#my crippling anxiety and depression will always remain
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phantom-of-the-north · 13 days ago
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musingsofamisfit · 3 months ago
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Nostalgic for Now
I can see myself reminiscing on what I am living
Here and now is unique and can't be replicated
So often I am caught up with fear of losing these times
I am aware that here is a special moment in my own life, instead of being struck with horror,
I am filled with bliss, joy, understanding
I know these are the days I will look back upon with fondness,
Telling my children, my neighbors, my peers; all about the days of now
How it shaped me into where I am, how it gifted me with clarity
A piece of me thinks another shoe is set to drop, yet I am not dreading or cowering away from that
Instead I am challenging it, fighting with my own strength of love
A love produced by the people, the places, and the brightness I'm surrounded by
I have made it.
I know full well this won't last forever, but it will remain an unforgettable era:
Living with my closest friends,
Openly, nay PROUDLY, gay and trans without fear of my community
A family founded in trauma, saved by a love we all share, unconditional
A partner who gives more than I could have asked, or wanted
The ability to speak what I think and open to change for the better
Companions, pets that I cannot express my true gratitude for
This present, is why I kept living
This moment, is what I fought to achieve
This beauty of life, is what I always wanted
It's hard to comprehend after years of violent depression, crippling anxiety, and so much fear that was masked by hatred
We have done it.
Not alone, never alone
We did it, together
Despite whatever comes next, good or bad, I will be happy
Because now I know times like this are within my grasp
We can always come back to them and relish in their comfort
I won't give up, for now I see life is worth living in times like these
I never had eyes cleared of tears to know it was right here in front of me,
Now I do, thanks to you
~zen
living in the present has been the best thing i've learned this year, i can't wait to continue:)
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shizukascenefox · 11 months ago
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Personal vent about myself
I wrote a personal vent about the future about my art + buying commissions, the state of my life, and what’s going on behind my social media accounts. I love you all. Please give it a read if you care about what I do, this is important for me and for you.
Pic for the algorithm cause I know it doesn’t care about my words.
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I don’t know how to say this, but I can’t find the time or energy to make art and/or buy commissions. My government is actively trying to kill me, my mental health is taking all my time and motivations. My effort is towards changing my behavior and behaving right, not pretending to be happy as I wanted to be.
I have not felt inspired or even desired to buy commissions. I have no new ideas, poses for art, songs for animation memes. I kept waiting for inspiration to hit again but it didn’t. I don’t even know if I’m going to be alive next year, how could you expect me to plan and buy a commission that may or may not be expensive?
It scares me. I deeply miss buying commissions but I feel like it’s rapidly losing me. I’m not as good as I used to be and I don’t understand how I made what I did. Deep depression and anxiety has made it impossible for me to do this, and I’ve lost crucial money for that. I’m scared.
I have to help my family out in order to prevent my house from being sold, only one of which I’m able to pay for. I can’t afford to go to my psychotherapy checkups. I barely have money to get stuff, yet I somehow have to save up money so I can escape Virginia next year. If Virginia doesn’t kill me first, of course.
I genuinely, through all of this, can’t keep going the way I always have. What little energy and passion I have left is helping my family out as fast as I possibly can. I wish I could be Shizuka the Scene Fox for you again. Someday. But I’m not safe, and I need to fight against that.
Imagined harassments and being blocked by people on social media cripple me. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone. I see my inspirations improving and shining. I don’t understand. I’m happy for them. With this world around you? How do you do it? I don’t know.
I’ve found happiness and stability through watching art tutorials on YouTube. I want to go to an art school someday. And though my dream of touring and supporting myself through art always remains, is it really realistic? Where have I gone, who knows me? I can’t move out of Virginia from my beloved home sweet home.
That’s what’s been overwhelmingly on my mind lately, I guess. I know it’s venting and it might not make any sense and I’m sorry for that. I just can’t keep this to myself anymore. All I ask of you in the future is please, please be patient and loving with me. Please. I’m trying.
I want to end this with something positive. I’ve found massive comfort and peace amidst such awful stress through Learke lately. It’s genuinely helped me stay positive. I think when I get back, when I’m ready, I want to commission an animation meme that sounds like this.
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plrplanet · 2 months ago
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A Little Known Blueprint Reveals the Secret to Coping with Setbacks and Emerging Victorious Discover The Keys To Developing An Unbreakable Mental Resilience Do you crumble when you experience failure?Do setbacks and challenges put you down, shatter your confidence, and decimate your will to soldier on with life?The truth is, you will always face setbacks in life like:• A failed relationship• Health challenges• Workplace challenges• Natural disasters• Daily disappointmentsIf you don’t learn how to face them head-on they can destroy your ability to focus, to be productive, and your close relationships.Similarly, you might start having low moods, anxiety, and even depression.All these negative side effects create more failure and disappointment which creates a vicious cycle.Soon, your motivation to improve your life and achieve your dreams runs out.It becomes very difficult for you to envision a bright future and you sink even further into defeat, depression, and despair.Honestly, it is not easy to bounce back from negative life experiences quickly and victoriously.But, it is not impossible for you to handle the pressures of life successfully. Why You Need To Build Your Resilience Unfortunately, most of the common advice about building resilience and overcoming life’s obstacles is not helpful.Often, friends and family will admonish you to just “suck it up” or “be more resilient.”Yet, we all know that this advice is not complete.It leaves out the most crucial ingredient: the “how.”What you probably don’t know is that there are little-known techniques and practices that can supercharge your ability to build resilience and a strong spirit.Luckily for you, they are extremely easy to master and apply.In fact, you can implement them now and start seeing your mental strength improve. Bounce Back From Setbacks Today, you’ll learn how to increase your resilience and deal with every obstacle that life throws your way.For many years, I was just like you.Mistakes crippled me.Every setback felt like the end of my life.I spent so much time going over my past failures and I felt like I was an irredeemable screw-up.I was stuck, anxious, and depressed.My career was going nowhere, my relationships were failing and my health was poor.I had zero motivation and I was slowly losing the will to live.One lucky day, I got tired of being shoved around by every little curveball that life there my way.I decided to study the lives of people who had bounced back from terrible setbacks and gone on to be happy and successful.Additionally, I studied what philosophers and mental health experts had to say about surviving and thriving after a major setback or failure.When I started applying my new-found knowledge, my life turned around for the best.I was able to handle all of life’s pressures and even use them to my advantage.Even when I messed up or faced rejection, I refused to see myself as a victim.My self-esteem and confidence skyrocketed.I revived my dying relationships and improved my health.I had a new zeal for life and I was ready to face my future knowing that I could achieve all my dreams.Today, I want to share with you the discovery that changed my life.These secret principles and practices will teach you how to face life’s challenges courageously.It’s time for you to stop being beaten down by setbacks and start winning in life.The Secret To Unshakeable Mental Strength Introducing Total Mental Resilience How to Cope and Remain Unbeatable in The Face of Adversity. ‘Total Mental Resilience’ is the ultimate guide for those who want to build their resilience and become unbeatable in the face of life’s challenges. Most importantly, this blueprint will help you to deal with any obstacle that comes your way and emerge victorious!This research-backed guide will teach you everything you need to know about building a strong spirit and cope with adversity.Follow the steps taught in this powerful guide and you’ll start noticing changes IMMEDIATELY.If you are tired of being beaten down by every obstacle or challenge that life throws at you…If you want to take on life courageously,Then you owe it to yourself and everyone around you to learn the simple but powerful steps taught in ‘Total Mental Resilience.’ The Powerful Practices That You’ll Learn In This Life-Changing Guide Here are some of the things that you will discover in this life-transforming program: The one fact about life (and resilience) that most people don’t know. How to use adversity as a stepping stone to future success. 3 reasons why adversity is inevitable and how to come it. Why you should embrace challenges instead of avoiding them. 3 little known facts about adversity and how you can use them to your advantage. 6 rich and famous people who were molded in the furnace of adversity and what you can learn from them. The surprising benefits of being strong in the face of life’s obstacles. Why lack of resilience could literally cost you your life. How to exude confidence and tranquility even in the worst situations. 6 dangers of withering under life’s pressures and how to avoid them. How to build an unbreakable spirit that will help you take on life with courage. The quickest, easiest way to start seeing challenges as opportunities. Struggling to build your resilience? Avoid the common obstacles mentioned in Chapter 7. The little known ‘upward social comparison’ phenomenon that prevents you from being resilient. The one statement that you should never ever make in life. How to bounce back after a setback and build resilience. … Plus many more powerful practices and techniques! Who Is This For? This the ultimate guide for those who want to: Build a strong and resilient spirit Face all challenges with confidence Improve their mental health Go after their dreams Let go of their past failures Reduce stress and anxiety Increase their motivation Create strong relationships Feel proud of themselves Master Resale Rights Terms and Conditions [YES] Can be sold[YES] Can be used for personal use[YES] Can be packaged with other products[YES] Can modify/change the sales letter[YES] Can be added into paid membership websites[YES] Can put your name on the sales letter[YES] Can be offered as a bonus[YES] Can be used to build a list[YES] Can print/publish offline[YES] Can convey and sell Personal Use Rights[YES] Can convey and sell Resale Rights[YES] Can convey and sell Master Resale Rights [NO] Can modify/change the main product[NO] Can modify/change the graphics and ecover[NO] Can be given away for free[NO] Can be added to free membership websites[NO] Can convey and sell Private Label Rights
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2401053m · 9 months ago
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Fighting the Brain: Mental Health Problems among Students in UK Universities
The Way Final Exam Pressure Is Affecting All Students in the UK.
By Maria Francisco
University life is often portrayed as a time of personal development, intellectual challenge, and social engagement. Nevertheless, underneath all this there is a severe problem with students’ mental health. Student mental health has become a pressing matter within universities across the United Kingdom due to increased academic pressures, financial constraints, and social difficulties.
Recent research has depicted an upsurge in the incidence of psychological illness among university students. Over 25% of students experience mental illnesses during their stay at institutions of higher learning. This shocking figure is indicative of enormous stress that affects students particularly as final exams approaches.
