#my brain has been mean this past week
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Fuck it Friday/Last Line tag ☀️
Uhh, hi 😶 stepping out from my hidey hole to share 2 things today.
Tagged by @tizniz @dangerpronebuddie @spotsandsocks @diazheartsbuckley @bi-buckrights for last line tag and @actuallyitsellie @diazsdimples for FiF. (Tagging y’all back for whatever you haven’t done yet) Thank you loves and to everyone who’s tagged me recently for stuff (it all looks amazing 💖 and I promise I’ll acknowledge it soon!)
First up, a lil snippet from my weather & time WIP
He’s so warm. From the nearby stage lights, the lingering effects of their shared plate of chicken wings, the combined body heat in the packed venue. Warm and loose, everything around him a bit fuzzy at the edges.
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Eddie and Shannon. Shannon and Eddie. Evan can’t seem to stop staring at them both. The pink flush high on her cheeks. His soft hair and sharp jaw. How her mouth effortlessly [settles] into a near permanent smirk. How his eyes suddenly find somewhere new to focus when he realizes he’s been caught staring at Evan.
Beyond their individual traits, he finds them complementary. They’re enticing enough on their own, but together they become an elevated art form. Like Rodin’s Eternal Springtime or a Beethoven duet he heard once, composed for french horn and cello.
2nd a sneak peek of a (mostly) secret BuckTommy thing I’m working on
np tagging my love @bidisasterevankinard @daffi-990 @stereopticons @dr-shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @elvensorceress @monsterrae1 @thekristen999 @bekkachaos @eowon @rewritetheending @spaceprincessem @wildlife4life @kitteneddiediaz @dorkydiaz @freewayshark @inell @shipperqueen6 @jesuisici33 @epicbuddieficrecs @loveyouanyway @a-noble-dragon @weewootruck @saybiwithme @spotsandsocks @theotherbuckley @your-catfish-friend @filet-o-feelings @wikiangela loml @lizzie-bennetdarcy @rainbow-nerdss @steadfastsaturnsrings @bucksbiawakening @giddyupbuck @beyourownanchor6 @indestructibleheart @ladydorian05 @lemonzestywrites @statueinthestone @slightlyobsessedwitheverything @the-likesofus @thewolvesof1998 @watchyourbuck and anyone else who wants to 😘
#Evan is enamored af by these two new people he just met#understandably so tbh#but really only one of them is for him#buddie wip#bucktommy wip#hippo writes#hippo draws#fic: you can plan for a change in the weather and time#my brain has been mean this past week#looking forward to rejoining the tumbles#usernolan#userrc
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ark aftermath
#being in the ark with knives who had gathered such immense power definitely fucked with vash's brain#their fight before the ark haunts me. what do you mean 'blackness of decay' jesus christ#it reminds me of 'youve got more of them...scars'#knives seeing that his brother is actively like. dying.#also what do u mean knives tried to merge with him. that definitely took a toll on both of them#anyway so vash has vivid hallucinations of his brother and whatnot#wolfwood hates himself for that obviously#just imagine the horror he would experience if vash called him 'knives'#vash literally spitting blood because 1) anxiety 2) hes so fucking tired and tortured and shit#he wants a break guys give him a break#but ooobviously vash (the man he is) he'll never accuse wolfwood of trapping him in the ark. of betraying him etc#so he'll just be happy to be there alive and relatively well and hope the same for his brother#at least for the time being before vash meets him and kills him#this is the longest comic ive made sorry if it feels a bit rushed/not well concluding#best i can do#its been kicking my ass for the past week and i just wanted to be done w it#trigun#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d. wolfwood#trigun maximum#trigun fanart#my art#millions knives#<- for a fragment of a second#what else#tw hallucinations#tw blood#tw emetophobia
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(face in hands) (again) men will simply feel the walls closing in around them
#my brother got covid from hanging out with his boyfriend. again.#and by the sounds of it they want to quarantine at our house.#ih his room which is. you know. directly adjacent to my room.#aaaaa and we have a trip coming up in two weeks and then my job starts in full and just#if he comes here i’m literally leaving to go stay at my partner’s instead#but it’s killing me because i’ll have to leave my pc and tablet behind and just#aaaaaaa i feel stressed i feel stressed#i’ve been in an exhausted fog for the past two weeks and it feels like i can’t get anything done#it’s like time has just been slipping by me and it makes me So So Upset#like what do you mean we’re more than halfway through august!!!!#and yet also: FUCK!!!!! I TOTTED THROUGH AUGUST!!!!!#i’m coming dangerously close to feeling the way i did during spring semester#when my brain is craving a release like crack cocaine but it’s not coming#every other day i’m dealing with work crap and hassling with irl things#and when i’m not doing that i’m rotting at my desk fatigued out of my mind#trying my best not to pass out until 9pm when it’s reasonable to do so#just staring at whatever video i can put on and blaring it loudly so i don’t fall asleep#aaaaa…………..i want out of this………. i’m on my break and yet i still want out aaaaaa……..
