#my brain lacks happy hormones

[piritos03]

executive dysfunction is the WORST

there have been tasks waiting for me FOR MONTHS

i am shaking inside

[jiraisupportgroup]

♡ Why Do I Cry So Much? ♡

It's rough out here as a crybaby (I say lovingly as a crybaby myself). Sometimes we can feel like we cry too much, or we shouldn't be crying. Let's talk about crying, what it is, why the hell we do it so much, and what we can do about it.

♡ Why Do We Cry? ♡

Emotional Response Often the intensity of the emotion is what causes you to cry, not the emotion itself. You can cry from sadness, happiness, anger, frustration, pain, excitement, etc. Any intense emotion can make you cry.

Underlying Factors Sometimes we cry over things that we feel aren't a big deal. It can be confusing or annoying when this happens, and sometimes it can feel like we're being dramatic or dumb (we're not). Think of your emotional availability as a bucket. Once that bucket starts to overflow, you begin to cry. Things like stress, hormone imbalances, depression, anxiety, etc can either take up space in that bucket or change the size of the bucket entirely. Additionally, if things have been happening that you haven't addressed or fully processed, they just sit in the bucket and take up space. This can lead to us crying over things that we feel logically there is no reason to cry about. Your bucket is full, regardless of what the actual event that pushed it over the edge is.

Other Random Stuff Sometimes you just cry. Your eyes might be dry, you might have something in them, or your brain might just decide to start crying. I often have experiences where if I am awake for too long tears just start streaming out of my eyes. I don't feel anything when this happens, I just get too tired and start crying. Sometimes weird shit like that happens, the human body is a very strange thing and everyone is different.

♡ What Does Crying Do For Us? ♡

Emotional Regulation Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins. Oxytocin can help calm you down, and endorphins can reduce pain and give you a sense of happiness. When you cry, your body releases these "let's feel better" chemicals. That's why often times after you cry, you begin to feel a little bit better.

Physical Relaxation This ties back into the endorphins, but crying can release physical tension in your body. This is a combination of endorphins being cool and expressing your emotions through crying itself. A lot of times if we work through our emotions or express them, afterwards we feel physical tension leave our body as well. Physical tension in places like the shoulders, back, neck, jaw are often affected by our emotional states.

♡ When Does Crying Become a Problem? ♡

Lack of Release One of the whole reasons why we cry is for the emotional release that comes from it. For those of us with mental illnesses or extreme stress sometimes we don't get this release. We can feel numb, empty, or sometimes even worse after crying.

Increased or Uncontrollable Crying Crying that seemingly happens for no reason at all. Crying that goes on for hours. A sudden increase in the frequency of crying for a reason you can't identify. All of these things can be indicative of a larger underlying issue.

Affecting Daily Life Crying which prevents you from doing your daily tasks. Everyone is going to have to excuse themselves from work or school or a social gathering to cry a few times in their life, but if it becomes a frequent thing it can be very difficult to deal with. Additionally so if you have anxiety around crying in public - as this can affect your willingness or ability to do things like go grocery shopping, go to school or work, or even leave your house to do much of anything.

Inability to Cry The feeling that you need to cry or are going to start crying but aren't able to actually cry. This is fairly common in people on SSRIs or with clinical depression, but other people can experience this as well.

♡ How do I Stop Crying So Much? ♡

(gif is originally by 1041uuu - There is a text version of this gif at the end of the post under the "keep reading" - I did not realize when I made this on my computer that it would be really hard to read on a phone. The image is fine if you download it but on the website, it can be hard to read, my apologies.)

♡ Thank You For Reading ♡

There is no shame in crying! Crying is healthy for you! But if you find yourself crying very frequently there may be something else going on that needs attention. Hopefully, this post can bring you a little bit of comfort ♡

Text Version Of The Gif:

In The Short Term

Remove yourself from the trigger. Whether this be a song, a conversation, or a stressful situation, remove yourself from whatever it is. If you are not sure why you are crying, or you are crying about something that is not currently happening, move to a more comfortable place to process your emotions.

Take deep and intentional breaths. Slowing down your breathing can help you calm down, and can also help prevent hyperventilation.

Use a grounding technique. Focus your attention on something whether that be counting, tossing a ball in between your hands, a certain smell, etc.

Look upwards. This is not only good for preventing tears from falling, but can also help release tension in your shoulders and neck. often times releasing physical tension in the body can help us feel emotionally less strained as well.

In The Long Term

Keep track of what types of things or situations cause you to cry. This can help you understand what sorts of things you have emotional responses to, and you can address them from there.

Acknowledge the feelings which caused you to cry. This can help you understand what sorts of things you have emotional responses to, and you can address them from there.

Allow yourself to cry. Everyone is going to cry sometimes, it is healthy for you, and it is nothing to be ashamed about. Allow yourself to process the emotions you are feeling. Give yourself the space to express your emotions.

[velvetvexations]

Not gonna lie the whole "trans women are women because they experience misogyny or [xyz tangible reason like dysphoria or whatever]" thing confuses me so much because every single time I have seen a trans person or group take on the big "why are trans people the gender they say they are" question it quickly becomes clear the only real answer that exists and will ever exist is "because they say they are".

We've tried hinging it on dysphoria or brain gender or hormones or presentation or societal oppression(or lack thereof) and every single time we end up excluding people who are trans, and the only answer that includes the full, beautiful, diverse trans experience is "because we say we are".

I just don't understand the drive to make sense of it, it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to hinge on anything, let alone societal oppression, and we don't have to have a perfect answer for the bigots because our word should be all that matters! Why am I transmasc? Because I say I am. Because it makes me happy. Is it a choice? I don't really know anymore, but if it is a choice I would choose it over and over again, every single time, and that doesn't make me any less trans. We make ourselves out of a mess of chemicals and electricity and salt and water every day. We make sense out of light and air and rocks and everything and nothing, that's all reality is! So what if it's a choice, or if it isn't? So what if gender doesn't really matter! Nothing matters!! And that means you have the freedom to decide what has meaning. What matters.

You're a woman because you say you are, because you choose to be, just like I'm a butch genderwhatever because I say I am, I choose to be, and that really should be all the justification we need. And for fucks sake we do NOT need to suffer to prove we're real. I do not oppressed therefore I am and I'm genuinely concerned that anyone would try to base their rationalization for their existence on SUFFERING!! You're not here to suffer, you're here to go spinny in a skirt and eat delicious food and piss off your family by shaving your head and play dumb computer games with your friends. Isn't that enough?

