#my fragile mental health would be grateful

[seance]

WHO AM I TO YOU? I AM THE ANTICHRIST TO YOU.

[a-pups-writing]

Hi beautifullll💋🩷 got super excited when I saw ur ok with writing suicide, so can I ask for twst headcanons with first years + riddle when they learn that reader(gn) had a failed suicide attempt at ramshackle? Platonic or romantic, though I don't think it would matter much in this particular scenario. Thanks in advance, love ur writing💖

A/N; love this, and thank you for the kind words dear pink princess. No specification on what kind of suicide, so I'm going with an OD (overdose) hope that's okay. Also I have faves, I think its noticeable..

P.S.: if you ever deal with suicidal thoughts, you can and deserve to get help! Either from friends or a specialist, as someone who has the same problems it may feel like there isn't another out but there is. Life can be worth living. <3

CW; GN!reader, angst/fluff, suicide/mental health themes, some Sanders vibes(??)

Chars.; Riddle Rosehearts, Ace Trappola/Deuce (??), Epel Felmier, Jack Howl

Riddle Rosehearts; Romantic

first thinks its a joke, albeit not a very funny one, when he's told you're in the infirmary from an apparent overdose. He even collars those who told him, unable to believe such lies and rumors.

still, he goes to the infirmary, just to see if there's any proof of you..having done something, maybe you just hurt yourself accidentally- his heart almost stops when he sees you lying there, on an IV drop.

you just look so frail on that moment, pale skin and shaky breaths - he's grateful for the heart monitor standing besides you, showing him your heartbeat.

he cries, while holding your hand and just waiting for you to wake up and come back to him. He's gonna have to be forced to leave (Trey comes to get him, only able to convince him with tarts and promises of returning the next day, he even leaves one of those tarts for you..just in case you wake up.)

during classes/when he's not with you he's more irritable then normal and he sometimes reverts back into his snappy behavior - he just worries so much, and everyone seems to be breaking more rules.

as soon as you wake up he's by your side, holding your hand while his own is shaking in pure happiness. He might even cry again, tho he tries not to let you see that part of him.

definitely gets you help as soon as you're discharged, you can talk to him (or Trey) but he'll also search for an actual therapist/psychiatrist.

depending on the problem he'll do his best to help you, like studying with you, talking to those who were rude, etc.

he starts treating you more carefully, not that he really means to but you just got so much more fragile in his eyes.

Ace/Deuce; Platonic

pure unfiltered panic and chaos. Ace slaps Deuce to get him to work again, and then Deuce has to slap Ace to do it in return.

they run to the infirmary, almost getting kicked out my one of the medics, but they're allowed to stay..as long as they don't start to make loud noises again or something similar.

Ace jut stares at you while Deuce actually started to shed a few tears - seeing you so lifeless is new, definitely blame themselves for not having noticed it earlier and thinking they're bad friends because of it.

they'll be more down in general/less energetic, and mostly try to stay by your side (tho it can get to Mich for Deuce, he just can't take seeing you like that.)

both start to ask you questions the moment you wake up, the most prominent one; WHY?! Was it them? Someone else?-

they only calm down after a little while, but don't worry it'll happen..soon..maybe..

as soon as you get discharged try to help you with everything, chores, homework, people. It'll get overwhelming, and you'll have to tell them to calm down, after a few times they lay off a little.

Epel Felmier; ?

what?..his little apple? Doing something like that? He can't believe it, but runs out of the lesson as soon as he caught wind of the rumor. (Much to Vil's dismay)

cries a little when he sees you, but does his best to hold it back for his own sake.

starts wondering why you did it, is it because of him? Is he not strong/manly enough? Was he to weak for you to feel comfortable coming to him? He just becomes an insecure mess.

looses some of his spark, and even while Rook tries to cheer him up it doesn't help. Even Vil lays off a little during that time, stress causes wrinkles after all.

as soon as he sees you awake its like a dam breaks and he can't stop crying and hugging you.

he's definitely the type to demand answers. He wants them, to help you, and he wants them now!

it'll take some talking to get the point of mental health across, how its not just something that can be put aside. But he'll listen and do his best to learn.

asks you how you're doing everyday, and might even ask Rook to look after you when he gets worried..just for your safety of course.

Jack Howl; platonic, kinda sire/cub (y'all want an romantic version?)

wolf boy is worried about his little cub, he believes it when he hears it and mentally prepares for the worst while jogging to the infirmary.

is calm..on the outside, the only tell is his tail being down and his ears flat against his head. On the inside he's a mess, thinking of what could have prevented this and how he can help you when you wake up.

stays mostly by your side, and gets more aggressive when he can't - actually growled at Leona when the man pissed him off, he's just constantly stressed and hoping you wake up - takes a toll on him.

sees you as soon as you wake up, he might not have a smile on but his tail sags and starts to wag quite a bit. He might even hugs you, but would mostly likely wait for you to open your arms/ask him.

much more protective of you, talks with you once a day about your mental health and even gets you a support plush. Its a little wolf, to help you in times of need.

Sebek; so sorry for the Sebek fans, I've never written for him before and am scared of just writing something completely OOC (out of character), I'm still practising how's to write him and until I feel confident enough I won't. I ask for your understanding.

[breakaway71]

I got spoiled for 8x06 which would normally piss me off, but wow am I grateful I know not to bother watching in the morning, because my mental health is way too fragile to take that hit right now. What. The. Fuck.

[brain-depositary]

I think you've mentioned once that there was something fucky going on with Mary Shelley's gender. Where were you looking to find that? Is it in her journals? letters? I'm looking for a place to start.