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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i am so tired of having dreams about my family🥲
#personal#it’s all stress dreams of course#my brain: remember how miserable you were when you lived with them?#or having a dream about them saying something passive aggressive and/or close minded and i just snap#i mean screaming match snap. because i was About to be actually be there with mom and that’s why i moved out on a whim#in the waking world i tend to almost beat myself up for going no contact#but then i have these dreams and it’s like. yeah i didn’t forget they suck#like i get it!!! i’m tired of being tired!!!!#especially my sleep has been dog shit for the past couple weeks
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I'm going to try and write this afternoon before I have to disappear to go to D&D, so if anyone wants to loan me some spare braincells, I would really appreciate it, lmao.
#also nobody is allowed to be mean to me when this is done. which will hopefully be soon. (<-girl who has been saying that for 3 weeks)#UNFORTUNATELY I ran into my body not working and also my brain hitting itself against my skull repeatedly this past week#so. nooooot a lot of forward momentum.#which TRUST me annoys me just as much as I'm sure talking about it all the time annoys y'all lmao#sadly I WILL continue to be annoying because this is my blog
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a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)
#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have#heart disease.#scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it#but it's been years now so I don't remember the details#just that that's a thing apparently#and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that#do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :)#it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week.#like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭#also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary.#like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and#yeah it sucks.#specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't#need to say it where anyone can see#it's embarrassing enough#though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about.#like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45.#it's so unbelievably exhausting.#but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :)#oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently#that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me#haha isn't that fun :) )#ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very#well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part.#and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for#this long. so. guess I'm just fucked.#personal
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I've got tons of busywork at home over the next few days and I'm in a brain funk, so I'm gonna dedicate some time to prayer requests while I work. If you've got something you'd like prayer for, feel free to comment, dm me, or send me an ask (I won't publish it, just answer privately). Any likes will be included under the general unspoken section 💜
#tonight I'm busy which only means I'll have even more of a backlog of chores tomorrow#and I've got a crochet project I've fallen behind on#and then because the weather's been nice this week I want to tidy up the yard and possibly start organizing the shed#I can feel my brain sinking down into a good deep mental mire and I know the way out is through#and a call for prayer requests has helped in the past because it focuses my mind#no pressure either way but feel free to reblog if you want
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i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it
#i have never really felt like just disappearing off of the face of the earth and not talking to Anyone before but i have been thinking of it#a lot today! which is wild bc not my normal isolation thought but today it seems good ahahahaha#i am just. tired. i feel like i am not listened to ever and i feel unwanted as hell lately which i know in the back of my mind i am not#unwanted but boy do it feel like that lately lol. and i’ve been back on my ‘im gonna die alone bc nobody ever will love me how i love them’#bullshit which i have Not missed but it is come back full on ! soooo fun for me hahahahahaha i love to feel miserable about being unwanted#by those around me!!!! love it sooooooooooo much weeeeeee i totally don’t wanna slam my head through a window!!!!