And like, there will never be a perfect argument that convinces people who are determined to misunderstand you that you are what you say you are, no scars spelling out the word misogyny or patriarchy you can show them to get them to go "oh yes sorry I was mistaken you are indeed woman pls go on your merry way", and even if there was they'd just move the goalposts. So ffs stop fucking waiting for the approval of people who hate you. You're a woman because you say you are, if that's not good enough for some people frankly they can go fuck themselves.

Anyway sorry for getting philosophical in your inbox I just have a lot of feelings about this. I had a really bad existential crisis in high school and came out fully believing that if nothing matters then everything matters and it seems so silly to me to keep trying to like, rationalize the existence of trans people with cold hard facts because like. We exist. We are what we say we are because we say we are. I don't have to have a man soul or whatever, I just know putting on guy's jeans and calling myself a dyke makes me happy, and I try to make a habit of not being shaken to my core every time some asshole tells me that's not good enough.

Very powerfully worded anon, thank you.

[hyolks]

(TW: BODY/ORGANS/NEEDLES!!)

Yo! So I was scrolling down your posts and found the one about Al’s ever-increasing automail body and how you are unsure how many of his organs could be replaced and… I have personal experience with that! What a lovely thing, to go through organ failure and have it be worth it if I can pass on that experience for the sake of ✨semi-realism-maybe-if-you-squint✨

My pancreas failed. Entirely. I have to manually give myself insulin every time I eat, and do calculations for it all; I can eat pretty much anything, but it comes at a price. Something something “equivalent exchange” one might even say.

But anyway, I basically have a mechanical pancreas with a remote control! I inject a 7 day supply of insulin into it with a syringe, and I tell it how much and how frequently to inject manually. It can inject into any spot on the body with a thick enough fat layer, usually stomach, thighs, the flabby parts of your upper arm, etc… note: I was 90lbs when I first went into organ failure, you do not have to be any particular body type/size for this to work.

It’s a very simple concept for the machine, and very simple/limited commands. You could even combine the controller with it and make it so there’s a switch/buttons directly on the injection site that have pre-determined doses.

Insulin has to be kept temperature controlled when in storage too, so that’s a cool thing you could mess around with if he has to keep more than a week supply on him. (This can honestly also just be ignored if it’s too complicated ‘^-^)

Insulin is a hormone, basically a command to tell your body to do something. So this can be applied to certain parts of the brain as well!

I don’t know if this’ll help, or if you’ve already found other inspirations that conflict with it, I just thought “hey, this Al makes me feel a little less alone in the world, if I can project a piece of me onto him I’d be really happy”.

Sorry if that’s presumptuous or weird of me to do >~<

OH MY GOSH DW DW THANK YOU SO MUH FOR SENDING THIS!!!! I SINCERELY APPRECIATE IT !!! i know its very strange to say but i love reading stuff like this and this was truly incredible to receive :")

medication/suppliments 1000% slipped my mind like i cant even BELIEVE it how much i forgot to consider it. i knew that going through an organ transplant also entailed needing to take medication to keep your body from rejecting it, but thats about where i stop with knowledge about regarding organ replacements,, but that is so interesting in your case with how much control and calculation is needed?? I also never thought about how truly indepth/technical mechanical organs would need to be!! especially since our organs just casually do the things they do and having a machine mimic it is more than just hitting "go" ...!! if you dont mind me asking how does it like stay powered, i guess ? :O

THE PRESSURE THAT WOULD BE ADDED IF THEY HAD TIME CONSTRAINTS BC OF MEDICATION..... OOOOOO.... especially with the temperature control.... them traveling through the desert would be so much more perilous !! I really will haveta figure out what he would be taking, if it were insulin or some almagomation (that included insulin of course) that could provide him the nutrients he would be missing out on because his lack of ability to eat/digest food...?

the handwavy science of canon that allows automail to work via nerve connections for motor control definitely like. eases the load a bit? although most of these organs require more function than just motor control... hmmm... REGARDLESS, thank u so mcuh for bringing up manually providing the body with hormones (and additionally nutrients), because no matter how quote unquote advanced the automail is, it wouldnt be able to actually produce the things he needs... process it, maybe? sure? but cannot produce it...!!

you're genuinely so sweet!!! thank you SO SO SO much for sending this in !! it really means so much to me that you can relate to this Al :")!! even though im probably trying to get tooo realistic with this portrayal (given the fact that al is mostly metal OTL) i dont want to like... not consider the things he would have to go through ? i guess? i cant quite figure out the words for what i want to say, but nonetheless!! <33333 thank you!!!!!

[josphitia]

Josie's Cow HRT Journey, part 4 - The Endo

It has been a rough few weeks since my interaction with that “therapist.” I withdrew into myself, into reading stories of girls getting their bodily wishes fulfilled through magical means. If I couldn't achieve this in real life, I could at least live it vicariously. Jojer was comforting me best he could; and he bought me prosthetic horns to wear around the house. As nice a gesture as it was, any shifting in their positions just signaled to my brain in flashing neon what it was I lacked.

I found a group online, an old school IRC chat mostly for girls to commiserate on what they felt denied to them. I learned all sorts of new terms, a myriad of words to describe ourselves, that only had one real objective: To pick at our emotional scabs. To promote a bleeding of the heart, a pain that reminded us of what we longed for and convinced ourselves we would never be. We were a commune of depression.

I logged on one day to the sight of a well-trodden series of texts. The same handful of sentences each beginning with the same 3 letter word: Why. “Why can't my body be like hers?” “Why can't I have the right hormones?” “Why can't society let us be who we are?” Etc, etc. The only thing I didn't see was a person who was the closest thing to a friend I had there. I assumed it was just another particularly bad day for her and began to write my own melancholic diatribes to the chat.

But, another day went by. The space was lonelier without her, the one true connection I had made even in a corner of the internet as dour as this. And then another day, and a week. Another week. I began to fear the worst. That she had taken a journey so many of us considered or had even attempted. We had exchanged emails once, for plans that would fall through like so many others. I wanted, needed to know if she was safe. I opened my client and wrote three simple, impossible to misinterpret words: “Are you okay?”

