#my fragile mental health would be grateful

[seance]

WHO AM I TO YOU? I AM THE ANTICHRIST TO YOU.

[a-pups-writing]

Hi beautifullll💋🩷 got super excited when I saw ur ok with writing suicide, so can I ask for twst headcanons with first years + riddle when they learn that reader(gn) had a failed suicide attempt at ramshackle? Platonic or romantic, though I don't think it would matter much in this particular scenario. Thanks in advance, love ur writing💖

A/N; love this, and thank you for the kind words dear pink princess. No specification on what kind of suicide, so I'm going with an OD (overdose) hope that's okay. Also I have faves, I think its noticeable..

P.S.: if you ever deal with suicidal thoughts, you can and deserve to get help! Either from friends or a specialist, as someone who has the same problems it may feel like there isn't another out but there is. Life can be worth living. <3

CW; GN!reader, angst/fluff, suicide/mental health themes, some Sanders vibes(??)

Chars.; Riddle Rosehearts, Ace Trappola/Deuce (??), Epel Felmier, Jack Howl

Riddle Rosehearts; Romantic

first thinks its a joke, albeit not a very funny one, when he's told you're in the infirmary from an apparent overdose. He even collars those who told him, unable to believe such lies and rumors.

still, he goes to the infirmary, just to see if there's any proof of you..having done something, maybe you just hurt yourself accidentally- his heart almost stops when he sees you lying there, on an IV drop.

you just look so frail on that moment, pale skin and shaky breaths - he's grateful for the heart monitor standing besides you, showing him your heartbeat.

he cries, while holding your hand and just waiting for you to wake up and come back to him. He's gonna have to be forced to leave (Trey comes to get him, only able to convince him with tarts and promises of returning the next day, he even leaves one of those tarts for you..just in case you wake up.)

during classes/when he's not with you he's more irritable then normal and he sometimes reverts back into his snappy behavior - he just worries so much, and everyone seems to be breaking more rules.

as soon as you wake up he's by your side, holding your hand while his own is shaking in pure happiness. He might even cry again, tho he tries not to let you see that part of him.

definitely gets you help as soon as you're discharged, you can talk to him (or Trey) but he'll also search for an actual therapist/psychiatrist.

depending on the problem he'll do his best to help you, like studying with you, talking to those who were rude, etc.

he starts treating you more carefully, not that he really means to but you just got so much more fragile in his eyes.

Ace/Deuce; Platonic

pure unfiltered panic and chaos. Ace slaps Deuce to get him to work again, and then Deuce has to slap Ace to do it in return.

they run to the infirmary, almost getting kicked out my one of the medics, but they're allowed to stay..as long as they don't start to make loud noises again or something similar.

Ace jut stares at you while Deuce actually started to shed a few tears - seeing you so lifeless is new, definitely blame themselves for not having noticed it earlier and thinking they're bad friends because of it.

they'll be more down in general/less energetic, and mostly try to stay by your side (tho it can get to Mich for Deuce, he just can't take seeing you like that.)

both start to ask you questions the moment you wake up, the most prominent one; WHY?! Was it them? Someone else?-

they only calm down after a little while, but don't worry it'll happen..soon..maybe..

as soon as you get discharged try to help you with everything, chores, homework, people. It'll get overwhelming, and you'll have to tell them to calm down, after a few times they lay off a little.

Epel Felmier; ?

what?..his little apple? Doing something like that? He can't believe it, but runs out of the lesson as soon as he caught wind of the rumor. (Much to Vil's dismay)

cries a little when he sees you, but does his best to hold it back for his own sake.

starts wondering why you did it, is it because of him? Is he not strong/manly enough? Was he to weak for you to feel comfortable coming to him? He just becomes an insecure mess.

looses some of his spark, and even while Rook tries to cheer him up it doesn't help. Even Vil lays off a little during that time, stress causes wrinkles after all.

as soon as he sees you awake its like a dam breaks and he can't stop crying and hugging you.

he's definitely the type to demand answers. He wants them, to help you, and he wants them now!

it'll take some talking to get the point of mental health across, how its not just something that can be put aside. But he'll listen and do his best to learn.

asks you how you're doing everyday, and might even ask Rook to look after you when he gets worried..just for your safety of course.

Jack Howl; platonic, kinda sire/cub (y'all want an romantic version?)

wolf boy is worried about his little cub, he believes it when he hears it and mentally prepares for the worst while jogging to the infirmary.

is calm..on the outside, the only tell is his tail being down and his ears flat against his head. On the inside he's a mess, thinking of what could have prevented this and how he can help you when you wake up.

stays mostly by your side, and gets more aggressive when he can't - actually growled at Leona when the man pissed him off, he's just constantly stressed and hoping you wake up - takes a toll on him.

sees you as soon as you wake up, he might not have a smile on but his tail sags and starts to wag quite a bit. He might even hugs you, but would mostly likely wait for you to open your arms/ask him.

much more protective of you, talks with you once a day about your mental health and even gets you a support plush. Its a little wolf, to help you in times of need.

Sebek; so sorry for the Sebek fans, I've never written for him before and am scared of just writing something completely OOC (out of character), I'm still practising how's to write him and until I feel confident enough I won't. I ask for your understanding.

[pupgrltc]

every time my lover calls, me a sweet little thing, i think it fixes me a little bit more. Sometimes when I'm sad, like now, I feel like a such a fragile little thing. Wounded by society, hurt and limping along, just trying to survive. Like one more hardship and ill shatter. It really feels like she took me in and is oh so gently nurturing me back to health, like I'm discovering who I'm supposed to be through her and it makes me so incredibly grateful to have her in my life. If never met her I legitimately would probably still be boymoding, have no connection to community and struggling with mental heath issues i didn't understand and couldn't get help for because i didn't even know the words to express what i was going through. she saved me from that and i don't know how I'm ever going to repay her

[breakaway71]

I got spoiled for 8x06 which would normally piss me off, but wow am I grateful I know not to bother watching in the morning, because my mental health is way too fragile to take that hit right now. What. The. Fuck.