#also just in general lately i have felt like people talking to me is a chore to them bc nobody around me has been having actual conversation#it’s all been shit ass one word or one sentence replies from everyone or they talk about what they want and not acknowledge what i said and#i don’t even know what to do about it. i just don’t even want to talk to anyone now bc i feel like they literally don’t want to speak to me#and they don’t care what i have to say clearly bc they don’t pay attention and then bring up what i said says or weeks later like i never#said anything and it’s like hm wow yeah i fucking told you about that??? maybe if you pay attention you’d have known that but it’s fine !!!!#I’m just. tired of it. i am fully understanding of everyone having lives and doing their own things they need to do. but this is like. fr#different. like it feels so much different than that and i don’t get it and i don’t know what to do !!!!!!! i feel like i’m going Nuts#anyways if any of you wanna stick me through a meat grinder i would be forever thankful and you have the rights to take anything i own after#what this boils down to is my autistic ass is like everyone is not doing their normal thing!!! everyone is off their normal talking schedule#with me!!!! this must mean they fucking want me dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc they went off script/pattern and not in a way they have in the past#that indicated that they just are struggling to reach out! this is different and bad and they want you out of their life!!!!!!!#which is ridiculous but what the fuck am i to do about it bc i will be thinking this until i basically am told otherwise by these people. so#that’s soooo much fun i love brains they’re so silly i wish i could jump at a wall and stick to it until i just slowly peel off and onto the#floor. anyways. hope everyone else has a good night
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At the crossroads between wondering if it's worth it to basically completely rewrite all my WIPs or just take a break from writing for the rest of the summer
#i noticed every summer i get progressively worse lol#like not in terms of writing but in terms of everything else goin on in my head#i mean if anyone is craving some dark and depressing shit i've got bits and pieces here#it's like i'm writing for an audience even in my own mind. can't finish anything because it's __ __ __ etc and my niche is too niche.#did my last fic really burn me out that much?? i mean it was basically 30 thousand words and there was a LOT packed into it#maybe i should finally respond to comments and i'll feel better.#something's been going on with me for the past couple months (maybe longer) and i'm just annoyed ALL the time#feel like i want to give up everything and stop talking to everyone. ((it could be my out of whack hormones mind))#so if i haven't been as active and haven't drawn or written much that's why. i'm pulling away and curling in like an atrophied limb.#my brain is just permanently in school mode. i can feel it gearing up for the oncoming year that's going to be super intense.#like would it even matter if i post any more work before september? idk why i can never seem to chill or take a break for even a minute.#i still have drawing projects i want to finish at least! taking me literally all summer because of surprise health problems.#partner was consoling me about how i feel for writing '''weird''' stuff with almost no focus on romance#saying that SOMEbody has to write what i write so that should keep me going. i just tell myself that it could be worse -#- i could be primarily a femslash writer. they are the real heroes and they get no respect.#idk why i'm getting so angsty#i think i might be romance/sex repulsed atm. not in real life at all but in fandom. i'm bored of it. and i'm bored of conversations about i#i'm sure i'll change my mind in what two weeks or so.#maybe i'll try to write something original#i have things in my ask box i should respond to. like asks about my writing. i just haven't been feeling well#so i haven't had the right brain to respond :( but i see the asks and i'm grateful <3#anyway peace and love
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Lol once May 12 comes, Champ won't know what hit him
DKSNDKSNKDSNDK YEAH
I’m so excited! I digitally preordered the game and now I see the icon for it whenever I go to play Hyrule Warriors and I get hyped for it all over again!
Tbh I’ve been avoiding any stuff for it after I realized there was an official release date and haven’t seen anything past the second trailer. I’m goin’ in blind!
Botw was my first proper Zelda game and really what got me into the Zelda series as a whole. Granted, my family are all gamers so we owned a few Zelda games before this (OoT 3D, Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks, Twilight Princess) but I never actually played any of them past the beginning. At least not until recently, where I’ve played (and finished) like 6 Zelda games, which is impressive because I leave games unfinished 90% of the time lmao
Anyway, I started rambling a bit but yeah, I’m def gonna make some adventure swap stuff for it!