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

*Beep*

“RE: Hey” was the name of the email I received. She was okay! My heart felt the first pangs of relief in weeks. Her message had apologies sprawled throughout, but there was also a sense of contentment in her words. She was excited, she was hopeful, and she soon disclosed the reason why: She had found a new therapist. Not the man who had taken away my very hope for the future, but a woman who actually listened. Who offered genuine advice. A woman who was not a barrier to treatment but rather a guide TO that treatment.

In the final paragraph, as if answering my eager question prophetically, she wrote the therapist’s email. The last thing my friend wrote was yet another apology, but this one for something she was going to do, not a past infraction. She wanted to start her new life without the cumbersomes of her current. That she was performing a purge of her online identity, and that despite our camaraderie, I was being purged as well.

As much as the feeling of abandonment stung, I felt that I had gained something far greater: A second chance at the future I longed for. The future I desperately needed. The future that had already been snatched away from me once. I had hope again.

I emailed the therapist the next morning and stalked my email account for any activity. Finally, after a day at work of checking my phone every minute, I received her reply. While she was not in my state, she would be able to counsel me through a Telehealth appointment. She gave me her days of availability and I chose the soonest one, giving no regard to the fact I would have to leave work early. Like a stubborn bandaid, I needed this to be over quickly and with one decisive action. I would know tomorrow whether I had finally found my path towards happiness or if the waves of my future would crash violently against the shore.

The appointment had started off like so many of my online chats did: The unloading of emotions regarding men who wronged us. While these men had different names and faces, their profession was the same: Therapist, if in name only. My new doctor asked about my previous experiences trying to get onto AnimalHRT and like a flood the emotions rushed forth. When I stopped, she had but one thing to say: “Yeah, that guy sounds like a prick. He's woefully outdated on standards and practices. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.”

She understood. A medical professional not only understood the pain I was going through but was sympathetic. She wanted to help me. It was a foreign experience, but one I welcomed wholeheartedly.

“So, tell me about yourself. I need to assess you but I want to stress this is merely a formal process. There are no wrong answers. When did you first feel that you were a cow?”

“I don't know… I learned it was a possibility only recently, but it feels disingenuous to say I only wanted to be a cow a few months ago… I've known I was different from other girls… different from boys… ever since I was a child. I thought it was just because I'm trans. But I don't know if I ever had the thought ‘I’m a cow’ before this year. I can point to a number of habits and signs I've noticed. That I always want something on my head, such as sunglasses, where my horns should be. That shoes have never fit right. That I've been vegan for years… But it feels insulting to cows themselves to say these things make me a cow… I'm sorry, I'm wasting your time…”

“Hey, hey. It's okay. You're not wasting anything, let alone my time. I promise, there are no wrong answers. What you describe is very similar to many girls, and boys, and others, have confided in me. Especially the diet part, you'd be surprised how many Otherkin and/or Therian have diets similar to their species before they start their transition.”

I wiped the liquid growing at either sides of my eyes with my shirt sleeve: “Really?”

“Really. You're normal, Josie. You may not be a normal that people think about every day, but you are doing nothing wrong. You're feeling nothing wrong. You are who you are; and it's my duty, my privilege, to help you realize this and to help you along whatever path your transition takes. I want to help you.”

“Thank you… And, what were those names you used for people like me?”

“Oh, Otherkin and Therian?”

“Yeah”

“They're the umbrella terms used for people who are a nonhuman species either physically, mentally, or spiritually. In the broad strokes, Therian are people who are a species of nonhuman animal. Otherkin are people who are a species of nonhuman animal, or creature, which is usually more mythological. There's a lot of overlap between the two. While many people are one or the other, it's also very common for people to be a mix or blending of the two.”

And again, realization. Like a strike of lightning in the back of my mind: There's words for people like me. Not a derogative or a slur, but actual, genuine medical terms.

“I think I have enough to write your official diagnosis and letter for hormones, Josie.”

“Wait, really?? I don't need to do anything else? I don't need to… prepare for my future…?”

“We are preparing for your future. You've clearly thought about this and like I said, there were no wrong answers. It's not my job to gatekeep but to guide you. I practice informed consent, and you're informed and consenting. I'll begin writing your letter and you should receive it in your email by tomorrow, with a physical copy arriving in about a week’s time. Now, do you have an Endocrinologist lined up?”

“No… I thought it would be premature to do so before knowing how this appointment would go…”

“I understand, I'll send you the information of Endocrinologists that handle AnimalHRT.”

“Thank you so much, I don't know what to say other than thank you… This appointment went so much better than I ever dreamed it could! Thank you!”

“You're welcome, Josie. Now, when would you like to schedule your next appointment?”

_________________________________

“Josie? The doctor will see you now. Right this way.”

I walked through the sterile hallway of the endocrinologist’s office. I was guided into a private room when, before I could sit, a tall woman in a lab coat opened the door. “Hi Miss Josie, it's a pleasure to meet you. We have the letter that your therapist faxed us. It says here you're interested in AnimalHRT? That's no problem. And by the looks of it you've already been on Bovinesterone. How can I help, are you looking into Dragon, or Wolf, or-”

“Uhm! I'm actually not on any AnimalHRT yet… I was hoping to get on Bovinesterone.”

“...Oh! My apologies.”

“No, no, I think you've actually given me the best compliment I've ever received…”

“Heh, okay. Bovinesterone it is. Now I just need to list off the possible effects of this medication. I'm sure you already know, but it's law. Here goes:

Creation and increase of keratin deposits on the top of the skull.

Fusing of the toes and increased keratin production of the feet, as well as realignment of the Fibula, Tibia, and Calcaneus.

Increase in keratin production of the fingernails.

Increase in growth of the tailbone.

Increase in mammary tissue.

Elongation and stretching of the skull, as well as realignment and blunting of the patient’s teeth.

Increase in hair production over the entirety of the body.”

It was as if she was reading off a list of everything I wished was different about my body.

“Do you understand and accept the risks inherent with this medication?”

“Yes, I do!” I said too eagerly.

“Okay. I'll send it into your pharmacy. I'll walk you out.”

_________________________________

I kept a hand on the bag I acquired from the pharmacy, holding it in my lap. I wanted, needed, to safeguard it's trip to my home. I was almost there, to the future that I was awaiting with bated breath.