A Case Study: Emma
Emma, a second-year psychology student at Wolverhampton university has challenges that are faced by many other students. As her final exams approached, pressure started overwhelming Emma leading to tension and nervousness. To receive perfect grades, she tirelessly remained in library reading textbooks and lecture notes for many hours.
"Balancing my private life and the struggles of keeping up with all my work has literally driven me insane at this point” she shared during our interview. "The pressure is crazy and it's easy to feel overwhelmed. I've had to make sure I take as many breaks as I can, seek support from friends and family, and even meditate at times to manage my stress and anxiety."
She believed that it was an “endless cycle”.
Emma’s experience is not uncommon. Across the UK, students are similarly facing overwhelming feelings of stress and anxiety. The pressure to succeed academically and fear of failure creates an environment ripe for mental health problems.
Mental and physical health of a student can be affected by this stress associated with exams. High levels of stress may cause mental disorders such as anxiety, depression among others. In addition, there may be physical symptoms like headaches, disturbed sleep or reduced immunity that result from stress. These symptoms can become crippling, influencing their academic life as well as general well-being.
The gravity of this issue is now well appreciated by universities and as a result, they are increasingly putting in place different measures to support the mental health of their student populations. There are many different solutions now in place such as counselling services, stress management seminars and campaigns for creating awareness about mental health. Despite such efforts, there is often more demand for mental health help than the available resources can provide, hence leaving some students with no assistance.
One innovation that bears promise is teaching university students about mental well-being as part of the curriculum. By enlightening the youths’ minds about psychological matters including resilience and coping strategies in times like this one when stress levels are high around them,
The tale of Emma along with other students I spoke to although upsetting also indicates the resilience and determination of many pupils. Academic pressure, however, is something students can withstand with proper care and guidance. It is important for universities to always remember that every student’s experience is different as they continue to tackle the mental health crisis. Tailored approaches that consider unique needs and circumstances will be necessary in creating a healthier educational environment.
Universities like Wolverhampton have said they want to guide people like Emma by prioritizing mental health and make sure support structures are in place so that they can succeed academically. The journey towards an improved student mental health is not easy but over time it becomes worth embarking on considering every student’s stake involved if at all anyone wants to have better results to show for it.
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zanderbearnard · 2 years ago
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in 2020 I began the worst process of my life when I got depression and a crippling social anxiety. Having always had insomnia it was a trinity of conditions that changed me. I went through addiction, strong various emotions felt at the once and a hugely unsupportive family. I became homeless as I was given up on as soon as a problem occurred and missed lots of work. Lost a lot of friends due to some of my attitude. Finally got a home of my own and changed my name, got diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and multiple personality disorder and remained in the setback. But, finally I’ve began to feel as myself as I ever could and have returned to my lifestyle from early 2020. I’m grateful my mental health has blocked the majority of those two years out and 2023 will be the year of me. tl;dr became brain sick addict, lost it all and am finally overcoming it.
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aphdsomebody · 2 years ago
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Hello, friend.
August 26.
Hello, before we continue, I wanted to make it clear- my identity will remain hidden...
I woke up this morning anticipating this day. It's been one year since I've moved to this city. In this last year, I've had so much to reflect on. I've been trying to find a time to write out my thoughts, so much time thinking about buying a new journal to start writing. I never got around to it. I also think that it'll be hard to carry a journal to write out my thoughts. So, here I am. Reflecting on a public forum, ready to tell the world my thoughts and inner feelings. If you read this, it is by pure happenstance OR I sent you a link to keep up with my inner thoughts I don't speak of. This will be a long one. Ready?
A year and ten months ago, I started a job that a lot of people dream of. High paying, "prestigious", and could pave the rest of my life into retirement. I felt on top of the world. I had a partner, a new license, a new job, and I had to move to a new city away from my family. Every last detail mapped out but going with the flow. Then, as all things that are beautiful, it started to fade away. First very slowly, then all at once. My partner of almost six years separated from me in Feb. of 2021. March almost took my father. April brought forth the most depressing birthday I have had the displeasure of witnessing. May imploded my world. I was diagnosed with a disease, maintainable, but present in my life. Present in how I approach people and how they feel about me. Since then, I felt my life turning into nothing. Something I felt was so bright and full of was sucked out and I only felt all was black and white. No color left in my world. Then, when all hope was lost and I felt so desperate...I got a new job. Same agency, much better city. Life had one last blow for me. It took my most favorite professor shortly before my move. I had to breathe so slowly to not feel the crippling fear, anxiety, and depressed feeling manifest into my life again. I met good and beautiful people in the city I moved and worked in, some I hope will be in my life forever. Then, in a blink of an eye, I was in the city I am in today. Now, a year in...my life has changed. I kinda always dreamed of a big city and always felt in my deepest soul that I needed to be in some big city. It's indescribable but it was always evident. Moving here gave me the most beautiful views, the freedom, the happiness I craved, and slowly, I felt the color of my world reappear. I was and I am on top of the world. 2021 took so much from me but gave me a new version of myself. I have an apartment I love, a job I'm blessed to have, secured a scholarship, moved into my second year of leading my PhD cohort as their representative, started teaching, upgraded my license, began my dissertation process, and much, much more. I couldn't see the process when it started to unfolded for me. I'm thankful that I didn't cave into my feelings. I'm grateful I stuck around. At times, I still get overwhelmingly lonely or sad, but it's a process. Soon, one day, I hope to have kids and be married. For now, I'm enjoying my healing phase: hosting Thanksgiving, wrapping gifts alone, looking out the window, solo coffee dates, and romanticizing this life. So, to reflect, one year later- in this ever-changing city, I found myself. I'm not entirely certain what will come next, what life has in store for me or how I will continue to heal, but I am ready to take it all in as the days bleed into the next one. Lastly, to my family and friends I hurt in last year and even now, I'm sorry. Really. I wish things could have gone differently, but I hope you forgive me. I hope we can continue to be in each others lives. I hope we can see each other succeed. Please know, my intention was never to hurt you or let you down.
Thanks for sticking around till the end of this post. I hope that you will want to return and learn more about me and what I feel and think. Truly, I hope we can grow together.
Until next time.
-APhDSomebody
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He Obviously Cares
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Pairing: Dean x Reader; OFC!Male!Character (James) x Reader (formally)
Warnings: Mild Angst, break ups, depression mentioned, Depressed vibes in the beginning, Team Free Will being sweet, Dean being sweet, Fluffy
Word Count: 2.4k
a/n: I did recently broke up with my boyfriend, and this is loosely what happened between us. And I do have these worries about him. But I hope you enjoy this; this is my first fic since being on hiatus.
Main Masterlist
Mobile Masterlist
~
She packed her bags; she was making her move.
She loaded up her car, now her boyfriends house is void of her items and belongings. She had thought moving in with him would help him with whatever he was going through but it did not. He was insecure, worried she was going to find another guy. Kept saying she didn’t like him, after every time she said she liked him. Saying he’s not sweet, when he was being sweet towards her. Kept referring himself as “The Bad Guy”. She could feel this was going to be hard to constantly reassure him that he’s wrong.
Until one night, where she stayed at one of the many hunter’s cabins, she wanted to alone time after a hard day. He respected her, understood her. Until she was getting ready for bed. A text came through as she was brushing her teeth.
“You don’t have Feelings for me.”
“Just tell me.”
Her heart pounded in her chest.
I constantly say I love you; I constantly reassure you, and reassure you and you still feel like this towards me. She thought.
Picking up her phone.
This is it. I’m ending this. I can’t do this anymore.
“Ugh, apparently I’m not good enough for you or your insecurities. Insecurities is a trust issue type of thing. And clearly you just don’t trust me.”
“OMG, No that’s not it.”
“It is it. I can’t do this anymore. It’s exhausting to constantly reassure you that you’re okay. That we’re okay. And clearly it’s not getting through to you.”
“Please stop.”
“No, it’s done. We’re done. Clearly “I don’t have feelings for you.” It’s what you told me!”
“It’s over. We’re done. Goodbye James.”
She could see him working to text her back. But stopped.
She was shaking, the nerves were running high. She took her anti-anxiety meds, some melatonin to help her relax enough to go to bed.
Now here she was, at his place while he was at work. To get her stuff and return her key to him.
She drove down the long highway, heading to the one place she knew she would be welcomed back. The one place she remained family.
She entered Lebanon Kansas around midnight. She entered the bunkers garage just shortly after one in the morning. She still remembered the key to get in, where Sam and Dean always stashed it. She parked her car next to Baby. Killing the engine she leaves her belongings in her car, very exhausted. Both emotionally, mentally, and physically.
She walks the halls slowly; nothing has changed much since she left.
She found her way to the library. Sam and Dean weren’t up, they were in bed. She sat at one of the tables. Making herself comfortable.
Her eyes began to feel warm; tears began to surface.
He had crippling depression; he will more likely kill himself over this.
Just you wait, you’ll see his obituary that he died by suicide and there will be a note blaming you.
If he dies, it will be your fault. Sure he hurt you, but you hurt him far worse.
Her hands came up to her ears, and she let the tears fall.
 Dean was one of the first to wake up. He walked up to the kitchen, doing his usual routine. Getting coffee brewed and ready for him and Sam.
Once done, he got himself a cup of coffee and walked down to the library to check if there were any new cases they could take.
Walking through the war room, he saw someone sitting in their chair, knees to her chest. Her head on her knees. He knew her from anywhere.
“Y/N?” He says, trying to wake her up.
She began to stir.
She looked up at Dean with a lifeless look in her eyes.
“I’m gonna kill him.” He says with a hard look on his face.
“No don’t, he’s not worth it.” she says, her voice void of life.
“Sweetheart, what happened, I thought you loved him.”
“Apparently “I don’t have feelings for him.’”
“He got insecure again, huh?”
She nodded.
“Why was I not good enough for him?”
“He was just insecure; it wasn’t you sweetheart. It was him, not you.”
“He has crippling depression; I just have a bad feeling I hurt him so much he’d kill himself.”
“He’s a dad, he’s not going to kill himself. He’s got a reason to live.”
True. She thought.
“When’d you get in?”
“I got here around one…maybe two in the morning.”
“Should have called or texted me before you left wherever it was you were leaving. I would have had a room ready for you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, now let’s work on you. Come on sweetheart, you can sleep in my room.”
