#my brain is so.. scatterbrained today

[whimsicalcotton]

i've been meaning to tell you but somewhere in the haze of post-surgical drugs/hospital sleep last week i had a brief dream about polluted marrow. and i don't mean that i, like, saw the fic like a movie in my brain, no. ao3.com/pollutedmarrow was just glued to the back of my eyeballs.

it was ch9 i think? but not your full ch9, it was as if you'd posted up to ch8, and this ch9 was just a few short paragraphs/sentences of dialogue with an author's note at the end about how you had to post that bit that you'd written even before finishing and uploading the rest of the chapter as soon as you could.

the only thing i remember "reading" is Rachel. idk what but miss girl was doing?? something i guess.

so if you're ever wondering about the depths of my brain to which your fic reaches, now you know

hksdjfhksdjfh that's such a fucking mood i've dreamt about it once or twice but like you said not seeing it play out or anything cool like that. just the doc glued to the back of eyeballs. haunted by my desire to edit

[littlelovelunette]

Omg omg omg improving percentages but reader is so burnt out and sevika notices so she’s extra gentle and caring with reader? Making sure they’re ok and resting well and is pampered and cared for and reassured and lots lots lotttsss of praise! Pretty please i love youuuu

Improving Percentages (6)

I love you too, anon haha

“How are you still managing advanced maths if you don't even know how to do long divisions?” You asked the classmate you'd agreed to tutor, Stacy was somehow the topper in physics and stuff but when it came to basic maths suddenly she was scatterbrained.

This had to be one of your biggest mistakes because you were dying of stress as it was and now you were stuck with an idiot of a friend who didn't even know how to do long divisions.

“I don't know, it's just so different from all the other things we've done.”

“How?” You sighed, exasperated, before getting up, “I have business class in a few minutes so I have to kinda get going.”

You got up, swinging your bag over your shoulder. Stacy grabbed the hem of your sleeve, looking up at you with puppy eyes. “Please help me with long divisions on Thursday?”

You sighed. “If you are gonna switch batches, I won't be able to help you— keep that in mind before you make any decisions.”

You smiled and waved goodbye to her before leaving for class. You opened the door a little to peek inside.

“May I come in?” You asked Professor Sevika who didn't look up from the papers she was marking, reading glasses on point and posture as sharp as ever.

“Yes, sweetheart.”

You blushed at the casualty and slowly walked inside, taking a seat next to the huge window. You always sat there, it was closer to Sevika and gave you a perfect view of her.

“You look tired.” Sevika commented.

“Mhm.” You could only hum. Doing your extra classes with her and trying to cope with the other classes has been draining you completely.

“What's wrong?” Sevika looked up from her papers and you both made eye contact.

“I've just had so much going on at home with dad's colleagues constantly coming to our place for whatever stupid business he's trying to do and dad's sort of been forcing me to delegate for him.” You explained.

“But isn't doing business your main goal anyway?” Sevika asked as she stacked the papers and put them in their respective files.

“Yeah, it is, but I don't want to do slavery. He wants to keep the money to himself!”

“Now that's just low.”

You nodded with a sigh, looking down at the plain black surface of your desk. “I guess, I'm just really overwhelmed with the pressure from there and chemistry has been so hard these days.” You paused before adding, “Besides, I'm missing out on a few basic classes in chem anyway, that would explain my low test scores.”

Your fingers fidgeting was enough to let Sevika know that you were stressed and you were scared you might not do well in your final tests.

“You can still drop chemistry.” Sevika said calmly, surveying you carefully to understand the storm brewing in your brain.

“I don't wanna disappoint my parents, teachers and peers—”

“You won't disappoint anyone.”

You sighed a little and started taking your business studies’ notes out. “I'm just drained. I need, like, a good rest or something.”

“When is our next extra class scheduled?” Sevika asked as she took her reading glasses off.

“Well, today is Wednesday so… Thursday. Tomorrow is the next extra class.”

“But tomorrow you're already doing four subjects, no?”

“Yeah… I guess, I'll be on the run.” You chuckled nervously before shifting to get comfortable on your seat.

More students started coming into the classroom so Sevika was bound to start her lecture. You felt so drowsy throughout the entire lecture which was unlikely considering it was your favourite subject, head lolling against your hand as you forced yourself awake.

The next day, when you had your extra classes after having 4 very mind destructive subjects to deal with, you were exhausted.

Your eyes were drooping, dark circles around your eyes but you didn't see Sevika in the classroom.

“Excuse me, do you happen to know where the business studies’ professor Sevika is?” you asked the receptionist, holding the strap of your bag tightly to ground yourself from sleep.

“Yeah, she's downstairs actually.”

“Downstairs…?” You repeated, confused before turning and leaving. The elevator was occupied so you took the stairs, pushing your body to focus going down the steps.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Her voice tore you out of your sleep.

“Hey… why are you down here?” You asked as you walked into the garage and she closed the hood of her car.

“Today's extra class will be held at my place, let's go.”

You were a little surprised but didn't question it. Sevika opened the car door for you and you sat down at the passenger seat.

She closed the door on your side and went to the driver's side.

As she sat down, the car's engine revved to life and she pulled out of the driveway. “So, how were classes?” Sevika asked as she drove past the traffic and towards the direction of her house.

You didn't answer. When Sevika looked your way she saw that you were deep asleep. With a soft smile now playing on her lips she parked her car and got out of it.

“My little bunny.” She whispered as she picked you off the passenger seat and took you inside.

When you woke up in the bedroom, you looked around and there was the golden glow of the lamp, Sevika was deep asleep by your side with one hand draped across your stomach and the other under you as if you weighed nothing.

You shifted closer to the older woman, smiling to yourself as you started drifting off to a peaceful slumber again.

You knew you were safe in her arms now and she would pamper you and take care of you to no end.

An hour passed, your limbs tangled with hers in nothing but innocent sleep. As you woke up with a start to check your phone, you saw your mother asked you where you were.

“Fuck.” You whispered and Sevika roused. “Hm?” She hummed in inquiry, forcing herself to get up, wrapping one arm around you.

“Mum’s asking where I am.” You answered as you typed a message in the reply box.

“Tell her the truth.” Sevika said simply and got up.

“What?”

“Tell her you're at mine for classes.” Sevika took her shirt off leaving herself in a tank top and pants. She looked hot. Her muscles were so juicy… so meaty, and gosh— you just wanted to be head locked and-

“You're staring.”

“Oh!- right, sorry.” You quickly typed the message to your mother and watched Sevika walking out of the room without saying anything. Moments later she returned with a box full of very expensive chocolates.

“Sevika,” you whispered her name and watched as she placed it on the bed next to you.

“Got it for you.”

“But they must've cost a fortune.” You opened the golden ribbon around the box and tipped the lid off to see the chocolates inside. They seemed so perfect and elegant.

“A woman like you deserves the finest things in the world.” Sevika said as if stating facts before she took on one of the chocolates out of the box, feeding it to you.

“My, my,” you teased and giggled, a slight blush creeping up onto your cheeks as Sevika fed you one of the delicious treats.

“Take a shower before you leave.” Sevika suddenly said, it was so random.

You decided to ask. “Why?”

“You smell like my cologne.”

[seeingivy]

it's nice to have a friend

eren jaeger x f!reader

**part of my canary mate fic

previous part here

--

[lizontopoftheworld]: you know i’m about to do something huge today? 

[busstopbilly]: We’re finally getting married? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: NO 

[lizontopoftheworld]: okay wait that sounded mean 

[lizontopoftheworld]: like i was against the idea 

[lizontopoftheworld]: not that i’m for the idea

[lizontopoftheworld]: not that i’m not not for the idea 

[lizontopoftheworld]: ANYWAYS 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you have to stop flirting this type of thign is not good for my brain

[busstopbilly]: Everything alright? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: … 

[lizontopoftheworld]: just have a lot on my mind 

[lizontopoftheworld]: kind of scatterbrained 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i am going to confront the prick. 

[busstopbilly]: Wow, what gives? 

[busstopbilly]: Give him hell. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: nothing serious actually 

[lizontopoftheworld]: it’s just a thing for something we’re doing together 

[lizontopoftheworld]: BUT it’s a big deal because i’ve never really given input on this thing because i’ve assumed that he doesn’t necessarily want my input on this thing? granted i don’t think he takes advice from anyone but still 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i know what i’m saying is right and that i should so i’m going to 

[busstopbilly]: :) 

[busstopbilly]: Proud of you. 

[busstopbilly]: Are you nervous? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i’ve prepared three counter arguments 

[lizontopoftheworld]: he literally will not catch me lacking and i’m going to try and keep my cool so that he knows that his dumb comments aren’t getting me 

[busstopbilly]: This is as much rehearsing as it takes for you to speak to your sister-in-law. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: god that’s a lost cause don’t even bring that up 

[busstopbilly]: Sometimes it feels like you’re a little harsh on her. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: SHE’S INSUFFERABLE BILLY 

[busstopbilly]: I’ll table that comment for another time. You’ve got to keep your wits about you. 

[busstopbilly]: Good luck, pretty girl. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: what’s up with you? 

[busstopbilly]: I am all types of frustrated. 

[busstopbilly]: It’s really hard to figure out what to do with what I’m working on. It’s aggravating because I know that it’s something that is entirely within my capabilities but I just can’t. 

[busstopbilly]: I’ve been working non-stop, been staring at my computer, and just getting so fucking frustated. It’s like I’m defective. Doesn’t help that it’s unreasonably high pressure at this point, but…

[lizontopoftheworld]: UGH im so sorry i didn’t mean to just start ranting at you with my own stuff 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you know, you’re very smart and capable. you’re going to figure it out eventually. 

[busstopbilly]: It’s weird. I was annoyed that I had the role I did before, but I fear I’m getting way too involved. I’m starting to care too much, which is never a good sign. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: it’s a good thing that you care 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and isn’t this close to like real medical stuff that you wanted to do?

[lizontopoftheworld]: just a sign that it’s something that’s actually stimulating. that you care about and want to work towards. 

[busstopbilly]: You always look for the positives. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you should take notes, sweetheart 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and you shouldn’t demand perfection of yourself. you are not defective if something doesn’t work out. you’re still a regular person, it’s okay to get stumped or struggle with it a little bit. 

[busstopbilly]: You know, my dad DOES demand perfection of me. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and that’s why we hate your dad. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i know you demand perfection of yourself too, that wanting to do well is natural, but be a little bit nice to yourself. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you’re going to figure it out. 

