#my goal is just for patreon to always be. like. one or two ahead i think

[tangledinink]

the newest swanatello update is now live on my patreon!

[mysticheathenn]

What Are The Lies You Tell Yourself?

Hi, Hexlings!

This pick-a-card reading is about the many things you tell yourself to keep yourself small, stay in toxic relationships, make yourself feel bad, etc. Maybe even words of kindness to help dispel those lies.

This is a general reading, remember to take what resonates and leave what does not. This reading does not supplement your need to seek professional help. Tarot should be used as entertainment and not a for sure answer to your problems but as a guide, a sense of hope, and amusement.

Take your time when choosing your pile. Ask yourself the question and choose the picture that you can’t stop looking at. Listen to your intuition.

MasterList

Patreon Link

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Next Reading: Patreon (unless spirit says otherwise)

Pile l:

What are the lies you tell yourself? Tarot: 4 Swords (reversed), 2 of Swords, Awakening, 9 of Wands, 7 of Swords (reversed)

Pile l you have two different messages so I will start off with the first message of those who like to self-sabotage their lives. You like to feed yourself the narrative that you are too busy and everything is hard because you are afraid of failure. You are afraid of the things that can come from actually doing the many things that you say you want and will do. This might be success, failure, or fear of losing those around you because you aren't sure if leveling up will cause a rift or if people will start asking for money but either way, you refuse to look at yourself with complete honesty and accountability when it comes to achieving your goals because you are always feeding yourself lies as to why you can't do them out of fear of the unknown and it's time you stop lying to yourself. This doesn't even have to be a fear of failure or success, etc this could just be you feeding into your imposter syndrome or for some of you feeding into your Lana Del Rey era where you fear if you aren't sad, stressed, or anxious you won't be loved, be a funny person anymore, whatever the reasoning is. You have to give yourself a chance to fly or else you will never know what you are truly capable of or even know if you can really fly.

The 2nd message is for those who identify with hyper-independence. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that the reason you do everything yourself is because you fear having the few people around you let you down like others have. So you continue to feed this narrative of "I like to do things myself." "I'm the only one who can do things right around here." While some of it may be true...you really deep down fear people letting you down again. You are prolonging the inevitable of letting people show you who they really are. Let others around you help you so you can have a break now and then, stop always trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. If someone messes up or doesn't come through...so be it. You can't control everything in your life...you are going to have to release some of that control and go with the flow and allow things to come and go no matter how lonely or horrible the feeling may feel. Better will come when you stop trying to control everything.

Extra Messages: Tea Trea Oracle Deck: June, Slowly but surely getting ahead, dissatisfaction with life, An exciting life, waiting for news/ package/ or letter, Do not back down from the opposition show strength and fortitude, solid foundation success with effort, feeling tied down or frustrated.

Pile ll:

What are the lies you tell yourself? Tarot: 7 of Cups, The Star, Page of Cups, 8 of Swords, Queen of Pentacles.

Similar to how pile l has two messages so does this pile. The first message I would like to ask is who hurt you? Who hurt you enough to where it made you believe that you can't be loved, shouldn't be loved, nor seek love. You continuously keep yourself in a small corner...my own little corner from the Cinderella movie featuring Brandi is playing in my head (Link to Song). Long story short you feel small when you are around others like you have to change who you are in order to be and feel loved but when you are alone you are exactly who you want to be if not exactly who you want to be at least you have an idea or a sense that who you are currently is not who you want to be and it's sad love. I want to hug you and let you know that you should be around others who see you, for you. You are not hard to love and you deserve the best and purest love there is. Stop feeding into the narrative of others as your own, because it's not.

The second message is similar to the first message and a little bit of the first message of pile l. You like to tell yourself reasons why you don't deserve nice things or feed into the mindset that you will never amount to financial abundance. I feel some of this mindset has to deal with childhood/adolescent trauma others of you this may have developed because you kept feeling like every time you got a leg up life would knock you down a peg as to tell you, you aren't meant to have good things when in reality life was trying to redirect you or point you in a direction of something better. You were meant to shine and have many options of abundance in your life. This message is for a few of you but this also has to deal with your looks. You possibly feel that your looks are not up to par and that everyone you meet is always better looking than you. You may also have a fear that if you ever did decide to date that the person you are with would leave you for someone better looking or "better" in general.

Extra Messages: Tea Trea Oracle Deck: A path with money is waiting for you to find it, Getting together with friends, Take care or there will be a loss of material wealth, Opportunity of windfall, Stepping into a new experience, Work/success/achievement, Affairs with your family.

Pile lll:

What are the lies you tell yourself? Tarot: 5 of Wands, Justice, 6 of Cups, 10 of Wands

This doesn't feel like a lie per se that you tell yourself like the other piles but more so of the delusion you feed yourself. This feels more of a victim mentality mixed in with entitlement and before you say nope not me....*David Beckham's voice* Be Honest. How do you feel when you aren't getting your way or dealing with small inconveniences. Be Honest. If the answer is you complain about life not being fair and you go into victim mentality mode that everything always happens to you and not for you or you just feel for whatever delusional reason that life must always cater to you without any kind of effort is....quite bold...I will applaud you for that love. You have the confidence of a mediocre white man, haha. I love to see it. This per se again isn't all that bad but it kind of is as it stems from your childhood of you parents always handing you gold stars for just existing or putting in "at least they did it" energy. You like to believe that you are doing hard work or you are doing a lot when really you self-sabotage or you do one little thing and expect life or others to bend towards your will because you "tried". This message doesn't even feel like a message to help guide you but more so to act as a mirror because it has been a while since you have been completely honest with yourself and your behavior. Some of you might be sick of yourselves and need this while others of you don't smell your own shit.

Extra Messages: None. You don't really need extra messages as your reading was all the message that you needed for a shift and clarity on how things are. Stop lying to yourself. Look in the mirror and ask if you really love what you see? If you really love the kind of person you are? If you really love how you move in your life towards things you want.

Pile lV:

What are the lies you tell yourself? Tarot: The Tower, The Empress, The Sun, Queen of Cups

Three major arcana cards and one minor arcana say a lot about you, pile lV. At first because of the type of reading this is I thought maybe you might be afraid or lying to yourself about becoming successful or experiencing happiness but as I drew clarifiers for your pile it started to come together that you are not being authentic to who you are in your feminine energy. What I mean is that you are people-pleasing way too much to the point where when you want to say no, you say yes instead. This pile gives me the vibes that when a guy approaches you, you are on your "best lady-like behavior when politely declining the guy." Even when he keeps persisting and etc you refuse to act out of character and say listen my guy back the fuck up and fuck off. Take a hint. You can be in your feminine energy and still maintain boundaries, and say what you want to say without coming off as "hard, rough around the edges, etc. There was a YouTube short the other day that was from the Clock app where someone was making fun while also having a point when it comes to people pleasers. "Oh, you're such a people pleaser...how many people have you pleased?" So many people have stitched it not being able to answer this question because who have you pleased? Do you consider yourself a dog pleasing its owner for treats, shelter, and so forth. For some of you, this all stems from childhood because maybe you grew up in a transactional household where your parents or family didn't do anything for you without expecting something in return, or even romantic and friendships have done this. It's okay to say no from time to time. It's okay to not be this prime and prissy-like persona. Again you can be loving and kind while still painting boundaries and saying no to things you don't want to do.

Extra Messages: None like pile lll, you don't really need any extra messages as your message has everything that you need to hear.

Thank you for liking and reblogging my readings. I always appreciate you guys on here and on Patreon.

Stay safe and be blessed

Next Reading: Patreon (Unless spirit says otherwise)

[mylifeiscomics]

Here at last! My newest series!

You voted for it, you got it. A "fix-it" that's really gonna heal you after watching Parting of the Ways for the millionth time. (I deserve compensation for the emotional damage I experienced RTD!).

Summary: Bad Wolf, and by extension, Rose, with all their infinite power decide to take things into their own omnipotent hands. It's time for the Doctor to get some much-needed R&R! Adjusting to life in the slow lane is a little hard for our Doctor, but the goal is healing and he's willing to try. Perhaps all he needed was just a bit of something human to help him get there.

I will post regularly here, but, I actually just started up a Patreon that you can subscribe to for a dollar and get the advanced posts! You can read the first part right now, or wait till it's free here and/or on my website.

Here is my Patreon if you want to read ahead!

Thanks so much for supporting me and reading my comics! I absolutely love doing this, and I wish I could do it for a living. It's literally always been my dream since I was a small child to make comics for a living. Any money I earn this way goes back into the Adobe software I use to make the comics and my other bills because raising two kids in Canada is incredibly expensive. I cannot thank you enough! Cheers!

@deardiary17 @mizzingyou @i-belong-in-a-retirement-home @kittenwhodidntwanttogiveup @septic-dr-schneep @queenlovett @theoncomingdoo-dah @thethickofitt @jicklet @ginshoujo @samsrosary @confusedwhovian23 @icouldntthinkofanythingclever @the-wolf-among-the-roses Tagging you all because you were tagged on my last series and I thought you'd want to read this one. Let me know if you would like to continue to be tagged or not! Anyone who wants to be added to the tag list just let me know.

[siderealmaven]

Good morning and Happy Full Moon in Libra! ⚖️🌕✨

originally published on @siderealmaven's Patreon.

I would like to congratulate all of you for making it through the ridiculously hectic astrology of April, which included two eclipses, a Mercury retrograde, and a Saturn-Mars conjunction. I guess if you’re not into astrology you might be able to just shake your head and say “Well, that was crazy. Anyway!” But if you are an astrologer or astrology enthusiast then you’re probably sitting with your journal thinking “So what did that mean for me?”

Well if so, you’re in good company. This author loves to psychoanalyze the stars, the society, the self and to be honest, this new Taylor Swift album that seems to have more layers than Shrek’s onion. We may finally be out of the astrological dog house (which felt like walking through a rainstorm pushing a dead car up a hill to a gas station that turns out to be closed!) but this Full Moon still serves as an important chapter for our Libra House that will last until November 1st, 2024 on the next New Moon in Libra. (That’s a 6mo cycle!)

Full Moons are all about Release. They are the climax of a story, the birth of something that’s been gestating, the letting go of built up energy. This can be reflected in the Tower card, pulled from my Tarot Manara deck. The tower represents a shake up and sometimes even a shake down. It’s a disruption that forces everyone to stop and witness a change that will alter life as we know it.

However this doesn’t mean that your Tower moment will be gigantic, in your face, or even obvious. Libra is not a loud or dramatic sign, it’s quiet and strategic. It’s persuasive and at times even deceptive in its motives. But one thing you can always count on with Libra is fair play. For every action there seems to be an equal and opposite reaction. Whatever falls is replaced with something new and sometimes that new thing is so shiny and so distracting we don’t always notice what is fading out.

If you want “clues,” on how this will affect you personally, then look to the topics of your Libra house and consider the placement of your natal Venus. Overall, the presence and power of Venus is represented by the Hierophant card, which speaks to us about belonging, community, social groups, identities and the rules we all agree to follow when we commune with each other. Drawing this card can indicate getting a new job, joining a new friend group, attending social gatherings, organizing with a union, getting married, graduating or even going to a new school.

Together the Tower and the Hierophant present an opportunity for you to shake the table when it comes to your social groups, social obligations, and the boundaries you set for yourself in these spaces. If you’ve been wanting to try something new, to get into a new hobby, to change up your career, or finally walk away from something that you no longer hold any joy or motivation for, this card combo suggests that the time is now.

With Venus entering Aries today and Mercury stationing direct in Aries on 4/25, we are being given the fiery boost necessary to make changes to the way we show up for ourselves and within relationships. We are being given the power to break negative cycles of behavior and implement new ones, to set boundaries and move in new directions. You may also feel called to break a tradition around this time and Aries encourages you to trust your instincts here. After all, new traditions can be built if you’re willing to be the first one to try.

So this week, so ahead and ask yourself; What do you wish was different? How can you change your behavior to align yourself with these desires? How can you leverage your community to help achieve these goals? Do you have room in your heart and life for more connections you might need but not yet have? Are you brave enough to seek them? To not run away when you meet them?

And lastly, be real with yourself. Take some accountability for the way your own attitudes and inaction may be contributing to previous setbacks or stagnancy. Yes, community is vital to our survival as a species. But you’re also an individual adult in charge of yourself. Nobody can make you change but you. ❤️‍🔥

Thank you so much for reading! <3

[night-market-if]

Dev Blog #1

Alright, I figure I should probably do one of these since I'm living and breathing this damn story as of late.

Demo for The Night Market, is about 85% there. I have two tree's to complete, and then I want to go over it and make sure that the MC doesn't sound absolutely insane from choice to choice. I have two people who are going to beta it for me for broken links and major errors. Once they give me the go ahead, I should be good to post. My hope is sometime the first week of April.

My work schedule is completely up in the air right now due to life getting in the way. So far, Monday's are my consistent days to put in a good eight hours. I then try to carve out as much as possible on the weekends and the occasional week night. Thank god I'm a night owl. Due to this, I have had a small amount of feeling discouraged because I am a hamster in a spiny wheel and want things done when I want them done. LOL

Sooooo, in order to appease this nature of wanting to ALWAYS have content, I started a little community IF game here on Tumblr called Paper Lantern's. So far, I am incredibly pleased with the participation and the story. I think this also allows for community conversations in between the big chapters of The Night Market. Ultimately, they do not affect your master game play, but it will help you with a better and bigger understanding of the world.

I am greatly enjoying all the comments and asks on both Paper Lantern's and the Night Market, and cannot wait to get more content out to you all. I do not expect for anyone to do this without at least a demo out, but please consider supporting me through Patreon or Ko-fi. My hope is to be able to make this into my full time career very soon. I got a couple kids I would like to show that just because your goals didn't work when you intended them to, doesn't mean you can't still make them a reality.

Thank you again for all your support. Keep up those asks and that community participation on Paper Lantern's!

Links to: Patreon | Ko-fi | Paper Lantern's | Demo TBA

[kohakhearts]

Read FREE on Patreon!

For centuries, the world of Komos has been neatly divided into two categories: Light and Dark, the kingdom of Aether and, beyond the uncrossable border, the kingdom of Erebus. The relic of a great war headed by the royal Evenellis brothers, said to be the first humans blessed with the ability to cast magic, the division between the Light mage Aetherians and the Dark mage Erebusians has been heralded by a long and bloody history of hatred for one another on account of their magical differences.

Sixteen-year-old Nerissa Smith and her younger brother, Poseidon, are Grey mages: a perfect and unheard of mix of Light and Dark. Just months after the Heavens have lost their regular hue to an extraordinary, omnipresent grey, Poseidon is dreaming of the angelic diviners described in myth books across the globe, and their secretive mother is acting even more oddly than usual. When her past unexpectedly collides with their present, the three of them are forced out of hiding and wind up under the protection of a dedicated group of political reformists. Led by a childhood friend of their mother’s, the idealistic ex-noble Adonis Archer, these people want a revolution—and they think Nerissa and Poseidon can be the ones to spark it.

But it is not only the social order of their kingdom that is falling out of balance; the infinite entity Chaos, giver of all the world’s magic and commander of the twelve mythical angels of Poseidon’s dreams, seems to have something to do with the disturbance of the Heavens. By virtue of their hybrid magic, it is suddenly up to Nerissa and Poseidon to find a way to restore stability to their world, even as they prepare for the war they were born to fight.

one year after its initial early access release to my patrons, my fantasy novel Of Storm and Ash is now available to read in full for free! OSA is about 400 pages long, which totals up to 18 chapters and roughly 135k words. it’s the first of a four-part series following 16-year-old Nerissa Smith and her 12-year-old brother, Poseidon. as of today, book 2, Of Earth and Sky, is available to read with a pledge of $1+, ahead of a september 15 release. one year from now, OES will be made free to read as well, alongside the early access release of book 3!

if you’re interested in buying OSA as a paperback, hardcover, or ebook, you can do so here.

i have been touched beyond words at the response OSA has gotten by friends and strangers alike, and i’m so, so grateful for all the support! every piece of fanfiction written or fanart drawn is something i cherish; i have admittedly been moved to tears by some of the reviews and DMs i received from readers. this story is very near to my heart, and it means more to me than i can ever say to know it has impacted others too! i’ve always wanted to just tell stories. it’s not my goal to monetize my writing. i do this for fun, and i post and publish my work to reach others. so, i really hope you enjoy the story with the chance to read it without the need to bypass a paywall!

that being said, writing is my sole source of income as i work towards my bachelor’s degree. despite some chronic health issues and moderate-to-severe adhd, i’m a full-time student - and i pay out-of-pocket to publish my work around rent, tuition, medications, and all my other bills and expenses. if you can and are willing, tips to my ko-fi go a long way, or you can access all my original work at least one year before everyone else with a pledge to my patreon as low as $1. i receive all royalties from my book sales, so if you would like to buy my novels in a real book format, it would be incredibly appreciated! once all my own needs are met, i choose to save any money i make from writing with the end goal of donating as much of it as i can to help mental health initiatives in rural canada, particularly for youths.

thank you so much again for supporting me! if you read OSA, i really hope you enjoy it!

“Here’s to rebirth,” Ada said, and there was no trace of parteam in baella anywhere in her voice.

Here’s to revolution, Nerissa heard. It was singing out all around them, the chants of their fellows. Their brothers in arms. Their family, if they could even be called that.

Those before them had spread their ashes.

Now, they would bring storm unto the kingdom, and finish what they had started.

- Of Storm and Ash, chapter 8

[popculturebuffet]

Danny Phantom Reviews Poll Winner: Kindred Spirits!: Danny Really, Really Hates Clones

Hello all you happy people! I”m Jake , I review animation comics and film and today marks the return of one of the most popular segments on this blog: My Monthly Danny Phantom reviews! To make up for the lost review I had you fine folks pick from one of four episodes, two of which are selected by my patrons, over on Patreon. 15 of you fine folks voted, as well as myself though I do not look at any results till I have just to make it fair, voted and while every episode got some love...

