#my first everything

[rosesnink]

The Damned Daughter, Part 1: Me and My Broken Heart

A/N: This is a prequel that will explain the world that I’ve created, how everything works and how Joanna has become the woman she is as we know her. This goes before The Cursed Heiress and will have a certain order to read. Some chapters will be before the happenings, some will narrate another point of view on the chapter (obviously published). 

Summary: The Circle is now on edge with the birth of Joanna and Mary struggles with being a mother after centuries being on her own / Months later, we see how Mary manages being a mother of the most expected child in centuries / A witch-hunt has started and Mary and Joanna must take measures to avoid being caught / Mary makes a decision that could change the course of her undercover life in Grovershire that will mark Joanna forever. 

Word Count: 3712 

November 1795

The old man slammed a fist on the table, his long beard showing “This is a scam! The girl had one job, the easiest one, and she failed!” He roared.

The male crowd chanted in agreement “She didn’t just got humiliated by a mortal and got pregnant of him without any of his aid, she gave birth to a girl!”.

The males roared angrily as some looked at him with despite and disgust. The man tried to calm the situation “Gentlemen, I understand your concern—”.

“We should have done it The Circle style! These mortals are very complex and meek.”

The room started to chant angrily, the control once lost. Uzaric Crochane felt now helpless, looking how these men called his beloved Odessa -who called herself among mortals Mary- every nasty things.

He tried to hold them off, but failed miserably.

“ENOUGH!” A loud, feminine voice called. Who else than his beloved wife and big matriarch, Vivian Whitmore. All the men stopped, now silent and intimidated by the matriarch, her tall, slim and old figure showing. She was 1005 years old, the oldest witch ever. The strongest and most powerful, she who brought five of the strongest warriors alive: Niklaus, Lucien, Nya, Nene and Odessa. Buried three other stillborn children, lost in childhood other two. If the world wasn’t so cruel, the Crochane dynasty would have ten heirs, but instead it had three “I can scarcely believe we are behaving like those who we promised to never be like. Judging a woman for not one, but three things she never asked for? Risking the Peace Treaty because the awaited child is a girl? What are we, chromes?” Her voice wasn’t as loud, but it was commanding “Over the centuries we’ve seen women thrive and save us all without a man’s guide, and now you think that you have the right to shun the poor girl? For giving birth to another girl?”.

“She should have killed that Robert guy and his wife, even that Henrietta and taken over the estate! Odessa has become weak since she became mortal!” A man scoffed “The Odessa I know had killed men over less than that.”

“Rupert Foredale will be taken care of, Wazax, I assure you, just as everyone he cares for. And Vincent Foredale… well, as much as I’d enjoy kill him myself, needs to be alive until Feyre grows up. He is the key to the prophecy and total transformation of our Feyre, who’ll evolve to Vunera.” The men nodded as she recited the last and most important part of the prophecy “After the death of the weakest patriarch, the six-bred will evolve to full Goddess, accepted and welcomed as Vunera, the Goddess of the Peace and Tranquillity, bringing the realms the desired peace until the end of times.” She looked at the men “Do not test a woman’s power because of her sex. After all, all of you gentlemen are witnesses of what it will be the most powerful creature that has ever lived since the tribids, which one of them is my dear Amatis.”

Some shuddered at the mention of Amatis, a rather bloody-thirsty and deadly warrior who was someone you shall not enrage. She was a witch as her father, half a vampire and half banshee, like her mother. She was dangerous, for she could tear you apart and was able to see when someone was about to die and had magic at her hands. She was feared and many people quivered at the mention of her name. She was redheaded, like her father, with green mischievous eyes and the Crochane smirk. Her twin sister, Freya, was a hybrid: half witch, half banshee. The only one who was any of these rare kinds was Mikael, a very well-respected warlock who was awfully supportive over his sisters.

“This is what we’ll do: you will accept the child just as you accepted my dear Lucien’s children and will call upon the races in war against us, offering a strong woman who will grow to be our biggest, most powerful creation ever. Let’s start with summoning the Kings of the strongest species…”.

