#my feeling are valid and they are of Doom and Despair

[wonderingabout]

the gorgeous community leader from shul is gently prompting me to convert and i am too scared of the bet din and my own inadequacy to engage lmao i am terrible at hebrew and i worry i will never be good enough I Will Never! Be Good Enough! To Achieve my Dreams!!

[therainscene]

I've described myself in the past as "overly-queerbaited" as a way of explaining why it took me so long to come around to Byler endgame as a legitimate possibility... but that's kind of a misleading way of putting it.

Truth is, I've always been too much of a cynical fuck to fall for queerbait... or any other story that promises positive queer rep.

[Sherlock couldn't touch me; I saw this cringe homophobia coming from a mile away. Fans mistaking straight anxiety jokes for meaningful gay subtext was clearly doomed to end in mockery. Nobody deserved to be treated like that... but god, it was easy to predict.]

I think it's a symptom of having grown up under Section 28 -- feeling like I'm being unreasonable for wanting to see queerness normalized is such an ingrained habit that even today I instinctively recoil like a vampire touching sunlight whenever an optimistic queer story falls unrequested into my lap.

But I'm hardly alone in feeling this way -- many queer Millennial and Gen-X fans of Stranger Things are against the idea of Byler because it would ruin the catharsis of watching the gay boy growing up in the same era as we did slowly succumb to the same despair that we did.

[For those who haven't played the VR game: Vecna is speaking in this screenshot.]

There's genuine comfort to be found in painful stories -- this type of catharsis is practically the cornerstone of horror as a genre -- so I can't really fault myself or anyone else for wanting it, despite the obnoxious oversaturation of disappointing queer endings in media.

This is the nostalgia show, after all -- and like it or not, for many middle-aged queers in the target audience, nostalgia is shot through with the pain of homophobia and loneliness.

But do you know who else is a hurt queer(-coded) adult who resents happy endings? This cynical fuck:

Henry personifies despair and loneliness and the dark urge to take our pain out on others -- and when Will is in the picture, I would argue that he also represents internalized homophobia.

Will might represent who we were -- but Henry represents who we've let ourselves turn into.

And I don't think many of us want to admit to that, because that would involve questioning why we have so much in common with the literal villain of the show; why we're still so consumed with self-pity after 20+ years that we're obsessing over the fate of some kid.

I'm not suggesting that wanting a less-than-fairytale ending for a fictional gay boy is equivalent to being a child killer lol. It's perfectly valid to want to see your pain acknowledged, and stories which appeal to that desire deserve to exist.

But between Henry's connection to Will and the cycle of abuse themes of the show, it's clear that this particular story simply isn't about wallowing in the bleakness of growing up gay in the 80s, but about self-actualizing in spite of it all.

So I just can't bring myself to want a "relatable" ending for Will.

As much as I struggle to enjoy positive queer rep, I don't want to be so cynical. I'd thrown up so many walls to protect myself as a teenager that I forgot how desperately I wanted to see just one of those painful queer stories end on the same uplifting note that straight stories were always entitled to: with true love overcoming the odds, saving the day, and living happily ever after.

[But I'm A Cheerleader, a surprisingly fun movie about conversion therapy, is proof that stories like this did exist when I was a teen... but finding them in the pre- and early-internet days amidst so much censorship was a tall order.]

What makes Stranger Things different from most queer stories -- and what allowed it to pierce through my defenses and stab me in the gut -- is that it perfectly mimics those bleak, acceptable-to-the-censors stories from my youth -- only this time, the secret uplifting gay plot twist is real.

Not for the sake of shock value or of grabbing some empty woke points at the last second, but because the plan all along was to slap the audience in the face for believing homophobic lies about the existence of queer happiness.

That's some gourmet catharsis, if you ask me.

Just the possibility that my inner child might finally be vindicated has allowed me to truly let myself want the things I want for the first time in 20 years -- and that's the first step towards finally crawling back out into the sunlight.

Happy Pride Month, everyone. 🌈

[vickyvicarious]

Mina first being scared that Van Helsing will accuse her of being responsible for Lucy's death before meeting him and validating her guilty feelings, and then going fully into a despair on October 1st about her going to Whitby and taking a liking to the cemetery being what doomed Lucy... Makes me worry about her survivor's guilt after all this.

We never read her account on October 4 when she and Jonathan wrote down the Oct1-3 cylinders and journal entries, but I'm so curious how she felt listening to the recording about Renfield dying for her after their friendship... Maybe she took it quietly with no tears, as she's on survival mode. But once that is all over? She's prone to spiraling into guilt and feeling responsible...

I've missed a few asks on Mina's guilt, just because I've not kept up with my inbox a hundred percent. But it definitely is a consistent trait of hers and we saw hints building towards the breakdown about Lucy. She feels scared he will accuse her of being responsible for Lucy's death because she feels responsible. And even though Van Helsing never comes anywhere close to putting that on her (because why would he, she protected Lucy as much as possible), we later see Mina do it to herself. I think those thoughts were always in her mind, but when she was being active and taking steps to protect others (Jonathan) or to seek retribution (hunting Dracula) she was able to push them to the back of her mind. But as soon as Mina was left behind with nothing to do, the grief and guilt hit her full force.

And yeah, of course there was additional stress because she was being excluded, and Dracula feeding on you is probably more likely to intensify negative feelings about oneself, but like... yeah, I think that was always coming. Mina feels over-responsible for things, is prone to blaming herself, and does not take well to bad things happening when she wasn't there to stop them. So she concocts some kind of reasoning to herself where actually she could have stopped them. Even when she knows for a fact that there is nothing she could have done, I think she would still feel some guilt mixed in with her worry and grief. It's just how she thinks. Either she did something wrong, or she failed to do something right. Activity or inactivity, both her fault.

When Jonathan was lost on his business trip, Mina felt intense worry but couldn't act because she didn't know what to do. She tried not to acknowledge her terrible thoughts much because again, there was no way to act on them, and she didn't know for sure that they were true. She was actively trying not to give up hope by speaking aloud her worst fears. We saw her counseling herself to have patience, repeatedly. We didn't see much guilt here, but she was suppressing all worry, and I think if she had gotten news that he had died, then she would have instinctively blamed herself at least a little. More "why did I let him go" type blame - if she'd stopped him or at least been with him, maybe she could have saved him.

With Mr. Hawkins, Mina seems genuinely caught off guard by his death. She must have known he was ill, at least enough that he sent Jonathan on the trip in his place, but it was still a sudden death she wasn't prepared for. I don't think she would feel seriously guilty over failing to prevent it, but I could see her feeling kind of guilty that she missed the warning signs and didn't care more for him as well. Maybe she failed to notice some sign that would have at least prepared everyone better. We don't see this happen in the book, and I think it would be much less because he is older regardless and she was never 'responsible' for him in the same way, but I could see these thoughts occurring to her.

With Lucy, it's twofold. First, her death - Mina left her when Lucy seemed to be getting better. Then she was hit with the news that Lucy had died while she was away and fully occupied with caring for Jonathan. We saw her feeling worried in Whitby that she was the cause of Lucy's illness by accidentally pricking her with the pin when she went to get her in the graveyard. The sleepwalking was something Mina failed to protect her from; the illness was from something Mina did when failing to protect her. And yet she felt soothed by an apparent recovery and went off to Jonathan. Then later on, she noticed that it had been a long time since she'd gotten a letter from Lucy, but she didn't bother to come and visit her. Maybe if she had gotten a doctor things never would have gotten so bad! Maybe if she had come to visit her in London she could have shared vital information that would help the doctors save Lucy's life.