The winner by a LANDSLIDE was Kindred Spirits, picked by good friend of the blog and patron @weirdkev27. If you’d like to throw your own dog in the fight next time, join by the end of the month! 

Any level backer gets a REVIEW OF THEIR CHOICE on joining, two months after and 5 dollar backers get a half hour or single issue review of their choice EVERY MONTH so if there’s some danny you want to see sooner rather than later, sign on up. Not only that every person who does gets me closer to my stretch goals. Next one is monthly reviews of owl house season 1 and a few after that nets an EXTRA DANNY PHANTOM REVIEW A MONTH. Guarnateed till I finish it. So if enough of you join, i’ll be happy to double down on your monthly percription of SPOOKAY GHOST BOYS! 

So come on RIGHT OVER HERE AND BECOME A PROUD PATRON!

And if you’d like to help with my next poll click this link to pick one of 5 insane superhero weddings!

This one’s overwhelming win dosen’t suprise me though: While there were other fan favorites in the mix with Identity Crisis and Fanning the Flames and one of my own favorites with What You Want, they simply can’t compete with the million dollar debut of one of the series most popular characters: Danny’s younger clone/”Cousin” Dani. Despite only having two episodes, Dani left a huge impression on fans for reasons we’ll get into. 

It’s also the first episode i’ve reviewed that I saw all of ONCE as a kid. 

Yeah shocking isn’t it? I still saw it, but due to being later in season 2, i.e. right before the network stopped caring about the show, I didn’t catch this one until AFTER D-Stabalized, which was one of the ONLY danny phantom episodes from season 3 I caught in the initial run along with Urban Jungle, Forever Phantom, Living Large and Phantom Planet. That also makes it the ONLY chapter in the brilliant seasons long saga of Vlad and danny I missed prior to season 3. 

And it’s also the first time in that saga we’re skipping ahead slightly since I haven’t gotten to my next story arc, covering Jazz’s knowledge of Danny’s secret identity and the episodes around that, yet. Thankfully this one dosen’t follow up on the previous Vlad episodes Secret Weapons and Masters of All Time, even though it was produced after both so you got me there, so we’re fine to jump around jump around jump up and jump up and get down. It still builds off previous events in intresting ways and still slaps though like always so join me under the cut as I recap as we send in the clones, those laughy daffy clones.

So we open.. with a really dope opening. Had I seen this one more as a kid it probably would’ve stuck to my brain the way Vlad’s speech to danny in his first apperance and chess speech and reign storm did. Vlad watches over some recordings of fights between Val and Danny.. and we find out besides having a pawn stored for later there was yet ANOTHER purpose to giving Val equipment:  Her helmet has been recording field data on Danny and his biological structure this entire time. It’s brilliant and unsettling all at once, letting us know both how Vlad’s had such detailed info on Danny and that there’s something far worse at stake he’s been working on since season 1 and to finish his ghastly project he sends three other ghosts, one under a bed sheet, one looking like a frankenstien and one that’s pym sized to go get Danny. It’s an ominous as hell opening and knowing exactly what he’s up to.. dosen’t make it any less creepy. Knowing h’es CLONING danny and has been working toward it this whole time honestly makes it even MORE creepy but we’ll get into that more later. 

So one title sequence later, Danny is late meeting his friends for mini golf and tries making up a story about fighting Pariah Dark again.. but since that’s like saying Darkseid omega beamed your homework he’s forced to admit he simply slept too long. But Tucker and Sam are annoyed for more than just half assed excuses: Lately Danny’s been ditching them and leaving them with the aftermaths of his ghost missoins, treating them mroe like sidekicks. And this.. COULD be an intresting plotline, having Danny deal with the fact he exploits his friends good will a bit too much secret ID or no, especailly with how vital they are to his superheroing. Instead this plot falls a bit short but we’ll circle to why soon enough. 

For now he admits he’s been a bit much and vows to change it.. just as the sheet ghost attacks, leading to an awesome fight. We also get an awesome reveal as Danny is unimpressed with the ghost.. till it removes the sheet revealing a HORRIFYING LOOKING SKELETON 

The design here is just top notch and deeply terrifying.. especailly once you know this is a version of DANNY. And that’s another key part of the design: while the failed clones look diffrent enough to not give the game away there are subtle hints like the face structure and eyes that tell you this is danny.. or at least a warped horrifying near mindless versoin of him. 

Danny wins the fight by DOING A GODDAMN KAMEHAMEHA. Like no really, his beams have gotten so strong he can do that now. Like I know he had the charge ball from desire but holy shit. 

This leads to .. Danny booking and leaving his friends to get blamed for it. Also they don’t you know, blame a ghost since their public and that happens for no reason. And this is one fo the big reasons why this plot dosen’t work: they CONTRIVE reasons for the others to be left holding the bag to make Danny look worse. They have to actively work to make him be a shitty friend. 

Another problem.. is that they’ve ALREADY DONE THIS PLOT AND BETTER BEFORE. It ended up being fitting I put “What You Want” in the poll for this episode because this subplot rehashes part of that. In that underrated Gem, Tucker also is left with consequence after consequence due to Danny having powers. But in What You Want instead of contrivances, they think of less over the top but still understandbly frustrating ways Danny accidently, key word being ACCIDENTALLY screws over his best pal (Sam is out of comission with a cold for most of this one). He has to bail at a football game and leave tucker as mascot to suffer the teams wrath, has to bail on the movies to stop an attack there leaving tucker with a less good film, and in general has something Tucker DOSEN’T after they’ve shared their whole life in his secret powers. It’s used to resonably build up some resintment in tuck so when Desirree gives him powers of his own, her wish has something to warp, some reasonable things Tucker was annoyed by but shrugged off that get twisted into rage and egotisim. 

Here? Danny’s just kind of an insenstivie dick and in this case especially left his friends. He says it was to protect his identity.. but his ID isn’t in any danger here. While he keeps it secret for good reason the fact is NO ONE suspects he isn’t a full ghost while gone ghost. Even Vlad didn’t know till he’d nearly beaten Danny to death first. It’s like with Superman: most people don’t go sniffing for Superman’s other life.. because they don’t think he has one. He dosen’t wear a mask, he dosen’t talk about another life, and he even has a well known if remote HQ that people assume is his home (and he likely has slept in on ocasion).  Most people who found out who he was were either really perceptive like batman or new 52 lois, or he outright told. The fact he he HAD another ID was a huge shock to most people when he went public. 

It’s the same here: while Danny Phantom is a heroic ghost, no one has ANY reason to suspect he’s only human. There were only two halfas before this episode and BOTH keep it secret. And they only know each other’s id’s because Vlad nearly pummled danny to death and saw him transform back to human and then decided, of his own accord to reveal his secret identity. So while yeah Danny’s id’s in danger if he goes missing or something like that, it’s not in danger from him happening to show up after a bit dust up at the golf course and nothing stopped him from simply flying a distance away, changing back and taking full responsibility. It makes him a dick for no good reason. And the baffling thing is both this episode and what you want HAVE THE SAME WRITERS.  Series architecht and real dad Steve Marmel and Sib Ventress. So how they fucked up THIS BAD boggles the mind. 

Thankfully we get to the good part of the episode as Danny returns home.. and finds an 11-12 year old sitting on his bed. 

He’s understandably put off by his supposed “cousin” danny, especially since she seems to like everything he does from Nasa to Dumpty Humpty, a nice call back to Val’s origin story ep. She books it though when he tries to bring his parents into this because you know, lost homeless child, kinda need their help to take care of her. 

Being a good guy and having questions, Danny rushes after her.. only to run into a frankenstien because that’s how his life goes. Try to do something personal, get beat up by a ghost, rinse repeat. I do really like frankendanny, from his finger claws to just how DIFFRNET he is from the original and how intimdating he looks. Frankendanny fucks regular dannys’ shit up.. till Dani shows up... and reveals she’s ALSO half ghost. Danny’s reaction is understandable. 

So Danny decides to table his questions about.. all of this and the two easily hold back Frankendanny working together. It’s a damn cool scnee that shows Danny is just as capable as her brother from another mother. Her mother is a purple pod with Danny’s dna jammed inside. She loves PodMom. 

So the next day Danny tells tucker about her annnndd... instead of focusing you know on the fact there’s a second ghost kid and she seems to be on their side, they focus on.. Danny ditching them the other day. 

Their right to be mad.. but a SECOND hybrid showed up, is seemingly on their side, but also knows everything danny does and has all his powers, meaning if she’s not as friendly as she seems she COULD be really dangerous. And their thought is “we’re still pissed off about your golf assholery?!” This is.. badly out of character. I buy they’d still be mad.. but I also buy they’d at least pivot to this new mystery person. Their STILL more pissed abotu the stuff when Dani does show up, and Dash frames them for the distruction she caused... than the fact THER’ES ANOTHER GHOST KID. 

So this time it’s the tiny ghost, but Danny soon has bigger issues.. as Vlad has arrived and we get a truly awesome scene, for all parties involved. Danny tries using Vlad’s own mental blindspots against him, asking why he’s not talking about wanting maddie or making danny his son or hating jack.. but for once.. Vlad is all business. And the reason for this is very simple: if he beats Danny this time.. he’ll be able to clone him perfectly and thus be done with his arch enemy once and for all. For once he has no buttons to press, no tricks to play, and no desire to SPARE danny and save him for later: just to beat him up and take his dna so he can make a better danny and throw out the old model. His fighting style dosen’t really change to reflect that.. but it dosen’t need to. Until now he’s always had the advantage over danny, only loosing because his own ego and deranged obessions blinded him. 

But this time.. Danny fights back equally. And i’m glad this scene is here as it’s Marmel’s last Vlad episode, sad I know, and thus the last time someone would CARE about how far the characters have come. Something I love about the show, something I feel a GOOD superhero work about anew hero like this should do.. is progress. Learning new skills and powers, making them better, getting better bit by bit and the joy of seeing this young hero you respect only get better and better and fight better and better, going toe to toe with those who would once curbstomp them. Not by cheap power ups, but by hard work, traning and dedication. THe best shows of this time did this and Danny is the gold standard of that. 

While we don’t see him train every episode, tha’td be boring, we see him running improvised Danger room style training with Tucker and Sam every so often, and we see subtle progress. While he struggles with powers the first time he gets them, having the ghost ball thing backfire, having his pants fall down due to intagablity that osrt of thing, that stuff slowly peters out as he gets better at each skill. It even shows here: he’s gone from doing maybe a few beams an episode to being able to do a giant one that can level a building. And it all cumilates here as this time, when fighting vlad they have a dbz style beam struggle.. and both hold it. Danny struggles with it sure.. but the fact is earlier on.. vlad would’ve won without a thought and easily curbstomped danny by now. Every victory he’s had over vlad has beeen due to cleverly exploiting vlad’s flaws. Here while he’s close to defeat.. he still stands a chance... until Dani back blasts him and we get a great reveal line  “did I do good daddy?”

Genius. So after the commerical break, which I didn’t have because paramount+... though if I may rant for a second. While I don’t get most commericals with Paramount+, when I watch stuff aimed at kids... they ALWAYS air an ad before it. Always. It’s really annoying. It’s bothersome enough right now when it’s for Rumble.. aka a film I was already going to watch and now have for  a review, and likely woudl’ve at some point anyway out of curosity. But it was even more annoying when it was for the Jojo Siwa movie or The Loud House christmas movie. On the formrer I have nothing against the person I just don’t want to watch a J-Team unless it’s lead by Jackie Chan and the latter just looked awful and I already watched one terrible loud house movie last year. I didn’t need to go for two. I probably will eventually because they apparently half assedly break up Luna and Sam OFFSCREEN

And yes I know i’m not who their aiming at but  1) Dosen’t mean adults don’t watch this and ads free MEANS ads free you dicks. I dont’ see Hulu, Prime, or Netflix pulling this kind of thing. HBO Max does.. but it’s skippable and only in front of HBO Content. So it’s mildly annoying sure but it’s standard policy and again SKIPPABLE.  2) More importantly THEIR ONLY PUTTING ADS IN FRONT OF CONTENT FOR CHILDREN. I.. I shoudln’t have to explain WHY that’s scummy right? Trying to shove kids over to your original stuff by implanting it in their heads right? I get this was standard practice on a cable network, having adds for a show inbetween shows.. but this isn’t it. If they want to watch it they’ll watch it. Don’t try and hedge your bets. 

Okay... got that out of my system

So Tucker and Sam come out to find.... Vlad and Dani carrying an unconcious Danny in the alley behind the school now. When they were in the street earlier.  Something @jess-the-vampire  pointed out and still confuses me. Guess the street was behind the school?

So yeah the two feel RIGHTFULLY like dicks for not having you know, actually thought two seconds about any of this. Then Lancer comes in.. and yells at them for not being in the cafeteria.. even though the two came out to put trash in the cans. 

So not having time to deal with an aging balding idiot or a situation they got themselve into by agreeing to get the mop instead of at least TRYING to defend themselves, they instead call Lancer old and run off. Well Tucker does.  I’m going to get this part of the plot out of the way now. After some more Dani stuff we’ll circle back to, they run into the fenton’s house, and then the basement to steal the specter speeder and the boo-merang (because it can still track Danny from having his DnA during the events of The Ultimate Enemy) and bounce, getting into trouble.. because Danny needs them. And we needed a subplot about Danny taking them for granted to get here .. why?

No really, while I apricate TRYING to add some character depth in stuff, it’s so half assed in execution that really makes me wonder.. why not just have Tucker and Sam save him and get in trouble? If your not going to put in the effort you have in other episodes to make it work, why have it at all other than to pad out the episode.. oh okay there we go. And if your wondering why so harsh.. it’s Steve Marmel. He’s had off days sure, no writer is perfect and splitting images is proof of that, but this is the MAIN WRITER OF THE SHOW. It’s head. The reason it was so good for two seasons and his absence is why it went off the rails without his direction.. or rather because Butch wanted to change the direction clearly. I love the guy dearly and while he’s botched subplots before, their usually covered by better writing. Here the better writing in the other story.. just exposes how half assed this plot is and how unecessary it feels. He can do better.. so I EXPECT better. While I don’t let a writer escape because I don’t expect much from them, hi butch, I’m more pissed when a writer I know can do better half asses it. 

Now REALLY back to the good part. Danny wakes up in the cube from Bitter Reunions and finds uh oh, he’s back to the lab again. And Vlad has plans. As i’ve made no attempt at hiding because anyone reading this likely knows and if you don’t.. sorry about that... Vlad is trying to make a perfect clone of danny. He used Val to get biometric readouts and data on Danny and apparently got his Dna.. at some point. I won’t mock this though: having covered most vlad episodes up to this point he had PLENTY of opportunity to get Danny’s Dna samples

Danny stayed at his house overnight, god that does not make it sound better, he stayed at Danny’s house overnight, even worse, and they’ve fought 5 or 6 times at this point. While Danny dosen’t shed like the majestic moongoose, he still likely left something Vlad could use...and just.. i’mg oing to stop. Point is he has the dna to make his perfect boy AND I TOPPED MYSELF OKAY MOVING ON. 

Problem is he ONLY has 2/3 samples he needs: he has morphed and unmorphed.. but cleverly he needs Danny MID-MORPH. It’s why the kidnapping: it’s the one bit of his dna he CAN’T get casually without Danny knowing. 

The other clones were failures in Vlad’s eyes... both for being mindless.. and for having a short life expectancy as using their powers causes them to burn out quick. So to stabilize it he needs that sample.. and Danny resisting isn’t a problem as he has micro danny OVERSHADOW HIM. For the first time in the series Danny is on the receving end of overshadowing and it is CHILLING. 

So after more Sam and Tucker stuff, we cut back to Danny who has been fighting it every step of the way. While Danny is badass for holding off something only his dad has been able to, and only for a minute, before, it also makes sense: Jack was fighting off Vlad, who as we learn in this ep has decades of experince with overshadowing people and has likely done so for far longer. Danny is fighting off someone who not only has the same brain if not thoughts, but dosen’t have a will of his own that we’re aware of. It’s a lot easier to fight someone else trying to take control of your mind when they don’t have much of one. 

And yes we do get some nice backstory with vlad as we found out HOW he got so rich as Danny taunts him for being a fruitcake “Could a fruitcake rob countless banks without being caught? Could a fruitcake overshadow countless billionares to build his empire?” 

It’s called being a supervillian dude. Just because your a master manipulator, scientest and combatant.. does not make you any MORE sane. Lex Luthor’s solution to dying of cancer was to make a younger clone and pose as his own australian illegitmate son, Norman Osborn let his arch enemy think he was a clone just to fuck with him while chilling in Europe, Doctor Doom BUILT A FREAKING TIME MACHINE and runs a small nation yet once faked a diary to try to turn the FF against reed, recently stuck Johnny Storm in nova mode for sleeping with his future wife BEFORE he asked her to marry him or be in a relationship (Though that’s also a whole other can of stupid stupid worms to get to another day. “SIGH”), and stiffed Luke Cage on 20 dollars just to be a dick.  Being a rich super genius and cool as hell as a villian.. dosen’t mean you don’t do stupid shit. 

So Danny escapes by shorting it out and Dani arrives. Vlad spins him a story and while Jess questioned why she bought it I have a simple answer: she has no reason to doubt it. She likely hasn’t been around THAT long, and as we see Vlad’s been putting on a front of geninely carring about her. And if he can manipulate someone like Val whose naturally skeptical and has every reason to be wary of a creepy old man taking an intrest in her, if THANKFULLY platonic, can easily be fooled.. why woudln’t a 12 year old who only knows him as her loving father? Vlad is a master manipulator: he knows exactly what buttons to press on a person to get what he wants. So manipulating someone whose life story he’s written from birth.. that’s child’s play. 