[kelzthalassunwhisper]

If you were offered the position of Matriarch, would you take it?

The Patriarch's death happened so quickly.

There were no symptoms or signs to the illness that consumed him. The healers suspected it derived from his elongated period of self-isolation and grief. Others suspected it was foul play - stating that he was otherwise in good health to carry on. Each and every scenario was whispered like a line of rumors or gossip, but it didn't change the reality for those who were surviving members of the House.

Haldir had pulled both Allasticus and Kelz'thalas aside to discuss the matters in which needed tending to first.

"It is with a heavy heart that I cannot avail you the time to grieve. Matters in relation to this House's future and all assets are to be reevaluated and reassigned to a new Patriarch or Matriarch."

A glance was made between them both, but Allatiscus was already on the edge of his seat. Hands gripped in an iron vice while his head hung over them. As for Kelz'thalas, she sat like time had actually frozen and stopped altogether. The faraway and glossy look that was offered to no one in particular showcased her visible shock and former tears.

Outside a vocal response, Allasticus's chair shifted behind him as he rose.

"I withdraw my candidacy in becoming the Patriarch." He looked to Haldir first before turning towards his sister. "I'm sorry sister, but I cannot shoulder this mantle or responsibility. Even if my life had been put on a course to do so, I know that I could not carry out our family's legacy."

His plated hand shifted to her shoulder to give a firm reassuring squeeze. Then he exited the room and shut the door behind him. A fresh set of tears christened her cheeks as everything that had been put into place to make this sort of transition bearable was removed at remarkable speeds. Both eyes closed as she leaned forward to cover her face with her hands.

The door would open yet again behind her, as Haldir glanced up to see who was permitted entry into the otherwise private room. His features seemed to soften somewhat as he nodded to their new visitor who strode into the room without delay. Allasticus's former chair was adjusted so that it was bridged closer to Kelz's own before someone assumed a seat there.

A hand smoothed over the curve of her back in a show of reassurance before words were delicately chosen to ease her pain.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves a memory that no one can take. There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they are gone, the light remains. I'm here for you should you have need of me, Kelz'thalas."

As the consoling words washed over her, both hands shifted to again wipe at her eyes. Haldir had moved around the desk of the Patriarch's study to offer up a handkerchief for her to take. With a feeble hand, she brought it up to accept the token of empathy before clearing away her shed tears. A grateful smile was offered to the Naralinthe for her words of assurance before she held tightly against the damp cloth of her tears.

But it seemed Haldir was willing to be patient with her, until she found her answer. Thoughts and memories of Adonis circulated within her mind - which often threatened to break her mentally and emotionally again. But she was trying to rationalize reason and logic with a heavy heart - something she should have been conditioned in doing since assuming the role of Commander.

Perhaps that little time with Adonis living had really shattered that sense of unwavering resolve. Or perhaps she just was that fragile all along. There was a lot that she could stand to oppose in the way of becoming Matriarch - but ultimately, was it best for her? Was it best for the family? Was it best for everyone? She had built her life up from nothing and knew little of the noble sphere outside catering to their every direction and convocations.

She thought back onto her father's wishes. What he wanted for the Sin'dorei people. What the House was supposed to represent in the ears of all those that heard the spoken name. It was within her element to protect, was it not? Even if she didn't have the experience of being a noble, perhaps living the life as someone less made connecting to all that more important.

Once more her mind thought on Allasticus and his relinquished hold on the role of Patriarch. But this wasn't a moment where either would want to be weighed down by regret.

Her gaze passed over one of the murals in the room. Without surprise, the glaring flames of a proud phoenix stared back at her. It was so easy to forget that when a phoenix dies, it rises back stronger than ever.

A heavy, steadying sigh was expelled as she straightened her position in her seat. Her gaze settled on Haldir as she steeled herself and spoke her answer.

"I accept the role of Matriarch, Haldir. Tell me what it is I must do..."

@allasticus - thanks for the ask, turd >:O @grumpyoldfker - don't fucking die or i'mma beat you when I die @themadamelioness - for mention :3 I trust she would be there for Kelz <3

[brain-depositary]

I think you've mentioned once that there was something fucky going on with Mary Shelley's gender. Where were you looking to find that? Is it in her journals? letters? I'm looking for a place to start.

I don’t remember if I said there was any solid evidence about Mary Shelley’s gender being fucky per se, but:

1. Frankenstein is a HEAVILY transmasculine book, like to an absurd degree. It’s possible that the transmasculine subtext was created by synthesizing a masculine viewpoint to stand in for “feminine” issues however (difficult pregnancies, presumed fragility in health/mind, incestuous abuse) because the issues were not safe for her to write about. For example, the incest issues in Frankenstein are buried while in her next book chronologically, Mathilda, was not, and it was not allowed to be published until the 1900s because her father blocked publication. The fact that Frankenstein managed to get, and still managed to get, so much under the radar makes me wonder if her viewpoint came from any self-knowledge.

2. Mary Shelley was friends with trans man and writer David Lyndsay/Walter Sholto Douglas, who she met after the first edition of Frankenstein (1818) was released, and he was sick with some kind of physical and mental illnesses and died before the more widely released 3rd edition (1831), which has been criticized for making Victor Frankenstein too sympathetic. And by “friends” I mean she engaged in a harebrained scheme to forge him and his wife papers so he would legally be a man when they moved to Paris, so, you know, grade A allyship from Mary Shelley. Anyway, the character of Victor is widely attributed to Percy Shelley and Lord Byron and him becoming more sympathetic has been attributed to changing social mores and the stage play but I’d be VERY curious if any of Lyndsay/Douglas made it in there, though this would take a shitton of research and my life has been too much of a garbage fire to get into this right now.