And of course, when Mina finds out what was really happening to Lucy she feels worse. Because it wasn't her pricking her with the pin that caused all this - it was something worse. She saw all the signs but dismissed them. She set Lucy up to be vulnerable in the first place by getting her to hang out in the graveyard. And so everything that followed was her fault, and when it was worst she wasn't even there to help.

Mina never blames herself for focusing on helping Jonathan when he needed it. The narrative never does either. There's never a "choose between these two who you love" situation where picking one means the other is lost. Lucy seemed better before she left, Mr. Hawkins died suddenly meaning he probably seemed better too. But while that specific aspect isn't touched on, because Mina knows down to her core that she did right in being there for Jonathan, there are plenty of other ways she can blame herself. She always wants to take action, but if something terrible happens it means she took the wrong action. Even if that means she has to go ways back before the bad things began to find it (a la hanging out in the graveyard). Or if she couldn't act, it's still her fault because they were taking action for her sake.

That's an angle I didn't mention above but I think it would hold true for her to an extent for both men there. Jonathan was ambitious and working hard to provide for their future, so that they could get married. It was at least in part for her that he went off to Castle Dracula. Mr. Hawkins was hiding his illness for her and Jonathan, trying to appear fine because he cared for them and didn't want to worry them. If he'd taken it easier maybe he could have lived longer, if it weren't for them...

And that holds all the more true for Renfield or anyone who explicitly dies for her sake. She can see it potentially coming with Jonathan right now as well, for example - he's willing to damn himself of love for her). And yeah, Renfield of all these people is the one she knows and loves least, but they connected when they spoke. And he chose to fight Dracula, he died for her. At least in large part. His death was such a tragic one, too... And maybe Mina could have prevented it, if only she had spoken up. If she'd been less afraid of being sent fully away, and told Jonathan and the others about her fears. Maybe he would have lived.

As you say, it's possible she wouldn't have cried. I think she might have, a little, but more out of sorrow than guilt at that time. I think, like always, the guilt in its entirety would creep up on her later in quieter moments when she has nothing to do. When she can't distract herself, when she can't act to make things right or take care of others somehow.

[blackjackkent]

Rakha waits until they're back at camp to talk to Wyll about Ansur.

(This conversation actually turned out quite interesting for Rakha imo, although for reasons quite liberally seasoned with headcanon.)

She has been trying to sort out her own thoughts about it. Her attention has been so much on her own problems - on Orin, on Gortash, on the most direct route to the brain and the problems in her own mind - but she is aware that this mission was deeply important to Wyll. It was his father's wish that he seek out Ansur and bring him back to protect the city, and even though it was no fault of Wyll's, they could not do that.

Rakha... is really pretty familiar with the idea of disappointing her father, after the last few days, but her father is, to put it mildly, very different from Wyll's. This is not a situation she has a lot of relevant experience with.

Luckily, Wyll speaks before she has to figure out how to open the conversation.

"Ansur is dead."

(A/N: The game bugged and hung the dialogue on this line until I hit space, and it was very amusing that it seemed like Wyll said that and then just fell silent and looked depressed. Valid, my dude.)

"There will be no great tempest roaring through the skies, no dragon redeemer to save us. What hope, then, for Baldur's Gate? Without the great wyrm's aid... is the city doomed to fall?"

Rakha can hear the anxiety in his voice. The strain and despair is unlike him; he has always been a steady presence at her side, guiding her along a path of hope even when she's felt the world shaking apart around her. But not here, not now. He has focused all his hope on finally making his father proud, doing his duty by the city he was thrown out of, bringing back an unstoppable weapon to fight the evil that threatened it.

And now none of that will happen. Rakha swallows, fumbling for some words that might soothe his fear and anger and grief as he has so often soothed hers... but though her mind is quieter now, she is no more facile with comfort and soft words than she was before.

And someone else speaks up before she can find the right thing to say.

"You braved the wyrm's lair seeking a savior," the Emperor rumbles through their minds out of the Prism. "Yet it was you - all of you - who vanquished the undead abomination which Ansur became. You are more powerful than you understand. It is you who are the tempest. It is you who are the Heart of the Gate."

(A/N: Fascinating.

So... I'll be honest - I really don't like this set of two post-Ansur conversations for Wyll. The particular circumstances of Rakha's run, however, do make this really interesting.

It's an open point of discussion in the fandom that a lot of Wyll's quest, particularly in Act 3, feels haphazardly done and unsatisfying; these days I am somewhat intrigued by the theory that he was originally supposed to have story opportunities in the Upper City which then got scrapped. It would certainly explain a lot, because the business with Ansur does not really feel like a thematic conclusion to his arc.

But imo these two conversations are by far the weakest part. As you can see if you look at just the dialogue in this post without my context and descriptions, he bounces ALL over the place from depression to ambition to valor to a weird sort of manic celebratory air, all pretty much without the player's input at all (or regardless of it). Left to its own devices it's a pretty lackluster set of dialogue and in my opinion serves to make the ending of this quest feel even weirder than it already does.

HOWEVER. This really is fascinating in the context of Rakha's run specifically and considering the events that have directly led up to this.

Rakha has been for most of the game loyal to the Emperor and thus able to be manipulated by it.

Ever since meeting Minsc and particularly since their argument in the Astral, that partnership has broken; Rakha now sees through the Emperor's manipulation and has 180'd to pretty much hating it.

Rakha has now also been stripped of her Bhaalspawn heritage - meaning that another thing binding her to the Emperor (the mental peace offered in the Astral) is now also no longer relevant.

The Emperor and Rakha just had ANOTHER fight in the aftermath of battling Ansur, in which they both made it super clear that one of them is probably going to kill the other eventually.

And now... Wyll is in a state of clear despair. (Well, clear-ish. Poor Theo Solomon does his best but this dialogue is, again, so weirdly written that he clearly had trouble figuring out what emotion he was supposed to be going for - but for our story purposes, that first line is definitely despair.) And of all people, the Emperor chimes in out of nowhere and starts talking him up about how cool he is and how it doesn't matter that Ansur is dead because actually Wyll is the Heart of the Gate.

And look how that plays out.)

Rakha's eyes narrow, hearing the Emperor's strange and unexpected words of encouragement - but she sees how they work on Wyll. His head lifts, and some of the bleak despair goes out of his eyes. His lips curl up at the corners in a cautious smile. "You're right," he says, squaring his shoulders. "We are the warriors who'll slay the Absolute. We are the guardians who'll defend this fair city."

Nod along silently.

"The brain will fall." Wyll is warming to the discussion now, his eyes going brighter with eager energy. "And the people will hail us as champions." His eyes widen and his breath catches. "I could even claim my father's own ducal title and carry his banner after this! 'Grand Duke Wyll Ravengard.' Marshal of the Flaming Fist, the city's truest defender!"

(A/N: You see what I mean, maybe, about how fast the tone flips in this conversation. I am very much aware of what they're going for here but the execution just ends up feeling extremely weird.

But... specifically in this story's context, this really ends up reading like the Emperor (who heretofore has shown zero interest in buttering up Wyll) realizing that its goose is cooked as far as Rakha is concerned and instead fixing on this new target at a moment of extreme emotional vulnerability.

And for a moment here, Wyll comes very close to buying it, hook, line, and sinker. Because Blade of Frontiers or not, there is a part of him that does desperately want to return to the city, his city, and take up his father's mantle. The Emperor has played on that subtle aspiration and for just a moment it almost takes over.

I am glad, though, that unlike the business with his pact, we actually do have the option to let Wyll make his own decision here.)

