#my bpd ass

[tjsplace]

APR 27

i think i'd be a good manager. i love making artist plans. the strategy, the supervising, the creative ideas, and executing them for a project that i'm passionate about. something that excites me. the idea of managing an artist or a band sounds super cool right now. now i just gotta find a musical project like that. i still haven't found a group or person with that musical connection to the songs. sure,

my mom just called to tell me my godmother's mom died last night. it's a pretty tragic story. i didn't know the woman, and i haven't talked to my godmother in years. my mom said i should text her. but i'm too high to think of anything right now. but the thing i just wrote like 4 minutes ago feels so... stupid right now, my career aspirations are never as important as death. i guess. i don't know. writing is therapeutic. i hadn't written in a while, and i wonder why. maybe i'm just lazy and don't wanna handwrite in my journal. maybe. maybe it's always hard to take a look at myself because i always second-doubt what i write. feels like my writing goes fast but my brain goes even faster. especially with grammarly lmfaoo. because it always has corrections for me. which is great for professional purposes i guess. but when i'm free writing, it's kind of annoying. useful for another context, and also annoying. why do i keep checking them tho? been listening to benny nonstop since the ep dropped yesterday. it's such a good song. has a hopeful production but the lyrics are devastating and maybe that's what melancholy and nostalgia are, which is exactly what luke hemmings wants to evoke, according to the interviews. that campaign was insane. it was good but insane. too much content bombarding. such good ideas. that's where i got most of mine for the ep. i hope i can pull this off. start working as an independent artist or a manager or something in marketing, at the end of this year. something that will give me money. i feel so guilty about being privileged enough to get money for my parents to live, while i finish uni. i don't have a job. i should get a job but i'm focusing a hundred percent on my ep. is that wrong? should i not do that? it doesn't help that i chain-smoke every day. i can't quit. i'm terrified. i can't do it. i'm diminishing my cigarette intake but it's not fast enough. but i feel like i can't rush it or it'll be worse. but i'm also terrified about what to do with my anxiety if i stop smoking at all. nicotine gum is not the same and it's gross. besides, every time i stop smoking for a certain amount of time -be it a month and a half or two days- then i come back even more addicted. i smoke so much more and i can't have a nicotine relapse. it's so lame. is it lame? or is it just like "fuckkk, i can't do it, i need to smoke almost two packs a day." like, what the fuck is that? that's one thing. the addiction. the other thing is the privilege to have this one right now. because if i didn't get money from my parents, i wouldn't be able to smoke at all. but what would happen to me? would i go back to a really dark place because i don't have something to ease my feelings? would i start smoking more pot? oof, hard questions, man.

my mind spirals uncomfortably to the point that i can't do basic actions, like pick up my phone or type on my laptop. it gets so overwhelming in here, in my body. i just wanna smoke. i'm cold because i gotta keep the window open because i'm a dumbass that smokes in her own room. at least i'm not bothering my roommates by smoking in the living room. it would be cold and smelling of cigarettes all the time. i'd rather have just that to be my room. this song is so fucking addictive. i'd set myself on fire to keep you warm. the production! i'm obsessed.

2:50 pm

i really really want to write a song right now. pen and pad out. guitar on hand. chords to try out. i just gotta figure out what i want to say. what the song is about. i clearly have a lot to say, a lot on my mind. just gotta pick one. so hard but so therapeutic. it's gotta about my bpd, right? not only because it could be for my uni project, but also it's what i live in, right? i have bpd, it's getting better. i watched this video of bpd 101 and i could relate to so much. and it said you can be in remission for it as you get older. and i feel like i'm getting there. is it about to be a hopeful song? do i want it to be hopeful? what is the feeling i'm trying to convey? i'm really feeling this melancholia. The day is light but gloomy. my room is cold and i gotta clean it. what else am i seeing? okay. i gotta write now before i don't want to anymore.

9 pm

wrote chord progression sections for 45 minutes. then i ate something and i took a nap until seven. now i'm gonna mix. crazy.

9.30 pm

listening to benny while exporting stems on ableton feels surreal. maybe i'm high but i don't think that's the only thing. it's the vibe. night. dark outside. cigarette smoke in a cold bedroom. messy clothes on the floor. just when you think the song is gonna be predictable in the chords, they change for a third time in benny. i'm just amazed by the construction of this song. the contrasting sections. like fuck. amazing. okay, gotta keep mixing. stems ready to be mix in another session.