So he naturally just tells Dani the reason for the dna is to fix her, not to make another clone, and she buys it. A fight ensues between the two with Danny TRYING his best to convince her of the truth... and while Dani is clearly worried she’s wrong she decides the best way to fix this is to give Danny back.

So Vlad’s just about won.. and as usual that means it’s time for him to shoot himself in the foot. The ghost from earlier burnt out, horrifically and in front of Danny. So logically, as Jess once again pointed out, Vlad could just overshadow danny himself. But he dosen’t WANT to. And that’s one of his biggest flaws I didn’t think about till now, even if I always knew it was there: Vlad is entitled. He feels he’s owed everything by the world because of the accident. It’s why he can never see Maddie never was attracted to him: To him him he DESERVES her more and jack by being smarter and better looking. That by being who he is he gets what he wants.. not getting that’s not how people work. They make their own choices.. and Maddie choose jack because she loves him and while he’s a moron.. he’s a good man. Vlad isn’t. It also explains something i’d wondered about in the past: his minons. Why are his only minons three hapless vultures and skulker. ANd the answer is simple: the rest of the ghosts likely wouldn’t put up with his controlling bullshit. The Vultures are old and clearly loyal and DO carry out their tasks with absolute obdience, something an enttield control freak needs, while Skulker.. gets paid well in upgrades. It’s mutually benifical: Skulker robs some places or designs a device for vlad once in a while, Vlad gives him shiny new toys. Vlad is basically alone because he’s an ineherntly selfish manchild. 

And that’s why he looses her, telling Dani to overshadow her brothercousin and not carring about the risk to her “I made you, you obey me!”. Vlad can’t fathom that Dani geninely LOVES him, and that had he asked nicely or just done so himself, he might not be alone. Instead he sacrifices her.. because she’s not what he wants and he wants a perfect obdient danny clone. And because he can’t EVER accept what he has.. because he’s a selfish entitled bastard.. Dani frees Danny and we get a badass transformatoin sequence as the two team up against vlad. The fight, as you’d expect is impressive and damn fun to watch, and this time Danny dosen’t have to trick vlad to win.. he simply uses his own talent: the Ghostly Wail, destroying the lab and making sure this won’t happen again any time soon. Also Vlad’s maddie program tells the dick she never loved him. He had a maddie hologram. Are you suprised?He also made a jack program for some reason. (Shrug)

Sadly this isn’t enough to totally beat vlad, so Dani valiantly gets ready to fight even if it kills her... only for Vlad to get run over with the specter speeeder. 

They save Danny who geninely apologizes and thanks them. But now they have bigger issues as Tucker and Sam broke a lot of laws to pull this off. Thankfully for once.. our heroes aren’t severley punished. I know right.. that NEVER happens. This is thanks to Dani who, while not wanting to stick around, is greatful and thus overshadows Maddie and Lancer into saying “kids will be kids etc”, confusing both enough to get the kids off. As for Jack.. she dosen’t bother instead just pointing out as Lancer he can just make a cooler ship thingy because she knows her dad. 

So our heroes head to Danny’s room and Dani pops by both to reveal she did that and to say goodbye.. and see ya real soon. And thus Dani Phantom flies off into the sunset. I REALLY wish we’d seen what Steve Mamel would’ve done with this character.. as for what Butch did.. that’s a long ways off

Final Thoughts:

This is a decent episode. It’s not AS good as it could’ve been for reasons i’ve already hashed out plenty, but taking another page from spidey and having a clone saga was a great move and Danny Phantom’s own take on it was brilliant.  Dani is also a great additon to the cast: a younger, more naive verison of danny who also has her own touches, being more sarcastic and playful than her big bro. It’s a REAL shame we never got around to her being adopted by the fentons or joining the main cast as planned and a bigger shame the one who got to write her again was not the man who created her. Hopefully a reboot or revivial fixes that. 

Next Time: We take a break from polls and storylines for Valentine’s Day as Danny and Val hook up, and Technus decides to use the distraction of a new relationship to their advantage.. and also gives Val a terrible new costume. Also we go to space. Zoom! If you want to hear more nonsense from me here’s my twitter and my discord server. Thanks for reading and see ya real soon. 

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[sophia-goodnight-poetry]

Fantasy Life Online Thoughts

I'm going to try something new this year where I do a write-up of every book I read, movie i watch, and game I play, just to keep myself conscious. For now, I'll be posting these to both Patreon and tumblr. We'll see how it goes overall!

But the first one I'm doing is kind of a weird one – you see, the game I could not stop playing is a mobile gacha game, so there's really not a lot to talk about in any useful sense. Fantasy Life Online is the sequel to Fantasy Life, the best game released for the 3DS. Fantasy Life had a fascinating capacity to make me feel nostalgic, even though I didn't play it or even know it existed until my late 20's. So when the mobile game was released in English, I was one of the first to download. When I started writing this I had played it every day for 26 days straight. Today would have been day 50 or so, but I've just decided I had to quit

A quick review of the game's quality before I get to what I want to talk about:

It's decent, on the whole. The main quest really smoothly captures the spirit and joy of the original, which is probably assisted by most of the assets used so far (maps, characters, music, enemies) being reused. The translation is… well, frankly, it's awful, which I'm sure is going to be a turn off for people who don't already love the series. I found it kind of charming. And the gacha element is… Well the gacha itself is okay, and they're very generous with the free premium currency at first, but the pricing on the premium currency is not very good. Four of the 11x character draw is $100, and each banner requires 20 11x draws to guarantee the new 5 star character. And they also stop being generous with the currency

The gameplay loops are simple and extremely satisfying, at least for a while. But today I realized I was no longer getting anything out of it except for a quick molecule of serotonin followed by guilt that I wasn't accomplishing more in game goals. So. Honestly I recommend against playing if you have even a mildly addictive personality. instead, play the original for the 3DS. It lacks the pressure and guilt and is honestly way better in every way except for also lacking team crafting.

What I came to talk about though is the Alchemist plotline. Each Life (the term for class) has its own sets of plot-based advancement quests. The top rank in the game at launch was Expert, though they expanded 4 more recently. The Expert promotion quest for Alchemist features Sophie (no relation), a mild mannered and over-cautious medicine woman. The quest reveals that she actually has an entirely different Sophie sharing her body, who is reckless and loves explosions. 

You may recognize this as a classic Jekyll and Hyde situation, which is certainly what the writers had in mind to start. But something interesting happens in this one… The other characters encourage the Sophies to work together, to care for each other. There is no external insistence that one is better than the other. There is only support for these two women in a strange circumstance. In the end, Sophie and Sophie learn to coexist. It's a short story but it ends on a high note -- each headmate is a respected person. 

Somewhat respectful plural narratives are entering pop culture at an honestly astonishing rate. Comic books have always been happy to draw upon anxieties about multiple personality disorder, so when CW's The Flash went ahead with the Killer Frost storyline, with the evil and scary alter being evil and scary it was par for the course. But then after a short while, Frost and Caitlin learned to coexist. Later seasons had them develop a fronting schedule. I think Team Flash may even have thrown Frost a birthday party. 

I have yet to watch Doom Patrol myself, but my best friend tells me that Crazy Jane is an extremely compelling set of characters and, despite the name, it sounds like it's a very respectful depiction. They utilize a subway station as the system's headspace -- many systems develop metaphorical spaces that the members can spend time in, talking to each other. Sometimes it's a stage -- people who aren't in front are in the wings. Sometimes it's a spaceship. Or an apartment. Or a weird cave. 

For us it's a dilapidated house, blackened windows and collapsing roof and crumbling floors. On the other side is a lake at the foot of a mountain. It's hard to get there without going through the house. I've never been inside; I can smell the rot of hoarded trauma and sorrow from here.

Fantasy Life Online is fun; I don't necessarily recommend it, and I'm not going to play it again myself. I'm going to grab my 3ds and start a new save file on the original instead.

You can find this post and also support me both on patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/61852649

[joshslater]

Mystery Malware

Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

WASHINGTON (Associated Reporting) - Multiple sources within the intelligence community voice concerns about the lack of public response to the ongoing cyber/psyops attack facing the nation. The sharp uptick in incidents over the past two weeks has lead to multiple and independent government leaks. “It’s crazy that no public warning has been issued”, says one source in cyber command, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear for retaliation. No official information has been disclosed on the origin or policy purpose of the attack, but given the technical sophistication, and the upcoming election, Russia or China is believed to be the culprit.

The malware is what is known as a multi stage implant, where the first stage infects the victim’s computer or cellphone and then spreads to all the victim’s devices through a number of different means. Once fully infected the implant starts to replace applications, which in turn affect the victim’s behavior through a combination of modified in and outgoing messages, and a set of subliminal messages in text, video and audio.

In only a matter of days the victim starts to engage in indecent behavior, typically based on fantasies derived from online history and behavior, and always together with strangers. The malware sets up a profile on hookup sites and apps, communicate a scenario, and the victim is essentially placed in a situation where they just have to say yes to have their sexual fantasy fulfilled. “If someone shows up at your door, looking and acting like you have fantasized about, and start demanding you do things you deep down desire, it’s incredibly difficult to say no.” comments former counter intelligence officer Traci McDonnel. While no official number has been released, our reporting suggests the vast majority of victims do go ahead with the encounter. “I always dreamt about it, but I never knew sports equipment could go that far up”, says one victim, who wishes to remain anonymous.

Not everyone feel like a victim though. Matt Ellison, 31, is a truck driver from Austin, Texas, but drives all over the state. His cellphone became infected four weeks ago, and ever since then his life has changed in ways he is nothing but happy about. “At first I thought it sounded gay, but now I’m loving it. It doesn’t  matter where in the state I am. As long as I follow the instructions, usually to arrive sweaty, call them specific names, and always, always be aggressive about it, I can get my dick sucked every day of the week.”

It’s yet unclear if the goal is to collect incriminating material, lower overall morale, or prime the electorate for further subliminal messages, but what is apparent is the enemy is already openly taunting US defense agencies with numerous subtle changes in the victim’s interfaces. Some applications even have their icons or names replaced. “We are getting our asses kicked in psyops, and this administration has tied our hands”, says one government source.

[gaslightgallows]

Spooptober Housekeeping

(cross-posted from Patreon)

Sorry, October Housekeeping. My husband won’t stop adding “spoop—” as a prefix to everything – he’s even using it as a verb now – and it’s infected me.

Anyway. There’s been a lot going on this month.

Master Vogelspinner (NaNoWriMo 2019 project)

1) To my personal astonishment, the NaNo prep reading is going very well! I’ve finished THREE of the six books I want to read before November: The Bloody Chamber, White as Milk, Red as Blood, and From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to Find the Good Death. I'm definitely not going to get through the rest by the end of next week but I think I'm at least going to finish the ones I've never read before!

Next on the list is Deathless, by Catherynne M. Valente. I’m a little nervous about this one. I’ve started this book three times and only ever make it about halfway through before I am overcome by her command of language and imagery. Valente’s writing makes me despair of my own… which isn’t fair, either to her or to me, so Attempt #4 it is.

2) After a year of working on this book, I’m delighted to announce that I finally know what the plot is. That’s the plot, mind you, not the story. I’ve always known what the story is. The story’s the part that comes from the characters. The plot is what’s happening around the characters and what they are reacting to, i.e., the problem. I also now know what the overall theme is: the modernization of death care and the shift from taking care of the dead at home to having professionals to deal with them.

This realization on my part ended up being… unfortunately, very topical.

Sad Family Stuff

While Brian and I were on vacation in New Hampshire last week, we received word that his father had passed away in Texas. A neighbor has paid for the funeral services out-of-pocket, and we’re now working on raising funds to reimburse this very kind man, because he did not need to do that, but he did and that, that’s a Good Damn Neighbor right there. And we’d like to repay him.

Thanks to a number of very generous and deeply-beloved friends, as of this writing, we’re a little over halfway to our goal of $731. If anyone would like to/is able to contribute to these efforts, you may donate directly at paypal.me/eroivas, or you can purchase something from Brian’s Redbubble store (since I still don’t have any of my own merch).

We'll be closing our call for donations on Sunday, 10/27. Any proceeds in excess of the funeral expenses will be sent to Brian’s stepmother.

Annoying Patreon Stuff

Continuing on the delicate and uncomfortable subject of funds, I’ve noticed one or two patrons whose payments were declined last month. Folks, Patreon is a useful service but it doesn’t love any of us, not really, so please remember to check your accounts regularly to make sure you’re still supporting the people you want to support.

I’ve also had a few people recently who needed to reduce or cancel their patronage altogether, and to those people, I would just like to say: I’m sorry to see you go but I completely respect whatever reasons you had for leaving – or, in the case of reduced payments, thank you for sticking around in spite of whatever caused you to change your subscription amount!

Because while I do love money, I value your presence and encouragement far more. Thank you for continuing to support me.

…However.

The Lavender video

Due to these changes, I’m now once again $8/month shy of my first Patreon goal, a video about the Vanishing Hitchhiker legend of Ramapo, New York, which I just barely reached a couple of months ago. I’ve talked with my camera guy (i.e., Brian) and because we’ve already started the preliminary work, we’re going to go ahead with the project. But there’s still other stuff we’d like to do that won’t happen until we can cross that goal. So, if you’re able, please consider supporting me. Or supporting him! He also has a Patreon! It’s full of graveyards! And cosplay! And sometimes naked people!

In the meantime, I’m working on the script, he’s working on getting the equipment together, we’re both working on learning how to edit (Beware, patrons, for you may well be subjected to my terrible bumbling practice videos.), and we’ll be shooting some location footage at the relevant cemetery and street, shortly after Thanksgiving.

Et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum

Let’s see, what else… Randomly-Generated Fiction installments will return in December. For the rest of this month and next, they’re being replaced by further chapters of The Egg of the Damned, the regrettable not-quite-a-novella I wrote in high school and am currently in the presence of retyping and rewriting so that I can make it 100% less racist (seriously, 17 y/o me, what the hell) and 3000% more queer.

I’d love to have it done and ready for publishing by April but I’m afraid that might be just a tad unrealistic.

And lastly – I’m thinking about going back to having reward tiers. Just having a single tier hasn’t encouraged people nearly as much as I’d hoped, so it seems I have to make more offerings unto ye readers.

So what would you like? I’m open to suggestions. Like, wide open. ‘Where are your manners, were you brought up in a barn?!’ kinda open. Stickers? Monthly postcards? The chance to prompt a short story? A cameo in a novel? Dev editing? (Fair warning, that would be a higher tier.) A Discord for discussion? I do not understand the Discord but if y’all want one I will learn to Discord.

Related: ever since I started this Patreon, I’ve been talking about eventually having merchandise of some sort for sale… but idefk how to merch. What do you want? What tickles your fancy?

Let me know in the comments on the post, or reach out to me on Twitter or at my author Tumblr @aflinley​ (yes, I have an author Tumblr, yes, it’s neglected) or, hell, email me at aprilflinley@gmail.com.

I want to knooooooooooow!