“I still have my stuff in my car.”
“We’ll worry about those later, now, you need proper sleep.”
She got up, her shoulders slumped, her expression even told him she was overly exhausted.
She, without thinking, walked right up to Dean. His arms wrapped around her, hugging her close and tight to him.
“It’s going to be okay sweetheart.” He says softly.
She took a deep breath, taking in his scent. His body wash, shampoo, his particular smell always calmed her down.
He could feel her relax in his hold; he even knew she had no intentions of moving anytime soon. And knowing how exhausted she was, he worked her into his arms to carry her to his room.
He laid her down on his bed. Covering her up under his covers, she snuggled more into his covers.
He walked back into the kitchen to make breakfast. Seeing Sam up.
“Morning.” Sam says.
“Hey.”
“Was that Y/N I saw you carrying?”
“Yep.”
“What’s she doing back?”
“She broke up with James. Apparently he got insecure again, saying she didn’t have feelings for him.”
“Sounds like he didn’t allow himself to trust her.”
“Sounds like that to  me too. But she’s exhausted, not herself either. She got worried about him and his depression getting bad.”
“Do you think, Cas could wipe his memory. Wipe her from his memory so he wouldn’t hurt as much?”
“Possibly, we could do that for her.”
“Already done.” Cas says walking into the kitchen. Making Dean and Sam jump.
“You need a damn bell or something on you Cas, quit sneaking up on us.”
“Apologies Dean.”
“I see that Y/N has returned to us, but I can sense she is drained.”
“She is. And we’re taking a break from hunting to take care of her.” Dean says.
“Where do we start?” Sam asks.
“Her stuff is in her car; I’m making her breakfast. Wash her clothes, get her old room set up. Cas, you are going to get her favorite foods, snacks, and movies. And get the Dean cave set up for a movie night tonight.”
“Alright Dean.” Cas says, turning to leave.
“I’ll get her stuff and start laundry.” Sam says, taking his mug of coffee with him.
Dean turned to the fridge, finding bacon, eggs, and milk. Making pancakes, bacon, and eggs. A hefty, hearty breakfast.
 She woke up to the smell of bacon. She stirred awake at the moment Dean walked in with a tray full of food. A mug of coffee. A glass of cold orange juice.
“What is this?”
“Just taking care of my girl is all.”
“You’re girl?”
“Yeah, you’re my girl. Remember?”
“Dean, I just broke up from an exhausting relationship.”
“Just as friends sweetheart, I’m not trying anything honest.”
“Thanks Dean, that’s really sweet of you.” She says with a soft smile.
He returned her a kind and soft smile. Walking in more and sat the tray on her lap.
“You cooked enough food, that’s for sure.”
“I only assume you didn’t eat anything yesterday or on your trip here.”
“You assumed right.” She says.
“We’re not hunting today, we told Garth to let some hunters in on some cases we find.”
She nodded, grabbing her fork, and digging in.
“Why don’t you eat something Dean?” she asks, mouth full of food. Making Dean chuckle.
“I ate already, I’m good. Besides, we’re getting your room set up, and among other things. So you just relax while we do that.”
“Thank you Dean, that’s sweet of you guys.”
“Anything to help you sweetheart. Eat up, relax and I’ll stop by again soon.” He says, turning to leave. Taking the keys to the Impala.
 She finished her plate, only being able to eat half of what he made her. She gets up to clean off her plate. Finding Sam in the kitchen.
“Hey Y/N, it’s good to see you.” He says, with a kind smile.
“It’s good to be back with you guys.” She says returning a sure and kind smile.
“Here, let me, I’ll wash those for you.” He says, holding out his hands.
She gives him her tray. “Thanks Sammy.”
“Anything to help you sweety, why don’t you go take a shower or something, relax, get cleaned up. I bet you feel gross.”
“I do. That sounds good right now.” She says turning to head to the shower room.
She heads to her old room, finding her bags on the bed, the room in the midst of a makeover. Clearly not done. She finds a note on her duffle bag.
Seeing it was written by Dean.
‘Hey sweetheart, I’m betting you are wanting a shower or something to get cleaned up and relax. Knowing you’re not a fan of baths, I bought you some shampoo and body wash that would help you relax. I’ve heard lavender scented anything helps relax you. Go check the shower room, I want you wearing my clothes, use the shampoo and body wash I got you. Take as long as you need to. Freshen up, and I’ll see you soon. ­– Dean’
She smiled at the note, turned out of her room and she made her way to the shower room finding Dean’s Henley, sweats, a pair of her clean underwear, and his flannel. She even seen the lavender scented body wash and shampoo.
She got the water set at the perfect temperature and stood under the steamy stream of water.
She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Content to starting over. Pretending those few months didn’t exist. Sure she can’t get that time back. But at least she ended it before it got worse.
 The scent of lavender filled the shower room when she finished. She even felt even more relaxed as she wore Dean’s clothes, smelling his scent in his clothes.
She walked around the bunker in stockinged feet. She walked past the Dean cave seeing Cas in there, rearranging the room.
“Cas?”
“Y/N, Glad to see you’re doing well. How are you feeling?”
“Better, what’s this?”
“Dean, Sam and I think a movie night will help further. So I bought all of your favorites, your favorite movies and snacks.”
“That’s sweet of you guys.”
“Anything for a friend.”
She smiles at her angel friend.
They all said the same thing to me, anything for you, anything for a friend, anything for my girl. I like this. I feel valued. She thought.
“Of course we value you Y/N, you matter to us.” Cas says.
“I keep forgetting you can read my mind.”
Cas tilted his head, confused.
“Nothing, just…thanks Cas.” She says, smiling and continuing down the hall.
She got closer to her room. Seeing Sam walking out of her room.
“Hey, Y/N, come check this out. Tell me what you think.” He says.
She quickens her pace a tad, she peers into her room, seeing a string of star lights hanging on her ceiling. Her pictures on her new wall shelves. Pictures of her with Dean, Sam, and Cas.
Her bed, looking new with new covers that fit her personality with her favorite color. She had a smile plastered on her face.
She had a small bookshelf with all of her old books she had. Her desk with her laptop. Her TV in the corner of her room, perfect view from her bed. Her Xbox console, DVD player and Apple TV. She felt like she was at home.
“I love this, thank you guys so much.”
“I’m glad you like it. Dean’s getting pizza, and we’re close to watching a marathon of movies that Cas bought.”
“How many did he buy?”
“Just…a lot.”
Oh god. She thought while stifling a laugh with a snort.
The bunker doors opened and shut.
“Dinner’s on!” Dean shouted.
“Dean it’s almost 2 in the afternoon!” Y/N giggled.
She seen him walk around the corner of the hall seeing him walking with a tall stack of pizza.
“Holy shit, what!?”
“Okay, Dean, that’s too much food.” Sam says.
“Think about leftovers dude.”
They shrugged, eh, true.
“Alright, to the Dean cave, lets get this party started.”
Y/N giggled. She felt fuzzy inside, whatever they’re doing. It’s working.
Dean sat the pizzas along the bar. Y/N even noticed some added furniture. Some adult sized bean bag chairs.
Dean had paper plates ready, sodas, beer, and another table with snacks and more sodas ready for after their lunch slash supper.
She picked the adult sized bean bag chair, Sam and Cas had the two lazy boy recliners; Dean picked the other bean bag chair. The movie Cas popped in, one of her personal favorites. Thor Ragnarök.
But once she saw Loki, her chest felt heavy. He looked like her ex. Dean saw her face drop.
Getting up with his plate, he joined her. She snuggled against him.
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Wasn’t this your favorite movie?”
“It is, it’s just. Loki looks like him.”
“But is Loki him?”
“Well, no.”
“There you have it. Loki is not him. Loki is Loki. Not James.”
She nodded, continued to eat, and watch the movie.
“Anyone want seconds?” Sam asked.
Everyone practically held their plates up. Sam chuckling.
She felt tons better than she did when she first got here.
She doesn’t miss him. She only wishes him well. She does hope that one day she’ll be ready to try again but maybe hopefully she finds someone who is more willing to trust her.
She snuggles against Dean, his arm around her, holding her close. Making her feel safe. Making her feel okay.
She felt him kiss atop her head.
Maybe there is still hope. Maybe she should go for the obvious.
~
A/N: Kind of back, still on hiatus but how’d you like it? It is loosely based on my actual break up, the texts were the actual texts I received and sent to him. But please be patient with me, I’m still feeling a tad off. I’m sure I’ll post spastically when I’m okay again.
~
Dean Tags:
@pandazombie69, @akshi8278, @luci-in-trenchcoats, @supernatural-jackles, @becs-bunker, @mlovesstories, @jankles-blog, @flamencodiva, @anotherspnfanfic, @megzdoodle, @misfit0118, @shawnie74, @lyarr24, @missmemoire09, @racetrackheart, @spnbaby-67​
~
Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of supernaturallyobsessedchic. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post. 5/31/2021
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the-slasher-files · 4 years ago
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My Verisons - Slashers pt 1
INCLUDES JASON
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Just my opinion. Everyone interprets them differently but this is how I see the slashers. Some of this is based specifically on a certain movie in a series or could be just inspiration I’ve gotten from other writers. If you read my writing this will probably make sense of them, just seeing things from my perspective. This includes if they can talk, appearance, how you met, how/why you are together, nature/character, dead or alive or both, etc. Also please let me know if you feel the same or have different opinions! I am always curious about how others see them! 
JASON VOORHEES
appearance:
I adore the look of Jason from part 7 and Manhattan with classic elements. The size and shape perfect from those movies. However, to me, Jason would wear worn out jeans and some sort of button up with a utility belt of some kind, closer resembling the outfit from part 6. He always wears his work or hiking boots. Also probably always wears his gloves while outside
To me, Jason is more alive than dead, but just with the regeneration powers. He has very heavy scarring on half of his face that goes down his neck and side. Some wounds you don't think will ever heal still remain. On his back he is scarred by god knows what could be from defending the camp, or from the decomposition process. It looked like he had been attacked by a bear. Some wounds exposing the muscle and some you could see bone. 