Nya found herself calming down her sister, the strongest of them all, wailing and screaming of pain, and not exactly because of the baby, but of the deep despair and heartbreak she was going through. Nya thought that giving birth would help her through, but made it worse instead. She knew childbirth was traumatic and even scary -and yet those poor mortal women gave birth with high possibilities of dying because their duty was to become mothers. Sigh, mortal logic is the dumbest logic- but she didn’t know that it’d change a woman forever. Her shape changed: her breasts grew, so did her thighs and she became a whole other person during the process; emotional, sensible, vulnerable, weak, meek.

The Odessa she knew had died in that bed: one that once never quivered or wavered, always with her head high, one that earned respect everywhere she went, a true leader now shattered. She begged her little Fenris to ask a physician about what was happening to her: they called it postpartum depression. She was always in bed, crying silently while the little girl cried to be fed and attended while Odessa would scream to make her stop, but the baby wouldn’t budge. Nya told nobody, but sometimes, when Odessa wouldn’t move, she breastfed the little girl herself. She had to ask a midwife’s guidance and it was a very eye-opening experience. What made worth all that pain, all the struggles, the restless nights.

She had become fond of the girl: she had the Crochane blue eyes, some speculating that she could inherit her red hair. Watching the girl sleep, satisfied with the attention, happy, fed, loved…

“Odessa… I know what you went though was tough and painful, but right now, we need you… your daughter needs you. You need to heal, go back to that village and complete your mission—”.

“You don’t understand, Nya! I cannot do it!” She wailed.

“Why? Surely—”.

“I’M GOING TO DIE.” She screamed on the top of her lungs, thing that woke up the little princess, who was again crying.

Odessa grunted while jabbing her palms on her head. Nya had enough of this foolish behaviour and cradled the girl and made Odessa cradle her “Look at her! Look at her well! Get your shit together, Minerva!”.

Odessa looked at her shocked. No one since the 1200s called her by her middle name, Minerva. She nodded as she looked at the girl: she had chubby cheeks, big blue eyes and milky skin, the same tone as her Vincent. She started to rock her, calming the poor soul who was guilty of nothing but being caught at the wrong situation.

“Shh, my girl, shh.” She saw how the girl cooed at her and reached to her and she smiled, kissing the top of her head. She looked at Nya and smirked “Back at the village, when I gave birth to the girl, I didn’t name her Feyre as mother planned.”

“What’s her name then?”.

“Joanna. Joanna Feyre Crochane.”

January 1796

“May I present… Grand Duchess Odessa and the heiress of the house, Duchess Feyre Crochane!” The herald roared and the crowd went wild!

Everyone gathered around to celebrate the first year of the heiress to the house and if Odessa played her cards well, the throne. Many girls swooned over her baby cheeks and small, chubby figure, beaming and cooing happily. Nya and Nene were in another float. They paraded all over the Circle as people yelled how much they loved the small Duchess already. There was a moment where her little Joanna sneezed and the crowd melted over such an adorable sound, thing that made her beam and move her small legs and arms. She was only three months old, but she aspired to be smart. She was a very brave baby who laughed when her dragon, Jaskier, growled at her or when even the Devil came to see her and she threw him at the face her food, thing that he did not appreciate.

It was hard work because she always cried just when she was heading to bed and she did not appreciate it, but once she saw her chubby face crying, she could not resist. Auburn hair started to grow slowly and every time she raged, the whole ground shook.

There were some tranquil nights were she just observed her little princess sleep, licking her thumb and have dreams. Some nights, she could even still feel Vincent’s arms around her, beaming at their little girl, then kissing her cheek and asking her to come back to bed, but it was just an illusion. What he did to her was the worst humiliation possible over her 775 years of life. Betrayed, alone, abandoned… too many emotions for just a woman like her. For centuries she had suffered many betrayals: she had been ratted out for being a witch, chained in the Tower Of London, a mutiny of her lover when she was a pirate, almost burned because of those fucking Christians, casted out of England for neglecting Henry’s VIII affections during Katherine of Aragon’s second pregnancy, tortured by Hernán Cortes, kidnapped by her grandfather because he was hexed… she was so terrified of what he could do to her, yet she had never cried so much just as she cried when Vincent abandoned her for some blondie who was tasteless and desperate. It was like she had a million cuts all over her heart and her soul was beaten up and she felt so hurt, so angry, so betrayed, so abandoned…