[busstopbilly]: Check back in at the end of the week. Hopefully, I’m still put together. 

[busstopbilly]:  By the way. 

[busstopbilly]: Sweetheart? 

[busstopbilly]: Do you mean that in a patronizing way or am I really your sweetheart? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: patronizing 

[busstopbilly]: You’re killing me. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i’m sorry, sweetheart <3 

--

you find eren in the main conference room, early in the morning on thursday. you can tell that he’s hard at work – old scans from sessions printed against the wall that he’s made notes on, intelligible jargon on the glass whiteboards, and his hair an uncharacteristic mess – surely from the amount of times he’s run his hands through his hair. 

you clear your throat, recalling all the talking points that you had rehearsed in the mirror the night prior, as you knock on the door and cautiously enter the room. you note that the smell of coffee is overwhelming – the freshly brewed cup sitting two feet away from you – and that the trashcan seems to be overflowing with empty energy drinks. 

eren doesn’t even notice your presence, his green eyes still fixed to the scan that he’s staring at, his hand raised in the air with the pen. you note that he’s wearing his glasses, that it looks like he hasn’t slept since you saw him yesterday, as you walk up to his side. 

“working hard, hm?” you ask. 

eren’s startled by the sound of your voice, jumping in the slightest, as you widen your eyes and feel your cheeks flush. way to start off on a good note. 

“sorry! sorry, i figured you noticed that i was here when i walked up to you.” 

“were you saying something to me?” he asks. 

you shake your head. you can tell that your presence has shattered some semblance of his concentration – that he’s annoyed with you because of it –  as he sets his pencil down and basically collapses into the chair across from you. you follow suit, sitting down in the chair too, as you uncomfortably shift against the worn out foam. 

“i’m too fucking tired to have a fucking conversation with you right now.” he utters. 

you fight the urge to scoff. 

“does talking to me truly take so much effort?” you retort. 

eren rolls his eyes, before slumping back down into the chair. 

“when you’re so hellbent on arguing, it does. and you don’t seem to talk to me otherwise.” 

“you don’t have to argue if you just agree with me. and why on earth would i be so hellbent on arguing with the most insufferable person that i know?” 

eren shrugs, clearly irritated. 

“you tell me, y/n.” 

you clear your throat, cracking all the knuckles in your hand. 

“i’ve come to talk to you about colt. the trial. you can’t tell falco that he’s on the verge of getting kicked out.” 

eren pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“well, obviously –” 

“his brother means a lot to him. his accident was really traumatic for his family, and even though he promised he wouldn’t get so self-involved, he obviously is. i mean, it’s his brother. he can’t help it. and there’s a lot of hope that this is giving him and i’d be scared to prematurely stop him in his tracks if we didn’t need to. they both talk about it so much that it would demoralize gabi too.” 

“oh, it definitely would, and -” 

“and they’re both sweet kids. their sincere passion and interest in the project is so sweet, i would hate for them to feel like it’s not working, to think that all of their work, our work, has amounted to nothing. i think that you and i could figure out which treatment we should do this upcoming week on our own, if you’ll take my help, and then we can go from there.” 

“well, i - “ 

you can’t help but ball your fists in your lap. 

“look, i know you don’t really like me, that you probably think that i’m being stupid and soft-hearted and whatever right now, but this means a lot to me. and i know that basically means nothing to you, but i’m just asking you as your colleague? friend? whatever it is that we are to just do this for me. i’ve never asked you for anything before, i don’t think i ever will again, and i’d just…really appreciate it if you could –” 

you’re promptly cut off from giving your entire spiel because eren reaches forward, placing both of his warm hands on your cheeks, in efforts to get you to stop talking. you look forward, noting that his eyes are so deeply green – that he really does look exhausted – as he applies a firm pressure. 

“stop talking please.” he murmurs, his tone soft. almost like you’ve pained him my rambling for so long. 

“what?” you whisper. 

eren lets go, the warmth retreating from your face, as he leans back in his chair. 

“you didn’t hear a word i said, did you?” he asks, his tone rather soft. 

you frown. 

“did you say something?” 

“i pretty much agreed with you after the first sentence, y/n. don’t know what the fuck you’re blabbing on about.” he murmurs. 

“oh. really?” you murmur, slightly embarrassed. you wouldn’t have put so much effort if he was going to give in that easily. 

eren gives you a thoughtful nod, before leaning his head against the back of his chair, and rubbing at his eyes. 

“i’m well aware that you think i’m not capable of being fond of anyone. but i am, very fond, of both falco and his brother. i would hate to let either of them down or cause anyone unnecessary stress, especially when this entire thing is my idea, so i would like to keep it between us. i was actually intending on having this conversation with you when i arrived.” 

“i’ve been here for five hours. it’s almost one in the afternoon, eren.” 

eren groans. 

“it seems that time has gotten away from me.” 

“how long have you been here?” 

“since yesterday. i can’t seem to figure out which region to target next.” 

you swallow hard. 

“did you really stay here the entire time?” you ask. 

he nods. 

“biked here so that you wouldn’t go out of your way last night.” 

you sigh, as you flip through the stack of papers on the table. he’s highlighted a bunch of sentences, underlined and circled random words with questions on the side, as you reach for the closest pens. 

“are you okay with me helping? more than i already am? maybe i can try some machine learning with the data we already have and use some of the analysis you’ve been using so…so we can feel more confident? i know that you don’t like me but…” 

“stop fucking saying that.” 

“what?” 

“that i don’t like you. you’re prickly, but i don’t hate anyone.” 

prickly? 

“i’m consulting a bunch of people who do the stimulation, have a few meetings with specialists this week before i pick what we’re going with next week. we have to make our best chance at an educated guess.” 

you nod. 

“that’s smart.” 

“you..you can join in the meetings, if you’d like. might mention stuff for analysis that would be useful for you to hear in real time instead of repeated from me.” eren offers. 

you can’t help but smile. 

“you’re really nice when you’re tired.” 

“don’t get used to it.” 

--

[busstopbilly]: Hi princess. 

[busstopbilly]: Sorry I haven’t messaged in a while, I hope you know I wasn’t ignoring you. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: no problem 

[lizontopoftheworld]: been working myself to the bone so hard i didn’t notice :O 

[busstopbilly]: Tell me about it. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: any luck with your project? 

[busstopbilly]: Well, I’ve somehow elicited help. She actually offered, but it’s helping things move along. I’ll be able to rest after Wednesday, I guess.   

[busstopbilly]: How about you? My pretty girl’s not working too hard, right? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i fell asleep on my laptop the other day. while i was still here. but that’s besides the point. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: worried about one of my children in the lab

[busstopbilly]: Your children? With who?

[busstopbilly]: We’d make cute children. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you don’t know what i look like. i don’t know what you look like. 

[busstopbilly]: Oh, so you think I’m ugly?

[lizontopoftheworld]: NO

[lizontopoftheworld]: you probably think i’m ugly, you didn’t even oppose that part of that statement

[busstopbilly]: Shut up. 

[busstopbilly]: You think you’re SO funny for that one. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: it was kind of funny 

[busstopbilly]: I know you’re beautiful. Anyways, who are these children? Why are you worried about them? Are they okay?

[lizontopoftheworld]: idk 

[lizontopoftheworld]: sitting on some news that would destory them. shit at keeping secrets so i’ve been tryign to keep it together 

[lizontopoftheworld]: just want to keep them from being hurt when they don’t have to be? 

[busstopbilly]: Awful kind of you to take that all upon yourself. Are you talking to someone about it?

[lizontopoftheworld]: you. 

[busstopbilly]: Liz. 

[busstopbilly]: Besides me. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you’re enough, you know? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: talking to you always makes me feel better 

[busstopbilly]: Me too, Liz. 

[busstopbilly]: I’d also feel better if I knew you were confiding in a friend. That someone was checking up on you if you’re stomaching something big, which knowing you, you probably are. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you are my friend 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and you literally checked up on me today

[busstopbilly]: Liz. 

[busstopbilly]: You stress me out sometimes. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: no one asked you to invite all this stress on my behalf. 

[busstopbilly]: Someone has to do it. 

[busstopbilly]: Plus, it’s you. 

[busstopbilly]: Kind of just comes naturally. Worrying about you. Wanting to make sure you’re okay. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you’re so cute i wish you were real

you eye the schedule that eren gave you at the end of yesterday that’s taped to the wall of your cubicle. there’s nearly seven meetings crammed into three days, each of which you’re both preparing an exhaustive list of questions for. it’s been back and forth – eren leaving comments on your document, you dropping an article into the chat between the two of you – as you read up on every last thing that you can find. 

“we brought you a peace offering.”

you look up to find gabi and falco standing at the side of your cubicle, with smiles on their faces. you return the gesture as they extend their hand out to you, with a cinnamon roll slightly squashed into a napkin, that you gratefully accept from them. 

“a peace offering for?” 

“well, first of all, we can tell that you and eren have been working tirelessly for the grant.” falco states. 

right. the grant that you already have. 

not that they needed to know that. 

“and no one likes to spend time with eren more than they need to. especially you.” gabi jokes. 

you laugh. 

“we just have a small request to make.” gabi states. 

you shoot them both a look. 

“gabi has to talk to pieck when we go to marley for the conference at the end of the month. and well, these type of things make her really nervous. also, i kind of told gabi that you’re not that fond of pieck and now she’s even more nervous to go there, so she really needs you there.” falco rambles. 

you glare at the two of them. 

“she’s not some demon you have to be scared of, guys.”  

“didn’t you say that you avoid going home because of her?” falco asks. 

you groan. 

“i didn’t tell you that for you to use it against me, falco. and…and she’s really nice actually, it’s just me having an issue with how hard she tries to be…nice sometimes. i’m sure that she will be a perfect picture of kindness when you meet her, it’s just…” 

you sigh, gesturing for the two of them to pull up chairs. the two of them give you an excited smile, both scattering to pull up chairs into your space, as you eye the cinnamon roll. it smells sweet, enough to make your stomach growl, as they attentively wait for you to talk in their seats. 

you and falco had a close mentor-mentee relationship. and by that, it meant that the two of you were really just friends, and you just gave him advice here and there. 

granted, you’re sure half of that is a byproduct of the fact that falco’s been alone in the dorms almost every single day since he’s one of the only students on the fellowship, that you’re the only person around to talk to, but it’s ultimately lead to some very serious conversations you should most definitely not be logging as work on your timesheets. 