Rakha listens to this speech in silence. She can hear the desperate hope in his voice, the need for her to say yes, yes, you will return to the city and they will love you, they will cheer you for what you did for them, after so long away. But... she doesn't understand it. In all the time she's known Wyll, he has never shown the slightest bit of aspiration for a seat among the patriars. In fact, he's spoken disparagingly of the city's emphasis on the nobility over the less fortunate. He has sacrificed everything of himself for others (including her) on more than one occasion.

But now he pictures a world where he is not only a noble but a Duke, the leader of the Flaming Fist, standing in his father's shoes. Is that what he wants? Does he believe it is required of him? Or is there some other element of this that she does not understand?

Perhaps it is simply that he wants peace, just as she does. Perhaps he is tired of adventuring and wants to return to the city for good. She has no right whatsoever to judge him for that - and yet she wonders. What is the place for me, in such a future?

She feels conscious of the Emperor watching them both. Watching Wyll. She can just barely see the outline of how it is pulling the strings of this conversation, just as it has pulled hers.

But Wyll has never listened to the Emperor. He even warned Rakha away from it. Surely... surely he is stronger than that... And she loves him. She will follow him down whatever path he chooses, as he has followed her.

"Follow your heart, Wyll," she says quietly. After a moment's pause, she reaches out cautiously and grips his hand tightly in hers. "I trust you to make the right decision."

Wyll frowns, looking down at her hand on his. A muscle works in his jaw. Then, after a long moment, he shakes his head. "I fought to right the wrongs of the Coast. To slay the monsters that hunt the helpless," he murmurs. "What good is a champion who puts himself above the people? What good am I as a politician, just out of reach?"

He lifts his head and squares his shoulders firmly. "There will be no Grand Duke Wyll Ravengard. And there will be no Blade of Frontiers. I am now the Blade of Avernus. For as long as demons and devils imperil the Sword Coast, they will be my prey."

(A/N: And now we've whiplashed back the other direction. XD Honestly I think this part of the conversation would be LOADS improved by an actual pause before I fought to right the wrongs of the coast; I described one here but there isn't actually one in game and it just sounds like he changed his mind INSTANTLY. The Blade of Avernus thing also seems to come out of nowhere since he hadn't mentioned any dissatisfaction with being the Blade of Frontiers at any point previously.

It's just odd. But - GO WYLL! IGNORE THE EMPEROR'S MANIPULATION! \o/)

Rakha relaxes. Good. That sounds more like Wyll, like the man she knows, the man who helped guide the broken pieces of her towards something better. She nods again soberly, her hand tightening around his.

Narrator: A calm settles over you. The elder brain is a menace - but with the Blade of Avernus at your side, you know you will triumph.

-----

(A/N: Glad the narrator is so confident about it. :D The other followup conversation is much shorter; it's also tonally weird, but only in the context of everything happening around it. As it stands alone, it is very cute. :3 )

"The Blade of Avernus. A new name for a changed man. The four pillars finally rise within me - Courage, Insight, Strategy, Justice. I'm not to abide them, but to become them. Ah, but enough reflection for today. I'm of a mind to celebrate. A hearty meal would do the trick. A few hunks fresh venison, a round of brown ale - what do you say?"

"Sounds heavenly."

"Wonderful. You hunt the deer, I'll scrounge up the ale. Prepare your belly for roast a la Blade! Let's hope Gale doesn't take offense if I assume cooking duties, just the once."

(A/N: Hector definitely got extra dialogue here about how Wyll has an ulterior motive for wanting to go to Avernus - hunting down Mizora. I'm not sure why it's not popping for Rakha. But we will leave it with this cuteness because this whole conversation has been weird. :P )

[pinestripe37]

Once was lost, but now I'm Found

✝️Jesus-cember Day 3✝️

(Prompt: Once was lost, but now I'm Found)

+++++++

I once was lost But My Gracious God Sent His One Begotten Son to find my soul.

Lord Jesus came to Seek and Save the lost and now I'm found.

You chose to descend into the trench where I had fallen To lift me back Home with You, Sweet Savior God. Down into the deep to lead me out Up to Your Light.

My Lord left the garden, To come cross the desert, To find me in a dry and thirsty land: Where I trusted in man, tried to fend by myself and wilted. I once was blown like chaff in the harsh dusty wind, but God caught me, taught me to trust in Him. I used to be a lost and withered branch Found stranded in a barren foreign land. grafted graciously by God, I've been returned to the True Vine. Where I can heal, the place my leaves turn green and thrive. While I once was withering in the drought Living Water and Your Life poured out Refresh, restore, revive my heart.

Oh I once was lost… But Christ took on the Cross That I may look upon His Grace and see the Way… (…Be Saved.)

You gave up Your Life To take on and bear death; To reach down and bring me from the grave My sin had dug me.

You built a bridge across the chasm With Your own suffering; Then led me all the way across Gently guided with the Hand that bled for me… You never let me fall.

From vast sin that was unforgivable Ransomed in fullness through Your Blood. You paid the Price for my Redemption, in Your Love, In Adam I once was fallen, But in Christ now I am lifted up.

I once was lost but I'm Sought and Saved, Plucked from the grave, Lifted in Grace, Now I'm found.

How blessed I am to be here not there No longer sinking in death's grip or snared. Blind in the dark, Sin had me bound… I once was lost But with God I'm found.

Oh, I once was dying in the darkness, Now I'm living in God's Brilliant Light!

My Father found me midst the bleakness of the blizzard Lost in the coldness of this world, and frozen with rejection From deep snow drifts Christ's Warm Hands dug me out. He doesn't give as this cold world does, He gives Peace. Home in His Grace my rescued heart does thaw.

I once was living just for me, A lifestyle selfish and lonely; But now I'm drawn so close with God's Grace, Set free to walk in Love and fellowship! Embraced my purpose, and I've found: it's joyful. I once was lost, but now on good paths kindly Called.

I once was lost; adrift at sea. Horizons blurred with doubts of life's validity… But One who walks on water came to rescue me. Filled me with Faith, in His Embrace, My purpose is secure.

How often are we lost in darkness, Wandering aimless in the doubt? Where life seems void of meaning; hopeless questions start deceiving Due to blindness and the dark… Despaired, we struggle to get out, Is this gloom not what lostness feels like. Look to the True Light, to be found- Christ rescues all who call to Him You may be lost But you'll be found, The Savior brings us out to light!

I once was drowning in the dark illusion of abyss… In the deep of my despair. Lost in a sea of bitter tears Sin had me tangled and ensnared, it pulled me down. but God found me in my misery, Saw me and came to rescue me. O my Savior You broke each chain, and wiped each tear, and led me through to You.

I once was chained, Too snared to move. But Your Power broke off all iniquity, so I can breathe, I'm finally free To follow You.

You led me out of the dark woods Of the valley of the shadow of death Where I once was lost. Darkness surrounded my wandering form; Impending doom… Loomed. It was my sin that led me here. I left myself with no way home. And yet You left the ninety-nine You saved me just in time, Still called me Yours. I once was lost, But God has always cared.

I once was lost but Christ called me by name; And belonging to the Loving Shepherd I'm Saved, You're the One who Redeemed me.

For I once was like a lost sheep going astray, We've all been lost, every one, in our own way. But when the Lord Himself bore all our sins upon that tree… I have been now returned To the Shepherd, rightful Owner, Overseer of my soul.

As a Shepherd bravely climbs through piercing thorns to reach the sheep Christ wore those thorns to rescue me, a crown of my snares on my King.

Stream of light breaks through brambles; Lord Jesus! I'm found. With strong scarred Hands I'm caught -Caught by my Savior through His Cross!