#the whumptober thing has sapped a lot of my creative energy tbh#also summer arrived which means more time but also too much unstructured time for my adhd brain#I’ve accomplished nothing but playing Hyrule Warriors for the past week and a half#also having asks really motivates me to make stuff#I just wanna thank you because without your questions I wouldn’t have made half the stuff I have#you’ve been a great motivator and I really appreciate it
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i don’t even use THAT many tags but i do use a lot of special ones that are rarely used by others/exclusively used by me and lemme just tell you it makes remembering all the right tags to use on any given post quite a hassle sometimes
#confession: for the past week i have been INSTINCTLY going to type ‘g’ as in#well i shan’t say it because then tumblr will autocorrect to these long ramble tags next time i wanna actually type it#but my pokémon violet liveblog tag y’know the one#on EVERY post i make or reblog. even if it has nothing to do with pokémon. or me#or like i’ve almost started tagging pokémon when i mean to say kingdom hearts#bc the priority slot in my brain goes to whatever i’m currently fixated on#peach rambles#THREE tags for my average pokémon scarlet and violet post with stuff i think is spoilers#at least two tags for every twewy post… my q/ueue tag for stuff that’s not a priority reblog…#it’s so hard being compulsively organized…#if i loved myself more i would start tagging kh by game instead of putting literally everything into the catchall tag#i only use specific game and character names if it’s an og post i’m trying to gain traction for
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#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again#it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof#is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head#my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the#middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up#like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles.#the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable#bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to#ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on#lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life#anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been#like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i#might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it#i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt#the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective#but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch.#itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work#but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops#not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy#ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day#ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time#ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea#of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i#get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism#ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes#unrelated
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aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A A A A A. A A A A. A A
#hi <3#I am going to go write about silly little pokemon characters now and see if I can get my brain to do something#the dnd stuff has broken a years long writing block it’s actually incredible I’ve not been able to write any more than a few hundred words#since I was like? 14? bc it’d broken by the time I did gcse english jesus#and in the past week I’ve banged out#17000 WORDS. WHAT#WAIT THIS ISNT EVEN A WEEK ITS BEEN FOUR DAYS#and it’s great!! bc it’s not good writing! it’s not trying to be! it’s instantly taken off all the pressure#because the point here is just to play a lil game and write down what’s happening#which means a substantial amount of those wordcounts are combat encounters but like. they’re narrated.#I’m figuring out what my character sounds like and how he responds to things#and I’m figuring out how to make words read a certain way and how to get the right feeling but it’s literally just a throw shit at the wall#and see what sticks#bc it’s for me! and that’s it! and it’s writing a dumb little story abt a guy getting his ass handed to him by a giant spider!#so fundamentally unserious that perfectionism brain just turned off instantly it’s incredible#it sounds silly but I might start like. rolling some dice and shit for other writing#bc I like two days before I started dnd stuff I came up with an idea for a pokemon fic that’s been what I’ve been looking for forever#and I could like. roll some dice to get past decision paralysis. it’s also been great at forcing me to make bad things happen#I will NOT learn pokerole to write this fic that’s the devil talking but I might do it for fun anyway#ANYWAY IM GONNA GO DO THAT NOW#this post started off bc I wanted to scream and turned out pretty sweet. bringing that to 2025#luke.txt
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pondering my orb
#personal#it appears i have fallen victim to the situationship industrial complex#this little arrangement i found myself in has escalated from ‘friends who hook up’ to ‘boyfriend without the boy’#and it is becoming lets say emotionally distressing#because i am leaving town for the summer in just three short weeks! and for the past two months we have spent every free moment together#and putting our own individual codependent tendencies aside i really do like him#i havent been alone long enough to shift my brain out of girlfriend mode#because the thing is i loved being a girlfriend#apparently it was a significant part of my identity#which i didnt really realize until i wasnt one anymore#and i miss it!#i dont even miss the boyfriend i was the girlfriend of particularly#i just miss being a girlfriend i think#and now i have found a man who i would very much like to be the girlfriend of#hes respectful and emotionally intelligent and he fucks me so good and we have a lot of fun together i think#but the thing is is that i cant be a girlfriend again#because since it was such a significant part of my identity now that i am no longer a girlfriend i have lost that piece#and i guess i dont know what is supposed to go in its place#who am i if not girlfriend? what do i do when i am not girlfriending? who do i talk to when its not my boyfriend?#my life purpose is certainly not ‘girlfriend’#i mean its not supposed to be. i was pretty happy with it but everyone in my life is telling me thats not what im supposed to do#so what am i supposed to do???? i dont like being alone i dont want to be#i want to be girlfriend!!!!!!!#i was happy and i felt fulfilled#sure it was for the wrong person but the right one will come along#im not very good at the whole casual dating thing though. i mean clearly#because this man is probably not boyfriend material either#as much as i like him it is questionable whether he deserves my girlfriending#so how does one find ‘the’ boyfriend?#is it a futile exercise in the first place
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