I don’t remember if I said there was any solid evidence about Mary Shelley’s gender being fucky per se, but:

1. Frankenstein is a HEAVILY transmasculine book, like to an absurd degree. It’s possible that the transmasculine subtext was created by synthesizing a masculine viewpoint to stand in for “feminine” issues however (difficult pregnancies, presumed fragility in health/mind, incestuous abuse) because the issues were not safe for her to write about. For example, the incest issues in Frankenstein are buried while in her next book chronologically, Mathilda, was not, and it was not allowed to be published until the 1900s because her father blocked publication. The fact that Frankenstein managed to get, and still managed to get, so much under the radar makes me wonder if her viewpoint came from any self-knowledge.

2. Mary Shelley was friends with trans man and writer David Lyndsay/Walter Sholto Douglas, who she met after the first edition of Frankenstein (1818) was released, and he was sick with some kind of physical and mental illnesses and died before the more widely released 3rd edition (1831), which has been criticized for making Victor Frankenstein too sympathetic. And by “friends” I mean she engaged in a harebrained scheme to forge him and his wife papers so he would legally be a man when they moved to Paris, so, you know, grade A allyship from Mary Shelley. Anyway, the character of Victor is widely attributed to Percy Shelley and Lord Byron and him becoming more sympathetic has been attributed to changing social mores and the stage play but I’d be VERY curious if any of Lyndsay/Douglas made it in there, though this would take a shitton of research and my life has been too much of a garbage fire to get into this right now.

3. There could be stuff I’m forgetting but again, my life, garbage fire, etc. if anyone else has a suggestion here, I’d be very grateful.

So, anyone?

[plumbum-art]

I would like to say here, (even though you probably won't see this) Never stop making this blessed art. It makes my day and night, while i'm doom scrolling. This art changes it from doom scrolling to happy scolling!

Oh @xxl1zardb3ansxx , do you have any idea, how happy your comment makes me? I'm a bit in tears right now! Thank you so much for your kind words 💚 💚💚

You can be sure, that I read every ask I get (there aren't so much, as you might think). I'm grateful for every like on and reblog of my art and when someone leaves a nice comment in their reblog I read that too (it's a bit like finding a gold nugget). I often don't feel very confident, so kudos like yours mean the world to me and my fragile little heart 😭 Isn't making other people happy one of the best feelings in the world?

Please be careful with doom scrolling, though. From my own experience I can assure you, that it can damage your mental health very quick. It happened to me last year, when the Ukraine war started. I doomscrolled too hard until I was almost too mentally paralyzed to do anything. Then I massively reduced my news consumption (only once a day from official accounts) and it helped my overal mood a lot.

Thanks again for your comment. You are a wonderful person ☺️

[mayarsh]

@fantasythetrashywriter SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY DELETE YOUR ASK. I'll answer it here, sorry, pal..

What is your nickname?

Maya, but feel free to give me your own nickname ;)

When is your birthday?

9 May

What was your longest relationship?

Errr, i never date anyone so, with my parents, ig

What is your favorite book?

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett, Black Butler series by Yana Toboso, and all of Dazai Osamu's works.

What is something you're insecure about?

How fragile my body is. But overall, i'm pretty grateful at myself ^^

5 Female celebrity crushes

None, it's hard for me to get a crush at anyone i barely know

5 Male celebrity crushes

Well, i do had a crush on my best friend but, he's not a celebrity. Soo, none at all :)

What is your dream job?

ANIMATOR 🗣️🔥🔥🔥

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

Accidentally created the most toxic relationship that somehow complements each other between my ocs.

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

Nobody in my school would believe that i'm not the 'obedient and genius' kid. Like, what the hell???

I tried expressing them my true side, stopped acting and just being myself but everyone just goes, "You've change because you played with X. You're not the one i've known anymore". Golly... Looks like they prefer to see me keep pretending.

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

My mental health keeps getting better, yipeee! My ptsd didn't get triggered much often, yay =w= ♪

But, my friends will soon graduate. I know i should be happy for them, but i can't help but feel sad knowing they'll leave :"<

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

I'd love to visit Japan and see the blooming sakura with my own eyes. But for now, i really want to visit a library and a bookstore, which my small town didn't have TwT

How do you de-stress?

Listening music, watching my favourite vtuber's streams, and opening tumblr

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

Errr, maybe Youtube, Magia Record, or Pokemon Unite 😅

Describe yourself in one sentence.

No thought, my head filled with ocs

What do you think makes you attractive?

My skill at gaming, lmao

Or how much i cared about others, ig

What is something you're really good at?

I've answered it here

What is something you're really bad at?

Any physical activities and memorizing things

A time that you told a lie.

I despise lying, but being honest all the time will get you into much troubles. So if it's necessary, i only tell half-truth.

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

For the random fact, if you're a japanese student and someone puts a flower on your desk, that means they're wishing for your demise because putting flower on someone's desk is a way to honour that desk owner's death

And for the useless fact, with or without seatbelt, you'll die in a car crash

I just think that's interesting, thx goodness i'm not a japanese student or owning a car :)

Who knows you the best?

Few of my close friends. I feel safe near them and they accept me for who i am :"D

What is your most prized possession?

N & Zorua fastener accessory charm and a Zorua plushie i bought online!

(ps. I heard that the Zorua plushie came from an UFO catcher.. dunno what's that, but i bought the plush for 300k idr. I spend my lifesaving on that and never regret that decision, teehee >v<)

What is your longest friendship?

I befriended a boy since elementary and we're still best friend until this very second! Our friendship keeps getting better from time to time =w=

When did you first feel like an adult?