With loving conviction You remove every briar, every lie. Where thorns of doubt and sin have torn me, You gently bind my wounds with faith In Your Care I'm finally safe. Carried Home in Your Embrace…

On my own I was so so lost But now each step with my Lord I walk. No longer lonely when all the way Your Gracious Spirit gently guides me.

Your rod and staff they comfort me; kept found in loving discipline. My life led out from chilling shadows to the sunlit narrow path. As long as I follow my Shepherd and Savior, I will never be lost again.

I once was lost in barren lands; Now safe and found In my Good Shepherd's Hands.

I once had starved, in scarcity. Restless, dissatisfied, unsure, and empty. But those who come to Christ shall never hunger, Those who believe shall never thirst again. I once ran dry But now my cup is filled to overflowing! I've found I find my Daily Bread in Faithful Hands.

On my own I would have died, But my life is found in Christ.

I once was lost, unseeing through the heavy fog of doubt But graciously, my God has led me out…

He brought me out from cold darkness Into the lovely warmth of Christ the Light.

Darkness once had me blind But Jesus opened my eyes. The beauty of love and of holiness unfolds in front of me… In Your Light I see Light! (Once was blind But now I see)

I once was lost But then I met Jesus He found me in the valley, He's all I've ever needed, …I'm Home. Never to be alone. (And never lost again for my Lord never loses His Own.)

I hear my Lord rejoice Over me with His Love; His treasure He has found. For I was dead and am in Him alive again I was lost and am now found.

Jesus you are Worthy to be praised! You're the only One who truly Saves! I was once dead in my trespasses But now I live in Your Amazing Grace.

I remember wandering on my own, lost and struggling to belong But now I'm His and now I'm Home. Living with my Lord Never alone, Found in His Love, Now I belong. Once wandered homeless But now I'm Home.

No longer lost, With my Gracious God I'm Safe and sound… Forever Found.

[pictopye]

Howdy Folks. Well... THAT happened.

I’m not surprised – if I’m being totally honest… but instead of preaching to the choir on how this country was founded and steeped in all this systemic BS…

I’m going to skip to the better parts:  

I’m glad you’re here – in whatever form that might be right now.

I’m here - for anyone who needs a shoulder, a reassuring word, someone to vent to, terrible puns, dad jokes, chatting about fandoms, weird facts about random things, just to talk, or just some 38 year old trans/autistic wisdom.

If you need help – I will help with what’s in my power and ability to do so. If I can’t I’ll gladly help you find a point of contact with who might better be able to.

It’s ok to feel how you’re feeling right now - Be it hurt, fear, anger, pain, wanting off this gods damned rock – it’s rational, and absolutely normal to feel so many ways right now. Just don’t let it linger or lead you into despair and apathy.

You are important and are capable of so much! We all have unique skills, abilities, and interests that connect us together and those connections with others can do great things.

Please make sure you take care of yourself and your loved ones.

And If you don’t know what to do from here:

Look into joining a mutual-aid group, or helping build one in your area.

Help by listening to, learning from, and supporting our marginalized communities. Many of these folks have been living this reality and fighting against it with aplomb far longer than some of us have been alive.

Build community and connections with each other online and/or in person locally.* (*ALL action is valid. If you are handicapped, have a health condition, limited transportation, just flat broke don't like people, whatever the reason you can’t do in-person; there are ALWAYS other ways you can help. Communications, marketing, art, social media, online outreach. Trust me, any organization local to you is happy to have any and all support even if it’s from behind a computer screen!)

ALWAYS choose care and compassion.

Please wear a mask. This is self-care and community care in such a basic format.

Don't sacrifice your joy and passions to the doom and gloom.

Working to the bone, doom-scrolling the news, and burning yourself out trying to do/help 'ALL THE THINGS' helps no one. Taking care of yourself includes finding a good balance between activism, the necessary tasks we have to do to survive, our connections/friends/family, and downtime - that keeps you safe and healthy.

[fictionkinfessions]

I'm here to spread positivity to Junko Enoshima's! Both as a non despair double but mainly as Chiaki Nanami, who is who I'm shifting into!

Non despair Junko's: I love you! I know that it's sometimes easier to hide the kin, as people assume you did things you didn't, but I see you and you are valid! Anyone complaining about how you're not "really" Junko at her core because you weren't like canon Junko is wrong! There's more to canon Junko than her despair; that's a big part of Danganronpa's message, that they're more to the world and the people around you than despair. You're valid! You're extremely cool! You're sexy (if you want to be) because you're Junko Enoshima and that's great!

To despair Junko Enoshima's: I hope you're doing better! I hope you know the world is not just doom and gloom and despair, and that you're living a better life than you were! I hope you know that just like my friends, you are not defined by your worst moments. That you embrace this second chance with no more guilt or regret and look towards the future! Just like SDR2 says to! What matters is the moment, not your past. I forgive you for your worst moments, and I believe you can do better. So I hope you are! You were always, deep down, a very sad girl. I hope you find happiness in this life, outside of despair. I hope you're doing better! I hope you're feeling better! I hope you're acting better! And I know you can be if you aren't, so just keep trying, keep hanging on, keep on keeping on! I hold no ill will towards any of you — I genuinely hope that you all are so estatically happy, that the word despair never even crosses your mind! Ah, sorry, is that cruel? I know my Junko would hate that hope. (She's always hated my hope, though. That's never stopped me from hoping!) But I sincerely hope you have a better life this time, than the one that convinced you that despair was inevitable!

To [DR0 spoilers] Ryouko Otonashi's: I hope you remember every moment of happiness, and that you have that happiness, and that you get to live as you, that you get to live. I hope you find your Yasuke's and I hope you make your peace with them and I hope you can forgive yourself for being your own worst nightmare, for remembering. And I hope you live, and I hope you love, and I hope you find new love or rediscover old ones and I hope you are so happy that you forget how hopeless being alive made you feel as Junko. I hope you get to be Ryouko if you want to be! I hope you get to be whoever you want to be! I hope you are all so, so happy, that you never for a moment think that the world is better off gone ever again, that you ever for a moment think that the world has nothing to do with you - I hope you love the world, that you aren't afraid anymore, but I hope you don't embrace despair in that love anymore either, I hope you hope. And laugh. And love. And live!

I hope you can all forgive yourself like I've forgiven you. I believe in you.

- Chiaki Nanami <3

w

[fabien-euskadi]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged/liked something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers 💕

Oh, my dear, it’s always so good to see you here. Five things that make me happy, you ask? That’s far more complicated than trying to solve all the main metaphysical interrogations of Mankind. Still, I will give it a go, and, once again, try to find a handful of things that make me happy.

Accepting my fate: I will, most likely, die alone. But that has always been the ultimate destiny of free spirits, the will of all those who dare - who dare to live independently, freely. If that is the price to pay for daring to elevate myself above a mediocre (yet comfortable and socially validated) existence, so let it be. But, maybe, there is a chance that I am just being slightly influenced by Saint-Exupery's "Night Flight" - I am re-reading it again, and I am starting to feel like Fabien facing the storm.

Feeling the inspiration, the pain, the love, and the absolute despair that allows me to write poetry. Poems only flow when all starts are aligned, and a very specific state of mind is achieved. Sadly, the state of mental prostration that I am in does not allow me to write anything remotely inspired. I am only alive when I write, and, as I write these words, I am but the remains of what I once was, what I once felt, what I once dared.

Feeling any kind of hope for anything. There is a certain irony in the fact that I am feeling so hopelessly hopeless while living on a parish whose name - Esperança – literally means “hope” in Portuguese.

Walking - alone- on the seaside, while the salt water and the sand gently caress my feet, and the gentle breeze fills my lungs with words to be written. I am confident that, in a few days, I will be able to do all this again.