3. There could be stuff I’m forgetting but again, my life, garbage fire, etc. if anyone else has a suggestion here, I’d be very grateful.

So, anyone?

[angelofthemornings]

Okay, I came up with an action plan. I sort of want to share it with others, so after I review it with my therapist next week I'll post it to r/hikikomori. I'll show you folks too.

I decided to come up with an action plan about my condition based both on personal research and input from my new therapist. I'll make reminders in my phone calendar and come back with three month, six month, and one year updates. If anyone would like to do the challenge with me, please comment and update as well! I'm doing this publicly partially because I think it would be a little easier for me to do something for others and not just myself. If I'm a success story people can look at, then others might figure out how to help themselves too.

Some background on me:

I was a healthy, active, and industrious kid. Very curious, always doing something, a hard worker. The only thing wrong with me was some autism, very mild.

However, I developed severe insomnia around the age of thirteen and was unable to sleep until two or three AM. My parents decided I was "being obstinate" and refused to take me to a doctor or even get me OTC sleeping pills. Instead, I'd get locked in an empty closet hoping I'd pass out from boredom (I didn't), or dragged out of bed and onto the floor at six AM by my arm or my hair and forced to go to school on only a couple hours' sleep. Maybe an adult could handle that kind of sleep deprivation and still function, but for a child this was torture, especially because I was screamed at and sometimes hit every morning because I struggled to get up and going. I completely collapsed mentally - I even started bedwetting - and dropped out of school within a few months of my insomnia appearing, becoming a hikikomori. I spent over a decade more or less in captivity, and, possibly due to the stress of isolation, I developed bipolar disorder and epilepsy (I'm pretty sure, at least, that both came after I entered social withdrawal and weren't the cause) and I also struggled with alcoholism for a bit. I have some other trauma from things like relationships - I ran away and lived briefly with an older man as a teenager and it was really bad - and some other things, but that's not important right now.

I spend all my time lurking on social media looking for cheap dopamine hits and reading ebooks on my phone and that's just about it. After a LOT of trying and failing I'm able to draw and paint on a tablet for at least a few minutes most days as well.

So, as for the challenge.

My first step was stabilizing my health (bipolar disorder and epilepsy are in control and my sleep schedule is good, and I stopped drinking using the Sinclair method). That's taken care of.

Here are my instructions to myself for the rest of my healing process:

1. Accept that you were driven into a fragile and fearful state that is so normal to you now that you don't even notice it. Try to notice it. There are lots of things you want to do and don't do, and things you do that you don't want to be doing, and they grate on you. Pay attention to those moments and challenge and interrogate them, like:

"I don't want to get on social media this morning. Why do I feel like I have to?" Once you have answered that: "Is that true? Do I really have to? What will I feel if I don't do it and is that feeling really going to be intolerable?"

"I want to pick up a little, but I can't make myself. Why is that? Okay, it feels like I'm afraid my back will hurt. But how much will it hurt and will I go all to pieces if it does get sore? No, I think I can handle it."

"I need to clean the snow off of the car and I can't do it, but I can't identify why. What is something I could do to make myself more comfortable doing it? Maybe I'm hungry and could eat lunch first to get myself energized and to move around a little before doing any labor, or maybe I subconsciously realize I'm not wearing warm enough clothes."

Now is where all the research you've undoubtedly done about ADHD and autism stuff will come in handy. "Oh, it looks like I feel like I'm not going to be on time so I won't do anything before my telehealth appointment, even quickly change the clothes I've been in for three days...I know from my research that I can use a visual timer to help with that."

You'll have to talk to yourself like a mother negotiating gently with a very young child, or like someone rehabilitating an abused kitten, and that's okay. "Reparenting yourself" is a very common technique in American psychology. Remember that the father of hikikomori studies, Saito Tamaki, is really against firmness and force. He often compares it to "driving someone into the corner." Your job is not to discipline yourself and try to get tougher, your job is to coax yourself out of that corner. Again, the "abused kitten" model of thinking about yourself should work well here according to him - I don't think telling a feral kitten that Marcus Aurelius wouldn't approve is going to make it stop cowering. Kindness and creating a safe emotional atmosphere so it feels comfortable expanding its boundaries will.

Understand that "making yourself comfortable so you can do things" is much different than just "making yourself comfortable"; the latter is the kind of retreat that led to your unhealthy lifestyle. The former is purposeful healing.

Also understand that this "mindfulness" will take time to do consistently and is sometimes going to get annoying and cost energy. But if you can manage to do it for even one thought/action you want to change a day, that's still significant and will grow into serious progress.

2. Move physically. I don't mean go outside and jog for an hour right away, that's like, step nineteen. Moving physically and "being in my body" or "aware of my body" is difficult for me because of self-hatred and possibly some sexual abuse trauma, and after all this sedentary isolation I feel very detached from it. You'll want to start with very small stuff like chair yoga or those under-the-desk pedal things, and for only a few minutes. You can work your way up to true exercise later, for now, your job is just to get used to yourself as having a body.

3. Go outside by yourself, with no particular reason at first to decrease pressure. To start, I want to drive to the park at least twice and then three times a week, I don't even have to get out of the car, just practice being there. After I can regularly go to the park without feeling stressed, I can go to the public indoor pool and swim, just to practice being visible around others (water is really soothing to me). Then I'll attend virtual meetings for something - I've found some groups for autistics, LGBT, etc. After establishing regular attendance at virtual groups, I want to start going to the open art studio held at the library every week. That is attended exclusively by old ladies and they're always happy to see younger people, and older women generally have good social skills that'll compensate for my bad ones, and it's way less pressure than trying to create a social circle with people my own age. I also can either sit there quietly and make art or choose to socialize a little, nothing is obligatory.

