#my family is terrible except my siblings and like one cousin

[little-kitty-kanny]

No one needs to pay attention to this. I just needed to get this all out.

So my grandmother (paternal) had dinner at her house today at 3. I was not informed of this until my sister sent me a snap asking if I was going. She sent me this snap like two hours before 3, and I was like, "Um...this is super last minute, and wtf do you mean she's hosting dinner at her house today?" My sister tried to soothe the voices in my head by saying that it was probably a series of miscommunication.

For the first time ever, I didn't go to the New Years Eve party at my aunt's (maternal) house. I figured that my grandmother had assumed I had gone, and that my parents had told me about it. So, I calmed down a little, but I did end up not going due to the fact I didn't even know about it until the last minute.

I need to add context for this next part, so quick deviation. I have been engaged to a wonderful human being for three years now. This wonderful human being also happens to be a transwoman who I dated before her transition, so my parents know her as both her dead name and herself. My partner just brought up that she'd really like us to be married by the end of the year, but that all depends on $$$ and how fast we can throw shit together.

I recently told my grandmother that my partner was going by a new name and the pronouns she/her. I told her that while I didn't expect her to accept it, I wanted her to respect that this is who I love and that my fiance was to be treated with respect. My grandmother's response had been rather...neutral, so I wasn't immediately panicked by it.

Well, I guess I should have taken the neutral response as a negative. My sister texted me telling me they were talking about my fiance, and that my grandmother's house wasn't a safe place.

My sister then apologized to me.

Like she was the problem.

I just...I feel so fucking much right now.

I'm disappointed but unsurprised at the transphobia.

I'm gutted by the fact they can't accept my relationship, and that their so called "unconditional love" has so many fucking conditions.

I'm so full of rage that they can talk shit when I'm not around, but they don't have the guts to say it to my damn face.

I'm scared because my youngest sibling has come out to me as non-binary, and if they can't accept my trans partner, what does that mean for my sibling?

I'm...I'm grieving. I'm grieving that all the things that I dreamed of aren't going to happen. My father isn't going to walk me down the aisle. My mother may not show up to my wedding due to my father. Neither of my grandparents will be there. Maybe one aunt will be there, maybe not because it might cause too much strain in the family.

I won't have a father-daughter dance. I probably won't dance with my mother. My extended family won't want anything to do with me, and my "sinfulness". I won't have holidays with them anymore. I probably will stop seeing them until I'm putting them in the Goddamn ground because I will NEVER leave my siblings to do that by themselves.

I will never have their love and support.

Even after I gave them FUCKING EVERYTHING I HAD.

Even after I took care of their kids more often then they did.

Even after I, as a fucking child, handled and dealt with their emotions.

Even after I held things together.

Even after I tried my damnedest to be PERFECT because I thought that was the only way they were EVER going to love me.

Even after I shoved my emotions down, never letting them see me depressed because I didn't want to be a burden.

I will never be good enough.

I will NEVER be good enough for them.

And I'm so angry and sad about that.

I guess it isn't all terrible though. My sister offered to walk me down the aisle in place of my father. She's also asked about how she can help with the wedding plans. She's also reaching out to some of our cousins (I'm older than them, but they're also adults now) to see if they'd want to come. She was just as upset about this as I was because she loves me and wants me to be happy without needing to conform to her ideas of who I should be.

My little sibling was thankfully taking a nap in the guest room when they (my dad and his parents) decided to talk shit, so they didn't hear anything negative. At least they were spared that discomfort. I'm still worried how this will impact them in the future though.

I am going to be calling their role in my wedding the Wedding Gremlin though. That I'm positive of.

I'll always have them and my wonderful fiancé (who I hope will soon be my wife).

[pixelchills]

Chill's ramblings about the DCA fandom and personal feelings and issues towards TSAMS (both positive an negative):

(I'm writing this like an essay but treating it like a diary, so if I jump from subject to another, it is because I am just typing as the thoughts hit my head. Sorry for being so wordy.)

I simply feel like I need to write my thoughts down, so why not share them with you. Maybe you can validate my feelings or something, I don't know.

Intro:

So, oof, I got a fic rec from @thedenofravenpuff and I'm loving it so much I really wanna draw fan art for it...

But the problem is that it's a TSAMS fanfic and I've sworn to my name I'll never draw anything related to the show because that will make me engage with a part of the fandom I'm not comfortable with.

My biggest issue with TSAMS:

I have such complicated feelings towards the show and its fanbase and I do not wish to make my life and work more difficult because of it as it already is.

My own work and characters are already constantly being compared to TSAMS. When I first introduced Solar to my fic, he was constantly being referred to Eclipse from TSAMS. Now that the show had a character with THE SAME NAME, it has been even worse.

Dolldrop Moon has been compared to Lunar. Even though the dolldrops existed before the youtube channel was even created (and Lunar made his debut much later).

The biggest issue I've had has always been the fanbase, that takes the show as the canon for Sun and Moon from FNAF and uses it as an excuse to harass shippers like me because they think Sun and Moon are brothers.

I've first handedly seen the damage the fanbase has done to some of my friends who draw, or have previously drawn art for the show besides their own AUs and personal headcanons of Sun and Moon as lovers. I'm sorry to tag you, but @kriimhild and @fablekitty : I've seen how the immature side of the show's fans have treated you, I am so terribly sorry you've had to defend yourselves over and over again for things that were not meant to be mixed up.

I have posted some ideas of a possible Animutant Moon and Sun forming a polyamorous relationship with Solar in the future of "My Dear Daffodil" on my personal/adult Twitter account. Someone kept commenting on my posts that I was glorifying incest, because Sun and Moon were brothers and Solar was their cousin.

The post had "Animutant" in it. Not "TSAMS". These comments came from a person saying they were 19 in their profile. So it's not just kids who can't tell not every fanwork is about TSAMS. It's starting to be some adults too.

Vice versa I've had another person comment on my very clearly SFW Twitter how they're following me because I am an adult artist who draws TSAMS incest. I have never drawn TSAMS art. I ship Sun and Moon, but they're never related with family bond, because I love presenting them as lovers.

Why I ship Sun and Moon:

Because I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic love. Every single story I write is always about love.

The only exception to this is the Poppy Playtime comic I am doing. But even then, I was originally planning for a romantic love between Dogday and the Player. Yet, I decided to leave it, and keep the relationship open for any type of representation the reader themselves will prefer.

I used to watch The Sun and Moon Show when it first started airing. I loved their playthroughs. I had a big distaste for them calling each other brothers, as well as some of the first "lore" videos they had. My biggest issue at the time was how Moon treated Sun, though. As someone who grew up with an abusive sibling, it sometimes just hit a bit too hard at home.

But it got better after Eclipse and Lunar appeared. Moon was more caring, and I started to really like his character development. There was one episode where Sun explained to Lunar that he and Moon had simply just "decided" to be brothers, despite not having a canonical relationship.

This actually made me really happy. Because the Old Moon was aroace, the love he felt was simply never meant to be romantic, but platonic. And by making Sun his brother by choice clearly indicated that Sun was always the one he loved the most - in a way that was suitable for aromantic person like him.

And it really made me enjoy the show for a while. Sun is my favourite character, and despite not always liking the way the show presents him, I always feel so much love for him, no matter the AU he is in. So I loved that Moon loved him more than anything, even if it was just platonic. Because I've always been under the impression that the canon Moon loves Sun, and is only under a virus to protect him. For me, the best part of any Sun and Moon AU is to know that Sun is the most important thing to Moon.

Why I stopped watching TSAMS:

And then that Moon I had really started to like, who loved Sun more than anyone else but just platonically, died.

It hurt so much I simply stopped watching the show. I've watched a few episodes here and there after that, but I am having a hard time liking the show the same as I did before.

Partially it's because of the fanbase. Partially it's because I don't find the lore very interesting and some of the stuff a bit repetitive. Partially it's because I am scared to see Sun eventually crumble up into madness, because he has been through so much.

I like the New Moon. He is funny and nice, what I've seen. His relationship with Solar has been interesting, and I genuinely hoped they would've been able to take the romantic route after Moon said he wasn't sure if he was aroace anymore. But as I said, I've only watched a few episodes after the old Moon died, so I don't know either of their characters that much to form any strong opinions about them. I just listen to the Monty and Puppet podcast once in a while and get a little inside to some of the lore that has been happening.

But hey, at least there's fanfics. Which is why I am rambling here today.

Fanfics:

It is a rare treat to find Sun x Moon fanfics that aren't simply just porn, or do not include reader inserts. So since my romance-filled brain needed something to fill the void, I've started reading some TSAMS fics with romance (that wasn't between Sun & Moon) and plot in them.

I know Solar was settled to be a "cousin" to the weird family tree of TSAMS. But I simply crave for Solar and New Moon to be at least queerplatonic. Solar is not from their dimension, no matter how much they decide they're 'cousins' it doesn't make him their real cousin or relative because they're not from the same world.

Sun and Moon are brothers but they technically gave birth to Eclipse, who then created Lunar so Eclipse is technically Lunar's parent and then brother and Lunar is Sun and Moon's brother and... do you see what I'm trying to say?

The family tree is so complicated that I don't think I'm a horrible person for shipping Moon and Solar and reading fics about them. Tell me if I am wrong though.

The FIC that is making me question everything:

So Puffy recommended this fic by @theinfamousdoctorf , "Eclipse Meets His Match".

I'm currently on chapter 40, and I am genuinely surprised how much I am liking this fic so far. It got everything; redemption and character growth, the representation of Sun as the good, glowing angel he is in my mind (for canon, and every AU. He is always perfect in my eyes I love him can you tell lol), slow-burn romance, drama, excitment, plot, jokes and funny moments... even if there are a lot of mentions of sex and sexual pleasure, it doesn't feel out of the place as there is so much more to it too.

Eclipse's redemption to become better and realising he is in love with Sun has been so interesting to follow. Sun deserves the love. I love when Sun is getting loved. I literally ship him with every other animatronic in the games and love it when people ship him with their self-inserts and OCs. Because I love him so much I want him to be loved in every possible universe he is in.