She screamed into the void, thinking it’d become better, but then she saw how happy he was for his newly pregnant wife. She thought of writing him, telling him about her little princess, but then she remembered that he did. He wasn’t deserving of her. Her beautiful eyes, full of light and life, her laugh that filled the void of her heart and restored her soul the moment she cradled her, her soft expression every time she called her name…

The parade stopped and she had to finish the party, so put a smile on her face and lifted Joanna to the sky, where the ancestors could observe her and it poured petal pink rain: it meant that her path would be rough, difficult and uncertain, but that if she played her cards well, she could thrive. Everyone sacrificed animals, thing that made Joanna cry.

Everyone was at her door, awaiting to see the baby and shower her in presents and adoration. She waved at them and Joanna beamed, making the whole crowd swoon.

An hour after, it was time that Joanna had her sleep and she kissed her head, making her yawn and sleep.

“Seems like this time it wasn’t so hard.” A familiar voice smirked.

She turned around to see Elias, on his usual attire from the 1600s and his long, white hair and his deep green eyes, tall as ever. She smiled at him and greeted him.

“It’s been a while. How about if we go for a walk?”.

“… I’d like that.”

May 1807

It had been three months since Joanna received the last power before start transitioning and getting used to the power she held inside her. She had tried to tell her daughter about her true condition, but she couldn’t bring herself to do so. She feared for her. She was out of control, too much power on such a small child. Ever since, Elias had been there, holding down the forte until she could find a steady anchor. Briar didn’t seemed an enough one, for she always encouraged her to do naughty things. Every time they argued, the floor ended up trembling. Odessa was hopeless, while Elias would never lose hope. There had to be someone out there who could help her. People started to talk about a dark force among them, one that would be their downfall. They started to question people.

Well, more like young girls, Joanna’s age. Odessa feared for her life, because if she didn’t die, she would unleash chaos and she wasn’t ready. Not yet. Not when she received a letter saying that by the year 1816, the world would be full of old dark forces looking for her downfall. The witches’ downfall.

“Miss Mills? Scotland Yard, open the door.”

She straightened herself and opened the door, looking at them impassive. One of them was smoking a big cigar, while the other had a cruel smirk on his face.

“Is your daughter home? We’d like to ask some friendly questions.”

She nodded as she offered them tea and the best seats for them as she called upon her daughter, who was reading a book. She spoke into her mind

Joanna, my dearest, you must lie to these men, for they cannot know we exist. Tell them you have a very bad temper and you’re working on it. Don’t look threatening. Be calm. Do not give them power over your emotions. Lay your head low, don’t talk back, be polite. Don’t you ever tremble or hesitate, for these men are very dangerous, butchers.

“Joanna, my beautiful girl, there are some nice men who want to talk to you.”

“Of course, Mama.”

She bowed her head in signal of respect and stood there, showing no emotions, like she was taught.

“Miss Mills… have you felt anything different in you?”.

“My Mama told me that at this age I shall find some differences in my body and voice, perhaps my behaviour.”

“Have you noticed anything… out of place in this town?”.

“I wouldn’t know, sir. I just do my chores and help Mama out, I don’t pay attention to these things.”

The man chuckled “An obedient, good girl, eh? That’s good, lass. Do you believe in witches, young lady?”.

“No, sir. I believe, just as Mama does, that is an old wives’ tale. A mere myth to scare us.”

The man with the cigar got up, examining young Joanna. He smiled like a predator and Odessa held back to trick him to get his hands off her daughter, for the tension was already palpable.

“Did you know that redheads are ought to be well hidden witches?”.

“I may have heard, but I find it preposterous. I am a normal, young lass, sir, who works to get a living and find a fitting husband.”

The man chuckled, some smoke getting in Joanna’s face, but she never wavered. He patted her shoulder “That’d be all, lass. It’s your lucky day, no charges.” He looked at Mary and smirked “Have a good day, Miss Mills.”

They both bowed “You too, Detective.”

They waited until the men were far away before sighing of relief. Odessa hugged her daughter, kissing her temple “You did well, my girl. We are no longer suspects. Now go, Elias waits for you and your lesson. Make sure you’re not followed.”