Those almost imperceptible moments when one feels like there is/was a divine hand - the hand of an interventionist god? - rescuing you from the peril, the fall, the perpetual doom, the end. One of the mysteries of life is: why am I not dead? It was me who saved myself countless times, or there are almighty powers that I simply cannot control? I am master and lord of my own destiny or am I am puppet at the hands of the infinite? While I don’t have the answers, I can only enjoy the fact that I managed to survive against all odds.

(thank you very much – and let me send you a ton of tight hugs)

(and sorry for the dark, almost morose, tone of my words)

[himi-wiz]

Hehe

Chuuya for bingo! <3

(And Dazai, if you want to.)

YOU. YOU HAD TO HUH.

Definitely don't know you anon. And therefore I can lie about it but here we go:

Dazai —

Interesting lad in the most atrocious manner possible. Admittedly I still needed to read the novels but I think Dazai is an odd character which I've never quite gotten completely even from the start of my initial bsd phase at 2014-2015. Now I'm as old as him (which is bizarre to think about) and I get what's going on, I still don't think I'll ever quite grasp what's in his head. He has this apathy and intelligence I will never take hold of as someone who understands that I am extremely an ordinary individual and chooses to remain so — being oblivious and normal — for fear that I would turn out to be as isolated as he is.

I think it's terrifying.

To be too smart and think too much of yourself, to realise you're never going to be normal for you will always reason a way out of your greatest passions and your worst nightmares. And therefore you never truly fear anything nor could you truly love something wholeheartedly either. How could you when you can't trust in anything?

I am fond of the irl author, Mr. Dazai Osamu's dedication to his work of No Longer Human which I did read through ages ago and encounter some memorable quotes. But it's only rather recently I was able to fully comprehend the sheer terror it brings as the protagonist Yozo elaborates on the despair of understanding one's role in life is inevitably meaningless, akin to an insect realising its doom to fall prey to fate in a web full of lies.

Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer "Nothing." The thought went through my mind that it didn't make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy.

— No Longer Human, Dazai Ozamu

And I only have pity for such a being that is unable to unlearn that despair or at the very least, be able to stop, condense and move forward with these thoughts and live with them.

Our BSD Dazai however is given a chance to do so unlike Yozo thanks to Odasaku and it brings a fond affection to see him trying his best. I hope he does find his way and learns to enjoy the difficult journey stumbling around in life. But at the same time, it'll be foolish of me to presume just because he's moving towards the light, Dazai's darkness and general sense of dissatisfaction with people and life would change.

Dazai is not kind, he is not gentle, he's inconsiderate, deplorable, utterly wretched nuisance of a man who can and will use you if he decides it's worthwhile for him to do so, otherwise he has little interest in you even if he can sees through all your struggles and how he could help you, he wouldn't, certainly not intuitively desire so.

And I much prefer that viewpoint for it's more remarkable that Dazai is choosing when he does good. And how he's actively trying to be the side that reaches out to someone else and be there for them. To let himself be tied to people he feels isolated from and be vulnerable enough to take bets and place his trust on the Armed Detective Agency (and Chuuya and Akutagawa) so he could save lives he honestly doesn't care much for. How fascinating.

And so when fans do brush that darkness aside, I can be mildly peeved. But hey, it's still valid and okay to have some fun with just comfort and softness of just wishing happiness for a character you like. It can hard to decipher these layers if you don't know where to look too. Or perhaps am I reading too deep into this? Who knows. Asagiri sure has a way of writing nuances like these and it's so delightful to unpack them.

I still don't understand Dazai on a fundamental level.

That is more of my fault as I am someone who both emotionally and socially impaired so much that I use myself as a medium to "empathise" with people. I merely mimick emotions — like I don't feel sad if someone lost a loved one, I 'force' myself to feel bad if I am that person, I play out the scenario of losing something precious to me and I take that sadness to apply it to the person.

That's how I can predict people well enough, aside from those who are far too passionate in an ideal or passion I can't understand like Kunikida, those who learn to hate everything, and those who comprehend the reasons why they hate and shift to a complete apathy, able to pinpoint all the ways they're wrong — ways they don't fit, they aren't human enough, but are ultimately far too timid and cowardly to work on why they are outsiders and maintain a distance for it's far safer this way.

Dazai is still that person who's terrified of attachment and rejection, still struggling to believe in people more than he trusts his mind and vision of the world around him. And he appears to be doing his best, so perhaps I would fall in love with his character a little more when I finish rereading No Longer Human, the dark era stuff and other bsd side stories.

For now let's see how he'll end up.

Chuuya—

I refuse to elaborate on him.

Suffer anon.

[nalyra-dreaming]

(Spoilers for season 2)

I’ve seen the sentiment shared by the prev anon about Claudia’s recasting before and while I sympathise, I think people shouldn’t despair like that.

The idea people won’t feel anything when we see Delainey’s Claudia die because she’s not Bailey seems a bit short-sighted since we will actually end up with Delainey having more screen time most likely than Bailey had for the 4 episodes of season 1. And that’s not to knock Bailey who was fantastic but think about how everyone loved her work after such a short time, Delainey will have max twice as many episodes (depending on things) and we will see her whole relationship with Madeleine, hopefully potential flashbacks to rue royale, and some of the most harrowing Claudia scenes from the book. We will definitely feel for her, as well for the reasons you replied with including Jacobs performance. Obviously it’s not seamless but as others pointed out as a doomed character being told through traumatised memories of Louis, Claudia’s personality, and now physicality I suppose, appears different all the time in the telling of the story in different adaptations and how biased or not biased Louis memories are presented, even if the writers don’t write in an explicit reference to her change in appearance. She’s going to be just another version of Claudia, and I’m excited to see what she chooses to incorporate from baileys take on her and what new personal choices she might make.

My only real concern is fans being rude about it, and being rude to the actress for any perceived differences to Bailey’s features that I’ve seen sometimes mentioned my people with nothing better to do.

Nothing much to add besides that I haven’t even seen that, I‘ve only seen people being sad that Bailey left (totally valid) and welcoming Delainey.

And I think that is how it should be.

[shinondraws]

I'm seeing so much fear and despair in the art community because people are being put out of jobs or find it incresingly hard to find work. This coming from artists who I always viewed as successful. There have been so many PSA posts about giving up art as a career and having to pursue something else and it's just heartbreaking.

I know that online spaces, especially Twitter, tend to kind of run on fear and anxiety, but I recognize that these concerns are valid and real. It's making me lose the last bit of hope of ever being able to do art full time. It feels like I'm doomed to hang onto a job I don't want. Art is honestly the only thing that keeps me going and I will still do it no matter what.

Balancing everything is hard and I feel like I'm at a point where I need a break or professional help or both. I can't see what I do now to be sustainable and I'm worried about my health in the long run. I'm equally worried about not having a goal to move towards. My day job offers me nothing to look forward to so I have been just chasing the next personal art project, even if I'm constantly short on time.

It fucking sucks.

[onyxandemerald]

Hi Jasper, I'm Unie. 🤍🤍🤍

Can you please help me with your free tarot services please🙏🙏🙏🙏

My sun sign is sun ☀️ moon scorpio ♏ rising libra ♎

I want to ask about my career. I'm trying hard but just getting rejected and delayed and not reaching any targets. Just got up and saw one more project being rejected. At this point i feel so bad. Can you please help me with your reading. I'll gain some clarity and hope.

Please help me out.

Thanks for this services

Sending you lots of love🤍🤍🤍

Good to speak with you, Unie☀️! It looks like you had a typo in your ask regarding your sun sign, but I think I was still able to get somewhere with your moon and rising. Let me know if this is helpful!