Even bigger bonus to this fic is the second pairing, Solar and Moon, which I already opened up about above. I don't know how much the fic is truthful to the canon lore of the show, but I wish to pretend this fic is the canon now /hj.

I love the characters and how they're written. I love the descriptions of their flaws and hopes and dreams. How vulnerable they can get. How closely they stick together. And as an appreciation for making me tearful and excited about fanfiction in such a long time, I would hope to be able to gift the author some fan art for their fic.

But I've sworn to not draw anything for the show. For my own good. I've got too many awful comments already from the fans of the show despite never doing any art for it. I am just scared it will turn things worse.

End words:

I don't know if creating a new alias would be the right choice. So my main name/account would be spared from the confusion that the show's fans seem to stirr into, where one tsams artwork turns all of the artist' work into tsams.

I don't care if the art style would be recognisible. The artist would be me, but not PixelChills. Just so I could gift something to the author of this fic that is currently saving me from the boredom of being unable to write my own.

Thank you.

(This text has been typed on my phone, so pardon for any typos).

-Chill

[rottenaero]

And also, the reasons behind each pairing

1.Steve, Max, and Will-

C’mon, have you SEEN the SASS? I guess one could argue Dustin should also be here, but his sass™️ is reserved for his brothers. Also, imagine the gossip sessions, like Will ranting about anything and Max and Steve absolutely cheering him on because he is 100% in the right.

2.Eddie, Robin, and Will-

Queer in a small town, Barb could also probably be in this group. They all bash each-other’s crushes until Robin wants to date Nancy, and Eddie starts liking Steve. Will would absolutely still be trashed for his crush on Mike. Robin would still bash on Eddie like have you seen that man? He’ll watch the same movie on repeat until he has to being it back.

Eddie just sighs and is like, I know, he’s great.

3.Nancy, Chrissy,Barb, and Robin-

Barb and Chrissy absolutely needed more screentime!! They were both so aghhh<33 They all kinda band together to do sleepovers and stuff, sometimes El and Max are invited when they aren’t doing their own thing. I just really like the characters.

4.Steve and Gareth-

Okay guys, have you seen that Steve and Gareth cousin au??(Someone please tell me the creator so I can credit them) Steve having another extravagant handshake for Gareth and Gareth always gushing about his cool older cousin to hellfire who is just like uh-huh sure Gareth.

I know theres the idea that Gareth would despise Steve, but also Gareth inviting Steve to hellfire after he got dethroned because Steve was there for his tough times so why can’t he be there for his?

5.Holly, Erica, and Steve-

Lets take babysitter!Steve to the MAX. All the parent call him when their younger kids need to be watched, he watches Holly for the Wheelers all the time to the point where he’s her brother, and she pretends to forget Mike’s name for like a week.

Erica insists only Steve can watch her, because he’s the only one who lets her watch My Little Pony without judging her or treating her like a baby, also because he starts getting into the show. Sometimes Tina and the rest of Erica’s friends come over and rope him into letting them paint his nails. Random days Steve will show up to Erica’s school with some McDonalds for her.

6.Murray and Alexei-

Self-explanatory because c’mon, really?

7.Steve, Will, and El-

Steve ADORES the Byers siblings, they say thank you when he does stuff for them, they are usually never the source of trouble when they go out.

Sometimes Will will just be so nice that it makes Steve feel bad for what he told Jonathan in s1 before their fight, because nobody in the Byers family is a screw-up except Lonnie, who was just a giant douche and a terrible father.

The only thing Steve dislikes about them is their respective crushes on Mike, because are you serious? He’s well on his way to becoming the next town Keith.

8.El and Max-

Also pretty self explanatory, El needs a better role model than Mike, and Max being overwhelmingly confident in every decision helps. Max also tries to make sure El doesn’t push herself to hard. Oh your head hurts? Lets get you some juice, we have this new flavor you’d like. You don’t feel good? Lets take a break. You scrapped your knee? I have a first aid kit somewhere…

Etc etc, Max just always making sure El feels comfortable.

[dismissivedestroyer]

IT IS!! (also I got curious I wanna see urs too later🫂)

On my hc Kevin's family is just him, his sister and their mom, and it's because of her that they don't get along anymore

Karla is like that one cousin that basically WON in life,, graduated in a young age, smart, pretty, sweet, good financially, the whole package, and Kevin isn't any of that

Their mom always compared them two, results: he's not comfortable around her anymore because he gets angry/upset over how perfect her life is and then he's there in a damn candy store💔

They do love each other I promise 😞

OH THERES NO FUCKING WAY I'M ONLY SEEING THIS NOW....KARLA MY DEAREST SHE'S SO PRETTY. Also yeah i feel like that'd be a pretty natural reaction from Kevin, the poor guy.

This was my attempt at creating a sister for Kevin...

Her name's Athena, she's Kev's older sister. She's a lawyer! She's considered the smart and reliable sibling out of the two. Except she's not. She's being blackmailed into working as a mole for the cult to infiltrate and take a hold of the town's justice system too, to cover all the places the Mayor may not have power on. On her behalf, they have some actual terrible stuff on her. She really cares about her brother though, even though she's grumpy and stoic.

[irish-urn]

I absolutely LOVED your response, and I agree! thanks for spending time on it <3 what draws me in about dasey is how complex it is, its forbidden love, “if its wrong I don’t want to be right”, the family dynamic, the drama, the suspense! so it’s always a let down when they hype it up so much and then nothing happens lol I want to see how dasey faces this hardship and how they present themselves moving forward. I’m so curious to hear about your after-LWL hc! I wonder how the family would react now that kids and divorce are involved. I know you’re currently writing a series about this so you don’t have to reveal too much, but how would Casey and Derek handle this as young adults? It’s not all unicorns and rainbows when dasey gets together, there’s definitely a storm coming.

LOOK, I didn't understand Taylor Swift's reputation album before I re-discovered Dasey. But now I do understand; and someone please remind me to put "But Daddy, I Love Him" on my kick at the darkness playlist because... Damn. If that isn't them.

Ohhhh Life With Luca!! You're right, I am writing a series about this — I'm actually writing, like, three parts all at once? (*hides face in shame*). The really interesting thing about the LWL world, though, is that Derek and Casey's priorities have shifted. No longer are they majorly concerned with George and Nora's opinions, but instead they're far more worried about Luca, Molly, Kai, and Skyler's opinions. And, maybe it's just me being a bit of a romantic, but I truly believe the only one of those four that would have some trouble with them getting together would be Luca: and that's because he still has a relationship with his dad. So for his mom to move on would be very painful for him to witness; but he's also very obviously fond of Derek. The six of them just really worked as a unit in the movie, and I think everyone can see that.

I strongly believe that Skyler would do everything in her power to see her dad happy; I actually HC that she figures out his feelings for Casey within weeks of them moving into the Guest House. And as for Molly and Kai -- we never see them even mention their dad, except for one instance where Kai says that "Mom and Dad don't let us swear"; and Molly tells Skyler that she wishes they could be "cousins AND sisters" -- so I think they're far more concerned with everyone being happy and them getting the attention they need than any social weirdness.

SO! With all that being said, I'm working on a part of that series where Dasey are together (because we all know that's where we're headed) and there is drama happening in the background. There's a little bit about how George and Nora did not react well -- to quote one part, "��Unfortunately, Nora and George were not handling this new relationship with any sort of grace, and there was no way they were going to take the kids so Derek and Casey could happily fuck themselves into oblivion." -- and I think Nora and George are choosing to view this relationship as a TERRIBLE REBOUND for Casey and both of them are calling Derek and Casey incredibly selfish and have they even thought about the kids?

(This, of course, made both Derek and Casey livid because, uh? George and Nora got engaged before ANY of them had met ANY of the other family; so who's considering who now???? Where they currently stand in that part of the series is that both parties are giving the other the silent treatment.)

I still think Edwin, Lizzie, and Marti would react the same way, no matter the ages. There's a little bit of concern regarding the children, but as soon as they checked in and saw that Derek and Casey are constantly checking in with the children and being as open as they can about the whole thing, I think they would just... be happy for them.

But Simon is struggling. Simon is struggling because he sees these two as his big BIG siblings, and unlike the others where blood only connects half of them, he IS connected by blood to ALL OF THEM. And, y'know, Casey has been with Peter for as long as Simon can remember -- one of his earliest memories is getting to hold baby!Luca. But Casey is so obviously happy and calmer with Derek, and Derek is happy and HOME so Simon can actually SEE him; so he's trying very hard to get on board. He fails a bit, says some things he probably shouldn't, but he's trying really, really, really hard.

I think, if he were a child, it would be easier for him to adapt. With my kick at the darkness series, for instance, he won't bat an eye — he's never going to remember a time when they weren't together, so he'll just... accept it as a part of his weird family. I'm currently playing with a sequel to "sick with sadness" as well, and he's 9/10 in that story; he finds it weird and kind of gross, but with the middle McTuris' help, he adapts quickly too. I got the sense from LWL that Simon loves Derek and Casey a whole bunch; looks up to them and trusts them, much like the younger three looked up to them in LWD. So I think love is going to win.

The fun thing is, I can actually see divorced!Casey caring a lot less about her mother's opinion about her and Derek because Casey has already been through a failed relationship, one where she tried to do the right thing -- I am a strong believer that Derek took off in LWL canon because he and Casey were teetering on the edge of the knife and someone stepped over the line and the other panicked. I suspect Derek is the one that leaned in too close or said something, and Casey FREAKED, and so he took off -- and doing the right thing didn't last. It hasn't stopped her from loving Derek, nor from him loving her. So why should she fight it any longer? She's already hurt the two of them enough; so what if Nora isn't happy? Casey is an adult living on her own, and she's tired of doing only what she's supposed to. She's going to get it right this time -- very much in the same way Nora is determined to get it right this second time too. Gosh, they really are mother and daughter, huh?

(Any other questions? I'm still not sure I really answered this one correctly...)

[hello-nichya-here]

Lmao someone said Percy's not a well written character bc he's written to be perfect and lacks character flaws 🤣 and their only argument was "even his fatal flaw was being too good of a friend"

Bruh, what. Do these people not know the difference between "Fatal flaw" and "ONLY flaw"?