[ahnmakes]

devlog # 8 // mapmaking, part 2 (plants, blender modeling + refining map visuals)

welcome back to the world of Gamedév!

okay, so, it’s been a couple weeks since the last devlog, but honestly, it feels like years have passed.  to let you know a bit of what i’ve been up to, i’ve mainly been reflecting on pursuing further education in a formal setting.  for close to a year now, i’ve already been studying computer science and game development pretty intentionally on my own - with the abundant resources available online, it is more than possible to receive a full and competent education without university studies. however, there are a few things that self-studying does not always make easy or accessible, namely: a) tangible, structured evidence of the skills you’re learning, in a format others (employers) feel they understand, b) opportunities to collaborate and build with other people around your skill levels, and c) in-person connections, leading to further interpersonal and career potentials

these are things that i think university education does tend to provide more consistently, and they are the reason that i am nearly certain i’ll be pursuing more formal education in the coming months.  i am mainly waiting to hear back on a funding opportunity, so more details on my plan in the next devlog ..

as far as progress on zodaia, the main thing i worked on this week was getting some new models into the game.  as you may remember, in the previous devlog, i had made a number of environmental models .. pretty much entirely out of cubes.  the first model, a tree, allowed me to render a stunningly realistic and artistically compelling forest:

it may be difficult to tell, but this is a digitally-rendered forest scene, not a photo; hard to believe, but if you zoom in close, you might see subtle indications that these models were created from geometric shapes.  while i did not imagine i could improve upon the flowing asymmetry of the grass or the bold sharpness of the rock faces, i thought i would give it a shot.

putting these placeholder assets temporarily aside, i decided to start with a sort of leafy plant because it seemed like something i couldn’t fuck up too much.

i opened blender, deleted the initial cube, and started with a flat plane, just the default one provided.  i then extruded it a couple of times, making a longer, flat plane - it seemed easier to work with the leaf as a flat piece before bringing it more into 3d.  i next curved the shape by selecting loop cuts and scaling them down as made sense to me; i didn’t follow any guide, just went along adjusting the shape into something pleasing to me.  once i had a flat leaf that looked nice, i put a loop cut down the length of the leaf, and i rotated the whole leaf up, keeping its base close to the center, where the axes meet.  i then pulled this center loop of vertices down, creating an indent in the leaf, then individually adjusted the side vertices up and down to create more depth, as if the leaf were rotated or growing differently along its edges.

and that brought me to this:

i know that is a lot of blender/3d-modeling talk, already, so let me know if you’d like a more in-depth blender introduction; if you support me on patreon, i will definitely make a tutorial so you can know more about the modeling process!

anyhow, once i had this one leaf, i just duplicated it and started manually positioning the leaves to make something that looked decent.  i’m sure there is a more perfomant or efficient way to do things, but my goal right now is simply to make - i have spent years trying to conceptualise an ideal way to do everything, which often led to me not making anything at all, but the intention of this blog is for ahn to make.  so, this is what i made:

obviously, as this was the first model i’ve made for the game (aside from the hex model, which will also soon get a rework), i couldn’t wait to see the model actually in the game.  i made a basic green material, imported the model (as an fbx file) into unity, and simply replaced this with the model in one of the original InteractableObjects - i think i replaced the bush?

here’s how it looked:

already stunning!  sincerely, this time.  i am in love with the simplicity of this effect - and though i might feel differently later, right now, i love how this plant looks.

next, i continued swiftly on with a tree, since i imagined that is the thing that would be most engaging and also most visually rewarding.  in the past, i have created low-poly trees before and absolutely loved the effect, so i also decided i would go for something similar this time.

skipping most of the modeling details, i basically just started with a cylinder and extruded, extruded, extruded and repositioned vertices until i got this shape - it took probably 5 minutes (including the part where i needed to bond the duplicated tree branch by manually creating faces between the central and duplicated branch vertices).

i then added in some icospheres, which i just pulled around and contorted into these shapes, which i (again) duplicated.

after creating materials for the tree bark and the tree top and putting a light in the scene, this was the quick render result.

and now, in the game..

the difference is absurd, especially considering how little energy it took to make these trees.  i created a dark and a light variation once i had the models imported into unity, and will certainly make variations with many more shapes - however, right now, there is only that one tree model in this scene.  could you tell?  without studying the trees too hard, i think the automatic rotation (included in the procedural generation) gives a convincing effect, as if there are many tree models there.

and since i was coasting on the excitement of having these models complete nearly immediately, i decided to go ahead and do the grass and rock models, too.

again, start with one shape ..

then duplicate and make material ..

et voilà.  also featuring the rocks i made.

actually, the first time i imported the model and pressed play, it crashed unity and looked like this:

why? i initially thought it was because i had made the noob mistake of making 3d grass (which i did) instead of using 2d images, but actually, it was because i had also imported a light and camera for each grass model; remember to delete them from the scene in blender before exporting!

with that, i was pretty in love with how everything was going.  the environments are starting to look more organic and how i dream of them being.

updated glacier: (not much going on here yet; needs more water effects, snow falling .. but i did update the ice color and transparency to be more distinct from the snow)

desert scene with a very bright weather:

ash biome looking almost exactly the same:

gardens at night with an ambient light:

and two new biomes: the tundra, a mostly frozen, rocky landscape with some plant-growth:

and the cove, dark because it’s inside/a cave:

overall, i am super pleased with these developments and *so* thrilled for the next changes to come.

look out for the next devlog, where i’ll probably be working on a couple more models (or texturing/modeling the hexes?) and especially the more weather-y environmental effects: lighting, post processing, clouds, rain, lightning, water, the sky -- much to come.  until then..

with love and hopefully a low poly count,

ahn

// support me on patreon?  click here to join my party and help me keep making content like this <3

[sushisama]

Longing for Clarity Chapter Sixteen

Pairing. Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku (main, pre-established), eventual one-sided DekuBowl, other pairings hinted at Part. Sixteen/Twenty-Three Rating. Story has overall NSFW tones and mentions, but the sex scenes will be left as side stories. Synopsis.  Slice of life AU.  Check chapter one notes for details.  Katsuki is in his senior year, and though he’s dealing his own questionable mental condition, he can’t help the excitement of the upcoming graduation.  But his boyfriend, Izuku, has been acting strange, being almost a little too intimate.  They come to find out that Izuku is going through the fermin, a predicament certain Quirk holders go through.  Now Katsuki is being forced into considering relinquishing the secrecy of their relationship, if only to keep all he wandering eyes from Izuku. Notes.   Izuku starts to make plans for the Snow Sculpture Festival.  Katsuki is given a truth he should have known all along. Second Note.   I am so sorry that it took so long.  I really wanted to have this out sooner, but life has gotten in my way over and over.  What really took so long is where I try to stay a chapter ahead on the Patreon, the one up on there is super super long.  And barring the stress of cons, the rest will flow easier now. Thank you for those sticking around.  I appreciate it and hope you continue to enjoy!

For those of you interested, there is early access to chapters and access to NSFW side stories available to patrons on my Patreon.  Chapter sixteen is already up!  Please consider supporting me!  Thank you!  <3  

Hope you enjoy!

Chapter Index

Izuku woke up in a cold sweat.

He was gasping for air, as though the running he had done in his nightmare had affected his lungs in the waking world.  He was covered in sweat, and his covers had been thrown off, leaving him cold.  He rubbed at his shoulders, trying to warm himself up as he forced his breathing to return to normal.

He turned quickly, looking for what should be quick comfort. "Katc—"

There was no one next to him.  He bit his thumb.  Of course there was no one.  Katsuki always left in the early morning, trying not to be caught.

Izuku laid back against the pillows with a sigh.  He wanted Katsuki there.  He wanted to have him there when he woke up any morning. He liked having him there. Not just for the fermin, but just because he loved waking up with the arms around him.

When they stayed at each other's houses, it was close to perfect. They fell asleep and woke together, but they rarely got such mornings without parents somehow being involved. Their parents were thankfully pretty hands off when it came to their relationship, but it wasn’t the same as if they were free of them.  He knew that from the few weekends they had without them.  Their time was completely theirs, even whey already had early morning plans.

Izuku wanted that.  Izuku wanted nights and morning on their terms.  Izuku wanted to go to bed after a long day of work with the man he loved, and he wanted to wake up the next day and get ready with him.  He had been thinking about it for a while.  The Tour just solidified the goal in his mind.

Izuku wanted to live with Katsuki, after they had graduated. Or at least, give it a try.

He bit his thumb again.  His nightmare was starting to come back up, and it only made him want to see Katsuki more.  He reached for his phone and turned on the screen.  It was still early in the morning, hours before their shift started. He frowned, thinking Katsuki would have stayed a little longer.

He probably just couldn't sleep.

Izuku brought up his call list, ignoring the other notifications waiting, and hit send on the second most called number.  He rolled onto his side, holding the phone to his ear as it started to ring.  It was only two before the line picked up.

"Deku."  There was some noise in the background and what sounded like voices.

"Morning, Katchan..."

There was a pause.  "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I..."  He bit his lip.  It was going to sound so pathetic, but...  "...what are you doing right now?"

"We're getting ready to go to that stupid breakfast thing," he said.  His tone was a little confused.  "Where are you?  Shouldn't you have left with Round Face and them?"

Izuku groaned.  Right, he remembered.  The students of class 1-A had made plans to go get breakfast, all together and catch up. They were to go early, get as much time together before work.  It was a rushed plan made mostly between the girls of the class, but everyone seemed content with it.  Trying to get a dinner was proving too difficult, with everyone getting off at different times and some just not wanting to do anything after.

Or, in Izuku's case, he only wanted time with Katsuki most days.

"Wait, that's..."  Izuku ran a hand through his hair.  He looked at his phone, seeing the notifications at the top.  He vaguely heard Katsuki asking for him as he went through the few messages, all from Uraraka.  He sighed.  He must have slept through his alarm.

"Deku?"

"Sorry, was checking my texts," he said.  He started to get out of bed.  He stretched everything but the arm holding his phone.

"...you know, if you'd rather I just stay with you..."  Katsuki's tone wasn't even suggestive.

Izuku rolled his eyes.  "You're going, Katchan."

Katsuki scoffed.  He could hear someone speak behind him, who he thought sounded like Kirishima.  Katsuki just groaned.

"Do you want us to wait for you?"

"Did Uraraka already leave?"

"She went with a couple others to get the table or whatever."

Izuku was already getting dressed.  He was having trouble with the one hand, but he had already gotten his pants mostly on.  He was still waking up; otherwise he might have remembered that the speaker phone existed.

"Do you mind?"

"Whatever," Katsuki said.  "Just hurry up.  We're right outside."

"Be right there," Izuku said.  "Love you."

There was a bit of silence.

"Love you, too.  Now get the fuck out here."

The line clicked.  Izuku smiled, a small chuckle leaving him.  Katsuki was getting more into the small affections in front of others. He wasn't quiet with his admission and he knew there were others around him.  And those others knew who he was talking to.

Izuku felt his heart swell at that realisation.  Katsuki had tried so hard, despite his clear obstinateness.  He really wanted to overcome the obstacle, and Izuku wanted to show his appreciation. It was something they should have been through already, but he had only looked the other way for so long because of Katsuki's nature.  There were flaws with this, but they were overcoming it.

Together.

Izuku's reward was subtle; one he was sure Katsuki hadn't caught right away.  But it was just a little more for him.  He knew Katsuki had told Hagakure the other night, fulfilling their agreement.  Izuku was free to tell whoever he wanted.  And he almost had the night before when talking to Uraraka.  He refrained from it, just for the moment.  He would tell her, most likely before the end of the day, but the extra moment of secrecy was just for Katsuki.

Izuku finished getting his clothes on and headed out. He locked his door as an afterthought, and went down the corridor.

"Hey, Midoriya!"

Izuku stopped mid stride to turn, facing the source of the voice. Kuroiro stood just inside the men's kitchen, a smile on his lips as he looked him over.  Izuku hesitantly smiled back and waved.  He hadn't really spoked to him since the train ride, still put off by his behaviour.  He seemed to not have noticed, though, as he approached him.

"Morning, Kuroiro," he said.  He turned on his polite demeanour, pushing back any uncomfortable thoughts.  After all, he may have misinterpreted it all, and he meant nothing offensive when he was sharing his phone.  He might have been trying to come out, even, and needing a way to do it.

Though, maybe, he could have done it without porn that looked like him in some very compromising positions.

"Been busy?" Kuroiro asked as he came closer. "Haven't seen you as much this week."

Izuku nodded.  By busy, he was either with friends or dragging Katsuki off, but it was still busy. "Just been really tired after work."

This seemed to be enough for Kuroiro.  He smiled still and there was thankfully nothing suspecting in his expression.  "Maybe you could chill out in my room sometime?  We could just watch movies and relax."

There was nothing untoward about his request.  His voice was friendly and there was nothing suggestive in his words.  He had been asking the same thing since they first started conversing.

And yet, Izuku still couldn't help feeling uneasy about the offer.

"Maybe later," he said, forcing a pleasant tone. "I actually—"

"Are you going to the party on Friday?"

"What party?"

"There's a guy who graduated from the school in this area," Kuroiro said, "and apparently he throws a party for the Tour as it comes through.  A big hooray or something."

Izuku raised a brow.  "Isn't that a little... odd?"

Kuroiro shrugged.  "From what I understand, he started it first for himself and then his little sister.  Then he just kept doing it."

Izuku clicked his tongue.  "That still sounds a little suspicious."

"We can take care of ourselves, right?"

He had a point.

"We'll see," Izuku said, though it was noncommittal.  "Let me see if Uraraka is going."

He seemed a little disappointed hear the name, but he still nodded.  "Just consider it, yeah?"

Izuku's smile became a little more genuine.  A party didn't sound too bad, especially if he could drag Katsuki with him.  "I will," he said sincerely.  "But I actually do need to get going; I'm meeting people for breakfast."

"Oh, yeah, sure, sure."  Kuroiro took a step back.  "Have fun."

Izuku passed by him, waving, and headed toward the exit of the building once more.  He could feel Kuroiro's eyes on him as he left, but he chose to ignore it.

A notification tone went off on his phone, and he pulled it out to check it.  He found one from Katsuki that read:

Kirishima wanted to go early because he's being an idiot and can't handle shit, whatever. The others are still out there, though, waiting for you.  Love you.

Izuku raised a brow, not sure what to think about what he was saying about Kirishima.  He would just have to ask later.

He sent an acknowledgement text just as he was stepping outside.  He had only breached the doors when his name was being called.  He didn't hesitate this time, but instantly went to the ones calling out for him. Kaminari and Hagakure were at the base of the entrance steps waiting for him.

"Morning, Izuku-kun," Hagakure chirped.  She was wrapped up in so much clothing, but it was clear the slight snow was still getting to her by the shiver that went through her body.  Izuku felt a little bad, her waiting for him, even if he appreciated it.

Kaminari gave a similar greeting, though something was off about his usual jovial behaviour.

"Morning," he called as he joined him.  "Thanks for waiting.  You guys didn't have to."

Kaminari smiled.  "It's fine, man," he said.  "We offered to."

Izuku beamed at them.  "Well, I still appreciate it."

They started off, heading toward the restaurant that all of them had agreed on.  Before they got too far, Shinsou had joined them, and soon the small group was holding a conversation.

Halfway there, Izuku's phone had gone off with an email notification.  He checked it to find a professionally titled bit of correspondence.  He skimmed over it as they came to a stop crosswalk.  He didn't move right away at the crossing tone, something that seemed to catch Kaminari's attention.  He leaned in from behind him, putting his chin on his shoulders as he pushed him on.

"What's so interesting?"

"It's just an agency offer," Izuku answered.

"Who from?" Shinsou asked.  His tone might be even, but his curiosity was evident.

"The Yuchoen Agency."

"Isn't that Nabang's Agency?" Hagakure inquired.

Izuku nodded.  "They've sent me a couple of things since the start of the Tour," he said. "Now they're asking for a sit down since I'm in Sapporo."

"Well, isn't that perfect?" Kaminari offered.

Izuku raised a brow.  He moved himself from out and under his chin to get a better look at his face. "What do you mean?"

Kaminari gave a look to Shinsou before looking back at Izuku. He kept his voice low as he said, "Since Bakugou got the offer at the JH.  Wouldn't that just work out well for you two?"

Izuku's eyes widened a little bit in confusion. "Katchan got an offer to the JH?"

When?  And what hadn't he told him...?

Kaminari bit his lip.  He could tell he had spoken out of turn.  "I just overheard him and Eiji talking about it," he said. "So I just figured he told you."

Izuku sighed.  "He probably just didn't get a chance to yet."

"You do keep him busy, huh?"

Izuku pushed at his shoulder, ignoring the heat to his cheeks. Kaminari laughed in return, earning looks from Hagakure and Shinsou, but he just waved them off.

It wasn't much longer before they came to the restaurant. Izuku smiled when his eyes fell on Katsuki, who was just outside the door, looking at his phone.  Kaminari caught his attention, throwing some snow at him he'd scraped up from the ground.  Katsuki gave him a dangerous look, and he leaned down to pick up his own snow.

"Oi, Bakugou."

"What?"

"<Don't.>"

Katsuki's hand stilled at the simple command.  Shinsou smirked as Katsuki glared at him.  No matter how many times it happened, he always answered Shinsou's bait, to the same end.  Katsuki would growl and get upset, but he never did anything about it. Shinsou meant nothing malicious about it, using it more as a water bottle on a dog than anything else.

Izuku couldn't exactly be upset about it, either. Especially when he seemed to be learning from it.

Shinsou held the door for Hagakure and Kaminari, the latter giving the tired teen a grin.  He looked to see if Izuku was coming, but he shook his head.  Shinsou left them, still smirking.

"You okay, Katchan?"

Katsuki nodded.  He was looking inside, and Izuku followed his gaze.  He could just barely see inside the restaurant, but in the back, he could tell the class all picking seats as they talked to each other.

"It's just a couple of hours, at the most," Izuku said.

Katsuki didn't answer at first.  "...I know."

Izuku nudged him.  "It'll be fine."

"What about you?"

Izuku raised a brow.  "What do you mean?"

"When you called this morning," Katsuki said. His attention was finally on Izuku. "You just... sounded kind of upset."

Izuku smiled softly.  He reached out and gently touched his hand.  Katsuki tensed a little, but he didn't move away.  "It's stupid."

"What is?"

Izuku shook his head.  "I just had a really bad nightmare," he answered.  "I just wanted to see you, that was all."

"What was it about?"

"Don't worry about it," he assured him.  He didn't want to talk about the way Katsuki left him in the subconscious scenario.  Or how everyone got to him, piled onto him, did things, and he didn't stop them.  His scent was physical, hanging in the air and leading people to him.  And Katsuki's face during it all...

There was no point in bringing it up.  Katsuki was already so worried, and it would be cruel just to add to it.

"Let's just go have a good meal with our friends," Izuku said, quick to switch topics.  He rolled his eyes when Katsuki groaned.  "The sooner we do this, the sooner it's over."

Katsuki opened the door for Izuku.  "Yeah, yeah."  He waited for Izuku to go in before following in.  "Just... why am I even here?"  His question was soft but still hung in the air.

Izuku looked back to him, his expression soft.  The Tour was taking a toll on both of them, in much different ways.  Katsuki's moods were all over the place, brought on by so many outside influences. Izuku could only be so much help, though, with his own needs almost bullying him into focus on being selfish.

Katsuki was clearly about to swing down from the small mania he'd been having, but all he could focus on was the taut muscles under his skin tight thermal shirt.  He was cursing him taking off his jacket already and distracting him from the concern to the obvious mood shift.  He had to shake his head and force his eyes on the blond spikes.

"Katchan, you know that—"

"Deku-kun!"

Izuku looked to the back where his name was being called. Uraraka was waving at him from a round booth in the back, ushering him over.  The class had two of the semi-circle booths side-by-side, and they were full aside from the late occupants.  It was separated by Izuku's friends and Katsuki's 'squad' almost perfectly, and he couldn't help but notice it.

He almost wished they had just gotten a long table, one he could still be close to Katsuki, while giving his friends his attention. Isn't that the point of telling them? So he could intermingle?

Izuku reached for Katsuki's hand, ready to forget all pretences and just come out to everyone fully.  However, his boyfriend had already rushed to the other booth to sit in the open seat at the end.  Izuku sighed, but let it go.  There was time later to give everyone the revelation.