If I struggle too much with the virtual groups or open art studio, I might attend an adult day care center for the disabled and have people pick me up to go, so that I'll have something external pushing me.

After I get used to that, I need to focus on one-on-one stuff which is very hard for me. To do that, I want to get virtual lessons in language learning (expensive but I'm going to try to squeeze it out of my budget) (on italki you're paying the tutor to be nice to you and you're not talking in your native language, so you're going to stumble and be awkward by default, no shame) or in violin so I can improve my skills and express myself. After I get used to people that way, I can try to join things like book clubs in my area and meet people in their 20s and 30s naturally.

4. This is about where I can start considering maybe a part-time job or school. It might be useful to take a class or classes on Coursera first, that way I can practice structure and doing things consistently for weeks on end.

5. In general, I want to make a list of three things to do every day. At least one of them should be a fun thing that I'd like to enjoy but struggle to do, like playing my violin. Another one should be something challenging and productive I can do on my phone, like use a language learning app, because phone activities are easiest for me. The remaining slot can go to obligations like doctor's appointments or cleaning up.

Advice: Studies show (source: Tiny Habits, written by the director of the Stanford Behavior Design lab) that you actually have a very limited window to reward yourself for good behavior, as in, less than a second. Saying you'll eat ice cream after dinner if you do something in the morning isn't effective. What you need to do is, after you've done something you want to reward, give yourself a bit of congratulations. I personally started playing the Final Fantasy victory sting in my head once I've done something I want to do. (The author of the book says he does a little dance or goes "Yay me!" when he does something like his pushups.) I also got the Do It Now app, which gives you points for tasks you set so you can watch yourself level, and I added not only obligatory stuff (cleaning, brushing teeth, appointments, etc.) but entertaining things that aren't sitting on a screen that I'd like to do more of but are hard for me (violin, listening to music, etc.). These two tools can give me tangible, psychologically appealing rewards. I don't know why being able to press a button in an app and watch a number go up is so satisfying, but it is.

Also, meditating helps (especially because it makes you more aware of your thoughts, that's useful for step one). I financed a Muse S meditation headband that reads my brainwaves and rewards me with audio cues when I reach a relaxed state, but I'm not going to say that's necessary because I want this challenge to be as cheap as possible for everyone.

Above all, be gentle, and give yourself points for trying even if you can only do something for a minute or two.

[plumbum-art]

I would like to say here, (even though you probably won't see this) Never stop making this blessed art. It makes my day and night, while i'm doom scrolling. This art changes it from doom scrolling to happy scolling!

Oh @xxl1zardb3ansxx , do you have any idea, how happy your comment makes me? I'm a bit in tears right now! Thank you so much for your kind words 💚 💚💚

You can be sure, that I read every ask I get (there aren't so much, as you might think). I'm grateful for every like on and reblog of my art and when someone leaves a nice comment in their reblog I read that too (it's a bit like finding a gold nugget). I often don't feel very confident, so kudos like yours mean the world to me and my fragile little heart 😭 Isn't making other people happy one of the best feelings in the world?

Please be careful with doom scrolling, though. From my own experience I can assure you, that it can damage your mental health very quick. It happened to me last year, when the Ukraine war started. I doomscrolled too hard until I was almost too mentally paralyzed to do anything. Then I massively reduced my news consumption (only once a day from official accounts) and it helped my overal mood a lot.

Thanks again for your comment. You are a wonderful person ☺️

[catchingpapermoons]

27

just musings on aging and mental health and being alive.

content warnings for suicidal ideation, death, self-loathing.

as the days ticked down to my 20th birthday, i became acutely aware of the fact that i was still a living, breathing person.

i hadn’t thought about it much; i’d been surviving on empty for so long i hadn’t realized it was time for me to leave my teen years behind. for me, much like it was for everyone else in the world, being a teenager knocked me around like those inflatable tube guys that blow violently in the wind outside the most drab-looking car dealership.

i grew up a lot from 13 to 19. i was very different at 19 than i was when i entered high school, but an apt comparison of those girls would be that i was so deeply, achingly insecure of my personality, because i wasn’t really sure i had one at all. much of it came from other people because i wanted them to like me, because i wanted everyone to like me. i wanted to make myself fit in spaces i probably wouldn’t have fit in at all. i didn’t know how to rise above it. i wasn’t sure i wanted to rise above it. all i knew, with absolute certainty, was that everyone would find out that i was secretly a terrible, jealous, conniving, uppity cunt who no one would ever love.

i had long believed i wouldn’t make it to 20. unfailingly, i’d hoped, maybe even believed, that something would happen and i wouldn’t have to face the rest of my life. and as much as i had believed that, suddenly i had made it through two years of undergrad and i was marching headfirst toward my 20s. i even wrote something too, braving how uncomfortable i was in facing my emotions to tell my community of facebook friends, people i’d known since birth, since middle school, since high school, since i started college, that i was grateful to them for giving me a safe place to land when it felt like i’d been freefalling for years.

“as a very lonely freshman in high school, for some reason, reaching the age of 20 seemed impossible,” i said in my post. “i’m happy to be 20 today.”

and just as suddenly as i’d approached 20, i was 21 and falling in love, and i was 22 and falling out of it. 23 and finally feeling a sense of self after being (mostly) properly treated for my depression, and then the world shut down. 24, 25, and 26 came and went. and a constant in all those years was that i’d come to this realization, this understanding of myself, that there was something—something young, feral, and bright—that was hurt. not irreparably, not from one single blow, but taken altogether, there was something fragile that needed tending to, like the broken ankle i never let heal properly.

there was an instagram story prompt the other day that asked you to show yourself in the past six years. what was startling to me was, first, that i found six pictures from six different years within the 20 thousand something photos in my library. but the prevailing thought was, looking at the pictures side-by-side, that you could tell how unhappy i was at 22, 23, 24 even. how halfway through being 25 you could see how settled i had become, that at 26, about to graduate with a professional doctorate degree, despite the massive stress and anger and anxiety and imposter-syndrome-god-complex that every law student has, i looked happy.