“well, i’ve told falco a lot about pieck. but not you gabi.” you start. 

gabi offers you a smile. 

“i have an older brother named porco. he’s…he’s really plucky but you’ll like him when you meet him. he works at my parent’s business back home.” 

you smile. 

“when porco was in highschool, he started dating pieck. she kind of freaked me out because she was super preppy. captain of the cheer team, on the student council. she went the whole ten miles and we were just…i don’t know. serving people pizza in our free time. begging our teachers to tutor us during lunch. i never really understood what they saw in each other. they have nothing in common. can barely understand each other, from what it seems like.” 

“it’s romantic! opposites attract.” falco adds. 

you narrow your eyes at him. 

“anyways, she went to some big shot law school in a different country. i thought that she was going to break up with him to be honest, but they…they got engaged instead. did long distance their entire first year of marriage because my brother can’t really leave my parents. and she was really sweet through the entire thing, but…but i don’t know. her family wasn’t into it. the fact that we were immigrants. and even after we became citizens, they just thought that we weren’t worth their caliber. pieck didn’t seem to care, not even in the slightest, and she lives in our house now. practices in our city.” 

gabi gives you a thoughtful nod. 

“she gave up her entire family for your brother? is he cute? ” 

you shake your head. 

“yeah. i mean, i know they still send her money here and there, but they don’t speak to her at all. guess that’s their way of making sure that she’s taken care of, since they know we can’t.” you murmur. 

gabi frowns. 

“is she rich?” gabi asks. 

falco shoves her in the side. 

“you can’t just ask if she’s rich.” 

“no, no. y/n’s chill, i can ask her.” 

you fight the urge to laugh as you lean closer, giving gabi a coy look. 

“super rich. she has a nice cushy job and again, she still gets the money from her parents. she offered to buy me a car when i moved out here so that it would be easier for me.” 

gabi gives you a bright smile. 

“that’s a good fucking offer. i would ask her for hundreds of things if i were you.” 

you shrug. 

“it’s weird. it’s just kind of…i don’t know. she offers me a lot of things like that – money, advice – she tries really hard to be a big sister to me. porco’s sweet, but there was a lot of things that he didn’t do. i’m sure he’s told her that i work hard, that i don’t really take help from people, and i guess that’s why she’s so eager to try sometimes. but it just…i don’t know, i can’t bring myself to take help from her when we don’t know each other like that.” 

“she’s your sister.” falco deadpans. 

you shake your head. 

“it’s weird. i’m not saying that it makes sense. and she’s my sister-in-law.” 

gabi gives you a nod. 

“i know what you mean. you got here on your own, you’re convinced that you can get the rest of the way on your own too.” 

“exactly! and i’d owe her something at the end if i did take her help.” 

falco frowns at the two of you. 

“you know, you both have the same individualistic behavior. i’m not sure that it serves you any purpose. you know you won’t die if you rely on people. maybe she’s just trying to help you because you guys are literally family.” 

gabi shakes her head at falco. 

“that’s where you’re wrong falco. sometimes, the only person you have is yourself.” 

“that sounds awfully morbid.” eren states. 

the three of you turn your heads to find him standing at your cubicle, backpack strung over his shoulder, as you give him a nod. you drop your laptop into the backpack, zipping it up, as gabi takes her opportunity to argue with eren. 

“that’s literally something that you’ve said to me before.” gabi retorts. 

“right. but i have reason to say that. you’re young. you should be at the club or something.” eren responds. 

that earns him a laugh from falco, who eren shoots a wink to, before turning back to glare at gabi. 

--

eren’s able to snag the two of you a meeting with one of the people at the forefronts of trans-cranial magnetic stimulation research. you have a sneaking inkling that eren elicited some sort of assistance from his dad to get this arranged – or that his last name was enough of a segway in the first place – and it makes you slightly nervous. 

being on such uneven footing, meeting with people who are so important, when you can barely muster your one on one meetings with levi sometimes. 

nile dok. he’s got a nice office in an office building downtown, one of the soaring skyscrapers embedded in the middle of the city. 

“have you ever met nile dok?” you ask. 

eren’s taken aback by the question as the two of you walk in through the roundabout doors, waiting in the small line at the front desk. 

“yeah, uh…i’ve known him since i was a kid. he’s friends with my dad.” he murmurs. 

you give him a nod, mentally deciding that you deserve a sweet treat later for being able to predict that one, as the two of you walk up to the front desk. the girl sitting at the desk has a short bob and an almost pinched smile as she looks up at the two of you. 

“we have a meeting at four with nile dok. the last names are l/n and jaeger.” eren states. 

she gives eren a curt nod as she quickly types the names on her computer, before giving you a satisfied smile, indicating that she’s found the appointment. she reaches to her side drawer and slides two badges across the desk, with a small paper for parking validation. but before you can reach for yours, eren snatches it out of your hand, his eyes narrowed in frustration as he holds it up in front of her face. 

“what is this?” eren asks. 

“her badge?” the girl retorts. 

eren shakes her head. 

“no, no. this is a guest pass. get her a real one.” eren asserts. 

you put your hand on eren’s shoulder, squeezing hard to get his attention, as he drops the guest badge onto the desk and looks over at you. 

“it’s not a big deal, eren.” you murmur. 

he glares at you. 

“why the hell do i deserve a badge with my first and last name on it? did i do something special to deserve that that you didn’t?” he asks. 

you shrug. 

“well, you were the one who got us the meeting.” 

“yeah, i got us the meeting. not just me, you’re part of it too. i don’t entertain any of this guest pass bullshit, so just drop it. print her a real one, please.” eren murmurs. 

he turns back to the girl sitting at the desk, who is now shooting him an apologetic grin, as she types almost frantically on her monitor. you can tell that she’s avoided confrontation too much, that eren’s eyes are a little too piercing, because she’s basically pulling the badge out of the printer to speed up the time. 

and at the end of the excruciating minute, moreso for her than you, she slides a newly minted badge with your name embellished in bright bold letters. it can’t help but enrage eren more for some reason, as he turns to her one last time. 

“was that so hard?” eren asks. 

“it’s standard practice, i apologize. he’ll be on the third floor, last door on the right.” 

eren gives her one last nod before gesturing to you to follow him, to the long glass door at the end of the hallway. the elevator is empty as the two of you step in, a sweet sugary smell – like the remnants of someone’s perfume were left over – and you clear your throat. 

“thank you. for the badge.” 

“just prepare yourself, that’s only the half of it. he may be useful to us now, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s going to act like an asshole when we meet with him.” eren mumbles. 

the elevator whirrs to a stop and you follow eren down the hallway, your eyes whizzing past all of the certifications and awards that are printed on the wall. you note that eren’s dad’s name is included on some of them, that there are pictures of them standing on big stages – cutting ribbons together, holding glass awards – as you wait in the two chairs at the end of the hall. 

“he’s an asshole now?” you whisper. 

eren looks over at you, almost like he’s pissed that you’ve even stomached the courage to ask that question, before he slightly slumps in his chair. his hand is shaking at his side in the slightest, his fingers curled into a fist, as he gives you a nod. 

“he’s been an asshole. maybe even bigger than my dad.” 

you memorize that sentence and catalog it to your memory. 

the disdain in his tone. you never realized that eren wasn’t particularly fond of his dad. and figure that it must be irritating every time he comes around the lab. 

the door opens, a girl gesturing for the two of you to follow her into the office. eren gives you one last tight lipped smile as you enter the room, overwhelmed all together. 

the first thing you note is the smell. it nearly burns your nose – the sharp smell of the alcohol mixed with the heavy smell of the cigarette smoke – as you sit in the chair closest to the door. eren’s at your side, taking his jacket off, before handing it to you and whispering under his breath. 

“cover your legs.” 

you can feel your stomach churn as you listen to his instructions, draping his jacket over the exposed part of your legs, and balling your fists underneath the fabric. 

the second thing that you notice is that nile dok doesn’t look nearly as good as he did in the photos outside. you have a small inkling that the photos outside have to be photoshopped, that he didn’t look half as haggard as he did right now, slumped over his desk chair, and that most of the things that were in this room, were meant to keep up appearances. 

the designer suit that he was wearing. the embossed stationery. mahogany wood. 

“is this your girlfriend, eren?” nile asks. 

you swallow hard. surely he couldn’t be serious. 

“she’s my colleague. why would i bring my girlfriend to a work meeting?” eren seethes. 

“your dad used to do that before he married carla. thought you were taking notes out of his playbook.” 

eren rolls his eyes. 

“i would rather roll over in my grave before i did that. and my mom was his colleague too. she wasn’t his girlfriend back then.” eren notes. 

nile gives him a boisterous laugh, smacking one of his fists down onto the table – enough to make nearly all of the belongings shake on the desk – before turning over to you. you immediately divert your eyes, noting that the carpet has some very dried out stains, one that take a trained eye to notice, and that he must knock over things quiet often. 

and force someone to clean it up. 

“what’s your name, pretty?” he asks. 

“y/n l/n.” you respond. 

“l/n? are you from around here?” he asks. 

you shake your head. 

“i’m from marley.” 

nile gives you a nod. 

“what do your parents do research in?” 

you bite down on your lip, enough to draw a pool of warm, metallic blood into your mouth. 

“they’re business owners back in marley. they don’t do research.” you note. 

“oh. what type of business?” 

“they own a pizza parlor.”

nile gives you a strange look, one that’s enough to summon eren back into the conversation again. 

“they’ve probably worked more in one day than you’ve worked in your entire life, nile. but that’s besides the point. we’ve come here to ask you some questions. both of us.” 

--

“i can drive.” eren offers. 

“sorry, what?” 

“i can drive. you seem tired.” eren states. 

you shake your head. 

“i’m fine.” 

“you don’t have to be so self-sacrificing all the time. i can tell that you’re tired, that the meeting was more jargon that was really relevant to us because that dumbass was trying to show off, that him being an asshole gets tiring very fast, so just let me drive us home.” eren states. 

the tone in his voice indicates that what he’s saying is final, enough for you to relent and place the keys in the palm of his hand before walking around to duck into the passenger seat. and you’re not sure what it is – the fact that eren seemed to be arguing on your behalf, that he seemed more approachable when he was so tired, when the two of you had a common goal – that you ask. 

