#my god my god why have you abandoned me
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no because i dont want excuses i want answers, where the FUCK did icees go
#icees#i am so violently and viscerally angry about my inability to procure a cherry icee that it’s disturbing#i am literally losing sleep over this#i have WORK tomorrow#no this isnt a hormonal thing at all i totally didn’t start my period an hour ago why would you think that#and NO i dont WANT some knockoff slushie or fucking white cherry#WHITE CHERRY IS FUCKING ASS#I WANT REAL CHERRY WITH AUTHENTIC RED DYE 40#my god my god why have you abandoned me
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fingon, who was left behind and abandonend by just about anyone in his family at some point, who died alone because maedhros did not return to him in time either. how many times can you be second choice no matter how little it is about you and not have that fester into bitter, bitter anger. how much worse does it get, at some point, that it isn't even about you but you simply matter less than whatever else was more important just then. how long can you cling to the rationale before you always see everyone with one foot already out of the door. how long can you keep loving and loving and loving despite,until there is nothing left to give. and then keep giving anyway because, after all, you know what it's like to be abandonend
#*mine#mona rambles#tolkien#silm#fingon#anyway i'm fine why do you ask#like. important to me that this is not a judgment of the reasons why people left him/didn't return/etc#in most cases it really wasn't anyone's want or even decision#and obviously there were times where fingolfin crossed the ice for him! turgon opened gondolin!! and yet.#and YET. how many times until it starts scraping you raw regardless you know#i just think fingon. the complexities. the nuance. the anger and the abandonment issues and the pretending and!!!!#do you get it. shaking you. god. goddddddddd. my GUY#great wednesday night to have yet another breakdown over him end the day how you started it i guess
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the way I was introduced to dc was teen titans in which nobody ever uses their secret identity ever. They never use their names, only their pseudonyms and that has stuck with me for some reason. Idek if they know what Robin looks like. Robin is Robin, Starfire is Starfire. Stop calling him dick grayson stop deadnaming him
#ive been watchingggg oh god ive been watching non stop im on s2#now#love them so much I wanted to read fanfiction#i was slapped in the face with their civilian names#stooppp thaaattt he's robin :(#i kind of have my own hcs on why the teen titan tower isn't really a safe place for ppls secret identities#don't ask idk anything about dc if anyone knows ANYTHING about anything they will get mad at me#i only know basic stuff ok? I've never read the comics or anything I only watched s1 of yj#and the one batman cartoon#but idk i adore the idea of a hero completely abandoning their original identity snd just taking#their hero name as their name and just being someone else you know#robin is robin to meeee#but i do think there should be a scene where his masks falls off in front of like. star or something and she just fucking#covers his face with her hand before she sees him#i like that#teen titans#robin
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ok. question.
ortega ended up hallucinating sidestep after they "died", but sidestep doesnt know about that. they know it got bad, but never the full extent of how their death affected them. so if your sidestep Did learn, if they found out ortega looked for them in every little piece they could, would that change anything for your sidesteps? would their relationship with ortega be any different?
