#my best friend isnt dead

[444-athena]

The sun and the stars:

warnings: death (if any are missed please tell me!)

"Why did you become so close to your best friend's boyfriend after she died" I couldn't let him go. Not when he was the last thing of her that was left in the world, except myself. Becuase he was hurt in exactly the same way that I was. He was the only one who knew how bad it was. Both of us were missing a burning sun in our lives. She is the best thing to have ever happened to me; is, not was. Because, even though she might not be here anymore, her impact on me continues, shaping me into a better person with every memory i hold onto.

Him and I are just two stars stood together mourning the explosion of our sun. Two stars that can never shine as bright, but when faced with complete and total darkness seem to be just as bold anyway.

Sometimes even just looking at him is painful. His face reminds me of memories, of sunshine, of laughter, of dumb decisions, of staying up late and just talking about anything we could.  Things he says, sound like he's taken the words right out of her mouth and is just echoing them back for me to hear one more time. When its raining and he laughs like a child, she's there giggling and dancing along with him; when theres a loud car and he stops to look, she's there staring with the same awestruck face.

He reminds me of her. And sometimes it's almost too much to handle. Looking at him and seeing the other half of my heart, that's now cold and dead. Six foot underground, left to rot.

But I can't let go. Not when letting go risks forgetting all of the times I had with her. Not when letting go means letting go of the last part of what feels like the other half of me. Fuck, I've not felt whole since that night. Nothing I do seems to fill the gap she left. None of the bad decisions, the bad habbits, the running away from life, could fix the hole permanently burned into the centre of my chest, where a beating heart once lay.

Why her? Why was it her time that had to come to an end? She did nothing to deserve this. And what did I do to have to go through the pain of mourning someone who was supposed to be with me until the end? We were supposed to grow grey together, laugh in our sixties at old memories of dumb things we did as teens, but thats all she had, her teens. Permanently sixteen, never growing, never changing. She'll never laugh at sixty, or grow grey. She'll always be the young girl, with bright blue eyes and long brown hair, always laughing and smiling. The girl who was taken way too soon. If I am a star, I feel like I'm collapsing in on myself, being destroyed from the inside out until all that's left is a black void, trying to consume everything in its path.

I can't let myself get to that stage. If not for her, then for him. If I were to become a black hole, destroying anything close to me, what would he become? Collateral damage, in the wake of a tragedy that ended up as a massive fucked up game of dominos?

So we keep going. We survive as a promise to each other. We already lost her, we cant lose each other too. We're two broken pieces of a jigsaw that will never be completed, the final piece being lost, but maybe we can heal. Never fully, never forgetting the sun who used to warm our lives, but enough. Enough so we can live, instead of survive. So we can tell stories of the past with smiles instead of tears. When we can look back fondly, remembering her and loving her still, her absence might not always feel like it's slowly killing us both.

We'll never be warm, but maybe we can get some blankets and heaters, and live through the death of our sun. We might not be freezing forever.

Maybe one day, when we grow old and grey, we'll be healed enough to laugh about the past, fondly reminiscing on times long gone, and think 'we had a good life'.

Maybe one day I'll be able to look at the colour violet, or see a butterfly and smile. I'll never forget my best friend. But fuck, this hurts.

Does it ever stop hurting? Can I survive this? As a promise to both of them, I'll try my hardest, I'll live through each day, remembering her, always loving her, but never feeling whole like I did at sixteen. When the other half of my soul was forcibly taken away from me.

Life is cruel, and fate has favourites. I know I'm not one of them, but maybe she'll be kind soon, and let me see her once again.

[starry-bi-sky]

more cfau miscellaneous things because Childhood Friends Danny and Jason have my head and heart always and I need to finish rewriting chapter two dammit (and redo the half-finished chapter 4 because its just Not The Vibes). i'm almost through I need to get through the graveyard scene. (i just stubbornly refuse to have it be shorter than the original chapter and thats the little death. that is the mind killer.)