His skin is a greyish colour but you can still tell there is some kind of blood flow because of his ability to get hard, plus I feel sometimes he might blush
His dick is a big one to put it frank lol. like 8 inches and thick. He doesn't have any hair down there or really anywhere.
his nature/character:
I honestly believe if you manage to get on his good side, he is such a sweet person. No matter what baggage you come with he will never judge because he was bullied and tormented. 
I feel he might have some form of mental illness because of his past and loneliness from not having anyone around. (separation anxiety, abonnement issues, maybe some depression in the winter)  
Once he has his person, he will never let go and the thought of losing you is literally crippling. It is his worst fear, so he does everything in his power to make you safe and stay with him.
He will listen to absolutely everything and try to understand everything from your perspective, except when it comes to your safety that is his number one priority even if it makes you upset.  
He is a very hard worker 
Extremely respectful of his person, whether it’s of their space or stuff, it doesn’t matter
A very gentle giant with you. I would use the expression “he would never hurt a fly” but we all know that is not the truth
I feel he might have a creative side to him, maybe it’s writing since he can’t express himself fully, maybe he can really draw, maybe it’s woodworking, I could even see him playing an acoustic guitar that he had stolen. He is completely self-taught
He is extremely curious about everything except other humans or the city
He also thinks Humans are a waste, all they do is destroy, fuck and hurt one another. Not to mention what they do to his woods
Big animal lover. I feel like he might have taken a dog once from the campers he murdered.
I think he is pretty sensitive to noise. Hates loud music or loud trucks, even if you have the tv a little loud he finds it distracting and disorienting
Extreme temper, as we know. If he ever gets mad at you he will likely walk it off, but sometimes if you push him enough dom Jason comes out. Fucking you against the wall with the machete at your neck, but after he would feel terrible. 
This leads into the next topic but he is 100% the strong, silent type - They're silent not because they have nothing to say, but because they don't have to fill up the air with words. They don't need to be looked at to dominate. They already dominate, just by looking at themselves, but they're serene about it. 
Can he talk?  
For some reason, I have always thought that maybe he could talk, but only short small words extremely few and far between. I don’t really think he can express himself fully even if he wanted to. He wouldn’t raise his voice above a low talk. If you were in danger he would never call your name or yell.
He might whisper “I love you” or give you small pet names but he would use them sparingly  
How you guys met/how you were caught:
So I have had this idea for a while, and I think it would make sense, but you have to be a brave person to be with him. So my idea is that your family owned a cabin on Crystal Lake but in the 80s when the killings began your family would never go back until you inherited it. The cabin sat for a long time, unused, rotting away. 
You drove up there to look at it, and you took it upon yourself to pretty much redo the whole thing and fix up the woodland that surrounded it. As you did this it was early spring into summer. You knew you were being watched and followed. However, you were never scared of this presence, it was almost like a protective energy. You almost welcomed it. Sometimes you could see him just watching and observing, sometimes you tried to follow him. 
Having had the cabin being abandoned it was pretty secluded and overgrown but, there were other cabins across the lake. Yours was the closest to the camp, it was still about 5 miles, but you could hear the screams in the night from teens at the camp. Being a very resourceful person you had set your own security traps and tripwires. You had even put up trail cams where you saw him walking so you could match up the times to murders. Sure enough, It was defiantly him. The killer. The murderer of Camp Crystal Lake. Why were you never afraid of him? Why had you never felt in danger in his presence? 
One day you were so tired from doing repairs, you drifted asleep while watching the clouds pass by. When you woke up he was standing there above you with his head tilted, almost making sure you were ok. Your eyes hit his and he stumbled backwards, he caught one of your tripwires. It landed him on his ass for the first time in years, caught off guard and not knowing what to do next. 
You two just stared at each other. “Hey, it’s ok. I know who you are,” You spoke to him. He had almost forgotten what soft voices sounded like. All he heard were the screams of his victims. “Jason? You are him” He was shocked. Stunned. “It’s ok” You explained seeing his confusion. 
Long before you moved out here you knew about him, heard the stories, read the news articles, spoke to the people of the small surrounding community. “Jason” you spoke again to him, not breaking eye contact. He didn’t know if he should run or just kill you to stop the conflicting feelings. The name you spoke he had not heard in years. It brought back a lot of odd feelings, pain, enjoyment, memories. 
As he sat there, you were not going to pry at him. You stood up from the ground dusting yourself off, looking away for a minute before placing your eyes to where he should have been but, he was gone. 
For months after that he would stare at you from the bushes, just observing. Sometimes he would stand close enough to touch you, but he didn’t. You never wanted to push him, so you just talk to him from the distance even if he never said a word back. It took a full year before he allowed you to touch him. Almost like a stray beaten dog, time, trust, and space were all needed, and maybe some encouragement by making your naked body visible to him through the windows.   
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fluffywigglesworth · 3 years ago
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I've decided I need some sort of statement of my intentions. A "manifesto" of sorts. Although I do hate to use the word "manifesto". It tends to conjure up images of incels and, well, Hitler. And "declaration" just sounds egregiously pompous. Just a general rundown of the things I hope to achieve. If for no other reason than to keep me on track and focused. And to stop me getting distracted by seemingly endless image searches for pictures of certain celebrities who shall remain very much nameless.
I should start with the obvious: Making the Invisible, Visible! Seeing as I've spent - correction, wasted - far too much time doing exactly the opposite; trying to hide my illnesses and disabilities from the world. Not very successfully, but entirely to my own detriment, I've gone out of my way to conceal that which I saw as weakness for fear my [perceived] inadequacies would become the ammunition of my foes.
Which brings me to my second objective - To Denounce Fears/Phobias. I've spent most of my life living in fear. Having suffered - as many of us have - more than my fair share of bullying, abuse and general insouciance, that fear was not without foundation. I've spent my whole life afraid. Afraid to die, afraid to live. Afraid to fail, afraid to succeed. Perpetually petrified. But, over the last year, I've survived traumas even my catastrophizing mind couldn't have possibly prophesied. And did it kill me? No. And, not to come over all Nietzschean, but I do believe it made me stronger. My weakness became my armour.
And, possibly the most important - Laughter. I'm blessed to have a family that faces virtually every situation with good humour. Even in situations that make that humour utterly, utterly inappropriate. Funerals, cremations, medical procedures,... we've had some of our greatest moments of hilarity in Accident and Emergency waiting rooms. But I've also used it as a shield to deflect the emotionally invasive. To keep people at a safe distance. God forbid someone would get to know me and find out I'm not a complete bastard. But any superpower can just as easily be used for evil as it can for good, and I hold laughter in far too higher regard to misuse it a moment longer.
In summary - Yes, I am ill. Chronically ill. I am Autistic. I do have learning difficulties. I will always have debilitating bouts of depression and crippling psychosocial dysfunction. I have every excuse - in fact, I have every reason - to keep my head down and quietly deal with the complexities of my condition and hope to never burden another soul with the weight of it all. To spend whatever time I have left distracting myself from the pain by binge-watching true crime and Nordic noir on Netflix. Drifting in and out of consciousness to appease the fatigue. Maybe, after all the trauma I've so far endured, I'd be perfectly justified in living out my days hiding under the shadow and relative safety of my fears and anxieties. But,...
FUCK IT!
It's time to muck in and do one's bit. To stop lallygagging and procrastinating,
FUCK IT!
If the ones that are suffering don't raise awareness of that which would otherwise remain invisible, then all we'll ever do is suffer,
FUCK IT!
If I can make people laugh while raising that awareness, then I'll call it a superpower and get myself a cape,
FUCK IT!
If I have to face up to and denounce all my fears no matter how terrifying or even humiliating doing so may be, then,
FUCK IT!
Yes, I understand I'm so ill that my efforts might be the equivalent of a sloth on tranks trying to climb a sheer surface in a Zentai suit, but,...
FUCK IT!
If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then what DOES kill me better prepare to get its arse kicked in the process,
FUCK IT!
So I'll end this with one of my favourite film quotes, as it suddenly seems incredibly pertinent:
"You have all the weapons you need.
NOW FIGHT!"
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trolloled · 3 years ago
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I occasionally wonder if Xrumon is overpowered. You know, bootleg Ironman suit, extremely difficult to kill or injure in melee, confirmed high body count, innumerable gadgets that might come off as asspulls since it's not like he's going to mention them before he uses them.
I guess the counterbalance to most of that is his crippled emotive side that (I hope) keeps him grounded and marginally relatable. Sure, nobody can relate to exactly what he's gone through or having a sweet robot suit, but it's much easier to relate to loneliness or depressive episodes.
Then there's the less interesting (from an analytical perspective) stuff like: armor isn't invincible, lack of ranged weaponry, the fact he still takes injuries even if they don't outright kill him. It's a balancing act because the point of the suits was to replace ground soldiers, so they naturally have to be very strong, but not so strong that they can just cheese every fight or problem. Like, for instance, an actual drone would just paste him into the dirt, which he knows, which gives him anxiety, which fuels his loneliness, which makes him spiteful, which leads to him being a jerk who pushes people away before they can hurt him any worse, which refuels his loneliness, which... you get the point.
I've always worried about making something "too strong," so Xrumon is basically the only one in my cast who could be classed as a Major Threat, and who will probably remain the only one.
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missbeautyandherbeast · 5 years ago
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Easter Sunday
True Love X Reader
A/N: Hey guys it is Easter so here’s an Easter story. It’s not cute or fluffy but it is true and it is the one story that is yours. It’s one story that is mine. This is my one true story.
Death where is your sting? Hell where is your victory? It is finished. He is risen.
Tags: @brightlotusmoon​ @boatloadsofheart @legandarybeauty​​ @crazywritingbug​​ @bitch-kms @ravn-87 @just-a-casual-fangirl-011​​ @unicornjoos @stuckoutsideofthebox @ilikestuffproductions @whygz @coffee-addicti @sugarspooks15 @leslieebee @serperiorkb @blossom-skies @fantastical-67impala-fangirl @coresan​ @big-banging-red​ @iceprincess2019​ @raphaeladdict t​ @thirstyforvenom​ @merindagriese​ @bengewatch @corabmarie e​ @bitemebro522 2​ @tmnt-queen​ @muleka-loka​ @violet-sky-96​ @curadopordeus @artemismohr18​ @thewhisperpen​ @xjupitermoonsx​ @bisexualbumblebeesstuff f f​ @merindagriese @oceans-daughter-3 @lowellshade e​ @tmntthristy y​ @mistyroselove​ @inthehamptons s​ @bombshellbella​ @sophfandoms53 @artofthetiredmind
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He loved you. Perfectly, he loved you. He found you, crying on your knees in the pit of despair with no hope and no fight left and he took your hand and picked you back up.