#pulp speaks#Am i thinking of my “ortega sees sidestep posthb” fic again? perhaps#shameless plug btw yall should read it its called 'seen' on ao3 and i still like it#but anyway the important bits: ive been thinking about it with my sidesteps and its really interesting to me how different they are#but theyre all some variation of “i didnt know you /cared/”#caine is. uncomfortable with the idea#i genuinely dont know why but i do know that in the end their feelings on the matter are “whats done is done and im back now” with a small#“ill try not to leave again” mixed in#meanwhile cyrus is a deer in headlights over it#itd be way worse if he learned it when they met again- i feel like if he learned ortega was still that attached he wouldve left and never-#-come back. he would still want to Now but hes too tangled in his relationships and ortega is his /friend/ and leaving would just explode i#-his face‚ god Damnit ortega you son of a bitch‚ he shouldve just run. you werent supposed to drag him into caring about people again.#cecilia would have mixed feelings about it. i think shed resonate with it a lot for reasons she doesnt want to face#but it would also hit her like a goddamn Truck that he chose to move on/replace her rather than try get her back and its easier to get mad-#-about that than question her own feelings. but also maybe she could use this to her advantage? maybe this time he knows theres always a-#-chance hell come back for her next time. maybe. shes hoping there wont be a next time.#cynthias an interesting case because shes in love with ortega. deeply. but ortega /never came for her/ when she /promised/ and cynthia-#-is still furious about it#ortega hallucinated her in death but she couldnt put the pieces together and go looking herself? she cared enough to look for her but-#-not enough to save her?#she would still end up settling on bitterness for abandoning her but the information would shake her to her core#anyway. i think ortega should be used as a squeaky toy 👍#caine lynzal#cyrus becker#cecilia rider#cynthia garcia#ortega#sidestep#fhr
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y’all pls 💀 the seleção has officially lost the plot
vini is an incredibly talented player but i could name so many reasons based on the rating criteria of the ballon d’or for why he didn’t win:
- his votes were split across his other club mates (this is directly m*drid’s fault for doing bad PR and also for just putting a bunch of superstars together instead of building a TEAM whose play shows off each other’s strengths—it means vini is not ABSOLUTELY INTEGRAL to the club’s success);
- he so often DOES NOT show class on the pitch—and i’m not referring to him speaking out against racism here, bc of course he fkn should;
- and… he HAS NOT BEEN A KEY PLAYER PERFORMANCE-WISE FOR HIS NATIONAL TEAM!! as a brazil nt supporter since before i came out of the womb, i can confirm that his OWN COUNTRYMEN were saying this during the copa américa.
so why is the seleção posting this saying they’re SO PROUD of him as if he saved someone’s life or something?? did they do this for neymar every year that he lost despite being one of the biggest talents football has ever seen?? 😭😭😭 like wtf is going on in the simulation rn?????
#genuinely losing my mind at this lmao#i’m happy to be wrong if someone knows that they DID indeed make similar posts for neymar’s losses#but i don’t remember them doing so#also i just don’t understand WHY vini was just ASSUMING he would win this award#why would you ever assume that#like why would ANYONE ever assume that#messi and r*naldo included#you know what they say about assuming 🤡#it just gives me really bad vibes when i see people with this level of arrogance and ego#like what happened to humility as an appreciated value/characteristic??? why have we abandoned that#or even just QUIET CONFIDENCE#god that’s so underrated#i love love love athletes/artists/people who just let their talent speak for itself#vini pls learn from them bruh#brazil nt#real madrid#vinicius jr#ballon d’or#neymar
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the way the ericson group were at the outbreak just a bunch of troubled kids who made various mistakes or committed crimes and were judged by a system that punished and abandoned them instead of giving them the support and love they needed, are then nearly a decade later put into a situation where now they must judge a troubled child for the mistakes and crimes hes committed against them. and 5 to 3 vote them out 😭
#twdg#i love the way s4 connects back to lees whole 'murderer' thing back in s1 😭 guilt...atonement.....systems of punishment#i love thinking about s1>s4 themes and crying#anyway this is partially why i hate when i see the ericson cast reduced down to 'just some teens' its so much more than that#them being abandoned in a boarding school for troubled kids is SO IMPORTANT its not 'just some school'#anyway its also probably why theyre my favorite cast#theyre literally one of if not the most mature group of the series even while being a bunch of kids who make choices i dont agree with#because they actually love and care about each other. even when theyre mad. because theyre all they have left#i do think the vote was a fair way to handle it even tho i still ultimately find it cruel. they couldve talked it out#but this is still a story that needs conflict to resolve so is what it is#they would rather they leave than have to face their confused feelings. the most immature thing they do. but understandable#they did such a good job crafting that cast for clem GOD an entire ensemble built around her and aj....delicious#zombie/post apoc media about love and community my beloved 😭#sorry but get tf out of here with that 'humans are evil and everyone dies' lame ass bullshit we are nothing without community#the amount of love pouring out of s4 is like getting my ass kicked but then they give me a big hug and kiss after and send me on my way#s4 my absolute beloved i really love it more and more every time. so much to appreciate even with it the way it is#the themes bro the themes........ the connections between seasons 1 and 4 you are everything to me#it speaks
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It's been rolling around in my brain the last few days for some reason, but I still hate the family backstory reveals for Sophie and Eliot. I've seen some of the meta for it, but quite frankly, it still makes no sense. If it had been something actually thought of and intentional in the original, I think it could have been so fascinating. I mean, Sophie's willing abandonment of Astrid to contrast with Nate's loss of Sam or Eliot's adoption in contrast with Hardison's and Parker's? Could have been excellent! But they came out of nowhere in Redemption and don't work with these characters.