Izuku made his way to the other booth and sat down at the only seat upon next to Todoroki.  Behind him was where Katsuki had ended up, and something about having him close was comforting.  He settled into the seat and almost instantly picked up on the conversation they were having. He smiled wide, happy to be among friends, and soon his nightmare was quickly forgotten.

The groups were noisy the entire time they were in the restaurant.  They ordered their food and only barely paused in their conversation to eat. They discussed a variety of things, ranging from work, to graduation plans, and even just random topics like movies and music.  Izuku was enjoying himself, happy to be in such a lively situation.

He forgot about the Tour and his fermin for a good moment. It was... refreshing.

Behind him, he could hear Katsuki talking just barely under Kirishima, Kaminari, and Ashido.  He could hear him participating, but his tone of voice gave him away.  He was enjoying himself, he knew, but he was affected by whatever was occupying his mind at the time.

He would be better, Izuku thought.  It was just a moment, a passing.  Being around friends would definitely help.  He could imagine Katsuki saying how much he hated the socialising, but his voice would pick up when he was eager about the topic on hand.

It was a moment, and moments passed.

The conversation veered into the snow sculpture festival they would be attending as a group the following night.  They were making plans about time and events, and eventually attire was mentioned.  The discussion led to it was a proper festival, so proper clothing was required.

"I didn't think to bring a kimono," Izuku admitted. He had thought of the winter festivals they would be going to, but dressing for them hadn't' been at the forefront of his mind when he was getting things together for the Tour.  

No, he had been thinking about how he was staying with Katsuki that night, and it had been a very distracting line of thinking.

"I brought two," Todoroki spoke up.  "If you like, you can borrow one."

Izuku smiled.  "That would be great; I'd really appreciate it."

Todoroki smiled back, but there was something a little more in his eyes.  Izuku decided to ignore it, knowing better than to give it any weight.

"Oi, Deku."  Katsuki was leaning over the booths, his body coming in between Izuku and Todoroki.  Izuku blinked, but kept his smile, though his brow quirked a little.  Had he been listening?  He knew Katsuki wasn't fond of him, but there was no—

"Give me that bacon."

Oh.  Now who was overthinking?

Izuku chuckled and held up his plate for him.  Uraraka was giving them a look as Katsuki started to pick the meat off the plate.  She had been the one to first bring up what to wear at the festival and it was clear she still wanted to talk about it.  Her eyes glanced to Todoroki, something telling in her expression, but Izuku couldn't catch as to what.

"Done be so rude, Bakugou," she scolded him.

Katsuki scoffed.  "He wasn't going to finish it."  And he wasn't.  Izuku really only liked one or two pieces at a time unless he was really hungry.  He commonly gave Katsuki his left overs, since he was normally a garbage disposal.

Uraraka didn't seem too impressed by the answer, but let it go. Katsuki turned back around in his seat after finishing off what was left on his plate.  Izuku shrugged it off and went back to the previous conversation.

He vaguely heard the other group talking about the same thing, before Ashido and Hagakure's excited voices took over.  They were still hushed, but something was almost overly jovial and mischievous in their tones.

Eventually they were starting to file out to get back to the dormitories to get ready for work.  Some of them staggered behind, and Izuku found himself still talking to Uraraka, the time getting away from him.  They were some of the last to get up and pay, still deep in their conversation.

Katsuki had left long before by himself.  Izuku wasn't surprised and was just happy he had stayed as long as he did.

Hagakure joined them on their way back to the UA building. She and Uraraka started talking about the festival again, but by this point, Izuku had zoned out a little.  He pulled out his phone and sent a few messages, one of which was to Katsuki to see if he was up for a visit before work. His fermin wasn't really driving him to seek attention, and he was more than content to get some non-sexual moments with his boyfriend while he was able to.

"That sounds like a great idea!" he heard Uraraka squeal.  "Doesn't it, Deku?"

Izuku blinked and looked between them.  "I'm sorry, what?"

Uraraka seemed undeterred by his inattention, still smiling. "We were talking about getting really dressed up and nice for the festival."  Her eyes held the same excitement as her voice.

"Get really into it, you know?" Hagakure chimed in.

Izuku glanced between them.  It sounded pretty normal for girls, right?  Why were they putting so much emphasis on this?

"I mean, sure," he said, feeling it the right answer.

Uraraka beamed, and by her squeal, he thought Hagakure was doing the same.

...what had he walked into?

"So you'll join us then?"

"What?"

"We'll only do a little, we promise," Hagakure said. "Just enough to get you to stand out."

"What do you mean?"

"Only just a little makeup," Uraraka said.  She was talking more to Hagakure than him. "I think it's more about the outfit."

Hagakure's earrings moved as she nodded.  "We should ask Todoroki to see his kimono, to get some ideas."

"Oh, of course," Uraraka agreed.

Izuku kept walking, just behind them, and clearly not that involved in their discussion as he thought he should be.  He just assumed he had no real say in the matter.  He wasn't completely adverse to the idea, having been at his friend's hands before for such things, he just wanted to have an opinion.

He caught when he was supposed to be available for said makeover. He only barely agreed when they reached the dormitories.

Uraraka waved them off shortly after the got inside.  Izuku was about to leave himself when Hagakure stopped him.

"I didn't know if we were allowed to bring it up around her..."  Her voice was low, only for Izuku to hear.

"What is it?"

"We were talking, and we had a suggestion for the festival."

"'We'?"

"Mina and I," she admitted.  "But Eijirou-kun and Denki-kun agreed."

Izuku tilted his head, clearly curious.  "And what's the suggestion?"

Hagakure clapped her hands together and made something like a squeal.  "You two come together to the festival."

Izuku raised a brow.  "I figured we were all going as group already."

"No, no, no," Hagakure interjected with a wave of a hand.  "Together together."

Izuku's eyes widened with realisation.  He felt a blush creep up his cheeks at the idea, but he couldn't help the smile that came.  "You think we should come out then?"

Hagakure nodded.  "Wouldn't it be sweet?"

Izuku had to agree.  It would be...  "I would like that, yeah."  His smile had grown.  "Did Katchan agree to it?"

"As much as he was going to."

He laughed.  "Sounds about right."

"So you like the idea?"

Izuku nodded, beaming.  "I do," he said.  "Is Katchan going to...?"

"Mina-chan is going to make sure Katsuki-kun looks presentable," she answered.

Izuku chuckled.  "That will be a sight to see."

"It will definitely be fun," Hagakure agreed.

Izuku nodded.  He looked at his phone and noticed the time.  "Ah, well, I need to get ready for work."

"Yeah, me, too."  She started to wave before exclaiming: "Oh!  Before I forget..."  She dug through her skirt before pulling something out and handing it to him.

"Katsuki-kun forgot this at the restaurant," she said. "And I figured you would be seeing him before me."

Izuku took the device, looking at the phone.  It was an odd thing for Katsuki to leave, but he was pulled by Kirishima a lot during the morning.

"Ah, thanks," Izuku said.  "I'll get it right to him."

"I'm sure you will," she said teasingly.

Izuku rolled his eyes but smiled.  "Have a good day at work, Hagakure."

"You, too, Izuku-kun."  She gave him a small wave before turning and heading toward the female dormitories.

Izuku rounded his step and started off in the direction of his room.  He meant to go by Katsuki's room, but when he glanced at the time using his boyfriend's device, it was getting too late.

He noticed a line of notification on the lit up screen.  He hesitated for a moment, staring at the name of the sender and the subject line:

Re: Consider this new offer.

Izuku had stopped, just inside the men's side of the building. He thought back to what Kaminari had told him before breakfast.  He bit his lip as he felt the curiosity build up inside of him.  He could guess why Katsuki hadn't told him.  He was sure it was because of all the offers Izuku had turned down, just to make sure they would be working in the same city.

But the JH was a good agency, one of the most renowned in northern Japan.  But its fame came more from its heroes than anything else.  Brute Wall only hired heroes that others seemed unwilling to work with, mostly who others called delinquents and trouble makers.  She was known for her own rebellious beginning, and her history gave her a one up on being able to lead such heroes.

It was perfect for Katsuki, so why was he turning it down? He could have at least talked to Izuku about it just like he always brought up his offers.

Izuku was still looking at the phone when he got into his room. He had it on his mind, what would be inside the email.  He bit his lip.  He sighed.

He shouldn't.

Izuku set the phone down.  He would wait.  He had to wait.  Katsuki should be there to bring it up to him.  It was a sore spot that he hadn't told him already, but it wasn't really out of character for Katsuki not to mention it.  Especially if he was going to just turn offer down.

He would drop it.  He left the phone alone as he went about changing.  He pushed it out of his mind as he shrugged off Katsuki's hoodie from his shoulders.

He paused.  He sighed.

Then he picked up Katsuki's phone.

::*~~*::

The work day came and went and what felt like forever but still soon, Izuku found himself in his room.  He had striped himself of all his clothes and laid on his bed, playing with himself.  He just barely got to the mattress before starting.

The last hour of his patrol had been difficult.  He didn't know if there was a trigger or if it was just a random upturn of hormones like it had before, but it had hit him hard and fast.  It was all he could think of, just getting back and doing... something. Anything.  Everything.

Especially if it was with Katsuki.

Izuku had barely made it.  There was a good moment he just thought of finding a dark corner and taking care of himself, but was able to stave it off.  He was so grateful when the work day was over, and he almost used Full Cowl to help get him back to the dormitories faster.

He didn't even go through the locker room entrance to change; he went straight to his room and undressed there.  It would be annoying to move it back later, but he really didn't care.

On his way to his room, he had messaged Katsuki in hopes he was back or would at least come see him once he got there.  Something went off in the back of his head, trying to remind him of something, but it wasn't coming through.  Only one thing was coming among his haze, and that was the need for relief.

Izuku had left his phone on his night stand, missing the other device as he opened the drawer for his vibrator.  The ringer was up just in case Katsuki messaged him.  Otherwise, he ignored the rest of the world as he started on himself.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed before the fog started to clear.  He was out of steam for the moment, needing a break before he could go on.  He laid back against his pillows, relaxing, and letting his euphoria wash over him.  He still had a ways before real relief, he knew, but it cleansed his mind for the moment.

And in that clarity, he just found himself wanting something else, and badly.

Izuku pulled over his phone, looking it over to see if he had texted during his session.  He frowned when he saw nothing after two hours had gone by.  He was being needy, he knew, but that's just where was: in need.  So, his need in mind, he quickly sent another message to hopefully get to his boyfriend.

He blinked when he heard a chirp seconds after he hit send. He turned toward the sound only lay eyes on the source.

Izuku groaned loudly.  He had completely forgotten to give Katsuki back his phone in his rush earlier that morning.  So none of his messages would have gotten to him, to know he needed him.

He spent a long moment deciding what to do.  He should give it back to him, that seemed obvious. If he did, he could just pull him along back to his room and...

Izuku closed his legs tightly, as if it would drive off the thoughts that were coming.  He couldn't start again.  If he did, it would be another few hours before he could will himself to find Katsuki. And that would just make no sense when he could just hold off for ten minutes and have him for those hours instead.

After willing his thoughts into submission, he got up from the bed and started to dress.  He huffed a few times as he did, knowing he was unnecessarily upset about the whole thing, but he just wanted...

Stop the thought.  Take Katsuki his phone and then drag him back.  That was what he should be concentrating on, while also keeping it as neutral as possible.  No need to think about what will happen when they got back to his room, no need to think about Katsuki's naked body, about what that naked body will be doing to him, or about—

It was getting bad.  He needed to find Katsuki, and he needed to find him now.

Izuku left his room, wearing loose pyjamas and holding on Katsuki's phone.  He was still battling thoughts, but it was easier to do with his goal in mind.

He tried Katsuki's door first, knocking loudly and calling his name.  Nothing. He frowned.  He had hoped it would be just this simple, but it seemed he would have to put more effort into it.  He turned from the door and headed to the second most-likely place he was: the common room and playing games.

Izuku was only half-way to his new destination when the device in his hand started ringing.  It caused him to startle at first, not used to the tone.  He looked at the screen to see a familiar name and number.  He resumed his approach down the hall as he picked up the call.

"Evening, Bakugou-sa—"

"Izuku? Is that you, dear?" came back the feminine voice.

"Yeah, it's me."

"So good to hear your voice!"  Mitsuki sounded cheerful that evening.  "How have you been?  How is the Tour?"

"I'm fine."  Izuku came out into the common area.  He started to look around, searching for his boyfriend.  "It's been... nice, actually."  He was being honest.  No matter the strain of the fermin, the Tour still had a lot of good moments.

"I'm glad to hear it," she said.  "That stupid boy of mine hasn't told my anything.  This is the first time my call has been answered."

Izuku roamed through the kitchens to the gaming room. "Really?  I tried to get him to call, but you know..."

"How bull-headed he is?"

"I was going to say stubborn."  He laid eyes on him in the sunken living room, surrounded by a number of their friends.  "Hold on, think I found him..."

"Give him a knock if he won't take the call," she said.

"I don't think it'll come to that," Izuku said with a laugh.

There was a decent sized group of young men around the television, all excitedly watching the screen and the fighting game on it.  When he followed the line across from the television, it led to the two fighters: Kirishima and Kamakiri.  They were intense in their concentration, the world seeming to disappear as they handled the controllers.  It took a moment but Izuku soon realised the men had separated themselves by classes.

Even this close to graduation, and class 1-A and 1-B were still as competitive as ever.

When he got further into the room, he caught the attention of some of the spectators.  Kuroiro was the first to spot him, and he flashed him a wide grin, indicating to the spot on the floor next to him.  Izuku smiled back, but shook his head as he pointed to the phone in his hand.  Some of the others saw him and nodded. Kaminari waved at him cheerfully, and Katsuki, next to him, followed his line of sight and looked at him, brow raised.

"One second, Mitsuki-kaa-san," he said.  "I have to do an extraction mission."

Mitsuki laughed.  "If any hero can do it, it's you."

Izuku approached the other side of the large couch, where Katsuki was sitting.  Katsuki's eyes followed him as he did, waiting for him to get closer.

When he was only centimetres away, Katsuki mouthed, 'You okay?'

Izuku nodded.  It wasn't exactly true, but having Katsuki's mother on the other side of the phone tempered his fermin some.

He got closer, leaning in as he held out the phone. Katsuki blinked and took it, though he still seemed confused by it.

"It's your mother," Izuku said.  Katsuki furrowed his brows some and almost looked like he was going to give it back to him.  "If you hang up on her, I'll just call her back.  On speaker phone."

Katsuki rolled his eyes but still put the phone to his ear. "What do you want, hag?"

Izuku could faintly hear Mitsuki on the other end of the line, but not clearly what she was saying.  Katsuki looked a little perturbed, but not really angry.  He stood from his seat and started to step away before Izuku caught his free hand.  Katsuki looked back at him, brow raised.

"Try not to be too long," Izuku said low, only for Katsuki to hear.

He smirked and nodded before turning and walking away. He was already bickering with his mother as he wandered off into the main hall.

Izuku took his place on the couch and watched the rest of the fight.  For a long moment, he was able to forget about the fermin.  He stayed for a few more rounds, cheering anyone from their class. They switched players depending on the winner, and at the end of it all, it was Shinsou who won.  The entire time, he kept a stoic expression and his mouth closed, leading to his opponent underestimating him.

There was a loud raucous at the end of it all, one that got looks from the male teachers who had been passing by.

Katsuki had not returned by the end of the matches. Izuku had expected him to, not really thinking he'd stay long on the phone.  He hadn't seen him and had just made the assumption he was coming back. Maybe he thought Izuku was just heading back to his room?  That would be a fair guess.

After a quick chat with some of the other students, Izuku excused himself for the evening.  Kuroiro slipped in our offer to go back to his room to play some games, he declined with a smile.  His thoughts were starting to creep a certain way again and he wanted to entertain them, with or without his boyfriend.

He wasn't half way to his room when one of the doors opened slowly.  He was about to ignore it, knowing whose room it was, but he had to pause when he heard a breath of exclamation.

"Izuku," he was called.  "I was actually about to come get you."

Izuku was midstep when he was spoken to.  He took a breath and turned, smiling as he faced Todoroki. He wasn't really bothered to see him; he was just distracted by what he would rather be doing.

"Evening, Shouto.  What did you need?"  They were alone, the only two in the hall.  It meant they could drop their formalities.  It was a habit they had gotten back when they were spending more time alone, and it just stuck.

"Ah, I thought..."  He was standing in the doorway, keeping the threshold open. "Would you like to pick which kimono you'd like to wear for tomorrow?"

"Oh.  Yeah." Izuku had almost forgotten about it in his haze.  It wouldn't be bad to do, right?  He could grab it and go with a rushed excuse.  And it would be easier if he already had it so he and the girls could just get right to it.

He stepped inside Todoroki's room, and he shut the door as he followed behind him.  He moved to his closet and opened it up to start looking at some of the hangers. Izuku waited patiently, his eyes scanning the room.  He had only been in there a few times since the Tour had started, purposely keeping their alone time short.  He had been vague about it initially, but Izuku was getting more and more sure of what he was leading up to.

He should talk to him about it.  Just let him know it wasn't going to happen.  Even without Katsuki, it just wasn't in the cards.  He could even bring it up now, couldn't he? If Todoroki said something, he could cut him at the pass?  Katsuki had done what he promised; Izuku was free to tell anyone.

And yet, he was finding himself looking forward to their reveal the next night.  That would be so much better.  It was selfish and a little cowardly, but wasn't it a kinder rejection?  No, because I'm dating someone else, not because I'm genuinely uninterested?

"Izuku?"