He was always with you. He remained by your side. Even when you screamed at him. When you were so angry that you wanted to walk away and did. He was still there when you came back. He stayed when you cheated on him. He stayed when you loved another. So many times, you would choose someone else over him and he still loved you. He forgave you for it and never held it against you. It was as if it never happened.
When you were scared and alone in the darkest part of the night in the depths of your mind, he was there, your light, a lifeline. When you were so broken that all you could do was scream and cry, he held you tightly.
He comforted you and healed you. He gave you peace in your anxious thoughts because you could trust him. He never failed you. He fulfilled every promise that he ever made, and they still stand strong.
He gave you a new family, one that loved you and looked out for you. You were adopted into this family and you weren’t lonely anymore. You could depend on this family because they knew him too. They reassured you when you were afraid to go to him with your doubts.
It wasn’t always easy. Hard times came and you got hurt. But he didn’t leave you then. He was right beside you. Sickness, death of a loved one, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, anything and everything that would make anyone else run, he stayed with you.
He never yelled at you for being imperfect in your own estimation. He never yelled at you for doubting or asking questions. He was never mad that your love for him waivered sometimes.
But there was something that he did, that you could never repay him for.
You screwed up. Badly. You were to be killed because of what you had done. There was no hope of saving you. No one could. Not lawyers, not good works, not priests, not pardons. You were done for. Your persecutor saw every flaw that you had and dragged you down for it. Now you were going to die.
You were terrified. How could anyone fix this? You knew that you were unworthy and deserved to die for your crimes. You couldn’t deny it. And maybe that’s why it hurt all the more. You knew you deserved this, but you wanted a way out.
Standing in front of the executioner, you were on your knees, waiting.
“No,” He said, standing in front of you. “You take me instead.”
“No!” You protested, looking up. “I’m not worth that! I did it! This is my debt, please.”
You were about to watch the one you loved and the one who loved you perfectly die for your mistake. It crippled you more than thinking you had to die.
He turned to you and smiled,
“You always questioned my love for you, here is my proof. I love you more than the life I have. I will save you because I love you,”
“No,” You whispered again. “You don’t deserve this! I do!”
“It’s alright, I will always be with you,” He turned back to the executioners, “I will die for her. Her crimes are mine. She is faultless, the blame is on me,”
You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to find a way out again. But… didn’t he just give you a way out?
You heard screams of agony, his screams, the one who loved you.
“No,” You whispered, again and again, falling to pieces.
A silence fell.
It was finished.
“It should have been me!” You screamed. “I should have been the one to die! Why… He didn’t do anything!” Tears were streaming down your face, “He didn’t do anything,” You whimpered weakly.
Curling up, you cried.
You cried for your lost love. You lost the one who ever truly knew you. He was gone. He had taken all of your blame, your sentence of death. He died for you. He truly loved you. You couldn’t deny that any longer.
No one else stepped forward. Not your family, new or old. Not a priest to pardon you. Not a friend to support you. He stepped forward. He died for you. He knew every fault and imperfection that you had, probably better than you did… and he still died for you.
What were you supposed to do with that?
At the moment, you were crying over it. For three days you cried.
“Why are you crying?”
It was his voice. Your mind reeled.
“Because you’re dead,” You mumbled. “You died when I should have died.”
“But am I dead?” There was a smile in his voice.
You looked over to him, and no, he wasn’t dead. You gaped at him. Shaking you reached out to him. He was real. He was there. He was alive.
“I… don’t understand,” You stammered.
“I promised I would never leave you.” He reminded you. “But I had to fight a battle for you. Now you are mine forever because no one can condemn you again. Your faults are gone. Dead. But death had no power over me.”
Again, he held you close, comforting you.
“I love you, when will you understand that?”
“I think I’m starting to,”
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plrplanet · 2 months ago
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A Little Known Blueprint Reveals the Secret to Coping with Setbacks and Emerging Victorious Discover The Keys To Developing An Unbreakable Mental Resilience Do you crumble when you experience failure?Do setbacks and challenges put you down, shatter your confidence, and decimate your will to soldier on with life?The truth is, you will always face setbacks in life like:• A failed relationship• Health challenges• Workplace challenges• Natural disasters• Daily disappointmentsIf you don’t learn how to face them head-on they can destroy your ability to focus, to be productive, and your close relationships.Similarly, you might start having low moods, anxiety, and even depression.All these negative side effects create more failure and disappointment which creates a vicious cycle.Soon, your motivation to improve your life and achieve your dreams runs out.It becomes very difficult for you to envision a bright future and you sink even further into defeat, depression, and despair.Honestly, it is not easy to bounce back from negative life experiences quickly and victoriously.But, it is not impossible for you to handle the pressures of life successfully. 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Bounce Back From Setbacks Today, you’ll learn how to increase your resilience and deal with every obstacle that life throws your way.For many years, I was just like you.Mistakes crippled me.Every setback felt like the end of my life.I spent so much time going over my past failures and I felt like I was an irredeemable screw-up.I was stuck, anxious, and depressed.My career was going nowhere, my relationships were failing and my health was poor.I had zero motivation and I was slowly losing the will to live.One lucky day, I got tired of being shoved around by every little curveball that life there my way.I decided to study the lives of people who had bounced back from terrible setbacks and gone on to be happy and successful.Additionally, I studied what philosophers and mental health experts had to say about surviving and thriving after a major setback or failure.When I started applying my new-found knowledge, my life turned around for the best.I was able to handle all of life’s pressures and even use them to my advantage.Even when I messed up or faced rejection, I refused to see myself as a victim.My self-esteem and confidence skyrocketed.I revived my dying relationships and improved my health.I had a new zeal for life and I was ready to face my future knowing that I could achieve all my dreams.Today, I want to share with you the discovery that changed my life.These secret principles and practices will teach you how to face life’s challenges courageously.It’s time for you to stop being beaten down by setbacks and start winning in life.The Secret To Unshakeable Mental Strength Introducing Total Mental Resilience How to Cope and Remain Unbeatable in The Face of Adversity. ‘Total Mental Resilience’ is the ultimate guide for those who want to build their resilience and become unbeatable in the face of life’s challenges. Most importantly, this blueprint will help you to deal with any obstacle that comes your way and emerge victorious!This research-backed guide will teach you everything you need to know about building a strong spirit and cope with adversity.Follow the steps taught in this powerful guide and you’ll start noticing changes IMMEDIATELY.If you are tired of being beaten down by every obstacle or challenge that life throws at you…If you want to take on life courageously,Then you owe it to yourself and everyone around you to learn the simple but powerful steps taught in ‘Total Mental Resilience.’ The Powerful Practices That You’ll Learn In This Life-Changing Guide Here are some of the things that you will discover in this life-transforming program: The one fact about life (and resilience) that most people don’t know. How to use adversity as a stepping stone to future success. 3 reasons why adversity is inevitable and how to come it. Why you should embrace challenges instead of avoiding them. 3 little known facts about adversity and how you can use them to your advantage. 6 rich and famous people who were molded in the furnace of adversity and what you can learn from them. The surprising benefits of being strong in the face of life’s obstacles. Why lack of resilience could literally cost you your life. How to exude confidence and tranquility even in the worst situations. 6 dangers of withering under life’s pressures and how to avoid them. How to build an unbreakable spirit that will help you take on life with courage. The quickest, easiest way to start seeing challenges as opportunities. Struggling to build your resilience? Avoid the common obstacles mentioned in Chapter 7. The little known ‘upward social comparison’ phenomenon that prevents you from being resilient. The one statement that you should never ever make in life. How to bounce back after a setback and build resilience. … Plus many more powerful practices and techniques! Who Is This For? This the ultimate guide for those who want to: Build a strong and resilient spirit Face all challenges with confidence Improve their mental health Go after their dreams Let go of their past failures Reduce stress and anxiety Increase their motivation Create strong relationships Feel proud of themselves Master Resale Rights Terms and Conditions [YES] Can be sold[YES] Can be used for personal use[YES] Can be packaged with other products[YES] Can modify/change the sales letter[YES] Can be added into paid membership websites[YES] Can put your name on the sales letter[YES] Can be offered as a bonus[YES] Can be used to build a list[YES] Can print/publish offline[YES] Can convey and sell Personal Use Rights[YES] Can convey and sell Resale Rights[YES] Can convey and sell Master Resale Rights [NO] Can modify/change the main product[NO] Can modify/change the graphics and ecover[NO] Can be given away for free[NO] Can be added to free membership websites[NO] Can convey and sell Private Label Rights
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magneticmage · 4 years ago
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I'm in the mood for it (plus it's Disability Pride month) so here are all my disabled ocs;
Under cut for Length
Additional Notes; Please do not judge me too harshly. While I have a few of these disabilities (most notably PTSD, anxiety-depression, and visual impairments) myself and personally know people who have some others, every person and their experiences are unique. I try my best to give these disabilities the space and gravity they deserve in my writing, but it is difficult for ones that I have no personal experience with. In addition, I am still learning and only human. If I have done something wrong or phrased something badly at any point now or in the future, let me know and I will do my best to fix it/do better. Apologies for the abrupt disclaimer but there we go.
Anyways!!!!
On the the List!
RWBY;
Selene Argent=Has PTSD, one prosthetic eye, and some physical scars on face and torso. I'd safely say she counts.
Baldur's Gate;
Sable Shades=Is an albino and was rendered mute at birth. He sunburns extremely easily and is near-sighted. He also often communicates through sign language.
Roan Roarke=Beyond some minor PTSD symptoms (increased anxiety and stress levels) surrounding fires, he's perfectly fine.
Faenerys Elendir=Has PTSD from her time imprisoned particular involving whips and brands as torture implements.
Rune Mistsea=Post-lycanthropy encounter, he is notably more short-tempered around the full moon along with a distinct craving for meat and violence. Otherwise, nothing else of note.