“nile seems very close with your dad.” 

“what?” eren asks. 

you shrug. 

“the pictures and the certificates and stuff. your dad was in all of them.” you murmur. 

“oh, right. nile’s kind of his prodigy. he used to live in my house.” 

you frown. 

“nile is younger than your dad? and he lived in your house?” 

“y/n, he’s only a few years older than us.” 

“what? why does he look so…ugly? and old?” 

eren coughs out a laugh. you look over to note that he’s smiling, that he’s got a dimple on his left side, and that he looks awfully attractive when he does that. 

“that’s what being an asshole does to you.” eren notes.

you nod. 

“he’s into the exact type of research that my dad does. he came from…from basically nothing and my dad helped him. gave him money for his projects, invested in the company. now, nile’s got a bigger head than he knows what to do with and he feels indebted to my dad so he kisses his ass whatever chance he gets.” eren states. 

“why were you so upset about the badge?” you ask. 

“they’re doing that to purposely undermine you. because you’re a woman.” eren notes. 

you can feel your throat dry. 

“really?” you whisper. 

“i’ve met hundreds of people like nile. you’re going to meet hundreds of people like nile too. and they do shit like that – purposely choose to omit your name from badges so they can call you sweetheart, act like you’re just there as an accessory and not there to actually make conversation – that stuff. just think about it. i listed your name first on our appointment. and yet they still chose to put my name on the badge and not yours.” 

you slump down into your chair. 

“oh. i didn’t realize.” 

“even down to the very principle, learning someone’s name is a simple sign of respect. the bare minimum of what you can do when you’re conversing with someone. and yet they can barely even humble themselves to do that, because they think they’re more important than you.” eren finishes. 

you decide that it’s enough of your curious questions. only because the rest of your curious questions are ones that you sincerely can’t ask. 

did they do that to your mom? 

is that why it annoys you so much when other people do it to me? 

is your mom still a researcher?  

you reach for the aux cord that’s hanging in the middle of the seat, before navigating your way to the playlist of scores that you had made to share with eren. the music is quiet, the instrumental nearly lulling your overwhelmed brain to sleep as you press your forehead against the window. 

“i like alan. from this score.” 

“you’ve watched the imitation game?” you ask. 

eren gives you a nod. 

“it’s a good movie.” eren responds. 

you smile. 

“that movie makes me feel better sometimes. to know that women were part of the forefront of science, even back then. and they had hurdles, endless hurdles that i couldn’t even begin to understand, and they’ve paved the way for me.” 

you take a deep breath. 

“just a reminder that i shouldn’t give up when things are hard for me because they didn’t either, you know?” you whisper. 

eren takes a beat before responding. 

“granted, it’s unfair you’ve got so many hurdles when you’re already so brilliant to begin with. it’s honestly kind of fucking ridiculous sometimes.” 

you can’t fight the urge to smile. 

“you think i’m brilliant?” you jest.

eren rolls his eyes. 

“oh, come on. you know you’re brilliant.” eren responds. 

“what?” 

“you’re the only person in the program who got in without doing the bridge program. you must have some insane work under your belt for erwin, levi, and hange to trust you after meeting you just once or twice. over people they’ve known and taught for years by the way.” 

you narrow your eyes at him. 

“i’m not the only person in the program who got in without doing the bridge program. you’re forgetting someone quite important.” 

eren rolls his eyes. 

“still. you’re brilliant. would do you well to realize that now before some idiot like nile dok tries to make himself more important than you.” 

you look over at him and smile. 

“okay. okay, yeah. i promise.” 

“and hell. you know how to argue with people. i know you’ve got it in you. you’ve been doing with it since you’ve met me. maybe redirect some of your irritation with me towards people like him.” 

you lean back. 

“oh, i’ll doubt i’ll be able to do that. you just bring out something special in me, eren.” you deadpan. 

“oh, i’m sure.” eren retorts back.

--

an: anyways

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[gotham-daydreams]

Hi hi! Anon that can easily stay stuck in their imagination here-

I'm so glad you answered my ask!! And yeah in a situation like not [] where they will try very hard to not physically hurt the reader a case where they will is more difficult. Honestly it depends on the person's will.

Most people can't take torture nor can that take having their independence taken away.

And while the reader in not [] is very much more angry than numb to them at the end of part 3, I feel it takes a lot to be broken.

Personally spite would keep me from giving in. I don't have a lot to ask for but basic decency and admittance of guilt but the batfam is too prideful and selfish to ever do such a thing.

And I live with pain all the time so being in more pain isn't ideal but it's not something I couldn't handle. In the case were my limbs are taken they only thing they can't take from me is my mind

I mean they could always try other methods, drugs and surgeries (lobotomy is such a horrifying concept fr) and such but honestly doing that would be completely destroying what once was.

The batfam is mostly selfish to the point where they are obsessed with the IDEA of reader not who they actually are. A part of me would hope that in destroying who reader was they would feel remorse and do what's right but the other part of me doubts that.

It would take a lot for them to actually feel to do what's right and at that point what's right is taking reader out back for a final send off.

But in such a case where the mind is gone then you really have nothing but a shattered vase. You can try putting it back together but you'll never succeed. A broken vase is much easier to fix than a shattered one after all.

Overall I have enough spite and mostly enough pain tolerance to stick through my decision of staying with my head in the clouds

In all honestly the human body can only last so long when the person in the body has no will to exist. You can feed it and bathe it, take care of that bag of flesh made to carry your bones and organs with all the right ingredients, but the brain knows when the metaphorical heart isn't in it and will only last so long, no amount of reviving can fix that sadly

It's why I wouldn't mind being kidnapped if they would actually take the steps to put their pride and selfish nature away. Yeah staying trapped in the manor sucks but continuing on with the forgive and forget attitude is a surefire way to get one to despise your guts.

I'm so glad you have returned for a bit!! I apologize for rambling in your ask box I am a certified yapper and hopefully all my yapping doesn't sound as scatterbrained as it does in my head-

Stay safe!! Don't forget to hydrate! I hope you have a lovely day or night

YES!!! YOU GET IT!! HAHA!

Also don't even worry about it, I love all of these long submissions and such and they are such a joy to read!!! I hope you have an amazing day/afternoon/night as well, and again, don't even worry! I'm a certified yapper too LMAO

But seriously you so get it and I love you for that anon! The family is so fixated on the idea of the reader moreso than them as an actual person. They, ultimately, care more about feeding their own delusions and ideas of what could be - and they do that through the reader. Misery loves company, after all, and what I was also basically trying to get at with the previous post which is, well-

They'll grasp at straws. They'll tear away at everything, and destroy whatever they 'have to', and anything that gets in the way if it means getting what they want. No matter how broken it is, they'll keep replacing parts- and even if it'll never be the same, even if you will never be the same, as long as you look the same, and physically are the same person... well, they'll keep that. They'll take what they can get, and they'll make sure of that above all else - even if it means essentially losing you in the process.

If anything, I also feel like my other previous posts I've made today support that- LMAO

That they'll absolutely destroy you, only to physically keep you around, and whereas they'll all have their own methods of treating you and keeping you around - as I do doubt that all of them will be so selfish and self centered to not even try to apologize or work things out in a semi civil manner - its still ultimately harmful regardless. Though, that's mainly because of their borderline obsession with progress.

Specifically, for the Not [ ] Series (and I hope this'll show in Chapter 4 as it is sort of why things go down the way they do), why things have ultimately turned this way and why they get so messy so quickly is because of that obsession of progress. Obviously, they want to be with the reader and be the totally happy family that they never were - but they're biggest problem is that they're impatient. They're impatient and the reader... well, they basically aren't giving the family any avenues to make progress-

WHICH IS OKAY!! It's perfectly fine to want space and time just... away from others, especially if they are the ones that hurt you so deeply and greatly affected their life. Especially when, like the reader, the family made them suffer alone and by themself for years. They were essentially isolated and kept away from everyone except for Alfred, and no one encouraged them. No one was there for them at all, and as they express and say in Chapter 3 - they feel like their efforts were in vain. Everything was all for not, and it's okay to want to be away from that, even if the family technically didn't do anything, because it was ultimately their inaction that caused this in the first place.

The reader just needs space because, until a few months ago, they were around and stuck in a place where they felt unneeded, unwanted, and just... alone. They want more of that space so that they can clear their head and finally focus on what they want to do in their life, because now they're actually getting a chance to actually live their life and they love it! So the prospect of going back.. of being in the mansion again? Of going back to that horrible, isolating life? They can't do it. Especially when they can't bring themself to believe that the family's intentions are genuine. Especially when they just don't want to 'risk' things going back to how they were, because god damn it- they just started living their life!! And it's like the family is trying to take that away again.

Nevertheless, the family will still try to do what they can to get what they want, and if Chapter 4 will show anything, is that when given no room... they'll make it. They'll rip and tear, and most importantly, they'll take.

I feel like the end of Chapter 4, and subsequently- the beginning of Chapter 5 (if i write it how i think I will when i get to that point) will definitely spawn all the spite and dread someone will need for a lifetime, believe me! And honestly I have all hopes for people like you being able to withstand the torment that will come from most of the family. Though, I will also say that, or course, that is most of them.

Push comes to shove, hell, at least Alfred will have you with how reasonable he'll seem - with him definitely beinf the most guilty when it comes to making others out to be worse than they are, and acting as your savior. Both literally and figuratively as he will comfort you and, as usual, act as a voice of reason with some much added sass thrown in there.

I also feel like Bruce, despite his own pride, would also sit down and talk it out - and I won't go into much detail here as it will be shown in Chapter 4, but let's just say he'll try. He may not be very successful as he is a man of few words at his core, but I'll say that he won't be one of the people impulsively tearing off any limbs, that's for sure!

Barbara is in a similar boat as she'll try to reason and talk things out, but she isn't one of the family members 'living' with you, so...

Aaand I won't go too indepth with the others as I feel this post in long enough- though just note as well that Selina would try to be another voice of reason (and also manipulation), and so would Duke - who would try to also hold people back from doing anything 'rash' (since, if anyone is going to not only seem reasonable, but also feel genuine, it would be him. hands down. and sure, maybe it'd be Dick... if the whole argument didn't happen LMAO) if they were in the series, which... I'll definitely try to include them going forward as they are apart of the Batfam- I just didn't have a means to include them into the series, and now that it's lowley wrapping up... well, I think it's just best to include them elsewhere!