“Yes, Mama.”

1810

Odessa was talking to her newest, rather amiable friend Mrs. Coleman as she giggled about Mr. Gibbs’s son making heart eyes at Miss Daly, her dear Pavarti’s daughter, wondering if she’d feel the same or she’d break his heart, adding it to her list. Odessa chuckled as she shook her head, amused by her wonderings.

“Did you also noticed how happier your Joanna has been ever since she and my eldest boy started to court? My boy won’t shut up about how happy he is beside her, getting to know her. I think he’s more than smitten. He might be in love!”.

“He seems to be absolutely whipped about my dear Jo, indeed. It almost reminds me of her father’s gaze… unwavering, unyielding and completely enamoured. Sometimes I swear I can see him, smiling at me… but he is in fact buried and I cannot do nothing to reverse it.”

Mrs. Coleman was about to question her when Thomas himself stormed into the room, eyes wide, nervous and stuttering some nonsense. Mrs. Coleman scolded him for his poor manners and he cleared his throat, gaining his composure again “Ms. Mills, may I have a word?” He looked at his mother “Alone. Tis a private matter.”

Mrs. Coleman nodded, now seeing her son’s game and beaming, winking at Odessa to then close the door shut, leaving utter privacy to them.

“How can I help you, boy? Come, I won’t bite you.”

“Yes, I know, I just thing this occasion I must be on my feet.” He cleared his throat and Odessa observed he had put on his Sunday clothes. Something was going on, indeed “It is no secret that you daughter Joanna Mills has captivated me completely ever since the moment I saw her and I am honoured that you allowed me to court her. I’d like to think that she and I are a match made in Heaven, for I haven’t met someone who I feel so coordinated, intelligent, capable, strong and positively charming as Joanna.” He took a deep breath as he knelt down to her “That’s why, miss, I beg of you to concede me the honour to… propose to your daughter this Friday, after the governor’s speech.”

Odessa’s eyes went wide as she chuckled, not believing her eyes “These are joyous news, but… are you certain, boy? You are but 18!”.

“I’ve never been so certain in my life, Ms. Mills.”

She was about to give her answer when she remembered the Elders and their schemes. She frowned as she thought of an excuse to make him wait a bit longer. What if they tried to kill the poor boy?

“Thomas… I’d love to give you an answer, but there are some things about her education and womanly matters I’d like to discuss with the family. It doesn’t mean that it’s a no… but neither a yes. Can you wait until Thursday?”.

“I’ve been waiting for your daughter for 10 years, I think I can manage three days.”

Odessa placed a comforting hand on his shoulder “You are a great boy, Thomas. Never doubt that.”

Nya gasped “Proposal? Like, marriage proposal?!”.

“Ye—”.

“Ridiculous. They’re too young to be engaged! I have never been engaged and I’m 800 years old. I think Feyre can live without a man just fine.”

“I mean… I have lived without a man just fine.”

“It’s different, Nya. You are a sapphic, you aren’t even attracted to the men.”

“I’m actually—”.

“Odessa, the Elders have spoken.”  

She nodded as she went to that charming yet scary chamber of theirs. Many ghosts were there, looking at her and she curtsied in signal of respect “I take you’ve made your decision?”.

“Yes, indeed. It wasn’t easy, Minerva, but we’ve reached an agreement.”

Another Elder spoke “You know we are the only ones who can see millions of lives lived and endings and possibilities and after consulting our Gods, we’ve reached a decision.”

“We have decided that…” Odessa held her breath “we shall accept this engagement of Feyre with the Coleman boy as much as it can last until she reaches the age of 20, for she’ll have to meet sooner or later the Earl for—”.

“I am dying and my hex is inevitable, I know.” She frowned “Any leads about who could have done that?”.

“Not yet, but soon, trust us.”

“I shall deliver the news back to Earth.”

Friday night

Everyone was speaking about the annual speech of the governor, always so proper and stiff. Thomas couldn’t stop staring at Joanna, who was beside her mother and listening to Briar’s gossip about the governor’s mistress in Manchester, a married woman with three children she declared.