I'm sorry to hear you keep running into one pitfall after another in your career. This reading is reminding me of an old Chinese proverb about a man losing his horse. I recommend reading the whole story, but the gist is that you can't ever know what worse outcomes your bad luck has spared you from. Justice XI makes me feel that when opportunities fall through, it means that they simply weren't meant for you. Perhaps feeling the excitement of success prematurely would only plateau your power and capabilities. In situations like this, it's easy to forget but sometimes even things that appear to be negative and uncomfortable in the short-term have a long-term positive effect. Keep reaching.

Five of Cups reversed is a tricky card. It looks like doom and gloom but when you really analyze it, four of those cups are technically right side up from this perspective. It may look bad now, and you are valid in feeling discouraged when life seems discouraging. But know that this is only a feeling, and this too will pass. We must not resign ourselves to despair. A new day will rise. I feel what you desire and deserve might already be headed your way. The signs are subtle so be sure that you are looking on the bright side when it arrives, so it doesn't sneak past you while you're eyes are somewhere else. Take advantage of anything that seems too good to be true and just like his little red ribbon, remember your passions. Remember why you want to be here in the first place.

[gracklefan]

I was addicted to writing kafka-esque stories.  I would like to say that I started writing them before I started reading kafka, but that would not be true.  I used to think that every story needed to have a kind of basic setup. after i read kafka is when i started writing stories where the conflict was beteween the individual and an all-ecompassing, suffused dread. i would like to say i felt moved to write these pieces before reading him, but that was/is not the case. If you feel constatnlyy doomed, what does it mean to feel really doomed? If you’re full of dread how to identify real and present dangers? I felt doomed and concerned about my story and about the vitality of my story and about its ability to survive in the world. And If i could transfer this feeling of doom, into a story…. Well the possibilities were intoxicating.

The squirrel, the squirrel preparing for winter, in central park right where the highway cuts in. I went to the park and I sat on a rock and I was in a footpath. The dead leaves were on the ground and I felt the lowest of low. I oculd not tlel you why. I could not tell you precisely why. I watched the squirrels and they were acting particulalry strange. And seeing them - about three- plotting and scurrying in three different patches - i felt entertained. It was the despair that one could only feel with the strength of midday. In the park the carriages, with their laminated price signs, and the park ‘regulars’ who spoke about different things, about scams, and about how people needed to “read a book.” I walked the mall some times in the park. To have  a good time in the park was a nice thing and a sad thing, because when you left the park, you were no longer having a good time. I removed myself from the place i was at and i went ot the park and i got lost. I could not tell my way out. They still had ice skating at the park, although it was so warm. They played music at the rink, music which when it swelled over the kind of natural bowl shape of the land the rink was in, did somewhat cheapen the experience of being in the park. I swore i’d been to the park many times before, as a child, and as a tourist, and it had this heartbreaking inscrutabiliyt for me, this sense of the passage of time which hurt almost, i remember walking over the same swells of the park as a child and wondering where we were, accepting it, all unconsciously. I felt in pain to be in the park among the waxen leaves, and the bench dedications, and the busts. I felt alone in the park because no one would ever come up here with me. I felt grief in the park for the life I was living which no one understood and was always trying to talk me out of. I felt stupid in the park, just a dunce with no cap. I had to remind my self i did not do things for external validation or merit. I did them to do them… i swore i couldnt even think, i felt so crippled by the pain and by the intensity of my deprivation. I felt so crippled and diminutive and stunted by my life and mind, and felt like i was a plant growing itn the shade. In the park i imagined taking your kid here to play, and that kid growing up and having these dismal thoughts. I wondered if my pain was needless. I wondered if it was a sign 

[anvoo]

I really don't know what to name these crazy long posts, but hey, let's restart our journal series. 13.09.2023 -

Hey, it's been a while.

I have my little YouTube video open on the side right now of a window and a thunderstorm outside. There was an actual thunderstorm in Aachen where I live yesterday, which reminded me of this.

My sleeping schedule has been really terrible, but in the past few days it's gotten a lot better, and I'm hoping that tonight I'll be able to get some decent rest.

I'm definitely worried about the exams but I'm trying my best to prepare for them.

Mentally I'm not doing great. It's like, I want to write more about it but it just feels overwhelming to do so. There are moments when I'm just really numb and disconnected from everything.

Lio wrote me back the other day, it was nice. He's also really busy and stressed about the exams; this week he's in the Netherlands (I assume with his mom), but he'll be back in Aachen next week.

I fear for my sanity and mental well-being sometimes. I fear my reactions. I guess, it's reasonable to be. You never really know what the future holds or what will happen, but you can somewhat assume or predict what your reactions could be. Luckily though, it is also something that you could influence.

I don't really know what to say.

I feel disappointed in myself. I see no good future outlook for myself. It feels like everything is just fucked and it's all doomed to fail anyways. Why am I even trying, or thinking of trying? Why not just give everything up and die eventually some time in the future somehow? Why not just kill myself now so I won't have to deal with any more suffering?

I miss Cat. I feel like I want to reach out for a distraction, for any semblance of joy or positive feelings, just anything.

It's despair. Why should I try or do anything? It's not going to work anyways.

I have a funny habit of wanting to mark dates and occasions down.

I also feel like, sometimes I try too much to rationalize, to find a reason, to categorize things, my own habits and psyche, included. It makes me feel like a lab rat, like my own research project; it feels dehumanizing and cold. I don't think I am qualified to do so; what are the things that make up "me"? What things are on the list, and if someone has access to that list, would they be able to perfectly understand or replicate "me"? Genetics aside, it would need to be a comprehensive list or collection of all my experiences, feelings, and thoughts, and it would be ever-expanding for as long as I am alive. I am the only one (at least for now) who has access to those information, albeit pretty poorly recorded and a lot of data's just been lost, but even with all that information, I don't think I am, or pretty much anyone is, able to accurately categorize me, or confidently say that I am "something". It's all on a spectrum anyways. I don't think it's pointless to try and find patterns or reasonings behind a person's actions or thoughts (all the personality tests also), but take it with a grain of salt.

I am a "procrastinator"; I am "validation-seeking"; I am this, I am that,... Some parts may be true, some might not be. It feels limiting. Demoralizing.

Let's try not to take things too seriously or let it get to us too much.

It makes me happy to see that pink italics text. Even though it is just me typing those words and changing the format, it feels different. It's like me, but from a more objective point of view, as a friend. I do miss him. He's helped me through a lot of things, and I'm glad that he's around now, and always.

I'm happy I could be here also for you ;)

You know, about Cat right. I am happy that I genuinely love and care for her. I feel like my thoughts and actions showed that, and I am proud of myself.

That's good :) You know that she loves and cares for you also. You're special to one another.

Yeah ;) When she's going through difficult phases in her life, it's harder for her to show me the affection and care that she has for me, but that doesn't mean that it's not there. I know that I am special to her and that she wants a future together, and so do I. I really cherish the affection she's given me; it truly means a lot.

But, that's also only a part of my life. I think that sometimes, I try to work on myself, try to get hobbies and habits and this and that, so that I could supplement and add to my romantic relationship with Cat, but I don't think that's a very sustaintable or nice way to do things.

I want to be happy in my life. I feel like, these things should point towards me at the end. I want to do well in my studies and later career so I'm financially independent and stable; I want friends for many many reasons (friends are nice); I want to get in shape cause it just makes me feel way better about myself (physically and mentally); I want to be more mentally well and emotionally attuned (to be able to manage my reactions and handle what life throws at me); I want a cute girlfriend/wife that I love (cause that adds to my life).