10 pm

maybe i don't know ableton as well as i thought. i've been trying to export these stems for half and hour now and it should've taken me only five minutes. i don't know which tracks to solo to export grouped stems. they're just five or six, i think.

my addiction's too strong, now i don't have any money.

the bassline in benny is very much like the meet you there (5sos) bassline. very melodic but not as distorted and with more reverb. it's also more opaque. the lyric in benny "am i being too cold, is this all i can be?" hits so hard when you watch a luke hemmings interview. and after you've grown up with him in your twenties like i have. i met 5sos by accident in 2018. my sister was blasting Youngblood (single) all day and i really liked the song. and once i found the album, i fell hard into this beautiful whirlwind of songs and lyrics. i admire them so much as songwriters, producers and musicians. and even as people, but i don't really know them so i can't be sure.

10.45 pm

okay if this thing doesn't work imma have to keep using the same session and pray to god it doesn't crash. can't believe i've been trying to figure this out for over an hour. i'm high and a little drunk and also hungry. as usual. hold on, i think it worked. i have the isolated bass stem. finally. sometimes i feel like such a nerd and that makes me feel good about myself for a reason. i like being the cool, nerdy about music and audio girl. it makes me proud of myself. the life i've created for myself. am i privileged to have this life? for sure. do i deserve it? maybe that's not a question i need to ponder on right now. or maybe ever.

[waambles]

Reactive Dog ⚠️🐾 (He/It)

[sad-leon]

what if i gave rise leo BPD...

his anger manifests in the form of self-sabotage and self harm. he asks donnie to sound proof his room when they get to the new lair so he can wreck it without concerning everyone else. before that he'd sneak to the surface and wreck an already messy alleyway

his self harm is recklessness. he gets hurt in fights as much as he can and still get away with just a "please be more careful" lecture from raph

speaking of raph, his oldest brother is his favorite person. so when raph starts to brush him to the side and distrust him, he doesnt take it well. when he does something to impress raph and all he gets is "finally..." thats when he disappears for hours and comes back home with sore arms and usually some scrapes and many bruises

he becomes a medic because they can't ignore him if he helps them. plus he can get better at hiding his breakdowns if he can take care of his own injuries

he wants to be in the spotlight so bad until the spotlight shines on him and suddenly his skin fits wrong

splinter and raph brush it off as teenage hormones. donnie shuts it out. mikey is the first person to realize leo's moods aren't normal, but he doesnt want to confront the fact the bpd comes from trauma, so he tries to support leo as best he can

april doesnt realize how much leo's mood shifts until she spends a night in the lair and realizes that leo isn't as hyper as he presents himself. he tries to mask, but he's too tired and the sudden silence from leo throws april off. it creates a rift between them. even when leo is happier around april, she knows somethings wrong- knows its not quite as genuine as she thought.

she spends more time around donnie than leo and leo thinks its for the best. eventually all his brothers- all his family prefer spending time with someone thats not him. he tells himself its for the better- the less time they spend around him, the less likely he'll be upset around them and end up making them upset

leo convinces himself he's meant to be alone and puts his all into being the team medic and spends the rest of his time alone and dissociating. he hates being the leader- having everyones eyes on him all the time. watching him. waiting for him to mess up- to act out- to prove they were right not to trust him

.... idk.. just a thought

[mafuaato]

felt sad today so here's ingo with a hot chocolate because he makes me happy :)

[woozysioux]

@step-on-me-handong @foxlungz @satanlikedmymoxie thank u guys sm for the tagggg, this was fun as hell 🖤

this quiz honestly read me 😅

tagging: @dreamoftheotherlife @icepoptroll @cyanidearctic @ice-truck-killer @zeman37 @alanxietatem @littlemiss-stardust @cleverbabyghoul @beeczarbagel @xsweetsunflowerx @dreaded-behemoth @grimmoire @flderwin @peachesandghosts @hauntingfaerie @entrop33 and literally anyone else who sees it and wants to!!