Danny and jason’s ghost forms both smell faintly like burnt flesh and cigarettes. However, Jason has a more smokey smell while Danny’s smells almost,,, electrical? In a sense? Like he just straight up smells like burnt flesh and sulphur while Jason smells like someone put him in a smoker first.

It’s very much an unpleasant smell but Danny finds an odd comfort in it just as much as he finds a comfort in the smell of nicotine.

(Jason post-revival smells burnt flesh once and is immediately offput by the fact that it brings him an instinctive comfort. He doesn’t realize its because it reminds him of Danny, and is uncomfortable by it.)

-

In an au of an au, Danny’s altercation with Rath ends with Rath regaining enough of his sanity to snap out of the grieving state and ends with him breaking down. Instead of being souped and imprisoned, Rath, who is permanently 14, decides to Move On into the unknown. He’s exhausted, heartbroken, and tired.

(Is this influenced heavily by the ParaNorman scene where he talks to Agatha and helps her move on? Yes. But it doesn’t fit with the Original Storyline so im shoving it into an Au of an Au.)

Rath tells Danny that Jason lied to them (which he genuinely believes), and that he’s tired of waiting/looking for him/grieving. Jason is gone. He isn’t coming back, he abandoned them. And he wants his mom and dad, and his sister, and his friends. And he’s ready to join them.

He leads Danny out to Gotham, which other than Amity Park might’ve been the only city left untouched due to Rath’s own mental block on the place. They go out to the park he and Jason used to frequent or up to one of crime alley’s rooftops, and there Rath lies down and goes to sleep. Only to never wake up again, materializing into nothing as his soul moves on.

Before Rath leaves, he forces Danny to promise him that he’ll only wait for Jason for ten years. After that if he doesn’t find him, or if Jason doesn’t show, then Danny has to move on. Whether that be like how Rath does, or if its inly mentally/emotionally, doesn’t matter. He has to move on. Don’t wait for him. Don’t waste his time any more.

(“Oh, and if you find him, kick his ass for me.”)

Danny reluctantly agrees, and Rath lies down. Danny sings to him as he falls asleep.

(Angsty points if the vigilantes including Red Hood caught wind of their presence and were silently watching from the shadows. Rath might know they’re there, but Danny’s too focused on Rath to notice.)

(If only so that Red Hood realizes that this is what happened to Danny, and that Danny is gone before he can make things right. The tragedy, folks. The angst. The initial realization that Danny was Rath, and then also that Danny was dead and has been dead for years, and that before he moved on, he moved on believing that Jason abandoned him.)

(like i said it doesn't fit in the original timeline/storyline hence why its an au of an au and isn't nearly a fleshed out, but i was largely just focusing on the tragedy of Rath moving on and Jason being alive to see it and realize just who Rath is.)

-

Just like how the Lazarus pits shot Jason's twiggy 4'6-5'4 (depending on what you find) feet tall and 86lb ass up like a tree an essentially fixed his malnutrition, the portal did the same thing for Danny.

(granted i forgot about malnutrition and danny's likely stunted growth at first -- his family lived in crime alley and despite both his parents working, I don't think they had enough food all the time. He probably wasn't as badly malnourished as Jason was, but he wasn't healthy either.)

Granted his ghost in its "natural" state (14) is short, and his growth spurts were slow at first, it did result in him reaching his dad's height. There were points where it just happened overnight, like a baby. He went to bed one night 5’6 and woke up the next day 5’10.

Jazz is shorter than him. Although I have't decided if she's even liminal at all (and if she is, it didn't cure everything because she would have also suffered childhood malnutrition, and since in au canon their parents didn't get their hands on physical ectoplasm until after they got to Amity Park. So the exposure is less.)

-

Danny's voice absolutely sounds like canon Dan's. It kinda just dropped one day when he was 16-17 and never went back up. Sam and Tucker sometimes ask him to just talk about anything because they find his voice soothing.