Izuku shook off the reverie to fully pay attention to Todoroki. He was holding up two kimono, one blue and one red.  They had differing patterns, the red with a golden sunrise and the blue with silver snowflakes.  Their obi was slung over the shoulder of the garment, both white, but the one with lace patterned gold stitching, and the other with just an embossed like about its swirls.

"I have matching hakama, too," Todoroki said. "Either one should fit; I think we're about the same size now.  Well, about..."

Izuku knew what he meant.  He had only grown so much, and though he wasn't the shorted of his peers, he was certainly not the tallest.  Todoroki and Katsuki both had centimetres on him, but it never really bothered him.  He had it where it mattered, in his strength and speed, and that was all he cared about.

"They're both great," Izuku said.

Todoroki beamed at him.  "Is there one you'd prefer...?"  His tone was leading, and eyes kept glancing to the blue one.

That at least helped the decision.

"I really like the red one," he said.  "I love all the gold and it makes me think of..."

Katchan.

Todoroki's smile faltered a fraction, but any disappointment was well hidden.

He handed him the red one and brought him the hakama. Izuku held on to them delicately, making sure nothing touched the floor.

"Thank you again," Izuku said.  "I really do appreciate it."

Todoroki nodded.  "Of course."

Izuku took steps toward the door, making his intention not to linger clear.  Todoroki got the hint and opened the door for him.  He took a step just into the hall before looking at him again.

"Well, ah... good night, Shouto," he said in a pleasant voice.

"Yes, goodnight," he responded.  It was clear something else was on his mind, the way his lips parted as if to say something else.

He could just turn away, pretend not to notice.  He had already said their parting, there was no guilt in just heading to his room.

"You know, for tomorrow..."

"Shouto," Izuku's expression softened, but he wanted to silence this conversation before it would get louder.  "Shouto, please..."

"I mean, we could just—"

Todoroki's words got lost in the heavy footsteps coming down the corridor.  They both looked up to see Katsuki stomping down the hall, his head down and his mouth set in a grimace.  He didn't look up, even as he passed them, and it didn't seem he saw them at all.

Izuku frowned and took a step toward him. "Katchan?"

He was already far down the hall, not having heard him. Izuku's brows raised and he bit his lip. He looked back to Todoroki, muttering, "Excuse me," before he rushed after him.  Todoroki said something, but it was lost in his concern for Katsuki.

He followed him to his room, still mindful of the kimono as he hurried toward his door.  He didn't even bother to knock, just trying the door.  It was unlocked and he let himself inside.  He closed and locked the door behind him and looked over the room.

His eyes found him curled up, sitting next to his bed, his arms around his knees and his face buried within.  There was a soft murmuring sound, and for a second Izuku thought it must be...

"Katchan," Izuku called.  He hung the kimono from the hook behind the door then stepped closer to Katsuki.  He sat down in front of him, leaning in hopes of seeing face.  He had it well hidden, and didn't even acknowledge his presence. "Katchan."

Katsuki groaned.  He tilted his head, running a hand though his hair.  He was looking to the side and out his window, his eyes red and tired looking.

"...give me a second."

Izuku nodded.  He made himself more comfortable, sitting cross-legged and putting his hands in his lap. His eyes were still on him, but he said nothing, waiting for when he was ready.  He wasn't going to push him, he knew better, but he still felt anxious. Katsuki had been in such a better mood the past couple of days; he hated to see it go easily.

But that was how it was.  He knew that.  And some days, Katsuki remembered that.

"Fuck..."  Katsuki was running his hands though his hair as he hung his head again.

"Is... is everything okay?" Izuku ventured. "Is something going—?"

"She has it."

Izuku stilled other than raising a brow.  "I'm sorry?"

"Mom," Katsuki said.  He looked up, finally meeting Izuku's eyes.  "It's... she told me..."  He growled and groaned.

"What is it?"  Izuku reached out, putting his hand on his knee.  "What did she say?"

"She was asking all these things," Katsuki said, his voice irritated.  "She just wanted to know, I know, but it was so specific, and I had to ask, and she..."

Izuku squeezed his knee, urging him to continue.

"I should've known, maybe in some way," he went on. "Dad was always saying we're just alike, that I have her temperament.  And she's always asking, she always phrases it, 'How's your mood?'"

Izuku's eyes widened before as the realisation sunk in. His expression softened, and he moved, sitting next to him and leaning against his shoulder.

"Did she actually say it?" he asked. "Did she tell you she had bipolar?"

Katsuki nodded.  "Then she went off on these stories, talking about when she was my age, about doctors and medicine, and I..."  He took in a deep breath.  "I just got so fucking angry, I couldn't even hear her at one point."

Izuku took his hand tangled their fingers together. "Angry?"

"She should have told me," he said through gritted teeth.  "If she knew, she should have at least bothered to mention it."

"Did you ask her why?"

"She said she was hoping... she was just hoping I was just being an angsty teenager."  Katsuki rubbed his temple with his free hand.  "But, I mean still..."

"...what would you have done different?"  Izuku's voice was soft, but the question was honest.

Katsuki sighed.  "I don't know, maybe just... maybe just knowing would've..."

"Katchan is still Katchan," Izuku said.  He nuzzled into his shoulder.  "He still would've had a hard time, unless..."

"Unless what...?"

Izuku turned to look him in the eyes.  "Unless it would have gotten you to go to the doctor," he said.  "And maybe even—?"

"Get medicated?"  Katsuki's voice took a dangerous drop.

"Katchan, it's not the end of the world."

"But it might be the end of my career."

Izuku blinked.  "How?"  He couldn't help how incredulous his voice sounded.  "If anything, it should make it be—"

"Wind Sheer in America," Katsuki interrupted. "He was fine for years, no one knew, but after he failed to save children from a bus crash, his medication meant nothing.  He started hearing them everywhere, everywhere, and when it affected his hero work beyond being functional, his schizophrenia was outed to the public.  He was banned from hero work, just in case he had another relapse."

"Katchan, that's not—"

"In Thailand, Sparkin's career ended when his depression was discovered after her partner died," Katsuki went on.  He wasn't looking at Izuku anymore, glaring at the floor instead.  "They fired her because her suicide attempt was seen as a liability.  No one wants a sad hero."

Izuku's eyebrows knitted with concern.  Katsuki was crying as he spoke, but he was sure he didn't notice it.

"Despereaux in France had a month-long mania where he never slept.  He just kept fighting and fighting, but he was so blinded by it, he didn't realise he was just fighting anyone."  He took a breath.  "And the depression after, he was out of work for months until they just... let him go.

"Even here in Japan, it doesn't matter that it's technically illegal."  Izuku could hear the way his teeth grinded between pauses.  "There are a number of heroes who have to hide it, because if they go to a doctor, there's a chance someone will find out.  There are some agencies that will fire someone if they find out.

"We're not sick to them, Deku."  He looked at him.  "We're just liabilities, waiting to happen.  Even medicated, we're just one bad day away from losing our minds. At least, to them."

Izuku's eyes were soft, never leaving Katsuki's face.  He was visibly shaking, tears streaming down his face.  Everything was anger, a righteous anger, but still a sad anger.  His head was hung again, his bangs obscuring his face, but he knew.  He knew the look on his features, and he was sure he was one of the only people who had seen it.

Katsuki, for all of his flaws, still knew right from wrong. He knew when things were wrong, and he felt fury toward them.  That was always who he was.  But that fury could be tucked down when it came more to himself.  He would fix things on his own; he would righty every injustice in front of him.

But this one could not be so easily corrected.  He couldn't punch his way through; he couldn't throw an explosion at it.  He had no way to fight it, not that he would let himself do easily.

Fighting meant giving in.  Fighting was acknowledging.  Fighting was knowing there was no end.

Izuku had no idea the extent of his worry.  Katsuki had always made it seem like his lack of ability to fight, to combat it, that was what he was angry about.  He had thought a loss of control was his main fear, his argument that it couldn't possibly be true.

That wasn't the only thing he was fighting against, at least not to him.  He felt attacked from so many sides, and he had nowhere to go.  No way to defend, no offensive actions, just his attackers circling in.

Izuku had only been helping on one side, because it was all he had known, all he had seen.  Katsuki may have been opening up more and more, but he was always good at hiding things. His battles were his own, even when he knew there was no reason for them to be.

He had no idea the level of his fears.  Katsuki had hidden it.  But now it was out there, now Izuku could help, whether that was an intention in his outburst or not.

Katsuki wasn't alone.  He was just too stubborn to see it.

Izuku put his arms around him and pulled him closer. Katsuki easily followed his gesture and buried his head in his neck.  He felt the moisture from his tears, but he heard nothing of it other than one hiccup.  He rubbed his back and murmured softly.

"You're right about being sick..."  Izuku put his chin on top of his head.  "But not about being a liability.  None of you are, people are just..."

Katsuki made a scoffing noise.

"We... we don't have to talk about doctors and medicine right now," Izuku assured him.  It was a subject he had tried many times to bring up, but Katsuki deflected every time.  It needed to be discussed, but now wasn't the time.

"But... you're strong, Katchan," he said. "Even if it's just from stubbornness.  But Katchan is still the toughest person I know."  He kissed the top of his head.  "And if anyone can get through this, it's you...

"Just not by yourself," Izuku said.  "Your mom just thought she was doing right by you. But think of it this way: now you have someone to talk to, someone who knows what you're going through."

Katsuki groaned.  Izuku chuckled.

"And me," he said.  "I'm here for you."

Katchan muttered something against his neck.

"What was that?"

He shook his head.

"Katchan..."  He pulled away a little as he could look him in the eyes.  "The world needs you, needs you being a hero."

Katsuki looked up at him through wet eyes.  "And when I lose it?"

"We'll get to that when we come to that bridge," he responded.  "We'll have lots of ideas and plans, and most of all, we'll get through it." He pressed their foreheads together. "Together."

"You always say that."

"I always mean it."

Katsuki rolled his eyes but smiled lightly. "Together."

Izuku smiled and kissed his nose.  Katsuki took in a deep breath, his eyes downcast.

"I'm... I'm sorry..."

Izuku raised a brow.  "For what?"

"For just...  I shouldn't have gotten so upset..."

"It's okay.  You can't always help when you—"

"Swing?"

"It's who you are, Katchan.  I don't mind it."

"Even though it's horribly inconvenient?"

"Life is inconvenient," Izuku was quick to correct.

"Don't be so cheesy."

"It's true!"

Katsuki pushed on his shoulder.  Izuku laughed and pushed back, to which Katsuki nudged him again. The pushing went back and forth and soon escalated.  Izuku pushed a little too hard, and soon he was on top of him.

Despite himself, he was soon kissing him while holding his face. Katsuki's arms were around him, and Izuku's thoughts were wandering.  For a moment, he remembered why he had sought him out in the first place, when he was giving him his phone.

Now they were alone, finally, and they could—

"Deku."

Izuku grunted when he was being pulled away. "Katchan—?"

"Not... not right..."  He sighed.  "Can you hold off or do you—?"

Izuku sighed.  He would be lying if he said he was little disappointed, but he knew there was no point if Katsuki was swinging really low.

He nodded.  "I can wait."

[emsysquared]

Hi! This is a very helpful and well-organized blog, thank you for that. I was wondering if you have any advice/resources for someone who is thinking about quitting their day job and selling at cons (and making/preparing for cons) full-time. Thank you!

Hi there! First off, look at how much money you are makingat cons. If you can’t even make back morethan your table costs I would reconsider the decision of doing artist alley full time fornow and just create/draw a lot, tweak your business and have fun until you noticeprofits increasing. But if you’re at the point where you get a predictableamount of sales and consistently command 4-digit profits, something like $1k-5k+a show on average (not just from one or two shows, ON AVERAGE), that’s definitely would be a reasonable point where you can safely consider jumpinginto doing artist alley full time. The key here is to ask yourself if theprofits you generate are enough to pay back all your AA costs (such as table +traveling), your rent, and more on top of that.

Secondly, cons are extremely volatile. Conventions are agreat way to get you and your art known out there but the environment for them haschanged since I first tabled in 2013. While big conventions have always beencompetitive to get into, even SMALL conventions have started filling up withinminutes of opening apps. There’s more independent artists nowadays trying touse AA as their primary income source and also not enough good reputable consto meet that demand. Not being able to get into one or more of your favorite cons couldmean you’re forced to find other cons to table at that may be in a differentarea and will cost you more to travel to or risk not being able to pay rent fora few months. Attendee spending can also fluctuate year to year due to variousfactors, so it is possible you may not make the same numbers returning to thesame con. It sucks knowing that, but that’s part of the business you’ll have todeal with.

Because of this, this is why I recommend you do NOT rely onconventions 100% to keep you afloat. Nearly every single artist I know who doesAA full time has multiple streams of revenue to sustain them, especially duringperiods where convention season is slow. Many artists take up onlinecommissions for clients to supplement their con income, do Patreon, sell at localconsignment shops, some even have other endeavors like teaching art classes,maintaining an online shop, freelancing art not related to AA work, etc. Even if you earn more at cons, something is better than nothing. Limiting yourself to convention-only profits is just limiting yourself and yourearnings, tbh.

This also may surprise you, but I’ve learned quite a few pplwho do art/conventions full time also a) had months to a year’s worth of moneysaved up from their previous day job beforehand to cushion them while they grewtheir business, b) lived at home with parents rent-free and debt-free c)have a significant other that was willing to support them while they pursuedart. There are artists who’ve still made it work even if they’ve had none ofthese, but I personally do not advise you to jump in if you have none of these.Do realize if you have no savings and are on your own, it’ll be stressfulbecause you have to rely on the “success” and marketability of your work, andthis will be a huge problem if your work does not appeal to a broad enough audienceor you haven’t found your market/following yet.

Always keep track of your finances and save a little eachtime in case unexpected things happen. It’s possible you may need to change your lifestyle to cut costs. Youmay be making money, but you also need to spend money to invest in all thoseartist alley tables you’re doing. Be honest with yourself how many conventionsare you capable of doing in a year, and in a row weekend after weekend? I havefriends in the AA community who do as many as 12 to 35+ shows a year around the country, and that’sa LOT of time you will have to be away from your loved ones. 

As for making&preparing stock for cons, I recommend to havea good variety on your table and start in small quantities (like 6-10different prints, with 5-10 copies each design, 3-5 if you’re unsure). Asyou do more cons, you will figure out what sells and what doesn’t, and fromthere you can better determine what to order. There are things that willmove better than others, others that barely move but may still be useful to addto your display, and others you’ll ask yourself “why are you guys buying this Iprinted this out as joke and it’s selling” and even this can vary from con to con.  While I’m constantly drafting of new artworkto work on since I table throughout the year, the bulk of my actual con prep istypically 2-4 months before a convention. I can always print last min printsthe night before a con, but with charms and other special merch, I have tofinish files early and plan weeks ahead to make sure they ship to me in time.

For additional resources, How To Be A Con Artist’s Tumblrhas a lot of good links and articles around their site for more AA advice that might pertain toyou, such as doing your taxes as a freelance artist, etc which you’ll probably will need to look into more if you do AA full time.

Ultimately, the decision is up to you and what do you value- is it important to you that you spend 100% of your time and energy all intoart? Or is having the security of a day job while you do art on the side morevaluable? Some people I know have taken YEARS before artist alley started beingprofitable for them, and there’s no shame in slowly working your way towardsthat goal or keeping your day job for the stability. And there’s also no shamein going back to a day job or taking a hiatus if things aren’t working out – atthe end of the day you gotta eat and pay your bills, and it can be hard to bein a healthy mindspace of making good art if you can’t eat. I hope this helps!

(if you have any other specific questions, feel free to sendme another ask on this account! I love discussing artist alley stuff withothers, and I’m more than happy to help to the best of my abilities and knowledge ^^)

[theshimmeringisles]

Mod Update: Patreon is LIVE!!

Hey y’all, so I’ve already posted about this on my main tumblr, so I’ll just be copying and pasting all that information here! Just to let y’all know though, voting has already been decided for the Patron funded piece of April, and it’s going to be one of @weirdlanders‘s Arsene and my Shala! It’ll be release there ONE WEEK in full resolution as a Patron exclusive, and then released to the general public at a smaller resolution!

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE PLEDGING! THANK YOU!!!!

Hey folks! So I’m sure some of you might’ve heard about the spring update to Patreon coming in May. Having found out about it and had this planned out but unpublished since about last year, I figured I’d go ahead and get this all out in public, with the very minimal chance that folks would be interested in pledging based off of how little I’ve been able to make art this year and last year. So, here’s how my Patreon is going to work: Q: Is your Patreon a paywall? A: Yes and no. Yes because Patreon will have exclusive access to unfinished sketches for the first pledge of $2.00 a month; no, because any images that are produced via voting done on Patreon for the finished piece of the month will be released one week after it’s released on Patreon. Q: Are you giving up on commissions? A: No. Absolutely not! At least, unless I meet my first goal, no. I won’t be. And even if I meet my first goal ($250 a month), I would still make my commission queue my first priority before then! I’ll likely always take commissions, but with the first goal met with Patreon and once my queue is finished, I’d be able to take much less and be more selective about what I take. Q: What kind of rewards are there? A: As stated in the first question, the first benefits at the basic pledge will be access to unfinished sketches, which will mostly be personal work, that you’ll get access to every month. The second pledge will be one sketched headshot of tier 2 patrons’s choice! These will be released in the middle of the following month! (So my sketches for March’s two patrons will be released on April 15th!) Q: Can we pledge anything higher? A: As of right now, no. I had two more tiers ($10 and $20) for more detailed rewards, a flat-color bust and a cell shaded full body respectively, but as of right now I only have time for sketches. Between work and a lot of the things that have happened in my life recently, I simply don’t have much time. That, and commissions always come first! Q: Will you be using art as your main source of income if you meet a certain goal? A: No. Simply put, that’s not a very realistic goal for me at this time. I need health insurance, and to get that I need to work a full time job at 35-40 hours a week. Currently my Patreon is something of a crowd-funded art management project; I now have an obligation to keep my skills honed and work more frequently, and I have more of a direction with the things I want to do and the ability to warm up with some of my patrons’s awesome characters! So, with all of that out of the way, here’s the link! Thanks so much to those who consider pledging, are going to pledge, or even those who feel like sharing my Patreon with their friends! (Which is just as appreciated!) www.patreon.com/Koofins www.patreon.com/Koofins www.patreon.com/Koofins

[jawritter]

Let’s Get Lost

Summary: Jensen takes you on a date to the local corn maze in lue of Halloween, and the fall season with every intention of getting lost. 

