my little brother."

"I can't get anything past you," she chuckles softly. Dante genuinely cared about the people around him and who made his family happy, that she could see easily.

"So why are you waiting for my brother?"

Willow takes a deep breath, sitting on one of the stairs so she stops pacing. "Well, you look like there's something on your mind. Wanna talk about it?"

Dante let's out a quiet laugh. "You don't want to go first, fine, I will. I just saw Lulu at the Floating Rib. She was there for Maxie's engagement party, I guess. Something I was not invited to, since she didn't know I was back in town. Anyways, we were chatting and then Dustin walked in. He was talking about a PTA meeting. I knew they were serious, but I had no clue that they were serious enough he's on the PTA."

"Dustin's not on the PTA, he's a teacher. He had to make a presentation. I know because I'm a teacher too. I get kids who have been transfers from his school." Willow informs him, watching as relief goes over her brother-in-law's face.

"That's good, but still. He then offered to start getting to know me, practically insinuating that I'm just some dude he has to deal with in Lulu's life. It feels like a bad love triangle, the first of many you'll experience as Wiley's mother. I don't know, I don't like the guy," Dante sighs.

"I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but to be honest, his reviews are meh at best. The kids like him, for sure, but I don't know. Haven't made up my decision about him yet," she smiles.

Smiling back, Dante says, "Well, you've got to tell me now. What are you so desperate to tell Michael you're pacing like a newlywed who needs sex?"

She bursts out laughing. "You're blunt, Dante. Lulu isn't going to pick Dustin, you know that."

"It's Lulu Spencer. I'd like to think I know her, but I don't know. She's... Changed since I last saw her. In a good way, but still, change is change. Peter offered me a job where we might be working together, so there's that. Anyways, enough of me. You're not getting out of talking about Michael anymore."

Willow playfully glares at Dante. "Fine. I'm going to tell him that I don't want an annulment."

A huge smile breaks out onto Dante's face. "Thank God, I was half convinced you weren't going to tell him or he wasn't going to tell you."

"Wait, Michael doesn't want one either?" Willow asks, confused. He had been sending mixed signals for a while now, but so had she. Her feelings were... Complex, that'd be the ideal phrase to describe them. She didn't know if she loved him yet, nor did she want to rush into that or anything, but there was an attraction she couldn't shake to him.

"Wow, Willow. You're both the most oblivious people on the planet. You're perfect for each other," Dante laughs. "Of course he doesn't want an annulment! Have you seen the way he looks at you lately? That's not how you look at your friend, or convenient wife. That's how you look at someone you love! I've only seen the two of you together a couple of times, but my big bro instincts are telling me that he's doing his thing where he doesn't go for what he wants."

Willow laughs along with him. "That's so frustrating, right? He won't allow himself to have anything good without overthinking it."

As they're laughing, Michael walks in. "What's so funny?" He asks Willow and Dante, confused.

"It's not even really funny, it's just that- Michael, I'm going to let you two speak for a minute. I've got to get to... Somewhere that's not here," Dante excuses himself.

That was weird, Michael thinks as Willow stands. "Is it just me or is he asking weird?"

Willow smiles, "He's not, but we do have to talk."

Taking a deep breath, Michael nods his agreement. "Okay, you wanna go to the living room so we can sit for this conversation, because I've got something to tell you too."

"Me first," Willow says as she sits on the couch next to him. "Michael, I don't want an annulment."

Michael breathes a sigh of relief, "Can I ask why?"

"If you still want to get one, of course we'll get one. But I don't want to. I want to stay married to you and not just because of the house and not cooking or cleaning, which are huge pros. I want to stay married to you because you're kind and loving. You always treat me with respect I didn't know I deserved until we got married. Chase was- he was great, but you don't put work before me, or your family. Family is the most important thing to you, not work or money or any of that stuff. You love Wiley as much as I do, and you're the only person who understands what it's like to be dealing with this stuff as a parent, and as a person. He's not just something that comes with me for you, he's someone important and who you love. I don't feel like I'm a second choice, or that I'm too needy, or that I've got to reschedule my plans so you can do something. And with Chase, it didn't always feel like that. You found out about something I loved and instantly found a broker to get the best wine selections because you wanted me to be able to have that back. Look, what I'm trying to say is I like you, Michael."

There's a quiet in the room as Michael takes in everything Willow just said to him. "As in romantically?" He asks, still processing what he just heard from her.

"Yes, romantically. And I get it if you don't feel the same, it's just that I feel like you might because you're acting like you're into me sometimes and you did say that I was everything you could've hoped for so I guess I just wanted to say this. I Also, Dante was surprisingly helpful in getting me to be able to say this to you," Willow smiles anxiously at the man sat next to her on the couch.

His brain is going a million miles an hour, trying to properly process everything. Willow can't deal with the silence, however, and starts rambling: "If you're trying to think of an easy way to let me down, Michael, just do it flat out. No harm, no foul. It doesn't change what I feel, but it will make me feel less embarrassed about putting you in such an uncomfortable situation."

"You done?" Michael half smirks, and she nods before he kisses her, soft yet perfect. Willow can feel herself falling in love with this kiss, which is arguably better than the other two they've had, as fantastic as they've been.

When they pull away, Michael gives her the look again. It's more intense, but she's realized he's always got it when he's talking to her. "Willow, I like you a lot. I've liked you since we first met, and honestly, I don't know if I ever entirely stopped. The only reason I suggested the annulment is because I knew it would take some time, and because I wanted to know if you wanted to stay married. In my mind, I've always hoped it'd turn out with us together, no matter how real what we both had with Chase and Sasha was. It took me until you accepted my proposal- which, by the way, was absolutely terrible and I'm sorry for that- to realize that I really like you. So I'll call Diane and tell her to call off the annulment."

She smiles. "What does this mean for us, Michael? I can't live in this state of limbo forever."

"I don't know right now. Let's give it a time limit for the state of limbo: Wiley's 2nd birthday. It's a few months away, which is plenty of time to figure it out and still not feel like we're rushing through anything."

"Sounds... Perfect."

You should post this!!!