It's good that you want that. But let's get some rest for now. You got a lot of exam prep tomorrow, and also to look a writing some more about goals and such no? Revisit the little diagram thing.

It's time for sleepo yeah. Thank you for being around!

Always, and you're welcome ;) I love you man.

I love you too bro. Goodnight!

Goodnight!

[unforth]

I get that this addition is well-intentioned but honestly no this is very much NOT my point? Because your division of my examples as "not okay because of assumptions" vs "okay because ~exploring faith~" is completely arbitrary. How is it "exploring faith" to write a post the entire contents of which is "[character name] is Jesus to me." (This is slightly paraphrased because I don't remember the exact wording of the post I saw but it was literally one sentence.) How is it exploring faith to choose a Pieta motif when Pieta motifs are ubiquitous in Western Christian settings and the characters being Pieta-ized are lovers, not mother and son? How is it NOT exploring faith to have them celebrate Christmas?

If you're adding a "test" of when it's valid or not valid, then you might as well say it's okay for everyone to do whatever because otherwise what are you going to do, interrogate every creator and say "okay, this one passes, this one fails"?

You missed the point the moment you switched my post to be about the decisions of *individual creators.*

In the end, an individual can always make whatever they want forever. That's the whole fucking point of fandom and, in all my anti-censorship glory, I'd never change that even when people make things I hate out of franchises I love.

But fandom is also a *community* and this is an issue that discussions of racism and bigotry in fandom always hit up against: while the actions of any given individual are fine, it's the collective weight of those decisions that can make Western global north English speaking fandom very uncomfortable for people who aren't white and Christian.

If it were just about "expressing faith" wouldn't we see a proportional number of creations from people of other faiths? I have been in danmei fandoms for 4.5 years and I have NEVER seen them celebrating Hanukkah and only know of two times they were made Jewish...and I know about that because both times exploded into drama fests about how it was inappropriate to do that. Shouldn't we see a proportional number of works of them celebrating THE HOLIDAYS IN THEIR OWN CULTURE? 520 day produces a fraction of the works that Valentine's day results in. St. Valentine. The Christian saint. Check out danmei fandom posting on Qixi in three days and tell me how much content we get. It won't be none but it sure won't be a lot either. It'll break your fucking heart. It sure breaks mine. Repeat this for Halloween vs. Zhongyuan, for any originally Christian holiday vs. any originally Chinese holiday. This happens every single time, because collective English-speaking fandom thinks it's fun to have the characters celebrate the holidays they're familiar with as fans rather than the ones the characters would be familiar with as Chinese people living in China. And again that's fine for any individual to decide but ultimately we're in public, people are making and sharing these things intentionally, people are passing them around, people as individuals and as a group are making these choices over and over and over. Instead of going, "this is unfamiliar to me, I could learn!" they go "this is unfamiliar to me, I will turn it into something familiar to me." And the result is the characters are suddenly as imbued with Christian motifs and themes as all of English-speaking society is.

Meanwhile, there are a fuckton of awesome Chinese myths and folktales and like. I see a Pieta-inspired piece maybe once a month, meanwhile I think I've seen something inspired by the Butterfly Lovers maybe twice my entire time in fandom. (Not that it's a perfect parallel, and not that Butterfly Lovers is religion based, but honestly I'm also a white Westerner and I'm still learned and I don't know a good equivalent to a Pieta from Chinese culture but I'm willing to guarantee there IS one, of a despairing mother mourning her doomed and dead son, thats a feeling any parent can relate to which is why Pietas are so evocative and have become so ubiquitous...and anyway people are turning Pietas into their fave mlm blorbos mourning each other so we lost the mother/son context right out of the gate so I might as well use a Chinese example of doomed lovers as my parallel.)

The goal of posts like mine isn't to shame any individual for what they make nor to demand an explanation or justification from any individual. That's why I used multiple examples and didn't name names. It's not to say to any individual, "what YOU did was wrong," or to another, "what YOU did was right." That would be futile, pointless, and unenforceable.

But in the same way that fans of color spent years pointing out that the literal Nazi ship of two whiny white boys in the third Star Wars trilogy had multiple times more works than any ship that involved the main characters of color, this is about the damage done when individuals *as members of the large group that is fandom* never interrogate their personal behavior and go, "hm, why DID I do that?" And instead go, "I don't need to examine my behavior because I'm just doing this for fun" and keep doing it. Fandom trends are built on the behavior of individuals, and those individuals can do whatever they want forever, but the resulting trends often do reveal disturbing currents of how people feel and the biases of the predominantly white, Christian people who primarily make up English-speaking fandoms.

And I get it. We're all here to have a good time. No one wants to unpack their bigotry while trying to enjoy two guys banging, or two guys celebrating Christmas. But the repeated decision of white Christian individuals in English-speaking fandom to say, "I never need to self-examine or change, ever," or even, "I did self-examine, I think I'm fine, I can keep doing this," results in white English-speaking fandoms being at best very odd and at worst extremely toxic to people who aren't white and Christian. The insistence that this is all for fun and no one has to bring world issues here or make it Serious by talking about racism, Christian-centrism, etc., results in a space that is only comfortable for white Christian people. They get to have fun and have everything be light and fluffy because fandom is a fun place outside real world issues, whereas everyone else just has to accept that they've been rendered an outgroup, to the extent that white Christian fandom has outgrouped Chinese and Chinese diaspora people in fandoms originally written in Chinese about Chinese people who live in China.

The privilege to not get to care about the harm done is a huge part of the problem. "I don't have to self-examine" means "I don't care who gets hurt." It means, "I'd rather everyone who is not like me be uncomfortable and excluded rather than bring real world issues into my happy place." It means "if making this space comfortable for me means others are uncomfortable, I don't actually care." And the people saying it don't do this on purpose (usually). They just have never considered the logical end conclusion of their behavior, and they refuse to do so cause that'd harsh their mellow. But the end result of thousands upon tens of thousands of white Christian English-speakers doing this in a Chinese media fandom is the white Christianization of these Chinese people to the exclusion of everyone else, including actual Chinese people.

No individual is at fault, but fandom attitudes where no one has to consider their role in creating the larger culture create these trends that end up alienating many people while all the individuals say, "well, it wasn't my fault. I was just legitimately exploring my faith!" or whatever.

I'm not asking any individual not to make whatever they want.

But I am asking why.

Why create that specifically?

Why reblog that specifically?

Why NOT reblog that other thing specifically?

Why read, interact with, be okay with, one thing, and not read, interact with, be okay with, another thing?

Why not learn more about a culture you don't know about instead of sticking to the one you do?

Why are you the person who should create that specific piece?

Why are you sharing it? Who do you expect to read and interact with it? Will you get angry if they point out that maybe it wasn't appropriate?

Did you know what 520 day, Qixi, Zhongyuan, the Butterfly Lovers were before this post, and if you didn't, did it even occur to you to Google them? Why or why not?

Fandom people aren't bad. We're doing this for fun, of course we settle in to what is comfortable, and of course we gravitate to what is familiar. What's been depressing to me, as a non-Christian and as someone who LOVES to learn new things about new cultures - danmei being set in a culture I'm not that familiar with is, to me, a feature and a plus, not a bug - why do so many people interact with this media by removing as many of the parts they're unfamiliar with as possible, and why are so many other people okay with it?

And why do people go "lalalala not my problem" when other people repeatedly and loudly have tried to say, "making the fandom - any fandom - more comfortable for white Christians makes it less comfortable for everyone else"?

It makes me uncomfortable every single time I see it, and I'm not even Chinese nor do I follow one of the many rich Chinese religions. Imagine how Chinese and Chinese diaspora fans must feel. Imagine how people who follows those religions must feel. Imagine how people who celebrate those ignored holidays must feel.