Nevertheless, thanks for sending this in! I really enjoyed reading it, along with the first one you sent in as well! I love long submissions so much (though any submission/ask makes me happy as hell), and, again, this was really fun!! I always love a good excuse to yap too, as you can tell...

Regardless, again, have an amazing day/afternoon/night, anon!!! You get it fr 💛💛💛

And if I misread or misunderstood anything... feel free to correct me! I read pretty fast and tend to skip over words and such by accident, which is... hilarious considering things, but yeah! I'm sorry if I misunderstood anything, but regardless, again, this has been fun and I love you 💛

[blueberrypancakesworld]

Hello. How are you? If your requests are open. Is it possible to do this request? Yandere Joel (Smile) and female reader. This guy is my new favorite. And I'm so happy to see someone writing about him. If you don't want to write, just ignore. Thanks.

Your smile forever

Yandere!Joel x fem!reader

warning : yandere behaviour, obsession, little fluff, kissing, cuddling, mention of murder

Summary : Ever since you met, Joel was the epitome of courteous and sincere...but since the murders, her boyfriend seems to have changed into something else, something that no longer radiates the warmth he once did.

info : Hi dear anon i'm fine thanks, i hope you're fine too, i'm so happy you like Joel and i love, love the yandere idea. Have fun reading :)

masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the moment she looked into those bright loving eyes, the smile and the dark wispy hair, she knew she had lost her heart to the policeman.

A man as nice, sincere and a little scatterbrained as Joel was just as sweet as his dog, loyal and above all always looking for a hug...at least in the morning when he didn't want to get up.

When she felt his hands wrapped around her body, a pleasant warmth, the tiredness in his voice, ,,Morning...my sweet" and the kiss on her neck as he snuggled up to her for a few more minutes.

Joel was one of the best partners she had ever had, he was a dream, he was everything she had ever wanted and vice versa.

Joel loved her, loved his girlfriend with all his heart, things didn't always go well in his job, the city wasn't a cosy country house in peace and quiet, but none of this bothered her.

She loved him and he loved her, they were happy with the situation they were in and that wouldn't change from the moment he gave her a lift in his police car after a stranger had slashed her tyres, they had started talking and since he had tasted her chocolates in her little shop as a thank you he had fallen for her completely.

It was like meeting someone from a love film, but it was perfect...perfect until the moment she heard again and again and again about these brutal murders on the news.

Murders that were far more than just a shooting or a knife attack, they were outright brain killings, they were horrific acts, they were chilling and disturbing.

There were days when she realised something, when she perhaps lied to herself, when she closed her eyes, but something seemed to change in Joel.

The mornings seemed cool, ,,Just stay at home, close for today and start next week, it's not safe at the moment" his voice was just as tired as ever, but full of coolness.

The care in the kiss gave her goose bumps because he pulled her tighter than ever, tighter than he ever had, that care seemed to suffocate her...but what could she do?

He was a policeman, he was her boyfriend, he knew exactly how dangerous the city was, ,,All right, but i'll start again on monday...i know you like the chocolate chocolates best" she tried to release that coldness, heard him smirk but the way he ran his fingers over her side, still warm, only gave her more goose bumps.

Using the day off to tidy up a bit, answer a few emails and work on her poetry, a hobby that mostly helped her clear her mind, but again, again, the aftermath of those horrible deeds was reported.

Joel seemed to be right, what if she had a night out and on the street, one of these acts would just happen to her?

She hated walking back to the apartment complex at night anyway and Joel usually picked her up, but alone she shook herself and tried to focus back on the screen and her books.

The thought of tomorrow kept running through her mind until the pling of her attention went to her mobile phone.

Joel had texted her that he was bringing pasta from her favourite restaurant.

Maybe an apology, she heard her thoughts as she turned back to her hobby, unable to guess what he wanted, what this coldness was, what it was in Joel that was spreading.

It was a few more hours before she heard the door open, the dogs barking and the ,,Hi, I'm back dear!" from Joel as he put the pasta down in the kitchen and felt his arms around her again.

He wrapped his arms around her again, the kiss affectionate but forceful, he seemed more forceful and yet there was still the same love in his gaze.

,,A good shift?" she asked as they set the table, not seeing the smile on his lips almost disappear as he seemed to see the horror unfold before his inner eye.

He had seen it, had seen what this monster could do, he would not let it hurt his love.

He would keep her here, lock her up if necessary before he even saw a scratch on her, he loved her too much to let her go...he had left that boundary behind him for a long time, it was only a matter of time before he was completely absorbed in the feeling of ‘love’.

Putting the plate down and letting the smile come back he replied, ,,Of course I have to keep my heart and the city safe" and his wink made her smile, a smile that made his heart beat faster, she was perfect, the most precious thing he had in this dreadful city.

How could he let her go?

How could he ever let her go?

Never, never would Joel let her go.

The meal was quiet, a little talk here and there about his shift, which route they would go tonight and what her poem was doing.

He had even fed her a little, insisting that she take the first bite of the pasta, ,,Mmm delicious...but have they changed the recipe?" she asked after swallowing the pasta and sauce.

Normally the food wasn't so sweet on the palate but it didn't taste too bad, ,,Maybe I didn't ask" she heard Joel's short reply and just looked at him for a moment before continuing to eat.

But the more she ate, the more the minutes passed and she realised how tired she was, how exhausted and exhausted she seemed - she hadn't done that much today.

Yawning again and taking a sip of water, she saw Joel's intense gaze, ,,Are you all right, darling?" he asked and she felt his hand on her shoulder as she stood up, the swaying suddenly taking hold of her as he intercepted her and held her close.

He ignored her pleas and protests that she wanted to vomit, the pasta wasn't good, the loving eyes suddenly seemed all the darker and his smile was a cruel one as her last attempt to push him away failed miserably.

,,Everything will be fine, it won't hurt my dear" he said as he took her sleeping, unconscious body in his arms and carried her into the bedroom.

Carefully laying her down on the bed he stroked a strand of hair from her face for her cheek before the click went through the room.

It would only be for her protection, she would only have to stay here chained up for one night, in the morning he would explain everything to her...she would understand...she had to understand and with one last kiss, one last look at the woman he loved and only wanted to protect, he closed the bedroom door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@spookythingsss , @mythicalea , @streamermattsgf , @gulnarsultan , @angelsanarchy , @the-a-word-2214

[pikatrainer99]

Sinnoh Trio character analysis (headcanon supportive) SPOILER WARNING FOR A POKÉSPE MANGA ARC THAT IS OVER A DECADE OLD AT THIS POINT BUT STILL, JUST IN CASE! 😅

This post is a follow-up to my post where I drew the Sinnoh Trio as TBH (autism) creatures. That is my personal headcanon and today I'm going to analyze these kids, and go more in-depth on why I hold this headcanon. I'm going to focus on one character at a time here, followed by a scene analysis of a particular important moment...so this will be a long post because these kids are SO neurodivergent and I love them so much.

First up, we have Pearl, who is my favorite of the Sinnoh Trio and the one I relate to the most. My personal headcanon for him is that he is AuDHD (both autistic and ADHD). I also headcanon him to have an anxiety disorder (specifically GAD) because he is constantly freaking out over pretty much everything (which is so relatable as someone who has GAD myself). There's so many panels that show his anxiety that I honestly can't pick ones to include here...

Anyway, on to the ADHD, Pearl exhibits many traits. He is constantly on the move and impatient and loud, and wants everything to be done immediately. He's energetic and much faster compared to Diamond and Platinum, even to the point of always being the first one to wake up every morning. This is, in my opinion, the ADHD side of him, it reminds me a lot of my ADHD brothers who act like this often. Because of these traits, I personally feel like Pearl has the hyperactive type of ADHD rather than the inattentive type, as he is shown to be not scatterbrained and is capable of focusing on whatever he's doing quite well, even able to go into hyperfocus mode at times, which is an extremely ND thing to do (and is common in both autism and ADHD). He is also the most rational of the trio, which I always found interesting that they actually gave the Barry counterpart the brain cell. So yeah, he's hyperactive, but to me he doesn't seem to have many issues with his attention span.

Now, onto Pearl's autism, which I feel more confident to talk about because I'm autistic myself and I know what to look for in terms of traits and behaviors, and the first thing I noticed with Pearl is that he has a CLEAR special interest in comedy. He's INCREDIBLY passionate about it, he's the one who decided that he and Diamond should become a comedy duo, he's the one who writes all their scripts and all their sketches, he's the one who always initiates practice time, and he's DEFINITELY the one who takes it the most seriously out of the duo, to the point where he had (what seems like to me) a legit meltdown about how Diamond didn't stick to the script and how awful their performance in the comedy competition was because of it, complete with yelling, nearly bursting into tears, and being afraid that Diamond was breaking the promise they'd made to become comedians all the way back when they were 4 years old. Looking back on it now, I think THAT was his biggest problem with the whole situation and what caused him to completely explode like that in the first place, because once Diamond reassures him that he's not breaking the promise, Pearl IMMEDIATELY cheers up and tells him "No use moping about today then!" when that was EXACTLY what he was doing just seconds ago. He then initiates practice time for NEXT MONTH'S comedy competition, his mind ALREADY hyperfocusing on their next opportunity...and this is their INTRODUCTION SCENE! This all LITERALLY happens within the first few pages of volume 1 of the DP arc! Here's the scene I'm talking about.

Also in regards to his special interest in comedy, there's something he does with Diamond that I've gotta talk about...and that's using the comedy routines as their own special way of communicating. They use it almost as if it's their own language, they use it to process things, they use it to give hints to Platinum when she's battling, they even use it when they meet someone new as kind of a judge of their character (in the minds of these children, if they make the person laugh, the person can be trusted, if not, stay away...that kinda thing). He even outright tells Platinum that he uses it to communicate through rhythm. I always found it interesting how they used the comedy like that, and it definitely helps with my belief that it is in fact, a special interest for them, as special interests do actually be like that, I speak from experience. Here's some examples of this usage of the comedy routines.

Another thing about Pearl that I noticed is he's REALLY not good at communicating how he's feeling or what's on his mind. He also is (brutally at times) honest, speaks his mind, and doesn't sugarcoat things. He can come off as rude and bossy because of this, even though he's really a good kid. This is something I relate to because I'm the same way, I also struggle with communicating my thoughts and feelings, and I'm also brutally honest, speak my mind and don't sugarcoat things. I have been perceived as rude and bossy so many times in my life it's not even funny. Another thing I find relatable about Pearl is that he can't lie to save his life (neither can I), here's a good example of such a moment.