I ran up the stairs to my apartment and filled a glass of water. In my hands were two small, light blue pills. As I swallowed them eagerly, a single thought repeated in my head: “It's happening!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Josie's Cow HRT Journey

First|Previous|Next

[ringomess]

last night i was with my friends and we started talking about medical negligence and our experiences.

i talked about my experience getting an adhd diagnosis and then medication. My diagnosis was declined once, and then when i got it, i was declined medication. now i’m finally on meds but my psychiatrist (from the health insurance) does the bare minimun. and i said “tbh i was just happy that she didn’t deny my adhd” and a friend turned at me shocked and said “what?”. i explained to her that being a woman and an adult it’s so common people deny your adhd.

i also told them my experience when i got my medication declined the first time because the neurologist said “adhd gets cured by adulthood” (i was 18 at that time) and a friend asked me “is that true?” and i explained to her that of course not and it can get even worse if you don’t get treatment.

then the first girl asked me how does adhd affect neurologically. i explained to her that adhd brains have a poorer development of the frontal lobe and again she shocked said “really? i had no idea”. she just sounded so shocked to learn that adhd is a neurobiological disorder. then i also explained to her we lack some neurotransmitters like dopamine and how it affects. she had no idea about anything i told her.

all my friends know i have adhd but they have no idea what that means.

they have no idea my brain is developed different, works differently and process things differently. they have no idea my body doesn’t regulate hormones the same way as them (neurotypicals). they have no idea it’s actually disabling because they can’t see it and the only perception they have of an adhd person is full of stigma.

but tbh, i’m not mad at them. it’s impossible to educate everyone in every single disability. i have no idea about so many disabilities because no one have ever taught me what it is.

i’m glad this friend started asking me about it and i had a chance to explain it to all of them. it makes me a bit sad they don’t know what adhd really is, but i think most of them are interested in understanding me.

[ronsenburg]

sorry for posting about such tiny writing victories on here all the time. I get that the things that I’m celebrating are minuscule compared with the volume that a lot of other writers (or even myself, three years ago) regularly produce and that the content overall is pretty trivial. but, at this point, it isn’t really even about writing anymore.

it’s so crazy (sarcasm) but having a kid is really hard! not even the physical elements of gestating a human being or dealing with the way life changes after you become a parent. I really didn’t expect the psychological side of it, I guess? I got pregnant in 2021, had a miscarriage, and then got pregnant again right away after and the hormonal changes from all that fucked me up. I’m not exaggerating at all when I say that one day, 18 months after my baby was born, I stepped out of a mental fog deep enough that I couldn’t recognize the person I’d been for that last year and a half. that chunk of time is just amorphous in my brain. between the lack of sleep, continued hormone fluctuation insanity, and inability to take some of my meds, I was like a shell of the person I’d been at the beginning of 2021. I literally had no space in my brain for anything other than taking care of that baby. anything that brought me joy before, any hobbies I had, just… hadn’t mattered. if it was postpartum depression, it was a really weird kind that allowed me to feel happy and optimistic about the future and very much in love with the tiny human I’d brought into the world. I just wasn’t me anymore. the craziest part was that it wasn’t an experience unique to me? a lot of the other moms I talked to about it on the other side were like ‘haha, yeah, that got me too!’ even my therapist kind of hand waved it off as normal. and??? why isn’t this something we talk about???

anyway, last october, I finally snapped out of it and started to try and chisel out some space in my new life for the person I’d been before the baby. it’s been really difficult—I don’t get much time for myself and when I do, if I don’t spend it cleaning or prepping activities and play dates, I end up feeling really guilty. I can’t stress enough how much I genuinely enjoy being a mom and how fortunate I feel to spend as much time as I do with my kid, I just also feel like there needs to be room for me to be something outside of that as well, you know?

now it feels like every time I’m able to write anything, I’m getting to step a little further back into the things that made me happy before. even if it’s not very good or not very much, it’s progress towards finding balance. so I’m probably going to keep posting about it here and celebrating all those little things. thanks for putting up with me while I do ❤️

[aheathen-conceivably]

Zelda was returning home after a trip to the French Market. She and Antoine usually shopped together, but today he had stayed behind to work on accounting for the club. As she neared home, she hoisted the grocery bag to her other hip, trying to balance it with her weight thrown off by her growing belly.

Her mother had told her that pregnancy was uncomfortable, so she had been prepared for the more practical aspects of it. She had been thrilled when Zelda had first wrote to her of her pregnancy, sending a continuous stream of letters and advice.

Those letters had been Zelda’s greatest comfort during those first long months. Her nausea had been constant, and all she could do as she laid in bed was read and reread her mother’s letters, imagining that she was there with her, softly telling her stories and stroking her hair.

As she walked up the stairs Zelda could hear Antoine talking and laughing. As she got closer she could hear a woman’s voice as well, quiet but familiar. She paused in the hallway. No, it couldn’t possibly be. Had she slept last night? Surely her hormone addled brain was simply plagued by lack of sleep and homesickness.

She stopped in the threshold, scarcely believing her own eyes even though she was right in front of her, “Mother…is that really you?”

Florence leapt to her feet, pulling Zelda into a hug that seemed to last forever.

“Zelda, my love, my child, look at you! With child yourself. It doesn’t even seem quite possible, does it?”

Zelda looked at Antoine and then back at Florence, “I don’t understand, how did you get here? Are you really and truly here? But how?”

Florence looked back at Antoine, her eyes inviting him over to where the two of them stood, “Well this fine man you’ve found wrote to me some months ago inviting me to stay with the two of you until after you give birth. It took a bit of time to arrange everything at home and then make that dreadful journey across the Atlantic but I arrived at the port this morning.”

Zelda could do little but cry in happiness. Her mother was there, in New Orleans. It seemed nearly as surreal as her pregnancy itself, but at least now they would have months together, months to talk and to laugh and Zelda hoped, to simply figure out how to be a mother herself.

[falciesystemessays]

Can I make a confession?

I hate thinking about my future.

(I promise this is related to video games.)

It could just be something in my brain.

It could be that, the way school has always led to more school, I'd always felt like my life was being decided for me.

It could be that, as a suicidal trans kid living on a dying rock, I never felt like I had a future.

But I had never in my life considered I would get this far, and at this point I have to grapple with the fact that I'm only getting older.

I need to move out eventually. I need to make a living. And I need to keep myself alive and healthy.

But something in me just hates thinking about that.