Lucine Mistsea=Beyond a notable paranoia issue when it comes to demons and cambions (but not fellow tieflings), she's fine.
Lyr(e/a/an) Lovemoor=Autistic. Too much light and noise and surrounding activity is draining and makes them short-tempered with occasional blowouts/meltdowns. Has a Thing about certain textures (very much hates slimes and oozes and squishy things for this reason, likes silks and furs and leathers). Has a fascination for all things shiny and glittery (gems and currencies are a special interest). Also often fidgets with their daggers.
Saga Musehart=Was rendered blind due to torture at the hands of prison guards. She also lost a hand (initially) and a forearm (later due to infection) and wears a prosthesis.
Cei Gloomdraft=Autistic or at least neurodivergent of some kind. Might have some ADHD, it's not quite clear yet in the few pieces I've written so far to help develop her.
Mass Effect;
(Solo Shepard Canon)
Annette Shepard=Has some lingering PTSD symptoms from surviving a raid on Mindoir, then thresher maws in Akuze, and then being spaced at the beginning in Mass Effect 2. She also suffers from some survivor's guilt Post-Virmire due to losing Ashley, and then all of Mass Effect 3 puts such a huge burden on her that she's fighting off some severe depression and despair from all the losses. She's got an old war injury in her shoulder that acts up from time to time, occasionally making her biotics misfire a barrier. She's on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent her body from rejecting her Cerberus-added cybernetic implants and upgrades, and also some antidepressants for depression and anxiety symptoms for said lingering PTSD symptoms. Girl's a walking disaster-fire mentally but she keeps on surviving and she still looks for the good in life as it comes, so there's that.
(Shepard Siblings)
Joanna=Like Roscoe and Riley, she's also on immuno-suppressants to prevent cybernetic implant rejection. Notably, she's the most well-adjusted of the three mentally, although the losses and struggles of ME 3 start to take their toll due to depression. She spends an awkward month on the Normandy adjusting to the new medication while adjusting the amounts needed. In addition, she also goes through a whole existential crisis come the Citadel DLC about if she is really Joanna Shepard or a clone (which Riley, Roscoe, and the Normandy crew snap her out of). Her survivor's guilt is much less pronounced than Riley's though she does start the early stages of a martyr complex (it's a source of frequent and well-humored debate between Riley and Roscoe if it was already there or not) about the of Thane's death. But she does her best and keeps on going.
Roscoe=Definitely mentally ill. He's got some trauma around abandonment that starts to get fully addressed around ME 2 in part due to Jack and Miranda and is mostly resolved around ME 3 though naturally scars remain. It often manifests as anger, depression, and even callousness. Like Joanna's and Riley, he is on immuno-suppressants to prevent the potential rejection of his cybernetics. He's also got an old wound from Torfan in his abdomen that acts up under stronger pressures like before a rainstorm or different gravity levels as well as drastic temperature changes such as cold (he HATES Noveria for that reason in particular though it isn't the only one, man). Beyond all that, he's very strong-willed and gives no fucks to shit.
Riley=Much like Annette except a bit more well-adjusted due to a larger support network and character drive. Has notable flashbacks/triggers around batarians, thresher maws (this one includes panic attacks once the direct danger has passed), and hardsuit complications (they always makes sure that their helmet and everything is in working and optimal order). Has survivor's guilt from their losses on Mindoir and Akuze but between meeting Talitha and Toombs in ME 1, they confront and deal with it, beginning to heal from it. Even on Virmire with the loss of Honora and all the failures of ME 3, they do better at handling it though it still remains to varying degrees. Like Joanna's and Roscoe (and Annette again), they're on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent issues with their body rejecting the cybernetics, with the additional ones of antidepressants to help manage some of their anxiety-depression symptoms. They also have some degree of chronic pain (maybe some kind of cystic fibrosis?) due to past overuse of their biotics that damaged part of their nervous system and occasionally causes it to misfire for no reason, often causing intense pain. Rarely and only if the pain isn't treated with extensive biotics-free rest periods and numbing agents in the form of more pills, the biotics will manifest and they'll accidentally move shit around, including themself a few times. This is most notable in ME 3 due to the nature of the larger and longer combat sequences with shorter and shorter rest times between. Though they manage as best they can with the help of their crew and family, it is still a struggle and they notably stop joking about retiring when they're dead and seem to consider it more seriously around ME 3 but save the final decision for the end of the Reaper Wars.
(Shepard Family)
Honora Hartford=She had an eating disorder when she was younger that left some lingering issues with her health but overall she's fine up until her death.
Riley's deceased siblings were overall healthy though Payton had Down's Syndrome and Brooklyn had ADHD. Harley had moderate asthma and used an inhaler.
Clover has anemia quite often and takes iron pills daily
The rest of the Shepard cousins don't have any disabilities to much knowledge though I am still fleshing them out.
(Andromeda)
Sara and Scott Ryder have some lingering damage from their cryopod accident and the Kett leader fucking with them, but otherwise they are okay.
Asher has ADHD while Shiloh struggles with a mild form of chronic fatigue. Evander, Rebecca, and Lucas are all able-bodied.
Dragon Age;
(Fereldan Wardens)
Lynera Mahariel=Dunno if this counts, but am putting it here anyways since it affects her overall health. Occasionally suffers from a type of sleep paralysis that is mixed with night-terrors. It doesn't appear to have a rhyme or reason as to when it occurs beyond perhaps stress and it's only every few months. However, it often leaves her completely drained for at least a week afterwards. She also occasionally has insomnia post-terrors as well which she self-medicates with sleeping draughts. She also has crippling period pains that appear to be consistent with ovarian cysts on her left side (though she later has it removed by Catriona once it ruptures due to injury). She also suffers from bouts of depression during Origins but that could be due to the extenuating circumstances she was under at the time.
Isemaya Tabris=When overly stressed, being exposed to strong amounts of concentrated Taint in a short period of time, or sometimes simply for no apparent reason, she suffers from intense migraines that are often treated with herbal painkillers and lying still in a dark and quiet room. Also due to a past injury to her left eye by humans, she has a harder time seeing on that side but is not completely blind.
Catriona Surana=She seems to be autistic due to her ability and predilection to hyperfocus on various studies (often Blight and magic-related but other areas do occur) as well as her obliviousness to social cues (she didn't realize she was liked by her suitors until Cale outright told her and by then she had decided she liked them already). Notably, she adapts a bit better Post-Origins due to Alistair and Leliana's influences but it still happens.
Cale Amell=Had some minor amnesia surrounding the exact events leading to his magic manifestation but later learned it was because he had set his eldest brother Azul on fire and believed he killed him as Raven helpfully supplied (Azul had instead faked his death as Cale discovers around the time of Awakening).
Fion Cousland=Briefly suffers from a minor alcohol addiction but has treatment while he is still in the functional phase courtesy of Catriona. Since then, he heavily monitors his intake and even helps Oghren get treatment for his own. He also occasionally has painful muscle twinges due to an injury that stretches from his temple to his eye and ear down to his neck on the right side. This is most notable in bad weather or when he is sick.
Barran Aeducan=Suffered from a superiority-inferiority complex towards his siblings growing up though it has greatly lessened with time and experience. It is mostly gone by the time of Inquisition though prominent traces still remain.
Tatha Brosca=She is hard of hearing and has manged to cope by learning to lip-read (not always successful, however, especially with languages she is not familiar with) in Origins and a pair of hearing "horns" designed for her by an admiring Smith caste man by Awakening. She often jokes that now she has even more in common with her Bronto companion, Salroka, due to their shared horns.
(Origins)
Vireth Mahariel=Suffers from epilepsy and often treats it with various herbal remedies, though it is not completely effective and large amounts of intense stress on his body make it worse. He also begins to develop cataracts around the time of Act 2 of Dragon Age 2, though the cause is unknown (presumed genetics or simply age at the moment).
Elthorn Tabris=Has a stutter speech impediment.
Alaros Surana=Unknown at the moment as I haven't written too much about him.
The Amell Siblings=Probably doesn't count but Azul gets motion sickness, especially on boats. Raven, Carmine, and Reed are all perfectly healthy and fine, however the latter two are the ones I've written least at the moment. Marigold has asthma that she treats with herbs.
Aelynne Cousland=Nothing comes to mind. She does have some old injuries (mentally and physically) she acquired from the attack on Highever by Arl Howe that color her later interactions with the family during the Fereldan Civil War.
Valda Aeducan=Has a notable visual impairment that is corrected with glasses, albeit there is nothing to be done for her slight colorblindness (she has a hard type distinguishing between greys, greens, and blues).
(Orlesian Wardens)
Dion Caron=Suffers from sleep apnea that is eased by a special breathing herbal-incense infused mask he wears as well as whomever in his group is on watch to check on him periodically to ensure he still breathes (most often this is either Victoire-Ainsley or Garam). He also snores and coughs due to this. Loudly.
Victoire-Ainsley Caron=Nothing of note.
Isenna Andras=She's an albino and so burns and rashes in intense light and heat. She also has a lame leg that cannot be fixed with magic and so wears a reinforced brace to aid her walk. This creates a noticeable limp.
Garam Kader=Alcohol makes him sick and he suffered from intense gender dysphoria before paying a huge sum to have an ex-Tevinter magister turned fellow Warden help him transition.
(Hawkes)
Jasper, Skye, and Violet Hawke are perfectly healthy. Albeit with some diet restrictions due to various allergies.
Gray Hawke=He is diabetic and so often has to monitor his energy levels to ensure his health. It's part of the reason he doesn't actively endanger his life like his siblings (not that he won't, just less often in comparison). He acquires a truly impressive diet regime and treatment plan upon becoming a nobleman of the Amell family, allowing him much more freedom than before.
(Marquises)
Aurore and Marcel de Serault both suffer from mild hemophilia. Marcel also has a lyrium drug addiction he is trying to break (and is actually doing quite well via weaning himself off it) due to a brief stint as a Templar while serving the Chantry.
(Inquisitors)
Armashok Adaar=Poor eyesight that cannot be fully corrected by glasses and later loses an arm due to the Anchor. He also lost a few fingers and some right hand mobility due to pre-nquisition injuries as a mercenary. He also wears a brace on his left shoulder. He wears a prosthetic eye and replacement arm.