(Uh-huh...SUUUURRRREEEE ya did, Pearl XD)

Also, while we're on the topic of expression, Pearl is VERY hyperexpressive, which is once again, very much an ND thing (I am hyperexpressive a lot of the time myself)...he almost always reacts to basically anything in an over-the-top, exaggerated way, compared to Diamond and Platinum's more calm and composed approach to things...I'm seriously thinking of doing a post of all of my favorite Pearl expressions because he's got so many great ones!

Pearl seems to exhibit low empathy (a stark contrast to Diamond's hyperempathy), but he really does care about his friends and will even help wild Pokémon. The wild Luxio that he helped in the chapter titled "Extreme Luxio" is one of my favorite Pokémon in the whole manga and his dynamic with it is very wholesome. He figures out that it's being ostracized by its pride because of the fact that it's disabled - its claws are too short, which makes it harder for it to communicate with the others in its pride. Pearl helps it out, and even says to the others, "Listen all of you, it's got a disability, and can't communicate as clearly as the rest of you! That's no reason to reject it!" He was quite angered by this situation and when you put my headcanon into perspective here, it's quite easy to see why. But anyway, point is, he went out of his way to advocate for and help a disabled Pokémon, and it leads to one of the best Trainer/Pokémon bonds in the series in my opinion, as the Luxio comes back later, now a Luxray and the leader of its pride...and decides to become one of Pearl's Pokémon. That moment is so sweet and wholesome and I'll just leave the picture of their reunion here for you guys. Look at them hug! They're so happy to see each other again!

Pearl also seems to have hypersensitive hearing (as do I), as demonstrated when he hears someone who's basically lost his voice calling out for help from a ways away.

He also experienced what I can't help but percieve as sensory overload in the Old Chateau when all the Gastly were hovering around the place making vibrations that were so loud it shook the room and it overwhelmed him a lot. I get it Pearl, that would be too much for me too...just look at his reactions here, he's clearly in pain.

I also sometimes can't help but feel like Pearl is unaware of his own strength, like when he hits Diamond in their comedy routines...I get the feeling that he doesn't quite understand that he's hitting Diamond way too hard, as he seems shocked and taken aback when Diamond finally stands up to him and tells him he's not happy with everything he's been doing lately. Diamond makes it a point to make Pearl aware of how much getting smacked by him hurts...all I can say is, good for Dia, but judging from Pearl's reactions to his best friend's words...oof...just look for yourselves...

My takeaway from this scene is that Pearl was being made aware of all this for the first time, and not only felt like a bad friend, but also, he was once again afraid that Diamond would leave him...which he really REALLY didn't want, and I totally get why, considering how long they've been friends and how much like brothers those two are (though Pearl is SO parentified during their journey it's insane and it's another HUGE stressor for him which does NOT do his anxiety any good). And now that I've decided to open THAT can of worms, I might just do a post about it as well. Because...yeah it's not good considering the fact that HE IS 12!!! Still very much A CHILD!!!

At least Pearl learns from his mistakes, which I really love his development. After his and Diamond's fight, he learns to mellow out a bit (that says ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about his anxiety though). You can really tell that losing Diamond's friendship...that is one thing he absolutely DOES NOT want, and he makes a conscious effort to improve his treatment of him. He starts by not hitting Diamond in their comedy routines anymore, and even letting him come up with his own joke instead of always doing it himself and forcing his own ideas onto him. While he still yells a lot, it's mostly out of worry for his friends now rather than pure anger towards them. He even learns how to put himself in Diamond's shoes at one point, during his fight to protect Azelf from Team Galactic. I love this moment btw, it's a great moment of realization for him.

All in all, in my opinion, Pearl is an amazing AuDHD character who goes through a great character arc (and unfortunately, a trauma arc as well, as per usual with PokéSpe protags...there's NO WAY he doesn't have PTSD after all he went through in both the DP and PT arcs, I refuse to believe he's fine after all that), and I absolutely wholeheartedly love this child like he's my own son. Now for the next member of the Sinnoh Trio...Diamond!

Diamond, in my opinion, is EASILY a hyperempathic autistic child...his Dexholder title is literally "The Empathizer" and he is associated with Mesprit, the Pokémon known as the Being of Emotion. He is the only member of the trio with more than one special interest from what I can see. His are comedy (which he shares with Pearl, but his interest is to a lesser extent than Pearl), cooking (which he's extremely good at and takes very seriously), and a TV show called Proteam Omega (which his enthusiasm for it is way too adorable honestly).

Diamond is the most impulsive member of the trio, which like how they gave the Barry counterpart the brain cell, I find it interesting that they made the Lucas counterpart the impulsive one. He possesses a strong sense of justice and wants to do what he believes is right, including stand up to Cyrus, much to Pearl's dismay (this was actually the catalyst for their big fight in volume 4). He is very intuitive, his emotional intelligence is mostly intuition to him and he's also much, MUCH more perceptive than he lets on, for example he knew the whole thing with him and Pearl being Platinum's bodyguards was a misunderstanding from the beginning, but he didn't say anything about it because he was enjoying their time together and didn't want it to end. Here's that scene where he reveals he knew all along.

Diamond is a very calm, laid-back, "go with the flow" kind of kid. But I think this is because he's constantly feeling A LOT...he's extremely empathic, so he picks up on others' emotions easily and it happens so much he just keeps it all in and resorts to being incredibly calm throughout it all. When he DOES get upset or serious though, he's like a whole different person. He's hard to anger, but he is absolutely capable of getting angry. His anger though, is the tranquil fury kind. He's not explosive like Pearl, but rather, he gets much more serious and intense. Here's an example of angry Diamond.

(He angy boi.)

Diamond is also an easy crier, of the Sinnoh Trio, he's the one who is the easiest to bring to tears...which I can't stand...everytime any of these three cry it breaks my heart...and we'll talk about the scene that's the biggest offender of that soon. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Diamond is the one who's most in tune with his emotions, compared to Pearl and Platinum, who struggle with that. It makes sense though considering his hyperempathy. Also, can I take a minute to mention that he has the type of big eyes that are similar to the TBH creature...? Yes...? Okay. He does. I saw a post about this recently and it's so true! His eyes are so similar to TBH it's not even funny! And it makes total sense too, that's the best part!

Diamond is more of a pacifist than Pearl and Platinum. He's a pure, sweet soul who can do no wrong. He doesn't like conflict, he much prefers to make people smile instead. I love this about him, I don't think there's a PokéSpe protag that actually acts their age as much as Diamond does. In my opinion Diamond is a precious autistic bean and I absolutely love him like a son as well. Now for the final member of the Sinnoh Trio...Platinum Berlitz!

Platinum is definitely a masker, she's incredibly good at passing for NT (probably because of her upbringing). But there are definitely cracks in that mask that I've picked up on. First, her special interest, which is learning and experiencing new things. She says that back home she always read a dozen books a day, but seeing her actually experiencing the things she'd read about and having so much fun is great, she throws herself wholeheartedly into everything she tries, it's honestly adorable. She is also a bad liar, though she at first "lies" all the time, even though Pearl sees right through it and catches her everytime. Here's some examples.

Platinum is a stimmer. Plain and simple. She moves her arms up and down really fast when she's excited about something, and it's often accompanied by her saying "New experiences! New experiences!" in a sing-song voice.

(Why is she so adorable?!)

She is also an infodumper...a MASSIVE infodumper...just look at this scene with Thorton as just one example.

Platinum is also not the best with words, and finds that writing is the most effective way for her to organize her thoughts and feelings, as well as communicate them (relatable). She says so herself in volume 5, after finding out the truth that Diamond and Pearl are not her real bodyguards, and the scene of her reading the letter is so wholesome I love it so much!

Another thing I've noticed with Platinum is that she is a mimicker (something I myself did A LOT as a child), despite all her attempts to deny it. She often copies things she sees the others doing, even mimicking...SMACKING HERSELF...at one point, as seen here, complete with quietly saying to herself "Stop it! Stop it!"

She also has the capability to hyperfocus, particularly on details (when she thought that Diamond and Pearl were her bodyguards because green and red scarves were what she was told about them and since the boys had green and red scarves she immediately latched on to that specific detail despite everything else about them screaming that they're just kids). She also hyperfocuses when she's playing the slot machines in the Veilstone Game Corner in what is probably one of my favorite scenes in the manga, it's so funny! Because of that intense focus though, she is INCREDIBLY good at the slot machines which is hilarious to me considering she is like the richest person in Sinnoh and yet she still becomes addicted to gambling. I dunno, that scene is just funny, okay? I mean, look at her! She's so hyperfocused on it and it's just great!

Platinum is my favorite rich girl character in any media ever, and the fact that she's autistic coded in my opinion really helps with that as well. But she's also just a sweetheart who loves learning things and is just such a precious child. They're all precious children and I love them all so much. They are my fictional children and I would die for them.

Now, time for the scene that gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME...the scene where they split up to try and protect the three lakes. Pearl goes to Lake Valor, Diamond to Lake Verity, and Platinum to Lake Acuity. On their first morning separated from each other, they wake up and realize everything is so different now that the Pokédex isn't beeping. They all talk to themselves about their morning routine, Pearl gets up first, and is always the first in the lobby, then Platinum comes down afterwards, then Diamond comes after that...and the Pokédex always beeps to let them know that everyone's there together...but now it's not making a peep. Once they realize that, they all start crying and breaking down...and it's heartbreaking to read every single time. Just look at these poor kids...

Taking my headcanon into account here, I see this scene as not only being sad that they're separated from each other, but also the stress of their routine being broken for the first time since their journey started. The way they all recite step by step how their morning routine always went when they were together, and then just start breaking down when the realization hits that everything's different now...yeah, I relate to that feeling, if my routines are broken, I get real thrown off, recite how it's supposed to be, and then break down...it's very similar to what the Sinnoh Trio are experiencing in this scene. I would analyze more scenes but this post is already way too long as it is, so I'll leave it at just this one.

Well, that's it for my headcanon supportive analysis of the Sinnoh Trio from PokéSpe! These three are my favorite characters in the manga and this headcanon is one I will hold till the day I die. My two main beliefs I hold about these kids are this headcanon, and "Do Not Separate Them!"