Did they not see Percy constantly falling for the old-ass tricks the monsters of greek myths pulled because he is too much of a 12-year-old with ADHD to go "hum, maybe I should study the easily accessible information on these creatures that are constantly trying to kill me and my friends?"

Did they not see how he felt VERY uncomfortable with and downright ashamed of Tyson, his disabled friend that he had previously defended from bullies, when he was revealed to actually be his half brother? How he kept trying to downplay their connection when Tyson was not around, because he didn't like being the kid with the "retarded" sibling? Sure, he realizes he was wrong in the end and goes back to being Tyson's number one defender, but it still happened and made him look like anything EXCEPT an ideal friend.

Did they not see him and Thalia, his friend/first cousin, lose their temper at each other so bad they started fighting for real? Did they not see how he had to use all of his strength not to give in when Ares was fucking with his emotions to provoque him into a fight he obviously could not fucking win?

And even the "your fatal flaw is being too loyal" thing - they did not see him literally holding up the whole sky for Annabeth or jumping into Tartarus to protect her, both things that could have killed him? Did they not see him questioning his own side in the war when Calypso asks him "Percy, are supporting the gods instead of the titans because you think they're good rulers, or because they're your family?"

For fuck's sake, what about the parallels with Luke, the character whose deal is being THE traitor? Both of them had a mom that had the ability to see the monsters and godly stuff most people can't see, both had a divine dad that loved them but was not present for most of their lives - including while they dealing with an abusive parent/step-parent - because the gods are like that, and both were VERY mad at said gods for this kind of thing?

It makes sense that Percy was the "loyal one" as a contrast, and the fact that he comes to see that Luke was not fully in the wrong because while bringing Kronos back WAS a terrible idea, the gods DID need someone to look them in the face and say "YOU SUCK", shows that he does need to be more careful with this loyalty thing because being loyal to the wrong person can have serious consequnces for him and others.

Honestly, this "take" strikes me as coming either from people who never read the books and want to trash it for stuff they got no context for, from those kinds of fans that want to out-smart the story by going "THE MAIN CHARACTER SUCKS, ACTUALLY, AND I AM OBJECTIVELY GREAT FOR NOTICING IT"

[doctorho]

New Things, Real Things

HI GUYS! have this thing i just found in my drafts. it was supposed to be a new years thing but i forgot it existed. haven't edited it, so it is what it is. sorry/you're welcome. i promise i'll get to my other wips too, eventually.

happy new year almost three weeks late i guess?

Viktor x gender neutral reader, 4,2k words, no warnings.

There's a fancy gala at the Academy...and Viktor has plans.

Midwinter in Piltover is beautiful, sparkling, and lonely.

There are lights everywhere, warm and colorful, and on cold evenings snow falls and gathers on the rooftops. The days are short and busy as always, and a good chunk of the population seems to temporarily lose their minds, shopping like the world was ending and worrying about cleaning their cabinets and planning to start a new life as if their old lives were going to disappear. 

You worked with Jayce and Viktor, helping with paperwork and part orders, equipment upkeep and other small jobs. In the lab, very few things change; the heating goes up only as much as the regulations for the sensitive components allow, even as the temperatures outside plummet, and extra lights would just be a distraction anywhere near the workspace, not to mention annoying. Besides, it's not like they don't have better use for the power outlets. 

From a scientific perspective, everything went on as it always had, except for the slight changes in temperature and air humidity, and some shipping delays in parts. 

And, well, the parties.

One big, blaring disruption to the routine is steadily approaching; 

The midwinter gala. It was tradition, something that the Academy always did. Something to celebrate, something to light up the long dark winter around the midpoint mark. Give people something to look forward to, a reason to mingle, and an excuse to celebrate. 

You had never been. But ever since Hextech took off, Viktor and Jayce had been invited every year. With colorful opinions of the topic, it seemed; Pretentious. There’s better ways to waste money. Awful speeches, terrible company. Business deals disguised as small talk. Insufferable jokes. Conversations that make you want to tear your hair out. Uncomfortable clothes. 

It’s not all bad, Jayce usually says, the music’s okay, really talented performers every year. 

And the food’s okay. And the drinks. 

And it’s free. 

It’s important to keep up the connections. 

Viktor usually only agrees with some of these statements. 

They both talk about this as if it’s mostly an inconvenience, a disruption in their work, a break  in shipping times and opening hours, and not an event to look forward to. Not something that Academy students dream of attending. 

As the dark days tick by, it’s by pure luck that you find yourself on the guest list, too. It’s not that they ask you to come as much as the conversation just slips there, and one piece falls to place after another, and when Viktor says that he would much rather have you there to talk to than be subjected to the endless rows of pretentious investors, and Jayce says you should totally come, it'll be much better with you there, at that point it would just be rude to decline.

And – sure. Both of them were very honest about the more unpleasant aspects of the party. Like the elitism, the stuffy atmosphere, the way they were always inevitably pulled into some business talk or investor deals or very thinly veiled attempts at introducing them to someone’s child/cousin/friend/sibling that was either single or looking to get into the academy, or both. 

But it was also a shiny glimpse into a life you’d never been a part of, and you were curious. 

As the end of the schoolyear approaches, a lot of the people working and studying at the academy leave to visit their families. It makes the hallways quieter at night, and the courtyard mostly empty, the lines at coffee shops shorter than ever. You weren't planning on going anywhere, and, well. The gala was something…new.

Not that you didn’t enjoy the quiet nights at the lab, helping and tinkering and sorting parts and paperwork with Viktor and Jayce. No, that was nice. But the gala was something new and exciting and shiny, and you were looking forward to it. 

And, to your slight surprise, so was Viktor. 

For all the bad or at least questionable things he had said about the event, he was very precise about planning the lab work so that he would actually be able to attend. Which was…interesting. 

He made sure all the shipments were on schedule, everything that was needed was ordered in, and all the progress was going as planned. He wasn’t usually in the habit of double-checking things with you, unless he genuinely wasn’t sure about something. But now he was triple-checking to-do lists, asking if you’d done this or that already, periodically making sure things were moving as they should. 

He asked you what you were going to wear.

Which honestly took you by surprise, but you’d answered it anyway. 

His answer took you by surprise too; 

“That’s very flammable, isn’t it?” He’d said, as if that’s a key feature of formal wear.

“I’m not planning on being near any open fires,” You’d answered, “I don’t think welding is going to be a part of the party.” 

He’d just hummed thoughtfully at that. 

Jayce had said something about most formal wear being highly flammable, and that had been that. 

You’d chalked that up to just Viktor being Viktor, practical and logical, and hadn’t thought too much about it. The conversation had soon delved into circuit boards, and the night slipped into an easy, familiar dynamic of sitting at your respective desks and heating up forgotten cups of coffee and tea, borrowing a hand where some part or another was difficult to fix. Holding out tools and finding the right components. 

By the time the day of the gala rolls around, the campus is quiet and the city is mostly covered in snow. The lab windows are frosted over, and work has quieted down a good few days before. Viktor’s planning has paid off; everything seemed to be in order. As far as you could tell, you’d reached the set goal in the set time. 

Which leaves Viktor leaning over in his chair, looking everything over for one last time. Jayce had left already, having somewhere to be before the event. This leaves you and Viktor alone in the lab – technically you didn’t need to be there anymore, either, but you lingered anyway. 

“It’s fine,” You note when he opens a small case of components, “you’ve checked those at least three times already.”

He pauses, his hand stopping on top of the case. “Yes.” He says, and then lets out a small sigh. “I know.” 

“But?” You prod, looking him over. He was nervous, and not very good at hiding it. 

He’s quiet for a moment. “But…” He starts, “I just want to be sure that everything’s…” He shrugs slowly, “As good as it can be.”

You nod a bit. “At this point, I’ll be surprised if anything’s out of line.” You point out. 

You weren’t sure of the details of what they were working on, but you knew the ins and outs of the parts; new kinds of circuit boards for different types of machinery. They’d had you order the parts, you’d helped with the wiring, checked any menial errors in the soldering, filed the paperwork. They were trying to create something with a better ratio of efficiency; less lost power. If it worked, it could potentially revolutionize the energy industry. It made sense that he was nervous about it – it was a big project. And this was as far as they’d ever gotten in it. Far enough to have actual prototypes. 

You get out of your own chair and walk over to him, looking at the parts over his shoulder. 

“Do you want me to look them over again?” You offer, placing a hand on the back of his chair and leaning closer to see the tools and discarded parts spread over his desk.

“You’ve done that already.” He notes, without looking up. “There’s no need to repeat that. I trust you.” 

“Then what are you nervous about?”

He takes a deep breath, his shoulders rising slowly. He flexes a hand and picks up a small screwdriver, for no reason other than to have something to fidget with.

“A lot of important people coming to the gala,” He answers, “people I…need to impress.” He swallows, “I am not a fan of being at the mercy of someone else’s opinions of me and my work.”

You nod slowly, and he takes another deep breath. 

“Jayce thought it would be a good idea to present this idea to some potential investors tonight.” He adds, “We haven’t gotten permission to test it yet, so all we have is talk and some equations no-one there will care about.”

He waves a hand slowly over the table. “I know it checks out, it should work, or at least it could if we’d get a bit more practical research done. But that’s not enough to impress anyone. So –” He shrugs again, slowly, “It needs to be…presented in a way that people will believe, even if we don’t have anything real yet.”

“Sure you do.” You counter, despite understanding where he was coming from – he wasn't actually worried about the parts, he was worried about the people. An independent variable he couldn't predict. 

“You have an idea. A plan. You have a concept.”  You list, “That’s how everything starts. Hell, you have a prototype and the math to back it up. And, you know, most people never even get this far. Certainly not any of those investors. Do you think any of them could ever have come up with anything half this brilliant?”

He’s silent for a moment. 

“That’s…one way of looking at it.” He says, and then sighs a bit. “I’m just…not the biggest fan of performative social events. Especially ones with…high stakes.” 

“I get it,” You nod, “but you’ll do great. People respect you.”

He smiles like he doesn’t quite believe it. “People are Jayce’s specialty, not mine.” 

You shrug a little with one shoulder. “Sure, but you could do all of that too, if you wanted to.”