I'm not sure yet how Danny would feel about it at first considering Rath, but I imagine that Rath, when he did speak, would have had a quieter and scratchier/weaker voice considering he's spent the last decade shrieking and crying.

(and i suppose technically that shouldn't have any effect on his throat considering he's a ghost and idk if that would actually affect him, but i like the idea so im keeping it)

In the beginning you could hear him from a mile away by the sound of his loud, echoing wails, but ten years later you can only really hear him by the soft, shuddering sobs he makes. Like he's gasping for air that isn't there. The future is full of very quiet survivors.

And it's much easier to speak when you pitch your voice upwards (especially when whispering/speaking quietly) so he might've spoken in a higher, airy pitch in order to be heard. So Danny might actually find a comfort in having a lower voice.

[formulaonedirection]

quadrant archives 1/?

Lando Norris takes a lie detector test

[luck-of-the-drawings]

two wrongs WILL make a right! ive got another lease on life, and im using it well, who cares if this is all fucked up cause we're all GOING TO HELL! IM JUST WILLIAM WHO SHOULD BE DEAD, HAD TO FOLLOW THE THREAD, thought he was just chillin! now he is a villain! HES ALWAYS SUCH A BUMMER, HE WANTS TO TRUST HIS BROTHER WILLIAM IN A HALLWAY BY HIMSEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

[hauntingblue]

making a collection

making another collection with a threatening aura

[aroaceleovaldez]

obligatory intermittent post once again requesting more people make pjo askblogs. pretty pretty please. they're very fun I promise and askblogs are a dying species. i'm very sad that for like the past 6 years there's usually only been one or two riordanverse askblogs active and I'm one of them.

"but i can't-" there's options! text-based askblogs! illustrated/drawn-response askblogs! cosplay askblogs! voice acting askblogs! combinations of the above! whatever else your heart desires! get funky with it! getting funky with it is really cool!

also do your local askblogs a favor and send them some asks sometimes. here's a list of illustrated pjo askblogs I have curated, and a list of other formats of pjo askblogs. I'm also working on another list of general askblogs so if you have any other askblogs you should tell me about those ones too.

[averageclawcodeenjoyer]

You will never be able to unconvince me that, when given the chance, Ganke would absolutely do the anime glasses thing where the reflection gets so bright you can't see their eyes.

Nobody knows how he does it.

The lighting is never bright enough.

He just.... possesses that zest I guess.

The face he makes afterwards ^

[comradecowplant]

so things are not going well with my new elderly socdem friend unfortunately.

[rosykims]

ik the implication of the von valancius succession is that our RT is just some random fucking 7th cousin twice removed but i actually think its so funny if leda is theodora's daughter.

[kidfoundonstreets]

I DONT HAVE THE IMAGES IRGHT NOW BUT YOU UNDETRNSAD?? YOU GET ?? YOLU GET? IM MADLY I NLOV WITH YOU TIWLIGHTRCADE MY GOOD FRIEND MY COMRADEMY RIDE ROD IE

[sun-showr]

Ok, again, I liked Shadow and I should probably do my bullet point thoughts on the whole book before this but

literally what are they doing with Mothwing?

After River, I thought “ooh hoo hoo! Wouldn’t it be delicious if Mothwing became leader?” but it was mostly for fun (especially since I don’t love having another old leader, especially after Mistystar, and now especially if Squirrelflight hopefully survives to be made leader). But then after Sky it looked more like they were actually going for it with the “choose an unlikely cat” thing

But now in Shadow...Mothwing is a background cat, even more background than other formerly background characters? Despite being, by about halfway through the book, the only cat in RiverClan with any actual authority that doesn’t come from Tigerstar?? And she says and does almost nothing. She barely even does any healer work, off screen apparently suggests not even going to the Moonpool meetings anymore, she doesn’t even really fight with Frostpaw - she’s just kind of terse with her, she’s right about telling Tigerstar the truth causing problems, she snarks about Jayfeather, and attends Gatherings but says very little, despite essentially speaking for RiverClan in the two previous books. Otherwise it seems like she went from an incredibly chaotic experience having everyone in the clan look to her...to somehow having a lot of free time, and very little to say, despite losing her apprentice.