I hope you all can understand where I'm coming from with all this headcanon stuff. Also, headcanon deniers, you STAY AWAY from this and do not interact with this! I know it's not canon, that's why it's called a HEADcanon...I don't force my headcanons onto other people, I just talk about them, so I don't need headcanon deniers forcing their "canon" beliefs onto me!

Thank you for reading, and I hope you all enjoyed this analysis! Please feel free to let me know how I did in the comments, and if you support this headcanon and think I missed anything, please let me know what I missed! This is only my second time doing this in my life after all, so I'm not used to this kinda stuff and I'm pretty nervous about it honestly.

[amass0fvoices]

Genuinely a little bit heartbroken rn

I finished Hi-Fi Rush today. It took me a little over 3 and a half weeks between work and life, but it’s been in my brain constantly since I started it

But I’m sad because the person that got me interested in it, whose art was the first time I ever saw the characters, isn’t on tumblr anymore. And either im too scatterbrained to remember any of the tags I reblogged their stuff with, or the search function has just gotten more messed up over the 6 months I didn’t look at tumblr. I’m for sure at least too scatterbrained to remember what their blog was called. I thought I did, but I was thinking of someone else.

I wanna tell them how much I loved playing it. That there wasn’t a point where I stopped playing because I was bored. I only put down the controller when I had to. I loved it so much, after I beat it on Xbox and my brother decided it was his turn, I bought it and all of the dlc on steam. I wanna tell them I’ve been playing the soundtrack constantly for weeks and what songs I’ve had on repeat for days. I wanna ask them what their favorite stage was, what boss they had the most fun with, what’s their high score for rhythm tower, if they’ve beaten any stages on rhythm master or not, what combos do they use the most

Fuck.

[creep-u-out]

kind of incoherent rant/vent

imagine stalking me but I’m in my room SOBBING and freaking out thinking something really bad is going to happen to me or I’m going to fuck something up and get dry socket so I google a billion questions essentially asking the same thing just to be safe but I’m so upset because everything is miserable and I miss doing normal things like eating solid foods or talking to people or smoking or drinking like genuinely the only substance I’m able to rely on rn is my prescribed codeine atp I’m gonna start smoking through my fucking nose I’m so exhausted of this and it’s only the second day of recovery and now i’m probably gonna have to postpone my birthday celebration because of this shit and I’ll probably look ugly on my birthday and it’s gonna make me so mad because I hate looking like this it actually makes me feel disgusting and I don’t even want my boyfriend to look at me but I also miss him so badly fuck I’m crying again because he’s not responding to me he is too busy having fun times with his friends while I’m crying and in pain but I can’t even blame him because I don’t want anyone around me rn. I feel like my brain is frying itself from being on a device all day and not having any proper social interaction aside from my family, I drew today but everything I draw sucks because I’m horrible and untalented and worthless and I’m shit at everything I do and I need to give up but that’s pathetic and I am not pathetic or am I??? I don’t know. I might be pathetic and that’s a pathetic thing to realise god fucking save me I have to wait up to a week before I’m allowed to even drink alcohol again wtf do I do with myself I can’t even feel cute anymore I’m so gross and ugly looking now. Wow this post is way longer than I intended it was literally just meant to be the first like sentence but I guess scatterbrain has gotten to me and my painkillers probably also kicked in man I wish they numbed mental pain too cuz why am I crying so much . I mean hey on the bright side I’m probably losing a lot of weight cuz I can hardly eat anything lolz. ugh I wanna take more codeineee but I don’t wanna run outtt. I don’t even enjoy living anymore wtf also I haven’t cut myself in a hot minute do u guys think that’ll make me feel better. But lowkey im already in so much pain it might just be a nuisance to deal with on top of it all . Ugghh I hate this all I just wanna timeskip to when im recovered so everything can gl back to normal also it has been 40 minutes since he last texted is he ignoring me .. no he would never do that .. he’s probably having too much fun rn without me haha im having fun too i fucking love talking to myself on tumblr while holding an icepack to my face and crying this is the peak of my life on god nothing will ever beat this experience. getting my wisdom teeth taken out is so fucking humbling dude lmao I would genuinely rather be at school this week than rotting in my bedroom like this. And my BIRTHDAY in two days like??? I swear to fuck if this swelling doesn’t go down soon I’m gonna overdose on all this codeine bruh

[syaruru]

im

so fucking STUPID

I LOST MY NOTES ON THE FUCKING SCHISM IN SUFFIXUAL NOMENCLATURE OF JAPANESE ROYALTY IN THE 700S & NOW I'VE GOTTA DO ALL OF THAT AGAIN WHAT IF OH MY GOD I'M TWEAKING OUTTTTT STOP THIS MADNESS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJFJAGFDGDGJLSGNFNLGFDSKJGLKFDSJKLASD

wait i'm so normal. wait i'm sooooo normal. wait it's fine i;m so normal it's cool.

wait it's so fine because it's so fine. i'm fine

how did i lose this, i'm too scatterbrained i have to go outside i need to touch grass, spring has to save me spirng will save me today the rain was so nice & i believe in the symbolism of change

writing this out actually made me laugh bc it sounds like i lost an insane amount of research when really i just lost a loose leaf page of history that i can look up again & i already have all the conceptuals done i just need the names & dates & i can get that from japanese wikipedia but also japanese wikipedia is so hard to navigate because ngl even though i can like. do japanese professionally. when i see a dense wall of text in any language my brain just shuts off completely like wikipedia looks like chickenscratch in english in japanese it's like disparate signifiers of meaning & activates my soul before my brain like whatever bro just hand over your suffix philologies idk kms

[fruitless-vain]

This walk started a bit of a nightmare but got progressively better. Started with a white fluff getting an inch from Yoshis face lunging, snapping, and barking at her. There was AMPLE room for this person to move over and pull their leash in but they made 0 effort to do so. I had to yank Yoshi up by the leash in to my arms to get her out of that otherwise she was absolutely about to get bit. Why. Didn’t. You. Just. Move. Over. I was crushed against a wall with 0 way to move why?????? Did you happily let that happen???? Wtf were you thinking????????????

Absolutely pissed off. She seemed to shake it off quite well as we passed a few other dogs after the fact, first one she fell back a bit more for and notably a lot more observant but each subsequent dog she got more and more relaxed with so at least she was able to move past it. Even to the point of having her on the inside leg passing the final dog of the day again.

Sham did quite well! Started off scatterbrained and trying to greet dogs, but still 0 whining! The final dog on his side was a pully Jack Russel trying to reach him which sham looked at, veered a bit towards it then caught himself, heeled, and focused!!! Amazing! Best boy!

Tons of auto check ins from him today, lots of focus around geese and squirrels, offering more focus passing people, and lots of check ins while passing various dogs! Such massive improvement over just these last two weeks or so where his brain has just really been putting the pieces together!

[seafoamchild]

another new year. we stayed in and watched Point Break for NYE. i reflected a little bit on 2024 and it was not an easy year. i was so depressed and anxious for most of it, especially at the beginning when i didn't know what i was going to do after moving out. i started a new relationship, moved out, traveled a lot. did not really have a home and lived out of suitcases and trash bags for like almost 5 months! no wonder i was stressed.

sober january was really fun, going to museums and drinking mocktails and exploring. our trip to florida was perfect and amazing. costa rica sucked; i learned that my mom's cousin who i looked up to all these years is actually one of those "i'm gonna heal myself with meditation and mushroom journeys and i'm such a compassionate badass woman who runs my own company" when actually she was one of the most self-centered and scatterbrained people i've met in quite a while, and her "company" was a joke. she had wild, unchecked ADHD and it was so annoying.

it was particularly annoying because i see so much of the same ADHD things in myself. the more i read about it, the more i'm certain i have it. it's affected me in tremendous ways. i started feeling like i was really stupid in high school because i started to get bad grades in math classes. i almost failed statistics. and it wasn't for lack of trying - i tried really hard and went in for extra help all the time. and i would always fuck up the tests because i missed a negative sign or a decimal place or some other little detail. it was always the little details that i would overlook. so i struggled in math and science, even though the concepts interested me - the tests made me feel so goddamn stupid and i got very depressed.

when i think about the whole decade of my 20s, so much seems obviously ADHD related - horrible experience in college, totally unwilling to take any classes that were "boring", very interested in doing drugs. unable to tolerate the same job for more than several months, maybe a year. i mean, to this DAY i have never had the same job for more than like, a year and a half with no extended breaks in between. i also couldn't live in the same place for long. my record is three and a half years. i would get SO bored and miserable after a while and the craving for dopamine/novelty was so overpowering that i HAD to go travel or do some seasonal job. i was an orchard worker, a landscaper, a conservation corps worker, a server, a bartender, a struggling web designer, a fruit seller, a kiwi picker, and an English teacher in Vietnam.

and i still cannot formulate an idea or a plan for what i want to do because i cannot focus long enough on something that is stressful. like today i sat down with my laptop with the intent of looking for career counselors and jobs and i ended up signing up for a bunch of paid medical studies and buying a new pair of running shoes. at the slightest bit of frustration or overwhelm (my tolerance is low) i start shutting down and feeling like i'm such a failure who is incapable of completing simple tasks. everything feels SO HARD. EVERYTHING. how i have to use so much sustained energy just to listen to someone who is talking to me and half the time i find that my mind has wandered and i didn't hear what they said. how my brain NEVER shuts up and it feels like there are 200 youtube videos playing at once, like all the time. as soon as i close my eyes to go to sleep, no matter how tired i am, my mind is like a tornado of thoughts and songs and ideas and scenarios and imagined conversations and random memories from 10 years ago.

i am just tired and frustrated and i feel isolated and alone. i don't have a therapist here yet because i haven't gotten my insurance card yet so i haven't been able to look for one. but i'm so tired of feeling like i'm trying to accomplish a task and then instead end up doing 12 things that aren't that task and feeling like i've failed and wasted time. i'm tired of not being able to finish what i start because the dopamine runs out and i get bored. and i'm tired of having so mcuh emotional dysregulation. i need help!