Ransley Trevelyan=Like Cullen, he is working on breaking his own lyrium addiction from his time as a Templar and, like the other Inquisitors, loses his arm due to the Anchor. He had it replaced with a prosthetic arm for his shield side.
Paeriel Lavellan=She loses an arm alongside all the other Inquisitors, but takes the loss much harsher due to her archery skills suffering. While she will wear a prosthesis in battle or when hunting, she doesn't wear it in her day-to-day life, instead preferring to make due as needed. She also has anxiety.
Naranka Cadash=She loses her Anchor-wielding arm and gains a crossbow-and-dagger prosthetic one courtesy of her Inner Circle, much to her delight. She also suffers from some damage to her reproductive tract due to past injuries and is uncertain if she could have children.
(Inner Circle)
Kara Adaar=Beyond an intense hatred of slavery due to being kidnapped and almost sold when she was younger before being rescued by her father, she's perfectly healthy. She does require bedrest for her periods though.
Emilyse Trevelyan=She suffers from some PTSD from her abuse at Templar hands in the Circle, though she begins to recover towards the end of Inquisition.
Samrel Lavellan=Has dyslexia and uses reading aids and memory devices.
Pyrmar Cadash=He might have some PTSD from his Carta days due to a notable cave-in that lasted for a few days before his rescue.
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the-huntsmans-homebrews · 5 years ago
Text
I want to thank all of you for the support I’ve received over the two or so years that this project has been active.
I’m slowly coming to the realization that I am far too overwhelmed by everything else that is going on in my life right now to continue to create and maintain content for the Huntsman’s Homebrews. Between increasingly difficult college courses, trying to figure out my own identity, family troubles, and crippling anxiety/depression, ongoing and complex D&D projects just aren’t a reasonable part of my life any more, no matter how much I might want them to be.
I hope that you all continue to enjoy the works that I have already created. Everything will continue to be listed here or at the DM’s Guild, and will always remain free to access. I can’t really make use of most of it anyways, so the fact that it will continue to be available for you all to play with is some degree of consolation.
Thank you all for an incredible journey, and as always,
Enjoy your hunt.
- The Huntsman
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francoiserenaldt · 4 years ago
Text
the emancipation of dizzy
desirée ashton is tired of being tired and the pills don’t hit like they used to. happy @it-lives-week. 
word count: around 3k warnings: some ableist language, cruelty, destructive coping mechanisms, lots of parentheses in here, negative thoughts, references to depression, strong language, there are sweet moments but a lot happens before then
“No.”
The word leaves her in a shout, crippling her as the nicks and scratches that litter her aching body give way to immeasurable pain.
But it’s not the wounds that hurt her most.
“No, no, no, no, no…”
She vaguely hears it behind her as she holds her brother in her arms for the last time.
Or so she thinks.
None of this makes any sense, she thinks.
Nothing she sees is real. None of this is real.
(Not when she puts Devon’s arm around her neck and drags him out of the cave to a stretcher, not when Noah tells them how unbelievably sorry he is for everything, and especially not when his body is found covered in blood 3 hours later.)
That night was a mistake; a terrible, terrible dream. Devon will be in his room when she inevitably has to go wake him up and Andy’s leg is fine and N–
No.
She refuses to think of him.
He fucked off and gave himself to the Power that night, effectively ending his life. She knows she should be thankful; after all, she knows herself enough to know that he wouldn’t stand a chance if he stayed in town after what he’d done. But the thought that he’d never truly get what had been coming to him, the thought that he’d gotten away with it, infuriated her.
Maybe he wouldn’t get what was coming to him, but it’s not too late to get the revenge she’d been itching for.
Jocelyn had been reduced to a sad sack of bones after she lost vision in her right eye and function in both legs and Cody–
There was no need to rehash that; he wouldn’t be a problem.
Unfortunately, Britney is still around; even more so now that Lily gave her another chance. She’s been making her idea of an effort, forcing a Joker-esque smile on her face any time Lily drags her over to the group and gritting out a compliment when she sees Ava’s new piercing or Stacy’s new shoes for the past two weeks.
It’s not enough.
“You know, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if you just went back to ignoring or insulting us like you usually do,” Desirée smirks, shutting her locker. “It’s obvious you don’t want to be here.”
And we don’t want you here goes unsaid for Lily’s sake.
“Yeah, Britney,” Stacy chimes in. “Don’t hold back on our accounts.”
“Guys, please,” Lily pleads, glancing between the girls. “Can’t we just be civil for once?”
“Sure, I’ll go first.” Ava huffs, pursing her lips. “When’s the last time you put someone in a garbage bin?”
“I’ve never done that, you–” Britney pauses, taking a breath. “Ava.”
“Oh shit, you’re right. You had Jocelyn and Cody do it for you. How is Jocelyn, by the way?”
“You can’t even be nice for two minutes, can you?” Lily scoffs. “Unbelievable.”
Once Lily stomps out of sight, Britney rolls her eyes and whirls on the remaining girls. “The only reason I’m even letting myself be seen with you losers is for Lily’s sake, alright? So you need to get over whatever little beef you have with me.”
“Little beef?” Desirée spits, glaring venomously. “You’ve tormented Lily, Devon, and Ava for years.”
“And you blackmailed Stacy, which is a felony, by the way,” Ava adds, crossing her arms. “You’re lucky the Green’s haven’t sued your bitch ass.”
“You have no idea how extremely lucky you are that I care about Lily–”
“No, you’re lucky we care about Lily. It’s the only thing that’s keeping you from getting jumped.” Stacy snaps.
“Since you care about her so much, you should probably try showing a little restraint.”
“The fact that I’m not wearing you like a shoe right now is me showing restraint.” Desirée retorts before smiling innocently. “But if you really want me to drop the act, that can be arranged.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re excused.” Desirée quips, crossing her arms. “No, seriously. Leave.”
With yet another eye roll, she finally struts away.
“While I don’t disagree with you—like in any shape or form—saying what you said, you kinda threatened her. In public.” 
“Yeah, it would be a really bad look if you hit her, Dizzy.”
“Well, I didn’t, okay?” Desirée snaps, grabbing the last of her things. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
She stomps off without another word, just missing the concerned looks Ava and Stacy send her way as she goes.
“Desirée, wait up!”
Devon jogs up to her. Or tries to, anyway. She never stopped walking.
“Hey, do you mind chilling the fuck out?” Devon admonishes, stepping in front of her. “Lily is really upset.”
“I do, actually.” She sneers. “She’s always around, making these snide fucking remarks, and I wanted her out of my face.”
“And you think being a dick to her is the answer? ‘Cause it’s not.”
“Then what is the answer, Devon? Aren’t you tired of letting yourself get pummeled day in and day out by Britney’s goon squad for all for Lily to go running back to her in the end?” She growls. “Aren’t you tired of being everyone’s little bitch?”
His eyes harden just as hers soften. “Fuck you.”
“I didn’t mean that–”
“Yes, you did. You’re just the only one who’s enough of an asshole to say it to my face.” Devon turns to walk away. “You’re acting just like her, you know.”
“Don’t pull that shit on me, Devon. I’m not doing anything that she doesn’t deserve.”
He bites back a reply before sighing. “Getting revenge isn’t going to make you happy.”
“Our lives are permanently fucked, Devon. Nothing is going to make me happy.” She forces a smile onto her lips. “At least this way I get something out of this nightmare.”
“How long do you think that’s going to last?”
“Until she’s gone.”
Doing away with Britney is the easy part; the bitch is entirely too sloppy with her misdeeds and Stacy knows her pass code like the back of her hand. A mass text from an unknown number full of screenshots does her in and the family moves to the next town over within the month.
(She could always count on Stacy to have her back, especially when it came to Britney.)
Seeing the tears in Lily’s eyes and the disappointment in Lucas and Devon’s faces as Desirée watches Britney walk out of Westchester High for the last time makes it infinitely harder to keep the smirk on her face.
Hard, but not impossible.
(The high inevitably wears off and her friends won’t stop looking at her like she’s some kind of monster, but Britney is gone and that’s all that matters.)
(Until it isn’t.)
Two weeks pass before Lily speaks to her again.
“Do you regret it?” She whispers.
“I regret hurting you,” Desirée whispers back. It’s the closest thing to an apology she can muster.
It’s not enough.
“I wish you were sorry.” Lily loses the whisper then and there, glaring.
“I wish you understood where I was coming from.”
“Why aren’t you sorry?”
“Because I hate her, Lily.” Desirée snaps. She’s had to say this too many times. “And she treats you and Devon like complete and utter shit and I’m tired of you sitting back and letting her do it.”
“So you made her leave.”
“So I made her leave.”
Lily scoffs and turns away.
“I did it for you, Lily,” Desirée whispers. “Everything that I’ve done has been for you.”
“You have no idea how much I want to believe that.”
Devon returns and the conversation is over as quickly as it began.
No.
She feels the word creep up her spine and lodge itself into her throat before she hears it fall into a loop in her head, spiraling quickly out of control.
(She’s lost control again. What a surprise.)
She shakes the empty pill bottle until it flies from her shaking hand to her bed.
Her phone is in her hand within seconds and her fingers fly across the screen. Her vision blurs with unshed frustrated tears but she taps away relentlessly—desperately—until the solution she needs pops up and she can finally stop acting like her life is falling apart.
“Hello?”
Shit.
“Hey,” she replies, trying desperately not to sound like she’s on the verge of tears and failing miserably.
(All she seems to do is fail these days.)
“What happened, Desirée? Are you okay?”
The concern in his voice breaks her resolve and she lets a few tears fall, sniffling.
“Okay. Stupid question.” He shuffles around, then curses. Even in her chaos, she finds it in her to wince. “What can I do to help?”
“I don’t know if you can. Help me. I don’t know why I called you.” She murmurs, running a hand over her face. “I don’t know about much of anything anymore.”
“There has to be something I can do,” Andy mutters quietly, probably to himself. “Hey, what if I stayed on the phone with you? Just until you can sleep.”