And I love getting to see more interpersonal drama in RiverClan and seeing Icewing and Harelight get more character development and the reveal of Splashtail’s machinations, but it’s bizarre how much should bring to mind Mothwing for the characters but instead she fades to the back and I genuinely don’t know if this is on purpose or not.

like

a ton of this book contrasts Tigerstar’s misguided leadership and Bramblestar’s decline

multiple characters bring up Tigerstar I and directly callout Tigerheartstar for also taking over RiverClan

multiple characters also talk about Bramblestar’s legacy, in addition to Firestar apparently always being on everyone’s mind

both of these characters are put in positions where they are trying to regain their sense of power/control, and are challenged on if they are doing the right thing

the book ends with the tension of one Tigerstar descendant deciding to do the right thing and willingly give up power, while the writing on the wall is that another will soon be fighting to keep his

HOW IS THIS ALL NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME THINK OF MOTHWING, WHO HAS RECENTLY SHIRKED OFFERS OF POWER IN RIVERCLAN, AND WHO IS ALSO A CHILD OF TIGERSTAR

like it could be so good

her brother tried to take over two Clans essentially in the hope of getting one scrap more of power

but she is so dedicated to service to her Clan that she won’t risk anything that could possibly cause them harm, which she thinks includes her leadership

with so many cats constantly being like, “you’re just like tigerstar the first, taking over RiverClan, aren’t you worried about being compared to your evil kin”

why is iT NEVER MENTIONED THAT MOTHWING AND TIGERSTAR II ARE KIN ANY TIME HE’s IN RIVERCLAN?? Does she not have any #thoughts or feelings to share???

we have juicy callouts for Icewing and Harelight spending a lot of time in ShadowClan, but suddenly, mysteriously absent in this book, is anyone casting doubt on Mothwing for also spending that time there and oh yeah, also being related to both Tigerstars who have taken over RiverClan?

it would be such an amazing arc for her to lead the Clan her kin could never

to begrudgingly assume power, but then fucking kill it in a way not even Bramblestar or Tawnypelt could

like Splashtail is talking about faking a sign to appoint a malleable medicine cat

that is literally what happened to Mothwing am I not supposed to immediately think about her. why is she then barely a character in this book. why are they deliberately paralleling another Tigerkin’s attempt at taking over RiverClan

also Mothwing should be the one cat Frostpaw confidently knows did not kill Reedwhisker and was not involved in any plot. Like both Frostpaw and the reader should trust Mothwing and no one else in RiverClan at the moment lol so she should be more of an actual character goddamnit

if nothing else, shouldn’t RiverClan/Mothwing be deeply concerned now about the lack of Medicine Cat apprentices? I know they have a lot going on, but that just proves how much they need a med cat. Mothwing ain’t getting any younger (unless she gets 9 lives), there are no kits in the nursery, and Leafbare is around the corner. And also something terrible keeps happening to RiverClan leadership lol Mothwing should have a lot to say and do in the main plot, and she just doesn’t for some reason this book

[july-19th-club]

reaching a brand new height of arrogance working on my postcanon concept of a thing i haven't even seen two full seasons of . but what if ten years after faking your death so you could go on slamming it in the art crime underworld without endangering your loved ones you showed back up at their door and they took you in and didn't even think about putting you on some kind of a leash? what then?

[gothcarmelasoprano]

maw why are these troll accounts linked through my ex best friends STILL following me

[cartoonghosts]

my qp partner hasnt seen my texts in 2 days. If he doesnt at least read them by tomorrow i am going to his house and breaking in i am so fucking worried about him

[desert-gays]

mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom, you see its too much to ask for and i am not the doctor

read the tags for some character lore haha

[3knecrotic]

Urggh,, the thoughts are back,, how annoying,,,