there’s a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

because when i was 14, i couldn’t picture life past 20. i could barely see the 15th birthday light at the end of the freshman year tunnel. when i was 19, i was shocked to see 20 flying around the corner, and even more shocked that i wanted to keep aging. it’s a source of pride for me that i’d managed, despite everything trying to tear me to pieces, to make it that far, and even farther than that.

there were reasons, of course, that i would never have left. i knew even in the throes of my insurmountable incapacitation that i couldn’t ruin my family like that. maybe that’s narcissistic to say, but maybe it’s just true, that a lack of grace in the world would hurt people in a way that would never leave them. i’m still haunted by memories of people i knew—whether i knew them well or more peripherally—because they’re gone and i won’t be able to send them a follow request on instagram or run into them on the train on our morning commute  because they died too early. and some of these people weren’t even my friends, just friends of friends or boyfriends of friends or kids i passed in the hallway. i think about them still and the mark they left, and i couldn’t do that to my family or friends or people who feel like me about the people whose posts they “love” on facebook or whose tweets they like on twitter.

and now, as i’m typing this, i am two weeks away from 27. in the past 6 and a half years i’ve been so adrift. i’d been so certain of life not existing past 20 that i never thought to picture what it would look like. i graduated from university and didn’t have a plan, and i was traumatized from my last relationship and heartbreak. i had no immediate plans beyond “make enough money to pay for gas” after i’d completely bombed the GRE, and i didn’t know who i was beyond my illness. 

now, i’m getting ready to take this exam that will determine my future and i worry about passing because everyone worries about passing the bar, but i’ve made it 7 years past where i thought i would. and i want to make it 10, 20, 30 more years, and beyond that. i want to be 100 with a family of kids and grandkids and great-grandkids and i want to be hopeful about the world that we live in even when hope feels fruitless and when climate change feels catastrophic because even when i was my most depressed, my most helpless, the little hurt part of me still felt hope.

the thing in me that’s hurting is simultaneously more prevalent and less painful than it has been. i like to picture it like a child version of me. and some part of me is telling her, whether she’s 5 or 13 or 21, that she’s going to be okay. she might feel lonely, she might feel sad and scared and panicked, she might try—well-meaning and missing the mark often—to help those around her when they just need to be left alone, but that it’s okay to make those mistakes. it’s okay to believe the best in people until they’ve shown you otherwise. it’s okay to be kind and know that, for as many loud and awful people there are in the world, there are more people who just care about helping each other. and it’s okay to believe all those things. and it’s okay to be discouraged and disappointed.

but i’m going to turn 27 and i’m going to celebrate with friends who live near me and call my friends who live far away and i’m going to provide help when i’m asked to and support when it’s needed. and i like to believe that’s made at least one person’s life a little brighter. i’ve never liked my birthday much. i think i’m just excited to turn another year older and to just keep going.

reaching 30 doesn’t seem so impossible anymore. 

[madamlaydebug]

Not that long ago, my newsfeed was constantly filled with repugnant and redundant rhetoric. To the point where I just used social media as a distraction. All of which, obviously, are negative aspects of this life. Then...I took a deep breath and began connecting with like minded sisters and brothers who vibrate upon the same frequency. Who take their spiritual health and well being as seriously as their physical, mental and emotional states and growth. This is so important for many reasons, not the least of all for me is the fact that this medium was designed to watch us and control us. However, this weapon of theirs backfired. The masses as we on occasion do, particularly when our continued existence is in peril, did something they did not take into account...we began connecting and communicating. I have friends now all around this beautiful and fragile organism we live upon. I have found, as I suspected and KNEW, we are all so very similar. We are all one tribe. We are all mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, daughters and sons, wives and husbands, and lovers. No matter where we live, work, play. No matter our language, religions or absence of, the music we listen to, the interests and passions we have...we all operate within the same construct and all have suffered and struggled to provide a space for our children, partners, friends and families to live, learn, laugh and love. We are all ONE. Now...my newsfeed is filled with inspiring memes, fuzzy kittehs, amazing creatures doing incredible things, I am particularly fond of a friends goat, who provides milk for her and her family and is loved and not gonna be eaten one day. I see pictures of places I would probably never have seen, I am learning about cultures that are wonderful and interesting. New poses and different types of Yoga and meditation techniques, recipes for delicious and vegan foods and drink. Holistic health remedies, spells and incantations, suggestions in reading material...most of all I've learned and connected with YOU. I Love each and every one of YOU and I am so very thankful and grateful for each of You and Your existence here in this dimension and on this plane. Keep smiling, keep posting, keep learning, keep teaching, keep sharing and please keep LOVING. It's the new cool and we so very much need as much of THAT energy as we can generate. It is getting stronger. Can You FEEL it? I do!!! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!!

Namaste and Blessed Be

[sussyside]

I’m just stated the obvious fact.

I was so sick for the past few days that I can’t get myself to school. I love school okay. But it can’t be denied that it’s stressful asf. I struggled with it but my health is kinda off the chart right now it’s hard to stay awake so shits r getting worst.

My mental health is the core problem yknow. It’s been staying at severe suicidal ideation for the past months. Now it’s like anorexic. Maybe that’s why my health is getting shittier. Why ED? I just want to see whether I would love myself more if I fit perfectly into the female beauty standards, but on the other side, oh I wish if I lost enough fats that everything can just fuse together and I will be completely flat. Been thinking of this way before I know I was trans. I’m relief that I’ve found a way to do this now.

