#my boy is extremely depressed
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Sunday doodles
#you ever just *puts feet on the wall*#or sit upside down off the side of your bed#i saw a post earlier this week I've been trying to find about fearing god#i read it but didn't have time to share my thoughts and i forgot to save it to my drafts so i lost it#anyway they talked about fearing god in service today#the overlap of related events like this scares me all the time#like... i know this stuff just happens and they had this sermon planned for months and it's coincidental#''but what if god is actually real and this is him trying to talk to me? what if he's trying to move me back on track?''#that's something i can't help but think#i'm starting to think I'll never know what is real and whether there's a god and if i really am setting myself up to burn in hell#i have to make a choice whether to leave my friends and hide who I am and go back to the church#or be myself and enjoy my time alive knowing what could be waiting for me when I go#I know that sounds extremely dramatic but it's something I think about a lot#it's one thing for someone to have never gotten to known God#but some say that the one unforgivable sin - the only thing that can keep you out of heaven forever...#...is knowing god and accepting him in your heart but then turning your back on him#I've done those rituals; been baptized and taken communion and said the famous prayer#if that unforgivable sin is true then I guess i've already made my choice; there really is no going back for me haha#damn right that god is scary lol#not tagging the game because I monolouged too much lmao#doodles#sunday doodles#depressing sunday doodle posts have arrived once again#dw im chilling today just lost in thought#was able to put in pto so i get the day to reflect on the very important things 21 year olds think about#things like ''what could've been'' and ''how do i want to draw my next fluffy boy''
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Today.............. has genuinely. Been. A Day.
Have some OC doodles I started yesterday before tragedy struck and are like the bare minimum effort for today to finish. Since the two princes were originally not /in canon/ for another plot but rather made for a mafia AU as cousins to one of the main characters for the base plot. I was like. Huh let's give them a happier life. So here they're just princes and instead of the police department/detectives that most of the main cast is in base plot, those are the royal guards around the twins' castle.
#my characters#the funny thing is that the princes are like......... made for an au of another plot#and here they are in another au of the plot#so like yeehaw everyone i love my ocs and i love putting them in situations#also idk what its worth but hey happy pride atticus is trans im proud of him#it has zero relevance to the plot but its important to me that hes trans#he also is like.... an absolute bundle of friendliness which is a huge contrast to the twins cousin#who is extremely stoic for the most part and finds it hard to feel emotions and thinks#everyone feels the same way all the time like him - WHICH IS DEPRESSED BY THE WAY#but he learns that ah nope thats just him and oh hes better by the power of love#and he doesnt actually get it ?? like in canon or mafia or as a prince hes just like#huh i like this guy and he makes me want to smile which is really odd im gonna stay by him if i can#and doesnt even realize right away hes fallen in love#atticus and caspian however are very aware of their emotions and are v happy to see their cousin feel things#and are constantly there to tease him but support him and help him and theyre all good boys#ill shut up in the tags now bc the tags are taking me as long to type as the art took to doodle
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done with the current dip pen comm queue (just in time for another Nib Accident too lol. I’m learning how to take care of the tools as well) so uh! it’ll take me two days to get a replacement and get some other stuff done. which means slots will be available again this saturday!
#bakuspeech#thank you my first pen nib (in all manners that count really). you've served me extremely well#especially for how I treated you lmao#you know what. gonna pin it to my corkboard later. it deserves a place on there#I think it's specifically because I'm using a pretty thick non-water-based ink I got a Long time ago#for brush inking when I was doing that. and boy oh boy does it dry Thicque#and it dries really fast. so by the time I get to wiping my pen it's already caked there lol#so I might have to try using other inks as well. knowledge! learning!#I'm thinking opening for comm at noon instead of night like last time? so folks with different schedules can see it lmao#but yeah. I'll take my time! I'll mess around with it. its been real#I wanna start drafting the comic proper and stuff... Im so glad I'm still so excited about doing this after over a week lol#really kinda what I needed after the March Madness (adhd induced nonsense depression)#hope folks who've got a comm from me so far enjoyed what I drew!!
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It’s been like 28 days since I have last posted
Please take a aggressively spinning top man as a reward 👍
#mega man top man#top man#he spins so fuking fast it’s insane#look at my boy go#he’s one of my middle school crushes#(mega man Archie comics saved me from extreme depression leave me alone#he’s so orange#(I pray he doesn’t go through the cut man color theory)#I bet he’s a master at roller skating#I would drop kick him for giggles
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he is so important to me
#posts the same image 5 times yeah this is content . I am girlblogging queen matriarch boy#he’s happy!!!!!!!!!#for the first time in weeks after being overwhelmed and traumatized and depressed over his own guilt and actions#he’s happy!!!!!!!!!!!#extremely important#crying so much because . he’s so pretty and beautiful . and it means so much to me to see him smile after everything that happened …#eeuuuuugguhjjgg last holiday you will always be the jack episode of all time to fucking exisy#last holiday is mother#spn#supernatural#jack kline#spn season 15#15x14#spn 15x14#last holiday#dean&jack#very important for dean&jack as well yes#like I know the dungeon dialogue is kinda clunky and disjointed or maybe that’s just me#but they’re . they’re being stupid idiots together again#remembering when I called them fucking idiots duo .. real missing my guys hours …….
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you guys dont fucking GET IT shuichi saihara is TRANSGEENDERRRR
#AND I CAN PROVE IT <- because he is. checkmate liberals#its barely even based on anything but he has the strongest ftm energy ive ever felt about any character in my life#like he just IS trans to me its not a hc. its a fact. i know this#you dont get it hes some weird depressed freakazoid whos a boy but looks quite feminine and (in the original japanese) has an#EXTREMELY high pitched feminine voice for a boy. THAT GUY IS TRANS AND ITS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME OK#AND hes bisexual too. tho that ones just canon LOL#serena.txt
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I am a firm believer in workaholic Keith Kogane
#the second my boy feels any sort of feeling ever he throws himself into work#he cant stand still he has to do it all#but then he gets super burned out and extremely depressed#just like me fr#Keith Kogane#voltron#voltron ledgendary defender
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Everything day
#Had an Extremely long Game Day with smol today and I think it fixed my brain so that's great news#Past week has been rough!!!! Got hit with a semi-minor anxiety episode and a pretty serious depression episode to bookend last week#I'm all good it's just - took a bit out of me lol#Any number of things really too many to list so I'll just sum up as blegh - feeling better now#Started a new printing project!! Looking forward to that hopefully gonna do some test printing tomorrow#It Should work out well but pfbtl I can't count on my formatting skills for nonsense - shapes wtf are those#Been drawing <3 Been writing <3#Thinking quite very seriously about returning to doodle roots something awful#I tend to spend a Long Long time editing my stuff down by three different phases#Makes them very pretty! But I think I've had enough of that for the moment#New! Novelty! Needed and necessary and I'd rather Write about these than fuss more about how Pretty Or Not they are#They're pretty enough! I've made shapes on paper that previously didn't exist and now I can think about them as they are! Magic!#So that's the current plan - do still have One more step of editing to do before that lol but smol had offered me videos to listen to during#Good to have longer videos so I'm not constantly start-and-stopped#Oh and Pepper went into molt Again and just came out and he's genuinely gigantic now#And so dark! Handsome boy was a nice soft brown when we picked him up and so tiny small and now he's nearly black and huge#And so furry now he's definitely at least twice as fuzzy#Got him to eat - he was definitely hungry but he seems to be pacing himself still#Everything everything
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alexithymia by noahfinnce is so fucking real like mom and dad i am literally serving my symptoms to you on a fucking plate please diagnose me just notice me at least
#i had the worst summer of my life and then my mom read my journal which was basically my only outlet for all the thoughts and feelings#i was and wasnt having and how much i hated myself#and then when they got me a therapist they said they didnt notice anything was wrong with me they just thought i was tired#like dude. be so fucking for real. kids who are okay do not sleep for days#i was not lazy#i was very depressed#and they thought i was fine#my mom even was like “why didnt you tell us you were struggling youre supposed to tell us everything”#okay but you wouldnt have listened#when you forced me to come out to you you told me that im not actually a boy#you made me cry when you read my own extremely depressing journal entries to me and told me that i am not autistic#theres a reason i didnt fucking tell you anything#wow sorry about that rant in the tags#tw self hatred#tw depression#personal
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1:30am. plagued by thoughts of michael and everything going on in his tiny 10-13 year old head :(
#like obviously. problems and issues then on and before SKDJFMG#but yeah while a lot of his behaviors as a young teenager are influenced by home life (ranging based on portrayals but i always make sure#it’s got similar roots and feelings) as well as social standing a LOTTTTT OF IT is very extremely tied to mental illness that did not get#acknowledgement or treatment.. that was the age his very intense depression started to come in Swinging along with increased anxiety/panic#and. neurodivergence is still a greyer area because it’s definitely there in the way i write him but how it mixes with ptsd#(plus the question of how much of that is just. Me LMAO) always has me ??? about making the call i’ve talked about this#BUT YOU GET THE POINT THERE’S A LOT!!!#he’s gutwrenchingly depressed and in pain and has been TAUGHT by observance and emotional neglect and [insert other aftonisms here] to Bury#that and is so convinced his emotions are a sign of weakness and That’s Why He’s Not Good Enough so he compensates however he can#and there’s no excuse for what it snowballs into but ohh my god JUST GET THAT BOY ON SSRIS#he didn’t even have the words for so much of it but there were so many aspects of himself that he was utterly convinced made him wrong#his actions become as drastic as they do because it’s EVERYTHING around him reinforcing the root problem#how am i supposed to sleep when im sick about him#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc
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life update i guess?
#i havent been talking as much as i like on disc#ya boy is like 200 behind on rent and in3 hrs ill get charged my late fee#im extremely depressed! lol#i just try my best to keep up convos cuz i dont want to lose momentum#idk what im gonna do really so#😍#negative /
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kinda funny in a way how i had to go through a whole journey of accepting my gayness as natural and healthy and not part of the intrusive thoughts that i thought the whole time was the devil himself speaking to me, whereas the first time i learned about the concept of being transgender (on tumblr at age 16), all i did was say to myself "oh! that's kinda neat!" and i went about my fucking day!
#ask to tag#by ''kinda funny'' i mean really depressing#bc it just goes to show you how powerful and dangerous fear tactics are#especially on extremely anxious kids like i was#the fact that no one taught me about transness in the first place pretty much saved me a lot of time and effort#i got to learn about it without any pre-existing biases clouding my judgement#the day i decided to follow a 16 year old trans boy with they/he pronouns on tumblr was the day my life changed forever
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sometimes i'm scared that i've been this way for so long that i don't know how to be anything else anymore.
#lily talks#thinking about what to do after i finish my degree#you know just normal things to ponder at 1am#i've been in this hell called university for so long i can't even imagine doing anything else anymore#goes hand in hand with being depressed and i can't help but wonder if it's just going to be the exact same thing if i decide to do somethin#else instead of getting my masters#i feel like my relationship with uni is the prime example of toxic#because it's going well some days and on those it's very rewarding#but all the others? oh boy#doesn't help either that i've got no clue what i'd even want to do instead#so i can't help but wonder what would be the lesser evil#bc i doubt that i'd get anything better than 'the lesser evil'#also the thought of just saying fuck all of this and starting over from scratch persists#and while i do believe that you can start over at any age the reality that money is a very limiting factor gets worse every year#unfortunately i lack the mental health needed to both work and further educate myself#i really admire everyone who manages#also it doesn't help that i'll have to decide if i want to stay abroad or move back to germany soon-ish#i like it here and while it sucks to be so far away from all of my friends i feel like the change of scenery really did me good#unfortunately living here is extremely expensive.#in any case#this sucks
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little brothers and their will to #slay, man </3
#while yes yes this post technically does apply to the simp bros i wanna cry about my own bro in the tags so you have been warned~?#so to start off my monthly existential crisis rant i just wanna say that… i’m so so soo envious of my bro. like to a really unhealthy extent#he’s tall enough to reach the top shelves. i can barely touch them if i jump. he has so many friends and even a gf. i have 0 irl friends.#he is able to sit in one spot and focus on his studies. i can’t even sit down for a full half hour to *eat* without getting up to take a nap#he’s learning how to drive. i can’t. he was admitted into university. i wasn’t. he’s able to find what he likes and stick to it. i can’t.#like mannn. he thrived in the course he chose in tertiary education while i lost my passion for it in the middle of my first year.#he’s good at picking up everything he tries (puzzle cubes; bball; you name it he’s good at it) while i’m just. bad at everything i try lol#he’s very good at his studies (aside from languages) and sports. i’m not good at anything at all.#he gets told that he has a great sense of humour. i’m just. boring and annoying. lolllll#he’s super sociable and he has good relations with pretty much every single family member (sans me). i’m not in contsct with most of the fam#heck he was pretty much the favourite from the moment he was born. his baby pics still get brought up from time to time bc of how cute he is#(granted it’s bc he looks like a bby m*ch*l*n man (like the tire company mascot) and he’s super cute in them but still)#and he’s also a guy and content with being a guy which is just… not fair y’knowwww~~~ asian family boy biases and all (cries)#our father pretty much cast me aside once my bro was old enough to hang with him. and even before then the bias was as clear as day. >:(((((#i make the dude mad? i get screamed at and whaccced. bro gets the dude mad? he gets a lesson on how to throw punches instead!!! like wow!!!!#he’s the only one who got to escape any direct physical harm from the guy and yet!!!! he was the 1st one to be singled out for trauma focus#idk if it’s bc of his age back then or whattttt but i can’t believe i had to friggin’ ask my therapist back then for a trauma assessment :(#2015 was a different time… my bro managed to succeed in school while i was rejected from the drama club for being too depressed :((((#but i’m sure my bro has his own share of struggles… and i’m glad that he has a few groups of friends to chill with. really.#but i just can’t help feeling extremely envious of him. i could never tell him any of this though we hardly talk at home lol#and he pretends not to know me when i approach him in public lmfaoooo. i don’t blame him though; i’d do the same if i were to approach me#so yeah. if you read this i’m sorry for being cringefail and bad at everything~~ am i still allowed to pollute your dash~? <3#and also. idk if i’ll be able to continue sischange over this week bc i’ll be handling 2 workstations by meself :( and idk how tired i’ll be#but we’ll see ok~? sorry for having zero time management skills am i still qualified to be a legit adult~?#sunday’s 🧂saltfest🧂
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the mike in a server i rp him in is actually going through a large arc with a couple charact3rs he got accidently attached to (he got hired to be their security guard and became their weird basement roommate) and he mesnt to keep it a very business relationship? but he ended up developing feelings for the guy that hired him. they had a big falling apart and mike went to live with henry till hen "died" and dwight (the one he had a crush on) and michael made ammends and promised not to be weird and toxic and codependent. and then they actually started to have a reallt good relationship.... until dwight wrnt missing
and by the time dwight gets back mikes going to be so mushy and soft. its so cute. this entire time with dwight missing hes been such a fucking dick, extremely on edge, acting like hes CERTAIN dwights dead and being extremely apathetic and purposefully rude. but rhe moment dwight gets back ge literally is going to be so. hes gonna be so soft and tender hearted 😭 hes never had someone in his life go missing and come back OKAY and ALIVE and not trying to kill him and its his only friend and his BEST friend at the moment, its going to like. being back a lot of life to gim that got ripped away when he got scooped im so excited
#my mike has. extreme depression. like really really really bas depression especially after being scooped#but he to his core is a silly boy#and i think that comes through even when hes a dick and when hes extremely depressed just in a more sardonic way#but hes a big softy inside!!! he loves to sing and dance ans play games and hug people. man of course he does hes a perfect combination of#hen and will#ooc#sorry i love him so much
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when I tell you guys that I am *pinches my fingers* this close to stealing the black cat on didney property. he's around the hotel where I am (he's 8years old!!!), I see him almost every lunch. I told the security guard I'd steal him if I could to which the guard said "do it. take him home" aksjfa bUT MY DILEMMA,, YOU SEE,, I live with my family therefore they have their restrictions on animals. so.
i think... I'll be venturing on my own soon. idk. but I am gonna try. for my boys and potentially mister at the hotel (there's another cat who he hangs out with and i'd feel bad to leave that one out. you see my dilemma?)
#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc )#to delete *#not to get depressive but not a day goes by where i don't think of binx. that little boy stole what was left of my heart#i still love the two i got (fOR .. BINX..)#and honestly .. theyre kind of my grounding.#was slipping Extremely bad when i lost him. these two keep me a little busy kfjha#im just saying i miss having three voids. and my perfect son who i raised. i was so proud of him#i wanna get a third again. just to have the trio. it wont be the same. never. but i do wanna raise another#edit: i saw the black cat before i clocked out too tonight he was so cute#he meOWED AT ME. FIRST TIME EVER. AJHFSAJFHA#when i tell you i almost Dissolved#i almost thanos snapped myself- man- he was so cute ;;;;;;#wouldve stayed. wouldve. he's so handsome so sweet.
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