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Warnings: Agoraphilia kink (public sex kink), Smut, outdoor sex, fluf, language, unprotected sex, dry humping? Sex on a bet. That’s pretty much it I think.

Word Count: 2743

A/N: This fic was beta’d by the lovely @miss-nerd95! Thanks so much love!! I haven’t dropped a Jensen Ackles one shot in a long time, so I figured in light of Kinktober, it seemed like the thing to do. LOL. As always please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! I hope you guys enjoy this one!!

Want more? Check out my Masterlist, and if that’s not enough become a patreon, and get exclusive fics as well as make request! 

**MASTERLIST**   **BECOME A PATREON**

The night air was turning crisp as the sun sank down past the low hanging clouds, casting long shadows of the trees along the highway as you stared out of the windshield in front of you. Jensen’s free arm slung over the seat with his hand resting on your shoulder, his bowed legs that you loved so much spread in a relaxed seated position and a pair of shades resting on the bridge of his nose as he drove down the fairly empty road out of town. His fingers drum lightly on Baby’s steering wheel to the sounds of Zeppelin that filtered through the speakers. 

This was by far your most favorite place in the world to be. The front seat of Baby with Jensen’s arm caging you protectively against his side, hints of the season’s change thick in the air  which was blowing through the open windows. 

You didn’t get to do this often in Texas, where cold days even in fall were few and far in between. Jensen’s work schedule was also part of a huge problem as far as nights out alone could go. Thankfully, even though he was somewhat of a well known celebrity in Austin, people were pretty respectful, and when they saw him out they didn’t hover too much. It was a blessing in a big way, not many people in his line of work had the freedom to do things like what you were headed to do tonight together without bringing a whole security detail. 

Tonight was the night before Halloween, Jensen had wanted to go to the local corn maze in town. It was something the town did every year, and it was something that you always looked forward to. There were always hayrides, and little old classic games like horseshoes, and even an archery competition. People would come out with their kids, or just on a date like the two of you were doing now. The goal was to make it through the corn maze without getting lost… or not getting caught… depending on just what you had in mind.

“You’re quiet tonight.” Jensen observed as he pulled onto the dirt road leading to the corn maze and festivities ahead of you. 

You let your head fall on his shoulder as he circled around the open field to try and find a spot to park Baby that was out of the way. She was a good bit bigger than most of your average cars, and he cared for her just as much as Dean had. 

“Just enjoying the evening,” you tell him. Honestly he could have kept driving your around and you would have been content just to be with him. 

“Well, we’re here, so let’s get lost,” he said, pulling the ball cap from the backseat and slipping it over his hair, wiggling his eyebrows at you playfully. 

You give him a playful push on the chest in return, and laugh as his fingers slip around your waist, pulling you to him and peppering every inch of skin he could reach with little kisses.

“Jay!” you squealed, trying to wiggle your way away from his grasp as he continued his assault. “Stop!”

“Fine,” he said, releasing you with a deep chuckle. “But you better not go astray out there tonight, sweetheart. You never know what might happen in the dark.” 

The mischievous, pantymelting smirk that he gave you let you know exactly what he had planned by coming out here tonight and you weren’t surprised, but you weren’t gonna give in that easy, at least while you were still in the car.

“Jensen,” you hiss as the pair of you get out of the car, and start making your way towards the that was forming at the mouth of the corn maze where people were getting their bracelets stamped and paying the admission fee. “We are NOT doing that here. There are too many people and we can get caught!” 

“That’s all part of the fun, baby girl,” he said, giving you a wink and stepping up in front of the small table to pay for your admission. 

You narrowed your eyes as the back of his head as he paid the lady at the table, and was handed two red paper-bracelets. 

Jensen was a country boy through and through, all those years in California had done nothing to take the Texas out of the man. He was a gentleman, and a total sweetheart. He’d give the shirt off of his back if someone needed it more than him, and he had the most electric and admirable personality you had ever saw in an individual. The one thing that you never expected to discover when you first started dating was his public sex kink.

You were pretty sure it had everything to do with the thrill of almost being caught. You discovered it when he literally fucked you in the crowd at a slipknot concert. Thankfully the flashing lights and the dark arena made it hard for the crowd to see anything but the stage, and you got out of that without getting caught. 

And then there was the time the two of you did it in the girls bathroom at Jared’s bar, and even in the back of the movie theater three weeks ago. 

He was also the kind of guy that liked to take you home and make love with you where no one was watching. Those were when the sweet, intimate moments happened, the ones that let you know just how much he loved you, but this little kink of his was just for additional fun, and how could you deny him that?

“Okay everybody! Here are the rules!” a heavy sat man yelled at the top of the line, wearing overalls, a straw hat, and looking every bit like something that rolled out of a redneck comedy. 

“No running, no booze, no wandering off of the trail, no trying to sneak into the shake in the middle of the corn maze. If anyone is caught doing any of these things you will be asked to leave! Signs are set up through the maze to let you know where you are, and there are food trucks and games set up on the other side of the corn maze! You guys have a great time!” 

With that he threw open the ropes that were held up by two pools at the top of the maze, and the line started to move. Jensen’s hand laced with yours as people broke off in groups in the maze, looking around he took the path that seemed to have less people going in that direction, purposely taking the wrong way. A mischievous smirk that was put there by Satan himself to tempt any woman who saw it plastered all over his face. 

“Jensen,” you said, giving him a playful shove as the two of you made your way deeper into the corn maze. “I know what you’re up to mister.” 

“I am the poster child of innocence, sweetheart, you misjudge me,” he said in mock offense. 

Standing up on his tiptoes Jensen got a good look at his surroundings. Even though the corn was way over your head, Jensen had a clear shot of the field around him if he stretched far enough. Damn him and those long bowed legs. 

You rolled your eyes dramatically, and shook your head. Knowing that whatever Jensen Ackles wanted, he got, not that you were going to complain - much, and you could already see the well-defined bulge forming in the crotch of his dark-blue jeans that left little to the imagination as it was. 

“Oh you're  innocent? Yeah, then I must be Virgin Mary.”

Narrowed green eyes moved around to meet your gaze as straight, white teeth sank into his lower lip, the former shamelessly roaming your body in an almost predatory way that made you shiver. 

“Oh baby, you ain’t no virgin. I made sure of that.”

You swatted his chest when he winked and walked ahead of him further up the trail, the sun sinking lower as the two of you made your way deeper into the maze. 

“I’ll tell you what,” Jensen said, grabbing your waist, and pulling you close to his chest just in case listening ears were close by he couldn’t see. “You take the lead and if we end up at the end of the corn maze, we can go home and I'll have my way with you there, but if we get lost on a dead end and I win… I get to have my way with you right here.”

It was your turn to narrow your gaze at him as the excitement danced behind those forest green orbs that were staring down into your own. The excitement was almost contagious as it  radiated off him.

“You already know we’re lost, you can stretch to see over the corn,” you tell him accusingly. 

“Actually, we’re so deep in here that I can’t see any way out, and it’s getting dark,” he said, procuring two small flashlights out of his back pocket that you didn’t even know he had stuck there. “So it’s fair game, unless you're too chicken about getting caught if you lose.”

If there’s one thing you weren’t, it was a coward. Now you couldn’t back down from the challenge and he knew it. 

“Fine, I accept,” you tell him, poking him in the chest and watching as a wicked smile spread across those lips that were just daring you to kiss them. “But if I win I also want to go on a hayride before we leave.” 

You knew Jensen would want to get out of here as soon as you hit the exit if you won, his patience to get your pants off would be worn almost completely thin at that point and you wanted to drag out this victory for as long as you could.

“Lead the way, Y/N/N,” he said, giving you yet another smirk that made your knees weak. If you weren’t trying to make it at least a little hard for him you’d probably have given in already. He’d been in the mood all day, but where was the fun in that?

You thought you were making headway, you thought you were actually getting out, until you rounded the corner and found yourself standing in front of that damn shed they were talking about, and a sign that said to turn around and follow the signs for the exit.

“Dammit!” Stamping your foot you turned to see a very cocky Jensen, who was leaning against the sign biting his lip as if he had every right to stand there looking like the cat that caught the mouse. 

“Looks like I won, baby girl, but I have to say, if you were going to lose, wasn't this a good place to do it?”

Pushing himself off the sign he was leaning against, Jensen stalked towards you with an almost predatory stance, closing the distance between the two of you in just two short strides. His lips collided with yours as he backed the two of you to the little shack, not stopping until you hit the wall, your flashlights long forgotten on the ground as his body dominated your own. 

Your hands twisted in his hair, his ball cap on the ground next to your feet as he kicked your feet apart and nibbled on your lower lip, pressing his clothed length against your center. You gasped as his fingers started to make their way to the button on your jeans as he grinded himself down against you, creating a delicious friction that only got better as he harshly shoved your pants from your hips and kicked them out of the way before resuming his teasing. 

“Jensen,” you gasp as he increased the pressure of each thrust of his hips, the denim of his pants moving the thong that you were wearing against your swollen clit in a way that already had you panting. “We’re going to get caught, they said to stay out of this place.”

“We’re not in it, we’re outside of it, and if you can’t keep quiet baby girl your gonna be pretty embarrassed when they find us here,” he said, his teeth scraping the shell of your ear as his fingers wind their way around your legs and hoist you up to put even more pressure on your center.

It was all you could do not to make any sound, your legs already shaking as he continued to drive you crazy, and he hadn’t even pulled his dick out from his pants yet. 

“Come on baby, let go, all you gotta do is come, and then I’m gonna fill you up right here, you want that don’t you? Want me to fuck you right out here in the open like this, where anyone can see us, see who you belong too. Don’t you baby girl?”

You nodded furiously as he quickened his pace. He was pressing against you just right as he continued to drive you crazy. 

“Then let go, baby.”

His teeth sank down on your pulse point, and that was all it took. Your orgams hit you like a wave, your walls clenched around nothing as he slowed down his ministrations. When you finally stopped shaking Jensen pressed his weight against you to hold you up and freed his cock from his confines, moving your ruined thong out of the way and shoving inside of you with ease, your walls tightening around him as soon as he was fully seated and both of you let out a groan as he stretched you. 

“Fuck, so fucking wet, Y/N. Gotta keep quiet baby girl, or this party ends before it can get started.”  

 You nod at him and he slowly starts to pull out before slamming his hips back into yours, his hand slips between your body and rubbing harsh circles on your clit.

You held a scream in as Jensen’s cock slammed into you with mapped out accuracy, hitting that spot deep inside of you only he seemed to be able to find. Low grunts and breaths mingled as he kissed you in order to swallow the sounds you were making, your body already barreling towards its end as your walls fluttered around him. 

“God, I need to feel you sweetheart, let go,” he said with a strained voice, as his own pace started to falter and your walls squeezed him as your orgasm hit you like a freight train. 

Two more thrusts and he stilled inside of you, filling you up with hot ropes of cum as his body twitched and he whined into your neck. Aftershocks of your release still rocked your body as you ran your hands through his hair, waiting for him to come down from his high. 

“Fuck, I needed that,” Jensen said, his breath fogging around the two of you in pants as he slowly removed his now softening length from you, and helped you stand on shaking legs. “You okay, baby?”

Nodding at him, you reached for your pants, but he was faster, helping you step into them before zipping his own, his lips finding yours in a much slower, softer kiss. 

“Okay, we need to get out of here, it’s getting cold,” you tell him as he laced his fingers with yours, and led you toward the exit, stopping to shrug out of his denim shirt, which left him in his fitted black tee and handed it to you to put on. 

“Okay, but first that hayride you wanted, and maybe a funnel cake,” he said, kissing your entwined hands as he led you towards the end of the very eventful corn maze. 

"You really want to go on a hayride with me?" you asked him hopefully.

"Of course I do! Besides, we can always get lost again on the way back to the car."

"You're terrible, you know that," you rolled your eyes, looking up at him as you reached the exit of the corn maze. The sound of kids running and music playing invaded your little happy bubble you'd been surrounded in as you made your way back to reality. 

"Yeah I know, but you love me anyway."

And you could honestly say that you, with everything in you, loved that man for all he was.

Forever tags: @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @hayleeharling​ @flamencodiva​ @coldmuffinbanditshoe​ @bxbyizzy​ @dirty-pan-goblin​ @itmejado​ @supernatural3002​ @teresa-67​ @thoughts-and-funnies​ @deanwanddamons​ @rvgrsbrns​ @bi-danvers0​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @i-love-superhero​ @akshi8278​ @lyss-dw79​ @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @defenderrosetyler​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @thecreatiivecorner​  @aflamboyanceofgays @vicmc624​ @busy-bee-angel-misska​ @justanotherwinchester​ @brilovesdeanwinchester​ @idksupernatural​ @lyarr24 @amandamdiehl​ @love-jackles-37-blog​ @miraclesoflove​ @Waywardsistershy @emoryhemsworth​ @dean-winchesters-gardian-angel​ @softsebastian​ @tatted-trina6​

[paulsolorzano]

12.31.18

Last day of the year. I’ll be working like an asshole. I need to innovate my way out of this. 

How long have I been saying that? 

I found some old goal sheets going through stuff yesterday: 

“Piano virtuoso” - I don’t even have a keyboard in the house to mess with. Haven’t played on anything since I was in Alaska. 

“Published writer” - ain’t done shit with that. Although I do love writing and of course it’s always on the list. Been working on lyrics one line at a time haha

So, it got me depressed to look at these things. But goddamn if it doesn’t have me inspired also. 

I hate being one of those ‘new year new me’ people but I just want to use the new year as a springboard to gain some momentum on what I already have going. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Sufjan Stevens - come on feel the Illinoise

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Coffee 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.30.18

The pen has ahold of me. Before work, after work, and sometimes during work toward the end of the evening. I reckon I’m a certified weed head currently. 

What i did toward the business today:

Worked on the spam solicitation 

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Worked on the spam solicitation 

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fugazi - 13 songs 

Kate Bush - the sensual world 

Roots Manuva - slime and reason 

Ozma - spending time on the borderline 

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Small black - best blues

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“Singing is the same as talking; it’s just moving your voice up and down” - Tina Turner from STK 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.29.18

Bagged up some more random figs. I should get a booth going somewhere at this point. I have all these little lunchboxes filled with random shit I’ve accumulated. I’ll have to get little stickers for pricing.   

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Pentimento - s/t

Hot rod circuit - sorry about tomorrow 

Hot rod circuit - if I knew what I knew then 

Schatzi - death of the alphabet 

Roots Manuva - run come save me

Roots Manuva - awfully deep

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“If you sniff magic marker, your mind grows darker” - Schatzi 

“Waiting for pain to not be a constant” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.28.18

Bagged up some older Dragon Ball Z figs. Chilling at the space. 

Officially done 30lbs according to the scale this morning. 185 down from 215. All Keto diet. 180 will be here soon. And then... the 170s? Shit I don’t wanna get ahead of myself. Let’s get to 180 first. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Tiny moving parts - this couch is long & full of friendship 

Mitski - puberty 2

Hum - downward is heavenward

Sunny day real estate - diary

The Beatles - abbey road (just the b side)

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Dunkin donuts coffee  

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“When you’re old you’re just bummed that you’ll never be happy enough” - Jeff Rosenstock 

“I spent a long time down in the basement, instead of rolling with the riffraff” - PUP 

“Crack baby you don’t know what you want

But you know that you had it once 

And you know that you want it back” - Mitski 

“The way your headstone shines, I only wish that it was mine” - HUM

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.27.18

I’ve got some pain in my neck for the last two or probably three days. Probably from sleeping in a weird bed for the last few nights, maybe the stress from seeing Saul again (whether I relapse it or not?), and also from Axxxxx ending things again due to my past transgressions (this time involving her cousin; remind me to tell you the story)

I’ve been sleeping in weird beds for quite some time now. 

When will I feel at ease? 

When will I feel at home?

My brother and Saul have their homes. They’ve had that base for years. I’ve always been moving, albeit in Orlando, every couple of years. 

I’ve had a storage space in the same building since January 2012. So this place is basically my home haha. Also all my shit is here. So yes. 

My life in a cube. 

—-

Smoked flower before leaving the house today. Been on the pen the last few hours at my storage space. 

—-

I’m craving pizza. I haven’t really had a craving since I’ve started this diet, I think I’m just getting bored with eating the same shit. So it might be time to start improvising. 

I haven’t really had a taste for the green drinks either. Also I haven’t been to Walmart, and something keeps keeping me from going there.

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Falling in reverse - the drug in me is you

The Beatles - let it be

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

National skyline - live letter for the disenchantmented

Antarctigo Vespucci - love in the time of email 

Weezer - make believe 

Gungrave ost 

Trigun ost second donut happy pack 

Margot & the nuclear so and so’s - the dust of retreat 

Kanye west - the life of Pablo 

Neutral milk hotel - in the aeroplane over the sea

Mitski - puberty 2 

Mitski - Be the cowboy

Watching:

Star Wars episode VI

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Aleppin Sane from a goddam fye for 11.fucking99 after discount! Wat!