Of course, I notice this in the games I play too. I love tactics games like Fire Emblem, but the superficially similar Advance Wars could never grip me. While Fire Emblem gives me all of my chess pieces and makes me use them accordingly, Advance Wars makes me think several turns ahead and choose which units to create. Advance Wars is a much more long-term game, and I can't help but hate that.

I've been thinking for years about the prospect of using games to teach me what I don't know. Surely, if a game can finally make me understand long-term thinking, then I will be fixed. And I hate that framing, "fixed." These issues are very likely caused by ADHD, and the brain is just more complicated than any platitude can solve. But I also know that I do have to start thinking long-term, or I will suffer.

I've always hated brushing my teeth. When I was a kid, I would pretend to brush them to make my mom happy, but I just don't like having to put some stick of goo in my mouth, and even now that I do it regularly it doesn't feel good. I thought things would be okay forever, until I started having dental problems. Any individual day where I don't brush my teeth honestly doesn't make that big of a difference. But these choices in aggregate across years can have disastrous effects.

I started thinking about this as I replayed FTL recently. FTL: Faster Than Light is the first game released by Subset Games. Their second game, Into the Breach, is one of my favorite video games of all time. But crucially, everything I like about Into the Breach was an explicit response to something I didn't like about FTL. FTL has too much randomness, so ITB removes a bunch of randomness. FTL has too much hidden information, so ITB shows you exactly what enemies are going to do next. And in a game of Into the Breach, everything you need to think about is right in front of you. In FTL, you have to think ahead.

There's a few design choices in FTL I chafe against. Upgrading your ship is pretty expensive, and I never know how much it's worth saving up until it's too late. Your ship taking damage is unavoidable, and that damage sticks around between battles. Nearly every action costs some kind of resource that I don't know if I'll get back. It's a game that demands you think about it on a large scale, and after years of trying and failing, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get good at this game.

Do I just not have the brain for it?

But you know, it's not just lack of understanding that makes me put the short-term first. I've gotten into feuds with my parents about dieting before, as their legitimate concerns about health combined with unchecked fatphobia to leave me feeling like they just wanted control over my body. And while I recognize it's immature, these days I'll often eat something unhealthy on purpose out of spite. Making myself some dumplings, using all the salt and butter I could ever want, feels good, and tastes good too. But it was only today when, at a checkup about hormones, I agreed to weigh myself, and didn't like what I saw.

There are some games that provide delayed gratification. Games like Animal Crossing and Pokemon that use real-world time for game mechanics. In Animal Crossing, it's not enough to simply grow a tree, you have to plant it, and then water it for days. In Pokemon Shining Pearl, you have to wait until Friday to catch a Drifloon. These games treat the passage of time as a game mechanic in itself.

...Or at least, they do in theory. In practice, these games are awash with time travelers, changing the system clock to skip the wait.

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. I don't know how to teach myself this vital skill, and I'm searching still for a game that can help with that. Maybe I'll be the one to make it.

But I guess what I do want to say is that, if you also hate thinking about the future, whether that's in games or in life...

I understand.

[birthdayplant]

Educating people on PMDD because i’m tired of it being perceived as just really bad PMS. I wrote this for my partner, but I think it’s helpful to those with the condition and those with loved ones who struggle with PMDD.

It is unclear what totally causes PMDD, but most say it’s a sensitivity to fluctuating hormones during the luteal phase. When estrogen dips and progesterone rises, it fucks with your serotonin levels. PMDD can also caused by hormonal imbalances. There is also a history of having trauma or CPTSD when one has this illness. The condition is also known to worsen over time until you reach menopause.

You know how some people drink alcohol and become happy while others become angry and depressed? That’s how you can perceive how one reacts to their progesterone levels with this disorder; like a negative manifestation of alcohol consumption. It’s almost as if you have an allergic reaction to your hormones when they drastically fluctuate.

“Hormones not only control your body and everything you do and feel, they are everything you do and feel. A Hormone makes you feel happy or sad, accomplished or motivated, affectionate, horny, competitive, hungry or full. We’re a walking sack of chemical reactions that appears to be sentient.”

There are 3 phases of the menstrual cycle: the follicular phase, ovulatory phase, and luteal phase. The luteal phase (last phase) of the menstrual cycle is usually 12–14 days long, but can also be longer lasting up to 17 days. The luteal phase of your menstrual cycle occurs right after ovulation and ends when you get your period. During the luteal phase, serotonin levels drop changing the brain’s neurocircuit that affects emotional and cognitive functioning.

Everyone gets PMS right before their period. I understand why people believe PMDD to be a “more intensive” PMS, but the major difference is PMDD is a long-term Chronic illness; it’s disabling.

PMDD affects your ability to normally function in your relationships, at work and in your home. PMDD completely alters your ability to function as you normally would outside of this cycle.

The symptoms usually occur in the week prior to menstruation, but for me personally, I experience these symptoms for at least 10-12 days; practically during my entire luteal phase. PMDD symptoms are the worst when your progesterone levels are the highest.

Here is a very long list of symptoms that can manifest in someone who struggles with PMDD

Common physical symptoms:

-Abdominal bloating

-Breast tenderness or swelling

-Headaches

-Nausea

-Feeling weak

-Abdominal cramps and pain

-Weight gain

-Clumsiness

-Body discomfort

-Being more jittery/restless

-Binge eating

-Sleep dysregulation

-Swelling of the hands or feet

-Joint or muscle pain

-Tension and soreness in body

Common emotional/mental symptoms:

-Angry outbursts/feelings of intense hatred

-Anxiety

-Confusion

-Depression

-Dysphoria

-Feeling overwhelmed/out of control

-Libidinal (sex drive) changes

-Mood swings

-Decreased concentration

-Irritability

-Appetite changes

-Restlessness

-Lack of interest in usual activities

-Feelings of hopelessness

-Social withdrawal

-Overthinking

-Paranoia

-Stress

-Crying spells

-Repetitive suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

-Panic attacks

-Lashing out on people/objects

-Lack of concentration

-Insomnia

-Shameful feelings

-Reactivity (feeling more sensitive than usual and taking things more personally)

-Thoughts that everyone hates you or wants you dead

-Brain fog

-Thoughts of ending things/impaired decision making (relationships, life, jobs, etc.)

Prevalence rates for lifetime suicidal ideation in people with PMDD were 45.8% and 37.4%, compared with 17.3% and 13.3% for people without PMDD. Many have attempted suicide or had a plan to get away from the debilitating illness.