Sophie was still actively using the fucking alias that she met Astrid under! She met with someone from her past on the show! Like. Quite frankly, that one is unequivocally bullshit that they made up and threw in and pretended could fit with the established canon. (And I'm sorry, but the idea of Sophie abandoning Astrid and never telling Nate about her just... So much of Nate's trauma was rooted in the loss of Sam, and I think that introducing this element after he's gone and unable to respond to it taints Sophie and Nate's relationship in a way bc I'm not exactly sure how Nate would've responded to learning about this but I think that it's something he'd have needed to know. I don't know how to fully express my thoughts on that but yeah.)
As for Eliot, I don't like the adoption aspect literally at all. The way that he would interact with his family and the memory of his family would be different, and I think that it's flat out ridiculous to think that he'd have never mentioned it to the team in the original show, especially when dealing with the kid cases. (I also dislike the biracial adoption as its own element because if Eliot was actually raised by Black parents in the... idk what 80s/90s? That just. doesn't feel congruent with how they write Eliot interacting with PoC, not necessarily in a bad way, but babe, he's written like a white southern man raised in a specific kind of culture that does not jell with that. It also makes Eliot look... really bad that he was apparently raised with the knowledge of how fucked up the military was and his parents' history and made the choices that he did.) Like the show may not have explicitly stated it but the implication of that relationship was vastly fucking different throughout the original show.
Just. These were not backstories that were congruent with their depiction and characters in the original show, and they're also just moves that I don't particularly like or find interesting directions for those characters. There's also something to be said about how it was apparently unacceptable for a woman to not have kids or someone not reconciling with their biological family when that was something that the original show handled a lot better. Out of all the directions to take Sophie and Eliot's stories, that's just not really one that I think was a good idea.
#i'm not sure if i worded this v well tbh which concerns me#bc like. like i said i dont like the adoption plot anyways but part of my problem with that storyline IS that billy is black#bc i don't think that the way eliot is written makes sense if he was raised by a black couple during that decade#bc the way that he would have engaged with his family and community and the world around him would've been different#especially bc he was raised in the fucking south in the 80s#bc i dont think eliot was ever racist in the original show but i dont think that he really knew#how it was different for poc in certain ways that dont make sense if he was raised by a black couple#like the previous implications of his childhood and specifically his father were v much in the stereotypical v pro military be a man cultur#that culture is also v rooted in toxic masculinity and whiteness#God i hope that makes sense bc i feel like that sounds v bad#but i'd love more black characters on the show and i think that for pretty much any other mc that'd have been fine#it's specifically eliot with the space that he occupies that i feel like it's a problem with his backstory#which also is why i dont like that he's adopted at all bc that's an influential part in how you first view your place and family and all th#that i dont think makes sense with eliot's character. like literally nothing about that reveal really feels like it makes sense with eliot#and to move over to sophie for a second i feel like bringing up the abandoned stepdaughter would have been pretty damn important#when sophie was struggling with the idea of who she really was beneath the aliases and the grift#and especially when she's in a relationship with nate who WAS a father like#and that she used the charlotte alias to meet with someone from her past but there wasnt anything about the fallout#which still makes no fricking sense either way#also insert something about sophie being an older woman without kids#(i know there's the ot3 but they're not actually in a position as her kids bc theyre still equals in a sense)#and needing to actually go no no she was a mom! and then bailed and did all this and blah blah but she's always been a mom in her heart <3#and adding in this relationship as if an older woman cant be satisfied or complete without kids#and i know that ppl might bring up parker but like lbr parker is positioned in a v different space narratively than sophie#ofc parker doesn't have kids she's positioned in a space as the Odd one the kinda broken one#her defying the expectations narratively doesnt necessarily work the same bc of her place#idk i kinda hope these dont end up in the main tags bc idk how ppl will respond nor how well i actually got across my points#but i do wanna tag them for my blog so#leverage#sophie devereaux
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me when i cant be someones favorite person all the time forever for no fucking reason: ah i see. hm. okay. i should go abandon everyone and everything and then kill myself
#like jesus man why cant i just be happy for people#its not even like they dont like me or anything i know they do obviously but my goddamn brain just goes#hey. hey. hey. hey. theyre abandoning you. they absolutely fucking hate you. you mean nothing to this person anymore now that they have-#other people they care about. which means you are being a burden and have to go die sobbing in a hole now sorry.#literally why#it fucking sucks so bad#i just want to be glad that my loved ones can rely on people who arent just me but noooooo i guess i have to have a breakdown over this#god#i hate myself so much dude#I seriously cant take this actually#i just want to be better#why cant i be better#and now i cant even enjoy one of my favorite bands playing anymore because im a selfish fucking prick#why does anyone even like me honestly#and this is over something thats literally so unimportant it means nothing i should not fucking care i dont want to care#tw sui ideation#im not actually considering it btw but god jesus i suck#and im attention seeking#i mean seriously i shouldnt post abt this#fucking stupid#i wish i wasnt like this#scribbles says shit#tw vent#kinda#er yeah i guess so#this is weird#only like the 4th real vent post ive ever made on here lol
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getting into a new fandom is waaayyy scarier than it used to be tbh. in my most recent fandom before sp (which im still mostly in, my hyper fixations have just shifted around) i made a lot of dark content, and got messages accusing me of crimes and trying to guess what type of abuse i'd been through over it. can't remember if i personally got suicide bait and/or threats to my well-being, but i saw mutuals get them and that sort of stuff genuinely scares me. i also just have anxiety in general so that doesn't help lol. idk, shit feels so hostile, especially if you aren't interested in keeping up with whatever rules that cyberbully circles make up.
#new kid noises#sorry ive just been in a weird mood tonight#i used to be rlly into sp back in highschool but felt bad about getting involved in fandom bc it was for adults#but now i feel bad about getting involved in sp fandom as an adult bc it feels like theres so many kids?#and i dont understand trying to censor myself in the show all about gross shit#cartman has a sex scene w his cupidsona in txc but god forbid you make something inappropriate in fan content??#the kids have been in plenty of inappropriate/violent/sexual situations in the actual show!!#why am i supposed to feel guilty for imagining bad things happening to them? they aren't real in the first place...#sorry for being all serious#kinda just wanted to get it out of my system#in my other fandom ive managed to build up a niche that i know wont harass me so it's a bit scary starting from scratch#i wanna make friends but past experiences make me too afraid to let my guard down for even a moment#i also just dont know what the current sp fandom is like that well#most sp blogs i follow are from way back when i was first into sp as a teenager#...so most are abandoned#im rambling. lol.
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shaking. im really normal about that scene from 114
#my post#I AM CAPABLE OF BEING NORMAL AND CALM ABOUT THE PARALLELS BETWEEN JESUS CHRIST AND GILLION TIDESTRIDER#no but that triton was literally hung on the cross next to the savior and he called out to him only to say that he abandoned them.#chosen one why have you forsaken me.#i will always be left wondering if he saw gillion as a man or simply as a vessel for the gods in that moment#did he say 'YOU- gillion tidestrider- abandoned your people and the undersea as a whole'#or did he say 'you were supposed to save us chosen one. you were supposed to protect us. why didnt you.'#WELL NEVER KNOW!! WE WILL NEVER FUCKING KNOW#im good. im normal#<- voice of guy who was raised christian and then fell out of it but has become very abnormal about it bcus of wolfythewitch
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who up being neglected by everyone in their dumb fuck life again jfc
#ᕱ⑅ᕱ — jax jabbers#why u no love me#die#kys#vent#i guess#bpd#bipolar#when u got the bpd bipolar combo so literally nobody fw you#fuck my stupid faggot life#idk where to post this#im so tired#what do i have to do#to be actually gaffed about#jfc man#im killing myself#abandonment trauma#goes crazy#haha#always the fool#turning to drugs && alcohol looking like the only option !!#always an angel never a god
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Tag drop: Jingliu
#[ jingliu. ] and so i wield my blade to the very end. until the 'stars' have been cut down from the sky. this oath: i will never forsake.#[ jingliu: ic. ] trapped in childhood nightmares; she tore off a spread of black silk from the edge of her skirt and covered her eyes.#[ jingliu: inquiries. ] ice waves as sharp as knives spreading like transient flowers in the air. freezing all and everyone they contact.#[ jingliu: countenance. ] when you live to be a thousand years. each day is carrying the weight of a mountain through an interminable maze.#[ jingliu: introspection. ] why do you wield a sword? / this is like asking a poet why they wrote poems. this is the only way for me.#[ jingliu: meta. ] this sword in my hand... naught but a needle compared with the heavenly bodies. how can i use it to cut open a star?#[ jingliu: etc. ] to the xianzhou; i am but an abandoned pawn: a wandering swordmaster.#[ jingliu: the sword. ] if there comes a day that the quivers run empty; and starskiffs crash… who will protect you and i then; or the xian#[ jingliu: florephemeral sword. ] a sword: 3 feet; 7 inches in length. weighing nothing. and it glowed as if a sliver of moonlight.#[ jingliu: shattered sword. ] a sword: 5 feet in length. weighing 3000 catties. unyielding: mirroring the defiance; hubris of its creator.#[ jingliu: cangchang. ] . when devoured; we had to face the truth that our lives were but a grain of sand in the river of time.#[ jingliu: hcq. ] their faces still linger before my eyes like a bygone dream. yet dreams will eventually fade. like clouds from the sky.#[ jingliu: memories. ] given the choice between staring at the abyss with a troubled mind and marching blindly: i choose the latter.#[ jingliu: the mara. ] do you know how to deal with the mara-struck? the answer is: there is no difference. The sword pierces the body and#[ jingliu: jing yuan. ] in an endless night; there is nothing closer than the bright moon. always hanging in the sky.#[ jingliu: imbibitor lunae. ] even after your rebirth. your techniques haven't changed a bit. / when i move it's like… / … like you never f#[ jingliu: baiheng. ] the things that we said and did together have all been shrouded in a layer of mist. a mist i cannot see through.#[ jingliu: yingxing. ] some are born with unparalleled foresight; intelligence; but make the ill-advised choices at destiny's crossroads.#[ jingliu: blade. ] that broken sword... you don't want to let go of the past. do you; blade?#[ jingliu: yanqing. ] that move was a token of my appreciation; young man. we were fated to meet this day and in days to come.#[ jingliu: v. youth. ] you can use this to vanquish those that took everything from us.#[ jingliu: v. sword champion. ] she knows it all. swords are a part of her body: the intake and release of her breath as she walks.#[ jingliu: v. traitor. ] and i will suffer my eternal punishment. that is the only way to keep the memory of the pain from fading away.#[ jingliu: v. present. ] whether it be you or I; or the generals of the reignbow arbiter. we are all just pawns in a game of the gods.#tag drop
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Hate having adhd went to go work on my fallout modpack, got distracted while going to disable the steam overlay, ended up in the points shop, went to go edit my profile, decided to change my pfp, found a buried folder I forgot existed, found some old Veneer art I forgot existed, spent 45 minutes looking at all the old photos, STILL HAVE NOT TOGGLED ONE SIMPLE OPTION THAT SHOULD'VE TAKEN 30 SECONDS AT MOST