It's no one person's fault and it's not about any one person's faith or lack thereof, but that doesn't mean the collective weight of it isn't infuriating and upsetting to anyone who isn't a white Christian. Your addition, turning it into a test of purity of if they made it for ~the right reasons~ is dead wrong and antithetical both to the nature of fandom and to what I was trying to say.

And so I return to the question I posed in my original post: don't yall ever get exhausted making everything about yourselves and your damn religion???

Because more people need to pause and examine why this is happening and what part they play in it, because even if the white Christian people doing this are not exhausted, I guarantee the rest of us are.

Sometimes I wish I could explain to Christian danmei fans just how desperately I wish they'd stop forcing Christian themes onto danmei characters. Of course there is Christianity in China, and of course the authors of these works are familiar with Christian stuff, fuck knows yall have made it impossible not to be. But as a non-Christian in the US I have had to live in a Christianized society my entire fucking life and its so refreshing to be in fandoms where that's. Not the case. At least for canon. And then I'm in fandom and I can hardly go a day without "here's angel/demon art" "here's my fic where they celebrate christmas" "here's how this is an allegory about Jesus" "here's something pieta inspired" "here's a character wearing a cross" on and on and on don't yall ever get exhausted making everything about yourselves and your damn religion???

(And no I'm not making up examples I've seen all the above in the last week alone. The wearing a cross thing happened twice and is what got me wanting to rant, though angel/demon art is what triggered me actually writing the post. Can't folks just stop already??)

[professorspork]

Floating Array Anon here! Those are all really good points! And I'll concede that "weapon" was probably not the best term to use. I just think there's a really interesting debate to be had about the moral implications of creating (or raising) a sentient being for a specific purpose, especially if that purpose involves violence and death. There's a conversation somewhere in there between Penny and Pietro that I really want to see, since Pietro might blame himself in a way for his daughter's fate.

Oh, absolutely! [And here’s that Floating Array post, for those of you just tuning in.]

Part of what’s interesting here is that the show has encouraged us not to think of Pietro that way, because Ironwood is right there. I was going to make a “Penny has two dads” joke about it, but the crux of it, really, is that she doesn’t. She has one boss, and one dad. Whereas Ironwood consistently talks about her like a tool to be used (“Penny is completely under my control”) or a robot as unfeeling as he is (“If there is no Mantle then there is no reason for you not to work with me”), Pietro unequivocally thinks of her as his daughter. That’s what he tells the kids-- “my daughter’s told me so much about you.” Obviously the big crowning moment of this is in Amity, when he straight up says he does not care about saving the world, he doesn’t want her in danger. He wants her to live her life. But that wasn’t an eleventh hour first-time admission. He’s been consistent about this as long as we’ve known him. I’m thinking about his conversation with Ruby in Worst Case Scenario as a sort of prime example. He frets over “what people want to do to my girl,” and then explains:

Pietro: When the General first challenged us to find the next breakthrough in defense technology, most of my colleagues pursued more obvious choices. I was one of the few who believed in looking inward for inspiration. Ruby: You wanted a protector with a soul. Pietro: I did. And when General Ironwood saw her, he did too. 

Every time Pietro talks about Penny in terms of what she can do, her purpose... it’s voiced through other people. The General wanted defense technology. Ruby’s the one who calls her a protector; he just agrees. 

The moral quandary Pietro needs to reckon with isn’t that he made a weapon and called it a girl (see: Rhodes and Cinder), or that he raised a girl and called her a weapon (see: Marcus and Mercury Black). It’s that he was asked to make a weapon, and instead he raised a girl, and now he buries his head in the sand and despairs when she and everyone around her still talks about her in terms of violence and utility. Penny believes she’s not a weapon, most of the time, but she’s a little shakier about what she is, instead. And no wonder, because Pietro’s been dodging the question since day one. He delivered the opposite of what was asked for and then let himself pretend that’s not what happened. Ironwood asked for a thing-- a thing that would stand between Atlas and the darkness, a thing that could protect people... ostensibly so PEOPLE wouldn’t have to get hurt. But Ironwood isn’t squeamish about this because of human cost, he’s intent on it because of efficiency. What’s better, squishy soldiers or an army of combat drones? A dozen tiny Huntsman or one fuckoff giant mecha? Of course he greenlit the Penny Project; it’s all the benefits of a human combatant-- the improvisation, the discernment, the ability to prioritize-- with, as far as he’s concerned, none of the risks. There’s no death for a thing that can be rebuilt, and no pesky feelings to deal with. As far as he knows.

But the problem is Pietro made a person instead, and loved her. But everyone else still needed and expected her to be something else, because that’s what was commissioned. And I don’t know that Pietro knows how to process his own hand in that, and how poorly it went, without framing it as regret for making her, which he absolutely doesn’t. So what would coming to terms with that look like, instead? If Pietro were to blame himself, he’d say something like “I never should have let them use her like that.” But she was made to be used-- he would never have had a Penny to lose in the first place if he hadn’t agreed to make a military asset. There is no scenario where he could have woken up one day and made himself a daughter; he’d never have gotten the funding or materials. He must learn to accept the chicken with the egg. How does he square his complacency with the Atlas war machine with his pride in what he did in spite of it? How does he make amends to someone he doomed by making, when she became so much? I don’t know. That’s not an easy question to answer. Ozpin’s had thousands of years to dwell on it and he still hasn’t figured it out.

Because the thing is, Pietro’s waffling over her purpose got Penny’s sense of identity caught in the middle. She’s getting mixed messages. So many of her most important conversations are about her struggling to figure out if her experience is universal or only her burden to bear. Ruby (and to some extent, Winter) must reassure her over and over: no, that’s normal, everyone feels like that, your emotions are relatable and also valid. She feels so much guilt-- for not being optimal, or for not following orders. She wasn’t able to single-handedly keep the Grimm out of Mantle and therefore ensure everything else could go as planned; she wasn’t able to save Fria; she stole Winter’s destiny from her. If she were what they made her to be, surely she wouldn’t have failed, right? It’s why it’s heartbreaking when she pulls Ruby aside in Refuge:

“I was the protector of Mantle, but now, I am much more than that... and I wish I was not.”

But the thing is, if they bring her back-- and this is one of the many reasons I believe they have to-- she won’t be.

Finally.

This has been the goal all along. Ruby outwitted Ambrosius because she was desperate to get Penny out from under the burden of her terrible purpose-- to do what she’s ordered to, to be at the beck and call of those who outrank her, or die trying. And then Penny went and sacrificed herself anyway, which: of course she did. Because she was taught it was all she was good for, if you want to be mean about it, or-- or because she thought it was the right thing to do, if you’re forgiving. It’s the same thing any of her friends would do, if they were in her shoes. I’m giving you a head start. That’s what love looks like; it’s the choice heroes make. Isn’t it?

But to get at the root of the problem, we have to rewind back further. Penny was reactivated the first time not because Pietro wanted her to be (though surely he did), but because she had a job to do. The contract wasn’t finished; Ironwood wasn’t going to give up on his fancy new toy just because it fell apart. But now? There’s no more Mantle to protect. Atlas has fallen. And beyond that-- her friends don’t need her to be the Maiden, either. That’s a mutable title, and one that has passed her by; they still have one, even with her gone.

So this next time around... she’ll have the chance to process why she made the decisions she did, and to move past it, because she’ll know how much she’s worth to them. Not the Penny Project, not the Winter Maiden, but Penny Polendina.

Which is to say: they don’t need her, they just want her. 

They want her.