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I just wanna kiss your lips; the ones between your hips” - falling in reverse 

“I got so tired of discussing my future, I started avoiding the people I love” Jeff Rosenstock 

“My heart’s not yours just because you need it” - Antarctigo Vespucci 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.26.18

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Saul’s house day 2. I stayed Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day night there. First time I’ve been back there since I moved out there 

Listening to:

Macross 82-99

Aloha 

21 savage 

Reggie and the full effect 

The pixies 

Jeff Rosenstock 

Hiromi

Wednesday Campanella

The never ending 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

La Granja, with Saul Mayela and Danielito. First time I’d been there. It was pretty tasty. I wish I weren’t on a diet as I had to pass up rice and beans and maduros and yucca. I actually had a couple bites of the yucca but nothing crazy. 

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

M.a.s.k action figures off eBay 

Packages received: 

Hello kitty loot crate 

Robotech action figure

Buffy the vampire slayer ReAction figures: Spike, Buffy Summers

The Terminator ReAction figure: T-800

Assorted Kenner Ghostbusters action figures 

Jermaine Rogers Choices vinyl toy

Assorted Keith P Rein prints from his Patreon 

 eBay obsessions: 

Action figures, Kenner and Star Wars 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.25.18

Long fucking double at work (STK for reminder purposes)

Highlights: 

shitty amateur tables

A lady at my table cried because she was like the fifth wheel with family members. Crying about being 38 and single. And naturally I offered my services and got her phone number so we are probably gonna link up before she leaves

—-

Also, once again Axxxxx hates me. It sucks because things were going really nicely. She found out that I was messaging her cousin Naomi. She found this out from her cousin Naomi. I’ll go into more detail later  

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“My body’s built for bad behavior” Reggie and the full effect 

“You smell bullshit from twenty paces” Reggie and the full effect 

“She was everything, and now everything’s gone” Reggie and the full effect 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

11.24.18

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Wednesday Campenella - Galapagos

Van Halen - jump, from 1984

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

Wheat grass juice powder 

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.23.18

I may have to listen to Jimmy Eat World clarity because of today’s date. Also, Travis Schmeisser’s bday is today. 

—

Spent some time at the space. Took pics of the rest of the records I found at the vinyl garage sale at BAMF 

Been trying to hang with my girl Genesis the whole weekend. She was gonna stay last night but didn’t. Tonite is also supposed to happen, but now I’m gonna meet up with Axxxxx as, she always takes precedence haha. And she’ll be done early because she has to wake up early. 

And Genesis is flaky, but she seems to want to.  

—-

Hung out with Axxxxx fur a good chunk of time. We went to our usual rounds: goodwill, Walmart, Ross, DD, Plato’s closet. We had some good laughs and she even touched me when joking. She hasn’t really been like that since we started hanging again. 

I wonder what it means. Is she opening back up to me? Shall we continue down this road? 

She wants to go to Disney on Wednesday or Thursday when I’m off. I’m down always to spend some time with her.

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jimmy Eat World - Clarity

The pixies - surfer Rosa 

Frank n dank - 48 hours 

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Watching:

DaThings1 YouTube poops

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Ghostbusters Kenner vintage action figures 

Star Wars Power if the force (potf) card backs 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“What comes easy never stays” - your new aesthetic by Jimmy Eat World 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.22.18

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

BAMF - my toy store that I recently discovered; went there today because they were having a vinyl record garage sale. 

Listening to:

Sense Field - Tonite and Forever

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

PUP - the dream Is over

Deadmau5 - random album title 

NOFX - punk in drublic

Pocahontas soundtrack  

Giorgio Moroder - metropolis soundtrack 

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Bjork - telegram 

Slow dancing society - my blue heaven

Watching:

DaThings1 YouTube poops

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Vinyl record find from BAMF vinyl garage sale

J Dilla / Frank n dank - 48 hours instrumentals

Piebald - accidental gentleman

Piebald - all eyes all ears all the time 

Beatles - white album early 70s apple press 

Giorgio Moroder - Metropolis soundtrack

An assortment of toys including a broken Nakanari Spiki

Ghostbusters vintage Kenner figures 

Vintage Robotech Macross figure 

Star Wars hologram Darth Vader figure

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“What I love most about rivers is, you can’t step in the same river twice, the waters always changing always flowing” - just around the river bend from Pocahontas 

“Cause i’m a weed connoisseur, smoke the weed du jour, you might yak up a lung  if the weed is pure” - Frank n Dank

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.21.18

Traffic. Fuck the traffic. 

I turned in the Altima today. I’m going to use Tina Watkins’ car until she comes back from out of town. Which will be Jan 2 I believe. I miss the car. It was nice. Pretty much made it my own for the time I had it. Probably like two months. 

Work was slow. 

This Walmart is damn full of people. They actually have multiple lanes open. This is at 12 am mind you. 

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.20.18

The rental car has been draining my funds; Tina Watkins is out of town for a couple weeks and left her car, so I just worked out a deal with her to use the car until then. 

Your boy needs to get a vehicle. I’m planning on getting one with my income tax return for sure. 

—-

“The death of Santiago”

My uncle died today. Saul’s brother.  

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.19.18

Waiting in line at my P.O. Box post office. Apparently I have a windfall of packages being held back there. Which isn’t too uncommon but it says there’s something too big for the box. Which everything is too big for the box, that’s why they have the lockers. 

This is amateur month at the postal service for sure. Christmas and the holidays and all that. People packing things while they’re IN LINE. Shit is blasphemy haha. People grabbing random tape and using it putting it back. 

I have to pee. Should’ve gone before getting in this line. 

Work later. I’ve had a few days off and I don’t particularly want to get back in the groove, but your boy needs monies.  

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Hobo Johnson - the rise of hobo Johnson 

Some Stevie wonder / Beethoven mashup YouTube vid Frank sent me

Alton Ellis & the flames - mr. soul of Jamaica 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.18.18

My sister sent me a snap asking when I was coming to Bradenton for Christmas. I have to respond. 

She’s going through a divorce. Well she’s at the end of it. She’s ok, so no worries. She didn’t want to get married in the first place. 

I just texted her ex husband Ryan. I’ve always liked the kid. 

Long story short the divorce is probably gonna work out for my mother in terms of her health because now the three grandchildren won’t be there half the week. 

Ryan wrote back. He’s ok, and appreciative I wrote. Well good. 

—

So, once again the universe works in interesting ways. I decided to take the scenic route to my space from my P.O. Box; I wanted to drive by where the old studio apartment I used to live (c. 2004) in was. It’s since become a 4 unit rental property. But I wanted to drive by it for the nostalgia. 

So I get to where it is, and one house over, on the corner house, I see the Sushi and Seoul on a Roll sushi truck parked in the driveway. 

This truck is own by one Alfred Ruiz, also known to me and Aaron Tobin as our ex best friend and one time bandmate. 

A rush of blood came over me. Perpetuated by the fact that as I drove by, Al himself walked out of the house and popped into the truck, presumable with some provisions in tow under his arm. 

I drove on by. 

Halfway up the road I said to myself, fuck it, I’m going to go back and say hey to him. So I threw the Altima in reverse and rolled back. 

The was still in the truck so I honked twice and came the popped out. 

I’ll say that he and I haven’t spoken in years. Properly anyway. 

So I basically made my peace with him. I’ll have to tell you the backstory at some point. I’ll add it to the list. 

I told him if the ever wanted to open a dialog that I as open to it. 

I know I really shocked the shit out of him showing up randomly. 

Sorry to have sprung that on him but damn, to randomly drive by a place, and then for a landmark (the food truck) to say hey, here’s your boy occupying the same space you have earlier in time, and further, for him to be walking out as I was drying by… I had to stop. I felt compelled. 

—

And I spoke to Aaron Tobin today. He hit me up on the phone earlier and we chatted, but the got interrupted by a phone call. I called back but no answer. I told him I was just gonna come over if the kept acting like this, and I did. 

Showed up to the house and he was just getting out of the shower. I chatted with his mom for awhile, let her know I’m thinking about cutting my hair, and i’ll have to get back to her on a day I’m free. 

So we went on our normal rounds: Starbucks, and Walmart. I was messaging with Axxxxx all the while, and it was at this point that she took the time to mention that I drink too much coffee. I can easily confirm that, especially the last two days where I havent been eating much of anything until the later hours in the day, and as sci have been feeling the effects of too much caffeine on an empty stomach. it just gives me an all over general icky feeling.

So Tobin. he’s been seeing a girl, as it turns out. Now he mentioned this a few weeks back, that he was going on a date with someone. This is still the same someone. Ashley is her name. 

Story here is that it seems to have been little hot and heavy between them, which I can support this for him because its been a hot minute since he’s had some nice chemistry with a girl.  

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Hard Girls - floating now 

Jay Z - 4:44

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Macross new action figure from GameStop. Togo. Was with me

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“What’s the point of having a voice when it gets sick inside your throat?” - Jeff Rosenstock

“I’m a Dutch landscape painter painting pictures of the hillside in the eighteenth century where I was wishing I was living so I wouldn’t have to face all of the things I’m trying to ruin” - Katie Ellen 

Quote of the day: 

“Heyy hope the grind isn’t brutal. Hope the workers aren’t annoying or dramatic. Hope you’re not in the truck. And I hope that they started allowing headphones so you can tune out the world while you’re there” - me

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.17.18

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

The world is a beautiful place & I am no longer afraid to die - harmlessness

American Football - lp2

Lifted bells - minor tantrums 

Blue oyster cult - Spectres 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Born as a data mine for targeted marketing, and no one will listen up until you become a hashtag or a meme” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.16.18

Interesting day. Currently at a Christmas get together at this girl I’ve been mentioning Sxxxxxxxx house. 

—

Before that I was with Axxxxx. She hit me up today while she was at work and wanted to hang afterward. She was initially going to get food with her friends from work or some other, but she ended up linking up with me directly after work to get food. She doesn’t have to put on a game face she said, or something along that line. 

She and I chatted. We met at a steak and shake off Semoran and then went to a Chinese buffet which was horrible, we both agreed on that. 

We chatted and smoked in my car afterward. She doesn’t know what to make of her feelings. I can respect that. We have a history and while she says she currently hates me, we seem to be getting along when we do meet up. 

—-

5:30 am and driving home from Winter Garden to Altamonte Springs. I ended up getting Starbucks because it was so damn late/early that they’re open. Made it all the way home from Winter Garden, late as shit. 

6:40 am and I have FFXIV up and running. 

Also Tina is gone as of today, out of town to Ohio until a couple weeks go by. 

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Sxxxxxxxx house for a Christmas get together. 

Listening to:

National Skyline - love letters for the disenchanted

Hum - downwards heavenward

Eagle Scout - new hands 

Black belt Eagle Scout - mother of my children 

Kanye west - the life of Pablo 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Vintage star wars figures:

Leia

Logray 

Teebo

ReAction Buffy the vampire slayer toys 

Breaking bad Walter white figure 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.15.18

Finally got down to 189 lbs! This is a milestone getting down into the 180s. Brilliant. Nice progress son. 

—-

Remind me to tell you about what Sxxxxxxxx wants to do with her remains. 

Cremated 

Ashes imbued into art to be viewed by people on lsd/shrooms etc

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I’m like a magnet pulling the storm,

Where can I move when it always finds me?” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.14.18 

Randomly encountered Sxxxxxxxx from work over in my current hood, Altamonte. She was at some Christmas party as a plus one. She was having a great time as indicated by her snaps, until she wasn’t. 

And then she called me. 

Her tears spilled into my lap through her phone. She went in to her woes. 

To be continued mañana. Your boy is falling asleep.  

Remind me to tell you about the dope sick lady and Sxxxxxxxx dying wishes. 

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Action figures 

Lyric of the day:

“Hope is a scheme” - Jeff Rosenstock 

“As much as I definitely enjoy solitudes, I wouldn’t perhaps mind spending a little time with you” - Bjork 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.13.18

So Axxxxx messaged me earlier in the afternoon, chatting about this and that. She had been crying and hysterical about the loss of our child (refer to the Alaska diary)

Long story short we are now meeting for a late lunch at her behest. Again I don’t know what to expect. She says she hates me but I feel like she says it to try and remind herself that she does. But I don’t think she has it in her heart to harbor such feelings, not on any permanent basis. 

I mean listen, the last time she wrote me and we met, she said she was tired of having the hate. 

—

So we hung out for a good seven hours. 

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“ I haven’t felt quite like myself, for months on end, I spend more nights on the floor than in my own bed. And I never see my family or friends anymore,  and I write more apologies than metaphors” - PUP 

“You know I’ve never been good at anything, except for fucking Up and ruining everything” - PUP 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.12.18

Met with frank yesterday. Always a good chat. He is coming around finally to the idea of getting me caught up with music. Also we are going to work on him getting more success with Tokyo Elvis. Meaning, were gonna work on the marketing aspect etc. 

—

On a wild goose chase to get weed for Tina and Gxxxxx.  And some for myself because why not I guess. Even tho I like wax and oil. 

So the short story on my mother have g a heart attack is that it was very mild. She thought that she was having pain related to a gallbladder issue she was having. 

I don’t want to say that our sister Jessica was a contributing factor to our mothers deteriorating health but, it’s got to be. 

My mother worries about my sister because she’s burned all bridges and lives on the streets mostly. 

—-

I need to get back on grinding. The somm course took up my time and energy this past month. I was a little anxious but overcame. 

Now I need to focus 

—

I think your body knows when you like someone when your dick gets hard while you’re on the phone with em. 

Befriended a kid at a smoke shop, whilst buying a grinder. It came up that I worked at STK and the was like, ‘you must know Yaqeen’ and I just had a smile come over me. 

That mofo knows everyone. 

To discuss still: 

Mother had a heart attack

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Getting back into FFXIV 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

American Football - LP3 pre release track

American Football - LP2

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

PUP - PUP 

ALL - problematic 

Voodoo glow skulls - symbolic

Tash Sultana  - notion 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV baby

Purchases:

An ounce of weed for $180, to be divided up amongst me and Tina and Gxxxxx 

A legit pink grinder that Axxxxx would be proud and jealous of 

Good Fuck pre order (a Tim Kinsella project)

Robotech Macross loose figure 

Nightmare before Christmas pumpkin king figure 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I live in a two way mirror, I am backwards, you are forward” - birthmark 

“And I dreamt of you in Montreal, in places I’ve never been before” - PUP 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.11.18

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

American Football LP3 records and tape and shirt

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Name one genius that ain’t crazy” - Kanye 

“Steve Jobs mixed with Steve Austin” - Kanye 

“Crazy were the words that scribbled out your mouth” - coheed and Cambria 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.10.18

Coffee. Traffic. Dying to get my weight down in the 180’s. Old woman liberally using the word ‘fuck’ in my storage space. 

—

This guy at the outback bar said said to the woman bartender  ‘whenever you get a dull moment I’ll take the check’; I enjoyed that phrase. 

—

Just chipped off part of what I believe (and hope) is my back right bottom wood tooth. Around 7:15 pm at the Outback Steakhouse by the Orlando airport. Eating a wedge salad. Must’ve been a piece of bacon. 

—

And the night continues to get interesting. Just hung with Gxxxxx for a bit... and I must say it was an interesting turn of events. 

How about the bullet points:

She’s done with her husband (honestly the short story is she done been done)

She wants to bang me

We are going to meet tomorrow 

I was bringing her some weed earlier tonite and she comes out and grabs me and kisses me on the mouth. We go to the car (my rented Nissan Altima) and chat. She catches me up on the whole thing. The short story here is that right before she got cancer (she’s done with it now, all healed up) she was on her way out of the relationship anyway. She told me that as it was happening. 

She is apparently really fucking into me. Now she and I have always had more than just friendship between us. And it’s pretty much been understood that we were going to bang at some point. 

That being said it’s going on ten years. 

This is going to be interesting how this plays out. She wants to steal me away from Tina as a roommate, which I am on board with. 

To discuss still: 

Mother had a heart attack

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Chris Farren - can’t die 

Small brown bike - fell & found 

Small brown bike - the river bed

Kanye West - the life of Pablo 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

Wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Ribeye from outback steakhouse. Lots of meat this week haha. Wedge salad extra crumbles and dressing. 

Clear American ice cherry lemonade 

Playing:

Purchases:

ReAction toys: 

Predator

Terminator 2 John Connor

Terminator 2 t-800

Terminator 2 t-1000

Firefly: Zoe, Jayne, kaylee 

Firefly Washburn

Robotech Dana sterling action figure 

Edward Scissorhands weird Japanese figure, Hobby Base Yellow Submarine toy company 

Charles Band’s puppet master ‘blade’ toy. Another weird company called Full Moon collectibles 

Also, I didn’t really ‘purchase’ it, but I got a iPhone XR on lease with option to buy. Upgradable any time I want. Got the red one. 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Action figures 

Lyric of the day:

“ you are the ocean, I am the sea; what drowns in you will float in me” Small Brown Bike

“I know there’s bitches you wish you could unfollow,

I know there’s niggas you wish you could unswallow” - Kanye 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.09.18

Starbucks. Ribeyes. Storage space. Habits. 

Sorting through the space a little. I need to make some room for the giant Game Cube display my brother  is bringing up 

To discuss still: 

Mother had a heart attack

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Gwen Stefani - love angel music baby 

Jeff Rosenstock - I look like shit 

My chill mix

Fake problems - real ghosts caught on tape 

Antarctigo Vespucci - soulmate stuff 

Antarctigo Vespucci - love in the time of email 

Kanye west - life of Pablo 

Kanye west - graduation 

Watching:

Somm on Netflix 

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot

Wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Outback ribeye and wedge salad and green beans 

Playing:

Purchases:

Final Fantasy crystal chronicles, Japanese version for Game Cube 

Squid head - vintage Star Wars

Packages received: 

No post on Sunday 

But I opened these:

Devil boy by Iconoclast

 eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

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