#I'm shocked I have these drawings scanned on my pc I don't remember doing that I must've done it before I left in case my mom threw all my#Art out again#Anyway at age 12 I was writing a better '3 merpeople go on land to find a 4th one that has been disguised as a human all his life' story#Than Ma/ko Merm/aids EVER did so uh. Take that Jonathan#God it sucks so bad that kid me would've LOVED MM if it just DIDN'T HAVE THE STUPID GENDER WAR BULLSHIT#Literally the entire first and second season is just. So fucking stupid. I wrote a God damn essay about how they fumbled Erik's story SO BAD#I don't even LIKE Erik BUT THEY DID HIM SO DIRTY#THE CHARACTER POTENTIAL AND WRITING COULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN ZANE B. S1 OF H2O BUT THEY THREW IT AWAY AND FOR WHAT!!!!!!!#Seriously you're telling me a kid who was abandoned his entire life for being male didn't have a bigger impact on the pod than FUCKING ZAK?#That plot twist of 'oh actually Zak was a merman all along' was 100% so they could guilt free write Erik out#Instead of like. Having him face his actions or redeem himself in like. Any way. He just fucks off. THEN the pod is like lol Zac were sorry#We're sorry for literally not doing anything to you because you were privledged enough to have a mother who was super ultra powerful#So you were never really affected by our actions until JUST now. Unlike that other fuckface Erik who suffered his whole life alone#Also then in s3 there are STILL no mermen in the pod. Not even little mermen babies. No kids and teens they've welcomed back n apologized to#NOTHING#God. Mm pisses me off dude#AND I STILL HAVENT TOGGLED THAT FUCKING OPTIONS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#Cruddy rambles#God I'm not done I'm sorry fallout can wait YOU ARE TELLING ME THE GUY WHO TELLS US HOW SHITTY MERMAN BABIES R TREATED BY THE POD. IS NOT#THE SAME ONE THE POD APOLOGIZES TO IN THE SEASON FINALE BECAUSE THEY WROTE IN A SHITTY PLOT TWIST?#AUUUUUUUHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG#It's so bad. It's so fucking bad. It's so needlessly gendered and for what. They could've just had 2 rival warring pods#What pisses me off the most is that s3 (4) completely pivots and never really follows thru with the s1 and 2 story arcs#The writers just kinda wash thsir hands of that because 'hey the pod said sorry to zac' BUT THEN NOTHING ACTUALLY CHANGES!!!!#Maybe instead of having a constantly rotating cast of characters s3 (4) could've instead focused on Ondina and Erik's relationship a bit#Maybe have Ondina tell him she wants to just stay friends because she can't trust him. Have him IDK grow and change as a character?#Maybe so you can show kids nobody is born evil and we all need support systems and healthy relationships to grow and become better people??#THAT would've been a GOOD FOLLOW THROUGH#But no instead u just write him out of the show and never show any OTHER mermen who were exiled being welcomed back#Like u had Ondina becoming a teacher... Why not have Zac become a teacher for all the new mermen who were just recently welcomed back??
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is there a word for survivor's guilt but like......expat's guilt. where you're watching your country go to shit and you have to watch as all your friends and family bear the brunt of it
#and you want to scream because you cant help all of them and it doesnt feel fair that i get the protections of my country of residence#where i could probably choose to spend the rest of my life here#but i feel like that would just be abandoning so many of my friends#idk man it's a really weird feeling!!#all i can do when im chatting with my friends in the US is go 'haha i hope they let me spend another 4 years on my phd'#while we're all filled with existential dread#why is it fair that i feel comfortable to be visibly queer or not worry about having access to abortion??#just because i got lucky and got into a university and could afford to move abroad a few years ago??#and yes im fully aware that even this whole post is coming from a place of privilege of being usamerican and that many many people have#it much worse#idk it's just. god. why.#xena.txt
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I still don’t know what my exact take on angels egg is yet but I think I like it so far mainly because of the comfort of some dude off the shits exploring the concept of hoping and waiting for something in a way that isn’t just rewarded exactly how the character wants but yet it is rewarded nonetheless like it’s not just nihilism trying to be avant garde once again it’s just like actually this is the real perhaps tragic beauty of hope and how our relationship to truth works and whatever the fuck. Or however you need to interpret it have a nice day