After finished my playthrough of Pokemon White and starts to see everything as shades of grays, metaphorically

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

Yeah. Though, i'm only good at chess

How are you feeling right now?

Kinda sick, but i'm fineee~♪/srs

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Night owl for life!

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Maybe for some people that thing was true, but i find it hard to believe. Falling in love with someone you've just met?? Even without knowing them as a person???

How. Is. That. Possible!!???

Favorite song lyrics right now?

I've also answered it here

What does self care look like for you?

Doing things you love (even if it's your guilty pleasure)

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

Ado, Trickle, and Rachie

(ps. I want to add Kikuo, but then remember that he's not a singer, but a vocaloid producer. Oh my..)

What makes you nervous?

When standing on a stage and everyone satres at me and when thinking about my crush (the funny part is, when i'm near him, i didn't feel nervous at all, lol)

What’s a pet peeve you have?

Having trouble at understanding emotions and worrying too much about future.

What will always make you cry?

That one scene in Rebellion where Homura 'worships' Ultimate Madoka/Madokami. The way the Chiwa Saito delivers her line and the track Dream World being played in the background. It feels like experiencing it as Homura herself :"<

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

Uhh, dunno. Maybe the way i talk? Or how i look? I honestly don't know how to answer this one :"D

[cinning-at-midnight]

Ahem, TW: Meltdown/Panic Attack content.

Riftan comforts Maxi during a meltdown/mental health episode.

Language is used to describe the emotions/impulses brought on by such an instance. Based loosely on my own experiences as a ND ADHD/Autistic adult. If this content may be triggering to you, please use discretion!

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My pulse racing, I touched my forehead, where a dull pain bloomed. I could feel a flush spread across my cheeks, as the realization hit me:

I'm having one of those "episodes" Father scolded and punished me for.

I thought back to moments ago where my stress was raised, and came away empty. Memories failed to form as I became swept away in a wave of emotion.

My fists clenched tight, and I knew I needed an outlet for my aggression. Before me, was only the stairs leading up to my bedroom.

My knees were weak, and with a huff, I clumsily slumped onto the floor. Often, I would get dizzy if I overexerted during a meltdown and I was grateful to be seated. Tired, but tightly-wound and cranky. So, so cranky!

My fist tapped the floor, but the sound and the action were not appealing to my senses. I slapped the floor with bare palms, and the tiled surface produced a clap.

Awash in my overstimulated state, I began fiercely slapping the tiles, and felt euphoria take away some of the edge of the frustration.

Footsteps echoed in the foyer and my eyes raised to meet his. My hands flew to my face and I stumbled to my feet, begging them to take me up the stairs.

However, in my urgency, I tripped on my skirt and hit my forearm as I fell. I grit my teeth tight and fought the urge to cry, but felt the sting of tears forming. Closer still, the footsteps approached, until a hand was on my shoulder.

"Maxi--"

A soft and gentle voice, despite my inappropriate behavior, caused my tears to fall. I could not make them stop, even as he carried me to the bedroom, and laid me on the bed. I breathed deeply as I could, to calm my sobbing. Riftan's voice would make me cry anytime he spoke. It was reflexive.

I should be getting lashes for this, Maxi thought to herself. No respectable lady behaves that way-- has outbursts like I did.

Warm, calloused fingers brushed my sweaty hair away from my face. I could not bring myself to look at him, because of my shame and emotionally fragile state. In the silent room, only my heavy breathing could be heard, as I begged my tears to stop.

Riftan sat with me the entire time, barely touching me, and without speaking. He must have realized that his words made me more upset. I was not able to stomach his compassionate concern.

"Maxi," Riftan whispered into my ear. I opened my eyes to see the room had grown dark, as though it was late into the evening. A bath had been brought into the room, which was further evidence I must have fallen asleep at some point.

"Let me bathe you," he said, almost pleading.

"You're covered in sweat and your tears. I don't want you to catch a cold."

Weakly, I nodded. Riftan made quick work of undressing the both of us, but I could tell he was using a more delicate touch than usual. He washed me as I curled my body into his lap, resting my head on his chest. I let the warm water ease away the last of my emotional and physical tension.

"Maxi, can we talk about it?" He asked.

I chewed on my bottom lip and neglected to answer.

A feather-light kiss touched my shoulder. "You looked so pained, and I want to know why." Riftan murmured his words into my damp hair. I squirmed where I sat, and reached forward to the opposite edge of the tub. His arms tightened around me, coaxing me back against his chest.

"Please, talk to me." Riftan said.

I exhaled heavily, "I-it happens from t-time-to-time. I d-don't always k-know when it i-is about to h-happen."

Riftan grabbed my hand under the water, gently squeezed my fingers, and kept holding our hands together. "What is it?"

I considered the question and the many ways I could possibly answer. At last, I said, "A-an e-episode."

Unsatisfied, Riftan turned me to my side, while in his lap, so that I was able to face him. I could see the crease between his eyebrows, and I again thought of a reply.

"It's s-similar to p-panic, but it c-comes out a-as anger at t-times." I threw my face in my hands. "Th-this is m-mortifying."

He brought my hand to his lips, and gently kissed it. "Thank you for telling me." Riftan reached for a towel and began to stand and dry us off. He helped me out of the tub and I felt even more vulnerable than usual. Like I had exposed more of myself than I thought was capable.

"How are you feeling now?" He asked me, when I was dressed in my night clothes and he was brushing the knots out of my hair.

"Mm, b-better," I responded. "T-truthfully, it can t-take a long while for m-me to feel n-normal again a-after I've…"

My voice trailed off as I remembered the intense emotions that I was displaying while Riftan watched, unbeknownst to me. I looked down, and bunched my hands into fists on my lap.

"I-it's okay. I c-can b-brush my h-hair," I muttered and turned to take the hairbrush. My hand outstretched, but lay empty as Riftan refused to give me the brush. I tilted my gaze up, away from the floor, and looked into his eyes. They looked so pained and worried. I could feel how empty of expression my face must have looked, as I was emotionally drained.

"Maxi, I--" his lips pursed tightly closed, and I looked away. "I worry about you. I know you know that. Maybe it's overbearing of me, but at least for tonight and tomorrow, will you let me take care of you?"

My shoulders gently shook as the most silent tears fell onto my nightgown. Riftan wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and then continued brushing my hair until there were no knots. When he was done, he let me lay on the bed as he asked the maids to bring our meals.

His worry must have been palpable even to the castle staff because of his gentle and tired voice. Riftan grabbed extra blankets to keep me warm, and the added weight was nearly comforting enough for me to pass out immediately. My eyelids grew heavy and he kissed my forehead.

"Rest for a bit. I'll wake you when the food is ready." I could feel his weight leaving the mattress and my hand reached for him. "P-please, s-stay." I said softly.

"I don't want to disturb you," Riftan replied, hesitantly.

"N-no. You m-make me f-feel s-safe." I muttered in my tired speech.

I could feel him quietly chuckle, as he lifted the blankets to join me. "Whatever the lady wishes."

[madamlaydebug]

Not that long ago, my newsfeed was constantly filled with repugnant and redundant rhetoric. To the point where I just used social media as a distraction. All of which, obviously, are negative aspects of this life. Then...I took a deep breath and began connecting with like minded sisters and brothers who vibrate upon the same frequency. Who take their spiritual health and well being as seriously as their physical, mental and emotional states and growth. This is so important for many reasons, not the least of all for me is the fact that this medium was designed to watch us and control us. However, this weapon of theirs backfired. The masses as we on occasion do, particularly when our continued existence is in peril, did something they did not take into account...we began connecting and communicating. I have friends now all around this beautiful and fragile organism we live upon. I have found, as I suspected and KNEW, we are all so very similar. We are all one tribe. We are all mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, daughters and sons, wives and husbands, and lovers. No matter where we live, work, play. No matter our language, religions or absence of, the music we listen to, the interests and passions we have...we all operate within the same construct and all have suffered and struggled to provide a space for our children, partners, friends and families to live, learn, laugh and love. We are all ONE. Now...my newsfeed is filled with inspiring memes, fuzzy kittehs, amazing creatures doing incredible things, I am particularly fond of a friends goat, who provides milk for her and her family and is loved and not gonna be eaten one day. I see pictures of places I would probably never have seen, I am learning about cultures that are wonderful and interesting. New poses and different types of Yoga and meditation techniques, recipes for delicious and vegan foods and drink. Holistic health remedies, spells and incantations, suggestions in reading material...most of all I've learned and connected with YOU. I Love each and every one of YOU and I am so very thankful and grateful for each of You and Your existence here in this dimension and on this plane. Keep smiling, keep posting, keep learning, keep teaching, keep sharing and please keep LOVING. It's the new cool and we so very much need as much of THAT energy as we can generate. It is getting stronger. Can You FEEL it? I do!!! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!!

Namaste and Blessed Be

[catchingpapermoons]

27

just musings on aging and mental health and being alive.

content warnings for suicidal ideation, death, self-loathing.

as the days ticked down to my 20th birthday, i became acutely aware of the fact that i was still a living, breathing person.

i hadn’t thought about it much; i’d been surviving on empty for so long i hadn’t realized it was time for me to leave my teen years behind. for me, much like it was for everyone else in the world, being a teenager knocked me around like those inflatable tube guys that blow violently in the wind outside the most drab-looking car dealership.

i grew up a lot from 13 to 19. i was very different at 19 than i was when i entered high school, but an apt comparison of those girls would be that i was so deeply, achingly insecure of my personality, because i wasn’t really sure i had one at all. much of it came from other people because i wanted them to like me, because i wanted everyone to like me. i wanted to make myself fit in spaces i probably wouldn’t have fit in at all. i didn’t know how to rise above it. i wasn’t sure i wanted to rise above it. all i knew, with absolute certainty, was that everyone would find out that i was secretly a terrible, jealous, conniving, uppity cunt who no one would ever love.

i had long believed i wouldn’t make it to 20. unfailingly, i’d hoped, maybe even believed, that something would happen and i wouldn’t have to face the rest of my life. and as much as i had believed that, suddenly i had made it through two years of undergrad and i was marching headfirst toward my 20s. i even wrote something too, braving how uncomfortable i was in facing my emotions to tell my community of facebook friends, people i’d known since birth, since middle school, since high school, since i started college, that i was grateful to them for giving me a safe place to land when it felt like i’d been freefalling for years.

“as a very lonely freshman in high school, for some reason, reaching the age of 20 seemed impossible,” i said in my post. “i’m happy to be 20 today.”

and just as suddenly as i’d approached 20, i was 21 and falling in love, and i was 22 and falling out of it. 23 and finally feeling a sense of self after being (mostly) properly treated for my depression, and then the world shut down. 24, 25, and 26 came and went. and a constant in all those years was that i’d come to this realization, this understanding of myself, that there was something—something young, feral, and bright—that was hurt. not irreparably, not from one single blow, but taken altogether, there was something fragile that needed tending to, like the broken ankle i never let heal properly.

there was an instagram story prompt the other day that asked you to show yourself in the past six years. what was startling to me was, first, that i found six pictures from six different years within the 20 thousand something photos in my library. but the prevailing thought was, looking at the pictures side-by-side, that you could tell how unhappy i was at 22, 23, 24 even. how halfway through being 25 you could see how settled i had become, that at 26, about to graduate with a professional doctorate degree, despite the massive stress and anger and anxiety and imposter-syndrome-god-complex that every law student has, i looked happy.

there’s a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

because when i was 14, i couldn’t picture life past 20. i could barely see the 15th birthday light at the end of the freshman year tunnel. when i was 19, i was shocked to see 20 flying around the corner, and even more shocked that i wanted to keep aging. it’s a source of pride for me that i’d managed, despite everything trying to tear me to pieces, to make it that far, and even farther than that.

there were reasons, of course, that i would never have left. i knew even in the throes of my insurmountable incapacitation that i couldn’t ruin my family like that. maybe that’s narcissistic to say, but maybe it’s just true, that a lack of grace in the world would hurt people in a way that would never leave them. i’m still haunted by memories of people i knew—whether i knew them well or more peripherally—because they’re gone and i won’t be able to send them a follow request on instagram or run into them on the train on our morning commute  because they died too early. and some of these people weren’t even my friends, just friends of friends or boyfriends of friends or kids i passed in the hallway. i think about them still and the mark they left, and i couldn’t do that to my family or friends or people who feel like me about the people whose posts they “love” on facebook or whose tweets they like on twitter.

and now, as i’m typing this, i am two weeks away from 27. in the past 6 and a half years i’ve been so adrift. i’d been so certain of life not existing past 20 that i never thought to picture what it would look like. i graduated from university and didn’t have a plan, and i was traumatized from my last relationship and heartbreak. i had no immediate plans beyond “make enough money to pay for gas” after i’d completely bombed the GRE, and i didn’t know who i was beyond my illness. 

now, i’m getting ready to take this exam that will determine my future and i worry about passing because everyone worries about passing the bar, but i’ve made it 7 years past where i thought i would. and i want to make it 10, 20, 30 more years, and beyond that. i want to be 100 with a family of kids and grandkids and great-grandkids and i want to be hopeful about the world that we live in even when hope feels fruitless and when climate change feels catastrophic because even when i was my most depressed, my most helpless, the little hurt part of me still felt hope.

the thing in me that’s hurting is simultaneously more prevalent and less painful than it has been. i like to picture it like a child version of me. and some part of me is telling her, whether she’s 5 or 13 or 21, that she’s going to be okay. she might feel lonely, she might feel sad and scared and panicked, she might try—well-meaning and missing the mark often—to help those around her when they just need to be left alone, but that it’s okay to make those mistakes. it’s okay to believe the best in people until they’ve shown you otherwise. it’s okay to be kind and know that, for as many loud and awful people there are in the world, there are more people who just care about helping each other. and it’s okay to believe all those things. and it’s okay to be discouraged and disappointed.

but i’m going to turn 27 and i’m going to celebrate with friends who live near me and call my friends who live far away and i’m going to provide help when i’m asked to and support when it’s needed. and i like to believe that’s made at least one person’s life a little brighter. i’ve never liked my birthday much. i think i’m just excited to turn another year older and to just keep going.

reaching 30 doesn’t seem so impossible anymore. 

[articulatedbyleilani]

The start of self improvement.

By now you know the triggers and the disappointment.

For exactly a year and a half, the focus was me. I was so selfish about myself, my time and the attention I paid others. Dating was not in my vocabulary because I was exhausted and the thought of finding “the one” was almost non-existent. Having sex was not of interest because I knew I wasn’t ready to allow anyone in, but I also refused to have sex with somebody I wasn’t dating. I refused to be treated a like toilet and a man taking a piss - they take a piss into the pot, zip up and leave. I’m worth more than that. Spending time with my family wasn’t an option - I was so fragile I couldn’t be around anybody who asked too many questions, anybody judgmental, anybody who was going to compare me to somebody doing better than me or anybody who was going to make me feel bad about myself. I rarely saw friends because during this self improvement journey, I learned that I would only be a product of my own environment. Honestly saying, I disassociated myself from them because they did not inspire me, I couldn’t look up to them, I couldn’t rely on them but most importantly, their priorities were all twisted. For exactly a year and a half it was me and my dog, and that was enough for me after years of pain, trauma and constant self doubt.

Nobody really talks about the challenges that come with self improvement. I had to do what was hard. Very hard. I had to constantly talk to myself and ask myself is there anything I need to be better at, and it was EVERYTHING.

I needed to stop putting other peoples wants and needs before my own wants and needs, my own mental health and my own emotional health.

I needed to stop allowing people to take advantage of me, use me then dispose of me, I needed to stop letting people take advantage of me. I needed to stop the minute I knew it was exactly that, but I didn't.

I needed to stop having such a forgiving, understanding and accepting soul. It was uncontrollable. This is what caused a repetitive cycle of the same episode, with different plot twist and new characters.

I needed to stop allowing my pain be the reason I neglected my health. I wouldn't eat or would eat non-stop. I would drink endless amounts of alcohol. I would smoke 5-7 blunts a day. I would sleep for hours and hours and allow the mess in my home, my car and my mind to accumulate.

I needed to stop allowing people and their wrong doings to me bring the worse out of me. I needed to stop allowing those feelings be stronger than the characteristics gods blessed me with - ambitious, motivated, a continuous goal setter, a get it done girl, a dedicated yet committed girl, a nobody s going to stop me girl, an in control of my life girl, a hard working girl, etc.

I needed to stop allowing myself to get mixed up in a circle of people who's lifestyle didn't align with mine just because it "numbed" everything.

I needed to learn how to control my anger during times the devil was pulling it out of me - despite why or who was bringing it out, I realized it was a side that shouldn't have been opened up and it was in my power to just walk away and never did.

I needed to stop making excuses and giving people the benefit of the doubt, I needed to stop making somebody sound better than they were just for parental and friend acceptance.

I needed to be honest with myself......... and so much more.

Have I fixed them? More than anybody will ever give me credit for.

Self improvement was harder than anybody could imagine, I didn’t need to brag about it, I didn’t need to show anybody I was doing it in action, I didn’t need to make anybody feel any smaller than me because I had the strength to do it and they didn’t. I didn’t have to be visually vocal with it. I was humble with it, discrete with it and grateful for gods hand in it. It was the beginning of the relationship I built with god, the understanding of god and that’s all I ever needed.

[imariejoyce]

SAFE SPACE…

Way back 2020, I hit my rock bottom.

It was the year which I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to surpass all the challenges in every aspect of my life…

It was the peak of the pandemic, every move feels like I was climbing a slope to get through the day…every day…

I wasn’t brave enough to admit that I need to do something to help myself to overcome the usual word I’ve always heard during those trying times…crying times…DEPRESSION.

I was born and raised in a country where mental health is not a usual topic. Surroundings where it wasn’t even a familiar subject back then, unless otherwise a discussion over someone with a word weakness attached to it, and that.is.so.f*$#ed.up…

Growing up with that kind of mindset about it, it was already injected into my mind that having a breakdown is equal to being fragile, frail…

That I am weak…

I always ended up invalidating all the negative emotions I am feeling during those days…thinking that I should be really thankful for all the things I already have and achieved after seeking those since I decided to move to another country.

For my first three years in Europe, I am always convincing myself that it was just a phase. That I shouldn’t feel this way because a lot of people are experiencing way worse than these.

And I need to be independent and strong…

For a long time, I was the nemesis of my own thoughts…

A foe to my own psyche…

A rival to my own intellect…

Until I found the right people to spend my time with…a port in a storm…

I started to acknowledge my breakdowns.

I started to let my emotion releases, feeling it until it doesn’t holding me back to move forward for a better sanity anymore…

I realised that having the right friends surrounding you specially in a foreign land, let you vent out and not invalidate your thoughts is very important to have your sanity back.

That being strong and brave sometimes could also be defined when you started to ask for help or if you let someone help you when they offer one…

and I am very fortunate that in this lifetime, I have found these friends beside me whom I am forever grateful for…

My A-team, my safe space…

[anddreadful]

saw an ask game of "send me two characters and i'll tell them what they'd think of each other" and i'm just gonna cut out the middleman and do it with my DND pcs (i have talked about my PCs meeting each other a little on twitter but really this is the superior site for Blorbo Thoughts):

🎩 + 💜 Tailor and Teddy: would severely vibe. both human tinkerers! both with villain boyfriends! both more reserved, sensible, angst-ridden members of their parties! Teddy would find tailor charmingly eccentric, admire his work, and be fascinated by the fact that he's back together with a reformed Chess, and Tailor would appreciate that Teddy's well-mannered, resourceful and curious. He would also have some gently paternal Concerns about her Whole Deal and overall obvious fragility, but it's not like he has a leg to stand on re: toxic boyfriends or evil magic patrons. teddy would be an absolute menace with one of tailor's fuckoff magical guns. 9/10 stars

🎩 + ⚡️ Tailor and Marin: Tailor has gone pretty numb to spectacular, world-altering feats of magic so he'd be pretty "sure. ok" at Marin's city-hopping-world-saving-hero-queen-goddess situation. Marin would find him lovely but quaint in a way Tailor might grate at the tiniest bit, but i suppose they would make small talk complaining about the faewild and how high-maintenance wizard boyfriends are. 4/10 stars

🎩 + 😈 Tailor and Aster: the thing is that, from Tailor's perspective, Aster is an annoying muppet babies version of Tailor's party member Faraday. He'd find her unbearably arrogant about her currently very small-potatoes magic and consider her forward bluntness quite rude. Aster would find him mostly oddball and ask him invasive personal questions until clocking that he's unimpressed with her, then she'd sour on the encounter and try to read his mind without him knowing, which tailor would take ENORMOUS offense to. 1/10 stars

💜 + 😈 Teddy and Aster: Aster would listen in detached horror to Teddy's Tale of Woe and conclude that Teddy is sweet, but a bit of a pitiable moron. Aster would be as polite and restrained as she's capable of being about it, which is not very, and proceed to give unsolicited opinions (including that teddy should dump borakov, who sounds like a drag to Aster) and ask a lot of pedantic followup questions about Barovia's magic. Teddy would find Aster to be A Bit Much, but kind of refreshing (she'd remind Teddy of Ireena and Ez) and would take some of Aster's insane ideas about how to deal with Strahd under consideration. 6/10 stars

💜 + ⚡️ Teddy and Marin: these two have nothing in common, but Marin would immediately clock teddy's extremely precarious mental health, recruit a reluctant Kitro and Rekhien, and they'd all go back to Barovia together and speedrun the rest of COS. Teddy would be faintly dazzled by her and Marin would be a bit benevolently condescending, but, well, Teddy has never minded a bit of benevolent condescension, and she certainly doesn't mind the help of three level 20 casters. Kitro and Rahadin meet and hiss at each other like feral cats. 7/10 stars

⚡️ + 😈 Marin and Aster: Aster would be obsessed with Marin and want to know absolutely everything about her powers and adventures. Marin would find Aster delightful, if brash, and see her younger self in her (everyone finds Aster sooooo baby, including teddy, who is barely older). Marin's loving descriptions of her party members would make Aster gush about Sev and complain about Clay, and Marin would find the Clay situation VERY funny (unlike Tailor and Teddy, who would be alarmed at the mage-hunter thing). Aster somehow walks away from the encounter having learned three lightning spells and feral with encouragement from Marin. 10/10 stars

[pandemieinverse]

Hidden remnants of an old you.

Maverick has once again a strange dream, which may be his mind's desperate attempt at clinging at his old self, or may be something else. At any point, you can't deny something's there.

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Content warnings: Unreality, implied cannibalism, gore, very slightly suggestive stuff?

(A/N: 661 words short story about my favorite weird guy. This was born thanks to a prompt about imagining our characters in a dream in a server. I tried my best)

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He would probably be grateful if you decided to bash his skull open against a white wall, pristineness showing the lack of stains from any past attacks, with the intent of investigating very closely the gelatinous, floating organ that he had for a brain, previously protected by the strong, but no so much to the point it could stop your sudden, uncalled for attack, bone structure containing the cerebrospinal fluid.

If you were the one he loved, you should feel more than allowed to further destroy his physical integrity, guiding your sharp, sterile scalpel across the most important, yet useless now, organ, following a vague memory on how to cut a meaningless piece of meat you’re about to consume for dinner, promptly forgetting about it. Corpses aren’t able to defend themselves, and even if they could, this one absolutely wouldn’t.

Because the mass of fat, salts, water, carbohydrates and protein Maverick needed for relying on his entire life, didn’t worked like it was regularly expected it should be, regulating and processing emotions and information like the majority. If you desperately yearn for your own death, regardless on the context you’re longing it for, that’s something that will send you to professionals, whose titles, hanging in a nice, square frame on another wall, claim they’re able to stop that, that they need to stop that, as soon as possible. It’s regarded as uncommon behavior, despite if your own brain decides that, in your reality, it’s something akin to your own feelings of normalcy.

For sure, that’s not something that you casually, out of nowhere, develop, not usually. This wasn’t the exception to that rule. Outside influences are commonly causative of this perceived discrepancy, and humans are, after all, outside influences, as long as we’re not all by ourselves. As suggested, this was the case.

He was the one who provoked this, who provoked both his own temporal demise, and the downfall of Maverick’s perception of life, his somewhat already fragile mental health rapidly spiraling into the darkness of nowhere. Selfishness-fueled obsession hidden against a thin veil of love, a dagger, a dead body, an abandoned house. It was an excessive amount of traumatic events combined in just one night, in a few hours. His outside influence was someone whose status is now unknown to the general public, but he knew the horrifying truth. Or so he thought?

At any point, one could say the most vulnerable state is when someone is deeply sleeping, lost in the realm of the dreams. The realm where it’s impossible to run away from the absurdity of repressed memories and twisted thoughts, unless you wake up. As much as Maverick’s brain was already fractured, sometimes, his mind would hopelessly cling to the bit of himself that survived everything. Even if it’s through absurd dreams.

As absurd as it is seeing yourself in your bed, naked, with not a single blanket covering you, when you know you’re dressed in your underwear, with two blankets joining the cozy bed.

Hearing movements in your house. You live alone.

Seeing a viscous, black mass with blue eyes crawling towards you, being unable to move, feeling its uncomfortable glutinousness taking possession of your weak body.

Getting closer to you ear in slow, tortuous, nearly painful movements, as it burns every inch of your skin.

And finally, it whispers to you.

“I know who you are, I know what you did. You’re just lucky he doesn’t anymore”.

The mass stays with you, stuck on your body, letting you agonize with its burning torture.

And then, the lovestruck albino boy woke up. No burning, underwear still on, blankets still covering his body.

Of course, this was just another one of his weird dreams. Now, all he needs to do is grasp his current reality with fierce claws covered in hearts, before the dreaded moments where his old self decides to take control of his thoughts, and remember everything through the lens of the past.

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

Wish me luck? There’s a strong possibility that tonight I’ll be seeing my ex and her partner together, for the first time since we broke up. I’ve seen my ex several times since, and it’s actually been positive to see her and I’m grateful for the positive relationship we have now (not “relationship” in the romantic sense I case that wasn’t clear - I just say that because it feels disingenuous to say friendship when I still need boundaries in place for my own mental health and healing that mean I can’t really be involved in her life like a friend would and have it still be fair, healthy, and holistic like a true friendship, and it’s also not right to say that we’re acquaintances because we have so much history and I really do wish her so well and warmly).

But it would definitely be a post-breakup “first”, seeing them together, so I can’t confidently say I’m going to handle it as well as I’ve handled talking to and seeing my ex since the breakup. Obviously seeing them together is just going to be different than only seeing her. And one of the big things I’m still working on is healing my body image issues that got really set back throughout both times we were together (but especially the second time). I’m healing and doing a little better, but it’s a fragile kind of okay, and I’m trying to be patient with myself because this is one of my oldest emotional “wounds”. Her partner just has the body that I had always wanted and knew I would never have since I was in second grade, up until I started healing in my early twenties. I was able to begin loving and embracing my body, but the progress wasn’t linear when I was just in situations throughout that relationship where I was in environments that were the perfect storm for comparing myself and not having the right tools or space to step away and reaffirm the value and worth of my body both intrinsically and extrinsically. It did a lot of re-damaging and even deepening of those issues, and I’m definitely not back to the same levels of positive body-image I had at my most healed. I’m worried I’m going to feel like a monster the whole time I’m there, and while I know logically I do not care what other people think, it’s so hard in situations without the “training wheels” on to fight back such an ancient and powerful voice in my head saying, “Everyone’s going to be thinking what an upgrade her new partner is. She’s so tiny and cute and everyone wants to cherish and protect her, and you are just sturdy and can take a hit so no one needs to be concerned about you, and frankly you look like a monster”. Even despite knowing with my whole heart that these are oppressive beauty standards that I never impose on anyone else, just me. I’m always the exception. But it feels so real to me. And I know that thought process sounds dramatic and unhinged, and I’m certainly embarrassed by it, but I don’t know how I can convey that those are, without hyperbole, the reality of the core beliefs I have about myself, rooted in over twenty years of repetition and just highly specific now because of the experiences in my mid- to late-twenties.

Anyway, I miss my social life with how busy I’ve been, so I’m going, even though there’s the chance they’ll be there and I may not end up okay. I’m going to be brave.

[thebookdragon217]

"Maybe we took what we had before for granted, didn't know it was fragile because we were fragile in ways that had never been tested." Before I Let Go by Kennedy Ryan is easily the best book I've read all year. Yasmen and Josiah Wade are my favorite couple forever and they will live in my heart rent free for a very long time. When I say this book stretched me beyond what I think I was capable of, that would be an understatement. This book broke me early on and ripped open an old wound I've never fully healed from. I almost thought I wouldn't be able to get through it. I'm so grateful to my therapist who helped me navigate tough emotions and provided a safe space for me. Therapy saves lives every day. Essentially, this is what Before I Let Go was about. It's about two people who fell apart, experienced immense tragedy, and did the individual work to rebuild and renew what they had. This book tackled grief, divorce, loss of a child, parenting, and mental illness in such a beautiful way. Kennedy Ryan wove magic together with these characters and their undying love. She rips you apart with their anguish but then knits you back together with tenderness and care. That's what it felt like to read this story. Ryan spotlights mental health and forces you to take a look at the reasons why people shy away from getting help. She shows you the complexities of depression and gives an authentic view of what healing looks like. She also reminds you that wounds can easily break open again when you least expect it. If you're looking for a fluffy love story, then this is not it. This story is one that will show you what it means to be beautifully broken and give you an authentic view of what proper healing looks like with the right support. Ryan will make you fall in love with these characters as you walk beside them in their journey. You will laugh, cry and grief with them. But more importantly you will cheer for them because deciding to get help and deciding to keep living is one of the bravest and most difficult decisions that anyone can make. Please take heed to trigger warnings on this one, especially suicidal ideation & loss of a child but read this one asap. (at Starbucks) https://www.instagram.com/p/CmK0GPOLzhT/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[homoerotic]

actually im going to vent about this bc i have nowhere else to talk about this and it's 2:37am and i just want to get this off my mind.

i think it's actually incredibly fucked up that me finally setting a Single boundary with my sister caused her to have a complete violent meltdown. i dont think it's very fair that i told her multiple times to please respect the rules of my house and that i was doing her a favor of being able to crash at my house for days at a time and she still couldn't respect me enough to not bring her weed in my house, to not eat in the bedroom, to not go into my room and steal my clothing and use my things, to not leave my guest bathroom a mess, etc, and she's mad at me for finally being fed up with it. everyone in my family knows i have no backbone and i will always bend over backwards for them because i am always putting my family over me, even at the expense of my time and mental health and yet i am constantly being taken advantage of by her and i'm tired of it! i'm tired.

my husband told me that in the 6 years we've been together, almost every single time i've had a meltdown and started becoming inconsolable and angry and destructive was because of something my sister has done. at what point do i stop letting myself get to that point?? and shes mad at ME.

and you know what else just FUCKS me off so bad? im told over and over "your sister is just going through a lot emotionally and you just happened to be the final straw that broke the camel's back" im sorry, what about MY fucking feelings? MY emotional well being? oh but right, my poor sister is just so fragile. with all of her problems. i dont have a single problem going on in my life right now.

she got to scream and vent and cry and hurl horrible shit at my mom when her mental dam broke, but i didnt get to do that. i dont get to fucking do that. i'm grateful as fuck to have a partner who loves me so much to be that person for me, because like what would i have done? just break shit in my house and potentially hurt myself all alone while my sister gets to be coddled and babied? it drives me fucking insane when i say something and my mom says "it's funny, she thinks the same about you" because ITS NOT FUCKING TRUE!! she thinks i'm coddled and that i have it easier than her and that my feelings matter over hers when my WHOLE LIFE has been her coming first. it's such fucking bullshit that she actually thinks i get anything remotely better than her, as if im not always shouldering the burden of HER problems. but FUCK me dude whatever!

incredibly fucked that when i tried talking to my mom about it she had to tell me she emotionally cannot handle discussing this with me because my sister exhausted her. what the fuck. and then i proceeded to meltdown anyways about it, adding to my fucking guilt of being a burden on everyone i love and had to listen to my mom try and console me when i know she was exhausted listening to me.

and yet my sister wants to do "family therapy" with me. fuck off.

let it be known that i actually had a huge meltdown today because i decided to actually set a boundary with my sister and the fallout of said boundary was so catastrophic resulting in her blowing up on my mom that i immediately blamed myself and felt like everything was my fault. really so cool and awesome to have that type of guilt over that.