How can I help a loved one who struggles with PMDD?

PMDD not only affects the person with the condition, but it also affects the people around them, especially their loved ones. One of the worst parts about PMDD is the sense of shame that’s felt when one realizes that they were short/rude to a loved one who didn’t deserve it. Many people don’t feel like themselves during their PMDD episodes as it can bring out the worst parts of yourself.

-If a loved one is going through an episode and does something you don’t like, talk compassionately to them about what hurt you and set a boundary: It’s very common for those with this condition to act unconsciously, have outbursts and disagreements during an episode. If you point your finger at them with frustration, they’ll either get angry and lash out even more or feel awful and internalize what you said due to the lack of awareness. Hold the person accountable, but remember that they aren’t intentionally meaning to frustrate you.

-Remind yourself AND your loved one that they’re having an episode: It can feel like your loved one is creating tension in the relationship as they may frequently express negative feelings. You may internalize this thinking that you’ve done something and take it personally, but most likely you haven’t and they’re just incredibly sensitive and vulnerable at this time. When one is going through an episode, their serotonin levels are quite literally at their lowest during their luteal phase. By reminding yourself that this is just an episode and having understanding that your partner is not doing this out of ill-intent makes you less hard on yourself and by reminding your partner that they’re experiencing an episode helps them be less hard on themselves and makes them more mindful as to how they may be functioning within the relationship.

-Take care of your loved one: Offer things that may ease their symptoms.

-Show your loved one some extra tender love and care: During this time your loved one’s view of themself will be at their lowest. Show them you love them and reassure them that they’re a good person and deserve to be loved.

-Help them reframe their mind and give them different perspectives: Sometimes it’s very hard for people with PMDD to see things differently. When they’re having a rough day during their episode they may not know how of pull themselves out of negative feelings/a negative mindset. They can also deal with false/negative beliefs, so it’s very helpful to offer different perspectives for them to cope better.

-Do things to make their lives easier during this time (ex. Cleaning apartment, doing dishes, doing small things you yourself can do (like grabbing the remote, putting something away, closing the door, etc.) rather than asking them to).

-Practice patience

-If you are dating someone with PMDD it’s very helpful to come up with a plan for the duration of your partner’s episode.

-If a loved one threatens to kill themselves or is acting off, please take it seriously.

If anyone who struggles with PMDD feel free to message me! You’re not overreacting or being too much; you’re living with an incredibly debilitating condition that alters your ability to self-regulate. I hope this was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions :)

[its--deandraa]

There’s something that doesn’t feel right about this post but I’m having a hard time putting it into words, I think for some people this kind of statement can ring true, but I don’t think saying that “periods do more harm than good” applies to everyone, I have a lot more to say on this subject…

I know I shouldn't be putting my two cents on a post from twitter since it's where most brain dead takes spark aflame, but this one bothered me quite a bit and I couldn't figure out why, but when something bothers me, I keep picking at it like a scab until it bleeds again and I figure out where I got the scab in the first place. Saying a statement that periods are causing harm makes people feel like there is something wrong with themselves and in a society thats already violently hateful towards women and femme bodies and any traits associated with those bodies, this doesn't help. I'm not here to romanticize having a period and because I know there's a lot of people with serious medical issues in which getting your uterus removed is totally valid and totally necessary depending on your choice/situation. But I want to acknowledge that in our capitalist society were always in a rush, things need to get done fast, hustle hustle hustle, and having a period (one that is not painful or along side other health issues) forces those to slow down, rest, and be in tune with our body, even if we don't want too, which is the complete opposite. Our current society is built around a cisgender males body which runs on a 24 hr cycle where as people who menstruate have different phases (follicular, luteal and ovulation) and run on a monthly cycle, which is deemed inconvenient and not efficient. I know of a lot people who mention that having a period has been a good indicator for their health and hormones, a reply under this tweet mentioned how this was a privileged take and that people who menstruate can't even have access to period products in developing countries, another said "now what?" Exactly, now what? Even if that statement was true, what are we supposed to do? A lot of women face mistreatment in healthcare, a lot of women are facing poverty and are not even able to afford healthcare, and if periods were causing us harm then we would all probably be lining up to get hysterectomies instead of buying period products that aren't even FDA regulated. Period pain has been used against us and weaponized against us in order to further dismiss pain that is associated with being a women/femme. This kind of statement, while it may ring true for some people, further teaches people to hate a natural occurring function of their bodies and further upholds this hateful misogynist society we live in.

Another side to note, the replies to this tweet are mostly people talking about their experiences of either getting a surgery or birth control, and never having to deal with their periods again which is great for them and I’m genuinely happy for them, and I’m glad I live in a era where people with periods have access to healthcare that gives them a better quality of life, but with all the good experiences, they are also agreeing with the original statement which in my opinion lacks empathy and compassion for those still having painful periods and are further re-enforcing this hate towards something naturally occurring for majority of the population, and even animals!

I’m not sure why I felt compelled to write this much about this topic, maybe its coming from a place of anger or maybe it’s the fact I’m a women who has done so much work on their body issues and also currently on my period (hehe! 🤗) but it’s been really frustrating to see women promote hating themselves just because their bodies don’t naturally function within a society that hasn’t considered them in the first place.

[officeobject]

So there is this person who has the same "brain-species" as me - and I only know a few besides them with that "brain-species", and so far, I think none of us are anything except asexual, and also this person happens to be exactly like an aroace character of mine, and also seems to act as if the only option to my extreme and hormonal emotions, is for them to be platonic (which is true, but they act like it's the only option), and they're implied to KNOW I love their body SO MUCH, in a platonic way (it has their personality, it looks pretty, I wanna cuddle it), and people normally don't believe I'm apothiaroace - not even other apothiaces for example - and the character they're exactly like, doesn't KNOW he's aroace and/or that there's a word for it, and the person seems more distant from their co-workers than the rest are from each other, and is also implied to do the platonic equivalent of thirst-traps for me, and doesn't react to how "weird" I am, nor the pride flag in the window, but nah man, I can't assume or guess, that they're aroace, or call them my apothiaroace icon, because that's a random real 30 year old who I haven't asked, and I hope people understand why that frustrates the shit out of me - then again, I can't handle the thought of them being anything other than "wholesome" - also,

Is it normal that we have almost the same body (besides maybe weight, muscle-amount and them being obviously a bigger person), and almost same body-language, and I'm under 25 and still seemingly have a while to go, through puberty, body-wise, so like, we had the almost same body, then puberty updated mine, and then we have THE same body, except those minor possible differences mentioned? Like, I don't even normally LOOK at these things, but I'm talking: curves (well, lack thereof), curve-placement, size of features, body-shape (already had that before though), shoulder-width, and more? Like, did puberty seriously SOMEHOW mold me to look more like THEM - or like, maybe our body-genes/development or whatever, just happens to be in a way that'd make me look exactly like THEM when I'd get older? Well, I fear some might comment on the fact that my body looks like that of a 30 year old that cis people would call a man without a doubt in their mind, but as I said, I LOVE their body, and theirs, makes me see the beauty in MINE (which doesn't reflect me when it comes to the fact that it's female, but otherwise DOES, but that doesn't mean I like it), and that makes me really happy.

Just in general though, they make me like traits of mine - and I could never like my body-hair for long, for example, even though I tried, and made it my mission, and saw positivity videos, and otherwise just wanted to try and do it by myself, like the emotionally independent person that people wanted me to be ... and after long absence in which I though they'd be gone forever, and 3 days of being back, this person made me love my body-hair, which is a love that hasn't disappeared since, and I didn't even THINK of it, for that entire time - they had nothing to do with it!

I know I've probably already posted this before, but like, what is my life?

[lillyspeakz]

I saw an ask regarding adhd just wanna give an advice bcs I suffer a lot from mental health including MDR if yk MDR then good else in short it's Major Depressive disorder not only this but I have trauma issues due to my past and like I have slight autism with panick disorder and anxiety disorder I panick a lot. Weeks before I was suffering from ADHD but it was not huge and no doctors will give someone antidepressants for ADHD they need to check like what it's for and for kind info there is no particular med for ADHD it's mainly treated by SNRI and SNRI stands for Serotonin–norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor it's bcs ADHD comes with depression as per ik like depression is the first thing and when it stays for year without any treatment it will cause other issues such as ADHD, panick disorder etc. ADHD is a disease where someone lacks from attention deficiency and it might be due to the person was sad and the brain is trying to focus on escape like yk. And there is no medicine which can fix particularly ADHD only like it will act on it moreover ADHD is caused bcs of a hormone named norepinephrine, this hormone gradually decreases due to some reason and when it happens our brain can't act normally this medicine contains some drugs which binds on the nerve receptors slowing down the absorption and there is the magic as the absorption slows down in the nerve there is excess hormone which remains in our brain and this helps not triggering ADHD. And same goes for Depression but it's bcs of lack of serotonin and lack of serotonin can cause other hormone to decrease bcs serotonin is a mood regulator, we basically have two hormone for happiness oxytocin and dopamine but Serotonin is like a commander for them controlling them if there is a lack of serotonin people will find difficulty to process emotion, causing mood swings including depression. So to keep it ok SSRI are used. SSRI stands for Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor process is same but it got different drugs and this drugs are legal and safe and SSRI targets the serotonin receptor and it works in the same way like SNRI does.

So what I wanna say is not to blame the doctor bcs it totally depends on the patient on how they co-operate if they don't tell doctors openly what they are suffering from doctors aren't god that they will understand it. In my case at first I used to be afraid but i gradually gain confidence and right now my doctor is like a bestfriend for me I openly talk with him with any difficulty I am facing, and just months ago I used to take SNRI bcs I had slight ADHD it eventually got fixed but as my main issue is Depressions he gave me a better SNRI like a change and better one than my previous SSRI it's not bcs that med wasn't working it's bcs I was getting a bit dependant on it moreover he is a MD in General Medicine and he was a professor plus doctor in one of the most reputated medical College and hospital of our city where most reputated doctor of our state comes and it's a government hospital and college right now he is a professor and doctor in another well reputated Government Medical College and Hospital of our state.

And if this person have openly communicated with their doctor then I will say to change their doctor, but I still feel fishy about this as no doctor will give someone wrong medicine bcs it will literally result in cancellation of their license. Anyway not blaming anyone also if it's that person whom ik I won't mention their name for privacy then they can put an ask and i will give the doctor's number even though he doesn't do any private chambers unless for emergency or any close one the doctor is a good friend of my dad so that's why I can go for check up to him, I said this bcs that person ik also had this same disease anyway sorry for putting this long ask just wanna help people in need despite anything pls do post this ask.

You’re all good love, thank you for spreading awareness and helping!!

[vitasexualiiis]

my happy place lately has been thinking about kunikida having a big ol' messy mental breakdown and katai taking care of him.

after the current manga arc, not knowing what else to do with himself as everyone recovers, kunikida goes to go check on katai.

he doesn't want to talk about what happened, doesn't gripe about katai's mess, doesn't complain about his coworkers.

instead, after a stilted greeting, he starts to pick up katai's house in relative silence, tidying like usual. he puts in his laundry. takes out his trash. scrubs his sink, though katai notices it's with a shaking, unsteady grip, too-smooth skin stretched over smooth white knuckles.

the doctor's had at him, again, katai realizes idly.

the silence is welcome, companionable, almost, but kunikida finds he can't stop thinking. about his job, his life, the people he'd failed, the fate of the world, his hands (or, rather, the nightmare of lacking them), and unable to keep it in anymore, he just...pauses, waits, and completely loses it. in a big way.

bigger and scarier than katai has ever seen him lose it before.

and, quietly and with surprising confidence, katai just...collects him. he pulls him gently down to his futon nest, holds him, and thinks, with the sureness of someone finally experiencing the inevitable, I can do this. I'll take care of you.

he figures, after a near-lifetime of kunikida playing maid and caretaker, that he can shoulder this. he wants to shoulder this. his clumsy hands and his malfunctioning brain don't work well enough to fold his laundry or do his dishes, but they're good enough to think of gentle reassurances as he rubs circles over kunikida's back.

after that, kunikida stays for a week.

(in a fit of bravery, katai calls the ADA for him and tells them he's not coming in. no, he doesn't know when he'll be back. yes, he's safe.)

and they just kind...of exist together, for awhile. kunikida reads and katai works a little. they nap. moments melt together and time stops existing, which, given the oppressive ticking clock that accompanied saving the entire world, kunikida is surprisingly happy to oblige.

his notebook goes mostly ignored, laying on the table with his fountain pen and keys.

they talk about nothing and everything, ordering food and enjoying the proximity, like when they were younger.

except that something is different now. or, rather, that something feels like it can't be ignored anymore. it's the elephant in the room that--during hormone-tinged sleepovers, during moments of sitting too close on a cold day, during the stolen times when they'd embraced after a crisis--would rear its inconvenient head only to sink quickly back into unconsciousness.

as they lay in companionable silence, katai's arms are heavy and solid around kunikida's waist. his body, softened and comfortable with his few extra pounds, is warm and solid along the length of kunikida's aching spine. the low hum of his voice, when he finally speaks again, tickles the nape of kunikida's neck, and for the first time in far too long, the shiver that wracks through him isn't one of fear or anger.

kunikida, despite all his height and lean muscle, despite the broadness of his shoulders, seems impossibly fragile since the last time katai's seen him. without the fire of purpose and righteous indignation holding him together, he's as loosely strung as a poorly-made doll, pliant and yielding under katai's careful, but familiar, touch.

his shuddering sigh, the shift of his hips, comes uncomfortably close to an invitation.

katai learns that kunikida is all too receptive to his wandering hands.

kunikida learns that katai is a surprisingly generous lover.

by the time the week is up, the urges they'd left so long ignored, heated with mutual inexperience, new and deliciously distracting, have settled into the quiet and easy and dependable rhythm of their friendship.

the time comes, though, when reality comes calling, and kunikida knows he can't put off leaving. he doesn't even want to think of the paperwork. hopefully ranpo doesn't smack him too hard for leaving the president without kunikida's very necessary help.

but as he's putting on his shoes to go rejoin the world, the boneless exhaustion finally replaced with resigned vigor, kunikida comments on the state of katai's slouching walls. a familiar complaint.

this time, though, katai mentions, idly and with a hint of implication, that he'd been considering buying a new place. one that didn't lean like a drunk and have cracks in the foundation big enough for crickets to get through.

one that's big enough for a guest. or a partner.

he doesn't tell kunikida that he'd only just thought of it now, but the surprised little smile that brightens kunikida's thoughtful face is enough to dissuade him from mentioning it.

with a surprisingly chaste kiss to katai's cheek, kunikida solemnly promises that he'll be back, and katai knows he will be, and when the door groans shut behind him, katai realizes he doesn't have any idea whatsoever how much house costs.

but...kunikida would know. it would be another good distraction, throwing himself into the task of helping katai pick something out. at the very least, it'd be a good excuse to keep him here for more than a few hours.

katai trusts him to find something with strong walls and room for bookshelves and a sink that kunikida didn't have to scrub so hard to get clean. maybe a trash chute. an electric dryer. a little window seat, where someone could sit and write, if they wanted to.

and, most of all, space enough for a guest. or a partner.

for kunikida, if katai could get him to stay.

somewhere that, when kunikida came home each day, face tight and shoulders tense, katai could, if he remembered, draw him a bath and drag him off to bed.

he could do that much. remember to fill the bath. probably.

somewhere new and exciting and eventually as familiar as kunikida's life and body entwined with his.

somewhere that could be home, finally, for the both of them.

[fandomohana]

Well being active again has been fun, but the lack of interaction has the little demon in my brain telling me to isolate again, and with all the happy families all over my Facebook, it's getting ugly again. So, I'll be around in the off chance I'm needed. Period hormones probably aren't helping.

[evelhak]

Since you were so gracious to give me some asks, I shall do the same! Artists asks: 2, 7, 19, 26, and also 30. ^__^

Always happy to hear from you and to know more about you!

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)?

I think it's the easiest to draw someone facing left. That one usually takes the least amount of redrawing.

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

Pottery is something I feel very drawn to, as well as glass blowing. I don't have the physical requirements to become good at it but I'd like to try some time.

19. Favourite inanimate object to draw

I'm stuck between flowers and books. I'm so basic.

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended?

Wow, what a question. Nothing came to mind from the art I have on Tumblr, so I had to look for something I haven't posted.

Someone interpreted this as your typical fantasy character with fire powers. It's SO far from that, actually. The fire is symbolic, because this character plays with fire metaphorically, and because what she's holding in her hands can symbolically be burning for better or worse, and also because she is blinded by magic in the story, although it's more the lack of it than the thing itself, and because she's seeing what she wants to see.

I guess it's not that "wild", but I couldn't think of anything else.

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated?

I'm going to have to go with writing for this one, because sometimes I can't believe how much more interaction smut fics get on AO3 than long fics like mine that are basically like another season of the story (with a different focus or angle, but still).

I get that another reason why I'm never going to get that many readers is because I'm pretty much never posting at the height of a fandom's interest, because I need to mull things over for months after the series ends, and I never create anything while the original story is incomplete, so I'm usually only starting when the peak interest for a series is already going down, and my fan works tend to require a bit more of an attention span than the average fan seems to have for one thing. Even my She-Ra comics were a bit late for the fandom, although they are of a much more readable length than my fics, so I assume that's why they got relatively popular. I guess comic form is easier to digest for a lot of people, too.

Anyway, I think if I have to pick the fics I'm the saddest that many people haven't read them, they are my retellings.

I'm really proud of the way I basically paraphrased the whole Into The Woods to tell a KnB story! I don't understand how most people's brain doesn't light up with all the good hormones from wordplay like this! I was SO high, writing this.

I'm also really fond of this one, which was inspired by the Romance of Silence. Where are all the people who love intertextuality, hiding??

Yes, I understand another reason why people aren't into these stories is that they are so niche. That's always going to be my curse too, because I love the interaction of specific and general, but I love to go about it by combining things that are niche and don't usually go together. Not because they are niche or rarely combined, it just happens, I can't help but be drawn to specific concepts in a specific thing and then finding another equally specific thing with compatible concepts that send me right into hyperfocus, and I can't leave them untouched, I have to create something new from the interaction of those separate elements, because the abstract connections just sing to me. But I guess there's always the hope that when someone whose niche my stories perfectly fit into, finds them, then they are going to really love them. And honestly, I'd rather have one person to whom they are the perfect fit, than a hundred who thought they were "okay".

Also, I know these stories don't work very well unless you read the whole fic series, though I guess Kuroko's Fairytale makes more sense, and I tried to frame it like you could read it as a standalone, since I think technically you can, but you're probably still going to be very confused at some parts.