#angels egg#tagged#my second interpretation of it is that the creator was just like#what if god forgot and abandoned all the people on Noah’s ark#and yet because he forgot about them he did not make sure to smite them so they continued to try to survive in what way they could#wouldn’t that be fucked up or what#and he was right#that’s a banger bong rip animated art house movie concept go off#like is it perhaps better for the humans that god forgot them#so they could continue to live despite his disgust at what he created#were they at least free in that way#wait this is reminding me of like the original concept of Peter Pan actually#like#you know??#is there more hope in the existentialism of being forgotten than there is in being forced to not exist#I think yes#he didn’t try to help them out anymore#but in that way they were truly able to become their own thing#maybe they were able to fully self realize in a way that god intervening would not have made possible#something something maybe god didn’t want what Lucifer did but still ended up with the same problem#cause any sort of control in the matter is still removing the agency of humans#also this is why I think religion is bullshit and humans just need to give themselves more credit#there is no version of a god that smote Lucifer or whatever in the name of agency that makes sense#if we are speaking of a god that answers prayers and bestows blessings or whatever but only if we do a good job#that’s still control babeyyyyyyyy and it feels like the whole Lucifer story is used just to try and mask the fact it doesn’t make any sense#At all and religion does in fact disrespect your agency if that’s the sort of thing you believe in#we are all just struggling with the paradox of human creation and what agency and ego/lack of even means#I think it all boils down to just be yourself fuck around and find out#like yeah we can force people to do shit but I think the sin in that goes deeper into not owning that part of ourselves and why and in what#way we choose to do so
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sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.
and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.
and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.
and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.
#hey Siri play In Color by Jamey Johnson for me please#music stuff#you should’ve seeeeen it in cooolllloor#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#normal Sunday night behavior#me? up all night hyperfocused on cleaning out my depression cave to achieve a sense of change and accomplishment -#- and ignoring every other aspect of my life including abandoning time sensitive tasks lest i get distracted and lose all motivation???#more likely than you think!#i’ve been at this since new years and i’m only like. halfway done. Gods help me#like i don’t mean ‘cleaning’ as in doing some light dusting. i mean there’s junk and trash piled 2/3rds of the way to the ceiling#when i call this room my depression/mental illness cave i Mean it#but no longer. i shall finally return this room to an acceptable state for the first time since. uh. 2022? i think?#i found a plastic container of dates buried under some laundry and the sticker says they’re from March of last year lmao#i forgot about those/thought i threw them away. but they were thankfully sealed so well that they hadn’t drawn any bugs#and oddly enough hadn’t even visibly molded/gone bad. but i didn’t open them up for a smell test i just chucked ‘em in my giant trash bag#i’m finding all kinds of shit i forgot i even had which is nice but it’s also distracting me like those pictures did#i’ll have to show them to her and ask her about them tomorrow#and ur probably like ‘u found old pics of a girl that looks like you why didn’t you immediately recognize ur own mom’#and 1. there’s countless pics of countless old relatives around this house that i barely/don’t recognize and never even met#and 2. i’ve barely ever seen any pics of my mom from such a young age so i have no images to reference in my mind#and it just fucked me up bc. i don’t look like her anymore. i only see Him in the mirror. but i Used to look like her. i’m turning into him#and i fucking hate it so much. i don’t like that she looks at me and sees him. great now i feel sick.#anyways thats enough reminiscing i need to get some water and food in me and get back to cleaning. i shan’t rest until i’m satisfied#well. my period + depression combo kinda Did make me rest which is why it’s taken 5 days but still. the horrors persist but so do i#it’s not just for the sense of accomplishment tho. i also need to move the 75gal tank out of the living room thanks to the floor situation#so i’m trying to make room in my room for it since it has the newest & strongest floor. i just need to find a level spot thats big enough#my back is gonna be so fucked after all this cleaning that i’ll have to rest for a fucking week before moving that heavy ass glass box#i hate moving big aquariums it makes me so anxious. and i literally don’t know if i’ll have anyone capable of helping me#so it might not even happen and it’ll just have to sit empty in the living room forever. but Maybe he can/will help me
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