“I’d rather not.” He answers, putting down the screwdriver he’d been fidgeting with and straightening out the case storing the latest parts. 

“Then leave that to Jayce.” You offer casually, “And you just be impressive with the science.” 

He exhales a small laugh. “That simple, huh?”

“You do it often enough.” You note, and then lean back, starting to get ready to leave – you still had to get ready before the party. “Don’t overthink it. Just be yourself. If they don’t like it, they’re not worth your time.”

“You do know they are the people with all the money, right?”

“Yeah, and I also know you wouldn’t feel good funding this with money from corrupted assholes.” 

He takes a deep breath and sighs it out. “Yeah. You’re right.” He then agrees, shifting in his place. “So I’ll meet you here at eight?” 

You barely pause in your movements, picking up your things. “Yeah.” You exhale, “Eight sounds good.” 

You were treading the line of not letting yourself think that this was a date, but…the little things were hard to miss. Like planning to go together, and then spending time together. In an event like this, there were…connotations. 

By the time you get home, shower, and get yourself ready, you’re periodically repeating it in your head like a mantra; no-one said it was a date. 

And then when you find him outside the lab just before eight, you have to keep reminding yourself.

It’s not often that you see Viktor outside of Academy uniforms; it’s like the lab is his natural habitat. Now, he’s wearing a deep burgundy suit that looks like velvet – soft –  his hair is pushed back, without any indents from safety goggles, and he looks good. 

He smiles when he sees you, and that looks good too. 

“You clean up nicely.” You note as you walk to him.

“Same back at you.” He answers, “You look…” He trails off, his eyes falling over you.

In the small silence that follows, you remind yourself once again that nobody said it was a date. 

“Thanks.” You answer, trying to sound as casual as possible, “Shall we?” 

He exhales deeply and nods, starting to walk next to you. 

The party is…exactly as you'd expected. Sparkling, and shimmering, and loud. Full of people you only sort of recognized, all of them acting like this whole thing was somehow removed from reality. Like this was its own little world, and they alone ran it. All mundane worries were left by the door – inside, all they had to worry about was a place to set down their empty classes when someone with an empty tray walked by. 

The ceilings are high in the old academy halls, and the equally tall windows reflect lights from the party, backlit only by the night sky. You could hear the music flow through the air all the way outside, overlayed with a mixture of people chattering and laughing, but only when appropriate – at least with the night this young. You had a suspicion that as time went on and people got progressively more drunk, the atmosphere might change.

When you walk in to the main hall, Jayce is already there; you can instantly spot him talking to some people, waving his hands in emphasis as he speaks. It's easy to slip into his sphere of influence, catching the tail end of some elaborate story that had, no doubt, started out as an answer to a question about hextech. 

Most people in the room seem to have gathered into small groups, either mingling or honing in on the food and drinks, and the only thing unifying the whole room are some speeches and announcements. You don't really listen to them – it's nothing imaginative, thank you for a great year, let's work together to make the next one even better, and so on and so on. You tune it out pretty quickly. 

Jayce and Viktor gathered quite the crowd whenever they started talking about their new projects, and you tried supporting them the best you could. But you weren't an expert, so you lingered by the sidelines, only offering smiles and quick notes when one of them couldn't remember a specific detail about something you'd helped with. 

You can see that Viktor is uncomfortable, with the way he stands, his back all stiff and his hands fidgeting, and his eyes flitting over the room. So you offer him an encouraging smile every time his eyes find you. He seems to slowly get used to answering questions about the project, which is good – it lessens your anxiety about the situation too, somehow.

As soon as the crowd dissipates and the topic gets dropped for some boring speech or a toast or a nomination or whatever, Viktor slips to the edges of the crowd, finding a spot next to you and sighing so deeply he looks like he deflates. 

"It looked like it went well." You greet him, and he smiles faintly without meeting your eyes, looking over the room instead. 

"People seemed…interested." He answers, nodding a little.

"That's good." You nod back, "Any further deals?" 

"Jayce is sorting out the details now." He licks his lips, "I thought it would be best if he took care of that. He's more…likable.'

He says that like it's a fact, and you kind of want to argue, or – or something, but he snaps his head up, looking at you so intensely that it makes your train of thought stagger.

"Do you want to help with something?" He asks, voice quiet, and his eyes locked to yours.

You blink. "That's vague," you point out, "but if it'll get me out of having to listen to another boring speech, I'm in."

He smiles a little. Nods, just slightly. 

And drops his hand into yours, just for long enough to pull you towards the closest door.

It's easy to slip out of the crowd and into a hallway. People were too busy worrying about themselves, no-one even looked your way. 

He drops your hand just as casually as he had taken it, in one fluid motion, and opens a door, motioning for you to go inside. 

You're burning with the desire to ask what he was planning, but he was quiet, and you weren't dumb; this was something silent. Something he wanted to do without other people noticing.

So you stay quiet until he closes the door softly behind you. 

"What are we doing?" You whisper as he walks past you and to a desk, without turning on any lights. The whole room – which is more of a closet than a room, really – is only lit by emergency exit lights, and a few computer screens. 

He settles behind one of the computer screens, and you can see him lick his lips. "Remember when I said we needed to do a bit more practical research?"

You walk closer slowly. "...Yes?"

He smiles and glances at you, before looking down at the screen again. He leans to the table a little, setting his cane aside, taking a small box from his pocket and digging out a circuit board. 

He rearranges some things on the desk, moving wires and turning on some small device that whirrs more loudly than the computer itself. You just watch the process quietly for a moment, puzzling it out in your head.

"You couldn't just come here during working hours?" You ask, even though you're 99% sure that if he could have, he would have, and if he did this, he had a good reason.

"The Academic board doesn't think we're ready yet. They say it would be a waste of time."

You nod slowly, trying your best to ignore the hollow, tired bitterness in his voice. It's the kind of ice that seeps in after being rejected many times; after not being believed in. 

"So. No-one knows we're here?"

"Jayce does," he answers, while doing something on the computer, typing in something before setting the circuit board on some sort of a gently-glowing plate, "he's keeping all the important eyes and ears busy." 

You nod again. Move a bit closer. Look over the setup, despite not understanding all of it. "Can I help?" You ask, "What are we doing?"

"Keep an ear out in case anyone comes in." He answers, his eyes on the screen and his fingers running over some wires, securing them in place, "And I'm running a test on how the circuit would handle high power levels."

"How high?" 

"Nuclear fusion." he answers, like it's a totally normal thing to say. 

"Nuclear-" you start, shocked, and he looks up at you, pausing in his movements.

He meets your eyes, steady and intense. "I would not have brought you here if it wasn't safe." He says, his voice unwavering, "We're not going to actually run that sort of power through this, think of it as more like…a simulation with…some real-life components."

You blink at him. "You could have lead with that."

"Sorry." He says quietly, and goes back to setting something up on the screen. After a moment, he shifts a little, and nods towards the screen, "Do you want to check if this looks right to you?" He asks, "be my second set of eyes and all."

You step closer, leaning next to him and looking over the screen. There was a digital model of the circuit board, emphasized by different colors and some running stats at the side of the screen. Your eyes move over the usual potential issues – looking for broken connections, faulty components, badly attached wires. Counting things, making sure there weren't empty slots.  

You nod slowly. "Looks right to me." 

He nods back, and presses some buttons, and the simulation starts running. The device where the actual circuit board was connected to lights up, and a progress bar appears on screen. 

Viktor sighs, deeply. 

"Now we wait." He says, "The reason they don't give out permissions to use this easily is that it is slow and takes up a lot of bandwidth from other systems in here. But no-one is using any of that tonight."

You nod a bit. "And you just couldn't pass by an opportunity like this." 

He smiles a bit. "Would you rather be out there, listening to someone tell a story about how they just spent more money on a vase than you've ever seen in your life?"

"No." You sigh, and lean to the desk next to him. "Thanks for saving me."

"Anytime."

He reads over some sort of progress report on screen, scrolling through code that you couldn't understand most of. 

And then you hear footsteps. Uneven, heavy – unknown. And they were coming closer. 

Viktor hears it the same time you do. He looks up at you, eyes wide for a split second, and you can practically see the cogs turning in his head. 

You weren't allowed to be there. You weren't sure how bad it would be if you got caught, but it probably wouldn't be good. 

Time seems to stretch and compress between each heartbeat that hammers through your chest. Between each unfamiliar footstep.

One, Viktor shakes himself out of the shock and minimizes the simulation window, leaving just the standard desktop that had been open when you'd walked in.

Two, he takes a step away from the computer, and closer to you. 

Three, he leans closer, caging you between him and the desk, whispers a quiet please play along, and then he kisses you. 

He kisses you. 

Your mind catches up to this, and everything else that was happening, piece by piece. 

He wasn't really kissing you – but he was, and it was heaven, his taste was intoxicating and his body was pressed against yours and he was filling all your senses and his jacket was soft under your fingers, his lips soft against yours – but it wasn't real, it was a distraction, play along, he'd said, it was a play, for whoever was behind that door, it wasn't for you –

He shifts, pressing closer to you, exhaling a small sigh, and the contradiction of it is torture. Torture you wouldn't give up for anything, because now you had this, you knew what he felt like, what he sounded like, what he smelled like this close, what he tasted like, but it wasn't real, and that hurt like having something in your heart uprooted. 

The door opens and closes with a quick flash of light, and a foreign voice blurting out a quick Sorry! before hurrying away. 

You have to suppress a whine when Viktor pulls away. You had kissed him back, of course, but – it wasn't supposed to be real. And yet you miss it instantly. 

He doesn't move much. Just enough to give you room to breathe. Just enough to look you in the eyes. 

"Sorry." He says, "I…thought that would be a…perfectly understandable and entirely legal reason for us being in here." He explains, looking away. 

Sorry. 

He had kissed you, and he dared to apologize. 

He had kissed you, and it hadn't been real. 

He had kissed you, and he hadn't known if you wanted it. 

You can do nothing but swallow and take a slightly-shaky breath. "It's okay." You answer, voice light, "I was just…surprised."

He takes a deep breath, shifts back to look at the screen. "Not what you were expecting when you followed me in here?" 

"No."

He sighs. "I'm…sorry." He says again, slowly. "For crossing any boundaries. I would have asked but–"

"Viktor." You stop him, "I get it. You don't need to apologize. It was fast thinking, I get it." 

Then, you let out a quiet laugh. "Like you said. Good excuse for us to be in here." You smile, "Honestly."

You sigh a bit, too. "People will talk though. You think they recognized us?" 

"It's pretty dark in here." He answers, "But it wouldn't be the worst rumor to have circulate."

"You wouldn't mind having people say you habitually hook up with people in closets at parties?"

"Who said it's habitual?" He counters, "This is a sample size of one." He notes, glancing up from the screen briefly, "I'm saying that I wouldn't mind having people say I hooked up with you in a closet at a party." He looks back at the screen, "Unless you're opposed to the idea, of course. In which case I apologize."

You just look at him for a few seconds. 

"I'm not." You answer, "Opposed to the idea." You swallow, feeling like this conversation was suddenly far more serious. Far more…real.

He hums out thoughtfully, picking out a few wires and unplugging them, having finished at least some part of the simulation.

"So if you're not opposed," He says, words slow, "how do you feel?" 

You swallow again. "Well, for one, I think there's better places to hook up in than closets," You answer, "and I'd prefer it not to be an act. But you're right, there could be worse rumors. And…it does make sense. We came in together. People already think it's a date." 

He nods, and hums again, thoughtfully. 

Looks up to meet your eyes. "So if you're not opposed to the concept," He says, slowly, "and you'd prefer it not to be an act," he shifts in his place a little, "would you like it to be real?" 

Time stands still. 

Until you whisper yes.

[shipcestuous-two]

How I Live Now

At long last, I finally managed to borrow my library’s copy of How I Live Now. I read your thoughts on the movie ages ago, but I haven’t seen the movie myself. So here’s my thoughts on the book!

First of all, shipping aside, I love Daisy’s narrative voice. She feels so much like any normal 15-year-old girl–mostly concerned with herself and her friends/family, compared to what’s going on on a nationwide/global scale–and so it makes for a really unique experience with the events of the novel. It feels a lot realer for that reason. Like, “sure there’s a war going on. I am concerned with hanging out with my English cousins and being without adults for the first time in my life and smooching a cute boy every chance I get (who also just happens to be my cousin). Also we have a kind of psychic soulmate connection.” You know, just normal teenager stuff. Except the last bit.

You mentioned that in the movie, there’s no commentary on “this is wrong, we’re cousins, we can’t” and how refreshing that is. The book is similar enough to that. There’s maybe a few mentions of how society would frown on it, but it’s not just the cousins thing. Daisy reflects that people would maybe be unhappy with her and Edmond hooking up every chance they get because they’re “too young and too related,” as if them being 15 and 14 respectively is just as much an issue as them being first cousins. It doesn’t seem to bother either of them on a personal level, just a vague background realization that other people wouldn’t like it.

(And of course, Piper and Isaac–2 of Edmond’s siblings/Daisy’s other cousins–are aware of it and don’t care. Piper is quite encouraging of it! We love her for this.)

Also, it subverts the usual incest trope of “this is only happening because we’re in a screwed up situation.” There are sparks between them from the second they lay eyes on each other. Sure, the situation probably speeds up the process of them getting together, but that’s more because they’re without adult supervision. It happens before the war stuff gets really bad, so it’s basically just the expected result of leaving two teenagers who are attracted to each other alone unsupervised (except by one’s oft-absent and barely-older brother).

Speaking of the attraction at first sight–I think you mentioned that in the book, Isaac is younger than Edmond? In the book, they’re twins, and other than their eye colors, they’re basically identical. Which I feel makes the Daisy/Edmond attraction more special. She isn’t just attracted to him because he’s handsome, or else she’d be hot for both the twins. She falls for Edmond because of how caring, attentive, and special he is as a person.

Even if they’re so young, it’s clearly not a fleeting crush. As evidenced by the fact that, even when Daisy is forced back to America for 6 whole years, she never finds anyone else, and vice versa. They’re still thinking about each other, imagining a future together, until at last, England finally opens its borders again and Daisy can finally come home to Edmond and the others.

You also compared the two to Katniss and Peeta from The Hunger Games, and that’s a really good comparison. Even if Daisy starts as an everygirl, she grows into a survivor–she keeps being jerked around by adults with power over her, but still moving forward and living on for the boy she loves and her little sister figure (more on Piper in a bit). And Edmond is so insightful and too kind-hearted for such a terrible war, and those events and being separated from Daisy break him apart. But in the end, they help put each other back together again, falling right back into place even after 6 years apart. It’s a wonderful love story that I’d ship even if they weren’t cousins, but they are and that makes it even more special!

Anyway, if Daisy is Katniss, then her youngest cousin Piper is her Prim. They’re cousins by blood, but become sisters by circumstance (Piper directly says Daisy is the sister she always wanted–not to mention, they’ll also be sisters-in-law one day). Their relationship is the focus of half the novel, when Edmond and Daisy are separated, and their bond is so sweet.

I do feel weird shipping it since Piper is 9 and Daisy is 15, and even at the very end, Piper is only 15. But I can at least see Piper as having a one-sided crush on her cool older cousin who’s always looking out for her. I mean, could you blame her?

And thankfully, unlike a certain other series we’re paralleling, they both survive. A really touching line near the end of the book is when Daisy says, “By saving Piper, I saved myself.” If Daisy had been alone, she probably couldn’t have kept going, but she had Piper to take care of. Piper to keep her pushing forward, to keep her occupied and keep her spirits from sinking too low. Neither of them could have survived without each other.

Even when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, they also fall right back into the same sisterly dynamic when they’re finally able to meet again, even if Daisy also doesn’t recognize her at first, with how much she’s grown (I feel like it’s a deliberate choice by the author to make Piper now the same age as Daisy was when the events started, but that’s not relevant here). Piper has been forced to take on the role of an adult far too young, just like Daisy and Piper’s brothers did, and it sucks but at least now, she can have Daisy back for support.

Also adding to the Prim parallel, I love how Piper and Daisy’s personalities are different but complement each other well. Kind of like Prim, Piper is simultaneously the sweetest human being ever (especially in her narrator relative’s eyes) but also wise beyond her years, serious and devoted to taking care of other people. Her kindness endears people to her and Daisy, even when Daisy is more aloof. And even if Piper is young, she’s always looking out for people just like Edmond.

(The siblings’ relationships–while we don’t see as much of them–are still compelling in themselves, and if not for Daisy, I’d probably ship at least one pair of them. They’re sweet and have a lot in common. Not to mention that one spoilery thing where Isaac and Edmond disagree on whether to leave the group they’re with and fight for what’s apparently the first time ever, and it’s really difficult.)

sorry to talk at such length. I planned this to be half the length, but I just finished the book and I have so many thoughts. It’s a quick read, yet it has quite a lot to say. Even without the shipcest, I’d give it five stars, but the fact that we get a Katniss/Peeta-esque love story between cousins–and it’s never really viewed as an issue!–makes it incredible. Six out of five stars from me.

I was just looking up on the movie and a couple more changes: Isaac lives in the book. and also, I mentioned the 3 siblings have an oldest brother Osbert who's 16. I do see why they cut the latter from the movie for time--he isn't that relevant--but I don't know how I feel about the movie making the choice to kill Isaac. Maybe just to intensify Daisy and Piper's despair? but killing one twin (as they are in the book) is always too mean for me

--

[my movie commentary]

Thanks so much for sharing all of these thoughts with us and giving us a book report on the ships. It’s always really interesting to learn about the book, and differences and such. Sounds like a good read and what we like about the movie is in there. 

The sisters/cousins relationship between Piper and Daisy is really sweet, too. 

What a treasure this story is.

[arktaisch]

Terrible OUAT thought of the day

(Of course I should just be writing words that go in the story I’m currently working on, but no, I’m in the “I hate it, it sucks” phase plus the “Why isn’t it done yet? I want to work on something else, preferably not more fanfiction but I’m lying to myself” phase, so here I am, being distracted and not typing in the file I have open in the other tab.)

Rumplestiltskin really is a female-coded character (and it’s only getting worse in my stupid fanfiction, LMAO).

In this case, what I mean is that he invests so much into his one (and later, another one after the first is dead) child. And for that, he has such a risk-averse approach to life (‘cowardice’, ‘paranoia’, ‘over-protectiveness’) — a loss would devastate him utterly (and it did! Damn OUAT!). Fitting that he is a wizard, since that’s the sensible approach to being a wizard (though as the Dark One he could be the tank, I’m sure the powers that be would squash him as quickly as my wizard got killed that one time he had delusions of fighter-hood).

It’s extraordinary how he does NOT cut his losses and abandon Baelfire (except that one crucial moment when he let go), but works for centuries to find him again, when the ‘normal’ thing for a man to do would be to move on (just like Malcolm did and suggested that Rumple do, and Hook’s father did). His dedication really impressed me on a personal level, since at least three men in my family did in fact leave their wives and children and then start new families. None of them made any effort as far as I know to reconnect (to be fair, they might as well have jumped through a portal into another realm considering the circumstances). One set of offspring/father became known to each other again decades later through a bizarre turn of events, another contacted their half-siblings later in a more mundane way. So yay for surprise!cousins, I guess.

Well, but since I am so entrenched in the whole heteronormative/gender binary mindset yadda yadda yadda that must mean I gotta make Belle more male-coded… I suppose I did, in some ways!? And canon already leans that way.  I mean, adding more magic to the Belle ‘yang’/light and Rumple ‘yin’/dark was me, but… Canon has Belle being the one to be more impulsive and daring (she is the one going “do the brave thing” and hero this, hero that, so eh…) and just look at Lacey hitting on everything in sight (and telling Gold to kill that inconvenient kid from the prophecy, the one NOT genetically related to her)… even without a Lacey in my story, she’s still an aspect of Belle. Not to mention the whole Belle/Will Scarlet thing (unlike the Gold/Regina business in s6a, Belle seemed to be into Will sincerely and with no ulterior motives).

And it was Belle who handed over her baby to the Blue Fairy!!! I know it was just to make the idiotic backwards plot with Cloaked!Rumbaby vs Emma work out, but still…!!! It suggests a certain carelessness with her offspring to me (never mind sleeping-cursing herself+baby, or her plan to run away to the Enchanted Forest, not noted for its advanced medical care, even worse after all the Dark Curses), only a few steps above dumping them into the Magic Cyclone Adoption Center.

[deciduouswaves]

So first, this:

"Those things don't evaporate once we transition they're fucking internalized. I constantly have to remind myself I'm allowed to exist. We don't stop dealing with misogyny."

I feel inadequate at expressing this to a stranger, but: I sorrow for the wounds in your heart caused by years of harms, and the wounds that are continuously inflicted by a transphobic world determined to see us as whichever gender allows us to undergo the most harm in the moment (as seen by some women's only shelters not admitting trans men *or* trans women).

And then, excuse the academic enthusiasm, but:

The post as a whole shows an overlap between the experience of trans men and trans women which might be useful for understanding trans socialization as well building community:

I was seen as "unusually nurturing" and so ended up doing a lot of free childcare not just for my siblings and cousins but for other kids in my church community.

I was seen as fastidious so I was given housework my cousins and siblings were never given as young as I was, and sometimes they were never given those chores as long as they lived with family.

Nobody told me directly not to take up space but those messages existed around me and I knew they applied to me despite the fact that the speakers did not, so for instance I always kept my backpack on my lap so it wouldn't inconvenience anyone, and kept my limbs close to my body when seated.

Nobody externally applied feminine beauty standards to me individually, but those standards existed around me and I knew I wasn't reaching them (and didn't have the skills to reach them), and so my parents were baffled when I considered myself ugly, because I was using a different rubric than they were.

I knew the modesty standards of my church should be applied to me if they should apply to anyone, so I followed them, and didn't show flesh between neck and knees except for arms just above the elbows down.

The being pitted against other girls is the one item on the list which is unfamiliar to me.

I was peer excluded from "male" activities as well as "female" ones, because boys perceived me as feminine and girls saw my haircut and clothes (and later, masculinized body) and decided my femininity was insufficient to overcome those aspects of presentation.

And by the same coin I was certainly treated as lesser by the cishet boys: the words "freak" and "fag" came up a lot once I got to middle school, as well as girl being used as an insult (that one - for *some* reason - wasn't terribly effective).

And while I do think it's interesting and a basis for shared understanding between trans masc and trans femme folks to think about how being "socialized trans" has a lot of overlap regardless of AGAB, I also want to return to the beginning of the previous post for a moment:

"I feel like people forget most trans guys still had to grow up as girls."

May more trans folks be allowed to grow up as themselves in the future.

I feel like people forget most trans guys still had to grow up as girls.

We were still forced to be mature early

We were still told to not to take up space

We were still subject to female beauty standards

Our bodies were still treated as inappropriate

We were still pitted against each other

We were still excluded from “male” activities

We were still treated as lesser the boys

Those things don’t evaporate once we transition they’re fucking internalized. I constantly have to remind myself I’m allowed to exist. We don’t stop dealing with misogyny.

[jerzwriter]

🌱🐸 for of your OCs you so please 😊

Hey Nonny! Thanks so much for the ask! :) Since you didn't specify which OCs I'll do my best to answer for all where I feel they're appropriate. From this list.

🌱 - Share one of this OC’s early memories.

I just answered this for Astrid, my VoS MC, here.

Casey was a city girl growing up in Philadelphia. She loved growing up in the city and still prefers city life to this day. But each summer, she'd spend some time at her paternal grandparent's farm in rural Pennsylvania. It was a different world. From the time she was a toddler, she'd help her grandparents with their chores; she could milk a cow by the time she was five. She has lovely memories of this simple, peaceful life and being surrounded by beauty. But it's a place she liked to visit and did not want to stay. :)

Tobias: His best childhood memories were also at his grandparent's home, in this case, his maternal grandparents. He spent a lot of time there, and he wasn't a spoiled little boy there; he was just one of the many grandkids who were expected to be kind to one another and help out. They were spoiled, too, but with love and their grandma's home cooking. One of his favorite memories, playing stickball in the street at night while the old folks sat on the porches talking and cheering them on.

Ethan: His best early childhood memories were the summer trips he used to take to the New England seashore with his parents. They didn't always go the same places, but two frequent locations were Newport, Rhode Island and Mystic, Connecticut. He loves visiting there until this day.

Kaycee: Their family didn't have a lot of money while she was little, something only made worse when her mother became ill. So there wasn't much shopping, but she used to get big bags of hand-me-down clothes from her older cousins, and she loved going through them on the living room floor and picking out "new" clothes.

Trystan: Trystan's best childhood memories were reserved for time spent with his Nannies, who were more loving than his parents, or with his siblings - usually when they would sneak off and get into mischief - these were times when they were able to just be little kids and not have to be little royals.

Carolina: Attending the Puerto Rican Day parade in Manhattan with her family and then returning home to the Bronx, where the party continued in the form of a huge block party. It was something the children (and adults) looked forward to all year, not unlike Christmas. There was always great food, music, and dancing, and the party went on to the wee hours - even for the kids.

Eli: Pre-outbreak? Playing sports with his friends and visiting with his grandparents and cousins. Post-outbreak? Family nights spent around the fire, as they were locked safely (as safely as could be) in their cabin in the woods.

Zoe: She has very few pre-outbreak memories, and The Tower wasn't such a great place to grow up. But her best memories were nights she, Ana, and Troy would quietly sneak away and have sleepovers. They just talked, made up silly stories, nothing terribly special, yet it was super special to her all the same.

🐸 - What’s this OC’s sense of humor like?

Casey: She has a playful and sarcastic sense of humor. She loves making people laugh, and humor is a big part of her relationship with Tobias.

Tobias: He has a wicked sense of humor - as you can imagine, it's sarcastic and perverted - he is known to be a wise ass. He and Casey both infuse humor into their daily lives and their relationships with their girls.

Ethan: He has a dry/sarcastic sense of humor that not everyone gets, but those who do find it hysterical. During his med school days, he and Tobias just bounced off each other - and that continued when they reinstated their friendship as adults.

Kaycee: Much like Casey's (above) but a little goofier.

Eli: What sense of humor? lol Honestly, it's not something he shows often except for with those he's closest to, mostly Zoe. It's a dry/sarcastic/dark humor.

Zoe: For the world they live in, Zoe is often a ray of sunshine. She tries to see the good in everything, and humor is a big coping mechanism for her. She can joke from the sweetest, most innocent things with the kids of Olympus to really raunch humor with the grown-ups. She makes people laugh and smile a lot.

Trystan: Sarcastic wiseassery, but in a lighthearted, cheeky way. It's more along the line of Tobias than Ethan or Eli. Humor is infused into his conversation, no matter the situation.

Carolina: Has a very New York sense of humor - dark, sarcastic, and 150% a coping mechanism born of trauma. It's not a bright and fun kind of humor, although she definitely finds that side of herself, too, thanks to Trystan.

Thanks so much for the asks, Nonny! :)

[catsnuggler]

Another week of being #2 on the list. It's good, it's really good, except it means there still aren't openings, or else I'd finally be hired as an apprentice instead of still waiting, even at #2.

My dad is still as transphobic as ever. Got all cozy with me like he just wanted us to spend some quality father-son time, just to drop a Jimmy Dore video on me wherein Dore & co. dumped on the feds for... *squinting* removing a trans boy from intolerant parents and actually giving him trans-affirming care. Of course, Dore, and the articles he cited, made sure to deadname and misgender the boy, and my father agrees with him, because he's a fucking third-positionist.

Not a quote, despite the use of the marks, but an essential summary of my dad's and Dore' s position, based on all the shit I've heard and had to pretend I agree with because disagreement just gets me punished and doesn't lead to him reconsidering his position at all: "The left has to dump minorities and marginalized people, and unite with the right, to get rid of the real fascists (even while "we" unite with Tucker fucking Carlson) and the capitalists, even though conservatives absolutely don't want to do that, and even though we recognize the political machine of a republic is inherently corrupt in such a way that change cannot be effected within the system. We can't be anarchists because, God forbid, that would mean conservatives wouldn't agree with us, and we might have to give a fuck about marginalized people, even though we recognize the evils of a republic. Also, because the US is wrong about everything, China and Russia are right about everything. Like liberals, we believe the world has righteous colonial empires and malevolent colonial empires, we just disagree as to which ones are, instead of recognizing the nuances and evils of all these empires."

My brother still struggles with the same issues he has for years, and a fundamental obstacle to his recovery is his fear of change, even self-directed change, which goes hand-in-hand with his fear of responsibility as such. I feel for him, but I'm also being held back by his state of mind, or at least by a frustration of concentration due to it, along with an intense and deep fear for his well-being...

I don't know if my younger sibling is still at the stabilization facility. I don't know how long our protection order lasts, which includes a ban on contacting us. I don't know if they'll be okay.

My dad, brother, and I still haven't seen the funeral of our aunt/grand-aunt. At least, we haven't seen the 20 minutes that our cousin translated for us from German (Swiss German, I think?) to English. I lament that I've never set foot on another continent, let alone visited her and her family in Switzerland, nor do I speak any dialect of German. I only know a few smatterings and phrases. I have known a few Germans for years, at least intermittently, but one has been a long-abiding friend... But I still don't know her language. Granted, my domestic situation isn't conducive to learning anything. It's more immediately important I learn Spanish, though, given where I live, but while I'm *more* fluent in Spanish than German, I'm not fluent. Anyway, my grand-aunt was a very thoughtful person, very kind and intelligent, a great lover of the arts, and her death was unfortunate. However, she'd experienced severe paralysis, and even loss of consciousness at times, the ultimate results of a terrible stroke. Life wasn't doing her any favors anymore; I'm glad she's no longer suffering. I wish I could get to know my grand-uncle, too, but he only knows, I think, French and German; probably some Italian, too. In any case, I don't speak those languages, so no dice. She had to translate for him the one time they visited years ago. I don't think I can become fluent and have sufficient correspondence to get to know him before his time comes, and it's not like some app-translated letters would really convey any heartfelt feelings... plus, he probably wouldn't want to correspond, anyway. Lonely as he surely feels, it's obvious that such correspondence would be futile.

I learned something about one of my ancestors who decided to come colonize here because of his conversion to Mormonism. He had a wife in Britain. Kids, too, I think. She didn't want to come along. I don't know if she kept the kids, I'll have to talk with my dad about that or check the family tree. He was so convinced that that racist, colonialist cult was right, that he abandoned his family. I probably have some cousins across the pond who descend from him, or at least from his wife.

How many people who should be kin are separated by distance, by oceans, by violence, by national barriers, by linguistic barriers, cultural barriers, or by poverty, or by being subsumed into cults, or into reactionary political dogma and bigotry?

Yet, even as I talk about family, and longing for lost connections and kin in Europe, I know I'd just be another foreigner. I don't feel at home on Turtle Island - who can, when they realize what they benefit from, what their ancestors did to other people and this continent, itself? Yet I don't know Mother Europe. I'm not Tulalip, but I was born on traditional Tulalip territory, though taught virtually nothing about them. I'm not Yakama, Umatilla, or Nez Perce, but I was raised in their traditional territory, though taught virtually nothing about them. Colonialism sure is something, doing it's damnedest to segregate people and keep down the original peoples. I'm not Scottish, I'm not English, I'm not German - my ancestors were. I'm "white". The colonies, and later, the US, cobbled that up as an alliance against the many peoples here who were (and are) all fighting for their homes, and against African people, who were enslaved, and are still persecuted by the state. I'm "American", but I see the unjust facade of this country, and don't want to be American. So where does that leave me? Confused. Very confused, and more than a little distraught.

So much unrighteousness, so many burdens and betrayals, so little belonging. Where do I righteously belong? Who can I rightly keep in my life, and who can I rightly deny? I don't know.

[calamity-in-the-heart]

FNaF Sun Drop fic (pt. 1)?

(I did this for funnies cause I’m stuck at home for a hot minute. Grammar is probably wack but please feel free to let me know how you feel abt this!)

It was a family trip to the Pizzaplex for Christmas. What made this all the more special was that everyone was old enough to wonder on their own. Except for one.

My folks neglected to share that our extended family was joining too. That meant a buddy system. Great. I prayed from some sort of miracle to work out. But just as I predicted, my family stuck me with the youngest cousin, Emily.

“All you have to do is to escort them to the Daycare. Then afterwards you can go wherever you want!”, my parents bribed.

Sounds simple enough, this shouldn’t take long. As I walked up to the daycare with my little cousin, she began to put on the brakes.

“What’s wrong?”, I asked.

“I’m going to be all alone”, she whimpered, “My siblings are to old to stay with me now. Can’t you stay with me”?

“I can’t stay with you, I’m WAY too old to stay here”, I said firmly.

My dreams of flying solo went out the window as soon as I saw fear wash over my little cousin’s face. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy myself if I left her in this state.

“I guess I can stay for a little bit. Just until you get settled..”, I say reluctantly.

“Thank you! THANK YOU!”, my cousin squeezed me tightly. Even though I was still eager to adventure on my own, this put my mind at ease.

After I checked her in and brought her to the slide, she began to back away. “Would it make you feel better if I went first?”, I suggested. She nodded. The slide did look tempting. Without hesitating, i jumped right in. As I cheered with excitement, I heard my little cousin follow. We shared a hearty laugh as we both plummeted into the ball pit. I was completely taken back by all the color and atmosphere. Despite it’s childish appeal, it was definitely eye candy.

“Haven’t you been here before?”, my cousin waking me out of a trance.

“I haven’t. In fact, this wasn’t made until I was about twelve. I had just missed the age limit. This… This is amazing!”, I awed.

“Haha. Trust me it gets old super quick.”, she replied, “I can’t wait to grow out of this”.

As we walked around saw all the kids play and tread through the crawl castles, I spotted a familiar animatronic walking around.

“Oh, so that’s the candy man I see on those posters! I wonder where he was hiding at”, I chimed in. “He’s no fun”, Emily disregarded, “He hates messes and he never likes us going too far away from him. All the kids like to mess with him”.

I watched as the kids run all over him like a door mat. The poor thing was really trying his best to entertain them. Despite his stature, he seemed to be very innocent. I quickly realized I was staring for too long.

“C’mon, Emily. Let’s go make some friends”, I announced. Emily froze. “I can’t go over there”, she protested. “Why?”, I asked, “They look about your age and obviously feel the same way about that robot. At least go and say hi”. Emily gulped, then she began to walk toward the crowd of kids. I held her hand as we approached the kiddie mosh pit. The kids ran simultaneously around the robot screaming and shouting. Emily walked up to a kid who was lagging behind.

“W-what are y’all doing?”, Emily uttered.

“We’re playing keep away!”, the slow boy answered happily, “He can’t clean up if we block him”! Emily let out a giggle as it all unfolded.

I couldn’t help but stare at the robot with sorrow. I had never seen something look so overwhelmed. Feeling an unnatural wave of confidence come over me, I intervened. “Alright, alright! Y’all had your fun now play somewhere else”! All the kids booed and hissed. Some began throwing blocks and other miscellaneous at me and the robot. I blocked their already terrible throws with my body.

“Are you with this girl?”, the kid asked Emily. Frantically, she looked at me for an answer. I shook my head no, giving her the okay to pretend to not know me. “No she’s weird.”, Emily said in disgust. “Let’s go, we can have better fun in the slides anyways”, the boy said taking Emily with him to one of the castles. She looked back at me giving me a smile with gratitude.

As I waved bye to her, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find the robot towering over me. “Hhheeellllooooo! I’ve never seen your face here! You’re much too old to be here! What’s your name? Where are you from? Are you with anybody?”, the robot continued.

“I’m Celestina, but everyone just calls me Tina for short. I just came in to drop off my lil’ cousin to daycare. She was too scared to come in on her own so I walked her in.”, I explained while pointing to my cousin.

The robot took a minute to process, then scanned the room. “OH I KNOW EMILY! She’s been coming here since she was a tiny tot! She usually has her siblings with her, where are they? Are they sick?? I hope they’re getting lots of rest and plenty of fluids!”

“Oh no her siblings are fine”, I chuckled “Their parents are letting them go play all by themselves in the Pizzaplex now.”

“Oh thank heavens! I thought something terrible had happened!! Can you tell Jack and Angie that Ol’ Sun Drop says hi for me? I miss them so much! I haven’t seen them in five months! I bet they look totally unrecognizable!! Do you think they remember me??”, the robot rambled.

Amazed at his memory and his concern for others, watching him ramble was pure enjoyment in itself. So much thought was put into him, it’s a shame he’s a daycare attendant. He was definitely under appreciated here. It just wasn’t fair.

“Sun Drop… what a lovely name!” I interrupted. He immediately stopped talking and stayed quiet. Did I just say that out loud? I felt a lump in my throat as the silence continued. He just starred into me with his foggy eyes and his corny smile. His head tilted ever so slightly. I felt my face flush, how embarrassing. “Sorry, I j-“

Sun Drop grabbed me by the waist and brought me into a tight bear hug. “It’s not often someone compliments me!! Thank you”!! He swayed me back and fourth and hummed joyfully for a very long time. I couldn’t help but plaster my head on his surprisingly soft, velvety chest. Then I heard his voice break the tension, “Tina is a lovely name, but Celestina such a beautiful name”.

[galoots]

wait, what? I thought Della was Donald's sister in the comics? she is in the Life and Times at least- and I am pretty sure the series where they're all young kids. I'm confused, could you please tell me when/where is she depicted as his cousin?

Ok so, I swear I've covered this before but here's the breakdown. The triplets were invented in 1937 by Ted Osborne and Al Taliaferro. They were essentially added in as trouble-makers to spark Donald's temper for hijinks in the comic. In the comic which they were introduced, Donald gets a letter from a Cousin Della to take care of her kids for the forseeable future. She's never seen in the comic, she was created as a vehicle to introduce the triplets. Presumably, this leaves room to write the triplets, and their mother, out if they proved to be unpopular in the comic strips. Of course, we know that they become staples of the Disney canon and start showing up in cartoons and comics. The following cartoon, Donald's Nephews, in 1938 refers to a "sister Dumbella" instead of a cousin Della, but again she never shows up.

They essentially get revamped for later cartoons and comics as the smart, sensible, often noble straight men to Donald and Scrooge's outlandish antics. In a 42 cartoon, the nephews are shown to be adopted by Donald, getting rid of the Della explanation. Della continues to almost never be mentioned except in passing and not always by that name (Carl Barks called her Thelma, a name I kind of like better now to be honest). Her first, or at least most significant appearance in English language comics is in Life and Times where she's Donald's twin sister.

However, Della being Donald's twin sister raised some timeline issues which prompted this quote from Don Rosa:

"Yes, I DO like the idea of Donald and Della being twins. But, as you say, if I simply OMIT that one comment, everything works out fine just as it is (...) Della and Donald still look like twins, and maybe they are... but I don't think anyone can trip me up on years if I don't nail it down needlessly. I think my Duck Family Tree will be in Walt Disney's Comics & Stories #600, but naturally birth years won't be listed, and it's not possible to tell if siblings are twins or not on that tree."

So are they twins or cousins? Sure, kinda. Whatever you want it to be really. Its open to interpretation. Della's almost never had a part to play in the comics besides that one Dutch comic where she's an astronaut.

Personally, I've don't care too much about questions surrounding Della's status or the triplet's parents, because Donald consistently fills that role in the comics and cartoons. Della was a mechanism to introduce them for the comics that happened to mention her and her reasons for never being around aren't really questioned. I always chalk it up to "eh its cartoon/comic hijinks don't worry about" because Disney characters gain nephews and nieces like they were collectible figurines, and these questions are rarely ever asked of Mickey's niblings, or Goofy's, or Fethry's, or that one nephew Gladstone had at one time.

In the end, Della's status as Donald's sister, her design, her character, even her name are all largely dependent on the source, and are rarely consistent. Only the recent reboot actually wrote her in as a full fledged character and honestly I don't care for what they did with her. (But the issues I have with turning Della into a character are a separate issue for another post.)

The reason I refer to her as Donald's cousin is because its the interpretation I prefer, and its the one I've written into the LDU. Is it law? No. Am I terribly interested in arguing about a this specific cartoon duck and her familial status? Also no. If you prefer her to be Donald's sister, go for it. But bear in mind that's heavily dependent on your source and when people talk about Donald Duck media, they are not always referring to the recent cartoon.

[beansprean]

Lookin through ur old art to cheer up & bro Please tell me about ur old atla oc's im So Curious.

YOOOOOO lmao u went FAR back huh lil bro I appreciate u ❤️ They are less OCs and more terrible nostalgia that i desperately wanted to redesign.

Ok SO way back in like 2008 my main social media was something called GaiaOnline…it was like club penguin but for weebs. And on the forums a lot of people would host big formal roleplays with like, rules and applications etc. I was one of these people and I ran quite a few but the biggest was an ATLA rp that was basically like…the same story as the show lol except instead of the fire nation being the bad guys it was the “dark nation” and the avatar was a protokatara water tribe girl I played named Sying. Plus her angsty scarred nonbender cousin Zhu who was basically my Zuko stand-in. Except later I think I revealed he actually WAS a bender but repressed it due to the death of his mom and brother in the same accident where he got his scars? Anyway. We all used google searched anime photos for our characters and had very shallow character traits and kept trying to one up each other in battles with little regard for how bending works because we were all like 13-17.

I don’t remember all the other characters (people came in and dropped all the time) but there was the “dark lord” (lmaoo) and his trio of terrible children who all betrayed him (plus a twist that one of them was Sying’s secret twin and it was a whole thing and apparently none of us realized at the time this made Sying and her love interest Raiden (someone else’s zuko stand in) half siblings? But the mistress mom like died in childbirth and the avatar spirit chose one kid and they got separated so no one ever knew. Also the same person played Raiden and his older brother and was weirdly intent on injecting homoeroticism into their relationship so maybe incest was just a theme for that family). Plus another water tribe girl (I don’t remember her name sorry dawnwolfee) from a diff tribe who was just tagging along? She wasn’t a bending teacher she was just cute I guess? No complaints here. And her and Zhu had a cute romance that everyone enjoyed and me and that player ended up playing love interests for each other in like 5 other rps lmao. Weird how I always played the guy wink wink.

And it ended by a volcano blowing up and drowning the bad guy while Sying used the combined forces of her powers to escape the island and everyone else fought down below. OH I just remembered I also played a bad guy with a giant halberd who was like all my teen lesbian fantasies rolled into a redheaded tough girl. Also a jokester guy who was a cousin of the dark lord siblings? Even tho the dark lord didn’t have any siblings? And Sying’s twin was in love with him? Why so much incest… It was very strange. I also tended to randomly post flashback posts with the dark lord and his old mistress who was the mother of the twins when I got bored and no one was posting. Anyway all the good guys escaped on a boat and I told everybody the roleplay was over and to post epilogues for their character. And I remember Sying and Raiden had like 3 kids but also I had to kill Sying off immediately after bc the girl who played the dark lords current mistress wanted her baby (with the dark lord) to be the next avatar. So somehow Sying had 3 babies in the 9 months it took that baby to cook. We did not overthink this, clearly.

TL;DR bean was once 14 and cringe.

Lil bro if u wanted info on the other drawings on that post there is none lol I just wanted to draw more atla clothing lol ❤️

[hello-nichya-here]

Excluding the comics, did Zuko hurt Azula more than she ever hurt him overall? Coz I've been hearing that argument all over the place a lot lately...

Before I can even begin to explain my point of view on that, we need to take a look at how their dynamic works (and how it changed over the years)

In “Ember Island Players” Zuko says their family was happy - a long, long, LONG time ago. We don’t know how exactly Zuko and Azula acted towards each other, but looking just at that line we could maybe assume they behaved more like normal siblings.

In “Zuko Alone”, that family is already miserable 90% of the time and no one was even disfigured yet. Azula is the typical bratty little sister, and while she says some fucked up shit, she doesn’t really do anything that “evil” towards him - her worst offense would be sounding way too happy while telling Zuko their dad is going to kill him, but she did warn him. Even though she’s not really doing much bad shit to him, she’s not really being nice either, except for a ONE SECOND scene of the two of them playing with each other in the garden (we don’t know who asked who to play, or if their mother told them to play together) and that scene of their mother reading them the letter Iroh sent. Zuko deliberately avoids his sister and even though her teasing is usually pretty mild, he quite clearly takes it all very seriously and personally because their father favors Azula, but ignores him. However, Zuko does act a like a proper older brother once or twice (and basically does Ursa’s job of communicating things to the literal 8-year-old better than she did) by saying things like “How would you feel if cousin Lu Ten wanted dad to die?” or “He’s probably just sad that his only son is gone. Forever” when Azula is being insensitive about the idea/reality of their relatives dying.

In “The Storm” the show has a flashback with Azula seemingly enjoying seeing her Ozai burning Zuko’s face. We don’t really know if that reaction was genuine, a result of fear of the consequences if she didn’t react positively to it, or both, but it’s pretty fair to assume that if Zuko somehow found about that reaction, he’d probably be very hurt - but again, we don’t even know if he is aware this happened. What we DO know is that the trauma of that Agni Kai and of his three years of banishment made Zuko very bitter, angry and frustrated, to the point that he is lashing out at everyone (including Iroh, who we know he cares for) for the smallest of things, and he very clearly resents Azula for being their father’s favorite - to the point that he is angry at her for being “perfect”, instead of being pissed off at his father for his unfair standards (which makes sense considering Ozai basically brainwashed him into believing all of his misery is Azula’s fault)

On “Avatar State” Zuko instantly reacts negatively the second he sees his sister. Since she’s there on a mission to capture him, they spent pretty much the entire season being openly hostile to each other. The ONE TIME Zuko says something that might, maybe, perhaps indicate that, on some level, he believes it isn’t right for them to be at each other’s throats since they’re family is when he goes “Uncle, I know what you’re going to say: she’s my sister, and I should try to get along with her” implying someone tried to give him some sense of obligation to his sister (likely Ursa, considering she did agree with Azula’s “We’re brother and sister, we should spend time together”). Iroh then responds not with a understandable warning for Zuko to be careful since the idea of family quite clearly isn’t stopping Azula from trying to capture them, but instead with the infamous and terrible “No. She’s crazy and needs to go down.” Zuko doesn’t argue at all.

In “Crossroads of Destinity” however, Azula genuinely offers Zuko the chance to go home, he only joins the fight when Aang and Katara are cornering her, and she even gives him some emotional support after the battle is won. Unfortunately, in “The Awakening”, because Zuko doesn’t trust her for many reasons (some less valid than others) he lies to her about there being no chance of the Avatar having survived. Azula recognizes that as a lie, feels threatened, and tells Ozai Zuko was the one to kill Aang, so he will be the one who will be punished if he really is alive.

However, during the rest of his short return to the Fire Nation, Azula is being much, much nicer to her brother than she ever did before, warning him to be careful if he’s going to visit Iroh, asking the guys at the beach if they’re not going to invite both her and Zuko to their party, not letting him sulk on his misery at their old beach house, offering emotional support in the form of arson, answering his question about Sozin’s death, and pointing out to him that OF COURSE he’s welcomed at the war meeting - he’s the freaking prince. She still crosses a few lines every now and again and can still be a little bratty, but mostly she seems to have matured quite a lot, and to have no ill will towards him despite their recent conflict prior to Ba Sing Se. Zuko on the other hand, quite clearly still resents her and doesn’t trust her after all that happened, and his behavior is now the reverse of what it was like in “Zuko Alone” - he doesn’t really go out of his way to avoid her anymore, but never really tries to initiate any interaction with her, and he surely doesn’t offer any guidance, however limited.

On “The Day Of Black Sun” Zuko leaves the Fire Nation without so much as leaving a letter to Azula, and he tells Ozai that she was the one who failed to kill Aang - he does it for the sake of honesty, but the result still is that he carelessly told Ozai something that could make him furious at Azula simply because he didn’t understand that there’s a difference between being his favorite and being safe from his wrath. Since they’re on opposing sides again, they go back to constant fighting. In “The Southern Raiders” Azula attacks Zuko with the explicit intent to kill him, yet when he sees her falling “to her death” he looks a bit conflicted... only to then have a 100% negative reaction when she saves herself. In the finale, while the idea was not his, but Iroh’s, Zuko still does not hesitate for a second once given the mission to kill his sister, and while he shows no mercy, the music makes it all sound like a tragedy. The message is pretty clear: while he might not personally want any harm to come to Azula, Zuko sees her as a problem that needs to be solved - all that changes is what kind of problem she is (his personal rival or yet another soldier of the enemy). He also dismisses Azula when she says that she is sorry things have to end that way (she’s also in “battle mode” so to speak, and he is an obstacle to be dealt with), and she was quite clearly being sarcastic... but that line sounds a lot more genuine than even she had probably meant it to be when you consider the context of it all.

It basically comes down to what would be worse for you personally: someone who will (intentionally) do both good and bad things for you, which can be confusing, disappointing, hurtful, and maybe even make you a little paranoid/overly-defensive, or someone who isn’t really putting in any effort, and thus giving you no expectations, but also being frustrating if YOU are putting in effort in bonding with them, and who will also make dumb (but genuine) mistakes due to being too absorbed in their own problems and not understanding that said mistakes also affect you (which leads to them repeating said mistakes, which can be quite infuriating).

This dynamic is part of why I want Zuko to be the one to help Azula. He was too focused on his own issues to notice that his sister was begging for help AND genuinely trying to connect with him, so now that his life is more stable and he has undeniable proof that Azula’s life was NOT the easy, perfect life their father made him believe she had, it is the perfect time for him to open his eyes and try to correct his mistakes - but now Azula is in a position where she doesn’t trust anybody, especially not the older brother who left her, defeated her, and took her crown after she legitimately tried to help him. It’d lead to conflict, growth, and happiness after the storm is over and they manage to make things work at last, and I fucking live for that kind of story.