The painful—and frankly embarrassing—reminder that it is two in the morning is more than enough to calm her hysterics. “Oh, um…that would be great. And extremely nice of you, which I’m not sure I deserve considering–”
“Nope. None of that.”
“Okay,” she sighs, effectively ridding herself of her wobbly voice. “I gratefully and humbly accept your help, your Majesty.”
His laugh is probably—no, definitely—the best sound in the world and for the half hour it takes for her to find peace, she gets to hear it over and over again. The magic of him dissipates the anxiety that had lodged itself into her chest and for a moment—and not a second longer—she seems to float.
Then she wakes up.
Her phone is dead, naturally, so she goes up to the corner store. Common sense tells her that Devon won’t let her walk to the store without insisting on getting Lucas to drive them.
You know he means well. Why aren’t you letting him help you?
“No.” She smiles at the cashier manning the register. “Thank you, though.”
She learns that faking a smile becomes easy once you spend enough time doing it. Enough time has passed that no one questions it and those who can see through it don’t have the heart to draw attention to you.
The silence is almost peaceful.
You’re not letting him help you because you know you don’t deserve it.
(Until it isn’t.)
Her earlier turbulent and destructive thoughts were good for one thing; they distracted from the whispers and stares that followed her every move. She doesn’t bother listening to what they’re saying at this point—it can’t be anything the mayor or her parents or Cid haven’t told her—but they come from everyone; even the teachers mutter when she lingers too long on a test question or takes a little longer to answer a question.
(“It’s not like her to take so long.”)
The comments should make her angry. They should make her want to cover up her abnormal habits or threaten to have their jobs if they don’t mind their own fucking business.
But there’s nothing. Nothing they say matters. Nothing anyone says or does matters.
She eventually stops speaking to people. Anything urgent will be said to her directly and repeatedly, like a newborn puppy that’s just learning commands.
(“Please call Mom and Dad, Dizzy. They’re worried about you.”)
(“Please talk to me, Rée. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”)
(“Desirée, please pick up the phone.”)
For people who’ve known her all their lives, they’re terrible at taking hints.
Her own brother has given up on getting her to have dinner with him consistently; he just goes to Lucas’s house when he wants company.
Lucas, of all people, has become more approachable than her.
Why would Devon want to spend time with you? Why would anyone after the way you acted?
Her mind—for its many, many faults—is the only thing that hasn’t left her. It buzzes about incessantly, asking questions it has no answers to. This time, she doesn’t wait to answer them.
You told him that he was the world’s punching bag, that he was weak. At least he didn’t turn out anything like you. You have enough weaknesses to fill an encyclopedia.
Devon may be a little bitch, but he’s a little bitch with a boyfriend who hasn’t given up on him. Can you say the same?
No, the voice prattles on gleefully. Of course not. Andy’s already got pain in his legs; he doesn’t need a pain in the ass on top of that.
What’s the point?
Why bother picking up the phone? It’s not like anyone is calling her, or anyone would pick up the phone.
Why bother going downstairs for dinner? She’s just going to be eating it alone.
Why even bother leaving her room? No one wants to see her and, for once in her life, she doesn’t want to be seen.
So she’s content to stay right where she is. She can’t hurt anyone but herself here.
The universe, naturally, has other plans.
One day, Devon throws open her bedroom door. “Get dressed.”
“What the hell are you doing in my room? Get out!”
“Yeah, not happening. If you’re not done in 20 minutes, I’m dragging your ass out of bed myself.”
“As if you could pick me in the first place. Please fuck off.”
“Maybe not by myself. I’m sure Lucas and Dan would be happy to help, though.” He smirks as he turns away. As he goes, he sings, “20 minutes.”
Ughhhhhhh.
In her annoyance, she had failed to realize that all of her friends had been invited to the house.
He said that Lucas and Dan were here earlier, idiot.
“Hey, stranger,” Ava drawled when Desirée appeared at the banister. She was sprawled across a sofa by the coffee table, which she was promptly shoved off of once the words passed her lips.
“Seriously, Ava?” Stacy hisses before turning to face Desirée. “It’s good to see you again.”
It’s at this moment that she realizes that she dropped off the face of the Earth and stopped talking to her friends without an explanation.
You’re actually the worst friend ever. Why do they even bother with you?
“Hey, guys,” she says, looking at everyone. They all seem to be happy—relieved, probably—to see her, but something about the situation feels…off. “What’re you all doing here?”
“I thought we could have a game night,” Devon smiles (carefully? hesitantly?) at her as he gestures to the setup. He’s got just about every board game they’ve ever had on the table, from Candyland to Cards Against Humanity. “It’s been a long time since we’ve all done something together.”
All because you decided to be antisocial and moody.
“Right.” She swallows. “So what’s first?”
The afternoon passes easily. She’s far too wrapped up in the ecstasy of being around her best friends to think about anything other than kicking their asses in board games, let alone–
No. We’re having fun.
At least they were until Lily walked over to her after a particularly successful round of Cards Against Humanity.
(She doesn’t need to ask if they can talk in the kitchen, which just so happens to be tucked away from the living room where everyone sits.)
(Desirée doesn’t need to ask her if they’re speaking again now or if Lily plans on this being the last time they speak.)
Lily taps Desirée on the shoulder and they find the corner of the kitchen furthest from the living room.
“I forgive you,” Lily says once they’re alone.
“I’m not sorry,” Desirée warns. Lily can’t hate her any more than she already does; there’s no use being backward about how she feels.
“I don’t care.” Lily steps forward and before Desirée knows it, they’re hugging. “I’m not losing you over a girl.”
“Wait, wait…you’re not mad anymore?”
“I was being unfair,” Lily says, letting a hand come up to rub her bicep. “On a lot of fronts.”
In the spirit of not ruining her good mood by unpacking her behavior, Desirée opts for humor: “I was being a total bitch myself, so I’ll forgive you. Just this once.”
“Do I get another pass if you get first dibs on the unicorn plushie?”
“Maybe,” she smiles genuinely for once and tugs Lily back into a hug. “Now come back. I missed you.”
“Not as much as I missed you.” Lily replies, hugging her even tighter. “Now let’s go before someone tells Andy that he’s out a girlfriend.”
It’s easy to forget how good of a friend Lily is when she’s not simping over Britney.
Desirée slings an arm around Lily’s shoulders as they leave the kitchen. “You’re ridiculous, Lil.”
Devon raises an eyebrow when they walk back to the group. “Are we all good?”
“Yeah, we’re good,” Lily grins.
Yeah, we are good. Until you fuck it up again.
Eventually they leave (everyone leaves) and Devon sits next to her once they finish cleaning up the games.
“This is the first time you’ve come out of your room in–”
“Three weeks, Devon. I know.” She sighs and walks over to the staircase. “I’m going to bed.”
“No, wait,” Devon rushes, grabbing her hand. “Just be still and shut up for a second. I need to say this.”
“Fine.” She walks back over to him, albeit a bit petulantly.
“Remember how I was when Noah,” he pauses carefully and continues when he doesn’t see her flinch, “first came back to school and he said all that stuff about how Jane was gone because I didn’t blow the whistle? And how I completely shut down? You told me that you’d never thought you’d see the day where I’d stop talking to you completely and I couldn’t make sense of it. I guess this is what it must’ve felt like.”
“You’ve been angry, you’ve been really fucking jumpy, and now you’ve completely shut me out for three weeks, Desiree. I haven’t been away from you for that long since, like, the womb. So I guess what I’m saying is,” he pauses again and sighs. “You’ve never given up on me, even when I was being a self-pitying asshole who would have deserved it. So you take all the time you need because I’m never, ever giving up on you.”
“Does this mean that you’re gonna drag me out of bed every day?”
“No, it means that I’m gonna to let you stay in this slump you’re in. That being said, I’m probably going to drag you to the dinner table. Eating alone sucks.”
“Eating alone has been rough,” she agrees.
“So you understand?”
“Yeah…yeah, I understand. I’ll try to be better.”
“That’s all I can ask from you.”
He steps closer and she puts a hand up. “Oh my God, do not hug me, you dork. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. And Devon,” Desiree frowns. “You wouldn’t have deserved to be given up on. No one does.”
He nods once and they head up the stairs together.
She finds herself back in her therapist’s office a month later, fielding the usual questions.
“Have you spent an entire day in your room this week?”
“No. I haven’t been back there in about a month now.”
Okay, it’s really been more like three and a half weeks, but semantics. It’s not like she’s the only one who lies to her therapist.
Dr. Chamberlain smiles gently. “That’s good.”
“It was hard, but I’ve learned not to hate him.” She clears her throat. “Noah, that is.”
“Could you forgive him one day?”
“Every day I look at the people I care about and I see how they’re still affected by the things he’s done. I don’t–” She pauses. “I don’t know if I could ever forgive him.”
“Every step in the right direction is a good step, Desirée.”
It’s far from the first time that her therapist has said those words and she knows it most certainly won’t be the last.
“Desirée?”
“Oh, sorry.” Desirée sits up. “What were you saying?”
“I was saying that it’s been a crazy few months for you, but you’ve come such a long way.”
“What if it’s not enough? I did a lot of things I can’t come back from, Dr.”
“I don’t think that’s true.” Dr. Chamberlain glances at her watch and sighs. “We’re just about out of time.”
“Thank you so much. I’ll see you next week.”
“One more thing, Desirée?”
“Yes?”
“Give your friends more credit.”
Desirée nods as she closes the door.
Her phone rings.
“Desirée, thank God! Can you please tell this man that studying is a portmanteau of “student dying” for a reason?”
“I’m probably the worst person you could’ve called for this.”
Devon groans. “Ugh, I forgot how much of a nerd you were.”
She hears a throat clear itself on the other end.
“Right. Lucas wanted to know if you were down to form a study group for finals. I completely understand if you’d rather swallow nails one by one or whatever weirdly specific torture you’re into–”
“If I say yes, does that mean you’ll stop talking?”
“…for now.”
“Deal. I’ll be there in 20.”
She ends the call and sends him a text.
desirée: you don’t have to tell me that I’m the best, or that you’ll actually buy me food the next time you go out. I just know you’ll do it bc you love me so much.
devon: …i really don’t like you, you know that?
desirée: sure, and I know you’re lying your ass off <3 see you at home.
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