[bobosbillionsknives]

this kids got issues

[hellonearthtoday]

Made up version of Curly Shepard I've created in my head

(its just a bunch of headcanons)

- He has traces of New York in his accent. I can NOT explain and I won't because I don't know man, they're from New York to me and idk why they came to mf Oklahoma but they did

- Curly isn't very brave. Most of the things he does that come off as "brave" are just acts of stupidity that he plays off as him being really brave and cool (He didn't think about the consequences of his actions beforehand and now he's malding about them)

- Wouldn't recognize his own emotions if he was forced to write a 10 page paper on them and also because he'd bribe Ponyboy to write the essay for him. And then he'd skim the essay and go "this is wrong 🤨"

- Growing undiagnosed BPD just trust me bro and maybbeee autism too

- Worst case of resting bitch face in the entire world. While Ponyboy just kinda looks 😐 all the time, Curly just has this untreatable tension line in his eyebrows and he looks angry all the time. But his eyes are 90% always wide open he just cannooot fix his damn eyebrows. It plagues him in his sleep too and he has to manually relax his face and he's always like Damn almost forgot 😌

- He really loves the feeling of getting money. He loves money so much. Someone tell this guy what a job is

- He's not really too interested in learning, or at least he THINKS he's not, but that's because nothing they ever teach at school is interesting to him so he's come to the conclusion that learning is stupid and he'll stick to doing sick wheelies in his car

- On this note. If Curly was introduced to forensic science he would absolutely eat that shit up. He would love everything to do with more morbid topics, because it's just intrinsically not boring. Like stages of decomposition? Fire. he has dreams of stumbling across a dead body and being able to identify the stage of decomposition it's in.

- He would definitely like the grosser side of forensic science, like the biological aspects. Morbid teenage boy with hidden potential locked away because they don't typically teach forensic science in the basic curriculim 😓

- His voice is pretty smooth but to counteract it he talks really harshly, and also just isn't a wordsmith. He's really straightforward and he's not really good at clever jokes or teasing and he kind of talks like he's a background villain grunt in a pokemon game

[knxfesck]

bpd mutuals how does it feel to be so cool

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i genuinely do not have it in me to claw my way out from rock bottom right now. this can’t happen anymore, it can’t get worse than this. i can’t take it, i’m just not strong enough

[piepiepiemag]

silly thing i thought of while fanfic writing

[adustoflove]

I'm literally so insane that the moment someone I talk to starts using a phrase or emoji they don't normally use or didn't pick up from me, I immediately get mad because I assume they're replacing me with somebody else and picked that phrase up from another person

[dawnofiight]

The way I've met a David, Aaron, and Blake that just so happened to truly act like these mfers and I haven't pulled one is devastating news.

[hancocksleftnut]

Some Charon Head Cannons I Finally have the Balls to Share:

He was a US Green Beret captured in Anchorage by Chinese and Russian Special Forces in 2076, 11 months before the Great War and had many experiments done on him while a POW.

He was deployed at 28, one of the youngest in his squad. Charon was born in Pennsylvania and came from a military background, later joining the US Army at 19, soon after the USA announced war against the Republic of China.

In the end, he would be the only survivor from his squad, all others having been executed or dying from the Dachau-Level experiments.

As tensions around the world heightened, the US government burned all records of him and his squadron, considering them casualties of war.

As a POW (Prisoner of War) his physical stature, mental fortitude, and expert combat training made him a candidate for a “Reprograming Operation” by the Russian KGB where he was the only successful test subject.

After months of brainwashing he was finally assigned to a KGB Spy who was planted in the US government, where he was designed to assassinate and perform other reconnaissance operations.

However, the Great War broke out mere months after he was “assigned” and his contract made many unfortunate passes before reaching the Lone Wanderers.

Charon’s previous employers all had dark, ulterior motives that mainly used him as a deviant errand boy. When he becomes employed by the LW, he almost feels at peace. Though he will forever live with PTSD, he is able to put his guard down in certain circumstances, giving him small glimpses of joy and happiness again.

Until he becomes to care too much, and becomes over protective. The LW unknowingly reminds him of his pre-war life. When there was still hope and a dream of change. He doesn’t know why, but he clings to their selflessness. He watches people abuse the LW’s kindness, and then get stuck in a cycle of people pleasing because they are the Wastelands Last Hope.

[goingabsolutelyfuckinginsane]

Please take your anger out on me

Please take your anger out on me

Please take your anger out on me

Please take your anger out on me

For the love of god please take your anger out on me

[mamuzzy]

When i reach 1000 posts in my drafts I will drink a beer like a boring normal person and attempting to play videogames without probably telling anyone that it happened because there is nothing to be celebrated about that I can't keep up with my friends OCs and fanfictions so I save them to be when I actually have time and energy to read them with full brain capacity. (yes i triggered myself into sadness. don't worry about it.)

[liesmultixxx]

anyone else feel ugly and invisible all the time?

just me?

okay