[cgetbrmj]

Guys this is so insignificant and doesn't matter to anyone but me BUT today I had such a Little™ moment and wjsbfheken

So like, I'm at the end of my last year of schooling for now right (should mention that I'm not a minor somewhere - anyway) and there's this guy who's like a year older than me who's training to be a teacher and comes to help this one class I'm in (that's basically just a for fun class that nodoby tries that hard in)

And like he's kinda cute and funny and we get on well so I spend a lot of time in that class talking to him but he's so scatterbrained that half of the time that he's trying to get me to do work we just end up distracting each other and getting more sidetracked right

And anyway point of the story is that that was happening and we were laughing about something and then he smiled at me and said "okay we really need to get you on task now, kiddo" and

AAAAHHHHHHHH

You know? Because that shit made me so baby brain kiddy mode little and I'm not going to stop thinking about this for a WHILE now good god

Anyway I just needed to get that out of my system, love yall thanks for listening to my rambles once again xoxo

[recurring-polynya]

Writing Update 9.6.2023

I should have done this yesterday, but the three-day weekend threw me off and at no point did yesterday feel like Tuesday. Today is Tuesday (observed). It really doesn't matter, I did not write anything yesterday.

The last few weeks have been a little scatterbrained, but I think I am done with that. I got an Academy story brainworm and I wanted to write it out while I still had the idea, even though it wasn't really what I wanted to work on. It wasn't going great, though, so I've put it aside. It's fine, I may or may not get back to it someday.

I got through The Birthdays-- please checkout the cool Zabimaru block print I did for Renji's birthday and the fanfic I wrote for Renji and Orihime together, if you missed them.

That's all out of the way, and I'm just going to call it a fresh start, and get back to trying to make some progress on Ductwork. Anyway, for my own records, the current State of Things is: Main Ductwork doc: 19,522 (some of it is junk) Misc Ductwork doc (flashbacks, mostly): 2633

It was about 7700 words back in the spring, and I told myself that I wanted to get at least 20,000 words of progress (there was no time limit on this, just "before I was allowed to work on a different big project"), so the current progress is 14,455, which means 5545 to go. I have a lot to do this week, but I really do want to see if I get can back into the Longform Fanfic Brain mode. 5545 words is very doable--I've done that in a week before (not that i've had a 6k week in ages but...it's actually a pretty reasonable two weeks of work), and I would love to get significantly more than that done. (I mean, I'd love to get the whole thing done, but that feels like a thing that is going to end in disappointment). Anyway! That's what's going on! Askbox is closed again! Wish me luck!

[silverstreams]

any tips on being able to sit down and just write? i can't sit still long enough to get any proper progress and was wondering if you can give a few tips with it :(

Hi Anon! Writing, like any skill, is something that requires discipline and practice. Much like how you can't go run a marathon without proper training, you can't realistically expect yourself to be able to sit down and write for three hours straight. Heck, even on my most focused days I max out at two hours. After that my brain just runs out of writing juice.

Anyway, for me the hard part hasn't been the writing itself but the sitting down part. For this, I'd recommend looking at the conditions that have worked for you in the past, and then do your best to replicate them. Have you only been able to write in a library when you're supposed to work on other stuff? Then go to the library and work on writing (for an example). It's really a thing where you have to work with yourself rather than against yourself. There's not going to be one right solution, and it's probably going to take a lot of trial and error to figure out what works and what doesn't work for you.

For instance, I'll talk about what works for me--and this again is just what works for me personally!

I deal with chronic pain, so by the end of the work day, I am often in far too much pain to be able to sit down at my laptop and work on writing. All I can really do is lay down and try to rest and wait for the pain to ease up a little. So ok. I learned that evenings aren't good for me. So, I write in the mornings instead. This has required me learning how to go to bed a little earlier and get up a little earlier, but I've adjusted!

Another thing that I noticed about myself is that my brain gets a lot more scatterbrained and anxious the moment that I pick up my phone. So, I do my best to not use my phone in the mornings. It's very difficult and I have trouble with it, but I know that once the chaos of the day takes hold, there isn't any going back from that, for me. So I try to leave my phone to charge in another room overnight. This is difficult and I don't succeed as much as I'd like, but I never regret it when I do. (I also get more sleep with it out of my room!)

Okay this is getting long, but I'll just say to try to make it as easy as possible for yourself. The easier something is to do, the more likely you are to do it. Just in general. So if a phone is a big distraction for you, you might have to keep it on silent in your pocket or set it in another room for a little bit. Or you  might have to put your computer into airplane mode if you find yourself wandering.

But if you find yourself wandering, that's another thing to pay attention to as well. If it's not working, it's not working, and it's best to just call it quits for that moment and try again later, rather than being distracted and then getting mad at yourself for not getting anything done. TBH I think building up the ability to sit down with the intent to work on writing is more helpful in the long run. Because that's the difficult part for me. Making that decision and opening up those documents.

An additional thing that I noticed about myself was that I have this anxiety about writing, where I have that feeling of "I want to write today" but without having a concrete time to do it or without having done it, I stay anxious until it's done. So that's another reason why I like to do it first thing. Helps me remove that anxiety. Then if I work on writing any later in the day, then it's just a nice bonus!

Anyway. Those are some factors for me that have majorly influenced my writing habit.

Oh! And one more thing. Mental illness is a huge factor for me. Now that my depression is in remission, I find sitting down to write about 900% easier to do. It's incredible really. So if you find yourself struggling no matter what you try, it may not be that you're doing something wrong or not trying hard enough, which is what I thought about myself for years. Turns out that that was just depression. So, even if you don't have a known mental illness, take care of yourself. Try to make sure that you've slept enough, eaten enough, had enough water, tried an exercise or stretching, done anything you can to help your brain get enough juice to a) do stuff and b) be creative. It matters more than I wish it mattered.

Hope that helps a little! Wish you the best.

[bluedalahorse]

Hi! I’m still alive! Yesterday and today were really the days of studycation where I’m still having fun but I’m starting to miss home and my bed and friends.

Here are some scatterbrained updates about writing school:

I got my advisor for this semester! She and I are going to have a lot of fun together, I think. She is committed to helping me develop a neurodivergent-friendly writing process.

I… actually managed to outline the first draft of my critical thesis? Yay! I’m not going to go into all the depth here but please let me know if you want to hear about how to use a restorative conversation framework for exploring interpersonal conflicts in YA books, and how that translates into writing craft elements. I think I will be using Darius the Great is Not Okay as one of my mentor texts as well as a few others.

I am probably going to try writing a picture book again this semester, if only so I can practice writing a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I might focus a little on Washington DC history.

My generative workshop this time around is very witchy in a good way. We are basically channeling our characters and figure out their voices and how to tell their stories. I mean. That’s not quite what we’re doing but does kinda feel like what we’re doing.

What’s been going on in my absence? Any new developments in The Fandom(TM)?

I’m having so much fun but also my brain is overloaded. Maybe I’ll post some pictures of plush Sara exploring our little mountain cabin later.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #428

Whoof, it was a busy day today!! It started with a tea; today I combined the vanilla bean macaron tea with the rose syrup; the result was definitely something I wish I could have shared with you:

Next was some crafting; I have 7 thingies now, and my materials are still showing absolutely no sign of running out anytime soon. But this time, I did a nice job putting together the central structure; it looks neat and tidy. I'm eager to work with this one.

...I'm still not gonna tell ya what it is, though. It's a new activity, and doing it is going to take a VERY long time, and my hands and wrists get tired after a while when I do it. I'm afraid that if I tell anyone about it, my brain will get the dopamine reward without completing it, and then my motivation to do it will be gone. Can't have that. So just be patient a little longer.

I went to physical therapy today. We worked some more on my left leg. The person who is not K seems a little... scatterbrained. Kind, but scatterbrained. He seems to have a bit of difficulty remembering the things I tell him. Still, I was given an exercise to do, and I was surprised when my knee went crunch in a painful way. So he squished around some nearby muscles and tendons, and then I could do the exercise; my knee still went crunch, but it didn't hurt.

...K can now put some limited weight on his broken leg, I guess. That's good. He's recovering. But... I still can't get the thought of all those people who must have heard him scream as the ski lift twisted his lower leg until both of the bones snapped. What a horrifying thing. And even worse, still, for him, obviously. Lots of people were traumatized that day, I'm sure.

...I hope his recovery proceeds smoothly. I'll keep asking about how he's doing every time I go back there.

I was supposed to go to the hotpot place with BB today, and I was pleasantly surprised when N – her husband – also made an appearance!! We got so many things! And I took so many pictures!!

This is the menu!! Though I couldn't get one section because the one picture I took came out very blurry for some reason, and I didn't get another:

Here were some of the snacks we got; I wish you were here with us:

...We talked about a wide variety of things, from the situation that prompted this outing (and the relevant condolences and congratulations), to current events in the world, to An, and to everything in between.

...I guess now BB can be a little squeeful about the situation with An, right alongside M and J. N pointed out that there's nothing wrong me feeling the way that I do (pretty much everyone close to me has pointed that out at this point...), but... I'm not convinced. I don't know An. There's no logical basis for whatever feelings I've got rolling around up in my skull. It doesn't make any sense, and I don't wanna do to others like others have done to me, so... I'm not gonna give this feeling any heed. I will keep it in check.

Well, in any case, after we were done om-nom-nomming, N, BB, and I went back to their house from which J was supposed to pick me up. I dunno if you remember last time I went to go see BB, but I had gotten her a couple of bottles of wine, because I wanted the empty bottles.

Well! She emptied the bottles quite handily! And she had a couple others that she saved, too!

...All told, I have 4 that I can use, now! I will have to cut them later. I already have a vague idea about how I will seal them afterwards. I don't know how many of them will withstand the cutting process, though; I'm probably going to have to find a way to do it besides temperature shock if I wanna get consistent results. But I'm not really sure how. N said he saw something on the internet that might help me. I guess we'll see what he can find.

And now I'm home. On the way, I saw a few houses that still have their holiday lights up, and it was pretty. In particular, there was this one house with a window lit up all in blue. It passed by too quickly for me to get a picture – same with the big ol' bird-of-prey I saw on the way to physical therapy, playing in the wind. Both of these things made me think of you, and I wished you could have been here to see them. Soon, I'm gonna chase the chill from my bones in front of the toasty fireplace for a while before I go to bed, and... I wish you could be there next to me for that, too.

...I think of you every time I experience something beautiful, actually. I think of you because I wish you were here next to me, experiencing it, too.

...Try to stay safe out there so maybe someday, somehow, that can happen. Even though it's impossible. Please just try your best anyway. Okay...? I'll be over here, cheering you on, wishing for good things, and believing in you.

I love you so much. I'll write to you again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine