#and then when they got me a therapist they said they didnt notice anything was wrong with me they just thought i was tired

[bitchybylershipper]

alexithymia by noahfinnce is so fucking real like mom and dad i am literally serving my symptoms to you on a fucking plate please diagnose me just notice me at least

[littlelillycatsworld]

How do you hide sh at ballet?? I feel like my teacher always notices the band aids

Hiya I've just woken up from a nap sorry if this is a bit all over the place.

it's good that they notice it shows that they care enough about you to pay attention even if your not the class favourite (obviously idk your class positioning)

that being said let's get into it (sorry for how long this is)

honestly when I was younger I'm not even sure how I hid It (I've blocked out that part of my childhood) up until I was hospitalised constantly so they always kept a close eye on me.

I was allowed to wear long sleeves until things cleared up a bit more. so I guess you can say I didn't hide it from the ages of about 12-15.

I think at my worst my arms and legs where completely covered but I only let things get bad when it was a company break and I didnt have competitions, shows or anything else. this DID NOT happen often I think only 3 times

I know some schools/companies are really strict about leotards sleeve length aswell as tights colour. some allow full length others allow half length.

but if you can either where longer length layers/ leotards and black tights. I suggest finding out exactly what your school allows.

your not here for me to tell you to stop so I'm not going to but I will now gently remind you that it's okay to stop

if you can avoid it don't sh in the arm and thigh area. yes I know that takes away prime real estate but you still have other places like hip, rib and stomach.

if you can't avoid arm or thigh only do it a small amount so you can pass it off as a animal scratch or you got injured while out

I still do it (not as often these days only when it gets too much) these places still work but are a complete bitch when it comes time for lifts or pair work.

all I can say is that when a teacher notices that there is a possibility of sh or anything like that they keep a close eye on you. it gets put on your record

my place sent me to a therapist twice a week for around 2 years.

please remember to look after any fresh by doing basic first aid and keep yourself safe. ballet is hell but it's our beautiful hell please look after yourself

[foxfairy06]

HIIIII poookkksss its ollie, u banned me so ill yell at you on tumbllrrr <33333. YOU ARE A JOKKKE. "No cause i literally got diagnosed on the phone but ok hunn go off". okay sure, seriously doubtful because you could lie over the phone... did you know that... bet you didnt. anyway. like thats your reply to what u actually have to do to get a diagnosis, so your over the phone shit is actual bullshit. like its not covid no reason to do that, and also they need to see you in person and have you explain how your feeling aswell as your movements and the way that you respond to questions to get a diagnosis, or they will ask your family and friends or your teaching if they have noticed behavior that is needed for your diagnosis. so BULLSHIT BULLSHIT :333. Telling me to touch grass, god you so basic oml. also calling me a hypocrite when your a literal exclusionist , which you get to decide what is and isnt in the lgbtqia+ community is hypocrisy. from the merriam webster "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings" and something you said in our messages, "The basis is lgbt topics. It's meant to be a place for lgbt exclusionists to gather" you say you support ppl of lgbtq but if they dont meet your criteria or if you dont think their queer you exclude them. thats hypocrisy. anyway hope you actually get the help you need so you can WAKE THE FUCK UP for you stupidity <3 which i will continue to state because my proof above proves it <3.

-ollie p.s you are still a ball of sperm we all are its not rude its a literal fact

p.p.s if you bring up what i said in the server here is a message i sent to you "i was spewing BULLSHIT" which you know is because i am a troll and i was gathering dirt on you pooks

p.p.p.s i have screenshotted all of out chats <3 karmas a bitch she is coming for you.

Karma for??? Being a good person? I didn't say anything rude, homophobic, or bad to you so you have no actual leverage here. That's like saying "i took screenshots so karma is coming for you<3" to the poor child you just harassed that eas being respectful and kind to you the whole time.

For those who don't understand, green text to the rescue!

> be ollie

> be sitting at your moms computer, bored

> decide your life isn't angry enough

> create an entire Tumblr spewing radmed shit thinking transmeds will follow you

> find a transmed with a server

> start saying super homophobic shit and harass everyone

> get muted for being homophobic and transphobic and harassing people

> message all the mods and call them names for muting your

> admit you were trolling then scream and cry at the owner for being transmed while calling him names and making strawmen and adhominem

> get banned

> still be a pissbaby who can't stop being angry with his life

> decide touching grass is too much

> go leave a novel of an ask under the owners Tumblr that makes several assumptions and zero sense then question their means of diagnosis.

For those who don't have context, i am trans, I am duosex, I went to a therapy place for free, and saw a therapist. He immediately started going through the criteria for dysphoria because I asked but we ran out of time. So I'm getting my diagnosis finished over the phone. It took me two appointments and $0 to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis. So stop acting like this is difficult or hurting anyone.

It's not hypocrisy to provide a safe space for a group and exclude people. You would provide a safe space for enben that has binary people in it? Because they aren't enby. Thus they don't need that space, and could fuck it up.

You're the hypocrite calling me names and crying and screaming at me calling me crazy. Seriously get some help. Therapy is an option. If you don't feel safe in your current mental state you could always check in at an ER and tell them you need help. You could also look around. Many places provide therapy for free. Utilize these resources and stop harassing strangers online. I hope that goes well for you.

[aamethyst000]

What fckn even? (june 1, 24 - 5:12pm)

Duude. a lot has happend in a short amount of time. first off, Happy Pride Month! second, my childhood friend just moved back home like not even 4-5 months ago and we hung out like once with a group, and once alone. and in that time, i noticed he was odd and i had a little feeling it might have been about me. so ive been making it known that i am, in fact, gay af but that didnt seem to stick because (and i hesitate to even type this out) he still confessed to me. like??? to be fair, we dated once when we were teenagers and that was when i was still straight and cis. This is different now, i'm different now, and i know for damn sure that he is too. i even mentioned to him about my progress to legally change my name and gender. he said it was fine and that doesn't change anything but like, it DOES!!! i told him that if he still feels the same way, then maybe, you're POSSIBLY not as straight you may be? i mentioned that i did not want to force that onto him. cause if he never thought about it before or even looked at others that way, i dont think he has feelings for ME, as he says, he might still see the old me. which kinda bugs me, just a little bit though. This is what i was worried about too. if my attention on him was genuine, just from old habits as teenagers or i do have genuine feeling for him. i was trrying to figure it out when he moved back to his ex girlfriend. clearly, i didnt have it all figured out before he moved back home. i kept imagining myself dating him. the holding hands (this gave me the ick butterflies and a ick after taste in my mouth) kissing him and all thst shtick. i kept getting uncomfortable and it keeps reminding of my relationship of my last ex boyfriend. i didnt like it at all, so i am sure that is my answer to myself and him. i consider him my friend and goddammit i want to keep him around as a friend. i even said to myself, if it happens in the near future, it happens, but other than whats going on now, i dont see him in the same way. i may have to tell him as such too. i dont like it. it makes me nervous that i may lose him like that. which is kind of stupid if i do. i know thats how most of the men here are, im also aware that not all of them are like that. its just difficult to diffrentiate when most of them act aggressivly. anyway, i do not want to keep him waiting any longer than it needs to be. i told him it may take a couple of week because i have a hard time determinatiing my emotions properly. i have to know if its a trauma response or a genuine repsonse. it tends to be hard to tell.

12:23am - i even distract myself from thinking about it too much. i'm trying to get out of my head that if and when i do reject him, i'm not missing out on anything (no offense to him) it's just fears and the ugly voices in my head making me think i'll be alone for the rest of my life. like, so? i can adopt 2 cats, MAYBE a dog (a smol one) and keep up with my hobbies. there is nothing wrong with being alone, however, i am allowed to feel lonely. i keep trying to remind myself of that. i'm doing a lot of thinking with this one and i keep on coming to the same solution. i'm not interested in him, romantically. i just want him as a friend. Poor guy even remember the night we all gathered together for our "reunion class" we all got very fricken drunk and got stupid. i remember parts of it, up until we all head to my best friend's house to chill a bit. i feel so bad about that. it was the one time i let myself go too. not like we didnt do much, just hold hands and sat close. we didnt even kiss. HE EVEN APOLOGISED. i just hate rejecting people in general. not to mention hurting a persons feelers (i know, i am aggressively working on that issue, that kind of thinking go tme into trouble a lot). This whole situation got me so nervous, but im not going to change who i am as a person. i know for a fact that my personal issues and truamas are for me n my therapist to deal with. not for a relationship to magically fix. i dont even know if i am truely interested in being a relationship. i dont seem to miss it. sure, i may complain about it and say i want a girlfriend but the last time i did have a girlfriend, i ended up screwing that up by ghosting her. i know, dick move and so not cool. this was back in 2020 by the way but i still think about it. thinking about actually opening up and letting them see me for who i am makes me nervous as hell. not to mention the thought of sex makes me even more nervous. almost avoidant. its a lot to think about but i avoid thinking about it like the plaque. i just go day by day thinking about something else that is able to distract me. like leagally changing my name and gender. how much money i am saving and what not. anything to not think about me in relationships. just fckn nope. why the fuck is being an adult so goddamn difficult? lmao i hate it and i want to be 7 again, but at the same time, i so do not want to go back, my exsistential crisis was too much for lil me to handle at the time. i remember vividly how much that freaked me out! anyway, i get the feeling that tonight will be a long ass night again, i probably wont go to bed until 4-5am. and i keep on forgetting to take my damn medications too. no matter how much i try (ugh. i felt a sicking feeling in my belly when i wrote that), i have a reminder alert on my calandar, i tried to make it a habit to write it in my journal, and type it out here, but in my personal notes and i still dont take it on time or i miss nearly a week to a few days. its annoying, even for me.

june 28,24 4:31pm - this is me second time trying to fucking type this out. i am planning on tellling him that i do not have any romantic feelings for him. that i do not want to go out with him. not that there is anything wroong with him or me, i just dont want to be in a relationship with him because i am nervous that we both would be falling back to our old habits from our highschool years. im also even more nervous that he may not see me as who i really am, just as much im not seeing with the new and current him.. i dont like it at all. i even told him that i am getting top sugery and getting my name and sex change. he said it didnt matter, but it matters to me! im gay and very much iffy about men (personal trauma from a relaationship and father figure) and that is what i am going to tell him. not gonna lie though, im nercous to lose him as a friend. i just got him back this year, and it is fun to hang out with him. but if it happens, it happens i guess. this is the people pleasing issue that i am going through right now, as a teenager, i would have thought about it for a week then tell them that i have romantic feeling for them and then go out with them. those moments resulted from a game called "truth or dare" from my classmates. they really liked to use it as a dating game. A LOT. it actually got very annoying after a couple of months. it was awful in some months and others were just downright harrasing. anyway, i went on a tangent there, im just trying to get out of that people pleasing bs. old habits really die hard. i hope this goes well for the both of us, i wish the best for him and his children.have a good night/day, readers!~

[evil-wakes-in-vengeance]

Don't reply to this. I told you I'm rebuilding my life. I've got every confidence in myself, but thank you nonetheless. The thing that stings about it all is that you have nothing to say after months of not talking. Not that you have to say anything, that's your prerogative, I'm just genuinely surprised by it. It's good to know I was just a temporary filler for your loneliness at the time. Don't repeat the same mistake. I definitely won't be.

right this is the last time I am fucking replying to you and I'm going to break it down as simple as possible, I let you , ash , into my life, when I wasn't even ready but i decided to give it all a chance again after 4 years of toxicity with will. it started horrible and I should have seen the flags , one example would be the day you said you loved me and you decided to make me feel bad for not returning the notion, which guilt tripped the shit out of me, the next thing I knew you where slowly moving your stuff in doing in slowly almost as though I wouldnt notice, and I very clearly wasnt ready for that step I allowed it on the false pretention you would get a job , which you never did, to which I then got a second job , because I could not afford you myself and luna off of part time cleaning. Which i required you to watch my child for , which was met with me being some sort of "hoe" at work because I wanted to fuck everyoe or everyone me , and that was the same everywhere i went I couldnt even go in a shop without you sulking about a guy i had apperntly looked at, it was absurd , i couldn't do the one thing I enjoyed which was my motorbike meets because you made it fucking hell in regaurds to of course men, I was made to feel unloyal trapped and quiet frankly like i didnt exist because all you ever spoke about was yourself, i basically became your therapist even though you where slowly chocking the shit out of me, and my daughter of which you found hilariouse to bully and put down, calling her names as a joke the same as you did me and even calling her drawings bad just being outright horrible for your own entertainment , you wanted sex on demaned regaurdless off how i felt and if i said no i would yet again be met with a guilt trip to where i was left feeling misreable but as long you got what you wanted it didn't matter, you ironically would sit in my bed scrolling threw nudes off woman and even commenting on photos thinking i wasnt aware and you even messaged some girl attempting to meet , but I was the one being accused off god knows what even though id never looked anywhere else or anything of the sort. you just toke from me ash, you free loaded off my food my internet my tobocco everything, sat on your xbox most nights until fuck knows when and slept all day and would expect a pat on the back when you did something nice, yeh we went for some cycle rides we had some nice memories together but all of the nice shit with sobotaged by all of the above, the last straw was when I spoke to that black guy at central bar and I was accused of wanting BBD ect to the point the guy walked us back as he was concerned about me with your behaviour to which ended up with me finally fighting back and loosing my shit with you which resulted in you loobing my furniture across the room. so i kicked you out off my house and called the police, and from months on from there you sent me thousand and thousands of messages , you even sent me pictures of girls naked telling how much better they where than me, as if you hadnt already done a number on my confidence with comments i cant even put on the internet because theyre so disguisting like that one becky wanted to punch you in the face for (my god i wish she had!) , then at some point you broke into my fucking house , it toke the police months to catch your arse and theyre still processing all the evidence now and it still has to go to court, yet here the fuck you are with a restraining order against you messaging me , you currently have two fake accounts to stalk my instagram and fuck knows what else you stalk it seems my tumblr also of course! your obsessed , with what i dont even know because to be quiet fucking brutally honest with you i totally fucking hate you. you made me feel more alone than actually being alone has ever ever made me feel, and thanks to you im now absoloutly fucking terrified to let anyone near not just me but my child ! because i never want some cunt to treat her like you did ! you..are..vile.

[justanotherdisappointment92]

Saw T today. I sent her a text in the morning asking whether we have a session and fell back asleep. She answered yes.

Immediately when i got to her office she handed me a little birthday gift and that totaly caught me off guard. I dont even remember saying thank you! What is wrong with me! I just said i was totally not expecting anything. I didnt open the gift there, just like last year - this is fine with her, no stress. Thats my emotional inhibition . I hate to open gifts wih people looking at me.

I then told her I had been very worried (hard to tell her, that was), and that i had had a terrifyinh feeling. She told me nothing had happened to her, but it made it sound like something happened to someone else. Which is totally congruent with my thought that someone near to her has passed. Then I noticed an unopened flowerthingy in one corner and that was all it took to confirm my thoughts. I did not ask her anything regarding her absence thiugh. In the past my therapist has shared with me probably more than many therapists ever will, and our boundaries are more loose than with many, but I still respect them (boundaries). They are there for a reason.

I then talked about various things and dissociated a bit.. in thr end i became anxious about the ending and noticed that it was tough for me to be needy when i was operating under the expectation that she had had a recent trauma.

[relaxxattack]

ayo! (wait this might be a bit of a jumpscare dishdks i apologize) i’m op of That Post and was wondering what your opinions were on the whole woobification thing? /gen

because it’s a Tiny Bit widespread within the dream apologists to sort of,, overdramatize stuff like l’manberg hurting him. like they’re not a 100% wrong but if you look at it subjectively you can see some sort of bias going into that sort of thing that makes the character’s mistreatment a bit more blatant and intentional which,, it really wasn’t? and there wasn’t That Much of it either. especially on twitter (tumblr is much better about it) people just jump to conclusions it seems and yeah. since you brought it up i was wondering if you wanted to write a bit about it from your perspective!

we’re kinda from different corners of the fandom but i still notice that once you are too attached to a character you start taking certain evidence and giving it more weight than it actually has. there’s a blurry line between “taking away a character’s humanity” and woobification and it’s extremely difficult to find a balance when said character shows pretty much nothing of his emotional life (e. g. putting up the intimidating villain act in front of only c!tommy, pretty much everything he does making rational sense with no emotional subtext) and a lot of the fandom instantly jumps to one side or the other while it’s like.

we don’t know by far enough to say “he’s traumatized” or “he isn’t traumatized” or “he was villainized and it hurt him” or “l’manberg didn’t affect him at all”

as a very analytical person people constantly jumping to conclusions grinds my gears, but that’s about it for my own view of the situation - sorry for the rambling.

in general i agree with you that both dehumanization and woobification is Bad and i really hope getting Actual Context sorts this out (e. g. him saying he was betrayed by his friends doesn’t mean it wasn’t partially his fault or that they were allowed to leave him, but it also shows that he did care about that happening. mentioning the cat doesn’t mean anything about what happened to c!tommy but it also shows that he did care about what happened to it. it’s just always interesting to get more information about the way he feels because he usually does a very good job at hiding it.) because man.

it’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, especially if you also are attached to the character and are expected to automatically agree with everything the people on “your side” say. it just ends up with everyone being mad and the character being mischaracterised overall.

oh wow hello! i didnt expect the op of the post to find me you’re right lol

and yes i agree! you seem to have a lot of very good thoughts tbh.

and by woobification, i mean exactly what you’ve already pointed out— the people who will say l’manberg purposely villainized dream, the people who will say wilbur faked his mental illness to manipulate dream, the people who are pretty much always talking about how badly dream was treated by people who were acting only fairly for themselves, usually.

for example people who act like dream was a perfect peacemaker before tommy showed up, or that tommy started most conflict. these are just actual lies that are told by c!dream himself to justify his abuse of tommy, and people fall for them incredibly easily because not a lot of people watched early dsmp and know that truthfully it was chaotic even then, and that dream was chaotic too. not to mention wilbur soot tried very hard to secede peacefully with l’manberg and dream jumped directly into war with no warning. and then people say he was forced into their war when, no, he started it.

theres also people who will say like, dream and sapnap for example are such good friends. i’m sure they cared for each other, but dream on multiple occasions has done horrible things to sapnap with no regard for his feelings (like leading fundy to sapnaps pets during the petwar, leading tommy to sapnaps pets during the other petwar and encouraging him to kill them, handing mars over to tommy to use as leverage against sapnap, etc). george he’s been less awful too but he certainly spoke over him and ignored his feelings enough that george felt hurt. he had places in his hall of attachments for beckerson and mars. george and sapnap were right to walk away from being treated like that.

there’s also what you just said here — “dream puts on a villain persona for tommy”— but honestly he acts like that around quite a few people (example: eret) and it’s usually when he’s revealing crucial info, which leads me and many others to believe that ‘persona’ is actually a more truthful version of him.

there’s the fact that he really isn’t safe for people to be around (or at least he wasn't before the prison) because he was planning to come up with ways to control every single person by stealing and threatening their attachments (some of which were not items but were living animals, or a real breathing person).

and then people will say dream was doing exile to enforce rules, or to keep the peace— when it’s very clear in canon it was a deliberate plan to get tommy on his own and into the prison. (from the way he was framing tommy for multiple crimes, and having sam set up the prison, and kidnapping tommy instead of correctly exiling him, all at the same time).

not even going into how he wants to kill and revive people for fun or make tommy immortal.

it’s just— ignoring all these actual facts and saying “oh he misses his friends, let’s get him some friends now” reminds me of like. when people would put flower crowns on pictures of serial killers. and then, there’s hardly anyone on the server who wasn’t subject to dream’s plans, so there’s absolutely no one i would be okay with him interacting with.

just remembered about the torture thing, and wow i still hate it so much. it’s someone’s sick revenge fantasy twisted into a way to get a manipulative villain sympathy, and it’s just gross to me on every account. i do think dream is traumatized-- just not by l’manberg, which was a conflict he started on his own terms. i would think l’manberg did affect him, because he was scared of losing control.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again— my ideal ending for dream would be for him to be sent far away from dsmp to an island full of therapy animals and super strong therapists who have never met him before. and for him to get a shit ton of therapy until he becomes a halfway normal person. and then eventually he could get integrated into society again; but a different one with new people. (although maybe dteam + bbh + puffy can visit him, they might still like him.)

none of the people on the server (who have all been affected by dream) should be burdened with befriending him or rehabilitating him— look how that turned out with sam! sam had a personal grudge towards dream and it ended with the poor dude being tortured every day; and sam himself falling into corruption and literally cutting off his boyfriends arm. like we can all see thats fucking awful right?

no one who was affected by dream should have to deal with him ever again. and contrary to popular belief, that includes a LOT more people then just tommy. dream isn’t just tommy’s antagonist, hes almost everybody’s.

the only person on the server who might also be able to stand to help dream is techno, and that’s from sheer lack of ability to give a shit. but techno is probably THE furthest thing from a good therapist there is lol, and dream needs better then that.

this kind of just ended up being a rant about my thoughts on c!dream, so im so sorry op. especially since it was probably negative for you. i hope you’re doing very well.

i guess in the end it’s true what you said— people will highlight or ignore things based on what characters they like, and it’s especially easy to do in this fandom, where half the content doesn’t even get watched and then we become a big echo chamber of half-truths.

considering dream has hurt so many of the characters i care about, i almost can’t understand how he could be someone’s favorite or comfort character— but he is nonetheless, and it would be unfair of me to be rude about that.

essentially it just bothers me to see someone who was a perpetrator of accurately portrayed abuse and manipulation (using both those words in their actual definitions, not just as random buzzwords lol) being given the flower crown edit effect. especially since he’s hurt the characters i care about a lot.

ANYWAY all of that being said (this got LONG im so sorry op) i am so so excited to get dream’s pov, because although i disagree with his actions strongly i actually find dream’s character very interesting and cool, and watching his POV is going to insanely fun. i cannot wait to see what theories get confirmed or denied

ALSO incase it wasn’t clear this is all /nm at you! you seem lovely and smart, and neither of us can help what characters we get attached to :]

[babysizedfics]

janus trying to get child virgil to socialize and it ending in bullying

tw: angst, bullying (not violent) between children, ableism against an (undiagnosed) autistic child

janus always knew that it was healthy to get a child to socialize with other children especially since virgil was not enrolled in education in the mindscape, janus homeschooled him. so when virgil was 6 yrs old he started taking him to a playgroup at weekends (virgil was still mostly mute but occassionally said single words if he needed something like "hungry" or "sleep" or "change")

and janus stayed during the playtime for the first two or three weeks so that virgil got used to the nanny and the environment. janus informed her that virgil was still in diapers and she did look down on that a little and told janus he should get him potty trained ASAP but janus was trying his best.

but for all that time virgil refused to go and play with the other children and just clung to janus, so eventually janus was like okay Virgil, janus is going to go outside for a while then i'll be right back, dont worry this nice lady will look after you - and leaves virgil there for the hour, trying to encourage him to get used to being separated from janus

then when he comes to collect him virgil immediately runs back to him and clings so hard and janus is worried. he asks the nanny how was he did he throw any tantrums did he ask for me and she says he was fine, he did cry a bit at the beginning but then some older kids helped him feel beter - and janus is like oh!! thats amazing thank you!!

and as he carries virgil home virgil is completely silent but janus is like did you have fun? was it nice to play with the older kids? i bet you had lots of fun! and virgil would just cling to him and janus assumed he was shy from interacting with people

so that happened a couple more times, janus left virgil there and virgil wouldnt speak but he wouldnt cry and cling to janus or anything either, so he assumed it was just shyness - there was one time his white hair had clumps of various colours of paint in it and the nanny and janus chuckled over him having an artistic streak

until one day when he comes back a little earlier to pick virgil up just because they had to get to the store before it shut or something - so he shows up early and all the kids are running around playing with toys and stuff, and he spots virgil with a group of three older boys and he starts to smile - until he notices virgil sucking his thumb, which is mainly a sleepy or a nervous habit

so he frowns and steps into the nursery closer trying to swerve around giggling kids and toddlers running around, and he starts to hear the boys

"he wont do that hes only a baby" "no he's not, he's like 4!" "yeah but i seen he always wears a diaper!" *giggles* "i bet he wont do it!" "yeah he will, he will!" "go on tell him to do it!"

and little virgil is just curled into himself and sucking his thumb and looking at their feet because he doesnt like looking at peoples eyes.

and one of the boys says "hey, you gotta eat this!" and holds out a piece of modelling clay and janus' heart races in the few seconds it takes for virgil to start whimpering and step back and another boy quickly pull him closer and insist "the nany said you have to or you'll be in trouble! don't you wanna be good for your weird daddy?" and hear the other boys laughing as virgil sniffles and pulls his thumb out of his mouth ready to reach for the clay

janus RUSHES in and scoops virgil into his arms and coos "no virgil, no no shh you dont need to do that, darling" and virgil immediately starts to cry into his shoulder and clings tight, and literally all janus has to do is look at the little boys - with his pierced lip and his snake tattoo and his scarred face - and the boys run away.

and janus FURIOUSLY storms over to where the nanny was helping a little girl brush a dolls hair and demand to know why she didnt notice those boys trying to force his child to eat clay - and shes pretty flippant like ohh no those boys have always been well behaved, im sure they werent forcing virgil to do anything,

but janus insists and yells that his child was being manipulated by thise boys and she did nothing to stop it and she argues that maybe virgil was just a little confused and wanted to eat the clay - janus is incredulous "are you saying my child is stupid??" "no no not stupid. perhaps special?" she suggests quite condescendingly - and janus looks enraged but the nanny insists that he please leave in case he scare the children. he hisses "gladly." they never go back

janus never learns what the boys did to virgil/made him do in the previous sessions - virgil doesnt have the comminicative capacity to tell him - but he can obviously make an educated guess that the paint in virgils hair that one time probably wasnt his choice

and after that janus never tried to take virgil to that playgroup again. they tried some others over the years, maybe another couple, but they ended similarly, with virgil being picked on - mostly for his albinism or for not being able to speak or basically anything the other kids saw as different.

a few years later he took virgil to an older boys club - the club was maybe like a wilderness thing, where they learn to tie knots and use a compass and stuff - it was when he was about 11 years old and could finally speak in full sentences, so janus thought virgil being able to talk to the other kids would finally give him an opportunity to make some friends. though janus didnt yet realise that virgil was selectively mute, and still couldnt speak with strangers

so when janus picked him up from the first session, he found virgil shaking and tearful standing outside of the club with a big wet patch on his pants and a group of the other boys all sniggering and pointing and whispering a few feet away from him. virgil had gone mute at the club, which became an issue when he needed the bathroom but couldnt ask the club leader where it was or if he could go, and led to a very upsetting and humiliating accident in front of all the other boys.

at that point janus knew he wouldnt be bringing virgil back to that club either, and they basically gave up on getting virgil to socialize with kids his age since it kept ending in virgil being bullied for his differences

...

nowadays i think only janus and virgil (and eventually virgils therapist, dr picani) know about these incidents, janus would never tell anyone else abt them and virgil wouldnt want to relive them by telling his family. so janus is really the only one who realises that virgil being so affected by the cyberbullying he experienced in the past couple of years wasnt just about the cyberbullying, but it probably resurfaced old traumatic memories too

[beabaseball]

*discussion of fictional sexual abuse.

I remember being probably 14-15 and reading a nonfiction book from a therapist recounting stories (with permission) from his teenaged clients, and one of them was from a kid who experienced a gay bashing, and when the police arrived "they asked me if I'd raped anyone tonight. Not 'hooked up with.' Not 'had sex with'. Raped."

And I need you to understand: I didn't know what that sentence meant. I understood a distinction was being drawn, but to my knowledge, 'rape' was just another word for 'sex.'

In hindsight, this was because I am deeply fucking asexual, and functionally they are the same word to me. I cannot conceive of sex as pleasurable unless it's a psychological torture "my body betrayed me!!" type deal. I understand consent as a concept but functionally, agreeing to sex sounds about equivalent to agreeing to being burned. Maybe in some fuck or die scenario I would agree! But that doesn't actually mean concent as much as that I dont plan to intentionally struggle bc I want to live.

But despite my Severe Disinterest, I still had those hormonal changes that made no sense. Even if at the time I didn't really notice them, like once a month at least I would go to ffnet or deviantart or lg, and briefly y gallery, and... I would read rape fanfic. That was the search term word I used. "[Chatacter] rape." I'm pretty sure it showed up in mom's search history one morning because she said she understood teenagers looked stuff up, but just don't do it on her computer (oops).

When I was in 7th grade (13 years old), I stayed behind after our 'sex ed' lesson and cried to the teacher that I thought I was going to hell because I read fanfiction gay sex. Again: I was afraid of the gay sending me to hell, not that the gay stuff I was reading was frequently noncon. (I preferred dubcon, actually-- maybe the confused feelings about ~how you didn't really want this~ felt more genuine, or maybe the plausible deniability made it safer or something. But I was coping with hormonal changes I didnt want by reading stories about that hormonal interaction people didn't want. )

And I need to stress: these were not "good" rape stories. Not recovery stories. Not condemnations of anything. Only a few ones were 'realistic' about the pain and fear (I assume realistic-- pessimisitc might be a better word? I have no idea how real any of them might've been.) being written. Most of the time, the happy endings for fics were that they realized they really loved their rapist and got into a stable partnership immediately after. (There were a lot of valid critiques about this and as a trend it's disappeared a lot.)

A few years older, I remember realizing my rp partner had a vibrator irl and I had the thought that they might be masturbating along to our rps and it made me fully nauseaus. I couldn't stop thinking about it and to some extent I still cant? The concept of irl consensual sex is so much worse than the absolute worst fictional stuff, and I am including the nausea I felt at reading the end of A Serbian Film (note: this film's entire premise is to sicken you and so far for me it's second only to reading what happens in sausage party. "How could sausage party possibly be worse than a serbian film!?" you ask. "Sausage party only had concensual flirting and inneuendo!" but some of us are more affected by violent death than literally any type of sex)

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. I no longer read porn. At all. Smut is bothersome to me and even fics I like, I find myself losing interest and skipping whole sections trying to find the end. I'll still rp some things out with a partner I trust but thinking back literally all of it has been about alien anatomy goofs or angst, not actually about sex. Like. In specific cases (alien pregnancy? What body horror lies here) it pops up and can be kind of fun to specilate with, but having grown out of puberty finally and blocked hormone fluctuations chemically?

I don't seek that out anymore. All sex is uniformly uninteresting and fictional violence is just fictional violence. (Obviously irl violence is different because there's someone who is actually hurt.)

I think what I'm trying to say is

I do not have a real stake in some of this argument because people ignore nonsexual violence in fic I guess

But teenage me was reading those fics, and writing them out, and writing and drawing things infinitely worse than some of what's given as examples of Bad Thoughts You Shouldn't Share. I've definitely got some followers from h3t@l1a days who should be able to remember some stuff that I have deleted off my blog because I didn't want to see it again.

Clearly, there was something in that content that teenaged me wanted, even if it was just to get through ovulation week.

I wasn't working through trauma. I wasn't doing anything irl that was suspect. I was at worst a kid who had severe trauma completely unrelated to sex.

There have been fics that hurt me. Mostly it was bile fascination or misreading the tags. They are hardly the only thing that's hurt me, and definitely not the worst, because a lot of it wasn't even done well enough to do much. I definitely saw some stuff in google searches I didnt want to because Google image search is a minefield at the best of times (hi there drowned body!!). I have unconventional triggers that not only aren't tagged for but which are common media tropes that still pop up with no warning, and which circulate tumblr sometimes as jokes.

I'm not saying "have porn available to everyone all the time everywhere especially to children" and anyone who says that has not read this post and this sentence is in here as a gotcha. There must be some amount of separation that takes intent to pass, like warnings and disclaimers that must be clicked through--

But also, there's a big difference between a 12 year old kid, and a 15 year old one, and a 24 year old who just got hormone control and suddenly doesnt have to deal with a libido ever again.

And all those people need different things. And maybe I didn't NEED bad fanfic, maybe I would've been fine, I have no way to go back in time and find out, but also-- it didn't hurt me. I know it can hurt some people and again that's why we have tagging systems and detailed warnings now. These last few years of fanfic have been the most peaceful and smooth I've ever had.

Rape bad. Abuse bad.

Fanfiction, even fanfiction about young protagonists who at some point finger each other, are neither of those things, and you have no way of knowing whether what the author came here for was "getting off", or if it was about feeling something visceral inside, when the only thing that has room left is horror.

[mayflowers07]

Moceit/found family Superfamily AU

(Tw: mention of panic attacks, depression, anxiety, death, kidnapping, human trafficking. Nothing is shown in huge detail at all but be warned)

Also this is a long plot so bare with me:

Okay so Janus Trần was a 20 year old law student by day, world famous super hero named Deceit by night

His power was that Janus had the ability to mind control people if they looked him in the eyes

And while Janus had always used his powers for good, most people (especially the media) still feared Deceit for what he could potentially do

But that was fine, right? I mean he didn’t really have any friends as Janus and as Deceit the world hated him, but he worked better alone! He was definitely not suffering from crippling loneliness... definitely not...

Everything changed when, while stopping a back robbery, another hero named Morality thought Deceit was the one robbing the bank and tried to fight him

And even when after the mixup was cleared up, Janus was still pissed

Except staying mad at Morality was kind of hard. Because instead of trying to justify himself, Morality told him he was really really sorry and insisted on taking Deceit out for lunch to make up for it

During lunch Janus learned a couple of things:

1) Morality had no concept of keeping secrets. He revealed that his real name was Patton Saleh, he was 22, he had two moms and worked at their bakery, and his powers were to manipulate the weather around him based on his emotions

2) Patton was one stubborn SOB. He payed for the meal (despite Janus’ arguing), he gave Janus his number and started texting him later that night, and decided that they were going to be friends, whether Janus liked it or not

3) Janus was already falling in love with this human ball of sunshine... well shit

The two began hanging out as heroes almost daily (Janus swore that he was annoyed by this) and even began teaming up together to fight together

And that actually worked out really well! They both had way better success rates when they fought together, and Janus really felt happier then ever now that he finally had a friend

The issue was that Janus still didn’t want to give up any of his secrets. About a year after they first met (a year of keeping his growing and growing crush on Patton hidden) and Patton still didn’t know Deceit’s real name, age, occupation, or literally anything

This caused a wedge between the two of them that eventually turned into a huge argument. This ended with Patton screaming that he refused to give his heart to someone who won’t give anything back in return and storming off

The two didnt talk for months and the depression and loneliness hit Janus way harder then ever. He even considered not being a hero anymore because of it

Then one day he saw on the news that Morality got hurt in a battle. Badly hurt. And it was a fight that the two of them could have easily won together but because he was alone, Patton was hurt. Because of him, Patton was hurt

Janus booked it over to the Storytellers’ headquarters (Thomas had the ability to heal wounds and acted as the superhero medical assistance for anyone who needed it)

Storyteller explained that Patton would be fine but he would probably be unconscious for a while and that Janus could sit by his bed to wait

While there, seeing the love of his life so pale and lifeless, Janus broke down and told Patton everything. He confessed his name and his whole backstory- how his parents kicked him out when he was 16 because of his powers. He confessed that he had been scared of opening up ever since then and getting hurt again. And he confessed that he loved Patton so so much, even though he didn’t feel worthy to love someone as wonderful as Patton

Three days later, Patton woke up. And the first thing he did is ask for Janus; not Deceit though, he asked for Janus. Meaning Patton had heard everything while he was out. Once Storyteller gave him the all clear to go into his room, Patton immediately pulled Janus in for a kiss and said that he’d been in love with Janus since that first lunch

Janus wasn’t crying. He was not sobbing hysterically and holding Patton’s hand like a lifeline thank you very much.

Once Patton got back on his feet, the two started dating for real. And sure, they still occasionally fought about Patton not putting himself first or Janus hiding things, but they worked through these things each and every time

Half a year later and the two moved in together

And a year after that and they finally got married

Fast forward to when Janus was 31 and Patton was 33. Patton owned his own restaurant, Janus was a very successful lawyer, and the hero thing was going great

One day while Janus was in court, Morality was patrolling the city when he noticed a figure in black hood and mask graffitiing a building. He went to stop the person but as soon as he touched them, he started having vivid, graphic hallucinations of his worst nightmares until he collapsed on the ground screaming and crying

Eventually Janus got a call saying what happened, and he rushed downtown to pick up his husband and take him home

The hallucinations didn’t end until twelve hours later and the first thing Patton said when he was able to speak was that they needed to find the person who did that to him. But not to get revenge like Janus thought, but to help them

Janus tried to appeal to his husband but Patton was deadset that before the person lashed out, he saw their eyes and they looked like a scared child that needs help rather then a villain

After a week of searching the duo tracked down the kid and found him robbing a 7/11. The kid was hesitant to explain anything, but he didn’t attack them. Before he ran away though, he told them to call him Anxiety and that he was sorry he hurt Morality. Patton considered the interaction a win

Over the course of a year, they continued to reach out to Anxiety. They bought him food whenever they saw him, got him warmer clothes in the winter, they even invited him to sleep over at their house when he got sick or too tired to go home. But he still refused to give his name or take off his mask, even when Janus or Patton trusted him enough to reveal theirs

And Janus found himself getting attached to this sarcastic, introverted little kid. He taught Anxiety to better control his powers (turned out that that first day with Patton was an accident because Anxiety was stressed out) and how to defend himself without powers

The breaking point was reached when one day, Anxiety came to them in the middle of a panic attack. They calmed him down enough for him to explain that, when he was eight his powers manifested, and his mom started abusing him and calling him a monster- and now she has been threatening to kill him

Janus and Patton felt their hearts’ break for their kid so they promised they wouldn’t let him go back to her. Finally Anxiety took off his mask and told them his name was Virgil Brown and he was 15 years old

Thanks to Janus’ lawyer skills, getting Virgil’s mom thrown in jail and obtaining custody of Virgil was easy (when they asked Virgil if he wanted to live with them, he started crying because no one had ever made him feel as safe as Patton and Janus had)

The family got Virgil a therapist and continued to help him with his powers and everyone was content with their perfect little family

Until one day two years later Janus got intel that a local gang was transporting a dangerous weapon to a new location and him and Patton went to intercept the gang before they could

The bust went well but when they went to break down the door of the transport van, they were shocked to find not a weapon, but a seven year old kid chained up and giving off waves of electric energy

Patton flashed Janus the puppy dog eyes so of course they took the kid home with them. The kid was scared out of his mind but with some gentle coaxing from Patton, he told them his name was Roman, he was actually ten but he had been starved his whole life so he was quite small, and when he was five his mom, dad, and twin brother were killed and he was kidnapped to be used as an energy source

Janus and Patton already mentally signed the adoption papers in their heads at this point. And Virgil saw this scared child and saw his past self in him so of course Virgil immediately decided he would die for his new brother

They slowly worked to get Roman back to a physically healthy point and to open up about what happened to him while he was kidnapped, and it turned out that Roman was actually a very talkative, excitable kid when he was not fearing for his life

And each detail Roman gave about how he was beaten and locked away just cemented the fact that Janus and Patton were going to give this kid the childhood he deserved

Life had been going well. Virgil graduated high school and started both med-school and going out on patrol with his dads on occasion, and Roman thrived in school as one of the most popular kids

Of course that was not the end of the story because their lives have never been that simple

Fellow hero Mindmeld died in a building collapse and in his will, he asked someone to go to his apartment and get all his affairs in order

Janus decided he would and lawyers up to go over to the given address. And when he got there, he immediately freaked the fuck out because why was there a kid in the apartment?

Turned out Mindmeld had a four year old son named Logan whose mother died years ago and who was now an orphan with no other relatives. A four year old who also had his late father’s telekinetic abilities that made his toys fly around the air and attack Janus when he tried to pick Logan up

You get the picture by now, of course they adopted Logan

And at first Logan was super uncomfortable and closed off to these strangers and kept asking for his dad

But then one night he had a nightmare and when Patton and Janus came to help him, he sleepily called the duo Dad and Papa and they knew they were making progress

Roman and Virgil were both kind of jealous of Logan at first because to them it looked like he was the favourite of the family as the baby, but Logan was such a curious, sweet little kid that no one could really be mad at him for very long

So Patton and Janus had three kids. Three super powered, traumatized kids.

Except that number soon went up to four. One of the members of the gang that had kidnapped Roman- who was now twelve- confessed from prison that they had never actually killed Roman’s brother

Instead they had sold Remus across the country to a supervillain organization that dealt in trading superpowered kids. Apparently Remus had the ability to manipulate soundwaves

So the parents left Virgil in charge and hauled ass to this organization.

Through some potentially illegal interrogation techniques, they managed to find out which warehouse Remus had been kept in this whole time

They found Remus- who had been locked away in a soundproof cell alone for years- and Remus immediately freaked out and lashed out with his powers when they freed him

The sound wave he released knocked down the buildings around him and ended up temporarily deafening Janus and Patton

Remus started freaking out because he thought they were going to hurt him but both of them were only concerned with this poor, scared kid’s safety

Patton told Remus that they had Roman in safety and immediately Remus calmed down and started sobbing and begging to see his brother

They brought Remus home with them and as soon as the brothers saw each other, they were both hysterical. They refused to even let go of each other for a whole week

Remus took even longer then his brother to adjust. He outright avoided being around anyone in the family other then Roman

Finally Remus confessed that he felt horribly guilty about what he did to his new dads and that he was scared he’d hurt someone again

But then Virgil sat down with his new brother and talked to him about the first time he met Patton and how he hurt him too. He tells him about how he knows what it feels like to think that no one could ever love you unconditional, but assures that with Janus and Patton it’s possible. They all have a group hug afterwards, and Remus soon blossomed around his family

And that where the story ends off: a long, long way away from the silently suffering Janus from the beginning who kept to himself, because he thought that no one would ever love him for who he really was.

Because sometimes a family is

a nine year old kid genius who skipped two grades and is in the habit of recreating the Matilda scene for fun

two sixteen year old twin boys that are known citywide as Deceit’s former sidekicks turned solo heroes named Lightning and Thunder

a twenty-four year old nightmare bender who now mentors under Storyteller as the newest superhero healer

and two forty/forty-two year old retired heroes that love their kids and each other to the ends of the Earth and back

[flashbackharry]

Tw; Postpartum Depression

Call 1-800-944-4773 (4PPD)

English and Spanish or

Text a Message: 503-894-9453 if you are struggling with Postpartum Depression. This hotline is COMPLETELY confidential and available 24/7.

You sat down on the rocking chair with your 3 week old baby cradled in your arms. She looked so peaceful. You were so afraid of even moving an inch, careful not to wake her as you just got her to close her eyes. You never felt so exhausted in your life. Sleep was now a distant memory, you were moving through life in a forgetful haze.

You stared at your precious baby in your arms and a twang of hurt and absolute adoration tugged at your heart. There was no denying you loved this baby, she was now your entire heart-but there was a small piece of you that thought you couldn’t do motherhood. A small part of you buried deep, deep down. A small part of you that almost felt unworthy. Sometimes, when Harry was asleep and you just put her down you’d go into the bathroom, sink to the floor and sob. Turning the shower on to drown out your cries.

Harry was absolutely the best father you could have hoped for. But he didnt know how much you were struggling. Seeing him interacting with the baby seemed so easy, like besides singing, he was meant to take care of an infant. Your eyes swelled whenever you'd catch him in the nursery holding her even though she was already asleep.

“Just wanted to hold her.” He'd say with a raspy voice and you'd nod and walk back to your bedroom and go under the covers and try to hold everything back.

It's not like Harry didn’t notice your melancholy behavior. Ever so often he’d catch you staring off into space and within seconds he was in your line of sight.

“Everything okay?”

You’d give him a small smile and nod, telling him you were just tired. He’d hold you while you napped and whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

The day everything shifted was when Harry announced he'd be gone for a week. He had agreed to do a weeks worth of promo for his upcoming album. When he told you, your eyes widened and the anxiety settled in.

“A week?” you asked, trembling in your voice.

“Yeah I know it's not ideal, but it's only a week and I’ll be right back here.” He said washing some glasses in the sink, up to his elbows in soapy water. When you didn't say anything back he turned his head to you, his gaze met your teary eyes, and he noticed your palms were shaking. He took his hands out of the soapy water, grabbed a towel as he dried his hands off, all whilst walking towards you. He knelt in front of where you were sitting on the chair.

“Hey, hey what's going on bub”

He said softly, his hand went to lift your chin to meet his gaze.

You huffed and your breath came out shaky. How do you explain to him you were terrified of being left alone with your baby. How do you explain you couldn't do any of it without his help, to look out for you, but especially for the baby.

“Please don’t go, Harry, I c-can’t do this without you.” You hiccuped and suddenly the tears were coming on faster.

“Where's this coming from love?.” He cooed cupping your face.

You were getting frustrated. You moved Harrys hands off you and pushed back in your chair, standing up. Harry stood up and you were both now at eye level.

“Please! Harry just do this one thing for me pl-please.” You said through your sobs.

“Okay,okay. I won't go. I’m right here baby.” He said as he drew you closer to him and enveloped his entire body over yours. Clinging on to you like you'd crumble if he were to let go. He rubbed circles into your back, whispering everything would be okay in your ear and occasionally peppering kisses onto your forehead.

You stayed like that for a while before Harry finally felt okay letting you go. Your anxiety subsided, but it still lingered in the back of your mind. Only silent, slow tears leaving your eyes, you took a deep breath and let go of Harry. He looked up at you, concern laced his features, a mixture of worry and questioning haunted his eyes and you felt guilty for being the reason they were there.

Harry guided your shaky figure back to the dining table and pulled the chair out for you. You sat and immediately put your down on the cool granite.

Harry turned the kettle on and while he waited for it to boil, he walked over to your slumped figure, he massaged your back with his fingers and pressed kisses into your hair. He pulled a chair up right next to you and took your hands into his. Kissed each and every one of your finger tips.You raised your head and the two of you stared into each other's eyes. He looked tired and worried, you reciprocated the same look. You weren't crying anymore but the hurt still lingered deep in your chest.

“Wanna talk about it bub?” Harry asked.

You told him everything you felt in the past three weeks since you've had the baby. The hurt, the longing, the guilt. You told him about the crying sessions you've had in the bathroom late at night when he and the baby were fast asleep. About how you envied how easy all this came for him, how loving his child was easy for him; free of hurt and pain. About all the insecurities you had about being a mother.

Before you knew it you were crying again and Harry guided you to his lap. He cupped your face in his hand and wiped your tears away with the pads of his thumbs. You noticed he was crying as well. You kissed his salty tears away.

“Why did you tell me any of this was going on love? I'm so sorry this was happening and I didn’t pick up on it”

You pondered his question for a minute and the answer was on the tip of your tongue all along.

“I didn’t know how bad it was until the prospect of having to do it completely alone hit me.” You said,meeting his gaze.

You embraced each other for quite some time, forgetting all about the tea you planned to make.

“I’m sorry my love, we’re gonna get through this together. I’m not leaving your side.” He murmured into your neck.

“Would you be okay with seeing a therapist? You don’t have to do it alone, i’ll join if you want me to. I just want to make sure you’re getting help beyond what I can provide.” He asked, looking for any hint of hesitation in your eyes.

“Yes, I wouldn’t mind that. Not at all.” You breathed a sigh of relief, finally you were going to stare this thing straight in the eye. You just wanted your life back and now that seemed possible instead of terrifyingly daunting.

You heard the baby start to fuss over the monitor you had in the kitchen. You both stirred, untangling yourselves from each other.

“I got it.” Harry said but you took his hand and sat him back down.

“No no, it’s okay I got it bub.” You said, giving him a small smile and kissing his cheek. He turned his face so his lips met yours and you pinched his side before going up the stairs to the nursery.

Your baby was still fussing in the crib so you picked her tiny body up. Shocked at the sudden movement, she cried some more not long before smelling your familiar scent and calming down. You sat in the rocking share and this time saw hope instead of fear when looking at the love of your life in your arms.

“..Hey Jeff, yeah I cant fly out on Friday, might have to push back the promo stuff for a while.” You heard Harry say over the monitor.

“No everything is okay, just the missus and the baby really need me and i’m not comfortable leaving them for a week.” You felt saddened Harry had to push his album release back a few dates.

“They’re my entire world Jeff, thank you for understanding...yeah see you soon buddy, bye now.” Harry’s voice died out and suddenly you heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

Harry held a tiny baby bottle in his arms.

“I heard you on the monitor. I’m sorry Harry.” You said looking up at him as you took the bottle he was offering you.

“Nope, Up up please.” He gestured for you to get up off the rocking chair and he sat down, pulling you and the baby in your arms into his lap.

“None of that, I want to be here. That stuff can wait.”

“Are you sure? Everyone’s anticipating this album Harry.”

“Yeah I am too, but it would absolutely wreck me if I released it while everything wasn’t okay here. You two come first.Always.” He said kissing your daughter's cheek and resting his face on your neck.

“You are the best mother in the entire world.” He said.

“Right up there next to Anne.” He said smiling into the crook of your neck.

Things were going to be okay.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hello 💖

May I please have Arthur x Reader? They get into a fight and reader is so stressed that they get overheated and ends up passing out? Like their pulse is fast and out cold for a few hours. Thanks chu 💫✨⭐

Hiiiii hun, I missed you! ❤ Of course. Its always a pleasure. Here is the result and I reallyyyyyyy hope you like it.❤

Arthurs hand in yours felt warm and familar. It was the only thing to hold onto in this cold, dark world, especially here in Gotham city. Walking through those crowded streets usually wasnt fun. But today he was by your side. The two of you together. Hand in hand. There was nothing in this world you needed more. Even though it was just a regular day, there was that moment of pure happiness.

You just came back from Arthurs appointment with his new therapist and she seemed so much nicer than Dr Kane. She even allowed you to be present for the whole time, because Arthur was more than nervous about meeting her for the first time. He didnt had  any good experience with his former ones. Arthur wished for someone to listen. Now that he was with you, he always had someone to talk to. But he still wanted to go to therapy, he wanted to get better and he needed to go there,to get his meds.

Arthur was very toughtful with his medication. Sometimes he took one more pill in the hope to find some sleep, but besides that he was trying his best to take his meds like he should. He knew it was important to talk about his thoughts and he felt the need to do so.

The new doctor seemed nice and asked him to start a brand new journal. She thought it was time to let the old diary go. It was nothing more but bad memories of loneliness and with you on his side, his lonely times were finally over .  Arthur smiled when Dr. Tyler told him so. He liked the idea of a new journal. So you both went into the city to get him a new one.

Arthur sqeezed your hand while he held his new diary with the other. It was dark red, his fave color. "I`ve got lots and lots of blank pages now" he said.

"Yes, I bet they will be filled with some new jokes tonight?" you blinked at him, which almost made him blush. It was so easy to make him blush. He was so innocent at heart.

"Nahh I think I will write some poetry tonight, especially for you."

"Oh Artie, you`re the sweetest"

"Dont say that before you read the poems" he laughed.

"I know they`re going to be beautiful"

He pressed his new diary to his chest "I dont know....sometimes I think I`m not good with words. I mean, besides from joking. Its hard to put my feelings into words. Especially love. I mean. I feel it. I feel so much of it. Too much actually. Its so much it feels like the words and letters are too tiney to fit all these emotions in them because the emotions are like....endless... and....." he looked at you and  noticed the grin on your face "See? Thats what I mean. I am not good in this. At all."

"It was actually pretty impressive".

A shy smile crossed his thin lips "Thank you, honey".

You felt happy for him. Arthur appriciated the little things in life. Like holding hands or a brand new journal. A poem.

Life in Gotham was often overwhelming but hand in hand you both created your own little world. You made the universe as small as you wanted to.

You just crossed the street as you noticed a very small man being kicked by a puff looking dude. Arthur immediately noticed. He knew these kinda situations too well.

"Arthur look, what is happening over there?"

He let go of your hand and ran up to them "Oh my god, thats Gary!"

He was a fast runner and it was almost impossible to be as fast as he. The traffic got in the way  and for a second he was out of sight.

"Arthur?!"

He waved for you to come over.

He was kneeing down at Garys "Gary, my god, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" His workmate tried to get up "Its okay Art, I think I`m fine. Maybe a broken a bone or two".

"You are joking right?" Arthur seemed confused. Sometimes he couldnt tell if someone made a joke or not.

"His bones are not the only ones getting broken today" the muscular guy laughed.

"Excuse me, what?" Arthur got up but not before making sure Gary was able to walk.

"You heard me, you clown. Thats what you both are, right? Fucking clowns. I saw you working for HaHas."

Arthur took a step closer "So what?"

You took his hand "Arthur , I think we should go home right now"

Gary was standing right next to you, holding his arm, a painful look on his face.

Arthur focused the stranger "No. I mean, my friend was just attacked by this guy and I really want to know why".

A cruel smile formed on the attackers face "Because I felt like it, clown boy. I mean look at this freak" he pointed at Gary.

There was something in Arthurs eyes you havent seen before "Dont ever call him a freak again. He is my  friend!"

"Awwwww" the tall guy yelled "Sweet" and just as he said so, he punshed Artthur in the face. Bloods of drop dripped down his nose.

"Ohhh clwon boy got a red nose. How tragic!"

Your touched Arthurs cheek "Oh my god, are you okay? Baby?"

The attacker couldnt stop laughing "Baby! Hahaha. Yeah . Thats what he is" and his fist punshed Arthur right into the stomach. Arthur fell down on his knees, bending forward from pain. Gary whimpering in the background. This was all too much.

Arthur pulled his gun.

The stranger took two steps back "Calm down, pal."

"Leave now or you will see what clown boy can do" Arthur coughed while the blood was running down his nose.

"Arthur, don`t. He`s not worth it" Gary cried behind you.

You almost forgot how crowded this street was. But no one seemed to notice. No one ever seemed to care here in Gotham city.

The attacker turned around and ran away. Arthurs gun disappeared in his pocket.

Watching him pulling out his gun was too much for you.  You almost thought he would do something.

"Arthur you almost...." you felt the heat floathing your body. It was uncomfortable.

"No, I didnt. I only wanted to scare him. Its not even loaded."

His words should have camled you down but it was already to late for that. Your pulse was racing from stress. And the moment Arthur took you in his arms , your vision started to blurr.

The next thing you remembered was waking up on Arthurs couch. His huge, green blanket covering your whole body.

Arthurs curls tickeling your nose. The familiar smell of Prell shampoo and his cigarettes.

You were home.

How did you got here?

You tried to recall what happened.

Gary.

There was an attacker and Arthur got into a fight with him.

You tried to remember more but everything seemed like a dream you forgot the minute you woke up.

"Darling?" you said with a sleepy voice while you felt Arthurs arms tight around your body.

"I`m here, Y/N. I`m right here. You are home. Everything is okay."

"I cant remember...what happened....is Gary okay,too?"

"He is" Arthur whispered into your ear. You now noticed that quiet music was playing in the background.

He kissed into your hair "He got away with some scratches."

You turned your head to face him "You`re nose is hurt" you kissed the tip of his nose.

"Thats....nothing. I`ll be fine. The most important thing is how you feel. You passed out. "

"Ohh....thats why I cant remember anything...this happenes when I get stressed out".

Arthur stroke your hair "I`m so sorry, its my fault.I should`t have pulled out that fucking gun".

"You only wanted to protect Gary "

"Yeah...."

"Dont blame yourself,Arthur. " you rested your head on his chest "I cant even remember you bringing me home. "

"I carried you all the way home. You coudln`t walk."

"Oh my god..."

He pulled you even closer "Tell me if there is anything I can do...."

"Just hold me....and could you....could you please kiss my neck until I fall back to sleep? I feel like I need some rest...After I fell asleep you could start the first page of your journal and tomorrow you can show me the poems you wrote? That would be nice."

"Of course darling" Arthur placed his smirk right on the spot he knew so well, placing one kiss after another, one as gentle as the other.

You thought about the unwritten poetry and what he might write for you.

But for now his lips on your skin was the most beautiful poem ever written.

[dysfunctionalnerd]

I was wondering ... how would Randall react to Evil! Layton? or Monocle! Layton(by the way your drawings are amazing!)

ahhh thank u so much!! that means so much to me ;u; oh my GOSH MONACLE LAYTON!!! i havent thought about him organically in too long sksksks

well so ok if i had to make layton evil at any point in time, the way id do it would be after unwound future. it would be about 2 years after he found randall, but in this scenario he never worked up the courage to call randall or go back and visit after he left Monte D'or so abrubtly, which means losing that friendship was already weighing on his heart. so then after UF, losing claire and luke in the span of the same week... its too much for him. Crying in his room one night, he says "so this is it then? am i destined to always lose the people i love? i will simply never love again." and he snaps. he gets cold and distant, doesnt allow the kindness of others to reach him. all he wants now is vengance, and this man has been wronged by soooooo many people.

The only person still living with him is flora at this point. at first she lets things slide. things like seeing hersh withdraw into his study for too long, or drink too late into the night. but then she notices he stays in his room for days at a time, clearly working on something, but he gets so rude when asked about what. shes always met with answers like "its none of your concern" or "dont ask questions you're not prepared to hear the answer to", until one day she really puts her foot down. Demands to know whats going on. Shes so worried. But hershel screams at her to go away. an ugly, terrible yelling nobody deserves. and its so cold she just,, runs away crying. she cant think of anybody to reach out for help. she doesnt know anybody, she was never allowed to go out and make friends.

until she remembers the stories luke told her about the man they saved in Monte D'or, and she remembers how softly hershel would smile the precious few times he mentioned he name randall.

so she pulls up a phone book and looks up a Randall Ascot. Its not hard considering he owns an entire fucking town. shes crying and scared and alone, and when randall picks up the phone, he is of course concerned. hes never met this girl, but nobody should by crying this much, and then his heart breaks when he realizes its hershel who did this. He was always hurt by how hershel never said goodbye, and never called again to rekindle their friendship. at first he doesn't want to come over, but flora begs him.

"please, randall, you have to help. I know i hardly know you but... nobody else can reach him, i just know it".

so he grabs the nearest train. tells flora take take it easy at a bougie hotel for a night while he makes the trip over, pays for everything ofc. the two meet up. randall falls in love with this girl in .5 seconds (yknow in that "ive only met this girl for 10 minutes but if anything were to happen to her id kill everyone in this room and then myself" kind of way). They decide to just go to hershels flat and knock. he doesnt answer. they knock again. nothing. randall gets worried. he breaks down the door, shouts for hershel. Nobodys there. the place is empty. they enter hershels study to make sure, but what they find horrifies them. a GIANT charlie kelly style board with a bunch of pictures of different people, mostly people connected to bill hawks, and red lines connecting them stand before the two, and they both know in their gut its a hit list of some kind.

so they run to parliment or whatever building it is those goverment people all stay in, hoping its not too late, hope maybe their suspicions arent true. Theyre horrified when they reach the front steps and theres no guards or anything. sirens are blaring. they run down the halls. injured soldier's and police are telling them to turn back, its not worth it, this man is unstoppable.

"please dont let it be hershel, please dont let it be hershel."

flora stops when they reach the big door. she looks up at randall, crying. "im sorry... but i cant go in. i dont want to face him like this."

randall hugs her, reassures her. tells her its ok to wait by the entrance, that everything will be ok.

Flora rushes off, and randall takes a deep breath. He opens the door where bill hawks office is supposed to be. Randalls heart sinks. in the big chair is hershel, a sword covered in red, and tied to chains too close to the fire place is a beat up bill hawks.

hershel greets him coldly, like strangers.

"ah hello there. im sorry, but the prime minister cannot assist you today. please come back later."

"hershel, what are you doing??? that sword.... have you??"

"killed someone? no..." he hops off his chair and points his sword to bill hawks, far too close to the neck. "no not yet. but if youd like, you can join me for the first one."

Randall picks up a pipe or something close to him. "i cant let you do this hershel... i know youre better than this."

"ah, but you see, thats the thing." his blade lightly touches bills neck. "i could be, but then... whats the point?" then he scoffs, and pulls his sword away, pointing it towards randall in a battle stance. "never mind, you could never understand."

and he charges. AND THE EPIC SWORD FIGHT BETWEEN HERSHEL AND RANDALL THAT WE WERE ROBBED OF COMENCES! Randall, between parrys, is in total disbelief. "Hershel, stop it! i know how youre feeling, but this isnt the solution! youre tired, and scared, and unbelievably hurt. youre in so much pain... this isn't going to end that pain!"

clink, parry

"you couldnt possibly know what im feeling. ive lost everyone. but its no matter."

for a moment it looks like hershel is about to pin randall down, but he swoops away at the last minute.

"No, please hershel, you cant think like that!! youre not alone!! not anymore!! You didnt give up on the masked gentleman... let me return the favor!"

hershel gasps at this, and hesitates. its enough for randall to knock hershels sword out of his hands, and pin him to the ground. Hershel is afraid, his eyes are wide.

"r-randall, stop it!! leave me alone!"

"no!" randall throws the pipe he fought with aside. "not until you make things right!" he starts crying, his tears spill on hershels shirt. "not until i get my best friend back..."

hershel can't take it anymore. He screams, and starts crying uncontrollably. that ugly crying you reserve for your worst moments, and randall softens his grip on hersh, changes it so hes hugging his friend. And hershel just cries and cries and cries.

"i... i just dont want to live like this anymore..." he sobs.

"hershel.... oh hershel, im so, so sorry."

and they continue to cry. eventually randall asks what happened, how it got to this. hershel explains the events of the last few years. how luke left. how bill hawks sent men to beat him to an inch of his life 8 years ago, so really this is just him returning the favor. they talk it out.

"hershel... you owe flora an apology"

and hershel starts crying even more. "oh no, how could i do this to her?? im a monster..."

"nonsense! shes just worried about you, we all just want you to be ok. give her time, you two will be ok."

so slowly, randall convinces hershel to take his hand and walk out before some real irreverasble damage is done. they dont untie bill tho :) hershel comes face to face with flora at the entrance. starts stuttering some words, but jever gets around to saying anything bc flora hugs hershel so tightly, and cries into his chest. "professor i was so worried..."

"i.... im so sorry...."

and thats it!! the police dont do anything bc i dont believe in them, hawks eventually gets voted out. they all go home and randall decides to stay with hershel until he find a therapist. then decides to stay with him until he starts smiling again, then because i mean whos gonna help out with flora?? and then bc honestly hershel, this place is a mess! and then,,,,, well,,,,,, yknow,, 👀👀

[hermywolf]

ranking my favorite characters about random shit part 5

ranking my favorite characters (clarke griffin, dean winchester, fox mulder, rose tyler, newt, kaz brekker, samwise gamgee, charles xavier, bill denbrough, lord asriel, steve rogers, scott mccall, anna milton and barry berkman) about random shit. this is entirely self-indulgent

Part 5: How they’d react to a breakup (i’m imagining a completely random oc as the one breaking up with them because if i start thinking of the people i ship them with breaking up with them i WILL cry)

1- NEWT

he’s the sweetest man on earth he’d want to talk about it and understand his partner’s reasons and he’d be so kind and understanding even though he’d be sad lemme tell you this man is a SAINT

2- STEVE ROGERS

sweet understanding KING. absolute TREASURE. he’d be so confused and sad at first but he’d be SO understanding UGH i am in love with this man

3- SCOTT MCCALL

remember when allison sorta kinda broke up with him and he was all sweet and kind about it and said that he believed they would find their way to each other again eventually. yeah. iconic behavior. king shit

4- SAMWISE GAMGEE

he’s the PRESIDENT of ‘let’s stay friends!’ squad he’ll definitely stay in touch with all his exes they’re all his absolute besties

5- CHARLES XAVIER

mr telepath mindreader therapist teacher man absolutely sees it coming from a thousand miles away and he might even be the one to bring it up so that his partner doesn’t worry about it. he will be sad but he gets over it in a healthy way because he’s (MOSTLY) in touch with his feelings

6- ANNA MILTON

for a fallen angel with a bit of a god complex she’s surprisingly well adjusted. i think she’s the kind to definitely stay friends with her exes except like two of them which she’s got five different plans to murder each. all in all if it’s a healthy breakup they stay friends if it involves cheating she’s out to get you motherfucker and you know what you deserve it i mean who the FUCK would cheat on ANNA MILTON of all people istg

7- DEAN WINCHESTER

whoever thinks dean is emotionally constipated enough to be the ‘i didnt like u anyway’ kind has NOT seen spn 1x13 road 666 like GUYS. he pretends to be this no-chick-flick-moments and no-attachment kinda dude but we all know he actually cares SO much and if you look at his relationship with cassie or lisa he’s actually pretty open and communicative and sincere and he geniunely tries to talk about shit with them?? so he does have a constructive and heartfelt conversation and says he understands but he also WILL cope by either going on more hunts to distract himself or by locking himself in his room with pizza and movies in his hotdog pants and send noods socks, s14 style. TONS of ice cream. he’ll ghost his ex for a while when he’s coping with it but then later on they do end up being besties (yes i AM on the team dean-becomes-bff-with-all-his-exes don’t mind me just spreading my dean being besties with anna, cassie, lisa,amara, benny and crowley agenda)

8- BILL DENBROUGH

he’s pissed and sad and offended and grumpy and confused he just feels a LOT of shit at the same time like he’s having a full breakdown inside but from the outside his reaction is pretty much ‘what. oh. ok’

9- LORD ASRIEL

he does not, and mark my words on this one, give a single fuck. he IS what kaz pretends to be and what ketterdam thinks he is. asriel does not give a FLYING FUCK he’s like ‘well ok then see you around i guess’ and then just moves on. he was probably cheating on his partner anyway if we’re being honest here, he’s just that terrible. god why is he my favorite character again- oh right he’s insanely hot and wants to murder god right right that tracks

10- FOX MULDER

he’s extremely sweet and compassionate and understanding but then he disappears for like five months to chase down an alien in guatemala or some shit and then comes back pretending as if nothing happened at all

11- CLARKE GRIFFIN

she’s NOT happy about it and gets all grumpy and pouty and will angrily rant about it to her friends for ages but then once she’s over it she’s like. OVER over it. she completely moves on, like full on flip the switch and the feelings are GONE

12- ROSE TYLER

full breakdown in her room with tubs and tubs of ice cream wondering what she did wrong and then probably gets offered by a friend to go throw eggs at their house or some dumb shit. rose says no but she ALMOST did it. she keeps asking if there’s someone else even when it’s very clear that there’s NOT.

13- KAZ BREKKER

allow me to introduce you to the pettiest bitch on EARTH. he will definitely not hurt his ex in any way but he’ll do his absolute best to show them how much they’re missing. like he’s PETTY about it he’ll hold a gruge months, no year, no DECADES after it happened. he shows absolutely no emotions whatsoever you’d barely notice there’s been any change in his behavior, he’s not, like, sad or angry or anything, he’s just suddenly VERY devoted to the fact that everyone must know how AMAZING he’s doing and how rich and powerful and feared he is and how much a hypothetical ex-partner is missing. like this bitch probably has a full twenty pages long plan about what to do in case he gets dumped so that his ex will regret it terribly. and the worst is that kaz is a smart bitch who knows people’s weaknesses and how to exploit them so it WORKS it works and he absolutely loves it, jesper is like ‘dude how come every single time you got dumped they came back asking you to get back together only for you to reject them EXACTLY five months later’ and kaz hiding the twenty pages long binder with his elaborated plan behind his back as if it wasn’t carefully calculated and just shrugging like ‘idk i guess im a catch’ he makes everyone SO angry and honestly good for him!

14- BARRY BERKMAN

two words: murder spree. healthy coping mechanisms WHO we don’t know her in this house he’s sad and angry and he’s going to make it YOUR problem. guns out angry bill hader face ON baby. pew pew motherfucker it’s murder time. bam thirty casualties. rip to them. and he doesn’t even feel better after it either he’s crushed by guilt and having ANOTHER breakdown which will result in MORE ptsd and more sadness and anger and eventually ANOTHER breakdown and ANOTHER murder spree. its a lose-lose situation for everyone. except for his partner who’s free of his shit now i guess so true of them

[dailyandrewandaaron]

I'm bisexual katelyn would whisper to herself . she liked the thrill the word gave her. it felt right it felt good. 

nobody knew. 

 not really

not yet

.Except her family.  -who didnt really take it seriously .

She practised saying it into her mirror. 

I'm bisexual. I'm bisexual. I'm bisexual

She reviewed it over  and over in her mind.  was this really true? She wouldn't say it with such confiedence if it wasn't true right? Right? It would feel wrong otherwise wouldnt it? 

 It didn't feel wrong to her. it felt like it fitted her exactly. 

She had tried to explain her crushes on girls and been told in very stiff voice that maybe you just admire her  .You just enjoy her company.  like she didnt what a crush was.  

these days  there are too many options. people get confused 

Please.  you are lesbian or you are not  . everything else is fake .

there is no bisexual

but kate she knew there was.

Her sister was having a baby. Her parents were now looking to her  wondering when would she  too  would meet a nice man and give them  more grand kids. 

Aaron was not what her parent’s idea of what was a nice man but he was a man and that would do.

Better than her last partner

Lucy

Did you have to make such a fool of yourself

she loved aaron and she knew he loved her but she wanted him to love all of her. to not have to hide any part of herself ,to not be ashamed. she was going to tell him but her heart worried over his reaction as much as  over the fact she hadnt told him yet. 

“Aaron ,I need to tell you something "

 aaron noticed her nervous  look and he felt afraid  "is it about my brother? Did Andrew bother you again did ? he hurt you?

"no, it's not about Andrew. It's about me. and you. me and you.”

aaron sighed almost resigned "you want to break up. “ he said gloomily

“I dont want that. “ she said “ do you? “

he grew wide eyed. “ never! “

“never? nothing would change that ?” she pressed him

 Aaron looked at her strangely “ Are you pregnant?” 

" No . thats not it.  “ she think about how it explain “Its.. actually  -Andrew...

“ I knew it “ aaron says with a mixture of triumph and mortification  “ what has he done this time?”

  “He hasnt done  anything ...recently . just..You know he's gay..”

Aaron sighed "I did know that unfortunately”

"unfortunately?” she asked 

aaron scoffed "well they're not exactly subtle. Disgusting”

"disgusting?” panic rose within katelyn

 aaron winced " I just meant.. He's my brother  you know .that's all. “

"except that isn't what you meant, is it” 

"Its not like that. I don't mind .it's just don't need to know about it"

" you don't want to you mean ”

"why would you defend him anyway?. He wouldn't do the same for you.” Aaron exclaimed

"he wouldnt.” katelyn agreed 

 “ He doesn't like you. In any way. He doesn't like any woman in any way.”

"I know that.  “ she swallowed “But I do.” she blurts out

Aaron nodded like he understood ." you want him to be nicer  -but it's not just you- Andrew has problems with - we both do . We working on it with a new therapist..”

katelyn groaned under her breath .she would just have to spell it out “ Aaron I like girls”

"you like.. Girls” 

"yes."

"so you do want to break up with me”

"no darling no. i told i dont want that  I love you Aaron."

“im not a girl” he said gesturing to himself

  “ im attracted to girls ,In the past I've dated girls. right now I'm dating you. because i love you .  I'm bisexual”  she waited for a reaction .  “you understand?”

aaron said nothing

"is that okay?” she whispered fear welling up

Aaron stayed quiet and a crease appeared in his forward

"Aaron  say something..im still  the same person . im still me .”

 aaron states past her "I have to tell you something too.  “ he murmured 

she sat down worried about what he might say next. 

 “ I told you . about andrew . he hates anyone i date . “ katelyn nodded along wondering where this was going “Andrew would always  scare them off before we got too close. My past relationships that is. My exs .” aaron  looked around to make sure nobody else could hear and said in very quiet whisper against her ear “ The thing is  though ,my exs, not all of them were women "

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.