Thomas saw that everyone was gathered in the room when he shyly climbed to the fountain and gathered everyone’s attention “First of all, congratulations to our governor’s eloquent and inspiring speech. Second of all, I’d like to say a few words to a certain girl who is present tonight.” His eyes fell on a very confused Joanna “Joanna, when you first came to this town, I couldn’t believe my eyes. So young, yet so wise and educated, strong and open minded, I was awe-struck with you. During these years and especially these months I’ve never met someone who I could be myself around without feeling embarrassed or thinking about if I was making a fool of myself. I have found someone who has such an inspiring insight of the world, how many possibilities are in the world and that there’s more than meets the eye.” He smiled at her as Briar and her mother encouraged her to meet him and she realized what was going on. “I love you, Joanna Feyre Mills. Ever since the moment I saw you, I was. And I’d like to prove everyone that I am enough for you.”

He jumped off the fountain and dropped on one knee, his face beaming on the moonlight “Joanna… will you make me the happiest, luckiest and most complete man and marry me?”.

“Thomas… Tommy…” A few tears came to her glistened eyes. She got him up and smiled as wide as she could “Yes!!! Yes, a thousand times yes!!!”.

Everyone cheered for the couple as some guys grunted, damning the stupid Coleman boy for having her first and now until they were husband and wife. Joanna grabbed Thomas’s face and kissed him passionately, making the elders chuckle as Odessa shook her head. She had never been so happy for Joanna… not since her Vincent proposed to her.

Briar ran towards them, squealing and asking for details as Pavarti and Mrs. Coleman spoke of the wedding, how it’d be and many, many awful details.

That night everyone celebrated the newest engagement, dancing around and eating Mrs. Daly’s delicious delicacies as Thomas and Joanna giggled, their eyes and hands on each other.

Odessa knew that this wouldn’t last, but that was a conversation that she’d have later.

“For now, let her be happy.” She said, looking at the moon, the same moon that made certain that she and her Vincent weren’t so far from each other. 

[withlove-frommyself]

Sometimes i forget

the taste of your lips

the curve of your nose

the wrinkle between your eyes

or your girly eyelashes.

Those ears that are way too small

and those teeth that shouldn’t be that apart.

I can’t get to recall

your nervous touch

when you try to please

both our hearts and I

in fact, I

I lie.

in my head images go round and round

voices echo and they cry

they whisper

they whine

Time has gone by, my darling

and, oh my, do i recall

you telling me you love me

your tears running down my spine

my nails against your back.

My mouth against your mind.

Your neck hugging mine.

Your tongue foolishly trying to pronounce

worths in a language you hardly understand.

Time has gone by, my darling

and i can hardly remember,

how much it hurts

trying to ignore that empty chair

that i always forget to forget.

[purplebunnygirl]

Oh no, two pretty girls in my bedroom

[softyprince]

THE JONAS BROTHERS REACTIVATED THEIR INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN I NEED ANSWERS 

[cutesidestory]

After having my first college crush and it not ending well, I promised myself not to let anyone in as fast. Take it slow everything comes into place eventually. Then you came along...what seemed like a one time thing. I had no feeling for you at all, but you insisted that we keep seeing each other, get to know each other. You said you fell for me that morning when I held your hand but in reality it was you who first held mine. After that night you kept coming to my door and we’d meet up and talk, listen to music, eat, makeout and just spend a lot of time with each other. It took me a while to open up and talk more with you, that’s just the person I am. I never planned on liking you, never. You made me get used to having you around, you made me get attached to you. But why did you do it? Why would you make me feel all these things? Why? That’s what I keep asking myself. Now you’re saying that I’m not what you want, that you’re not ready. It broke me when you said that what we had needs to come to an end, when it was you who started it all. You saw me cry that day, yet you came back and said we can still be more than friends. I guess it’s my fault for continuing this like nothing happened, like nothing changed. I know you still have feeling for her, you talk about her every chance you get. It hurts when I hear her name come out of your mouth, because I know you will never talk about me the way you do about her. Now you are saying you are going to see her again in a few weeks, am I just your backup plan? If things work out with her are you just going to leave there on the spot? Are you just gonna forget I have feelings? Did you forget when you told me you never wanted to make anyone feel the way she made you feel when she left? Or does it not matter cause you know I’ll stick by your side no matter what? You see you’re so different when you talk to me, you tell me you’d never lied to me yet you have. I just don’t push it cause I don’t want to you to get angry at me. Because afterall I’m not your girlfriend, I’m nothing to you. You just keep me because you know I’ll be there when ever you snap your fingers. I can’t even say no to you no matter how mad you get me. Are my friends right? That you just see me as your property? Or are you just with me because you feel bad for me? I honestly wish I knew what went through your head but I know I wouldn’t be able to take it. I just wish I could hate you. But I feel like I can’t because you said from the beginning you weren’t ready for a relationship, but that you still liked me. But honestly now I don’t even know if that’s still true.

[lenfaz]

:massive screaming: :incoherent noises:

[homieloversaint]

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[j--elizabeth--k]

I wrote so many poems about you.

late night thoughts

[ephemeral-blithe]

I don’t know what I was doing going on your profile. Maybe I wanted to see how you were or if you changed your looks. But I saw instead that you found a new girlfriend, and I can’t help but wonder.. “What made her better than me?”

[xoxocossette]

i will always want my engagement ring

and the hot kool aid

and the bacon on bad days

and the sex 7 times a day

and the naps

and you

and youandyouandyou

[jolleke92]

[dressedupsoul-blog]

The Yu Yu Hakusho english dub is so good eugh they gave them so much personality and they're so into it and yeah they say dated corny shit half the time but oh MAN it's so great

if you want to watch an anime where the dub's actually fucking amazing watch yyh

[secretsofawildchild]

But after nine months, I still find myself missing you.

I remember everything you made me feel.

[lkidara]

i find it quite funny how someone can go from being a stranger to being your everything. does it ever occur to you that at one point of your life this person meant nothing to you? and than all of a sudden they mean the world? and than back to nothing.

its a cycle. to me that is. im way to old to be naive. its been imprinted in me that nothing lasts. eventually death comes along. so yeah im right.

but with you its completely different. just with you. but until you are dead, i cant ever allow you to amount to nothing to me.  whether together or not. till death does us part.

[tvnut]

ok nevermind

i'm gonna do something dangerous

I'm rewatching Bones

[xxboomboomxx]

im not going to lie. seeing this picture again and honestly looking back at everything ive been through with her from where we started and to now, i regret nothing. she was my first everything and i will never forget her. i am very thankful that i met this girl because she changed a lot about me and so did i. some people wont believe this but to me its true. she made me fall in love again. not the fake but the legit falling in love. i lost love before i met this girl and when we first met was the best feeling and best day ever. i started regaining all feelings i lost. the butterflies, the fuzzy feeling, the real smiles on my face, warmth, long talks on the phone, sweet flirting on AIM ( yes i said aim xD), the great feeling of holding them in your arms and holding their hand and putting the smile on her face knowing im doing something right. it wasnt all perfect, we had fights that it kept growing and growing to the point we almost gave up. when i remember when shes giving up, ill do my best to fight and get her back and still give her a reason why she still loves me. shes the reason why i kept fighting. ive never fought for a girl this hard and shes the first. i never wanted to lose her at all. i will fight to show  how much im not giving up. i made a lot of sacrifices for her when i was with her. i was showing that shes my number 1. late nights during school while shes in the Philippines and i stay up really late because of the time difference or i dont sleep at all and when im in school, im dead knocked out. but it was all worth it because shes the voice i wanted to hear in the morning and night when im about to knockout. and trust shes done a lot of sacrificing for me too. wakes up early in morning in the philippines to go to the computer store and talk to me on aim and go to her aunts to call me. we did whatever it takes to talk to each other. i will never forget it. the little things were the big impacts of my life and Alexa Faraon was the girl that got me back into falling in love. shes the girl i cried for, loved, fought for, also that made me the saddest and the happiness person. every memory of her from then til now is in a special box thats for her only and every time i look at it i smile and think about the memories and i regret nothing. i thank her for everything. she might see this but its kool. lol but thank you alexa for everything and mean it all. you will always be in my heart for a life time.   

" I’m going to miss you so much. I know you’ll come back. I promise i’ll be here when you get back to LA. YOU HAVE MY HEART." - me before you left to the philippines before our 1st month .