That’s a fucked up statement ngl

Anyway, back to the main topic. My parents seem to take it the wrong way. I’m sick asf, okay? How to even go to school? These ppl came in care for me. Do I feel grateful? No. I have never once feel love for my parents since I was young. My earliest memory abt this feeling is when I was abt 7. Ye I cried with her. But I don’t feel a damn thing when I cried with her. It feels wrong hugging a person who just shout incoherently at u for 30 minutes cuz I have adhd and doing hw just never click my mind. Well, it’s okay, no one knows I have adhd yet maybe I’m the wrong one here.

Shit, I rambled into the wrong topic again.

Anyway, ye they went in and trying to get me to eat. I should be grateful. If not cuz the constant anticipation that “u need to get well to stop being absent from school” and “u r wasting our money for staying at home”. Bitch, I’m sick. Do I want to be sick? No I fucking don’t. Do I want to go to school. I’m so lovin’ that place. Studying is fun. I don’t have the best result, but knowing new things is fun. But going outside makes me feel like shit. I coughed all the way. My eyes hurt. My head hurts. Ppl don’t even talk to me. Every minute I spent outside, I feared of being seen as a woman and that makes me wanting to die more. I feared my ass being chased by teachers trying to get me bringing my works in no matter how much I try to finish it.

My parents really take it the wrong way yknow. They think I hate studying when I spent double to triple other students studying hrs with minimal output just to perfect things. I’m just shit at working on multiple subjects at the same time so my HW never went in in time. I’m trying to figure how to fix this for like 4 yrs but adhd sucks I’m literally sick in the head.

As u can see I have rambled into the wrong topic again. I ain’t going to retype this shit.

Yknow, I wish my parents will just ask “r u alright?”. The problem is whatever they said to me shows that the only care abt my future self and their money. My future self should get a job, help my siblings, marry, kids, then take care of them at old age. But pls, can we focus on the present. Me at the present is sick asf. Logically speaking, under any circumstances, one should focus on the present because of there is no present, there is no future. My parents love a non-existent child that is not even me in the future and they demanded me to love and feel grateful for them. “All for ur future this and that” WW3 hasn’t broke out yet chill.

They have said it before, “sometimes, a child is like a parents investment”. Thinking true like a business oriented employer, the money went in should produce equal, if not more output! So, I’m a money making machine? Trophy child? What the fuck am I to them. They said they don’t give shits abt my result cuz I’m sucks anyway. But if I’m wasting their money, shouldn’t they just dispose of me?

An hr ago, I brought this up to my mother. Boy she exploded the moment I told her what I have been hearing from them. The woman is so self aware of her fragile ego that she literally said “u r getting nowhere if u keep hurting other ppl self-worth!” Damn, so u r getting butt-hurt by mere healthy exchange for better understanding. Even if I’m being too aggressive with my wording, unaware. Any normal adults to my understanding would try to reconfirm what the child means instead of trying to justify their action immediately with increasing volume to slamming the door at the end. I literally reaffirm her that they r not wrong in being concern for my future but I stated before, it’s irritating that they don’t give shit at the reality that I’m sick and wish to have someone who dont just continuously hurl school, money and work at my face. I want to rest in peace.

[articulatedbyleilani]

The start of self improvement.

By now you know the triggers and the disappointment.

For exactly a year and a half, the focus was me. I was so selfish about myself, my time and the attention I paid others. Dating was not in my vocabulary because I was exhausted and the thought of finding “the one” was almost non-existent. Having sex was not of interest because I knew I wasn’t ready to allow anyone in, but I also refused to have sex with somebody I wasn’t dating. I refused to be treated a like toilet and a man taking a piss - they take a piss into the pot, zip up and leave. I’m worth more than that. Spending time with my family wasn’t an option - I was so fragile I couldn’t be around anybody who asked too many questions, anybody judgmental, anybody who was going to compare me to somebody doing better than me or anybody who was going to make me feel bad about myself. I rarely saw friends because during this self improvement journey, I learned that I would only be a product of my own environment. Honestly saying, I disassociated myself from them because they did not inspire me, I couldn’t look up to them, I couldn’t rely on them but most importantly, their priorities were all twisted. For exactly a year and a half it was me and my dog, and that was enough for me after years of pain, trauma and constant self doubt.

Nobody really talks about the challenges that come with self improvement. I had to do what was hard. Very hard. I had to constantly talk to myself and ask myself is there anything I need to be better at, and it was EVERYTHING.

I needed to stop putting other peoples wants and needs before my own wants and needs, my own mental health and my own emotional health.

I needed to stop allowing people to take advantage of me, use me then dispose of me, I needed to stop letting people take advantage of me. I needed to stop the minute I knew it was exactly that, but I didn't.

I needed to stop having such a forgiving, understanding and accepting soul. It was uncontrollable. This is what caused a repetitive cycle of the same episode, with different plot twist and new characters.

I needed to stop allowing my pain be the reason I neglected my health. I wouldn't eat or would eat non-stop. I would drink endless amounts of alcohol. I would smoke 5-7 blunts a day. I would sleep for hours and hours and allow the mess in my home, my car and my mind to accumulate.

I needed to stop allowing people and their wrong doings to me bring the worse out of me. I needed to stop allowing those feelings be stronger than the characteristics gods blessed me with - ambitious, motivated, a continuous goal setter, a get it done girl, a dedicated yet committed girl, a nobody s going to stop me girl, an in control of my life girl, a hard working girl, etc.

I needed to stop allowing myself to get mixed up in a circle of people who's lifestyle didn't align with mine just because it "numbed" everything.

I needed to learn how to control my anger during times the devil was pulling it out of me - despite why or who was bringing it out, I realized it was a side that shouldn't have been opened up and it was in my power to just walk away and never did.

I needed to stop making excuses and giving people the benefit of the doubt, I needed to stop making somebody sound better than they were just for parental and friend acceptance.

I needed to be honest with myself......... and so much more.

Have I fixed them? More than anybody will ever give me credit for.

Self improvement was harder than anybody could imagine, I didn’t need to brag about it, I didn’t need to show anybody I was doing it in action, I didn’t need to make anybody feel any smaller than me because I had the strength to do it and they didn’t. I didn’t have to be visually vocal with it. I was humble with it, discrete with it and grateful for gods hand in it. It was the beginning of the relationship I built with god, the understanding of god and that’s all I ever needed.

[imariejoyce]

SAFE SPACE…

Way back 2020, I hit my rock bottom.

It was the year which I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to surpass all the challenges in every aspect of my life…

It was the peak of the pandemic, every move feels like I was climbing a slope to get through the day…every day…

I wasn’t brave enough to admit that I need to do something to help myself to overcome the usual word I’ve always heard during those trying times…crying times…DEPRESSION.

I was born and raised in a country where mental health is not a usual topic. Surroundings where it wasn’t even a familiar subject back then, unless otherwise a discussion over someone with a word weakness attached to it, and that.is.so.f*$#ed.up…

Growing up with that kind of mindset about it, it was already injected into my mind that having a breakdown is equal to being fragile, frail…

That I am weak…

I always ended up invalidating all the negative emotions I am feeling during those days…thinking that I should be really thankful for all the things I already have and achieved after seeking those since I decided to move to another country.

For my first three years in Europe, I am always convincing myself that it was just a phase. That I shouldn’t feel this way because a lot of people are experiencing way worse than these.

And I need to be independent and strong…

For a long time, I was the nemesis of my own thoughts…

A foe to my own psyche…

A rival to my own intellect…

Until I found the right people to spend my time with…a port in a storm…

I started to acknowledge my breakdowns.

I started to let my emotion releases, feeling it until it doesn’t holding me back to move forward for a better sanity anymore…

I realised that having the right friends surrounding you specially in a foreign land, let you vent out and not invalidate your thoughts is very important to have your sanity back.

That being strong and brave sometimes could also be defined when you started to ask for help or if you let someone help you when they offer one…

and I am very fortunate that in this lifetime, I have found these friends beside me whom I am forever grateful for…

My A-team, my safe space…

[anddreadful]

saw an ask game of "send me two characters and i'll tell them what they'd think of each other" and i'm just gonna cut out the middleman and do it with my DND pcs (i have talked about my PCs meeting each other a little on twitter but really this is the superior site for Blorbo Thoughts):

🎩 + 💜 Tailor and Teddy: would severely vibe. both human tinkerers! both with villain boyfriends! both more reserved, sensible, angst-ridden members of their parties! Teddy would find tailor charmingly eccentric, admire his work, and be fascinated by the fact that he's back together with a reformed Chess, and Tailor would appreciate that Teddy's well-mannered, resourceful and curious. He would also have some gently paternal Concerns about her Whole Deal and overall obvious fragility, but it's not like he has a leg to stand on re: toxic boyfriends or evil magic patrons. teddy would be an absolute menace with one of tailor's fuckoff magical guns. 9/10 stars

🎩 + ⚡️ Tailor and Marin: Tailor has gone pretty numb to spectacular, world-altering feats of magic so he'd be pretty "sure. ok" at Marin's city-hopping-world-saving-hero-queen-goddess situation. Marin would find him lovely but quaint in a way Tailor might grate at the tiniest bit, but i suppose they would make small talk complaining about the faewild and how high-maintenance wizard boyfriends are. 4/10 stars

🎩 + 😈 Tailor and Aster: the thing is that, from Tailor's perspective, Aster is an annoying muppet babies version of Tailor's party member Faraday. He'd find her unbearably arrogant about her currently very small-potatoes magic and consider her forward bluntness quite rude. Aster would find him mostly oddball and ask him invasive personal questions until clocking that he's unimpressed with her, then she'd sour on the encounter and try to read his mind without him knowing, which tailor would take ENORMOUS offense to. 1/10 stars

💜 + 😈 Teddy and Aster: Aster would listen in detached horror to Teddy's Tale of Woe and conclude that Teddy is sweet, but a bit of a pitiable moron. Aster would be as polite and restrained as she's capable of being about it, which is not very, and proceed to give unsolicited opinions (including that teddy should dump borakov, who sounds like a drag to Aster) and ask a lot of pedantic followup questions about Barovia's magic. Teddy would find Aster to be A Bit Much, but kind of refreshing (she'd remind Teddy of Ireena and Ez) and would take some of Aster's insane ideas about how to deal with Strahd under consideration. 6/10 stars

💜 + ⚡️ Teddy and Marin: these two have nothing in common, but Marin would immediately clock teddy's extremely precarious mental health, recruit a reluctant Kitro and Rekhien, and they'd all go back to Barovia together and speedrun the rest of COS. Teddy would be faintly dazzled by her and Marin would be a bit benevolently condescending, but, well, Teddy has never minded a bit of benevolent condescension, and she certainly doesn't mind the help of three level 20 casters. Kitro and Rahadin meet and hiss at each other like feral cats. 7/10 stars

⚡️ + 😈 Marin and Aster: Aster would be obsessed with Marin and want to know absolutely everything about her powers and adventures. Marin would find Aster delightful, if brash, and see her younger self in her (everyone finds Aster sooooo baby, including teddy, who is barely older). Marin's loving descriptions of her party members would make Aster gush about Sev and complain about Clay, and Marin would find the Clay situation VERY funny (unlike Tailor and Teddy, who would be alarmed at the mage-hunter thing). Aster somehow walks away from the encounter having learned three lightning spells and feral with encouragement from Marin. 10/10 stars

[pandemieinverse]

Hidden remnants of an old you.

Maverick has once again a strange dream, which may be his mind's desperate attempt at clinging at his old self, or may be something else. At any point, you can't deny something's there.

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Content warnings: Unreality, implied cannibalism, gore, very slightly suggestive stuff?

(A/N: 661 words short story about my favorite weird guy. This was born thanks to a prompt about imagining our characters in a dream in a server. I tried my best)

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He would probably be grateful if you decided to bash his skull open against a white wall, pristineness showing the lack of stains from any past attacks, with the intent of investigating very closely the gelatinous, floating organ that he had for a brain, previously protected by the strong, but no so much to the point it could stop your sudden, uncalled for attack, bone structure containing the cerebrospinal fluid.

If you were the one he loved, you should feel more than allowed to further destroy his physical integrity, guiding your sharp, sterile scalpel across the most important, yet useless now, organ, following a vague memory on how to cut a meaningless piece of meat you’re about to consume for dinner, promptly forgetting about it. Corpses aren’t able to defend themselves, and even if they could, this one absolutely wouldn’t.

Because the mass of fat, salts, water, carbohydrates and protein Maverick needed for relying on his entire life, didn’t worked like it was regularly expected it should be, regulating and processing emotions and information like the majority. If you desperately yearn for your own death, regardless on the context you’re longing it for, that’s something that will send you to professionals, whose titles, hanging in a nice, square frame on another wall, claim they’re able to stop that, that they need to stop that, as soon as possible. It’s regarded as uncommon behavior, despite if your own brain decides that, in your reality, it’s something akin to your own feelings of normalcy.

For sure, that’s not something that you casually, out of nowhere, develop, not usually. This wasn’t the exception to that rule. Outside influences are commonly causative of this perceived discrepancy, and humans are, after all, outside influences, as long as we’re not all by ourselves. As suggested, this was the case.

He was the one who provoked this, who provoked both his own temporal demise, and the downfall of Maverick’s perception of life, his somewhat already fragile mental health rapidly spiraling into the darkness of nowhere. Selfishness-fueled obsession hidden against a thin veil of love, a dagger, a dead body, an abandoned house. It was an excessive amount of traumatic events combined in just one night, in a few hours. His outside influence was someone whose status is now unknown to the general public, but he knew the horrifying truth. Or so he thought?

At any point, one could say the most vulnerable state is when someone is deeply sleeping, lost in the realm of the dreams. The realm where it’s impossible to run away from the absurdity of repressed memories and twisted thoughts, unless you wake up. As much as Maverick’s brain was already fractured, sometimes, his mind would hopelessly cling to the bit of himself that survived everything. Even if it’s through absurd dreams.

As absurd as it is seeing yourself in your bed, naked, with not a single blanket covering you, when you know you’re dressed in your underwear, with two blankets joining the cozy bed.

Hearing movements in your house. You live alone.

Seeing a viscous, black mass with blue eyes crawling towards you, being unable to move, feeling its uncomfortable glutinousness taking possession of your weak body.

Getting closer to you ear in slow, tortuous, nearly painful movements, as it burns every inch of your skin.

And finally, it whispers to you.

“I know who you are, I know what you did. You’re just lucky he doesn’t anymore”.

The mass stays with you, stuck on your body, letting you agonize with its burning torture.

And then, the lovestruck albino boy woke up. No burning, underwear still on, blankets still covering his body.

Of course, this was just another one of his weird dreams. Now, all he needs to do is grasp his current reality with fierce claws covered in hearts, before the dreaded moments where his old self decides to take control of his thoughts, and remember everything through the lens of the past.

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

Wish me luck? There’s a strong possibility that tonight I’ll be seeing my ex and her partner together, for the first time since we broke up. I’ve seen my ex several times since, and it’s actually been positive to see her and I’m grateful for the positive relationship we have now (not “relationship” in the romantic sense I case that wasn’t clear - I just say that because it feels disingenuous to say friendship when I still need boundaries in place for my own mental health and healing that mean I can’t really be involved in her life like a friend would and have it still be fair, healthy, and holistic like a true friendship, and it’s also not right to say that we’re acquaintances because we have so much history and I really do wish her so well and warmly).

But it would definitely be a post-breakup “first”, seeing them together, so I can’t confidently say I’m going to handle it as well as I’ve handled talking to and seeing my ex since the breakup. Obviously seeing them together is just going to be different than only seeing her. And one of the big things I’m still working on is healing my body image issues that got really set back throughout both times we were together (but especially the second time). I’m healing and doing a little better, but it’s a fragile kind of okay, and I’m trying to be patient with myself because this is one of my oldest emotional “wounds”. Her partner just has the body that I had always wanted and knew I would never have since I was in second grade, up until I started healing in my early twenties. I was able to begin loving and embracing my body, but the progress wasn’t linear when I was just in situations throughout that relationship where I was in environments that were the perfect storm for comparing myself and not having the right tools or space to step away and reaffirm the value and worth of my body both intrinsically and extrinsically. It did a lot of re-damaging and even deepening of those issues, and I’m definitely not back to the same levels of positive body-image I had at my most healed. I’m worried I’m going to feel like a monster the whole time I’m there, and while I know logically I do not care what other people think, it’s so hard in situations without the “training wheels” on to fight back such an ancient and powerful voice in my head saying, “Everyone’s going to be thinking what an upgrade her new partner is. She’s so tiny and cute and everyone wants to cherish and protect her, and you are just sturdy and can take a hit so no one needs to be concerned about you, and frankly you look like a monster”. Even despite knowing with my whole heart that these are oppressive beauty standards that I never impose on anyone else, just me. I’m always the exception. But it feels so real to me. And I know that thought process sounds dramatic and unhinged, and I’m certainly embarrassed by it, but I don’t know how I can convey that those are, without hyperbole, the reality of the core beliefs I have about myself, rooted in over twenty years of repetition and just highly specific now because of the experiences in my mid- to late-twenties.

Anyway, I miss my social life with how busy I’ve been, so I’m going, even though there’s the chance they’ll be there and I may not end up okay. I’m going to be brave.